#yeah i didn't see a whole lot of horrible behaviour

[canyoubelieveitsmc]

In the end, it's important to remember that all of us are people. Every single fandom is filled with human beings. There is beauty and heinous parts of every single fandom

Anybody that thinks the hermitcraft fandom is above it all is dead wrong. Please remember to treat every single person you interact with with respect and kindness, if you see something you don't like, unless it's illegal or actively harming someone (in which case talk to tumblr support and report them, don't interact) then block it. The block button is there for a reason

I really love this fandom, I never interacted with tumblr before now because I was terrified of this website, but I'm so happy that I've become a part of it. Please don't turn it into a bad place for anyone else.

alright, so, one more thing i've been thinking about during all of this, and apologies, because i normally try to keep my blog fairly discourse-free in the grand scheme of things. but.

there are hermitcraft fans who act irritatingly morally superior about this fandom. i think it's out of some impulse to try to distance yourselves from any other mcyt fandom. it needs to stop.

the worst behavior during the polls was from the hermitcraft fans.

period.

there were so many instances of hermitcraft fans accusing the other side of cheating, of hermitcraft fans making attacks on the character of their guy's opponents, i have heard what i HOPE are isolated reports of racism in the grian/quackity fight (it was genuinely impossible to keep up with the blog's notes that round without both going into a death spiral thanks to the horrible behavior of scar fans during techno/scar and also without losing track instantly of where we were due to the frankly insurmountable volume of notes, so i did not see it, but unfortunately i fully believe it). i have seen people receiving awful asks - saw people being accused of 'betraying' the hermitcraft side due to voting for quackity or techno, for example.

and for a fandom that likes to act like it's better than the other guys, well. the dsmp fans were generally very well behaved in comparison. (shoutout, for example, to quackblr - i saw maybe one or two possible instances of bad behavior, but for as intense as you all were, you all were normally mostly just retaliatory towards whatever energy was thrown at you.) it wasn't supposed "outsiders coming in" that was doing this bad behavior, either.

folks, you can't blame the dsmp when the problem is inside the house. you can't blame twitter users when you're doing it here. you can't blame the reddit when you're the ones throwing the first death threats.

get off your high horses. we're all mcyt fans. we're all having the same fun. get off your high horses. you can hardly claim we're entirely all "unproblematic" when keralis accepted a sponsorship from the wizard game and xisuma periodically gets another round of getting shouted down over something he said on xisumasays. get off your high horses. you can't claim we're the accepting, good behavior fandom, unlike those other guys, when you're the ones causing the problems.

now, as always, i'm sure this is a law of large numbers thing to some extent. as technoblade, wise as he is, said: sometimes when you get a large enough group, you're going to have a few serial killers. but for the amount that hermitblr likes to act better than Those Other Minecraft Fandoms, and those Other Fandom Websites, it wasn't those guys that made me cry.

to be clear, the majority of you have been well-behaved. but there's a persistent tendency in this fandom to act strangely morally superior to other fandoms. and, y'all? you aren't.

you just aren't.

and the sooner you acknowledge that, the less likely this is to happen again, because once you admit that yeah, we can be toxic too? that's when you can start actually looking at yourself and trying not to be.

anyway, sorry again to make this post. i don't want to be a downer, hence why, outside of the official mod statements of "chill the fuck out", i didn't make this until now. (it also helps that i wanted to wait until i was no longer furious, upset, and death spiraling.) i have seen a lot of the best of this fandom over the past two weeks! i've just also, unfortunately, seen some of the worst, and feel the need to make this statement because it's just... been eating at me.

i don't want this to continue to be a trend. i think we can do better. do so.

[thatlittlefangirl]

Lily is a shitty friend because she refused to be friends with a guy who was a fucken racist to everyone but her? Would you defend a white person who liked one black girl but called every other black person a racial slur? Snape was a shitty character. The only people who can sympathize with him are those that have the same hatred within their hearts and can justify his actions. He was a horrible friend that got his ex best friend and husband killed, and bullied children because he was piece of 💩

Erm actually 🤓☝

Lily is a shitty friend because she refused to be friends with a guy who was a fucken racist to everyone but her?

She actually was a shitty friend because she smiled at her best friend being exposed

But too late; Snape had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about; a second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of graying underpants. Many people in the small crowd watching cheered. Sirius, James, and Wormtail roared with laughter. Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, “Let him down!”

Excused his bullies' behaviour

“I’m just trying to show you they’re not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are.” The intensity of his gaze made her blush. “They don’t use Dark Magic, though.” She dropped her voice. “And you’re being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there—”

And ended up with his bully in the end, don't tell me "She didn't owe him anything", anyone who had a friend who was bullied will tell you that they wouldn't date their ex-best friend's bully. She had the right to leave Severus, I am not against it, but she had a part in the breaking up but as always didn't take responsibility of it (she actually does it a lot somehow).

Would you defend a white person who liked one black girl but called every other black person a racial slur?

No, because that's not the case here. Here is a mixed-race boy, who has been put into a white neighbourhood, there the white people are pretty nice to him but will be mean to black people, they tell him to join them. He knows that his best friend is black but since other black people were mean to him (his father and his best friend's sister), he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Know the difference (not that I excuse racism but here is a different case than the one you're pointing out).

The only people who can sympathize with him are those that have the same hatred within their hearts and can justify his actions.

Liking a character doesn't mean you support what he does, I love Bellatrix and Lucius, but I do not support their pureblood supremacy views and think they have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, I like them because I like villains. No one justify his actions, they explain his reasons, is it justifying? No, because it's not right, but why liking a complex character if you don't understand his complexity?

He was a horrible friend that got his ex best friend and husband killed

Actually, their whole friendship was toxic, Lily wasn't an angel, Severus wasn't a demon, they both were human and had their flaws. Stop pointing to Severus and ignore Lily's faults. Do I really have to go back on the "Severus got Jily killed!!1!1!"?? Many other people explained this part already, go see their blogs instead.

and bullied children because he was piece of 💩

He actually bullied children because he wasn't totally right mentally, and he mostly is just blunt with kids because yeah Potions is extra dangerous and if you fuck one single thing up you could blow the whole ass school. Does it make his insults right? No. Does it make his temper more understandable? Yeah.

Thanks for that ask, it was my first snater ask, I'm so happy I'll frame it in my room <3

[evelhak]

Aaaaa, this!!! I literally cried, I am so happy to see some actual common sense!! I am so, SO tired of this trend, it's not just Rory either, there's a really unfair pattern going on where the "renaissance" on a piece of media is basically just fans ripping a protagonist to pieces for things that these fans do not hold other characters, particularly beloved antagonists and rivals, accountable for.

This video perfectly illustrates the dynamic: Rory, who tries her best to both achieve her goals and be a decent human being while doing it, who never was a perfect human if you paid attention, gets held to the standard of an angel, so every time she makes a mistake that mistake is treated as disproportionately horrible and irredeemable. Meanwhile, as a good example, Paris, who consistently treats other people horribly, gets downright babied, and how she deserved better is repeated, her own responsibility over her actions downplayed or completely ignored. Only her good qualities are remembered, and highlighted.

There's an excellent quote in the video:

"The audience loves Paris because she is so over the top that she becomes a non-character. But when you take her as a real person and judge her with the same standards as you would Lorelai and Rory, she is pretty terrible."

This. This happens with so many characters whose traits are so much that they are viewed as inherently comedic or unbelievable, so they don't count in people's eyes. Paris having a fit in her college entrance interview, yelling over the interviewers and defending eugenics, gets brushed off as "poor baby, she's clearly mentally ill, she just deserves better, she should have gotten in", while Rory, who got manipulated into an internship by the BIGGEST journalism figure just so he could tell her "she didn't have it" was JUST weak and entitled for getting upset and discouraged over it.

Paris cheating on her boyfriend for months with a college professor gets pushed under the rug because people are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge the whole thing, meanwhile Rory is THE WORST for sleeping with a married guy after she repeatedly asked him if both him and his wife agreed their marriage was over, suggested they could try counselling, and was lied to by said guy that both he and his wife knew things were over between them.

Yeah, Rory made mistakes, and definitely didn't act perfectly after either of the situations I mentioned. She was emotional and people generally make mistakes when they are. But for some reason certain characters get a free pass all the time, while it feels almost like Rory gets punished for even trying to be a good person. Like "See, I caught her making a mistake, that means she's the worst." As if trying to have morals and be decent is inherently arrogant and hypocritical. Like trying and failing is worse than not even trying. It's like, her mom and grandparents and home town expect her to be perfect, so fans did too, and now they're mad at her for being human because they put her on a pedestal. Meanwhile characters who consistently don't care about their impact on others don't get scrutinized, their actually horrible behaviour is just taken as comedy or proof of their victimhood.

Basically, people are desensitized to horrible things from certain characters, they expect it, so they don't react to it, but when Rory who is "supposed to be good" makes a mistake, it's suddenly the core of her character and all she is. Geez.

And don't get me wrong, I love both Paris and Rory. I love every character in the show. But this double standard drives me nuts. So many characters in the show have done very similar things as Rory gets accused of, some of them while feeling no remorse. Some of them have done a lot worse things that get forgiven easily.

And don't even get me started on what a hot guy with a tragic backstory gets excused for. Yeah, some things are understandable when you know the backstory. That doesn't make those things not wrong.

It's like people are obsessed with the idea that someone who appears good on the surface must be bad, and vice versa. Nuance be damned.

[hirik0]

Not a mamas boy anymore part 2

Graves standing up to his controlling mother

CW: tame emotional hurt/lots of comfort

The mission was a failure simply because somebody else was their before them killed the target persons they were suposed to arest. The newest team member nearly got eaten by a crocodile, they needed to walk an eternity through the jungle and he strained his ancel falling over a root that was hiden under dirt. After a getting patched up and a shower he is now under strict bedrest till his foot I atleast not that swollen anymore. The worst the whole flight back he got haunted by the feelings his mother caused him and he's craving for touch needing it so badly.

Graves drops on his bed, he just wants today to be over, to forget the morning, buy his brain has other plans. His stupid brain decides that now is the exact right moment to rember all the moments his mother was horrible to others but he justified it with making the other person the bad guy. Some of them his ex-girlfriends and he's mortified by his behaviour, what makes it even worse besides one he didn't even liked most of this girls in the first place. He curls himself in under the blanket only a piece of his hair to be see. Stupid shit, can't he have this revelation over his mother when he's not injured and can do things to distracted himself? Tears are gathering in his eyes and he trys to force them down. Real man don't cry his parents said to him since he started school, so if he had to cry he would always just hide somewhere, the last time was the funeral of his grandmother where he cried himself to sleep after holding it together the whole day. For some reason his sisters where allowed to do so, probably something he should question, but that's scary because what else what his parents told him was bullshit and he still believes to be true? Also Jocker is could enter the room at any moment and well that just really don't need to happen. Tears are still running down his cheeks silently trying to sooth the pain he's feeling inside. With every try to will the tears away they just get stronger, stupid shit. He gives up, just letting the tears run, because they will do it anyway, slowly drifting a light sleep.

