#yay…!!! just am miserable still :(

[bunnihearted]

🐁☁️🌫️

[nomairuins]

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

[moved-to-mettatonsbestie]

come on...... where is the joy and excitement the holidays usually makes me feel,,,, i barely care, like what is even the point in getting excited if my only plan is to work.

[campirebitesarchive]

.

[weirdtenderlove]

i want dick so bad from a pretty girl i could scream

[thought--bubble]

In Need Of an Heir Part 3

Aemond (Canon Era) X (Baratheon! Reader)

Warnings after the cut.

Word Count: 3,177

In Need Of an Heir Master list

Canon Era Aemond Master List

Full Master list

Banners By @arcielee

Warnings: Forced marriage, panic attack(took from personal experience for this) Nothing else really 🥰

A/N: Sorry this took so long! I did get that promotion, by the way! (I am now a staff accountant. Yay! 🥳) prepping for finals was the opposite of a good time....(strategic management and policy form was actually a form of torture and not a class🫠🫠) one more semester until graduation! 💚💚

The end of that dinner could not have come soon enough, when it finally did come you and Royce were the first two to head out of the room.

Once you enter the corridor, your brother lets out a chuckle "Unbelievable"

"What?!" You snap at him, your soft, gentle demeanor starting to peel back.

"You'll be a princess in a few days' time." He taps her arm thoughtfully.

"Oh yes, such wonderful news, my warm and inviting future spouse has me weak in the knees" you hiss

Royce looks at you and raises and eyebrow "ahhh there she is. I was waiting for you to be the little storm I know you are"

You roll your eyes. "This isn't funny, Royce! That man is void of all emotion"

Royce looks around. "Keep your voice down. These walls have ears"

You huff, you know he's right, but at this moment, you just want to scream at anyone who will listen that you do not want this.

You and Royce continue back to your chambers in silence. You are hardly feeling sad or anxious anymore. The only thing you feel now is rage.

When you enter your chambers, Royce follows behind you.

"I know he seems......cold," he says as soon as the door closes. You shoot him a pointed glare as he chuckles, "but" he puts his finger to his chin as if in deep thought, "he may perhaps be different when the two of you are alone. He is a prince, he was raised to show the world a certain version of himself. I'm sure there is a different version of him that he would show his wife"

You again roll your eyes. Royce could be right, but you don't want to hear this right now. You just want to escape this situation.

He sighs. "All I'm saying is don't just assume the whole affair will be miserable"

"I just don't understand how father could still allow this to happen in the first place! What of the disrespect shown to our house? He murdered a messenger in our skies, kin may I mind you. Then, he runs off and marries a low born servant while betrothed to me!"

"That was a rumor from what I understand. No marriage took place. She was but a paramour, " Royce says as he pours himself some wine.

"Oh yes that's much better. A man of honor clearly" you look away from Royce jaw tight.

Royce chuckles again and shakes his head. "Men can be weak to the allure of women do not take it as a personal affront."

You grit your teeth. " I am not taking it personally. I am taking it as a testament to his lack of moral fiber"

Royce sighs and gives you an annoyed look before running his hand down his face. " You needn't love the man. Just act as a faithful wife and a kind and just queen, and when the time comes, a loving mother." he sits down in the armchair before the hearth. "Just perform your duties and stay out of his way"

"You wouldn't understand, you will marry some noble woman who will answer to you, you are not the one who will be at the mercy of some Targaryen psychopath who burnt down half the realm in anger! Do not try and pretend to understand the situation in which I find myself and the very real dangers I now face!" You calm yourself and look at Royce with despair."Is there truly no way out of this?"

He looks at you with sympathy. "With this marriage, Baratheon blood will sit the iron throne. There is no way out of this, I'm afraid"

"Life as a broodmare..... lucky me"

"You will be queen of the seven kingdoms .."

"A broodmare dressed in jewels is still a broodmare." You sigh and look toward the bedchamber.

"I wish to retire." You feel exhausted and defeated

"Very well," he says as he stands. "Since you can not change your situation, I would suggest you find the good in it." With that statement, he leaves your chambers.

You roll your eyes as you hear the door close.

'The good in it,' you think to yourself,'how exactly do I find the good in a situation in which I have no power or control?"

The next few days went by in a whirlwind. The lack of time to prepare for the wedding had the dowager queen Alicent scrambling to have as much of what was expected of a royal wedding as possible. You were constantly being dragged to dress fittings, while Alicent stood approving or denying the fabrics and designs of the dress. You stood there like a mannequin. Not one choice was yours. Not the dress, not the jewelry, not the hair style and certainly not the groom.

A groom which you had seen none of. There was no courting or getting to know eachother you simply prepared for the wedding with the dowager queen, and he was off doing something else you knew nothing of. You would be married off to a man you have only ever greeted.

This had you in a state of mild disassociation. You simply existed in your day to day movements instead of living in them.

The day before the wedding started like all the others. Invited to tea first thing with the dowager queen. You made your way through the winding corridors, having memorized the path from your apartments to hers.

As you come upon her door, you tap lightly. One of Alicents serving girls answers the door and ushers you in.

"You come around the corner to see the dowager queen sitting in her usual stance teacup in hand. " she smiles up at you gently as she waits for you to take a seat.

"So I think we are as prepared as we are going to get. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow, so..... I think today will be a good time for you to take some rest."

You squint your eyes at her in disbelief. "Hmm" is all you manage to say.

"Though" she starts, and you think to yourself, "Here it comes' "there is one thing I hoped to discuss with you. Since your mother is unable to get here in time, I wished to......... guide you. . .. through the requirements of your wedding night"

You inwardly cringe at the mention of your wedding night. You had been taught as a girl growing up about the coupling that will take place between a man and his wife. How important it is to consummate your marriage, and it is certainly not something you wish to discuss with Alicent.

"Oh " is all you can manage to say as you wring your hands in your lap.

"Aemond will guide you just listen to his instructions, and you will be fine. Don't be nervous or scared, " you can tell she is trying to bring you comfort, but it only serves to make you more uncomfortable.

"I understand this is a subject he is quite educated on already." You regret the words as soon as they leave your mouth and close your eyes. "My apologies, your grace, that was most inappropriate"

She sighs and looks down at her lap as she picks her fingers. "It was....but I can understand your distaste for impropriety." she places her teacup down and makes direct eye contact with you. "I ask only that you do not judge him too harshly. A man at war is under an immense amount of stress and may make poor decisions. He is a good man, though, my son, and I have not one doubt it my mind that he will be a good husband."

You nod desperate for this conversation to end so you can take your leave.

She sighs again as she eyes you up and down. No doubt trying to dicern your thoughts. "Very well. You may go. Do take a walk through the gardens. They are most beautiful and are a wonderful place to clear one's thoughts"

You thank her for her hospitality before you curtsey and gently walk out of her apartments. The moment you enter the corridor, you place your hand over your chest, trying to calm your fast beating heart.

