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bioticgoddess · 4 years

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Of The Voide (#2 - an original work)

Here ya go. The next installment of the Of the Voide Story. Like I said, it’s an original work. So don’t steal my stuff but you’re welcome to share. :)

Please enjoy!

The Seti’Veth System: Cor’seti Station

The space station orbiting the planet Cor’seti was always a questionable decision. It wasn’t really neutral territory, being well within the jurisdiction of the Coalition, but they didn’t exactly police it. Meant that people like the crew of the Ashewake could dock and resupply. Right now, they needed the rest. The Krimmoran contract had been a bust and then they’d had to deposit the younger Voidekeine girl back with the flotilla. Her field tour ended early, much to her temporary shipmate’s relief.

Seated at the bar, black and blue hair pulled off her face in a series of braids, Zaffre Branwen took another swig from the mug. At least they’d had Corinthian Red Tea - most folks mistook it for brandy or some kind of whiskey until they tried to steal a swig, then they got trouble. Which was exactly the last thing she needed. Her base tint alabaster-gray skin was covered in what looked like paint splatter marks of black and a darker blue-gray. Terrans might have said she looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. Others would have wondered when last she’d bathed. It was the usual variance of bullshit levied at all Voidekeine. They were all as spotted and splattered as she was, though that alabaster base color could be as black as ebony - like her co-pilot and engineer Tagetes. His spotting was mostly shades of lighter grays.

He’d known the woman for decades, since they were kids using repair mechs to sneak from their assigned frigates to the Ag-ships to beg for cocoa pods so they could harvest the chocolate from within the fruit. He’d stowed away on her little transport ship one year when she’d swung through the Flotilla to drop off some supplies she’d been asked to ferry home between Contracts. Had they not been acquainted all those years, it was a near guarantee she’d have wasted the ammunition and escape pod necessary to send his ass right back home.

“Alright Boss,” he stood behind the black and blue-haired woman. “We got watchers,” he whispered, the blue portion of her long hair brushing his hand as he put it against her back. It was well rehearsed theater to make onlookers believe they were about to flit off for a lover’s tryst.

He stood a full foot taller than she was and his proportions were emphasized by his armored vacsuit. He wasn’t comically large - though on the taler and broader side for their species, he couldn’t compare to the Krimmora or the Omari (an amphibious, crocodilian race) or any of the other more massive denizens of the galaxy. But he had a winning smile that, despite being a Voidekeine, disarmed everyone. Casually he raked a hand through his short mop of silver and pink curls. The turn of his head towards the corner table indicated the direction of their new admirers.

Sighing, she downed the remaining tea in one long slow draw and signaled the bartender to come over. “Vaun, can I get a couple canisters to go,” she pointed to her now empty drink, “And wrap up those meals too?”

Behind the bar, a tall red-skinned Corinthian gave a subtle nod, the same one he gave when a customer entered or paid their tab or tipped well. It was neutral but the affirming wink he tossed to the woman was emphatic. Vaun himself rose a full head taller than Tagetes when he rolled his shoulder and spine up and revealed his full stature. But he was spindly, the result of spending his youth in Corinthus-3’s low gravity. Like it’s sibling moons, Corinthus-3 was a mining concern and major source of metals and metalloids. Corinthus Rex, the heavy-gravity world around which the lunar system orbited, gave rise to a much stockier offshoot of their species and was, by all accounts, a more diverse and lush ecosystem.

Most only bothered to visit the moons as they lacked the bone density, muscle, and cardiovascular development necessary to handle the central world’s gravity. Much like the Security vacsuit wearing group watching the two Voidekeine.

Though to call the organization “security” on Cor’Seti Station was a joke. At best, they were thugs pretending they had the authority of the system behind them. At worst a cartel that the Coalition - who’s giant war ships were currently in orbit around the station - ignored because it meant that they didn’t have to actually police the station. They could focus on the parliamentary conquest and assimilation of the Seti’Veth System.

“Auck’ver’im,” Vaun’s lips barely moved as he set the pack insert filled with her requisition down on the counter. “Crell’mey’rah.”

“Universal translator seems broken,” Zaffre tapped the small, hexagonal chip icon painted on her suit’s armored breast-plate. “But I got ya.” Index and forefinger pressed together, she saluted him with her left hand.

Tagetes had taken the moment to put the oddly heavy pack in his rucksack. He knew they were lying about the translation device being offline. Despite his accent, when both Zaffre and he spoke he’d heard Universal Common and not Flotillaspeka. The Corinthian’s change to his native tongue had been deliberate. “You get enough tea,” he chided, his glance at Zaffre a cover to watch as the men sitting at the shadowed table rose to follow them. They certainly weren’t being subtle. “Wanna help me carry this stuff?”

Hands on her hips, close to the blaster pistols and the clip keeping her helmet in place, she shrugged. “Nah, you got this Tag,” rolling her head and stretching her neck, she took advantage of the reflection off one of the other shop windows to get a better look at their new friends. One was tall, full gear, possibly a Coalitioner. He didn’t look like he’d come off some broken down frigate or was born on a station. Nope, shoulders were too square and he moved through the crowd like he everyone owed him. The two on his flanks she wasn’t sure about. They could have been Coalition or natives, if the latter was true then they’d been hired. Probably sold out to one of the big Capital ships monitoring the station approach. “Any ideas why we’re so popular?”

“You did snipe that last target,” her silver and pink haired companion suggested. His free hand absently coming to rest on his own blaster as they took the turn leading to the docs. It would be longer this way; going through the slums meant they’d be more likely to disappear in the crowd. Their gear was carbon-scorred and pock marked with years of fire fights and falling from too-high up when a jetpack’s booster failed.

It was a slow trek.

The pair took turns taking covert glances in reflective surfaces to track their shadows, going down a dozen alley-like maintenance corridors, or through doors between bulkheads that shouldn’t have existed. They managed to lose their unexpected attachments as a result of going through the twist and turns of the station’s slum. They cut down through the old maintenance shafts and ladders instead of hopping on the lifts. It was like being home in the Flotilla, the way the station creaked and groaned with the artificial gravity generators and the air cyclers. If it was quiet, they knew something could be catastrophically wrong. The Voidekeine had grown accustomed to living in an environment that hummed with the lives of people and machines. To ask them, either might have said that ships and space stations had souls of their own because of the care put into building and maintaining them.

Their peaceful walk didn’t last long.

The three thugs, the likely Coalitioner at the forefront, barred their access to the Ashewake. Zaffre grumbled under her breath, “Fuck.”

“Zaffre Branwen, Tagetes Patch, you’re a long way from the Flotilla.” Definitely Coalition. His accent was sterile and his words clipped short like the hair he probably had shaved stupidly close to his head under the polished helmet. Neither of them had clocked how clean he looked.

Brow cocked, she asked in her own clipped speech, “We are on business. My logs are in order.”

“It’s Coalition Senior Inspector or Sir to you, and I do see that,” He grinned slightly, withdrawing a data pad from behind him. One of the hunched shouldered men behind him had had it. “Do you know why I wished to speak with you,” he asked, his tone making the hackles on her black and gray freckled neck stand up.

Shaking her head, Zaffre answered carefully, taking a step forward so she was between Tagetes and the Coaltion man. “‘Fraid I don’t. Sir.” There was no difference in her voice but the man couldn’t say she was being sarcastic. Not that he probably even knew what sarcasm was.

“Your impulse thrusters,” he grinned like he’d caught her in a trap.

“You mean the one that’s been sputtering? Sir? Yes. Got the credits needed to pay for repairs on my last job...sir,” she nodded, moving her hands like she was doing the math on her fingers.

Behind his helmet, it was a certainty the Coalitioner was seething. It bled into his careful words, “Good. You’ll be taking it to the ship yards then.” It was an instruction not a question and an assumption she was going to be using Galactic Coalition shipyard The sharpness of his words and precision of his posture broadcast that opinion.

“Yes. Sir,” carefully she moved her hands from near her blasters, last thing they needed was a firefight so near an airlock. Not that she wouldn’t put the lot of them down if they drew on her and Tagetes. Would be the principle and within her rights by every regulation and law she could think of for more than one system and the Flotilla. But this stop wasn’t actually about a busted up and overused thruster. No. This was about making sure they knew that he knew who they were and that the Coalition likely knew too. “We were going to head for there at 0800 local time. Sir.”

The next several minutes were long. He stared them down, probably taking an inventory of their weapons and both were sure he was about to ask them to strip off the armor plating from their vacsuits and relinquish their weapons for inspection. That he’d detain them for long enough to put them behind whatever schedule her answer put in his head. “Good evening then,” he said suddenly, marching past and making sure to shove Zaffre with his shoulder on the way.

The two men who shadowed him slinked behind, both keeping distance from the Voidekeine who watched until they were out of sight and the airlock door hissed closed behind them. Like a pair of synchronized binary stars, they slammed their helmets on as a precaution.

First rule of dealing with an self important prick like the Coalitioner - always presume being spaced or left in a depressurized hold is possible. A glance at the computer interface mounted on her left gauntlet confirmed the ship was still there. The Ashewake hadn’t been impounded or vaporized - thank the Makers. It didn’t mean, however, that they could relax.

Tagetes punched in the command and security codes that opened the airlocks leading to their ship and brought her to life. Voice like rocks through a tumbler, he warned, “We better get the hells out of here.”

“I want this to be a speck on radar in the next thirty minutes,” she concurred, her own voice modulated through the helmet. “We can inventory Vaun’s things in FTL. I don’t wanna be around when The Inspector,” her turned mocking for just a moment before she continued towards the cockpit, “gets that Capital ship or the Seti’Veth Primus to authorize a search and seizure warrant.”

“Agreed,” he was through the doors and hooking the duffel to a wall. In the low gravity, it was easy to put it in the netting with another half dozen or so similar black and gray bags. All but one was marked with the symbol for P3Y-722; the Eck’Ra Home world.

Over the ship’s intercom, she smiled, “Next stop on our grand galactic cruise, the sunny breaches of P3Y-722. Or as the locals call it Ori Velar.”

#Original Work #original fiction #original characters #Voidekeine #Of the Voide Story #of the voide #These are mine.#stitch writes #stitch wrote #original science fiction #maybe I'll write more of this

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aetherbunny · 4 years

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Here we go. Olympic AU stuff

This is stuff that was developed to potentially make it into the fic, that was cut out of the fic or I needed to develop it in order to write something that DID make it in lol. The fic itself is here, just in case you’re seeing this post first...

Minor characters cut from the story were Gabe’s Olympic roommate Alexander “Sandy” who was a bit of a weirdo and followed Gabe around making it hard for him to spend time with Prince.

Uriel is barely mentioned as the fencer Gabe knows and not by name. She models to better fund her fencing, and Gabe has been in front of the camera a few times himself. they met that way. She was going to be Fish’s original target until Gabe introduced her to Mikey.

The Mikey and Fish bits were unfortunately cut. I could not decide what I wanted Mikey to be like and she was really inconsistent in her characterization. So to keep her well done I had to keep her short.

Lyle (Ligur) is the the member of the Judo team FIsh references. Harry (Hastur) runs the marathon. They’ve been together one way or another for as long as anybody can remember.

ON to the childhoods, they were developed slightly, because maybe there would have been calls home or mentions of family... going to put this under the cut because it’s so much...

Dorothy “Fish” Fischer, was an only child for a while and then wound up with a younger step-brother. Other than that she had a remarkably average childhood. She realized she was a lesbian pretty early on and so did her parents quite frankly. No real issue when she finally came out. She’s known Prince since they were in high school. They were low key bad girls, skipping classes, smoking under the bleachers, the occasional fight. Ya know. Her mom had a problem with that, and made her pick an extracurricular to take up some of her time She picked swimming and the rest was history.

Elizabeth Prince is second last in a family of 7 kids. I was actually “challenged” to make up her whole family. My pre- reader called my bluff on something, and I had to. More on all of the Princes later.

Ezra Fell had a nice peaceful childhood! He’s an only child and his parents love him very much! His mom is a seamstress and his dad does woodworking. They participate in a lot of historical re-enacting events and make props and costumes for the local theater! Mr. Fell used to weight lift when he was younger and Ezra thought he’d give it a try. For the time being he still lives with them and will still do historical re-enactments! Adam and Them live near the Fell’s and occasionally show up to the historical things and ask increasingly silly questions about whatever is going on. The organizers have little patience for it but the Fell’s like the kids and keep them out of everyone else’s hair.

Anathema has a gigantic extended family. Some of them are, uh, in a mostly harmless, self contained cult? Agnes did still write that book after all but none of it is actually coming true. Her immediate family knows a lot about the “cult” but doesn’t participate. Her family is also still incredibly rich, due to some excellent investing choices. Her parents are lovely, attractive people who dote on their daughter. Anathema is also the only one of the gang competing for a country they don’t live in (full time)! Adria has dual citizenship in Puerto Rico/US so I can imagine Anathema does too. With that she chooses to compete for Puerto Rico (after qualifying of course).

Newt is very much the same. He lives with his mom, his dad was just never in the picture, but the two of them are perfectly happy. Ms. P is a grade school teacher, and the kids and parents love her. After Newt met Crowley she might as well have had a second son, and she’s perfectly happy with that.

Crowley had a pretty bad childhood. His mom died when he was very young and his dad was a piece of shit and left him to fend for himself most of the time. He became very resourceful even if it involved petty theft. He saved Newt from getting beat up (by getting beat up himself) and then they became nearly inseparable. Crowley just calls Ms. P mom, since she basically was.

If Crowley couldn’t be with the Pulsifer’s for whatever reason he was with “Auntie Tracy” or Shadwell. They broke up the fight that introduced Newt and Crowley.

Auntie Tracy is pretty much exactly her book counterpart. When she was “Busy” Crowley would go across the hall with Shadwell who only pretended to dislike him. Shadwell would never tell him but he actually knew Crowley Sr. and thought he was an asshole and it was no surprise he didn’t care about his kid. So Shadwell “begrudgingly” taught Crowley things he’d need to get by.

Both Crowley’s surrogate families knew about each other, and Mom and Auntie had a sit down about everything and worked it all out.

Crowley moved out of his house as soon as he could and moved into the apartment building with Shadwell and Tracy. The Dowlings also live in the apartment block. They’re ex-pats who moved for Mr. Dowling’s job. They’re not bad parents per-se but they could be a lot better. Their son Warlock has taken a shine to Crowley and hangs out with him sometimes. Crowley knows what it’s like to be a kid uncomfortable in his own home so he lets Warlock in whenever.

Crowley works as a mechanic when not diving, he has a pet ball python named Eden he spoils, and he’s obsessed with astronomy. He loves kids and happily volunteers for things at the school when they don’t have enough parents. He’s ambivalent about his gender and sexuality.

Gabriel Herald also had an unfortunate childhood. His dad was in the military and had every hope his son would follow in his footsteps. Gabe, and his mom were not so keen. Gabe was a gentle affectionate kid and she knew that did not make her husband happy. Mr. Herald was a short tempered, verbally abusive man and took most of it out on his wife. Mrs. Herald was a kind woman who loved her son and did everything she could to make sure he never got the brunt of his father’s temper. They moved to the UK when Gabe was young and lived off base.

However it happened they met the Fell’s and spent a lot of time there. Ezra was too young to know what was going on and Gabe never said, but the adults were well aware. The Fells gently talked Mrs. Herald into considering divorce or at the very very least therapy for everybody. Luckily she took their advice to heart. They moved back to the states before the Fell’s knew what happened.

She did get her and Gabe some therapy and was eventually able to divorce her husband. Gabe met Michelle, who was in the US with her military family, at a catholic high school. She had a fairly normal childhood with no huge tragedies. She and Gabe actually dated for just a little while before she realized she wasn’t into men. They proceeded to fake date the rest of high school so the faculty wouldn’t catch wise. Her family took a little adjusting when she came out but accepted it in the end. Gabe and Mikey have been close friends ever since.

Gabe got into boxing right about the time of his parents divorce. His therapist suggested some kind of physical activity and teenage Gabriel wanted to be able to protect his mom in the event his dad got physical…

Mrs. Herald eventually remarried a very kind man who loves her (and Gabe) very much. And Gabe couldn’t be happier. None of them are in contact with Mr. Herald any more.

There was going to be a little scene where Gabe calls home to talk to his mom. Because he’s a mamma’s boy if that wasn’t obvious lol.

Now, for the entire Prince family…I was “required” to give them all names…

Martha and David Prince are now retired and have been for a while. David was a postal carrier, Martha worked at a nursing home. They never pushed their kids to do anything, just supported what they enjoyed. They have no idea how ALL their kids wound up so successful and even with all their love and support they’re overwhelmingly serious and introverted. They’re slightly relieved their youngest is happy to be “something boring.”

Arthur has numerous paintings hanging in fine art museums. He lives on a little farm and cares for his animals in between paintings.

Katherine (Kath) is a sought after architect with her own firm. She’s the second most athletic, keeping in good shape and occasionally running marathons.

William (Will) is a heart surgeon, Martha and David live in his detached cottage.

Charles (Chuck only to his family) Is a property lawyer, and relatively laid back compared to his older siblings. He’s more introverted than serious.

Benjamin (Ben/Benny) is quite friendly and outgoing compared to his siblings. He’s a violin virtuoso and has played around the world.

Elizabeth (Lizzy ONLY to Eleanor) is a world champion archer several times over, and has multiple Olympic gold medals. She teaches lessons but her teaching style drives all but the most dedicated away. She’s not cruel or aggressive, she’s just incredibly blunt.

Eleanor (Nora) is the most bubbly and outgoing of the family. She’s in school getting her higher mathematics degree and will likely become an accountant. She and “Lizzy” are especially close. There was going to be an ongoing text conversation between the two. Nora is also pretty good friends with Fish.

Katherine, William, and Charles are married with kids. Elizabeth and Gabriel get married a few years into their relationship. Ben is in a long term relationship, but neither of them are in a hurry to get married. Arthur and Nora are single. Arthur has no desire to marry and Nora is just too busy with school to devote time to dating.

