#yall out here with all the followers and im like
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not to be myself on main but im still here
#snap chats#sorry not sorry im still obsessed with how big he is. this is peak mags body to me just huge as fuck and solid like a freight train#i hate that charas follow where you're looking because now i feel especially filthy like STOP. i AM looking at your ass i dont wanna hear i#this is why i cant stream me playing 90% of the time i will Not So Subtly just be checking out the modeling of his ass#it aint even a perverse thing im just genuinely mesmerized by the shape and the definition ..... the sculpt ...#i am a very tactile person i love texture and feeling grooves and all that so OF COURSE im gonna be here Forever#yeah they'll never tear this skin away from me. i need to grab him#there is no bounce his ass isnt even big it is hard as steel but idc. let me grab#'snap youve lost the plot' i fear i never had it to begin with the release of this game just made me worse#my favorite thing mags does sometimes is he'll like. raise his leg like some kinda fuckin horse while flourishing his magnetism#for what reason did yall have him do that. im obsessed I Repeat he's like a giant horse to me#ok im gonna stare at him for another half hour like some sicko bye#maybe ill play the game again later but i wanna work on stuff first
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From 'Dream of a woman' By Cacey Plett.
This sums up exactly how I feel about most transition timelines. As much as they reflect people's experiences, they are also a narrative. And the narratives that get shared the most tell a lot about what our values are. The timelines that get the most attention are the ones where people go from sad, loser, nothing boys into beautiful women.
But if you go to /r/transitiontimelines or a similar place, and sort by controversial or look at what has the least likes, its people who made timelines when they still don't 'pass' yet. Even if they're happy as can be, that's not what people are looking for.
I think it says a lot about what people expect from trans women, that they only want to see us be beautiful. In some cases, that they want to believe they can be beautiful. So there is no value in trans life if you're not beautiful.
#i dont know if this is exactly what the narrative was trying to convey here but it is something i felt while reading it#and i hope thats meaningful to others when shared#i know he's kind of a chucklefuck but i so think 'the queer art of failure' by J. Halberstam has a lot to say about the impetus to he happy#and its conditions#a lot of the time i feel like i have to perform positivity as a trans woman because its whats expected both from women#and from people lucky enough to transition#while at the same time social conditions are worsening and even personally#there arent solutions to much of my dysphoria#regardless of all that you're expected to just be happy even though the conditions for that don't exist#i think being honest about those things#that negativity#can bring its own happiness#and i think thats also valuable#i guess what im trying to say is that i think ugly trannies can be happy and should be valued#i think sad trannies are wonderful and ought to be cherished#and i think people shouldnt have to pretend to be happy in the same way a woman shouldn't have to pretend to be a man#maybe that doesnt make full sense and i need to think harder to communicate my feelings#but thats the vibe rn#anyways#i really like this book and yall should check it out#dream of a woman#cacey plett#trans women#transgender#trans#transmisogyny#transition timeline#i dont mean this post to denigrate timelines btw#just the way that we give certain ones attention and the teleology of transition that follows#books
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feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole
#hivemind tv#hmfcu#riley savage#graydon weaver#quadeca#jane remover#eden burke#my art#2023#fanart#doodles#furry#its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online#doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself#and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling#and come back and then the cycle repeats#its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard#so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)'#NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here#and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out#and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave#i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style#idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment#i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one”#or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it”#sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse#whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m#friends for a while i think#woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography
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"You saved me so I can kill you", "my wretch of a wife", and "30 seconds" all happened in this series, yet y'all cry divorce on the ranchers.
