#yes im giving them their own tags to make stuff easier for me lol

[lesbiamano]

AN INTRODUCTION TO "The Loving River", AKA Nazya's story!!

this story takes place in a historic setting in iraq, no specific years (for now) so everything here is subject to some change in the future.

this post is just an introduction to the main stuff and characters in the story! (all under cut, and fair warning, its a lot)

Shanya Al-Malaika:

shanya is a 29 year old poet, going by the pen name "Ta'abata Sharan" and taking on the image of a man so she can comfortably write about her love for nazik, and to be taken more seriously in the world of poetry. she is the mortal daughter of the goddess shaahida, also referred to as "The Witness", and ill be explaining more about her and her lore later.

to make a long story short, shaahida never wanted a child, and so shanya's coming into the world was a complete accident, and to shaahida, a shameful mistake. with that, she sends off newborn shanya to live with her aunt, saabira, another goddess, this one referred to as "Patience". saabira had a mortal husband and five mortal children with him, so the choice to send shanya there was easy. shaahida was sure saabira, with all her patience and knowledge of children, would be able to take care of shanya better than shaahida ever could. but of course, if she was going to give away shanya like this, shed have to gain something out of it too. she slashed baby shanya across the mouth with her divine nails, drawing blood, and leaving a scar. a tie between them both, stronger than their familial connection. wherever shanya was, shaahida would be able to keep watch, and when the time comes, shaahida would be able to use shanya as the vessel for her plan (which i'll discuss later,, maybe.)

shanya lives with saabira's family for most of her life in dhi qar, where she meets nazik, a girl around her age, and eventually, falls for her. the two are worlds apart though, for while saabira prefers to live humble and poor despite her divinity, making shanya live as a young sheep herder, nazik came from a wealthy family. middle upper class, to be exact. one day, however, nazik leaves dhi qar suddenly, and without much explanation, leaving shanya all alone. what made it all worse was this coming directly after a major fight/argument between the two. (this is insanely simplified, for a lot of stuff happens between them here.)

shanya continues to live with saabira, until the age of 16. when one day, as she on the carriage of saabira's oldest son, shaheen, she began to tinker with the oud guitar he always had with him. she strummed a few notes and smiled to herself, preparing to play a small tune. the carriage soon hit a bump, and the oud, with all its heaviness, slipped out of shanyas hands and fell off the carriage, tumbling down into the nearby river, and breaking. shaheen went off the rails at this, screaming at shanya about how expensive the oud was, and going as far as slap her and push her out of the carriage, telling her to walk home instead. its then, when shes trying to walk home, in the most vaguest in terms, she ends up dying. very unfortunate, and a horrible look for shaheen.

shaahida oversaw all of this. she was angered, not as a mother would be for a daughter, but a creator to a vessel. she transforms her own body to shanyas likeness, and makes it, in a way, a vessel for shanyas spirit to reside in for the time being. making daughter and mother, one and the same.

after saabira realizes what had happened, shanya's death, shaahida's work, she is frightened, and she does not tell shanya of what had truly happened to her. instead she grabs her and takes her towards kirkuk, where hashim, her uncle, and saabira and shaahidas brother, resides. hashim the god, also referred to as "The Punisher". after learning of what had happened to shanya, hashim takes her in, almost like his own daughter, and he is the one who teaches her of poetry and art and whatnot.

it is also hashim who sends 29 year old shanya out of kirkuk and to baghdad, along with her cousins, the twins jamil and jameela (also saabira's children), to gain more knowledge and more inspiration after she finds herself in a writing block. and that is where shanya meets nazik again after so long, which kickstarts the main story.

Nazik Al-Khafaji:

nazik is the 30 year old eldest daughter to jasim al-khafaji and his university sweetheart, nadeen. young nazik worked in a library with her mother until she was 14, before becoming a 'healer' or a doctor later into her adulthood. she has a younger brother, azra, only 4 years younger. nazik's mother had been a worshipper of saabira, one of the saabiroon, and as such, nazik aligned herself with that sect of worship too. and when push comes to shove, as an adult, nazik realizes she had been blessed by saabira with the power of healing. specifically, healing people with her own blood, something she couldve used much, much earlier.

jasim's family was quite a rich one, and yet, he distanced himself from them and went against his own family's wishes by marrying nadeen, and as such he did not inherit much of their wealth at all, and all the wealth naziks family did have came entirely from his own hard work and businesses in gold selling and jewelry making. nazik's family was originally from baghdad, however after jasim's falling out with his family, they packed their bags and moved to dhi qar when nazik was 6 and azra was 2, which is, of course, where nazik met shanya.

nazik quickly found herself enjoying shanya's company, and even introducing shanya to her brother, for a chance to get the girl to step out of her shell and meet new people, for nazik had noticed how lonely shanya seemed to be, with how all of her cousins were decades upon decades older than her, and having no free time to spend with her at all. nazik found herself skipping many of her classes to be with shanya, almost getting caught by her father many times, but she simply could not get away from her. in her free time she brought shanya books to read with her, though most of the time she sat by and listened to shanya play the oud, yes, the one she often borrowed from shaheen. nazik hadnt realized it, but she had fallen for shanya, hard and deep. one day, after returning home later than she should, after spending a night with shanya, she came back to find her mother dead. nadeen had been sick for years now, but nobody had expected her to die so suddenly. naziks life changed overnight. in the morning, she went to visit shanya one last time, a meeting which resulted in a huge useless argument, before nazik ran off, going home to finish her packing. that night, her, her brother, and her father took a carriage all the way to baghdad. she left shanya with no last goodbye, no last hug, and that is her one regret, though she does not blame herself.

jasim never quite made up with his family, his parents however begrudgingly gave him an estate to own in baghdad, which they settled in. as an adult, nazik was practically the only one working in the house. jasim had given up on life and on fatherhood after nadeen's death, forcing nazik to mother her own brother, and to grow up faster than she shouldve. and while jasim was useless, azra picked up traveling as a hobby, untied and free of all burdens, he was almost never home, and always off doing his own thing outside of iraq, leaving nazik to labor on her own, completely oblivious to the exhaustion she was facing, for she hid it all from him.

nazik, of course, has her own set of people in baghdad, and one of them was a pen pal, jameela, who she did not recognize as shanyas cousin, and whom she had urged to come to baghdad to meet. jameela had of course come to baghdad with her twin brother jamil and her cousin shanya. however, shanya and nazik would not stumble upon eachother until much, much later after shanyas coming to baghdad.

Shaahida (Al-Malaika):

shaahida, the witness, was the second born goddess from "The Creator", coming only after her eldest sister, huda, "The Gift". sources speculate she was born from The Creator's left eye, to bear witness over humanity, and to help her brother, hashim, the punisher, who was born right behind her, in trials, so he may adequately punish both mortals and their divine siblings alike.

of course it must be explained that The Creator is the one true god of the universe, having created it all with humans and all. in their divine eternalness, they split themselves into 99 different pieces, and the one last 100th piece would be created when all 99 pieces set aside their differences and finish their business on earth, and come together to create a new "creator". which is to say, the 99 lesser gods created were much weaker in comparison to The Creator, having a limited set of skills, and being very close to human like with their feuds and problems and personalities. some say there is no way all 99 of them would ever come together to become whole again, for each of them held such wildly different ideologies, and often butted heads with eachother. sometimes mortals wonder if they truly did come from one beings.

each god has their own set of followers that follow certain rules for worship. some gods have easier rules than others, some want all the worship, some want none. while, worshipping one god means you believe in the existence of the 98 remaining, it does not necessarily mean you believe in their coming together again to be one, and it does not mean you believe in them coming from one being. those beliefs depend on the individual and the family they hail from. there is however another religion made from these using all these factors (believing in all gods, their coming from one being and their eventual unity) called "Istiqbal", in the way that its followers await the future for the 'inevitable' unity of these gods.

that being said, shaahida was never one to love her job. as the witness for the punisher, she did not last long. she kept it up merely 3 millennia before giving it up, opting to wander the world meaninglessly for a few couple of centuries, before settling in a temple and watching people worship at her feet all day. along the way, she found herself obsessing with a mortal girl, a girl named batool, and a worshipper of hers. she possessive as much as she was obsessive, and batool did not by any means hate the attention. until one day, when she revealed to shaahida that was to get married to a man soon. of course, that angered shaahida greatly, and with her anger came eyes on them, and the public soon found out about their situation. it was not homosexuality itself that was forbidden, but the act of mingling with mortals at the time was. hashim came, with his divine punishment, and stoned them, though whether he truly wanted to or not was debated. some even said he had someone else come and punish them in his stead. shaahida was hung up and stoned for a whole year, before her mortal lover which of course died before her. after her punishment, shaahidas reputation was tainted forever. humans misunderstood the punishment, thinking it for homosexuality, and quickly forbid it. which, in turn, made shaahida a symbol for homosexuality, and specifically, lesbian love. she would gain a few followers for this, though not many, and all worshipped her in secret. for the next few centuries or millennia, shaahida wandered aimlessly amongst the earth in a disguise, though she did not dare get close to any mortal during that time.

until one day, it suddenly became allowed to get with mortals. a lot of time had passed, and most of her siblings had slowly but surely been becoming more lax on many things. it was frustrating, to think that if her and batool's love was delayed a few mere centuries, it wouldve blossomed to fruition.

shaahida let herself out again, and began to mingle once more with the mortals. she met a writer one day, a man who calls himself abd al sahib. without knowing of her divinity, he spoke to her of his want to write a book about the witness. she smiled, thinking it was flattering. the two got closer, though she did not love him in the way she loved batool, nor in the way lovers loved eachother. he however, was obviously in love and head over heels. and he was not stupid, he soon learned of her divinity and her being the subject of his book, which only made him get closer to her. a series of events unfolds, many that were out of shaahidas control, and she finds herself bearing a child, a mortal child, shanya. for the first few months she had not truly processed it, until one day abd al sahib pointed it out, grinning with pride at the fact that he had impregnated her. her actions next had been a long time coming, she had enough. she killed abd al sahib, which, of course, was a sin. for gods could not murder their subjects and humans in general. it was fine however, for she hid all the clues. and when she brought shanya into the world, she was disgusted. not specifically by shanya, but the events that led up to her birth.

she sends shanya away and goes into hiding, hoping hashim would not find this out.

she loses herself completely in this loneliness and new found hopelessness she has dug herself into, and thinks the only way to get out of it and to be free is to simply become the new creator, to end the world prematurely. and maybe shanya was simply a tool given to her by the world to achieve this.

with that, her loneliness is broken only slightly, and only briefly by her meeting a new woman. nadeen. they got close over a short period of time in baghdad, before shaahida realized nadeen was already married, and already had a few month old daughter. it was shortly after this realization did nadeen leave for dhi qar with her husband and daughter, and shaahida never had much of a chance to see her again. and there she returns to solitude.

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and thats all for now! this is barely even half of the story, but again, its just intros, and it's already so long so i dont want to add more. i know not many will read all of this anyway so ive only written this for myself so its easier for me to see the info of my own story here. anyway! heres some art for the characters mentioned!

nadeen (left) and batool (right)! this is all i have for now! if youve made it this far, tysm for reading!

[hiddenbeks]

so many thoughts abt how schewpid the jedi council is in kotor but also not sure if i should write abt any of them before i finish the game because it's entirely possible that i'm still missing some critical information,

[muppetmagic]

Hehehe. Hi. Saw your tags on my post and would love to hear your own headcanons for T1 Marty. It's an interesting one to ponder for sure!

*chuckles evilly* oh boy, of course!!! i truly end up headcanoning any character i like with t1 diabetes for the soul reasoning of 'well, SOMEONE has to!'

