#yes im watching the hear me out vod

[glowsticcc]

and today on boober news:

ranboolive is a robot-fucker

[bonesandthebees]

I am so mad rn I fell asleep at like 7 pm I didn't mean to I just woke up and was hoping it was at least like idk 3 am but NO it's 11:30 pm and im not tired enough to go back to sleep so now I have to choose to either stay awake and be on my phone or lay in the dark and hope that's enough to lull me to sleep and I'm pissed bc I have a full day ahead tomorrow and I'm not asleep right now so I'm going to be miserable in the morning but I'm not staying at my house rn so my body is doing the weird thing it does when you stay at a friends house and it's weird about sleeping and I kind of wanna hurl myself off of a cliff rn and my phone is lagging as I write this out and it's pidssing me off even more

But yes I enjoyed the one shot I don't remember its name right now but the qsmp one it was very good and I loved the ichor children concept that's so cool :)

Oh anon I’m so sorry as someone who has dealt with anxiety-induced insomnia to the point where I had to get therapy for it I know the frustration with not being able to fall asleep. Currently my go to solution whenever I’m not tired and can’t sleep is the anxiety meds I got prescribed for that exact issue lol, but obviously you can’t do that so here are my tips

If possible, find some melatonin or at least see if you have chamomile tea. If you don’t have either of those, what usually works for me is to turn on a long YouTube video on my phone and just watch until I get sleepy. Old vods are always a good option if you want something to be interested in, but it’s probably better to watch them from a calmer cc (Niki had a super long let’s play series where she played a story game called beyond two souls and I used to listen to that whenever I had trouble sleeping).

My current go to for sleepy videos are either ASMR videos (but I know those aren’t everyone’s tastes), or two specific channels: Baumgartner Restoration or NileRed. Baumgartner is the channel of an art conservator who makes long and very detailed videos showing his conservation and restoration process for paintings clients send him. It’s so fascinating to watch, and his voice is really calming at the same time. I literally turn on a video of his every night before I sleep and rarely get more than 5 minutes into it before I’m passing out. NileRed is a slightly more…energized channel of a guy who does a lot of weird and cool chemistry! His voice is also really even-toned and calming to listen to, but the main reason his stuff helps me sleep is the minute he starts explaining ochem concepts I knock tf out. I did a full years worth of ochem in college it’s like an instinctual reaction to want to pass out hearing it again 😭

Anyway. Find some videos like the ones I suggested—preferably at least 45 min or longer. Just watch it and try to focus on the content rather than the fact that you can’t sleep. If you start getting sleepy, great! If you’re unsure but you’re kind of tired, try closing your eyes and just listening to the video. I’ve fallen asleep like that so many times before it’s my last resort method

Hope that helps!

(oh and last note: if you can't fall asleep again, try to remind yourself that's okay. the more you stress about not being able to sleep, the worse it'll get. even just laying in your bed with your eyes shut will help you feel more rested.)

[survivor-north-sea]

Episode Six: "je suis tired" - AJ

AJ

Aaaand another Tribal Council down. We've managed to pull it off again folks. Are we the drama? Yes, yes we are. Praying this challenge is something we can beat. I just want to actually go to sleep on time for once. Alr short confessional because je suis tired

Bethany

AJ WHY DID U LET JULIA GO HOME?!?!? YOU HAD ONE JOB. U FED ME TO THE OG TROMOYA WOLVES IN A PEACE TREATY OF HAIRIE WILL PROTECT ME AND YOU PROTECT JULIA!!! like oh my god, girlliance is officially over bc i cannot rn

Brandi

Im scared

Zach🤠

so Julia went home. Which was not supposed to happen. allegedly trinica voted for the wrong person. i don’t believe that for a second because how we split the votes was their idea. well at least arvin knows he’s at the bottom and we may be able to use that against Trinica, but idk. i still really want to trust them. we’ll see ig

Trinica

AJ told me to sticker Champ and I'm tipsy so I did and I immediately got caught :( I'm honestly so sad because I would have stayed up all night for this challenge. But my self-fulfilling prophecy is coming true, we're probably gonna lose this challenge.

Also the way Zach and Jinx interacted with Tromoya makes me nervous. Sounding a *lil* too friendly for my taste! Something to think about!

Raffy

Curse my inability to throw a challenge! By winning this challenge, OG Tromoya will be at a numbers disadvantage at the merge which could be pretty bad. Honestly, I can definitely see Bethany flipping back to her OG tribe. So, I am thinking that we should throw the next challenge to get her out? Of course, this means that the Tromoya on the other tribe (Zach or Arvin) is highly likely to be the one that flipped. Honestly my mindset is if they vote out Zach I should throw and get out Bethany, but if they vote out Arvin then I should not throw so they can take out Zach.

Hairie

Again Hidra’s tribal council is split votes and another Tromoya goes home. I’m so disappointment that Julia went home and AJ couldn’t keep her promise to protect her. Also hearing Arvin’s voice sounding so defeated like that just heartbreaking 💔

I honestly think it’s Zach who flipped at one point and then I thought it was Julia but now I’m thinking it’s Zach again. I mean we were never close to begin with and haven’t had much talk.

Waking up, viewing tribal council VOD and then jumping off to a challenge right after (and a tricky one at that) surely made me go into a frenzy.

If we win this, Arvin might possibly go home next and that would mean the end of Red Rover Red Rover alliance.

Arvin Bentonon

I'm shaking the game.

Trinica

Today's strategy, since we're clearly losing this sticker stalker challenge, is to get Zach to trust me (again? for the first time? who knows). I told them I want to work with them come merge, and all they said was "I was going to talk game with you at some point today too! our minds" which tracks because outside of ali/jinx/toni I haven't been able to successfully get anyone to actually commit to working with me lol.

I need to coordinate with Jinx, who I think is maybe sharing a bit more pink venom chat secrets with zach than anyone suspects.

Hairie

At 2:21 AM my time, still up and awake watching TWD and Jinx pasted a sticker and BAM! Back to watching TWD now :)

-

Placed a sticker on Arvin to see if he’s up and he is LITERALLY 2 more minutes and I would have gotten a point but now that I’m out I can go to sleep.

Arvin Bentonon

I really wish they were too sensitive about my position in the game. I've made it very clear that I'm at the bottom, I thought they knew the meaning of what I'm saying.

Tyler Frazier

So we just won the challenge which you know obviously great! But my tribe (old Tromøya) seems to be a little apprehensive about winning bc one of the original Tromøya will be picked off again and it’s like at least say it in your alliance chat. Like don’t say it infront of me and just rub my position in my face. Come on people.

Arvin Bentonon

I don't trust AJ anymore. Flip Flopper. 2 tribal council in a row where she told the minority she's voting with us. And now she's trying to trick me. I know I have to push the votes on her. I would do everything.

Zach🤠

once again, this challenge was not a slay 🤠n e way. see y’all at tribal

Brandi

Alright so I need you to know that I didn’t really understand what this little confession thing was supposed to be but I went and looked at past seasons and now I know and feel so so so so embarrassed by my previous answers lol lol lol. We DOMINATED the sticker challenge and I was so proud I got the first point. I think we can keep riding this high till the merge and at that point…. I’m scared to see what will happen.

AJ

We lost again to literally no one's surprise. But honestly it’s really tough to lose so many times in a row. It really hurts morale. Especially when I know for a fact that I’m doing all I can for these challenges so we can get a day off. I’m staying up through the night, I’m putting my all in for each challenge, I’m making sure to read and clarify the rules as best I can for others. And it sucks to be putting in this much effort and still coming up short because other tribe members aren’t dedicating as much to this.

I’m really praying I make it to merge. Really truly praying. Because I feel like with how much effort I put into each of these challenges, doing them individually I’d have a higher chance of success than we’ve currently gotten. Fingers crossed I don’t get blindsided, I don’t think I will but I can only hope. The next challenge we’ve got the equivalent of a 10% disadvantage between us and the other tribe, BUT, it’s a challenge I know in my gut we’ll be good at.

Esteban

It is so good to be part of the winning tribe 3x in a row. We need to play this lay low game. Two more rounds til merge. I hope we’ll make it.

Raffy is expressing his mistrust to the hidra 2.0 which is a good sign for me. He is even pitching a bethany boot already when we lose this round. Should we lose the challenge intentionally??? Naaaah. I feel good with jayjay, brandi,and hairie too. I am not certain with champ yet coz she might leaning towards bethany.

Also, considering Tyler and I in the bottom of both opposing ends is the best thing that happened to us.

PS. It has been a busy week to me. I am trying my best to keep up on the game and the confessionals.

Champ

Omg that was STRESSFUL! My strategy was to not be active and have everyone sticker me! It worked perfectly and I was able to eliminate 3/6 people on their tribe

Tyler Frazier

So ever since we have swapped I’ve been trying to make it a priority to build a relationship with Raffy and it took time but it’s finally starting to work! He seems to be telling people that he likes me now and I think that he is a good person to have your side in the game. He seems to have a good amount of sway which obvi makes him a threat so I am weary but right now I just don’t see him going anywhere no matter what I do so I might aswell make something work

Jayjay

I felt kind of left out of this last challenge since my strategy was to not talk much in the sticker group chat so the other team would sticker me. However I only got stickered once, lol. Whelp. I didn’t get to talk much to the other team members from Hidra that I haven’t met yet. Idk if that’s a good or a bad thing. I definitely feel like I’m under the radar rn but can’t say for sure. This challenge took me back to tug of war flashbacks of anxiety and alarms every 30 min however not so intense lol. Did have a mini heart attack when Raffy called me to let me know I was stuck but my body was in game mode and woke up almost instantly 😂 Love my tribe and their determination to keep killing it in these challenges!!! Woooo 🎉 I’m thinking Arvin or Zach will be the ones to go unfortunately but considering they turned on each other after tribe swap I’m not very concerned about it tbh. I will sleep peacefully tonight 😴

Trinica

Once again, AJ and I are on the same wavelength. Last night, I realized that she has the old Hidra idol. There's no way it's not her. She searched near camp, had to insert a weird phrase into the main tribe chat, then claimed someone else had gotten there before her. Then for the next vote seemed unbothered about the idol, like saying probably nobody had one. There was too much going on for me to connect the dots, but now I realize- if someone else had gotten there first, they would have ALSO had to insert a weird phrase into the group chat. And nobody else did, I'd remember.

This morning I woke up to a message from AJ asking if I'd tell her if I had an idol. I DO have an idol, but no I wouldn't tell her lol since she hasn't told me. I'm 99% sure we both have idols which is hilarious.

Also- Toni messaged the vecepia chat (me, Jinx, Toni) about how iconic it would be if 3 Black girls made it to final tribal, which I'm interpreting as "hey don't forget this main alliance, and also AJ isn't coming with us." Which is great because I've been worried about her getting too close to AJ.

