#yes i am subtweeting myself here

[iriscasefiles]

a word of advice to anyone writing sci-fi or fantasy for the first time: take it from me, maybe don't come up with key worldbuilding details on the basis of making obscure jokes that are literally funny to you and only you

[amorsphere]

hello! 

by visiting this page, you have agreed to asa’s terms of services, which would be:

⋆ a reminder to take a good care of yourself! when the world is already pretty harsh to everybody, it’s a good reason for you to treat yourself well. it’s the least you can do for yourself, it’s something that will surely help with everything.

⋆ stay hydrated. it does sound easy and simple, that’s why it’s an obligation! i don’t have to explain further for this one, do i? ;]

⋆ be kind to everyone; and in this matter, to yourself too! your feelings are valid so i hope you don’t question your worth thinking it’s never enough. you are you, you are the one who knows yourself best, you are the one who decides your value. do yourself good so you can treat everyone well too! 

⋆ be happy but not to the point where you force yourself to. it’s okay to do it little by little in your own pace. you’ll get there eventually, so trust yourself enough for it! 

⋆ spread love! <3

BEFORE YOU FOLLOW, PLEASE READ BELOW. 

i go by the name audene cassandra. asa or audy, i’ll leave it up to you whichever you think fits me better. if you’ve forgotten where we met, you can easily ask me anytime! i attached my roleplay accounts here and my list of closed agencies here so you may go check it out first before you ask. as basic information, i use feminine pronoun but i don't mind anyone referring to me using neutral pronoun, so she/her and they/them are both alright! and yes, i am in my legal age too so users with "mdni" labels are also free to interact. a pleasure to meet you!

PLEASE NOTE THIS TOO: i am not following anyone randomly, so if you would like to be friends, do let me know! i don’t follow anyone i never talked to before if it's not from menfesses or fcvs, so i hope you understand that i don’t give followbacks to strangers unless i’m being asked to─which i will also ask you back about how did you end up following me.

ALSO, cyber account is a place where i am me, as myself, not my rp personas nor the image i put up as someone in real life. if you’re uncomfortable with my tweets or medias, you are always free to do mute, unfollow or even leave a hard block. i might do a lot of tmis regarding my real life but despite so, please refrain from asking personal information unless we’re close enough and you’ve known me for long. 

FEEL FREE to point out when i make mistakes, though! i'll really appreciate it if you can let me know in private about things that i do wrong. i'll be very delighted to know that i can always improve to be a better person; even better will thank you for correcting me if there's anything about me that doesn't sit well with you.

PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW ME if you like to subtweet your friends and engage yourself in directed hates and fights on timeline. i would love to keep my timeline peaceful and anxiety-free. i don’t mind rants and thoughts, but directed hates will surely receive a mute or unfollow button. please also lessen being rude. then last but not least, i will really appreciate it if you put trigger warnings on sensitive tweets related to violence, blood, or anything gore.

I CAN ASSURE that my account is safe for everyone of all age, or anyone at all. if you have anything to let me know anonymously, you can visit this link too. thank you so much for reading and make sure to take notes of my terms and conditions that i wrote above! <3

[hayscodings]

it’s so bizarre to me that people keep posting these ‘hear ye, hear ye’ public service announcements about laura being such a horrible person in her own tag when doom patrol is literally a show that’s all about the grey, and there isn’t a single character on it who isn’t deeply flawed and hasn’t made terrible choices. like…that is the entire premise. all of the leads have done questionable things in their lives. that is the point.

yet for some reason i keep seeing people being utterly scandalized that there are fans actually acknowledging the nuance in laura’s characterization, and enjoying her, as if laura was the worst person in the whole world for giving up the sisterhood and running away from her guilt. as if she was so incredibly evil that she couldn’t possibly have any good qualities, or be empathized with. such a thing would be apologism, surely! everything is mutually exclusive.

i just finished watching an episode the other day where rita admitted to setting up casting couch meetings between young aspiring actresses and some sleazy producer all because she was getting steady roles in movies, and even when one of those girls got pregnant and subsequently killed herself, rita continued to prioritize her career and decided against taking care of the now orphaned baby in favor it. this is one of the show’s protagonists. we are meant to sympathize with her and believe that she is someone who is capable of change— something that it took decades for her to do. if that doesn’t indicate the show’s approach to morality, i don’t know what does.

but knock yourselves out thinking everything is black and white, i guess. i’ll be over here having a great time and continuing to enjoy laura de mille, completely unbothered, because i have critical thinking skills and like fun. and i’ve never gotten the impulse to try and police other people’s enjoyment of a fictional character just to pat myself on the back and feel morally superior afterward, as if telling people on tumblr dot com how they should consume their silly little tv shows was doing something.

*i am not inviting discussion on this post, i have no desire to engage with anyone doing the tumblr equivalent of subtweeting*

[hardlyinteresting]

A few things I'd like to clarify:

1. It took me a long time to decide to post about Tony Balerdi and I was nervous to share my thoughts because the way I see that film has become deeply personal to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say how many times I've watched it. I literally watch it every night, it's my comfort film and my hyperfixation (which is not a term I just use in passing, I mean it seriously). My headcanons about the character and the film mean a lot to me and not to be dramatic but it took a lot out of me exposing my thoughts like that and being genuinely open. I really had to reach inside and choose to expose thoughts and feelings that mean so much to me. I did so because I felt safe here and I have my friends on here and in real life who have always been supportive to thank for that.

2. My headcanon about Kaitlin seems to be a point of contention so I'll clarify this now as well, I do not and have not ever thought that Tony and her had any kind of romantic relationship or anything serious in any way shape or form. I simply stated that it's my personal belief that they've hooked up/or are hooking up. I also stated that I would NEVER ever say that Tony was not in love with Adam, in fact, I also said that Tony's love language is acts of service and that handing over a whole restaurant without question is an example of his acts of service for the people he loves. While I do understand that never in the film do they say he's bisexual, never do they explicitly say he's a homosexual man. And on that point, a man can be head over heels in love with a man and have sex with a woman. It was also important to me that I only used the term partner and other gender-neutral terms when speaking on my thoughts of what Tony is like in relationships etc. Me saying that Tony is bi was not a way for me to get more Tony x f!reader fanfics out there. I have only ever said partner in all my headcanons to allow mlm readers and a majority of people who do see Tony as only being attracted to men, as well as other people all over the gender spectrum to enjoy my headcanons (because gender and sexuality are both spectrums and there are infinite ways to be mlm, to begin with). I would never write Tony x f!reader fanfics myself l so I mildly resent that implication that I think Tony is bi just to allow women to simp over a gay character. Beyond the 2 headcanons 1 being that Tony is bi and 2 being that I think him and Kaitlin hooked up never do I mention female readers or Tony hooking up with women in the past on currently at all. The other several headcanons are fully gender-neutral and are fully inclusive to mlm. my headcanons don't take anything away from the gravity of the plot of the film or Tony's canonical love for Adam. I was also self-aware in knowing that people would not agree with me and THAT'S OKAY! People reblogged or dm'd me and told me, "love the headcannons, I don't see Tony as bi though, but that's just my opinion" yes. I completely respect that, and that is a perfectly valid way to disagree with someone!

3. A couple people have asked me now, so I am also going to clear this up as well; I am aware of some subtweet style posts that are unquestionably referencing my headcanons. I have nothing to say about it. I do not want to start drama it's literally the very last thing I want. The Brühl characters and the side of tumblr dedicated to all of them is my safe place and I have no interest in tainting that for myself or bringing negativity into other peoples lives. The only thing I will say is that it's okay to disagree with people, but it's not nice to be mean or passive-aggressive. (I'm NOT implying that this person people have brought to my attention was being mean or passive-aggressive, simply stating that it's not something ANYONE should be doing).

And this is all I'm going to say about any of it, it's been weighing heavy on my heart and giving me quite bad anxiety actually, and making me quite sad. But please don't send me anything more about it, I've distanced myself because I don't want that energy in my life or around my blog and I am comfortable where I am now. I love every single person who follows me and interests with this blog in any way, being able to make my hyper fixation into content that other people enjoy is a beautiful feeling and I hope I can keep doing it for a wide range of Brühl characters 💕💕💕💕

[andmineisyellow]

So... apparently, my previous post caused a small stir on Twitter (from a number of people who very clearly didn't actually read the post and just heard about it through word of mouth). Anyway, I normally wouldn't address this at all, and if I did, I would try and do so directly, but I don't have a fandom Twitter account, so here we are. Again normally, I would just ignore people looking down on my posts, because ultimately it really isn't about me, it's about their own feelings on the text, which is fine. They're allowed to have those feelings. But a line was crossed and I feel like I need to say something.

There is a small number of fans making the assumption that because I like the idea of Eloise having a crush on a girl, I am a quote, "Woke straight person." I should not have to justify myself, especially when it comes to fictional characters that mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. But, in case it wasn't abundantly clear before,

I am very Queer.

This is not the first time I've seen people make this assumption about those who view any of the characters in the show as potential queer representation. Straight is not the default, friends. And I would argue that while, yes, there is a history of straight people fetishizing queer or queer-coded people in media, we shouldn't just assume that is the case. Not every shipping preference is in bad faith. Feel free to subtweet about my Bridgerton hot takes all day long, but leave my sexuality out of it.

There is a much longer conversation to be had about gatekeeping within the Bridgerton fanbase, but it's not something I am ready to dive into today. For now, I'll just say, my interpretation of the work is no more or less valuable to the discussion than those who disagree with me. In the wise words of Charlie from The Santa Clause movies, "Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist." Fandom would not be able to thrive without a little discourse, but let's keep it respectful, yeah?

[beetlemancy]

god I'm tired of CR fandom twitter today. People just always seem to have to find something to criticise, even right now when there's so many better targets for their anger. Tell me this, if I block the person who was being a particularly big headache under the tweet about CR not broadcasting this week (I think you know who I mean?), would I be doing myself a favour for avoiding this kind of shit in the future? I.e. are they always Like This?

I realize what I say under the cut could possibly be misconstrued as personal attacks against this person, and thus I am putting it under a readmore and as I said in my tags, I will NOT be naming names or showing screenshots. Everything is easily find-able if you really want to research. As always, you never have to take my word for anything. Twitter has a search function.

ALSO. NONE of what I say here in context of what this person does or said today specifically has anything at all to do with any POC and specifically Black people who have the valid opinion that CR can and should do better. Nobody will agree on how best white creators can help a situation at any given time and it is not my place as a white person to police that shit. 

This person is a white dude, and I will absolutely police his shit.

He is literally always like this. He hijacks and abuses real world problems for his vendetta against CR and the individuals who made it. He seems to think they are multimillionaire corporate shills (likely because of the Kickstarter, though people have told him over and over how that money actually works). He is constantly talking over POC, like today when he spoke over a Black person underneath the CR schedule update. 

Other POC in his mentions have also subtweeted about how he’s been suspiciously racist before, but I don’t have the details on that. I’m inclined to believe them, though. He had no problem abusing the very real concern about colorism in this fandom in order to pivot the conversation back to how CR itself (and not the individuals in the fandom that were actually responsible) is somehow oppressing him and his friends specifically. 

This is not the first important movement he’s tried to corrupt and it will not be the last - though, I have to say, this is the first time I’ve seen him get shut up so quickly and without any of his buddies to back him up. 

As a note, however, I would like to point out that a lot of his hatred comes from a very real place. Gay men specifically were traumatized, and one (probably more than one lets be real) harassed endlessly, by what went down in the Fjorester discord. He absolutely will always land on this if you manage to get past all his other ammunition, and you will lose here because what happened was truly reprehensible.

However, and I say this as a member of the queer community, he is WRONG about how he continues to steal clout from other movements he clearly doesn’t give two shits about and he is WRONG for not holding the actual people accountable and he is WRONG for speaking over Black people - not especially right now, I mean always. White queers NEVER have the ‘go ahead’ to speak over BiPOC just because we’re queer.

Yes, sometimes he speaks with Black people who call for CR to do better. Nobody who calls this guy out is saying that all of his tweets are Wrong or Bad. He paints himself as a good ally and he does it well most of the time. But - he tipped his hand tonight and I think it might take him awhile to recover before we see it happen again.