SO!! marty mcfly with type 1 diabetes! where do i even begin! well, i will say that as i am a bttf musical enthusiast, im mainly gonna focus on that instead of movies 2 +3, just because im not AS familiar with them as i am the first movie and a musical!

so, join me under the cut for a LOT of thoughts and headcanons...i have a lot to say lol like a LOT a lot...i apolgise lol

so, i think marty was diagnosed with t1 when he was around 9-10, and was doing ye olde pee-on-a-stick method of blood sugar testing, which was a super inaccurate way of doing it BUT it was either that of nothing in the mid-to-late 70's. he would have always been taking one injection of insulin and just praying it all worked out around that dkjdfjk ah, the joys of early diabetes treatment!

i like it think marty is like me in the sense that i naturally have blood sugars that tend to be on the higher side, and because it wasn't a thing to treat a high blood sugar with more insulin back then, it's why he took up skateboarding!! exercise gets that blood sugar down and his brother, dave, let marty use a skateboard that he had been gifted and never used. thus, marty started skating and just really fucking liked it!

as he got older and all that, and blood glucose monitors became a thing, AND marty became friends with doc, things did a pretty quick turn around in regards to how he treated stuff. doc would've gotten one look at the medieval torture device looking stuff marty was carrying around in his backpack and gone 'nope, i can make this a lot easier!' and basically invented a more modern version of a bgm - u prick ur finger with the lancet, put ur blood onto a calibrated strip into the machine and get a reading! although, i believe it would be less accurate for obvious reason. more likely that you'd either get a 'HIGH' 'LOW' OR 'REGULAR'.

in regards to insulin, as i mentioned earlier, marty would've been on one daily injection for most of his childhood. which is a real annoyance, bc it means ur meals have to happen at certain times with certain amount of carbs. by the time we meet marty in the movies/musical in 1985, he most likely would've just become aware of insulin pens - they legit came out that year lol BUT because i think doc is out here being a disability activist, marty might have received one a lil earlier and without the big ol' price tag attached to it lol so he would've been taking multiple injections a day by the time we meet him!

YES, i use doc as a scapegoat to give marty nicer treatment options!!! he deserves it!! if u have a friend who is a mad scientist, then of COURSE ur gonna abuse that to try and get new and improved and FREE medical equipment! so, i think marty has this stuff in his pockets alongside his walkman lol

i also think the reason marty is known to be as such of a slacker as he is is because besides all the sick days he would have taken, he's also known for sneaking out of class and/or showing up late to take his blood sugars or take his insulin.

the idea of marty having an insulin pump is also something i really like! again, i think doc was able to get his hands on one and rejigged it to fit into the shell of a walkman, which would be great for stealth lol. for me, this applies a lot more to my headcanons relating musical!marty. basically, i think movie!marty has insulin pens, and i think musical!marty has a pump. idk why, i just do djkdfkj i just think musical!doc would

SOOOO, marty in the 50's!! of course, we get marty on the hunt for ANYTHING to drink without sugar - and that's very relatable lol, again as someone with naturally higher blood sugars, i also tend to just find it 100 times easier to have low sugar options than use up SOOO much insulin! but in terms of how tf he's gonna make it thru a week when it comes to insulin, i think because he was meeting doc at the mall so early in the morning, he threw an extra vial or two in his pockets just in case. marty can never be too sure what's going to happen when he meets up w/ doc lol i also think musical!young lorraine would've been DEEPLY confused about what tf all this stuff attached to this boy she has straight up undressed is, and honestly she probably just ripped his infusion site straight out on accident so marty probably returned to injections anyways - but with is 80's sensibilities on how diabetes WORKS and how it's treated, he would've been pretty on top of everything. he would've just had to use those fugly giant syringes. flop!!

once returning to '85 in the new timeline, nothing would have changed w/ marty diabetes bc, well, he would've been diabetic anyways! his parents would be a lot more supportive, a lot bigger disabilitiy activists - i think george mcfly definitely has a diabetic character in his novels! and lorraine is on the pta board FIGHTING for the rights of disabled students BIG TIME, while in the og timeline i imagine they were very much in the mind set of not talking about marty's diabetes bc they saw it as shameful or somehow their fault. catch the mcfly family car having a bumper sticker that says 'someone i love has type 1 diabetes!'

so YEAH, i think that's everything that came to mind for me! musical!marty is defs more the muse of my diabetic headcanon, i think just bc im currently obsessed w/ it so im projecting onto him harder but, BASICALLY;

tl;dr: marty has t1, in the movie he uses insulin pens that he gets from doc, in the musical he uses an insulin pump that doc decked out to make a lot cooler and both verses use a blood glucose monitor that the doc made a lot more compact. ALSO, just for the hell of it - fuck it! jennifer is diabetic too! they knew each other from school but really met at the hospital while they were waiting for diabetes clinic appointments and they bonded lol!

[pathos-p]

"Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game" but i got tagged in it so i am gonna answer all of them 'cause theyre fun

questions by @/i-like-eyes

thanks for the tag @king-chook!! ^^

1. Art programs you have but don't use

i thiiink i have a license for clip studio paint that came with my old wacom tablet but i never rly used it. also used to have krita installed for the longest time but just always felt off to me idk why. don't currently have it installed anymore tho

2. Is it easier to draw someone facing left or right (or forward even)

to their right is a bit easier i think. not smth i consciously notice, mostly i'm just thinking abt when im doodling on the margins of stuff they usually are looking to the left of the page

3. What ideas come from when you were little

uhhh idk tbh, i dont think much of my art draws from that

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

cityscapes !!! i love cities they r so pretty and cool looking but goddamn theyre so hard to draw

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

80-20? i post everything that i finish. basically the only stuff that doesnt get posted is sketches i give up on

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

hmmmm not that i can think of rn...

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

watercolour !! i've tried it a few times and Struggled but i love seeing ppl's work in it

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

so many animatics ..................... also many comic ideas ..................... i get so many ideas that i just never start on or start and only do a little before losing the hyperfocus/fixation and just Cannot continue them. it sucks

9. What are your file name conventions

usually the character name, maybe a bit of description of what theyre doing... idk not much of a convention to it

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

hmm i like jackets :)

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

yes, usually music. sometimes random youtube videos like stream highlights or video essays.

12. Easiest part of body to draw

uhhh hair? maybe idk. hard question bc it varied a lot depending on what kinda style and just. sometimes smth is hard in a particular drawing then easy later idk

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

i cant think of anything i will edit it in if i think of anyone

14. Any favorite motifs

in my drawings i dont feel like i use any much. mostly i pull motifs from whatever im doing fanart of lol. in music, i like religious motifs (but not like. ones abt christ or bible stories, rather heaven, hell, god/divinity, angels)

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

at home pretty much exclusively. in bed lol

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

idk i feel like the stuff im better at is the stuff i like bc i practice it more for fun lol

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

not usually

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you've broken

surprisingly little. mostly bc i do more digital art lol

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

weapons and nature. especially ice for nature

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

i cant think of anything ill add it if i do

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

i love rougher styles, like ones with a lot of visible brushstrokes and bold lines and shit. so cool. idk how to make it look good lol i dont have the confidence in my lines for it

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

none... probably i should change that

23. Do you use different layer modes

yeah, often i use a multiple layer for shading then a variety to colour adjust at the end

24. Do your references include stock images

sometimes

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

cant think of any

26. What's a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

there was this poem i wrote about capitalism and how shit it is and someone thought it was abt interpersonal relationships/smth along the lines of a breakup. i rly didnt mind it tho i thought it was cool bc the emotion was not far off, the sense of betrayal and abandonment. just a very very different subject

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

no lol

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i ran a zine (digital only) for the dimension 20 zine jam! and also made art+writing for others in that :D also was part of a polygon yt fanzine a while back

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

spider-man (not the MCU, mostly tasm and a few of the comics)

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

IS IT BAD TO SAY A PIECE THAT GOT QUITE A BIT OF POSITIVE ATTENTION ?? maybe

i rly like the cj comic i did i am genuinely so goddamn happy with the result so . even tho it did very well by the standards for the fandom its for and my current follower base it is underrated

alternatively this one https://www.tumblr.com/pathos-p/704380503765221377/tridential-sovereignty?source=share bc it didnt get all that much attention on any social media site but i think its cool !!

(mostly only using recent ones bc i dont wanna dig back further esp onto my old twt acct, too much work lol)

[slow-apocalypse-zone]

Reblogging my own tags bc I definitely cared a lot about what I was saying(to the point of hitting the tag limit) and if ppl want to talk abt them this might make it easier

I’ll do a kinda image description/transcript below the cut, but adjusted slightly bc it doesn’t have to fit into tag formatting. All the words and punctuation are the same though. Mostly I’m just taking out hashtags adding paragraph breaks lol

theres also a little further discussion under that if you're interested in reading it!

(#public resources) (#open discussion)

yeah. we need to improve stuff in A Lot of places but that isn't gonna look the same everywhere

personally? I seem like a lazy suburbanite. but I also have joint issues and shit and hate that stuff isn't stacked like Lego bricks instead of being spread out and that I have to drive to get Literally Anywhere in ten minutes and that it isn't neccesarily Safe to walk places because guess what!!!

summer is hot as balls and there isn't shade!! walking half an hour to the nearest strip mall with nowhere to take a break from the heat and the sun and sit down to rest my joints? that's dangerous!

drivers around here don't give a fresh shit about bikers either and the sidewalks aren't wide enough to legally or safely bike them

so the option is walk(feel sick and be in pain and have no way to take a break to recover so it the discomfort and pain just get worse) (esp in summer and winter. my mom has an intense pain reaction to cold and i sweat excessively in heat which doesn't do anything in high humidity areas like where we are)

bike(you might die or get badly injured and yeah you might get dismissed bc you're the one biking in the road but it's illegal to bike on the sidewalk so what the fuck am I supposed to do)

or drive(this is a skill. you need to have a car or someone who will let you borrow theirs.

to learn you also need a car and someone to teach you.

then you need a car to get to the dmv(the nearest one is 45 minutes away by car) and for your practical test.

before the practical test you need your learners.

which means you need to study your ass off so they can't pull a gatcha with obscure road laws and then get to the dmv.

again you need someone who can drive you to the dmv to take the learners permit test

and then once you have your liscense after all that you still need a vehicle and to pay for gas.

and then there's the emotional conflict some have over using gas cars at all. unless you have an electric but then you have limited range of movement

basically. yes you could say l'm a lazy suburbanite but understand that it's kinda SHIT to be in the suburbs if you don't have a car and those cost a LOT over time even after purchase, tuneups and gas and tire replacements and maintenance ect ect)

like. if there was a trolley system at the front of the collection of neighborhoods I'm in even. that'd be awesome. I can easily walk there.

or even benches Anywhere along the way to the nearest stores that don't require me to cross a three lane street(both ways so six? idk) with no crosswalk and hope that the church over there didn't start locking up again and that no one will pester you about faith and how 'prayer and excercise will fix all your health issues' (im agnostic so I HAVE faith. just not in your bible. and believe me I excercise)

like. I need to stop now and again without needing to get into theological discussions that I don't want to have. I want to be able to stop in the shade and rest without crossing the dangerous road that doesn't have a crosswalk

anyways. I'm out of tags so I probably should've just responded normally but here we are

End transcript

These are things that make living where I live So Frustrating when your whole family just has one car. But the solutions for our problems(adding rest stops to sit and maybe a water fountain every few stops, busses that go to more central/necessary locations, wider sidewalks for bikers and more laws protecting bikers in the streets, that kind of stuff) won’t solve every problem ever in transportation, walkability, and accessibility of necessary resources.

