#y’all need to stop taking social media so goddamn seriously

[fortunesfated]

hey here’s a hot take but if you don’t like it genuinely can’t stand the people you’re in a fan space for, maybe reconsider!

[artificialqueens]

Blue Neighborhood Series: TALK ME DOWN (Group) - Mac

AN: A million thanks to Meggie who I would simply die without. Thanks to her for beta-ing and being a star. Thanks to the people that always leave comments, it really warms my heart! Seriously. So thank you!

This chapter is a LOT longer than the others, but I hope you like it anyway. Much love!

Summary: Heidi’s boyfriend cheats on her and the neighborhood comes together to get revenge.

This was not the way Heidi envisioned this afternoon going.

She had expected to be sitting in her regular spot in the overcrowded bleachers cheering and screaming like a crazy woman. She would be wearing his jersey, his number and last name printed neatly on her back, declaring to everyone that she had worth. She was dating a guy on the football team, goddamn it. She mattered.

She hadn’t expected to be sobbing on her floor with a bottle of expired rosé and eleven girls looking at her with concern.

Crystal had called them, Heidi was sure of it. She was the only one Heidi had told originally, after Widow and Dahlia of course. She hadn’t really meant to tell them, but they had overheard the fight that started it all.

Heidi had been minding her business. Making her way down to the art room, rather than her calculus class, as was her routine at this point because fuck math. Nothing Heidi wanted or would do in the future had anything to do with math. She had made that promise to herself a long time ago. Right after she had sworn that the first thing she would do in college would be to buy a jar of peanut butter and eat the entire container for breakfast.

That was beside the point. Heidi didn’t need math, and she definitely didn’t need calculus; she still wasn’t entirely convinced that anyone needed calculus. For all she knew it could be a damn government conspiracy. It sure sounded like it.

As she was wandering toward the art room, trying to reason out if calculus was indeed a scam created by the government, her attention was pulled by the sound of a familiar voice.

She thought she had imagined it at first because there was no sign of anyone else in the hallway, but a moment later she heard the voice again. It seemed to be coming from the janitor’s closet. She heard a decidedly female giggle a few moments later, and her curiosity got the better of her. Heidi was nosey, she admitted that openly, and she inched closer to the door, straining her ear for the voices.

She pressed her ear to the door after another loud chuckle could be heard through the strong wood. It was a boy and a girl, that much was clear, and if Heidi knew her peers, she knew what was about to go down.

As she pulled her ear away, something in the male’s voice caught her attention. There was that familiar upward lilt, and she could practically hear the smile in his words.

Heidi’s body made the connection before her mind did, because she had the sudden feeling she was going to be sick.

She threw the janitor’s closet door open to reveal her boyfriend of three months with a random girl in his lap.

Heidi didn’t give them a second to breathe before she started yelling. And she didn’t remember when or where they came from, but before Heidi could blink, Widow and Dahlia were on either side of her yelling at him too.

Jacob gave lame excuses and begged her to stay, but Heidi ignored his impassioned pleas and went to storm off. Instead, she found her face wet with tears and two strong bodies leading her down the hall.

Widow made sure the coast was clear before pulling Heidi into the bathroom. Dahlia started talking calmly to her, trying to get her to stop crying, while Widow dabbed at Heidi’s eyes with paper towels.

It only occurred to Heidi that she hadn’t properly spoken to either girl in nearly four years of high school.

She held up a hand to stop Widow, words coming out between sniffles. “Why y’all being so nice?���

Widow smiled lightly, knowingly, and shrugged. “We’ve all been there, sis.”

“Men fucking suck,” Dahlia chimed in.

Widow rolled her eyes. “Just cause you in love with someone else’s boyfriend doesn’t mean all men suck.”

“I didn’t mean Joe, you bitch.” Dahlia elbowed her friend in the side. “And I’m not in love with him.”

“Mhmm, sure you ain’t.” Widow shot a look at Heidi as if to say she totally is.

It made Heidi laugh. Louder than she meant to, sooner than she thought she would. Widow and Dahlia just smiled encouragingly at her and went back to helping her clean up and calm down.

