#fuck I hate subtweeting

[moreespressoformydepresso]

Heyy, it’s been a couple of days since I’ve posted, even longer since I’ve been consistent. I would say I’ve been busy but that would be a lie because I haven’t actually had less time than usual to post. Truth is some stuff’s gone down, partially on this very platform, and it’s made it very hard to post. If you don’t want to read a kind of venty angsty personal post the TL;DR is I’ll get back to posting semi-regularly once I’ve dealt with some stuff but I promise it has nothing to do with the people who interact with my blog. You’re the highlight of my day even if it’s “just” a like and I’m sorry for the recent dip in posts.

I don’t wanna go into detail because surprise! I don’t actually like going out of my way to create drama with people and one person involved has essentially harassed me on every platform we share. That’s why I haven’t spoken about this before, and I’m only saying this now because I realized I’ve forgotten to respond to several reblogs and I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m ignoring them or abandoning this blog or anything. Basically, I feel bad about leaving without explanation and also I kind of want to vent? So without getting too specific: A close friendship recently died a slow, torturous death over several months, slowly getting worse until the other person threw me in the trash like I meant nothing. Then he came back two weeks later and tried to guilt trip me for being upset at him for how he treated me.

In that two week period some stuff went down on Tumblr here and well… there’s no way to sugarcoat this, so I’ll be blunt: it’s made me terrified to post anything on here. Every time I want to post something I feel sick to my stomach with dread because what if it’ll happen again? Or, alternatively, what if I’m next? And it sucks because I’m not even 100% sure it was aimed at me, but it lines up a little too perfectly and maybe I’m paranoid and it’s all on me but maybe it’s not and if that’s the case… I’d rather be wrong, for once, but the problem is that there’s no way to know for certain. I’ve been stewing in this weird, complicated mishmash of emotions and confusion and I honestly have no idea how to deal with it. I thought time would help, as it usually does, but clearly this is a special case.

Before anyone says it, yes. I’m aware that this is a subtweet, which is not a cool or nice thing to do unless it’s a joke between friends. That’s another thing that made me not want to post this. I hate being mean to people who aren’t mean to me first, and as I said I have no solid proof from a trustworthy source without ulterior motives that this had anything to do with me (which is what I usually use as my standard for when to start hitting back) but I just can’t seem to let it go. Every time I have an AU I wanna share I get this creeping, uncomfortable, clawing feeling crawling underneath my skin and tightening in my chest and I hate it. I hate it so much I cannot even describe it properly.

It makes me wanna scrape my skin off with sandpaper and scrub myself clean from the inside out with an iron sponge. I wanna claw my heart out of my chest and shake it until it stops feeling like this and the only comfort here is that I’ve found some fancy new descriptions to use in my writing. Speaking of: I’ll post on AO3 again soon, hopefully today or tomorrow, but just like with my blog I’m so drained of energy and I feel so nauseous about posting I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it again, which sucks because I love posting on all these platforms! It shouldn’t feel like a chore but it does now and I don’t know if there’s anything that’ll ever make it fully go away. It’s become more manageable, hence why I’m posting this, so I’m clinging to the hope it’ll all ebb away at some point. Until then though my posting schedule is gonna be even more inconsistent than it usually is, so I’m very sorry about that. Hope you all have a wonderful day and I’m sorry about the venty post I’ve subjected you to 😅

[princsstwilightsparkl]

saying "if aroace people can date, then can lesbians date men?" is absolutely aphobic narrative btw!

