#yes Isak knows Even can touch him again

[cuteandtwisted]

hey wiss!! what are bfyt evak doing right now?

(Hii. here’s what bfyt Isak (and Even) is up to right after ch12 💛)

Isak waits for eleven minutes in the cold water before resigning to the fact that Even won’t be joining him in the lake.

It’s dark now. Isak’s teeth are chattering, his entire body trembling from the now biting cold he’s not used to feeling. He kissed Even thirteen minutes ago in the living room of the wooden cabin they’re staying at. But it’s beginning to feel like thirteen years as his whole body aches for more.

Even won’t leave the cabin.

Isak still wonders why Elias invited him, still wonders whether it was out of pity or if it was a genuine act of kindness in and of itself. Isak finds that reading people isn’t so easy anymore, for everyone keeps surprising him with kindheartedness he’s not equipped to accept, let alone analyze and rationalize. Because the closer he gets, the less he understands, the less he sees.

The flames in him have always kept him at an arm’s length from the world, but have also provided him with acute clarity unbeknownst to most. For when one is too close, one sees one thing, focuses on one thing—a perfect nose, swimming pool-blue eyes, plump lips. But when one takes a step back, when one is at the right distance, one sees everything. One sees the sun.

Isak is getting close, too close. He can no longer see.

He has ‘friends’ now. Eskild who takes care of him in ways he never knew were possible. Linn who doesn’t say much but silently walks with him around the city every day just in case someone tries to touch him—an arrangement they never spoke about but that’s been tacitly agreed upon. Julie who almost hugged him when she saw him the other day, her eyes spilling affection and joy—genuine joy caused by simply seeing him. Elias and Adam who no longer treat him like an extraterrestrial creature, and more like a younger sibling or a distant cousin from the countryside they decided to corrupt and enable. Mutta who stayed and played with him in the freezing water until he caught a glimpse of Even’s silhouette walking back to the cabin.

And Even.

Well.

If people’s kindness is making Isak’s systems glitch and recalibrate to adapt, Even’s mere existence is breaking him down in places he’s never felt broken before.

And it’s not the bad kind of broken. It’s the wild kind, the untamable kind. Sweet madness. Every time they part after it takes over, Isak wonders if the mayhem has been living in him all along or if Even has befallen it upon him.

Even.

Isak kissed Even fifteen minutes ago, at least according to the plastic watch around his wrist. And Even isn’t coming.

The adrenaline and endorphins and dopamine and warmth from all the kissing begin to subdue, and Isak makes a mental note of the threshold. Fifteen minutes. That’s how long it takes for the madness to leave him, for the chemicals dissipate and stop clouding his judgement. Fifteen minutes in cold water is what it takes for Isak to shake him off, his scent, the ghost of his touch, the promise of his kiss.

Isak goes underwater and closes his eyes. He wishes for this to stop, for this feeling to go away. But it won’t go away. Kissing Sara didn’t feel like this. It was nowhere near close. It didn’t take him fifteen minutes to function after she wrapped her arms around his neck, her breasts against his chest feeling foreign and out of place.

He blamed it on the water, on the fact that his senses were focused on and overwhelmed by the water around him. But it can’t be true given his current state. Perhaps, Sara simply wasn’t the right person to try this with, especially under the pressure sustained by the boys who wouldn’t let it go. 

He previously shared a strange bond with Even after all. Yes, that’s probably it. His body is accustomed to him by now and it’s gotten used to the chemicals that get released in him whenever they’re close. It’s anticipation, habit, history.

Isak stays underwater until he can no longer breathe. He comes back up for a second or two or three, eyeing the cabin in search of a tall lanky silhouette perhaps making its way to him, maybe, then dives back in.

It’s minute seventeen, and embarrassment is beginning to wash over him until he feels himself heat up in the cold water. Even probably returned to his room, probably went back to whatever he’s been doing all day. Even who saw him kiss that girl but didn’t look very affected, if not at all.

Even who breaks the very parts in his brain that power him and all his actions. Even who spreads madness through him by simply smiling, or listening to his favorite song, or touching his face in a bathtub, or breathing. Isak has always blamed it on the bond, but it’s become even more intense lately without it. Isak cannot control his actions, a foreign and animalistic urge overwhelming him and taking over, incapacitating him and stripping him of his ability to think, reason, and say no to himself. No. The word ‘no’ and the concept of ‘no’ cease to exist when they get lost in the moment.

Isak dives into the water again as he recalls the things he did in that bathtub. “Come here.”  Even said ‘come here’ and Isak’s brain melted, crawling on his hands and feet for him, completely open and intoxicated on natural chemicals alone, completely ‘here’ for him. Isak cannot breathe thinking back to this moment. He thought he’d get over it after the first few nights, but every time the memory comes back to haunt him, he’s set into flames.

“I’m here.” He doesn’t know who that boy was in that bathtub that day and later in the apartment. Isak doesn’t know.

He managed to knock some sense into himself to come up with a solution when Elias caught them heaving down each other’s throats, but that sense left him the moment Even took himself in his hands behind him.

They should have waited fifteen minutes. Perhaps if they had, Isak wouldn’t have wrapped one of his earphones around his ear, pretending to listen to loud music when he was in fact listening to him. Listening to Even at the peak of his shame, touching himself to get rid of the physical substantiation of his sexual desire at the moment. And Isak didn’t blame him. He didn’t because anyone would become aroused if another warm body rubbed against them. It wasn’t exactly for Isak, but it was because of him. That much Isak can admit.

If they had waited fifteen minutes, if they had waited for all the chemicals to leave his system, perhaps Isak wouldn’t have eavesdropped on Even to listen to the sounds he made while he neared his orgasm. Those sounds. God, those sounds. Isak wakes up hot and bothered in the morning from the memory and shame alone. He cannot bear the guilt of having listened, but he couldn’t help it. In that moment, he was unstoppable. Ethics and morals did not matter. At that moment, he was an animal.

It was because they hadn’t waited.

If they had, perhaps Isak wouldn’t have ended up in such a messy state that late afternoon. Perhaps he would have left five minutes after Even exited the apartment with the boys as promised. Perhaps he wouldn’t have sat on Even’s bed then rolled in his sheets, smelled his pillows, and spilled all over his clothes while fisting and biting into one of Even’s shirts by rubbing himself over his jeans. Perhaps.

The memory burns him with shame.

They should have waited fifteen minutes. The homosexual thoughts only last for fifteen minutes. Or while Led Zeppelin is playing.

fuck.

Isak wonders if Even heard him when he called him beautiful, a blurt, a glitch in his system. Even was bopping his head to ‘Thank You’ with both headphones and Isak stared at him, dumbfounded and shaken by his stupid beauty.

“You’re beautiful,” Isak remembers blurting out so distinctly. But Even dismissed him by shouting “I can’t hear you!” over the music, making him laugh.

And Isak should have waited fifteen minutes. He should have. Because then perhaps he wouldn’t have kissed him. Maybe.

Maybe.

.

Isak walks back to the cabin twenty minutes later and he finds Even there leaning against the door with a blue towel.

“For me?” Isak asks, surprised to see him alone, and not around the fire with the boys in the backyard.

“For you.”

“Thank you.”

Isak accepts it, wraps it around himself and begins tapping it against his skin to dry it as soon as possible. The urge won’t be as strong if he’s dry.

“Relax,” Even comments. He noticed. There’s some sort of hurt in his voice.

“I’m relaxed.”

“You sound vexed,” says Even.

“You sound vexed.”

Isak dries himself and Even lights a cigarette beside him. He looks strangely sad. Isak knows his moods fluctuate sometimes, but he hopes he didn’t contribute to it.

“What are you listening to?” Isak asks.

“Still listening to that Led Zeppelin song.”

“Thank You?”

Even nods. “I like it. I like it a lot.”

Isak should use this opportunity to explain himself, maybe. To apologize for kissing him in the first place, for using him for his silly experiments, especially seeing the toll it’s taking on him. Even who does not like no longer being an exception. Fifteen minutes. It takes me fifteen minutes to get over my want for you. You ARE an exception. Isak wants to tell him. But he doesn’t.

Even speaks first.

“We’re no longer even,” he says.

“Hm?”

“We’re no longer even,” Even repeats, as if he expects Isak to catch up.

Oh.

Isak preached in the tub that they had to be even, that he was kissing and touching Even to be even. But then he kissed him again. They’re no longer even.

“I guess we’re not,” Isak replies, and he feels his face heat up at the retribution, the consequences.

This means that they have to kiss again to restore the balance.

“Are we ever going to be?” Even asks in the deepest voice, a cigarette pressed between his lips, the smoke feeling as though it’s rising from Isak himself as he feels his heartbeats quicken, trip over themselves, over each other.

Isak wonders if Even knows just how special he is. No one’s voice has this much effect on him.

“Maybe we don’t have to be,” he replies coolly.

“So we’ll keep going?” Even asks, and he finally cracks a smile. Finally. It’s barely there, but it’s there. His voice changes when he smiles. His smile always spills over his voice.

“If it’s chill,” Isak shrugs.

“For how long?”

“I don’t know.”

Adam finds them chatting at the door, and they join them around the fire in the backyard.

Later in the night, the fire dies. But not the one in Isak’s chest. Maybe, it’s more than fifteen minutes. Maybe.

He’s struggling to sleep, alone in his bed by the kitchen while most are sharing rooms. Struggling the same way he does every night.

And tonight he wishes for him. Somehow he wishes for him. Shame and embarrassment, be damned.  

Even messages him in the middle of the night from the other room. Three simple words. One simple question.

‘For how long?’

And Isak types back a ‘?’ when he knows exactly what Even is asking about.

‘Isak and Even. Even and Isak. Parity. Evenness. For how long?’

Parity. Isak knows that Even had to google the word. Isak knows that he makes Even do things he wouldn’t normally do, like offer his body for experiments, and jerk off in his own bathroom facing the wall, and take baths with boys who treat him like he’s nothing. Isak knows that Even thinks he feels something genuine for him. He knows that, but he also knows that he’s wrong. That it’s the endorphins and dopamine and all “the good chemicals”. It’s the drugs every perfect song as ever been written for. 

Robert Plant wrote ‘Thank You’ for his wife as the perfect love song. It was the first song he ever wrote with Led Zeppelin, the very first. And it’s perfect in every way. But he then went on to have an affair with his wife’s sister and write her songs, too. Not because he’s a bad person, but because one cannot control how one feels, how one reacts to chemicals and neurotransmitters. 

Even might feel like writing Isak songs today, but he won’t tomorrow. And that’s okay. Because it’s not real. None of this is. 

‘For how long, Isak?’ Even messages him again. 

It’s one in the morning. 138 minutes since he kissed Even. And the madness is still there in his bones.

‘Infinity’ He texts back. 

Maybe it’s more than fifteen minutes.

.

And when Even sneaks into his room sixteen minutes later, Isak pretends to be asleep. He keeps his eyes closed until he feels Even’s weight on the bed, his scent all over his brain, his warmth in his bones. He holds his breath until Even embraces him, holds him from behind, spoons him the way he did the night Isak got too drunk and threw up in the bathroom at Kollektivet, when he woke up in the middle of the night and nearly shouted upon realizing that Even was touching him, was able of touching him.

Even holds him and Isak melts into him, curls his back against his chest. And when Even falls asleep, Isak turns in his arms to inhale him and kiss his neck.

I guess we’ll never be even.

And tomorrow, they’ll both pretend not to know that they can have this. But it’s okay. Because at least in the dark of the night, they can.

Maybe it’s not fifteen minutes. Maybe it’s infinity.

Isak kisses him until sleeps takes over.

.

[evakuality]

Hanna, episode 8

1.  I know I’ve said it before, but these scenes with Hanna and Mia are so super gay.  Part of me still really really wishes that they’d gone there - I like the Jonas/Hanna reunion in s4 well enough (if we ignore the absolute travesty of stealing time from Amira), but I’d have really loved if Mia and Hanna had been the thing instead of adding in a random extra character for no reason.  Imagine the potential....  Also, Alex is still the worst.  Like I know he’s the worst because William was the worst.  But he’s still the worst.  Gross.  His sleazy manner is so offputting.  I hate that Mia ends up falling for this.  I do hope that unlike the original, Mia doesn’t lose all of who she is herself in her season.

2.  Ugh, I forgot how irritating Kiki is.  I really really like her by the later seasons (particularly in s5) but man in these early times she was not so great.  I know Kiki thinks they’re all being punished because Leonie hates Hanna, but as I said before Amira and Mia weren’t even with Hanna at that point, so that’s not likely.  Kiki’s need for control and to be liked is really coming out in some unpleasant ways.  This whole ‘what Hanna does reflects on our crew’ is so... bleh.  With every word Kiki gets more and more toxic, and then starting in on Amira as well, and wondering why she’s the bad guy?  She’s a young kid and she has this desperation to fit in and be cool and liked etc and I get that she’s not a dreadful person at the end of the day.  But she really needs to grow up.  Particularly given that she literally pursued Alex when he’s not exactly a saint about all this sort of stuff.  One thing I do love about this bit with Amira (and she repeats it when she speaks to Matteo in s3, which is a nice bit of character continuity), is how she leans forward and speaks very forcefully to Kiki as she explains her point of view.  The camera is tight up in her face, or rather she moves into it, and it doesn’t let Kiki or the audience move away.  And the call to prayer is a lovely touch right after, reminding of the ‘Muslim gangster world’ and what that’s really like.  Kiki needs to step out of her own sphere and realise that other people have their own thoughts and feelings and things aren’t always what she thinks they are.  Poor Hanna is suffering a lot, and instead of supporting her, Kiki chooses to pile on, focusing on her own ‘pain’ at the situation.  Which, in context, is really really petty.  And then she acts like she’s the hurt party?  Grow up, child.

3.  This little scene with Jonas is so painful.  The acting here is really nice.  Jonas’s sadness and hurt is so palpable, as is Hanna’s anxiety and tension.  It’s all so awkward and painful, and the way it’s shot with Jonas always at a distance and never really looking at Hanna just makes that all the more intense.  And I mean, I know Jonas is hurting and I know it’s hard for him, but this whole bit about how Hanna has no personality of her own is so mean.  In some ways he’s right (and correct me if I’m wrong, but in the original it was Eva herself who says this bit to her Jonas - I don’t recall every detail of Eva’s season as well as I’d like so this may be wrong, but what I remember is something similar to this line as part of why she choose to end it at the end, and if so I don’t really know that I like this change; it’s better from the character herself as a realisation).  But even if he’s right, it’s a bit unfair.  He told her to go and be someone outside of him, and now he’s like ‘I don’t know you at all’ and it’s really frustrating because I still don’t feel like ‘make out’ is an accurate description of what happened, and Sam is really the one who was pushing and pushing, and yet all the blame is being set on Hanna.  He says it’s not because of that, but of course it is.

4.  I always cringe at these scenes where the Eva character gets ‘slut shamed’ and basically panics.  It’s so hard to watch them go through it, and in so many ways this is the hardest episode for them.  Hanna is at a nadir.  Yes, Mia, Sam and Amira defended her, but with the tension with Kiki that support is falling apart, and then Jonas told her to call him when she gets a personality (harsh!!), and now she has someone in the school sending her messages in period blood.  It’s all pretty shitty.  And Kiki almost word for word repeating Jonas’s accusation about knowing ‘what kind of girl’ she is.  It’s totally understandable that she wants to get away from all of this stuff.

5.  Then this shot of her at the bottom of the stairs.  Distanced and lonely, and it’s even worse than it was at the start of the show.  Then, at least she was outside and had space around her, and the colours were much happier.  Here she’s closed, in, boxed out by stairs and the walls etc and it’s this dark, gloomy colour set.  There’s a bar of light, but she’s not even in it, she’s to the side of it, like she can’t even let herself have that.  Then we cut to literally seeing her through the bars of the stairs, like she’s imprisoned, which is effectively what everyone in the school is doing to her.  I do like the change that Matteo is here in person for this ‘you shouldn’t change schools’ talk.  There’s something about the interaction that changes when they have to do it face to face.  And yes Hanna, my love.  You start getting angry that people keep trying to tell you who you are.  Matteo’s lines here really do feel more like an overt attempt at reverse psychology than Isak’s did.  Again, I assume this is because we still didn’t know about Isak at all.  Whereas Matteo still feels more cynical and calculated.  His attitudes and the way he’s approached Hanna have felt different.  It’s really interesting to consider where his head is at in this season given just how low and disconnected we see him at the start of his own.  I guess when he’s called out for it over the next little bit it does change things a bit.  Plus of course the way his own life is about to be hit.

6.  The Hanna and Leonie talk is really interesting.  Up til now, Leonie has seemed much more dominant and Hanna much more timid.  And that’s been partly the way it’s filmed - they’re sitting or Leonie is placed above Hanna.  But here, Hanna looms over Leonie, quite literally, and it’s good to see her start to stand up for herself.  Leonie’s mannerisms are the same but they aren’t having the same effect.  And that’s partly because Hanna is at her lowest ebb.  While she seemed lost and lonely at the start of the season, that’s nothing on where she is now - now, she really has nothing left to lose so she can have this conversation and look!  Direct communication actually worked!  She got the results she wanted.  Also interesting is the choice to put Leonie in white and shoot against this wall - she looks diminished and washed out even after they were put back on the same level when they sit.  Until now it’s been hard to sympathise with her.  Yes, we know she’s been hurt, but she’s been so awful with it.  But it’s so clear here just how much of a toll all this has taken on her too.  And it’s so painful to watch Hanna have to admit to the things she did that have ruined so many of her relationships.  And the business with wishing we can change things but not being able to - it’s so human (and also this scene is so incredibly well acted!) and it sucks to have to admit that we can’t do anything about what we’ve done in the past.

7.  Somehow this bit with Jule doesn’t hit the way it does in Eva’s season.  I think it’s a combination of the way they’ve chosen to portray Jule - she seems a lot more standoffish - and the fact that Matteo has been a bit sketchy the whole time, with some clear hints that he’s not all he seems to be.  Also, possibly, because we do have Skam as a reference and so we did already know where this was going.  Either way, this last part of the scene falls flat after the very emotional bits with Leonie.  

Overall, I find this episode a lot more fluid than the previous one.  But this last day’s clips must have been a whole lot when watching live.  Poor Hanna goes through the ringer on this one day.  The way this one is lit is really interesting as well.  It’s either dark shadows or it’s really bright light, almost harsh with sun etc almost washing things out.  It’s an episode of extremes, which I guess is the point.  Hanna is going through some extreme emotions here, and the surroundings do tend to reflect that.

[tarjeismoeworknews]

This performance will leave you with a huge lump in your throat

Tarjei Sandvik Moe excels in the role of a young man who plans a school shooting in Lars Norén’s play “20 November".

5

THEATRE

“20 November" by Lars Norén Director: Ilene Sørbøe With: Tarjei Sandvik Moe Teaterkjeller’n, Centralteatret

Even if Oslo again has become a more open city and summer has made its full entry into the capital this weekend, there are places that the summer light will not reach. Like Teaterkjeller’n at Centralteatret, for example. In there it’s pitch black these days when Lars Norén's “20 November” finally gets to meet a small audience. And thanks to Norén's terrific text, Ilene Sørbø's steady direction, and last but certainly not least Tarjei Sandvik Moe's fabulous role interpretation, this darkness is one of the most unpleasant you can experience on a summer day in Oslo in 2021.

And I don’t know, maybe some performances benefit from being stored for a while - just like good wine. For “20 November” should have premiered in the spring of 2020, which by now is beginning to be quite a long time ago, but its effect on the audience has by no means faded over the past time.

“20 November” is a play written by Swedish Lars Norén, who died of covid-19 in January this year, and the German actress Anne Tismer, in the wake of a school massacre in Germany committed by 18-year-old Sebastian Bosse. The play premiered in 2007 and is thus fourteen years old. But the topic is unfortunately still very relevant. Bosse left behind diary notes and poems that have become part of the stage text, and this documentary material makes us get uncomfortably close to the young boy who wanted revenge on all his childhood bullies, all the materialistic, meaningless people around him, and the whole system that he experienced a great and ever-growing hatred for. In the play, we meet him an hour and ten minutes before he is to carry out the massacre against his former school.

But really: Tarjei Sandvik Moe must be one of our most talented young actors. Since he took Norway by storm in the role of Isak in the TV series Skam, he has shown his large register through other roles in TV, film and theater. The role of Sebastian is perhaps one of his best to date. For not only does he fill the cold young man with moments of recognizable warmth, but he also gives the character a body language that expresses a complex of emotions: there is a tense nervousness in him combined with a feeling of power, while we at the same time sense the sadness and powerlessness in his face even though his face is quite devoid of emotional expression. And then he laughs occasionally. At himself, at us in the audience, who he constantly talks to and about and who are part of the society he wants to affect, and at quite ordinary things that young people like to laugh at.

The laughter is both liberating and contagious, but it does not prevent me from sitting through the whole performance with a lump that alternates between being in my throat and in my stomach.

In Oscar Udbye's spartan scenography, Sebastian walks like on a small, black catwalk; he wants to be seen. And he wants to see. On two large screens, we twenty in the audience can see ourselves and the area we are sitting in, as on surveillance cameras. It is Sebastian who is watching us. This emphasizes the confrontational style of this play and makes us part of the system Sebastian hates.

But even though this is a strong and brutal performance that touches us who watches, I wonder a bit about the actual effect of the performance. For as Sebastian himself says; people are going to commit similar crimes after him as well. And considering that both the real and the fictional Sebastian basically said this 15 years ago or more, we know today that he is unfortunately right. Because even though Sebastian in the form of Sandvik Moe scares the shit out of us, and makes us realize that what bad energy we’ve sent out into the world may quickly come back to hit us, we know that people still find a strange pleasure in trolling both online and in real life, and that terrorist acts and massacres are planned and carried out. 

This has also been shown in connection with another Norén piece about breaks in society, where the result was different than what Noren had planned. I’m thinking of the play “7:3” from 1999, where two of the actors were inmates who committed serious crimes, even murders, during the leave they were given to make theater with Norén. Norén's idea had always been that the play should contribute to something good for the prisoners and lead them back into society in a positive way. But reality trumped the artist and the theater. So what about all the Sebastians out there - will “20 November” help us to see them before it's too late? I'm not sure, but if the answer is even close to a yes, Teaterkjeller’n should open its doors to as many people as possible as soon as possible. And then the audience will get a fantastic acting performance to boot.

Big thanks to @evakcardamom for givinig me a head up about this great review

[ghostcat3000]

SKAM season 3 talkback series: episode 7, “Er du homo?”

The SKAM season 3 rewatch talkback series was done in conjunction with a first-time watch for a small group of newbies. I talked to a cross-section of fans about each episode so our newbies could get a varied taste of what the SKAM fandom was about.

Talk back with the excellent @etal-late​ (aka etal on AO3)

SKAM 3.7: Er du homo? conducted on 24, November 2019

@ghostcat3000​: Hello, hello, welcome everyone to our very small, very casual chat about SKAM season 3 episode 7, Er du homo? I'd like to welcome the wonderful @etal-late​, who is an excellent writer and amuses me on the regular. I just made myself a cup of tea and am settling into my couch. I planned this very poorly because I forgot that I have to run about five thousand errands for Thanksgiving today. The supermarket is going to be...awful beyond measure. There are pies to be picked up. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

etal: Right, tea is here, I am here. But do you have pies to see to?

Ghostcat: I do, but ignore me.

etal: Let's go hard and then you go and get your pies when you need to except I'm the worst at typing fast.

Ghostcat: Let's start!

etal: Before we begin, may I check something?

Ghostcat: Yes?

etal: Does the fact that I'm here, answering your questions mean...

Ghostcat: ...

etal: That I'm your...

Ghostcat: ...

etal: Episode 7 Guru?

Ghostcat: Where is my “Isak sez fuck it” gif when I need it?

etal: It's ok, we'll take it as read. Anyway, did you have a question?

Ghostcat: Thank you so much for joining us. I would like to kick things off with a question from last week's talk back guest, @delongpaw​: “Who is a better Guru?  Eskild or Jonas?  And why.”

etal: Good question, Delongpaw. Eskild does well in the kitchen convo. He is kind.

Ghostcat: Yes.

etal: But also honest.

Ghostcat: Always kind. From experience, one gathers.

etal: Yes, and I like how he had forgiven Isak for his earlier gaucheness and had moved on.

Ghostcat: SKAM social media game is so strong. Offscreen, we see that Isak reaches out to Eskild to apologize again and to make sure Eskild isn't avoiding being home because of him.

etal: Yep, and they have their little pet name thing.

Ghostcat: It’s one of those nice character touches―Isak is capable of recognizing when he's wrong and makes amends. Eskild is receptive and understands where Isak's coming from.

etal: He and Jonas are different gurus...they can answer different parts of Isak's question.

Ghostcat: They are mom and dad.

etal: Ha ha, yes.

Ghostcat: Jonas is mom. Eskild is dad.

etal: "You're doing fine, son, but that's the way the world is."

Ghostcat: RIGHT. Eskild's advice is practical and comes from his own experience. Whereas Jonas knows Isak and is able to look him in the eye and say I THINK YOU'RE LETTING HIM PLAY YOU because he knows his friend isn't usually so passive.

etal: And deserves better.

Ghostcat: Yes, that too.

etal: I'm interested in how the boys' advice comes from watching how girls deal with their b.s.―like, this is how they boss us. We have observed and learned their ways.

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha, meanwhile the girls seriously just want to know what the fuck is going on. So your answer to delongpaw’s question is BOTH, both are important, two sides of a whole.

etal: Yes, that's my answer. Your answer is my answer.

Ghostcat: A beautiful ending to an otherwise hellish week.

etal: I do want to scream about Jonas in this episode though because even after his bench/kebab heroics, he hits some new highs in this one.

Ghostcat: Those are some heroics. Absolutely. Well, now that Isak's let him in, he can act in the function he was meant to―our resident sage.

etal: Actually, back to Eskild for a sec, the first clip is him giving bad advice to Noora to go on tinder.

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha, you don't think Noora should be on tinder? Can you imagine that profile?

etal: “Enjoys laundry and despairing because she 'always has to do the right thing." But back to Jonas. The pacing in both the boy scenes is really good, Jonas is doing his watchful thing, Isak is clenched in varying states of tension, and the boys are crashing about.

Ghostcat: Continuing the theme of communication...Isak had texted Jonas to tell him the news was spreading about his "thing" with Even and the topic of telling the boys comes up.

etal: So you're holding your breath waiting for the moment of revelation.

Ghostcat: When we go into this scene, with Magnus beatboxing and generally being...himself, those glances Jonas throws Isak's way are reassuring ones―you can do this. I've got your back. It's gonna be fine.

etal: Trust them (even though it's Magnus…)

Ghostcat: Because after all there's a pre-party at the end.

etal: ...who is hilarious in this one. Straight up.

Ghostcat: Magnus is hilarious. he's so stupid but so recognizable as that friend. the one that's super embarrassing and is always just blurting out the first thing in his head

etal: But genuinely curious. Like, pan or bi, please someone explain.

Ghostcat: While, at times, insensitive. It's never malicious. He genuinely doesn't know things and wants to.

etal: I like the way certain words really trip him up.

Ghostcat: He really gets caught up in them. Pan? Dominatrix? He just repeats them to himself. Like little boys who repeat the word ‘poop’ to themselves, over and over again.

etal: Incidentally, I genuinely had to look up 'excretion' to check if it was A or D.

Ghostcat: I had to ask! And I was told, rightly, that it's Isak's season―he would have the right answer in his subject.

etal: Of course! Do we think it is significant? Is 'separation of waste' a metaphor for getting your shit together? 

Ghostcat: Lol. I do think it's significant. As significant as Isak's subject. Which we'll get into at the end of this season.

etal: :thumbsup_tone2:

Ghostcat: This season is meticulously put together but it doesn't feel labored.

etal: Gosh, that's a big thumb.

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha.

etal: Yes, not much is accidental.

Ghostcat: I enjoyed this peek at the deepening relationship between Isak and Sana. You know they're closer even though their interactions are about 100% bickering.

etal: Yes, it's lovely―their compromise: you're wrong, but you go ahead and own your wrong answer.

Ghostcat: Right before he gets that text from Vilde, Isak gives Sana a lovely smile. He's playing around with her.

etal: I'll initial my RIGHT ONE. "Iiiisak"

Ghostcat: “What's your name again?”

etal: He's already feeling lighter.

Ghostcat: And then there's Vilde's text which in typical Vilde fashion is wildly tone deaf. I love gay guys! Like she's going to get a new gay bff out of Isak Valtersen.

etal: :rainbow_flag: :heart:

Ghostcat: (Though my headcanon is that, like everyone else, Isak will eventually become close friends with Vilde.)

etal: Not spoilering, but I've forgotten whether Sana has heard the rumour yet?

Ghostcat: She sees the text and Isak sees that she sees but then class is over and she takes off. The news is spreading, has spread and all thanks it seems to Sonja telling Emma and Emma spreading it to everyone else. Luckily, Isak has told Jonas and then he tells his boys.

etal: Yes, so he has back-up now he's in this awful place of having everyone know, but Even awol...until-

Ghostcat: I'm proud of him though.

etal: Yes.

Ghostcat: There's a sense of Isak having already gone through the worst thing and that wasn't being outed or having everyone know―it was losing Even.

etal: Yep.

Ghostcat: That's a massive realization. That everything else pales in comparison and is manageable. But hope isn't entirely lost despite what Eskild says...because there's always those notes that Even is still leaving Isak and this week's note is an interesting one.

etal: He approaches that locker with such trepidation. What does it have in store for him now.

Ghostcat: His nemesis. Isak x Hell Locker. Slow burn, Enemies to Lovers.

etal: I didn't understand the note at first...

Ghostcat: It's a drawing of Isak's text to Even without an answer and one of the parallel universe where Even does answer and tells him he misses him. Of course, Even is telling him and so, for the first time, it's both worlds at once.

etal: Tok.