Dahlia ran to her locker to grab her makeup bag and the three girls spent half an hour touching up their makeup, or in Heidi’s case, redoing it.

As the bell for lunch rang, Dahlia and Widow both gave hugs to Heidi and walked her over to the art room. Jackie and Crystal were talking quietly and abruptly stopped when the three girls entered.

Dahlia murmured something to Widow about needing to go and the two gave one last reassuring look to Heidi, as well as their phone numbers before leaving.

Crystal was all over her in seconds. “What happened? Are you okay? What’s going on? Have you been crying?”

Heidi just shook her head and said something about Jacob being an asshole and them breaking up. She didn’t want to get into the whole thing, embarrassed enough as it was. Jackie nodded her head sympathetically, but Crystal looked at her hard like she could tell there was more to the story.

Nicky entered a few moments later and the looks of concern and warning stopped her in her tracks.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Boy troubles,” Jackie answered simply.

Nicky walked over to Heidi and gave her a quick hug, before pulling back and addressing Jackie and Crystal. “Who do I need to kill?”

“Yeah, where did you say he lived again?” Jackie asked.

Crystal chimed in. “Drop the pin, girl, we just wanna talk.”

Heidi chuckled lightly and brushed off their concerns with a wave of her hand. “It’s fine. He’ll get what’s coming to him.”

“If I have anything to say about it, you’re damn right he will,” Nicky said, concerningly serious.

Heidi had no intention of telling anyone what really happened, but Crystal followed her after lunch and cornered her at her locker under the guise of making sure she was okay. Heidi told her the whole sordid story and how she had been suspicious for a little while but hadn’t wanted to say anything.

Crystal hugged her close and with a familiar sadness in her eyes, she assured Heidi that everything would be okay.

So now here Heidi was, with the entire neighborhood staring at her, unsure of what the next move was. If Heidi could stop crying enough to see, she would see the variety of people that had come to show their support. It was a verifiable breakfast club moment, with each school archetype represented in some capacity.

It was weird as all hell and the tension in the room only ratched up a notch when Crystal cleared her throat. “Okay so, umm, how about everybody sits down and we can talk about the plan.”

The group of girls lingered for a moment, before shuffling to find a place in Heidi’s small bedroom to sit or lay or stand.

“There’s a plan?” Widow asked, settling down on the bed next to Heidi and Jackie.

Crystal nodded firmly. “Yes, there’s a plan.”

“That’s news to me.” Widow turned to look down at Jan, who sat on the floor. She just shrugged. “Did you know there was a plan?”

“What kind of plan?” Gigi piped up.

“Is it illegal?” Rock asked nervously.

“Wait hold up what?” Jaida exclaimed. “Who said anything about illegal? I thought we were just havin’ a girl’s night.”

“Okay, everyone shut up!” Crystal called out over the many voices. The group of girls quieted down, and Crystal gave them a small grin before she turned to Nicky. “Can you bring that whiteboard over here?” She motioned to the portable whiteboard she had brought from home.

“She brought a whiteboard?” Jackie whispered to Aiden who rolled her eyes.

The girls gathered around, scooting forward to see Crystal in all her glory.

“Okay, so, thank you all for coming.” Crystal smiled politely at the group. She turned to the whiteboard and winced when the marker screeched out as she wrote. “Welcome to operation Jac-ass. I—”

“Wait when did we decide on that name?” Jan called out.

Brita seconded her. “Was there a vote? Did we miss the vote?”

“Why can’t we just call it Operation Revenge?” Jackie asked.

Jan shook her head. “That’s so boring.”

“Guys! Pay attention!” Crystal reprimanded. She took a deep breath in and out before continuing.“As you all know, that dipshit Jacob hurt our dear friend Heidi. He’s a cheating scumbag and he needs to pay.”

“I love a good revenge killing,” Nicky spoke quietly.

Jaida’s jaw dropped in shock. “Hold up, who said anything about killing?”

“Wait, you want us to murder him?” Rock asked incredulously.

“No! Guys! Pay attention!” Crystal sighed. “We’re going to pull some good old fashioned pranks on him. We’ll split up into smaller groups to cover more ground. Quite a few pranks I planned take place in his house so we need someone to distract him at the football game.”

