#yes Nyx killed that fucker

[andywinter16]

I just found in FFXV Comrades conversation with Cid and Weshkam, where they mentioned the ugly octopus who killed Pelna (i forget the name of that monster) But Weshkam said something there along the Line "Battle began by his sword(Regis's) was ended up by his glaive." And who killed that octopus? Of course our one and ONLY Nyx Ulric!!!

[casspurrjoybell-21]

Pirate Chains - Volume 1 - Strong Tides

*Warning Adult Content*

Chapter 35 - Tainted allegations - Part 2

Nyx

"Nyx is a Martina mate."

"Shut up, Armpits," Chow snapped at Mern, yet Jayy stood beside the latter, asserting their support...

"No you shut your shit-hole. Armpits is right, for once."

A couple of heads nodded, while others narrowed their eyes in contemplation. None dared to interfere as they closely watched their captain's stance.

"Is that so?" Chow interjected.

"You see him as a pirate? Really? Look at him, damn it."

Nash remained unfazed by his words.

"I don't need to. It's enough to look at you two to know he's better."

Fury widened Chow's eyes.

"That whore caught us off guard."

"If you call me that again, I swear to God I'll rip that foul tongue out of your stupid head," I yelled, the insult igniting my anger.

Being called names in hushed tones or in the hallways is one thing but being called a whore in front of everyone tests my patience beyond measure.

"Sounds like a pirate to me," someone in the crowd said nonchalantly and he was shushed by another.

"The whore is threatening me? I'll show you, you fucking highborn," he yelled, charging at me with the dagger poised to strike.

Against my better judgment, I lunged towards him without hesitation. But before I could take a couple of steps forward, we were both startled by Agenor, who could no longer contain his anger. In a split second, he was already ahead of me, delivering a powerful blow straight to Chow's jaw. The wooden floor plates cracked as Chow was hurled to the ground. Gasps escaped from everyone's lips as they instinctively took a step or two back, enlarging the circle around us and avoiding the wrathful beast.

Silently, I gasped and halted, my eyes fixed on Agenor as he stood tall, his back straightened, releasing breaths that felt more like fumes of fury. His jaw clenched, hands tightly balled into fists and his cold, fierce grey eyes bore down on the motionless body before him. Chow lay still, not stirring at all. Some of his comrades gazed upon him with pity, others with disgust and a few wore wide grins of excitement, their eyes gleaming with anticipation.

However, no one dared to approach the fallen figure and murmurs spread, questioning whether he was even alive. The thought of Agenor possibly killing his own crew terrified me more than anything. Unable to resist, I cautiously approached the body, I knelt and carefully felt for his pulse. My own hand trembled slightly. I took a deep breath and finally detected a heartbeat.

"Alive," I whispered, and several pirates echoed my observation.

As the realization of what I had just done sank in, I glanced behind me to see if I had further infuriated Agenor, only to find him walking away. It all happened so swiftly. Agenor had his hand over Ken's mouth and was dragging him across the deck. Ken squirmed, his eyes wide with sheer terror. His head shook, clearly displaying his regret. Everyone could see it, everyone except Agenor. The crew called out to their captain but none dared to intervene or impede the devil's pace.

"You lay a finger on what's mine and you'll be dancing with the sharks," Agenor raised his hand, pushing Ken towards the sea, leading the remorseful pirate away from the deck.

'My God, he's throwing him into the sea.'

Agenor

"Stop! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

In the midst of my seething rage, one voice pierced through the darkness.

"Agenor. Are you out of your mind?"

I glanced to my side and saw Nyx clutching the scoundrel's grimy leg, pulling him back onto the deck. Now the asshole soon-to-be-dead fucker is hanging outside of the ship by his jaw, that was clutched in my hand and his leg that Nyx had grabbed. Confusion clouded my narrowed eyes.

"He's the bastard who's been giving you nightmares, isn't he?"

"Yes. And I defended myself and even stabbed him. So let him go."

'I didn't understand. Did Nyx want to stab the wretch again?'

"Remove your hands, Nyx."

"Not until you set him down. This isn't right."

"Is this about what happened during the Calico's raid?"

"What?"

"You're sparing him because he saved your life, is that it?"

"No. It's not about..."

"You already spared him once by aiming for his thigh instead of his groin. This is between him and me now, so back off."

"You back off."

"Heeeelp. Captain, I'm sorry. I... I was wrong, I won't lay a hand on him ever again. I swear on the Lord of the seas. I'll never..."

I tightened my grip on the bastard's jaw, nearly shattering his bones as he groaned in agonizing pain.

"You're torturing him."

"I wasn't joking about the sharks in this sea," I warned.

"Just set him back down."

"If I let go, you'll fall along with him, Nyx."

"I won't let you drop a living being into the sea. He's a fucking filthy asshole of a pirate but still a human being. A person."

"You're defending him?"

I glared at him and a wave of sadness flashed in his eyes. Then he pleaded, his voice filled with desperation.

"No one dies today... Please Agenor... No killing... He's a Martina pirate... You said they're family."

'Family.'

Aye, I repeated that over and over to persuade him to discard his life before me. My determination wavered and I paused for a moment to contemplate. Damn it, he's the only one who can make me think in the midst of such fury. I was on the verge of relenting when my gaze fell upon the collar around his neck, his once beautiful neck that was meant for me to cherish, now adorned with new bruises. I noticed a trickle of blood at the nape and something inside me snapped.

I released the scoundrel, letting him plunge into the abyss of the sea. Ken screamed in terror as the ocean beckoned for his soul and I expected Nyx to let go and spare himself. Instead, there was a resounding thud as Ken's head struck the ship's outer surface. Nyx held onto the leg tighter, the weight pulling him closer to the edge, causing his feet to slide against the deck with a scraping sound.

'Fine, you've tried. Now let go. Let the bastard rot in the frigid embrace of the sea.'

Nyx winced in pain, kicking the edge with his right foot to prevent himself from being pulled over. He winced and shut his eyes, summoning all his strength to prevent Ken from perishing. If I was furious a minute ago, now I was boiling, my blood racing at the realization of Nyx's audacious defiance. I wanted to shake him, strike him, bind him with a thousand chains. Make him realize that going against me was more dreadful than death itself.

My escalating anger nearly blinded me, until I noticed a trail of blood ending beneath Nyx's left foot. I traced it back to a jagged piece of wood with a bloodied tip, standing guilty of piercing his foot. He got injured when I released Ken. The realization that I was responsible for shedding his blood turned the erupting volcano of anger inward, directed at myself. I gazed down at Nyx, observing my crew torn between the desire to assist him and the thrill of the spectacle, while Pin discreetly collected wagers in hushed voices, thinking I wouldn't hear.

'Look at them, Nyx. Look at the people you're aiding, putting yourself in peril for these ruffians who are betting on your life. This is the kind of family I have.'

"Help" Nyx pleaded, his voice husky, as the worm's leg slipped gradually and his arms trembled from exhaustion.

'Who the hell would help you when I stood in their way?'

A physical pain gripped my chest as I witnessed his injured state, his drenched hair releasing droplets onto his shirt, his left foot staining the deck with blood. I gritted my teeth. Fuck me, I couldn't bear to watch him suffer any longer. I would be damned if I didn't assist him in protecting whatever he chose to defend. Even if it was a wretched, filthy slimy worm.

"Agenor... please," Nyx implored, his eyes filled with desperation, causing the devil within me to stir with regret.

With one hand, I seized the worm's dangling leg, eliciting a scream of agony as I applied pressure to the wounded thigh. I lifted him and flung him onto the deck, where the bastard rolled a few times before coming to a stop, crying and clutching the leaking hole in his leg. Nyx slipped to the floor and leant back against the edge of the deck, panting heavily.

