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justmenoworries · 4 years ago

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Not Up For Interpretation - An Essay On Nonbinary - Erasure

(Trigger Warning: Misgendering, Transphobia, Nonbinary-phobia)

If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know this was a long time coming. I’ve made several posts about my frustrations concerning this topic and how much it hurt me just how socially accepted erasing an entire identity still is. While representation marches on and things have become better for nonbinary people as a whole, we still battle with a lot of prejudice - both intentional and unintentional.

In this essay, I want to discuss just how our identities are being erased almost daily, why that is harmful and hurtful and what we all can do to change that.

Chapters:

What does Non-binary mean?

Nonbinary- representation in media

So what’s the problem?

How do we fix it?

1. What Does Non-binary Mean?

Non-binary is actually an umbrella term. It includes pretty much every gender-identity that’s neither one or the other so to speak, for example, agender.

Agender means feeling detachment from the gender spectrum in general. If you’re agender, you most likely feel a distance to the concept of gender as a whole, that it doesn’t define you as a person.

There are many identities that classify under non-binary: There’s gender-fluid (you feel you have a gender, but it’s not one gender specifically and can change), demi-gender (identifying as a gender partially, but not completely) and many others.

Sometimes, multiple non-binary identities can mix and match.

Most non-binary people use they/them pronouns, but like with so many things, it varies.

Some nonbinary-people (like me) go by two pairs of pronouns. I go by both she/her and they/them, because it’s what feels most comfortable at the moment. But who knows, maybe in the future I’ll switch to they/them exclusively or expand to he/him.

There is no one defining non-binary experience. Nb-people are just as varied and different as binary people, who go by one specific gender.

There are non-binary people who choose to go solely by she/her or he/him and that’s okay too. It doesn’t make them any more or less non-binary and their identity is still valid.

If your head’s buzzing a bit by now: That’s okay. It’s a complicated topic and no one expects you to understand all of it in one chapter of one essay.

Just know this: If a person identifies as non-binary, you should respect their decision and use the pronouns they go with.

It’s extremely hurtful to refer to someone who already told you that they use they/them pronouns with she/her or he/him, or use they/them to refer to a person who uses she/her.

Think about it like using a trans-person’s deadname: It’s rude, it’s harmful and it shows complete disrespect for the person.

Non-binary people have existed for a very long time. The concept isn’t new. The idea that there are only two genders, with every other identity being an aberration to the norm, is largely a western idea, spread through colonialism.

The Native American people use “Two-Spirit” to describe someone who identifies neither as a man nor a woman. The term itself is relatively new, but the concept of a third gender is deeply rooted in many Native American cultures.

(Author’s Note: If you are not Native American, please do not use it. That’s cultural appropriation.)

In India, the existence of a third gender has always been acknowledged and there are many terms specifically for people who don’t identify with the gender that was assigned to them at birth.

If you’re interested in learning more about non-binary history and non-binary identities around the world, I’d recommend visiting these websites:

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/History_of_nonbinary_gender

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Gender-variant_identities_worldwide

https://thetempest.co/2020/02/01/history/the-history-of-nonbinary-genders-is-longer-than-you-think/

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/gender-variance-around-the-world

Also, maybe consider giving this book a try:

Nonbinary Gender Identities: History, Culture, Resources by Charlie Mcnabb

2. Non-binary Representation In Media

The representation of non-binary people in mainstream media hasn’t been... great, to put it mildly.

Representation, as we all know, is important.

Not only does it give minorities a chance to see themselves in media and feel heard and acknowledged. It also normalizes them.

For example, seeing a black Disney-princess was a huge deal for many black little girls, because they could finally say there was someone there who looked like them. They could see that being white wasn’t a necessity to be a Disney princess.

Seeing a canonically LGBT+ character in a children’s show teaches kids that love is love, no matter what gender you’re attracted to. At the same time, older LGBT+ viewers will see themselves validated and heard in a movie that features on-screen LGBT+ heroes.

There’s been some huge steps in the right direction in the last few years representation-wise.

Not only do we have more LGBT+ protagonists and characters in general, we’ve also begun to question and call out harmful or bigoted portrayals of the community in media, such as “Bury Your Gays” or the “Depraved Homosexual”.

With that being said: Let’s take a look at how Non-binary representation holds up in comparison, shall we?

This is Double Trouble, from the children’s show “She-Ra And The Princesses Of Power”.

They identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. They’re also a slimy, duplicitous lizard-person who can change their shape at will.

Um, yeah.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Did I mention they’re also the only non-binary character in the entire show? And that they’re working with a genocidal dictator in most of the episodes they’re in?

Yikes.

Let’s look at another example.

These three (in order of appearance) are Stevonnie, Smoky Quartz and Shep. Three characters appearing in the kid’s show “Steven Universe” and it’s epilogue series “Steven Universe: Future”.

All of them identify as non-binary and use they/them as pronouns.

Stevonnie and Smoky Quartz are the result of a boy and a girl being fused together through weird alien magic.

Shep is a regular human, but they only appeared in one episode. In an epilogue series that only hardcore fans actually watched.

Well, I mean...

One out of three isn’t that bad, right?

Maybe we should pick an example from a series for older viewers.

Say hello to Doppelganger, a non-binary superhuman who goes by they/them, from the Amazon-series “The Boys”.

They’re working for a corrupt superhero-agency and use their power of shape-shifting to trick people who pose a threat to said agency into having sex with them. And then blackmail those people with footage of said sex.

....

Do I even need to say it?

If you’ve paid attention during the listing of these examples, you might have noticed a theme.

Namely that characters canonically identifying as non-binary are either

supernatural in some way, shape or form,

barely have a presence in the piece of media they’re in,

both.

Blink-and-you-miss-it-manner of representation aside, the majority of these characters fall squarely under what we call “Othering”.

“Othering” describes the practice of portraying minorities as supernatural creatures or otherwise inhuman. Or to say it bluntly: As “The Other”.

“Othering” is a pretty heinous method. Not only does it portray minorities as inherently abnormal and “different in a bad way”. It also goes directly against what representation is actually for: Normalizing.

As a general rule of thumb: If your piece of media has humans in it, but the only representation of non-white, non-straight people are explicitly inhuman... yeah, that’s bad.

So is there absolutely no positive representation for us out there?

Not quite.

As rare as human non-binary characters in media are to find, they do exist.

Here we have Bloodhound! A non-binary human hunter who uses they/them pronouns, from the game “Apex Legends”.

It’s been confirmed by the devs and the voice actress that they’re non-binary.

Nice!

These are Frisk (bottom) and Chara (top) from the game “Undertale”. While their exact gender identity hasn’t been disclosed, they both canonically use they/them pronouns, so it’s somewhere on the non-binary spectrum.

Two human children who act as the protagonist (Frisk) and antagonist (Chara), depending on how you play the game. (Interpretations vary on the antagonist/protagonist-thing, to say the least.)

Cool!

......

And, yep, that’s it.

As my little demonstration here showed, non-binary representation in media is rare. Good non-binary representation is even rarer.

Which is why those small examples of genuinely good representation are so important to the Non-binary community!

It’s hard enough to have to prove you exist. It’s even harder to prove your existence is not abnormal or unnatural.

If you’d like to further educate yourself on representation, it’s impact on society and why it matters, perhaps take a second to read through these articles:

https://www.criticalhit.net/opinion/representation-media-matters/

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/why-on-screen-representation-matters-according-to-these-teens

https://jperkel.github.io/sciwridiversity2020/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2019/05/22/why-is-equal-representation-in-media-important/?sh=25f2ccc92a84

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-representation-the-media-matters

3. So What’s The Problem?

The problem, as is the case with so many things in the world, is prejudice.

Actually, that’s not true.

There’s not a problem, there are multiple problems. And their names are prejudice, ignorance and bigotry.

Remember how I said human non-binary representation is rare?

Yeah, very often media-fans don’t help.

Let’s take for example, the aforementioned Frisk and Chara from “Undertale”.

Despite the game explicitly using they/them to refer to both characters multiple times, the majority of players somehow got it into their heads that Frisk’s and Chara’s gender was “up for interpretation”.

There is a huge amount of fan art straight-up misgendering both characters and portraying them as binary and using only he/him or she/her pronouns.

The most egregious examples are two massively popular fan-animated web shows: “Glitchtale”, by Camila Cuevas and “Underverse” by Jael Peñaloza.

Both series are very beloved by the Undertale-fanbase and even outside of it. Meaning for many people, those two shows might be their first introduction to “Undertale” and it’s two non-binary human characters.

Take a wild guess what both Camila and Jael did with Frisk and Chara.

Underverse, X-Tale IV:

(Transcript: “Frisk lied to me in the worst possible way... I... I will never forgive him.”)

Underverse, X-Tale V:

(Transcript: “I-It’s Chara... and it’s a BOY.”)

Glitchtale, My Promise:

(Transcript: (Referring to Frisk) “I’m not scared of an angry boy anymore.”)

Glitchtale, Game Over Part 1:

(Transcript: (Referring to Chara) “It’s ok little boy.”)

This... this isn’t okay.

Not only do both of these pieces of fan-art misgender two non-binary characters, the creators knew beforehand that Frisk and Chara use they/them-pronouns, but made the conscious choice to ignore that.

To be fair, in a video discussing “Underverse”, Jael said that only X-Tale Frisk and Chara, the characters you see in the Underverse-examples above, are male, while the characters Frisk and Chara from the main game remained non-binary and used they/them (time-stamp 10:34).

Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that Jael made up alternate versions of two non-binary characters specifically to turn them male. Or that, while addressing the issue, Jael was incredibly dismissive and even mocked the people who felt hurt by her turning two non-binary characters male. Jael also went on to make a fairly non-binary-phobic joke in the video, in which she equated gender identities beyond male and female to identifying as an object.

Jael (translated): “I don’t care if people say the original Frisk and Chara are male, female, helicopters, chairs, dogs or cats, buildings, clouds...”

That’s actually a very common joke among transphobes, if not to say the transphobe-joke:

“Oh, you identify as X? Well then I identify as an attack helicopter!”

If you’re trans, chances are you’ve heard this one, or a variation of it, a million times before.

I certainly have.

I didn’t laugh then and I’m not laughing now.

(Author’s note: I might be angry at both of them for what they did, but I do not, under any circumstances, support the harassment of creators. If you’re thinking about sending either Jael or Camila hate-mail - don’t. It won’t help.)

Jael’s reaction is sadly common in the Undertale fandom. Anyone speaking up against Chara’s and Frisk’s identity being erased is immediately bludgeoned with the “up for interpretation”-argument, despite that not once being the case in the game.

