#yelling lmaooooooo
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greghatecrimes Ā· 4 months ago
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me: she got the autism resting bitch face
@willowpelt : mfw i'm gonna kill this guy AND his dog
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navnae Ā· 2 years ago
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I like to imagine that when Steve is trying to talk and someone interrupts him Eddie goes bat shit crazy. Eddie makes his voice heard throughout the entire room to make sure everyone knows that Steve is talking so ā€œshut the fuck upā€ and obviously Steve loves him for it because in the end his message is heard :)
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surging-eyes-seeing-through Ā· 29 days ago
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If only hanging still existed..though for you, you deserve worse than what the courts allow
You smile as you talk about her death
You relished stabbing her, didn't you?
You loved it.
You killed her and you enjoyed it.
Didn't you?
(To murderpollo)
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"I mean... that's the default sentence for murder convictions. That's what it's always been. And... no, I..."
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"I... I didn't..."
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tkachukisms Ā· 1 month ago
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"andā€”sam bennett, as you know, did not hesitate," resident rabid dog <3
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chibishortdeath Ā· 10 months ago
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Started playing Fear and Hunger recently and this guy is pretty silly. I like that he likes bugs, thatā€™s a green flag in my book, bugs are great.
Nothing in this post in particular is mature, but the game itself is, itā€™s a pretty dark horror game, so Iā€™ll be putting some content warnings in the tags so any talk about the game on my account can be filtered out easier!
Some thoughts about the game under a cut :3
I havenā€™t played as Enki tho, I picked Cahara because heā€™s easier and itā€™s my first playthrough, and heā€™s pretty cool too. I really love the character and monster designs in this game. The art is super cool :3. Iā€™ve had the worst luck this run tho oh my god; I started the game took like two steps and immediately got blindsighted by three dogs. All the enemies in the first left entrance area spawned in the first room. Two elite guards spawned in the room past the prisons instead of the usual one. Moonless would not spawn for like a solid few reloads and then ended up on the bottom of the map instead of the top where they usually are. I talked to Nosramus (love them, theyļæ½ļæ½re great, they were off screen the whole conversation tho whoops) and immediately afterwards got the crow mauler text and had to leave the room. Got Dā€™arce and promptly ran into a yellow mage and lost my arm! Itā€™s been wild and Iā€™m even just playing on easy mode šŸ’€šŸ’€šŸ’€!!! My computer also kinda sucks and lags sometimes, but yeah! The game is fun!!!!! I have no idea how far I am in it, but Iā€™m almost to where Leā€™garde is captured. My whole strategy has been fuck around and find out and itā€™s working XD!!! I kinda expected it to be scarier, but that might be because Iā€™m a little used to horror as a genre in general, but itā€™s a nice balance of spooky atmosphere and usual RPG action stuff in a way that comes off sincere and not like edgy for the sake of being edgy if that makes sense. Itā€™s cool :3
Anyway thereā€™s a lot of games Iā€™ve started recently and havenā€™t finished so I guess Iā€™ll be playing those for a while. I still need to beat CV64, Iā€™m just currently stuck on the uh gear platforming section with the bomb. If you know, you know šŸ’€šŸ’€šŸ’€. Itā€™s hard. I also have to beat Curse of Darkness, but Iā€™m really close to the end in that one Iā€™m just getting all the random side rooms and stuff. Raising more innocent devils besides my main team just to be able to open a door is a little tedious tbh, but eh itā€™s an excuse to play the game for longer so Iā€™ll take it. But yeah, hopefully life actually lets me beat all these games so I can talk about them more (TwT ;).