[oceanwithouthermoon]

the realization that tumblr does not work like twitter and i cant just vague post about random discourse or arguments otherwise people will wrongfully assume its about them has flipped my whole life upside down

[vervaincircle]

what kills me about those types of fans that act like it’s illegal to criticize legacies is like

i have criticisms for all three of the shows. i’m not “some toxic hosie” who specifically hates legacies. 😭 i have truckloads of critiques for all three shows? it’s not illegal to criticize legacies now just because you guys had your feelings hurt by some 15yo on twitter who said they were a hosie in like 2019

i only talk about these criticisms at all because i enjoy the shows. i care about them both being good (why else would i attach to them) and also having not really met their potential. all of them are completed and i still cared enough to come back and rewatch them and dissect what i love or don’t love about them while preparing notes for my fics. legacies had SO much potential and it did have a lot of good things about it that kept us so invested we were hooked. only a show with good characters can manage ship wars on this scale because we’re all invested

criticism of tv is not a bad thing. i feel like people have gotten their wires crossed and think all criticism is toxicity now. i’ve never sent hate to the writers or even to julie plec herself, despite thinking some of her actions actually were just awful. but i’m still going to talk about things i think could’ve been done better because it’s my blog and if people are upset then oh well, atp?

it’s really bizarre and irritating how tv fandoms and the way the internet just generally is now have created this space where any critique means you’re toxic or you don’t enjoy something. tv fandoms could learn a lot from people who review books

[gwyoi]

I can’t stand being a bisexual theyfab sometimes like I actually can’t deal with you white people giving us a bad name 😭

[distinctiveusername]

it really pisses me off when people just can't pronounce things. like knowingly butcher words and names because it's "too hard"

in an era where knowledge is literally at our fingertips and almost any question is a quick Google search away you should not be mispronouncing anything

[jinglerat]

hot take but in light of recent events, yeah i won't mind if the d20 fandom falls from grace and ttrpg folks dont interact with us anymore.

being a d20 fan is a red flag now. let's do it.

[shinraelectricpowercom]

btw before you ever get upset abt someone else proposing that a character you like might be a Bad Person and write a multi-paragraph response to their post... just stop and think "could this problem be solved better by me blocking them? yes" and block them and move on <3

eta 8 hours later: post is cancelled, i wrote it at 3am in a fit of pique and i now admit that it’s a misfire at smth that’s Easy to talk about but not actually the source of my anger

that said, i still stand by this for 90% of the time. people don’t post meta because they want someone else to systematically dismantle it, they post it because they think it’s compelling. + remember “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and I can’t think of anyone I know who genuinely enjoys getting a response that’s just “no, your meta is wrong and here’s several paragraphs on why”.

[softgrungeprophet]

another day, another "scrolling past a post on my dashboard where flash is the only character excluded from the coffee bean gang"

[ineedaplacetostay]

Sometimes you will see a fanfic that so deeply misinterpreted The Point that you shudder and feel better about your own

[moreespressoformydepresso]

You ever look at a post and think to yourself that this is the third time now that that specific person’s post feels suspiciously like a subtweet? What a fun feeling to have! Definitely not making me want to scream right now :)

[miserye]

i just had subway and two things, one. i fucking love tuna and 2. that churro is a crime against humanity and they should be sued for selling something that bad

[princsstwilightsparkl]

im the opposite of a hater but the one thing i will always hate on.. is haters.. ☠️ like if i ever see any of yall hate posting for no reason and talking about how much people with different harmless opinions piss you off, youre immediately on my list of people to avoid..

[generalpalacefishgoop]

You know the posts recently about bbh neg on twter, the timing of it with that going on, makes me want to hurl, they don't give a shit about "victims" or the real issues. They just want to dunk on the next cc they hate using the current "momentum".

You know what, I say let them go ahead and try to "cancel" Bad, really, go ahead. They're just regurgitating shit DSMP fans has said over the years again and again about Bad. Its fcking funny actually. Oh not forgetting they had to invent new ones or ones THAT THEIR FAVES HAVE DONE TOO BTW, to "cancel" Bad. To think I was looking forward to QSMP fans being "healthier" or "better" than DSMP ones, oh boy am I sorely disappointed.