And even with people who do it right and portray Frisk and Chara as they/them, you’ll have dozens of commenters swarming the work with sentences among the lines of “Oh but I think Frisk is a boy/girl! And Chara is a girl/boy!”

By the way, this kind of thing only happens to Frisk and Chara.

Every other character in “Undertale” is referred to and portrayed with their proper pronouns of she/her or he/him.

But not the characters who go by they/them.

Their gender is “up for interpretation”.

Because obviously, their identity couldn’t possibly be canonically non-binary.

Sadly, Frisk and Chara are not alone in this.

Remember Bloodhound?

And how I said they’d been confirmed as non-binary and using they/them pronouns by both the creators and the voice actress?

It seems for many players, that too translated to “up for interpretation”.

(Transcript: “does it matter what they call him? He, her, it, they toaster oven, it doesn’t matter”)

(Transcript: “I’m like 90 % sure Bloodhound is a dude because he could just sound like a girl and by their age that I’m assuming looks around 10-12 because I’ve known many males who have sounded like a female when they were younger”)

(Transcript: “I don’t care it will always be a He. F*ck that non-binary bullsh*t.”)

(Transcript: “Bloodhound is clearly female.”)

(Transcript: “I’m not calling a video game character they/them”)

(Transcript: “exactly. The face was never fully shown neither was the gender so I’d say it means that the player is Bloodhound. So it’s your gender and you refer to “him” as yourself. It’s like a self insertion in my eyes.”)

So, let me get this straight:

If a character, even a player character, uses she/her or he/him, you can accept it, no questions asked.

But when a character uses they/them, suddenly their identity and gender are “up for interpretation”?

This attitude is also widely prevalent in real life.

Many languages only include pronouns for men and women, with no third option available. Non-binary people are often forced to make up their own terms, because their language doesn’t provide one.

Non-binary people often don’t fit within other people’s ideas of gender, so they get excluded altogether. Worse, non-binary people are often the victims of misgendering, denial of their identity or even straight-up violence when coming out.

People will often tell us that we look like a certain gender, so we should only use one set of gendered pronouns. Never mind that that’s not what we want. Never mind that that’s not who we are.

Non-binary people are also largely omitted from legal documentation and studies. We cannot identify as non-binary at our workplace, because using they/them pronouns is considered “unprofessional”. We don’t have our own bathrooms like men and women do. Our gender is seen as less valid than male and female, so even that basic thing is denied to us. I’ve had to use the women’s restroom my entire life, because if I go into a male restroom, I’ll be yelled at or made fun off or simply get told I took the wrong door. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I wish I didn’t have to do it.

And since non-binary people aren’t seen as “real transgender-people”, we often don’t receive the medical care we need. This often renders us unable to feel good within our bodies, because the treatment and help we get is wildly inadequate.

It’s especially horrible for intersex people (people who are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit solely into the male/female category) who are often forced to change their bodies to fit within the male/female gender binary.

And you better believe each of those problems is increased ten-fold for non-binary people of color.

We are ignored and dismissed as “confused”, because of who we are.

Representation is a way for Non-binary people to show the world they exist, that they’re here and that they too have stories to tell.

But how can we, when every character that represents us is either othered, barely there or gets taken away from us?

We are not “up for interpretation”.

Neither are the characters in media who share our identity.

And it’s time to stop pretending we ever were.

For more information about Non-Binary Erasure and how harmful it is, you can check out these articles:

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/common-non-binary-erasure/

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nonbinary-people-racism/

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary_erasure

https://traj.openlibhums.org/articles/10.16995/traj.422/

https://medium.com/an-injustice/everyday-acts-of-non-binary-erasure-49ee970654fb

https://medium.com/national-center-for-institutional-diversity/the-invisible-labor-of-liberating-non-binary-identities-in-higher-education-3f75315870ec

https://musingsofanacademicasexual.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/dear-sirmadam-a-commentary-on-non-binary-erasure/

4. How Do We Fix It?

Well, first things first: Stop acting like we don’t exist.

And kindly stop other people from doing it too.

We are a part of the LGBT+ community and we deserve to be acknowledged, no matter what our pronouns are.

Address non-binary people with the right pronouns. Don’t argue with them about their identity, don’t comment on how much you think they look like a boy or a girl. Just accept them and be respectful.

If a non-binary person tells you they have two sets of pronouns, for example he/him and they/them, don’t just use one set of pronouns. That can come off as disingenuous. Alternate between the pronouns, don’t leave one or the other out. It’ll probably be hard at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

If you’re witnessing someone harass a non-binary person over their identity, step in and help them.

And please, don’t partake in non-binary erasure in media fandoms.

Don’t misgender non-binary characters, don’t “speculate” on what you think their gender might be. You already know their gender and it’s non-binary. It costs exactly 0 $ to be a decent human being and accept that.

Support Non-Binary people by educating yourself about them and helping to normalize and integrate their identity.

In fact, here’s a list of petitions, organizations and articles who will help you do just that:

https://www.change.org/p/collegeboard-let-students-use-their-preferred-name-on-collegeboard-9abad81a-0fdf-435c-8fca-fe24a5df6cc7?source_location=topic_page

6 Ways to Support Your Non-Binary Child

7 Non-Negotiables for Supporting Trans & Non-Binary Students in Your Classroom

If Your Partner Just Came Out As Non-Binary, Here’s How To Support Them

How to Support Your Non-Binary Employees, Colleagues and Friends

Ko-fi page for the Nonbinary Wiki

The Sylvia Rivera Project, an organization who aims to give low-income and non-white transgender, intersex and non-binary people a voice

The Anti Violence Project “empowers lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and HIV-affected communities and allies to end all forms of violence through organizing and education, and supports survivors through counseling and advocacy."

The Trans Lifeline, a hotline for transgender people by transgender people

Tl:DR: Non-Binary representation is important. Non-Binary people still suffer from society at large not acknowledging our existence and forcing us to conform. Don’t be part of that problem by taking away what little representation we have. Educate yourself and do better instead. We deserve to be seen and heard.

#non-binary #agender #demigender #gender identity #essay #erasure #lgbt representation #misgendering #undertale #she ra spop #apex bloodhound #doppelganger #steven universe

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 4 years ago

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hey :/ i started to realize that i was a trans man around the same time my ex realized he was, too. we came out to each other and he thinks i’m copying him. advice??

Lee says:

We’ve gotten versions of this question from folks on both sides in the past. People have said things like “I came out and then my little sister came out, I think she’s copying my gender/identity and I don’t like it!” and folks who say stuff like “My friend came out and then I came out, and now she thinks I’m copying her gender/identity and I don’t like it!”

Indeed, it’s common for one person to come out and then another person follows suit! But this doesn't mean that the second person is “faking” their identity and copying the first person because they were jealous of the attention the first person got for coming out.

It’s common for LGBTQ folks to be friends with each other before any of them realize that they’re LGBTQ. Somehow, we just seem to attract each other! And a lot of trans people only start identifying as trans once they learn more about the trans community and spend time interacting with trans people, whether it’s online or IRl, so someone spending time with a trans person and then identifying as trans doesn’t mean that being trans is contagious, or that the person is faking it- it means they just learned more about being trans and realized it fits them too.

Using myself as an example- I had a friend who came out as non-binary, and the next year I came out as non-binary too. I wasn’t “copying” my friend per se. But I wasn’t really aware of being non-binary before that, so them coming out made it something on my radar. It made me realize that being non-binary is something that exists and something that a person can be and choose to identify as.

Seeing them take that path planted that little seed in my mind and eventually (after having folks as me if I was trans) I realized that yeah I’m non-binary too. I came out after they did because they helped me question my own gender which made me realize that I’m also non-binary, so they did influence me in a way, and seeing them come out gave me the courage/inspiration/motivation to come out myself.

Now of course it’s been several years... and I’m still non-binary! And so is my friend! Just because they came out first and I didn’t know I was trans for a while, it didn’t make their gender “realer” than mine is now, or any more valid.

That’s why friends, family members, and partners tend to come out around the same time. The first person comes out, and that makes the second person question their gender because they didn’t know as much about being trans before, and then they come out too. Or maybe both people knew they were trans already, but one person came out which helped lay down the groundwork for the other person to feel comfortable coming out too because they had a better idea of how someone would react. Or both people realized they were trans and came out at the same time independently- that happens too!

Regardless of how things happened, you both identify as trans and that’s something that needs to be respected. Even if someone was “faking” for some reason and copying someone’s gender, using a different name and pronouns for them until they get tired of it isn’t really going to hurt anyone- and you don’t know if they’re faking, so you should give them the benefit of doubt. Nobody can peer into someone’s head and figure out their gender for them- if someone says that they’re trans, you have to take them at their word because there’s no “Trans Test” that you can take to determine if they’re truly trans.

You can talk more about why you identify as trans if you want, but you shouldn’t ever feel like you have to “defend” and justify your identity; you don’t need to share more than you feel comfortable sharing. And even if him realizing he was trans had any influence or impact on your realization, it doesn’t mean that you’re copying or any less trans- there’s no shame in that, and it shouldn’t be something you have to hide or pretend isn’t true.

If you feel like he’s a good friend to you otherwise and you want to invest your emotional energy into trying to maintain a friendship with him, you can tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him and then explain that you genuinely feel that you are a man and you were hurt that he’s accused you of pretending to be trans/faking your gender/copying his gender, and remind him that it’s never okay to misgender you or say something that invalidates your gender identity.

If he keep saying shitty things after you’ve had a talk with him, then you need to just move on! Stop wasting your time and emotional energy engaging with this guy. Tell him that you can’t be friends with someone who won’t respect your identity and you won’t be spending any more time with him until and unless he changes his behavior.

Then actually do it! Block and unfollow him on social media and block his phone number and delete his contact if you have to. Hang out with different friends instead!

If you have a shared group of friends, make it clear to them that you’re uncomfortable when people misgender and disrespect you. Make sure you tell them what this guy has said to you and how it’s hurt you, then explain that you don’t want them to hold any group get-togethers with this guy because he’s creating a hostile environment for you (or at least tell them not to invite him to events you’ll be at too unless they’re going to take the responsibility of actively calling him out and correcting him).

Personally, I’d advise just blocking/ignoring him and moving on. While some people can be friends with ex-partners, I have the feeling things aren’t going great between the two of you from the connotation of you calling him your “ex” and not your friend. It can be hard to move on (trust me! I know! I never get over things or move on from anything, ever!) but sometimes you have to remind yourself that this person isn’t actually making your life better and you need to take care of yourself and disengage from them.