"Thank you... thank you..." he repeated, his eyes closed in exhaustion.

I was about to kneel and check his bleeding foot when another despicable fool misinterpreted my calm demeanor as that of a composed devil and decided it was time for another spectacle.

[jeeperso]

D&D Quotes Without Context

Ravenloft, Hazlan Arc, part 5

"It’s cool. They stole it." "And you know this how?" "Magic." “90% of Ravenloft deaths are mysterious vanishings.” "Why does everything come out covered in glitter and … is that …" "Lube. I’ve got a few theories." "Please don’t share them."

OOC: This is a plan that ends with Strahd having fewer brides, his castle is in flames, and he’s lost his cape.

OOC: Our team consists of a horny pyromancer, a gnome who can fillete you in five seconds, an HP lovecraft protagonist with actual magic backing them up, a literal slab of iron with a face, and a guy with a "I went to the eternal city of Ryleth and all I got was PTSD and this lousy T shirt". Gorbash smashing his shield into their face: "Have! You! Considered! Therapy!" OOC: Good news is you guys will no longer be the most conspicuous guys at the masquerade now. Jonni: Challenge accepted! "Nyx, the bounty on stealing his fake mustache is still on."

"Lets see, gonna make Jonni Deathlock six, gonna make the cleric a Huecuva, the Dragonborn a skeleton warrior, make a wight with the gnome.... I don't think I can make an undead with the big guy but pretty sure Hazlik wants him personally." Gorebash is offended. "I beat the shit out of the witch-slaying sentient hammer that was trying to gank you and all I merit is a Skeleton Warrior! That hurts Nima. I expect CR3 or better or I'm taking my corpse business elsewhere." "I'm not powerful enough to make you a death knight, Sorry." Jonni: "Wow, Hazzy, you need better minions. We should kill her." OOC: Point is, if you can make liches or Death knights, Hazlik's already killed you and written his name over your grad thesis.

Jonni: "NOPE! No fey queens. Not after last time! Well… maybe just a few times…"

“Hey, I need to ask for some magic stuff, but also I need an outfit for a royal dinner. Something that says, I’m an ostentatious adventurer visitor to your lands, but also that I plan to spending this dinner in the cloak room with one or more of the serving maids.”

As it is most gauche to appear before a darklord with a warpick sized hole in the middle of one's chest.

"... This place has made green things seem ominous to me."

"A giant beanstalk, this is the most unique wizard's tower I've ever seen."

On that note you also notice behind the Beanstalk is what seems like a huge lagoon of bubbling green ooze. Edmund leans to the side to get a good look... Several zombies are working tossing corpses into it, as the corpses hit the ooze they dissolve into it. Edmund leans back to get a less good look before knocking.

"Since he hopefully can't hear us, Your boss is kind of a self absorbed egomaniac... if he didn't have so power I'm sure someone would have thrown a brick at him by now." “I know where we can find bricks.” "Supply of Bricks is not the issue, Jonni." “Everyone says that until the revolt starts. Pays to be prepared.”

“That explains it. You’re about the research, your boss is about applied power of dickery.”

“I hung around a magic school once to let the grad students study me for their thesis.”

“Oh, good fascist wizards. Why can’t we kill him again?” "Phenomenal cosmic power."

"Oh crud, the ooze someone merged some of the corpses together and brought them back to life as a new being. At least that is my wild guess as to what happened here." Willow blinks. "Um, this is unprecedented." “Nah, but usually you need lighting and some grave robbing.”

"I mean I grew a toe out of corn." Willow says, "Its not that far fetched."

"You think, therefore you are. Freedom is your right." “Weird, that magic red self driving wagon I met once said something similar.”

"The Elder Brain will deal with you eventually. You will never escape it." “Clan chief told me that the day I stole his mammoth after he found me with his daughter. Pretty sure that loser is still freezing his tiny grimbas off on fuck-stick mountain.”

at supper, to Mama: "I am forbidden from your kitchen for good reason, but I may require your assistance with my culinary dark arts for the feast." Mama gives you a dirty look. "Who are you trying to kill?" "Not kill, on purpose anyway, just a severe enough food coma."

"Yes, I already reminded the others we can't fake our deaths again." "Yeah that only works so often," Sergei says. Edmund lost a perfectly good watch that day.

OOC: THE FUCKING LENG FOLK HAVE UFOS! MOTHER-FUCKERS!

"Plus we owe you for sending the Sullivans our way. That was a well paying job." "Yeah, except I got those fleas on me and hallucinated I was a pawn broker sign. That was a weird afternoon."

As side effect of the dark cookery, Marshal's armor is well-oiled throughout the day, though Mama insists he be kept away from Jonni or pregnant women.

...you can see ominous black clouds of smoke coming from the wagon all that day. The rats and roaches circling it with anticipation. With the occasional black speech of "Double it." Mama comes rushing out after a bit, holding a rag on her face. "That.. is very ominous." “We’re gonna have to cast this back into the fires of its creation eventually.” "Marshal may serve the gods, but when he cooks he's channeling Asmodeus himself." OOC: The meal must be cast into the deep fryers of Mount McDoom. Only there can it be unmade.

Marshal's player: *rolls natural 20 on cooking check* GM: Congradulations, it's edible. Marshal: "It...is done..." "By all that is holy..." The chocolate is so dark, light cannot escape it’s surface. 50 pounds of butter per square inch. OOC: It occurs to me this is basically a more fucked up retelling of Snow White.

“Gor, going with plan C cup. You know what I like if he starts thinking he’s cute by offering choices of rewards.” "Try not to do anything that requires a rescue."

Marshall is clearly trying to spontaneously multiclass into psionics the way he's trying to vaporize Hazlik with his stare.

"I will draw." Hazlik smiles, places the cards before you, then steps the hell back. Jonni pat Edmunds shoulder and shakes his hand. “It’s been okay knowing you. You were one of the least dickish dudes I ever met. And part of a select few I didn’t want to punch in the balls.”

“You will. Briefly. That’s a promise from Jonathana, She Who Makes Torches of Men. Daughter of Eloise Wolf Slayer, outcast of the Mammoth Tribe, and consort of the 37th Princess of Fuck Mountain.“

OOC: Nima is someone we can actively reach to strangle to death. Dark lords are a bit out of choking range.

OOC: But.... and this is important: Will Edmund ever get pants? OOC: Strahd will consider it.

OOC: Like this is the dark powers going "He looked at me crossways, PUT HIM N THE HOLE."

OOC: If Ravenloft is a jail/prison, this is the equivalent of getting thrown in solitary confinement. OOC: Without pants.

[oversizedbats]

I posted 818 times in 2021

44 posts created (5%)

774 posts reblogged (95%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 17.6 posts.

I added 1,013 tags in 2021

#fanfic - 174 posts

#nessian - 170 posts

#acotar - 140 posts

#memes - 113 posts

#fanart - 109 posts

#acosf spoilers - 83 posts

#nessian fic - 66 posts

#nessianmonth - 54 posts

#illyrianet events - 54 posts

#acosf - 50 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i don’t even care that she did it for cassian it just made me confused bc it did not line up with cassian’s explanation of genetics at all

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Hello Nesta supremacists who follow me - what are we thinking about today?

For me it’s how she made a High Lord who happens to be the most confident male in Prythian fidget-y just by being pretty and looking at him for too long

88 notes • Posted 2021-06-09 20:09:28 GMT

#4

Since I think about Nessian constantly I have another headcanon to offer you all. I know we are all in agreement about Nessian having a whole pack of daughters so on that note I know that personality wise at least one of them would be exactly like Cassian and at least one of them would be exactly like Nesta. And oh my god the FIGHTING that goes on in this house.