#fear and hunger#funger#fear and hunger 1#enki ankarian#fear and hunger enki#f&h enki#f&h#f&h fanart#art post#yippie! gaming moment#my laptop SUCKS though ong#sometimes it just makes loud static sounds whenever it needs an update at random times#I have a video of it yelling at me to update it in the middle of when I was playing funger like shut up I am going to update you after this#also the lag makes it really really hard to enter doors help meā€”#Iā€™ll press the arrow key once and Cahara (whom Iā€™ve named TheRizzler) will take TWO STEPS#I gotta do all the extra bullshit to accommodate my dumbass former highschool laptopā€™s antics like šŸ’€šŸ’€šŸ’€#hereā€™s to hoping it doesnā€™t suddenly lose sound on me like it used to lmaooooooo#yeah the game is fun tho ong I have no idea what Iā€™m doing šŸ˜Ž#my guy TheRizzler has died of infection and bleeding a lot cause I couldnā€™t find the items to cure it lmao#once I do manage to beat the game eventually Iā€™ll probably play Enki next even though heā€™s like a bad beginner choice cause heā€™s silly!!!#I found out recently I have enough stuff to closet cosplay him and did that a while back and the fit slays honestly#if I ever get comfortable enough to show my face on here I might post about it but for now ehhhhhh#tw horror#tw horror game#cw horror#cw fear and hunger#incoherent rambling#this game is also making me wanna work on my game too like#Iā€™m stuck in the process of making it cause I canā€™t decide thematically if I want a battle system and enemies or not#and also map making is hard and tedious aughhh I will do it for the silly ocs tho rahhhhhh funger bestow upon me inspiration pls
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majimassqueaktoy Ā· 2 years ago
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I'm going to tell Majima you're cheating on him with Saejima
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raylangivins Ā· 1 year ago
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wait i didnā€™t know the red white and royal blue tsn lore was because the author wrote CARRY IT IN MY HEART sdjhdkdjsfs wild.
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telomirage Ā· 6 months ago
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"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" - friends at the table: palisade without context
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doctorwormcore Ā· 7 months ago
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anyway I'm watching chess tonight lmaooooo bc I was going fERAL in the car to Bangkok. I know it's such a misanthropic song but I was having such a shithouse day that I was like SCREAMING as I drove lmao.
My poor little brother was like šŸ‘šŸ‘„šŸ‘
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roseband Ā· 1 year ago
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lmfao i work in apparel and didn't realize it's nyfw that's why every idol is here
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stormclawponyrises Ā· 2 years ago
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there's nothing like having grand secrets you can't even tell your closest most trusted loved ones
not because like, it's bad or anything but you have an anxiety disorder and telling people things is the worst ever
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periphrasis Ā· 2 years ago
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???????
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idkmynameiskat Ā· 6 months ago
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Some guy just let his shopping cart roll and slam into the side of my car not realizing i was in it and then tried to get into his car like nothing happened.
Yā€™all when I tell you I FLEW out of my car to confront his bitch ass and started yelling at him and he pulled away so fast and proceeded to flick me off and call me a ā€œMexican hoeā€ lmaooooooo I cannot stop laughing šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­
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tilthedayidice Ā· 8 months ago
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I want to yell at someone about this and since you put together that list of mods for bg3 to let you be fat I think you might enjoy it. Pokemon Go just had an update for trainer avatars and you can now be fat. Like properly fat and not just a little curvy. I am so happy I get to make a character that looks a lot more like me now.
Wait you're shitting me, pokemon is finally letting you be fat????????
I just tried to look it up and remembered I'm bad at googling things when all I got was inflation kink pokemon lmaooooooo
That's so fucking awesome dude, I'm happy you can make your person the way you want to now :)
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trashlie Ā· 1 year ago
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ILY FP 231
ALRIGHTY KIDS WHOā€™S READY FOR STALKYOO WEEKEND WHOā€™S READY FOR ME TO TALK NONSTOP ABOUT ILY AND TENSION AND FEELINGS AND EXECUTION AND SUBTEXT Iā€™M RARING TO GO picture me frothing at the mouth rattling the bars of my cage because thatā€™s been me and that WILL remain me!Ā 
