#yeah this is just depressing and I realize it and I aint changing it

[bo-bo-bean]

Memory Cluster

It hurt.

That’s all Flippy could describe at that moment. He remembered cheering on his neighbor and best friend in a swimming race. He was destined to be the loudest to cheer when he won.

He did find it weird his legs were red, but maybe it was his swimming suit.

Waving the flag, he give his biggest smile to Lumpy. Lumpy put his goggles on and then a gunshot was heard. He remembered it well for some reason. It sounded so familiar, as if he heard it just earlier that day. Then… it went dark.

He didn’t know how long he would have seen the pitch black in his vision, but something happened unfortunate occurred.

A pain so indescribable through his stomach. Something burst from his back and all the way out his belly. His nerves were telling him over and over on how much pain he was in. He assumed it was a pole or something, given that what went through him was thick, cold and hard to the touch. His intestines started to rummage inside him as his body fought back nausea with great intensity.

Was he moving? He could feel some of his insides start to slip out through his back as the blood was beginning to pool through his fingers, down his arms and sleeves, up across his chest, surrounding his neck like a scarf, down his legs, between his toes. Blood everywhere… The metallic smell of it made his now destroyed stomach churn.

Before long, he felt his body shoot down the pole like object, his intestines clinging to it and being forced out. His body became lighter, more chill, more numb… then the true darkness settled in. Finally the pain was gone, but he wished he knew what happened. Or he would… if he wasn’t dead.

“Flippy!���

Something shook his body with a worried pace. Another person seemingly grabbed his ear and shouted in it.

“Flippy, ami!”

He gasped, his eyes opening. On instinct, he put his hands over his stomach but… it was just his fur and flesh. No guts, no foreign object, no pain.

“... what…?” he wheezed. His fur was riddled with sweat, skin clammy and cold, hands shaking. Was he in the hospital? How? How could he survive such a horrible feeling? Eyes darting around, he took in his surroundings slowly. A tent, it seemingly filled with other people in war uniforms in beds all around him. They had no limbs or missing facial features, some having a bloodied blanket covering them. It all seemed… familiar.

The smell was full of death and dirt, the sound of gun shots and screams being heard. Usually, he would lose himself and most of his senses at the sound, but there was no reaction. There was however a response to his death he encountered that he felt he was part of. Even if he was alive and seemingly well, there was still a lingering sensation tugging at his insides.

Pushing someone aside, he fell to the ground, coughing three times before he puked all over the dirt and grass. He felt someone rub his back.

“Get it all out…” they said softly.

His neck felt strained as he took those orders, coughing until he vomited more. Once there was nothing left in his system, he sputtered and panted, trying to get in some air. The person who patted his back stopped and he saw a weathered canteen in front of his vision. Greedily, he took it, poured some water in his mouth, sloshed it around and spat it out before going in for a sip to swallow.

“Are you okay?” a second voice asked. They were the same voice who shouted in his ear.

“Y-yeah,” he nodded, staying on his hands and knees. “I think so…”

“Jesus, you had us scared…”

They both helped him up, Flippy now looking up to see who assisted him. However… he instantly felt as if he would puke again, scream, and faint all in that order. Seeing this, the two put him back on the bed. “You’re pale as pearls…! Don’t you remember us?”

“Monsieur, you look as if you see a ghost…”

“It’s us… Sneaky and Mouse KaBoom.”

He couldn’t believe his ears. His eyes, they can trick him, but his own ears? They wouldn’t lie to him. They’ve been trained to hear the smallest of noises. Now he knew they were both telling the truth.

“... no,” he shook his head. “No… it cant’ be… it… can’t…”

The chameleon started to look worried, taking the seat next to him.

“Heh, you must’ve hit your head really hard.”

“Are you having more nausea?” Mouse asked, noticing Flippy clutching his stomach.

“Y-yeah let’s not entice it,” Sneaky offered, taking his hand gently. He put Flippy’s hand to his side. “You okay?”

He wanted to pass out. Wake up and be back to… wherever he was. Where was he before? He only knew where he is now; he was back in the war. Back before the operation that changed his life forever, that caused so many blackouts, waking up to massacres. That’s ALL he remembered; the blood and organs flying on blacktops and parking lots as if they were only graffiti. Him showering with a widened drain to clean off the bits of brain, watching the water at his feet turn red. But all of those visions seem to fade more and more until he could barely even think of the faces, if they had any.

Noticing their reaction to his silence, he took a deep breath in to get his heart beating again. Should he tell them? Or was it a bad dream? A horrifying, terrible, awful bad dream. No, a dream shouldn’t last that long and have faces that came again and again.

“How long was I out?” he decided to inquire.

“Just an hour,” Sneaky answered. “You ran into a snare trap and smacked your head on a tree.”

“There’s a bump right here,” Mouse told him, touching a spot on the back of his head. He winced at it being touched, then he heard a smack.

“Don’t touch it!” Sneaky chastised.

“It can’t just be an hour…” he whimpered. “That was so much longer than an hour… It had to be a coma…! Or an awful memory, but… it’s impossible because you’re right here… That… you are here. You’re right next to me, not… what happened…?”

“You’re… not making any sense,” Mouse hesitantly stated the obvious.

“Had a bad dream?” Sneaky wondered.

“Heh, I remember having those… aaahh mémoires…”

“I don’t even know if I can even call it a bad dream,” he shook his head. “It’s more like a nightmare of… something. I just remember-”

“Sneaky! Mouse KaBoom!” a voice boomed. The tent flap opened, revealing a rhino commander. He walked in, Sneaky and Mouse standing up and saluting.

“Sir!” they both greeted.

“How’s Private Flippy?”

“Private…?” The rank brought fear for some reason. Something about that word made his blood run cold, but what could it be?

“I think he’s having some memory issues, sir,” Mouse explained. “He woke up, puked and when he heard our names, he turned pale.”

“He was also clutching his stomach an awful lot.”

The rhino nodded. “At ease,” he commanded. They took their seats next to each side of the bear as he bent down in front of Flippy. “What is your name?”

“P… private… Flippy,” he answered. He glanced over to his shoulders, seeing one arrow, not three. … why would he expect three? He wasn’t a commander, was he?

“Where are you?”

Flippy was stuck on that one. He glanced around, seeing the beds, a shelf of medical supplies, medics rushing back and forth, carrying various tools or limbs.

“I think a medical tent.”

“You ARE in a medical tent,” he nodded. “Who are these two by you?”

“Sneaky and… Mouse KaBoom,” he looked at the two on either side.

“Good. And what war are we in?”

“War…?” his eyes widened in shock. Why was that so disturbing? Why did he feel absolute fear? Was he new? No… if he was new, he wouldn’t be a private, but a rookie. That meant he passed training.

“Yes,” he slowly said. “You’re in a war; the Tree Town Battle. Jesus, you weren’t kidding when you said he became pale.” He felt his forehead. “... well you’re cold. I suggest you have bed rest until tomorrow, I’ll ask you the same questions again. Sneaky, get some extra rations and water. Mouse, keep an eye on him.”

“Yes, sir,” they answered in unison.

Sneaky and the rhino went out as Mouse propped up Flippy’s legs on the cot.

“Aaand… there. You… look pretty terrible,” he chuckled. When he didn’t laugh back, he frowned and hopped up on the end. “What’s going on in your head?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I think I’m trying to put the pieces together, but none of them fit or they change entirely.”

“Well explain it to me,” he offered.

“I… don’t think I can…” his ears flattened. “Even if I could, I don’t even know if I want to hear myself say it.”

“Just try,” he urged. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Heh… famous last words,” he grinned a little. Seeing his humor staying, Mouse beamed back and then gave a stance to show he was listening. “... I feel like I woke up from a coma. I think I was doing… something. Maybe important, but then it all went black. I got this intense pain in my stomach, like my insides being pulled out slowly, but I didn’t see anything. But… there was something before…”

“Something?” he wondered.

“Well… a lot of things,” Flippy admitted. “But what was weird was you two… I feel like you two shouldn’t be here.”

“Very rude, continue,” he humored.

“I think… you should be dead.”

That made the rodent silent. He stared at Flippy and then scooted back from him a bit, reaching in his pocket. “N-no no! It’s not a threat. I had a dream you guys… died, I think.”

“Aah I see,” he sighed out, relieved. “So, do you remember how I died?”

Flippy scoured his mind, trying to remember. There was a reason why they died… There was a knife… a pizza for some reason… he threw the knife… didn’t he? No, he didn’t, not at first. The second time, he did… but at…

“Sneaky…” his eyes were now pin stricken pupils.

“... Sneaky killed me?” he crossed his arms. “If this is because I stole his rations, that is not fair.”

“No, he didn’t… I think…there was pizza and… a knife?” he looked at his paws. They were clean, but a vision wiped across his view. They were covered in blood, he had a spine and a pair of ribs… and then his hands were gone, with only sharpened bones taking their place. “No… I didn’t…”

“You… didn’t what?”

What should have been fear turned to distress and then agony. He saw drops of salt water fall before his vision blurred and turned hot, as well as his cheeks and ears. “F-Flippy…! Y-you’re crying…?”

He felt a lump in his throat start to suffocate his airway. He shakily gulped in air and let it out in a whimper.

“... I’m sorry,” he exhaled. “I… I had it for a second…”

“It’s okay…!” the rodent scooted back towards him and took his paw, holding it and caressing the top of it with his thumb. “You’re feeling sick, I think is all. Once you get some food, you’ll be juste comme la pluie…”

Any memories he had before seemed to vanish in that instant. Maybe it WAS just an awful dream. One that was too unfair for his head, but at least now he was awake. He would be okay, maybe.

Sneaky came back with an MRE pack and a fresh canteen.

“Here, I got your favorite,” he gave the pack and water to Flippy. “Lentils in masala sauce. I was even able to heat it up for you in secret, so shush.”

“Thanks,” he tore open the pack, taking the spoon that was taped to the side and dug in.

“He all good?” the reptile asked the rodent. Mouse nodded.

“Bad dream,” he explained.

“Don’t say it like that,” Flippy chuckled, his mouth full a bit. He swallowed, happy to have his recently emptied belly becoming full of something. “You make me sound like I’m a wimp.”

“Ehh you are a bit,” Sneaky snorted, patting his head. “But thanks to your wimpiness, Mouse and I are excused from patrol to make sure you’re okay. So I suppose we owe you one.”

“Oui!” Mouse cheered. Immediately, he dug into his pocket and pulled out some cards. “Gin rummy?”

“Deal me in…!” Sneaky boasted, getting on his knees. “Winner gets dessert for the week.”

“Haha, I’ll take that action! Flippy?”

“Be prepared to lose, fellas,” he finished his bagged meal.

As Mouse dealt the cards out, Sneaky looked at Flippy.

“So… how do you feel about our mission coming up?”

“What mission?” Flippy wondered.

“Against General Tiger,” he responded. “We’re gonna try out your plan with the pizza and knife?”

“Oh, he was just talking about that…!” Mouse gasped. “Looks like you didn’t lose any important memories…!”

Something should have clicked. Something should have given off warning bells, opened up, anything. But Flippy only smiled, forgetting his dream entirely.

“I guess not…!”

