#yeah im still bad at screenshots but idc

[crguang]

also the overalls on Kafka, her in a suit is always so nice, like I need to put on her tie for her and adjust her collar and kiss her goodbye before she goes to kill a ton of people. When she comes home yank her by the tie and kiss her dumb, and the overalls are coming off. Also she’s drinking again, she went to the bar immediately. I rewatched her trailer, like ik she killed all the guards but I need to be one of them, especially the one at the end, idc if I’m gonna get shot, like her pose, the legs? if Kafka did that to me…I would not survive. And I saw a screenshot of her from like an early game trailer like an anime opening type thing with her name in the background …her legs, omg I need her so bad.

I checked her other replies and it was biographical films and she said “I also enjoy the feeling of reading about and watching others' lives” which makes sense, she def likes analyzing people’s lives and stuff smth smth I don’t like the idea of a movie being made abt me w the director’s interpretation of me, which I thought was interesting, bc obv she’s an “actor” if Elio is the director. And the other one is sci-fi and she says smth like they’re set in the future but the past is repeated in the future. Which is silly bc sci-fi still existing in hsr like what are sci-fi movies abt there? I got gifted lavender oil, to help relax my brain or smth, and makes it easier to sleep, so hopefully that helps too.

-🌠

kafka in a suit always does things to me i love her stupid suspenders so much she looks so edible i need to chew her like bubblegum. and yeah i joke abt her always having a drink in hand but it’s kinda true like maybe it’s time for an intervention…..

we dont talk about kafka doing the world a favor by shooting ipc goons in the head often enough. if i was that dude she was leaning over with her boobs in his face and shot me in the face i’d die happy. like what a way to go. need to sit on her lapppp i need it i need it

learning stuff about her makes me smile so big like of course she enjoys getting in people’s heads it’s her whole thing… did she actually say that she wouldn’t want a movie made about her… it makes sense, since she keeps everyone at a distance and keeps her cards close to her chest no one could know her well enough to understand her fully, so their interpretation of her would never be true to the source material. i really love how mysterious she is and how much effort that goes into staying that way like shes so silly😭 i would argue that elio is also an actor though, he doesn’t control her and hes also just “destiny’s slave”. the scripts/possibilites are already written, he just relays them and twists them to his advantage.

the line about the past repeating itself in the future also makes sense considering that she follows the path of finality, in a “we come from the earth we’ll go back to the earth” kind of way… she also says something similar in a voice line (the past and the future are so similar to each other. i’m indifferent towards them) and im starting to understand what she means by that, even tho im still a little confused about what future she’s talking about. cause she clearly cares about hers lol

[sociallyawkward--fics]

HEY BACK AGAIN. idk how long its been cuz mobile is trash but me n my friend were talking abt how we were in a lot of the same fandom spaces as kids. Sanders sides being one of them. n i was like..... Long shot but do u know sociallyawkward--fics.. n at first they were like no i dont think so.. but then they looked u up n went OH MY GOD YEA??? ill send u a screenshot off anon but i told them we were friends n they said it was like finding out i knew a celebrity LMAO -H (ironic considering theyre prob more popular on ao3 than u😭 they briefly turned back into a 12yo fanboy)

its still so crazy to me ive known u for so long n met him like 3-4 years ago worlds collide ..... Also u can post this though im off anon if u want idc -H

ALSO. since im here. idk if i ever told u my age but when i sent my first ask to u i was probably 11. maybe 10 even. im turning 18 in a couple months now. its hard to bring myself to read some of the asks (ok most of the asks) i sent u over the years bc i was an incredibly anxious and awkward autistic kid. But u always treated me with so much love hahakjs at the time i was rly struggling n had very few friends n AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME CRINGE TO LOOK BACK ON u were honestly the only older person i could talk to n it rly meant a lot lol. im so much more confident n comfortable in myself than i was all those years ago n ik i dont send u asks nearly as frequently anymore but tbh even if eventually its only once every few years ill always think back on u so fondly n gratefully. Neway i literally hate being sappy so ill shut up here but yeah. Thanks n such -H

ALSO IDK IF UR ACTIVE ON AMY SOCIAL MEDIA RLY?? BUT IF U R I CAN GIVE U SOME OF MY SOCIALS mostly i just tweet abt my day occasionally on twitter but i also have a sideblog where i post art. just thinking that maybe then i wouldnt have to be like 'and heres a quick summary of the past 8 months' n u could check up on me whenever instead of only seeing me when i send asks😭 -H (its also so less formal cuz when i send in asks u Gotta respond whereas if i post 'just ate a kickass burger' u can just. Like it. idk idc either way but lmk ^__^)

-----------------------------------

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ANSWER THESE FOR MONTHS SINCE I'VE BEEN USING TUMBLR AGAIN AND MY LACK OF OBJECT PERMANENCE HAD ME KEEP FORGETTING I AM SO SORRY 😭😭😭😭

dkjfhkdhf omg that is so wild that you have a friend who also knows about me dkjfhdsf Sanders Sides (back when it was waaaaay smaller of a fandom lol) was the first (and tbh only, really) fandom where i had any real level of "popularity" as a fic writer, and i fed off that high for SO LONG lol -- hearing that people were obsessed with my work, both then and now after the fact, is genuinely so surreal dfkjhdjkfh like. i am just Here, i am just Some Dude who wrote some words that got them weirdly popular at 17-18 dkjsfhdkjfh (also cuz i try to gather all your asks into one post, you continue to remain anonymous just cuz i copy-pasted them into the post in the same order they were received lol)

Dude it is CRAZY that you are almost 18 (or, by the time i am finally managing to answer this with my Bad Brain Powers procrastinating it so long, already 18) -- I looked back and I was 18 when you sent your first ever ask to me dkjfhdf that's so wild. I am so honored that you saw me as an older person you could come and talk to, even if it was just through anonymous tumblr asks for the past 6+ years lol. I always think of you fondly too, and I am so proud of you for the way you've grown up and grown into your confidence

ALSO YOU CAN TOTALLY SEND ME YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA djfdjdsjkf you can absolutely send me any of your socials!!! I know your main blog because you've sent some asks without it (have I ever remembered to follow it??? I meant to but I can't remember, this is also a Brain Forget-y Accidental Procrastination thing), but I would LOVE to see your art sideblog and def feel free to send me your twitter!! I have not opened my twitter in like. 3 months, because i was having Unhealthy Habits so i tucked the app into a pocket out of site and stopped using it for a while, but I am doing better now and would definitely open it back up more often again to see what you were up to

Also!!! You can always feel free to DM me on any of my blogs/sideblogs here on tumblr, too! You don't have to wait to send an ask (though I love receiving asks from you, don't ever feel like you have to stop even if we connect elsewhere!), you can always DM me on any of my blogs (or on any other socials we may exchange, too!)

[safewarmbubbly]

Meet Thalia Everblade

Race: Human

Age: Around 20 during the personal story.

Profession: Mesmer

Struggling in back alleys in Divinity’s Reach for all of her life, Thalia has grown into a young lady with an enjoyment for all things entertainment and mischief.

Having missed a chance to join the circus as a kid, she was overjoyed to be sent by Captain Thackeray to investigate the case of a missing child by joining the circus.

Dressing up with the prettiest of costumes pieces and glamour, she’s sure to dazzle audiences and shock foes in the future.

[yongislong]

tiktok prank 2 + 127.

genre: nonidol!127 reacting to you not saying i love you back hehe, fluff, angst maybe? domestic, established relationships. nonidol!127

note: hiii tysm for requesting anon! i hope this lives up to your expectations haha, i had a hard time writing this and tbh im not really happy with it :(, lmk what you all think though! reqs are open! not proofread haha

taeil... says it before he leaves for his night shift. you just reply with a simple "okay darling, be safe!" and he freezes. not down For The Games. stomps back to you crossing his arms, tapping his foot, while unknowingly pouting. you play with him even more by asking him if he forgot anything. he loses it. he catches on that you're messing with him as you try to bite your cheeks to hold in your smile but still plays along bc he thinks this prank is lame regardless!! "YA! I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION!"

johnny... makes his signature confused face after you hang up the phone with a simple "bye babe!" ponders. is sitting in bed replaying every single sentence he contributed during that conversation lol. takes it upon himself to face time you and ask you if maybe, possibly, by chance... you are mad about something. you can't help but laugh and he hangs up. you send him a tiktok of someone doing the same thing and he sends you back a screenshot with your contact name being changed to "pathological liar" with a picture of the joker... thinks its peak comedy

taeyong... pouts. if you don't say you love him back as soon as he pats your head to grab something from the vending machine next to the library, he's so lost. im sorry he's so babygirl i feel like he would actually get so confused. he's the only one who has a public tiktok account and tbh, i feel like he would be addicted to it as a uni student so you really don't think it's gonna work but his overthinking lead to not being able to form valid thoughts lol. immediately sits back down and pulls your chair up to his knees and traps you until you say it back or tell him why you never said it, intense eye contact lol.