Look Iā€™m about to choke out 246 different posts but Iā€™m going to do my best to try to keep this one on topic... but we know how I get so uhhhh. Brace yourselves lmaoĀ 
This episode is just CATNIP for me, and I know I keep saying that but forgive me, everything weā€™ve been getting in these arcs is jus tailor-made, itā€™s the stuff I feast on, itā€™s got me scurrying up walls like a lil lizard chewing on the rafters shrieking like a banshee. I am FED and I am addicted and I WANT MORE!!!!!!!Ā 
Nana + Shinae is just unhinged chaos I was completely unprepared for and getting to see them play out more in this episode is a HOOT. I say this with affection, but I am SO GLAD sheā€™s not MY grandma cos WOW I, too, would be so embarrassed. (Actually she reminds me a lot of my mom, pls understand the embarrassment I have endured at her hand!) Shinae and Nana bonding over their mutual dislike for Rand was SO funny - like oh shit wait you donā€™t like that old geezer OR that witch? Oh you have TASTE (also thereā€™s a subtle little... dig if we want to call it thatĀ ā€œOh I like this oneā€ [eyes]). All the while Nol just sits by watching with that EXPRESSION LMAOĀ 
In fact, all of Nolā€™s expressions are SO funny and SO good! I cannot get over his deeply mortified blushing when Nana called the headband hisĀ ā€œcomfort headbandā€ and pretty much aired that he was so upset that he was fiddling with it lmao LIKE COME ON (BUT ALSO HER INSINUATIONS? NANA U NASTY FREAK LMAOOOOOOO implying heā€™d done something unholy with it I SIMPLY CANNOT) His expression as he fucking!!! Throws!!!!! His blanket over her with his lil eye buggin out? PURE COMEDY I LOVE ITĀ 
But obviously the meat and potatoes of this episode is the Shinae Nol confrontation - and the elephant in the room. Nol says so much while saying so little - the subtext is off the charts and itā€™s INSANE to me that they are just.... confessing between the lines lmaoĀ 
Let me get this out of the way, my favorite point to yell about: Nol cannot resist Shinae. He tries and he always fails. He is so weak in the face of her - and now he finally understands why. She doesnā€™t seem to realize it, but she manages to elicit truth out of him, she keeps him rooted to the spot. Heā€™ll purposefully distance himself from her - angle away, sit away - but he still ends up angled in towards her, drawn in. She gets to him in a way that, as far as we can tell, no one else can. Itā€™s what made it so difficult for him to actually part with her - why he stumbled and clutched her before he finally snipped the cord, why he had to block her and when she got around that (her message in his spam) he had to drown it out with alcohol. Her gravitational pull on him is so great and he is now aware of it.Ā 
I think he did have every intention to talk to her. Maybe he wasnā€™t going to be as open as we hope. He seemed like he wanted to at least try to clear something up. But his tune completely changed after she brought up Dieter, after she made him realize that Dieter saw it all, that he knew what Nol knows. Ngl I find this simultaneously funny and frustrating because it DOES put them in such a precarious position and Shinae is just SO unaware of it yet!!!!Ā 
Nol knows that when itā€™s just them, things cease to matter. Itā€™s the way he phrases things - like how he talks about when they thought everyone was asleep, because it was that cloak of secrecy that allowed him to be so bold. It was the belief that the whole world was asleep and they were alone in their bubble, no thoughts, nothing else, acting on their whims. He knows he made a move on her, and he knows it was intentional, and it would never have happened if Dieter and Soushi were awake. But thatā€™s the thing about when Nol is alone with Shinae - he seems to forget everything else. She disarms him and he acts on his whims.Ā 
The range of his expression is so good here - going from guarded and cautious to the moment heā€™s putting the dots together and he closes his eyes and screws up his face. Nol isnā€™t an asshole - he knows what Dieter must be feeling, what it must be like to have witnessed that, to listen in on that. Shinae may not have processed how loaded it was, but Nol can see it easily from Dieterā€™s perspective.Ā 
And hereā€™s the thing about Dieter, too. Heā€™s not a fool, he knows what heā€™s up against. I donā€™t mean it in that heā€™s competing with Nol, really, but we know he compares his relationship with Shinae to other peoplesā€™ relationships with her. Weā€™ve seen him voice his insecurity to Minhyuk - that he doesnā€™t have with her what Nol does. When he told Shinae she loves Nol, he obviously meant it as a friend, the way he does - but I still think he was voicing a fear that he already had in his heart. Like Nol, though, Dieter isnā€™t good at resisting Shinae, and he lets his hope build up when he knows better. Dieter knew he was playing with fire.Ā 