Breakups and ending relationships/friendships:

How should I end a relationship?

Ending unhealthy relationships

6 steps to ending a toxic relationship with a friend or partner

How to break up gracefully

wikiHow to Break Up

How To Break Up Like a Grown Up

How To Break Up With Somebody In 7 Steps

How To Dump Someone (Like An Actual Adult)

Fire Your Friends: Drop The Negative People In Your Life

6 Ways To Cut A Toxic Friend Out Of Your Life For Good

3 ways to end a toxic friendship

What to do when one of the friends in your friend group is bad to you

After a breakup:

10 Tips on How to Work Through Feelings of Social Isolation

5 ways to beat loneliness

Coping with a relationship breakup

7 phrases to help you get over a breakup

Dealing with a breakup

Help for when a relationship ends

Beyond codependency

It’s okay to be alone

5 things to remember when you still love the emotionally abusive partner you left

5 helpful things when you end a relationship

How the 7 stages of grief apply to breakups

7 ways to cope with post-split stress

How to deal with losing a friend

Letting go of someone who’s not good for you

What if my ex starts outing me as trans?

Followers, any advice for an anon whose ex-partner accuses them of “copying” their gender identity?

Followers say:

lesbean-on-ice said: I don’t really have any advice, but i can really relate to this post. my best friend, who I’ve known since kindergarten, and I started to question our genders around the same time, and we both went through multiple labels to find the right fit for us. she ended up landing on agender, and I thought I was girlflux at the time, but after reading up on the agender label, I realized that was my gender (or lack thereof, lol) as well!

am-anyone said: It can also be gained confidence that causes people to come out at the same time. I knew I was trans and when my friend came out to our friend group it gave me enough confidence to also come out in short succession afterwards. It wasn’t cause of copying but simply I felt less nervous knowing someone had successfully come out already.

#Lee says #faking #copying #trans #friends #Anonymous #transgender #nonbinary #lgbtq #lgbt #transgender teen survival guide #transgenderteensurvivalguide #TTSG

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bitch-in-a-bag · 3 years ago

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can we talk about how the LGBT movement has changed in the past 15 years?

in the light of the events surrounding Chris chan, and people prioritizing pronouns over the rape of a woman with dementia, I think it displays just how... different things are.

i personally feel like it's been co-opted by the more loud and entitled mtfs/ males/penis-havers/whatever pc term exists for the XY chromosome'd, who go too far and aren't reasonably kept in check. I think terf no longer has meaning anymore because it's just become a word we use to silence anyone that disagrees with a trans woman. immediately you're going to call me a terf, I accept that, but please continue reading. I may suprise you. calling someone who's transgender a terf is kinda messed up anyway, and that's exactly why im writing this.

I also think that everyone else (allies, ftms, etc) have followed suit because they've written this messed up narrative that EvErYoNe iS VaLiD. except for trans penis-havers, bc they're the most oppressed and the most valid, actually, regardless of their experiences.

I never used to believe the above because it was always written off as terf shit, and ignoring it kinda benefitted me, but between seeing ftms getting bashed for refusing to follow new "TME" rules as if they aren't trans too, and seeing outrage around Chris chans pronouns, I think it's time to start saying things that may make people uncomfortable. innocent people are already getting hurt by this, and we need to do better. it's time to get uncomfortable.

I want to remind you that perception is both the relying factor, and also the downfall of newer lgbt theory. if my profile were mtf coded, maybe it currently is, you'd call me a self hating trans and I wouldn't be that big of a deal. terfs would probably target me.

if my profile was ftm coded, I would be absolutely skewered for daring to speak out about these issues, even though they do actually affect ftms disproportionately. terfs would try to convince me that being trans is a plague and a mental illness, and to just ~be a cis woman~!

and if assumed cis, I would 100% be assumed radfem terf, and everything I say would immediately be dismissed because of the genuine damage terfs have done. but terfs would still probably flock to this post and berate me for daring to validate trans people At All, because to them, being transgender is a mental illness akin to an eating disorder, and "giving in" to it is "self harm". clearly I don't believe that, so hopefully you'll give me at least some benefit of the doubt.

so, does my identity matter? i have a feeling you'll say yes, because it gives us a good idea of experiences I do and don't have expertise in, and thus room to talk about. but I refuse to directly identify what I actually am because I want the focus of any resulting conversation to be my message and not my self identification. if you read between the lines and figure it out that's just fine, but I would like to be heard first and foremost.

my profile is thus an attempt at being cis female coded, somewhat out of comfort, and that is likely what I'll be assumed to be due to the beliefs I am expressing, even though there is a substantial risk of getting misgendered and dismissed, no matter what my birth sex may actually be. i will give you a hint about my identity: I am transgender, on HRT and everything, and I have been personally affected by all of this. rest assured, this is well within my lane to speak about, and it does matter if you misgender me.

I want you to really think about that. before you respond, really think about if someone saying words on tumblr, talking about their OWN experiences and their take on recent history that applies to themself, really more worthy of being misgendered and harassed than... someone who said they transitioned so they could date lesbians, and then raped their own mother with dementia.

is that fair or just? or is this just a new way of letting people with penises do whatever they want? I personally think it's the latter. we need to hold people like Chris chan accountable without getting caught up on something as minor **in comparison** as misgendering and self identification. Is it sad and confusing that someone who self IDs as transgender became 1:1 with the most dangerous stereotypes that exist for trans women? Of course it is. But it doesn't mean that self identification is suddenly more important than a literal crime being committed.

I would normally dismiss it as a fluke or outright trolling if the evidence weren't so damning that this is in fact a real event that happened. If I hadn't seen this happen to other people, and if I didn't literally know another mtf person who used their dysphoria as an excuse for date rape on multiple occasions and never got any consequences for it.

It's not a one time thing, it's a developing problem that we need to stop before more people have their lives ruined. I can't even imagine how traumatizing and messed up it is for an FTM person to be date raped, by another transgender person no less. When I, an abuse survivor, told people of this MTFs red flags, people violently silenced me. People who didn't know I was trans called me a terf and transphobic. We, as a community, could've protected someone from getting date raped, and we didn't. Trans women can be awful, horrible fucking people, because they are people. Protecting them at all costs is wrong. Protecting them from transphobia is what we should be doing.

That being said, misgendering is still skeevy, and I haven't done anything like raped a disabled woman who is no longer able to consent, or date raped my own partner. if you give a shit about respecting my identity, please use they/them for me. if not, use visual perception and make assumptions that will most likely be incorrect, skew your own argument, and put me on the same level as a rapist, and arguably a fetishist. And I do need to remind you that calling someone transgender a rapist and a fetishist without evidence is still definitely classic transphobia, to the letter, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that.

as someone who is same sex attracted, I also want to bring this up as well.

in the US in the past 15 years, the movement as a whole pretty much went "YEAH BORN THIS WAY" with Lady Gaga, and then jumped ship to prioritize mostly mtfs at every angle. do mtfs need support? absolutely. but they don't need misguided toxic positivity, and that's what it's turned into.

it's gotten genuinely homophobic to the point where actually homosexual people are constantly being erased and demonized via "genital preferences are a fetish uwu", and vulva havers, especially the trans ones, are constantly being told to shut up about their experiences.

as much as you want to deny bioessentialism, its still very much well and alive with newer trans movement sentiments when we classify ftms as not worthy of speaking about their own issues with terms like "TME". it's also incredibly ignorant towards FTMs who pass, but dress feminine for comfort, and get mistaken for MTF, and treated like garbage because of it. They are not remotely exempt from misogyny, transphobia, or the intersection of the two, and it is not anyone's job to tell them they don't ever experience that when they do. Turning ftms and biological homosexuals into our enemies-- especially when the actual cause is transphobia and harmful gender stereotypes-- does nothing good or healthy for our movement.

Dont be mistaken, though, passing isn't the focus or end all be all here, it's the perception of others that ends up drastically effecting your experiences. There are words like misogyny that imply treatment via birth sex, however this too can be reliant on external perception. If an MTF individual either transitions very young, has an abundance of resources to transition, or just gets lucky and passes well, chances are she will experience a lot more misogyny than people may give credit to. inversely, someone who just started questioning yesterday, but lived as a male their whole life up until then, they genuinely cannot speak about misogyny with that much room because they simply haven't experienced it at an accurate enough angle or for enough time to understand it as a repeated and sociological force.

It works the other way as well, though; someone who's known that they're trans for a long time and haven't had the resources to transition, or do not or cannot pass in the eyes of society; these people suffer pain that we don't neccesarily have a word for yet, imo. It makes dysphoria worse and it makes living seem hopeless. And as a community, we deal with this is in a really messed up way by over-validating them instead of solving the core issue at hand. and people who suffer from this, but also acknowledge they can't claim what they haven't experienced, are left with nowhere to go.

And its important to acknowledge these things because they're integral to the over-encompassing trans experience. Instead of lying to everyone and telling everyone they pass/giving out unconditional positive regard, our focus should be making it so that it **doesn't matter if you pass**. that you're still worth respect and dignity if you're transgender, no matter what passing is or what it means to you, and no matter how you present. But also, if you do something awful, you still need to be held accountable, especially if you use yourself, your body, or your trans status to contribute to other axi of oppression.

Transphobia is a word that encompasses and addresses all of that, regardless of birth sex. "TME" shuts that down in favor of only letting MTF's speak. Which is still very bio-essentialist, and I can't help but feel like we've gone full circle.

Once upon a time you couldn't even get married if your partner had the same genitals as you. in the US, this was less than 7 years ago. and if you care about human rights activism, you know damn well that legal modification is not the end all be all. people who are genuinely homosexual are still oppressed, but the trans movement has started stepping on them to make ground we don't deserve. homosexuals are ok and valid. it's not a genital preference, and the prescence of trans people doesn't make conversion therapy sentiments ok, ever.

we've gone full circle, and it's not right.

#trans rights #homosexuality #human rights #lgbt #lgbt community #trans #tw: rape #transphobia

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rnisa · 6 years ago

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Dating Envy Headcanons (part 1 because this has been in my drafts and I don’t feel like finishing it right now)

🦎 Fullmetal Alchemist 🦎

🦎 SFW 🦎

To celebrate me breathing life back into this blog and opening it up to multiple fandoms I'm in, I decided to start by writing for everyone's favourite-to-hate Homunculus, Envy.

This is my first time writing for FMA, so I'll do my best. I'm currently rewatching both 2003 & Brotherhood at the same time, as I loved both series equally. Enjoy! Also, I will generally use they/them pronouns when referring to Envy. If you ask me for 2003 specific, the pronouns will be male, and if you ask me for Brotherhood specific, the pronouns will be gender neutral. This is due to how differently Envy is presented in both shows.