Jinx

raffy is giving Boston Rob (non-deragatory)

love, pink venom

Bethany

this tribe literally is so annoying to me but all i can do is hope we keep winning.

yesterday, raffy was telling tyler that i'm "sketchy" and brandi was telling champ that i'm "distant"

let's break down all the reasons that annoys me!! 1) hairie is the only og tromoya to EVER reach out to me first. we have been on this tribe for a week at this point. but i'm the one that is distant???? make it make sense. 2) I HAVE DONE NOTHING SKETCHY i literally have been so open whenever i am asked about the game, and i'm not even doing anything. i'm literally just standing here. existing. but nooooooo there's a spooky non-men hidra alliance so i'm sketchy just because i am a woman from hidra despite the fact that logically, i would have no incentive to team back up with them when they will be in the minority.

but with the way i am being treated on this tribe, they are giving me 0 incentive to stick with them at the merge if we win the next challenge! i will immediately be throwing esteban and every single og tromoya under the bus if things don't change real quick and praying that one of the hidras who stayed on hidra have an idol honestly because this is wack and i don't just want to stay on the bottom all game long not even having fun. so tbh they should hope that we do go to tribal and that they do vote me off because otherwise, i'm not going to be a number for them and i will do whatever i can to put a target on every single one of their backs. and i have enough info from champ to do that, with some embellishing of course :) i'd rather shake things up than just waiting around to be voted off after doing other people's bidding who have given me 0 reason to ever trust them once we do merge.

AJ

It's right before tribal and I'm paranoid I've not done one of these yet so here's a very short little one. Hoping we actually get Zach out tonight, love him but he's just so inactive that it's really hurting us especially with what the challenge is gonna be next.

Arvin Bentonon

I think I'm going home.

Zach🤠

i’m excited for merge, but not for a creative challenge. 🥲

[literaphobe]

we are the same mish!! i was a watcher of sykkuno/rae/corpse and they would play among us with dream, which made me vaguely aware of his existence. then when dream did that video where everyone thought he was face revealing in december of last year i saw it trending on twitter after having seen him and adjacent things trend numerous times and was like. who tf is this guy. finally heat waves trended for breaking ao3 in january or so?? i was like Well even if i know nothing about these mcyters (and at the time had never even heard of george) might as well read this massive fic. i proceeded to binge the entire thing in one night and have not looked back from the fandom since. the first stream i watched live was george’s cooking stream. can dnf come back from the war i miss them :(

HOLY SHIT… I ONLY SAW THE VOD THE NEXT DAY BUT IIRC GEORGE COOKING STREAM WAS MY FIRST TOO… so yes it had irreversible effects on me. i remember people putting george on my tl and being like why the fuck is this dude so pretty… the fuck is wrong with him… and i remember the time the december prox chat among us lobby happened and all the i trust my dream stuff trended… and i remember watching sykkuno play rust and he was w rae and toast and they all knew corpse was in the da lobby and so was poki and karl but they weren’t… and rae was like sad bc she was like :( i don’t wanna play among us if its not w u guys :( and she was meant to be the sub for the lobby but she didn’t wanna play without sykkuno so toast went and filled for her (fun fact behind how toast became the fill for that lobby)

and i remember going to see one of the clips from the lobby and i think i saw one of dnfqk being like loud or something n i was like omg thats so loud :/ i like being calm actually (ironic how im now madly in love w quackity who was prob being the loudest in that clip) and i think like. some amigopstwt mutuals were all a little annoyed about the lobby LMFAOOOO

another funny fact is that i saw the twitter clip of quackity talking about how his relationship w dream is a constant battle over the love of gnf?? at least that’s what i remember. and i was captivated and was like wtf… who ARE these guys. thats it im watching some compilations and like i think i checked out their channels? i remember really liking the colorblind video i saw george’s videos before dream’s and as u know dream is very clearly not an evil terrible man in the colorblind video so given all the rumors about him i was hearing at the time i was just very confused. for quackity i think the first stream of his i saw live MIGHT have been the quackityhq funeral?? and it was the moment i realized i fucking LOVED this guy for Him like previously my earliest memories of quackity were that he was the guy who was really nice to sykkuno 😭😭 like he decided to be wholesome bc sykkuno was wholesome and man thats just who quackity is honestly. heart of gold n so sweet ^_^

[hamnickels]

My Favorite Moments from Tommy’s 12/23 Stream

[Source: “I’m back” on Tommy’s Twitch] (some below the cut, this got long)

“I’m so humble, I’m so humble. I’m like a goldfish on steroids. Can fish do ster-? Fish apparently don’t even have penises, so. Thank god. I wish I was a fish because there are no men fish, that’s why.”

“School is for pussies! Why would I go to school when I have snapchat, hmm?! Streamer by night, drug dealer by day. I’m living the life”

“OH MY GOD - JESUS LIVES ON!! In the form of this log… that’s such an offensive thing to say”

*looks at ‘minor terrorism in L’Manberg sign’* … oh no is that really what we need to do next? *looks at Bob the cow, who LITERALLY NODS* “HA! We- Ok well if you say so Bob … He just fucking nodded at me!! He just nodded at me, he just fuc- HA- What the fuck man? Ok ok if Bob says so I’m not gonna go against Bob”

“weeb shit… thank you for the subs”

“oh no I’ve got diseases in the brain. Good diseases though- no one ever talks about the good diseases though, like superpowers. I have those.”

“oh my god, I’m living the life. The only thing I’m missing is hot ladies”

*has to type letters to look at them in order to make them out of blocks*

“why is terrorism so much harder than I thought it was going to be??”

“HOW could this mean I’m a furry??? Slash claw”

“my goal in life is to be the least comfortable streamer in the entire world. I want people to watch my streams and DIE”

“yeah you know what else looks pretty cool? The death, the death of hundreds of innocents- of innocent men. But they aren’t innocent because they’re men Ponk, because they’re men! Here’s what we do, here’s what we do … well we don’t do anything Ponk, I don’t know why I always try to side with everyone … you heard of this slash claw going around??”

“I’m not invisible to women. What the- who the fuck said that? Who the FUCK said that? I will literally- you know your family? You know your family, hold ‘em tight- no no, you’re just not allowed to threaten viewer’s families. What would Wilbur say?”

“she replied to you on tik tok? I don’t check tik tok, the only tik tok I know is from 2012 where she goes ‘tik tok round the- “

“you’re such a- you’re just a middle aged man from Newcastle, aren’t you phil. The only thing you’ll get angry about right now is Gordon Ramsey cooking wrong”

*phil literally dying over Gordon ramsey making grilled cheese* Tommy: are you alright???

*Tommy leaves to go to the bathroom* *phil with an echo filter, starts crunching his grilled cheese* “Cheeeeeeeeeese”

“you see that new video where he cheated and got away with it- where he got accused for cheating yeah? … wait wait poor phrasing, hold back or I’m going to get a very angry DM. DREAM DID NOT CHEAT”

 Tommy: it’s me

Phil: it’s fucking not

Tommy: I’m the one that did the math

Phil: you cannot- you- no

Tommy: I’m the one that did the math

Phil: Tommy, you want- there’s many things you’re known for, math is definitely not one of them

Tommy: I’M the math boy

 Phil: I don’t believe-you- no- in fact, I would wager that if we spoke to Dream right now, he would refute and say no it definitely wasn’t you

Tommy: well yeah but he says that about most things that are true

Phil: …what?

Tommy: Phil I’m gonna have to delete this vod by the way

 *Phil coughs* Fuck!

Tommy: Oh my god! You’re on the way out

 Wilbur: PHILBUR! And WILZA!

 Wilbur: Do you like when I’ve joined your stream Tommy you’ve lost 10,000 viewers

Tommy: … no no that must be a coincidence

 Tommy: thesis, yes, like the minotaur

 Wilbur: “Doesn’t the stopping bias eliminate this selection bias that you’re talking about? ‘cause they set up a stopping bias.

Tommy: …yeah

Wilbur: does that- yeah, you-

Tommy: well it’s a toughie it really is

Phil: mr. professor you seem lost for words

Tommy hey, im not lo- what I’m tryin’ to think is … so the- if- ok, let’s just divide all of this by two for a second

 Tommy: Now ask me a question again, but divided by 2. So I want, not quicker, but less

Wilbur: um… hello… tommy… wondering… does… bias… overrule… bias

Tommy: okay, thank you, well now you’ve said it in a way that all the simpler viewers can understand thank you, so here’s what I’d like that say that. I think bias, and this is topical, and I don’t want everyone going cancelled!

Wilbur: tropical

Tommy: it is-

Wilbur: it’s tropical

Tommy: … it is tropical

Wilbur: Dream’s from the tropics

Tommy: you’ve just changed my perspective!

Wilbur: wait so what does that mean? What does your perspective mean now then

Tommy: I’M FROM FUCKING HARVARD WILBUR

Wilbur: yeah?

Tommy: AM I EVER GONNA BE WRONG? ASK YOURSELF THIS BEFORE TRYING TO TAKE ME DOWN

 Tommy: what’s an alumnae?

Wilbur: it’s like, think Bill Nye but he goes ‘lum’

 Wilbur: Phil I’m not a big fan of the philza’s a boomer meme right, but that is a very boomer thing you’re laughing at

 Tommy: the moment I was out that womb I went ‘round bullying

Wilbur: I can’t hear you I’m haylofting!

 Phil: gun time for daddy!

[shiftynightshade]

[Chat: The Jedi Orders Problem Children: Has Been Opened!]

 Thing 2: holy shit I forgot this thing existed

Trigger Happy: pff aah yes ye ol good days of tormenting adults

Thing 1: And ignoring our trauma! Quite the experience if I do say so myself.

Quinlan, Use Psychic Touch!: force obi u using grammer in a chat like that gives me a headache

Thing 1: And your lack of brain cells gives me a headache, but we don’t talk about that, do we Quinlan?

Quinlan, Use Psychic Touch!: i- WOW U DIDN’T HAVE TO COME FOR ME LIKE THAT OBES

Fuck Adults: wejdhjk theres nothing like waking up to obi wan just throwing shade like that

Sick of Your Shit: Well I mean… Quinaln was asking for it

Queen: Oh goodness, Garen why did you have to re open the Sith cursed chat?

Trigger Happy: :o

Best Raisin: The Queen has arrived!!

Thing 1: Hi Lumi, honestly should we even question what goes on in Garen’s head these days?

Queen: I guess not, much like Quinlan Garen sacrificed all of his braincells to you and Bant

Quinlan, Use psychic Touch!: what is this? Bullying garen and quinlan hours??

Queen: Of Course

Best Raisin: When isin’t it bullying quinlan and Garen hours?

Trigger Happy: should it be anthing else

Fuck Adults: obviously

Sick of You Shit: Yes

WHEAT: Yup

Acid Puddle: You two are the only ones in this chat without any braincells, so of course we’re gonna bully you

Thing 2: DID YOU TWO SERIOUSL COME ONLINE JUST TO ROAST ME AND QUIN?!?!?!

Wheat: Certainly

Quinlan, Use psychic Touch!: OBI YOUR BROTHERS ARE BULLIES

Thing 1: y’all hear something?

Trigger Happy: wow cant believe obi just murdered quinlan

Quinlan, Use psychic Touch!: quit tellin’ everyone im dead!

Fuck Adults: Its almost like you can still hear his voice

Quinlan, Use psychic Touch!: wow guess ill go and make out with fox now

Thing 1: You do that, Cody’s just pinged me and added all of our new shinies into the 212th chat.

Best Raisin: I’m surprised obi hasn’t adopted them all yet.

Sick of Your Shit: bold of you to assume he hasn’t already emotionally adopted them.

WHEAT: okay that’s fair

[Chat: 212th Comms: has Been Opened!]

[Feeling Glorious has added Firework, Spinner, Comet and Feather to the Chat! ]

Feeling Glorious: Welcome to the unofficial 212 comm lines shines, you’re one of us now. Ranks and regs don’t mean shit here so feel free to refer to us by or names.

Sunshine Brother: Welcome!