Jocker enters their shared room, dropping another blanket on Graves, waking him up. His eyes are puffy from crying, but he atleast stopped to cry for now. That he uses the extra blanket to build a blanket borrow to hide in, loving how it feels like being hugged. The need of being hugged hurts so bad sometimes, but he can microdose touch with slapps on shoulders or the back of a team member. If that dont help he just hides unter blankets, but even this is not helping today. Out of nothing also some water and his favourite snacks apear. "Thanks", he mutters before hiding even more in the blankets, trying to will himself for it to be enough. Even if its not, also no need for anyone of the team seeing him being that weak. Jocker takes a deep breath before going to his side of the room. Graves is stuborn and he will have to wait for the other to come around to talk about his feelings. "Jocker?", Graves ask after quite some time. "Yeah?", Jocker answers looking for a book mark. "What do you think about the situation with my mother?" God he can't ask Jocker for a hug, that would be pathetic. Jocker stands up and walk towards the blankes. "Make some space ", Jocker simply states, before digging Graves out. "Why?", Graves asks and well the bed is small so them touching is inevitable, it feels so good but its not enough he wants more. "Why not?", Jocker asks watching Graves carefully. "So what do you think?", Graves repeats his question. "I think it was incredible hard for you to do so, but your need for justice didn't let you stay silent. I also think you had two bad choices that would lead to a lot of unpleased emotions. Also your neighbours waited a long time on dirt on your mother because some vacuumed the fucking grass to look busy." "Would you have been angry if I stayed silent?", Graves asks having to restrain himself from seeking more body contact. Jocker rolls his eye at the behaviour seeing how tense Graves is, before pulling him in a hug. This make Graves tense even more trying to push himself away, but he instantly gets pulled back. "I would not be angry with you and now take the god damm hug Phillip you probably need one." Still tense but not moving away he accepts the hug and it hurts so bad right now. He can't even remeber when he was hugged the last time, sure he always can steal some extra touch from Jocker when he feels like his usual methods don't help, but being held or hugged not in years. Tears are gathering in his eyes again and he blinks them away. "Why?", Graves asks not understanding why Jocker would not be mad at him. "Because its hard to stand up against someone that is like your mother. Also I could have handled it myself, what probably would have made you angry at me, because I also would have made this woman cry." Graves hands carefully rest on Jockers shoulder just a bit more touch, just a littel more it's all he needs. "What would you have told her?", Graves asks hoping it will make him for get he's sad. "That she will never see any grandchildren and that I hope she already is looking for nursing homes because if you die on the battlefield your sisters will not take her in." Graves looks up shocked a tear running down his cheek just in that moment. "From there it only gets worse, it really depends on what she says back honestly." Jocker knows to not comment on Graves crying would be clearly ruin his not so subtle attempts of comforting the other.

He lets Graves cry silently for a while if the other wants him to go away he can say so. But Graves don't want the other to go away even trying to get tiny bit more contact. Causing Jocker to huff amused before pulling him close they are now chest to chest and Jocker is resting his head on the one of Graves. "What did the LT wanted from you? You talked in the plane.", Graves asks bringing Jocker in a bit of a tough spot. "He wanted to make sure if you're okey." "Why didn't he asked me?" "Because you hide when you're hurt. So they ask me." "I dont hide when I'm hurt", Graves protestes angrly huffing loudly. "One time you got stabed and didn't told us while you were slowly bleeding out, a other time you dislocated your shoulder and we only found out because you could not hold your weapon correctly anymore. You tryed to go on a mission with pneumonia. What about the time when you had a high fever and collapsed while we waited for exfile. I can recount more if you want." "You all saw me fall over the stupid root I was not hiding a damm thing", Graves protestes annoyed. "Phillip, everyone noticed you were unfocused and if we had a fire fight I'm sure you at least would get wounded. And I'm pretty sure they would have send you to assist Bronko at the sniper spot because you would be a risk for all of us." "I wasn't a risk", Graves disagrees pouting a bit. "But why did he asked you could have asked anyone I'm close to anyone on the team", Graves insisted to know not wantig to talk about a metal state on the mission. With that Jocker tenses a bit he really tryed to avoid this topic because things are probably a bit to much right now. Honestly he hoped he would never have this talk with Graves.

"Jocker." Graves says moving away a bit to look Jocker in the eyes. "So ehm maybe the Team thinks we ehh... have eh.. we fuck." Graves mouth drops open at this uter horror on his face. Opening his mouth no words coming out, but Jocker still knows what Graves want to say. "I told them so often we don't fuck, but well you really made it not that believable. So I gave up, especially as strangers also start to ask me how long we are dating." "Why would they do that?" "Phillip, one time a woman was buying you a drink and right after you got the drink you sat down next to me, I think in the last 2 months 6 women apologised to me for flirting with my boyfriend, I honestly cant recall how often woman tried to pick you up for you to go straight to me because you did not pick up on the fact they were flirting with you. Halloween last year you sat on my lap at one point and scared everyone away with angry looks that even dared to think they can flirt with me and I had to carry you back to base because you fall asleep drunk. What caused the others start to ask when I upgrade you to from my work husband to my legal husband. And all the time your oblivious to it." Graves burys his face in his hands, mortified blush creeping down his neck. He didn't do this right, right, but who should he ask the rest of the team? He probably will die from embarrassment. Jocker rubs circels on his back giving him time. "How long?", Graves asks, iron grip on Jockers hoddie. "Since we meet." Graves laughts as this but not in a that's funny way but in a I'm going insane way, high pitched and to loud. "Hey, it's charming you know naive church boy not realising a woman is interested in him."

"How many?", Graves asks his voice shacking. "Close to one hundred." "Jocker seriously." "Since we know eachother what's 3 years soon its close to one hundred." Graves let's his head flop against Jockers chest who is still rubbing circels on his back. "Can't believe the other never give me shit for that." "I get all the shit. Even got a shovel talk from the Captain and it was only a half joke." Graves groans against the firm chest. "What do they say to you?", Graves asks still hiding his gigantic blush. "Depends on you honestly, mostly they ask me were I left my better half, when you're a bit more touchy they ask me how much sleep we got, when they notice a woman is failing to flirt with you they ask me if I'm jealous." "Why didn't you say anything?" "My former best friend was also very touchy sat in people's laps all the time, it wasn't unusual for me to have a bromance friendship." Graves stays silent needing to think while the craving to touch another person slowly dies down.

It's warm and rather comfortable for two grow men sharing a small standard military bed. Slowly lulling Graves to sleep, till his brain is digging up a long for getting memory from after his first time back from overseas. He groans hiding that his face is blushing again. Jocker let him, drawing mindlessly on Graves back, also getting lulled into sleep. "Oh my fucking god", Graves mummers his ears are burning, glad that Jocker don't trys to ask any question and god does Jocker wants to ask questions so badly, but you can't get personal information out of Graves if he dont want you too. "How could I not have picket up on that?", Graves more asks himself then the other man. "That happend to people all the time, that they realise somebody flirted with them years later", Jocker yawns struggling to keep his eyes open. "This woman kicked to door down and I did not picked it up Jocker." "Happends to all of us." "From what you told me it happends to me all the time." Jocker just humms in agreement half asleep already. "Flirting outside you small town is just very different so when you just enlisted you probably didn't knew." "I was 21." A bit more context, for Jocker to go off on. "So it was also the first time you were in a bar or club?", Jocker asks for a littel nugget ot information. "Yes." "Was she drunk?" "Yes, but Jocker she asked me if I want to see all her tattoos and I said no thank you." Graves feels the laughing more then he hears it, blushing strongly again, how embarrassing. "Okey, but did you find her attractive?", Jocker asks to give Graves an out on the situation, causing another crisis in Graves brain. He can't remeber how the woman looked like, but that don't matter because he know asks himself the question he avoids for a long time. And honestly he thought about way to many things already he can put that one thought of.

[autumnshighlady]

ugh ialtpwf is so fucking good omg, can't wait to read more!!!! neris is a combination i love, and it's regretful that it isn't approached more, i didn't like the ic either, but man truly hate the ic now, because the way you've described them does hold up realistically. they were so fucking horrible in a way that's like barely addressed, and not to be a bitch but feyre just isn't a equal in the story? she's constantly used the way rhys want to, and it's kind of disgusting. cass and az def seem like misguided supporters of rhys, hopefully they realize their wrongdoings?? maybe kill rhys and lead the court themselves or something?? really want a reader-azriel relationship too tbh, not necessarily a romantic/sexual one, like a mentor-mentee/good friends. feel like reader will be sympathetic towards him and i want them to like be friends??? idm if that isn't the case, though, love your writing the way it is. i think az and nes have a good-ish relationship in acosf so that wld be interesting too,,,, and we all know about azris, cmon hot!. idk. now i'm thinking of eris x nesta x reader x azriel which uh. damn. hot. i want sjm to go thru that same approach you did but i do unfortunately think that she likes the ic the way they are and will probably give eris a true insight into his tragic lifestory, change him and pretend like everything's just fine, with a hint of disdain towards him or something, like lucien lol. can't wait to see eris-nesta-reader interactions, love the interactions they have alr, but together. ugh i can't wait to read them flirting and comforting each other, and the smut lol. anyway i love your fics, can't believe it took me this long to get around to reading it, truly did not dissapoint. sorry about the hate comments you apparently get for no reason? like the fics you write aren't even extreme lmao, sorry about the thing w guys my age. anyway hope you're having a good day!! and agood week! and a good month. byee!!! sorry for this being long hsoikfzjslifdg

i just saw this after a gruelling 13 hour shift and oh my god:.. honey…. my heart is swelling right now at this message PLEASE DONT APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG MESSAGE I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW I LOVE LONG MESSAGES LIKE THIS! i love getting asks but most of them are requests which is a bit boring ngl i love talking with you guys and hearing your thoughts and opinions. the fact you read my massive ass fic and took the time to write all this means more to me than i know how to express in the english language.

and yeah feyre doesn’t have much autonomy in my story. the reason for this is while i don’t like her a whole lot, i feel like lots of her actions and behaviour in the books is the consequence of being so influenced by rhys and the bond. therefore i didn’t really want to make her the “villain” so she kinda just… doesn’t do anything. my main beef is w rhys, not her.

you’ll definitely see more of reader and Az as well as nesta and Az because i agree i did like nesta and Az in ACOSF. you’ve given me ideas with adding azriel into the neris/reader mix…. hehe

you’ll see much more of the reader and eris. i have so much planned out for them and Nesta, and it’ll be a rollercoaster! i promise you will love what i’ve got planned <3 this fic has endless possibilities and tbh i don’t think it’ll ever truly be finished.

again, thank you for this message. i cried with happiness when i read it

[khodorkovskaya]

Like, those things all meant something to you too! That's a v important thing to you and in a relationship. People are meant to be supportive of each other, like, why couldnt he chear you on or show enthusiasm and encouragement towards you

yeah! and he never did! about anything!

idk if it's bc my period is coming up or bc i spent the night at my parents' place yesterday and that brought back old memories, but i thought about him again last night and cried. more specifically i remembered how i caught him watching porn... and it really broke my heart and still does.

i don't remember if i told this story here before but i'll tell it again bc it's such a clear example of what kind of behaviour to avoid in men.

so in my second year of uni i got really depressed. there was covid, i didn't see the point of studying anymore, i hated everything and our relationship was also going nowhere. im not gonna get into the details of it, but the important thing to know is that i was depressed. i lost weight, would burst out crying out of nowhere, i was a mess.

and when you're depressed, well, you have no libido. it felt like everything was frozen down there. i couldn't get my coochie to cooperate. and, as my ex never made any particular effort to console me or provide me with the least amount of care and compassion a depressed person could need, i didn't feel particularly motivated to sleep with him either.

and just as a side note, i talked about my depression a lot. my parents really helped me thru it and i started going to therapy so that it wouldn't get worse, i really tried my best to let it be known that i was depressed and that i needed help. and when it came to the sex stuff, i would also explain it to my ex, so that he wouldn't feel undesired. i even made a list of things that turn me on for him in at attempt to make things easier for him. (he didn't care at all about the list btw. bc things that turn me on aren't sexual enough i guess. it was mostly things like cuddling, having deep conversations, looking into each others eyes, romantic gestures, etc. it was too boring for him i guess.)

so anyway, time goes by and our sex life gets more and more frustrating. bear in mind he had previously told me on several occasions that in his mind cheating and not telling your partner about can be justified. he'd sometimes bring up things like "when couples get older, they usually don't have sexual chemistry anymore and the dad goes after the young secretary, you know what i mean hahaha? that's probably gonna be us one day hahahahaha". and coming from a family where the dad did leave the family for a younger woman, that really stood out to me. so even if he meant it as a joke, it was not funny to me at the slightest.

and so here i am, feeling sexually useless, my boyfriend telling me that im not trying hard enough and that he feels offended that i don't find him desirable anymore (even though i had told him a million times that that wasn't the issue) and then it hits me like shit.... here we go... he's gonna cheat on me just like he said. i can't provide him with what he needs, so he's gonna go find someone else.....

