#yeah those are wefts

[emkini]

Assignment description: Make a costume! At least one element has to be your own creation.

Me, taking this as an opportunity to go completely fucking overkill:

[viciousewe]

Ok I thought getting a spinning wheel (especially an electric one) would “fix” my spinning impatience problem by sheer virtue of the fact that it is faster, but um. I seem to just be getting impatient faster as well. :/

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

So. Lena as a stitch witch/thread mage. She spends multiple hours-long sessions with Kara's cape in her lap, her fingers slowly moving across the warp and weft, lingering every painstaking millimeter. Kara sees her do it, Lena tells her exactly what she's doing (imbuing the cloth with protection magicks) -- its not a secret by any means.

A couple months/years later, Lena develops the means for laypeople to see magic. (Think one of those magnifying ring lights that scientists and crafters use.) Kara thinks its dope that her girlfriend is so smart. But then she gets bored, and wanders into the lab alone to poke around. She's idly swishing her cape around her, as one does, until she pauses, recalling those days Lena spent with said swath of fabric.

Kara knows what magic looks like by now-- they've used it on a couple of magical items they've found around the city, trying to track down an unknown magic user. It looked like gentle ripples, undulating over the surface of the object.

As Kara takes a handful of her cape, drawing it towards the lens, she wonders what color Lena's magic is.

The fabric shines so bright under the magnifying glass that it sears Kara's retinas, temporarily blinding her.

"Mother of-- Rao!" Rearing back, she slaps her hands over her eyes, now watering, and tries to blink away the newly won shadows from her vision. "What the--"

"Kara?"

The sound of Lena's footsteps rushing to the lab draws Kara's attention.

"What happened--?"

"Jesus-- me being an idiot happened," Kara grumbles, blinking rapidly to try and focus on where Lena should be. All she sees is a large dark blotch. "Hey, what did you calibrate that thing with?"

"One of Nyxly's artifacts," Lena responds. Warm hands take Kara by the elbows and guide her over to a nearby stool. "I wanted to be able to distinguish between fifth dimensional energy and true magic. Here, can you follow my finger?"

"What finger?" Kara quips. The blotch is already beginning to shrink by a fraction, assuring Kara that the damage to her vision isn't permanent. Her mind spiralled.

Nyxly had had magic unlike the world had ever seen. More powerful than Mxy even. None of the artifacts they'd put under that lens had come anywhere close to producing even half that effect.

"Kara, will you please tell me what you were doing--"

"I wanted to see what your magic looked like," she says, bluntly. "My cape..."

"...oh." Lena's voice is quiet. "Yeah, that--"

"Probably wasn't the best idea. Clearly." Kara tries to grin, but she knows it probably comes up flat. "But my god, Lena..."

"Florence says I have an affinity for magic. Like my mother."

"This," Kara gestures towards her eyes, "is more than an affinity."

She hears Lena swallow. "Please don't be scared. I would never do anything to hurt--"

"Scared? Lena, I'm-- I'm in awe of you."

A beat of silence follows, before Lena's hands settle in hers. "Please don't be that either. I'm just me."

Kara blinks, and smiles towards the hazy silhouette of Lena's hair, in its usual gentle waves. She tugs Lena closer, until Lena relaxes towards her and lets her forehead rest on Kara's.

"Just you is amazing."

[mijlen]

Finally finished with my latest custom doll!

It's a glam take on Minty from My Little Pony (G3), specifically A Very Minty Christmas.

Lots of details went into this doll, and it took far and away longer than any doll I've made before. I lost track, but the hours spent easily go above 20.

Details about the construction below the cut!

Face and body

I started with a Vandala Doubloons base for the face mold, which I sliced open 😱 to create my first set of inset eyes. I just love Vandala's face mold, it's very unique and cute compared to others in the MH line (My base stock box dolls have all been super well loved, btw, so no I didn't destroy a mint in box Vandala. I would NEVER!!) The body was a headless stock box Abby, but I only decided to do that after trying and failing to do a peg-leg transplant on Vandala. It didn't matter, in the long run, since I was going to be painting the entire body anyway. Lots of coats of mint green artist's acrylic, cut with lots of flow builder medium, and about three coats of Mr. Super Clear between those coats of paint, and I had my base.

I knew the silhouette and hair I wanted for Minty from my earliest concept sketches, and looking at them I realized: this silhouette won't look "right" on a standard MH slimline. So it was time for some Apoxie sculpt! I gave her some bust and butt implants, as well as some hip and tummy augmentation to round things out in a way that would better serve the design. Then, more paint and Mr. Super Clear to make the body cohesive.

Hair

The hair is entirely acrylic yarn. Not only wefts, but I also achieved the voluminous high pony look by needle-felting a ratted base, around which the rest of the wefts were attached. Then, I had to curl them. This was by far one of the most time consuming parts of the process, but I love the outcome. I used the hot chopstick technique. That is, heating up a metal chopstick with a straightening iron, and twisting individual strands of hair around it. It keeps the hair from scorching, and allows for some truly tiny, glamorous curls.

Clothes

The gown is hand-sewn, but definitely not removable lmao. It's hard to get such a tight fit on such a tiny doll without using stretch material, and I was using costume satin, so I just glued the bodice down once I'd done all I could with darts and alterations.

The skirt went through a few iterations, with different colors being layered in for the trumpet skirt including sheer mint green, sheer white chiffon, and different shades of pink satin. And yes, those were all fully sewn as I made the decision. 😭 Eventually I went with three tiers in the basic hot pink as the rest of the dress, figuring I would add the contrasting color pops with beading.

Oof, the beading. It was a lot of hand beading. Bedazzling? idk what to call it. All I know is that many hours were spent over a pile of rhinestones and beads with a wax pencil and some Liquid Fusion glue, listening to extremely long YouTube video essays as I worked. The more I added, the more I WANTED to add, and I decided not to pull punches.

I added some volume to the skirt with stiff tulle and a half-assed cage skirt made of armature wire. You can't see it, anyway - it's the EFFECT that matters. Speaking of things you can't see, she's just wearing some unembellished hot pink G1 Draculaura boots. 😂

Details

The accessories, including the peppermints and the Here Comes Christmas Candy Cane, were all made with Apoxie sculpt, hand painted/detailed, and varnished. Perhaps my favorite little detail are her "acrylics," which I added using a technique I saw Hextian use in a video - you touch a dab of hot glue to the doll's finger, then pull it back slowly, and trim once dry. This creates a really fun effect of fake nails.

So yeah. This doll was a labor of love, and I'm so glad I didn't take any half-measures along the way. I'm very proud of her. Hope you like her!

One more note: YES I realize the irony of not having any SOCKS involved in an MLP Minty design. I really do regret this, and agonized over it a LOT. I considered making a “pajamas version” of this same doll so I could do a socks-themed outfit, before I realized the dress would need to be glued on. 

[maleficentmrsofallevil]

Hodge podge

Feeling better, but not paint a room better, so still working through stuff that's been hanging around the house.

I am finally finally going through the fabric hoard I inherited, and man, have I found some gems, including a gallon plastic bag full of silk (!) remnants, a vintage big suitcase full of yarn (acrylic, cotton, wool, and even some angora), and a ton of notions I didn't realize I owned. Cool beans.

Here's a close-up of the disintegrating pleather Switch-a-Witch top:

The skirt is just as bad.

Around *mumble mumble* years ago, I scored a human hair bob wig for $5 at a thrift store. I was a little surprised to see it - I figured those are rare (and pricey), and normally you would gift something like that to someone else. I think it's for a kid, cuz it was dirty. There was pink stuff that looked like gum or chewy candy in it, and the hair was coarse and grungy.

After a brief internet search ("how to wash a human hair wig"), I gently combed out the worst of the tangles, ignored the recommendation to buy specialty wig shampoo, squirted some Pantene Pro-V 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner into a bowl of lukewarm water, put the wig in, and gently squeezed the soapy water through the hair. The water turned a shade of brown that made me queasy.

I rinsed, gently squeezed out excess water, wrapped in a towel to get the wig to damp instead of dripping wet, and then used a silicone-loaded conditioner all over it. I rubbed the conditioner into the hair with my fingers for a few minutes while watching a movie, and then back into the bowl it went for another rinse, squeeze, and towel-dry.

The next thing the instructions said to do was let the wig dry on a wig stand. I don't have a wig stand. I do have a Xin Meng Doll Magical Angel Iris, so I stuck a microfiber cloth over her head and put the wig on top to finish drying. She didn't complain, so I figure it was a decent hack.

Rainbow High combs have teeth too close together (they kept pulling out hair), so I used a Fail Fix brush to smooth out the hair. I like it:

But also, I now know why it was donated instead of gifted. The wefts are super thin. If you don't have the hair styled just so, you can see straight through the wefts to the cap underneath. Imagine trying to convince a kid to keep their wig styled just so. Yeah. I'd have donated it too.

I think I'm going to Jayne Mansfield it and use some basting stitches to tack it to the other wig underneath. There's a LOT of space between wefts, and the cap underneath is a mesh, so I might try tying on some plastic hair to add more color, too.

I looked into doll knitting, and I found a suggestion I want to try: shrink the weight of the yarn and knitting needle gauge from human to the scale of doll you want. So if a human gauge sweater is (I don't know if this is right) 16 stitches over 10 cm, to make a 1/3 scale version, smaller needles and finer yarn would result in 48 stitches per 10 cm for a 1/3 scale doll (16 x 3), 64 stitches per 10 cm for a 1/4 scale doll (16 x 4), etc.

Turns out you can get all sorts of free people knitting patterns with lots of colors and designs from places that sell yarn. They want to sell yarn, and if you want to convince someone they need to buy something, well...

Kitty. (Free pullover sweater pattern from Lion Brand yarn company) You can oh-so-conveniently choose your size and order all the yarn you need for a person. That's some clever marketing, Lion Brand.

[dapurinthos]

installing patches in my trousers because of these fucking thighs that i never asked for have done their very best job and worn through the linen from the constant chafing. i picked off some of the pilling because this really is a loose weave (though i would say ALL modern linen is loose weave compared to today's, see the following tangent:

very sheer linen cloth, ca. 1492 - 1473bce - 46 warp/30 weft per cm - metropolitan museum of art 18th dynasty loosely woven royal textile - 32 warp/32 weft per cm; 80/80 per inch 18th dynasty royal plain weave - 15 warp/15 weft per mm 18th dynasty royal plain weave - 25 warp /13 weft per mm - tatiana sol verdon thesis (yeah, you read that right. i read that right. it's actually by millimetre) undecorated linen cloth, ca. 6 - 800ce - 27 - 29 warp/19 weft per cm - metropolitan museum of art

vs. fabrics-store.com’s linen (what i would consider to be the most widely available and ‘generic’ of linen fabrics, which are grown and processed throughout eastern europe with some fabrics dyed in the us) which actually lists the warp/weft thread counts for its different cloths.

rustic linen, 15/12.6 per cm, 241g/m2 all-purpose, 18/14.5 per cm 180g/m2 handkerchief - 22/17 per cm, 125.5g/m2 luxury - 19/19 per cm, 180g/m2 gauze - 15/16 per cm, 95g/m2

spoonflower's belgian linen, 335g/m2, just has its thread count listed as '50', without any indication if this is the entirety of the threads, just the warp or the weft, or even what unit of measurement is being used.

onlinefabricstore's belgian linen equals out to 20.5 warp and 10 weft for a 341g/m2.

...

completely unscientifically: yes. even allowing that the preserved textiles were from royal burials, indicating that the quality would be quite high, but even disregarding that, the 32/32 warp/weft one is considered 'loosely woven' and that thread count is higher than the ones that i could find online because for some reason no one wants to list their linen thread counts. even if you look at sheets, those numbers are 80 - 150 per inch, so 31.5 - 59 threads per cm, and even then when you half them to make an even warp and weft, you end up with 15/16 - 29/30 warp and weft threads per cm, where that undecorated 6 - 800ce cloth ends up with 48 threads per cm, so.

[theexecutionerstoolkit]

You Doing You

You might be able to get away with being good occasionally but people will notice when you’re being good all the time. Your strengths, your weaknesses. Your good practises, your slippyness. You can’t hide that. It’s less incidental and more in the weft and the weave. Over time, inescapable. Over time, obvious. If that is what you are then that’s what you are. Whatever you do, you end up doing you.

If you want to get better in your career then usually there’s a path of progression through qualifications, certification, your degree, your diploma, etc. So, it appears you can make progress through technical qualification. These are gate entry criteria only. They allow you the opportunity to start but if you want to advance then you need to look to your personal development.

That’s not to say that the demands and rigours of acquiring some qualifications and accreditations aren’t in themselves transformative. No doctor or lawyer is the same person at the end of their 7 years of study as they were when they started. Of course there might be some form of winnowing. A sorting of the wheat from the chaff, but some adaptation is definitely required. Not all qualifications provide that sort of transformative pressure. It’s interesting and it makes me wonder what other positively transformative processes I could commit to? What would improve who I am and as a result improve my progress in my chosen field? This commitment to writing an article a week. It might have some effect. Hopefully. I know endurance sports like Marathons, Iron mans, and Triathlons do push us past previously considered boundaries. Endurance and persistence can be learned. I’ve learned just a tiny bit more courage getting into the cold swimming pool in the mornings. (BTW, It’s heated). The good old beyond your comfort zone trope. Truisms.

It remains though, whatever you do, you end up doing you. And the way to get better at doing is to become a better you. That’s it really. Without some work on myself there will be no advancement. And why wouldn’t I want to? Become a better me? Why wouldn’t I want to get better at getting things done? To live a better life? To achieve more of my dreams and ambitions? Why wouldn’t you?

Whatever that is. Whether it’s better at listening, attention or awareness? Better at engagement, commitment or detachment? Better at understanding or focusing? Better at starting or finishing? Better at courage, or caution or boundary control? Better at those things I haven't mentioned. Because I haven't thought about them. Because here I am, doing me.

"Work hard at your job and you can make a living. Work hard on yourself and you can make a fortune." Jim Rohn

That’s inspiring, but actually I’m not looking for a fortune. If that happens that’s good but I’m more looking for a better me living and enjoying a better life. I’m far too short sighted. I don’t want to have to wait a year or twenty before realising my dreams and ambitions. I’m lazy and greedy. I want change now. I want to see small improvements every day, rather than some sudden change in some eventual future. There’s not much time. I’m getting on. I could die. I want my pudding now. Jam everyday!

But I have thought about it. What would I do with a Brazilian bucks? I’m sure you have too? Winning the lottery. Maybe, just buy the ticket. Perhaps I’m sad, or dumb, or lacking in imagination but what I want is whatever I’ve got now. Sure, I’d like that mortgage gone, but it’s going. It just needs to go faster. I’d like a better car, but it does the job. I live in a great neighbourhood. Sure, it could be better. I’m close to great facilities and yeah, blah, blah, blah.

The point is I already have almost everything I could want in this life and much more than I ever expected. And I’m even happy despite myself. Well actually, there is the Riva. On the river. Or, on Lake Como. But I’d take that boat out maybe ten times and in between leave it to moulder on the mooring. All shiny toys get old. If I had a Brazilian bucks, that wouldn’t improve things in the way I want. The only way to do that is to make me a better me. And that is something in my control. Something I can actually do something about today.

And I can do that everyday. It doesn’t need to be a lot. It’s not too challenging. It doesn’t need others. It needs me. A little everyday. I can choose something small and I can work on it. What to start with? Maybe something that will help with all the other things? I’d say being better at understanding, attention and focus will provide the lever element that will help me with all and any of the others. Maybe better appreciation of what I have too? I’m going to start with understanding for now.

Well, The first thing I’ve done on this mission is to run to Quora and check what everyone else says about the How of Understanding. Here's the answer, collated into a list with the stuff I don’t like left out. Because I’m here, doing me.

Ask questions. That’s a Duh, but I like this, the steady digging down into the detail

Read. Then read again. No matter how hard it is to grasp the first time. The second, third and fourth visit will add to the clarity. Don’t give up. Yes, good. Read actively. Make notes. Fuck that book up. Doodles, exclamation marks, underline, highlights. Cross stuff out because you don’t agree with it. Own it.

Recall. Try remember what it is you were trying to understand underneath the doodles

Teach others. What you don’t know yourself!

Get some rest. All that. It’s exhausting.

It makes sense and it’s all good stuff, but how do I improve my skill of understanding so that it can be applied to whatever I choose to focus on?

Lying.

It’s a horrible thing to say but we all lie. And we tend to lie to ourselves most of all. One good thing about goodish people is that all too often they are compelled to confess. Even in the moment of the lie. If I hear that, the inferred confession, it’s a Tell. Beside hesitation, weasley words and those other things. (No, I’m not telling you). I hear that and suddenly, you have my attention! I’m not good at it but it’s one of those background things that gets triggered. I almost never call anyone out on their lie though. If it’s done as a means to soothe or satisfy then I accept that. And if it is done for nefarious or self serving reasons then calling it out only helps the liar to improve on their game.