Also I know this is in the back of some of your minds, the medal breakdown!

Fish and Newt take bronze

Crowley, Gabe and Anathema get silvers

Ezra and Prince take Gold, Ezra nearly breaking a world record for his lift!

and sadly the UK women’s volleyball team does not medal at all.

#good omens tv #good omens au #good omens fanfiction

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ayearofpike · 5 years

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Black Knight (Witch World, Vol. 2)

Simon Pulse, 2014 441 pages, 9 chapters + prologue and epilogue ISBN 978-1-4424-6734-7 LOC: PZ7.P626 Bl 2014 OCLC: 1065025018 Released December 2, 2104 (per B&N)

A month after her connection, Jessie Ralle starts dreaming about a young thief who mysteriously disappears in a flash of light. On the ninth night of the same lucid dream, she herself sees the flash, and wakes up next to the thief and four others in transport to a deserted jungle island. There are no ideas, no instructions, no obvious goals. There’s just a clue, a plaque mounted near their drop-off point that indicates that six groups just like theirs are here, but only one will make it out alive.

In other words: Remember that world-building we had in the first book, where it was implied that Jessie and her baby daughter were going to be integral components to the new and evolving leadership among the witch council? Remember the difficulty and heartbreak of Jimmy only being alive in one half of her life? Remember the potential new bonds of realizing her father was active in her upbringing, and could be again in both worlds? Well, fuck all that — let’s have a Hunger Games.

OK, technically this is more like Battle Royale, and Pike actually makes a reference to it as the young adults acclimate to their surroundings. But it is undeniable the influence that Suzanne Collins had on YA fiction, and certainly YA sci-fi/fantasy/analogues. In the wake of Katniss Everdeen, the market felt like it made a hard shift from doomed supernatural romances to dystopian future societies. It would be irresponsible of Pike to not try to cash in on that.

But this book ... is lacking in this regard. Collins’ success was not just that she made us care about Katniss, but that we cared about the bigger problem endemic to her (and all the other contestants’) situation. And Pike doesn’t give us enough to care about here. We don’t know what the stakes are, beyond survival. We don’t know who these people are, where they come from, or what they have to live for. We don’t even know where they are or why. I’m assuming there was another book or two planned for this series that would eventually get us to the meanings and revelations of this battle and why they were chosen to fight it and what ultimately was to come out of it. But this shit was so unsatisfying and we care so little about anyone or anything here that I can’t imagine we’ll ever see resolution.

(Like, does Pike even care? He claimed when the first one came out that it was going to be his “finest work,” and that the series could go “over ten books.” But it’s been almost five years and we haven’t seen another one of these. He didn’t mention his newer works at ALL in that recent Electric Lit interview. So who knows?)

The biggest problem is that the characters and setting we already know makes such a drastic shift to accommodate this story. And, like, I get it. The model of the industry, especially when this book came out, almost requires that you have established characters and an ongoing storyline before you ever publish anything. But it doesn’t feel connected to what’s come before. At all. It’s a new place we’ve never seen, everyone in the action except Jessie is a new character (and remember there are thirty-five of them), and there is almost zero resolution or explanation for what’s happening. There’s no reason this couldn’t have been literally anybody. Like, this could just as easily have been a Sita book, and maybe it would have actually made more sense, except that there’s no other vampires left. It probably shouldn’t have been a book about Jessie, who has a uniquely important position in witch world in light of the high-profile deaths she’s overseen and her responsibility to the Special. None of what happens in this story fits with anything that’s led up to it, and we are left a) wondering why the hell we’re reading this and b) ultimately unsatisfied.

I don’t even necessarily feel like there’s much to summarize, but I’m gonna do it anyway, because I’m dedicated.

We start with a chapter about the thief — Marc — whose MO is to hide in the trunk of a fancy car he’s valet-parked, wait for the owner to take him home, and then make off with the jewelry she (usually it’s a she) was wearing after she falls asleep. This heist is going to be his last job, because he doesn’t want to risk someone putting together a pattern that these high-profile thefts all came in the wake of the victims having been at his theater. So he steals the lady’s necklace and then her car to safely get out of Dodge, but when he stops to take a leak the light appears.

This is the dream Jessie has for over a week. The rest of the story is told from her immediate perspective, in first-person present tense just like a good little dystopian. She’s wondering about the dream, but she’s more concerned about who she just saw in the mall: the Highlander and President Coroner, just sitting there eating ice cream like they didn’t both get fatal holes in their chests last month. And yes, this is in witch world, where they died. She tails them and discovers they’re staying with (of course) the Alchemist, who tells Jessie there’s a reason for this and she needs to be prepared for ... something big, he isn’t clear on it. The Council has more info, maybe: the bad witches need to replace their leadership, and Jessie is first in line because she facilitated the killing. But what about the fact that she just saw President Coroner? The Council has an answer to that as well: one of the witch genes allows its bearer to control time, and so probably the Alchemist has that and has brought her and the Highlander forward from the past for some reason.

So Jessie goes home and has the dream again, only this time when the light appears she feels as though she’s yanked from her bed. She wakes up in the real world (and yes, I have expressed my hate for these names, but I’m sticking with them for consistency’s sake) in some kind of a shipping container with five other dudes, all of them wearing identical green outfits and matching unbreakable bracelets. And yes, one of them is Marc. The others are a precocious genius who’s going to MIT at 16, a quiet and scared Korean girl, an Israeli military fighter, and a Sudanese farmer who exudes strength and just seems to accept the situation. All of them were snatched at about the same time, globally and not locally — morning for the Americans, evening for Africa and Israel, middle of the night in Korea. But as far as Jessie can tell, she’s the only witch. So what is this about?

They don’t get very far before the next chapter, where Jessie wakes up in witch world and realizes she’s in some deep shit. She spends all day trying to find Marc, but like ... if he’s not connected, how is this going to help? She ends up not doing anything about it, and awakens again in the real world on some kind of volcanic jungle island. They find the aforementioned plaque and immediately realize that they’re going to need to work together and find a place to defend. They also need food, and so Jessie has to start showing her hand when she catches a bunch of fish just by grabbing them out of the water. They find a cave to hide out in, but they also see some fast-moving people in gray outfits, presumably another set of contestants.

The Israeli wants to hunt them down — kill before we get killed, she says — and so everyone except the brain and the Korean go tracking. What they find is a grotesque death scene: five bodies in various states of dismemberment. It’s not the gray people there, though: it’s a giant Swede who has a deal for Jessie. He wants her to kill her humans as a show of faith, and he’ll do the same, and then they can team up against the other witches. Because of course he’s gotten all the information already, having made better use of his interim day in witch world than stalking some boy. Jessie refuses, and they fight, only the Swede has a healing factor that works almost immediately. Luckily some of Jessie’s time-controlling gene kicks in and she manages to run away, but her teammates aren’t so lucky. Another witch shows up and throws motherfucking LAVA at them, killing the Israeli and spearing the Sudanese to a tree.

So her next day in witch world needs to be more productive than the last one. Jessie calls up the Council, who is all pissed off that she didn’t come to them already. To survive, they say, she’s gonna have to go back to the Alchemist, because obviously this is what he wanted to prepare her for. So she shows up and talks to the Highlander, who starts working with her on fighting. Specifically, he forcibly activates her telekinesis power by throwing her off a cliff. So after this she’s gonna want to unwind with her family and enjoy their time together, right? Nope — she goes straight to Marc’s house and tells him the world’s least believable story, ending in the prospect that she might want to try to kill him so his witch powers activate in the other world. But haven’t we already said that killing someone in witch world means they’re totally dead? Technicalities. So she gets home and, oh shit, Jimmy’s mad that she went on a date with some random dude without talking to him at all about her troubles! What a silly boy!

When they wake up in the real world again, the Sudanese warrior is totally healed. Apparently the Korean girl has a super-powered healing factor even though she’s not a witch, tied somehow to the death of her twin sister, who presumably channels the power through her. They’ve also been offered a truce by a couple of other witches, not the ones who tried to kill them last night. So they partner up, but the Korean girl’s healing factor is instantly undone when she tries to fix one of the other dude’s teammates but they die randomly on the walk. (Probably actually secretly strangled by the lava-thrower, who Jessie learned yesterday can also make herself invisible.) They talk about the bracelets, which have some kind of weird stone inside, and one of the other witches says he’s found the source: a giant wall that blocks off half of the island they’re on, which you can only see if you climb to the top of the volcano.

As they’re walking, the gray team attacks ... sort of. These people are short and pale, almost albinos, but they move faster than any human can and Jessie knows they have some kind of group mind that allows them to work together. They surround the group and lure them into a battle with the giant Swede, and while they’re fighting him the invisible lava thrower murders all the humans except five: Marc (who does take a poisoned knife to the back), brain boy, Korean healer, and two dudes on a new witch’s team. Jessie manages to lop off her hand and collect her bracelet before she totally vanishes and gets away. Oh, and the other witch has captured the leader of the albinos, and is holding her hostage to attempt to lure in the rest of them. She doesn’t talk, but her telepathy is unsettling at best.

Jimmy shakes her awake in witch world and tells her to do whatever she has to in order to survive. If that means blowing another dude, whatever. So Jessie calls up the Council, which gives her a little more info on the two witches she’s teamed up with. Watch out for the second one, they say (not the one who’s tied up an albino), because he might have choked his last boyfriend to death and successfully covered it up. She goes back to the Alchemist’s house, where President Coroner pins her down about why their present selves can’t help Jessie train. So she has to limit just what she says about their deaths, and in turn they limit telling her that they traveled to Jessie’s funeral in the near future.

Fuck this training, then, right? Jessie figures the only thing to do is help Marc live, and to do that she’ll have to activate his witch genes. But to convince him to die she’s probably gonna have to give up the booty ... only she can’t do it, she’s too busy thinking of Jimmy for a change in this novel. He wants to go through with it anyway (the death, I mean) but she has second thoughts and isn’t ready to put him through it. So they fall asleep next to each other and wake up in a cave on the side of the volcano, where the other two witches are fighting. It seems the first dude had his teammates on watch, but they mysteriously choked to death in the night while the second dude was backing them up. Huh. But they have to keep moving, climbing to the place where the second dude said he saw the wall, for ... like, reasons.

They find another cave near the top of the volcano, and inside there are drawings showing a woman who looks suspiciously like the Council president touching a bracelet to a giant wall. They have to learn more, but the second witch isn’t eager to reapproach the wall. Brain Boy wants to go, so they agree that Chokey Witch can watch Healing Girl and Slowly Dying Marc while the rest of them investigate. Brain Boy touches the wall and freezes, and even though Jessie knocks him away immediately he senses that a lot more time passed, and he’s seen things that happened in witch world but not the real world. So Jessie wants to try, and when she touches it she’s suddenly playing red queen with the dead gambler from the first book, who reminds her that there’s more to the game than just the next card in her own hand. What? I don’t know.

She comes to on the ground with a lot of screaming going on. The Swede is back, so she and the first witch have to fight him. But he forgets Jessie’s plan and attacks weird, getting stabbed in the gut by one of the flying spears Jessie is controlling with her new telekinesis. Oh, and here’s Invisible Lava Thrower too, about to kill Brain Boy! He acknowledges that there’s nothing he can do and succumbs so Jessie has enough time to grab the Swede’s head and crank it around 360 degrees. Lava Girl vanishes, and Jessie picks up our other witch and carries him back to the cave, which is suddenly being guarded by all six albino dwarves. The other witch says that in this proximity, killing the leader will cause all of them to die because of the group mind, so Jessie sneaks up and lops off her head, and then goes inside the cave by herself.

Sure enough, there’s Lava Girl, holding Chokey at machete-point. Marc is mostly submerged in a freezing stream, and Healing Girl is just, like, there. Chokey fights free, but of course Lava Girl hits him with ... you know, because they’re INSIDE A FUCKING VOLCANO. Only Jessie has realized something: these bracelets with the rock inside that matches the wall control their physical connection to the island. Lava Girl looks sick, pale, and weak since she’s lost hers, and when Jessie casually chucks it into the lava she drops dead.

And now Healing Girl comes to. She wants to try to help revive Marc before it’s too late, and wants to study the poisoned knife. Only she then tries to stab Jessie with it. Turns out that when she was alone with the first witch, the one hiding outside with a spear through his guts, he used his strongest power: mental suggestion. He turned Healing Girl into a slave, designed to kill those who weren’t expecting it. Jessie uses all her mental powers to break the hold, upon which Healing Girl ... jumps right into the motherfucking lava herself.

I don’t know, I guess because we’re getting close to the end.

So Jessie disguises herself as Healing Girl and goes to confront the last witch standing besides herself. Who, surprise, does NOT have a spear through his guts. Apparently he can disguise himself too, in addition to the hypnosis. So he tells her to kill herself with the knife, but she stabs him in the lungs just before dropping her disguise, and then ... slits her wrists.

So Marc can live.

Because only one can survive, and of course it should be some dude we just met rather than the main character of the LAST TWO BOOKS. THE ENTIRE SERIES THUS FAR.

But as Jessie’s soul is floating away, she sees something. She sees herself, only older. Even though I thought once you were connected you stopped aging. And she tells herself that it’s not over, and they can go wherever they want to go ... or whenever, rather.

The epilogue takes place at Jessie’s memorial service (not actually a funeral, because there is no body, Jessie’s just been missing for a month but because Marc is now connected they think they know what happened) where Jimmy approaches Marc and they talk about what they know. In particular, Jimmy asks Marc to watch after his real-world son, who oh yeah there was an unfollowed thread where they got a DNA report that said he wasn’t actually Jimmy’s kid but it was also prepared by Jessie’s still-mostly-absentee father who has an agenda in ascending the ranks of the Council so its authenticity is questionable. But then they talk about Jessie and ... neither one thinks she’s actually dead.

And that.

Is the end of Black Knight.

I can sort of pick out the seeds that Pike is sowing in this story. I can start to sense the coming trails and paths the characters might walk in the supposedly potential ten-book series about witches. But like. You just essentially killed your MAIN CHARACTER. Your NARRATOR. And we don’t actually care about this jewel thief guy, who by all appearances is a BAD PERSON. But you went ahead and put him in the forefront.

Is it any wonder this series fizzled out? Part of why I (and maybe a lot of us) got tired of dystopian fiction is that so many authors felt the need to keep raining shit on their protagonists. And yeah, this is another Hunger Games thing, but there’s a reason there — the dictatorial leadership fighting to keep rebellion down. To be perfectly honest, even though I see that reason, I didn’t like it there either. At some point, I wanted Collins to HELP Katniss rather than repeatedly jamming a boot in her face. We want to trust our authors to care about the protagonist the way we’re supposed to care. So when writers keep making their characters climb uphill, for no reason other than to try to get readers to buy the next one and see how they get over the obstacles, it becomes stale. If they obviously don’t care, why should we?

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achillesmercury1996 · 4 years

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Mindless ramble I plan to read to my therapist about my ~life~ under the cut

Y’all, I just wish I knew what in the ever-loving FUCK I want to do with my life. Like, I wish there was something that I was genuinely GOOD at, but whenever I stop to think about it I just... *Radio Silence*. I went to primary school for 12 mother-fuckin’ years, yo, and during that time, I learned fuck all about myself and what I want to do with the remainder of my life. I dabbled in theater back in those days, but never stuck with it because I’m what my parents like to call ~a quitter~. (When, really, I just didn’t like rehearsals after school, and I especially didn’t like getting harassed by the male director with an ego bigger than Napoleon’s).

Anyway, by some fucking MIRIACLE, ya girl graduated, and got accepted to UNIVERSITY. Which, for me, it was a huge fucking deal because I’ve never been considered ‘smart’ or ‘the college type’. Like, I graduated high school with a 2.9 GPA, whereas my sisters (who I’ve been endlessly compared to my entire life), graduated with a 3.8 and a 4.0, SO, and ended up going to one of the big 10 universities in America. Again...SO.

Carrying on. I went to uni undecided because, again, I don’t know what the ever-loving FUCK I want to do with my life. So about halfway through my first semester, I was walking back to my dorm and was like, “FUCK IT, I write a lot, I’m gonna major in Journalism and Minor in Writing hahahahahaha because writing one semi-successful fanfic on fanfic dot net back in 2012 means I’m cut out for this legggoooo!!”

Anyway, I declare my major and minor, and let me tell you...I took my first journalism courses at uni...and girl, journalism was NOT IT. Not for me, anyway. I always saw journalism as legit WRITING, and given the media boom, it is literally everything BUT writing. When I tell you my ass was hauling a FIFTY POUND VIDEO CAMERA AND BOOM MIC ACROSS CAMPUS FOR A PROJECT WORTH 50% OF MY GRADE...no, ma’am. I literally spent thousands of dollars on a course my 3rd year in my major where you were graded ONLY on doing these 2 film projects...and I DIDN’T DO EITHER OF THEM. I got a D- in the course just because my prof liked me, and would feel bad giving me an F.

Side note, there was even a point during my 2nd year of uni where I decided to change my minor to EARTH SCIENCE because I was like, “yo, rocks are neat, and maybe I could write for Nat Geo one day hahahahahahaha”. Girl, WHAT!?

Okay, so needless to say, I literally fell into a pit, spiraled out of fucking control, drank so much cheap beer, and dropped tf out halfway through my 2nd semester my 3rd year. I had spent HOURS every single day, prior to my decision of dropping out, just looking at other majors offered at my uni (and I went to a liberal arts school, so we had a ton), and absolutely NONE OF THEM struck my interest. NONE.

So what did I do after I dropped out? You mean other than gain 50 pounds and work dead-end jobs? I WENT TO FUCKING BEAUTY SCHOOL. It’s like, someone looked at me, said my makeup looked nice once, and I RAN WITH IT, GIRL. I shit you not, even before I left the town my uni was in to move home, I was looking at beauty schools out there. It wasn’t until I realized that financial aid wouldn’t pay for housing at a beauty school did I realize I would have to move home.