You are chastising yourself in your head for speaking so out of turn with the dowager queen. 'What was I thinking? What if she tells him? What if he takes great offense?'

"Ugghhh"

"Is everything alright, my lady?"

You close your eyes and freeze before slowly turning around and coming face to face with your future husband. You have been so busy fighting this arrangement that you had not taken the time to properly look at him, but here, in front of you like this, you can not help but gaze at him.

Tall and lithe. Long bonde hair top half pulled back . Sharp jawline and high cheekbones. His one purple eye boring into you.

"Oh... yes, my prince just.....ummm big day tomorrow"

"Hmmm," he clicks his tongue as he looks you up and down. "Are you due to visit my mother?"

"Oh no, just left her company, actually," you shift nervously from one foot to the other.

"Very well then, I will keep you no longer." he walks past you and gently knocks on the door to Alicent's apartments.

You perform a small curtsey and then continue to make your way down the corridor. Before rounding the corner, you look back at the man standing before his mother's door. His long slender frame stood perfectly poised with his slim waist and long arms tucked behind him.

You feel your cheeks warming up slightly as you look at him, a small smile coming to your face before you come to your senses, turning quickly and continuing toward the gardens.

You reach the gardens quickly and look for a place to sit. You decide to sit by some rose bushes and start to laugh, thinking to yourself,

'I'm marrying a Targaryen prince, a mass murdering kinslayer. Who I am just now noticing is most pleasing to my eyes.' You put your face into your hands.

"I've gone daft"

"You've always been daft." Your head shoots up to see Royce standing over you.

"May I not have a moment where a man doesn't just sprout from the ground unannounced!"

He looks at you quizzically but just shrugs it off. "I wanted to see you on this your last day of being unwed"

"That is most kind, brother, but at this moment, I would like to be alone with my thoughts"

"I will be leaving quickly after the wedding. I really would like to spend some time with you. I do not know when I shall see you again"

You feel a pang of sadness in your chest. Once Royce leaves, it will just be you and the Targaryens. You'll be a little storm surrounded by dragons.

You spend the entire afternoon with Royce. Instead of talking about your upcoming marriage, you choose to reminisce about your shared childhood at storms end. How you used to sneak out to watch Royce's sword training lessons or how you used to steal Cassandra's hairbrushes and hide them throughout the castle just so you could watch her and her serving girls as they looked for them frantically. The nights when there would be a particularly strong storm outside you and your siblings would sit together and watch strikes of lightning cross the sky and enjoy just being in eachothers presence without having to say a word. The memories fill you with joy as well as grief.

You never realized how important these moments were when you were in them. But now that they are just memories and you know you won't be making any more memories like this, a feeling of finality settles over you.

You have supper in your chambers, just Royce and you, and once he leaves and your chamber maid helps you out of your dress and into sleep clothes you get in bed and lay down staring at the canopy above you.

Everything changes tomorrow. You leave house Baratheon the only thing you have ever known, and join house Targaryen. Royce will leave, and it will not just be you and your new family. Your new husband

You fought with yourself all night, willing to sleep to come, and when it finally did, it felt like simply a blink of the eye before you were being woken up, 3 chamber maids bustling about your chamber.

"Good, Morn, my lady." Amber greets you delicately. "We have a bath prepared for you"

"What of breaking fast?" You groggily grumble, trying to blink the sleep from your eyes.

"After the bath, my lady.... lots to do today. " Amber stands beside the bed hands clasped in front of her as she waits for you to get out of bed.

"Yes, ok, you are right." You sit up and look around your chamber. There are 2 more chamber maids assisting amber with filling the tub. They have the tub filled and seem to just be waiting for you.

You slide your feet off the side of the bed, and they hit the cold floor. You close your eyes and take a deep breath, your stomach a mix of knots and nervous queasyness.

You stand up and head over to the tub. You put one finger in the water. It is warm and inviting but you hesitate. Completing this bath is one step closer to the Sept. Every single thing you do today is one step closer to that damned Sept.

Your legs begin to wobble a bit beneath you.

"My lady?" Amber asks while looking at you with a concerned gaze.

"Let's get this over with" you strip from your night clothes and sink into the warm water and the three maids surround you a maid on each side scrubbing your body while amber is washing your hair.

It's all so dehumanizing. Being scrubbed and polished. Like some kind of jewel or prize for your new husband. You stare blankly ahead as the maids do their duty lost in your thoughts.

When your bath is complete, you are dried off and changed into a very basic gown. No doubt so you can have your morning meal before the real poking and prodding begins.

You try to eat but end up mostly just pushing food around your plate. Once you finally admit defeat and accept the fact that you are not going to get much more down besides a lone strawberry and a few grapes the real preening is ready to begin.

First Amber combs and braids your hair. A beautiful design of twisted braids accented by little white flowers she placed along the crown of your head.

Before you even have time to marvel at the beauty of it, you are dragged off to be fitted into your wedding gown one final time.

As the soft fabric of the dress sails across your skin, it suddenly feels suffocating, stifling. You start to push at the fabric, trying to get it off.

"My lady?" Amber asks concerned

"I ... I can't wear this.... I can't do this!" You start pushing on the fabric more forcefully desperate to remove the garment.

"My lady we haven't much time left-" Amber is cut off by your screams

"You think I'm unaware of how little time is left?" You bark at her, shoving the fabric off of your arms, watching as the dress pools around your feet.

Your breathing is fast and your head is spinning.

"I'll get the dowager queen" one of the maids says frantically as she goes to leave the room.

"No!" Amber interrupts. "Get lord Royce"

The other maid nods and leaves the room

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have snapped at you that way," you say, clearly panicking. You look down at the gown.

"I.... I have to get dressed......" Your stomach lurches.

"Let's just take a quick break, my lady," Amber says, gently putting her hand out to you to help you step down from the pedestal you had been placed on.

You nod furiously. "Yes, a break. Yes, " your breathing begins to regulate as you step out of the dress and off the pedestal.

The first maid returns with Royce following closely behind. You look up at Royce eyes wide and burst into tears.

"Everyone out," he orders, and the maids all scurry from the room.

"Little storm," he says while walking over to you

"I can't, Royce. I can not do this"

He grabs you by the shoulders looking you directly in your eyes.

"You can do this, and you will. As is your duty to your house and the realm, storms don't bend they don't bow. They persevere"

You leap into Royce's arms "please Royce please don't make me do this"

"It is done, sister, you will be fine. You will be queen, and you will make the realm better for it"

He stays with you for a while gently rocking you while your breathing returns to normal.

"You're right. I can do this. He is but at man at the end of it all"

Royce just smiles at you. "Now I will send the chamber maids back in. Can't have you married in a chemise." He chuckles.