That doesnā€™t make it hurt any less, though - to basically have it confirmed almost behind your back. Dieter can see it for what it was - not just the way Nol was acting, the way he looked at her, the way he literally put the moves on her lol but it was the way she received it, the way she flusters under his gaze. It was how she stayed at his side the whole time, how her concern for him outshines her need for sleep or food.Ā 
Nolā€™s guilt is SO strong, it permeates this episode, but I think itā€™s also very much twisted with his fear. Itā€™s easier to use the guilt, to frame around that, because in his mind he fucks things up all the time, he makes things worse, his existence creates more problems. I love that Shinae calls him out on the fact that itā€™s not his fault that his plan to get her and Dieter together didnā€™t work because itā€™s true. While heā€™s not wrong to some degree - pushing Dieter and Shinae to be friends does kind of prolong the pain, at the end of the day, they all make their choices. Dieter chose to collect those moments with Shinae knowing they were supposed to be strictly platonic, everything as friends. Shinae still chose to confide in him, to open up, to let him in. Just because Nol pushed the friendship it doesnā€™t mean they had no agency in the matter.Ā 
But obviously the real issue is not that he pushed them, that it draws out the pain for Dieter. Itā€™s that he did all of that and in the end, he was the one who hurt him the most. It wasnā€™t that Shinae didnā€™t reciprocate - it was that Nol has feelings, too.Ā 
Now, I want to make a point here that Iā€™m sure weā€™re all on the same page about. No one is reallyĀ ā€œat faultā€ here. Itā€™s not like anyone has done anything wrong. Sure we can argue that Shinae has gotten Dieterā€™s hopes up unintentionally. Sure we can argue that liking someone your friend likes is bad. But human feelings are messy and donā€™t exist in a vacuum of good vs bad. The whole thing about dibs is so gross in general - it denies someone agency and instead rests on those who like them. Is Nol a bad friend for falling for someone his friend also likes? Is Shinae a bad person for falling for the friend of the guy who likes her? Obviously there are things that need to be cleared up - she needs to sort out her feelings for them, but the point remains. No one is at fault.Ā 
But that doesnā€™t mean Nol wonā€™t feel guilty, wonā€™t feel like an asshole for finding a new way to hurt the people he cares about.Ā 
I know this sounds crazy but I kind of lmao like the way he told Shinae she needs to go, thatĀ ā€œYou canā€™t be here alone with me any longer.ā€Ā 
Nol has acknowledged his role in this. He acknowledges the way he deliberately hurt Dieter, even though it wasnā€™t his intention. And whatā€™s more is what heā€™s not saying - the subtext. That she canā€™t be alone with him because they will continue to say and do things that will hurt Dieter, that will create more pain. Nol knows how easily Shinae can disarm him if heā€™s not vigilante. All it takes is her bringing him ease again, him falling back into that comfort, forgetting the rest of the world, acting on it again.Ā 
Thereā€™s something that feels so urgent about it? Intense? That she NEEDS to go because he doesnā€™t have the willpower any more. That heā€™s trying REALLY HARD to be a good person, a good friend, but itā€™s so difficult. He says it every which way besides with words, and if you read between the lines heā€™s practically screaming it out loud.Ā 
I actually think heā€™s handling it pretty well, even if it doesnā€™t clear things up for Shinae in the moment. Heā€™s acting on Dieterā€™s behalf - but also on his own. And hers. Shinae needs to come to the conclusion he has and itā€™s not for him to tell her. Part of why itā€™s so easy for Shinae to let herself feel that way with Dieter is because she knows he likes her. Heā€™s safe and comfortable. Had he never confessed would she think anything of the way he looks at her? Would she think anything of the comfort he brings her? But because she knows, it has affected her view. I donā€™t say that like itā€™s a bad thing, because we all respond to people based on how they feel about us, I think. But if Nol were to speak those words out loud, if he were to tell herĀ ā€œitā€™s because I like you!ā€ how would it make her feel? Would it influence what she thinks about him? Surely it would!Ā 
Nol is trying to get Shinae to come to the same realization he has, and more so, heā€™s trying to get her to be clear about her feelings. Do you like me or not? Do you act this way with everyone? He sees the way she gets flustered, he knows the effect heā€™s got on her. Heā€™s probably sure she reciprocates those feelings and hasnā€™t figured it out yet - but thereā€™s still a shadow of a doubt. Thereā€™s still the fact that maybe heā€™s reading into it, maybe heā€™s seeing something that isnā€™t there. Maybe sheā€™s someone who cares about him and heā€™s misread it because heā€™s so desperate to matter to someone, anyone.Ā 
Look we all know better, but we also know how doubts persist!Ā 
