#yes I make them pretty but also I have teeth refs for a reason

[peapod20001]

Your art trade mark is ~Feral fabulous~ your oc's are all Fab but also look like they bite <3

GAASPPP OHHHG. YOURE SO RIGHT. YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST CORRECTEST COMPLIMENTS ANYONE HAS EVER DIRECTED AT ME!!!!

You are SO right they are SO fabulous and it’s better to assume they all bite than not <3

[yoinkschief]

Content Warning: Nudity (Nothing explicit or sexually motivated)

Also there's a gigantic fucking rant under here about this bastard I did NOT plan for it to be so long and I have this sinking fear the others will be just as, if not longer

Take this traditional ref sheet because I can't be bothered to make it digital right now

Sheet Translations and explanations cause I have shitty handwriting:

7'2"

Used to be 5'8" but you know how that goes XP

Whoag! He's tall! Seem experimentation can go a long way :)

★Strip/Mafia Tord is the only version of Tord who wears earrings anymore

I used to always draw Tord with earrings, specifically dangling earrings with upside down crosses on them, but more recently I've stopped doing that and instead draw him with only a tongue piercing that him, Tom and Edd all have matching (they tried to convince Matt to also get one but he was worried about it ruining his teeth), so as a way to homage to my previous design and because it fits him too well I gave him diamond studs :)

Hearing aid [picture]

Tord wears a hearing aid! On top of his eye sight being fucked in his right eye and not what it used to be in his left, his hearing also is shot! He needed a hearing aid on his right ear and on top of his processing issues from his ADHD he can't hear as well as he used to in his left ear (not that his loud bass music taste ever really helped)

Has no waist, giving the illusion he has hips (he doesn't)

Shawty's got no hips and no ass, the only meat he has is in his massive bohongas and the only meaty claw he has left, he already had a triangular shape what with his big ass rib cage and zero hips but going to the military made him even more top heavy so now he's even more triangle

Screen [picture]

His robot arm has a screen on it that's basically an apple watch but better because I fucking hate apple,,,, and yes it does say OPPAI on it, it's an inside joke between me and my lovely partner :)

Spectator Shoes [picture]

Because I think he would wear them, and it's a silly nod to his constant need to be in the spotlight and not sitting on the sidelines: that was the whole reason he left to go to the military in the first place, he was sick of being "Edd's friend" and not "Tord" if that makes sense, he needed an out (and just from personal experience of having people I know go to ROTC and/or join the military fresh out of highschool, it's a good wake up call for some, and a horrible fucking power trip for others,,, don't really know how that last one happens when the whole point is to get you to cry to your mom and beg to go home but hey, to each their own I suppose)

[picture] Power Core

Serves to connect to Tord's nerves, forming it into power to move his arm with

The logistics behind this are loose at best and a goofy thought I had at worst, but basically it's something like the workings inside of the bionic arm connect Tord's nervous system to the core which then converts his thought energy/brain's commands into actual movement, which is why he has one at his shoulder (to connect the nerves) and one on his hands (to connect to The rest of his arm, think of it as like the two power cores being connected via invisible string that gets manipulated to pull his hand up, down, to the side, and so on, and the bicep and forearm connected with the elbow allow it to bend more naturally). That's the best way I can explain it

[picture] The coat he wears on his shoulders,,, meant to pay homage to the coat he wears in his 2004 design

Pretty self explanatory, but since he doesn't have his OG coat (because Edd now wears it, more on that when I get to his ref sheet) this is what he's wearing, a big ass mob coat with gold trim as the accents,,,, I spent way too long drawing Zenigata's mandatory oversized detective/inspector trench coat to not somehow find a way to bring it to someone else's design

OMG! He nakey!

Yup. I'm very mature.

Dragon Tattoo [pictures]

Ahh the infamous dragon tattoo HC,,, at least I think it's infamous- I've seen a lot of people with it so, lol. Additionally, he also has a tattoo of Jason Voorhees' mask at the base of his neck/top of his spine, but it's covered by his hair so I didn't think to add it but there's a very cute story behind it: Tord used to have a snake (he bought it as a ball python,,, it was not,,, it was a reticulated python, and he only found out when he didn't stop growing) who he so lovingly named Voorhees because he was white with a grey splotch on his face that Tord swore looked exactly like Jason's mask, so, he got a tattoo to match with his pet snake. Like a queer.

✨Trans✨

I will never miss the opportunity to make Tord trans masc I love him so

[picture] Leads with his chest

Machismo or something, I dunno, but he has the cocky confidence of a bastard type air around him and so in later years he starts leading with his chest after he goes to the military, versus his past, more laid back, lead with his hips. And by laid back I mean both he was more "devil may care" and trying to get laid, because he's got the libido of a dog in a heat thinking he was doing something leading with his hips because all the snoody whores do it in his anime and he hasn't touched grass since he was in college,,, boy howdy was that military a good idea to knock some sense into him (even if that did come with giving him an excuse to be even more power hungry and that much more of an attention whore)

Still has no ass

Yeah. No amout of drills can give him muscle there, and trust that he's tried (mostly out of spite because Tom always made fun of him for having a flatter ass then Matt, a literal twink with scrawny limbs,,, though you shouldn't let that fool you, he's far too strong for how thin he looks. Anyway look at how that turned out: it didn't lmao)

Ouroboros Tramp Stamp

Another fun story to tell :) so, back when Tord lived with Edd and the gang, he got super hyperfixated on Vikings and their symbolism and artworks and whatnot (he recently rewatched all of the How to Train Your Dragon movies and it lead him down a rabbit hole leading him to want to learn more of his ancestry seeing as most Norwegians came from vikings,,, if I remember correctly, do correct me if I'm wrong) and texted them about what Viking tattoos they should get: Tom's was the Viking rune for "Wolf", Matt's was the Yggdrasil, and I can't remember what Edd's was. The reason Tom was Wolf because it just fits him, he's got that "lone wolf" energy to him but he's just a dork who enjoys being around his friends whether he'd say that to their faces or not, and he's fiercely loyal to them to the point where it anyone would be the first to die for their friends in the group it would be him. Matt's is the Yggdrasil because,, well I can't really explain this one, it's just cause it fits really, I dunno how to explain it. Tord is ouroboros because mmmmm the snake that eats itself is just fucking spot ON for Tord, and having it as a tramp stamp is the sweet cherry on top, self destructive habits and a drive to run himself into the ground to satisfy his insatiable need. Tord has no idea if the others got these tattooed on them (they did, and to everyone's surprise Matt also got a tattoo,,, though no one knows that any of the others got their tattoo save for them knowing Tord got his cause duh)

An interesting thing to note if you want is that often times people will get a tattoo of Ouroboros surrounding the Yggdrasil, so you could say Matt and Tord kind of have matching tattoos. And for the storyline, that can be seen as important

Also fun fact: Tord's original tattoo was supposed to be the symbol for lightning as a way to nod at the fact his name "Tord" is a shortened version of "Torden", at least in my headcanon, which means "Thunder" in Norwegian,,, but then I found out that symbol has become a N*zi dog whistle and by god this man does NOT need any more fucking N*zi symbolism in his design can we fucking stop with that. Besides, ouroboros is much better anyway, I think

EDIT: I REMBER NOW - Edd's tattoo was the Web of Wyrd due it being created by the Nords, the Norse mythos' equivalent to the fates, the symbol representing fate and the fact that your past actions have consequences on your future (something something obligatory EDDS-world joke and WTFuture joke) but yeah Edd's got this one like how the others do

- Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!

Will Wood + The Tapeworms

- Dogs // Still Bummed

nouns

- BAD LUCK!

Jhariah

- Selfish Hate

JAWNY

Just some songs I was listening to while drawing that I thought fit him a bit and the vibes I was going for, I highly recommend you listen to these songs if you haven't already,,, P.S. for everyone who loved Panic! At The Disco when the band was still together and before Brendon started writing his own lyrics, ruining his voice and came to light to be a piece of shit, I HIGHLY recommend Jhariah, he's him but so much better I fucking love his dogs, his albums give the same vibes as the Vices & Virtues and A Fever You Can't Sweat Out albums,,, and I couldn't help myself I love Will Wood holy shit

Time for an info dump about Tord in this AU,,, be prepared it's so fucking long this has been stuck in my head for forever pleASE-:

Obviously, The End Part 1 & 2 are canon in this series, but Tord has absolutely zero regrets about it - he can't, otherwise all the work he's done is for naught,,, although it wasn't planned; his original plan WAS to move back in with Edd, settle down and continue his operations in London with his buds without them ever knowing cause he missed them, however, they got to nosey and so he had to abort with what he was hoping to have finished (the giant robot) but was unable to due to, well, Tom

"but how come Tord was trying to kill Tom, then, if this wasn't what was planned?" Because it was fucking funny, Kyle/ref,,,, also because as a side note: Tom canonically cannot die, or at least, hasn't found anything that can yet and he's not at the old age for that yet. He has what I like to call "Deathly Immortality", or "Cartoonish/Looney Toons Immortality" where he "dies", but then comes back like nothing happened and no one mentions it as any different

Tord has something similar, as well, but instead it's more of "Unfortunate/Spiteful Immortality" or "Anime Immortality" in the sense of where Tom dies and pops back up like a toon character, Tord is like an anime antagonist who just won't die, like William Afton he always comes back but in worse and worse state (He also got sick an ungodly amount in his youth until his body was like fuck it and actually gained an immune system for every illness he kept getting lmao,,, pollen still wrecks his ass though)

Afterward The End Part 1 & 2, Tord poured his full attention into his mob, experiments, and his projects, the thing he was basically trying to use his friends as a front for before Tom got too smart, since he was having trouble not being homesick for his previous life before he went to the army and got power hungry,,, guess you can't be homesick for something that doesn't exist anymore LMAO, anyway- in pouring himself into his work, he buys an "entertainment building", as he calls it, to launder his money: Midnite. Because he thinks he's clever or something misspelling Midnight. Midnite is basically like, all sorts of things rolled into a skyscraper, each floor has a different thing: A restaurant, a casino, an arcade, a strip club, wink wink nudge nudge, but basically this is where he holds meetings and such with his money laundering

Strip/Mafia takes place I'd say... Three? Years after The End? Long enough for Tord to get way too much shit done but short enough that bitter feelings are still felt between the gang for Tord and from Tord

Yes TomTord is canon, but let me tell you this is god's slowest candle wick, because Tom fucking GOES THROUGH IT in this story man, cause everyone's going every which direction, suddenly changing and leaving and he hates it in general because mmm parental issues of dead parents who left too early, the fact that he's autistic and fucking hates sudden changes, the fact Tord is alive is enough to piss him off, it's just all around not a good time for him and so the TomTord is very Tord sided. He's always had a fascination with Tom since highschool, but didn't really understand what it was until he had to be told to his face by who was supposed to be his significant other 💀 but Tord enjoys Tom because he truly is the only one who was able to keep him on his toes in his youth as he got older it grew deeper and he gained a bigger appreciation for Tom and his knack for always being able to throw Tord off his guard,,, to be fair though that's mostly because Tord relies on his quick wit, luck, and the gullibility of others; he's not really good at long term planning and thinking versus Tom who is amazing at pattern recognition and planning long term and for this that could go wrong, in other words, thinking and planning ahead

Additionally, Edd sided TordEdd, too, because love triangles or something, except they both are like bordering narcissistic personality disorders so it really would not be good for either of them to get into a relationship with each other, not that Tord really wants to (anymore? He kinda had a thing for Edd in highschool at the beginning but fell out of it pretty quickly, which, fun fact, is an ADHD thing: Edd gave him instant gratification and euphoria so, like people with ADHD tend to do, he fixated on it, but slowly fell out of it once he stopped thinking with his excitement about having a new friend who actually paid attention to him), but Edd is CONVINCED Tord is just doing all of this for attention from him like he's begging Edd to "save him" (he's definitely not) because Edd "doesn't have a savior/hero complex, stop telling people that omlll" so that's always fun

Errr trying to think of more to say without just writing out an entire book or just showing pictures of the OG script I wrote for it JGXXGJJXG

Feel free to ask any questions oml this AU is stuck in my head I seriously can't keep it contained any longer

OH

Drag/Street racing exists and is a big(?) part of this lmao,,, I mean kinda, it kicks off Tom slowly beginning to rekindle his feelings for Tord and shows Tom's relationship with Paul and Patryck from when they met in college along with Tord

Hooo boy college alone would be a lot to explain, so much shit happened in college but it technically isn't super important to the story? Besides the Paul and Patryck meeting Tom and Tord thing, ofc, but like what happened in college follows my general timeline headcanon of Eddsworld and it's a lot to explain when most of it just gives reason as to why Tom and Tord hate each other/bicker a lot when they move in together and gives a more in depth reading of their relationship and behaviors, moreso as to why they fell into stuck a pitiful state (butterfly affect baby, ONE action called them to both fall over the edge)

Also, I have a list of people I've based/referenced for Tord as Red Leader and it goes as follows:

Gustavo Fring - Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul

Professor Venomous - O.K. K.O., Let's Be Heroes!

Lord BoxMan - O.K. K.O., Let's Be Heroes!