#and i dont mean this in a 'theyre secretly cuddling between sessions uwu' way#i mean all their interactions have been at most silly at least completely neutral#yall act like theyre bitterly trying to murder each other in every scene theyve been in together#like the one time they ever dealt damage to the other wasnt immediately followed by an apology#the fh people are still out here even after the entirety of dl and 24l so far and yall are here acting like ranchers is made of sugar glass#team rancher#if you like angst thats fine but theres so many post crying that its all over#or acting like its a struggle#you dont need copium when they havent even done anything#sorry but every other duo gets a dramatic devastating moment to point to for why theyre divorced#and the worst ranchers get is 'if we ever 1v1 i could totally beat you anyways running away now' for people to act just as devastated#sorry im super salty this week#and just tired of rancher tags being walls of 'the world is ending and theres no recovery'
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holy shit guys 2 followers !!!! let's fucking gooooo 🎉🎉🎉
:DDDD
#/j#seriously tho i just saw i got 200 followers here and i am so happy#had a shot today so i am slightly sore but this is a great thing to come back to#cant really believe 200 ppl want to see me get weirdly self-indulgent about my funky fellas#but i am not complaining by any means#tysm i love yall platonically <3 :]#also im working on some soldier art for my main so check that out too (should finish it in like a few hours if all is going well)#[just me yapping]
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You know me. I like barely ever show any NOT SAFE FOR WORK drawings on here. So instead, I'm sharing drawings of my face AS I was drawing each NOT SAFE FOR WORK thing.
And the subject is right there, smack dab in the middle. Being tormented by the sins of the egg. (I drew him really cute but I can't share the rest.)
ALSO, I'd like to state that it's not corngraphic except like two maybe, it's more so like violent. We are all just having fun beating this guy up. Like, step right up and stomp on his face type shih. I never ever ever draw violent stuff, unless it's lewling related, so this is like cathartic.
This uhh feeling will fade after Halloween hopefully and we'll go back to our regularly scheduled wholesomeness and cammypus.
#i looked in a mirror 20 feet away as reference because im like NYAHAHA WHAT EVILS HAVE I COMMITED#and i see my own smug face in the mirror like 'yes this will get me hunted down'#sketches#i do comedy slapstick violence but ya know doing more darker jokes and adult humor feels nice like im not censoring myself#i mean i still am by not showing you guys a lot of the bloody or even H O RN Y stuff but ya cant expose everything#like for those of yall who have followed me for years id say were all legal here for more than my usual 13+ content#i just want ro be appealing to a broader audience IN CASE i ever did make it somewhere but haha its been what#8 years since i started this blog. any credit i had died off with teeny taku fhjdjsksajsk#ive got no image to uphold. i have nothing im trying to promote anymore. i do but ive lost the plot ya know#im just having fun and im glad you guys are just ...letting me? like i looked at my old stuff#with the cookies the pokemans the fehs the ocs. and yall just let me go freaking wild and thought#yeah ill give that a like. bless yalls hearts. bless ya souls. ive got thousands of posts on here and yall just let me run wild#and thank you for that. ya never pit pressure on me. kts me outting pressure on myself.#i do wish there were folks that did look forward to some actual tangible content instead of me shitposting with no cohesiveness#but thats just hard with adhd. and try as i might with medications and alarms and deadlines and what have you. its just. difficult#like even the tags here are derailing. but i hope that alongside me just having fun doing my thing. i hope i can get on course#where there is a clear line to follow in my life but i dont lose sight of it as i trail off#but for now. im just drawing experimenting and straight up goofing around. have fun you guys#i may not show you everything but just know im having fun too.