The Favourite: Hi!

Grumpy Brother: Oh force theres two of them

Feather: Thanks sirs, but who is who???

Feeling Glorious: Right. Roll Call! @Everyone State your name, pronouns and a fact about yourself.

Feeling Glorious: I’m Kote, or better known as Cody, I go by he/him pronouns and I have used a lightsaber before.

Spinner: :O Really!?

Sunshine Brother: YEAH It was awesome to watch! I’m Waxer, he/him and Boil and I accidentally adopted a young twi’lek girl named Numa as a little sister back on Ryloth

Grumpy Brother: Im Boil, he/him and I got my name because I spilt boiling water over my arm and hand when I was still a cadet n Kamino.

Barley: Barlex, he/they and I once sucker punched General Kenobi in the throat

Comet: !!!

Firework: HOW DI YOU NOT GET DE COMISSIONED!?

Barley: kenobi’s just pretty chill like that

Curlicue: Names Helix, he/him, medic  and Ihave dragged our general to medbay more times than I can count

Comet: that’s kinda concerning

Shifter Of Gears: Gearshift, they/them, and I once hid in the actual engine of the Negotiator during a game of hide and seek

CRYStal Clear: Crys, he/him and I dyed my hair blond but it now looks like it’s a goldish yellow

Spinner: nice vod

OverShot: Longshot, he/him I shot the clanker bitch himself in the face

Snaptrap: Trapper he/him and I got my name from how quickly I could both make and detect traps compared the the rest of my batchmates.

Feeling Glorious: We love and appreciate you Trapper

Snaptrap: UvU

Grumpy Brother: don’t appreciate THAT THOUGH

I’m Like An Onion, I have Layers: Peel, they/them and I once peeled and ate an entire onion like an apple without a single reaction.

Snaptrap: it was terrifying

Grog: Gregor, he/him and I’m the 212ths main source of moonshine.

The Favourite: I’m Wooley! I go by he/him pronouns and the general’s teaching me how to knit and crochet!

Feather: holy fuck your precious

Comet: I guess we introduce ourselves now????

Comet: well, im Comet, I prefer she/her pronouns and I own a sniper with comet decals all over it

Feather: I’m Feather, he/they and I got my name from having and I quote ‘feather light steps’ during stealth training

Firework: Right, I’m Firework, she/they and I love to paint!

The Favourite: ! Another artist? YES

Spinner: hye im Spinner he/him  and no matter how much I spin I cant get diy for some weird reason.

Feeling Glorious: right, Waxer, you know what to do!

Sunshine Brother: Yessir!

[User: Sunshine Brother: Has changed Feather’s name to: Dreamcatcher!:]

[User: Sunshine Brother: Has changed Comet’s name to: Knock-off Shooting Star!:]

[User: Sunshine Brother: Has changed Spinner’s name to: You Spin Me Right 'Round!:]

[User: Sunshine Brother: Has changed Firework’s name to :Bang Bang!:]

Feeling Glorious: Oh yeah, one more thing

Bang Bang: ?

The Favourite: @Stewed Ginger General!

You Spin Me Right ‘Round: the generals in the chat!?!?!?

Stewed Ginger: Indeed I am Spinner!

You Spin Me Right ‘Round: :HE USES OUR NAMES?!?!? @ Feeling Glorious:

Feeling Glorious: :Yup, he gets sad when we refer to ourselves as numbers:

Stewed Ginger: Right, well I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi, I go go by he/him pronouns and I know over five different languages :)

The Favourite: Hi General!

Snaptrap: Hi general!

Stewed Ginger: Hi boys!

Bang Bang: Uh General, what’s the meaning behind your user, if yo don’t mind me asking?

Stewed Ginger: I don’t mind at all Firework, but its not really creative. My user is just the beginning f my home planet Stewjon and my Hair colour.

Bang Bang: ah thank you sir!

Stewed Ginger: well how about we all meet in one of the rec rooms and get to know each other? I’m sure it will be beneficial for all of us!

Feeling Glorious: Meet you all in rec room 2 shinies!

[User :Feeling Glorious: has closed the chat for :0700: hours!]

[foryouthegays]

its time for a ‘assembling an army [Dream SMP]’ liveblog pogggg

bc people seem to like techno saying “puppy!” heres the timestamps for the times he says it in this stream and a few i remember from other times

10:30

12:35

2 mins into ‘minecraft VR is the ultimate fitness program’

and he doesnt say puppy but ‘train ‘em young (Collab with GURL GAMER ERMAGERD)’ is just. its so cute. please watch it. its techno playin and his little sister is in the background and i love it nd he says ‘pony’ nstead of horse so that counts. also his nod at 2:27 after his sister says ‘thats u!!’ is so cute like ahhhHHH and at 3:25 his sister says doggy and it sounds so similar to how techno says it in the vr vid ahhhhhhHHH sorry i just love that vid so much u can hear techno in the bg its so good

ALSO HE DID A ‘DO DO DOOO’ AT 15:20 :D!!!!!!!AND 1:07:45

if yall dont watch vods, he starts his stream with ‘starting the streaamm!!!!’ and its adorable. i highly recommend watchin the start of his streams just for that

as always, he says three in the prettiest way possible and i hate it. how can you make the word THREE sound nice its. its not allowed 

hes calling the wither skull place (which i had been calling theseus’ vault/home) the bunker and i kinda like that. (1:15)

“worst case scenario, he’s building an ugly tower outside of my base, best case scenario, he died!” 2:50

heres the link tommy sends at 7:10 https://www.reddit.com/r/tommyinnit/comments/kfdsid/i_know_tommy_likes_cobblestone_towers_so_heres_an/?sort=new

7:50

tommy: “what are your deepest emotions”

techno: “uhhh....revenge.”

tommy: -laughs- “what about like, you know, love.

techno: “not so much.”

tommy: -laughs- “hey, ok”

techno: “love? sounds kinda cringe,”

tommy: -laughs harder- “love?? all i know is anarchy!”

techno: “all i know is anarchy, violence, and get subscriber, ok? thats all you need.”

aroace c!techno pog??

the “i know another word for dog” “puppy!!!” convo is at 10:30 btw. techno is just. am love he

“you’re trying to think of one redeeming quality you have and you’re stuttering. you’re stuttering, tommy.” LSFJDLKDSJF 14:30

techno making fun of tommy falling through snow and then immediately doing the exact same thing is so funny a;sdkfjkasd 15:25

17:10 ah yes, a sheep, the opposite of a dog, mhmm

19:25 “tommy i dont believe in laws” LKSFJHDLA

“i need you i need you i need you” “i’m right here.” AWWWW  20:25

DREAM JOINED OH GOD 21:00

i feel like techno is just,,,,constantly redirecting the convo back to dogs to try nd distract tommy

OH GOD DREAM NO 28:00 GO AWAY

hhghn the way that techno asked tommy to describe his location,,,,,,isnt that LITERALLY grounding??? ik it was so tech could find him but just,,,tommy immediately started talking clearer and responding better to techno,,,,,hhgnn

AWW TECHNO CALLED IT ‘OUR HOUSE’ AT 29:25

why is technos laptop just randomly telling him abt pagodas im ksfhjdal 30:20

30:50 techno has access to twitch in universe

31:40 tECHNOS ‘Y O U’ IS SO FUNNY SFHGDJKAL

32:05 dream no. ‘hey I’m on my way to your house, need to have a chat with you’ GO AWAY 

WHY DOES HE HAVE A SECRET CHEST WHY IS HE LIKE THIS WHY IS HE SO SECRETIVE AHHHH 36:05

37:55 as much as i hate c! dream i just. i love dream nd technos dynamic so much but i know dreams gonna be in character and it makes me sad bc nooo dont be mean :(

38:50 “tommy....left” “who?” GFJHSKDL TECHNO IM IHUGFJSKDLA 

wait but techno couldve made skyblock canon in the smp universe if explained the sell foot as the ‘pigs foot’ from slaying dragons in skyblock and saying that they made people faster but nooOOOOooOOooooOOoooOOOoo gkfjshdl 39:45

techno just spelled coughing ‘caughing’ and idiot ‘idfiot’ im,,,,,hfdgkjs 40:50

TECHNO WHEN WE SAY U USE BIG WORDS WE DONT MEAN ‘ALOOF’ WE MEAN SHIT LIKE ‘RECIPROCITY’ HFGJDKSL 41:00  i doNT EVEN KNOW IF THATS THE WORD HE SAID IM SO DONE WITH HIM AHH

“what does impaired mean?” so THATS who technos talkin bout not knowin english 52:30 (bonus: “it means its out of pair, tommy”)

52:50 my god these people are so dumb im crying could u imagine just casually walking ur dog and u just hear yelling in the distance and u look up to see two sets of enchanted netherite, one with a dog and one with a llama who seems to be spitting at the owner, yelling at each other about staying stealthy and ur like ‘this may as well happen’ and one of them jUMPS OFF A BRIDGE and the other just yeets the llama down before jumping off as well and u see the dog walk up to u and u can kinda see an outline of someone and ur like whatever and then the other person walks by holding bamboo and no armor on with the llama still spitting and then one of them starts yelling at the other and ur like iS THAT TOMMY??? I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD??? and u realize the other is techno and ur like,,,,god why did i move to this cursed country and then the llama starts talking and spitting at u just. and u just. u leave. u just gotta leave. 

and then now ur ranboo, going to figure out whats happening and theres a llama that starts spitting at u and ur like ????? and u see some dogs and u turn around and then theyre gone and then tommy (who, once again, is thought to be dead) texts you and says u should join vc3 and then the llama starts talking and telling u to give up all ur things and then u DIE sjkdfal; 

anD THEN THE LLAMA DIES ALSDKJFALDKFA I LOVE THIS SERVER ITS SO DUMB

GKJHSFDL I LOVE RANBOO SO MUCH

god these people have no braincells when theyre together its so funny 

1:10:20 sCHLATT????? WHA T

🦀TOMMY IS GONE 🦀 1:15:00 (also: “he died as he lived, an absolute moron” JFKSDL TECHNO)

SJKHFDAL RANBOO JOINED THE GAME JUST TO SAY ‘THAT BETTER BE CANON TOMMY’ AND THEN JUST L E F T (1:18:45)

SFDGHJKAL TOMMYS MAD BC HE HAD 18 LEVELS AND DIED AND TECHNOS JUST C A S U A L L Y AT 100 DFSJHKLA I LOVE THEM

“ew, imagine using valid arguments to refute my idiotic points” god i love techno so much (1:19:50)

[autisticlalna]

hdgsgsdf omg karl's latest diaries are a trip and a delight when thinking about honk, like esp once he knows that honk's influenced by the in between, karl literally references the in between as a friend looking out for him!! honk is literally karl's friend guiding and helping him!! and then the hints that theres more going on that he can't trust, his hesitancy about the in between translating over to honk. it's so fun to think about, applying the canon to the spau. like "i genuinely feel safe talking to honk about what's troubling me, but clearly i can't trust him with everything, even if he is trying to protect me, bc i dont know how much of him anymore is me or him or the inbetween"

but oooooooo, that sounds like such a cool fic part!!! bro!!! sapnap expecting honk to be, like, a legitimate shadow, a karl-tinted version of his own, but it just feels halfway like talking to karl and it's So Weird. i can imagine at some point later sapnap hearing karl call his name and turning around like "hey karl! :D" but it's. just honk standing there.

