#yeah i was heavily depressed and autismed.

[myheartisstone]

I accidently said that out loud one time at work and got the weirdest looks ever from a customer.

Sometimes you're gonna see a really stupid post and you're gonna have to keep your mouth shut online but you can always say "Shut the fuck up dumb fuck" out loud, they can't hear you when you do that.

[sambot2000xp]

THE THREAD I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING ON FOR A WHILE!!!

murderface’s autistic traits

because i see a lot of people talking about toki, skwisgaar, and nate’s autistic traits but never murderface.,,,

under the cut

one of the more obvious traits is his interest in war history and macabre things, which definitely seems like a special interest. it takes up his WHOLE ROOM, and the only time we see him taking a vacation is for a war reinactment. it is basically the only thing we see him have any interest in outside of dethklok and other music endeavors (which he does not seem to be that interested in even) he is genuinely PASSIONATE for history.

his gullibility is definitely overplayed for jokes but to me it reads as an extremely obvious autistic trait. for example , the firecracker scene. that scene just screams autistic to me. the way he just never realizes that he should STOP trusting them and keeps on bending down? yeah.

one of the less obvious things that I notice is his pickiness with foods. also a joke and definitely tied to extreme internalized homophobia, but it just seems like something that most neurotypical people would not go to the lengths to defend. yes I know that he does eat a hot dog in doublebookedklok but who says autism people cannot be hypocrites, I know I am lol. also just a headcanon of mine that he is sensitive to foods and sticks to foods he is comfortable with + knows well, seems to be pretty canon compliant too.

something i notice is how he does seem to understand some social norms, but not fully. and even the ones he does understand, he does not care to follow. for me as an autistic person that is something I heavily relate to. It is hard to follow the social norms you do understand when you have no reason to, and you have never had them explained to you. murderface was just treated as a problem kid his entire life so of course he just sticks with it instead of trying to work on his attitude.

kind of reaching but autistic people are more likely to experience depression and other mental illnesses, something that murderface definitely deals with. he also shows symptoms in less typical was, tied in with his anger issues. i think his anger issues could also be compared to how he was never taught to deal with his emotions, and also combine with autistic meltdowns of the sort. basically all of his issues just are worsened by his autistic traits.

SPELLING!!! i know this is just something that shows he is uneducated, which makes sense as he (in the shoe, NOT the comics) grew up in the south (probably in poverty) and never cared for school, but it also could have been heightened by his trouble learning new concepts. he very easily could have been pushed away by the fact that no one understood how to be patient with him and teach him in a way he understood, an experience lots of autistic people face.

the way murderface talks to people, he rarely knows how to act when he is not complaining or insulting people, which definitely ties into the lack of social skills. he also seems to not be able to tell when people are joking, or read emotional subtleties.

with how he tries to be a “gentleman” around ladies, it definitely shows how he does not know how to act outside of stereotypes and what he has been taught, almost like he is following a script.

HYGIENE. a big thing for autistic people. i know some people who are extreme near freaks and very very cautious with hygiene, as for me and others,,, not caring at all. i think it is obvious murderface falls into the second category, he does not CARE about hygiene and frankly, does not want to. we seen him showering in one scene so I think he is capable of doing self-care oriented things, but maybe it is hard for him to start, or he is uncomfortable with it in most occasions.

we???? Have never seen him wear pants? Like never. Even when wearing suits he has never worn pants. Definitely a sensory thing and NOT NORMAL?? just something subtle but texture in clothing is definitely a big thing with sensory issues.

headcanons

ahem ahem,,, we never see him in any shoes with shoelaces so I like to headcanon that he either never learned how to tie his shoes, or if he did, he is very bad at it and it takes him a while, so he is embarrassed to tie his shoes in front of anyone.

i also like to think he makes a lot of references to old TV shows (see my murderface agere post) and got a lot of his ideas of what “masculinity” is from those. i assume he shaped his worldview around fiction and what he learned from history, which resulted in a really warped perspective.

that is all for now!! i will probably add onto this later!! ^_^ byebye!

[pumpkin-spice-serval]

TADC Episode 4 Predictions

I made these November 9th and shared them on Instagram, they're slighly outdated post-trailer, but I thought I would post them here anyways :D I'll put in orange any new thoughts I had as of the trailer today (btw I had a hunch that this would be the Spudsy's episode due to the whole TADC café thing). I'll also put my new predictions at the bottom:

Caine makes an adventure where the humans have to work at “Spudsy’s” and serve NPC customers (seems I got this one right)

Puts Gangle in the “manager” position (this one too)

Zooble decides to join the adventure for once, perhaps? My thoughts are maybe this is because Zooble is closest to Gangle in the circus, and Gangle wants some moral support from Zooble during this adventure because of her big role, and they oblige (Zooble is part of the adventure and it seems Gangle interacts with them in one of the scenes... so! This might be right! Abstragedy shippers rejoice!)