yuta... i feel like people would peg him as being annoyed or even borderline mean but i feel like he would be so worried. just expected you to say it after he shouted it before closing the front door behind him and it takes him half a second before he's back inside trying to look for you and asking you whats wrong. you feel so bad LMAO. "you know you can tell me anything right, like literally anything, and it doesn't have to be right know you know, just-!" yeah you kiss him to shut him up. you lie and pretend you didn't hear him because you cannot bare to tell him it was a prank lol :(

doyoung... IM ON MY POUTY DOIE AGENDA idc yes he's grown but i feel like he would absolutely be like "hmmhph???" whiny. "say it baaaackkkkuuhhhghh!!!" you love to mess with him though so you pretend you have no idea what he's talking about. literally shakes it out of you. like grabs your shoulders and squeezes and hugs and twists and lifts and shakes you LMAOOO. if you're both laying down he would start being so annoying and trying to push you off him. he's back to normal once you say it back. he sees the prank a week later online and he sends you the link followed by many frowny emojis

jaehyun... not playing these games fr LMAO. like i've said before i think he's more like... frat boy ish however i think he would really care about whoever he's with, so like yuta, i think he'd be more worried about why you didn't say i love you back after he did before bed, than anything else. he sits up and asks if he did something today that upset you, but you tell him it was a prank. says its an evil prank and demands you delete tiktok immediately lol. i think he would be out of touch with the internet PFT so he's more lost than annoyed or pouty yknow? doesn't get the prank PFTT he's like "that's so mean :("

jungwoo... SOO ANNOYED. 127 said he's actually really manly when he's not on camera but i feel like he'd have a soft spot for you regardless. would be sooo confused before it turns into annoyance. keeps following you around like a puppy and whenever you look at him he gives you the most sassy facial expressions ever. like full nine yards with the eye roll, scoff, crossing his arms, etc. "helloo???" won't stop following you. lives for the silent treatment tbh. it eventually gets too much when you call for toilet paper from your shared bathroom and he ignores you LMAO. says it was a stupid prank and to not do it again but he's smiling and boops your nose while he says it

mark... oh my god please. he's such a gen z, yet he's always a month behind every trend so this completely went over his head. like yuta and jae, is just wondering if he did something wrong. can't live with himself until he gets to the bottom of it. he says it to you over the phone and when you hang up after saying "me too!" he wonders why you didn't actually say i love you. needless to say he walks across campus all the way to your dorms and shows up at your door, scratching the back of his neck asking shyly why you didn't say it back. you play dumb and pretend to not know what it is lol. you admit its a prank after you see him getting flustered and stuttering PFT. you both stay up watching a ton of tiktoks of people doing the trend, he has a lot of opinions on other peoples relationships LMAOO

haechan... please don't ever try and do this to him. he's going to go to the ends of the earth to annoy you. after you don't say it, he gives you that cocky smirk and head tilt while laughing like a mobster LOL. will say it until you say it back, doesn't matter how long it takes. knows its a prank but doesn't care because, to be honest has been waiting for you to try this on him just so he has the excuse to be clingy and follow you around the apartment. and oh boy, he does not let you go until you say it back. tickles it out of you. says the only way to be able to forgive you is to watch disney's hercules together while cuddling

[ablednt]

responding to the dream stuff you've mentioned cause im confused on some things

wheres like, proof of his jokes? cause i've heard that he's made racist jokes but not what the jokes are, when he said it, and why each joke would be bad (the last part really only important for learning about why something is racist)

on one hand, yeah those jokes are horrible, but they are normalized and not specifically a "dream bad" thing. i havent seen dream specifically make that kind of joke tho

i vaguely remember hearing of this but also like. didnt he stream at the end of the month ?? at the very end, but still

most confused about this one, when has he ever mentioned this? i've never really seen anyone advocate for doxing, let alone dream

I just reblogged a carrd with proof of literally all of this sans the last one also for someone who "doesn't know a lot about the dsmp" you certainly are acting like you do lmao?

The last one is on his twitter somewhere, might've gotten deleted idk and idfc the rest of this should be enough for you anyway

Whilst I'm on the carrd though, here:

[ID A tweet from dream that shows a google screenshot, he is googling the word "slaves" on the toolbar the word shopping is circled in red. Underneath this screenshot there's a picture of the stonks meme but with a minecraft villager over it. End ID]

[ID tweets from dream2, a locked side account of dreams, in order they read:

"Look at all the offended people in the comments of this video, oh wait, there's literaly none

Native americans don't "own" screaming while flicking your tongue around. Of course war is offensive, people die. Saying "vive la resistance" is I'm sure offensive to french people. Plus, I literally have native american in my blood.

If you're offended, fuck off, literally could [sic] care less. It's not offensive and don't be a baby. Get off my account if you want to critique people having fun in a block game.

End ID]

When he streamed during pride month it was literally on a side account with less followers and for less than 2 hours and in response to criticism instead of admitting he dropped the ball or doing queer charity streams outside of pride month to make up for it he had this "joke" to make lol

[ID tweet from dream that says "I'm baiting the LGBTQ+ community into subscribing to me for gay content didn't you hear [there is an ear emoji here] open your ears weirdo. End ID]

In addition to all this on the carrd that I reblogged there's mention of him making pedophilic comments, using the r slur in a derogatory way (like idc if you're neurodivergent that's not how reclaimation works lmao), and the like. Moreover the rest of his smp members are all doing similar shit, making similar jokes, joking about rape and mocking George Floyd and a lot of other stuff.

So like lmao nice try pretending that some of the most hotly debated racists around right now are really hard to find any info/proof on. This is just embarrassing please do better.

[volfoss]

daiya, miraschon, and hmm abbacchio!

already got daiya here! apologizing for not having reread part 6 in like a year so not remembering a lot and also for my brain being like v far from part 5 so these might be kind of short, im sorry :(

Miraschon:

do I like them: uh from what i remember i think so?? SO is so blurry in my memory so i apologize </3

5 good qualities:

1. from what i remember shes like a menacey as fuck character and thats soooo fun like yes!!!

2. OMG YEAH YEAH THE UHHH THE SCENE W PUCCI!!!! that was a rly good scene

3. shes so ourple omg...

4. her stnad looks like its wearing a uhhhh welding mask thingie i love it <3

5. shes like d'arby adjacent ig? in the way some of her mannerisms r similar when i was looking up panels <3

3 bad qualities:

1. lowkey hate her hair but its like idk not the worst hair choice its just rly strange?

2. didnt get enough screentime for me to rly come up w more im sorry :(

favourite episode/etc: i rly liked the uhhh baseball arc that was a fun one <3

otp: well >:) her and delilah obvi <3

brotp: uhhh i think she and gwess are friends unless im going solely off of fanon in which case oops sorry :(

ot3: uh none? idk i cant think of any sorry

notp: none rly??

best quote: every single time she says good... that stuck in my head for some reason but i love it

head canon: loves her lil gf <3

Abbacchio:

do I like them: yeah hes rly good hes just like idk hes rly good...

5 good qualities:

1. hes so fucking ourple oh my goddddd (except in ghgr where hes blonde but we dont talk abt that)

2. him and bruno oughhhh

3. his past and like how it still affects him i just guhhh its done rly well

4. his stupid little overcoat thingie... he just refuses to wear a shirt its funny like good for him

5. OMG HOW HE UHHH KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF THAT ONE CIVILIAN!! VERY FUNNY!

3 bad qualities:

1. the uhh teapot thing :(

2. how he is towards giorno omg its like... this isnt necessary bud

3. this mans hair is the bane of my existence when i recolor anime screenshots... its soo long and so many straight lines i hate it

favourite episode/etc: during the uhhh mitm fight those were good

otp: bruabba easy!

brotp: hes not rly like friends w anyone in the main group?? idk closest is maybe nancia?

ot3: none!

notp: abbagio... die!!

best quote: him refusing to let giorno see his stand is always rly funny to me like hes so protective over it for no reason

head canon: nonbinary as fuck idc <3

[energyanon]

Surprise reading as I can’t seem to shake off the curiosity. Ok, I’m gonna set them up in relation to this drama. Personally, I don’t believe it. NV would have to have various personality disorders in order for this to be true, among 5000 other reasons why that is not normal, sane human behaviour. But the Instagram.. so many things don’t match up. However, both me and another anon felt fuzzy headed when we were representing her.. maybe it’s not just her overthinking, maybe it’s something more relating to some kind of disorder, but that’s not my place to say. Let’s check it out. Once again I’m gonna type as I go.

I’ve decided for three set ups here: 1. NV, 2. The group chat as a whole as cited on said Instagram, and 3. Henry.

Set up 2. (The GC) first. I picked up NV and got a headache.

First flag: Natalie wanted to be on top of the GC… that’s weird..

Henry is at a distance but he is staring at them both. Starting to feel like I may have been wrong in my judgment here ha.. 😬 I’m really hoping it’s not true cause otherwise that’s fucking sad and NV has genuine issues. But, I’m ok with being wrong.

Alright, let’s start as NV (cause GC, I feel I already know their feelings regardless of if it’s true or not) FYI, I have moved NV to being close but not on top, as one energy on top of - group of energies would be much too hard to decipher.

NV:

Immediate dizziness. I feel very hot and my air con is currently blasting down upon me so it’s not me. The group chat feels very little to NV. like tiny, as in I could step on them. (1. This can mean they’re not even being seen, she barely cares about them, or 2. Can feel more powerful than) as we know in the screenshots the latter was supposedly the case, so I’m not going to cross that out just yet, but it feels more like I’m just not even seeing them. they’re dirt under my feet. They don’t really have her attention and she’s not super bothered by them, but once I brought her attention to it She does want to stamp it out, it’s a complete nuisance. She wants to cover them up. I gave them a little tap, which ended turning into many taps which turned into actually wanting to destroy their rep all together. so she’s angry about it. (At this point I don’t know if she’s angry about This situation being a lie, as in she’s sick of these people doing this to her, or if she’s genuinely angry at the group for exposing her) the tiny dirt now feels a bit bigger but more like a basketball sized nuisance. She still feels bigger than them, it’s just that this is so ANNOYING. Still wants to rip them up into little pieces, she’s annoyed, she’s moving me around a whole bunch, she’s angry, she’s frustrated, she’s tying her hair up, she’s not having it. like it’s fucking annoying. this is all so ANNOYING. She’s stressed, she’s annoyed, she wants this over and done with.

No more energy shifts. Incoming questions.

Q: do you know them?

No I don’t fucking know them

Ok do you think that was a friend who exposed you?

I don’t know I can’t think I- (just a bunch of profanities) [note: it’s like she’s keyboard smashing in my brain right now it’s REALLY annoyed]

Jaw clenched, I’m swaying from side to side my hands are on my hips, hair away from my face I want to move somewhere else but I need to deal with THIS FUCKING THING FIRST ISHDJFKSJXJDSNX.

god it is SO ANNOYING like if you guys were all in front of me right now you’d be heading me yelling and screaming and So irritated I’m so I’m SO Annoyed. I can’t even think of any other questions to ask cause I’m too busy getting keyboard smashed atm.

I’m gonna move to the group to just see if the intentions there are legit. I need a break from NV.

Ok the group:

the group have some anxiety, stomach dropped. They’re not angry they’re just looking at NV. None of them can be sure if It was NV - I think some of them doubt but it was a “get it out just in case” situation. At least one of them feel bad. Nervous jitters from my right leg. You know how you fidget when you’re waiting to get in trouble?

Q: do you believe it was NV?

There are many of them so I’ll just say it as it came up. No (1) I don’t know (majority) one of them is a yeah, feels like the leader of the group but even then the yeah isn’t a solid resounding yeah. But it’s also not like a “yeaahhh?” It’s like I’m just gonna make a decision and it’s yeah.

Q: are you mad that nv is with Henry

I’m not mad (1)

We’re not mad, we just think he could do better. (Majority)

Q: why did you do this

To expose her

Q: why to expose her if you didn’t truly believe it was her

There is a very weak “it was the right thing to do” like.. when I say weak it feels like they don’t even believe that, but they’ve convinced themselves it is..?

Q: at any point did you lie or fabricate the screenshots?

Resounding no, but one solid yes from someone.

Q: Yes?

One of them.

Q: which one

(I was shown one of them, it was one of the purple and black ones, one where there isn’t much purple - I’ll have to check it after)

Ok, my leg isn’t going crazy anymore - there is just an expectant waiting. They’re looking at NV, she’s taller than them but not much taller (not like they’re a basketball being looked down upon, just normal human heights) the feeling is just waiting. Waiting to see if there is a response. That’s it, that’s all I’ve been given I can’t even conjure Up another question. (Sometimes when the energy is done sharing its just done, I can’t force it past that and I’m not in my right to)

Checking Henry:

Henry is tired, he’s disillusioned, he’s just staring into space. The other two are in front of him (facing one another) but he doesn’t see them. Genuinely no thoughts from him it’s complete disassociation. But I did ask if he knew about this situation, he doesn’t seem to know yet.

And yet he’s still disassociating.. the thought “I don’t know what to do” came up, but it was so slow and fractured it was like… you know that video of that kid who’s trying to say have you ever had a dream that you could do anything but he muddles it up for 20 seconds before getting to it? It’s like that (I’ll link it when I’m done)

“I don’t kn- I just I - what do I ev- wh-“ and it keeps going but imagine it taking FOREVER for him to say it.

He’s stuck in the disassociation. Weird choice, but I need to do it. I’m gonna slap him. (Which yes, means slapping myself)

Ok, that didn’t make much difference, he’s still super tired, he still didn’t see the other two but I tried to bring his attention to NV and he was already turning around to leave “I don’t care, I don’t care I’m too tired” and then he turned back and said to NV to clarify “I do care, but I don’t, I’m tired” and I took him out cause he was walking out of there anyway.

Back to NV one last time, and then I’m doing other stuff with my day and then I’ll do CE tonight.

NV

It’s always dizziness with this chick, I swear. Everytime im with her I’m dizzy, I’m losing blood pressure. She’s calmed down at least but fuck I’m dizzy more dizzy than I usually am (can be her, could also be me continuously going into different energies, I don’t tend to feel like this though but don’t rule it out)

Dizzy, Im not tired, but fatigued like I don’t need to sleep, I need to just lay down. I see the GC but they can fuck off I don’t care. She wants to kick them out of the way. As soon as she does she wants to leap out at them and tear them to shreds. She goes from 1- 100 real quick. I don’t want her to destroy my representative for the group, cause I don’t want anything to accidentally manifest in real time for the actual group, so im going to create a little thing that she can destroy instead - just in case there are any energetic consequences of her destroying the representation of the GC. Found a little piece of paper I called it placebo GC and we’re tearing it up.

Ok so, I got her to tear up Placebo GC. She got raveonous with it. I am now coming to believe that NV has some major anger issues. To be fair, im feeling how annoyed she is and I get it honestly it’s the only way to get out this level of emotion. It’s not healthy, therapy is needed for sure, but I’m not gonna sit here like this and say that she’s overreacting cause when you’re feeling like she is, there’s no where else for this to go

She ripped them up, crushed them, tore at them with her teeth, crushed them into a little ball again and chucked them away and then we just screamed “FUCK!” For literally about 3 minutes and she was LIVID. I’ve sat her down now while I write this, she’s still annoyed, she’s not livid.

Interesting to note though, all throughout the screaming there was never a single thought that came up that was like “why can’t they just let US live, why can’t we just BE together” she really doesn’t seem to care about the affect it has on her and Henry’s relationship, she’s just annoyed people are talking shit. Like she just doesn’t care that people won’t accept them.

Oh! I haven’t checked on her vs. HC so lemme do that. I wanna see if she checks up on him too, cause from a normal relationship perspective, this would affect him too. But let’s see.

Yup, ok, nothing from her end, if anything she’s giving him the silent treatment. Like she’s looking at him in the way you do when your partner has said something stupid and you’re too angry to answer. But she doesn’t care that he’s there. I went to him also to see if he would comfort her and he was just a brick wall, kind of more like “here I am I’m showing up but idc. I really idc. Sorry that you’re going through it I guess.” Both of them had the ~aura~ (I don’t know how to explain it on text) of “this did not go as planned” however, they didn’t SAY that, just as an FYI, it was just a bit of a shared feeling translated into words.

That’s it. I’m ending it there. I’ve got life admin to do, be back later for a CE reading as promised. :)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@uberoll-oystercrackers putting this PT convo on blast just for the sake of switching to this format where u don’t have to break everything up via replies because [comically deep inhale]

honestly like idc idc i guess ppl are just like “uhh mytho’s got nothing going on b/c he has no feelings!!” like Yeah Correct, that’s a premise / inciting factor for this series and everything everyone’s doing lol, it’s only Boring if you don’t think about the character at all lmfao which i guess some ppl don’t, but like, there’s only 4 of them.....it’s Wildly Interesting that he literally has no feelings at first, like, for one thing it’s cool how there’s always the Idea of characters who don’t have emotions or act on them, but this is like the rare “realistic” situation where having no feelings means he needs someone to steer him around and make choices for him (and how Vulnerable that leaves him lmfao like episode 2 is wild but also that ppl just haven’t really realized that they Could just pick mytho up and pitch him into a wall, and fakir and rue are sort of careful neutral alliance keeping tabs on him) and you know, the whole s1 structure of mytho regaining both Capacity For / Experience of An Emotion and his sense of identity and by extent of all this his agency, and how like, Thematic everything surrounding this character is that’s reflected in the overall series like. trying to control someone for your own benefit vs being willing to sacrifice your own interests (and then some...) for their freedom & the Protecting Someone (And/Or Wanting To) As A Love Language that all the characters show for each other at various points & hope vs despair.......and like No Shit he’s dispassionate & passive b/c he can’t Feel Feelings & resultantly can’t make decisions or feel motivations but obviously he’s still Motivating other characters to act on his behalf, & there’s so much mystery & drama already in “yeah this guy you think is just a neat handsome guy is also an actual prince from a story who’s Real & sacrificed his heart in the fight with an evil giant raven monster that eats people & so he can’t feel anything or remember who he is” like damn!!! epic of him even if right now he can’t do much of anything on his own. i’m interested, and then i’m Interested every time in the Drama & Mystery of this person regaining parts of himself and completely rediscovering An Emotional Experience and how that is totally recontextualizing his entire existence for him.....

plus also even though “person literally lost heart via magic and doesn’t know what Feeling Things is” isn’t a We’ve All Been There situation i was like oh and you know it’s not like what mytho’s got going on isn’t potentially Relatable....can get into a side essay about dapressione and trauma and other types of stuff that can make it seem like someone can’t/shouldn’t have full access to their feelings / self / agency &/or it’s Dangerous if they try.....whew

but continuing on YEAH ugh just completely fascinated with mytho the Entire Time actually lol like, i’ve tended to lose steam in early s2 b/c he’s sort of Less involved beyond the [hehe time to cause some trouble in this particular ep] role lol but even so it’s like well it’s kinda fun when at least somebody’s being a bitch who lives for drama lmfaooooo & we get mytho Struggling Internally & sometimes punching through that way but again it’s like yeah oops the guy was basically autonomous but zwoop here’s a problem where that doesn’t mean shit anymore lol b/c he’s got this alternate evil self steering the ship all the time now lol got em.....the Peak of that i guess is where we get to have an epic swordfight between raven!mytho and fakir like you know what fuck yes!!! the intrinsic drama of that lmfao!!!! and then it’s like “oh no :/ loving the drama? that’s just what drosselmeyer wants” except Not b/c actually what makes it totally rule is that it’s this chance for Real Mytho to come through for the sake of protecting fakir (tbt “i wonder what i think of you, fakir”...) and really like that being what prompts fakir’s “you know what, even though before i was afraid my role as a knight would kill Me and i’m afraid my coincidental(?) role as a guy who can Reality Write could kill Anyone Else, i gotta try b/c that’s the only thing i could possibly do here and i want to try protecting everyone else b/c everyone else including mytho is protecting Me” and like augh everyone is so Thoughtful about how to try to help mytho out even as like, they can’t hardly interact with him or undo the situation lol.....as you’re getting into the series finale and everyone’s just outright Voicing things and you get “i/we want to protect mytho” like 32x and it’s beautiful each time ;___; like and well sorry but him & his heart/lack of are also the heart of the whole story here.....

and you know what *i* want to protect mytho, sympathizing with all the characters like fuck yes you’re so right, this guy rules, episode 6 aka The Fear Episode is SO good, like, you’ve gotten kinda used to the episodic format here, ep 5 did sure also make it obvious that things are Building on what’s happening prior here & that there’s stakes and stuff but it’s such a shakeup, like, that maybe just kinda sneakily dipping in and out of the arena giving back a piece of his heart until it’s done with, no problem, Isn’t Gonna Happen, and again, the Drama of it all......that the heart shards are yeah kind of their own People who are these fractions of mytho’s self and the way you interact with them is gonna like, affect things, since tutu didn’t like “resolve” things with that heart shard and just kinda got him on a technicality there lmfao so it’s like, yeah not only does mytho have a more general / abstract cause to be afraid of tutu & her bringing all these Unknowns & completely new things to him / changing things up and apparently introducing conflict, but you’ve gone and gotten his capacity for fear all recently riled up and specifically afraid of his interaction with You from 5 sec ago, and how could anyone know this mysterious magical being giving you Negative Feelings is like, Safe......and i’m sure it’s all compounding here, like, it’s Wild to be suddenly experiencing A Feeling for the (seeming) first time, and that in itself sure could be Scary, he just hasn’t had the proper emotion available with with to Be Afraid, now he’s gotten back a freshly stoked (capacity for) Fear and how off the shits it must be to be afraid for the first time anyways, or to be feeling the other stuff for the first time, and who knows what Unfun Feelings could come next, there’s a lot to freak out about.......and not like it’s trying That hard to never suggest like oh fakir's not that bad even though he’s technically an antagonist at the start b/c of being at odds with / against the protagonist, it’s pretty telling there lol like he’s unhappy with mytho having feelings again at all and has already been getting mad about it but is just being Helpful here and trying to comfort him, like aw that’s neat i think it’s nice, and again throwing it back to “I Wonder What I Think Of You, Fakir” you get fakir reassuring mytho that nobody but him is around, and mytho having this capacity for Fear is choosing to confide in fakir re: what he’s dealing with here (not that this would on it’s own be some guarantee that mytho’s Right to be unafraid of fakir, but, knowing all we eventually know...) like again lol it’s funny that drosselmeyer’s loving the Drama of mytho only having regained Negative Feelings like, i mean i’m soaking it in as well but it’s like, that guy’s all about Angst and it’s like no im here all about the Hurt/Comfort more like, thank you lmfao

it’s also SO good how it’s like, the next episode is turning around & giving the story a way forward not by like, oh let’s just counteract this Fear mytho’s struggling with by returning the....emotion of Courage i guess, but rather by giving him back Curiosity to ultimately lead to him actually seeking a conversation with tutu.......and it’s like AUGH it’s soooo fun that he goes to that river and has a conversation with his own heart shard lmfao like that’s you!!! and that You does not realize you’re them!!! that’s wild and i love it......wait i took low res screenshots when i rewatched this a few weeks ago lmfao

i Love it lmfao like it’s Such a good choice to have him not only have lost his Emotions but also memories / knowledge of who he, himself, even is.....like yeah man it was all on you to fight this heart eating raven monster!!!!!!!!! which you know, it’s also Fun that earlier in that episode when he and fakir are hanging out in the secret Problems Mill (which....fakir is hilarious like that lmfao. whole other tangent here like ppl are not only rolling with Animals As People but stuff like “yeah fakir might just be like ‘oops gotta go!’ and whisk mytho away to various out of the way Locations” like lmfao these teens have some free rein, but it’s nothing compared to s2 where it’s like “They Were Roommates but ig fakir tried to kill mytho who’s now being really dramatic and weird which is v different from before and maybe he’s in love with that one random dude who’s around now, which sucks for everyone else, oops now he’s just like Vanishing for god knows how long at a time it’s fine!!!!” lmfao like god. ballet school just is like that sometimes...) anyways Yeah that mytho’s been having nightmares about the raven and fakir is just going like IT’S FINE JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT lol and knowing fakir is also being pretty driven / restricted by fear, reasonably, as he thinks (well. and is correct) that he’s The Knight and his fate is literally written as “yeah if the story gets going and you’re a part of it you’ll just be killed” like yeah, oof......Wonder What I Think Of You Fakir like yeah AND he is that knight you actually did know who was suddenly killed trying to protect you and he’s sorta accepted that role again except he’s not really a fan of that Being Killed thing so here we’re having some issues in his misguided approach here re: Mytho Should Not Get His Heart Back, but he’s also trying to protect them Both from the story, and he’s only So Willing to act Against mytho, like, well hey thanks for apologizing after you hit him and then like, not doing that anymore lol, v reasonable how he’s struggling here lol where he’s trying to Protect mytho but the story a) wants to invite tragedy and b) has already said that The Knight has been / will be killed and can’t actually protect the prince within the story, also c) he’s just like one random high school guy out here......and also that it must just be kinda hard to adapt to this changing situation where mytho Is regaining this sense of self and motivation, but for like the past decade or whatever he Has needed fakir to just be in charge and tell him what to do all the time and, if he had the sense of what it was to trust someone, trust fakir to just always be acting in his best interest, but then mytho’s idea of his own best interest a) starts to Exist and b) is at odds w/fakir’s b/c also c) he doesn’t have All his feelings yet, Or all his memories, while fakir is like “noooo i know the story”.....like there was never any need to just like tell him he sucks at random times lol but it’s also kind of funny that’s just part of fakir’s shtick, calling mytho a dumbass one more time when he’s just fully himself as The Prince again lmfaooo. but prior to that, surely fakir could wonder what mytho thinks of him (or potentially Could think of him) too.......it’s just soooo good when mytho is like, expressing things verbally while trying to work through / figure out Feelings and even ones that he doesn’t have back yet, and it’s always fun how that inevitably throws off whatever character he’s musing about this to......including whenever ahiru’s just like “oh fuck yes he can do this b/c he has more feelings back now, that rules” and/or “aw :( he’s struggling w/this b/c he only has Some of his heart back”

and also that reminds me it’s SO good when the characters just kinda get to Do Something together lmfao like. ahiru and rue hanging out when looking for mytho that one time, iconic stuff, mytho and ahiru hanging out in the previous episode, iconic, maybe it kills me that in the first ep of s2 you have mytho saying ahiru’s his friend and the only person he feels like he can tell anything (and ahiru feeling bad she hasn’t Told Him Everything lol) and then he basically never gets to interact with her again knowing and as himself like Scream it’s fine ;v; !!!!!! let these people spend more than 3 seconds together Interacting lmfao it’s soooo good when they do :’0

and THEN you get into how there’s all this stuff re: The Story, like, fakir is the reincarnated knight, ahiru is the duck given tutu’s abilities Via a piece of mytho’s heart, but we had the original knight and tutu in the story as these actual ppl who we only hear a Little bit of lore about, but mytho actually knew / knows, and like, the original genesis for tutu only being on 1 Page of the story and apparently drosselmeyer doesn’t even really put any thought into what her motivations could be lol like yeah idk whatever she wants to marry the prince or whatever so that’s why she loves him and Says It and disappears......and like we have almost No direct info about her but uh nbd at least some of her actual essence is actually now an intrinsic part of mytho’s actual heart and specifically embedded in the heart shard of Hope, like damn!!!! you Know there was something more Real and Complex going on there and i love it so much.......and the original Knight, lohengrin.....might have been doomed to be unable to protect mytho with his sword, but there’s other ways to protect that guy and Someone needed to be doing it.......i’m just like wow mytho’s gf and bf!!!! and they both sort of died but hey. there’s still a lot to think about

so yeah lmfao love that you can originally see this series like, a decade ago and here it is like damn still lying down / yelling / generally riled up about mytho and just having So Much to think about / appreciate from this series like. it’s so Singular and has so much going on.......cherish it and i’m just still anytime like [epcot vine voice] Mytho...........

[anxiousnerdwritings]

Ok so this is gonna look weird since im doing this on my computer and i might have some uppercase sentences but hopefully this works and if it doesnt f also first time submitting and it might not show up as anonymous so f to me again help m e anyway if this doesnt work then i'll just continue to send in works through asks bc i cant figure shit out lmao.

-Knull anon

~~~~

You stopped for a moment before saying, “damian, you’re supposed to be with batman trying to fight the other batman, why are you here?” Damian seemed to freeze up, but before he could explain anything, you pressed on. “And what happened to your costume? I don't think he would let you get a new one.”

The 4 strange batkids who seemed to appear out of nowhere stood there not knowing what to do, and as you sat there wondering why they seemed like they were… before the joker gas, you also had to wonder why they were there. Who were they? Where were they from? The other batkids got killed when… “batman” killed them.

One of the kids you recognized was Cassandra, if you remember correctly. It was strange seeing her so.. Well, alive. You never met the actual batkids before, since the batman who laughs only found you after a reign of chaos, but you had heard about them, and in some files you found when you had a bit more freedom, they spoke of who they were and what they could do. Of course you had to put them back when your “dad” came back around, but you were still able to read some of them. 

The others you couldn’t remember as well, since you were only able to read up on 2 or 3 batkids. However, you weren’t able to think about that when one of them, who looked a little tiny and had a staff said “we need to find somewhere to hide, those robins are coming back down.”

Oh fuck, I forgot, I asked them to bring some food down! Well, now I feel bad about being hungry…

You were about to let them hide in your room, but then you saw the blasted door and thought, yeah, that's not gonna work. You looked around and remembered that stupid hiding place you found a couple of weeks ago while playing the robins version of hide and seek. It was such a good hiding spot that your “dad” actually had to come and drag you out.

Yeah, it wasn't a fun time.

But at least now you have a hiding spot. You motioned for them to follow you down the large hallway, and then opened up two double doors. Inside was a room of sculptures from all over the place. You walked them over to a sculpture of a man who appeared to be crying while sitting on a bench, and let them behind it. There was a small gap that you squeezed through and pressed 6 tiles in a pattern, before it revealed a sort of bunker like room. You led them inside and right as you were able to hear the screeching of the robins, you closed the door.

*

You sat there for about 10 minutes before you heard things quieting down. For the most part you heard the robins stomping around, trying to find you. You were honestly surprised to see that they didn’t just look where you were last time. A question pulled you from listening to the thumps.

“Why did you recognize Damian's voice?” you turned around and saw the same boy who had alerted you of the robins approaching had asked you. You turned to him fully before explaining, “this… earths, I guess you could call it, batman did have a damian wayne, but when he… ya know, became evil, he turned damian into one of them. He really doesn’t speak unless spoken to, which is also really rare. I was just surprised to see you since I thought you were supposed to be with him while they fight that one earths batman.”

Damian gave you a weird look and said, “I'm not the Damian from this earth, as you call it.”

You stared at him for a moment before going back to your mind. Not from my earth? What does he mean by that? Besides, what's with all the other batkids being alive? And even if they are here, and from a different earth, what would they be looking for? Was it money? No, batkids from all over never really want money, they want to follow, well, batman. So that means their batman must’ve sent them here. But why?

You turned back to the batkid with a staff and asked, “I'm sorry, I've never heard of you, what's your name?”

You saw Cassandra hold her hand to her mouth while Damian seemed to smile. Probably just your imagination, though. “Red Robin.” he said, as he looked down, seemingly a little embarrassed.

You tried to remember who had that name, but nothing came up, until….

“Oh, I remember now! You're the one that likes coffee, right?” he scratched the back of his neck, before nodding.

Cassandra was the next to ask questions. “Why don't you know the robins from this earth?” you leaned back into the wall behind you and said, “easy, I wasn’t there when you all died.” the mood immediately died after you said that, and it became extremely awkward. 

Damian asked, “why are you even here?” “I'm supposed to know? I don't even know why he didn’t kill me to be honest with you.” 

Damian asked, “why are you even here?” “I'm supposed to know? I don't even know why he didn’t kill me to be honest with you.” 

Damian was about to ask something else when his comm beeped for a moment. He answered it, before you heard someone say, “damian, you better have found the damn thing, because we're being overrun!” 

From the other line, you were able to hear the screeches of robins from all over, and the grunts of whoever was speaking. “Ugh- just get the thing, and head out! We've got them distracted!”

Damian immediately got up and grabbed your upper arm, before opening the door. “We're leaving, we don't have much time.” without another word, you followed them out of the strange bunker and back into the hallway.

*

Sneaking past the robins was easy. Sneaking past the guards was… not so easy. You were wondering how they even got in when, instead of heading towards the entrance to the fortress, they turned a random corner and dragged you down somewhere else. 

“Hey, not to sound rude, but the exits that way,” you pointed back to the two large doors that were heavily guarded, “why are we going this way.”

Cassandra turned back to face you. “We didn’t enter that way.” you were about to ask a question when you entered a tiled hallway. They brought you to one specific area and you could only assume that it was the same puzzle as the bunker, enter the right code and you would get into a secret tunnel.

Damian seemed to try and remember what the puzzle was, before he entered an unknown combination and the doors opened. He smirked before coming to the person who had distracted the robins.

“Nightwing, we’ve got the obj-” he looked at you before realizing that might’ve been rude. “... the… person, we’ve got the person.”

“It’s a what now?!” “Just get back to the ship and we’ll be off!”

He dragged you into the tunnel that seemed to be extremely long, and you continued like that in the dark, sprinting through the dark tunnel while you heard random noises everywhere else. Finally, you almost ran into the end of the tunnel, and when it was opened it was almost like a breath of fresh air. Well, it was a breath of fresh air, but this is the first time you’ve really been able to see the planet. Even in the dark, you were able to tell that it was a beautiful jungle. 

Being shoved into a nearby bush startled you but when you went to ask why red robin had pushed you, he held a finger to his lips, and pointed out of the bush.

There were two large guards with their weapons walking over to the door, and looking around. You saw the batkids make hand signals out of the corner of your eyes, but before you would even say anything, a large explosion from the other side of the fortress brought your attention.

Without a second glance the two guards ran around the building before disappearing to a corner of the wall. Waiting a few seconds to see if anyone was there, before red robin helped you up and the 5 of you started running to who knows where. It felt like a couple minutes before you suddenly stopped and went on a little wrist tablet and started typing. 

This resulted in a jet appearing from nowhere, before you realized that it was a wonder woman's invisible jet. “Did you guys recreate it or something?”

Cassandra gave you a weird look before you doubled back, and said, “Oh I forgot, this is from your earth.”

Walking around in grass and leaves felt surreal to you, but now you finally have a chance of leaving. Running up the ramp, you almost cried in relief when you realized that no this wasn’t you mind playing tricks on you. But that would have to come later, since you still had to leave the planet.

And as you took off, watching the fires swallow up the nearby trees, and the robins desperately try to find you, you really wanted to start laughing from joy.

~~~~

God this shit was so hard to write bc i was trying to figure out how to submit things and then like ya know this happened. Anyway if my name shows up when i submit this u can just copy paste this or just screenshot it idc whichever is fine with you. Anyway cheers love, god help me bc i want to sleep.

-Knull anon

[kittybellestark]

Time Can Heal All, But Maybe Not This

Tumblr deleted the original story and I was lucky enough to find it again and get screenshots of it before it disappeared for good. This story continues to delete itself but I will win this war. idc it’s 10 pages worth of writing and I backed it up this time. I will win. I cannot be stopped. Also it refused to take a page break so im sorry that half of this isn’t hidden, can’t win this battle.

Please enjoy this story I love it dearly and if you’ve read it before Tumblr deleted it and liked it im sorry that it’s here again but re-reads are always nice ? 

TW: Depression, alcoholism, drug usage, suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, declining mental health

.

So maybe Peter didn’t have the most friends. Or the largest family. He didn’t have the most money and Peter certainly didn’t have the most luck. Peter didn’t have a lot of luck objectively speaking. Peter didn’t have a lot to give the universe and in return the universe didn’t have a lot to give Peter.

 Then one day the universe gave him Tony, and Peter shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when Tony didn’t want to be gifted to him. Then Peter nearly died and Peter found Tony in his life, but this time for good, and not just for a trip to Germany followed up by nothing.

 Tony brought a lot to Peter’s life, a lot that was once ripped away from him. Tony brought family and warmth and happiness into the places of Peter’s life that were left empty. Tony helped Peter in all the ways that May wasn’t able to. Tony gave Peter so much, and Peter felt like he gave nothing in return.

 Then the universe gave Peter Harley. And Peter felt selfish from everything he took from Harley. He took his time and attention, he took and took and took. And it felt different than it did with Tony, the way he kept taking and taking. With Tony it was easier, just spending time, Tony still worked on important things when Peter was there. Peter didn’t take up Tony’s attention the way that he takes up Harley’s.

Peter felt selfish. All he did was take. He took up room in May and Ben’s apartment. Took up room in May’s life. Used May’s money, distracted her from her own grief of her husband. Peter took up room in Tony’s lab, a whole workbench! He took Tony’s money, (over a million dollars on the suit alone) and he took Tony’s time away from SI and the Avengers and Pepper. And Peter took Harley away from his family. Harley came to New York to meet Peter and visit Tony, but then Harley decided to stay. 

Peter wasn’t lucky, so he knew, he knew something was going to happen. It’s been a streak of good things for too long. The last bad thing that happened to Peter was Ben dying, so Peter knew because it had been so long ago that something was going to happen soon. Peter just wondered who it would be. It could be MJ or Ned or Harley or Tony or May. And Peter wasn’t ready to lose anyone. 

Peter’s life was already so full. He had so many people who meant so much for him. He had everything he’d ever dreamed of, and yet it all felt wrong. Everything felt seconds from crumbling. He has all these people who love him, and support him, Peter loves all these people and he knows, he knows that something will happen to his family. He knows that he’s going to lose someone. It’s just the way his life works.

And Peter is terrified. For good reason apparently.

The snap happens. And Peter dies in Tony’s arms. Though he only woke up what felt like a minute later, it was actually five years. He was alone on a planet with people he didn’t know. Then he was on Earth fighting a war. Then everything was over.

He was the only one of his family to be snapped. Tony gained a whole family. Ned and MJ grew up and were finishing college. May finally moved out to Italy, something she and Ben were supposed to do before Peter came into his life. And Harley moved out of New York and moved on from Peter.

Everything Peter knew changed. He didn’t have a home, or a family, he didn’t have friends. Peter knew the universe has something in store for him. He knew the universe would look down on him and laugh when it saw how comfortable Peter was. He just didn’t expect to lose everyone. Not like that. Peter never expected to be left behind.

May didn’t want to come back to New York. She didn’t want Peter anymore. The offer was made to fly him out to Italy, but May now had a boyfriend who she lived with in a small village working as a nurse to help those in the community. They had a kid together and there just wasn’t room for Peter in her life anymore.

Tony and Pepper wanted to take Peter in, but they just didn’t have the room in their house at the moment, and Tony needed a lot more attention after the snap due to his injuries and it would be a year at least until they could move back to the city and find a place with room for Peter too. Tony was still deep in recovery and he didn’t blame them for not wanting to add more to their plate, especially when they had a daughter.

Ned and MJ were adults now. They had reached out to him. MJ was going to school in California and Ned in Boston. They were happy and they were adults. Peter knew they wouldn’t be able to take him in. 

Temporarily Peter would be living on his own. With his apartment that was loaned to him from the Stark’s just until they could find a place where they’d all fit. 

Peter never tried contacting Harley. He wasn’t sure he could handle that. 

-

Peter turned 20 alone. In his little apartment in Boston, right off the MIT campus. By the time Tony and Pepper  were able to move back into the city Peter was ready to go to college. He graduated Midtown with no one in the audience cheering him on, with no friends other than Flash, who was also snapped and alone. They weren’t friends, but they were alone together.

The Starks bought the apartment by MIT for Peter. He received a full ride there, being apart of the ‘blipped’ population helped that.

But now he was 20 and still alone. He didn’t talk to May anymore, hardly spoke to Tony or Pepper. They only ever reached out when they felt guilty. It was easy for them to forget Peter when they had five years without him. 

He was drunk and alone. A combination he never thought he’d be. He always thought he’d have someone. But now he has no one. Peter was by the Sailing Pavilion now, starring out at the water wondering if it was cold. If he jumped in and swam down would anyone notice. 20 was old enough, wasn’t it?

His phone starts to ring.

Peter looks down at it, it’s Flash. No one else has called.

“Happy Birthday, Peter.” Flash says, trying to sound happy.

“Uh, yeah, Thanks.” Peter laughs. It’s fake, and sounds like he’s crying. Which he is. Of course he is. 

“Just me?” Flash asked, his voice sounding more like a whisper.

“Just you.” Peter confirms.

The two stay silent on the phone together. They stayed alone together. They understood each other in a way others couldn’t. They were left behind. They were alone. They came back to a world that didn’t have room for them. A world that no longer wanted them.

“I miss having a family.” Peter speaks up, taking another swig of the whiskey he poured into his water bottle. 

“I don’t.” Flash snorts. “I miss having people around, but not my family. They were assholes. Dad was a drunk, abusive, it wasn’t great. Mom was heavily medicated for her issues and wasn’t very present. They always loved my sister more. Now they just throw money at me and hope I stay away.”

Peter hums. “I finally felt like I had a family right before we died. I had Tony and Pepper and May. They took care of me and I didn’t feel like I deserved it. May lives in Italy now. I think she’s engaged or married probably. She has a kid. Doing her dream job. Tony and Pepper buy me things when they remember about me. But they’re not in my life. Not really. MJ and Ned are 25 now. Haven’t talked to either of them since right after the snap. And Harley... I really thought the two of us were going to be something. I loved him. He moved away when we were dead. Moved on. I haven’t spoken to him either. I knew I was going to lose someone, Flash. Parker luck and everything. I just didn’t think it would be everyone.”

“I hated you for that.” Flash sounds like he’s smiling now. “ I hated you for having a family. You were supposed to be poor, orphaned, Peter Parker. You didn’t have a family, but then you did. I had a family, but I didn’t. I wanted to have a family like you had so bad. I never thought you and I would have the same thing. I guess you have to be careful what you wish for.”

“You think anyone would miss us if we died.” Peter asked.

He took another sip of his drink, moving himself closer to the water. He held in a sob, trying to not sound suicidal on the phone with Flash. Flash was in Vermont. Peter didn’t want to panic him. 

“Peter whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t. I refuse to plan your funeral, okay? You try anything and I’ll be in Boston so quick.”

“I’m not. I won’t. I’m not going to kill myself. Not now. I promise I’ll live another day. But do you think anyone would miss us?”

Flash was silent for a moment. He considered Peter’s words. He knew the answer already. They both did.

“No.” Flash finally said. “They’ve mourned us already, they’ve grieved for us. If we were both dead no one would miss us. They’d miss the opportunity of knowing us. They’d miss the idea of us. But no one knows us. Not anymore. Now one would miss us.”

-

Peter graduated when he was 22. There wasn’t a single person in the crowd for him. Just some empty seats and empty promises.

He was drunk and alone by the time night rolled around, a gun in his hand. There was a party raging on down the road, loud enough that people probably wouldn’t recognize the sound of a gun going off. 

Bringing the gun up to his head, he drank more whiskey and cried. Peter’s finger hovered over the trigger, when he thought of Ben. He watched him bleed out everywhere, saw him get shot, watched the life face from his eyes.

Peter couldn’t do this tonight. Not with a gun.

-

At 25 Peter was still alone. He had a good job, a good company really, bought it out when he realized the company was about to fail and that his net worth was higher than the company who pays him. He travelled the world, as CEO. Accidentally made a name for himself. He was famous for some research, he couldn’t remember what. He was in the public eye often. Paparazzi followed him around. Yet Peter was still alone. 

Peter and Flash still talked. They both were still alone. There’s pictures of them at bards in magazines. They were alone together once a month. Flash ran his own business, it was successful, especially with Peter’s new found fame. 

Peter was stuck at some stuffy party, alone. Always alone. I mean, he has his P.A with him, she was nice, she just kept him on track. He was a the bar, a few too many drinks in, flirting up whoever might make him feel less lonely tonight.

He isn’t what he ever expected to be. But he never really expected to live this long either.

“Mr Parker, you’re expected on stage now for you’re award.” His P.A interrupts.

Peter sighs, standing up and making his way to the stage, leaving the person at the bar with a wink. His P.A followed quickly behind him as he brought his drink with him, taking another sip.

“What’s it for?” He asked.

“You’re research on the Mental Health of those who blipped.” She smiled taking his drink from him and straightening his tie.

“I have so much more interesting research than the blipped. Why that one. I could use another award on my development of AI tech at home, or my bio-medicine advancements or literally anything else.”

She shook her head at him, pushing him up the stage. 

“Peter Parker everyone!” The host called out again, gaining applause. 

“Sorry for being late everyone.” Peter winked to the crowd. “I like to build up the anticipation. Thank you for this award. This wasn’t a project I ever thought would gain the traction it did. I think this is something that a lot of us could resonate with. Fifty percent of us were blipped. We came back to a world we didn’t recognize. A place we didn’t git. A lot of our families moved on. Even if you were one of the lucky ones who returned you’re mental health was affected. So many of us were displaced. And I think this research struck close to home for so many of us. Thank you so much for this award.”

It wasn’t one of his better speeches. One of his worst ones, actually. He knew that. He couldn’t come up with anything quick. It was hard to come up with a way to say thank you without showing all your cards.

He took pictures with the appropriate people on his way out. Kissed people on the cheek. Answered questions in the interview section. Followed out by paparazzi with some guy on his arm.

-

Turning 27 was a nightmare. A big party was thrown in his honour. He blacked out in the first hour. 27 sex tapes were circulating by the morning, all from different times since his rise to fame. Peter didn’t want to live. He hated being alive.

His P.A found him passed out 27 days later in his office. He overdosed. Anti-depressants and sleeping pills swallowed down with half a bottle of whiskey.

Flash was in his hospital room when he finally woke up a week later. He wasn’t happy with Peter, but he understood better than most. They cried into each others arms.

Flash moved in with Peter for a while.

When Peter left the hospital he was mobbed by paparazzi's. He had to do a press conference that same day, about what happened. Like it was anyone’s business. Like anyone cares, other than Flash.

-

Peter was 30 and still alone.

He and Flash still met up. But Flash has a family now. He was married, to Peter’s P.A -Gwen- and they were expecting. He was finally able to move on. Peter, on the other hand, was stuck.

He made a big advancement in technology. Out to the public. An AI who would track a persons wellbeing. Who would act s a therapist until a person received the help they needed. An AI who would talk a person down from harming themselves and contact the right people. A resource for helping people with depression, anxiety and PTSD. An interactive interface where it’d help you work through your trauma. And it was affordable. 

There was no one there to congratulate him. Another milestone he made on his own. Peter Parker changed the world. He game so much to the people and he didn’t expect anything, having had a family at one point. From having happiness in his life once.

Peter didn’t think he’d be alive now- especially since turning 27, things had been rocky, he was lucky Flash was there for him. He wasn’t even sure he was going to graduate high school, let alone MIT. But he had to pay off his debts to the universe. For the happiness he once had. Peter knew at this point he wasn’t going to find love, or family, or happiness. IT wasn’t written in the stars for him. 

He’s 30 and alone. A drunk with no one to go to. The world seemed to love him. Deemed him the next Tony Stark. As if Tony wasn’t still alive with a 17 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. They called him the next Tony Stark like it didn’t bring any pain to him. The people didn’t know his history. The family he lost.

He’s in California now. Alone. Always alone. Always drunk and alone. He’s looking over the edge of the cliff at some tourist destination wondering if the fall would kill him. If the wave would pull him underwater. Would the universe miss him? Would the world mourn his death? Would there be anyone at his funeral?

He was drunk and the pull of jumping seemed so good. Peter was tired of paying off his debts for having had happiness. He was ready for it to end. He wondered if the universe would be so cruel as to keep him alive after death again. 

Footsteps approached him. He put on a smile, knowing that whoever it was would want to talk. The person stood beside him, looking over the fence of the observatory.

“California is nice, isn’t it?” The person said, a slight southern accent, long faded in their voice. 

“S’alright.” Peter shrugged. “Too hot for me. Besides the whole thing about California falling off the map, who would want to stay for that?”

“Better than Florida.” The man laughed.

“Anything is better than Florida.” Peter agreed.

Peter hoped this man would leave. Give him some privacy in what he wants to be his last moment. He didn’t leave though. So Peter offered him the bottle of whiskey in his hand. The man took it. He took a swig before passing it back to Peter, who raised his bottle and downed the rest.

“I know it’s been a good 13 years for you, Pete, a solid 17 years for me, but do you really not recognize me or are you hoping I’ll leave again?”

Peter stayed silent. Of course he knew who it was. He could never forget. He was just hoping the other man wouldn’t remind him of it.

“From where I’m standing, it seems like you want me to leave. But that ain’t gonna happen. You’re an alcoholic who looks to be a minute away from doing something that they can’t ever undo. So I’m going to stay. You hear me Peter Parker? I’m not leaving you.”