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Paper Baldi is going to turn 4 years old in a few months what the hell
#also im kind of close to reach 1k followers on here. thats cool#but errhhh idk. feels kind of weird#i mean. still posting baldi even after 4 years? crazy 🦅#idk if i improved. maybe. kind of#oh right i have to redraw the thing i redraw every year noooo#anyways um. i want to say thank you all. for checking out my baldi art. i may draw the same thing but i still enjoyed doing so.#but yeah im very grateful bcuz ppl liked my baldi art. very silly#yknow like. im very glad some ppl like my art even if we are. barely surviving in the fandom 🦅#talking :0)#like i may not talk or interact often but i want yall to let know that im very happy yall like my art 🙏 genuinely
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#if u r curious abt following the saga that is my life:#i did finally accept an official offer from a school this afternoon. which is a huge relief and really exciting#and for once i think i did something that will b good for me in mind and body lol bc i think i could b happy with any of the places i#applied to but this program is most geared to my interests and its in a place where i think i can have fun due to the accessibility#of nature and the mountains haha. like at rutgers i think i could have got a good education and had a lot of opportunities but i think it#would have crushed my soul a lil bc it would b more high pressure and in the city. ya kno? so i hopefully i dont regret the choice lol#i still have to wait on the offical acceptance stuff but now at least i can allow myself to get excited abt the potential project and start#researching. which i mean ill have 5yrs of a phd for that but idk im excited and my life feels so empty and meaningless rn ive gotta take#the excitement where i can haha#anyway housing is gonna b a bitch bc there arent a lot of places available in grad student price ranges in the city to the point where they#said so in the official offer rip. and i have to decide when im leaving the southwest bc i could stay til August or leave in july and take#like a whole almost 2 months to just not b doing anything for a sec. and my dad was like !!! u could go to the crazy state parks#or drive out to the pacific northwest! and that would b amazing but also that sounds so scary to do on my own lol#like i dont wanna b missing and murdered as a youngish non guy traveling alone#but i could do it if i tried im sure. anyway i just wanted to let yall kno#bc im so doom and gloom on here all the time but a transition period is looming so im only stuck here for a few more months#and hopefully itll b a page turn into a happier place haha#watch out yellowstone cyanobacteria. im coming for u >:-]#knock on wood. ya kno. just in case#hhhh at least i can breathe a lil better now i have a direction#unrelated
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ohh wow i passed 1k followers on here while i wasnt looking, how very fun!! thank u all for hanging out ur all the very best <3<3<3
#teki talks#also gained a v recent mutual whom i am ECSTATIC to realize followed me back a few days ago!! hellooooo heehoo<3<3#ive really been busy lately so ive not looked at my activity stuff in a while and i was like 'woah!!'#also ive been getting notifs abt my posts making the rounds like 'oh 4k reblogs 10k reblogs' etc etc#but NOTHING on 1k followers which def FEELS LIKE SMTH I SHOULDVE BEEN NOTIFIED ON??#anyway yall are SO COOL and i love hanging out and whatnot#very grateful so many of u have joined me for the cowboy posting or magic boy posting or space boy posting or gay posting#there's a lot of different kinds of posting going on here but knowing people enjoy enough to follow is a LOT of fun!!#im sorry ive not been as active lately i got a job and im tryina write and all that good stuff!! but ur all always welc to reach out!!#tumblr is a platform where numbers mean fuckall but im thinking about having a thousand people in my house and that does make me feel smth#so thank you!!!!
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me @ me: do not think the thoughts of wanting to move blogs again
#⸻ ❛ 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐨𝐰 » ooc.#// the tags are just my brain soup you can ignore them#// idk i want to make my blog more private somehow someway. like with people that genuinely do want to interact with my blog yknow.#// NOT SAYING THAT EVERYONE HERE DOESN'T WANT TO. i get that people are shy and stuff because damn same me too yall me too#// but i have a LOT of followers and only have so many blogs that actually reach out for interactions#// and shit i know im slow and maybe that's the issue but#// where am i going with this.#// uhhhh iDK THE VIBES AREN'T VIBING PLEASE TELL ME IM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS LIKE THIS#// please if you were scared to reach out for interactions. don't be. im literally the stupidest person you'll meet#// hHHHHHH I'LL JUST . DELETE THIS POST IN A BIT#// pls don't take this as me being all vague or venting either im just KSDFHGDJFSD talking#// does anyone get me here or am i just making no fucking sense again
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this is partially a critique on my part but even more of a critique on other online leftists' part since i notice a complete lack of attempts at putting oneself in others shoes- it shouldn't quite literally take learning you have x minority ethnicity in you to have sympathy and understanding for them.
