#y’all need to stop taking social media so goddamn seriously

[andersonpress]

#DEEPTHOTS: Y'all Play Too Fuckin' Much

Oct 2nd, 2022

When Remy Ma proclaimed “ARE YOU DUMB,” the Universe released the final draft of my life’s purpose. The seed of another loud mouth clap back laden Aries Black gay woman was planted and my beautiful ass popped the FAWK out. My first words in first grade were,“Do y’all think this shit is a mufuckin’ game?” I was born tired of people and our shit. The lack of self awareness; our inability to think about anyone other than themselves; and our proclivity to having our priorities all the way fucked up.

I scroll my timelines and combine that with having my conversations with all the people in my silly little life and I constantly think: “Are you only thinking about yourself?” Now I know what you’re going to say: trauma. And yeah girl, I was literally raised to be a Mamie/slave to men and White people I probably need to reasses my need to feel liked. But we need to get it together.

I’m at that sweet age of 25 where you start to see where your friends choose what they will prioritize in their life. Some people go the homophobic and transphobic route. Some people take the extreme religious route. Some people start to couple up or remain single. You keep some friends and you also make more. You are probably also reassessing your boundaries, habits, and morals. You know - the things that you fucking believe in. I was spoiled in 2020 with the resurgence of criticism of police reform becoming a priority of Black Americans and everyone who claimed to prioritize Black Americans. I was in awe at protests across the planet in solidarity with Black Americans that were being used to criticize the police state. Like go off. There was this trend going around on social media to post a Black square to show social media solidarity with Black Americans. And people started telling on themselves. It reeked of performance that year. I remember White people handing me $20 at protests, Blackfishing influencers, and scammer/abuser lead organizers. All in the midst of a goddamn pandemic wiping out millions of people (and counting) in record amounts of time. But I really remember the way that people around me reacted to these things. It was when I saw one of my old dealers in college who I used to boof wax with leading Youth camp that I knew that I need to stop playin’ witchall. Y’all really playing in my face? ANd I’m crazy…so my threshold between choosing my battles and airing the whole bitch out is getting thinner as my meatsuit continues to rot. People still disregarding people’s health, their past experiences, their wants for the future…influence how they then treat said person.

Y’all play too fuckin’ much.

I’m so tired of racist white people cosplaying as allies until their feelings are hurt. I am so tired of people of color playing oppression olympics with me chile. I’m tired of people arguing about concepts that were fucking made up. And I’m tired of people thinking that their identities can shield them from accountability. Like y’all play too fucking much with that. You really think you are above critique? Why!? Feelings are valid and actions have consequences. I think I’m also shocked that folks don’t take themselves as seriously as I take myself…very. I’m very methodical with my life. I love calendars and advisors and meetings and planning and organizing. Now I know what you’re going to say: trauma. But who has the privilege of taking a mental health day? Vacation? A BREAK? And why isn’t it me?

Sometimes I wish I was as dumb of a bitch as some of y’all so I could just hear my two thoughts bouncing off of the walls of my brain cavity instead of my inner voice telling me to off myself because I didn’t remember to buy mini trashcan liners. But alas, we rise. My therapy sessions have really been going to WORK. I used to respond terribly to other people’s decisions but I have learned to find joy in knowing I can do whatever the fuck I please too. I’ve finally reached Year 4 of this PhD program and wasting time is no longer an option. That’s all the coursework is anyway. Busy work. Cyclical conversations. Waste of time. So my tolerance for waiting is getting thinner and thinner. It helps because everyone knows now: play with ya pussy hoe not me. I’ve done enough time wastin’... I’ve heard everyone out. Call me Tiny cause I’ll never be the bigger person. I am turning less cheeks baby - you gon have to kiss my ass instead. Some of our community is stuck in cycles. We've reached limits or we need to set new boundaries. Some get blocked and become stories to laugh or cry about. Some of you dummies are going in my memoir. The fuckery deserves to be read about. And like Seyn said, “And it won’t stop.”

Cause y’all are jesters in this big top. You gotta keep being goofy cause the world needs goofy bitches. And I am happy so many can fill that role. But y’all play too much for me, so I’ll just be watching the shenanigans.

When Remy Ma proclaimed “ARE YOU DUMB,” the Universe released the final draft of my life’s purpose. The seed of another loud mouth clap back laden Aries Black gay woman was planted and my beautiful ass popped the FAWK out. My first words in first grade were,“Do y’all think this shit is a mufuckin’ game?” I was born tired of people and our shit. The lack of self awareness; our inability to think about anyone other than themselves; and our proclivity to having our priorities all the way fucked up.

I scroll my timelines and combine that with having my conversations with all the people in my silly little life and I constantly think: “Are you only thinking about yourself?” Now I know what you’re going to say: trauma. And yeah girl, I was literally raised to be a Mamie/slave to men and White people I probably need to reasses my need to feel liked. But we need to get it together.

I’m at that sweet age of 25 where you start to see where your friends choose what they will prioritize in their life. Some people go the homophobic and transphobic route. Some people take the extreme religious route. Some people start to couple up or remain single. You keep some friends and you also make more. You are probably also reassessing your boundaries, habits, and morals. You know - the things that you fucking believe in. I was spoiled in 2020 with the resurgence of criticism of police reform becoming a priority of Black Americans and everyone who claimed to prioritize Black Americans. I was in awe at protests across the planet in solidarity with Black Americans that were being used to criticize the police state. Like go off. There was this trend going around on social media to post a Black square to show social media solidarity with Black Americans. And people started telling on themselves. It reeked of performance that year. I remember White people handing me $20 at protests, Blackfishing influencers, and scammer/abuser lead organizers. All in the midst of a goddamn pandemic wiping out millions of people (and counting) in record amounts of time. But I really remember the way that people around me reacted to these things. It was when I saw one of my old dealers in college who I used to boof wax with leading Youth camp that I knew that I need to stop playin’ witchall. Y’all really playing in my face? ANd I’m crazy…so my threshold between choosing my battles and airing the whole bitch out is getting thinner as my meatsuit continues to rot. People still disregarding people’s health, their past experiences, their wants for the future…influence how they then treat said person.

Y’all play too fuckin’ much.

I’m so tired of racist white people cosplaying as allies until their feelings are hurt. I am so tired of people of color playing oppression olympics with me chile. I’m tired of people arguing about concepts that were fucking made up. And I’m tired of people thinking that their identities can shield them from accountability. Like y’all play too fucking much with that. You really think you are above critique? Why!? Feelings are valid and actions have consequences. I think I’m also shocked that folks don’t take themselves as seriously as I take myself…very. I’m very methodical with my life. I love calendars and advisors and meetings and planning and organizing. Now I know what you’re going to say: trauma. But who has the privilege of taking a mental health day? Vacation? A BREAK? And why isn’t it me?

Sometimes I wish I was as dumb of a bitch as some of y’all so I could just hear my two thoughts bouncing off of the walls of my brain cavity instead of my inner voice telling me to off myself because I didn’t remember to buy mini trashcan liners. But alas, we rise. My therapy sessions have really been going to WORK. I used to respond terribly to other people’s decisions but I have learned to find joy in knowing I can do whatever the fuck I please too. I’ve finally reached Year 4 of this PhD program and wasting time is no longer an option. That’s all the coursework is anyway. Busy work. Cyclical conversations. Waste of time. So my tolerance for waiting is getting thinner and thinner. It helps because everyone knows now: play with ya pussy hoe not me. I’ve done enough time wastin’... I’ve heard everyone out. Call me Tiny cause I’ll never be the bigger person. I am turning less cheeks baby - you gon have to kiss my ass instead. Some of our community is stuck in cycles. We've reached limits or we need to set new boundaries. Some get blocked and become stories to laugh or cry about. Some of you dummies are going in my memoir. The fuckery deserves to be read about. And like Seyn said, “And it won’t stop.”

Cause y’all are jesters in this big top. You gotta keep being goofy cause the world needs goofy bitches. And I am happy so many can fill that role. But y’all play too much for me, so I’ll just be watching the shenanigans.

[fortunesfated]

hey here’s a hot take but if you don’t like it genuinely can’t stand the people you’re in a fan space for, maybe reconsider!

[artificialqueens]

Blue Neighborhood Series: TALK ME DOWN (Group) - Mac

AN: A million thanks to Meggie who I would simply die without. Thanks to her for beta-ing and being a star. Thanks to the people that always leave comments, it really warms my heart! Seriously. So thank you!

This chapter is a LOT longer than the others, but I hope you like it anyway. Much love!

Summary: Heidi’s boyfriend cheats on her and the neighborhood comes together to get revenge.

This was not the way Heidi envisioned this afternoon going.

She had expected to be sitting in her regular spot in the overcrowded bleachers cheering and screaming like a crazy woman. She would be wearing his jersey, his number and last name printed neatly on her back, declaring to everyone that she had worth. She was dating a guy on the football team, goddamn it. She mattered.

She hadn’t expected to be sobbing on her floor with a bottle of expired rosé and eleven girls looking at her with concern.

Crystal had called them, Heidi was sure of it. She was the only one Heidi had told originally, after Widow and Dahlia of course. She hadn’t really meant to tell them, but they had overheard the fight that started it all.

Heidi had been minding her business. Making her way down to the art room, rather than her calculus class, as was her routine at this point because fuck math. Nothing Heidi wanted or would do in the future had anything to do with math. She had made that promise to herself a long time ago. Right after she had sworn that the first thing she would do in college would be to buy a jar of peanut butter and eat the entire container for breakfast.

That was beside the point. Heidi didn’t need math, and she definitely didn’t need calculus; she still wasn’t entirely convinced that anyone needed calculus. For all she knew it could be a damn government conspiracy. It sure sounded like it.

As she was wandering toward the art room, trying to reason out if calculus was indeed a scam created by the government, her attention was pulled by the sound of a familiar voice.

She thought she had imagined it at first because there was no sign of anyone else in the hallway, but a moment later she heard the voice again. It seemed to be coming from the janitor’s closet. She heard a decidedly female giggle a few moments later, and her curiosity got the better of her. Heidi was nosey, she admitted that openly, and she inched closer to the door, straining her ear for the voices.

She pressed her ear to the door after another loud chuckle could be heard through the strong wood. It was a boy and a girl, that much was clear, and if Heidi knew her peers, she knew what was about to go down.