For example, we don't really need to add ramps anywhere here, because everything is sloping and mildly hilly, so 'ramps' are more default as we work with geography. Instead, adding stairs paired with that would be amazing, because some people have issues that make walking on inclines, even mild ones, painful and dangerous for their long-term health. Most places have the opposite issue, but the goal shouldn't be to replace stairs with ramps and vice versa, but rather to add what isn't there when there is a need for it. There is almost always a need for it.

Edit:

Sometimes the slopes are too severe for wheelchairs as well. In those areas, we should add stairs and proper ramps. Not one or the other.

“America IS walkable, you’re all just lazy” my childhood home was an hour from the nearest hospital (by car)

[anakinthetrashking]

BnHA One-Shot Fic Recs (pt1)

Making some fic-rec posts has been on my to-do list for a while and I’m finally doing it, yay! Currently I have 6 word doc pages full of just BnHA recs. So I’m splitting them up by length and completion, so first up is (part one of) one-shots! Let’s go!!!

Lets start with some classic Izuku and DadMight!

Pictures, Posters and Tender Beauty by ProPinkist (tumblr: @dazais-guardian-angel ) Rating: G    Category: Gen   ~4,400 words Summary: Izuku has virtually every All Might-themed item out there, and prides himself on all of it, as Toshinori is well aware. However, somehow, the boy still decided that there was something vital missing. This is fluffy and very cute. No one truly appreciates All Might as much as Izuku does, but 1A comes close. All Might deserves all the love, and this fic truly provides!!!

Dear Mr. All Might by QuizzicalCrow (tumblr: @quizzicalcrow​ ) Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~5,000 words Summary: As the #1 hero for decades, All Might has collected a lot of fan mail over the years. Toshinori tracks down a series of letters that only now, years later, does he appreciate for their significance.  I always love the thought of All Might looking through his fan mail, even if he can’t get to all of it. This was a wonderful glimpse into that AND it was made to be so, so personal and sweet. Go have some heart-healing fluff.

Growing Pains by LordofLies (tumblr: @theangelofchildren ) Rating: G   Category: Gen    ~5,900 words Summary: Izuku finds himself changed by his encounter with the Hero Killer, but changes of a more physical kind are in store for him as he begins to truly accept One for All as his own. Once, he would have been thrilled to look more like All Might, but now those connections are as much a source of anxiety as they are of pride.Or, Izuku wakes up one morning and sees the world through different eyes. Izuku having anxiety and Toshi being there to help him through it and calm him down? Sign me UP. Its also a pretty cool take on how One for All is able to change things about it’s holder. Could this happen in cannon? Who knows.... Regardless, it was a great read!

I’ll Carry You Home by Renesvetta Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~2,700 words Summary: While training with All Might, it wasn’t uncommon for Izuku to be so exhausted at the end of the day that he unwittingly fell asleep without regard for where he was. It consequently became part of All Might’s routine to help his young protégé home. During that time, Izuku may have let loose more than one sleepy confession towards his mentor.  Yes, it is as adorable as it sounds. Its tagged with “self indulgent Dad Might fluff” which is both accurate and appreciated. In other words: Superb you funky little writer!

Simple Gifts by QuizzicalCrow Rating: G    Category: Gen   ~6,700 words Summary: One year ago, Izuku received the greatest gift he could ever imagine. Now he’s determined to return the favor for the one responsible for it all with a gift of his own.  First off, I love the idea of Izuku and Toshi quietly celebrating the anniversary of passing on OfA from All Might to Izuku. Even just taking the day to hang out with each other. It’s a really precious idea. But there’s not just fluff! Izuku finds himself in a fight, again. (cool villain quirk, too!) I love all of the small details that are in this fic (and in Crow’s other works, too!) anyway its exciting AND very heartwarming, so go read it!!!

Affectionate by Sevi007 (tumblr: @sevi007 ) Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~2,600 words Summary: Toshinori starts to show affection very easily around his students. The  reactions he gets for that are not quite the ones he had anticipated - well, not all of them, at least.  Toshi is LOVED, APPRECIATED, and 1A feels like HOME. how many times can i say “cute” and “heartwarming” on this post?? bc these are some amazing writers, whom I adore, and their writing makes my heart WARM. AND. FUZZY. i mean, even just the first few paragraphs of this one just, really sets the scene of what i like to believe the 1A dorm is (on a good day, lol). its a really nice read, so go treat yo’ self by reading it.

paint me in trust by dinomight Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~6,400 words Summary: The first mark Izuku gets is a slight brush of green across his temple. It’s the soft touch of a mother holding her son for the first time. Inko has one to match, the same shade of green staining the tips of her fingers. Hers is more noticeable; Izuku’s tends to blend into his hairline. He loves it anyways. He has to. It’s the only soulmate mark he has. (Or: how Izuku goes from just green to a rainbow, UA-style.)  Ok, so this fic sort of plays off the idea of soulmates, and does not fit in with soulmates in the usual form of the trope. First off its completely platonic. Its categorized as Gen and sticks to that. Also it doesn’t seem to be as obligatory and permanent as you would think it would be. It seems to be more of the universe telling you who has the possibility of being important in your life. I really really loved this, it was so adorable and gives you that sweet, sweet Izuku angst, before healing your heart with the power of friendship and found family!!!

The Die Has Been Cast by ChiwiTheKiwi (tumblr: @chiwithekiwi​ ) Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~5,400 words Summary: “There’s something about that kid you aren’t telling me, isn’t there?”When no answer meets him, Shouta tries again.“You know something about Midoriya’s quirk that you haven’t shared with me. Is that right?”(Or: A canon "What If" surrounding the latest manga events and focusing on Aizawa finally making a connection.) First off, this fic has spoilers for the manga, so dont read unless you’re past chp212! I loooooooove OfA reveal fics, especially when it’s Aizawa that finds out. He deserves to know!!! its kind of important!!!! This fic chooses a great moment to work off of, and does a great job with Aizawa’s character. I really enjoyed it and couldn’t keep myself from going back and reading it just now LOL

These last two are actually two-shots, but it makes it an even 10! also Izuku and dadmight, so we can continue the theme here...

Some Unspoken Thing by LittleKy Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~7,900 words (2chps) Green, Toshinori has always thought, is the color of life anew.(Or: It's time for Yagi Toshinori to finally accept that he has a son, now, in all but blood. It's time for Midoriya Hisashi to accept that as well.) YES ALL MIGHT! ADMIT THAT IZUKU IS YOUR SON! great portrayal of the characters and really hits the nail on the head for DadMight. and Izuku in this story is just the smallest green floof that you wish to give a hug. NEVER MIND ALL MIGHT, YOU TOOK TOO LONG SO IZUKU IS MY SON NOW AND IM NOT GIVING HIM BACK ( no but seriously i want to hug this fic its so cute TTuTT )

LAST BUT NOT LEAST! I See You by BirdAntlers (tumblr: @aarymk )

Rating: G   Category: Gen   ~15,400 words (2chps) Midoriya Izuku is a quirkless child, blind from birth. Yagi Toshinori is the most powerful man in the world, loved by millions. They could not be more different, and yet their loneliness is the same.   (From a pair of AU posts on Tumblr that got way out of hand; I wanted to put it here because it turned into more of a fic than a "what-if." Basically a vessel for me to vomit as much Dadmight as I can.) Hey, you! Yeah! You! Do you want to cry? Do you want to start sobbing in a public space?? Do you just want to be destroyed with words and be left there kneeling at the feet of a writer who has torn out your heart and stomped on it before they gently wipe the tears from your face? Yeah?? y oU Wan NA D IE??? READ THIS AND GET REKT.  you’ll thank me later

(under the cut is just me rambling, i kept all the important stuff up here, ur welcome)

Now that the actual recs are over I can rant here- look i really tried to slim my recs down, but i have almost 300 bnha fics bookmarked,some of them are “to read” or theyre in progress, etc but i managed to get this list sorta slimmed down? a little?(to only 58!!!) but as i was gathering this post together it felt like i dont have very many Dadmight recs on that list??? but i havent rechecked all the other fics i was just going through the oneshots. i... kinda read a lot more fics with AIzawa in it instead. it be that way. DadMight content is SO GOOD. but my fav is aizawa im sorryyyyy anyway i have another SEVENteeN oneshots to put in rec posts and that does NOT include the mulitchapter and friikin series and stuff... and like i said this is aaaaaaallllllllllllllll BnHA. batfam fic posts will come after, and then star wars, and then maybe star trek? we’ll see. i have a very specific taste in ST fics and that is Tarsus IV whump. which. i have not read in a while. when they say “that trope came from ST” for sooooooo many tropes, you WISH other fandoms had tarsus as a trope, holy crap it is TOP TIER angst fodder. if you love to write/read whump, angst, and h/c i would HIGHLY recommend that you take a bit of time and explore the content and stories there. heck maybe i will make a ficrec post for just tarsus angst. ok.

my INTENTION is to edit these posts later with little links to the other fic rec lists so that itll be easier to find. but., its me, so itll either happen in painful detail or not at all

asdjkdgh its 2:30am and i need to sleep and not be rambling incoherently again I WILL SAVE THIS AS A DRAFT. 

[freebooter4ever]

i’ve seen the discussion going back and forth on boundaries and sexual objectification, and i don’t have much to add to the conversation other than to say everyone is allowed to determine their OWN ‘lines’ and just because we don’t vocalize them doesn’t make them any less valid. but here’s the limits i set for my blog if anyone feels it is important for them to know (<3):

personally I consider ‘characters’ fair game for anything goes, with ‘public personas’ a little more iffy. ‘RPF’ isn’t new - it just takes on a new more accessible/visible form nowadays. i remember reading my first fic about a ‘real person’ back in my LOTR fandom days - it was a story in first person perspective about the main character meeting orlando bloom on a plane before he was ‘famous’. like a lot of these types of stories, it wasnt so much about the person as it was about the meet cute. the actor was just a convenient placeholder with a handsome face and some personality quirks thrown in to make the romance/dialogue more specific. i personally dont read much xReader fic nowadays, but mostly only cause i’m an old fart who can’t relate to the ‘you’ format. i miss the good old days when people actually created OC’s and then inserted them into things LOL. but also LOL if you think i’ve gone an entire year of quarantine without some imagined personal fantasies of joe mazzello (or steve aoki in the years before)(ramilicious can attest to this. she can also attest to most of these fantasies ending in friendship rather than anything explicit cause that’s just how i roll these days lol). the line i draw is i would never post these types of fics in a place where the subject could accidentally find them - you have to go looking for this stuff on tumblr, most fics are given explicit ratings and under read-mores. with the blacklist tags it’s pretty easy to filter things out. its even easier to add filters to ao3 searches. i am NOT going to do something like message steve aoki and say ‘yeah i watched that movie Ibiza like five times, here is my 1k fic where you’re the dj and i’m the one night stand’. but obviously people still enjoy imagining scenarios like these otherwise movies like Ibiza wouldn’t exist?

for art, i consider anything already on display up for grabs, we all know a certain person’s ass is all over the place...all you have to do is google ‘need for speed’ and rami’s name. HOWEVER, in the case of actors i personally would not draw anything more explicit than what’s already there. i’m not gonna draw full frontal nudity for rami (unless he gifts us with it in a movie, i suppose) or anyone. this is 100% a personal choice for me. 

