#yes i'm that desparate

[svtellify]

okay but what if vanitas dying simply means that noe kills the monicker "vanitas" and vani leaves on as his true name, free from the blue moon altogether,,,

[pom-seedss]

I need to know how people do it*, because I've got no fucking clue.

I keep falling on my face and fuck I will keep picking myself back up eventually but like... that's not progress, you know? It's not even slow progress.

Not that slow progress is at all considered progress in this day and age. Where everything gets faster so you may as well be standing still.

Well. More like doing burpies in place considering all the work I'm doing just to stay where I am.

How do you do it? How do you...just do it?

How does one fail and fail and fail and fail and ..... keep going?

How does one continue to put oneself out there and actually...get..something back?

Friends? Money? Anything?

You'd think at this stage in my life I'd know...something? Anything? But it seems like everything I knew is outdated and everything I try to learn is so obtuse or doesn't work for me or whatever.

just....fuck...

*It being literally almost anything if I am being honest.

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

[balkanradfem]

I'm about to write something horrifying (to me) and I don't even know how to preface it. Some extremely cruel intentions, I guess.

So, I'm still searching for a roommate, with my add pleading for only women to respond. Of course, tons of males are responding eagerly, reassuring me they're better than any female roommate, and I say no. In most cases thats that, but I had a few phone calls that have been intense pressure and even difficult to get rid of. About three times now, different males called me with a proposition that they move in with me, and they would pay everything, rent and bills, on their own. This sounded like a nonsense proposition and I would say no and hang up as they're insisting and explaining and promising this would be ideal for me. Baffled by the nonsense, I assumed they wanted to do something illegal in here or wanted to have me kicked out and take over the apartment. But it was weird that it happened three separate times! And always the same proposition. I move in and pay for everything.

I was at the plant lady's house and I started to complain about the nonsense males say to me over the phone, and as I was explaining, her son entered the room and overheard the chat. He looked me in the eye and said 'Oh they want something else from you.'

I froze in embarrassment. Because I hadn't figured it out. And gyns you know me. You know with m*n I always assume the worst possible thing and I hadn't even thought of that. I didn't think, that my add where I'm only asking for a female roommate, would make them go 'Oh I'm going to move in there and make her my live-in prostitute.' 

I stuttered, saying something about how I thought they wanted to do something illegal, and plant lady logically argued it would be easy for them to do that living alone, they want a 'wife'. Disgusted, I protested 'But I didn't put out any info about my appearance, age, they have no idea who I am or what I look like!' 'Oh these people don't care' They both laughed at me. Embarrassed and mortified, I thought more about it at home. 

The only thing they knew about me from the add was that I was a woman, renting a place and looking to half the rent, and that I was unwilling to share my living space with males. And not only one, but multiple males came up with with the same scheme. In this scheme, the woman they're trying to exploit isn't even getting money out of it, only her half of the rent covered. She would have no profit at all, only to keep what she earns otherwise, and to be under the threat of being kicked out of her home if she fights him off.

If I had been someone a bit more naive or desparate, and said yes, can you imagine? Being threatened to be kicked out on the street unless I comply with their rape. They could easily do it if they pay for everything and are stronger than me. I'd become homeless. I did't realize what I was saying no to, because it was such nonsense to me, but a male only heard about it for a second and knew immediately what was up. So this isn't me assuming worst intentions, a male recognized their scheme instinctively. 

I'm sad and upset this keeps happening to me! I can't immediately hang up to any male voice because sometimes they're looking for accommodations for their daughters and I have to be sure. Don't worry though! Someone is coming to look at the apartment tomorrow, and it is a woman.

Stay safe everyone and assume the worst of males.

[zweiginator]

do u tbink reader and bsf!patrick would ever start hooking up but in like a fwb way? bc imagine….and wildly enough it’s HER who’s like ‘cant get attached’ blah blah blah. like it’s her being the one to make it clear that this doesn’t change anything, she’s completely platonic outside of it (well ok not really), she won’t think of them as dating even tho they practically are.

and it’s so obvious she thinks he’s not taking it seriously. assumes he’s going on dates. tries to not think ab it.

n eventually he just like loses it. points out how "it’s not fucking fair. you do all this shit to me, with me, and now you’re acting like i’m the crazy one for thinking we’re more than just fuck buddies? that’s all you wanna be? fuck off" and angry sex…..

NOT SURE JUST SOME THOUGHTS…

yes. youve seen patrick's ex girlfriends, how obsessed they still are with him. there is something so egregiously intoxicating about him--it scares you. truly knocks the wind out of you.

you didn't get it before you became friends with benefits. before you leapt over that line in the sand that had been toed over for year and years.

but that one night in september when patrick had just broken up with a girl, and you were feeling upset after yet another horrible date--you got it.

patrick comforted you that night. it felt selfish; you were upset about a guy you met maybe twice. he had just dumped a girl he thought he truly loved.

you brought up the idea.

"let's just be friends with benefits." you plead. the truth was that you were so curious about him. as he grew more and more and became a man instead of an immature little boy--you wanted to feel him.

"what are you talking about?" he didn't want to ruin your friendship. but thee truth was that he had broken up with his girlfriend because of a petty little disagreement. it was trivial, really. he told himself it was just pure incompatibility. but in reality, he resented her for not being more like you. nobody could be you--except for you.

patrick knew it would be complicated. for some reason, you figured it wouldn't be. patrick was always hooking up with and talking to new girls. it seemed like he had the no strings attached thing down pat.

patrick made love to you that night. that was the only way to describe it. slow, meaningful, deep thrusts, your legs wrapped around his waist. desparate for him to be closer.

his words were filthy. he spread your cunt open and cooed about how pretty it was. how it opened up just for him. how wet he had made you. so pretty. so perfect.

it made you cum. it made your nails dig and dig and dig into his back.

you understood how his exes turned obsessive. maybe not even turned.

so you vowed to never get too attached. to never ruin your friendship.

you never slept over at his place, and you never allowed him to stay the night at yours. no pillow talk or sweet nothings. no dates.

of course, these stipulations had loose definitions. and as best friends, it was inevitable to show appreciation to each other, to go out to an occasional nice dinner or impromptu lunch.

patrick was becoming more and more livid with you. you didn't know what had changed. he was more bossy in bed; he went from slow sessions of eating your pussy to slapping his cock on your tongue and commanding you: fucking suck on it.

of course, you liked it. you loved anything he did to you. but maybe you missed how sweet he used to be. you wouldn't admit to yourself why that was.

valentine's day was soon. and maybe patrick had assumed that you would be his date. he made reservations for you.

"patrick, what are you talking about? no, i'm not gonna be your valentine." you shake your head, taking his tennis rackets from him to shove in the backseat.

"what the fuck do you mean 'what am i talking about?'" patrick lowers his voice. "we've been fucking for like 6 months why are you acting like this?"

"exactly," you say. "we've been fucking. we haven't been dating. i told you this would be purely platonic when we started."

patrick scoffs, slamming the door. he's yelling at you now. "so you're just gonna act like i'm fucking crazy for thinking this is more than platonic when it is definitely more than platonic?" he forces the car into reverse, driving away angrily.

"you're mad because i'm keeping my word--no, our word."

"whatever." patrick spat. "you're full of fucking shit. acting like this hasn't been dating this whole fucking time. making me seem like a fucking idiot for thinking you liked me."

"i do like you-"

patrick seethes; the vein in his neck pulses as he parks the car. he's dropping you off at your apartment.

"get the fuck out. go home. this is over--all of it is."

you gather your things and get out of patrick's car. you have barely shut the door when he skids away. your breath is visible in the cold february air, but your body is hot, and stiff with anger and confusion.

you think he will break and call you first. but one week passes, and then valentine's day. and soon it's march and you haven't so much as seen patrick for almost a month.

it's stupid. you go to patrick's apartment. you look like a lost puppy dog.

he doesn't answer the door. you know he's home. his car is in the driveway, you hear music in his living room. maybe he's with another girl. maybe he really did move on.

you don't leave. it's freezing, and your jacket is light--it's not made for the dry cold that hurts at the end of winter.

patrick opens the door.

"what the fuck are you doing here?"

your lip wobbles.

"it's freezing out here what's your problem?"

patrick bullies you. he pulls you inside and wraps you in a blanket but sits on the opposite side of the couch. doesn't say a word.

you speak up; he cuts you off.

"i have nothing to say to you."

now you're begging. you're crying and the tears are stinging and you're on patrick's lap trying to get him to notice you.