Listen I... I tried to make these cute and romantic but it's fuckin' Envy! That would be too out of character. ANYWAYS I hope these aren't too depressing :,)

Honestly in my opinion, the BEST time to meet/get close with Envy is when they're reduced to the small lizard/work form. I know it's unfair, but seeing as how they can and will kill you in a second... I can see this as one of the, maybe three ways. Envy is vulnerable and if you're in possession of them, very easy to talk to for more than a minute without getting murdered.

So let's imagine instead of May, YOU're in possession of this little green lizard. We've been shown that this small stature doesn't change Envy's shit personality... they'll still do what they can to manipulate you at any turn. We've also been shown their refusal to talk which can be annoying, but with enough time spent with each other (yes, more than three episodes) I can see Envy opening up. By enough time I'm talking...a straight up year of him being a worm.

You have to be strong mentally and do most of the talking/prying. Persistence will get you places. And Envy is...kind of dumb (in Brotherhood), so Envy will be prone to slipping up from time to time.

Over the course of you getting to know each other, Envy will largely remain observant. He'll watch how you interact with other humans when you bring him out (like a bloodthirsty pet?), when you leave him at home in his container he'll make smartass comments about your day.

The two of you form an aggressive bond. They become a shitty roommate you want to get rid of, but they keep you from being depressively lonely so you let it stick around. Much like their appearance in this form, Envy is a bit of a parasite. Both of you are rude to each other , but you always say something sweet and Envy listens, at first, displaying a quick glimpse of humanity before reverting back to his old self, and insulting you.

Compliments are a quick yet tricky way to really mess with Envy's head. On one hand, they're like "well yeah...Why wouldn't you say that nice thing to me?" but on the other hand, it something that's just really hard for them to believe. If you told Envy you like their eyes, like their wit... they'll be stumped. It's like not even in a flustered type of way just, confusion.

It becomes addicting, sort of like a drug. They want your approval - yes, even though you're human.

It's kind of bad, isolating Envy like that but I mean they did start an entire war causing the genocide of a whole lot of people so, this being terrible aside,

Envy asks questions, hopes you'll help them understand. Envy can't feel love like a normal person would - it's past the point of that, too late, really. Envy wouldn't know that sort of love but, it's more like a "tolerance."

Envy TOLERATES you. Envy can stomach you because you're the only person that doesn't make them sick. Envy can be themself around you, and, over the course of a few months, has been honest and expressed their thoughts. Being around you is easy and requires no effort.

However, Envy doesn't like that they can't control you. You know them by now, to not fall for their tricks. Still, you have not posed them any threat so Envy lets it slide.

I firmly believe Envy could never understand love. Their being is made from jealousy and there is no "high" for that. When you're always envious of something, or someone, it's a shitty feeling. Envy can never love themself, and can never love anyone but what they feel for you, is as *close* as it can possibly get.

The relationship wouldn't be an easy, or a healthy one. There's no beneficial reason for you to be with them but hey, love is love!

Over time, you feel like Envy genuinely likes and appreciates you. You feel a connection and whether you let them go free, or they escape... Once Envy can obtain their "real" body back, you won't see them for a while. In that form, anyways...

Envy will come by to "check" on you, in different forms. You won't know it's Envy - but you've got a hidden, shapeshifting stalker. You preoccupy most of their thoughts, they can't get enough ... they also can't figure out how to approach you. Envy is confused. There are many routes this could take but I'm settling for the one where Envy kidnaps you, and keeps YOU a hostage, just as you did for them when they were reduced to their small, lizard-like form.

I don't see Envy as a sexual person, inherently. If you wanted it eventually, you'll have to explain and show them (literally, show them what genitals look like bc I can't imagine envy has a fuckin clue LOL) and see how it goes from there. I don't think Envy would be interested unless you get real kinky and include heavy BDSM aspects.

Even talking to someone else, paying anyone other than him the slightest bit of attention makes him sick. Be careful. Once Envy’s obsessed with you, and you reacted positively to his advances, even a little bit...you belong to him. Whether you like it or not. Either he has you.. or no one does.

#envy the jealous #envy fma #fma #Fullmetal Alchemist #fma brotherhood #headcanons #headcanon #hc #dating #envy fmab #homunculi #homunculus #fma reader insert #fma x reader #self insert

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johnhawkens · 6 years ago

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Hope for the Future in Young Heroes

You know, it’s pretty easy to get discouraged with all the negative news we hear on TV but I was thinking of something that made me feel a little bit better. There’s a lot of negativity on the futures of “millennials” and all the ‘unfortunate things’ they’ve done to the world. I use the term loosely, as there are many people that fit the bill and many that don’t, but the general concept falls to those that have had to grow through all the crazy change from the 80′s to today.

Despite what I have heard, despite how easy it is to fall into stereotypes and despair, I have seen some of the most intelligent, dedicated and compassionate people in all my life among those that are set to inherit the future.

We’ve encountered so much change in such a short amount of time. From the birth of the internet, to just how far it’s come in the last decade alone. Clunky car phones to mini computers in our pockets. Technology and communication have accelerated at astronomical rates which has caused us to all adapt just as fast.

Yeah, social media has been used for a lot of stupid and unhelpful things, but it’s also amazing. People say that ‘but people are always looking at their phones!’ and yet most of the people doing so tend to be speaking with friends, family, and loved ones from ALL OVER THE WORLD! Never before has our avenues of obtaining and spreading information grown so fast. Again, yes, it CAN be used irresponsibly, but it also has done so much good. It has allowed safer spaces for introverts, allowed like minds to find each other, allowed crimes to be solved and much MUCH more.

And through these avenues and through my job (as a Security Dispatcher for a hospital group), I have had the pleasure of meeting so many people from all walks of life and learned so much.

Today, so many younger people are working harder then people ever had, in an age of 24/7, in an age of multiple jobs is the norm, and in an age where the nuclear family is nearly all but a myth. From college debt, to economic depression, to a country involved in active combat across the world, our youth has had to deal with some of the most stressful and despair-inducing scenarios their whole lives.

And yet these are some of the most compassionate and open people I know. Everywhere I turn, there are more and more people finding comfort in their personal gender expression and their own sexual identities. World views are growing and along with it, the concept of what it means to be a human. All over I see young people banding together to support, asking such things as ‘what pronouns would you like to go by today?’ or ‘how do you identify and how can I accommodate that?’ Now, more than ever, is it easy to feel lost and confused in a vast world where cultural, language, and physical barriers grow easier to break each day. It is both wonderful and frightening, and while sometimes it can lead to lashing out, out of fear, so many people DON’T. So many people EMBRACE these new changes, picking friends for their hearts, minds, and interests in common over the colour of their skin, their religion, their race, or their gender expression.

Just tonight I saw it in motion in one of my Discord channels, where one person asked for some advice from others based on a strong desire to reach out and help others and how they could best tie that in with both their current job path and their health. And while others answered I just had to take a step back and smile. Here were people asking questions and answering with a wisdom, intelligence, and deep understanding that took me so many more years past their age to even begin to figure out. And, for me, this is often the norm. Yes, of course there are outliers, people still learning and those still finding their path out of the darkness of suffering. But so many more are speaking their hearts, welcoming others in a desire to turn their personal stories of suffering and pain into victories by helping others.

They offer their wisdom and their own experiences, sharing things that were difficult even sharing with family. Those that were hurt or left behind by kin, are finding families in like minded individuals elsewhere, and those who needed help, are rebuilding relationships through the support and assistance of their friends all over. From the bravery to speak of their abstract and wonderful loves in their passions from games, to shows, to the state of humanity as a whole to the wholehearted and unquestioning acceptance of how others wish to and really /need/ to express themselves : these people are fascinating to listen to and it gives me a lot more hope.

Because this is our future. Each time we speak our minds at injustice and each time we reach out to those beside us we are truly being heroes. Even if they are small and simple gestures, they reach far. With social media touching all over the world and friends from every corner of the globe, you never know who you might touch with the words from your heart. Small kindnesses often get passed forwards and can reach great heights in the end.

It may not quite be exactly like the world of comic books and is often far more mundane and boring, but through these little acts, we really can change the world a little bit at a time. Each time I stand up to help, more voices are raised with mine and that gives me more courage and hope each time. You /CAN/ be a hero. And look all around you, because you are surrounded by them.

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freckliedan · 6 years ago

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gravel to temple, what i need, and wanna be missed :)

gravel to tempo: have you come out to anyone? if yes, who was the first person you told? if no, do you want to? who would you tell first? yes i have! i’ve been out as varying-labels of not straight since 2013 to pretty much everyone, and i think teh first person i told was my best friend at the time? but i had really really supportive parents even before i came out so i knew they’d be chill and was able to just offhandedly mention in conversation that i was bi, and they were like “cool” & that was pretty much it as far as when i first came out?

i’m not out in most spaces as nb, just to friends and on this blog, but i think that my dad has kind of picked up on the fact that i’m like “MMMM gender? stinky” because he knows i have nonbinary friends and that i use the name den a lot and he’s been super affirming abt me being more androgynous lately. the first person i actually said anything about gender to was my best friend keerthi, bc they were talking about it and i was like.. me too shh and after that the first ppl i came out to were my gf & best friend & i kind of just quietly changed my pronouns on social media (except for facebook bc that’s so dead to me that i’m still bi on it & i haven’t id’d as bi for years).

also im like aggressively out as a queer lesbian in all of my classes and i WILL raise my hand to bring up relevant lgbt topics. multiple times. in one day

what i need: who are your favourite gay artists? what are your favourite gay songs?i fucking, love gay music and art, the indigo girls are my mothers who raised me so i feel like i’ve got to list them and as far as i’m aware there’s no lgbt ppl in the band the mountain goats but a lot of their music is something i relate intensely to as a queer person?

but like re: music i listen to a Lot by queer artists? i fucking love janelle monae, i love mika, i love adult mom bc the singer is nb and it’s like. god its some moods and it’s like a genre of music i really love?, my best friend miles has a queer is holy playlist, i love harry styles w my entire heart, i don’t know very much of laura jane grace (of the band against me)’s music but sometimes i just need to scream-sing about pissing on the walls of shitty people’s houses, this is me & my gf & best friend’s playlist from pride this year, i love ben j pierce and hayley kiyoko and king princess, this is a playlist by piper @asterlark that i believe is entirely lgbt artists?, piper’s pride playlist, my spotify playlist that’s just called GIRLS i heard of them, and also my best friend keerthi makes music too and id die for them soo (sorry if this bit got long and off topic)

if i had to pick one (1) favorite gay song it would be hymn by kesha bc Fuck dude thats the mood

wanna be missed: how dependent or independent are you in a relationship? do you like a lot of space, or a lot of intimacy? how do you feel about electronic (vs face to face) communication?here’s the thing..the thing is i’ve been dating my gf for over 4 years now and had feelings for her for nearly a year before that and we were best friends before that and i mean we were nemeses before that but we’ve known eachother since we were both 7?