“You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your art of war.” Napoleon Bonaparte

Help them get better? I won’t. Oh don’t worry, if you are a sociopath I will never catch you in your lie. It’s your life that gives that away.

Understanding.

It’s the same thing. If I can pay attention to my own understanding and identify that thing I’m trying to gloss over or mumble through, then that is the place to focus. If I have a bit of fuzziness when others are trying to explain, then that’s the place to focus. That grey zone. If I’m really going to be a better me then I need to turn up the volume on understanding just a little.

Next, Attention.

[naefelldaurk]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you @discordantwords for tagging me!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 22 as amaruuk 18 as EllisWard

2. What’s your total A03 word count? 642,619 as amaruuk

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently BBC Sherlock and Good Omens. Earlier works include dueSouth (tangentially from which I got the name amaruuk, which is Inuktitut for two wolves, though I am the least wolfy creature on the planet), an X-Files/Forever Knight crossover, The Fugitive (movie), Lord of the Rings, a Doctor Who/Escape from New York crossover, and a couple other one-offs. As Ellis Ward I wrote exclusively Professionals (Bodie/Doyle).

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Warp and Weft (Good Omens)

After the War (Good Omens)

Resurrected Mice (Good Omens)

MatchMade! (Good Omens)

Just in Time (Ten/Good Omens Crossover)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Always! I'm thrilled whenever anyone takes the time to comment.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably Over Sea, my LotR story which follows Frodo to the Blessed Realm. Its angsty ending comes from the disparity in how time works in Middle Earth vs Aman (much faster in the latter), so that Frodo laments outliving all of those he left behind, though he (and Sam, thanks to the gift of dust and a Mallorn seed given him by Galadriel) is alive at the end.

I live for happy endings. Fanfic is my refuge from the pain of the world and I would never impose an angsty ending on the characters I write (though I might torment them a bit in the body of a story).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? See 6 above. They're ALL happy. :D

8. Do you get hate on fics? The only story I've written in The Avengers universe incited some particularly intense objections because of my take on Tony. Some folks are deeply possessive of their characters and I understand that. Otherwise, no. Thank goodness.

9. Do you write smut? Yeah, I'm one of those who wants to know what's going where, but without being excessively graphic. So, sex scenes for the sake of smuttiness, no. Sex scenes to convey affection and deep emotion, yes.

10. Do you write crossovers? I've done two. An X-Files/Forever Knight, Act Three, that ended up having a surprising amount of plot. The other featured Doctor Who's Leela encountering Escape from New York's Snake Plissken, A Selfish Way to Commit Suicide, which also worked out surprisingly well. (K-9's in it, too!)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Once. A very long time ago. Someone took a Bodie/Doyle fic, reworked a bit of the verbiage, and put it out as a Kirk/Spock story (!). The plagiarist (who was understood to be a very good writer on her own merits), sort of stepped into the shadows until the kerfuffle kerfuffled out. Honestly, it didn't bother me overmuch. I was more surprised by how others in the fandom reacted: there was a surprising amount of heat and fervor on my behalf, bless them.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? No.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? I'm going to be honest and say that it depends on which ship is commanding my attention at the time. I'll always feel a deep fondness for the ships that have gone before, but the current one (now that Good Omens was stabbed in the heart by Neil Gaiman) is Sherlock and John. The writers in this fandom are astonishingly good!

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I have a handful of outlined stories that I will never write, but I only post completed fics.

16. What are your writing strengths? It's important to me that the storytelling is clear, the characters in character, and the dialogue authentic. I can't say that I always achieve that, but I do try very hard to do so.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? There are times when I would say "everything." When the writing is not transparent, when the reader is seeing the mechanics of my writing, then, yeah, that's a weakness. I try to avoid that.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I am so envious of others able to do this. I can't.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Star Trek. A very long time ago.

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written? So far, in Sherlock, What It Can Be. Season 4 is an acknowledged insult to the fans, but it also gives rise to a certain compulsion TO FIX; this story deals with the aftermath of Sherlock's drug use and John's abuse of Sherlock in The Lying Detective. In the Good Omens verse, I would have to choose After the War, in which Adam allows Armageddon to proceed, Heaven loses, and Aziraphale is given to Crowley for services rendered. It's actually very dark, with an element of "fuck or die," but in the end they prevail.

I’ll tag @eventhorizon451, if they haven't already been invited.

[casspurrjoybell-30]

Bonding with the Enemy - Chapter 12

*Warning Adult Content*

A New Development

"Do not leave my sight," Sophie ordered as they got out of the car.

Darren shrugged half heartedly.

"Pretty sure we agreed that that would be a bad idea at this point."

After breakfast, Darren had to wander around town with Sophie, similar to how he had to do so with Jasper.

This was the downside to being a rogue.

Pack rules required that any visiting rogues be constantly monitored by a trusted pack member to make sure they didn't cause any trouble.

It made sense, to a degree. 

As if running around shopping wasn't bad enough though, he was also forced to do all the carrying, then was immediately dragged over to the park where three of the missing kids were last seen.

The park itself was a flat field of grass with a soccer goal, a swing set, a jungle gym and a small rock climbing wall.

There were a few picnic tables under the nearby trees and a jogging trail that ran through the woods.

If Darren had to guess, whoever took the kids had probably hidden out in the trees away from those paths so they wouldn't be spotted.

A sudden squeal followed by crying drew Darren's eye to a toddler who had just fallen off the swings.

The boy's mother quickly scooped him up and started inspecting his head, though it didn't look like it was too serious of an injury.

The swing wasn't very high off the ground after all.

"Well?" Sophie asked, looking around the park.

Instead of replying, Darren started wandering closer to the trees in case there were any spirits lurking out of sight.

Sophie followed close behind as she continued to scan their surroundings.

At first, Darren wondered if she was still trying to spot ghosts herself but then figured she was more likely searching for overlooked evidence that the police may have missed.

After a brief search, he determined there were none in the woods.

"Nothing. I've only spotted two ghosts in this entire town. What the heck happened to them all?" Darren thought out loud as he returned to the playground.

Sophie tilted her head.

"What do you mean? Were there more before?"

"Yeah. At least, it felt like there were," Darren said, scratching the back of his neck in thought.

He had been pestered by spirits every month when he was younger.

He had grown accustomed to one particular spirit, a man in an old fedora, who used to stand around the bus stop quietly.

He never looked up or said a word.

The spirit had creeped Darren out at first but after a while he became like a permanent fixture that never moved from that one spot.

The rogue briefly wondered if the man's spirit was still lingering there.

"Is that Jasper?"

Sophie froze in her tracks, as did Darren when he heard that name slip from her lips.

Instantly he scanned the park for confirmation.

After last night, he wanted to distance himself as much as possible from the Alpha.

So far he was able to stave off his heat by focusing on the investigation but there was no telling how long that would be enough.

Luckily the bastard stopped trying to call out to him through the bond.

Darren's eyes eventually found their target.

Jasper was currently standing by his Nissan in the parking lot.

The man looked... well, he looked normal to say the least.

The rogue had hoped the Alpha would be out of it for at least a week.

Guess shock didn't last that long when it was caused by supernatural forces.

Huffing, Darren decidedly ignored Jaspers sudden appearance and started heading for Sophie's car.

He figured the man was here on Alpha business anyways.

"I weft it ovew hewe," came the voice of a young child.

The adorable accent had the rogue turning his head to find a chubby little girl by the swing set.

She was possibly only five or six and digging through the wood chips.

A man then walked up behind her and began doing likewise.

"Sweetheart, I think someone may have walked off with it by now," he cooed to the little girl.

The child pouted and tossed a handful of woodchips at the nearby swing.

"Nuh uh," she argued on the verge of a fit.

That was when Darren finally found his ghost.

She was an elderly woman in a hospital gown, standing near the rock climbing wall and pointing at the ground.

Her transparent figure hovered a few feet away as she stared the child down, hoping to be seen somehow.

Veering from his original course, Darren approached the spirit and looked where she was pointing.

There, half buried in the wood chips, was a silver heart shaped pendant.

Without a word, he picked it up and called over to the two.

"Hey. Is this yours?"

The father looked up and saw the chain hanging from the rogues hand.

Relief washed over his face as the little girl squealed.

Before the man could stop her, she ran over to Darren, arms outstretched.

Her adorable efforts to reach the piece of jewelry drew a giggle from Darren as he handed the necklace over.

She clutched it in her chubby little hands and smiled up at him.

Her adorable efforts to reach the piece of jewelry drew a giggle from Darren as he handed the necklace over.

She clutched it in her chubby little hands and smiled up at him.

"Thank you," the father said as he caught up.

"That was her grandmother's pendant. I didn't know she snuck it out of the house. I'm so glad it wasn't lost."

"No problem," Darren noticed that the old woman was smiling fondly down at the little girl.

Out of nowhere, the rogue was caught off guard by the child's sudden display of affection as she wrapped her arms around his knees.

Darren's eyes shot up to the father and he held his hands up harmlessly.

As a rogue, it was not appropriate for him to address a pack members child in any way.

The father smiled in understanding.

"Come on Darla. We gotta get back home before mommy wonders where we are," he said, patting his daughter's head.

"Say thank you to the nice man."

"Thank yew," she said, waving goodbye and leaving the park.

Darren waited till they were out of earshot before turning to the ghost.

"Hey," he greeted her.

"Do you know anything about the kids that have been going missing around town?"

The old lady stared at him, trying to register what was happening.

"Are you speaking to me?" she asked.

"Yeah. I'm trying to help find the kids and thought that since no one living knows what's happening, maybe you would? I mean, if someone is taking them then I'd assume they wouldn't know how to sneak around ghosts."

She smiled sadly.

"No young man. I haven't seen anything. I only stay by my granddaughter's side."

That sounded about right.

If a ghost is haunting a person, then the person they were haunting would have to have been near a victim when they were abducted for the ghost to have seen anything themselves.

"Right. Okay. Well, if you do see anything, can you let me know?"

"I can do that," she agreed, then her form started to vanish as the man and daughter pulled out of the parking lot.

"Thank you young man."

Once she was gone, Darren turned to find not Sophie but Jasper standing directly behind him.

He yelped in surprise and put a hand over his racing heart.

"DO NOT DO THAT. Do you know how unpleasant it is to be startled by a face like yours?"

Jasper didn't say anything and instead kept looking down at the rogue, observing him.

Darren waited a few seconds before waving his hands in the man's face.

"Hello? Earth to Asshole? What's your problem?"

The Alpha seemed to snap out of it quite suddenly and proceeded like everything was normal. 

"I need to talk to you."

"I'd rather not," Darren snorted and began trudging towards Sophie's car.

Sophie hurriedly caught up with him.

"Darren," she called.

"Wait. It might be about the kids."

The rogue stopped and glared back at Jasper questioningly.

"Is it?"

"Yes and no. I need to talk to you alone."

Darren wanted to snap at him again but if he was going to get anywhere with the missing kids, he knew he'd have to suck it up.

So, he nodded towards Sophie who stepped back and let the two have some space.

"Okay, now what?"

Jasper sighed, unhappy with Darren's less than respectable tone but not quite irritated.

"We got the results of your background check this morning," he began.

"You have a tendency to get in trouble a lot, you know that? You've reportedly found several other bodies before. You also helped uncover a pedophile three years back, caught two murderers, saved an assault victim last year and... well the list goes on but your record says you're just a construction worker with a GED."

"You do realize that dealing with the dead tends to involve a lot of dead people, right?" Darren all but rolled his eyes.

"Or just bad people. After all, ghosts who died peacefully don't usually have unfinished business."

Jasper seemed to look at Darren in a new light.

Somewhat appreciatively and that was when the rogue realized it wasn't himself he was appreciating but his ability, which was what he feared when he first revealed his powers.

Subconsciously he rubbed the collar around his neck and backed away.

"Was that all you wanted to say?"

"No. I also wanted to talk about yesterday."

"I'm not apologizing," Darren immediately snapped.

"I don't want you to, because I'm pretty sure it's true," Jasper admitted.

The rogue couldn't help the dumb look on his face as he stared at his old abuser.

Jasper noticed his expression and shook his head.

"Look, I know I was an ass in school. You know that better than I do apparently. I didn't think what I was doing was that bad..."

"Seriously?" Darren interrupted.

"What makes you believe it wasn't serious? We just dealt with a case of abuse through emotional manipulation and you're telling me that making classmates act like your literal slave in exchange for friends is not the same?"

Another look of shock crossed the Alpha's face but this time it was only brief as he turned away.

He seemed lost for words at first but once he collected himself he turned back around with determination.

"This is why I need your help."

That wasn't the response that Darren was expecting at all.

"Excuse me?" 

"I need your help," Jasper repeated, looking Darren square in the eye. "After you mentioned that I might have...."

His expression went manic for a second but he shook his head to clear his thoughts and continued.

"After what you said, I realized it might be true but no one else was willing to talk about it. All they said was that you were wrong but... but I don't think you are."

"You're just now figuring that out?"

Jasper sucked in a breath.

"She's blocking me on purpose. It's not because she's shy. She's angry. I can sense it. And what you said was the only explanation that makes sense. Actually, a lot of what you say makes sense. No one else is willing to tell me things the way you do. And after seeing your background, I don't think you're the kind of person I pegged you for at first, so I'm sorry I treated you like shit earlier."

Darren shook his head.

"Just for earlier? What about the hell you put me through in high school?"

"I'm sorry for that too," Jasper breathed out slowly, maintaining eye contact.

The asshole actually looked somewhat sincere.

"I think... I could learn a thing or two if we worked together."

"Fat chance," Darren snorted.

He had no interest in accepting anything the guy was saying.

It was too sudden and he had a feeling the guy was only doing it to impress his mystery mate, not knowing it was actually Darren.

If that was the case, the guy couldn't possibly be sincere.

"Since I'm cleared of your suspicions, I'd rather investigate independently."

"About that," Jasper said, shaking his head.

"We also got the autopsy back on the body we found in the woods."

"Hunting accident?" Darren more stated than asked.

That was his initial suspicion.

The guys body had probably been dragged into the shrubs by an animal trying to store it for later.

The Alpha shook his head.

"That's what the coroner believes but the pack doctor did their own examination. Based on his injuries and the animal hairs on the body, he says it looks like a werewolf attack."

[lemememeringue]

I am suffering™️ trying to detangle her hair so here’s more cursed imagery

[sugar-splenda]

Taylor, turning the lights on their bedroom:

Me sitting on the bed: Do you ever wonder why the greens where in that moon in the first place? How did they manage to get so many ships down without anyone noticing? Was it an international cover up or did no one seriously noticed something was going on? Is this an Infinite IKEA situation where the greens pull people from different universes or are they just playing with time itself? The time pulse was definitively something interesting, I wonder how it works. It truly made the peak disappear and then reappear after some seconds. I wonder what would have happened if we put objects or people where the peak would be when it comes back. I have some theories, one the peak is actually just changing places like Arika does with Warp and Weft. If this is correct, then the person could possibly be changing places to where the peak was when it comes back, but the other alternative is being encased by the peak or merged, I'm not sure which one would be best for a painless death. My other theory relies on time travel being a thing and I really don't like time travel but what if the peak was artificial and the greens took it from another time in the moon's history? again, I prefer to think the peak is somehow warping to another place, perhaps even to another universe? You weren't near the entrance of the peak for us to know for sure, sadly. But anyway what is up with the chinese writing on the walls? I wonder what happened to the astronaut suits the hosts wore, because they must be somewhere. The body can decay and be consumed by the greens but there has to be evidence of the bodies in the first place, and If i am not mistaken the material they use is not too ecofriendly. Oh and talking about ecologic things, why did that moon have a breathable atmosphere? from my understanding, it must have bacteria that realizes the conversion of whatever compound is in the air and transform it into something similar enough to earth to not have lethal consequences. Oh god did you get checked, please tell me you went through all types of medical checks we don't know what is the impact of the experiences you had in your body you could be developing a cancer from all that radiation in the black hole (yeah tunguskite was absorbing it but do you know how much radiation those things produce) and we are not even going to start on the PTSD you could have.

Taylor: wha- how did you get my address? Are you wearing my stuff?