[lux-talks-a-lot]

New Episode Reactions!!! Pt 1

AHHH, I have so many feelings ya'll!! This episode was so awesome and the art was absoulty suberp! Thomas and the whole crew worked so hard to get this out and it really paid off! I just wanted to run through all the amazing things in this ep now that I've watched it once!

I'm warning you now this is mostly just me gushing about amazing and great everything is because it's very amazing and great! Strap in for spoiler central!!!

First of all the thumbnail is just amazing

Starting off with Thomas being incredibly relatble and awkward, we love to see it!

ROMAN!!!!

VIRGIL!!!!!

I love that this confirms that the sides just pop up in Thomas's day to day life and bully him, it's great

Side notw: I love how the artists drew Thomas in this, he looks adorable

OMG prinxiety poping out the godamn clothing hanging thing to call thomas old makes me very happy

I love that this whole episode is Virgil and Roman bonding, it is fabulos.

"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I LOVE YOU MEANS TO THEM?"

"You told me to say it!"

"STOP PLAYING YOU PEOPLE'S HEARTS THOMAS"

I love this so much

There is a whole lot of lying here but I have yet to spot a single snake boi :(

I know Jan had a whole thing last episode but like... I miss him :(((

HEART EYES ROMAN!!!!! BEING SO GODAMN DRAMATIC!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

"*long poetic description of feelings*"

"What?"

"*SIGH* Cutie at twelve-o-clock."

Prinxeity's dual calling of bullshit when Thomas says he's not interested

WHY IS ROMAN ME WHEN I SEE A CUTE GIRL IN PUBLIC

Virgil pulling fucking boniculars just out of nowhere

"He's got some stickers on his laptop."

"Pretty gay~" *finger gun*

Virgil laying down introvert laws on stickers is great and very true (in unrelated news, I need to buy more stickers for my laptop)

Nico's a disney fan too!!!!

I kind of love that it was the Nightmare Before Chrismas sticker that sealed the deal for them because it's something that's very Roman and also very Virgil

Also how can you not take that sticker as clear sign from the universe that this will end in roman and happily ever afters, I'm with Roman here (when am I not tho?)

"You can live like Jack and Sally..."

I don't why Virgil calling Roman doofus is so funny and dorky to me but it is and I love it. I want them to get along but I want to keep the banter and little insults that don't mean much

"Why forget your spectacles at the retirment home?"

"Those jokes are getting old..."

"You would know..."

I love the gentle bullying

YOU SEE SOME BUTTONS; YOU BUTTON IT!!!!!

PINTERVERTS!!!!

THIS IS WHY I LOVE SEEING THESE INTERACTING!!!!

Seeing Roman and Virgil with the head sets and mics really makes me want to like make a rodio hosts AU, they'd defintly be interesting pair to listen to. Oh! or like a podcast thing or something! I'd listen to it!

Also the backseat driving from prinxiety is great

"I'M NOT MAX! I'M PRINCE ROMAN -"

Also that godamn, you got five seconds thing gave ME anxciety

"great."

"great indeed."

"GREAT INDEED!"

boiled. mayo. carrots. what the heck thomas.

"The only logical next step. Go home and regret everything." Virge, buddy, pal, chill for like five seconds.

"No man!"

"Uh, it's RO-man. With an R? You're really struggling today."

Ro, buddy, pal, princey, never change.

"When it comes to anti-social etiquette, I'm a triple expert. An ex-ex-expert!"

"Easy tiger" This is flirting right? This is defintly flirting. They are flirting!

GAY EYES!!!!

Roman doing the gay eyes and the little noises AHHHH, I'm dying, i'm deceased, my ghost is writing this

Side note: I'm really tempted to become a patron just to see the live action version of this scene alone, imagine my friends, imagine

Gay eyes have never worked for me either

DISASTOR!

"No DO look at youself Thomas. Because that was a test and you failed!"

"You were testing me!?!?!"

"Oh no, I was just panicking."

I love them

I also love all of Virgil's instenseness in this episode because honestly very relatable to my own anxiety but also the art was just really great

 “If you don’t have anything nice to say... you’re a dirty lier.”

God the whole pretend you’re leaving was so funny and gave me such secondhand embrassement, it was so good

“I hate to rain on your black parade, Gerard Gay -”

I missed him and his nicknames SO MUCH

Virgil and Roman literally pulling Thomas around and making him sit and stand is just so funny to me. it’s like Roman and Logan fighting over control of Thomas’s arms

“You’re making a mistake!”

“If I am I’ll add it to the list!”

Oh. My heart. Roman, darling, no -

Again with the pushing, guys

This poor random passerby who got accosted by Thomas’s awkwardness. I hope they had a good day at the mall at least

THE TRASH CAN!!!!

I love that it’s not just Thomas in the trash can but all three of them

This is another scene I would LOVE to see live action

“You were being a baby about the buttons and the pins had you panicking.”

It’s nice to see Roman helping Thomas get clean in the bathroom

“He’s got birds on the brain! You don’t wanna wing it, Virge? Alright let’s drum up a plan!”

I love the puns but I love Roman trying to help Virge feel better about this more even tho they didn’t end up going with this

“It’s like cyber-stalking but real life”

“So... stalking”

“... OH YOU’RE RIGHT!”

Virgil, sweetie, you’re doing amazing

“Speaking from the heart” Patton, buddy, is that you?

THE MONOLOGUE!!!!

“The mall is where you go when you don’t know what you want because the mall has everything...”

Roman’s face at that line really killed me fam. He is going through some stuff, huh

Actually Roman’ and Virgil’s faces during the whole speech really killed me

OMG THE DUDE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!

All those theories about the next ep being Ro & Virge bonding through mutual dislike of Janus were sorta right

Also it’s interesting that Virgil is clearly talking about Janus but is still calling him Deciet

Also generally enjoying the calm Prinxeity team up and discussion for once

“No, he’s better off without me.”

AH no, thomas!

Damn I’m so used to Sides Angst the character thomas angst really hit me by the wayside

GAY PANIC

NICO!!!!!

“HE FEARS THINGS TOO!?”

THE GAY PANIC!!!!

“I THINK I SAW A LOT OF WIDE VOWELS?”

“NEVADA????”

“MORE THAN THAT!”

“ANACONDA?????”

“ANACONDA!!!!! HE’S A NIKKI MINHAJ FAN!!!!”

They are such disaster gays

Mishearing the guy and then instead of asking for a repeat, just going along with it is so terribly terribly relatable but god the second hand embrasment

“another chance at happiness squandered.”

break my heart why doncha ya

 The whole sequence of Virgil noticing Roman being so godamn sad and miserable and watching Nico walk away and his breathing speeding up and the wide eyed panic before he pushes thomas is literally my favorite part of the whole damn video! that wasn’t easy for him to do but he did it. for roman and thomas. so that didn’t squader another chance. he was so brave and i’m so proud of him

I really love Nico! He seems so chill and adorable and he took thomas’s flutered rambling so well! and he’s a writer!!! and he winked at thomas!!!

Mr. Florez!!!!

He’s writing a song!!!!!

The song explanation calling thomas out is kind of adorable

this whole meet cute is kind of adorable

“THAT WAS YOU?” “ARE YOU OKAY?”

brusied ego, aw does that mean Patton’s gonna be taking care of Ro like the last time Thomas got a brusied ego

MY SECOND FAVORITE PART OF THE VIDEO: Ro’s soft little “Shut up, emo” and the little hearts and his hand on Virgil’s shoulder and Virgil’s little smile at him and the whole calling Virge brave!!! It was all so so so good!!!!

End Card Time!!!!!

Thomas calling Roman a punk is adorable

Also Janus’s Corridor Of Stored Rewards!!! Amazing

Everyone coming back all excited and giddy really matched my own excitement and giddiness and I love it

LITERAL SCREAMS OF JOY

Virgil’s purple sparkly eyeshadow because he’s happy is so so pure and amazing and I kind of want to try out that look myself

“Thomas I’m gonna need you to walk around the entire room - yes thank you- that helps somehow”

even more things to project onto Virgil with, thank you

I haven’t seen Virgil smile this much in one episode before and it is really watering my crops, clearing my skin, rasing my grades, saving my whole ass year -

The dark eyeshadow returning at Thomas’s subtweet is great and very relatable

Virgil asking what is things are never the same again but with light eyeshadow and the clearly more hopeful outlook on things makes me so very happy

I love Roman being excited but like we don’t see virgil so giddy nearly as often and it’s just so heartwarming

Roman trying to get them to go to France on V-day and Virge actually going along with the idea!!!

Virgil telling Thomas to do the happy flappies!!!!

Virgil’s face at ‘are u ready for this’ kills me

But the deepening panic voice when the dog barks and his reaction to Ro telling him to relax was great

in summary: I though based on the title this was going to be the other sides flirting with Virgil and honestly I wasn’t that far off

[laenij]

i am definitely in the long, drawn out process of losing a friend due to what is probably 5% my fault and 95% their fault. and i...don’t think that’s a bad thing but i’ve also resigned myself to it happening a few months ago. just because i refuse to cut contact with another friend of mine, who is an ex-friend of this person.

tl;dr: tegan holds a grudge like no one else & despite saying so doesn’t like myself & andrea being friends with someone she’s cut out, AND needs too much emotional labour to be bothered with. tegan will just block us/subtweet us before she ever talks about any issues she’s having with us.

some backstory.

tegan (friend i’m in the process of losing). anni (the other friend). me (lou). andrea (the other one in the group chat). ginger (anni’s partner).

anni & giniger are poly/in an open relationship but things are only okay if it is DISCUSSED FIRST, as in BEFORE SOMETHING HAPPENS.

at a birthday party at the beginning of last year, tegan slept with ginger. NEITHER of them consulted with anni first. now this is 95% ginger’s problem and 5% tegan’s, which i say because if i was going to sleep with a friend’s partner i would definitely be making sure that is was okay first. tegan blames on being drunk, which isn’t actually an excuse. 

anyway, anni obviously feels pretty shit about this but they talk to over a lot with ginger and tegan and they all agree to not bring it up again and that it won’t happen again, but acknowledge that anni was really hurt by this happening.

a couple of months go by and everything’s going well and then anni breaks their ankle. now, she and tegan live quite close to each other and ginger does not drive. so anni asks tegan if tegan is okay with driving them to the hospital and to some appointments and tegan says yes, that’s fine. andrea also steps up to pick them up a couple of times, so it’s not JUST tegan.

a few more things happen in this time but basically they are variations on this theme. 

anyway a few months after this tegan decides that anni has just been “using” her and is using the fact that she slept with their partner against her. and then decides to not talk to anni about this but just block them on everything and then block a couple of anni’s other good friends for good measure, to ensure that nothing about tegan gets back to them or something.