Everyone turned to look at Dahlia.

“Oh, so I’m the bait?” Dahlia raised an eyebrow at the other girl’s looks. After a moment she shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

Crystal smiled appreciatively, but Dahlia ignored her and started picking at her nail beds.

“So, we need a group to deface Jacob’s jersey in the school gym, a group to vandalize his car, a group to steal all but two remotes in his house, and a group to stay back with Heidi and work on destroying his character on social media.” Crystal smiled wickedly. “Then we’re all gonna egg his house.”

A few of the girls looked at Crystal in surprise, and while a few of them cheered, Jaida just looked around at them with concern.

“Hold up, you guys are just totally fine with this? Half of this shit is illegal.”

“It’s not that illegal,” Aiden defended.

“She fucking wrote ‘vandalize his car’ on the whiteboard,” Jaida argued.

“I think it serves him right,” Jan chimed in. “I’ll do the jersey one.”

Jaida rolled her eyes. “I guess that’s the least problematic one.”

Crystal nodded. “Okay, then Jan and Jaida you guys can go deface his jersey in the gym—”

“Wait, why only two of them?” Gigi interrupted.

For the first time that night, Crystal looked at Gigi. The tension in the room seemed to skyrocket the longer the two girls looked at each other.

“You can join them if you really want,” Crystal said, voice devoid of emotion.

Gigi nodded.

Crystal looked away and Heidi could tell she was mentally trying to regroup. “Ummm, Winona, you and Brita—”

“I’m good at the petty blocking and social media stuff,” Widow cut her off.

“Okay,” Crystal looked back at the group of girls, her groupings having been thrown off. “Brita, Jackie, and… Aiden, I guess, you guys can do the inside jobs.”

The three girls looked at each other strangely but nodded.

“Then that leaves Nicky and me to vandalize his car,” Crystal said, looking up at the group.

The nervous energy seemed to spike in the small bedroom as the silence took over. Each girl acutely aware that the present company was unusual for her, and yet none of them were as uncomfortable as they should be, all things considered.

“Alright team, let’s move.”

…

Jackie smiled hesitantly at her group.

It was strange.

Jackie only ever really hung out with one friend group at a time, so having them merge like this was… strange.

She and Aiden had a completely different relationship dynamic than she and Brita. Neither was more or less intense than the other, they were just different.

That was made evident when both Brita and Aiden tried to sit in her passenger seat.

They awkwardly offered it to each other for ten minutes until Aiden sat in the back.

Jackie waved to Nicky and Crystal as they passed before getting in and starting her own car. Heidi had told her where the spare key was and that was it. Jacob’s parents were out of town and Jackie, Brita, and Aiden were supposed to go into his house and steal some television remotes and get out.

The plan was for everyone to do their own separate tasks and meet back up at Jacob’s house to egg it. To do that, they needed eggs. Since Jackie’s group was already going to be at the house, they had the most time to run to the store. So as Jackie’s car hummed to life, she mentally mapped out the path to the nearest grocery store and waited for the other groups to head out.

Halfway into their journey, Aiden mentioned that they ought to do more.

“Listen, I’m just saying. He’s a shit head. He deserves a lot worse than a few missing remotes.”

“Well, what do you suggest?” Jackie asked.

Aiden shrugged. “Nair in his shampoo.”

“Jesus, Aiden,” Jackie exhaled harshly. “That’s insane.”

“No, I agree,” Brita chimed in.

“Brita!”

The cheerleader just shrugged. “Go big or go home, right?”

Jackie shook her head fiercely. “That could do like, permanent damage.”

“Oh, c’mon, it’ll just make his scalp itchy for a while, it won’t burn him irrevocably,” Aiden said.

“No! We aren’t doing that.”

Despite her protests, ten minutes later, Jackie found herself in the beauty aisle holding a carton of eggs in one hand and a bottle of Nair in the other. Aiden and Brita had disappeared in the store, fueling each other’s weirdly specific revenge fantasies.

The three girls met back up at the checkout line. Aiden and Brita each had three cartons of eggs, additionally, Aiden had a bag of Jolly Ranchers and a box of instant mashed potatoes.