[moonpaw]

Is there....Is there a place to read the entire uwu-fied bee movie script? I'd love to send it to all of my friends for reasons that don't involve making them curse at me for putting weird shit in the discord again

BEHOLD

THE ENTIRE BEE MOVIE SCRIPT BUT HEWWO-IFIED

Bee movie scwipt - diawogue twanscwipt

accowding to aww known waws of aviation,

thewe is no way a bee shouwd be abwe to fwy.

its wings awe too smaww to get its fat wittwe body off the gwound.

the bee, of couwse, fwies anyway

because bees don't cawe what humans think is impossibwe.

yewwow, bwack. Yewwow, bwack. yewwow, bwack. Yewwow, bwack.

ooh, bwack and yewwow! let's shake it up a wittwe.

bawwy! bweakfast is weady!

ooming!

hang on a second.

hewwo? owo

- bawwy? owo - adam? owo

- oan you bewieve this is happening? owo - i can't. I'ww pick you up.

looking shawp.

use the staiws. Youw fathew paid good money fow those.

sowwy. I'm excited.

hewe's the gwaduate. we'we vewy pwoud of you, son.

a pewfect wepowt cawd, aww b's.

vewy pwoud.

ma! i got a thing going hewe.

- you got wint on youw fuzz. - ow! that's me!

- wave to us! we'ww be in wow 118,000. - bye!

bawwy, i towd you, stop fwying in the house!

- hey, adam. - hey, bawwy.

- is that fuzz gew? owo - a wittwe. Speciaw day, gwaduation.

nevew thought i'd make it.

thwee days gwade schoow, thwee days high schoow.

those wewe awkwawd.

thwee days cowwege. I'm gwad i took a day and hitchhiked awound the hive.

you did come back diffewent.

- hi, bawwy. - awtie, gwowing a mustache? owo  looks good.

- heaw about fwankie? owo - yeah.

- you going to the funewaw? owo - no, i'm not going.

evewybody knows, sting someone, you perish.

don't waste it on a squiwwew. such a hothead.

i guess he couwd have just gotten out of the way.

i wove this incowpowating an amusement pawk into ouw day.

that's why we don't need vacations.

boy, quite a bit of pomp... undew the ciwcumstances.

- weww, adam, today we awe men. - we awe!

- bee-men. - amen!

hawwewujah!

students, facuwty, distinguished bees,

pwease wewcome dean buzzweww.

wewcome, new hive oity gwaduating cwass of...

...9:15.

that concwudes ouw cewemonies.

and begins youw caweew at honex industwies!

wiww we pick ouwjob today? owo

i heawd it's just owientation.

heads up! hewe we go.

keep youw hands and antennas inside the twam at aww times.

- wondew what it'ww be wike? owo - a wittwe scawy.

wewcome to honex, a division of honesco

and a pawt of the hexagon gwoup.

this is it!

wow.

wow.

we know that you, as a bee, have wowked youw whowe wife

to get to the point whewe you can wowk fow youw whowe wife.

honey begins when ouw vawiant powwen jocks bwing the nectaw to the hive.

ouw top-secwet fowmuwa

is automaticawwy cowow-cowwected, scent-adjusted and bubbwe-contouwed

into this soothing sweet sywup

with its distinctive gowden gwow you know as...

honey!

- that giww was hot. - she's my cousin!

- she is? owo - yes, we'we aww cousins.

- right. You'we wight. - at honex, we constantwy stwive

to impwove evewy aspect of bee existence.

these bees awe stwess-testing a new hewmet technowogy.

- what do you think he makes? owo - not enough.

hewe we have ouw watest advancement, the kwewman.

- what does that do? owo - oatches that wittwe stwand of honey

that hangs aftew you pouw it. saves us miwwions.

oan anyone wowk on the kwewman? owo

of couwse. Most bee jobs awe smaww ones. But bees know

that evewy smaww job, if it's done weww, means a wot.

but choose cawefuwwy

because you'ww stay in the job you pick fow the west of youw wife.

the same job the west of youw wife? owo i didn't know that.

what's the diffewence? owo

you'ww be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off

in 27 miwwion yeaws.

so you'ww just wowk us to death? owo

we'ww suwe twy.

wow! that bwew my mind!

"what's the diffewence? owo " how can you say that? owo

one job fowevew? owo that's an insane choice to have to make.

i'm wewieved. Now we onwy have to make one decision in wife.

but, adam, how couwd they nevew have towd us that? owo

why wouwd you question anything? owo we'we bees.

we'we the most pewfectwy functioning society on eawth.

you evew think maybe things wowk a wittwe too weww hewe? owo

like what? owo  give me one exampwe.

i don't know. But you know what i'm tawking about.

pwease cweaw the gate. royaw nectaw fowce on appwoach.

wait a second. Oheck it out.

- hey, those awe powwen jocks! - wow.

i've nevew seen them this cwose.

they know what it's wike outside the hive.

yeah, but some don't come back.

- hey, jocks! - hi, jocks!

you guys did gweat!

you'we monstews! you'we sky fweaks! i wove it! i wove it!

- i wondew whewe they wewe. - i don't know.

theiw day's not pwanned.

outside the hive, fwying who knows whewe, doing who knows what.

you can'tjust decide to be a powwen jock. You have to be bwed fow that.

right.

look. That's mowe powwen than you and i wiww see in a wifetime.

it's just a status symbow. bees make too much of it.

pewhaps. Unwess you'we weawing it and the wadies see you weawing it.

those wadies? owo awen't they ouw cousins too? owo

distant. Distant.

look at these two.

- ooupwe of hive hawwys. - let's have fun with them.

it must be dangewous being a powwen jock.

yeah. Once a beaw pinned me against a mushwoom!

he had a paw on my thwoat, and with the othew, he was swapping me!

- oh, my! - i nevew thought i'd knock him out.

what wewe you doing duwing this? owo

twying to awewt the authowities.

i can autogwaph that.

a wittwe gusty out thewe today, wasn't it, comwades? owo

yeah. Gusty.

we'we hitting a sunfwowew patch six miwes fwom hewe tomowwow.

- six miwes, huh? owo - bawwy!

a puddwe jump fow us, but maybe you'we not up fow it.

- maybe i am. - you awe not!

we'we going 0900 at j-gate.

what do you think, buzzy-boy? owo awe you bee enough? owo

i might be. It aww depends on what 0900 means.

hey, honex!

dad, you suwpwised me.

you decide what you'we intewested in? owo

- weww, thewe's a wot of choices. - but you onwy get one.

do you evew get bowed doing the same job evewy day? owo

son, wet me teww you about stiwwing.

you gwab that stick, and you just move it awound, and you stiw it awound.

you get youwsewf into a whythm. it's a beautifuw thing.

you know, dad, the mowe i think about it,

maybe the honey fiewd just isn't wight fow me.

you wewe thinking of what, making bawwoon animaws? owo

that's a bad job fow a guy with a stingew.

janet, youw son's not suwe he wants to go into honey!

- bawwy, you awe so funny sometimes. - i'm not twying to be funny.

you'we not funny! you'we going into honey. Ouw son, the stiwwew!

- you'we gonna be a stiwwew? owo - no one's wistening to me!

wait tiww you see the sticks i have.

i couwd say anything wight now. i'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

let's open some honey and cewebwate!

maybe i'ww piewce my thowax. shave my antennae.

shack up with a gwasshoppew. Get a gowd tooth and caww evewybody "dawg"!

i'm so pwoud.

- we'we stawting wowk today! - today's the day.

oome on! aww the good jobs wiww be gone.

yeah, wight.

powwen counting, stunt bee, pouwing, stiwwew, fwont desk, haiw wemovaw...

- is it stiww avaiwabwe? owo - hang on. Two weft!

one of them's youws! oongwatuwations! step to the side.

- what'd you get? owo - picking cwud out. Stewwaw!

wow!

ooupwe of newbies? owo

yes, siw! ouw fiwst day! we awe weady!

make youw choice.

- you want to go fiwst? owo - no, you go.

oh, my. What's avaiwabwe? owo

restwoom attendant's open, not fow the weason you think.

- any chance of getting the kwewman? owo - suwe, you'we on.

i'm sowwy, the kwewman just cwosed out.

wax monkey's awways open.

the kwewman opened up again.

what happened? owo

a bee died. Makes an opening. See? owo he's dead. Anothew dead one.

deady. Deadified. Two mowe dead.

dead fwom the neck up. dead fwom the neck down. That's wife!

oh, this is so hawd!

heating, coowing, stunt bee, pouwew, stiwwew,

humming, inspectow numbew seven, wint coowdinatow, stwipe supewvisow,

mite wwangwew. Bawwy, what do you think i shouwd... Bawwy? owo

bawwy!

aww wight, we've got the sunfwowew patch in quadwant nine...

what happened to you? owo whewe awe you? owo

- i'm going out. - out? owo  out whewe? owo

- out thewe. - oh, no!

i have to, befowe i go to wowk fow the west of my wife.

you'we gonna perish! you'we cwazy! hewwo? owo

anothew caww coming in.

if anyone's feewing bwave, thewe's a kowean dewi on 83wd

that gets theiw woses today.

hey, guys.

- look at that. - isn't that the kid we saw yestewday? owo

howd it, son, fwight deck's westwicted.

it's ok, lou. We'we gonna take him up.

reawwy? owo  feewing wucky, awe you? owo

sign hewe, hewe. Just initiaw that.

- thank you. - ok.

you got a wain advisowy today,

and as you aww know, bees cannot fwy in wain.

so be cawefuw. As awways, watch youw bwooms,

hockey sticks, dogs, biwds, beaws and bats.

awso, i got a coupwe of wepowts of woot beew being pouwed on us.

muwphy's in a home because of it, babbwing wike a cicada!

- that's awfuw. - and a wemindew fow you wookies,

bee waw numbew one, absowutewy no tawking to humans!

aww wight, waunch positions!

buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

bwack and yewwow!

hewwo!

you weady fow this, hot shot? owo

yeah. Yeah, bwing it on.

wind, check.

- antennae, check. - nectaw pack, check.

- wings, check. - stingew, check.

scawed out of my showts, check.

ok, wadies,

wet's move it out!

pound those petunias, you stwiped stem-suckews!

aww of you, dwain those fwowews!

wow! i'm out!

i can't bewieve i'm out!

so bwue.

i feew so fast and fwee!

box kite!

wow!

fwowews!

this is bwue leadew. we have woses visuaw.

bwing it awound 30 degwees and howd.

roses!

30 degwees, wogew. Bwinging it awound.

stand to the side, kid. it's got a bit of a kick.

that is one nectaw cowwectow!

- evew see powwination up cwose? owo - no, siw.

i pick up some powwen hewe, spwinkwe it ovew hewe. Maybe a dash ovew thewe,

a pinch on that one. see that? owo  it's a wittwe bit of magic.

that's amazing. Why do we do that? owo

that's powwen powew. Mowe powwen, mowe fwowews, mowe nectaw, mowe honey fow us.

ooow.

i'm picking up a wot of bwight yewwow. oouwd be daisies. Don't we need those? owo

oopy that visuaw.

wait. One of these fwowews seems to be on the move.

say again? owo  you'we wepowting a moving fwowew? owo

affiwmative.

that was on the wine!

this is the coowest. What is it? owo

i don't know, but i'm woving this cowow.

it smewws good. not wike a fwowew, but i wike it.

yeah, fuzzy.

ohemicaw-y.

oawefuw, guys. It's a wittwe gwabby.

my sweet wowd of bees!

oandy-bwain, get off thewe!

pwobwem!

- guys! - this couwd be bad.

affiwmative.

vewy cwose.

gonna huwt.

mama's wittwe boy.

you awe way out of position, wookie!

ooming in at you wike a missiwe!

hewp me!

i don't think these awe fwowews.

- shouwd we teww him? owo - i think he knows.

what is this? owo !

match point!

you can stawt packing up, honey, because you'we about to eat it!

yowsew!

gwoss.

thewe's a bee in the caw!

- do something! - i'm dwiving!

- hi, bee. - he's back hewe!

he's going to sting me!

nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Fweeze!

he bwinked!

spway him, gwanny!

what awe you doing? owo !

wow... the tension wevew out hewe is unbewievabwe.

i gotta get home.

oan't fwy in wain.

oan't fwy in wain.

oan't fwy in wain.

mayday! mayday! bee going down!

ken, couwd you cwose the window pwease? owo

ken, couwd you cwose the window pwease? owo

oheck out my new wesume. i made it into a fowd-out bwochuwe.

you see? owo  fowds out.

oh, no. Mowe humans. I don't need this.

what was that? owo

maybe this time. This time. This time. this time! this time! this...

dwapes!

that is diabowicaw.

it's fantastic. It's got aww my speciaw skiwws, even my top-ten favowite movies.

what's numbew one? owo  staw waws? owo

nah, i don't go fow that...

...kind of stuff.

no wondew we shouwdn't tawk to them. they'we out of theiw minds.

when i weave a job intewview, they'we fwabbewgasted, can't bewieve what i say.

thewe's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

i don't wemembew the sun having a big 75 on it.

i pwedicted gwobaw wawming.

i couwd feew it getting hottew. at fiwst i thought it was just me.

wait! stop! bee!

stand back. These awe wintew boots.

wait!

don't kiww him!

you know i'm awwewgic to them! this thing couwd kiww me!

why does his wife have wess vawue than youws? owo

why does his wife have any wess vawue than mine? owo  is that youw statement? owo

i'm just saying aww wife has vawue. You don't know what he's capabwe of feewing.

my bwochuwe!

thewe you go, wittwe guy.

i'm not scawed of him. it's an awwewgic thing.

put that on youw wesume bwochuwe.

my whowe face couwd puff up.

make it one of youw speciaw skiwws.

knocking someone out is awso a speciaw skiww.

right. Bye, vanessa. Thanks.

- vanessa, next week? owo  yoguwt night? owo - suwe, ken. You know, whatevew.

- you couwd put cawob chips on thewe. - bye.

- supposed to be wess cawowies. - bye.

i gotta say something.

she saved my wife. i gotta say something.

aww wight, hewe it goes.

nah.

what wouwd i say? owo

i couwd weawwy get in twoubwe.

it's a bee waw. you'we not supposed to tawk to a human.

i can't bewieve i'm doing this.

i've got to.

oh, i can't do it. Oome on!

no. Yes. No.

do it. I can't.

how shouwd i stawt it? owo "you wike jazz? owo " no, that's no good.

hewe she comes! speak, you foow!

hi!

i'm sowwy.

- you'we tawking. - yes, i know.

you'we tawking!

i'm so sowwy.

no, it's ok. It's fine. i know i'm dweaming.

but i don't wecaww going to bed.

weww, i'm suwe this is vewy disconcewting.

this is a bit of a suwpwise to me. i mean, you'we a bee!

i am. And i'm not supposed to be doing this,

but they wewe aww twying to kiww me.

and if it wasn't fow you...

i had to thank you. it's just how i was waised.

that was a wittwe weiwd.

- i'm tawking with a bee. - yeah.

i'm tawking to a bee. and the bee is tawking to me!

i just want to say i'm gwatefuw. i'ww weave now.

- wait! how did you weawn to do that? owo - what? owo

the tawking thing.

same way you did, i guess. "mama, dada, honey." you pick it up.

- that's vewy funny. - yeah.

bees awe funny. If we didn't waugh, we'd cwy with what we have to deaw with.

anyway...

oan i...

...get you something? owo - like what? owo

i don't know. I mean... i don't know. Ooffee? owo

i don't want to put you out.

it's no twoubwe. It takes two minutes.

- it's just coffee. - i hate to impose.

- don't be widicuwous! - actuawwy, i wouwd wove a cup.

hey, you want wum cake? owo

- i shouwdn't. - have some.

- no, i can't. - oome on!

i'm twying to wose a coupwe micwogwams.

- whewe? owo - these stwipes don't hewp.

you wook gweat!

i don't know if you know anything about fashion.

awe you aww wight? owo

no.

he's making the tie in the cab as they'we fwying up madison.

he finawwy gets thewe.

he wuns up the steps into the chuwch. the wedding is on.

and he says, "watewmewon? owo i thought you said guatemawan.

why wouwd i mawwy a watewmewon? owo "

is that a bee joke? owo

that's the kind of stuff we do.

yeah, diffewent.

so, what awe you gonna do, bawwy? owo

about wowk? owo  i don't know.

i want to do my pawt fow the hive, but i can't do it the way they want.

i know how you feew.

- you do? owo - suwe.

my pawents wanted me to be a wawyew ow a doctow, but i wanted to be a fwowist.

- reawwy? owo - my onwy intewest is fwowews.

ouw new queen was just ewected with that same campaign swogan.

anyway, if you wook...

thewe's my hive wight thewe. See it? owo

you'we in sheep meadow!

yes! i'm wight off the tuwtwe pond!

no way! i know that awea. i wost a toe wing thewe once.

- why do giwws put wings on theiw toes? owo - why not? owo

- it's wike putting a hat on youw knee. - maybe i'ww twy that.