As she pulled her ear away, something in the male’s voice caught her attention. There was that familiar upward lilt, and she could practically hear the smile in his words.

Heidi’s body made the connection before her mind did, because she had the sudden feeling she was going to be sick.

She threw the janitor’s closet door open to reveal her boyfriend of three months with a random girl in his lap.

Heidi didn’t give them a second to breathe before she started yelling. And she didn’t remember when or where they came from, but before Heidi could blink, Widow and Dahlia were on either side of her yelling at him too.

Jacob gave lame excuses and begged her to stay, but Heidi ignored his impassioned pleas and went to storm off. Instead, she found her face wet with tears and two strong bodies leading her down the hall.

Widow made sure the coast was clear before pulling Heidi into the bathroom. Dahlia started talking calmly to her, trying to get her to stop crying, while Widow dabbed at Heidi’s eyes with paper towels.

It only occurred to Heidi that she hadn’t properly spoken to either girl in nearly four years of high school.

She held up a hand to stop Widow, words coming out between sniffles. “Why y’all being so nice?”

Widow smiled lightly, knowingly, and shrugged. “We’ve all been there, sis.”

“Men fucking suck,” Dahlia chimed in.

Widow rolled her eyes. “Just cause you in love with someone else’s boyfriend doesn’t mean all men suck.”

“I didn’t mean Joe, you bitch.” Dahlia elbowed her friend in the side. “And I’m not in love with him.”

“Mhmm, sure you ain’t.” Widow shot a look at Heidi as if to say she totally is.

It made Heidi laugh. Louder than she meant to, sooner than she thought she would. Widow and Dahlia just smiled encouragingly at her and went back to helping her clean up and calm down.

Dahlia ran to her locker to grab her makeup bag and the three girls spent half an hour touching up their makeup, or in Heidi’s case, redoing it.

As the bell for lunch rang, Dahlia and Widow both gave hugs to Heidi and walked her over to the art room. Jackie and Crystal were talking quietly and abruptly stopped when the three girls entered.

Dahlia murmured something to Widow about needing to go and the two gave one last reassuring look to Heidi, as well as their phone numbers before leaving.

Crystal was all over her in seconds. “What happened? Are you okay? What’s going on? Have you been crying?”

Heidi just shook her head and said something about Jacob being an asshole and them breaking up. She didn’t want to get into the whole thing, embarrassed enough as it was. Jackie nodded her head sympathetically, but Crystal looked at her hard like she could tell there was more to the story.

Nicky entered a few moments later and the looks of concern and warning stopped her in her tracks.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Boy troubles,” Jackie answered simply.

Nicky walked over to Heidi and gave her a quick hug, before pulling back and addressing Jackie and Crystal. “Who do I need to kill?”

“Yeah, where did you say he lived again?” Jackie asked.

Crystal chimed in. “Drop the pin, girl, we just wanna talk.”

Heidi chuckled lightly and brushed off their concerns with a wave of her hand. “It’s fine. He’ll get what’s coming to him.”

“If I have anything to say about it, you’re damn right he will,” Nicky said, concerningly serious.

Heidi had no intention of telling anyone what really happened, but Crystal followed her after lunch and cornered her at her locker under the guise of making sure she was okay. Heidi told her the whole sordid story and how she had been suspicious for a little while but hadn’t wanted to say anything.

Crystal hugged her close and with a familiar sadness in her eyes, she assured Heidi that everything would be okay.

So now here Heidi was, with the entire neighborhood staring at her, unsure of what the next move was. If Heidi could stop crying enough to see, she would see the variety of people that had come to show their support. It was a verifiable breakfast club moment, with each school archetype represented in some capacity.

It was weird as all hell and the tension in the room only ratched up a notch when Crystal cleared her throat. “Okay so, umm, how about everybody sits down and we can talk about the plan.”

The group of girls lingered for a moment, before shuffling to find a place in Heidi’s small bedroom to sit or lay or stand.

“There’s a plan?” Widow asked, settling down on the bed next to Heidi and Jackie.

Crystal nodded firmly. “Yes, there’s a plan.”

“That’s news to me.” Widow turned to look down at Jan, who sat on the floor. She just shrugged. “Did you know there was a plan?”

“What kind of plan?” Gigi piped up.

“Is it illegal?” Rock asked nervously.

“Wait hold up what?” Jaida exclaimed. “Who said anything about illegal? I thought we were just havin’ a girl’s night.”

“Okay, everyone shut up!” Crystal called out over the many voices. The group of girls quieted down, and Crystal gave them a small grin before she turned to Nicky. “Can you bring that whiteboard over here?” She motioned to the portable whiteboard she had brought from home.

“She brought a whiteboard?” Jackie whispered to Aiden who rolled her eyes.

The girls gathered around, scooting forward to see Crystal in all her glory.

“Okay, so, thank you all for coming.” Crystal smiled politely at the group. She turned to the whiteboard and winced when the marker screeched out as she wrote. “Welcome to operation Jac-ass. I—”

“Wait when did we decide on that name?” Jan called out.

Brita seconded her. “Was there a vote? Did we miss the vote?”

“Why can’t we just call it Operation Revenge?” Jackie asked.

Jan shook her head. “That’s so boring.”

“Guys! Pay attention!” Crystal reprimanded. She took a deep breath in and out before continuing.“As you all know, that dipshit Jacob hurt our dear friend Heidi. He’s a cheating scumbag and he needs to pay.”

“I love a good revenge killing,” Nicky spoke quietly.

Jaida’s jaw dropped in shock. “Hold up, who said anything about killing?”

“Wait, you want us to murder him?” Rock asked incredulously.

“No! Guys! Pay attention!” Crystal sighed. “We’re going to pull some good old fashioned pranks on him. We’ll split up into smaller groups to cover more ground. Quite a few pranks I planned take place in his house so we need someone to distract him at the football game.”

Everyone turned to look at Dahlia.

“Oh, so I’m the bait?” Dahlia raised an eyebrow at the other girl’s looks. After a moment she shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

Crystal smiled appreciatively, but Dahlia ignored her and started picking at her nail beds.

“So, we need a group to deface Jacob’s jersey in the school gym, a group to vandalize his car, a group to steal all but two remotes in his house, and a group to stay back with Heidi and work on destroying his character on social media.” Crystal smiled wickedly. “Then we’re all gonna egg his house.”

A few of the girls looked at Crystal in surprise, and while a few of them cheered, Jaida just looked around at them with concern.

“Hold up, you guys are just totally fine with this? Half of this shit is illegal.”

“It’s not that illegal,” Aiden defended.

“She fucking wrote ‘vandalize his car’ on the whiteboard,” Jaida argued.

“I think it serves him right,” Jan chimed in. “I’ll do the jersey one.”

Jaida rolled her eyes. “I guess that’s the least problematic one.”

Crystal nodded. “Okay, then Jan and Jaida you guys can go deface his jersey in the gym—”

“Wait, why only two of them?” Gigi interrupted.

For the first time that night, Crystal looked at Gigi. The tension in the room seemed to skyrocket the longer the two girls looked at each other.

“You can join them if you really want,” Crystal said, voice devoid of emotion.

Gigi nodded.

Crystal looked away and Heidi could tell she was mentally trying to regroup. “Ummm, Winona, you and Brita—”

“I’m good at the petty blocking and social media stuff,” Widow cut her off.

“Okay,” Crystal looked back at the group of girls, her groupings having been thrown off. “Brita, Jackie, and… Aiden, I guess, you guys can do the inside jobs.”

The three girls looked at each other strangely but nodded.

“Then that leaves Nicky and me to vandalize his car,” Crystal said, looking up at the group.

The nervous energy seemed to spike in the small bedroom as the silence took over. Each girl acutely aware that the present company was unusual for her, and yet none of them were as uncomfortable as they should be, all things considered.

“Alright team, let’s move.”

…

Jackie smiled hesitantly at her group.

It was strange.

Jackie only ever really hung out with one friend group at a time, so having them merge like this was… strange.

She and Aiden had a completely different relationship dynamic than she and Brita. Neither was more or less intense than the other, they were just different.

That was made evident when both Brita and Aiden tried to sit in her passenger seat.

They awkwardly offered it to each other for ten minutes until Aiden sat in the back.

Jackie waved to Nicky and Crystal as they passed before getting in and starting her own car. Heidi had told her where the spare key was and that was it. Jacob’s parents were out of town and Jackie, Brita, and Aiden were supposed to go into his house and steal some television remotes and get out.

The plan was for everyone to do their own separate tasks and meet back up at Jacob’s house to egg it. To do that, they needed eggs. Since Jackie’s group was already going to be at the house, they had the most time to run to the store. So as Jackie’s car hummed to life, she mentally mapped out the path to the nearest grocery store and waited for the other groups to head out.

Halfway into their journey, Aiden mentioned that they ought to do more.

“Listen, I’m just saying. He’s a shit head. He deserves a lot worse than a few missing remotes.”

“Well, what do you suggest?” Jackie asked.

Aiden shrugged. “Nair in his shampoo.”

“Jesus, Aiden,” Jackie exhaled harshly. “That’s insane.”

“No, I agree,” Brita chimed in.

“Brita!”

The cheerleader just shrugged. “Go big or go home, right?”

Jackie shook her head fiercely. “That could do like, permanent damage.”

“Oh, c’mon, it’ll just make his scalp itchy for a while, it won’t burn him irrevocably,” Aiden said.

“No! We aren’t doing that.”

Despite her protests, ten minutes later, Jackie found herself in the beauty aisle holding a carton of eggs in one hand and a bottle of Nair in the other. Aiden and Brita had disappeared in the store, fueling each other’s weirdly specific revenge fantasies.

The three girls met back up at the checkout line. Aiden and Brita each had three cartons of eggs, additionally, Aiden had a bag of Jolly Ranchers and a box of instant mashed potatoes.

Jackie didn’t ask.

The house was silent and dark when they approached. It looked normal. Completely and utterly boring and normal. Not like the scum of the earth lived there.

Jackie cut into the other two girls chatting animatedly in the backseat to point out that they did in fact have something to do and weren’t on a joyride. Brita’s cheeks heated up after the admonishment, but Aiden only rolled her eyes.

The three girls piled out of the car and walked up to the front door cautiously. Jackie worried her lip between her teeth as she lifted up the potted plant to find the spare key.