Ghostcat: And if that isn't hope. What is?

etal: (Tok is the sound of a spoon tapping an eggshell and making the first tiny crack, the eggshell is my heart) His expression when he looks at that note.

Ghostcat: It's with this interesting development that we go into the pre-party and Isak's sitting there in an echo of the previous pre-party, and wearing the same outfit, I think? Looking like he's in two worlds himself. The one where he's trying to figure out what is up with Even and the one where he really is so fucking done with the pre-party ritual.

etal: Poor fellow.

Ghostcat: But then, the save! Your boy.

etal: JONAS. JONAS.

Ghostcat: Jonas. He looks over at him...

etal: Jonas knows.

Ghostcat: ...and sees it all and asks and him asking brings in the rest of the squad with their questions.

etal: All their many questions.

Ghostcat: Including Magnus's cringe-y gay sex question.

etal: Isak in his new confidence can even deal with Magnus' doofustry.

Ghostcat: To be fair, he already did in the earlier conversation. I don't think anything could take away Isak's need to roast Magnus mercilessly.

etal: Haha, yes.

Ghostcat: But again, Magnus seriously doesn't know shit. I do love that he applies his new knowledge. Is he also...pan?

etal: A searcher after knowledge.

Ghostcat: He wants to know. This scene is so brilliantly done. and it's comedy! Shakespearean comedy! The character who doesn't know what to do and his crew of fools providing solutions (which wind up being pretty good).

etal: Speaking of which...

Ghostcat: Yes?

etal: Although, hang on- First, I enjoy Isak's sudden decisiveness.

Ghostcat: The text?

etal: Blasts that text out. He types faster than me.

Ghostcat: He types it and hits send, no editing.

etal: Phone down.

Ghostcat: I like how he makes fun of Jonas's first draft, like that's a thing I'd say? and Jonas doubles down―something like that but more YOU.

etal: And they're right!

Ghostcat: The text he sends is exactly what Jonas crafts-as-Isak. The response is near-immediate like Even's been staring at his phone.

etal: Yep.

Ghostcat: Jonas really warms to this counselor role.

etal: *Cracks his knuckles* Let's go. Got this.

Ghostcat: Utters the immortal lines: STRAIGHT UP. NO FEELINGS.

etal: Straiddup.

Ghostcat: N O   S M I L E Y.  He looks so annoyed that Isak doesn't get it. No fucking smiley, Isak.

etal: Imagine getting that text.

Ghostcat: Omg.

etal: Stone-cold.

Ghostcat: I know.

etal: Fuck, no smiley...grabs trainers.

Ghostcat: Chiller hjemme. I don't think Even lives near the Kollektiv. That bitch RAN.

etal: I have timed it.

Ghostcat: Or hopped on that fucked up bike of his.

etal: Or counted it out, you know. Fastest boy in Norway.

Ghostcat: I have to admit. They got me. Andem fully played me when the doorbell rang, I didn't actually think it was Even despite it being OBVIOUSLY him.

etal: Lol.

Ghostcat: I don't know why. I think it might have been the quality of the scene after that last text and how there was no answer. They all start talking about something else and kind of settle into the same energy as before.

etal: Brilliantly done, you're feeling so hard for Isak.

Ghostcat: And I fully expected things to end there, with Isak's sad face looking at his phone.

etal: Meanwhile, Even is fully sprinting. Knocking over old ladies.

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha.

etal: Sparks coming off his tyres.

Ghostcat: Sliding across the hoods of cars. Bike going all E.T.

etal: Hair flowing in the wind.

Ghostcat: Crossing past a full moon though legit his hair looks great when he shows up but before that...

etal: Oh yes, it does.

Ghostcat: ...Isak has to have that moment of-

etal: Yes? Pain.

Ghostcat: Are you expecting someone? No, you guys are the only friends I have.

etal: Lol, great line.

Ghostcat: It's probably Eskild. He's always leaving his keys (which is brilliant because it's completely plausible).

etal: Eskiiild, says Magnus, helpfully.

Ghostcat: But there's Even. and guys, it's Even and Magnus goes WE'RE GONNA MEET EVEN while Jonas, one step ahead of everyone else, starts grabbing the beers.

etal: Now here I have A Point To Make.

Ghostcat: HIT IT.

etal: Where is Even? Down on the pavement.

Ghostcat: He is buzzing from downstairs. At the front entrance, on the street.

etal: Correct. Where is Isak?

Ghostcat: And Isak is at the balcony.

etal: BALCONY.

Ghostcat: You got it. Even is a lazy hoe. He should have climbed up like a proper Romeo.

etal: This is a Romeo and Juliet moment and that is TRUE. He does climb up.

Ghostcat: It is absolutely a Romeo and Juliet moment.

etal: The stairs. Less romantic, but still.

Ghostcat: It's handy for Isak that his apartment has a separate servant's stairwell/exit. SERVANTS!

etal: Lol, out you go, boys.

Ghostcat: Again, Shakespeare. With Magnus as the classic fool, down to the bursts of song.

etal: Yes, the Montague boys in full swing. I love that moment, it was one of the scenes that made me really love this series. Delightful.

Ghostcat: Moment to acknowledge Isak fully sliding into fury in this scene, his GTFO face is the best―NO, YOU CANNOT MEET EVEN, WHAT THE FUCK. *Angry squirrel face* and Jonas slipping beers into every pocket.

etal: Get out get out,  throwing shoes after them.

Ghostcat: The song from Luhrmann's Romeo +Juliet to underscore the moment. They exit and the music cuts out.

etal: “Local God.” [by Everclear]

Ghostcat: Isak has a moment to gather himself.

etal: (Wise Jonas, they'll need those beers later.)

Ghostcat: (“He feels like a local god when he's with his boys?” something like that...) Knock at the door, he opens it, and there is Even.

etal: Oh oh OH.

Ghostcat: Oh?

etal: Just oh-ing regarding Even generally. The ice-cream swirl of hair at its best. 

Ghostcat: Particularly for someone who just teleported over there. He looks pretty put together, Even is ready to impress.

etal: Breathing a little fast? Not really.

Ghostcat: Just laser beam eyes and an obnoxiously confident hello.

etal: And an eyebrow raise for the gods. THE GODS.

Ghostcat: With a tiny flicker then of insecurity because Isak isn't saying anything, just blinking at him. In soft, soft regard.

etal: So perfect, all in about 5 seconds.

Ghostcat: Well, mostly and then “Mister-you-have-to-play-hard-to-get” Isak Valtersen absolutely does not.

etal: Lol and lol.

Ghostcat: What did you think when you saw this moment for the first time? Where you concerned about this decision to not talk but just act?

etal: "etal is typing"

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha.

etal: So I think...

Ghostcat: I'll post giant gifs of them staring at each other in the meantime.

etal: I was surprised by how fast it went.

Ghostcat: It's very fast but not surprising...

etal: It's the logic of a romantic scene - run, grab, DO IT. And what Isak has earned-

Ghostcat: [post giant gif of Even staring at Isak in that doorway.]

etal: Oh crumbs, hello there, you…

Ghostcat: So Isak has earned this moment?

etal: -what Isak has earned through the episode. It's led up to this and they are done talking, for now. So I guess, I was...not concerned?

Ghostcat: [posts giant gif of Isak blinking back at Even] True, Isak has earned it. But so have we. We've been hanging with this poor kid through this challenging week so his gain is our gain.

etal: Indeed. Kiss the boy please.

Ghostcat: Kiss the boy.

etal: How fast does his top come off though? Pretty fast.

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha, apparently there's some behind-the-scenes stuff we'll get to about this. The hat, the shirt, everything goes.

 etal: They are so good at the kissing.

Ghostcat: I like the part where they stop and look at each other for a moment. It might actually be the most romantic moment for me because they do it at the same time, together. A wordless check-in.

etal: Sweet, sweet. You know sometimes men doing passionate kissing can look very rough and like it would hurt? This doesn't.

Ghostcat: It doesn't, it's very intimate without being explicit. Which is one of the things I love about this season. It has a very believable heat without going too far and feeling exploitative of its young actors. I say that as a denizen of the land of going too far, i.e. fanfic.

etal: Heh heh.

Ghostcat: That's where I live. I acknowledge this. There is one more joke of course. Just like in the first episode, a person sinks to their knees in front of Isak and this time, he doesn't stop them. He finally gets that blow job he's been lying about for two seasons.

etal: LOL, go for it Isak. It is the East, and you are the sun.

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha. Arise fair sun (for things have certainly arisen).

etal: And are also going down. It's an episode of ups and downs.

Ghostcat: Yes! Much like everything is this season. Highs and lows with humor and tenderness. SO before I leave to go get the pies TWO important things, if I may.

etal:  Yes?

Ghostcat: My questions: One) please share your story of when and how you started watching SKAM. Two) Any final thoughts on this episode that I haven't touched on? SIMPLE QUESTIONS, etal, and then you'll be free of me.

etal: Guru Etal, please.

Ghostcat: (Isak eye roll) Fine. Guru Etal.

etal: OK. For 1. I have something I prepared earlier  (like your pies). This is how I started watching SKAM:

Ghostcat: Ha ha ha How I torment thee.

etal: (Some time later):

My origin story.

Ghostcat: Wheezing

etal: But, seriously, once I had been looking at it on tumblr, watched seasons 1 and 2 and really enjoyed the style, which is so fresh and interesting. I love the way the kids talk, the mix of languages and then series 3 is just beautiful really. I'm a sucker for the R&J references and I love the screen time the boys get to talk and―someone said this on  an earlier chat,  I'm sorry, I forget who it was―to show a side of teenage boys we don't get to see very much in film and tv. I remember talking with you @Ghostcat about how the actors flicker between being really beautiful to a bit scuzzy like real teens...I was properly into it. Watching again, I still get excited by sound of the theme music.

Ghostcat: Beautifully put. Me too. 

etal: Final thoughts on this ep: Jonas' IKEA question; Jonas is great; Even's 2 minute dash of pash; Even's hair; Montague boys forever.

Ghostcat: “Dash of pash” :skull: Thank you so much for chatting with me today. And for bearing with my technical difficulties.

etal: My pleasure. Go buy your pies! Run! Run! Raise your eyebrow at them, they're waiting for you.

itsallnoncents: Thank you both! And thank you Jonas for being the bestest best bro.

Ghostcat: To Jonas! [posts gif of Jonas saying *straight up*]

*

Join us next week to read our talkback with @odeto-psyche​ about my personal fave SKAM episode, 3.8 Mannen i mitt liv aka Even, Even, Even, and the bundle of clothes.

[lilacpotter]

Grape Tart

"Even,”

Isak swatted his boyfriend’s hand away for the third time that noon. The bowl of grapes watched them back brightly, untouched and looking still fresh despite it had been almost a week since they had bought them.

Even watched the younger boy with a pout, and at any other time Isak would think it’s cute, but right now he didn’t have any other choice but to turn away from him.

“No,” he raised a stern finger at Even. “Evi, you have been eating up all the grapes since the past hour. We need them.” He shook his head curtly before turning back to the cookbook in front of him. He was in sweatpants, with nothing on top, and his hair was still slightly wet from the shower before.

In a food processor, combine all tart shell ingredients and mix until well combined.

Okay, he could do that.

Isak glanced at the different bowls laid out with ingredients and picked up the ones needed, before carefully dumping them into the mixer.

Picking up a spatula, he opened the lid and twirled the content around. It was still a bit unmixed. So, he put the lid back on and decided to turn the mixer on again, when his boyfriend snatched his hand instead with a frown.

Isak turned to him, his eyebrows pulled together. “What,”

Even dropped Isak’s hand as he leant in to take a look at the content inside. He gave it a twirl too, and dropped the spatula down lightly, seemingly satisfied with his observations. “It’s enough. You don’t have to mix it again.” He said, waving a hand.

Isak frowned. “What. No. The book mentioned the batter shouldn’t be grainy.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “It did?”

Isak gave him a sure nod.

“I didn’t read anything about that.” Even shrugged. “It doesn’t need to be perfect, Isak. Just lightly mixed.”

Isak looked at him indignantly. “No? Even, it has to be mixed thorough.” But when he saw Even shrugging again, he rolled his eyes and looked down to his cookbook.

Except. The cookbook wasn’t there anymore.

What the hell.

Isak searched around for it, forgetting about the mixture for once while he went on to rummage between the large jars, shelves below, and then looking back at the table.

Where has it gone?

It wasn’t until he heard small giggles coming from his boyfriend beside him that he narrowed his eyes and turned to him. He had his long arms behind his back, obviously hiding the book.

The fucker.

“Give it to me,” Isak said, stepping closer to snatch the book away, but Even put it back much further with a mischievous grin.

“Even,”

“Isak,” Even teased back, enjoying himself as Isak was practically throwing himself at the older boy to get the book.

“Even, give it back! We’re running out of time.” Isak complained, pouting when Even shook his head with a grin. “Your parents will be here soon. You know, we have a lot to do.”

He fixed his boyfriend with a glare, but all he got was a look of playful amusement. “Oh, since when did you become a chef?”

Isak rolled his eyes at him. “Since when did you become a lazy ass, and a grape thief.” He muttered.

“Me? A theif?” Even said, mock-offended, pushing the book further away with his hands that Isak could barely touch the tip of it to even get a hold of it. “Baby, you have to do much better than that.” He teased.

Isak scoffed at him, but then resigned with a sigh when he noticed Even wasn’t going to give up anytime soon. He needed to try this differently.

A different apparoach.

“Even…” he then started, suddenly soft and low, and he watched Even’s breath hitch slightly when he noticed Isak’s fingers curling around his collar slowly.

Isak stepped much closer, if possible, and their bodies were now practically glued to each other. And it seemed to be working because Even suddenly seemed very interested in what was in front of him.

Isak tipped his chin up and looked up at his boyfriend with hooded eyes, sliding his arms up Even’s shoulders and circling them around his long, pale neck.

Even’s playful smirk dropped, getting replaced with a slight part of his lips. Isak licked his lips, and watched Even’s eyes dart to his pink tongue.

“Fuck..” Even whispered when he felt Isak slightly grind his hips against his’. He tipped his head down, meeting Isak’s lips with his own, smashing them both into a lustful kiss.

Isak let him bite on it, suck on the bottom lip, and lick into his mouth, and all the while he kept making soft low sounds that he knew would drive Even crazy.

And they surely were. One of Even’s long hand came up to hold Isak’s waist while he nipped at his neck, trailing wet kisses along its slope. Isak shuddered.

He waited for Even to lose himself, and he did, closing his eyes with a smile as if kissing Isak was the best thing in the world.

This is it.

Isak gave his boyfriend a small, brief peck before pushing him away roughly with a devilish smirk and backing off.

Even’s back hit the shelf, and he looked up at Isak in bewilderment, as if he couldn’t make out what had just happened.

“What th-”

But when his gaze landed on the cookbook in Isak’s hands, his brows arched and a look of realisation dawned on him.

“You sneaky little shit,” Even muttered, breaking into a weary smile. “Fuck, I can’t believe I fell for your tricks!” He exclaimed.

Isak smirked at him as he carefully placed the book back on the table. “Well, you fell for me first, so of course you had to fall for my tricks too now.” He sneered at Even.

His boyfriend shook his head, walking closer to Isak. “You’re such an actor. Will you act in my movies?” he asked softly, tipping Isak’s chin up with his thumb. “You have got the looks too. The jaw line, the face cut, the delicate curls, the gorgeous green eyes…” Even went on, kissing every feature as he named it.

Isak preened under his attention.

“The delicious lips, cute nose, sharp cheekbones...” somewhere between this fruity session, he felt Even’s hand sneak past his waist, so sneakily that Isak hadn’t almost noticed.

Almost.

He quickly pulled Even’s hand away, and lightly pushed him off with a hand to his chest with a scoff.

“You are such a player, gosh.” He said, pushing his curls away from his blushing face.

The book was still safe on the table. Good.

Behind him Even let out a groan. “Why are you so smart?” he said, leaning against the shelf, defeated. ‘and so pretty’ Isak heard him add.

“And why are you so keen on stealing the book?” He shot back instead, flipping through the pages.

“Because I can’t cook or concentrate when you look- like this.” He waved his hand at Isak and his very naked chest as if he should know.

Isak rolled his eyes at his dramatic boyfriend. “Shut up. Come here and help me cook. You have seen me naked countless of times. We are running late here.”

Even let out anothet dramatic sigh before pushing himself off from the shelves.

On the way, he stole two grapes and popped them into his mouth, earning two smacks on his shoulder by Isak.

“Even, if you eat anymore grapes, we won’t have any left to make the tart!” Isak pointed out, a bit frustrated.

“Baby, chill. This is why you shouldn’t cook.” Even grinned, stealing a kiss and turning on the mixer again.

“I told you we had to mix it thoroughly!” Isak pointed out again. He was right.

Even gave him a smile, before turning back to the task.

And if Isak had to keep a cautious eye out on the grapes for the next two hours, then so be it.

.

That evening, Isak and Even were seated at their table along with Even’s parents and brother.

And although they hadn’t managed to whip up many delicacies, the grape tart at least had been finished just in time before the guests arrived.

“Mmmm,” Even’s mum moaned between a spoonful of the tart. “This tastes amazing, boys!” She said with a beam, looking proud.

“I want more!” Even’s brother said, grabbing the bowl and putting some onto his plate. Even helped him out with that.

Meanwhile Isak spoke up, remembering their banter all throughout the tart-making process. “Thanks, Siv. We couldn’t almost make it because Even kept eating all the grapes up.” He glanced at his boyfriend with a smirk. Even arched his eyebrows up.

“Yes, but you didn’t let me have more than twelve!” He protested indignantly. “Which isn’t a lot at all. What could I do, they were just so tasty.” He shrugged.

“Even,” Isak put an affectionate arm around Even’s neck. “If they were that delicious then we can just go buy some tomorrow, baby.”

Even stared at him in surprise. “Yeah?”

Isak shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, why not?”

“Yeah why not,” Even shrugged back, before his mouth quirked up into something mischievous and he leant in to whisper into Isak’s ear. “Although, I can think of some other much delicious grapes that I can suck on for tonight.” He winked. And Isak almost choked on his drink.

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Drunk

For the anon from this ask. I've had this in my drafts for a while. It's not complete.

PLEASE READ THE TAGS OR ANY WARNINGS ON THE FICS FIRST.

***** Both are drunk ***** Drunk Even ***** Drunk Isak ***** Bonus - not actually drunk ***** WIP

***** BOTH ARE DRUNK *****

You're Mine by bluexside (1.6k words) - Isak and Even are drunk at a party. Isak gets jealous when he sees Even flirting with a girl, which leads to a drunk angry, mostly stupid, fight.

"let's not think about what brought us here, yeah?." by bazsucks (3.4k words) - What if Eskild had never found Isak at a gay bar at 2 A.M? What if a handsome stranger with squinty blue eyes did? Not very drunk

not a big deal by Anonymous (4.3k words) - Even stared for a few more seconds, unable to fathom why Julian thought this was a good idea, to hurt Isak’s feelings. And yes, Even was mad at the situation at hand, but he knew he couldn’t do what Isak was asking. Neither of them were in the right mindset to do anything, whether it got anywhere sexual or not. They were both drunk and it would be unfair to both of them. It wasn’t right. He knew that. But Even leaned in and kissed Isak anyway.

Into the Night, With You by cuteandtwisted (11k words) - a drunk Isak runs into a strange boy with perfect hair who insists on fixing his boring summer in one night.

***** DRUNK EVEN *****

i can't kiss you if you drink vodka by hippopotamus (587 words) - even is drunk and clingy and isak kinda sorta loves it

Study Break by sweeterthankarma (1k words) - Jonas-” Isak starts, warning, because Even can send some pretty, well...personal things when he’s drunk and/or high— and of course, he must have done exactly that, because Jonas’s eyebrows immediately shoot up, his expression going from intrigued to amused.

Without you I've got no air to breathe in by bluesterek (4.4k words) - Isak is in love with Even. Even is drunk. Even is flirty when drunk.

***** DRUNK ISAK *****

And He Calls Me Moonlight, too by tiptopevak (263 words) - He’s drunk and stumbly and his lips taste sharp like a lick of blue-raspberry vodka, but he’s soft and safe in Even’s arms.

I'll always be there by evaklark (orphan_account) (532 words) - Isak couldn't help but feel a little lost in this definitely not sober state he was in. From an outsiders point of view, he most likely looked like one of those pervy jerks who jacks off to lesbian porn and then makes fun of gay guys. However, Isak just had a very hot boyfriend who was spending way too much time without him.

S'more Than Enough by i_once_wrote_a_dream (691 words) - “S’mores, s’mores, s’mores!” Isak becomes a petulant child when properly drunk.

Don’t Worry Isak, We’ll Get You A Cute Girl by cami_soul (804 words) - Isak is drunk at a party and the boy squad decides to find him a cute girl to hook up with - only it doesn’t quite turn out as they planned. There is a blindfold, there is kissing, there is sweet gooey fluff.

that boy is mine by orphan_account (1k words) - someone tries to touch Isak while he's drunk at a party and Isak is a bit nervous about Even finding out (mind the trigger warning)

with the fume of sighs by slvtherxn (1.1k words) - Of course he had had invited Even along, but Isak didn’t need to be held back by his tired, sober boyfriend. (Isak comes home drunk and sappy to Even.)

i'll be coming for your love by ihatefindingusernames (1.1k words) - Even didn’t know how Mikael managed to drag him to a karaoke bar on a Friday night when he could have spent it rewatching his favorite movies, but there he was.

Don't You Let Me Go Tonight by isakbeanie (1.1k words) - Basically, Isak gets tipsy at a party and Even gets jealous about some things that go down.

can i borrow a kiss? by spoopydumpling (1.2k words) - The boys pregame at Isak and Even's place, then head off to a party with a large amount of drinking and a whole lot of flirting.

drunk in love by blondwaves (1.2k words) - Isak shows up drunk at Evens at 3am, confessions and kissing

(Drunk) In Love by verlore_poplap (orphan_account) (1.5k words) - Isak falls in love at first sight. Too bad he's drunk off his ass when it happens. (some dubious consent)

Vodka kisses by Bellakitse (1.5k words) - Isak likes to kiss Even when he drinks, which would be fine if they were actually together. Magnus and Mahdi finally clue him in.

Curiosity by podicus (1.5k words) - At a pregame at Isak’s, Vilde is curious how Isak knew he had feelings for Even. Isak, meanwhile, just can’t stop thinking about his boyfriend.

can you blow my whistle, baby. by milominderbinder (1.5k words) - It's a normal Friday night in Isak's life. Just five guys, hanging out drunk at McDonalds in the middle of the night, talking about blowjobs, trying to deep-throat coke bottles. That sort of thing.

I may be hurt but doesn’t mean I don’t love you by Evakfiction (1.5k words) - Isak is drunk and jealous. When they get home, it gets out of hand.

the softest proposal by Bellakitse (1.6k words) - A drunk and high Isak shares something with Even he wasn't ready to share.

Sweet by Lisforlove (1.9k words) - Isak is drunk and needy.

Hot Mess by sweeterthankarma (2k words) - It’s Isak’s first time drinking expensive whiskey. Even thinks it should be his last.

don’t try to fight it by orphan_account (2k words) - This takes place sometime between the Christmas party at the end of season 3 and the beginning of season 4, hence Isak still living in the kollektiv. A warning: Even fucks Isak while he's drunk and they don't use condoms.

cards and drunken propositions by Bellakitse (2.1k words) - Isak doesn't remember the night before but he knows he made a fool of himself in front of this crush.

Through The Night by Lisa94 (2.3k words) - "AU where drunk isak pees on some stranger's car on his way home after partying all night. the thing is, there is someone in the car"

retired from logic, new career in happy by sophly (2.3k words) - Jonas POV. The one where Isak is drunk and sappy and Jonas can’t stop thinking about the inevitability of teenage relationships.

You're Not Tall Enough by wordsarelifealways (2.3k words) - Isak manages to get so wasted that he doesn't recognise Even and proceeds to tell Even all about his hot boyfriend waiting for him at home.

smoke in the air, binge drinking by boxesofflowers, Eeyoreneedsahug (2.3k words) - Isak accidentally gets wasted at a house party and Even is there for his boyfriend.

maybe i'll get drunk by hippopotamus (2.4k words) - theres a really hot third year around, and the only way isak knows to deal with it is alcohol

if you have lost a right track then i'll lead you right back by kittenmichael (2.4k words) - “Even,” he whispers, as if it’s a secret Norway’s nights shouldn’t hear, “my tongue feels really weird.”Even chuckles at his boyfriend’s antics, before realising that he’s genuinely confused. “Kind of like cotton?”

Baby... I AM EVEN THE BOYFRIEND! by Evakkk (2.4k words) - The boy squad get Even to come pick Isak up when he gets to drunk to handle...

pool full of liquor by thekardemomme (3k words) - Isak gets drunk and runs away from his friends, and Even seizes the opportunity to be his knight in shining armor. May as well be Shakespeare.

boy, you make me make bad decisions by hippopotamus (3.2k words) - In which Isak is way too drunk, way too dramatic, and his ex is making out with someone else.

Boys' night + Even by skampanda (3.2k words) - Drunk Isak was the best Isak, according to Magnus. He became super comfortable with himself and talked like non-stop about his beautiful boyfriend. There was just one slight problem- when drunk, Isak is super needy.

Ready to Jingle Your Bells by MacksDramaticShenanigans (3.6k words) - It was truly a testament to how drunk Isak was when rather than vehemently denying the request or furiously shaking his head and pushing everyone away, he set his glass down and determinately rose to his feet. And there was also the fact that Isak— sober or drunk— was never one to turn away from any sort of challenge, and Mikael’s wording certainly posed this as one. (Of course, there was also the fact that Even did sing him a song, and what kind of a boyfriend would he be if he didn’t serenade Even right back?)

Drunk Dialing by isakvaltertrash (johntracythatsall) (3.6k words) - “I miss you, and I– I hate you, how could you just, you just left! I thought everything was okay and you just fucking left, Even, you left– do you have any fucking idea what it’s been like to –“ But Even is raising his voice to get through his ramble, interrupting him with a string of “I know, I know, I know”. But Isak is drunk and he’s angry and he’s not going to be that easy.

So, Maybe I'm A Little Gay by LavenderWater (4.3k words) - Come drink with us they said. It'll be fun they said. And it was, at least until Isak drunkenly blurted out his love for Even in front of everyone. Fuck his life.

Homesick by everything_else (4.4k words) - 5 times they take care of each other after the break up. +1

Sweet Boys Shouldn't Drink Hard Liquor by wordsarelifealways (4.6k words) - Isak's mother is spiralling again and the texts are getting to Isak. Unfortunately, Even only finds out when Jonas calls him to tell him that Isak got really drunk and had a meltdown. Even looks after Isak at arguably his lowest point since he moved out of the Valtersen household.

Bumps, Grazes and Kisses by Flatfootmonster (4.8k words) - “What am I usually like?” he asked tentatively. The last strip had been placed over the cut, but the guys hands lingered on his face, smoothing gently over his work with a thumb. “Usually you just seem to be waiting for something to happen.” And the small smile that Isak caught playing on his lips was different somehow; he knew exactly what that something was. “But today you were even dancing—it was shocking.”

Confessions at dawn by chroniclesofwriting, joaneoffart (6k words) - Jonas helps a very drunk Isak to get to his apartment, there, he confesses his thoughts about what he wants in life, without realizing that it is Even himself to who he tells all these things.

Strong enough to carry him by diamondjacket (7k words) - Mahdi thinks Eskild is hot. Isak just wants to get through this with his sanity intact.

bloom by Skamtrash (8k words) - Friends to Lovers AU where Isak talks too much and likes Even, Even smokes too much and likes silence.

***** BONUS *****

your love is my turning page. by carryonevaks (1.1k words) - Isak is drunk in love. Even loves to tease him about it.

***** WIP *****

Face First by LinksLipsSinkShips - Isak's blackout drunk and has an unorthodox way of meeting Even.

Him & I by Emma_jay - Random Evak scenes written in script style.

[skamamoroma]

Could you give some examples of Robbe soothing Sander?

Awww this is really sweet!

Yes. Loads! I love how their relationship is written in terms of balance and that even continued to well into wtfockdown. I feel like the writers have a really cool grasp on their dynamic and I really like how the idea of soothing and being comforting continues with them as a parallel as it did with Isak and Even but to a MUCH BIGGER extent. They’re so different to them and I think they’re unique in their relationship with touch as a couple and also I think they’re both hugely affectionate and also get a LOT in so many ways from touch (see my insanely long posts about it!).

Robbe’s story not only saw him go from being closeted and closed off and angry to being comfortable with who he is... we also saw a lovely relationship with touch develop and how he grew to understand his own strengths and abilities in terms of relating to other people. We watched him go from not hugging Milan, to having a baseline bro relationship with Moyo and forcing himself into a physical relationship he didn’t want... to instigating cuddles to provide comfort and take it, seeking someone out for emotional support and realising he is capable of touching and being comfortable in a romantic relationship to the point where he is a TOTAL KOALA.

So the fact he learned his own abilities in soothing someone and providing comfort is HUGE. I love it in relation to Sander but also Zoë. It kills me when he first tries to hug her he looks unsure but then by the end of the season when she breaks up with Senne, he walks up to her and actually pulls her to him. He KNOWS he can provide comfort and wants to do it for people he loves. He’s a lovely soul. Sander was instrumental in helping him learn that.

So examples! There are so many but as you asked for Sander related ones, these are the ones that stand out:

The cuddle clip. Robbe stroking Sander’s hair was so second nature and Sander was genuinely falling asleep but that moment Robbe knew Sander was a little upset, he reached out to stroke his hair, rested his head on his chest and then kissed him. That entire little set of things took Sander out of his own head. Robbe didn’t have a clue what he was doing but no wonder Sander adores him. He didn’t know his own capabilities.