and Yes poor honk!! like he didn't ask for Any of this, he could've formed whatever relationships and friendships he wanted, and instead he has to deal with this weird guilt trip of feeling like hes somehow stealing karl's, bc he remembers them all like he was there and the more he gains about them the more karl loses. and on top of that, it's not like any of them are reciprocated bc no matter how it feels honk is not karl??? which leaves honk in this awful limbo where he wants to reach out but he also Does Not Want to reach out, and it won't turn out well either way. :(

but shsjhdahgdjs it's like!!! the argo question thing!! how many times can you repair a ship, replacing it's broken parts, until it's just not the same ship anymore. except here it's also if you use all the old parts to build a whole new identical ship, what's the difference between the new ship and the original? which is the real argo? LIKE. that's such a terrifying question for both of them to ponder!! if theres nothing left of karl, but honk now has everything he lost, how the heck do either of them come back from that?? that's suuuuch an intriguing slope to think about, omg.

hfhdhshdh i went back to watch the vod of it and its still. so good. karl coming back up from the secret room and they're just There, and karl going through and checking every single book, clearly freaked out, and then putting all of them back, like. Bruh. it hits so hard

honk really do be like ":]" vibes and karl runs away

hhhhh, honk starting out more shadowy and just acting as the in between says and then gradually getting more and more persony and rationalizing it to help karl, and then shooting the in between in the foot bc yes he was brought out to help the in between but even more he was brought out to help karl and he knows which of the two takes priority (trying to ignore which one has the ability to dictate his actions tho). like!!!!! honk's character arc!!!!!! his friendship with karl!!!!! my heart is full!!!

but legit, karl will show up in the black hoodie and all of us will (beyonce meme) HONK!?

also. honk playlist. :o pog

me: i am going to go to bed inbox: [1] me: i am not going to go to bed (I PROMISE IM GOING TO GO TO BED AFTER I ANSWER THIS I JUST GOT EXCITED)

ITS SO SO SO SO SO MUCH FUN WHEN CANON STUFF ENDS UP SUPPORTING SPAU DECISIONS theres like, a joke back when spau was only a hermitcraft thing where we accidentally predicted some elements of season 7 waaayyyy before s7 was even announced. its wild. AND ITS SUCH A FUN PERSPECTIVE TO ADD ON TO IT like, man im just thinkin abt that journal now. AND YEA THE UHHH WILD WEST ONE WHERE HE’S LIKE “i can see why the inbetween wanted me to move the library, im glad i have someone looking out for me” OR W/E . GOD DAMN

YEAH LIKE,,, sapnap’s starting to get how his own shadow (Pan! i love pan. would love to draw him someday.) acts, has some reasonable expectations for when he interacts with honk, and honk is just... Off. Wrong. it’s like he’s talking to karl but just a Little off-center, somewhere between comfortable and uncomfortable, aaand i just remembered i wrote something somewhere hold on

He’s surrounded by people he vaguely knows from secondhand becoming firsthand— random memories and anecdotes about players he’s never spoken to falling through the gaps in Karl’s memory to land in his hands. Honk has never met Lazar, but the connection of face-to-name is there; he remembers being close to Eret, but Eret probably doesn’t even know he exists.  It’s almost a relief to meet people Karl hasn’t, because Honk has time to build up his own perspective before it gets knocked askew by the inbetween shoving more pages into his book.

    The hardest ones to talk to are Sapnap and Quackity. Karl’s still holding onto most of his memories of them, but there’s some things that slipped through his fingers. It makes Honk’s heart hurt looking at them, and it’s not helped at all by his shadow instincts raising their hackles at the sight of a player. There’s been awkward scenes where Sapnap would try to talk to him— ask him where Karl was, ask him about his day, let him know Pan was around, overall trying to be a nice guy— and Honk would treat it like mashing through all the dialogue options to get through the conversation as quickly as possible before he snapped.

    He’s pretty sure Sapnap thinks he’s an asshole. It sucks.

HI THAT’S FROM AN UNFINISHED FIC THAT WAS MOSTLY ME FIGURING OUT HONK’S OPINIONS ON EVERYONE IN PREPARATION FOR WRITING OTHER THINGS anyway honk is just, Uncanny and also attempting to alt+f4 out of any social interaction with people he has cluttered feelings about bc it is intensely uncomfortable for everyone involved lmao

YEAH... YEAH.......... bc like, no one Actually Knows what honk’s deal is asides from him being a Weird Shadow, so he cant exactly like. open up to like, sap or q or anybody bc they have like, no idea who he even Is. and like, would they even believe him? karl can still get the support he needs if he’s ever able to reach out and spill his secrets, but honk only has karl. kinda very ow now that i think about it. ):

SHIP OF THESEUS!!!!!!!!! hi me and my roommate go apeshit over the ship of theseus for. numerous reasons. so i literally dm’d them after seeing this in my inbox like YOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS lmfao anyway. its SO weird and cool and fucked up to think about, and also very much a question they’re going to have to face if they don’t fix karl’s memory Fast

MAN I LOVE KARL’S ACTING IN THE INBETWEEN SEGMENTS altho him putting the books back very politely is kinda funny. also seeing signed books stack in his hotbar is actually weirdly terrifying. AUGH IM PROBABLY GONNA BE ANALYZING ALL THE INBETWEEN SEMGNETS TOMORROW ARENT I i have. worms

honk, circa masquerade: i won’t let you forget! karl: nice! pog! honk, circa haunted mansion: we make a good team! :] karl: [RUNS] honk: :[ ?????

YES!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!!!! like even tho honk’s spent like, his conscious existence helping the inbetween’s plans, he’s also been helping karl, been seeing him after every journey-- and even if every part of him the inbetween rooted itself into is yelling “no”, honk is gonna fight against it as hard as he can because karl needs help and honk is Here To Help Him and karl is his priority. the library is not more important than his summoner’s safety. it never has been, no matter what the inbetween told them both.

.....IM LISTENING TO THE WIP PLAYLIST AS I TYPE THIS AND AIRFIELD JUST STARTED PLAYING AND IM GONNA CRY (rn the playlist is like 4 songs but tomorrow ill pop off. i love making fanmixes)

grabs black hoodie karl. you have a 50/50 chance of being diagnosed with honk, you little twerp

[wiredentrails]

HI HI HI cool so for the ask game foolish and philza !! <33 - technochan-owo

omg i low key forgot i reblogged that LMAOO but YES! OK! also sorry this is a bit long bc i'm not just saying one of the things i'm also giving more in depth opinions lol.

ok so for foolish i'll be honest i don't watch his streams so i know very little about his character. basically all i know is from what i saw in the red banquet vod and that he built the mansion for ranboo and tubbo and also potentially knows or recognizes eret? i do really really like the concept of him being some sort of god or something with the totems but that's about all i can say. he seems cool!

for philza...god i don't even know what to say. i don't think i'd call myself a philza apologist but i am a bit of an enthusiast/enjoyer? im interested to see where his character goes in the future. i love the whole thing about him writing letters back and forth with wilbur and rushing to lmanburg when he stopped hearing from him...that's so fucking cool. also the possibility of him and foolish being pen pals?? very cool for both of them. i know the good dad vs bad dad debate is pretty controversial and i'm ngl i have mixed opinions. on the one hand he was canonically a caring father (the letters, immediately rushing to lmanburg, not wanting to kill wilbur, his guilt, etc) so idk if i'd call him Bad. but also i'm just like,...cmon man you didn't Haveeee to kill wilbur. it's a little hard for me to get past but i also don't think he's as terrible and awful as some fans make him out to be. now that wilbur is revived i'd love to see some sort of closure/healing/any sort of interaction lmao between them but also potentially? his thought process or something? i'm not all that caught up with phil's individual lore so i might be spewing total bullshit rn

[theworstbob]

every grammy for record of the year settled

another installment of what is slowly becoming a series of me pointing at things i’m mostly okay with and making simple jokes instead of writing actual things. i have six rough drafts of fictional shorts i said i wanted to post by the end of january and now its february 11th and fuck, dude, but this is so much easier!

1959 "Catch a Falling Star," by Perry Como "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)," by David Seville "Fever," by Peggy Lee "Witchcraft," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)," by Domenico Modugno

This field actually sets the tone for all the future Grammy categories to come. There's 2 songs that are really fucking good, there's one person who's here because they have a reputation as a person who is popular, there's some fucking awful bullshit that we're only going to remember in five years because it's, y'know, fucking awful bullshit, and then the winner is some obscure nonsense that sort of renders the whole operation moot, like if in 2007 the Oscar for Best Picture went to Chumscrubber, or if the Falcons won the Super Bowl. Peggy Lee/Frank Sinatra : Beyonce/Rihanna+Drake :: Perry Como : Adele, David Seville : Lukas Graham :: Domenico Modugno : twenty one pilots.

Yeah the winner is "Fever." I'm not looking to re-invent the wheel here, the best song of these five is "Fever," like are you kidding me, "Fever." "Fever," guys. "Catch a Falling Star" is a relic of an era where all we wanted from male pop stars was for them to be a gentle father in a sweater to say he's proud of us, "Witchcraft" goes but its only failure is that it's not "Fever," hahaha they actually thought "The Chipmunk Song" would stand the test of time, and "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)?" Fuck outta here, "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)." I have nothing to say to you. What are you? I don't care. You're not "Fever." Also I immediately regret this exercise because now I'm just angry I'm alive in era where songs don't have horn sections. Someone give me a big band cover of "Closer." Yeah I know Postmodern Jukebox did "Closer" BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY I WANTED. DO IT AGAIN.

TRUE ENDING: "Fever"

1960 "A Fool Such as I," by Elvis Presley "High Hopes," by Frank Sinatra "Like Young," by Andre Previn "The Three Bells," by The Browns WINNER: "Mack the Knife," by Bobby Darin

Im going to give Andre Previn a shitton of extra credit here for apparently naming his album Secret Songs for Young Lovers, which is a simply killer album title. Like I think only Mitski's Bury Me at Makeout Creek can stand up to that title. I'm also giving it extra credit for being an instrumental, that's just refreshing. It still only adds up to a strong second, I'm not here to be contrarian (yet), they got it right, but yo, Andre Previn! You seem chill.

TRUE ENDING: "Mack the Knife"

1961 "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley "Georgia on My Mind," by Ray Charles "Mack the Knife," by Ella Fitzgerald "Nice 'n Easy," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Theme from A Summer Place," by Percy Faith

Hey! Black people! I legitimately was worried we wouldn't see them for another few years, but hey, they got an early invite (relative to American history)! I like that "Mack the Knife" was nominated again. It makes me wish that, last year, both Tay Tay's "Blank Space" and the indie dudebro's "Blank Space" cover had been nominated simultaneously. When you type "Georgia on My Mind" into the YouTube search bar, suggested searches include "Ludacris," "Willie Nelson," and "Michael Buble," and that is one person away from being a party I'd like to attend. I really want to give this to "Mack the Knife" again because I think that'd be funny, and I, an ignoramus, shouted "YO THIS IS THAT SONG?" the second I heard "Theme from A Summer Place," I've heard that used as a music cue in a billion comedies, that song is iconic, but the winner is "Georgia on My Mind." That song won an Oscar for Jamie Foxx.