The house was empty, just as Heidi promised. It felt eerie with all the lights out, but Jackie pushed forward, scoping out the living room. Aiden and Brita followed in after her, whispering back and forth. Jackie heard something about shorting out the electricity and she stopped, whipping around to confront her teammates.

“Okay, so what the hell are you guys doing?”

Brita looked at Aiden for confirmation in the form of a nod. As soon as she got it, she launched into a rambly explanation about how she had watched this video on youtube about putting instant mashed potatoes in a yard and then spraying them with a hose. Apparently it was impossible to clean up. The same video also said something about licking and sticking Jolly Ranchers onto windows so that they shattered when you tried to pull them off.

Jackie’s stomach dropped. “You guys are talking about serious property damage here!” she almost yelled.

Brita nodded, oblivious as to why that would be an issue.

Aiden sighed. “Listen, he deserves it.”

“But his parents also live here.”

“They should have raised him better,” Aiden countered.

Jackie shook her head.“We don’t know all the facts.”

“We know enough.”

Jackie looked at her hard. “Why are you so hell-bent on this? Why are you so angry?”

Aiden blinked twice, clearly not expecting Jackie to have paid much attention to her. But Jackie knew. Aiden liked to pride herself on being a quiet observer, picking up on things most people would miss, but Jackie had learned a thing or two over the years. Aiden was pissed. She wasn’t showing it outwardly, but her hands had been clenching and unclenching into fists since she heard the story.

“It’s Heidi,” Aiden said simply. “I can’t stand the bitch most days, but…”

“You care about her,” Brita filled in the rest of her sentence.

Aiden nodded once, firmly, before looking both girls in the eye. “But if you tell her that, I’ll kill you both.”

Jackie shook her head, smiling. Brita just chuckled.

“Alright, fine. He sucks, Let’s fuck his shit up.”

…

Nicky smiled patiently as Crystal shoved her planning materials back into her bag, a strand of her red hair falling into her eyes as she bent over.

“You ready?” Crystal asked, turning to Nicky with a determined look.

Nicky just nodded and followed her outside. They each gave Heidi a hug as they headed to the door and Crystal whispered something that Nicky couldn’t make out before they left. It must have been important because Heidi held fast to her hands and whispered a response. Crystal just shook her head with a sad smile and turned back to Nicky.

They ran into the other girls in the driveway, Jackie and her group were bickering about something or other, but briefly waved before piling into Crystal’s tiny two-seater car.

Nicky would usually complain about how small the car was and how ridiculous she felt having to bend her model-like frame in half to fit inside, but she sensed Crystal’s nerves and bit her tongue on a smart remark.

Crystal started driving; they were the first ones headed out from the house and they drove in silence for all of about three seconds before Crystal snapped her head over to look at Nicky.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? It’s so quiet in here, should we listen to some music? You can put on some music so it’s not so quiet in here—”

“Crystal?” Nicky cut her off.

“Yeah?” Crystal exhaled.

“You haven’t ever done anything like this before,” Nicky said. There was no question in her words.  

“No, and I’m kinda freaking out if you couldn’t tell.”

Nicky chuckled. “Oh, I could tell.”

“Well…” Crystal hinted, nervous energy in her voice causing a smile to spread across Nicky’s face.

“Well, what?”

“Say something encouraging! Or distract me! I’m freaking out here, I’ve never done anything illegal before,” Crystal worried.

Nicky smiled widely. “You’re cute when you’re stressed.”

It was dark, but Nicky could make out Crystal’s flush reaching her hairline.

“Did that help?” she asked teasingly.

“I-I… don’t know.”

Nicky chuckled and Crystal looked over to her with a smile on her face. “You gave us the easiest job,” Nicky said reassuringly. “All we have to do is slash his tires and spray paint a few bad words on his car. What could go wrong?”

“Don’t say that!” Crystal exclaimed. “You’re gonna jinx us!”

Nicky rolled her eyes. “It’s gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

They arrived at the school parking lot which, despite the team’s losing record, was heavily crowded. Only their school could lose every game and still draw such a crowd. Nicky counted them lucky though at that moment, seeing as the football team was so bad, the cheerleaders never had to attend any of their games. Which made this whole revenge plot a lot easier.

Nicky pulled out her phone and opened the group chat Crystal had made for all the girls. Heidi had sent a picture of what his car looked like, and the two girls spent a while going up and down the rows of cars before finding the vehicle in question.

Crystal parked her car and they hopped out. Nicky followed Crystal’s lead as she went around to open the trunk, pulling out a hefty looking duffle bag full of spray paint.

“I’m an art kid,” Crystal said by way of an explanation.

Nicky held up her hands. “I wasn’t gonna ask.”

Crystal threw the bag over her shoulder, a look of realization passed over her features as she moved to close the trunk. “Oh fuck.”

“What?”

Crystal’s hand went to worry her forehead. “I don’t have anything sharp to pop the tires with.”

Nicky held up a finger and rummaged around in her pockets for a few moments before coming back with a switchblade.

Crystal looked at her, mouth hanging open. “Nic, what the fuck?”

“What? It’s for self-defense.”

Crystal stared at her wide-eyed. “Have you done this before?”

“Oh, ma belle, too many times to count.”

Crystal just raised an eyebrow. “Lots of cheaters in France?”

“Lots of men in France.”

Crystal laughed, poorly concealing her nerves. Nicky reached over and squeezed her hand once for reassurance, ignoring the sudden increase in heart rate in favor of comforting her friend.

The two walked over to the car and Crystal paused. “So… should we—”

Nicky cut her off by pulling out the blade and stabbing it forcefully into one of the tires.

“Nicky!”

“You were taking too long!” she exclaimed.

Crystal just shook her head and started uncapping the spray paint. The hissing sound of the tires and the paint cans filled the anxious silence.

The whole ordeal took only about ten minutes. Nicky popped three of the four tires because apparently insurance only covered the damage for four. The words ‘cheater’ and ‘pig’ as well as a few other choice adjectives covered Jacob’s shiny new Lexus.

Crystal’s hands shook the entire time, and Nicky teased her lightly but ultimately ended up spray painting the rest of the vehicle. The two ran back to Crystal’s car, not that they needed to as the whole school was still focused on the game, but the adrenaline flowed hot through their veins and made them both giggle as they collapsed back into Crystal’s car.

Only after catching her breath did Nicky notice how close Crystal was. She admired the way the younger girl’s lips quirked up at the sides of her mouth and her eyes creased at the edges. Nicky could practically feel Crystal’s breaths against her cheek, and they were suddenly coming faster.

Crystal seemed to realize this at the same moment because she looked away and fumbled around for something. “I should probably text the group.”

Crystal pulled out her phone with shaky hands. Nicky didn’t back away, content to breathe in Crystal’s presence for as long as she could before the younger girl pulled away.

“Why didn’t you pair yourself up with Gigi?” Nicky asked before she could think better of it.

Crystal nearly dropped her phone. “Oh, y-you know. Can’t make it too obvious.”

Nicky raised one eyebrow skeptically. “Right.”

Crystal looked back down at her phone and bit her lip.

Nicky knew she had hit on something. The younger girl always seemed to get weirdly tense when she mentioned her crush on the cheerleader. And not in the embarrassed, nervous sort of way that she got when Nicky flirted with her. Crystal got… sad almost.

“Gigi was being so weird when Jan and Jaida paired up,” Nicky threw out, seeing if she could get Crystal to bite.

“Yeah, I guess,” Crystal shrugged, a bit too eager to change the subject.

Nicky pushed on.“Since that picture of them came out I thought it made sense for them to go together.” Crystal didn’t say anything, staring hard at her blank phone screen. “Are Jan and Jaida trying to keep on the down-low?”

“I don’t know!” Crystal snapped.

Nicky balked at this. “Sorry. Didn’t know it mattered that much to you.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just…” Crystal sighed. “Let’s not talk about them right now.”

Nicky nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Crystal turned the key and the car hummed to life. “The jersey group is done so we can head over to Jacob’s place now.”

“Cool.”

The sudden silence in the car was deafening.

…

Gigi breathed in and out slowly as she looked between Jan and Jaida.

This was fine. Everything was totally fine.

It’s just that the whole school was under the impression that Jan and Jaida were sleeping together when they weren’t, but Gigi couldn’t really come out and say that because that would expose the fact that Gigi was actually the one sleeping with Jaida.

But Jaida and Jan weren’t exactly trying to get rid of the rumors, having been seen hanging out during school hours. Not to mention during practice.

Jan had come back to school after a few days, pretended like everything was fine, her usual bubbly self back in full force. No one seemed to question it. And no one seemed to notice the extra attention given to the women’s varsity basketball team captain. Except for Gigi.

“So, um, do either of you have like, spray paint or something?” Jaida asked.

Jan perked up immediately and mentioned something about some prom committee mockups and how she had a whole bunch of paint left over.

“You would have a closet full of paint,” Jaida chuckled, sounding oddly comfortable in Jan’s presence.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” the younger girl exclaimed.

“Oh, nothin’ Miss President.” Jaida shook her head with a smile.

Jan rolled her eyes fondly and bit at the corner of her mouth to hide her own smile, even going so far as to look down at the floor to avoid eye contact.

Gigi watched this whole interaction with a raised eyebrow.

“Cool, so we can just hop over to yours and head to school,” Gigi cut in.

Jan looked up quickly, almost like she had forgotten Gigi was there. “Yeah, sure.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jaida nodded.

The three girls said their goodbyes to Heidi and weaved through the other groups before walking the short distance across the street to Jan’s house. The student body president told them she’d only be a minute as she disappeared into the house.

Gigi turned to face Jaida who had her arms crossed and was looking anywhere but at her. The tension only grew when Gigi went to speak.

“Jaida—”

The older girl shook her head. “Nah, Princess. Not tonight,” Jaida wouldn’t even look at her, the pavement beneath their feet holding her attention.

Gigi scoffed. “You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

Jaida raised her gaze and the look in her eyes made the few feet between them suddenly feel like miles. Jaida blinked at her once, twice, and shook her head. “Don’t need to.”

“Jaida—” Gigi cursed her voice for coming out desperate and clingy, though she knew it was the truth.

The basketball player just shook her head. “We talked about this, Princess.”

They hadn’t. Not really. Jaida had texted her the day after the picture leaked, said they should talk, but so much had happened since. They just hadn’t found time.