i was a sophomore or junior in college when i volunteered as a figure drawing monitor where i’d time the nude model’s poses and help them set up the stage and lighting and such. there was this one guy in his mid forties probably, a regular who came every week, and i always thought of him fondly till one day (the day after i ran into my Hot Programming TA during dinner and later sent him an email begging him to go on a date with me because i was desperate for kissing experience)(and Hot Programming TA emailed me back within minutes saying yes) this artist guy who i saw all the time and thought i knew fairly well, decided to draw me instead of the model. which would have been fine except he drew me naked. i was NOT naked at the time, i was wearing a shirt, and a bra, and a full prairie skirt with alternating calico and floral patterns. he drew what he imagined was underneath all that. he came up to me after the figure drawing session and showed me his drawings and told me i had been ‘glowing’ and my response was to laugh it off awkwardly and get the hell out of there as soon as i gave the model their pay check. but inwardly i was thinking a) i was NOT glowing for this creepy man twice my age and b) i did NOT give him consent to sexualize my body under my clothes and then SHOW me that objectification. i never said anything to him or anything else, i continued to be the monitor, and i continued to field off creepy advances from him including multiple job offers, but when i finally realized i could just...stop..and i passed the student volunteer monitor job on to my friend naeem, i also realized that what that older male artist did was NOT ok in my book. and it was probably not something he would do while naeem was monitoring.

nowadays im working in an industry that regularly objectifies female bodies. in the past year alone i have had to deal with requests to make breasts bigger, i have been given character rigs that in addition to the usual elbow, knee, and spine joints also have ‘nipple’ joints but ONLY for the women (to make them jiggle for animation), every time i send out a female pose i get it back with notes that push it further into the sexy type of body language reserved for women (twist the spine more! sway the back more! give it ‘energy!’), i have been told to erase wrinkles and fat and pores but ONLY for the women (men you ADD pores bc realism! and manliness!) and this is all me working for a company that is actually fairly progressive in terms of sexism compared to OTHER studios.

like it or not, sexual objectification is a huge part of specifically women’s lives and how we react to that is our business. for me, turning the tables and putting men on display feels like fair’s fair. i cant stop the men from doing it, so if i want to enjoy sexualizing male bodies, damn it im gonna! like dang it, boy do i want to send steve aoki a thank you note every time he posts a video of himself doing those ice baths during the sunset golden hour bc holy shit gorgeous or working out in his gym wearing VERY little clothes, but i dont because i know what its like when someone imposes their personal fantasies on the subject. or, god, there was that time i had to unfollow nicole’s insta for a while bc i had a very explicit dream about her and realized, shit, i need to take a break and get my emotions under control before i can refollow. and god some of the stuff i see dudes sending her during her live videos on mental illness/meditation is TOTALLY gross and not something they should be confronting her with. and she’s not even ‘famous’ famous. or how some fans send their idols explicit direct messages without consent. THAT feels inappropriate to me.

a part of me feels like i shouldn’t have to defend this. men don’t. they’re even encouraged in mass media to sexualize women. but i also recognize the importance of talking about consent. the importance of recognizing that a celebrity deserves to have their boundaries respected. these are my lines in fandom. other people have different lines they won’t cross, and that’s okay to me. i block or blacklist any blogs or tags i think go over the top.

heck, even in fandom-only spaces i still try to keep my own more sexual fantasies off this blog and only in private messages with my friends and mutuals, and i feel like that might come across as unintentionally prudish or judgmental sometimes. i’m not ‘horny on main’ very often. but like...every time i reblog that particular ‘washing machine’ gif of joe mazzello am i thinking about him naked and thinking about how he’s got very loooooong feet, and ‘gee i wonder if that means /other/ things are Too Big for my tastes’ but also ‘gosh wouldnt that make a pretty picture to draw’???? hell yeah.

i dont know who is gonna actually read this essay but yolo i guess :)

[searchingforbucky]

FIC RECS (Part 6) :)

sorry if you got tagged in this again, I'm a dummy and deleted it on accident :( 

Request: Could you recommend me some biker!bucky fics? I’ve read all of @bucky-plums-barnes’ and I’m desperate for more

Alright guys, this is my favorite fic recommendation list I’ve done thus far. Lets buckle up for my absolute favorite AU. This one is LONG. But I just couldn’t stop I love this AU too much to not go on and on lol. These fics are amazing, I tried to keep it to one fic an author, but I stated if they had more! Also the descriptions may be a little smaller, because there were so many I didn’t want this to be way too long :) And shoutout to @bucky-plums-barnes for all of their amazing biker stuff too!

Swallow by @all1e23 

This fic here, is absolutely beautiful. The way Allie writes is so unique, and reading their work is always a wonderful experience. There is never an emotion that goes unfelt by the reader. This fic is a story that perfectly embodies the way love makes you act. Love isnt perfect, its heartbreak, and destruction, and pain, yet above all else its beautiful. Don’t go in expecting a fairy tail, go in expecting tangible realistic love between two broken people. Also, Allie has an amazing story called Home, that I also highly recommend.

New Girl by @omnomsauruswrites 

This was the first biker Bucky story I ever read, and I think thats why its one of my favorite AUs, because I got sun a good start with this fic. I love this story. We’ve got enemies to lovers, biker bucky, and a killer plot twist that I did NOT see coming. All in all it was such a lovely story. Its shorter chapters, but every word is purposeful to making you fall in love with both characters. In the end you get a happily ever after, and you couldn’t ask for more!

Howling’ For You by @invisibleanonymousmonsters

Ohh my love, my whole heart is in this fic. This is such an amazing story. I sometimes don’t love the good girl bad boy trope because its overdone and excessive, but THIS. This is so well done, is he protective? Yes. But does he also know she is perfectly capable of being an independent human? Yes! There were so many twists and turns and absolutely heartwarming love between the two characters. I also love how in character every person is. Amazingly well done, would read it every day if I could.

Wild Horses by @whitewolfbumble

Bad Boy exterior SOFT boy middle?? Yes! This fic is so adorable. It really shows the build of the relationship, and thats always my favorite part. It was such a true to life story in my opinion, the reader started of lost and finding her place in the world, then this lovely group of people just accepted her and helped her through her tough times. It was such a heartwarming read, with angst that just solidified the connection between the characters. And the friendship they all had was so refreshing compared to some stories where people are just rude for no reason. Its a short yet sweet read, and I 100% recommend it.

Long Way Round by @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan

This was a hard one to choose, so many amazing biker stories they’ve written! But im a sucker for series’ and this series is so awesome. I LOVE Plus size reader stories, hell yeah representation! Now this story is a TRIP! Its like a really good episode of criminal minds. There are so many details jam packed into this that I couldn’t put my phone down! Shady gangs, corrupt leaders, and a smart as hell reader. This was just such a good read, not even for Bucky, but just for the incredible story telling. Sweet protective Bucky is always a plus though. Also, check out their other amazing stories like The Bounty, and Red Star Rebel, they’re just as amazing as this one!

A Real Sweet Guy by @mycupoffanfiction

I remember when I first read this it was only a oneshot and I was super sad, but then BOOM it turned into an adorable series. Its not done yet but its so good so far! Its the epitome of soft baby boy Bucky under a hard tough guy exterior. The way Ellie portrays relationships between characters is so cute, you feel the love between everyone whether that be platonic or romantic. Its through details that she sets up this lovely little universe that you just get sucked into, and honesty im fine staying there lol. I cant wait to read more of this one!

Rebel by @promarvelfangirl

Okay for this, just a warning, my device has a little trouble with the master list so it may be easier to use the desktop version :) Okay about the story, holy hell this one is cute. Bucky is HOPELESS, and just wants a date, Peter has the worst timing, and Steve just is along for the ride. I love mutual pining fics where one is completely oblivious to the other trying to ask them out, and the other is just trying their best lol. I felt like banging my head on the table very time Bucky got too nervous, but alas! It worked in the end, adorable little fic. They also have a cute set of biker Bucky stories called Fancy hair that I love so much.

Born To Run by @softbiker

Slow burn baby! This one is still in progress but hot damn is it good so far. I love this trope of the girl not really wanting anything to do with the guy but the guy and his friends being like well thats too dang bad! I love the idea that family isn’t what you’re born with, its who you love and who loves you. This fic is absolutely lovely so far, and though obviously I don’t know much about where its going to end up, where it is right now is good enough for me to put it on this list!

Notorious by @interestedbystanderwrites

I know I’ve been going on and on about how much I love Soft sweet Bucky. But I also LOVE badass tough guy who is very scary Bucky. And oh baby is this the perfect fic for that! Bucky is a felon, and a hot one at that. And what he sets his eyes on, he gets. That thing just so happens to be the all to trusting reader. This is such a thrilling fic. It reminds me of baby driver for some reason. I love seeing the cracks that show a bit of sweet Bucky. It leaves me waiting for more! He’s her addiction, she cant help but to stick around. Such a good fic, I cannot wait for more of it! 

Deny Me by @brooklynsboys 

This fic made my heart turn to mush. Its about an insecure reader, and a tough buck who has the softest heart ever but doesn’t know how to show it sometimes. My absolute favorite bucky is the bucky that only his girl gets to see, and this is the perfect representation of that. The way they write is spectacular. They get you to completely understand the feelings the character has without literally just writing it. You are right there in the world with them, feeling what they feel. And who doesn’t love a perfect happy ending?

Whatever it Takes by @sgtjbuccky 

Oh Buddy, lets talk about how much I LOVE this fic. Bucky is the biggest charming jerk there is, but you love to hate him. I was smiling the whole way through this read. Literally my face hurt by the end I was smiling so big! It was cute, and I felt every frustration, yet every single bit of the tension they had. The reader is a smart little cookie, and bucky is too cocky for his own good. If you want a cute extremely well written fic, this is the place to go!

Tender Surprises by @empyreanwritings 

Jesus, talk about tooth rotting tear jerking fluff. You know those videos where the child asks a pseudo-parent to adopt them? Yeah, thats this perfectly embodied in a fic. I cried, read it again, then cried some more. I love how it mixes tough biker Bucky with soft non-toxic masculinity father. We need more of that. It was so perfectly written, the flashbacks are perfectly placed, and give another layer of depth into this familial relationship they have. I love Dad!Bucky and Biker!Bucky, so to have them wrapped into on is perfect.

Softail by @nacho-bucky 

Theres something about the way Cait writes thats just poetic. She could write about my morning routine and it would be art. This fic is no exception. Its the cutest little thing, two people in a diner, brought together by chance and a little bit of courage. Its an adorable little story about trust, and taking a chance. Bucky is supportive and encouraging, reader is a little scared. But it all works out in the end, because everything is okay when you’re with the one you love. 10/10.

You Give Love, A Bad Name by @em-imagines

I love stories like these.  The cocky boy chasing the uninterested girl, yet there is obviously some tension there? Yeah, thats my cuppa tea right there. Also, its a high school AU! Love those. This story is definitely a mixed bag of feels. You get the super cute chase, but you also see a raw side of Bucky, and his unfortunate home life. As sad as it is, I think its a good representation of true life, where there is always something that you don’t know about someone. Theres vulnerability to this, and that makes it such a lovely story to read. Incredibly well done.

What’s On The Inside by @revengingbarnes

Is this technically a mechanic and not Biker AU? Yes. But he rides a motorcycle and its too good to not mention lol. This fic is ADORABLE. Mutual Pining! Shy flirting! Instant Connection! Bike Riding! Its incredibly well done too. Its just one of those feel good stories, it makes you smile, and want to get to know more about the characters. Soft Beefy bucky is my favorite boy, and this is SUCH a good representation of him. My heart was mush the whole way through. 10/10 would read again (for the 12739th time)

Broken by @allthebucky now on @poeticbarnes 

Forbidden lovers y’all, thats it. Like Romeo and Juliet except Bucky is a dummy who doesn’t know the right thing to do, and the reader just wanted truth. Its a short but sweet little fic, theres so much emotion packed into the story too! You feel the pain the reader and bucky hold at different times, but you also feel the longing as well. Its such a cute relationship they have, and I’m always a sucker for bucky putting the reader first!