#i started understanding native people more when even the possibility of me having ntv american in me was presented to me#heres an idea: ACTUALLY TRY TO VISUALIZE WHAT SHIT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU WERE IN STEAD OF DOING NOTHING#yes. yes. you will 'never fully comprehend' blah blah blah but im sure you've had enough experiences being treated lesser than#to be able to put yourself in other peoples shoes long enough to understand the complex ways of how shit negatively effects people#pretend that you are jewish (in your brain not irl if you're not. this is a thought exercise.) and now tell me what you think should#happen to jewish ppl in israel. and wait- i mean ACTUALLY think about it. dont shit out the most buzzwordsy shit you can think of#to make yourself feel and Look Cool to your followers. basically im asking you to do method acting here. i want you to go THAT far#to understand bc its apparently what needs to be done for you to understand.#bc if you're actually doing this thought exercise and you're actually educated on why theres jewish ppl in israel to begin with#(hint: they were forced out of other countries) you're not going to then be like 'yeah its fine to kill all jewish ppl in israel' you just#WONT come to that conclusion if you're being honest.#also i bet plenty a yall havent even gotten dna tests so far all you know you COULD have ashkenazi in you!#so you need to internalize that and try to act the way you think someone put in that situation would act to understand better.#also obviously all the while listening to jewish people while you're at it.
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My levels of spite have always been hilarious.
#personal#I took down all the marvel / dc fanart I had on my portfolio site#Im not taking them down on social media or anything#I just kinda realized a month or two ago that making fanart doesn't make me that happy#so sorry if yall followed me for that x'''''''D I am sorry#(I probably will do one offs sometimes - but realistically I can't afford to spend more time on fanart)#okay theres ONE loki art on my site#but its jotun loki - and I really like how the sketch came out sooooooo#I will accept commissioned work - but I aint doing it on my off hours lmao#i am gonna try to write some fanfic THO - one day x'''''''''''''''''''D#been creating lots more original art the past two months and I think its made a world of difference mentally#also not being on social media as much is great too#anyway - thank you for listening to my rambles <3 still here - just less - and my brain energy is turbulent lmao
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living in my own home away from my dad but he still waits up for me to get home
#i was panicking cause 'whos up at 2am. who can i call at 2am- no one will pick up the pho-- my dad. his phone is ALWAYS on loud.'#it rings twice and im like 'shit dad im so sorry to call you and wake you' and hes just there like 'oh dont worry. i was waiting for you.'#turns out: my mum was suppose to message me to tell me to call my dad when i got off the coach to walk home! she must've forgot tho#cause i was initially just gonna walk home ez - it wasnt until the guy cat called me and started following me again that i thought#nOPE NOT THE NIGHT NOT THE VICTIM I GOTTA CALL SOMEONE OR SMTH#so i thought i might have woken him but nope he was already waiting on me - kinda had a moment of !!!!!!#my dad miiight have grown to become my hero or smth pfshhh anyway#ALSO U KNOW I DID THAT THING AGAIN. random stranger starts talking loudly and i looked at him - u give them a glance and they take it ALL.#gotta learn to stop doing that for my own fuckin safety jfc. BUT I MADE IT HOME SAFE ANYWAY SO#me and my dad just talked about our days and mid way he was like 'are you okay? you sound like youre shivering? is it cold or-'#'OH YEA im just cold. its freezing.' 'Ha! trust me there is nothing better than being in the freezing cold and then getting into bed.#best feeling... i know you have your own life now but its good to make sure you get home safe.'#ITS LIKE ONE OF THOSE LIKE. ARHGHGH my dad loves me fuck the rest of yall-#this is for all those people who say i have daddy issues cause i make a father figure out of every character i like-#ur correct but-#ANYWAY SOmetimes forget my dad has unmedicated anxiety. my mans out here fighting for him life on a random saturday cause his kid#didnt get home until 2am. then he wakes up at 6am to help my brother - My guy doing It All.#my art#ted talk