"please pat, p-please. i miss you."

patrick grabs your jaw. he's stern. "this isn't how platonic friends act. this isn't how you fucking cry when you're just friends."

he's right.

you pull at his shirt. "please, i need you, i'll do anything. want you to be mine. i was so--stupid."

patrick is hard beneath you. he likes this.

"you're so fucking pathetic." he spits.

you get down on your knees in front of him.

"i'm so stupid."

"show me how much you want me." he pushes his sweatpants off; he's wearing no underwear. and his cock looks bigger. just as angry as he is.

you grab him into your hands and spit on his cock, moaning as you kiss it all over. lick him from his balls to the weeping head of his cock. suckling on him and hallowing your cheeks. saying im sorry im sorry im sorry.

he slaps his cock on your face. tells you you should be.

you feel how he pulses in your mouth; he groans as he pushes your face into his balls. you suck them into your mouth. your eyes water and your pussy drools for him.

patrick pulls you up. puts you on top of him. pushes your cunt onto his throbbing cock until you're gasping. god he's big and he's fucking relentless. you're not even moving and he's fucking up into you so hard you feel like you have whiplash.

but god, it feels so good. patrick pulls your hair, palms your ass, slaps your face. he rubs your clit and laughs at you. laughs at how much you're moaning. how easy you are.

"are you fucking sorry?" he asks. his balls slap against your ass.

you can barely get a word out.

"yes--i'm so sorry."

"tell me you love me." he wipes a tear from your eye. "tell me you fucking love me."

you nod, cumming right then. coating his cock in your slick, milking him.

"i love you patrick. love you so much. i'll never leave you again."

patrick cums too.

[saphirafoxgirlspost1]

(Open Rp) "Legend of the Golden Dragon"

Long time ago, Saphira and Her Now Soon-to-be-Ex-boyfriend Name "Daniel Landus Rooster" Who she's been with him for the past 10 years of their relationship and Daniel is from a Lovely wealthy family as well and his parents are very good decent people..During the Times, She was once pregnant on the 9th year and She was thrilled that she heard that she's going to have a baby girl and so Does The parents Of Daniel rooster..but To daniel who heard about this…Wasn't really happy about this…He began to act Childish and wanted to have a son..but then..Saphira tore his ass up with a harshful Lecture and telling him To Stop acting Like King Henry VIII, She told him that he needs to get his act striaght up..and she heard the other news that she not only have a baby girl but a baby boy..She was thrilled..but.. sadly..the car ran her over and cause her to have miscarriage of her 2 unborn children..she was at the hospital very devastated..and next year..Daniel is all happy and all..while saphira find it odd about him..he came home late until one day, She got called From the cops that Daniel is in jail For Murder and also prostitution and Embezzlement of Saphira's Fathers company that he works for…Saphira's eyes widen in rage..and she storms to the police Station to pay a visit on jail.and saphira sees Daniel wearing an Orange jumpsuit..and Daniel sees rage on saphira's face as he knew That he is in The WHOLE mess Of trouble written all over him..And then She Picked Up the Phone With anger and Disgust..and she said in anger tone,

Saph: "Where the Hell Were you During the night?"

Daniel: "Listen saph…I was shopping and u-"

Then saphira Slammed on the table and Snapped at him

Saph: "DON"T LIE TO ME!!, I heard what you did..and I want to know..Did you Purposly ran over me in the car?..I heard from one of the police that they Saw you drive the car..and run over me and cause the death of Our children..and I Want the truth..Right..Now."

Daniel : Sighs softly "Yes it was me.."

Saph: "WHAT!!!?? Why Did you Do that Daniel!? What were you thinking!!? You Killed Our 2 Unborn babies!!"

Daniel: "Wait? Two babies?"

Saph: " Yea! You Dimwitted LOUT!! I was Having one boy and One girl! I was going to tell you but now, You Killed them Ya Monstrous BRUTE! You wanted that Son SO Desparately Mr. King-Henry-VII But YOU Lost your Damn Chance! ALL because of you Hated My Daughter So much That you Did the Unthinkable!! So tell me…Why did you go to the Burlesque For Prostitution?!"

Saphira was in rage as Daniel was shocked, His face was pale and now he's filled with regret and horrid..and then..he answers

Daniel: "I-i…sighs I wanted to have fun..so i slept with 15 girls in that place…"

Saphira's eye widen with shock mix with now fully malice in her and She said,

Saph: "YOU WHAT!!?? Not only you Killed my babies but Sleeping with 15 Whore in that godforsaken place!! Is there anything that I wanted to know about this!?"

Daniel: "Well..your not going to like it..But I got one of them pregnant."

Then saphira was so in rage that she has Blood shots in her eyes and she slammed her fist on the table in anger..and she said

Saph: "OH THAT"S IT!! Your Not only a Murderer and a thief but your nothing but a Mangy Cheating DOG! But not only this! You Are Mean, Rotten, Selfish, Cruel, Wicken and LOW-Down! and your parents is on it's way..and Boy They have a Bone to pick with ya! They already Knew What you did To their grandbabies! and I'm going to make sure That you'll pay me for all the Damages That you put Upon me and Now my precious angels! And also..From this day Forth, We're Over! We're done! and I hope That your getting what you Deserve and I'm going to make sure you'll Never Set Foot in my Property again!"

Daniel: "But Saph! You know how strict my parents is! I heard they'll bail me out and make me Pay back! Please I'm sorry..lets start over!"

Saphira: " Well Thats too Bad Daniel! You Lost your chance to be a good father to my kids, But now Your not even fit to be a Father in the first place! I Hope that Woman will place your child at Foster care because No Child ain't going to have Such a Horrible Father who only killed Children all because of Obsession of having a Son! I am Sick and tired of your Cruel behavior and your Little TroubleSome antics! We're through Daniel Rooster! Good-bye and Good Riddance!"

Saphira Hangs up and Left him..and His parents just arrived to pay his bail and Dragged Daniels ass to his home and His father and Mother Tore his ass Into New about Acting Irresponsible and unthinkable thing he did and Telling him what a failure he is as a man and Human being itself..and then His parents apolgize To saphira and her father about Their Horrible son's Troublesome behavior..They paid saphira Compensation For the damage He cause…and Now Daniel is Force to work day and Night to Pay His parents up for many part time job.. As Five years went by, Saphira fell into a despair Until Her Father Decided to Invited Every single Men who wanted to be with her..but all turns out..they only love her wealth..and He sighs and Pray to Inari the kitsune goddess to Give Saphira a man of her Life who would treated her right but then..There's a scroll that fell off the Shelf..and he discovered there's a way to get any elegible Man to retrieve and rewarded them With His daughter..So the scroll shows That there's a legendary Dragon armor made of Pure Gold and Only pure hearted Lad who will wear the armor but there's a bad Armor that was sealed up for all time..and he who wears that Dark Dragon armor can possessed such a corrupted Powers beyond their wildest dreams..So He Invited every elegible young men to find a golden armor and he will reward someone by the hands of his beloved daughter….then One of the Brave man came To Saphira's father and Said…

[jadeee]

Scaling Walls

Kento proposed before leaving for war. He said he'd be away for six months, but it's been a year.

— Author's Note — There's an alternate ending.

4.3k ⁎ depression, anxiety attacks, mentions of war @luneariaa @raevennsge @everything-minni

The Mad Maiden. It was an insult. Salt in the wound. A disgrace. Betrayal, disrepect, dishonor... but.. were they wrong?

You gazed out over the ledge and into the fog of the September sky. The air turned cold, yet it couldn't compare to the chill that seeped into your spine months ago. He wasn't one to make promises, so he desparately fought your attempts to extract an exact date from him. However, he stated that six months was the minimum for his departure. 

You're only a woman. You can't stop war. 

You remember how your throat tensed at the sound of him saying how long he'd be gone. 180 days, which was half a year without being next to him. Hearing his voice or holding his hand. Seeing him smile at your quips. Making you laugh with some ludicrous comment. How the corner of his lip would turn upward when he'd lean in during functions to whisper something the tabloids would have a field day with. It was nearly summer when he'd left. The world completed it's annual rotation around the sun without your lover's return. It was now fall... Your eyes watered. Your heart ached. Stomach churning at the, unfortunately, familiar abscence of his prescence.

"Princess..." the voice of your lady in waiting, Belinda, called from behind you. "Princess, please step back from the ledge."

 You glanced at her over your shoulder, "Don't insult me."

Her chest rose until it seemed her dress would burst. "I was only... I... forgive me."

Your nostrils flared slightly as you faced forward.

"Please... come inside. There's a chill and you've left your coat."