Bill Cipher - Gravity Falls

Dr. Robotnik - Sonic Franchise

Yes I'm aware how chaotic that listing is lmao, but to be fair when I think Red Leader I think calculated and cunning like Fring and Venomous, but also stupid loony silly like BoxMan,, and of course a menace to society like Cipher and Robotnik

That's all for Tord I believe,,, I'll do more soon I'm sure

One last Tord appreciation:

Have I expressed how much I love drawing people's torsos, I think they're gorgeous

[inkwell-intermission]

ur charabter refs r something that r SO important and special they bring me closer to enlightenment it's so real

thank you im gonna make lots more and this is now an excuse to share more little (Big) fun facts about scofflaw just for u and your tags that always make me smile

1) Scofflaw’s knee is bad because it got busted up back on Prospit when he was being interrogated for involvement in an underground heretical horrorterror worship sect during the Inquisition into it’s existence. He was then permanently marked as a heretic and banished from Prospit, and was one of the first exiles to make ground on the remains of Alternia altogether. The permanent mark was his barcodes being slashed through and scarred over so they cannot be scanned, and anyone who knows anything would be able to recognize that he was marked as a criminal in a high order on his respective moon. (I think Prospit’s proximity to Skaia and being the “good guys” in relation to the frog and all that gave their governing body reason to be really against horrorterror worship, where it’s more understandable on Derse which is closer to the Outer Ring to begin with, it’s not common, but it wasn’t criminalized as long as there was no actions taken against the crown) 2) He’s got several different identities that all have legal IDs and licenses and all that stuff with their own bank accounts and jobs and that sort of thing, and it lets him move around in broad daylight a lot easier than it would be as Scofflaw, he’s met various other characters under his different identities before and thanks to his Silver Tongue he cannot be recognized otherwise unless the connection is really strong (eventually Scout begins to see through these, and it doesn’t work on Innovator. It does work on Delinquent however. It also doesn't work on Doxy half the time, but everyone else is susceptible). 3) His primary motivation is being remembered and leaving a serious legacy, he’s a deeply insecure man and is desperate to be both respected and feared, if that’s what’s necessary to leave his mark. This urge stems from some stuff that went down on Prospit, and is only pushed further by his horrorterror patron 4) He does a lot of big violence and bludgeoning and kneecapping and the like in his line of work and sort of puts on that he’s very sadistic and finds it all very fun or boring or personally enjoyable but he doesn’t actually enjoy it at all. He’s convinced himself that it is necessary for him to do and he has to just grit his teeth and go through with it, hes more scared of being forgotten than he is of killing people. He’s got IIIIISSUES

5) He’s proposed to Doxy a dozen times even though their relationship is pretty bad for both of them and she sort of hates him, not because he loves her enough to marry her but because he wants legacy, and a proper family and power couple and potentially kids would help with his image and that legacy as a more valid mob family, and she refuses for a variety of reasons that he understands but still tries to explain how actually we can work around those and its fine! She will never say yes but he still brings it up occasionally 6) He does almost all of the paperwork and accounting for the Twilight Scoundrels personally because he doesn’t trust anyone else to do it, Innovator thinks that’s stupid as hell and he could just pay some pushover accountant to take care of it, but he actually really likes sinking his teeth into legal text and financial stuff because it gets his mind off of how insanely stressed he is non-stop. He’s gotten very good at it and in addition has read up on a lot of other law, and uses that in negotiations with the Fuzz to sometimes great effect. Innovator finds this hypercompetence, despite the very dorknerd nature of it, a bit attractive but will NEVER tell him this SORRY FOR LOTS OF STUFF. I just want to talk about him so bad <3 He is soooo awful. thank you for the excuse to make a big list

[fruitcoops]

Remus gets injured in a game. I have literally read everything you have written but i'm not sure if you have wrote one like this. If you have, ANOTHER PLZZ

Hello anon! I wove this together with a couple different prompts, listed below:

1. Coops argument

2. Prompt 21: “You need to eat something”

3. Remus gets in a fight with Snape

4. Protective Sirius

5. Coops going home grumpy after losing a game (see link)

Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove! TW for fights, blood, bruises, arguments, and someone getting called a wh*re

Snape’s cheek gave easily beneath Remus’ fist, which was a tad bit surprising. He wrapped his other hand in the neckline of his jersey, yanking him back in to land another punch to the side of his head—that would leave a nasty bruise in the morning. Stars sparkled in his vision as Snape got a lucky shot in and he doubled down, ignoring the thin line of pain that trickled down his chin.

“Break it up, boys, that’s enough!” The referee’s whistle blew as he and another pried Remus’ hands off Snape’s jersey; someone took him by the shoulders and pushed him away from the fight. Pots.

“Say it again!” Remus shouted at Snape as the refs and their teammates continued pulling them apart. “Say it again and I’ll knock your fucking teeth in!”

James’ hold on him faltered for a second as another person skated over and tried to join the melee. “Cap, no!”

“Move, Pots.”

“Loops won the fight, it’s done. Let’s just keep playing.” James shoved both their chests hard enough to send them back a few inches, but Remus’ blood boiled as he ground his mouthguard between his teeth. He glanced up at the clock—3:16 left in the third, Snakes up by two. Their win was almost guaranteed and Snape was still pulling this bullshit.

He skated quickly over to the bench and mumbled his thanks to Hestia as she pressed some gauze to his lip and ice to his cheek. “Lupin, you’re in for the rest of the game,” Coach Weasley said, tapping him on the arm with his playboard. “Anything broken?”

“No, Coach.”

“Then get your ass back out on the ice and score some points. We need some speed.”

He could feel the fury rolling off Sirius as they wove through the Snakes’ defense, shooting again and again to no avail. Frustration built up in every nerve—he was worried about the win, of course, but mostly he was pissed. Pissed at Snape, pissed at James for pushing him, and pissed at Sirius for butting into the fight.

Remus scored a final goal just as the buzzer sounded. Hissing filled the stadium, even though it was a home game. Snape smirked at him as he skated past and the only thing keeping him from dragging him right back in by his greasy hair was the possible suspension.

The shower was cold, because of course the fucking shower was cold. Remus shoved his stuff in his duffel and waited outside the locker room, silently fist bumping the guys as they left. God, he hated losing games. It was inevitable, but it always felt shitty.

“How’s the lip?” Sirius asked when he finally came out, bag slung over his shoulder.

“Fine. What the fuck was that?”

“What was what?”

“You butted into my fight. Nobody asked you to.”

Sirius’ eyebrows rose. “Re, he called you—”

“Yeah, I know what he called me,” Remus snapped, practically slamming the door to the parking lot closed. “I was there.”

The only reason you’re on this team is because you’re the captain’s whore, Snape had sneered. He bit the inside of his cheek as his anger flared at the memory. “I was just trying to help,” Sirius grumbled.

“Well, you didn’t. You proved his fucking point.”

“I didn’t prove shit!” Sirius scoffed as they got in the car. Immediately, Remus felt claustrophobic.

“I had it handled, Sirius!”

“You’re still bleeding!”

Remus ran his tongue along his lip—sure enough, the salty tang of blood filled his mouth. He swore under his breath and held his sleeve to his lip; his cheekbone throbbed and he knew it would be swollen in mere hours.

“Here.”

“I don’t need that.”

“You’d rather stain your sleeve than accept a tissue from me?”

“It’s a black sweatshirt, it’s fine.” Sirius muttered something. “Care to share with the class?”

Sirius sighed as he turned off the freeway. “I said it was your idea to keep these here in the first place. I don’t know why you’re being all pissy with me. We’ve lost games before.”

“I’m pissed because you don’t think I can handle myself in a fight.”

Sirius took his eyes off the road for a half second in shock. “Excuse me? Why do you think that?”

“I just told you!” Remus said, exasperated. “Snape was being a dick, so I punched him. I didn’t need your hero complex to swoop in and save the day.”

“Re, I didn’t even get a hand on him. Pots—”

“Oh, I’m pissed at him as well,” Remus snorted, staring out the passenger window at the blurry lights against the dark. “If someone calls me a whore, I’d rather get the message across that they can’t do it again.”

“Would you rather have gotten a penalty?”

“Yes.”

“That is unbelievably selfish.”

Remus laughed without humor. “Y’know, it’s really funny that you’ve never had this conversation with Logan, the king of the penalty box. Is it because he’s not a delicate flower like me?”

“Wh—” Sirius clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Remus. I have never seen you as a—a delicate flower. For your information, I have chewed Logan out on multiple occasions.”

Remus gritted his teeth and trained his gaze firmly out the window. He heard Sirius sigh next to him and it took every ounce of willpower to keep his composure. The next ten minutes were dead silent and deeply uncomfortable, which was a rarity with them; even after losses, they would talk through the errors or try to lighten the mood.

Both of them closed their doors a little harder than necessary when they got to the house and Hattie trotted over hesitantly when they came inside. “Hey, Hatters,” Remus murmured, crouching down to her level and holding a hand out. She licked his cheek and let him bury his face in her thick fur—Sirius scratched her ears as he walked past. “Did you have a good time while we were out? Huh, baby girl?” He looked up and saw the tail end of Sirius’ eye roll. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Sirius, it doesn’t work. I’m giving the dog a hug because I’m still pissed at you.”

“There is literally no good reason for you to be pissed at me!” Sirius finally said, tossing his keys into the bowl by the door. “Holy shit, Re, I don’t even think you’re mad at me!”

“Oh, yeah? Then who am I mad at, oh great and wise captain?” Remus practically spat, shouldering past him into the kitchen and wrenching a cabinet open. “Please enlighten me.”

“I wish I knew!”

Remus slammed the bread down on the counter and glared at him. “Then maybe you should shut the fuck up if you don’t have anything to support your claim.”

“Acting like this is a goddamn debate club isn’t helping. Your lip is bleeding again.”

“Fuck.” Remus ripped a paper towel off the roll and dampened it, holding it to his lip with a wince. Sirius opened the freezer and dug around for a moment with another paper towel. “I don’t remember you getting hit.”

“This is for you, you stubborn fucker,” Sirius said as he walked over and pressed it gently to the side of Remus’ face. “Better?”

“…a bit.”

The tension on Sirius’ face began to fade; he just looked concerned as he pulled the ice away and checked the bruise. “Your eye might swell.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you actually want to talk now, or should we yell a little more?”

Remus sighed and felt his anger abate. He was beyond exhausted, and still upset, but having Sirius nearby was like balm on a burn. “I don’t know.”

“I’m going to make some sandwiches. Hold this.” Sirius tapped the ice towel and moved to the abandoned loaf, grabbing some peanut butter and jelly as he went.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat something.”

“I’m fine.”

Sirius glanced over his shoulder and gave him a look. “I know you, Re. You’re not going to feel better unless you get some food, and neither will I.”

“I hate it when you’re reasonable.”

“No, you don’t.”

Remus’ lack of response was enough of an answer. The pain stretched to his forehead and he grimaced, prodding his lip cautiously. Sirius whistled for Hattie and spread the leftover peanut butter from the knife onto a clean spoon, holding it down for her to lick. A smile tugged the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Cute.”

“I can be cute on occasion.”

“You’re always cute.” There was a beat of quiet. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. I’m sorry for yelling.”

“Not for interrupting the fight?”

“Nope.”

“That’s fair.” Something tickled at the back of Remus’ throat. “I fucking hate Snape.”

“Me, too.”

“Surprisingly enough, it feels pretty shitty to be called a whore. Who would’ve thought?”

Sirius turned and faced him, sleeves rolled to his elbows. His eyes were soft. “You know that’s not true, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Remus. What he said wasn’t true. You have nothing to prove to anyone on the team, least of all to me. You earned that spot on the roster fair and square, and Snape’s just freaked out because there’s another player who could grind him into the dust without breaking a sweat.” He stepped closer and leaned on the counter next to Remus, leaving a few inches between them. “I don’t think you’re a whore, if that means anything.”

Remus laughed softly. “Of all the people out there, I think you’re the only one who could reliably make that assumption.”

Sirius didn’t smile. “You’re my best friend and also my fiancé. The sex is a great bonus, but my favorite part of being with you is just being with you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Remus muttered, though the sharp edges began to smooth in his gut. He closed the distance between them and laid his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Love you.”

“I love you, too. Can I take a look at your lip?”

“Sure.” Remus peeled the towel away and Sirius bent slightly, poking the area around it. “Ouch.”

“That’ll probably take a week or so to heal. He got you good.”

Remus pouted. “No kisses for a week?”

Sirius did laugh that time, bright and sunny enough that Remus nearly made his lip bleed again with the answering smile. “I said nothing about no kisses.” Warm lips trailed from his unbruised cheekbone to the edge of his mouth, leaving tiny tingles in their wake.

“I really am sorry about what I said. You were right, I wasn’t angry with you, and I had no right to go off like that.”

Sirius shrugged. “It happens.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“Then let’s agree to talk first, bite heads off later, okay?” He held his pinky out and Remus linked it with his own, kissing it quickly.

“Deal. Are the sandwiches done? I’m starving.”

Wordlessly, Sirius handed him a sandwich and hopped up to sit on the counter, scooting over to make room for Remus to join him. They ate quietly, swinging their legs as the calmness of the kitchen crept back in once more.