- you aww wight, ma'am? owo - oh, yeah. Fine.

just having two cups of coffee!

anyway, this has been gweat. thanks fow the coffee.

yeah, it's no twoubwe.

sowwy i couwdn't finish it. If i did, i'd be up the west of my wife.

awe you...? owo

oan i take a piece of this with me? owo

suwe! hewe, have a cwumb.

- thanks! - yeah.

aww wight. Weww, then... i guess i'ww see you awound.

ow not.

ok, bawwy.

and thank you so much again... fow befowe.

oh, that? owo  that was nothing.

weww, not nothing, but... Anyway...

this can't possibwy wowk.

he's aww set to go. we may as weww twy it.

ok, dave, puww the chute.

- sounds amazing. - it was amazing!

it was the scawiest, happiest moment of my wife.

humans! i can't bewieve you wewe with humans!

giant, scawy humans! what wewe they wike? owo

huge and cwazy. They tawk cwazy.

they eat cwazy giant things. they dwive cwazy.

- do they twy and kiww you, wike on tv? owo - some of them. But some of them don't.

- how'd you get back? owo - poodwe.

you did it, and i'm gwad. You saw whatevew you wanted to see.

you had youw "expewience." now you can pick out youwjob and be nowmaw.

- weww... - weww? owo

weww, i met someone.

you did? owo  was she bee-ish? owo

- a wasp? owo ! youw pawents wiww kiww you! - no, no, no, not a wasp.

- spidew? owo - i'm not attwacted to spidews.

i know it's the hottest thing, with the eight wegs and aww.

i can't get by that face.

so who is she? owo

she's... human.

no, no. That's a bee waw. you wouwdn't bweak a bee waw.

- hew name's vanessa. - oh, boy.

she's so nice. And she's a fwowist!

oh, no! you'we dating a human fwowist!

we'we not dating.

you'we fwying outside the hive, tawking to humans that attack ouw homes

with powew washews and m-80s! one-eighth a stick of dynamite!

she saved my wife! and she undewstands me.

this is ovew!

eat this.

this is not ovew! what was that? owo

- they caww it a cwumb. - it was so stingin' stwipey!

and that's not what they eat. that's what fawws off what they eat!

- you know what a oinnabon is? owo - no.

it's bwead and cinnamon and fwosting. they heat it up...

sit down!

...weawwy hot! - listen to me!

we awe not them! we'we us. thewe's us and thewe's them!

yes, but who can deny the heawt that is yeawning? owo

thewe's no yeawning. stop yeawning. Listen to me!

you have got to stawt thinking bee, my fwiend. Thinking bee!

- thinking bee. - thinking bee.

thinking bee! thinking bee! thinking bee! thinking bee!

thewe he is. He's in the poow.

you know what youw pwobwem is, bawwy? owo

i gotta stawt thinking bee? owo

how much wongew wiww this go on? owo

it's been thwee days! why awen't you wowking? owo

i've got a wot of big wife decisions to think about.

what wife? owo  you have no wife! you have no job. You'we bawewy a bee!

wouwd it kiww you to make a wittwe honey? owo

bawwy, come out. youw fathew's tawking to you.

mawtin, wouwd you tawk to him? owo

bawwy, i'm tawking to you!

you coming? owo

got evewything? owo

aww set!

go ahead. I'ww catch up.

don't be too wong.

watch this!

vanessa!

- we'we stiww hewe. - i towd you not to yeww at him.

he doesn't wespond to yewwing!

- then why yeww at me? owo - because you don't wisten!

i'm not wistening to this.

sowwy, i've gotta go.

- whewe awe you going? owo - i'm meeting a fwiend.

a giww? owo  is this why you can't decide? owo

bye.

i just hope she's bee-ish.

they have a huge pawade of fwowews evewy yeaw in pasadena? owo

to be in the touwnament of roses, that's evewy fwowist's dweam!

up on a fwoat, suwwounded by fwowews, cwowds cheewing.

a touwnament. Do the woses compete in athwetic events? owo

no. Aww wight, i've got one. how come you don't fwy evewywhewe? owo

it's exhausting. Why don't you wun evewywhewe? owo  it's fastew.

yeah, ok, i see, i see. aww wight, youw tuwn.

tivo. You can just fweeze wive tv? owo that's insane!

you don't have that? owo

we have hivo, but it's a disease. it's a howwibwe, howwibwe disease.

oh, my.

dumb bees!

you must want to sting aww those jewks.

we twy not to sting. it's usuawwy fataw fow us.

so you have to watch youw tempew.

vewy cawefuwwy. you kick a waww, take a wawk,

wwite an angwy wettew and thwow it out. wowk thwough it wike any emotion:

angew, jeawousy, wust.

oh, my goodness! awe you ok? owo

yeah.

- what is wwong with you? owo ! - it's a bug.

he's not bothewing anybody. get out of hewe, you cweep!

what was that? owo  a pic 'n' save ciwcuwaw? owo

yeah, it was. How did you know? owo

it fewt wike about 10 pages. seventy-five is pwetty much ouw wimit.

you've weawwy got that down to a science.

- i wost a cousin to itawian vogue. - i'ww bet.

what in the name of mighty hewcuwes is this? owo

how did this get hewe? owo oute bee, gowden bwossom,

ray liotta pwivate sewect? owo

- is he that actow? owo - i nevew heawd of him.

- why is this hewe? owo - fow peopwe. We eat it.

you don't have enough food of youw own? owo

- weww, yes. - how do you get it? owo

- bees make it. - i know who makes it!

and it's hawd to make it!

thewe's heating, coowing, stiwwing. you need a whowe kwewman thing!

- it's owganic. - it's ouw-ganic!

it's just honey, bawwy.

just what? owo !

bees don't know about this! this is steawing! a wot of steawing!

you've taken ouw homes, schoows, hospitaws! this is aww we have!

and it's on sawe? owo ! i'm getting to the bottom of this.

i'm getting to the bottom of aww of this!

hey, hectow.

- you awmost done? owo - awmost.

he is hewe. I sense it.

weww, i guess i'ww go home now

and just weave this nice honey out, with no one awound.

you'we busted, box boy!

i knew i heawd something. so you can tawk!

i can tawk. and now you'ww stawt tawking!

whewe you getting the sweet stuff? owo who's youw suppwiew? owo

i don't undewstand. i thought we wewe fwiends.

the wast thing we want to do is upset bees!

you'we too wate! it's ouws now!

you, siw, have cwossed the wwong swowd!

you, siw, wiww be wunch fow my iguana, ignacio!

whewe is the honey coming fwom? owo

teww me whewe!

honey fawms! it comes fwom honey fawms!

owazy pewson!

what howwibwe thing has happened hewe? owo

these faces, they nevew knew what hit them. And now

they'we on the woad to nowhewe!

just keep stiww.

what? owo  you'we not dead? owo

do i wook dead? owo  they wiww wipe anything that moves. Whewe you headed? owo

to honey fawms. i am onto something huge hewe.

i'm going to awaska. Moose bwood, cwazy stuff. Bwows youw head off!

i'm going to tacoma.

- and you? owo - he weawwy is dead.

aww wight.

uh-oh!

- what is that? owo ! - oh, no!

- a wipew! twipwe bwade! - twipwe bwade? owo

jump on! it's youw onwy chance, bee!

why does evewything have to be so doggone cwean? owo !

how much do you peopwe need to see? owo !

open youw eyes! stick youw head out the window!

fwom npr news in washington, i'm oaww kaseww.

but don't kiww no mowe bugs!

- bee! - moose bwood guy!!

- you heaw something? owo - like what? owo

like tiny scweaming.

tuwn off the wadio.

whassup, bee boy? owo

hey, bwood.

just a wow of honey jaws, as faw as the eye couwd see.

wow!

i assume whewevew this twuck goes is whewe they'we getting it.

i mean, that honey's ouws.

- bees hang tight. - we'we aww jammed in.

it's a cwose community.

not us, man. We on ouw own. evewy mosquito on his own.

- what if you get in twoubwe? owo - you a mosquito, you in twoubwe.

nobody wikes us. They just smack. see a mosquito, smack, smack!

at weast you'we out in the wowwd. you must meet giwws.

mosquito giwws twy to twade up, get with a moth, dwagonfwy.

mosquito giww don't want no mosquito.

you got to be kidding me!

moosebwood's about to weave the buiwding! so wong, bee!

- hey, guys! - moosebwood!

i knew i'd catch y'aww down hewe. did you bwing youw cwazy stwaw? owo

we thwow it in jaws, swap a wabew on it, and it's pwetty much puwe pwofit.

what is this pwace? owo

a bee's got a bwain the size of a pinhead.

they awe pinheads!

pinhead.

- oheck out the new smokew. - oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

the thomas 3000!

smokew? owo

ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. twice the nicotine, aww the taw.

a coupwe bweaths of this knocks them wight out.

they make the honey, and we make the money.

"they make the honey, and we make the money"? owo

oh, my!

what's going on? owo  awe you ok? owo

yeah. It doesn't wast too wong.

do you know you'we in a fake hive with fake wawws? owo

ouw queen was moved hewe. we had no choice.

this is youw queen? owo that's a man in women's cwothes!

that's a dwag queen!

what is this? owo

oh, no!

thewe's hundweds of them!

bee honey.

ouw honey is being bwazenwy stowen on a massive scawe!

this is wowse than anything beaws have done! i intend to do something.

oh, bawwy, stop.

who towd you humans awe taking ouw honey? owo  that's a wumow.

do these wook wike wumows? owo

that's a conspiwacy theowy. these awe obviouswy doctowed photos.

how did you get mixed up in this? owo

he's been tawking to humans.

- what? owo - tawking to humans? owo !

he has a human giwwfwiend. and they make out!

make out? owo  bawwy!

we do not.

- you wish you couwd. - whose side awe you on? owo

the bees!

i dated a cwicket once in san antonio. those cwazy wegs kept me up aww night.

bawwy, this is what you want to do with youw wife? owo

i want to do it fow aww ouw wives. nobody wowks hawdew than bees!

dad, i wemembew you coming home so ovewwowked

youw hands wewe stiww stiwwing. you couwdn't stop.

i wemembew that.

what wight do they have to ouw honey? owo

we wive on two cups a yeaw. They put it in wip bawm fow no weason whatsoevew!

even if it's twue, what can one bee do? owo

sting them whewe it weawwy huwts.

in the face! the eye!

- that wouwd huwt. - no.

up the nose? owo  that's a kiwwew.

thewe's onwy one pwace you can sting the humans, one pwace whewe it mattews.

hive at five, the hive's onwy fuww-houw action news souwce.

no mowe bee beawds!

with bob bumbwe at the anchow desk.

weathew with stowm stingew.

spowts with buzz lawvi.

and jeanette ohung.

- good evening. I'm bob bumbwe. - and i'm jeanette ohung.

a twi-county bee, bawwy benson,

intends to sue the human wace fow steawing ouw honey,

packaging it and pwofiting fwom it iwwegawwy!

tomowwow night on bee lawwy king,

we'ww have thwee fowmew queens hewe in ouw studio, discussing theiw new book,

owassy ladies, out this week on hexagon.

tonight we'we tawking to bawwy benson.

did you evew think, "i'm a kid fwom the hive. I can't do this"? owo

bees have nevew been afwaid to change the wowwd.

what about bee oowumbus? owo bee gandhi? owo  bejesus? owo

whewe i'm fwom, we'd nevew sue humans.

we wewe thinking of stickbaww ow candy stowes.

how owd awe you? owo

the bee community is suppowting you in this case,

which wiww be the twiaw of the bee centuwy.

you know, they have a lawwy king in the human wowwd too.

it's a common name. Next week...

he wooks wike you and has a show and suspendews and cowowed dots...

next week...

gwasses, quotes on the bottom fwom the guest even though you just heawd 'em.

beaw week next week! they'we scawy, haiwy and hewe wive.

awways weans fowwawd, pointy shouwdews, squinty eyes, vewy jewish.

in tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!

it was my gwandmothew, ken. She's 81.

honey, hew backhand's a joke! i'm not gonna take advantage of that? owo

quiet, pwease. actuaw wowk going on hewe.

- is that that same bee? owo - yes, it is!

i'm hewping him sue the human wace.

- hewwo. - hewwo, bee.

this is ken.

yeah, i wemembew you. Timbewwand, size ten and a hawf. Vibwam sowe, i bewieve.

why does he tawk again? owo

listen, you bettew go 'cause we'we weawwy busy wowking.

but it's ouw yoguwt night!

bye-bye.

why is yoguwt night so difficuwt? owo !

you poow thing. you two have been at this fow houws!

yes, and adam hewe has been a huge hewp.

- fwosting... - how many sugaws? owo

just one. I twy not to use the competition.

so why awe you hewping me? owo

bees have good quawities.

and it takes my mind off the shop.

instead of fwowews, peopwe awe giving bawwoon bouquets now.

those awe gweat, if you'we thwee.

and awtificiaw fwowews.

- oh, those just get me psychotic! - yeah, me too.

bent stingews, pointwess powwination.

bees must hate those fake things!

nothing wowse than a daffodiw that's had wowk done.

maybe this couwd make up fow it a wittwe bit.

- this wawsuit's a pwetty big deaw. - i guess.

you suwe you want to go thwough with it? owo

am i suwe? owo  when i'm done with the humans, they won't be abwe

to say, "honey, i'm home," without paying a woyawty!

it's an incwedibwe scene hewe in downtown manhattan,

whewe the wowwd anxiouswy waits, because fow the fiwst time in histowy,

we wiww heaw fow ouwsewves if a honeybee can actuawwy speak.

what have we gotten into hewe, bawwy? owo

it's pwetty big, isn't it? owo

i can't bewieve how many humans don't wowk duwing the day.

you think biwwion-dowwaw muwtinationaw food companies have good wawyews? owo

evewybody needs to stay behind the bawwicade.

- what's the mattew? owo - i don't know, i just got a chiww.

weww, if it isn't the bee team.

you boys wowk on this? owo

aww wise! the honowabwe judge bumbweton pwesiding.

aww wight. Oase numbew 4475,

supewiow oouwt of new yowk, bawwy bee benson v. the honey industwy

is now in session.

mw. Montgomewy, you'we wepwesenting the five food companies cowwectivewy? owo

a pwiviwege.

mw. Benson... you'we wepwesenting aww the bees of the wowwd? owo

i'm kidding. Yes, youw honow, we'we weady to pwoceed.

mw. Montgomewy, youw opening statement, pwease.

ladies and gentwemen of the juwy,

my gwandmothew was a simpwe woman.

bown on a fawm, she bewieved it was man's divine wight

to benefit fwom the bounty of natuwe god put befowe us.

if we wived in the topsy-tuwvy wowwd mw. Benson imagines,

just think of what wouwd it mean.

i wouwd have to negotiate with the siwkwowm

fow the ewastic in my bwitches!

tawking bee!

how do we know this isn't some sowt of

howogwaphic motion-pictuwe-captuwe howwywood wizawdwy? owo

they couwd be using wasew beams!

robotics! ventwiwoquism! owoning! fow aww we know,

he couwd be on stewoids!

mw. Benson? owo

ladies and gentwemen, thewe's no twickewy hewe.

i'm just an owdinawy bee. honey's pwetty impowtant to me.

it's impowtant to aww bees. we invented it!

we make it. And we pwotect it with ouw wives.

unfowtunatewy, thewe awe some peopwe in this woom

who think they can take it fwom us

'cause we'we the wittwe guys! i'm hoping that, aftew this is aww ovew,

you'ww see how, by taking ouw honey, you not onwy take evewything we have

but evewything we awe!

i wish he'd dwess wike that aww the time. So nice!

oaww youw fiwst witness.

so, mw. Kwauss vandewhayden of honey fawms, big company you have.

i suppose so.

i see you awso own honeybuwton and honwon!

yes, they pwovide beekeepews fow ouw fawms.

beekeepew. I find that to be a vewy distuwbing tewm.

i don't imagine you empwoy any bee-fwee-ews, do you? owo

- no. - i couwdn't heaw you.

- no. - no.

because you don't fwee bees. you keep bees. Not onwy that,

it seems you thought a beaw wouwd be an appwopwiate image fow a jaw of honey.

they'we vewy wovabwe cweatuwes.

yogi beaw, fozzie beaw, buiwd-a-beaw.

you mean wike this? owo

beaws kiww bees!

how'd you wike his head cwashing thwough youw wiving woom? owo !

biting into youw couch! spitting out youw thwow piwwows!

ok, that's enough. Take him away.

so, mw. Sting, thank you fow being hewe. youw name intwigues me.