"Have you forgotten you're my help, not my mother?" you bit your tongue as you gazed out at the forest beyond. Your hands gripped the rail. The metal from your ring pressing into your flesh. The diamond still shined despite the beginning of the dull fall weather.

"... Leave."

The woman knelt, then turned to leave as requested. The breeze blew through the sheer fabric of your dress, which started to slip from your shoulders much like the others. Goosebumps pricked your skin but you felt nothing.

April 21st, 1905

"Hello, nice to meet you." your hand shook that of other royals. The room filled with onlookers who waited for this very moment. Your staff had taken special care of mending the wrinkles of your dress that morning. Tucking and pinning your hair this way and that. Adjusting diamonds until they shined ever so brightly, then polishing the ring. You twisted it round your finger as you walked toward the podium. It'd been nine months and he hadn't sent so much as a piece of string. 

The first few months were filled with letters, exchanging of small mementos and keepsakes.

Should we have a spring wedding? It could symbolize our new chapter as a married couple. What about colors? Should we have a traditional royal wedding? Oh God, the thought... Please help me decide... there's still the dress. Oh! Where should we honeymoon? 

All my love, 

An indecisive bride

You rested your hand at your side, then lifted your dress as the official helped you up to the platform. Maybe it was the tiny twists of flowers in the nearby vase that reminded you of his handwriting. The black ink from his last letter seemed to imprint itself in the walls of your mind.

I'm afraid things are not progressing as we would've hoped...yet, I'm eager to return to you, my beautiful wife. Yes, I know we're still engaged but it's true in my heart. You take up a lot of space there. As for the details, I'd much prefer to elope. Wouldn't you? I don't care for the details, as long as we're together. Although, if something isn't to your liking, do tell me so I can take care of it.

To my everything,

Kento

P.S.: I'd like to honeymoon somewhere warm and tropical.

A warm smile resided on your face as you stared at your hands. That was four months ago, during Christmas. Which you'd spent alone for the first time. Tears stung at your eyes, then someone in the crowd cleared their throat. You lifted your eyes to the crowd. As if you suddenly realized you were being watched and waited on. You held your head high, ensuring the crown wouldn't slip.

"Thank you to the King and Queen for my being here. I would be remiss if I didn't —"

Your eyes landed on a man who wore badges you easily recognized, since Nanami had the same ones. You recall making him explain each one to you during one of the late nights you often spent together. It'd been a year. 365 days and then some. The papers were no longer covering the war, yet cameras were pointed at you while you were here to discuss... what? Nationality? Pride? Being faithful to King, God, and country? Your throat tensed, chest rising and falling every few seconds. "I can't began without —" 

You shifted your stance as you looked out at the crowd. Their faces slowly morphing into various shades of skin tones and colors instead of distinguished features. "I— I'm sorry." your breath quickened as you stepped away from the microphone emitting murmurs from the crowd.

"I can't." you faced your guard who stood by your side still as stone. His eyes, however, studied you with soft concern. As he offered you his hand, you pushed it away and ran past him to a corridor. He followed you without hesitation. The murmurs morphed into a low buzz, a steady hum of Did you see that? I think she was going to cry. It's her fiancé. Does anyone know what happened? Shame to be a widow before the wedding. Who'll design the dress?

The often hardened eyes, melted at the sight of you on the floor of the empty hall. The chiffon of your dress pooled at your bare feet, shoes cast aside, crown lying sideways by your legs which were tight against your chest. His salt and pepper brows twitched while he fought to maintain his neutral facial expression, as he was taught when he first began.

You sobbed into your hands, "He's dead isn't he? And no one wants to tell me because they pity me. He's been blown to bits or tossed aside in a ditch!"

Vincent knelt down to your level and spoke your name softly, breaking every single rule. You drew your hands down slightly then looked into his eyes. The silence seeped in, until it nestled itself into your belly. A rock hardening in the pit of your stomach, ready to savor and swallow every single fear you had.

"... no" you uttered and shook your head "no, he..." you tilted your head to the side "please..."

"I don't know if he is, but... I need to get you back to the palace. We need to get you away from you here."

Your carefully painted lips formed a frown. The skin of your chin wrinkling at the very act. Another round of your sobs echoed throughout the hallway and the buzzing seemed to grow closer. "Princess, we have to leave."

People shouted your name from the other side of the door. "Have you heard from the Prince? Is he still off at war?! Did he leave you? Will there still be a wedding?!" 

Your heart sank into the pit where it would be devoured. The doors rattled, beating like the drum of an ancient song.

"Get back! Immediately!" a group of guards shouted amid the commotion. You glanced over at the oak doors. Maybe being trampled on would be better. You wouldn't know since Vincent scooped you up in his arms, then carried you to the exit behind the building away from prying eyes.

The next few months were filled with silence in every single form and shape. Silence from your mouth, save the typical "I'm not hungry" or "I'm not going." Silence in the halls, since you hardly left your room the staff didn't have to work as much. So they stood, waiting for you to come back to life. Yet, you slowly hardened each day into stubborn stone, residing in sadness.

Your staff didn't bother to ask for permission to enter anymore since you stopped speaking except when necessary. They only knocked to make you aware then opened the door timidly to do whatever they had set out. This time, it was a carefully prepared bowl of your favorite fruits. Belinda held it in her hands as she studied how your garment began to slip from your shoulders.

"Princess, the doctor says you need to eat." 

"Unless he's feeding me by force, I won't do it."

Belinda sighed then nodded "Yes, Princess." she set the plate of fruit down at the foot of your bed before leaving.

Once the door shut, your eyes landed on the bowl. The faint sweet scent caused you to make  your way over to the bowl of little delicacies. Your fingers touched at the cold produce then wrapped around them, lifting it to your mouth. Was he eating? Tears filled your eyes and you pushed the bowl away.

June 2nd, 1905

Nanami ran his hand through his hair. He needed a haircut but that was the least of his worries. Maybe you'd like him with longer hair... His fingers rubbed at the nape of his neck. Eyes landing on the stack of letters he kept by his bedside, if you'd even call it that. He'd started to leave the letters out of the envelope for quicker access. Carefully tying the bundle after reading them each night. The favorites were at the top — although, they were all his favorite. He made sure to keep certain things hidden however. Like the locket you gave him with your picture before he departed.

Another little thing he'd done was tie twine around his ring finger, at your behest. In one of your letters, which he keeps at the top of the stack, you mention it being his temporary ring until you two get the real one. Silver. I want silver for us. Gold is overrated. Nanami recalled how you chuckled at his statement, when he confessed his personal preference one morning. 

"Should I have the frames re-done then?"

"Absolutely, the palace walls are hideous." 

He grinned, breaking character, then pulled you closer to him to kiss your forehead.

He could feel it against his lips now. His fingers absentmindedly reached for the locket he wore under his shirt, only to feel the impression over his heart. A sigh left his lungs as he replayed images of you in his mind. Had you picked a dress already? It'd been a year...

The entrance of his tent flung open, "General." the soldier stood at ease awaiting for his approval and recognition.

Nanami nodded, too tired for formalities "Yes?"

"I thought you should see this, sir. We received our batch of newspapers. It's late but... it's important." he handed him a faded newspaper with a headline that read "Mad Maiden" dated April 22nd, 1905. He rose to his feet when he read about you foresaking the podium and sobbing in a hallway.

"That is all."

"Sir..."

He glanced up at the man "That. Is all."

He saluted to his higher up then retreated. A whirlwind of emotions ran through him: concern, fear, disgust at whoever concocted this filth... but namely, longing. How much longer? Recent devlopments made it impossible to write to you. The locket fell from its typical spot as he exhaled.

"Have you come to feed me?" you chuckled at Dr. Percival who stood in your room. He'd been your doctor since you were a child so you weren't accustomed to the usual formalities.

"Yes." he answered plainly.

You glanced at him then scoffed.

"... If you don't eat, I'll need to take other measures and I don't want to do that."

"... you wouldn't."

He looked into your eyes then pressed his lips together. His hand reached for the plate of food Belinda left in your room minutes ago, "Just try."

You took the plate in your hands along with the fork and bite into it. After a few chews, you spoke again "Have dinner with me."

"Okay."

It was the first time in months, you'd come downstairs for dinner. The staff didn't set the table as usual, per your request; so, you sat side by side with Dr. Percival. Your shared chews filled every nook and cranny of the room. 

The doctor noticed how you wiggled in your seat. "Have you seen the leaves change?"

"From the balcony. Yes."

He studied you, "How often do you go to the balcony?"

You cut your eyes at him. He didn't move an inch.

"Why do you still wear it?"