So no, they hadn’t talked, apart from the previous conversations where they promised not to fool around anymore, only to go back on that promise a few hours later.

Gigi wanted to say more, wanted to yell or scream, make herself heard. But she didn’t. She just looked at her feet.

And that was it. They waited in uncomfortable silence for another thirty seconds before Jan emerged, smiling proudly with three cans of spray paint.

Jaida led them over to her truck, opening the door and offering a hand to help each of the girls up. Gigi tried not to read too much into the fact that Jan was sitting in the passenger seat, while Gigi had been pushed to the back.

The car ride was relatively silent, at least on Gigi’s part. Jan and Jaida made comfortable small talk and laughed like old friends. Gigi did her best to ignore them, focusing instead on counting the streetlamps they passed.

The school building was dark, illuminated only by the stadium lights in the distance. Jaida pulled into her usual spot and hopped out to offer her hand again to help the girls down, this time, Gigi didn’t take it.

There was a flash of hurt on Jaida’s face, but it disappeared as soon as it came.

Jan seemed oblivious to their interaction as she approached the school, scoping out the building for any way inside. They were lucky the art room door was propped open, making their entrance to the school relatively easy. The dark, empty hallways filled Gigi’s chest with a weird feeling that she couldn’t altogether name. It was strange, seeing this place she had spent four years practically living out of, abandoned. She felt a weird sort of nostalgia take root in her stomach and she shook her head.

This night was bringing out all these… feelings in her that she’d rather not admit.

The three girls came to a stop in the middle of the gym, scanning the walls for Jacob’s last name.

Jan spotted it first, pointing to the far wall. “That’s his.”

The glass-enclosed jersey was high up on the wall, higher than Gigi had expected. There was no way, even with all their cheerleading prowess, and Jaida’s long legs, for them to deface the jersey from the ground. They needed something more.

“There’s a ladder outside the theatre,” Jan offered. “They’re doing some construction stuff with the stage I think.”

“I’ll go grab that.” Jaida said firmly, heading toward the gym doors. Gigi couldn’t help but think that she had volunteered in order to put as much distance between them as possible.

“Holler if you need help,” Jan called after her.

Jaida spun around and gave her a wink. “Will do, Miss President.”

Gigi waited until the sound of Jaida’s footsteps faded out before turning to look hard at Jan.

The older girl looked right back, before sighing. “What?”

Gigi did her best to school her features, only allowing one eyebrow to raise in suspicion.“What the fuck is going on with you two?”

“Nothing, we’ve just been talking,” Jan said unconvincingly.

“Mhmm, yeah that looks like just talking.” Gigi couldn’t help the bitterness from seeping into her words.

Jan’s head snapped up to meet Gigi’s eyes, something burned in her dark brown orbs, and Gigi almost gasped aloud at the sight. The sight of her friend truly angry was a rare occurrence.

“What the hell do you care?” Jan snapped. Regret flashed in her eyes a second later, but she stood firm in her words.

Gigi sighed, imploring Jan to listen. “I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

Something in her tone must have tipped Jan off because the older girl took a step back in shock. “W-we’re just friends. It’s not like that.”

Gigi knew. Of course, she knew. Jaida wasn’t like that. No matter how much she liked to portray herself as the cocky player type, she never could commit all the way. The prime example being how she always texted Gigi after they fucked to make sure she was okay. Jaida tried to be arrogant and cocky, but her eyes always gave her away.

“I know. Just… Be careful with her, okay?” God, why did her voice nearly break just then? Gigi needed to get it together, needed to get all these emotions clogging up her lungs to stop. She needed to be able to breathe again.

“Gigi, what—”

Jan was cut off by Jaida returning, ladder held tightly to her chest. Gigi didn’t notice the way Jaida’s muscles bulged out around the metal rungs of the ladder. Not at all.

They decided that Gigi should be the one to actually do the defacing, which was fine by her. Jaida and Jan held the ladder firmly in place as she ascended the steps. She did her best not to look down and focus only on the next step in front of her.

Gigi’s legs still shook.

She wrote ‘cheater’ in big letters over where his last name was and did her best rendition of a hand flipping the bird. Jan and Jaida teased her about messing up the number of fingers on a hand and Gigi let herself laugh a bit, the tension in her gut dissipating with each heave of her shoulders.

As Gigi descended the ladder still shaking, they heard footsteps. They exchanged a wide-eyed glance before booking it toward the gym doors that lead outside.

They heard the footsteps increase their pace, but didn’t look back until they had sprinted out to the parking lot.

They ducked behind Jaida’s truck just as the gym doors slammed open on their hinges. The footsteps resumed and began to walk up and down the rows of cars. Instinctively, Gigi reached her hand out towards Jaida. When her brain caught up with her, Gigi went to lower her hand, but Jaida grabbed it, squeezing it twice in reassurance.

Gigi’s heart jumped wildly in her chest at the gesture, and she didn’t have it in her to scold it.

The person following them must have given up, because the footsteps retreated a moment later. The three girls breathed out a collective sigh of relief, and if Jan noticed Gigi and Jaida’s fingers intertwined, she didn’t mention it.

They made sure the coast was clear before piling back into Jaida’s truck and texting the group chat. The sound of Jaida’s tires peeling out of the parking lot rang in Gigi’s head.

…

The moment everyone left the house, Heidi started crying. She couldn’t stop the tears and the sobs that wracked her small frame.

She felt a solid pair of arms wrap around her shoulders and hold her tightly. She buried her face into the mass of Rock’s cotton candy pink hair, sniffling as she heard whispered words of encouragement. Widow patted her back soothingly and typed away on her phone.

After an immeasurable amount of time, Rock pulled back to wipe Heidi’s tears away with the pads of her fingers. The older girl gave her a weak smile, which only made Heidi want to cry more.

Widow, sensing this, cut in and spoke in a calm but firm voice. “No, no more of that, we ain’t crying over no stupid boy.”

Heidi looked up at her through bleary eyes. Widow gave her a reassuring smile and took her hand. “Come with me.”

“What are we doing?” Heidi questioned.

Widow sat Heidi down at her mirror and started surveying her makeup products. “We…” She motioned Rock over. “Are doing a good ole fashion makeover.”

Rock squealed excitedly beside her, and however much Heidi was not in the mood for this, she sighed. What could it hurt?

Widow made to start picking up products, but after two minutes, Rock shooed her away, claiming that she could take care of this part. Widow backed off and sat on Heidi’s bed, connecting her phone to a portable speaker and blasting some feel-good music at the highest volume setting.

Rock hummed under her breath and Widow chimed in every five or so minutes with a compliment on how great Heidi looked. It was almost comfortable.

But something in Heidi was still nagging at her. Crystal’s words as she had exited the house, she had said, “I know from personal experience.” Heidi knew for a fact the only person Crystal had ever dated was Gigi. It suddenly made sense as to why she was taking this whole revenge planning so seriously.

Rock, oblivious to the cogs turning in Heidi’s head, smiled at her sadly as a single tear escaped the side of Heidi’s eye. She brushed it away quickly and kissed the top of her forehead before continuing on her blush. Heidi felt her heart take root in her chest and ache at the tenderness.

She needed to distract herself or she would start crying for a completely different reason. She turned to look at Widow who was looking down at her phone and typing wildly.

“What are you doing?” Heidi asked.

Widow looked up, a mischievous smile on her face. “Just signing Jacob up for the Scientology email subscription service. As well as about sixty others.” Heidi’s eyes went wide as Widow continued talking. “And I’ve hit up all his friends on the football team, called in a few of Dahlia’s favors, they’ll be waiting for him after the game tonight. They aren’t fond of cheaters.” It was Rock’s turn to look at Widow shocked. “Oh, and I may have set you up with seven or so different guys to rebound with, you can pick your favorite from the list.”

Heidi just stared at Widow, mouth hanging open in shock.

“You’re welcome,” she said.

Rock shook her head and chuckled before going back to add the finishing touches on Heidi’s makeup.

“Now we’ve got to pick out an outfit…” Widow said hopping off the bed.

Widow blew through her closet like a hurricane, throwing out dresses and skirts and shirts and pants and accessories. Rock, bless her, was scrambling about, picking up all the thrown clothing articles and putting them back in their proper place.

Widow finally stopped when she came to a pastel blue sundress. It was off the shoulder, covered in ruffles, with neat brown buttons lined up nicely down the middle of the dress. She held it up to Heidi’s confused glance, before sighing and throwing the dress at her.

“Let’s go, bitch, we got a photoshoot to do!” Widow exclaimed. “We gotta show him what he’s missin’” she said by way of an explanation.

Widow rushed Rock and Heidi, saying something about the lighting being off if they waited much longer. It was dark outside, so Heidi had no idea what she was on about, but she hurried anyway.

They piled into Widow’s car and sped off down the road.

It was then that Heidi noticed the massive camera bag in the passenger seat.

Widow admitted sheepishly that she was a bit of a photography geek, and would have joined the school newspaper if they hadn’t all been lame weirdos.

They stopped outside a local coffee shop. Then a grocery store. Then an elementary school. Then a gas station. Somehow, with only a camera and Rock’s phone flashlight, Widow managed to get hundreds of photos. She directed Heidi’s poses and bossed Rock around to get the best lighting angle. It ended up being a long endeavor and Heidi’s body ached after all the strange angles she had to hold. But in the same breath, she couldn’t help but smile at the lunacy of all of it. At one point she was sitting in a tipped-over shopping cart and looking directly up at the sky above her.

This was not at all how she envisioned her night going.

When Widow finally flipped the camera around to show Heidi the results, she nearly choked. Each and every photo looked like it belonged on the cover of a magazine. The high-quality image and the positioning of Heidi’s body had turned out looking downright professional.

Heidi just stared at the photos with wide eyes.

The longer she said nothing, the more Widow fidgeted. “These are just the raw ones, I can edit them to be whatever you want.”

Heidi just kept looking through them.

Widow’s voice tinged on anxious as she spoke next. “Sorry if I got a little carried away, I just thought about what would help me most if I were in your situation and I—”

“Thank you,” Heidi cut her off. She looked up to meet Widow’s eyes. “You got no idea how much this means.”

The anxiety faded from her face as Widow let a smile take over. “Yeah, ‘course.”

They were interrupted by Rock calling out their names. Heidi turned to see Rock holding her phone above her head. “It’s go time, ladies!”