so every time we had sex it felt like it was some kind of exam i had to pass to keep him. i became overly conscious about what i did and how i acted in bed, i started feeling fat and started hating my body, it was horrible. and naturally, the sex became even worse. and so he became more and more pushy. and it became this vicious cycle.

bear in mind that as i said, i had made that list of things that turn me on. and plus i would also tell him that i felt like going on a date could maybe make things a bit better. we could spend some quality time together, have deep conversations, eat something nice and the romance could turn me on, it would be a win-win. but he never took me out on a date, not once 🙃

so the whole thing started in like april 2020 and it was reaaaally bad in winter 2021. and now it was setember 2021 and still no date, constant reminders of how im not good enough from his end every time we have sex and frustration upon frustration upon frustration.

summer is coming to an end and he's like "ohh we haven't gone hiking this year, let's go hiking, that could be your date". and im like shit, i don't like hiking. but he pushes me to do it. (and to be fair it was quite fun, but the point is he organised the camping trip for himself and not to please me.) so we're in the car, on our way to the mountains. i open his phone to look up google maps and... there's porn. gangbang porn. my whole world starts to crumble.

of course i cant live upto his expectations in the bedroom! im up against porn actresses! women who do this for a living! it's like comparing a regular person to a supermodel, like you can't compete with that. here i am, a regular girl without any spicy sexual fantasies, low self esteem and depression. my boyfriend prefers watching violent porn to making love to me and the only way to get him back is... to be better than porn actresses...? it's a lost cause, isn't it?

so im there like fuckkkk and he starts nervously laughing like "oopsie, you caught me ahaha". and i have two options: either A, confront him about it or B, suck it up and postpone the conversation until the end of the hike. and we're already at the mountains at this point. confronting him would mean making a uturn and ruining the "date" i was begging him for months for. maybe this hike could be my chance to get him back? he loves hiking, so if i show interest in hiking, maybe he would love me and be more compassionate with me! so i choose option B.

after walking for two days straight, the hike is finally over and we get home. im exhausted, my legs hurt like hell. as we lie in bed, he wants to have sex with me. i say "not now, im sooo tired", hoping that he will understand. we just came back from a two day hike! he will undestand, right? but of course he doesn't and he gets angry at me again. "this is why i watch porn," he says. and i want to die.

so i tell myself, i will do anything for him. i will prove to him that i can do it, that im capable!

(ive always had a deep fear of making the first move and initiating sex. what if he thinks that im a slut? what if i do something wrong and he will think it's weird?)

and so, despite my fears, i decide to sacrifice it all for him. my legs are in pain, my heart is pounding in my ears because im terrified, i feel like this is my last chance to get him to like me. so i roll over and start kissing him. the adrenaline is crazy, i feel like it's life or death. im holding back tears, as im thinking about the women in the porn videos he watches.

and my worst fear comes true.

he just lies there.

he doesn't kiss me back, he doesn't put his arms around me. he just lies there.

and im like fuck. here we go. im weird. im ugly. im useless. he's already made up his mind. fuck, maybe i deserve to be cheated on, im so worthless. it literally feels like my whole existence is falling apart. im devastated.

so i pull back from the kiss and ask him if he's okay. and he says "you see now? this is how i feel". he basically decided to punish me for saying no to sex earlier.

so yeah... it really broke my heart... and i don't know when it will heal. because i still think about it sometimes and it makes me cry.

and it really sucks because this whole thing could've been avoided if back in 2020 when my depression had just began, he'd just said "hey babe, you're not in the mood? that's okay! we can just cuddle and watch a movie if you want. im always here for you no matter what. we'll figure things out together, don't worry about it, okay? i love you!". that alone would've made me want to have sex with him. maybe if he had said that, my depression wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. i wouldn't have had the body issues and the self esteem issues and a broken heart... but it turned out his penis was more important than all of that.

[zuckarr]

I have a friend who is a psychologist and we're good pals. We're not as close as I hoped we'd be, but we still see eachother from time to time and enjoy our casual meetups. A few weeks ago, we decided to go out and she picked me up; my grandmother was there as well and said hi to her. They chatted as I was still getting ready.

My grandmother is an extremely ambiguous person: she can be quite fake, treating others lovingly while despising them behind their backs. She's a huge hypocrite, she lacks identity (she jumps from one opinion to another, according to what's convenient for her at the moment), she's racist (even though she claims she isn't), condescending, a bit arrogant, gossipy etc... moreover, she's an amazing actress - she is particularly good at keeping up this facade of an adorable, catholic, old lady who loves Jesus and wishes for everyone to get along.

I can't really blame my grandmother for being this way, because she is just the result of her times. I used to get mad at her, but I stopped. She's in her 80s, so nowadays, I just let her be.

This applies to pretty much my whole family. There is a lot of emotional abuse going on behind my family house's curtains. They are bad people with good reputations. My grandmother is some sort of game master here. To name a few toxic behaviours: she controls everybody's finances secretively, hired a detective to find out who my sister's partner was at the time, paid a cop to follow my aunt when she was having psychotic episodes... and much more that I don't even know about.

My psychologist friend knows this. I had told her about it in detail months before. I remember her surprised look, as she had not expected my grandmother to be phony. I had also told her about how enraging it is for me to bear my grandmother's good reputation. Everybody tells me I have an amazing grandma. It's hard pretending that she is and smile at them. I wish I could tell them what she's truly like, but I am well aware nobody would believe me (I had tried revealing it to somebody before - and it was useless).

That evening, my grandmother showered my friend in compliments as she always does with everyone, and even fake cried while telling her how moving it is to see such a 'good girl in a cruel world' or something along those (dumb) lines. I was disgusted to hear this, knowing she didn't mean any of it, and I naively thought that my friend would come in my room and be just as disgusted, but... she was radiant instead. She briefly commented on how adorable my grandmother is, I replied saying 'yeah... no...' to which she answered, and I quote: 'oh, cmon, that's depressing...!'

I felt bad and angry. I didn't expect her to fall for it despite knowing the truth. I find it an easily forgettable experience when a stranger defends my family, but a friend? A psychologist? I genuinely hoped for, idk, a smarter reaction? I went out with her that night, pushing those feelings to the side, but they came right back as soon as I was home again.

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to tell my friend anything about it because I felt deeply misunderstood by her and I am too scared to feel that way again. I'd rather just let it dissipate over time, but I can't deny how discouraging it feels to tell personal stuff to people, only for my toxic family to win them over in a matter of seconds. How do you even show a friend years of abuse? My toxic family's wonderful reputation has haunted me my whole life. Having an ally matters a lot to me. I longed for somebody to take my hand and agree about how horrible my family is. They made me feel like I was the crazy one, seeing things that aren't there, falsely accusing good people... I was right instead. I vowed to never praise anyone's family. You don't know what they're truly like until somebody actually tells you. I hope to find more compassionate friends in the future. I hope you are one of them.

Meanwhile, I'll hold dear the loved ones I have now, who stand unmovable by my side.

[creepling]

NO MORE MR NIETZCHE - CHAPTER ONE

MASTERLIST. next chapter.

request: "could i request reader comforting dwayne hoover after he learns he can’t fly? and maybe a little something where when he starts talking reader gets so happy to hear his voice? thank you!! <3" (- @toastybuggy)

pairing: dwayne hoover x gn!reader

word count: 1.7K

cw: full of fluff, yeey.

You were the neighbour that was always around the Hoover family. When they went on their road trip to California you hadn't seen them in a couple of days. Your parents were never around the house. They were always working long hours. And when they had some free time, they spent it on dinner dates and weekend trips. Ever since you became a teenager you were practically raising yourself. Which meant any free time you had or any time you had to put food in your system you paid a visit to the Hoover family. In a way, your parents took advantage of the Hoover's generosity.

"Hey, honey, your father and I are away tonight. You can have dinner at the Hoover's, yeah?"

"Sweetie, we're away for the weekend. We talked with Mrs Hoover, and she's happy to have you stay with them. Have fun!"

Sometimes they wouldn't even say it to your face. They would pack their bags and leave a note on the fridge, thinking adding a smiley face would make the situation less neglective. If the Hoover family were horrible people, you'd hate it. But you adored them. Yeah, they had their quirks, but their household environment was always more enjoyable than the house you grew up in.

You missed Dwayne the most when you found out they were going to California. Being the same age meant you were automatically paired together and destined to be childhood best friends. When he took his vow of silence nine months ago, you were supportive, but you would be lying if you said you didn't miss hearing his voice. He still expressed his dry humour through writing, but it wasn't the same as hearing it. Surprisingly, his muteness didn't take a toll on your friendship. The thing that made you worry was his behaviour. He told you he wanted to be mute as an act of discipline, but deep down, you knew he did it because he was unhappy. Refusing to speak meant Dwayne could bury his anger towards the world deep within and not cause a fuss. It was that side to him that made you worry. One day he might lose control and completely shut down. The thought of that happening raised concern in your loyalty to him.

On Sunday afternoon, you were taking the garbage out when you noticed the familiar yellow Volkswagen bus parked in the Hoover's driveway. The second you saw it, you rushed to the Hoover front door and knocked eagerly.

"Get the door, Olive!" You heard a familiar voice cry through the walls.

The door opened, and someone half your size tackled you with a hug. You looked down and saw Olive smile ear to ear.

"Hey, pocket rocket. How was Cali?" You said, ruffling her hair.

"Yeah . . . a lot happened," Olive said, a hesitant look on her face. "But I blew away the judges at Little Miss Sunshine!"

"That's great! So did you wi-"

"Are you here to see Dwayne?" Olive interrupted, poking you playfully in the stomach. All you could do was narrow your eyes and hide a smile. Ever since Olive could talk and have thoughts, she had this whole fantasy that you and Dwayne would get married so you could be her sibling-in-law. It was hard to tell if she dreamed this because she looked up to you or if she was an inquisitive child and could tell you've liked Dwayne ever since you were kids. You begged God it was the first option.

Before answering her question, her hand grabbed you by the t-shirt and dragged you to his room. You stumbled behind her, greeting Mr and Mrs Hoover as you entered the house while giving a brief welcome to Frank, the uncle you hadn't met but heard a lot about. The only person you didn't see was Grandpa Ed, which was surprising since he's usually the first to greet you any time you come around.

Olive nudged you to Dwayne's bedroom door. She had a suspicious look on her face as if she knew something that you didn't. You ruffled her hair again before entering Dwayne's room and closing the door.

Something was . . . different. As Dwayne relaxed on his bed, you noticed his room looked different. The bed cot you sleep in for sleepovers is folded out to your right. The room looked like it had just been cleaned, Dwayne's usual clutter items in neat places. The biggest change you noticed was the wall; the Nietzsche tapestry was no longer there. You narrowed your eyes at Dwayne.

"Hey. So . . . how was the road trip?" You asked, suspicions high.

You studied Dwayne's body language, expecting him to do his regular communication and take the notepad and pen out of his pocket and scribble messy words, or read his facial expressions for an answer. Yet, he didn't move at all. All he did was stare at you contently.

His lips began to part.

"It was good."

Your eyes strained with bewilderment after hearing his voice—a mix of happiness and shock brewing in the pit of your stomach. You didn't know how to react, so you froze on the spot.

"You just . . . talked. You're talking-" Your words fumbled out your mouth.

"That's right," Dwayne said as if the last nine months didn't happen.

Then you remembered the change of his room, the absence of that freakish philosopher he loved. How he's sitting there, saying words. You now knew what the difference was.

"So, what about flight academy. Did- Did you get in? That's why you're talking?" Your words sounded frantic, trying to make sense of the situation. Dwayne, however, was acting calm and unbothered.

"No, I didn't get in. Turns out I'm colourblind. So . . . yeah," Dwayne furrowed his brows, the sound of his voice sounding alien in the perception of himself.