Let them run their mouths about Bad. Cuz I'm 100% sure the CCs , QSMP admins, and Quackity give 0 shit about them. Etoiles knows and has already expressed how he knows that Bad is overly hated by the fandom and how he receives neg on the daily. Despite knowing that, he's still cordial with Bad. And he even expressed how he tries to not be "angry" or "frustrated" at Bad or else the parasocial fucks will come running to "defend" him from "evil" BBH when he has said a million times over that its not a fcking big deal, and hes just expressing himself NOT IN A NEG WAY. but noooo parasocial fucks be like "oh no my skunkrly wrunkly his feelings got hurt oh no" same shit with foolish fans. Fcking blind af. Esp the new ones who hasnt experienced the prank wars in dsmp. Fcking joyless fucks who cant handle a fcking block game that theyre not even playing. But thankfully, Etoiles stopped being so concerned, and well, yk with Foolish lmao same old same old.

(Disclaimer: SOME FANS NOT ALL, IM TALKING ABOUT THE TOXIC PARASOCIAL FUCKS, YES EVEN THE BIG ACCOUNTS ON TWITTER WITH THOUSANDS OF FOLLOWERS. You know who. Big numbers doesn't mean they're more RIGHT. A parasocial fuck is a parasocial fuck. Also, when I say parasocial, I mean the ones who are toxic and project themselves onto the CC. Being parasocial is fine, if it's the healthy kind, if you know what I mean)

I digress, there's no fcking unfollows or subtweets from CCs to Bad, unlike with D or F. In fact, some CCs and CLOSE FRIENDS of Bad's have always praised Bad and defended him TO THIS DAY. If that is not enough of an indication of how unproblematic he is, Idk what else to say. Just fuck off and live a life in constant misery and hatred ig. That's why don't respond to fucks like that. Just mute em. They can yap all they want but it means SHIT ALL if you don't see it. BBH's community is WAY WAY smaller than the whole fandom (and theres wayyy more toxic fucks) so bbhs community saying shit back to the toxic shits will also mean SHIT ALL. They CLEARLY don't watch Bad anyways so what's the point. Better way to deal with this shit is fight the misinformation, that's all. Spread more positivity and give ppl FULL context and CORRECT information. If you see some shit against Bad, report it and send it to whatever ban list qsmp uses. Send it to mods or something. Ik that Bagi's discord has something like that.

Oh but ppl be like /rp or /lh or "it's just my opinion", who gives a shit. Still report them. We're not dumb. The mods or whoever admins are not dumb. That negative toxic fuck smell on it, is fcking obvious enough.

STOP GIVING THEM ENGAGEMENTS. We can happily stay in each others bubbles without ever talking to each other, AND THAT IS FINE. Don't let the negative fucks in. Mute and report them, and I guarantee you, that fcking stranger on the Internet, you'll forget within DAYS. those fuckers won't even exist to you, vice versa.

THEIR WORDS HOLD NO POWER OVER YOU OR THE QSMP COMMUNITY. KEEP THE QSMP COMMUNITY HEALTY AND SAFE. Fuck them toxic shits.

[liknws]

[ 003 ] wants vs needs.

⎯⎯ PAIRING: han jisung x reader/oc ⎯⎯ TAGS: rockstar!3racha plus jeongin, non!idol au, lovers to exes to enemies, one tour bus instead of one bed trope, subtweeting but in songs dropped during concerts, childhood friends to lovers ⎯⎯ RATING: 18+, mature ⎯⎯ WARNINGS: the following tags are not fully comprehensive in order not to reveal the entire story. proceed at your own risk⎯ swearing, mentions of past drug use and addiction, deep discussion of cheating and infidelity, one really disgusting/hateful comment about addiction ⎯⎯ WORD COUNT: 4,064

⎯⎯ SUMMARY: it’s been three years since the break up, three years since leaving the band you helped start, three years since you’ve even talked about your ex. not only have you been able to avoid talking about him, but you’ve been able to avoid him all together. until that same band you helped start decides to change labels and not a single person warned you that your safe place was about to be invaded by three men you’d do anything to avoid.

[ masterlist ]

It takes no more than 30 seconds, once Ultra Violet steps off stage and the show ends that the others are on you. Chan is immediately fuming, pushing his way to the front of the small mob.You can’t help but wonder if it’s to protect or to take the first swing, though you have a silent bet on it being a bit of both.