Over The River and Through the Woods by @geminimoonbeamx

Sure its only September, but that doesn’t mean its not time for a killer Christmas Fic! Also another plus size reader hell yeah! I LOVE the domesticity from this! Its like Love Actually, a bunch of absolutely crazy people coming together, and the reader and Bucky are just trying to get out alive lol. It also really sweet in dressing what its like to be without those you love on holidays. A perfect balance of sweet and serious. Its so cute, and so funny. I have a non conventional family so I can relate to this so much.  The love between the two is so palpable and so heartwarming. 

Home Sweet Home by @sweet-barnes

Their name says it all. This story is just one big ball of sweet biker Bucky and his sleepy gal. I am always looking for those small tooth rotting fics just to boost my feelings for a day and oh man is this is. Bucky is the biggest cuddle bug in history and not even his scary biker persona can change my mind. This fic made me smile so hard, and then want to take a nice nap with the teddy bear Bucky Barnes himself.

Skin by @captain-ariel-barnes

Okay I love this one because I’ve not read another like it. I love how she portrays Bucky as having been in an accident and having memory problems because of it. Its so real and sad when you think about it because its entirely realistic and truthful to life. And boy is Bucky not just the sweetest thing ever. He wants to remember his girl no matter what, so he makes it permanent. Their relationship is so cute. I just love soft Bucky with my whole heart. Amazing story, so well done! 

The Mailbox by @kaunis-sielu

This one was one of the first one shots I read of biker bucky and I still love it so much! Bucky is such a softie, running into mailboxes fixing them, even having Steve paint it? Okay big bad biker guy, you sure are scary… Also, protective bucky yeah baby!! Hell do what he needs to to keep the reader safe, and oh baby if that isn’t like my favorite trope ever. Also the little sassy elements are hilarious. I also recommend their other biker fics such as Stitches, or Just Married. :)

Oh god. That was a long one. Would you believe me if I said I had to cut it from 37 to these 20 here? Hardest decision of my life lol. Thank you all so much for reading until the end. I hope you all love these fics as much as I do! :)

[redwoodrroad]

tagged by

@krystha

​ to answer some guild wars 2 questions! putting it under a tag because i think it’ll get a little long <3 thank you for tagging me!!

1. Do you have an idea before or after creating a character? normally i have a basic frame for creating a character, but i primarily get most of the characterization beats after i’ve made them. i remember in making my dragon age characters, i had an idea for what they should look like, but i let the story take me through the types of people they would end up becoming, and for being my first introduction to making characters that would stick with me for many many years, i think i adopted the same process for making other game characters like my dragonborn and then my guild wars 2 fellas too

for instance, i knew when i first made Arkus way way back when the game first came out that i wanted a pretty green fella who threw fire, etc; then as i progressed through the character creation and through making personal story decisions, i realized i was being drawn towards a particular characterization for him, one that’s sort of a know-it-all who loosens up over the course of his arc, etc

2. Which race is your favorite to imagine a story about?

probably sylvari! there’s a lot of really interesting stuff about them, and i get a lot of soulmate vibes out of the dream ;u;

3. Which race is your favorite to customize?

i primarily play human and sylvari but dhfgdjfghk i really dont do a lot of customizing unless it’s for specific character purposes? im not sure i do have a favorite! all of my characters have an aesthetic or color scheme i attach to them, and i might update them sometimes to closer approach that aesthetic vision i have for them. Arkus is dressed in whites and teals with the occasional tiny detail of red, and his mounts follow a similar scheme (his raptor i actually made to look like the moon); Eridunis is dressed in red and gold with the occasional tiny detail of green, and his mounts, again, follow the same scheme, and some of them are made to look like the sun

across my other characters, ive done similar things, and i think theyre all really fun to customize in their own ways!

4. Does the profession play a role in the visual?

yes! although not always in like an obvious way. Arkus is a weaver, he uses a staff, he now has the bifrost, so his outfit in many ways matches that. Eridunis is a Reaper, he uses a greatsword, he now has sunrise, so that follows his sun motif.

5. Do you often use the same faces?

i dont have a lot of characters rip lol they all have pretty different faces. i have 2 sylvari, one guy and one girl; 2 humans, both guys but one is meant to look significantly older, so they have very different faces (and i made the older man out to look like a particular character from another game; 2 norn, both guys, one i modeled after my skyrim character and the other i definitely made to look very different; and 1 charr guy, so like. clearly he’s on his own haha

6. Do you often use the same skin colors?

for three of my human-looking characters, they have lighter skin, so i guess yes in that case, but two of them were based on other characters who themselves have light skin. the fourth is Eridunis, and i specifically designed him to look Cuban, to match my family

as for the sylvari, i definitely designed them to have very different aesthetics and very different skin colors. one is green, and the other is sort of purple-ish

7. Do you often use the same tattoos? only two of my characters have tattoos in guild wars 2, both of them definitely different

8. Do you use the sliders for the face or not? yes! i definitely adjusted some things around for i think most of my characters

9. Do you bother to pick colors for the starter armor or not? oh absolutely--like i said, i always have an aesthetic im going for with the character, and i might not actually know what that aesthetic is until i get to that stage of character creation. i try to make each very different anyway!

10. Do you pick carefully the choices for your character base story? for Arkus and Eridunis, yes; i always try very hard to choose things that will align with my ideas for their personalities. and i still wish we had those emotional responses too!! Arkus was always the diplomatic / crown persona; Eridunis was always the charismatic / heart persona with a little bit of the diplomacy later, as he gets more mature

11. If no, is it always the same choices (ie. easiest to complete)? for my other characters, i dont really do story stuff! so i tend to go with what’s easiest or what’s most neutral. although i did make the choice in Amnoon to side with Joko’s army once, and once without taking any help (my primary choice for Amnoon was to invite the Sunspears), only to forward that achievement in the hero panel

12. Do you not bother at all and only use a makeover kit once in game? ive only used makeover kits like..... potentially once. i used it to revamp my sylvari girl and give her a slightly different vibe. i like where my characters are at right now, but i’ve considered altering some of my other characters too a couple times. i might go through with it one day but im happy for now!

13. Do you like/use exclusive faces/hairstyles more? nope! i think i have an exclusive color on my aforementioned sylvari girl, but i’ve considered using an exclusive hairstyle for one of my nords, but i just havent decided it yet

14. Outfit or armor? both for different characters! Eridunis has worn the same outfit for some time now, but Arkus flits between several outfits and even one armor set (the outfits are for different environments, the armor is for when he’s in Research Mode). other characters i primarily have wearing armor, but most of them have like their “favorite outfit” that i might occasionally put them in

15. Do you stick with one armor for each character or do you change a lot? like i said in the last answer, Eridunis wears one outfit all the time and never changes (although i might update the colors sometimes); Arkus was wearing one armor set for a while and would wear an outfit in certain environments, and then i upgraded him to a different outfit, and most recently ive updated him to yet another outfit; the others i have even more flexibility with, i’ll sometimes change what they’re wearing if i find something i think will look good on them. sometimes i even look through the armor in the bank wardrobe, whether i have a skin or not, and i’ll internally plan out what i should work towards obtaining later

16. If yes, why? Is it for “RP��� reasons or just aesthetic ones? aesthetic!

17. Do you have a timeline for your characters (ie. date of birth, armors throughout the story)? oh yes.... but only for Arkus and Eridunis primarily. Sibheal, my sylvari girl, sometimes fits in, but i haven’t worked out the details on her yet

18. Is there a title you use more than another? it changes from character to character, but yes for each

19. If yes, which one and why? Eridunis is “Romantic” but sometimes i put “Emissary of the Mad King” on him for halloween; other times i’ll use “The Inevitable” if im feeling spicy

Arkus is always “Archaeologist”, i know Morten is “Bounty Hunter,” and i believe Sibheal is “The Blazing Light.” the others i cant remember but i keep the same ones on them, each of them different from each other but mostly unchanging

20. What is a big difference from when you started the game to now in regard of characters creation (ie. going faster, going slower, making bold choices, settling on a particular style, etc)? again, i dont really create a lot of characters, but i’ve always taken my time... i think if anything it has become easier to settle on an aesthetic because i know i’ll be able to update things like armor and color later, to get closer to the vibe i envision. the last character i made was modeled after a character in a different game, so naturally i built his look to follow that particular aesthetic and wardrobe (after finishing character creation of course)

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

mystery punk girl

alright fellas i gotta make sure i don’t embarrass myself this time, we got like, stakes and shit now. SO *breaks fingers* let’s make a masterpost of theories

aka i heard someone was interested in some mystery punk girl theories and decided to collect all the one’s i’ve gotten so far

tl;dr: mystery punk girl could literally be anything/anyone. we go over a few theories, notably ones that paint her as a younger sibling to the Calypso twins (Tyreen = First Sister). we also have one where she is a fraternal twin to Ava and mirrors Troy as the non-Siren-twin of a relationship. we also talk about why she hasn’t been getting a lot of cultist worship, like maybe she’s gone missing, or died. also that she may betray the twins (if! she was ever on their side to begin with! 👀) because her color scheme is one of a friend and tbh the twins seem suuuper close and she doesn’t seem to be getting any recognition from the cult.

from the numskull pin page, also where we learned she’s listed as ‘Punk Girl’

so to get to the point, the most obvious theory is that mystery masked girl is the younger (est?) sibling to the twins.

when mouthpiece talks in the beginning of the HBC demo, he calls Tyreen the ‘first sister’. I mention that in a post here (during my live post spamming of the event lol)

it’s mostly interesting because when you refer to someone as ‘the first’, usually the second part of that is what you’re referring to. 

@sugar-high-viking​ brought this to my attention as well when the pins dropped, and also made a great point that she might be either a half-sibling (different colored hair), OR, to tie into my atlas theory about the twins, a similar experiment, but not blood-related (that part is in the notes of said post, i copied it here for easier reading)

which i adore because atlas twins is my favorite theory that’s probably never going to happen. (also hi if you’re reading this, sorry for the tag! i wanted to give credit because that was brilliant)

we do have a biiiit more stuff to go over.

take the mask of mayhem (yes im still working on that analysis, i promise!! i do like a facet a day if im not working on other stuff)

the whole backdrop thing feels to me like an order of importance.

we have the God Queen at the very top and in the middle. 

on her left is the vault hunters, who of course are going to have a prominent role in the story.

on her right is Troy, her right-hand man (ala the cosplay guide) 

and below Troy we have Mystery Punk Girl. can i call her MPG? i feel like i’m allowed to call her MPG

So her and Troy are about the same level as the Vault Hunters.

We can’t really infer that Tyreen is the oldest sibling (First Sister, with Troy possibly being the Second Brother? Or, Troy is the First Brother, Tyreen is the First Sister, and MPG is the Second Sister. i’d imagine the latter is correct because the former would have to use First Sibling to be correct) but we can guess that things on top are ordered in terms of importance.

And considering we haven’t seen NPG in ANY promo material or trailers yet? yeah i imagine she’s not shown off like the twins are, which would explain her lower level. now if that’s because she’s too important for them to be flashy with her, or if because they don’t think she’s worthy, or they want to protect her, or whatever, I wouldn’t be able to say.

Furthermore, we can also guess she’s not in an Angel-type situation. It’s heavily implied Ava is the Siren successor to Maya (but not officially stated). We know she has feathers on her outfit, but as I found out a bit ago, those (likely) aren’t meant to represent the wings that Tyreen and Lilith have on the MoM. They’re part of the clothing some cultists wear (possibly to emulate her looks like they do with Troy and Tyreen).

pictures for proof:

again, none of this is proven, as Ava nor Maya have wings on the MoM, but it is interesting to note. Also, if Ava does end up being a Siren (say her tattoos take a while to grow big enough for us to see, or they appear after her powers come in, fixing the Angel w/ no tattoos on jack’s desk “plot hole” we see in tps) then there’s no way for Punk Girl to have been a Siren.

unless.

ohohohoh...

okay, we know for a fact Troy’s red tattoos aren’t there because of Lilith. 