Thereā€™s so much ANGST but itā€™s SO good! Itā€™s not angst for the sake of angst, itā€™s not drawing something out just to make the story last. Nolā€™s expressions cause me PAIN, Shinaeā€™s make me ACHE. He feels like a guilty asshole, he wants her to go, but he canā€™t even look at her and say it - he looks away, his mouth set in that way holding back all the things he believes he should not say. Honestly they are so good at hurting each other ;______; it hurts ME, too!Ā 
But also, I get it. Iā€™m with Nol here. How can he bear to look at her when heā€™s pushing her away again? How can he bear to look at her when itā€™s all his fault (according to him). He canā€™t even look at her when he tells her Dieter was awake the whole time. Itā€™s such a loaded statement but unfortunately it doesnā€™t QUITE land because Shinae canā€™t quite grasp the significance.Ā 
Actually this whole part is both so funny and so unbearable to me lmao because Nol is all but saying that Dieter oversaw them having a very non-platonic moment and sheā€™s like i donā€™t get it whyā€™s that a big deal LMAOOOOOO ;____; Nol is going THROUGH it okay! She keeps insisting that it meant nothing, that itā€™s just friends, whatā€™s wrong with that. And Nol canā€™t come out and say the truth - that it looked romantic that it feltĀ romantic, that he meant all of it and thatā€™s why itā€™s so wrong. The whole time heā€™s trying to get her to understand WHY that hurts Dieter and sheā€™s just hurting him at the same time LMAO OUCHĀ 
I LOVE those panels where we canā€™t see their faces - where itā€™s Nolā€™s frustration and anguish that she doesnā€™t get it, that heā€™s trying, that he feels awful because of course those feelings are still there why wouldnā€™t they be. His frustration, the faint lines on Shinaeā€™s face.Ā 
Maybe itā€™s there at the back of her mind - something faint, something distant. Maybe for a moment she understands what Nol isnā€™t saying, the implications of what Dieter oversaw, overheard. But if it, she doesnā€™t acknowledge it at all.Ā 
Nolā€™s hand over his face in frustration, that panel where we close in on his eye and Shinae saysĀ ā€œYouā€™re not intentionally trying to hurt him!ā€ But... he is. Maybe he doesnā€™t want to hurt Dieter - but he IS intentionally doing things that hurt him. And he still wants to! Thatā€™s the thing, thatā€™s why he needs her to go. Itā€™s so easy to fall into that, to act on that, to forget Dieter exists and instead indulge a little. It may not be his intention to hurt Dieter, but itā€™s his intention to do things that WOULD hurt him, and she doesnā€™t get it.Ā 
But GOD lmao the way she just starts to rub salt in the wound!!!!!Ā ā€œWhatever he thinks is just a misunderstanding. Thereā€™s NOTHING going on here!ā€Ā 
In ILY universe, nothing is always Nol. There is Nol going on here.Ā 
And look, I feel for him here, a LOT. This must be SO hard!!!! Not just the pushing her away, not just knowing he hurt Dieter, but having this whole conversation, her not getting it, her taking a moment that clearly meant SO MUCH to him and saying it meant nothing. Again, thereā€™s so much that is LOADED when she saysĀ ā€œWeā€™re all friends here!ā€ and he says that resoluteĀ ā€œNoā€, his eyes hidden from us, his hands firm on the wheelchair.Ā 
Shinae misconstrues it as no, we arenā€™t all friends, but what Nol means is that no itā€™s not justĀ friends. Itā€™s two different people who like her a lot. Itā€™s knowing he acted on something that hurt his friend. That moment wasnā€™t platonic, wasnā€™t just friendship - not for him. Clearly sheā€™s unready to see it, but he knows it. No. Weā€™re not friends here - we are people who like you so very much.Ā 
GOD, THE ANGST, THE ANGUISH. I AM SWINGING FROM THE RAFTERS Iā€™M HOOTING.Ā 
I LOVE the moment he says he canā€™t take this - he canā€™t keep having this conversation, canā€™t take being shut down like this, canā€™t handle her downplaying a significant moment. If she wants to tell herself it was nothing but to keep reiterating it to him? Unbearable! But also I LOVE that Shinae stands her group and puts her foot down, I love her calling him out because like I get it! I understand both of them. Sheā€™s had no time to process any of this, all she knows is she wants him to stop pushing her away, she wants him to stop boxing her out, she wants him to be OPEN.Ā 
In a way, they are fighting for the same thing, but they keep obstructing each other. They want the same thing but theyā€™re speaking in different languages. He WANTS her to see it - that it wasnā€™t a platonic moment, that he meant itĀ that it matters that their fingerprints are all over it. He wants her to see what Dieter saw. She wants him to show himself, to open up, to stop hiding, to be vulnerable. They are trying SO HARD to get the same thing, but they just keep butting heads and getting in each othersā€™ way.Ā 
AND WHEN SHE TELLS NOL THAT SHEā€™S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DATING DIETER? OH MY /GOD/ lmao alkjfkjafkjafkjafkjja alfjakfjj SHRIEKSĀ 