[ohleander]

9.28.24

The melancholia has settled into my chest again, and I'm noticing it bigtime today but I realize its been settled in for a while. It feels as though its never left and I've just been ignoring it. Thoughts and feelings have been swirling in me today but its all been like tv static.. fuzz.. I've spent most of the day dissociating in order to get the day done, but I dont feel happy or satisfied with myself. I'm trying to be nice to myself, but I'm wondering how much allowing I should be doing.. when do I be stern with myself? I've been trying to learn to sit with my feelings, validate them, not try to change them, but the cycles feel repetitive and tiring.. how do I make things better? I've certainly been speaking nonsense lately.. I've certainly spun a lot of tales in order to communicate and process my needs and feelings. I'm just.. not satisfied with myself.. do I try to convince myself otherwise? Do I say "yeah" and just do better? Always trying to pull myself out of it. I've been feeling the agonies lately... my hearts been hurting a lot, processing my feelings about relationship, situationships, my relationship with dad. I find it very hard to do anything but sleep lately. I've been doing my fair share of bedrotting.. I really wish I could do better. I'm not so sure my brain is right. I know I go through cycles of feeling very good and capable and well adjusted and overall, I look at my life and things look really great on paper.. it makes me just feel dramatic. But I am still struggling very hard with depression and feelings of helplessness, disconnectedness, loneliness. Its hard to feel validated with anything.. perhaps I've simply not been doing my best work. Its wild, things feel fine for a while and the suddenly they're not. Suddenly it feels like I've tricked myself into those good feels and "ahh I should've never have trusted those good feels, I knew they were fake" I'm struggling a lot with my work relationships.. feeling kind of chaotic.. I'm pretty tired of always being in charge of everything. It was not my intention, things just kinds worked out this way.. I cant help but think I'm not the greatest person to be around. Being the boss all the time means that theres boundaries.. its hard to feel comfortable with others when they only see you as someone in charge at the end of the day.. middle management aint for the weak and it is rotten work at the same time.

I dunno, I'm just feeling sooo fucking much right now and I dont feel like I can even talk to anyone. My brain tells me "no its inappropriate" to nearly everything. I'm not sure why this feeling rings so deeply within me. "inappropriate" everything feels "inappropriate" no matter what it is, its always ringing in the back of my head. Its something i fear being, but as a precaution.. I think I'm still working through internalized shame.. Again, as always, it harkens back to childhood.. ye old tale of neglect. I see myself repeating the same cycles of defeat, anger, resentment, as he expressed back when I was a child. He would come home with such a short fuse, not interested in anything I had to offer, but damn if he wasnt dutiful about it all. He made sure my necessities were taken care of but by golly, the emotional support was not there. I never ever had a safe space to feel my feelings, aside from my own room, by myself. I was always so isolated from other kids.. its always been this way. I still feel the exact same as I did as a kid, nothing has changed. I dont feel like I've raised myself past then.. and to be quite honest, Its not always easy to want to be alive, in the sense that I am so tired of seeing my own cycles and I am too ashamed to ask for the help I need because I dont know how to talk about it. I dont know how to express what I need and so I dont.. because people will assume, and I will say "yes that helps me" just to please them. Its a stupid human cycle and I've been at the absolute mercy of my own vicious cycles lately.

LA

[las-tortugas-ninja]

ok im gonna drop my character analysis on splinter/lou jitsu because im tired of people hating on him.

lets think about the circumstances he was in for moment. image you spent your life as a kickass action star only to get kidnapped by the person you loved and forced to fight in the battle nexus. you have to go through the grief of being betrayed by someone you shouldve been able to trust while now living in a chamber (which looks like it has just the poorest living conditions) and you have zero contact to the outside world, AND your ex who got you into this mess is using you for profit and throws you into fights you have no say in for peoples entertainment for who knows how long! i dont think its ever been stated how long he has been living like that!

now on top of all that imagine the moment you escape you get turned into a fucking rat. now i know its usually joked about but seriously being a rat does seem to really bother splinter and if you think about for like 5 seconds? yeah? why wouldnt it? he basically had his body changed in ways he did not consent to.

so yeah obviously after all that this guy is mentally ill as fuck and i bring all this up because of course it affects his parenting. imagine going through all that and now you have to be a dad to FOUR children (all of which are babies at this time) that you understand none of the biology of, and you have to raise them with ZERO outside support (seriously why doesnt anyone talk about that. what does he do if he needs someone to babysit them or one of them gets sick cause he aint a docter) all this combined makes me think yeah. ofc hes not gonna do a good fucking job.

and when the boys are teenagers and dont need the 24/7 supervision they did as babies. you see splinter spending a lot of his time watching tv melting into the recliner because * drum roll * he is depressed. i do not think he is lazy i think he is depressed and probably traumatized but he never had time to process that trauma because he had to be a dad.

because he spends so much time sulking in the living room his sons (specifically donnie) feel like he doesnt want to spend time with them and are reasonably upset with him.

so in the 22nd episode of the first season when splinter tricks donnie into entering the demolition derby. that was an eye opener for him to be better. he saw the absolute hurt in donnie’s eyes and tone of voice because he thought he wanted to spend time with him. that was the eye opener he needed to realize “oh shit. i really fucked up. i need to spend time with my sons. i need to be better for them.” and he apologizes to donnie because yeah, what he did wasnt okay.

and you can tell he changed for his sons because in “hidden city’s most wanted” you can tell all he wanted to do was spend time with mikey.

and the thing is there is nothing that can convince me his sons (and april to admitably) dont mean the fucking world to him. when draxum tells him that before him he had no purpose, that he was a husk of a man he says hes not lost anymore because he has his sons. his sons were the first thing he thought of when he needed a reason to why his life didnt fucking suck now.

this man went against the hamato clan teachings and almost got all of humanity killed for the sake of his sons. he loves his sons and he hasnt been great to them and he wants to change because he knows they deserve better. there is literally so much love emanating from this family.

a lot of people say that splinter is abusive/neglectful and im not denying that hes not perfect but jesus you can criticize his parenting without treating him like an irredeemable monster (because he is redeemable and he did change for the better)

also i know yall arent gonna wanna hear this but someones gotta say it cause its the truth: in general people will be harder on ethnic parents and treat them less like actual people capable of making mistakes. yes splinter is a rat but he is still ethnically japanese. he is a person of color and as someone whos been in fandom for awhile yeah people are suspiciously a lot more forgiving to white parents who make mistakes compared to when parents of color make them. i really do think its causing a bias.

[tottymatsuno]

For the character thing: Chibita!

WE LOVE HER! Oh there's SO much to be said, I should def post about Chibita more.

favorite thing about them

I actually starting thinking about this during my shower and I've been trying to organize my thoughts on exactly what aspect of Chibita is my favorite! I think it's that you can tell Chibita isn't in arrested development, he's grown so much since his childhood and he's partially through a healthy recovery without any real external praise, motivation or recognition.

All of the characters, Chibita's friends, his parent, his role models...All of them have these very clear cut narratives. If you knew Osomatsu in high school, you'd know he'd be like that. The following five brothers are pretty understandably different but you can still follow the connection to how they got where they are and they haven't changed or became anyone significant despite the ability to. if you knew Totoko in grade school you wouldn't be surprised she turned out that way, Iyami had been conning and scheming for years before Chibita was born and like 15 years later he aint stopped. You could see that clearly. Hatabou is simply rich now but is the same character, as is Dekapan and Dayon.

All of them you can see and go "Yeah sounds about right" except for Chibita? Chibita has become a legitimate business owner and the only reason why his business isn't thriving is specifically because of his attachments to people who don't mean him any good! The Matsunos don't pay him, Iyami is just as willing to scam Chibita as he is anyone else, his cart is always filled to the top with people who take and do not exchange anything for the time, labor and cost of ingredients but then come back to take more!

And Chibita is paying for it! He's paying to feed people who never fed him once! He loves his friends and thinks of them almost like family! He stands there for hours, cooks, listens to them bitch and then he serves them food and drink KNOWING they dont respect him and will not pay him! I think after the Karamatsu incident he lost all hope for actually being paid-paid and like Matsuyo he only cycles unpredictably if he's going to ask anything from them.

I like Chibita because he's loyal in that way, Chibita is an orphan and it's clear that he never found stable housing as a child but he still worked tooth and nail to get a stable home, to open a business, to go to culinary school. The flower fairy episode was so important for season 1 because it quickly establishes that Oden is a crutch for Chibita and that Chibita would view someone treating him with genuine kindess very skeptically and once he realized that it was legitimate Chibita would suffer immensely if that connection is lost.

I just really like him?! Like he was this chaotic small child who only really could depend on himself and he grew up to be this compassionate person who is pretty much a pillar in his small community of fuck ups. Chibita really needs more acknowledgement of what he does and more episodes where people are nice and respectful towards him.

Another thing is he's an enabler, and I know that sounds bad but I enjoy the fact that Chibita is only suffering as long as he feels obligated to. Chibita can get outta this at any time. He can set boundaries, he has options but he knows his friends and Iyami aren't ready. He's staying down with them until they can pick themselves back up. We've seen what happens to Iyami and what Iyami will eat/do without Chibita's active support, and while Iyami won't die or anything it must be depressing for his son to see his father won't get better. Chibita is an enabler in the same sense weening someone from an addiction is. We really need to respect that of him more.

least favorite thing about them

idk why the show made him shit his pants that one time. that was so gross and ooc. disrespectful.

favorite line

THIS WHOLE SKIT BUT THIS SCENE IN SPECIFIC! I think this skit is pretty good at identifying Chibita's core role in Ososan! He can fit in with the other's modern updates but he's still clearly a product of the past in his behaviors and gags. Iyami acknowledges that Chibita is much younger, much more relatable and has way more in common with these young adults - because Chibita is a young adult!

And Chibita in order to pacify his suicidal father figure just lists these qualities in order to commiserate with Iyami. That's all he's known, Chibita was raised with the dogs and he hasn't known a life without fleas! It makes me so sad because you can tell from these little hints throughout the series that Chibita has dealt with Iyami and this enmeshment between the two. Since Osokun Chibita has been in this role reversal where he is either Iyami's direct equal, or even takes care of this grown man who should in theory be insuring his safety.

Iyami's all he has and Chibita isn't willing to let him go. Chibita is all Iyami has and same can be said for him! They're a father and child and both of them care for each other so much despite it doing no good for either of them. Multiple times in Osomatsu-san Chibita has hinted that Iyami is refusing his kindness and idk idk. makes me wanna cry. Chibita's stuck parenting his parent. It's very depressing, Chibita puts himself down in order to reclaim this space as Iyami's equal and his partner in crime. Someone that will get fleas with him, someone who will starve and suffer with Iyami. idk!!!!

brOTP

Chibita and most of the brothers, him and Iyami being father and son, his friendship with Nyaa and Totoko

OTP

Karabita, Chibita/Flower Fairy, Osobita, Chibita being a part time member of the Wifeys for Life polycule, Chibou (is that the ship name?)

nOTP

Chibita and Iyami kys <3 Chibita involved romantically/sexually with any of the geezer characters. Die.

random headcanon

Because his business if often in the red (bc he loves his friends too much) Chibita relies off of a lot of the poverty tactics in order not to cut on the quality for his oden ingredients.

unpopular opinion

This is a weird thing to try and articulate but there needs to be more nostalgia in the content people make for him? More of a dreamy/nightmarish vague sense people need to extend towards adult Chibita as well? And to acknowledge further beyond his adolescence that he dealt with trauma? I guess what I'm trying to say is we need to associate Chibita with less of anger and more of a nostalgia dissociation? Like a daydream thats gone on much too long

song i associate with them

For literally NO reason at all but

favorite picture of them

SO CUTE!

[trashcatsnark]

Cyberpunk 2077 Spoilers and just opinions on how everyone in game is just way too nice to johnny given his personality in my opinion

Okay I know I just made a post about how I would have loved if Smasher didn't remember who the fuck Johnny is. But I also just generally wish people in the game gave less of a shit about Johnny.

