#yall i said this before but childe is like my fav character so i think abt him everyday

[joequiinn]

The Dos and Dont’s of Fake Dating - inspo guide!

When I'm working on a story, I draw on all kinds of media as inspiration. I make lists of characters' fav movies or playlists that remind me of them, etc.

These are just some things I took inspo from/relate to Dos and Don'ts! I'm taking a brief pause in writing, so hopefully these will hold us over!

@sheneedsrocknroll92 and @steeldaisies because yall showed some interest!!

Playlist

I have a lil playlist full of songs that fit this fic's vibes in some way or another. There are various genres and tones and themes, so if you aren't afraid of bouncing around between types of music, this may be a fun way to vibe with the fic!

Music

Mystery by Dio - this is 100% THEIR song, I've associated this with Eddie and ice princess since day one; it will also make an appearance in an upcoming chapter~

Just Tonight by the Pretty Reckless - this song is one I associate with a particular chapter that is drafted but not out yet, and the vibes in general really mesh with some of the themes of this fic.

Ghost, HIM/Ville Valo, & Twilight Creeps - I just listen to these artists a lot while brainstorming and writing this fic; some particular songs are on the playlist mentioned above!

David Bowie & Fleetwood Mac - sooo ice princess isn't really a music person, because I think it's a funny contrast to Eddie; however, I do think she has a few Bowie and Fleetwood vinyls/cassettes lying around that belonged to her mom, so that's the extent of her music knowledge lol

Movies

Can't Buy Me Love - originally, I wanted to write a story inspired by this movie; the setup is ridiculous and I love every minute of it, so if you want to see an early prototype Eddie x ice princess, I suggest watching this one!

10 Things I Hate About You - this was also a movie that I considered using as plot inspo; although they're not the same, I do think similarities can be found in the characters to some extent, especially Patrick = Eddie.

Heathers - the vibes and fashion speak to be, and in another world maybe Eddie and ice princess would serve up some JD and Veronica vibes~

Halloween - it hasn't come up yet in the fic, but ice princess is a closet horror movie fan whose favorite is Halloween (no it's not her fav bc it's my fav what do you mean).

Bride of Chucky - Chucky and Tiffany speak to me on a spiritual level, and I feel like Eddie x ice princess give some of these vibes??? Also RIP Eddie Munson, you would've LOVED Child's Play.

Labyrinth - I picture ice princess having a lot of similarities with Sarah, which I didn't initially notice when I was first writing. There have been many lines I've written that I can SO clearly hear in Jennifer Connelly's voice, so she's a big inspo for this fic. Also, I love Bowie

TV

That 70s Show - putting aside all the real-world controversies, I was obsessed with Jackie & Hyde when I was a kid, and I think you can clearly see a similar character dynamic with Eddie and ice princess.

Married... With Children - have yall SEEN Kelly Bundy??? enough said.

Other

Evil Ernie - maybe you've seen my other Eddie posts, but I've mentioned before that the vibes of this comic series and it's titular character remind me of Eddie, so that's all.

Flight of Icarus - yes, yes, I know that this is literally a book about Eddie, but I still think it's worth noting that I've used the book as some reference, but for the most part I haven't included it too much (I also haven't read it sorry not sorry)

[alpinelogy]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

tagged by @63historian thank you so much for the tag <3

not tagging anyone cause I think most of yall already probably got tagged. the failure of catching up on tag games late o7

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

14 including fics posted on anon

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

159,278 including fics posted on anon

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Nowadays only F1 but I wrote for several fandoms before

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

[fic posted on anon], galaxy collapse (somebody scream), soldier down (on that icy ground), system’s breaking down (there’s been a glitch), fill your drink with tonic gin (this is the american dream) 

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to respond. I am not particularly good at responding but I try o7

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

fill your drink with tonic gin (this is the american dream) because of how open the ending is

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

galaxy collapse (somebody scream) probably because its very much 12k words of fluff but I think the happy endings in we found wonderland (you and i got lost in it) and now entering a world (from which you will never return) hit more cause of how much shit goes down

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet and fingers crossed I never will. That being said I do have shitposts locked and loaded for if I ever get anon hate

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Sort of...? I'm not particularly good at writing smut but I am learning:tm: and when I write/try to write its smut with feelings

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nope. Tho back in the day aged maybe 13 -ish? on wattpad I wrote a lot of them. Fun times

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope and I hope I never will, especially now that I write rpf

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope but few weeks back I joked about a fic idea for an older fandom with a friend from that fandom and we are seriously considering co-writing it now

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Protagonists of the world!! (Bokuto and Akaashi from Haikyuu!! my og two sports guys ship even if these were fictional sports guys playing a real life sport)

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

So many. Predominantly the Pierre/Esteban attempts at psychological warfare but I dont think I am smart enough to write that

16. What are your writing strengths?

Descriptions I think? I like putting adjectives everywhere

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

What the fuck is dialogue!! In all seriousness just interactions in general

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Fine for a couple of lines/to emphasize a point. If its for longer dialogues just write it in the language youre usually writing it, even just the act of writing is an act of translating from your brain into words and unless theres a really good reason to write in another language I think there are better way to make it clear the characters are not communicating in English

i have a lot of feelings on this topic and yes i do have a rant locked and loaded lol

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Naruto I think? I was a child on the internet thats for sure

20. Favourite fic you've written?

I like all my fics equally (its maybe we got lost (in translation) by probably a long shot. or we found wonderland (you and i got lost in it). galaxy collapse (somebody scream) and fill your drink with tonic gin (this is the american dream) are also some of my favs)

[dreamofbona]

starlight - park jongseong

summary: when your family decides to move, you're not happy at all. even though your social life is crumbling, you want to stay in new york. besides, what's to say that life in seattle will be better?

alternatively: you move to seattle and learn how to live (2521-esque)

genre: high school au, fluff, angst

pairing: jay x fem!reader

warnings: swearing

word count: 2.3 k

other characters: jake, heeseung, kim chaewon, huh yunjin, sakura, huening kai, taehyun

Chapter Two:

Days pass, and you continue getting accustomed to Seattle. By the end of your first week, you can confidently say that you think this friend group is gonna last.