…

As Widow’s car pulled up to the oh so familiar house, Heidi felt her stomach twist. This time it wasn’t in anger or guilt or fear. The sight of three other cars outside, as well as the crowd of girls gathering on the sidewalk in front of the house, filled Heidi’s chest with joy.

Widow put the car in park and Rock squeezed her hand, then before Heidi could blink, they were on the sidewalk in front of Jacob’s house. Had she not been surrounded on all sides by her friends she might have broken down, cried and screamed and yelled about how it wasn’t fair and how she had given everything to him.

But she wasn’t alone.

Jackie placed a gentle hand on her back and held out a carton of eggs. Heidi looked up at her and gave a smile. But before she did anything else, she pulled Crystal, who was watching her intensely, into a giant hug.

“Thank you,” Heidi whispered into her shoulder, attempting to convey her every emotion into those two syllables.

Crystal just nodded and squeezed her harder. “No problem.”

Heidi exhaled and turned back around to Jackie. She grabbed an egg, its smooth hard surface feeling firm in her hand.

She inhaled the past. Jacob’s sweet words, his dopey smile, the way he said her name, how he kissed her.

She exhaled.

And threw.

Before she knew it, eggs were breaking apart against the hard brick of the house from every direction. There were whoops and hollers and a general sense of catharsis.

Heidi looked on either side of her to see all the girls in her neighborhood getting in on the action, even quiet mannered Rock was chucking eggs like a sprinkler. Heidi couldn’t help but laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh.

God, she was so fucking sad just a few hours ago, sure that her life as she knew it would be over, and now, surrounded on all sides by girls, most of whom she hadn’t spoken to in years, she had never felt more loved.

[thegreatwhiteferret]

✤ Reddie

Who said I love you first?

-Richie! He was laying on Eddie’s bed one day after school and they were supposed to be studying but he was really just watching Eddie. Eddie had his tongue poking out of his mouth a little, super focused on a question, and the sunlight was streaming through the window making him look like he had a Goddamn halo, and Richie just couldn’t stop himself anymore, he mumbled out “My God, I’m in love with a literal angel.” and Eddie turned to look at him confused, and Richie was just staring at him with the purest look in his eyes, and Eddie just smiled back at him and said, “And I am in love with a major dork.” without skipping a beat. And then Richie attacked him with kisses and said it like a thousand more times because he could.

Who laughs when the other trips?

-Eddie. Richie is tall and lanky and has zero control of his limbs, especially after he has a massive growth spurt when they are juniors. Eddie can’t help but laugh every time Richie falls, but then he rushes in with his fanny pack full of supplies to make sure that he isn’t actually injured.

Who pays the bills?

-Richie. Richie is actually super smart when it comes to math and he finds it soothing to balance the checkbook and everything. Eddie loves that Richie takes the reins when it comes to this and he knows that he never has to worry about it.

Who makes a bigger deal around the holidays?

-Richie. Eddie never really got to experience what the holidays felt like with a real family because of how controlling his mom was, so Richie always goes extra with decorations and celebrations so that Eddie can experience how amazing they are now that they are their own little family. Eddie loves that Richie gets so into the holidays, for him it’s not about the presents or decorations, it’s that they seem to make Richie happy, and a happy Richie makes Eddie happy. 

Who’s more clumsy?

-RICHIE. See answer number two.

Who checks their daily horoscope?

-Richie, he believes in the spirituality of life and likes to read both his and Eddie’s horoscopes and send them to Eddie with little notes about how the universe is connecting them. Eddie rolls his eyes at it, but he secretly loves that Richie is so enthusiastic about how they are meant to be.

Who sings louder in the car?

-They both do. Richie has a really deep and soulful singing voice, and Eddie begs him to sing all of the time. Eddie can hit super high notes flawlessly, so they harmonize together with whatever is on the radio and it is a truly beautiful thing. (Just imagine House of Gold by Twenty One Pilots with a three part harmony when they chime in…oh. my. god.)

Who leaves the cap off of the toothpaste?

-Neither. Eddie finds it disgusting, and Richie is well trained enough to know that if he does it, Eddie will kill him.

Who is more up to date with pop culture?

-Eddie. He loves listening to new pop music and admittedly reads trashy magazines with Bev as a way to wind down when he has had a rough week and he doesn’t feel like going to kick boxing to get it all out.

Who insists on going to see the newest movies?

-Richie is a film fanatic. He makes out a schedule every month of all of the movies he has to see. Then he breaks apart the whole movie and points out all of it’s merits and faults to Eddie as soon as they get back in the car. Eddie loves how passionate he is about it, and listens to his every word.

Who cries when the abused animal commercials come on?

-BOTH OF THEM. Seriously, who doesn’t cry at these commercials? They have pure hearts and want to adopt all of the animals.

Who’s the lighter sleeper?

-Eddie. Richie sleeps like the dead.

Who believes in ghosts?

-Richie. He is really into spirituality and the fact that even after you die your energy can’t be destroyed, it’s just transferred to something else. He watches every episode of the Ghost Adventures and never missed an episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural. He was so into the Hot Dog Saga.

Who does the grocery shopping?

-Eddie. If he didn’t all they would have in the house would be pure sugar. Eddie also really likes cooking and knowing exactly what he is putting into his body. It’s one of the lasting side effects from his mother forcing him to take all of those pills, but Eddie likes that he is able to take back the power. Richie also loves it because Eddie makes the best spaghetti. ;)

Who updates their Facebook status more often?

-Neither. Eddie is really paranoid about people knowing exactly what he’s doing, because you can never be sure who will see it. Nothing on the internet is private, after all. Richie has an Instagram where he posts pictures and videos about his band and his daily life, but only posts pictures of him and Eddie with Eddie’s permission. He loves his boy so much and he knows that so he doesn’t feel the need to post a million pictures of them on social media.

Well…I hope that this was good enough, and that y’all enjoyed my take on Reddie. Send me a ship and I’ll answer these questions (and any you want to add) about them! ❤️❤️❤️

[paniccord-ff]

2. Part 2

Looking down at the ring, this is not what I want. I just want to get home, I am ready to blow but I can’t do it now. I am shaking, I cannot stop crying and then Chris is not answering my calls or texts. I was stuck, I had my family there, his family there. I wanted to say no, my heart was screaming no, I wanted to say no. I sobbed out “Robyn” Mel touched my leg “I made a mistake” my eyes are so sore, I can’t stop crying on my birthday “why did you say yes then, you could say no. Nobody was holding a gun to your head” she is right “what good would have that done huh? Everyone already looking at me like I am waiting for Chris all the time” a tap on the SUV window, wiping the tears away. Pressing the button to put the window down “why are you crying?” my mom said “you knew about this didn’t you mom? You just want me married, I am going to keep crying. You are all evil” putting the window back up “he is coming out now, what are you going to do?” I shrugged “I don’t know, I will let you know if I kill him. You better pick up so we can hide the body” Mel smiled “stop it, just don’t argue too much” I want to kill him, he really is deluded “I just hope Chris knows I didn’t know of this, I don’t want this. Was he crying?” Mel nodded her head “stop thinking about it now, just tell him you don’t want it” she shuffled out of the SUV.

I want to kill him, I need to calm down “touch me and I will break your hand” turning my body away from Adam “don’t fucking speak to me, let’s go” he ruined everything, the stupid idiot. Looking down at my phone, a message from Mel. Not like I wanted that, why is he not answering me, I don’t even have Mijo’ number. I want Chris to know I was never involved in that shit, it was never me. I didn’t know, staring at my messages as I sobbed out “why are you crying?” Adam asked “I said do not fucking speak to me! Don’t fucking do it” I could message Mijo on Instagram, he will answer that. Tapping on Instagram and then tapping on my Direct Messages. I hope to god Mijo is not going to ignore me too, I never knew anything. I would never hurt him that bad, I feel so awful. I just hope Mijo answers me, I need to know he is ok at least.

Closing the door behind me, pulling the ring off “I didn’t want this shit” my aim becomes impeccable when I am angry, other than that I can’t throw for shit. The ring hit the back of his head, he touched his head turning to me in shock “are you crazy!? Seriously? What is your problem? You wanted to settle, you wanted this, you said it” throwing my bag to the side “I am bleeding” blinking at him several times “you are a bastard, oh. I thought you was an angel but boy I was wrong, you were plotting on Chris. Why? Tell me motherfucker, why did you do that with Chris there” Adam turned around to walk away, his head can bleed out “no you will speak to me” running ahead of him “I don’t want to marry you Adam, I never did” he is getting so angry “nobody else will marry you? Stop being stupid, I invited Chris. Wanted to show him what he missed” I want to hit him but I won’t “missed? You motherfucker! How dare you” Adam laughed “I guess he cried and now you are? Oh come on, if he wanted you then why didn’t you get with him again? Stop thinking you have a future with him, you don’t. I treat you with respect” I snorted “your mom hates me, let’s fucking not Adam. I don’t want to marry you, you know what. I don’t even want you, this. This was nothing” he shook his head in disbelief “over Chris Brown? Your mom did say you was crazy about him” a tear fell “because I still fucking love him, you hurt him then you hurt me! You fucked with the wrong person, you will never be Chris and that is what eats you up inside! You will never be him Adam, my soul is his. You just filled a void while he is not around, the only pathetic person here is you. You thought you won, you lost. Game over now get out, take your cheap ring and go fuck yourself with it or better yet go and cry on your mom’ lap” hitting his shoulder as I walked by him.

Walking into my wardrobe, I want to get out of these clothes. I know where Chris lives, who doesn’t “you are going to end up lonely, as far as Chris Brown is aware you are mine now. You think he is going to want you? He is probably out there having sex with other women” why is he even here still “good, let him Adam. You made a mistake here, you played a dangerous game between two people that love each other. You will never know that man the way I do, as long as you are gone I don’t care if Chris and I get back together. I just want to let him know that this sick game was never me, can you get the fuck out. We are over and your dick game was never all that, you European men upset my soul. You’re sweet and all that but no, your ego is bigger than your dick” I snorted laughing, Adam stepped to me in anger “what you finna do huh? I will not be scared to put my heel in the side of your head now fucking get out!” we both stared at each other in anger “you better leave my friend the fuck alone, now!” Mel spat, Mel pushed him away from me “don’t be up in her space, move before I make you. Get out” Mel bought Rich, she ain’t stupid “can you please leave” he said, let me continue to get my clothes.