Not ONLY has she basically downplayed this whole romantic moment, downplayed whatever is transpiring between them but she goes on to say SHEā€™S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DIETER?! LMAOOOOOOOOO Again I reiterate no one is at fault here!!!!!! But lmaooooo the OUCHIES of this whole conversation! Isnā€™t it bad enough that she says it was nothing it doesnā€™t mean anything, and then she goes on to be like I mean i donā€™t totally NOT not like him idk..... LMAOĀ 
Heā€™s clearly frustrated both in trying to get her to understand what he isnā€™t voicing, but also because he seems like such a resolute person? Or at least, he tries to be. I assume itā€™s kind of like... he realized he likes her and thatā€™s it. Itā€™s not that he thinks he might like her, itā€™s not that he might have some feelings. He knows heā€™s all in, all feelings, all eyes on her. And she appears so wishy washy - flirting with him but doesnā€™t acknowledge it, unintentionally stringing Dieter along and igniting that hope.Ā 
And the thing is she isnā€™t doing any of this maliciously. Sheā€™s tried to be clear with Dieter! Itā€™s not her fault that he keeps getting his hopes up. Sheā€™s had no time to process her feelings for Nol, has had no experiences to compare any of this to. I love this conversation between them because it illuminates how little Shinae knows about feelings, about love, about romance. She hasnā€™t let anyone in in a long time, has guarded herself so tightly, and now that she has, how is she to understand the ways they affect her, what their significance means?Ā 
Itā€™s easy to see why she keeps trying to box her feelings about Nol into a box they donā€™t fit. Of course she cares, of course she worries, thatā€™s what friends do. Itā€™s not that she cares, though - itā€™s why. Does she care as a friend or does she care as something else? Thatā€™s what heā€™s trying to get her to answer - and I think he got close. But she needs to distance herself from the night, too. She needs to dwell on those feelings - and not just the intensity of trying to hang on to him, but the other feelings, too. The butterflies, the fluttering, the fluster, the way she canā€™t meet his gaze, the way she starts to fluster if he looks at her for too long.Ā 
Someone said that Shinae is practically confessing to Nol and doesnā€™t even realize it and my god theyā€™re right lmao. The way Shinae argues back that she knows Nol didnā€™t like it when she left after they danced, that she knows he was bummed, can you really throw all that away what weā€™ve been through, how effortless we are? lmao SHE REALLY JUST. Goes on saying it!!! AND SHE DOESNā€™T RECOGNIZE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS.Ā 
(I mean she did a whole damn love soliloquy in front of Minhyuk for Nol so like. Itā€™s been an all night thing lmao)Ā 
Also it hurt when Nol admits that Dieter doesnā€™t have that with Shinae - not even as her friend. Even if she does not not want to date him, even if a part of her DOES like him - does it compare to what she feels about Nol? Does it compare to what he means to her? He canā€™t look her in the eye, and even as she tries to play it off, to say hey all friendships are different does it really matter SHE canā€™t meet his eye.Ā 
Consciously Shinae may not be aware of it but on some level she must know. On some subconscious level, that ghost of a thought passes by, a faint wave of shame. She doesnā€™t share with Dieter what she shares with Nol. Itā€™s true that thereā€™s something there, but itā€™s something sheā€™s avoiding, something she consciously cannot face yet.Ā 
BUT LISTEN, MY GOD. NOL ASKING HER WHY SHE CARES /SCREAMS JUST SCREAMS ALJKFKJAFJKAFLJ AFJALJJAF AFJAKFJFA
Heā€™s pushing!!!!!!!!!!!
I love that Nol is a ball of contradiction. He wants Shinae to acknowledge what he isnā€™t saying out loud, he wants her to realize that it means something to him, that there are feelings, that itā€™s not platonic, and he wants her to acknowledge so she understands why heā€™s pushing her away. But I think he also wants her to admit it herself. Confirm what he suspects. She fights SO hard but she canā€™t say why. She cares so much but she canā€™t elaborate.Ā 
Convince me.Ā 
LKJFKJAF LAJFKAJFA F /SCALES THE WALLS PARKOURS ACROSS ALL THE ROOFS IN THE NEIGHBORBOOD.Ā 
He knows. HE KNOWS. Convince him heā€™s wrong. Convince him itā€™s not what he thinks. Convince her that her extent of care of need her desperate desire to keep hold of him to make him show himself to her to be vulnerable with him is platonic. Convince him.Ā 
AND SHE CANā€™T!!!!!!!!!Ā 
Again, she averts her gaze! Again, she flusters and blushes. Again he disarms her just by looking at her and he takes advantage of the moment to finally kick her out.Ā 
GOD WHAT AN EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA BARK BARK BARK WOOOOF RLKJJKJ RRRRGGHHR RRRRHGHGHG LDKJC YIP YIP YIPĀ 
ITā€™S SO GOOD. THE SUBTEXT, THE EXPRESSIONS, THE DANCE AROUND THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, THE ANGST, THE EMOTIONS.Ā 
And no matter which standpoint you look at it from itā€™s just GOOD.Ā 