So I’m 22, and my dumb ass goes to Esthetics school. One of the WORST ESTHETICS SCHOOLS IN MICHIGAN, MIND YOU. BECAUSE I SOMEHOW GOT A SCHOLARSHIP. And, no, I didn’t get a scholarship because I’m ~so good at what I do~. I got a scholarship because I’m ~broke~, and the admissions officer felt bad for me, and said if I could write a decent essay about why I wanted to be an esthetician, then she could hook me the fuck up. And I said BET, because one thing that came out of me going to uni...I can write a BOMB essay, okay? I was the designated editor on my dorms floor my 1st year at uni. Not because I’m ~such a good editor~ but because I can bang out a 5 page essay in thirty minutes no problem. Ya girl knows how to write some bullshit down on paper and make it look like gold. Too bad I fucking HATE DOING IT.

Anyway. I go to esthetics school, and immediately get licensed after graduating. It was one of the worst 6 month periods of my entire life, and I honestly hate reflecting back on it. It was also a waste of 8k, and now I’m 10k in student debt hahahaha thanks America!

I genuinely tried to pursue esthetics afterward. I really did. I had a bitchin’ resume, and I went to a ton of interviews at salons, and applied to countless places as an esthetician and makeup artist. I even had a potential job lined up at a salon not far from my house...which ended up falling through because they wanted me to do ~free labor~ for three months full-time before hiring me. Which...no thanks. I needed money. So what did I do? I GET A JOB AT FUCKING KROGER. AS A PICK-UP ATTENDANT. Again, another dark point of my life that was followed by me quitting there after getting injured, going to work at HOBBY LOBBY only to have a mental breakdown before one of my shifts that leads to me quitting there.

Holy fuck. So I had a small moment where I was unemployed for the summer. I went on a trip with my boyfriend, and was a bridesmaid and makeup artist for my sister’s wedding. So it was a good summer. Aside from having no direction in my life that wasn’t to the nearest bar or bottle of what-the-fuck-ever. But you know.

I got a job that December (2019) as a receptionist at a local gymnasium. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I had nice coworkers, the customers were actually pretty chill, and the kids were...tolerable. It wasn’t bad, okay? I actually liked it, but we all know what followed the year 2019...

That’s right...2020. Covid-19. The bane of all of our existences as of right now.

We had to close in March of 2020 with no clue as to when we’d be able to go back. Which, at first, was a nightmare. Because I had shit to pay for, and NO INCOME. At least until unemployment kicked in, we got our first round of stimmy checks, and ya girl actually started to thrive.

I studied more into Buddhism, got into wicca and witchcraft which ended up being a huge light in my life, believe it or not (even if I’m no good at it rn), and I was able to just...be. For a while at least. The world seemed to stop, and I could actually BREATHE for once. It was nice. I lost weight. I stopped drinking ENTIRELY (and haven’t had a drink since summer 2020 THANK YOU VERY MUCH). I read a lot more and finally got to expand my book collection. I just...got to be. And it was so nice.

But now that America and society wants life to ~go back to normal~ and ~keep moving~ (thanks, boomers), that means that I need to do the same. Except I don’t know what it means to ‘go back to normal’ because I’ve never had a normal. And I don’t know how to keep moving because sometimes I really don’t want to. I just want to be. I want to be able to sit down at dinner every night and not feel crazy anxiety because my parents keep staring at me like they’re about to start grilling me about not doing anything with my life. Because, girl, if I had any sense of direction and what I wanted to do with my life, I WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING, OKAY? Like, this pandemic is fucking horrific, okay? But I’d be a liar if I were to say that those few weeks in March and some of April where we were all just vibing, baking bread, sewing masks and being NICE TO EACH OTHER were awful. They weren’t. I loved them. I will forever be chasing that high.

Fuck. I don’t even know what the point is in writing all of this. Maybe I’ll save it and read it to my therapist on Friday so they can get a sense of what goes on in my mind, or how I’m thinking or whatever...but yeah. I just don’t know what to do. I have no direction. I have no passions. There are things I enjoy doing that make me feel good, but once I pursue them, or am forced to do them in a way that isn’t how I want to do it...I lose that passion. Ya dig? Like back in high school when I was an actress. I actually loved it. But once I had to go to rehearsal after school and get bitched at by a director who treated a high school production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang like it was Broadway (like, sir, you went to uni for THIS?)...that passion dissolved. Same with writing. Same with makeup artistry. Same with LITERALLY EVERYTHING I’VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. And like I said earlier, according to my parents, that makes me ~a quitter~.

I just...I have no passions, and the few things I enjoy doing...I don’t want to pursue them and end up hating them too. I don’t act anymore. I don’t write. I don’t do anyone else’s makeup but my own. I don’t even shop or go to the stores where I used to work (except for Kroger because a bitch has to eat). So when it comes down to it, whenever someone suggests I work in an area where it’s utilizing one of my few interests, or working somewhere that I like to go, that brings me joy or peace...why the fuck would I do that? Because, like everywhere else, I know in my gut that it’ll ruin that for me. I don’t want those things ruined for me. Even if I might be ~pleasantly surprised~, I don’t want to take that risk. Shit, I’m not that kind of risk taker. I’ll jump off of a 20ft high diving board, but I’ll be DAMNED if I apply and get a job at my favorite bookstore only to end up hating it, okay? No thank you.

So, like I said in the beginning...I just wish there was something I was genuinely good at. Something I was passionate about that I could pursue it. Maybe even on my own so I could just...enjoy it without corporate hierarchy or whatever barking orders at me or reprimanding me for breathing the wrong fucking way. You know? Or even something that I was SO GOOD AT, that the company or whoever hired me couldn’t afford to lose me as an employee because there would be no one else out there who could do that job quite like me. Except the latter would never be the case, you know? I’m not that good or desirable at fucking ANYTHING.

Anyway. Too bad there isn’t a course I could take on life. Too bad I couldn’t have directed my own life when it came to deciding to go to uni. Because, honestly, I only went because it was what I was told to do. But I digress about that. I just need...direction. I don’t have any, and I haven’t had any direction for a while. My parents would tell you different because they think that if they advise me on what ~they think is right~ I’ll just do it, and finally get my life together. But they don’t want to hear any of this. They just want me to get a job, make money, and get out of their house. They always say shit like, “you’re 24! You’ve been here longer than either of your sisters!” Again, comparing me to my older siblings. It just doesn’t help when you already don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, you know?

Ah, fuck...anyways. Writing this helps. Getting these thoughts out helps. Sharing it with...someone (like I said, I’ll probably read this to my therapist) helps. It doesn’t give me any sense of direction or what the fuck I want to do with my life, but hey, maybe if I take these thoughts to someone who has their life more together, or who could help me get there, it could be a good thing.

I just want to feel fulfilled. And right now I don’t. I never have. And everyone I know doesn’t do anything that fulfills them. It just pays the bills and puts bread on the table. Which is nice and all, but there has to be more to life than living to work and working to live. What about living to live? I need that. Even doing something that is somewhat enjoyable for the time being would be nice. But I’m tired of waking up everyday wanting to go back to bed because the job I have or whatever is so awful it makes me not even want to go through the day. What life is that? I don’t want that. I can’t have that.

But above all, that’s really what I want in life. I want to do something fulfilling. But how do I get there?

Anyway, if you read this far...thanks? Maybe one of y’all out there feels the same way, and it’s comforting to know when other people feel the same way, I guess? You’re not alone, is what I’m saying. We’re all on our own journey in this fucked-up simulation we call life, but it’s nice to have support along the way. You’re not alone. I’m here, and if you ever need someone to talk to, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on, just know that I’m here.

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Back to our regularly scheduled content and ~the gay shit~!

Love y’all.

#thanks for reading #if you did #I'm good y'all #I'm getting help #I just needed to get my thoughts out #and like I said #maybe someone else can relate #so there you go #personal #about me #to be deleted #maybe #who knows #blah blah blah

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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Top New Horror Books in February 2020

Deathless Divide by Justina Ireland

Type: Novel Publisher: Balzer + Bray Release date: 2/4/20

Den of Geek says: Justina Ireland’s Dread Nation was one of the most-talked-about YA debuts of 2018, and for good reason! The story of Black zombie hunters in an alternate Reconstruction-era America is already one of the best premises of all time, and Ireland more than follows through on the promise of kickass, sociopolitically cathartic potential—with Dread Nation, and now with Deathless Divide. (We love this one so much, it’s also on our Top New YA Books of February 2020 list.)

Publisher’s summary: The sequel to the New York Times bestselling epic Dread Nation is an unforgettable journey of revenge and salvation across a divided America.

After the fall of Summerland, Jane McKeene hoped her life would get simpler: Get out of town, stay alive, and head west to California to find her mother.

But nothing is easy when you’re a girl trained in putting down the restless dead, and a devastating loss on the road to a protected village called Nicodemus has Jane questioning everything she thought she knew about surviving in 1880s America.

What’s more, this safe haven is not what it appears—as Jane discovers when she sees familiar faces from Summerland amid this new society. Caught between mysteries and lies, the undead, and her own inner demons, Jane soon finds herself on a dark path of blood and violence that threatens to consume her.

But she won’t be in it alone.

Katherine Deveraux never expected to be allied with Jane McKeene. But after the hell she has endured, she knows friends are hard to come by—and that Jane needs her too, whether Jane wants to admit it or not.

Watching Jane’s back, however, is more than she bargained for, and when they both reach a breaking point, it’s up to Katherine to keep hope alive—even as she begins to fear that there is no happily-ever-after for girls like her.

Buy Deathless Divide by Justina Ireland on Amazon.

The Boatman’s Daughter by Andy Davidson

Type: Novel Publisher: MCD x FSG Release date: 2/11/20

Den of Geek says: If it’s good enough for Paul Tremblay, it’s good enough for us! We love a good atmospheric horror read, and The Boatman’s Daughter sounds like it has more atmosphere in one page than most books do in their entirety.

Publisher’s summary: A “lush nightmare” (Paul Tremblay) of a supernatural thriller about a young woman facing down ancient forces in the depths of the bayou.

Ever since her father was killed when she was just a child, Miranda Crabtree has kept her head down and her eyes up, ferrying contraband for a mad preacher and his declining band of followers to make ends meet and to protect an old witch and a secret child from harm.

But dark forces are at work in the bayou, both human and supernatural, conspiring to disrupt the rhythms of Miranda’s peculiar and precarious life. And when the preacher makes an unthinkable demand, it sets Miranda on a desperate, dangerous path, forcing her to consider what she is willing to sacrifice to keep her loved ones safe.

With the heady mythmaking of Neil Gaiman and the heartrending pacing of Joe Hill, Andy Davidson spins a thrilling tale of love and duty, of loss and discovery. The Boatman’s Daughter is a gorgeous, horrifying novel, a journey into the dark corners of human nature, drawing our worst fears and temptations out into the light.

Read The Boatman’s Daughter by Andy Davidson on Amazon.

The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James

Type: Novel Publisher: Berkley Release date: 2/18/20

Den of Geek says: Who doesn’t love a good creepy motel story? From the author who brought us The Broken Girls, comes another female-driven foray into horror mystery. If you’ve been digging Nancy Drew or love Sharp Objects, there’s more where that came from.

Publisher’s summary: Something hasn’t been right at the roadside Sun Down Motel for a very long time, and Carly Kirk is about to find out why in this chilling new novel from the USA Today bestselling and award-winning author of The Broken Girls.

Upstate New York, 1982. Viv Delaney wants to move to New York City, and to help pay for it she takes a job as the night clerk at the Sun Down Motel in Fell, New York. But something isnʼt right at the motel, something haunting and scary.

Upstate New York, 2017. Carly Kirk has never been able to let go of the story of her aunt Viv, who mysteriously disappeared from the Sun Down before she was born. She decides to move to Fell and visit the motel, where she quickly learns that nothing has changed since 1982. And she soon finds herself ensnared in the same mysteries that claimed her aunt.

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Read The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James on Amazon.

The post Top New Horror Books in October 2020 appeared first on Den of Geek.

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wbwest · 7 years

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New Post has been published on WilliamBruceWest.com

New Post has been published on http://www.williambrucewest.com/2017/07/21/west-week-ever-pop-culture-review-72117/

West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 7/21/17

I haven’t been doing such a great job with my movie tally for 2017. We’re more than halfway through the year, and I’ve barely watched anything. Well, I kinda made up for that last weekend, as I caught Keeping Up With The Joneses on HBO. This is one of those movies that came and went, and might find a fan base on TV, but will probably just be forgotten. If it should be remembered for anything, it’s that it features both Gal Gadot and Isla Fisher in lingerie. That’s about all it’s got going for it. What’s it about? Well, Isla Fisher and Zack Galifianakis star as a milquetoast suburbanite couple who become suspicious of their new neighbors, Jon Hamm and Gal Gadot. So, they’re pushed out of their comfort zone when they find out Hamm and Gadot are spies, and they get wrapped up in their latest mission. This is the kind of movie I would’ve killed a chunk of a Saturday afternoon on had it aired on Fox 5, but I can understand why nobody went to see it in theaters. Folks loved Don Draper, but for whatever reason, they have no desire to help along Jon Hamm’s movie career. And this was pre-Wonder Woman Gadot, so there was no heat on her yet. It doesn’t suck, but it’s got no Wow Factor either. Once it hits FX, it might be a good way to waste away a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I finally got around to watching The Nice Guys, too. I’d tried a few months ago, but I only got as far as the Ryan Gosling fully clothed in the bathtub scene, where I went, “What the eff am I watching?” I wasn’t ready for the absurd that night, but I was ready now. Like everyone had told me, it was really good. I still have trouble with heist/mystery films because my brain doesn’t work as fast as the film, so sometimes I have to reflect back on the thing when it’s over just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Ryan Gosling is a private investigator who teams up with local tough guy Russell Crowe to track down a missing girl. Sure, there’s some stuff about porn, and the Detroit auto lobby, but that’s the gist of the movie. It’s got a precocious kid, a cool 70s aesthetic, and titties. Can’t really hate on any of that. Anyway, I could see this as one of those movies I drop everything to watch whenever I see that it’s on. If you haven’t seen it, definitely check it out.

My new favorite reality show debuted this week on Bravo, called A Night With My Ex. It’s just what the title says: a former couple spends the night together to see if the spark is still there and/or to reopen old wounds. In the premiere, 28 year old virgin Rachel is reunited to smarmy douchebag ex-boyfriend Fabian. They dated for four years, but he cheated on her with a sexy Tinkerbell at a Halloween party because he had a major case of blue balls. When the show starts, you don’t think Fabian is really that bad of a guy. He knows he made a mistake, and he even plans to propose to Rachel because he wants her in his life forever. But things go south quickly. He chastises her for scraping her plate with her fork as she eats, and he tries to make her give him a handjob once they’re in bed. All the while, she’s trying to actually apologize for basically pushing him to cheat by withholding sex, but he never lets her get a word out before saying/doing something stupid. Finally she declares that she deserves better than him, and basically laughs in his face when he proposes. That was some damn good television! If anything, I’d say the show is too short at 30 minutes, but they only spend one night together, and not the whole weekend, so I guess that’s all they could edit together. It’s a lot like MTV’s old show, The X Effect, only the couple’s current partners aren’t spying on the date like they were in that show. Anyway, it’s only been one episode, but I count me in for the next nine!

In TV news, it was announced that Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss have lined up their post-GoT project, Confederate, which is an alternate history series set prior to the United States’ 3rd Civil War. Well, this rang some alarm bells for some folks, as you can’t really get into the Confederacy and Civil War without dealing with slavery. And folks weren’t really happy about these White showrunners making what some considered to be “slavery fanfic”. What hasn’t been covered extensively, though, is that the project is really just coasting on the fact that the GoT showrunners are attached, but they’re not the only ones involved. Husband-wife team of Malcolm Spellman and Nichelle Tramble Spellman , who are Black, will be partners on the show along with Benioff and Weiss. Plus, the show it’s so deep in its infancy that there aren’t even character names or an outline yet. It was originally developed as a two-hour movie, but they decided it could be fleshed out and taken to television. There’s basically nothing on paper for it yet, though, so there’s not much for folks to be upset about at this stage other than mere speculation. The Spellmans acknowledge the criticism, but say that they’d rather it had followed the premiere of the show instead of starting now, as it’s being announced. At this point, I think it’s safe to say that this criticism will go into shaping the show going forward, so we may never get what they originally intended to put out.

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We got a new trailer for Marvel’s Inhumans. Still looks like garbage. I’ve loved Iwan Rheon since Misfits, but I can’t follow him here. This just looks so bad. Look, I’m gonna watch it, but I really don’t see how there’s any damn way I’m paying for an IMAX ticket to see it in theaters.

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We also got a new teaser for The Defenders, which teases the Punisher series at the end. People are going nuts online about this thing because it’s narrated by Stan Lee, but I actually think he’s tonally wrong for this clip. When I think of Stan, I think of his marquee, larger than life characters – NOT the street-level vigilantes. I almost feel like it would’ve been better narrated by Bendis or Brubaker, but they don’t have the recognition factor that Stan has. I get that. Still, it just feels like a hollow waste of a cameo.

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

The good Lord answered my prayers, as Chris Hardwick and Comedy Central have “mutually decided” to end @midnight. I won’t miss his smarmy face or those stupid hashtag games.

I guess the third time’s the charm, as Paige Davis will start her 3rd hosting stint on Trading Spaces when it returns to TLC later this year

Ed Sheeran was on Game of Thrones this week, and I guess some folks didn’t like that. I dunno. I kinda couldn’t care less about Sheeran or GoT, but folks were hatin’!

Meanwhile, it was reported that Lena Dunham will join American Horror Story for season 7, and folks lost their shit about that, too. Apparently she’ll only be in one episode, but that was enough for some folks to claim they weren’t gonna watch anymore.

Transformers: Titans Return will debut in November as an animated micro series on the Go90 app, featuring the voices of Green Ranger Jason David Frank and the original Rodimus Prime himself, Judd Nelson.

MTV is in talks to reboot Teen Wolf before this iteration’s final season has even concluded. Slow it down!