(for the record tegan has done this before, both with another mutual friend and andrea herself. andrea actually sat tegan down and made tegan talk about it and they became friends again but the other friend is still person non grata and i have recently reconnected with them in a very very casual way and tegan does not like that but refuses to acknowledge it)

we ask and tegan tells us it’s okay that we remain friends with anni but she’d just like a heads up if we’re going to invite anni to a mutual thing. our timeline here is now almost a year exactly. and still likes jocleyn and amy but blocked them so that anni doesn’t find out what she’s saying about them or something. (also at this point anni pulls out the big stops and makes a series of tweets saying she was never trying to use tegan but also mentions that tegan had slept with her partner and it IS a bit of a mess but it’s between them, really) 

and this is the backstory you need for what happened last night.

last night we were out at the bar, the same bar we have been going to since febuary last year. myself, andrea, tegan & anni all started going there together then and as time went on anni stopped coming due to their health stuff. it was always generally known that if you knew us and wanted to rock up for an end of week bev you could, so it has NEVER been an exclusive little club. 

yesterday tegan wasn’t sure if she would make it so when jocleyn asked if she could come we said sure, why not. tegan said later that she didn’t feel up to coming which was fine. now it turns out that jocleyn was ALSO bringing anni with her as anni was going to drive her to the airport. but i checked us all into facebook, as one does, and tegan immediately said to us “i’m trying to not let it bother me but it’s hurting a bit that i only cancelled on harley house like 3 hours ago and ive already been replaced by a person who has done so much damage to me”

now first of all: most of that damage was tegan making things worse than they were. trust me, i was there. i am still friends with them both because neither of them were ABSOLUTELY 100% IN THE RIGHT. they both did some fucked up stuff to the other. and none of the fucked up shit would’ve really happened at all if tegan had TALKED TO ANNI WHEN SHE FIRST STARTED FEELING LIKE SHE DID/DOES.

anyway.

i reply with “tbh joc just invited them along with her when joc asked if it was cool if she came, it wasn’t something we sent out” 

tegan: “ok but you can see why it would bother me yeah, especially on a day when i’m already feeling pretty vulnerable”

now, please remember that tegan literally said that she didn’t mind that we were friends with anni still AND that harley house has never been “exclusively us” time. so i replied with “yeah i can see that, but just so you know we didn’t invite them they were incidental” 

and to that i got no reply but both myself and andrea got soft-blocked on tegan’s alt twitter account and claire (another mutual friend who comes to harley house with us every week now AND who was there last night but did NOT get soft blocked) this morning said that tegan is basically having a breakdown on her alt.

so basically tegan actually does NOT want us to continue being friends with anni and wants us to constantly reassure her that she is in the right and a good person who does good things, which is both too much emotional labour and no one is 100% perfect but when we call that out we’re the “bad guys”. 

tegan holds a grudge like no one else ever and i just CAN NOT be bothered dealing with it, which is why i’m probably going to lose her as friend. also because, knowing tegan and how she deals with her problems, she will just block us first without talking to us about any issues she’s having. and then be confused about why she’s still dealing with her emotions about it a year later, DESPITE therapy. i’m half checked out of the friendship at this point because i can see it coming. 

[randompandagirl]

So I just reread my Nano from last year (for the first time) that I thought was a piece of garbage... and it was much better than I thought it was. It’s not amazing, but it definitely made me laugh at bits (I think I’m hilarious, honestly). Anyway, I actually want to write more in it for fun. I also decided I am going to post it on here because I feel like it. So below is Chapter One. Even if it gets no comments I will probably post the other three chapter later.

This story is about a school for Time Travelers.

Elsewhere Chapter One “And afraid of a disaster, Miss Clavel ran faster and faster.” - Madeline, Ludwig Bemelmans  

                                                         Kinsley’s POV

“And you have absolutely no say?” Yesenia asked, giving me the side eye as she popped another cherry into her mouth.

  I shook my head. “No say whatsoever. I tried begging, I tried bargaining, I tried threatening. Nothing.” 

 “Well that's stupid. It's not like you're moving, or some delinquent! Why in the world does your mom think it's a good idea to send you to a boarding school for senior year? And besides, aren't boarding schools for like, super rich people?” Yesenia was about to grab another cherry but I quickly put the lid on the container and moved them away. I sighed as I did so and shook my head. 

  “Apparently I am getting a scholarship or something.” Which honestly made no sense to me, nothing did about this situation, but this least of all. I was a slightly below average student and I was held back in seventh grade, so I was also older than everyone else (except Keegan, but then, even some of the teachers were younger than him). If that doesn't scream not scholarship material I don't know what does. Also, I don't remember applying for anything. I would have remembered applying for a fancy school in New Zealand. 

   Yesenia, now that the food was out of her reach, stood, leaving me to sit alone on the park bench. “So you're really leaving tomorrow.” 

  I nodded up at her, lifting my hand to block out the sun.

   “That's just great.  Now I'll have to sit with Becky for lunch.” She sighed and then shrugged. “I guess I'll see you when I see you.”

    I just nodded again and then watched her as she left. Yesenia had been the last person on my list of people to say goodbye to before I left. It went just as I thought it would. We weren't that close, but I knew she would be mad if I didn't at least try to make an effort. Not that I would be here to see, but I know for a fact she would have been subtweeting me for weeks.

  I sighed opening up the cherries and tossing one in my mouth.  I knew I should probably be heading home, but who knows when the next time I would be in North Carolina was?  I wanted to enjoy the sights and sounds one last time.

   I closed my eyes and leaned my head back  and just soaked up the sun, letting my mind race.

   When my mother had told me three weeks ago that I would be attending Sudbrink Academy in New Zealand for my senior year I thought she had finally lost it.  I thought for sure it was a scam, so I googled it. I called the school and talked to real people. It was not a scam, everything they said seemed legit. 

 Even so I was skeptical. I was still skeptical. I would probably stay that way until started classes. Who knows, maybe even still.

   A buzzing feeling on my leg alerted me to the fact my mother was calling. She always called. Never texted. Which meant I always had to have my phone at least on vibrate.

   I sat up, opening my eyes, and answered her call. “Yes?”

   “You're still meeting me and Dan for dinner, right?” Her voice sounded frantic. It always sounded frantic. She always seemed to be worried about something or anxious about another. 

  “Yes. I told you, five thirty.” I quickly checked the time on my phone. “It's five. I've got time.”

    “Okay, okay! I just wanted to make sure you remembered. I will see you there!” She hung up before I could reply.

    I knew I should probably go home and make myself presentable before going out to dinner with my mother and her boyfriend, but I didn't really have much left that wasn't already packed away. So instead I just sat on the park bench just a little while longer and watched as a couple of kindergartners chased each other across the playground.

   As I watched I began to feel myself zoning out. Everything started to feel foggy and my vision became cloudy. I could no longer hear the shouts of the little girls. My stomach clenched as I realized what was happening. I forced myself to drop my head into my lap and covered my ears with my hands.

    “You're here, you're fine. You're here, you're fine.” I muttered to myself until I once again heard the little childish screams. I lifted my head and everything was back to normal. I had to get out of here. I threw the cherries into my backpack and slipped it on. As I headed for my bike chained up against a near by tree I counted. I counted how many episodes I had had in the past month. Seven. This was my seventh episode.

   I wasn't quite sure what was happening but it made me feel sick to my stomach. It felt like I was was being erased. It was the only way I could describe it, and did, to my therapist.  She had tried to help, I know she had, but nothing changed; it was still happening.

   My thoughts kept moving as I started to bike to the restaurant. Truthfully, and this was not something I had told anyone, but I was actually happy to be leaving. The circumstances that were making it happen made no sense, but I had lied to Yesenia when I said I had tried everything

.   When my mother told me, I, of course, at first was outraged, but the more I thought of it, the more I wanted it. To leave.  I hated my school, I really didn't have a best friend, or even a close friend. My boyfriend and I had broken up a bit before the school news (good riddance) and my mother was... well... my mother. 

  It wasn't her fault. She had a problem, and I know she is taking her meds, and trying her best, but at the end of the day, I just feel like we're two people living in the same apartment  for convenience only. I know that is a horrible way to view a parent, and there are some days where she is a mother. But most days we barely see each other.

   Me leaving would be best for both of us. She would be able to focus on Dan and her job, and I wouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling like she was my child more than my mother.

Dinner went just as well as expected. I was waited almost a half an hour for my mother and Dan to arrive at the restaurant and then had to endure Dan's quips such as, “Are you sure your Denise's daughter? Maybe you were switched at birth! Like that tv show!”

   Dan was a nice guy and good to my mom; he could just be terribly stupid at times.  The truth is, Dan wasn't the only one to have made those 'jokes' though. That's what happens when your mom is blonde and blue-eyed and your father was a random Japanese exchange student that your mother can't remember the name of.  You end up looking nothing like your only blood relative that you know. With my black hair and hazel eyes, the only part of us that look even slightly familiar is our noses: long and narrow.

   So the comments were a common occurrence, though Dan had been with my mother for about a year now, so now they were just annoying.

   After dinner was done my mother and I went home where we sat on the couch and watched Singing in the Rain. Well, my mother slept and I watched as I painted my nails. I glanced at her every once in a while and couldn't help the sense of relief that rushed through me whenever I thought about tomorrow.  I glanced one more time at my mother, quietly snoring with her mouth open, and leaned over to place a blanket over her.

     Tomorrow I would hop on a plane and would be gone for almost a year. Nothing to worry about but my school work. No teachers that already hated me. No fake friends to keep up with. No ex-boyfriend to avoid. I could completely start over. Be someone totally different. 

~~  I had never been on a plane before. In fact I have never been out of North Carolina before so my eyes were everywhere every step of the way. The flight had been paid for by the school, which I was pretty sure was not protocol, but neither my mother nor I questioned it because $2,000 for a plane ticket was two thousand dollars out of our price range. It was a nice flight, but was ridiculously long and by the time we landed I was very discombobulated.

   When I stepped off of the plane, after going through customs, I was surprised to see someone standing there waiting for me. I knew they were waiting for me by the sign that held my name in big block letters: Kinsley Bennett.

   “I'm Kinsley Bennett.” I said, walking closer to the woman that stood there, my feet feeling like lead with each step. She smiled warmly at me.

   “Kinsley, I'm Ursula! I am one of the caretakers of the grounds at Sudbrink Academy! Come with me, and we will gather your belongings and be on our way!”

  I wasn't sure what time it was, but I knew everything she said was way to bright for me. I yawned discreetly trying to hide it behind a hand and followed her through the airport to the baggage claim where thankfully all my luggage was. I had heard stories about baggage being lost or damaged and had worried about that the last hour of the flight.

   All the while Ursula talked, but I was so tired that nothing she said registered with me whatsoever. I remember thinking vaguely how dangerous it was that I was not fully aware of my surroundings, but not for long. Once we got into her car she insisted I sleep for it was a bit of a drive to the Academy and I promptly obeyed.

When I woke up I was no longer in the car. That was the very first thing I noticed because my body was outstretched and everything was still. My eyes flew open and I sat up fast

.   “Your awake!” 

   The voice was accented, British, and young sounding and not at all familiar. My head jerked to where the voice came from and I saw a teenage girl sitting on a bed across the room. I looked down and saw that I was in a bed as well.   

“What the hell.” I stated. “How did I get in here?”

    The girl smiled brightly, and two dimples appeared on either side of her cheeks and her blonde ponytail swung as she stood to her feet.

    “Ursula brought you in! She tried to wake you up but she said you were sleeping like the dead, so she carried you in! I helped bring in your luggage. I didn't open anything, I swear!”

    I didn't answer her I just peeled the blanket off of my body my face scrunched up in a scowl. How did Ursula carry me in? What kind of person carries a sleeping nineteen year old. 

   “I'm Tilly by the way! Short for Matilda.” The girl said standing in front of me now with her hand outstretched.

   I looked at her hand and then up and her little cherub face and then shook her hand reluctantly.

   “Kinsley.” I stood and immediately went for my things. “How long did I sleep. What time is it?”

   Tilly titled her head to side as she thought. “Well I think it's been about four hours since Ursula dropped you off. I just came back from dinner. I'm your roommate by the way, if you didn't guess that by now!”

    I found what I was looking for, my hair brush, and sat back on the edge of my bed. “Great, I am going to have some major jet lag.” I sighed and then looked at Tilly again. “I'm sorry, but I'm still a little weirded out about the whole someone carried me in here thing.”

    Tilly laughed. “Well, that's Ursula for you! She treats us all like her children. She is such a sweetheart!”

    I made a non-commital grunt as I hit a snag in my hair. “Sure.'” 

   “Well, I can show you the dinning hall if you're hungry!” Everything this girl said was bright and cheery. I was not sure how I was gonna last with her as my room mate for a year.  She was the kind of person I usually avoided. I didn't have the stomach for twenty-four seven optimism. Here was hoping we weren't in any of the same classes.

   I pulled the hair brush through my hair in one last stroke and then dropped it to my bed and stood. “Do we have curfew?” I asked. 

   “Ten o'clock!”

   “Right, okay. Uh, thanks for offering, but I'm gonna just... go by myself.”  

  Tilly's smile faltered just for a moment, but then was back. “Okay!  The dinning room is on the floor level. All the dorm rooms are on the top two levels. The classrooms are in between. We are in the east wing, room 23!”

    “Thanks.” I looked around for my purse, which I found on the dresser that stood next to my bed and grabbed my phone.