He takes your hand and helps you back up on the pedestal. You step into the dress as he leaves the room and quickly the maids return, and this time, the dress slips on. The corset tightened. The sleeves puffed. The skirts fluffed.

A beautiful sapphire necklace is placed on your chest, and the baratheon maidens cloak is placed upon your shoulders.

The maids leave the room as you stare at yourself in the long mirror.

Who is this woman? Certainly, isn't me. You run your fingers over the sapphire that sits on your chest. Such an odd choice. You would have thought of a ruby or even an emerald.

When the dowager queen enters to do a final check and approval of your appearance, you don't feel as scared or nervous as you did at the start of this day.

This is my duty, and I will complete my duty with dignity and poise.

You are then led through the corridors of the castle. A few maids accompany you. One holding your train the other your hand to keep you steady on your feet as you enter the courtyard.

There in the courtyard stands Royce in some of his finest clothes next to a carriage with the door open. The carriage that will bring you to the Sept. Your last carriage ride as an unwed maiden.

You take a deep breath and walk towards Royce head held high. As he takes your hand and helps you into the carriage. He then follows you in and closes the door behind you.

"You ready?" He asks

"Actually,... I think I am"

Part 4

To be added to taglist click here

[nyoomfruits]

i somehow lost the ask but this was written for the ‘wanna practice’ kiss prompt with lestappen :)

The door of the dorm room swings open rather dramatically, banging against the opposing wall as Charles comes barging through, beeling for this bed and flopping down on it face first. 

“Do I just suck?” He asks, voice muffled by his pillow. 

“Yes,” Max says, not looking up from where he is working on his econ homework on his own side of the dorm room. 

“You don’t even have any context,” Charles says, unburrying his face. Max glances at him. He’s pouting.

“Hm,” Max says, pretends to consider it. “No, my answer stands.”

Charles makes a dramatic strangled warbling noise and falls back into the pillows. Not for the first time, Max regrets becoming his friend. It was easier, back in high school, when they were sworn enemies. Lot less exaggerated sighing as Charles waits for him to ask him what’s wrong. 

After the fifth sigh, a deep one that must be coming from the depths of Charles toes, Max finally relents. “Fine,” he says. “What happened?”

Charles looks up with entirely too much glee, happy to be indulged, as he says, “I think I’m like, unloveable.”

Max suppresses his snort as he thinks of all the people that would line up to get their shot with Charles Leclerc. “Sure,” he settles on. “Why?”

“I was making out with this girl last night and then she made this very obvious excuse and just left. And there was this guy, a week ago, we’d just been making out for like, maybe a minute and then he went ‘nope’ and left.” Charles has flopped onto his back now, staring miserably at the ceiling. 

“Maybe you’re just bad at kissing,” Max says, frowning down at his econ homework.

“What? No I’m not,” Charles says, indignant. There’s a pause, during which Max scribbles some things down in his notes. Then, very quietly, “Oh my god, maybe I am.”

Max makes a ‘well, there you go’ motion, and hopes this means he can finally go back to finishing this assignment. It isn’t due for another two days, but there’s that paper coming up and he has time now, so-

“Kiss me,” Charles says. Max hadn’t even heard him move, but he’s here now, leaning into Max’s space like some kind of siren out of a Greek myth trying to lure him into the depths of seduction. 

Or something. If anything, Max’s brain isn’t really working right. Charles is right there, in his space, hands leaning on the sides of Max’s desk chair, looking ridiculously… giddy, almost. Max had this dream once. But Charles had looked a lot more sultry and his eyes had been closed and he’d been sitting in Max’s lap instead of leaning over him and-

“Why,” Max says. In his haste to stop that insane train of thought, he forgets to phrase it as a question. 

Charles pouts at him. His nose is inches away from Max’s. “So you can tell me if I’m a bad kisser.”

“Who says I’d be a good judge of that,” Max says, instead of outright ‘no’, because he’s a self sabotaging idiot. “Maybe I’m a horrible kisser.”

Charles tssk’s. “You and Daniel dated for like two years. If you’d been bad at kissing he’d dumped you much sooner.”

“Thanks,” Max says, frowning. “I think.”

“Come on,” Charles weedles. “Just see it as like, practice. For you. For when the next Daniel comes along.”

Max snorts derisively. The next Daniel is currently trying to convince him to kiss, so. Whatever. “Fine,” Max eventually says, because Charles is a stubborn little bastard and maybe if they kiss he will finally leave Max to his assignment. 

Also Charles is still there, in his space, with his big green eyes and his stupid pouty mouth and Max is only a man, so. 

“Yay!” Charles says, and then abruptly lunges forward to smash his lips against Max’s. 

Their teeth clunk together and Max winces as his nose bumps against Charles’s, and he lets out a strangled little noise as he gently pushes Charles back. 

He’s starting to see there might be some truth to the whole ‘Charles is bad at kissing’ thing. 

“Wow, okay, let’s just,” he gently pushes a confused Charles further back and gets up out of his chair, so they’re face to face. “Maybe do it a little more gently, yeah? Like this,” He puts one hand on Charles chin, tilts his fac up a little, softly brushing their lips together before pressing a little harder, letting their lips slide against each other. 

And oh, it’s much better like this, Charles following Max’s lead, his hands coming to rest on Max’s waist as Max’s hands slip into Charles’s hair, and he’s a little enthusiastic with his tongue at first, but he’s a quick learner, and for a moment there Max forgets all concept of time. 

“Ah,” Charles says when he pulls away. There’s a frown on his face, like he's deep in thought. “Yes. I might have been doing that wrong.”

Max merely hums, still reeling a little bit from the experience, still feeling the faint touch of Charles’s lips on his own, not trusting himself to speak. 

“Well!” Charles suddenly says, seemingly shaking himself out of whatever thought process he’d gotten tangled up in. “Thanks for that! I shall put it into practice now.” 

It takes Max a while to understand what he means, but then Charles is putting on his jacket and grabbing his keys and oh. 

He means with other people. 

“Right,” Max says, trying really hard not to look disappointed. “Right, well, good luck.”

“Thanks!” Charles yells over his shoulder, before moving through the door, taking Max’s entire heart with him. 

Max is left standing in the middle of the room, staring forlornly at his econ homework. It suddenly lost all of its earlier appeal. Especially when he can still feel the ghost of Charles’s finger tips on his waist. 

[thepersonnamedsam]

is that bluey? - dr3

pairing: daniel ricciardo x fem!reader

summary: being home alone with a migraine, you turn on a show that reminds you of your boyfriend

word count: 803

warnings: if you have emetophobia, you probably shouldn’t read it…

note: i myself am currently suffering from a migraine and i am just listening to bluey to not feel so alone, yay me

masterlist / taglist

The toilet was your favourite place right now. With a blanket laid down on the floor and a cushion under the toilet, you were curled up in the bathroom. You installed a power strip, so every electronic device could be charged, such as the humidifier, your iPad, the kettle and your phone. Plus it was the only room without a window, which usually was something bad, but that day it was a blessing.