Sega broke up with Archie Comics over Twitter, thereby ending the Sonic The Hedgehog comic after 24 years of publication

Seacrest IN! Ryan Seacrest has officially signed on to host ABC’s revival of American Idol. I feel like I’ve written this sentence 3 times in the past already, but now it’s for real for real.

Coming as no real surprise since The Vampire Diaries ended, The CW announced that its spinoff, The Originals, will end after its upcoming season.

In an odd choice, the directors of the original Catfish documentary (the movie, not the show) are in talks talks to helm a Mega Man film that will be produced by Masi Oka of Heroes fame.

Words with Friends is being developed into a television game show. Ya know, so it’s basically the Scrabble game show being rebooted.

Meanwhile on Black Twitter, R. Kelly is allegedly running a sex cult, Usher paid a woman $1.1 million for her to keep quiet about the fact that he gave her herpes, and Kevin Hart allegedly got caught cheating on his pregnant wife. I’m just waiting for some crazy Steve Harvey news to round out the week.

At San Diego Comic Con, MGM announced Stargate Origins, which appears to be a prequel webseries that will run on the Stargate Command website this fall.

Shazam! will be the next DC film to go into production, following Justice League and Aquaman, but it’s unclear if Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will co-star as Black Adam.

There might soon be a new Cutco salesman on the block, as OJ Simpson has been granted parole from the armed robbery that landed him in prison nine years ago. The Juice is almost loose!

I love those weeks when the West Week Ever recipient presents itself early in the week, ’cause it’s pretty much smooth sailing after that. This was one of those weeks, as history was made across the pond. The Doctor Who franchise is over 50 years old, but every time the Doctor regenerates (a clever in-story mechanism for recasting the actor), he just turns into another White dude. That’s pretty much been the unending pattern since 1966, when the first regeneration occurred. Folks have been saying it’s time for a change, and they were hoping we’d either end up with a Doctor of color (with The IT Crowd‘s Richard Ayoade coming up in a lot of the discussions) or a woman Doctor. Well, half of them got their wish, as Attack the Block‘s Jodie Whittaker was announced as the 13th Doctor. And, as you’re probably not surprised, folks lost their shit.

We’re always taught the the Brits are so proper and upstanding, but the comments sections of several sites proved that they can troll with the best of them. At the end of the day, it’s a bunch of folks who are afraid of change. A friend of mine, however, did point out that the victors in these circumstances also tend to trigger the backlash against themselves. For example, it would be one thing if this was seen as a bold move forward for a progressive franchise. The problem, however, is that some people take it too far, and get on the “I’m savoring these fanboy tears” soapbox, making it about something that it really didn’t need to devolve into. Sometimes the winners can suck just as much as the losers in these scenarios. This can be seen as a “win” for some without it being a “loss” for someone else. How about framing it as a win for everyone? Nah, the internet doesn’t really work like that.

I have never gotten into the Doctor Who franchise because it just seems so daunting. Sure, folks claim you really only have to start with the Eccleston season, but when I get into something, I go ALL IN. To me, that’s like telling someone they can start Star Trek with The Next Generation (which I’d probably do, since I hate The Original Series, even though I’d still feel like I was cheating them out of an experience). I feel like I’d have to watch all 54 years of the show, which is impossible because those seasons ain’t streaming anywhere, and a good chunk of them have been lost to time. It’s a franchise that cannot be wholly consumed! I hate mysteries that can’t be solved. Still, I can respect a longstanding institution, and I understand when change is a big deal. It’ll be interesting to see how fans take to the new Doctor, but the one thing to remember is that she’ll probably do it for 2 years, and then regenerate into another old White guy (the Doctor role has the retention rate of a community college). So, everyone gets their wish! I am kinda curious about the next season, though, as rumor has it Kris Marshall (Colin: God of Sex from Love Actually) is going to be the Doctor’s next companion. I loved that dude!

Anyway, I know which side of history I want to be on, and it’ll be interesting to see this all play out. The way the franchise works, we won’t see her until the Christmas special, and then won’t see her again until late 2018 at the earliest. So, folks have got some time to get used to the idea. Still, I think it goes without saying that Jodie Whittaker had the West Week Ever.

#Christmas #DC #Marvel #Movies #Music #Politics #Power Rangers #Race #Religion #Social Media #Star Trek #Syndication #Television #Video Games #West Week Ever

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jinjikook · 8 years

Text

Sugar Sweet | 3 | (M) [Discontinued]

word count: 5.1k

genre: smut + fluff; college AU + fuckboy!kihyun

pairing: reader/kihyun

summary: your best friend & roommate changkyun just wanted to help get you laid. instead you found solace in a pink haired man named kihyun who had a smart mouth with sharp words you weren’t afraid to let cut you, as long as he didn’t mind you hurting him a little too.

a/n: there’s no actual smut in this chapter, just lots of talk about it along with seriously suggestive things, but it’ll be in the next one! thank you so much for the support and love for SS so far!! ♡ ♡ ♡

masterlist

2 days.

2 days was all you got before fate decided to fuck you over once more.

On one of the worst days of the week—scratch that, the whole month—you were dealing with too many problems at once. For starters, your alarm didn’t go off because your phone died halfway last night due to the fact you fell asleep watching Netflix and didn’t lock it. Clearly, that also meant you forgot to charge it.

But being late made you miss most of your morning class, to which you’re almost always on time to but the one day you weren’t, the professor decided to assign an important project that required you to work with a partner. And since you weren’t present, you were forced to work with Kim Taehyung, a notorious flirt and slacker when it came to work. Sure, he was nice to look at but he was useless in class, always relying on copying others to pass by. So this meant you essentially had to do the entire project by yourself within the next two weeks on parameters you weren’t present to know of.

Then, you went to get something to eat and after dealing with waiting in line behind what felt like the slowest talker in the universe, once you finally got your bag of hot fast food, this asshole behind you bumped into you and made you spill your soda all over yourself, not even as much as an apology left his mouth. He just gave you a dirty look as if you were the one who bumped into him.

Getting home was hell, half-chilled clothes sticking to your body grossly as you bit into the burger, even though they had gotten it wrong and gave you a different kind than you ordered. You couldn’t turn on the AC without freezing to death because of your clothing and you couldn’t distract yourself with your usual music because your phone was still at home charging. The radio in your car was virtually useless, every station always playing the same annoying and repetitive songs or disc jockeys rambling on and on about moronic families doing normal things that were always blown out proportion because they’re famous.

(For all the wrong reasons, you might add.)

When you actually got home, you realized your apartment’s laundry room was closed off. Apparently due to some risqué teens deciding to try and get it on in there and ended up breaking some pipe or something like that which ended up flooding the place. Damn horny kids and their inability to keep their sex lives in their respective homes. Not like you were one to talk though, if that little escapade with Park Jimin not too long ago in the movie theater was anything to go by.

So after changing into drier clothes; albeit they were just old sweatpants and the commemorative t-shirt you got from that car wash thing at the sorority, you set off to the local laundromat. It wasn’t anything swanky but it got the job done and it had enough security cameras and witnesses to keep you from being kidnapped from creepers who try to steal women’s panties from their baskets. You brought a basket with enough clothes to wash that would at least last you a week. It included underwear, some jackets, plenty of t-shirts and tank tops and of course, jeans for days. You threw in a load into one of the medium sized machines, relishing in the fact that it was relatively empty in the establishment minus you and a few others that minded their own business fairly well.

You had one side of your earbuds shoved into an ear, jamming quietly to a fairly poppy song as you poured in your detergent and softener, probably too much for the size of the load but you never really cared much about that. Humming along to the tune, you turned on the machine and fed it your quarters, watching as it hummed to life and began to fill with water and suds.

Turning around, you were met with a body blocking your way to the counter where the rest of your clothes were. You were about to open your mouth and kindly ask to be let past but then you watched as the man in front of you spotted a pair of your underwear in the basket, sticky fingers already going to reach for it. Your eyes widened to the size of saucers and insults and accusations jumped to the front of your tongue, ready to jump off and give this creep an earful. However, the face you were met with as he turned with the said article of clothing made you more flustered than angry.

“Dang Y/N, I’d like to see you in these.” Kihyun spoke, his voice slightly hoarse from what’d you assume was sleep. He eyed the pair of baby blue panties that hung from his grip, the slight white lace trim grazing his fingertips. You were absolutely fuming, how dare he just overstep his boundaries like that and expose you in front of the public like this?

(The public being the 4 or 5 others inside the store with you, all of which were totally not paying attention to either one of you. But that was beside the point, it was the principle of the matter!)

You huffed and lunged to tear the fabric from in-between his digits but he simply stepped back and made you miss altogether, smirk plastered on his features.

“Uh uh uh, gotta move quicker than that sweetheart.” You growled and tried again, a repeat of before making you lean too far forward and fall into Kihyun’s personal space. Too close for comfort, definitely. “Baby girl if you wanted to get close to me, you didn’t need to play this little game, just ask. Surely you know how to use your big girl words, right?” Kihyun teased, re-hashing the words you had spat at him the first time you met.

“Seriously? You’re being so fucking immature right now, just give me those!” You tried once more, finally getting a decent grip on them and tearing them out of his hands, angrily throwing it back into the basket with your other dirty clothes. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be, preferably a thousand miles away from me?”

He chuckled, his gaze falling to the floor for a brief moment before coming back to meet your eyes, looking a touch darker than before. “Bothering you is always my number one priority, don’t you know?” He ruffled your hair and walked towards your basket again, hopping up and sitting next to it on the small counter. His eyes caught the offending piece of clothing once more before you stepped up to him and silently threatened him to not even dare. He raised his hands in mock surrender but continued to smugly smile at you, like he had you right where he wanted.

“Why are you even here? Isn’t your place like, on the other side of campus?” You asked, choosing to ignore his presence by instead categorizing your clothes between lights and darks.

“Missed you. And a little birdie told me they saw you here so I decided to grace you with my face and pay you a little visit. Ya’ know, to brighten your day.” Was he for real? How does one person have so much confidence in themselves at all hours? You didn’t even dignify his words with a response, scoffing and shaking your head as you try and decide if a gray shirt constituted as a light or a dark.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, you know. That little shirt isn’t really helping me either, babe.” Kihyun pointed at the shirt you were wearing, a blatant reminder of the conversation you had not that long ago that led to having hypothetical sex on your couch with him. Your heartrate picked up slightly, skin already getting clammier at the sheer memory of the time you two shared together. It was thrilling, though you hated to admit it. Something about Kihyun made your libido spark up, in ways you just couldn’t explain. And here he was, on one of the worst days of your life with his stupidly perfect face and stupidly sexy smile, tempting you like a little devil that hung off your shoulder.

He sighed and looked around, watching people come and go around you two. He wanted to do something to you, with you, but something about this place just ruined his “game”. He needed to get you somewhere else, a better playing field.

“How long are you gonna be here?”

“I’ll stay all night if it means you’ll leave.”

A soft chuckle paired with his soft hands at your chin made your eyes meet Kihyun’s own, “Love, I’m not leaving here without you.” Your mouth gaped at his words, leaving you beyond speechless. He was simultaneously so sweet and yet so spicy-sharp that you couldn’t help but feel enticed by his every word. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, his words already had you trembling in his grip, anticipation boiling inside as you shakily answered with a soft and barely-audible soon that made the corners of Kihyun’s mouth perk up. It reminded you of something evil; dark and low down but you couldn’t pinpoint who exactly you thought of in the moment.

He offered to help and pulled out his wallet, unzipping the small pocket on the side and shook out a couple of quarters. Taking a couple of ones out of it, he stashed the wallet away and mumbled about getting change from the machine in the corner. The whole idea of him helping you wash clothes had you shell-shocked, the entire thing being so damn domestic. Surely, he had ulterior motives in wanting to get you out of here sooner, no doubt. But at the same time you couldn’t help but think that he didn’t have to go to such lengths. Especially not having such an affinity for you that his friends knew enough of it to tell them your whereabouts, just so he could come and pester you. It was peculiar to say the least, but not unwelcome, you came to realize.

As shit as this day had been already, spending some time with Kihyun seemed like it wouldn’t be the worst. After all, he wasn’t so bad and if all else fails, you can just give him hell and laugh at his misery and take your mind off your own. He returned promptly, asking you to help him load the washing machine next to yours with the rest of your clothes. After silently following his orders and watching him carefully measure out the detergent and softener, he realized you hadn’t taken your eyes off him for the past few minutes. Even after he shooed you away, telling you he knew how to handle the machine just fine by himself, you still sat back and watched in awe. How could something so incredibly normal and average look so beautiful? Even with his hair snug underneath a black beanie and an oversized hoodie on, Kihyun still managed to take your breath away.

You figured that’s what always made you come back to him, despite his toxic attitude and sharp tongue, his pretty face and melodious laughter made up for it. You finally had an answer for his question the other day: even though he was as rude as they come, he still was a beauty that suited you perfectly. The sexual attraction was based off your constant fighting, the tension simply from raised tempers. But the actual, raw magnetism he held in him was from his prince-like appearance, surely what drew most girls in on first instances. It certainly was what captured your attention once you looked past his filthy mouth.

“Hey, did you want to take a picture? Because it’ll last longer, trust me.” He interrupted your thoughts, bringing back the attitude that turned your face sour.

“Anything lasts longer than you, trust me.” You shot back, smirking at his obviously surprised reaction to your words, not expecting such a witty and quick response from you.

“Wanna bet?”

You raised your eyebrows at him, all those mushy feelings from before completely dissipated. Leave it to Kihyun to fuck up a decently nice moment alongside him. You shook your head and turned the volume up on your phone, the one headphone that was in was on Kihyun’s side so it’d block him out. Closing your eyes, you let your head loll back and the rhythm that pounded in your eardrum made your mind let go of its stresses just for a moment before Kihyun literally ripped the bud out, yanking on the cord and making your eyes shoot open and instantly glare at him.

“I asked you a question Y/N. You always say I’m the rude one but ignoring me is just as much impolite.”

“I chose to ignore a stupid question, for both our sakes.” You spat, reaching to put the bud back in but Kihyun’s hand stopped you once more.

“I don’t get how that benefits the both of us? Makes me sad when you ignore me like that.” Kihyun falsely pouted, mock innocence crossed his face. You didn’t believe it for a second.

“Tough shit, suck it up Kihyun.”

“I’d rather if you did.” Kihyun instantly retorted, leaving your side as the washers dinged and already signaled the end of their cycles. He sang quietly as the wads of moist clothes were tossed into adjacent dryers, Kihyun instinctively throwing in dryer sheets and already putting in change to start the machines. He turned and was met with your bewildered stare, eyebrows raised high.

“Why did you just do that for me?” You asked, seeing no reason for him to have gone through all the trouble of automatically putting your clothes to dry.

He shrugged, returning to your side in a few strides.

“Okay, let’s say, for hypothetical purposes, what would it take for you to partake in my game?” Kihyun brought his earlier topic back full circle, eyes still trained on the tumbling clothes in the dryers. You pursed your lips, a tight line in-between them as you thought about his so-called “game”.

“What were you thinking, hypothetically?” You indulged in him for a moment, curiosity nipping at your heels like a yippy dog.

“How about, after these finish up, we go out together? Hypothetically speaking, of course.” Kihyun began to share his idea, the thought of you two going out together already making you anxious. “Then, we see who really can last. Whoever gives in and initiates something first, loses.”

“And the hypothetical prize?” You asked, already getting wet at the mere thought of teasing each other in public. Exhibitionism wasn’t exactly your biggest kink but it certainly was something different and doing it with Kihyun sparked a low fire in your stomach.

This prompted a scoff from Kihyun before he finally turned his head and met your eyes, “Bragging rights, obviously. And maybe a favor from the loser?”

This game suddenly got a lot more interesting.

While Kihyun was already thinking of filthy things he’d have you do after he won, you had other plans. Sure, you’d have to swallow your pride and flirt brazenly with Kihyun but once you won, you’d make him regret it. Maybe make him wear a pretty dress and wait outside for a bus while screaming something to get everyone’s attention? Or possibly you’d make him apologize in person to every woman on campus who he’s slept with and kicked out, including yourself. This was going to be fun, already deeming yourself a winner. After all, you certainly had more resolve than him plus he was the one who had a thing for you, not the other way around.

“Okay, I’ll do it. Under one condition,” You began, trying to hide your excitement in making Kihyun eat his words. The other nodded, already accepting whatever terms you had since it’d mean he’d have you wrapped around his finger shortly. “You have to help me fold this stuff, nicely.”

“Oh that’s too easy. Plus, it lets me get my hands on whatever other pretty pairs of underwear you’ve been holding out on.” Rolling your eyes, you patiently waited for the dryers to finish and your little game to begin soon enough, already plotting serious revenge tactics once you gloat amply in the winner’s circle. Kihyun continued to hum along to a mindless tune, interfering with the one in your ear at the moment. You pulled out the bud and gave him a look, prompting him to smirk and raise an eyebrow, as if to ask what? I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Gesturing to your headphones, you began to speak, “I’m trying to listen to something here. Maybe sing a little quieter? Or not at all? Thanks sweetcheeks.” You decided the little moniker at the end was aptly put, since he always seemed to use nicknames with you and think it’s alright.

“Sweetcheeks? I’m not even gonna dignify that one with a response. But if you have so much trouble focusing, how about you let me listen to what you’re listening to? That way if I do hum, it’s at least the same song.” He didn’t wait for you to answer, already reaching over for the other side of the headphones and placing it in the proper ear. Listening intently, he instantly recognized the melody and began to hum lowly to the chorus, favoring to harmonizing with the vocals versus just following the same chords. Your eyes were locked onto his figure, swaying softly to the beat as he let himself get lost in the music. His eyes were closed and the dusting of his dark lashes fanned over his glowing cheekbones, looking like absolute art in its finest form. A small peach strand maneuvered its way out his beanie, cascading down over his forehead and the tip of it landing just past his eyes, down the middle. Such a small imperfection and yet it still accented his face in soft staccatos in a way that stole your breath away. His eyes opened up to stare at the offending hair, cross-eyed at the task of focusing on it. Kihyun blew a small puff of air, levitating the strand and you watched it fly up only for it to slowly drift back down to its original position. He tried to blow it away once more and it only made the hair fly away more erratically before once again landing in-between his eyes.