Now even normal sisters fight a lot (I know that is hard for the antis to grasp but it is true) but imagine the children of those two hot-headed, argumentative fuckers. The CHAOS and the constant conversation of “girls, stop fighting” “Why? You two fight all the time” heheheh

89 notes • Posted 2021-09-28 19:48:16 GMT

#3

Good morning everyone. I just wanted to say

“There will be no one else, for either of us.”

“Yes” she whispered.

“Ever” he promised.

89 notes • Posted 2021-09-22 13:11:03 GMT

#2

I love to think that post acosf Nesta (after accepting that it’s ok to express emotions other than anger) swings to the opposite extreme for a bit and becomes someone who will cry at anything

And I mean anything, like Nyx does something cute, “why would you kill it?! that spider could’ve had a family”, Cassian raises his voice slightly too loud during training, you name it.

I just love thinking about Cassian (+ Gwyn and Emerie) being like??!???¿??¿ I don’t know what to DO with her. Can’t take her anywhere

91 notes • Posted 2021-09-09 18:28:04 GMT

#1

I find it funny that Feyre’s experience with fae menstrual cycles was like The End of The World (which like... totally valid) and she’s like telling Nesta and Elain it will be EXCRUCIATING. you will feel DEATH at your DOORSTEP you will not be able to sleep, eat, breathe or move for two full weeks. You thought human cycles were bad???? think again. you will question everything you know about pain and your soul will leave your body

and then we get to acosf and Nesta is like “every six months instead of every month??? how convenient” and that’s the end of it. 

154 notes • Posted 2021-05-23 19:17:44 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[foxie-roxie]

why rayllum is a MASTERPIECE part 3

*RUBS MY CLAWS TOGETHER* IT IS SEASON 3 TIME BITCHES AND H O L Y S H I T I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH

i even rewatched it for this!

this time i’ll try to have SOME order, and go by episode. this will however still include unintelligible screaming

1. DAMN THESE FUCKERS BE PINING MORE THAN A PINE TREE FOREST!

first off, affectionate eye rolling, nose boop, and head bonk is the best thing.

second, IF SOMEONE SAYS THAT DURING WHEN CALLUM WAS HELPING RAYLA PUT ON HIS SCARF AND THEY J STARED AT EACHOTHER FOR A BIT BEFORE RAYLA TURNED AWAY THAT HE WAS N O T LOST IN HER EYES? they’re wrong. this is fact now.

third, their teamwork and decision making is excellent. they agree to try and sneak past sol regem, and when that fails try talking to him and then decide to simply trick his senses with the scarf. and instead of rayla shooting down callum’s “smelltriloquism” idea, she simply adds onto it! LOVE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS

“i think it’s good luck!” YES IT IS RAY THAT’S UR BOYFRIENDS SCARF

also, here you go. you’re welcome.

2. STILL PINING. GOD DAMN.

first, CALLUM BEING SO EXCITED BY ALL THE MAGIC IN XADIA IS S O CUTE! MY SON. this might turn into an overrall review of s3. o well

second. FLUSTERED RAYLA AND FLUSTERED CALLUM. Y E S

third, THE ADORABURR FIELD! their smiles were so fond and soft and A. they make me cry of joy. 

an overall look on it, i like how this episode really shows their feelings clearly. no “will they won’t they”, at least for rayla. it’s clear she has feelings.

3. AH FUCK. ANGST.

first i love how when rayla mentions that she’s excited and happy but also terrified, callum tries to comfort her. good boi. best boi.

second, elf callum. i love that scene so much even if the second-hand embarrassment kills me, and rayla is j like “why the fuck do i love you. im gonna kill him.”

third, DANCE! callum not being rude and saying her home is “modest” before rayla explains it’s an illusion, his BLUSH WHEN SHE HELPS HIM, and the softness in general. rayla’s excitement that she’s home and talks abt that she can show callum where she went to school, the best moonberry surprise place, until...

fourth, AH FUCK. A N G S T T I M E. rayla being crest-fallen before callum says that it must’ve been a mistake, and she realizes that ethari would probably understand!

and then CONFIRMED GAYS. YES.

rayla realizing ethari ghosted her too and then callum GOING O F F. he angy and when rayla runs out callum IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWS (like in a later episode) and comforts her again.

when ethari comes down and breaks the spell and says to callum “trees to meet you too” and rayla’s like “don’t encourage him”

also callum trying to get on the shadowpaw and ethari being Concerned is AMAZING. concerned dad content

i’ll talk more about ezran/ruthari/the dark magic trio in a later ted talk

4. H E R E W E G O

first, rayla clearly being sad and callum picking up on that quickly (he even seems to be almost falling on purpose, perhaps to make her smile?) and asking if she’s ok before being shot down by rayla insisting she is fine. GOD DAMN. THAT HURTS.

second, their interaction with nyx is so amazing. rayla being protective of zym and callum being a DORK is awesome, but also their decision making.

after rayla reluctantly decides that they can go see how nyx could get them across the desert so quickly, they see the ambler and then their reasoning is amazing.

“what do you think?”

“the dragon queen is dying.” and then i forget the rest of the exact quote but they give a subtle nod to eachother. they make their decisions TOGETHER. AS A TEAM. AND THAT’S ON HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS X2!

third, callum continuing to gently press for rayla to express her emotions. he doesn’t pressure her, but seems to simply let her know that if she needs to talk (when she insists she’s fine), he is there. 

four, MORE FLUSTERED RAYLLUM. YES. TY NYX but also fuck u for taking zym but also ur hot- A N Y W A Y

five. OOOOOOH. MY FAVORITE SCENE.

rayla’s crying and callum tries to reassure her. nyx is plotting, while rayla runs away and callum follows. Y E S.

rayla talks about how there’s nobody left that cares about her and she lost everything.. and then the SPEECH. i have this speech memorized i’ve watched this scene so many times

"JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY. JUST, LISTEN TO ME. YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. I KNOW THAT, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT. YOU HAVE TRUE COURAGE, AND A BIG HEART! I'VE SEEN YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN SO MANY TIMES AND EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. YOU GET UP AGAIN. THAT'S REAL STRENGTH. AND.. AND YOU'RE TEN TIMES FUNNIER THAN ANY HUMAN I KNOW! chuckle SEE? SEE YOU KNOW YOU'RE AMAZING. YOU'RE SMART AND FAST AND BEAUTIFUL. RAYLA YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I'VE EVER MET."

LOVE THEMMM

and then rayla kisses him and that’s all that happened. callum was not a dumbass. right? RIGHT???

5. MY FAVORITE EPISODE!

first, rayla saving callum from the soulfang serpents and callum helping her get up is AMAZING, LOVE THAT.

second, callum tryna get a good position and rayla j saying to hold onto her and callum GETTING FLUSTERED. BOY IS PINING also he didn’t have to hold her that close.

“I DON’T THINK OF HER THAT WAY” “YOU AND I DON’T HAVE THAT YET” LIAR.

three, THEM JUMPING OFF THE AMBLER AND. THAT WHOLE MOMENT? THE ROMANTIC TENSION IS KILLING ME

four. DAMN CALLUM RLLY DO BE HAVING HEART EYES @ RAYLA WHILE SHE KILLS LIKE 80 SOULFANGS HE IS PINING PART 2

five. THE SPEECH. THE SOFTNESS. THE KISSES. GOD DAMN. FAVORITE SCENE OUT OF THE ENTIRETY OF TDP. LOVE THEM.

also here you go again

what can i say except YOU’RE WELCOME

6. ANGST BUT ALSO FLUFF ALSO REUNION

once again won’t b talking abt ezran specifically but there’s some passing mentions of him from now on

first, rayla and callum reaching the stone thunder and callum asking “is it... a statue?” and rayla sadly saying “no. it’s not a statue” A. I CRI.