As it turns out the universe doesn’t hate Peter Parker. On what Peter decided to be his last day alive, the universe gave him back Harley Keener. A gift to him for all he’s been through.

-

On Peter’s 32nd Birthday he was one month sober.

Peter was learning what it means to have a family again.

When Peter turned 32 he learnt what it meant to be happy. 

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen

[groundramon]

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here!  I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing.  ok. alright. cool.  Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon.  just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like.  They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality.  I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish.  This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids.  What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him.  I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet.  No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is.  Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one.  They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like.  Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed.  The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it.  Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me.  alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible.  Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected.  Was very invested during it.  ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out.  Where are the 02 kids.  You should’ve brought them in to save the day.  That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun.  Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps.  Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty.  I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development.  He’s basically an entirely different person.  Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe.  He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE.  The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back.  They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei???  Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much.  It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters.  Whatever.  AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk?  This entire time???  Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends???  Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried.  Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao.  God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely.  Would I have still been bitter?  Yes.  But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise.  It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults.  These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining.  They do not work when placed into an adult setting.  Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world?  I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like.  Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure.  It doesn’t work.  Digimon Tri is basically that except real.  Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience.  It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that.  Like!  Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL.  Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life.  I want bad puns and emotional characters.  That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be.  Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars.  It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better.  You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead.  If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series.  Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS.  I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri?  But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish.  Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies.  Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit.  I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons.  It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments.  If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it.  It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept.  And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up.  It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon.  It raises interesting questions about the timeline too.  We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project?  (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over)  But what about Diaboromon?  I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well.  Could Diaboromon still be out there too?  It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction.  Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil?  Like ?  That’s a pretty important thing.  The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02.  And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still.  It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened)  MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so.  God there’s just.  So much wrong with Tri.  I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me.  I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

[schizononsince]

Yo holy shit thank you so much.

Yeah the thing is I don't remember ANY of that. None of it. At all. Except relying on Zee to take my meds. That's all I remember.

Which is why I freaked out when my therapist linked my memory loss to DID. Because that brought light to all this. If I can't remember doing it, it was most likely this alter that has ruined my life. I also caught this alter comparing Alan to Devin in conversation over the phone without me even realizing this alter even said it. ( This was a few days ago ) I only caught it because my friend said ' well if you saw that Alan is like your ex Devin so much why were you friends ? ' and i was like ' huh??? Where did that even come from ??' and she explained that I just said Alan is like Devin ( which I don't even think or agree with that!! Alan is NOTHING like Devin ! )

So I'm STILL having trouble with this.

I remember saying idc if he dies when he was in the ER but I don't remember wishing anything on an innocent animal. I don't know if I remember because it was me or if I remember because sometimes this alter lets me ' co host ' which I was doing because the alter is who found Drew's address and I didn't know what they were originally going to do with it. So I came up with the compromise of sending him a shitty pizza on the spot to divert them from doing something even worse. I just wasn't aware this was DID, I just thought it was a weird adrenaline high ( which suprise, I get when there's a ' switch / loss of memory'

This alter has physically harmed people and such in the past. This is why it fucking terrifies me. I don't want to wake up one day in court with a murder charge and having no recollection of why.

I'll dm you for the details because I don't know what you're referring to. I know you may not have receipts, but I've seen screenshots that people have strung about of certain things ( i just remember shit like death threats and threats that this alter abso-fucking-lutly WILL carry out, because this alter is a manifestation of my Uncle who is in prison for murder. ) point is I don't think you're lying and I think these accusations have Merit because this alter has done worse than what y'all are accusing it of doing .

I know this will make me look super bad, especially to those who think I'm faking DID. But I'm not, I'm actually fucking terrified of what will happen. Ive lost a lot of sleep over this. I have a freak out every time i notice anything that could have been a switch. Im not trying to make this about me, or be the victim, I'm just expressing how serious and fucking scary this is.

I know this will probably get screened and sent to drew, or whoever, and I know they'll use it to demonize me further. But I don't care because I want to get to the bottom of this. I want to know what this alter did. Because if i can try and remember, maybe i can establish a form of communication with it or find a way to have more power over it.

I'll dm you in a sec, making Mac and cheese rn.

Man I wish people did a psychoanalysis on me instead of just harassing me for years on end.

Be real cool if I could read a post about someone who has seen my fall from the start; and professionally pick it appart and dissect it all out on the table for me.

That'd be really neat because then maybe I'd have some sort of clarity on the situation.

Some people think I have DID , some people think it's just Schizophrenia, some people think I'm faking ( despite being diagnosed with schizophrenia 4 times now ) , but they all stop and end there. No one has done an in depth deep dive of my mental state / illnesses.

If you're here from Facebook, then yes, this is me asking you to do this instead of harass me. It would be really cool to get some insight on what someone from the outside looking in thinks, with great consideration to my mental well being during the entire drama and throughout it.

If you're drew you can fuck off tho, I don't want him dissecting my mind bc he's very prone to lying and being abusive.

Same with Cade that guy isn't getting permission either.

But anyone else, feel free to document me like I'm your patient for funsies.

Yes I'm going to therapy, no I'm not expecting this to cure me. I'm just thinking if someone with a good heart stepped in and explained what they thought was wrong, i could get some insight. Especially if i present it with whatever my therapist says. Or even, i can present it to him to see what he thinks.