He finally tore his focus away from the hair to glance over at you, not expecting to find you so entranced with his visage. He smiled slightly, just a gentle upturn of the corners of his mouth as he reveled in your awe. Somewhere in his brain stewed a snarky comment, something that’d make you scoff or roll your eyes in an instant. But Kihyun couldn’t will himself to ruin the moment with his smart mouth, wanting take a picture of you in the moment and keep it forever with him. Why he felt that way, he wasn’t sure.

You finally noticed his eyes on you and you instantly felt your face flush with heat, tearing yourself away from his side and taking interest in tucking your hair fervently behind your ears. Kihyun found the motion cute, and most definitely not subtle. You gnawed on your lip in worrisome nibbles, making it turn redder from the irritation. When it popped out from in-between your teeth, Kihyun felt the air being ripped out from his lungs. Your lips looked utterly perfect, plump and pink and everything that Kihyun wanted to bruise; to ruin and make his forever. Now it was his turn to be taken by your beauty, though he had the advantage of being able to do so more freely, not caring if you noticed or not. He had verbalized his interest in you before, just not as intimately as he was feeling right in this moment.

Sure, he had the want to make you his in the bedroom—wanting to fuck and claim every inch of your sinfully gorgeous body—but now, he saw you as something more delicate, fragile even. He wanted to lay you down, kiss along every crack and crevice your body held, wanting to know the stories behind every childhood scar that dotted your skin. He gulped harshly, feeling cotton-mouthed at the entire revelation, finally feeling something other than lust burning in his veins for the first time in what he was sure was forever. The thoughts both scared and intrigued him, much like a jump down a pitch-black ravine. There was the initial fear of the plunge itself. Then the excitement of the journey down, only to be faced with the destination, whatever it may be. But what if where he landed was nothing like he hoped? Or worse, what if it was not what he wanted?

“Um, earth to moron? Kihyun? Kihyunnie???” Your melodious voice tore him from his thoughts, eyes met with your own as you were bent in front of him with your hands raised, no doubt you had been waving them in front of his face to try and get him back from wherever he’d spaced off to. “The clothes are done, c’mon, you said you’d help.” You tugged at his arm to get him to stand upright and after a small fit of frustration, he finally decided to cooperate and help you fold the two loads from the dryers.

Focused on properly folding a soft gray towel, you hadn’t taken notice of what Kihyun had picked out from his pile of clothes: yet another pair of underwear that you threw in to wash. This time it was black and lacy, a lot more risqué than the previous pair. The sight of it stirred something in Kihyun’s belly, arousal peeking in the edges of his psyche as he imagined the fabric clung tight against your body and hung low on your hips. He’d probably pull them to the side when he’d fuck you, wanting to keep them on you because you looked just so sinfully good in them. His mind was muddled with needy thoughts of you, wanting to hear you beg and whine all pretty, much like the first night you two slept together.

Not wanting a repeat of the previous time he ogled your panties, he stashed the pair in the pocket of his dark-wash ripped jeans, by the tightness at the crotch that began to bloom. He’d make use of them later, sure to bring them up another time and see just how red your face would get. Soon enough, the two of you had finished organizing the clothes and gently stacking them in your baskets, the entire time going well with no event, other than the stolen undergarment Kihyun had hidden away in his clutches. The silence allowed Kihyun’s arousal to wane off to a gentle buzz, a low hum in the background that he could tolerate for a little while longer.

After placing the two full baskets in the backseat of your car, you wiped your slightly clammy palms against the front of your sweats and turned to face Kihyun.

“Well, what did you have in mind for the backdrop to our little game?” You asked, choosing to not beat around the bush any longer. After all, you had menacing plans brewed in your mind and wanted to waste no time in your chances to execute them.

“How about the mall, love? Maybe we go bowling, check out some shops and grab something to eat? That is, if you aren’t already begging me to eat you at that point.” His smile ticked on, igniting the low burn that seemed to always be in your presence when Kihyun’s all-too glorious face reared itself. It would burn especially hot when he did that smirk thing, paired with a wink that sealed a kiss on your core, making it grow wetter at what was promised behind those cocky actions. “How about you go change into something a little more… I would say comfortable but honestly I don’t think it gets any more so than that, other than being naked. Which I’m totally okay with by the way, though I think that’d count as an instant forfeit since it’d be totally unfair.” A scoff made its way out of your maw before you even processed the words out of Kihyun’s, choosing to continue his tangent for him to save yourself the second-hand cringe.

“I’m just gonna go home and change into something more appropriate.” That was a more tasteful choice of words, but even then Kihyun still mockingly pouted at them.

“Aw, baby. You’re no fun.”

“I’m playing this game aren’t I? That alone should get me some points.” You fired back, already getting in the driver’s seat and putting your keys into the ignition, turning it and making the car’s engine roar to life. You watched as Kihyun tried to speak to you through the window, muffled voice making you laugh as he tried to gesture to you wildly. “What was that?” You cupped your palm around your ear, “I can’t quite hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” You giggle at his small tantrum, his hands furiously signing for you to roll down your window. With one last burst of laughter, you decide to pity him and pull the window down, giving Kihyun to opportunity to finally speak.

“God damn Y/N, way to be an ass.” Another fit of giggles erupted out of you, your palm coming up to try and stifle them despite doing a terrible job of it. “I still don’t have your number. That’s kind of important given the fact you have no idea when or where we’ll be meeting later.” For once, Kihyun actually made decent sense and as much as you didn’t enjoy the idea of Kihyun having your personal phone number and the ability to contact and pester you at any given time, you figured it was bound to happen. Especially if he really did stick around to stay in Changkyun’s close circle of friends.

After a few grumbles, you begrudgingly told him the number sequence for your cell, watching as he proudly tapped away at his own, entering the numbers and instantly saving them under the name Baby Girl ♡ and quickly sending you a text so his number would register on yours.

Unknown Number [2:14 PM]: save me as “best dicking down of your life” ;)

You groaned at his text and was tempted to just toss the phone out the window by his feet and run over it multiple times but thought against it, not wanting to add yet another expense to your already growing pile of bills. Just to spite him, you went to the text and quick-added him to your contact list as Pain In My Ass, turning the phone to show Kihyun his new name.

“You wish honey, we can head that route another time; if you’re down.” He winked, disgust flooding your expression at the fact that he insinuated anal sex would be on you two’s agenda any time soon. Fingers already flying over your keyboard, you decided to just keep it short and simple, a good name that’d double as a warning should his name ever show up in your notifications for any reason.

Turning the phone back to him, you felt pride swell in your chest as his expression turned something sour, an ugly scowl marring his already too pretty features. The sight alone made you bark out in laughter, hand coming up to smack at the steering wheel. His new contact name was fuckboi #1, and you wondered if you’d have gotten the same reaction if you had went with the other nickname you had stewing in your mind.

(Cotton Candy was the other, but at the last second you felt it was too sweet, literally. He would’ve probably said he melts in your mouth, much like the pink and fluffy treat.)

“Aw babe,” You sweetly drawled, relishing in his reaction to everything in the moment, “you’re too cute. I’ll see you later.” Not sparing another moment, you drove off in the direction of your apartment; leaving Kihyun there both stunned and aroused at the nickname you called him.

You’d gotten home just a little while ago, a quick text shot to Kihyun telling him you’d meet him at the food court around 6 o’clock tonight. It gave you time to relax a little and get your game plan all figured out. Taking the time to write a cheat sheet on the notes application on your phone, you began to jot down all your dirty and sneaky ideas for the night. You’d wear something not too revealing but still attractive that you could use to your advantage. The plan was to have him drooling only minutes into your mock date, in a way that he wouldn’t be able to resist getting his hands on you. A few more bullet points down the line, you’re interrupted by a vibration paired with a name dropping down the top of your screen, fuckboi #1 flashing across the top along with the small green message icon.

Smirking at your all-too clever joke, you deemed your list ample enough for the time being and tapped on the notification, screen fading into the text message page for your conversation with Kihyun.

fuckboi #1 [3:08 PM]: what are you wearing tonight?

fuckboi #1 [3:08 PM]: since I want to make sure you’re not being a naughty little cheater tonight

A small laugh left you; of course he’d catch on to such an easy ploy for you to access. Tapping away quickly, your response came to life in no time.

You [3:09 PM]: wouldn’t you like to know?

You [3:09 PM]: for your information, it’s tasteful and hot as fuck

fuckboi #1 [3:10 PM]: so you are going nude then?

Seriously, this kid was too much for you.

fuckboi #1: [3:10 PM]: i stand by your decision sweetheart, can’t wait to see you

You [3:11 PM]: gross

You [3:11 PM]: I’d rather fuck a cactus than be naked with the likes of you

fuckboi #1 [3:12 PM]: wow baby, didn’t realize you were such a masochist

fuckboi #1 [3:12 PM]: i reeled myself a good one

You [3:13 PM]: fuck you

fuckboi #1 [3:14PM]: you’d like that wouldn’t you ;))))

You [3:15PM]: you’re so going down tonight

You [3:15 PM]: babe

Laughter filtered from your mouth as you noticed the sudden lack of snarky responses, the name calling probably already making him weak in the knees. Tonight was going to be so easy, you had it in the bag. At least, you thought you did.

fuckboi #1 [3:19 PM]: let the games begin

fuckboi #1 [3:19 PM]: baby girl

Maybe you were in over your head, more so than you originally thought.

#mxnetwork #mxwriters #kihyuknet #kreativewritersnet #kihyun #yoo kihyun #monsta x #mx #mx:kh #kpop #monsta x smut #kpop smut #reader insert #kihyun x reader #kihyun smut

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attract-mode-collective · 8 years

Photo

Gentlemen Prefer Pixels (Over Polygons)

Called me old-fashioned, but nothing’s sexier than a girl that’s a mystery. Blocky, abstract pixels make you wonder, whereas smoothly detailed polygons do not.

And the above, featuring interpretations of various leading ladies from various 8-bit games from an old issue of Famitsu, illustrates this point nicely. I’ve always had a thing for Samus, but it was kinda more fun when my imagination filled in the blanks.

I also kinda dig the pink and white color scheme for the armor she has here. Bonus points for not sexy-ing up Tyris Flare…

BTW, they’re from this old blog that hasn’t been updated in ages. Google Translate sez its aim was to transcribe 1000(!!!) issues of the classic Japanese game mag, and once again, I am saddened by my inability to understand Japanese.

I also have a new project; to archive the source, since info like this is fairly scare and blogs in general do not stick around forever. Oh, and I’d gladly accept anyone’s help towards this effort, cuz my hands are pretty full at the moment.

Speaking of archives, thank goodness for the Video Game Art Archive, which preserves illustrations found in old game manuals. Recently it began showcasing imagery found in the manual for Ballz, on old 16-bit fighter in which every character is made out of, you guessed it.

As it turns out, the Japanese edition has its own unique interpretations of abstract game graphics…

And, as is often the case in Japanese game manuals, comic strips can often be found…

So, what news has me the most excited this week? Nope, it’s nothing related to PAX East (which I was unable to attend, unfortunately). Instead, there’s word that the Brick Theater is reviving the Game Play festival! It’s been a summer staple (alongside the New York Asian Film Festival) for years now, and I was super bummed that there wasn’t one last July (I also feared the worst, that the plug had been pulled entirely).

Anyhow, nothing has been announced because they’re still gather applications. So if you happen to have an idea for a stage production that’s video game related, click this link. Oh, and for anyone interested in my write up of Game Play 2015, here ya go.

The other exciting bit of news is this footage of 3DS Space Harrier, Galaxy Force II, and Power Drift, the 3DS versions running on a PS4 with a PSVR, courtesy of posthumanwanderings…

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I seem to recall Yu Suzuki saying that he’d love to have Space Harrier in VR at the very least… though I believe the following is just a test produced by hardcore Segaphiles.

Sticking with Sega, though also back to the subject of theater; remember TOKYOHEAD, that play in Japan that depicted the trials and tribulations of top ranked Virtua Fighters? Well I recently came across this video…

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… and this article, which mentions TOKYOHEAD. The production utilized motion capture tech called DL-EDGE that allowed the actions of actors on stage to be mimicked by in-game character (which I thought was what was happening in one photo, in my write-up)…

One last bit of stage theatrics; please enjoy this handshake from the stage production of Persona 3 (via emperorsfortune)…

For whatever reason, this photograph has me imagining a woman from the future, sent back in time to save humanity, but instead of arriving in some back alley street light in the Terminator, it’s in the middle of a game center…

It’s actually artist Mariko Mori, and you can check out other photographs from the same series, I think (including one of her dressed like a sexy android hanging next to a Sonic & Knuckles demo station), here.

Speaking of PDFs, during a regular scheduled attempt to gather anything I can find regarding The Flying Luna Clipper, I came across this link, which itself contained one to an archive of MSX Magazine…

Despite being the cover story, there isn’t much intel, or so it would seem…

… Yet the whole issue is definitely worth leafing through, especially if you’re obsessed with old Japanese PC hardware designs as much as I am.

Please enjoy this bit of fancy footwork from Tekken 3 (via sixteen-bit)…

Sticking with the subject of fighting games; the latest from the CDTcrew is perfect for anyone that’s a fan of Street Fighter 2 and seizures…

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Which fighting game glitch do you prefer? This one from King of Fighters 2002, or this one from Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3?

Okay, time to chill for a bit. For six hours exact. That’s how long the sound of the Arwing’s engine, from Starfox, goes on for (there’s also a twelve hour version, for anyone interested)…

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This week’s recommended reading is courtesy of Kotaku, which recently interviewed individuals from two local businesses that specialize in console repair. Here’s some excerpts from 'Let Him Fix It': The Battle Over Who Gets To Repair Your Consoles…

““I’ve been fixing stuff since I was a little kid, scavenging garbage,” GorillaStomp said, not looking up from the Xbox he was dismantling with a screwdriver. He was watching a For Honor Twitch stream while removing pet dander and cigarette detritus from the Xbox’s jammed disc tray. “Basically, I went from Legos to real-life troubleshooting.”…

… Back in 2008, GorillaStomp interviewed for a job at 8-Bit And Up with its owner, Joe. “It was the weirdest interview I’d ever had,” he told me. Joe asked if he’d ever worked as a repair guy. GorillaStomp said, “No, but last summer, I fixed seven PS2s for my buddies.” Joe hired him.”

Here we have a promotional vid for Atari, produced in 1981. It’s actually quite excellent, as far as corporate propaganda is concerned, thought it’s also a super sexy time capsule (via tvgame)…

youtube

Just a bunch of Super Mario mushrooms, in the corner of a Japanese book store. That is all (via fuckyeahjapanese)…

Behold, Moscoso x Psyduck (via altcomix)…

Which piece of Sonic fan art sent to an old video game magazine is better? This one (via sonicthehedgeblog)…

Or this one (via oldgamemags)…

And which Famicom cart (via famicartart) do you find more appealing? This one, for Perfect Bowling…

Or this one, for A Taxing Woman…

As much as I love a beautifully rendered cover art, sometimes a quick and dirty screenshot also does the job well (via shmups)…

I really have no idea what this image is about, but because it’s Xevious related, I kinda have to share it (via gaijira)…

And last but not least, this is apparently the only decoration in fmtownsmarty’s room…

Don’t forget: Attract Mode is now on Medium! There you can subscribe to keep up to date, as well as enjoy some “best of” content you might have missed the first time around, plus be spared of the technical issues that’s starting to overtake Tumblr.

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

Vol. 15

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

The Haunted: Stalked By A Vampire *Bumps in the night & an invisible sucker of energy, Animal Planet? Okay, the family had a dog & 2 cats, animal enough for ya? A mom of 5, w/ a husband away at work all the time, projects her somber moods over certain recent life events, like her admitted miscarriages, onto her family. Instead of time spent really trying in the care of mental health experts, paranormal "experts" are called in. The spook investigators sound like they're making a metaphor about this "energy Vampire" continuing to follow this woman around as if they really meant to be saying her mental health problems. Sadly, they're serious only about the supernatural & not this woman or family's mental well being.* 1 star

Jerry Springer: "I'm Happy I Cut Off My Own Legs!" *A middle aged man turned trans-gender woman achieves another lifelong goal when "she," after many hilariously described failed attempts (homemade guillotine), discovers that a power saw is the right tool for the job. On a side note, Caitlyn Jenner is still a former male Olympics track star w/ both "her" legs.* 1 star

The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort: Ken Ham "Aliens Go To Hell" (Live Interview) *The creator of the Creation Museum claims to be saying that he doesn't believe that NASA is complete nonsense, but he suggests that it's a waste of time & money. From the smarmy & unfunny remarks of Ken, Ray, & the other co-hosts/tools it's obvious that they're attempting, & failing, in trying to tie the secular scientific community in w/ hardcore UFO believers.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Twelve Stepping & Hypnosis *Have a disease? Then get on your knees. Close your eyes, count backwards, & you're cured.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*M... Kay...: God first, money second, cosmetics third, individuality somewhere after family & a career w/ Mary Kay.* 2 1/2 stars

*Pre-Marital Sex Who Do You Listen To: Listen to the dorky 80s rock band PETRA, some supposed experts in the emerging HIV-AIDS crisis who have an obvious religious bias, & your local Republican congressman & or minister... heck could have been dad's country club golf buddy / spiritual guru of the green. Keep your privates holy & clean.* Decent

*Sheep: "Have you ever had a mountain top experience, girls?" We know that if you listen to this Peggy Hill look-&-act-a-like w/ her own baaaa talk show, you haven't had a female orgasm, because that's not righteous of a lady, baaaaa!* either 1 or 3 stars

*Evolution Is, As Evolution Does: "A dog, a wolf, a coyote, & a banana. Which is not like the others?" I give up. I need further religious instruction to answer this question or parable. Oh, it's not a parable? It's just an attempt to disprove evolution... banana!* Folly! me banana. Daylight come & me still don't know if earth 6 thousand or 6 billion old!