1.5 ayla and callum best dragon parents

i’ll get to an actual analysis later

second, THIS MOMENT IS UNDERRATED EVEN THO IT’S ONE OF MY FAVS why has nobody mentioned the lil tender moment where ezran is by phoe-phoe and rayla puts her hand on callum’s shoulder AND CALLUM PUTS HIS HAND ON HERS. SO SWEET.

third, OK I’LL STOP MOST OF MY UNINTELLIGIBLE SHRIEKS AND ACTUALLY ANALYZE THIS.

callum is upset because of thunder and rayla sympathizes immediately. this is similar to how callum lets rayla let out her own emotions, and rayla is doing the same. he explains how he feels angry, upset, confused, sad, and rayla quickly empathizes. he keeps on venting, not knowing whether to feel regretful, or glad, and how he’s confused because that’s sarai’s spear. he feels sorry that all this happened, but rayla reassures him that zym and ezran are going to break the cycle! that’s hope! and then they hold hands and i screech

AND THAT’S SO FUCKING HEALTHY AND I LOVE IT. THEY RLLY BREAK ALL BAD HET RELATIONSHIP STEREOTYPES (coughbutistillheadcanonthembothasbiandcallumistransilldieonthishillcough)

7. angst but not rayllum angst so its ok

first, they begin to go up the storm spire and i really love their banter. “and i’m guessing the dragon queen didn’t make her den at a nice, halfway kinda place?” “nope. tiptop!”

cuties.

second, ASSDHFNF THE FACT THEY M O C K THE IDEA OF A FORBIDDEN RELATIONSHIP. THEY’RE IN LOVE AND THE WORLD CAN DEAL WITH IT. LOVE THAT FOR THEM

third, RAYLA CATCHING CALLUM. IT’S. NOT RLLY BIG I JUST LIKE IT AND THINK IT’S CUTE HOW EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ALSO OUT OF BREATH SHE RAN UP TO CATCH HIM. 

four, AHSDHGDHFG THEY DEADASS FORGOT EZRAN WAS THERE. more flustered rayllum i love that

8. FUCK IT’S RAYLLUM ANGST NOOOO

one, ibis is j a good boi. back to rayla and callum

two, rayla going in to see the dragon queen and when she runs out callum QUICKLY FOLLOWS to see if she’s ok. asks her if she’s ok, and she OPENS UP!! CHARACTER GROWTH BABY!!! and then they hold hands and i once again shriek

three, AH. HELLO ANGST.

before we go to the actual angst, can i say that THE LAUGH AFTER RAYLA SAID “STORM SNEEZE” IS SO CUTE. CALLUMS IN LOVE. MY SON.

oh no.

*bonks rayla on the head* nO SELF SACRIFICING!!

although their fight is super angsty and i hate it, it does provide some conflict and more plot because it gives callum a reason to want to find out the truth about rayla’s parents. and then he does! people argue that this fight was unnecessary or that callum was a jerk, but this was needed i think. he did let his worry become a bit of anger, and that was not a nice move, but he knows he fucked up and fixes it!

and then we get soft rayllum this is fine

9. AND YOU THOUGHT LAST EPISODE WAS BAD N O *CRYING*

there’s not much rayllum featured in this ep, but the amount we do get is 80 PERCENT ANGST AND I WASN’T OK WITH IT

first, the fluff! callum trying to do the wing spell and rayla teasing “did you pull a muscle in the middle of a jumping jack?” is so cute. i LOVE THEM. also they hold hands and i SH RIEK again. 

also soren how dare you interrupt callum he was abt to confess

second, callum when he’s explaining the battle plan and his ZAP HAND. rayla is j watching him like “yep. that is my dork.”

and CALLUM SEEMS SO FOND WHEN JANAI CALLS RAYLA THE LAST DRAGONGUARD. PERHAPS I SOB

skipping forward in time a bit for the angst oh no

third, callum going up to the storm spire after ez encouraging him to go to rayla. love that soft brotherly relationship. and we think “oh, soft rayllum, right?”

NO. VIREN’S UP THERE.

fourth, THEY DIDN’T NEED ME TO BE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR WTF. the fact that rayla’s blade went right in front of callum and he looks up and sees zym in danger, viren is there, and RAYLA is there, p a n i k.

and then rayla jumps and the entire rayllum fandom SC REAMS after callum’s “no!” before she jumps and “no, no, no, RAYLA!”

fifth, CALLUM NO WHY ARE YOU JUMPING TOO- oh wait its ok he did the wings and im still crying fuck

THAT CONFESSION THO- i cri tears of joy now. they’re in love

sixth, I J WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE EZRAN SHOWED UP. like it’s clear that they’re talking or something, but abt what is the question. also yes they hug and raylas fond

seventh, THEY HOLD HANDS!! soft bbs,,,

AAAND IM DONE! this is. quite long so if you read all of this i hope u have a good day and thnx for listening to me ramble with some coherent thoughts

[leiahal]

Sweet Mafia

The Bar:

The Bowie knife glistened with crimson as the man before her crumpled to the ground in a heap of sobs and blood. She gripped the dagger tight in her hand and narrowed her amber eyes that shadowed the devil himself.

“Anyone else want to challenge my authority? I’ll surely carve you into nothing as he before me.” Eerie silence met her. “Good, now get this fucker out of my presence.” She snapped handing her right hand man the knife and walked away with a sway to her hips.

He quickly wiped the blood off of the blade and followed her.

“Why must these males question me?” She sighs in aggravation.

“That I have no idea Cass.” He replies.

“Tyson how could I ever thank you for being by my side through all of this?” Tye was her best friend since she could remember. She took over the mafia after her father had passed and Tyson followed in the footsteps as his mother before him. No matter what happened the Nyx and Wilder family were always in charge. Man or woman, it did not matter.

“You know I would never leave your side Cassiopeia.” Yes her name was a mouthful be he only said it when he was absolutely truthful. Plus he’d never lied to her.

The two were a team to be feared as were each generation before them.

She turned to him and smiled a genuine smile, “What would I do without you Tye?”

“Probably get yourself arrested.” He chuckled.

“Oh don’t be coy, you know the government comes to us for their.. special tasks, they wouldn’t dare arrest me.” There was a wicked glint in her eye as she reminisced the last job given by the government, that was a bloodbath.

Well.. for the opposing side since their weapons were new and improved by the best weapon makers themselves.

“Ms. Nyx we have word from K.C. that a shipment is coming to the docks at 12 noontime, most likely the smuggling of drugs from the cartel.” Lucy, the youngest but most fiercest to be accepted into the family said. Yes the mafia is a family not by blood of course but they’ve all bled for each other as if they were. Bonded by violence and retribution. Cass had a soft spot for the girl and adored her as if she had birth her, herself. Occasionally her stone eyes would soften when she saw the girl only 15 years of age.

“Thank you Ce have your brothers tend to the matter and you can go back to your classes.” The woman nodded and gave the girl a small smile.

“Yes ma’am.” Lucy exited the room with a brilliant smile upon her face going to alert her brothers.

“That little girl..” Cass shook her head, “How unfortunate but fortunate for us, her family abandoned her. I am glad Marcel found her and brought her to us.”

“She is truly something else.” Tyson agrees.

“Alright Tye I’m gonna go to the bar, you coming with?” Cass questions.