so like idk it’s like.. we’re like dan and phil. the two of us have been together since we were 18 and so like! we can be on our own we’re our own people and we have parts of our lives that are separate from eachother but we always choose eachother? they’re my partner we’re a team and i’d always rather do something with her than without them and like. yeah. we still don’t live together bc of money so a lot of the time we’re in communication thru phonecalls and texting and snapchat and Everything bc even though we see eachother nearly daily we still miss eachother? so i guess i like a lot of intimacy but this is the only way i’ve ever known, you know? she’s the first person i ever dated and i’m the first person they ever dated & its just like! yeah. idk. not to be that bitch but the reason i love dnp is bc their relationship feels exactly, exactly the same as me & my gf’s relationship & like! yeah! idk! i run out of words cos i’m so filled w love. idk.

it’s a unique n special kind of love when you get the chance to become an adult, like, grow into a person, alongside your best friend, the person who made you believe in love, maybe even the person who made you believe in soulmates even though you don’t really necessarily believe in souls.. like, i’m talking about me there but im definitely also talking about dan & thats why i love dan and phil so much n thats why i can’t really answer this question good! idk how to describe it to someone who hasn’t experienced it? bc it’s the only thing i know i don’t know how to relate my experiences to other experiences bc of that. idk!!!!!!! i love love. i’m going to stop talking now fsdjklfjsdkl

#leo ty so much for the ask sorry for the absolute word vomit of a response #im just gay and talk a lot! my two biggest skills #q slur/#but in a reclaimed way not a bad way #my gf got me a promise ring for our 4 year anniversary & im getting her one for xmas & like..#god i cant wait to live together #LOVE of. my life #danslawdegree #den replies

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isbeeshy · 4 years ago

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I just kind of feel like I have to put my own gender issues aside to give my sister the place to deal with hers because hers is much more... idk what to call it. It's just that she is changing pronouns and changing how she presents herself and that feels very significant and have a lot of ramifications in her life. I'm not even sure if I'm actually nonbinary or I just hate the big impositions of femininity. I don't have disphoria, I don't mind my pronouns really, I get uncomfortable when people call me a girl sometimes, and I'm getting really really annoyed with the way people seem to just see me as a "cute sweet little girl", but that's kind of it. It doesn't feel very... important.

When she told me she was gender fluid (she doesn't identify as anymore, she is just non binary and uses just she/her) I responded with me too.

But I kind of... never brought it up very much again. Idk. I'm just used to bottling it up. But o wonder what she thinks of me.

I can't dump my troubles on her, she's my little sister and she feels bad when she can't help and I don't think she can help here

I have so many little complexes with her and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I get myself thinking "she's like a better version of me, a version of me less screwed and more confident and with better social skills and with better family dynamics and that got a better childhood..." and that is really stupid and unfair of me to think. She is her own fucking person you idiot. The problem is we got so many similarities. We're both adhd, we share so many interests, we've had similar problems with our respective mothers (we're half siblings) but that what makes our differences shine brigther to me.

I am very envious of her relationship with our dad. I did not get to spend years of my life living in the same house as him. Yeah he did divorce her mom when she was 6 but that's better than when he cheated on my mom when I was 1. Her mom may suck (god I hate that woman) but at least it was only her she had to deal with. It was just the two of them in a nice apartament with lots of neighboring kids she got to grow up playing with.

I grew up in a big dumb house where lived my me, my mom, my grandparents, my aunt and her daughter (10 years older than me). Lots of drama. So much stupid drama. It's hell sometimes. No one there is what you would call I good person. Not close. My relationship with my mom is getting better but it was HORRIBLE. no one there was ever actually abusive to me but it was stressful.

Then I also spent half of my life at my other grandparents house (grandma basically took the place my dad left vacant. She raised my along with my mom) and I love them but I still feel like a burden to them. I don't really feel totally at home at either of those placesand this kind of fucks me up.

Now, like I said, we both had similar problems with our moms but there is a big difference. When my relationship with my mom was at it's worse I felt completely alone and isolated. My grandma didn't feel like she could overstep her boundaries with my mom, whenever I talked to her about the issues she would just say "it's your mom, she means well" and stuff. Again, I just bottled it all up and cried alone. It's a lot better now. Mom is trying.

My sister is now living in our grandparents house full time.

Now there are diferences in the issues too. The gender thing plays a lot there. It's as what I've said. My gender issues are not that significant. My mom makes me feel like I'm disgusting unhygienic monster because I don't feel like I have to shave all the time. I spent years to convince her to let me cut my hair as I like. I wanted to dress up as a male character in some costume party once and she was like very defensive "do you WANT to be a boy!? If you do you can't tell me, it's okay (is it mom? are you not just saying it? -_-), but if you don't you are NOT going to dress as a boy!!" How the fuck can I explain being (possibly) non binary to her? But like. It's not that big of a deal. Being seen as a "boyish girl" is wildly more acteptable that beeing seen as a boy with feminine traits. It was DEFINITELY harder for my sister in this regards.

But... I can't say it doesn't hurt. That she was given this opportunity that I was not. That dad and her mother still talk and he can act like a mediator. That she is feeling at home in this place I was supposed to feel at home at since I was a baby but I don't actually feel. That I just had to suck it up and deal with my mom the hard way while she got this place to breath.

And it's just selfish jealousy. It is. It's dumb. I love my sister and I want to be to her the support that I did not get. But it HURTS.

It hurts how multiple times I've listened to her talk about her issues and reassured her and then after I leave her (in the bedroom we share when I'm at grandma's) I go hide to break down alone because the thing she is talking about reminds me of things that are troubling me at the moment as well.

I hate myself so fucking much.

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lostmyurl · 8 years ago

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This is a personal post about my own identity, about some realizations I have long since been coming to, something I need to get out and organize and get off my chest, so please don't come here with any generalizing comments, or about how I'm generalizing people. This is me, my experience, my dysphoria, my life. If you want to reblog or leave a comment or something, or inbox me, or something, you're more than free to, just please, please realize that this is about a post me and my self-image alone. As a kid, I always wanted to be a scout. Always. I never did, though. We only had Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts back in Texas, and in Poland, too. Idk. It just didn't sit right with me to be included in "oh, just girls here" or "oh, just boys here." I don't like gender-separated areas, and I never did, even if I didn't know why it put me off so much. I mean, I guess I didn't know when I was that young that it was dysphoria speaking up? But as I got older, and I started to hit puberty, shit just started getting a LOT worse. I had a period of time where I decided, nope, you're DEFINITELY a cis girl, I wore so much pink it was bizarre and outrageous. I like the color still, just… I feel bad because I associate it with that period of time really intensely. So I can't wear it at all or I just… hm. It's a shame, really. It's such a nice color. But it's just tied to so many memories of trying to wipe out anything I felt that didn't fit. After that, it was a period of 'so what the fuck are you?' Anybody who knew me about two years ago knew I kept changing my mind, trying to figure out what was going on because nothing felt right. A friend had to suggest it, if maybe I wasn't just imagining things/had low self esteem/was gnc, and really, for the longest time, I wondered if I was a closeted trans boy. But while being addressed as "he" helped, it didn't feel right, either. It was SO LONG until I realized that what actually felt right wasn't the decision to use "he" or "she," it was the actual moment of hesitation, the fact that I was presenting androgynously enough for it to be unclear. It's… still really really frustrating and muddled, but I've figured out enough about reading testimonies from trans people to know that what I'm experiencing is definitely a combination of dysphoria and euphoria. Here's the thing, though. There's a distinct line between nonbinary and gender-nonconforming (gnc). Being gnc would mean that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or wrong when somebody used a set of binary pronouns for me in accordance with my assigned sex, or even the one across the binary. You can be gnc and cis, or gnc and binary trans, and one doesn't preclude the other. And neither of those means nonbinary. It's an identity that's… okay. TMI, I guess, but ideally? In a world of people who identify as men and women, I'd like to inspect my own body, go on a character selection screen, and remove all primary and secondary sex characteristics traditionally thought of as belonging to binary genders. Penis? Wrong. Vagina? Wrong. Boobs? Wrong. Facial hair? Wrong. Hourglass figure? Wrong. "Dorito" figure? Wrong. Et cetera. Et cetera. I'd like to be freed from all of those and I don't know why it's weighing on me so heavily. Delete, delete, delete, even if it meant leaving me a near-featureless default doll. Before anybody accuses me of hating people, I don't mind any of those traits on anybody else. This is my own body I'm talking about, a truly personal experience and an idealized dream. In dreams, I am occasionally perceived as male, rarely as female. Regardless, whenever I can remember, I have always been "other" in my dreams. You know- like on multiple choice exams, 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' 'D,' 'none of the above is correct'? Like that. I first learned that nonbinary genders were a thing from a classmate. Pejoratively. Like they were other, lesser, freaks. "What do you mean, neither? You can't be neither." It was religious studies class, that I remember. Of course, that wasn't the word they used. It was "homo-niewiadomo," a partially reclaimed slur that literally translates to "homo-who knows really" and doesn't just refer to gay people but any people falling under the queer umbrella as a whole. I was torn between "what???" and this kind of "that's a thing?" My next experience was on tumblr. I met a wonderful person who actually lives in my city. We've met nowadays. Years later. I was a kid then, maybe 15? 16? They said… I don't remember what it was. Gender-questioning? Something like that? I didn't pretend to understand, not yet, but I wanted to know more. All this sounds like I've had a lot of influence, but really, so much of it was based on introspection, questioning, doubting. Yeah, self-harm happened, too, whether by actually drawing blood or intentionally forcing myself to embrace hyperfemininity or by pushing myself to the point where I can't wear a color I love because it has all those negative associations with things I did to myself, things I said, trying to cut off unwieldy and inconvenient parts of my personality and decide I'm "moving on." I did the same thing about being autistic, about being ADD, and I look back on that now and realize that all I was doing was ensuring both my mental health and my physical health suffered. And my grades. Those dropped too. Performance in all respects. I ruined a lot of friendships that way. I guess some of that is a behavior learned from my parents. Forbid anything that's not productive or conductive to school that you're too "dependent" on. It's… really the worst fragment of their parenting (I think it's how they approach themselves, too) I could've possibly internalized. And something that disappeared basically overnight as soon as I was old enough to point out it wasn't actually helping, it was hurting. Now it's just there in my head, eating at me. They're not bad people. They're not bad parents. They treat us like human beings, instead of like enemies to trap in a maze of "because I said so" and arbitrary obstacles, like so many fakey-nice perfect suburban American families I've seen. They're learning, too, their home lives weren't perfect and they're not prepared to deal with a neurodivergent (not "normal") kid at ALL. They're always so confused about how "brilliant" I am and how I have trouble with "easy" stuff, about how I get overwhelmed with too much input. About how no, exposing me to that input doesn't help, it just increases the chances of a grown adult having to lock themselves in a dark room bawling into a pillow because it's /too much/. The truth is, I don't know. I know that what I need to alleviate dysphoria is basically impossible. That unlike a binary trans person I do not have the possibility to transition and eventually attain the body I identify with. This is why I can't go back to the Bible Belt, or attend a super-religious school I might've gotten a good scholarship from. I can't. If I had to go back to all that, to dressing up and doing makeup and "girl talk" and asserting over and over and over that I am like you, I am like you, I am like you, I would lose my sense of identity completely. What fragile sense I've even built up for myself. A person I can be now, somebody I almost like. Not quite, but almost. It's progress. So much progress. I'd go back to hating myself for not being like you, yes, of course I'm crushing on a boy, oh, yes, absolutely, please help me look more feminine more often, I'm just a clueless tomboy who doesn't know what she's missing :) :) :) If you're a girl who loves engaging in typically feminine activity, I support you and your interests, as I would if you were anybody else and your interests didn't hurt anybody. But it's not for me, and honestly, it's silly, but so many of my nightmares involve people turning on me and deciding they'll help me look more like I'm supposed to, be like I'm supposed to. "You have such a beautiful woman's body! Don't throw it all away!" you can have it you can have it you can HAVE it please take everything, take the horrible breasts, take the horrible curves and the horrible cinched waist and the awful "delicate features" right off my face. I don't want these. I can't be grateful for something that I look in the mirror and I feel can't belong to me, it shouldn't. It's wrong. That's not me. Please don't tell me "you're a pretty girl, you should appreciate it," don't tell me I'd like it more if I wore more skirts, I promise, I TRIED that. I did. I tried all the possible ways of loving myself and embracing a female identity in both gender-role-conforming ways and not. It doesn't work. It's like a software patch called "gender" was installed in almost everybody's brains except my own. All I'm left with is extraneous hardware that acts as malware without the driver patch. In a way, though, things are looking up. I've managed to figure out a thousand and one ways to avoid the entire (gendered) past tense in the language I speak at home. I've figured out a thousand more ways to avoid revealing, I've learned to see when I'm succeeding and when I've slipped up, when their eyes shine in triumph and they finally use binary pronouns without asking. Would it be so hard to ask? I'm not even sure what I'd say except "thank you." It's only happened once to my face without snark and it was the best thing I'd ever heard. I blew it. I wasn't expecting it. I shrugged and said "whichever you please" because I got so flustered, I didn't know how to respond. It was unexpected. It was wonderful. I should've said "neither, really." I could've said "I'd prefer not to say." If I hadn't been speaking Polish, I would have asked for “they.” Maybe. If I had the guts. "Whichever you please" was a step in the right direction though… right? This post doesn't have a point. Not really. Just laying some stuff out in text because they finally make sense that way. If you want to send hate, save it for other posts, okay? Have a shred of dignity and comment on posts tagged discourse, or posts in which I express an opinion about something that isn't this introspective.