[palmett-hoes]

Do you have any fan casts or strong takes/feelings on the foxes’ appearances? Fandom tends to use the same Pinterest models, which feels wrong to me.

i do in fact! i've actually been meaning to make a post about how i choose to write all of the foxes' ethnicities anyway

but yes i absolutely agree that the typical pinterest model types u generally see on edits is not how i see any of them. nor is reece king or froy gutierrez or lucky blue smith one of my FCs for anyone

for a lot of them i don't necessarily have a single specific FC so much as i have like,, a general impression of features that i will see on various different people, who all may look wildly different from each other or who may not even look how i see the character as a whole but do have a specific feature i associate with them. mostly it boils down to the Energy i get tbh and that's just a Feeling i cant even explain

fun fact im a tiny bit face blind so that might account for some of why i'm so all-over about this

may as well go chronologically. some of them i definitely have more thoughts on than others

1. Dan

ethnicity: Afro Native (Sioux)

features: medium dark skin. buzzcut, killer fade. she often styles it in waves. she's very butch, wears a lot of basketball and cargo shorts, tank tops and flannels and jerseys, hiking boots. skinny but muscular, with a very rectangular body shape. defined jaw. probably like 5'4 or 5'5

FC/Energy: sometimes i get some dan energy out of janelle monae but more butch. lotta dan energy out of samira wiley. lashana lynch

2. Kevin

ethnicity: a lot of things tbd, but he's pretty multi-ethnic. i like the idea of kayleigh being half- or a quarter-japanese in addition to irish because it gives her more of a reason to go to japan for her undergrad. wymack is from d.c. which is a majority black city for its actual residents, but i also like the idea of him being Pasifika/Hawaiian. HOWEVER - and this is pretty important to my read of kevin's character - he's white passing, and has been mostly treated as a white guy who tans his whole life, like occasionally asked if he's italian maybe. learning that his father was a Distinctly Not White Man was a big shock to him.

kristin kreuk, lindsay price, phoebe cates, and marie digby are all half-asian actresses i base kayleigh on

i suppose i base his story partially on broadway actress carol channing, who revealed publically that she was a quarter black when she was like 80 years old. though maybe wentworth miller, a biracial actor who knows his father is black but also doesn't know him, is more accurate to kevin's story. then keanu reeves is a white passing actor with asian ancestry

also none of these people look anything like how i picture kevin lol. kevin is just like,, a guy. handsome ig. but kind of in a CW character kind of way

actually

kevin looks exactly like young jason momoa

3. Andrew

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

features: fat and muscular, very wide and heavy. this blog is basically all andrew body type refs. medium-olive skin, has a bit of a greyish tinge that makes him look a bit eerie or unhealthy. deep set, droopy eyes; looks so tired. flat face with a low-bridged nose. crooked teeth, especially his canines. natural hair black-ish but he bleaches it light blond. has the beginnings of martial artist punching callouses in his knuckles

FC/Energy: holy shit the characters i feel have Andrew Energy are all over the place. pedro pascal. babe ruth (yes fr). oddjob (harold sakata) from goldfinger. the jinn (mousa kraish) from american gods. gaear grimsrud (peter stormare) from fargo. takeshi kovacs (joel kinnaman) from altered carbon. and i wanna be clear, it's these characters specifically, and generally NOT the actors outside of that specific role. except pedro ❤️

4. Matt

ethnicity: cuban

appearance: matt has more of an Energy than specific features to me rn. that energy is Warm. he has that Warm bro jock dude energy. kind of a marvel hero build, hunky and muscular. very rectangular face. has this haircut:

5. Aaron

i get to cut myself some slack and not go AS in depth about aaron because he and andrew are identical twins

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

appearance: similar build to andrew, less confident and casual posture and body language. less apathetically murderous and more emotive expressions. better teeth bc his mom took him to the dentist. yes also bleaches his hair

celebrities: probably a lot like the difference between the characters and the actors. andrew is the characters and aaron is how the actors actually look. idk ive never looked at someone and thought 'hey! looks like aaron!'

6. Seth

ethnicity: have been going with half-vietnamese. considering looking into various south asian possibilities like pakistani

appearance: string bean build. that's all i have to offer

7. Allison

ethnicity: allison's very up in the air for me. she and seth are the two foxes i feel fine with being white, but im committing to having no white foxes sooo. i would say i generally see her as either half-middle eastern or chinese

appearance: plus sized and hourglass shaped. heart shaped face. taller, like 5'8 or 5'9. she has a pretty fraught history with her appearance and her parents payed for/pressured her into getting a nose job to have a 'prettier' nose. she also bleaches her hair blonde. she gets it done at a salon tho the twinyards do it in their bathroom

FC/Energy: elle king and nadia aboulhosn are my main inspos for her, esp body type but nadia esp in Vibes

8. Nicky

ethnicity: multi-ethnic. his mother is southern mexican Indigenous, possibly oaxacan. his father is mixed white/kayin

appearance: definitely takes after his mother while his father is white passing. dark brown skin, warm undertones. slightly stocky build. tall ovular head and thin aquiline nose. he's kind of just,, the opposite of the twins ig, so like their facial features look very different, which is a big part of why people don't make the connection between him and the twins alongside the difference in their skin tones, heights, and builds. nicky's build and features are very vertically-oriented, with a tall head, narrow-set eyes, thin nose with a high bridge, etc. the twins are horizontally-orienged, with broad, flat faces, wide-set eyes, wide noses with a low bridge, etc.

FC/Energy: yalitza aparicio, not a guy but one of the few Mexican Indigenous stars in the film industry and i really like her features for nicky. she's oaxacan

9. Renee

ethnicity: Black. african american

appearance: plus sized, circular/apple body shape. round face. dark skin. microlocs to a bit past her chin, bleached white and dyed at the ends. she and allison go to the salon together. femme but plain style, a lot of blouses and long skirts, practical shoes. knuckle callouses. about 5'6

FC/Energy: dominique fishback. tracie thoms, esp in RENT. gabourey sidibe. nicole byer, but not in Energy. brandy, for some reason, probably bc i think she has very serene Energy and is a little bit otherworldly. like if brandy played arwen or galadriel from lotr it would make perfect sense to me, and that's the Renee Energy™️

10. Neil

ethnicity: mixed. Black/Jewish on both sides. his father is polish ashkenazi and afro-brazilian. his mother is Black British and algerian jewish

appearance: very... sharp. like sharp all over. does that make sense? sharp features, sharp face shape, sharp angles to his body. he's got what i vaguely think of as a 'basketball build' not meaning tall but meaning very rangy and angular and lean. all limbs. seth has a similar build. lighter brown skin. he has waardenburg syndrome which is actually where he gets he gets his eye color, and his eyes are very large and widely spaced as well. freckles freckles freckles. freckles everywhere. 4a hair but at least during canon it's not very healthy and thus the curls aren't well-defined. he grows it out long enough to tie back and starts taking better care of it in post-canon. wonky, slightly crooked teeth, with a gap between the fronts

FC/Energy: now neil i actually have a ton for. mostly models which im a lil ashamed of bc i do try to draw more from athletes. alton mason is a main body type ref. mugsy bogues is good to see what i mean about the basketball build without the height. here're the boys: cykeem white, luka sabbat, désiré mia, Leo Hoyte-Egan, dylan hasselbaink, this beautiful stock photo model i've never been able to track down

i think about him every. goddamn. day.

in terms of like,, real ppl and not models: corbin bleu, especially during Jump In. figure skater elladj balde. rayan "ray ray" lopez from mindless behavior. A$AP Rocky a lil bit, maybe i just like his hairstyle idk

two more models i think are important: carissa pinkston and ralph souffrant

[ddaenggtan]

are you gonna do anything for kookie's birthday?? i know a lot of writers are and i was hoping you might be one of them :)

I don’t have anything, tbh, because I’ve been mostly working on my fic for the Love Yourself Collab (which you should def check out bc I know at least one or two have posted theirs and I’m so hype to read them!!) and the sequel to mechanic!joon from the poll a while back. 

I will give you this crumb though, for everyone who read Chasing Butterflies and thoroughly enjoyed it the way I did. 

“I just don’t get it,” Nayun says as she straps her pads on. Jisoo doesn’t react and Rose looks like she might actually kick your asses if you aren’t on the court in ten seconds. “What do you not get? Like what about this situation is confusing?” You ask. “I’m whipped for Jungkook, we been knew, and he’s apparently through some great act of mercy also whipped for me, and he’s bringing every single one of his nerd friends to the match today. Which isn’t at all nerve-wracking. Whatsoever.”

Jisoo rolls her eyes and tugs harder at your laces. She always does your laces, she’s the only one with the upper body strength to tie the things well. You think she might actually be moonlighting as a secret BDSM dominatrix just based on the way she handles them. 

“No, I don’t get why you’re nervous. He’s seen you play before, didn’t he tell you that he tries to come to as many home games as possible? And his friends know nothing about the sport, they won’t know if you fuck it up.”

“Which you won’t,” Rose says from the door. "Because you’re good at this.”

“And because you’ll kill me if I fuck it up.” She doesn’t respond verbally, but the look she sends you radiates ‘yeah and what about it’ energy. “Look, I’m just...scared of disappointing his friends. He talks me up all the time apparently, and if they get bored or are unimpressed then...”

“What, you think he’s gonna break up with you?” Jisoo’s tone is teasing, but when she looks up to see the insecuirty on your face, she softens. “You put on a cosplay for him, and he’s liked you for almost as long as you’ve liked him. I don’t think he’s going anywhere.”  

You just nod, tugging at the laces as she finishes tying them. Realistically, you know she’s right. It’s been a couple months since that night in your apartment, and things have only gotten better. He still comes to the coffee-shop to hang out with his dweeb friends, even if he does spend the time waiting for them talking to you now. He still watches his dumbass anime, thoroughly enjoying your flat-screen to do so, even if he gets consistently distracted by the way you lay in his lap. You talk about your practices that he knows a fair bit about because of some anime, he tells you about his nerd shit that you don’t understand but enjoy hearing about anyway, you help him with his essays and he helps you with Organic Chem, and you even buy him little cupcakes every time he gets a new comment on his fanfic. Things between you are good.

You have no reason to worry, you decide as you push out of the locker rooms and head to the court to get warmups started. You spot him, sitting with his group of friends beside where Jimin and Taehyung sit with the rest of the guys’ team to watch your game. Your boyfriend - your whole chest gets warms as you think it, and you let yourself bask in it for a minute because it took three fucking years to get - looks adorable today; big, round glasses, with that soft beanie and a softer looking shirt. It’s got some kind of weird pumpkin(?) on it, with a point and sharp teeth and the back has a scythe and you vaguely recognize it. You’re pretty sure he watched it at your apartment a few days ago, but you also had his dick in your mouth, so you weren’t paying much attention to anything else. 

You wave back when he waves at you, big and excited and cute, and you’re once again hit with the urge to cover him in kisses while also maybe dangling him off a fifty-story building. His nose scrunches in that way you love and you ignore the way it has your stomach flipping. 

Rose pelts a ball at you and you catch it on sheer instinct. 

“Are you actually going to warm up or are you gonna be entirely useless today?” She asks. You glare at her and throw the ball back in response. If you didn’t have firsthand experience with how good she is, you’d wish she was your opponent so you could wipe the smirk off her face. 

Warmups go well. The team you’re supposed to be playing is good, supposedly pretty well-matched to your own, and you’re excited to see if it holds true. They don’t look especially intimidating. The biggest threat seems to be their captain - which is true for your team as well, Rose is terrifying - and there are a couple girls milling around in jackets and over-shirts. One in particular catches your notice; as you look, you realize it’s because Jungkook has the same jacket. Black, with a big-ass Old-English-styled L on the back of it, and some kind of writing you can’t see on the front and can’t remember from Jungkook’s, small and in the corner where logos usually go. 

You make a note to ask which anime that’s from, just to know in the future, and return to your warmups. 

The game itself is...well, it’s challenging. The other teams is as well-practiced as yours, they’re balanced against you pretty well, and all of you are enjoying the competition almost as much as you’re frustrated that you aren’t getting anywhere. Their captain - a shorter girl with pretty eyes and dimples - is an absolute beast and Rose looks simultaneously enraged and turned on, and Weeb Girl has been blocking you at every turn. She volleys every serve you give, manages to block every spike without fail, and you can respect that she’s good at this, but you’re also really fucking frustrated. 

It’s the end of the second set and both teams are ready for the ten minute break. You’re in the process of trying to drown yourself in your Gatorade bottle and really considering using the stuff to summon some kind of demon just so you can win the game, go home, stuff yourself with cheap burgers, and then fuck your boyfriend because you could tell from his face at one point that he was getting worked up watching you play, but before you can you catch sight of your friends whispering quietly to themselves. 

It screams ‘hey we’re doing something really shady and don’t want you to know, maybe you should immediately storm over and find out what’s going on’ so you do exactly that. 

“What the fuck do you mean ‘should we tell her?’“ You demand, keeping your voice as hushed as theirs. Nayun looks repentant and sorry, Jisoo actually literally makes the emoji face with the teeth, and Rose just purses her lips and gestures over her shoulder. 

You really don’t know what you expect to see, but Jungkook hanging over the side of the bleachers to talk to Weeb Girl isn’t it. His eyes are crinkled at the corners like they do when he’s excited, his glasses are half-down his nose and in danger of falling off because you aren’t there to push them back up like he enjoys, and he’s gesturing happily to Weeb Girl. And she....she looks just as excited, twirling a piece of hair between her fingers and batting her lashes up at him as she says something else that makes him laugh. You can’t realistically hear it, it’s too crowded and noisy, but you feel it when he laughs, every time. 

“We should call the police, she’s gonna kill her,” Jisoo says morbidly from behind you. 

“No,” You respond, scoffing. Your eyes don’t draw away from where your boyfriend is talking to Weeb Girl. “No, I’m not. She can flirt all she wants, it’s fine. Yeah, she’s blocked me at every turn this game, yeah she’s kinda really pretty, and she definitely has the ass for those shorts, and she’s wearing weeb stuff that she’s probably interested in and can talk to him about, but it’s fine. I know Jungkook, he’s not gonna do anything. He’s a good guy.” And you mean it when you say it. If there’s one thing that you’re sure of in your relationship that isn’t Jungkook knowing random weeb stats, it’s that he’s loyal. You know it, deep in your bones. 