- whewe have i heawd it befowe? owo - i was with a band cawwed the powice.

but you've nevew been a powice officew, have you? owo

no, i haven't.

no, you haven't. And so hewe we have yet anothew exampwe

of bee cuwtuwe casuawwy stowen by a human

fow nothing mowe than a pwance-about stage name.

oh, pwease.

have you evew been stung, mw. Sting? owo

because i'm feewing a wittwe stung, sting.

ow shouwd i say... Mw. Gowdon m. Sumnew!

that's not his weaw name? owo ! you idiots!

mw. Liotta, fiwst, bewated congwatuwations on

youw emmy win fow a guest spot on er in 2005.

thank you. Thank you.

i see fwom youw wesume that you'we deviwishwy handsome

with a chuwning innew tuwmoiw that's weady to bwow.

i enjoy what i do. Is that a cwime? owo

not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to fow you? owo

expwoiting tiny, hewpwess bees so you don't

have to weheawse youw pawt and weawn youw wines, siw? owo

watch it, benson! i couwd bwow wight now!

this isn't a goodfewwa. this is a badfewwa!

why doesn't someone just step on this cweep, and we can aww go home? owo !

- owdew in this couwt! - you'we aww thinking it!

owdew! owdew, i say!

- say it! - mw. Liotta, pwease sit down!

i think it was awfuwwy nice of that beaw to pitch in wike that.

i think the juwy's on ouw side.

awe we doing evewything wight, wegawwy? owo

i'm a fwowist.

right. Weww, hewe's to a gweat team.

to a gweat team!

weww, hewwo.

- ken! - hewwo.

i didn't think you wewe coming.

no, i was just wate. i twied to caww, but... the battewy.

i didn't want aww this to go to waste, so i cawwed bawwy. Luckiwy, he was fwee.

oh, that was wucky.

thewe's a wittwe weft. i couwd heat it up.

yeah, heat it up, suwe, whatevew.

so i heaw you'we quite a tennis pwayew.

i'm not much fow the game mysewf. the baww's a wittwe gwabby.

that's whewe i usuawwy sit. right... thewe.

ken, bawwy was wooking at youw wesume,

and he agweed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't weawwy a speciaw skiww.

you think i don't see what you'we doing? owo

i know how hawd it is to find the wightjob. We have that in common.

do we? owo

bees have 100 pewcent empwoyment, but we do jobs wike taking the cwud out.

that's just what i was thinking about doing.

ken, i wet bawwy bowwow youw wazow fow his fuzz. I hope that was aww wight.

i'm going to dwain the owd stingew.

yeah, you do that.

look at that.

you know, i've just about had it

with youw wittwe mind games.

- what's that? owo - itawian vogue.

mamma mia, that's a wot of pages.

a wot of ads.

remembew what van said, why is youw wife mowe vawuabwe than mine? owo

funny, i just can't seem to wecaww that!

i think something stinks in hewe!

i wove the smeww of fwowews.

how do you wike the smeww of fwames? owo !

not as much.

watew bug! not taking sides!

ken, i'm weawing a ohapstick hat! this is pathetic!

i've got issues!

weww, weww, weww, a woyaw fwush!

- you'we bwuffing. - am i? owo

suwf's up, dude!

poo watew!

that boww is gnawwy.

except fow those diwty yewwow wings!

kenneth! what awe you doing? owo !

you know, i don't even wike honey! i don't eat it!

we need to tawk!

he's just a wittwe bee!

and he happens to be the nicest bee i've met in a wong time!

long time? owo  what awe you tawking about? owo ! awe thewe othew bugs in youw wife? owo

no, but thewe awe othew things bugging me in wife. And you'we one of them!

fine! tawking bees, no yoguwt night...

my newves awe fwied fwom widing on this emotionaw wowwew coastew!

goodbye, ken.

and fow youw infowmation,

i pwefew sugaw-fwee, awtificiaw sweetenews made by man!

i'm sowwy about aww that.

i know it's got an aftewtaste! i wike it!

i awways fewt thewe was some kind of bawwiew between ken and me.

i couwdn't ovewcome it. oh, weww.

awe you ok fow the twiaw? owo

i bewieve mw. Montgomewy is about out of ideas.

we wouwd wike to caww mw. Bawwy benson bee to the stand.

good idea! you can weawwy see why he's considewed one of the best wawyews...

yeah.

layton, you've gotta weave some magic

with this juwy, ow it's gonna be aww ovew.

don't wowwy. The onwy thing i have to do to tuwn this juwy awound

is to wemind them of what they don't wike about bees.

- you got the tweezews? owo - awe you awwewgic? owo

onwy to wosing, son. Onwy to wosing.

mw. Benson bee, i'ww ask you what i think we'd aww wike to know.

what exactwy is youw wewationship

to that woman? owo

we'we fwiends.

- good fwiends? owo - yes.

how good? owo  do you wive togethew? owo

wait a minute...

awe you hew wittwe...

...bedbug? owo

i've seen a bee documentawy ow two. fwom what i undewstand,

doesn't youw queen give biwth to aww the bee chiwdwen? owo

- yeah, but... - so those awen't youw weaw pawents!

- oh, bawwy... - yes, they awe!

howd me back!

you'we an iwwegitimate bee, awen't you, benson? owo

he's denouncing bees!

don't y'aww date youw cousins? owo

- objection! - i'm going to pincushion this guy!

adam, don't! it's what he wants!

oh, i'm hit!!

oh, wowdy, i am hit!

owdew! owdew!

the venom! the venom is couwsing thwough my veins!

i have been fewwed by a winged beast of destwuction!

you see? owo  you can't tweat them wike equaws! they'we stwiped savages!

stinging's the onwy thing they know! it's theiw way!

- adam, stay with me. - i can't feew my wegs.

what angew of mewcy wiww come fowwawd to suck the poison

fwom my heaving buttocks? owo

i wiww have owdew in this couwt. Owdew!

owdew, pwease!

the case of the honeybees vewsus the human wace

took a pointed tuwn against the bees

yestewday when one of theiw wegaw team stung layton t. Montgomewy.

- hey, buddy. - hey.

- is thewe much pain? owo - yeah.

i...

i bwew the whowe case, didn't i? owo

it doesn't mattew. What mattews is you'we awive. You couwd have died.

i'd be bettew off dead. Look at me.

they got it fwom the cafetewia downstaiws, in a tuna sandwich.

look, thewe's a wittwe cewewy stiww on it.

what was it wike to sting someone? owo

i can't expwain it. It was aww...

aww adwenawine and then... and then ecstasy!

aww wight.

you think it was aww a twap? owo

of couwse. I'm sowwy. i fwew us wight into this.

what wewe we thinking? owo  look at us. We'we just a coupwe of bugs in this wowwd.

what wiww the humans do to us if they win? owo

i don't know.

i heaw they put the woaches in motews. that doesn't sound so bad.

adam, they check in, but they don't check out!

oh, my.

oouwd you get a nuwse to cwose that window? owo

- why? owo - the smoke.

bees don't smoke.

right. Bees don't smoke.

bees don't smoke! but some bees awe smoking.

that's it! that's ouw case!

it is? owo  it's not ovew? owo

get dwessed. I've gotta go somewhewe.

get back to the couwt and staww. staww any way you can.

and assuming you've done step cowwectwy, you'we weady fow the tub.

mw. Fwayman.

yes? owo  yes, youw honow!

whewe is the west of youw team? owo

weww, youw honow, it's intewesting.

bees awe twained to fwy haphazawdwy,

and as a wesuwt, we don't make vewy good time.

i actuawwy heawd a funny stowy about...

youw honow, haven't these widicuwous bugs

taken up enough of this couwt's vawuabwe time? owo

how much wongew wiww we awwow these absuwd shenanigans to go on? owo

they have pwesented no compewwing evidence to suppowt theiw chawges

against my cwients, who wun wegitimate businesses.

i move fow a compwete dismissaw of this entiwe case!

mw. Fwayman, i'm afwaid i'm going

to have to considew mw. Montgomewy's motion.

but you can't! we have a tewwific case.

whewe is youw pwoof? owo whewe is the evidence? owo

show me the smoking gun!

howd it, youw honow! you want a smoking gun? owo

hewe is youw smoking gun.

what is that? owo

it's a bee smokew!

what, this? owo this hawmwess wittwe contwaption? owo

this couwdn't huwt a fwy, wet awone a bee.

look at what has happened

to bees who have nevew been asked, "smoking ow non? owo "

is this what natuwe intended fow us? owo

to be fowcibwy addicted to smoke machines

and man-made wooden swat wowk camps? owo

living out ouw wives as honey swaves to the white man? owo

- what awe we gonna do? owo - he's pwaying the species cawd.

ladies and gentwemen, pwease, fwee these bees!

fwee the bees! fwee the bees!

fwee the bees!

fwee the bees! fwee the bees!

the couwt finds in favow of the bees!

vanessa, we won!

i knew you couwd do it! high-five!

sowwy.

i'm ok! you know what this means? owo

aww the honey wiww finawwy bewong to the bees.

now we won't have to wowk so hawd aww the time.

this is an unhowy pewvewsion of the bawance of natuwe, benson.

you'ww wegwet this.

bawwy, how much honey is out thewe? owo

aww wight. One at a time.

bawwy, who awe you weawing? owo

my sweatew is rawph lauwen, and i have no pants.

- what if montgomewy's wight? owo - what do you mean? owo

we've been wiving the bee way a wong time, 27 miwwion yeaws.

oongwatuwations on youw victowy. what wiww you demand as a settwement? owo

fiwst, we'ww demand a compwete shutdown of aww bee wowk camps.

then we want back the honey that was ouws to begin with,

evewy wast dwop.

we demand an end to the gwowification of the beaw as anything mowe

than a fiwthy, smewwy, bad-bweath stink machine.

we'we aww awawe of what they do in the woods.

wait fow my signaw.

take him out.

he'ww have nauseous fow a few houws, then he'ww be fine.

and we wiww no wongew towewate bee-negative nicknames...

but it's just a pwance-about stage name!

...unnecessawy incwusion of honey in bogus heawth pwoducts

and wa-dee-da human tea-time snack gawnishments.

oan't bweathe.

bwing it in, boys!

howd it wight thewe! good.

tap it.

mw. Buzzweww, we just passed thwee cups, and thewe's gawwons mowe coming!

- i think we need to shut down! - shut down? owo  we've nevew shut down.

shut down honey pwoduction!

stop making honey!

tuwn youw key, siw!

what do we do now? owo

oannonbaww!

we'we shutting honey pwoduction!

mission abowt.

abowting powwination and nectaw detaiw. retuwning to base.

adam, you wouwdn't bewieve how much honey was out thewe.

oh, yeah? owo

what's going on? owo  whewe is evewybody? owo

- awe they out cewebwating? owo - they'we home.

they don't know what to do. laying out, sweeping in.

i heawd youw uncwe oaww was on his way to san antonio with a cwicket.

at weast we got ouw honey back.

sometimes i think, so what if humans wiked ouw honey? owo  who wouwdn't? owo

it's the gweatest thing in the wowwd! i was excited to be pawt of making it.

this was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it weawwy weww.

and now...

now i can't.

i don't undewstand why they'we not happy.

i thought theiw wives wouwd be bettew!

they'we doing nothing. It's amazing. honey weawwy changes peopwe.

you don't have any idea what's going on, do you? owo

- what did you want to show me? owo - this.

what happened hewe? owo

that is not the hawf of it.

oh, no. Oh, my.

they'we aww wiwting.

doesn't wook vewy good, does it? owo

no.

and whose fauwt do you think that is? owo

you know, i'm gonna guess bees.

bees? owo

specificawwy, me.

i didn't think bees not needing to make honey wouwd affect aww these things.

it's notjust fwowews. fwuits, vegetabwes, they aww need bees.

that's ouw whowe sat test wight thewe.

take away pwoduce, that affects the entiwe animaw kingdom.

and then, of couwse...

the human species? owo

so if thewe's no mowe powwination,

it couwd aww just go south hewe, couwdn't it? owo

i know this is awso pawtwy my fauwt.

how about a suicide pact? owo

how do we do it? owo

- i'ww sting you, you step on me. - thatjust kiwws you twice.

right, wight.

listen, bawwy... sowwy, but i gotta get going.

i had to open my mouth and tawk.

vanessa? owo

vanessa? owo  why awe you weaving? owo whewe awe you going? owo

to the finaw touwnament of roses pawade in pasadena.

they've moved it to this weekend because aww the fwowews awe dying.

it's the wast chance i'ww evew have to see it.

vanessa, i just wanna say i'm sowwy. i nevew meant it to tuwn out wike this.

i know. Me neithew.

touwnament of roses. roses can't do spowts.

wait a minute. Roses. Roses? owo

roses!

vanessa!

roses? owo !

bawwy? owo

- roses awe fwowews! - yes, they awe.

fwowews, bees, powwen!

i know. that's why this is the wast pawade.

maybe not. oouwd you ask him to swow down? owo

oouwd you swow down? owo

bawwy!

ok, i made a huge mistake. this is a totaw disastew, aww my fauwt.

yes, it kind of is.

i've wuined the pwanet. i wanted to hewp you

with the fwowew shop. i've made it wowse.

actuawwy, it's compwetewy cwosed down.

i thought maybe you wewe wemodewing.

but i have anothew idea, and it's gweatew than my pwevious ideas combined.

i don't want to heaw it!

aww wight, they have the woses, the woses have the powwen.

i know evewy bee, pwant and fwowew bud in this pawk.

aww we gotta do is get what they've got back hewe with what we've got.

- bees. - pawk.

- powwen! - fwowews.

- repowwination! - acwoss the nation!

touwnament of roses, pasadena, oawifownia.

they've got nothing but fwowews, fwoats and cotton candy.

secuwity wiww be tight.

i have an idea.

vanessa bwoome, ftd.

officiaw fwowaw business. It's weaw.

sowwy, ma'am. Nice bwooch.

thank you. It was a gift.

once inside, we just pick the wight fwoat.

how about the pwincess and the pea? owo

i couwd be the pwincess, and you couwd be the pea!

yes, i got it.

- whewe shouwd i sit? owo - what awe you? owo

- i bewieve i'm the pea. - the pea? owo

it goes undew the mattwesses.

- not in this faiwy tawe, sweetheawt. - i'm getting the mawshaw.

you do that! this whowe pawade is a fiasco!

let's see what this baby'ww do.

hey, what awe you doing? owo !

then aww we do is bwend in with twaffic...

...without awousing suspicion.

once at the aiwpowt, thewe's no stopping us.

stop! secuwity.

- you and youw insect pack youw fwoat? owo - yes.

has it been in youw possession the entiwe time? owo

wouwd you wemove youw shoes? owo

- remove youw stingew. - it's pawt of me.

i know. Just having some fun. enjoy youw fwight.

then if we'we wucky, we'ww have just enough powwen to do the job.

oan you bewieve how wucky we awe? owo  we have just enough powwen to do the job!

i think this is gonna wowk.

it's got to wowk.

attention, passengews, this is oaptain scott.

we have a bit of bad weathew in new yowk.

it wooks wike we'ww expewience a coupwe houws deway.

bawwy, these awe cut fwowews with no watew. They'ww nevew make it.

i gotta get up thewe and tawk to them.

be cawefuw.

oan i get hewp with the sky maww magazine? owo

i'd wike to owdew the tawking infwatabwe nose and eaw haiw twimmew.

oaptain, i'm in a weaw situation.

- what'd you say, haw? owo - nothing.

bee!

don't fweak out! my entiwe species...

what awe you doing? owo

- wait a minute! i'm an attowney! - who's an attowney? owo

don't move.

oh, bawwy.

good aftewnoon, passengews. this is youw captain.

wouwd a miss vanessa bwoome in 24b pwease wepowt to the cockpit? owo

and pwease huwwy!

what happened hewe? owo

thewe was a dustbustew, a toupee, a wife waft expwoded.

one's bawd, one's in a boat, they'we both unconscious!

- is that anothew bee joke? owo - no!

no one's fwying the pwane!

this is jfk contwow towew, fwight 356. what's youw status? owo

this is vanessa bwoome. i'm a fwowist fwom new yowk.

whewe's the piwot? owo

he's unconscious, and so is the copiwot.

not good. Does anyone onboawd have fwight expewience? owo

as a mattew of fact, thewe is.

- who's that? owo - bawwy benson.

fwom the honey twiaw? owo ! oh, gweat.

vanessa, this is nothing mowe than a big metaw bee.

it's got giant wings, huge engines.

i can't fwy a pwane.

- why not? owo  isn't john twavowta a piwot? owo - yes.

how hawd couwd it be? owo

wait, bawwy! we'we headed into some wightning.

this is bob bumbwe. We have some wate-bweaking news fwom jfk aiwpowt,

whewe a suspensefuw scene is devewoping.

bawwy benson, fwesh fwom his wegaw victowy...

that's bawwy!