Even if he doesn’t speak to me, I will talk through his intercom he needs to know I didn’t set it up. I wouldn’t do that to him “Robz, seriously. Where are you going? Your ass can’t even drive” pulling my hood up “I can walk, we don’t live that far. It is like an hour walk, I can do it” she grabbed my arm “let’s not, I will get Mijo on the line. Come, just calm that ass down” pushing my hood back “see it’s ringing” she placed it on speakerphone, Mel is wasting my time “so can we have sex now?” Mijo said down the phone “why you gotta be like this?” Mel said giggling, if these two don’t shut the fuck up “ok, Jesus. Don’t look at me like that. Mijo, you know why I called” Mijo blew out air “don’t get me started, shiiit what you want to know?” snatching Mel’ phone “where is he!?” I shouted “he is at home, I am at home. I don’t know, he wanted to be alone so I left him. He a grown ass man, I just suggest you leave him be though. That shit was twisted as fuck, how you going to get engaged in front of the man you supposed to love? Come Rihanna my nigga, you trying to kill my friend” passing the phone back to Mel, I can’t do this. Walking back up the stairs crying a loud.

Walking out of Playhouse nightclub with my homies “see you in the studio?” The Game asked “for sure, I am going there now” he dapped me as we went our separate ways, I hate the paparazzi though. They be on my ass all the time about shit, looking behind me seeing my boys “I love you Chris!” This girl shouted, smiling at her. My bodyguards surrounded me “Chris! How do you feel about Rihanna being engaged? Was you crying?” TMZ be annoying as fuck, looking for my car “where my car at?” I said to J my bodyguard “around the corner” he said, thank god “there is pictures of you crying? Do you regret not having her back? Do you still love Rihanna Chris” I am dying to not flip out “how do you feel about Rihanna being engaged?” clenching my jaw “suck my left nut, fuck outta here” J pushed him out of the way finally.

Jessica and I remained silent as I drove to the studio, looking down at my knuckle. That shit is still sore as fuck, I decided I could either be at home and cry or just move on. I haven’t mentally moved on, I know I haven’t just because I couldn’t have sex with Jessica. I mentally couldn’t do it, I had to walk away and I cried again. Robyn fucked me over in so many ways, I can’t digest that she is getting married. I broke my phone, I have a new number and I stay away from social media but that shit finds me. Mijo tried to tell me some shit but I don’t want to hear it, I don’t care anymore. It’s been two weeks now and my heart is wounded as fuck, shit I still want to cry. I fucked up, I get it but why. I saw her get engaged, that image in my mind will never go and I am trying so hard to move on. I can have Jessica here but she don’t get much from me, maybe a yes or no answer. She follows me around, I straight can’t have sex because my mind is just everywhere. Love sucks, I love hard and I love that woman. Robyn Rihanna Fenty, I love her.

I don’t even know why I am in the studio, I can’t even think of making music. Do I even know how to make songs, I don’t know what to do anymore “you’re so quiet” The Game said, I shrugged “this is why you don’t love, shit. Never give your heart, I mean it is Rihanna but no” I don’t wish to speak about my life to anyone “cool” I don’t know what he wants me to say “you want to go home?” Jessica asked “I want you to leave me be” I retorted, sitting back in the chair “he has been like this since that day, quiet. In his own world. She really drove him crazy, love make you crazy” why is people talking about me when I can hear them, fuck these niggas. My mom doesn’t blame Rihanna, I mean who does but she ran away from me constantly, what could I do.

I can’t even be bothered to be making any type of music, I am just watching The Game do it but I think he is done now “I think I am done here, speak soon homie. Kids home so I got to go” everyone has kids, shaking his hand. Touching the side of my face, my people are bored as fuck because I am boring as fuck. Turning in the chair staring at the booth, my heart still hurts. I can’t barely sleep, I keep replaying it in my mind so I can’t sleep “can you niggas kind of get a life and move out of this room, I need to speak to my nigga” looking behind me, I don’t know why Mijo is here “I am going now” standing up, I need to go anyways it’s late “did you stalk me?” I said laughing at him “kind of, just get these out of here” Mijo is stupid, it’s late too “y’all go home, if y’all have a home” sitting back down in the chair.

Mijo is wasting my goddamn time, he is here for no reason “how did you know I was here?” I asked, I am sure I never told him “you told me” he pointed saying “I didn’t, but what is it? Can’t you just speak to me tomorrow, I am tired” that is a lie, I am just done talking “well, I mean you can probably kill me later but I am just done hearing it. You won’t listen and whatever, just please listen ok” my eyebrows knitted together in confusion, what on earth is he on about. Who the fuck is Mijo waving over “I’ll be out here” he stepped out still holding the door open, I swear I am going to hit Mijo. I didn’t even need to guess who this is “I am not doing this” I want to go, Robyn pushed her hood back “just shut up and listen” he closed the door, I don’t want to be here in this room.

Standing as far as I could from Robyn, the island between us keeping us apart. I don’t even want to look at her face “I am sorry Chris, I have been trying to contact you for so long. I begged Mijo to help me see you, you don’t reply to anything” dragging my eyes away from the wall to look at her “now you know how it feels when you run away, it’s horrible ain’t it” squinting my eyes at her face “what happened to your face?” looking like she hit it “oh, nothing. I was playing with Majesty and I hurt it” not like I care “ok, what do you want? Is this you saying goodbye, what is it?” I can’t even stand to be in a room with her “it’s me saying sorry, I am not marrying nobody. As much as you are hiding, so am I. As soon as I realised what he did, I broke it off. I never wanted him Chris, I told you I love you and I mean it. I never knew he was going to do that, I am not engaged. Me and him are over, I don’t care if there is no us but I don’t want you to hurt. I want to say sorry because I feel bad that I couldn’t protect you, you know I try and do that. Even if that means I lose out” she choked out “you mean lose out on a future because you listen to others, I hope you do find a happily ever after. It’s fine, you got me back. I fucked up on you” I am done and want to go, walking around the island.

Pulling open the door walking out “the fuck you both doing?” Mijo and Mel nearly fell into the room “well, we was waiting to hear you both have sex but clearly that ain’t happen” walking by both Mel and Mijo, I want to go home. Walking to the elevator “Chris, listen to me. As your brother, hear me out” tapping the elevator button “go on?” I will listen until the elevator comes “is that it? You know for a fact you love that woman in there, she didn’t mean this shit. It was never her fault. You think you are going to move on? That is a lie Chris because you won’t, bitches and hoes ain’t the one” shaking my head “ok Dr Phil, what do you know” laughing at him “I know enough that you both love each other, this is god’s way of resetting shit. I am not justifying any of y’all shit but I know you both will always end up together. Come, let’s chill with them. What you going to do? Sleep? Which you don’t do” Mijo walked back to the studio.

This is awkward as shit “I liked the Pandora bracelet you bought” Robyn said, looking at her wrist “how could you say yes?” I blurted out, the room fell silent “I was stuck, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, I broke your heart and I am so sorry. The sad part is that I don’t think I will ever see myself with any other man, I broke down when I saw it all. Your face broke me, I am so sorry. He is a bastard, he hurt you and I could never be with someone that wanted to hurt my soulmate” Mijo cleared his throat “you hear what happened to Rihanna, I am still surprised you ain’t floor that bitch” Robyn eyeballed Mijo “oh my bad” licking my lips “what happened?” I asked “Mijo is stupid, I just fell” staring at Robyn “you a bad liar, what happened?” I want to know now “well Adam and his mom had come to the house to try and sort it all out, and I flipped on the bitch. I didn’t see it coming but his mom slapped me, I dead ass didn’t expect it that I couldn’t react but yeah. Stupid me got slapped” that is a bad ass hit “like I said Chris, he hurt the man I love and I stay with that” she really got hit, I feel bad for her now.

I am just staying quiet, what else can I say. My heart is so wounded “I don’t like my nigga like this, you are never quiet. You just sit around staring, why?” Mijo asked, I shrugged not saying a word “life came at me fast, the real truth is that I lost you. Whatever has happened between you and your nigga but seeing that will never not leave my mind, the person you love about to marry another man. That hurts and it fucks me up that it happened, it happened and I stood there. I was dressed in a suit at your engagement. Just because you ain’t getting married it doesn’t fix the fact my heart is broken, you told me you loved me and I was on a high. You know when you have broke me when I can’t even care to drink, get high or have sex. You said yes and that did it for me” It just blows my mind “you the only one to heal my nigga” Mijo said, seeing Robyn from the corner of my eye sit next to me “I can admit fault, but I am tired of running Chris. To be honest it scared me to be married to another man that I don’t love and can never have my heart. I am open to trying again but I will leave that with you, we can talk when you’re ready but I love you so much Chris. Just to see you here, just to see your face I am so blessed. I guess we are stuck together but I will be waiting for you, no running involved. I expected you to be high off your mind with a boat full of hoes, but you’re not. I love you Chris” I remained silent not saying a word to her, I have nothing to say.