Your confusion dialled back after he confessed. Sadness pinged your side. You slowly walked towards Dwayne and sat next to him on the bed. You knew that you couldn't be a pilot if you're colourblind, you don't know where you found that out, but you knew. You never brought it up to Dwayne; you guessed he knew all these things from his extensive research. Seeing him crushed by reality and how he expressed it on his sullen face gave you the urge to hug him, but you kept your arms to your sides.

"That sucks," was all you could say, looking at Dwayne with a sympathetic gaze. "You wanted that so bad."

He nodded his head, letting out a stressed sigh. He confessed how he found out, how his grandpa passed away during the road trip, how Olive never won Little Miss Sunshine and how the family are banned from attending pageants in California. You chuckled at the last remark, as did Dwayne, but everything else he said took you back and made you think. That's a lot to go through in just a weekend.

You wanted to hug him so bad. He looked like he needed a hug. His shoulder grazed on yours, and you nudged it slightly, getting his attention. When he looked at you, a smile gradually appeared on your face.

"It's good to hear you talk again," you conceded, "I missed your voice."

Your words turned your cheeks scarlet, surprised by your vulnerability. Usually, your words were never sentimental; you were always reticent with how you expressed yourself. Dwayne was an exception, as it was hard to hold back your words of adoration for him. That was because you genuinely adored him. He was the one person in your life that you deeply cared about. You would do anything for him.

"It's good to talk again," He admitted, nodding his head.

Before long, you couldn't hold yourself back. Your arms lifted from your sides and immersed Dwayne in a hug. His body grew stiff, then eventually eased into you. He placed his hands behind your back in an awkward manner. It didn't bother you how inept he acted. You were just content with getting the chance to hold him. Dwayne might have pushed you off and deprived himself of your affection if you had attempted this on any other day throughout your friendship.

Nevertheless, the road trip with his family made a change in him. It taught him that it is okay to accept people's endearments and return the favour. That's how you grow bonds. And Dwayne was finished with pushing people away. He realised at that moment as he held you he would be distraught if you weren't in his life.

"You're the coolest person I've ever met," Dwayne professed, his chin resting on your shoulder. "I always wanted to tell you that."

You smiled like a fool, your arms growing tighter around him. "Even cooler than Nietzsche?"

Dwayne leaned out of your embrace slightly to look you dead in the eyes. "You are way cooler than Nietzsche."

The two of you confided in a full-hearted laugh. As he looked at you, Dwayne eventually noticed how flushed your cheeks were, wondering if his complexion showed his demure just as it did on you. He ruffled your hair which initiated a play fight, which was something you usually had the upper-hand in. You gave a mocking shocked expression which had Dwayne attempting to conceal a smile. You poked your fingers into Dwayne's sides that you knew were sensitive, causing him to squirm and jerk you away. As you both mucked around and filled the room with laughs and yelps, you crash-landed beside each other on the bed once you grew out of breath. You stared at the grainy, off-white ceiling as your chest rise and fell.

Dwayne gazed at you with this newfound glory as you stared obliviously, the construction of your facial features looking different in his stimulated perception. He had thoughts about you for years that he kept buried within him, refusing to confide in them due to his nihilism. However, he couldn't deny it anymore as his appeal intensified. You were gorgeous.

Dwayne followed your gaze, hoping the grooves in the plastered ceiling would distract him from what he was about to do next. He reached his hand towards you, finding your fingers and trailing his touch into the palm of your hand. As he laced your fingers into his own, your eyes enlightened. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you failed miserably at concealing a grin.

You gently squeezed his hand, giving him mind to your enjoyment. Even if it shaped you into a sheepish, flushed up mess.

[lilisouless]

Euphoria season 2 thoughts

Take in count this opinions are inmediate and i may change my mind later after thinking about it

In general is honestly only half good. Which is not a good thing to say since the first season, while not perfect, had pretty impresive writing and nuance , pretty much better than the average show and was mostly on point to what it sends to the audience. Season 2 gets better after the fifth episode and kind of goes back to the first season sometimes

For example: you get the scene where Fezco says Nate is in love with Jules, which is a very awkward way to reveal something to the audience and is clearly there because they didn't know how to tell it. Why would Fezco say it if everything he knows about Nate and Jules relationship is that he catfished and blackmailed her? You may think he was taunting him but again, why would Fez do that if what he wants is Nate away from Jules and Rue? Doesn't really make sense. Contrast this with the scene in one of the final episodes when they do the same thing but ACTUALLY RIGHT and not breaking the "show don't tell rule" the dream scene with the mirror where Maddy turns into Jules. You can say much about this: Nate doesn't love Cassie,she is just a remplacement for Maddy, and at the same time, who he really wants is Jules, AND he doesn´t even love Jules either. A scene on this season that does work, so is not that they couldn't make the whole season good, they just didn't want to.

The camera work and artistic shots are great but there is a lot of aesthetic that is getting prioritized over the writing.The acting has improved thought, everyone is doing their best no matter how bad or good is the material they are getting.

When i coment about something i am very character centered so let´s do it

-Cassie: you know how i feel about this. I can't talk about her as a person since her character has that bad writing. There were moments where she seemed to regain some ground but her obsetion over Nate and the show´s fasination with humilliating her overcomes anything else. The sad thing is that Cassie is far gone, and is not everything the writer´s fault, anyone in the audience who cheered/asked for her to be beaten up by Maddy already told writers "yes! we like having someone to hate!" so they will just keep Cassie this way. The thing that bothers me is that before streaming the show i have seen the scenes of the love triangle with Nate and i was quite prepared to defend this storyline. I saw it as the inmature teenagers who do it as a "girl code" thing and see men as property instead of seeing that the real problem is that Cassie was sleeping with her friend´s abuser. And i took it as being like that on purpose. But, after i saw it properly, nope, is actually about "fucked the boyfriend" not to sound like Cassie but...they were not dating when it happened, they were not. No one, not Suze,not Kat ,not even Lexi bring up that Nate abused Maddy and that´s why what Cassie did was wrong. So,yeah, the writers killed Cassie and the audience put the final nail on the coffin

-Maddy: I liked Maddy better in this season than in the previous one, it shows that she can be a good person when she is not close to Nate (although i must say i am very against blaming someone´s partner for their bad behaviour) my problem with her is not in this season; is what happens when you take the continuity in hold. Same with Cassie, is hard to judge her as a person because is not quite the character´s fault when the writers mess it up. My point is,Maddy in season 2 seems like a good person but if you put both seasons together she comes out as horrible: As a person who thinks sleeping with a friend´s ex is unforgetable (which is granted, a very jerkass move) but believes framing an inocent person for abuse is okay. Again: i believe this was not the point, but if Maddy existed in real life i would take her for a misandrist who see men as disponsable objects. Just bringing up Tyler again, is all i ask so i can finally be okay with her.I don't hate her like i did on season 1 but this needs to be fixed.

-Kat: I see a lot of people saying the writers destroyed Kat´s character and i kind of disagree. Is not "what" but "how" . I actually think it makes sense for the character, her relationship with Ethan (cute as it was) was bassed on she going out with a guy that actually respects and cares about her, and on season 2 she finds out she is not quite into him/the sparks are off and it sounds a logical conclussion that she only dated him because she felt apreciated.It´s sad but pausible and we have seen that she can be cruel when she let her insecurities get the best of her.On a side note, she has a whole fantasy world so it´s interesting to explore how real guys would never measure to this crazy expectations and therefore, she will never find the perfect man. The problem was ...all of that was solved on three scenes,just three! so is not explored, no nuance,it makes Kat look like a horrible person out of nowhere with a guy that has been nothing but ulterly kind to her. There were a lot of long sequences , they totally could have found time and space for Kat.

Jules: I didn't like Jules this season but unlike Cassie i can't really say she was out of character,like Kat the problem was mostly how out of focus she was , how little we get to dive in her thoughts and that makes me empatize very little with her. The one thing i found ooc was how sudenly she became jealous of Elliot, like one second with the guy and she is already furious, so bizarre.

Nate & Cal: For me, they are mostly fine. They are meant to be hateful and repulsive. I saw a lot of claims saying the season was trying to reform them and i disagree, the scene where Cal explotes against his family tells me that no matter how hard it was his past or present (as seen on flashbacks and the scene with the prostitute) he is still shitty person who blames his family for this own issues and cares about no one but himself. With Nate i don't have a proper example yet, however i don't see how putting his father in jail is "him being reformed" since he didn't do it for the sake of those minors,but for him to have his revenge. And the Jules thing and apologizing, i have two interpretations , 1) he would rather not being beaten up by Fezco again 2)He is playing the field and gaining her trust. Anyway, Nate was in the middle of a lot triangle that was easily one of the worst thing on the season and yet, actually managed to have good writing.

Rue: The person on the writing room in charge of Rue was definitely the only one with a braincell. She is at her worst here, yet all of those things make sense and her bad actions are always framed as bad. Also the supporting cast of her story are fine, Leslie has allways been the most sympatetic character in this whole show and she is allowed to be as human as her daugther. I don't have a lot to say here, we all know Rue and her family are carring the show.

So, i have more opinions but my arm is a little tired. If someone wants to debate or wants to explain me something that i clearly missed, they are welcome to day anything.

[twopoppies]

Firstly No pressure to read any of the below it’s just a lil rant after I ended up on the wrong side of tumblr!! ( + I have ADHD and i forgot my meds lol so its a bit disoriented and all over the place) and no response necessary unless you want to!

Oh god I accidentally ended up on the wrong side of tumblr....never ever ever ever again, I went back so fastttt lol im laughing at myself rn for how quickly i clicked away from disgust

i ended up on a blog that stalks u and some other larries and says absolutely atrocious things abt louis (I can send u their @ if u'd like so u can block them) and fully bought the stunt bs happening rn and it was horrible obvs but like i just do not understand like it was so creepy gina and im just so disgusted bc why? yk?

like u were not joking abt anti's actually being obsessed with larries - like half this person's blog was talking abt you and amy and i was just so shocked cause why??? like mate come on what the actual f? get a life please?? (im quite new so im like just now realising how insanely weird and obsessed these anti's are)

Also it was just an overall eye opener for multiple things:

Starting with that 1. the way 1DHQ and 1D Management managed to alienate larries actually worked and i like knew but truly doing a proper deep dive and seeing multiple blogs hate on larries and like obsessively stalk us was insane?? Like they truly believe everything they’re being fed???

Side Note: Lowkey feeling very lucky to have had the education i have because even before i even joined this fandom i believed partially none of the relationships in the news bc like i knew abt this industry and how it worked yk? i mean its logic? i have so many mates that arent even in the fandom that know i am in the fandom and texted me when the articles started rolling out calling it out for what it was: A PR stunt

Hell someone i know whom i had never even talked abt fandom stuff/stunt stuff fully texted me making a joke out of it!!! like people who aren’t even in our fandom can see it and its just insanely surprising that if they can why cant the antis?? im just a bit shocked rn

both from 1. finding someone who actually believes in this stunt and 2. multiple blogs that fully commit their time to stalking u and other larries and once again i knew but fully seeing it

YK AT FIRST I WAS LIKE IS THIS A JOKE I DIDNT BELIEVE IT GINA I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS PULLING MY LEG OR THIS PERSON WAS IDK BEING SARCASTIC AND HAD A MESSED UP SENSE OF HUMOUR but ye anyway

It made me realise that 1DHQ knew what the fuck they were doing when they were trying to alienate larries from the rest of the fandom, once again i am feeling extraordinarily grateful to have grown up with an education where i was literally taught to never trust anything and to always think things thru using logic - “does it makes sense to you? if not find out why, there usually a reason behind everything” my yr 9 english teacher used to say smth like that all the time and it just never left me bc she was always teaching us to judge everything and to take every piece of news we read entertainment or otherwise with a grain of salt and to always if we’re gonna give someone else our opinion or spread this information do our research (its what i am when i say i feel lucky to have had the education i have had)

Eye Opener 2: Anti’s are fully standing y’all u were 100% correct this is some next level stan behaviour if i’ve ever seen some, you’re famous gina!!