Which I get sounds mean, but I'm going somewhere with this.

Johnny's arc is based around him realizing that his selfishness and cruelty got him nowhere, then deciding to change for the better, to right his wrongs before he's wiped from V's mind. He's meant to be a selfish, violent asshole who's obsessed with changing the world, but until now was never willing to change himself. It's actually very interesting to me that he has this conflict of ideas where he preaches about external change but is so stuck on the idea of remaining true to himself that he refuses to do any internal changing; saying he wants to world and the people in it to change when he speaks about the fan, but until the grave scene any notion that he's changing in the slightest is met with dismissal and disgust. And his turning point culminates at that grave scene where he realizes all his behavior got him was an unmarked shallow grave in an oil field. He's forced to confront that he didn't leave behind the legacy, the memory, that he thought he would.

But...the issue is, that's not really true. Johnny is suppose to be having this realization that no one fucking liked him, no one could stand him, that no one remembers or cares that his asshole self is gone.

However, other than the grave scene, we don't actually see any evidence of that. And even the grave scene is undercut with the fact that, part of Johnny's sorrow is seeing that no one is mourned him. No headstone, no marker, no memorial.

BUT HE HAS A NICHE IN THE COLUMBARIAN, RIGHT NEXT TO ALT!!!! It's just under his birth name, (though i do have a theory regarding that that could explain it, but thats a post for another day or in twenty minutes when i decide no, I can't be quiet) And he never comments on the columbarian niche.

Culturally, his music and Samurai is still extremely well known. Hell, his music gets played more than Kerry's and Kerry is a current artist. He's got fans who are still dedicated to him and his career. There's graffiti asking where he is. People still wear Samurai merch, there's pants with his face on them.

Even the people he hurt; don't really seem that bummed out or like they hate him. Rogue calls him a bastard, leaves him during the date, and gets mad if he ends up in V's body permanently. But, overall, she falls right back into her 2013-2023 habits. Johnny says with a cocky attitude in Tom's Diner, that she'll dance to any tune he sings her. And she does. Drops everything to go after Smasher once Johnny shows up, "Johnny being back changes things.", gives V a replica of his jacket, asks V if he talks about her, and depending on the ending even dies for him. Doesn't matter that Johnny was a cheating bastard, she still jumps when he calls even fifty some years later.

Kerry gets mad at first and then is just happy his friend is back in some way/shape/or form. Time to get the band back together!!!! And I get that he's depressed to the max, so I can totally understand why he's just happy to have something. But, we don't really see any of Johnny's shitty behavior being addressed beyond initial anger and yeahhhh johnny's an asshole.

Him being a dick is treated more like a quirky personality trait at times, like oh that johnny with his devastatingly cruel words and tendency to put everyone around him in danger, aint he a rascal.

Even AI Alt who at first is blaming Johnny for her death with basically very little reason to change her mind, ends up admitting that to at least a degree she still cares about him. That she wouldn't have even considered helping V if not for him.

So, why the hell does Johnny really feel like he has to change, other than V who's still hurt and holding him accountable to some degree. Rogue still fifty years later came running when he called. Still has fans who see him as an anarchy legend. His music is still beloved. Sure Arasaka threw him out without another thought, but that's Arasaka.

Like, to me it would have been so much more impactful. If yeah, okay he still has some fans who think he's awesome, like the vinyl seller. His music is even still a big hit on classic stations. But the people who knew him, who were hurt by his shitty fucking personality, want nothing to do with him when they realize he's back.

I would have loved if Rogue had just told Johnny to fuck off at first. As much as I love the scene of Rogue being in the room after Johnny's bender. Give me V waking up alone, pissed at Johnny's bender and asking what the fuck he has to show for it. Because all Rogue did when she realized it was him; was throw a punch and tell him to never fucking talk to her again, that she's done with his shit and has been for over fifty years. And now Johnny is hit with Rogue and V both hating his guts at the same time. Give me V who's determined even though Johnny fucked up his promise, they won't fuck up theirs. So, they decide to talk to Rogue, maybe at first they're not even allowed in the Afterlife. Rogue telling him not to let V through unless Rogue has a chance to see them, to check to see if it's really V or Johnny. Because Rogue doesn't want Johnny near her. V having to talk to Rogue and just say, I get it, you hate Johnny and have every right to. Not my favorite person either. But I promised I'd help him axe Smasher, if you're willing to help at all, I'd appreciate it. If not, I understand too. And Rogue having to decide she wants to kill Smasher more than she wants to avoid Johnny, but V better keep him on a tight leash.

Like, i think that alone, actually seeing that yes, when you treat people like shit. They don't want you around, would have been much more pivotal and impactful in his decision to change and let him have to fight harder for it, have to beg V to beg on his behalf.

V having to beg Rogue to agree to the date, he's trying to change, seriously. Just one try and if he's the same dick weasel he was before, beat the shit out of him. Rogue being really fucking resistant, trying to explain to V, this is what he does.. don't let him manipulate you kid.

Just shit like that, him having to beg Kerry to give him a chance to do the reunion show, that it'd be good for both of em. Just god, I want Johnny to more clearly feel the consequences of his actions. Rather than everyone just being like, yeah he's a butthole, but Johnny's just sort of like that and I'd still die for him. Everyone's a Johnny simp and mood, but also, THAT DOESNT LEND ITSELF WELL TO HIM ACTUALLY CHANGING HIS BEHAVIOR

[naw-naw-honeyimgood]

ChengQing (lmao never realized that was their fucking ship name)

so pros of (Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing):

one of the few possible het ships available to mdzs fans like there are all of five named female characters and this is the only one not in an established het pairing. and like sure ive seen yanli w/ someone else a couple times but you CANT put her with JIANG CHENG and i cant say ive ever seen mianmian in a serious relationship in fics with anyone besides either her canon hubby or a chick (usually yanli, wen qing herself, or even sometimes both lmao).

it’s basically written itself in cql!! he has a very obv and clear crush on her, even gives her a comb and offers to help her! she seems interested but the way the storyline went it was simply not meant to be :’(

you get to pair off jiang cheng!! ngl once u finish mdzs its kinda sad for everyone not wangxian (in their generation/above) cuz theyre the only one that get a happy ending. Everyone else is forever alone / depressed / bitter or a combination thereof. so it’s nice to see jiang cheng getting a happy ending!

he... gets... kids...? like ngl as a childless person that is happy to stay that way thats not exactly a pro in my eyes but you might look at his relationship w/ jin ling and say “he’s a great father! he deserves to be a father!” which okay good news! wen qing can bear children!

Now. Cons. 

for one thing the fact that you have a lack of options doesnt exactly mean every possible het pairing can have good chemistry even if you change circumstances enough. there comes to a point where certain pairings can only be really viable if one or both of them are ooc.

lets be honest im willing to bet that AT LEAST 80% of the reason cql introduced this ship was because they were not allowed to make the wangxian pair explicitly Together (and i dont even mean anything specifically sexual), and they needed SOME SORT of romance to feature in the story. xuanli doesnt count because theyre an established background ship,  the jiang parents dont count as romance, we aint talkin about the villain relationships, and lbr, mianmian already had a lot more signif in cql than mdzs. so it makes sense that they took the arguably most important male chara besides wangxian and made him have a crush on the most important female character that wasnt his SISTER. 

what im trying to say is that cql pulled that pairing out of a hat. if you look at canon at ALL i highly doubt there would ever have been feelings, just as there never were. we dont quite know the age dif but we know that wen qing was the older sister and wen ning might have been a bit younger? than the boys? cannot quite remember but we dont know if she was only a year or two older or if it was like. mingjue and huaisang. we dont know! and i canNOT see jiang cheng going for an older chick. also their personalities would clash So Much. she has older sis vibes and not the gentle kind like yanli. she snaps at wen ning’s mumbling and stuff a good couple times- you think she’d tolerate jiang cheng’s emotional immaturity? hah. 

this also kinda segues into my main point of: as depressing as it is that jiang cheng is forever alone unless you pair him off... he would honestly put whoever you pair him off with through hell. he’s not nice. so many jiang cheng stans like to argue that he’s a traumatized kid that was raised to channel his emotions through anger (and raises bitterness under his skin like an ugly puppy) but inside he has a heart of gold, and they’re... not exactly wrong! i mean- literally every younger chara is traumatized in some way. but... that doesn’t really... excuse the shit he’s pulled? as much as jiang cheng stans like to forget: jin guangyao was RIGHT when he said that jiang cheng’s insecurities got wei ying killed. his CLOSEST ALLY. 

tying back to wen qing we have their actual CANON interactions (or lack thereof). wen qing didn’t exactly protect wei ying and jiang cheng out of the goodness of her heart when lotus pier fell: she was protecting wen ning (her BROTHER) from the repercussions of his own actions by saving wei ying (and Jiang Cheng ig idk he was just there bUT YOUNG MASTER WEI-)

not QUITE sure why she agreed to doing the golden core transfer (maybe scientific curiousity? i mean she had an unproven medical theory and here was a volunteer) but it def wasnt For Jiang Cheng.

and then the next time she saw him? do you guys remember the next time she saw him? it’ was when jiang cheng came up to the burial mounds to kill wen ning’s corpse and tell wei ying to turn over the wens. 

KEEP IN MIND that jiang cheng KNOWS wen ning and qing SAVED HIS FUCKING ASS after lotus pier (not How but he KNOWS THIS) and yet he still tells wei ying to hand them over.

he makes wei ying choose between what amounts to the cultivation world and his morals. 

that does not a good healthy relationship make. also again their personalities would clash like so bad. i love wen qing way more but you have to admit her personality is super similar to madame yu’s. and we already agreed that jiang cheng was traumatized as a kid. im not saying fengmian didnt have a hand in it but you gotta admit a good amount was madam yu and her insecurites and accusations she piled on her son. and you wanna pair him up romantically with someone who won’t take his shit and smile? will call him out? HAH.

im not saying this because i think jiang cheng should be with a softer personalitied (guy) like lan xichen or wen ning or huaisang because god knows those pairings have their own issues. im just saying that in canon-verse all i can ship whole-heartedly is jiang cheng / therapy, but since there is not therapy in canon-verse, or even if there WAS then there’s no way he’d admit to needing it, then yeah he can stay single for all his bitter life. better that than making jiang parent relationship 2.0 like fuck.

(this of course means that in modern aus where he DOES get therapy i am Open)

also real quick but jiang cheng was NOT a good parent to jin ling and i will not take constructive criticism like sure he was better than the jiang parents and the lan parents but that is SUCH a low fuckin bar and it’s a fact that in chapter 9 jin ling literally thinks “if I can’t slice off her head with this blow, I will die here- death it is then!!” (taken gratefully from the exiled rebels scanlation) and that is NOT a healthy-minded child.

the only healthy minded children is like. jingyi. and probably sizhui. although i am not here for the way the lan sect raise children but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

also i want you to look me in the eye and tell me that wen qing could and would do anything besides throw down with someone that so much as looked at her brother wrong

because jiang cheng apparently decided to lay the blame for jin zixuan’s death at wen ning’s feet (which is incredibly ironic considering he blames wei ying for yanli’s death??? like i feel like he could stand to use his brain cells a bit more??) and repeatedly tried to kill him.

