#yes it's delusional but you just dont know how to have fun

[beltsourcookie]

there is nothing hetero or normal about the way shadow milk and pure vanilla are drawn together

it is delusional, it's deranged, and very unhinged and has bitter, gay tension undertones

[landograndprix]

lucky charm ✾ c.l

summary – what's meant to be will always find a way

a/n: added something new to it, also google translated french & italian so dont blame me pls :') requests are open! ♡

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y/nusername

Monte-Carlo, Monaco

liked by yourbestfrienduser, arthur_leclerc and 101,761 others

y/nusername Oh à la maison, comme tu m’as manqué ♥︎ (Oh home, how I've missed you ♥︎)

view all 219 comments

yourbestfrienduser missed u ❤️

y/nusername missed you more ❤️

hannahh back home for good or just for a while? :))))

y/nusername just spending my week off with friends and family, will be going back to Milan soon!

friendsuser1 have fun! 🥰

norrizz04 can I be friends with you all?

sharl16 I like to think she's in Monaco for Charles but we all know that's not true :(

leclerc_16 Charles is not even in Monaco, he's in maranello rn

sharl16 i didn’t sign up to be a child of divorce :(

dannyricric they unfollowed each other on all their socials, I don't think we'll ever get to see them back together 😢

tifosi5516 call me delulu but Arthur, lorenzo and their gfs still follow her and that's what's keeping my hopes up 😭

cl_15 girl come to the next gp because your ex man is doing a shit job right now 💀

zhouey lmao girl would you support your ex?

cl_16 if his name was Charles leclerc, yes ☺

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y/nusername

Milan, Italy

liked by isahernaez, francisca.cgomes and 142,671 others

y/nusername una nuova settimana con giorni come questi.

(a new week with days like these.)

view all 299 comments

bott-ass the thing I'd do to live a life like this...

yourmomsuser fier de toi ma chérie 🥰 (proud of you, darling)

y/nusername maman je t'aime ❤️

y/nusefan1 stop it adopt me into the family please :((

francisca.cgomes you need to tell me where you got that skirt from

y/nusername made it myself baby, what color do you want..black? 😉

francisca.cgomes you know me too well 🥰

pierressswife love that this friendship is still going strong 😭

landoscar well yeah she broke up with Charles not with kika..

charlesny/n wearing red? 👀

charlosss_ girl stop being delusional, can't she just wear something red without being linked to ferrari or charles lmao leave her be

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scuderiaferrari

Autodromo Nazionale Monza

liked by charles_leclerc, carlossainz55 and 256,981 others

scuderiaferrari a weekend to remember 👏

first podium of the year! 🏆

#MonzaGp @/charles_leclerc

view all 1,763 comments

tifosired well done Charles!! 🔥

mikeklein let's goooooooo!

sainzz55 Charles p1, Carlos p3 VAMOSSS!!

chrlsleclerc man went from being a midfielder to p1 all of the sudden..not like Milan is far away from monza..if you know what I mean..

zhouey24 the way I tried to catch a familiar face in the paddocks and ferrari garage the whole time 😅

chrlsleclerc same 😔

teamferrari55 I want to thank @y/nusername for this and no I don't know if she's the reason for this sudden change but let's just thank her 😂

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y/nusername posted on their story

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y/nusername

Paris, France

liked by yourbestfrienduser, charles_leclerc and 166,212 others

y/nusername thank you dior for having us ❤️

view all 301 comments

pierrelexlerc bestie manifesting another win for her man by wearing red, love to see it 😍

byelando red was the theme of the event, kika and her friend were all in red

pierrelexlerc girl let me have this 😭

lunaar the only 3 who really stuck to the theme though 😭

francisca.cgomes had the best time ❤️

yourbestfrienduser ❤️❤️

y/nusername ❤️❤️

thurthur Charles liked and that's all I need to know

millieeev dress??

y/nusername my own 😅

maxmaxmax you better start your own business soon because I needed half the stuff you make in my closet 😩

charlieee16 p1 for Charles this weekend I see

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y/nusername

Mexico City, Mexico

liked by pierregasly, charles_leclerc and 178,624 others

y/nusername kik & I. I & kik ♥︎

tagged: francisca.cgomes

view all 361 comments

leclercc16_ no but everyone is in Mexico right now, please tell me you're on the grid this weekend

youdidaverstappen you're in Mexico? 😭

daneel1990 two pretty best friends 🥰

francisca.cgomes just two explorers exploring 🌏

pierregasly two explorers who got lost.

chilisainz 💀 💀

y/nusername we already thanked you enough for picking us up. Sit down.

pierregasly could use a feet massage.

y/nusername ask your boyfriend.

piarles10 nah but the way I've missed the banter between Pierre and y/n 😭

joleeneei so pretty 🥰

gasleeyy this is pretty much saying they're back together..right, why else would she be in Mexico with kika AND Pierre? 👀

charles_leclerc

liked by y/nusername, arthur_leclerc and 356,891 others

charles_leclerc p1 and my lucky charm ❤️

tagged: scuderiaferrari, y/nusername

y/nusername fier de toi ❤️ (proud of you)

ferraricharles the way I screamed when I saw you at the podium 😭

marlie002 same 😭

ryaanvee fred holding onto y/n like you ain't going nowhere girl 💀

vamoscarloss petition to make y/n ferrari's mascot and sprinkle that luck over the whole ass team

tifosired mom & dad 🥰

marcusss wdc is coming closer and closer 🔥

lekerk_16 always said those two would get back together, that's some soulmate shit 😇

norry4lando soulmates for sure

[gailhai1storm]

You are the closest thing I have to an Ender’s Game mutual and you like the mechanisms so I inflict this brain dump upon ye (/lh)

Ender Runs ends up on his own at some point after the war ends and the end of the first book (Preferably the closer to the end of the war because I think it makes this a bit funnier and more angst potential) and Ender ends up finding an unfamiliar ship and wondering on to assess the danger or if it’s like right after the war in a state of extreme emotional distress and The Aurora decides hmm let’s take in this traumatized genius child after the fixes something while mumbling to himself. He hides when he hears people coming on the ship they seem very rowdy and violent ( like seriously that Johnny guy just threatened to shoot somebody because they didn’t want to go out for dinner) and they takeoff and now we have the entirety of the mechanisms and Ender Wiggins on the same ship

I personally would make it so the mechanisms just absorb this traumatized genius child who committed Xenocide into the crew he can keep a beat an is just messed up as the rest of them and Ender finally gets some “responsible” adults in his life

Sorry for dumping my delusional happy crossover on you but you gotta do what you gotta do

dont be sorry this is so rad oh my god!

idk if you write fan fic but if you wrote this I would read it so fucking fast you don't even understand.

ender would have such a time with the mechs I think he would be trying so hard to analyst those fuckers and I don't know how the fuck that would go but it would be fun!

god im inain abou this too now.

that you

[babiebom]

What Kind of ~dere the bachelorette's would be

A/N:it's the girl's turn<3333 it took me 5ever to finish this for some reason. I'm only writing it now because i'm watching doctor who and need 2 different kinds of stimulation and i have no snacks tbh(doctor who started buffering so now im watching the little mermaid Im not trying to give play by play of me writing this but Im so hyped rn and its 2 in the morning)

TW: maybe some spoilers, maybe some cursing, idk yet nothing that bad! There is some brief mention of childhood trauma and abuse on Penny's part but nothing graphic.