“No, I’m pretty sure you can handle yourself, I’ve got to pick up my mother’s medication.” Tyson’s mother was sick, been sick ever since Cass’s father passed. They were sure it was just a coincidence though. Surely no one would try to blatantly poison them lest they wish for death.

“Give Monti my love.” She took Tyson into a short but meaningful hug and exited the building and pulling off in her car.

Black silk spaghetti strap shirt, high waisted skirt with fishnet stockings and platform high heels. Pocket knife in her garters and a choker around her neck. One kick ass shaved design on the side of her head as the rest of her hair flows freely in her natural curls. With a slit in her eyebrow and thick lips, a slender neck to a decent sized D cup breast and inked arms she was a force to be reckoned with. She wasn’t skinny that was for sure, she was muscular, built. Thighs that could kill if given the chance.

Cassiopeia was a gorgeous independent woman. She never looked for solace in anyone, she provided her own safe haven.

She strut into the bar looking sexier than she ever could knowing not one would dare try to touch her. She owned the damn town.

The bar tender gave her what she always got, silver on the rocks. A tequila drink, Tyson always chided her on her choice of drink when she could be sipping the most fine wines.

She disliked wine however.

Looks like she got here just in time as two started to argue just about a foot away from her. She scoffed at how easily men fought when given liquor and a piece of eye candy they’d never get any off.

“Back off, you little shit she’s mine. Why don’t you be with your own slut too busy opening her legs for others.” The taller guy said practically all in the buffer guy’s face. The brute in the chair grunts in response still feeling on the woman’s thigh. The woman looked almost uncomfortable between the two men fighting over her before things took a sickening turn.

The taller fellow pushed the man in the chair. The brute got up and pushed him back harder. The two started full on fighting and no one cared to stop them... that was until he came in.

Pitch black hair, tall, strong jawline but soft dimples a not too muscular but still muscular built body, toned calves, apparently stark white perfect teeth and clear blue beautiful eyes any would die to have. His voice like velvet to Cass’s ears, the simple sound started a fire that grew within her, slow but burning bright.

“Hey! Hey! Stop it!” He tried to separate the men fighting causing him to get punched and knocked back.

Cass sprang into action without thinking and grabbed her knife out her garter. With one quick throw of the knife and a hold on one’s bicep it temporarily paralyzed the two fighting. She finally push the two apart and told them to leave. There was no back talk they got their things and left. The girl looked relieved and the guy on the floor holding his jaw looked up to her in amazement. Cass grabbed her knife and wiped off the little blood that was on it and put it back in her garter. The extended her hand to the guy on the floor and pulled him to his feet.

“H-hi.” He stuttered to say.

“Hello.” She smiled— yes actually smiled to someone and it wasn’t an evil smile. Or one only Tye and Lucy got to see.

“My name’s Jayce but uh you can call me Jay.” He rubbed the back of his neck as a blush crept up his neck.

“Cassiopeia but you can call me Cass.” She wanted to giggle but she had a facade to uphold. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

“C-could I buy you a drink first?” Jay’s cheeks stained red and that wasn’t just the blow to his jaw.

“Sure Jay. Why not.” She smiled.

He wasn’t anything special to the average person around here but from then on he was more than special to Cass.

[crystalelemental]

FE Fates Replay - Part 6

Okay...okay, I think I’m over Peri being here.  Kinda.  Not really, but enough to move on with our lives.  God I hate her...  Her levels have been better than some of my units with Aptitude!  You couldn’t even just make her a bad unit?!

Ugh, whatever, chapter 12.  The map itself is actually really cool.  The idea is that there are a ton of jars lining the field, and they’re filled with poison or medicine.  You can tell which is which when you hover over them.  Attacking a medicine jar heals you or increases stats or something, for all units within a few spaces.  Poison harms you, brings you down to half HP, or lowers stats, again, for all units with a few spaces.  The concept of the map is to navigate through the maze by breaking the medicine pots strategically to make your way forward.  I actually really like the concept of the map.  I’m just...not entirely clear why this place, the most advanced medicinal center of the world, has a bunch of jars of poison laying out.  Or the medicine, for that matter.  You’d think they’d have a storage space for that shit, instead of leaving it lying around.  Kinda strange, when you think about it.

Anyway, Ryoma is here, but you don’t have to fight him.  You can either beat him, or escape within 16 turns.  Failure to do so probably means Elise dies, since you can’t use her this chapter because of the illness.  Saizo and Kagero are the mini-bosses, in a sense.  They hover right near that nice dragon vein that shatters all the jars, and are paired up so they’re more defensive.  Frankly, they seem kinda scary.  High speed, high evasion, able to hit close or distant foes, and having an attack on them just negated if you miss too often?  Pretty brutal.  Or, well, it would’ve been, if Dragon Corrin wasn’t huge.  She basically one-shot Saizo right away, and then massacred Kagero.  It was not even fair, frankly.  They didn’t deserve that hard an ass-whupping.

Now here’s where I want to note again: I am playing Casual.  So at this point, I made a save, and did two different approaches.  One was breaking all the jars instantly and seeing how that played out, and the other was leaving them.  Leaving them lets you be a bit more precise in your movements, but I honestly found breaking them all immediately to be way more effective.  A lot of enemies get hit with the poison, and since you’re causing the break, you can set up your units out of harm’s way.  That said, this does immediately open up the path for like 10 ranged enemy units to swarm you, and most are ninjas so your defenses drop really fast.  It’s surprisingly dangerous.  I’m sure there’s a better way to handle this map, but we’re on a timer here so instead, Dragon Corrin is just going to bait all your fuckers out and take like no damage, then have everyone else run in and smash them to death.  With that, all the remains is Ryoma.  Who is also no match for Dragon Corrin’s hugeness.  I paired her up with Nyx, and she deal something outrageous like 25 damage to Ryoma in that single hit, and took like 6.  Being a dragon is kickass.  Her dialogue with Ryoma is about the same as usual, but I did have Azura land the final blow, getting her unique dialogue with Ryoma as well.  Honestly, it’s more of the “Ah, so you’ve betrayed us Azura!” stuff, and how I guess nobody from Nohr can be trusted.

Look...I get it.  Nohr is the instigator in a war here.  They are, by all accounts, the bad guys here.  But my god if I’m not tired of having every single conversation with the Hoshidans turn into then yelling about all Nohrians being scum, and how being treacherous is just in their blood, yadda yadda.  I know I shouldn’t conceptualize it this way, but my god do the Hoshidans come off as way more belligerent.  Sure, we have the inside perspective of what the Nohrians in general are like, being inside the kingdom, but like...okay, imagine in Heroes, if everyone who met Laegjarn and Laevatein just kept shouting about how they’re horrible awful people and their whole kingdom is a bunch of back-stabbing sub-humans.  That’s basically how Hoshido approaches Nohr, solely because the king is insane and evil.  I get that they’re angry, and they’re right to be so, but their approach to people legitimately trying to act with a sense of decorum and decency is still to constantly call them scum and dismiss the whole kingdom.  Seriously, fuck you guys.

