#yeah this post makes me seem like a normal and sane individual. sure ill post it

[realbeefman]

the real reason charden stopped fucking after s1 is because charlie moaned frank’s name during sex once and dennis was so viscerally disturbed by this that he physically couldn’t get hard around charlie for a while

[superludicrouslife]

What First Year was like

First year my friends wasn’t pretty. I’m not going to leave anything out. This post is to warn you of the possible dangers ahead because life can hold just as many terrible things as good. Until you take the university plunge, you’ve most likely been protected by your family and school from the real world, thus giving you an unrealistic view on it, which although enjoyable is dangerous. I’m going to briefly share with you what happened to me in 2016. It wasn’t fabulous but I think it’s important to share because all the things that happen are real and could happen to you. Read this, learn, be careful but also don’t let it stop you from going to university or anything like that. What happened to me is just an example of the dangers and won’t happen to you. Just learn from this, take care and do all that’s in your power to stop it from happening to you, that’s why I am writing this. I am sharing my experiences, so you don’t.

So, having seen my best friend start uni that following year, I’d seen what it could be like. Every situation is different but you can generalise and find similarities. While I was taking a year out, I stayed at hers a few times, experienced the city she was in and had a lovely time, she protected me.

Her flatmates were fun, normal, lovely and hilarious. We were all the same age and had fun cooking food, drinking, dressing up, going out and just generally enjoying our independence for the first time. Fresh from boarding school all i knew was that kind of life and adjusting seemed doable. My first year begun a year later.

The time finally came for me to move into my halls. Nervous as anything (who wouldn’t be) I arrived with an open mind. I mean, why wouldn’t you, don’t expect anything just take it as it comes. So, the first night of freshers week I spent in my room in the dark, my flat, empty my room smelt of paint thinner. Feeling uncomfortable, lonely and scared i told myself desperately that things would improve. my flatmates had yet to move in, it was freshers week bring on the parties. The next day they moved in, the first one a funny looking boy seemed nice, the next was from Greece and we introduced each other. The last one was a girl who seemed nice and there was our flat complete in all its gory.

The night I asked if they had a speaker, they said they did not. No matter, i brought my laptop out of my room and played music, we conversed, got to know eachother and i suggested that we should go out seeing as it was freshers week and thats what everyone else was doing. I contacted my friend from college who was in the accommodation around the corner and we had pre drinks at theirs. The guy from Greece i later found to discover didn’t speak english so I guess he didn’t want to hang out with us, that’s fine he can do what he wants. the other two didn’t seem too keen on going out, the first night the guy went home early and the girl looked like she’d seen a ghost the entire night. I did my best to look after her and delivered her home safely at the end of the night. After inviting them on nights out with my friends in the other accommodation, I gave up, clearly going out wasn’t something they enjoyed. Fair enough that’s fine, I’ll go out with my friends across the road. So that was set for the whole year, little did i know at the time. Perfectly nice people, but they didn’t seem to enjoy socialising at all but preferred watching tv in their rooms. This I didn’t realise was what sent me into a depression.

Now, I’m completely mentally healthy but i do struggle with slight problems with anxiety and OCD which are completely common, most people have these and they've never become out of control, I’m a normal person going about her normal life with some slight ailments, no big deal.

Little did i know that the loneliness could in fact take me down a mental illness pit that i wasn’t going to return from for a while. Social isolation and loneliness MUST be recognised, if not, somebody with a less sane mind than myself could take their own life and i’m sure they have. THIS MUST STOP

If you find yourself in a similar situation, MOVE

i didn’t realise that i could, i did apply but I'm from a family that has a ‘no quit’ attitude. They didn’t LET me say that i was having a bad time. ‘make friends’ they said ‘whats wrong with you’. no. there’s nothing wrong with me, my entire flat wanted nothing to do with anyone and all the other flats had their doors closed 24/7. I was alone, sure i knew them from flat parties and things but once those doors were shut, they were shut. at least those other people had individuals in their flats were wanted to party, have fun and do things like WATCH TV TOGETHER. I had NONE of this i had nothing. What was i supposed to do, go to a club BY MYSELF and just become best friends wtih a ransomer in the smoking area??? each day that i came home from uni, i opened my flat door, got into my stinking paint thinner room and cry, no one was there, no one to talk to, no one to even drink a cup of tea with or watch a movie?? that was ALL i wanted. oh did i forget to mention that the flat door was broken? the building was run down, i was paying ridiculous amounts of money to stay in a crappy accommodation where everything was broken. nobody bothered to lock the door so anyone could come in whenever they wanted, one day i discovered the kettle was gone. sure, my door was locked but any of the stuff in the living room was free for the taking.