As of right now, we have officially sourced stuff showing him with his red tattoos during the HBC (on the hologram), which we’ve proven takes place before the Sanc-III scene where Lilith gets her powers stolen.

there are plenty of theories as to why he’s got those tattoos then: because the twins were conjoined, they got the powers from a vault (the one shown on the walls of the HBC), they were experiments, they were experiments because they were conjoined twins, they’re fake Sirens, fake Sirens due to the experiments, etc, etc. i could go on for ages, but im not gonna, cause we’re not here for this.

im going to take the ‘the twins were conjoined’ theory and run with it for a secco. we had that interview where paul sage said at one point either in the development cycle OR in the timeline (the wording is not clear), the twins were conjoined twins. We’ve also seen that the spanish (i believe!) translation of the Calypso Twins yields the version that says they’re conjoined, not just normal twins. so we’re going to hope it’s the right theory.

we know there can only be 6 sirens in the universe. if tyreen was chosen but was still conjoined with her brother, it’s possible he could’ve been messed up by the magic or advanced tech or whatever it is that picks Sirens, and that’s where the red tattoos come from.

So what if MPG is the same way? twin to Ava, ended up not being the one who got the Siren power, rebelled and joined the CoV in hopes of getting her own powers, maybe even to get Tyreen to heal her since it’s possible having a twin with Siren powers can cause an affliction to the other twin. 

It’d be really interesting if the two were abandoned at a young age and it ended up being that Ava was picked up by the Order of the Impending Storm and MPG wasn’t, as Ava was a Siren (like Maya) and MPG wasn’t, so she turns to the cult for help/support/whatever and the twins take a shine to her and basically adopt her as their little sibling. 

(awww maaan i still gotta do my Maya masterpost. hmmm so much to do, so little time...)

tho, that’s 100% unfounded and me spitballing into the void. mostly cause i think she’s gonna end up looking a lot older in game than she does in the MoM. though, in defense, she is titled ‘Punk Girl’, not ‘ Punk Lady’ or ‘Punk Woman’ or whatever. so there’s that, and it seems wild they’d be introducing 2 young girls around the same age and NOT have them be related in some way. even if they’re just storyline parallels to each other (Ava having everything because she’s a Siren and MPG not)

A better theory, is that she’s the 3rd leader/sibling/figurehead of the cult. The game revolves around the number 3, it’s even acknowledged in universe.

cover art of a high-ranking cultist (the one with the rakk wings on the MoM, im assuming)

which is referenced in actual in-game art

we see it in the background of the behind closed doors intro

and i imagine there must be an in-universe reason for this very important cultist (TM) to be signalling the number three, right?

there’s certainly more than 3 Vaults. More than 3 opened at the time too. 

3 pieces to the Vault Map? but the twins got that in its entirety. no reason to look for all three parts.

once lily gets her powers removed, there are 3 Sirens in play (that we know are 100% confirmed atm) Tyreen, Maya, Amara.

yeah, i think the most reasonable answer is that the number 3 is tied to the cult in some way.

while i find it hard to believe she’s something as prominent in the cult as a third figurehead (lack of statues, posters, acknowledge at all whatsoever), i could 100% see her being a third sibling, however.

So why isn’t she being worshipped like the twins? Maybe they’re keeping her out of the light for a reason. 

Maybe she’s sick, like Troy, but Ty can’t heal her right away for some reason, or she picked Troy over her or smth (we’re told troy is the smart one, afterall, maybe Ty decided to pick the sibling she’d get the most use out of. or the one she’s closer to, being twins and all). 

I had that dumb theory that Tyreen is Demeter (Troy is Demophon) and MPG is Persephone, taken away by the Vaults/Eridians/whatever in the twins’ attempt to heal her and either it locked her away somewhere, or it killed her. (Her being sick could also explain the ventilator she’s wearing, but i have another theory about that in just a secco.) And her being missing/dead is part of the reason Tyreen and Troy are trying to get the ultimate power, they’re trying to bring her back to life/heal her. And it could explain why she isn’t being referenced at all in most worship art, maybe the twins banned it or whatever. but if she is sick, i wonder why she wasn’t just miraculously healed by the Guardians (the Watcher specifically?) like whatsherface in TPS.

She could also be something like their secret weapon, maybe she has knowledge about something we don’t yet- be it warp travel, eridium testing, Sirens, Vaults, Eridians, etc, that’s giving the twins the better edge. Eridium testing could explain the ventilator, plus we see a giant waterfall of somethin’ glowing purple and i would bet it’s slag/eridium. 

plus you know im a strong believer of my ‘the twins are using the chemical sludge of elpis to give their followers superpowers’ theory. i mean, if they actually are teleporting the moon (and NOT blowing it up), then it could almost make sense if they want their source of superjuice near their new base of operations/vault/whatever. mostly because we haven’t yet seen Ty give anyone Lily’s powers. As far as we know right now, she’s the sole holder of Lilith’s powers. at the very least, they’re mutating them with eridium/slag. but i wanna believe! so maybe MPG is their way of doing that. giving them insider knowledge of the chemical sludge on the moon, doing tests on it, subjecting the cultists to it, etc. We do see the big boy cultist smack dab in the middle of the mask with rakk wings, which are kind of a corruption of the angel wings we see the Sirens have. and since the Lost Legion Eternal basically have knockoff Siren/Guardian powers due to the chemical sludge on elpis, it would make sense.

she COULD also be our way into the cult. we know nothing about the gal, maybe she’s going to provide us a way to get insider knowledge. im sure whatever the twins post they’re fine with their cultists seeing, so we’d need someone higher up in the proverbial ladder to give us the good info. i do think it’s interesting she does not match the Twins’ colorscheme at ALL. she’s gray and black, yeah, but she’s also pink and orange (yellow?). 

compare these two

to this:

it seems off that, if we are to consider them a unit, their colors clash so hard. (seriously, red and pink? oh my god!) I could almost see it as their way of hinting that she’s not 100% conforming to the twins.

I could also kinda see her being jealous of the relationship her older siblings have, how they’re so close because they’re twins and they share this bond over the Siren tattoos/starting a cult together. I could see her betraying them at some point because she’s sick of being pushed into the background. the pink and orange is a nice color combo compared to the reds and blacks. she certainly looks designed to be a friend.

anyway, that’s all i wrote today. im kinda tied, might add onto this later as i keep wrackin’ my brain trying to think of more theories.

[botanyshitposts]

I wanna get into botany but textbooks and shit are hard to reead fuck I just see walls of words how do I read that shit

ok this actually isn’t the first ask ive gotten about this recently!! textbooks are a severely underrated class of book, but also take a lot of practice and finesse to read at first. 

something that i’ve discovered about textbooks- and this is one of those things that i wish someone had told me and i ended up finding out on my own- is that there are two types of textbooks: 1. the books that you have to buy for class to teach you the basics, or 2. compilations of current stuff on a specific topic

a thing ive noticed about being an undergrad/learning the basics is that ur essentially catching up with the rest of the world, and that’s how all the textbooks u gotta spend like $314231 on at the beginning of the year on are written. so the type one books are structured on teaching you things, which means that each chapter is structured in a cumulative lesson that you have to read all the way through, sometimes slugging through pages upon pages of just…..shit, because you need to know whats on page 9 to be able to understand whats on page 32. these books suck ass. theyre essential and very painful but once you get through them you can get to the cool type of textbook, type 2. 

type 2 textbooks are a weird thing academia does where they get a shitton of scientists together and have everybody write down the new shit they learned, and then they put it in a big overview book. these are kinda few and far between, but are super cool because due to it being just a giant compilation of individual results put together into one giant stack, if you arent interested in what ur reading you can literally just skip it and go to the next cool passage. nobody gives a shit and nothings building on anything else so if you dont understand one, you might understand another better, and u can skip around in the chapters as you please, which makes it SO much easier to read. the best example of this i own is Carnivorous Plants: Physiology, Ecology, and Evolution, which is the newest non-school textbook i own (published last february) and by far one of my faves even though i just got it (side note- some people have told me that they think its super interesting but are hesitant at the price tag and i would like to clarify that i saw this, it cost me Quite A Few Hours At Work, and because im going into the field, dont own any plants at all right now aside from one (1) fern, and had my birthday very recently i am giving myself CONSIDERABLE leeway on my book budget lmao). 

on a similar note: books like this are more expensive because the newer a text is, the more expensive it is because of the demand for new shit. a book 5 years out of date will cost about $20, and a book 10 years out of date will cost $8, and antique books usually cost around $2 lmao. on the flip side, the type 1 botany textbook required for my formal class this semester was bought used for me by my mom for by birthday a few years ago in high school, and cost about $90; books being used by any university for a class immediately jump in price, and books with new editions just released will cost SIGNIFICANTLY less than their counterparts. your best bet in some of these cases is a university library, but i digress lol 

as for botany textbooks for class and how to read them- again, start at the beginning of the chapter and slug through, because you gotta build up a knowledge base. if you’re taking a formal class, then lecture will most likely cover what chapters are assigned, so usually with my undergrad ones i listen intently and take notes in class, then supplement with my textbook by reading the parts that i’m confused on. when i need to read a type 1 textbook, i implement the method i used in high school to pass my AP courses: right when class gets out and i’m still in the ‘We Are Focusing Right Now Yes’ mindset, i sit myself down and dont get up until the chapter is read. this is sometimes more effective than other times. In terms of understanding the material, i find it helps if you look for how the concept you’re learning about is applied irl in studies and stuff, because if gives u a handle on it and brings to light what you do and don’t understand. on a more basic study habit level, if you’re like me and have ADHD but aren’t medicated, if i know i have to Focus ™ i take a caffeine pill or drink coffee in the morning and then try not to eat a ton of sugar until after i’m done studying, because it makes me feel frazzled. really, a lot of ‘learning the basics’ textbook reading is sitting down and slogging through it. 

in type 2 books, i usually flag the pages that i find interesting with little sticky note flags, because it gives my brain a background task of ‘hhhhh find place to put colorful item yes’. 

if you’re experiencing executive dysfunction with the intimidation of reading Big Important Thing: this sounds stupid, but think of it as a long online article. like when you open ur book for ur chapter be like ‘yeah just gonna read this wikipedia page now’. like i’ve learned that when applying an online layout, my brain is like ‘ah yes short and good and will remain focused now’, but when working in a book format- even in an online textbook- my brain immediately goes offline because ‘No!!! Big Stressful Chunk Of Text Gives Me Anxiety. Do Not Like’. i do this while encouraging myself to read regular books, too (*opens horror novel* ‘wow this is a pretty long creepypasta huh’). 

[freshflipwizard-blog]

here’s a permanent starter + plotting call for taako! figured i’d make it anyway just to have it slotted in for later. i just started a new job so i’m going to be busy training + settling in so i think something like this would be helpful! what liking this post tells me, and other notes:

best place to contact me? my twitter! second best would be through IMs! i finished TAZ earlier this summer and have been in shambles since. please talk to me about TAZ if you’ve listened to it! or, if you’d like to listen to it, but don’t know where to start, i’d love to talk about that too! more TAZ friends, the better.

with your approval, i can tag you in opens! (just let me know otherwise)

a lot of headcanons and ideas until we eventually RP them out, lbr lol

also reply to any opens you may have!

now onto the juicy bits:

FRIENDS: this one is complicated, i think. while taako is somewhat approachable and easy to hold conversations with--even if he has a tendency to just do whatever he wants--he is also difficult to get close to? he generally holds people at arm’s length, with the exception of the TAZ crew, and even then, still only trusts a select few. i think i would like for taako to have a wide support system and think he could do to have understanding pals.