TRUE ENDING: "Georgia on My Mind"

1962 "Big Bad John," by Jimmy Dean "The Second Time Around," by Frank Sinatra "Take Five," by The Dave Brubeck Quartet "(Up a) Lazy River," by Si Zentner WINNER: "Moon River," by Henry Mancini

"Big Bad John" just makes me angry that country music used to feel legit and dangerous, and nowadays Brantley Gilbert thinks he's an outlaw because he has a tattoo honoring the 2nd Amendment (a law). I promised myself I wouldn't turn any one part of this into an extended treatise on bro country, but it's not extended if I keep it to two sentences, however compounded they may be! Anyhoo. These are five decidedly not-unpleasant songs by five white dudes. I understand I'm making an assumption about Si Zentner here, but it's 1962. People were still wearing hats in this season of Mad Men, I think it's a safe assumption. I think. I dunno. I think? Yeah, fuck it, "Take Five," that had a pretty boss drum section. Imagine listening to every song made in 1961 and thinking, "Yes. These. I love these five songs." "Stand By Me" was the biggest hit of the year. "Runaway" was number two, I'm pretty sure that was a banger, and if not at least it couldn't be worse than these five. "Hit the Road Jack." "Crying." "Shop Around." "Crazy." Hey guys I just made a hot discovery, I think solely using the Grammy nominees for Record of the Year does not an accurate snapshot of music history provide.

TRUE ENDING: It doesn't matter because it can't be "Stand By Me," but "Take Five" I guess

1963 "Desafinado," by Stan Getz & Charlie Byrd "Fly Me to the Moon Bossa Nova," by Joe Harnell and His Orchestra "I Can't Stop Loving You," by Ray Charles "What Kind of Fool Am I?" by Sammy Davis Jr. WINNER: "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," by Tony Bennett

You can pick up some interesting tidbits from music history, though, such as the fact conductors would have "and their orchestra" in their name. I'd be so much more okay with the state of things, as they are, if The Chainsmokers would start going by The Chainsmokers and Their Soundboard. I don't mean to impugn The Chainsmokers' ability as songwriters, I'd listen to "Closer" a million times before I gave any of these songs another spin, I would just prefer more accuracy in my song attribution. Also the extra credit "Like Young" got for being an instrumental is waning. I could have listened to "Run Up" five times. That's what I could have done with these twenty minutes. ...At least they didn't nominate "The Monster Mash." It wouldn't have been without precedent! They could have nominated "The Monster Mash." No matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.

TRUE ENDING: "I Can't Stop Loving You"

1964 "Dominique," by The Singing Nun "Happy Days Are Here Again," by Barbra Streisand "I Wanna Be Around," by Tony Bennett "Wives and Lovers," by Jack Jones WINNER: "Days of Wine and Roses," by Henry Mancini

when do the 1960s get to the seasons of mad men with stan in them. oh okay hi there "wives and lovers" aren't you horrible. what a blast from the past you are. why am i doing this. fuck it.

TRUE ENDING: "Dominique"

1965 "Downtown," by Petula Clark "Hello, Dolly!" by Louis Armstrong "I Want to Hold Your Hand," by The Beatles "People," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "The Girl from Ipanema," by Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz

HERE. WE. FUCKING. GO. Holy shit. Up-tempo music! Songs I wouldn't only ever listen to in hotel lobbies, that aren't all the exact same ballad! What good fortune! We can actually have a fun debate over which of these songs was actually the best! Sort of. I mean. Just in terms of cultural impact, it's "I Want to Hold Your Hand." I wouldn't dare argue that "I Want to Hold Your Hand" isn't a historically significant song. But "Downtown" is just a nice song about going to the city and seeing a moviefilm, "Hello, Dolly!" is just a wonderful little ditty which brings to mind Freakazoid, "People," erm, and "The Girl from Ipanema" is about as surreal as it gets when you're talking about Record of the Year nominees. And we're not talking about cultural impact, y'know? (At least for now, this is gonna go all over the place.) We're talking about my shitty opinion which, here, overlaps with that of the Grammys in this instance. "The Girl from Ipanema" is dope.

TRUE ENDING: "The Girl from Ipanema"

1966 "Yesterday," by The Beatles "The 'In' Crowd," by The Ramsey Lewis Trio "King of the Road," by Roger Miller "The Shadow of Your Smile," by Tony Bennett WINNER: "A Taste of Honey," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

It sounds like taking the easy way out to pick what is widely recognized as the best song ever made by what is widely recognized as the best rock band of all time, but. Um. It's really hard to argue for the other four songs here. You could, in a vacuum, almost make an argument for "The 'In' Crowd?" But I'm at the point in this project where I am completely okay with the idea of never hearing a jazz instrumental ever again. Also I regret being mean to Barbra Streisand the last two years, you're right, those jokes were unair, she's a national treasure and I miss the days when true theatre kids could score Record of the Year noms. The only representation theatre kids get in pop music these days is Tay Tay, and that's disappointing. Anyhoo, yeah, fucking "Yesterday." Whatever.

TRUE ENDING: "Yesterday"

1967 "Almost Persuaded," by David Houston "Monday, Monday," by The Mamas & the Papas "What Now My Love," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass "Winchester Cathedral," by The New Vaudeville Band WINNER: "Strangers in the Night," by Frank Sinatra

One positive from this experience is that all the Mario Maker videos that YouTube had been recommending to me for months are being replaced with songs from the '60s YouTube thinks I might enjoy. Lemme talk about my YouTube recommendations window for a hot second because it’s gone through some shit to get me to watch Mario Maker content. There was a chain. Like, carlsagan42, I could understand, I'd watched AGDQ VODs that featured him, YouTube knew I liked speedrunning and Let's Plays of Mario Maker, here's this guy. And GrandPooBear, that was fair, he was in AGDQ, he seemed like a chill dude, it made sense I would enjoy him, too. But now it's recommending just random dudes to me. "Here's a white dude with a beard playing carlsagan's troll level!" Alright, I guess I fuck with him, he seems chill. "Hey! We found this white dude with a beard playing that white dude with a beard's troll level!" Wh - okay, this is, why is his display name Japanese, I don't, why are y "Here's a dude who just plays troll levels!" GREAT, WHY. WHY DID HE MAKE A CAREER OF DOING THAT. These songs are uninspiring, is what I'm saying. In 1966, notable releases (according to Wikipedia so who actually knows but I'ma go with it) include "The Sound of Silence," "Uptight (Everything's Alright)," "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," "When a Man Loves a Woman," "Paint it Black," "You Can't Hurry Love," "It's a Man's Man's Man's World," "I Got You (I Feel Good)," "Good Vibrations," "I'm a Believer," and "You Keep Me Hanging On." "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." "God Only Knows!" I listened to "Winchester Cathedral." None of these songs deserve any recognition.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Monday, Monday" but legit who could find it in them to care

1968 "By the Time I Get to Phoenix," by Glen Campbell "My Cup Runneth Over," by Ed Ames "Ode to Billie Joe," by Bobbie Gentry "Somethin' Stupid," by Nancy Sinatra & Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Up, Up and Away," by The 5th Dimension

R E S P-E C T No but like legit there was one year where it sounded like the Grammys were finally over the '50s. Ah, but no! No. ...The world had "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" in 1967. Fucking, a version of "Try a Little Tenderness" dropped in 1967. AND THEY HAD "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER." I AM APPALLED. I AM AGHAST. THIS I -- man, fuck this awards show in particular. I'm giving this to "Ode to Billie Joe" because it's the only song of this bunch I feel I'm being unfair to by bringing up better songs. That song holds its own. It's dark, it's grim, it fucks you up in all the right ways. It's the rare song that feels dated because it's so far ahead of its genre's current game. And I guess I'm down with "Up, Up and Away," too, sure, yeah, whatever, I'm down for a nice song about balloon rides. Everything else, tho. Especially "Somethin' Stupid." Wow. That sure is a thing that happened. That sure is a thing multiple people thought was a great idea! My stars.

TRUE ENDING: "Ode to Billie Joe"

1969 "Harper Valley PTA," by Jeannie C. Riley "Hey Jude," by The Beatles "Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro "Wichita Lineman," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Mrs. Robinson," by Simon & Garfunkel

In back-to-back years, country songs performed by women were nominated for Record of the Year and subsequently adopted into feature-length films. Country music used to own, is the primary takeaway from this exercise so far. Anyhoo. I'm not gonna judge these nominees by what they could have been, because it's not necessarily these songs' fault they're not the songs that actually define this era of American history. They're nice, safe songs, and it's totally understandable why a committee wouldn't disagree with making these the five songs they wanted to present to an increasingly discomfited public for their good-time parade of nice-seeming celebrity. I don't know why I expected an awards show to lead any kind of movement in the late 1960s, it's not their job now and it certainly wasn't then, but I thought I'd at least be getting jams from the past. I got the worst Beatles song and "My Cup Runneth Over."

TRUE ENDING: "Harper Valley PTA"

1970 "A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash "Is That All There Is?" by Peggy Lee "A Time for Us," by Henry Mancini "Spinning Wheel," by Blood, Sweat & Tears WINNER: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In," by The 5th Dimension

Well, this is the least disappointing batch of nominees in years! These songs are more than unobjectionable. "A Boy Named Sue" and "Is That All There Is?" and "Aquarius" are all unimpeachable. Picking one of those three is rough, but honestly I'm just stoked to have a hard choice to make. ...I almost want to go with "A Boy Named Sue" just so I don't have to agree with the Grammys after slagging on them so much, but like "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In." Like, I have a vision of what the 1970s sounded like, and I just typed I had a vision of what something sounded like and I need to like take a walk or drink a water or something. Take a moment, take a breath, come back stronger.

TRUE ENDING: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In"

1971

"(They Long to Be) Close to You," by The Carpenters "Everything is Beautiful," by Ray Stevens "Fire and Rain," by James Taylor "Let It Be," by The Beatles WINNER: "Bridge Over Troubled Water," by Simon & Garfunkel

...OK I'm not into any of these so let's just list other notable songs that were likely released in 1970. "ABC." "Big Yellow Taxi." "Black Magic Woman." "Express Yourself." "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine." "I WANT YOU BACK." They nominated a song which explicitly states that everything is beautiful and ignored the song which provides IRREFUTABLE FUCKING PROOF the world is beautiful. We're not done. "Lola." "The Letter." "Paranoid." "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS." NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ONLY THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG OF ALL TIME. THAT HAS NO PLACE IN THE GRAMMYS! WHY SHOULD IT? THERE'S TOO MANY BALLADS IN THE WORLD FOR US TO PAY "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS" ANY MIND. Shit. I dunno. How could I possibly know.

TRUE ENDING: "(They Long to Be) Close to You"

1972 "Joy to the World," by Three Dog Night "My Sweet Lord," by George Harrison "Theme from Shaft," by Isaac Hayes "You've Got a Friend," by James Taylor WINNER: "It's Too Late," by Carole King

OH HELL YES. I can get behind this field, which is to say: I am getting behind the theme from Shaft. "Joy to the World" is lovably loony, I'm not about to speak ill of Carole King, "My Sweet Lord" is about as good a song like that as you're ever gonna find, but Shaft. Shaft, y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Theme from Shaft"

1973 "Alone Again (Naturally)," by Gilbert O'Sullivan "American Pie," by Don McLean "Song Sung Blue," by Neil Diamond "Without You," by Harry Nilsson WINNER: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack

"Superstition." I honestly don't get what Kanye hopes to accomplish by boycotting the Grammys when the Grammys couldn't give "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours" or "Superstition" their due. What even was that Gilbert O'Sullivan nonsense. Criminy. This is, this is just who they are, y'know? Neil Diamond sings the blues. That most iconic blues performer, Neil Diamond. They get no points for giving the trophy to Roberta Flack. Roberta Flack is something we can all agree on, you don't get a PhD in astronomy for pointing at the sun and saying "that's a bright ol' star!" and you don't get credence as a song-recognizing function for recognizing Roberta Flack made a good song.