You watch as Weeb Girl steps forward, cutting off whatever Jungkook’s saying to push his glasses up his nose, giggling as she does. Your fingers twitch because yes, that is your job, not hers, but it’s fine. It’s absolutely fine. Until her captain calls her back and she giggles again and waves, and Jungkook turns to sit and you see it. He’s got that pretty blush on his face, the one that tints his cheeks and makes him duck his head, the one you love so much but especially when you’re riding him and can get him to break out of the dominant persona he loves and turn pink with your words. 

And you know that your boyfriend is loyal and sweet and wonderful, can tell by the way he searches for you and melts into a smile like the ice cream you’re pretty sure you forgot to put back in your freezer before you had to rush out to get to this game. But pushing his glasses up is your job and that is your blush and you aren’t about to let some weeb queen take it from you. 

Rose looks pleased as you all take the court again. Jisoo looks convinced you’re gonna kill Weeb Girl, and you won’t lie; you’re definitely trying to see if you can will someone to set fire with only the power of your brain as you stare her down across the net. She looks entirely too pleased with herself and even dares to send a quick glance and a shy smile off at where you know Jungkook sits behind you, and you wish - not for the first time in your life - that you had Harry Potter powers and could just Crucio this fucker right now. 

Alas, you’re gonna have to settle for slamming a volleyball into her face. 

Nayun looks horrified at the sight, but you can tell Rose is holding back a smile even as the ref gives you a penalty that you willingly take. Weeb Girl looks pissed and also a little confused. Logically it’s not her fault that she chose to flirt with your weeb; and you can’t even fault her for it, because he’s gorgeous and sweet and perfect, but god damn what a day to do it. 

Throughout the rest of the third set, you’re basically unstoppable. You score three times on her, and you take a sick pleasure in the bruise that’s already forming under her eye. Her entire team looks confused, and you are too, because none of you are sure of where this sudden burst of skill and fury is coming from, but you’re determined to ride it out for as long as it lasts. 

When the game’s over, your entire team crowds you to celebrate. You’re a good player, you don’t have any allusions to that, but you’re also pretty much just reliably good. You’ve never played like that, not in your entire life, and you’re thriving with the knowledge that you even can. 

When they finally back up, you bolt before they can throw Gatorade on you, already climbing the stands. Jimin laughs as you shove him to the side, and you decide to feel guilty about the way he almost falls later, because right now you’re on a mission. You straddle the stand and fist one hand in Jungkook’s shirt, pulling him into a heated kiss that he doesn’t hesitate to return. In seconds you’re almost on his lap, one of his hands gripping your jaw so he lick into your mouth the way he likes while your free hand tangles in his hair. When you eventually pull back, he settles soft kisses along your jaw and you take great pride in looking straight at Weeb Girl. She doesn’t look mad, exactly; more resigned and slightly impressed, and you send her a wink that makes her roll her eyes. 

“Hey,” You whisper to Jungkook. He detaches himself from the mark he was determined to make behind your ear, and you revel in the blush on his face. It spreads across his face and along to the tips of his ears, and you want nothing more to than to make is spread further. “You wanna go put on some Haikyuu and break in your new mattress?” 

You don’t think you’ve ever left a game that fast in your life. 

[staliasjeronica]

Riverdale 3.18 Thoughts *Spoilers*

First of all, I have not seen Riverdale in like a million years because it has just gotten so crazy and stupid and I’m sick of Bughead and Hiram for some reason going after his daughter for one stupid thing and it’s just repetitive and boring. Like, I have watched SO many greater shows since I just stopped caring to watch, but I heard that Bughead will break up and Jeronica might become actual friends, and that Hiram is arrested, and shit like that, plus the first episode of the fourth season is a tribute to Luke so I feel obligated to catch up before then to watch it. Either way I hate not finishing a season, especially after watching it for two whole seasons now, so… enjoy my technically not-spoilers since it’s been out for awhile thoughts on this episode of Riverdale! P.S. Bare with me if I have forgotten anything since it’s been awhile.

- AWW NO I REMEMBER THIS THOUGH, POOR BABY TEETH :( He was such an adorable little shit he didn’t deserve this.

- Oh yeah FP is the Sheriff… and Jughead is at a crime scene even though he should not be allowed there (Even if the gang is like… sheriff’s in training or whatever the fuck) Still not sure how I feel about FP, and I can’t wait for my rightful queen Toni to rip the serpents from Jughead’s cold dead hands (even though he’s obviously not dead)

- God damn Betty and Edgar again… she still bothers me. Does she realize that looking up his name might not get her anywhere because he’s not famous and therefore won’t have anything on him? I mean yeah maybe small town shit but like she’s acting like twenty million pages of him and his cult should be on the web.

- He walked in the desert to die? Psh alright… sounds stupid as fuck. He acts like farming opened his eyes to how beautiful life is like… chill bruh it’s not that amazing. I mean, it is, but he’s making it out to be like this BIG BIG thing when it’s not… burying and watering seeds doesn’t make you feel reborn.

- Betty had a point about it not telling her about how her mom can see Charles (even though I know he’s alive lolol we all knew)

- Oh yeah Archie got that one place from Hiram… but that dumb bitch asking how they can honor Baby Teeth as if he doesn’t know that you could simply just… stay silent for a few minutes to mourn, or shit like that. But my boy Mad Dog can also dedicate his next match to him too lol

- Fucking Elio NOBODY LIKES HIM OR THE STORYLINES HE BRINGS. LIKE HIRAM.

- My baby Veronica!!! Love my queen. CHERYL!!!!!!!!!!!! MY OTHER QUEEN. FANGS MY WHITE COVERED BABY!!!! Poor Toni watching her gf be hypnotized by a fucking cult

- Oh good a horrible plan from Jughead that will probably induce Betty to do something stupid and awful and then pretend like she can do it because she’s Betty Cooper… can’t wait…

- Like, they could have tried it out with Fangs/Kevin because they KNOW that Midge is dead.

- YES TONI GO AFTER BETTY FOR USING HER COUSIN. YOU FUCKING GO BABY

- Betty still has that video lol wow what a conniving bitch of a cousin she is. She said she deleted it, and they’re trying to make it out to be a good thing that she lied about a video…

- Veronica my queen,,, I hate that they tie her to Elio’s annoying bitch ass.

- That body does not fucking look like Baby Teeth,,, anyways

- I mean a human could do that lol you just mean that they don’t have a care for anyone. If this weren’t human, they would be like burned from the inside or some insane shit like that… stop being dramatic doc

- What kind of crack… HE TAKES TWO SWINGS AT FP AND THEN STOPS SO FP CAN FUCKING HIT HIM LOLOLOL WOW

- Alice! I miss the old her, before the writers decided to try and destroy her. But lmao this news broadcast tho

- Still can’t believe that they made out Betty and her father’s budding relationship a good thing. The fucking… WHAT? Why? How? Literally stop. Thank GOD Hiram or Penelope ends up murdering his ass…

- FP, THE SHERIFF, SHOULD NOT BE TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAZY SHIT TO HIS FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SON

- GOD I mean I get it, Cheryl needs to be brought back but that would be too convenient wouldn’t it… I’m sorry it’s fabricated??? Omfg “have you ever hugged Jason?” CHERYL’S PAUSE. SHE GOT TO HER FOR A SECOND GUHFADSBFKSFHAKSJ

- If this didn’t work with Cheryl, this won’t work with Alice. But Betty doesn’t communicate with people so she wouldn’t know. Also, there’s no date on it so like… she’s bad at making Charles’ gravestone look real. Like, I already know that she’s undercover with the FBI with Charles bc yeah but like… why wouldn’t they just loop Betty in? She could finally back off and stop getting into people’s business.

- AH THERE’S THE STUPID BETTY COOPER ACTION THAT IS NEVER NECESSARY TO ANYTHING!!! Fucking Betty, you chloroform your fucking mom???

- Archie basically calling himself Jughead… ew… Jughead could never

- I know it’s going to happen but I don’t want Varchie to get back together.

- SHE EVEN FUCKING CUFFED HER TO THE BED OH MY FUCKING GOD send Betty to an actual psychiatric hospital far away, not only because then she won’t be in the fucked up town of Riverdale and actually get help, but because then the show could actually give other actors more screen time

- This literally seems like an evil villain showing the hero their backstory… also Alice gotta point she got the news job because of the farm. Betty we know you never think things through, just stop you’re soo fucking bad. Why does her crying for Betty’s 8th grade graduation mean that she’s not who she is now? That has NOTHING to do with her at the farm??????????? Why does she say “that was the past” like it changes nothing why you acting like it does?

- Betty all of your points really are so traumatic for Alice. Like, yeah I get it you and Polly were raised there but she married a fucking murderer and yet this is all about you. I mean, it makes sense but they make Betty push it so hard that I root against her.

- If I were Alice, I’d be so fucking horrified of my daughter. Like, she has done so much shit to her, and yeah Alice has done bad things too but at least she’s being brainwashed (? bc she’s undercover and not able to get out of her cover?) Betty should not be so okay with fucking chloroforming her own mother.

- Betty really acting like this is all on her huh…. I mean literally bring other people into the plot it’s not that hard to actually make it interesting and share the screen time

- Ummmm alright. Also why would you let her take “G” or whatever the fuck??? ALSO JUGHEAD WHY THE FLYING FUCK DON’T YOU TELL YOUR DAD THAT IT’S YOUR FUCKING MOM???

- Evelyn get the FUCK away from Toni. THE ICONIC LINE “Bitch, I love her.” fsjdkhfhaskjfdhsf

- MAD DOG!!! Of course Randy is taking drugs. I mean, that’s cheating so just tell the news and get him disqualified and you win… easy. My boy is NOT taking drugs.

- JELLYBEAN!!!! AND RICKY!!!! I mean yeah they’re both little shits but uhhh that’s kinda sweet

- Lmao how did she start burning those pictures tho… I mean good for her but like… how?

- Betty… threatening to kill someone is NOT a good thing. Get some fucking help. Like, she’s not even scary. Does no one remember how sweet she used to be? I’d be so fucking concerned for her.

- Ew, kombucha? Cheryl, the farm doesn’t need you for brewing kombucha lolol

- FANGS!!!!!!!!!!! But isn’t he a part of the farm when did he get messed up into this boxing shit tho? DID HE EVEN KNOW BABY TEETH? I mean, yes baby get  screen time, but???

- Edgar saying that Betty is a good person… sksksksks since when? And of course she’s afraid of her daughter, she literally doesn’t care about anyone but herself or Jughead and that is not good. I mean poor Betty for having to hear that but Alice isn’t wrong.

- Did… Did Betty not listen to those tapes at all? I know Edgar is a cult leader and therefore he tricks people into doing and saying what he wants but he never said SHIT to turn Alice against Betty. Betty’s doing that all by herself. He literally said that Betty loved her… he’s right you have given her so many reasons to fear you.

- Betty knows that a therapist is to help people? Then why the FUCK doesn’t she get an actual therapist? She desperately needs it.

- Edgar is actually pretty good with words tbh… but then again he kinda has to in order to be a cult leader

- So no one at the Farm is going to get her arrested for kidnapping? FP would have to arrest her lol but alright

- Varchie FRIENDSHIP is cute but I don’t want them to get back together ugh I know it happens but NOOOOOOOO why does the CW always ruin everything good?

- LUKE!!! 😭😭😭😭😭

- Evelyn really trying to make herself the most hated character by breaking up the best couple lol but I’m so disgusted bc I know that Toni ends up actually wanting to be in the farm… if I remember correctly…

- I mean you’re not a MONSTER, Betty, but you’re an awful person.

- I don’t like Kurtz but I really like the actor for him.

- PLEASE TELL ME MY BOY DIDN’T TAKE DRUGS. AWWW JOSIEEEEEEEE I miss her so much she and Archie deserved better.

- When Betty actually does the right thing (having a change of heart for the good) ssksks I’m not used to Betty actually using her brain. It makes it worse that it’s only because of a cult leader but uhhhh

- THE REF SHOULD BE ABLE TO CALL THE DISQUALIFICATION??? That’s so cheating and that is so fucked…

- Also I love that Archie still has the fake serpent tattoo.

- LMAO FUCK YOU ELIO, EVEN DRUGS CAN’T GET YOUR PEOPLE TO WIN. oh… of course he’s gonna fucking die.