But yeah I really do have a hunch that they have a good friendship and we will see that in this episode

Gangle uses her power as manager to give Jax the worst possible tasks/jobs, Zooble is very entertained by this and eggs it on, thus Gangle gets a bit carried away (I still think this might happen lol)

Jax snaps and goes to tell Ragatha about the “figurine thing” (nothing about the trailer shows this coming up, but we shall see)

My theory is this is something harmless albeit a bit Tumblr-coded LOLL she probably has mini figures of all the circus members and role-plays scenarios with them, like ships, or her whacking Jax or something, and one time Jax walked in on it and used it as blackmail

I feel like maybe Jax and Ragatha will get into an argument during this episode as a sort of prelude to their two consecutive episodes–I think their characters are heavily linked to one another and we will get more foreshadowing of that in ep. 4 (I was talking about a more serious argument, this might happen, but it seems the episode is very Gangle centric so I might be wrong)

Zooble apologizes to Gangle at the end of the episode, for getting caught up with harassing Jax vs. actually being good moral support, Gangle forgives them of course

Updated Predictions:

Gangle seems to have a very different personality in this episode. She also seems to go through a little bit of an emotional crisis. I have always wondered if Gangle is some type of neurodivergent (numerous possibilities here from social anxiety, to long term depression, to autism, etc., I definitely feel there's something there) and may be "masking" her true self because she's scared to open up, especially because of Jax. That's why she's so nervous without the comedy mask, it's like a security blanket to her, and it also may be why Caine gave her a new mask, trying to help but instead fuelling her issues with self image and giving her a toxic positivity issue.

Adding onto that, I think that's why we may see her having a mental break during the episode, and perhaps confiding in Zooble about it, feeling like a failure or like no one cares about her or would like the real her. Zooble, feeling out of place themself, would definitely be the type of person to comfort Gangle, if in a more calm and pragmatic way.

I noticed Gangle getting into a possible argument with Ragatha, of all people, in the trailer. I also think Ragatha has a sort of fake positivity to her, not in the manipulative sense, but in the people-pleasing sense, and the denial sense. She is trying to cope by being as upbeat as she can but that can only go so far. We can see her suffering with burnout, and Gangle definitely is not helping. I think that Gangle will be a sort of foil for Ragatha in this episode, showing her that being too positive and chipper can cause other people around you to feel worse, not better.

Caine has a "suggestion box" in the trailer, and it seems like it's filled to the brim. I think, as a B-plot, we will see Caine have a bit of his own identity crisis, stressing over the fact that there's so many things the digital circus members want to be done differently by them, and he'll be in a frenzy to figure out how to fix it. Definitely some good potential for his development here!

Finally, I think we will get some more insight into Zooble in this episode, through the lens of Gangle. I already discussed this a little, but I feel like it's implied that they're friends in the trailer (although I have an abstragedy bias, so I could be wrong). I think Zooble may open up more about their identity and insecurities in an attempt to help Gangle work through hers.

Well, that's my analysis and predictions, I hope you enjoyed reading them!! :D

Kit

[1tz-br1ght]

ヾﾉﾞ✧*。Flayer and Depression💥⚠️

OC infodump!

Flayer as a characrer is heavily based on me- I mean thats a given tho because the only reason he came about as a character is because I started an RP on my main account and I wanted to seperate the two- and so I created Flayer, AKA The Bizzybomba (based on one time he spontaneously combusted) or Mini-bizzy as dubbed by Inspekta! The only actual human bizzyboy and that's kinda all that makes him special-

As a character Flayer is pretty interesting I like to think- and because he came abouts from me just wanting to make a character that wasn't me but still me that means he has a lot of issues- issues that I struggle with!! And thus, the namesake of this post, Flayer and Depression! He's struggled with depression and self worth from a very young age, starting around when he was in 6th grade and peaking in highschool! Well, peaking as much as a lack of self worth and chronic depression can anyways- whatever whatever! What I'm getting at is Flayer is a characrer who's struggled with mental health from a very young age- given hes around 18-26 now and he's been struggling since 6th grade so, since he was around 11! That's a VERY long time-

Over the years Flayers gone through multiple phases of getting worse and getting better then getting worse again, it's a very tedious sycle- and with that over the years he's gone through multiple different types of medication ranging from literally worthless to actually working- but at the end of the day it doesn't do much for him

The timeline isn't the most clear given he doesn't have a set age but at some point, prolly around when he was 18 or 19 he became a Bizzyboy!! And his lore very heavily relies on the fact that Inspekta is on tumblr- that's how he met Inspekta and that's why he created Paperspekta, a semi-sentiant paper pal of Inspekta that craves blood- Flayer does his best to take care of the little critter but it's a bit difficult to keep up with its TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH and it's tendancy to bite him really hard- 

Flayer, like the idiot he is opted to just... Killing people to sustain Paperspekta at some point before it got to his head and he had a horrible mental crash because of the guilt- thats where he is in his life now! At that lowest of low points, thus why (if you've been looking at his interactions) he's been a bit more... Sad- specifically with Inspekta! 

Once he gets out of his mental crash one of two things will happen, 1 he'll stay human and continue on with being the only human Bizzyboy- but instead of killing people for Paperspekta he just pulls a capochin and let's the critter bite him, or 2 he'll die and become an actual bizzyboy with the power of his autism swag!! Or the secret 3rd option... But I can't tell you that because it's a secret!! But anyways yeah! As it stands now that's his lore n stuff! If your interested in interacting with the character his blog is @bizzybomba !! :D

[gumy-shark]

mob does indeed have powers!

reigen as a gay furry uncle is such a beautiful image. i don’t think he would know what a furry is but tome (a strange and intense girl + friend of mob’s who ends up working for reigen post-canon) would probably design him a fursona.

mob psycho 100 is a show about a 14 year old middle schooler named shigeo kageyama, who people call mob because he looks like a background character. he’s kind of a loser- he doesn’t have friends, his grades are bad, and he sucks at sports. he doesn’t stand out to the point that his little brother is The Most Popular Guy In School and most ppl still don’t know he exists. pretty much the only thing this kid has going for him is the Incredible Godlike Psychic Powers. he could disassemble a building like it’s made of legos without breaking a sweat. he’s most likely the most powerful psychic on earth. however, he doesn’t really use his powers, and mostly just lives a normal life.