Your fingers danced at the mention of the jewel that'd been residing there for a year.

"If you believe he's dead, why wear it still? He won't come back if he is."

Twelve hours was a new record. The longest you'd went without crying. Sleep didn't count because you didn't do that much. Tears welled in your eyes as you gazed at the diamond.

The doctor set down his fork as he looked at you. Your shoulders started to shake as you sobbed. He rose to his feet then embraced you. Everything you'd felt over the past year bubbled up and spilled over as you sobbed against him. Within seconds, your breath became bated and ragged. Your sobs were short, choked sounds "I c—" you clutched at your chest.

He glanced down at you "Princess?" his ears burned at the sound of you gasping for air. He called you by your name and clutched your shoulders "Look at me! Look at me!" his hands rested on your cheeks as he made you look into his face. Your eyes were filled with tears as you continued to gasp. 

"Belinda! Vincent!" they rushed to your side and followed his orders to calm you down. He held onto your hand as he made you lie on the ground. "I need you to breathe, look at me!"

That night was the first time you didn't sleep alone. The doctor along with Vincent and Belinda stood nearby as you lie in bed. Their frames looked like shadows or watchdogs. Something ancient guarding a secret. Except were they protecting you from the evils of the world? Or was it the other way around?

October 15th, 1905

Your court and staff had worked hard to get you where you were now. Your chambers were still a mess but you were eating three meals a day, sometimes reluctantly, and moving around a bit more. You didn't deem walks around the halls as exercise but Dr. Percival differed. 

"Maybe we can go out to the courtyar—"

"No."

He walked down the carpeted hallway with you "Very well."

Your eyes landed on the silver frames lining the wall. "Can I rest after this?"

"Yes, of course. Will you be going to the—"

You cut your eyes at him.

"Very well, then."

The sun peered through your curtains, despite them being drawn.Your hand slammed against the comforter at Mother Nature's reluctance to let you have your way. Your eyes followed the ray of sunshine, hand drifting up to catch the light and harness it somehow. The diamond twinkled under it and the corner of your lip twitched as you felt the tug on your heartstrings.

Mornings now typically started with the doctor talking you out of bed and doing a few stretches. Yet, this morning you simply said "Leave me... please." he obliged sensing your sadness. The mahogany doors shut with a soft thud, leaving you and the sun illuminating your room. Dust motes floated through and landed onto the pile of dresses stacked in the chair. Papers and notes about the war Nanami had been away fighting... or so you hoped. You stood to your feet then looked out the window.

A knock at the door interrupted your thoughts.

"I said leave me."

"There's someone here to see you." Belinda stated.

"I'm not taking visitors. You know—" you turned at the sound of the door opening. Suddenly, time had stopped. You stopped. Breathing, blinking, thinking... being. After a moment of silence, you shook your head.

"No... hm-hmph" tears quickly found their way to your eyes. "No." you shook your finger and stepped back until you hit your dresser. "How..." your breath hitched but your eyes never left him. His hair was longer... why didn't he cut it? The medals on his uniform were polished. Anyone on the street would see him as pristine but when you looked into his eyes. You felt the ache, the yearning, the tears he cried while he was away.

"I.. you.." you breath quickened as you tried not to cry.

"I know," he reached out to you and you found yourself recoiling. Nanami shrunk back, his hands idly resting by his side unsure of what to do. Hurt filled his hazel eyes as he gazed at you, tilting his head and furrowing his brows.

"Don't touch me."

He'd fought in combat, shot and been shot at but nothing could have prepared him for this.

"Guards!"

"Darling, I—"

"You're not real. You're a figment of my imagination because," you wiped the snot that was dripping from your nose "because I- I want you to be real and here, but—"

"I am. I'm right here!" he started to resist the guards that boxed him in.

"I saw you die! I dreamt about it every night!" you shouted in a broken voice then started to cry. Belinda caught onto the sound and rushed for the doctor.

Within moments, you fell to the floor, clutching at your chest. "Wh-what's happening?" Nanami attempted to run to your side but your guards pulled him back. He shoved then stepped forward only to be pulled back again. Luckily, Vincent, Dr. Percival and Belinda came running in. Vincent instructed the guards to ease up then Nanami stepped forward as you started to gasp for air.

"No, no, no," you shook your head as you proceeded to sob and heave. The guards moved forward to collect Nanami once again. Vincent watched while Belinda uttered a prayer. Dr. Percival shouted "Stop!" Nanami glanced back at him then watched as he approached you. Dr. Percival knelt down "He's real. I promise you," he leaned in until you could see his face "He. is. real."

Nanami watched you with a steady eye. Never moving or saying anything, just standing in wait for your permission. The locket thumped against his heart.

"Please... let him in. Hm?" 

Your sobs died down to quick breaths as your eyes focused on the carpet beneath your hands. Then there was the ring, staring back at you through your tears. You started up again and Nanami moved closer then knelt down and wrapped his arms around you. Your face pressed against his shoulders, chest against his, muscles tensing at the sudden movement. His scent invading your nostrils until he was all you could breathe in. Your breath hitched in your throat and tears filled your vision again. The room was silent in that moment. All of the staff filling the space of the room as they watched the long awaited reunion. Nanami oblivious to whomever was watching, softly uttering "I'm here now. I'm sorry I took so long." as he caressed your back.

You held your breath, only sufficing small inhales until you felt like you would burst. Your arms hovered over his back, wavering, shaking. The familiar scent of wood and citrus wrapping itself around you like the very hug he was giving you now made the silence impossible. You embraced him tightly with all the force you could muster. He chuckled through the tears he was shedding against your nightgown.

Vincent looked at the guards then nodded, signaling for them to leave. He trailed behind the doctor and Belinda, leaving you two alone. The room was a medley of shared sobs. When he pulled back, he smiled through his tears at the sight of his beautiful bride. Even with tears running down your cheeks and a runny nose, you were still beautiful. His hands rested on your cheeks and you instinctively put your hands over his. The corner of your lips twisted as you did so.

"What is it?" his thumb brushed the tears from your cheek.

"You... you're wearing it." you touched the twine around his finger.

"Of course I'm wearing it. You're my wife."

Tears filled your eyes once more and you sobbed, wrapping your hands around him. Kento held you close. He'd never been more grateful for such a moment as this. His lips placed a kiss at the top of your head.

"You're my wife," he repeated softly.

— Alternate Ending —

Later that afternoon, Nanami walked with you along the garden. He wanted to say so much but he didn't know where to start. His hands remained at his side as he put one foot in front of the other.

"I asked the kitchen to make your favorite tonight."

"Really?"

He nodded "I also asked that they make dessert. I hope that's okay."

"Of course it is." you chuckled at his humbleness.

"I apologize for making you worry. There was an incident and ... we couldn't communicate with anyone. It became too dangerous." he took your hand in his. You held it for a moment "You're here now." you pulled your hand back and offered him a small smile.

He leaned back slightly then followed your sight of line to the sunset. His lips opened then shut and he joined you in the silence instead.

The staff relished at the joy you seemed to radiate during dinner. Your laughter and voice was music to their ears. Joy was one of their favorite songs to hear in the halls and they truly owed it to his return. He was happy to see you in such high spirits, however they were dashed when it was time for bed. You shifted for a few moments as he lie next to you.

"It's... it's been a while."

His heart went dull at the reminder "... I know. Should I remain on my side?"

Your silence put him at further unease "I'll stay here. Don't worry."

You rested your head against the pillows.

"Darling?"

"Yes?" you glanced at him.

"Can we hold hands? Only for a moment."

Silence, then a nod. Nanami felt his heart race at the pure prospect of hand holding. He'd felt giddy. He was delighted. His hand slid into yours and he looked up at the ceiling. He brought it to his chest then you pulled back.

"I'm sorry...."

Hurt filled his eyes once again. "It's quite alright. I can sleep in the guest room."

"What?! No. You've just returned from battle. Stay. I'll go to the guest room." you kicked the covers off and he scoffed.

"Don't be ridiculous, the Princess should stay in her chambers. I'll leave." Nanami got out of bed then headed for the door.

"No."

He glanced back at you then shifted his stance to face you fully. "What do you suppose we do then? Since you won't even touch me. It seems you can't stand me now."

"I never said that!"

"You don't have to."

You leaned back at the verbal slap. "Nanami..."

"Just tell me what you want and I'll do it." he approached you "I swear, I'll do everything in my power to make it happen."

Your eyes started to fill with tears again as you gazed into his "I wish you never left."

He pressed his lips together slightly, still gazing into your eyes "I can't change what happened."

"... I know."