- Ugh I forgot that The Gargoyle King was a thing. It’s just so fucking stupid…

- Poor JB,,, anyways go to your dad to help

[askmyboys]

Redmond Blackburn

Name: Redmond Blackburn | Gender: Male | Nickname: Red (a lotta people have a LOT of like, bad names for him bc of all the shit he's done) | Age: 45 | Species/Race: Human but he has like one or two inhuman features about him | Height: 7'9" | Occupation: Its not really an occupation but he's a Cowboy/Outlaw p much | Eye Color: Icy Blue | Hair Color: Black (you'll never really get to see much of his hair tbh, he's almost always wearing a black cowboy hat, however I will say, his hair is like a bedhead but 10x worse and a bit curly as well) | Appearance: He wears a lot of Outlaw Cowboy clothing, its mostly all dark colored clothing, black and brown stuff, he has those two strap thingies (listen, im bad at explaining certain clothing, but there's plenty of outlaw clothing refs out there), but those two strap things that holds a BUNCH of bullets, rather large ones at that, when he's not wearing his "work" clothing and just chilling or out and about he usually wears tank tops and leather jackets, his pants usually have some chains on them and he usually wears cowboy or combat boots. He has a short boxed beard, and a fuck TON of scars lining his body, his chest has cuts and bullet wounds on it, so does his arms, his back, and legs even, he's been shot and cut up a l o t... Especially around the face area, he has a lot of little cuts and nicks and honestly he'll probs only get even more as time passes. (he also has some sharp fangs, nope not just razor sharp teeth this time, just two fangies that if he so wanted, he'd use to rip your throat out with) | Personality: uuuuuuUUHHHHH... VERY VERY V E R Y evil and cruel, malicious? Absolutely, and its for no reason really, he had a good life, his parents and family were all good as could be to him, they tried to raise him right and yet everything went oh so wrong, he was just b o r n to be this way, born to be an outlaw, killing and stealing, it makes him happy, it made him happy from day one and the love for killing and all that jazz only escalated, he's pretty cold and honestly, even though sometimes he does love to tease his victims a bit before killing them, mostly he doesn't enjoy talking, he's the type of dude who'd be like "Less talking, more c a r n a g e" ye, that type of dude. (tl;dr: Bastard for one, but he's evil, cruel, downright manipulative even if need be that is, pretty cold, definitely NOT a talker most of the time, VERY overly cocky and confident, he does got a bit of a narcissistic streak in him considering he's one of the most wanted and most deadly outlaws there is) | Side Facts: His favorite weapons are usually knives, machetes, he likes bows/crossbows, he also likes sniper rifles bc its always unsuspecting but honestly, its less fun that way... His MOST favorite items are the sharpest ones, ones that allows him to get up close and personal with his victim, he wants to FEEL the blood on his hands and see the life slowly drain from their eyes, guns are fine, he likes them too considering all the bullets he has, but he only uses them if need be really. Really, he'll use ANYTHING he can as a weapon, it don't matter to him, if the situation calls for it then so be it. Now his family, the sweetest people you could EVER hope to see so long as you didn't mess with them or their animals n stuff, they were very kind to good ol' Redmond here, treated and raised him right, they just... Don't know where it all went so damn wrong, as he grew up, he got into fights, bad fights, in fact... His father can recall, one night, he heard his wife screaming downstairs, so obviously he got his gun and immediately ran down there to see what had happened, and there... he saw his son, with a bloodied machete, wow this sounds like a creepypasta thing but eh, not really, more realistic than that, and he had asked his son what happened, what did he do? Redmond just looked up and those Icy Blue eyes, they never looked friendly from the day he was born, he just shrugged and started going into horrible detail of how a kid began picking on him and shoved him to the ground, roughed him up a bit, so he decided to try n fight back, he stole a machete and p much went back and just murdered the poor fucker, which, of course, his dad n mother were horrified, they tried to get help for their son at one point, but of course he didn't like the thought of that, nor did he want help, he didn't need help for just "defending" himself so he ran away p much and well... I'm gettin lazy, but he grew up to be the Outlaw he is now p much, he never even really cared for his family, they were just there, to teach him the basics of life and that was it, he never had a strong attachment for any of em, and tbh even if he had ran into them now, he'd probs just murder them as well.

[saywhatjessie]

DCBB 2018: “Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner” by JessJesstheBest, art by purzelndeesbaeumchen

“I’m Baby Del Mar and I think y'all are mighty fine. It’s time for ass-whooping. Who’s next in line?”

Baby Del Mar is one of the top faces in the WWE universe. But in real life, Dean Winchester is just a guy who wants to keep his personal and professional lives separate. This turns out to be a problem for several reasons.

Dean was pretty proud of his entrance.

Since he was a kid, he’d thought about what it would be like to be a professional wrestler. Not the wrestling itself – the training, the matches, the moves – but everything that came with it. The costume and drama. The character.

He hadn’t always known it was a character. He hadn’t known the wrestlers didn’t always use their real names, that the fights were scripted and the wrestlers went into a match knowing if they were going to win or lose. But that didn’t matter to him. Even if he was wrestling as Dean Winchester, he’d always known he’d come out in a cowboy hat with “The Immigrant Song” playing him out.

Well, he couldn’t use copyrighted music. But he was definitely wearing a cowboy hat over his sandy brown hair as he made his way to the ring.

And he wasn’t wrestling as Dean Winchester either.

The stage was lit up underneath and above Dean, a rush of blue and pink and purple rushing past him before everything went black except for his name in the Winchester guns font on the back screen. It was a little inside joke between him and himself.

“Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!”

Dean grinned and threw a wink at the crowd. They chanted his name louder.

Dean was proud of his entrance. He was proud of his name. He was proud of his image.

He could probably be more proud of his wrestling, but fuck it, he was living the dream.

Dean rolled under the ropes, casual as you please, and hopped to his feet, bouncing a little on his toes before turning and shooting finger guns at the crowd. They screamed.

He grabbed a mic from the ref standing ring-side and brought it up to his face. He pressed his lips to the mesh and hummed the four notes that preceded his theme music.

Sammy said it sounded like that salute thing from The Hunger Games but Sammy was a nerd. None of Dean’s fans thought that. They fucking loved it. Because they knew what came next, and they shouted Dean’s lines along with him.

“I’m Baby Del Mar and I think y’all are mighty fine.” Dean played up his southern accent. It was part of the schtick but it also would have sounded ridiculous saying these lines in anything but a southern accent. “It’s time for ass-whooping. Who’s next in line?”

Everyone screamed. Dean leaned back on his heels, smirking. He was the picture of ease.

He’d absolutely refused to wear fringe when they’d asked him about his costume. He wasn’t Macho Man. He wasn’t Ultimate Warrior. No, his outfit was simple. Classic. He wore jeans and a white t-shirt with his cowboy hat. The t-shirt usually came off, and he threw the hat somewhere into the crowd every match (it was a hard sell when he first started, but he was a big enough face now that the network didn’t mind getting him new ones). But that was Baby Del Mar. He was a classic American cowboy. There to kick your ass.

Dean fucking loved his job.

This wasn’t a televised event. Nothing would go down at this match that would be in any way new or exciting. No belts would change hands, no fresh faces would come up or old faces make surprise re-appearances. No, Dean was just there to wrestle. There to flirt with fans and fight with friends. It was one of the easier things he got to do.

Especially when Cas was in the ring.

Cas stood in the ring in the uppity dress pants and waistcoat the network thought would make their GM look professional. The waistcoat came with pocket watch and pocket watch chain. It was a good look, if Dean was honest, but the professional vibe was utterly ruined by the thick mass of dark hair creating anarchy on top of Cas’s head. It turned the look from ‘hard-working professional’ to ‘freshly fucked librarian.’ Which, needless to say, was a look Dean was firmly in favor of.

He turned to Cas, grinning smugly. Cas’s face was neutral, but Dean definitely caught a flash in his eye.

“If I’d’ve known you’d be here, Castiel, I would’ve worn something nice.”

The put-upon accent sanded the g off of something and rounded the ‘haves’ in ‘I’d’ve’ and ‘would’ve’ into open ‘a’s. I’dda. Woulda. Cas rolled his eyes.

“Baby, you knew I’d be here.” His voice was unnaturally smooth. “You got the schedule same as me.”

Dean winked. “Guess that means I already knew I looked good.”

Groans and jeers from the audience before the familiar chant started up behind him.

“Baby’s gonna kiss you. Baby’s gonna kiss you.”

Dean had thought it was hilarious at first. Now he thought it was fucking amazing.

Cas shook his head, theatrically. “You’re kind of interrupting something, Baby.”

“Oh am I?” Dean asked, exposing his teeth but only on the left side. “Something important, I trust? Not just a cash grab at the expense of all of these kind people who came out to see us tonight?”

It was a cheap pop. A way for the audience to feel like Dean was on their side, even though they knew he was fully a part of this system that demanded their money. Wanted them to pay for their network, wanted them to buy merch in the lobby. It was pretty standard for the general manager to come out and promo the network – let the audience know about upcoming pay-per-views and where to go online to buy commemorative t-shirts. It wasn’t really fair for Dean to call Cas out like this, but Dean was glad to have this excuse to banter with Cas in the ring, even if he wasn’t wrestling anymore.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Right, Baby, like you don’t like money.”

Dean struck a pose. It didn’t look like striking a pose, which is how he knew he was good at it. “I just like wrestling. That’s why I’m here.”

The crowd screamed.

Cas shook his head again. “Why don’t we just get on with the match. Can we do that?”

Dean shrugged, moving his shoulders more than he would if he weren’t in front of hundreds of people. He made sure to lift them high enough to expose that sliver of skin above his waistband. “That depends.”

Cas knew his line. “On what?”

Dean waited, letting the audience build a little before he said, “On who’s next in line for an ass-whooping.”

The crowd went nuts, soon doubling its volume when a seagull call sounded through the arena. The crash of waves followed and the entrance stage lit up blue white and green, violins and whistling playing in another wrestler. “The Captain” shone brightly in white on the overhead as he strolled out in a long coat, a captain’s hat, and the title belt.

Anyone who knew anything about wrestling would know as soon as Benny ‘The Captain’ Lafitte walked out into the arena that Dean was about to lose this match. Change titles at a live event? The fan network would riot.

So Dean was about to lose. He knew it. The crowd knew it. But he had a part to play.

Dean waited until Benny ducked into the ring – no rolls, no swagger, full dignity – before he said his line. He stuck his left thumb through a belt loop of his jeans and leaned back on his heels. He still wished he could wear cowboy boots. “Captain! To what do I owe the pleasure.”

Benny just smirked. He brought the microphone up to his face almost lazily, being sure not to let the bristles of his beard interfere. “Oh, Baby, you know what you did.”

Dean bit back a grimace. Being the cowboy was his bit, yes, but there was no faking Benny’s authentic Louisiana drawl.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

The fans all started yelling at once. Dean caught snatches of ‘You said he got lucky!’ and ‘You said you could take the belt easy!’

To be fair: Dean had said those things. Or at least Baby had, in one of the backstage interviews with Renee Young.

Listen, if he and Benny were both Faces, they needed to make conflict somehow.

Benny laughed, a low chuckle directly into the microphone. Dean repressed a shiver. That would never not be hot.

“Brother… I know you’re not lying to me.”

A cluster of fans toward the back start singing the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. This kind of thing happened now and then, what with Benny being called “The Captain.” It got them in trouble sometimes when you could hear it on tv. But tonight’s match wasn’t being broadcast so…

He shrugged. “A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.” Shouts went up in the crowd from people who recognized the quote. “Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for.”

Dean watched as Benny bit back a grin and saw Cas do a full facepalm behind him. Dean was always getting in trouble for changing lines but he was a performer! He saw his chance and he took it.

They got the gist of what his line was supposed to be anyway. Probably. He’d see what Benny said.

“I won this belt honest.” Benny gestured at it, billowing his coat out so you could see the belt over his otherwise bare torso. “And you don’t think I did. Luck? Nah, brother. Honest work. I’m an honest man.” He paused, letting the cheers ramp up before bringing the microphone right to his lips. “And you should watch out for me.”

Damn. But Benny was good. Adding Dean’s quote into his own line? Masterful. And Benny would probably get him back for this. Make Dean work just as hard next match. Double damn.

Dean leaned his head forward, unhooking his thumb from his jeans so he could slowly take off his hat. The screams from the first dozen rows amped up immediately, knowing one of them was about to get Dean’s hat.

Dean only said, “Let’s go then.” before tossing it, no look, to a young-ish kid a couple rows off center. She was holding a sign that said, ‘Hit him, Baby, one more time.’ Dean was only human.

He circled around Benny, casually handing Cas his mic as he did. Benny had also subtly relieved himself of his mic and circled Dean back, sliding the coat from his shoulders.

Dean wasn’t saying it was watching professional wrestling that made him gay. But looking at Benny, in his tight pants, no shirt, muscly and oiled to the gods, Dean couldn’t say it wasn’t watching that made him gay.

The bell rang to mark the start of the match and Dean barrelled in, no holds barred. This was a cocky move, and not totally uncharacteristic for Baby, but it earned him a swift kick in the face and he landed on his back with a hard whap!

Yeah, Dean was losing this match. But he was going to make everyone in that stadium love watching him lose.

He let loose a wail of pain, curling in on himself in an expression of pure agony. Benny took no time in dropping down on Dean in a body slam.

The groaned “Oh!” from the audience was hugely satisfying.

Dean didn’t go down easily, determined to put on a good show. He did a few of his favorite moves – taking Benny down by putting a shoulder right in his solar plexus in a spear, putting him in his signature armbar, “The Deal-Breaker” – and Benny put on a good show of being worn down.

But everyone knew they were just one Cajun Cage-In away from a Captain victory.

Dean hated losing by submission. He wanted to be pinned, dammit! He wanted to show that he’d given everything he could to the match – for the audience to see he was sweating and exhausted and had given his all to this performance. To this fight.

Tapping out was giving up. Dean was raised to never give up.

But there he was, in the middle of the ring, splayed like a figurehead on the prow of a ship – back arched with Benny’s weight pushing his hips down, his arms locked in front of Dean’s face, pulling his head back. It hurt, for sure. He was suspended: his chest hanging from where Benny had him gripped and his face to the lights, blinding him. Dean could feel his pelvis pressing into the stage, his shoulders straining where they were locked in flight behind Benny’s bent knees. His jaw cracked from the tight grip of Benny’s forearms. This was a finisher. Dean had nowhere to go.