that is, except for his part-time job at local exorcist conman Reigen Arataka’s business Spirits and Such, where he uses his powers to identify and exorcise any real spirits that come their way. bc reigen is a conman with zero powers, lying about being The 21st Century’s Greatest Psychic. (reigen pays mob less than $3 an hour btw good thing for him this kid doesn’t know what a union is)

the main struggle of mob psycho 100 is with mob’s emotions. on the surface, he doesn’t seem to have any! this is because in mp100, psychic powers are fueled by emotion, and mob is so afraid of his own power that he represses 100% of his emotions 99% of the time. there’s a meter in the show, that ticks from 0 to 100 as things push mob closer to his breaking point- and when they do, he has an autistic meltdown and shit goes Down.

the story itself is a coming of age type thing, where mob grows as a person, comes to terms with himself, makes friends, and of course undergoes extremely traumatic events. it’s also really really good and if you watch it you are unlikely to emerge the same person as when you started. 100/10 show

I think you have given me a very skewed perception of what mob psycho is about, and I don't know if I want a correction or not

(this is a request for an infodump of whatever flavor you're up to)

i could infodump to you for days but now i’m so so curious. what impression have i given you of mob psycho 100. what do you think the shows about from how i’ve been posting about it

[sporesgalaxy]

My personal experience with ADD/autism/hrt: Anxiety/depression/OCD overlap heavily with ADD/autism. "brain" medications meant for neurotypicals do not work if you have ADD because you need stimulants (try different molecules if you dont like how it feels) I'm on 80mg/week subQ testosterone which improved most of my menstrual issues (I have endometriosis) but they did not disappear until I had a hysterectomy at 10 months on T. I can't speak for the other issues you're dealing with, but your body and emotions are far more interconnected than most people assume, and gender affirming care can be both life changing and life saving. I hesitate to say you have the exact same flavor of ADD+autism as I do because theres a lot of stigma around diagnosis, but understanding my autism specifically has been integral to my ability to survive and heal. I especially encourage you to look into how autism and OCD overlap. Also, I have been following you for years now. I have a deeply genuine and intense admiration for your autistic swag. Your passion and skills are breathtaking. You are one of my favorite artists. The horrors are endless but. we stay silly.

Oh I'm on anxiety, OCD, and ADHD medication all together because for ADHD I use atomoxetine which isn't a stimulant, so I can still take the other medications and they have the intended effect.

But also I know that ADHD symptoms and medication can have a lot of varying effects from person to person, so stimulants may be all that works for some and in that case yeah, the stimulants can screw with other meds unfortunately.

And regarding how much gender affirming care can effect you psychologically: oh man, yeah, that's the wild card and also the most wholly exciting concept for me. The thought maybe some of my constant miasma of anxiety could just go away...life could be dream...

And thanks! But I'm pretty sure I'm not autistic? I've looked into it several times and I just truly don't think I have enough of the symptoms? But you are now the second person to assume I'm autistic... 🤨

There is at least one person in my family who Im preeeetty sure is autistic, POSSIBLY two, so maybe I come off that way just because that perspective is different from mine but still super normal to me & I try to take it into account when I communicate?????? shrug!!!

but also WAUGHH THANK YOU IM GLAD YOU LIKE MY STUFF‼️‼️ 🥺💚 IT'S AN HONOR 🫡

[libido]

life hack 120768: do NOT have work friends

As someone open with my autism (as a very high functioning autistic who struggles in communication a lot) and open about my depression + possible bipolar disorder…

It sucks because people will take advantage of that to be mean to you. Apparently it all started over a dumb joke to a coworker of me saying “Oh i think he has the ‘tism too” and she knew about my autism but apparently took offense and spoke ill of me to my usual group of four other coworkers and basically excommunicated me.

Like… yk as a gay trans autistic person i joke like that to cope with my mental health. like they knew that too yet? for weeks ignored me and haven’t spoken with me, i’d sit with them and was brushed off to the side with no one speaking to me. I only got the hint last week when in the pharmacy i saw them all and they said nothing to me (for reference: my worksite does have a pharmacy where they sell heavily discounted items like tylenol, eye drops, etc). It does sting because I was so open about how i struggle with social cues yet they basically shunned me.

I don’t know why they got mad over a self deprecating joke in all honesty which was dumb in the first place.

Sighs… oh my oomfs, readers or possible stalkers it’s a rough world out there.

Apparently they are now saying that I’m mean, making fun of me, calling me annoying… like for example I’s talk to them or walk with them and in the period i was in the twilight zone they said i was annoying them or “had no idea why i was following them”.