Jackie didn’t ask.

The house was silent and dark when they approached. It looked normal. Completely and utterly boring and normal. Not like the scum of the earth lived there.

Jackie cut into the other two girls chatting animatedly in the backseat to point out that they did in fact have something to do and weren’t on a joyride. Brita’s cheeks heated up after the admonishment, but Aiden only rolled her eyes.

The three girls piled out of the car and walked up to the front door cautiously. Jackie worried her lip between her teeth as she lifted up the potted plant to find the spare key.

The house was empty, just as Heidi promised. It felt eerie with all the lights out, but Jackie pushed forward, scoping out the living room. Aiden and Brita followed in after her, whispering back and forth. Jackie heard something about shorting out the electricity and she stopped, whipping around to confront her teammates.

“Okay, so what the hell are you guys doing?”

Brita looked at Aiden for confirmation in the form of a nod. As soon as she got it, she launched into a rambly explanation about how she had watched this video on youtube about putting instant mashed potatoes in a yard and then spraying them with a hose. Apparently it was impossible to clean up. The same video also said something about licking and sticking Jolly Ranchers onto windows so that they shattered when you tried to pull them off.

Jackie’s stomach dropped. “You guys are talking about serious property damage here!” she almost yelled.

Brita nodded, oblivious as to why that would be an issue.

Aiden sighed. “Listen, he deserves it.”

“But his parents also live here.”

“They should have raised him better,” Aiden countered.

Jackie shook her head.“We don’t know all the facts.”

“We know enough.”

Jackie looked at her hard. “Why are you so hell-bent on this? Why are you so angry?”

Aiden blinked twice, clearly not expecting Jackie to have paid much attention to her. But Jackie knew. Aiden liked to pride herself on being a quiet observer, picking up on things most people would miss, but Jackie had learned a thing or two over the years. Aiden was pissed. She wasn’t showing it outwardly, but her hands had been clenching and unclenching into fists since she heard the story.

“It’s Heidi,” Aiden said simply. “I can’t stand the bitch most days, but…”

“You care about her,” Brita filled in the rest of her sentence.

Aiden nodded once, firmly, before looking both girls in the eye. “But if you tell her that, I’ll kill you both.”

Jackie shook her head, smiling. Brita just chuckled.

“Alright, fine. He sucks, Let’s fuck his shit up.”

…

Nicky smiled patiently as Crystal shoved her planning materials back into her bag, a strand of her red hair falling into her eyes as she bent over.

“You ready?” Crystal asked, turning to Nicky with a determined look.

Nicky just nodded and followed her outside. They each gave Heidi a hug as they headed to the door and Crystal whispered something that Nicky couldn’t make out before they left. It must have been important because Heidi held fast to her hands and whispered a response. Crystal just shook her head with a sad smile and turned back to Nicky.

They ran into the other girls in the driveway, Jackie and her group were bickering about something or other, but briefly waved before piling into Crystal’s tiny two-seater car.

Nicky would usually complain about how small the car was and how ridiculous she felt having to bend her model-like frame in half to fit inside, but she sensed Crystal’s nerves and bit her tongue on a smart remark.

Crystal started driving; they were the first ones headed out from the house and they drove in silence for all of about three seconds before Crystal snapped her head over to look at Nicky.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? It’s so quiet in here, should we listen to some music? You can put on some music so it’s not so quiet in here—”

“Crystal?” Nicky cut her off.

“Yeah?” Crystal exhaled.

“You haven’t ever done anything like this before,” Nicky said. There was no question in her words.  

“No, and I’m kinda freaking out if you couldn’t tell.”

Nicky chuckled. “Oh, I could tell.”

“Well…” Crystal hinted, nervous energy in her voice causing a smile to spread across Nicky’s face.

“Well, what?”

“Say something encouraging! Or distract me! I’m freaking out here, I’ve never done anything illegal before,” Crystal worried.

Nicky smiled widely. “You’re cute when you’re stressed.”

It was dark, but Nicky could make out Crystal’s flush reaching her hairline.

“Did that help?” she asked teasingly.

“I-I… don’t know.”