You broke your gaze for a second to wipe your face "They called me mad," you let out a half-hearted chuckle "The Mad Maiden."

"Don't say that. Whoever wrote that is a dimwit with nothing better to do."

".... so you've read about it?"

"... yes."

Silence until "I canceled my appointment with the wedding dress designer. We had a meeting scheduled a few months after you were supposed to return in the fall of 1904. When you stopped writing, I..." tears welled in your eyes and you shook your head then shrugged.

He reached out to you then drew back, remembering how you could barely hold his hand.

"... do you still love me?"

You turned to face him.

"Do you?"

"How dare you ask me that?" you shook your head and he stared right into your soul "I shed myself for months, withering away until I barely recognized myself. I waited nearly two years for you to return. I convinced myself that there would be no wedding, There'd be no honeymoon or kids skipping down the halls because you were gone. I dreamt about burying an empty box and I still kept this ring on my hand because I couldn't bear the thought of aching so terribly for anyone else." tears fell from your eyes "I ached... every single day."

His eye never left yours and they filled to the brim with tears at your words.

"Don't you ever ask me that again."

He continued to stare into your eyes then leaned forward and pressed his lips against yours. A surprised squeal left your lips, before those moans he missed took over. His hands found their way to your back and your head which he cradled. With each second you melted into him and against him, he moved closer.

"Can I—"

"Yes." you pulled him down toward you and he briefly smiled against your skin. His hands intertwined with yours but the feeling of twine gave you pause.

"What? What is it?"

"You... you're wearing it." you touched the twine around his finger.

"Of course I'm wearing it. You're my wife."

— Author's Note — I really enjoyed writing this one. Originally, I had a scene where the doctor actually resorts to opium to calm down the princess but that felt too hardcore.

[eri-pl]

Death and taxes

So I was thinking about Erestor son of Caranthir and Haleth (as you do), and I realized it can work (as long as you assume they were an item. But it san work mortality-wise)

I'm sorry for all the ocasions I said it can't canonically work at all. I oversimplified.

One way (more canon):

Yes, non-Earendilian half-elves got the Gift of Men, but do they have limited lifespans? I don't think we have a proof for that. All canon ones die tragically (from Feanorians). Maybe they do not die from old age, but when they die (killed or something), they do go brrr out of Ea? It is technically possible.

(Yes, Elros worked in a different way, but he is a different thing. He is not this weird unresolved Man/Elf mix. He is Earendilian, he got to chose. )

So if they look like elves (and canonically elves and humans look very much the same), Erestor can be one. He works more or less like an elf until someone kills him. (Or he dies on this thing that makes the Elves fade, which he will because he cannot sail.)

(also Gil-"and where he dwelleth none can say"-Galad… Hmm…)

The other way (crack):

Caranthir has a kid with Haleth. The kid grows quickly, but doesn't grow old as fast as Men do, so when Caranthir dies, his son is an adult, but not old.

Caranthir dies and lands in Mandos and his two brothers do too, and Dior disses Celegorm and then goes brr, and Caranthir is like "what do you mean half-elves do that??? But. My son."

And Namo is like "yes, they do it, untill the exception happens".

And Caranthir starts asking, and arguing, and why would some get an exception, but some not. And it's not poor Erestor's fault that his father is a kinslayer and it is unfair in general… and Caranthir is the best lawyer to ever lawyer + has all the motivation of a desparate father and all the insufferableness of a five-year-old arguing that he deserves more screen time.

And finally Namo is like "oh Eru please throw him into the Everlasting Darkness do something, I can't handle it any longer", and long story shory, Erestor gets to be an elf, but nobody is allowed to talk about that.

Caranthir is as good as being insufferable as Luthien is at singing.

[iwonderwh0]

Another fic idea that I'll never write:

Connor accidentally transfers from his body and temporarily exists as non-physical entity in Hank's devices

Starts with situation where there's something that requires Connor to be connected to computer via cable (like for example to manually delete some CyberLife junk that slows down the system and lost its purpose) and needs Hank's help to be there and do what it takes, because Connor needs to be in stand by for this to work, so he's just sitting/lying next to him completely limp with caple connected to the back of his neck.

At some point something goes wrong and Hank's computer goes into restart, and when it loads Hank notices that first this CL maintenance program loads in, then blank text document opens on his computer and in a matter of seconds text appears, first some unreadable wall of symbols, then normal text, something along the lines of

"Hank, are you there? I'm afraid my program is running on your computer. I'm trying to move but I'm not sure if it's going through. Am I moving right now?"

Then

"If you're there please write something, I can't hear you."

Hank will stare at the screen, then at motionless Connor next to him, when he look back at the screen there'll be another couple of messages asking him to write something and from the way they're written and the speed at which new text appears it'll look like an escalating panic – from just asking Hank to write something it'll turn into begging to at least interact somehow with the computer, at some point within merely a second they'll start to appear too quickly to read. Hank'll grab keyboard and as fast as he can write something, maybe first just gibberish to write something asap, then delete it and write

"Connor?"

New wave of about a ten new lines of text will appear, most of which just repetition of the general message of "yes, I'm here"

"Can you hear me?" Hank will ask at loud, then type it after not getting any response

Another wave of lines of text with general message being "No, I can't hear you. I can't see you. I can't move." and "please don't leave me", desparation slipping through the lines

Hank will ask if he can do something to fix it

"I don't know" will appear on one line after another in some slight variations, then

"Can you connect some mic and headphones? I can't find any available."

Hank will look around the room, then type "wait, I'll go grab some" to which another wave of desperate "Please don't leave" appear in response, then "when will you get back?"

Unsure if he should go search for headphones at all Hank will type

"3 min"

Then search for headphones

"Connor?" He'll call again, hearing some noise his headphones "Hey, hey, can you hear me now?"

"Yes. I can hear you, but I can't move. I don't- I don't feel like I have any body at all"

"So you're in my computer... How did that-"

"Am I still connected?"

Hank moves to check that Connor has cable securely connected to the port on the back of his neck, and on the other side it's just as properly inserted into according port on the computer. He carefully moves Connor to confirm that one more time.

"Did you feel that?" Hank asks

"Feel what?"

After initial panic when both of them get slightly calmer they'll come to realisation that in order to allow the kind of changes they were about to make android's mind is basically temporarily transferred into another device, in their cases Hank's computer, but due to some mistake in process, computer went into a restart, so no transfer back occured + some component burned down making transfer back temporarily impossible (unless it's replaced). Or idk how it works, it's actually against my headcanons, but fuck it. The point is that this will take time to replace it, because it has to be ordered as something custom that can't be found as it is available the same day.

Without the need to move actual physical body (that occupies most of the resources) actual "mind" is not so big so it can even run on a phone, which is exactly what happens next. (Don't attack me, it's a silly little story idea, so let me have fun)

So for a couple of days or up to a week Connor exists within this non-physical predicament, learning ways to interact with other devices (like connecting to cameras that are within same network just to see something, although it's hard to understand the depth (regular cameras are sure different than the ones used for android's eyes)), surfing the web, etc. Basically like in the movie "Her"(2013) but as a temporary measure.

During this time Hank adopts a habit of wearing a headphones (or just one) at practically all times just to keep Connor a company while he's like that, because (at least at first) he's freaking out and is really opposed to the thought of being left alone even for a short time, because without a body and barely any inputs from the real world (compared to usual amount and quality) the experience is way too similar to non-existence and shit is understandably freaky. It seems like constantly having such a company, basically enduring someone else's presense at almost all times can rapidly become annoying and unbearable, but somehow it quickly becomes a second nature instead. In a way it's even nice. Consequently they talk more than ever, often ending up discussing something minor or ridiculous, something they'd never talked about otherwise, just because they're basically getting used to thinking out loud with a company.

Story ends with Hank finally replacing the component that got broken with a new one, allowing Connor to finally transfer back. The image of his body moving for the first time after being completely still for a relatively long period of time seems to me weirdly adorable. Being able to finally move and feel again must be similar to the feeling of wearing the right type of glasses for the first time after living with way too weak ones without realising how fucking blind you actually are. But yeah, it must be about 10 times better than that.

The first thing after finally being able to feel physically present like an actually existing person? A hug. Of course.