[derpyslurpy-da-derp-master]

the eternal struggle between ‘people are allowed to be there for each other without it being romantic’ and ‘but also that was kinda gay’ is just the worst part of being a shipper my god I’ve been sitting here for many a volume pointing at Weiss and Ruby going ‘BOI THERE AINT NO HETEROSEXUAL EXPLANATION HERE PAL’ but then in recent volumes Ruby got pushed a bit more towards Oscar (briefly) and Penny and now I’m just sitting here with my head in my hands and very confused because all of the signs are there, they follow all the patterns of the other cannon ships (being teammates at Beacon, sharing color schemes more often than not with splashes of the others color thrown in for good measure (such as Weiss constantly having red as an accent color and Ruby’s clothes excluding V1 having splashes of white), very closely and directly tied in both of their growth as characters and people, bring out the best in each other, have a specific ‘look’ for each other like Weiss’ ‘I love Ruby’ smile she did all of V6, copy each others mannerisms (Weiss’s trademark ‘WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!’ was first said by Ruby in Volume 1 and she parroted it since then), It’s all there, it just...

God I’m tired. I’m so tired, especially because, well, this ship means something to me, personally, because it’s a story I’m very familiar with, falling in love with your best friend... My two serious crushes were both on my best friends at the time, and I relate a lot to the characters themselves. Weiss’ story is the reason I realized that I myself was in an abusive relationship with my own father and that I needed to break away from that. Ruby’s mannerisms, stubborn belief that people are inherently good, and incredibly unhealthy amount of repression due to having an Atlas Personality are things that I relate to a lot and seeing it on screen made me a lot more aware of those things and how I needed to (and still do) need to change to keep myself more emotionally stable. 

I don’t know, I’ve just, kinda been sitting here wanting to believe that perhaps being in love with your best friend can work out, even if you’re both kind of damaged people, that fairytale can come true, even if only in fiction. And I thought that’s what was going to happen, that’s why I got so invested in it, why I’ve sat reading and writing Whiterose stories, looking at and creating art, rambling, theorizing... 

And that’s just, kind of all gone down the drain. It might be because I’m already at a pretty low point (one of the best friends I mentioned cut me off three weeks ago because she just needs a break from people in general and I’m still an absolute depressed mess over it and also I’m quarantined rn cause my dad has Covid) but I just don’t really have the energy anymore, you know? And don’t get me wrong, Nuts and Dolts is cute, Rosegarden is (as long as Oz gets voted out of the Oscar tribe otherwise no) cute too, I’m not saying that there’s a problem with that. Honestly, this is probably on me for investing my own feelings and hope into this. I didn’t really have a reason to write this other than getting my thoughts out there... I just hope that Volume 8 continues the trend of being a lot better than Volume 7, last episode was amazing and I hope it keeps going uphill from here.

So

Yeah

Thanks for coming to my Tedtalk...?

[missfinefeather]

Link: https://youtu.be/89P6uir40ZI

Ah! Yang! a Character who really couldn’t get a break this volume!

Her power moments keep getting upstaged!

0:00 - Did you really begin your song by announcing it’s starting?

0:04 - Is she, talking about her mother? How she spiraled downward after learning her dad didn’t give a flying crap about them?

0:43 - Okay 0.0; Not sure how this is attached to Weiss this volume. I mean, she got out of a crappy place because it was crappy, then got out of another crappy place. I guess she lost the comfort of her kind butler, but outside that she only really lost bad things.

Reuniting with team RWBY was the best thing that could have happened to her.

So, i’m not sure what this song is referring to...

Oh, okay :O

Forgot about the shorts.

0:58 - I mean, that’s true. I can relate to that.

1:09 - WOO! DRUMS HERE TO LIVEN THINGS UP! :D

Guessing this is when Winter’s grimm start showing up and the fighting begins!

1:34 - True. It’s genuinely difficult to figure yourself out when you’re trying to live up to other people’s expectations.

Not finding much to talk about so far. I mean, I could go on about my personal experiences again, but I’m not really in the mood to cry right now.

1:40 - Oooh, this is a good line!

Yeah, they guys in the Schnee family were so two faced...

2:00 - I can relate to this too, but not for the same reason.

Gender Dysphoria and all.

I wish the guyness in my appearance will just go away! x.x; I mean, I know it’s mostly in my head but still!!

2:50 - Pretty sure your heart draining is a bad thing. I think that’s caused by bleeding a lot...

2:56 - Oh... I can’t say I’ve self-harmed physically

Then again, I’ve never see Weiss do that, so maybe she means emotionally? Because I’ve definitely done that in a emotional way.

Just, stay in bed for hours, practically meditating on how much I suck and how I’m going to die alone.

I don’t do that as much anymore thought I slip into those moods from time to time.

3:01 - Oof, aint that the truth when you slip into those mindsets.

3:26 - Ooh! And it just transitions to Mirror Mirror! Nice! :D

The melody I mean. I don’t know if the lyrics are doing that.

3:46 - It’s, interesting considering my gender dysporia, but conflicts of identity hasn’t been... well... I mean, as soon as I realized what I wanted in life, I’ve always been resolute in that’s what I wanted. I’ve been thinking of stories since I was really young, and I always knew that’s what I wanted to do with my life. As soon I came out of denial about being transgender, I knew that getting a sex change is what I wanted. I didn’t have to ponder it much, I always know what I want.

The problem is that I usually don’t have the skills or knowledge to bring those things to action. Took me years to get my transition started because I didn’t know how and no one around me knew how either. I still doubt I have what it takes to get this webcomic off the ground. My ambitions are way too high for what my abilities can provide, and I have a hard time compromising on that.

And I know that I need to take things slow, that practice makes perfect, or that I need to wait, but I’m so impatient and it drives me nuts!

Well, pretty good song! I just didn’t really want to get into it atm. Just didn’t want to succumb to depression again, ya know? I mean, got kinda close at the end there but, I’m holding strong for now.

Damn, we’re going to have to spread this into after dinner, huh? Or at least to before the session tomorrow.

[pastelraes-blog]

Bitch Why Are You Like This: meeting Miss & Daddy (Jan 22)

A picture of me looking at me during the entire evening.

Starring: Daddy, Miss and a bitch (that's me!)

i've been thinking about my meeting with Miss and Daddy. Before that very moment, i have never felt young. Truly young - innocent, energetic, inexperienced, requiring guidance, in-over-my-head. Ever. Welcome to childhood, bitch.

Miss is fucking amazing. Although intense, she embodies the person i want to be. There's a quiet strength about her, a self-assurance, and she's beautiful. When the hostess pointed her out, i was quite sure i'd die before ever reaching the table. But here i am. Still living. While sitting at the table i marveled at how blessed i felt. Do i know what the fuck i'm doing? No. Do i know what i'm getting myself into? Hell no. But i trust in the experience Miss has, her thorough questioning, and deliberate actions.

For a moment, i wondered about sex trafficking. Atlanta is the sex trafficking hub of the nation, and to get women, sex traffickers often recruit other women. Because girls/women feel safer with and trust women more than men. With reason. But i requested to see and talk to her and Daddy was kind enough to let that happen.

And then in comes Daddy. i doubted He was real but He sure as fuck is, and boy do i feel little. It's not something i've ever experienced in my life. And i like it a lot (question mark?). i was pretty sure i was going to fuck some shit up and fuck some shit up i did. He told me to ask Him a question. i didn't feel i deserved to ask a question and quite frankly i was suffering from slight sensory overload and i didn't have a question to ask. Every question i had left my mind the moment He asked. Somehow, i found one - something about my age. i don't remember what i asked or His answer. i do remember getting comfortable and asking another question. He leans forward and says, "What part of one question do you not understand?" and i respond, "the one part." 🤦🏽‍♂️ Internally, i was yelling at myself to shut the fuck up.

And then He looked at me.

He looked *into* me

and i fell

When i was 4 or 5 or 6 (who the fuck knows honestly) my mother took me and my sister (who was 2 or 3 or 4) to a pool. i could somewhat swim but knew i should never cross 4 feet deep. Keeping this in mind, i jumped in the pool. And then i started drowning; the '4 feet' pool marker was missing and i thought i was jumping into 3 feet water. As i drowned, there was no panic. i felt no discomfort. i remember being surrounded by light blue waves. Looking up to see the sun shining through the water. i was at peace. There was no sound, there was no disturbance. And then i closed my eyes.

And when i opened them i was staring into Daddy's.

*still*

There's a common descriptor phrase - looking like a deer in headlights - and i have had the terribly unfortunate opportunity to witness this in reality in the passenger seat of my grandfather's jeep speeding toward a deer at 50 miles per hour.

and i am the deer

and the deer is me

drowning in water

over four feet deep

with eyes staring into Daddy's

Eventually i look away. And to mask my terror - that i could feel the depth of those experiences, i do the worst possible thing i could do in the moment: i look back at him defiantly & *i get smug*. And when i return my attention to Miss, i am smiling. Daddy asks Miss if i have signed the waiver yet and he says to get that done *as soon as possible*

A bitch is in trouble .

Should i be terrified for my life? Should i try to suck His ****? Who knows 🤷🏾‍♂️ (lxlzkzkzjkzjzb why am i like this! 😳🤣). Fuck Twilight AND ESPECIALLY fuck its fanfic 50 Shades, but Bella. Sweetie. If this is how you felt when Eddy-boy stared at you, i understand and im sorry for ever doubting you.

The night goes on. Daddy pours his coffee in a very particular manner. i am very thankful for Miss. They work well together. A perfect balance. She asks about me staring down Daddy and asks if i wanted to or felt like i should look away. Hell yeah i wanted to look away. i felt like i should look away. i wanted desperately to look away. i couldn't. And then it felt like maybe i shouldn't look away? Like what was this Man thinking i wondered. And when i caught myself looking i realized i kinda didn't want to stop? A bitch is a brat. Why do i poke the Lion? i don't knoooww 😭. Miss says she can't imagine me being submissive and that hurts a lot.

And of course in typical fashion of one who emotes (?) dramatically, i begin to cry. Because being smug is a defense mechanism. Bucking authority is another. i have had to puff myself up and build up walls and be hard for so long to *survive* and i don't want to be like that anymore. It's not me. i didn't have a childhood. i've always felt impossibly old. At 10, i raised my siblings for four years while momma went to college. because making 6k a year aint shit with 4 kids. At 14 when she finished, she wanted her role and her power back, but the children didn't recognize her as momma. And she hated it. It was a constant power struggle. To me she was irrational, led by the heart and prone to overreaction. Her favorite punishment aside from capital punishment was to take away everything i cared about at any moment *because she could*. So i became smug. *Because fuck you.*

Fast forward 4 years when i finally get to college and shit aint much better. i'm in an environment i wasn't ready for academically. The learning curve was exponential with a slope asymptote to infinity (undefined). That joint is a straight line lol. People are mad racist, dudes are mad sexist, the black people super rich and i'm slipping into depression. When i took a break from school last semester, i learned the traits i picked up - the way i operate in groups/the constant fight - don't work in other environments. It's dangerous to myself and it hurts others. And i don't want to be like that anymore. this is what i've had to do to survive all my life and it's ugly and it's not me.

i'm done with surviving. i want to thrive. i want to *live*. i want to submit desperately, i just don't know how. i'm tired of being defiant and smug and provoking because it's not me. i care so deeply for people, and i struggle because my face, my words, and my attitude are incongruent. When shit is bad, and i mean real bad, i smile and laugh. Not because something is funny or amusing - i smile because it isn't. i guess i started smiling cuz that's much simpler than bursting into tears. And these behaviors are habits i desperately want to break. my life has been fight after fight and resistance and war. i've made it so i would not submit to the negative forces in my life, but now i don't know how to accept the good. and that's why it hurts me so much when i smile at Miss or stare down Daddy when i would truly love not to be.

i was sure after that fiasco i'd never hear from them again. i failed so epically at something i know myself to be. regardless of the tears (because i definitely cried more last night), i am so thankful for that one opportunity to be in the presence of Miss and Daddy. The experience allowed me to gaze intently at those very ugly behaviors that i didnt truly recognize until last night. i left feeling like i failed a lot. But that failure was good because it was necessary. i'm now one step closer to knowing the person i am and transforming into the person i want to be.