Genre: Headcanons

WC: about 10 bullet points per person

Abigail

Hiyakasudere

Penny

Described as light-hearted and flirtatious, often mischievous and playful on the outside and constantly teases their loved one as a sign of affection.

Would playfully bully you to try and make her crush on you not obvious

Makes it painfully obvious to everyone but you

"This sunset is cool but you know whats cooler?" "What?" "My sword collection"

Probably smacks you when laughing

Smacks you when you do something funny

Laughs extra loud

"Lmao I'll fight you idiot"

You two probably get in trouble to playing around in serious situations

Invites you to the mines with her

Or to the woods past the wizards tower

You two probably get into trouble together and think its funny that you were attacked by slimes

Does make fun of you even when you get together

"Ew you have a crush on me that's so embarrassing"

Undere

described as a "yes-man" to their loved one no matter what the consequences are their devotion doesn't allow them to betray their loved one easily and is an extension of the Goudere characterization.

OR

Leah

A Kekkondere

Which is described as some who believes in love at first sight and wants to get married right away. They have a deep desire to remain close to the person they meet for better or worse and this can sometimes evolve into them becoming a yandere type

So I could not choose which she fit more so I will try to fit everything within 20

I feel like due to her being a more submissive type in my mind that she would 100 percent be a yes man

Especially with a woman like Pam as her mother.

She has probably learned that disagreeing with her led to consequences that she does not enjoy.

So due to her childhood trauma she is more likely to just agree with whatever you say

And even if you try and get her to actually say her own opinion I don't think she fully grows out of it but it develops into a more shes a yes man because she feels safe.

Does not matter what will happen to her you are her main priority now so it is whatever you say goes because this is her fairy tale ending

On the other hand I think she is on par with us fanfic girlies on how delusional she is

Spends time constantly reading romance novels and imagining herself as the female love interest or heroine

So when she meets you and is immediately attracted to you

It turns into oh yeah this is love at first sight

This is meant to be because look at how i feel

This is like in the books I read

And she wants to get married very quickly

Brings it up maybe once at the beginning of your relationship

If you dont agree she doesnt say anything again

Just tries to manipulate you into marrying her quickly by doing wifey things

She will put it on you and make you wanna marry her

Will have you forever and ever just don't try to leave because she will enter yandere territory

Deredere(explained on Emily's part because I did hers first)

Honesty I thought none of these fit her thoroughly

Shes too....normal I guess?

At least to fit these categories

She's literally just an artsy girl i don't know

Like shes a creative but not delusional like Elliott so yandere is out of the question

Especially because her last relationship moved at a pace she disliked and was going to restrict her and what she wanted to do

So obviously shes not going to be the type of partner to hold you back in any aspect

But shes not going to let you run over her

Shes just a stable adult

Love that for her tbh

Could never be me where can I learn to become a Leah?

Emily

Deredere

Described as someone who is energetic, kind, and caring and while they show their affection to their loved one they can still hold normal relationships with others.

The sanest one here

Would not let herself get swept up in romance to the point of where its her whole life

There are other things she has to worry about

Like her sister, the wellbeing of all of her friends, being the chilliest woman on the planet

Emily tingz

Is the least likely to do something deranged because she knows that your relationship is stable and she doesn't need to do anything special

Because you love her for her and she loves you for you

Like yeah shes a weird(affectionate) person in general

But I also think she's the oldest out of the bachelorettes(hcs maybe?)

So she does have a clear head most of the time.

Amd she has probably been around and knows that she doesn't have to be crazy because trust is a good thing and luckily she has trust in you

Was probably insane in her younger years and its why shes chill now

Tbh overall a green flag

Maru

Hajidere

Haley

Described as someone shy and nervous around their crush and can socialize with anyone who is not them. Usually blushes or gets flustered at them making the first move

Gives me vibes like she will become super clumsy in front of you

And 100 times more socially awkward

Will stutter and trip over her words

Or drop things

Is the definition if the shy anime girl tbh

"O-oh Farmer! D-did you s-see that?"

I cringed writing that pls

Like it isn't very apparent in the game she just gives me these vibes

Especially because she does sort of go on about her sciencey stuff but i think that's just her being a nerd

I feel like she would be fine before she has a crush

But the second she realizes her feelings it becomes a problem

Obviously you notice but I think you would be too nice to say anything

Unless you're an Abigail type then ofcourse you say something

Becomes dumber the longer you are in her space because you're so attractive and now she cannot breathe

Mayadere

described as someone who is usually the antagonist who switches sides after falling in love with the main character. Usually first appears hostile or intimidating but a change of heart allows them to reveal their true feelings later on

Mostly this because I think she's a butch

But then she becomes cute after getting to know the farmer

Honestly I did not really like her and wanted to fight her up until I actually started gaining hearts with her

So I feel like this fits totally because like

She was the antagonist of my story at least

And she became cute and lovable the second she started feeling feelings

Like with one of her heart events

You literally take pictures with animals

She gets mud in her hair and doesn't even complain like

How she got me on her side Idk

Would probably be the type of girl to be like

Oh farmers here? And then very loudly say things like

"Oh yeah i could TOTALLY grow a few crops no big deal AT ALL"

"Did they hear it? You think they want me to move in yet? Do you think they're in love with me yet? Of course they are i'm Haley duh."

Not quite tsundere because she wouldn't do the whole "its not like I like you" thing

She would make it clear that she likes you but that she's the prize and not you

Sometimes is still hostile before she remembers she can let down her walls.

Its a journey to get her to say what shes actually thinking about certain things but you get there!

[uhhhitsme]

002: Duke Keane?