He did not want to tap out.

But he was here to lose. So he’d lose.

He tapped at Benny’s calf – the closest solid surface he could reach with his arms suspended as they were – and the bell rang again to signify the end of the match.

The crowd went nuts. Benny released him and he slumped to the floor, defeated. He rolled and sat up to pout, as was tradition. He was Baby – he had to act like a baby when he lost.

Plus he was cute when he pouted.

Cas ducked back into the ring and clapped Benny on the shoulder. “Your winner and remaining your Smackdown champion: The Captain!”

Benny lifted the belt and the crowd went nuts.

Dean crossed his legs pretzel style and rested his elbows on his knees, sinking his pouting face into his right hand. He watched Benny smirk and Castiel roll his eyes again.

Read the rest on Ao3

[tarons-thighs-ad-infinitum]

Little John Goes to Nottingham Fair

Spring and Summer had passed since the Sheriff’s feast in Sherwood and it was now the mellow month of October. The air was cool and fresh; the crops were harvested, the young birds had grown, the wheat was milled, and apples were ripe. And even though enough time had smoothed things over and men no longer talked about the ‘horned beasts’ that the Sheriff tried to buy, he was still angry about it and couldn’t stand to hear Robin Hood’s name spoken around him.

October was also the time the Great Fair was every five years in Nottingham Town. People came from near and far throughout the country. Archery was always the main event for the day because the common Nottinghamshire men were the best longbowmen in all of England. This year, however, the Sheriff hesitated a long time before he announced the Fair because he was afraid Robin and his men might show up. At first, he didn’t want to announce the fair at all, but then he realized men would laugh and say that he was afraid of Robin Hood, so he decided to go through with it. He thought he would just offer a dumb prize that no one would care to want. The tradition was to offer 10 bucks or a barrel of ale so instead, this year, he set the best bowman prize as two fat bulls.

When Robin Hood heard what the prize was, he was angry and said “Sham on the Sheriff for offering a prize no one but shepards would want! I wanted so much to have another match in Nottingham. If I win the prize, I’d get no pleasure or profit from it.”

Then Little John spoke up and said “No, listen here, Boss. Earlier today, Will Stutely, Young David of Doncaster, and I were at the Blue Boar and we heard about this fair. But we also heard that the Sheriff offered this specific prize so that the men of Sherwood wouldn’t care to try for it. So, Boss, if you want; I think we should go and try to win this stupid prize.”

“Nah, Little John,” Said Robin, “You’re a good strong man but you’re not as smart as Stutely. And I’d rather destroy Nottingham than let you get hurt. Nevertheless, if you want to go, at least take a disguise in case someone there would know you.”

“You’re right, Boss,” Said Little John. “But all the disguise I need is a Scarlet suit instead of this Lincoln Green. I’ll pull the hood up and hide my hair and beard and then, I’m sure no one will know me.”

“I still dont think you should go,” Said Robin Hood, “But if you want to go, then go now. But don’t act a fool, Little John, because you’re my right hand man and I would be so upset if you got into trouble.”

So Little John dressed himself all in scarlet and started off to the Fair at Nottingham Town.

Fair days at Nottingham were fun and beautiful. The green grass in front of the big town gate was dotted with booths in rows and multicolored tents and there were streamers and garlands of flowers hanging everywhere and people from all around came, both upper and lower classes. Some booths played upbeat music to dance to and others had beer and ale and others had sweet cakes and candies for sale. There were sports happening outside the booths too. Some singers sang songs about the old days and played the harp. There were wrestling matches in a sawdust ring. But mostly, people gathered around a raised platform where strong men fought with staffs.

So Little John showed up to the fair. His pants and jacket were scarlet red and his hood was red and there was a red feather stuck into the side of the material. Over his shoulders, he slung a strong wooden bow and he hung a quiver of a good round of arrows across his back. Many people turned to watch a man as big as him walk past because he was broader across the shoulders than any other man there. And he was a foot taller than all the other men too. The ladies looked at him with lust because they’d never seen a more attractive young man.

First, he went to the booth with the beer and stood on a bench there. He called to anyone nearby to come drink with him. “Hey my dudes!” he cried “Who wants to drink with a big strong man like me? Come one, come all! Lets drink because the day is nice and the beer is strong. Come here my good dudes and you and you and you too! Because this round is on me. No dont look around. I mean you! You the jolly handyman and yes you too healthy beggar. Everyone should drink and be merry with me!”

As he shouted, everyone crowded around laughing while they drank. They called Little John a brave fellow and everyone swore they loved him like their brother because when entertainment is free, you love the one who deals it out.

Then he strolled to the platform where they were play fighting because he loved to fight with his staff as much as he loved to eat and drink. And here is the adventure that was sun in ballads throughout the area for a long time.

One man who was in these fights ended up knocking out anyone who tried to fight him. This man’s name was Eric of Lincoln. He was very famous and sang about in ballads. When Little John reached the stand he found that no one was fighting because Eric was boldly walking up and down the platform, swinging his staff and boasting loudly: “Now who wants to come and fight for the girl he loves most against a good Lincolnshire man like me? How about you boys? Come on! Or else your girls aren’t that pretty and you have no need to fight for them. Or your young men are lazy and chicken. Lets battle! Lincoln against Nottingham! No one who’s stepped up against me today would count as a wrestler back home.”

This made the crowd nudge one another with their elbows and say “Ned! Its your turn!” or “Go on Thomas!” but no one really wanted to take a beating for no reason.

So Eric saw Little John in the crowd, a foot taller than everyone else and he called to him “Hey, You giant dude in red! Youre built like a linebacker and gotta thick head. Is your girl not good enough to fight for her sake? Honestly? I think nottingham men are spineless. So come on you giant bug. Wanna twirl with me for Nottinghams sake?”

“I would” said Little John. “But I dont have my favorite staff with me. Though it would made me so happy to crack your skull, you pompous loudmouth. It would do you good to be knocked down a few pegs.” He spoke slowly at first but his anger grew as fast and strong as a bolder rolling down a hill and at the end of it, he was raging.

Then Eric o' Lincoln laughed aloud. “Big talk for a man who wont fight me fairly.” He said “you’re clearly just as pompous. And if you’d dare to step up here, I’ll make your tongue rattle in your teeth.”

“Now,” Said Little John, “Can someone lend me a good strong staff o try and beat the snot outta this dude?” and about ten men held their staffs toward him. He picked the strongest and heaviest of the all. He sized up the staff and said “Its barely a splinter or straw of wheat compared to what I’m used to, but it’ll have to do. So here goes nothing.” So he threw the staff up onto the platform and jumped easily up after it, picking the staff up again when he was straight.

They took their places and looked each other up and down until the referee said “Fight!” They stepped forward, holding their staffs tightly in the center. Then the crowd say the most impressive quarterstaff match to ever happen in Nottingham.

At first Eric o' Lincoln thought that he would gain an easy advantage, so he said to the audience; “Watch how fast I destroy this dude.” But he didn’t find it to be all that quick after all. He struck with force and skill but he was evenly matched with Little John. He struck three times and three times Little John turned the blows away from himself. Then with a graceful backhand, he knocked Eric beneath his guard so hard that it made his head ring. Eric stepped back to clear his head and the crowd roared with pride that Nottingham had cracked Lincoln’s crown. And thats how the first round of the fight went. So the Ref yelled “Fight” again. Now Eric knew what he was up against and was wary. He was disgusted by the blow he’d taken and so in this round, neither Little John nor the Lincoln man caught a single blow under their guard. Then, after a while, they parted again, and that was round two.

For the third round, Eric tried to stay wary but he began to get mad at himself for being evenly matched. So he lost his wits and started to strike fast and fierce. It made a sound like hail on a tin roof. But in spite of everything, he couldn’t break through Little John’s guard. Finally, Little John saw his chance and took it. One more time with a quick blow, he knocked Eric upside the head, giving himself enough time to lower his right hand next to his left. Little John swung the staff like a baseball bat and struck Eric so hard across the face that he fell down and it looked like he would never move again.

People shouted so loud that everyone came running to see what the fuss was about. Little John hopped off the platform and gave the staff he borrowed back to the man that had given it to him. And that was the end of the famous fight between Little John and the famous Eric of Lincoln.

Now it was time for the archery shoot. Everyone took their places and the crowd ran to the range where the shooting was to take place. The Sheriff sat near the target on a raised platform with many powerful people around him. When the archers took their places, the referee gave the rules of the match. Each would shoot three times and whoever shot the best would win two fat steers. Twenty archers were lined up, some of them the best at the longbow in all of lincoln and nottingham, and Little John. He was taller than all the others. “Who is that stranger wearing all red?” Some said and some others answered “Its the guy who just knocked out Eric of Lincoln.” And thats how the crowd went on talking until the Sheriff heard it.

Now each man stepped forward and took their turn shooting and even though each shot well, Little John was the best of them all. He got the center circle all three times and the last shot he was only a millimeter from a dead center bullseye. “Hurray for the Tall Dude!” the crowd hooted and hollered. “Hurray for Reynold Greenleaf!" because this was the name Little John had called himself that day.

Then the Sheriff stepped down from his platform and came to where the archers were and the archers all tipped their hats respectfully as he passed by. He looked curiously at Little John but couldn’t recognize him. So he said “Hey man, there’s something familiar about your face.”

“Yeah probably.” said Little John. “I’ve seen Your Worship often.” and as he spoke, he looked steadily into the Sheriff’s eyes so that he did not suspect him.

“You’re cool my man.” Said the Sheriff. “I heard you showed Lincoln how skillful Nottingham could be today. Whats your name?”

“People call me Reynold Greenleaf, Sir.” said Little John. The old ballads that mention this say “He wasn’t lying. He was a ‘green leaf’ but the sheriff never asked from which tree.”

"Now, Reynold Greenleaf," said the Sheriff, "You’re the best Longbowman i’ve ever seen. Except for that jerk Robin Hood, who keeps getting away from me. Do you want to join my service? You’ll be paid well. Three suits of clothes a year and as much good food and beer as you want. And also a 40 dollar Christmas bonus.”

“Sure! I will gladly be part of your service!” Said Little John because he thought it would be funny to work for the Sheriff.

“You won the two fat steers fairly.” Said the sheriff. “and since I like you, I’ll add a whole barrell of good beer. I think you shoot as well as Robin Hood himself.”

"Then," said Little John, "for joy of having gotten myself into your service, I will give fat steers and brown ale to all these good folk, because I don’t need it and it’ll make them happy." Then there arose a great shout, many throwing their hats into the air, for joy of the gift.

Then they had a barbecue and roasted the steers and drank the barell of beer and they were all happy and drunk. Then when they had all eaten and drank as much as they could, and the day faded. The moon rose, all red and round, over the spires of the towers of Nottingham, they all joined hands and danced around the fires while others played bagpipes and harps. But before any of this could happen, the Sheriff and his new servant Reynold Greenleaf were already in the Castle of Nottingham.

[lunarimagines]

GOT7 AS FATHERS

Jaebum

super protective

“what’s your friend’s mother’s maiden name? does she work? what’s her social security number?” 

it’s only because he loves his kid and is super afraid something’s gonna happen to them

cries during every major moment of his child’s life

“Dad... it’s sixth grade continuation... it’s not like I’m graduating college” 

his kid is the most fashionable one at school and they both take pride in that

super involved dad like he’s at every sports game and every art showing his kid is taking part in

glares at the other parents on the sidelines who yell at their kid or the ref during sport games but doesn’t say anything 

but once he and his kid are in the car driving home.... then he’s talking shit about the other parents and the ref

a protective, supportive, and caring father

Mark

the super chill dad who lets his kids stay out way too late

but he’s always waiting up at home to make sure that they’re okay and that they make it home safely

chill about most things and will joke with his kids often 

the ultimate Sports Father

if his child wants to play soccer, he’s marching down the rec center to sign them up

swimming? lessons start this Saturday which means that they have to go out and buy a swimsuit that night

archery? hell yeah! 

quietly protective

whenever there’s anybody over he wants the door open just a little bit and contrary to popular belief he does have a curfew set

takes lots of photos of his kid and sends them to his friends to show off

helps with homework the best he can but honestly? he doesn’t remember half of what they’re learning in math.. did he even learn that when he was in school?

the quietly supportive and chill father who’s down to let his child do almost anything

Jinyoung

his child? the best child?

his kid just seems to excel in everything and everybody seems to think that it’s because Jinyoung pushes them to do well but honestly? his kid just wants to be The Best

not gonna lie... Jinyoung’s kid is gonna roast anybody who’s mean to them

Jinyoung gets calls from the teachers at his kid’s school often and he’s just like “it’s not bullying if the other kid started it. please stop calling me I am at work” 

his kid dresses so nicely it’s borderline ridiculous 

everyone jokes that his kid’s dressing like a ceo but his kid will probably become one lmao

will let his child do whatever they want

sports? cool he’s already signing them up for a team 

art? sweet his wallet’s already out to pay for some art classes 

the amazingly supportive father that’s also super involved in their child’s live 

Jackson

his child is as loud as he is

an incredibly involved father and he’s always down to talk about whatever is on his kid’s mind

takes his kid to the gym and lets them run around the track while he lifts weights 

the super loud parent on the sidelines that cheers for his child extremely loudly and is blatantly calls the refs out

the #1 hoster of slumber parties or even just parties in general

also pretty protective though he doesn’t want to see anything bad happen to his child

is known as the Cool Dad™ 

also known as the Snack Dad™ 

take that however you’d like to....

proud of each and every one of his child’s achievements... literally every. single. one. 

he hangs each piece of artwork his kid makes on the fridge and has a few of his favorite pieces framed 

the wildly supportive and funny dad

Youngjae

loves his kid so much that sometimes he gets overwhelmed and almost cries

the softest dad who just can’t say no

his kid wants that new toy? oh look it’s already in the shopping cart 

his kid wants to go to a party? fine but be home by 10:30

literally his kid is just like “I want-” and Youngjae doesn’t even hear the rest he’s already saying yes

lots of trips to the zoo

takes lots of photos of his kid when they’re young because he wants to cherish every moment

teaches his kid a lot about doing what they want and wearing what makes them comfortable 

loves the confidence his kid has

super supportive dad that cheers his kid on and is always positive like “hey you lost that game but now you’re hungry which means you can eat lots of food!” 