*2 Minute - The Second Coming: End times & a non-believer can't even get a cheeseburger & a medium coke w/out the mark of the beast or ending up like an unfortunate soul in a story by Edgar Allan Poe.* either 1 or 3 stars

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GoodBadFlicks.com : Dead Heat *Treat Williams looks so much like Bill Pullman. Treat Williams makes a great zombie.Treat Williams & Joe Piscopo make a great buddy cop duo. The 80s were probaby the only decade that a great zombie cop buddy action comedy could be made.* 3 stars for the review

--- Siskel & Ebert: The Worst Films of 1984 (aka The Stinkers of 84)

*Always loved the intros for Siskel & Ebert. I'm more familiar w/ the one from my childhood where they meet out in front of the theater looking grumpy while buying newspapers & paying the cabbie. This one is from close to a decade earlier & they're much more cheery fellows as they go about a quirky routine of getting their movie concession snacks.

*Sheena, Queen of the Jungle: Roger thinks that Sheena isn't even a good bad movie w/ inappropriate music for the action scenes "sounds like it belongs in a honeymoon video" & Tanya Roberts not being sexy enough. I like that Roger is thinking like Joe Bob. Yeah, doesn't look great to me. Yep, 80s & before were about the only time a blonde white chick could be seriously considered a jungle queen.* looks like folly

*Rhinestone: Siskel isn't fond of hearing Sylvester Stallone sing bad country music in a popular, at the time, urban cowboy genre disaster. I wouldn't either. Dolly Parton is his co-star & it looks like they had zero chemistry. Could have been the awful dialogue. More weird is that Stallone seemed to be trying a southern accent... ugh...* 1 star

*Bolero: Roger & Gene like Bo Derek better in Tarzan & 10. This is one of those infamous movies that true film fans always hear about & torture themselves with. No thanks. Looks awkward & one of those arthouse flicks that make sex dull.* 1/2 a crushed matador's penis

*Cannonball Run 2: Gene can't appreciate a country wide car race movie that only has a small animated car race at the end. I remember liking these Cannonball Run movies as a kid. Not sure if they still hold up. Probably couldn't stomach so much of Burt's physicalcomedy. Dom Deluise makes me slightly chuckle though.* close to 2 stars

*City Heat: Roger thinks that bad action & bad comedy equals a bad movie. Siskel thinks that the actors slept walked through the making of it. One would think that an Eastwood & Reynolds 1920s or 30s gangster buddy film would have some entertaining value, but it looks like it was played way too tongue in cheek.* 1 star

*Dune: Siskel & Ebert think Dune was squandered potential. Turning out to be dusty in its ugly presentation & confusingly boring. As poorly made as "an old serial like Captain Video." Dune is another divisive infamous movie. I'm not qualified enough to comment on it as I've never gotten around to seeing it. Only David Lynch movie that I haven't.*

*Siskel & Ebert's honorable mentions of 84:

*Friday the 13th, The Final Chapter: "Bad news it won't be the last one." Respectfully, I say, screw you, Gene. Lucky for us 80s kids, he was right.*

More than decent.

*Windy City: "Tearjerker about a guy mostly in love with himself." A forgettable romantic comedy looks like. Every generation of movie goers has hundreds of 'em.* Dull.

*The Woman in Red: "Kelly LeBrock was not on screen enough." - Siskel. Also starring Gene Wilder lusting over her. Can't blame either Gene.* could be fair.

*Where The Boys Are: "Sex & surf replaced by inflatable dolls & sun tan lotion." - Ebert. Sounds like Roger is bitter about being too old & chubby to go to the beach where they were filming 80s sex comedies. Was it a sex comedy?* another could be fair.

*Best Defense: "A stupid military espionage story." starring Dudley Moore & Eddie Murphy .Murphy was already teaming up w/ other actors to make bad comedy movies in 84? I thought Eddie was on fire until some time in the 90s when he started screwing up.* early folly

*Harry & Son: "Painfully contrived" father son movie featuring Paul Newman.* skip, 1/2 star

*Silent Night, Deadly Night: "Crude, mean spirited slasher movie" & not a Holiday classic? What did Gene expect? It's A Wonderful Life? Thank Santa for mean spirited 80s holiday themed slasher movies. Again, this time I'll have to respectfully disagree w/ a generation of movie reviewers my parents' age who just didn't get a certain genre's finer points.* more than decent

Gene promises a feature on Hollywood's hottest new comic. Coming, next week, "The Secret of Bill Murray." Ha. Awesome time period.

Siskel & Ebert are sponsored by: Diet Shasta (generic soda for generic people like Gene & Roger), Pan Am airlines for those who wanna be spread across the Pacific ocean like so much untraceable no rescue debris... Raisinets & Goobers... Glade Smoke Away fordingy smokers who stink & wear dingy colored clothes like Gene & Roger & every other adult in the early 80s...

Roger & Gene separate at the entrance to leaving the theater. Trying to pretend that they don't secretly go to a motel together after the movies.

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Occult Demon Cassette presents "Rock, It's Your Decision" 1982 (Christian Anti-Rock VHS) *It's your decision to surrender to your parents' & youth minister's opinion on devil music. That is unless you, being a dumb teenager wasting precious brain cells on rock & bible school lessons, can find, via religiously biased "research" materials backed up by scripture, a damn good reason to damn your soul to hell with rock music. Bwahahaha! That laugh might have sounded evil. But it came from a wholesome, square & uptight, while at the same time trying to be understanding to teens, youth minister.* folly

Uncharted Zone: I Only Set the Stage - Paul Gormley *Dad rock in dad jean shorts. She devil in red. The pit of hell & horrible green screen amateur music video fx. Also that ole aging rocker cosplay Satan himself.* close to 2 stars

--- Night Flight (1990):

*A jean ensemble wearing 80s teen breaks into the carnival to blast his rock cassette ove rthe audio system & to ride the rollercoaster all by himself. Sony "Take It For A Spin" 2 1/2 stars

*West Michigan's "Kids Film Festival" featuring "Problem Child 1"... "The Jetsons Movie"... Bill Cosby's "Ghost Dad"... "The Jungle Book".. "Back to the Future 3"...* 2 1/2 stars

*"Give 'Em A Brake!" road worker safety ad sponsored by the "Detroit Pistons" & the Michigan Department of Transportation. I don't want to sound like Bill O'Reilly, here, but looking at the short shorts on the early 90s NBA players makes me miss pre-HIP HOP fashions & attitudes NBA. Not a lot of disgusting tattoos either. They actually look like basketball players not "thugs" in baggy pajamas.* more than 2 stars

*Toon Theater - Goodnight Norma... Goodnight Milton: A miserable couple show their very grotesque secret sides when they get home from a night out with "friends" that they despise behind closed doors.* 3 stars

*Night Flight bumper featuring Bela Lugosi & Boris Karlof playing a game of chess.* 3 stars

*"They're young, they're beautiful, & we have their private phone numbers." Call 1 900... Yeah, I seriously doubt beautiful women want their private phone numbers given out to perverts.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*A bald middle aged man is positively thrilled w/ his game show experience on Grand Rapids tv's "The Jokers Wild."* 2 1/2 stars

*A kid sits on his carpet floor playing w/ his firetruck dreaming about one day becoming a fireman. On the 13 inch t.v. starts playing a cheesy jingle "America needs you... America needs me... America the beautiful, we're gonna save the free... So, I'm gonna be the best that I can be because America needs me!" The kid is magically transported onto the back of a firetruck on a fire & rescue mission. He's zapped back to his living room floor w/ a new "America Needs Me!" t-shirt. He gives a thumbs up & says "Drug Free"... Central Michigan Substance Abuse Center... Huh? What the hell did the fireman fantasy have to do with drugs? I'm so confused.* close to 3 stars or 1 star

*Extreme closeups of mouths as they give confessions to the camera "I couldn't help myself" along with pulsating drum & synth music as the off camera industrial fan blows the hotmodel's hair as she holds an ominous red telephone not connected to anything. It's not a wireless phone, it's one of the old school curved chorded phones, so that's why it looks odd to me & I've decided to comment on it & waste words doing so.* 3 stars

*A grandma sits down in the rocking chair, in her shack, to tell a bedtime story to a young child... for some reason, it appears that the tape cuts out & shoots to somethingelse.. not sure if this is part of the story... doesn't seem so... maybe I'm wrong

*"From Outerspace They Came" logo for a 50s sci fi style flick

*Now claymation monsters in a claymation city... looks great

*Guitar solo & the beginning of "Would you take me to Funky Town" cool

*50s sci fi space explorers sit back & prepare to be blasted off into space... I'm ready

*Logo for "Space Monster" where an astronaut encounters a creepy looking humanoid alien who won't stop flicking his tongue.* Weird, thumbs up

*Grandma's back to tell another story... So, I guess beginning w/ the first time we saw her that was the first Night Flight video essay.* 3 stars for that one

*Here begins another Night Flight Video Essay

*1940s looking cartoon screen card for "The Pincussion Man" as Bowie & Queen's "Under Pressure" begins to play.

*It's a happy cartoon planet of balloon animal creatures & explosions

*interspiced into that is a 50s era show or movie featuring a guy being hypnotized to walk funny & then being levetated onto a table.* goes together well.* 3 stars for that essay, unless this is gonna be one big long essay. I'm unclear, so I'm breaking it up.

*Grandma's back for her bit & to start another song w/ selected animation / skits for it

*Witchy cat woman Diana Ross leads a hunk, in a white suit, by the hand through a dreamlike black & white world.* She's into horror makeup like her protege Michael Jackson, I guess

*She's a panther woman but she "don't wanna be eaten alive" even though she's planning on sucking the meat from this guy's bones. Eat me, Diana, Mistress of the Motown Night!

*It sounds like Michael Jackson is singing backup vocals on this song. Sounds good & 80s funky.* More than 2 1/2 stars for that one.

*Grandmas back, once again, & once upon a time... But the Nightflight bumper & announcer lady means that entire series of video essays is over, I'm assuming.*

*Not even 20 minutes into this episode of Night Flight & there's already been more entertainment content value than most modern cable channels, much less their lineup of awful shows, feature all fucking day & night long.* Viva Night Flight

*Spooky as shit ad for a psychic hotline. Most psychic hotlines usually feature white & black trash idiots talking about how it helped their relationships or fortunes. This one is complete X-Files nightmare inducing photoshop of Egyptian images, ghost children, zooming cosmos, skulls, phantom robed creatures, & other ancient religious iconography.* 3 stars

*Promo for the tabloid news journal show "Inside Edition" featuring a story on a cop undercover as a teenager. He gets executed by students. Maybe his very adult mustache was a giveaway. His grieving mom is nothing to laugh at, but Inside Edition is the one doing the exploiting, I'm sure. Probably pretending it's some kind of youth crime epidemic & not some random & odd circumstance act. Ah, there's host Bill O'Reilly. Ha.* 1 star

*Ad for a dirtbike arena racing "Thrills & Chills" home video.* I'll pass. 2 stars

*special preview for "Frankenhooker" coming to vhs home video.* 3 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Mario Joyner: Jokes about how black folks don't try to get a fade by frost bite in the Winter like white folk do w/ their sun tan in the Summer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Norman Gunston - Roving Reporter: A neurotic Brit raves about some bloodbank conspiracy & then startles random real people on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while asking them for free blood donations. Ha.* close to 3 stars

*Inside Edition promo about Judy Garland's failed comeback tv show. No surprise that this shameless show picks easy targets like dead celebrities. Then, an even more ironic story featuring Bill Cosby talking with teens about sex... Oh, boy....* 1 star

*A morbid "This little piggy" ends in a toe tag for an abused child. In a Child Welfare League of America ad. A grim time period involving child abuse.*

2 stars

*Feature on the resurgence of 70s shock rocker Alice Cooper.* 2 1/2 stars

*Night Flight makes use of their vault of movie & cartoon clips for some horse riding, cowboy, wild indian, kung fu, arabian knight horseback tricks action in a faux ad for "Billy Jo Bob's Riding Academy" "2 Miles Past Bucky's Gunshop"* cool close to 3 stars

*Tuxedo wearing James Stacy holds up a Dirty Harry sized handgun & then says that drunk drivers do more damage. "It could cost you an arm & a leg." He then reveals to be missing both his arm & leg. Heavy, but I'm not sure which statistic is higher for U.S. deaths.* close to 2 1/2 stars. They really don't know how to do effective, startling public service announcements, like this one, anymore.

*Bela Lugosi in "The Phantom Creeps": "Mad Genius Running Wild" the papers say as Bela creates things like a giant killer robot, super villain invisibility, & bombs that can be tossed like firecrackers.* 2 1/2 stars

*Painter Paul Collins shows off his artwork from time spent on a Native American Indian reservation & he calls them an "endangered species" in an ad for the Michigan Indian Child Welfare Agency.* 2 1/2 stars

*The silhoutte of an 80s chick & the breathy words "fantasy phone" must have been enough to get phone sex horny losers to "finish" after the chick tells them "I'll start & yo ufinish." 5 dollars for the first minute. They want their 5 bucks first because they know that you'll finish in under a minute if you're desperate enough to call one of these numbers. Just a "hot" girl speaking to you at all is enough to reach climax.* 2 stars

*Rocky Horror Picture Show - Timewarp: Might have seemed lazy to toss this classic into the late night variety, but it hadn't been done to death by this point or ruined by the awful people involved with the musical show "Glee."*

2 1/2 stars

*The Fleshtones - I Was a Teenage Zombie: Would make a great B-side to "Surfin' Dead" plus the movie clips look decent as well.* close to 3 stars

*Yazoo - Don't Go: Don't remember the video for this being so horror inspired.* Decent

*Sheena Easton - Telephone: All the classic Universal monsters plus a disembodied hand are after Sheena. Can't say that I blame them after she tempted all w/ her "Sugar Walls"* 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Colin Quinn: He pokes fun at growing up Irish-Catholic dealing w/ cop relatives & touchy priests.* close to 3 stars

*Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" set to video of kung fu cinematic action.* 3 stars

*Rudy Vallee in The Musical Doctor: A singing emergency room where a "Step & fetch it" black stereotype is seeking treatment. The doc prescribes him the smooth sounds of inter-spliced clips of Sting from The Police (huh? ha!). He's black, so he'll also need a dose of interspliced Chaka Khan's "I Feel For You."* either 1 or 3 stars

*Old old Hollywood clips of beautiful ladies doing some synchronized swimming dances while the Night Flight voice over lady pokes fun at Dr. Vallee's techniques.* 3 stars

*Dr. Vallee has another crazy patient. This one has hammer toe "Stop Hammertime" w/ the MC himself spliced in. No kidding.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another patient is suffering from lack of music, so he gets some Dionne Warwick "That's What Friends Are For" followed by Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" R & B from "Babyface"... blues from some of the masters... more MC Hammer "Can't Touch This"... my my my my.... "Bel Biv Devoe" for dessert...* 2 1/2 stars early Obamacare

*Cultural tv game show featuring everything from President Ike to President Reagan from James Dean to Disco. Hot pants to the VCR. "Tic Tac Dough."* close to 3 stars

*Not ready for tv women in an ad for the Displaced Homemaker Program. This is exactly why women need not to be homemakers or second class citizens. I'm no liberal or femi-nazi controlled thinker, but seeing these poor women's lives ruined after divorce or becoming a widow is just sad & a product of our failure as a society.* 2 stars

*Pretentious Bono in a cowboy hat during one of U2's concert tours from the 80s. One where they're filming it in black & white. He's trying to get art street cred by having blues legend B.B. King join U2 on stage.* 2 stars

*B.B. King - I Need Some Help: performed on what looks like Austin City Limits. This time w/out Bono to ruin the performance.* 2 1/2 stars

*B.B. King - Lucille: Steve Martin, Dan Akroyd, the lovely Michelle Pfeiffer, & Eddie Murphy join B.B. for a quirky video.* close to 3 stars

*Robert Cray - Right Next Door: Rather subdued, sitting alone in an artsy room w/ flowing curtain window w/ bare minimum light shining through it, guitar solo video.* 2 1/2 stars

*Robert Cray - Nothing But a Woman: This video has Cray singing & 80s cartoon graphic sinterspliced w/ Cray & the band video fx. 80s MTV & Monty Python esque* 2 1/2 stars

*Albert Collins - The Trouble W/ Money: This looks like a 70s era performance on something like The Midnight Special. Collins is a haggard looking old school black dude who plays his guitar like he's making love to a woman.*

close to 3 stars

*Renee Taylor's "2" (1967 short comedy film): Parody of pretentious Eye-Talian cinema & modern people's pretentious self loathing in love affairs.*

close to 3 stars

*"Big Cheese & the Food Groupies" California Raisins style animated wholesome snack PSA w/ the characters singing in the fridge for some happy kids.* 2 1/2 weird stars

*Night Flight's Sci Fi Monsters video essay:

*Oingo Boingo - Weird Science: Interspliced w/ old clips of early 20th century films like "A Voyage to the Moon" or whatever it's called.* more than decent

*"We Have the Technology" interspliced w/ the electrocution scene from the 50s classic "Thing from Another World."* close to terrific

*The theme from Doctor Who interspliced w/ Doctor Who style robots & a stadium rock anthem by TimeLords.* 3 stars

*Kate Bush is a spooky banshee in "Experiment 4".* 3 stars

*"Ladies & gentleman, Elvis 1990" a Billy Idol look-a-like spliced w/ scenes of cyberpunk dystopias & Godzilla.* close to 3 stars

*Now a true Elvis look-a-like in outerspace singing "Video Babe" while flying saucers destroy Washington monuments.* 3 stars

*Herbie Hancock's 80s synthesizer classic spliced w/ scenes of early 20th century movie magic explorers encountering dangerous tribe people of the moon.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fishbone? in a weird sci video that ends in a nuclear explosion.*

could be terrific

*Night Flight's Never Coming Attractions:

*GI's go rocket riding in "Invasion of the Star Creatures": Super tall & sexy vixens from the stars encounter some dopey & short in stature army privates who they seduce & unleash kooky monsters upon.*

3 stars, I'd watch it, looks cheesy good.