It’s the Saturday after the first week of school that you get the text. It’s in the big group chat.

jjongsaeng: i’m bored. anyone up for going 2 the beach? 

jenjen: don’t you have hw?

jjongsaeng: i’m a procrastinator

heehee: i’m up for the beach

heehee: when we going?

aussie boyy: we should do hw @ the beach

zuha: that defeats the purpose of the beach

heehee: yk it’s a fact when zuha speaks on it

heehee: our fav internet grandma zuha

heehee: she probably spent an hour typing that out we should respect that effort

zuha: i resent that

chaechae: i’m in. i’m also a procrastinator. 

jenjen: *sighs* fine then

jjongsaeng: this convo is literally over text. u can’t sigh like that

jenjen: dramatic effect jjong. it’s an art. 

jenjen: anyways y/n, kai and tyun r awfully quiet. r yall hanging without us?

y/n: no never! i’m gonna have to opt out tho lots of hw

chaechae: NO

chaechae: no hw ur coming to the beach

y/n: … 

y/n: fine then but if i fail history that’s on u chae u go talk to my parents

heehee: yay! kai? tyun? 

kai: sorry can’t make it i got a coffee date

jenjen: A DATE?! WITH WHO?! SPILL THE TEA CHILD

kai: no. bye. 

aussie boyy: guess we’ll have to interrogate him on monday 

aussie boyy: tyun? taehyun? kang taehyun? hello? 

tea-hyun: can’t sorry. prior commitment. next time yall

Once everyone’s decided whether or not they can come, you and the others text separately to figure out rides. Jay, Chaewon, and Jake can drive, so you assign rides based on proximity. 

jjongsaeng: alright then. so, we’ll meet at the beach. well, i’ll see y/n and jen soon. 

You see a black sedan pull up outside your house, and a head of blonde hair gets out. You grab the bag you’d prepared for the beach, run down the stairs, but fail to beat your parents out the door.

“Mom, Dad, this is Jay. Jay, these are my parents.” you say, quickly. “Great! Now that we have introductions out of the way, beach time!” 

You try to get out the door, but your dad says, “Wait, hold on a second. I want to meet your friends.”

“Another time, Dad,” you respond. 

“So, Jay,” your dad goes on, “you’re also a junior? What’re you interested in?”

Jay nods, “Yeah, I’m also a junior. In school I like English and History. Outside of that, I love the arts - singing, dancing, painting - and fashion.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” says your dad. “I have zero fashion sense. Anyways, you guys are going to the beach?”

You nod, “Yeah, I already told you, you said sure, go and have fun.”

“I know,” your dad says. “So, is it just the two of you?”

“No,” says Jay. “We’re picking up another friend, and then the others are meeting us there.”

“Nice,” says your mom. “Sounds like fun. I’ll have to meet all of you at some point. Invite them over, Y/N,” she says to you.

“I will,” you respond.

“Alright, we won’t hold you kids any longer. Go have fun. Don’t get eaten by a shark!” says your dad.

You roll your eyes, following Jay out the door and into his car. He gets in the driver’s seat, you sit in the passenger seat - perks of being the first one picked up - and he starts making conversation. It’s nice, but you’re also a bit shocked: this is the most he’s talked to you since the first day of school. 

“So, how’s your weekend been so far, Y/N?” he asks, glancing at you before looking back at the road (he’s a safe driver like that). 

“It’s been good,” you say. “I slept in, it’s Saturday so waffle day, and then I procrastinated, did homework, watched YouTube videos, procrastinated, did more homework… What about you?”

Jay chuckles, “The same, pretty much. Homework is, well, homework. Depending on the class, it’s either fun, bearable, or torture.”

“So true,” you agree, “I love English homework, it’s so fun. I’m also okay with History and Science. Hate math homework though. It’s good practice but an awful experience.”

“I love History homework,” says Jay. “I find it so cool to learn about different time periods. I also like looking at pictures and drawings, seeing what people wore, what the beauty standards were. Did you know that in Florence, back in the 1600s, women bleached their hair in the sun and dyed it with urine? Having blonde hair was the beauty standard, and that’s how they did it.”

You crinkle your nose, disgusted. “Ew.”

“They also,” Jay continues, “believed that bigger foreheads were more attractive, so they’d pluck hair to move their hairline further up.”

“Beauty at the price of pain,” you say, not knowing how to respond. “I could never do that.”

Jay laughs, “Me neither.”

You then pull up to a gorgeous house, painted light blue, with a long dark driveway. Just as Jay parks the car, Jen runs out the door, bag in hand.

“Thank God you’re here,” she says. “My parents wanted me to do homework while waiting. Math homework.” She waves towards the house, before sitting in the backseat. “I hate doing math homework with them.”

“Did your parents also ask you to memorize times tables and recite them when you were eight?” you ask, and Jen laughs, nodding. 

“Yup. Awful childhood experience. Especially because we have calculators, like I get that they grew up not using calculators, but I don’t need to memorize basic math. I’d rather memorize song lyrics.” she says. 

“Relatable,” says Jay.

You three carry on, discussing school and adults and life. Before you know it, Jay’s parking the car, and then you three get out, grabbing your bags and meeting up with the others.

“I’m traumatized,” is the first thing Zuha says. “She drives like a maniac.”

Chaewon pouts, “I’m a good driver. The state of Washington agrees.”

“Maybe back then,” says Zuha, “but not anymore. I’m never sitting in a car with you again.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” argues Chaewon, but Zuha’s shaking her head.

“You ran through three red lights, rolled through four stop signs, didn’t blink when changing lines, went 20 miles over the speed limit, yelled at slower drivers - they could hear you, Chae, calling them “fucking idiots”. I was scared someone would snap and follow us. Road rage is a very real thing.” 

Zuha looks exhausted, Chaewon is pouting, and everyone else is laughing. You included. Who would’ve guessed that Chaewon was crazy behind the wheel? Well, everyone, actually. You’d been shocked that she had her license. For good reason, you now know.

“I’m not driving back with you,” says Zuha.

“I’ll give you a ride,” responds Jake. “Your house is on my route anyways.”

Zuha breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“Then who will go with me? I’ll be all alone,” Chaewon whines. 

“That sounds like a you problem,” says Heeseung. “I’ll go with you though. I want to sit in a car with you. It’s like a free amusement park ride. Six Flags will be a piece of cake after sitting in a car with you.”

Everyone laughs, and you all start walking towards the sand. Jake brought a beach umbrella, and you set it up, along with some lawn chairs and towels. You all brought snacks, and Heeseung has a cooler as well filled with cold drinks.

The beach is fun. At one point, you all go in the water, splashing each other. Heeseung shoves Jay in the water, who then shoves him back. Jake is watching, laughing, until he gets dunked in the water by Jen. Everyone splashes and jumps and screams and it’s a fun time, something you had never done with your friends back home. 

You also talk a lot with Jay. It makes you happy - all of your friends are nice, but there’s something about Jay that draws you in. He’s so thoughtful, kind, funny. He tends to be quiet, but sometimes he’s extremely loud and energetic and he absolutely brightens the room. Because of his more quiet tendencies, it feels more authentic and thoughtful when he does speak and engage in conversation. It also feels more personal, private, like whatever he’s telling you is for you alone, like he’s making a special effort to tell you about a piece of him. You like getting pieces of him. It makes you feel like you’re closer to figuring him out. And you want to figure him out - he has an incredible smile, and you want to know the secret behind it. You want to make that smile happen. 