It is while surprisingly to realise that anti’s fully believe these things, more surprising to see how they treat larries bc why on earth would u treat any other human being this way??? like dont get me wrong they’re horrible ppl and i fully felt like sending them a message telling them exactly that but i would never bc i just dont want to make another person feel bad abt themselves even if they are that shitty of a person and it was very tempting

I just would like to understand why they feel the need to do this? like why hate on a whole other person? for what believing smth diff to u? having a difference of opinion? how tf are they gonna make it when they get a job??? like??? do u know how often i run into a person with a different opinion then me? it shouldn’t be that big of a deal! we should still be able to be friends with antis! but we’re not - not for lack of trying btw!! they’re just so mean and rude??? when i was in other fandoms when someone believed different things there was never this much hatred at someone for it!! hell there was barely any bc it was understood that it was normal to have diff opinions abt things and i just am truly fascinated by these ppl i swear they remind how stupid the human race can sometimes be not for what they believe (altho ngl a lil of that too) but for how they treat other ACTUAL human beings with different opinions to them

Eye Opener 2.5: Some people need lives, man like they proper do need lives and something to do maybe a hobby or smth? just like a life they need to get one of those and actual live it

and Eye Opener 3: I already felt this way but like even god damn stronger now you deserve a formal apology from both 1DHQ and the universe

and until we get that u deserve amazing things coming from the boys on your bdays to make up for it

Lastly Gina I hope you didn't read thru all that bc I couldn’t even read it over and thus sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes and I would also like to say that I love your blog and everything about you! you’re an absolute angel and one of the kindest ppl I have ever had the pleasure of well not meeting but stumbling across, you truly make this fandom a much much much better place with your presence (I shudder to think of it without u) that said if you ever need to take breaks or leave Im sure you already know but you should 100%

You first!!! Always! :)

Have a good day Gina, I hope its an absolutely amazing one!

Hi darling. LOL! Reading this was like talking with my kids when they don't take their ADHD meds. Lots of excited thoughts!! I loved it.

And yeah, that blog and their 4 followers are really... not well. But you're very right. 1DHQ made this fandom a breeding ground for people to hate larries and to think it's something Harry and Louis would both approve of. It's gross.

The gaslighting here is powerful, so thank goodness for fans like you who know to question what they're told and to look at things with logic and to do their best to see through their own biases.

Thank you for all the sweet words and your offer to kick butt (in your other message). I really appreciate it!

[normalbrothers]

i definitely didn't want to sound dismissive or that it's not something that can't be incorporated into whatever theorizing and headcanoning; peaky blinders makes for a great playing field in that way, because the show is indeed very coherent and cohesive, but a lot of things are up for interpretation, especially concerning the exact details of the shelbys' upbringing and formative influences - there's a huge fertile negative space to delve into.

i do think tommy's utilization of other people is, however, very explicitly build upon his war experience. a tommy without this trauma wouldn't be capable of these things (a tommy without the war trauma wouldn't even have stolen the guns ...).

narratively, tommy's domestic and war trauma collapses as the show goes on (the january-tunnel-bathtub hallucination stunningly draws it all together in s6), so it's hard to untangle what is what and that tommy's (likely, if not explicit) sexual trauma influences his behaviour (though mostly, how he treats and sees himself imho) throughout the show.

yeah, tommy's dynamic with his father is a tricky thing - there isn't a lot of onscreen material to derive from, unlike what happens with arthur - and there are varying ways to interpret and look at it. i haven't quite found something that really hit the nail on the head for me either. what compels me is that there seems to be a persevering element of love or affection or sentimentality, despite whatever he did to him or the family as a whole; fics tend to miss that. tommy doesn't really seem to hate him, but there's something that is out of the bounds of what he can access or endure.

they are nothing alike, there's no legacy for him to live up to (his father literally dies horribly and guilt-ridden and alone, all that is built with the shelby name comes from his sons (arthur, who exceeds is father, certainly is included), and yet he distills gin from his recipe, he's largely associated with the january (though the january is also associated with his mother as well, a fascinatingly androgynous vessel then), when duke wants to leave, tommy's offering him his father's wagon; it's all very nostalgic.

lizzie and tommy are equally interesting to be sure - they have things in common, and yet she's perhaps the person he wrongs the most throughout the show.

i appreciate your acknowledgement, it's a wall of text and getting into each individual point (there are plenty and all of which deserve more elaboration) is a little much; i don't at all mind questions, though. yet, i think there are also other people in this fandom who are capable for more nuanced (and better structured) answers

Omg my discord server has discussed that exact “facilitating sexual violence” thread with tommy. Our running theory (literally what we call “The Theory”) is that Arthur Sr facilitated Tommy’s abuse for money, and that’s created a lot of his views on people being investments. The “everyone’s a whore” line and his whole complex about Lizzie’s past (side note, also the way they look suspiciously similar… the mirrors are mirroring) are probably the most obvious examples, but the fears he has about being seen as useless to his family and his tendency to Literally “sell them out” for their continued success read like a monstrous combination of soldier mentality and childhood trauma. On top of that, the other people who (imo) conduct themselves the most like him in the criminal underworld, such as Polly, Michael, Grace, Jack (heavily implied), and Alfie (if you’ve listened to TGOAS) have also all been SA/SH victims. AND, in one way or another, those people betray Tommy— or a stand-in for Tommy —while playing the role of someone who was supposed to protect him/the stand-in. It is sooo!!!! Sorry that was a massive amount of word vomit but I had to yappppp 😫

´mh. the dangers of posting a take that doesn't get into the nuances. i kind of see your point(s), but i think i only agree with half of it, and even then with caveats. looking at a thematic thread is important, because it obviously Says Something, but i think getting into individual situations and what causes them, and the specific motivations that underline them is somewhat more important here, because it Says Something Even More.

this is rather long so i'm putting it under a read more (i hope it's not typo-riddled and that the sentences are legible, i find it awfully diffcult to actually make post on tumblr hdhd somehow the lay out doesn't appeal to my brain)

i haven't seen a lot of meta that actually argues for this, but arthur sr prostituting tommy (though, there are also fics that do the same thing with arthur) seems to be a relatively commonplace trope on ao3 - at least it's more prevalent than, say, arthur sr sexually abusing tommy himself. i can see where this comes from - sr appears like an opportunist who is mostly driven by wanting to make a quick buck for his own gain and who apparently has little emotional attachment to his children - and we have tommy's scathing line about children working for men "in their various ways", clearly implying sexual exploitation, but my personal theory when it comes to tommy and his relationship to his father doesn't exactly involve this (though, to be fair my take on their father is in general a little different than what fandom tends to go for - and, admittedly, i'm sentimental about this, but i don't think it's entirely unfounded either). but both are theories in the end, with an equal amount of "validity"; it's not like the concluding movie will confirm anything in that regard.

however, the problem with this theory, or rather making it the source of tommy's view of the world and the people around him, is that it precedes the war trauma, but the way we are introduced to tommy, how he operates and how we are meant to look at his initial ruthlessness (which is not a permanent state, it dissolves more and more as the show goes on) is the result of that specifically. the tommy before the war is someone that largely remains elusive to us. but we know that most of his family's grievances with him in the first season in particular are about how different (see: inaccessible and emotionally detached) he is since he came back - polly, arthur, their father point this out, all with varying degrees of judgment and condemnation, and much to tommy's dismay: he knows he's different, but unable to change that. it begets an odd feedback loop where he is rejected and simultaneously unable and often unwilling to talk about anything. thus the entire 'tommy doesn't talk to his family, his family (sometimes justifiedly) calls him out on it, but seemingly doesn't actually want to know anything, so tommy says even less' Complex becomes kind of a chicken and egg situation that causes most of their strife. but it's not necessarily a dynamic where one is categorically wrong and the other right. the troubling thing about this, of course, is that he often jumps things on them without briefing them beforehand and this may have the result that someone gets hurt - it's a nasty habit he has, but also something that lessens as the show goes on, but it's ... not exactly coming from nowhere. indeed, his family doesn't listen to or is dismissive of him; they are quite a few instances where they against his orders or don't heed his requests or warnings (a huge point of contention in season 3). important here is also that he doesn't retaliate or punish for this - if he's sometimes displeased and huffy that he isn't given a lot of respect by the people closest to him (as one would respect a traditional patriarch), he does little to and is unable to actually enforce it, nor is he feared by them.

nevertheless, he's still, in a way, regarded as the family's emotional center (next to polly), and despite everything, is still entrusted to look after his family members, my assumption is that he had a sort of caretaker function before the war without being considered the head of the family (it's important to point out that he takes over in s1, in his late twenties, instead arthur (early thirties) is introduced to us as the head of the family, the script itself goes as far as calling him a 'king': and he still tries to act with authority towards tommy in the beginning, which makes me think that this is something that *did* work once upon a time (actually, you can still see glimpses of this throughout the show), but doesn't anymore: tommy only starts to challenge him at this point, where both of them are well into adulthood) - and what tommy says of himself is that he believed they deserved better and that he used to be impatient and angry at 'slowness'. the notion that he was a romantic and idealist seems plausible to me; in that sense i don't think he was born a businessman, that he was always able to strategize, and use people, with aim for profit - and even then this is not exactly what motivates him in the first place.

so this is evidently not something his father taught him, but rather a trait (the compartmentalization, using people as tools as he himself is a tool) he developed over the course of the war where at some point he served as sergeant major, with men under him that he was responsible for, but also had to command (always in the extremely stressful context that any of them could die, and that any mismanagement or misstep on tommy's part could be the reason for this - *that* is the root of tommy's ruthlessness/emotional "coldness", he has to compartmentalize: his friends and brothers become soldiers he commands, with the traumatic knowledge that he might be sending them to their deaths - that arthur and john survive, also because of him, informs their dynamic once they return. they very much trust him as their leader, that tommy will take care of things and that he knows what he's doing, but without the circumstance of a literal war, they become brothers (human) again and these pre-war relationships and the traumatic distribution of their roles during the war are a source of conflict - it's not just a terrible thing for arthur and john, it also has a bad impact on tommy. something of a side note: while wealth and status and the trappings that come with it are things he enjoys - as does the rest of the family! - his attempts to achieve legitimacy and assimilation have more to do with safety for himself and his family (and he brutally learns that this is not really possible). for example john and arthur - as "bad" as him - enjoy the life, even as they admire tommy for what he seems capable of, they don't really see a point in tommy's plans to go legitimate. both of them would have, likely, been "content" to remain gangsters and rule over their small corner of the world (though, of course, we are privy to arthur's ongoing dilemma of wanting two opposing things and that he buckles under his own guilt, as tommy does) - that is not a safer way of living, however. sooner or later someone like campbell would have shown up anyway, and any of them could have still been gunned down in a turf war or have been arrested and eventually faced legal punishment for their crimes. this is not a position that tommy put them in, but of course, through tommy, they face problems on a larger scale - but the entire family wouldn't have been safer either way - this is an incredibly important point - poor and marginalized and criminalized and criminal as they are.

so, my very longwinded first point here is that tommy's behaviour, as it starts out in the show and how we see it transform over the course of it, is not something his father taught him. i also think it's a mistake framing tommy as acting like his father in any way (their motivations and ambitions and personalities are almost completely diametrically opposed) - this isn't really something that the show makes a point of, and he is certainly not replicating something, according to this theory, that his father subjected him to with his family members. mostly he structures the business militaristically, with him as a commanding officer - that business and family are the same thing, in a sense, and that it doesn't work as neatly as it should in theory is big ongoing problem for all of them.

okay, now coming to the actual point around the subject of 'facilitating sexual violence'.

