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scarfacemarston · 2 years ago

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Prostheses in Media - Historical standpoint

So I let the request I received about misconceptions in media for a few weeks because I wanted to answer the question adequately. My ultimate goal is to write information respectfully and ethically. I am nervous posting this and I hope I do it justice. However, I will listen to the community, especially about modern-day prostheses. I defer to them. This took days to complete. Please like and reblog if you liked it. It’s the only feedback I get and encourages writers like me to continue.

Some of the information is a little graphic, but I tried to stay away from that as much as possible. Spoilers for Agent Carter, Game of Thrones, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and Boardwalk Empire. I’m so sorry for the wonky photo sizes, but tumblr keeps fighting my edits. Historically, people/shows underestimate how wildly different prosthetics can be. Some can be very cumbersome, but some are quite advanced in comparison to other fields of medicine at their time. The first plastic limbs were designed around the 1940s and, in some countries, far later than the 40′s leading some people to use wooden prostheses. It depended on economic status and the resources medical professionals could access. However, we also have evidence of very advanced Egyptian prosthetics and Medieval metal prosthetics, so I think some of these prosthetics were cumbersome but still relatively advanced. I'm not sure if Tumblr will flag me if I post the picture, but it's in the link.

As far as historical characters, that's difficult to analyze because I feel prostheses are featured more prominently in fantasy or sci-fi worlds where you can't measure that to real-life standards. I am sure some old movies and books demonstrate these issues I am unaware of. Fictionally, I felt Agent Carter did a great job depicting disability. Daniel Sousa has a prosthetic and walks with a crutch. The other agents at the SSR agency completely underestimate him, exclude him, make extremely ableist comments, and sometimes even get physical, such as pushing/crowding him out of the way. Sousa has some amazing comments about this in the early episodes of season 1, where he talks about how everyone cheers the soldiers returning home for a few days and then essentially ignores those who did not return the "same" way, whether that is physically like Sousa or mentally struggling like Jack Thompson.

One quote: "They weren't clapping for me. They were clapping for this and this. Clapping because I make them feel guilty, and they want to feel good. You think because I'm wearing a suit and I got a clean shave, we're different? We're not. We're both people nobody cares about.” Sousa is below Yes, I suck at sizing pictures. I’ll edit it once I can fix my resizing. :/ Don’t worry, you’ve read the longest part. The rest is pics with tidbits.

Picture above from 1947 of WWII vets looking at various prostheses. From the “Every Body” Smithsonian exhibit. Very cool site!

I think people don't know that there are actually tons of different types of prosthetics. I have read of early breast reconstruction surgery, but academically, there are a lot of arguments about whether rebuilding breast tissue is a prosthetic or plastic surgery. Plastic surgery has an early connection with prosthetics. For example, right around World War I, facial prosthetics were considered a massive breakthrough. It literally transformed people's lives. I don't know how much I can say without Tumblr flagging me because it is so incredibly graphic.

WWI was especially brutal because many new technologies were invented, allowing for more powerful weapons, tanks, and chemical agents like mustard gas. Think about what these weapons can do if it strikes someone's face.

The doctor who created much of the practices was Sir Harold Gillies, but American artist Anna Coleman Ladd played a prominent role in the creation of many of these pieces; some are actually rather beautiful in a macabre way. However, every single country had talented individuals that made key contributions. If you look up pictures before, during, and after the surgery, they are extremely graphic, so be warned. However these transformations are amazing, but the pure emotional pain, the physical horrors of war, and the transformation to something resembling "normalcy" is difficult to watch, but these people’s histories shouldn’t be forgotten.

Boardwalk Empire also depicted facial prosthetics' role through Richard Harrow's character, whose picture is above. The show features a WWI veteran with a facial prosthesis similar to the one I described. I've heard praise for it, but I realize that isn't a historical fact. I've heard of other period dramas having characters with a prosthesis, but I haven't watched them.

Since limbs are the most common prostheses -

Anakin and Luke Skywalker's prosthetics are entirely scientific-fantasy realm, as well as Jaime Lannister's from Game of Thrones. However, a German knight named Götz von Berlichingen had a relatively advanced arm. There is a picture below of Gotz's prosthetic.

Jaime Lannister’s prosthetic above:

I think another one of the most famous examples is Bucky Barnes. People generally know that his arm is highly unrealistic, so I’m not entirely sure how helpful I can be here. I can mention WWII prosthetics a bit though. Here are two links: 1. These are people who have prosthetics and / or work with prosthetics in a medical setting.

2. The Science of Marvel by Sebastian Alvarado has several bits about Bucky’s arm and its connection with the rest of his body.Falcon and the Winter Soldier explored this a bit and because of a chain of events, Bucky discovered a fail safe in his arm was placed by those who helped rebuild his arm. A lot of people are heavily debating whether this is an example of discrimination/ abelism or not. 3. Here is a video of some prosthetic experts and users looking at Bucky’s arm.

This picture is from the 1940s. This type of arm is still used today. Sometimes it’s function-based, but historically, sometimes, the type of prosthetic was based on your socio-economic status.

World War I prosthetics seem to appear more closely to an arm, but WWII prostheses seem to focus more on functionality. I post a pic here for the comparison. (PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME HERE. This is something that’s confused me for ages because the academic books and journals I’ve read contradict each other.) The picture below appears to be the type of arm Bucky would have had more likely than the picture that I show earlier. Ironically, despite the “better tech”, WWII veterans staged a protest over the quality of veteran health care, especially those with prostheses. Makes me wonder what Sousa and Bucky would have done. Would they have participated?

The fetishization of prostheses can also be a huge problem. There is fan fiction on which people in the prosthetic community have a wide berth of opinions. Since I don't have a prosthetic myself, I don't feel like it would be right of me to speak up on the subject except to say that there is zero denying that fetishization occurs. Finally, many people need to remember that not just soldiers/ veterans and action heroes have prosthetics. Some people are born with differently formed limbs. Another thing is not everyone feels shame over their body. I posted examples below of people who have different opinions. Regardless, the media could better reflect diverse stories. Disability research can be tricky as a lot relies on medical records, which can be tricky to get . The most crucial thing for historians is ethics and following protocols so finding records require more effort. There are also diaries, letters, and memoirs, but that can also be difficult to come across, meaning we don't have as many narratives from the people with the prosthetic themselves. However, there are new letters found and memoirs written all the time.

Finally to learn more:

I would recommend A Disability History of the United States (REVISIONING HISTORY) by Kim E. Nielsen, which you can find in libraries and other sources that have PDFs.....It’s a little more accessible, but another wonderful book is

Paying with Their Bodies: American War and the Problem of the Disabled Veteran by John M Kinder. It’s a more graphic read and more academic in tone, but I still recommend it.

Links:

Here’s a good mini-documentary about some of the latest advancements in prosthetics.

Here’s an article about the future of prosthetics.

I don’t usually post a source like ABC News, but they have an interesting WWII catalog type of graph and a great example of modern pieces.

I hope you all found this interesting. I was very nervous to post this. Please let me know (politely) if anything should be corrected. I’m here to listen to the community. As a disabled person, I think it’s crucial to listen to others in the community, even if our stories and experiences differ.

Feel free to send more questions to me! My specialties are the history of medicine and the history of human sexuality, but I also like to research other aspects of history, so feel free to ask!

#disability history #history of medicine #agent carter #daniel sousa #captain america #winter soldier #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #game of thrones #jaime lannister #boardwalk empire #richard harrow #captain america and the winter soldier #falcon and the winter soldier #anakin skywalker #luke skywalker #long post

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irrealisms · 2 years ago

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got tagged by @vascera ! ty :D

answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you want to get to know better

Name: Hearts/Will/Casey/Francis/Kit/Sofia. yes i know this is complicated. im sorry. in my defense it is even worse for me

Sign: ares

Height: 5′5″ if i stand up straight 5′4″ if I slouch

Birthday: april 3

Time: 7:06pm est as of typing this

Favorite band/artists: the mountain goats. theoretically other artists too but in practice the mountain goats

Last movie: it probably says something about how often i watch movies that i genuinely cannot remember.

Last show: uh. ditto. ....prooooobably the Untamed or Hannibal.

What I post: mostly fandom content. which rn is dsmp because I have awful taste. but when i started this blog it was much more religion-heavy and I occasionally think of that in longing before going back to posting my fandom nonsense :’)

Last thing I googled: “beeduo visual novel” (ended up finding it in my tumblr likes lol. link here)

Other blogs: i have a few old blogs ( @weird-together , @liminaes , @creepycrawlycrazies , @daywillcomeagain , a couple old sideblogs that I made like one post on and then never used) but I don’t have any other currently active blogs

Do I get asks: occasionally? not often. this is almost definitely worsened by the fact that I reply to significantly less than half of the asks I get. talking is scary guys

Following: 1,232

Average hours of sleep: like. 9 or 10. my night meds Forcibly Knock Me Out. if i don’t take them i will do an allnighter by accident. if i do take them i will sleep like 8-12 hours. if i am woken up before 8 hours after taking my night meds i will simply go back to sleep

Instruments: none. I’m a decent singer though! not professional-level but I did allstate chorus a couple times in middle n high school

What I’m wearing: a magnus archives t-shirt, a flannel, and jeans

Dream job: when I was 4 years old I answered "what do you want to be when you grow up?” question by listing various animals and honestly that’s still true

Dream trip: visiting my internet friends 🥺

Favorite songs: Love Love Love by the Mountain Goats. Caroline by Emma Lloyd. Gasoline by Halsey.

Last book I read: (in its entirety) Spiritual Friendship by St. Aelred of Rievaulx, (in part) the Bible

3 fictional universes I’d live in: hmmm this is a tough one, a lot of my favorite fictional universes would be worse or the same as this timeline? I’d go for the His Dark Materials multiverse, which is like our world except (a) I’d have to deconvert and change my theology around (b) the seeing-your-daemon-out-of-the-corner-of-your-eye trick that I tried to do for years of my childhood would actually work. Same with Arda, except (a) I’d get to be more confident in my theology, and (b) I’d get to be confident that elves used to exist. Uhhhhh. I’d probably go for Vanda Nosseo from Silmaril (glowfic) by Lintamande, probably, which has the same (a) as HDM but makes up for it with “not only did elves exist in the past, they still do”. I think elves existing is pretty neat.

if you read all of that, consider yourself tagged! (if you want to be.)

#therapists dni

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mack3030 · 4 years ago

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I find it really telling that even after their “apology” (which was really weak and seemed more like barely admitting to their problems and sweeping it all under the rug), Anto still has the evidence up on his tumblr.

He can’t say “I don’t accept your apology because it sounds weak and fake and barely takes any real responsibility...” without sounding like a jerk to certain people. (Even if it’s true.)

There’s a difference between saying:

* Okay I finally admit I might have made a mesh that looks almost identical to yours and it might come across as copyright infringement oops sorry about that...and that it took so long to admit...

* I am deeply sorry to the communities I hurt. Not just those who play the sims, but the creators on secondlife whose work I directly stole and edited and claimed as my own. I was not right to deny the claims against me when I knew they were true. From now on I am going to hold myself to a higher standard and apologize to those who I have hurt.

See the thing that rings false about Sonya’s apology is the claim that they didn’t “steal” the mesh but copied it side by side. This rings hollow because of all of the evidence posted by Anto and others that literally shows how IDENTICAL the “Sonyasims” meshes are to the original meshes. Yes, there are some minor differences, but they are few and the similarities are way too uncanny for it to be copied.

In my profession I deal a lot with kids who “trace” artwork and pass it off as their own. One of the biggest red flags is the artwork being too similar to the original. Why? Because if you’re “eyeballing” the work and drawing (aka copying from a reference image) there will be enough noticeable differences for it to not look exactly like the original. Lines might not be as smooth or straight, proportions might be slightly off, details missed. A traced image, however, looks 95% or more like the original with only a few details missed most of the time.

And sonyasims work, based on the screenshots and video evidence compiled, looks like a traced work I’d get from one of my kiddos.

See, there IS a difference between taking someone’s work directly and tracing and using it as a reference for a new work (particularly if you are in the process of learning how to do an art form). Usually if you are not making serious money (I.E you only sell your eyeballed work to a few friends/family members that want one vs trying to make a “brand” and sell it professionally) you can (normally) get away with eyeballing work and not changing it too much. (While it might not be 100% in line with copyright, this is commonly done at the beginners/student level — ex: a student selling a work they did in class at an art show that was heavily derived from a reference image to a friend/teacher.)

But when you decide you want to be a “professional” artist, you have to be able to take a reference image and remix and change it enough that it is a new work in its own right. Copying a reference alone won’t cut it. You have to make it different enough that people can’t come after you for it thinking you lifted a good portion of it from another work in any form. Lots of professional artists have had issues with this, a recent case being Jake Parker, the founder of Inktober, who was accused of plagiarizing from another artist’s how to draw book.

Sonyasims cannot claim ignorance about where the inspiration for their mesh came from. They can’t claim they were only copying the meshes of Anto and others for practice or as cc for their own game. They blatantly put it on their patreon, and claimed that the edited mesh was their own. They tried to be a “professional” cc maker by taking the work of others, editing it a slight bit, and selling it as their own under their own “brand”.

When called out on it, they denied it until they were blue in the face, even throwing out wild suggestions on how they’d “prove” their innocence. All this did was make people more upset, because in light of all the evidence shared....sonyasims’ denials rang hollow.

So what can we ask ourselves and learn from this?:

1) How are we as a community going to deal with “creators” who are blatantly stealing meshes from other sites and creators? I’m not just talking secondlife, I’m also talking turbosquid, imvu, sketchfab, and other 3D sites and places where people take and/or buy meshes and then resell them as their own sims 4 content. As I’ve detailed in one of my past posts, many of these sites don’t actually allow you to sell their meshes for 3D worlds like the Sims 4. And many sims 4 creators don’t inform the original mesh creators about how their mesh is being resold.

How are we going to deal with this? Because this is a bigger problem than just Sonyasims. Many high profile CC creators are VERY guilty of fully converting entire sets from 3D modeling sites to “sell” as their cc content and the community turns a blind eye to it because we want pretty things for our game and don’t think about where they come from. It’s easier to just assume that person made them....even if they are amazingly able to “crank out” tons of surprisingly high quality content on the daily...(almost as if they didn’t have to mesh much at all...🤭).

2) What actions should be required of those who have violated the community’s trust? At what point will they be “forgiven”?

If Sonyasims wants to rebuild trust in the community they will have to show that they deserve it. They have two options. Either try to find more obscure meshes to steal that people won’t recognize, or actually mesh stuff themselves and show they are sorry for their actions. I hope they choose the second, but at what point does the community have to forgive someone who’s wronged it? I think of Savvysweet, who although a majority of the community loves and still supports even with the incident earlier this year, still gets hateful asks and comments from others. What should a simblr do when they’ve been proven to have wronged the Sims 4 CC community? What steps should they take to show true remorse?

3) What do we, as a community value? Do we value having “pretty stuff” in our games, regardless of how it got there and what creative individual’s rights are stepped on? Do we value having a system of paywalls and exclusives where only those who have more can access the creations of the creative community? Do we desire an open source and sharing community where creatives come together and learn and share resources freely while respecting each other? These are all important questions for us to ask as we continue to move forward from this. While this is not the first time a creator has been called out for stealing meshes, this is one that has gained a lot of attention. And while I agree that they deserve the negative attention and consequences that come with their actions, I also feel that if we as a community are going to publicly hold them accountable for it, we need to examine others who are doing the same thing. Because it’s up to us to decide what we want our creative space to look like, and feel like. So chew on these questions, ponder them. If you have an opinion on them, I’d love to know. They’re just questions to consider, because I sure don’t have an answer.

#sonyasims #paywalls suck #theft #copyright violations #oof #sims 4 cc #sims 4 maxis match #sims 4 alpha

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niobil · 5 years ago

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Ok so Tumblr sucks and I can’t really see privately sent answers so I’m putting it here again.

@raspberryfanfics asked if I had any tips for aspriring “drawers”, and though I’m not sure if I’m one to be giving art advice, my progress has been slow the past few years and I don’t have formal art training, but this is personally what I do as self-teaching, long text under the cut:

1. Actually sit down and genuinely, wholeheartedly study/practice. Anatomy, color theory, backgrounds, composition, fashion elements etc. whatever it is that you want to be the focal points in your drawings. I know people say they “practice” a lot but I don’t think they’re doing it very efficiently. You should (and probably need to if you’re serious about your art career) analyze, then try to replicate real life photos and figures. And yes I know it’s incredibly boring and you will be tempted to give in and create fan content instead but... fact is you’re probably not gonna improve, or at least not fast, by staying in your safe fanart corner.

2. Don’t be afraid of using references. From what I’ve seen even professional artists with thorough knowledge of different art elements use references. Sure they’ll be more mobile in their creative process but they still reference for accuracy and adjustments. Again, I would advice using real life photos or one of those long art sheets that analyze different angles of the same thing (you know what I’m talking about right?) over the “Your Character Here” stuff or whatever shortcuts the internet offers. Also at this point I would suggest not too closely reference anything that’s not yours, especially not other people’s artworks. Observe it, learn how it works, and make the knowledge yours.

I use Pinterest a/o Google a lot but I’ve seen people using programs/sites (sorry I don’t know the names) that let you render 3D models or create color palettes. I also feel like people don’t use themselves as reference enough. Like, take pictures of yourself, of others around you, of your surroundings, it’s right there and no one’s gonna police you for using your own stuff.

3. Don’t be afraid of asking questions. I know you’re already doing so but many people starting off drawing find it intimidating to ask other artists, especially really good and well-known ones (which I am not) how they do certain things, but I would say from observation that 8/10 would happily share their knowledge and process. We’re all learning from each other you know?

4. Some little things:

For traditional drawings here.

For digital works: Change up the brush setting every once in a while, use different brushes, the default settings are generally not... efficient.

I know I sound like a snob rn and I am in no position to tell you to do anything a certain way, I still have a long way to go. This is just how I do what I do and I hope it can be useful in some way to you. Good luck fellow aspiring drawer!

#asks #raspberryfanfics #artsy stuff #and that's only on the technical and not artistic/inspirational side of art

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cristinaarce · 4 years ago

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LAST UPDATE ON MY START-UP VENTURE (at least here in Tumblr)

Well, this is the final report and after many ups and downs, I am pleased with how everything has turned out at the end.

... But before I go into business, I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude and appreciation to Amber. Thank you for all the help given the past 14 weeks! Your guidance and mentorship have been greatly needed and I really appreciate what you have done to support me (and all your students) through the entire class. Thank you for not only sharing the theory but for the encouragement to actually become entrepreneurs. Thank you for setting up the bar high because of this we were able to build a new business from the ground up and become small business owners. Thank you Amber! :)

Ok, as part of the last update, I just want to share a summary of the journey of this start-up venture.

AN IDEA THAT BECAME A REALITY...

Everything started with a very personal problem. As a petite woman who is curvy, I find it difficult to find clothing that actually fits my body shape. And that’s where the idea of starting an online store for petite women came from.

ARTISTIK is a fashion brand for petite women. An online retail store focused on styles and designs for petite women. ARTISTIK offers a variety in clothing that will actually fit and flatter the small figure. There is a common misunderstanding that petite means small all over. However, petite women vary in heights, body shapes, and sizes, including plus-size. No matter her curves, a woman who’s under 5 foot 4 inches in height is considered petite. ARTISTIK is an online retail store focused on styles and designs that will make the petite woman feel confident, without drowning in extra fabric.

WHAT DOES MAKE ARTISTIK’ BRAND DIFFERENT?

ARTISTIK’s collections are exclusively designed with the petite woman in mind. I have created exclusive prints and patterns to make the small frame look longer. ARTISTIK represents a fusion of fashion and art, with contemporary designs merging illustrations, original photographs, and designs, all created by me, Cristina Arce. I am a fashion photographer, a graphic designer, an artist, and most importantly, a curvy petite woman myself.

(Although the pieces are designed with the petite woman in mind, they can also we worn by any height woman).

BODY POSITIVITY

My focus is to design clothes that are comfortable and chic, allowing women to carry out their daily routine with confidence and ease. It’s super important for me to promote a healthy body image. I do not digitally reshape or alter the model’s appearance – this is a very common practice done by many big retail brands.

SUSTAINABILITY

The clothing industry (Fast Fashion Industry) is the third largest polluter of our Earth. Because of this, ARTISTIK does it differently.

ARTISTIK is a slow fashion store using a made-to-order business model. This allows me to operate in a safe ethical manner with minimal environmental impact. ARTISTIK only sells online and on demand so that we don't waste unnecessary raw materials and thus keep the Earth a little cleaner. I want to be remembered for the quality of products I deliver, not the waste ARTISTIK leaves behind. This way ARTISTIK prevents overproduction, and therefore unnecessary waste.

BIG SUCCESSES THROUGH THE COURSE

During this journey I have had many successes (and also many failures, but let’s focus only in the successes), and I would like to share some of them:

Success 1. Going from just an idea to the entire creation of the business. Success 2. Feels great to have done the market research, identity market gaps, and doing surveys to ensure me that the idea was feasible and accepted by the potential buyers. Success 3. Developing concepts for products, creation of prototypes and designs for products. This was something totally new to me and I have never done anything similar, and it was a good experience to go through the entire creative process. Success 4. Applying all my knowledge of Design Thinking, User Optimization, and E-commerce creation into the store. Success 5. Doing the extensive research of Canadian, American, and international suppliers, contact them, define processes was not fun (lol). It was a hard process to find a supplier specially during the Covid-19 pandemic, but it was very rewarding to finally find one that I am happy with and its products are all made with eco-friendly materials!!! (which it was very important to me). Success 6. Finding not only a beautiful packaging but it is made 100% from recycled materials. The Branding and packing I have created for the store its just gorgeous!