The hotel. Whether Robbe knew Sander was a little hyped up compared to normal is another thing but Sander is full of duality and I think Robbe could see by that point that swaggy sort of cool guy Sander is one thing but then there’s the Sander who dresses up and books hotel rooms and who cuddles up to him. Sander spent the entire hotel room time in Robbe’s arms and kept wrapping himself up in Robbe and there was this dynamic switch with Sander being the one who clearly needed the comfort and... well, Robbe was perfect. Again, he didn’t even know what he was doing when he was doing it. It is instinctual for him.

Their OHN. The fact that Robbe took one look at Sander and then a look at what Sander had been using to get through aka ROBBE and decided resolutely to STAY. That gradual taking Sander out of his own mind again... but this time KNOWING what he was doing and consciously using what he’d learned to take Sander from closed off, sobbing and distraut to opening up, allowing himself to be vulnerable and to be cuddled. Every touch an word from Robbe was so intentional. He never let go of Sander’s hand, used eye contact as a method of connection, helped Sander to his feet, held onto him as he explained why he was staying and how their future was going to look. Considering Sander had just tried to end it all with him. I LOVE that shot where Robbe decides to get Sander to stand and there’s a shot of Sander’s arm and Robbe holds tight to it like “right ok, I know what to do next, Ive got him listening”. It’s gorgeous and purposeful and so full of understanding. The fact that Robbe kissing Sander and taking him out of his head is what allows Sander the ability to fall apart a little is so important. Robbe literally and metaphorically catches him and soothes him, strokes his hair and hold him as tightly as he needs and it’s so healing.

The morning after clip. Robbe is lying half asleep stroking Sander’s hand. He has looked after him so well, has kept Britt at bay, kisses him just because he’s leaving his bed... all of it is so gentle and loving. Then to respond so effortlessly to Sander’s insecurities, to be so chill yet resolute in the face of Sander needing that confirmation that his promises from the day before were real. Robbe not only confirms they were, he uses the same “universe” language, gives kisses and I love that little forehead tilt too. It’s precious because Robbe’s affection is so easy when he is at ease. Again, it soothes Sander to no end because he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

Then the board game clip. I love this clip so much for so many reasons and I said this in my huuuuuge post about Sander and touch but this clip, for me, felt like a summary of WHY they’re good for eachother. They give each other space but when they come together, Sander doesn’t mind being cared for and thought about and isn’t upset that he’d clearly asked Milan to keep an eye on him. Sander isn’t being treated like an invalid or not trusted... he’s just being thought of and being allowed to live while Robbe has exams and goes Christmas shopping. Sander legitimately calling Robbe an angel is meaningful and cheesy for all the best reasons but the fact that Robbe then surrounds Sander in every possible way... gravitates towards him, strokes his hair, sits with his whole body around him, kisses him on lips, nose, forehead and hair, wraps his arms around Sander’s neck and then stays there... it’s completely natural for him and Robbe gets a huge amount from it but you can SEE on Sander’s face how much that means. It’s clearly what he has always needed as a human being but has perhaps never had and perhaps never asked for but he doesn’t need to with Robbe. That balance in who they are is really cool to watch.

So that’s it! They are my main moments. Each of the parallels have specifics that I consider to be very THEM and for Robbe and Sander this ebb and flow of balance between them as they’re VERY different especially in what they get out of the relationship is really well done! It’s the same with Marti and Nico and how their basis of friendship and comfort and solid connection means they feel VERY different and their balance comes from the busy, crowded, varied eclectic persona of Nico and the very literal, very matter of fact, very blunt nature of Marti. That metaphor meets literal dynamic is how they work so well. Etc! You know?

I hope this is what you were after ❤️❤️❤️

[folerdetdufoler]

hey kerry!! would you ever write a fic set during the pandemic? or would that be to stressful? what kind of fic would that be?

ah, i think this was prompted by this tweet, and i didn’t want to answer until i had updated that au.

officially? no. or at least not yet. It feels weird like…romanticizing a situation that is killing people across the globe. i don’t watch or read horror/thriller/sci-fi to have any other base knowledge on how a pandemic happens or is contained, even in a fictional setting, so i don’t know if creating a different kind of pandemic would feel less weird and/or accurate.

but i’ve been thinking about it. It’s hard not to, to not exist in a literal nightmare and use comfort characters to mentally survive it. i’ve projected my desires onto them, i’ve hoped for the idea of love to be enough to change people’s behaviors and move them to protect each other. i’m interested in how people have built and destroyed trust, how it’s shaped relationships, and how it’s challenged different worldviews. add a dash of competent government and i go feral. so like, technically…yes. vaguely.

it should go without saying, but it’s (always) a skam AU. it’s always isak and even. i don’t know how it’s being handled in norway, so it would have to be set in america. isak and even would still be norwegian though. and we’re going to add a little unrealistic emergency to make their meeting actually happen.

the borders closed. by the time isak got to the airport, every possible flight was cancelled. he couldn’t even do some kind of convoluted frog-leap through different countries just to get back to his own continent. he was stuck. the ticketing agent behind the desk gave him a sympathetic look and then waved him away, inviting the next soon-to-be-disappointed customer forward. before he left, though, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a disposable mask from the large pack he’d managed to buy before heading to the airport. he slammed it onto the counter. “wear it.”

isak dragged his bag over to the far wall of windows, near the entrance, where the benches were quickly filling up with disgruntled international travelers. he had to sit down and think and research, to figure out what his next step would have to be.

“they’re still not letting people in, eh?” a deep voice two seats to his left asked in english. isak looked over at it, because he wasn’t sure if it was a genuine or sarcastic answer. unfortunately the face he needed to read was devastatingly handsome, and caused his throat to close up before he could answer properly.

“uh….”

“no english?”

“um, no. i mean yes, i speak english.” isak was fluent from his upbringing, but the last year of attending school in america definitely helped. his inability to communicate in this moment was due to the other man’s mouth, not his own. “and no, i can’t get a flight because the borders are closed.”

“i would say it’s a smart move except i’m locked out too.” the man smiled, and his eyes softened, so if he had been sarcastic before, he wasn’t anymore.

“norway?” isak asked, hopeful. he’d clocked the man’s accented english, and they were both sitting across from a scandinavian airline counter, but he couldn’t distinguish between the countries.

“norge,” he confirmed with a little nod.

for some reason isak continued in english. perhaps he felt like he had more authority with it. he bent over to his bag to get another mask out, pulling it by the straps. he offered it to his new norwegian acquaintance. “please put this on.” he got a confused look in return, and no move to accept the protective covering. it pained isak to insist that the man cover up half of his face, but he pressed. “please, for your safety.”

“is that why you’re wearing one?”

“i’m wearing one because norway closed its borders. norway knows how dangerous this virus is. you should wear one too.”

the man reached out a hand but didn’t quite grab the mask. “i can’t tell if you know more about what is actually going on or if you’re…crazy.” the soft eyes had gone serious and calculating. “but if i put it on, will you tell me?”

“what?”

he took the mask. he was clumsy putting it on, but anyone would be if it were their first time. he hooked it around his ears and pulled it up over his nose and mouth, watching isak while he did, as if he were a mirror. isak pinched the bridge of his nose to get the man to copy him, fitting the mask to his face. once he did, the man twisted to face isak straight on. “i’m even.” his voice was muffled, but isak’s ear was already straining to distinguish it from the rest of the airport noise around them. “i want to go home. you do too. can we figure out a plan together?”

“i—um, i don’t know. i have to talk to my school first. and then maybe the consulate.”

“what’s your name?”

“isak.”

the mask did nothing to stop the man—even—from smiling. the mask traveled with his cheeks right up to his squinting eyes. “i’d shake your hand but i feel like that’s not a good idea.”

“you are correct. we shouldn’t be touching.”

“okay, i won’t touch you. but can we talk? my employer said i should fly home, but i think it’s too late. i don’t know what to do.”

isak took a deep breath. he looked around them, at the way the counters were drawing lines of increasingly anxious travelers. the empty seat between them was going to be high value real estate soon, and he could tell someone wasn’t going to allow it to remain a buffer for their safety. “i don’t know either.” he looked back at even. “do you work in manhattan?”

“yes. is that where you go to school?”

isak nodded. it was a small comfort, meeting a neighbor from the other side of the ocean, who also happened to be a neighbor on the other side of the east river. “okay. well. i don’t want to stay here. it’s going to get crazy as more borders close. we should…we should go back.”

“share a cab?”

isak took in the man’s face, still handsome even when it was hidden behind a mask. some of his hair was stuck in the straps at his ears, and isak noticed that the style was slightly disheveled, probably from anxious fingers. but it was the eyes that convinced him. in just a few minutes, in such a short conversation, isak had come to trust them. he trusted the eyes that glanced out the window at the taxi stand. and when Even stood up and threw the long strap of his bag across his chest, isak followed. they stepped out into a gust of cold, early spring air, and headed toward a waiting taxi. whatever their next step would be, they would take it together.

anyway yeah, that’s the start. that’s the beginning of the pandemic, and that’s the beginning of isak and even. isak is a student, going for his masters at NYU in biology, but he’s going to switch to epidemiology almost immediately, for obvious reasons. even…well, i don’t know where he works, or why, but he’s not in school. his office is going to close and he’s going to have to work remote. isak’s basic understanding of diseases and community spread give him a slight advantage in that he knows what he needs to stock up on and is doing it now. so he has a small, but safe apartment to stay in. isak shares some of his hand sanitizer and masks and they go to opposite ends of the island. he bonded with even initially, while they tried to figure out their status in lockdown, but then they separate and try to go about their lives as normally as possible. isolation will hit hard of course, and they’ll reach out to each other again, looking for answers and any kind of connection back home. even shares what his mother reports on in oslo, and isak shares the research that he has better access to. they zoom for work, and for school, and then they zoom each other. isak still trusts those eyes through a screen, and he wonders if he should trust them in person as well. because as the fear and uncertainty grows over the next few weeks, while they still can’t get home, at least there’s a little bit of steady right in front of them. And they crave it more and more. And…more….

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Fix me, part 8/finale:

Summary: Love is complicated but incredibly beautiful, and if it’s healthy it will help you grow too.

Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing

Word count: 4000

Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) series Masterlist

A/N - heavily inspired by Grey’s anatomy, my own experiences and thoughts, but also by songs: Birdy - Not about angels, Bear’s den - Fortress, Matthew and the atlas - Out of the darkness, Harry Styles - Falling, Kodaline - Wherever you are, Isak Danielson - Love me Wrong, Dove Cameron - Remember me, Tom Odell - Can’t pretend, The XX - Angels, Coldplay - Fix you, Coldplay - The scientist, Elvis Presley - Can’t help falling in love.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Kakorrhaphiophobia (n.) - the fear of failure

Atelphobia - the fear of not being good enough

She stared ahead blankly, her mind void of thought as well as her heart is void of emotion. Is this what it means to break? To lose your humanity once your heart is broken one too many times? To become numb, lifeless, no care for anything or anyone?

It's a fate she would never wish upon anyone, because when you lose the will to fight, why would you want to live?

For some unexplained reason, she felt like a failure...like she failed Ethan and like she failed the blob inside her that counted on her to nurture it until they’re full grown. She had always feared of not being enough, so what if years of chemotherapy had ruined her ability to bear a healthy child? Would Ethan want her then?

"What do you mean you can't find a heartbeat?!" Ethan, on the other hand, wasn't ready to give up. His soul bleeds, but his heart is strong - it's turned to steel, something his many years on the planet ensued. But it's more than age or experience, it's love in its purest form - for the woman beside him that went mute with the news and for the little clump of cells that bear his DNA inside her. 

It's hard to understand how one could care for something that's not even a fully formed human bring, someone you've never met or held, but he fucking loved Y/N before he met her and he sure as hell loved the child he thought she'd gift him with.

"It could mean one of two things. Y/N, when were you supposed to start your period?" Grayson felt the eerie emptiness in the girl before him and he couldn't help but notice his brother is dancing on the edge of that same cliff as well. 

They look pale, defeated, lost. Even with the hurt his words caused, they still hold their hands together, like Y/N is a tree looking for prosperous land to settle down her wary roots and Ethan had provided the perfect soil for her to rest and feel safe.

For a moment, Grayson expected Y/N to leave Ethan, to hate him. Yet, it would seem they are stronger than ever and he can't help but pray that he has it easier with his soulmate but for their bond to be as strong as their's.

"12 days." Monotone voice had sounded as she laid her head back, staring up at the ceiling. Tears prick at her eyes, but she can't even cry anymore. There's nothing left inside her to make her fight and yes, the touch of Ethan's hand is the only grounding sensation at this point.

"And I'm gonna guess you two go at it like bunnies?" This time he turned to Ethan for an answer. With a roll of his eyes and a reluctant nod, Ethan had realized where he's going with this.

"First possibility is that you will have a miscarriage very soon if the embryo didn't implant properly. But the second one I hope is true is that you just came in too soon. The heart tube doesn't form or start beating before the first month." Finally, Y/N blinks, looking back at Grayson who forced a smile for her benefit. Truth be told, he can't be sure but he has to believe in the positive outcome. For his own sanity, and theirs.

"So what does that mean for us?" Gripping Ethan's hand strongly once more, Y/N found herself choking on tears she wants to let out, feeling an overwhelming rush of emotions wash over her.

"For now? Go home. Rest up, avoid stress and eat well. I'll give you prenatals because I'm hopeful and likely right about the second theory. Just be with each other and enjoy the fact destiny gave you this time together."

As hard as it is to admit it, Grayson is right. Y/N knew that. She could still hold onto the anger and let it harm her and possibly the baby, or she can embrace the miracle of life that included both having the man she loves as a soulmate and having his baby she thought she couldn't have.

Resfeber (n.) - tangled feelings of fear and excitement before a journey begins

And in that moment, her eyes found his and a small smile crept up on her and it had made all the difference in the world. Just one smile she gave eased Ethan's raging heart and overwhelmed mind. She anchored him once again and the fear of losing her suddenly had no meaning. For the first time since he met her, Ethan felt that he can't lose her...until death do us part at its truest form.

They sat in the car and Ethan didn't expect much more than the smile she already gave him. He thought she'd ask to be taken to her apartment and be left alone and yet, before he has a chance to ask, she speaks first.

"I love you." Small as it may be to some, this statement she had showed mercy with had given Ethan strength to keep breathing - for both of them if necessary.

"I don't ever want to be away from you. So, if it's alright with you, I'd like to look for a house together." Is it a dream? An elaborate daydream where their relationship is perfect and he didn't lie to her and she isn't a flight risk?

"I choose to have hope. Before you, I wasn't exactly a person with a positive outlook on life, but I can't hide that you've influenced me and I have hope. Thanks to you." Swallowing thickly to hide the fact that he's completely choked up, at a loss for words, Ethan covers his mouth as a chuckle escapes him and he nods.

"Yeah. Yeah. I'd love nothing more." Deciding not to test fate, he started the car and set it to a route to his own home. There's no chance in hell he'd let her stay at her place now. Not when he finally has her - mind, heart, soul.

"I'm still going to be angry at you from time to time, so expect that." She giggles, as if all the worries of the world have washed away and nothing but love remained. 

Sneaking a peek, Ethan found himself mesmerized for her beauty is enthralling, her body intoxicating, but her heart and mind? It's what keeps him coming back for more. 

Ethan realized that everyone is looking for one thing in their significant other - that one person whose light would make all the darkness we've known worth it.

"I'd expect nothing less, sweetheart. As long as you know I plan to spoil you rotten and that I won't leave you...ever."

With a satisfied smile and a court nod, she looked away and out the window, whispering under her breath.

"You really are the sunshine brother."

Unaware Ethan heard her, she kept her gaze on the people outside the window, but Ethan as perplexed as he is with her statement had felt like he finally found meaning in every horrible thing he had went through in his life. His life was fairly good, but when it got bad it truly went up in flames. She made it worth it.

 All of it.

When he feels her love, it robs him of sadness and doubt and when he feels her pain, he senses he could fight the world if it meant she'd be happy again. There is no greater feeling in the world than to love deeply and be loved as passionately and as strongly as you've imagined.

Once they arrived at the apartment, Ethan took her by surprise as he swept her off her feet, holding her in his arms as she squealed with the unexpected loss of stability only to find herself as safe as she never thought she'd be, right in his embrace.

"What?! Are? You? Doooiiinggg?!" She taped his shoulder before wrapping her arms around him tightly, making sure he can't drop her like he once joked he would and then actually dropped her...on the couch, but it was still an accident and she bounced off it and bruised her hip in the process.

"Practicing for when we get married." Ethan smirked as her face flushed red with the thought of actually wearing a wedding dress and saying her vows. She never truly thought she'd live long enough to find her soulmate, let alone actually love him with every inch of her tortured soul and yet she found him and everything that happened after was beautiful, the unfabricated kind.

"You really want to do that?" Her voice went higher and Ethan knew she was nervous, but the good kind.

"If I don’t put a ring on that finger, someone might beat me to it. I'm well aware I'm not entitled to have you as my wife, lover or even friend just because we're soulmates. I'm always going to do my best to remind you that I am a besotted fool when it comes to you and I actually want nothing more than to wake up next to you for the rest of my days. I lived over a century and I never felt happier than I am with you." There was something about the way his eyes changed, the color deeper and warmer in the sunlight as his gaze conveyed all the love he could never express with words even though he tries daily.

Jaded as she used to be, Y/N couldn't deny destiny was right about this match, about the man sent to her when she found herself closed to love, giving up on the notion altogether.

She took his hand and wrapped both of hers around it with a gentle squeeze, hoping he understands how much his words truly mean, especially when he backs them with actions, only to manage a faint: "Ditto."

Raising his eyebrow in surprise, Ethan couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping him as he leaned into her and pecked her lips.

"Ditto? Really? That's all you got after I poured my heart out?" His deep, low tone had rippled through her heart and mind and wreaked havoc as she struggled to put together a sensible thought.

"Love you?" She squealed, his warm hand sneakily riding up her thigh only making her tremble, losing her ability to even breathe. He's intense. Always has been and even now, after everything, Y/N is learning how to survive him.

Aware of it all, he couldn't do much but capture her luscious, quivering bottom lip, claiming it as his, thinking just how much he loves her lips.

And while they hid in his bed for days to come, watching romcoms and eating popcorn, having time to just relax and be at peace with one another, Ethan had to return to his job after three days while she was officially put on bed-rest by Grayson who declared himself as her gynecologist, a little something she intended to change before the first vaginal examination.

Selcouth (adj.) - unfamiliar, rare, strange yet marvelous

"Wait!" Rubbing her hands as she approached him on her knees trying not to fall with her faux crawl from her side of the bed, Ethan laughed halfheartedly as he winked at her with his smirk setting on his lips once again.

"Already miss me?"

Rolling her eyes, she groaned as she took his hands in hers, rubbing them diligently while his confusion grew.

"Not to be that guy but why are you rubbing your soft, kinda oily hands on mine?"

"They're not oily!" Her defensive tone matched the quick sharpness in her eyes as she looked up at him before sighing.

"It's hand cream. Your hands are your instrument, Ethan, you need to protect them."

And he couldn't stop thinking about that for the rest of the day. The way her hands took time to make sure his were safe, it felt...different, intimate like sex and while it’s all he could ever ask for, Ethan was still adjusting to the feeling of being loved by Y/N. He’s been too used to chasing her for every inch of affection, too used to being the one giving her all the love in the world that he never realized she might have a whole lot of love to give as well and perhaps it’s time he lets her.

"You okay, bro? Y/N's fine?" Grayson placed a hand on his brother's shoulder, worried he might have to jump into caretaker mode in case something happened.

"Yeah, just...You know about that thing when girls put moisturizing cream on their hands and then take yours and rub it into your skin?" Ethan glances at his quiet brother who waited for him to continue, only to realize he was actually asking a question not just stating something.

"No. But continue."

"Y/N did that for me today and I swear I almost cried and I still might." Chuckling, Ethan realized he might sound like a baby but he honestly couldn’t believe he’s finally at a point where his life doesn’t seem bleak anymore. 

He’s a little worried how Grayson might take it – watching him grow old and having a family when in fact, that was Grayson’s greatest wish and losing his twin is his worst fear.

“Please don’t.” Grayson squinted, removing his hand off Ethan’s shoulder. “When you cry, I cry, and I’m in no mood to wipe any tears today, alright?” And while his brother joking words and expressions made Ethan’s day go by much faster, his mind remained on two…well, three things: 

how will Grayson fair without him, 

will he be a good father, 

and is he truly at a time in his life where happy ever after is real.

“Who did you operate on and why?” To say he didn’t quite expect to find Y/N rushing to the door with these kinds of questions would be an understatement of the century, but then again, she was never quite ordinary. If anything, this is what drew him to her – the quirkiness, the ambition and even the crazy glint in her eye she gets whenever surgery is even mentioned which intensifies when she’s actually in the operating room. It’s what every good surgeon has – a passion unparalleled to anything earthly and he admired how her fire burned bright and how her thirst for knowledge seemed unquenchable.

“Now I know you did not just decide to run when you’re supposed to be on bed rest.” Giving her a critical, slightly amused look, Ethan waited for her to roll her eyes at him before kissing her forehead. 

“I didn’t do any surgeries today, I was working in the clinic, but I’ll be sure to tell you every gory detail tomorrow after my triple bypass.” Pecking the tip of her nose, Ethan’s eyes dropped to her robe, noticing a hint of cleavage and he couldn’t help himself, smirking with the sight and the image of perfection hiding underneath.

“Don’t even think about it pal, not until we’re sure the blob is fine.” With a pointed, warning glare, Y/N adjusts her robe swiftly, enjoying Ethan’s groan of despair way too much.

“You really gotta stop calling our baby a blob.” Ethan drapes an arm over her shoulders, a small smile gracing his face – smile of content he long forgot could exist in his heart.

“I will when there’s something more than just a mix of DNA.” She retorted as he knew she would and he realized this would be his life – and he loved the very thought of having these silly little arguments with her even when they’re old and gray, stealing intimate moments while the kids are in the other room, being the embarrassing parents that are so in love with each other that their kids will never settle for anything less but their soulmate as well. 

He wanted that future and he was so incredibly grateful he has a chance to finally rest his head on her chest and just listen to the sound of her beating heart.

Ludic (adj.) - full of fun and high spirits

Within two weeks, Grayson confirmed the pregnancy and for once, Y/N realized life isn’t a bleak collection of painful memories but a beautiful, evolving thing that seemed to make every day a pleasure.

“That’s one strong heartbeat.” Grayson enthusiastic response made all three to cry the happiest tears one could ever shed. Hand in hand, Ethan and Y/N felt like the world was on their side and that even when they face hardships, together they will conquer them all.

The pregnancy wasn’t easy for them, especially when Y/N insisted she continued her internship till the end, pausing on residency for a while after she passed her intern exam. 

Ethan constantly reminded her to take her supplements, to rest up and eat and he often had to carry her to bed because she’d fall asleep on the ride home. He didn’t mind though, he just worried she was working too hard and he was way too happy about her residency break…even if it came at six months of pregnancy. 

If she was being completely honest, Ethan was driving her crazy all the time and sometimes it felt as if he were the one pregnant not her, but she took it all because it was a way he shows how much he loves and cares for her and she never felt so loved and cared for in her life.

He was relieved she didn’t suffer from any morning sickness or heartburn, but her night cravings were so bad he was out driving to the store almost every night and the things she ate were usually too disgusting for Ethan to watch, especially because she really liked everything his vegan ass wanted to freak out over.

“The things we do for those we love, huh bub?” He whispered at the belly, gently running his hand along where he felt the baby kick earlier. 

Ethan loved to stay up longer than Y/N and just talk to the baby, sometimes just about his day or about how he and uncle Gray made headway with the nursery or the really cute father-uncle-son outfits he found shopping online, but those moments where he believed it was just the two of them talking turned into his favorite time of day.

Y/N would hear him some nights, smiling softly into her pillow but she let him believe she was asleep but even he realized more than once she was listening in – truth is, she started snoring in the eight month, not that Ethan minded much. He truly couldn’t sleep from fear of early labor anyway.

Grayson wasn’t very happy when Y/N switched gynecologists at all. She still let him do the ultrasounds but anything else was a big no – no. Not that she could stop him from being in front of the office, yelling reminders for her actual doctor, knocking every ten seconds to ask Y/N if he can come in and most of the time she just laughed it off and Ethan appreciated her more for it. He knew if she could handle his crazy, over-involved brother, she would be able to handle anything – even the tiny Dolan in her belly that would surely drive his momma nuts down the road because Dolan men are rowdy, adventurous, headstrong and incredibly prone to accidents. 

To be fair, Ethan did warn her.

However, when labor did start, it was during one of the worst storms New York ever faced.

“Our whole relationship was a hurricane, why not crown it with a baby during an actual one too?” Y/N teased, showing no signs of worry while Ethan was a hot mess, holding her right hand and Grayson was guiding her through everything, holding her left hand.

Every time Grayson tried to see what’s happening, to make sure everything is going right, Y/N all but crushed his hand and Ethan shouted: “Stay where Y/N’s head is not the babies!”

After an eighteen-hour long labor, Hamza Cameron Dolan arrived, already loved and so, so wanted. Ethan and Grayson wept, trying not to freak out Y/N who held her son at her chest, a look of pure adoration on her face as she tried to remember every inch of Hamza’s little face.

“I think he has your jaw already. No wonder I felt something cut my cervix while he was passing through.” Giggling, she looked at Ethan – the man who had changed her views on love, on soulmates and on what it means to have someone you can count on, someone who will always hold your hand to prevent you from falling. He had taught her what it feels to really be at peace.

“Little mans is holding my finger.” Ethan cried out, making Grayson laugh through tears.

And as years went by, Grayson watched his brother’s happiness grow, his family growing as well. In seven years that passed, Y/N had become a surgeon specializing in oncology patients, though it took her a while considering she had twins three years after Hamza was born.

After a while, Grayson started withering. He truly loved his nieces and nephew, he adored Y/N and there wasn’t even an inkling of jealousy of his brother – the chief of surgery, but he did have longing. He longed for a love of his own, to have his soulmate in his arms and look into her eyes for the first time and have it all make sense.

He wanted that grey streak in his hair, the one that meant his life wasn’t an unstoppable, repeating cycle that drowned him with a people, events and emotions he could easily predict at this point. And he loves his job, always did, but something was missing and he knew it was her.

Sighing, Grayson passed Y/N in the hall, leaving a quick kiss on her cheek before continuing down the hall, realizing he’s almost late for his next appointment.

Going over the list of things he has yet to do for the day, he walked into the examination room, heading straight for the sink to wash his hands before putting on a pair of gloves. If anything, Grayson was always a firm believer in protocol concerning disinfection between patients, writing a book on it about fifty years ago that became a core for future hospital guidelines, ones still in place today.

While he went about his duties, his patient watched him intently – something he’s used to considering he’s a very handsome ‘young’ man in a sensitive part of medicine. He could feel her gaze upon him, but he just couldn’t bother with yet another flirtatious patient. While he’s usually friendly, charming and kind, Grayson tends to be a bit colder with those who want to cross the lines.

“I’m Doctor Dolan and I understand you’re here for a Pap smear?” Turning around, he looked at the patient’s already prepared position – legs spread with a cover still allowing him to see the full image of her vagina and everything he’d need to see to do his job right, however, in seconds, the woman closed her legs and gasped, sitting up frantically and only then did he make direct eye contact – no longer distracted by anything but the undeniable appearance of a silver streak in her hair right before his eyes.

“Oh my God!”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Tags: @beinscorpio @peacedolantwins @heyits-claire @dolandolll @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @ethanhes @graydolan12  @zeusgrayson @libradolan @justordinaryjen @pineappledolan @graysavant @livexdolan  @shadowsndaisies @dolans4lyfe @mendesficsxbombay @fxkthatdairy @drewsstarkey 

[norgestan]

I feel like apart from the relationship with joana, they write cris as such a typical "straight girl". I don't what it is, but she reminds of my straight friends.

i mean, on one hand dear anon, i know exactly what you mean and i agree! but then again, what does it mean to be a typical bisexual/queer girl? do we want cris to be that exact perception that we have of a queer girl? does it makes sense for her character?

if you’ve read my s2 review you’ll know i’m not really satisfied at how they handled cris’ sexuality in the show, but one aspect that they were very clear on is that the only thing that changed in cris’ life regarding her sexuality was that... she knows she can feel attraction for anyone now. i find it hard to believe that she would completely shift to attributes of queer expression according to queer people when 1) her friend group is, as we know it for now, only straight girls, plus three straight guys + one gay guy, and 2) she hasn’t made any effort to seek LGBTQ+ communities by herself. and when you look at it, the same exact thing happens with every other isak in all the remakes. the closest that some isaks get is by wearing little things that can be considered feminine: take isak wearing that flower on his hair on s4, or robbe with that earring in s4 of wtfock. but for the most part, besides having a partner of their same sex, the isaks are pretty much straight-presenting, if that’s a term that even exists lol

what i like is that eskam made their lucas take the eskild role, which means that we have seen him shift from a straight-presenting dude to a more flamboyant guy: wearing earrings, painting his nails, flaunting mlm fashion and using make-up. would i love if there was an established wlw character in the show that queer people can see their culture reflected on? well, as someone who isn’t really in touch with that culture... it would be nice for sure, but i wouldn’t particularly care about it. of course, i think it’s important to have teenagers representing what other queer teenagers identify as their culture. but i don’t think the skam remakes are a show for that - and yes, this isn’t what you asked for (this entire ask isn’t what you asked for) but i think it’s important to know what we can expect from certain shows - and from skam remakes, more specifically. and in a show with a glaring lack of queer people on their recurrent characters, i find it hard to think we could get meaningful representation of queer culture on their lgbtq+ characters.

[justcallmefox89]

Truth or Dare Part 7 - Diavolo’s Ending

Mammon has agreed to a relationship with both Arianthi and Diavolo, and will be moving into the Demon Lord’s Castle.  Now all that’s left is to explain this to his brothers..........  The trio navigates their first night together and Diavolo makes a surprising promise to Mammon.