for this i actually have to make another point that i haven't gotten into yet, but something that is important about tommy is that he starts out with a very rigid "them vs us" mindset (@deadendtracks pointed out that this also is a result of the shelbys being particularly marginalized as romani/travelling people, even among their equally poor working class peers) - he actually makes a sharp distinction between family and not-family. it's a fairly fascist rationale and it's not an accident that once he enters politics, and comes up against mosley, he starts to expand his scope (though it is incomplete as of yet), to care for more than just his family's safety and success. non-family people are those he tends to use or exploit, often with little consideration or guilt (or the guilt is compartmentalized: there is a reason he sees the pile of anonymous dead bodies in his bathroom when he has the seizure in s6), those are who he sees as investments and who he would "sell out" if it benefits him and the family. this is not true for his family members, actually. my guess is that fandom conflates these two things, because there seems to be a lasting misunderstanding of what happened in s3 with the arrests - which didn't happen, because tommy "sold them out", but as a consequence of things tommy had a limited amount of control over (i'm not at all suggesting that tommy is blameless here, but it's a little more complex than that). and this actually starts in s2, after his mock execution (a form of torture) he is told that churchill/the government will make use of him when the time comes, the events of s3 are predicated upon this (actually the entirety of s1 and s2 are the building blocks for the s3 arc and fallout (tommy being arguably hubristic in the beginning plays a minor, rather than a major, part)): under the threat of his family being executed, they are coerced into the russian plot - this is not something tommy chose to do. what he does is demand payment for it, however, but you can see a logic in this: if he gets fucked, they should at least compensate him. (this is an aspect of tommy's "everyone's a whore" thesis as well). tommy repeatedly warns and cautions is family over the season: it's absolutely not in his interest that any of them get arrested, or that he "sells them out" or that he sacrifices them (i could also get into the fact that even if one makes the point that he doesn't care for his family beyond seeing their utility, sacrificing them would be dumb, economically, because tommy knows he can't do things on his own, he has to delegate, and willingly sacrificing people profoundly loyal to him through familial and love relations for some middle-term goal, that might not work out at all, is ... a silly thing to do - who could he possibly replace them with?)

i somewhat understand that the initial perception would be that tommy is capable of this, tommy is possibly somewhat opaque in the beginning - but it never actually happens in the show, certainly not in the way people talk about it, and at some point i think the distinction (family and not-family) tommy makes should become clear to the audience - because it's a thematic element that underlines tommy's arc from s1 to s6. i also think you have to make a difference between arthur and john as soldiers/gangsters and polly and ada (and finn) who are "civilians". they are all part of a criminal organization, voluntarily as far as it goes (ada, of course, makes a point of distancing herself from the family at first, which tommy doesn't really fight her on). john and arthur are soldiers like tommy, and they make up the "illegal" musclework of their business efforts; beyond the moral injury around killing (sustained in the war), they are also aware that what they do could end badly for them: they are not blue-eyed about it, and they agreed to this. it's not forced upon them by tommy, setting aside that tommy himself gets his hands dirty; he does not treat them as disposable goons who do all the bloody work while tommy sits back and keeps his hands clean. (tommy does have goons he doesn't care about, though). he is not exploiting his brothers - which is another aspect of "selling them out", i guess. i think that is diminishing the agency they have, and the fact that they act on their own and why they do so and they certainly don't always follow tommy's orders. and then of course, ada and polly (and the wives) are kept out of the line of fire (which tragically doesn't always work), both as women, but also because they don't have the experience of killing/war. finn is an different can of worms, and probably deserves it's own separate meta.

okay! i'm getting to the part about sexual violence. now.

sexual violence - the allusions to past trauma, the constant threat of it and the actual acts we see happen on the show - permeates the narrative fabric of the show. as another smart person once pointed out, it's not a mistake that the show's (powerful) antagonists, simultaneously representatives of institutions (the police, the clergy, the aristocracy) that shape and order society, tend to be perpetrators of sexual violence as well: campbell is a rapist, hughes is an abuser of children and while mosley and mitford are not shown to be either of these things, their depraved sexual predatoriness still stands out.

of course, tommy here, as a "middleman" or medium is a subject worthy of discussion, then, but i also think we have to look at these instances where it happens separately (because they are not the same, despite the connecting thread).

grace and kimber: this might be a subjective impression, but i think what tommy does here is the most calculating (and in that sense the worst if just going by his motivations) out of all these examples. he takes note of kimber's obvious interest in grace and at this point likely already plans to make her part of his deal at the race. a big point here, in fact, is that grace is not only not-family, but she's a complete outsider to small heath/birmingham as well, and tommy very quickly clocks her as an upperclass woman on top. while he doesn't suspect her of being a spy (instead he manufactures his own explanation for her presence that grace cleverly adopts), she's still suspicious to him. initially, while also being attracted to and intrigued by her, tommy sees her as an intruder still at the point of episode 3 (where the race happens). in a way, she means nothing to him here, and given kimber's visible attraction to her, it seems like an easy quick way to let him proceed in his efforts. that he changes his mind - perhaps his conscience kicking in after all, perhaps because he already likes her more than he thought - is important conclusion to all this. he can't go through with it. and this is the beginning of the show where i think he's still reeling from the war, in that sense is the most ruthless/shut off (barring s4 where he's deeply cynical and depressed), and simultaneously on a high, because things are generally going well for him and the family (besides campbell's pesky presence).

lizzie and the marshall: it's somewhat important to note tommy genuinely didn't want to her to get hurt - that he needed her to lure the marshall away, but not to actually engage in sexual activity, is true. and tommy acts on short notice - he's desperate to get the assassination done while fearing that at the end of it he will be executed (he doesn't get out of the situation through any scheme of his, but rather is "spared", but of course, that he's spared only means is continued exploitation by the government). all of that is pretty worthless to lizzie, to be sure, who gets assaulted anyway, and none of that would have happened if tommy hadn't wasted time to brag to campbell that grace loves him. this disregard, though not exactly cruelty, towards lizzie (instead of ensuring her safety, he opts to talk about the woman he's in love with) constitutes a tragic element of their relationship. he doesn't hate her, nor do i really think he as a "complex" around her being a prostitute, but he tends to spare her little thought, and this is certainly influenced by her class (and sex) most of all. connected to this is also a mindset that "she can take it", and in that way tommy does relate to her, because he can as well, but of course, it's not the same either; their relationship doesn't start out as a very equal one, and on top of this, lizzie is not-family as well. here it's important to note that this is not a fixed, but something that changes: he very much starts to see her as part of the family and which brings me to another point that underscores tommy's family/not-family delineation. in s5, mosley basically asks him to hand lizzie over - given what tommy's trying to do, complying with mosley's request would actually make things easier for him, but he very brusquely (and remarkably so, because tommy is afraid of this man and never really finds himself capable of saying 'no' to other things) tells him off, and eventually gives lizzie room to reject him herself.

arthur and tatiana: while i included them in my post, i think it's a bit different than these other two situations - not because arthur's violation here isn't awful, or to suggest the sentiment that women can't sexually assault men, but this is the contemporary assumption and it would be anachronistic for any of these characters to actually think along these lines. tommy knows that his brothers are going to have to strip in front of izabella and tatiana, and characteristically only tells them of it last minute; arthur is unwilling, but "obeys" in the end. at first, tommy's visibly amused by it - part of this is petty revenge, because both john and arthur prior made fun of him for "working" with tatiana - but when she goes too far and starts to molest arthur, tommy's entire demeanor shifts; he grows horrified and dissociates. tommy couldn't have predicted that the situation would get out of hand, but he did wrong by arthur to not try and tell him earlier (then again, this is all under the big context that tommy doesn't actually want to be there either (and all this in the aftermath of his assault and hughes breathing down his neck) and arthur himself has shown to be somewhat fickle and unreliable throughout the season so far; he doesn't want to take any risks here, but of course, that doesn't entirely justify it either).

another sidenote: arthur and sacrifice is also an interesting subject, because i know the fandom has a tendency to assign a vast power imbalance between tommy and arthur, where tommy has all the leverage, and poor, loyal, traumatized arthur has no choice but to obey his brother. arthur is expendable to tommy, arthur is too good-natured and naive to see it. this is non-sense, of course, but it seems like no amount of meta or attempts to even the scales here will ever change this misconception. i won't get into it too much right now, but what i'm going to get at - and this is actual an important aspect when it comes to this sexual violence continuum and tommy as "middleman" theme in the show - is arthur and linda. arthur's behaviour towards linda escalates into abuse from season 4 onward and while not explicit, it seems to be that part of this abuse is also sexual in nature (linda tries to appease arthur with sex in s4, he kisses her against her will and to her palpable fear and disgust while grabbing her throat in s5, and in s6 linda makes "not sleeping with arthur" a part of her deal with tommy, it's an attempt to insure herself as she accepts tommy's request to help him) - tommy likely doesn't know this, but he does enable arthur's abuse of her. mind you, "enabling" doesn't make him the culprit or the instigator, that is all arthur. while linda is technically family as well, there is a hierarchy at play, and her imposed role is that of arthur's caretaker, if linda leaves, so tommy fears, arthur might spin out of control and self-destruct (or go destructive on others). it's not only that he worries arthur can't be of use to him anymore, he genuinely cares for and loves him, and if it means he has to stuff linda into the meatgrinder he'll do it. the decision tommy makes when relaying the information of linda's whereabouts is not one he makes gladly - he's fiddling with his cyanide capsule during the conversation - but it's triage between arthur and linda/her friend (it doesn't help that arthur insistently and aggressively threatens tommy over the phone while using textbook abuser talk concerning linda ("i just want to talk")). he makes the choice and gives arthur the information, knowing that arthur will likely do as arthur does. it's another instance that illustrates tommy's family vs not-family mindset (or more intricately, that there's also a hierarchy within his family). i'm also bringing this up, because through arthur's threats he also makes use of tommy - tommy tries to bargain with arthur and arthur steamrolls tommy (it's not an accident that this conversation is sandwiched between tommy and lizzie's deal and his attempts at making a deal with mosley, who similarly steamrolls him ("it's not going to be that kind of relationship"),

now having written all that down, my tentative conclusion is a) tommy has a habit of sacrificing people, but those are not his family members and b) the middleman theme is important, but a lot of this ruthlessness has to do with his experience in the war rather than something he strictly learned in his childhood (at the hands of his father) c) the aspect of sexual violence - and sexual violence as an ongoing theme in the show - factors into this and tommy, around whom this theme is constructed, is not free of guilt here, but that he is not the perpetrator is an important qualitative distinction. there are also other points i made, but my brain is about to explode lol

i'm trying to keep the last part short re: characters people who conduct themselves like tommy. using experience of sexual violence as the lowest common denominator doesn't actually translate into a lot of shared behaviour among these characters in my eyes. polly shares tommy's sense of familial responsibility and has vested interest in their success and safety, but she doesn't operate the way tommy (and arthur and john) does, because she's lacking the war experience. michael's big tragedy is that he never comes home - he remains alienated within the family, due to the traumatic events of his adoption, but another part of this is also that, despite this, he was afforded a relatively privileged middle class upbringing with access to a good formal education. he doesn't understand the criminal world the way tommy and the rest of the family do (he's also a little audacious about it all) grace is a true believer in her cause - she is an agent of the crown and therefore someone who furthers the interests of her class. the law is on her side, that makes her the opposite of a criminal (of course, the thesis of the show is the hypocrisy of legitimacy: what's the difference between an upperclass person/aristocrat who sits on generational wealth and power, achieved through the subjugation of an impoverished and marginalized majority and colonialism, and the shelbys who commit violence in a very direct way in order to move up in the world, but the effects of their violence are on a much smaller scale and in the beginning not structural (that the peaky blinders become a sort of institution by the end of the show is Another point)) nelson ... is tommy if tommy was completely amoral and apolitical: he's the perfect business man in that sense and they may have a shared understanding of where they come from, but the trajectory of these people is vastly differently (nelson is probably an amalgation of both arthur and tommy's worst potential, he could be tommy if tommy was, as i said, actually amoral and apolitical and he has perfected, with his lack of conscience and guilt, arthur's sadistic streak) alfie also doesn't really operate like tommy in my eyes, and i think this is mostly due to him possessing no familial ties (i mean, he seems to have a family, but there's in implication of closeness, the mother he mentions is dead, if i remember correctly). it's fascinating to me that he attaches himself to tommy the way he does, to the point of wanting tommy to euthanize him.