[herotheshiro]

i wanted to post this online somewhere but didn’t know where to put it (not really something to put on any of my IG accounts and if you stay w me for the rest of this post you’ll know why i didn’t put it on twitter) and i almost forgot tumblr existed and no one really uses it (i.e., my sibling doesn’t follow this account. was going to put this on my personal blog which my sibling also doesn’t follow but i feel like this blog is better in the end) so good place to put it and let me release my thoughts. [put it under cut bc it’s pretty long lol]

but basically one of the worst decisions i’ve made in the last half yr is become active on twitter. i made an account back in october to try to order some hipmaic merch from a proxy which ultimately failed and had unexpected personal blowbacks as well... that in itself should have already indicated the dumpster fire that twitter would become for me (from the bad vibes of that failure i mean) but unfortunately in the time before i knew the proxy was going to fail, i got absorbed into fandom twitter. for whatever reason i have this weird thing of wanting to become fandom famous or like fandom well-known, which i think is partially due to me wanting to be like my sibling who sort of became a recognizable name due to their fanworks in some of their fandoms in the past. i feel like i used to kind of have that kind of recognition back during the young deviantart days but since i don’t really produce/publish fanworks anymore, i’ve gotten to liveblogging/livetweeting as my attempts to fame. ik some ppl have succeeded off of that, based on some of the ppl i’ve followed for a number of fandoms in the past few years, so i thought i could do it too ... but alas as y’all know, the internet is a big place and it’s hard to get ppl to care abt your one voice. and ppl noticing you also sometimes happens in unwanted ways, like that whole thing i got stressed over re: a/3 which i think i blogged abt on this blog before ... i mean still not even 100% they were referring to me specifically w that vague tweetinig but i was stupidly anxious over dumb shit like that.

also, as everyone knows, once you really get into a fandom, there is always the absolute mess of “problematic” content/call-outs. sometimes it’s valid critiques of the series content, sometimes it’s over stupid ass petty inter-fan drama. and even if you’re not involved in the drama itself, it’s so tiring to have to witness all the passive aggressive (or sometimes outright aggressive) tweets ... esp in this current global pandemic situation where we’re already getting negative news re: our real lives. i’m writing up this post really in response to me reading through threads of ppl calling out the problematic ways hipmaic handles hip hop/black culture which is definitely valid and basically something i’ve always been aware of even when i first came into the fandom bc non-black iterations of hip hop culture (esp overseas) usually do not hit the mark .... even though i’ve been aware of all this shit, it’s so tiring to read through and then the guilt of still consuming the fandom even w its flaws (which is still something you can do as long as you acknowledge the flaws and problematic aspects. but it also depends on the series i suppose, like imo a/o/t is just shit that prob shouldn’t be consumed lol, which is also funny bc i used to consume it a long time ago but that was like way before the timeskip like when the anime first got released ... i mean this kind of opinion/perspective is fraught w so many asterisks so i’m not going to go into it further but hopefully you get what i mean even if you’re not hearing all of my personal footnotes)... like i don’t think i’m going to give up hipmaic yet, bc i still do enjoy some of its music and i do enjoy seeing character content, but adding twitter to my life was honestly a goddamn mistake. not only for that one case of anxiety re: a/3 but also just me purposely consuming fans’ content that i literally KNOW will piss me off but i still do anyways. it’s tiring to read some of the comments hipmaic fans say, and a few months ago i wanted to interact re: headcanons and stuff but now i’m like you know what. keep your frankly incorrect and inaccurate headcanons to yourself (partly sarcastic but you know when you read a thinkpiece and you respect them for voicing their opinion but it’s also “wrong” at the same time...).

like recently i’ve gotten to thinking to literally just blocking any twitter account that talks abt hyp mic and just restricting my twitter to non-fandom stuff or japanese twitter accounts where i don’t understand what stupid shit they’re saying (if any). and also let’s not get into what a time-suck scrolling through twitter has become for me ... i’m already depressed and completely unmotivated to do work, and twitter is just a major procrastination device to continue wrecking my academic and professional lives and productivity ... i don’t have the app, but i can still access it through safari so of course it’s still a stick in my wheel. i really need to follow what my sibling said and try to rarely go on it and if i do, just stick to my dash and don’t stray too far out (i.e., looking up shit in the search bar). tbh, IG and twitter are both huge time-wasters for me, and i seriously need to consider deleting social media in general or at least for a good chunk of time which is something i wanted to do literally 2 yrs ago but just never did ... ik some of my friends are relatively inactive on social media (they do have it but they just never post or anything) and i really really need to be like that. everything for me (like many ppl at this time i assume) is remote, and i know from past experience that i am VERY BAD at being productive when doing remote working. and having IG/twitter drains is definitely going to make that worse, especially since they’re already major distractors when i AM physically going to school/work. i feel like i’ve tried to cut cold-turkey before, but i usually never keep up the block for long ... it’s also due to a lack of motivation in general (this is a whole other monster of a topic that should be put on my personal blog LMAO) but i need to just try to cut things that i have some control over that could further contribute to my lack of productivity.

tl;dr

fandom twitter truly is a dumpster fire

twitter itself is helping ruin my life (not bc of anything happening on it but just its presence)

i am just purposely consuming bad news and shitty takes and making myself feel worse and i need to stop

[pedalfuzz]

Hopscotch 2018: Pedal Fuzz Picks

The Hopscotch Music Festival is almost here! From September 6-8, downtown Raleigh, NC, will be electric with nearly-non-stop music. The Pedal Fuzz team scoured the schedule of over 120 bands for some of the acts we can't wait to see.

Our picks come from Dustin K. Britt, Melvyn Brown, Jon Foster, Eddie Garcia, and Tom Sowders. 

  H.C. McEntire - Thursday, 5:50pm (City Plaza)

I'm not going to lie or flatter myself: when I initially saw the Hopscotch lineup for 2018, I didn't recognize the name H.C. McEntire. I'd kind of slept on Un Deux Trois and Mount Moriah, even though when I'd hear them in passing they'd be added to my ever-expanding Mental List Of Things That I Definitely Need To Sit Down And Give A Serious Listen To Sometime Soon. But when I realized that H.C. McEntire was also Heather McEntire, from erstwhile mid-2000s Durham band Bellafea, I perked up pretty quickly: I loved Bellafea every time I saw them to the extent that I've considered peeling one of their old stickers off of a friend's bumper and keeping it for myself (sorry, Adam). Heather/H.C.'s new stuff is soulful and self-searching, and country-tinged in a way that avoids cynical, syrupy pastiche in favor of the authentic and sincere. I've now had a few serious listens through my headphones, but I can't wait to hear this stuff live. -  Melvyn Brown

 Real Estate - Thursday, 7:15pm (City Plaza)

I got into a fun fight with a friend a few weeks ago about whether or not "New Jersey sux LOL" is a lazy and unoriginal take (correct answer: it is!), and along with Walt Whitman and The Wrens, the band Real Estate was one of my main arguments on the Garden State's behalf. "It's Real" from 2011's Days is the cut that immediately made me a fan: the melodic interplay between the guitars, the rhythmic counterpoints and switchbacks from the bass and the drums, and the keyboard swirls all come together to produce a sound that's dreamy yet grounded, effervescent yet substantial, focused yet effortless. Martin Courtney's vocals wash cooly above it all, like waves over the sand on some idyllic Jersey Shore afternoon. The overall impression is clean, direct, and mildly euphoric, something like the mirror twin of a hangover-induced panic attack. -  Melvyn Brown

 The Flaming Lips - Thursday, 8:45pm (City Plaza)

I turned my attention to The Flaming Lips for the first time after finding out that Blake Schwarzenbach of Jawbreaker loved the song “The Gash,” off of The Soft Bulletin. I checked that song out and loved it and put it on a VERY important volume of my personal mix cd series (I believe it was Stinger Vol. 13). Anyway, it became a favorite: so big and dreamy, like a sky full of javelins. Since then, The Flaming Lips have lavishly expanded indie rock into a colossal dreamscape full of giant eyeballs and lasers and feather boas, and I have still never seen them live. That’s bout to change, y’all - I’m eager to see what these fearless freaks do at Hopscotch. - Tom Sowders

 Deaf Wish - Thursday, 11:30pm (Slim’s)

I do ‘rock bands’ less and less. Whether it’s my age, the ‘been there done that’ sameness I so often encounter, or my compulsion  to explore ‘other’ sounds, I can’t say for sure. Probably all three. SO that’s why I find it goddamn significant that when I pressed play on the Deaf Wish song “FFS” (from a press release no less!) I listened to it three times in a row and sent it to a handful of friends. It’s got that Stooges snarl, the dissonance of Sonic Youth at their more aggressive early moments, and I bet it's going to smoke live. And every member of this Australian band takes turns at vocal duties, how cool is that? - Eddie Garcia

Thundercat – Friday, 7:15pm (City Plaza)

I first went to Japan in July 2000. It was a life-defining trip. In 2017, in connection with the college I teach for, I went again. The morning I woke up in Tokyo, I opened my window, and boiled some water for instant coffee. It was early. I looked out over the street. People were just starting to move around, starting to head to their jobs as the sun began to rise. The twelfth song on Thundercat’s album Drunk is “Tokyo.” Looking at the people from my tiny hotel room and thinking about the references in the song, both the song and the experience of being there again took on a new emotional depth. - Jon Foster

Grizzly Bear -  Friday, 8:45pm (City Plaza)

The quartet’s records emit a throng of atmospheric noises coming from some unidentified dimension. Airtight vocal harmonies, instrumental experimentation, and psychedelic soundscapes are easy enough to capture in the studio, but can Ed Droste et al. deliver a sonically precise package live with adequate spontaneity and animation? I intend to find out. - Dustin K.  Britt

  Yamantaka // Sonic Titan - Friday, 10:00pm (Fletcher)

I never knew I wanted to hear a mix of shred / shoegaze / prog / pop but buddy was I wrong. And honestly, that’s not really doing justice to the melting pot of musical styles this band tackles. This experimental art & music collective swirls Buddhism with sci-fi while subverting the expectations of their Asian Canadian heritage. Their latest album is described as “the soundtrack for an unreleased Haudenosaunee- and Buddhist-themed Anime” From what I understand their live show involves much makeup and costumes and theatrical twists. I’m in. - Eddie Garcia

Shopping - Friday, 12:30am (Wicked Witch)

My wife introduced me to Shopping a couple years ago. We don’t always agree on what constitutes good music. That’s largely because I’m kind of a sad bastard who enjoys listening to the dreary music of other sad bastards, so that my own floating sadness can become inhabitable, and I can enter, sit down on a milkcrate, stay in there, stay safe and headphoned and probably wine drunk and blazed to bits. My wife prefers fun, cool music that ISN’T just an onanistic playground for narcissism masquerading as sensitivity. Anyway, it’s nice when we can land on a band that makes both our brains sparkle, and Shopping is such a band. Their music is like strutting with pointed toes on down a neon rainbow while LSD cartoons go dancing by in a great swirl toward the speaker at 174 bpm. I feel a physical need to get my groove on to their surfy, angular, rock ‘n’ roll dance music. - Tom Sowders

Moses Sumney -  Saturday, 6:40pm (Red Hat Amphitheater)

An expert a cappella arranger, Sumney’s androgynous voice seeps from the record player like a cloud of blue incense that gradually fills every room and penetrates your pores. On stage, his breath pushes gently against the spiritual waters of the amphitheater, growing exponentially into a wave that soars far above the heads of the crowd and crashes against every surrounding building. I plan to submerge myself along with the rest of downtown Raleigh, willing victims of the Sumney tsunami. - Dustin K.  Britt  

Nile Rodgers and Chic - Saturday, 8:00pm (Red Hat Amphitheater)