Minho sees how angry the three are as they approach and steps in front of you, a warning glare at the three fast approaching musicians. “Not here,” he warns, arms crossed. Chan nods once and points at the dressing rooms. All but stomping over to the cracked door and shoving it open. A chill crawls up your spine at his anger, having never been on the receiving end of it. To say you might be a bit nervous would be a simple understatement.

Your hand slips into Felix’s, squeezing his fingers in a silent plea not to leave your side. The other hand is taken by Hyunjin, his way of promising that you won’t be alone and he has your back as well. Minho leads the group, heading to the dressing room first. You follow with Hyunjin and Felix, clinging to both of them. Seungmin brings up the rear, a silent watcher as he tries to take in everything.

“That stunt was crossing the line and you know it,” Chan snaps once the door is closed, turning toward you with the full look of his fury. To some benefit, you don’t flinch away from his look no matter how much you want to. Instead your eyes meet his and keep his glare, rapidly letting your own anger boil over. Suddenly he’s not so scary and you’re not intimidated at all. You let yourself feel that pain again, to let it be a reminder of why you’d done the song in the first place, why you’d decided to throw the love of your life to the wolves without a backward glance. You let it remind you that even if Chan hadn’t been the one to cheat, he hadn’t stuck around either at the end.

“How is that any different than listening to him play stupid love songs about us all weekend?”

“Those are just songs, don’t try to shift blame here.”

“Don’t insinuate that I’m stupid, Christopher. It’s so blindingly obvious that you will always take his side, after everything. You shipped me off and said fuck all to me after, pretty clear what side of the fence you’re on. I’ve made it so incredibly clear how I feel more than once and that wasn’t respected. Fair is fair, isn’t it?” You’re in his personal space, not even realizing you’d gotten closer and closer until you can feel Seungmin pulling you back and Changbin stepping between you two.

“Exposing your drama like that was the best way to be heard?” Chan’s shouting over Changbin’s head. You feel a strong arm around your middle and just know it’s Felix by the way his hand rests so carefully and respectfully on your hip too.

“It’s none of your goddamn business!” You’re shouting right back. Though you want to lunge at Chan, at Changbin, at Jisung, you don’t. Not because of the restriction of Felix around your middle but simply because even in your anger you don’t want to physically hurt them. Not really.

“You made it everyone’s business when you sang that song,” Changbin cuts in. You barely register his voice, softer than the shouts between you and Chan. He’s still standing between you two but it’s clear the two of you won’t actually take a physical swing at each other. Verbally? You’re aiming for the fences, wanting your words to hurt each and every atom in their souls- just like yours had when you found Jisung and that pretty lead singer he said you didn’t need to worry about.

“Disrespectfully, I don’t fucking care. He can’t respect the one thing I’ve asked of him in three years, why should I respect anything about him?” This whole time you’ve refused to look at him until now, eyes finally sliding over to him. He lingers behind his other band mates, hands shoved so far into his pockets you wonder if he’s trying to disappear into the denim.

When he realizes you’re looking at him, he opens his mouth to say something. You cut him off with a snapped demand. “Don’t. Don’t waste your breath because I don’t want to hear it.” You side step out of Felix’s grip. He allows you but his hands linger just off to the side, ready to grab should the feral animal lunge for a throat. “I can’t be here right now. I’ll be back by morning.”

You shove any hand that reaches for you. Slamming your way out of the dressing room, letting the heavy door crash against the wall with the force of your exit, you bolt for the nearest exit into the much cooler night air. You’re in a strange city, in the middle of some downtown neighborhood. You know exactly what you want, what you need right now. So you set off in any direction and wait to find the telltale signs of your kind of people. The ones you relate the most to.

Felix and Hyunjin do their best to keep up but you’re quick, easily sliding between rushing staff members and ducking around twisting corners before they can really catch up. By the time they’re outside, heads whipping back and forth in a vain attempt to see you, do they accept that you’re gone for the night.