Miss told me to look up what submission means and give ten examples of when i have ever done that in my life. For a moment i was quite terrified because i don't think i have ever submitted to someone or something without resistance first.

Submission - the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person; an act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent; humility; meekness

Okay the '10 examples' activity is super hard because i see now i've been the bitch reluctant to listen and follow. people must loved me to put up with this shit. Jesus take the wheel.

i still don't think i'm off the hook. i live on the hook. i am the worm 😂. i'm super disappointed in myself, but my love for myself has not changed. i'm really proud of myself for taking the chance and putting myself out there and meeting people who i fantasize about binding me, dragging keys down my back until i bleed, whipping my *****, leaving marks/bruises and other normal shit like calling me hideous degrading names and looking at me in ways that make my entire being quiver. If we're being 300,000% truthful, though i didn't intend to fuck up, the intensity of those moments, the acute embarrassment i felt, the topic of conversation in that public environment is something i truly enjoyed and if given the chance to experience it again i definitely would. ☺️

Eventually i'll ask Miss about her role because she's Daddy's sub but i have to pass her first to get to Daddy. Does that mean one day she's going to hand me off and i don't get to have her as Miss anymore 😢? i'm going to enjoy things as they are and take them as they come. Because i like Daddy & Miss a lot 🤷🏾‍♂️

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 192

Chris

"Yo?" Trey says looking at me. "Nigga chill the fuck out. Your girl not cheating on you."

"Nigga I ain't talking about that."

He raise his eyebrows. "What you talking about then?"

I hand him my phone. "Rumor in this group chat. You fucking around on Cammie?"

"Is that a fucking statement or a fucking question?" he says snatching the phone.

"Damn."

He reads the fucking text with a mad look on his face. "Where was I last week?"

"I don't know. You need an alibi?"

"Fuck no. I ain't tripping over no fucking rumor bruh. My fucking wife know what it is."

"Sure?"

He gives me back my phone nodding. "100%."

"Amber say yall was fucking and ignoring Lane crying. That true? Y'all always fucking when I'm sleep or some shit."

"You keeping up with it?"

I shrug. "I done forgot why I care. I be trying to catch you motherfuckers but shit I'm always late."

"Change schedules with April. She always walking in the room. I'm surprised she ain't came in earlier. Your girl likes to watch."

"Amber? No the fuck she don't bitch."

He laughs. "Want to work on a song tomorrow?"

I shake my head. "I'm going to Chicago."

"Keep on. You gonna fucking lose that girl. Who wants you up their ass accusing them of cheating all the time? Shit I don't like hearing the rare times Cammie does it."

"Nigga wasn't it you complaining about the fact that she don't accuse you? Or was that your ass talking about her cheating?"

"But I don't tell her the shit."

"Yeah whatever. I'm going."

He shrugs. "That's your relationship. Dee was serious as fuck about not getting caught up in sister shit. His ass took his family home quick."

I sit up. "They asses are gone aint it."

"Yeah. But they leaving out tonight to go stay up at the condo. Your ass leaving. April coming to get Lane. It's about to be me and Cammie."

"And Caden."

He waves his hand. "Caden ain't nobody to walk in the room or no shit. But I got to go the night after tomorrow. I ain't feeling that."

"Where you going for how long?"

"Texas then Vegas. Two or three days."

I stand up. "I got to go to Chicago, New York, then LA. I don't know when I'm coming back this way. When y'all moving to LA?"

"I don't know. That's Cammie's shit."

"Nigga she about to be in the fucking spotlight. How the fuck you feel about that? I mean, you know, some niggas don't like their girls being big or whatever."

He shrugs. "It is what it is."

Amber walks up to me then lean on my arm. "Are you going to listen to my song? I feel like I'm begging you."

"I was coming." I say cutting my eyes at Trey.

"I will listen to your song." Trey says standing up. "Where is it?"

She looks over at him. "I'm fucking mad with you and trifling. Makes me not want to leave my son with you alone."

"You realized we gonna be alone? I'm fucking excited."

"What kinda father?" she says walking away.

Trey laughs sitting back down. "Don't fuck up your relationship over petty shit bruh. You gonna be fucking up a friendship, a business, an amazing woman, and a bomb ass connection."

"Damn, no pressure."

"Fucking right. But you my little nigga. I taught you how to be a fucking man."

"Shut that bullshit up. Fake ass."

Lane runs in front of the couch. "Bullshit."

Trey sighs. "Lane."

"That bullshit." Lane says then laughs.

"Go tell your mama that." Trey says.

"Mommy said leave." Lane says shrugging.

I laugh. "She told you to leave Lane? That's some bullshit right?"

"That bullshit." Lane shrugs.

"Lane..." Trey starts. "Go tell your mama..."

Lane yells. "Mommy said leave!"

Trey reaches for Lane. "Keep on."

"Sorry." Lane says falling down on his ass trying to get away from Trey.

I shake my head and walk down the hall. I look back. Lane was following me. I'm glad that little girl is gone. She was a fucking pest. She liked to talk. She has to be two years older than Lane. I glance back again before walking into the room. Lane had stopped and started playing with a lamp.

"Lane, Imma tell your mama."

"Bullshit."

"What?" Cammie snaps from in a room.

Lane's little ass runs fast into the living room where Trey was.

"That boy is bad."

"If you didn't want to listen to the song then it's cool."

I sit on her lap. "Bae, I'm here. Play the song."

She reaches around me. "I miss being friends."

"Ain't shit changed."

"Yeah, I was the one you hung out with listening to music, making music, and talking shit about your girl. Now I'm your girl and you run from conversations with me."

I shrug. "I doubt that."

She starts the song over. "Pay attention next time."

"What is wrong here?"

"You not listening." she says starting the song over again.

I pop her hand then start the song over. "That's bullshit."

"Bullshit." Lane whispers at the door.

"Lane, I know not." Amber says. "I know we don't say grown up words."

Lane laughs. "No. I not say that."

"Yes you did." she snaps.

"I going Grandma house." he says then slams the door.

I laugh. "That boy hell."

I start the song back over then look at Amber. "Why you sound like you making excuses not to be in this relationship?"

"I didn't notice."

"Yeah okay." I say listening to the song. She about to be shocked when I show up to Chicago.

   Trey

"Tremaine!" Cammie shouts startling me from my snooze.

"Shit woman."

She stands in front of me with her hands on her hips. "You better tell them no!"

"Who, Jay?" I say trying to wake up and catch up to what I missed.

"There's no way..."

Chris hands me his phone then walks away. "Ma."

"Yeah." I say touching Cammie's hip.

"Tremaine?"

"Oh... I thought this was the other Ma. Why you didn't call my phone?" I pulling Cammie to me.

She snatches away from me. "Tremaine."

"Yo? What is going on with y'all?" I say standing up.

"I'm already on my way to pick up Lane. It would make sense when she has to leave in a few days."

I shrug. "Ma, what you talking about? Who leaving?"

"Oh she didn't tell you?"

"What she say to you?" Cammie ask snatching the phone.

What the hell? I'm about to run. It's been a long time since Cammie and Ma got into it about anything. I'm confused as hell and I don't want to be in it. Shit. What could it even be about? All the drama is behind us.

"I'm not going anywhere, April."

"Oh she April?" I ask turning around. "I'll excuse myself."

Cammie grabs me. "Tremaine!"

"What, Jayla? What is so wrong with what she has to say? What is this even about? I don't fucking know shit."

"They are trying to take my baby to Virginia. I already said no to Lane but that's not fucking stopping nobody."

"Oh we cursing." April chuckles. "Mama, Cammie says no."

Cammie throws the phone at me and crosses her arm. Oh shit. She storms out of the room mad as shit. What the hell? I catch the phone before it drops. That's the only thing I know to do right now. They straight up attacked me. Grandma getting on the phone ain't gonna help the situation.

"Hello, Maine." Rose says.

"Hey, Angel." I say smiling.

She sighs. Oh no. "I don't understand why he can't come for a day. We just wanted him for a little bit. I can't be doing all of that traveling. April was telling me about you moving to the West coast."

I hit my head. "I mean..."

"I know she has milk in her freezer that she can send. She was telling me about it yesterday. That's where I got the idea."

"Ma, but... You know how she is."

She sighs deeply. "Yes, I know. The two of you need time alone. Tremaine."

"Grandma."

"One night."

I sigh. "I'll talk to her, grandma."

"That's all I'm asking. Love you."

"Do you grandma? Do you really?"

She giggles. "You can handle Cammie, Baby. Call me back."

I hang up the phone and stare at it. "Shit."

"What's that shit about?" Chris says reaching out to me.

"Nigga I don't have nothing for you."

He points to my hand. "Why they call me?"

I hand him his phone. "They trying to pull some shit on me. They want Caden."

"Oh hell." Chris laughs. "You need backup?"

"Naw. Save yourself."

He chuckles walking away from me. I sigh. I'm fucked when I walk in this room. I don't want to be between Grandma Rose and Cammie. Rose has to win regardless. I'm going to feel guilty as fuck. Cammie probably already feeling it from April. When I walk in here talking about Rose she gonna kick my ass. But Rose wants Caden. She hasn't seen him in a month or two. Baby, I just want to say...

"Tremaine, don't even fucking talk to me."

"Jayla..."

"I swear if you not on my side don't say shit."

I walk to her touching her foot. "Jayla, you know I'm always on your side but..."

"Tremaine!"

"Rose... Mama wanted me to try. I tried. We not talking about it anymore."

Lane comes in the room crying. "Nanma... Nanma... I no... Not. I..."

Cammie looks at him funny. "Lane what is your problem? Did you fall?"

"No...I.. No... Want to."

"Stop crying and talk." she snaps.

He throws his hands to his side after wiping his face. "You said no. I go to grandma house. You said no. I don't want to go home. I go to grandma. No!"

"What?"

"Mommy say no. I want grandma now!"

Cammie puts her hands on her hips. "You not gonna come in here yelling at me. I don't care how you feeling. You go back out there and come in here like you got some sense."

He stomps out of the room slamming the door. "Bullshit!"

"Who the hell taught him that?" she snaps walking towards the door.

"Jayla." I say grabbing her. "Baby, listen. He going through some things."

"Tremaine, my son is not going to be walking around here cursing at me. What the hell you think this is?"

Before I say anything to her the door of the room opens. It was Rollie letting Lane in. Oh Rollie here. He touches Lane's head. Lane had a pout face.

"What we say?"

"Sorry Mommy." Lane says looking up at her with his head down.

"Jay, Rose really wants the boys to come see her. If you want I'll ride with them and bring them back the next morning. I mean they can't keep him long because you breastfeeding. You avoiding them?"

Cammie turns around walking into me. Oh shit. We doing this again? Shit I don't want her going back into no fucking depression. I hold her tight so she wouldn't walk away. Why we even doing all of these? Rollie raises his eyebrows then backs up to the door. He smiles then leaves out. How is this funny?

"Jayla we can take them up there."

"I have rehearsal tomorrow." she cries.

I want to tell her she being a baby. "It's one day. Rollie will go and bring them back. We have to get ready for when you are busy with your show. Well fuck it. I'll tell them next week. Okay? We will go up there together. Jayla? Okay?"

She nods her head. I call April back. "Ma."