002 | Give me a character & I will tell you

How I feel about this character: 

All the people I ship romantically with this character: 

My non-romantic OTP for this character: 

My unpopular opinion about this character: 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

my OTP:

my cross over ship:

a headcanon fact:

one: i am so sorry for the extremely late response. i started writing this yesterday and finished the questions but then my page reloaded and it all got sent to shit and it was 12 am so i just. gave up. two: youre so cool btw thank you for all the lovely comments on my fics :DDDDD three: so hahahahahah i havent watched nmt2. and by extension have not seen killer track. ITS FINE.

HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER: i desperately need this guy to give me a hug none of you get it. it would actually fix me. like im being so serious right now maybe some of you gay fucks (/lh) want to dick him down i need him to give me the biggest hug in the entire world it would make my entire life so much better. i absolutely adore him with my entire heart---he treats hannah nicely!!!!!!! in the witch in the web!!!!!!!!!!!! he's so freaking sweet to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his dynamic with ms. holloway is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he desperately wants to do good for the world, to make a change in someones life, to help others, and that sparks so so so much joy i love him so much.

ALL THE PEOPLE I SHIP ROMANTICALLY WITH THIS CHARACTER: well obviously. ms. holloway. THE power couple of all time. wilbur because it would be funny. and. uh. ted. NOT BECAUSE ITS A BUDGET CURTWEN SHIP. WELL YES. A LITTLE. but also because i read two wonderful fics by amythestunarmed (?) (i think) on ao3 that dstroyed me and i desperately am in need for more content their dynamic is so cute.

MY NON ROMANTIC OTP FOR THIS CHARACTER: probably him and rose. i dont know anything about rose but idk i feel like theyd be a fun duo.

MY UNPOPULAR OPINION ABOUT THIS CHARACTER: okay so i dont really get why i see people all the time being like "everyone treats duke as a sidekick!! we need more love for duke!!" like idk man. he seems pretty popular to me. i see a billion trillion analysis posts for him all the time. maybe because im not really that into the hatchetfield fandom i like dont get it but 🤷 i do think he deserves the attention i love him so much the guy ever!!!!!

ONE THING I WISH I WOULD HAPPEN WITH THIS CHARACTER: guys im delusional i genuinely think he and ms. holloway could have a happy ending in miss holloween. i know they wont get it. BUT PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE THEY LOVE EACHOTHER. PLEASE ITS NOT FAIR. PLEASE. IT MAKES ME SO UPSET PLEASE I WILL DO ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. JUST LET THEM LOVE EACHOTHER. PLEASE.

MY CROSSOVER SHIP: uhhh i dont neccarily have one but someone should put him with keith swanson for the sillies

HEADCANON: i think ms holloway has a thing about pie??? he doesnt actually like it but he comes to the diner all the time to eat it anyway because homeslice is down BADDDDDD. this might contradict canon but it would be really funny to me if he's shit with animals. or on the flipside. he's TOO good with animals. they follow him around all the time and he doesnt know how to make them go away. modern snow white fr

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 9 react

COLOR PAGE????

COLOR PAGE!!!!

since when did shinra have blue eyes though

actually i just looked up images of him but what fucking color are those?? blue?? gray?? brown??

shinra is benedict cumberbatch i guess

also shinra beating izaya at cards (and especially poker) is hilarious i need more of that

shinra please tell shizaya to kiss. do it for me

THIS IS SO CUTE AHHHHHHHHH

shizuo and izaya agreeing with each other when it comes to preventing shinra from straight up killing them lets go!!!! plus shizuo asking if shinra cheated because izaya lost ashdkgjsdkjghdssd

izaya totally cheated and still lost he's so pathetic <33333

the way he says "then" after that though like. he was actually considering dissection and money laundering PFFF

yes eat lunch together i promise it wont go horribly wrong

they've really never done this in canon though?? maybe i just read too much fanfiction about it

oh i guess they definitely havent done it before 😭

maybe this is a start. maybe they do it every day after this

izaya's cat face is so cute rhfhrgjhhjgh

only shizuo and izaya would be so baffled at the idea of eating lunch together help

like if these were ANY other people they'd be like oh sure why not! not these losers

watch the entire chapter just be them stalling help

THEY FINISH EACH OTHERS SENTENCES!! married couple behavior fr fr (<-delusional)

they havent argued once in this chapter yet so im taking everything i can get ok

the only things that will get shizaya to be on the same wavelength are eating simon's food and being afraid of shinra

THEY'RE SO CUTE!! the holy trio of malewives

i choose to believe that was both of them saying 'shinra shut up'

meals for the family man because they're going to start a family together (<-delusional but like. more than usual)

i sense a food fight incoming

oh yeah this is going on my twitter banner

cant believe we have two whole chapters of shizaya cooking together in the minidura manga. out of ten chapters. probably representative of how the mangaka was cooking fr

SOMEONE REPLACE THIS WITH THE GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY MEME RIGHT NOW

izaya would be the one out of the two of them to make moe anime girl noises (my entire friend group)

honestly how has shinra not gone insane from dealing with these two for the entirety of high school

scratch that he is insane my bad

it's like herding cats, not because they keep going in opposite directions, but because they keep fighting

of course they disagree on food tastes too. someone's leaving this kitchen with a broken spine

ive just stopped screenshotting and started posting entire pages because everything is gold

"are you that confident in your tongue" i bet you ten bucks that i could find that line in a shizaya smut fanfiction in less than 20 minutes

at least shinra's having fun

married couple behavior for sure. who doesnt bicker while cooking together

oops

shizuo would be good at cooking if izaya wasn't provoking him 😭maybe. idk the milk drinker genes might hinder him actually

for a moment there i thought they were going to have no food at all bgkjgsjsgdk

izaya and shizuo look so cute in the back thoughhhh look at themmm

shinra. shinra why would you say that they're going to kill each other. shinra. SHINRA

oh nvm i guess they were too tired to argue 😭being in forced proximity for this long is literally harder than chasing each other

wait whats that psychology term for it again. group. something. group goal SUBORDINATE GOAL thats it. a goal given to two opposing groups that forces them to cooperate and will usually eventually make them like each other more (it has never worked for shizaya. see the simon chapter) (also excuse the psychology terminology i have my final test in a month or so and this is the only way i can force myself to study)

so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee

shinra sitting between them pfft

izaya's cat face actually kills me every time

either the food is amazing or the food is dogshit and i dont know which one would be funnier

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

ok thats better than either of those options

this chapter has literally just been shizuo and izaya Going Through It

"everyone should get along like me and celty" is he saying shizaya should date. yes he is because i said so

also izaya moving even further away from shinra LMFAO he'd rather be in hitting range of shizuo than have to deal with shinra's celty shpeal

there's so many good reaction pictures with shizaya this chapter ill definitely be cutting them out to make into a banner at some point

im convinced this serves as a precious memory for both of them even if they dont realize it >:)

99999/10 chapter i enjoyed every second of it

[edible-star-soup]

“how can i feel so much love for everyone around me but its not romantic”

“How can I feel so much for people but every time I think it’s romantic I don’t actually like them and I’m just delusional”

“oh”

“Yours must suck so bad. I can’t even imagine loving and feeling things for people but it never being romantic. I do like people on the infatuation level sometimes but because I analyze them so in depth there’s always something that icks me out. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved someone tho. I’m a firm believer in if you loved them you wouldn’t fall out of love with them. You can move on, but you’ll always love them.”