More than one call sent to voicemail after a ring tells them you don’t want them, want anyone. After their combined fifth attempt do you turn off your phone. After they are directed again to your voicemail, immediately on the sixth try, do they turn around and head back inside to a waiting group of musicians.

“Gone. Lost them by the time they got outside.” Hyunjin’s eyes are more expressive than his words, filled with worried tears as he looks between his other two friends.

“Probably ran off to get high.” Chanbing’s words are muttered but heard enough. So many faces turn to him, some angry and a few shocked he’d say such a thing.

“Not that it’s any of your business,” Seungmin is quick to defend. “But Red’s been completely sober for almost three years. Not that you’d know, since you weren’t the one to help them or support them. You just dumped and ran.” He isn’t a violent person really, but defending you brings out a type of anger that he’s almost too familiar with. That first year was the worst for it, all of them coming to defend you and support you. Even if you’d just met the four of them, they were all in your corner from day one.

With nothing left to say to each other, everyone departs for something. Some rush to help the rest of the clean up work, some head back to the hotel in hopes of finding you. One remains, sliding down the wall until his face is hidden in his knees. He replays it all from the start: the relationship, the shared moments, the highs and lows. He wonders what things could have been like if he hadn’t been such a coward. But mostly he replays that song over and over, committing the words and the message to memory.

And as if she might have a telepathic sense for when Jisung is at his lowest, his girlfriend’s ringtone cuts through his thoughts. He sends the call to voicemail after the third ring.

・❥・

“You are going to have to tell them the truth, Ji.” Chan’s words are firm but there’s still love behind it, carried by the weight of worry that he has for one of his closest friends. “Red deserves to know what really happened three years ago.”

“It’s too late for that. You know that I can’t.” He feels like they’ve had this same argument over and over for the past year, since Chan had accidentally found the truth himself. Truthfully, Jisung was glad to finally tell someone even if it was the wrong person. But it made that heaviness in his heart a little less crushing by telling him. “If they know the truth, if Red finds out, you know they will do something stupid and possibly ruin their career for good. I can’t.”

“So you’d rather let them hate you for a lie than help you with the truth? All of that, just to protect them?”

“Yes!” He’s so quick to agree, throwing his hands up. Fingers rake through his sweaty hair for what feels like the millionth time tonight. “You don’t get it. I would do anything in the world to protect them, I made that promise and I’ll never break that.”

“That promise wasn’t part of his vows for nothing,” Changbin’s voice joins the conversation, two pairs of eyes turning to look at him as the door closes behind him and Jeongin. He sets his key card on the small table by the door before joining Chan and Jisung on the bed. A hand comes up to pat Jisung on the back, his attempt at being supportive of his friend.

The youngest member stands to the side, a bit awkward as he’s trying to piece it all together. “Vows?” He mutters, mostly to himself, dropping to sit on the bed as Jisung groans and falls backwards. With a pillow over his face he screams but it doesn’t make him feel any better.

“Feel better?” Chan jokes, reaching for the pillow and throwing it at Changbin with a laugh. The drummer gives him a disgruntled squawk before reaching forward and hauling Jisung back into an upright position.

“What did you hear?” Large eyes glance between Changbin and Jeongin, anxiety settling in the pit of his stomach. Jisung hadn’t even wanted to talk about this in the first place but Chan wouldn’t leave the topic alone, especially after the stunt that was pulled during the last show. He doesn’t blame Chan at all for this, it really isn’t anyone’s fault but his own that he’s in this mess in the first place.

“Enough to know that you lied about cheating on them,” Changbin answers without hesitation, knowing that even pretending to hide that he didn’t know wouldn’t work. Jisung groans and mutters something about ’so everything basically’ to which the drummer shakes his head. “No, not everything. I don’t know why you’d do that. I think I’m still missing a few key details.”

“I know you think you’re doing the right thing,” Chan is quick to add. Now that things have started to get worse about this, he wasn’t just going to sit back and take a passive role. Normally he’s happy to just support his friend in what he chooses to do, he’s been doing it since he learned everything himself. “You’ve seen how that lie has changed them, haven’t you? You may have protected them but at what costs?”