After Ryoma gets fucking bodied, Elise is given the medicine and is back to full strength!  From here we are given our next assignment.  There’s another rebellion in Cheve, and we’re to put it down.  Boy Garon, you’re sure doing a great job leading, what with the constant rebellions going on.  So, off to Cheve it is, where we meet...oh god yes.  It’s Takumi again.  Oh man, I am going to kick his ass into the fucking dirt.  He yells more stuff about Nohr being traitors and shoots Elise with an arrow, securing his death.  The rebellion is all mad and shit, and Corrin gives another order to not kill anyone.  Early on, we get two new characters, Benny and Charlotte.  Benny doesn’t stand out much at all, so not much to report.  Charlotte...is the only character whose outfit might be worse than Camilla’s.  The win still goes to Camilla, because...my god, lady.  But Charlotte is a front-line warrior, who’s barely wearing clothes.  I think I’d be less pissed if her defense growth wasn’t so high.  Look, this is a series with units in heavy armor and units in cloth armor.  There’s meant to be a distinction in which stats are good.  Her having great defense is not following the damned rules!  Also I think the armor part above the cleavage pisses me off too.  Like, if you’re going for the whole seductive appearance, go all out.  That stupid little bit of armor ain’t doin’ shit anyway.  That said though, her introduction is threatening to kill everyone for being too noisy at night, so like...I can relate.  Might be another situation of “solid character, shitty costume.”  But she sucks up to Corrin really hard, so she’s kind of all about the attention from others, and is a bit of a gold-digger in general.  So we’ll see if that goes anywhere in supports.

Map itself isn’t that interesting, so once you win, Hans, of course, does his thing and starts killing everyone.  “Uh, um...the king!  Yeah, the king totally told me to do it, so you gotta follow my lead on this one!”  Camilla apparently agrees and insists that there’s nothing we can do here.  Listen...I’m pretty sure there’s a solid argument for not listening to the current commanding officer being a punishable offense.  I get the king’s decree and all, but you know how Leo and the others constantly think around the problem and look like they’re obeying but don’t actually obey?  Yeah.  This is like...the easiest time to do that.  Evacuate the townsfolk and sticking Camilla’s axe in the back of Hans’ skull, and call it a day.  The village is gone, as far as the king knows, and Hans’ death was in battle.  They don’t know the difference.  “Oh, but Iago might be spying on them.”  Bullshit.  Iago could be doing a lot of things, but he only shows up to be slightly annoying.  Besides, if he were really so vigilant, then Leo wouldn’t be able to pull of anything he’s pulled off in the game.  We can’t throw out “Iago is watching” as a convenient catch-all for everyone, except for Leo because the plot needs to make us think that he’s the clever one so no one else is allowed to think around problems.

Chapter 14, the group arrives for some more rest in Cyrkensia, which mostly seems to be about a big theater.  It’s a neutral territory, which I wasn’t aware existed in this conflict.  Leo finally joins us and is around, I guess.  Corrin attempts to confront Garon about the situation in Cheve, and he’s just like “Good job on killing all those innocents.  I hear you even seemed to enjoy the work.  That’s the kind of thing I expect of you.”  Like, buddy.  Guy.  Are you an idiot?  You know full damn well Hans was full of shit on that report, and by now you know that Corrin wasn’t going to go along with it either.  Honestly, this is the biggest problem with Garon, he’s inconsistent.  For such a merciless guy, he sure keeps giving Corrin a ton of second chances after she constantly and consistently defies him.  Almost like...everyone’s kinda full of shit?  And that Corrin can do whatever she wants because plot armor?  Weird.

Azur-uh, the totally mysterious performer on stage, gosh-golly who could it be, attempts to sing this magic song that is too lit for the king to handle, so he has a combined orgasm/heart attack and nearly bites it.  Iago, ever the clever advisor, is like “HOLY SHIT, THAT PERFORMER CAST A CURSE ON THE KING!”  I...don’t think that’s particularly likely, guy.  But no, everyone just goes along with that, as if it’s the obvious answer.  So yeah, I guess that’s what we’re doing now.  Catch the mysterious singer.  Oh, wait, the Hoshidans are here.  Better fight them first.

Keaton shows up, mostly because he has no sense of direction and kinda just bumblefucked his way here.  He seems cool.  Wolf man that collects bugs and shit.  He’s alright.  The map itself was pretty uninteresting.  Mostly it’s just a lot of flying and ranged units on very narrow paths, so it’s kinda hard to defend everyone effectively when the enemy is so much less hindered by the terrain.  Also there’s a cleric who uses the Freeze staff, and my god am I already getting tired of that one.

After the map, Garon commands you to kill all the performers in this neutral territory, because that’ll go over well on the global stage.  Sure doubt that’ll set the neutral territories in motion against you.  Corrin is mortified and does that arguing thing, and Leo gets to be the only smart one and takes her aside, and tells her that they’re going to follow orders by looking in really unlikely places so everyone can escape.  See, this is what I’m talking about!  Iago’s literally in this general area, and yet the plan is spelled out and carried out without a hitch!  Why couldn’t anyone have figured this out back in Cheve?!

Chapter 15, this is another fun map.  Corrin is still upset about all the needless killing lately, and sees Azura taking a walk as well.  Thinking about how similar their situations are, she follows, and finds Azura sinking into a lake!  Fearful that she’s drowning, Corrin chases Azura, and falls through the lake herself, into this mystery world full of weird soldiers that are apparently not able to feel any emotion at all and just seek to kill.  Gunter shows up and is apparently alive and well here, so that’s cool.  Really, there’s a lot I can recall that pisses me off about this hidden world, but that’s for a much later time when they try to explain shit.  For now, just know that I hate this place.

The map itself is neat.  The dragon vein splits your party into two copies, one in the north and one in the south.  A unit and their copy share damage and stat changes, so anything that hurts one hurts the other.  Also only the real Azura in the north can do the singing thing.  It’s a neat concept, and having only three units to do it is an interesting limitation, but...one of them is Azura, who is very weak, and her copy can’t even provide multiple turns.  And the other is Gunter, whose stats are not terrible but who comes with no preparation and the worst growths in the entire game for some reason.  At least you get a bunch of stat upgrading items if you can clear it fully.

Now...this is where things get dumb.  Azura informs you that you must jump off this cliff, and you’ll arrive at the bottomless pit that Gunter got kicked into.  Why?  Dunno, that’s just how they’re connected.  Corrin asks why they can’t just go back through the water, and Azura informs her that only Azura and Corrin are able to do that, so Gunter would get left behind.  Corrin asks the logical follow up of “Why the hell would that be the case?” but this question is ignored so that there’s more shit they can explain in the true route.  I’d call this foreshadowing, but I think foreshadowing comes with a degree of subtlety.  Azura jumps, and Corrin follows, with Gunter going last.  Oh, I forgot something.  Azura informs them that “time flows differently in this hidden world,” which is bullshit code for “we needed a way to get Corrin and Azura alone for this next scene, so Gunter not showing up immediately with them is because the flow of time is convoluted.”  So begins the true contrivance train.  Azura uses a magic crystal from the hidden world that can show you the truth of things.  She uses this to show Corrin the truth of King Garon, that he is a weird goo monster!  Literally, he’s made of goo.  Callie didn’t believe me when I called him a goo monster, but she has since acknowledged this is the only explanation for him.  What does this mean?  No idea.  Initially, I would’ve said he was killed and replaced by the thing, but Azura further explains that her performance in Cyrkensia (*gasp* It was her the whole time?!), was to restore Garon to his senses, implying that he’s still the same human, just corrupted into...whatever this is.  Somehow.  God, I hope they can explain how the fuck this happened, but I doubt they can.  Azura explains that this song was the only way to restore him, and that it failing means there’s only one option - regicide.  About time someone on this fucking team started talking any sense.

CONTRIVANCE TWO!  Corrin says no one else would go along with this, and that they can’t tell the other siblings about this because, as Azura explained earlier, if you talk about the other world, you’re cursed and get drawn back in, never to leave.  Because if you could just talk about the problem, then this entire plot, from start to fucking finish, would be resolved in the span of like 5 minutes.  We needed a contrivance to say why they can’t just do that.  But hey, you know, Awakening’s story just wasn’t that good, and we’re here to do a better job.  They remember the Hoshidan throne, and that sitting upon it would restore someone’s true memories and shit, so their new plan is to gain Garon’s trust and have him sit atop that throne and be revealed as a good monster.  So let’s just run with that.