What else was crappy, yeah so my bathroom STUNK. It was paint thinner or some kind of chemical who knows, every week my mum would pour shower cleaner down the loo and shower but nothing would stop it. no discount or anything just a year of having to hold my breath every time i went in there. The toilet door had no lock and it would jam shut so i was lucky to get out every time i went to the toilet. there was nowhere to put my toothbrush, there was just a sink so i spent a year dropping all of my belongings into the sink. once, the shower broke so they said i couldn't shower all weekend until the mechanic could fix it on the monday. imagine if i hadn’t made friends with the boy upstairs? I used his shower, but would if i hadn’t met anyone, i only met him through a miracle, he was downstairs having a cigarette.

the lock to my own room was dodgy, it locked me out a few times not to mention if i was locking it from the inside it would half break off your finger if you weren’t careful.

One night i went out with my friends from across the road. these, were normal, funloving people, who i had a great time with. there was a silver lining, finally. however this night one of the girls had a panic attack in the club and needed to go to A and E so i went with her. Getting in at 7am, my phone was out of battery and I’d misplaced my keys. What to do eh? Luckily the security man was patrolling and he let me in. what would i have done if he hadn’t been though? stuck on the streets that’s what.

I had a quick nap and STILL made it to uni. Oh by the way, no one at uni cared that i hadn't had a wink of sleep and i did miss some of the demonstration class, which they did not repeat. Yes, i care about my degree a great deal. anyway there was no way to lock my door or get in and out of the building without my keys so i went to reception and spent £50 on new ones. i later found the keys, which i’d left in another flat, my friend from next door sent me a message. This was about an hour after i’d purchased the new keys so i went down the reception to return them. I then discovered that they were nonrefundable. They’d conveniently failed to tell me this, but apparently it was my fault for not finding out for myself. So i was robbed basically. No matter, i said to myself, a spare key that’s good i can use it next time my room locks me out. can i just say, optimism runs out. Sometimes its good to make light of a situation but when its so awful you're just kidding yourself? stop, its unhealthy because you're convincing yourself that you are ok when you are not and so you won't try to fix what’s wrong.

so my friends from the other accommodation quite uni quite early on. I was left with no one, all but one girl who i owe so much to. she’s fab but i’ll keep her name anonymous. i spent at lot of time out of my disgusting flat at hers and she was fun to go out with, hilarious and gave me some normality. that’s all i wanted, just a small shred of normality that everyone around me was having except me. i had friends at uni and i joined a society but at the end of the day when you get ‘home’ and all there is is silence to greet you it can turn the sanest person mad. i used to put the tv on the pretend there were people.

When it was time for meals I would go to the shop opposite which didn’t sell fresh produce and i had skin reactions to the preservatives in the food. it was at this point that my mum was coming to see me most weekends just to keep me afloat. she would bring me healthy food from home, clean clothes and helped me through it all. If i didn’t have that i don;t know what i would have done. my family doesn’t let you quit, or our entire family and friends would frown upon you if you did so i didn’t have a choice really. i was just the spoilt rich girl who was too stuck up and picky to slum it in a dingy flat that wasn't up to her standard. to them, i just needed to man up, i was being a wimp, ‘it can’t be that bad’ they said. but it was. the loneliness ruined MY LIFE. it took away a year and more and i didn’t even know it. mental illness is dangerous because it creeps up on you, you only become aware of it when it’s bad enough and even then you’re not even sure if it’s there.

by some miracle i didn’t quit, but it came at a price.

my drinking became dangerous, i developed intense social anxiety because i was hanging around with the wrong people. they didn't care about me or know me and i didn’t care about or know them. I would go on nights out where i would drink just vodka by itself, i would wake up in my bed not knowing how i got there. sometimes boys would be in my bed, nothing had happened each time thank goodness because i had been so trashed, and they had taken me home which i have to be thankful for. it was at this point i knew this needed to stop. 

at mealtimes i would microwave a healthy ready meal and would drink a vegetable juice so i was getting healthy intake easily. however every time i went in there, the guy from Greece (still hadn’t got beyond saying hi) would cook meat. the oven was old and so the greasy smoke would fill the room hurting your eyes, i had to run in and out but just being in there was as little as two minutes would render your hair and clothes stinking of the smoke. when we left, we wiped down all the surfaces with wipes as the accommodation instructed us to clean the flat or we would be charged. little did i know it was getting revamped so there was little point of run to do this but anyway, another let down didn't come as a surprise. each wipe would be covered in a black, tar-lied substance. this was the residue from the oven smoke that landed on EVERYTHING. no one bothered to clean the flat apart from my mum and i.