CLOSE FRIENDS / CHOSEN FAMILY: not only would taako die for you, not only will he LIVE for you, but he will probably also kill for you! (just tell him who, and he’ll do it!) to be this close will take a lot of time, planning/headcanon-ing, but once you’re in his inner circle, he will be the best brother/friend/comrade/mentor/mentee you could ask for. he is so passionately loyal, so unwavering in his bonds that you can count on him anywhere any time. 

ENEMIES: this one is also complicated but probably easier to enact. taako is usually self-seving and yes, on occasion, also known to help others out when needed. that being said, any scumbag asshole will go down without hesitation and he’s not afraid to tip the scales of friendship and rivalry at any moment. while he does initially give others the benefit of the doubt, once you cross him, it is very hard for him to forgive you. 

ROMANCE: if ever isola gets a kravitz, i would love to talk about them but assuming we don’t and taako is sorta solo and grows without him + other TAZ castmates? i think it’s possible! he is sorta hesitant on love, just as he is hesitant on making friends, so this one will take some work. he’s canonically gay so there’s that! regarding romance, i don’t ship with underage muns or muses, sorry but thank you for respecting this. 

WIZARDS, MAGIC, AND FANTASY CLOWNS!: is YOUR muse a wizard? can they do sick awesome magic stuff? are they down to clown? want to just do pranks and practical jokes? thrift? pilfer? make portals throughout the world? then do i have a deal for you! taako will enable your muse to fulfill their wildest magical dreams! your muse teaches him magic, he teaches your muse some transmutation cooking magic, and the pact is sealed in blood forever!

ELVES! GET YOUR HOT FANTASY ELVES HERE!: because his ego knows no bounds, and as most elves are in their own lore, he likes to kick it with other elves. he isn’t necessarily uppity or pompous, but he knows elves are awesome, usually fashionable due to their longer lifespans, and snarkier than humans and other non-elves. so if your muse is an elf, swing on by!!!

CHEFS!!!!: taako is a chef, your muse is a chef and/or likes to cook--then it’s a match made in souffle heaven my friend. taako is from TV and a well adored cooking personality! he doesn’t cook professionally anymore, but he does like spending time in the kitchen and, when the mood strikes, make something to share with friends.

OTHERS?: if you got something that doesn’t fit with any category above, SHARE WITH ME thank you! i am always down to clown for ideas! 

[elliottheamericanbulldog]

1) Always post the rules.

2) Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you.

3) Write 11 questions of your own.

4) Tag 11 people.

tagged by @canesfish

The painting you would like to live inside?

The Storyteller by James Christensen (I think that's what it's called)

Man I love that painting. That looks like a top notch get together and I used to just like stand infront of it when I was a little kid, staring at ever ridiculously small detail...I really wish I could be there.

Describe the best hairstyle you’ve ever had.

I would have to say that the best hairstyle I've had was when my hair was really short. But I recently grew it out because I was tired of not looking like a girl and tired of rude comments.

Now its almost shoulder length...i plan on dying it light pink if my future workplace has no rules about that and maybe getting an undercut. But I'll have to be careful...cant risk making my self look uglier than I already do lmao.

Do you have guilty pleasures?

Probably.

If yes, name some. If no, how are you so confident about it?

Eating baby food...naw jk I feel no guilt and never will. That shits delicious.

The Sims probably...becaause I know I shouldn't be spending cash on those games, clogging my computer up with them, and sitting on my ass for five hours playing them. But I can't help it.

The best dream you’ve ever had?

I have lots of amazing dreams man it's ridiculous I've had so many dreams of amazing places that I've doodle them into a little map of a wonderful world that will unfortunately never exist.

Your favorite star, planet or constellation?

Lol shiiit man I ain't know shit about any of that stuff. I can only recognize Orion but I wouldn't say it's my favorite.

I like the sun. Keeps me warm.

What do you like the most about your country?

Not sure...I would say that I like being able to be myself without consequence but I don't really take advantage of that anyway cuz im so far in the closet that I can't see the door 🙄

Um...I really like that I can attempt to do whatever I want. I like that for example if tomorrow I decided I wanted to be an actor and live in california then I could immediately start taking steps towards that goal.

Unfortunately I have no goals or desires or motivations but maybe I will one day 😵

...oh also the wildlife. Like shit man there are so many difference animals and terrains and it's so cool.

Your favorite place in your home?

The living room but only if no one is home. If people are home and walking around doing stuff while I'm trying to chill I usually get anxious and go to my room. But when no one is home im pretty much glued to the couch.

Are your grandparents still alive?

As of this year, only my mom's mom and my mom's stepdad. I rarely see them though.

Which of these sights makes you feel the best: starry sky, thunderstorm, rainbow?

Starry sky. I like to look for UFOs 😎

Your favorite 11? 

Piggy backing off the ideas of players because I don't understand this question, my dad's football number was 11 so him I guess.

...

1. what’s something you like but aren’t good at? 

Horse back riding. I did decent enough and advanced through the classes pretty fast but I was way too anxious to keep it up. I was nervous around the trainers and hated when the classes were full so I could barely hear anything. Not to mention I'm small and thin and weak which made certain aspects difficult.

2. if you could travel anywhere, where would you go & why?

India. There is an amazing parrot sanctuary there. Unfortunately my anxiety would never allow me to get on a plane and go to a country I'm unfamiliar with and a language I don't understand.

3. what’s a skill you wish you had & why?

I wish I was more social maybe? Life would be way easier if I wasn't an awkward hermit.

4. what are you struggling against rn?

Lots of things in my stupid head 🙃

5. what could you give a lecture on with no preparation?

Probably parrots but I dunno I'm not really sure. I don't have any particular skills or knowledge in any subject.

6. where is the most beautiful place you have been?

Probably sounds stupid but I really like the Detroit zoo. Idk I think it's a beautiful place and it's so lovely to be there around the gardens even if the animals aren't out.

7.  what’s your favorite genre of movie? what’s your favorite film in that genre?

Is animated a genre? I like animated movies and The Lion King is my favorite animated movie.

8. what song has meant the most to you?

Borders by Amber Liu

9.  have your parents influenced your goals?

Of course. I ask my mom for advice on what to do in my life like all the time.

10. what experience would you rate 10/10?

Going on a mini hike with my friend two summers ago. It was wild, I had no idea my asthmatic add could walk three hours and enjoy it.

11. what’s your biggest pet peeve?

Kinda random but nothing annoys me more than children talking like adults. Like those videos of that life girl who like tells stories and says she's was "shook" this and that. I think it's so stupid. Nor for any particular reason though.

My questions

1. Do you have a favorite something about yourself that you think is strange?

2. What is your dream life? Dream career?

3. Is there a food or drink you could eat/drink every day and be happy?

4. Have you ever won and competitions or awards?

5. What's something that never fails to make you happy?

6. If you could responsibly own any animal, what would it be?

7. What's the farthest you've ever traveled?

8. What's the coolest ransom fact you know?

9. Warm weather or cold weather?

10. What's something you hate but have no reason to hate?

11. Any useless skills?

Tagging: SHIIIT man I don't even know 11 people in real life let alone online and Idk if my dogblr pals would even wanna be tagged so, whoever wants to do this then have at it.

[queenharumiura]

Neo’s RP Comforts

RP Comfort Meme A valuable hella long meme for any role-player! Come display your comfort levels so your role-play partners are aware of what they can do, and of what they should avoid! A healthy relationship between role-play partners is the key to a good time! While this meme shows the basics, please remember to communicate with your role-play partners!

Tagged by: Lol I took this from dA honestly.  Tagging: Anyone who dars fill out his monstrosity.

RP Basics

RP Methods I am comfortable doing:

im: Chat with me on im or on skype (ask for it) if you wanna! We can like plot or just simply chat~

Asks: I’ve done a few rp’s where they just continue through with asks. If you prefer that, we can do that. ^^

Skype:I used to rp more on skype, but I don’t really know with how skype is just...non-functional. I can use it to rp though. 

Google Docs: I’m okay with this if you wanna go for that. Most likely if it’s NSFW, i’d opt for docs because of reasons. 

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OOC/Headcanoning/RP Planning Methods

I love to just talk about HC’s and I also just love to plot. I’m very okay with simply winging things as well. 

im: Feel free to hit me up on im if you just wanna plot or HC with me. I’m totes mcGoats okay with that. 

Asks: I personally do prefer asks because it’s a lot easier for me to hunt through for past conversations rather than on im where I have to scroll forever. 

Skype: If you have my skype, if I have my phone near me, I will hear the notification sounds and will answer as soon as I can. If it’s not around me-- then i’ll only answer if I happened to be logged onto skype.

. Participants I am comfortable with:

One on one RP’s: These are the easiest for me to work with for obvious of reasons. Much easier for me to keep track of where the thread is and whose turn it is to reply. 

Up to three people (including myself): I can manage this

Four or more people: Ehh;;; I can try but that’ll be difficult for me to keep track of. I’d rather not. 

. RP Style I am all right with:

Lit/para: This is basically my default and I love it. This is the easiest for me and so i’m very much down with that. 

1-3 lines: If you wish for shorter threads, I can do this. For shorter threads, I try to match the best I can. For longer threads, I tend to just write however much feels right to me. ;;;;

[text]: I can do these, though I tend to make them a bit on the long side eventually. OTL

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Post Length

I usually write about:

1-3 Pragraphs: I do try to stick within this range if I know people are most comfortable with this range. 

3-10 paragraphs: This is normally when I get a bit carried away because super duper excited and I wasn’t asked to stay within a certain paragraph limit so whooo!!!!!!

PAGES: I really really really try to not get so long that it takes up pages in microsoft word, but it does happen. Normally for angst threads or AU threads. //coughs. I get uh... really excited sometimes

. Partner Post Length I am comfortable role-playing with people who write:

Dude, you do you boo: You can give me one-liners, all the way up to PAGES upon PAGES worth of a reply. I’ll appreciate the effort you put in and have fun regardless. You don’t have to match me. Just write however much feels right to you. I literally will not get mad at you or anything. I just want everyone to have fun. I personally write however much feels right to me anyways, so you can do the same. Write however much you are comfortable with. 

DO NOT GIVE ME LESS THAN 4 WORDS THOUGH, PLEASE.

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RP Speed

I usually reply:

Within minutes: If i’m online and the thread is relatively short and so I can crank out a reply in no time. 

Within a day: Probably got to replying after I get back from work. I have a full time job that I work from 8-5 so during that time frame, I can check the blog during breaks but I can’t reply. 

Within the same week: If it ever takes me longer than 48 hours to reply, I either just took a break, i’m feeling lazy, or it took me that long to realize I never replied. 

Within a month: I’m probably either very busy, I’m being lazy because ‘oh wow such a long thread... maybe tomorrow’ and the cycle repeats. || ‘Oh snap! I thought I replied to this! OMG OMG OMG SO SORRY!’

Longer than a month: I probably am being lazy and lost my motivation. Most likely the reply is hella long and i’m just trying to recharge myself. || ‘It’s my turn? WUT? I thought it was yours! OMG SO SORRY!!!!’

Sporadic: I’m probably just doing all kinds of stuff so don’t be surprised if I’m real active, suddenly disappear, and then get real active again. I do that. 

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I expect my partner to reply:

Dude, you do you boo: I understand you can lose muse for a thread, or that you just lose muse in general. I also totally understand that people have busy lives. Just reply whenever you feel up for it. I’ll wait however long you need to. 

Within 2 years: I’ve waited a year for a reply before and I was totally okay with it. 2 years is pushing it a bit as i’m likely to forget a lot of stuff, but I’ll just re-read the thread if it comes to that. 