I’m a very friendly person, sure I may get mad at times and talk shit about stuff going on but to say I’m a mean-spirited person and make fun of me?? I don’t even know. Crazy thing is one woman’s in her 60s i think, another 40 and the first woman’s daughter (she has another daughter too who is very sweet and was the one who told me abt this stuff) the same age as me + another middle aged woman and yeah.. its like what im like two decades younger than you why are you guys acting like you’re my age

like y’all so could have just told me to buzz off and i’d get it why’d yall do this shit… plus the communication baby whaaat… so, who knows what’ll happen tomorrow!! oh well girl idgaf

tdlr: making a self deprecating joke about your autism gets you excommunicated and talked shit about your coworkers

[officialtayley]

how was ur journey on finding out ur autistic and how did it change your perspective on things from your life/yourself? i love talking to my neurodivergent friends about this and i think its crazy how difficult it is to get an early audhd diagnosis if ur not a cisgender man

for me, i don't think i reacted the way that would've been expected. i was 18 or 19 when i got diagnosed, but it made a lot of things make sense, like how i was in school and college, but no one ever picked up on it, not in the slightest. but when i had my assessment, they make you talk about your whole life from birth to present and it was interesting to hear my mum talk about things and realise that they were clearly signs but she never took it to mean anything, so she was all emotional and crying cause she felt like an awful parent and my ass was like 🧍🧍🧍🧍

but it's helped my understand why i am the way i am. why i'm hyper sensitive to certain things like sound (opposite of my sister who can't hear shit so it makes us clash heavily) and why, if something goes wrong or i'm too stressed, it makes me react very emotionally (when my mums boyfriends daughters would stay they used to stay in my room and they'd move my things and cause i wouldn't be able to get it back to exavtly how i placed it, it would make me have a meltdown). it's helped me understand why these things happen, and also why i will know everything in a lot of detail about certain interests, which i learned are special interests.

i have depression though, so there's many days where my autism makes me feel awful because it just causes me a lot of stress and it makes me feel quite useless and because my sister and i clash (we are like on very opposite ends of the autism spectrum) i have to adapt to her and how she is and i just have to accept it but she doesn't have to consider me at all, so then i'd just rather not be alive LMAO (sorry to get dark)

so yeah. it's change my perspective of myself and life positively and negatively. i also have adhd so like............ certain things are really at odds with each other too like i like to have a routine but i am also extremely awful at sticking to one long term. my special interests too are also like hyper-fixations because they tend to rotate like rn i'm back to be super focused on the yakuza series, but it's the same interests that rotate basically and i never forget anything. so yeah. i didn't think this would be so long omg 😭

it's rlly hard to get an early diagnosis if ur not a cisgender male. when my mum wanted one for my sister it took years but she was super persistent about it, but because my sister wasn't violent at the time it was like it didn't matter. it's really ridiculous how if ur not a cisgender male then it's gonna take you forever to get diagnosed because these people, for some reason, just ignore it in anyone else. i'm lucky i got mine in a year, but i was an adult and at that time the waiting list was only 1 year in my area, now it's 5 years.

[thatadhdfeel]

Hi! I've been thinking about this for..probably weeks, so I decided to ask—

TL;DR: I haven't been officially diagnosed with ADHD but I'm suspected of having it, can I still say that I have it or I shouldn't?

For more information and a bit of rambling probably:

I've been interested in psychology (mainly disorders) for years now (I'm still a minor), when I was 10 I stumbled upon depression on TikTok. I related to a lot of stuff but I didn't want to self-diagnose, I ended up researching alot— I'd spend hours! I related heavily to everything, but I brushed it off as "I probably don't have it" Like 2-3 years later my mother took me to a psychologist and I got diagnosed with depression— so that's a thing. Ever since then I've been going to a psychologist every week (This is for a little background info)

I've recently (like in January I think) been to group therapy (5 people in total (all afab, although I identify as nonbinary) +2 psychologists), it was 2 weeks long and we had to stay in a mental hospital. The first day one of my therapy partners asked me if I had ADHD— I said no, since I'm not diagnosed— so that was interesting—

After the 2 weeks were over we talked about it with the psychologists and my mom, they also mentioned that they thought I had ADHD—

Ever since then I was wondering if I had it (my Psychologist said that I'll get tested etc before the end of the school year but I haven't heard anything else about it since then). I heard about ADHD back then (years ago) and related a little but never got that interested in it and brushed it off as "I don't have it". But now ever since the group therapy I've been researching ADHD (and autism, that's another thing that I'll get into later) and I heavily relate to everything and it just clicked! I've always felt different, I was always told that I was different (also that I'm overly sensitive etc) and everything just...well..clicked— so yeah, my question is, am I 'allowed' to say that I have it?

And about the autism thing that I was talking about— I don't think I'm autistic, although I relate to a few stuff.

Also, my dad thought I was autistic for...reasons and I was taken to a psychologist (or psychiatrist, I don't remember) but they said that I don't have it (we were there 3 times, I don't remember any of it)

I also completed tests and all of them were at the cusp (barely above or below)—

If I have ADHD, then it would make sense since there can be overlaps and stuff, especially since both of them are neurodiversity

I really hope that I get diagnosed with it. If they say that I don't have it idk what I'll do (one of my friends also got weirded out when I told her that I want to get diagnosed, "why do you want that?")

If you answer this, thank you for your time and energy! I'm sorry for the block text

I hope you'll have a great day!!

Okay well first of all that friend is being blatantly ignorant, there’s definitely benefits that come with being diagnosed like medication and proper treatment…the hell does she mean by “why”…

Anyways —

I am fully in support of self diagnosis as is this blog, and people questioning ADHD are also more than welcome. You saying you have ADHD until you find out whether it’s true or not is not going to hurt a single soul. If you find ADHD resources and communities helpful, there is zero harm in finding solace in those.

If you end up having ADHD, great, you have a name for the experience! And if not? Well, in the meantime, you learned a lot, advocated for yourself, and communicated with your therapy partners+psych. I think that’s pretty special and worth it.

I hope all goes well. Feel free to come back and update us on what happens! I’d love to know.