#personal #Lynn speaks #nonbinary #ok to reblog #genderqueer #queer #familial #self harm TW

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sillyfudgemonkeys · 8 years ago

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How I think P3D should go down pt 1.

Persona 3 Dark Hour Dance will probably be the name.

Ok so I finished the PQ2 thing, onto the next “How I think this should happen,” unlike the PQ2 thing where my main focus was on B-plots than the main plot (I was waiting for P5 to be released so I could get a better idea, so at that point the main plot was just going to be similar to PQ), P3D however is kind of my baby as I’ve been kicking around ideas since P4D’s announcement. And while some minor things have changed over the past two years the main plot is still the same and so are the themes (I actually debated writing it as a fanfic that’s how much I had planned out, but sadly I don’t have the time so get ready for a very long summary/jist of it instead split up into multiple parts :’D)! Only spoilers here will be of Persona 3 and P4D (with maybe some of the P3/4 spinoff games referenced too) but no P5 spoilers as they aren’t going to be present here so don’t worry. With that here we go:

Quick note: I’ll be referring to the male MC as Minato, I don’t think we ever got actual confirmation that Makoto Yuki is his canon name, but nonetheless this post is part of a series and I do bring up P5 characters in those posts, and to avoid confusion with them (aka P5!Makoto and P5!Yuki) and so I don’t have to put P3!/P5! In front of their names, I’m just calling him Minato. Another note is that I won’t be referring to the city this takes place in by name but I will try to give hints to where they probably are, see if you can figure it out! 8U

Similar to P3 and P4D it opens with an animated cutscene. It almost mirrors P3’s shot for shot, just with the person who is walking more obscured (and with the camera focusing on heavily zoomed up shots of the body as to avoid giving away anything about the figure even gender) and “different” music is playing, and as each shot changes there is a change in the song, like the beats start to slowly sound familiar. (pictures to help give a flow)

The scenes in the P3 cutscene where it flashes to Yukari instead flash is instead flashed to a young, brown haired girl at a studio (similar to the P4D opening cutscene with Kanami as a kid) the kid we see feels familiar but we don’t really know why; the little girl seems to be practicing a dance routine but seems hesitant to do one of the dance moves (mirroring Yukari’s hesitation to pull the trigger), the last scene with the little girl is where she decides to go for the move and pulls it off (so this instead opposes what happens to Yukari, but her situation makes sense). The little girl is ecstatic and then muses “I did it! I can’t wait to show sensei! *looks at clock* I should keep practicing before my lesson begins…. *pouts* You better not be late sensei….”

And then we flash back over to the body that we have been following (at this point the song is still unfamiliar). We get a shot of the person getting on/riding the train/bus (mirroring Minato getting on the train)

And then a shot of them getting off the train but instead of stopping and the Dark Hour taking over the figure keeps on moving and the music still keeps going (indicating this person is in a hurry and they know where they are going). The final shot is one that mirrors the panning shot of Minato looking at the dorm. (except from up to down, it’s from down to up)

This is where we finally see the figure we’ve been following. Last zoom in on the figures feet (which come to a sudden stop right when a giant gust of wind hits), on the last motion of each foot there are two very familiar beats, the camera zooms out at brisk pace as a very familiar song’s music begins to bellow, the camera zooms up the legs and briefly register the person is wearing sweat pants, then the torso we register that the person is wearing a sweatshirt with the number 22 on back, and then we see the back of the person’s head…..a girl with a messy, brown haired bun. Just then the wind eases up and we see a butterfly fly in front of the girl’s face only to then fly around her and into the camera, right as she turns her head the “BURN MY DREAD!” lyrics finally kick in. We see the girls face as she looks at the butterfly, red eyes with her pins arranged in a roman numeral 22 fashion. She continues to look at the butterfly in awe (mean while the music builds higher and higher, with the lyrical line ‘Burn my dread’ increasing in epicness along with the music). She keeps looking in the butterfly’s direction, then has a sudden look of panic (as if she remembers she’s late for something) and turns and runs through the doors.

The music stops with a “DUHN” right as the doors close and there’s silence. And then in the blackness we hear a voice say “You’re late! I’ve been waiting a long time for you!” in the voice of the little girl we heard earlier.

We quickly jump right into another cutscene, we see a familiar hand suddenly whisk out a piece of paper saying, “If we want to proceed, please sign your name here.” The camera zooms out and we see a red headed woman, it’s Mitsuru, the person holding the paper is Aigis. Mitsuru looks at Aigis waiting for her to continue, “Don’t worry, it’s just a contract. It’s just to make sure we take responsibilities for our actions. You know….the usual stuff.” Mitsuru sighs before grabbing the paper and signing it. The scene then transitions over the P4D Visual Novel style. The begin discussing about the events of P4D, they muse how trouble seems to follow those kids. They are upset that they didn’t act in that situation (as they didn’t get the shadow reading/alert early enough and the kids resolved really quickly). But because of that incident, and the data they gathered from the P4 kids, they were able to see a similar shadow reading occurring in a town and are hoping the can investigate it before anything bad happens. They decide they need every single person of the SOs on deck if it’s anything like what happened in P4D, but they won’t get the P4 kids involved (as if anything happens to the SOs, the P4 kids would be the world’s last hope). That being said, they would still keep 3 of the P4 kids close (Naoto, Rise, and Yu), Naoto because she is working a case nearby, Yu because is living in the next town over, and Rise because she has work to do at the studio that they are attending. Mitsuru and Aigis are both amused as it seems like trouble really does seem to follow them.

The scene transitions over to the girl we saw in the opening with the little girl. They are finishing up the lesson, the little girl is berating her sensei (whom if you haven’t realized by the description is the P3FeMC) being late.

Little girl: You were so late! *pouts* Older girl: *pouting back* Hey hey it was only five minutes! And I made it up to you by staying over for 4 times as long! LG: Why were you so late?! OG: I was waiting for the mail, but the mailman came late….. LG: Oh! Ok! Wait so does that mean you got it? :D OG: *depressed* No….. *orz* LG: Oh no…I’m sorry…. OG: It’s ok…. ;w; *stomach grumbles and she shakes off her depression* Ahhhhh all this running around and being sad has made me hungry! How about it, wanna grab a bite? My treat! LG: Really?! Can we get takoyaki! :D OG: Haha sure!

So yeah, Takoyaki the girls’ favorite (hint hint). Just then the dance instructor from P4D (Coach is what I’m calling him, he was never given a name so yeah just calling him that….also yeah I’m using male pronouns for him only cause English ver uses those and I just don’t want confusion). So anyways, Coach comes in and greets the girls: “Well well well, if it isn’t my little protégé Ni-chan! Well not so little anymore since it looks like you have your own little protégé too, Maiko-chan is it?” Yup, the little girl is Maiko, then 2nd grader from P3, tho now she’d be in like 5th grade (same grade Ken was in P3 8U). Ni(-chan) is what Coach calls the FeMC (note I’ll be calling her Ni from now on), though we later find out that’s just a nickname, the entire game she is actually referred to in a nickname form (similar to how Minato/Makoto didn’t really get a canon name ala PQ, her canon name is not revealed). Also, this is the first time Maiko meets Coach, and is the first time she’s heard that variation of Ni’s nickname (later you’ll hear people calling her other names, they’re all nicknames there’s meta reason is to avoid giving her a canon name for yet another game 8U).

Maiko: Ni-chan? Ni: I-it’s another nickname is all… Maiko: I’m gonna call you that instead from now on! :D Ni: *comically distraught* H-huh? No more “Sensei?!” D: Maiko: Wait so you know Ni-chan mister? Ni: Nooooo she’s already started doing it! TT_TT Coach: Haha sorry Ni-chan! And yeah I’ve known her since she was around your age!

We then get a little backstory on Ni’s past and concerning dancing and how she was a prodigy and was able to land a job at the agency (to teach beginners at least) and how she was in high school when she started the job. The conversation then goes back to Takoyaki.

Coach: Haha you must really like Takoyaki Maiko-chan! What’s your favorite? Ni: Favorite? Isn’t it all octopus? Maiko: Actually my favorite is in Port Island, and it’s called Weird Takoyaki! Ni: *winces* Nnng. (no one notices) Maiko: Yeah and Mister/(o)Nii-san used to treat me to some all the time! Ni: *back to normal* Nii-san? Maiko: Yeah he was someone who used to play with me all the time! Ni: He sounds like a great guy then! Maiko: Yup! Actually he reminds me of you Ni-chan! Coach: Ah! Nii-san and Ni-chan! Is that why you latched on to that name? Maiko: Haha yup! They’re so alike! Ni: I wanna be called sensei again! ;w;

The scene ends. Also Ni is portrayed to be very outgoing, energetic, and nice throughout what we’ve seen, but her demeanor does crack for a second (wonder why :D Hint hint remember this).

The next scene then transitions over to the SOs, well some of them. Mitsuru, Aigis, Labrys and Akihito are there (the others will be showing up the next day). They discuss the possibilities of this shadow situation being different compared to what they’ve faced in the past. Different being, they might have to use the power of dance to defeat shadows. The problem is that….no one but Junpei (cause you know Saturday Night Fever pose he does canonically) Aigis and Labyrs (cause they can matrix download dance moves if they want to)...and maybe Yukari (she’s pretty hip to things so I wouldn’t be surprised) knows how to dance. XP But Mitsuru being Mitsuru and always wanting to be prepared, has come up with a plan! She suggest they learn something like “fight dancing” (yes it’s sounds really stupid, but it’s the only way I can see it working in-canon and lordy lord it’ll be glorious in soooo many ways). Ok so, basically everyone knows how to fight, everyone probably knows a few songs, and basically they’d just be mixing something that is like a “fight choreography” to music. Considering fight choreography in movies kinda go about a similar way to actual dance choreography.They will of course throw some actual dance moves in (this IS a dancing game I swear 8U) but for the most part it’ll be like a fight dance choreography thing. Akihiko is not exactly fond of the idea as he’s thinking he’ll look dumb....until Mitsuru says that shadow boxing to a beat might give him a unique rythme and be good for training. 8U Aigis comments that she won’t lose to anyone in the “do the robot” dance move as is the self proclaimed best at it. This is where we get our tutorial, either Aigis or Mitsuru dance here. (I should note that Aigis and Mitsuru are probably going to fulfil the Yu and Rise roles of this game).

We transition back over to Ni’s side of the story . She’s back at home, she talk talks to herself a little bit only to decide to take a shower (paralleling Kanami’s scene in P4D where she talks to herself and then checks the website only to take a shower). There’s a cutscene where Ni is getting up to get ready to take said shower only to stops and look at her computer; and the camera zooms in on a USB drive, it cuts back over to Ni’s face whose face goes from (cutely) neutral to fairly serious before walking away muttering “not right now.” There’s a quick shower scene (just like with Kanami), though it cuts to her after she’s finished her shower and is fully dressed, and is now drying her dripping wet hair in front of the mirror. She stops for a second to look at herself, some water roles down her face, then suddenly there’s a quick change in seneary! Everything goes dark, and the water on her face and towel are now red as blood. And then as suddenly as it appeared, it’s gone and the lights are back on. Ni freaks out jumping away from the image falling down, and then she slowly gets back up to look at herself in the mirror again. (panting and really shaken up by what she saw).

Ni: *touches face* Ni: *looks at towel* Ni: *touches mirror* Ni: *realizes she’s ok* Ni: *inhales* It’s ok, it’s ok. You’re just.....seeing things cause your tired. That’s right.....Just go to bed and you’ll be fine.

The scene ends with a few zoom shots in the room, ending on a zoom in on the USB drive.

Part 1 end.

cont pt 2

#persona 3 #p3 #persona 3 portable #p3p #persona 4 dancing all night #p4d

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ineedrelationshipadvice · 5 years ago

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Maybe we don’t actually want to date.

Okay well, your first thought with all this is DON'T PROPOSE. Like, for real, that is some batshit crazy thoughts intruding into your head. "I share no future with this person and I don't really even like them. MAYBE WE SHOULD MARRY?!?!?" That is actually nonsensical.

The second thought that comes along with things is that your other reflected feelings seem to be your best plan. It's good that it's come to your mind that you two aren't compatible. Yeah, it would be unfortunate to lose something that you've invested in like this girl. But as you said multiple times, you feel this relationship is one-sided, and you have no real attraction to her. Sure, you are affectionate with one another, and that's good that you can fill those needs for one-another. But if we're talking strictly about romantic relationships here, if there's nothing for it there, then the only question that needs to be asked is why are you still in a relationship that is not servicing you?

Another thing that needs to be made quite clear is that this is an issue on your end. Regardless of whether you believe she is attracted to you, whether because of your gender or because of other reasons, the fact here is that YOU are not attracted to HER. You don't see a future. That means you are the source of this issue, not her. This is not about her misgendering you, or what she may or may not think; we are not mind-readers, and unless you have some psychic mind-reading powers that I'm not blessed with, you don't actually know what she's thinking. As you say yourself, "even if her attraction to me is real and genuine," implying that you have no clue what she thinks.

That reality, furthermore, means that because you don't know whether her feelings to you are legit or not, you could essentially be leading her on. Let's say that she is head-over-heels in love with you. That's awesome! Let's say if you did hypothetically propose, she'd say yes, because she wouldn't mind investing her whole future into you. What does that mean for you, a person who has zero interest beyond your friends, and zero attraction, someone who is actively questioning the fundamentals of the relationship? Imagine being with a person and learning that they actually don't care about you at all, and were just kind of kicking the can of the relationship down the road because it was convenient. That's pretty heartbreaking.

You need to end this relationship at least in a romantic content. You need to clearly state, as soon as possible, that you're no longer happy with the romantic aspects of your relationship. You two can be friends, you two don't even have to change much of the way you're acting at present. You can still be affectionate, still love each other, all that good stuff. But you need to shift this to a platonic relationship, or at least discuss with your partner about the issue, and reorient yourself. You can't keep stringing your partner along like this with no knowledge whatsoever. Discuss this and try to figure out both how she feels, and then decide what you want to do as someone who doesn't have true, long-term, romantic engagement in your current affairs with this relationship.

_______

ORIGINAL MESSAGE

Okay, it's a complicated one: My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. We are both transgender (I'm ftm, she's mtf), and I'm about 60% sure that's why we're dating. She frequently refers to herself as lesbian, though does clarify that she's bisexual, but strictly homoromantic. I myself am asexual and homoromantic as well, which goes on to connect to the fact that I've never really felt any romantic attraction towards this girl because she is, well, a girl.

Anyway, I don't mind being around her, and I even look forward to our weekly dates. We hold hands and maybe cuddle, but that's as far as we've ever gone and that's really as far as I'm comfortable going. In all reality, our relationship seems more like an exclusive friendship with a special label. We say, "love you," all the time to each other, but again it seems more friendly on both ends that in any way romantic. I also think that she doesn't really see me as a guy, what with her slipping

Up on my pronouns frequently and her whole thing about being strictly attracted to girls romantically, though men sexually, and I am, again, asexual. Even if her attraction to me is real and genuine, mine to her is not, and I feel bad letting this relationship continue one sided. When we talk about our future neither of us share the same plans, and I don't want her to be stuck with someone who can't love her the way she deserves. However, the thought has come to mind a lot lately to Propose to her, and it's a pretty persistent thought. What do I do?

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h0lybasil-blog · 7 years ago

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Facts Are Not Feelings

The double-edged sword of activism linguistics.

QUEER LANGUAGE

If you know me at all, we’ve probably gotten into a conversation about linguistics at some point.

I’m particularly interested in the way language affects our ability to connect with one another, and how what we say influences how we feel.

A lot of activists in the queer community are also quite concerned with linguistics, and it’s an issue every person seems to relate to differently.

This morning, I woke up to a thread of Facebook comments on a casting call I posted, requesting “male bodied humans”.

The word choice was intentional. I didn’t want to ask for “dudes” or “men” because a fair amount of the dudes and men I know have vaginas. While I love them and want to celebrate their bodies and experiences, this particular project required someone who inhabits a biologically male body, regardless of how they identify their gender, which is a totally personal detail, and doesn’t have a lot to do with the body you inhabit, in my opinion.

Usually, when I’m at work, I am usually “in drag” as a cis-woman - I am dressing the part that society expects when they see my physical form. I’m comfortable with this! I’m also comfortable when I leave the house in jeans and a backwards baseball cap. Because I don’t identify as either gender, dragging as both can be a fun experience, and a powerful way to play with image.

I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m doing my best.

How I choose not to identify seems to cause confusion in people who aren’t up on the “in-group slang” (aka people who exist within the bounds of mainstream culture) — I’m not a man, not a woman, not a feminist, not a liberal socialist, not an anything, really, as I believe identity politics only lead to frustration.

But Tate, didn’t you just tell us all that you’re “queer”?

Yes! I did. That is an identity. You caught me :) While I claim my queerness, I am still a human first. I think that might be what I mean by identity politics — letting a facet of your experience become the lens through which you interpret and interact with the rest of your experiences.

This is hard. I want to be kind and respectful to everyone. I also want to be able to express myself in a way that feels authentic.

This next thing is difficult to say, because I know it will upset some people who are passionate about social justice:

I’m tired of being yelled at. Especially on the internet.

Today, I was accused of marginalizing and contributing to the physical harm of trans people. Going back to labels and identity politics, I don’t choose to call myself trans, though multiple people have told me that technically I qualify as transgender, since I don’t fit into the socially expected gender of my body. I don’t identity as trans because I think that while the word may have a more inclusive annotative definition, it is my perception that transgenderism has been culturally understood as males who identify as women, or females who identify as men.

Let me take a minute to explain this, before you start scrolling to the comment section to tell me that “female” and “male” are improper ways to describe people’s bodies.

Male/female are the medical ways we describe most of the population’s genetic sex. To be crass, a person usually has a sex organ that is either an innie or an outie, and that sex organ usually determines the balance of hormones they have in their body, and the shape and appearance it takes overall. Taking out of the mix people who have modified their bodies with hormones and surgery (fuck yeah for the freedom to body modify!), I am fully aware that individuals exist who’s bodies generate hormone imbalances, or are intersex.

These people are valid, and I care about them. I care about everyone. I want all of us who feel less than supported and celebrated by our current social/political/economic system to be free from whatever is telling them they aren’t allowed to reach their full potential. Just because someone is different than you doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be respected.

A lot of people prefer to use “AFAB/AMAB” or “DFAB/DMAB” — assigned/designated female/male at birth. To me, these terms are practically analogous with “male/female bodied human”, though I can see the argument that FAB/MAB is more inclusive to people who are intersex, as it acknowledges their being marginalized/erased by the medical system.

So why use the clunky term “male/female bodied human” if it causes strife?

Well, I use “female bodied human” to refer to myself, as I find it to be validating of my gender in the many situations where I am qualified for participation due to my female sex, regardless of the fact that I don’t identify as a woman. Work, for one, when it involves playing a role, as it often does. (Quick shoutout to Asia Kate Dillon for using their notoriety to leverage a much-needed change in the entertainment industry!)

Just because a silly string of words makes me feel comfortable, it might not work for everyone. And I think we need to be okay with that!

PRONOUNS

This is something I have struggled with. I prefer “they/them/theirs” pronouns. It’s awkward to ask people to use what feel like foreign language to refer to me. Most who aren’t a part of the queer scene will be confused by me “referring to myself as multiple people”. In a lot of ways, that feels accurate and comfortable for me — it feels like a truer reflection of my multi-faceted human experience. (Not that cis-gendered people can’t have multi-faceted experiences…)

I don’t ever expect perfection, nor total understanding, but if someone wants to be in my life, I do expect them to try. It’s hard to understand someone’s existence that you can’t relate to, but that’s where empathy comes in. While pronouns may be tricky, I don’t think it’s hard to understand someone’s desire to be seen as their true self. I think everyone should have the opportunity to identify however feels authentic, and also to have the freedom to disengage with people who don’t desire to respect their self-perception.

It’s all personal choice!

I identify as human, and I use my human capacities to work towards the greatest good for all humans, as far as I can understand it. Seems simple, right?

As it turns out, not really. Society is big, and takes time to change. We do change, though! Less than one hundred years ago, I likely would have already been jailed for taking one of my love interests on a simple date. In this country’s short existence alone, we have come to see women as more than property, black people as more than slaves, and homosexuals as more than perverts. I know we can do this gender thing, but it’s going to take work.

In the English language, we regard pronouns as a “fixed class” of words. This isn’t technically true, as “fixed” in this case just means “harder to change”, not “permanent”. More than two classes of pronouns for humans is so new to the mainstream, it’s still just a little larvae of a concept. We have a while to go before alternative pronouns are a butterfly of language, free and easy.

EDUCATING THE MAINSTREAM or COMPASSIONATE ACTIVISM

This is not something I ever thought I would say, let alone publish, but I want to publicly thank my mom for getting into a comment debate on my Facebook page. She brought up some valid points, properly gendered me, and was gracious to a stranger who (I believe with good motives) angrily typed in her direction.

Let me paint a picture: my mom is a self-described “boring 52 year-old” real estate agent who lives in San Diego. It has taken years of learning how to share my feelings and preferences with her to help her understand my perspective and experience. The conversation has spanned over a decade, and took a lot of incremental retooling as I became more comfortable with myself, as well as a better communicator.

I started with yelling at her as a teen, and slowly moved through stages of avoidance, confrontation, and finally listening to her — letting her teach me how to ask for what I want from her. We have learned to meet each other halfway in our vastly different life experiences. While one of her best friends is publicly gay, she doesn’t have access to the young, queer scene up here in Los Angeles. Hardly anyone does.

In activist communities, there is a lot of conversation around wanting people who aren’t in the know to “self educate” before they even ask questionsabout someone’s life they can’t begin to understand. Have you ever thought that since these people are open and curious enough to ask questions, they might be worth a few moments of your time and knowledge?

I’ll be the first to admit, if I observe said person starting to speak combatively, I walk away. No one deserves to be the whipping boy of a bigot. I trust you, compassionate activist, to make the distinction between a naive, normal person and someone who is festering in their hatred for things they don’t understand (usually including themselves).

If we weirdos, as the self-appointed teachers of the rest of the known Universe, can take the time to educate ourselves on how to best express our thoughts and ideas, we might start getting somewhere. But please, no more yelling.

I’m not saying no yelling in general, just no yelling at people. If like me, you have neighbors, great places to yell are into a pillow, in your car, and that’s about it.

It is so explicitly important that we learn how to communicate in a way that invites others to experiences and revelations, rather than chastises them for not knowing the newest in-group slang. It’s not fair to be mad at someone for not knowing something that you didn’t know less than a year ago.

If you know something before others, congratulations! You get a chance to be a teacher. It’s one of society’s most esteemed — and poorly paid — positions. In fact, you’ll be doing this job for free. But you don’t care, because you believe in the cause of all people being treated with respect!

So, let’s start by mastering how we introduce our philosophical ideals. Let’s be kind and generous with people who we perceive to be less knowledgable than us.

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

I can’t recommend highly enough that anyone who does any kind of activism familiarize themselves with the concepts of NVC (Non-Violent Communication), which is self-described as a system of “skills that foster compassionate relating”. I’m not saying it’s a perfect system, but I think it’s a lot better than what we currently fumble with, which is a lot of blaming, name-calling, and CAPS ATTACKS — three things I’m sure your rational mind recognizes as inefficient ways to get people to listen to you.

But Tate, gender/queerness/feminism/racism/etc. are emotional issues! We aren’t allowed to be emotional about emotional issues!?

Yes, these issues have deep emotional ties, which is why the conversation is hard. I’m glad you have strong feelings about oppression! I do too. Let’s examine how we want to transmit our feelings about injustice to those who may not be so aware, in an attempt to bring them on our team of humanist do-gooders. (Yes, it’s probably because of privilege that they aren’t aware of the way that some people struggle. No, I don’t think using the word “privilege” is going to strengthen your argument. It’s still in-group slang.)

Calling someone an oppressor is not going to get them to listen, either. We have to stop blaming white people. We have to stop blaming straight people. We have to stop blaming men. Mainstream culture is a representation of the average social experience. Yes, we can look back and see that a lot of our societal infrastructure is the product of many years of non-consensual power imbalance, but that doesn’t mean that every straight white guy alive today has to pay for it. It’s no more their fault that our world is unfair than it’s your fault for being whatever you are.

I’m saddened by the number of awake, compassionate men I know who have expressed the only way they feel welcome in any political conversation is to shut up, and publicly reduce themselves to a string of insults, “I’m a hopelessly cis-straight-white guy”. Perpetuating the cycle of blame and shame is not what we need. We need everyone on board, inspired to be their most compassionate and inclusive selves. We can’t do this by alienating most of the mainstream population, a lot of whom are smart and have skills to contribute.

If you have someone in your life who you want to introduce to the concepts that have freed your mind from the oppressive systems at play, please treat them with the same respect you want to be treated with.

I often find this NVC formula quite helpful. Ready for a mini lesson?

Verbally identifying these aspects of emotionally charged situations — in order — has been extremely valuable to me.

Observation

Feeling

Need

Request

Observation: What this means is, first, I want to identify — without judgement — exactly what is happening. This is different than an interpretation of events, which is often how we defend ourselves when we feel our ideology or identity is being threatened. I’m not using this example to shame anyone, but because it is fresh in my mind, I will use the Facebook debate as an example.

With the use of NVC skills, the conversation might have looked more like this:

“I notice that you’ve used the term “male-bodied humans” to effectively refer to “men”. Some trans people have told me that this is not how they like to be identified.”

2. Feeling: Next, I like to relate how what I’m observing affects me. Not how the other person “makes” me feel, because that isn’t a real thing, but how I naturally react to what I’m observing.

“I feel uncomfortable knowing that some people might feel excluded or erased by your choice of words.”

3. Need: This is the most important part. Relating your feelings back to a universal human need, and acknowledging the other person’s needs establishes mutual respect and understanding. Helping your conversation partner feel seen and cared for will do the opposite of attacking them - it has the potential to open them up to learning something new.

“I recognize our need to be specific when referring to people, and to have clear concepts for effective communication. I also want to respect the needs of others to be seen and accepted with our use of language.”

4. Request: Lastly, this is how adults ask each other for things. We make requests. We don’t demand, and we don’t passive-aggressively stew in our disbelief that someone hasn’t already read our mind and acted perfectly according to our silent desires. We ask specifically for what we want out of the interaction, and are prepared to hear “no”. No ultimatums.

“May I request you consider changing the term you use? I can suggest a different term that might be more palatable to more people.”

SUBJECTIVE OBJECTIVITY

People are rooted in their personal experiences more than anything. We all experience our objective reality through unique, subjective lenses.

Because my subjectivity has led me to like the term “male/female bodied human”, it will probably take me a good amount of convincing that my preferred terminology (as someone who is already on the fringe of society) is unacceptable.

We run on an infinite treadmill of PC terms turning into slurs. It seems like each week another word goes out of vogue. We can’t get mad at each other for not knowing the latest, least “offensive” way to refer a person or concept.

We aren’t going to achieve equality by cyclically pushing people down and blaming them for our problems, which are all built on the backs of dead people. That’s why our prisons are filled to the brim with people of color. That’s why trans people are getting murdered daily. It’s not because I used the term “male/female bodied” (as a fellow “trans” person!) — it’s because we don’t know how to change the mind of the opposition.

This is exactly why political revolutions fail: the oppressed become the oppressors. Facts are great, but they won’t change people’s minds. People aren’t changed by statistics and lecturing. People are changed by personal experience — in other words, people’s opinions are changed by their feelings. (Ever wonder how Trump became our leader? Certainly not with facts.)

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