Youngjae’s the sun and his child is a ray of sunshine

such a soft and supportive dad that always wants to be there for his kid

BamBam

the cool dad

lets his kids do whatever they want to do within reasonable limits

his child is very loud tbh especially when BamBam is there facilitating....

lets his child experiment with fashion 

another super loud parent on the sidelines like hoo boy he’s always cheering so loudly for his child 

“Dad... you’re not supposed to cheer during golf..” “I know but I ALSO know that you’re gonna do great on this tee-off!”

always goes to parent teacher conferences and kinda-sorta flirts with the female teachers 

lets his kid have friends over whenever but sometimes bothers them if they’re having too much fun without him

is sometimes embarrassing but it’s always on purpose like his kid’s getting a little too cocky he’s gotta bring them down a notch 

teaches his kid how to drive and holds the door handle the entire time and says, “You’re doing great!” through gritted teeth

honestly he’s just worried about his kid driving

the quietly protective parent who is super cool on the outside and super worried on the inside

Yugyeom

so shy around his kid’s friends like they kinda wonder if he ever talks

but his kid’s friends still have crushes on him

so do his kid’s teachers lmao

parent teacher conference night was awkward the one time he went so he never went again

likes to take pictures and videos of his kid when they’re little and send them to his friends to brag about how cute his kid is

takes his kid to dance practices with him and loves when his kid ends up “freestyling”

park playdates are a common occurrence 

a teasing father who lets his kid roast him ngl

he basically sets himself up to be roasted

so soft oml he’s always got this small smile on his face whenever his kid looks happy because he’s happy that his kid is happy

he loves his kid so much and is proud of them and lets them pursue what makes them happy and is always there for them to fall back on

[starcology-blog]

Hello there friends!

Thought we would start this blog off with a bang. We’ll be diving into some Starcology LOL.  After watching just friends my Co-Owner of this blog and also my best friend told me that I have to share my theories with you guys. So, we’ll see how it goes! If anyone has posted these before I apologize! These are just my own thoughts. 

So, if you’re ready to go on a feel trip then keep on reading!

Disclaimer: Credit for any images (I just capped them from Disney XD) and gifs (I linked) used to the people who posted/made them. 

So, let’s start here.

We start this episode with a very cute scene of Star and Marco jamming to Love Sentence! It’s very sweet and maybe I’m reading too much into this but I thought it was worth pointing out. Marco is brushing his teeth with his right hand while Star is using her left. 

Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal except, I think this was intentional because when they do the part with time, Marco switches hands.

And they both start moving their arms counter-clockwise. We have been getting small hints here and there about things changing or moving forward this entire half of the season. So, I just find it interesting that they both are moving this way. 

Like I said this really could be nothing and Daron would laugh at this, but it also could be intentional. I’m not sure exactly what it would be, but maybe since they’re going backward it foreshadows things being ‘too late?’ Because they are moving counter clockwise.

Or maybe it foreshadows how things are going to get weird since they’re been going ‘clockwise’ (as friends) all this time and now they might be changing things which would cause things to change directions.

I just thought it was worth mentioning. You can see it in gif action here

Now moving on to later in the episode we can focus on the really juicy stuff: the concert. While I do think there is some meta in the first half of this episode, Collateral Damage, and in the middle of Just Friends, my best thoughts came from here so that is what we will be focusing on!

Not only is it very telling that Star and Marco calls this is their thing in the beginning of the episode, but it becomes even more telling that “Just Friends” is emphasized as being their second favorite song while Jackie says it is her favorite. 

You could take this in many ways, you could take it as Jackie stating to the audience that she and Marco will end up Just Friends. You could also take it as Jackie just stating to the audience that there is a need to read between the lines here because Star and Marco are not just friends. 

And now if you look at the image above you can see that Starco has gotten used to their bubble of the two of them. Neither of them really knows how to be without the other. Jackie is, in a way, ‘invading’ their moment here (even though she is not doing so maliciously and no one is angry with her, of course). Jackie just thinks she is getting her crush or boyfriend to dance with her to her favorite song. It’s completely innocent, but Starco was ready to rock out just the two of them because that is what they know. It is where they are most comfortable and I think both feel the most secure in the other’s company. 

So both of them are a little sad and weirded out by Jackie cutting in. Which again is interesting because STAR cuts into several Jarco moments, including the image above that takes place in the middle of the episode by the water. She actually shoves herself between them. Jackie does the same thing in the previous image by shoving herself into the frame and her hand goes in the middle of them.  We all already know this, but I think it solidifies Jackie as a road block. However, her block is not as big as Stars.

When Star gets in the way it is actually her whole body, which I think you could imply that she will be a greater issue for Jarco. With Jackie it is just her hand, implying that while she will be a road block, it probably won’t be as damaging as people might think. 

But our girl Star refuses to go down without a fight. Again, she won’t let herself fall by the wayside during ‘their thing’ with Marco. She grabs his free hand and decides to throw herself back into the narrative (10 pts if you get the ref). 

What I love about this is that when Star grabs Marco’s hand he is once again taken aback. Star and Marco have held hands plenty of times. So why is this? I don’t think he sees this as Star ruining his time with Jackie. I think he genuinely shocked. It could be for many reasons. Maybe Star grabbing his hand feelings different to Jackie holding his hand. Maybe it feels more natural, comforting in a good way. Maybe he is getting butterflies of his own for Miss Butterfly. But I just find it telling how his eyes stay on her for a good while before he looks back over to Jackie. 

Once he realizes Jackie hasn’t even noticed anything he feels comfortable to give in and smile. And of course, the placement of Marco in the middle is on purpose. We want him here because he is the center of the entire thing. Both of these girls have some type of feelings for him and I think this is where Marco might have opened the door to figuring out that he himself is caught between these two lovely ladies. 

However, actions speak louder than words. That is so important for the rest of the scene. He could have easily turned to dance with his girl here. She even asked him to beforehand, but he doesn’t.

Marco turns to Star, his girl, the person he loves most in the world. His best friend. This is their thing, and he wants to share this with her.  Star is clearly happy that he does this. But they are sneaky because while this is a beautiful Starco moment-- they don’t let us forget our roadblock because low and behold there is Jackie’s hand.

TV is not an accident people. They very easily could have zoomed in on the frame and cut her hand out to make this purely Starco, but they don’t. That is important because it lets us know that Starco isn’t going to just be handed to us. It’s going to take some work and time to get there.

Another thing I noticed here is Marco’s eyes. He has made these same lovey eyes at Jackie before and some people might argue he was just into the song, but I think it’s more than that. I think these two are truly sharing something here. Aside from his arm being the only thing holding him back, he is pretty much immersed in Star. If anything she is the one slightly hanging back, he is leaning into her. Again I think this is telling about the swift exit she is about to make.

But anyway, back to the eyes. I think these are here because they are subtle hints that not even Marco notices yet. But I think they show how he feels. This is sort of a flirty thing to do with someone who you are “Just Friends” with. When they dance in the bathroom, it is not even close to this intimate. Furthermore, throughout the show, Marco has a look that he often gives Star. It is full of love and admiration and I have only ever seen him give them to Star. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure this speaks to how highly he values her. Here is one example of it from the sleepover episode: 

You can also view the full scene of them dancing in gif form here.

Now back to my time theory for a second, when we zoom in on Marco here. The camera moves clockwise for three frames.  Again, I’m not sure exactly what this means, but maybe something to do with something pushing Marco back in the right direction? Maybe indicating that time hasn’t run out? Who happens to be the clockwise side now? STAR. 

Jackie however is on the side of being counter clockwise. I also find it interesting that of the hands here we see Starco’s hands. 

And to briefly touch on the lyrics, it is clear they are meant to mean something. I think they are fortelling of the future episodes and maybe into season 3.  Star lipsyncs I didn’t mean to hurt you while Marco lipsyncs You didn’t have a clue

I think we could theorize that maybe Star is going to hurt Marco, or that she has in the past with her crush on Oscar or Tom popping in and out. Maybe back then it was Star who didn’t notice his feelings? Maybe that’s how she missed it and now he’s moving on? Maybe not! 

Maybe it’s Star that will move on in the future and Marco will miss his chance? It really could be anything. 

There’s also a difference in the way he dances with one girl to the other. Here is Marco and Jackie:

And here is Marco and Star:

One is further apart, one is closer. One is more stiff, the other more comfortable. Just something I noticed!

But now! Marco finally looks back to Jackie and this is the moment we all know something is coming! They zoom in here on Star and then as we all know everyone starts kissing. (Also kudos to all the LGBTQ+ couples in the background! Love it!) 

Then poor girl who is probably already feeling lonely turns to see- 

THIS Now, I don’t know about you but it is pretty heartbreaking to see your crush kissing someone else. However, Jarco isn’t in the clear because they could have easily had Marco drop his hand for a clear shot, but he doesn’t.

He’s tied to Star as well. It’s funny to me how when he is kissing his dream girl he refuses to let go of Star; and the emphasis in the shot is on their clasped hands.

As we know Star is the one who lets go. Her gasp lets us know how hurt she is. And they sneakily lower the music here. But if you listen they repeat the lyrics the two just sang.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” And these are sung when Star is clearly taken back and hurt. 

And then they pan back to Jarco with “You didn’t have a clue.” Because Marco nor Jackie has clue they are hurting Star right now.  “So you went out and got busy and found somebody new.” Then Marco pulls away with a wow and a smile.

But then he turns to find Star and she’s gone.

I think it’s interesting that Jackie can never fully seem to keep his attention. Yes, of course, we don’t want him to be a jerk that forgets about Star, but like I stated above, he turns to her first during this. Jackie got his attention here briefly, but he was going to turn back to Star and then he sees she’s gone so he goes after her.

He interrupts kissing his girlfriend to go find his girl. 

A quick note to add: Someone pointed out the way Star blinks in pain as Marco approaches her, which you can find here. 

This next scene is chalked full of goodness TBH. So let us dive right in.

Marco slides in by asking Star right away if she’s okay. I personally think this is where he realizes that something more is really going on here. At the very least he thinks he made his best friend feel uncomfortable. It’s also telling that he can’t even admit to Star, his best friend, that he was kissing Jackie when he told Mr. Candle about how he and Star were smooch buddies.

Yes, he was a bit immature about it then as well, but at least he could talk about it. Why can’t he talk about this to his best friend? Now Star here has on a painted happy face. She doesn’t want anyone to pick up that she is hurt. 

I think her pain stems from a lot of things. Partly her crush on Marco, but I think more because everything is changing so fast. Throughout this season Star has lost quite a lot. They’ve also brought up a lot of points about things changing, about loss. Minor things mixed in with the wackiness, but it’s a theme that they’ve mentioned many times previously. Now she has to share him with someone else and deal with the fact that she is falling for him? While her Princess life is also falling apart? Someone get this girl tea, a warm blanket, and a hug. Being a teenager is hard enough without all of this extra stress. 

But now back to this moment.

Here we are with Star trying so hard to convince not only Marco but herself that she is fine. That is the epitome of the “This is Fine” face. She’s even made this same lying face before in Marco Grows a Beard.

She doesn’t want to make him feel bad for having a good time with Jackie and she doesn’t want to get in the way. Here Star has taken herself out of the narrative for the time being. 

Marco does chase after her as we know, but she pushes him away. She tries to write it off as her wanting to be close to the band. I personally think Marco knows something is up, but he is 14 and part of him wants to write this off. He doesn’t want something to be wrong with Star because that does make things harder and he has to face that he hurt her. No one ever wants to think that they hurt their best friend. 

But Mr. Diaz doesn’t give up so easily. I love this scene because it gets better each time you watch it. Again there is so much to be said here in these actions. Their eyes and body language really do speak so much.

This is true pain in his eyes. The idea of hurting Star or making her feel uncomfortable or unwelcome is so painful to him. It actually almost makes me tear up thinking about it. He can tell that something is up and I think he’s conflicted because he wants to know, but he also doesn’t want to at the same time. Even the way the line is read (BLESS ADAM) he says it with such a tenderness. It shows how much he cares, how afraid he is. 

They’ve never been in a situation like this before. 

But of course, Star tells him once again that everything is fine. 

Then he asks here AGAIN. Marco is winning some serious points here with his caring. It’s really sweet. I wonder if part of him is asking because he is HOPING Star speaks up. More on that in a minute. P.S. I call these eyelids right here sad eyes. Again more on that in a minute. 

But look at this scene. These two love each other so much. She grabs his hands to reassure him, to let him know she’s okay. He keeps his gaze on her, his eyes are sad, concerned, hurting for her. It’s seriously so subtle and heartbreaking. Star still says that everything is okay and she even adds in a “Duh!” like how could you be so silly Marco and a “what are friends for?” which most of us know is a classic for BUTISECRETLYLOVEYOUSOPLEASEALSOLOVEME line. 