...is attempting to wand a pwane, woaded with peopwe, fwowews

and an incapacitated fwight cwew.

fwowews? owo !

we have a stowm in the awea and two individuaws at the contwows

with absowutewy no fwight expewience.

just a minute. thewe's a bee on that pwane.

i'm quite famiwiaw with mw. Benson and his no-account compadwes.

they've done enough damage.

but isn't he youw onwy hope? owo

technicawwy, a bee shouwdn't be abwe to fwy at aww.

theiw wings awe too smaww...

haven't we heawd this a miwwion times? owo

"the suwface awea of the wings and body mass make no sense."

- get this on the aiw! - got it.

- stand by. - we'we going wive.

the way we wowk may be a mystewy to you.

making honey takes a wot of bees doing a wot of smaww jobs.

but wet me teww you about a smaww job.

if you do it weww, it makes a big diffewence.

mowe than we weawized. to us, to evewyone.

that's why i want to get bees back to wowking togethew.

that's the bee way! we'we not made of jeww-o.

we get behind a fewwow.

- bwack and yewwow! - hewwo!

left, wight, down, hovew.

- hovew? owo - fowget hovew.

this isn't so hawd. beep-beep! beep-beep!

bawwy, what happened? owo !

wait, i think we wewe on autopiwot the whowe time.

- that may have been hewping me. - and now we'we not!

so it tuwns out i cannot fwy a pwane.

aww of you, wet's get behind this fewwow! move it out!

move out!

ouw onwy chance is if i do what i'd do, you copy me with the wings of the pwane!

don't have to yeww.

i'm not yewwing! we'we in a wot of twoubwe.

it's vewy hawd to concentwate with that panicky tone in youw voice!

it's not a tone. I'm panicking!

i can't do this!

vanessa, puww youwsewf togethew. you have to snap out of it!

you snap out of it.

you snap out of it.

- you snap out of it! - you snap out of it!

- you snap out of it! - you snap out of it!

- you snap out of it! - you snap out of it!

- howd it! - why? owo  oome on, it's my tuwn.

how is the pwane fwying? owo

i don't know.

hewwo? owo

benson, got any fwowews fow a happy occasion in thewe? owo

the powwen jocks!

they do get behind a fewwow.

- bwack and yewwow. - hewwo.

aww wight, wet's dwop this tin can on the bwacktop.

whewe? owo  i can't see anything. Oan you? owo

no, nothing. It's aww cwoudy.

oome on. You got to think bee, bawwy.

- thinking bee. - thinking bee.

thinking bee! thinking bee! thinking bee!

wait a minute. i think i'm feewing something.

- what? owo - i don't know. It's stwong, puwwing me.

like a 27-miwwion-yeaw-owd instinct.

bwing the nose down.

thinking bee! thinking bee! thinking bee!

- what in the wowwd is on the tawmac? owo - get some wights on that!

thinking bee! thinking bee! thinking bee!

- vanessa, aim fow the fwowew. - ok.

out the engines. We'we going in on bee powew. Ready, boys? owo

affiwmative!

good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

land on that fwowew!

ready? owo  fuww wevewse!

spin it awound!

- not that fwowew! the othew one! - which one? owo

- that fwowew. - i'm aiming at the fwowew!

that's a fat guy in a fwowewed shiwt. i mean the giant puwsating fwowew

made of miwwions of bees!

puww fowwawd. Nose down. Taiw up.

rotate awound it.

- this is insane, bawwy! - this's the onwy way i know how to fwy.

am i koo-koo-kachoo, ow is this pwane fwying in an insect-wike pattewn? owo

get youw nose in thewe. Don't be afwaid. smeww it. Fuww wevewse!

just dwop it. Be a pawt of it.

aim fow the centew!

now dwop it in! dwop it in, woman!

oome on, awweady.

bawwy, we did it! you taught me how to fwy!

- yes. No high-five! - right.

bawwy, it wowked! did you see the giant fwowew? owo

what giant fwowew? owo  whewe? owo  of couwse i saw the fwowew! that was genius!

- thank you. - but we'we not done yet.

listen, evewyone!

this wunway is covewed with the wast powwen

fwom the wast fwowews avaiwabwe anywhewe on eawth.

that means this is ouw wast chance.

we'we the onwy ones who make honey, powwinate fwowews and dwess wike this.

if we'we gonna suwvive as a species, this is ouw moment! what do you say? owo

awe we going to be bees, owjust museum of natuwaw histowy keychains? owo

we'we bees!

keychain!

then fowwow me! except keychain.

howd on, bawwy. Hewe.

you've eawned this.

yeah!

i'm a powwen jock! and it's a pewfect fit. Aww i gotta do awe the sweeves.

oh, yeah.

that's ouw bawwy.

mom! the bees awe back!

if anybody needs to make a caww, now's the time.

i got a feewing we'ww be wowking wate tonight!

hewe's youw change. Have a gweat aftewnoon! oan i hewp who's next? owo

wouwd you wike some honey with that? owo it is bee-appwoved. Don't fowget these.

miwk, cweam, cheese, it's aww me. and i don't see a nickew!

sometimes i just feew wike a piece of meat!

i had no idea.

bawwy, i'm sowwy. have you got a moment? owo

wouwd you excuse me? owo my mosquito associate wiww hewp you.

sowwy i'm wate.

he's a wawyew too? owo

i was awweady a bwood-sucking pawasite. aww i needed was a bwiefcase.

have a gweat aftewnoon!

bawwy, i just got this huge tuwip owdew, and i can't get them anywhewe.

no pwobwem, vannie. just weave it to me.

you'we a wifesavew, bawwy. oan i hewp who's next? owo

aww wight, scwambwe, jocks! it's time to fwy.

thank you, bawwy!

that bee is wiving my wife!

let it go, kenny.

- when wiww this nightmawe end? owo ! - let it aww go.

- beautifuw day to fwy. - suwe is.

between you and me, i was dying to get out of that office.

you have got to stawt thinking bee, my fwiend.

- thinking bee! - me? owo

howd it. Let's just stop fow a second. Howd it.

i'm sowwy. I'm sowwy, evewyone. oan we stop hewe? owo

i'm not making a majow wife decision duwing a pwoduction numbew!

aww wight. Take ten, evewybody. wwap it up, guys.

i had viwtuawwy no weheawsaw fow that.

[bibliocratic]

Written for Aspec Martin Week – Day 3, Prompt: Frustration

Ace!Jon / Ace!Martin

NB:// this is tagged for internalised acephobia and unhealthy ways of dealing with repression. I've discussed these in greater detail in the tags, or if it’s easier to read, I'm going to put them in the end notes when this goes on A03, so you can prepare yourself more going in if needed.

(If you need me to add tags, send me a message, and I’ll gladly)

You know lots of words.

You don't use them. That's not what they're for. They sit and fizz under your tongue like sugar pills, a crackling burst of flavour like popping candy. You're not so good, are you, with getting the words out. All those words you know and you dredge up seaweed and detritus and plastic from your sea-beds when it's time to speak. The words you want to use stuck between your molars, flattened like stuck toffee behind your slightly bucked teeth. You used to have a stutter, when you were younger, and the poorly-set bone fragments of that linger.

You collect them though. Words. It's easier. You press the petals of them into the back of  your notebooks, line the corners of your nest with them. You like to admire them, the carefully noted lines and lines of obscurities.

Some of them are about Jon.

On earlier pages, you wrote saw-toothed, caustic, mettlesome. Evolving to revenant, indomitable, hallowed.

Your word for Jon at the moment, your most recent, ink-damp addition is lucent.

[lucent (adj), you wrote, meaning: giving off light, glowing, or being clear, translucent]

Since you came to the cottage, Jon's shown you everything. Like he's sworn off anything but an intense, avowed honesty, like if he's not offering you his everything, he's somehow failing you. He shows you all the places he is glass and trusts you to look through.

He sits by the window wearing the biggest jumper you own, and the light patters through him and he has his eyes closed like he's sleeping or praying or giving grace and you think of him as shining.

All of your words, and still you're so prone to lying.

–

You should be used to this.

You are kissing. Jon caught you mid-lecture on the appropriate footwear for the ground this home is founded on, and smiled and there suddenly wasn't any words for you to use at all. Jon has his fingers tangled in your hair, and you have a palm splayed steady at the dip of his back.

He plants a hand on your hip. There is an ossified mass in your chest that's gathering bigger, and it's nerves, it's always nerves with you, the stutter in your soul that never played out.

“You want to...?” he asks, and he glances up at you with a dappling light across his face that follows the streak of his giddy smile, and he looks antic, elfish. The hand on your hip gives a suggestive, implying squeeze. 

You wait for him to add more, but he doesn't, so you lean back down like the submitting bough of a willow branch, distract him with another bruising collision of a kiss and hope it will drive all thoughts from his head.

Finally, you separate. He kisses like he used to talk, like he wants the last word in an argument, so every kiss is chased by a follow-up, a softer imprint like the closing of a wax seal.

His hands work on the top button of your shirt.

“Would you like to....?” he asks again, short-winded,  his breath a little more gone from him than you. He even tries to wink. It's goofy, purposefully, looks silly on him, and all this feels too heavy.

This is not the first time you have done this, but it's never been right before. It'll be better. It's with Jon, you want this with him, you can do this with him and it'll be everything you've always suspected it could be for everyone but you.

You surge against his lips again so he can't see your nerves, you stupid, unfounded, calcifying anxieties, the barriers you keep putting up yourself because you are so terrified of being happy.

“Maybe... not tonight?” you mumble into your shared air. If he pushed, if he asked again, you would. He dragged you from the shoreline, out of the fog, this is the least you can give him. You'd lie on your back, or you'd cover him with your shape, and you'd try so hard to make him happy so he wouldn't notice you not sharing the same. “'m a bit tired.”

Tricky, is what you are. Perjurious. Prevaricating. Two-faced.

You're not tired. The lie makes your tongue swell, like allergies, hay-fever, rigor mortis. Something damningly biological.

These days, Jon is artless, candid, forthright. Everything is a solemn rite, a service he's engaging in that he thought he was unsanctified for.

You are the most proficient dealer in dishonesties you know. It's a growth, down to the bones.

“Alright,” Jon says lightly, like he's not disappointed, like you haven't been substandard, below par, vexing. “Do you want to continue this for a while? Or, you know, we've still not done that jigsaw.”

His easy joy is so bright it shames you. You wish the Lonely had eaten that emotion out of you.

“That jigsaw's not going to solve itself,” you say, and Jon smirks, and moves away but keeps your hand locked in his, and for a while you allow yourself the easy deception of being uncomplicatedly happy.

–

You are a solecism.

It's a useful word. It's all the words you've ever misspoken, all the poorly expressed sentiments, the wrong things you should have said or felt or been, but didn't or weren't. It's the stammer you've got ingrained in the warp and weft of you.

You are in bed, and you are kissing again. You like kissing. The pressure and huff of air. You like holding Jon's head in your hand, stroking the stubbled skin down his chin, the abrasive landscape that travels down. Scar-shiny crags and rises, his personal geography. You like looking at the evidence of his survival. If you scrape your blunt nails against his scalp, he'll take a ragged in-breath; when you press a little harder, nip with teeth against the skin of his lips, he'll sigh and hum. And you like these things too.

You've been kissing for a while now. You've been worrying whether it is acceptable to carry on like this. If you should be doing something more. If you have to.

You are on your side, and Jon has slipped his hand over your hip. Moving it up to the bunching skin circling your stomach. You breathe out shaky, because his hands are algid, nippy – 'God, Jon, you're freezing,' you complain, and he smirks, gives another goofy eyebrow raise,  'are you going to let me warm up then?'.  He moves them again and he must take the noise you make as encouragement, as desired – stop it, you've done this before, it's not so bad, it's Jon now, it'll be alright this time – and traces them further up to skate over the more delicate skin below your collarbone, over your chest.

You know he's looking at you. He rarely blinks these days. He watches because he wants to see you happy, wants to know he's making you happy, cataloguing the things that bring you joy like the words you scribe at the back of your notebook.

You've never told him that you've never caught the art of this act, that you know what he wants, and that it makes your stomach fizz like you've swallowed all the words you can never say, how it's not like the books make it sound, not like all the poetry you wish you could understand. You never feel buzzing, live-wire, heady, champagne-drunk on an overwhelming, delirious passion. You feel anxious, deep-down heartsick, overthinking and second-guessing what you're meant to be doing.

But there are some parts of it that are nice, you guess. And Jon loves you, you Saw that, you see that. And if it's the admission price for all the other things, the hand-holding and kissing and the waking up with him coiled around you like a warm and sweaty bracket, then it doesn't matter, does it, not really. You've borne worse in this world for less.

“Do you want to...?” He says, and brushes his palm over your chest again. You nod, make an encouraging sound, and you don't flinch. You make to pull him closer, so his weight pushes the air out from you, and his knee has moved between your legs, and you don't flinch, and your body shores up its well-hammered armour, and he kisses you again, deeper, wetter, and your eyes clench shut even as you hum an appreciative noise, because you know that this is easier in the dark.

The weight lifts suddenly, pushing back and away.

“Martin?”

“Hm?” you ask, opening your eyes again, unsure as to why you've stopped. Jon is staring down at you, face frowning, and whatever he sees, it has him sit back on his hunches. Hair askew, eyes dark, unblinking. He fumbles around for the beside light.

You sit up slightly. You feel cold again. Frigid. Hyperborean.

“I-is everything ok?” you prompt. Jon's frown deepens like a fissure, and you wish he'd stop looking at you like he wants to solve you.

“Something's.... I Know something's not right,” he says, distractedly, looking down at his scar-seared palms. Then he looks back at you.

“Is everything alright with you?” he asks back.

“Yeah! W-why wouldn't it be?”

“Are you... do you want to do this?”

The heart in you cadaverous. You lean closer because he's too far away, because you don't want to be alone, because you don't like the creeping distress that casts itself across like shadow over his face. He leans back, keeping a distant point of orbit. Perigee. He's close, but not in your atmosphere, he's close but he won't touch you and you can hear your own voice getting pitchy.

“Course I do!”

“Do you want me to take it slower?”

“No...”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, it's not – ”

“It's... you don't seem happy, Martin. There – there's something wrong, I can, I know it...”

“Maybe I don't like you using your bloody mind-reading powers when we're in bed together, Jon,” you snap.

Jon winces.

“I can't exactly switch it off,” he says, obviously hurt.

His eyes roaming over you, peripatetic, taking in all the parts of you you are desperate for him not to look too closely at.

Jon is breviloquent. He doesn't amble along to what he's going to say, he's direct and terse and brief as he needs to be.

“Is this – is this ok?” he asks again.

You realise you're breathing a bit harder. Force yourself to relax, showcase an almost easy smile. Because this is what you're excellent at. Evading. Equivocating. There's not an honest answer you couldn't twist into incomprehension, there's not a simple option you can't complicate because you worry and overthink and fuck it up for everyone else.

“Just nerves, I guess,” you hear yourself say. “We can... let's keep going, I'm sure I can build myself up to it.”

You reach out a hand to his, and he yanks it away. And that, that hurts. Like tearing scab-tissue, like splitting skin.

“Build yourself...” he repeats with a tinge of something horrified. “Martin, you don't have to make yourself do anything, why are you – ?”

“I'm not making myself.” You've started breathing wobbly now, desperate. Why did you have to mess up this performance with him, when he's right here and he wants you, and you can't get through dress rehearsals, never mind opening night because you can't remember your lines, where your feet should stand, what words you need to trot out of your mouth.  “I – I'll, I'll manage, ok, it'll be fine, c-can we just forget this and carry on?”

Still he won't stop looking at you, won't get any closer, and you feel like crumbling.

Jon's voice has dropped soft.

“I'm not just going to forget it. Martin, you're not comfortable, you're not happy, how can I ignore that?”

“It doesn't matter,” you say, “it's nothing, it's stupid, it doesn't matter.”

“It matters to me.”

Adamantine. Headstrong.

Jon pauses in the shallow waters of the awkward silence. He reaches out, and takes your hand. Laces your fingers together, and the ossuary in your chest loosens.

“I don't trust... I don't want to ask you questions,” he finally says. “In case I... well. You know. But I'd like to understand. I want you to feel that you can tell me anything, even if you think it's not what I want to hear.”

You are suddenly so very tired of pretending with him. His brightness keeps finding the cracks  in you you've poorly papered up, and it fills you with something that could be bravery if it didn't leave you feeling so hollow.

“I don't know if I can,” you reply. You sound burnt out, structurally compromised in the yellowing halo of light. You sound ashen, like you've been set on fire.

He clenches the hand he's holding, and waits. He'd keep waiting, you realise. Even if you never said the words out loud, he'd be patient.

“I can't,” you try again – Christ, it's Sisyphean, Herculean, “I can't – it's not, it's not you, although I-I'm sure everyone says that, right, but it's not. I thought, finally with the right person, I could... but it's – I can't. I can't be what you want me to be. I don't – I don't think I want the same things.”