    Without another word I left the room and started wandering around for an elevator.  This place was huge, I soon realized. I mean, I had seen the pictures on it's website, but I was guess I thought it was deceiving. After going down hallway after hallway of rooms I finally found an elevator. I pushed the down button and waited.

   When the doors opened one other person was inside. It was the first person I had seen since Tilly. I had heard some people behind doors, but not a single person had been in the halls. It was strange.

   I stepped into the elevator and pushed the button for ground level and then eased myself onto the elevator wall. I glanced at the other person with me. It was a young man, probably roughly my age, who looked maybe Mexican? He had wild curly hair that came to rest just above his shoulder and the longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a guy. I only noticed them because his eyes were closed.

   He had earbuds in and must have been listening to music. I don't think he even noticed me get on.  I looked back at the panel of buttons and saw that we were on the eighth floor out of ten. That was ridiculous. I swore under my breath. 

  “You're new here, aren't you.” The voice definitely held a Spanish accent.

   I rolled my eyes. “How can you tell?” 

  “You're leaning against the freshly painted wall.”

  “What!” I cried jumping off of the wall, throwing a look over my shoulder. Sure enough there was yellow paint on my shirt. I groaned. 

   “That's great.” I muttered. “Who paints a wall and doesn't put up a sign?”  

  The boy shrugged, a small smile on his face, and puts his ear buds back in. 

    I frowned and  looked to see what floor we were on. Two. I sighed; I wanted to change my shirt, but I was also hungry. My stomach rumbled at the thought of food. Dinning hall it was. The doors opened and I stepped out, the boy following me. Thankfully he headed in the opposite direction. 

   I wondered briefly how many people he was going to tell that the new girl just branded herself as much with a coat of paint. I sighed and kept walking down the hall I had chosen. Thankfully the Dinning hall was not far and still open. 

   I checked my phone. It was six and a couple of kids were still eating. The dining hall was not like any cafeteria I had been in. It actually gave me Harry Potter feels as I surveyed the area. There were long tables in rows, but instead of a head table, it was a food bar with what looked to be the kitchen peaking through a hole in the wall. 

  Dinner was uneventful. No one came up to me and I approached no one. I wandered around the ground level a bit, finding the main entrance and a library before I backtracked to the elevator and returned to my room. 

  Tilly was still there and was sitting at her desk (there were side by side desks facing out the windows, I assumed the other desk was mine) using a sewing machine.  After I changed into some pjs (I doubted that I would be going out again) I sat down on bed once again and watched her. I suppose I should know some things about her so that I could be prepared. 

   “So, Tilly.” I started.

    She lifted her head from her sewing machine and stopped, turning in her chair to smile at me. “Kinsley! You found your way back!”  

  “Yeah. So, how long have you been going to school here?” 

   She hesitated and then answered slowly, “Well... I've been here since I was ten. I actually live here.” 

   My eyebrows rose in question. “You live here? What, do your parents teach here or something?”

    She looked down at her hands that were  gripping the back of her wooden chair. “Ah, no, actually. My parents passed away when I was young. The board thought this would be the safest place for me.” 

   Now I was really confused. “What?”

   Her eyes lifted to mine and realization seemed to pass over her face. “Oh, right. You're new. Completely new. Don't worry, tomorrow at Assembly everything will make more sense.”

    I sure hoped she was right because at that moment I was confused as hell.  Assembly was at eight thirty in the morning, which normally would be fine, but I was messed up with the time difference. I missed breakfast, but I had some gushers in my purse that I quickly consumed. Unlike the night before I didn't want to wander my way to Assembly and miss being late so I went with Tilly whose pony tail was definitely hair sprayed and barely moved.

   We found seats in the back which surprised me because Tilly seemed more like a front row Teacher's Pet kind of girl.  However, I did not complain as I slid into my seat and looked around.

   The room was actually an auditorium, it looked like it could seat at least five hundred people, though there was definitely not that many people. There was stage where two tables sat with eight people sitting behind them. One person was at the microphone. It was a large, tall man wearing a very sharp suit. In fact, everyone sitting at the tables seemed to be dressed really well.

   I looked down at my clothing, which was a pair of skinny jeans and a white and black striped shirt. I wasn't slumming it, but I also wasn't tea with the Queen. I shot a glance around the auditorium just to check out everyone else, but they all seemed to be dressed pretty normal was well.

   “Hello, and welcome everyone to Sudbrink Academy!” The man at the microphone's voice boomed throughout the auditorium. Everyone's head swiveled to the stage and a hush fell over the room.

   “Most of you are returns, but we do have a few new students joining us. Six to be exact, and I just want to personally welcome you. I am the Head of Council, Dr. Jansen.  After Assembly all six of you will join me in my office, for a more in depth briefing.” 

  Tilly grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze, giving me an excited smile. I forced a smile back as I yanked my arm back, frowning as soon as she looked away.

    “For everyone else, we are glad you decided to come back and learn another year with us. It is important to always learn and perfect your craft and here at Sudbrink you are learning from the best. As usual protocol, all traveling must be approved by a member of the board only, no exceptions. We do not want any trouble. Now, I would like our newest students to join me in my office, while everyone else, please give your full attention to Professor Lin.”

   I hesitated for a moment. I was not really in the mood to stand and draw attention to myself, but I had a feeling if I didn't get up, Tilly would do something, so I eventually stood and followed two other kids that were leaving the auditorium.

   None of us said anything as we followed Dr. Jansen to his office. As we were walking  I counted in my head and only came up with five of us. I wondered where the other student was, though the thought quickly passed when Dr. Jansen called me to his office first.

   “Kinsley Bennett.”  It must have been alphabetical.

   Once we were seated in his office he began. “I am so glad you could join us Kinsley.”

   “Thanks for having me... I just have a few questions-” I started, but he held up a hand to stop me. I shut my mouth, irritated, but I wasn't about to make a fuss. I was here on scholarship; I could be shipped home at any moment. And no matter how weird this was, I just got here and I did not want to leave just yet.  

 “I'm sure you have lots of questions, Miss Bennett, and I am hoping I can answer them. I am going to just go ahead and tell you why you are here. A couple of years ago we took notice of  you. We could sense a Traveling, but it was never constant so it took us a while to find you, but when we did we knew you had to be here. Had to be trained.

  Miss Bennett, you are what we call, a Traveler.” He took a pause here as if he was waiting for a reaction. I felt void of all emotion. What the hell was he talking about? I was really stuck on the whole, they had been watching me a while thing. 

   “What?” I finally said, because it did not seem like he was going to go on until I expressed interest in what he was saying.

    “You are a Traveler. You Travel.” Again he paused. I think he was getting some weird sense of joy from my utter lack of understanding.

   “Um, no, I stay at home and watch tv. This is the first time I've even been out of my hometown.”

    He laughed then and I narrowed my eyes. “No, no, my dear girl. Travel as in, time. And space. And parallels.”

     I knew it. I knew this whole scholarship thing was a scam. This was some kind of cult, or a big kidnapping scheme. I stood up, ready to flee.

    Dr. Jansen did not really seem all that fazed. “Miss Bennett, do please sit. I understand you may be experiencing confusion, but let me explain further. “  

  Again he waited for me. He was not going to speak until I sat, and I small part of me wanted to know how he was going to explain away all the bat shit crazy he just spewed. So I sat.

    “Miss Bennett, have you ever been somewhere, maybe alone, maybe with a group of people, and then all of a sudden you are not where you once were? Have you ever been in one place, and then it seemed to fade away and then you were in another? Have you ever felt like, you were being erased from right now?”

    My mouth became dry as he spoke. It was like he had sat in on my therapy sessions. My therapist was the only person I had every told any of that to. So unless he had some how gotten a hold of her and tortured confidential information out of her then...  Then what, I wasn't sure. But it was something. It had to mean something.

    “I have never traveled through time, or space or whatever.” I finally said,  and just saying that out loud made me feel like an idiot.

    “No, you are right about that, but that is only because you don't know how. It's in your blood, your body knows what it was meant to do, but your mind has been hesitant. Here at Sudbrink Academy we will teach you all you need to know about Traveling.”

    He seemed to earnest and sincere, but like, weren't cult leaders like that? And Tilly...  

  “So... everyone here can time travel?” I asked.

   He nodded. “Yes, everyone who teaches and attends this school is a Traveler. For many people this is home. I am not sure if you noticed but we have people of many different ages here. Travelers are all family.”

    I had not noticed the age difference thing, but I didn't really pay that much attention to the people. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the money to go home,and no outdoor survival instincts to be heard of so I couldn't just run away. 

And what if...    What if he was telling the truth?    I know it sounded crazy but it would explain a couple of things. It would definitely explain the feeling I had of not being all quite here.  Then, without another thought, I decided to believe him. To trust him. 

   “So... I'm a Traveler.” 

   As if he could hear my decision in my voice he nodded and smiled. “Yes, Miss Kinsley. I know you may have a plethora of questions, but that is what this school is for. To learn more about yourself. Now, unless you have any supremely pressing needs, I will need to speak to the next new student.”

    I thought for a moment. What qualified as a supremely pressing need? “Um, I guess not.” I stood and he did as well and shook my hand. He opened the door for me and I exited, letting the next person go in. 

   Once in the hall a smartly dressed man who sat at a desk (he looked like a secretary?), called my name. I walked over to him and he handed me a folder with my name on it. I took it and opened it, leafing through the pages. 

   “That holds your schedule for this first semester and some basic rules to follow and a brief history.” He said this all kind of monotone, like he did it all the time and was sick of it.  

  “Thanks.” I said as I walked away. I took out some stapled papers that read: Schedule, on the front. I read the first page and realized that school didn't technically start till tomorrow. I was relieved. I still wanted to wrap my mind around all of this crazy, and read the rules and history. The history for sure, maybe it would help everything make more sense. 

[maiassensibleblog]

Why I keep coming back to Cursed Child.

When acquaintances in my personal or work life ask me how many times I’ve seen Harry Potter and the Cursed Child I always lie. I assess the situation and give them a number between 5 and 10 depending on how professional I need to look to them and even with that I usually get a negative (or at least confused) reaction. It certainly isn’t worth being honest about to anyone who doesn’t want to begin to understand why.

I’ve seen Cursed Child somewhere around 45 times since June 25th 2016. I am aware that this is a lot. Yes, I am obsessed. I’ve always been all or nothing when it comes to being a fan (something I’ve written about here) and this was no different. 

The first time I saw the play, I felt a bit like I was going to explode. I went with a total stranger and the excitement was unreal. It was the first time I had gone to the theatre alone and experienced a whole day (in an unprofessional capacity) without anyone I knew being there. This social confidence is one of the greatest gifts the play has given me. 

I immediately got caught up in the hype and have the most blurry, joyful photos from my first experience at stage door. Over the coming months I learnt how to regularly get tickets and surrounded myself with friends who were equally obsessed with the play.

There are a number of reasons why I’ve kept coming back on average 3 times a month over the past year. Firstly, the way I relate to some of the characters has been incredibly therapeutic. When I first saw Cursed Child I felt an instant connection to Hermione, who I had adored for many years. The fact that she was a WOC gave me something I never thought I would see: actual representation (more on this here). My feelings about Hermione have evolved over the year, as I’ve seen different interpretations of her and had in depth conversations about her with friends. She is a truly great role model, but she is also incredibly flawed and that’s something I’ve been able to learn from. When I started watching the play, I was at the top of my professional game and I knew it. Watching Hermione deal with serious problems has helped me cope with making the many mistakes I’ve made and that is something I will take will me through my career. 

I’ve also realised that a lot of issues that Albus is dealing with are things that I left behind in my teenage years having never dealt with them properly. I’d never really noticed that I was carrying around the same emotional baggage that he was about my own dad and having people to talk to about this and be able to thank the actors and writers for giving this to me has taken a big weight off my shoulders and I’m starting to be able to move on from it. My experience of this play is incredibly personal and it has taken going back again and again to work through that. 