TRUE ENDING: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"

1974 "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown," by Jim Croce "Behind Closed Doors," by Charlie Rich "You Are the Sunshine of My Life," by Stevie Wonder "You're So Vain," by Carly Simon WINNER: "Killing Me Softly with His Song," by Roberta Flack

I. I don't WANT to agree with this terrible program twice in a row. I'm glad to see Stevie eventually got a make-up nom, but I don't really feel that song too deeply (at least, judged against the rest of his catalogue; this would be the best song Gilbert O'Sullivan ever made by a country-ass mile), and no that doesn't make any sense but I've listened to 16 years' worth of songs the Grammys think are good, I'm not in a good place right now. I could easily say "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" takes it, it's a great song, it wouldn't be that b -- but "Killing Me Softly with His Song," though! Am I sort of giving it the nod because of The Fugees' version? Yes, but, see, The Fugees' version doesn't get nominated, so.

TRUE ENDING: "Killing Me Softly with His Song"

1975 "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," by Elton John "Feel Like Makin' Love," by Roberta Flack "Help Me," by Joni Mitchell "Midnight at the Oasis," by Maria Muldaur WINNER: "I Honestly Love You," by Olivia Newton-John

...I mean. I sort of decided to make Roberta Flack a hero today after spending a lifetime not thinking of her that often? But I spent the entire 1960s listening to jazz compositions and friendly dads giving me life advice. "Feel Like Makin' Love" is, when considering the scale of this project, like breathing in skunkless country air after a lifetime in the city. Which isn't to say "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" isn't the class of the pop sub-genre Songs Clay Aiken Can Capably Perform, or that "Help Me" isn't a jam. Just, Roberta Flack made three nice songs, and that makes this project worth pursuing somehow, no matter how many times I have to listen to blondes whisper about how much they love someone.

TRUE ENDING: "Feel Like Makin' Love"

1976 "At Seventeen," by Janis Ian "Lyin' Eyes," by Eagles "Mandy," by Barry Manilow "Rhinestone Cowboy," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain & Tennille

the best song i heard in this batch was the five seconds of rock guitar in the miller lite ad that presaged "rhinestone cowboy." i mean, on its own, "rhinestone cowboy" would have been the true ending, but that five seconds of guitar the youtube advertising algorithm attached to the beginning pushed it over the top.

TRUE ENDING: "Rhinestone Cowboy"

1977 "Afternoon Delight," by Starland Vocal Band "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," by Paul Simon "I Write the Songs," by Barry Manilow "If You Leave Me Now," by Chicago WINNER: "This Masquerade," by George Benson

...So, it's been a while, right, since we complained that what was presented to us isn't what it could've been? But since a clear novelty song about bangin' when the sun's out was given a nod, let's see what else 1976 had to offer. Hm, well, the two biggest hits of the year were "Dancing Queen" and "Bohemian Rhapsody." Those aren't too egregious, assuming your standard for egregious is "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours." Which is to say, if you're dead inside, those aren't notable omissions. "Baby, I Love Your Way" is as basic as anything in this field, but I think people remember that as an Actually Good song, so I'ma bring that up. "I Wish!" "The Rubberband Man" is the best song about a fat man playing his body as an instrument you're ever like to hear. "Squeeze Box" was the centerpoint of one of the better Freaks & Geeks scenes. I'm listening to "I Write the Songs." Everyone who thinks the past is better is wrong. "I Write the Songs” is a less self-aware version of "7 Years." "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" is acceptable, I guess. It was compelling, and it grabbed my attention. I think "This Masquerade" had its moments, but "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" had me. I dunno. I think it's just bad that I, a music history simpleton, could come up with a viable ROTY field with like half a minute of looking at Wikipedia. Hell, I'm gonna go ahead and be super unfair and judge the Grammys for not seeing into the future and seeing all the dope tweets about "The Boys Are Back in Town."

TRUE ENDING: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

1978 "Blue Bayou," by Linda Rondstadt "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue," by Crystal Gayle "Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star Is Born)," by Barbra Streisand "You Light Up My Life," by Debby Boone WINNER: "Hotel California," by Eagles

I'm going to give this year props for featuring four songs performed by women in the ROTY field. Remember my alt-nominee field from last year? The only women in that field were in ABBA. So at least the Grammys got this right, ignore the racial composition of this field DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT, and then it would be until 1999 that the Grammys would have another year with a 4:1 female:male ratio in this category. Anyway, "Blue Bayou." If that surprises you, you haven't been paying attention.

TRUE ENDING: "Blue Bayou"

1979 "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty "Feels So Good," by Chuck Mangione "Stayin' Alive," by Bee Gees "You Needed Me," by Anne Murray WINNER: "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel

...i thought we were done with jazz instrumentals. another fool am i. Anyway fuck everything in this world that isn't the sax solo in "Baker Street" for not being the sax solo in "Baker Street." See that song is basically a jazz instrumental, but,,, the sax solo in "Baker Street" is maybe the greatest thing that's ever been? Also let's just note how the first disco song nominated for Record of the Year is by three white dudes. Dope. History is cool. But at least we have the sax solo from "Baker Street" to keep us warm.

TRUE ENDING: "Baker Street"

1980 "After the Love Has Gone," by Earth, Wind and Fire "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," by Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond WINNER: "What a Fool Believes," by The Doobie Brothers

listen, i took some time off to do other things, and then i woke up at two am this morning and said, "let's continue this fool's errand!" and i made it through a few years and now it's two hours later and i am interesting in selecting the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS CHOICE and moving on

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Survive"

1981 "The Rose," by Bette Midler "Lady," by Kenny Rogers "Theme from New York, New York," by Frank Sinatra "Woman in Love," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "Sailing," by Christopher Cross

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. um. i mean, 1980 isn't a particularly inspiring year? but got.DAMN this field is so bad "escape (the pina colada song)" has a viable claim to snub status. how did this awards show survive? how did we never do better than this? are we just committed to not being into the american music awards?

TRUE ENDING: "Woman in Love"

1982 "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," by Christopher Cross "(Just Like) Starting Over," by John Lennon "Endless Love," by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie "Just the Two of Us," by Grover Washington, Jr. with Bill Withers "Bette Davis Eyes," by Kim Carnes

I've listened to two Christopher Cross songs and "Endless Love" before having any coffee, which was a mistake. We're at this weird point in history where my unearned nostalgia doesn't exist because I'm pretty sure the '80s were mostly terrible, and the Grammys aren't 1981 bad because I get a chance to shout out Bill Withers (which I'm sure he totally appreciates, this sort of seems like something that wouldn't insult his very being, is some asshat pointing out how great he is in a whole entire piece where nothing of substance is ever said), but they're still really fuckin' bad. Also ignore what I said about the '80s being terrible because fuckin' "9 to 5" was dropped this year, as was "Don't Stop Believin'!" They selected John Lennon's best Queen impression. Dead Kennedys released a song called "Nazi Punks Fuck Off!" in 1981. That classic is, somehow, timeless.

TRUE ENDING: "Just the Two of Us"

1983 "Steppin' Out," by Joe Jackson "Ebony and Ivory," by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder "Always on My Mind," by Willie Nelson "Chariots of Fire," by Vangelis WINNER: "Rosanna," by Toto

As alluded to above, I am a card-carrying member of something I guess I have to call Poo Nation. (There is no card, regrettably.) I'd have to check the rules, but I am pretty sure I'm not allowed to besmirch the good name of Toto, even if the song in question is not "Africa." I think "Steppin' Out" might've been a good true ending in an alternate universe, and it's hard to deny "Chariots of Fire" is legendary (if anything has to be the last instrumental I hear while doing this, I'm glad it was that), but I'm not tryna incur anyone's wrath here. Also, hey, here's Stevie Wonder and Willie Nelson, getting makeup nods for lesser tracks. "Ebony and Ivory," that's just a more prestigious version of "Accidental Racist." No one should feel good about that song. But the first six seconds of Rosanna, that's a sort of "pinnacle of human achievement" thing, that's something we should put in a museum.

TRUE ENDING: "Rosanna"

1984 "Flashdance... What a Feeling," by Irene Cara "Every Breath You Take," by The Police "All Night Long (All Night)," by Lionel Richie "Maniac," by Michael Sembello WINNER: "Beat It!" by Michael Jackson

Wh... What is this? What just happened? A whole five songs I've listened to outside the context of this project? Songs which all still endure to this day? A winner that could actually stake a claim as the most iconic song of 1983? The Grammys! It's like you just took off your glasses and did your hair all fancy and showed up to prom, and I'm just like, oh shit, the theatre dork was actually hot all along! Did we find it? Did we find the turning point? Did Flashdance provide the turning point? Is that the movie musical you guys watched and thought, "Oh shit, this music actually kind of goes, I think we oughta get with the times?" /looks at the next year/ IT IS! Bless you, Flashdance. Bless this change you provoked in the Grammys. I'm not about to do something silly like not pick "Beat It!" but I will at least acknowledge that you are phenomenal and were the true spark that ignited the Grammys and also no one involved in your production ever fucked any kids, probably.

TRUE ENDING: "Beat It!"

1985 "Hard Habit to Break," by Chicago "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," by Cyndi Lauper "The Heart of Rock 'n Roll," by Huey Lewis and the News "Dancing in the Dark," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

hm. it's such a tight field we have here. not a one clear standout in this bunch. i don't know. this is a tough choice. i'm sure glad i wasn't a voting member in 1985. imagine seeing the choice laid before you and slowly having the impossibility of the task ahead dawn on you. what a daunting prospect. (tell ya what tho, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is a strong-as-hell second place, and "Dancing in the Dark" is possibly the strongest bronze.)

TRUE ENDING: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

1986 "Money for Nothing," by Dire Straits "The Boys of Summer," by Don Henley "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis & the News "Born in the U.S.A.," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "We Are the World," by USA for Africa

oh praise ra i actually get to break from the grammys So I think "The Power of Love" is solid, I think it'd be hard to find someone who'd say they have any sort of disagreement with this sound. "Born in the U.S.A." is similarly a classic. I love how The Other Side keeps trying to repurpose it as a rousing anthem for them when it is an absolutely scathing indictment of what has become of the American working class. It's such a self-own, playing this song at Republican conventions, and I love it every time it happens. You think they'd have learned how to process subtlety by now! But: I am not attached to "Born in the U.S.A." too deeply beyond that. As an emokid straight outta the mid-aughts (hey there goes my claim to any valid political opinion! later, bro!), have a special connection to "Boys of Summer," tho. Is Don Henley's version The Ataris' version? No. It is not. But we set the precedent in the Roberta Flack threepeat that, even though this is Record of the Year, we will recognize the power of the composition. We also must acknowledge that "Money for Nothing" is the absolute fucking worst.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boys of Summer"

1987 "Sledgehammer," by Peter Gabriel "Greatest Love of All," by Whitney Houston "Addicted to Love," by Robert Palmer "That's What Friends Are For," by Dionne Warwick & Friends WINNER: "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood

One other notable change, apart from the fact the songs are now actual songs that I can imagine people casually listening to in the era in which they were released: these songs are fucking long. You go back to the first Grammys, I don't think any songs lasted past 3:15, and now we have "Sledgehammer," which lasts five minutes. All the songs from the 1986 field were five minutes long. It sort of feels like we've trimmed the excess in our modern era, because my reaction to all these songs is, "Alright, I'm feeling this one! I am grooving! ...Okay, I've grooved. I've felt it. You can go now. No, you can g -- oh, more? OK, cool, I guess that's cool." Except "Addicted to Love." That's a positively breezy four minutes, and it holds the attention the entire time. It's slightly leery? It's kind of "Blurred Lines"y? But it's not overtly gross that it's unworthy of celebration!