“Okay, I lost the love of my life but–”

“No,” Chan interrupts, shaking his head. “They don’t trust anyone, they don’t look or seem as happy. That’s damage you did. Their confidence, self-worth, name it- because cheating hurts more than just your relationship. That’s something that they’re going to carry with them for the rest of their life, a little voice in the back of their mind telling them that they’re not enough. That there’s something wrong with them, even if they know that your cheating wasn’t their fault.”

“But I didn’t actually cheat!”

“That’s not the point, Ji. They don’t know that. That’s the reality that Red lives in, the one you created and handed them. And until they know the truth, that’s the world they’ll be in.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeongin says, leaning in a little. There’s a look on his face that he’s thinking too hard, confused by something. “Do you mind if we circle back to vows or was that just a synonym?”

“Legally, we’re married.” He falls back on the bed, grabbing the remaining pillow and throwing it on top of his face. Instead of a scream he gives a hard groan and thrashes about a bit. He doesn’t want to look at the expression on Jeongin’s face, knowing that his mouth will be hanging open in surprise.

“What? When? How?” All questions he expected though it didn’t make him any less annoyed and groaned again. “Sorry, I just- How did you guys keep that a secret? When did that even happen?”

Both Chan and Changbin make a gesture as if to say ‘Don’t look at me’. Jisung flings the pillow off himself with another groan before turning his head to look at the youngest member. There’s a silence that settles over the four of them while Jisung gathers his thoughts, sorting through what he should and shouldn’t share right now.

“It was after we went public with our relationship,” he starts. “I wish there was a romantic proposal story but it was just this moment we looked at each other and decided that life could only get better if we were married.” The pain on his face mixes with something a lot softer, something that warms his eyes and makes his mouth push into a soft smile. “We told Chan and Changbin that night and by morning we were married.”

“So what are you protecting them from? What’s so bad that you would rather let them think you cheated?” Changbin is gentle with his question, head tilted to the side as he studies one of his closest friends. He doesn’t want to pressure his band mate but he doesn’t know how to help if he doesn’t know the full story. Jeongin seems to be in agreement, making a noise and nodding as Changbin speaks.

“I love you guys, you know that. But I can’t tell you. Not-” he cuts off any protesting from the others, holding up his hand to stop them. “Not that I don’t want to; I can’t. If I’m going to tell anyone, it’s going to be them first.”

“I hate to say this but if you don’t say something soon, this entire thing is going to end badly. That stunt the other night? It was different when it was just private but now it’s hurting you personally, professionally.” Chan tries to keep his tone as even as possible, despite his flaring anger at all of this. “Dragging us into it.”

“Yeah! And I’m the totally innocent one here.” The teasing does what he wanted, diffusing some of the tension settled around the group. Half-hearted chuckles from the four, Jeongin looking proud that he was able to bring some humor into it all. The topic is dropped for now but Jisung knows that Chan will bring it back up. And soon.

・❥・

With your phone still turned off, you’re not quite sure what time it really is when you return. The hotel lobby is quiet and only one person behind the desk- you assume it’s early hours of the morning. The person greets you with a sleepy smile and a wave before going back to whatever held their interest before your arrival.

The elevator ride is quiet. There’s no music, just the rhythmic ding of each floor as it passes. Number after number before the doors slide open at your destination. The floor is just as quiet as the lobby, with soft ambient lighting. There’s a serene calmness settled around you, a kind of soft quiet that reminds you of first snow falls and watching a sunrise on the terrace. Times when the world seems to have paused just for you, a brief moment of serenity to get you through the day.

You stand in front of the door, blinking a few times at the number on the wall. Your key card won’t grant entry through this door and your hand doesn’t seem to want to rise to knock. Standing in front of the room feels like a mistake, like you should just walk away and head up one more floor to your room- but your feet won’t move from their spot.

In the end you don’t have to knock because the door is pulled open and the person on the other side does not look at all pleased to see you standing there. Chan holds the door open with his foot, arms crossing over his chest as he stares at you. Under his scrutiny you feel so much smaller.