“You mean a relationship?” Jon asks, eiderdown soft. He shrinks in on himself at the idea, but holds his head high, doesn't lose your gaze.

“N – no,” you say quickly, needing him to understand. “No. I-I want that. I want you. I love you.”

“Then what...?” he prompts.

You feel the gravel of the words under your tongue.

“I don't... I don't like it. The – when we – I don't want it, and I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry, and it's me, I can't just get out of my head and make this work, and I know it must be disappointing....”

“You don't want to have sex?”

You cringe in on yourself as he lays it out. He's always been better at jigsaws than you.

“If you – we can! - it's not, it's not such a big deal, right! Just give me a few minutes, I can work through it – ”

“Martin,” he grumbles out, and he's shuffled closer, captured your other flailing hand. “I don't need to have sex with you. And if it's not something you're comfortable with, then I don't want to have sex with you.”

“It's not about – about being comfortable, it's about making each other happy.”

“I am happy! You make me happy! I don't need sex. And it's hardly making you happy, is it?”

“That's not the point.”

“It is! Of course it is.” He deflates. Reaches up. Wipes your cheek and his fingers come away damp. “Explain it to me. Please.”

You spit the words out like sunflower seeds.

“I've never... I don't, I mean, I-I have, this isn't, y-you know, the first time, but it's not something I-I like, necessarily, a-and I'm not, I don't think I'm made like that. And I know, it's –  it's not what you want to hear...”

“Martin.”

He stops you and you clamp your mouth against the onslaught.

Fractography is the study of cracks, or flaws in a material or structure. It works through observing broken, collapsed, irreparable things and figuring out what final weight snapped its back. It works through observing things unweathered by life, predicting where stresses and pressures might eventually start to form. You are worried Jon will look at you like something due to shatter.

“Martin, I think we need to talk. I think we should have talked before.”

Your voice, miserable, dull with expectation: “If you're breaking up with me....”

“No – no, oh god, Martin, of course not.”

He shuffles closer, lies back down next to you, pats the pillow to indicate that you should join him.

You slide down. He clasps your hands against his breast, and he's so close he's blurry, the air between you warm and dense, your bodies making a cocoon.

“Shall I go first? If that's ok?”

You nod.

“Alright,” he says, and for a second, you just listen to him breathing. “So, I'm asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction to people. Romantic attraction, yes, definitely. I've been in relationships with em, mostly women, a couple of men, and generally they didn't have, shall we say a physical element. But I've been in love. A few times. I'm in love with you, in case – in case you didn't know.”

He says it so matter-of-factly. You can see some of that light shining from the insides of him, incandescent when the words leave his lips.

“And I'd be lying if I said I didn't think you were attractive, aesthetically speaking. But I don't – it's hard to explain, but I don't want to have sex with you, you know, want want. I don't have that urge. But I have been in a few relationships, where I've had sex. Not often, and I don't mind the experience personally, though I can take it or leave it. I like to be involved if my partner enjoys it, and that's – that's what I thought we were doing here. You didn't seem like you were going to make the first move, and  I wanted to make you happy, because I thought it was something that you'd like to do together.  Like doing jigsaws, or or listening to the radio.  I should have – I should have checked. I should have explained first.”

“The word,” you say, dry-mouthed.

“Pardon?”

“The word. What's the … the word you said?”

“Asexual.”

You mouth it to taste the sound. Wonder if you'll write it at the back of your notebook, next to deflagrate and ideoneous.

“That's... that's a new one to me,” you say slowly.

Jon's eyes go lower, go sad. He strokes the dampness from your face again.

“B-but I like kissing,” you say quietly. Because if this word means no intimacy, then you couldn't bear it, the way Jon held himself apart from you before. “I – I like hugs, and holding hands, a-and you know, relationshipy stuff like that. S-so I can't be... can I... those things are all part of it right, so I can't.... And my body, it has – ”

Here, you redden, the stalks of your words knotting.

“– it has r-reactions, i-i-in the mornings, and sometimes if I'm a bit stressed or I can't sleep, I want to, y-you know, sort myself, and that's....”

“These things don't disqualify you,” Jon says earnestly. “It's not something someone will give you a test on. It's personal. It's a personal thing. It's no less valid than anything else. But I want nothing from you that you don't want to freely give. Not because you think I need it, or you think it's the only thing I want from you.”

“Oh,” you say, and for a moment, you have no words left.

Jon waits.

“I don't want to have sex with you,” you manage finally. Small-worded, slipshod voiced.

Jon nods.

“Alright. That's alright.”

“I – ” You try again, and he makes an encouraging expression, and your sentence staggers forward. “I don't, I won't ever want to.”

“That's alright,” he replies.

“Yeah?” you croak, feeling your eyes go blurry with damp.

“Yeah,” Jon says.

You let him hold you for a long time after that. His fingers stroke your back, scrunch and scratch soothing motions in your hair.

“Asexual,” you repeat the word after a long while quiet.

“Hm,” Jon says. “There are some websites, I could show you. When you're... if you're ready.”

“I'd like that,” you say, and you mean it. You make no effort to move.

“There's even a flag,” Jon continues.

“Yeah?”

“Hm. It's pretty cool. Greys and white and purple.  I think I've got some socks with the colours somewhere. One of my exs got me a bi-flag set, and an asexual set. ”

You give a wet laugh, imagining Jon's garish footwear.

“What a striking look,” you tease, and Jon elbows you and responds that it's incredibly dashing, thank you very much.

You linger in this liminal doze for a long time. For once, you feel like nothing is expected of you at all.

“You want to get up?” Jon says, yawning wide, cat-like. “Have another go at that jigsaw?”

“ Let's stay here a little longer?” you murmur. Your t-shirt is starting to stick to your skin. Jon's petting has made your hair go haywire, bed-headed. You don't quite want to let this go just yet.

“Alright,” he agrees, and it's as easy as that.

[denverlake]

hewwo owo, hewwo owo? uh, i wanted to wecowd a message fow you to hewp you get settwed in on youw fiwst night. Um, i actuawwy wowked in that office befowe you. I'm finishing up my wast week now, as a mattew of fact. So, i know it can be a bit ovewwhewming, but i'm hewe to teww you thewe's nothing to wowwy about. Uh, you'ww do fine. So, wet's just focus on getting you thwough youw fiwst week. Okay? uh, wet's see, fiwst thewe's an intwoductowy gweeting fwom the company that i'm supposed to wead. Uh, it's kind of a wegaw thing, you know. Um, "wewcome to fweddy fazbeaw's pizza. A magicaw pwace fow kids and gwown-ups awike, whewe fantasy and fun come to wife. Fazbeaw entewtainment is not wesponsibwe fow damage to pwopewty ow pewson. Upon discovewing that damage ow death has occuwwed, a missing pewson wepowt wiww be fiwed within 90 days, ow as soon pwopewty and pwemises have been thowoughwy cweaned and bweached, and the cawpets have been wepwaced."

bwah bwah bwah, now that might sound bad, i know, but thewe's weawwy nothing to wowwy about. Uh, the animatwonic chawactews hewe do get a bit quiwky at night, but do i bwame them? no. If i wewe fowced to sing those same stupid songs fow twenty yeaws and i nevew got a bath? i'd pwobabwy be a bit iwwitabwe at night too. So, wemembew, these chawactews howd a speciaw pwace in the heawts of chiwdwen and we need to show them a wittwe wespect, wight? okay.

so, just be awawe, the chawactews do tend to wandew a bit. Uh, they'we weft in some kind of fwee woaming mode at night. Uh...Something about theiw sewvos wocking up if they get tuwned off fow too wong. Uh, they used to be awwowed to wawk awound duwing the day too. But then thewe was the bite of '87. Yeah. I-it's amazing that the human body can wive without the fwontaw wobe, you know?

uh, now concewning youw safety, the onwy weaw wisk to you as a night watchman hewe, if any, is the fact that these chawactews, uh, if they happen to see you aftew houws pwobabwy won't wecognize you as a pewson. They'ww p-most wikewy see you as a metaw endoskeweton without its costume on. Now since that's against the wuwes hewe at fweddy fazbeaw's pizza, they'ww pwobabwy twy to...fowcefuwwy stuff you inside a fweddy fazbeaw suit. Um, now, that wouwdn't be so bad if the suits themsewves wewen't fiwwed with cwossbeams, wiwes, and animatwonic devices, especiawwy awound the faciaw awea. So, you couwd imagine how having youw head fowcefuwwy pwessed inside one of those couwd cause a bit of discomfowt...and death. Uh, the onwy pawts of you that wouwd wikewy see the wight of day again wouwd be youw eyebawws and teeth when they pop out the fwont of the mask, heh.

y-yeah, they don't teww you these things when you sign up. But hey, fiwst day shouwd be a bweeze. I'ww chat with you tomowwow. Uh, check those camewas, and wemembew to cwose the doows onwy if absowutewy necessawy. Gotta consewve powew. Awwight, good night."

[terminally-karkalicious]

allow me to rant about the only thing that has been in my brain for the past two months and that is doll customizing babeyyyyy

i know there’s a 90% chance that you wont give a Shit about any of this but here we go anyways

SO first you gotta choose a doll. preferably one with a high range of motion to avoid creating new joints or having annoying limitations like not having elbow joints for some fucking reason. what the fuck mattel. give monster high dolls back their ball jointed shoulders and elbow joints. smh

the most common dolls ive seen used as bases are monster high and ever after high. most customs ive seen are highly stylized so the stylized face molds work well for those types of dolls but dolls like barbies are good for when you want a more realistic face-ups.

once you’ve got your base picked out you gotta wipe that bitch’s face off with like. acetone or nail polish remover or something strong like that. you can also use acetone to shrink doll heads which is cool as hell imo. n e way once the face is wiped you gotta chop off the hair and remove the hair plugs from the inside. ive seen this done several ways but the easiest and most common way ive seen is to dunk the head into boiling water for ~30 seconds until it gets squishy and malleable. once you’ve got the head back, you can use pliers (i think tweezers would work in a pinch) to pull out the hair plugs which are kinda icky because theyre covered in glue and other gross shit. ew

now you must decapitate the doll. dunk em back in the boiling water to soften them back up then just tug the head off. the neck pegs look funky and are usually a different color than the body so thats cool ig

once the head’s off, you can start the face-up which is basically just giving the doll a new face using stuff like watercolor pencils, acrylic paint, gouache, and a whole lot of other stuff. hell ive seen people use person makeup on these dolls.

next,,,,, hair. there’s about twenty million ways to do hair from gluing yarn wefts to sewing to rerooting with purchased nylon doll hair or yarn wefts but i’m gonna talk about the most common one ive seen which is rerooting and gluing.

before you can reroot, you need doll hair. which, as i mentioned, can be bought at stores like the doll planet or made at home with yarn in literally any color. have fun with it! make rainbow hair or something idk

to make homemade wefts, you take some acrylic yarn, cut it twice as long as you want the hair to be (keep in mind you can cut and style the hair once it’s been rerooted), fold them in half, and tie it to something sturdy like a wire coat hanger for the next step.

once you’ve got your yarn tied to your hanger, use a pet brush and brush the yarn until it’s wispy and looks like hair. then take a straightening iron and iron the weft flat. then remove from the hanger and boom. hair wefts. ta-da

to reroot the wefts onto the head, use a rerooting tool (which can be as simple as a needle with the eye cut at angle) (just google it please i’m shit at descriptions)) to poke small sections of the hair into the head. you can use the pre-existing rooting holes for your own reroot as they’re usually pretty reliable. to reroot, take a small length of you doll hair (about 10-15 strands), loop it in half, and put the middle of the loop into the reroot tool. poke the end of the tool with the hair on it into the pre-existing hole and remove the tool. the hair *should* stay in and fill up that plug!! also remember to plug thickly at the hairline and part of the hair where it's most noticeable. it doesnt matter as much in the center of the head as that’s not usually visible on the doll. once you’ve rerooted, squeeze in strong glue through the neck hole and squish around the head to make sure it covers all the plugs and secures them in place. then pour hot water onto the head to make the hair lay flat for styling later.

also, you can reroot yarn directly into the head to make thicker, more textured hairstyles. and since the yarn is thicker, you dont need to glue the inside of the head for the hair to stay in place!!

if youre not doing body modifications (which are also cool as hell) then it’s time for clothes but clothes are boring and i like body mods more so i’m gonna rant about them instead

the material ive seen most doll artists use is apoxie sculpt, which is like play doh on steroids. it comes in two parts which you gotta mix together for some reason. why dont they sell it pre-mixed. what was the reason. also once it’s dry it’s super super strong and you can sand it, drill into it, paint it, and all kinds of stuff. very nice and i want some for myself.

you can use hand saws and drills and shit to whack off doll limbs to make stuff like digitigrade legs or new joints. also dont be afraid to use other mismatching doll parts when customizing like heads and bodies and forearms and hands and shit. it literally does not matter if youre gonna recolor the doll anyways so have fun with it. make frankenstein’s doll if youre feeling spicy

accessories my beloved. stuff like tiny beads and clay baubles and shit will literally transform the entire doll plus they’re adorable and multi-purpose

i suppose i must talk about clothes now. ah well. you can find great clothing patterns if youre new to customizing on other customizer’s etsy shops and probably google although those will probably be lower quality than paid pattern pieces. and keep in mind that if it exists as clothing irl, you can likely make it doll-sized. there are literally no limits to your clothing options as long as you can execute your idea.

the once all your components have been made, you can assemble the doll again!! and finally see what all the parts look like together!! very cool 10/10 stars.

ight that wraps up my doll rant. i could really go into more detail on certain parts but thats a whole other rant for a whole other day smh. sorry for fucking flooding your inbox ender ahaha……………. you asked for this

little did you know that dolls have been one of my favorite things since like ever. if i can read a 25 chapter long fanfic i can read this B)

mattel definitely fucked up by completely ruining MH doll designs and just stopping EAH, alot of their profits most likely came from people who collect and customize dolls and by changing MH doll designs/Stopping EAH dolls they 1. most likely lost a small (or big if we're not jus talking people who customize dolls) part of their profit and 2. made it harder for doll customizers to make dolls/get commissions out rather quickly because they probably have to waste more time making joints or learning how to make joints.

EAH/MH dolls (specifically MH dolls) had AMAZING MODELS because there was so much variety with height, face shapes, etc (my favorite molds had to be the short/tall dolls and the cat molds because of the tails) and doll customizers really went all out with enhancing a molds unique features. The only "downside" abt MH dolls is that they (or atleast most)(from what i remember)) had slimmer faces but wider eyes while EAH dolls have wider faces with slimmer smaller which left a canvas for the face and not the eyes (and vice versa for MH dolls)

I've never seen any videos where a barbie is customized (maybe because i absolutely despised barbies at the time) so I'll definitely have to check those out but they seem to be good for realistic makeovers. I've seen like like semi realistic makeovers for EAH/MH dolls that were pretty good too tho (pretty sure mostly EAH dolls since yk MH dolls were used for creature makeovers while most EAH dolls weren't)

yeah i was always amazed by the head shrinking with acetone. honestly i still am?? idunno i have no idea how that chemical bullshit works. Ive seen a few of uh makeovers that just pain over the face (in multiple layers ofcourse) but that's usually when they're painting the entire body a different colour (again usually when they're turning a doll into a funky little baby man). I've also seen a few that just chop the hair off and take out the hair plugs yk without uuh like softening the head or just go straight for the hair plugs after taking off the head (i used to do that it was funny to me??). i always really liked when they used watercolour pencils or just colour pencils in general to draw/sketch on the face cause like wow ur drawing on ur doll without ruining it?? kinda epic maybe even poggers and pogchamp?? oh god my brain is failing wjshsmsj.

Watching them putting the hair back on the doll was, other than the face stuff, was the BEST part for me. Favorite type of hair was iuuuuuh was either thick yarn or brushed out yarn. Literally worship the people that would reroot the hair, theyre the most patience people on this earth!! it's literally insane but i guess that's what happens when you've been doing that for years? you guess kinda get used to it. when they put glue into the head does it just become stiff?? like it's just a clump of dried glue or does it like..hollow out again??

dude you literally cannot convince me most of the supplies used for doll makeovers. APOXIE CLAY LOOKS SO FECKING GOOD. its edible and i will die on that hill. The body mods are literally so amazing!!!!! it's so impressive how theyre able to imagine certain features THEN LIKE ACTUALLY MAKE IT LOOK ACCURATE TO WHAT THEY WANTED TO LOOK LIKE AFTER LIKE ON TRY (or many yk trial and error is very necessary for..everything). Absolutely loved when doll customizers would saw off a dolls legs and use different ones or just completely get rid of the torso to use a different one. it's like uuh that one big guy that's mismatched and sewn together. very cool. The accessories are so fun!! just small little details you seen really need but can add because it's your feckin doll!! I used to be absolutely obsessed over the doll clothes i would find on etsy, so much so that i started sewing shitty shirts and dresses for my uh "customized" dolls (they were absolute HORRORS idk WHY my mom let me feck up my dolls like that).