Jay sits next to you on the sand, talking about the way the sun’s light is hitting the waves of the ocean, about how it would make for such a nice painting. Not a picture, a painting. Jay’s so artistic. 

“You should paint it,” you tell him as he’s pondering out loud the different shades of blue and green that would be mixed to replicate the color of the ocean waves. 

“Should I?” he asks, “I’m not a great artist.”

“I don’t believe that,” you respond. “Paint it. I feel like you know a lot about art.”

Jay shrugs, “I like art. I think it’s because I also like history, and fashion. Art is so intertwined with both of those areas. I mean, all three are intertwined, really. There’s history and art behind fashion. There’s art and fashion throughout history. There’s art from different historical time periods, and fashion is art…” he rambles on for a bit, before blushing, “I’m probably boring you, aren’t I?”

You shake your head, “Not at all. I’ve never really thought much about any of those connections, or subject areas, so it’s interesting to learn about it. It’s cool that you think so much about it. Especially the attention to detail - details are so important, but people always gloss over them.”

Jay grins, “I feel the same way. Art without details, writing without details, anything without details, really, would be so dull, vague, uninteresting. Details give life to things.”

Through the glare of the sun, you try to focus on the details in his smile. “They really do,” you agree.

You really enjoy the beach day. It’s a good break from studying, and it’s fun to spend time with your friends. Between conversations on the sand, hanging out in the water, picnicking in the shade, you feel a sense of community and belonging. 

You’re also really happy because of Jay. You’ve talked to him so much today, and it makes you happy. It’s a weird feeling, and it makes you nervous - you feel giddy and excited whenever you talk to him, and you never feel like that around other people.

Later that night, you’re in your pajamas, getting ready for bed. You’re under your covers, about to turn your light off, when your phone buzzes. 

You’re not all that sleepy, so you pick up your phone from your nightstand, and see a notification. It’s in a group chat with Jen, Zuha, and Chaewon.

jenjen: so are we gonna talk abt jay and y/n?

y/n: ??

y/n: there’s nothing to talk abt?

zuha: yup and chae’s a good driver

chaechae: i resent that but i agree

jenjen: zuha stop talking abt chae’s driving for one second

jenjen: we have more important matters to discuss

zuha: 🙄

jenjen: do u like him back?

chaechae: that’s a stupid question it’s obvious she likes him

y/n: i don’t like him! I like being friends w him but just that

zuha: stop lying to yourself! ur acting like chaewon rn

chaechae: i’m feeling v unsafe in this gc rn

zuha: that’s how i felt in a car w u

jenjen: zuha, very kindly, shut up abt chae’s driving 

jenjen: anyways, y/n, do u like talking to jay?

y/n: yes

jenjen: do u like seeing him smile?

y/n: yes, doesn’t everyone?

jenjen: did u blush when u saw him with wet hair? water droplets falling on his skin?

y/n: … maybe. didn’t the rest of u?

jenjen: y/n, sweet sweet child, NO 

zuha: no

chaechae: no

jenjen: confirmed y/n likes jay

chaechae: and he likes her back he’s kinda pathetic abt it

chaechae: bro drove out of his way to pick her up before jennifer

y/n: he did?

zuha: he didn’t want his gf to die in a car w u

chaechae: i want to block her, can i block her?

jenjen: anyways, it’s obvious he likes u

jenjen: he wouldn’t stop talking to u today, after a week of barely talking to u

zuha: it’s cuz kai’s on a date, so he knows y/n and kai don’t have a thing

y/n: he thought kai and i had a thing?

jenjen: u didn’t know? he looked so pissed everytime u talked to the kid

jenjen: i was half expecting a fight 

chaechae: i wish there was a fight that would be funny

zuha: this is why u shouldn’t have a license

y/n: well at least he knows that kai and i aren’t a thing

y/n: speaking of which who’s kai dating?

jenjen: idk, kid refused to tell me

chaechae: i have a few ideas but i’m not sure

zuha: idk, we’ll see monday

jenjen: as long as it’s not u, it doesn’t matter

jenjen: i’m the captain of jay x y/n and i need to see my ship sail

y/n: so u guys r sure he likes me?

zuha: yes

chaechae: yes

jenjen: yes

y/n: huh

copyright: this is original work, don't copy it. just send an ask/comment to join the taglist.

taglist: @chaewon-slays

[fatuismooches]

Compilation of Anon Asks (Part 1)

I have a BUNCH of sweet anons in my ask box frequently but I usually don't have the time to answer everyone so in this post I'm just going to be screenshotting the asks and putting my responses underneath. Not every ask is here since it'll get too long but yeah I'll make other parts soon. Kind of long, but may be worth it since I ramble a lot about cute Harbinger stuff and personal hcs so yea :)

As someone who also headcanons Childe to be cuddly af as well, this hurts me to my core😭 Like I just know this man would not give you a break you'd be trying to do literally anything and his arms would be snug around your waist, and he would not let go for anything 💀

As such, you are very correct when you say he'd have a hard time with a nontouchy lover. Childe's pretty disheartened at first. But is there a specific reason you don't like being touched? Maybe he can get you to explain? Maybe you can at least link pinkies with him? He's starving over here. Of course, he would 100% respect your boundaries, but he'd be very sad :( Boy would have to get real creative with his love otherwise he might explode.

♿️🛐 That's what I think. More seriously though, this idea has a lot of cute fluffy potential, thinking about how this would be nice in maybe an olden times AU (pls idk the names) 💓 I'm thinking that they hid their true identity from you for a long time - you looked so fragile and helpless, and lived all alone - perhaps they were eyeing you up because your blood seemed so sweet, more than the average person even.

But even though they have much opportunities to take you, they don't. It seems that they have fallen in love with you somehow, and they can't bear to reveal their true form to you now. Until you somehow stumble upon them dizzy, completely needy for your blood. No matter how much they feasted on others, their throats still burned for your blood. Some would be more resistant and tell you to get away from them now. But all of them in the end, are clinging desperately to your shoulders, begging you for your blood and love otherwise they may go mad. If you accept, well... you'll belong to them forever👀

(Would they turn you into a vampire?? Some of them definitely would I think, like Scaramouche and Dottore who want you to be with them for all eternity. Others would be conflicted over you keeping your precious humanity vs wanting to claim you as theirs.. :()

(I don't know much about vampires other than that I played Ikemen Vampire before so excuse me😭)

PLEASE I love this! At first you have no idea whether Capitano is unamused or unaffected by you cuz all you can see is the pitch darkness of his helmet covering his face so you end up dying a little inside cuz you don't really know how to act now. But little do you know internally he's wondering how it's possible for one person to be so sweet and cute. Poor man doesn't know how to express his feelings in any other way besides unintentionally staring at you menacingly and then patting you awkwardly.