Nol feels guilty, like an asshole, he has hurt his friend. But more than that - itā€™s how he knows he canā€™t be alone with her, how he knows he canā€™t stop himself any more from acting on what he wants. He needs to PHYSICALLY remove her because thatā€™s how little resistance he has, because thatā€™s how much she gets to him, how much she affects him. Itā€™s the way it hurts to have this conversation - where if he says the words out loud it makes them real and it becomes a weight she has to carry. If he can make her reach the conclusion on her own, maybe it wonā€™t be so bad. He wonā€™t have to deal with the pain if she doesnā€™t reciprocate - if she comes to the right conclusion and keeps her distance. If he says them out loud and she has to turn him down? He canā€™t handle that he canā€™t bear it. But at the same time, every time she denies that their shared moment meant nothing, that the way he looked at her, the way he treated her (HOW HE TOUCHED HER?????) was just platonic to him???? HOW CAN HE BEAR TO ENDURE THAT CONVERSATION?!Ā 
And itā€™s not that it means nothing - she just needs the space and time to process it, to really play out what happened. I think, too, on some level she IS subconsciously repressing it. Isnā€™t it scary? Especially because Nol is a person who comes and goes, who pushes her away and then shares these intense moments and then shoves her away again. What good is it to acknowledge what he means when she can barely keep a hold on him as a friend, when she can barely make him understand his significance. Nol and Dieter both are such good friends to her, people she can rely on, people who make her feel safe. Sure Nol may not make her feel secure all the time lmao but when itā€™s just them, when theyā€™re lost in that little world, for the moment, he does. Itā€™s scary, to think of losing any of that. All the relationships sheā€™s ever been privy to have fallen apart. Thereā€™s no photos, no memories of her family as a whole unit. Sheā€™s seen what Rand and Yui look like. Sheā€™s got no experience of her own, and now that she has friends she loves so much, sheā€™s too afraid to lose them.Ā 
How can she begin to dissect what Nol means to her when it makes him feel more fleeting? How can she begin to understand what exists between them is romantic when sheā€™s never really witnessed a healthy successful romance exist?
The thing that makes friends to lovers SUCH a good trope, and why I love it SO MUCH is the stakes, the risk vs the payout. What if you take that step and it all goes wrong? What if you mess it up and you lose someone who is SO important to you, someone who means so much? What if all goes wrong and you canā€™t put it back together and you make something beautiful all wrong by getting your fingerprints on it and chipping the corners? You start to fear even the possibility because sure it could go well - but if it goes bad you lose it ALL. Everything.Ā 
But what is life if you donā€™t take some risks? Can you live with that regret, if you never take a chance, if you miss out on something you wanted?Ā 
Thatā€™s the thing about Dieter, isnā€™t it? He knows the risks. He knows heā€™s playing with fire, knows he doesnā€™t quite have with Shinae what Nol does. But he still tries. He still lets his unwavering hope go, even if it hurts him. He canā€™t ever say he has any regrets because heā€™s given it his all. Sure, it hurt a LOT and itā€™s going to, until he gets over her and can find a way to move on, but at least he tried. At least he made the effort and can say that he did his best.Ā 
Itā€™s funny that Nol and Shinae stand in that place. Sheā€™s doing her best, sheā€™s making an effort so she canā€™t regret not trying - but she just canā€™t see the full picture, canā€™t acknowledge WHY sheā€™s fighting WHY sheā€™s pushing. But Nol is the other part of it, the understanding, but also fear. Itā€™s not just Dieter that stops him. If she continues to deny that it means anything, if she continues to say it was nothing.... that hurts. Itā€™s bad enough to have feelings - but for the person you like to deny them? GOD. ;A;Ā 
At this point thereā€™s a lot of conversations that need to be had, and i think Iā€™m looking forward to (hopefully?!) seeing Nol and Dieter talk it out. I think as much as Dieter is hurt, I canā€™t see him as the kind of person who would stand in the way of his friends happiness. If they make each other happy, who is he to tell Nol to back off or something? Shinae is a person with agency who can make her own choices and if she comes to a realization that she reciprocates Nolā€™s feelings well.... he canā€™t really stop her just because she doesnā€™t like him. Heā€™s not an incel alkfkjafjaf lmao I donā€™t think itā€™s the kind of thing that would make him hate either of them.Ā 