AND then this! When I noticed this I actually almost collapsed on the floor. After Star throws around the friends line he actually kind of jerks back. He seems kind of taken back by this. I don’t know if maybe he was hoping she might say something else or what, but that is what it seems like. Then he quickly smiles, but I feel it’s a sad smile. 

Here, even though he is smiling, I still feel like I see hesitance and sadness in his eyes. It crushes me! It seems like he just wants Star to say something. I see the sad eyes again here with the eyelids. I don’t know, I just think this part was telling all it’s on own. 

Maybe this is even the lyrics coming into play here. Perhaps Star not having a clue is hurting Marco by doing this. Maybe he was waiting for her to make that leap and she doesn’t. The idea of that is just so heart-wrenching and fourteen is such a delicate time when feelings are still so new us so it makes sense that these two would struggle. 

And then Star returns with a sad smile of her own and just AGH my heart!

And then again! Star pushes him away TWO more times.  But these times she is actually doing it physically. But everything in Marco’s body language is saying that he doesn’t want to go, including his own hands bracing him like a stop sign. His eyes are looking back at her and he’s frowning while Star is trying to encourage him with a smile.

She is trying to be a good friend, but if she would get a clue (LOL), maybe just maybe they could have started to work things out here. But you can understand why Star thinks she doesn’t have a chance and she just wants Marco to really be happy. She loves him enough to endure that pain and to be a good best friend to him during this time. 

Marco finally believes here or at least he pretends to. He swiftly turns around despite her pushing him away and goes in for that hug.

Her face here is so sad. It’s like this hug makes her realize that she can’t really push this aside. Now she is being hurt by him tossing around the word friend.  It’s so sad, it really is. Star is such a happy person and to see this pain on her is just ksndkjfdnskfnsdkjfds. I don’t have words for this. 

But she doesn’t want Marco to catch onto this. So she quickly pushes him away after reluctantly agreeing that she is the best friend a guy could have.

She pushes him away this final time and she can’t even look at him. Once again he is sad here. He KNOWS something is wrong, but Star won’t open up and so he decides to just let that be that for now.

She throws in that Jacke is waiting in a not convincing tone, but he goes anyway.

THEN those jerks start playing Too Little Too Late and it all hurts from there!

Star watches them kiss again because she likes to torture herself I guess. But really, she just wants to see her boy happy and so she does smile for them. Then she turns to leave the concert and we all know what happens next!

And then we finally get here. Star leaves and she has a smile on her face but we all know it is forced. Her heart his hurting for many reasons. I think she’s sad because everything is changing. It’s not just about romantic feelings (although they are there and it’s clear that hurts too) but also the fact that she doesn’t just have Marco to herself anymore. It’s not just them the duo anymore. Furthermore it probably hurts her that their night got ruined. She knows she invited Jackie but I don’t think she expected it to turn out this way (As she stated earlier the idea was they go together.)

She didn’t think that being supportive would get her hurt and it did. Her heart is broken by Marco and also by herself.

It’s a tough pill to swallow for anyone. And then as we know that dark magic surfaces again here. I don’t think Star was trying to use a bad spell, I think the green is there to let us know this smile is fake. That her magic is changed because she is unstable, that she is hurting.

Here is a gif set that shows the scene better. x

ANYWAY, that was a long ramble. Thank you for sticking with me here if you did. If you don’t agree with me, please be kind. I was just sharing my own thoughts and opinions and as I stated I could be totally wrong! But I would love to know what you guys think or any theories you have.

P.S. They are extra jerks for leaving it off on the broken heart part while Star literally walks out of the narrative and we just see the rubble of the sign behind her. THE IMAGERY IS GREAT, but my heart is in pieces.

[junker-town]

The worst commercials of the 2017 MLB postseason

Which commercials have driven you mad this postseason? We ranked the worst five.

It’s month 38 of the MLB postseason, and you’re running out of potable water again. You always do this. You always forget that the postseason is basically an extended, eternal version of the Joe Buck tweet. You’ve watched ... how many hours of baseball this month?

During those games, there are commercials. You have watched these commercials several times, and you want to stab all of them in the ear. It’s time to rank these commercials in order of how angry you are at them.

Before we get started, I would like to point out that this postseason marked the first year where we were not bombarded with boner commercials. Scientists have been concerned for years that commercial over-farming of sultry 40-year-old vixens with British accents would have devastating consequences, and the fallout is all around us. Rest in peace, boner commercials. You were good material for me. I have a feeling they will be back next year, though. Oh, yes, they will ... rise again.

Anyway, these are in reverse order, but know that I have a lot of regrets about the ones I missed. It seems like it was just never that I was in a Taco Bell and thinking about how that place needed to start screwing around with eggs, and then we were treated to the “what the” commercial 47 times per day. It makes me want an update of this Onion piece about George W. Bush’s paintings, but with Stephen A. Smith and someone retching up slimy Taco Bell eggtillas the morning after a wild night. There were too many horrible commercials to list.

These were the very worst, however. Please, just read the words. Don’t watch them again. You have so much to live for.

5. Bryce Harper’s T-Mobile ads

I have T-Mobile, mostly because when I’m in the woods or on the coast or in the mountains, I don’t want to have reception. It’s great not to have reception, actually. It’s totally great. So great. Anyway, my point is that I’m a rabid baseball consumer with T-Mobile, and I’m still not sure what’s in it for me. Do I get to go on the field during the games? I probably get to go on the field during the games. Gonna swipe me a rosin bag.

The reason I hate these commercials so much isn’t necessarily the content. They’re only mildly obnoxious, and there’s an Only Mildly Obnoxious category at the Clio Awards every year. No, I hate them because they’re a living reminder that the Nationals fall into an open elevator shaft every postseason, and Bryce Harper plummets down with them.

Check out this unfortunate spot:

Hitting a walk-off is unexpected ... but not for Bryce Harper!

It’s not his fault the Nationals didn’t advance! I’m not trying to pick on him. And I suppose, technically, the commercial did reference a walk-off homer, and Harper didn’t have a chance to hit one of those. But every time I see the commercials, I’m reminded that Bryce Harper dominates in the postseason, just not in the way he wants.

It’s depressing, really. Stop making me sad that we’ll won’t see Bryce Harper in the World Series until he’s on the Dodgers.

4. Frog Tape

This commercial, man.

FROG TAPE EXEC: So what we’re looking for is a commercial to run during baseball games, and we want it to have a baseball theme.

COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR: Oui.

FROG TAPE EXEC: Is that something you can riff on?

COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR: Je ne connais pas grand-chose de votre “base-ball,” mais je vais honorer vos souhaits.

Have you paid attention to the play-by-play? It’s brutal.

In comes the All-Star, with the game on the line.

So far, so good.

Let’s see if Smith can protect his home turf.

Nobody really says that, but okay. They’re syncing the audio with the action on the screen, which is painting, so they’re trying to pun-associate here. Also, I wonder if the first draft had “Jones,” but they were worried it would be too exotic.

He’s really painting the corners tonight.

At this point, it’s pretty clear that Smith is a closer. He’s protecting his home turf. There’s an emphasis on the quality pitching.

And here’s the 3-2 pitch ... Smith pulls one to right ... a walk-off homer to win the game. What an amazing finish.

Wait ... Smith was the batter? Why would the batter protect his home turf? Who was the dingus who wrote play-by-play for a baseball game without listening to a baseball game on the radio and then didn’t run it by someone who had listened to a baseball game on the radio?

Also, there are no exclamation points in that blockquote because it doesn’t deserve them. The announcer’s call is like something from the SNES, where there just wasn’t enough memory on the cartridge to include actual excitement. That’s the voice I use when the vending machine spits out two Nutrageous bars instead of one, and if a real announcer did that, I would hope that he’d be fired the next day.

The only good news is that I learned that FrogTape is for painting. My little guys are going to be so happy and free in their tank now, and I feel awful about the misunderstanding.

3. GEICO referee

As usual, GEICO has a dumb ad, and as usual, they pay for 4,399 hours of run time and a man to break into your home and whisper the copy into your ear while you sleep. I took notes all postseason for this column, and I had four GEICO commercials listed. The worst part is that I didn’t realize that two of them were actually GEICO commercials. There was the Gary on a motorcycle (which engages in tasteless, regressive dork-shaming), repurposed He-Man footage (NOT CANON), and the triangle solo at the symphony (a professional triangler would have better chops than that, come on), and only the last one actually stuck as a GEICO commercial in my brain.

I’ve watched some of those commercials 57 times, probably. No idea they were GEICO. And they don’t care. They just hope to have one of their six dozen commercials to stick in the brain of every living American.

The worst problem problem with GEICO is that they use the flimsiest damned tag lines to shoehorn in their crappy jokes.

If you’re a ref, you way over-explain things. It’s what you do.

They are one step away from a dog-humping-the-leg-of-a-Paul-Bunyan-statue commercial. It’s what you do. And the triangle solo is worse:

A triangle solo? Surprising.

This is what people do. This is surprising. It’s the laziest crap imaginable.

A tree trying to parallel park? That’s a mess. What’s not a mess is ...

Hey, GEICO, hire me. Pay me six figures. I have cracked your code.

No one expects a magician to conduct a choo-choo train. That’s silly. What’s not silly is how much you’ll save ...

I require eight weeks of paid vacation, during which time I will meditate on the pain and suffering I have caused others.

If you sleep in the supply room at your office, you might wake up with a stapler lodged in your colon, and that hurts. What won’t hurt are your low rates at ...

Call me. I hate you. Call me.

2. Woman stressed out about her friend who lost her debit card

This ad is unrealistic because this woman cannot possibly have friends. She has never survived a single ride with another person without getting thrown out of the moving car, as if mobsters were trying to send her a message. Her panic grows and grows and grows, and if the commercial were 10 seconds longer, she would start shrieking like a locust person and physically trying to alter her friend’s behavior by attempting to crawl into her body through her mouth.

The real problem is the actress is too good in this role. I can’t imagine the character in scenarios that actually matter.

That mole looks weird to me. Shouldn’t you be worried about that mole? It seems like it’s an odd shape. Such an odd shape. Do you know the ABCDEs of melanoma? That’s asymmetry, border, color, diameter, and evolution, and that one has asymmetry, at least, and I’m starting to think the color is off. Don’t you think the color is off? You should get that checked out. I’m going to drive you to the dermatologist. I’m going to get you there right now. Actually, I’m just going to pull over and bite the mole off your arm with my filed, pointy teeth, and then I will bathe in your incurious blood. Because you should get that checked out.

The sneaky worst part is the friend, who doesn’t care that she lost her debit card. Do you know how annoying it is to lose a debit card? Oh, man, it’s the worst. It upends your life for at least three or four days. You have to start carrying way more cash around than you’re used to. You have to use checks like you’re a steampunk version of yourself. And even after your card arrives, you’re punched in the groin two months later when you realize that you used the old card to autopay your water bill, and now you can’t shower before your date.

This woman is like, “Oh, ha ha, I’ll just turn the card off and sit on hold for a half-hour to get a new card later. Good thing I’m on vacation, where it’s super convenient to be carrying around $800 in cash at all times. Maybe I can have them get that to me in nickels,” and I don’t like her obliviousness.

But at least she’s not her friend.

1. Sweet Caroline

This could be spots one through five, and no one would blink. Everyone hates this commercial. Neil Diamond wants to throw a sequined flip-flop through the screen whenever he sees it. Even people from Boston think they’ve gone too far. It’s a godless commercial of the damned, and no one will be spared.

The only thing I can think of is that Hyundai has a very specific demographic, but they didn’t know how to reach it.

AD EXEC 1: “Hyundai: A car for assholes, by assholes.”

AD EXEC 2: I keep telling you, we can’t say that.

AD EXEC 1: “You’re an asshole. Drive the car that’s made for assholes.”

AD EXEC 2: We can’t even bleep it out! Move on!

AD EXEC 1: “If you’re an asshole, you don’t need to spend extra money for a BMW. Hyundai has you covered, asshole.”

AD EXEC 2: Stop it! This isn’t helping!

AD EXEC 1: WELL I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

Then, after long, sleepless nights, an epiphany. They’ll just show assholes doing an unbelievably asshole thing and let the viewer decode it.

Imagine the kind of asshole who would sing that loud with the window down. Any song. I’m partial to “Runnin’ with the Devil” because I have my David Lee Roth yowls down, but, dammit, I don’t share that with the world. My window is up, and when I’m at a stoplight, I quiet the hell down. It’s only polite.

Now imagine the asshole who still isn’t sick of “Sweet Caroline.” It’s a great song. It’s also ruined. Move on to “Cracklin’ Rosie” with the rest of us, and keep Jimmy Fallon away from it. There is something fundamentally broken with someone who says, “Oooh! ‘Sweet Caroline’!” in 2017, and you should run away from them.

Now imagine the asshole who would sing “Sweet Caroline” that loudly in traffic with the window down.

Now imagine two of them at the same time.

That isn’t a traffic jam. That’s a terrorist cell. But I guess I shouldn’t be upset at Hyundai. They looked around, and they realized that there are more assholes in 2017 than at any point in history, and assholes buy cars, too. It’s just good business.

This asshole, however, will avoid Hyundai for the rest of his life on general principle. Even in a sea of bad ads, this one is the absolute worst. Bad ads never seemed so bad.

(SO BAD! SO BAD!).

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