Another thing that only regulars are able to experience is that every performance is different. It isn’t the same as watching a film 45 times. The actors have some flexibility to play with the characters and their decisions in certain shows resonate with me in different ways. As well as that, we get to experience different interpretations of the roles we love so much with different casts and covers. I’ve had my favorites and both casts; people whose performances have rocked my world. 

A couple of covers have really stood out to me: I loved the way Annabel made Delphi so multidimensional, to the point where I felt compassion for her, from her first performances and felt genuine pride when it was announced that she would play her full time this year (I loved her so much that I paid £140 for I5 to see her for the second time. No regrets). Second, James LL’s Scorpius did something to me that I’ve not been fully able to explain but I did a lot of crying in scenes nobody else has made me emotional during. The importance of covers to my experience of the play has been particularly poignant this year, as Gideon’s Harry has really started tying together the reasons the play means so much to me. I sat in my seat, the penny dropped, and I proceeded to cry for 6 hours. 

Something else incredibly important to me is the fact that my social life has gone off the charts since I’ve been going to Cursed Child and I’ve learnt a lot about how to deal with challenging social situations. I was by no means lonely before but as an adult it is difficult to find new friends and I have definitely found some good ones! I have moved in and out of groups over the course of the play running. I feel like I watched this fandom grow around me and I am generally very proud of what has been created.

There is something amazing about walking into the theatre and seeing familiar faces and being able to freak out between parts with them. I love checking my phone after a few difficult hours at work and seeing it filled with messages about magic. You all make my world brighter. 

My beautiful BOJ girls have made the lowest moments of the fandom something beautiful. I will always be grateful of the games we made up to deal with subtweets and the reassurance we gave each other to prove that everything was great, the cast were not irritated and we should keep doing what we were doing. The three of you are incredible, talented, generous souls that I’m excited to do life with. 

I am also so happy to have people to talk about creative stuff with. It is a really big deal to me to be told that writing is not a waste of time and that I should be analysing the theatre I see and reading fiction in my evenings off. I am generally feeling fulfilled. And I’m so proud of what my new friends are achieving in creative fields. 

When I first sat down in the grand circle on June 25th 2016 I didn’t imagine that I would fall in love with a girl who I met at stage door on a cold evening the January after. This isn’t the place for me to share all the details of Manon and I’s relationship but Cursed Child has not only brought us together, but given us the confidence to be very “out” and given us the tools to deal with the inevitable difficulties that we’re going to face in an LGBT relationship. I’ve spoken more about why I think scorbus is important for young LGBTQ+ people here (but not for me personally). The way that I interpret the story shows two teenagers on the brink of the lightbulb moment that I had around their age (which, incidentally, I’ve also written about here). This was representation that I wasn’t expecting to see from this play but the scorbus fanfiction that I’ve read (and written) has validated my experience of coming out. Nothing has been perfect but it has all been worth it. And now I get to date my perfect Slytherin and love somebody that I can actually see a future with which less than 5 years ago felt like an impossibility. Someday, I am going to take her backstage and we will stand on those stairs and “fix” act 4, scene 14 to tell our story and we will cry about how much this show has given us and how in love we are.

Finally, from frantically trying to get tickets, to meeting up between parts, to pouring my heart out at stage door are great fun. There is nothing better than having a hard week at work and knowing I have Cursed Child on a Thursday and Friday evening, getting to hang out with some of my favourite people and see something that means so much to me. 

I am so grateful that I’ve had this play to set me off into the new phase of my life as a more confident, happy young adult. 

[onychaos]

A long rant / vent. (2017)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69fABjgxtXw

This is pretty serious / dark of a rant, it’s not aim at anyone. Take this rant / vent with a grain of salt. I been wanting to say this for a while, normally, I would add some type of pictures that would be a meme but not today..

As you read this, this was the result of my mental breakdown and depression, paired with stress and low sanity with a lack of sleep or unable to sleep.

What the fuck happened to our generation of people? What the fuck happened to us as a whole? Where are the days where we had thick skin? Or where did the days go where sharing one’s opinion would be eye opening in a good way?

When did our generation become so twisted and messed up? We take a step forward to only to take 3 steps back? Or when did drama stop being the only means to end a friendship or start dumb shit?

How did we get here? Are we doomed to just fall from grace? I feel like everything we do is hopeless...It’s funny.. The thought of me being a pessimist is funny, I’m such a “optimist” I feel like such a joke. I guess I had to take off my rose colored glasses at some point..

I feel like everything I do blows up in my face non-stop, it’s almost perfect... I’m damn if I do or don’t. I want to make friends but I hate getting fucked over. Everytime I want to mean well, life laughs in my face and it backfires.

Maybe, I am better off not caring about anyone but that will just make me a cold hearted bastard. This is a generation I can’t win? How can I win being myself? Maybe everything I have done up to this point has been a GOD DAMN LIE!

I put myself last as my friends come first to me and that always blows up in my face, that is great. I just don’t know anymore. ANYTHING can end a “friendship” It’s like walking on a minefield and I don’t get it..I just don’t get it anymore..I really don’t and it’s depressing as all hell..

What can I even do? I feel like being myself or being me is good and only good for getting me in trouble with anyone, and I really do feel like being “ME” is not worth it.. Do I just wear a fake smile to keep people happy? The answer would seem to be yes.

I feel like the point of things I did is gone. What is the point of doing things if it will push people away. I feel like leaving social media as a whole would be for the best at this point.

It really does feel pointless cause it will just happen again, I am just doomed to upset people and that is a fact....I will end up doing something and watching it blow up in my face..

I could rant or vent on twitter and be open book about my true feelings and be blunt, but all that will do is annoy people and hurt them and just stress me the fuck out again.

I could share my thoughts but that is going to do is cause me more problems and stress but stress is always great...Oh wait, it’s not

I feel like no matter what I do, say or try. Something ALWAYS GOES WRONG, IT ALWAYS GOES WRONG. It would be funny if something could go right...But I am too hopeful. I could try my best to not hurt someone but still end up hurting someone..

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don’t. To be honest, there is no halfway here. I will say it again. What the hell happened to this generation? Drama was the only means of losing friends back then.

But now having a different opinions, ranting, overthinking something or anything really is enough to lose friends or start shit these days and it’s sad to know that it now takes almost no effort to lose a friend.

And I lost more friends before in the past and it’s great to know that it’s simple to lose friends by being yourself but it’s not great and it fucking sucks..

And that hurts the most that knowing I could hurt someone by ranting or being “myself” I can push someone away cause of that.

Before anyone says “This is life, get out of your bubble.” I guess this is my wake up call for me to see this world in a negative light. What can I even say or do without upsetting someone, I don’t fucking know..I just don’t know but I’m ready to give up.

I feel like the only haven left where I can’t hurt anyone or upset anyone with me around is tumblr.. But that won’t last. I’m just stressed and depressed. If you want to talk to me I think it’s best for me to stay away from Social media for the time being.

If you are reading this on Twitter. Don’t do anything on my behalf. But don’t expect me back on Twitter or Twitch or Discord for a while. I am sorry that I have been like this. I just think this is a better option to stay away.

After my mental break, I’m in a really bad place. I don’t know how stable I am at the moment or if I am “stable”, so, Social media would be a very bad idea.

NO, I’m not playing victim. I have always seen myself as a failure and a fuck up but I hide my emotions from everyone, which is why you think I am a “Nice guy” or a “asshole”

But, you know I tend to fuck up. But that’s me. I am just lost but I doubt you care but that’s ok. I’m not worth the time anyway. I wish this was a bad dream I could wake up from, but it’s not. It’s life, and with life, you never know what you do could upset someone or hurt someone till it’s too late.

And I was really on edge, the fact I had no sleep for these past days, since I couldn’t sleep anymore and being stressed out to the breaking point didn’t help

Sigh, now in to darker parts of my mind.

I would see normally see a silver lining in this mess I made, but I don’t see any silver lining here. If no one is mad, great but I am still a fuck up. A failure who ends up saying dumb shit. My rants are worthless, My thoughts are stupid, like me. I love being called a great friend... I am no great friend. I’m a piece of shit.

I am like the “Daisy Trash” meme, I am trash and I should be in trash.. I don’t get why you call me a friend or a good friend or follow me..I’m not normal like most, why bother with me, to be honest. You are wasting your time. I’m not normal, I’m not original, I’m not even funny or fun.

I’m dull and boring. I’m weird, I don’t do anything special, i’m just a nobody.. If I get back on Twitter, I will just lose another friend or come close to losing a friend or upset someone else and will just show how much of a failure I really am.. I don’t know why keep trying at this point, I should delete everything but I won’t. Holding on to what little of sanity I have left, is keeping me from deleting everything and it’s keeping me from doing something stupid.

Maybe I should just be a emotionless person with a fake smile, I am sure that will make things better and make people happy, if people are happy then that’s what matters to me.

Friends say I should tell them my problems, would that really do anything? No, It would only make their day a little worst or it would make some worry for no reason and I can’t have that. But I’m just being a pessimist about that. And maybe open up to those I trust.

Maybe...Just maybe, I could “win” by not being myself, I am so tired of things blowing up in my face but being emotionless then I can no longer upset anyone or hurt friends anymore.

When the hell did subtweeting become a new means to losing a friend or upsetting anyone..? People sub tweet all the time and they stay friends afterwards. Maybe, I am better off making a new protected account, this way, I can’t hurt anyone or friends with my worthless rants and dumb thoughts or my bad opinions.

But I can’t do anything right and I guess that’s why I don’t want to make friends cause I know when I open up to them and be the real “me”, it will push them away or upset them or I end up hurting those I care and then they are gone, like they were never here..

I seen comments like “They are not good friends” They are good friends..I’m the problem here. Me, not them. I am just unlucky one here.

You could rant about me or vent about me or even sub tweet about me and the most I would do is feel annoyed but I wouldn’t choose to end my friendship over that cause real friends wouldn’t let petty words bother them to such a way that it ends a friendship.. But maybe that is some made up fantasy I dream of everyday....

Which I look, just like my fantasy, I don’t fit in nowhere. Twitter, Twitch, Discord, Facebook. If I was somewhat normal, then I could fit in but that feels like a nightmare. I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s a nagging feeling that bothers me, no matter where I go on social media.

I always push those away when I be myself, do I fit in this world? No, not really. Each year that comes, I lose friends or best friends and people say “it’s their loss”, but it’s mine loss in the end of the day. They come and then go, nothing I can do but just sit by and watch.. It’s going to happen, everyone is going to go, sooner or later, and it will be my fault. I will be the reason they leave. And I will be all alone, a failure needs- No, a failure has no friends, a failure like me deserves to die alone and be forgotten.

When the day come where people can fit in anywhere, share their opinions without worry of starting fights or drama. Hell, being able to share their thoughts or even rant or vent about others without fear of losing one dear to them because they didn’t have thick skin

A place where I could even fit in. A place where there is no drama over having complete different opinions, where sub tweeting would be there as a means to vent or rant.

A world where those who are famous will put their friends first and not last.. Where friends are no longer seen as tools but as people or human beings among other people that all have a purpose in this life.

A place where we don’t get tossed under the bus and forgotten like trash,

Maybe one day, we can grow thick skin and no longer just take things at face value, be able to have longer lasting friendships... But no such place exist and it WILL never exist. It’s one dream that will never come true no matter how much you wish for it. It’s false hope like being a optimist, you’re only lying to yourself... Like I been doing my whole life as being a optimist.. I thought being a optimist would make life better for me but it was a beautiful lie, at the very least..

Well, I will see how things play out, I don’t see anything good happening anytime soon. Assuming I don’t delete anything in the time frame. I just need time to think what I want to do and time alone.

I’m not mad at anyone, I am just mad at myself. I hate myself for being trash and useless and I’m a failure to my friends and girlfriend and a insensitive idiot..

I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart to anyone I hurt deeply or upset anyone and for the things I said and done. You won’t see me for a while on any social sites till I am stable enough... I guess I was never ok, putting on a mask and smiling helps make the pain go away, only for so long..

Don’t worry, I’m alive but I’m “meh”, if anyone asks. Like I said before...Just thinking what I want to do with my life when I feel somewhat better and mentally stable again.

So, in the time being, you won’t find me online anywhere, don’t bother or worry yourself. During this time, I’m focusing on getting better and learning game development and taking a break from twitter / social was much needed. Give me a week, I should be mentally stable by then, if not, then, more time may be needed.

If I post this, then 3 or 4 days have passed since. Meaning, what you see may not be the current. Or may be outdated. But think of a status update. This will be the only time you will ever see what’s truly on my mind, or if I have another mental breakdown..

My breakdown has ended, I am in a “better” state of mind, but I am still too unable for the time being. Still depressed to some point but working on it.

I should make this clear, I’m not looking for sympathy by posting this, The stuff I done and say earns me no sympathy in any way, shape or form.

I can only hope that this won’t get taken at face value or misinterpret. I stand by everything I said. I am trash. And I’m sorry again. I fear that this will bring me more trouble then wanted, I can only assume the best here. right?

I will answer all DMs / Discord pms and messages when I get back to my stable self. (If there is any)

Now, goodbye, from the edgelord. Take care and be safe all.

[csprousedaily]

Cole Sprouse Opens Up About Growing Up in the Public Eye.

Cole Sprouse once left his Disney mouse ears behind for a cap and gown, but he's recently pulled on another famous hat—or, should we say, crown beanie? Sprouse returned to the small screen this year as the lovably brooding Jughead Jones on Riverdale, the CW's twisted take on the beloved Archie comics.

If you haven't heard of the Gossip Girl–meets–Twin Peaks hit, you're probably the only one. Since its premiere in January, it's become a cult favorite. If he were any other member of the cast, Sprouse might be overwhelmed with the fame and recognition. But he's been here before.

We talked to the 24-year-old about life as a child star with his twin brother, Dylan, weird fan interactions, feminism, and those divisive Riverdale ships.

A lot of the Disney cohort went on to major acting careers and projects right away—what made you choose to go to college and take a different route?

I think regardless of success, all those kids were dealing with a similar dilemma when it came to their maturity and their publicity and fame, and how they were viewed in the public eye. Some people choose sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll to come to terms with it. Some people find religion. [College] seemed like the most productive way to prove to people we were coming into ourselves. I was finding out my identity and growing by going to an institution where I could evolve and become more adept at understanding why I was thinking certain things, and how society viewed me.

Acting requires a great amount of empathy for real lived human experiences. I hadn't lived any real human experiences outside of homeschool and being in a sound stage, and there was really no other option. I couldn't continue to live in a bubble and hope to be an empathic actor. It doesn't work. I was really sick of the entertainment industry and wanted to step away. Dylan and I were nonstop—we were being recognized and it was overbearing, and I figured it would be nice to let that dissolve. I didn't know if I was going to return, and then this project sort of crept up.

Are you enjoying it now that you're back?

Yeah, it's fulfilling, and I think that's the only currency I am looking for right now. As long as it stays fulfilling, I will continue doing it, but the second it stops being fulfilling I'll leave.

What does your brother think of 'Riverdale'?

He supports the show…. I don't know if he enjoys it. This kind of programming has never really been our flavor of choice. I don't really want him to watch anything I do and I don't really watch anything he'll do. We have a very easy time separating work and play and I wouldn't really care less if he watched or if he enjoyed it. I don't really have an easy time watching myself, so I guess I sort of imprint that upon my friends and family.

Originally, you you argued to keep Jughead asexual and aromantic, as he is in the comics. What did those conversations sound like?

When we got the parts, the creative team sat down with the actors and asked how they saw each character. I had argued for a super faithful representation of Jughead as he lives in the comics, which inherently was also me arguing for the aromantic, asexual Jughead. But [they] are two very different versions of the same character in two very different universes.

It's very strange to me how much attention this [has received]. I am an actor. I have an idea of what I see for the character and I can express that idea and that opinion, but ultimately it is out of my hands. If this were a different kind of programming or it were my show, it would probably look a little bit different, but the commercial success of Riverdale and how people are talking and liking it shows that we've gone in a direction that makes a lot of sense and works.

It's one of those things that needs representation but has not been properly represented. It's something I still fight for and it's something I fought for about the second season, but ultimately it's not in my court. I guess we will see where the narrative takes us.

On a lighter note, once and for all, because the internet can't agree, is the Jughead/Betty ship called Jetty or Bughead?

[Laughs] I think it's Bughead. It's the single strangest name for a coupling ever, but it works.

There seem to be two main Riverdale fan ships: Bughead and Beronica (Betty/Veronica). Which one are you behind?

I actually really ship Betty and Archie. When I would read the Archie comics when I was younger I was rooting for Betty and Archie way over any alternative. [I think I would have seen] that long-lived, childlike romance from two people knowing each other since youth as probably quite romantic. I am a sucker for that childhood romance narrative.

I know our fans take very specific camps with who they ship and who they want and all those camps are at huge war with one another. Riverdale is about to ignite into flames considering how the camps are at war with each other. I try not to involve myself too much.

I am sorry I just brought you into it.

[Laughs] Well, the question we get all the time as a cast is, 'Are you a Betty or Veronica person?' I don't like that. I think it's hard and it also puts the cast members against one another in a strange and competitive way that makes me a little uncomfortable. So most of our cast don't even answer it.

How did your fan-catcher Instagram account @Camera_Duels get started? Are you ever going to bring it back?

I was younger and just about to go to college, and very discontented with the way people were treating me in the public sphere. Sometimes you can read someone's aura and actions—they're shifting and fidgeting, and they're fumbling for the phone. It's a dehumanizing, very obvious kind of thing.

I would always be dissatisfied that people wouldn't just ask, because I always say yes. So @camera_duels was born. It was a way of coping or trying to turn it around in my favor and give me more agency in a situation. I felt sort of like a man behind a glass wall. It ended up really helping me, so much that I stopped. I found the whole thing not to really disturb me anymore.

I am sure with Riverdale increasing ever so slowly in prestige, it will only increase in intensity and I'll bring it back. But I think it deserves something a little bit more now. I've been thinking about getting a film camera with a quick auto focus and a nice flash to make it into something that could be found in a gallery space, which I think would be more enjoyable to me.

You recently subtweeted yourself, over a comment you made as an 11-year-old, where you said you like girls who don't wear too much makeup. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

There is no question I consider myself a feminist, but I also think the term 'feminist' has become a topical thing to say without backing it up with any real action. My satirical tweet about my old opinion doesn't solidify me as a figure within a conversation that's so much greater than my straight, white male opinion. My Twitter is a joke toilet and I filter all these old, cringe-y parts of my brother and my childhood through that, in an attempt to flush it down the drain forever. When you grow older, you unpack the way masculinity teaches you to view women.

Going back to the question of whether I am a feminist or not: Yes. I think the core of that question is do you support equality for women, and of course. It's funny that it even becomes a touchy or sensitive thing for people to announce formally, it's kind of fucking ludicrous. There is not a question in my mind. There are, of course, places and spheres where I wish I would have done more to make those actions back up the title, but I think that's something that as I grow and I age and I get a little more agency within my society, I'll always try and work towards that.

[kane-and-griffin]

I'm really sad about something I don't understand and was hoping you could explain. Why do people block without giving a reason to? I don't why it first seems like it's all going so well then the next you're blocked and you don't know why or what you did or said wrong? It's happened twice now and to say it hurts is an understatement.

Oh, my precious Kabby babies.  Circle up, it’s time for some firm butgentle life advice from Mom. 

First of all, unless I personally am the person who blocked you (whichI’m obviously not since we’re having this conversation!), in a very real sensethe short answer to this question is that you know I can’t actually answer thisquestion.  You’re asking me to tell youwhy a person I don’t know did a thing for which I have no context, and forwhich there could be a thousand reasons. So in a concrete, specific sense, my answer is: I do not know.

However.

(You knew there was going to be a however.)

Social media is a deeply personal avenue for self-expression and it’s also aworld where many of us spend a great deal of our time, which means that we havethe full and free right to customize it into exactly what we want it tobe.  The things that you post are personal reflections of you, which is  why it bums you out when someone mutes or blocks or doesn’t followback; it feels on some level like a personalrejection.  But the space you curate is also a personal reflection of you.  You have the rightto post anything you want and other people have the right to choose not to seeit.  Both of those rights are equal, eventhough you’re only on one side so naturally the other one feels like it’s insome way “wrong.”  

I’m speaking with zero context for what your preexisting relationship withthese people was beforehand (like obviously if it was a close friend and theyblocked you out of nowhere, you’re going to have to sort that out with themdirectly, I can’t advise you there), but it’s important to remember that theremay be no “right” and wrong” in this scenario.  It’s fully possible forboth of these things to peacefully coexist at the same time:

1) your absolute right to feel a little bit rejected and hurt that astranger on the internet made the choice that they didn’t want your socialmedia sphere to overlap with their social media sphere,

and

2) that other person’s absolute right to say “if something or someone makesme feel even the tiniest bit ‘nope’ I am purging it out of this space so it isexactly what I want and need it to be.” 

They don’t need to have a reason.  That sucks, when you’re on the receiving end of it, which all of us have been - it truly and genuinely sucks - but it’s also reality.  One of the hard truths that incidents like this make us sometimes have toface - and we don’t want to face these things, because they can feel reallyicky and vulnerable and ping all the little gremlins in our brain  - is this:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

This sounds mean and brutal, and I don’t mean it to be, because you know mom loves you, but it’s incrediblyimportant, so I’m going to say it again to make sure that if nothing else, thisgets through:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention foranything you do or say.

The celebs you stan don’t owe you a response to your tweet, justbecause you want one.  The people you tag in meta don’t owe you rebloggingit to continue having that conversation with you forever, just because you wantto prove you’re right.  The fans of the fic you write for your mostpopular ship don’t owe you crossing over to give you hits on yourrare-pair fic if they don’t feel like it.  Nobody owes you a certainnumber of followers, nobody owes you a response to every anon you send them,nobody owes you finishing that fic you like in time for them to read it whenthey feel like reading it.  We owe each other one thing and one thingonly: basic human decency.  That’s it.  Everything else is freelyoffered to the world, and freely taken by the people who want it.  It’snot a transactional exchange.  If you make art or write fic and you put itout there into the world, you’ve done a cool thing, and whether it gets tenhits or thousands it was still worth doing.  There will be people whoaren’t interested, but if you get hung up on feeling rejected by that, it willparalyze you.

Social media is personal. That’s unavoidable.  It’s an extension of ourselves.  When someone is cruel to you or to one ofyour friends on the internet, even if it’s an anonymous stranger, it feelsshitty.  When you express an opinionabout something and a ton of people reblog it and the tags are full of “OMG YESTHISSSSS”, it feels great.  We all experiencethat in different ways.  Society has always selected arbitrary measures for young girls and women tolive up to in order to feel like they’re popular or they’re approved by thecool kids, and right now it’s things like “how many followers do you have” and “didyou get an RT from a celebrity” and “how many likes on your posts”.  So ona primal level, maybe having someone you thought was a friend block you on Twitter or Tumblr hits you in the same deep coreplace as having the cool kids not come to your birthday party.  That feeling is super real!  It brings upalllllll that deep stuff we try to hide and pretend that we’re aboveexperiencing, but we all have those squishy vulnerable inner selves that justneed the cool kids to like us and we feel bad when they don’t.  

I had this exact conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago when she wasgiving me a hard time because my book has 60 reviews on Amazon, of which likethe majority are 5 stars with two negative ones, and I have both the negativeones like memorized.  And she was like “CLAIRE.  WHAT THE HELL.  WHY DO YOU DO THIS?  58 POSITIVE AND YOU CANNOT QUOTE A SINGLEONE.  TWO SHITTY ONES AND YOU KNOW THEMVERBATIM.  THAT IS NOT HEALTHY BEHAVIOR.”  And I was like “… . okay fine when youput it that way, yes I do sound like a crazy person.”  So like my advice to you – advice which I havejust proven I am absolute garbage at taking myself, so like I may have justeroded my own credibility in my efforts to help – is to remember that you probablyhave a lot more than two followers so honestly this is probably not a badcollective ratio, and there may be lots of people who are very interested inwhat you have to say but you’ve focused a lot of your energy on these two people andit’s worth giving some thought as to why that is.

My question for you is this: what is the net negative impact of having thesetwo people block you on social media? Like in an actual, concrete way, separate from those sort of core gut “Ifeel unloved in this moment” feelings, what is the effect on your life?  You might be surprised.  It might be zero.  In which case, let yourself feel thosefeelings, experience them as valid, and then breathe through them and move onand keep on doin’ you. 

I’m pushing backon you a little bit here very gently because it feels, reading this anon, likeyou’ve made a determination of hurtful intent on the part of the person whoblocked you, or at the very least a certainty that this choice that made wasabout you and not about them.  That the fact that things seemed to be going fine and then they blocked you means you were somehow intentionally misled or mistreated.  Be really, really, really carefulabout deciding the cool girl didn’t come to your birthday party because she’s abitch who wanted to make you feel terrible and is sitting somewhere cackling atthe thought of your sad lil’ face waiting by the front door; maybe she didn’tcome to your birthday party because she has depression and it’s hard for her toleave the house sometimes and she knew your party would be loud and wild and crazyand too much for her brain to handle right now. Be careful about presuming negative intent with no proof it exists.  The internet makes this so easy, the internetconditions us for this, and itconditions us to respond in kind. The worst thing you could do here is to, like,make a callout post or subtweet in the hopes that it will get back to them andthey’ll feel bad, or to sic your other followers onto them, because that turnsthis into a situation that really doeshave a right and wrong; and since you don’t know if they were trying to makeyou feel shitty, or just went on a big block/mute purge to whittle their listdown for mental health reasons that are totally their own, once things escalateyou can’t put the horse back in the barn. It’s too late.  Now it’s A Thing,when maybe it never really needed to be A Thing.  And in almost all situations for almost allpeople in almost all ways, Kabby Mom’s advice is going to be, “please thinkcarefully before you make this A Thing.”

This got long, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about theconversations I’m always having with fandom folks the way we let social mediapermeate and shape our sense of self, in good ways and bad, so I apologize formy verbosity but also not really because that’s how things roll over in KabbyMom’s Advice Corner.  But I will sum upin bullet points for those of you who have been skimming, to bring you up tospeed:

Everyone has the right to curate their own social media spacehowever they see fit, and they don’t have to explain their reasons.

They aren’t obligated to include you in that space even if you want themto.

None of that is an objective measure of your worth as a person or a signthat you should stop being you on the internet.

Your feelings of rejection come from a real place and you get to feelthem, as long as

You are striving to move through them without permitting them to paralyzeyou, and finally

You never use someone else’s choice to curate their social media sphere as ajustification for treating them like crap.

Focus on your positive interactions instead of negative ones – your friends,creating stuff and putting it out into the universe – whether it be art, fic,opinions, a podcast, gifsets, crackposts, whatever – and your social mediaworld will be a better place.

In the immortal words of the great Michael J. Fox, “What other people thinkof me is none of my business.”

[purplesurveys]

90

[Pause: Currently] What style is your hair in? 
It’s starting to become really hot in the afternoon so I’ve put it in a ponytail.

What’re you wearing? 
My outfit yesterday, a turtleneck and shorts. I’m too lazy to change.

What’s the weather like outside? 
No wind, just sun. It’s making me miserable. GIVE ME RAIN.

What time is it? 
2:23 PM as of this typing.

Who, if anyone, is in the room with you? 
I’m alone right now. Not my choice, but that’s what I’m stuck with.

What’s on your mind? 
That I have a midterm on Tuesday and should really get to studying now lol

What make-up, if any, are you wearing? 
I’ve stopped wearing makeup regularly. Come to think of it, I only really got into makeup because I wanted to look pretty in front of my ex…then I was able to ask her out again and eventually got too lazy to put in effort to use makeup anymore.

What month is it? 
It’s March! …and getting so much closer to the end of the semester. I’m excited.

[Fast Forward: Future] What career do you want? 
I want something that wouldn’t give me the draining feeling I’ve been getting in school for a while now. I don’t want a prison, that’s all.

What age do you think you’ll get married by? 
I always wanted to get married by the time I reach my late 20’s. I don’t know about that now, though.

What about having kids? 
Still around the same age, ideally. But then again I also always want my money to myself and be able to travel, be independent, and not keep a close eye on a kid 24/7, so I’m a little torn.

What age do you plan on moving out? 
21-22.

Can you see yourself moving away from here and if so, to where? 
Yeah, I’m not completely ignoring a move to another country. It’s possible. But I don’t mind ending up still in the Philippines, albeit in a different city. In the end all I want, honestly, is to cut off ties with my mother.

Do you think you’ll marry your current significant other? 
It’s ridiculously early to ask…for now I’m the one entirely okay about marriage; excited about the idea, even. My girlfriend is rather closed off to it. But I do think it’s way too early to bring up a conversation like that and I’m not going to be sitting her down to talk about it any time soon.

Do you know what the weather is supposed to be like for the rest of the week? 
Not specifically, but I know it’s only going to be warmer from here.

What tattoos and/or piercings do you want in the future? 
I wanted so many tattoos. I wanted to put on my thigh, ankle, wrist, at the back of my neck, my fingers, etc. until watching my mom get tattooed totally destroyed that goal of mine. I turn into a wuss at the general concept of anything piercing my body, so I had to say goodbye to piercings too :c I wanted to get a lip ring so bad.

Do you want any cosmetic surgery sometime down the line, if you had money for it? 
No. Imagine all the pizza I can buy instead.

In ten years, how old will you be and where do you see yourself? 
I’ll be 29 and Gab and I have a lovely little place to call home. We’ll also have a golden retriever we’ve named Theo and hopefully I’m so much happier with life by then.

[Rewind: Past] When’s the last time you took a shower? 
Yesterday.

What was the last text message you sent? 
"I miss you"

What did you do yesterday? 
I went to my one class for Friday running on two hours of sleep because I worked nearly all night for a news report project that I soon found out wasn’t needed until next week, so that fucking bummed me out. I drove to Gabie’s early so I could sleep in my car, then I drove her home where I stayed for a bit. We played games on each other’s phone till the sun set, then decided we wanted to watch a movie. I eventually realized we weren’t going to end up watching anything because we were only critiquing EACH AND EVERY FILM that we skimmed through on her hard drive like the film nerds that we are. We’re pretty great.

How old were you when you first started dating? 
I was 16.

When was the last time you saw your best friend? 
I saw Gab yesterday, and Angela I last saw about three weeks ago, at a friend’s debut.

What was your first word? 
No clue. My parents didn’t care enough to track it.

What’s your earliest memory? 
When I was three, my parents set up a kid’s tent in mine and my sister’s room to do pretend camping. That’s my earliest one and can’t remember anything before that.

Do you remember what you were doing twelve hours ago? 
Passed out in bed. That was 3:04 AM.

Three years ago, did you dress the same way you do now? 
Not really, but it’s not drastically different from what I wear today. 2014 I was obsessed with Audrey Hepburn, so all I ever wore out were little black dresses, summer dresses, skirts, flats, etc. Right now I can’t say my style is super defined because I would wear anything, as long as they match and make me look cute ha.

How old were you when your first younger sibling was born, assuming you’re not the youngest or an only child? 
I was two.

[Eject: Stuff You Wish Didn’t Happen] How did your first serious breakup go? 
A mess. I was so mad and was even made madder by the fact that she didn’t seem to be the least bit sorry for what happened at first. There was zero interaction made up for with endless subtweeting, and it was just silent rage all around. I wrote her a letter some time after expressing everything that was in my heart and head and that seemed to slap all the sense right back to her. We are now dating again though so it’s all goodski HAHAHA

TW// Have you ever had an eating disorder? 
Nope.

TW// Have you ever cut yourself? 
I have, yeah.

TW// Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide? 
Yes, and yes.

What was the last thing you cried about? 
I get triggered by the smallest things, so when I was asked to run errands in a very rushed manner this morning, I comletely lost it and had a good cry in the car.

What’s one thing that’s stressing you out like crazy right now? All the requirements being asked of me by all my classes.

Have you ever had a horrible teacher and/or boss? 
It couldn’t get any worse than my history prof last semester.

The first time you dumped someone, was it hard? 
I’ve never dumped anybody.

[Record: Awesomeness That Deserves to be Recorded on Video Forever] When was the last time you laughed really hard and what was it about? 
Yesterday morning! Gab and I were having breakfast at Jollibee when I started playing with the filters on her Snapchat. We got to the face swapping option and quickly filled the area with our noise because we were laughing sooooo fucking much.

What was the last funny movie you saw? 
No clue. I haven’t seen anything new in months.

The last time you ate something really delicious, what was it? 
A goddamn plate of risotto. IT NEVER FAILS

The last time you got your paycheck, how much was it and were you satisfied with it? 
None of that just yet. Hopefully soon!!!

How exactly did you and your best friend meet? 
Gab in 7th grade, Angela in the 1st.

What was the last compliment you received? 
I was told I smelled nice.

What’s one thing you wish you could relive just for one day? I wish I could replay the night I went to my WWE show, but with better eyeglasses because I saw dirt shit that night.

[Play: From This Moment On] Now that you’re done, what will you do? 
Maybe look for something to eat. Then take another survey.

What’s on your agenda for today? 
Surveys surveys surveys then hopefully get the drive to start studying for my soc sci midterm.

What’s your next meal going to be? I’m not sure. I’m craving for pasta though ;(

Will you change your clothes later in the day? 
Maybe change out of this annoying uncomfortable turtleneck, yeah.

Who do you plan on seeing today? 
My dog.

Are you going to take another survey afterwards? 
Maybe.

Is the weather supposed to stay this way all day or will it change? 
Yup. The sun never goes away here, unfortunately.

Do you have any chores you need to do? 
I did all of them this morning.

Do you have work later in the day? 
Hahahayeahdon'tremindmeplzsurveysaresupposedtobemtgreatescapefromthingsplzplzplz.

What about any homework to do? 
SAME THING

[wp-yahoo-style-1042-yahoopa-blog]

How an Instagram Hashtag Helped One Woman Learn to Love Her Loose Skin

Body-positive blogger Kenzie Brenna has shared an empowering message about learning to love her loose skin. (Photo: Instagram/omgkenzieee)

When you embark on a healthier lifestyle plan, your goal weight is often the main focus. But what about when you get there? Sometimes it’s not just about reaching the magic number on the scale, but about learning to love your new body.

One woman who knows how this feels is actress and vlogger Kenzie Brenna. The body-positive advocate recently took to Instagram to share a picture of the body part she finds the hardest to love following her recent weight loss — her loose skin.

“This is a part of me I’m not changing. Not only do I not have the finances to change this part of my body, I don’t have the emotionality to change it,” she wrote alongside an image of her in a sports bra and underwear.

This is apart of me I'm not changing. ???? Not only do I not have the finances to chance this part of my body, I don't have the emotionality to change it. To actually undergo the surgery I've researched and phoned in about so many times, I can't do it. ❌ I don't blame others for going through it, it's just not something that I can do. I honestly don't even hate this part of me anymore, through #embracethesquish I have found more and more women who help me accept this part of myself. ???? There's nothinggggg to be ashamed of. A body part that doesn't look like the body parts you've seen PLASTERED in the media, doesn't make it wrong. Yes it'll feel wrong to embrace. Yes it's counterintuitive to love yourself as is. Yes there will be moments where you're not fucking good at accepting yourself. And you'll truck through all of them, just like you have with the last x amount of years of yourself. When I get messages from my friends, people from my city, women from other countries, on different continents, within different cultures that tell me I help them love themselves a bit better, I end up loving myself a bit more in the process. GOOD ATTRACTS GOOD. If what you're doing right now DOESNT feel good, STOP. Start doing something that might be a little scary (but may be a little fun) and try something new. Chasing yourself in circles fuelled by dislike, hate, negativity will NOT equal out to a positive, well balanced, harmonious, loving, soothing, body, mind or soul. If could all just embrace the squish a little more maybe we wouldn't be as rigid to ourselves and to others. #selflovebootcamp #selfloveisthebestlove #beyourownhero #beautybeyondsize ????????????????????

A photo posted by Kenzie Brenna (@omgkenzieee) on Jan 30, 2017 at 8:40am PST

Kenzie went on to explain that she took inspiration from the Instagram community built around the hashtag #embracethesquish, which has helped her learn to love her stomach, loose skin and all.

“I honestly don’t even hate this part of me anymore, through #embracethesquish I have found more and more women who help me accept this part of myself,” she explained.

“There’s nothinggggg to be ashamed of. A body part that doesn’t look like the body parts you’ve seen PLASTERED in the media, doesn’t make it wrong,” she continued.

Wow sorta looks like I'm high, sorta looks like I'm sleep, but @rawkavai made the whole pic look so beautiful ???? Before I post something ridiculously long and meaningful and informative, I want to take a second to acknowledge that it's #edawareness week here in Canada. Please try to find space in your hearts for bodies of ALL sizes and recognize that ED's don't discriminate. I always thought because I wasn't thin enough my disorder wasn't REAL ENOUGH. Or I wasn't good enough at it. Or I wasn't doing it right. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. We will say it over and over again for those still in that headspace. ???? It's ???? not ???? true ???? Take a second to reach out to women and men who you know have disordered habits and ask them about their fucking lives, send them a @nedastaff or @the_nedic link, there's a ton of resources out there to help out. Love and light boo's ????✨ #edaw #notachoice #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #selflove

A photo posted by Kenzie Brenna (@omgkenzieee) on Feb 2, 2017 at 6:39am PST

“Yes it’ll feel wrong to embrace. Yes it’s counter-intuitive to love yourself as is. Yes there will be moments where you’re not f****** good at accepting yourself. And you’ll truck through all of them, just like you have with the last x amount of years of yourself.”

Now the actress wants to help encourage others who might be dealing with a similar body image struggle.

“Chasing yourself in circles fueled by dislike, hate, negativity will NOT equal out to a positive, well balanced, harmonious, loving, soothing, body, mind or soul,” she writes.

“If [we] could all just embrace the squish a little more maybe we wouldn’t be as rigid to ourselves and to others.”

Since she shared it, Kenzie’s empowering post has been liked tens of thousands of times and flooded with comments from users saying it has helped them with their own body image insecurities.

“Thank you so much for this post, I was crying about body stuff today and this really helped me,” one wrote.

“I freaking love this. I am so self conscious of my middle. Thank you for sharing and being so authentic,” added another.

Now see! That wasn't very hard! For those of you who don't know, here are the following statistics; 42% of girls in grade 1-3 want to be thinner ???? 78 fucking % of 17 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies ???? "Teenage girls are more afraid of gaining weight then getting, cancer, losing their parents or nuclear war." ???????????? In 2013 the American Medical Association created a policy that really didn't go anywhere, stating that the effects of digitally altering images to impressionable youth were so harmful they cause HEALTH PROBLEMS. HEALTH. PROBLEMS. One more time for those in the back of twitter who subtweet me; HEALTH. PROBLEMS. ???????????? For all you concerned about "health" couldn't this be something you jump on board for?? ???????? If magazines had disclaimers on bodies, it would start looking pretty silly flipping through 99% of the pages with a warning on it. I personally think it needs to happen. PARENTS AND SCHOOLS should and need to be teaching their kids that the bodies they see in the media may not look like theirs. Explaining that one is "whole" body and one is a "processed" body. Similar to what an organic whole food is to processed food. I don't get why this is so difficult to accept or why people battle it. ????‍♀️Okay so you want don't want body diversity in advertisements? Then I'll have disclaimers on every image they alter. ???? And for those of you who HAVENT heard, cellulite is ???? NOT ???? an indication of health, wellness or quality of life. ????‍♀️???? It is the appearance of fat cells. It is a cosmetic issue in OUR culture and it happens to be on 90% of women. ???????????? YOURE COOL. STAY BEAUTIFUL AND LOVING. ???????? #cellulitesaturday #selflovebootcamp #beyourownkindofbeautiful

A photo posted by Kenzie Brenna (@omgkenzieee) on Jan 7, 2017 at 5:40am PST

It isn’t the first time the vlogger has taken to social media to spread some body-positive thoughts. She previously used the #cellulitesaturday hashtag encouraging users to proudly share images of their bodies, cellulite and all.

Let’s keep in touch! Follow Yahoo Beauty on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

[theconfessionsofanoverthinker]

My boyfriend pt 1

Wow, how do I want to start? I want to really get into it so I can have fresh vivid images and feelings and true thoughts and re-encounter how amazing it really was. Oh my gosh I can’t even fully describe what’s going on. I love this kid, I really do have love for him already. I’m going to do my best. Okay do I’ll come back in pt 2 with actual dates and stuff but I’ll jump right into the beginning. I had recently cut off this crazy ass guy that I met on Tinder and I’m like ok fuck it let’s try this again. I was getting so bored I swear tinder was soo ugly I couldn’t even hold conversations with half of those guys. And then I came across Charlie, ugh he was just so adorable. The obvious caught my eye, nice cars, nice eyes, nice hair, nice clothes. And WEED. And he was 21? How could I ask for more? And I had literally fallen for him by the time we matched, I think I waited maybe a day or less before I just shot my shot. I said “sheeeesh” with a few heart eye emojis and he said something like “Look at you”, and I just died. Was it too good to be true already? What was the catch? Fake acc??? Dude I don’t even know, but I was quick to gtfo of Tinder and asked for his snapchat, which went well. He sent me a selfie at one point when talking and all was fine, I really wanted to hang out with him because I suck at replying and I didn’t want to lose this chance and fuck it up by having out convo go dead. I had already told so many people about him too it was so crazy I was really getting my hope up for this guy. I mentioned him to my coworker Christiane, my siblings, Dora! And here I am, dating him??? He’s my man, my boyfriend, he’s mine. But it was a little challenging at first, I wanted to meet up on the weekend but he’s 21 so he was out doing 21 things w his friends of course. He went to ugly ass Darna and the MGM both places I can’t go to smh. Anyways, he’s definitely flirting with me as we’re talking, and I just kept mentioning that we should hang out. I asked him to come over and he actually said yes ?? oh bruh, he pulled up and was v cute. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans, I was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and shorts since we were just cooling it at my house I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I was actually so shook like omg, I went and told my mom that I was having a friend over and then yeah ((((: She was iffy of course, and one of the first things he said was that my room was “comfy” and it’s funny just last night he mentioned that he was relieved that I didn’t smell like basic bitch. Which is basically like VS but I’m on the other boat of basic at Bath and Body works lmaooo, he’ll find out later though. It’s funny because I do want to get into nicer perfumes anyways, so it’s good timing. Continuing, we were drinking Patron as our first drink omg. Only a few shots and they were half shots because he was driving far back home and he had gone to a bar beforehand. It’s crazy because we totally vibed together and I knew we both felt it, like we were feeling each other but at the same time I we could’ve been cool ass friends. And I’m glad that we have a bff feeling relationship, like that’s my mf boyfriend but that my mf mans too. He literally gives me diarrhea of the mouth, and as someone that can never stop talking it’s crazy to think that I could talk anymore than I already do without not being able to breath between words. At the same time my mind gets jumbled up and I lose my train of thought and I don’t know what to say. Some things just jump out and others just take so long to formulate and I second guess it but even when I cross reference stories and get lost Charlie always reminds me what the whole point of the conversation was. Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Good luck Charlie, Charlie and Lola? Charlie is literally so gorgeous, even though he might be wearing colored contacts lmfaoo. And it’s funny bc this other hoe ik wears them so I subtweeted and I wonder if he thinks it’s about him. I love him for appreciating my little butt and my little boobs. See how I keep getting distracted, I can’t even tell our story bc he’s so great and all his little details excite me a lot. Ok so we hung out and he didn’t even kiss me or try to do much but he did flirt with me I think? I couldn’t even tell if he was being friendly or not.  The next time we hung out we drank again, and same thing. It was nice we cooled it but nothing big. As soon as he asked for my number though, I KNEW he was fucking w me. And then I think that it was the 3rd time I copped us coke, and it honestly sucks that my memory is so hazy. Especially with someone that I care about so much and such significant moments, I wish I could remember everything. I wish I could relive it and remember. That’s why this blog is so important to me, I need to remember the good because it seems that only bad and traumatic moments stick to me and cling to my mind. I remember being on my couch and just leaned over and he kissed me and I just exploded. I wish I could remember what I was wearing, what show was on the TV, what time and day it was. I’ll investigate but there’s only so much information I can gather. I don’t want him to know that my mind is burnt as much as it is, I don’t want Charlie to think that something’s wrong with me. And looking back at out 1 month of talking and me falling for him, all I do is talk and talk and I probably seem mildly crazy and self centered. This is not my world, and these people aren’t just living in it. I don’t even know much about him, he’s gonna come over today and I’m going to just ask him everything and stfu. I wish I wasn’t so me, me, me all the fucking time. It’s probably so noticeable and ugly. My fucking baby. I am SO happy he is mine like wow I want him to feel appreciated. I want him to feel good, and I want him to be so happy to be with me and say I’m his girlfriend too. UGH I just missed a good writing opportunity just now while Kukuwa went to lunch. I have a new motivation and yeah it’s to look good for myself but it’s also to look good for my boyfriend, I can only wear so much make up and jewelry. My true looks, frizzy hair, fat stomach, and flat ass will always peek out no matter how I dress it up. I need to work on it, I can’t be out with a cute ass guy like him and not look like a bad ass bitch. So far we’ve been to the movies together, and the fair. But those are separate stories, and this will literally go on forever and ever. I wanted to write every detail I could possibly remember, and I can’t wait to add things to our scrapbook, it’s going to be so lit. He’s motivated me to stay more financially stable so that I can sustain us both, so we can have fun and can continuously have a nice time. I want to go everywhere, I want to go on trips and go see the world and have real adventures with my love. Fall is coming up and we’re going to do the whole sha-bang, I want to go to the pumpkin patch, horror fest at Kings Dominion, I want to dress up as something doesn’t have to match or anything. I want to take corny ass photos, and I REALLY want to carve pumpkins. I want to be able to get naked and let you love me, to embrace me and to kiss me everywhere. I want to be able to feel good and confident in front of my boyfriend. I recently got some new products hopefully they can help with the new scars bumps and the old scars, I feel like it’s going to take forever but I hope it’ll go quick. I need to start taking my vitamins and just take care of myself in general. Going back to Charlie instead of going on and on about my pointless and selfish insecurities, as soon as we kissed I felt myself melt into my underwear. I Felt myself wanting more and more, wanting to just grab him and love him everywhere. Literally the night that I discovered the song “Sleepwalk” by Santo and Johnny was right after we just had our first kiss and the riff at the first 7 seconds of the song just climaxes the same slow and tender way that these feelings hug my insides and gently squeezes my heart with small pools and waves of care and affection. I’m sure there’s a better way to organize those thoughts and feelings but I want it to be true and raw. He is just so pretty, Charlie is soo pretty to me I don’t know what to do. We had an unspoken trust where we gave each other everything. Sometimes I want to rip his face off because hes just so mesmerizing to me. It would super duper suck if he has brown eyes he’d look fine of course but the bragging rights that I have a boo w hazel eyes is veryyy high for me. He told me that he’d be having a oc for a whole week and that I’m invited of course, we’ll see how that goes. I’m not going to lie but the fact that I haven’t met his mom makes me nervous and hurt. What if she doesn’t like me or doesn’t approve of me, and we’re already dating as boyfriend and girlfriend? I really do think that it matters and I almost jokingly met her last night but I didn’t like my outfit enough for a first impression and I honestly do think it matter so much dude. This is the first and last image she’ll see of me until the next time I’d see her and who knows how long that’ll be. Not only that im trying to get hit from the back soooo bad omg I miss back shots so bad but I feel like we can’t catch the same rhythm. It sucks because the one time we did it was the first time we had sex in his little side room in his basement. And DUDE I’m lowkey embarrassed I did this weak ass little roll on his dick. I think our sex is really good, but it could be better. I haven’t cheated on him and I can feel that my pussy is tight and I can tell that he feels it too.   

8/28/2019