This is fiction, anytime is possible 🛐🛐 He gets embarrassed when his kid makes fun of him for his first meeting with you 😭 (Would he let his kid meet Ei?😭 She would probably feed them sweets behind his back </3 Yae teaches his kid how to be mischievous)

Ngl, Scara as a dad is very interesting :( I feel as though he'd want to give his kid a lot of attention due to how much he suffered from feeling as though he was abandoned by his creator, but at the same time the only person who taught him how to love is reader so he isn't sure how to properly express his feelings to his kid and might end up staying away for a bit :( </3

Scara fic is on the backburner for now, I think I will wait until 3.2/3.3 to finish it, or when I have a long slot of free time💀 But I love my boy sm <33

Your Capitano brainrot always amuses me, I love to see it 😭💓 I can't wait for solid info on him to come out, bc you deserve accurate fanfics with your man

You know, I always wonder how you and other Harbinger lovers survive with such little content on most of them😭 This includes me but are y'all doing ok?

The way you are so right 🥝 anon... Maybe he'd been conditioned for years to keep a poker face and be trained for war and negotiation so he's always like😐😕, a sharp contrast from your wide variety of emotions.

Even with the mask on you can sense sometimes his emotions, it's not too bad when you get to know him because in the presence of others, you know it's just his usual face. But with you it can either be - a weird form of smiling, a downward mouth due to concern for you, or his usual face.

Seeing him watch you without his helmet on for the first time is such an experience😭 He be looking at you and you're a bit scared cuz his face is not very inviting and you question him and he's like ? in his head he thinks that he's looking at you affectionately and you're like THATS UR FACIAL EXPRESSION FOR AFFECTION??

Imagine taking your hands and pulling up his lips to form a smile and his mouth droops immediately lol

[partnersatfazbear]

Fazbear Frights: What We Found Analysis

Here’s my analysis for What We Found, the third story in Gumdrop Angel. I wrote this as I read so it may be a little different than my previous analysis where I read the story first and went back.

If you’re a Michael Afton fan I highly recommend this. Also, there’s possibly some insight into William Afton, Mrs. Afton, and Henry too, so it’s worth a skim.

Pg 144 '...a place thirty-some years forgotten' Just reconfirming FNAF 3 is 30 years past *one* of the FNAF closings, presumably FNAF 2 location.

Pg 145 "The whole building was giving him [Hudson] a headache." FIX THE VENTILATION BRUH

Pg 148 '...they were able to use salvaged derelict equiptment original to the old pizzerias.' Another confirmation of something we heard from Phone Guy.

Pg 147 "How old are you?" "Twenty-three, same as you." I think this gives us Michael's age during FNAF 3.

EDIT: This kept me awake last night. Obviously this is impossible because he has to be alive for at least 10 years before 1983, BUT maybe its just reconfirming FNAF 3′s year? 2023?

Pg 149 "Hudsan's dad died and his mom married Lewis, a ridiculous balding man who wore plaid vests and smoked a pipe" Did... Did this book just seriously imply Mrs. Afton left William for Henry? Really? (Yes, there's differences; the husband is dead and the man wears plaid 'vests' but it seems very odd to include that detail. This could just have been the writer's own imagination, though.) I have seen this as a fan theory and 100% explains the jealousy aspect of William, but I can't help but kinda hate it. I think this is very important, though, and probably Scott's intention. "This horrible little man [Lewis]... would make Hudson's next ten years a living Hell" This REALLY intrigues me given the context I just went over. The text implies Lewis was fairly neglectful to our main character / Michael stand-in Hudson. Maybe I'm wrong and for some reason Mrs. Emily left and went to William? XD Haha, I'm reading too much into this page. Maybe I'll come back to this later. I figure it's more of Scott possibly including double-details (contradicting stuff with the same character that really applies to two, which has been something I heavily pointed out in previous anaylsis on this blog) Having said that, I'm going w/the former because I can't imagine Henry being abusive (neglectful yes, abusive no) and he's never been portrayed that way in official works like William has in the novels.

Pg 150 "Hudson began to screw up in class...a product of spending the night in fear that his stepfather [Lewis]... [would] beat him just for the fun of it." Ooof. Big confirm on William actually being abusive. Unless we stick with the Henry theory for Lewis (combined with Midnight Motorist Henry theory / alcoholic). "...near-daily beatings..." "his mom started taking pills to get through the day..." So, whoever Mrs. Afton is, she was definetly not paying attention. But then, most people married to serial killers either don't notice because of denial (like this) or because the killer is so manipulative / careful they can't notice.

"Barry, who had red hair and freckles..." Yo?! Is that a description of Fritz?! These friends in the story could be the other kids Michael knew's stand-in's, aka the two gravestones with names he used (Fritz and Jeremy), as shown in the checks for the games and FNAF 6. I've long figured Michael was probably friends with the victims--it makes them easier, although riskier, targets [for William]. The two friends are male, too, like Fritz and Jeremy. If you're curious about Duane's description (our stand in for Jeremy), it's "tight black shirt... muscles... black hair long enough for a glossy ponytail..." I'm not sure if this matches anything found in the novels or contradicts them, though. (The novels = TSE trilogy)

"And so it went... until the night of the fire." For context, this is before FF burns down. We're learning of Hudson's life from his close friends in childhood, his father's death, his mother remarrying, to his abusive stepfather, to his grades slipping to this line. This would be a new fire not seen/mentioned in the games...

Pg 151 "...go to Charlie's for a sundae..." Really. Really Scott. Just gonna use this name again. OK. I'm not even gonna discuss this because it's probably irrelevant. *This is confirmed on pg 158 to be an ice cream shop. No lore relevance aside the annoying name coincidences Scott loves to troll with.

"This is not... an advance into enemy territory, a fight with demons, or a descent into Hell..." Uh, what? What is Hudson talking about? XD I'm only noting it because it seems so out of place. He's probably talking about video games or something.

Another note, although I don't have a specific reference since it is mentioned off-hand many times, is that Hudson keeps referring to his "history" which is implied to have kept him from getting a well-paying job and a girl he's crushing on doesn't know this "history" which is good for him. Seems good old "Michael Stand-In" has done some jail time or something. Edit: On pg 154/155 the girl asks Hudson, "Did you do it?" Seems he may have killed his stepfather or been involved with something else just as bad. Edit 2: No, I was thinking too deep into it. This probably refers to Evan's death at Fredbear's. DUH.

Pg 156 describes an actual "prize corner" in FF! What am I even reading? IIRC this is in FNAF 3, too. So they just hand out these scary gift boxes to people that complete the attraction? (Hudson says he *would* have fun handing out the scary toys to kids when this location opens--kind of a bully thing to do, eh?)

"[Hudson] avoid[ed] glancing in any of the mirrors..." I'm only pointing this out because it could be reference to one of two things. 1) We know because of one of UCN's music tracks, William has a fear of his reflection. Michael probably shares this trait, especially since 2) after Ennard and all... and later on pg 157 it also says, "he never wanted to face: himself" Sounds like guilt, my guy.