Written from the perspective of my female OC Arianthi.

NSFW - oral sex, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, blowjob, threesome, guy on guy, guy on girl, guys on girl......... you get the idea.  This trio is nasty.  In the best possible way.

Also, protective Dia is best Dia.  Fight me.

Mood List:

Hozier - Someone New Kaleo - Save Yourself Adam Lambert - Velvet LP - Halo (cover) Isak Danielson - Power

I look back and forth between Mammon and Diavolo.  “So what do we do now my loves?”

Mammon rubs the back of his neck, thinking.  “Well, I suppose we oughta tell everyone here that I’ll be movin’ out.”

“Maybe we can put that conversation off until tomorrow,” Diavolo sighs.  “I’m not up to explaining things to Lucifer tonight.”

“I want to apologize to everyone else,” I say.  “I left things on a really bad note on the night I moved out.  I wanted to get them some apology gifts too.  Maybe Mammon and I can go shopping in the morning and we can all come back here tomorrow afternoon and tell everyone then.”

Diavolo takes my hand, raises it to his lips and brushes a kiss over my fingertips.  “Whatever you want Princess.”

Mammon bristles next to me but says nothing.  I reach over with my free hand to gently squeeze his thigh and I feel him relax.  He grabs my hand and mimics Diavolo’s gesture.

“I like that idea,” he murmurs against my knuckles.

Diavolo stands up quickly and starts walking to the door of the library.  

“Now that we’ve decided our plan of action I suggest we leave.  Immediately.  Before Lucifer comes back.”

He smirks at us and opens the door.  I stand up, giggling, and go to join him.  

“Coming Mammon?”  Diavolo asks.

I turn around and see Mammon frozen in his spot on the couch.

“Um, I mean, are ya s-s-sure?”  he mutters, staring at his feet. 

I move back to the couch and take both his hands, and tug him up to stand in front of me.  I cup his cheek, pulling him down for a kiss.  This one is different from the one in the kitchen.  Softer, sweeter, almost hesitant on his part.  I nip at his lower lip and his moans into my mouth.  I take advantage and brush my tongue against his.  Mammon’s hands run under the hem of my shirt, touching the bare skin of my waist, pulling me closer to him.

He jerks away from me suddenly, and worriedly glances over at Diavolo.  Diavolo smiles at us lazily, one hand twitching against his thigh.  My eyes flicker down to look at his pants and I shake my head.  

He’s hard.  Apparently he’s into watching...... the more you know.   

I smirk internally and file that tidbit of knowledge away for later.

Reassured by Diavolo’s reaction Mammon grabs my hand and starts pulling me towards the door.  “Let’s get outta of here.”

The three of us sneak out of the House of Lamentation as quietly as we can, giggling and shushing each other.  The walk back to the Demon Lord’s Castle is no better; we get tangled up in soft touches and quick kisses, Mammon and Diavolo begin to trade gentle caresses while their free hands run over my arms and waist.  

We burst through the castle door and find a waiting Barbatos.  Mammon and I freeze, but Diavolo simply smiles at him.

“Hello Barbatos.  I don’t think I’ll be needing anything further from you this evening.”  

He takes Mammon and I by the hand and starts leading us up the staircase to our bedroom.  I look back over my shoulder at Barbatos and see him watching us, a knowing smile on his face. 

I pull Mammon into our bedroom, Diavolo close behind us.  As soon as the door is shut strong hands grip my waist and I’m yanked backwards, my body flush against Diavolo’s chest.  

I grab Mammon’s shirt and pull him to me, kissing his neck, while Diavolo’s hands roam over my thighs and up to my breasts.  I whimper and arch into his touch, then Mammon’s mouth closes over mine.  He licks along my lower lip and I eagerly allow him access, greedy to taste him again.  Diavolo’s lips brush against my neck before he gives me a soft bite.  Assaulted by the dual sensations I let out a small moan.  

“Oh come on princess, I know you can do better than that.  I’ve heard it.”  Diavolo’s breath is warm against my ear.  

Mammon’s bright blues eyes lock onto my face and he smirks.  “Oh, so she’s a loud one huh?”

“You have no idea.”  I feel Diavolo’s smile against my neck.  

His hand snakes over my shoulder and he reaches out to brush his large fingers over Mammon’s cheek.  Mammon leans into the soft caress, closing his eyes and smiling.  They lean forward over my shoulder at the same moment, lips meeting in gentle kiss.  

The kiss quickly turns heated and I loll my head back against Diavolo’s chest, lost in the simple joy of watching two beautiful men kiss, relishing in the feel of their hands wandering over my body.

When they break apart I take over where Diavolo left off, claiming Mammon’s mouth in a rough kiss, my desire making me impatient.  I move my hands under Mammon’s shirt, running my fingers overs his chest and abs.  He shivers under my touch and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me free from Diavolo’s hold and crushing me to him.  We eventually break apart, breathing heavily, hands restlessly roaming each other’s bodies.

Diavolo gives us a gentle push.  

“You two go on and play,” he says, his voice low and hoarse.  

Mammon and I stumble over to one of the armchairs, eagerly pulling off our clothes, needy for skin to skin contact.  He sits and reaches for me, guiding me to straddle him.  My breasts brush against his chest and I run my hands through his hair, tugging a little as I move to nip at his earlobe.  I continue down his neck and to his chest, leaving sharp love bites and then soothing them with soft swipes of my tongue.

He groans.  “Ya trying to drive me crazy?”

I smile and nuzzle his neck.  “Maybe.  Is it working?”

“Fuck yes.”  He hisses in pleasure as I reach between us and slowly start stroking his cock.  

I keep my rhythm steady, teasing the silky skin, dusting kisses across his chest as he bucks his hips against my hand, desperate for more friction.

“So impatient,” I murmur teasingly.

Mammon looks at me, eyes half-lidded and dark with desire.  “I’ve been waiting for this since your second week here.  I’m fucking sick of being patient.”  

He growls low in his throat, his hand skimming across my thighs.  His hand dips lower, one slender finger brushing over my clit and through my folds, teasing.  He examines his finger and smirks at me.

“So wet already baby?  We’re just gettin’ started.”  His lips close around his finger and he slowly sucks on it.  “Mmmm.  So sweet.  I knew ya would be.”

I whimper and press myself closer to him, desperate for more.  He lowers his head, roughly sucking one of my nipples into his mouth while his hand dips between my thighs again.  He slides one finger into my pussy, using his thumb to tease my clit.  My hips jerk involuntarily and I press my face into his neck.  He adds a second finger and I bite down hard on his shoulder, moaning his name.  I roll my hips, riding his hand, while he thrust his fingers in and out of my pussy and increases the pressure of his thumb on my clit.

“I got ya baby,” he whispers, looking up at me.  “Bite me, moan for me, scream my name.  Tell me how good I’m doin’ for ya.”

“More.  I need more Mammon,” I whine, kissing along his jaw.  “Please Mammon.”

His chuckle rumbles deep in his chest.  

“Who’s a greedy little thing now?”  He whispers before kissing me.  

He slides his fingers out of my pussy and I whimper at the loss of contact.  He runs his fingers slowly along his cock, smearing it with my wetness.  He grabs at my hips, lifting me off his lap.

“Turn around for me baby and I’ll give ya what ya want,” Mammon murmurs teasingly, hands caressing my ass.

He slides a little lower in the chair and helps me turn in his lap, guiding me into position, my thighs hooked over his, leaving me spread for him.  I lower myself onto his cock slowly, feeling myself stretch around his thickness.  He thrusts up into me suddenly, bottoming out while my pussy clenches around his cock and I scream his name.

“Oh fuck,” he says breathily.  

We begin to move in unison and I’m losing myself in the pleasure of finally fucking him, when he grips my hips tightly and whispers, “He’s really watching us,” with a shocked tone in his voice.  

I look to my right and see Diavolo stretched out in the other armchair, pants unzipped, languidly stroking his cock while he watches us.  He catches me looking and bites his lower lip, stroking a little faster.

“You both look so fucking pretty like that,” he murmurs.

Mammon thrusts up into me with enough force to make me gasp and clutch at the arms of the chair.

“Mammon!”

“You’re mine right now,” he mutters darkly.  “Pay attention to me.”

“Yes sir,” I breathe, circling my hips and grinding down against him.

“Yeah baby.  Just like that. Just.  Like.  That.”

I close my eyes, losing myself to the feeling of his cock inside me and our mingled sighs of desire.  I feel a second set of hands slide up my legs and my eyes snap open.  Diavolo is on his knees in front of us, stroking his cock.

He lightly slaps Mammon’s leg.  “Spread you legs for me.”

Mammon hesitates, losing his rhythm. 

“Mammon.”  Diavolo’s tone is soft and teasing.  “Spread your legs.”

“This is so goddamn hot,” Mammon whispers against my back.  

He opens his legs wider for Diavolo, mine automatically following.  

Diavolo lowers his head, flicking his tongue against my clit.

I grip his hair with both hands.  “Oh my God Dia!”

He pauses long enough to say, “Princess, I promise you God has nothing to do with this.”

Diavolo uses his tongue on both of us; licking at Mammon’s shaft while he thrusts his cock in and out of my pussy, giving teasing licks and sucks to my clit.  He drags his fingernails along Mammon’s inner thighs, making him shiver.

“Diavolo...... Arianthi.”  Mammon is panting and his thrusts are becoming sloppy.  “You’re gonna make me .....I’m so close.....”

“I am too,” I whimper.

Diavolo presses an open mouthed kiss to Mammon’s shaft, then circles my clit with his tongue.  

“Then cum for me,” he whispers.  “Show me how beautiful you both look when you cum together for me.”

Mammon comes undone first, pulling me tight to him as he thrusts deep one final time.  His cock twitches and pulses inside me as he cums and I hear him whispering a string of curses.  I feel some of his cum leaking out of my pussy and look down to see Diavolo eagerly lapping it up.  

Mammon shudders at the extra stimulation as Diavolo licks his way up his shaft.  A few more expert flicks of Diavolo’s tongue and I fly apart, gripping his hair and moaning, pussy clenching around Mammon’s thick cock as I cum.  

“Mammon, Mammon, Mammon,” I whimper his name like a prayer as I ride out the high from my orgasm.

I feel a tug on my hand and look down to see Diavolo, smirking at me.  “Come down here princess.  Help me clean up this mess you made.”

I scramble out of Mammon’s lap and kneel on the floor next to Diavolo.  We each bring our mouths to Mammon’s cock, giving it kitten licks and lapping up his cum.  Diavolo gently sucks the head of Mammon’s cock into his mouth while I lick up and down his shaft, cleaning every inch with my tongue.

Mammon arches in his chair, hips jerking.  “Holy shit,” he mutters.  

He reaches down and tangles one hand in my hair, doing the same thing to Diavolo with his other hand.  He pushes us down further as he bucks his hips up against our mouths.  After a few more minutes Diavolo brings his head up and grabs my chin, giving me a sloppy kiss.

“My turn now,” he whispers to me.  

He picks me up then holds out a hand to Mammon.  “You’re coming too.”

Still hazy from pleasure Mammon takes his hand and I wrap my arms around Diavolo’s neck, nipping at his ear before pressing a warm kiss beneath it.  Diavolo drops me on the bed as he yanks on Mammon’s hand and we all tumble onto the mattress in a tangle of limbs.

Diavolo crawls over me, still dressed.  “Sorry princess, but I cant wait.”  

He shimmies his pants down a little lower on his hips and gives his cock a few rough strokes before suddenly thrusting into me.  My hands grip the sheets and I cry out. 

“Fuck I love that sound,” Diavolo mutters, leaning down to press a searing kiss against my lips.

I wrap my legs around his waist and arch my hips up in an effort to take him deeper.  His thick cock deliciously stretches my pussy and his thrusts are rough, almost savage.  He bites down hard on my lower lip, forcing me to cry out again.

I feel a hand cup my breast, slender fingers pinching and twisting my nipple, and a warm mouth drops kisses along my shoulder.  I look over and see Mammon, his eyes dark with lust.  They flicker from my face down to watch Diavolo fucking me.  He mutters something intelligible then returns to playing with my breast, kissing and biting down my neck.

“Just like that Mammon.  Don’t stop......I love watching you play with her,” Diavolo growls, never slowing his brutal pace.

Between Mammon’s mouth and hands, Diavolo’s cock, and the feel of his clothes rubbing against my body as he fucks me, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.  These two demons are now the focus of my entire universe.

“Dia....Mammon,” I whimper, unable to form sentences, unable to do anything but squirm with desire beneath their ministrations.  

“Shhh baby, just let go.  We got ya,” Mammon whispers against my ear, his warm breath making me shiver.  

He crawls down the bed towards Diavolo, cups his face in his hands, and brings him into a passionate kiss.  Diavolo responds eagerly, his hips stuttering for only a moment as he adjusts to dividing his attention between me and Mammon.

Seeing them together like that, Mammon’s hands roaming over Diavolo’s chest and shoulders while they kiss, coupled with the feeling of Diavolo’s thick cock pounding into my pussy, is what sends me over the edge into my second orgasm.  

I scream out, throwing my head back against the pillows and twisting the sheets between my hands.  Diavolo cums only a few seconds later, growling as he pulls Mammon to him for another kiss.  Warm spurts of his cum paint the walls of my pussy, mingling with Mammon’s.  We all fall back onto the mattress together, sweaty and spent, breathing hard.

Mammon gathers me to him and I turn on my side, laying my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me, tangling our legs together.  I hear Diavolo stand up and the rustle of his clothing falling to the floor.  He climbs back onto the bed and I feel his naked body curl up against my back in his customary big spoon position.  His strong arms come around both me and Mammon, cuddling us close to him.  Surrounding by their warm bodies and soft breathing I drift off to sleep.

I wake up the next morning to the feeling of satin lips brushing across my cheek.  I roll over and see Diavolo already dressed for the day, straightening his tie as he smiles down at me.

“Where are you off to so early?”  I whisper, trying not to wake Mammon.

He bends down so we’re eye level.  

“Just a few things to take care of this morning.  Message me when you and Mammon are ready to go over to the House of Lamentation.”  He presses a quick kiss to my lips.  “I love you Arianthi.”

“I love you too Dia,” I reply before rolling over and snuggling into Mammon’s side.  

I watch Diavolo cross to the other side of the bed and drop a soft kiss on Mammon’s forehead.  

“Goodbye sleepyhead,” he murmurs.

As he turns to leave one of Mammon’s hands shoots out and squeezes his fingers for a moment.  

“Bye Diavolo,” Mammon mumbles before quickly falling back asleep.  

After a long morning of shopping and one quick portal jump to the human realm, Mammon and I are standing in front of the House of Lamentation waiting patiently for Diavolo.  

“How do ya think this is all gonna go?” He asks me nervously.

I lean against him and rest my head on his shoulder.  “Best case scenario, Lucifer tries to kill us and Diavolo is able to stop him before he breaks every bone in my body.”  

I should probably not even consider the worst case scenario if that’s our best option.  

Mammon laughs and rests his cheek against the top of my head.  “It probably won’t be that bad.” 

“What won’t be that bad?”  Diavolo’s voice comes from behind us.

“I was just tellin’ Arianthi that this might not end up bein’ a total disaster,” Mammon replies.

“Of course it won’t be,” Diavolo says with a grin, before giving us each a kiss on the cheek.

Mammon reaches up and lightly touches his fingertips to the spot where Diavolo kissed him, his mouth forming a surprised O as he blushes furiously.  I grin at his flustered expression before taking his hand, lacing my fingers with his.  Diavolo takes his other hand, squeezing it reassuringly.  We walk to the front door and wait patiently as Diavolo knocks.

Lucifer answers the door and he narrows in on Mammon, face contorted with fury.  

“Where have you been?”  he hisses.  “You disappeared last night, you haven’t been responding to calls or messages........” he trails off when he finally notices Diavolo and I standing on either side of Mammon.

Diavolo smoothly steps in front of Mammon and I, shielding us from Lucifer’s furious gaze.  

“Lucifer, could you gather all of your brothers for us?  We have something we need to tell all of you.”  He gestures to the shopping bags I’m holding.  “And I believe Arianthi has some things she would like to give to each of you.”  

Lucifer quickly schools his face back into its usual impassive expression before stepping aside to let us enter.  “Of course, my lord.  Wait in the living room while I collect everyone.”  

We quietly file into the living room and I notice that Mammon is looking pale.  I touch his arm softly.  “Babe, what’s wrong?”

Mammon shakes his head.  “I changed my mind. This is a bad idea.  Even if Lucifer doesn’t lose his mind none of ‘em are gonna believe us.  They wouldn’t believe one of ya would’ve chose a loser like me, let alone both of ya.”  

He starts to tremble.

Diavolo takes Mammon in his arms and pulls him close to his chest.  I join in, hugging him from behind and laying my head against his back.  I’m trying to think of something comforting to say when Diavolo starts to speak.

“It doesn’t matter what any of them say Mammon.  The fact remains that we did choose you.  We want you with us.  I can’t say “I love you” yet, but I do care for you.  And I know Arianthi loves you.”

I nod against Mammon’s back.  “I do love you Mammon.  So, so much.”  

I kiss his shoulder. 

I hear Mammon sniffle and he snuggles closer to Diavolo’s chest.  “I love you too Arianthi,” he whispers.

“You are the Avatar of Greed and no one should fault you for that.  I would rather you not attempt to steal the Demon King’s most valuable treasures though.”  Diavolo’s tone is light and teasing, and a small laugh escapes Mammon.  

“Your brothers are never scolded or punished as harshly as you are for living up to their sins.  I apologize for not realizing how badly people sometimes treat you until now.”  

Diavolo presses his lips against Mammon’s hair.  

“You are so much more than your greed, Arianthi and I both know that.  And I promise you that I will never allow anyone to hurt you ever again.  I’ll protect you, both of you, from anything or anyone that tries to harm you,” he whispers fiercely. 

We all cling tightly to one another until Mammon stops shaking.  I step back and Diavolo takes Mammon’s face in both his hands, wiping away some stray tears with his thumbs.  He gives Mammon a gentle kiss, then rests his forehead against Mammon’s.  

“I’ve got you now Mammon.  Let me take care of you,” he murmurs.

I can barely hear Mammon’s whispered, “Ok.”

Diavolo leads us to a couch and we sit on either side of Mammon, Diavolo holding his hand and me resting my head on his shoulder, with my arms around his waist to hold him close.  We stay like that until we hear approaching footsteps, and we gently disentangle ourselves as the brothers file into the living room.

I wait until everyone is seated, then I begin talking.  

“I know that I was wrong for everything I said to all of you the last time we were all together.  I was wrong for the way I left too.  I was angry and confused and I took all of that out on you guys.  I shouldn’t have done that and I am so, so sorry.  I don’t expect any of you to forgive me for what I did, but I really hope we can all be friends again someday.” 

I stop talking and chew the inside of my cheek anxiously, waiting for one of them to respond.

Beel gives me a wide smile.  “We’re still friends Arianthi.”

“Yeah, we never stopped being friends,” Belphie chimes in sleepily.  

Levi grins at me.  “I need my gaming buddy back.  It’s lonely leveling up all alone.”

“I’ve missed our Manicure Mondays,” Asmo says with a sad frown.

“It’s been hard to have any intellectual discourse with our you around.”  Satan smirks as his brothers grumble around him.

Lucifer gives me a small smile.  “We forgive you Arianthi.  Your presence has been greatly missed by all of us.”

I sag against Mammon in relief, smiling happily.  “Oh!  Before I forget, Mammon and I went shopping today and I got something for each of you.”  

I leap to my feet and start rummaging through the shopping bags.  I circle the room, pressing gifts into all of their hands.  A Hellfire-Baked cheesecake from Madam Devian’s for Beel, the newest human realm Ruri-chan figurine for Levi, a gift card to Majolish for Asmo, a book of Ansel Adams photography for Satan, a record of the opera ‘Aida’ for Lucifer, and for Belphie, a plush cow print blanket to match his pillow.  

They all smile and murmur their thanks as they examine their gifts.  Beel immediately opens his cheesecake and dives in, while Belphie leans against him, wrapped in his new blanket.

Lucifer clears his throat, gathering the attention of the whole room.  “Diavolo, you said that there was something else you needed to discuss with all of us?”

Diavolo speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully.  “It’s not so much of a discussion, as it is an announcement.  And it involves all three of us.”  

He gestures at Mammon and I.

Six pairs of eyes stare at us intently, waiting for a more thorough explanation.  Mammon and Diavolo both look to me.  

Really boys?  Really?  You’re gonna make the human handle the dirty work?!  

I bite my lip and shake my head, mouthing not it.

Mammon grunts and rolls his eyes.  

“The thing is....” he trails off, looking to Diavolo and then me for guidance.  

I hold his hand and cuddle against him while Diavolo wraps an arm around his shoulders.  There is a chorus of surprised whispers and startled looks from the brothers.

I sigh.  “Ok, so what had happened was-”

“Mammon is leaving the House of Lamentation,” Diavolo finishes for me. 

“What?”  Satan asked, eyebrows raised.

Beel looks concerned.  “Why?  Are you ok Mammon?  Are you sick?”

“Are you finally going to throw him in the dungeon for trying to steal everything in the Devildom that isn’t nailed down?”  Asmo snickers.

Diavolo shoots him a nasty look.  

“Enough Asmodeus.”  There is a warning note in his voice.

“I’m movin’ into the Demon Lord’s castle,” Mammon says quickly.  “To be with Arianthi and Diavolo.”

Lucifer frowns and he stares at us suspiciously.  “What do you mean when you say ‘to be with them’?”

Mammon hesitates.  Diavolo gives him a reassuring nod and I kiss his cheek. 

 He sits up a little straighter and proudly says, “We’re together.  The three of us.  We’re in a relationship.”

Levi and Asmo burst into loud laughter while Satan snickers.  Beel and Belphie look at us, twin masks of confusion on their faces.  Lucifer’s crimson eyes narrow in on Diavolo, his gaze bordering on something that closely resembles hate.

Mammon hunches in on himself, shrinking away from their mocking laughter, an expression of genuine hurt on his face.

“I can’t believe you’d even try to lie about something like that!  Like either one of them would willingly choose to be with the biggest scumbag in the entire Devildom.”  Levi is laughing so hard he’s crying.

“We call him Stupid Mammon for a reason Levi,” Asmo responds before dissolving into another fit of giggles.

“Stop it!”  I glare at both of them.  

“You too mister!” I say, pointing at Satan, who is still snickering to himself.  “Mammon isn’t lying, and it’s really shitty of you to immediately jump to that conclusion.”

Lucifer looks like he’s ready to have a stroke.

“So you really are dating both of them Mammon?” Beel asks.

“Yeah, I am,” Mammon answers softly.

Belphie looks at me with concern. “Are you ok with that Arianthi?”

I smile at him.  “I really, really am Belphie.  I love both of them very much.”

Beel smiles at us.  “As long as all of you are happy.  That’s all I care about.”

Asmo cocks his head to one side and smirks.  “Diavolo, are you sure this isn’t some scheme of Mammon’s to get unrestricted access to the Demon Lord’s castle?  He’d do anything for a Grimm, even if it meant pretending to care about the two of you.”

Mammon looks like he’s been slapped.  His grabs for my hand and blinks rapidly, trying to hold back tears.  “I wouldn’t do that!  I wouldn’t lie about somethin’ like that.  Not ever.”

Asmo and Levi roll their eyes.

“I may not know Mammon as well as you claim to, but I know he wouldn’t do something as disgusting as that.”  Diavolo’s voice is low and dangerous.   “It would be wise for you two to remember that you are talking about my partner.  A partner that I have promised to care for and protect.  From anything or anyone who may hurt him.”

An uncomfortable silence falls over the room, the brothers shifting in their seats and eyeing Diavolo uneasily.   Mammon is pale and his grip on my hand is getting painful.

I stand, pulling him up with me.  “We should go.”

Diavolo is still seated, staring murderously at Asmo and Levi, like he’s imagining every possible way to torture them as punishment for being mean to Mammon.

“Dia,” I say softly, catching his attention.  “We need to get Mammon home.”

He glances at Mammon, taking in his pained expression and pale face.  “You’re right princess.  Let’s take Mammon home.  Where he can be with people who actually care about him.”  

Diavolo levels one last furious look at Levi, Asmo, and Satan before getting up.  He stands on the other side of Mammon, placing an arm protectively around his shoulders.  We start walking out of the living room as a unit, shielding Mammon from his brothers’ prying stares with our bodies.

I hear the loud whoosh of wings unfolding a split second before Lucifer’s enraged scream. 

 “Diavolo! You will NOT take my brother!”

[lightsandlostbells]

wtFOCK season 3, episode 3 reaction

In this episode, Sander shows up 15 minutes late with croques (I know this joke has to have been made before, sorry)

Just adding again that if you are looking for an all-positive review of this show, this is not it. Please don’t read if you would prefer not to hear negative takes.

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Robbe on the beach

Robbe is sharing a bed with Noor. He’s doing some good physical acting because even just lying there, I can tell how stiff and uncomfortable he is. He wakes up and looks bummed. It’s pretty early and he’s on vacation so you know he really doesn’t want to be spooning with a girl if he’s getting out of bed right now.

Gotta say the detail of Aaron’s ass being half-exposed in his sleep is a detail that made me lol.

Robbe goes to the beach and listens to music. He types a text to his mom that he can’t make it to see her this week because he’s at the seaside, (because he’s supposedly doing a school project with Jen, lmao) but then he deletes it. So perhaps he is feeling guilt over not visiting, or he’s just got mixed feelings and wants to distance himself from his family situation right now.

Clip 2 - FINALLY

Robbe goes back to the house and sees a mysterious dude. It’s only been like 20 minutes since Robbe left the house, so this guy must have just arrived. Don’t know why they didn’t just combine these clips, especially since it would’ve been a nice contrast to get Robbe moody and alone vs. the jolt he receives with a cute boy’s arrival within one clip.

The important thing is that we finally meet the Even of this season, who I’ve been pretending I didn’t know is called Sander. I’m going to repeat what dozens of other people have said and say yes, this is Jack Frost from that one movie in live-action form. 

Sander does a bit where he roasts Robbe about not having breakfast ready and he expected it when he made a reservation; Robbe acts half-amused, half-confused as fuck, as if part of him recognizes it as a windup but he also doesn’t know who this dude is, so maybe he could be for real?

Afterwards Sander is like, let’s go bitch, we’re grabbing breakfast, and he introduces himself. Robbe is still flabbergasted but he follows Sander out the door anyway, possibly compelled by Sander’s charisma, possibly just swayed by a hot guy. He has no idea how important this meeting is in the grand scheme of things. Robbe, your story is finally starting in episode 3!

OK, I like Sander’s intro! It’s in line with Even’s paper towel trick. Sander is getting Robbe’s attention with a dramatic introduction. He made sure to make a memorable first impression. It works not just for Robbe, but for me as a viewer as well. And I like that Robbe was caught off-guard like Isak was and they didn’t instantly fall into banter or anything, because let’s be real, if some strange dude showed up in your kitchen and started talking to you like this, you would be pretty WTF no matter how nice his face is. 

I am not sure if this show will do the thing where Sander has been pining after Robbe for a while before this meeting - we have seen glimpses of Sander so it seems as if he’s seen Robbe before, but if he’s not from the same school as I think is the case, then I wonder how much he really could have developed feelings for Robbe? Even saw Isak the first day of school, so it’s easy to understand that he developed a crush in the time between that and S3 just by seeing Isak doing his thing at school regularly, and he had plenty of time to learn who Isak was. With Sander, it seems like he just saw Robbe randomly, and that makes sense for “hmm, a cute guy” but not really this giant crush on Robbe as a person. 

This is why it would have been good to actually show what Robbe did or made in the graffiti scene, because it would make sense if Robbe drew something that would have intrigued Sander.

Anyway, the larger point is that this scene does make sense if you consider that Sander was waiting for Robbe and this was a planned intro. I assume there is some way that he found out Robbe would be here this weekend. If this is not something Sander expected, then it’s pretty impulsive of him. Though I can totally buy him winging the booking.com bit if that’s his personality. But it makes more sense to me at the moment to imagine that Sander knew Robbe was coming.

Clip 3 - Robbe and Sander at the store

Robbe and Sander are grocery shopping. Sander quickly establishes himself as having an outspoken, confident personality. I do like how instantly his vibe comes across, which is helpful since we’re making up for lost time.

Sander asking Robbe how many hot dogs one eats has some G-rated “Even immediately starts talking about blowjobs” energy. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence and they really are just talking about food, but like. It’s an Even. 

Amber sends them the shopping list full of normal grocery items. Sander is like NOPE, not getting that. Well I hope no one has any dietary restrictions they need to follow, lmao.

Robbe asks Sander how he knows Amber, but Sander gets distracted by the song over the loudspeakers so he doesn’t have to disclose the truth yet. The song is by “Rebel Rebel” by David Bowie. He asks Robbe if he’s a fan and Robbe is like “yeah!” but Sander challenges him to name three of his songs and Robbe is a flop. Again, I do like how forcefully Sander comes across, his personality is evident.

I have to say: out of all the remake Evens, he’s the one who most immediately comes across as a magnetic personality. Granted, he seems to have a very similar vibe to Even whereas some remake Evens have rather different personalities from the original recipe. But Sander does come across as someone you’d meet (or Robbe would meet) and be a little smitten and swept off your feet right away. 

David Bowie is also a good choice for an Even’s musical taste, especially because of Bowie’s sexuality. I guess you could say it’s pretty on the nose, but it still works for me. I don’t know a ton about the origins of Rebel Rebel but it references gender fluidity and sexuality, so it’s feels fitting for an LGBT-centered season.

As a diehard Ronan/Adam shipper (they’re my OTP of OTPs besides Evak) this scene of Sander pushing Robbe on the cart in the store is calculated to appeal to me. Pynch peeps, you know what I’m talking about. /finger guns

As a personal tangent, I also think grocery shopping is one of the best things you can do on a first date to know if you’re compatible with someone. I have been grocery shopping with people who were dull and no fun, and I have been grocery shopping where it’s an adventure in itself. I strongly believe that you can have fun with the right person in even the most mundane situations. 