"Hold on. Lane, baby don't cry. I'm going to come see you. Okay?"

He just cries still. Cammie covers her face. I sigh. Everybody crying.

"Hello, Tremaine."

"Ma'am?"

Its April. "I'm going to come tomorrow so I can stay a little longer. I want to be here for Mama's appointment with the doctor."

"About what?" Cammie asks uncovering her face.

"Just an appointment. I wanted to take her." she says short.

Cammie sucks her teeth and walk away. "Whatever."

Damn man. Im about to love up on my wife. Fuck them cause April getting her way regardless of what Cammie says right now. April knows it. She knows Cammie doesn't want to disrespect them and will do anything to please them. Let me get my wife. I get an attitude with April.

"Aight April." I say.

"Tremaine you can act all stank if you want to."

"I'm not." I say with an attitude. "See you tomorrow."

She sucks her teeth. "Whatever, Tremaine."

I shrug and hang up. I turn to look where Cammie had gone. She was leaning against the door with her arms folded across her chest. I toss the phone to the bed. I feel like making her happy would benefit everybody. I know she feeling like everyone is against her. I hit her stomach lightly. She rolls her eyes.

"Jay, I'm down with whatever you decide to do."

"I don't want to talk about it."

I wrap my arms around her waist standing her up straight. "That's cool too."

She sucks her teeth. "Don't try to bullshit me, Trey."

"I promise I'm not. I wouldn't."

"I have to go feed Caden." She says walking away.

I hit her ass. "You want me to fix it?"

"Tremaine."

"Okay, it's over." I say walking behind her.

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

24 | Part Two

Aaliyah

I couldn't put my socks on. My belly was too fat. I wasn't able to reach the shampoo placed high in the bathroom cabinet. Everything was a chore. Sometimes I contemplated ending it all. What difference would it make? I'm not one of those new mothers either, strutting on about how I'm living for two now. Screw that. Right now, all I see is Aaliyah in the mirror and I'm sick of it.

But then, there's this other side of me that begins to embrace who I am and how far I've come- me being so young with this whole pregnancy thing. And I really have to give myself credit for-

"Open up, baby. It's me."

I exhaled, remembering that I called Titus to come pick me up after my little 'marathon' with my sister. She was such a prick.

Enough of that. I needed no negativity right now. That's why I chose to go on this trip. No negativity, or so I thought.

I smirked at the light skinned god after cracking the door just enough.

"You gone let me in, or what?"

My loins were soaking wet at the sight of him.

"You ain't even have to answer that one," He quipped, letting himself in the abode with two swift arms coated around my waist. "Damn, girl. You fillin these pants,"

"Boy, shut up." I gushed.

He bit his lip, slightly exposing his golden grill on his bottom teeth once he lifted me on the bed.

"Titus, what are you doing?" I giggled, allowing him to attack my neck with sweet kisses. And believe me, it felt the best with a bun in the oven. Pain and pleasure had the best of both worlds.

"I been missin' you. Ain't you miss me?" He asked rhetorically, continuing his much needed assaults.

"Well...yes..." I stuttered between moans. "But...baby, I called you up here for a reason."

He stopped. "What's up?"

"Can you let go of me so we don't get carried away?"

He did so, smoothly facing me from the side as I sat criss cross apple sauce.

"I need to get out of here."

He raised a brow. "Okay. But you know I gotta bring you right back, right?"

"Titus...no. I'm pregnant with your child-"

I was cut off by the kiss of his teeth.

"Don't you think you should tell your parents about me, given these circumstances?"

"Aaliyah, I'm not finna keep arguing with you about this. You already know wassup and I got a plan, remember? All in due time."

"When is time, Titus?"

"Shit, not now. That's for sure. Besides, what's so different from now and every other time you've asked me to take you home?"

"I shouldn't have to explain myself but if you must know...I'm stressed and depressed and being around my sister is bad enough. I just want to go home."

"Ain't that where you at now?"

I scoffed, really taking a look at this dumb ass nigga in front of me. I swear, if I had a penny for every time he said 'aint'...

"Fine. Just get out. You're unbelievable."

"No, baby. Wait." He pleaded, grabbing my little arms as I attempted throwing him out of the room. "I'll take you home. I'll take you home! Wherever you wanna go."

The commotion of my movements halted as I became full with the dexterity of his eyes. He was in control of me now.

I let him carry me back on the bed softly. The way he took in every inch of my body with his eyes drew me closer to him. Like water, I was attracted to him.

He turned the radio up, smoothly turning on the r&b station.

"I love you," He lied.

"I know."

_______________

"Oh shit,"

The sound of the van doors closing woke me up from my midday slumber. Titus still lay in a deep sleep with his arms wrapped tightly around me, making it hard for me to stand up.

"Titus...Titus, baby. I need for you to get up."

"Huh...what." He snorted, unlocking the padlock he had around me.

"Titus...get up!"

"What the hell?" He whined.

I pulled his arm closer towards me, guiding him towards the restroom.

"I really need you to hide in here for a bit. Please. My sister's back."

Titus, being the dumb ass he was, humped his shoulders and spread himself on the bathroom floor to continue his nap.

Good. Now I didn't have to hear Sanaa's mouth about anything. Unless she had to pee.

I stalled around the window, trying to see what they were all up to. Peaches strolled in the room first, muttering only a few words before collapsing on the twin bed.

Sanaa came in about twenty minutes or so after that. I ignored her, pretending to use the restroom so she didn't go in there.

"Fuck, there are no windows in here." I cursed. We could only escape through the front. Rats.

I walked out of the restroom, sitting on the bed. Hopefully if me and Peaches were fast asleep, Sanaa would shut her damn eyes and I could escape with my man through the front door.

But her ugly ass wasn't letting up.

Fat ass started eating cold wings.

"Jee, thanks Sanaa for thinking of me despite our differences, and saving me some wings." I admitted, honestly annoyed she didn't get me anything.

"You shouldn't even be eating wings."

Pretentious whore.

"Don't tell me what I can and can't eat!"

Okay, I was really annoyed now. I just wanted to go home. This didn't turn out to be the adventure I expected.

"Can you turn that garbage off? I'm trying to sleep." I hissed, growing impatient with her insomnia.

And what did she do? She turned it up. By now, I was really impatient. And Lord knows how impatience catalyzes the anger within. Plus, I was pregnant. So I had an excuse.

I hauled my pager at her shoulder expecting her to storm off and leave the room like she usually did when we fought. But she didn't. She responded by throwing that big ass remote back at me.

I caught it before it hit me, damaging my nails in the process.

"Ahh!" The pain was unbearable. Didn't I say sensory was on 8 more than 92 with a bun in the oven? Pain and pleasure were bitches.

"You really wanna have a fight?" She huffed, standing up.

"Turn the tv off!" I yelled, growing more upset because the rage of the speakers was louder than I was.

"Then you need a weapon." She hissed.

"What?"

"There's one in the drawer."

At this moment I wasn't sure if she was for real or not. I didn't quite care. But I thought it was strange of Naomi to provoke me like that. I mean, yeah she was haughty by nature but this was something new. Weapons? That wasn't a vocabulary word of hers. She had to be joking.

"Check if you don't believe me." She said, clarifying my doubts.

"I'm not gonna fight you, Sanaa."

"Exactly, bitch. You won't even try it because I would end you with or without a weapon."

She sounded comical like the laugh track playing ominously in the background. The cheshire grin etched across her lips, her friend snoring louder than the volume, my baby daddy napping in the restroom were all hilarious to me, contributing to my slapstick attempts at getting the fuck out of this Circus.

Naturally, I needed to know what was in that drawer. What was really eating Naomi. Or is it eating this new 'Sanaa' persona she had going on.

I opened it. It revealed a knife. Classic. But I still couldn't believe she was dumb enough to kill me so it was still comical.

The knife wasn’t the only thing that caught my attention. There were pictures; pictures of the girls in her little coven. It was quite odd to me but even more odd as I thought about it later on. I didn’t pay much attention to them.

I still wanted to know what point she was trying to prove, though. This change in character made no sense unless she was bipolar.

"Wow...you'd really threaten to kill me...over a television set?"

"I don't make threats."

"Wow, real clever."

"Why don't you just get the fuck out since you want to start shit all the time?"

"I will!"

"Good!"

I made it out the door before realizing I had precious cargo lingering in the bathroom and I needed to grab him real quick. That and...my sister needed me. If any, she needed my words if nothing else registered.

I knocked on the door several times before she bothered answering it with the chain still attached to the door.

"I know you're sick." I blurted.

"What the fuck?"

"Listen, you don't have to hide around me, okay? Mama told me everything."

"Shut your fucking mouth," She snorted, attempting to lock me out again.

"Wait-" I interrupted. "Mama also told me...we sisters. And she not our real mama."

She glowered, time standing still as the night air passed between us.

She shuffled with lowered eyes, saying "W-what?" in a language only her and I knew how to communicate with.

"I been meaning to tell you. You've just been so...so busy and affiliated with this new life you've created for yourself."

"New life?"

"Yes, Naomi. A new life. A better life."

"...better?"

"You sound so surprised."

"So...who's my real mama?"

"Not just you, Nay. It's both of us. Both of us ain't got no mama."

"We got a mama," She stated confidently.

She was sure of it. Everything she said was sure.

"And she's at home in Mississippi cooking collard greens right now,"

She gleamed, matching my hopeful expression before engulfing me into a tight hug.

Taking in the expression dazzled on her cheeks and the flesh between her nose and lips, I reminded myself that my sister was an extremest. She was extreme with her movements, her motives, and even what slice of pie she wanted before everyone else got to it. Maybe by now, she had created her own side to the spectrum of extremities. A new her. A new extreme. She didn't mind sacrificing all that she knew before the new her. The old her.

No, I didn't stay that night. I left with my cranky boyfriend around 2 that morning, holding my stomach the whole ride home.

My sister and I needed each other. I realized that loving her from a far might not have been a terribly bad thing.

[redhairedhobi]

Tagged!! :D

I was tagged by @sunnyuto​ !! Thank you hon <3

ABOUT YOU

Hair Color?

Dark brown

Is your hair long or short?

Slightly long-ish, like around 2 inches past my shoulders. I’m going to cut it above my shoulders soon.

Eye Color?

Dark brown

Blood Type?

O+

Nickname(s)?

Rafs, Raf, Michhi, Peeps

Relationship Status?

Single

Pronouns?

She/Her or Dude/Gurl/Bro

Tattoos?

Nope but I like drawing on my wrists in pen

Piercings?

Just the mediocre ear piercings that most gals have .-.

Do you want (more) piercings or tattoos?

Not really, I mean if I were allowed to I’d get so many tats but in this univere it aint happenin’

Right or Left handed?

Right

Zodiac?

Leo and proud :)

RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU….

Eating?

Nothing

Drinking?

Nothing

Listening to?

Young Wings by Stray Kids

About to watch?

Maquia (but first i gotta finish all my hw hhhh)

Waiting for?

Everyone to realize how awesome they are

THE LAST…

Phone Call?

My dad

Text Message?

To @neko-ohime-sama-blr​

Song you listened to?

Oasis by Exo

Time you cried?

A couple days ago

HAVE YOU EVER…

Dated someone twice?

No

Kissed someone and regretted it?

no (I’ve never kissed anyone lol)

Kissed a stranger?

No

Been cheated on?

No

Had sex on a first date?

No

Lost someone special?

Yes

Been depressed?

Eh we’re all angsty teens

Drank hard liquor?

Never drank, never gonna drink

Gotten drunk and thrown up?

No

Talked to a person named Tom?