You were home alone, Daniel was away with Scotty, either training or doing some shit. You wanted him here, but you also didn’t want to disturb him. You had a migraine, it was one of the milder ones, you had worse of 'em, but still bad enough to stick to the toilet. The cold floor helped you stick to reality. You were sweating like crazy and your left side of your head was pounding. It was like your heart was in your head.

Nausea overtook your body once in a while, but there was something that helped you through it all; Bluey! Even though you usually didn’t like the blue-light of the electronics, today it was some relief because you felt less alone. You couldn’t wait until Daniel got back.

You knew the show because of Danny‘s nieces and nephews, they were always watching the show. Daniel was always invested in the show, trying to watch it at home with you, but you always refused. But now it reminded you of him, especially the way Bandit is treating Bluey and Bingo. It reminded you of him and his sisters kids. You missed Daniel, having a migraine without someone caring for you was the worst.

That’s why, when you heard the key in the door, you were so excited you almost felt your eye pop out of its socket.

„Baby? I‘m home, where are you?“, he shouted through the flat. His loud voice pounded through your head. You loved him, really, but you could’ve killed him that moment. He opened the door to the bathroom and saw you lying on the floor. His mind instantly connected the dots; you had a migraine!

„Aww my poor baby, how can I help?“, his voice now in a hush, not wanting to worsen the ache in your head. You whined and opened your arms. He snickered and tried to fit his lanky body on the floor. You cuddled into his body and closed your eyes.

„Are you watching Bluey?“, he tried to contain his excitement in his voice, but failed miserably. You hummed and he just smiled at you. „Finally“, he whispered.

„But why?“ - „I missed you, s‘all.“

After a while, you felt the nausea kicking in and you wrestled yourself out of Danny’s arms. Thank god you were already in the bathroom, because you didn’t know how long you could’ve contained yourself.

You felt Danny trying to make a ponytail with your hair and a soothing hand rubbing over your back.

„Let it all out, my sweet girl. That’s good, let it all out“, he whispered to you. You hated vomiting, it’s the worst. You were just dry heaving after some time, your body still trying to eject everything from your stomach. Tears were hitting the toilet ring and Daniel wiped your eyes with his thump.

„I know, I know, everything’s gonna be good. Just a few more moments.“

„Can you please get me a glass of water and a new ice packet?“, your voice barely over a whisper. Daniel stood up and came back with all the stuff needed. He even brought you a coke, the wives tale or getting rid of nausea. He also brought a painkiller, having seen you take one only 15 minutes earlier, but when you vomited, you probably flushed the painkiller out of your body already. He was such a thoughtful person.

Later in bed, you had a bit of a moment where you felt better. „I am so happy you finally wanna watch Bluey“, Daniel exclaimed with excitement. You giggled, you knew he’d be happy to see you watching Bluey. „It reminded me of you“, you shyly smiled at him. „Aww baby.“

„You know, I think Bingo is the glue of the family, you know what I mean? Like, she’s the piece that’s holding all of the together“, you explained to your boyfriend. He chuckled lightly, he knew you’d be invested in the kids show. „Yeah, I think so too, honey“, he whispered against your temple. He kissed it and closed your eyes with his hands. „We can watch some tomorrow, hopefully your migraine‘s gone by then.“ You nodded your head, instantly regretting it.

You put the cold packet on your neck and cuddled into Daniels side. His arm snaked around your waist and pulled you even closer. „Night night, love you“, you whispered. „Love you too, darling.“

°°°

taglist: @ironmaiden1313 , @topguncultleader , @missskid , @gulabjamooon , @lovelyy-moonlight , @peachyplumsss , @mistrose23 , @copper-boom , @love4lando , @champomiel , @serenityleah , @iloveyou3000morgan , @angelwithoutmywings , @elleeeee21

[cyberphuck]

The Patreon Post

SO HERE'S THE DEAL: I do not want to make anyone have to pay to see my art.

Let's be real: there are like fifty bajillion other, more skilled, and better-known artists on Patreon putting out more detailed, more unique, more in-demand, and just more art than I am (or want to). I'm a self-taught, frequently distracted amateur who's had an iPad for a year. I'm not gonna pretend that I am going to be able to pull in more Patreon subs-- or keep them, for that matter-- on the strength of my random doodles alone. I have never really thought or even hoped that I could do that, because it would mean Doing Art As A Job, and I absolutely do not want to associate "drawing" with "work." (I also don't have the means, time, motivation or experience to self-promote and/or keep a small community of followers entertained, and even the thought of having to do all that on top of having to Draw For Work is terrifying.) There's the self esteem-destroying gutpunch that someone with BPD (me haha!) receives when they ask if something they created is "worth" a certain amount and are answered with silence. (If you have BPD, you know that 'silence' is so much worse than 'no.') I don't think that anyone is actually saying my work is worthless any more than I think stairs were invented to fuck over people with bad knees, but I want to avoid one for the same reason I avoid the other: hurts and bad for healing. And also, maybe most importantly, most of the fans of my work are my friends, and most of my friends are poor people. I do not ever want someone to have to choose between "Eggman weeping as he cradles a slain Speedy Gonzales" and "rent." Lots of people I know just don't have any money to spare even for professionally made entertainment, or, like me, sometimes they have money (yay, beginning of the month!) and sometimes they don't (booo, end of the month). I'm not gonna put a paywall between my friends and my art. So, as always, you can view all of my art on Patreon for free, without an account*. (*you will have to have an account to view NSFW stuff but this will be in the 'free' tier as well.) H O W E V E R. You guys I am so fucking poor. If you follow my blog you know the whole story already-- mental illness, chronic illness, chronic mental illness, surprise rescue puppies, surprise fines from the city, the fukken recently concussed clown show that is social services in my area-- and you've seen me having to crowdfund for everything from food to gas to dog emergencies. We budget down to the cent and have cut out so many things (like the meal replacement shakes for my eating disorder lol) and we're still not making ends meet. I've got friends who help, and they help a lot, but I hate the miserable, humiliating task of asking for help every single month. (You guys also know that I don't have family that can help me, even if shit goes critical. I was on my own while I was a homeless sex worker, on my own when we lived in a shed with no windows, on my own when we were in a house with no heat and only one source of running water, and definitely on my own now, in desperate need of mobility aids, house cleaners, and a god damn break.)