Back to Robbe/Sander: this part’s really cute! It gives us a sense of who Sander is and it shows them having fun together. They have a comfortable chemistry and I think Robbe’s vibe in this scene hits the right notes of being starstruck and a little over his head, but acclimating to Sander’s OTT personality and being able to relax and have a good time. He’s certainly having more fun than he expected when he woke up this morning. 

The spinning and eventual slow-mo moment to Rebel Rebel! Great! Super effective at catching that feeling of holy shit, sudden butterflies in my stomach? I can’t look away from this person? I think I have a crush?  

Sander scanning Robbe and saying it’s expensive = lmao, genuinely funny.

And I do like the idea of Sander pushing Robbe and it being chaotic and messy as a way to visualize/signify the arrival of him in Robbe’s life as a way to shake it upside down. (Although, lol, I kinda hate them for causing a mess for the retail workers.)

Sander crashes the cart and Robbe into some boxes. After checking to see if Robbe’s OK, Sander plays it cool and walks away whistling. I do love Robbe’s reaction, that we see him trailing Sander and sneaking happy glances at him. Good stuff.

Taken on its own, this is a terrific first meeting, and I can see how this scene would inspire optimism in the season picking up from here. However - and I hate to be a downer because this scene worked for me - it’s the same issue that I’ve said before: we shouldn’t have waited two full episodes for this clip. Though this scene was great and established an easy chemistry, it also wasn’t that personal and didn’t last too long, and now they have to go back and hang with everyone else, so how are they going to continue to bond on their own? They should just go find other errands to do, away from everyone else. 

Clip 4 - Robbe and Sander in the kitchen

Noor is right there in the kitchen with them, but being hungover, is unable to be a third wheel in the way that Emma was to Isak and Even. Amber’s annoyed that they didn’t get anything on the shopping list, Sander shoos her out and says Robbe and he will cook.

Again, this not the same room for intimacy as Evak because they’re not alone! Anyone could walk in at any moment! People were just there! And I think you COULD do something interesting with that, how frustrating it is that everyone else is there, but it doesn’t work so well when it’s like … the first time they meet and they really need that space to get to know each other (considering, for the millionth time, that we are racing to catch up with only just meeting Sander). We really need to either play into the lack of intimacy and adjust the timeline of the relationship accordingly, or they need to manage some extra moments with the two of them to really establish the connection.

They make croques (weren’t bread and cheese on Amber’s list? So they did get something she asked for, heh) and there’s a fair amount of innuendo and suggestion, with the leaning down and leaning toward each other in the tight space. I do really like that and think it’s effective. They notice the chemistry, Sander touches Robbe’s back as he walks by.

More Bowie with Under Pressure. (This would be a really good song choice for Robbe’s POV to illustrate all the shit he’s dealing with.) Sander is very charming, he’s singing and having a good time, he lights up a joint. He opens up a bit about how making croques is a family tradition and asks Robbe if he has any traditions, and Robbe is still withdrawn and doesn’t go into it. Good moment! Robbe’s family is a touchy subject.

Sander licking the joint is quite an Erotique moment for Robbe. I also like that Robbe is clumsy with the croques, seemingly because he’s flustered by Sander’s Sanderness.

I like the Sander actor quite a bit so far. Like I said, he’s super intense and charismatic. He’s also super fucking forward with Robbe, feeding him some croque while they eye fuck, and I’m sorry but that feels way too pointed for this relationship so far The rest of the scene captures the unstated sexual tension but Sander sticking a sandwich in Robbe’s mouth while Robbe stares back is too obvious and feels like they’re trying to sell this really hard in order to make up for lost time, it took me out of the scene. Robbe is tentatively getting more comfortable with Sander, but I don’t buy that he would be that comfortable at this point. It would have been better if they’d stuck to, like, the subtle thrill of sharing a joint (where OMG Sander’s mouth has been?? Yowza).

Britt shows up and she’s Sander’s girlfriend! Oh nooooo!

Except Robbe and Sander met SEVERAL HOURS AGO so this doesn’t really have much of an impact? Isak pining over Even for a week and Googling him and stalking him creates a big buildup both in audience expectations and in Isak’s, whereas Robbe JUST met this dude. We’ve barely had time to form any expectations.

Imagine if you’ve never seen Skam and you’re watching this in real time. You’d be like “Awww, bummer, this guy has a girlfriend, I guess,” rather than “OH SHIT NOOOOOO” because you’ve been following them for a week and watching their conversations and their eye-fucking and getting to know Even through Isak’s eyes. Because you’ve had plenty of time to become attached to this character and because you’ve had time to sink into Isak’s POV and feel his crush on this guy. You feel the stakes of learning that Even has a girlfriend. Robbe learning that Sander is dating Britt is disappointing ... but how disappointing, really? There’s a low level of investment in Sander so far, for both Robbe and for us. I mean, sure, he’s charming, and we’re probably thinking he and Robbe might be cute together, but at most you would have had five hours to get attached at this point. If you look at it one way, this revelation is good because Robbe had only a brief window of time to get his hopes up before learning Sander has a girlfriend, as opposed to Isak who had a full week.

This is where the season’s odd storytelling choices start to fall down. Because there’s a lot about these last few clips that I enjoyed on a micro level. They work as individual scenes. It’s when you think about them on a macro level that the logic and emotional resonance doesn’t hold up. And I think that there are many, many story elements - in wtFOCK and most of the remakes - where a lot of writing only makes sense if you are coming with knowledge of the original show and sort of filling in the blanks here, rather than wtFOCK putting in the work itself.

I also think it’s something of a disappointment because S3 portrayed the experience of developing a crush so beautifully, the desperation to learn more about a person and get close to them, the obsessive focus. wtFOCK is by no means required to do that, but it was such a vulnerable, intimate way to get into Isak’s head that I can’t help but miss the extended crush period for Robbe. We really needed more of his POV.

Robbe decides to cope by getting high. Aha, there’s that Under Pressure for Robbe! 

Actually, it seemed super weird to me that the timestamps had them meeting like 5 hours ago? Because it seemed like they went shopping and went home soon after where Amber inspected the groceries, but apparently there were hours between that, so what were they doing in the meantime? Not anything important, apparently, because we didn’t see it.

Clip 5 - Sad sad Robbe time

The others are playing trivia and Robbe is just social distancing like 10 feet away staring at them while listening to music on his headphones, lmao. Britt has quite the grip on Sander’s neck.

Noor comes over and Robbe asks her about Britt and Sander. Sander studied Visual Arts at I think a different school than Robbe. Imagine how effective this would be if Robbe did this LAST WEEK, like “casually” asked Noor about Sander or something. But of course that would have required the story to be moving forward last week.

Sander stares at Robbe and Noor as they make out. Get back in Robbe’s POV, for fuck’s sake! This isn’t even an impossible moment to have from his POV. Have Robbe and Noor make out, Robbe opens his eyes and spies Sander looking at him, he looks again and Sander has looked away. That creates an element of doubt that will live rent free in Robbe’s head. 

This choice annoys me more and more. Where’s the tension in quite firmly suggesting that actually, Sander is into Robbe right after showing that Sander has a girlfriend? There was soooo much juicy tension squeezed from Isak and the audience not knowing what the fuck was up with Even and Sonja. People forget it now, but as someone who watched OG S3 in real time, there were plenty of viewers who thought Even was just stringing Isak along or doubted the sincerity of his feelings, because the show effectively kept us in Isak’s POV and for many viewers there was room to doubt Even’s intentions. Honestly, we didn’t really get real confirmation of Even’s feeling until episode 9. I just don’t see how it serves the story to a) take us out of our main character’s POV b) to make sure the mysterious love interest is somewhat less mysterious this early.

Clip 6 - Paintball

The squads play a friendly game of paintball, and by that I mean they try to annihilate each other. It’s a little hard for me to tell who’s shooting who since it’s fast and everyone has masks and is dressed in either black or camo, except Aaron in his onesie.

Sander and Robbe end up next to each other. They see Britt on the ground. Sander runs up and shoots Britt several times while she tells him to stop, clearly in pain. Britt yells at him to be normal sometimes and to use his head from time to time. Sander apologizes as Britt runs off.

Robbe and Sander exchange a look like “hmm” and Sander says he thinks they’ve won. He walks off. The music feels … weirdly triumphant?

This scene sits pretty weirdly. I don’t think this clip was pointless, I definitely think it has a point, but … what are they going for here. Thinking about it, I’d say the concept of this scene is good, but the execution feels off. wtFOCK has a real tone problem that becomes apparent later in the season.

I don’t think shooting Britt means Sander is manic, but I DO think part of the intent was to show he’s impulsive/gets carried away/can be OTT. Which is not bad (although there’s some sketchiness abut how this is tied to his mental illness if he’s not manic right now, and about how mentally ill people are dangerous) but it’s his reaction that gets me. Because it’s one thing if he gets carried away and we see him show remorse (which he does, briefly) but then he’s like cracking a joke with Robbe. It would be way more effective if we saw his remorse lingering. Not to mention yeah, he could have hurt Britt! It’s not that Sander has to be flawless, but this is one of our first impressions of him and it’s not great. It might work if you think it’s setting up Sander as something of a dangerous bad boy for Robbe (“you only like bad news” go the lyrics) but I’m not sure how much the show leans into that, especially because Robbe seems happy that they “won” rather than alarmed at what the fuck Sander just did.

But the part that baffles me most is how this matters to Robbe/Sander? Is this supposed to be a cute, flirty moment? A “haha, fuck my girlfriend, I like you instead” moment? Because wow, was it cruel on Sander’s part, and Robbe doesn’t seem that bothered by it. I get that maybe Sander IS supposed to be upset with himself but is brushing it off, but yeah, the offense is just too much for me, when physical harm comes into play. 

IDK, I could get behind the ambiguity of reactions in a scene like this, but there’s something off about the seriousness of what Sander does - which is acknowledged in-clip by Britt’s and Zoë’s reactions - combined with how Robbe and Sander end the clip, as if we ignore those reactions to make it a fun shippy moment. It’s pretty unappealing. We don’t even really see or hear anything about Sander and Britt making up or talking it out, we don’t see any lingering tension between them due to this incident, it’s like this clip was forgotten. Presumably they made up off-screen before the next clip, but in that case, we should have seen Sander run after her to apologize? Where’s the emotional fallout? It doesn’t really stick for Sander, Britt, or Robbe. 

Clip 7 - Bonfire

Robbe is upset with Sander and Britt making out. He goes over to Aaron who is also sitting sadly alone.

Aaron says he doesn’t know how Robbe does it, getting girls, and how he was so chill with Noor in the bathroom. IMO they could’ve ramped up Robbe’s fuckboyness since it didn’t come across that clearly to me, but this is one thing I do like about the potential of Isak and Magnus interaction … the Magnus looking to the Isak for girl advice, making the Isak have to preserve some sort of reputation as a ladies’ man, giving him some cred with his friends that he’s afraid to lose.

Robbe says it’s different because Noor goes to a different school so it wasn’t as bad if she rejected him. But wasn’t she handing out dance performance flyers in the hallway at Robbe’s school? That made me think she was a student there. But IDK how Belgian school works, maybe that’s normal.

Aaron goes over to talk to Amber and makes her a s’more, but Amber walks off because OMG so many calories. Aaron is bummed but Luca takes the s’more and eats it. Uhhh, the obvious buildup here is for Aaron/Luca, wtFOCK writers. She is literally taking and enjoying what Aaron is offering. I sense a connection. 

I’m tickled by Aaron referencing American TV shows when he makes the s’more. His s’more is missing the best part, the cheap melted chocolate, which to be fair would probably have caused Amber to slap him over the calorie count.

This scene is at least from Robbe’s POV as he watches them, thank God.

Clip 8 - Haunted house

The boy squad (who are called the Brrrothers) set up a haunted house. That’s actually a pretty fun scenario. They lock the others in, because teenagers don’t care about fire hazards. But still seems like a great time.

Sander helps the others through the window, what a gentleman.

Aaron and Amber have the cliché “fall down into each other” moment so I suppose that’s the start of their romance. Now she holds his hand. Boo, no Luca/Aaron … at least Aaron/Amber is still better than Basile/Daphne so far.

They climb onto the roof to seek a treasure, which turns out to be alcohol. There’s a rooftop party, people drinking and smoking and having a good time. Robbe and Sander share a Look before Sander and Britt get cozy.

I mean, again … would’ve been better if they hadn’t spoken like. Twice.

Clip 9 - Aaron throws away his shot

Robbe is grumpy on the way back from the haunted house, which he calls Jens and Moyo’s ego trip. I think he’s mostly just sour about Sander and Britt, but also he could be annoyed that he wasn’t involved, although that mainly seems like it would be Robbe’s fault for distancing himself.

Aaron valiantly offers to check the house for murderous ghosts before they go back inside.

See, I KNEW Aaron was going to pull some shit with a practical joke when he went inside, I just didn’t expect him to pretend to get SHOT. The dedication… it’s in very poor taste, though.

Of course it’s a prank, but Amber acts very concerned. You know, this is actually a good way to show how Aaron is immature and keep the Amber/Aaron pairing apart … compared to Basile/Daphne where it was just nonstop sexual harassment, here we see Aaron being sweet and thoughtful with Amber and potentially making progress with her, and then ruining it by being an insensitive teenage dumbass. But he can still grow into more of a mature kid and prove himself to Amber that way.

Aaron seems regretful of it, but Moyo and Jens are like YOU DA MAN. I regret to announce that this boy squad kinda sucks so far.  At least Aaron seems like he might have some character development, judging by his reaction here.

That was nicely done as a way to create conflict with the Aaron/Amber relationship, and establishing some mutual interest before showing where Aaron needs to grow as a person, even if I’m like ... we really got to stick to Robbe’s POV/story, man. 

Clip 10 - Another prank

Moyo and Jens ask Robbe to go get them beers, and it’s a prank and Aaron’s in the freezer so I guess Aaron did not learn anything, never mind. 

Echoing what I said above: I’m absolutely not expecting the boy squad to be perfectly well-behaved rational empathetic adults, and it’s not like this prank is some deeply cruel thing, but there is just. So much. Of the shouting, pranking, casual sexism, crude comments, and general obnoxious behavior. I’m really trying to keep in mind that Isak’s boy squad was also full of the horny gross talk about girls at the beginning, and that it was a necessary part of showing Isak’s alienation from his peers.  Or that by now on OG S3 we had several awesome moments from Isak’s squad that we haven’t reached yet because the season’s paced a few episodes behind. Still. Ugh. Maybe it’s the shouting? I feel like this boy squad is ... shoutier ... than the other boy squads. Making them prankmasters is also not helping. I think you have to walk a careful line between making them realistically flawed straight dudes who alienate Isak with their talk of girls, and making them screaming caricatures who are all “fuck girls get pussy hot chicks sex sex sex.” There’s a lack of warmth and innocence to balance it out. We need some indication soon that these guys are going to be there for Robbe when shit goes down. 

Robbe snaps at them and storms off, and Noor follows him. WOW, it would be good to see ROBBE’S POV of this scene!!!! What happened next!!! 

Nope, the clip ends here!!!!

Clip 11 - Halloween

Everyone’s dressed up and preparing to go to a Halloween party. The girls are cute putting on makeup and chatting about necrophilia. There’s a comment where Luca says a guy sounded like “a begging Romanian” and errrrr, I did a bit of a double take at that. It’s not my culture or language so I don’t want to talk out of my ass, but I thought this was generally considered to be an offensive thing to say (although one that people frequently say anyway due to prejudice). What was the fandom reaction to that line? 

People are dancing at the party. Apparently Jens and Jana are friends with benefits. Lol, at least Jana is not FWB with their P-Chris, that guy sucked.

Amber’s still mad at Aaron, understandably. Moyo cheers up Aaron on his recent romantic failure, which is nice and a much kinder moment than 99% of the material they’ve given Moyo thus far, and they go look for other girls.

I do love all the Halloween makeup. Look at Robbe’s hair!

Zoë checks her phone because I guess Senne drama is gonna happen.

Noor tags a wall with R+N in a heart, oh dear.

Robbe stares sadly at Sander and Britt dancing. Noor tries to get him to dance because the song is great, Robbe says he’s more of a Bowie fan and namedrops Changes. OK lmao, again, this doesn’t work so well that Robbe has suddenly become a Bowie expert when he’s been at the seaside the whole time. I know it’s silly when Isak starts acting like a Nas expert, but there was enough time for him to look up Nas between when Even mentioned him and when he talked to Emma about him to gain some basic knowledge of Nas. I guess Robbe could’ve been looking up Bowie in the last few days when he’s brooding alone, but lol, he’s also been kinda busy. Or Robbe is just bullshitting about Bowie, but the fact he was able to name a Bowie song when he couldn’t earlier in the episode suggests that he did look into Bowie. 

Now there’s the Call Your Girlfriend moment where Robbe makes out with Noor while staring at Sander, then Sander stares back, eyefuck, blah blah.

I gotta say. I’ve seen various takes on Call Your Girlfriend scene by now. And what I notice - at least from my recollection - is that the remakes tend to focus more on the actual eyefucking. Because the OG scene doesn’t actually have Isak and Even staring at each other, going back and forth, for a while. Most of that scene is about Isak’s longing. Isak dances with Emma, looks at Even with Sonja. He kisses Emma, looks at Even kissing Sonja. It’s about Isak wanting Even but instead being with a girl. When Even looks back it’s not this long, extended thing! Because it’s not really about the eyefucking. It’s just confirmation, for both Isak and for us, that we are not imagining this chemistry between them. It’s a shot of hope that Even also wants Isak despite mixed signals. That even though Even is passionately kissing his girlfriend, he’s thinking about Isak. And then Isak closes his eyes - he doesn’t eyefuck Even through three verses and the bridge, he closes his eyes - and we don’t need to be told to realize he’s imagining he’s kissing Even instead. 

First of all, the most effective part of the CYG scene is the timing. The song is perfectly timed and Isak’s reactions are perfectly edited to make us feel that frustration and longing that Isak does. It’s a way more vulnerable scene that most of the remakes seem to realize. Most of the scene is Isak looking without that look being reciprocated. And Even’s returned look comes just as we’re losing our minds (plus it matches the on-the-nose lyrics, lol). The endless eyefucking in the remakes isn’t that special or interesting in terms of delivery. 

Second, here’s the thing: I think we forget, since we know that Evak are endgame, that at this stage during S3′s real-time run, it wasn’t certain that they were endgame. In fact, many people weren’t even sure Even liked Isak back! I was lucky enough to jump into Skam right before the first kiss, and there was so much doubt, it was crazy. Even and Isak shared an awesome afternoon together, but Even brought his girlfriend to this party, he’s still dating her. Isak is doubting whether this thing can go anywhere with them, if Even even is interested in him like that. And Even looking at him during CYG IS the confirmation that Even’s into him. It’s the confirmation for the audience that we didn’t imagine Even’s attraction to Isak. Whereas in wtFOCK, Sander is like openly staring at Robbe when Robbe isn’t watching, and the show breaks Robbe’s POV to make sure we know this. Sander is feeding him croques by hand while they lock eyes. He’s being much flirtier and the show is not hiding his interest. wtFOCK introduced Britt as an obstacle to this potential relationship, but does she really feel like one when Sander has been communicating his interest all along? Is there any doubt he likes Robbe? Not to mention Sander was just introduced this episode, and there simply isn’t the buildup, the time to weigh in and question his motives, the investment in whether he likes Robbe or not. So the tremendous release of tension in this scene is just not the same, because the tension isn’t there to begin with. 

The OG Call Your Girlfriend clip is not about two guys who are hot for each other challenging each other to look away. The clip is about vulnerability and longing, and that vibe has been missing from sooooo many of the adaptations. Like anything in the remakes, change is not inherently bad. Change can provide for some interesting and thoughtful material. But I don’t think the remakes always realized when they’re making a change. On the surface a scene will be similar to OG, but the emotional buildup, the timing, the tension, the symbolism, etc. will be very different, and if you’re not aware of how even the littlest change can alter the meaning of a scene, then the scene can fall flat.

Clip 12 - End of trip

Everyone’s packing up to go home, Amber calls out the boys for sitting there and not cleaning (she’s right!)

Robbe helps Sander with the empty bottles. Sander asks about Robbe and Noor if they’re doing well. Robbe says yeah and then asks about Sander and Britt, Sander says it’s been “ups and downs” with mostly downs lately. Ups and downs could also refer to bipolarity, though I don’t know if I’d jump to Sander having “mostly downs” mentally just yet.

Sander says he seems to get on her nerves lately, and they’ve been together for half a year. Okay sooooo … they’re way less serious than Even and Sonja, and Sander has much less to lose by breaking up with her. I mean. Do they not see where, emotionally, this removes a lot of Even’s conflict in OG, and presumably much of Sander’s conflict in this version? It mattered that Sonja had been with Even for years. It mattered that he was used to her taking charge. It mattered that they’d sunk so much time into this relationship and survived such rough patches. Unless there was a really really drastic event in Sander’s life like right when he and Britt got together, that she was instrumental in helping him face, it seriously cannot compare to what Even and Sonja went through. He asks Robbe what he would do, stay or go.

He reaches around Robbe, getting sorta touchy feely, Robbe steps away. 

Sander says maybe he (Sander) is scared he’ll never find someone, someone who’ll love him. Tension between him and Robbe as they consider each other. This insight is good to understand Sander, at least.

Robbe says he thinks Sander will find someone like that, Sander asks where, Robbe says he should meet new people, Sander says “on a weekend trip with strangers?” Robbe is like “...yes.” (Did you get to know each other? Did you really?)

They lean in for a kiss, but then Luca shows up to take out the trash so the moment is ruined, Sander walks off.

SIIIIIIGH this could have been a good scene if they like … developed this relationship or didn’t pace this story so weirdly. On top of the rushed Sander/Robbe development, the buildup to this scene on its own is odd. In OG, the kitchen almost-kiss happens right after the Call Your Girlfriend moment where they lock eyes, after Even stares at Isak across the room. There is palpable tension in the kitchen because they’re basically riding a high together. This is like the morning after their version of the CYG, which should have been an “aha! he likes me back!” moment for Robbe, but instead the momentum and sexual tension just kind of paused and consequently this scene almost feels random, like I felt the contrivances to put them in the same situation as Isak and Even here. (Think about it: Was there a reason this scene had to be the next morning instead of later that night? What happened after that eyefucking clip, did Robbe and Sander just go about their night like NBD?) The CYG clip and following kitchen scene felt like a clear example of cause and effect; the wtFOCK equivalents felt more like they were hitting arbitrary points in the OG rather than feeling fitting to its story.

I just realized we got like NO insight into Robbe’s sexuality crisis this episode, either, the way we did with Isak in episode 3. And maybe we’ll get some of it in the future, but I do think it weakens the story not to have any of that at this juncture. We’re three out of 10 episodes and we’ve barely scratched the surface of our protagonist’s main conflict this season, which is about his sexuality.

HOW I WOULD REWRITE THE EPISODE:

Introduce Sander sooner, for fuck’s sake.

Okay, that ship has sailed, moving on. Have the grocery scene go on longer, or rather, have them go somewhere after the supermarket, like they decide to take a detour to a park or something and go hang out and talk, to the point where Amber starts texting them like “Where the fuck is the food?” Show Robbe unwinding just a little, talking about his own interests, his own taste in music. It’s understandable that he might not open up about the deep’n’heavy stuff yet, but perhaps in either this scene or another one later this week, Sander asks him a family-related question and Robbe doesn’t answer with his whole sad backstory, but he gives a little, maybe has a fond memory of his mom, a tradition they had when he was younger. We see this little happy/sad moment and it’s like something about Sander compels him to open up and we get the complexity of his relationship with his mom, that it’s not all good or bad.

Instead of Sander shooting Britt excessively in the paintball scene, have him and Robbe team up and strategize for a while. We see they work well together, oho. They’re having a lot of fun. And maybe Sander DOES shoot Britt but it’s not this prolonged close-range thing, it’s just him being caught up in the moment as he and Robbe work together. He shoots her (again, it’s a little OTT and enough to make her upset but not quite as bad as in the filmed scene) and she runs off and we see him have an “oh” moment. Oh right, I got caught up being with this guy I like and forgot I have a girlfriend. He feels seriously remorseful and runs after Britt. And maybe when Sander shoots Britt, Robbe has a moment of “!!!”, maybe Sander likes him Like That after all! But then Sander runs after Britt and they kiss and make up because it’s just a paintball game, after all, and Robbe is like, oh, right. It’s just paintball.

This episode really convinces me how vital episode 2 is, even before Mekke øl, in establishing both Even as a character and the Isak/Even dynamic. We get why Isak likes him even before they speak again. It’s so beautiful and honest, with Isak checking out Even’s video, searching for him on social media, that desperation … and then how much R+J hits Isak in the feels. The equivalent would be if Robbe was listening to David Bowie on his earbuds and having a big moment. So er, why didn’t they just ... do that? Robbe is sitting alone listening to David Bowie and watching Sander and Britt be cuddly, and there’s this feeling of longing and being close to Sander via the music while at the same time being so far away. It might be too obvious and faithful to OG, but it would also, you know. Probably be effective. It is also set-up for Robbe talking about how he’s a Bowie fan to Noor.

Have Sander talk to Robbe after Robbe flips out on his friends after the prank! Maybe Sander calms him down by doing a weird Sander thing! Maybe Robbe confides a bit about his shitty home situation or his crappy friends so he and Sander connect on a deeper level! But the prank clip ended immediately after Robbe stormed off, and for some reason the show was like nah, it’s not important after that, even though it was a prime opportunity for good, insightful content into Robbe’s head, or a way to let Robbe and Sander bond some more. 

If they cannot talk directly, how about some indirect moments where they connect, other than paintball? We get some stares at each other but those could be structured to show off more of a connection. Their eyes meet when something funny happens. Robbe or Sander are Jim Halperting at each other when Aaron or Amber says something ridiculous, like can you believe this shit? Everyone’s sitting around listening to music and Sander goes and puts on a Bowie song and Robbe smiles to himself.

(Not that they needed to do movie references in this version, but they should have totally gone with Labyrinth references for Robbe/Sander, just saying. I’m not even sure how it would work thematically, I just think it’d be delightful.)

(OR VELVET GOLDMINE, aka “Todd Haynes wrote and filmed David Bowie/Iggy Pop fanfiction where Ewan McGregor and Christian Bale fuck on a rooftop.” God I love that movie.)

In the haunted house, have Robbe and Sander like ...touch, accidentally, or grab each other out of fear, or do one of those cliché “we find ourselves close together, breathing hard and staring at each other” moments. I don’t care! Just give us stuff to work with! Like there even IS a split second moment where Robbe is climbing out of the window and Sander offers him a hand, it’s just not played for any drama or tension or emotional reaction - I mean, wtFOCK are you doing, wtFOCK writers? 

There is a glaring flaw with this episode, in that there were SO many opportunities to actually have Robbe and Sander interact throughout the episode, and yet overall the potential was totally wasted.

Consider that Isak and Even went to the same school, but they were in different years and didn’t share any classes. So when, for example, Isak hangs out with Even in Mekke øl, I can easily buy that Isak doesn’t see him again until Even returns the snapback. Or that he doesn’t see Even after the snapback scene until the neon party. Therefore, I feel like I’m seeing all the essential moments of Isak’s interaction with Even, I am getting the “full story” with Evak and sufficient evidence to try to piece together what Even’s deal is. 

Robbe and Sander were living under the same roof for days. This is a drastic departure from the original. Realistically speaking, there would have been so, so many more opportunities for interaction, or moments where we could’ve gained insight into that developing attraction. Sander and Britt would’ve been sleeping in the same bed at times, right? How did Robbe react to that? Could we have seen his jealousy? Was there ever a time when Robbe was coming out of the bathroom and he bumped into Sander and it was awkward? Or when someone else left a room and Robbe found himself alone with Sander, and he didn’t know what to say? Did Robbe try to avoid Sander the entire time? Did he try to talk to him but Noor or Britt walked in? Did Sander try to talk to Robbe? Was there any interaction between them besides what we were shown on screen? Did Robbe get up and sit on the beach listening to music and Sander joined him and they shared headphones? Did Robbe go outside one night just to get away from Noor in his bed and Sander was also sitting on the porch and they shared a joint and talked about stuff? Eh? Ehhh???

The problem is that I don’t believe that we were shown the “full story” of Robbe and Sander this week. I can’t believe that because, logically speaking, there would have been way, way more interactions between them even if they were actively trying to avoid each other. For whatever reason, wtFOCK decided to have Robbe and Sander meet at the seaside and spend a week in the same house. Okay. But despite the opportunities that scenario provided to really catch up and develop the hell out of the Robbe/Sander relationship after a delayed start, the show just didn’t do that. And I do feel cheated, not just because it’s rushed and lazy, but because it doesn’t even make sense. Obviously wtFOCK cannot film every minute they were around each other, but it sure as hell could’ve given us more substantial content than it did. 

Even if you want to emphasize how they can’t really be alone with each other because they’re with almost 10 other people including their girlfriends ... fucking run with that, man. Milk it for all it’s worth. Make us feel how frustrating it is that they’re not alone, that Robbe is paranoid about getting too close to Sander in case everyone can tell he’s got a crush. Or show them in a scene with other characters, but they’re interacting in an indirect way that makes it seem like they’re the only two people in the room. Their first clip and the almost kiss at the end of the episode is the only time when I really felt that tension at all, and I use “tension” loosely in the case of the almost kiss.

We also have little information this season on Robbe’s specific sexuality crisis, and that’s also hurting the narrative. I’m aware that the next episode dives into some of the clips that OG Skam got to in its episode 3, so I don’t want to harp on it too much now ... but I do have some basic questions, such as: where is Robbe at with his sexuality right now?