Chapter 16, Xander finally joins us!  He has a nice introduction with Corrin and Azura in particular, mentioning that when Azura came to Nohr, it was with Garon’s second wife, Arete.  Now...I’m confused.  So, diving into things from my last playthrough, Mikoto and Arete are siblings, from Valla.  Arete had Azura before marrying Garon, so I’m assuming that Garon must’ve already had his four kids by the time she shows up, since none of the Nohrian siblings are apparently related.  But Xander only mentions Camilla and “later, Leo” in his explanation of the other siblings liking her despite the masses not liking her.  So...when were the kids born?  Because in addition to this, apparently Elise has no memories of her father ever being a good person, which I believe happened shortly after Arete, who must’ve come in after Leo was born but maybe not before Elise?  It’s so fucking confusing.

Anyway, we’re on the direct war-path with Hoshido.  We’re told to go by sea, since they’d never expect a sea-based attack!  Garon makes some comment about outsmarting them at every turn, and it’s like...guy, listen.  I know you think this is super clever, but unless the Hoshidans are full-on dumbasses, they thought about the fact that the navy can get to them too.  Iago also attempts to be a shit, by asking where Corrin and Azura went last night.  Corrin, in the span of like two seconds, seems to have learned how to lie really well, and gives the story that they went out for a stroll, encountered some unknown soldiers, and killed them all.  She even parrots Garon’s thing about rebellion and seeds and all that.  Our girl is learning...

No sooner do you leave port than you are besieged by pirates.  Yes, pirates have snuck aboard, and are taking all the gold you set off with!  ...a few questions.  (1) Why is this gold not in your pockets?  (2) When you win, why is some of the money gone forever?  You’re at sea, and there are no pirate vessels nearby.  They all snuck aboard ahead of time, and have no exit point.  So where the hell did the money go?  This mechanic makes no sense.  I will admit though, I do like the idea of balancing keeping your characters alive, and saving as much money as you can in this kind of route where funds are limited.  It’s a cool idea, it just doesn’t make sense.  You’ll also note that the goal is “beat the boss,” but the boss isn’t present.  Part of your goal is to identify which Nohrian soldier is in disguise, and out them as the leader.  Again, really cool idea, for a fairly nonsense map.

There isn’t a ton going on with the map outside of this, but you unmake the boss, Shura, and probably kick his ass really hard now that you have Xander.  Shura talks a lot, but the only thing of value he says is that he’s the one who had kidnapped Azura as a baby, under orders from Yukimura, the tactician for Hoshido.  Shura explains that he doesn’t really have allegiance to either nation, but wants to avenge the death of his clan.  You are given the option to kill him or spare his life.  I sincerely thought about killing him, just to know what happens, but I did let him live.  Corrin thinks he deserves a break after all the shit that’s happened to him, so that’s fair I guess.  With this, we press on toward Hoshido.

UGH.  God, I knew the plot would take a downturn, and here we are.  EVERYTHING about that hidden world, Valla, is just stupid beyond words.  I hate its existence.  Even just smaller things at this point bother me.  There’s no reason Leo has to be the only one with an ounce of sense.  Hell, he even states that all the siblings have become masters of seeming to obey while making judgment calls for the greater good, yet no one else is allowed to demonstrate this ability because then Leo loses his only characteristic so far, being clever.  Honestly, the characters have been doing okay, but the plot’s holding them back.  So next time, instead of plot, I’m going to be doing the supports.  All of them.  We gotta figure out who’s getting paired up with who, after all.  So stay tuned for me going insane, because now I have to deal with Peri talking.  God...if you’re listening...please...look down upon the development team for Three Houses.  If they’re making another fucking character like Peri, where she’s just infantile and murder-happy, give them a sign that they need to knock that shit off.

[seladorie]

A Royal Soulmate Side Stories: Chapter 5

@rationallyparanoid​: "I was curious what the glaives were doing/thinking whilst hunting for Prompto. I'd love to see how Tredd felt after having his gun stolen and then being shot with it. Bet he'll never live it down XD"

here you go, and here it is on AO3. 

this was a great prompt for my bad mood. I love writing the glaives

They can’t fucking find the assassin.

The best assassins in all of Eos, and they can’t fucking find one guy—one! And he’s blond! He should stick out like a sore thumb in Insomnia! In all of Lucis even, it shouldn’t be this hard!

But no. A day, two, and then suddenly it’s almost an entire week since the assassin escaped from the Citadel.

Drautos is pissed.

“He’s a blond Niff is a sea of dark-haired Lucians,” the Captain says. “How hard can he be to find?”

“We’re trying, sir,” Luche reports. “He’s skilled at eluding us.”

The Captain eyes him, and sighs. “I suppose a Resistance fighter who survived the Empire would be,” which is the closest thing to understanding that Luche’s is going to get from Drautos. “But we can’t fail. In times of peace, the Kingsglaive still has its place—but we must prove it, and bring this boy in safely.” He drums his fingers thoughtfully against his desk. “How have you been organizing the sweeps?”

“We’ve been going in a grid fashion, sir,” Luche says. “But he could be anywhere in the city. We know he hasn’t left the city due to the increase of guards at the border, but that limits how many we can send on sweeps.”

“The city is a large place,” Drautos says, pondering. “Lots of places to hide. Especially if you’re used to worse than ideal conditions.”

Luche waits.

The Captain continues, “And if you’re used to stealing to survive. We can’t let this assassin have free run of Insomnia under our noses. Luche, get one of the recordings from when we brought him in, get me a good picture of his face, and let’s broadcast this shit.”

He startles. “Sir?”

Drautos grins a bit viciously. “He can run only where we’re not looking for him. So let’s get everybody looking for him. It’ll be like smoking him out.”

“But he’s injured, sir,” Luche says. “Do we really want to… put so much pressure on him?”

“If we don’t,” Drautos says, “we might just end up finding him dead in the sewers at the rate we’re going. We have to bring him in, and quickly.”

…

Getting permission to post the assassin’s face on TV is a nightmare. None of the royals wanted their soulmate’s face as a wanted person on the news, but their concern for his well-being over-rided their fear of publicity. Remarkably sensible, for nobility.

And it works. To an extent. The fifth time the Kingsglaives are summoned to an apartment just too late to catch the guy some neighbor called in about who matched the photograph on TV, Luche considers asking the Captain to revise their approach.

“You don’t think he’s actually in the sewers?” Tredd asks, nose scrunched up as he pokes the manhole cover with his toe. “That fucker already shot me, I’m not going into a sewer for him.”

Luche thinks about it. “We should consider it. It sure would be a place to hide.”

“But the sewers?” Tredd asks incredulously. “We know he’s staying in empty apartments as much as possible.”

“And to get to place to place,” Luche says slowly. “He must be using the sewers and the subway to get around.”

Tredd snorts. “Like a fucking Niff rat.”

“Tredd,” Luche says. “It’s the Prince’s soulmate. Be careful.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Tredd mutters. “He shot me, with my own gun.”

Luche sighs. “Get into the sewer, Tredd.”

…

They don’t find the assassin in the sewer, which Tredd will never let Luche forget.

Nyx finds him, in an alleyway by some garbage, unconscious and feverish.

“I found him,” Nyx says over the comm. “I think—this is him. Yes, it definitely is.”

“Wait for back-up,” Drautos commands. “He’s dangerous.”