Pg 157 "blonde hair... blue eyes..." Hudson shares an eye color with Michael. It's possible Michael had blonde hair as a child and it changed to brown (it's common, something I personally went through being technically blonde/ blue eyed myself)

"He [Hudson] knew from personal experience that toys could turn from fun...to torture ina heart-beat" Fairly self explanatory. Either Hudson's worked at a creepy location before or he doesn't like remembering Fredbear's.

*checks how much is left.* There's still 35 pages (not counting back/front) left of this... This is gonna be a lot of notes.

Pg 158 Hudson doesn't have a car. Poor Mike, probably having to walk everywhere. Especially as a corpse.

Pg 160 This page describes many physical issues Hudson has that prevents him from entering the Navy, all from the abuse of Lewis. Obvious paralell to Michael becoming an undead [because his father sent him to CBPR indirectly causing his condition]

Pg 161 "How's your granny, Hud?... ...Is she still alive?" "I don't think she can die." Does anyone in the Afton family really 'die'? XD

Pg 162 These few pages discuss Hudson's grandmother. She's described as "a seer who claimed to know the future... ...wore big men's plaid flannel shirts with baggy jeans" Um, more plaid / flannel? AGH. STAHP. Lowkey, I would totally headcanon my Aunt Jen like this, though.

Pg 163 "Hudson's mom... the way she was before Hudson's dad had died... never... particularly warm and fuzzy... but... effiencient and responsible..." More about Mrs. Afton, so that's kinda neat.

"Hudson's dad was fun and attentive." There's a good Dad in this series?

"Unfortunetly, he also struggled with mental illness." "invisible low points" (Pg 164) Kinda reminds me of how Henry is described after Charlotte's death in the books.

Pg 164 "When Steven got himself into a bad deal that cost him his small business... he'd taken his life." Oh, it is Henry! SMH. Way to use confusing paralells. So, from our understanding thus far, Hudson's real father, Steven, is our Henry stand-in. His step-father despite being described similar to Henry, is actually our William stand-in. Fair game, Scott.

Pg 164 "...he [Hudson] was locked into a supply closet..." Oh shit, you guys. So, let me go on a tangent here, because this IS important! I just watched a retrospective on Sister Location and FNAF 6 earlier and one theory for Midnight Motorist was the person in the chair was the mother and the kid was Michael. I think this little line may confirm that. In fact, the story may be the key to figuring things out. Obviously, the line is a paralell to FNAF 4's scene in which Crying Child was locked in the supply closet of Fredbear's. I know some people, including Matpat, believe[d] CC was Michael, and in this book's context, it sort of works. This does contradict Step Closer and 1000 other things that make Michael the older brother, but maybe it's hinting at MM? Abusive stepdad (possibly Henry... maybe William is gone at this point), checked out Mom (hey, grey couch lady with Foxybro's font). IDK, but its definetly something to think about.

Pg 165 Lewis is mentioned as calling Hudson "nothing" and saying "you're nothing" on several occasions on this page. Just more abuse, for those accurate fanfic writers like me. Also I kinda wanna watch Morel Orel again. Yall know my fav character is Clay. Yall know.

"You're smoke." <-- Lewis / The text later reads, "...there was some irony, given what eventually happened." BRUH. Why did your stepdad die in a fire? :V TELL ME.

"When his family's house burned down at the end of his senior year..." Huh. Is there a fire we don't know about in the game-verse? Could this explain what happened to the FNAF 4 house before MM house?!

"...it purged Hudson of Lewis and his mother." MRS. AFTON BURNED ALIVE, TOO? Bruh. I can't with this story.

The text later describes the fire is concluded to be man-made and Hudson was blamed for it. Can't say if this ties to Michael, but it IS interesting... TBF, there is a small paralell to draw between Henry in FNAF 6 and his history of suicide in the books, too.

Pg 166 "...this place's [FF] busted thermostat.." I just find this line funny.

Pg 167 "...after three weeks of keeping an eye on the place" Some more timeline context for FNAF 3. We know that Michael worked there a little while before we start playing the game thanks to one of the phone calls, IIRC, so this makes sense. If Michael was accused of [something] and also wanting to hunt down his father, then it makes perfect sense why he's working a dead end job at Freddy's over and over and over. Fun fun fun.

Pg 169 "He hated to think about a functional character [Foxy]" This line is in regards to Hudson not liking the set up of Pirate's Cove and Foxy's hook to scare people. Sounds familiar, don't it? (For Michael anyway.)

Pg 173 "Some big find is arriving tomorrow." SPRINGY BOI! COME ON BOOK, get on with the show?

Pg 176 "Granny was wearing a red-and-green plaid shirt and her baggy jeans." Nothing special, but it was specifically brought up twice. I'm kind of racking my brain trying to understand what the point of this character is outside of "woooo everything is haunted don't you know that" kind of character.

Pg 180 "...dropped the crate on the linoleum with a resounding thud." HEY. Poor Springtrap, just gettin' tossed around like the trash he is.

Pg 186 "If you weren't so stupid, I'd tell you more about it." Springtrap bringing the burn. =:)

"A voice with a burr-like rasp...hint of a Southern accent" I'm going to assume this is because it's Lewis probably in the suit in this story and not our old British lad.

"It's was Mr. Atkin's voice." THE MATH TEACHER? *goes back to check* 'The algebra teacher'. Okay...

Pg 190 Okay, so Hudson hear's Lewis' voice this time. Okay, I get it now. Springtrap in this kind of imbodies all of Hudson's old bullies, including the teacher. He also has PTSD, just FYI. IDK if anyone finds that important, but it's fairly obvious by the line "He wasn't in his bedroom. Lewis didn't just slam his head into a desk; his head had been slammed into the [arcade] game."

"Why did he hallucinate a scene from his childhood?" Oh, it's not PTSD, then. It's just the VENTILATION ERROR. lol Okay.

Just a note, as I'm reading through the more action-based stuff, I kind of feel bad for Michael if he had flashbacks like this guy. They're intense.

So, Lewis' voice finally comes out of Springtrap on Pg 213. There's that.

Pg 220 "You can just stay there [in his room]" Kind of a paralell to Midnight Motorist. Lewis is saying it to Hudson. I really feel like the kid in the MM game is Michael because of this story...

Pg 223 "Heat purges. Fire heals." I'm sure that's Henry's life motto.

The ending was stupid, but most in these stories are. Hudson is hallucinating and is implied to have burned himself alive in FF's oven. Meh? The first half of this one is A TRIP and a little insight into what I 100% believe is Michael's childhood. I think the saddest part of it all is that we never got Springtrap speaking to Michael in FNAF 3--and if it's ever remade I hope we get more of them interacting.