No? I know zero people named Tom

Had surgery? 

When I was smol (like a newborn preemie) yeah

Lost your glasses?

I don’t wear glasses lol

Turned someone down?

No but I’ve never been asked properly

Broken someone’s heart?

Don’t think so

Had your heart broken?

Yes

Been arrested?

Nope

Cried when someone died?

No...but no one’s died so far

Fallen for a friend?

…oof ooOf if I wasn’t as straight as a ruler you bet your butt I’d have crushes on all my friends

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU…

Made new friends?

Yes!!!!

Fallen out of love?

Not in the last year, no

Laughed until you cried?

Yeah a little less than a year ago but not bc I was laughing too hard, I was laughing to cover up some internal hurt and just used my laughter to cover up the tears

Found out someone was talking about you?

Yeah but only bc my friend told me

Met someone who changed you?

Yeah

Found out who your friends are?

Yup

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list?

I used to cheek-kiss my friends a ton so yeah

FAVORITE…

Drink?

ORANGE SODAAAAA or a Sprite/Coke mix lol

Color(s)?  

Light blue and maroon

TV Show(s)?

Oof I’d hafta say Adventure Time was the best

Sport(s)?

Basketball, soccer aka football

Movie(s)?

Big Hero 6, Hidden Figures, The Addams Family, The Greatest Showman

Actor(s)?  

uhhhhhhhh idk man Tom Holland is cute and the entire The Greatest Showman cast was amazing

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Miracles?

Yeah

Love at first sight?

Yeah, sort of

Santa Claus?

No

Kissing on a first date?

Sure

Angels?

YES

Yourself?

Yeah I do, but that doesn’t mean I completely love and accept myself all the time .-.

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or Kisses?

Both!!!!!!! Hugs, if I had to choose

Lips or Eyes?

E Y E S

Shorter or Taller?

EVERYONE IS TALLER THAN ME HHHH PLEASE BE ONLY SLIGHTLY TALLER

Older or Younger?

Same age or older bc all my friends fall in that age group

Nice arms or nice stomach?

Arms!!

Hookup or relationship?

Relationship but I’m in the arranged marriage life so...talking it out beforehand lol

Troublemaker or hesitant?

Mostly hesitant

RANDOM

What’s your best friend’s name?

I don’t have just one

What is something you can’t wait for?

February bc I get to see all 6 of my best friends in one room again

What time did you wake up today?

10:30

Do you want to change your name?

No, I love my name!

What did you do for your last birthday?

Went shopping and ate fried chicken

What were you doing at midnight last night?

Wondering how tf it got so late

What is something that gets on your nerves?

Mansplaining, when ppl assume things about me even after getting to know me, going from friends to strangers and open-mouthed eating/chewing.

Do you have a crush on someone?

Notmcurrently

What’s your most visited website?

Tumblr, AO3, or YouTube ( @sunnyuto brO these are your choices too? wh-)

Where do you want to go on vacation?

Somewhere new with fresh air and lots of sights to see

How many Facebook friends do you know IRL?

All except for like 2

Do you have pets?

Unfortunatelly no

Do you want to get married?

Yeah I guess

What career do you want to have?

Currently I just wanna major in Economics and get a job

What is something you want?

To pass all my classes and find mental peace

What do you like about yourself?

I’m always reminding my friends how much they deserve to be loved :)

Tagging: @beautifullydisasterousmilla @vin-taege @neko-ohime-sama-blr @artemisoftheeast224 if yall wanna to this

[tumblunni]

Umm im sorry i worried everyone!

Long story shory i managed to get past the suicidal moment and managed to talk to a staff member about it, albiet through the indirect awkwardness of sticky notes on the front of my door. Well, it worked! Even if it was quite a while of frantically scribbling and trying to go downstairs and hand it to someone and then giving up and ripping it upnand then trying again. Im almost out of notebook paper now!

So umm i talked to a nice lady who's YET ANOTHER new rotating staff member i never met before. But she said that maybe she can be assigned to me as my main nurse so at least im always talking to the same person each time when we're talking about the whole ptsd and anxiety thats the whole reason im here. And OH GOD THANK YOU she gave me validation that the Constantly Looking Through Your Door Every Hour So You Never Get Any Privacy was a REAL BAD IDEA in a goddamn psych ward! Apparantky its a stupid rule forced upom them by changing NHS standards since stupid brexit and our revolving door of new politicians cutting corners everywhere. It makes sense cos really its a very bigoted/stereotypical view of mental health people faaaaar away from a distance with no consideration to what they actually need to get better. "Oh check on the crazies to make sure they aint dangerous or killed themself when you arent looking", conpletely ignoring how such 24/7 surveillance could cause more suicides than it catches! And seriously let me reiterate how it did NOTHING to catch me when i wanted to kill myself the two times its happened already, its not like there's big visual signs, sometimes its just me sitting in the corner staring straight ahead and thinking things i feel unable to tell the staff members cos i cabt trust them cos of this bullshit. And if i really wanted to do it it would be so easy to just wait in between the checks! Its so dumb! And its so easy to just turn to face the door and say 'yes i'm here' every time they check and they just leave cos thats literally all they do?? Im able to do that in the middle of a damn breakdown! They dont even know if im okay or not, just that i didnt leave the room. And nobody noticed i had a big ol cut on my arm for three days!

So uhh yeah anyway the lady was mega nice and said they actually did anticipate that this rule would start off my paranoia and make me worse as soon as they first read my symptom list. And they said they were able to give me a guarantee of two hours unsupervised to just finally sit down alone and think and cry and get this combined weight of 8 days stress all out. And im allowed to go sit in the corner of the room where they cant see me and put the wardrobe in the way just in case i dont believe them.

So ive been sitting here in my little fort for a while and finally being able to hug my plush toys and just close my eyes and think through all of this shit. And like just.. Just this lady's kindness and knowing that im not being irrational for worrying and that i might have one person i can indeed talk to. It just helped a lot. I had a big stupid think and i think i'm..well im not okay but im not at risk of hurting myself anymore. I feel more optimistic that i'll be able tp endure all this if i know i can sometimes have a moment to just be allowed to be sad about it. And just not be seen. For the first ten minutes i was just all scrunched up repeating 'nobody can see me, nobody's allowed to see me' until i really believed it. Man im so fragile, just living in A House With Several People has already broken me down to that point! I feel proud i was able to build up a bit of a foundation again just by talking to myself and hugging a giant pokemon tho! And dear god all your messages really helped, thank you everyone! I feel a little bad that i wasnt able to draw anything good and post it for the one drawing request, but then i realized if its just to make me feel better im allowed to draw badly. Like how i was scrawling absolute nonsense on my arm with a pen two days ago, just so i wouldnt cut myself. It worked! It looked expectedly like what rabid depression scribbles look like, but it worked! So i probably wont show anyone my bad doodles but thank you for suggesting i do it! And the idea from someone else of just imagining some story prompts for those ocs i thought up shortly before i moved here. That cheered me up just to know people are still interested in that idea! I hope i can feel better enough soon to actually start drawing proper good stuff again so i can give them fittingly adorable designs! But just thinking up ideas in my head for lil offscreen mini stories helps me develop them even when i dont feel up to actually writing or drawing. And then there's the other people who just sent me hopes and prayers and messages of friendship and nice pictures! Oh god you guys are my actual lifeblood! One of the things i thought about while i was just chilling out was how i met all of my friends throughout my life and how they shaped who i became and how im like.. Just a big person shape made of links of friends, and all the ways i want to make them proud, and all the ways they saw worth in me even when i couldnt see it myself. And even thoigh many of them have left me they all helped lead me through so many spiralling paths to meet the others and to accomplish other things and to get to where i am today!

And just generally.. Uhh.. Love you guys a lot, okay.just wanted to let you know that im doing better, in case my mobile credit runs out. I love you so fucking much.

[xonemi]

Bored So I'm Here to Rant

4 o'clock in the morning. I have been sleeping all day yesterday, and woke up around evening time. I saw my typewriter keyboard and have realized that I haven't been using it much.

Reasons for not using it. I mainly use it to type on my journal app called One Day. I haven't been able to do that because the journal app One Day is an iOS app and is not available for windows. My current laptop that I have is a Windows laptop. My Mac laptop that I have is being borrowed by my sister who lives far from me. Oh well.

I could just get a windows journaling app, but as it turns out I looked up the best journaling apps and Day One was number 1 and the next best one that can be used on Windows you have to pay monthly for premium. I am not paying for another journaling app. I already paid a one time deal for Day One.

Anyways, my rant is not about that. My rant is about pyramid schemes. In today's techy world, I am amazed people are still being BAMBOOZLED into pyramid schemes. Like hello? Google that shit maybe? Idk.

Look, I understand that not all pyramid schemes are scams, but they are still fucking pyramid schemes, which just doesn't seem right to me. BUT WHATEVER.

So I had a coworker friend who asked me to go with him to this "business" meeting with him. I thought it was just his aunt trying to sell some random crap. I know there are some people out there who need to do presentations on selling a product but they don't actually need everyone in the presentation to buy the product.

My initial thought was okay, go to this so called business meeting, listen to the presentation and then leave. But boy was I fucking wrong.

Days before the business meeting, my friend sends me and a group of people a link about the product. I look up the company, and I see articles about it being a pyramid scheme.

Already my mind is closed off. Like there's no way in hell anyone is going to get me into some damn pyramid scheme. I don't care if he is a really good friend, there is no way in fucking hell.

I stopped doing any more research because that is all I needed to know. Pyramid scheme. Nothing else will change my mind. But I still made a promise to my friend that I would go to this meeting, so I didn't back down.

Friday, I had to do overtime at my work. My plan was to only work 8hrs so that I could get some sleep because the stupid meeting was in the morning.

The weekend shift didn't have a properly trained person working the laboratory so the shift supervisor asked if I could stay the whole shift which was 12 hrs and ended at 4:30 in the morning.

I was livid, not because I had to stay but because someone who actually works that shift, is always going home early. I wanted to go home early, but couldn't yet this mother fucker was allowed to? And what makes me more mad is his reasons are lies. One time he used the excuse that his girlfriend's grandmother (who lived with him and his gf) was depressed and needed his help. If she really needed help, why the fuck is his gf partying it up? Posting vids on social media of her drinking the night away. It just fucking makes me so mad that this fucker gets away with anything… It's not my shift but still... Whatever.

Back to the pyramid scheme. I worked until 4 am. Got home and went straight to bed. I was hoping I could sleep through the morning meeting because I was so tired and I know that my friend won't be mad because he knows I worked until 4:30.

He ends up calling me after 9 am. I somehow wake up. I ignore the call cause my eyes literally wouldn't stay open. He leaves a voicemail saying that it's okay if we arrive at 10. My subconscious is starting to feel guilty. I did make a promise and I hate breaking promises. Since he said 10 was okay, I got up called him back and said okay I will leave now.

This foo goes, "don't leave yet because I still have to pick up our other co-worker, that way we could arrive at the same time."

I should have taken that moment to go to starbucks and get breakfast and coffee because what happened afterwards was just a shit show.

I get ready and leave after 10 mins. My GPS says I will arrive at 950. I get there and my friend calls me. He asks where I am at and I tell him that I was at the location already. This mother fucker tells me he's barely on the way. It will take him 30 mins to get to the location. LIKE BRUHHHH. Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm tired. I am a very cranky person in the morning. I am definitely not a morning person despite working 1st shift for 6 yrs. (I now work night shifts) I was fuming mad. But I stay calm. I look at instagram for awhile, I try to stay awake while I wait.