“He’s unconscious,” Nyx retorts because he never shows the Captain enough respect and that isn’t going to change now over an assassin. “He looks dead. He needs immediate medical attention.”

“Ulric, wait for one goddamned second for back-up,” Dratos says, “the others are literally a minute away, if you die over one minute—”

“I’m checking his pulse. I’ll be careful,” Nyx says, and there’s a brief moment of silence save for the Captain’s cursing where everything could have been fine, and there’s suddenly a gasp and a thud.

“Ulric, report,” Drautos hisses.

“Hey, hey, easy,” comes Nyx’s voice, smooth and warm and not reassuring in the slightest. The Captain’s grip on his desk goes white. “I just wanted to check your wounds.”

It only gets worse from there. They listen, tense, as Nyx lets them know there’s a gun held to his head by a delirious assassin. When Nyx orders the others who have caught up, because they were in fact, literally a minute away, to back off, Drautos says into the comms, “Absolutely do not retreat. Take out the assassin before he pulls the trigger.”

“Captain, if it’s held against his head, there won’t be enough time,” Luche says, trying to make sure this doesn’t end with Nyx’s idiot brains all over the wall. No matter how much he would deserve that.

“It’s pressed up against his throat,” Crowe says, voice thin and tight. “I can’t even cast a spell without the assassin having the time to get one shot in.”

Nyx is talking and talking, and all they can do is wait, and hope that they’re not losing one of their own on a stupid domestic mission. Luche personally vows to kill Nyx himself when he asks the assassin, “Are you going to?” after the assassin says he could kill him. He can see the little half-smirk on Nyx’s face as he says it to—confident, lazy, and more relaxed than he ever has any right to be.  

“Nyx, if you die, I’m pissing on your grave,” Luche says, before he can think better of it.

“We won’t give him a grave,” Drautos says, and Luche suddenly remembers he’s in the same room as the Captain. “We’ll string up his corpse as a warning to others.”

Nyx ignores them both, thanks the gods. He somehow keeps talking to the assassin, somehow charming him and likely making promises he won’t be able to keep.

Or maybe he will. He can’t speak for the royalty though, and while Nyx thinks the best of them out of most of the Glaives, they’re never beholden to the words of one of their weapons.

But it doesn’t matter. They can lie to the assassin.

As long as they bring him in alive. When the weak and resigned, “Okay. I’ll come with you,” comes through, Luche and Drautos both relax minutely. When Nyx is in the company of other Glaives and safely heading to the Citadel, they both sit down.

The Captain pulls out his ear piece. “This assassin is going to be trouble.”

“Yeah,” Luche says, pulling out his own. “He is.”

“Fucking Ulric,” Drautos says.

“Fuck him,” Luche agrees.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Positioning Is Everything

I play an Eladrin Rogue named Phukar in our Keep on Shadowfell campaign. All of us are fairly new players, including the DM. We’ve got Sylvia (Elven Warlock), Elf (Elven Warden), Nyx (DM’s Gnome Sorcerer and Phukar’s adopted daughter), and Swaggitha (DM’s Shifter Shaman). We’ve finally reached the final boss, Kalarel, and have to stop him from opening the rift. Unfortunately, he’s got ridiculously high AC.

DM: Heads up, if you guys wanna do something to try to like, remove robes and stuff like that, that can lower his AC.

Phukar (OOC): … Can I pants Kalarel?

DM: (Over everyone’s laughter) Yes! That is precisely what I’m saying! Pants Kalarel, show his dick to the world!

[A few moments later]

DM: (As everyone decides what they’re wanting to do) Nyx is going to use Mage Hand to try to pants Kalarel.

Sylvia (OOC): She technically had advantage!

DM: Yes, she does!

Elf (OOC): He’s marked, by the way!

DM: (Rolls and counts up) That’s a 17, plus her strength… (DM grins) So basically, she takes Mage Hand and just kind of swipes and pantses Kalarel.

Phukar (OOC): (As everyone starts to laugh) So how big is it?

DM: Rolling for dick size! (Rolls a d8) It’s about 6 inches.

Phukar (OOC): Alright, so pretty average.

Sylvia (OOC): I love that you rolled a d8 for that!

DM: Well, yeah, because averages - here, let’s roll- (Rolls a d20) 19! It’s taller than he is! You don’t know HOW it was contained in there. It was wrapped up in a small little corner.

Phukar (OOC): (As everyone dies of laughter once more) Let’s go with the 6!

[A few more moments later]

DM: Humans - killed. Portal - opened. Dick - OUT!

Phukar (OOC): I am forcibly removed from the Keep on Shadowfell.

[There’s a short moment while I’m thinking]

Phukar: So I waltz right up to this guy and what I’m gonna do is Setup Strike. (Fails my roll) Okay, dang it. Well, for my minor action, I’m gonna take my dagger and cut his pants in half. (Rolls) Uh… 19?

DM: (Rolls) The pants are not that strong! You’re just like, ‘I’ve learned to cut clothes off very quickly before. I’ve done this many times!’

Phukar: Oh, more than you’d guess.

DM: (Starts to go to the next person)

Phukar (OOC): Wait! I just want to point out that to properly cut those pants, he probably had to get on his knees. Meaning, Phukar is on his knees in front of Kalarel. (Everyone collectively dies of laughter) He’s on his knees in front of Kalarel. And, can I use the free action for speaking?

DM: Yeah?

Phukar: I look up and say “Nice one, Arlen” to his face.

DM: FUCK. Okay, it’s his turn now. He looks down at you-

Sylvia (OOC): He looks past his dick at Phukar.

DM: I mean… It’s not hard, so he’s not- (Everyone collectively dies) Okay! He kicks off what’s left of his pants and then um… Fucker, he goes to hit you… (Rolls low) And. So, basically, you’re down there, and you just lift up your new cloak and block the attack like… duh duh duh (waving arms above head like holding a cloak).

Phukar (OOC): And now the cloak is just- all you see if a bent form, a cloak that hides everything, and Kalarel!

Sylvia (OOC): I think EVERYONE’S wondering what Phukar’s doing under there!

Phukar (OOC): Can Phukar poke it?

DM: …. SURE. I’LL ALLOW IT. You hear Nyx shout “Get some, Dad!”

Elf: With great accuracy and precision, I take my hand and place my palm directly on my forehead, with an audible sound, clear to everybody in the room.

DM: He’s going to use an action surge because his dick was just touched, like, what the fuck!”

Elf: Wait! If he attacks Phukar, then I use my Immediate Interrupt! (Rolls) That’s a Nat 20! I look angrily at him. “Wait! You don’t hit your sex partner without consent!”

[This causes everyone to die laughing for a solid minute. This is a moment to go down in history. And it’s not over yet.]

Phukar (OOC): (As the DM accidently knocks Kalarel’s figurine over) I SUCKED HIM INTO SUBMISSION.

DM: STOP IT! You’re breaking your DM!

[Cue another pause for a full minute of laughter and then a few rounds of initiative. Phukar is still kneeling in front of Kalarel]

DM: Fucker, it’s your turn.

Phukar: So. I kind of look back up at him, flicking back my cloak, and say “You know, I think I would like you in a better position” - I’m gonna use Positioning Strike.

DM: NO!

Phukar: I’m going to use Positioning Strike - but I’m gonna hit his… Y’know… with it. I’m going to stab at it while pushing him back.

DM: OH MY GOD.

Phukar (OOC): I got… Let’s see… 12, plus 11, so 23 against his will.

DM: That hits.

Phukar: Alright! I hit for 20 and push him over the table so he slams against the wall. And uh… Well, originally he was gonna go up there and suck it, but now it’s bloody and uh… He’s not really into that.

And that is how to break your DM during the final boss encounter.