I always made excuses for the Greek guy. i mean, he seemed nice but he didn't seem interested in getting to know me. he would only say hi and i tried on many occasions to get past this but he just took out his phone and pretended to speak to a friend on the other end. he would then play Spanish tunes loudly until 3am every night. 

the blemishes from my reactions to the crappy food from the shop would make my skin swell up and i got cellulitis. i went on antibiotics for my skin but they weren’t helping. i then picked at my face because i was so upset with my life, not knowing what i was doing i then scarred my skin which started the worst attack of dermatillomania i have ever had. I had welts on my chest and my face. my skin became so dry i went to the dermatologist and she gave me a new skin routine. but this didn’t cure my developing OCD. I used to sit in my room and worry and chant and pick which would then make everything worse and i then couldn't bare to shower because i couldn't bare to look at my skin. i would put lotions from the doctor on my skin but this would make it worse because it was sensitive so i would get more spots. i was taking rescue remedy which i had no idea that i was allergic to. this gave me more welts and swollen lumps on my chest-i was spiralling out of control. i would have panic attacks daily, unable to leave my room. the depression set in and i could barely get out of bed. it was at this point i went to the dermatologist again and he suggested i could be depressed. i didn't want anyone near me because i deemed myself disgusting, i would buy dresses that i couldn't wear in vague hopes it would give me incentive to stop picking so i could wear low cut tops and dresses again. 

the year of torture was nearly over and i decided to leave my skin alone, throwing out mirrors, using high quality skin products and just trying to work on myself. my family don’t really understand my condition but i did from my psychology knowledge from a level. i was pretty clued up and was aware of my symptoms, still unable to control them. i learnt that leaving your skin alone is more powerful than picking and i learnt to not look in the mirror when i showered. finally i was healed and it was summer time, i moved out of my stinking halls never to return. i didn’t even say good bye to my flatmates they weren’t even there the whole year.

First year was over. having only made some vague friends, i didn’t feel like anyone liked or cared about me. my OCD had got to the point where my head was so full of chanting i couldn’t think, it affected my work. i am enormously hardworking, always have but my work did suffer, i was suffering. the tutors didn’t seem to notice or care, i ended first year with an average grade, body dysmorphia, extreme anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, depression and dermatillomania. all because of a living situation.

if i could go back and tell myself to MOVE flats i would. if i could go back and get myself HELP i would. my flatmates weren’t mean or malicious, they simply weren’t THERE. PLEASE don’t let this happen to you or your friends or family. check on them regularly, and for goodness sake MOVE if it’s not good enough, i wish i had. there’s a difference between being a wimp and being intelligent. don't stay just because other people tell you you're just being weak, change because of whats best for YOU. Luckily for me I’m sane and so i didn’t try to kill myself or anything like that and never would, but i did get depressed and if someone less fortunate than me had the same situation they may have made an attempt on their own life. It happens all the time and universities need to be AWARE. loneliness is DANGEROUS, spread AWARENESS, SAVE lives

[omnigon]

TBH 90% of this website is juat the blind leading the blind. There’s a critical all time low in actual external source and fact checking for most everyone here, and most of the users are so gullible and non-self-aware that they don’t even fucking know it. So I have to fucking deal with delusional people telling ME (a highly self-aware, mostly grounded individual who hates being wrong so I correct myself continually until I’m right) that I just don’t understand what I’m experiencing. Of course, not after comparing what I experience to their fake experiences (like, explicitly fake, as in, the point is it’s not real) which seems ironic in some way. Like, if you regularly experience incorrect things, why the hell are you telling me my own internal (unknowable to you) experiences are incorrect, just because you compared the two? Even though they’re not comparable. Believing things that are fake, and what I experienced, which YOU think is fake, so it’s comparable in that, in your mind, we both believe things that aren’t real. But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not fucking delusional. I know what my internal states are at all times, and I know how my dissociative disorder works very intricately. You don’t. No one else does. If you’re prone to staunchly believing untrue things, how the hell can YOU trust YOUR internal states? It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. If I’m so incorrect for believing something I experienced is true, and you’re so correct for not modifying your worldview to accompany new information one bit because “science” (that you conveniently never linked to), how the fuck do I know you’re right? I don’t. you don’t, either.