Nicky chuckled and Crystal looked over to her with a smile on her face. “You gave us the easiest job,” Nicky said reassuringly. “All we have to do is slash his tires and spray paint a few bad words on his car. What could go wrong?”

“Don’t say that!” Crystal exclaimed. “You’re gonna jinx us!”

Nicky rolled her eyes. “It’s gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

They arrived at the school parking lot which, despite the team’s losing record, was heavily crowded. Only their school could lose every game and still draw such a crowd. Nicky counted them lucky though at that moment, seeing as the football team was so bad, the cheerleaders never had to attend any of their games. Which made this whole revenge plot a lot easier.

Nicky pulled out her phone and opened the group chat Crystal had made for all the girls. Heidi had sent a picture of what his car looked like, and the two girls spent a while going up and down the rows of cars before finding the vehicle in question.

Crystal parked her car and they hopped out. Nicky followed Crystal’s lead as she went around to open the trunk, pulling out a hefty looking duffle bag full of spray paint.

“I’m an art kid,” Crystal said by way of an explanation.

Nicky held up her hands. “I wasn’t gonna ask.”

Crystal threw the bag over her shoulder, a look of realization passed over her features as she moved to close the trunk. “Oh fuck.”

“What?”

Crystal’s hand went to worry her forehead. “I don’t have anything sharp to pop the tires with.”

Nicky held up a finger and rummaged around in her pockets for a few moments before coming back with a switchblade.

Crystal looked at her, mouth hanging open. “Nic, what the fuck?”

“What? It’s for self-defense.”

Crystal stared at her wide-eyed. “Have you done this before?”

“Oh, ma belle, too many times to count.”

Crystal just raised an eyebrow. “Lots of cheaters in France?”

“Lots of men in France.”

Crystal laughed, poorly concealing her nerves. Nicky reached over and squeezed her hand once for reassurance, ignoring the sudden increase in heart rate in favor of comforting her friend.

The two walked over to the car and Crystal paused. “So… should we—”

Nicky cut her off by pulling out the blade and stabbing it forcefully into one of the tires.

“Nicky!”

“You were taking too long!” she exclaimed.

Crystal just shook her head and started uncapping the spray paint. The hissing sound of the tires and the paint cans filled the anxious silence.

The whole ordeal took only about ten minutes. Nicky popped three of the four tires because apparently insurance only covered the damage for four. The words ‘cheater’ and ‘pig’ as well as a few other choice adjectives covered Jacob’s shiny new Lexus.

Crystal’s hands shook the entire time, and Nicky teased her lightly but ultimately ended up spray painting the rest of the vehicle. The two ran back to Crystal’s car, not that they needed to as the whole school was still focused on the game, but the adrenaline flowed hot through their veins and made them both giggle as they collapsed back into Crystal’s car.

Only after catching her breath did Nicky notice how close Crystal was. She admired the way the younger girl’s lips quirked up at the sides of her mouth and her eyes creased at the edges. Nicky could practically feel Crystal’s breaths against her cheek, and they were suddenly coming faster.

Crystal seemed to realize this at the same moment because she looked away and fumbled around for something. “I should probably text the group.”

Crystal pulled out her phone with shaky hands. Nicky didn’t back away, content to breathe in Crystal’s presence for as long as she could before the younger girl pulled away.

“Why didn’t you pair yourself up with Gigi?” Nicky asked before she could think better of it.

Crystal nearly dropped her phone. “Oh, y-you know. Can’t make it too obvious.”

Nicky raised one eyebrow skeptically. “Right.”

Crystal looked back down at her phone and bit her lip.

Nicky knew she had hit on something. The younger girl always seemed to get weirdly tense when she mentioned her crush on the cheerleader. And not in the embarrassed, nervous sort of way that she got when Nicky flirted with her. Crystal got… sad almost.

“Gigi was being so weird when Jan and Jaida paired up,” Nicky threw out, seeing if she could get Crystal to bite.

“Yeah, I guess,” Crystal shrugged, a bit too eager to change the subject.