[egg-emperor]

If I was in Frontiers I would've found Eggman in Cyber Space and things would get wild whenever Sage leaves

I'd immediately jump into his Egg Mobile in his lap and tell him how I missed him and he'd tell me what he's been up to. I'd listen attentively while cuddling up to his warm soft round body because I missed him and when he talks with that lower tone in the Egg Memos, right into my ear with his hot breath on my neck makes me shiver hfjdgkngkshg

He notices my hand that's placed on his belly seems to slip a little lower briefly now and then but doesn't think much of it and continues. I say "Wow you're so smart and courageous and determined! You've been busy for being trapped in a strange unknown place but I knew you'd be skilled enough to start to figure things out so quickly 🥰"

And he says "Yes indeed, it's all I've had to do. Keeps me occupied while Sage goes out and does the parts I can't when I'm stuck here, ugh." But now that I'm here he has more options and certainly won't have to worry about boredom now, when I decide we should take advantage of how we're stuck here and most often alone whenever Sage is gone

So I start by saying "Oh but haven't you been feeling a little lonely?" He shrugs "Not really. Of course I enjoy getting the attention I deserve but I enjoy my own company too, alone with my genius mind." But then I start feeling him up much more boldly "No silly I know, that's not what I meant." A smile grows on his face "Oh you mean that way"

I'm touching him and he's stiff as a board revealing he's super pent up but I don't immediately give him the attention he expects. I tease him just because I want to get him worked him up even more to get him desparate and eager that he'll finally snap "Grrr give it to me NOW you little pest" and grab me me roughly and forcefully like I like it 🥴

Hopefully I won't distract him too much but perhaps it'll actually end up helping him relax and clear his mind so he can better work on figuring everything out hehe 💜

[everlastingdream]

Murderer

BAM-BAM-BAM

"Open the door!" Annabel hears her father's yelling, while she's panting beside piano.

She turns around to see shaking door and Leo franticaly barricading it. Her fiance (even if it's not exactly like that anymore) trembles slightly from fear, adrenaline and effort, her gun rattles at her side.

"We need to move fast" Leo- Lenore tells her, marching past Annabel to check the windows. "Perhaps we'll be able to-"

"Please, pet, we both know my father alerted the whole mansion. We won't be able to run. And even if we were, then what are you planning to do?"

She sees Lenore's back stiffen, finely shaking hand grips her wounded hip. Lenore slowly turns around.

"I got the plan B in that case."

Annabel watches her taking revolver from its holster. Lenore opens cylinder to show wide-eyed Annabel two bullets.

"We may not said our vows but I promised in my heart long time ago to love you to the moment I die and beyond" Lenore puts the cylinder back in and steps forward. Her eyes taking the shine of madness. "Let's leave this world to the one where we are free to love."

Annabel follow her actions with incredulous eyes and finally smirks.

"Very funny, pet. Why should we both die?" She steps from piano, joltting the sheet music. Papers are flying on the floor. "We'll just say that I didn't know anything" pounding on the door becomes more frantic "Then I'll find the way for you not to be executed. Then we'll both live."

"What the hell, Annabel?" Lenore screams, waving the gun around. "Do you hear yourself!? What is your idea of living after that!?"

"We both knew that farce is not endless. Yes, I will need to marry some guy, you will be sent to asylum... But! I will ensure that it's a nice one and I'll be able to visit you sometimes." Annabel turns back to piano, fully immersed in the plan. Yes, the life will be hard, but it's deffinetly the most perfect outcome! "And after many years I think I would be able to get you out of there. Perhaps under pretence of teaching my kids to-"

When Annabel facing Lenore again, the blue eyes are dark and empty. Her hands are dropped without any strength. Lenore's face is filled with so much agony, that it's not even betrayal. Like she knew why Annabel was saying all of that but the mere thought pained her so much she wasn't able to move.

"So all of this is just some game to you" she murmurs and before Annabel has the chance to react, Lenore turns to the door, stiff. "Listen! I just wanted to love! And now, that Annabel Lee know I'm a woman, she hates me. Have it your way!"

Annabel takes confused step forward, mouth open to say something she will never remember.

And Lenore faces her again, gun to the head, with mad smirk that Annabel liked once.

"I love you, Annie. Please, at least cry about me a little. Even if it's a lie".

And then she shoots.

Annabel is not able to think, to move, to breathe. Lenore's body drops to the accomponiment of her father desparate screams. In Annabel's world everything deadly quite.

Please, she hadn't loved Lenore enough to go down with her, but it hasn't meant, she wanted her dead.

She hadn't loved Lenore enough. Hadn't loved. Hadn't...

Annabel looks away with force, tears her eyes from the pool of blood. And sees the sheet music that fell earlier. Lenore said she had surprise.

On the paper blood stains the title: "Annabel Lee".

And suddenly her heart is torn out of her chest. Annabel throws herself forward by the sheer will. She gathers Lenore's head to her chest, watching her blood blooming on her dress like a heart.

Annabel laughs mirthlessly. She doesn't have a heart. Lenore was her heart. And Annabel decieved even herself about her feelings.

She hadn't allowed herself to love Lenore fully, to open to her as fully as she had.

Annabel takes the gun with one remaining bullet to her chest, right upon Lenore's blood.

If there is somewhere after death, I wish we could be together again. I'll do anything for you, destroy everything in your way, sacrifice everyone and myself. And I will love you as you deserve to be loved.

When Deans tell her that she was killed by the person who loved her above all else, she almost giggles. Because of course she was.

The moment life faded from Lenore's eyes, Annabel Lee ceased to exist.

[ainnur]

Not my normal vibe but Mermaid OC challege by @monkiart with my oc Ayu and @yingjiaoyue ' s oc Syaoron. Call them "ToxicRose". Ayu is siren in this and Syaoron still a seafood chef.

Yeah I suck at drawing scales and bg 😔

Anyway their story for this AU

ToxicRose [Siren AU]

In this AU Ayu is a siren from Mermaid Island [Yes that place exist at my country lol] . Mermaid and siren is both rival with same bad trait. Set in dark fantasy setting they both not safe in a hand of humans. Not only them but other magical sea creatures will be hunt by human to serve as meal.

Ayu was caught by human and brought to Syaoron's restaurant. At first Ayu tried to used her siren power to control Syaoron but that didn't work. She was place big aquariam before her time to be cook. But to her suprise that time didn't come. She heard she was supposed to be main dish for very big night. But that night something bad happend. Ayu doesn't really know what happend.

She can hear the chaos but never really understand what happend since she was locked anyway. The aquariam wasn't a normal one. It's was thick and coated with strong magic. Though it doesn't harm Ayu, it still trap her.

Ayu just swim around in aquariam waiting for her time. She heard that the night she was supposed to be cook was sabotage by someone. That person tried to ruin Syaoron's restaurant status by making it look bad. Somehow they manage to free a lot rats and cockroachs in one time and cause the flood in building. But somehow Syaoron got everything under control. The 'big' persons Syaoron have to serve wasn't please with what happend.

Somehow Ayu feel bad and impressed with Syaoron for that. With all the things that happend it's kinda leave bad taste in people mouth. Business have been slow Ayu would say. She heared the news by Syaoron workers when they talk to each other that the person cause the chaos other night was a weird looking man and a black monkey.......? Police still investigating about that.

--------------------------------------------------

"Tertekan nampak" Ayu said to Syaoron as he give Ayu her meal of the day. Ayu got feed 3 times a day which wasn't bad. "Huh" Syaoron look distracted. "I said you look kinda stress" Ayu just chewing her fish. Syaoron looked Ayu with blank stare. This kinda their routine everyday for now. Syaoron came and give Ayu her food and Ayu tried to talk with Syaoron. Could say she was bored. She have nothing to do anyway. All she did was swim around a watch every worker and Syaoron through the aquariam glass.

"It's none of your business" Syaoron said could not bother with Ayu. "I can help you" Ayu said quickly. Syaoron just looked Ayu with questioning look. " I know...that business kinda slow lately...." It's worst actually maybe Syaoron restaurant have to be close because of the bad repotation they're having and all the worker start to wanting to quit . "You know I'm a siren right?...I can help you by using my power". Ayu bit hesitate to ask but she did it anyway. Syaoron wasn't stupid. Of course he know about how siren power work.

Syaoron looked away for a minute before looking back at Ayu. "What are you offering?". Syaoron asked fast with serious face. This time like this he is desperate. Ayu was cought off by that. She really wasn't expecting Syaoron consider he offer. "I'll help you got your customers back and in return you make people stop hunting creature at Mermaid Island. Just Mermaid Island, I don't care if want to hunt at other place." "And how are you gonna do that when you in here?" Syaoron asked. "I have a human disguise. Well... supposed to have . I just never try. But do we have a deal?" Ayu asked with awkward smile while give her hand to Syaoron. "Deal" Syaoron shake Ayu hand. Damn he really is desparate.

Finally Ayu is free..... with cost.