“we are so different”

“why?”

“just our beliefs and experiences”

“oh”

“maybe you need to stop analyzing things that are only there for you, see what theyre showing, instead of what you think you see”

“No I analyze what they’re showing. Cause when you ignore your instincts that’s when you get hurt.”

“oh”

“i dont go like psycho crazy in depth like learn their every aspect to analyze them. Just like the orange peel theory”

“the what?”

“You ask them if they’ll peel an orange for you, If they say yes, even if with hesitation, it shows that they will put effort in. If they straight up say no or make excuses, it shows they don’t wanna put effort in because that’s your job. Anyways I don’t know how to explain my thinking but like I don’t analyze everything. Like ofc there’s people that are date material I just don’t like them. Cause everyone has mistakes so yknow. It’s not like every little mistake or imperfection matters but”

“ill never get you”

“ill never get me either. Maybe i should just mess around and have fun kissing everybody like you do”

“idk man i guess i just feel like maybe im falling behind, i feel so much for so many people and i want to love them like a lover would and make them feel happy like a lover would, and i feel bad knowing that everyone will always have someone that will make them happier than i do. no matter what i do about it, i cant love them like they want. and its worse because someone will put into words all they want in someone to love and ill be everything they list but i just, cant love them”

“oh”

“no because i feel romance i fall in love with everything around me all the time and i know what its like to want and to love and be loved but its just not a romance like how others perceive it. i have so much feeling for absolutely everything, but its just not what somebody wants to be with, because i cant love them like they want, but i do.”

“I don’t know how to explain how I feel, I like people and there are people that I would date if given a chance but I don’t like them. I don’t desire to be with anyone but I crave romance. I don’t like people very often but on occasion I do, But I don’t wanna do anything about it because I’d rather sit with my feelings than lose that one ray of hope”

“oh my god were different”

“yeah were different”

“i think everytime we talk personally we get more and more different, or just find more differences”

“Like there’s nobody I want romantically but I WANT a love life. And when I do want someone I can’t do anything about it cause the only time I feel human is when I like someone and I don’t like not feeling human. i just float around. like a damn jellyfish. But when I like someone I feel like I exist. So I can’t do anything about it because if and when they say they don’t like me back they’ll disappear and I’ll be inhuman again. i dont know how to explain it better than that. i just want to feel man. Like ofc I occasionally feel real. But most things just don’t feel real at all.”

“i promise theres more humanity in you than just your feelings for others, if that helps”

[jadzio]

Hey, I know it's been a lil while, and that you're busy, but I've been wondering about something. In the past, you have mentioned that Velvette is your favorite character from Hazbin, and I'm curious - what's the reason for that?

It mostly surprised me because of how little screentime she gets (I believe she has roughly 4 scenes, where she got to speak). I have also had instances where I came to really love side characters that the story didn't put much focus on, but I also don't recall any of them ever making it to my number 1 spot, so yeah.

But I will admit that I enjoyed her quite a bit. Her VA did a great job, and I do like the fun archetype of the 'snooty self absorbed rich girl that is also pretty short I guess' (with Pacifica from GF, Qiyana from League, and Disgust from Inside Out being some other examples I liked).

And Resepctless is a bop, of course. Plus it also strongly implied that Velvette is somewhat delusional (as Vox was shown to be the backbone of her group, being the one with biggest influence, that also sorts situations out - while Zestial didn't loose any relevance, judging by the way folks on the street reacted to him), which could be a fun thing to explore in Season 2.

I wonder if there's anything more to your enjoyment of the character, or if it's just the stuff I already said. After all, we all have our favorite tropes and archetypes, and a character would often become my favorite for simply fitting into the ones I like!

But I suppose there's no harm in asking :3

dw dw

I may answer a bit late, but hey at some point I will claw out some time...

Velvette is my fave from hazbin, but Beelzebub is my fave from the whole hellaverse.

I dont think she is delusional tho. I think that line was just either puffing up your coat to appear bigger and more threatening to the other overlords or all the v's i think thinks of themselves as the most important. We see a lot of vox, but id say that its vel who keeps things running the most. She isn't running and wasting time on simping for someone who won't even look at em (I mean angel for Val and alastor for vox). She feels like she needs to pick up crap after their toxic yaoi and feel the consequences the most.

And I think zestial might have lost some influence. I mean if u only take what folks from the street think of him, I mean they acted like that when they've seen alastor too, but its harder to argue that he remained in the same power as before. I think most sinners would reacted that way, cause 1 overlords, 2 who knows what they are up to, 3 they are known to take souls so u know u can still think lowly of someone and still be scared of them if they have a granade in their hand. Sides Val might have said that cause maybe v's have millions of souls due to the powers shift and more of the new sinners coming to them for technology., while zestiel might have had only a few thousands, strong ones, but less in numbers. Maybe she thinks those old souls can't do much anymore as opposed to their millions. also situation just had changed, they've discovered that angels are not immortal. so she wants a new approach to the situation and not be dragged by old unchanged ways of ye old. Also also all that was to prode and poke at carmila to cause her to outburst. I think she is smarter then u give her credit to. she knows its Carmilla and is trying to get out more info in the way she knows how. also it might have been again puffing up your coat to bring more overlords to her side.

But to answer ur question, I think i need to go back to queen bee. My love for her started for a beautiful design and its still a big part of it ofc. But... Idk how to describe it. She kinda awakened/opened some part of me if even just a lil (not like sexually i already know im pan/furry don't at me). Some part that been hidden away. one thats more spunk and free in her expression. More femme but in this specific way. This all didnt change my life in a dramatic way, but it pry open the door for other stuff to influence it.