20 mins pass and this guy tells me that his uncle will pick me up and that I should just go ahead without him. This mother fucker gives him my phone number (I don't want calls from these people in the future, I might have to change my phone number.) and calls me telling me where to meet him. He takes me to their like lounge eating area. I sit there for almost another 20 minutes. My friend arrived almost fucking 11. They go to different area. Turns out the presentation already started. Thank goodness I didn't go there from the beginning. After 10 minutes of listening to the guy do his presentation, I was already over it.

This guy had no good selling points. I was squirming in my chair the whole fucking time. My other coworker brought her 5 year old son with her and he was dying of boredom. I looked at him and was all "you and me both man"

I really do believe that their product works. It seems to be a legit product. But that foo wasn't selling the product, he was selling the business. I am not an entrepreneur. Although I like money, I do not have the social skills to go around selling a product and a pyramid scheme. So this presentation was not geared towards me. I wanted to leave so badly.

The guy's selling point was that you had to pay $2500 and get 4 other people to pay $2500 and you could start making $500 a month. And from there it could only go up. First of all. I do not save money. I am a spender. There is no way I have $2500 in the bank on hand. That's not me. I barely have $300 at most, most of the time. The only reason I have actual money saved right now is because I am waiting for my speeding ticket. That is the only reason I have money right now. Once that speeding ticket is paid, I am back to being a broke ass bitch because I will more than likely spend the rest of the money left over after the ticket is paid.

Looking around the room during the presentation, the people there were mostly people over 50. Only me, my friend were under 40. It just blew my mind that they were all just very into the presentation. I felt like I was in a cult or something. They were really buying this dude's sell. Which understandably, I could see it. He made it seem easy to earn money through their program.

It really did seem easy to earn millions in a year. But this is where my problem lies. You have to go out there and recruit people. Recruit people to pay $2500 so that they can recruit people to pay $2500 so that those people could recruit people to pay $2500. Those older folks, could easily find people to spend that kind of money because they're old and probably have savings that could be used to pay that $2500 and have cultivated lots of friends, but me? Someone who has limited friends, who is shy, hates any social event, like bruhh, you're barking up the wrong tree here.

The second guy who spoke in the presentation, he was even worse than the first guy. He said "i'll make this short. 10 mins top." This fucker speaks for another 30 mins. Only stopped because the afternoon session started walking in.

He went on to talk about the types of people you needed to recruit. He used an acronym... He wrote EMPOWER on the board. So this is the type of person you need to recruit. E for Entrepreneur M for Motivated, P for positive, O for Open minded, W for Willing, E for Enthusiastic, R for (i forgot, i legit started tuning him out after awhile because I was bored and hungry and sleepy.)

First of all. My friend made the wrong choice in trying to get me into this. Even until now he is trying to convince me.

If there's one thing you should know about me is I am a very negative person, and the funny part is my friend knows this about me. Why he thought I would be POSTIVE here was actually a surprise. Open minded? YEAH NO. FUCK THAT. There is no way in hell I will ever be open minded about Pyramid scheme. I was open minded about their product, but definitely not their business structure. I am the type of person who loves to spend money on myself and others, but NOT ON PYRAMID SCHEMES. And then there's WILLING. Bruhhh I am so fucking lazy. The fact that I was willing to go to this business meeting in the first place was already too much for me. How many times I almost tried to cancel. If he wasn't a good friend to me, I would have done everything in my power to get out of it. But yeah me willing to put in any effort on a pyramid scheme is soooooooo not going to happen. Enthusiastic???? HHAHHAHAHAHHAH I had a sour face the whole time. You aint going to catch me be enthusiastic about any type of pyramid scheme.

I dont know. I still can't fathom why anyone would join a pyramid scheme.

A few hours ago my friend messages me before he went to sleep saying he was sorry he knew that I didn't have much sleep. I was fine. I just love to complain a lot (part of my negative vibe I am trying to put out into the world) anyways, I went to it that's all that matters to me, that I was able to keep my promise... but then this foo saw my "pyramid scheme" story on social media, and he sends me a video link titled "Is *COMPANY NAME* a scam?" I didn't watch the video. I went straight to the comments section. Of course the top comments are from "users" and "reps" of the company boasting about how great the company and the product is. All the way at the bottom was the real comment. The commenter said something about how the person on the video didn't mention anything about the company and their business structure, he was just selling the product. So was the video link my friend sent me proof that the company isn't a scam? NO. I never told him I thought it was a scam, i merely mentioned it was a pyramid scheme, and like I have said somewhere in this post that not all pyramid schemes are scams... I just don't like pyramid schemes.

Anyways, Pyramid schemes aren't for me. Nor will I partake in any form of joining them.

Side story which is funny and stupid... I didn't want my friend to look bad so I went straight to that stupid meeting without eating breakfast... when the person came and took me to the lounge area, they had donuts and coffee provided, my dumbass thought they might have put their product into the donuts or coffees so I didn't eat or drink anything there. hahahahha. I feel bad for my friend if he actually joined, hopefully he will be able to bamboozle someone else. that isn't me. He shouldn't tell our coworkers if he tries to recruit someone else from work that I went to that meeting, because let me tell you, there's no way I am lying to them. I will tell them not to join. AHahahhaha

[theday]

i forgot to copy andpste the rules fuckjdjh anwyay taged by @younghyuuns and @pupcats :D thank u guys for tagging me i havent done this in ages

tagging: @minhyukwithagun (just saw ur new icon ffuck) @briwoon and @tokayhk u guys dont have to tho ily all oh also @hyunghoney and @hyungkyunnie and @minhyukt suddenly im tagging everyone u guys dont have to do it either ily toohdjh

last:

drink: water hddhh im so happie to hear everyones answer is water too stay fresh

phone call: ................ oh my mum i was gonna say i dont call ppl but she called the house phone yesterday

text message: ‘what’ jhddsjhjhsh

song you listened to: beside you by 5so/s im wheesinghs falen kdhs

time you cried: really cried??? january on a thursday aka last month i broke down in school djhhsjh schools the place i cry the most i couldnt go through one month without breaking downdjhdhs every year i have 2 cry there at least once apparently jesushdjs

have you ever:

dated someone twice: i havent even dated anyone once

been cheated on: see above

kissed someone and regretted it: see above

lost someone special: immmdmfmmdkks i guess not? in terms of friends they were special but not anymore so i guess that doesnt count

been depressed: nope

been drunk and thrown up: in this house we only drink water

in the past year have you:

made a new friend: heck yeah? i made so many good pals after revamping this blog im so happie :( 

fallen out of love: no lol i stopped having this crush on this person at the end of 2016 best decision of my life

laughed until you cried: one too many times but i cant remember any ;-/ 

met someone who changed you: falen?? but everyone has an effect on mehjd 

found out who your true friends are: well . yeah

found out someone was talking about you: idk i dont rememberjhdhjhs i dont care enough

general:

how many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: only karissa and she doenst even use tumblr much ;-/ 

do you have any pets?: i wish i did D: but not now.. jsjd maybe when im out of this country/place

do you want to change your name?: ifjkksj not rly..??????? i just hated it for a while when i was younger bc i didnt like the nicknames that came with my namejhddh

what time did you wake up this morning: 11am fuck my life

what were you doing last night: giffing :D and then i gave up bc it started messing up so i went to bed

name something you cannot wait for: school to start bc im excited since its a whole new jhhdhsh thng? but im also terrified im learning physics theres a reason why i took biology instead man my course is called biotechnology nothhjjhhjjhsjhhf physics dont interact 

have you ever talked to a person named tom?: the only tom i know is tom from tom and jerry

what’s getting on your nerves right now: the gifs 

blood type: a emoji

nickname: when ging said her answer i lost my mind how many of you arent using ur real names tf... does ging stand for ginger also this question is about me hold onfjdhhhjshd uh egg and meggan i guess? nutfucker toojhdjhhjdh bc that was my ig name so irl ppl would call me that and embarrass me thanks or just nut because of that username too

relationship status: never dated thank god

zodiac sign: capricorn sun and taurus moon im the .optimum dirt call me soil hdjsh also i showed ayesha my chart and she lost her mind saying the reason why i say oh worm so much is bc im like 50% earth i couldnt stop laughing tumblr install a filter search function in chats i need to dig that up 

pronouns: she/her

favorite show: haikyuu i aint gonna stop loving u bitch

college: idk what this means either im not gonna tell yall my school im gonna be doing biotechnology tho trust me i dont know what the fuck that course is about im a fool all i know is that it has to do with cells [changkyun voice] well its cells

hair color: black but i like to think its brown

do you have a crush on someone: crushes and the whole. love game is cursed 

what do you like about yourself: i learn... from my mistakes i guess idk also im generally friendly .         ...

firsts:

first surgery: none

first piercing: none im a [redacted] 

first sport you joined: fucking. golf or swimming or tennis i used to be all about sports now i just. walk 

first vacation: probably malaysia

first pair of sneakers: converse which i used to deem as clown shoes ... now all i wear are converse dkhhdshj

right now:

eating: amylase 

drinking: nothing i need to drink water im thirsty hold on stay hydrated if ur reading this drink some water

i’m about to: pee i need to go, 

listening to: spotify ad time hates me. ill go back to this later oh wait this isnt a spotify ad anymore scavenger by finish ticket who r they? idk either my friend recommends me songs and theyre good but by bands ive never heard of

want kids: no iwnt animals

get married: marriage ? sounds phake

career: ive been saying this since 2016 but farmer

which is better:

lips or eyes: i hate myself i read lips and thought of l** m*nhyuk ;-/ singularity’s impact! and nojhhsjjhdh idk? fucking both i guess ??????? i dont look at peoples faces often

hugs or kisses: depends on the kiss but i love huggingjdhjhd i dont think. id be able to hug certain people tho? which is weird im fine with likejhdhjsjh hugging this person (usually happens when we’re watching movies bc djdkjjs im a [redacted] again so i have to hide my eyes) but i cant imagine myself.. hugging my other friendshjhdh??? idk itd be awkward ig 

shorter or taller: taller ! love me that height if ur below 165 cm dont talk to me

older or younger: older ???? or my age idk 

romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous im always like this with my friendsjhfhjhdh me: hey lets walk there instead my friends: ready tof ucking kill me

sensitive or loud: a ? a mediudndjs like... an in between 

hookup or relationship: preferably nothing but relationship of coursehjhd

troublemaker or hesitant: an inbetween jjdshjshd?? idk shit lads

have you ever:

kissed a stranger: nope

drank hard liquor: drank sparkling water once it counts 

lost contacts/glasses: no im so blind they always have to be on my fucking face 

sex on first date: sex never . 

broken someone’s heart: yeah but when i was kid so it probably didnt mean much 

been arrested: iddjsh i was gonna joke but i cant think of anything so no

turned someone down: jhdhhdjs yeah but mostly like hangouts?? hdjhd not like dates and shit 

fallen for a friend: let me think the first girl i liked wasnt a friend but when we became friends i was like o womrie nvm but she did help me realize im Not straight as did tumblr which even tho i constantly insult it helped me a lot fjdhjhs but my two crushes after were on my friends ;-/ my first crush unfortunately on a guyddhhs wasnt my friend either tho damn now u guys know my whole backstory :D

do you believe:

in yourself: sometimes bitch has 2 get those grades man

miracles: yes you (love live) please come home........ ... .... 

love at first sight: dam. was gonna talk abt anime again but hjhdhshj no ? i guess not maybe like wow ur attractive at first sight but thats it

if u read until the end thank u ur the realest have a good day!!!!!

[diana-panda]

wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a  post, a lil update of my life so I can  continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest