#yes a duplex can be an apartment. so long as it is not a house of its own

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

this really is the piss on the poor website huh

[dorefasolsido]

31. Layers

Layer 1: The Basics

Name: Mila

Age: 28

Birthday: 23rd July

Gender: Female

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

One younger sister.

Do you have any pets?

A cat.

Do you still live with your parents?

Not really.

Do you have any stepparents?

Nope.

How many cousins do you have?

Closest cousins, four.

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend?

Sam.

Who have you been friends with the longest?

I guess Millie from elementary school.

What do you like to do with your friends?

Go to gigs and concerts, sit in cafes and chat, travel, take walks, visit new places...

Do you have more friends online or in real life?

Now in real life. I used to have a bunch of online friends in high school though. Only one of those is still in my life, but she's not my online friend anymore, now she's a long-distance friend since we actually met.

What is a good way to make friends with others?

You're asking the wrong person, lol. I have no clue how to make friends or what I did when I made the ones I have. I'm always a bit shocked when people actually enjoy my company.

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc?

An apartment.

How many rooms are there in your house?

Two.

Is your home large or small?

Small.

What is your favorite room in your house, and why?

Hmm, probably the living room. It's the most spacious room and I spend most of the time there.

Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs?

I prefer visiting people than hosting them lol. It's a nice change of pace too.

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape?

I think so?

Can you touch your toes without bending your knees?

Yes.

Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?

Lol no way.

Can you hold up your end of a physical fight?

I highly doubt it.

Can you do any yo-yo tricks?

Probably not.

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why?

Lately, BTS. Obviously I don't know them, but I love their message and strive to be as kind, thoughtful, and caring as they are.

Who helps you maintain your sanity?

Refer to the answer above lol

Who do you go to most often for advice?

I don't normally ask for advice even when I probably should tbh. I guess if I really felt like I couldn't do without it, I'd go to my best friend.

Who knows you better than you know yourself?

I don't think anyone does.

Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked?

My sister and my best friend.

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts?

No, I love the crust. Always loved it.

Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home?

Usually I do, but sometimes we go to these big family meals and order way too much. Then we bring food home.

Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it?

Depends on the mood.

Do you read a lot of gossip magazines?

Nah, are they even a thing anymore?

Do you make friends easily?

Not at all. I'm easy-going enough, I just struggle to push past acquaintanceship into a friendship. I don't like opening up, have avoidant attachment, and generally don't come across as instantly friendly or charming. Sooo yeah, not the best combo for making friends.

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you?

Here in this flat, just me and my sister.

How many pets have you had in your lifetime?

I've had a rabbit and now a cat.

How many tries does it take you to become successful at something?

Depends on the thing, but I usually grasp things pretty quickly.

How many meals do you eat a day?

One or two.

How many people can you honestly tolerate?

Idk, I can tolerate plenty of people.

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work?

I work from home, so I just get up and grab my laptop. Sometimes I go to a cafe for a change of pace, but that's it.

How do you deal with a breakup?

I mean, you just kinda have to go through it, right? Feel what you're feeling and ride it out. I tend to distract myself, that's how I deal with all unpleasant feelings. Eventually it all dulls down.

How do you like to help others?

Hmmm well I like to listen to people. That doesn't mean I'm any good at actual emotional support or giving advice, but I can definitely listen.

How do you know when you’ve found “the one”?

I don't think it's something you know, it's more like a feeling. I don't have a really good answer to this since I haven't found the one and I'm not sure I believe in the concept either, but those times that I thought I did, it was just a feeling that this person really gets you in some fundamental way and you get them. You can be seemingly totally different and maybe even disagree on a bunch of things, but something inside just clicks.

But anyway, as I said, I might be wrong.

How do you sleep in bed?

I sleep half on my side, half on my stomach without a pillow.

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die?

I don't know. I personally hope for reincarnation and that makes the most sense to me.

What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing?

I get up and get some, nothing else I can do.

What do you eat most often?

Probably chicken in any form.

What toys did you enjoy most as a child?

Dolls, Barbies, I don't know, all sorts of toys.

What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else?

I mean, it depends. But I'm unlikely to do anything if it's two people I don't know. Unless it's like, seriously crossing the line.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out?

This sushi restaurant that I always go to, but tbh, the other weekend my sister and I went to a Korean restaurant and oh my god, it was heavenly. That one's quickly climbing the ranks.

Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area?

I actually have no clue where I can get good ice cream here.

Where did you meet your current or last significant other?

It wasn't a significant other per se, but we met at university.

Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically?

Probably at home or German class.

Where can you find the best French fries?

I don't know.

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy?

I don't remember, but I don't think my parents ever lied about any of that lol. I think they always straight up told us they were the ones buying presents.

When do you typically fall asleep?

At around 4 AM.

When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment?

Hmm Saturday, Sophie complimented my outfit.

When do you feel most comfortable?

At home.

When did you last go to the bathroom?

A few hours ago, I don't remember.

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much?

It's fun and kind of therapeutic. I don't know, I get to ask myself questions I might not ask otherwise. Helps me with bad mood. Good place to pour my heart and soul since I don't really have another outlet for that.

Why do people gossip so much?

I guess out of boredom, innate human need for drama, as a distraction, idk, plenty of reasons.

Why can’t humans fly?

Gravity.

Why aren’t you doing something else right now?

It's very late, I'm done with my work, and I just want to chill before bed.

Why is the sky blue?

Well which colour would you prefer it to be?

Layer 14: If...

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on?

Ah, what wouldn't I do... I'd travel the world. Give some to my parents and my sister, give more to charity, and idk. I don't think I'd buy anything extravagant, but you never know until you actually come into that money.

If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back?

No. I mean, what would be the point? There would be no trust there anymore, and I struggle with trust as it is. If I decided to open up to someone and let them into my life and they betrayed me, that would be it.

If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not?

I would because someone stole my wallet once and my ID was in there. They probably took the cash and threw the rest away, but getting a new ID and replacing bank cards and stuff was so annoying. No one should have to deal with it.

If you could have any food right now, what would you like? 

Chocolate.

If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day?

I mean, I don't know. There's not much I could do, so I guess I'd just take a day off and chill.

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth?

I don't remember, I think a bit before I started school or so.

Who was your first teacher that you ever had?

Mirjana was her name.

When did you first learn how to ride a bike?

Again, I was in preschool, so like 4-5.

When was the first time you had sex?

Haven't.

Did your first birthday have a theme to it?

Uhh, I don't think so. I know where they celebrated it, but I think it was just a gathering of my parents' friends and a big party that I didn't want to be a part of.

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: My best friend.

Last drink you sipped: Water.

Last time you rode a bike: A little over a month, I think. Maybe almost two.

Last time you swam in a pool: Hmm, sometime in the summer. Like, July, August.

Last person you hugged: I have no clue now tbh.

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: Blue, any shade.

Favorite Season: Spring.

Favorite Shape: Hmmm, I like spirals if that counts

Favorite Letter: K

Favorite Number: 11

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke?

I honestly don't care either way.

Movies or Television?

Ummm, movies?

Phone or Tablet?

Phone.

Fruits or Vegetables?

Fruits.

Animals or Humans?

Animals any day.

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite?

Psyduck lol

Which day of the week is your favorite?

I'm still a big fan of Friday/Saturday, even if technically now I work whenever, which means I also work weekends sometimes.

Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you?

Like, my own? Hm hm, the only one that comes to mind is my 26th birthday when Chris organized the whole surprise day for me. Half of what he planned didn't work, but it was the thought that counted lol. It was a really sweet idea.

Which holiday is your favorite?

Lately, Halloween. We don't technically celebrate it, but I'm starting to enjoy the vibe even more than the Christmas vibe.

Which shoe do you put on first?

I think right but I don't know for sure.

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love?

Dimitrije. But that wasn't love, that was a crush.

How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love?

Honestly? Never.

Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way?

Weeeeell... Not abusive, but it was a very toxic situation.

Have you ever been engaged or married before?

No.

Do you have any children?

Nope nope.

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)?

Sooo many things, but the main ones were a chocolate factory owner and a writer.

What do you aspire to be now? What interests you?

I still aspire to be a writer, and I kind of am, just not the kind I thought I would be. But I think little Mila wouldn't be totally unhappy.

What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved?

Oh, I translated a book for an actual publishing company. That will actually be published with my name on it as a translator. I can still hardly believe it, tbh. Can't wait to actually see it.

What is a goal you are still striving to reach?

I don't know. I guess I still want to be a fiction writer, but I'm not sure I can do it.

Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what?

Yeah, just school competition stuff. I was always a little nerd.

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-choice through and through.

Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what?

No. I mean, officially we are Orthodox Christians, but no, my family is comprised of atheists and agnostics.

Democrat, Republican, or Independent?

I'm not American, but I'm generally democratically oriented.

For or against the death penalty?

Against. I understand the arguments for in certain situations, but I don't see how death penalty is a proper penalty. Like, sure leading up to it maybe, but once they're dead, they're dead. There's no more atonement and no more guilt and no more anything. I always felt like it's letting them off too easy.

Thoughts on assisted suicide?

Well it's complicated and I'm not informed enough, but I can understand it in some situations.

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it?

24th October, 2023.

What’s the weather like outside?

I don't know, probably chilly by now. It's been clear.

What have you eaten?

Gyros earlier and some apples.

Did you run any errands?

Hmm, no errands, but I did complete plenty of work-related tasks.

What time is it?

2:50 AM

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift?

Not a shift, but I was working.

Did you eat out anywhere?

Nope.

Was it snowing?

Nope, too early.

Who did you last say goodnight to?

My sister.

Did anything unusual happen?

I don't think so.

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class?

No school for me anymore.

Does this day have any sort of significance to you?

Hm, no.

What is a chore that needs to get done?

I'm not sure...

Will you hang out with friends?

No, but I'll have a small coworker gathering.

What time will you be expected to be awake by?

By 11 AM.

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully?

Not a magic trick, but I know one card trick that's pretty easy to do.

Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars?

Actually yes, in Germany.

Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it?

I don't know.

Touched a snake?

Nope.

Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal?

Well, my cat playfully bites me.

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live?

Hmm, I'm not sure. I think preschool isn't because my sister didn't go, but I'm not totally sure.

Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled?

Nope.

Did you attend public or private school?

Public.

Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between?

I was in between, far from popular, but not really bullied. More like ignored.

What is the highest level of education that you completed?

MA in English.

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: Dark brown.

Hair Color: Right now, a mix of purple with a dash of brown. I need to redye it soon.

Height: 163 cm.

Weight: I have no clue, haven't weighed myself in a while. Probably between 50 and 60 kg.

Do you have freckles. moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where?

Birthmarks here and there.

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day?

Loads. I work online, I go online for fun, I keep in touch with my foreign friends online.

Which social media platforms do you belong to?

Instagram, and that's about it now. Idk if YT counts. Or Tumblr.

When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote?

No clue.

Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television?

Definitely TV.

Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books?

I prefer actual books, but I have a Kindle and it comes in handy sometimes.

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school?

Nope.

Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community?

Yes.

Are you looking forward to anything coming soon?

Yeah, the book fair, Halloween. Trip to Romania.

Are you dreading anything coming soon?

I'm slightly dreading tomorrow's work thingy, but that's just social anxiety speaking.

Are you gullible or naive?

I don't think so, but I guess people in my life should be a judge of that.

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it?

Nah. They're pretty chill about it all as long as you meet the deadlines.

Does someone currently hold the key to your heart?

Nope.

Does anyone out there hate you?

I can't imagine anyone caring enough to hate me. Well, I can actually imagine it for one person, but I don't think even she hates me. I think we'll just always be left with this weird weird relationship.

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Yes, because I don't have any real experience, plus I'm ace. And people can be so weird about both things. So I don't mention either.

Does crying make you feel less strong?

I mean, not when I'm just crying by myself. Then it's like whatever. But if I can't control myself around others, which almost never happens, then yes, I feel like a total loser.

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge?

Ooh, I just looked up what it is. We have something similar here, but I don't think I'd be particularly inclined to do it.

Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded?

Sure, why not. It's like that game we used to play as children, when one wears a blindfold and tries to catch the others in the room.

Swim with sharks?

I'd like to be in one of those cages they lower among sharks.

Go into outer space, given the chance?

Yes.

Go out in public, looking how you do right now?

Sure. I mean, I'm pretty sure I looked worse in public lol. And tbh, the wonderful thing I've realized is that no one cares and even when they do, it doesn't affect me in any way at all.

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names...

I have a cat named Lucifer.

If not, what type of pet have you always wanted?

Well I'd like an owl, but I'm okay with just a cat.

What is your favorite animal?

Cats. Like, all types, big cats, small cats, you name it.

Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals?

Yes.

How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat?

My cat lives with my parents so I don't actually do that. I think they do it very often though, because he's very fussy about cleanliness lol.

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item?

Hmm, I just like pastries and stuff. Or mini pizzas my mum makes sometimes.

What is your favorite kind of dessert?

Chocolateeee. Anything with it.

Do you eat all three meals everyday?

Definitely not. It happens sometimes when I'm at home with parents though.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without food?

I'm not sure. Not too long.

What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick?

Well I'd rather avoid it completely then.

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times?

It does sometimes, but the future is what really causes anxiety.

What is one of your favorite memories of the past?

Hmm, oh I have loads of those. But I guess I'll go with one that I can't say was too happy for me at the time, but I somehow fondly look on it now.

Basically, there was a bombing in my country when I was around 3-4 years old. Long story short, we had to hide in shelters and my dad went into the army and I think he was gone for a few months. My sister was just born at that time, only a few months old.

Anyway, I vividly remember that one day, when the situation calmed down, my dad returned while we were setting up a bed in the living room. He just showed up in the doorway, still dressed like a soldier, and I think he got quite a tan and was skinnier than before. I guess being so young as I was, I just kind of assumed he wasn't going to return ever again because I was totally confused. Mum thought I didn't recognize him at first because I wasn't immediately excited, but I did, only I was like ??? why are you here?

I don't know why I like this memory so much, but it always comes to mind for these sort of questions.

What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do?

Go to school, I guess.

If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them?

Grandma. I would like to get to know her better, she died when I was only 7.

Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out?

Middle Ages lol. I'd die immediately but hey.

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day?

Nah. Even if I find someone which is highly highly unlikely, I don't want to get married. If anything, it would be cool to have like a super close friend to live with and travel with, and everyone thinks you're together, but in reality, there's no actual romance going on. That kind of an arrangement would be totally up my alley.

Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got?

For now I'm happy. We'll see how that pans out.

What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead?

I'll be working until I'm dead one way or another. People can barely survive on the retirement in my country.

What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning?

Japan, BTS concert.

If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no?

My own future? No. The future of humanity? Absolutely.

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower?

Every day, or in the winter every second day.

How often do you brush your teeth?

Twice a day.

Do you actually iron any of your clothes?

Only my shirts when they get super wrinkly. Otherwise, most of my clothes doesn't really need ironing.

How often do you do laundry?

Hmm, about once a week or so.

How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out?

I don't know, a few times.

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails?

I don't normally. I've only done it a few times to switch things up a bit and because my sister was in the mood to do it for me.

How would your describe your sense of style?

Pretty casual with a dash of alternative.

Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing?

Well yeah, but lately I've been actually enjoying most fashion that I see.

Where do you typically buy your clothing from?

Idk, just wherever.

What sorts of accessories do you wear/use?

Only two bracelets. Plus earrings and two ear piercings.

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult?

Yees, I went a few weeks ago to this anime-themed cafe for a colouring event and it was the most therapeutic time ever.

Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc?

Not particularly.

What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself?

I'm not really sure.

Do you use Pinterest at all?

No.

What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked?

I also don't cook. But I did fry some chicken last, I think.

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here.

Tomatoes in sandwiches. People who constantly talk over others. I feel like there's something else important that I'm forgetting.

What are some things that annoy you about yourself?

Ooh, where do I begin... That I still care a bit too much about other people's opinions, that I'm a people pleaser to the max, I overthink and doubt myself constantly, I can't stick to literally any resolutions I make, and lately, I take on way too much work and then end up literally feeling like I can't breathe from the amount of tasks I need to do.

Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who?

Not really.

What is a feeling that you dislike?

Loneliness.

Do you get some ugly road rage while driving?

Nah, I'm a pretty calm driver.

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick?

Nope.

Have you ever mastered the jump rope?

I have when I was a kid. I think I could do it now too, but I'd need some practice to get back into it.

Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy?

Hmm... I think so. But I think that true happiness can only be experienced in fleeting moments. Otherwise, I can be content, but there's always something weighing on the back of my mind.

Is it winter in your part of the world right now?

Not yet.

What’s your favorite type of survey, and why?

I like themed surveys. And also the ones that dig a bit deeper.

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music?

Rock, metal, alternative in general. Lately some K-pop too.

What are some music genres that you can’t stand?

Our godawful turbo folk music. And pure techno is pretty boring too. Everything else I can vibe with.

If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see?

BTS right now.

Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time?

Yeah, in the car. But it only makes me wish I had Spotify lol.

iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube?

Spotify for sure.

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child?

Harry Potter was my all-time favourite as a child.

What genre of books do you typically read most often?

I like fantasy, horror, psychological thriller, and just bizarre postmodernist books that make you scratch your head and wonder what the hell you just read.

What are some of your favorite books as an adult?

Convenience Store Woman and The Trial.

What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed?

Lots of them, actually. But The Trial by Kafka will always be my favourite.

Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore?

Not really.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to?

Not counting Germany since I go there so often I don't even feel like it's a real vacation anymore, Lisbon. Such a lovely energy there.

Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so?

Japan.

Where do your family members originate from?

We're all from here, I think.

What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine?

Italian and Japanese. Although, as I said, Korean is sneaking up on these two...

What is something that is typically representative of your own culture?

Lol rakija, I guess.

Layer 44: Would you Rather...

Drink apple juice or grape juice?

Apple juice.

Wear pants or shorts?

Depends on how hot it is.

Be taller or shorter?

Neither, but I guess shorter if I had to choose.

Go to a zoo or an aquarium?

Zoo.

Visit an art gallery or a museum?

Hmm, art gallery for abstract art, otherwise museum.

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters?

I'm not sure, but it was probably some Harry Potter. Or LOTR, third part. I remember seeing that in the cinema.

What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen?

There are many, but Oldboy is near the top of that list.

What genre of movie do you typically enjoy?

Horror, psychological thriller, fantasy, stupid teen comedies. Smart teen comedies too though.

What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised?

Hmm, The Duff lol. During the summer in uni, I would often be alone in my flat, sit outside on the balcony, and watch silly teen comedies deep into the night. The Duff was going to be another one of those, but I ended up actually enjoying it.

How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left?

I have some DVDs at home. But I don't use those anymore, now there's Netflix.

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert.

Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal?

I think I'm pretty laid back, but I don't think I come across as such right away lol

Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness?

I mean, I try.

Describe your sense of humor.

I feel like it's a bit dry tbh. But I love puns and dad jokes as well.

Do you tend to over-share?

No, but as soon as I share anything that I don't normally share, I immediately get that omg-you-said-too-much feeling.

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion?

Elon Musk takes the cake there.

Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often?

I don't read articles about anyone, but I follow what BTS boys are up to.

Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)?

Jimin from BTS.

Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who?

Hmm no.

Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time?

I don't really hear about anyone all the time.

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried?

I'm not sure.

What are some things that you’re afraid of?

Loads of things, so let me try to find some original fear. Hmm... I'm afraid that someone I know will somehow find this blog, read all this, and recognize me lol. Also, whenever I kill a spider or a bug, I'm afraid their little friends will come for revenge.

What is something small that makes you happy?

My cat.

Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what?

I'm not sure tbh. It's been a while, but probably either with mum or with Chris because we had quite a fight this summer.

Are you typically a shy or outgoing person?

Shy.

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?

I like cocktails. And flavoured soju!

How old were you when you got drunk for the first time?

I was never drunk drunk, but the closest I've been was the team building event at the beginning of October. Alcohol definitely helped me cope with anxiety.

Do you smoke?

Nope.

Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself?

Nah.

Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones?

Only weed.

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games?

The Sims franchise, the Witcher series, Little Nightmares...

Do you have any computer games that you play regularly?

Not now because I'm way to busy with work all the time.

What was your favorite board game, growing up?

Monopoly.

How about your favorite card game?

I don't know what it's called, similar to Uno but with regular cards and additional rules.

How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle)

Not bad, I think. It's been a hot minute since I did that though.

[internerdionality]

Rules: Be gay, do crime

Tagged by @dragonmuse (amen to you, that shade of blue is fucking gorgeous)

Relationship status: married since September 2019 (we didn't know that we were bringing on the apocalypse, I swear). We had a rainbow steampunk wedding at an amusement park on top of a cliff, it was fun.

Favorite color: I'm one of those scary fanatic purple-lovers your mutual warned you about

Song stuck in my head: Ooof, that's hard, there are several, you can check out my Current Earworms playlist for all of them, but in the past few months I've been listening to a lot of Stromae and Alec Benjamin, and then of course Lover, Lover, Lover by Leonard Cohen has been stuck in my head since I wrote a fanfic to it. The verse:

He said, "I locked you in this body I meant it as a kind of trial, You can use it for a weapon Or to make some woman smile."

has been, ahh, resonating with me a lot.

Last song I listened to: Darkside by Neoni (which I started listening to cause it has a Sandman fanvid set to it, you should watch, is good).

Three favorite foods: Duck confit, chocolate truffles, and my favorite restaurant makes these french onion soup dumplings that are ama... Kkay, look, I know how this sounds, but my mother was born in France, she got me started on this stuff early. I'm not a food snob, I swear. (A food domme, maybe, but...) Look, I literally had a fast food burger with extra cheese for dinner.

Last thing I google searched: A hamentaschen recipe (I'm late this year, I know. I was on vacation for two weeks over the holiday and then re-entry was difficult so I didn't really have baking energy until this weekend). I have always been devoted to Smitten Kitchen (who has my absolute favorite challah recipe), but her pastry skills are clearly better than mine because whenever I try her various hamantaschen recipes they fall apart on me. This time I used Tori Avey's no-fuss recipe and they came out much prettier (if, yes, less buttery and flaky).

Dream trip: My college bestie and I have always dreamed of taking two or three months and doing an eastern Mediterranean boating tour. Like, get one of those big catamaran yachts and visit Italy, Greece, Turkey, Cyprus, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, Israel, and Egypt. One day when we win the lottery, right?

Anything I want right now: I'd really like a million dollars or so to buy the duplex next door so they don't tear it down and force my family to live next to a construction zone for however long (it'd probably be more than that, depressingly—housing prices are ridiculous here right now—but I imagine if I had a million in cash to put down I could get an offer approved). We just got the demolition notification about a month ago and... yeah. Gonna suck. Plus I've got ambitions of building (more of a) polyam spoonie co-op out here.

Barring that, a licensed contractor in the Denver who can build a wheelchair ramp, is willing to work with the mill levy funding process, and won't ghost me after our initial consultation would be super rad.

Per usual I blathered on here for far longer than the prompts demanded but that's me. Tagging @thetardigrape, @gement, and anyone else who runs across this post and feels like joining us.

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, August 28th, 2024.

What type of milk do you like to drink? I don't normally drink milk by itself, but if I was going to drink plain milk, then it would be whole.

Do you have a first aid kit at home? I don't.

What’s the absolute bare minimum in terms of facilities when you’re camping? As someone who used to do a lot of backpacking, I don't require any facilities. I'm even cool with cowboy camping (in a sleeping bag right under the stars) if the weather is nice enough.

How many places have you lived in your life? As far as states go, I've lived in Louisiana and Colorado. In Colorado, I've lived in a house, an apartment, and two duplexes.

Are your parents dog or cat people? Is that different or the same as you? My dad is more of a cat person. He's somewhat fearful of dogs. I think my mom is more of a cat person as well. She lives with a roommate and they have four cats and two dogs, but I believe the dogs belong to the roommate and are not her preference.

What’s your favourite flavour of potato chip? It's so hard to choose… I like jalapeno, salt and vinegar, lime, bbq, cheese, sour cream and onion…

What’s the longest your hair has ever been? How long is it now? I think the longest it's ever been was slightly past my shoulders, possibly approaching mid-back. It's very short now because I just gave myself a buzzcut.

What video games remind you of your childhood? Rollercoaster Tycoon, Children of the Nile, Mario Kart, Starcraft, Moraff Games (they had a bunch of different games - mahjong, tetris, pinball, puzzles, etc).

What does your body wash or soap smell like? Strawberries and cream.

Are there are sounds that bother you on a visceral level? There are sounds that annoy me (obnoxiously loud ads, high pitched beeping, etc), but as for something visceral…the birds at the pet shop where I used to work. One day they got to screaming and squawking so badly I almost blacked out with rage.

What was the last thing you bought online? Pretty sure it was an e-book.

Name something you always have in your fridge. Almond milk, yogurt, sriracha sauce, jalapenos, cheese…

Have you ever had to hire a lawyer? Why? I haven't.

Have you taken a walk today? Did you see any dogs? My dad and I went on a short hike at the Mountain Park. I didn't see any dogs. I saw some deer, though - not on the trail itself, but on the drive in/out as well as at the picnic site.

What vegetable do you really hate? There aren't any veggies I really hate.

Does your family have any traditions or rituals? My dad and I have some corny little traditions related to hiking trips.

If you could learn any language, what would it be? Japanese.

What was the best thing that happened today? Something that seems minor can still be awesome. Visiting the Mountain Park. The faintest whisper of autumn was in the air. It might have been subtle, but the nostalgia that overcame me was quite profound. That's one of my favorite things about nature and the cycle of the seasons - the way they evoke memories and emotions I can scarcely put into words. I was just happy to be there with my dad and to have that experience with him.

Have you ever donated money to a charity? Which one? At some point.

Did you have a large circle of friends in high school? I guess I had a decently large group of friends/acquaintances.

Would you ever get a matching tattoo with someone? My mom and I have matching tattoos, but it wasn't originally planned that way. I don't remember exactly how it went, but I got one for myself, she liked it too, probably asked if it was cool if she "copied me," and then got it for herself.

What time do you usually go to sleep? Soooo early.

Do you have a job? Not a paid job, but somewhere I basically work full-time? Yes.

What colour are the plates in your kitchen? They're not all one color.

What was the last gift you received? Easter chocolates from my mom.

What is your Chinese zodiac animal? Snake.

Are you inside right now? If you’re home, what room of the house are you in? I'm in my bedroom.

Are you good at remembering faces? I'm okay at it.

What will you do after this survey? Listen to something on YouTube until it's time for dinner.

[michaelleafer]

"Live-in Flip" Strategy, Yes or No?

Pros and Cons of the 'Live-In Flip' Strategy

Flipping houses is a clever way to turn low-cost homes into profitable opportunities. Many homes have fallen out of favor due to dated and poorly maintained features, but they still have "good bones". With a few renovation projects, each one could be an appealing home to rent or resell. While most people buy separate homes to flip, a few practice the wily art of "live-in flipping" in which you live in the home while you renovate it to minimize costs and maximize efficiency.

Are you tempted by the call of a live-in flip project? Still debating whether it's the right answer? We can help with a deep dive into the pros and cons of the live-in flip strategy.

Flipping, House-Hacking, and Live-In Flips

Live-in flip projects are where flipping meets house-hacking. House-hacking is when you buy a multi-residence property (from duplex to apartment building) then live in one unit while renting the rest. It's a clever way to reduce costs and stay close to your investment.

Flipping is fixing up a house to restore it's profitability. Live-in flipping is a whole additional level of commitment compared to flipping a separate house, while offering many of the advantages of house-hacking. Of course, there are a few things you might consider downsides, so it's important to make the right choice.

Pros of Living In Your Flip

Live-in flipping is a 24-7 renovation project. You live in the house you are renovating and it will become your world. For some people, that's a DIY dream come true. For others, it would be a nightmare. But there's no denying the benefits of live-in flipping when it comes to the finances.

Don't Pay for Housing

First, you don't have to pay for housing. You don't need to own a separate home or rent nearby, and you don't need to pay two sets of utilities to keep the lights on in both places.. There's no commute to and from your home and flip except the shuffle from your bed to the kitchen each morning, and that might be perfect for you.

Owner-Occupied Financing

When you buy a house to live in, you can get much better mortgage rates. You can place a down payment of less than 5% and often get a better interest rate. If you live in the flip for 2 out of 5 years before selling, you can also take advantage of primary tax discounts.

DIY All Night

For many, living inside a DIY project is living the dream. If this is you, then you may love a live-in flip. You can DIY all day and all night, as long as you only do quite project stages like painting and retiling after dark. Save the circular saw for daytime hours.

More Time to Make Improvements

When you live in your flip, you have more time for projects. You don't have to commute and your finances aren't limited by maintaining a second home. You can take it easy or drive yourself forward at your own pace.

Cons of Live-In Flipping

Chaos is the primary downside of the live-in flip strategy. You will be fully immersed in your project without a "normal" home to go back to.

Living in a Construction Zone

First and foremost, you will be living in a construction zone. Any major renovations will mean that your home is less than complete during your stay. The full extent of your renovations will determine just how chaotic or disruptive this experience might be. Maybe you'll love the camping aspect and have a great time, but some may be less suited to the construction zone lifestyle.

Contractor Traffic

Second, if you hire contractors they will be moving through your home whenever scheduled. This is one reason why live-in flipping favors DIY enthusiasts to minimize the strangers and work crews in your house.

No Relaxation Between Tasks

You may miss the ability to leave your flip and relax between tasks. Some people are great at watching a movie on their laptop and kicking back between DIY projects, but others need their own private space to decompress. Plan accordingly.

Finding the Right Flip Strategy for You

When deciding whether to live in your next flip, consider how the lifestyle suits your personality, preferences, and needs. Do you love adventure and camping? Do you thrive on chaos and perseverance? Are you a DIY crafter or does your flip need only a few cosmetic updates? If so, then a live-in flip might be a great way to save money on your next real estate investment project.

And if you're thinking twice about setting up camp in a major construction zone, you can always keep your dwelling separate and nearby.

Finding Tenants for Your Flip

If you have completed a successful flip and are ready to profit, Leaf Management is ready to help. We offer professional property management services to help you find and keep tenants in the homes you flip. Contact us today to learn more.

[aakashindia]

Experience the lavish lifestyle awaiting you at Aakash Riviera

Explore your prospective home through a virtual tour and get ready to embrace a fresh beginning!

Have you always dreamed of owning a stunning 3 BHK apart or a duplex in a thriving city like Dobo Jamshedpur? Well, Aakash Riviera is the manifestation of your dream. Just 3.8 km away from the Sonari airport, Aakash Riviera is giving you the high end and luxury 3bhk flats in Dobo Jamshedpur from the house of one of the top real estate developers in Jamshedpur, Aakash India.

The Scenic Beauty

If your senses are tired of the hustle and bustle of the city, if you are looking for luxury amenities harmonizing with natural beauty then owning 3 BHK luxury apartments in Dobo is the best decision you can make. We will come to the modern amenities part later, but let us talk about the abundant blessing of Mother Earth here.

Dobo is blessed with the calming Subarna Rekha River and a man-made yet serene view of Dobo Dam. Dobo is a hamlet where you can choose to live like an urban hermit. The ongoing residential project, Aakash Riviera, towering over the Subarnarekha River, will give you the perfect blend of modern amenities and the magnetism of nature.

The Amenities

Aakash India is known for assembling modern top-notch amenities for their clients. Aakash Riviera, the 4 tower project by the river Subarna Rekha is coming with 132 luxury apartments in Dobo. The complex will include a river-facing row of boutique apartments and a 3-screen gold class multiplex. Mind blown?

Well, hold your horses, we have more to tell. Aakash Riviera also has a swimming pool, Designer toilet with change room and steam room, amphitheater with lawn, gazebos and cabanas, multipurpose banquet with kitchen, card room, library room, discussion room and landscape garden. Apart from the complex also has a Mandir or temple and fragrance garden.

Connectivity

Yes, Dobo is a hamlet but that does not mean you are going to live in an off-grid detached area. Aakash Riviera is well-connected and close to all the needed facilities. This is another reason to get a 3-bedroom luxury apartment complex in Dobo.

The famous Sai mandir of Dobo is just 19 km away from Aakash Riviera. The bus station is just 150m away and Tata Nagar railway station is 8.7kms away. The area has famous schools like Loyola and hospitals like TATA Main Hospital.

So if you are worried about your family, the schooling of your kids, or the treatment of the elders, we hope, now it is resolved.

Investing in a property is a decision that needs a lot of consideration. In this fast-paced life, people are feeling the urge to leave crowded metro cities and move to comparatively calmer and nature-centric places where they can also get modern facilities. Aakash India team understood the innate needs of people and started this project. We hope that here you will get the luxury and peace you have been seeking for so long.

[uhlatcha]

A PLACE CALLED YOU - CHAPTER ONE

WATTPAD | AO3 | PLAYLIST | A PLACE CALLED YOU MASTERLIST

SUMARY: Yunho is going through a difficult time. After his roommate and best friend had to move, Yunho finds himself buried in work and studies, spending most of his time away from the empty apartment full of memories that doesn't feel like home anymore since Mingi's departure.

Tati's life was practically perfect. She was finally going to debut in her first show as an official member of the ballet company she had spent her entire life preparing to join, and that alongside her best friend. But the girl sees it all fall apart right in front of her, literally. After her apartment roof collapses while she was at a rehearsal, Tati finds herself hopping from house to house among her friends. But after discovering that it's impossible to get back the apartment that has been her home for so long, the girl realizes that maybe it's time to find a new place to be her home.

FANDOMS: ATEEZ, STRAY KIDS PAIRING: JYH x OC WORDS:1887 GENRE: FANFIC, ROMCOM, NON IDOL AU, COLLEGE AU NOTES: ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE, ANY FEEDBACKAS ARE WELCOME.

CHAPTER ONE

It wasn’t difficult, Tati had been doing it all her life, but at that moment, she couldn’t keep herself focused enough not to spoil the choreography.

It was the fifth time she and Seonghwa had replayed the same part of the first act of Midsummer Night’s Dreams, which thanks to her, the two of them hadn’t gotten right once.

Three spins and a jump lifting the leg for Seonghwa to hold. It was all she needed to do. The two were getting ready to try the move for the fifth time. Seonghwa positioned himself and Tati spun, spun, spun and spun once more, unbalancing because she realized the mistake, Seonghwa who tried to hold her ended up getting kicked in the face when the girl lifted her leg trying to complete the move and failing miserably.

‘Hwa I’m sorry.” she said, pulling away from her friend and dance partner’s arms, trying to see the damage her foot had done to her face. It wasn’t the first time she had accidentally hurt him that day. Seonghwa took a deep breath.

“Ok, let’s call it a day.” he said, looking annoyed “I’ve reached the hitting quota I can take for a day.”

“I’m sorry…I…” she started but was interrupted by Seonghwa who had sat down on the wooden floor of the studio and was drinking from a bottle of water she held out to the girl.

“I know you’re worried, you don’t need to apologize all the time.” he said, patting the girl’s shoulder.

“Yes I do, I’m ruining the choreography.” she said, sitting down next to Seonghwa fiddling with the strings on her skirt just to have something to do.

“Yes, you are.” he said with a teasing smile -But it’s okay, we still have time to get it right.

“It’s our big debut.” she said. “I can’t screw it up because I’m thinking too much.”

Tati’s head was starting to throb just thinking about the situation. She had been temporarily homeless for three months. She used to share an apartment with another dancer from the company, a duplex on top of a store so old, it ended up collapsing thanks to a pipe that burst causing a huge leak. The wedding created a huge hole in the middle of the room. Tati’s roommate ended up coming back to her parents’ house, Tati didn’t have that option, and with Chris living out of town she had nowhere to go.

So there she was, living in a hotel after tiring of living on a favor with Lia for nearly two months, with all of her belongings stored in a container in a warehouse. And all this during the months of rehearsals for her debut as a member of the ballet company she’d always dreamed of joining, that of course, if she could only concentrate enough to get the damn choreography right.

“This whole situation sucks.” Seonghwa said, bringing the girl back to reality, as if she could read her thoughts “Is there anything I can do to help? We’re in this together, remember? Do you need money? Can I talk to my parents?”

“It’s okay, I don’t need money now. I still have a fair amount saved, I just need to find a place that matches my budget to stay. Lia’s family is amazing, but I don’t feel comfortable staying there practically for free, and the deposit is so expensive if If I keep spending so much just to put away my stuff, I’ll really run out of money. But don’t worry, I won’t let it go that far. And if things get tight I’ll call Chris.”

“You should have called him by now.” Seonghwa said “I understand you don’t want to ask your parents for help, but I think you should at least tell Chris what happened.”

“He already has a lot of responsibilities to worry about, I’ll figure it out.”

“I wish I had a place of my own so you could stay with me.” he said, visibly worried, and upset that he couldn’t help.

“It’s ok.” she said, squeezing her friend’s shoulder “I’ll work it out -she said taking a deep breath. “Lia and I are going out for the weekend to look for apartments.”

At that moment the students who used the studio at night started to arrive, so Seonghwa stood up, reaching out to the girl, helping her to her feet so they could both leave.

“I spoke to her this morning and she already has a huge list of places for us to visit, I’m sure we’ll find something.” She reassured her friend as the two headed out of the studio. Delete Created with Sketch.

“I can’t believe we didn’t find anything,” Lia complained, sitting heavily next to May in Lia’s family’s pastry shop booth. She placed on the table two plates of huge slices of chocolate cake that she had just picked up from the counter.

“Let me go through the list again, you must have missed something.” May said. She was the oldest of the group but not by far the most responsible, but she was definitely more attentive than Tati and Lia combined.

Tati handed over the sheet with the address list of the apartments they spent all morning visiting. May scanned the list and the notes Lia and Tati had made next to each address.

“It’s on top of a dirty noisy bar” was scrawled next to one of the addresses. “The building is falling apart” was scrawled next to another. And so the list went on with things like “It’s tiny, it doesn’t even fit a bed”, “there’s no bathroom?????”, “Perfect but the rent costs a soul and I’ve already sold mine to the dancing gods”. May laughed at the last entry.

“Nice to see you’re at least keeping your temper dealing with all this,” May commented.

“I always preferred to joke and laugh at my own misfortune” Tati said, stirring her tea “Because if I start crying I’ll never stop.”

“It’s a good tactic,” May said.

“It’s what keeps me slightly sane,” Tati said, going back to sipping her tea.

“Are you sure you went everywhere?” May wanted to know.

“Yes, we went to everyone on the list” Lia commented, staring at the slices of cake she had brought for her friends.

“Are you sure you don’t want a piece?” Tati asked, feeling bad for her friend.

“Yes, if I eat it all goes to my thighs, which are already huge. I need to get into those damn pantyhose without difficulty.

Lia was tall and curvy. She had thick thighs and breasts that she did her best to make them smaller. She was now twenty-three and still cursing puberty for giving her such big thighs.

Tati remembered the times she had seen her friend cry and curse her own body for wanting to destroy her dreams. She’d also seen her friend skip several meals to slim down during audition periods. Tati hated that, hated seeing her friend torture herself because of unfair standards. Lia was an amazing dancer, she put her all into the dance. Watching her dance was like watching the sun shine. And yet there she was torturing herself.

“I’ll look for more ads.” Lia said, trying to change the subject.

May was suddenly quiet, staring into space, then slapped the table with a huge smile, startling the other two.

“I got it” she said as she got up and ran towards the counter. Tati turned to see where her friend had gone, then saw her stopping at the counter next to Hongjoong, who flashed a flirtatious smile upon seeing the girl, who was already in flirting mode.

“Wasn’t he in France? When did he get back?” Tati asked.

“Weren’t they over?” Lia asked, watching the two of them and ignoring Tati’s question.

“Uhum.” Tati said, still watching the two flirting softly “But it’s May, she’s his muse”It didn’t take long for the girl to drag Hongjoong to the table. She returned to sit next to Lia and Hongjoong took the seat next to Tati.

“Hey shorty” he said, pushing Tati’s shoulder with his, then turned to Lia “Lili”Lia just waved at the boy who took off his coat and placed it on the table.

“When did you get back? I thought you were in Paris! Did you bring gifts?”

“One thing at a time” he said “I came back yesterday, and yes, I brought gifts. But first what’s the news?” he asked.

“Does that friend of yours still need a roommate?” May asked bluntly.

“Sorry what?” He asked, flashing a teasing smile. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” May returned the smile.

“Come on, Joong,” she said, using the boy’s nickname to try to soften him up.

“Need a place to stay? You know my door is always open for you” he said leaning across the table to face her even more closely.

“Oh that’s very good to know” Tati was already getting uncomfortable, Lia was blushing like a tomato. “But it’s not for me, it’s for Tati. Didn’t you hear about the flooding?”

“Flooding?” he asked, confused.

“Oh yeah” Tati said, her mouth full of cake “My apartment kind of fell apart while you were in France.”

“Oh my god, Tati. Are you okay? Are you hurt? How did I not know about this?” he seemed genuinely sorry about the whole situation.

“It’s ok, my things that were saved are in a deposit and I’m staying in a hotel” Tati said “I went out with Lia today to look for something more definitive”

“But we didn’t have much luck,” Lia said, handing him the address book.

“Then I saw you coming in and I remembered you mentioned that a friend needed a roommate. So does he still need it?” May asked.

“I don’t remember mentioning that to you.” Hongjoong said.

“You didn’t comment directly, you were on the phone one day and I heard you saying: YUNHO YOU NEED A NEW ROOMMATE.”

“You’re such a nosy, why were you listening to my conversation?” Hongjoong wanted to know.

“I didn’t listen on purpose” she said “But for some reason I kept the information. And now I see it was because the universe had bigger plans”

Hongjoong rolled his eyes, May and her superstitions.

“Look… I really want to help. But it’s not that simple. I think Yunho does need someone to share the apartment with, and you obviously really need a place to stay. But Yunho doesn’t want a roommate.”

“Explain” May asked, fiddling with her coffee cup.

“It’s just that the situation that made him stop having a roommate is a little…delicate.”

Lia’s eyes widened, becoming immediately worried.

“He’s not a criminal, is he?” she asked, looking from Honjoing to May “Or a serial killer, or a pervert?”

“Of course not.” Hongjoong said, offended.

“Never mind, we will find something better for Tati, We don’t want our friend at risk and…”

“He’s nothing like that, okay? He’s a really sweet guy.”

“What’s the matter then?” May asked. Hongjoong sighed.

“I don’t feel comfortable exposing my friends’ personal lives. You don’t even know him.” Hongjoong sighed “Look, Yunho is a good person, and living with him will practically be like living alone, he hardly stays home because of work and college. If you want I can talk to him.”

Tati really didn’t want to bother anyone, she had already run away from Lia’s apartment because she felt that she had abused her and her family’s hospitality but she was really desperate, and Hongjoong’s friend seemed like a really nice guy. And well… He could still say no, but it was still her best option at the moment. So what could she do but accept?

[gatheringbones]

["At the end of August in 1981, I found myself in a small town in Arkansas, where I knew no Lesbians other than my new lover, Lynn. I wanted it that way. We were living in hiding from my armed and vengeful ex-lover who had abused me for four years and had threatened both of us with deadly harm. This was five years before the publication of Kerry Lobel's ground-breaking book, Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering. I knew I had been battered, but I did not understand how deeply I had been injured.

I only knew that I seemed to have saved my life at the cost of my sanity. I jumped at loud and not-so-loud noises. A frown from a stranger could reduce me to tears. I was afraid to bathe if I was alone in the apartment. I relived every word of every fight in relentless flashbacks. I had blocked much of the unbearable pain of the previous four years out of my consciousness at the time, in order to cope with immediate danger. Now that I was "safe" it all came flooding back. To escape, I watched TV compulsively, avoiding anything violent—nature shows were my favorites—and I read science fiction. Having lost faith in women as well as men, I was a serious candidate for a species-change operation.

Luckily, at some point in that bleak winter, I read a magazine article on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in Vietnam Vets, and I recognized all my symptoms. I had a name for my suffering, and 1 knew I was not "crazy." I'd felt so much guilt and anger towards myself for not being okay, that is, my old self, since I was "free." Now I knew healing would take time and effort, and I gave myself permission to not be normal right away. Also, seeing how much my condition resembled that of war survivors helped break down some of my denial about the hell I'd been through.

Still, I had no guidance on how to recover from PTSD. I followed only the dimmest instincts. First, I began to read accounts by survivors of any serious trauma. These people became my invisible support group. I found myself drawn especially to stories of political prisoners and concentration camp survivors. Although my experience was not like theirs, these were the people I felt would understand how my will had been sapped and my strengths twisted, how the smallest acts of resistance and mere endurance had needed all my wits and courage. Bruno Bettleheim in his chapters called "Behavior in Extreme Situations" (The Informed Heart) finally answered the question I'd put to myself every 44 hour since my escape: "How could I have been so stupid?" He made me realize that under abuse, especially the combination of intermittent threats, unpredictable violence and constant psychological torture, everyone responds differently, but everyone changes fundamentally, and everyone has their breaking point.

One day as I sat reading at the kitchen table, I looked out the window at the small yard beside our duplex apartment, and I began to imagine growing a garden there in the spring. It seemed like a highly improbable idea: the area was very small, steep, bare of everything but gray shale and orange clay, and the house shaded it part of the day. But the notion of a garden took root strongly. For the first time in several years I had something pleasant to anticipate.

I wrangled my landlady's permission to put in a garden. Then I mailed off postcards for seed catalogs. I persuaded an acquaintance who owned a truck to bring me a load of cedar slabs discarded by a local sawmill, and I used these to construct two frames, about four feet by six feet, and two even smaller ones, just three feet by four feet. By this time Lynn and I had saved enough money to buy a very old VW bug, so we drove to a nearby creekbank and filled bushel baskets with rich bottom dirt, which we dumped into the frames to make raised beds about four inches deep.

To supplement the tiny growing space, Lynn scavenged large cans from the cafeteria of the hospital where she worked. I painted them a hopeful green, filled them with soil and placed them along the sidewalk below our porch. Old-timey "Corn-row Beans," originally bred to tolerate the shade of cornfields, grew up strings tied to the roof and bore prolifically.

I didn't have much money from my SSI income to spend on garden gadgets, so I made do. I wove a trellis for my peas from six-pack rings liberated from a liquor store trash bin. (I can testify that this plastic never biodegrades—the pea fence survives to this day.) I got some more bushel baskets from the local grocery, painted them with non-toxic preservative and lined them with garbage bags after snipping a few drainage holes in the bottom. Placed around a small stone patio above the garden, these became containers for large plants.

The garden rewarded me before the first mouthful of early spinach was harvested. It moved me out of the gloomy apartment and into the sunshine, watering can in hand. It motivated me to interact with people and to occasionally risk asking for help. I found out they would usually say yes. My attention was now focused on the future, not the bitter, unchangeable past. At night when the flashbacks threatened to roll, when I dreaded the dreams I might have, I put myself to sleep with 45 detailed plans of my next crop rotation. I found out I could learn a major new skill, a little at a time. I could do things right, even come up with ingenious solutions to seemingly impossible difficulties. And when I did things wrong, plants were most often forgiving. The plants themselves were a tremendous source of inspiration. Talk about survivors! They defied every book written about their needs, often thriving with too little sun, too little water, and too little soil. At the end of a year, I could easily stick my shovel in the dirt up to the hilt, where only four inches of top soil had previously existed; compost and the action of the roots had created friable loam out of shale and clay.

When I experienced failure with gardening, it was never the kind of disaster I'd grown to associate with mistakes. We didn't go hungry, because other crops outstripped our expectations. My lover didn't beat or berate me, but sympathized and helped. The garden was important to us economically, because we'd both lost almost everything we owned in our escape. Luckily, in southern Arkansas, it's possible to garden yearround. The garden gave me precious, desperately needed tastes of success. Disabled, unemployed, I still felt like an important contributor to the household. I even had food to give away sometimes, and that was a delicious feeling.

Gardening was not the only factor in my recovery, but it was an important one. I didn't grow up with abuse, but battering and similar traumas can expand minutes into hours, years into decades, until four years feel like most of a lifetime. At the end of a year and a half of gardening, I no longer felt as if I'd spent the majority of my life in a battering situation. Healing had acquired a new definition for me: I didn't insist on having the old me back; I'd mourned her long and well. I accepted the fact that some injuries are too severe to be made whole, that I might never be the same again. But I began to actually like and trust the me I am now, scars and all. As my garden taught me, I must make do with what I am. I have discovered that my flaws are not fatal and my successes are greater than I'd hoped for. So far I have not gone hungry, and I even have something to offer."]

Amy Edgington, Gaining Ground, from Garden Variety Dykes: Lesbian Traditions In Gardening, Herbooks, 1994

[headheartbellarke]

LIGHT A FIRE IN MY EYES | Owen Patrick Joyner

PAIRING(S): Charlie Gillespie’s sister!Reader x Owen Patrick Joyner

WARNING(S): fluff, angst

WORDS: 3.4k

SUMMARY: where Y/N is charlie gillespie’s sister, and while living with him and owen, unexpected feelings rise up. (im so bad at these)

READER’S POV

    A rhythmic knock on my bedroom door breaks me out of my trance. I push my glasses further up my nose and close my physics textbook, dropping my pencil between the pages to bookmark it. Pushing myself off the chair, I stretch my arms above my head – I’ve been sitting at my desk for about five hours now, trying to revise everything for my exam tomorrow. I walk over to my door, and unlock it, and I’m greeted by my brother, Charlie. He takes in my appearance and frowns.

     “I thought you were still sleeping. When did you get up?”

     “Uhh…” I trail off, looking behind me at the clock mounted on the wall opposite to me. 10:30 AM.  “About 5, yeah.”

    I turn back and notice my brother widening his eyes. “Are you okay, little one?”

    I’m not a morning person, under no circumstances ever. Growing up, I’ve always been the last person to wake up – Charlie being the first. So, I guess it’s awfully unusual for him to hear this.

     “This is college, honey. You wouldn’t know.” I shrug at him and he grins. I’ve always hated the fact that he got a free pass from college, since he’s an actor.

    That is also the reason why he’s here. We grew up in Canada – Charlie, me, my two other older brothers and my twin sister Meghan. Growing up, Charlie, Meghan and I were inseparable – since we’re closer in age – Charlie’s only two years older than Meghan and me. But I had to leave home for college – I got into Caltech, and that was not an opportunity I was about to give up, even though Charlie protested so many times that I’m apparently the baby of the house and I shouldn’t go to another country alone.

    Now, he’s living with me – he is shooting for his show, Julie and The Phantoms (proud sister, here), and they have a couple of scenes and some recording to do in LA, so he’s staying in my apartment for a week, along with his friend, co-star and roommate back in Vancouver, Owen. Previously, they lived with me for more than a month when they had to go through musical bootcamp or something for the sake of the show. (So proud.)

    That was also when I’d developed a massive crush on Owen.

    Charlie was living with me for a good two weeks when, one day, he took me out to meet the rest of the cast. (Who were all lovely, by the way.) On the drive there, he told me that Owen had been living in a hotel since he’s originally from Oklahoma, and that Charlie’s thinking of asking him to come live with us, if I was okay with that. Of course, I had said yes. I had ample space in my duplex apartment and living alone is boring. So, Charlie introduced me to Owen and we immediately hit it off. Of course, I thought that he was incredibly attractive when we met. But I meet a lot of attractive people at university.

    Then, we started living together, and I realized how amazing Owen actually is. He’s an absolute dork – but he’s also funny, very kind, thoughtful, compassionate, altruistic and so, so nice. Both of us have a lot in common, and there’s always been this unsaid, unacknowledged chemistry between us that a lot of the other cast members had picked up on. (Not my brother, though. He would have killed Owen.) We had so much fun when we were together – he turned everything into an adventure. The best part was that I got to be myself, completely, whenever I was around him. I got to talk about whatever I wanted with him – he never, ever judged me.

    Before they went to Vancouver when production for the show began, we had a last night out with the rest of the cast and a bunch of family members – except the kids. We went to this bar near my college. I was so, so drunk and then I suddenly started feeling queasy and Owen offered to take me home since Charlie was in the same position. There was so much traffic and Owen and I kept singing whatever song was on the radio to pass the time – LA traffic – when we were both leaning across our seats and we started kissing. I remember feeling like I would burst from the happiness and the softness, the affection, the admiration that he had in his eyes when he looked at me.

    Of course, I fell asleep pretty soon after the traffic dissipated and woke up next morning to find him packing for his trip. That was when I’d realized that no matter how much I liked him, we could never be together. First of all, long distance relationships almost never work out, and secondly, he’s my brother’s best friend. That was why I chose to just give him a quick hug goodbye and head to college – without even bothering to drop them off at the airport, or even talking to him.

    He texted and called a couple of times after that, too. But I never responded, never even opened any of his texts – because I knew that once I do that, I would definitely call him. That went on for a week, and the only time we spoke was when he’d texted me from Savannah’s phone: why are you ignoring me? I texted back all the reasons why we couldn’t ever be together, and I didn’t hear from him for another week, until Charlie called me the day before yesterday, telling me that they have a couple of scenes to do in LA, along with some recording stuff, and they’ll stay with me for a few days. I had to approve, or else Charlie might figure out everything.

    They arrived yesterday, and I think that I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring him so far.

    Charlie’s voice breaks me out of my train of thoughts. “You have exams or what?”

    I nod. “Applied physics, tomorrow. Are you going out?” I ask, pointing at his dark blue jeans.

     “Madi and I are writing this song together. You’ll love it.”

    I smile at him. “If I’m not the first one to hear it –”

    He hums, a chuckle escaping him. I lean against the doorframe, as he continues, “Owen just woke up. He doesn’t start his scenes until tomorrow, so I told him to take care of you today, while I’m away.”

    I ignore the way my heart skips a beat at the mere mention of his name and flatten my lips. “I’m 19, Charlie, I can –”

     “Take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I don’t care.”

    I roll my eyes, and playfully shove him forward. He stumbles a few steps backwards and furrows his brows at me. “Ouch!”

     “Are you taking my car?”

    He nods. “Where –”

     “In the magnetic key holder on the fridge.”

     “Okay, sis.” He smiles at me, leaning forward to ruffle my hair – which makes it even messier than it already was. “Go away!” I grumble, trying to pat his hand away. “Never!” He calls out, turning toward the kitchen to grab the keys.

    I shake my head and laugh. “Love you!”

    He shouts back, without looking behind at me. “Love you most!”

****

    The delicious smell of pancakes reminds me of the fact that I haven’t eaten since last night. I drag my feet to the kitchen, mentally preparing myself for the person I’m about to encounter in there.

     “Uh, hi…” I hesitantly call out, entering the kitchen – and notice a very shirtless Owen, with his very shirtless back turned towards me. He turns around at the sound of my voice, and a few strands of golden blonde hair fall across his eyes. I long to reach my hand across and push those away.

    Instead, he himself does that as his eyes flit over me, and a look of pain flashes through his eyes. I hate that I’m the cause of that.

     “I was wondering how you would ignore me when we’re living in the same apartment.”

     “I deserve that.” I walk over to the stove to stand beside him.

    He ignores me and goes back to flipping golden brown pancakes which smell amazing, but all I can focus on is the curve of his back, the hollow space between his collarbones, and the way his hands grip on the pan a little too hard. I feel a warmth course through my body and find myself missing the way he used to wrap his arms around me from behind in the mornings when Charlie was still asleep.

     “Owen,” I whisper, and he inhales sharply at that. “Please. I don’t want things to be like this – I don’t want us to be like this.”

    He uses his spatula to lift the pancake and puts it atop other pancakes on a plate beside the stove and turns it off. He turns around to face me, biting his lip and I think I just had an aneurysm because of the intensity of his gaze.

    He sighs, leaning against the counter. “Y/N. You made it pretty clear that there would never be an ‘us.’”

     “I know. But we can still be friends, right? Like we were before… everything.”

     “See, that’s the thing. I can’t. Y/N, do you have any idea what you’ve put me through for the past two weeks?” He snaps.

     “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?” I reply, hotly. “Owen, it broke me inside to ask you to stay away. Do you have any idea how much I care about you?”

     “No! I don’t, because you don’t talk to me, Y/N.”

     “I told you, there is no point in doing long distance –”

     “That’s bullshit, Y/N, and you know it, too. I think you’re just too scared to be with me because you think that I’d break your heart, leave you alone or hurt you. But that’s the thing, Y/N – I won’t do any of that to you, because that’s exactly what you’re doing to me.” He crosses his arms across his chest.

    I breathe out shakily, running a hand through my curls. “That’s not true –”

    Owen scoffs. “Please, Y/N. I know you.”

    I lower my eyes from his because I can’t handle the way he’s looking at me.

     “Y/N, do you know how fucking hard the past week’s been for me? I can’t even talk to anyone about it, because the only person I wanna talk to is your brother and we all know what will happen if I do that. He’s my best friend, and I’ve been lying to him for weeks, pretending that I like this hairdresser, when in reality, I’m head over heels for his sister. I can’t tell him that I can’t stop thinking about her, and that she’s the only person that can calm me down when I get anxious on set. I can’t tell him that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and it’s killing me inside to not talk to her!”

    He finishes, breathing out heavily. I look at his eyes and notice that they’re gleaming.

     “Wait, what hairdresser?”

    He scoffs, annoyed. “Seriously, Y/N?”

    I shrug and breathe deeply, trying to stop myself from taking his hands in my own. “You know, there are so many guys at school that ask me out, but I can’t go out with any of them, because guess what, they’re not you. I like you so much, Owen, so, so much, but I can’t do anything about it – because you’re right. I’m scared. I’m terrified that you’ll leave me, because I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a really long time. I’m so scared that one day you’ll wake up and realize that I’m not who you want anymore. I’m scared that maybe you’ll hurt me or meet someone else in Vancouver. I’m scared about so many things because that’s exactly how much I care about you, Owen!”

    I take a step further and we are standing mere inches apart. I can feel him breathe out raggedly and see the curve of his nose and his darkened eyes flickering to my lips.

     “I would never, ever do that to you, Y/N. You mean a lot to me. Please, please believe me.” He whispers out, and I tell myself to stop, to turn back, to go into my room but instead I just stand there and watch him exhale out, and I know he’s feeling anxious. I lift a hand to his face and cup his cheek in the palm of my hand and he leans his face onto my hand, resting his right hand over mine. The gesture calms the both of us down, and I know, in that moment, that I believe him. That he, us – is a risk worth taking.

     “Your hands are so cold.” He whispers. I nod. “Yours are warm.”

    Both of us stand there, in the kitchen, trying to make sense of what just happened – trying to hold on to this moment. A silence engulfs the both of us, as I sort through my thoughts.

     “Owen,” I whisper. He flicks his eyes to mine. “Promise me you won’t do any of that.”

    He raises his left hand, jutting out his little finger. I raise my other hand too, and he wraps his little finger around mine and whispers back, “Pinkie promise.”

     “Okay.” I whisper, neither of us daring to uncurl our fingers or look anywhere else.

     “Promise me that you wouldn’t leave me for some future tech billionaire.”

    I scrunch my face up at that. “What? No!”

     “Promise me you’d call –”

     “Every single day, Owen. You too.”

    Both of us nod together, and he lifts his other hand to tuck a curl that had previously escaped from my actually-messy-and-not-cute bun. “You’re so beautiful.”

    I smile, and a tear escapes my eyes – Owen rubbing it away with his thumb. I lean forward, standing on my tiptoes and rest my hands against his bare chest for support as I press my lips to his. He smiles against the kiss, and I feel as if a zoo has gone wild in my stomach. I feel warmth and happiness course through my veins as Owen deepens the kiss, the intense longing in the both of us for each other clawing its way out to the surface. It’s almost as if I’m drinking water for the first time in a week. He tastes like banana pancakes, chocolate syrup and everything good in the world. I press myself against him, wrapping my arms around neck while he does the same around my torso. It frightens me a little how well our bodies fit against each other – but it makes me feel strong knowing that I have an amazing person who genuinely cares about me.