Because I can't press the replay button for my therapist. I don't even remember most the things I've done,( which is why so many people including him thinks I have DID) so I'm not going to be able to be truthful to him. This is just a desperate call for someone to pick up on IG.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Ich glaub ich spinne Carly: wtf Carly: do you want a drink babe? Ali: ze german, baby Ali: i'll say no but get why you're saying yes so early Carly: k more for me Carly: nobodys in a sharing mood today Ali: yeah? Carly: yea Carly: no fun Ali: Leben ist kein Ponyhof Carly: give drew a slap for me k Ali: it would be my pleasure Ali: can i ask how he's pissed on your parade from over here tho Carly: the boy played me Carly: he wanted me to beg for what id just given him the prick Carly: shouldnt have drunk this much this soon my bad Ali: he's a fuckboy Ali: you knew that Ali: my sister on the other hand remains frustratingly oblivious Carly: dont be mad at me Carly: ive been trying to get him to dump her this whole coach ride Ali: I'm not mad at you, babe Ali: no room with how much ugh I have for him Ali: well, hopefully she will him Carly: he thinks shes gonna fuck him in berlin Ali: prick Ali: won't when she finds out Carly: you cant say anything cuz i wasnt meant to Ali: Let himself fuck it up then Ali: he's not being subtle Carly: he cant do subtle Carly: me and him have that in common like Ali: Carly Ali: do you like him? Carly: why Ali: because I think you do Carly: it doesn't matter what you think Carly: he thinks she's girlfriend material & im a slag Carly: hes not wrong either Ali: If you like him, then you should say Ali: regardless, shouldn't let him be a cunt to you, and Ro in the process Ali: who the fuck is he Carly: ha Carly: i dont like anyone baby Carly: I'm just bored Carly: berlins a whole new party Ali: well, good Ali: one less worry Ali: I wish you the perfect holiday fling Carly: aw Carly: youre still the sweetest Carly: sure you dont want a drink while theres some left? Ali: need it now so fuck it Ali: chuck it over Carly: come over Carly: you kno youre the sporty one Carly: i cant be throwing things round the coach Ali: alright, you calling baby spice, I assume? Carly: or scary Carly: depends whos asking Carly: cant be posh tho Ali: yeah you can Ali: she weren't even and you can rock that pout just as well Carly: aw Carly: you should be baby tho youre the cutest Ali: little school all over again, we can't all be baby, lads! 😂 Ali: i'll be ginger, if you wore that iconic dress on your site, you'd get lynched Carly: yea Carly: & if anyone would cause drama by going solo its you Carly: Marlene been knew Ali: Ouch 💔 Ali: but fair Ali: Already thinking about her due to namesake birthplace but you really went there Ali: please tell me I haven't tanked as hard, not got Drew's fragile ego like but 😥 Carly: you kno im just mad youre not thinking about me Carly: dont listen to a word i say Carly: goldies got a fragile heart now too, so sad you broke up w me & stole his bf on top Carly: someone think of the golden god Ali: baby Ali: yeah, that's TOTALLY what the weird vibe is all about Ali: moody twat, soz a threesome is outta the question now Carly: he likes you too Carly: thats a thing Carly: playing like im the one hung up but he is Ali: Nah Ali: that boy don't know what he wants Ali: not down for him using my bestie and sister to find out though, fuck off and soul search like the rest Carly: he wants you Carly: but you got your boy & he shouldnt be trying to mess w Carly: meant to be his boy too Ali: so he reckons but give him 5 minutes before he weren't arsed Ali: don't trust him as far as I can throw him so ain't taking his word on that either like Ali: exactly Ali: 🐍 Carly: id leave him alone if he was happy being w her but i kno he isnt Carly: not letting him lie to me Ali: it doesn't have to be your problem Ali: or your job to make him happy Ali: knew it though Carly: ha Carly: it isn't my problem Carly: & i cant keep a job you kno Carly: couldnt do that one if i was paid like Ali: no one can babe Ali: not to be that hippie cliche about it Ali: but forreal, gotta do that shit himself Carly: its Carly: how he makes me feel sometimes Carly: not happy im not living that lie but Carly: its not nothing & sometimes its good you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i know Ali: but you can have more, if you want Ali: that is possible Ali: you don't have to settle for sometimes good Carly: youre sweet but youre a dreamer babe Carly: ive got nothing going on not in my head & not around me Carly: theres no more than settling down on the site or settling for being off whenever i can Ali: s'not true Carly: yea it is Carly: you dont want it to be but that dont mean its not Carly: me and that boy have more in common than not being subtle like Ali: it ain't Ali: doesn't have to be Ali: nothing is set in stone unless you pour the fucking cement yourself, like Carly: it doesnt have to be doing it but it can still get poured Carly: forget it tho Carly: im drinking on empty & feeling sorry for myself Carly: no fun in that Ali: ain't that fast drying Ali: dust yourself off and run Carly: where to babe Carly: nowhere to go but the coach bathroom Carly: been there done that Ali: well hang on a bit and we'll be in a whole new country, babe Ali: promise is a promise and we can start in Berlin Carly: but 3s a crowd when its not a party Carly: im not trying to mess you & your boy up Carly: cant tell drew off if i do Ali: nah Ali: it ain't like that Ali: not got the blinkers on and knowing each other's passwords and schedules Ali: got trust Carly: yea? Carly: got food too or Carly: cuz im gonna vom if you say no Ali: Yes Ali: Lemme food parcel Carly: if you havent lost the knack Carly: been awhile Ali: 😔 Ali: i'm soz Carly: dont be Carly: you kno i love you Carly: no drama Ali: i love you too Ali: and you would tell me if you needed something wouldn't you Ali: 'cos that ain't changed, i'm still here Ali: unlucky bitch Carly: unlucky for you Carly: shouldnt be on site unless theres something in it for you babe Carly: all i need is to remember breakfast before i get on a sess Carly: & to dilute my spirits sometimes too Ali: there is, you nutter Ali: there you go, who said school trips weren't educational? only on the bus and you're whacking out the wisdom already Carly: not as thick as i look Carly: ms woodfield was thinking it too i reckon Carly: she might kno but im still gonna blame the shit driver if i vom Carly: try and stop me bitch Ali: you look nothing but amazing hush Ali: she's down with the kids, she'll hold your hair back Carly: you hush Carly: trying to make me emotional in front of the front of the coach Ali: it's alright, join Millie Rooney and say you're homesick 😉 Carly: idk whats sadder everyone thinking im crying over an empty caravan or that prick thinking its about him Ali: 😬 i know what i reckon Ali: better dry those tears, babygirl Carly: get his phone for me tho yea Carly: i am mad he gets me & i get nothing back Carly: use the magic Ali: use my mad hacking skillz gotcha Ali: but should I use them for good and accidentally forward some incriminating shit to Ro? 🤔 Ali: this is why we're not meant to play God Carly: do what you must Carly: i trust you Ali: don't worry, sure you're not the only girl he's been chatting too Ali: no offense meant obvs but you know Ali: don't have to drop you in it, as if its your fault but idk, Ro isn't always willing to be entirely rational when it comes to him Carly: idc she never liked me much anyways Carly: better that than dropping some naive random in it Carly: everyones seen me naked if it blows up Carly: old news Carly: & the vid was good too i look hot Ali: hmm, good point on the random Ali: and I don't doubt that you did Ali: I'll have to think on this a bit harder Carly: k Carly: if everyone gets in my inbox ill kno Ali: god Ali: people are gross Carly: can be fun sometimes Carly: cant all be angels like you babe Ali: 🖕 Ali: you know i ain't Carly: i kno you are Carly: too sweet Ali: pot kettle baby Ali: but your secret's safe with me 😘 Carly: ha Carly: its no secret im only sweet to you so youre the only one who needs to kno Ali: 'cos people suck Ali: that's no secret Ali: not gonna waste your time, are you, like Carly: not as good at picking out the deserving ones as you Carly: no secret i fuck up more than i dont Carly: how many bad decisions can i make before berlin tho Ali: nah, you're just too nice for your own good Ali: you know he don't deserve it but people have made the same (wrong) judgment on you so you can't do it back Ali: to anyone Ali: even genuinely shitty people, or people who'd be better off for the nudge of nah Carly: now whos dropping the wisdom Carly: ill just screenshot those few sentences for my ma when she's on at me Carly: im a nice person bitch Ali: 💅☕ though Ali: i'll translate it into spanish for her if she's not getting the memo in plain english Carly: ha Carly: she got well excited cuz she thought berlin had a red light district Carly: thought she was gonna get in my bags Carly: one way to stop me fucking drew in the front row but Ali: pretending i didn't hear that last bit ew Ali: moving on Ali: she wanna get in the windows or like? Carly: she did get the sack so probs Carly: or she thinks itll be like magic mike the german dub idk Ali: oh honey Ali: every nights a hen night Ali: 🙄 Carly: imagine if theyd let mas and das on this trip Carly: i couldnt have come Ali: me either Ali: no one needs that Carly: your ma is so scary Carly: but shed put goldie in his place Carly: probs shouldve brought her Carly: keep me behaving Ali: she literally wants to murder him Ali: need a restraining order and more than mr murray and mr latimer to keep her back Carly: ha Carly: love it Carly: cant she break up the happy couple Carly: my da did me & this beautiful traveller lad that took my v Ali: 💔 Ali: is he married now Ali: if we're doing matchmaking Ali: but in answer, she learnt that forbidding something makes it 1000x more likely to happen and in more secretive, intense ways so Ali: I'm soz Ro, really fucked you over on that one Carly: idk my da literally moved them on Carly: threat of getting the law Carly: k but he still wouldnt be into it Carly: i feel bad for her Ali: ugh Ali: so romeo and juliet, baby you must've been so about it 'til he fucked it up that hard Ali: yeah, i know Ali: i'll figure out something Carly: i was only 12 so i did have the mindset Carly: worth it tho Carly: prettiest boy ive ever seen Ali: swizzle on that, goldilocks Carly: everyone wanted to fuck him Carly: the whole site was feeling the love Carly: fun times Ali: like a beatle was living in your back garden Ali: love that Carly: i peaked Carly: all there is now is a golden god who behaves like a idiot boy Ali: i mean, won't take offense 😒 sat right here and all but no 😉 Ali: there's a whole world of dick out there i promise you Ali: some attached to boys who don't behave like one Carly: ha Carly: you know you're my fave Carly: but youre sat next to him so I cant tell it Ali: 💚 Ali: won't even tell you who i lost my v to Ali: too shaming Carly: now you have to Ali: 😬😫 Ali: okay but then i'm going for a piss so i don't have to feel the pity Carly: baby id never feel sorry for you Carly: w my life come on Ali: you might sympathize though 'cos it was ronan Ali: why he got all weird, probs Ali: eurgh repressed memories flooding back in with the shame 😂 Carly: shit Carly: i told drew all first times are bad but wouldnt wish him on you like that Carly: oh ronan Carly: he better not have treated you like he did me Carly: ill fucking kill him like Ali: aw babe Ali: my hero 💪 Ali: you know what he's like but that shit is long in the past with us so meh Carly: im gonna cry Carly: babe thats sad Carly: & now ms woodfield is staring at me k Ali: don't cry silly Ali: is what it is Carly: im crying and planning murder Ali: you went there too, and other various dickheads, so where's my invite to this party? Carly: but youre perfect Carly: and it was your first time Carly: actual tears in the front row Ali: oh babe Ali: i'm coming over Ali: bog roll in hand Carly: youre too good Carly: im so sad Ali: 😇 that's you Carly: all you tho Ali: nu-uh Ali: you you you Carly: i cant argue cuz im blinded by my tears Ali: not the greatest victory I've ever then Ali: but I'll take it if you smile again Carly: waiting for ms woodfield to tell me i need jesus Carly: ill laugh then Ali: okay, i'll try and lead the convo and her like Ali: we got this, woody Carly: nah if you try and lead her anywhere itll only go one way Carly: teachers pet Ali: 😂 Ali: do you reckon she loves that everyone lowkey drools over her 'cos she's the right side of 40 Ali: or is she desperately job hunting like these fucking kids Carly: i can see in her eyes she loves it Carly: she hates me cuz i dont Carly: facts Ali: not 'cos you never do your work, nah 😏 Carly: & im drunk as fuck rn on her watch Ali: i mean Ali: if YOU were doing your job properly darling Ali: mad you beat her to it, they always get plastered on trips Carly: yea Carly: bet shed take nudes in the bathroom if she had someone to send them to Ali: ooh what teacher could she homewreck Ali: school trip always a perfect place to start an affair Carly: Mr O'Brien could get it if you were old Ali: good shout Ali: getting out my bow as we speak Carly: Mr Cork is alright too but he looks like he'd shower after holding hands Carly: weird Ali: I mean Ali: cleanliness is next to godliness Ali: dirty hoe Carly: ha Carly: you kno it Ali: might be a serial killer Ali: but you wouldn't catch nowt off him Carly: dont have to go home if he murders me Carly: scatter me in berlin lad Ali: 😨😭 noooooo Ali: even if i could go neeson and avenge you Carly: dont go neeson off set tho Carly: your boy wouldnt love the racism Ali: don't wanna be that bitch Ali: problematique Carly: enough bitches on this coach Carly: for once not looking at you ms woodfield Carly: we ever getting there? i thought getting wasted would make me less bored not more Ali: and lowkey racists Ali: all comes out the woodworks when you outed, that gay bashing all afresh like Ali: seriously, why couldn't we go on a plane Carly: & overt racists Carly: that cash tho Carly: how would the teachers afford to get wrecked if they blew the budget Carly: gotta blow each other first Ali: ☕ Ali: dickheads Carly: when goldilocks isnt the biggest twat on the coach tho Carly: idk what to do w that Carly: universe trying to make me like him Ali: give him time Ali: sure he'll reclaim his title 💪 Carly: he'd love a crown Carly: or a medal Carly: get crafting Ali: only if I can get biblical Ali: crown of thorns, you mean barbed wire, okay Carly: ha Carly: im tired come & nap w me Ali: okay boo Ali: as far as pillows go 😏 Carly: serious Carly: i dont wanna sleep on my own Carly: hate it Ali: i remember Ali: coming Ali: promise

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.