*"Space Monster": 50s sci fi space adventure where the spaceships & planets are held up by string & the stars are holes pocked in a black canvas w/ light shining through. The alien monster is a humanoid w/ a large head, big ears, & a flickering tongue.* 2 1/2 stars

*Della's Diner, a West Michigan theater presentation of a kitschy diner complete w/ big haired waitresses & eccentric patrons. All presented by the local Grand Rapids tv station.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another "America Needs Me Drug Free" PSA featuring this time a black kid who wants to grow up to be like his black hero fighter pilot. He only got a t-shirt, no ride on the jet like the boy on the firetruck. I guess the Air Force said no. Darn. Do drugs!* 2 stars

*Night Flight's toon theater:

*Mouseferatu: Very well animated & sort of risque. When Mousey finds his intended victim, she's a very sexy pussycat sleeping in the nude. & despite all his rage, he's still just a rat in a cage when daylight comes to turn him to bones.* 3 stars

*Retro black & white clip of some ranch cows & a bull singing a country & western diddy.* 3 stars

*Promo for "Ghoulies 2" on Grand Rapids TV 8.* 3 stars

Following Night Flight on TV 8 is the syndicated cult classic "Dynaman" mock dubbed in English & parodying the already super-weird Japanese Power Rangers pre-cursor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dog Police" *A nerd rock 80s weirdo band's lead singer takes his werewolf date to the night club where the trench coat "Untouchables" look-a-like "Dog Police" bust her for bestiality?* 3 stars

James Randi Debates Two Mediums & Psychiatrist Brian Weiss *Gay mustache & spirit aficionado James Van Praagh along w/ 20 questions for 20,000 gullible people champion John Edward bring a hack psychiatrist & author of a book about past lives to a debate w/ admitted cynic Randi. Which leads to Randi face palming & taking the whole thing about as serious as one would imagine. CNBC's half zombie half talk show host Charles Grodin seems to be hopeful about the psychic claims.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Feng Shui & Bottled Water *A refreshing arrangement sold at a bullshit price.* 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*ABC TGIF Monster Bash Weekend (1993): The Olsen twins host the Halloween edition of TGIF. When you're 11, you're definitely uncool enough to watch ABC on a Friday night. I still am uncool enough. Family Matters was the Breaking Bad of its era. Boy Meets World never appealed to me. Step By Step was okay. I remember most about it having the guy from the Kickboxer sequel. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper is lame when you think back on it, but it worked for the time. A "cool" middle school or junior high teacher who was down w/ the kids & played basketball. However, nothing about this particular promo is spooky or creepy enough. The 80s would have tried harder w/ the scary theme than the 90s seemed to.* 2 stars

*Real Ghostbusters Super Weapons (1990): Some kids take their awesome Nerf officially licensed Real Ghostbusters toy weapons of minor destruction & chase the poor dog around their spooky dark house. That's what I call fun animal abuse. *wink* 3 stars

*Predator 2 (1990) Movie Promo: I love the narrator's voice describing all of Predator's high tech weapons. Similar sounding voices noted all the high tech features of new cars at the time. It slipped my mind that Bill Paxton is in this movie. Of course everyone who has seen it will remember Danny Glover's manic, awesome performance, or Gary Busey being in it before he went completely off the deep end of eccentricity. But Bill Paxton was in both the Alien & the Predator sequels. That's cool.* 3 stars

*Coca-Cola Classic 'Dracula' (1992): A Bela Lugosi impersonator, in a striking visually black & white castle setting, scares a blonde victim from her sleep. Instead of putting up a cross, in defense, it's a juicy red Coca-Cola can. I guess Dracula's blood sugar was low, because he goes from pale to plump tan in seconds. He bites into the can sideways & slurps the syrupy soda. What coke addict hasn't imagined something similar? The ad end sbadly, however, as it approaches Twilight sparkly "vampire" territory when the spooky couple walk out the door into an animated Disney daytime cartoon scene complete w/ chirping love birds.* either 1 or 3 stars

*Highland Superstores 'Phantom of the Opera' (1989): The organ music from "The Phantom" is still unsettling after around a 100 years of it being in our nightmares. Dinosaur Dracula mentioned this, in his article, & it's true, "appliance stores are dreadfully dull." In the 80s, during the era of dull parents & dingy colors on everything including off white & putrid yellow fridges, microwaves, washers & dryers, & dishwashers. Some were even the same green color of The Creature from the Black Lagoon's bowel movements. If I were "The Phantom" I wouldn't dwell at Highland Superstores. If I were a disgruntled former manager of an appliance store, I wouldn't. Hell would seem happier.* 2 1/2 stars

----------------------------------------

Beavis & Butthead: Plasmatics - The Damned *"Explosions... half naked chicks. This video has something for everyone."*

3 plus stars w/ riffing 3 stars w/out

--- TV Carnage:

*Straight Body Builder Bio #1: "When in Rome do as the Romans do." The Romans did gay stuff in Rome. In Southern California, this feminine Rick James, on roids, can make delicious ancient Chinese herbal tea, draw comics of other buff fantasy masculine heroic figures, strum his string instrument, & play w/ his pooch on the beach.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Tell Me About It: The reporting from the red carpet premier of Legally Blonde is as dumb & inspid as imagined.* zero stars

*The Hump Day Return of Aids!: "Real men don't talk to their women about sex." Laughs. Huh. Huh. Starts humping potentially aids infected partner.*

2 1/2 stars

*Tom Arnold Stars In Long Lost Porn: Didn't know Tom was so patient & considerate to the half naked chicks he lets ride on the back of his Harley Davidson.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------

"The Last Dragon" (1985) *A midnight movie happening inside another midnight movie featuring kids from Soul Train. Also feels like Motown is making fun of MTV's Cindy Lauper & Madonna.* 3 stars

"Shotgun" (1989) *A buddy cop Lethal Weapon wannabe that's almost as awkward as Samurai Cop. There's a plot about a sicko torturing & killing hookers that's similar to Wings Hauser's "Vice Squad. "Then a finale that's a revenge gunfight south of the border that recalls 70s grindhouse classic "Rolling Thunder" but is more over the top like a Rambo sequel.* between 2 & 2 1/2

Cannon Films "Hospital Massacre" (1981) *Creepy fact: if you ever walk into a room & see someone crawling out a window, looking back w/ a devious smile on their face, know something horrible has happened in the room. Our scream queen, the gorgeous Barbi Benton, doesn't even realize she's being stalked by a slasher for over an hour of the movie. She thinks she's just being inconvenience by hospital procedure red tape & a screwed up test result. However, the kills are bloody good, the atmosphere is spooky, & there's even some black comedy.*

more than 2 1/2 stars or plus

"Video Wasteland Combilation" *Twinkle Twat, feminine deoderant spray. Baby upchuck doll. Punk singer w/ dry heaves. Way USA starring Tesco Vee. Aeon Flux. Tim Allen as Docu-Comic. Dawn of the Night of the Dead - The Musical. John Waters & Divine. West Germany Air Show Disaster. Vincent Price on the 64,000 Dollar Question. LSD-25. This Is Elvis's Birthday '92.* 2 1/2 stars

SCTV Monster Chiller Horror Theatre w/ Count Floyd: The House of Cats *Bored housecats "jumping" at the screen in 3D. Well, at least Count Floyd promises so. John Candy drugs women & turns them into his personal pussycats until they rebel or at least he has to act like they're clawing him, when they couldn't be bothered to even paw.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye: Sex *Bad aids vs. good aids, the mucking about homosexual scandal of her majesty's royal navy ,the debasement of an American politician, an asexual man up a pole watching pornography, beating off assailants, Peter Stringfellow, & a giant whore on the loose.* 3 stars

=== Geraldo Rivera: Hate Mongers (1988)

*Skinhead smackdown smashes Geraldo in the schnoz.* 1 infamous star (not of David)

[Note: Geraldo has always loved pouring fuel onto a fire. Not for justly reasons, either. Here it would appear so, to the people of the time period, but fast forward to today & Geraldo is standing among "Black Lives Matter" protestors & telling them that racism no longer exists in America.

Geraldo: race baiter, troublemaker, & obvious fraudulent media manipulator of any era he's in.]

(edit, years later:

I still think Geraldo is a douche, but I've woken up how much of an idiot I was for kind of casually being apathetic to & half way supporting groups like "Black Lives Matter."

I think most everyone has if they don't have "tribal" interests or are a "race blind" moron who'll be dragged into the streets while trying to high five a "friend" of color during a riot or "peaceful" protest someday & be treated to a beating similar to the one Reginald Denny received on CNN in LA in 92 after the Rodney King verdict?)

================================================================================

Mysteries From Beyond the Other Dominion w/ Franklin Ruehl *Eerie coincidences between the Kennedy & Lincoln assassinations. I like the true nerdiness of this early Sci-Fi Channel show. If it were a part of a nerd culture channel or website, today, it would have faux nerd hipsters ironically doing it & not the earnest weirdness of Ruehl & company.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Special Delivery: "The bitch, the bitch, the bitch," the female dog is having puppies.* 2 1/2 stars

*Something Big: "The first nude pop video" might "offend" as it warns, but the mostly tasteful nude images of big breasted women aren't as obscene as the Euro-sleaze leadsinger's crooning & 70s porno mustache.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Appointment... With Death: You'll never see Hawaii, if you keep smartin' off to the monotone voiced angel of death premonitions.* either 1 or 3 stars

*I'm A Spoon: Women of all body types used to search for that perfect fit, but eventually gave up to the potato sack look of sweatpants w/ sassy slogans on the ass.* 2 stars

*I Gotta Go!: When you get that feeling way down below. A sanitized version of the uh oh diarrhea song from Steve Martin's Parent Trap. There's no Barney the Dinosaur to help the toddlers & kids sing along & poop, but there's a chimp taking a shit (for giggles).* 3turds

----------------------------------

Grandpa Munster's SuperScarySaturday on TBS Superstation: King Kong vs. Godzilla the Debate *Since neither monster can talk, pro wrestling personalities, of the 80s, are doing the cheerleading. Motormouth evangelist look-a-like, w/ a tennis racket, Jim Cornette, preaches for Godzilla, says that his monster is younger than the "dying of old age" King Kong, and he can breathe fire. Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie wannabe Michael P.S. Hayes, standing up for his hairy hero, boasts that Kong can swat planes while still holding onto a babe. I call it a tie. So, would any other fan of both monsters.* 3 stars

--- Occult Demon Cassette Presents: "Exposing the Satanic Web" 1990 (Satanic Panic VHS)

*Yesterday Satanism, today radical Islam, tomorrow extraterrestrial orgasms?

Who knows what the future holds, but the religious right will most likely be there to spread their brand of disinformation.

People really couldn't tell that the crayon drawings of occult rituals were done by adults w/ agendas?

Motley Crue images pop up constantly in these old scare films.

Motley Crue obviously weren't a threat to America's teenagers. They're now bloated white trash rock has-beens trying to get their near elderly groupies to still flash their saggy tits!

Those women didn't end up sacrifices of the devil. They probably had about five dirty young'uns that never got sacrificed either, 'cause Satanic Panic was just that panic that meant nothing.

Nerdy teens who played Dungeons & Dragons didn't role play murder half the parent population in the U.S. No, they're still harmless adult nerds.

The reformed high-priest of Satanism turned Christian now confessing his former dark powers & deeds.

Is it okay that he claims to have committed horrible acts because he's asked for forgiveness from God?

Shouldn't he be in jail? That's proof that he's full of shit. That all of the scare-mongers of these videos are full of shit, & have taken a simple fantasy game, a rebellious youth music that they don't enjoy or understand, & victimless boredom in juvenile property crime through graffiti & tried to turn it into a scare tactic tool to push people fearfully into the arms of the major cult in America, the Christian religions.

Satan obviously wasn't as savvy as these evangelicals who still have the ear of their cult, after all these years, while Motley Crue & Freddy Krueger are no longer being fed virgins at the altar of willing black magic fiends & disturbed teenagers.*

(edit, years later:

Man listen to me. Full on liberal apathy & cynicism disguised as trying to be clever.

I still slightly chuckle at the hysteria of the 80s Satanic Panic.

but to believe Islam isn't an obvious threat to the west is to be in denial or downright actually evil... no hysteria. but truth.

the type of person I was then would rather ignore the truth, & claim it was islamophobia delusion while looking at hipster blogs like dangerousmindsdotnet for the latestdug up piece of pop culture from a bygone era to be mocked

then getting my "news" from the Daily Show w/ it's highly cut & edited slant leaning the views towards an agenda while claiming bias everywhere else & only everwhere else...

I can't say I ever saw any metal heads hold a Satanic animal sacrifice orgy, but I have seen real life footage of hordes of muslims flooding Europe & the after effects in the news

hard evidence of rapes, terrorist bombings / shootings / stabbings / hackings / huge vehicle homicide of dozens / beheadings / literal fucking jihad...

not scaremongering, you blind hipster dope (me, several years ago) but all out war on the civilization that once provided your shits & giggles & safety shelter to enjoy them in w/out getting gutted for being an infidel)

1 star

=======================================================

People Are Talking w/ Tom Bergeron: James Randi Debunks Faith Healer (youtube) *Tom Bergeron sits looking at clips of extremely funny faith healings. One in particular where a fake had played the role of both a crippled man & a woman w/ bad ovaries. This could be America's Funniest Home videos, but sadly Randi points out that the placebo effect of these dramatically staged acts do harm when the believers don't seek real medical help from actual doctors instead of faith healers.* 3 stars

City Confidential: Rock Springs, Deadly Shootout in the Wild West *"Cowboy Caligula."* more than 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Past Tense *Amnesia love affairs, brainwashed agents of assassination, & chance collisions of the heavens. Plays like something noir that would be in Frank Miller's Sin City.* close to 3

Forever Knight: Cherry Blossoms *Vampire detective versus Chinese mafia seeking to slay a wounded witness. Wrongly accused vampire versus elderly Chinese acupuncturist seeking revenge against the vampire who slayed his mother 60 years before.*

between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Best Desk Scenario *Fumbling the ball near the endzone or too many cooks trying to read the anarchist's cookbook.* 2 1/2 stars

Look Around You: Computers *In Bournesmouth, one can bibble or bobble if they're beardless or bearded, but not if they're brandishing a petticoat (female).* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Hammer Into Anvil *Creates an unhinged melody.* 3 stars

Farscape: Bone To Be Wild *The old routine of one "submarine" silently hiding from another's radar. Deepspace Donner Party bone eater massacre. Johnny Appleseed "Frankenstein's Monster" look-a-like or Swamp Thing stranded on an asteroid. Our hero Crichton needs to be sensitive to "plant phobia." The spiritual blue alien lady Zan (Xan?) is actually a sentient plant. Captain Ahab under scrutiny. Babysitting a weaponized junior Leviathan (a Death Star in a diaper).* 3 stars

---- Night Visions w/ Henry Rollins:

The Passenger List: A little twilight zone twist & a lot of 9-11 era zeitgeist of airline tragedy grief.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Bokor: Bayou medical school morphine junkies, grotesque medical cadaver, & a voodoo curse.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rollins: Puts on a stale attempt at Rod Serling.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

------------------------------------

Uncharted Zone: Fifty Dollar Boots - Johnny Fire *50 dollar budget quality black & white video for a rockabilly crooner & his 50 dollar boot wearing chick guitar player.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Jennifer Tryin - Happier *Gen X drug store despair, Beavis taking diarrhea medicine & pooping a brick that he keeps in his sock drawer, & Butthead wanting to live in denial that he ever heard Beavis talk about it.* 3 stars w/ riffing close to 2 1/2 stars w/out

Justified: Season 1 Episode 6 *"There's more than smart" & there's more than art. Especially Adolf Hitler's shitty art. It's a nebulous or abstract concept.* close to 3 stars

True Detective: Haunted Houses *Still life. Nearer to silence (unholy ghosts) than God.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Trou Normand *Losing time opening doors, unearthing graves, & making monuments to the desecrated.* 3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Talking to the Dead & ESP *Party tricks & charades for suckers & the sad.* 3 stars

James Randi's Fiery Takedown of a Psychic Fraud *An admitted wizard takes a lethal overdose of homeopathic medicine to prove a cruel farce.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not! w/ Jack Palance: Episode 3 (1985) *Giant 1980s supercomputers are used to photoshop the Tibetan god-king out of Shangri La, like an impractical automotive 5th wheel or discarded apple peel (peeled by an Edison style mass industrial invention), & placed, by 2001 Hal's robo-cousin, out into the sun to purify like a baby orangutan or an eskimo mummy. Also pre-CitySlickers Curly's gold* 2 Fair

Fargo: Buridan's Ass *Breach in a white out or bludgeoned like fish out of water.* 3 stars

"XTRO" (1983) *A deeply disturbed British schoolboy's estranged daddy returns from his absentee fatherhood vacation on H.R. Geiger's homeworld after traumatizing the boy w/ his "Fire in the Sky" style abrupt bon voyage goodbye. Often tonally too whimsical to be taken seriously, while at other times being astonishingly creepy.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars or more

Tales from the Crypt: The Reluctant Vampire *Mr. Longtooth (Malcom McDowell) isn't a glamourous Dracula. He's a cowardly nightwatchman at a failing blood bank. Can he win the heart of his mousey love interest, at the blood bank, w/out biting her neck? Will he find the courage to stand up to his bully of a boss (Cheers' George Wendt) or will he fall prey to a weird looking Van Helsing?* Decent

"Saturday Night Dead" KYW-TV 3 Philadelphia (February 1, 1986) *"The maddening minx of movie-dom" Stella, a redheaded Rhonda Shear look-a-like glamour doll, traipses around her ghoulish horror set kiddingly admitting to bedding, on her monster talking bed, the Philadelphia Eagles football team. She is in dire need of a butler & wants him to be as hunky as Sylvester Stallone's Rambo. Looks like Philly had a pretty decent version of Elvira or Rhonda. Not bad.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Waxwork

*Drive-In Totals: 43 dead bodies.... 0 nekkid breasts (sorry).. 1 Live severed hand.. .African Voodoo Face Painting.. French S & M.. Fang Sprouting.. Bat Shooting.. Raw Meat Gobbling.. Sword Fighting.. Strangling.. Stabbing.. Head Butting.. Ax to the Back... Death by Fire.. Gratuitous Dialogue w/ Loud Music.. Werewolf Fu.. Vampire Fu.. Mummy Fu.. Zombie Fu.. Senior Citizen Fu..