We have gotten very little introspection on him thinking about being gay, or what it means to be gay. We did not have the big crush fixation on Sander that Isak got on Even: Googling him, looking him up on social media, trying to find out everything about him. We did not have Robbe taking gay tests online. Yet he goes from meeting Sander to trying to kiss him within days.

And I think the lack of sexuality crisis further diminishes the already weak tension of the episode. If Robbe was more strongly dealing with his sexuality, then I would be able to accept him falling for Sander so fast and so hard a bit more easily, to the point of almost kissing him, even if their emotional connection wasn’t really established. But he hasn’t been given the space to do that. He hasn’t been given the space to even think about being gay or what that means. So he’s supposedly going from internalized homophobia to almost kissing Sander, with none of the introspection shown on screen. Why? What is running through his head?

So obviously, in rewriting the episode, let’s set up some actual sexuality conflict with Robbe. Maybe he’s trying to look up gay stuff online while he’s locked himself in the bathroom or when everyone else is asleep at night, or he’s trying but unfortunately he’s paranoid people are looking over his shoulder, or the boy squad grabs his phone as a prank and he’s terrified they’ll see that he was searching “how to know if you’re gay.” Maybe other people start talking about a sexuality-related topic, a gay celebrity, something like that, and Robbe’s reaction matters - like he makes an ignorant comment and someone schools him, or he makes a downright offensive comment and someone chews him out. Someone makes a gay joke and we see how it makes Robbe squirm. Someone makes a gay joke and then gets called out on it and we see how it makes the wheels turn in Robbe’s head.  Have Amber or Noor or whoever make a boneheaded comment about gay people and Sander schools them so we see Robbe get a HMMM moment. HMMM, does Sander like dudes? HMMM, maybe I should reconsider my opinions on gay people? I don’t know, man! Literally! Anything! 

Maybe have his advice to Aaron be more obviously bad? More fuckboyish? We see him overcompensating for his sudden Sander feelings by doling out some uber-heterosexual manly man advice to Aaron about how to impress a girl. Aaron is like, are you sure that’s a good idea? Robbe is like, pffft, obviously, what, are you gay? Are you too gay to make a move on Amber? Show her what’s what. This leads Aaron to do something very stupid and insulting and sexist with Amber, which leads to Amber getting mad at Aaron and Aaron getting mad at Robbe for Robbe’s dumbass advice. Maybe Jens and Moyo jump in because God knows we need some good moments from them, and they’re like, seriously, Robbe? Why did you think that was a good idea? Robbe gets mad and storms off. 

To some degree I’m like … well, what IS Robbe’s problem with Sander dating Britt, really? He met this hot and cool guy, but a few hours later learned the hot guy had a girlfriend. It sucks, but what is pulling him in so hard and so fast other than Sander being so hot? It’s a disappointment, but is it this truly devastating thing? He doesn’t know much about Sander, they’ve had so much less of a connection than Isak and Even. They had one fun morning, basically. It’s true that crushes aren’t rational and that a teenager can fall for someone based on crumbs and hotness, I fully realize you can’t turn off your romantic feelings like a faucet. But the show didn’t put in the work of making me believe in the strength of those romantic feelings in the first place. The fact that it is realistic for teenagers to have shallow crushes does not mean that I have to accept weak writing to fill in the blanks for this romantic connection that is supposed to be a powerful love story. Actually, let me bold that and rewrite it as a general rule: The fact that something can be realistic does not mean we have to fill in the blanks in order to make up for weak, lazy writing. 

I know that Isak and Even didn’t have a TON of interaction before episode 3, but they definitely had more, and Isak had time to research Even and develop a crush him based on what he found: he learned a bit about Even’s hobbies and interests, he was touched by a piece of art that Even loved. They bonded, they BOTH opened up - we saw Isak melt a little and banter whereas Robbe hasn’t really loosened up with Sander, except running around the grocery store (oh, and letting him stick a croque in his mouth, I guess). In the kitchen scene after getting groceries, for example, Robbe basically says nothing noteworthy, nothing to give either us or Sander a better understanding of him, or an appreciation of his sense of humor. There’s no real banter. If you watch the Robbe/Sander scenes, it seems like Sander dominates them, and that’s great for learning about Sander as a character, not so much for feeling like they’re mutually connecting. And if they want to portray Robbe as shy or awkward around Sander, I get it. But I don’t get where the emotional connection comes in, and frankly I don’t feel like I know much about Robbe as a person. 

So here’s my suggestion: Don’t do the almost kiss.

I know, I know, it’s a Skam S3 staple. But wtFOCK has really not earned this moment. We’re not in dire need of confirmation that Sander likes Robbe because wtFOCK is making it obvious. The tension is not developed enough to merit an almost kiss, Robbe’s sexuality journey is not far along to make it super believable. If they’re kissing next week for real, just let that happen without the episode 3 interrupted kiss. 

If you do want an almost kiss, maybe one or both of them is a little drunk? Or a lot drunk. Like, noticeably tipsy. Their inhibitions are lowered. I could buy that, especially if Robbe has a morning after freakout. oh god i was drunk and about to throw myself at sander!!!!! OR hahaha we were pretty drunk so it didn’t mean anything ... unless...? So long as there’s some effect on Robbe.

Because it’s a Skam remake, we probably do need a big end-of-episode clip, though. A turning point. Personally, I would be fine with just some smoldering unresolved sexual tension that doesn’t go as far as an attempted kiss. (I mentioned above that I am a diehard shipper of Ronan/Adam from The Raven Cycle and let me tell you, you do not need an almost kiss to get across the sexual tension. Once upon a time I wrote a draft of a post charting their relationship development through all their intense stares.) Perhaps Sander and Britt start fighting, Sander walks off, Robbe finds him or maybe he finds Robbe and they’re like, sitting together on the beach, and they have this personal and possibly subtext-laden conversation, or maybe this is when Robbe finally opens up about something personal (like he mentions when his parents used to fight, IDK). They don’t touch. Or maybe their knees brush. They stay perfectly still and don’t lean in. But they look at each other and don’t look away until someone calls for them or comes to collect them, and that’s how the moment is ruined and the spell is broken. That would be enough for me.

Maybe we could end on a non-dramatic note and Robbe and Sander end up sharing earbuds and listening to a David Bowie song. Or a song by someone that Robbe likes and wants to share with Sander, IDK. We leave them staring at the beach and trading surreptitious glances and catching feelings. A real butterflies in the stomach scene.

This also would have been a great episode to hint at Sander’s mental illness. You could show Britt hovering and telling him not to drink or smoke, you could have Robbe walking in as Sander is taking his medication (but obviously he doesn’t know what type of meds they are yet). You could have the suggested ending fight between Britt and Sander contain veiled references to his mental illness because Britt thinks that Sander was skipping his meds or he was doing something that she thought was a red flag. Robbe overhears them arguing but again, he doesn’t realize the real context. 

I felt like Noor was kind of in the background for this episode, and look, I thought she was overused in the first two episodes, but in this one, her presence would have been more useful for Robbe’s storyline, such as having her interrupt a Robbe/Sander moment, or showing us that she’s growing frustrated with Robbe’s lack of attention to her. 

Stay in Robbe’s POV, I beg you. Do this one simple thing. It’s OK to give random scenes outside his POV from time to time (like the girls doing their Halloween makeup) but anything relevant to his arc should be from his eyes only, and anything not relevant to his arc needs to be managed carefully so it doesn’t suck up too much screen time from his story.

I’ve been looking at the social media that was posted for this season, but I don’t really have a ton to say about it. wtFOCK seems pretty active with the characters’ Instagram accounts, so I commend them for that. So far the text messages don’t seem to be adding a ton to Robbe’s story - I specify Robbe’s story because a lot of them are not even texts that involve him, lmao. Like there’s a text between Zoë and Senne that effectively sets up trouble in that relationship, and it’s way more enlightening than texts that actually involve Robbe.

I think there’s legit potential with this cast. I like all the girls, I think Sander’s actor has some good onscreen presence… even though I don’t care for how the boys are written, I think they have potential. It’s just frustrating when you see the potential being squandered even more than if there were little potential to start. 

Just to add, like I said above, this isn’t my culture or language, and I know that I’m missing context. Let me know if there’s anything I didn’t get on account of not being a teenager in Belgium.

[evakuality]

Can you clarify why you said those things about Even? Expand on this please!

Can I expand on my absolute adoration for all things Even and indulge in some serious nostalgia?  Yes, yes I can, anon.  For reference, we are discussing this little moment of emotional overload.

First, I said Even is a variety of things: soft and sweet, a ‘cool’ guy, who is also kind and caring and unashamed of being a dork and embracing the cringy things he likes.  So the first thing I should probably do is address those.

Well, I mean where do we begin?  (sorry if this is stuff I already said before; I know I’ve waxed lyrical about Even before so this is probably repeats).  Even is usually unfailingly decent to everyone, he genuinely loves being around people and making them laugh and feel at ease.  I mean, the obvious one is Isak and the way Even is with him.  How he seems to intuitively know what Isak needs and gives it to him.  He’s so kind with it, letting Isak set the pace and parameters of what they do and when they do it.  When he’s going into a manic state, he shows exactly what the core of him is and cares enough to accept without even a hint of a murmur that Isak is uncomfortable kissing in public.  He’s ready to share his love with the entire world, bubbling over with this exuberant energy and yet despite that big romantic shout out (the ‘epic’ love story he loves so much) being where his heart is he still respects Isak and accepts the boundaries he sets.  And he does it immediately and with kindness and care.

There’s the way he’s willing to lie with Isak wrapped up in his arms, cuddling for basically as long as Isak wants to.  Isak, who’s never really had any softness to him, just melts when he’s in this situation because Even makes it safe for him to do so.  I mean, obviously Even gets something out of this as well.  When we see him with Sonja it tends to be kissing and making out rather than cuddling and intimacy and Even’s probably soaking that up as well.  But the important thing is that Even makes Isak feel safe, and he does it by being so gentle and kind.  

There’s the way he calms Isak down after their run in with the homophobe on the street, knows how to settle Isak with just a few words and touches.  His own feelings have been affected, and you can clearly see his own shock and the way it affects him before he springs into action and yet the one who matters to him is Isak and Isak’s comfort on his birthday.  His focus and attention is outside himself, and while this is the most obvious with Isak he’s not the only one we see Even doing this with.

And there are of course times when he pokes fun at Isak, but the way he does it is so gentle that it’s clear there’s no malicious intent.  ‘Blah blah blah good story’, the teasing about Nas, ‘you’re so young’ etc etc are all moments where Even is gently ribbing Isak and what he’s said or done, but he also laughs at himself, and makes it clear he’s laughing with Isak rather than at him.  For Isak this is probably a revelation, because while he and his friends are also inveterate teasers, they tend to do it in a much more biting or cutting way.  Think about the way they are with Magnus (who tbh sometimes deserves the roastings he gets), and then compare the way Even teases.  There’s no bite to it and it’s never about anything that really would hurt unlike some of the things the boys say to each other.

Speaking of Magnus, there’s the way Even takes his crisis of confidence seriously, picking up exactly what he needs to be able to pursue Vilde.  The boys are trying to coach him how to be like them, acting indifferent, being less desperate, trying to done him down.  Even, instead, sees Magnus as he is and gives him the recognition he needs that he can be himself, be ‘desperate’ and still be okay.  I guess that’s something I left out of what I said - that Even is perceptive and sees what people need and what he can do to set them at ease, and he cares enough to use it.

So that’s already a looong list of the things he does that show his sweet, soft, caring and kind side, and I could go on and on citing other examples of how he does this.  But there are the other sides to him as well.  The fact is that he’s introduced as the ‘cool’ godlike figure into Isak’s life (and tbh Isak never really loses this impression of him, which is really sweet in its own right).  And the thing is, this isn’t actually a veneer (as much as Even seems to play up to it a bit to attract Isak once he realises this will work).  Even really is effortlessly cool.  There’s an aura about him in the way he is at school and the way people react to him.  The first impression he gives off is of coolness even before he consciously starts to deploy it.

Noora and Eskild are both charmed by him easily when they meet him, the kids at school talk about him in a way that suggests that he’s been noticed in a good way.  Of course, any newcomer into a school is going to attract attention, but it can’t be denied that the type of attention he garners is generally positive and the fact that it has filtered to other years means he’s making a splash of some sort.  Think about the way Vilde talks about ‘Even in third year’ in texts to Isak (I think it’s Vilde - someone does anyway) and you get the picture.  His name is one that’s supposed to be recognised and generally not in a negative or judging way (there is some of that as well but it’s not the entirety of how they see him).

And then we have how he’s a dork and embraces the cringey stuff he enjoys.  He’s never apologetic at all about what he likes and what interests him.  From the ‘epic’ love story he creates for his film project, his unashamed claim of Baz Luhrmann as his favourite director amid Mikael’s roasting about it, to his sheer joy in Gabrielle despite Isak trying to make it seem like it’s not cool, Even is never one to back down from his passions even if someone else thinks they’re a bit cringy.  He tells tall stories to make others laugh, he encourages people to be true to themselves because he is true to himself.  

He refuses to be shamed for who he is.  He dances and sings with joy and abandon, he spreads his arms wide and does things with his entire being.  He’s not tied down into being any one definition of what ‘a man’ should look like.  He doesn’t care to be ‘cool’ except in so much as it attracts Isak and is what he uses to facilitate that, and even then he lets that guard down almost as soon as he can because he’d rather show himself to Isak as he is (though with the caveat that he hides his bipolar diagnosis).

And the thing is that Even is exactly the guy Isak needed to push him into loving himself.  It took someone who loves himself (though again with that caveat about the bipolar stuff) to help Isak see that he can also see the ‘cringy’ bits of who he is and let them shine out.  That he can be gay and like rap and hiphop music, that he can be a ‘bro’ but also soft and caring.  That he doesn’t have to be a flamboyant guy to be gay, that he can just love Even and that can be part of who he is and he doesn’t have to change to do that.  

Even’s example is so powerful because (as I’ve said before) Isak has very few models of what ‘a man’ looks like.  He has fairly rigid ideas of what gay guys are like, he has very set ideas of what he should be like to fit in with his friends, and they aren’t compatible with seeing himself as gay.  So it takes someone like Even who’s such a great mix of all this stuff - cool, manly, sweet, gentle, kind, caring, dorky - to show isak that there’s more to life than the roles he’s seen to date.  He was unlikely to be able to be true to himself with an Eskild, and he was equally unlikely to be able to be himself with someone like Jonas or the other guys.  They all have great nuances as well of course, but in terms of masculinity Isak sees things in a pretty black and white way - gay is flamboyant, straight is bro-ish. He genuinely needed someone like Even, filled with so many glorious shades of grey, to recognise the varied parts of himself and be able to flourish properly. 

[ayellowcurtain]

miss Evak like HELL. May you pleaaase, pleaaase write something about em? (enemies to lovers or rivals or anything a n y t h i n g) 

So it’s been a few days since Isak started feeling bad, he thinks he’s got the flu or something. And sick Isak doesn’t really function. At all. So he’s been just laying around in their bed, they moved to this new flat about two or three months ago. It’s still small, but not as small as the first one, they could even fit a bigger bed in this bedroom. There’s a small bathroom inside too where Isak drags himself every few hours to go pee or wash his face. He might have a fever, but he doesn’t know where the thermometer is or even if they have one. 

“Isak?” Even closes the door behind himself and Isak smiles against his pillow, kind of shrinking himself inside his hoodie, still feeling giddly and warm everytime he hears that deep, soothing voice that feels more like a home than anything or anywhere else.

He hears as Even drops his keys on their table absently, doing the same with his jacket and boots, leaving under a chair as he walks to their bedroom. 

“There you are...” Isak moves to lie on his back, watching as Even raises his eyebrows and shows the little container on his left hand. “I brought you some soup I made myself at the restaurant.” 

Isak smiles and raises his eyebrows too, still laying down, hoping Even will come closer. 

“Oh, so you’re a cook now?” Even laughs and Isak lifts his arms, quietly asking his boyfriend to come closer. He obeys and sits right next to Isak, putting his hand on his chest, still warm from holding the soup. 

“How are you feeling, baby?” He puts the brown container of the restaurant he works at next to their bed, on the nightstand. 

“Better now that you’re back...” 

Even looks different from years ago, but not too different. His hair is still basically the same, he just doesn’t do anything to it in the morning, using his extra time to stay in bed with Isak. He still looks a rockstar in Isak’s eyes. Isak’s hair is shorter, but not too short, mostly around his ears and the back of his neck. And sometimes he lets his bear grow for a few weeks, too lazily to shave every morning before going to college.

“How was work?” Isak asks when Even gets distracted staring at him like he’s some of his cheesy movies that he loves to watch over and over again. 

“Good, but was worried about you.” Even gently touches his stomach under his hoodie and his hand suddenly feels cold against Isak’s burning hot skin. He moves closer and Isak covers his own mouth with his hand. Even frowns and smiles, kissing the back of Isak’s hand. 

“What?” 

“I’m sick! No, Even! If we kiss you’ll get sick too.” He hears how muffled and dumb he sounds, but it doesn’t matter. Even keeps staring at him and he smiles wider. 

“I rather be sick than not kiss you, Isak.” Even answers in his matter-of-factly way, squeezing Isak’s side. 

“Don’t be dumb. Am I eating this soup cold?” 

“Yeah, if you don’t get up to get a spoon. I didn’t get you one.” Even raises his eyebrows and Isak wants rolls his eyes, taking his hand off of his mouth. 

“Such an asshole...” He whines and grumply pushes their blankets aside, sitting up and Even presses their lips together, keeping Isak close, brushing his nose against Isak’s. 

“Now we might even share the soup, preventing me from getting as sick as you.” 

Isak should complain, keep his pattern, but it’s hard when Even is this close, so caring. 

“Tomorrow is your day off, right? Please say yes, that you’re staying home tomorrow...I might need a nurse.” Isak snuggles closer, unzipping Even’s sweatshirt so he can put his hands inside, hugging him with his legs around his waist too. Even puts his hand up, pushing Isak’ hair away from his eyes, always so gentle. 

“Tomorrow is my day off, but I would rather if we could stay in bed, together. Maybe less clothes, you feel too warm, might have a fever.” His hand comes a little lower, resting against Isak’s sweaty forehead. “Definitely a fever. You might need a cold bath in the morning so I’ll go in with you to help you clean...” 

He wiggles his eyebrows and Isak bites the inside of his cheek, nuzzling against Even’s neck, feeling his other hand up and down his back, soothing him. 

“I’ll get you a spoon and we’ll share.” 

“Okay...just give me a minute.” And Isak hugs Even even tighter, coming to sit on his lap. 

[dutten-does-the-fanfic]

I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great) ch. 11

Title:  I Want You Here With Me (Is It Too Much to Ask for Something Great) ch. 11 of 14 (ch. 1)   Pairing: Isak Valtersen/Even Bech Næsheim   Word count: 13.226   Warnings: Language, internalized homophobia, closeting, using alcohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism

AO3

Summary:  The one where it’s been two years since Isak last saw or spoke with Even, and no one knows that Isak ever knew Even at all

Present

Isak wakes up facing Even.

It’s stupidly early, his sleep schedule too messed up from Even’s irregular hours of when he’s awake or not. Right now, Even’s still asleep, which means Isak’s met with the sight of lips slightly parted, soft sounds with each breath escaping his mouth, face completely relaxed for the first time since he showed up at the front door.

Even’s still just as beautiful as he’s always been, as he was the last time Isak shared a bed with him.

And it fucking hurts.

Isak’s heart hurts, all of him hurts. He’s so tired, and it just makes it worse that he hasn’t felt this refreshed in years from a night’s worth of good sleep just because he got to sleep next to Even.

Sleeping next to Even isn’t something he gets to have, not anymore. This was a onetime thing, never to be done again. A couple more days and Even won’t even be around anymore, he’ll have to go and face the music and so will Isak – in a different way, yes, but he can’t keep hiding away in this apartment.

Neither of them can keep hiding.

Isak looks at Even. His heart hurts looking at him, but he can’t look away. And he can’t stand to keep looking, because it hurts.

For all the times that he and Even had talked about infinity, this right here, Even being here is very much finite. Isak doesn’t get to have this anymore, doesn’t get to wake up to Even in the morning, doesn’t get to kiss him, doesn’t get Even.

Isak will end up doing something stupid if he stays here underneath the covers, looking at Even. He doesn’t know what, but he can feel whatever it is, he’ll regret it, so he forces his body into moving, forces himself to get up and get out.

The air feels icy compared to the warmth of the bed, but Isak knows it’s his head playing tricks on him, so he doesn’t flinch when his bare feet touch the floor or when he shivers or when he just wants to fucking stop. He gets up and walks to the door, and he closes it softly behind him to not wake up anyone else.

He doesn’t breathe until the door slots in place and Isak is left all by himself in the empty hallway of his apartment.

Isak is used to being alone – bar the couple of years where his ‘alone-time’ had been spent with Even, the fifteen years before Even and the two years after Isak has spent the majority of time by himself.

Isak by himself isn’t always the best.

It had been easy when he hadn’t had any friends, when the only people consistently around him were his parents, and even they weren’t all that consistent, but once he’d gotten past Even and past the months of complete self-destruction and recklessness and complete disregard of his own being and Isak had gotten his head out of his ass and recognized the good thing that was Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus for what it was, the self-isolating tendencies had been less of a choice and more of a necessity out of fear.

Slipping up is easy to do, and it only takes one mistake before you’re fucked, and so Isak had tried to make friends, but he’d been all too aware of how for every time he was hanging out with any of the boys, he was hiding himself away and only showing the parts he thought he’d be accepted for having.

And the times he was alone was spent hating himself – for hiding at all, but also having something to hide for.

Isak shuffles into the kitchen, eyes on his feet paying meticulous attention to each movement he makes, each step forward until the stinging in his eyes go away enough that he doesn’t think he’ll start to cry.

He feels dizzy. His body is still too shaken from being so close to what he used to have, to what he does not have anymore and will not have. Telling himself that only makes it worse, though, makes him feel more wrong, wrong, wrong, until Isak has to grab onto one of the kitchen chairs and sink down, holding his head in his hands.

Stop, he tells his body, his brain, any part of him that will hopefully listen. Stop, stop, stop!

It doesn’t stop. Isak forces himself to sit up straight, draw in a shaky breath and then let it out after holding it for a few seconds. It’s not as easy to do when he doesn’t have Magnus there to guide him through it, but Isak will be damned if he lets anyone see him like this right now, not again.

Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus had all been walking on eggshells around him for days after the last time this had happened, but the last time it happened he’d had a reason for being so shaken up, having had all those reporters up in his face and shouting at him, hoping to get a story, something to sell.

How the hell is he supposed to tell them that this time he can’t fucking breathe because he’s a goddamn idiot who is in fucking love with ex-husband? His ex-husband who will be leaving him in a few days’ time?

God, Isak draws in another shaky breath, squeezes his eyes shut to keep from crying, then opens them again to prove to himself he’s stronger than that and lets out the air in his lungs calmly. A fucking idiot, that’s what he is. So, so stupid.

“Morning,” Jonas interrupts his train of thought. Isak doesn’t even have the energy to be startled. “You’re up early. Everything alright?”

No. “Yeah.”

Jonas doesn’t say anything, doesn’t nod to acknowledge he’s fallen for Isak’s lie. Just walks over to the counter and starts fiddling with the coffee machine.

“Is Even up early as well?” Jonas prepares enough coffee for two cups. Isak must look particularly pathetic, he kicks himself.

“No, he’s still asleep.”

“Okay.”

Isak hears the coffee being poured into the machine, hears as it starts to grind it up, mix it with the hot water.

“I’ve got a lecture in forty minutes,” Jonas tells him, clanking with the silverware as he brings out two spoons.

“Okay.”

The spoon clinks against the side of the mug every time Jonas finishes half a circle.

“I, uh,” Jonas starts, tapping the other spoon against the counter as he waits for the coffee to finish. “I couldn’t help but notice that the couch hasn’t been slept on tonight.”

He finally twists around to look at Isak; Isak, who is looking up at him with wide eyes and who can’t keep his bottom lip from quivering and who seems to have forgotten how to breathe.

“Oh, Isak.”

“It wasn’t,” Isak’s voice shakes, all of him is shaking. Is he crying? He can’t tell. “It wasn’t like that, we didn’t – it wasn’t –“ his voice cracks, any other words he might’ve had breaking off and going unsaid.

“Fuck, come here,” Jonas grabs onto Isak’s shoulder before Isak can even move, pulling him up and close and Isak clutches at Jonas wherever he can grab and hold on.

He smothers his face into Jonas’ shoulder, feels his curls tickle his cheek, feels the scratch of his sweater against the tip of his nose.

Actually getting air inside of his lungs isn’t any easier like this, but breathing doesn’t feel as difficult for some reason.

“You’re okay,” Jonas tells him, probably to be comforting, but Isak is probably the furthest thing from okay right now, so a slightly hysterical laugh bubbles out of him.

Jonas grimaces. “Yeah, fuck, that – sorry.”

Isak shakes his head, the sweater scratching uncomfortably against his nose in the process, but he doesn’t trust his throat to actually produce any noise for a reply.

“This is nice, though,” Jonas rubs a hand across Isak’s upper back. “We should do this more. It’s probably good for you, isn’t it? Some chemicals in your brain, or some shit.”

Jonas knows perfectly well about the ‘cuddle hormone’, Isak knows, because he’d watched him use it to flirt with Eva back during first year, so it’s just a ploy to get Isak to actually say something.

Isak is too nice, really, because he lets it work.

“Oh, yeah,” the words are muffled against Jonas’ shoulder, but he feels some tension seep out of Jonas at just Isak talking, “it’s very like us, after all.”

He says it as a joke, as a ha ha that Jonas is supposed to laugh along with and that’ll be that, but Jonas doesn’t do that.

“It could be.” His voice is very small, Isak doubts he would’ve heard it were he not literally pressed up against him. “I keep thinking – shit, this is bad timing, sorry, forget about it.”

Jonas moves back to pull away, so Isak makes sure to cling on, dig his heels into the floor and not let Jonas move away.

“No, come on, what is it?”

Jonas hesitates, but he doesn’t try to move out of the hug anymore, is holding on to Isak again. This time breathing doesn’t come as easy as Isak had just learnt it could.

“I keep thinking that, like, what if we had done these things? Would it have changed anything? Would it have meant you wouldn’t have been so scared to tell us?”

Isak’s heart hurts, his chest tightening and constricting his airways. He clutches on to Jonas tighter.

“Jonas, no, it – it wasn’t like that –“

“But, like,” Jonas interrupts, “we should’ve done more. Not just for you, but in general. We shouldn’t have made it feel like you had to keep secrets from us.”

“You didn’t –“ Isak tries halfheartedly, because it hadn’t been all them that had kept Isak from saying anything, the boys had barely been a fraction of why Isak had never said anything.

“Just in general, then,” Jonas changes tactic. “Friends should make sure that no one should feel like they have to keep quiet about who they are to fit in.”

“But you didn’t know,” Isak reminds him. “I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t give off any, like, vibes or shit.” Or he’d at least tried very hard not to make anyone suspect anything.

“Even then, especially then. Everyone should be aware that coming out or being themselves is okay and not have to fear they’ll lose their friends over it. You’re my best friend, you know that, right? And I hate that I ever made you feel like that.”

Isak squeezes his eyes shut.

“I just –“ Jonas shakes his head. “Some of the shit we say, man. Just the way we talk and what we talk about, you must’ve felt so left out.”

“It’s fine,” Isak protests. It’s not like it’s awful to hear the guys talk about girls – boring, more than anything, the only bad part had been when he had had to pretend he cared and had an opinion of his own on the matter.

Jonas shakes his head again. Isak feels the movement of it. “It’s going to change. We’re going to change. We’ll be better, man.”

Isak doesn’t know how to tell him that they’re already so fucking good, the best fucking friends anyone could ever ask for, so he just squeezes Jonas harder. “Like what?” he tries to sound bright and cheerful.

“Like –“ Jonas searches for words for a second, and then, “He’s a handsome guy,” Jonas says like it’s nothing.

“What the fuck.” Isak doesn’t know if he’s laughing or if he’s about to cry. His chest feels weird and the noises bubbling out of him sound like a mix between the two.

“I’m just saying,“ Jonas laughs. “You could’ve done a lot worse.”

Oh, yeah, Isak doesn’t say. He could’ve gone for someone who wouldn’t leave him behind halfway across the world because he got a better offer.

“I’m sorry it didn’t last,” Jonas says, almost like he can read Isak’s mind. “But you got to have someone who really loved you and who made you happy, even if it was just for a little while. How could he not have been in love with you?”

Isak snorts, but doesn’t say anything. How could he leave like that if he had ever loved me, though?

Jonas doesn’t let go of him until his breathing returns to normal.

OOOOO

Isak doesn’t go back to his bedroom once Jonas has left for class. He can’t bring himself to do it, figures it won’t bring anything good, either, so he just stays in the kitchen and waits for the rest of the house to wake up.

Once Mahdi gets up, they make some breakfast together, just chatting about small, inane things. Mahdi doesn’t comment on it if he notices something being off with Isak, which Isak is eternally grateful for.

He doesn’t leave when he’s got his plate of toast ready, either – sits down opposite of Isak and doesn’t leave before Isak’s finished his bowl of cereal, watching carefully to make sure that he eats.

Isak almost snorts at the thought of just how many times he’s done that with Even, and now Mahdi’s doing the exact same thing with him, but instead he just takes another spoonful of soggy cereal, turning to mush in his mouth as he eats. Mahdi nods satisfied, though, which makes Isak feel a bit less guilty about how painstakingly long it had taken to go through one barely half-full bowl.

“What’s this?” Magnus squawks when he gets up. “Squad breakfast? And I wasn’t invited?”

“Jonas isn’t here, either,” Isak reminds him at the same time as Mahdi takes the opportunity to say, “Only the best of the squad was invited. Sorry, bro.”

Magnus huffs. “’Sorry, bro’,” he imitates badly on purpose.