In addition to the multiple tasks that I have successfully accomplished as part of the course, and also as part of the business plan for ARTISTIK. Some of these tasks are:

- Created a “start-up”, “launching”, and first 6 months budget - I did the banking, financial planning, and monitor of funds through all the start-up months - Creation of a SEO strategy, Landing Pages, and AB Testing for the E-commerce store - Develop pricing strategies to maximum profit - Planning of marketing campaigns around build brand awareness - Professional photographs of the product for the E-commerce and for social media

And everything related to the creation and design of the E-commerce store that I have done all by myself.

(And many many more!)

AND NOW... ARE YOU READY FOR THE BEST NEWS?!

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!

MARK YOUR CALENDAR AND PLANNERS!

ARTISTIK STORE is ready and I am having the LAUNCH set up for August 18th at 10am EDT!!!

Yes! The Launch date is just right around the corner, and I am so excited for all the things I have planned for that week.

The store is launching with TWO Collections, and a current line of sixteen (16) totally different products.

- Seven (7) different styles of dresses, including two (2) styles for plus size petite women - Two (2) styles of hoodies, two (2) styles of sweatshirts, and one (1) of a windbreaker jacket - Two (2) styles of T-shirts and two (2) styles of tanks

Each style has different designs for the customers to choose their favourite.

https://artistikstore.com/

Did someone ask for a sneak peek? ;)

These are just some details of the pages from the E-commerce that I have been creating, designing, and programming these past weeks:

I think sneak peeks are so exciting but make me more impatient at the same time lol I cannot wait.

Join me for the full Launch Date on August 18th at 10am EDT!

If anyone wants to give me a follow, it would be so awesome! :)

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/artistikstore/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/artistikstore

Or go to ARTISTIK’s website:

This is the link: https://artistikstore.com/

Thanks for reading my updates during these weeks, and I hope to see you at the store. ;)

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rosesutherlandwrites · 6 years ago

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Art Meme Thingy

i was tagged by the AMAZING @thecandlesticksfromlesmis which is delightful as I didn’t realise i was really on your radar and I think you’re hella cool? And yes, I did draw my avatar. I am really amused to get tagged in on art things because...I draw so seldom, and until my recent tumblr rumblings, hadn’t done since I did an art class in high school. So--I am very flattered!

1. one insecurity Is anything I do interesting/original enough that anyone even wants to see it?

2. Two fears - my work is never quite what I WANT it to be -that people will make fun of my stuff or tell me it’s crap (which has happened but I was a CHILD and you’d think by now I might have moved past that a little? it’s ridiculous)

3. Three (Art) Turn-Ons

-LIGHT I LOVE LIGHT -when one person in a scene is looking right at you as if they are totally aware they are in a work of art and are being looked at, while around them everyone else is just doing their thing. -feeling like i am looking into a real life.

4. Four Life Fandom/Art Goals - become someone who creates things more regularly and not just now and then when i hammer out a few minutes because I really should try and remind people i have creative interests - Actually make some progress on my original non-fandom work, because I am in love with it as an idea but “real life” has been derailing me badly. - find a fantastic group of people like my tumblr pals who are actually closer to me so that i can occasionally geek out freely in the flesh and not just online. - finally do a play or musical again, because my back to school/multiple moves in a short time/total career change has kept me from that and I miss it BADLY (going from someone who works in theatre/film and did multiple projects in a year to not being involved in anything for three years straight is painful to my soul)

5. Five Things I Like Drawing?? - People. ALWAYS PEOPLE

-people surrounded by things that tell me stuff about who they are - Fantasy creatures. not as much now, but I used to adore this--elves, fairies, centaurs. - interesting expressions and movements--although I am very bad at getting them to be accurate

- pretty details--things like halos, or the hems of dresses.

6. Six Weaknesses

- i’m a fucking perfectionist and it stresses me out LET THINGS BE WHAT THEY ARE (I’m keeping this because UGH ME TOOO_ - i put too much value into what other people think of my work, like if it makes me happy that should be enough (are we the same person? really) - I want things to be good right away and have hard time making myself practice things I am not already good at. - I have such a hard time settling down and focusing to work on stuff.

(if ppl are assholes i refuse to work with them, and i feel like in this industry that’s a weakness? even if they are super super good at what they do I just can’t tolerate dickheads and i rarely ever give them a second chance which is unfair--an aside: GOOD FOR YOU! I would rather work with a director like that any day of the week and if more people were like that the entire performing arts industry would be way less full of toxic disgusting bullshit PLEASE NEVER CHANGE)

- I have too many interests and i am one of those people who is blessed/cursed with being at least okay at a lot of different kinds of artistic things, but it makes me slightly--I obsess about dance for a year, and then singing for six months, and then spend two weeks drawing every damn day, and then i take a class in stage combat and get nutty about that, and then I write all night for three weeks straight, and so on and so on.And then i decide i need to make a perfect croissant. It’s interesting, but it isn’t necessarily great for following through an anything. -i hate having to try and make any sort of a profit off of my creative stuff? because it makes me super anxious and totally blocks me. it’s why i stopped acting professionally. so i am trying to learn to just have hobbies and it turns out i am bad at not taking everything painfully seriously

7. Seven things I love

(this is less about my specific work and more about content in general) -COLLABORATION (i love i love i love) -people that reblog my shit and write in the tags talking specifically to me knowing that i’m creeping on the reblogs -seeing peoples work that is in styles I could never hope to replicate and would never have come up with -Cosplay Cosplay Cosplay why do i have no money or sewing skills or other friends closely with whom I can Cosplay!!!

-everyone’s different interpretations of characters. even if it doesn’t match my own imaginings i still think it’s cool and interesting and so much fun -wild aus and crazily spiralling fandom jokes. -finding new things to love based on the things my mutuals are doing and loving that I haven’t heard of (like I just finished reading The Cruel Prince because of @montparnassee and @petalproufaerie did a wicked cosplay for it? And I’m pretty sure the idea for my current WIP wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for @mysunfreckle’s fairytale aus, and @adorablecrab‘s art that references some of it. - aesthetic posts that have nothing to do with my fandoms but fill me with so much joy

8. Tag Eight people

I don’t really tag people in this stuff? because I would love to see what anyone who has the time and wants to do this has to say, but i hate feeling like I’m maybe leaving people out. So if you want to join, join! Please! and tag me so i see it and get to know you better!

#laughingmistress does memes #tag game? ask game? a game #long af #secondhand rose #me and the arts

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askalucario-blog · 6 years ago

Photo

Caption: ‘yule’ when finished, Kennedy gives each of the masks a name and completes the project by posting an image online images courtesy of the artist.

Damselfrau interview: a peek behind the many masks of the London-based artist

if you somehow stumbled accidentally upon the work of Norwegian artist damselfrau, you’d be forgiven for thinking you had unearthed a cache of ancient vestments; something mystical, arcane—maybe even occult. defined by intricate beadwork, delicate lace and bold, bright color, damselfrau’s masks are at once visually arresting and bewitchingly unsettling. beautifully reshaping the face of the wearer, her work is laden with character, suggesting not just individual personalities, but whole narratives, histories, and worlds of their own.

the name ‘damselfrau’ is inherently contradictory. while ‘frau’ is a term used for married women, ‘damsel’ denotes one who is unmarried. combined, they form the paradoxical and provocative pseudonym adopted by artist magnhild kennedy—originally as a skype username, now as a professional alias—that she likes to interpret as ‘married to oneself’. it’s a fitting mantle for an artist who has become renowned for her masks; a craft that involves placing another ‘self’ on top of your own, creating both a combination of the two and suggesting something entirely new altogether.

damselfrau masks in vogue portugal, ‘the bold side of christmas’image by vasily agreneko, styling by pierre-alexandre fillaire

originally from trondheim in norway, damselfrau moved to london in 2007. while both of her parents are artists, she herself never formally trained. rather, kennedy’s practice originated somewhere a little less conventional: the dance floors of london’s nightclubs. working at a vintage designer shop in islington at the time, kennedy drew inspiration from the collection of clothes around her and was able to sew her own pieces behind the counter, which she would then wear clubbing. eye-catching, eccentric and strangely seductive, it’s no wonder that mask quickly became her craft of choice.

since then, damselfrau has made pieces for artists like mø and beyoncé, and collaborated with alister mackie and louis vuitton. beads, glass, lace, textiles, paint, hair, paper: everything and anything can be included in one of damselfrau’s creations. rather than chaos however, the result is one of organic artistry. ‘for me the mask is a place where different elements come together as situation,’ she says in her artist’s statement. ‘the work is about this place-situation, more so than the mask as a theme or category of form. the mask is a place’. livened by the found nature of the materials that comprise them, damselfrau’s masks perfectly walk the line between being delicate artworks of visual poetry and ghostly uniforms for the mystical.

damselfrau’s intricate gold face piece can be spotted at the start of this music video for mø’s track ‘kamikaze’

designboom spoke with the artist recently about her journey toward mask making, the best spots in london to find new materials, and her plans for the new year.

designboom: you come from a particularly artistic family. what was your own personal journey like as an artist in light of this? do you remember the first time you sat down and said, ‘right, I’m going to make a mask’? how did it turn out?

magnhild kennedy: I came to myself quite late. I’ve always made various types of stuff, but nothing good. I’ve known since I was a teen that I was going to have to head to london at some point, but it didn’t happen until I was in my late 20’s. I have no idea how masks became the format for me, I’m not particularly interested in masks as a category. I worked in a vintage design shop when I first moved here. looking at the old clothes, their details and decor gave me some insight into making. I went to car-boot sales every weekend to find utilities for our new life here, and started schlepping home all kinds of funny materials, textiles and bits I found there.

I had to do something with all these materials. it started with making masks for a party and the format stuck. from there it just grew slowly and organically. five years ago my husband robert started dalston pier studio. I got myself a proper work shop there and felt it was the time take it seriously. I felt like an imposter for the longest time. I’m self taught, I didn’t go to school past the age of 19. but growing up with two artist parents, it’s been schooling from day one

DB: you work a lot in found textiles and have spoken about picking up materials in car boot sales and the like. what is the strangest place you’ve ever found material for a mask, and when working on a new piece, do you have a go-to place in london to start looking for inspiration?