“I came to apologize.” The words are heavy on your tongue. It seems to soften the protector in Chan and he steps aside, gesturing for you to come into the room. Letting out a sigh, releasing a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding, you follow him into the room. Three more pairs of eyes turn in your direction and you freeze as they all look at you.

“Let’s give the two of them some time.” Changbin stands from the bed and grabs Jeongin’s upper arm, pulling him up as well. You’re grateful that your groveling won’t need to be witnessed by everyone though you know you owe them an apology as well. One step at a time, you remind yourself, watching as the three quietly leave the room. Once the door closes behind them, your attention turns to Jisung.

The first thing you notice is how miserable he looks, eyes a little red as if he’d been crying. There’s a slowness to your movements as you sit on the edge of the bed, back to him. You don’t look up when the bed shifts, when he sits next to you, when he takes your hand in his. You don’t move away from him, you don’t take your hand away. Instead you put your head on his shoulder and slide your fingers between his.

You’re the first to speak. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Sang the song.”

“Why did you?” His voice is even, clearer than you expected him to sound, as if he isn’t as heavy as you feel. Maybe he isn’t, maybe he’s not as torn up as you expected- as you’d hoped he would be.

“I was hurt, angry. I still am. This is so hard for me- being around you. I will never not love you, Jisung. But I told you to leave me alone, that I didn’t want you around. But you still sang those songs and it was so painful to stand there and listen to you sing about me. But then I was just angry that you’d hurt me again so I sang the song. I know I shouldn’t have, that doing so was malicious and evil but I just needed to not hurt for once.”

He shifts, forcing you to lift your head and look at him. His free hand reaches for your face and you don’t move away, you sink into the comfort that his touch brings. The warmth and familiarity, the softness in his eyes, pulls you in a little deeper. You’ll never leave the endless expanse of loving him, you will never know what it means to not love Han Jisung. And somehow, you’re okay with that.

“Do you really want me to leave you alone?” He whispers as he presses his forehead against yours.

“I need you to.”

“But you don’t want me to.”

“What do you want me to say? That no, I don’t want you to leave me alone? Because I don’t. That I will always want you? Because I will. What I need and what I want aren’t the same and saying it only hurts. What good does it do to say it?”

“It means we want the same things. If we want the same things then we can work on this, on us.”

“We can’t. I can’t.” You pull away from him then, shifting to stand and walk away from him. You need space, you need to not have every sense flooded with Jisung. Maybe then you can think a little clearer.

“We can! You’re just scared. I know I messed up but I want to prove that this will be different. You’re scared to let yourself be happy with me. But I promise I won’t hurt you, ever again.”

“Of course I’m scared!” You snap, though your voice doesn’t raise much. The serenity of the late night still seeps into your bones, offering the comfort you want to seek out from his touch again. “I’m terrified. You broke my heart, you broke me. You broke it into some many little pieces that the only way I could stop from hurting was falling further and further into my addiction. I nearly died! I was so close and maybe part of me wanted that kind of ending, to finally be free of this pain.” You don’t realize you’re crying until you feel the tear drop roll off your chin and hit your collarbone. You make no move to wipe them away. “I’m so scared that it will just be a cycle, that you’ll hurt me again and I know this time I won’t be able to survive it.”

“Let me prove it to you, please.”

“I can’t. I can’t go back there. I’m so terrified that I’ll fall back down and Chan won’t be there to save me this time.”

“Chan? What does-”

“He never told you? He’s the one who found me the night I overdosed. He’d come to check on me, I think. He’s the one who saved my life and then got me into rehab. I made him promise not to tell you. I always assumed he would eventually, I guess.”

There’s a long silence as he processes everything you’ve given him. He remains seated on the bed, hands in his lap and head hung down. Even without looking at his face you know that he’s taking what you said and letting himself feel guilty over it. You should tell him it wasn’t his fault, that it’s your disease and your struggles that landed you at rock bottom. You don’t.