And thats where Vel comes in. Trough that opened door, a lil bit. She also has an amazing design. But she is also spunky and not afraid to speak her mind and have a lil fun with it. She is respectless and a lil but of a bad bitch and Idk that kinda resonates with me a lil. I sometimes wish I had that confidence to flip off other plp (when deserved obvi) and dress in unusual ways.

overall idk you can all attribute my interest in them both to excellent design. but that's my theory on why

[wooltoesocks]

things i want to get answers to in the remaining episodes of four leaf: a very comprehensive list that must be missing some things i just cant remember at the moment (also soilers for up until ep 139):

just in general evrything about the bells, and more especiall like how is lina giving lupe her bells (because that is 100% gonna happen i think) gonna affect them, for example if they'll get lina's bell as like their own, and if that bell being kinda broken is gonna be any problem

will that be a permanent change, is lupe gonna give the bell back to lina after they deal with the wolf

what's gonna happen to cricket if they really do deal with the wolf? or how will tehy come to some wsolution that doesnt harm anyone

CARLA!!! is she gonna be okay? that wound looks very nasty. i hope they'll be able to cure it somehow, and if not, then chopchop there goes a leg :/

talking about carla, is she gonna give er bells to someone like she mentioned in 138? that is only in case she wont be able to continue, but it loks very bad rn, so my question is, is it gonnna be mercy? or in general, who is it gonna be?

also about the bells, i really wanna know how many bells each witch has!! it''s just something i think would be interesting to analyse. (i looked through all the episodes where a witch has their bells out buut i still now only know for certain the number of bels like 7 witches have (before 137 and emma giving up her bells): Erica 1, Emma 2, Socks 2 (most likely, unless she got mor after the prison break, that's when she at least shows only 2), Alishba 3, Linda 3 (both of whose bells were shown during the prison break), Carla 20, Lina 21.

also also (i use that word so much), the names of the witches! we now know there are 17 witches in the red hoods (+lupe +lina so maybe 19 but oh well) and of those 17 we know the names of 12 (episode 133)

what i wanna know too is like which bell belongs to which witch? we've seen some, for example in the flashback of when they first appeared, and also in the festival of roses we see some, but like i wnna knowww (ye sit's very trivial but that's what makes it fun i think)

the mom. what happened with her in the 8 months that have passed since lupe was last in their original world? did she just continue on like normal, or did she actually regret some of the things she's done? will lupe go see her again?

the inevitable. the thing i've been waiting for for like 2 years. the KISS! alvar mentioned the witch loking very mad and the also saying he's the kinda guy to ask twice before a first kiss and what i think will happen is that he is gonna ask. like he's just the kinda guy. but the thing lupe (most likely) will be "mad" about is just that al didnt tell about it (even tho he was gonna tell you lupe, you just didnt want him to). or they arent mad, but just like very confused/fristrated and Al just interpreted it wrong? i dont know. we'll see (hopefully tomorrow in 140 but at the evry least in 141?? like i dont think it will take so long that it would be 142? (i am delusional). also looking at the future chapter thumbnails (not a fast pass reader), it looks like someone is using some kind of reddish/pinkish magic / teleporting right next to him)

okay this isnt a theory or anything, i just know lupe's dad is gonna be so smug learning about lupe and al's relationship when they do get into one like judging from ep 116 and the "crush" i jut know

okay wow this is a long post but i need to get these out of my head and scream into the void and wait if it screams back

back to the bells, they'r gonna give everyone their own one back right? if they deal wit hthe wolf, there shouldnt be any need to hoard all the power, and i dont think it would be very fair to let 72 people just go on about life without really even knowing what's going no just because you wanna levitate. i know it's probably more complicated than that but yeah

also (fuck, this word again) what's gonna happen to the witchs' craving of gloom? is it gonna go away if there is no wolf (okay this is assuming that it's dealt with and they wont come to a peaceful comclusion but if that happens i just really hope cricket will be okay)

are other witches gonna wanna get rid of their bells and become human like emma?

i would like some more information about the different worlds, although i think it's unlikely tha will come up in the chapters themselves, but maybe as some bonus content somewhere?

okay so i already wrote about like if Lina's bell being broken is gonna have any effect on lupe, but will it affect Lina herself? i would assume not, but you never know

just in general, i cant wait to see how everything comes to a conclusion and how the ending is gonna be (even tho i would love for it to go on for longer). are we gonnna see another time skip?

man i just remembered there are alaso civilians in Garua at the moment too like the redhoods are gonna get the to safety right? maybe that will also help a little with the public's fear of the witches, the news that hey maybe they're not bad through and through (even tho that was never the case but most people still thought that so)

fuck this is long how many words even is this... 1005???? man that's like 2/3 of the essays we had to write in high school. yea it's easier to just put stuff from your mind into bullet points but this has taken me like maybe 45 minutes where as those essays took at least 5 hours. i bet i could make one from one of my interests in like 2 hours and i would be much better than any of those monstrocities i wrote

anyway back on track

actually those are the main ones i remember now, maybe i'll update this once more come to mind, but for now this is enough for today

pictured above is me falling for this series

wait one more thing: is it stated anywhere how much the bells weigh? i would assume they're more like incorporeal so they wouldn't hve any mass, and i fell like should know this i've read this series 5 or 6 times. but if they do infact hve mass, do the witches have to actively levitate them or are they jsut funky like that

[oraclemoontarot]

ahh ur cool to chat with.

im sure kpop has set ways but lately im uncertain as to what they are aiming for... loved enhypens recent comeback it was so cool, did u see it yet? but again theyre an other group I can only really like and its so strange to me when theres teens who r obviously much younger than myself overly obsessing and being possesive over the idols bc i had exactly the same stance about western bgs during the 00s. now im kind of just enjoying them for the music and dont feel the need to deeply obsess over every detail but tarot blogs r so fun to ask qs and find out stuff we couldnt find out about one direction etc etc. it honestly seems so long ago the 00s and its weird bc when u find a new group and theyre so young i have to check difference in age gaps nowadays (lowkey wish there wasnt an age concept at all in society bc then it wouldnt matter). but ngl it is so awkward, like even seeing how ppl nowadays still flock to harry styles home town (yes also did that myself). yet kpop in general has so many cool themes and vast difference in terms of performance styles as well.

ik its only awkward if u make it awkward but ppl kinda take obsessing abt idols way too far. yet we have all been thru that phase so i get it but kpop stans seem next level crazy sometimes in a good way sometimes in a bad way, i also dont get how such delusional obsessions can lead to building closer relationship with said idol like u aint just going to make friends if ur crying over them in front of them yaknow? and other stuff like going to their hotels or following them whilst theyre out in their downtime. i dont think theres ever just been a non crazy time for idols at all. i cant imagine what their dorm rooms must be like cause I bet they all been doing other adult / human things lmfao. yet the way their fans overreact to mere dating rumors is ridiculous atp. or say for instance idols future spouses as well is the topic that seem to get ppl most riled up when it comes to thee sorts of readings. lowkey sometimes i ask why do i need to know but i ask anyway bc why the fuck not then i think its childish of me lol

aw tyy so are you!! I haven't watched their mv or listened to their album yet (if it wasn't a single), but I heard parts of it online and it does sound real good, I used to be an engene so maybe it's a sign to listen to this comeback.

no I get you so much here especially. Being a fan(girl) is so so much fun, you get to watch content, listen to music, learn about the members, go to concerts, collect merch, and meet other fans. There's a whole culture and community around it that, when you first get into kpop, it's so exciting. It's unsurprising people would get obsessed at first.