MK: I find things everywhere, I have picked fruit netting out of bins. one christmas in paris, they decorated the trees of the champs-élysées with plastic crystals. rouge ones had fallen off and been stepped into the dirt pavement and I scratched out pocket fulls. I’ve picked gold confetti off the floor at alternative miss world. friends bring me things from their travels too. a friend gave me a norwegian 1700’s hair wreath, a japanese friend gave me an antique geisha hair piece I crocheted into a mask. old tea towels. I’ll use whatever if it has personality.

just walking out the door is inspiration, really. I live in dalston. people from everywhere in the world, young and old. fashion kids. charity shops. I’ll go to sir john soane’s museum. the wallace collection. spitalfields on thursdays. dennis severs’ house. dover street market. a pub.

DB: how long does it usually take to finish a mask, and what is the longest you have ever worked on a single piece?

MK: anything from a day to forever! I have unfinished masks on my shelves that have been waiting for ‘something’ for months—years even. I’ll just have to wait until that right something comes along.

percifor’‘I felt like an imposter for the longest time…but growing up with two artist parents, it’s been schooling from day one’

DB: I know you originally made masks for clubbing in london. how has creating masks specifically for a club environment and club culture in general influenced the work you make? do you still wear your masks clubbing?

MK: it’s been a loooong time since I went clubbing! I might make myself something fun for halloween if I am going to some party. the ‘craft something from nothing’ element of the club culture was inspiring. what some people could make out of some egg carton, tape and paint, you know? there was no hierarchy amongst the materials. that is the main thing I learned that I have brought with me into the work.

‘uro’‘there was no hierarchy amongst the materials. that is the main thing (…) I have brought with me into the work’

DB: how do you personally feel when wearing one of your creations, and what do you hope the experience is for an onlooker?

MK: I don’t wear the masks much once they are done. I try my best not to make to many decisions for the masks. people see what they see. it’s none of my business!

DB: you have collaborated with a lot of really interesting people in the past. are there any artists you are particularly influenced by, or anyone you would love to work with in future?

MK: when I was a kid I saw moebius’ and enki bilal’s comics, and they definitely still inform what I do. I’m very interested in homes and how people surround themselves. I decorate a lot. I sew my own christmas ornaments. at the moment I am taken with the book ‘dawnridge’, about tony duquette’s wonderfully OTT home. he was an artist, film and set designer in hollywood. I like miniature model makers like charles matton and thierry bosquet.

I like spaces over-informed by the people who use them and live in them. I have always felt I work mostly like a decorator. my all time greatest obsession is versailles. I don’t have a particular person in mind, so my dream collab would definitely be with versailles.

DB: you often talk about your masks having a character and life of their own. how much of yourself do you see in each piece you make, or do you always see it as a separate entity from the start? what stage in the process does a mask’s character start to reveal itself, and what does that moment feel like?

MK: separate entity I think…it’s a kind of meditative state, making these things. i’m always surprised by what comes out and that I have made something. usually the character changes several times along the way. there are very few conscious choices taken along the way, or at least it feels like it.

I try to think as little as possible, really and just go by instinct. no overthinking. I have clear physical reactions in the brain to if something works or not. like two ant antennae meeting, releasing some warm spark. some severe chemical reaction, it’s totally a high.

DB: you have a strong presence on instagram and images of your work are understandably popular on sites like instagram and tumblr. how integral to your process is social media, and how has it impacted the way you make work, if at all?

MK: it’s a big part of the work. a mask isn’t finished until I have taken a portrait of it and sent it out on general internet high-ways like my instagram or blogspot. this way the mask makes a life of its own and communicates its own being. it’s how it has turned into actual work.

DB: are you working on anything at the moment you’d like to share with us, and what does 2019 hold for damselfrau?

MK: yes! I’m very excited. I have been invited to exhibit at the national museum of decorative arts trondheim in norway this september. it’s the first time I’ll show the masks in the flesh in norway, so it’s pretty grand for me. I used to visit this museum as a kid, I have strong feeling for this building. it’s surreal to be showing there. I am also working on an interesting project with queen mary university and designer rachel freire, incorporating technical fabrics and movement sensors with my masks. that’s a new universe for me—very cool.

DB: any personal mottos or words of wisdom you try to live by?

MK: ‘walk, don’t run’, as my dad always says.

#facemask

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mxrainbowsheep · 7 years ago

Text

First Case.

Fandom: Thomas Sanders.

Characters From: TSSides, Cartoon Therapy, and some adopted fannon TSShorts Characters.

AU: Criminal Investigation. That being said, the warning are.. pretty obvious.

Warnings: Dead Body, Mentions of death, and killing. Mentions of being choked to death. Minor details about a Bruise. Minor Swearing. Mentions of a panic attack.

Summary: Logan gets a Job as Forensic Anthropologist.

Word Count: 4055

A/N: Okay, so, this fic, was heavily based on the TV series called “Bones” that being said. I, in no way, shape, or form, have any real idea of what I’m talking about. I just do some research, and hope it passes. This fic is also my longest Fanfiction ever. Also, do to tumblr being a huge jerk, I have to split this up into two parts, because Tumblr has this “No more than 100 word blocks” limitation, which, can I say, is complete and utter bull shit? Also, I’m sorry for how this story is formatted, it hurts my heart too.

—

Logan looked in surprise at his acceptance letter. He had applied for the Job as a Forensic Anthropologist at the MndScapes just a few weeks ago, he hadn’t expected to actually be accepted for the job. He was glad didn’t have to go to work at the MndScapes until Monday, as it was currently Saturday Night.

~^~

Early Monday morning Logan awoke. He slipped out of bed and took a shower. He got out quickly brushed his coffee stained teeth, from years of staying up late studying for exams. Logan quickly threw on his best clothes. A black polo shirt with a blue tie, his best pair of thin framed glasses, a nice pair of jeans and some very classy leather dress shoes. The clothing fit nicely on his lean frame.

He quickly brushed his oak brown hair and slicked it back with some gel, he threw on some cologne and quickly left his apartment and got into his car. After a 30 minute drive he arrived at MndScapes. He quickly got out of the car and walked up the steps to the receptionist who politely pointed him in the right direction. When he arrived he was greeted by a smiling man.

“Hiya Kiddo! Names Patton!” Patton’s light blue eyes shined that shined with warmth, were just behind a think framed glasses, “Welcome to your new Job at MndScapes! Now there isn’t much to do currently as we are between cases! But let me introduce you to some of the others!” Patton motioned for Logan to follow him as he walked forward. Patton had a light blue button up shirt with a cardigan wrapped around his shoulders which gave him the appearance of a suburban dad. He also wore Khakis and some very worn dress shoes.

“Others?” Logan thought to himself, following behind Patton. He didn’t like working with others. He found most people to be extremely errored and willingly ignorant and those were two things that he hated.

“This is Virgil! He’s our Entomologist, Mineralogist, and Botanist!” Patton said proudly, as he butchered the first science field.

Logan looked Virgil up and down. Virgil had dark brown hair, it was so dark Logan mistook it for black at first. He was hunched over in his seat. He wore a simple T-shirt under his overly large jacket. His jacket draping over him, giving him the appearance he was extremely thin, his black skinny jeans didn’t help either, the jeans were accompanied by some Converse sneakers. His attire was most unprofessional, besides the thin plastic apron and gloves that he also wore. Virgil's silver eyes looked worried, they were sunken in and had dark circles under his eyes.

“More simply I look at bu-,” “Bugs, Plants and minerals, yes I am aware of what you’re trained in. I wasn’t born yesterday.” Virgil looked at Logan appalled but he didn’t say anything, as an awkward silence fell over the three of them. Patton laughed nervously, trying to break the silence. “Okay! Well, I guess you could say Virgil works with… ents!” Logan groaned slightly at the pun, while Virgiled smirked, softly chuckling to himself. “Let’s find the next member of our team shall we?” Patton said leading Logan away from Virgil. Up next, Remy! He’s our amazing computer guy!” Remy smiled and motioned his hands into finger guns pointed towards Patton. “Yup, that’s me!” Remy smiled, Logan immediately noticed the fact that Remy was wearing shades inside. He was also wearing a T-shirt, a black pleather jacket, jeans and some sneakers. “Just notify me when you need me to look up things!” “Duly Noted. Logan.” Logan nodded at Remy and held his hand out for a shake, Remy shook his hand and then turned back to doing whatever he was doing before on the computer. Patton smiled and continued walking forward, they soon met the next person. “Roman! Our fantastic Forensic Artist!” Patton sayed excitedly “Yes, Tis, I! Roman Prince! Everyone’s favorite Forensic Artist!” Roman flourished his hands in an over the top way, his chestnut brown hair bouncing with movement. His Chocolate brown eyes shone brightly, he was clearly passionate. He wore, a nice clean white button up shirt, business pants, and some leather dress boots, finally someone in practical garment. “Ah.” Logan nodded as he took in Roman’s over the top personality, which was very unprofessional. “Logan,” he once again said and once again held out his hand for a shake. Roman took his hand and wholeheartedly shook it. “Welcome, Logan!!” Roman said excitedly. Logan nodded. He already knew he was going to have problems with most of, if not everyone in this work space. None of them were very professional. “Well kiddo, Unfortunately Emilie isn’t in right now.” “Well, I hope she can make it in sometime.” and is professional. Logan thought to himself. “No,” Patton chuckled, “Emilie is a man, though he prefers to be called by his last name, Picani!” “Oh.. Sorry to assume.” Logan shook his head “Anyone else I should know about?” Logan inquired. “Oh! Yes, Nate and Drake. Nate has his own office outside of MndScapes, and Drake is our prosecutor, so… He doesn’t really have to be here when it comes to our cases!” Patton smiled brightly, it seemed that these people were extremely important to him. “Oh! Let me show you to your office!!” Patton walked forward, it was almost like he was skipping, his grey cardigan bounced up and down ever so slightly. Logan followed Patton to his new office where Logan might do his paperwork, or quickly research things. When Logan entered the room, he noticed that the room was very large. The wooden desk had a black stapler, several colorful post-it notes, a very expensive Computer, and a jar of pens. “Yeah.. we haven’t had time to clean it up much since the last Anthropologist left..” “No it is fine. If you don’t mind me asking, why did they leave?” “Oh… I’m legally not allowed to disclose that info.. but.. I’ll tell you this much, what they have seen, has definitely changed them, and Drake didn’t make it any better,” Ah, I see.” Logan nodded and sat down in the very worn down chair that was provided behind the desk. Patton started to walk out the door but stopped immediately and said “Oh! Your username and password is located on the post-it note located at the bottom of your computer!” then Patton continued on his way.