So here's where I'm at: I can't ask a few people for a lot of support, but I can ask a bunch of people for a little bit. If you like my art and want to help me keep making it, want to help me make shitpost replies to people on the internet, want to help me do free askbox art challenges: Put your doodle prompt requests in the askbox. You can even request stuff anonymously! Participate in polls about what prompts you wanna see. Reblog the art you like, show off the doodle you got, leave keysmashes in the tags. The more people see the post, the more statistically likely it is we'll find the one person on Tumblr with disposable income. Also, people should know they can get free art when the prompts are live! Sub to the Patreon if you can spare three bucks a month (you can also do Ko-fi if you don't want to make a Patreon account). Ko-fi is also a good place to just plunk something into the tip jar once in a while. There are Artcards and Monthly Sketch sub tiers on Patreon for a little bit more, but I will send an Artcard to pretty much anyone who asks as long as I have some left. The art is free, it will always be free. But if you can, spare a dollar (or three).

[mysteriouslyjovialcolor]

Mexico 2024

-I’m calm, I’m calm, I’m calm, I’m so calm

-I LIED, I AM NOT CALM

-Aaaaaaaah, okay let’s go (The race doesn’t even start until two minutes from now)

-Valterri holds the race record here as well? Asking once again why he’s in a Sauber

-Esteban from the pit lane? What happened there?

-Okay, okay, okay can’t think anymore, we’re starting

-Max!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Yuki???? Whaaaat??

-Carlos where are you going???

-Ohmygod Safety Car

-Alex out too!!

-Aaah so much chaos!!!!

-Oh that replay makes the crash looks so much worse then it looked before

-Oh wow, well done Checo. That was unexpected.

-“Unfortunately for Yuki Tsunodo, I don’t think he did anything wrong there” WHYYY

-“Sergio Perez is being investigated for a false start” I- I take whatever I said before back

-Cars weaving behind the safety car>>>

-I’m surprised Oscar hasn’t gained positions yet

-Franco has though!

-Ah Carlos!!

-The top three are so close together now!! Top four I think actually!!

-Oh god, not again with these two!

-Charles???? Ever the opportunist!!

-“Both Verstappen and Norris have handed this on a silver platter to Ferrari”

-10s penalty for Max

-Red Bull just catching Ls this week

-“10! That’s impressive!” This guy

-George and Lewis!

-Ferrari teammate drama incoming?

-Fernando Alonso retiring??? Oh his 400th race weekend?? So unfortunate

-“Keep it clean. You have a good place. Keep it clean” Oh we’re racing babyyy

-“Quite an impressive job the Haas team are doing” yessss!!

-Liam and Checo!! Oh I’m loving how much drama is happening here right now

-Wow Checo is really driving hard

-20s penalty. I will cry

-Oscar and Franco?!! Yessss! Omg this is so exciting!!

-Back to crying

-Yay Oscar! Mans just moves in silence

-So much crying. Why am I still watching?

-“This is turning into a nightmare weekend for Red Bull. A lot of it, no, in fact all of it, self-inflicted” Big sigh

-Hate when any of the Haas drivers pit and then they lose position and then sometimes they don’t regain position and then I’m sad

-Can’t afford to be more sad than this, need at least my midfielders to do well

-At least Max is back in the points. We can be somewhat happier.

-If you had told me that the multi-championship drivers (Lewis and Max) might be about to race each other I would think they’d be racing for top positions and not for p5 or p6

-Oh Charles potential undercut on Carlos? Him winning would cause so much drama, I feel it. (I secretly want it)

-“One more lap guys, come on, one more lap”

-So much pit stop strategy afoot

-I was distracted, how is Lawson p4??

-Not him still fighting Oscar

-“Mate think about pulling me out of this” I feel you Oscar (I actually don’t but I can empathize)

-Liam “cork in the bottle” Lawson!

-Yess Oscar!! Lewis too!! Double overtake!!

-Kinda expected there to be more of a fight between Max and Franco

-How has Max done a better recovery drive than Checo? What’s wrong with Checo’s car fr

-“I had a big misfire out of Turn 3” ???

-Nico back in points 🎶

-Aww Franco having car problems :/

-I guess the people are about to get what they want and Oscar is about to play the team game

-“McLaren not trying to use him to hold off Max Verstappen in any way shape or form” I’m so confused???

-Go Kevin Magnussen!!!

Ohmygodd Nico back up too!!

-Why do these two always run together?? It’s hilarious how evenly matched they look

-“Miserable Mexican Grand Prix for Sergio Perez” I feel for that guy, I really do

-“Taking away fastest lap” The things Daniel Ricciardo does to the sport

-“20s gap back to Russel” Mercedes?? Fight back??

-Franco and Oscar pt2! He’s so impressive, Franco

-“George, we are free to race here. Let’s give each other room”

-“There’s young Kimi Antonelli” He’s so tiny!

-Franco fast lap. I hope he gets to keep it this time.

-How is Lewis stuck behind George for so long?

-Aah no!! Nico lost a place :(

-Oh god Charles vs Lando incoming. I can’t watch this

-“We need your best driving now, let’s go” Aaaaaaaah

-Seriously, how is Lewis still stuck behind George?

-“In the olden days, they would’ve done something about this at Mercedes” Righttt

-Poor Franco, lost the fast lap again

-“This is not going to be the easiest fight in the world, up against Charles Leclerc”

-Aaaaaaaaaaah

-I’m actually going to cry

-OHMYGOD NO!!!

-That could’ve been so much worse tho, at least he got back in

-Haas is having such a good race, I’m so happy

-Have to acknowledge George’ defense…

-Finally!!!! Let’s go Lewis!!!

-If Carlos wins this race, it would be his second race with Lando coming 2nd (…I would have two pennies, which wouldn’t be a lot but it’s strange that it happened twice…)

-“Chasing down the man he started a bromance with” Carlando alive and kicking

-Liam Lawson fast lap lol

-“Only man to have won from pole position”

-Lol fastest lap contest

-“He’s not playing second fiddle to anyone is Carlos Sainz”

-Let’s go!!! He manifested this!!!! He got his one last win in Ferrari!!!!!

[sorastar6]

David Chiem Protagonist AU- Prologue, part 1

I finally finished something that I was working on for a long time! Yay! This AU is basically going to be a series of fanfics that I write. I may or may not actually finish this and do everything I want, but I sure hope I don't lose any motivation. So, um... Enjoy! I hope this is good!

Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a loop?

That the more things change, the more they stay the exact same? The thought of that is funny, isn’t it? The world is big and new things happen every time, every day.

“All that you have to do is just find new things and new peop-”

Shut it. Just shut your mouth, it’s rude to interrupt others.

Your choices don’t matter, anything you do just doesn’t matter. If everything is just broken at its core, there’s nothing you can do about it. The days will go by, one by one, and your life will just stay miserable as it is.

…

You don’t believe me? Well then, let me just show you. Just look into my life, you’ll see everything you need. Let’s see if you can keep up with that “hopeful” worldview of yours.

I doubt you don’t know who I am, but I'll introduce myself anyway. My name’s David Chiem. I can see that look you’re giving me, I guess you do know who I am after all.