But yeah, I personally get really excited watching their content or over an idol (ahem haechan) when on my own, but whenever I meet them in person it's like all that excitement disappears and I'm like, 'oh, they're just a guy/person...', and it's really chill. I don't at all know how people think following them around, partaking in every single fancall, and getting overly excited and emotional would lead to them getting close with them.

You know, I think this obsessiveness dies down as we mature/get older. It's like we have other things to focus on, we become more grounded with less free time, and distance ourselves a little more.

Please, just imagining they're probably lying in bed scrolling through videos etc. while at home is kinda funny. They likely do what we do anyway as they're people at the end of the day, it kind of makes you see them more... normally?

We're alike haha. Yeah it's fun, especially with ideal type readings etc. but then you take a step back and think, am I doing too much? 😭

[aphroditarian]

Hate words for your moon sign <3

Aries moon- i seem to attract them, which is a problem because i hate these fuckers. Immature, selfish and irresponsible, they are oblivious to the fact that they need to work on themselves ( like literally all of us ) because they perceive themselves to have some sort of moral advantage for “always being right” ( my ass ). They also love weed and probably alcohol too ( cause god forbid they actually feel their emotions ). Theyre just big babies.

Taurus moon- unmovable, unshakable, will die on the stupidest of hills out of sheer stubbornness. They know everything since they were 3 and so theres no reason for them to get out of bed. Movies? Seen them all and if they havent, they already know the one you wana take them to is no good. Music? Pfft. Do you even know who bach is?

Gemini- yall have commitment issues the size of pluto and youre not doing anything about it. You are a menace. Basically draco malfoy but if he wasnt even rich and hot so he had literally no redeeming quality.

Cancer- even i, a particularly sensitive and emotional individual, cant handle your crying ass. Mommy issues WE GET IT!! Friends with this placement will make everyone in the group baby them and partners will suck your tits FLAT. Not to mention how EMO they truly are. Like 6 pete wentzs on the emo scale.

Leo- thank god none of yall seem to like me cause i swear to god you need 15 times more attention than the average human. Your redeeming quality is that youre funny. But if you dont stop acting like rachel berry im gonna laugh at you and not with you. Did i mention theater kid?

Virgo- youre so wrecked emotionally that i actually feel bad for you instead of wanna make fun of you. Like jojo siwas career. Its like you have the meanest most insidious person in your head judging every single thing you or anyone says or does or feels or thinks. Jesus christ, we all need therapy but you neeed therapy.

Libra- i dont trust a single word that comes out of yalls mouths. Youre people pleasing, co dependents, and eeeeverything must lead to you being good and nice. Youre no fun. And when you are its for other people to think youre fun. Also youre deeply delusional and limerant ( look it up ), and i can just sense you falling in love with everyone and everything for no reason. Ew.

Scorpio- listen here you piece of shit, i know you want everyone to be scared of you but im no fool. Literally no one finds you mysterious and intimidating, your just no fun. And yes, we can tell you cry to evanescence every night. Redeeming quality is that youre hot, but looks dont last and youre gonna be one cranky old peson.

Sagittarius- every time you tell i joke i can see tears behind your eyes. Youre not fooling anyone with your pseudo esoteric shit. Also chill tf out!! Please!! Youre either angry or excited.

Capricorn- like virgo, no amount of hate words coming from me will do a capricorn moon justice, because they are already hating on themselves so hard. They are under the delusion that its everyone around them that is the problem but deep inside they know, its themselves they feel bad about. And no you dont actually enjoy being productive, its just that your self worth is entirely dependent on being useful.

Aquarius- you are literally insane. The most delusional people ive met. None of your reactions make sense. You are constantly running away from being actually vulnerable and open, coming up with either brilliant or extremely dumb excuses, and your love life is suffering the consequences of your avoidant ass. At least your social life is good, but hey, at what cost??

Pisces- thank fucking god youre a rare species. Kind of like virgo, i almost dont wanna make fun of you because i feel bad. But in your situation i also have no desire to help your overly dramatic ass. Youre not just anxious, youre something on a whole new level and you probably require huge amounts of food/alcohol/tobbacco or something to keep it all bottled up. Good fucking luck to anyone who falls in love with you!! Ps if you wanna be a poet be a poet, dont be like umm UwU can i show you my poetry UwU 👉👈

If youre mad about this post, complain to my mother.

[youve-doomed-us-all-jerk]

and finished it ,got dat true ending yes def had a great time on the game 8/10 (but yeah performance def docked some points as well as some writing threads that felt kinda dropped, but am trying to in good faith piece it together in me mind so just gonna ramble spoilers under the cut:

when people said this is what they wanted the original DD to be i can see that but like i feel like the lead up to the game kept hearing people who know more about the originals history talk about how "40-60% of the original vision was cut down" from dd1 and i feel like my brain unfortunately interpreted that as "oh cool so were gonna have 100 new vocations like the monk and 100 monsters and the parallel worlds(technically true☝🏽🤓) and the moon stuff, neat" thats on me lmao but yeah removing those expectations and seeing it for what it is, its def the spirit of the the first game but its systems deeper and more fleshed out not good at all the techny terms but im not very into or good at action games but this one made me want to be cuz the combat was fun haha hmm writing wise there was a point where i felt like everything just suddenly got dropped once the godbane stuff started happening and youre suddenly barreling to the ending while everything else just wasnt important anymore lmao, but trying to interpret the story as a story the pathfinder is weaving, i think its meant to feel like that cuz we see the pathfinder essentially write us out of problems, give us a griffin to escape slavery, gives us a clue to where were supposed to go and the big one he like straight up changes ambrosius mind about giving us the godsbane when it wouldnt make sense for him too, the old man by harve even alludes to this by saying the real world is much messier when hes telling you about how fake everything is, like the watcher said everyone there is there to play a part in a tale hes laid out and i think he wanted to get to the ending faster. It's definitely another layer they added from the first games cycle, but do wish if that is what theyre going for(and if im not delusional lmao) that they did more like the ambrosius thing just watching as he ass pulls us out of dead ends making us feel what rothais felt when he realized all his feats and hardships didnt matter, also just would have liked more sidequests with fun characters lmao.