--------------------------------------------------

Sorry this story kind boring. Can't think of any other idea for this au so this will do .

[books-and-strawberry-tea]

An Education in Malice: Review

★★⋆☆☆☆ 2.5/5

This book was like a road with speedbumps. It stayed steady for a while, then an event would happen, and finally! The story was taking off!…only to find that no…it was back to the steady road. I just finished this book, 20 minutes ago as of writing this. And I feel like I'm left wanting more, and not in a good way. I felt like this book missed the mark in so many ways. Spoilers and explanation under the cut off:

Warning: this book is 18+, has graphic sex scenes and horror/gore.

The book follows Laura and Carmilla in a dual POV. They both have travelled to attend Saint Perpetua's Academy to study poetry under Ms (Evelyn) De Lafontaine, a professor well known for her skills in poetry. The book goes on to explore the rather fround upon relationship between Carmilla and Ms De Lafontaine. De Lafontain takes Carmilla under her wing after Carmilla tracks her down and demands to be her pupil, and not daring to take no for an answer. By the time Laura comes along, Carmilla is in her senior year and has a well established and secretive relationship with De Lafontaine. Laura stumbles upon this one day after spying on Carmilla and De Lafontaine after being reprimanded for being late to class. THrough a crack in the door, she watches as De Lafontaine and Carmilla argue, before gently De Lafontaine hold Carmilla and drinks from her neck. Yup, De Lafontaine is a Vampire. With time, Laura comes to accept that Vampires are real, Carmilla and Laura have a blossoming romance, and De Lafontaine's jealousy grows to new hights.

A trio of possessive woman, a Vampire with dark secrets, and a sapphic romance. What could possibly go wrong?

Unfortunatly, the way the big events in the book just miss the mark. They arn't as impactful as they should be. Chapter 15 got really exciting. From Chapter 15 to Chapter 17, is where the first major events take place. De Lafontaine takes the girls into the bowls of the school, underground and into a crypt. Turns out, De Lafontaine has been searching for her lover and sire for 40 plus years, and she has finally found her. She is sleeping in a tomb, and to wake her, Isis must drink of human blood. De Lafontaine asked of Carmilla to help her revive Isis. And because of Carmilla's devotion and admiration, she obeys. Letting De Lafontaine slice her palm and poor her blood into Isis' mouth. The whole situation goes south when Isis awakes and attacks Carmilla. Ripping out her jugular and leaving her to bleed out on the floor. De Lafontaine is frantic and in a moment of desparation, feeds Carmilla her blood…starting her transition to the dark life of a vampire. She awakes and as most vampires when they turn, she ravenous. With much reluctance, Laura is convinced to let Carmilla feed from her. And this is where I have the first problem with this book. Before hand, although Carmilla and Laura have a budding romance, they are still rivals. Fighting for their teachers affection. Being snippy and rude to eachother. Well…mainly it's Carmilla to be honest. Nevertheless, they still are not what you'd call sweethearts. But once Carmilla turns, she is suddenly sweet on Laura, being possesive, and wanting to be next to her 24/7. And yes I understand it's probably because Laura is now her source of food. But this is not explained, it's not acknowledged. It just sort of…is. It feels rather jarring to be the reader.

Further in the book, now that Isis is awake, students in the school are winding up dead. The bodies brutalised and left around to be found. This of course puts the school into a frenzy. Laura and Carmilla are obviously concerned and start to piece together why. Isis is around and shes hungry. De Lafontaine tries to ease the girls minds by telling them she'll fix the situation. Except who knows what she does. If De Lafontaine does anything at all, you wouldnt know it. As this part of the story is not only kept from the characters, but also from the reader. You have no clue what is happening behind the scenes. This does not fill the story with mystery, it just leaves you without a reason to care about later events in the book. There is nothing written to get the reader emotinally invested in the story of De Lafontaine and her lover. So when suddenly, De Lafontaine tricks and kills Isis in the last few chapters, you don't 100% care about the sacrifice and loss De Lafontaine is going through. Yes, you find out Isis want to have Carmilla, and De Lafontaine is protecting her. But at this point in the book, it's already at the end of the story. The reader does not have a chance to connect with De Lafontaine on an emotional level. To the reader, she still remains a strict and standoffish professor that has an obsession with Carmilla. You don't see Isis with De Lafontaine in a way that makes you see the struggle that De Lafontaine is experiencing. You don't see her heart breaking for the lost love that she had with Isis. It's all hidden away. How is the reader meant to care about Isis dying, and De LaFontaine's sacrifice?

After Carmilla turns and Laura is established as her lover, there is a rather graphic sex scene. That normally I wouldn't care about. But honestly I don't even feel like the sex scene deserves an explanation. It's just straight up bad. Not because I don't like sex scenes. But because of how forced it felt. Carmilla, previously stating that she wants to have a proper chance at being with Laura, just ups herself over to a vampire at a party and starts low key having a 3some with a male vampire and another human woman. Laura, of course, is not happy about the situation. And marches over there, but is suddenly okay with it if she is telling Carmilla to kiss this guy? She's suddenly okay with public sex even though earlier in the book it explains shes a virgin and has kept her secret passions (old lesbian porn) away from most people? She suddenly okay with her lover proceeding like this as long as she's telling her what to do? Before too long the male vamp and the woman leave to another room, leaving Carmilla and Laura to have sex…IN FRONT OF DE LAFONTAINE! You know, the Vampire that is not only their teacher, but the one who is also extremely possessive over Carmilla? And she just walks off the play cards? Rarely ever mentioning that she didn't like what she saw? The whole scene just felt off, forced, and out of character.

I feel dissatisfied with this book. I was intrigued and unfortunately became victim of poor story telling. I was also disappointed by Carmilla's Bi representation. I don't normally care about representation personally. When I read a book, I want to read about other people rather then seeing myself in something. But as someone who is bisexual, Carmilla's sex scene really annoyed me. Saying she wants to be with Laura, and then jumping off to the male vampire without even a second thought? It just felt very typical of the whole 'bisexuals aren't faithful to their partners' garbage. It was just another example that left me feeling uncomfortable.

It's unfortunate, becasue some of the quotes I really liked. Here is some of the quotes:

'Nature, with all her airs and graces, attends on her favourites, painting cheeks with a rosy bloom, filling lungs with the sweet breath of life. Youth, in all her splendour, gleams on the skin of girls who process, heedless of death, towards beauty's consummation.' Poem Carmilla Recited

Love turns some people into birds or beggers, but you make me into an architecture. Into a sancturary of soft holy spaces shaped to catch the sound of your voice. These eyes: rose windows bathing you in light. These arms: alcoves open in shadow embrace. This heart: a confessinal dark enough for your sins. This mouth: a bell driving away demons and calling you home. Poem Laura Recited

'Love and pain grew in a thorny grove inside me, impossible to disentangle from one another.'

'But this girl, this Carmilla...she undid all my domestication. One smile from her and I wanted to loose my hair and chase her barefoot through the woods, I wanted to knock her to the ground and pin her like a butterfly, I wanted to dig my teeth into her plush lower lip, I wanted, I wanted.'

"Please, will you slow down?" I asked. "I'm not trying to make fun of you. I'm just..." Dangerously preoccupied with you. Bereft of any sense of pride that might keep me away from you. "Concerned."

"We were happy for a time. But love rots and spoils, it disintegrates with time like a rose in a vase, and soon there was nothing between us but animosity and arguments and the resentfulness of having to rely on each other."

"Well, what a miserable little band we all are. Bound by blood and secrecy, with no recourse to anyone but each other. It would almost be romantic, under more advantageous circumstances."

A sensible girl would leave. A good girl most certainly would. But I was tired of being sensible, and I was tired of being good. I couldn't walk away from what I was being offered: the chance to live an exceptional life.

She kissed me with a martyr's agonized desperation, like I was the only sword she ever wanted to fall on. I kissed her right back like the cutting edge of a blade, trying to inflict as much damage as possible. I wanted her to be able to think of nothing but this kiss when she was alone in her bed at night. I wanted her to feel just how much I reviled and desired her, to what maddening brink she drove me. I wanted her to want me so badly it hurt.

"You'll understand, in time. The way we suffer. The way the undying life tears everything good and beautiful from us, Sequestering us to a solitary existence of a thousand sleepless nights."

I felt certain that I could perish like this, suffocated by her thighs, and die perfectly happy.

[mizutenshii]

— 𝑲𝑨𝑵𝑬𝑲𝑰 𝑴𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻

yes i made a separate m.list for him <3 warning and genre are regarded in each work's respective post. show my boy some love !!