[selfinsertopinions]

mod trivia time?

my name isn't important but since you'll need something to call me, let's go with daisy

basic info about me...

she/her | 21 | mixed (native american/white/black) | i have autism, anxiety (generalized and social), and undiagnosed but heavily suspected depression

i have a bunch of f/os that change regularly but recently some of my main focuses have been: billy kid (zenless zone zero), dr. baldhead/faust (guilty gear), stu (brawl stars), krobus (stardew valley)

i have a complicated relationship with sharing, but i'm gonna be impartial on this blog, so don't be afraid to send asks if you share f/os with me!

and uhhh yeah i tried to be professional on my rules page but im a fuckig silly guy i think (u may or may not disagree)

(blinkies found on these blogs: 1 2 3 4)

[cringelordofchaos]

HEAVILY ND TWEEK MENTIONED. I WILL GIVE OFF RANDOM HEADCANONS

- he first is a low support needs level one autistic but after realizing his parents drugged him and they get arrested he gets so traumatized and tired he becomes a high support needs level 2 autistic

- he’s a DID system! Named the Sprucewood Syndicate. System of around seven, many based on roleplay personas from the past, like wonder Tweek, barbarian tweek and outlaw tweek. But since the alters are completely different people from tweek, they go by different names like Wonder, the Barbarian and Zeke. Also a British poet zombie guy from Victorian ages named mark. And some of his comfort plushies turned into alters. And iono from Pokémon

-(more autism) his special interests include legos, weather forecasts, Pokémon and sonic the hedgehog

-okay now onto schizophrenia! The drugs in the coffee messed up his brain that way. Doesn’t hallucinate much because of meds, but the delusions get bad. Had cotards delusion once, used to think he was being gangstalked, sometimes hallucinates Jason’s voice and has whole conversations with him. Often feels bugs crawling on him, but that’s mostly a meth induced psychosis thing. His psychosis was BAD after Jason’s death holy shit. He’s got a great support group for his schizophrenia luckily!

-tourettes 🐀 🐀 yeah those are more than twitches. He has klazomania, which means he has screaming tics. They make his throat sore, so he sucks on flavored cough drops for them. Also sometimes he jerks his neck so hard he tears a muscle and has to wear a neck brace

-epilepsy because…meth. Luckily he’s not the 3% of epileptics that are triggered by flashing lights. He usually seizes due to really really high stress.

- his adhd actually exists!!!! Combined inattentive AND hyperactive type. Sometimes all he does in a day is build legos. Don’t have much headcanons for this actually.

- OCD. Hates his intrusive thoughts. Obsessions are mainly about him dying in the present or further because of little things he does, and has compulsions he has to do so he doesn’t die, according to him. Most common compulsion is marching around in a circle exactly three times.

- I don’t have to explain the anxiety and panic disorders that’s literally him as a person

-C-PTSD, because being on caffeine and meth while autistic 24/7/365 will make you see things as more terrifying than a neurotypical. Think of Jason’s death, Richard pointing a gun at him, realizing he’s been drugged with meth, etc. because of this, in his teens he’s TERRIFIED on coffee, but therapy helps him as time progresses

-major depressive disorder :( Craig has it too to me so when one or both is going through and episode they both cuddle up and play with stripe and watch red racer and/or the weather channel

I probably missed a disorder (I ignored substance abuse disorder on purpose) but yeah!!! This bitch has very very divergent neurons!!!!! He’s the reason I wanna major in psychology in college

WHEN I RECEIVED THIS ASK I GOT SOOOO HAPPY

THIS IS ALL SO VERY REAL HOLY SHIT!!! I love this sm !!!!

im sorry but im imagining him in the future going to a psychiatrist to deal with anxiety and suddenly they diagnose him with like half of the disorders ever known to man and being like HUHHHH

sorry i dont have anything else to add i agree w all of these sm !! personally ive never thought about the possibility of him having DID but i can see it!!

god i love tweek sm

[adelle-ein]

rambling about the ocd

so yeah yesterday not only did my ocd therapist tell me i have the highest ocd score she's ever seen (and like, she is not a new or inexperienced practitioner by any means) she told me that apparently a lot of my thought and behavior patterns are obsessive-compulsive. and a lot of them tie back to really extreme morality ocd, which actually explains a lot about the ways i've acted my entire life that were just brushed off as weird/quirky/generically anxious. even my other ocd "types" (contamination, etc) are all manifestations of severe morality ocd (i fear various forms of contamination because it makes me immoral, essentially) (that's fun).

i really didn't think it was that bad. i didn't think it was especially bad at all, truth be told, just one of the many diagnoses that make up my weirdness. but actually it's probably been the root cause for everything all along, including stuff i dismissed as just my own weirdness, like the extreme sensory processing stuff that's developed lately (fwiw i bought some new water bottles and significantly improved my hydration so working towards recovery on that). but since i don't have any compulsions that cause myself visible physical harm i didn't think it could be Real ocd. like i don't handwash to a dangerous level or self harm or starve myself, so i thought it was okay (nvm that i have caused myself extreme and permanent-feeling mental damage lol)

i've been perpetually exhausted, 24/7, since i was fourteen. because my brain's been at constant war with itself and still is and inhibits everything i do. because every single action i take is like moving through a molasses of obsessive thoughts and finishing compulsive rituals. my self esteem is somewhere in the marianas trench bc i feel like i'm constantly violating moral norms 24/7. the drugs that allow me even basic function worsen the fatigue and the brain fog and the weakness, but i need them or i literally can't stop doing compulsions. like if they stop making it or something i would need 24/7 care from my parents again bc i wouldn't be able to feed myself or shower or sleep.