*Joe Bob says this isn't a haunted house movie, it's a "nasty" house movie, like his grandma would always say, "That's nasty!"

*Burt Reynolds for Liz Taylor perfume (Ladies, don't wear anything that gives Burt a smell boner).

*Songs 4 Life Christian mix CD (90s, the era that bland white people safe religious music w/out any gospel soul or passion reared its dorky head).

*CNN has Bill Clinton's sworn testimony in the shadow of impeachment (ah, the Lewinsky era, we survived that.).

*Rent Matthew MuhConUhHey! & Skeet Ulrich, tonight! (not male escorts. a shitty VhS tape of the movie "Newton Boys").

*Pure Reggae mix cd 1-800 ad (A island jam collection featuring the theme to Cops "Bad Boys" plus Apache Indian's "Boom Shakalak"... pass the herb & turn it up, mon!).

*Joe Bob's Jailbreak w/ Reno the Mail Girl: Talk of Joe Bob's jealousy because Reno might have dated / made love to a midget instead of Joe Bob & also Reno gets a love poem from a jailbird in a Mojave prison unit in Arizona.*

*Carpenters Love Songs mix cd ad. Being a kid in the 80s & 90s, & not an adult in the 70s, I only had vague knowledge of who Karen Carpenter was & that she had died tragically young. Anytime, I would see these ads w/ their hazy cloud aesthetics along w/ faded quality videos of Karen singing her mostly melancholy songs, I would get the creeps.*

*Waxwork: Remember 2011's "Cabin in the Woods"?... Well, Joss Whedon's "genius" turning of a monster/slasher movie conventions on its head script wasn't that original. In the 80s, somebody else did it first. This monster mayhem flick, featuring almost every creature & horror character known, is set in a wax museum instead of a cabin in the woods. Starring the teenage boys from Gremlins & Twin Peaks plus Return of the Living Dead 2 along with their 80s valley girl girlfriends. The main villain is legendary not so good movie & tv show actor David Warner (the movies/shows not being so good. Warner is always great).*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for Waxwork, more than 2 1/2 for Joe Bob, & close to 2 for the ads

----------------------------------------------------

TNT 100% Weird: The Twonky *"Whenever I think of women, I think of French fried potatoes." A very nervous man's wife leaves town, gifting him his first television set to keep him company. This is when tv's were brand new & confusing to man. It didn't help that this particular tv was unlike any other in that it could work the magic of a genie or a futuristic robot.* close to 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Dungeon of Death *"Badgers, we don't need no stinkin' badgers." What we got is a ragtag rescue squad of a Renaissance fair Clint Eastwood type, a carnival strong man, a high wire walking hottie, & one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Trouble is there's a mole.* close to 3 stars

--- Sci Fi Channel (1993) Feature Film: The Clone Master

*A pair of alien hands find a time capsule buried in the sand. The date says 1993. Inside is a bottle of head & shoulders. Our great legacy, dandruff shampoo...

*95 cents a minute hotline to find out what's coming up on the Sci Fi channel's schedule? Wow, wouldn't a 99 cent, one time purchase, TV Guide not suffice? That's phone sex level of horny to know when the next episode of the original Star Trek is airing.

*Sci Fi had great station bumpers. I'll try to describe this one... it has a picturesque set lakehouse w/ the phone off the receiver "hello, are you there?" & geese flying against a newly alien earth skyline featuring a ring planet between earth & the moon.

*Extremely nerdy voice over "Emmy Award winning Battlestar Galactica, weeknights."

*Beatles Live 1964 in London for the first time on VHS or BETA

*Curly haired cute model "All those holes. All that protection." Science strikes again. Always Maxi Pads w/ new technology. New as in holes. I have a hole in my soul from all the sanitary napkin girly confessional commercials that I've had to endure all my life.

*A generic couple enjoy a generic romantic evening over generic pasta & generic white wine while listening to "Easy 70's" a generic mix cd of 70s soft rock like Crystal Gale & Kenny Loggins among others. He leaves w/out sex. Because this type of music makes one sterile.

*Vintage ad for Craftmatic adjustable beds. The old couple is giddy to talk to their over the phone Craftmatic salesperson. I'm giddy too for my memories of these ads. though the actual beds were usually in the homes of some sick acquaintance of my parents&grandparents

*"Never miss another favorite program." VCR Voice, the voice operated vcr remote control. Pssss... VCR Voice... record Skinemax & those early morning workout shows w/ the ladies in spandex....

*Smokey the Bear is talked about by a kid who makes him seem almost mythical. Maybe in 3,000 years, when our culture is long forgotten & misunderstood, they'll find something about Smokey the Bear & wonder what the fuck was up w/ us having a cartoon bear to warn humans about forest fire safety & natural resource preservation responsibility.

*"Can dinosaur cloning really happen? The truth behind the fiction." A Sci Fi special on Jurassic Park. It can & did, but tune in to Alex Jones InFoWars or Jesse Ventura's new show on Glen Beck's Blaze channel to find out.

*"Dark Shadows" weekdays on Sci Fi. Now, that's a weekday soap opera that I would sink my teeth in to. Someone get me my Bon Bons & my Moo Moo...

*1 800 ad for Sci Fi Classic home video's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

*Back on earth, Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons on every music listening format known to man. That's as advanced as we are....

*Speaking of identical twins & cloning... Elvis, in his 68 Comeback Special, decked out in his black leather spacesuit... Get a collector's copy. Copy... wink wink. Elvis, often imitated, never duplicated except in utero or however it go...

*Classic kitchen knife displays of incredible feats by the World Class Ginsu knife. Showoff All the other dull culinary utensils got Ginsu off & murdered him & buried his stainless steel body under the goal post in Food Network's Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium.

*Walter Koenig for a huge collection of Star Trek (Original & Next Generation) themes,sound fx, & a 6 minute bridge sequence. Sound fx, okay... maybe... a 6 minute bridge sequence... alright, I can sort of see that... still, it's nerdom bordering insanity.

*K-Tel Conway Twitty videos. Not the right station. Not as much as Sci Fi isn't a rhinestone sequened audience as it's not an audience where they can relate to a hillbilly heart-throb's songs about sleeping w/ a horde of women. Live long & amorously prosperous.

*"The majesty & might of Marvel leaps off of the page & onto the screen" shows clips of 70s Hulk tv show & one of the 70s Spider Man tv movies. Modern Marvel fanboys would scoff at the words majesty & might being used for these classics. "They don't even have after credits sequences or universe building." They do have Stan Lee hosting the Mighty Marvel Marathon on Sci Fi 1993. Sixteen years before Iron Man....

*Clone Master: It's a good clone movie when the existential grief of being a clone does not fully get in the way of the clone capers, clone antics, & clone based comedy. Also, Cold War era conpirators could get away w/ a lot thanks to government secrecy not allowing anyone to share information to know what the hell was going on in different sections of all their hush hush top secret work like cloning.*

3 stars for Sci Fi's bumpers, close to 3 for the ads, & 2 1/2 stars for Clone Master

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Mystery Science Theater 3000: The She Creature *Kooky age regression hypnotism to spook squares & Eve-era mer-monster to slaughter them.* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Talking to the Animals *non-confrontational dialogue w/ bed wetting cat.* more than 2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Woodchipper Massacre *No Fargo woodchipper action. No massacre. More terrible like Poland invaded by Hitler, only w/out any of that massacre. Just the terrible.* 2 1/2 for Snob

Conan O'Brien - In the Year 2000: Taco Bell 2000 *A "chilling" glimpse into the prophecy of Charmin toilet paper's involvement w/ the bowel dooming food chain.* 3 stars

A & E presents An Evening at the Improv: Norm MacDonald (1991) *Homeless dog owners & backseat blues.* close to 3 stars

HBO Not Necessarily the News: The Spork Episode (1983) *Mr. T. imporium. Panda pest control. Des Moines pudding disaster. Light beer for fat drunks. Rich Hall's weekly sniglet words: scrit is anything that has sat in the same spot for 50 years... yinkel is anybody that combs their hair over their bald spot thinking that nobody will notice... spork the combination spoon fork device (did he invent that term? wow, cool, if so)... furbling is the act of walking through a maze of ropes at the airport or bank even though you're the only one in line (haaa)... porkus non grata is the squashed piece of bacon at the bottom of the package.. lactomangulation is having to open a milkcarton from the opposite side because of one side's malfunction.. carperpetuation is the act of running over a piece of string w/ a vacuum 4 or 5 times before picking it up & inspecting it & then putting it back down for one last attempt.*

decent though dated

"Best of the Worst Star Search Auditions" (youtube) *"Let me do my thang to ya!" You'd never see a bearded lady singing Patsy Cline on America's Got Talent.* 3 stars

Insomniac w/ Dave Attell: San Francisco *If you come to this frontier town, eventually you're gonna ask yourself "am I a fog rider, a pickle pilot, or a proud baby mudfoot?"* 3 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Cranial Deformity Dance Dad: I'm tired of spaghetti. But you always like sketti.* 3 stars

*Clinton Torture: Bill's bubbles is just tryna give you kisses.* 2 1/2 stars

*I'm On The T.V.: Been waitin' for you to turn me on.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*Rap 4 Ca$h: A school teacher, of 25 years, will do anything for a raise.* 1 star

*Island Of Original Ideas Mirror Effect: an idiot's idea of an interesting illusion.* folly

======================================================

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Creationism & The Bible, Fact or Fiction *Pissing on one's own feet while the ground crumbles beneath forming a crater of disbelief. Leaving one in critical need & clinging to the causal or a creed.* Folly?

James Randi Debunks An Astrologer *"Everybody believes that they have a sense of humor." - Stephen Fry who doesn't believe that the astrologer accurately judged his friend Hugh Laurie.* close to decent

Forbidden Transmission: World Bizarre *freewheeling babel.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Weird TV: Burning Man - Early Years *Survival issues, sexuality, porta potty use, & potato gun fun.*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Dawn of the Mummy" *Classic Universal horror theme grave robbed by Euro-sleaze exploitation schlock vandals.* 2 1/2 stars

PBS presents American Experience: The Lobotomist *"Ambition makes you look pretty ugly." -Paranoid Android- A look at the doctor who tried to turn a grotesque medical procedure into a McDonald's style franchise value menu item forthe severe to the even the slightly mentally ill.* either zero or 3 stars

Alien Sex Fiend - "Now, I'm Feeling Zombiefied" *Face is caked white, you see a dead rat & you take a bite...* 2 1/2 stars

"You Spin Me Round" (Literal video version) *Freaky pirate all tied up (in himself).* close to 3 for the literal 3 for the actual

Uncharted Zone: "Hurry, There's A Hurricane" - Ken Manning *Hold on to your hats & to each other.* close to 3 stars

--- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard: Lunatics on the Loose:

*Sandra wants to go to third base w/ Antonio Banderas, her Aztec fantasy...

*Curse of the Aztec Mummy: Beehive hairdo damsels in distress, rubber bat attack, crotch crawling spider, & hideous ghoul doing the rigor-mortis-arms trance step dance*

*Sandra promises a movie with bad dubbing, coming up, "So don't go away." For the bad dubbing, I'll definitely stay.

*America's Most Wanted & Top Cops on USA network. A one two punch of justice & dullness.

*A soccer ball toting toddler wakes his middle aged dad up & his dad needs a small pouch sized doze of Folgers coffee. I bet this man can't even take a morning shit in peace.

*A disembodied red lipsticked mouth for Rembrandt whitening toothpaste. "2 shades whiter" promised. All the varying shades of teeth color from white to off white to yellow to grey to diseased orangish brown to black... Amusing memory of Mitch Hedberg's tartar sauce joke

*The Psychic Solution w/ a very self aware ad where they parody "bad psychic" hotline call centers complete w/ dart board for predictions & vanity mirror distractions during calls.

*Sandra now promises stock Civil War footage w/ clips from a nudist colony. Robert E. Lee is rolling over in his grave in his slave mistress's underwear that he demanded to be buried in.

*The Monster of Camp Sunshine: Thank that "scientist in the sky" for water pollution & sexual deviancy.*

*Quirky-reggae-whitebread-feelin' Long John Silver fast food joint on the beach commercial where there are tropical birds inside the establishment (sure the health inspector likes that notion) & couples relax in the waves drinking supersized sodas in foam cups (I bet those don't get put in the proper trash bin & instead float about the waves onto the beach)

*Crocodile Dundee vs. Ogre of Revenge of the Nerds & Bloodsport in a station wagon chase....

*Kenny Kingston "legendary psychic" & sleazy old school Hollywood showman look-a-like w/ love advice for lonely yuppies who go through everyday being horny & instead of acting on it & taking chances they wait for over the phone voodoo advice...

*Dweezil Zappa is Sandra's guest: Not sure if it's his rainbow colored girly liquor drink talking but Dweezil let it slip that he might believe that Aztec civlization dates back at least a million years....

*Sandra wants t.v. trying to scare people instead of always endearing itself to them.

*Bloody Pit of Horror: More tortured by the swingers he performs medieval cruelty upon, the Crimson Executioner gets caught up in his own scarlet devices.*

*A crystal ball gazing clairvoyant, w/ pink hair, predicts that Snoop Doggy Dog, Bush, & Dennis Miller will be at the 1996 MTV Video Awards. Pumpkins will also be smashed.

*USA capitalizes on the Unabomber headlines w/ their own original movie version...

*Sandra would have no sympathy for a girlfriend caught in a devious bondage trap...

*Oath of Green Blood: Audience participation required in taking a vial of verdant liquid that might make one vile or vivacious.

*Star Trek's original resident black boundaries breaker is sadly selling her soul as a spokesperson for a psychic hotline. This one even makes the claim that's often been used as a joke against psychics "Lottery winner predicted." Yep, "it happened."

*Coming attractions: Scream of the Demon Lover... Giant from the Unknown (awakened after hundreds of years & wearing conquistador armor. so, it's the Spanish to blame)... The Crawling Thing from Planet 13 promises to attack audience members (nice gimmick ploy)...

3 for Sandra, 3 for the shorts, & close to 2 for the ads

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"Sting of Death" -1965- *The Hunchback of the Everglades suffers a squelching at the hands of Florida Gator co-ed swingers & marine scientists. He goes all man-o-war on their jiggly jellyfish jive asses.* 2 stars

Baywatch Nights: Pursuit *Stinks of 90s sleaze/cheese. Says "Nights" but can't help in filming over half the show on the pretty beaches during the day. Featuring a couple of my boyhood tv crushes, Carol Alt & Angie Harmon.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Varga - "Greed" *Beavis has the great idea that someone should invent something to watch music videos on (a television). Butthead's great idea is Beavis should shut up.* 3 w/riffing 2 1/2 w/out

Troma presents "Blondes Have More Guns" *Basic Instinct parodies haven't aged well, but Troma satire silliness is timeless.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: The Business of Love, Yoga, Tantric Sex, Etc. & Sex, Sex, Sex *Follow made up rules, follow hokey signs, follow shady email-spam links, & fuck if any of it happens to work.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Video Dating: Looking for a goddess. A goddess is a woman, any woman, all women. No fatties!* 3 stars

*Sexual Harassment Comedy: Don't say anything, ever, because you're an obvious dickhead.* 1 star or close to 3

*Courtship vs. Dating: Don't get hung up on sweaty beefcakes. Acquire the fire to be a hard to get Christian cock-tease.* 2 1/2 stars

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David Hasselhoff - "Hooked On A Feeling" (Literal Video Version) *Hoff w/ "wiener" out & high on believing. "Please throw a fish at me!"* more than decent w/riffing or close to decent w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Sex In Advertising & Penis Extension *What turns you on? Please tell Santa so that we can market correctly.*

2 1/2 stars

Occult Demon Cassette presents "How To Be Cool At Parties" w/ Malcom Jamal Warner (1986) *Anybody can act like a jackass.* 2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's Playhouse - Adult Humor & Innuendo (youtube) *Being a Spring chicken, I wasn't spry enough to see just how subliminal Saturday mornings really were.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People *Smuckers presents movies

A) Redneck poachers run into 'The Thing From Another World' B) Lil' Opie & his new pet Alf... or C) Ace of Base's tragic vacation in the Catskill Mtns. Joel says "It stinks! *okay hand gesture*"*

3 stars w/riffing between 1 1/2 & 2 w/out

Herman's Head (Pilot Episode) *Clever premise pulled off effectively. Made even better by the voice of Lisa Simpson & another Simpsons' legend Hank Azaria's charm.* close to 3 stars

Comics Only: Employee of the Week - Hank Gallo (1990) *Talent scout who searches the gay leather bar scene.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Rachel Sweet - The Sweet Life (The Comedy Channel circa the early 1990s):

*Lou Diamond Phillips makes fun of greasy haired Johnny Depp

*Jon Stewart impersonates a pretentious French director

*Rachel Sweet is a quirky raven-haired petite cutey poking fun at the Cosmo magazine's version of a girly girl

*Naked centerfold spread of David Hasselhoff is mocked by Rachel...

*Classic "Cow Cow Boogie" film short, that I just saw on Night Flight, is sang along to karaoke style by Rachel... she's definitely sweet

*Quotes: An unexamined life is not worth living - Plato... Time eases all things -Sophocles Get over it - Rachel Sweet... (cute)

more than 2 stars

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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