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Role-play Requests

The people I’ll take rp requests from: 

Mutualship: Are we mutuals? If you hit me up with a request, i’ll take you on! We’re not mutuals?

Non-mutuals: Wanna rp? Hit me up. If you are an rp blog and you followed me there is a 95% chance i’ll follow back. The 5% chance is if I falsely believed you to not be a rp blog.

OCs: I accept OCs. Whether you are a self-insert or whatever, I don’t care. Just read my rules and abide by them, and we’re good. I’ll take anyone on. 

Charas from other series: You don’t have to be from KHR, I’ll RP with you anyways. That’s what AU’s are for, right? Or simply just winging it. I don’t care. If you wanna rp with me, i’ll give you a shot~

ANYONE WHO ADORES HARU: As long as you tell me that you like Haru, I will throw her at you. Let’s rp, friend!!!

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Expectations

I expect my RP partner to:

Have read my rules.

Use punctuation marks: At the very least use “” if you won’t be using any punctuation. You don’t have to have perfect grammar or whatever, because even I struggle with it, but at LEAST add paragraph breaks and quotation marks, otherwise i’ll struggle super hard.

My Activity: Understand that I work full-time so I can’t reply during work hours. Sometimes I get tired after work and am not feeling up to replying after I return. I also have a shitty sleeping schedule. Understand that I can’t rp 24/7. I will at least try to reply within 48 hours if I can. If you can’t respect that, I don’t think we can rp together.

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Romantic Relationships

** Important: Communication is the key to a real life relationship, it shouldn't be abandoned for a fictional on either! Be sure to talk to your partners when considering romance! Shipping I am comfortable shipping my characters:

With chemistry: I need to feel a ‘vibe’ between the two characters. Like something in my gut that tells me they’ll work together well. If I don’t feel it, I can’t force myself into shipping with anyone. I cannot just jump into a ship. I personally can’t do that and Haru wouldn’t appreciate it. Unless I feel the two characters can get along well, I won’t ship wit anyone. 

With considerable interaction: I will not ship with anyone after just having one thread with them. I personally prefer a gradual build up. I need there to be a good amount of interaction between the muses for me to gauge how well I think they can be together. 

AU: If it’s for the sake of an AU, then i’m okay with shipping then, but I won’t consider it a canon ship of the blog. If you’d like for it to be, discuss it with me.

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If you want to ship with my characters:

Interaction/chemistry: Ensure there is a decent amount of interaction between our muses and for there to be chemistry between them. 

Ask: Just ask me how I feel about shipping and i’ll give you the honest truth. 

HC’s/Angst: Understand that shipping with me means that I WILL throw HC’s at you left and right. I do not stop. I am a tornado of random ideas and I WILL BURY YOU WITH THEM. I will probably also throw angst at you because it FUELS MY VERY SOUL. If you don’t like angst, I will refrain. 

     -    Abuse/toxic: I absolutely do not condone this and cannot and WILL NOT do this. I’ve had my own experiences with different kinds of abuse or toxic friendships, so I cannot handle these on any level. They really bother me and scare me. If you want a toxic relationship, I am not your gal.

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NSFW material 

NSFW material i’m comfortable with: 

Violence: I mean, this is the KHR-verse. It’s bound to happen. I’m sorry to say that i’m not very good at writing out action and violence. OTL

Blood: I think this is a separate category? I mean, this is just territory with the series she’s from so--ye. If Haru is going to end up hurt, i’ll be sad for her, but I’d totally do it. Angst threads, here I come.

NSFW Material i’m okay with:

Smut: I am a shy bean okayyyyyyyyy? I don’t know if I can/will smut on tumblr but if I do, just know the first time will consist of me CRYING IN THE TAGS. Most likely i’ll cry at you and ask to move this to docs because i’m hella mega SHYYYY. Though if you manage to keep me on tumblr for the first time, I’ll become comfortable and it’s free game from there. ((By ‘first time’ I mean the first I rp smut with anyone. lol It’s like an initiation lololol))

Torture: Again, this is KHR-verse. This is to be expected. I’m not very good at writing this out though... so I’d likely refrain from trying-- but I so can.

[chanxyeollie]

70 questions, tagged by @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x thx bby

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents? uhhh... well me & my mom generally have a good time, she acts more sisterly if that makes sense?? but me and my dad butt heads A LOT and do not get along very often.

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? see i’m pretty uncomfortable physically saying the words but like probably my cat or something lol.

3. do you regret anything? um YES let’s see off the top of my head: dying my hair red in the sixth grade, putting waaaay too much cheese on the pizza i had the other day, and being such a shitty student this year haha.

4. are you insecure? yES. i mean i have this rule that everyone who knows me in irl knows. like no one is allowed to take pictures of me. or share pictures of me. if they want a picture i have to take it or i have to direct them. there are years of pictures of my growth or w/e missing and it pisses my parents tf off lol.

5. what’s your relationship status? single as the day i exited the womb

6. how do you want to die? preferably when i’m asleep i mean??? like i don’t wanna feel anything so...

7. what did you last eat? pork? and then right after whipped cream from a can because that’s who i am as a person.

8. played any sports? hahahahahah fun fact i don’t play sports because i have really weak ankles - i’ve sprained both of them twice!

9. do you bite your nails? ugh yes... i had three years where i didn’t but now i do. :/ i’m trying to break the habit by carrying an unlimited amount of nail files with me. i miss having long nails SO MUCH.

10. when was your last physical fight? two nights ago, my mom came home after work at like midnight and hid behind a wall to scare me, which resulted in a ninja-like slap from me.

11. do you like someone? the beauty of being socially awkward and anxious and being in a uni where you don’t have to talk to anyone means there is no one to get to know and crush on. nice. :-)

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? no, i’ve stayed up for 37 but that was the longest and i was... pretty wacked out by then but that’s a story for another time.

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? if i do i’ve blocked them from my mind i??? can’t think of anyone at this particular moment, probably just fictional characters.

14. do you miss someone? i’m gonna say this really adorable cat named toby that i saw at a petsmart like a year ago. i hope he found a good home.

15. have any pets?
 three cats! boris, pepper, and widget.

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?
 um a little bit numb because i’m sitting on my foot but otherwise neutral.

17. ever made out in the bathroom? no

18. are you scared of spiders?
 yeah the story of the first time i stayed up for a full 24 hours relates to a spider. also when i was very little i had a night terror where i had materialized a tarantula the size of me on top of me in my bed and well. that scarred me for life yanno?

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? fuckin yeah i’d tell myself not to confess to that one guy. embarrassing

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? never lol

21. what are your plans for this weekend?
 crying before i start work on monday. i really don’t wanna go back, fuck.

22. do you want to have kids? how many? yeah! i already made a pact with myself that if i’m still single when im in my thirties i will adopt some kids. 

23. do you have piercings? how many? just my ears~

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)? um well once it was english but NOT ANYMORE LOL

25. do you miss anyone from your past?
 no, i don’t think so.

26. what are you craving right now?
 surprisingly more of the pork i had earlier even tho i didn’t really like it lol??

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?
 no

28. have you ever been cheated on?
 no, kinda have to have had a boyfriend for that to happen

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
 no

30. what’s irritating you right now? the exam i have tomorrow. i should have withdrawn from that class i’m gonna have two F’s on my transcript wails

31. does somebody love you? my youngest cat. i am her mom.

32. what is your favourite color? black, pink in your area

33. do you have trust issues? yes but at the same time no

34. who/what was your last dream about? omg k let me get out my dream journal hang on... okay a short synopsis: my friend owned a burger king in this area near our high school (idk??) and i worked there w her, her boyfriend, and a few other people but one of the guys took my uniform which was, by the way, for some reason pastel blue and pink overalls but like shorts? and they were puffy like winter jackets. and then so i couldn’t work but i was still there and then allison and lydia from teen wolf walked in and we had like a reunion bc apparently we were friends lol and then scott came in and then stiles came in after him and i like ran to him and we hugged. idk what happened in my head man.

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? omg... my roommate. because i read a really sad fic and i tried to hide my tears w my blanket bUT SHE CAUGHT ME and then i started laughing while bawling my eyes out simultaneously bc i was embarrassed rip.

36. do you give out second chances too easily? gdi yeah i do. but i’ll bitch abt the person a fair amount first.

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? forgiving is hard but i’d never want to forget anything someone did to me. i’d want to remember so i can caution myself to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again.

38. is this year the best year of your life?
 um no unless the second half is gonna have a really great turn around.

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? well i can tell you at this rate i’ll be 20 or over when it finally happens

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? (réka omfg i laughed so hard at ur answer) no i have not. but once i forgot to take my pajamas off and just put my clothes over them and then when i went to the bathroom later in the day i was really fucking confused

51. favourite food?
 well you got ur meats, steak, bacon, any sort of chicken. but you got pizza too. and you got sugar waffle cones... i mean like how am i to pick?

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? i mean i hope it does because otherwise that’s just a big fuck u from the universe.

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
 (réka fuck me up enter the realm of exo) um i read exo fics and then i was on @vixx17andbtsimagines‘s blog catching up on her stuff.

54. is cheating ever okay? noooooooooooooo~~~~~~ its not like wtf is that why would you put someone through the pain that’s so shitty. idc the circumstance.

55. are you mean?
 no i’m really not but my face and fast-paced walk and avoidance of ppl makes them think i’m a mega-bitch. seriously, at least three of my friends have told me that was their first impression of me yikes.

56. how many people have you fist fought?
 technically two but very lowkey. the first one was a very hesitant, light slap to the face of this boy when i was in the sixth grade - i was very scared to do this but afterwards he cried and said i broke his jaw lmAO. and this doesn’t really count but this guy i was friends with was sitting across from me at a table and he jokingly threw a plastic fork at me and out of pure reflex i smacked him across the face. this has happened more than once disclaimer rofl.

57. do you believe in true love?
 books make me want to believe it. but i don’t really know. i feel that can only be answered by someone who’s experienced it idk??

58. favourite weather?
 just... march, october, and november because that is when there are no bugs and it’s cold enough to wear pants and the bulk of my clothes without sweating/freezing.

59. do you like the snow?
 yeah if i’m not in it lol. those canadian winters, man

60. do you wanna get married? yeah i’d like to one day, but when i think abt having the ceremony i get very anxious haha

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? that depends on the person?? but i feel like i’d personally be such a sucker for it if it was from the right guy lol

62. what makes you happy?
 the rare perfect cup of coffee, music, smyang’s music box version’s of songs, exo and bts crack videos (i die every time), having a good ass sleep with my body pillow to name a few.

63. would you change your name? yeah i go by aluri everywhere because its what i want to change my name to. by this point i’ve ‘had’ it for ten years and even though my family/irl friends don’t call me it, that’s all the online knows me as.

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
 well the last person i kissed was in a dream and it was mark from got7 so no, not at all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i don’t have one of those anymore so

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? no?

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
 shocker it was my dad lmao

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my roommate. which sucks because we aren’t roomies anymore and i’m gonna miss our car talks so much. :/

69. do you believe in soulmates?
 if the reason i haven’t been so much as looked at by a guy is because the world is saving me for my soulmate then sure. but otherwise NO

70. is there anyone you would die for? my oldest cat boris. :/ he’s kind of my best friend so what’re you gonna do, you feel? i love doing things like this as an excuse to talk abt myself  & it was really fun so thank you for tagging me babe @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x and i loved reading yours!! and um gonna tag my two mains again @tearsmp4 @bunmyeon because a) i love them b) i have no other friends seriously also @sooberri if you wanna do this i’d like to know more about you as creepy as that sounds ^^

[suckit-aynrand]

wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication? 

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....