Nicky pushed on.“Since that picture of them came out I thought it made sense for them to go together.” Crystal didn’t say anything, staring hard at her blank phone screen. “Are Jan and Jaida trying to keep on the down-low?”

“I don’t know!” Crystal snapped.

Nicky balked at this. “Sorry. Didn’t know it mattered that much to you.”

“No, I’m sorry. I just…” Crystal sighed. “Let’s not talk about them right now.”

Nicky nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

Crystal turned the key and the car hummed to life. “The jersey group is done so we can head over to Jacob’s place now.”

“Cool.”

The sudden silence in the car was deafening.

…

Gigi breathed in and out slowly as she looked between Jan and Jaida.

This was fine. Everything was totally fine.

It’s just that the whole school was under the impression that Jan and Jaida were sleeping together when they weren’t, but Gigi couldn’t really come out and say that because that would expose the fact that Gigi was actually the one sleeping with Jaida.

But Jaida and Jan weren’t exactly trying to get rid of the rumors, having been seen hanging out during school hours. Not to mention during practice.

Jan had come back to school after a few days, pretended like everything was fine, her usual bubbly self back in full force. No one seemed to question it. And no one seemed to notice the extra attention given to the women’s varsity basketball team captain. Except for Gigi.

“So, um, do either of you have like, spray paint or something?” Jaida asked.

Jan perked up immediately and mentioned something about some prom committee mockups and how she had a whole bunch of paint left over.

“You would have a closet full of paint,” Jaida chuckled, sounding oddly comfortable in Jan’s presence.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” the younger girl exclaimed.

“Oh, nothin’ Miss President.” Jaida shook her head with a smile.

Jan rolled her eyes fondly and bit at the corner of her mouth to hide her own smile, even going so far as to look down at the floor to avoid eye contact.

Gigi watched this whole interaction with a raised eyebrow.

“Cool, so we can just hop over to yours and head to school,” Gigi cut in.

Jan looked up quickly, almost like she had forgotten Gigi was there. “Yeah, sure.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jaida nodded.

The three girls said their goodbyes to Heidi and weaved through the other groups before walking the short distance across the street to Jan’s house. The student body president told them she’d only be a minute as she disappeared into the house.

Gigi turned to face Jaida who had her arms crossed and was looking anywhere but at her. The tension only grew when Gigi went to speak.

“Jaida—”

The older girl shook her head. “Nah, Princess. Not tonight,” Jaida wouldn’t even look at her, the pavement beneath their feet holding her attention.

Gigi scoffed. “You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

Jaida raised her gaze and the look in her eyes made the few feet between them suddenly feel like miles. Jaida blinked at her once, twice, and shook her head. “Don’t need to.”

“Jaida—” Gigi cursed her voice for coming out desperate and clingy, though she knew it was the truth.

The basketball player just shook her head. “We talked about this, Princess.”

They hadn’t. Not really. Jaida had texted her the day after the picture leaked, said they should talk, but so much had happened since. They just hadn’t found time.

So no, they hadn’t talked, apart from the previous conversations where they promised not to fool around anymore, only to go back on that promise a few hours later.

Gigi wanted to say more, wanted to yell or scream, make herself heard. But she didn’t. She just looked at her feet.

And that was it. They waited in uncomfortable silence for another thirty seconds before Jan emerged, smiling proudly with three cans of spray paint.

Jaida led them over to her truck, opening the door and offering a hand to help each of the girls up. Gigi tried not to read too much into the fact that Jan was sitting in the passenger seat, while Gigi had been pushed to the back.

The car ride was relatively silent, at least on Gigi’s part. Jan and Jaida made comfortable small talk and laughed like old friends. Gigi did her best to ignore them, focusing instead on counting the streetlamps they passed.

The school building was dark, illuminated only by the stadium lights in the distance. Jaida pulled into her usual spot and hopped out to offer her hand again to help the girls down, this time, Gigi didn’t take it.

There was a flash of hurt on Jaida’s face, but it disappeared as soon as it came.

Jan seemed oblivious to their interaction as she approached the school, scoping out the building for any way inside. They were lucky the art room door was propped open, making their entrance to the school relatively easy. The dark, empty hallways filled Gigi’s chest with a weird feeling that she couldn’t altogether name. It was strange, seeing this place she had spent four years practically living out of, abandoned. She felt a weird sort of nostalgia take root in her stomach and she shook her head.