[semi-imaginary-place]

started playing octopath traveler. i like the visual design, music and general aesthetics. thk it is hard to tell where you can walk and where you cant. im not sure if the xp to next level means exp in this levels bin, like progress so far, or how much exp is need until the next level up. ui weirdness. sunshade section is real uncomfortable between orientalism, sexual coersion and worker exploitation! yall should unionize. oh it really is sex slavery. yikes. this is uncomfortable.

at least i got to kill him. was thinking why did primrose end up a sex slave if she really wanted to kill her father’s murderer why didn’t she train as a assassin or warrior like olberic for 15 years. but then i thought about it and posing as a dancer is exactly the stupid sort of thing a child would think up and then the slimebag tavern owner probably trapped her in a mile of debt and exploited someone vulnerable.

i started with tressa and went counterclockwise around the sea so now im done with everyone’s chapter 1. there’s was no real reason for choosing tressa, her’s seemed to be a less serious story and a soft intro to the game. and now that i have a party of tressa, therion, and alfyn its all about that economy. alfyn has powerful item based abilities and tressa and therion have abilites to get items so i hit the item cap (99 stack per item) before i hit level 20. I also got like a 120 atk bow before level 10 lol. money money money.

can’t believe shinto-catholic girl’s story got to me. h’aanit’s story is the one i find most compelling and the ch 2 i want to see the most. i like cyrus. he reminds me of miles edgeworth. comedically super serious walking sherlock holmes reference. also is it me or are there a lot of pop culture references in this game. my favorite character tho is alfyn. he’s a good boy. he also reminds me of one of my highschool ocs. what a good boy, i love him.

octopath traveler is a weird title. why didn’t they go with like the paths of eight travelers. or eight traveler’s paths. and what’s up that cat burglar enemy

overall i think the ch 1s were decent. there were some tropes that just seemed to be there because they are genre staples instead of doing anything with them, but its also only the first chapter. i said it already but the music is really good.

i ostly picked it up because time limited input games aren’t really enjoyable for me and there are so few games these days that aren’t like that. gameplay is like halfway between goldensun with its character based puzzle solving and the nds era smt games with the elemental weaknesses being a major part of battle. some of the ui stuff is clunky. the transition to battle screen is just bad. also idk if i missed it but weird that i can’t find the protags’ ages anywhere given how you learn the ages of every random npc. i mean i can guess based on the ages of people in their starting town. like alfyn, primrose, and ophilia are all like early twenties like. not quite as sure for h’aanit and therion but probably early-mid twenties too. tressa seems like typical jrpg protag age so like 17. olberic seems a bit older like mid thirties? the blur effect is too strong for my taste, i do like how it puts into focus where you character is at, but just a bit too much. some of the glittery effects seem to be based on where you are on the map so if you run around the white dots move super fast and i don’t like the look. i think there were trying to go for like a  boko or whatever and its fine if you take a screenshot of it, but in motion its really annoying.

oh yeah and i haven’t even started any ch2s and its already been 20+ hours so... im going to be here a while. (i keep getting lost!)

went and spoiled myself on secret classes. primrose deserves warmaster. i dont even play her (i dont get the summoning mechanics) but its what she deserves. read about how making cyrus a sorcerer is redundant, but have you considered, i like big numbers.

so party comp. i can’t get rid of tressa but i always need money anyways. therion is there for the same reason. and alfyn is there to use all the items and because he’s my fav. the last spot cycles between cyrus and h’aanit. i also really like h’aanit but cyrus’s ability is usefulf for finding weaknesses because i struggle to remember which elements i’ve already tried out and its such a bad time for me without cyrus. also big numbers. give me the explosions.

[nierly-amazing]

I know I’ve written something similar before and maybe I'm being petty and reading into shit too much, but I honestly just can’t deal with 9S haters. Like, you got the generic weeby incels that are jealous that their fictional waifu is interested in nerdy twink 9S which shatters their "feemales only go for the chads" shitty worldview. Those are easy enough to ignore because they’re just shit people in general and not worth my time. Plus it’s really straightforward and doesn’t have me sitting down thinking “why does this bother me so much?”.

But then you have another group of people that I honestly can’t stand because you look at their hot takes on 9S and think “did we even play the same game?” They reduce him to some flat one dimensional possessive/whiny man child thot boi (No I’m never gonna forget that insult because it’s horrifically beautiful).

I’ve been wondering why it annoys me so much when I don’t really care if people don’t like my favs from other stories and I think it’s a mix of a few reasons. 

One is like I mentioned above in that they get his character so wrong, it’s like they played an entirely different game. 

Another is that they act like the negative (and “negative”) things he does do is for completely no reason whatsoever without acknowledging a whole bunch of fuckshit that helps make him who he is “today”. So we just got “oh he’s possessive and violent and whiny ew” without even thinking about: 

All the trauma that 9S went through both before, and during route C.

The fact that he was infected by a logic virus for most of route C. Yes, most. I don’t remember where but it says in some supplementary material that the virus was fucking with him since way before he transplanted the arm.

The fact that the Red Girls and machines were tormenting him during route C and already pushing him to the extremes. Remember what happened in the Soul Box? Plus Adam torturing him about his feelings for 2B in the copied city wasn’t exactly helpful.

The fact that his only purpose was to be a disposable information gatherer for a pointless war. He was designed with a friendly and curious and emotional personality and was forced to work alone for a lot of his life, told that he wasn’t allowed to display those emotions, and punished with death whenever he got too curious. I’d say he gets a pass to whine about missions every now and then.

The fact that 2B killed him and erased his memories FORTY-SEVEN times and just because she hates doing it and he forgives her doesn't change the fact that she did it and how much it would mess up his perception of anything really. (Bonus points if they think 2B's some perfect stoic lesbian goddess who can do no wrong and has absolutely no romantic interest in 9S). Same with the fact that she was still cold and strict with him most of the time they were together even if he did eventually find out she’s not like that deep down.

The fact that 2B was the one and only constant in his life through all his resets. It would take a fucking saint to not develop some unhealthy attachment/possessive thoughts in that situation. Especially with the Red Girls tormenting him by trying to delete his memories of her in the Soul Box. Like it’s not good or healthy and even I was like “nooo 9S baby please don’t be like that” in the clone fight/his possessive monologue in the book at that point. But it sure as hell is realistic and understandable to become possessive of someone that keeps getting taken away from you. 

The fact that he hates himself for the way he feels about 2B. He doesn’t act on any of his feelings and always backs off when 2B says no about anything from calling him “Nines” to taking a break after a mission. He might grumble and complain a bit but pretty quickly shuts up. 

The fact that he lost everything he loves in the span of a few hours and watched the most important person in the world get skewered by a smelly cryptid doppelganger. (Pile on the fact that said smelly cryptid doppelganger did nothing to clear things up about it when there were plenty of easy ways to do so (don't get me wrong I love A2, but she's an idiot)).