i had been wondering a lot the last couple of years if i was autistic, especially with the sensory stuff, but it's now dawning on me that i just have the absolute worst fucking ocd that manifests itself in literally every aspect of my behavior and thought patterns. it looks very autistic on a surface level and gets me a high raads-r score, but probably isn't. like i could still be autistic, sure, but it's most likely that i just have incredibly severe ocd with every "less common" side effect known to man - sensory issues, routine and planning, social anxiety, stimming, etc etc. i did know that ocd/autism/adhd symptom overlap is huge but not that it was this huge.

none of this really changes anything, like i still need treatment, she's still gonna see me, but like, fucking hell. even i had been downplaying how sick i was, and probably still am, like even now i'm like well it can't be THAT bad i'm not dead :) but it is that bad. it's insanely bad. it's far worse than the "well everyone's kinda anxious and depressed right?" standard i keep tricking myself into believing i am. even now i'm STILL fucking questioning it bc i see people with ocd who seem so much worse than me but really i think that's more about what people are willing to put on the internet....i do not share my worst obsessions and compulsions generally and even when speaking privately to people i still downplay things heavily, i just can't do it. i'm extremely good at masking and hiding and downplaying because i've been doing it my whole life and a lot of my compulsive behaviors look pretty normal from the outside...but they're still very bad and the obsession levels are out of control high. and i've been doing so badly lately that i've had to step back from social media a lot because literally everything is a severe trigger at this point, from fandom drama to serious political stuff, because i get caught in a severe mental morality feedback loop every time i see something that can trigger it which is now a lot of things. but the stepping back also triggers a morality loop wheeeeeee (i see a ukraine flag emoji and have to sit there processing extremely distressing Moral Thoughts about ukraine and the war, for like...a while. to give you an idea of how severe it's gotten and why i've absolutely had to go quiet and careful with how i interact with pretty much everything, esp online where extreme positions are really common. i'm also really prone to picking up other people's anxieties and compulsions rn so again have to be SUPER careful what i look at - a tumblr poll about cleaning habits or similar can trigger compulsive behavior...)

it would be super cool if the ssa had cared about any of this but that ship's long sailed and they don't believe in or speak with therapists anyway (at least not in my state, they refused to even contact my therapist for the review they kicked me out over. even MD mental health practitioners aren't really exempt, they treated my psychiatrist incredibly rudely...)

but yeah no wonder i'm so dysfunctional and struggling so badly if i'm this abnormally ill ig

[queerasflux]

So I've been struggling real bad with working through some old childhood trauma, and my therapist asked me to sit down and write down everything my mother did to me that was just like, Objectively Not Okay- and jesus christ. I always just sort of assumed that like, yeah, my mom wasn't the most perfect mom, but she was doing her best and meant well.

then I just... couldn't stop writing. and the more I wrote, the more I realized that hey, this was straight up abusive. not just "made a few mistakes but generally well-meaning as a parent" but like honest to god "what the fuck is wrong with you and why would you do that to a child" shit, and I'm just so angry and I don't know where to put it.

I'm tired of people telling me that I must forgive/give my mother some slack, because she's my mom and she was also traumatized and "did her best"- as if being traumatized is a free pass to abuse others, or that it somehow negates the emotional and mental toll it took on me to be raised by someone like her.

I'm angry that I can't even confront her about these things, because she will immediately either get defensive/aggressive at me, or will invalidate it (it wasn't that bad/wasn't as bad as what her mom did/she didn't mean it that way), or hop up on the pity potty and want to be comforted that yeah, even though she severely abused her child, she's not a bad mom, right?

Really just struggling with things rn. List under cut, because I think other people should also be aware this shit is Not Okay, and because I'm tired of covering up for my mother's bad behavior, and not being allowed to talk about it or how it hurt me because of how it may reflect on her.

A (very) abridged and generalized list of shit my mom has done that was straight up fucked up and abusive and Not Okay that I was convinced was "not that bad" for literal decades.

Beat the shit out of her autistic kid having meltdowns, joked years later about "beating the autism" out of me, never got me tested for autism/ADHD/any other neurodivergency, I had to get diagnosed myself at 28

stayed married to a man that was not only physically abusive, but who she (rightfully!) suspected of being a pedophile

constantly ripped her children from places once they'd established friendships/finally settled in at school with no warning, apology, support system, or any way to contact old friends

when her child who is very smart starts struggling very badly in school (for above reasons and also because she was drinking heavily and was too busy partying to help her kid), decides the best option is not to get the kid tested/help in school, but to simply scream at them that they're just like their abusive father

medically neglects her children- one of whom didn't get glasses until they were 13 and had a note sent home from school. same kid becomes partially deaf in ear later due to medical neglect, and eventually ends up with several disabilities as an adult from things that could have been prevented or mitigated from childhood

repeatedly put children in the path of her own abusive mother, who she knew and described as abusive, and who she knew (commented on and joked about!) was targeting one of her children specifically

when I get depressed over that, and come to her asking for help because I'm suicidal, she proceeds to mock me for (actual quote) "needing [my] mommyyyyyyy", does not get me into therapy

despite never getting her children treatment for their own mental illness or being someone they could confide in, perfectly able and willing to use her children as free therapists, from as young as 6 years old.

constant breaches of trust/privacy- instead of simply talking to children or listening to them when they have a problem, she decided to simply read journals, chats/emails, anything private, then becomes angry when confronted.