“But David! Your life is incredible! How can you say all of these things? You’re ungratef-”

Shut it. I’m not done.

You could’ve heard about me in several places, but most likely, it was from the Hope’s Peak Academy graduation ceremony that happened a few months ago. Yup, I graduated from Hope’s Peak, amazing, right?

No it isn’t amazing. Not when your talent is something you despise. I’m the former Ultimate Inspirational Speaker. With everything you’re hearing from me, you’re probably doubting that, right? ‘There’s no way that you are the real David Chiem! You sound so pessimisti-’

Hate to it break it to you, but David’s a liar. I AM a liar. I’m 25 years old, I’ve had my career for 5 years, and guess what? Everything is based on lies! Woah, what a twist! A big celebrity is a big liar and is able to make money off of it? That never happened before!

…

That was sarcasm if you were stupid enough to not notice. Open your eyes, people like me are everywhere in this world. Just spitting what people want to hear. And somehow, they are ignorant enough to fall for it. Such stupidity…

People don’t change. And I’m the living proof of it. I hate my fucking job, I hate having to deal with annoying fans, and to top it all off? I was forced into this by someone else! And yet, I don’t do anything to stop this. Why? Simple, I’m a lazy piece of shit. I don’t even have the courage to make a proper meal, imagine having to deal with countless backlash!

Disappointed? Sowwy, don’t care. I don’t have a noble or tragic reason to do what I do. And I bet all of those other Ultimates are all the same. Everything is the same in this damn world, anyone who can’t see it is just plain stupid. There you have it, thanks for coming to my Tedtalk on why this world is hopeless! You can fuck off now. Hate me all you want, then we’ll have something in common. None of you have a reason to stay by my side anymore, goodby███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

…

Everyone has to pay for their sins one day.

Wake up, David Chiem.

…

That was a strange dream. Even if it was just a dream, it still felt… Odd. It’s not a bad feeling, but it’s not good either. I can’t quite describe it, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Everything from that dream is already escaping my mind, so why bother?

How much time am I going to stay laid down here? I need to get up, I probably have something to do. But my head is killing me, so I want to stay in bed for a few more minutes. Wait, bed? This… Doesn’t feel like my bed. It’s more… Soft? But it still doesn’t feel comfortable like my bed. Maybe I prefer not what’s better, but what’s familiar?

There it goes again, my mind just thinking about random stuff that doesn't matter. I should just get up, but finding the energy to simply open my eyes feels like it will kill me. How pathetic. After some time, I opened them.

I tried adjusting my vision to the lighting of the room. It was dark, very dark. And yet, I could tell that this wasn’t my room.

“Sigh… What did I get myself into this time?”

I sat up on this bed, stretching my limbs until I could hear that satisfying crack. I passed a hand through myself to see the state that I’m in.

No injuries, no blood, but still a mess.

I wasn’t about to tidy myself up. There is a much bigger issue at my hands.

I was just barely able to stand up, my body getting the desire to succumb to this tiredness. But I pressed on to the door. I placed my hand on the knob, looking back at the dark room behind me. Maybe staying here and resting would be a good idea, but that also could lead to me getting chained to a wall. Fuck, second guessing, I hate it.

I just looked straight into the door, knowing very well that if I just glanced at that bed, I would just throw myself in it. So, I took a deep breath.

…

And I opened the door.

And I was immediately pushed down to the ground.

“Ow! What the-”

I couldn’t even finish my sentence before my gaze met a familiar pair of sharp red eyes. Eyes that… looked like it belonged to a cat.

“… D-david?”

“… Nico…?”

[marsmarbles]

TeeHee have a DamselDuo one shot I wrote. They make me ill. Yay!! (1129 words)

Scott woke up in a cold sweat. His limbs ached, like he had been sleeping there for years instead of just a few minutes. As he surveyed himself for damage, memories came flooding back to him.

Burning hot lava. He had fallen in, been consumed by it while on his nether trip. He can still feel the fire licking his cheeks, encasing his face. Surveying his arms, he could still see burn scars that weren’t going away soon. They would stay to remind him of what he’s done, who he’s just killed.

Who he’s killed. Instead of his arms, his vision focuses on the chains trailing down his left arm. It fazes through the wall, because it’s not actually physical, just an illusion. Scott can see the vague color change from bright green to more of a lime, and he knows what color it will eventually become when it reaches his wrist.

You died. A voice whispers in his ear. Do you know what you did, Star?

“I’m pretty fucking aware, thanks.” He tries not to let the panic seep into his voice, but fails miserably. He can’t deal with the speakers right now, he has to check that he’s ok. Scott jumps out of bed, tripping his way out of the door of his cottage as he runs desperately to follow the chain. It turns from green to lime to a sickly yellow, confirming his worst fears. But really, they were confirmed the second he woke up.

He realizes halfway to his destination that he doesn’t have any of his items. His things were turned to ash in the lava, all of his iron armor and quartz lost to the fire. He ignores this best he can, trying not to think about the hours of work he wouldn’t get back.

Instead he runs faster, his footfalls echoing across the valley. Scott can feel tears prick at the corners of his eyes, whether from the stress or the wind whipping at his eyes, he isn’t sure. The other house comes into view, half built with three walls and several support beams. The chain shrinks as he gets closer, revealing the almost sunflower yellow. 

He rips open the door, looking around the house. Joel is in the middle of the floor, curled up with his head between his knees. “Joel, Joel, I’m so sorry! I-I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to, and-“

“Get out.”

“What?” 

Joel lifted his head from its perch. Scott realized his normally perfect hair was tangled everywhere, the green streak having changed to yellow. His eyes were a similar color, as were the chains around his wrists. He looked horrible, to put it lightly, as it was obvious he had shed at least a few tears. “You promised that you would keep me safe. You lied to me. Get out, Scott, before I go hunt down Pearl.”

“Joel, I-“

“Do you not have fucking ears? I said, ‘get out!’”

Scott flinched away, but refused to leave that easily. When Joel saw his stubborn expression, he just shuffled away and put his head down again. Scott looked around the half finished house, trying to find something, anything, he could use to apologize. He didn’t think he could stand for Joel to be mad at him, not like this.

Scott made his way around the house, doing his best to avoid the sullen figure on the floor. He opened the chests quietly, finding building supplies, stray snacks, and… a hairbrush. He smiled softly and picked it up, heading over to Joel and sitting behind him. 

Scott remembered the first time he had done this. It was their second day in these stupid games. He had discovered that, one, he was chained to Joel (obviously a cruel trick from the Watchers) and two, his hair was very long. Scott had experience with long hair, but Joel didn’t, and it showed. He had laughed and taken one of his ribbons, doing his best to take the leaves and sticks out of his hair before he braided it to match his. That was the first time he had seen Joel genuinely smile at him.