The fact that even in his route C rampage his anger was still only directed at machines and A2. He helped other androids without complaints, even ones he didn't know. And he was still visibly upset when he saw Pascal's Village and Pascal’s memory loss. 

This whole nonsense reminds me of some SU discourse of people hating on Lapiz for the way she responded to Jasper's abuse. Could she have made better decisions? Maybe. But she was trapped in a mirror for 5000 years, immediately attacked after being released, then captured and tortured again. What the hell do you expect?

And to a lesser extent, it reminds me of how people react to Shinji, calling him whiny and tell all those “get in the fucking robot” jokes. The poor kid went through so much shit comparable somewhat to what 9S went through.

I guess the thing that really bothers me is that I relate really hard to 9S and the shit he went through (obviously to a much lesser extent, thankfully I haven’t lost all of my loved ones in a horrific massacre or anything like that). But I can relate to having everything falling apart in my life and not having the support or experience I needed to get through it without fucking up a lot. 

And as an autistic person with a bunch of other brain shits, I was so happy seeing a character that was (intentionally or not) coded with these same things. So it gets me, even more, when I see people going “ew no he’s bad” because of those traits as if they expect someone with no support network or therapy to just be able to Handle It All on their own. When I see people refusing to be compassionate towards 9S for what he’s gone through, I’m reminded of people that refuse to be compassionate to good people who’ve fucked up because they’re unable to deal with it on their own. (And I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised if they’re the same people.)

You can like a character or person at the same time as acknowledging what they’re doing wrong. (And on the flip side you don’t have to ignore the faults of characters you do like and paint them as beautiful flawless goddesses).

It’s not often you get a kind, gentle, and emotional male character that doesn’t act all high and mighty and above the female characters just because he’s a dude. It’s also not often you get the scripts flipped in terms of gender expectations as well. Give him a chance to come back and grow past all the trauma that shaped him during route C. He’s a good boy. He’s little, and broken, but still good.

Yeah, still good.

I end this with the wise words of a good friend: “9S is great fuck all yall nerds learn some goddamn empathy the end”.

[badassclarke]

indra please give this child some sense she’s just lost

clarke is such a mess rn i’m so glad bellamy is there for her. bellamy is the person clarke relies the most, she didn’t hesitate to listen his wisdom thank you jesus

“i could use a break” “a little radiation” sassy bell is my fav bell

“thank you for keeping me alive” i just had chills during this scene not only because there’s such an emotional weight but i got this feeling idk i could be wrong but what if this is a foreshadowing of the future, one where clarke manages to make bellamy live....

before bellamy even said “you dont make it easy” i already knew by his face what he felt. lesson here? pay attention to the characters’ facial expressions, they reveal more than you think

again bellamy is such a good mass reader!!! clarke and abby are all like “hey lets save people” while bellamy and marcus are, from the beginning, like “hmmm i don’t think they are our biggest fans” 

raven reyes saving everyone’s ass since she landed YES

LIKE HELL IT IS who is this woman i like her very much

well i liked her 10s appeareance youll be missed defying lady

“ECHO” “BELLAMY NO” i love my drama queens  

YES MURPHY TELL JAHA WHAT KANE IS TOO KIND TO

john murphy is soooo in love with emori i remember what he said do bellamy in that elevator hmmm i love parallels but FOCUS

clarke watching mom and ?dad? yeah at least some couples are managing to be happy 

INDRA AND KANE IS THE ULTIMATE FRIENDSHIP GOALS WHAT A BROTP

i love how clarke looks at bellamy searching for his approval before droping the bomb to the gang

echo you sure you only wanna speak with bellamy

WHERE DID THIS PLAN CAME FROM I LOVED IT

“I GOT THIS” poor boy

john murphy i get why some people like you but here’s why i cant let myself do so

echo SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN TALKING ABOUT GINA SHE DESERVED MORE SHE WAS REAL yeas i get emotional over her and so does bellamy his broken face :( but yeah i knew echo wanted to save his life

bellamy is trying so hard not to punch her in the face i’m living for this dynamics between them

daughter-mother work YES

“i wasnt done talking” poor sassy boy.........

“we will bleed out” “we just saved your damn life” i knew there was a reason why i liked her at first place

marper + raven gives me life

jasper....... he’s so lost he’s in such a dark place idk i dont like the feeling his depressed scenes are giving me so that means... god job? 

“yeah you did” roan dont DONT DONT LISTEN THIS SNAKE

poor clarke :( everyone knows you loved L its written on your face darling, it has been for a long time

and this shot at bellamys face... i dont know what to feel. he knows whats like to lose someone you care deeply about, he knows whats like not being able to mourn that person, he knows her pain, he knows she loved L even though he doesnt understand why, he knows clarke. 

bellamy cant keep his chill over people hurting "wanheda” or should i call her....?

octavia i see you caring about your brother youre not lost yet

ON YOUR FACE ECHO

roan!!!!!!! this man is so hot honestly he’s a blessing for this season

clarke giving the flame!!!! this is so important, she voiced her feelings out of her chest and now she’s ready to start letting go.

i’m so alive for this ice nation plot, honestly, all their interactions with skaikru are awesome, lots of chemistry, lots of tension!!! IM SO ALIVE DAMN

this roan speech tho 

ON YOUR FACE ECHO 2

bellamy looking at clarke after he saw roan with the flame. he knows it means a lot to her. i swear i try to keep it cool but I CANT

roan is AWESOME

is that me or echo was kind of disappointed? it’s not exactly it but she values bellamy. my puppy is resentul, tho

“i hope so” no bellamy freaking blake, after everything youve been through, after all these beautiful, motivational things, you don’t HOPE, you sir must MAKE SURE youll live thank you very much

sassy octavia and daddy bellamy 

mom and dad letting mom and dad 2.0 go

OKAY PRINCESS

byeeee i’m dead

no but really the face clarke does when she recognizes that word. so much has changed, theyre not the same people as they landed, for sure, but they always saw the best version of each other and that one thing is still true, they still respect and look after one another;

6 months.... LOL kiddos, yall are screwed

ps: little raven screen time but every time just to be the greatest human being alive 

ps2: i missed miller!

ps3: KABBY

ps4: wheres luna

ps5: should i worry about monty or harper? especially harper

ps6: this season is gonna be so awesome!!! im so excited!!! bring it on, the 100

[itsjayyyy]

January 10, 2019 12:13 pm

it’s a week after i planned on writing an update, but it’s a thursday so i’m technically on time. I worked tuesday, as i said, and on wednesday rose came over. we first went to the mall so i could show her how decrepit it was, and got auntie anne’s there. I like the mini pretzel dogs, but hate the hot dogs inside them; i just like how the pretzels are rolled up to look like croissants and how the hot dogs imbue the bread with that umami flavor. Then we went back to my place and watched train to busan (the main character was the same guy from coffee prince!), and then went to baanchan for dinner. I remember that she borrowed a shirt and got a stain on it and took it home and said shed wash it but i can’t remember which one. thursday and friday i just kinda lazed around, relaxed for a few days before the semester started. i signed up for postmates, and just today i got an email saying the prepaid card was sent to my address so i’ll activate it when i get home. the weekend was work, as always.