See, people who regurgitate SJ info from their friends are dumb. They need to do some critical thinking and figure out if it ACTUALLY makes sense given the facts. But no one here even knows what the facts fucking are. But if you are going to STRONGLY SAY that XYZ CAN NEVER happen, you need some facts, ASAP. Because if you cannot defend your very, very unstable point of view with OBJECTIVE. FUCKING. FACTS. You do not deserve to hold that point of view. You certainly don’t deserve to tell others that their lived experiences are fucking incorrect. See, I have a habit of being clear-minded, and fact driven. I love the truth, and objectivity. I love it so much, it runs my life to be as REALISTIC and OBJECTIVE as possible. So I think things through, unlike most people on this site. And if I think that something you’re doing seems wrong or sketchy, there’s a reason for it.

So forgive me for being “ableist” here, but I feel like people who are not only delusional, but chronically averse to linking sources are bad places to get info from. Most people on this site are one or the other (usually the latter). Why, after linking me to a supposed “gotcha” post about how since YOU’RE delusional, I shouldn’t trust my own perceptions because sometimes “they’re wrong”. Hm. You know what seems wrong, here? A few things: You’re literally susceptable to strongly and firmly believing untrue things. Red flag for lack of objectivity, even if you can’t help it. You think that I (someone who doesn’t experience that one bit) am misperceiving reality. Fine, if you can prove that my version of reality is impossible through third party sources. But I don’t trust you once you say that you chronically believe untrue things. Another thing is, if I’m “misperceiving” reality, how do I know you aren’t? How do I know your dumb fuckbuddies aren’t? If we’re ALL CRAZY (and we are, they have dissociative disorders just like I do) Why are we talking “science” without checking with the big boys, the REAL authorities? Could it be, perhaps, science doesn’t care what dumb perople on tumblr are fighting about this week? Or, at the very least, the claim you’re making is almost untestable? Hm.

If I’m so unable to perceive what’s going on in my own mind, how come I don’t believe in other fake things? If I believe XYZ can happen in my system and it CAN’T, what else am I believing that’s ‘fake’? The answer is “It doesn’t matter because what I percieve as real is generally just as real as the average person’s perception, if not moreso.” Just because some dumb jackoff on tumblr has made it his retarded hobby to say what’s “real” and what’s “fake” in systems and to fucking circlejerk endlessly in the echo chamber of tumblr’s reblogging system doesn’t mean that I’m misperceiving reality. It means HE is. I’m not the one who circlejerks, I’m not the one stuck in a ‘fake tumblr systems’ echo chamber. I’m not the one who uses the vague authority of the term “science” to hide behind because I can’t actually defend my point of view.

It’s stupid. It’s stupid how offended over this idiot I still am. But I was never able to articulate myself and point out why that person is wrong. But thinking about it, well, he kinda damned himself by telling me he’s delusional. Makes you a lot less credible, and I won’t even trust a normal person’s scierntific claims without evidence. I know what I experience. Yeah, I can combine alters to make a “new” entity who is the sum of their parts, and I can make said entity decombine as well. Yeah, this happens willingly. And I know that’s what it is because they draw themselves. In fact, when we do this, it’s usually to get the entity to draw a picture of themselves. I’ve tried it many times, and one time it turned out horribly. One time it created a monster named “Rape God” who I will not give details about but I will say he lived up to his name. According to retard.tunglr.hell, however, it’s not possible to do this at all, and I must have mistaken it for something else. So when Rape God abused one of my other alters, I guess that must have been something else, too. Hm. 

See how stupid people on this site are, though? They’ll believe they’re right sun up, ‘til sun down, to the point where even when presented with information that contests their claim, instead of being like, “Maybe I was wrong, can you tell me more so we can understand this?” they’re just like “Uhm well, I’m delusional and sometiimes strongly believe things that are wrong so that doesn’t mean that every thing you think is right, duhhhhh” Even though they literally do not know me (I’m not delusional, so) and it’s not an argument. What you think and feel has nothing to do with what I think and feel. If you often misperceive reality, don’t tell ME not to trust MY experiences and senses, based on zero information.

Just... I wish the whole “this is fake, this means a person is faking” thing would stop. Because no one is using real scientific research or thought. Side note: Scientific reasoning does not lead someone to say “that’s fake” just because they’ve been told that. In fact, if you were going to be using REAL scientific reasoning and logic, you would first try to understand what it is. Then you would make DAMN WELL SURE that there’s evidence supporting your claim. Real science doesn’t just say “That can’t happen, it’s impossible.” It tries to figure out whether or not it REALLY IS impossible, and if so, WHY and HOW. You can’t just say “It’s impossible because science says it is” Because that’s not scientific at all. AT ALL. And it’s rude to real science to use it the way you do, as a way to control others behavior and make them out to be fakes.