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I keep thinking I still have 60 followers but it's been subtly increasing this past month so everytime I check its like a jumpscare
#90??!#i do NOT remember getting 30 new follower notifications#my post#to be fair to me. most follower notifications are all alone. w/o any likes or rbs to the blog#kinda freaks me out a little bit tbh bdsbdks. do yall know anything abt my fnaf au or my designs. will i get the scary anons now#to be fair tho. i know I definitely have a problem w practicality looking though an entire blog im abt to follow without touching any posts#bdjsbdks. no matter what i love yall though. glad youre here! i hope to be posting and rbing more soon! hopefully!#im like sisyphus. except the rolling the rock up is me posting rbs from my drafts. and it rolls back down when i save more. (being silly)#ive got posts in there from JULY and they only get buried more and more#bc tumblr gets mad at me if i try to rb things from the bottom of the drafts first
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google how to get someone to stop reading about crypto and using degenerate
#jesus christ. i tried to move them over to tumblr to get them off reddit but they just go back to the tumblr subreddit every time.#if i tell them to do something they do it but then they put a new and fascinating /neg spin on it#like i told them to follow more ppl on here and they followed about 50 ppl that seemingly never post and i told them to make their cute#little project a sideblog so they can rb stuff but they made it their main and cant rb anything now#i tell them to be vague about the details of homestuck so that their mom doesnt stop trusting me and they decide its a better idea to keep#calling it a cringey bad old webcomic that i really love because i have bad taste#i tell them to stop using degenarate because its a nazi dogwhistle but they decide thats just stupid i guess and keep using it#i think theyre gonna become a crypto bro they have like 5 books about it#they've been on reddit since they were like 10 i dont think i can get them out of there but they should at least go on better subreddits#instead of r/iam14andthisisdeep and r/tumblr and r/whitepeopletwitter and r/nonpoliticaltwitter and who knows what else#its especially the r/tumblr part that i dont get. because they literally have a tumblr account#if theres a specific user that you see making posts you like on the subreddit go follow them! scroll thru tags of things you like and follo#all the blogs! be annoying and put out a post asking for mutuals tagged with fandoms you like!#oh and they rlly like r/nosleep i wish i could get them to go on the creepypasta wiki instead because at least thatll give them some shared#references with the wider internet and ppl their age. their mom has literally no pop culture references whatsoever so im trying to help the#but its honestly really hard when they dont do what i tell them to do. jesus i sound awful dont i#real sasha waybright moment. “you are going to follow 100 more blogs and turn off algorithm stuff now. end of discussion.”#it's not like they have a community and friends on reddit they dont even have an account theyve been lurking for years#they dont even have the app they use the mobile website. ugh im being so bitchy rn ill just shut up#maybw if yall see that this is how i think then youll realize that im not exactly worth interacting with#sorry for spiraling on ya. im pmsing.#and i have a whole disorder about that so
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when I finally finish all the artwork and play testing for my dragon slaying mini campaign just you wait ill have ART TO SHARE
#IM SUFFERING FROM SELF IMPOSED NDAS#WHY AM I LIKE THIS#i also cant juust post wips because SOME PLAYERS FOLLOW ME HERE#side eyeing the homies#I did have one set of homies already playtest the module for me and it needs ADJUSTMENTS#but it went so well#i will look fondly on that campaign for years#next round of playtesting is gonna break my game because the players are advanced LOL#I just hope its challenging enough#but yeah just you wait#I got monster tokens and npcs and maps and shit#is all the art amazing? I wouldnt say so#but its good enough#and IM DOING ALL OF IT IN MY FREE TIME#FOR FREE#yall can have what im putting out#it certiantly is better than a lot of free mods out there#ashtalks
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