Even when I was too young to understand the songwriter/producer/session musician nexus or to have any concept of a trademark sound, I knew that I loved "Le Freak" (Chic), "Let's Dance" (David Bowie), and "We Are Family" (Sister Sledge) because they all had some essential, incredible thing in common. Time passed; I listened to more music, read more magazines and gatefolds and liner notes (and frankly, watched a heroic amount of VH1), and I eventually pieced together that the previously ineffable common link between these songs and approximately a million others was Nile Rodgers. Seriously, you could get pretty lost in the weeds trying to chase down every recording he's had a hand in–I just found out, for example, that he produced and played rhythm guitar on my favorite B-52s track, "Topaz”.  Like the telltale trumpet trills of a Capitol-era Sinatra record or the twelve-string twang of The Byrds, Rodgers leaves his indelible but never overbearing signature on everything he touches so that even if you can't quite put your finger on it, you're glad that he already has. - Melvyn Brown

MC50 – Saturday, 8:45pm (City Plaza)

There’s no reason for this to happen.  The last time the MC5 were together, Richard Nixon was still in office. Wayne Kramer is the only original member playing, which should give music fans some reservations about why this is happening. There’s too many high profiled reunion tours that last too long and barely have any connection with the original music. Why would I want to see this band? The answer is easy, Kim Thayil (Soundgarden) and Brendan Canty (Fugazi). If those guys are in your “cover band” then they’re worth seeing. - Jon Foster  

Palberta - Saturday, 10:30pm (Slim’s)

The problem with having too many music fans on your social media page is that you’re inundated with new stuff. There’s always something to check out. Most of the time I feel that listening to new music is homework: I have to listen to everything, or I won’t pass some god-awful hipster test. Add friend suggestions and posts from music blogs, and you’re never really on top of stuff. I “try” new things constantly, clicking on a few seconds of a new song three or four times a day. Somehow Palberta appeared in my Facebook newsfeed like it would for any “hip” 37 year old. I loved them immediately. They were trashy, noisy, and complicated all at the same time. They’re the perfect antidote for well-orchestrated soullessness. I imagine two things might happen when I see them: either they will play a transcendent show, or everything will fall apart as soon as they hit the stage. I don’t know which I prefer. - Jon Foster

Yonatan Gat - Saturday, 10:30pm (Pour House)

The first time I saw Yonatan Gat, he was playing as a trio on the floor of Snug Harbor in Charlotte. Setup in a circle, the band had lamps with colored bulbs surrounding them. Gat would switch them off and on to indicate a change was coming in the (to my ears) largely improvised songs they were playing. Gat (who the Village Voice once named best guitarist in NYC) is a dexterous, dynamic player who eschews effects, save for a wah-wah pedal leading into a reverb soaked amp. And the band is a Hendrix-Experience-but-in-the-2010s ball of psych freakout, holding it down while creeping into catchy chaos. On the latest album Universalists, radical tape-splicing techniques were used in assembling the record; I’m very eager to hear how that fractured methodology takes shape live. - Eddie Garcia

Mind Over Mirrors - Saturday, 11pm (Fletcher)

Last year’s Undying Color was one of my favorite albums of 2017. The drone of Jaime Fennelly’s harmonium was elevated by propulsive rhythms, searing synths, and cascading mysterious vocals. The blend was intoxicating. This year’s Bellowing Sun I can only describe as a Steve Reich dance party. They describe it as, “a sonic inquiry into celestial cycles and the illuminating nature of darkness.” So see, you win either way really. My No. 1 pick. - Eddie Garcia

Sarah Shook & The Disarmers -  Saturday, 11:00pm (Lincoln Theatre)

Once a beloved pourer of libations at Chapel Hill’s (not closing) The Cave, triangle folks haven’t seen much of our hometown hero lately, and for a damn good reason: our queer country crooner is ruling the world on a major tour. Shook and company stomped through Charlotte in June to open for Willie Nelson, and now the Triangle kids are getting our turn. - Dustin K.  Britt

Grouper - Saturday, 12:00am (Fletcher)

I think I’ve established that ONE kind of music I like to listen to is sad, sad music. I think this predilection emerged sometime around the release of Use Your Illusion II by Guns N' Roses. “Civil War,” “November Rain,” me swaying in my dark bedroom with a bowl cut, you get the idea. Well, I’m not ten anymore, so I need SADDER. I can’t wait to stand before the unfurling sparkle of the sequin weighted blanket that is Grouper. I just want to feel it in my sad bastard body. I need a hit, man, and Grouper’s got the sad stuff. - Tom Sowders

Dustin K. Britt is a Durham-based performing arts critic and award-winning theatre artist. He is the managing editor of Chatham Life & Style and provides content for IndyWeek and Carolina Parent. In your spare time, you can stalk him on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  

Melvyn Brown is a musician (Toothsome, Broads, NONCANON, Ladies Auxiliary) and writer from Greensboro, NC who is also passionate about the Four Ts: taking photographs, Thai food, technology, and thrift stores. His appreciation of Scotch whisky is not necessarily related to Steely Dan. You can follow him on Twitter, Instagram, or at generalclearinghouse.com

JON FOSTER IS A MAIL-ARTIST, TEACHER, AND PASSIONATE DEFENDER OF MATH ROCK. 

EDDIE GARCIA PLAYS GUITAR AND ALL THE PEDALS AS 1970S FILM STOCK. YOU CAN ALSO HEAR HIM REPORTING ON NPR AFFILIATE 88.5 WFDD IN WINSTON-SALEM, NC. IN THE WEE HOURS HE RUNS PEDAL FUZZ, WHICH IS A PROUD RECIPIENT OF A GRANT FROM THE ARTS ENTERPRISE LAB / KENAN INSTITUTE FOR THE ARTS.

Tom Sowders pirouettes angrily through the streets of downtown Raleigh. Like really aggressively, really windmilling his arms around. His hobbies are not using his PhD and fronting the band Toothsome. 

[constant-ringing]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Here’s some stuff from 2017 that I liked. Not sure why you’re reading this, honestly. No particular order for anything.

Full-Lengths

BROCKHAMPTON - Saturation I, II, and III

Forest Swords - Compassion

Nnamdi Ogbonnaya - Drool

SZA - CTRL

Sampha - Process

Power Trip - Nightmare Logic

Ibibio Sound Machine - Uyai

Shilpa Ray - Door Girl

Career Suicide - Action Response

Idles - Brutalism

Nexul - Paradigm of Chaos

Tetragrammacide - Primal Incinerators of Moral Matrix

Bell Witch - Mirror Reaper

Iglooghost - Neō Wax Bloom

Woe - Hope Attrition

Bibio - Phantom Brickworks

Jlin - Black Origami

Protomartyr - Relatives In Descent

Ellen Arkbro - For Organ and Brass

Oxbow - Thin Black Duke

Honorable Mentions

Lingua Ignota - All Bitches Die

Midnight - Sweet Death and Ecstasy

Rapsody - Laila’s Wisdom

Algiers - The Underside of Power

Ascended Dead - Abhorrent Manifestation

Phrenelith - Desolate Endscape

Heresiarch - Death Ordinance

Guerilla Toss - GT Ultra

William Basinski - A Shadow In Time

Necrot - Blood Offerings

Some Notes

Only ____ Is Real: I really liked death metal this year. Had to cut some releases out of my lists so the moribund wouldn’t overrule the living. In addition to the heat above, the old guard came though: Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Obituary all had solid offerings and Morbid Angel returned to their damn senses. 

Trash Compactor: Everything else was lacking for me. I didn’t care for most of the big ticket punk/hardcore releases (in the MRR sense or any other), nor did I like any of the Pitchfork darlings that aren’t on the lists above. DAMN. is overrated af, y’all. Accept truth. “For the streets” now means “for the basics / focus groups / DJ Akademiks clones of the world”. Nothing wrong with that, unless you were hoping that an emcee at the top of his game would stop pandering to Big Sean fans. 

Rotting Nostalgia: I love At the Drive-In, LCD Soundsystem, Converge and Full of Hell. I did not love the 2017 albums by these bands. Prurient’s Frozen Niagara Falls is possibly my favorite album of 2015. I can’t tell you how Rainbow Mirror fares, because that shit is over three hours long and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Loveless > Lovelorn: I’m going to shout out the Moses Sumney LP for a second, because even though I didn’t love it as much as I wanted to, Sumney showed incredible potential and he (finally finally fucking finally!) created a space for something that resonates with me deeply - the heartache of the aromantic black man. 

Ehhhhhhhhh: Despite everything here, I really wasn’t that deep into music this year. From the looks of things, I don’t think I missed much.

Oh Shit, I Almost Forgot - EPs

Death Worship - Extermination Mass

Death Grips - Steroids (Crouching Tiger Hidden Gabber)

Klein - Tommy

Moor Mother x Mental Jewelry - Crime Waves

Paul White [ft. Danny Brown] - Accelerator

Midnight - Shox of Violence

Thantifaxath - Void Masquerading As Matter

Denzel Curry - 13

Witch Vomit - Poisoned Blood

Kamasi Washington - Harmony of Difference

Live Sets

Midnight (Neptune Theatre, Seattle, WA)

Lebenden Toten (Vera Project, also Seattle)

Cold Sweat (ditto)

Mykki Blanco (Neumos + also Capitol Hill Block Party, Seattle)

Xylitol (Obsidian, Olympia, WA)

Limp Wrist (same)

Cattle Decapitation (yes, this was in Seattle too)

Sun Ra Arkestra (Seattle Union Transfer, Philadelphia, PA)

Void Omnia (Barboza, caught only like 15 minutes of their set but these dudes are crazy good live)

Danny Brown (every Danny set is the best set he has ever played. CHBP.)

Top Ten Miscellany

Quitting social media. If you don’t know, you don’t need to.

Therapy, Mental Health, and Accountability

Taking lifting seriously for the first time ever

Leaving procurement after five shit-eating years

I seriously love my friends who stuck around for me and would not accept “I’m toxic and I’m trash” for an answer

Watching #MeToo unfurl from the sidelines

Bojack Horseman. All of it.

The Undoing Project: A Friendship That Changed Our Minds by Michael Lewis

Kedai Makan is a goddamn Seattle treasure.

The hope for more much-needed growth, healing, and ownership next year and beyond

I’m not coming back for a while. See you’ll, space cowards.