This night was bringing out all these… feelings in her that she’d rather not admit.

The three girls came to a stop in the middle of the gym, scanning the walls for Jacob’s last name.

Jan spotted it first, pointing to the far wall. “That’s his.”

The glass-enclosed jersey was high up on the wall, higher than Gigi had expected. There was no way, even with all their cheerleading prowess, and Jaida’s long legs, for them to deface the jersey from the ground. They needed something more.

“There’s a ladder outside the theatre,” Jan offered. “They’re doing some construction stuff with the stage I think.”

“I’ll go grab that.” Jaida said firmly, heading toward the gym doors. Gigi couldn’t help but think that she had volunteered in order to put as much distance between them as possible.

“Holler if you need help,” Jan called after her.

Jaida spun around and gave her a wink. “Will do, Miss President.”

Gigi waited until the sound of Jaida’s footsteps faded out before turning to look hard at Jan.

The older girl looked right back, before sighing. “What?”

Gigi did her best to school her features, only allowing one eyebrow to raise in suspicion.“What the fuck is going on with you two?”

“Nothing, we’ve just been talking,” Jan said unconvincingly.

“Mhmm, yeah that looks like just talking.” Gigi couldn’t help the bitterness from seeping into her words.

Jan’s head snapped up to meet Gigi’s eyes, something burned in her dark brown orbs, and Gigi almost gasped aloud at the sight. The sight of her friend truly angry was a rare occurrence.

“What the hell do you care?” Jan snapped. Regret flashed in her eyes a second later, but she stood firm in her words.

Gigi sighed, imploring Jan to listen. “I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

Something in her tone must have tipped Jan off because the older girl took a step back in shock. “W-we’re just friends. It’s not like that.”

Gigi knew. Of course, she knew. Jaida wasn’t like that. No matter how much she liked to portray herself as the cocky player type, she never could commit all the way. The prime example being how she always texted Gigi after they fucked to make sure she was okay. Jaida tried to be arrogant and cocky, but her eyes always gave her away.

“I know. Just… Be careful with her, okay?” God, why did her voice nearly break just then? Gigi needed to get it together, needed to get all these emotions clogging up her lungs to stop. She needed to be able to breathe again.

“Gigi, what—”

Jan was cut off by Jaida returning, ladder held tightly to her chest. Gigi didn’t notice the way Jaida’s muscles bulged out around the metal rungs of the ladder. Not at all.

They decided that Gigi should be the one to actually do the defacing, which was fine by her. Jaida and Jan held the ladder firmly in place as she ascended the steps. She did her best not to look down and focus only on the next step in front of her.

Gigi’s legs still shook.

She wrote ‘cheater’ in big letters over where his last name was and did her best rendition of a hand flipping the bird. Jan and Jaida teased her about messing up the number of fingers on a hand and Gigi let herself laugh a bit, the tension in her gut dissipating with each heave of her shoulders.

As Gigi descended the ladder still shaking, they heard footsteps. They exchanged a wide-eyed glance before booking it toward the gym doors that lead outside.

They heard the footsteps increase their pace, but didn’t look back until they had sprinted out to the parking lot.

They ducked behind Jaida’s truck just as the gym doors slammed open on their hinges. The footsteps resumed and began to walk up and down the rows of cars. Instinctively, Gigi reached her hand out towards Jaida. When her brain caught up with her, Gigi went to lower her hand, but Jaida grabbed it, squeezing it twice in reassurance.

Gigi’s heart jumped wildly in her chest at the gesture, and she didn’t have it in her to scold it.

The person following them must have given up, because the footsteps retreated a moment later. The three girls breathed out a collective sigh of relief, and if Jan noticed Gigi and Jaida’s fingers intertwined, she didn’t mention it.

They made sure the coast was clear before piling back into Jaida’s truck and texting the group chat. The sound of Jaida’s tires peeling out of the parking lot rang in Gigi’s head.

…

The moment everyone left the house, Heidi started crying. She couldn’t stop the tears and the sobs that wracked her small frame.