i would like to thank every god for allowing me to live so close to campus, because if i had to wake up any earlier for my 7:30 am calc class i would die. On the first day I woke up at 6, but tbh the earlier i have to wake up, the longer i have to take to get ready so I was kinda rushing and ended up forgetting my wallet. I didn’t want to give up my parking space to go back to get it, so I took the on campus shuttle back to my apartment to pick it up, since i needed my id to get my textbooks. got my textbooks (with no line whatsoever!), went to my evening classes, then went home. oh, and apparently i’m so bad at math. i saw my schedule’s weekly chart and said “oh nice, i have a 4 hour gap in the middle of the day for studying or getting lunch” but apparently it’s a 7 hour gap, from 8 am to 3 pm. coolio.

my calc professor was a bit timid, and has a slight accent. the first day i made the mistake of sitting in the back like last year, and could not focus on a word he said. psychology was chill, we just covered the syllabus. apparently, the psychology department (not my professor) mandates that all intro psych classes’ grades are 10% participating in psychology studies, bc otherwise nobody would volunteer to help them. i hate being forced to do anything, so of course I’m gonna lie and fuck with their studies. asl was my fav class, it’s at 6:30 when campus is empty. we just learned the alphabet (and by that i mean she ran through it once and then we had to go to the front of the class and introduce ourselves). the whole class is immersive, meaning that even on the FIRST day of class we weren’t allowed to speak. as if i understood a single thing she said. there’s a cute girl in that class, we didnt speak to each other (obvs) but when i got stuck while introducing myself, she helped me out since she was in the front row. can i just say i’m PISSED that it seemed like everyone was fluent in asl while i barely knew the alphabet. yall this is an introductory class.

tuesday was a disaster. i woke up at 6 again, but was so beat from the day before that I decided to skip calc, on the grounds that it was all just review and the first unit was my best anyways. i forgot to set a follow up alarm, though, so i woke up naturally at 8:55. and then looked at my class schedule. and saw that my next class was at 9. luckily since i live by campus i was only 6 minutes late, but i forgot literally everything (didn’t bring my phone or my backpack) except for my wallet. I didn’t even have time to shower, or brush my teeth, or comb my hair. immediately after i was done with that class i went home and did all of those. I also went to the pet store to get a new filter for my fish, since my last one broke (after 2 years of having it, which i think is a good lifespan). I installed that, knit more of my gloves, then went back on campus for programming at 6. The professor didn’t even cover the syllabus, he just jumped straight into the lecture. one kid asked about the structure of the class, and at that point he gave a quick summary. it was clear we were all expecting him to start the lecture with the syllabus. i’m so annoyed that last semester i deleted codeblocks, the program used in the course, because i thought i was done with it, and now i have to reinstall it. tuesday evening i watched hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, which i watched when i was like, 7, but forgot most of. 

wednesday, i woke up at 5:30, so that i would have more time to get ready. I sat in the front of calc, and took really great notes. we finally started getting into psychology, all about behavior and stuff. I did one of their stupid studies before class, it was this survey about “human social perception” but honestly it was asking about how lonely i am. and when you have to actually sit there and quantify how many friends you have, and how often you see them, it really puts it into perspective. kinda felt called out.

ya know how every semester, i creep on webcourses’ list of students in my class? well the cute girl in asl is named “anna” (as per how she introduced herself, it was the only name i could catch), and there’s only one anna in the class, and she has a crazy last name so it was p easy to find her on ig and twitter. i was scrolling down her twitter when i accidentally liked one of her tweets. i quickly unliked it, and i didn’t think she would have gotten the notification bc it was a retweet anyways, but shortly after that she followed me. and then i remembered that my most recent tweet was “so uhh whos gonna tell the cute girl in my asl class that i want to go out with her bc it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me” (cue my death). i deleted it and hoped she didn’t see it, but honestly if she followed me she prob saw it. i hoped that maybe bc i don’t have my real name listed on twitter that she wouldn’t know it was me, but in class i introduced myself as “jay” bc i forgot the symbol for s. pls kill me. and this all happened like 10 minutes before class started. I sat in the back, though, so we weren’t near each other. but at the end of the class we did an activity where we got a card with a word, and we had to find the person with the same card by signing it. we did like 4 rounds, and i was hoping we wouldn’t be together, but in the last round we were. we didn’t talk tho, and as soon as it was over i was gone. 

despite my period being nowhere near, i had a huge depressive episode last night. like, by her ig and twitter, she’s a Distinguished Gay in which she did a high school summer program with Stanford where she did heart surgery on a porcupine, and was an award winning thespian, and has tons of friends and a supportive family, where i’m the complete opposite: no friends, failed 3 classes, family hates me, chose a low paying career, needs alcohol to cope with life. This is one case where opposites don’t attract: she’s not gonna want to be with someone whose life is a complete mess. And then i just got to thinking about how rose tells me that mom lowkey thinks I’m a complete dissapointment for being gay and she only puts up with me bc it’s the muslim thing to do, and how the only way i can make her happy is me being single my whole life so she wouldn’t have to know. how i can never have love. and then rose texted asking for an update and i just kinda lashed out at her. why does she feel the need to tell me about mom talking shit? why would i want to hear that? yea i get the whole “don’t let others talk shit behind my back” idea but sometimes ignorance is bliss. i just don’t want to feel like a pile of shit for once in a while. and of course I’m still so resentful about the way that mom and dad treat rose like a damn golden child while i’ve never gotten 1/10 of the support she has.

This morning i went to calc, then comp, didn’t really pay attention in either. while in comp, heather texted me and was like “we should meet up soon.” rose also texted me; last week we were planning to meet up today but it was kinda dicey since we had that issue last night. and anyways at 11 she said “i got a job interview with izziban at 4, should i go” and i was just like “yea sure” bc i really don’t give a fuck. she always puts everything before me so why bother. then she got all like “if something’s wrong you need to tell me i can’t help if i don’t know what’s wrong” like, how about you read what i sent you last night, that details EVERYTHING that’s wrong. she later said she was gonna skip the interview bc she already has a job and she’s gonna do uber eats, and that she was just gonna have lunch with mom (since mom loves her enough to cook for her) and then head out my way. heather responded that we should meet at 1 today, so i told rose. rose said “should i wait for yall to finish and then come by?” but i havent responded bc i don’t want to see her (ever again).

I soft blocked anna on twitter bc i didn’t want her to see me talking about how i wanted to kill myself on main lmao. anyways i’m gonna go get a smoothie.