all these characters have somewhat different motivations, philosophies and experiences - it makes the commonalities they share interesting, but i think little of it is actually built on experience of sexual abuse, especially as it seems that this is, amongst other things, what makes their points of view so varying.

as i've said, i can see your points, but my feelings are that a lot of it is being conflated and that it requires more nuance when looking at these details. working out the themes of something - which a story is built on - doesn't quite make up for looking what this concretely means or how exactly it plays out/what actually happens

[daniel-bruehl]

Winterbaron!

okay so this might not be to everyone's liking but i've come to love it a lot! at first i didn't quite want to admit it to myself but i have decided that since this is a fictional pairing consisting of fictional characters in fictional scenarios, my morals can sit in the backseat and i'll instead let my personal enjoyment drive this one lmao. (disclaimer before anyone comes for my throat: i do not condone any kind of abusive/manipulative/harmful behaviour in real life relationships. like i said, this is purely fictional)

so to get the obvious and also one main aspect right out of the way: to me, these two together just look incredibly good. i find both extremely attractive on their own so obviously they'd make a very attractive pairing to me. also i love the dynamic with which seb and daniel play them, both individually and in interaction with each other (i mean the chin stroking scene helloooo)

and of course i know we were off to a very rough start with these two thanks to what happened in civil war and i also gotta say, back then i did not ship them at all because beside the moment when zemo was using bucky for his plan, they didn't interact with each other at all so there was not really anything to ship.

episode 3-5 of tfatws changed that for me though, like yeah they were not once friendly with each other and bucky would've loved to choke the life out of zemo two or three times but you know what? it adds some much needed spice. and i'm into that. sambucky for example is the ship i think of when i imagine bucky in a healthy relationship in which he can grow and live happily ever after. winterbaron is what i see when i want things to get exciting and thrilling and dramatic and yes even a little bit toxic, just for the fun of it you know? and i truly believe (maybe this makes me a fool but idc) that zemo does not have bad intentions (anymore) when it comes to bucky. i believe that he understands bucky's trauma, especially after tfatws, and that he would not want to hurt him in any way anymore. even when he did what he did in civil war, it was never personal, and i think now that he has spent more time with bucky and saw him as the person that he is and not the killing super soldier hydra made of him, he wouldn't ever use him for any of his plans like that again (what happened in madripoor was planned by them all and bucky agreed to it, it was a whole different situation than civil war).

i feel like bucky could actually profit from his and zemo's relationship a lot, especially in moments when he might feel lost and needs someone to take control over a situation; zemo would be perfect for that. I've read a few fanfics with dom/sub undertones and i think that dynamic works perfectly for them, i just don't like it when it gets too extreme and i also do not enjoy any content involving zemo abusing him (or the other way around, for that matter). i think these two could both help each other overcome the horrible things that happened to them, but without losing that dark aura that both of them have (yes, even bucky), which is the main component for why this ship works for me; both are not evil people, both have a lot of trauma, and they just understand each other and have a lot of potential to grow to deeply care for each other. i feel like the scene in episode 5 at the memorial has further underlined that, at least to me. the sadness in bucky's face?? zemo's understanding that he did what he needed to do and him willingly letting it all happen? excuse me??

i totally understand it though when people say they don't enjoy this ship! maybe it's because of my own trauma that it just caters to me and gives me comfort, but i can absolutely see why it doesn't work for everyone! (unlike sambucky, because some of the reasons some people give for not liking that ship reek of nothing but racism lol) AND AGAIN: fictional ship. fictional characters. not something (in its entirety) that i wish for myself or anyone else in real life!

Send me a ship and i'll tell you my brutally honest opinion about it!

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[heartate-aa]

Thank god for google photos lmao. Mishka here. When I called Lazarus out I initially approached him in DMs and was going to keep it there if he just admitted his faults and apologised. He (or his friends, fuck if I know) sent me an anonymous ask purposefully misgendering me (I IDed as enby at the time exclusively going by they prns) and that's when I snapped and published it and no one should absolve themselves of this behaviour by saying 'oh I actually didn't approve of this' when they were complicit on it, too. I was an awful person in an awful environment back then that fueled and supported such behaviour cause you too know what was 2016 rpc like lmao. Everyone called him Bob and everyone mocked the mispelling of a Spanish word in his url, it was wrong but it happened. I said how it's weird he's roleplaying as an au Namjoon / rap monster or some shit like that and added him to my DNI but dropped everything eventually. For this aka why and how my callout dropped I have caps.

We reconciled or whatever when the initial blog and callout for Raphael was in the making (in which there isn't a testimony of mine as I felt and still do, that my issue with Ra was/is nothing compared to what others went through, despite the fact people are spinning I wrote it? I was just in the discord group chat with everyone lol.) and for that I unfortunately don't have caps but he was very pushy (despite me blatantly ignoring him) and making nsfw jokes. I was uncomfortable as he just turned eighteen at the time cause it felt like he was just waiting for the moment he could say that shit. Anyway, he blatantly copied my promo for Genji on his McCree blog yet again. I was tired of his antics so I had a friend approach and tell him I don't want anything with him and to fuck off from me forever, which he ignored and messaged me anyways. Just some clarifications, again, because I don't like the full extent of the way things are worded in the callout re: me chasing him off, when I've had nothing but sour experiences in the two times we were in contact and wanted literally nothing with him and him disrespecting it.

Believe it or don't, but thanks for hearing me out.

thank u for sharing this with me. yeah i can .. see that honestly. i don't doubt any of this. and it's funny that people tried to say you were responsible for the original callout when 😭i know the people who were behind it and i've even ... reconciled with and became friends with some of them again. anyways idk this entire friend group has a victim complex and a need to make things about them when they are literally not about them. lazarus literally will go on a bender to rant about me as if this entire thing is about him and not raphael lol. like i'm calling out his involvement, yes, because he lied and slandered me, but ... this is about raphael.

anyways sorry for the wording of that too. it's the way lazarus had spun it for so long until finally he said it was raphael and i who'd done it and i could not think of a better way to phrase it at 4-5 am when i added that but i'll adjust it now.

but yes. it's completely on brand for lazarus to also say sorry and make nice to your face but then immediately turn and drag things out publicly. like. he claims that he doesn't like "drama" and getting involved in things, but then he takes it upon himself to namedrop people for no reason or starts a crusade or gets involved in things that literally don't concern him. he's kept tabs on people for years and so many people have a lot of evidence of that

thanks again for sharing. idk how much of what lazarus said about you was true? and i only remember that one point i saw you get called out for something a few years back and i can't remember what it was about at all but like ... i'm pretty sure lazarus was also sitting on that and dragged it out, and i wish i could remember everything he said in our mediated group chat when we were discussing things and talking it out because i know you were brought up. but i know that lazarus like idk. he always has to be the center of something and the victim of a scenario too and it's just. tiring. i don't doubt the issues either of you have had with each other but the thing is lazarus keeps tabs and continues to stalk people when he should leave it alone, especially if it's traumatizing for him. and yeah i've heard along the vine that he's still ... stealing and even raphael was adamant in accusing lazarus of stealing from their majima blog aesthetics and headcanons before they started to be on good terms lol and that was as recent as like, october 2020 before they changed their tune.

anyways. thank you for sharing with me and i appreciate it and i've corrected my wording in my doc. and u know. it says a lot about you tho that u are able to own up for things you did wrong bc not a lot of people can do that. that whole era of 2016 tumblr in that friend group, especially, is not something i'm proud of because i was also horrible and mean and petty and childish. i'm glad that most of us have learned and moved on from it. i wish i could say the same for raphael/lazarus/ana/forza.

[exclipssesss]

You're perfect, no matter what he says about you. [x reader]

Headcanons of all my current fav characters from different fandoms. This was supposed to be something just to emotionally heal me. So this does kinda based off real life experience, except the part where the bois comfort me, man why can't i buy these guys in ebay as my legal husbands?

Characters involved: Alastor [Hazbin Hotel], Lafayette [Hamilton The Musical].

Would probabpy make part two with other characters uwu

Warnings: Cursing, Physical abuse, Parental abuse, The mention of Anxiety.

Summary: S/o never had a great relationship with their dad, and after another fight (which ended horribly wrong) someone decided to comfort them.

Alastor.

Hazbin Hotel.

You were in the Hotel, coolio. Basically you were chilling on the couch when suddenly you fell asleep, and after a few hours passed you woke up to find yourself in your room with blankets covering you, you were confused on how you get there.

You then get out of bed and noticed charlie calling you, probably a new demon that wanna check into the hotel.

You saw a demon that is kind of similar to you but wAy more big and looked kind of scary, he was holding a cigarette. At first you shrugged it off since having the same form of a demon can both mean you guys have made the same sin, or you are related.

You didn't really mind it at first until you asked him to sign in to the hotel, and he looked at you as if you're stupid. He laughed that everyone draws their attention to the both of you, you laughed with him to avoid being awkward.

"You do realize that i am nowhere wanting to go to this stupid ass hotel right? Pathetic, demons wanting to do some redemption just to go to heaven? They can't even take their own consequences of being a dick. Yeah no bitch, i ain't going to this hotel, especially if it filled with pussies"

You stumbled back, he was similar to you but is nothing like you. Yes you swore, a lot, but not this harsh. He basically scowls at you and you just gave him a light glare back. He didn't seem to notice it tho.

Then, it snapped inside your head. No wonder his voice was so familiar. You looked at him and took the chance to find out, if it is true, then you're probably double dead. But you convince yourself that even if he tries to hurt you, you were at the hotel, someone is bound to help you.

"Um, oh, i forgot to introduce myself.. I'm [Y/n] [L/n], nice to meet you.. Sir.."

And you were right. His eyes was wide for a second before it was replaced with disgust, he yanked your hand and you almost lost your balance.

"Of-fucking-course you are. Now wonder your voice reminds me of some bitch. No surprise seeing you here in hell tho, you were always nothing but a disappointment. Even god thinks so."

You basically trembled as eyes were sticking on both you and your "father". He then let's go of you harshly and you stumbled back before falling, demons around weren't helping either. Although some of them gave you pitiful looks, so you decided that maybe they just too scared to interfere. I mean, you would too.

"See? Pathetic. Even as a demon you're trash, and now you're trying to do this whole hotel thing? HahaA--"

Something pulled your dad back, and he was met by a pair of a sickeningly dark pair of eyes that you've known too well.

"Excuse me sir, but I'm pretty sure that that kind of behaviour is not allowed here."

Your "father" was surprised to see Hell's one of the most powerful demons defending you, he almost gives out a somewhat proud smirk, only for it to turn into a scoff. Thankfully, he was decent enough not to mess with Alastor, as he immediately got out the doors and hopefully not coming back.

"My dearest, are you alright?" oh and he comforts you throughout the day too, he almost swears to kill your dad (if that's even possible) but you immediately told him not to.

Either way, he is precious and would do anything for you. Would recommend getting yourself an Alastor, 10/10.

Marquis de Lafayette.

Hamilton: an American musical.

Hamiltime.

(I'm changing the writing style just becuz I'm in the mood)

You just got back from a long day hanging out with the Schuyler Sisters, and also the boys of course. Funnily enough, you and Peggy get along really well, and for the boys? Lafayette's definitely your favorite. Actually he's more than just your 'favorite', you're not even sure yourself, you just felt safe and nice inside when you're around him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

A familiar deep voice that you've been scared for so long spoke up, you stopped dead on your tracks, trying to look calm. You then turned around to be met with a pair of deadly sharp and dark eyes piercing through you, in which you quietly gulped in response.

"I'm sorry i came back late, dad. I was with the Schuyler Sisters and-"

"You really think I'll believe that lying mouth of yours?"

Those words caught you off guard since you are, for a fact, not lying. You really were with Angelica and the others, and so you gave him your 'what are you talking about?' face, and he did not like that. He approached you, and you slowly but surely walked backwards, in hopes of getting away from him. When he was only a few inches from you, he spoke up again.