I’m tired of the whole “XYZ means ur fake!!” BS this website goes on and on about. Just because someone experiences something that’s outside your worldview, doesn’t make it not real. Yes, some people fake. Yes, some people don’t know what they’re actually experiencing and think it’s something it’s not. But not nearly as many as these retards want us to think. MOST people are not fucking lying or mistaken about what their system can and cannot do. Most people’s systems are also wildly different from each other’s. It’s all about your unique brain’s unique reaction to what you had to suffer through. In my system, I get tons of variants. I have Bill Cipher, but also Big Bill Cipher, Magnemite Bill Cipher, Bill Cipher but blue, and probably a billion more. I have 2 or more of several alters, with many permutations. This probably would sound fake to a lot of people. Someone could say it’s “impossible” if they wanted to. But it’s real. I know it is, and no one on fucking tunglr can change the OBJECTIVE TRUTH, no matter how much ideological shilling they try to do.

I know what my system is, what it’s for, and how it works. I also know it’s unique, just like everyone else who’s a system. I also know that there are many systems who experience things I don’t, just like I experience things they don’t. So maybe, instead of pointing to certain things, plugging your ears and screaming “FAKE”, we should all just collectively shut up and deal with REAL fakers when they pop up. Instead of getting some bizarre system IDPOL variant, we should just stop focusing on who’s fake and who’s real. It’s so petty. Who gives a shit? This is literally not something that matters outside tumblr.

Of course, though, I wonder if any of these people are interested in fixing the environmet that leads poeople to fake disorders? Like, maybe if we stopped glorifying mental illnesses and acting like sane, mentally healthy people are the Devil, there wouldn’t BE people pretending to be mentally ill, because there would be no incentive for it. Then the stupid crusade on fakeness would be POINTLESS and you all can get back to your pointless lives. What am I saying, though? IDPOL demands we all be sliced and diced according to minority/majority on so many axes, and this website is stuffed to the gills with IDPOL BS anyway. I’m just saying, if anyone wants my help in stopping the fakers, I’ve given my advice. Stop making it seem desirable to be mentally ill. I know how tempting it would be for “that kind” of person to want to fake dissociative dirorders like this, so if we don’t give them an optimal envirinment, the stupid rules and witchhunts wouldn’t be needed.

I wonder, though, whether these people want it to be that way. It gives them purpose on tumblr to make up rules about who is and isn’t fake and what can and cannot be experienced by a human brain. Now that I think about it, that seems likely. Or, they just don’t understand that their worship of the mentally ill under IDPOL is what’s inadvertantly making this situation the way it is. Or maybe it’s a mix of all those things. This website is a mess, after all, filled with worthless idiots and I bet half of them aren’t even aware that the solution to their problems is “maybe stop focusing on ‘identity’ so much and just take each person as an idividual, on a case-by-case basis”. Because I know how much humans like to collectivise each other (all men, all whites, all NTs, etc etc etc ad nauseum), but IDPOL makes an ideology out of it. IDPOL takes it and canonises it, when we should be doing the opposite, healthy thing: treating people not as a part of a mass, but as individuals.

I don’t think most people here are even capable of breaking of of their echo-chamber-enforced little ideological bubbles. I can. I did it a while ago, and now I’m free. I’m not always right, but I know when I am. I know every human has a unique structure and experience, the ability to adapt as such granted to them by millions of years of natural selection. I know that people like to form groups and distrust those outside the group. I know that 90% of people on tumblr don’t understand any of this. They never get to the next level, the end of the thought-chain. That humans are biased towards themselves and those most like them, so even if they know, logically, on one level their ability to accurately perceive reality is lacking (delusions), they’re going to force it on others no matter what anyway. Even if their claims are unsourced (no links to studies or fucking anything), they’re going to spew it as FACT, because those inside their in-group did the same thing, and the bias in this case is against the out-group (me) so it becomes their “facts” from their friends who are RIGH(tm), against me and my unfacts and my no-group who are WRONG(tm) because it’s IMPOSSIBLE(tm) to be that way, because ooh ooh ah ah my tribe SAYS SO.

People, though we are the most intelligent species on planet Earth, are fucking stupid. I’m stupid. Most people reading this are stupid. But I’m less stupid than people who refuse to engage in actual critical thinking, than people who just listen to their equally stupid Internet buddies as a sole source of scientific fact, than people who choose to remain in their echo-chamber, never daring to see if they’re wrong. I’m not the kind of person who, after making a claim and being presented with evidence that the claim may be less than correct or absolute, will move the goalposts to dismissing the evidence presented. I’m not that fucking stupid.