The silence stretches for minutes, so long that you’re about to turn toward the door and leave until he speaks up again.

“Is there any way that I can prove it to you? That I mean this, that I promise to never hurt you ever again?”

“No, I don’t think so. I don’t know.”

“Just let me show you, let me prove it.”

“Just let me go, Ji. Please, let me go.”

“I can’t. You’re it for me, you have been since we met in Changbin’s dusty garage freshman year. I’ve been in love with you so long I don’t know how to not love you. It’s part of who I am.”

“No, it’s not. Because if that’s true, if that is how you felt, then you wouldn’t have cheated on me. You wouldn’t have lied to me.”

“I’m so-”

You cut him off. “Stop. I’m tired of your apologies and your excuses. You know the worst part of it all? I don’t even fully blame you for it either.”

“No, none of it was your fault.”

“For so long I believed it was. That I was the problem, that I wasn’t good enough. Pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, talented-”

“You are all of those things and more.”

“Stop! Just stop! Because I know that now. I know that I’m more than enough. It took me a really long time but I know my worth now. With the help of people who care about me, who love me for me. And really, the worst part still is that I don’t fully blame you because my addiction issues would be too much for anyone. So I don't blame a coward for running.”

And for the second time that night, you leave before he can say anything else. As you ride the elevator up to your floor, key your way into your room, and crawl into bed after stripping off your stage clothes, you expect the tears to come. You expect the pain to be crushing, the torment of memories to be harsh and unforgiving. But all you feel is serenity as you fall asleep. For the first time in three years, you don’t have a nightmare.

taglist: to join the taglist please comment or send a message! @pearbunny @hyunestrella @stayconnecteed @cutiespaghetti

[idlerin]

nonsense — profiles: [name]’s pe(s)ts

masterlist | in need of medical attention | episode one

they had a seemingly odd unlikely friendship, since they never would’ve met if [name] didn’t decide she wanted to be a volleyball player in her second year in karasuno but quickly gave up (after finding out it required actual body movement) and decided to be the boy’s volleyball team assistant manager instead. that’s how she met the 4 other guys in the tokyo summer training camp and instantly hit it off.

when they were in highschool, since 4 of them are from tokyo [name] and tsuki are the ones who had to adjust to traveling there for a hangout every few months, with kei the one being dragged by [name] everywhere like an annoying big sister (tsuki is the youngest).

in the present day, they all study in tokyo university, with [name] the only one living in the campus dorms with 3 other girls. akaashi and kei live together (i know, an unlikely pair), kuroo and bokuto live together (their place is always messy af), while kenma lives alone in a fancy condo unit.

although [name] was close to all of the boys, kenma was her best friend, so it was tough when he became famous and she was reluctant to be seen on campus with him bc of trauma from the past. so now, she walks on eggshells around him in public but in private they’re free to do whatever (platonically)! she hangs around his place the most, he always says she could just move in but she never fails to heavily refuse.

@/alteregod is your priv and @/whereifindpeace is kenma’s, his kodzuken account (shown in teaser 1) is his public account that he rarely uses for personal stuff. kuroo and bokuto are the only ones who sometimes appear in kenma’s yt channel, that’s why they have a following.

post-breakup [name] was a mess, so she was and still is very thankful to her friends for being with her all throughout her heartbreak season, they brought comfort when she needed it the most. even if they were silly as fuck and bought her an “i’m sorry he broke up with you” cake (it was their attempt at making you laugh, they panicked when you started crying, but the cake tasted good)

nonsense ! an oikawa tooru social media au

synopsis. you were oikawa tooru’s #1 fan, until you became his #1 hater. you hated him so much you went viral on twitter and literally became known as “the oikawa tooru hater”, doesn’t help that he keeps fueling the fire by subtweeting you. everyone is all in for this new drama. what isn’t known to the public, is that this particular drama’s been on hold for three years (him being your ex and all).

a/n — here we goooo!

taglist is open ! + @kawaii-angelanne @ceneridiankaa @kittycasie @rukia-uchiha-98