~^~

Logan was walking around the building when a tall man with reddish brown hair, and vibrant green eyes, dressed in a FBI uniform ran in. “Hey, we got a murder. Let’s move out.” He said seriously, Logan guessed that he was Nate. In an instant the atmosphere of the building changed, it became stiff and rugged. Patton’s usual smiling face was replaced by stern and worried one. Virgil appeared to be even more worried, as his silver eyes looked back and forth between everyone as if he had never dealt with a murder before. Quickly, they were rushed out of MndScapes to where the victim's body lay. It was downtown, from where they were at, no more than 10 miles away from Logan’s apartment. The first thing that Logan noticed was the smell. It hit him in the face like a truck full of bricks. It smelled of Garbage and Sulfur, the smell alone could curdle milk. The next thing Logan noticed was the body, it was curled up in the fetal position and was leaning against the wall and garbage bin. “Who found it?” Patton looked at Nate, with a soft yet worried look on his face. “Two teens worried about the amount of trash in the city picked up some trash bags, and got another surprise” Nate responded. Logan walked over, knelt in front of the body and started examining it. “The shape of the hips indicates the victim was male, and judging by his size he was.. in his middle to late teens.” Logan heard Patton sigh, “Kid cases are the worst,” He mumbled to himself. “I can’t do much else here, we need to get back to the lab” Logan spoke, he got up and looked Patton in the eye and nodded. Soon the body was on a stretcher and in a van back to the lab.

~^~

Back in the lab, and body on the table, Logan and Virgil quickly got to work. Virgil quickly picked up several insects including maggots and dead flies. “I’ll… take these to be examined to give us a more exact time and date of death.” He seemed hesitant, “That’s all well and good but we still need to find out who he is, and how he died.” Patton said, walking down the stairs to help examine the body. Logan picked up the skull, and started examining it. “Looking at the back of the skull it looks like blunt force trauma.. but I won’t know for sure unless I clean the bones..” “So.. The kid was hit with a bat or a pipe or something?” Patton asked looking over to Logan while he was cleaning some of the bones. “Possibly. Once we get all the bones cleaned, I’ll be able to tell for sure.”

~^~

Logan was in Roman’s office, looking at what was on the projected screen, his office was cluttered, but clean. Roman had drawn up the sketch of the body digitally on his computer. The boy was depicted to have messy light brown hair, almost blonde, his eyes were soft and young, he had strong features, probably of European decent. “Guys! Okay, He died, about 2 weeks ago!” Virgil came running in to Roman’s office, “I just told Remy to look up anyone who was reported missing from two weeks ago until now, but, guess what I found on what was left of his hair?” “What?” Patton and Roman said together, with an excited curiosity in their voices. “Ammonia and hydrogen peroxide.” “And that means what?” Roman asked unimpressed. “It’s hair dye,” Logan explained, “Permanent hair dye to be exact,” “Purple permanent hair dye to be even more exact.” Virgil responded, looking at Logan with a slight glare in his eye. “So Roman change the hair to purple and then send it to Remy to see if he can match the face to any missing reports.” Roman nodded and reached for what seemed to be a remote, he pointed it at the projection and quickly the light brown hair became a pinkish, purple color. “More of a grape color,” Virgil stated, and Roman changed it. “I believe we have our victim. Good job Roman… and to you as well Virgil.” Logan said blankly, he quickly turned and walked out of Romans office and went back to examining the teen’s body. Patton followed after a moment. Logan looked at the neck bones, “Patton, it appears that the hairline fractures on his trachea seems to have been caused by choking…” “What do you mean?” Patton questioned. “I mean, I believe that this person was.. choked to death. The way the fractures are, it means the person who was choking him, was doing so, from.. behind. The blunt force trauma on the back of his skull suggests that this might not have been his cause of death.. it’s possible the boy was hit in the back of the head, but who ever killed him, didn’t have the strength to kill him immediately, and may have resorted to choking him.. possibly using a rope… or a belt.” Patton nodded taking in the information. “So we have the When, the How, now we need the Who and Why.” He said, smiling, not happy, but he was just trying to be optimistic, it seemed like children's cases bothered him greatly. “Hey! Hey! Guys!” This was the voice of Remy, “This kids name, was “Toby Helouini” he was reported missing a week ago. He was apart of a foster care system, and was known for sneaking off and not coming back for days at a time. He went to the local school, that’s all I got from him.” “Awesome find Remy!” Patton cheered. “Thank you. Thank you.” Remy did a half bow. “Here’s the school and foster care system names, give those to Nate and I’ll be on my way!” “Alright! See ya, Remy!” “See ya, Patton.” Remy waved as he climbed up the stairs and off to his office. “So… who’s going to talk to the suspects?” Logan looked at Patton. “Well, you, if you’re up to it,” Patton chuckled, “You’re just going to spectate Nate and Emilie, they will be asking the questions.” Logan nodded, “Alright. I can do that,” Logan said.

~^~

Nate knocked on the front door of the Foster Care place that Toby had been staying in prior to his death. Nobody answered the door. Nate knocked again, this time more forcefully, “This is the FBI open up!” Nate shouted, quickly a petite latina woman opened the door, she had black shoulder length hair, her brown eyes were filled with worry as she saw the three men. Nate flashed his badge and said “Are you the caretaker in this foster home?” “Yes sir, I’m Valerie.. I’m confused what’s going on sir?” She asked quickly, “Well ma’am we regret to inform you, that we found Toby’s dead body just about a few days ago.” Nate said, with minimal empathy in his voice, “No! No he.. he can’t,” she hiccuped sobbing, “He can’t be dead!” “We’re truly sorry ma’am we know that news like that can be hard to take, my co-worker here is being a little insensitive,” Picani said, brushing his natural brown hair out of his face, and then he readjusted his pink tie. “Naturally we would like to question some of the children here and possibly at his school,” “Ye-yes of course,” Valerie said through her hiccups, and wiped away the tears running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.. I just can’t believe he’s dead..” “No worries ma’am, denial is simply the first stage of losing someone important to you.” After a few moments the trio was introduced to the first kid, a 17 year old named Seth, as he limped into the room. He had short shaggy russet brown hair. He wore a jeans, and some sneakers with a green T-shirt with the words, ‘Save more trees, do less homework.’ on it.

“What’s going on?” Seth looked between the three men.

“We found the body of your fellow Foster kid, Toby. He was hidden behind some garbage,” Nate said,

Seth put his hands to his face in what Logan guessed was surprise. It seemed he started crying.

“We were wondering if you knew anyone who he might have been enemies with,” Picani said softly, trying to comfort Seth while still staying on task.

Seth dropped his head and nodded, he wiped his face then took a deep breath in, and lifted his head and stared at Picani.

“Everyone loved Toby. Everyone. Well.. maybe not the Jocks or the Popular kids.. but.. pretty much everyone else,”

“Do you know if he happened to make any of these ‘Jocks’ or ‘Popular kids’ mad? Mad enough to resort to murder?” Picani nodded.

“No. No one, Me and Toby were Tight. Basically twins.” Seth said sadly.

“Did Toby have any other friends?” Nate asked.

Seth nodded, “Lots, too many to list, you should probably check some of the other foster kids to see if they know anyone specific.” Seth looked at the ground, tears leaking from his eyes, silently crying.

They took Seth’s advice and decided to talk to some of the other foster kids. None of them gave the three any leads. They eventually went to Toby’s school. After interviewing some of the students, All of the students mentioned something about Seth, or something about another student named Elliot. They all decided to find him and ask him questions.

Elliot was 17, and dressed in a dark grey trench coat and had black jeans on, and some very worn, black combat boots.

“Why am I here?” Elliot asked looking the three men up and down.

“We were hoping you knew something about Toby Helouini’s disappearance.” Nate stated

“Oh.. so you found Toby? I knew he’d end up dead,” Elliot stated blankly,

“What do you mean?” Picani questioned softly.

“I mean, Toby was a down to earth guy, he was like.. really cool, he stood up for kids being bullied. He was like a highschool Robin Hood. I mean, there’s a rumor that his last name means ‘Halloween’ in some other language. Toby was cool, but he was very reckless. He didn’t know when to keep his nose in his own business.”

“Seth, told us that Toby was liked by everyone, and that he and Toby were extremely close,” Picani stated

Elliot snorted “Ha! That, was a lie, everyone who knew both Toby and Seth, knew that Seth hated, Toby’s guts. Seth and him were good friends, Seth soon got jealous of Toby once they reached high school.”

“And why was that?” Nate asked.

“Everyone payed attention to Toby and nobody paid attention to Seth. Seth would try and ask someone out, but they were usually pining after Toby. Seth tried to throw a party, but Toby threw a bigger and better one. Honestly, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t one conversation I had with Seth that didn’t involve saying something hateful towards Toby.” Elliot stated, “He’d get especially mad when people would stop talking to him and run to talk to Toby.”

“Do you think Seth would, kill Toby?” Nate asked simply.

“Seth was a very petty person with extreme abandonment issues, So.. I don’t see why he wouldn’t, I just see why he couldn’t,”

“What do you mean by that?” Emilie was fully immersed in the conversation, he was reading everything about what Elliot had to say, and do.

“Seth isn’t very strong and is also very clumsy, unlike Toby, so.. Seth wouldn’t be able to do anything without doing very much damage or hurting himself,” Elliot shrugged simply.

“Do you happen to know why Seth isn’t at school today?” Picani asked.

“Tch after Toby went missing he had his foster mom homeschool him,” Elliot rolled his eyes.

“Thank you for your time and information Elliot, you’re free to go,” Picani said softly motioning for him to leave the room, which he did, he got up and nodded, then left the room.

“Did anyone else notice the limp Seth had?” Logan questioned

“I did, but I simply wrote it off as a school injury, but from what Elliot said, it seems our dear Seth, might have hit his leg, with whatever he used to hit Toby with,” Picani said looking at Logan with a serious face. Logan liked Emilie Picani, he was probably the most professional besides Nate.

“Looks like we will be bringing Seth in for some questioning.” Nate stated.

With that, they all left the school and went back to the Foster House. They knocked on the door and this time Seth answered the door.

“Good evening, Seth, we have a few questions we’d like to ask you,” Nate said stiffly, “Show us your leg.” “Wha- Tha-That isn’t a question!” Seth cried out “Show us the leg you were limping on earlier,” Nate said. At this, Valerie was at the door wondering what was going on, but the look that Nate must have given her and the boy shut them both up. Seth looked at his left pants leg and slowly started lifting it up, there on his leg, was a large yellowing bruise. Within in moments Seth was cuffed, with protests from both Valerie and himself, he continued saying he was innocent, but no one listened and instead threw him in the cop car. Seth started crying he buried his face into his hands. As the car drove off towards MndScapes. Picani got in the drivers side and Nate got in the passenger side, while Logan climbed into the back seat and followed the cop car.

——

Taglist: Thank you @pastelvirgil for wanting to read this! Again Thank you @deverick-racoma for helping me edit. And thank you to @skylagamingv2 for beta reading!

#sanders sides #tw: death #tw: choking #tw: dead bodies #tw: murder #tw: panic attack mention

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not-poignant · 7 years ago

Note

Your thoughts on freaky Australian wildlife+sealife?

YES I LOVE IT.

I love it ALLLLLL.

Actually if you could see my bookshelves, there are so many like ‘frogs of Australia’ ‘mammals of Australia’ ‘birds of Australia’ ‘reptiles of Australia’ ‘insects of Australia’ ‘orchids of Australia’ etc. books. My house is basically a tiny Australian museum library when it comes to wildlife. I recently bought a book just on Australian Magpies by the CSIRO. It’s just like 150 pages on magpies. I’m SO HAPPY.

As for the things that can kill us, it’s funny you know, because all Australians seem to have this weird unspoken code to immediately tell strangers of all of the worst or freakiest stories we’ve ever had. Like ‘oh remember when we had that friend WHO DIED FROM A SNAKE IN THEIR BED’ or ‘REMEMBER WHEN we had that family member who got bitten by a redback and nearly DIED’ etc. Or ‘my friend got bitten by a shark’ etc. Everyone has those stories.

And it seems most Australians find strangers and immediately start talking about them. Idk what it is. Maybe we’re just that kid that really wants other people to find us cool? So we start collectively talking about really awful things while the other kids all back away with their hands up like ‘I...didn’t come here for this.’

I have those stories too. I’ve definitely been part of this bizarre trend. It’s like when you meet a Canadian and they just can’t resist telling you about their bear or raccoon or mountain lion encounters and then when you’re exclaiming in horror at bears, or protecting your bins, or how huge moose are or whatever, they then go ‘but haha it’s not like that all the time and we’re all used to it.’

The reality is that like...yes there are risks - as with any country (I’d prefer not to live in places where the main fear is guns and not fatal spiders though), but encountering them is minimal and you’re raised knowing the kinds of things to protect yourself without thinking about it. You shake your boots out before putting them not because you’re thinking ‘I’m gonna get bitten and I’m gonna die’ but because that’s just what you do. You stay on the path while bushwalking not because you think ‘shit there’s venomous snakes out there that could kill me in 1 hour with a bite’ but because that’s just what you do. It’s all very mundane and normal, and the world is built around that being easy to cooperate with.

Of course when you explain why we do these things to tourists, then they might start thinking ‘shit things are going to kill me.’ The irony is that if you just do those things - stay on the path, shake your boots out, and a few other things - well, no actually, you’re going to be fine. And if you’re staying in suburbia or the city, you’re going to be really fine.

I love our freaky wildlife. I love that we have birds (cassowaries), seashells (cone shells) and octopus (blue-ringed octopus) that are all lethal. I love that we have the weedy and leafy sea-dragons (not lethal, but weird), and like, many other strange things happening here. I love that we have trees that need to be smoked or set on fire to flower or fruit or seed, which means if you’re buying native plants for your garden, you need to check the label to make sure they don’t need ‘smoke germination’ or ‘smoking to assist with flowering’ lol. I love that we have lots of marsupials, a golden marsupial mole that lives in the sand and is blind etc. I love that we have antechinus that mate so violently they can both expect to die from the process (like what???), or our beautiful ant-eating numbats. I love that our swans are black. I love that we have whales migrating along the coast and bottlenose dolphins everywhere and incredible sea-life.

Actually back in the day I desperately wanted to be some kind of zoologist. I didn’t have the maths requirement (alas, I am not smart enough), and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life studying Australian animals (and ecosystems, and geography, and flora). Now I still study it, I just didn’t go to university for it. I’m involved in a few groups that focus on conservation, and can identify local birds by song, local plants by sight and try not to be an obnoxious little shit about it.

And yeah, I’ve looked a lot into the deadly animals too. They’re badass! :D I actually mostly just post memes about them on Facebook, and on one of my Tumblrs under this tag.

tl;dr don’t ask me about this if you don’t want me to ramble excitedly about it because I am sadly one of those people where you’ll back away slowly with your hands like like ‘whaaaaat.’ (Also I love animals all over the world so...but anyway I can’t afford to buy all the ‘reptiles of Madagascar’ books that exist so anyway, I’m learning all the time! I mean I’ve drawn over 400 animals, and that’s what my job as a professional artist was - combining practical information with spiritual shit, so at any one time I am filled with absolutely useless trivia like: ‘did you know the collared aracari is an unusual toucan in that it roosts communally/soclally throughout the year?’ like, I’m sorry, lol. I usually just keep it to myself, but you opened the floodgates! *shoves everything back in*)

From the ‘your thoughts on’ meme.

#asks and answers #personal #memey goodness #////#/////#STRAYA #i fucking love this country #it's a GREAT place to live if you're interested in biodiversity #especially the south west of western australia #which is one of the most biodiverse regions in the *world*#some sections comparable with the amazon rainforest #LOOK I"M STILL DOING IT #SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue #Anonymous

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themagnumnopus-blog · 7 years ago

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Every pedophile and every rapist should be brutally and painfully murdered. It's the morally correct thing to do

That’s your opinion and you are entitled to it. You can 100% think and say whatever you want but when it comes to damning people to death, actually enacting a death penalty for a crime. The real question is how many innocent people are you willing to brutally and painfully murder? It's inevitable that no matter what an innocent human being is going to suffer the penalty you propose. So are you comfortable with that outcome? Would you be comfortable if it was you or the people you love that died this way? Be they guilty or innocent.

So let's say you get your way and in your opinion, what 'should' happen comes to law. You have to tightly define what creates the circumstances by which a person is damned to death. Well, you're probably thinking to yourself 'duh that's obvious people raping people and doing bad things to children' but theirs where the first hurdle is you have to strictly outline the exact circumstances by which one has made themselves eligible for this death penalty. There are all kinds of people that get false accusations thrown at them. Look no further than right here on Tumblr to the people making lists of people that they are just accusing of being pedophiles with no proof. (See Aside 1) Personally, I just see those as probably what they are and assume that it is someone trying to indirectly attack someone they don't like. You need proof in absolute terms that the people you are damned to death are guilty, if you take conjecture as fact, accusations as true, there are no limits to its inherent potential for abuse. I'll give you a very good example. I simply say you are a pedo and now I guess you're getting "brutally and painfully murdered." beeeecause "It's the morally correct thing to do". I hope you see the problem there.

I'll try to make it simple, it is a very complex topic so I will do my best to to oversimplify it. All considered I don't think many people understand what makes someone a pedophile or a rapist. Most people think that wanting, thinking about or fantasizing about/to rape and/or molest, children specifically for pedophiles is the grounds by which one is guilty. That is not, however, the case. We do not police people’s thoughts or words but their actions or when possible preempt those actions. You can talk about whatever you want to whoever you want until it becomes a situation where you have undoutable intent to violate the law or have violated the law. Any adult can talk to any child but when you try to set up a meeting to violate the law you can now be arrested when you show up, you have created undoudtable intent by planning the meeting and showing up. Even then there is legal wiggle room by which one can attempt to obfuscate punishment, ‘you can’t predict the future, therefore, how could you know what he/she would have done once in the room’ but it's generally absolutely damning.

There are and should always be lines between fantasy and reality, thought and action. It is by that same coin that the person that sent me this is safe from legal repercussions for advocating for murder. Until they murder someone or are caught under a circumstance that would suggest that their intent was to murder someone they are free from legal repercussions. Law is reactionary and meant to give benefit of the doubt to the accused, that is why it is innocent until proven guilty and not the other way around. That is why rping, making statements, most forms of artistic expression, excluding photographs/video of child pornography and/or actual rape, is not illegal because there is no victim. Laws are to protect people from victimization. Everything from copy write law to industrial practice law to immigration laws to rape laws are made for the protection of people and legally defined entities. Think about any law you can that is not meant to protect a person or people, there aren't any that I know of. Even tax law protects people by defining the values one owes or what the government of your nation owes you. It's to protect you from your government coming in and saying I will now take 90% of your capital because I say but it also protects them from you failing to pay by imposing a penalty on you for not doing so. You will not, however, be faced with legal action for saying "I'm noooot paying taxes" until you have actually failed to pay at which point when the law catches you, you will face legal repercussions.

Words are not rape, thoughts are not rape, pretending to rape is not rape but actual rape is rape or undoubted intent to rape is technically rape as well. The same is true for every crime and should stay true for every crime. When a nation begins to police thoughts of its citizens and does not have to wait for action it opens up every avenue for an abuse of that power. Never try to impose on others things you would not wish visited on you.

It's the same reason I am so opposed in every measure to any change to the presumption of innocence. It opens up the system for abuse in absolute terms. The best example I can give the US, California, 'Yes means yes' laws. Under 'Yes means yes' if you are falsely accused of rape which I'm sorry to say is more likely then actually being raped, in the US at least, be you male or female you must now prove that your partner said 'Yes' and consented to have sex with you. There are two scenarios you can exonerate yourself by proving that at the time of the alleged rape you where not there and therefore could not commit the crime if it is an entirely unfounded accusation or you had what you and your partner considered consensual sex at the time but now have to prove it was consensual. I've talked to a couple legal professionals and in the second scenario, your only defense is to counter-accuse your accuser of rape. If you can't prove that the sex you had was consensually then they probably can't either and if they can they have exonerated you by admitting they wanted to have sex with you and the case is thrown out either way. Any legal system that requires that you have to make counter false accusations to prove your innocence is flawed in absolute terms.

Aside 1. Just as a public service announcement. If you think someone's a pedophile send your proof to the appropriate authorities, do not make a Tumblr post about them, especially without proof. You are insiting harassment and defaming them, defamation of character which is actually a victimization of them by you and there are legal ramifications to such actions. You are knowingly spreading misinformation if you cannot prove the allegations your leveling and even then sending a hate mob is not how you deal with them. Report them to Tumblr staff who are really good at dictating what is allowed on their platform. If they have been reported to the staff and the staff has reviewed your case against them, if they are still on here then I'm sorry but you where wrong, be a grown up and stop sending people to harass them. You were mistaken because Tumblr staff takes this far, far more seriously than anyone else. On top of them like most humans really, really not liking pedophiles it can cost them their jobs, their site, their lively hoods. They have more invested then you ever could in stopping those kind people on here. If your sending hate to people on the word of someone else demand proof of them right now and then hand over a copy to staff and if they can't prove it, stop, ask them to stop because you are wrong in every definable sense of the word.

Storytime.Now, since we're on the subject and it fits really well here. This is very important and a major reason why I as an individual do not believe in advicating for what you see in the ask above. I knew someone who spent 27 years in a US prison. That is a long, long time. They had gone to jail on a first-degree manslaughter charge, they had a rough childhood and teen years. With a lot of run-ins with the law, got in with some bad crowds in their time and at seventeen (17) they crashed their truck which killed his best friend. The truck rolled down a hillside and his friend was decapitated. Wasn't wearing a seat belt, window down, his shoulder caught the window frame and the head was removed when that side of the truck impacted the ground during one of the flips. The driver was driving drunk, third strike and that along with drugs found in the truck made a 50-year sentence. The judge was not feeling lenient. Served 27 and was out on good behavior.

That is all preamble to this. So roughly 20 years into his sentence his block of the prison gets a new arrival, prison guard gets the info, the guy who's budy-budy with him gets that info and it gets spread around. New arrival, 25 years, pedophilia. Child rapist. The first one the cell block had, had since my acquaintance had gotten in. They tortured him in every sense of the word beatings, they tied him to his bed in the night and pissed on him, my friend didn't state it but the guy was probably raped and sexually assaulted himself. Everybody in the prison block had a younger sibling, a kid of their own, or they had nieces and nephews. This man, child raping scum bag that he was, still calming he was innocent through it all. Everybody says that the only person in the prison that didn't, funnily enough, is the person I know. They owned their mistake. But the child raper didn’t and had been given an inhumane death sentence to be carried out at some point in the next 25 years, probably much, much sooner. About the time when the people in the block get bored of the game, they will kill him. Six months into it, no one was board yet. The guards didn't generally intervene either. They have children they loved, family, their own kids, etc. Midway through the month, the guy’s gone. Every body's wondering what happened to him, word gets spread around like it does. He was innocent. Wife accused him to get custody of the kids and the lawyer proved it.

The person I know had to kill people in self-defense. They had to do all kinds of fucked up shit to stay alive in the US prison system. They told me they never regretted any of it, ever. It was a requirement to live. The only thing they ever regretted was that. Everyone in the block down to the hardest of the hard regretted that he said. Doing that to an innocent man that didn't deserve it. A decade after the fact, they had been out three years when they and I were talking and that, the exact thing you suggest is what they regret. That is why I disagree with you in the strongest terms. While they may deserve it it’s a penalty that would be too easy to abuse. I hope you understand.

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avcngrs · 7 years ago

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I want to share my life story. It would mean the world to me if you read this all the way through. ♥

Dear friends,

Some people have been asking if I’m returning to tumblr and well... not exactly.

I’m actually considering deleting my tumblr. I’ve definitely moved on and realized that tumblr only worsened my depression and kept me locked up in a world on a laptop. And yes, I made amazing friends on here who helped me through some hard times. However, they’ve all changed usernames and I can’t even find them. The insane amount of hours I’ve spent on this website scares me. I left tumblr about a year ago kind of suddenly and I want everyone to know that I’m okay, maybe even better than okay. It’s been a long, hard road with medical issues and anxiety and although tumblr was an escape for a while, it left me more and more broken.

To those who have been on tumblr for years like I have, with friends and a well-established blog, this website is not where you’ll find happiness. This might sound controversial, but hear me out. Staying locked in your room away from your family and real-life friends is not healthy. Human connection is what we long for, and it can’t be found behind a computer screen.

During Junior High, I found tumblr and bad friends who led me down a path of destruction. Tumblr led me into having a bad swearing problem, which I completely regret and still struggle with. Looking back on this website, I see a waste of time and a dark phase of my life. There is so much more to life then spending hours of your life photoshopping Captain America for a blog.

If you’re depressed or suicidal relying on tumblr, I understand. If you’ve read this far I want you to keep reading, and I want to explain everything to my followers on here. Why I created this blog in 2014, what I struggled with, and I want to give you hope of how far I’ve come in my life. From almost committing suicide, I’m currently someone who has a life-threatening lung disease but has found complete joy and peace after YEARS of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. And the truth is, you can find joy and peace and love too. Please keep reading, and I pray my story of hope will encourage you. I’m terrified to post this on the internet, but if it helps one person, it’s worth it.

This is my story.

In 2014, I was in eighth grade. Like most Junior Highers, I had low self-esteem which leads to depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. This is around the time I created my tumblr. Staying up on tumblr until 3 am, I talked to strangers about my deepest darkest fears. How I felt bullied on my cheer team for not feeling skinny enough or good enough at the stunts. How my mother had become an alcoholic and now I was the adult in the household. My dad worked out of town, and I was stuck dealing with it. Being called a bitch by my mother. Walking out in the morning to see a half drunk wine glass and knowing she got wasted last night, not caring how much it hurt me. To see someone I used to respect turn to a completely different person. I still believe my mother has a bipolar personality issue but she still refuses professional help. Basically, Junior High is when everything changed and an innocent, Jesus-loving 6th grader turned into someone I look back to and see a monster. I’m scared of who I became. I was friends with people who were also lost, suicidal, and obsessed with fictional characters.

When high school started, I thought everything would be better. I’d make new friends, and things would just be perfect; high school is supposed to be the best 4 years of your life, right? Boy, was I wrong.

Yes, I started making new friends but I still had my insecurities. New people had come into my class who were prettier than me, smarter than me, and better artists. My self-esteem weakened even more, and I clung to tumblr as a “happy place.” I reached a 2,000 follower goal, was winning awards, starting my own networks, and I felt “cool” here, as a faceless blogger who could spill my problems to strangers who assured me “everything would be okay.”

Yet something happened my Freshmen year that caused me to lose my faith in humanity even more. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving break, I remember both my parents coming into my room, my mom crying and my dad looking like he was about to. I had just sat down on the floor with my backpack, pulling out my science book for homework. But I stopped in my tracks thinking, “What did I do? What did I do that would make my mom cry? Did they find my tumblr?”

It was much worse. My mom sat on my bed and said, “Molly’s been murdered.”

Molly was my nineteen-year-old cousin who lived in LA (Los Angeles) and had started with weed then graduated to cocaine and meth. My aunt tried everything. Expensive rehab in Missouri multiple times, but nothing worked. She ran away from home and started living on friends’ couches, only caring about the next high. This is someone I grew up with, who I watched choose the wrong path. That path of drugs led to her being shot in the head without motive. She was in a garage of about 12 people, sitting on a couch and chilling and someone she knew pulled out a 9mm and shot her in the head. He proceeded to put her in a trunk of a car and leave her there, the day before Thanksgiving (I believe. I might have the dates wrong. This whole period of my life is a blur). The cops only found her body because someone called in an abandoned car notice. The detectives showed up at my aunts house at 2 am that Tuesday and gave the news.

A week before I had spent Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle and my uncle had sent a message to Molly on Thanksgiving day on Facebook, saying how much we loved her and wanted her to come home.

She was already dead when he sent the message.

We expected something to happen to her, maybe an OD. But never this. My cousin’s murder broke a piece of my heart that will always stay broken. I’ll never understand why people could murder someone. (The investigation has been finished and they determined it was a homicide.) I could barely make it through a school day after that without crying. I lost what little faith in God I had left. (I go to a Christian school, grew up in the church, and was expected to be the angel child.) But after Molly’s murder, I changed.

My cussing problem got worse, and cutting myself. I have stretch marks on my thighs, so I would cut there so no one would notice the scars. And to this day, no one has.

I struggled with my emotions over the next couple months of Freshmen year, even writing an essay about Molly for one of my English assignments. In her memory, I want to tell you people to never do drugs whether they’re legal or not. Weed is a gateway drug to crystal meth and cocaine, and then getting shot in the head and thrown into the back of a car. It ruins your body and your life. My cousin grew up in a Catholic church but lost her way trying to fit in at high school and finding “friends” who gave her drugs to be “cool”. Drugs are not cool, and lead to destruction and pain and digging a hole that’s really hard to climb out of.

But I started to move on and accept what had happened. I still miss her, and wish I could talk with her one last time.

A few months later, good news came in January.

A little background info: I was born with heart issues and had my first surgery at 4 days old and open heart surgery at 3. I have huge surgery scars, but other than that you would’ve thought I was a normal kid growing up... except I could never play sports. I love love love love soccer, but my cardiologist never let me play competitively. However, when Freshmen spring soccer sign ups came around I was brave enough to ask, “Can I play?”

After a thorough check-up, he said yes.

I was OVERJOYED. This was something I never believed would happen and I was so excited to buy cleats and shin guards and get on the field and be an awesome defender.

Until my first practice.

I realized I couldn’t run. Not even one lap around the track. To this day, I’ve never run a mile. This amazing girl on my team named Emily (sweetest girl I’ve ever met) came up beside me and tried to help me learn to run. But I couldn’t breathe. I was out of breath almost instantly. I blamed my heart issues but as soccer season went on, I realized it was more than that.

I got a little playing time but I was mainly a bench warmer. I didn’t really mind. I loved the practices and pushing my body, even if I couldn’t do as much as everyone else. Some of the older girls bullied me in a way that they would scream at me whenever I did something wrong. And though I don’t use this word often, there was this one Senior who was a bitch. Even at our good Christian school. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bad-mouthing my school. It is filled with Jesus-loving people who inspire me every day, but this one chick... she needed some Jesus. A lot of the time after practices I would hold in my emotions then start crying in the car as soon as my mom picked me up. I wanted to prove to everyone I WAS strong and good at sports and it wasn’t my fault I could breathe.

Easter break we ended up going back to the cardiologists to talk about my issues in soccer. And so, he performed an echocardiogram, (which is similar to the sonogram they do for pregnancies, but for your heart) which is normal. But then he came back and did it again and again and again. About the fourth time, my mom and I looked at each other and said, “Something’s wrong.”

That day I was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension.

My life will never be the same.

In short, pulmonary arterial hypertension (PaH) is a lung disease with high pressure in the arteries around your heart. Normally when you exercise your arteries expand to let the blood flow easier from the heart and lungs. Mine don’t expand and the pressures grow on the right side of the heart which could lead to heart failure. It feels like asthma but it was way more serious. I was just fifteen, and being told I was going to die before 30.

My emotional state was shattered. I went to specialists in San Francisco and they started medication that made me feel like sh*t. I got headaches so bad I couldn’t move, and I was nauseous for hours at night but was never able to throw up. There were a lot of nights I slept on the bathroom floor. And I usually kept my issues to myself, bottling my emotions about my disease. Did I mention I started said medications a week before my first high school finals? Somehow I persevered and got all A’s on my finals. But through all this, I got angrier at God. I relied on friends, tumblr and fanfiction and TV shows for happiness. And they failed me.

I got more and more depressed, thinking and wondering how could anyone love a faliure like me? A loser who couldn’t even breathe right. I had always been a good student but with the medications Sophomore year was a nightmare. Everything was being taken away from me: my health, my body, my mind. And I couldn’t help crying out, “God, why me?”

Right before Sophomore year, I was faced with starting a new medication. One form of it was administered in a pump similar to a diabetic pump, except you keep it on 24/7. Showering would be a pain, and I couldn’t go swimming. I refused to try it. I didn’t care how bad my disease was. I was terrified of having something attached to me.

The second option was these trial pills. I would take them three times a day, 7, 3, and 10:30. So, in August 2016, I started these meds.

The side effects were horrible and torturous.

I was constantly nauseous and flushed, and could barely make it through a school day. I don’t even remember much of Sophomore year. I think my brain blocks it out. My anxiety got worse and worse and I begged my parents for a dog, a friend to help with the stress.

Like I said, I don’t remember much of Sophomore year, except for some happy parts like going to country concerts and being a cheer captain. I had an amazing “squad” of friends who stuck by me no matter what and still surprise me with Starbucks on my doorstep on bad days.

Six months passed, and we headed back to the San Francisco specialists to find out if my medications were working and if all the pain and misery and torture of the last couple months was worth it.

I had a heart cath, (which is where they put a camera through an artery in your thigh and send it to the heart to read the pressures in your lungs), and awaited the news.

Things had gotten worse.

The medication wasn’t working.

For a third time in a year, I was shattered. Would things ever get better for me? To top it off, this meant I needed to start the pump medication.

I remember asking my dad to take a friend and I to go swimming at a nearby lake. My friend actually has no idea, but that was the last time I’ve gone swimming or worn a bikini up to this day.

July 2017 I said goodbye to the life I’d known, and was admitted to the hospital for a week to be transferred to the pump. When they place the site (where the medicine is administered through a little tiny needle thing) it’s extremely painful. With my pump, you don’t change the site every 3 days like a diabetic pump. You change it when the site goes bad and you put a new one in, which gets super painful and swollen before it gets better. When I say painful, I mean I almost needed morphine once.

People always say “It’s God’s plan,” and “things will get better.” I wanted to punch those people in the face. Because I had been waiting for things to get better for a long time, and things always got worse.

Plus, for the shower I need to take them quick and cover up my site with plastic, gauze and waterproof tape. I can’t go swimming or take a bath. During the day, I usually hide my pump in my bra or jean pocket.

Even so, before Junior year I had full on panic attacks about people knowing about my pump. I found ways to completely hide it but I was still so terrified of people finding out and judging me. I don’t know what they would do, but I was so scared of being different. Not fitting in. I had to be careful about what I wore, to make sure I could hide it completely. And only a few select people knew what was really going on. Even so, I think only one person really knew about how bad my depression was getting.

Some fun things did happen last August though. My dream of going to London was granted by Make-A-Wish! As an avid Sherlock and Harry Potter fan, I was ecstatic. I spent 10 days in the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen with my mom, dad, and my aunt. I think I took over 3,000 photos on the trip. It was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever been blessed to have. A limo came and picked me up at my house and we arrived at the airport to fly “across the pond” and into a dream. Make-A-Wish is such an incredible organization because they do dream trips and wishes, and while I was in London, I didn’t feel “sick.” I actually felt fantastic, walking 20,000 steps a day, way ahead of my parents. I went on Sherlock and Harry Potter tours, and I might make a separate post about this trip if people ask. But basically, it was seriously a dream come true.

When I got home, I actually ended up adopting a border collie named Blaze, who has become my best friend. I’m still training him to be my service dog and an emotional support animal for others. He is an absolute sweetheart. He’s helped my anxiety by an enormous amount.

Regardless, I still had my fears of starting Junior Year.

The dreaded day came and I started going back to school. It was better than I thought, and I was ahead in my classes. I was brave enough to take two APs and an Honors class. I was taking my math online, and everything was going surprisingly well. No one knew about the pump.

Then I had my first site change.

I missed a week of school and got terribly behind. A week doesn’t seem like much, but it really took a toll. I got really discouraged, as my depression was still suffocating me. I didn’t do things with friends and stayed holed up. Walking my dog in the fall mornings was my favorite thing. Blaze is still one of the centers of my life and is my little sunshine.

But I started failing AP tests, and I wanted to drop the hard classes. Suicidal thoughts crept into my mind, ripping what little happiness I had away. I was scared. Not of suicide itself, but of the fact I was so close to doing it. I was scared of myself. How much I’d lost control of my body and mind. But I was scared to leave Blaze behind. That was one of the few things that kept me holding on.

One day my AP Chem teacher pulled me aside and asked what’s wrong. I told him I was tired and the usual excuses. He was one of the few teachers who knew what was going on though, medically. He asked if I had prayed about it. I said God and I weren’t really on talking terms.

And it’s true. Through all the trials I’d gone through I started to hate God. I always saw hypocrisy in Christians I knew, and didn’t really know what a real relationship with God looked like, I just knew I didn’t want one.

It was the last week of Septemeber when I really broke. I had to leave early because I was feeling sick, again, and signed out to go home. But I was so done with feeling like sh*t and not being able to make it through a school day. On the drive home I lost it.

I was crying and was a complete mess. The whole drive home the only thing I could think of was driving my car off the road and into a tree and hoping it killed me.

Somehow, I made it home that day. And the next, and the next. I was just surviving at this point, not living. I was hopeless. I didn’t believe this medication would work because it didn’t last time. I tried to focus on school and redeem my grades, practically the last thing I had control of.

A few of my teachers also kept me from going off the deep end. I had failed two AP US History (APUSH) tests and my teacher pulled me aside and said, “You’re a better student than that.” He erased the tests and gave me a second chance. I started working my ass off in that class, and now I average 95 on his tests. But without that second chance, I would’ve quit and never proved to myself I could do it.

Said Chemistry teacher was also someone who kept me from not committing suicide. He’s a very inspiring person and an absolute science genius who had gone through a life and death experience like I was going through then and now. He ended up finding God through that experience and is still alive today, teaching and preaching to my AP class. He had written a book for his kids when they grew up because he thought he was going to die. His book talks about God in a C.S. Lewis sort of story. He gave me a copy and told me to read it.

So right after my mental breakdown of driving home and almost attempting suicide, I started reading.

Please know I was scared of death on a day to day basis. When you have a terminal condition, your mind is constantly set on “deep mode”, experiencing the kind of thoughts people usually think of at 3 am, but all the time. Becuase I knew I was going to die, but I thought I was going to hell because there’s no way I deserved heaven. But I started reading this book and well...

For a fantasy book, it talks about death a lot. (Like I said, my teacher/friend wrote this when he thought he was going to die.)

“...it’s our consciousness - our ability to know we are alive - that sets us apart from the rest of creation -- a creation largely blind to its own existence... Unfortunately, however, because we have the ability to think and experience life, we are also capable of anticipating our deaths - an uncomfortable conundrum to say the least.”

This is one example of how the book addresses death, and for a suicidal person, it’s a lot to swallow. But that’s not the part that caught me.

October 4th 2017, my life was changed.

Now, I know the Bible. I’ve grown up in the same Christian school for 12 years. But I’d never truly learned to put 100% faith and trust in the Creator of the Universe.

But there were a lot of things pointing me in that direction. Nudging me back into the safety of God’s arms. But Chapter 16 of my friend’s book was the final straw.

It reads...

“What I mean is that because we can think, we all know we’re going to die, and this fact in itself robs us of much of the joy and peace we would otherwise have if our fate had been kept from us. ... There is another option, however. ... We can choose to make the most difficult choice anyone can make. ... We can choose to trust the Creator.”

The night I read that, I got on my knees. I opened a very dusty Bible and found Jesus. I remember calling out and crying “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry” over and over. I was someone who didn’t deserve a second chance after what I’ve done. I can’t magnify in words how far away I was from Christianity and how much I never thought I’d love God again.

But that night, I felt his unwavering, unfailing forgiveness. I asked for peace, and I was given peace for the first time. Complete and utter peace. It’s different than relief. It’s knowing that everything is in God’s hands and nothing I do can change his love. My anxiety and panic have left. I was redeemed through grace and blood poured out on the cross. Jesus had planted the tree that would become the cross. His love was stronger than my broken heart.

GOD TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME SO HE COULD RESTORE MY SOUL FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I HAD NOTHING LEFT WHEN LOVE CAME DOWN AND RESCUED ME.

Since that day, I’ve woken up on my knees, thanking him for my pulmonary hypertension. God grabbed my stubborn self by the shoulders and shoved me to my knees. And I praise Him for that. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts since, and have barely looked back. My life has been completely turned around.

He’s shown me needs in my community and through His provision they’ve been fulfilled.

Some things that I’ve accomplished since coming back to God:

I was Junior Princess. (Something I never thought I’d win.)

I organized a clothes drive for victims of the Santa Rosa fire in Sonoma County. (They still need prayers!)

I’ve raised money for different needs in my community, with bake sales and BBQs.

I hiked Diamond Head in Oahu, Hawaii on Christmas Day 2017. Correction: I practically ran up it. Take that, PH.

I learned how to play the ukelele, and play it whenever I need a smile and want to praise my Savior with worship songs.

I’ve made new friends who encourage me in my walk with God, not take me away from Him.

And in January, I got some amazing news.

You know my pump medication? The one I thought wouldn’t work? I had a heart cath January 27th and they’ve never seen this medication work as well as it is for me. Another miracle I don’t deserve and will always praise God for. And I’m supposed to live way past thirty. And, my doctors think I’ll be able to do sports next year. :)

Basically, I want this story to inspire you to never, never, NEVER give up. What I’ve accomplished is through Jesus, not myself. I would be nothing without Him.

There’s been really hard days, and there will still be some for the rest of my life. But if I can save just one person by sharing my story of going from suicidal to joyful, everything I have suffered through will become worth it.

I’m planning to go to college, with God guiding me. Maybe starting a church or buying a house where I go to open up as a safe, Christian place for those who need it. I want to publish a devotional book before I graduate from high school. And God had blessed me with more years on this earth than I ever thought I would have. I wake up every day on my knees because I never expected another day. I never deserved another day, yet Jesus loves me enough to give me a life full of love and hope. I’ve dedicated my life to Him through complete trust, and every second seems more beautiful. To sprint as fast as I can, feeling like my lungs are on fire and praising God because I should never have been able to run or breathe. To watch the sunset bleed across an endless horizon to the sound of rustling palm trees and waves lapping the shore.

To believe that you’re going to die, then you don’t.

This world is not perfect, but it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. And somehow, thinking I was going to die made it so much sweeter. I can sit at a stoplight, feel warm sunlight on my face through the windshield and be overwhelmed with inexpressible joy. My whole face breaks out with a smile, and the guy parked next to me probably thinks I’m insane. Some people look at the earth and say, “there's nothing good here, look at all this pain.”

Open your eyes. ♥

If you’ll allow me, I want to end with a verse.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God had been poured in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:1-5

I will be keeping my tumblr up for a little while if you want to talk to me. I also really recommend this devotional about finding your way back to God. I love you all, and a special thank you to those on this website who were there for me when no one else was. If you reblog this, it would bless me so much. Thank you.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Kris

#about me #personal #life story #please read

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