DAISIES.

summary ; he looks so cute with a flower crown atop his head, how can he be a monster?

I'M IN LOVE WITH A KILLER.

summary ; you knew he had to kill and eat humans in order to survive, but seeing the actual traces of the act hits different.

KISS MY BLOODIED LIPS.

summary ; you never expected to kiss one of the hated humanoid monsters, yet here you were. or: first kiss with him.

I GAVE A 2ND CHANCE TO CUPID.

summary ; your previous relationship was toxic and traumatizing, and you swore to never get involved with romance ever again. that is, until you meet a boy with a secret too big to carry on his own.

HOLD ME.

summary ; small spoon kaneki just wants to feel safe and comforted in your arms.

STARVATION.

summary ; kaneki despises eating humans and rather starves himself to death, until you plead him to stay alive.

CAFFEINE RUSH.

summary ; caffeine might not affect him, but it's a whole different story for you. or: kaneki with a very energetic reader.

PAINT IT BLACK.

summary ; it had come to your attention that kaneki started to wear black nailpolish, so you insist on doing his nails. yes i know his nails aren't black because of nailpolish but let's pretend for the sake of my fluffy brainrot.

RESURRECT THE SUN.

summary ; his life was shrouded in misery, but your way of loving him shines a little light on his forever darkness.

HEAVEN AND BACK. (NSFW)

summary ; his life was hell so you bring him heaven.

SLOW DOWN. (NSFW)

summary ; the half-ghoul had no idea you loved his sleeveless black turtleneck that much, but he surely loves seeing this desparate side of you.

— 𝑹𝑬𝑻𝑼𝑹𝑵 𝑻𝑶 𝑴𝑨𝑰𝑵 𝑴𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻

[s-dei]

First let me say, I LOVE your art.

I wondered, I’m not sure if you have a separate head cannon where Illidan didn’t sacrifice himself. But if he does/had how did poor Khadgar take it?

Sorry for the angst! 😭😭😩

hiiiiiiiii and TYSM!!! I'm really happy you love it 🌟

My main story for illigar is "written in canon" - while there is additional interactions+relationships between characters and little events, the major events are same with canon. And yes, Illidan leaves.

Angst area

It of course adds drama to the story. When Khadgar was deciding if he should date Illidan or not, he had an understanding that being an immortal creature with Legion fix, Illidan isn't going to be a family person, and even if they win the war, he is likely to take Illidari and fight the demon leftovers somewhere in the space instead from staying at Azeroth.

He expected Illidan to always put Legion before anything else, but... suddenly Illidan happened to be pretty involved into their relationship, and he was so happy with it he even forgot about his concerns. Well, he shoudn't.

It was ingame line where Illidan said "When I saw Argus, I already knew I won't come back" (or something), and in my version it happens kinda the same. He didn't told it right away to Khadgar, he didn't wanted to hurt him especially as the last haven't felt well for some time they reached Argus. But sometimes they had conversations, with Khadgar saying "when the war is over, then we will [do something]", and Illidan tried to keep his face, but Khadgar noticed him becoming grumpy, but wasn't sure about the reason and if he should ask.

Illidan isn't leaving suddenly, he eventually told Khadgar about this (not at a final battle coming, but more early). It isn't about "I always only cared about demons and them suffering", but "I have to make sure not even a single demon is going to invade Azeroth again and make you deal with it". And other pathos stuff. That's Illidan. And honestly I didn't came up with a certain scene. Khadgar feels dejected for sure. But I had a scene in my mind, when he said "Well, allright? I was kinda prepared for this. I undersdand your reasons, and I know Illidan Stormrage was fated to make it". And he doesn't say it sarcastic or to show his pain - he is really trying to sound supportive and really understands, even if it hurts his mortal human being so fkin much. It results in breaking Illidan, actually, who expected Khadgar to go desparate, or mad, but def NOT THIS. He is the one who leaves the room in tears (ngl - I just really wanted to make him pathetic. Don't take it as carved in stone). In any case they both confess that they want to spend as much time together as possible before the final battle and any outcome it will have.

^ I think I should point out, that at this moment they were talking about Illidan just staying on Argus or somewhere in space. They didn't knew they will seal Sargeras. Yep it meant the inter-world portal closed anyway, but hey, there is still an option Illidan will come for holidays, right? So while Khadgar didn't felt really well about all of this, he tried to focus on business and their current time together.

The Sargeras decision have been made at the last moment and I don't know if Khadgar was present in this scene (when Illy speaks to Velen), or if he got to know only about the result. Decide yourself depending on the drama amounts you want. I prefer some last goodbyes and kisses :)

The fact the Titans appeared to help them gave him a lil hope, that without their leader the Legion will be a lesser danger, and maybe Illidan will come back sooner, but... you have what you have. Khadgar kept his face on their way home, but once Vindicaar landed, without Illidan, he was broken completely. (Sargeras' sword helped this too).

(I don't want to go hella detailed about it, as I have some artistic plans here)

I can see it being the main reason for him to left for BFA events. Yep, he is tired of war, and while he wanted to help his world, he was really devastated that this world Illidan sacrificed himself for happened to be so ignorant. He said: fuck you all, and that's why he left :д

You don't need to apologize for bringing angst: honestly, after so many years in fandom spaces I got kinda tired of those "perfect ships who have their stuff alright". I decided to keep the drama and I don't regret it. I was literally in tears over those moments while thinking of them, and I think it's cool - to be emotional over something.

Nicey area

But well! If you wonder if I had some good options - I do! They're mostly little fanservice things, but I still did them to cheer myself. One of them is after the war Illidan and Khadgar married and gone to honeymoon and dgaf about all those problems. The other is Illidan do pays visits at holidays (well damn, he's in a place of some serious magic, you think he can't make a portal or something? Or they have some chatting device so they can speak anytime they want.

I even had an option for Illidan thinking "alright, I'm going to watch Sargeras" and the other Titans saying: are you fkin dumb, go home immediately and be happy with your fiance (not literally, but they meant it 😂)

Anyway, thanks for asking!!!

[aster-petrichor]

Bridgerton S3 - brainrot rant

EVERYTHING

IT WAS EVERYTHING

SO YEAH

I'm struggling to find words so lets just get right into it. Ep5 itself was wow. and did they have to end every episode on basically a cliffhanger (i loved the tension, delicious).

It was. steamy. that scene with the yk mirror and the sofa and they talking and giggling.

'The firmness of your lips parted just so.. and then there are other parts I've been.. dreaming about' - Colin Bridgeron (a total fucking simp)

and then the cut to Anthony and Kate to Franchesca totally infodumping on this dude in the cutest fucking way <3<3<3

not to mention Benerdicts whole entire arc of s1 bicoded to s2 cishet to s3 bi-poly vibes in a very slay girlypop way and I genuinly think the show in this season has managed to do queer representation correctly and I'm just so happy about that.

Also I'm all over the place rn cuz I just finished watching but like for people who know book stuff. I was NOT expecting that for Francesca WOW YES (did anyone else notice the mirroring between that meeting and the one her mother had with her father?).

Also in the final ball the way Pen's dress looks green and then looks blue when she gets on the stage is !!!!! so yes wow pretty yes.

Did anyone else notice the way Violet fixated on the guys mouth when he was eating. The Bridgerton's really do all be like that. I appreciate the attention to detail from the showmakers there wow.

On the note of Francesca's upcoming arc. I somehow expected El and Ben to be it. But there are NO complaints from my end about this development.

more colin quote: "If my only purpose in life is to love a woman as great as you. Then I will be a very lucky man indeed."

Also Pen and her mother and that entire dynamic was a Moment and a half and I could try and write essays on it when I'm more awake.

Yk what lets talk Cressida. And her evil to good to sad evil arc she had going on. Because wow she has me feeling so many emotions both for and against her. Did they really end her arc the way they did were her being shipped off with evil aunt because I really was hoping she would either get away or marry debling (who seems to have vansihed) and that really sad. Like the blackmail was so wrong of her and I do think Pen may have just helped her if she had asked in a nice person way but she was desparate and alone and young and like she knew her actions were bad, but she was trying to save herself from worse and that sucks. She is giving August from YR but less intense and more tragic. I do wish she had a better outcome but also penance? Idk unsatifying end.

Tilly. Wow. She is kinda awesome and like. yeah. slay.

Danbury as always just ate. She walked in and slayed the floor down. I did like that little reference to the spin off Queen Charlotte they did there with the scene with Violet refering to the paper crowns and friendship. That felt like cracking a knuckle.

I think I'll go and reblog other s3 posts now and lose my mind elsewhere. Farewell and happy watching!!