TRUE ENDING: "Addicted to Love"

1988 "La Bamba," by Los Lobos "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," by U2 "Luka," by Suzanne Vega "Back in the High Life Again," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Graceland," by Paul Simon

...Yeah, fuck it, "La Bamba," I don't like that the choice I have to make is a cover of a '50s hit, but HASHTAG GRAMMYS, amirite. Time to look at Wikipedia because the Grammys have displeased me! ...OK, so there's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." "Alone" has been a stable of reality singing competitions for thirty years, now! "Bad" woulda been acceptable. "Don't Dream It's Over" may not be the most notable tune in the world, but unlike eventual champion "La Bamba," it was made in 1987. "UM "FAITH" HOW ABOUT?! "The Final Countdown" is listed as a 1987 single and I get why it wouldn't get ROTY love but I would be remiss not to point out its presence on the list. Who doen't love "(I Just) Died in Your Arms?" LL Cool J coulda gotten some hype, I'm not gonna pretend to be familiar with '80s rap but that's a name I know. "Need You Tonight" got INXS a reality show 20 years later. WHAT THE FUCK YOU COULD'VE EASILY REPLACED "LA BAMBA" WITH "RHYTHM IS GONNA GET YOU." "Welcome to the Jungle" is a metal song, sure, but you're gonna tell me that's less influential than "Graceland?" Also I changed my mind because I forgot how fucking good "Luka" is.

TRUE ENDING: "Luka."

1989 "Giving You the Best That I Got," by Anita Baker "Fast Car," by Tracy Chapman "Man in the Mirror," by Michael Jackson "Roll with It," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bobby McFerrin

I commend "Don't Worry, By Happy" for laying the foundation for maybe the greatest Key & Peele sketch, and I'm loathe to pick two unrelentingly sad songs about good people in awful situations in a row, but, like, "Fast Car." "Fast Car," y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Fast Car"

1990 "The End of the Innocence," by Don Henley "She Drives Me Crazy," by Fine Young Cannibals "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel "The Living Years," by Mike + the Mechanics WINNER: "Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler

So apparently the two things I liked about the 1980s are the kitschy one-hit-wonder-y singles that are completely of their times, and the songs about horrifying tragedies. But y'know what at least those were closer to the vision of '80s music I had in my head than the options from the '70s were to ‘70s music. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. I've listened to a lot of bad and/or trashy music. For no reason. When was the last time I asked why I was doing this? I would like to ask that question again: why am I doing this

TRUE ENDING: "She Drives Me Crazy"

1991 "Vision of Love," by Mariah Carey "U Can't Touch This," by MC Hammer "From a Distance," by Bette Midler "Nothing Compares 2 U," by Sinead O'Connor WINNER: "Another Day in Paradise," by Phil Collins

MC Hammer has more ROTY nominations as a performer than Prince. The first rap song ever nominated for ROTY was "U Can't Touch This." MC Hammer was the first rapper to earn a ROTY nomination. ...You're right, this isn't fair, MC Hammer apparently built himself, and the distinction easily could've gone to MC Skat Kat. That's the motto: no matter how bad, it could always be worse. TRUE ENDING: "Vision of Love"

1992 "(Everything I Do) I Do it for You," by Bryan Adams "Baby Baby," by Amy Grant "Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt "Losing My Religion," by R.E.M. WINNER: "Unforgettable," by Natalie Cole w/Nat King Cole

I am 100% convinced "Unforgettable" only won because the Grammys were completely in love with the fact Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole performed together. "Look!" they said, laughing and clapping. "Their names are of similar mouthsound! Delightful!" Anyway, instead of the idiosyncratic rock song, we're going with the country song about doin' it.

TRUE ENDING: "Something to Talk About"

1993 "Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus "Beauty & the Beast," by Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson "Constant Craving," by k.d. lang "Save the Best for Last," by Vanessa Williams WINNER: "Tears in Heaven," by Eric Clapton

OH SHIT THE GRAMMYS JUST HIT US WITH THE THROWBACK! Awful novelty single? CHECK. Treacly ballad? CHECK. Ponderous slow song from an influential-but-overlooked performer? I FEEL BAD ABOUT SAYING IT BECAUSE IT'S A SONG ABOUT HIS KID WHO DIED BUT, OKAY, THIS IS WHO I AM, CHECK. And we have A NEW KIND OF BAD this year: THE POP VERSION OF THE SONG FROM THE MOVIE MUSICAL. Angela Lansbury or GTFO. k.d. lang does sort of earn this by default, I'm not gonna lie to you and say I dug the song presented to me, but I absoltuely respect the pioneering work she did in advancing stylization in performers' name. k.d. lang paved the streets on which Panic! At the Disco marches.

TRUE ENDING: "Constant Craving"

1994 "A Whole New World," by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle "The River of Dreams," by Billy Joel "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You," by Sting "Harvest Moon," by Neil Young WINNER: "I Will Always Love You," by Whitney Houston

The end result is always the same, no matter what, but hoo boy, this sequence is something else. '90s music is generally ugh, but you had "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang," "Mr. Jones," "No Rain," "Shoop," "What's Up?" But this. Billy Joel. Again. It's only been three times or something but it feels like Billy Joel has been nominated for this award every year.

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Always Love You"

1995 "I'll Make Love to You," by Boyz II Men "He Thinks He'll Keep Her," by Mary Chapin Carpenter "Love Sneakin' up on You," by Bonnie Raitt "Streets of Philadelphia," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "All I Wanna Do," by Sheryl Crow

The Grammys have relapsed pretty hard. And because we're in the 1990s, and also I've kind of hit a wall in terms of my enthusiasm for this project, I'm not even listening to these songs, because there's not any lessons to be gleaned here, music was being taken over by grunge and rap and the Grammys didn't know how to react so they literally gave their biggest award to a song which states, "All I wanna do is have some fun." Let's just have some fun, guys! Stop being so sad about everything, let's just, let's play Parcheesi! You used to love Parcheesi! Let's play Parcheesi and just, let's just have some fun! But yeah the Grammys are havin' some issues coming to terms with reality.

TRUE ENDING: "I'll Make Love to You"

1996 "One Sweet Day," by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men "Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio "One of Us," by Joan Osborne "Waterfalls," by TLC WINNER: "Kiss from a Rose," by Seal

Now THIS. This, I can extremely fuck with. Nary a quibble I have with the Grammys' assessment of 1995! Do I maybe trade out "One Sweet Day" for "Fantasy?" Of course, I'm not that dead inside. Do I maybe replace "One of Us" with "You Oughta Know?" Eh, I think "One of Us" is more timeless, in that it's about God and not Dave Coulier, but I'd hear the argument. Do I maybe put "Life's a Bitch" in there instead of "Gangsta's Paradise?" Yes, but I completely get why they wouldn't. I think we've found it. I think we've found the most acceptable list! And the winner is almost the acceptable winner! Also, I didn't realize this until I dove into the list of hits from 1995, but apparently Ko[backwards R]n and P.O.D. were active and hitmakers in 1995. I knew it was coming soon? But I didn’t think it started when I was in Kindergarten.

TRUE ENDING: "Gangsta's Paradise"

1997 "Give Me One Reason," by Tracy Chapman "Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion "Ironic," by Alanis Morissette "1979," by The Smashing Pumpkins WINNER: "Change the World," by Eric Clapton

And we're back. Though, hey, the Grammys are still making incremental progress. There's grunge, earning respectful recognition that it did, indeed, happen, and the Grammys were aware of it but ever distant! Alanis Morissette gets a nod for writing a song about how sometimes bad things happen! And TRACY CHAPMAN JUST ENDS THE FUCKING GAME. Someone once described "Give Me One Reason" as the last true blues hit, and that is such an accurate assessment. Everything about "Give Me One Reason" owns. I am thrilled to have shared some portion of the earth with the two Tracy Chapman songs we have briefly discussed.

TRUE ENDING: "Give Me One Reason"

1998 "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow "MMMBop," by Hanson "I Believe I Can Fly," by R. Kelly WINNER: "Sunny Came Home," by Shawn Colvin

I believe it was @fart who tweeted that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" share two different perspectives of the same event, and I'm sticking to that here. This right here is sort of the distillation of the '90s, assuming you're ignoring, y'know, rap: while you can't deny that this was probably what everyone in the '90s was listening to, you can absolutely fault everyone in the '90s for listening to this, because this is bad. But this is what was popular! "MMMBop," a song about grappling with your own mortality while making mouthsounds, was the biggest fucking song! You couldn't escape it! "It" referring to "MMMBop!" Like, the 1981 field was bad? But it was bad because it was bland, and it was regressive, and it wasn't of the time. This is bad because the songs are bad. They're all dated, they have no appeal beyond kitschiness, they're just, ugh. For once, it's not the Grammys' fault. ...Not entirely. Again: rap. We had that. We didn't have do the Sheryl Crow thing again.

TRUE ENDING: "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"

1999 "The Boy Is Mine," by Brandy & Monica "Iris," by Goo Goo Dolls "Ray of Light," by Madonna "You're Still the One," by Shania Twain WINNER: "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion

The '90s weren't without their saving graces, of course. Golly. Imagine being presented with this field and voting for something that wasn't "The Boy Is Mine." So many people did! I'm not gonna sit here and say that "My Heart Will Go On" wasn't the biggest musical craze of 1998, I lived through that shit, I endured that shit, believe you me, from a historical standpoint, it deserves this award. It's not history's fault, though, that so many more people listened to "My Heart Will Go On" than "The Boy Is Mine." It's those people's fault. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE. What was wrong with you. ...At least you're still 15 or so years from your choice being Macklemore. It's hard to tell which is worse, but at least there's a good chunk of time between your failings.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boy Is Mine"

2000 "I Want It That Way," by Backstreet Boys "Believe," by Cher "Livin' La Vida Loca," by Ricky Martin "No Scrubs," by TLC WINNER: "Smooth," by Santana ft./Rob Thomas

...I don't like what I'm about to do. You know I think "Smooth" is a hot one. You know how I feel about guys in the passenger side of their best friend's ride, tryna holla at me. You know what I believe with regards to an existence of a life after love. You know I live that crazy life. ...If I'm doing karaoke, though. If I'm doing karaoke, and I need one song to fire every fucker in this dingy bar the fuck up, I need an all-time classic song that everyone loves and everyone knows, IF I AM SELECTING ONE JAM TO TAKE THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH CALLED LIFE TO FLAVOR TOWN. ...It's gonna be "I Want It That Way." It's a perfect song. It is expertly crafted, the epitome of Swedish song design. It's this massive engine driving this amazing being into existence. I don't like that it is perfect. You may not like that it is perfect. But it is perfect and we love it. There are truths in life which are undeniable. "I Want It That Way" is one such truth.