Mahdi laughs and claps Magnus on the shoulder as he walks past him. Isak gets up and puts his bowl in the sink when the silence between him and Magnus has lasted long enough to turn awkward.

“What are the plans for today?”

“Ugh,” Magnus groans. “I need to start studying. We’re supposed to do this big project on cinematography functioning as symbolism, and I just – “ Magnus, being Magnus, flings his body against the fridge, his cheek smudged against the front so his words come out distorted, “– haven’t got a single clue where to start.”

Isak shrugs, because he’s an asshole and a science major, and because he loves to remind Magnus of just that.

Except Magnus doesn’t take the bait. He practically lights up and leans upright again. “Hey, do you think Even would mind helping me out? Like, his movies are known for deploying all sorts of methods, maybe he could –“

Isak winces, squeezes his eyes shut and hopes Magnus doesn’t notice anything.

“…Isak?”

He notices.

“Maybe –“ Isak carefully chews over his next words, doesn’t do it to make sure he won’t start to cry. “Maybe don’t count on it. He’ll be leaving soon, anyways.

Magnus frowns. “Huh? Has he said something?”

Isak winces again. “I – no, he hasn’t said anything.”

Magnus’ frown deepens. “Then why do you think –“

“Magnus,” Isak sighs, letting go of the plate by accident so it clangs against the bottom of the sink. He can’t tell if the clank or his tone is what makes Magnus pause. “Why would he stay?”

Magnus looks at Isak as if he’s an idiot and it’s obvious why Even would stick around. “Uh, hello? Have you met yourself? Remember?”

And Isak tries not to get angry with Magnus, really tries, because Magnus isn’t doing this to be mean, but Isak feels like his skin is stretched too tight and his nerves are too fraught, especially after this morning, and he can’t –

He turns off the water and twists to face Magnus, his mouth twisted downwards and eyes hard.

“Like I said, he hasn’t got any reason to stay,” and hopes for it to be enough.

Magnus only looks positively more confused. “What? What do you mean? You think he’d just leave without saying something?”

Isak snorts. Even saying something before leaving? That’s a novel idea.

“You don’t think you’re a reason to make him stick around? But the two of you were in love!”

Straight through the heart, Isak feels the knife for what it is, so he locks up, tightens his body and hardens himself to make Magnus stop, to not fucking cry right in the middle of the kitchen for the second time today.

“Magnus,” Isak reminds him harshly, “I hadn’t seen Even for two years, and I guarantee you, he was not in love with me when he left.”

Magnus looks like Isak has just slapped him across the face, completely taken aback and actually physically withdrawing a step from Isak’s animosity.

“But –“ Magnus frowns. “But, surely, it wasn’t all bad. Like, you wouldn’t have gotten married if it was.”

“You know what it’s like at that age,” Isak’s cheeks feel hot and his eyes are starting to burn. “It’s all – emotions so powerful you can’t think about anything else, it’s all ‘I love you until the end of time’ and ‘I never want to be apart from you’, and –“

He lets out a frustrated breath, chances looking over at Magnus. He looks sympathetic, yet still so, so calm. It makes it easier to draw in a full breath.

“You’ve met him,” Isak murmurs, because Magnus knows Even. “It’s – he – he’s everything, you know?”

He doesn’t know why he adds on the end, because obviously Magnus knows. Isak has heard him rant about Even for literal hours. Magnus doesn’t reply, though. Maybe because Magnus also knows Isak, as much as Isak has been trying to hide himself away.

“He’s captivating. And enigmatic. And so fucking beautiful, like – fucking everything about him is beautiful. And I was fifteen and stupid and in love. So, so much in fucking love with him, and I would’ve done everything to be with him.”

Everything except come out. Or maybe he would’ve done that too; a thought for the late nights that turned into early mornings worrying about literally everything. He never came to a conclusion, never really saw a point to it, because that past is in the past and Isak has spent literal years trying to live in the present instead.

It’s a bit of a moot point, because Isak wasn’t the only one vouching for them to not tell anyone. Even’s wishes would’ve always been factored in on the decision.

He knows he never would’ve given up on Even, though, and doesn’t that thought leave him feeling wobbly for all the wrong reasons.

“He said, ‘come’, and I followed, and he said, ‘stay with me forever’, and I tried, and then he said, ‘stay’, and I stayed, and he said, ‘sign here’, and I –“

His voice stops working. His throat stops working. Isak stops working.

He doesn’t dare look over at Magnus anymore, doesn’t know if he wants to see however it is Magnus is looking at him right now. He doesn’t want sympathy and he doesn’t want pity, he doesn’t want Magnus to feel sorry for him or for him to comfort him, Isak just –

He doesn’t know what he wants. Hasn’t for so long now. Doesn’t even know if it helps saying all of this out loud or not.

It helps to stare blankly at the cupboards. Also helps him find his voice again.

“We were young. We both were. We were so, so young. Just – too young.”

He thankfully doesn’t ask questions like, ‘what happened?’ because it’s quite obvious what happened, and Isak isn’t ready to go over those months upon months of pure misery. Magnus had been there for some of it, anyway, so surely he must’ve been able to add the missing puzzle pieces together now that he knows the truth.

Magnus still doesn’t say anything when Mahdi wanders back into the kitchen with his laptop to type up an essay, and he also doesn’t say anything when Jonas gets back from his lecture, and Isak finds himself growing more and more grateful for having the best friends in the entire world. Maybe it’s just because of the extremely emotional morning and the fact that he still feels like he’s balancing on a line hovering fifteen feet in the air, but he’s just really glad that he gets to have these three boys in his life.

Magnus definitely doesn’t say anything when Even finally wanders out of bed.

Or, he does say something, but nothing related to what he and Isak had been talking about.

“Even!” he shouts, holding his fist up for Even to pound, which he does with a laugh. “My man, you finally up?”

Even laughs as he acquiesces to a bro-fist. He looks happy and sleep rumpled, a few pillow creases edged onto the side of his face, and Isak can’t stand to look at him for how much it hurts.

“Did you sleep well?” Jonas asks, tone carefully neutral, but Isak still tenses as if Jonas is about to give Even the shovel talk about five years too late.

Even moves closer to where the kitchen counter meets up with the windows, meaning he places himself next to Isak but not so close as to look obvious. Isak’s heart is pounding in his chest.

“I slept really well,” Even says, shyly looking over at Isak.

Isak stares resolutely at his hands.

“That’s good,” Jonas replies after a few tense seconds of complete silence. “Feel like you’re getting back on your feet?”

“Right,” Even replies, stilted and much less at ease from Isak’s lack of response. Isak can’t see it because he isn’t looking, but he knows Even will have straightened his back, will have set his face in a carefully neutral mask. He can’t tell if he’ll be looking at Isak or not, mainly because Isak’s never actually seen Even do it in real life other than the time they’d accidentally run into each other on the street when he’d been with Mikael, Elias, Adam, and Mutta.

He’s seen him do it enough in interviews and paparazzi shots to know, though.

No one says anything after that. What the hell is there to say, after all?

“Are you hungry?” Isak asks, desperate to just do or say something – anything superficial that will make time pass quicker. “I can make you some breakfast.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I’ll make you some breakfast,” Isak tells him, moving to get the toaster out. He very deliberately ignores the shakiness of his hands.

Even looks lost as he stands there in their kitchen, not taking his eyes off of Isak as he flits about, trying to keep busy and not look over at Even.

Which isn’t easy when you’re making toast, as ‘toasting’ just takes a lot of standing around waiting for the bread to crispen up.

He decides to make another cup of coffee – not that he really wants one. He doubts Even does either, unless he’s suddenly started to like getting the cup-full of sugar-flavored coffee in the morning, but if neither of them drink it one of the boys probably will.

Even’s phone pings as the last of the coffee is spouted out of the machine and into the mug, startling Isak as he narrowly misses the handle that would’ve sent the cup flying.

“You turned your phone on?” one of the boys ask, Isak can’t tell who. He hadn’t known Even had turned his phone on, hadn’t even known he’d charged it, how he’d charged it, because he’d shown up on Isak’s doorstep with nothing but himself and Isak’s fairly certain he’s got one of those new, fancy phones that no one in this house has enough money to look at.

“Yeah,” Even says, but he doesn’t bring his phone out to check. “Had a look around online this morning. Figured it was better to just get it over with, to know what everyone is saying and not just wondering about it.”

Isak doesn’t know what everyone is saying, has actually kept himself from checking, which was something he’d never managed to keep to when he’d promised himself he wouldn’t look up Even in the past. He doesn’t particularly want to know what everyone is saying, either, so he hurries to change the subject before it’s too late.

“It looks cold out today,” Isak comments, ignoring when Even stares at him incredulously and the boys pointedly look at where Mahdi’s sheet is still covering up the window.

“You know, us not talking about it isn’t going to change a goddamn thing,” Even snipes. Isak doesn’t remember Even pulling that tone at him before. No matter, Isak doesn’t like it.

Even’s phone clanks worryingly against the countertop, but Isak doesn’t care enough to check it for cracks and damages. At least he tells himself it’s because he doesn’t care. Even’s rich now, he can buy what he wants to and treat his things the way he wants to, Isak doesn’t care.

“Twitter is talking about it,” Even nods at his phone. “All the gossip magazines. Some actual papers, as well. It’s trending right now, in fact. If everyone else in the world can talk about it, why can’t I talk about it with my husba-“

He cuts himself off, but the damage is already done.

Isak freezes.

“It does look cold out today,” Magnus tries, but it’s just as convincing as it had been when Isak had tried it. “Proper Norwegian autumn weather, huh? Guess we should start layering up!” and grabs Isak’s hoodie where it hangs off of the back of one of the kitchen chairs.

He doesn’t get a chance to do any more than that, though, before Even calls out, “That’s my hoodie.” Its drawstrings are clearly visible in their colorful glory and the tip of one of the i-s is peaking out.

Isak’s heart feels like it’s in his throat.

Mahdi looks around until he finds what Even’s looking at. “Nah, that’s Isak’s,” he snorts. “It’s funny – that’s the only piece of clothing he’ll leave lying around whenever he –“

“That’s my hoodie,” Even interrupts. He sounds like a toddler about to stomp his foot on the ground to get his way, but Isak knows that’s not what it’s about.

Isak can feel everyone’s eyes on his back like little pricks of needles. It’s making his skin flush and heart beat faster and he doesn’t turn around to look at any of them to give an explanation.

“That’s my hoodie,” Even repeats. “You told me you got rid of it.”

“Must’ve forgotten,” Isak says nonchalantly.

“You didn’t. You never forget anything. You told me you got rid of it, why would you lie –“

“It probably just got mixed up with your stuff and my stuff when I was packing,” Isak’s hands are shaking as he starts placing the cutlery into the right drawers.

“And, what, you just kept it all these years?”

Isak shrugs.

“Isak!”

“Even,” Isak sighs and tries to busy himself with getting a cup of coffee. “Let’s not do –“

“Well, when are we supposed to do it, then? Huh?” Even shouts. It startles Isak badly enough that he drops the empty mug onto the counter.

It lands right side up, the bottom clanging harshly as it spins around, wobbling worryingly for a second before it settles.

“Is it always going to be like this? This fucking, ‘Not now, Even’, because I’m getting real sick and tired of that shit.” Even’s breathing is too harsh for the tense quiet that has settled over the room.

Isak can see Magnus out of the corner of his eye, and for the first time since he’s met Even, he looks like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world right now than here in this kitchen, in the middle of a fight that has been brewing for years.

“Even –“ Isak tries, already sounding tired and resigned, but Even holds a hand up and interrupts him.

“You think I don’t see it?” he asks, shaking his head like Isak is being purposely slow about this. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice? Wouldn’t recognize it for what it is? For what you do?”

Isak stands stock still right there in his own kitchen, one hand still reaching out like he’ll grab onto the mug any second now and it’ll still be spinning and wobbling around even as he can tell it’s gained its balance all on its own.

“You run.” The words hurt like a slap to the cheek. “Isak, you’ve always done this. You run, and if you can’t do that then you hide, because I know you –“

“Don’t you fucking dare,” the words finally come back to Isak, who clenches his fists so tightly until they hurt. “Don’t you dare, don’t you –“

Even’s jaw is clenched, and his eyes are narrowed into what could turn into a glare if it wasn’t aimed at Isak.

“You don’t know me. You gave up the right to know me when you left me,” Isak reminds him harshly.

“I thought we agreed! You said I’d be an idiot if I didn’t leave!”

I never said, ‘leave me’, though! Isak wants to yell back.

“Whatever,” he snaps instead, turning the bread around so it can toast on the other side. It’s slightly too dark for Even’s taste, but Isak doesn’t care, hates that he even thinks about it.

“No, not ‘whatever’. Honestly, what did you expect would happen?”

What did he expect? Seriously? So it’s Isak’s fault that he hadn’t known that being away from him for a couple of months would mean Even was ready to give him up entirely? How the hell was he supposed to have known that would happen?

“Christ,” Isak shakes his head.

Where the hell is he supposed to start? When he expected for Even to come back? When he expected for Even to not fucking stop loving him? When he expected for this year to not be as tremendously shitty as it has been so far? When he expected for this year to be his year?

“Lots of things were supposed to happen this year,” Isak snaps, his pulse rushing in his ears. “For one, I was going to stop letting people walk all over me. Including myself.”

Even startles, clearly not expecting an honest answer, if even an answer at all.

“I was supposed to be done and get over you, and now here we are!”

“What do you mean ‘get over me’? You’ve had years!”

Red, burning hot fury washes over Isak.

“Well, ex-fucking-cuse me if it wasn’t that easy for me, alright?” he scrapes harder at the bread, ends up with more toast on the knife than he does on the plate.

Even frowns. “How could it not have been –“

Isak is so angry, so fucking angry. How couldn’t it have been easy to get over Even, he knows is what Even had wanted to say before he cut himself off.

He can’t even tell what he’s more angry about – Even implying getting over him should’ve been the easiest thing to do, as if Even wasn’t the best thing that had happened to Isak, or the fact that their entire thing, them had been so easy for Even to get over that he couldn’t understand what a hardship it had been for Isak.

Still was for Isak, because he wasn’t over Even. Not at all.

“But, why?” Even asks instead, sounding horribly lost and not at all like he’s asking Isak about why he wasn’t over them and their entire marriage ending the day after it had happened, but Isak can’t tell what it is he’s asking about.

So he sighs, plates up the horribly mistreated piece of toast and turns around so he isn’t facing the counter. It means he can see the rest of the boys, but it’s also easier to pull off not looking at Even when the only alternative is staring into the side of their fridge.

“Why – you signed – why sign at all, then?” Even tries when Isak doesn’t reply. “I just – I don’t understand. Isak, I don’t understand.”

There aren’t any tears stinging in Isak’s eyes, there aren’t. He firmly keeps his gaze on one of the pictures they have hanging on the wall out in the hallway, the only picture he can see from this angle. It’s one of Magnus asleep with a drawn-on moustache and unibrow that Magnus had laughed so hard at when he realized what they’d done to him after he’d come back from the shops.

It makes it easier to pull back the tears. It does nothing to make his heart feel not as heavy and like it isn’t breaking apart inside of him for the umpteenth time.

“They weren’t showing your movie,” Isak crosses his arms over his chest and lets his body slowly fall backwards until his lower back presses into the counter.

Even’s brow furrow as he has to think back. Something inside Isak clenches at the thought that there had been a time when studios weren’t begging to showcase one of Even’s works, when he’d had to fight tooth and nail for it.

“What does that have to –“

“You know what that has to do with it,” Isak bites out.

He can’t even bring himself to look over at Even where he’s standing in front of their window with the afternoon sun shining in through the sheets, golden light framing him and Isak can’t look.

“I just –“ he lets out a frustrated breath, trying to gather his thoughts. “I understand why you did it, it – I was so pissed at you for the way you did it, but it’s not like I don’t get it, okay? I –“ Isak shakes his head. “It came down to an ultimatum, and –“

And you didn’t choose me.

“– And I get it,” he tries again, not sure how else to make Even understand.

“Good,” Even says, making Isak’s heart hurt in ways he didn’t even know it could.

Except – except Even doesn’t sound like there’s any ‘goodness’ to it at all.

Isak frowns and looks over at Even.

Even, who looks angry.

“Maybe you could explain it to me, then, because I sure don’t ‘get it’.”

“Are you really going to make me say it?”

Isak’s cheeks burn. He feels fucking humiliated.

“The studio wasn’t showing your movie because you had a husband waiting for you at home.”

“Isak,” Even sounds horrified, actually horrified. “What did you do?”

“What you asked me to do,” Isak reminds him. He feels so tired all of a sudden, just completely exhausted with everything. He’s still angry, still feels so ashamed with himself. He’s tired of being angry, but it doesn’t stop. It’ll keep going until he boils over.

“Isak, what did you do?”

“I signed the fucking papers. Why can’t you just leave me alone – I did what you wanted!”

Even stills. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at Isak who is panting and so fucking angry and hurt he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“What papers?” Even finally asks, a lot calmer than Isak thinks he has any right to, because what fucking papers does he think Isak is talking about?

“Don’t fucking do this to me, Even,” Isak warns. “You know what papers.”

Even shakes his head. “I really fucking don’t. What. Papers?”

Isak can’t tell if this is a joke – if it is, it’s fucking stupid and hurtful.

So Isak levels the best glare he can at Even and tells him pointblank, “Every single piece of paper you had your goddamn lawyers put in front of me.”

Isak doesn’t know what he expects, if he even expects anything – an apology? For Even to admit that he had done that? That he was the biggest asshole in the world for ending things like that instead of just telling Isak to his face? Or over the phone? Or through a goddamn text?

Even doesn’t do any of that. He just keeps staring at Isak as if he has short-circuited, his brain not processing any of what Isak’s saying.

Isak isn’t getting an apology or a confession or Even on his knees, begging for Isak to take him back. He isn’t getting anything, so Isak lets it go. Shakes his head and looks away from Even, can’t stand to keep looking at him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he tells Even, way more bitter than he’d intended for it to come out. “I kept my fucking mouth shut – as if I wouldn’t have anyway, had you not made sure of that too.”

The divorce papers were one thing, but a fucking non-disclosure agreement had just been excessive, legal bullshit.

Seeing the divorce papers in front of him had probably been the worst moment in Isak’s life. Which is why he doesn’t expect for Even’s next words to turn his world as much upside-down as they do.

“I didn’t send any papers.”

Isak’s head snaps back up to look at Even.

Even had stilled when Isak had shouted at him that he’d signed all the papers. Isak’s entire world stops when Even tells him he hadn’t sent any papers.

So many emotions are rushing through him – anger at the thought of Even still not wanting to admit it, hope that he’s telling the truth and hadn’t wanted to leave Isak forever, confusion because what the fuck does that mean? And why the fuck had Isak been sat down and told to sign to agree to his own fucking divorce?

No one says anything. Isak is the one to break the silence when he finally manages to get his tongue to work and ask, “Huh?”

“I didn’t send any papers,” Even repeats, slow and methodical and still looking like he’s locked away from the world. “You sent me divorce papers. Already signed.”

“I signed the papers you sent me.”

“I didn’t send any papers,” Even repeats for the third time as if it makes any more sense the third time. “I didn’t ask you for a divorce.”

Isak can’t feel his body. He can’t feel anything.

“Then –“ he can’t get the words out. Too many thoughts are flying through his head for him to make out any of them. He feels like the floor has disappeared from underneath his feet. “Then why – what –“

“Holy fuck,” he thinks he hears Mahdi mutter.

“But you did!” Isak frowns. Nothing makes any sense anymore. “You did, they told me you did!”

“I didn’t,” Even insists, voice thick and – is he crying? Isak can’t tell, can’t make out any of Even’s features properly, everything looks blurry. “The only papers I ever sent you was an e-mail with the details so you could come with me for the promo.”

Isak hadn’t gotten those papers. He would’ve preferred to have gotten those papers.

“What the fuck,” Jonas mumbles. For some reason Isak hears that more clearly than any time Even repeated he hadn’t sent Isak divorce papers. “What the fuck.”

“You didn’t send me –” he tries to ask, voice quiet revealing just how terribly small he feels right now.

He’d felt in love when he asked Even to marry him. He’d felt young and stupid and still in love when he’d signed his name on the papers saying he wouldn’t be married anymore. He feels just as young and stupid right now and still wishes to not feel in love.

Even shakes his head. His eyes are shiny, shoulders hunched, appearing just as small as Isak feels. “I thought you sent –“ cutting himself off accidentally when his voice cracks.

What the fuck indeed, Jonas. What the fuck.

What the fuck does this mean?

Isak knows what this means. It means the studio’s management team had seen an opportunity – they’d seen Even’s potential, and they traced all of his problems back to patient zero, which had been Isak, because they hadn’t lied about that. Even’s movie wasn’t being shown because he was a ‘gay’ director with a husband waiting for him at home. It was a PR disaster waiting to happen, and so they took care of it before it became a bigger problem.

Isak hadn’t realized just how right he’d been when he told Magnus this morning that he and Even had just been too young, not for the reasons he’d said it. Their age and inexperience had been a weakness any corporate suit-wearing asshole had been able to sniff out, and they had used it to their advantage, had gotten Isak to sign fucking divorce papers with a limited amount of questions.

Two closeted ‘gay’ boys who had played into their hands like it had all been scripted.

God, Isak has gone years blaming Even, being so fucking angry with him. Years and years and now he finds out that it’s all been for nothing.

Because Even hadn’t fallen out of love with him. Even hadn’t chosen to stay in America, he’d been coming back to him. Even hadn’t been given an ultimatum – directing or his marriage – and he hadn’t not chosen Isak.

Isak had spent so long being so fucked up over Even – still was, if he could ever come to admit it to himself – had practically been on his to drinking himself into an early grave, that was how bad it had been. And now he finds out there hadn’t been any point to it at all.

But if Isak takes a second to think about it, what would be different? Had he and Even not broken apart, if they’d stayed together for all of these years, what would’ve been different?

Besides the obvious of countless sleepless nights and self-destructive behavior, either no studio would’ve showed Even’s movie, or Even’s career still would’ve taken off exponentially, and Even would’ve been travelling all over the world scouting for filming locations, but Isak would’ve still been stuck back in Norway. That wouldn’t be different, because no one would know about Isak and Even, and they still would’ve been terrified of anyone finding out. Isak would’ve spent several years waiting for whatever brief interludes of Even coming back instead of the nearly single year that he barely made it through.

Except for the one obvious thing, that he and Even not being together had made Even what he was today – big, world-famous movie director, which is what Isak had always wanted for him anyways – nothing else that could’ve been different seems to compare to that gain.

So when Isak takes the time to think about what would’ve been different, he thinks and builds up each parallel universe, and he comes up with nothing.

Nothing would’ve been different.

So he asks Even, “What would it matter?”

Even stills mid-motion. His eyes are wild and he keeps staring at Isak like he’s a stranger.

“What?”

Even isn’t the only one who looks at Isak like he’s missed the point entirely, when Isak’s pretty sure he’s the only one here who gets it for what it is.

“What do you mean?” Even asks, hurt and confused and angry, and Isak hates that he still recognizes any emotion that comes across Even’s face, no matter how fleeting.

It makes it so much more difficult to keep a straight face and not flinch when Even starts to talk.

“Are you talking about how my management team wouldn’t have convinced my husband that I didn’t want anything to do with him? Or the fact that they literally talked him into signing divorce papers? Or are you talking about how we haven’t spoken in two years and I’ve fucking missed you?”

Isak can’t keep the flinch away, he can’t. He flinches and he crumbles and he hunches forward, body curling in on itself. He thinks of Even’s career and of him being robbed of every opportunity because of Isak, because of what being with Isak meant. The lawyers hadn’t lied about that. “Are you saying it wasn’t the best decision?”

Even definitely looks like he doesn’t think it was the best decision in a horrible situation. “Maybe I would’ve liked having a choice!”

“What does it matter?” Isak tears at his own fringe in frustration. “Would anything really be different?”

Even physically takes a step back from Isak, like he can’t stand even being near the hypothetical scenario of them having stayed together and this still being status quo.

“You’re not out, Even,” he reminds him. “You’ve had years to come out, years where you’ve been established and any possible fallout could be minimized, yet you didn’t.”

Isak feels sick at that thought. Never mind he’d been doing the exact same thing for just as long.

Even’s mouth keeps opening and closing, like he’s fighting to find the words, but Isak for once is nowhere near done.

“Even, I remember. I remember your scripts; I remember what your movies were supposed to be like. ‘Save You Right Back’ was supposed to be about two girls.”

Even doesn’t answer. Isak isn’t sure what he’d want him to say, anyway.

“Who made the decision to change it?” he continues unapologetically.

Even looks away, down to the counter. But Isak doesn’t have to look him in the eyes to see the guilt and the shame there.

“Because it wasn’t you,” he insists, clenches his fists and ignores how teary his eyes are. “If you’d wanted it to be a boy and a girl, you would’ve written it like that to begin with. But you didn’t.”

“You never told anyone about us either!” Even accuses, deflects because he knows Isak is right.

“Well, I fucking couldn’t, could I? Not with that fucking NDA hanging over my head.”

The apartment feels way too small, feels like it’s closing in around Isak with each breath he struggles to take.

“What did you do?” Even asks, sounding just as horrified as he had when Isak had confessed why he signed the papers.

“They worked so hard to make you out like your perfectly average, straight guy; did you really think they’d let a lose end like me just hang around?”

“Isak –“ Even’s voice cracks. “I can’t believe –“

Except he can and Isak can tell that he can.

That doesn’t mean he’s able to predict Even’s question, apparently.

“How?”

Isak snorts and tells him a lot meaner than intended, “How I signed? With a fucking pen, Even.”

Signing the NDA hadn’t been the hard part. He would’ve signed it without question even if they hadn’t presented him with divorce papers first. Keeping his mouth shut had never been the problem.

Even scowls, which isn’t a nice look on his face. “No, how did they make you sign it?”

Isak almost wants to be a brat, to be a pest and reply with a pen, but he doesn’t want to be petty.

Even interrupts him before he can say anything anyway. “Because you wouldn’t just sign them out of the blue, would you have?”

Isak flushes, feels his heart beat quicker. Even though he keeps quiet, it’s enough of a tell for Even to know that, no, Isak didn’t sign any papers they presented him as soon as they brought them out.

“So what did they tell you?”

“I already told you,” Isak reminds him. “No one would show your movie when you had a husband waiting for you at home.”

“Isak,” and Even doesn’t sound angry, which is probably the worst part. He just sounds horribly sad. Isak doesn’t like to hear Even like that, and he doesn’t like to hear Even say his name like that. “Isak.”

“Don’t,” he warns him. “Just – don’t, okay?”

Even shakes his head, but he doesn’t say anything thankfully. He looks too impossibly sad to talk.

Turns out the silence is much worse. Isak twitches with it, feels it clogging up his lungs until they burn and his eyes are burning and everything hurts.

“What if that had been it?”

Isak winces involuntarily at not being able to keep his mouth shut. He should stop talking, should just accept his life for what it is and move on, move on from Even, move on without Even as he has been these past two years. He shouldn’t keep digging around in it like this, it’ll kill him.

But he still starts to talk.

“What if I had told them no and they refused to show your movie indefinitely?” his eyes sting. Even looks like his might be stinging as well. “What if that had been it for you?”

“Isak –“ Even starts, not getting much further.

“I wanted it for you,” Isak admits. “I wanted you to make movies, to be a big director, and I wanted your movie to be shown. I wanted people to see it and see how brilliant you were, see how much you loved directing and films. I was pissed at how you decided to break it off with me, but –“

His words get caught in his throat; he can’t say it out loud.

Even just sending the papers with the lawyers had been what had made things so bad. Isak had barely stumbled over how Even had chosen his career instead of Isak.

Even gets it anyway, though. Isak can tell, because he gets impossibly sadder, his entire body slumping down as if his strings have been caught and his knees are shaking so he ends up standing a bit wobbly.

“I didn’t want for that to be it for you,” Isak says instead. I didn’t want for me to be the end for you. “I wanted you to have your epic story, and I couldn’t give you that.”

“But you were supposed to be my epic story?” Even tells him desperately. “Don’t you get that? You were going to be that for me. I wanted you.”

Isak shakes his head and bites down on his bottom lip to keep it from wobbling. “I wanted you to have more.”

This time Even is the one who shakes his head, slowly and distantly, as if he isn’t really aware he’s doing it. Once he’s done, it’s almost as if he’s looking right through Isak, not seeing what’s in front of him.

He slides his hand along the counter for the first couple of steps, then carefully sidesteps a safe distance away from Isak, walking past him and all the other boys in the kitchen who Isak had honestly forgotten were there, taking heavy steps down the hallway until Isak hears his bedroom door click shut.

Isak takes a deep breath, fails, then tries to take another one.

“Hey,” someone whispers, reaching out and grabbing on to his shoulder. “Is, breathe. Fuck.”

Isak doesn’t know how to breathe. He hasn’t been able to for years, and finally saying why, finding out that the entire thing had been a lie, hasn’t made it any easier.

Even hadn’t wanted to divorce him. His team had wanted to divorce them, because straight-Even meant more money than ‘gay’-Even. Isak doesn’t know what to do with that, doesn’t know what to do with any of this.

“Holy shit,” Magnus says, and then repeats it. “Holy shit.”

“This is so fucked up,” Jonas agrees, sinking onto a chair with a thump. Isak almost wants to laugh, but it would be out of hysteria rather than actual amusement.

Isak isn’t used to Jonas or Magnus being of few words, of something happening to rob them of their voices, but this has managed to do it. They’re both sitting there silently and staring into the air as if something will appear that can fix all of this.

Isak isn’t used to Jonas and Magnus being the quiet ones, but it’s what Mahdi tells him that really feels like a punch to the stomach.

“Neither of you would’ve gotten hurt like this,” Mahdi tells him, squeezing his shoulder. “That’s what would’ve been different. And, personally, I think that would’ve been enough to be worth it.”

 Past

Starting university is supposed to be a happy time. Filled with nerves for the future, for your future, sure, but it’s supposed to be nerves stemming from excitement as well.

Isak hates it.

He stays in bed for the entire introduction week. There aren’t any classes and all the schedule had said was mostly just getting a tour around the place and lectures about rules and what the university can do for you and your future, and Isak can’t think about any of that, so he buys another bottle of whatever hard liquor his hand first grabs – tequila, yuck, so not his favorite – and it’s gone before the week is halfway over.

He still feels slightly hung-over the week after when he actually gets out of bed and stumbles onto university grounds.

He goes exploring, just like everyone else, sees what new options he suddenly has. There are loads of recommendations for locals clubs, bars, then the university’s own student union, student bar, student clubs, all the parties and activities welcoming the first years, extracurricular opportunities, Isak kind of stops listening once the options drift away from anything that involves alcohol.

He goes to all the places whose intentions were to encourage the students to be social. He goes to the bar that Friday during the first week, when everyone is still new and nervous and desperate to make friends and find solidarity between each other, and he drinks himself stupid for far too much money. He’s far drunker than any of the other students there, and that sure is saying something. He’s the only one this level of drunk who is still standing on his feet.

No one comments on it, but he doesn’t remember any names of the group he’s standing with, so he doubts they remember his. It’s not like they really care, anyway, they’re not friends, they barely know each other, and Isak thinks that should make him feel lonely, but the alcohol has numbed everything inside him, has finally slowed down his thoughts and gotten him out of his head that he doesn’t register anything around him.

It’s a nice reprieve and Isak takes another shot to that.

He’s moved into student housing, hadn’t had the courage to ask Eskild for something. Noora was still living there as far as he was aware, anyway, and the Kollektiv only had the three rooms. This was better for everyone involved.

It’s most certainly better – or worse, depending on how you see it, Isak chooses to see it as ‘better’ – for his drinking habits. His room is tiny, but there are ten-or-so people he’s sharing a kitchen with and there are usually always a couple of them who are up for drinking, even if it is a Tuesday night and there’s a possibility of a practice exam the next morning. He doesn’t know their names either.

They also don’t know his, he gathers, because one guy stubbornly calls him ‘Ivan’ and Isak doesn’t even bother correcting him, hasn’t since the first time he did it. It doesn’t really matter, anyway.

There is one guy Isak makes it a point whose name to remember; a little shorter than him with wild, dark curls and a thick set of eyebrows. He’s studying something like political science, and Isak had snorted and told him that wasn’t real science with enough snark that most people would’ve excused themselves from the conversation and left, but Jonas had only laughed and shared his last beer with him.

They’re not friends, not really anyway. He’s the only person Isak has actually made an effort to check in with at least every other week, but other than that they hardly see each other outside of when Isak’s asking people about their drinking plans.

Not that he needs other people to be drinking, because he doesn’t. But it’s nicer to blend into a crowd, let their drunken roars and cheering overpower whatever the alcohol can’t, and it means he isn’t alone in his misery the morning after, so that’s nice too.

Well, it’s mostly nicer, because even though this is university, everyone is still eighteen or nineteen, which means they are teenage boys, who, in Isak’s experience, can be some of the worst people to be around.

Jonas isn’t exactly what one might call the ‘life of the party’ – he’s way too chill for that, laid-back and calm and too often breaking into a rant about the consequences of capitalism, but he still has people buzzing around him, drawing them near simply because Jonas is cool.

With his curls and his backwards cap and his guitar that he’ll break out if they’re attending a house party that Eva will be attending.

Eva and her long, auburn hair, who is studying psychology and binges Dr. Phil most evenings.

Jonas likes her for those reasons and more. Isak likes her because she’s fun and always ready for shots and liquor, even if she is a sloppy drunk.

Isak can tell that she’s lonely, but he has honestly run out of empathy and can’t seem to make himself care about anything but when he can get his next glass of anything that contains alcohol.

So Eva latches on to him and Jonas most days, especially at parties like this one – which Jonas is especially pleased with. Isak should probably set up a pool for when they’re going to kiss, because he would definitely win, but he again finds himself not able to really care about anything.

It can’t be healthy, he knows that, but Isak also doubts the amount of alcohol he’s consuming daily, if not weekly, is far from healthy either, and out of the two, it will probably be the drinking that gets him killed first.

If you don’t mention how the only reason why he’s drinking so excessively is to stop his brain from overworking that is.

He needs to not think, that’s what he needs.

Which, Isak has found out, is simultaneously easy and difficult amongst teenage boys. They are the best enablers, but they are also the biggest assholes who will accidentally play on your fears and deepest, darkest secrets.

Jonas plays a few chords, lets them ring out before he switches his grip and plays something else. He’s got two girls sitting on the armrests beside him and a group of people somewhat centered around him.

“Any requests?”

“Play Justin Bieber,” one of the girls suggests.

Jonas wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. “Isak? What do you want to hear?”

“Play ‘I’m yours’!” Isak calls out.

“Nei,” Jonas protests, still strumming along, not really playing anything else. “Come on, man, you only know gay songs.”

Isak’s heart feels stuck in his throat. “Hold kjeft!” he shouts back, voice not wavering. “How is that a ‘gay song’?”

Jonas doesn’t get the chance to reply before Eva’s already started on the lyrics to I’m yours. Suddenly, Jonas doesn’t have any problems playing that gay song.

Isak downs three shots in a row until the room is swaying along with the gay music being played.

He just needs to stop being so sensitive. He needs to stop thinking.

He barely goes to half of his lectures and only the ones that aren’t in the morning – he still manages to show up with a hangover, though. He doesn’t go to any of his tutorials, hands in his homework with seconds to spare, half-assed and probably incomplete at times.

Isak doesn’t care. That’s probably the scariest bit – he’s always cared, especially about his grades and his schoolwork. It had been his way of escaping from reality for most of his life, and he likes to learn, likes to work out problems and figure things out, like tying knots together. And he just doesn’t care.

He should probably call Eskild, to be honest. Claiming that he wasn’t in desperate need of some help right now would be the biggest lie Isak’s ever had to tell, and he’s told some pretty fucking big ones.

Maybe that’s why he doesn’t call Eskild.

Eskild will be able to tell something is wrong, because how wouldn’t he be able to tell? And Isak won’t be able to say anything – his name is on papers explaining extremely thoroughly just what were to happen to him if he ever said something, and at this point he’s lied to Eskild for years. How is he meant to tell him that?

And Eskild won’t back down without an explanation – won’t take Isak on his word when he says he’s just stressed, that university is different from high school and more difficult and he’s spending so many hours working hard so he’s just stressed.

Jonas and Eva end up together. Isak doesn’t register anything changing, probably because he doesn’t hang out with them unless it’s at a party – but then again, they seem to be making out at each of those parties, so Isak probably should have noticed it.

Would’ve if he hadn’t kept his eyes on the kitchens and the alcohol supply. If he wasn’t sneaking into bathrooms with Jonas to smoke the odd blunt that Jonas somehow manages to scrounge up. If Even could see him now.

Jonas tells him about him and Eva, that’s how Isak finds out. He’s just gotten a bottle of something nauseatingly fluorescent out of a crate when Jonas finds him and tells him Eva agreed for them to be an official couple.

Isak doesn’t hear him the first time he says it, blood rushing in his ears from standing upright too quickly, and then he simply doesn’t register it the next time. Third time is the charm, so Isak laughs, messily pours out the contents of the bottle into two glasses.

“Cheers!” he yells, clanking his glass against Jonas’, which he hasn’t even gotten the chance to pick up yet.

Jonas laughs when Isak downs four shots back-to-back and nearly throws up, claps him on the back when he doesn’t get sick.

It doesn’t come across for ages that just because Isak is walking around in an intoxicated bliss completely unaware of everyone around him doesn’t mean that people are unaware of Isak. He gets the reputation of being a party animal, of always being up for a drink. Girls like to ask him to dance, and Isak can never remember how he refuses them without seeming like an asshole, but Isak certainly knows he doesn’t use the explanation that would definitely get them to leave him alone. Why ruin a good thing before it’s barely started, after all?

He knows he sneaks away to the bathroom, sometimes, just to avoid the crowd, also to riffle through the drawers. He knows what words he needs to look for, recognizes what medications will make you geared and which will make you exhausted. Occasionally knows which ones you probably shouldn’t fuck with when you downed a fuckton of alcohol, but Isak’s mostly gotten to a point when he’s looking for prescribed drugs where he just doesn’t care about that.

Funny thing, people always keep their medication in a cabinet or in drawer right by the mirror. Isak only notices because it means he has to work particularly hard not to look up.

He hasn’t looked at his own reflection in months. He doesn’t think he’ll like the sight of it if he were to, doesn’t think he’ll recognize himself.

But then again, Isak hasn’t known how to be ‘himself’ since a bunch of guys in suits shoved wads of papers at him until he signed all of them. He doesn’t know what being ‘Isak’ means, because for so long he’s been IsakandEven, and he’s not certain he likes the parts of the ‘Isak’ he’s been left with.

Not to mention how having half of him cut off has left him feeling like he’s wobbling on the edge.

Sometimes the worst part of it is the feeling that Even also wouldn’t like this Isak, but then Isak remembers the Even also apparently hadn’t liked the Isak that had been part of IsakandEven, so it’s not like that fucking matters.

It wouldn’t matter anyway, because Even isn’t here. Isak is here, in a dirty bathroom at some party, hands shaking and unable to look himself in the eye, three sheets to the wind and so fucking unhappy it’s easier to fall into apathy than actually deal with it.

Because how the hell is he supposed to deal with it? He doesn’t have a clue, and so he resorts to the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.

He stumbles his way back out of the bathroom, a zyrtec-pill in his pocket for if he needs a little help tonight falling asleep, if he hasn’t reached black-out state at that point, that is.

OOOOO

Jonas and Eva finding their lives getting more and more entangled means Jonas doesn’t want to go out partying with Isak anymore.

Which is – fine. Isak doesn’t need Jonas in order to go out partying.

It’s still surprisingly difficult to get Jonas’ furrowed eyebrows and grimace out of Isak’s head.

“It’s Tuesday,” he’d said. “Don’t you have a lecture tomorrow morning?”

As if Isak knows. He doesn’t even know which subjects he’s taking at this point – it’s all just some variation of biology or physics or chemistry or a mix of all three, and then a few introductory courses that are hopefully so laughably easy that Isak not having opened a single book yet is justified.

It’s already dark out despite having just gone past dinner time. It’s cold, too. Isak doesn’t remember when summer ended and September passed into October.

He does remember standing on Jerusalem Bridge and absolutely screaming until he loses his voice.

He doesn’t tell anyone why he refuses to answer them the following two days. No one asks, anyway.

OOOOO

Come the weekend, Jonas suddenly doesn’t hold the same opinion he does during the weekdays.

Isak suspects it’s because Eva wants to go out. But then again, Eva is particularly good at conjuring alcohol out of thin air, so Isak accompanies them to the Union.

There are plenty of people there, most standing around the bar. Eva pushes her way to the front and gets served before seven other people who by the looks of it have been waiting for a while.

“Hey,” Jonas pushes at him with his elbow, doing a subtle nod towards two blond girls sitting in a booth when he finally gets Isak’s attention. “They haven’t stopped looking at you since we walked in.”

Which was five seconds ago, Isak doesn’t remind him.

When Eva gets back, Isak doesn’t even ask her what she’s bought for them, just grabs the two drinks she holds out to him, downing one of them immediately.

Bad idea, Isak coughs, his airways and lungs and everything burning.

Eva grins mischievously because of course she was perfectly aware of what Isak would do and the absolute agony he’d be in over it.

“You alright, there?” she grins, laughing when Isak coughs out a “Never been better,” that’s barely intelligible.

“Have another one, then,” she nods to the other glass Isak’s holding.

Which Isak proceeds to down as well. Fuck.

“You idiot!” Jonas laughs, slinging an arm around Eva’s shoulders. “So, what about it?”

“What about what?” Eva asks, looking between him and Jonas.

Jonas nods towards the girls again. They’re still looking.

Isak shrugs, doesn’t look either Eva or Jonas in the eyes. “Why hurry? We just got here, there’s no need to settle on the first one to come along.” If only they knew.

Jonas laughs. “But sometimes the first one who comes along is actually just the one who stands out the most. You just know, you know? I knew with Eva.”

“Oh, fy faen!” Eva yells, knocking her elbow into Jonas’ ribs. “That was so bad! And what you’re basically saying is that I should still be with my high school sweetheart, Chris, remember I told you about him?” But she also immediately cozies up to Jonas, downing one glass to free a hand that she uses to grab his hair and drag him down for a kiss.

Isak does not feel absolutely paralyzed with the amount of hurt that rushes through him at Eva’s words. After all, who meets their soulmate at fifteen? No one does, that’s who. No one in the entire world.

“Don’t mind me,” Isak yells when the smacking of lips isn’t overpowered by the general noise and music. Completely unnecessarily, by the way, because they’re not paying attention to him. “I’ll just go get another drink.”

It’s stupid to feel this way. Isak knows that.

He slinks up to the bar, flags down a bartender and asks for literally whatever. He spends the time waiting for his drink looking back over his shoulder. Jonas and Eva are still kissing, but it’s not the making out they’d been doing when Isak left. It’s small kisses and words whispered in-between, and smiles too wide to kiss properly.

And Isak isn’t drunk enough that he can fool himself into believing that the hurt inside of him is from the burn of the alcohol, that it isn’t from the big, black hole of his heart shattered into a million pieces with half of it missing.

The endless hurt, the burning jealousy, the fucking longing – which is stupid, because Isak never had this with Even; they’d never gone out like this, to hang out with friends and then been so in love they couldn’t look past each other anyway. They’d kissed like that and they’d been in love – maybe, maybe everything had been a lie for Even – though, and it’s enough that Isak is no longer wobbling on the edge but tumbling straight off of it.

The Union cuts him off at one point, which sucks but is ultimately fine. Isak can’t find neither Jonas or Eva, either, which is also fine. He just ends up leaving to find a club somewhere that’s shady enough they’ll let him drink.

He just needs a fucking drink.

OOOOO

He hides away in his room for four days straight after that. Jonas comes and knocks to hear if he’s okay. Isak keeps quiet until one of the girls they’re sharing a living space with walks past and asks if Isak isn’t in the biovitenskap program, because her boyfriend is and there’s a lecture going on right now.

Isak hasn’t attended a single lecture at this point of the day, which Jonas probably knows if he’s paid attention to Isak’s schedule.

Sometimes people will believe what they want to believe, what is easiest for them to believe, though, so Jonas tells the girls that she’s probably right and leaves.

Isak throws himself back onto his bed, pulling the scratchy sheets over his head and begs for sleep.

OOOOO

It’s as if becoming boyfriends with Jonas suddenly gave Eva the boost she needed to reach out to other people. Which is nice, don’t get Isak wrong, he likes that they’re good for each like that, that Jonas was also able to see that Eva was lonely and encouraged her to just say something to other people.

Isak is still very much on his own, doesn’t know any other names than Eva’s and Jonas’, which he’s fine with. To be honest, he’s still not certain it isn’t two names too many.

He still does most things on his own as well, probably wouldn’t even see Eva and Jonas if they weren’t putting in the effort themselves, but for some reason other people have started to see the three of them as a trio.

Which is why when Eva starts to brand out, Isak meets new people as well.

First it’s Vilde who is studying physical training and shares a class with Eva on human behavior. Vilde is… Vilde, which is probably the best description Isak could hope to give.

With Vilde comes Chris who studies pedagogy and wants to work with children. Something Isak probably could’ve guessed by the look of her colorful wardrobe by itself.

Isak doesn’t meet the two last girls Eva has found herself growing closer to – Noora, journalism, and Sana.

Sana is in the same program as Isak, but seeing as Isak hasn’t been paying attention to his studies, he definitely hasn’t spent his time socializing or ‘people watching’. When Eva asks him if he knows her, he shrugs and hangs onto a stranger’s shoulders, yelling rhythmically until he gets a chant going and Eva gets enough drinks in her that she forgets what they’d been talking about.

OOOOO

They have to complete a questionnaire about how starting at university has been for them. Isak only finds out about it because a gets a personal email from the administration, asking him to just fucking do it – in not so many words.

Some of the questions are easy – has anyone sexually violated you physically or verbally, has he been able to figure out how Canvas works, how did he find the introductory week to have been?

And then there are the not so easy questions to answer. The ones about if he’s been able to show up for class, if he’s feeling stressed or depressed, has he made any friends, how is his time management.

How is Isak supposed to tell them that most days he can’t even fucking breathe let alone worry about shit like making sure he sleeps for enough hours and doesn’t let his studying take over too much of his time?

How is Isak supposed to tell them that the thought of making friends makes his physically ill, because he got to hide away with Even for years and not need anyone else, and now the idea of other people seeing him is suddenly ten times more terrifying than it had been when Isak was still living at the kollektiv with Eskild and Linn who could’ve walked in on them at literally any time? Because they’ll know if they get the chance to look too closely. Elias and his group of goons had known after all, and that had been while Isak himself hadn’t been certain. Now that he knows, as much as he hates it, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to remember how to fool anyone that he’s not.

OOOOO

Eva isn’t the only one who makes friends.

Through Jonas, Isak meats Magnus; a mixed-media student with more shit coming out of his mouth than any other person Isak has ever met – and then there’s Mahdi whom Isak isn’t entirely certain what is doing here, because he never seems to go to any classes either. He thinks he’s a business major, but maybe Isak’s mixed it up with the other business that Mahdi’s dealing in as well.

Isak’s glad for the introduction, but only because he’s apparently been sharing a living space with the two of them yet he hasn’t noticed them once. If Jonas hadn’t told him their names, he would’ve been screwed.

They like to complain together – or, that is, the other three like to complain and Isak bides his time for when he can leave. In the beginning, because things are still a bit awkward, they complain about the other residents; the girl with the bioscience boyfriend who moans so much louder than the girl that at this point they’re unsure of just who is faking it, the girl who meticulously labels every piece of shit that belongs to her, the guy who refuses to turn down his music because it’ll ruin his vibe.

Then things slowly progress to sharing failed or successful hook-up stories. Magnus asks for advice, Jonas half-heartedly tries whilst Mahdi laughs and Isak throws bordering-on-mean comments, one right after the other.

It’s easy to do that, it’s always been easy to retaliate with quick wit or anger when Isak feels like his airways have tied a knot on themselves and that his heart his beating so loudly everyone can hear it and the feeling of they know is so stuck Isak can’t imagine it’ll ever go away.

And when they ask him about stories, Isak can’t tell any – obviously, but even he could’ve he wouldn’t have, so what’s the point.

“No need,” he’ll shrug, “I’ve already found the solution to every version of a hook-up.”

Magnus gapes at him. “What?”

Isak brings out a large bottle of something – he’s not entirely sure what, because he’d snatched it from label-girl and had spent ages scratching off her tag, but that had ruined whatever label had been wrapped around the bottle, so now Isak has a mystery-liquid that’ll almost guaranteed fuck him up.

Or there’s the other version where he picks up his jacket and tells them he’s going out – if they want him to hook up so badly, they’ll have to come and see it.

They never see anything. Most nights are school nights, and not even Mahdi is willing to have a party schedule like Isak’s, but on the nights where they actually join him, Isak makes sure that they all get enough beer and whatever else inside of them that by the time the night is over, no one remembers that Isak hasn’t kissed anyone, hasn’t even attempted to, that he’d stuck close to the steady alcohol supply money could buy him and then he’d stumbled home.

Or the third option, where Isak’s had enough before they even get started on talking about girls and excuses himself to go do homework. The most bullshit excuse and the boys know it. Everyone knows it, because no one has actually seen Isak do any homework thus far, and they’re over halfway through the first semester by now.

That’s the option that makes Isak wonder why the boys even bother trying to include Isak in whatever it is they have going on – friendship, broship, whatever. Isak doesn’t think he’s worth all the fuss, so giving them the bullshit excuse is executed more often than he should.

The fact that he doesn’t even bother pretending to study doesn’t help either. He’ll just grab his jacket – too thin for the weather, Even would’ve killed him for wearing it at this time of the year, but Even isn’t here, is he – and walk right back out until he finds somewhere to be, somewhere to forget.

Forgetting isn’t easy.

It’s nearly four years of Isak’s life that he needs to forget. It’s years upon years of shame and guilt for being a liar – something he’s reminded of every time he thinks of Eskild – and it’s years upon years of being in love and being made a fool of because he’d believed in that love.

And it’s a lot of fucking self-hatred for not being able to just let it go.

Isak isn’t very good at forgetting. He’s always been clever, has always had the brain for learning new things and building on top of the old.

So if Isak has to fuck up his brain and poison his body to be able to finally forget? So be it.

Next part

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Christmas 2018

Christmas fics posted in 2018  (Includes non-English fics) 

Snön ligger vit på taken by MinilocIsland, Treehouse (In Svenska, 62k words) - Det här extrajobbet måste vara den bästa idén Isak någonsin har haft. Långa, ensamma nätter med massor av tid att plugga. Helt chill. Ingenting som stör. Tills den där långa, snygga regissören flyttar in i taksviten. 

Hele Norge Baker by MermaidsandMermen (61k words) - Are you brave enough to stay? Or strong enough to walk away? Isak Valtersen is neither, still reeling with guilt over leaving his little family, walking away from a life that was slowly suffocating him. He’s neither strong or brave, he’s a coward. Stupid, weak and easily led, with no idea how to make things right. He’s made himself a promise though, he is going to stay single and finally take control of his own life. He’s going to be happy. Work hard. Be the best father he can be, and he is never going to let himself get dragged into a relationship again. He’s been there, done that, and it’s not for him. He is going to have a quiet winter, a quiet Christmas and he is going to chill. Lick his wounds and for once just be himself. That’s the plan. 

The First Noel by colazitron (2k words) - Even's parents have a cabin in Hemsedal where the family traditionally spends Christmas. This year, Isak's coming with. 

Fucking Bieber by Kollakolan (6k words) - “So,” Elias starts. “You’ve decided to join us on Christmas Eve?” Isak just nods, as he is just about to take a sip. “Great. It’s not really that complicated. The baskets are already made; you’ll just pick them up and deliver them according to a list of addresses. Oh, and also, you need to be wearing at least a Santa’s hat.” “Since it’s Christmas specials and all,” Mikael adds. 

boys and boys and girls and girls by colazitron (2k words) - Noora meets a handsome boy at the Christmas market one day, but all is not she may have originally thought. 

The first star you see may not be a star by Laika_the_husband (53k words) - In this story of dark and woe Isak is a sex worker who specializes in services of not traditionally sexual nature. Want to watch someone sharpen a pencil really slowly, making a long twirly unbroken strip, for your kicks? Isak's your guy. He is good at his job and he likes it, and it pays the bills while he's studying civil engineering at the Met.It's also convenient that Isak doesn't have to actually touch any of his clients. Because he can't touch anybody, and nobody can touch him, or he'll freak out completely. One day, Isak goes to meet a client, and sees EvenStarr, the video artist whose stuff he loves. And his request is not the most bizarre, but the most disturbing one Isak has ever received. 

Christmas prompts by nofeartina (4k words) - Collection of prompts Tina wrote for on tumblr. 

The wish I wish tonight by imminentinertia (1k words) - A visit to Marianne, and a present, of sorts 

Jumpstart by colazitron (2k words) - Isak and Even spend their first Christmas just the two of them in Trondheim. 

What is the light by unsungyellowraincoat (1k words) - That year Mom can’t put up the Christmas tree. 

Santa Baby by Laika_the_husband (21k words) - Part 3. The story where the author suddenly found out Isak is polyamorous. And genderqueer. The POV changes every now and then. I'm making this to examine the poly Evak from various angles. 

Expiration Date by Treehouse (5k words) - In the midst if the December stress, Isak has to make use of the gift card Eskild gave him for Christmas last year. A gift card for a freaking massage. 

The Næsheims by Kollakolan (2k words) - “Well, you know the Næsheims?  ”Yes, Isak knows the Næsheims. Or rather, he knows of them, and he knows that Sana knows them. They have a restaurant down town where Sana’s brother works. They’ve gone by a couple of times when Sana needed to hand him keys or something. Isak also knows that the son in the Næsheim family is maybe the hottest guy in all of Oslo. Not that he has told anyone that he think’s so, but I mean come on, it’s not like Isak must spell it out. They have eyes. 

By Your Side by MinilocIsland (1k words) - Some Christmas traditions may not be what they seem, but it doesn't really matter. 

In una sera così serena by imminentinertia (2.6k words) - Isak has had quite enough of Christmas and it's only December 13. 

December 2018 by imminentinertia (Series, 6 Fics) 

bits and pieces of their love by cammm (Series) - One shots. All may not be Chrismassy. 

Ho Ho Ho!!! by MermaidsandMermen (5.5k words) - A big fundraising School Christmas Market, to raise the last bit needed for that big Revue. It will be great. Lots of local families coming to drink glogg and buy hotdogs and do stupid money pinching games. Yes and the kids can meet Santa. Sit on his lap and get a present. Such christmassy fun. 

one thing I really do need by colazitron (3.5k words) - Isak comes home from meeting the boys for some gløgg feeling festive and cheerful. 

Den lengste natta by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart) (In Norsk, 22k words) - Det er fredag den 21. desember 2018 og vintersolverv. Fruktbarhetsguden Frøy, i Evens skikkelse, må for første gang gjøre seg fortjent til den gaven han ønsker seg aller mest; kjærlighet. 18 år gamle Isak syns kjærligheten virker uoppnåelig, helt til han kommer hjem til Oslo på juleferie og besøker Jonas og Eva på kafeen Eldrimni. 

Gay Jesus by unsungyellowraincoat (1k words) - Eskild has an encounter. 

A New Tradition by bri_ness (1k words) - Lea has Isak and Even over for Christmas Eve. 

A different celebration by Kollakolan (3k words) - “We realized a few years ago that we were a few friends who never celebrated Christmas with our families. At first it was just me, Elias, Noora and one of Elias friends. But now usually some exchange students come along as well as other people that we find on the way.” “Like me?” Sana just smiles at him. 

Times like now by nofeartina (3k words) - Isak watches him, looks into Even’s eyes with what light’s left, watches his mouth go slack as Isak slowly puts his hand inside the fly and pulls out Even’s dick. He’s so hard. Isak wants to worship him, wants to show him how perfect he is. 

Warmth by bri_ness (557 words) - Isak doesn't know how to accept a Christmas present from his mom. 

From Spark to Flame by MinilocIsland (1.5k words) - He'd thought he'd be alone in the castle for Christmas as usual. This year, however, there's a slight disruption to Isak's Christmas plans. 

i wish for by hippopotamus (2k words) - Isak just wishes that one person would want to get to know him before they knew that he could do magic. 

i think i recognise your face but i've never seen you before by monsterandmana (1k words) - Even works in a coffee shop. Isak is on the coffee run. It's Christmas. 

Fotokalendern by Kollakolan (In Svenska, 12k words) - Tags says Christmas but not really so I’m not sure. 

The Magician by folerdetdufoler (3.6k words) - the "christmas magic" prompt 

Two truths and one tale by evak1isak (7.6k words) - Isak ends up in Eva's cabin for a Kosegruppa's New Year's Eve Party. And begins the new year with a new boyfriend. 

I'll be home for Christmas by teatrolley (9k words) - They’ve been in Trondheim for half a year now. But for Christmas, they’re coming home. Or: Sometimes the things you were running from become the things you want to run towards 

Merry Kiss My Ass (under the mistletoe) by TheGirlNoOneKnows5 (10k words) - Working in retail during the holiday season is a nightmare. Especially when Isak has to work right alongside his just friend and not at all crush, Even. Among freaky customers, secret santa presents and constant reminders of his one night of passion with Even, Isak doesnt know if he'll make it to the new year. If only he could figure out who was behind all the random mistletoes he keeps finding... 

The Magic of Christmas by wyoheartsmusic (4k words) - Isak hates his job - especially during Christmas; to be honest, he pretty much hates anything involved with Christmas. But then Even comes around and maybe he doesn't hate anything all that much 

o night divine by thekardemomme (4k words) - This is the first Christmas in nearly five years that he’s spending without Isak, and while he still decorated his apartment and bought eggnog and spent an excruciating amount of time wrapping all of his gifts perfectly, the hole in his heart hasn’t gone unnoticed. It creeps in every time he goes to ask Isak for a bow for his gifts, every time he comes home and has to turn on the Christmas lights himself because Isak wasn’t there to do it for him, every time he plays Christmas music much too loud because Isak isn’t studying in the other room and teasingly pleading for him to turn it down a few notches. It also creeps in when he sees Isak’s present sitting under the tree, neatly wrapped. It’s been wrapped for two months, actually. 

I'm Stuck on You by Twinklylightseverywhere (6k words) - Jonas lets out another nervous laugh. Isak wishes his best friend would shut up. “You two will take the spare room. Uh… with one bed.” “ONE BED?” Isak and Even both shout at the exact same time. “Merry Christmas!” 

Mine egne meninger by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart) (In Norsk, 17k words) - Eva kunne allerede kjenne hjertet banke raskere. Hun visste det var tullete, men med ett bare visste hun at hun kom til å slite med å dele rom med Vilde. Hun kom til å bli gående rundt en feberhet tåke og tenke på Vilde hele helga. Til ingen nytte. Fy faen. Dette kom jo til å bli en helt strålende romjulsferie.  I think this is an Evilde fic. 

Shall I Find No Other by ultimatelawrence (5k words) - Everyone is born with a compass on their body, inked into their skin and commonly on their inner left arm. Instead of pointing to north, the needle on the compass points in the direction of your true soulmate. Even wants to find his as soon as possible. 

hope you're wearing your best clothes by colazitron (2.6k words) - Even's original plan was to get Isak Harry Styles merch. One of those “treat people with kindness” sweatshirts because Isak likes being cosy and he likes Harry Styles and it's a nice slogan.