Now he took his hair again in his hands, humming as he brushed it out. Joel let him, keeping his head down. Slowly, he untangled the knots. It was hard work, considering how messy it was, but he finished soon enough. Softly putting the brush down, he split the mass into three strands and started braiding them together. Joel had lifted his head up at that point, not quite a pleased expression on his face, but it was close enough for Scott.

When he had finished, he used a stray ribbon he had (yellow, how ironic) to tie the end so it would stay. Scott silently slid around so he was facing Joel’s face now, and clasped his hands.

“I know there’s no real way I can apologize for what I’ve done, but I truly am sorry. I will do my best to be more careful. I-I woke up, and I was so afraid I had lost you, and-“ He took a shaky breath. “I am so, so sorry. I understand if you can’t forgive me. I’ll leave no-“ Scott stood to walk towards the door, but a hand caught his wrist and pulled him back down.

“I,” Joel took a breath. “I can forgive you. It’s fine, it would happen one day, we knew it was coming.” Joel offered him a toothy grin. “I still hate you though.”

Scott let out a wet laugh. “I love you too, Joel.” He dragged him into a hug, placing his face into his shoulder. “I love you too.”

The repetition meant something, something deeper that neither of them wanted to admit. When Scott pulled away, he offered a smile before he stood. “I’ll go tell Lizzie and Pearl what happened. I’ll be over tonight though.”

When he was less than fifteen feet from the house, an annoying voice spoke in his ear once again. 

Ooohhh, someone has a crush.

“I have standards. I don’t just fall for every guy I meet, you know.”

I don’t know, that seemed to be the case with Jimmy and Martyn and-

“Stop right there! Nope, nope, I will not have the gods metaling in my romantic life. That is something I would like to have control over, thank you very much.”

All in due time, Star.

The Speaker snickered as it flew away. Scott scoffed and kept walking, towards the house that Lizzie and Pearl inhabited. So what if he liked Joel a little more than normal? It wasn’t like anything would happen about it.

Still, as he walked, he couldn’t keep his mind off of how much yellow surprisingly fit Joel.

sorry it’s so long but I love them. Maybe expect more fanfic coming soon of Scar and Sausage???

-🌻

I’m…….im fucking speechless…..THIS IS SO GOOOODDDD RAMXKVKDKCMVMDMCN!!!!! Have you really read through my whole page???? Cuz all of this is too accurate.

Also also also!!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA HAVE THE SPEAKERS CALL SCOTT STAR!!!!!???!?!!?!! while I was reading I was “WHOT!!! THEY’RE SPYING ON ME THEY’RE SPYING ON ME!!!

You also captured the Speakers’s personality perfectly!!!

The whole time I was reading I was both smiling uncontrollably and on the verge of tears thank you so much!!! I’m so excited to read more(if you make more that is no pressure)!!!!

[jicklet]

Oh no I forgot you ship Ted/Becca.

😆 Hi anon! I hope this doesn't ruin your day or anything, whomstever you are. If you don't ship it or ship something opposing or whatever's your bag, I'm sure we can still be friends, or whatever we are.

But I've been mulling this all over since the finale, and this is a good excuse to get my thoughts out. Because I come from ye old timey shipping days of "the idea of them together is cool, regardless of whether it happens or not." so that wasn't really my problem with the ending.

Here are the things that are true:

I really like themes and parallels. I like connecting dots and finding connections and all that jazz

The number of themes and parallels they set up between Ted and Rebecca was delicious and very fun for me.

My reaction to the finale is less upset than it is frustrated and confused.

My frustration isn't purely 'they didn't get together romantically so it sucks.' I had started making peace early S3 with realizing it probably wasn't gonna happen

I am frustrated because I wanted all those bits of cool narrative shit they laid out to Do Something

I am frustrated because it feels like Ted and Rebecca have had very few emotionally connected scenes since season one, and what's the point of parallel journeys and soulmateism if their journeys are going to stay so parallel and not join up more, and then just apparently diverge completely

And on the apparent diverging, I don't love it but it would have sucked less if their lines just matched up more in the middle! That could be poignant! But as is, it's more disappointing than tragic, because whatever potential was there wasn't almost realized and then lost, but instead just... never really approached. It feels wasted.

The show did not owe us them getting together, but what it did give us, I found unsatisfying. That's just a bummer, man.

Forgive me this metaphor but I cannot find a better way to put it: I am frustrated because I feel like I got ridden for 3 seasons while they went 'just wait it'll feel so good' and then they were like 'are you ready?' and then just hopped off and left.

I am confused because at the end of their story, I cannot figure out what I am meant to be feeling about it.

Again, I didn't need them to get together romantically, they totally could've found some other way to make it satisfying! But. Ted and Rebecca getting together romantically would have also tied it up in a lot of ways that worked and made the narrative satisfying.

Having a romance arc that works with their character arcs and the themes they've built on is just really cool as a story.

Obviously all that parallel journey stuff would've actually been leading them somewhere, ie to each other, yay woo

And not to each other just because they've been through similar shit, but because, as that last post said, among a lot of other reasons, they've been set up well to be what the other person needs.

Romance is not the be all, end all. But:

Ted and Rebecca both want to be in love with someone, someday.

Here is someone who already understands and balances and supports them.

Like, that's awesome. Is that not the qualities you want for them in a future romantic partner?

I can't see how it diminishes their friendship if it caries on very similar to it has been, just like, sometimes they smooch. Maybe I'm just too demisexual for this idk

Boat guy. I like boat guy, but he's a chiller version of Ted. I can't find that post that points out all the parallels there, but that episode by the time we got to Kenny Rogers I was like. Uh. Hm.

It's confusing to have boat guy have a beautifully intimate evening with Rebecca, all the while having so many specific details similar to Ted, and then just act like romantic Tedbecca is a wild, character-ruining concept.

Because the show ends with Ted leaving and Rebecca miserably walking out of the airport and straight into proxy-Ted. I have no idea how to feel about that.

I could keep going, but I'm about out for now, so uh. Woe, wasted Tedbecca potential be upon ye~

[trans-androgyne]

I'm so sick of this. Trans men could be fucking like "lets have a discussion about unsavory attitudes or actions within queer communities when it comes to gender" and a bunch of fucking people INCLUDING OTHER TRANS MASCS are like "wooooooow cant believe youre attacking TRANS WOMEN like that this is obviously bigotry. after all theyve been through?? I am going to assume this mild criticism is about trans women (which you never said it was at all even once) and THEN tell you that because transphobia exists any disagreement with a trans woman means you want her to be HARASSED. I can't believe you think harassment is okay. also even though trans women are poor victims (I am speaking on behalf of all trans women) who you arent allowed say anything in opposition to (I think trans women are defenseless and attack people based on the idea that any criticism is trying to ruin their lives) (don't you know its impossible for a trans woman to ever be treated with respect or have a good life ever and in fact they are all doomed to being treated horribly?) (this is me HELPING trans women by the way I'm an ALLY) and trans men are the problem and somehow even though we're all in the same community Poor Trans Women are so oppressed they would be RUINED by disagreements (I am speaking on behalf of every trans woman and I know not a single one wants to have an interesting discussion about oppression or gender) this is me being an ally btw I could never be transmisogynistic by talking like this. also somehow transphobes check what type of trans you are, if youre a trans woman they hate you and if youre a trans man they say "yay you're a man" and treat you wonderfully because if youre a man youre always treated well no matter what other types of oppression you might face I think of this as being progressive.