TRUE ENDING: "I Want It That Way"

2001 "Say My Name," by Destinys Child "I Try," by Macy Gray "Music," by Madonna "Bye Bye Bye," by *NSYNC WINNER: "Beautiful Day," by U2

ugh what is with the u2 thing Anyway, this would ideally be where we start recognizing the things Beyonce has done for the world and all who live in it, except "I Try" is amazing. Also we're in the aughts and everyone knows and loves the aughts and no one has anything bad to say about the aughts so I'm not even gonna try to stretch for profundity it's lightning round time.

TRUE ENDING: "I Try"

2002 "Video," by india.arie "Fallin'," by Alicia Keys "Ms. Jackson," by OutKast "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)," by Train WINNER: "Walk On," by U2

SERIOUSLY THIS U2 THING. WHAT ARE THEY SEEING THAT I'M NOT. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE IN THERE. Anyway, hello. Rap has been around for two and a half decades and three rap songs have been nominated for Record of the Year in this space. That is as many rap songs as U2 songs in the same span of time. And lemme just skip ahead real quick here, and... Yep, yep, of course, the entire genre of rap and U2 are still tied in the official Record of the Year Grammy count! That's incredibly acceptable and great.

TRUE ENDING: "Ms. Jackson"

2003 "A Thousand Miles," by Vanessa Carlton "Without Me," by Eminem "Dilemma," by Nelly & Kelly Rowland "How You Remind Me," by Nickelback WINNER: "Don't Know Why," by Norah Jones

Legit question: is "Dilemma" the last great duet? I know Drake and Rihanna have put in work trying to find a great duet, I know Usher and Alicia Keys dropped "My Boo," I'm going to point out New Found Glory and Hayley Williams collaborated on "Vicious Love" and wait until this point is completely ignored before I move on, there we go, I think this might be the last great pop duet! I think the last great pop duet features the iconic screencap of Microsoft Excel Messenger!

TRUE ENDING: "Dilemma"

2004 "Crazy in Love," by Beyonce ft./Jay-Z "Where Is the Love?" by The Black Eyed Peas "Lose Yourself," by Eminem "Hey Ya!" by OutKast WINNER: "Clocks," by Coldplay

See, I'm disqualifying "Crazy in Love" from consideration from the "great duets" debate because it's not a duet. Jay-Z has a feature verse. Anyway: FUCK THIS. "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" absolutely 100% fuck this. Like that's a goddamn debate right there. There could be an entire 1000-episode podcast debating who should have won this category, "Crazy in Love" or "Hey Ya!" And it's not like the other three are slouches. "Lose Yourself" is disappointingly but definitely more popular than either track, "Where Is the Love?" is the kinda-awesome midpoint between Woke BEP and Party BEP, and I'd bop "Clocks" from the party but I'd let it hang for a few minutes, get a glimpse of a world other than its own before throwing it out on its ass. But "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" Fuck, dude. ...Grammys can tie, right? Yeah, there's ties in the Grammys. Fuck it, even if there's not ties in the Grammys, there's ties in this weird alternate reality Grammys because legitimately how the fuck do you choose.

TRUE ENDING: "Hey Ya!" & "Crazy in Love"

2005 "Let's Get it Started," by The Black Eyed Peas "American Idiot," by Green Day "Heaven," by Los Lonely Boys "Yeah!" by Usher ft./Lil' Jon & Ludacris WINNER: "Here We Go Again," by Ray Charles & Norah Jones

...Like?

TRUE ENDING: "Yeah!"

2006 "We Belong Together," by Mariah Carey "Feel Good Inc.," by Gorillaz ft./De La Soul "Hollaback Girl," by Gwen Stefani "Gold Digger," by Kanye West ft./Jamie Foxx WINNER: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," by Green Day

...OK, shit. Um. "We Belong Together" set the Mariah comeback in stone and history has a place for it, but I don't have a trophy for it. It's "Gold Digger" vs. "Boulevard" for me, and... And I think I gotta give it to. "Boulevard?" See, here's the thing, though, if "Stronger" were nominated a few years down the line, or "Love Lockdown," or "Niggas in Paris," yes! Absolutely, there'd be an argument! But "Gold Digger" is... Not his finest song? It's a funny-ish song about a stereotype. It has charm, it has that Ray Charles sample, but it's sort of, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Chop up the soul Kanye? It's that. It's good not great. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is a song that captured the hopelessness and futility of life as a lower-class individual in the Bush era and is presently capturing the hopelessness and futility of life as anyone in the Trump era. The world needed and continues to need songs like that.

TRUE ENDING: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

2007 "Be Without You," by Mary J. Blige "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt "Crazy," by Gnarls Barkley "Put Your Records On," by Corinne Bailey Rae WINNER: "Not Ready to Make Nice," by Dixie Chicks

"Not Ready to Make Nice" is the shit. I wanted Mary J. Blige or Gnarls Barkley to win, I could almost write that argument, but I just, "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the angriest song ever written. It is the apotheosis of the "message to the haters" song; it walks the same thematic ground as Tay Tay's "Shake It Off," but thunder emanates from its every step. And it's angry in that plain-spoken metaphorless way only country music can pull off. She does not obscure what has her fucked up: the letter stated, "shut up and sing or your life will be over." She is not going to forget. It's so powerful. Does it define 2006 in music? No, let's not be silly, "SexyBack" owned the year, Timbaland had more than a few songs hit #1, this song didn't have reach or impacy beyond the Grammy, but this song. This fucking song, man.

TRUE ENDING: "Not Ready to Make Nice"

2008 "Irreplaceable," by Beyonce "The Pretender," by Foo Fighters "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z "What Goes Around.../...Comes Around," by Justin Timberlake WINNER: "Rehab," by Amy Winehouse

okay no need to write an extended defense of this one, we know what's up

TRUE ENDING: "Irreplaceable"

2009 "Chasing Pavements," by Adele "Viva la Vida," by Coldplay "Bleeding Love," by Leona Lewis "Paper Planes," by M.I.A. WINNER: "Please Read the Letter," by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

i'm not really feelin' any of these songs, but WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END so fuck it here's the song i come closest to feeling

TRUE ENDING: "Paper Planes"

2010 "Halo," by Beyonce "I Gotta Feeling," by The Black Eyed Peas "Poker Face," by Lady Gaga "You Belong with Me," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Use Somebody," by Kings of Leon

oh wow, so, y'know, okay, how? how do we still have years like this? i know dope tunes were released in 2009 because i lived it, how do so many people get together and think, "yes! these!" this field is so bad, if you dropped drake's "best i ever had" into it, it would have a legit claim to the title. this is unconscionable! i hate this! why did i do this?

TRUE ENDING: "Poker Face"

2011 "Nothin' on You," by B.O.B. ft./Bruno Mars "Love the Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rihanna "Fuck You," by Cee Lo Green "Empire State of Mind," by Jay-Z ft./Alicia Keys WINNER: "Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum

Ah, the poetry of a group with the word Antebellum in their name emerging from a pack of black artists to claim a trophy they didn't deserve. Memories! What lovely recent history! Anyhoo, as sure as the earth is round, "Fuck You" is the best pop song of the decade so far. I'll fight you. Dungeon fam, I just gave you two Grammys for the mantle.

TRUE ENDING: "Fuck You"

2012 "Holocene," by Bon Iver "Grenade," by Bruno Mars "The Cave," by Mumford & Sons "Firework," by Katy Perry TRUE ENDING: "Rolling in the Deep," by Adele

"love on top," "party rock anthem," "niggas in paris," "the motto," "the edge of glory." what the fuck, you guys. picking songs that are good isn't hard but you fucked it up five times in a row somehow.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Rolling in the Deep" i guess? ye gods this is dire

2013 "Lonely Boy," by The Black Keys "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)," by Kelly Clarkson "We Are Young," by Fun. ft./Janelle Monae "Thinkin Bout You," by Frank Ocean "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Somebody That I Used to Know," by Gotye ft./Kimbra

So now that we have years and years of historical context for the Grammys, let's take a minute to discuss what a miracle it was that Frank Ocean was ever nominated. The Grammys spent years ignoring anything resembling a subculture. As the 1960s grew increasingly psychedelic, the Grammys kept handing out nominations to Frank Sinatra and jazz instrumentals and gentle sweater dads. They dipped their toes into funkier things in the '70s, but they stayed the hell away from actual funk, from rock, from anything that looked like it might have been near cocaine at any point in their life. They gave Frank Sinatra a ROTY nomination in 1980. 1980! The Grammys had shown zero sign that they were even close to acknowledging a black man with ambiguous sexuality singing songs just on the edge of the mainstream existed. "Thinkin Bout You" peaked at 32 Stateside. There would have been zero outcry outside of The Internet if his song weren't nominated. And yet! They did! I don't get how, but I dig it! Anyway the best song of these six is "We Are Young" and how. How is "Call Me Maybe." ...A thousand steps forward, one step back, I guess.

TRUE ENDING: "We Are Young"

2014 "Radioactive," by Imagine Dragons "Royals," by Lorde "Locked Out of Heaven," by Bruno Mars "Blurred Lines," by Robin Thicke ft./Pharrell Williams & T.I. WINNER: "Get Lucky," by Daft Punk ft./Pharrell Williams

yeah they got it right, i don't care

TRUE ENDING: "Get Lucky"

2015 "Fancy," by Iggy Azalea ft./Charli XCX "Chandelier," by Sia "Shake It Off," by Tay Tay "All About that Bass," by Meghan Trainor WINNER: "Stay with Me," by Sam Smith

wooooooooooooooooooooooooow you really dont have to go back that far to find one of the all-time worst fields. i don't know if we've dropped any song off the face of the earth faster than "fancy," i barely even remembered it existed. "all about that bass" gets more embarrassing with each passing day. "stay with me" is mor pap. "shake it off" is horrifyingly immature and features tay tay rapping, which is, it's just a gross thing to have experienced. "chandelier." "chandelier" almost single-handedly redeems this field. i know i've used this blog to discuss what a miracle it is that sia exists as she does in the music landscape today, but legitimately, what the fuck. how? i don't mind! but how? but no for real "Chandelier," "Happy," "Problem," "Drunk in Love..." hoo boy 2014 was dire, uh, "Timber." shit, dude, yeah, "Timber." ok. ok yeah i guess it's ok as long as "Rude!" didn't make the cut.

TRUE ENDING: "Chandelier"

2016 "Really Love," by D'Angelo & the Vanguard "Thinking Out Loud," by Ed Sheeran "Blank Space," by Tay Tay "Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd WINNER: "Uptown Funk," by Mark Ronson ft./Bruno Mars

"Uptown Funk"/"Can't Feel My Face" is the toughest choice since "Hey Ya!"/"Crazy in Love." I think I give it to "Uptown Funk," simply because it doesn't feel like "Can't Feel My Face" exists without it, but man, "Can't Feel My Face" is such a solid track.

TRUE ENDING: "Uptown Funk"

2017 "Hello," by Adele "Formation," by Beyonce "7 Years," by Lukas Graham "Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake "Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots

listen, if i had to pick the field, it's "formation," "stresed out," "love yourself," "closer," and "black beatles." maybe throw "panda" in there over "stressed out," more people seemed to be into that than "stressed out," who cares, 2016 just wasn't great for anything on earth which exists, but hey! at least this field is more or less accurate! i don't know what "7 years" is doing here, and neither do you, but i know we're both hoping it wins so we can watch the first fires of the revolution.

TRUE ENDING: "Formation"