"Don't you fucking lie to me, who was that man with you? Who the fuck was he?" His voice low with growl as he fixed his sight to yours. You took another gulp of your own spit as he was starting to push you into a corner.

"I wasn't lying! I really was with The Sisters, that boy is just one of ou-"

Slapped

You could feel the hot print on your left cheek as it was burning with pain from the sudden hit, you hold it with your arm. This time you had enough, it was enough living in a world where girls don't have any rights, and you were absolutely not gonna let this man use that against you. Even if he is your blood.

"I'll ask you again, and this time i want an answer, not a rambling about some nonsense you pulled out of your ass."

You looked at him dead in the eye before finally giving an answer.

"Marquis de Lafayette. There, you have it. May i go now?" You said with disgust and anger lacing in every word. This made your so called dad shut up, before forcefully yanked you away. You ran to your room and find yourself falling asleep while crying, at this point all you wanna do was die. With all the smell of cigarettes and alcohol, you basically almost puked, and you still can't believe your mom left you with him. When you woke up, you checked the time. 11:36. At this rate, you could barely sleep again, and you didn't want to be in a house with that jerk anyways, so a brilliant-yet-kinda-dumb idea came to mind. You got out of the house quietly, you didn't want to even try spending the night there anymore, and to be honest, you didn't know where to go.

You could visit the Schuyler Sisters, yes, but going to the Schuyler Mansion at this time of night? Maybe not. You couldn't go to one of the boys' house either, that's just weird. And you didn't want to look like slut. So your thoughts just came to that one place, the place you and the rest of the gang met. The place where you and Lafayette met. The bar. Plus it's open twenty/four hours so it's not like you'll be trespassing.

And so you did what you thought you did. You go there, at first you thought that you would probably be alone in the bar considering how late it is, and that's a good thing considering the red burning mark on your cheek haven't left yet. But nope. The bar was actually kinda noisy, you looked inside to see Alex and his friends there getting drunk, and so you tried to avoid eye contact and go back outside. Well that was your plan until a certain drunk frenchman called you out.

"Mon amie, (Y/n)! Why are you here at this time of night? A beautiful mademoiselle like you shouldn't do that~" Lafayette slurred almost every word as he is drunk. You stopped dead on your tracks and turned around to smile at them, using your hair to cover the bruises left on your cheek. As you looked closely, you could see that Alexander is probably the only sober one out of the group, and not actually drunk.

"Yeah (Y/n), why are you here? Oh, you can come join us if you want to." Alex, the only stable one at the moment continued.

"That's a great idea Al! Come, mon amie! I'll buy you a drink."

Lord tell me how to say no to this-- But seriously, you wanted to go so badly but you barely even could walk out the moment you saw that smile. And so you just had to walk back, which all the boys cheered on.

"What's wrong, (Y/n)? You're awfully quiet,"

"Yeah, most of the time you're basically the one who can't shut up."

"Yo, talk if you want a free booze."

And yet you kept silent, although a silent chuckle can be heard only by yourself did rang through your ears. The boys were starting to get worried, especially with your new hairdo that covered half of your face.

"Huh, someone's actually denying free booze, something is wrong" Hercules said as he rubbed his nonexistent beard, Laurens just tried to swipe your hair away but you quickly slapped his hands away as soon as it was near your face.

"Sheesh, no touching your new hair, i get it. No need to slap me for it." He said with almost looks like a pout, this time the frenchman was asking you questions, and you didn't want to answer. But in the same time, you don't have the heart to ignore him.

"(Y/n), please, tell me what's wrong.. Why are you covering your face?" and now, you also wanted to die. That face, that damned face, god why can't you just ignore it like anyone else's? You let out a sigh as you finally lets all those emotions loose. Tears were pouring down your face almost as fast as Hercules chugging down a beer, and you could barely took any control of them. You buried your face in Laff's shoulder, him petting your head as you realease all your burdens and tears at the same time. The others were stunned, but is confused on what to do, so they just wait for you to stop crying before saying anything that could make you more emotional, if that's even possible.

You wiped your tears, and when you go to wipe the remaining liquid on your left eyes, you unconsciously exposed the big red mark on your left cheek. Boy, little did you know that they'll immediately turn into interrogators in less than a minute.

"(Y/n). What is this?" Hercules' voice rang first with what seems like anger, second came Alex, with his voice that sounded way more than just 'worried'.

"Who the fuck did this?" He said as he tried to put your hair behind your ear, you avoided his touch and just sinks more into Lafayette's embrace, who's weirdly being quiet through this, although his gaze didn't seem to left you at all.

"(Y/n), Let us take a look. I can't believe someone actually did that to you." It's true, you never told anyone about your 'daddy issues', you didn't want to gain any pitty. Time went on and it's almost One AM now, Laff's gaze didn't seem to have left you, in fact, they were stern, it didn't helped the fact that he haven't said anything in the past hour.

You ended up getting cornered and so you told them, about everything that was happened last night. They. Were. Furious. It didn't surprise you though, if your friend were going through the same thing, you'd probably ready to murder someone too.

"(Y/n), does zis 'ave something to do with me?" You immediately flinched. The reason you were slapped was because you didn't want to tell your dad about Lafayette, and he basically could see it through you. He immediately cursed himself, blaming everything that he thought he did wrong. With a little explanation and help from Alex and the others, you got him to calm down and kissed him in his cheek. In which he responds with a blush acrossed his face.

In the end, Lafayette asked you to stay with him for a while and said it was "the least he could do." Basically you were treated like a princess, nothing major happened other than cuddles and venting, he would pat your head and hold you close when you started crying. Sometimes he would kiss your forehead and says sweet nothings to you. He insisted to sleep on the couch while you took the bed, and ever since, the guys would act like your brothers, especially Laurens and Mulligan, they would actually shower you with new dresses and act proud whenever you and Lafayette had "a step forward". (They became your personal wingmans too.)

Not long after, The schuylers took you in, or more like - dragged you in. Philip Schuyler had left the Mansion to his daughters, and so which give them the opportunity to make you their roommates. You four would just chill at night and trash talk your dad when wanted to. (courtesy of big sis Angie™).

Alex on the other hand, was determined to make your dad looked like a fool, even though you told him countless times that he didn't need to do that. He would write about your dad with headlines like "Man Treats Daughter Worse Than Slave" or something like that. In which you laughed about, somehow you still feel bad about the amount of hate your dad gives, but you also feel as if he deserves it for hitting you all those years.

The last but not least, Lafayette. The man asked you out after you moved with the Schuylers, he said he's lonely now that you're not with him and he missed you, he also said that was the time he realized he had feelings for you. You immediately said yes and have been courting with him ever since. Honestly he's just the embodiment of love and cuddles, and you love him for every support he gave you.

[sulietsexual]

Hi I see you post a lot of pro Chris stuff and I don't want to push you to discuss anything but could you give me one example of when he treated Lorelai better than Luke? I mean he didn't even show up at the hospital after her dad had a heart attack and Luke did.

I’ll address the hospital point first, because it’s not as cut and dry as “Chris didn’t show up for Lorelai and Luke did.” 

In the episode in question we learn that Chris turned his phone off after his fight with Lorelai the night before and that’s why he didn’t turn up. It wasn’t because he was deliberately staying away, it’s because he literally didn’t know what was going on because his phone was switched off. Was switching off his phone and ghosting his wife for a day immature? Yes, of course. But he had no way of knowing that Richard would have a heart attack and that Lorelai would need him that day, and we do see that as soon as he turns his phone on and gets the messages he goes to the hospital. So, yeah, not a simple as “Luke was there and Chris wasn’t” but more a case of “Chris made a bad decision in turning his phone off and ending up looking like he didn’t care when in actuality he wasn’t aware of the situation”.

It’s hard to compare Luke and Chris and their relationships with Lorelai because they were so different and happened at such different times in her life. But I will always maintain that Luke treated Lorelai really badly during their relationship (and even before it), for a number of reasons.

For starters, he’s terrible at communication. He often just blows up at her instead of actually talking things through, such as when he yells at her when she buys his dad’s boat or the weekend they spend with Rory and Logan at Martha’s Vineyard where he’s snarky and complains the whole time. He doesn’t talk to her when he has a problem, he just yells and expects her to read his mind.

He cuts her out of his life time and again. At the beginning of Season 5 he tells her that he’s “all in” and then at the first sign of trouble, he bails. The whole debacle at Richard and Emily’s Wedding wasn’t even her fault (it was Emily and Chris’) and yet Luke dumps her, leaving her alone at the wedding and breaking up with her, simply because he didn’t want to deal with the fact that Emily didn’t like him and Chris got drunk and acted like a douche. Lorelai did nothing wrong in that scenario, yet he made her feel like he couldn’t deal with their relationship, made her feel like she had driven him away, and didn’t go back to her until Emily literally told him to. He went from being “all in” to bolting at the very first sign of trouble, instead of actually talking things through with Lorelai.

Then there’s April and really the entirety of Season 6. After (once again) screaming at Lorelai for something that wasn’t her fault, he tells her that the most important thing is trust, that they can’t have a relationship without being honest with one another and that he wants her to tell him everything. Then he finds out that he has a daughter and he hides it from Lorelai for two months (and probably would have continued to hide it if she hadn’t accidentally found out). After all that talk about trust and honesty, he hides something that huge from his fiance, lies to her face for two months and cuts her out of his life. If I were Lorelai, I would have been so hurt and betrayed.

Then, he postpones the wedding, right after Lorelai discovers that he’s been lying to her and keeping her out of such a huge part of his life, essentially sending the message that he doesn’t want to commit to her, that she doesn’t matter to him. He then spends the entire season blocking her from that part of his life, not letting her meet or spend time with April, not communicating with her, keeping her out of the loop and remaining blindly oblivious to how much he’s hurting her. He makes her feel small and insignificant, like she doesn’t have a place in his life, like he doesn’t want to be with her or share his life with her. Lorelai ends the season miserable because the man she wanted to spend her life with has treated her so badly for so many months. It’s horrible to watch.

Now, while Chris isn’t always the best person or the most reliable guy, he has always been clear with Lorelai. She has always known where she stands with him. At sixteen years old he was prepared to marry her, go to work with her father and commit to her and Rory but she turned him away. Over the years he has always been clear that he loves her, has always communicated and been upfront about his feelings. When he leaves in Season 2 it’s not because he wants to, it’s because he’s being the decent man and going back to Sherri to be a father, to support her and his child - something Lorelai didn’t let him do.

Then, when they’re together in Season 7, he is open and honest, he communicates with and talks to Lorelai. He lets her be a part of Gigi’s life and talks to her about changes in his life, he shows her Sherri’s letter within days of getting it, he discusses his daughter with her and actually lets Lorelai be a part of his (and Gigi’s) life. When they fight, they communicate openly afterwards, acknowledge why they were fighting, and reconcile (as opposed to Luke, who just yelled and then dictated the terms of their reconciliation). 

Chris is also, IMO, a better match for Lorelai. He is more outgoing and extroverted (like her), he kept up with her and knew how to handle her best. They had a playful and light banter, as opposed to the snarky and often mean “banter” which Luke and Lorelai had. Chris was happy for her when she was with Max and wished her genuine congratulations, as opposed to Luke who spent Lorelai’s entire engagement telling her that marriages fail and talking about how disastrous weddings were but then seemed to think that making the Hupa (sp?) made up for months of snarking.

But what of Chris’ behaviour at Emily and Richard’s wedding, you ask. Yes, let’s talk about that. Chris was a gigantic douchebag at that event. He was drunk and awful and he shouldn’t have said the things he said. He had also just suffered two extremely traumatising life events mere months before. His father had died and his wife had left him. He was emotional, grieving and vulnerable and Emily manipulated that vulnerability. While that’s not an excuse for his behaviour it is a reason and given how the rest of the time Chris is supportive of Lorelai and her relationships, this was definitely an OOC moment for him, brought on by his grief and loneliness.

So this got very long, but hopefully has cleared things up for you regarding my feelings towards both Luke and Chris and their respective relationships with Lorelai.