Sorry for the long rant(?) I have a lot of thoughts. In summary: some people see themselves as such trans woman defenders that they a hundred percent loop around to infantilising them by implying its too hurtful to have a conversation. I've seen this exact type of behaviour as a trans man when it comes to misgendering. someone slips up and instead of being like "oops I mean he" they go some equivalent of "oh my gosh im sooooo sorry i cant believe I did that to you you probably feel miserable have I ruined your day oh my goodness dont cry ill make it up to you I know you have now become an emotional wreck from the horrible thing I did to you im sorry im sorry im sorry I just need to make sure everybody can hear how HURT you are by one misgendering" this is an example of how "being an ally" loops around to calling you fragile and a literal baby. They make it worse even though theyre "on your side" by implying you cant handle anything and they have to "fix it" because you just would collapse immediately at something maybe affecting you.

On the one hand, I understand where a lot of this is coming from. Trans women do get harassment campaigns started against them for small issues. It’s best not to resolve real problems with specific transfems in a public forum. So many have described the feeling of transmisogynistic hypervisibility as a panopticon and that very much applies in these discussions.

But trans women also aren’t made of glass. And they aren’t immune from making mistakes and causing harm. Making posts that contradict some trans women’s understandings of transmasc oppression is not transmisogyny. Pointing out that something they said or did was hurtful or transphobic is not transmisogyny. People act like this is how you treat trans women with respect and it’s very much not. This is not being “normal” about trans women. They are human beings who yes need some extra care and protection but are also capable of talking things out instead of collapsing into dust at the first sign of criticism. I know not all trans women like being treated this way in the slightest. I hope we’ll be able to find ways in the community to still uplift their voices and mitigate harm done to them without putting them on a high pedestal or shielding them from all criticism and intracommunity discussion that does not go their way.

[things-arent-what-they-seem66]

Superhero AU.

I know I said that I created this AU for funny shenanigans and wanted it to be am comedy one.

But fuck it.

Imma add depth to it.

You know why Adam doesn’t want romance and especially Lucifer anymore?

Surface reason:

He always saw Lucifer as your typical hero. Enjoying to get the praise for saving the world while no one pays attention to the weak nurse with stupid powers even though they were as important as them.

And obviously he thinks that Lucifer is annoying with all his flirting. And his girlfriend died and he still misses her a little.

When you dig a lil deeper:

Adam thinks that Lucifer would never actually want him as a crime fighting partner let alone a partner in the first place. After all, he can’t even fight well, he’s just a healer and that wouldn’t be useful in a fight.

And that he will eventually leave him once he realizes how truly useless he is.

From the deepest pit in his heart:

His girlfriend died fighting the bad guys.

Who happen to be the guys Lucifer sees the most and is associated with. He’s afraid that Lucifer would die in a fight and he would have to live the same heartbreak and feeling miserable all over again.

And speaking of miserable.

Eve literally died in his arms when he was trying to save her.

Yay trauma.

Holy shit .

This went from light hearted to stabbing me in the heart.

Thank you for that.

But yeah makes sense. Adam can't do that again. Eve is his biggest regret when he couldn't save her in time.

And he actually does like Lucifer but like you said, Adam thinks he would only want him for a night. Nothing serious.

[ghostofasecretary]

ok, let's keep this quick

- so like. i haven't had a day with No Obligations since the 18th. that's 10 days. tomorrow and the day after i'm working. i need A Break because i am Tired

- aaaaaaaah grad schools why do people keep telling me i'm cool and promising and they're enthusiastic about me and then i DON'T GET MONEY (or. well. i turned a place that gave me money down because of a potential supervisor leaving)

- i have so many loose threads. emails unanswered for months. i spent a fuckload of money on some stuff with the intent to make it back and Have Not Taken Steps to do that which is crappy, actually!! feels REALLY BAD! all the time bad! bad for months!

- i fucking hate letting things fester and my whole day except for poetry and a text convo has been festering

- which feels like a microcosm of my fucking life. which is unfair, probably, but. ya rab

- i straight up just? dissociated almost all the time between 6:30 and 10am??? that's not great!

- my job is getting me money, yay, but it's part time and also i keep going wildly between "i am winning" and "i'm so miserably bad at this and probably no one wants to work with me i keep fucking up i hate myself" and "hey now stop beating yourself up" and boredom and misgendering and "Holy Shit Man I Hate Your Politics So Much but i do care about you as a person! so! guess some of the Christianity stuck!!! hahahahahaha fuck my life"

- i don't know if i can a) get a job and b) move in time to maintain the illusion that grad school worked out for me but 1) i need to move yesterday, i haven't hugged a friend since fucking January, and 2) i was really hoping August would work out and i don't want to work longer. my whole year has been "well maybe i'll get answers and know what i'm doing next month!" and by year i mean. since. like. december 2023. although Applying To Grad School sure ate all of my energy for a long fucking time. so i'd LIKE to get a job and move in late August/early September. but also holy shit man

- i feel some duty to myself to still apply for more grad school jobs but i haven't had a spare afternoon with emotional support since. like. the first weekend of June. (i have had mornings with emotional support (thanks babe)) but i have been mostly using those for homework (and fugue states of misery (sorry.)) so, like. aaaaaa??????

- i'm so mad and scared and also, like, i don't have TIME to be mad and scared, i'm behind on things and also this is my short and precious life! there's people to talk to and good food to eat and nice clothes to wear and fiction to read! i don't want to waste it being upset! i've been upset since 2022, basically, and i'm really fucking tired of it!!!

- what if nothing ever works out and i'm broke forever and rely on my parents like my sister does and am an even worse resource drain and they don't get to retire and I DON'T MEET MY SELF IMPOSED DEADLINE FOR. LITERALLY 40 MINUTES FROM NOW.

- and tomorrow i have/want to be fucking chipper at people! because goddamn it, i actually genuinely want people to have their days be a bit more pleasant from interacting with me and i like running a smooth ship! when i'm not making mistakes, which i make more of when i'm tired and upset!! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

so. that's a lot of self-loathing and fear and frustration. uh. i don't know that this. resolved anything, aside from me saying the crazy out loud (and yes, i DO KNOW where the crazy is, but going "well don't be crazy" to myself is deeply unhelpful since it turns into another beating stick so. alas)

but i guess now i'll. work on my goals????