#yes this does exist and we are going to talk about it and deal with it
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Quick Evil Note
To all my wicked darlings, I have now received rather a lot of messages asking me about the influences of Long Live Evil. And I wish to get messages about LLE and truly appreciate the ones I do get! And I wish to answer them. But answers about influences are tricky.
The book has been out in the US for a little over two weeks, and it’s going so well so far, I couldn’t be more delighted and appreciative about its reception.
But also I’ve been informed (not asked) that two of my characters are obviously somehow both Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy of Harry Potter, and Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji of Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation. (Very puzzling as I don’t think these pairings - and one isn’t a pair - have much in common with each other or with mine. Vague hostility against a vaguely academic backdrop for a bit? For the record… in the book everyone is an adult and I don’t even have any academic backdrops to be vaguely hostile in front of…) This hasn’t happened to me in a long time, because I haven’t had an original novel out in a long time due to illness, and it is upsetting to always be discussed differently than writers who didn’t openly link their real names to their fan identity.
I have very different feelings and new appreciation for fandom than I once had. It’s been amazing to see and meet people who have stuck with me for decades. People are generally way more open and affectionate to and within fandom than they once were. Love matters to me a good deal more than hate. But getting death threats in your early 20s for excitedly telling your Internet friends you were going to publish a book does mark the psyche, and so does having your characters dismissed as other people’s characters.
And we can say there is nothing wrong with fanfiction or writing fanfiction and there isn’t! Fanfiction is great and can be genius. Terry Pratchett wrote Jane Austen fanfiction, and didn’t (and shouldn’t) have people saying Captain Wentworth = Captain Vimes. Still, when a TV show is discussed as ‘like fanfiction’ or when Diana Gabaldon said she didn’t like fanfiction and many said ‘YOU write fanfiction’ it isn’t intended in any kind spirit, even when it’s fannish folk saying it. And it’s just generally odd to have everyone call your apple a tomato, and has had professional consequences for me in the past.
However! All the asks I’ve received have been very kind, and I do want to answer them. I do want to talk about my influences because they are manifold and because I actually think it’s important to always talk about influences. I don’t believe stories exist in isolation - we tell tales in a rich tradition, and also a story doesn’t come alive to me all the way until it’s heard or read.
Long Live Evil is a love letter to fandom: it’s chock full of references to many many stories I’ve loved, to fairytales, myths and legend and Internet memes and epic fantasy and meta. My acknowledgements are endless partly for this reason. I do owe a great debt to many portal fantasies and archetypes and musicals and jokes about genre and plays through the ages, though I do think of my characters as themselves and nobody else.
I was frankly tempted to go ‘Yes I stole EVERYTHING! Bwhahaha!’ But while I am thoroughly enjoying and finding great freedom in my villain era, I do want to talk sincerely to you all as well, especially when asked sincerely interested questions.
But I’m a little scared to do so and have people say ‘AHA! Now we know what it’s fanfiction of’ (it’s happened before) or ignore me and go ‘we know the truth!’ (it’s happened before) and to feel like I’ve injured my book. Long Live Evil means more to me than any other and I really want to get talking about it right, and make sure it has the best reception I can give it.
So. Questions on all Evil topics very very welcome but answers to influence questions may come slowly. Bear with me. I am working on this!
#fandom#fandom things#harry potter#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#sarah rees brennan#long live evil#influences#archetypes#fairytales#terry pratchett#jane austen
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i don't want to put my uninformed foot in my mouth or get involved with the Discourse but i've been seeing the two extremes of reactions to the korean low birth rates issue (on tumblr and twitter both) and i'm just kind of like. look. i feel like "low birth rates (in many countries but especially japan and korea as part of this conversation) are more broadly the result of capitalism/a culture of overwhelming overwork that makes social relationships and having families incredibly inaccessible to young people" and "low birth rates are very much a part of the current conversation about misogyny and social expectations for women in korea especially in the context of reproduction as 'unpaid labor' for women" are statements that can both be true
#laughs awkwardly#gender#especially considering the ways patriarchal expectations and capitalism very much intersect in terms of quality of life for women#ex. women being expected to have kids / raise kids / do all the housework and cooking in a relationship#while ALSO existing in a society where women (even married women) have to work demanding jobs to deal with the high cost of living#AND women are systemically discriminated against in terms of pay / job availability / work environment and harassment#all of these things add up. these conversations are not opposing points of view. you know?#and also like. not super comfortable with how TERFs are discussed in terms of non-white cultures#TERFism / radfems as a MOVEMENT (and a cult) is very much rooted in white supremacy / ideals of womanhood#again. multiple things can be true at the same time. yes i do see (from my perspective involved in taiwanese social media)#some east asian feminists engage in transphobia in ways that approach radfem rhetoric ('women are victims of men' 'men are predators'#type generalized sentiments which you can imagine gains a lot of traction among women traumatized by patriarchy)#but movement-wise i don't think it's fair (or just in good faith) to generalize radical feminists from non-white countries#to straight up TERFs. which again. rooted in white supremacy. keep feeling like i have to remind people it doesn't make sense#for asians to be white supremacists and that not all oppression on earth stems directly from white people. you weirdos#'what are you talking about' in east asia the type of feminist statements called 'radical' are stuff like.#women shouldn't have to wear make up every time they go outside. women shouldn't be expected to do all housework.#should men pay for women on dates. debates that i think in the states we kind of take for granted as stuff settled years ago#even if some feminists might be transphobic it's not necessarily Transphobia As Core Tenets Of The Movement. does anyone get the difference#basically what i'm saying is. wow these tags got long. maybe let's not apply uniform standards of 'correct language and values'#to non-white people and attack them when as all movements they are fluid and influenced by the people living in it#TERF-style transphobia is not the predestined course for them. maybe it's more productive to have open discussions about transphobia#to work towards inclusivity and solidarity in these movements than to prescribe White Internet Morality to them#and declare that they're evil when they are still very much having conversations that need to be had. thanks i think that's all#essentially. i find that 'how dare a non-american movement not have morally pristine vocabulary priorities and membership#as determined by white leftists' to be in itself kinda a racist attitude
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I’m tired yall.
#ra speaks#personal#…and upset. and annoyed. and frustrated. and disappointed. and angry#idk man I go to this club see. and I don’t talk about my activism in that club.#(neither does the other guy who shows up to events. we got a silent I see you thing goin on.)#anyways I was at an event today and happened to see a different guy from the club who came over and asked questions and talked for a bit#and it was like cool yes please we’re the [redacted] club for gods sake this is like pretty integral to our entire existence#anyways something Happened Inside unaffiliated with us which lol kudos to the perp but now we have to deal w the fallout#bc we’re suspect numero uno even though we legit have no clue who did it#but some of the other Guys (read: right wing military types) were talking abt what Happened and the guy I talked to said ‘x was there’ and#it was just like oh. oh they are not gonna like that.#anyways they named their fucking team for the silly game the club plays before every meeting#they named it fucking libayan arab airlines 114 (a civi plane israel wrongly shot down)#and it’s like. jfc. how petty and immature and passive aggressive and disrespectful do you have to be to do that?#honestly I’m disappointed that the guy who I talked to who clearly was amenable to my activism outside of the club#didn’t say shit/let it slide even if it made him uncomfortable#idk it’s just like. you’re supposed to be better than this. you can be better than this. but you’re assholes anyway.#anyways I’m upset abt that and bc the Happening today means that our thing tomorrow might be cancelled bc we’re worried abt agitators which#is annoying bc we’ve had it planned for like two weeks
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I've been seeing a lot of Discourse around outdoor cats that talks past one of the biggest problems addressing community cats/outdoor working cats so I thought I'd chime in with my two cents.
Many arguments I see just... don't think about the cats at all? Or don't consider the logistics of actually addressing the feral cat problem in a humane way. It's always about how outdoor cats shouldn't be outdoors, which is neither realistic nor helpful.
I used to volunteer at an municipal animal shelter in the USA that had a TNR program (Trap, Neuter, Return) and also adopted out community cats to local farms and businesses. Here's my side of the story.
"Your cat doesn't need to be outside" -- Yes, correct. Your domesticated (non-feral) house cat does not need to go outside at all. They can have a fully actualized life safely indoors. When I see this argument, proponents of indoor only cats are correct in most or all their arguments regarding this.
"Outdoor cats are the largest invasive species in the world, and decimate bird populations." -- This is also correct, and part of the reason why you can help by bringing your house cat indoors. Cats are the largest invasive species. Spay and Neuter your cats, bring them inside, and socialize them so they don't become feral.
"TNR doesn't work." -- False. Whether we like it or not, feral cats exist. We have two methods by which we can address the feral cat population -- decimating them (humanely euthanizing the whole colony) or TNR. For a long time, euthanasia was the preferred way to address the feral cat problem. Afterall, if the cats aren't there, doesn't that save the local wildlife population?
Except that we found, studying these colonies, that when a colony is wiped out, the cats of another colony will spread into their territory and continue to have kittens and the population of feral cats is neither controlled nor diminished.
Hence, TNR. What we found performing TNR on cat colonies was that this controlled the population of the colonies, allowing them to stay in their territory, which kept other colonies from spreading (especially colonies we hadn't performed TNR on yet). We at the shelter felt this was the most humane way to control the feral cat population and safely deflate their existence without dealing with the population blooms that euthanasia caused.
"What about kittens?" -- Kittens from these colonies were brought into the shelter, socialized, and fostered out until they could be adopted. Some of these semi-feral kittens needed special homes to be adopted into, but this was the best quality of life for these cats.
"What about cats that get missed during TNR?" -- We would return to the colony several times over a period of several years to perform TNR on the same colony. We mark cats that have been neutered by clipping their ear (this is done humanely, but is the most reliable way to tell if a cat has been neutered so the poor thing doesn't have to have surgery 3-4 times in their life). Also, during the TNR process the cats would be vaccinated to ensure disease did not spread from the colony (i.e. rabies). Still, even getting 60% of the colony TNR'd would dramatically reduce the number of kittens being added to the colony each year. This controlled the population by allowing the territory to naturally deflate in size over time, buying us time to address the larger feral cat problem.
"What if the colony was in an unsafe location?" -- There were two ways we addressed unsafe colony locations -- remember, we know that when the colony is removed, a new colony will move into its place, so we tried not to move the colony unless we really felt the cats or the public was unsafe -- one was to move the whole colony to a new location. Preferably someplace like a warehouse where we have an agreement with the owners of the warehouse. Some of the cats were even relocated to shelter grounds as our community cats. If the colony was small enough we would bring them into our Feral Cats room and adopt them out as community cats.
"What is a community cat?" -- The way the program worked, was that anyone who needed a working cat could apply to the program. These were often rural farmers or businesses with warehouses that needed rodent protection. We trained the farmers and businesses on how to acclimatize the cats to their new home, and as part of the agreement, they had to care for the cats (veterinary care, vaccinations, food and water). This gave businesses and farms an alternative to expensive and environmentally unfriendly rodent control, and also gave these feral cats good places to live out their natural lives.
"Can't you just adopt out feral cats?" -- No. Cats that have not been socialized around humans as kittens, or who have several generations of feral cat in them could not interact with humans in a way that did not cause them undue stress. This was not a humane way to handle feral cats. However, when a cat was brought into the feral cat room, they would be monitored for up to a week. If the cat displayed signs of being semi-social or fully social (hanging out outside of their den, allowing staff to pet them, showing interest in staff in the room), then we would either move the cat into the adoption room or place them in foster to be socialized before adoption. Feral cats who displayed signs of being able to live full and healthy lives with human companions were NOT adopted out as community cats. We also observed this behavior during TNRs and would do the same for those cats too.
"But aren't cats bad hunters?" -- Compared to other species, cats are not the most effective form of rodent control. This is true. However, you have to understand that feral cats exist. There is no "undo" button we can push to stop them from existing. We have to deal with the problem we have right now, which is to safely and humanely decrease the number of feral cats in our communities. And yes, we do that by using cats as rodent control in the community.
"What can I do?" -- Stop saying community cats shouldn't exist. That's not helpful and doesn't solve the problem we have. Bring your cat indoors. Spay and neuter your cats. Adopt from shelters. Volunteer with a TNR team. Support TNR efforts in your community. Recognize that those of us actively dealing with the community/feral problem are trying to do what is in the best interest of our communities and the animals we love. We aren't sitting over here saying these cats should exist -- a feral cat will not have the same quality of life as one that is indoors with a family -- but we have to address the problem in practical terms. We don't have the moral high ground to just do nothing while pontificating solutions that have no basis in actuality.
And yes, it's okay to celebrate community cats. If your local farm has a couple of working cats, that means that farm is helping participate in the safe deflation of the feral cat population. Don't shame a farm or business for using community cats. We're all doing the best we can to solve the problem that we have.
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I DESPERATELY NEED THEM PIASTRI FICS 💳💳💥
FIRST OSCAR FIC 🥺 i know this concept has been done before but i loved how this one turned out and i hope you do too ! lmk your thoughts
MASTERLIST | MY PATREON
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yourinstagram GUTS has been out for a week !! what’s yalls favorite song? 🤧
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ynfan1 DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE
mtv definitely get him back!
ynfan2 choosing a favorite guts song is like choosing a favorite child
dualipa STUNNING ANGEL 🤩
oscarfan1 can oscar reply to this i want to know his favorite song
↳ oscarfan2 wbk he has this album on repeat
chappelroan lacy oh lacy 😩
oscarpiastri Love is embarrassing or logical
↳ oscarfan1 THERE YOU HAVE IT
↳ oscarfan2 whatever you do don’t picture oscar singing love is embarrassing like a teenage girl
↳ ynfan1 crying bc i bet yn has no idea of who he is
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oscarpiastri F1 race winner has a nice ring to it 🧡
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oscarfan1 FINALLYYY MY WINNER
landonorris Congrats mate ! Deserve it 👊
↳ oscarfan2 LOMLS
mclaren YES, YES IT DOES! 👏 So good today, Oscar. 🧡
longansargeant So proud of you mate 🙌
oscarfan3 do you think his crush will acknowledge his existence now that he’s a winner?
↳ oscarfan1 wait who’s his crush im out of the loop
↳ oscarfan3 singer and actress yn lol
↳ ynfan1 i love this lore so much
//
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yourinstagram tickets for the GUTS tour are on sale now who’s cominggggg🥶
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ynfan1 LETS GOOO
chappelroan i can’t wait for thissss💜
ynfan2 tour of the decade already
mtv pop princess is coming
oscarfan1 do you think oscar woke up for the fan pre sale and got into the queue and all
↳ oscarfan2 you BET
oscarpiastri Count me in ♥︎ by author
↳ oscarfan1 HEEEEELP
↳ ynfan1 yn liked his comment 😭
↳ oscarfan2 somebody check on oscar please
//
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oscarpiastri Days off 🌊
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oscarfan1 this is the hottest man alive
mclaren 🙌
oscarfan2 not him posting this right after yn followed him 😭 we know what you’re doing sir
ynfan1 yn likeddd
↳ ynfan2 i love how both fandoms are rooting for them now
landonorris Looks dope 👊
yourinstagram niiiiceeee 😃
↳ ynfan1 HELLO????
↳ oscarfan1 now he’s for real going to pass out
↳ oscarfan2 i bet he’s staring at his phone wondering if this is real or if she was hacked
↳ ynfan2 i know this woman SHES FLIRTING
↳ ynfan3 come on girl give him a chance
four months later
//
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f1gossip Oscar Piastri with singer and actress YN in Los Angeles today 👀
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oscarfan1 OMFG
oscarfan2 no way…
ynfan1 YALL, HE GOT IT
oscarfan3 i cannot believe my eyes, oscar has been simping over her on the internet since 2020 and how we have THIS
ynfan2 i really need to know how did this happen
oscarfan4 okay but THEIR SMILES !!!!
ynfan3 finally a guy who’s not a loser and/or an old ass
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yourinstagram pastry boy clearly didn’t wait until i finished sneezing to take this picture 🤧
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ynfan1 IS SHE TALKING ABOUT OSCAR??
oscarfan1 PASTRY BOY AS IN OSCAR PIASTRI ?
conangray love me a soft launch 🧐
↳ ynfan1 OMFGGGGGG
ynfan2 i can’t believe she’s potentially dating someone her age and with a job FINALLY
oscarfan2 oscar is proof that persistence is key and manifestation works
landonorris Typical pastry fashion
↳ yourinstagram idk how you deal with him all the time
↳ oscarfan1 ALSJAO THIS IS TOO MUCH
↳ oscarfan2 i need her to befriend the entire grid ASAP
oscarpiastri But it made it to your Instagram, so you’re welcome
↳ yourinstagram well thank you you’re very humble
↳ oscarpiastri Anytime 🤍
↳ oscarfan1 I’VE DIED DEAD
↳ ynfan1 stop flirting in front of us HELLO?
after the date
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yourinstagram the GUTS tour takes tokyo today !!! this is going to be one of the most special shows ever 🥺
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ynfan1 AHHHH
ynfan2 huuuhh is she planning something ??
conangray that’s my best friend 😍
oscarfan1 oscar dating a popstar is the best thing ever look at herrr
landonorris Can’t wait 🙌🏻
↳ landofan1 HUHHH?
↳ oscarfan1 is he going ?? WITH OSCAR ??
sabrinacarpenter 💗💗💗
oscarpiastri Please sing deja vu tonight
↳ yourinstagram you got it
↳ oscarfan1 AH I CANT BELIEVE WE MIGHT HAVE OSCAR (AND LANDO??) ATTENDING HER SHOW
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oscarpiastri I had the best time ever in Tokyo 🙌🏻
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oscarfan1 BABYYY
oscarfan2 i love him so bad
mclaren 🧡
ynfan1 oh we know why he had the best time
logansargeant Little boy in love
↳ oscarfan1 HWEEELP ME
landonorris Why are you posing like a five year old?
↳ landofan1 HEEEEEELP ME
↳ oscarfan1 i love them bad
↳ yourinstagram I SAID THE SAME THING !!
↳ ynfan1 man i love this
yourinstagram no picture credits ? really ?
↳ ynfan2 AHHH
↳ oscarpiastri 📸 credits to Miss America
↳ oscarfan3 WHY AM I CRYING
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yourinstagram night version. 📸 by vroom vroom guy
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ynfan1 OMFG???
oscarfan1 VROOM VROOM GUY?
mtv 🏎️ & 🎤 together was the best thing that happened to us
ynfan2 it’s actually so refreshing to see her dating someone her age who she can have fun with and not some pretentious old ass man who mansplains her
landonorris My children 🫶🏻
↳ landofan1 lando is the biggest shooter for this relationship
oscarfan2 oscar really bagged his biggest crush by being on her comments all the time that’s persistence
alexandrasaintmleux Belleeee 💕
↳ yourinstagram aleeeex i loved hanging out with you let's go out without the boys soon
↳ charlesfan1 LET ME IIIINNN
ynfan3 and when yn writes a song for him
logansargeant I can’t wait to meet you!
↳ yourinstagram pastry is sooo wrong for not introducing us yet
↳ oscarfan1 oscar wdym you haven’t introduced your gf to your best friend
oscarpiastri 😍
↳ oscarfan1 OSCCCC
↳ ynfan1 he’s down bad i get him
//
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ynupdates YN and Oscar out and about tonight !
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ynfan1 OH LOOOORD
oscarfan1 I CANTTT
ynfan2 i can’t stress how good it is that she’s dating someone her age enough
oscarfan2 KING OF MANIFESTATION
ynfan3 i mean we already knew they were together but seeing them with all this pda is so cuuuuute
oscarfan3 IM SO JEALOUS
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yourinstagram 5 new tunes for ya !!!! GUTS (spilled) out friday!!!
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ynfan1 WTFFF I DIDNT SEE THIS COMING
ynfan2 CLAIMING SO AMERICAN
dualipa YEEES ❤️🔥
oscarfan1 i’m pretty sure there’s an oscar song there i just KNOW IT
ynfan3 more angsty breakup songs IM READY
landonorris 🙌🙌🙌🙌
oscarfan2 ready for oscar to annoy lando with those on repeat
mclaren We can’t wait to hear all of them 🧡
↳ oscarfan1 MCLAREN INTERN ARE YOU OKAY?
↳ ynfan1 she’s the people’s princess
oscarpiastri I can confirm those songs are amazing
↳ ynfan1 he already heard them IM SO JEALOUS
↳ oscarfan2 spill the tea are any of those about you
//
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oscarpiastri I laugh at all her jokes and I say she’s so American. So I might just be in lo-lo-lo-love 🧡
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oscarfan1 LAJSIAHAUAB
oscarfan2 I 😭 CANT 😭 BELIEVE 😭 THIS
ynfan1 she’s wearing a friendship bracelet for him MY HEART
charles_leclerc I’m happy for you, son ❤️
↳ charlesfan1 CHARRRR
ynfan2 this is so cute i can’t also when did that sneaky shit go to his race
ynfan3 YN LOVER ERA YN SIMP ERA YN WAG ERA
oscarfan3 long story short: never give up on your celebrity crush
logansargeant ❤️❤️
landonorris Young love, so adorable
ynfan4 THE LYRICS REFERENCE
francisca.cgomes 🥺🥺🥺
↳ ynfan1 she’s already so loved by the wags
yourinstagram love youuuu, pastry 🤧
↳ ynfan2 i love all the nicknames he uses for him
↳ oscarfan1 pastry, vroom vroom boy. she’s just so romantic
#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri#oscar piastri fanfiction#oscar piastri smau#oscar piastri fake instagram#oscar piastri x you#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri fluff#oscar piastri fic#oscar piastri x yn#f1 x reader#f1 fanfic#formula 1 x reader#charles leclerc x reader#formula 1#oscar piastri writing#harrysfolklore#f1 grid x reader#max verstappen x reader#1k
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i think one of my spiciest takes is that i think cis people should be cis on purpose and not because it’s the “default”
ok hear me out before you go into the notes, i have reasons.
the main idea is that i think EVERYONE should explore and interrogate their gender identity and what their gender truly means to them. because 1) i don’t think any harm will ever come from wanting to understand yourself and your existence on a deeper level and 2) if everyone, including cis people, explored their gender it would be more generally accepted. thus, trans people or people questioning their transness wouldn’t be as othered when they start questioning and exploring their gender.
because here’s the deal. every trans person i know can tell you what their gender means. they can tell you what it means to be a man or a woman or neither or both or some other nebulous concept. they can describe it to you and explain it to you. they can tell you what their manhood or womanhood or neitherhood means to them, what it represents, how they knew that’s who they were.
every trans person i know (including myself) can articulate what their gender is in more words than “well i’m *insert gender* because i’m *insert gender*” (yes i know i’m always saying i can’t be bothered with gender but i do actually have a lot of feelings and words on my own)
i’ve talked to a lot of cis people about gender and they just simply can’t explain to me what womanhood or manhood is to them. so often it’s “well i’m a man cuz i’m a man. i look like a man i act like a man etc etc.” but what does a man look like? what does a man act like? and it’s usually people who consider themselves trans allies saying these things!
people should explore their gender. they should understand it more deeply. i don’t say “explore your gender” as a way to try and force anyone into a realization of transness, i say it because i want people to understand their gender. whether that be cis or trans or whatever.
to understand yourself more deeply is to understand your place in the world more accurately. learning more about who you are, and why you are, and how you are never hurts in the long run.
so yeah. be cis on purpose, be cis because you know deeply that you are cis, because you understand what that means to you.
and be trans on purpose. use the labels you like deliberately. dress in the way that brings you euphoria and mitigates dysphoria because you deserve that.
simply be on purpose. walk through life with deliberate steps, with solidified intent. because without doing so, how can we find our purpose on this earth and in this life?
#i hope this hits the target audience#gender exploration#gender talk#trans#enby#nonbinary#queer#long post
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JUNE 6TH | OLD
AUGUST 7TH | NEW
I wanted this to be a small opportunity to make “Redeemed Bradley” a thing because I don’t see it as much… so I redrew it for funnies
Basically Redeemed Bradley happens wayyyy after the X Games, casted out and left to rot by himself before Max came back into the light.
Both talked it out and settled on being “friends” under one condition. Be yourself and honest. And no arguments and deals, but that’s out of the window
Bradley always has been himself but not totally, shutting out his own problems and not being completely in terms of his sexuality, being gay.
He never had time nor patience to fully figure himself out throughly, his parents and fans shoved his fake personality into his brain, thinking he’s already perfect. But Max opened his eyes to see that he isn’t perfect nor is himself at all.
The stress overwhelmed Bradley to the point where he almost cried in front of the Goof Troop. Even being the most unserious group to ever exist in man-kind, they knew that this “be yourself” stuff is overwhelming their new friend.
All four, again, have a conversation about Bradley, and as much as he hates heartfelt conversations, he knew he needed to hear it.
“We can go step by step, till you are fully fit to yourself.”
And as they said, Bradley just does that and everything runs smoothly.
No more snarls and death threats or deals and harmful pranks.
Bradley was feeling himself, all free of the pressure and fears. And he has never felt more happier than that.
But one problem kept crawling back to him, his gay problem. Not that it’s bad or anything but he has caught feelings for Max Goof, the same man helping him find his new and improved self.
Bradley knew he had to be honest and himself, it was the friendship condition both men agreed apon.
He tried to show Max about it, still afraid he’ll reject him but he still tried everything!
Having a bracelet same color as Max’s eyes.
Wearing matching earrings.
Even allowing Max to be close to him as possible.
But Max is too oblivious of the signs, and kept friend-zoning the poor boy… Will Max accept Bradley for who he is and love him as well? Or will he reject him for the greater good?
Who knows…
I’m so normal about them and yes, long haired Max supremacy 🛐
#original art#maxley#max goof#bradley uppercrust the third#an extremely goofy movie#a goofy movie#redraw#i love them#SO MUCH#RAHSHZIFJQKDJKDKW#they are in love your honor#Redeemed Bradley?#maybe yes#Spotify
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We don't talk enough about the fact that Amelia Pond, s5 Amelia Pond, before the timeline is reset, isn't just a normal orphan. Her parents didn't die, didn't abandon her, and didn't send her away. They never existed in the first place.
And if her parents never existed, then Amelia cannot exist. She is a causal impossibility.
"People fall out of the world sometimes, but they always leave traces." A photograph. A face carved into an apple. Yes. Sure.
A child.
Now that's too big, surely.
But that's what she is. She is exactly the same as these things. A trace. An echo of something that could never be, never was, never could have been.
And the universe should never allow it. A whole person, that's just too much. She could not have continued to exist indefinitely, in normal circumstances, after her parents never existed.
In normal circumstances.
Because the Doctor didn't just save her from things coming out of the crack in her wall. He saved her from going into it. And he didn't just save her from the threat of going into it simply because of its vicinity.
No, by arriving when he did, he interrupted a process that was probably already in motion. And then by arriving again only moments later on a cosmic relative timestream (too quickly for the process to complete) and yet in the local relative timestream, years later --- years of a potential future caught midway through the process of rewriting -- he solidified that existence. Amy is a creature from another timeline, caught in amber. The Doctor prevented her from never existing, but only after she could already never exist.
And so, no one around Amelia thinks about it. Neither does she. There's some kind of consciousness block, because if you thought about it, really thought about it, for two seconds you'd realize she cannot exist. And the human mind can't deal with that. So, to protect itself, everyone's brain simply slides off it before ever noticing. They just assume that her existence makes sense, and don't question it, and don't notice what they don't question, that is staring them in the face.
But of course, to some extent they do notice. They can't think it, but they notice subconsciously that there's something they can't think. They notice there's something wrong with her, something uncanny. And they don't like it, and they alienate her even more because of it.
"Does it ever bother you Pond that your life existence doesn't make any sense?"
#like!!!!!! why arent we talking about this!!!!!!!#amelia pond#amy pond#the ultimate autism metaphor on top of being autistic anyway#doctor who#dw#ndw#dw theory#lavender thoughts#SHE CAN'T EXIST SHE IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE#you called clara the impossible girl but that's amy#and THEN the fact that even after it's all set right#she remains shaped by -- remains deeply traumatized by -- a timeline that never happened; a reality that never was#AUGH !!!!!#some wounds just can't heal even if the thing that caused them never existed in the first place#some wounds remain as a TRACE of the other time just as you yourself were once#THE mental illness rep of all time#and in the big bang of course the doctor had to take the shortcut because if they'd all gone the long way round#she'd have been gone before he got there#as starless universe's little amelia disappeared.... it could be millienia but from another perspective it HAD to be moments#they made it only in the nick of time#and the doctor knew that#pond#the life and times of amy pond
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16,904
leah williamson x reader
Melbourne
October, 2023
You finally tell your friends that you’ve been talking to someone you met online on a Friday night. The response you got is that they all think you're crazy, and you can’t blame them—saying that you have a tiny crush on this blonde who’s almost twice your height and likes football and country music without actually knowing if this said blonde exists is kind of crazy.
But you really do like talking to Leah and you could only hope that Leah is Leah and not some fifty-year-old man.
“You don’t even know what she looks like,” one of your friends snorts.
“It’s not always about the looks,” you argue.
“That’s true,” another one of your friends chimed in. “But you gotta admit, the looks matter a lot.”
You were about to correct her and say no, they do not, because yeah, sure, Leah is so freaking gorgeous based on the pictures on her profile, but what matters the most is that she’s so kind, and funny, and just overall amazing.
Instead you kept your mouth shut. A part of you don’t want to share Leah with anyone just yet.
(And another part of you still needs the confirmation that that is actually Leah because god damn it Leah is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and you wish that it’s really her.)
—
6 Oct, 9:02 pm
y/n: I told my friends about you. they think it’s weird that I’m starting something with you when we’ve never met
y/n: it’s not weird, is it?
leahw6: starting something huh? ;)
y/n: shut up
y/n: we met on tinder. what were you expecting to find? a math tutor?
leahw6: ...
leahw6: you’re really funny, love
leahw6: and no, it’s not weird
y/n: good
y/n: and for the record, even if they think it’s weird I couldn’t care less
—
6 Oct, 9:25 pm
leahw6: just to be clear
leahw6: ‘starting something’ that means you want to date me right
y/n: how else could I mean that
leahw6: idk maybe you were the one looking for a math tutor
—
London
October, 2023
“Where did you meet her again?”
“Tinder.”
“Tinder,” Lia repeats.
“Yes,” Leah nods. “When we were in Australia for the World Cup… I got bored one night and decided to go on Tinder.”
“And you found her there,” Lia muses, sipping on her cup of coffee. “Wait, so she lives in Australia?”
“Melbourne, yes.”
“And does she know you’re all the way here in London?”
Leah hesitates before answering. “No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Oh boy,” Lia gives her a sympathetic look. “Does she know who you are?”
“Me… as in Leah?” Leah gives her teammate a confused look. “Yeah?”
“You as in you’re Leah Williamson.”
“Oh,” realization sunk in Leah’s face. “Then no. I mentioned I like football and she said she hates it. So, I doubt she knows who I am.”
“Oh boy.”
“I know,” Leah drops her head on the table. “I’ll tell her soon but what if it’s a deal breaker?”
“Which part? The part where you’re a famous footballer or you live thousands of kilometers away?”
Leah grimaces “Distance problem. She already said she hates football and wouldn���t dare step foot in a football game, but it’s fine! That’s not a problem because I can and will convince her to watch one of my games.”
Lia laughs. “Sure, buddy.”
“I really like her,” Leah continues. “She’s funny and witty and passive aggressive sometimes but it’s so endearing. She has great taste in music, great taste in movies and books, and just great taste overall—”
Leah’s words get cut off with Lia’s hand on her mouth. “You’ve known her for a few weeks and this is already how you act?” Lia chuckles, taking her hand away. “You got it bad, Williamson.”
Leah groans. “I know.”
“Just tell her now. If she likes you the same way, I have a feeling that she wouldn’t mind either.”
—
24 Oct, 4:13 pm
leahw6: can we talk ?
y/n: sounds serious
leahw6: kind of
y/n: are you getting tired of me already :(
leahw6: ofc not
y/n: oh okay :D
leahw6: idk how to say this
y/n: do you want me to call you?
leahw6: oh god no
leahw6: omg wait
leahw6: I didn’t mean that in a bad way I swear
leahw6: it’s just that if you call me I’ll be hearing your voice for the first time and I’ll be even more nervous
leahw6: and I don’t think I’ll be able to put out a coherent sentence bc I’ve been imagining so much what your voice would sound like with that face and all my guesses are that you have an extremely hot voice, raspy maybe?
leahw6: but actually no I don’t think you have a raspy voice
leahw6: a deep one maybe and holy shit a deep voice with an australian accent? I’ll faint on the spot I’m afraid
leahw6: no you can’t call me
y/n: okay...?
leahw6: I’m really sorry please ignore all that
y/n: I won’t ignore it, it’s adorable
leahw6: you think I’m weird don’t you
y/n: absolutely
leahw6: great
y/n: it just makes me like you even more
leahw6: I live in london
y/n: as in the one in england … ?
leahw6: is there another london I don’t know about
[incoming call from y/n]
leahw6: why are you calling me ?!
leahw6: I told you I’m too nervous rn
y/n: I don’t get it. it says that you were 2km away?
leahw6: yeah… I was on vacation… kind of...
y/n: kind of?
y/n: so you don’t actually live here?
leahw6: y/n if I was only 2 km away from you I would make up excuses just so I can see you everyday
y/n: how many km is it instead
leahw6: between us?
leahw6: google says it’s 16,904 km
y/n: ??! holy shit
leahw6: I know
leahw6: look, I get it if you want to stop this. not everyone is cut out for long distance
y/n: we’re like
y/n: on opposite sides of the world
leahw6: I know
y/n: do you want to stop this?
leahw6: I don’t
y/n: then we won’t
leahw6: are you sure
y/n: let me call you
leahw6: NO
y/n: leah
leahw6: give me a day to prepare
y/n: you’re so dumb
y/n: but fine
y/n: do I at least get a facetime
leahw6: FACETIME?
leahw6: no. you get a phone call. voice only
y/n: r u catfishing
y/n: I knew it you’re too beautiful to be real
leahw6: ha ha
y/n: call me tomorrow okay lee?
leahw6: okay
leahw6: and y/n
leahw6: thank you
y/n: what for
leahw6: for giving us a chance
y/n: leah I’d be stupid not to
—
Melbourne
November, 2023
You're in the middle of a meeting with boring, old men in suits when your phone rings—very loudly at that. You curse yourself for forgetting to put your phone on silent, quickly pressing the red circle on the screen, but not before smiling at the caller ID.
When the meeting finishes an hour later, you immediately pick up your phone and dial Leah’s number.
“Hey you.”
You smile at the voice on the other end. “Sorry I couldn’t pick up. I was in a meeting.”
“Oh sorry, bad timing. Thought you were finished for the day”
“Bad timing indeed,” you chuckle. “It rang really loudly.”
“Y/n,” you could hear Leah’s soft giggles. “The silent feature exists for a reason.”
“Yeah, yeah,” you take a seat in your office chair and sigh contently. “I’m glad it rang though.”
“How so?”
“I saw your name and my mood instantly picked up.”
Leah snorts. “You’re such a sweet talker, mate.”
You throw her head back in laughter. “But it’s true!”
Leah doesn’t say anything after that, all you could hear is the sound of chatter and honking of cars. “Where are you?”
“I just had breakfast, I’m walking to the… office.”
“You called me when you were having breakfast? Am I that much more interesting than whoever you were with?” you ask, your tone teasing.
“Of course you are,” is Leah’s reply and you could feel your stomach flipping upside down.
“Now who’s the sweet talker?”
“Still you.”
“Says the person who couldn’t stop telling me I’m pretty when we facetimed for the first time.”
Leah laughs and you really, really love the sound. “But you are pretty.”
“But I don’t think I need to hear it every five minutes.”
“Just accept the compliments, love.”
“Okay,” you relent, a grin spreading across your face. “Who did you have breakfast with?”
“Just my team– colleagues. My colleagues, Beth, Viv and Lia.”
You go silent for a few seconds, the last name ringing a bell in your head. “Lia as in your ex?”
“The one and only.”
“Oh.”
Leah must’ve sensed the jealousy in your voice (but honestly, you aren't jealous, you’re really not), because the next thing you know Leah is laughing and telling you that it didn’t work out between her and Lia because they were better off as friends.
“You see her everyday though,” you say, your voice less confident than before.
“And what about it?”
“You don’t see me everyday,” you pout, staring at a polaroid picture of Leah smiling at the camera that is stuck to the wall of your cubicle. Leah sent you a handwritten letter along with that picture a few days ago. Your roommate was the one who received it and it went something like this:
“Oh my god, there’s no way this is your Leah.”
“What?”
“This! Is this really her?”
“Is that Lee’s mail for me? Did you open it?!”
“I got curious!”
“Give me that!”
“You never mentioned that she looks like this!”
“I just haven’t shown you what she looks like ‘cause everyone kept on teasing me!”
“Because she could be a fake for all we know! But holy shit, she’s soo stunning. Does she have a twin sister?”
“No.”
“A twin brother?”
“No.”
“Can I have her instead then?”
“What the—no?!”
“Fine, be stingy like that.”
“...I’m really fine with us like this.”
You blink away images of your roommate in your head and focus your attention back to Leah’s voice. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m okay with not being able to see you everyday,” Leah repeats. “Talking to you over the phone is enough.”
You smile. “It’s enough for me too. It’d be great to have you next to me but this is good too.”
People would think otherwise but for you, having Leah a phone call away really is enough; you'd take hearing Leah's laughter through the phone than not hearing it at all.
—
10 Nov, 1:11 pm
y/n: I got a dog
leahw6: ???!!
leahw6: Y/N CALL ME OMG
leahw6: I WANT TO SEE
y/n: you’re more excited to see him than me ://
leahw6: YES
y/n: excuse me
leahw6: WHAT’S HIS NAME
y/n: robert
leahw6: ROBERT?
y/n: yes, robert
leahw6: he's now my favourite
leahw6: SEND PICS
y/n: :/
y/n:
leahw6: you know you're my favourite too
y/n: :D
leahw6: but I think I like robert more than you OMG HE'S ADORABLE!!!!
y/n: bye
—
London
December, 2023
leahw6: want to hear a funny story
y/n: what is it
leahw6: a guy tried to hit on me tonight
y/n: excuse me???
[incoming call from y/n]
“That’s not funny,” is the first thing Leah hears once she accepts the call.
“Hello to you too,” Leah stifles a laugh. You sound tense and Leah can just picture the frown on your face.
“Leah.”
“Yes, babe?” Leah learnt that the quickest way to melt away your anger is to use pet names and so for any argument (even if Leah is in the wrong), Leah would always win.
This time it doesn’t seem to work. “How is that funny again?”
“Darling, I’m just teasing you.”
“Did a guy really hit on you?”
“Yes,” Leah answers honestly. “He bought me a drink.”
“I see.”
Leah doesn’t like how dejected you sound. So she presses the button for facetime and the first thing she sees when you accept is her girlfriend pouting at the screen.
“What are you doing?” Leah giggles.
“Is all of this funny to you?” you pout even more, your phone screen illuminating your face in the dark room.
“Did I wake you up?” Leah asks instead. She knows you like to sleep in on weekends.
“Yes, but that’s fine. You know I want to talk to you any chance I get,” you answer, shifting so that you’re now lying on your side.
“You’re the best,” Leah says as she climbs in bed, tucking herself under the covers.
“Obviously,” you scoff. “Unlike that stupid guy who doesn’t know you’re off-limits.”
Leah grins at the annoyed look you’re giving her. “Baby?”
“Hm?”
“It’s so cute when you’re jealous.”
You roll your eyes. “Of course I’m jealous. He gets to be within your presence while I’m stuck here, freaking sixteen thousand kilometres away from you. It’s unfair.”
Leah sends her a soft smile. “But you’re the one I’m talking to every day, so who’s the real winner here?” The frown is still present on your face and Leah wants nothing more than to kiss it away—so that’s what she did.
“Leah, what the hell are you doing?”
“Kissing you,” Leah answers simply, kissing her screen again.
And when Leah hears laughter from the other end, her heart feels much lighter.
“Lee, have you cleaned your phone? That’s gross.”
“Shut up. I’m trying to be romantic.”
“Cute, but maybe clean your phone first.”
Leah rolls her eyes at you, her smile never leaving her face. “At least I made you laugh.”
“You always make me laugh,” you say, your face so close to her camera that the entirety of Leah’s screen is just a close up of your face. Leah’s heart swells in adoration at the sight.
“Did you have a good night's sleep?” Leah asks.
You hum in answer. “Now it’s your turn to get a good night’s sleep.”
You could see how hard Leah is trying to keep her eyes open.
“This sucks, time difference sucks” Leah pouts. “I just want to talk to you.”
“Baby,” you give her a sad smile. “It is how it is. We’ll talk more when you wake up.”
“Yes, captain,” Leah gives you grin, her eyes fully closed.
“Good night, Leah. Sweet dreams.”
You watch Leah go to sleep for a few minutes, the sound of her soft snores making it seem like she’s right next to you.
That night Leah dreams that you're right next to her, holding her close and keeping her warm on the cold winter night.
#leah williamson#leah williamson x reader#woso#woso community#woso fanfics#leah williamson imagine#awfc x reader#lionesses x reader#woso x reader
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PLATONIC
𐂂 Oh best believe he's not gonna take you seriously at the beginning of your so-called friendship, I don't even think he considers it as one.
𐂂 He just considers you as one of the many people he knows. He also definitely doesn't think of you as an equal or anyone significant.
𐂂 He'll probably acknowledge your existence if you were a part of the hotel, but if you were just a random demon off the streets then no, he has better things to do with his time. Not unless you do something that grabs his attention.
𐂂 Deliberately trying to be on his good side won't affect him in any way, he's used to that treatment, therefore what you're doing is nothing special.
𐂂 But what does grab his attention? Subtle things. Giving him his space, if you have a phone or any technology invented beyond the 1930s you generally try and avoid him, thanking him as he passes you your portion of the meal he cooks for hotel bonding nights that Charlie mandated. Stuff like that when added up makes Alastor generally more appreciative of your existence.
𐂂 Only then you're upgraded from an acquaintance to an acquaintance that isn't as annoying to be around as the rest.
𐂂 That's when he strikes up random conversations with you, he appreciates it if you take the time to listen and add to it, even more so if you actually set aside something you were doing just to talk with him. It gives him a mini ego boost every time.
𐂂 Writing something while he talks about the hotel's structural problems? His smile widens when you close your notebook and join him by recounting the time you almost fell down the balcony.
𐂂 Eating breakfast and he talks about how he hunts the perfect deer for venison? There you are, chewing your food and nodding, listening to how he graphically describes the process while the rest of the hotel stares at him in horror.
𐂂 Another thing he does during this phase is popping out of nowhere and keeping up with what you're doing, call it interest, call it curiosity, or maybe it's boredom. Now that Alastor knows that you are more tolerant of him he'll fully use that to his entertainment.
𐂂 I can see him trying to get a deal out of you but it doesn't go anywhere, since I'm going to assume we are all smart enough to not hand our souls to Alastor on a silver platter.
𐂂 Survive his onslaught of impromptu shenanigans and move on to the next tier of actually being friends.
𐂂 Alastor treats his friends as his equals so there's that, also be ready to accept his invites to drinking coffee around the hotel and talking about the latest mess the hotel went through.
𐂂 The way he treats you compared to how he treats Angel or Husk is way different that it physically gives everyone a whiplash. I'm talking about something like this:
"Can you not scare off people, smiles? We're tryna bring in people into the hotel." Angel explains, Alastor only simpers as he feigns ignorance.
"Why, I don't know what you're talking about!" He laughs as he skips off merrily. Charlie and Vaggie then nod to each other and drag you into the conversation, whispering you something before they push you towards Alastor.
"Hey Alastor, I just wanted to ask if you could help me with something?" You ask, you haven't made up a chore to ask for help from him but you needed a reason to try and stop him from scaring any potential guests. Does Alastor know? I guarantee you he does. But does he let you do it anyways? Yes, absolutely he does.
"Anything to help a dear out, if you'll excuse us then!" Alastor bids goodbye for the both of you as you walk away, despite being the one to ask him, he was the one leading the way.
𐂂 Alastor also invites you to meet Rosie! Rosie finds you very endearing and if you had a penchant for cannibalism expect luncheons together with them.
𐂂 By this point everyone in the hotel notices how Alastor gravitates towards you, they have mixed reactions to it but the general consensus is to not disrupt your "bonding sessions" as Charlie puts it.
𐂂 Alastor oftentimes shares jokes whether or not you appreciate his humor. Side note, Alastor full-on cackles if you or Rosie say something outta pocket about somebody, and hangouts with both of them are generally a good time. He'll try to say shit like:
"Let's be nicer now." All the while he holds in a laugh after you and Rosie called Susan the wicked bitch of the West.
𐂂 This is also a silly thought of mine, but picture this:
You decided to stay up late one night after you decided to do whatever it is you were putting off and after a while, you decided to grab some coffee from downstairs.
Arriving at the kitchen you see, this eldritch abomination in the shadows looming over the cabinet where the instant coffee packets were kept. It then takes you a few seconds to register that it was Alastor and you were just left standing by the kitchen doorway, wondering what to say.
"Can I grab the coffee packets from that cabinet over there?" You point towards the cabinet, Alastor then quickly shifts back to his usual form and ushers you to the kitchen counter.
"Nonsense my dear! Why don't I make us some nice and hot coffee instead of consuming such tasteless things." Alastor insists and before you could even refuse he was already doing a French press.
𐂂 Though as you can imagine Alastor has his off days, he makes it clear to you when he isn't in the best of moods and you steer clear of him per his request. Then the fight with Adam happened. As the rest of the hotel was busy with rebuilding the hotel, you were balancing both looking for Alastor and helping paint the walls of the new hotel.
𐂂 This is when the remaining walls he had crumbled down as you find him at his lowest, basically defeated and while he was royally pissed when someone saw him in such a vulnerable state, you were the best option out of the ensemble that was currently singing outside of the ruins of his old radio station.
𐂂 Hesitant as he was, he let you dress his wound with bandages, he wasn't comfortable with anything else you offered, not with cleaning up the wound itself, not with telling the rest that he was alive, and definitely not asking for help from anyone either. So you stayed there for a while after you finished dressing his wound up, his blood immediately soaking through the bandage. But you didn't say anything and let Alastor be, and after a few more minutes in silence, he got up and offered you a hand as if he wasn't the one who needed it. The only thing he says is:
"We mustn't dilly-dally now, the rest are waiting for you." Not us, just you. It sounded bitter but you didn't say anything.
ROMANTIC(? AS MUCH AS ALASTOR CAN BE AT LEAST)
𐂂 Romantic isn't the right word for Alastor, I imagine him to be somebody who doesn't outright say his feelings but there's a gradual change, and then one day, before you know it people around the hotel will start asking you if you two were a thing. He's not going to acknowledge the change verbally, but he does notice it and acknowledges it in his own way.
𐂂 Don't get me wrong he's capable of being romantic, acts of service is his go-to, and on days that he feels like it he can be very vocal with his affections. But it's not an everyday occurrence.
𐂂 This only starts right after something like seeing him at his lowest, that for me is when I feel like he's more willing to be more open to you. I mean, you've already seen him at rock bottom, so why not?
𐂂 Go to him during your more vulnerable moments, he's done it to you so he expects the same. Trust goes both ways after all.
𐂂 It starts out small, if you were used to setting things aside just to listen to him ramble, wait until you start to notice that he's doing the same thing for you. Usually when you're discussing something he multitasks, of course he still listens but efficiency is of the essence. Eventually though, he starts to physically put aside anything he is doing, showing that you have his full attention.
𐂂 There are also times when you (and the rest of the hotel) notice that your portion in meals that he cooked has significantly more than what the others have on their plates. Anyone who complains gets told that they were only imagining it by Alastor.
𐂂 Alastor also gradually becomes more lenient with you, letting you get away with a lot more than you should. Steal his monocle? He'll wear his glasses as he searches for you in the hotel. Break something by accident? He'll be by your side telling you to be more careful as he picks up every broken piece before you hurt yourself.
𐂂 Adjustment is key, I can see the other party doing more of it but he also makes an effort to meet you halfway. Are you particularly touchy? He doesn't get it but he knows it makes you happy so he makes an effort to accommodate you.
𐂂 Words of affirmation? Since he gets to see you get all flustered he's up for it! He finds you adorable whenever you do.
𐂂 Alastor tries for you, tries to navigate all of those unfamiliar territories that he's never had the chance to explore to ensure that you don't feel like the only one in your relationship. It does feel like it sometimes, I won't sugarcoat it, Alastor at heart is a man cold and sharp on the edges, but he isn't Alastor if he wasn't and he still cares for you all the same even if he doesn't show it.
𐂂 I'd say the most romantic part of the day for the both of you would be reading together in his room, fire crackling as you sit on the floor (much to Alastor's protest) while you lean against Alastor's chair. Sometimes he sneaks a peek into your book just to see what you were reading out of curiosity, and you'd rather not tell him that you could see him doing it from his reflection through the small mirror he had hanging by one of his shelves.
𐂂 Pet names for days! Yes he does call you chere, next question please. Pet names become more frequent the closer you two become, although, the more personal nicknames would be said behind closed doors. The most he'll call you in public would be darling, he didn't need to air out every part of his life and you both were content at that. Also, call me crazy, delusional even, but hear me out here sharks:
You were sitting by the fire, with Alastor still complaining that sitting on the floor was nowhere near as comfortable as you said it was, you only laughed lightly at how much of a fuss he's kicking up.
"I won't die a second time just because I decided to sit on the floor Al. Besides, you're a lot closer if I sit here. I like it like that. So let me have this one, please?" You don't know why, but he stops in the middle of his tangent. Something about what you just said struck something in him that got him laughing softly, even going so far as to ruffle your hair ever so gently.
"Oh, you dear old thing. I suppose I can't stop you." He eventually takes his hand back and goes back to reading as he hums together with the faint melody of jazz in the air.
𐂂 Alastor helps you dress up if you ask, need help with a zipper you can't quite reach? Hold his staff for a moment while he does. Can't pick between two things? Ask him and he'll give you his opinion, he'll often say you'll look just as lovely wearing either one but he does have his choice.
𐂂 You don't sleep in the same rooms unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you see it, if you're a part of the rehabilitation program you both would have a separate room of your own. Neither of you made any plans of asking Charlie to move you to his room or vice versa either since you were both unprepared for whatever questions she may have so you both agreed to put it off, there really was no urgency or need to stay in the same room anyways.
𐂂 Letters! Events like Valentine's Day never interested Alastor, there was no one to spend it with so he never needed to worry about it. But with you in the picture he starts to think otherwise, you both rarely ask for anything from the other so gifts would have to be purely given by initiative, and now was the perfect time. It takes Alastor an almost embarrassingly long amount of time to settle on writing you a letter, a heartfelt one dedicated to thanking you for being a part of his afterlife, for being someone he can trust, and for making the days less monotonous for him. Imagine his surprise when he hands you a letter only for you to give one of your own. You both share a laugh and settle down by the fire, reading your letters together as Alastor sits down on the floor together with you just this once to humor you he says.
𐂂 All in all, it takes a while, but with time, patience, and I mean a lot of it, you'll get there.
╭┉┉┅┄┄┈•◦_•◦❥•◦_
Interested in hearing me yap even more? Give Signed, Alastor a go if you have the time. It's about a bat and a deer faffing around until they sort their feelings out.
#hazbin alastor#alastor#alastor x reader#hazbin hotel#alastor x you#writeblr#writing#headcannons#alastor headcanons#writers on tumblr#alastor/reader#alastor the radio demon
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hot take maybe but can we normalize like. seeing random disabled person online in own space talk about hate own disability and… leaving them alone? instead go reply about how disability not a bad thing n how that specific disability not bad thing & you shouldn’t feel that way & calling them ableist?
bc. even if that true. how in world is it helpful go into stranger’s space & go yell at them for how they feel about own stuff & talk about own stuff based on fraction of their life they choosing selective share?
disability not bad thing yes. n kudos to you not hate own disability… (but do you? like all the time? never ever feel negative about own disability?)
especially if you not even have that disability. yes, even if you disabled yourself.
someone who previously non disabled suddenly became disabled through traumatic accidents & have to HUGELY adjust adapt life n have something previous/different compare to, may feel differently have different journey than someone entire life like this. someone whose disability progressive and terminal may have different experience feeling than someone progressive but not terminal may be different from someone not progressive nor terminal. someone severely disabled high support needs may have different experience than someone not as severely affected lower support needs. someone primary physical disability may be very different from someone primary psychiatric or neurodevelopmental.
but even if do have that disability—different people go through different things & react differently to things. different people at different place of (their own!!) disability journey. n getting randomly yelled at by stranger does NOT help, will NOT magically be cure “oh shoot, why have never thought of just love disability!”
maybe they need time! maybe they going through rough patch! maybe they will never love their disability because it really negatively impact them!
if someone in public space own space talk about how their disability ruin their life, how they never going get previous life back, how they feel like own life not have value from own disability struggling find it, how they want be cured for it. if have nothing nice say, then leave them be! they clearly having bad time.
if someone in public space talk about how hate own disability, n it make you uncomfortable, make you feel invalidated. that something you need deal with.
and even if someone with x disability saying they “hate [that disability]”—are they actual say they hate all people with that disability, or they actually saying that disability really negatively affect own life & hate it for it?
if they not talking about hate all disabled people n talking about how all disabled people shouldn’t exist or all disabled people without value worthless or something like that. leave them be
have seen this happen when disabled people without SCI police how people with SCI through traumatic accident talk about their SCI. have seen autistic people police other autistic people talk about own autism, n go double when it higher support needs level 2/3 autistics talk about how hate their autism because their life very different from peers.
not every disabled person like you. not every disabled person at same exact place you are with your disability journey. not every disabled person follow your same disability journey step by step. some disabled people may set different goal different values than yours.
if see someone go through rough time & have nothing nice say, don’t say anything.
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The other Bronze – Part 10
okay.... this is a short one but it'll do for tonight 😅
thanks to my gold star anon and my manager @valewosomtb who's also my inspiration
also a big hug to MY bubs @samkerrworshipper
“BUBS!!!” you heard your sister yell down the hallway again “Move your ass – Kei will be picking us up in roughly 10 minutes!”
“COMING...” you yelled back from the guest room which you claimed as yours now
“Jesus Christ woman... calm your non existing tits” you mumbled as you closed your bag slung it over your shoulder looking once around the room again that you packed everything essential before walking down the hallway towards Lucy
“Why does everything has to be last minute with you?” your sister asked nervous going through her bag a fifth time “Do you have everything?”
“Yes mom” you rolled your eyes
“Shorts and Shirts?” she continued to question you and you nodded
“Joggers and sweaters? It's England after all” Lucy went through her mental list
“Yes” you sighed out annoyed
“Socks?”
“Always can wear yours” you mumbled knowing your sister doesn't even want an answer from you she just needs to get it out
“Okay... should I pack the harness?” Lucy mumbled to herself which caused you to look at her horrified
“Scuse me???” you shrieked
“I don't know if I need it...” your sister scratched her brow
“For WHO?????” you squeaked out
“You of course” Lucy looked at you confused
“I'M YOUR SISTER!!!!!” you lost it – right there and then
“I KNOW” your sister imitated your tone
“That's just... no... you can't be serious!!” you retreated to be aghast
“Of course I'm serious... I mean Sarina maybe need it too... you can be quite the handful” Lucy said not understanding why you would make such a big deal out of it
“I... I... I... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????” you screeched bewildered
“What is wrong with YOU???? Dear god, I know you don't like Bronzo but I need to concentrate on training not wonder if you're wandering around London again getting lost” your sister said looking at you like you have two heads
“Bronzo?” you asked confused after a minute
“Yes... Bronzo... what did you thought I was talking about?” Lucy shook her head
“Ehrm... nothing” you huffed embarrassed your cheeks heating up
Lucy looked at you puzzled recapping your conversation in her head before she turned to you with wide eyes
“You thought I'm talking about the OTHER harness?????!!!! Oh my God... oh god... NO!!! I was talking about Bronzo” she said more than shocked as she realized you were talking about her little fun toy for Onas and her “alone time”
“I'm happy with Bronzo” you squeaked out your face still red “Bronzo is a good guy”
“We'll NEVER talk about that conversation ever again” Lucy said firmly swallowing hard
“Agreed” you nodded quickly
“Underwear?” she looked at you expectantly
“Not planning to wear any” you sarcastically answered
“Back and pack underwear” she pointed down the hallway as she heard honking from the outside
“Okay... no more time... we'll buy some in London” Lucy said even more nervous as she opened the door grabbing her bags and started to walk towards Keiras Car closing the door behind her
You just stood in the hallway with a blank face waiting for your sister to realize that she – again – forgot you. You already were used to this. Not the first time you travelled with her – normally it was Keira who would remind Lucy that she needs to take her sister but this time Keira was driving so it would take your sister at least 3 minutes to come back. You walked into the kitchen grabbing some bread opened the fridge and made yourself a sandwich knowing you'd have enough time. Five minutes later – you were happily chewing on your Fuet and Garrotxa cheese sandwich as Lucy hastily opened the door looking at you stressed
“Come on... we're going to be late” she took your bag pulling you along
“We have three hours till boarding... I haven't flown as much as you but even I know that's more than enough time” you rolled your eyes biting of your sandwich
“If you get Garrotxa all over my backseat Bitsy you'll pay for the cleaning” Keira threatened you slightly but smiled at you nonetheless
“As if... I'm a Bronze – we don't waste food” you smirked as you let her pull you into a hug
“True with your sister... but you always had very wary eating habits” she chuckled before pressing a soft kiss to your temple “Still can't believe you got hooked on Garrotxa”
“It's the spaniards fault... the made me try...” you huffed
“I didn't thought anyone can MAKE you do anything” the blonde laughed lightly as she slipped into the drivers seat while you got into the back
“Tweedledee and Tweedledumb dared me... not backing down from a dare” you spoke with a full mouth
“Why don't you take another bite, Bubs.. I understood so well what you said” Lucy said at your display of non existing manners
You were about to talk back as Keira quickly shot you down with a short harsh “eh”. So you swallowed your bite before speaking again
“Said tweedledee and tweedledumb dared me...” you said shrugging your shoulders
“And when they dare you to jump off a bridge would you do it???” Keira asked bewildered
“I mean... I would asked with or without a rope and if they say without I would want to see the bridge first....” you shrugged your shoulders again not really getting were the blonde was going with her questioning while Lucy barked out a laugh
“Dear Mary mother of god” Keira sighed “You're going to give me a heart attack one day Bitsy”
“You lived a happy life... isn't that what's important? Dad always told me that the steak I'm eating had a very happy life and that's why it's okay to eat steak...” you said nonchalantly smirking when Kei hit the breaks quickly and the car behind her honked aggressively
“Strike One Bitsy” the blonde warned you “You remember what happened at strike three?”
“Yes” you mumbled out remembering when you pushed Keira so far that she actually grounded you
“Good... since I can't use that anymore I'll warn you.. three strikes and I'll make sure Leah is going all Capitan on your ass...” Keira smirked
“I'm not part of the squad... she isn't my Capitan... she's yours” you threw back
“Oh we all know that's not true... you are very much a part of the team and we all know if Leah wants to you run laps until your feet bleed” the blonde smirked “So don't push it”
“Ugh” you just huffed and sank back into the seat
“What a good girl” Keira praised you teasingly as she smirked knowing she won the argument
20 Minutes later the three of you were pulling into the big Airport of Barcelona and Keira parked her car in the parking lot.
“Bubs... no running off... no lurking about and no going into shops without one of us informed” Lucy said firmly
“I'm 16” you whined
“Yeah... you really sound so grown up” your sister rolled her eyes as she got out of the car getting hers and your bag out of the trunk
Keira held her hand out for you and you burgundy take it as the blonde smiled at you.
“It's for your safety and our nerves..” Keira smiled as she held your hand tightly walking inside the airport.
Immediately there where phones turned towards you three and you started to feel uncomfortable what Kei of course immediately noticed since you grabbed her hand a little tighter
“Relax...” the blonde said lowly as Lucy did her best to cover you from the fans who obviously took the chance to take photos and videos of their idols “Ignore it... We're here and if they want something from you they have to go through me and Lucy first... breath Bitsy”
You tried your best to just listen to Keiras soothing voice but it was oh so hard since the fans got a bit... excited to see Lucy and Keira coming into the airport together and since you weren't very much known outside of the inside football world they wondered who you were. Your sister always tried her best to keep you away from prying eyes since she knew how hateful social media could be and how you were still working through your issues. She never would forbid you to use social media however you please but when it came to photos or videos (either from fans or the official photographers) she tried her best to keep you out of the spotlight. You once had a run in with a photographer at Lyon and it ended with her pulling rank with her name to have the picture removed from the internet. As for now she relented to pull your hoodie over your head as you kept your head down anyway trusting Kei to lead you and not let you run into things. When you all reached security you gasped in relief letting out a breath you didn't even noticed holding.
“You did good Bitsy... I'm very proud of you” Keira said keeping her voice low so no bystanders would hear her
“Thanks Kei... never gets less scaring when they flip their shit like this” you mumbled as you felt a hand on your shoulder squeezing lightly
“Good job Bubs... so proud of you for not freaking out” Lucy smiled warmly as you copied her movements to get through the security area
You haven't flown as much as Lucy or Keira so you seeked their guidance with how it works.
“Belt too Bubs” your sister said warmly as you were about to step forward – Keira already through the body scanner waiting for you and Lucy waiting behind you so you wouldn't get freaked out
“But... then I'll loose my pants” you whined
“You won't... but the bloody thing will scream like you murdered a pig if you try to get through it with a belt on” Lucy said calmly
“Speaking of experience?” you smiled
“In fact... yes...” your sister smiled “forgot I was wearing one”
You recutlanty took off your belt holding on to your pants as you stepped into the body scanner. The security guard waved you through a couple of seconds later and you grabbed onto your pants again as you hurried over to Keira who waited for you with open arms to pull you into a soothing hug. As if on cue the scanner behind you started to ring loudly and you quickly turned around as you saw your sister rolling her eyes at the machine. Two more security guards got over to her as she stepped out of the body scanner her arms spread her hands facing upwards.
“Don't worry Bitsy... Luce is used to it... it's always her” Keira chuckled as she saw your uneasy face
The female security guard patted your sister down while her two male co-workers stood nearby if something went south. Two minutes later your sister was waved off to go on and she came over to you and Keira
“Knew it... those bloody things hate me I swear” your sister grumbled
“Maybe they're fans and it's not a annoyed ringing but a machine wolf whistle” you mused shrugging your shoulders
“Sometimes I wonder what is going on in your head but then I decide I'm better off not knowing” Lucy looked at you bewildered
“You wouldn't be able to follow my geniusness anyway” you stick your tongue out at her
“You constantly get in trouble... nothing genius about that” Lucy shrugged your comment off as she lead the way to your gate
You were seated right in front of the gate on your own as Keira went to get something to drink for the three of you and Lucy was off doing - whatever as you noticed four girls whispering and looking over at you. Keira forbid you to interact with anyone and since you weren't in the mood for it anyway you just nodded and stuffed your Air Pods in texting your girlfriend that you made it successfully through security. Her reply was instant that she herself just got of the plane at Heathrow and she couldn't wait to see you again. You smiled at your phone as you felt someone sitting down next to you
“¿disculpe?” you heard since the music you were playing wasn't loud as you don't want to disturb other passengers but you acted like you didn't heard the girl.
“¿Disculpe?!” she tried again this time louder
Obviously now you didn't had a choice other than to react since people already were turning towards you. So you pulled out one Air Pod looking at her expectantly
“Huh?” you asked trying to give an “please just royally fuck off”-vibe
To your annoyance the girl started to talk to you in spanish obviously not understanding that you just want to have some peace. You made out the words “Keira” and “Lucia” (it still sounded so wrong in your ears that you couldn't stop the eye roll even if you would genuinely tried) and “Barca” and “fan”. You didn't even tried to interact with the girl as you just put your earplug in again starting your Spotify going back to text Georgia. But the girl just didn't give up as she touched your shoulder quite firm and you yelped and sprung up. Thankfully Keira chose this moment to come back immediately putting herself between you and the girl. You were now placed behind the blonde who spotted her famous angry game face talking animatedly with the girl – most likely a very VERY firm scolding. You knew Keiras scolding tells having been on the receiving end quite a few times. Now you also felt an arm around your shoulders making you jump again just to feel the side hug tighten and you felt the familiar calm presents of your sister
“Time to board Bubs” Lucy mumbled after she carefully pulled your earplug out.
“Please tell me I don't have to sit anywhere near her” you said a little pained nodding towards the girl who went back to her friends
“No... we're flying business … she doesn't look like business” Keira said reassuring pushing a water bottle into your hand “I want you to drink at least half of it until take off Bitsy”
“Why?? That will make me need to pee and I'm not going to the toilet at five million feet in the air” you exclaimed upset
“Because you're not used to flying and staying hydrated is important otherwise you'll get a killer headache later” Keira explained calmly knowing you just need an explanation and most of the times you're good with that
“Flight is only two hours, Bubs... you can sprint to the toilets in Heathrow” Lucy smiled as she pushed you down the bridge towards the plane
“We're flying Heathrow???” you stopped dead in your tracks looking with big eyes at your sister
“Of course... what did you think?” Lucy looked at you confused
“I thought were flying Stanstead” you said starting to smile
“Nope... Heathrow” your sister confirmed
“Perfect” you grinned discreetly pulling out your phone
“Huh?” Lucy looked confused at your sudden mood change “You were at Heathrow like a million times... it's not like they changed anything”
“Oh no... but I love the sight flying into London” you grinned while Keira noticed you were texting someone
So she decided to lean over to you as Lucy pulled her phone out herself to text Ona that they were about to board
“If I remember correctly G is flying into Heathrow as well” the blonde smirked knowingly
“Possible” you started to fidget
“Hm... tell her to wait first floor Sierra 5” Keira smirked at you leaning back again to not raise Lucys suspicions.
G and you will have enough of Lucy around that Kei was more than happy to give you a little uninterrupted minute – even if it was in an airport and there were probably some fans around.
“Thanks Kei” you mumbled gratefully
“No problem Bitsy... you both deserve to be happy” the blonde squeezed your hand lightly as she pushed you towards your seat.
“Can I have window??” you asked hopefully looking with puppy eyes at your sister
“Ugh... the things I give up for you” Lucy rolled her eyes for good measure but let you slide into the window seat.
Two hours later the plane touched down on english soil and you couldn't contain your excitement your knee bouncing up and down quickly. Lucy laid her hand soothingly on your knee trying to calm you down
“I know you're happy to be back home but PLEASE calm down... your making me nervous” your sister said her voice low reading the situation completely wrong
You didn't care about England – you cared about Heathrow airport. More specifically first floor Sierra 5 – whatever that means
“Sorry” you mumbled biting down on your lip preventing you from grinning
The second the seatbelt sign was turned off you leaped out of your seat to just get pulled back down by your sister
“Wait” Lucy sighed out annoyed fixing you with a glare while Keira chuckled in the row behind you
“Calm Bitsy... won't be long” Keira scratched the back of your neck from her spot behind your seat
You whined impatiently starting to bounce your knee again until you remembered something
“I need the bathroom” you whined setting up your story already
“Gosh Bubs... really now???” Lucy rolled her eyes
“Kei made me drink a whole bottle of water!!!” you exclaimed
“I mean.. I did” the blonde shrugged her shoulders winking at you
“Just a few more minutes” your sister said
Finally she got out of her seat letting you get up too. You exited your row getting sandwiched between Lucy and Keira as you got out of the plane.
“Okay... off you go... we meet at exit B in 20 minutes.. we need to wait for our baggage” Lucy waved you off as you started do speed walk towards the baggage claim belts
“God... finally...” you mumbled
“Bubs!!” Lucy held you back for a moment “Where do we meet?”
“Exit B... 20 minutes” you repeated and shuffled from one leg to the other for show
“Good... off you run” she let go of your wrist and you continued your speed walking
You found section “Sierra” which was just section S on the first floor quickly and after some searching (and walking into the wrong direction first) you were standing in front of the sign that spotted a big 5 on it. You turned into every direction if you could see your girlfriend somewhere but no such luck.
Suddenly you got grabbed from behind getting pulled into a kind of secret door which led to a secret hallway obviously used from the staff to keep the airport running without the travelling people noticing. Before your brain could catch up and you started to scream you felt a pair of lips on yours. It took you a few seconds to register what was happening but than you kissed back with just as much hunger. When air became a problem you gently pushed against Gs chest getting her to back up a little bit
“Fuck I missed you” you panted out
“Missed you too” Georgia practically purred and laid her forehead against yours as she pecked your lips again
“Have about 13 more minutes and you need to leave before us so Lucy won't flip her shit” you mumbled but pulled your girlfriend down to meet your lips again by her neck
“Mhm” G sighed as she put her hands on your waist before letting them wander to your ass squeezing lightly
You moaned quietly into the kiss pulling yourself up by her shoulder jumping up slightly before locking your legs around Gs waist as she supported your weight easily backing you into the wall.
You separated panting hard and locking your eyes
“We need to stop... right now” you breathing laboured
“Sorry... sorry” your girlfriend apologized immediately her breathing just as flat
“NO.... don't be sorry... but if we don't stop right now we won't stop for a long time... and I plan to have you all to myself in a more fitting environment” you mumbled against her lips leaning into kiss her again
“Think Lucy will let us off easy?” your girlfriend asked between kisses
“Nope” you snorted pulling her closer again as your alarm went off
“Need to go... we're exit B... So get out any other way and be at the hotel before us... I can buy you about 15 minutes” you said as G gently put you on your feet again kissing you passionately one last time before leaving.
“Where is she??” Lucy said looking stressed as she glanced left and right
“She'll come... calm down Luce – she knows her way around Heathrow” Keira said calmly
“Sorry... got held up” you came to a scattered halt next to your sister “I found that shop and...” you rambled on as your sister narrowed her eyes at you
“Come on Lucy” you grabbed her arm pulling her back inside the airport as your girlfriend left said building two door downs, wearing a “London” cap and a pair of sunglasses as a disguise, locking eyes for a second she gave you a smirk as she waved at Keira quickly who of course caught on immediately
“What are you doing? Our car is waiting” your sister stumbled slightly behind you
“Good... it can wait a minute longer... I want to show you” you smiled happily as you pulled her further along
You picked out a small souvenir shop in the distance pulling your sister towards it showing her a “I Love London” shirt smiling brightly
“Seriously?” Lucy looked at you bewildered
“It's cool” you said pressing
“No.... and I'm here for work... come on Bubs” your sister said annoyed pulling you back and outside to shove you into the car waiting for the two Bronzes since Keira already was sitting inside smiling
You exit the Multivan that picked Keira, Lucy and yourself up from the Airport huffing a little bit as the cold english wind grazed around your face and you pulled your hat deeper into your face. Your sister was already five steps ahead basically running up the stairs to the Hotel entrance. Keira got out of the car after you chuckling
“Not used to the english weather anymore, Bitsy?”
“I understand now why Luce chose Barcelona... it's fucking freezing... why aren't you cold?” you asked her as she just smiled at her
“It's a bit chilly I must admit...” Keira started as you interrupted her
“You sound like fucking royalty... it's a bit chilly” you rolled your eyes imitating her
“Careful there wee one...” she warned you but smiled noneless
“What's her mission?” you asked as you watch your sister standing in front of the entrance looking like she's mentally preparing for a World Cup final
“Oh she's probably looking for G... you remember... the “talk”...” Keira grinned watching as all colour leaves your face and you frantically pull out your phone shooting your girlfriend a one word text “HIDE”
“Lucy!!” you shouted sprinting after her as you watched in slow motion how your sister entered the Hotel lobby
“STANWAY!!!” you could hear her yell once inside while you sprinted up the stairs stumbled over the last step nearly fell but catched yourself just in time to not face plant either into the glass door or the concrete
“Lucy... please... don't...” you panicky started as you entered the lobby to just find your sister looking around confused
“Where is she?” Lucy asked into the round of Lionesses who just looked at her with pure confusion on their faces
“Welcome to camp Bronze... who exactly are you looking for?” Millie said bewildered
“Yeah hi” Lucy answered quickly still looking around “I'm looking for Stanway”
“She was here just a second ago” Ella said starting to look around too
You also scanned the Lobby as you received a text from Georgia which just contained a picture of the group and you standing a little to the side. Your head snapped up and you tried to figured out from which direction the picture was send. As you finally spotted some blonde hair hiding behind one of the large bushy plants just a few feet away from the group you had to hold back the laugh that threatened to escape your lips.
“Where is she??” Lucy now fixed her eyes on you
“Don't see her” you shrugged her shoulders but your eyes quickly glanced to the stairway and you hoped your sister would take the bait
God you really knew her. Of course Lucy picked up your rapid eye movement and went for it straight on as she turned towards the staircase and you could see her brain working before quickly running towards the door.
“Toons... get me the elevator... go” you shoved your best friend “I've got about 90 seconds to get my girlfriend out of here”
You saw Lucy stomping threw the door and quickly signalled to G to get to the elevators. All while most of the Lionesses started to chuckle.
“You little...” you heard your sister yell through the lobby just as the elevator doors were closing
“Sorry...” you smiled innocently trying to hug your sister “But I don't want you to kill her – you wouldn't survive in jail with your knee”
“You're lucky I'm obligated to love you” Lucy mumbled pulling you into a hug “But I will get her at some point”
“But not right now” you mumbled against your sisters shoulder
“Lucy!!” you heard the only voice that make your blood boil
“Hey LJ” your sister pulled her into a side hug while still holding onto you and you growled lowly but before you could snap at the intruder
“Alright Lionesses!!!!” you suddenly heard Leah Williamson speaking up “Welcome to Camp... It's nice to see you all again... we're doing Rooms now then you have time to change and shower and then meeting in an hour!”
“Aye Skipper” the group replied
“Okay... Walsh and Stanway” Leah called out holding up two room cards which Keira picked out of her hand
“I'll tell her when I find G” the blonde grinned winking at Leah who just grinned back
“Bronze and Russo” Leah called out
“YES!!” Alessia and you high-fived
“Not you y/n... Lucy Bronze... I'm not THAT stupid!” the blonde Capitan interrupted you
“Man...” you whined as you saw Lucy got the two room cards
“Earps and Toone” Leah said ignoring you
“What have I done???��� Mary asked confused and her tone had a whine
“Come on Mearps... that will be so much fun” Tooney grinned as she tried to get the cards but Leah held them out to Mary
This went one for a couple of minutes until there were only a few people left – and at this point you actually would choose Lotte. You never were particular close to Lotte but she was nice enough too you. Sadly you just weren't that lucky
“And that leaves... Bronze and James” Leah summed the room assignments up holding out the last two room cards
“WHAT??” you asked her angrily
“You... and LJ... one room.. not that hard, poppy” the blonde Capitan said knowing you wouldn't be happy
“HELL to the NO... I'm NOT sharing a room with... HER” you growled pointing towards the young player
“You will... you will suck it up and act as grown up as I know you are” Leah said lowly not getting your anger get to her
“When hell freezes over I'll share with... I wish I could say what I want but I already have four sets of 15 on my hands... not adding a fifth one” you growled out between gritted teeth
“Calm down... be open and you'll may be surprised and maybe you discover that you and LJ are not that different” the blonde spoke lowly
“You have no idea what you're talking about, Williamson” you sneered and Leah just considered if she really made the right call on the matter since you never called her by her last name
“If you really want we can swap okay...” Leah offered holding her hands up in surrender
“No... no... don't want to mess up the team spirit” you growled as you turned around leaving the lobby
“Y/n!!!! You're NOT leaving the hotel on your own” Leah yelled after you for you just to flip her off and keep walking
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I’ve been deliberating for a couple days now and have decided to discuss in-depth about Kim Dokja and the tendencies of putting his life on the line. For most of the novel, I was split on whether I should view KDJ as a self-sacrificial bastard or a suicidal character. And by the end, I’ve reached the conclusion that he is both.
Before I elaborate further, it should be noted that while we all meme about KDJ’s dying count, he actually isn’t that careless with his life. What I mean is he sacrifices himself usually as a last resort, plans A to F didn’t work and it’s the only option left to hope for kimcom’s safety-ditch effort. Usually. We’ll circle back to that when we bring up OD. But his sacrifices are always done as granting his companions salvation, utterly blind to how they feel about it. But to understand his constant need to do this you have to first start with where he learned how to love. Lee Sookyoung’s love was sacrificial, she’d take the brunt of her husband’s rage to shield KDJ, she’d take on blame for his death and be incarcerated for years so Kim Dokja won’t discover the truth. All of this, in my opinion, unbeknownst to KDJ, imprinted onto him this interpretation of love. As nobody else until the scenarios began had loved him (Yes HSY technically but he doesn’t know that). Which gives the irony that multiple characters KDJ resent in the story such as Kim Namwoon, his mother, the constellations are ultimately revealed to be reflections of himself.
Another component to his self-sacrificing is “Kim Dokja the reader”. I’m not going to dive deep into how orv interweaves dissociation and escapism into its narrative, I’ll do that some other day. But KDJ views himself as the reader, an outsider, the sole member in the audience watching the story unfold before him. Yes he grants commentary, the players notice and acknowledge his existence, but he isn’t part of the play. So if he decides to step out of the auditorium for a while, if he decides to leave a bookmark where he left off and close the book, nothing should change. The story will continue in his absence, the characters cannot possibly miss him because Kim Dokja was not a character. He was not part of their world so even if he’s gone, the ending will still happen. And that is something I want to stress here.
KDJ says “he wants to see a certain story’s epilogue”. Specific choice of words, “see”. He doesn’t say he’ll be part of it,that he’ll be with them, or any close variation of those phrases.
This is where I want to diverge to talk about KDJ's suicidality. You can say “Ok then, KDJ has a clear goal in mind to reach the ending he desires. Yes he may feel the need to step out of the story every now and then, but he does so reluctantly. So obviously, he doesn’t want to die.” And you wouldn’t be wrong really but that simplifies it to an overwhelming degree. That’s how I initially thought of it until I realized how complicated it actually is. Because most people who deal with suicidal thoughts aren’t searching for death but rather feel there’s no other choice. It often isn’t as clear cut as 1863 YJH who, anyone that read this arc will say with certainty that he was suicidal. Yes KDJ isn’t chanting in his mind over and over that he wants to die but why does he want to live? To see the proper ending of a web novel that stopped him from attempting again to begin with. Over the course of orv he finds people he loves and who love him back deeply. People he longs to live for but despite that because of the disconnect between them, his self-loathing, accompanied with what I said before, believing he has no other way out of these threatening situations. Yeah it’s to save his companions but in the end Kim Dokja still feels the need to die. Even if you do not see KDJ as a suicidal character, it is undeniable that so much revolving him, the impact it has on those who care for him, and the visceral descriptions used to convey their thoughts, is a direct metaphor for that.
Or in a few cases, straight up what’s going on and now we arrive at what I think was the final straw for Kim Dokja. Meeting the Oldest Dream. For me, this is THE scene of orv. The biggest twist and what finally irreparably broke KDJ. Prior to this, Kim Dokja had become the “Enemy of the story” but it was unlike his previous dances with death. This time he truly had no intention of dying, he wants to be a part of the ending with his companions, he understands now that his sacrifices do hurt them. That according to him “I, someone of no redeeming quality, could be loved by the others.” That he is a character and that just maybe, he does deserve to live happily ever after with them. And then Kim Dokja meets a 15-year old boy with the same face as his, doodling in a notebook his ideas for Ways of Survival and a notification tells him to ‘Please end the Oldest Dream’. All of that progress is shattered in an instant.
KDJ tries to excuse himself by recalling his promise to SP to kill OD but we all know if that was any other kid, he would not have tried to kill them. He would’ve hesitated much more, he’d look for a loophole, he would’ve tried talking which is his biggest strength for every corner he gets into. Killing them would not be the first option but now it is. Because this isn’t an instance of sacrifice anymore, KDJ is sick of himself. OD is a presence that confirms KDJ’s worst fears. That he’s meant to be weak and pitiful and alone, that he was always an outsider, that he unintentionally causes pain and misfortune to people he loves, that everyone would be perfectly fine and better even without him. And Kim Dokja is the physical manifestation of them: a monster. And there’s only one way to get rid of this monster.
The chain of events from him swinging his sword at OD, trying to stab himself with the blade only for YJH to stop it desperately with his hand, everyone restraining and begging him to stop, KDJ crying and screaming for SP + the other Outer Gods to kill OD. Everyone else is forgiving him and KDJ is only thinking of getting a blade.
This is Kim Dokja’s relapse. It’s real, it’s harrowing, and he never recovers from it. He reaches the conclusion that he has to be alone, it’s his atonement, it's what he deserves. So he splits himself 49-51. I interpreted this when I first read it as presenting 49% of what you believe people want to see. More real than a facade but it’s not the true you. The true, fucked up version of who you are is trapped in a prison of your making, trapped in a darkness you feel you don’t deserve to escape. Which is why it’s so powerful that KimCom went after that 51%. They didn’t want just their version of KDJ, they wanted everything KDJ is including the larger side of him that he wishes didn’t exist. But the plan fails, they managed to turn that full stop into a comma but they couldn’t save KDJ. Because you can’t drag someone out of that train, out of that mentality, you can’t force someone to love themself. All you can do is reach out to any corner, every worldline you can and let them know you’ll always love them. That you’ll always love every aspect of their story and hope that perhaps one day, they’ll accept your hand and believe it.
[ID: Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint art by Blackbox: first of Kim DOkja smiling, seen through a space in a bookshelf, and second of astronaut Yoo Joonghyuk floating upside down as letters float around him. End ID]
#The pain rollercoaster that is orv#Kim Dokja is one of the best characters ever#love that potato#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kim dokja#yoo joonghyuk#han sooyoung#orv novel#orv spoilers#dark thoughts#TW#tw sui ideation#essay#character breakdown#tags#manga tumblr#manhwa#sing shong#kdj#orv
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it doesn't erase our specific experiences to acknowledge there's nothing we face that trans femmes don't also, plus they have to deal with misogyny on top of that. acknowledging that men are privileged over women under patriarchy doesn't erase specific people's experiences, that's not how axes of oppression work.
there's nothing that we experience that trans femmes don't? are you shitting me right now? have you memory holed Abigail Shrier's irreversible damage and the entire wave of terfism that came with it, reproductive healthcare access, rape statistics? does the name Brandon Teena mean nothing to you? I'm not trying to give an exhaustive list, people have been detailing these things for a long time. I'm not going to sit here and list out every possible thing I can think of. you can find that all if you want it. I believe @genderkoolaid is keeping an archive of transmasc-targeted violence.
if you believe that there are transfem specific experiences with transphobia, why can you not also believe there are transmasc specific experiences?
seperately, to address the other point:
trans men also have to deal with misogyny. many of us are still treated as incorrect women. i still have noticeable g cup tits, which people are happy to point out in an attempt to trigger my dysphoria or discredit my masculinity. I was forced to wax all of my body & facial hair monthly, while my stepmother and her beautician friend sat in the room and laughed at how ugly and mannish my pubescent body was from age 12 until I moved out of my family home at 17. do you think these kinds of traumatic experiences with misogyny just stop existing once one decides to transition? trans men and mascs experience extreme misogyny, daily. you're being obtuse if you think we don't.
men are priveliged over women in a vacuum, yes. do you think that no man can ever be "as" oppressed or "more" oppressed than a woman? what institutional power do trans men have as a group? I'm trans long long before I am a man, and even if I'm ever viewed as a man by the cis, I'm still seen as a faggot and thus as incorrect by the cisheteropatriarchy. do you think there are no experiences worth talking about, there? do you think trans men can't have a unique perspective? why do we need to defer? why can't we be on equal footing and just talk?????
#I'm not responding to any more of these asks unless you say something REALLY stupid so better make it good anon#the system speaks#transandrophobia
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Alright, let's talk about Colin's entrapment line and why Penelope offering an annulment was significant, shall we? Arguably the most controversial part of this season, isn't it?
I'm not going to delve too long on the entrapment line again actually, but to summarise, Colin has been traumatised by a similar situation before, and right now, he's hurt. And the thing about being angry with your best friend is that you know what to say to hurt them the most. We see it in Eloise's and Penelope's fight, as they threw each other's insecurities in the other's faces. Colin, two episodes ago, was defending Penelope against Portia, who was accusing her of entrapping him, so yes, his mind will jump to that first. But also note that the whole time he refuses to look at her, because he knows his words are cutting and will hurt and he knows his resolve would break if he looked at her, which is contrasted by Penelope directly looking at him to tell him she loves him and did not mean for this to happen like this. He does not look because he knows she loves him, this is not Marina's situation exactly who only wanted a way out and did not see him as much else than a means to an end, and that's why it's so much more difficult to deal with for him. Penelope loves him.
And he's already almost lost her once, as angry and hurt as he is, he cannot fathom the idea of letting her go, when he remembers how empty he felt without her letters, or at the idea of her with Debling. So he's still here, determined to marry her.
So now we get to e8. The marriage was not technically consummated, and the Lady Whistledown business is finally settled. So Penelope offers the annulment, to set him, and his family, free from her mess.
They never directly address Colin's entrapment comment again, but with Penelope offering the annulment, it is now implied she's been thinking about this the whole time. It is a very real possibility that by that point, Penelope already knew she was pregnant, and it's been speculated if she told Colin in that scene after Francesca's wedding or not (I personally don't think she did, to not add to his guilt at that moment, and perhaps to not influence his decision, knowing she would be offering the annulment soon) and it parallels Marina's situation again, except in this case, Penelope does not wish to trap Colin with a baby, even if it is his. She knows how much Marina impacted Colin, and does not wish to do the same thing she had prevented Marina to do. The best part about this though? Colin is stunned (Edit: I changed the adjective here as someone rightfully pointed out I was exaggerating by saying "flabbergasted" when his reaction is more on the subtle side the English language is the bane of my existence). Frankly, he probably forgot he even said that, the same way he forgot about his "I would never dream of courting Penelope Featherington" comment - those were words said in the heat of the moment he never actually believed. Not once has Colin thought of either breaking the engagement, or get an annulment even after the betrayal.
He could have still eloped with Marina even after learning the truth, but he didn't because she was not honest with him from the start. He learns Penelope has been living a double life this whole time, and yet he stays.
It is significant that Penelope listened and acknowledged Colin's point of view, the same way she asked him to simply stand by her side and support her. Also note that she never says "our family", she says "you or your family".
Despite already being married, this whole time, it did not feel like they were, and she knew that as long as there was still this barrier between them, she could never truly be part of that family, but it's alright, she could live with that, she has mended things with her own after all, and she can support herself. Whatever the outcome, she'll be alright, she believes.
Fortunately for her, she does not get to find out what that future would entail because Colin absolutely hates the idea of letting her go.
Because after all, she's a mess, but she's his mess.
#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#bridgerton thoughts#colin bridgerton#penelope featherington#polin#star.txt#you know i'll defend colin on this site to the ends of the earth#however i am still upset he never did apologise for that#i appreciate he went straight for the love confession though!
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Mine - JJ Maybank One Shot
+18 Minor DNI Fluff & Angst
JJ x KookExGirlfriend!Reader
⭐️ republished ⭐️
+18 Minor DNI
🪄 warnings: language, name calling, child birth and it’s side effects.
📖 JJ’s ex is pregnant and the baby is his 💕
5k
Reader’s POV:
JJ has come by every day since the breakup, never at the same time. His beautiful blue eyes still find a way to catch mine. I iced him out completely, ghosting him only a few weeks after we made it official.
We had been pining after each other for years, rushing into everything when we finally got what we both wanted. We never once thought about playing it safe, fucking raw in the back of his Bronco that night, and every chance we got after that. We couldn’t get enough of each other… Every time we were alone, our hands were on each other, clothes thrown across the room, tangled up in sheets.
“Fuck that,” was the last thing I heard him mumble to John B before he and his friends disappeared for weeks. They talked about hooking up, girlfriends, and how the last thing they want to deal with is a pregnant one after John B. and Sarah had a scare of their own. ‘We’re too young. They’re too expensive. I’m not ready for that shit. Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? There’s no way in hell’.
And here I stand.
Nine months and five days along, hiding it from him because, at this point, I’d instead go at it alone. I didn’t know where he went, and when he came back, something had happened. I could tell something was going on with him and Kiara. The longer I was away, the closer they got. He seemed happier with her. I can do this myself… even though I don’t want that. Not at all.
He still calls me from time to time. Usually late at night when I’m already asleep. JJ doesn’t always leave a message, but when he does, it’s a jumbled mess of drunken words.
I’ve shut out all my friends. The only people that know are my parents and the little old lady next door. They think it’s some random tourists. My parents kicked me out on my ass after I decided to keep the baby. 'You think you’re so grown? You think you can handle this pinching pennies? What kind of life is that?’ They gave me up that day. 'If you want to act like trash, you can live like trash.’
But who’s the actual trash here?
As much as I wanted to return to my simple life, I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t bring myself to get the abortion they were more than willing to pay for. I went from a Kook to a Pogue in a matter of seconds. And, at my twenty-week appointment, when I saw that little boy in my tummy, I knew I made the right choice.
I snagged an office job pretty fast: a beautiful spot, a real-estate agency close to the beach. The clientele is great, Pogues with just enough money to hire someone to sell their little shacks instead of doing it themselves. Work, community college, sleep, rinse, and repeat. I’ve saved enough to buy a crib and some basics… Stopping by the thrift store just off Figure 8 to nab some Kook’s hand-me-downs. I want to give this little boy the life he deserves… I want to prove my parents wrong.
I’m sure they’ll have a change of heart after the baby is born, rushing to plunge that silver spoon straight into his mouth and 'save him from all this.’ But, come to find out, this life saved me. An existence under their thumb is not where I wanted to be. I don’t want to raise a Kook. I want to raise a Pogue. I just wish I knew what I was doing. I really wish I had Jayj.
You look out the large front window, watching as he passes by, surfboard looped under his arm as he steps toward beach access. His eyes drift your way, turning ahead before he disappears again. Shit. You look down at your stomach, watching the baby turn, your round tummy rolling with the baby’s movements.
Like clockwork, you’re hit with a braxton hicks contraction. Your belly squeezes taunt, breathing strained, causing you to draw little breaths, blowing them slow. You look up at the wall, watching the clock strike 5. Yes. Grabbing the armrest, you struggle to stand, pressing yourself up. You waddle toward the door, turning the open sign to close before nabbing your keys.
The warm summer air kisses your skin as you pass through the door; the sunset paints the sky in the west. Fuck. Your stomach contracts again, a contraction so intense you have to grab the brick wall for support, eyes screwing shut as you breathe through it again. “Hey…” Your heart sinks, eyes flashing open as you meet JJ’s wide gaze.
“Hi,” you force the word through tight lips, still clutching the wall.
“Are you okay?” He asks gently. JJ’s stare falls down your body, landing on your bump, your hand cradling the bottom out of sheer practice.
“M'fine,” you whimper as you turn quickly, clipping toward your shitty little car before he can ask anymore, tears brimming in your eyes.
JJ’s POV:
I watch her car slow-roll over the speed bump, steering through the parking lot into her tiny carport. My muscles are tense; emotion pooled in my eyes as I watch her battle to get out of her car. I know she’s pregnant. I didn’t ask. It was the first thing I wanted to blurt out. Even though my dad’s a grade-A asshole, he still taught me that shit ain’t polite. I just didn’t think she would disappear that fast. She grabs the handrail, heading up the steps, pulling open the apartment door before falling out of sight.
Everything was fine until I left… And, when I came back, she was gone. She fuckin’ vanished, dropping me for no one, from what I’ve seen, at least. She’s shut herself in completely, never coming out.
I couldn’t help but check on her every chance I got. Make sure she’s okay. I should have known something was off. Her family’s loaded. There’s no reason that Kook Princess should be hanging out around here. She should be off at some fancy-ass college, living the dream. The second I saw her in that office, red flags should have been waving left and right, but they didn’t.
She didn’t want to talk. I could tell… The look in her eye was enough to let me know to stay the hell away. That, paired with the fact that she never called me back. Most of the time I wasted… I can’t lie. It was probably for the best. But she saw my number and chose to ignore it; decided to leave it unanswered. Somethin’s goin’ on… Maybe she’s gotta new boyfriend. There’s no reason why she’d be here otherwise… Unless there’s more to the story.
Maybe all this is 'cause I told her I loved her. I don’t know, but that’s the last thing I said before I left. And I still feel it. I still love that woman. Maybe she wasn’t ready. Maybe she was ready, and I left, and she started to second guess everything. I mean, how could she not? I vanished, then she did… Can I really fault her for doing the same exact shit?
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
My body jumps, chills running down my spine as headlights flood my rearview mirror. Goddamnit. I’ve gotta make a decision, in or out; am I gonna do this or not? I stomp on the gas, speeding ahead, barreling away as my tears break free.
She was a good girl before she met me. I wasn’t a virgin, but she was. She gave that to me. I don’t think she was sleeping around with anyone else.
That baby’s mine. I know it.
Reader’s POV:
DING.
You drag your body over to the microwave, snagging your TV dinner. The apartment is quiet, just the lull of the evening news playing in the background. Plopping down on the weathered couch, you snag the remote, flicking through the channels aimlessly until you find your comfort show, snuggling in a little more as you swirl your spaghetti on your fork.
Grabbing the remote, you turn it a little louder, trying your best to drown out the thoughts raging in your head. The interaction with Jayj, the horror in his eyes, the way you left, fleeing the scene altogether. I miss him. Every part of him. God, he is so fucking beautiful. Those goddamn eyes, and that perfect face, his voice. I - DRIP. DRIP.
You look between your thighs, a wet spot gathering on your sweatpants, dribbling onto the floor below. You pinch the bridge of your nose, expiring a frustrated breath. As if this day wasn’t mortifying enough, let me add pisses your pants to the list… You close your eyes softly as a tinge of nausea sets in as well.
Maybe if I take a shower, I’ll feel better… You rise to your feet, liquid continuing to trickle its way down your leg.
Shit…
Is this it? It wouldn’t be far-fetched. I’m past my due date. Did my water just break? You feel your bottom lip wobble, muscles stiffening as you face reality that that might be the case.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
Fuck. You look down at your soaked pants. I don’t want anyone seeing me like this.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
“One sec, Dot,” you call out for your neighbor.
“Umm… Hey. I-It’s JJ,” you hear his muffled voice behind the closed door. Everything stops; your body, frozen as you watch him through the little kitchen window, just a crack of sight through your curtain. No. You shuffle toward the bathroom, clutching your stomach, a new sensation of emptiness you hadn’t felt before.
“Ow… Ow… Oh my god,” you gasp, holding the bottom of your stomach. “It’s fucking happening… No. Fuck!” You scream, another contraction rocking you. The soft knocking turns into a loud bang. “Let me in, y/n. P-Please. Are you okay? What’s going on? Talk to me, sweetheart.”
You grip the doorframe tightly, trying to center yourself, to no avail. The room starts to spin around you, stomach churning, mouth salivating. Am I going to throw up? Why am I gonna throw up? You trip slightly on the rug, falling to your knees, crawling the rest of the way toward the toilet.
“Y/n?” JJ yells as he frantically fiddles with the doorknob, knocking at the glass trying to open that as well.
“Ja-” You go to answer, letting out a cough instead, emptying your stomach into the bowl. Then you hear it: metal on metal as the doorknob twists.
“Y/n?” JJ stutters, his boots bounding toward the bathroom. “Are you okay? Are you sick?”
“Yeah,” you cry as you see a look of sheer panic in his eyes. “Why are you here?” You whisper.
“I-I… Umm… I don’t know?” He spurts as he moves a little closer. “Do you want me to c-call your parents?”
“No!” You shout. “Don’t. Please. I don’t want them here,” you yell. JJ’s eyes open wider.
“I’m sorry…”
“No, Jayj. Don’t apologize.”
He kneels close, rubbing your back softly. “Did you need me to clean up out there for you? Do you want me to get you a new pair of pants? Or maybe a glass of water? A rag? You want a rag? Yeah?” You throw up in the toilet again, causing JJ to release a sympathetic gag.
“Jayj… you can’t do that,” you groan.
“I’m sorry. M'sorry, y/n,” he sighs, trying to compose himself. “Here.” He grabs a scrunchie off the counter, gathering your hair in a ponytail.
“Thank you.” You grip the toilet tightly, trying your best to calm down, but it’s simply momentary. “Fuck,” you howl, your pain wrapping around your back to your front.
“Y/n, s-shit,” JJ whimpers, dropping his head in his hand. His own personal panic setting in. “Are you - fuck,” JJ tries to speak, but the words aren’t easy. “Are you pregnant?”
“Is that not clear, Jayj,” you cry. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“What?”
“I have to go to the bathroom, JJ!” You scream, voice bouncing off the walls as you feel pressure building between your thighs.
“O-Okay. Of course. Do you need help standing?”
“Will you get me a bucket first?” JJ nods at you rapidly. You let out a loud cry, whole body pain, indescribable hurt. “Fuck!” You scream.
“Should I call 9-1-1?”
“The bucket, JJ. Please!”
“Okay. Alright. Sorry. S-Sorry!” he panics, running out of the bathroom. You hear him bang around in the kitchen, talking himself into a frenzy.
“Grab anything, JJ! Please!”
“I’m sorry!”
“Jesus Christ. It’s fucking hot in here.” You rip off your shirt, tossing it to the side.
“This! Okay… This will work,” he cheers breathlessly, running back into the bathroom with a pot. You quickly tug your pants down, taking a seat on the toilet. You draw the pot under your chin, breathing deeply.
“Fuck… this feels so much better.” You moan, feeling slight relief in this new position. A new heat rises in your cheeks, humiliation brewing as you feel the weight of JJ’s gaze on you. The last night he saw me, I was in a paisley sundress, his arms around me, lips locked on mine. I felt beautiful. JJ always made me feel that way. He told me he loved me. That girl. Not this one. I can’t believe he’s seeing me this way: tummy round, naked, sweaty, sick, and in pain. All I can do is cry.
JJ walks over, kneeling before you as his beautiful blue eyes search for yours. “Y/n, we gotta get you to the hospital. Okay?” His voice is gentle and calm. JJ tucks some sweaty strands of hair behind your ear as you match his watch. You can see his eyes getting glassy; he’s also completely and utterly overwhelmed, still trying to stay calm for you.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” you mewl.
“Hey, s'okay. You’re gonna be alright. We just gotta go, baby.”
Baby. The guilt hits you next, hard and fast. How would I feel if roles were reserved? How would I feel if this secret was kept from me?
“JJ… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
JJ swallows thickly; the tears pooled in his beautiful blue eyes break free as he looks back at you. “The baby’s mine?” He fights the words past his lips.“This is amazing… I just - I. Fuck. It’s okay, honey. But, why - Why wouldn’t you just tell me, y/n?" He whispers, his voice hoarse and broken with emotion.
"I didn’t want to ruin your life, Jayj. We had just started dating-”
“Ruin my life? Why would this ruin my life?” He cuts you off in disbelief. Your muscles tighten, a sharp pain radiating as you try to remain in the moment with him. You can see his face change with yours, seeing the pain in your eyes. “Let’s go. Let’s get you to the hospital,” he whispers as he rests one hand on your cheek, the other set lightly on your tummy.
“I can’t move, J,” you whimper.
“I can carry you. Okay? The hospital is only five minutes away. I can get you there in three. Fanciest driver in The Cut. You know that. Yeah? We’ll be there in a heartbeat. Everything’ll be fine. We’re okay. Okay?” He sniffles, lifting the neck of his white tee shirt to wipe the emotion out of his eyes. “Let me get you some clothes, sweetheart.” You nod in reply, gripping the counter tightly as you battle through the pain of another contraction.
JJ races back into the bathroom as fast as he came out, handling you carefully as he tugs on your oversized t-shirt and shorts. He guides you to your feet, helping you into your Converse sneakers, tying them tight before lifting you into his arms. You clutch onto him as you ride out another contraction, burying yourself in the crook of his neck. Your tears wet his shirt as he walks with you toward the door, stepping out into the night. “You’re okay, baby. You’re alright," he soothes, kissing you gently on the temple.
JJ tugs open the door of the Bronco, setting you inside before sprinting around the front. JJ flicks the keys, making the engine roar. He throws it in reverse, peeling out of the parking lot before skirting onto the main street, making you clutch the grab rails for support. "Shit. Sorry, princess,” JJ winces as he sees the fright in your eyes. He thrusts his hand into his pocket, thumbing through his cell phone as he dodges through traffic.
You can see the tears still sparkling in his stare; JJ’s jaw coiled tight as he listens to the ringing on the other end of the line. He’s terrified, just like you, his phone trembling in his hand. “Hi. Uhh… Shit. My girlfriend and I are on our way in. She - she’s…”
“In labor,” you whisper, helping him along.
“She’s in labor. We’re about two minutes away. Uh… Umm, let me ask,” he breathes, eyes snapping your way. “How far apart are they? Have you been timing them?”
“Timing what?” You ask sheepishly, watching as JJ’s eyes lighten on yours.
“Your contractions, baby.”
“I don’t know,” you whimper, cheeks hot with shame again, your ignorance on display. He probably thinks I’m an idiot. I should know this. Why don’t I know this?“
"S'okay," he whispers. JJ looks down at the dash, eyeing the little clock.
"Fuck, Jayj,” you sob, the pressure of another contraction setting in.
“Shit. Sorry - sorry, I’m here. Umm… Like four minutes tops? Yeah. Mhmm… She’s close,” he whispers, making your heart skip a beat. “Yeah. Yeah - The front. We’ll meet you out there.” You try your best to keep your eyes open, vision blurry as you see the hospital sign glowing like a beacon in the night. JJ stuffs his phone back in his pocket, reaching for your hand instantly, weaving his finger in yours before drawing them up to his lips. He kisses your hand, lingering on your skin, hiding his quivering lips.
“Motherfucker!” You scream, driving your heels into the floor of the SUV; yet another contraction barrelling through your body as you pull up to the curb. JJ grits his teeth as you squeeze his hand tight, surely drawing blood.
JJ’s POV:
“Take a deep breath for me, y/n,” the nurse aids. Y/n’s eyes slam shut, her beautiful face scrunching in discomfort as the nurse checks her further. “Okay… 10 centimeters,” she says calmly. “I see some hair.” Y/n’s eyes remain shut in fear as she nods her head frantically. Her little hand squeezes mine again; the only relief she can get this far along. I can’t believe she almost did this alone - all by herself. What if she couldn’t have made it to the phone?
Why can’t she call her parents? Why is she alone in the first place? Why wouldn’t she just tell me? I feel my thoughts start to race with the beating of my heart. “Y/n,” I whisper. Her gaze matches mine, sending me into a spiral as I see the speckles of red against the whites of her eyes, popped blood vessels, and tears pooled in the corners. Heat rises behind my eyes again as I swallow the lump in my throat. “You’re doing so good, y/n.”
“M'not,” she hiccups, hand clutching her little bucket as she waits for her tummy to turn again. “I let you down, Jayj. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m scared. M'not fucking ready-”
“Y-You’re ready,” I stammer; the stutter in my voice deceives me, but I mean every word. “You didn’t let me down. I went into your room, y/n. I saw the crib, all the clothes you have hung in your closet, the baby book with all the Post-it notes sticking out. You’re ready. 'Course you’re scared…” My voice fades to a hush as she tucks herself in my neck. I’m instantly struck with Deja Vu, thrown back into the night that changed everything. The last night she was mine… I clear my throat, beating my lashes shut.
“The baby’s a boy, Jayj,” she whispers gently.
“Yeah?” I ask happily as I choke back tears, feeling her nod against my shoulder.
“M'sorry, Jayj. I-” Y/n fleeting words turn into a wail, nails digging into my forearm.
“Please don’t apologize, y/n,” I soothe, kissing her head. “You’re so strong, baby girl,” I whisper in her ear, feeling her muscles contract.
“We’re going to need you to start pushing, y/n.”
“I can’t,” she whimpers.
“You can, baby. You can.”
“You know how you feel like you need to go to the bathroom? Push like that. Okay?” Y/n shakes her head no.
“You’ve got to, baby. A'ight? You’re amazing, y/n,” I breathe, moving closer. She presses her forehead against mine, gritting her teeth. “You’re safe. Okay? You’re safe.” Y/n presses her quivering lips against mine, taking my breath away. Those lips… Holy shit. My hand wraps around the back of her neck, drawing her even closer. “I missed you," I whisper shakily.
"I missed you too, JJ,” she echoes.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, Jayj,” she whimpers.
“M'not goin’ anywhere. M'not leavin’ you. Okay?”
“Okay,” she sobs.
“Y/n?” The nurse calls. “What’s your pain level when you have a contraction?”
“10,” she soughs.
“You’re going to have a contraction in a few seconds. We’re going to need you to push hard. When you feel it coming on, take some deep breaths. When you hit 10, push. Okay? JJ, we will need you to count to ten for her. Y/n, we want you to push all 10 seconds.” I can see the shift in her face; her pain, increasing. Her grip on my hand gets tighter. Y/n’s eyes shift to mine, giving me a nod.
“10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…”
“F-Fuck!” She screams, her eyes slam shut as her body trembles in pain. “S'not working,” she snivels.
“It’s working. You’re doing a great job. Just a few more pushes,” the doctor assures. “This next one might be it, but you’ll have to push really hard.”
“Did you hear that, baby?” I breathe, my lips resting on her forehead. “You’re doing so good.”
“You’re doing a great job, Y/n,” the nurse whispers. Y/n’s eyes flutter shut, wincing in pain, tears streaming down her cheeks. She doesn’t believe a word of it.
“10… 9… 8… 7… 6…”
“Ow… Ow… No. It burns,” she wails. The words catch my throat as I push back tears.
“We have him. Keep pushing.”
“5… 4… 3… 2… 1…”
She lets out a guttural scream; the doctor catches a baby, drawing him out. “Oh my god,” I breathe.
“Oh… H-Holy shit,” she whimpers. “Is the baby okay? Is he breathing?” I hear the baby’s high-pitched cry. A wave of relief crashes over me. Y/n dissolves in my arms as we look out for our little boy.
This was the last thing I expected, the furthest thing from my mind when I woke up this morning. But, now, here I am. Here he is. Here she is, my beautiful fucking girl. We made him… He’s ours.
“I’m so glad you came, Jayj,” she cries.
“Me too, baby. Holy shit.” I grab a towel from the nurse, blotting the tears and sweat from Y/n’s face. “You did so well, y/n. Fuck. You okay, honey?” I mumble before meeting her lips.
“M'okay." God, I can’t stop. I kiss her deeper, making y/n smile against my lips. "I missed you,” she whispers.
“I missed you. Fuck, I missed you so damn much,” I sigh.
“You’re going to be such a good dad-”
“You’re going to be such a good mom. The best mom. The baby’s so lucky to have you as a mom,” I babble, kissing her forehead and cupping her dewy cheek. I hold y/n tightly, watching the nurse cradle the baby in her arms. She sets him on the towel, cutting and clamping the umbilical cord.
She walks over, resting the baby on Y/n’s chest, and in that moment, I feel a shift. Everything seems a little clearer: her, him, and they’re both mine. My heart feels like it could fucking burst as I look at him in her arms. He’s so tiny, so small and fragile. I just want to keep him safe.
Y/n’s lips rest on his tiny head, a pink and blue striped bonnet covering a mess of blonde hair, just like mine. “Jayj,” she whispers, extending him to me. I draw the baby close, blinking, my tears gone. He’s so peaceful; his eyes shut tight. I can feel the warmth of his little breaths against my skin.
“Wow,” I sigh, looking up at the ceiling as tears fall. Y/n rests her head on my shoulder. We’re okay. Everything’s okay.
“You look beautiful,” I breathe.
“You’re a liar, JJ Maybank.” Her nose scrunches, eyes rolling away. Fuck. I missed her.
“I’m not. I promise.”
“You’re never going to want to have sex with me again,” she chuckles through a sigh, hands resting on her once-rounded tummy.
“You jokin’?” I scoff. “Been dreamin’ about that for the last, what, nine months now? S'the first thing we’re gonna do when we get outta here.” Y/n chuckles as she raises an eyebrow, making me double back.
“6 weeks, Jayj,” she whispers as her flushed cheeks blush even more.
“No…” I gasps. “You sure? I thought you said you didn’t know what you were doin’, princess. Gonna need to fact-check that shit.” I give her a taunting look, making her roll her. “M'just kiddin’, sweetness.” Taking out my phone, I flick to the calendar, checking the dates. “The 24th, baby girl.” Y/n lets out a sleepy little laugh, tucking herself in my arms again.
“Babysitter?”
“Mhmm… Whoever you want,” I soothe.
“Sarah and Pope.”
“Ah, Cameron and Heyward. Couldn’t agree more, baby.” She snuggles in a little closer, her eyes on the little bassinet, watching the baby sleep. “So…” I sigh as I take a deep breath.
“You wanna know why I’m officially a Pogue, Jayj?” She asks weakly.
“Yeah… I’ve got a few questions, princess. That’s a good start,” I mumble, resting my lips against her temple. She takes a deep breath, expelling a laborious sigh.
“Umm… Well, my parents didn’t want me to have the baby-”
“Stop,” you whisper, shaking your head 'no.’ “I think I know where you’re goin’ with this, and I can’t hear it. Alright? I don’t want you to say it either. Please.” Y/n bites her cheek. “I’m so fucking sorry - m'so, so sorry.” I cup her cheek, kissing her lips. “You got me… You got all my friends - you’re friends. This baby will be so loved, y/n. I swear.”
“Okay, Jayj.”
“Thank you for not doin’ that, baby. I just - I can’t even imagine that now,” I breathe, feeling my throat tighten as I watch his little chest rise and fall.
“It was never an option, Jayj,” she whispers.
“Why didn’t you tell me, y/n? Why did you think it would ruin my life? Why did you break up with me-”
“JJ,” she breathes as she rests her hand on my chest, grounding me again. “That was a huge fucking mistake. I’m so sorry. We had just started dating, and then you left. And, right before you left-”
“I was talking to John B about what a nightmare this shit would be…” I cut her short, dropping my head, nodding as I put the pieces together.
“When you came back, Jayj, I didn’t know what to do. And, I saw you with Kie, and you looked like the two of you had somethin’ goin’ on. Between that and my parents, I felt it would be easier for everyone if I went at it alone.”
“Kie is just a friend. Alright? She always has been. And life isn’t easy, y/n,” I whisper. “You know that just as well as me. Doesn’t mean that the hard isn’t worth going through. I swear I will be here for you both if you’ll let me.”
“Really?” Y/n asks shakily.
“Please, y/n.”
“I need you, J. I want you in my life,” she whispers, an unease in her tone like you may say anything but the apparent 'yes.’
“I need you too, princess.”
“I wasn’t lying to you, Jayj. I don’t know what I’m doing,” she warns. “I have read books, sure, but if today showed me anything, it let me know I’m not fucking ready.”
“S'not true, honey. I’ve seen you with him already, and you’re a natural. We’ll figure this whole parenting thing out together,” I smile. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, Jayj.”
The lights are low; the sky is dark, only the glow of the television casting light in the room. Drawing back the blankets, I climb inside, pulling her back into my chest. I focus on the sound of her breathing, the way she fits in my arms, just like I remembered, just like I dreamt about. Her soft, supple skin and the sweetness of her perfume surrounds me.
There’s a soft knock on the door. “Come in,” she calls. A hospital worker walks in with a bouquet. Y/n smiles brightly, setting them down on the counter. Reaching over, I snag the card from the top and pass it to her; a little smile stretches on her lips from the sweet gesture alone. “To our newest little Pogue. Welcome to the family, baby boy. Love, Aunt Sarah, Uncle John B, Aunt Kiara, and Uncle Pope.”
Y/n reaches up, brushing the tears from her eyes as I do the same. “Your friends are pretty special, Jayj,” she whispers.
“Our friends, baby,” I smile. “They’re gonna be so happy to have you around again.”
She smiles and nods before tucking the little note back into the bouquet. Tonight was horrifying… a stark contrast to this moment. The woman I love is no longer in tears, no longer in agony, no longer scared. She’s my light… My safe place.
“What were you gonna name him, y/n? I’m sure you already have something in mind.”
“Jaxon James.”
“JJ?” I hum happily as I pull her in tight. Her sparkling eyes match mine, a blissful smile setting in her perfect lips.
“He looks just like you, Jayj; your nose, your hair, your eyes,” she sighs dreamily. “He’s perfect.”
“He’s so damn cute. Oh my god,” I whisper; catching a glimpse of his round cheeks and pouty lips.
“Can he have your last name, Jayj?”
“Oh wow,” I breathe, her question alone conjuring up yet another round of tears. I flutter my lashes, doing my best to keep it together. “Of course, baby. Thank you. That means a lot to me… You mean a lot to me,” I whisper.
“You two mean everything to me, Jayj.”
I hold her cheek in my hand, brushing her buttery-soft skin with my rough thumb. “We’ll start with him, then you, of course. When the time’s right.”
“Yeah, Jayj?” She whimpers through tears.
“I never stopped lovin’ you, y/n. Of course, I wanna be with you forever. Let’s start with the first step. Huh? Will you be my girlfriend, y/n?”
She grabs my face, lips crashing into mine as her body language alone screams 'yes’. My hands fall down her body; the familiarity of her in my arms feels just like home.
“Of course, Jayj.”
“6 weeks. Huh?” I tease, peppering kisses on her beautiful face through a gravelly laugh as she giggles and smiles.
“I love you, JJ.”
“I love you too, baby.”
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