The first two times I came out to her, she just ignored it because she didn't want to have to deal with it and thought I would just drop it

The third and final time I came out, she said I was mutilating my body, that my fiance would stop loving me and no one else would ever want me, and that I was holding her hostage/betraying her.

again, the most generalized/abridged version of what she's done, and seeing it all down just... disgusts and enrages me. this is not okay behavior. this is child abuse, emotional abuse, just sickening behavior in general, and this whole time I've been making excuses. Because I was taught/told that I "had to understand" because she had been traumatized, so that somehow made my own trauma acceptable? Because she wasn't as bad as her mother, I was expected to praise her and never hold her accountable for her behaviors and actions. I am expected to give her kudos and a gold medal for meeting the bare minimum of food/shelter, as if that's not the absolute bare minimum that doesn't get your kids taken away, and that animals in the animal kingdom do without any sort of celebration every day. a leopard doesn't get a mother's day card for feeding her cubs, she has to do that or they fucking die.

I'm just angry, and I need to get it out somewhere. I am sure this will be eventually seen/found by my sister, and like, sorry buddy but I can't be quiet any more, and I'm not making excuses for her any more. She was abusive. Is abusive. And I don't have to put up with it any more.

[waltzofphoenix]

εїзεїзεїзεїзεїзεїз *Slamming this down, one each for Kaeya, Diluc, Klee, Zhongli, Cyno, and Albedo* <3

Send “εїз” to hear a Headcanon the Mun hasn’t been able to organically implement into the blog yet~

Kaeya

Before they went to Mondstadt, Kaeya and his birth father wandered Sumeru for several years. During that time, little Kaeya was often left alone at safe camps for long periods of time while his father left to deal with Stuff.

But things worked out for Kaeya anyway, and do you know why?

Because the Aranara stumbled upon this strange, lonesome, hungry child and thought: "the big Nara is scary, and the little one is a bit strange, too, but... we can still look after the little Nara, right?"

So, young Kaeya had strange, wonderful dreams filled with fanciful jaunts in the forests, and whenever he woke up he'd find platters filled with fresh fruit, nuts, and... strangely bland soups?

(And, many years later, after their little summer adventure, Kaeya's surprised to hear some of the stories Klee picked up from the little woodland fairies that swear they remember him...)

Diluc

While he's known to keep tabs on pretty much anything noteworthy that goes on in Mondstadt, one thing Diluc takes especially seriously are matters dealing with orphans and other children in need of help.

He ensures they are looked after and get whatever they need, often finding homes for them where they will be cared for and loved.

The part that hasn't yet found it's way onto this blog is this: one day, Diluc is going to meet a kid that's a bit more difficult to house for one reason or another. Maybe they're especially prickly, prone to bouts of righteous fury? Or they're cold and have a distant, aloof vibe?

Either way, Diluc sees something of himself and/or Kaeya in this kid and decides he's going to look after them himself.

Klee

The "Thelxie's Adventure" event got me thinking about some stuff, among which is that... While it was never outright said, the disorder that event dealt with was heavily coded as autism/depression.

Why do I bring this up? Because I think Klee is neurodivergent, too, but with the key difference being... she's not depressed.

The people taking care of her are patient with her, and gentle, and (most importantly) they listen to her and treat her whole deal as Very Serious Business.

And, especially since Albedo also has neurodivergent traits, I think... Klee is an example of a kid that being given coping mechanisms at a young age, by people that completely understand the importance of letting her have her fantasies and special interests.

SO YEAH. Sort of a two-in-one there, but I definitely write both Klee and Albedo from that angle.

Zhongli

As much as he has changed other people, the relationships he's had with others, especially other gods, have changed him a lot over the years as well.

Perhaps the most notable change? There was a time when Rex Lapis could not produce a shield.

He learned that ability from one of his dearest companions, a god who valued the defense of her people above all else. Fighting by her side taught him to value this, too.

The last time he saw her, she asked him to continue defending Liyue --- his people and hers. While carrying out her final wish, Zhongli discovered he'd inherited her precious jade-strength shield.

Cyno

Since he really likes going for night strolls in the desert because the cold, dry air helps him clear his mind... I believe the opposite must be true as well! The hot, humid air in the rainforests makes his brain very foggy --- which is why he deals with any business he may have in those regions as swiftly as possible.

Sumeru City and Ghandarva Ville are alright, though. It's the places deeper in the woods that really get to him.

Albedo

SEE KLEE'S SECTION FOR A BONUS ONE!

But also, for one that's specific to him, if still tangentially related to the previous idea... I think he has a lot in common with the Tin Man, Pinnochio, or the Little Mermaid.

He finds people so difficult to understand, doesn't feel things the way he's "supposed to" and, while he's content minding his own business, I think he sometimes feels a deep, quiet ache to be more... ordinary.

Also, it's one of his own personal goals to be more human, especially because of the relationships he has HERE AND NOW --- he doesn't want to watch his friends and loved ones in the Knights grow old while he remains exactly the same, frozen in time.

Whether his agelessness is due to his nature as a construct OR part of the curse of Khanri'ah... he's searching for a way to resolve it.

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023 - catching up!

Figured it'd be a fun thing to do this year, since, y'know: this is the year that marked my official diagnosis as autistic. I'll answer several questions at once since I missed the previous days from not knowing this existed (social mishaps ftw!)

If you wanna participate, check out @birdofmay's blog or click through this link!

1 April: The typical introduction question! Tell us something about yourself.

I'm a 42-yo Belgian writer of Dark Fantasy who was diagnosed autistic this past January after a few years of absolute hell trying to figure out wtf was wrong with me. Turns out: likely intense autistic burnout!