****

CHARLIE’S POV

    Charlie unlocked the door to his sister’s apartment, mentally noting to remind her of the fact that her car desperately needs a wash. He enters the foyer, and drops the keys in a bowl, kicking off his shoes.

    Suddenly, he pauses, noticing how incredibly quiet the apartment is – which is unlike Y/N. She always has music blasting or the TV running – she hates the quiet. He quickly walks into the living room and almost screams in surprise.

    His little sister and his best friend are curled up on the sofa, their backs towards him. Y/N is lying on Owen’s chest and she has an arm wrapped around his torso while Owen’s arms are interlocked at the front, holding her against his body. Their tangled legs peek from underneath the quilt that Charlie and Y/N’s mother knit for her youngest daughter last Christmas. She laughs at something that Owen whispers into her ear, and he presses a kiss to her forehead, and they look at each other with so much adoration that Charlie has to look away.

    He sighs, mentally cursing himself for being so, so stupid. How could he have ignored the signs? Charlie remembers Y/N and Owen meeting, both in a daze, both smiling a little too much and Y/N walking with a skip in her steps. He remembers them talking for hours on end, binging Brooklyn 99 on weekends, and always hanging out with each other whenever they went to the same parties. He remembers that morning three weeks ago when he’d woken up late, and gone to the kitchen only to find the duo springing apart from each other, both erupting in a flurry of coughs and laughs, as if he’d just walked on them robbing a bank – Owen had explained that he had apparently broken a glass. He remembers the way Owen would look at her, as if she had just done something miraculous. He remembers the way Y/N would look at his best friend, as if he was made of everything good in the world.

    Most of all, he remembers how Owen sulked whenever he was alone back in Vancouver. He remembers how Owen constantly declined to go out with that cute hairdresser. He remembers how Owen sometimes seemed out of it. He remembers how Owen would sprint whenever Charlie called his sister. He remembers how Owen would keep checking his phone every few minutes in between takes.

    Charlie also remembers his sister asking about how Owen is when they talked on the phone, and how her voice seemed like she was asking something that was forbidden, something that was evil. He remembers how she would always hang up the phone whenever she heard Owen’s voice. He remembers her always declining his invites to go to Vancouver.

    How could he have been so dumb? The signs were right there. He lived with Owen, for god’s sake! Charlie feels an array of emotions. He’s always hated Y/N’s choice in men, despised anyone putting their hands on his baby sister’s body.

    But, to see them like this – to see Y/N look so safe, so comfortable in Owen’s arms, he can’t help but feel relief flood into his system. Because he knows his best friend, and he knows what kind of person he is. And now, he thinks just how much sense they make together. Sure, Owen is kind of stupid, reckless, impulsive, and clumsy – but so is Y/N – well, she’s not stupid, he thinks. She’s the smartest person in their family. But she has a fire within her – and his best friend matches that fire. Charlie thinks of the fact that they complement each other so nicely, both are caring, passionate, and kind-hearted. Of course, they would fall for each other. It just makes so much sense – they make so much sense.

    Still, Charlie feels hurt that neither of them bothered to tell him about it. (even though he won’t admit it, it’s understandable, really – considering the way he’s bugged his sister about her previous relationships.)

    He clears his throat and the duo on the couch jump apart, both flushed and with their eyes widened. Owen stands up, moving away from couch, while Y/N looks at her brother as if he’s a ghost.

    A silence falls over the apartment. Y/N finally says, “How’d you – how’d you get in?”

    He shrugs. “I had a spare key.”

    Owen looks between his girlfriend and his best friend, with widened eyes. “Charlie, I’m so sorry –”

    Suddenly, Charlie laughs, swatting at the air. “Pfft. You think I’m gonna be the weird brother who kills his best friend for dating his sister? Come on, this isn’t a TV show. I’m actually really happy for you guys – I ignored all the signs these past weeks, but I see them now. Of course, it’s really weird for me, but I love the both of you so much. Owen, relax, I’m not gonna kill you. Dude. Just don’t kiss or anything in front of me, cause that’s gross. Ew. You know what, don’t do that at all. And I’ll kill you, Owen, if you ever hurt her, I swear. I’ll put poison in your waffles. I just don’t understand why –”

    Charlie is cut off by his sister tackling him in a hug. He wraps his arms around her body, as she whispers, “I love you, big brother.”

    He murmurs, “Love you most, little one.” He catches Owen’s eye who looks at him with gratefulness and a little smile.

 **** 

READ ON AO3 WITH OC!

drop an ask or a message to be in my jatp taglist!! requests also open <3

[suckitsurveys]

Do you have a common first name?   It’s more common now than it was when my I was born. I never met another Hannah until high school.

Do you like your middle name or your first name more?   I like them both but I wouldn’t want to go by middle name.

What year would/did you turn 21?   I turned 21 in 2010.

What was popular when you were a kid?   Barbies, Beanie Babies, jelly sandals…< we were kids at the same time so yeah.

Do you wear more rings or necklaces?   Necklaces, but if my wedding and engagement rings fit I’d wear those every day.

Have you ever been engaged?   ^

Can you see your veins through your skin?   In certain spots, yeah.

Do you have a certain song you sing aloud often?   Tons. Tik Tok has ruined my brain haha.  

Do you concern yourself with what’s in?   I mean, I usually keep up with stuff because of Tik Tok haha.  

Do you worry about having good grammar online? I don’t worry about it, it just happens naturally?

Do you know anyone with a lazy eye?   Yes.

Did your parents let you have pets when you were a kid?   Yeah, not til I was 8 though.

Would you rather live in an apartment or a duplex?   Neither.

Have you ever seen Boondock Saints?   No.

Do you like spicy chips?   Yeah. 

Do you have any ‘different’ keychains on your keys/purse?   What would be considered “different”? 

Do you collect pins?   Sure.

What band was on the last band t-shirt you wore?   Fleetwood Mac.

Do you wear more pink or yellow?   I guess technically Yellow. I have a yellow purse and a bag with yellow sunflowers I carry to work daily.

What’s the last movie you watched at a friend’s house?   The last thing I watched at house that wasn’t mine or my family’s was a John Mulaney stand up special at Sarah’s house in Boston in August.

Have you ever been out of the state you were born in?   Oh yes.

Do you have any tattoos on your arms?   Yes.

Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat?   I have a black cat! Her name is Friday the 13th.

When was the last time you felt jealous?   I mean, I am jealous of people who own pools.

What’s the last thing you bought besides food/drink?   Jojo Siwa tickets lol.

What album is the last song you listened to from?   I forget what song I listened to last.

Do you know what the word lumiere means?   Isn’t it “light” in French?

Do you own a tea pot?   Yes, and an electric kettle.

Who scheduled your last doctor visit?   I did.

What’s the last video game you played?   It’s been a while. I’ve been thinking of getting a switch though. I wanna play animal crossing.

Do you have anything on your wrists right now?   Aside from a tattoo, nothing. I had a hair tie but I just put my hair up a few minutes ago.

Do you have any holiday theme’d socks?   Yeah, several.

What kind of accent do you have?   A Chicago one.

What’s the last funny movie you watched?   I haven’t watched a movie in a long time honestly.

Can you remember your parents’ birthdays?   Yes.

Is there anyone who you just absolutely cannot STAND being around? YES MY FUCKING BROTHER IN LAW.

What is the design on your shirt?   I don’t have one. I am wearing an olive green shirt and a grey hoodie.

Do you know anyone who just flat-out fails at life?   Uh huh.

Are you a Ghoulscout?   I’ve never heard of a Ghoul Scout, that’s really a thing?

Do you know someone who’s just always wrong about everything?   Yes.

Do you make fun of people often?   We all have our moments.  

Do you read your friend’s surveys?   I keep up with a couple people on here.

If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you pick?   More bats surrounding the bat I already have.

How do you feel about band tattoos?   I’d like one for Vampire Weekend.

Do you know anyone with a glass eye?   I don’t think so.

How much are you willing to pay for a pair of sunglasses?   No more than $15

Did you have a GI Joe when you were a kid?   No.

What is the origin of your last name?   Czech.

What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex?   Eh.  

What brand of hair dye do you prefer to use?   Pulp Riot/Privana Vivids or whatever it is.

What county do you live in?   Cook.

Did/do you ride the bus to and from school?   In elementary I would usually get driven to school and take the school bus home. In high school I’d be driven to school and sometimes would take the public bus home.

Do you prefer beef, chicken or steak?   Chicken.

What is your salad dressing of choice?   Bleu cheese or creamy garlic

Do you know anyone who’s a really funny type of weird?   Sure.

Do you make faces at certain people?   I mean, I have? It’s not like a thing I do?

Is there something you won’t let one of your friends live down?   No.

Are you any good at applying make up?   No.

Do you know anyone who’s hair looks like a wig?   No?

Do you misuse commas?   No.

Have you ever bitten your dentist?   No.

Are you someone who likes to make simple things difficult?   No?

Who makes you laugh the most? My husband.

[prolestariwrites]

Open For Me [5]

Fandom: Devil May Cry Characters: Vergil/Reader Tags: Explicit sexual content, First time, First love, Violence, Death, Implied dubcon, Implied drug-induced sex Rating: M Part: 5 of 5

Summary: Vergil's life has been difficult as far back as he can remember, until he meets a young woman who saves his life. Can she save it again when he learns the truth of who he is, and bring him back from a dark and dangerous fate? A five-part story of pre- and post-canon Vergil.

A/N: Thank you to everyone for reading and to my friends @wordborne and @solynacea for their feedback. Please enjoy the final part.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Be gentle with me, for my heart hides so many wounds that never bleed. —Alexandra Vasiliu

There is a man who sits on the bench in the park across the street from your house. That in itself is not terribly strange: the homeless often find refuge in the public space. And he certainly seems homeless, draped in dark clothes that are little more than rags, his posture drawn in as if to hide.

You wouldn't have noticed him at all if it wasn't for the feeling he gives you when you walk by. Something familiar, maybe his shoulders, maybe his hands. It isn't unease, but the opposite: a driving curiosity to find out who is underneath the fabric. You don't see anyone anymore, not really, not since Vergil had left. He had been the only person you ever trusted, and that had been a mistake.

So you don't dare to ask or to offer. You watch him from your window, as he sits day after day. No one even seems to see him there, not even a cop as he strolls by. You start to wonder if he's just a figment of your imagination, until you hear his voice.

You are at your door, keys in hand, checking the mailbox when you hear one word: "No."

Coldness douses your spine and you drop the envelopes on the ground. You are afraid to turn around, not of him, never of him, but afraid he's not really there. It has been so long since you heard that voice, more than two decades, but at once you are a girl of nineteen desperately in love with someone who does nothing but lie. Tears blur your vision as your mind pleads with your body to turn around and look. Just look.

Slowly your head turns. Someone had offered him a bottle of water, and rebuffed they are now moving on. The figure settles back into itself, and your hands are trembling as you stare, waiting for more. But he does not speak again.

A minute slips by, then another. Does he see you? Why is he here, on that bench, that fucking bench outside of your house? You had left the apartment as soon as you were able, moving into this house in the city, the top half of a duplex you bought when the owner died. How did he know, how did he find you? Did he find you, or is this the biggest cosmic joke of the universe? Because you never forgot him, never moved on, prayed for days and nights he would come back until the pain of losing him turned you into stone.

Your feet are moving and you are halfway across the street before you notice. A car blares its horn at you, jolting you back to reality, and you dart to the sidewalk. The figure hasn't moved, not even when you were nearly hit. It can't be him, he would have moved, he would have saved you.

You approach slowly until you are standing in front of him. You realize your purse is gone, dropped somewhere, but your keys are still in your hand, like a weapon. Your eyes dart to the side and you note there is no sword. You can still remember the diamond pattern of the hilt, could draw it in your sleep.

Drawing in a shaking breath, you feel your lip shaking. "Vergil?" you whisper.

There is no answer, not even a movement indicating he had heard you. You swallow painfully, still waiting. "Vergil, is that you?" you ask again, a bit louder this time.

Slowly he stands. You step back, shaking now, his height so familiar that you let out a soft sob. "Vergil?"

"Do you know where it is?"

Blinking rapidly, you shake your head. "What?"

"Do you know where it is?"

His voice is different. Maybe this isn't Vergil? It's harder, rougher, like broken glass.

What has happened to him? "Vergil, come with me. Let me… I live right over there." You reach out and tug on his sleeve. "Vergil, please? Let me help you."

You pull harder and grab his hand. With a gasp you feel it is cold: cold as ice, his skin like stone, and when you look down you must swallow against the sight of gray skin that is cracked and broken. You remember so vividly that night in the kitchen when his face and arms had healed from an attack; in the years following, you had turned this over again and again, realizing he had never once been sick or hurt, no cuts or colds, no flu, no headaches. Demon prince, he had said to you, and some part of you had started to believe it, impossible as it is.

He snatches the hand away and turns. He moves quickly down the street, so quickly that it doesn't register for a moment. "Vergil! Wait!" You take off after him, tears blurring your vision as you try to keep track of the dark fabric. At the next intersection, the light turns green, and he disappears.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

You almost ignore the knock on your front door, frowning at the clock. Nothing good ever came after 9:00, that's what your mother always used to say. But when it comes again, firm and insistent, you put your book aside and pull the blanket around your shoulders, cautiously opening the door with the chain still on.

At first you don't recognize him. You frown and take in the tall build, the angles on the handsome face, the dark coat. But when he shifts and you see the glint of his blue eyes and the silver color of his slicked-back hair—silver, not white or blond, he had scolded once—you let go a gasp. "Vergil?"

He doesn't answer, but he doesn't need to. Your fingers fly over the locks until you can swing the door open wide, your mouth open as you stare. It's him for sure, just older now, a bit more… tired? You remember the cold, gray stranger from years ago, but this person is more like the boy you loved in your youth. Something wells in your throat, still filled with disbelief. How long has it been? How many years?

"It's been a while," he murmurs, and the sound of his voice makes you shiver.

"A while," you echo.

"You remembered."

Shaking your head, you say, "Of course I remember you."

"Can I come in?"

You blink, nodding, and step aside. Vergil's eyes sweep through the room as you replace the locks, and you realize how little has changed since he last stepped foot inside your home. A new ottoman, a couple of throw pillows, but other than that it is the same. The only thing that has changed, in fact, is you.

Wiping your hands nervously on your jeans, you ask, "When did you…?"

You don't even know what you are asking, but Vergil still answers. "Two days ago. I had some business to take care of, with my brother."

Your hands clench at your sides, the ease in his voice making the hair on your neck stand on end. "Business with your brother?" you hiss. "You've been gone for years! You left me! And that was you on the bench, wasn't it? That was you, after all that time, you came and sat outside of my house just to go again! Why? Why are you doing this?"

It actually looks like that got through. Vergil blanches, just slightly, and without asking he sits on the couch. His back is straight and he unbuttons his coat, the air of formality only stoking your anger. You've seen him hurt, and sick, and nearly half dead, you've heard him moan and cry and laugh with tears in his eyes. And he wants to sit on your couch as if he's a visitor from the local church making a social call?

"Vergil," you snap, moving in front of him with arms folded. "Tell me the truth."

"The truth." It's his turn to echo you, and to your surprise he reaches up and takes your hand. The little bit of affection catches you off guard, and all you can do is watch his thumb stroke the back of your hand, and remember. Vergil, sitting up late at night, reading books yellow with age as you dozed next to him. Listening to him talk about the places you would visit together, trying to picture him as you could never see yourself. Running his hands through your hair as he talked of his plans, the spark in his eye so lovely that it helped you ignore the lies on the surface that left you so unsettled at times.

You try to tug your hand away gently, but he holds firm. "I owe you an explanation," he says.

The laugh that huffs out of your throat is quick and humorless. "You owe me more than that."

Vergil glances up, and you see there is something different. A part of him you haven't seen since you were barely adults, something that is warm, something you stopped associating with him. "You're right," he answers.

The confession, as small as it is, catches you by surprise. "Since when are you so self-aware?" you say before you can stop yourself.

But he only shakes his head. "This feels strange," Vergil murmurs. You frown as he continues to stroke the skin of your hand, but his expression is thoughtful. "I'm feeling things that… well, I'm feeling, anyway. And I needed to come and see you, that much was certain."

It is sweet to say, even though you don't trust him, not yet. "Where did you go?" you ask.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he replies, glancing away.

"Try me."

Clearing his throat, he asks, "Did you see on the news the story about Red Grave City?"

"Yes," you frown. "What about it?"

Vergil nods, easing back on the couch, and you sit next to him. He talks for a while, the most you've heard from him since you were young, and he goes on about legacies and power and all kinds of fantasy, leaving you enthralled without understanding why. He tells you about the sword he had lost, that belonged to his father—Yamato, you remember the name clearly, another detail he had shared you never really understood. There is hesitation on the next part, something he hides as he glosses over years spent "away", but the pain in his voice keeps you from asking more. He tells you about leaving his human self behind, of becoming a monster, only to be patched back together by his brother. Demon prince, that's what he had called himself, but could any of this be possible? He tells you of heading off to fight off Hell in order to save his son.

"Your son?" you interrupt.

Vergil nods. "It was unexpected."

That… stings. More than you're willing to admit, even to yourself. If he has a son, then that means… You shake your head, not ready to think about that. "You were right. I don't believe any of this."

He seems hurt by that, which catches you off guard. "I don't blame you," replies Vergil, although the cool timbre of his voice contradicts the very uncomfortable look on his face. "But I'm done with all that now. I tried to become something I'm not, and it didn't work. So now I'm going to try to just be…"

"Yourself?"

Vergil chuckles and meets your gaze. "I was going to say human. But I suppose myself is apt."

The corner of his mouth turns up in a smile, and against your better judgment, your heart softens. "I don't understand," you murmur. You reach up and stroke your fingertip against the side of his brow: something he always liked, and as always Vergil sinks just a bit, pressing against your touch.

"I know you don't." He hesitates, and you wonder: is he searching for the right words, or is he convincing himself they are true?

"What do you want?" you murmur.

He swallows, his eyes down. "Another chance? I keep asking for one from everyone." Finally his gaze lifts, and there is a warm sensation inside of you that swells because there is sincerity there.

"I'm older now," you say.

Vergil laughs. "So am I."

"I'm different," you clarify. "You broke my heart. You hurt me."

"I know."

Why is this so easy? It shouldn't be, not after so long, but he looks like the same boy who needed a place to stay on a cold night and felt so warm in your bed. "That was you on the bench, wasn't it?" you murmur.

He looks into your eyes and nods. "I don't know why. I came back and was dying. I needed to find someone, and I followed my instincts. I thought I was finding Yamato, but I found you."

You close your eyes and shake your head. "That night when you healed," you whisper, afraid of hurting him.

"I never wanted you to know," he says.

"Why?"

"It was too dangerous. Things wanted me dead."

The tone in his voice sends a shiver through you. But there is no lie in his eyes, not this time. "And now?"

"It's over, I suppose? I don't know. But… that part is over." Vergil swallows uncomfortably. "There is too much to say, I don't know how to explain it all."

"It's okay," you sigh. "We have time."

On instinct you reach up and press your palm to his face. The last time you did this, you were still barely children, and he had flinched away from your touch. But now he presses against your palm, sinking towards you, and Vergil wraps his arms around you to hold you closely. You press your cheek to his, feeling him tremble. He feels so strong and yet so vulnerable at the same time, and as you card your hand through his hair you wonder just what really happened to him.

You whisper his name and he turns to press his mouth on yours. It is unexpected, but when has Vergil ever not surprised you? Your lashes are wet as you kiss him back, the sensation so familiar it almost hurts. Your heart aches remembering the last kiss, the last touch, the last time you were together. It feels like a lifetime ago; it probably was.

He pulls you closer so you are practically draped over his lap. His hands slide up the back of your shirt, warm and firm and smooth. The last image you have of him as that figure on the street is fading like a dream as you press against his body. The kiss turns more passionate as one hand slips into your hair, and Vergil sighs as you open your lips to slide your tongue along his. The taste of him awakens the part of you that had gone cold and quiet when he left, and you cover his body with yours, needing to be close.

His heart is beating wildly when you push your hands under his shirt and your palm finds his chest. Vergil helps you remove his shirt, and then he pulls off yours. The look on his face is nothing but reverence, but you blush a bit, suddenly self-conscious. "I haven't…"

He looks up at you and nods. "About Nero… it's hard to explain, but I will. Just know I've never been unfaithful to you."

Your brows draw down slightly, wondering what that means. But he pulls you into another kiss, his hands roaming you now, and you decide to leave that until he can explain.

It takes no time for him to remove your bra, and then he turns to lay you back gently. Vergil was never a rough lover, but he could be hard, so the soft care makes this moment feel strange. His mouth presses to your neck, and he whispers how beautiful you are as they travel downward. Your own heart is fluttering by the time he kisses your breast, your eyes sliding closed when his lips tug on your nipple.

Again, he is not demanding, instead soft as he sucks on your flesh. He teases you with his teeth as your body melts with pleasure, his fingers caressing you tenderly. "Do you want to stop?" he asks, his voice strained as he presses his forehead to your chest.

"No, no, of course not," you laugh.

He kneels up and takes hold of the waistband of your leggings. "I love you," he says as he pulls the fabric down. "I never stopped."

You lift your hips and his hands travel back up your bare legs. "I didn't either," you reply.

It goes on like this, slow and quiet, his demanding touch now so tender, his searing kisses a sweet gentleness. He lights your core on fire with his touch, until you are moaning and reaching for him, gasping for more. "Please Vergil… I need you…"

"Open for me." Your eyes close and a tear rolls down your cheek as your thighs spread and he presses inside your body. It's been a long time since the last time you were together, and it's uncomfortable at first; but he uses just as much care now, his shallow thrusts making your back arch from the cushion.

You slide your hands on his chest, fingers searching his skin for any signs of the cracked and gray skin. But he is perfect and whole and solid, and once his hips are flush with yours you look up at him, eyes wide and searching.

He stares down at you almost in awe as he starts to move. You press your hand to his cheek again and he winces, and you see the pleasure and pain in his face. Your palm grows wet as he kisses your skin, and before long he is thrusting with a deep, steady pace that has you both moaning. You twist underneath him as the pleasure mounts, the anticipation building until it snaps inside and your body begins to pulse. Vergil groans, long and loud, and as your muscles tighten around him he spills inside of you. His seed is hot and thick as it fills you up, making you cry out as wave after wave of bliss has you holding to him tightly.

Vergil sinks against you, laying with his head on your chest, another thing from years ago that you remember well. How is it two decades pass and yet it feels like no time at all? You stroke his hair as he grows soft inside you, his hands clenching and releasing against your back as your breathing slows.

"I won't let you go again," he says.

"Okay," you reply. Vergil raises his head and you kiss his lips. "We can start over."

"I have so much to explain," he sighs.

You stroke his cheek. "No more secrets. I am ready to hear it all."

He nods and leans in for another kiss. As he moves over you, you remember the red pendant and how it had pressed against your chest your first night together. That Vergil had been just as strong, and just in need of help. But this time, you are stronger too.

[purplesurveys]

1197

survey by ohsh1t2wksl8

Layers

Layer 1: The Basics

Name: Since there’ve been several people who’ve followed me recently anyway, HI I’m Robyn.

Age: 23.

Birthday: April 21st.

Gender: Female.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Yes, I have one of each.

Do you have any pets? Yup, two dogs.

Do you still live with your parents? I do. I’m not in a rush.

Do you have any stepparents? Nope.

How many cousins do you have? 11 first cousins. Throwing my second cousins into the mix would dramatically increase the number and I don’t feel like counting rn.

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend? Angela and Andi.

Who have you been friends with the longest? Angela and I have been friends for 16 years and it’s stronger as ever these days because of our mutual love for BTS hehe.

What do you like to do with your friends? It really depends! There’s no one thing I like doing most with any of them; as long as I’m with them I’d consider it time well spent.

Do you have more friends online or in real life? Real life. It’s hard to form friendships online once nearly everyone starts becoming younger than you.

What is a good way to make friends with others? One thing I learned is that you have to be okay to initiate, and that’s not really something I like doing all the time.

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? I live in a house.

How many rooms are there in your house? There are 4 bedrooms and 5 other kinds of rooms – that’s 2 bathrooms, the living room, dining room, and kitchen.

Is your home large or small? I’d say it’s medium-sized. It’s not small that I feel cramped or inadequate, but it’s also nowhere near a mansion. It’s very comfortable for a family of 5.

What is your favorite room in your house, and why? Rooftop. My family barely goes there (and what a shame they don’t), so it’s a nice place to go to when I want to be alone but can’t get out of the house. Not to mention that it’s open-air and windy there, so whenever I feel as if I’m getting cooked inside I can always depend on the rooftop.

Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? I’d rather go to theirs. Our house is really deep into the village and is a challenge to get to, especially if you’re unfamiliar with the general area.

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? Yes, but that’s the furthest it can go. I can’t really bend or twist it into shapes more complex than that.

Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Nah, I lost that ability years ago. I didn’t make the most out of my flexibility back when I still had it.

Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? I never tried.

Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? I bet I can’t.

Can you do any yo-yo tricks? No, I was always terrible at the yo-yo.

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why? I don’t have any ~inspirations. I do like looking up to whoever my current obsession is – be it Rhett and Link, Paramore, BTS, etc. – to help me be happy and have something to smile at, but I try not to let any of them govern every single aspect of my life.

Who helps you maintain your sanity? My best friends. And these days, surprise surprise! – BTS.

Who do you go to most often for advice? Depends on the topic; I always run to either of my best friends. If I need a collective opinion, I go to my college friend group’s group chat.

Who knows you better than you know yourself? At one point it had been Gabie, but *shrug* Nowadays, the person who knows me best would probably be Andi.

Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? Any of my friends.

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? Nah - I’ve grown to be a fan of the crusts. I used to make my grandma slice them off as a kid or else I wouldn’t even think of touching the sandwich; then something changed as I got older and now I absolutely have to have the crust. At home, I even call dibs on the first and last pieces of bread (the ones that are all crust) whenever we get a new pack of sliced bread.

Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I usually ask for it to be packed up for takeout.

Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? No, I just bite into it.

Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? As a kid/teenager. I’m over that now.

Do you make friends easily? I’m not the biggest social butterfly, but I’m also not super closed off. I’ll be happy to talk to anyone who approaches me.

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you? Four.

How many pets have you had in your lifetime? In my lifetime...I guess a good rough estimate would be somewhere around 10? I’ll never know exactly how many we’ve had since I never kept track of how many goldfish we kept.

How many tries does it take you to become successful at something? Depends. I never learned how to ride a bike even if I’ve pushed myself to practice ever since I was 5, but there are other things I’m able to pick up easily.

How many meals do you eat a day? One, dinner.

How many people can you honestly tolerate? This isn’t really an issue to me haha, I like being around people and my patience around them is usually long.

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work? I work from home at the moment and probably would for a little while longer; but if things were different, I would be driving myself.

How do you deal with a breakup? When I was going through mine, I was stupidly stubborn at first and refused any form of help. I deactivated all my social media and shut both my best friends out; it even got to a point where mutual friends were beginning to ask Andi where I’ve been as I’ve “disappeared off the face of the Earth” (an actual quote they relayed to me). I cried day in and day out, cried during my shifts, stayed holed up in my room; and I skipped hundreds of meals, sometimes not eating all day. It wasn’t a good place to be in.

But I knew I was on the right path to recovering the moment I reached out to friends again and acknowledged that I needed help. I started to help myself, too; I cut the person off slowly, and I started to look for new things to get into, new hobbies to invest in. I let my friends give me tough love and show me the reality of my situation, and I listened this time around. I don’t know what drove me to make a sudden change in my life but I’m really glad I came around to the decision, because I’m happier than ever these days.

How do you like to help others? All sorts of ways. I always want to make others’ lives a little easier.

How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? I don’t trust that instinct anymore.

How do you sleep in bed? On my side, clutching a pillow. No pillow to hug, no sleep.

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die? That I just fall asleep for a very long time.

What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing? Turn around and hope there is at least a bidet in the stall.

What do you eat most often? Rice.

What toys did you enjoy most as a child? Anything with a lot of buttons or features to play around with, like detailed dollhouses.

What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? Intervene, for the most part.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out? BGC has great ambience and restaurant choices, but it’s been a while since I’ve been there. I also still feel weird about the place since Gabie and I had dates there pretty often, sooooo I really ought to make new memories there with new people once I can.

Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? We don’t really have places known for ice cream...most people just buy pints or tubs of them at the grocery lol.

Where did you meet your current or last significant other? School.

Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically? Wrapping up work in my room.

Where can you find the best French fries? Potato Corner.

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? Never believed in the first two. Tooth Fairy I lost hope in when I placed a tooth under my pillow when I was around 6 or 7 and woke up to nothing.

When do you typically fall asleep? Early hours of the morning tbh. I’d sleep anywhere between 1-4 AM these days.

When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? Kata and I often make sure to compliment one another for our hard work by the end of particularly grueling shifts.

When do you feel most comfortable? Friday nights when I’m sure I can finally close my work group chats for the next two days.

When did you last go to the bathroom? Around an hour or so ago.

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? It’s a stress reliever that has never failed me, and it lets me answers quirky random questions no one would ever have to ask me.

Why do people gossip so much? For one, probably the thrill of knowing something that's meant to be a thing.

Why can’t humans fly? It wouldn’t have been a necessity, I’m guessing.

Why aren’t you doing something else right now? Because I just spent the last 24 hours streaming Butter on Spotify and YouTube to raise views and plays for the boys, and taking this survey is actually the first thing I’ve done all day after taking a quick nap this afternoon to recover from all the streaming I did hahaha.

Why is the sky blue? I don’t know.

Layer 14: If…

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? Buy chocolate chips because I’m craving them rn; get all BTS merch in one go; give a chunk to my parents; keep the rest.

If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? I don’t really have consistency when it comes to this situation. I know I definitely would’ve been stupid enough to stay with Gab if she hypothetically cheated on me while we were still together; I’m not sure if I’d stay when it comes to another person entirely.

If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yeah, I’d look for the owner. I’m not that desperate for money, personally.

If you could have any food right now, what would you like?   SUSHI.

If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? Go to the mall and get some much-needed air, then probably drop off some japchae and tteokbokki at Angela’s place.

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth? I was in Prep and it actually fell out while I was in school. We were having storytime and I had to interrupt the session to tell my teacher it was starting to feel loose, so she got me some tissues to help me get it out.

Who was your first teacher that you ever had? Her name was Kathy. I don’t really have any substantial memories of her because I was 4 lmao, but I know she was nice.

When did you first learn how to ride a bike? ...Still learning...

When was the first time you had sex? Like a day or two after turning 18.

Did your first birthday have a theme to it? Not necessarily but my parents threw me a party at Jollibee, so it kinda had to be Jollibee-themed lol.

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: I don’t feel like checking because it was most definitely a work-related text and I don’t want to be reminded of work on a Sunday, but it was a media person. 

Last drink you sipped: The last of my coffee.

Last time you rode a bike: Like, March last year when the pandemic had still been fresh and I thought I could use all the free time to finally learn how to ride a bike. Absolute clownery.

Last time you swam in a pool: August 2019.

Last person you hugged: Not sure. Angela, I think.

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: I think pastel pink is still taking the lead for me.

Favorite Season: We don’t have the usual four seasons, but I do have a liking for winter. It just seems very cozy for me.

Favorite Shape: I don’t have one.

Favorite Letter: Mmmmm, don’t really have one of these either.

Favorite Number: 4 or 7.

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke? I don’t drink softdrinks.

Movies or Television? Movies, but I haven’t really been watching much of either recently.

Phone or Tablet? Phone. Haven’t used a tablet in yearrrrrsssssss.

Fruits or Vegetables? Veggies. Hate fruits.

Animals or Humans? I think I like both an equal amount.

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite? Chikorita.

Which day of the week is your favorite? Friday, because of course.

Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? My 18th, even though out of all the friends I celebrated my birthday with I only have one of them left in my life. I know I was happy during that time so I wouldn’t invalidate that experience for myself.

Which holiday is your favorite? Christmas, only for the sheer amount of food I get to have.

Which shoe do you put on first? I always switch it up, I’m pretty sure. I don’t have a particular habit.

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love? Gabie.

How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? Once.

Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? After being able to take a step back and analyzing it deeper, yes.

Have you ever been engaged or married before? Nope.

Do you have any children? I don’t.

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? I couldn’t decide among being an astronaut, firefighter, or veterinarian.

What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? I realized I wanted to be in the field of media and public relations, and that’s where I am now. I like being able to use my writing skills for something I find fun and fulfilling, instead of rotting away in a newsroom writing news I’m usually too sensitive for.

What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? I got regularized! :)

What is a goal you are still striving to reach? A salary increase would be nice, and then a promotion down the road would also be awesome.

Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? Sure. I was consistently on the honor roll in college and graduated with Latin honors, if those count as awards.

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice.

Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? Yesss, I was and am raised in a Catholic household. Weirdly enough my parents have grown more laidback in the last few years and my mom no longer berates us for not doing the sign of the cross when we pray before eating (my siblings have taken after me and refuse to do it as well). No idea what sparked that change but I’m just glad I never have to do gestures like that one anymore.

Democrat, Republican, or Independent? We don’t have the same parties here.

For or against the death penalty? This is a very complicated web and for reasons largely relevant to my country and the issues we have, I am mostly against it.

Thoughts on assisted suicide? I am ok with it as long as there is consent involved. 

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it? It’s Sunday again, blegh.

What’s the weather like outside? Sunny.

What have you eaten? Just a Fudgee Bar so far but I’m having breakfast with my family in an hour or so.

Did you run any errands? Well it’s only 8:37 AM so not yet, but one or two might come up throughout the day.

What time is it? 8:38 now.

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift? No, I don’t work Saturdays.

Did you eat out anywhere? No :( I’ve wanted to for a while, though. Maybe I might today, actually – they’ve loosened up quarantine protocols so restaurants have opened up again. Let’s see if I’ll feel like driving today.

Was it snowing? It doesn’t snow here.

Who did you last say goodnight to? Cooper.

Did anything unusual happen? It rained and there was cold breeze during the evening.

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class? No, but I do have to go to work.

Does this day have any sort of significance to you? May 24...I don’t think so. Nothing comes to mind.

What is a chore that needs to get done? My veeeeeeery long list of to-do tasks that I’m trying not to think about rn.

Will you hang out with friends? No chance of that happening.

What time will you be expected to be awake by? 9 AM.

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully? I don’t think so.

Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? I’m at the rooftop all the time but I only occasionally lie down to look at the stars.

Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Nope.

Touched a snake? Yep. I’ve had one wrapped around me before, too.

Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? Just by ants and mosquitoes.

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? Not sure about mandatory but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of people who went straight to first grade as kids, either because of advanced intelligence or financial limitations.

Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? I have one set of cousins who are all homeschooled; and I also used to have classmates who eventually transferred out of my school to be homeschooled instead.

Did you attend public or private school? Private.

Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? I was a loner for the most part, but after befriending the popular groups in high school I kind of got dragged into that scene as well.

What is the highest level of education that you completed? Undergraduate degree.

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: Dark brown/black.

Hair Color: Black.

Height: 5′1″.

Weight: A little under 100 lbs.

Do you have freckles, moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have moles on my right arm, under my jaw, near my left knee, and under my left boob. I have a birthmark behind my left shoulder.

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day? Hahahah yeesh, way to put me on the spot. I wanna say anywhere between 16-18 hours? I’m online the second I wake up until the moment I turn in for bed.

Which social media platforms do you belong to? Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr.

When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? 4975493875495743 years ago.

Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? Laptop.

Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? I don’t read regularly anymore, but I’ve never liked reading from a screen. I prefer a physical book as much as possible.

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school? No. I’m not opposed to grad school either, but it has to be a REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking great opportunity for me to sink my teeth into it. We’re talking getting accepted to grad school in like Spain or NYU; otherwise I wouldn’t take it.

Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? Yes.

Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? Festa month!

Are you dreading anything coming soon? Work tomorrow.

Are you gullible or naive? I can be both.

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? Not at all. I’m really grateful they take vacation leaves seriously; we even have a Mental Health Break Day scheduled two Fridays from now. Purely a company thing.

Does someone currently hold the key to your heart? Kim Taehyung... :/

Does anyone out there hate you? Idk and I couldn’t give less of a shit if anyone does.

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? No.

Does crying make you feel less strong? Nope. It took me a while to realize it, but acknowledging feelings and processing them is actually one of the strongest things you can do for yourself. 

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge? Idk what that is.

Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? I’ve done it before, so sure.

Swim with sharks? As long as I’m surrounded with experts, yes.

Go into outer space, given the chance? In a heartbeat.

Go out in public, looking how you do right now? Nope.

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names… Yesss. There’s Kimi who’s an aspin, and Cooper the beagle.

If not, what type of pet have you always wanted?

What is your favorite animal? Dogs and elephants :)

Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? Yes, or having animals do tricks for show, in general. I always discourage my parents from booking tickets to animal theme parks when we plan vacations.

How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? Every week.

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item? Fried rice.

What is your favorite kind of dessert? Macarons and cheescake.

Do you eat all three meals everyday? Nah. I have one meal on weekdays, and two meals on some weekends.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? Around 24 hours.

What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick? Greasy things haha. If I’m feeling like death, might as well be having good food.

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? Not really.

What is one of your favorite memories of the past? Spending my college years with the right people.

What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? Harm myself.

If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them? Audrey Hepburn, but I don’t really have a question for her. It would just be nice to get to spend a few minutes with her.

Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? Precolonial Philippines.

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day? It’s definitely a lovely scenario to have but I’m really unsure about it at the moment just because there’s no one I have in mind and I have no plans to start dating around again soon.

Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I’m happy with the one I have and I don’t see it changing any time soon.

What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? Probably the latter haha.

What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? Going to Wrestlemania.

If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? Yes.

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower? Once daily. Twice if it’s stupidly hot during the day.

How often do you brush your teeth? Once or twice a day.

Do you actually iron any of your clothes? Mm, not really. But if I was planning on wear something that gets easily crumpled, I iron that in advance.

How often do you do laundry? I’m not in charge of laundry.

How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? Around 1–2 weeks.

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? Nah.

How would your describe your sense of style? I like sticking with trends as long as I feel comfortable in them.

Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? Just makeup in general.

Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Local small businesses or H&M. 

What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? I don’t really invest in them, but I wanna start buying more headbands, bucket hats, and earrings.

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult? Occasionally.

Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? Yeaaah I do embroidery but I’ve stopped for a while since finding other interests and hobbies to dabble in. I have no plans to ditch it completely though; I’ll come back to it when the time is right.

What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? Not sure.

Do you use Pinterest at all? Nope.

What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? Lol.

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here. Driving slowly on lanes intended for overtaking; taking too much of my food; being subtle about asking for favors.

What are some things that annoy you about yourself? Easily punishing myself for mistakes, no matter how small; I also find that putting others first before myself 100% of the time can sometimes end up being an inconvenience for myself.

Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? Nope.

What is a feeling that you dislike? “I should have done/said this.” Not sure what feeling this falls under (maybe helplessness?), but having these thoughts irritate me to no end especially if I can’t do anything about the situation.

Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? Yep.

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick? Nah, I’ve never even seen one in real life. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been dying to try getting on one lol. 

Have you ever mastered the jump rope? I wouldn’t say I’m a master, but I can do the basic jumps and last a long time doing them.

Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? I don’t know if I’ve determined this already; I have a lot of years ahead of me and lots of experiences I’ve yet to go through.

Is it winter in your part of the world right now? No.

What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? Random ones or ones with categories, like this one.

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music? Alternative, folk indie, punk rock, R&B...and BTS.

What are some music genres that you can’t stand? Country, screamo, techno.

If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Any one of my holy trinity: Paramore, Beyoncé, or BTS.

Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? Not anymore, come to think of it. I’m completely unaware of the Top 40 space right now, and have been for a while.

iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? Spotify.

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child? The Septimus Heap series and the Percy Jackson series.

What genre of books do you typically read most often? Memoirs.

What are some of your favorite books as an adult? I don’t read anymore.

What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? Hands down, Without Seeing the Dawn. I remember fairly enjoying Charlotte’s Web and Number the Stars as well.

Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? No.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? Jeju, South Korea; Bali, Indonesia; Palawan; Batanes; and Boracay.

Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? Seoul, South Korea.

Where do your family members originate from? Just Philippines.

What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? All Asian cuisines. Each of them is so unique and always has something new to discover.

What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Jollibee? Hahaha.

Layer 44: Would you Rather…

Drink apple juice or grape juice? Apple.

Wear pants or shorts? Shorts, as much as possible.

Be taller or shorter? Taller.

Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Neither if possible.

Visit an art gallery or a museum? Museum.

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? Stuart Little 2 when I was 4.

What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? Two for the Road, Gone with the Wind, Roman Holiday, Revolutionary Road, Toy Story, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Room.

What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Drama.

What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? Requiem For A Dream, but maybe remove ‘pleasantly.’ Anomalisa is also a good answer for this.

How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left? I just watch them on Netflix, haha.

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m really more of an ambivert than anything else. I can deal with alone time and more social days equally well.

Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? Again, I can be both depending on the situation.

Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? Yes.

Describe your sense of humor. I can laugh over anything from dad jokes to crackhead memes.

Do you tend to over-share? Not really. I tend to have a good sense of how much I should share depending on the person/group I’m with.

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? I mean, Elon Musk and Grimes have to be up there, right? The Kardashians have also given their kids unique names, but I actually am a fan of them all.

Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? Nah, I’m past that part of my life lol. As obsessed as I am with BTS and as unavoidable rumors about their personal life are, I literally don’t care and just want them to have happy private lives. That’s one of the reasons why I know I’m truly in my 20s now hahaha.

Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? Kim Taehyung, Hayley Williams, Kristen Stewart.

Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? A lot of local celebrities and personalities since it came with the nature of my course.

Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift.

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried? Earlier, but they were happy tears.

What are some things that you’re afraid of? Big change, injections, drowning, sharp objects.

What is something small that makes you happy? Cold weather.

Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? My mom wrongfully blaming me for something I had very little to do with. Both my siblings are very sensitive and are never scolded, so I usually take the heat even for things I’m barely involved in. Such is the life of the eldest daughter in an Asian household, lmao.

Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? I’m always shy at first, but end up being perky and outgoing once warmed up.

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Mixed drinks.

How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 18.

Do you smoke? Very rarely. I don’t want to make it a habit.

Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? I have.

Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? No.

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games? Mario Kart, Resident Evil, and Legend of Zelda are some of my favorite series.

Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? I don’t play computer games.

What was your favorite board game, growing up? Scrabble.

How about your favorite card game? I also don’t play card games.

How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) I don’t like puzzles.

[avengerscompound]

Like Rabbits - Chapter 9

Like Rabbits:  A Black Widow/WinterHawk Fanfic

Masterlist // PREVIOUS

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Rating: E Square:  None

Word Count:  1790

Warnings:  Pregnancy stuff, smut (F|F, vaginal fingering, semi-public sex, car sex)

Synopsis:  While you and Natasha are contemplating starting a family together, Bucky and Clint are doing the exact same thing.  So two couples go take the same path to parenthood together.

A/N: This is a Natasha/Reader chapter.

Chapter 9

After the initial few doctor's appointments where you were told you were going to be monitored a little more closely due to the higher risk of twins and the purchasing of all the things you needed such as anti-nausea medication, everything settled down a lot.  You weren’t showing yet, so there was no visible sign that you were pregnant other than the nausea which you were taking the medication to keep control over it, it wasn’t even bothering you that much.

So you, Natasha, Bucky, and Clint went about trying to find the perfect home for you all to raise your kids.

Initially there had been some toying with the idea of buying the lower level of a brownstone and renovating so instead of two apartments it was one that connected through the back and had access to the yard, but aside from the cost, it didn’t quite feel right.  The four of you looked at townhouses in Brooklyn and houses in New Jersey.  Jersey started to look closer to what you all wanted.  There were houses listed that were affordable and could possibly be worked into the design where each couple had their own private spaces but the kid's bedrooms were at a halfway point that allowed them to go between both.  Bucky wouldn’t have it though.  He said you might as well kill him if you were gonna force him to live in Jersey.

The farm idea was looking very tempting.  It would mean a huge lifestyle change though.  The farm was pretty far from the city.  If any of you wanted to keep Avenging there would need to be something worked out with Steve so that you weren’t always commuting in all the time.  Clint was the closest to being a country boy and even he never lived on a farm.  There was a big learning curve.

After browsing real estate listings and Clint getting excited about every single one, the four of you had started taking trips out to the country to look at real estate.  They were fun expeditions and you were glad you were making them before you got so big that the babies were sitting on your bladder.

It turned out looking at houses was quite fun too.  It was exciting to go through and have Clint tell you how he could knock down one wall or put up another.  How he could picture where the second kitchen would go and how he could strip the floors and polish them.  You liked walking the grounds with Bucky and having him tell you about where he’d put up the target range and where he’d keep his goats he was planning on getting.  Natasha liked to make claims on bedrooms and tell you how she’d change a bathroom so it could fit a big clawfoot tub that she was determined to have.

You’d seen about 6 houses now, but none were quite right.  Whether that be their distance to a decent school.  Or their lack of bathrooms which would make the renovation that much more expensive.  You were all getting to the point of admitting defeat and just buying a parcel of land and building from scratch.  It was debatable whether it would be more expensive that way or not, but at least you’d start off with exactly what you were looking for.

There was just one more that you’d been drooling over in the listings.  Not too far from a town, with a pool and lots of bedrooms and bathrooms.  It was even in the budget you had leaving enough for renovations.

Natasha pulled her car into the drive, followed by Clint and Bucky.  “We’ll have to change the color.”  She said as she put it into park.

“You don’t like blue?”  You asked.

She shook her head.  “Not that shade.  Not for a house.”

“Well, paint is the easy bit.”  You said getting out.

A woman came out of the house and introduced herself as the estate agent.  You had met so many now that you didn’t take note of her name.  She gave you a quick rundown.  Five bedroom, four bath, pool, formal lounge and dining, carriage house that can be renovated, barn, turn of the century.  You all listened on while pretending to look at cornicing and room size.  When she said she’d leave you all to look around, you finally started to look around properly.

“With the way, it’s laid out, formal lounge, dining room on one side, family room and kitchen nook on the other, if we just split the kitchen in two we have two completely separate living spaces,” Clint said as the four of you walked through the kitchen.

“The kitchen is definitely big enough for that too,” Bucky said running his hand over the floating counter.  “It’d cost less not having to put new plumbing and gas to a whole new area.”

“Be a little bit of a shame to lose this space,” you said.  “But it is definitely big enough.”

“Let’s go check out upstairs,”  Natasha said.

The four of you went back to the entrance and started your way up the spiral staircase.  “This will be the tricky bit.  I’ll have to pull this out and put in two new landings but we have time.  We can share for a bit.”  Clint said.

You reached the landing and you and Natasha went left to the turret while Clint and Bucky looked at the other rooms.  “Oh, this is our room.  She said going straight to the bay windows and looking out at the grounds.”

You moved up behind her and wrapped your arms around her waist.  “I really like this one.”  You whispered.

“Mmm it looks good so far,” Natasha agreed.  “We can get a fourposter bed.  Imagine that.  Like actual princesses.”

You giggled and kissed the side of Natasha’s neck.  “Since when did you want to be a princess?”

Natasha turned in your arms and wrapped her arms around your waist.  “All that decadence and people to give you pedicures?  What’s not to love?”

“You dork.”  You teased and she kissed you deeply, pulling herself flush against you.

Bucky and Clint chose that moment to come into the room.   “This place is really laid out perfectly,”  Clint said, not waiting for you and Natasha to stop kissing.

Natasha pulled back and looked at him.  “How so?”

“The two bedrooms at the front of the house are much larger and have their own bathrooms.  The three at the back are smaller and share one,” Clint explained.  “It’s almost designed to be split into two.  It’s almost like a duplex that was shoved back together.”

“I think this might be it,”  Bucky said.

“Then let’s make an offer,”  Natasha said.

The four of you went back downstairs and filled out some paperwork.  You got into the car with Natasha buzzing with excitement.  “You think they’ll accept it?”  You asked.

“I think so.  It’s been on the market for a while and we offered asking,”  Natasha said.  “I don’t think it’ll be long before we’re moving in.”

You leaned in and kissed her neck.  “I’m so excited.  We can paint the kid’s rooms with murals.”

“We should ask Steve to do it.  I bet he would.”  Natasha hummed.

You put your hand on her thigh and kissed the side of her neck.  “I’m so excited.”

She chucked and caressed your jaw as she kept her focus on the road.  “I can tell.”

“Are you?”  You asked as you walked your fingers up her thigh.

“Yes, zaika,” she smirked.  “You seem to be extra excited though.”

“I am,” you whispered.  You nipped at her earlobe and slipped your hand into her yoga pants.

“Cheeky girl.”  She teased.  “Should I be pulling the car over?”

“Mmm, that might be a good idea.”  You hummed as you teased your fingers over her cunt.

She continued driving for a little while.  As she did you kissed her neck and ran your finger in tight circles over her clit.  It didn’t break her focus.  You wondered if there was anything that could really.

She pulled the car down a dirt side road and switched off the engine.  “Alright, my bad girl.  What are we going to do with you?”

She unclipped her seatbelt and climbed over the center console so she was straddling your lap.  You looked up at her, practically buzzing under her.  She leaned in and kissed you deeply, her thigh pushing against your cunt.  You ground against it, letting your arousal grow and seep from you.

As you kissed and ground against each other, you slipped your hand into her pants again.  Your fingers slid up and down her slicked folds, teasing her entrance and then dancing over her clit.  She mimicked your movements, her hand slipping up under your skirt and teasing your cunt.  When you thrust two fingers into her she thrust two into you.

You broke the kiss with a gasp and she looked down at you with the most intense expression on her face you’d ever seen.  It was like she was staring right into you.  She continued to mimic your movements.  When you curled your fingers she curled hers.  When you rubbed her clit with your thumb, her thumb rubbed against yours.  You began to move your hands in just the ways you liked best.  Seeking out her g-spot and stroking your fingers over it.  Corkscrewing your wrist and scissoring your fingers inside her, running your thumb over her clit in tighter and tighter circles.

The two of you began breathing heavily as you brought each other undone.  The whole time you kept your eyes locked together.  It was like you were trapped in the intensity of her gaze.  Her green eyes bore into you and you seemed to be timing your breathing with hers.

“Gonna come for me, zaika?”  She purred as she moved her fingers in your cunt.

“Are you?”  You breathed, matching her pace.

“Together then?”  She purred.

You gave a short nod and sped up your fingers.  Thrust and drag.  Thrust and drag.  Again and again over the spongy surface of her g-spot.  Your thumb rolled over her clit.  She did the same to you and almost at once you both bucked against each other and came.  “Fuck!”  You cried simultaneously.

She pulled her hand free and leaned in and kissed you passionately.  You slipped your hand free and wrapped your arms around her, returning the kiss.  Slowly she pulled back and climbed back into the driver’s seat.  “Now, zaika,” Natasha said, starting the car.  “If that’s how we celebrate making an offer, imagine how it will be when they accept it.”

You hummed, bucking back up and leaning against her shoulder.  “I can’t wait.”

// NEXT

[lovemesomesurveys]

Layers Layer 1: The Basics

Name: Stephanie. Age: 31. Birthday: July 28th. Gender: Female. Zodiac Sign: Leo.

Layer 2: Your Family

Do you have any brothers or sisters? I have two brothers. Do you have any pets? I have a doggo. Do you still live with your parents? Yep. Do you have any stepparents? No. How many cousins do you have? Like over 50. Only two of them are from my dad’s side.

Layer 3: Your Friends

Who is your best friend? My mom. Who have you been friends with the longest? -- What do you like to do with your friends? -- Do you have more friends online or in real life? -- What is a good way to make friends with others? *shrug*

Layer 4: Your Home

Do you live in a home, apartment, duplex, trailer, etc? A duplex. How many rooms are there in your house? 2 bedrooms. Is your home large or small? It’s small. What is your favorite room in your house, and why? My room. It has my bed and all my stuff and I spend majority of my time in here. Do you prefer having people over to your house, or would you rather go to theirs? With friends I preferred going to theirs. I don’t like playing hostess.

Layer 5: Can You

Can you fold your tongue into the taco shape? Nope. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? No, cause I’m a paraplegic. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? Nope. Can you hold up your end of a physical fight? I’ve never been in one, but I’m still going to say no. It wouldn’t go well for me. Can you do any yo-yo tricks? I haven’t played with a yo-yo since I was a kid, but I never could get the hang of any tricks. I couldn’t even get it to go back up easily.

Layer 6: Who

Who inspires you the most, and why? I haven’t felt inspired in a long time. :/ Who helps you maintain your sanity? Uhhh. Who do you go to most often for advice? I don’t ask for advice very often to be honest. Who knows you better than you know yourself? I don’t even know myself anymore. Who is someone that you would die or put your life on the line for, no questions asked? My mom and brother.

Layer 7: Do you

Do you still eat sandwiches without the crusts? Yeah. I’ve never liked the crust. Do you typically finish your meal at a restaurant, or need to take a container home? I don’t finish my meal completely ever because I get full fast and I’m such a slow eater that everyone is done for awhile and I feel bad having them wait. Depending on what it is I might take the leftovers home, but honestly I usually don’t. Do you pull an Oreo apart in order to eat it? Yep. Do you read a lot of gossip magazines? I haven’t read a magazine in several years. I used to all the time as a teenager. Do you make friends easily? I don’t have an issue getting along with people, but I don’t develop friendships with a lot of people. I don’t really try either to be honest. Especially not these past few years. I haven’t tried or wanted to make any friends.

Layer 8: How Many?

How many people live in your house with you? 3 people and a doggo. How many pets have you had in your lifetime? A couple hamsters, 4 doggos, and a fish tank full of fish. How many tries does it take you to become successful at something? Uhh. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m all that great at anything. How many meals do you eat a day? Usually just two. How many people can you honestly tolerate? Just a few people at a time.

Layer 9: How

How do you typically get to school or work? I’m done with school and I don’t have a job. How do you deal with a breakup? Not well. How do you like to help others? I used to try and help people with what I could when I could, but admittedly I haven’t been very helpful or useful to anyone, including myself. How do you know when you’ve found “the one”? I guess I don’t know because I truly thought I did with Ty, but that went nowhere. How do you sleep in bed? I sleep in the middle slightly turned to my left with my head propped up.

Layer 10: What

What do you think happens when we die? I believe in heaven and hell. What do you do if there’s no toilet paper left on the roll and you’re already peeing? At home I call for my mom and ask her to bring some or I have to just get up and get some more from the bathroom pantry. What do you eat most often? Wingstop and ramen. What toys did you enjoy most as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies. What do you do if you witness someone being awful to someone else? I don’t know what I would do.

Layer 11: Where

Where is your favorite place to eat out? I’m more of takeout gal, even pre-COVID, which now takeout is all I do, but anyway I love getting Wingstop and breakfast from this local place. Where is the place that has the best ice cream in your area? I’m not a big ice cream person and haven’t had any at all in years, but apart from the common places like Baskin Robbins and Cold Stone, I know we have a few trendy, cool ice cream places in town I haven’t been to thatI hear are really good. Where did you meet your current or last significant other? We met through a mutual friend. Where can you be found at 7 PM. typically? Here at home, most likely in bed on my laptop. Where can you find the best French fries? This local place has delicious beer battered garlic fries.

Layer 12: When

When did you find out the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy? I don’t remember exactly when I found out about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, but I stopped believing in Santa when I was 8. I feel like I stopped believing in the other two prior to that. When do you typically fall asleep? Around 6 or 7AM. When was the last time that someone paid you a compliment? I don’t remember. When do you feel most comfortable? When I’m lounging in bed. When did you last go to the bathroom? A couple hours ago.

Layer 13: Why

Why do you enjoy taking surveys so much? I’ve enjoyed taking them for so long now it’s hard to imagine a time where I no longer do them. I mean, here I am at 31 and see no stopping in sight. I think they’re good distractions and give me a place to vent and ramble as well when needed. They’re like my diary entries. Why do people gossip so much? They’re bored and other people’s lives are either more interesting or they serve as a distraction from their own. Why can’t humans fly? We don’t have wings. Why aren’t you doing something else right now? I want to be doing this. Why is the sky blue? Cause that is the color God intended it to be.

Layer 14: If...

If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? I’d pay of mine, my parents’ and my brother’s debts first, then I’d buy us a bigger house and furnish/decorate it, do some other shopping, travel for sure, and then I’d have to be smart and careful and save as well after having some fun. If you found out someone was cheating on you, would you ever take them back? I honestly don’t know. It would depend on a lot of things and if I did, it would take time and work. If you found a wallet with cash in the street, including identification, would you turn it in? Why or why not? Yes, absolutely.  If you could have any food right now, what would you like?   I just had ramen so I’m good right now. If you found out that the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend your last day? Freaking out? ha.

Layer 15: Firsts

When did you lose your first tooth? Like 5 or 6. Who was your first teacher that you ever had? I don’t remember my preschool teacher’s name. When did you first learn how to ride a bike? I didn’t. When was the first time you had sex? I haven’t. Did your first birthday have a theme to it? I’d have to ask my mom.

Layer 16: Lasts

Last person you texted: My brother. Last drink you sipped: Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink. Last time you rode a bike: -- Last time you swam in a pool: Like 8 years ago. Last person you hugged: My aunt.

Layer 17: Favorites

Favorite Color: Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow. Favorite Season: Fall and winter. Favorite Shape: Hearts and stars. Favorite Letter: I don’t have one. Favorite Number: 8.

Layer 18: This or That

Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Movies or Television? Both. Phone or Tablet? Phone. Fruits or Vegetables? I like some of both. Animals or Humans? Animals, ha.

Layer 19: Which

Which Poke’mon is your favorite? Let’s go with Jigglypuff. Which day of the week is your favorite? I don’t have one. My days all blend together. Which birthday celebration was the most memorable for you? Various ones throughout my life. Which holiday is your favorite? Christmas. Which shoe do you put on first? I think my right.

Layer 20: Love Life/Relationships

What is the name of your first love? Joseph. How many times can you honestly say you’ve been in love? Twice. Have you ever been in a relationship before that was abusive in any way? No. Have you ever been engaged or married before? No. Do you have any children? Nooo.

Layer 21: Jobs, Dreams, & Goals

What did you want to be when you grew up (as a little kid)? I wanted to be a teacher. What do you aspire to be now? What interests you? I have no idea. :/ What is the most recent goal you’ve achieved? I haven’t achieved any in a long time. What is a goal you are still striving to reach? I should be setting some, but... Have you ever won any sort of awards before? If so, for what? Honor roll certificates and award from school clubs I was in.

Layer 22: Opinions & Beliefs

Pro-life or pro-choice? Pro-choice. Were you raised with any sort of religious background? If so, then what? Both sets of grandparents were the ones who tried to influence me in that way and they were of different religions, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Christians. It made things very confusing and complicated and I struggled with what I believed for a very long time. I went through phases of being atheist, agnostic, and then slowly started to open up towards Christianity. Democrat, Republican, or Independent? I don’t want to get into that. For or against the death penalty? It’s very complicated. Thoughts on assisted suicide? That’s a very touchy, sensitive subject.

Layer 23: Currently/Today/Present

What day is it? Saturday, March 6th. What’s the weather like outside? It’s currently 46F. What have you eaten? So far just ramen. Did you run any errands? It’s only 5:21AM, but I won’t be going anywhere today. What time is it? ^^^

Layer 24: Yesterday

Did you have a work shift? I don’t have a job. Did you eat out anywhere? I had breakfast delivered and then got Wingstop takeout for dinner. Was it snowing? No, it doesn’t snow here. Who did you last say goodnight to? My mom. Did anything unusual happen? No.

Layer 25: Tomorrow

Do you have to go to school/class? Nope, I finished school back in 2015. Does this day have any sort of significance to you? No. What is a chore that needs to get done? I don’t have anything I need to do right now. Will you hang out with friends? I don’t have any friends. I’ll hang with my family at home. What time will you be expected to be awake by? Like 4 or 5PM most likely.

Layer 26: Have You Ever

Performed a magic trick successfully? Nope. I dabbled a little bit with card tricks when I was a kid, but I was never any good at it. Sat or laid on a rooftop and looked at the stars? No. I’d be too scared to do that. Walked around with your underwear on inside out or backwards all day without realizing it? Probably. Touched a snake? Nooooo. Been bitten by an animal? If so, what animal? Nope.

Layer 27: School Life

Are preschool and kindergarten mandatory where you live? I’m not sure if preschool is, actually. I went to preschool.  Were you or anyone you knew homeschooled? I was for a brief periods of time after some long hospital stays in 5th, 6th, and 8th grade. Did you attend public or private school? Public. Were you bullied in school, popular, or somewhere in-between? I wasn’t bullied and I most definitely wasn’t popular. What is the highest level of education that you completed? I have my BA in psych.

Layer 28: Your Appearance

Eye Color: Brown. Hair Color: A mix of red and my natural dark brown. Height: Like 5′4. Weight: Somewhere in the 70s (pounds), I think. I haven’t been weighed in years. Do you have freckles. moles, beauty marks, or birthmarks - and where? I have some freckles, some moles, and a birthmark.

Layer 29: Electronics, Internet, & Social Media

How much time do you spend on the internet per day? It really varies. Which social media platforms do you belong to? All the big main ones. When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in your television remote? I don’t recall. Are you more likely to stream movies and shows on your laptop, or cast them to your television? I prefer to on TV. Do you have an e-reader, or do you prefer actual books? No, but I do use the Kindle app on my phone.

Layer 30: Are You

Are you still in school? Nope. Are you a member of the LGBTQ+ community? No. Are you looking forward to anything coming soon? There isn’t anything coming up that I’m looking forward to. Are you dreading anything coming soon? Upcoming doctor appointments.  Are you gullible or naive? I wouldn’t say I’m a gullible or naive person, but I can be gullible and naive at times.

Layer 31: Does

Does your workplace make you feel like you can never take a day off without feeling guilty about it? -- Does someone currently hold the key to your heart? Myself. Does anyone out there hate you? Probably.  Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Yes. Does crying make you feel less strong? Sometimes I do feel like that because I’m just so sensitive and moody and feel like such a baby sometimes. I don’t think crying makes you weak, I’m just hard on myself and feel like I cry too much and over ridiculous things at times. I’m like seriously, you’re crying again?? Or wow, you’re crying over this??

Layer 32: Would You

Do the Polar Bear Plunge? Helllllllllll no. Ever try to walk across a room blindfolded? I’ve done that. And with just my eyes closed. Swim with sharks? Noooooo. Go into outer space, given the chance? Noooooo. Go out in public, looking how you do right now? Ew, no.

Layer 33: Pets/Animals

Do you have any pets? If so, what type, and their names... Yep, I have a 4 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. If not, what type of pet have you always wanted? -- What is your favorite animal? Dogs and giraffes. Do you think it is cruel to have circus animals? Yes. How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? How often do you scoop the litterbox, if you have a cat? I don’t walk her because it would be too hard for me to do, but my dad does a few times a week.

Layer 34: Food

What is your favorite breakfast item? Scrambled eggs, biscuits, and hash browns smothered in country gravy, scrambled eggs with spinach, garlic, and green onions, breakfast burritos, and breakfast sandwiches. What is your favorite kind of dessert? Cheesecake, brownies, cupcakes, muffins, donuts, cookies, Little Debbie snacks. Do you eat all three meals everyday? Nope. I usually just have two. What’s the longest you’ve gone without food? Ever, like 2-3 days because I had just had surgery. Otherwise, just a day without any food at all. I’ve gone days with very little when I’m really sick or having appetite issues. What do you like to eat when you are feeling sick? I don’t like to eat when I’m sick, which becomes a problem. I have to try and at least eat buttered toast and soup.

Layer 35: Past

Does your past ever come back to haunt you at times? I’m always dwelling on my past. What is one of your favorite memories of the past? Childhood memories. What is something that you used to do in the past, but no longer do? I used to have somewhat of a social life, but now I don’t have one at all. If you could have a meal with someone from the past, who would it be, and what would you ask them? My grandmother. I’d just want to spend time with her and catch her up on the past 15 years as much as I could. Which historical time period would you like to go back to and check out? Hm. I don’t know.

Layer 36: Future

Do you think you will ever get married one day? Honestly, no. I really don’t see it happening. Do you plan on ever getting a different job in the future, or are you happy with the one you’ve got? I don’t have a job currently. What age do you plan to retire at? Or do you plan on working til you’re dead? I don’t know what my plans are in regards to work.  What is something on your bucket list worth mentioning? One that pretty much everyone says, but traveling.  If given the opportunity to see how your future plays out, would you take it, or no? The future terrifies me, so no I don’t think I would. It could possibly end up being encouraging if I saw things turn around for me in a good way, but I’m afraid it would just show more problems and things getting worse. :/

Layer 37: Hygiene

How often do you shower? Every couple days. How often do you brush your teeth? At least once a day. Do you actually iron any of your clothes? I’ve never ironed my clothes. How often do you do laundry? It gets done about once a week. How long do you use a bath towel before switching it out? I only use it once.

Layer 38: Clothing, Makeup, & Style

Do you wear nail polish? If so, how often do you paint your nails? I haven’t painted my nails in almost 5 years. How would your describe your sense of style? Super casual? ha. I live in leggings and oversized graphic tees. Are there any popular trends that you do not find appealing? Of course. Where do you typically buy your clothing from? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.  What sorts of accessories do you wear/use? I haven’t worn any accessories in awhile. I used to be a big accessories person, like I stuff to match all my outfit and my arms would be full of bracelets.

Layer 39: Hobbies

Do you still color, even as an adult? Yep. I love that adult coloring books became a pretty big thing a few years ago, I love ‘em. Do you/would you like to crochet, knit, cross-stitch, etc? Nah. What’s the last thing you crafted all by yourself? I’m not an arts and crafts person. Do you use Pinterest at all? I do. What’s the last thing that you cooked or baked? Ramen, of course.

Layer 40: Dislikes

List some of your pet peeves here. Eating sounds is a big one. What are some things that annoy you about yourself? Oh jeez. Many things.  Is there anyone out there who you actually hate? Who? Myself? What is a feeling that you dislike? Feeling sick. Do you get some ugly road rage while driving? I don’t drive.

Layer 41: Random

Have you ever successfully pogo’ed on a pogo stick? No. Not sure how that would work with a wheelchair, ha. Have you ever mastered the jump rope? Again, kinda hard to do, but I’ve kinda jumped rope before. Not the actual jumping part course, but did the movements while just wheeling over the rope instead and continuing to move forward. It’s kinda hard to explain, but yeah. Do you know what it feels like to be truly happy? Uhhh.  Is it winter in your part of the world right now? Yes. What’s your favorite type of survey, and why? I enjoy themed ones like this and ones with random, interesting questions that allow me to elaborate more than just simple yes and no. I don’t mind some of that thrown in and some basic questions, but I want more.

Layer 42: Music

What are some of your favorite genres of music? I like variety. What are some music genres that you can’t stand? I’m not into dubstep.  If you had a blank pair of concert tickets, who would you hope to be going to see? Hm. I’d have to think about that. Do you still listen to music on the radio from time to time? It’s been like 4 years since I’ve listened to the radio. iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Amazon Music, or YouTube? Spotify.

Layer 43: Books

What were some of your favorite books as a child? How young are we talking? Like around 4th grade I started getting into Goosebumps, Nancy Drew, The Baby Sitter’s Club, Ramona and Beezus, and choose your own adventure books.  What genre of books do you typically read most often? Well, for the past couple years now I’ve just been reading murder mystery and psychological thrillers. Apart from those, my favorite genres are fiction, YA, and NA. What are some of your favorite books as an adult? I have several favorite murder mystery series.  What is a book that you were required to read for school that you actually enjoyed? One of them was A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Do you read any newspapers or magazines anymore? I haven’t in years.

Layer 43: Around the World

Where’s the best place you’ve taken a vacation and/or day trip to? My Disneyland trips are definitely some of the best. Where is somewhere that you’d like to go someday, assuming you have the funds to do so? There’s so many places I’d love to visit. Where do your family members originate from? Most are from here, but some from different cities and states. What is your favorite type of ethnic cuisine? Italian. What is something that is typically representative of your own culture? Hm.

Layer 44: Would you Rather...

Drink apple juice or grape juice? Ew, neither. Wear pants or shorts? Pants. I don’t do shorts. Be taller or shorter? Taller. Go to a zoo or an aquarium? Zoo. Visit an art gallery or a museum? Museum.

Layer 45: Movies

Do you remember what the first movie was that you saw in theaters? No, but the first one I remember seeing is The Rugrats Movie. What are some of your favorite movies you’ve seen? There’s so many. What genre of movie do you typically enjoy? Horror, psychological thrillers, drama, superhero, fantasy and sci-fi, romcoms.  What is a movie you’ve seen that you weren’t expecting to like, but were pleasantly surprised? I didn’t think I’d love Star Wars and the superhero movies like I do, honestly. I got into them late, but once I started I was hooked. How many movies do you own? Are they all DVD’s, or do you still have some VHS ones left? I have like 10 DVDs in my personal collection. I also have my Disney VHS tapes stored away.

Layer 46: Personality

Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m an introvert all the way. Are you more easygoing and laid back, or anal? I think I come off as easygoing and laid back to people who don’t know me, but I am not. I mean, in some cases I am, like when it comes to traveling I’m pretty much down to do anything and I’m cool with just chillin’ and checking things out.  Are you kind to everyone who shows that they deserve kindness? I believe so. Describe your sense of humor. I honestly don’t know. Like, I like corny, punny, cheesy jokes, but apart from that I’m not sure how to describe it. People will show me stuff they think is funny and they can be dying of laughter and I can be straight-faced or just give a little chuckle or blow air out of my nose, ha. So yeah, it’s hard to explain. Random stuff will just really strike me as funny. And even if I do think something is amusing, it doesn’t always mean I’m laughing hysterically ya know? I haven’t had a good laugh in a long time. Do you tend to over-share? In surveys I do sometimes.

Layer 47: Celebrities

Which celebrity has given their child the most unique name, in your opinion? Meh, I don’t know. Are there any celebrities that you keep tabs on/read articles about often? Not as much as I used to, honestly. I used to be wrapped up in celebrity gossip and entertainment. I still like that kind of stuff, but I don’t know I just haven’t been following it as much. Who is/are your celebrity crush(es)? Alexander Skarsgard. Have you ever personally met someone famous before? If so, then who? Jamie Lee Curtis and Drake Bell. Who is a celebrity that you’re getting tired of hearing about all the time? Hmm.

Layer 48: Emotions

When was the last time you cried? A couple days ago. What are some things that you’re afraid of? Losing loved ones, dying, never getting better/getting worse... What is something small that makes you happy? That first sip of coffee. Who is the last person that you were angry with, and about what? It’s been awhile since I’ve been angry with someone. Are you typically a shy or outgoing person? I’m very shy.

Layer 49: Digging Deeper

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? I don’t drink. How old were you when you got drunk for the first time? 21. Do you smoke? Nope. Have you ever taken and sent naked pictures of yourself? No. Have you ever done any drugs other than marijuana? If so, which ones? Nope.

Layer 50: Games

What are some of your favorite video games? Mario Bro games. Do you have any computer games that you play regularly? I go through phases with The Sims where I’ll play all the time and then go years without playing. The last time I played was 3 years ago. What was your favorite board game, growing up? Sorry!, Trouble, and Life. How about your favorite card game? Growing up I liked playing Uno and Crazy 8′s.  How good are you at solving puzzles? (such as a Rubik’s cube, word puzzles, or putting together a jigsaw puzzle) I love word searches and such. I used to enjoy doing actual puzzles when I was a kid. I’ve actually been wanting to do a puzzle lately.

[ohsh1t2wksl8]

[fluorescentpipedream]

Dayton winced as he opened his eyes. The ceiling above him was high and a eggshell white and it took him a moment to realize where exactly he was. The bed he was sleeping in wasn’t nearly as comfortable as the one he had gotten accustomed to and the coarse, itchy blanket over top of him told him exactly where he was. 

Sitting up, he got out of the bed and put his socked feet on the tile floor, glancing at the soft, baby blue walls and the large metal door that sealed him in this room like an animal. He’d fucked up, and he knew it. Dropping his head into his hands, he flinched and looked down at his hands, opening the palms and just stared at the bandage on his right hand.

“Fuck.”

He got up slowly and wobbled a little, losing his footing and sat back down again. They must have had to sedate him, and since he couldn’t really remember what exactly had happened, he could only assume he’d had another blackout. Trying again, this time he found his feet and carefully, if not a little unsteadily, he found his way into the small bathroom that was across from the bed. The room was small, just a bed, the door and a simple toilet with a sink off to one side in a sort of alcove. After relieving himself, he stared at his reflection in the mirror, one hand on either side of the sink. What had happened…?

A click at the door let him know someone had come in and he heard Dr. Snow’s soft voice.“Just a minute.” He flushed the toilet and washed his hands a second time before drying his hands as he walked out. He picked at the bandage that was wrapped between his thumb and index finger and frowned when it pulled the skin.

“Good morning, Dayton.”

“Hmm.”

The woman gave him an expectant look and he sighed. “Good morning, Dr. Snow.”

“That’s better.” 

She looked around the room and seemed almost sad that he was back in here again. After a moment of looking down at her clipboard she brought her blue eyes back up to his soft brown ones, and gave him a sympathetic look. “Do you remember what brought you back to the main building?”

He held his right hand up to her. “This..” He hadn’t been particularly suicidal in almost four years, so this was a little out of character. Lowering his hand, he turned and put the bed back together again, but hesitated before he sat on it.

“Yes…that. Would you like to go back to your apartment?”

“Am I allowed to do that?”

“That’s up to you. Do you want to?”

“Yes”

“Good! I thought we might walk back there and we could see how you felt from there.” 

Dayton, for his part, only nodded and sat down, shifting off the socks he was wearing and put on a pair of black sandals that were under the bed. He was wearing the standard issue mental hospital patient garb and he hated it, he’d rather be in his own clothes. Standing again, he used the wall to brace himself and frowned. “Did they think I was a tiger or something?” Dr. Snow gave him a sad look before he smiled at her and she realized he was making an odd, badly timed joke.“No...I’ll explain on the way home. You owe Trey an apology.”

He only nodded and motioned for her to lead out of his room. “Did you call my sister this time?” He scoffed but when the doctor didn’t answer him, Dayton looked at her. “Dr. Snow?”

“What do you remember from Wednesday?”

“What’s today?”

“Friday.”

“Fuck, I lost a day.” 

Dayton shrugged. His short term memory had mostly been taken out by the brain damage caused by the alcohol poisoning and head injury when he’d struck the ground at the Mensa gathering eleven years ago. “Um....” He tried wracking his brain a little as they walked to the elevator, once inside he turned to the doctor again, having to look down at her. She was all of 5ft tall, a squat woman anyhow but being 7 months pregnant made her look more like the little girl that turned into a blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Especially since she was wearing a blue jacket. His brain got stuck. “Violet.” He stopped and looked ahead at the door. “No...sorry. Lottie.” 

“Why did you say Violet?” 

“Thinking of something else, I derailed.” 

“Oh...alright then.” She chuckled as he started whistling the Oompah Loompah song. “You can be so funny sometimes.” It was a dry compliment and Dayton stopped, looking down at his feet, his hair falling into his eyes.  

“Lottie came to get me and we had lunch Wednesday, like we do every other week.” he trailed off, his voice catching in his throat when he mentioned his sister. And then it happened, rather suddenly he felt his face get hot. He clenched his fists, immediately regretting it as pain shot through his right hand and relaxed them again. Lottie came twice a month, every other Wednesday. They would go out for coffee or lunch somewhere in the Quarter and just spend the day together. He always looked forward to it, doing everything in his power to take his medication, keep himself heading in the right direction so he could have that little reward. This time had been no different but while they’d been at lunch at one of the oyster houses, she had broken some heartbreaking news. 

“So…Tyler and I are getting married next month and…” She’d started and Dayton had set down the sweet tea he’d gotten with his lunch, looking at her somewhat expectantly. He’d thought she was going to invite him to the wedding finally, since she kept saying she’d add him when she knew the seating charts better.

“And?”

“And…I’m sorry Dayton but…we don’t think it’d be a very good idea for you to…eh…be there” He felt like his world had fallen apart with that one sentence, especially since she wouldn’t look at him.

“Lottie…?”

“Well. Tyler and I were talking and…he says that….when we get married he thinks….well WE think that maybe I shouldn’t come see you anymore…” She had trailed off and for a minute he didn’t think he’d heard her correctly, though as she looked up at him, he realized he had heard her and she was serious. Her tone was soft and sheepish, and he remembered now that he’d growled at her, getting up from the table until she’d put her hand on the top of his, her eyes pleading him to sit down.

“This is Tyler’s doing! Lottie…you’re the only part of the family that even acknowledges I’m still alive…why would you do this? Why?” He was heartbroken, and who would blame him? Dayton had sat back down at the table but his appetite was gone at that point.

“It was his gun you tried to shoot yourself with in the park, and Dayton what if…what if you came out of the hospital and you hurt yourself again or…we have kids and you hurt one of them? I…can’t. I just…maybe it would be better if you’re not part of our…my life. I’m….I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.” He spat back at her and shook his head. “Take me back to the Manor…maybe we should just end this now.” He’d remained silent on the trip home, she had tried several times to start but the dirty look from him each time she tried had silenced her immediately. When she’d pulled up in front of his little duplex apartment, Dayton had gotten out of the car without a word but stopped before he closed the door.

“Lottie” His tone was soft and sad, but as he turned on her it got angry. 

“You’re 25 and I know you think this is the only thing you’re ever going to get, I understand love. Fuck! I’m a 43 divorced gay man with brain damage bad enough I have to live in this place because I can’t function on my own! Why don’t you let your ‘dangerous’ brother give you some advice. Men like Tyler come and go, they don’t matter. What fucking matters is supposed to be your family and you were the one I had left! But...You’re right…you shouldn’t have me in your life, because I’M the bad guy!. I’m a danger to myself and everyone else, might as well be better off if I’m just not around!” 

He slammed her car door shut and went into his apartment.The blood rushing in his ears had been so loud it had sounded like he was standing inside of a waterfall and he felt like he’d lost control of the world. He had fucked up four years ago, not wanting to live anymore, he had taken Tyler’s gun to Audubon park and put the gun in his mouth, hoping to just shoot himself and be done with the world. But instead, it had just clicked. The damn gun wasn’t loaded, though the fear of that click had scared him. He had gotten into it with Tyler after the other man had made an underhanded comment that he should stop mooching off his sister’s kindness. Lottie had offered, since their parents pretended that they didn’t know who he was and in the middle of all of it, unable to make sense of what was happening in his own head, he’d slipped down a depressive slope and decided that he didn’t want to burden anyone anymore.

Dayton was walking with the doctor now, trying to remember what had happened after he’d gotten home but he couldn’t think of anything. Beside him, Dr. Snow waddled along with an uneasy gait. He stopped walking so she could stop to catch her breath.

“Sorry…doctor. Long legs.”

“I know…you and Mr. Powell make me work for it.”

Dayton chuckled and looked down at the bandage on his wrist again. There were a couple of little dots of red blood seeping around the edges and he sighed, lowering his hand.

“I try to kill myself again. That’s a mature reaction to your sister telling you to fuck off out of her life…” He rolled his eyes at himself.

“Trey says no…he found you in the bathroom with pieces of the mirror in the sink. He thinks you hurt yourself and hit the panic button, which actually is a much better reaction.”

Dayton thought about it for a minute and then remembered. He had gone into the bathroom to take one of his sleeping pills but when he couldn’t find them, he’d gotten angry and punched his mirror. He had picked up one of the larger pieces of glass and ran it over his palm, the blood beading up around the cut as he did it but he had hesitated long enough to get some clarity. Lottie had been the cherry topper to his week. He had been on google when his name had come up under one of the headlines, something about the Mensa gathering and his name coming up during one of the speeches. A man he vaguely remembered had talked about him, once again as a cautionary tale of how not to turn out. He’d looked up the man who gave the speech and though it had taken a minute he remembered him. Mike Tomlin had been a straight-forward young man, he’d approached Dayton apparently to ask a question but instead said he wanted to kiss him. It had only been a few days after his divorce was finalized, he’d been drunk and reckless and figured a night of sex with some 20-something would be a good distraction. It had turned out that Mike was 18, not 20 and a virgin but he was good in bed, at least. Now he was attending meetings and delivering speeches like Dayton used to do, name dropping like he had any idea what was actually going on. It had hurt, whether he wanted it to or not and this wedding business had been the last straw. He’d thought about it, just end it then, be done and disappear. He wouldn’t have to disappoint and hurt people anymore but something had stopped him.

Dayton couldn’t say what it was but as he’d watched the blood pool in his palm and drip into a sink full of shattered glass, he’d hit the button beside the toilet that summoned his personal nurse. Trey was a good man, entirely creole and black as darkest night. He’d found Dayton sitting on the ground with a towel tied tightly around his hand and a sad, lost look in his eyes.

“Why did they sedate me?” 

Dayton stopped underneath a bough of one of the massive oak trees on the property and looked up at the leaves and the sun shining through them. There was something surreal about New Orleans, it was in the air at all times and for that moment he actually felt calm. A little embarrassed, but calm. 

“They didn’t, but you lost a lot of blood before Trey got to you.”

“Oh.” He sighed and looked at her. “I don’t think I’m suicidal anymore. I considered it...I remember that part very well. I actually thought about not being anyone’s problem anymore but then...”

“I know. And I’m very glad to hear it, we’re getting somewhere.” She smiled brightly at him and started walking again. He offered her his other hand and helped steady her across the uneven cobblestones in the walkway. 

“I think you actually made a very good decision about Lottie. Even if you didn’t realize it at the time”

Dayton looked down at the little woman beside him and raised an eyebrow, not really able to figure out where she was going with this. Sensing this, she continued, urging him to keep walking. They were almost back to his apartment.

“You agreed with her that having you in her life wasn’t safe..but it wasn’t about her safety. You used Tyler’s gun, four years ago, to try to kill yourself and had it been loaded, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But you told me when we met that you felt like he was making your life harder because he made you feel guilty for relying on your sister. And now, he’s using her to push his weight around again, trying to make you into the bad guy to make him feel better about telling her how to live her life.”

Dayton didn’t say anything but it did make a certain amount of sense. As they walked in silence, he was listening to the hum of the cicadas all around them. It was summer so hot and humid. He had been expecting to see Arthur sitting outside the apartment next to his but remembered he was in Los Angeles with his little sister and her new boyfriend.

Dayton had only smiled at him when Arthur had asked him to watch one of his plants. It was a fake plant, as far as Dayton could tell, so it was probably a joke. Arthur was a weird man, only a little younger than Dayton was, and ready to get out of this place now. He was going to end up following his sister Frankie wherever she went but their relationship was different. He’d asked Arthur to bring him something from Disney but wasn’t going to be surprised if the other man forgot. Stopping in front of his door he sighed and looked at the doctor.

“Want to come in?”

“I would love something to drink…and I do have something else I’d like to show you.”

“I don’t think I’ve got much more room up there for anything else.”

“You got a package yesterday.”

He started to say something but wasn’t sure how to respond to that. The only person that sent him things was Lottie. The doctor said nothing else as he let her into his apartment. He remembered destroying it, but maybe that was wrong.

“The cleaners came in and straightened it up in here.”

He nodded and offered her a seat before going into the small kitchenette and got two glasses of tea from a container in his fridge. Offering one to the doctor he noticed the small box on his coffee table and gestured at it. 

“It’s open.”

“You know we have to go through your mail. Sorry.”

“oh…right.” He leaned over and looked down into the box. The contents confused him even further. A floppy, Jellycat brand frog with a green bow around its neck, a large box of crayola colored pencils and a spiral bound coloring book of forest animals, a large bag of mini gourmet fruit slice candies and a CD from the Gothic Demolition.

“What in the world?”

“There’s a letter…” She sipped the tea and leaned forward, picking up a rather long looking letter but as he glanced at it he realized the handwriting was bigger than most adults’.

“It’s from a child.”

“Yep…seems that little Mensa party got you a fan.”

“That’s odd...Did you read the letter?”

“Skimmed it mostly, but not completely. I think it might make you feel better.”

“You don’t find it strange a little kid wants to be my friend?”

“I do. But I also think it might be good for you. Read the letter, you’ll understand”

He tossed the letter back into the box to go through it later. Dr Snow watched his movements but didn’t say anything about it, they had other things to discuss. Before leaving she reminded him that the lunch car would be coming around in another hour, and he should remember to eat something.“Trey will be coming by later too…and I will see you for our last meeting next week, before I go on leave. While I’m gone…”

“Dr Stadler will be coming, I remember.”

“Good! Your short term memory must be getting better.”

“No, it’s not. I wrote it down.”

“Oh, well... Have a good day, Dayton. And lets try to keep you out of the main hospital for a while, okay?”

“Yeah.” He had waved her off and was left standing in his apartment. He was uncomfortable and felt shaky and nauseous. Laying against his door for another moment he pushed off of it and walked into the little bedroom in the back. There was a bathroom attached to it, just a standard tile shower, a toilet and a window with a nice view of the grounds. His stomach rolled and he knelt down for a minute or two to see if he was actually going to throw up but all he did was dry heave. Taking a few slow breaths, Dayton got up and into the shower, just standing under the water as it beat down in his shoulders. He wanted to cry, scream, kick something, lash out at someone but all he could do was stand there. 

When he got out, he still felt hollow and laid face down on his bed, pulling an old, worn out alligator toy from under his pillow and snuggled with it. To some extent, it had hurt his feelings to be used as a warning once again. Only remembered for what he could have been rather than what he was now. What was he now? 

Anger welled up in him again and he screamed as loud as he could until he couldn’t breathe anymore and clamped his eyes shut. He must have fallen asleep, because someone was knocking on his door and he could hear someone saying his name, rather loudly.

“Dayton! Answer me brutha...”

Dayton raised his head off the gator toy and grumbled. “I’m fine...I f-Fell asleep. I’ll be out in a minute, Trey”

“You scared me, man...thought you were hurt or somethin. Jeeesus!”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, rolling off his bed and pulled on a soft pair of pajama pants. As he walked out of his room carrying his shirt he stopped and stared at a young woman in his living room. “Hello Sherri”

“Hey! Trey told me you weren’t feeling well! We got you some gumbo and beignets”

“Thanks...”

Trey moved over to him and checked him out for a moment, the touch felt alien and made him uncomfortable. Trey was, first as foremost a nurse, but he did everything to make his patients feel more like they were friends. On a normal day, Dayton appreciated that, today he would rather be alone. But with them both here he knew he was going to have to eat and function a little longer.

“Cute frog”

“What?”

Sherri had opened the box on his table and was holding the floppy little frog. Dayton shrugged but when she came toward him and set it on his shoulder he smiled weakly. “We should get that gator of yours and set them together somewhere. I’ve got a camera..”

Trey had started to say something, probably about to remind her that Dayton was 43, not 12, but he interjected first. “It’s a gift from a little girl, she might like to see that he arrived safely”

“Great! I’ll go get it camera out of the car, we were at the zoo today”

Dayton looked at Trey and the two exchanged a wordless glance before the other man pointed at his cup of soup.

“Eat.”

While Dayton was eating, Sherri seemed to be having fun setting up the stuffed animals doing things like playing cards or sitting in the window just looking out.

“She realizes I’m not going to use all those, right?”

“Yeah...the camera prints Polaroids like the old ones used to...these are stickers though. She might be stickin them in her little scrapbook thing, if ya don’t mind”

“Whatever. Those cameras aren’t that old either”

“They are to me. Gimme you’re hand brutha, I need to clean that up. You look like you’re having a rough go, you want a smoke?”

One thing about Trey, he smokes marijuana when he doesn’t have to work, and since it’s legal across the US, he had taken to offering it to Dayton once in a while. It didn’t alter his medication and often helped him sleep. Dr Snow was wary of getting him a prescription for it but she didn’t seem to mind if he got it once in a while. While focusing on the bandage wrapped around his hand once more, Dayton nodded. 

Trey smiled and walked out to his car, coming back up a few minutes later with a small case, which he handed to him.

“When I was at the dispensary, I gotcha this. It’s a vape, real easy to use, a couple of puffs and you can go to sleep.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome brutha...Sherri, baby, lets leave him alone alright?”

“Okay, feel better, Dayton”

“Thanks Sherri...” she hugged him, seemingly unaffected by how tense he became and the two left. Once he was alone, Dayton opened the small case and took a few minutes to figure out the vape pen, letting it heat up as he turned his attention to the box on his table again.

Picking up Louis the frog, he settled back on the couch with the letter and the bag of candy, eating a few of them as he read.

Dear Mr. Foster, 

My name is Beatrice Summers, I am 5 years old and I’m in Mensa too! I heard about you a few days ago from one of the speakers, Mike Tomlin, who said he knew you before you got hurt and wound up in the hospital. I felt bad that you were all alone in there and thought we could be friends. I know I’m little and my mommy says it’s weird for us to be friend friends, because you’re an adult but I would still like for you to talk to me. Daddy says that’s called pen pals, could we be pen pals? I think I’d like that.

The letter carried on in much the way you’d expect something from a little kid to go, she rambled about what she liked to do and she hoped he liked to color and that the frog’s name was Louis and he was a friend for the gator that Mike gave him when he was in the hospital. She hoped he liked the candy she got him and that she’d never had those before…She explained the CD too.

I didn’t know what kind of music you liked cause I don’t know any of the bands on your profile. Daddy said you could have one of his band, they’re called the Gothic Demolition and they’re really good! I think you’ll like them!

Dayton stopped at about that point, setting the letter down and picked up the CD, turning it over to see the band’s picture on the back. If the man in the middle of her father, damn. He sighed softly and set it down again, picking up his vape pen and took a few drags before he started feeling that warm feeling take over. Getting up, Dayton got himself a cup of water, locked his door and made himself go to bed. 

--

Dayton woke up in the morning to the sound a very annoyed hummingbird complaining, probably about not having enough food in the feeder outside of his window. He sighed, sitting up and looked around. His hand still ached and he  still didn’t feel all that well but still he had to get up. There was something he had to do, though for a while he couldn’t figure out exactly what that was. After sitting at his table for a few minutes trying to force himself to eat the toast he’d made for himself he noticed the box still sitting there. Right...he was reading something last night. 

Seeing where he’d left off, he stuck the CD in his stereo system that was in the corner of his living room. It was one of the stacked ones with the record player on top, a CD/DVD player that was also hooked up to a flat screen TV on the wall and a radio with a large knob tuner and preset buttons below it. The whole thing was in a cabinet built especially for it, the only thing slightly out of place on it was the cable box and Apple TV that was installed in all of the duplexes. After closing the little CD door he sat down in the window, setting his new frog in his lap as he finished the letter.

I found out from your profile that we have the same birthday and I think that’s neat. But I’m worried…cause you’re really smart and you were going to do so much and I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore or feel like no one likes you. I don’t know you, but I like you. And Mike did too. I don’t want to believe that smart people have bad lives because I don’t want to be alone too. I hope you write me back, you need to have someone who cares about you.

“When a toddler cares more about you than your own family.” Dayton wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and cleared his throat, looking down at the big eyes of his floppy new friend before turning to look out the window. It was about eleven in the morning now and he actually didn’t feel that bad now....there was something strange about having someone care about you, even if she was little. Getting up off his couch, he walked over to a small desk that was on the far side of his living room and sat down at it, going through the drawers before he found what he was looking for. A few Christmases ago, Lottie had bought him a little set of inks and a glass dipped pen with a few sheets of antiqued paper. They were supposed to start writing letters to one another while she was in another state but he’d only gotten one back from her before she started emailing him, telling him it was too hard to find the time to write. 

Testing the ink a few times on a separate page, Dayton seemed to fall into the rhythm of writing with the glass tip and ink as though it was second nature. 

Dear Beatrice,

Thank you for your letter and the package, it’s been a very long time since anyone has sent me anything. I haven’t been feeling that well the last few days and it made me smile. And, admittedly, a little sad too. You talked a lot about your family in your letter, I don’t think you’re at the same risk as I was. 

My home life was tumultuous for a lot of reasons growing up and it didn’t make for a very safe environment. When I started to spiral and show signs of depression, no one would believe that I was suffering and it ended up causing more harm. In the end though...if I hadn’t been through all of this, we might not be talking right now. Life is strange that way.

You mentioned that we share a birthday? I agree, that is pretty neat. My grandfather used to say that truly special people are born on two days instead of one. I’m not sure how I fit into that but I’m sure you’re going to grow up into someone that’s going to turn your world on its ear.

Dayton paused for a moment and a couple of drops of ink fell on the page. He dragged the glass tip through the droplets, making a strange little caterpillar out of it and wrote “hi!” in a little speech bubble.

Ignore the caterpillar, I had too much ink on my pen and didn’t want to start all over again.There’s some discipline in using a glass pen and I haven’t written anything with this set since I got it a few years ago. It will be nice to get some practice in. I used to love drawing so those colored pencils you sent me are going to get a lot of work. I can try to send something out of the coloring book with my next letter, if you want? Also, while I appreciate the candy, I think 5lbs might be a little too much. I’ll be eating them for the next year, but I do really like those, so who knows. I know it’s an odd question for a stranger to ask but do you have a favorite? Maybe I can get someone to take me down to the Quarter and find you something sweet. *

Dayton scratched a small asterisk next to that sentence, making a note at the bottom of the page for her parents: If you would rather I not send her candy, I completely understand, it sounded a little odd even to me.

Thinking for a moment he dipped his pen again and curled it slightly, watching the green ink drip off the tip. Satisfied, he started writing again, he was on his second page already. Usually his handwriting was very small, especially when he was using cursive but because she was younger, he was going with a more calligraphy style.

I am sending you a few things with this letter, just so you know. The frog you sent, Louis, seemed happy enough to meet my gator, though he doesn’t have a name. Eleven years with me and he’s a raggedy looking thing. You’ll see in the pictures...I was told they’re stickers but I’m not sure. I’m also sending your father money for the CD, I really liked it, and thank you for sending it to me. I like finding new music. What about you? Do you have a favorite band...or book right now? I used to devour mystery books when I was your age.

One thing, and this is from my experience, if you aren’t happy with what you’re doing or feel like you’re loosing yourself to what everyone else thinks you should be because you’re a “genius”, stop. I wish I’d had more control over my life. I let too many others dictate my actions and in the end they left and I was alone to deal with it all. You have a beautiful name and from what I can tell just from this, you have a very big heart.

I hope we can keep talking but I have to ask a very big favor. If you get bored with the letters, I understand but please send me a letter telling me, so I’m not waiting around for something that may not come. 

Thank you, Beatrice.

Sincerely,

Dayton

Setting the pen down in its rest he closed the bottle of ink and lightly dabbed the papers with a tissue to check to see if they were dry yet. Once they were, he tri-folded the letter and put it in an envelope with the pictures of the toys and the promised $20 dollar bill and set it outside in the little flip top mailbox beside his front door. He wasn’t expecting anything to come of this, he might get one or two messages from her but children are notorious for either getting bored or distracted over time. Still...he had even something small to look forward to and that was a comfort in its own right now. 

@musesnotebook

[africanmilspouse-blog]

Where do you live to have a better life?

IN or OUTSIDE the military Cantonment?

The military has housing for it’s personnel which in Nigeria is commonly referred to as “Barracks” scattered across the country. When I got married to the army ( I mean my soldier…..lol), I didn’t know the best thing to do.

Most families have this debate several times throughout a military career. They prefer to have some space and put more miles between them and the military. Therefore, they wonder if living in the barracks would be the best option for them or not.

Shelter play a crucial role to a man’s well-being because after all the days stress and rigours, you always have a place you go which you call a home. Be it a flat, duplex or studio apartment, Home is Home.

As the saying goes…,Home is where the heart is or Where the WIFI connects automatically.

There are several misconceptions about military cantonments. Most people say the “barracks setting” is not ideal for raising a family as kids may grow up to be hardened and tough. Some believe it’s a safe haven for soldiers and their families when they commit a crime in town.

Be it as it may, as someone who has experienced living on and off base, and also from my interactions with other military families:

Here are some of the Pros and Cons of living in the barracks

The Pros :

1. Safety:

Living in the barracks is safer compared to off base. This is because of the presence of military men and security men stationed all around. Their presence serves as a deterrent to anyone who has any ulterior motive.

I can still remember the ugly experience I had six years ago when my house off base was burgled. Luckily for me, I travelled to see my soldier with my kids when the incident happened. That incident made me to live in a military barracks for almost two years. Till date, I have never slept in that house and I have only been there once since after the incident.

 2. Military Community….that communal living:

The barracks housing is meant to accommodate not only the military personnel but also their families. When you live in the barracks, you can be around other military families and a lot closer to the military community. This is one of the best things about living in the barracks. Sometimes, lasting friendships are born out of communal living.

3. Affordable – You’ll Save on rent and utilities:

Yes, living in the barracks can save you the nightmare of having to pay rent. It will also allow you save a lot more on utilities. Though utilities are deducted from soldiers salaries at source,YOU’LL SAVE A LOT MORE.

4. Close to work:

When you live in the barracks, your service member will be close to his/her place of work. They won’t have as long of a commute, and traffic won’t be as much of an issue. This will give your soldier more opportunities to dash home for lunch and see you during the day…Amazing right???

The Cons:

1. Lack of decent houses:

Houses in the barracks is a mixture of both dilapidated and habitable buildings with some of the latter in need of a facelift. Even the newly built or renovated ones are mostly built with substandard fittings and materials. By living in the barracks housing, you won’t have as much of a choice on the house you will live in.

2. Restrictions:

You may be constricted to certain rules and regulations. Such restricted living is meant to provide a regimented form of living for the military personnel which is not always ideal. I can still remember a soldier that was picked up from the after party of his wedding, on his wedding night and locked up because an officer felt the music was too loud.

At other times, you may not be allowed to have pets or use your power generating set where you only have power for 0-6 hours on a daily basis.

3. Lack of privacy and comfort:

Military housing in some instance is not built for comfort or privacy as you often get to share your space especially if you’re living in a block of flats. Most times, two families are even paired in a two bedroom flat! This isn’t always a good thing!

If you are used to having more space, you may feel uncomfortable. There will always be something going on and there will always be people coming and going.

This often gives way for prying eyes with the attendant result of gossip and conflicts arising from such constant interactions.

 4. Rumour and Gossip:

The barracks is a haven for rumours and gossips. You get to live with different groups and classes of people. You’re forced to interact with people ordinarily, you wouldn’t have any relationship with. Some of these people, will make your personal business their major concern. They will always look for things to talk about not minding its authenticity.

5. Work, Work and Work (work after work…lol):

Living outside the barracks can put more miles between you and the military. No one will bother to look for you after work for more work. You’ll have your space and time.

But….,

When you live in the barracks, you are closer to work and your soldier might not be able to get the distance your family needs after work. You simply can’t find that space you so much need on base.

My advice….,

Depending on where your soldier is serving, you may live in or outside the barracks. Some places might be better for ON base living, while others would be best to live OFF base.

Think about the pros and cons of living on base, and make a decision that is best for your family.

CHEERS.

#military

#militaryfamilily

#milspouse

#soldiers

#armywife