Also did enjoy the endings of the 3 major peoples in the unmoored world and felt like their side quests really fleshed them out and led them there to their endings well,mostly, very cool idea to bring it all together like that. elves wanted to stay isolated but they needed outside influence to break tradition, to save their tree and how it all built to them agreeing to seek refuge with the other races rather than die with their way of life. Ironic that disa was half right about sven needing to inherit the throne but ofc she was also half wrong cuz she a tyrant and wants him to have it mainly cuz of blood, but he deserves it cuz his sidequests were about him getting to know the common folk and becoming self assured lmao battahl tbh full disclosure i messed up the queen nadias sidequest to the rose chateau, tried to scare the dick head shopkeeper into giving me the medicine for the beastren and got arrested so idk how that one ends(will find out in NG+ lmao) but based on the ones i did do, it seems like the nations whole thing was about always being in conflict with each other and how the unmoored quests there are about making people put there differences aside and band together, including the arisen teaming with phaesus. Also like the irony of their view on pawns being right at first but by the end of the game they end up being wrong. but yeah do feel like they didnt get into that more, along with what the lambent flame is? (googled that there was lore texts you can find that explain how an earlier emperor is deceiving the people about it and what it really does) they also dont go into the fact vermund was a nation of beastren, started by a beastren and then history was wiped?? and how theres vermundians fear of beastren and human children always look like beastren and yet wilhelmina is a direct contradiction of this?? that seemed like a really juicy plot point but they didnt really do anything with it. and lastly idek where to start with the pawn and arisen ending, found out theres slight differences in the affinity ending (got the high affinity one cuz reds my my gurl i always revive run straight to her to revive her🤗) but watching them talk about how happy they are to have their own will while saying theyd still do anything for you filled me with something, dont even know what but was crazy.

oh also before i forget another way its in the spirit of the first game for me is just like in the original i also forgot to talk to the person i was romancing and giving them flowers before the endings and got diff people appearing there just like my first playthru of the dd1 lmfao( got manela with grigori and sara in the true ending, was going for ulrika this playthru lmfao) def gonna NG+, maybe do a magic archer and get the stuff i missed and try and get the other endings. Also hoping for another expansion/dlc like they did with dd1 down the line with more vocations and monsters.

[inchidentally]

i 100p agree with all ur carlando takes dont listen to people lowkey bashing you purposefully behind ur back. they just cant handle their ship not being no 1 priority anymore

oh babe I had already unfollowed any non moots from that fandom so it's not behind my back if I don't even care it exists :)

and the thing is !! I'm the one who responded to an anon about ppl wanting carland0 content saying how we always get sponsored carland0 content and golf dates etc so literally the whiplash of them deciding that Lando liking Oscar somehow affects Carlos and Lando interacting ?? to now them desperately trying to make me think that Lando is a liar mouth about liking Oscar and he and Carlos are closer than they'll ever be with anyone else ever and ever !!

I was totally fine w how sometimes Carlos and Lando hang out and that's the latest post cycle and then Lando and Oscar do something cute and that's the latest post cycle and then it's Lando and Max F or Oscar and Logan or etc etc etc etc bc I love seeing these friendships and inventing rpf for fun! but apparently I'm being a delusional meanie bc

I won't accept that "everyone (so far only meaning carland0 fans) knows it's an open secret" that Carlos is secretly gay and all his girlfriends are a cover and how he's always treated acting 'gay' with laughter and as a joke and now carefully cleaned up history of homophobia is all a blind!

even though no one ever said any of this before Lando was his teammate and back when he already had a solid career and two identical bromances with Max and Nico.

oh and even though Carlos is FAR more sexually suggestive and tactile w Charles isn't the same thing bc that's just them being brotherly it's not at all like how Carlos touching Lando casually is clearly romantic and sexual - and when Lando compulsively talks about Oscar in unprompted explicitly sexual terms in a way he never actually has with a teammate it's all for PR and not sexual bc god knows Lando has an incredible poker face and never gets caught out being too honest and lacking a filter !!

I just. life is so much easier when you accept the reality that guys who say they're friends are friends and that it should be suspiciously convenient to isolate one case out of identical others and decide that it's "legit gay" when it happens to be the guys you personally want to be together.

and that Lando is just Lando and he loves attention from men and women. he doesn't mind if it's them babying him or being his bro or being confused or being openly horny. and yes, based on his own words he does probably want to rut against Oscar a lil bit and maybe mess w Oscar's placid nature somewhat for fun BUT it doesn't affect them being friends and being teammates. it’s not deep! Lando's used to being a bit randomly horny and having to get on with life anyway. it sure as shit doesn't mean we need to create conspiracy theories or pretend Lily and Oscar are in an open relationship llashfjlashfl

[shuxiii]

shu???? what???? I just woke up and saw that you updated twice??? I hope you have been getting enough sleep >:(

but thank you shu <3 😊

where do I even begin with??

I guess I'll begin with next door since it was the first one to appear to me

their mothers being their biggest supporters is always so fun to me like they're a bit delusional (and that's okay because it will all work out in the end hahahajsjdj)

and hanni :((((

I guess she saw nd!yn didn't mean her any harm and it was just playful bickering and now she's softening :((

or maybe she's just really sad about jake >:(

I just hope she feels better soon and the romance officially begins 👀👀

and you updated sweet nothing too???

I could give you a hug right now I was not expecting a sweet nothing update for at least a few days since people always ask you more about cat page and next door

hyein is so lovely so caring so cute she deserves the world 🥺

like who voluntarily (while they're hurt mind you) wakes up early, makes food for their sibling AND someone else, makes said someone else a bento box and is overall willingly playing matchmaker without any bad motives?

she's such a good sister I hope she heals soon :((((

and yn talking to their dad....

.....I'm heartbroken I need a moment.

- 🥟

SUHDHEHSHA U DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY I WAS TO SEE UR MESSAGE’n JABSJABAH THANK U FOR READING IM SO EXCITED TO SEE U MESSAGE ME AGAIN I HPPE U EAT AND DRINK WELL AND STOOLP SN!HYEIN IS SUCH A CUTIE PIE 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 and yes nd!han is finally concious…

[qualityempathshoebear]

Obsession Session (As promised)

Ok so let me show you how delusional i am by telling you as much as i can remember about the boy. Ill call him ceaser salad for now. So basically, me, him, and my friend from sociology talked and laughed, and even played heads and tails together. Once the open-evening was over he headed out before us, and me and my friend went to say bye to our teacher. My friend got picked up by her dad and I decided to go to my busstop down in town, I passed by the busstop closest to the school and figured I would get on the bus to take me to town rather than walking down, but for some reason I decided to not get on the bus. I dont know if it was because I had seen ceaser salad in front of me or because i simply didnt feel like it. But the point is that i didnt get on the bus. I walked up to him instead. We stood next to eachother at the crossing stop light and waited for the sign to turn green. Two girls came up behind us and i used it as an excuse to turn my head and pretend like I had just noticed him standing there.

We gave eachother weird looks and then he began talking to me, or maybe i did to him? I cant remember. Regardless, we were talking. He poked fun at my accent any chance he got, told me I was smart, and even made fun of me for waiting on green lights before crossing the road (as if he hadnt stood and waited there himself; which makes the delusional side of my brain think he was waiting for me). We talked about movies and i told him about how scary movies were my favourite. I feel like he was constantly fliring with me, but i dont know if im just delusional. When we got to another road crossing thingy (I have no clue what theyre cllaed) I told him to "click the button" so we could cross, to which he stopped in his tracks in front of it and said "what do you say after that?". It took me a moment to realise what he meant so we said "please" at the same time. He then clicked the button and said "there are your manners". I just responded with scoffed chuckle. THAT SURE FEELS LIKE FLIRTING TO ME. We then walked for a while longer and he asked if i drank, I told him "not really" and asked if he did, he said he drinks but only on "special occasions", whatever that means. I asked if he vaped, he said he didnt, and i told him i would have bullied him if he did. We then saw the aftermath of a car crashing into a pole by mcdonalds, and I said "thats what happens when you dont wait for the light to turn green before crossing" he then very sheepishly responded "no, thats what happens when you cant fucking drive". He then stopped by the scene because he said he was planning on "being nosy" to which i obviously scolded him for inserting himself into peoples car-crashes. He asked if i was turning left, I said yes. I waved bye to him, although im not sure if he did the same, and then we parted ways. I only then realised I hadnt gotten his socials, but I feel like he would have asked me if he wanted mine. To be fair, if he had asked me after we parted, i wouldnt have been able to hear him over the noise. I havent been able to get him out of my head and its honestly ruining my mood, because I know ill probably never see him on camous again and even if i did i doubt hed talk to me or is even thinking of this encounter the way I am. I feel like he maybe just has a flirty personality because he was kind of like that when we were hanging out with my friend. Ugh I just need to forget about him, but I honestly hope he lowkey is thinking about me too. I wasnt wearing any makeup (not even mascara), and my hair was fucked and matted, there is just no way he actually likes me. UGHHH this is so annoying. Anyways ill end this here because ill just hate myself if i keep thinking about this, plus ive got exams coming up i cant be thinking about this. Byeeee.

[acceptingmyowncompany]

I must relieve the pressure from my mind brain. It doesnt stop going. is everything anxiety?! if so, that fucking sucks man. what do I do about it?! its not just physical. its mental, and mentally I know no peace. I just keep thinking about the future. Thinking about everything I have to look forward to and all the ways it plays out. sometimes good sometimes bad. I think about the girl and all the ways we can be cute and couple together, but then im reminded that she's delaying talking to me. it takes me back to 2019. it makes me thing maybe im tripping. maybe im too invested. maybe she's decided she doesnt see this becoming anything and its purely platonic. thats okay. it just would suck to be this invested for nothing. I have no one to talk to about it. I used to talk to Henle about this stuff, he's gone now. passive suicide. it makes me sad all over again. the thought that again it got so bad for him that he either tried to kill himself or he was trying to numb it so much that he ended up killing himself. super upsetting. I miss my guy. and I wish I was there for him better. but I can't live with that thought. the only person effected by that line of thinking is me. so what's the point. what can I learn. dont wait. show up for others while you can and when you can. gratitude. be grateful for the moments. have an impact where you can. but man I just hope he knows how hard this life thing is without him man. I really did lean on my guy so much. maybe thats why I feel so bad. he probably needed people to lean on and sure, he didnt choose to lean, we couldve still extended better. I shouldn't say we. EYE couldve. but yes, maybe she doesnt like me. and thats cool. but I dont wanna like her if she doesnt like me. I know thats now how this shit works, but it just doesnt feel productive or good. to do so. its nice to have a crush again. its fun. it was excited, but it sucks to not be reciprocated. to wait. to feel like you're running in place. I wish we could talk more consistently. maybe somewhere other than instagram. I wish we could talk on the phone. I could hear her laugh and she could make me laugh. REAL CHEMISTRY. I think about a time where we have that. real chemistry. good chemistry. cute moments and conversations. but what if that never happens. what if she's not into me at all. then im being delusional for no fucking reason. maybe thats okay. idk humiliation. embarrassment. 2019. all those things. its much more mentally taxing than id like. I need an indication that we still good, or again a reset. a clean slate to restart. Just to stop yearning you know?! And then Texas. I'm making strides but man am I anxious about the whole thing. the idea of being out there. having to talk to all these people. people I dont know. people who are better than me. more adult than me. more successful than me. a turtle. I hide. in my uncomfortable clothes. feeling self conscious about my appearance. feeling self conscious about anything I could possibly talk about. having nothing to offer. feel like its gonna be the longest 4 days of my life. 3 days. whatever it is. sitting there, with enough money but not wanting to spend it. eating the cheapest. this is the only trip. and then thinking about trips next year. thinking about tattoos. all these cool plans and I can't even get a job. Idk what job I want. what job doesnt make my stomach turn while reading it . idk what there is for me out there but it feels like nothing. and I think and think and think and think about all this all fucking day and its only 8 something. and I just want to turn it off, but then I can't sleep and I struggle and struggle and struggle to sleep. theres no peace. NO PEACE. I CANT TURN IT OFF. I CANT FEEL OKAY. I JUST NEED TO FEEL OKAY. I NEED CLOSENESS. I NEED FUN. I NEED TO FEEL SOMETHING AND THERES NOTHING FOR ME. It's an exhausting existence.