On a more positive note though, I also likely have symptoms of ADHD - which is positive because it makes me able to function in the world on a more NT level I'd say, like doing things on a whim, enjoying change and exploring and, in a way, balancing the autism out. Mostly. The conflictual needs and wants have caused me a lot of mental and physical stress that I'm still trying to recover from.

On a fun note now: I have two cats I adore, a husband who's sometimes just as dysfunctional as I am (likely why he sniffed me out when we were still teens << but we only really met when I was 29; he remembered me from seeing me at school though!), currently unemployed because health, love to fangirl my characters (and anime dudes <<), somehow have a wide circle of friends of all nationalities and personalities because individuals are awesome and fascinating (I'm obsessed with psychology and emotions), and... Yeah. If you'd like to know anything else, do simply ask :D I love answering questions.

2 April: When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

So it's both, actually. Last year, a good friend of mine talked to me about how she thought she was autistic, and shared a lot of info on women-specific autism... and that's when I saw that everything I thought I knew about autism was but a tiny fraction of a very wide spectrum. I recognized myself in what I read. I was on a quest for self-understanding to finally know what ailed me. I needed to know (which, let it be said, seems to be an autistic trait unto its own <<)

That was August. In October, I decided I had to be tested. November through December, five tests. Result in January. Diagnosis confirmed. I was ELATED. Because, finally, my whole life made sense. I am still so immensely relieved and happy to know.

3 April: How good or bad is your memory for things people say? For example verbal instructions.

My memory's gotten worse over time, likely from years of over-stress. I tend to let a lot of things leave my memory - including things people say. Verbal instructions... Because I know I have a tendency to forget, I prefer them written so I can read them over if/when needed. It's why I do everything official via email, put in appointments in my phone's calendar immediately, etc.

Funnily enough, I still remember a few words from one autism test I did back in November. So there's some logic to what's retained and what not. Repetition of words seems to be key.

4 April: Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

I was in regular school. I'm 42. When I was a teen, depression wasn't even recognized as a real disease. Autism? Never heard of that. I was just an anxiety-ridden, fragile, naturally heavily bullied young girl who suffered ten years of depression afterwards and intense social anxiety. ... Damn I hated school so much. XD (and myself for just not fitting in :3; )

5 April: Did/do you have accommodations at school/IEP? If not, do you think it would help/have helped you?

I imagine it would have, had we known I was autistic.

6 April: Can you understand what people say when they talk fast, or do you lose track after a while? Was it different when you were younger?

Good question, with 'younger' feeling so far away... I did notice my speech recignition declined these past years, like when watching movies. However, since trying ginkgo and ginseng supplements to alleviate ADHD symptoms, and how magically they also alleviated anxieties and stress overall, I notice my speech recognition improved again.

So, to answer: in general I understand people who talk really fast, best of all in french (my native language). However, I do lose track if people talk in monotones. I think my brain gets bored and nopes out of there.

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

I don't. Which I think is a mistake in itself, because I relate too intensely and completely to AuDHD perceptions. I was told it might be my higher IQ (officially 119, but I couldn't do the language tests as my brain demanded: in all three languages I know. So it's a bit higher) causing conflicts with the autism. Like, I was told a normal person thinks in a fast, straight line; autistics think in zigzags to get to the same point. They said I take the zigzags like they are a fast, straight line. And I'm like: okay sure I feel your point, but what about my mind always feeling torn in different directions and my inability to focus and how sometimes I adore change and other times not etc etc?

I'm not diagnosed AuDHD, but live that way anyway. Because that's what feels right. And trying to treat a possible ADHD has helped me. So instinct >>> NT experts, tyvm.

---

Aaaand tomorrow I'll continue these day by day :D woot to catching up and focussing and getting something done!

[leeloooonfire]

I learned reading when I was three. Drew an anatomical correct clown when I was a little younger than 2 years (yes, all fingers were there as well as details on the clothing). I read Shakespear with 7, big fan of Much Ado About Nothing back then. With 9 I was allowed to help my mother's then boss during a surgery (he was a veterinarian and it was a castration) as well as sterilising the surgery equipment. Most of my childhood, I learned how to identify parasites in dog shit under the microscope. (I loved doing that, as well as holding funeral speeches in front of the freezer were they put the pets before they were taken to the crematorium). By 12 I could tell you every single British King and Queen (with their birth and death dates as well as the coronation date). I'm not British. My English skills aren't even that good. I just liked reading historical fiction from 11-15. I learned Japanese for fun with 14 (my favourite musician was Miyavi, there were no other reasons). All my life, sunlight hurt my eyes and trashy noises hurt my ears. I've never been a fan of summer, because I always felt too fucking warm (no temperature regulation hurray). My nose is hyper sensitive, I can hear a call coming through milliseconds before the phone rings, I've always had trouble connecting to people who seemed popular but had no issues talking with people who were similar to me (yeah, we neurospicy folk flock together like chicken). I hate the colour yellow with a passion and would write a dissertation about it. I always have issues with people around me because I question them - not always because I think they're dumb, but often because I literally do not understand them. What the fuck are even context clues and why do people act the way they do?! After going out with friends I need about 2-4 business days to recover. I've been struggling with depression since I was five, and I burned out with 16, and I am still unable to recover completely.

But if my mother and I would still talk and I'd tell her about me being autistic she'd heavily deny it. Because I'm neither "dumb enough" nor "smart enough" to be autistic and also never showed any signs.... (let's be honest, this bitch is as autistic as me).

Anyway, parents really should have to learn about autism, adhd and other disabilities before their kids "sHoW aNy SiGnS".