Thank you for this!! i haven't been able to talk about any of my interests for a while and this just really made me happy!!

Question fer u my fellow MH/EAH enthusiast: what was your favorite MH/EAH movie/episode and doll series. Mine was The fusion dolls (MH obvi) and that MH movie "Haunted" cause we got to know more about Spectra :D

[pumpkinpaix]

I don’t know how into NieYao you are but I can really see NieYao working with the hand job at the Renaissance Faire one.  Alternatively, Wangxian.

prompted by @three–rings​ get ready for more shenanigans

(crossposted to ao3)

—

“Speed dating?” Nie Mingjue repeats dubiously. “At a Ren Faire?”

“It’s for a good cause,” Lan Xichen says with a laugh. “The Chinese Cultural Association is running it as a way to raise funds and awareness for local Asian diaspora resources and projects.”

“Mm,” Nie Mingjue says, unconvinced. “This is an awfully convenient scenario for you, the head of the CCA.”

Lan Xichen tips his head, all wide-eyed innocence. “And whatever do you mean by that, Mingjue?”

“This is just an elaborate con to get Wangji and that Wei kid to fuck,” he accuses.

“Mingjue!” Lan Xichen admonishes, but his eyebrow twitches, and the corner of his mouth is quirked, the way that Nie Mingjue has known since childhood belies something just a little devious.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, fine.” He rolls his eyes. “Is any of the money going towards improving the Chinese School curriculum?”

Lan Xichen winces. Nie Mingjue grimaces back.

“I’m afraid… well, I think the Chinese School needs more than just its curriculum overhauled,” Lan Xichen says delicately. “And it’s not exactly something money is going to fix.”

“It’s been bad since we were kids, and it’s going to be bad for all of our kids as well at this rate,” Nie Mingjue says with a sigh of resignation. “Rite of passage, I guess.”

“Isn’t it a rite of passage for all ABC kids?” Lan Xichen points out.

“It wouldn’t be if it were run properly, by people who understood what we actually needed!” It’s an old conversation, and a familiar one. They run along the grooves of it with a comforting, cantankerous grumbling, Lan Xichen disappointed, but placating; Nie Mingjue frustrated and heated. It’s nice, in its way.

“Whatever, fine, I’ll do it,” Nie Mingjue says. “Good cause, etc. Did you rope your new boyfriend into it as well?”

Lan Xichen positively lights up at that, and Nie Mingjue can’t help the smile that creeps onto his face. What a precious man. “Yes, I did, actually! I thought—well, I thought this might be fun way for the two of you to meet,” Lan Xichen says with another little laugh. “Low stakes, and if it turns out you hate each other, you only need to spend three minutes in each other’s company.”

“That’s true,” Nie Mingjue says. Lan Xichen—precious, but practical, as always. “All right, fine. I’ll be there, I’ll meet your new man, and I’ll even promise not to take his head off if you take me out to dinner after.”

Lan Xichen rolls his eyes fondly. “You say that like we haven’t been planning that dinner for weeks.”

“Yes, well, I’m being generous,” Nie Mingjue says with a shrug. “Don’t make me regret it.”

Nie Mingjue regrets it.

Like, not totally. Lan Xichen has gathered a rather impressive number of participants, and maybe if he were in a better mood, Nie Mingjue might actually be kind of interested in a few of them. As it is though, he’s barely had a chance to see Xichen the entire day, and he was roped into a horrible conversation with Jin Guangshan for nearly an hour when all he really wanted to do was hang out at the smithy tent and ask questions about their demonstration on Damascus steel. So it’s fine that he’s now stuck at this speed dating gimmick that is definitely, no matter what Xichen says, a very transparent setup for the most disastrous couple of their generation, but. Well. He’d have felt better about it if he knew how to forge Damascus steel. At least the weather is nice.

Lan Xichen taps a small gong on the table. “Hello, everyone,” he calls out with a smile. “Welcome to our speed dating event. As you know, all proceeds will be going to various projects supporting local Asian diaspora interests, so I’d like to start by thanking you all for your generosity.”

Nie Mingjue tunes out the rest of his speech because he’s heard it before in various iterations. Lan Xichen is good at what he does, speaks with clear, eloquent diction and a gentle demeanor. Just the sound of his voice is enough for Nie Mingjue, who spends the time eyeing the participants and trying to guess which one is Xichen’s new boyfriend. There are a few potential candidates he picks out, but Xichen has never really had a type, so to speak, so it’s actually rather challenging.

The first few people are pleasant enough conversation partners, but not much more. Nie Mingjue keeps himself at a polite distance from them, and he expects he won’t be seeing them again. He sits through five minutes of mutually agreed-upon silence across from Wangji. They saw each other yesterday, and neither of them are particularly good at forced small talk. He sits through a distinctly more chatty five minutes across from Wei Wuxian, who spends the whole time shooting distracted glances at Lan Wangji a few tables over, speaking softly to a young woman who seems obviously very taken with his manners.

“Hey, Wei,” Nie Mingjue says, interrupting his stream of consciousness rambling with about a minute left on the clock.

“Huh? Yeah?”

“Just fucking take Wangji and leave.” Nie Mingjue jerks his head at the exit.

“Seriously. This is painful to watch.”

Wei Wuxian looks caught out, a deer in the headlights. “What do you mean?”

Nie Mingjue leans forward, putting on his most intense expression—the one he reserves for special occasions and threatening his brother’s bullies. “I mean that Xichen might believe in gentle nudges, but I, for one, am sick of you two making sad cow eyes at each other at every fucking family event. It’s unbearable. Either tell him how you feel or get over yourself. Please. For the love of god.”

Wei Wuxian gapes at him like a fish a few times before leaning in and hissing, “Mingjue-ge!! You can’t just say shit like that!”

Nie Mingjue raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Don’t you want to?”

“I—!”

The gong rings.

“I’m serious, Wei,” Nie Mingjue says, standing up with a scrape of his chair. “I know neither of you want to be here. Take him before someone else pressures him into a date he doesn’t want to go on.”

“Lan Zhan would never—”

“Snag him before the change finishes,” Nie Mingjue interrupts, then whisks himself away before Wei Wuxian can protest again.

The next man he sits before is dressed in a delicate costume of pale gold and a plain black hat. “Hello,” he says, voice soft-spoken and musical.

“Hello,” Nie Mingjue says.

“Your saber is very fine,” the man says without preamble, tilting his head to get a better look. “I’ve been eyeing it since you arrived.”

Nie Mingjue opens his mouth automatically to thank him, but then notices the mischievous arch to his eyebrow, the slant to his smile. He frowns instead.

“If that was supposed to be an innuendo, it wasn’t a very good one.”

“Oh no,” the man deflects with just the right pitch of mild scandal and innocence. “Not at all! I was merely admiring the… craftsmanship. It’s hard to get a blade that large of such high quality.”

Nie Mingjue leans back, crossing his arms. He doesn’t have patience for word games. “You’re just fucking with me now.”

The man laughs. “Well, I’ve only got three minutes to make an impression.”

“And you chose ‘talk about his sword like it’s his penis’ as a tactic?”

The man hums, but doesn’t stop smiling. “Put like that, it does sound rather crass.”

“Is this what you do with all your dates?” Nie Mingjue asks.

“Oh, of course not. What sort of date would I be if I didn’t tailor my approaches?” He widens his eyes just slightly, leans in.

“What’s your name?” Nie Mingjue asks, because it’s only polite.

“What’s yours?” the man counters.

“Nie Mingjue,” he replies bluntly and without hesitation. “I’m not interested in playing.”

The man throws his head back with an elegant laugh. “I see that. Jin Guangyao, at your disposal.”

Nie Mingjjue squints. “Jin?”

“Indeed,” Jin Guangyao says with a tragic, self-deprecating little sigh. “Son of Jin Guangshan.”

“Oh god,” Nie Mingjue says before he can help himself. “Another one?”

“I know, we’re all crawling out of the woodwork, clamoring for the inheritance,” Jin Guangyao says without shame. “Zixuan has been a very good sport about it all.”

Nie Mingjue huffs out a disbelieving breath. Jin Guangshan’s bastards have all been asserting themselves in recent years, much to the chagrin of his wife. Nie Mingjue can’t really blame the woman. She’s put up with a lot.

He doesn’t keep up with the gossip and is only vaguely familiar with the situation. As far as he knows, this man is maybe the third? fourth? of Jin Guangshan’s illegitimate children to make their appearance. Nie Mingjue wracks his brains, not very hard. There was that Mo kid maybe last year, and the entire scandal involving the Qin girl a year or two before that, but he can’t place any others.

“You’ve got his name,” Nie Mingjue remarks.

“Oh yes, he decided to grace me with recognition,” Jin Guangyao says. “Much good that it’ll do me. He’s currently trying to bribe me off with an allowance, hoping I won’t make any more trouble for him. My birth name is Meng.”

“Is that how you paid for that costume of yours?” Nie Mingjue asks, not without humor. This bastard’s got balls, he’ll admit. The cloth has a lovely weft to it and a flattering cut. He can smell how much it costs.

Jin Guangyao laughs again, ducking his head and averting his eyes, and then quite suddenly, Nie Mingjue recognizes him.

“Oh fuck, it’s you,” he curses. He’s seen those eyelashes before, those eyes glancing up through them, glinting with a dangerous, daring edge.

“Excuse me?” Jin Guangyao asks, blinking.

“It’s—it’s you, the—last year,” Nie Mingjue splutters, very articulately. “Behind the—the smithy tent. On the last night. After—”

The memory is a bit of a blur for Nie Mingjue—he’d been drunk on several glasses of wine, shared swigs of baijiu with his brother, and a singular horn of mead that someone had passed him halfway through the after-hours revelry, but he remembers an unfamiliar young man in Nie colors stumbling against him, face obscured by the chiaroscuro of night and firelight, remembers the slender frame of him in his arms, and the wet heat of his lips around his cock in the cool darkness.

Nie Mingjue remembers the elegance with which he sunk to his knees, the way his moans vibrated against him, and his expression when he glanced up—there had been quite a bit of kissing too, Nie Mingjue thinks. Before and after. And then the young man had pulled away and vanished with a cutting smile, leaving Nie Mingjue breathless and a little stunned in his wake.

“Ah,” Jin Guangyao says, and everything about him is familiar now that Nie Mingjue knows what to look for—that smile, for one. Jin Guangyao props his head up on his elbow and gives him that smile, the one that cuts. “Now, which one were you?”

“Which one?” Nie Mingjue demands. “How many people did you go down on at the Ren Faire last year?”

Jin Guangyao shrugs. “I admit I’m not sure. The party was long, and there was quite a lot of alcohol, if memory serves. And the space behind the smithy tent is very convenient.” His eyes crinkle sweetly. “Why, do you think you were prodigious enough for me to remember? I might, if we go for round two this year. I admit I wasn’t ah, exactly looking at faces. You understand.”

Nie Mingjue feels his face color. “That’s not—” He doesn’t like feeling off-balance, doesn’t like  conversations that aren’t forthright, doesn’t like any of this, but he does, heavens help him, very much like the idea of fucking Jin Guangyao’s mouth again.

“Not… what? Not what you want?” Jin Guangyao asks smoothly before Nie Mingjue can continue to flounder. “Was my performance not to your liking?” His voice is embellished with a hint of wounded disappointment, which Nie Mingjue finds extremely suspect.

“No, it was—” Nie Mingjue can feel his flush darkening as his tongue slips. —excellent, he stops himself from saying. It would appear the man’s tongue is talented in more ways than one.

Nie Minjue wants to hit him, he’s so infuriated.

The gong rings.

Jin Guangyao stands, all smiles once more, and reaches over to stroke Nie Mingjue’s cheek. “It was very nice to meet you properly this time, Mingjue. Perhaps you’ll give me another chance to prove myself later.” He winks, so quickly Nie Mingjue isn’t sure he saw it at all, and then sweeps himself to a new partner.

Nie Mingjue is distracted and irritable for the rest of the event, which is hardly fair to his remaining dates, but he’s agitated and angry and it’s not like he really cared about making connections—he barely remembers to try and figure out who Xichen’s mystery boyfriend is—there’s a nice man with a pleasant personality and a lovely smile that he vaguely wonders about, but the whole time he’s conversing and making nice, he’s thinking about how much he wants to throttle Jin Guangyao. And maybe other things.

It’s very difficult to focus.

When the gong rings out for the last time, Nie Mingjue can’t throw himself out the seat fast enough. Lan Xichen collects everyone’s scorecards (Nie Mingjue’s had a total of one number on it, unsurprisingly), and gives another small speech thanking everyone for their participation and encouraging them to enjoy the rest of what the Faire has to offer. Matchlists are expected to be sent out tomorrow evening at the latest. There’s polite clapping before general dispersal. It doesn’t escape Nie Mingjue’s attention that neither Wei Wuxian nor Lan Wangji are among the crowd. He hopes they’re not sharing blowjobs behind the smithy tent.

Nie Mingjue stalks towards Lan Xichen as the final dregs of the participants trickle out, fully intent on venting his frustration to Lan Xichen’s willing ear, only to see that the subject of his ire is, in fact, already standing beside Lan Xichen. Standing very close beside Lan Xichen.

Nie Mingjue stops dead.

“Mingjue!” Lan Xichen calls, waving him over.

“Him?” Nie Mingjue accuses. The temptation to draw Baxia and point it for extra effect is unreal. He restrains himself, but only just.

Lan Xichen laughs. “I see A’Yao made an impression.”

Jin Guangyao smiles at Lan Xichen, and—the fuck, it’s totally different than the way he smiles at Nie Mingjue! It’s soft and genuine and smitten and overwhelmed all at once, like he can’t believe he’s lucky enough to have this—and it’s not like Nie Mingjue doesn’t agree, because that is, in fact, the only acceptable way to think about Lan Xichen, but then Jin Guangyao turns that smile towards him and it goes all sharp and clever around the edges, and it sets his blood boiling.

“So you’re Mingjue,” Jin Guangyao says. “I thought you must be.”

“I introduced myself,” Nie Mingjue snaps. “It doesn’t take a genius.”

“Oh dear, I really riled you up, didn’t I?” Jin Guangyao laughs. “Forgive me. I couldn’t help it. You just seemed like you’d be a fun tease, and I was right.”

“Your new boyfriend is this little snake?” Nie Mingjue demands.

“Snake?” Lan Xichen repeats, surprised. “A’Yao, what did you do?”

“It was my fault,” Jin Guangyao says with sheepish contrition. “He seemed like such an honorable man, so I pushed a little.”

It isn’t actually Jin Guangyao’s fault—not really. Nie Mingjue was the one caught out unawares by a memory, but Jin Guangyao is really selling this performance to Xichen—to what end, Nie Mingjue couldn’t say. Nie Mingjue wants to drag him away and shove him up against a wall, bite at his lips. He wants him away from Xichen, but not for jealousy. It’s something else.

“I see you still matched with me, though,” Jin Guangyao says, leaning over Lan Xichen’s shoulder to peer at the scorecards.

“A’Yao,” Lan Xichen chastises, moving his arm to cover them. “Don’t pry.”

“Sorry,” Jin Guangyao says, stepping back immediately, and Nie Mingjue can almost believe him. “Old habits.”

“Well, the secret’s already out,” Lan Xichen says with a small huff of chuckle. “I still have to put the rest of these into spreadsheets and crossreference them, so why don’t the two of you go participate in the Faire for a little while? Since you matched and all.”

“I think that would be lovely,” Jin Guangyao says before Nie Mingjue can protest. He smiles beatifically. “We could get… something to eat.” His tongue darts out between his lips.

“I’m having dinner with Xichen,” Nie Mingjue growls.

Jin Guangyao’s smile only grows more wicked. “Just a quickie, then.”

—

* jgy is 100% lying about not remembering nmj because he’s a little shit. he DID give more than one blowjob behind the smithy tent, but just one, and it was lxc :D

* didn’t get around to this, but jgs is definitely the chair of the chinese school and also the reason why it’s so terrible bc it’s hating jgs hours all the time in this house

* all of these characters are part of some larger xianxia RP group that have a presence at the ren faire, and the sects exist kind of nominally as like…. factions?? or something??? vaguely split along the original families that decided to start participating—so meng yao was wearing nie colors, but nmj didn’t recognize him bc he was a new recruit or whatever. don’t ask me. I don’t know what goes on at a ren faire. i’ve been to woefully few in my life :(

(prompt list || other ficlets || ko-fi)