Iā€™ve said it before but Dieter loves Nol, too, so he can understand why Shinae would fall for him. And likewise, as a person who likes Shinae, Iā€™m sure he can understand how Nol would unintentionally fall. Thereā€™s a lot thatā€™s happened between Nol and Shinae that Dieter doesnā€™t know about - the things that draw them together, that make them reach out to one and other. I think he can probably get that sense - thereā€™s just SOMETHING ELSE there that isnā€™t with him and Shinae.Ā 
I like to think Dieter might encourage Nol, or at the very least perhaps tell him to stop pushing people away. That one of these days heā€™ll push and she wonā€™t come back and can he really live with that? While Dieter doesnā€™t know as much as Shinae, he at least seems to have the sense that thereā€™s a profound depth to Nol, that thereā€™s a lot of pain (as evidenced between him and Kousuke) and that his life hasnā€™t been as easy as Yeonggi made it look, so maybe he, too, will what it means for Nol to open up, to really truly fall for someone who feels the same as him. Who is he to deny their happiness, just because it makes him hurt?Ā 
On the other hand, a part of me dreads Dieter and Shinae talking because WHEW BOY we know itā€™s going to hurt either way it goes. Will she deny her feelings about Nol, try to continue to write them off as friendship because it scares her, because sheā€™s so afraid of losing him that sheā€™s willing to swallow them down, because she doesnā€™t want it to get in the way? Even if she did, Dieter would see through it. I think now that heā€™s seen it, reallyĀ seen it at play, he knows he canā€™t keep pretending. Thatā€™s why heā€™s distanced himself. If she were to try to play the card that it meant nothing wouldnā€™t he get more upset that sheā€™s lying? God it just feels like a painful conversation ;___; And if sheā€™s honest with him, if she sets him straight that she should have been clearer, that she hurt him, it just makes it hurt more AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHĀ 
JUST AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
All that said, I love how good of a subversion ofĀ ā€œwhy does my kokoro go dokidokiā€. Itā€™s not that Shinae is naĆÆve - itā€™s that sheā€™s inexperienced and scared. Itā€™s that she hasnā€™t had the time to process, itā€™s that she has this mix of feelings that sheā€™s had no time to sort them out and untangle them. For so long she held people at armā€™s length and now her heart is too full! And because itā€™s subverting that trope, I donā€™t think weā€™ll see it drawn out for a terribly long time, and sheā€™ll put on her big girl pants and try to make it right. Right now sheā€™s afraid to rock the boat. Sheā€™s been hurt so many times by people, she doesnā€™t want to be the one who hurts others, she doesnā€™t want to be the one who inflicts pain. But I think when she realizes the truth, sheā€™ll realize that trying to ignore it causes more pain, drawn out. Thatā€™s what Nol is getting at. That as long as she doesnā€™t definitively have feelings, it only hurts. It drags out Dieterā€™s pain every time he thinks thereā€™s a chance. It drags out Nolā€™s pain, that she canā€™t sort out the feelings.Ā 
I love so much that Shinae cares about peoplesā€™ feelings - especially because in the beginning she so badly wanted to believe she doesnā€™t care if people think sheā€™s a bitch. Sheā€™s so empathetic and caring! But at some point we have to realize that avoiding a problem only makes it worse. Itā€™s so much better to be up front and get it out of the way. Dieter wonā€™t be able to heal until the wound stops getting ripped open. He WILL be okay, he WILL get over. But it wonā€™t happen until she makes things clear.Ā 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHĀ 
I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS SO MANY FEELINGS I HAVENā€™T EVEN TALKED ABOUT NOLā€™S RESOLVE BUT Iā€™M SAVING THAT FOR A SEPARATE POST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGSĀ 
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wildpeachfarm Ā· 8 months ago
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i was a socially online 18yo during pre-streaming years and had a ~reasonable follower count, and let me tell you i was noooooooot mentally alright enough to deal with that court of opinions whenever i made a mistake LOL rather than response videos w me crying and yelling, i would go on several postsā€™ worth of rants, and posting photos of myself crying (lmaooooooo). it was embarrassing, taxing, and smacked my mental health to new lows ā€” and stepping back from it permanently changed my actual life. i hope caiti can do the same because, wowie, i am getting flashbacks to myself, and it is Not a healthy place to be
Yeah I definitely think we need to be more careful about giving instant fame and internet attention to young adults because you never know who has the mental and emotional capacity for this stuff and who doesn't.
And I am sad that caiti is crashing and burning so hard over this because she probably would have been able to make decent money streaming, but the attention has clearly negatively affected her and now I recognize that she is absolutely not cut out for this type of lifestyle.
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