She felt a solid pair of arms wrap around her shoulders and hold her tightly. She buried her face into the mass of Rock’s cotton candy pink hair, sniffling as she heard whispered words of encouragement. Widow patted her back soothingly and typed away on her phone.

After an immeasurable amount of time, Rock pulled back to wipe Heidi’s tears away with the pads of her fingers. The older girl gave her a weak smile, which only made Heidi want to cry more.

Widow, sensing this, cut in and spoke in a calm but firm voice. “No, no more of that, we ain’t crying over no stupid boy.”

Heidi looked up at her through bleary eyes. Widow gave her a reassuring smile and took her hand. “Come with me.”

“What are we doing?” Heidi questioned.

Widow sat Heidi down at her mirror and started surveying her makeup products. “We…” She motioned Rock over. “Are doing a good ole fashion makeover.”

Rock squealed excitedly beside her, and however much Heidi was not in the mood for this, she sighed. What could it hurt?

Widow made to start picking up products, but after two minutes, Rock shooed her away, claiming that she could take care of this part. Widow backed off and sat on Heidi’s bed, connecting her phone to a portable speaker and blasting some feel-good music at the highest volume setting.

Rock hummed under her breath and Widow chimed in every five or so minutes with a compliment on how great Heidi looked. It was almost comfortable.

But something in Heidi was still nagging at her. Crystal’s words as she had exited the house, she had said, “I know from personal experience.” Heidi knew for a fact the only person Crystal had ever dated was Gigi. It suddenly made sense as to why she was taking this whole revenge planning so seriously.

Rock, oblivious to the cogs turning in Heidi’s head, smiled at her sadly as a single tear escaped the side of Heidi’s eye. She brushed it away quickly and kissed the top of her forehead before continuing on her blush. Heidi felt her heart take root in her chest and ache at the tenderness.

She needed to distract herself or she would start crying for a completely different reason. She turned to look at Widow who was looking down at her phone and typing wildly.

“What are you doing?” Heidi asked.

Widow looked up, a mischievous smile on her face. “Just signing Jacob up for the Scientology email subscription service. As well as about sixty others.” Heidi’s eyes went wide as Widow continued talking. “And I’ve hit up all his friends on the football team, called in a few of Dahlia’s favors, they’ll be waiting for him after the game tonight. They aren’t fond of cheaters.” It was Rock’s turn to look at Widow shocked. “Oh, and I may have set you up with seven or so different guys to rebound with, you can pick your favorite from the list.”

Heidi just stared at Widow, mouth hanging open in shock.

“You’re welcome,” she said.

Rock shook her head and chuckled before going back to add the finishing touches on Heidi’s makeup.

“Now we’ve got to pick out an outfit…” Widow said hopping off the bed.

Widow blew through her closet like a hurricane, throwing out dresses and skirts and shirts and pants and accessories. Rock, bless her, was scrambling about, picking up all the thrown clothing articles and putting them back in their proper place.

Widow finally stopped when she came to a pastel blue sundress. It was off the shoulder, covered in ruffles, with neat brown buttons lined up nicely down the middle of the dress. She held it up to Heidi’s confused glance, before sighing and throwing the dress at her.

“Let’s go, bitch, we got a photoshoot to do!” Widow exclaimed. “We gotta show him what he’s missin’” she said by way of an explanation.

Widow rushed Rock and Heidi, saying something about the lighting being off if they waited much longer. It was dark outside, so Heidi had no idea what she was on about, but she hurried anyway.

They piled into Widow’s car and sped off down the road.

It was then that Heidi noticed the massive camera bag in the passenger seat.

Widow admitted sheepishly that she was a bit of a photography geek, and would have joined the school newspaper if they hadn’t all been lame weirdos.

They stopped outside a local coffee shop. Then a grocery store. Then an elementary school. Then a gas station. Somehow, with only a camera and Rock’s phone flashlight, Widow managed to get hundreds of photos. She directed Heidi’s poses and bossed Rock around to get the best lighting angle. It ended up being a long endeavor and Heidi’s body ached after all the strange angles she had to hold. But in the same breath, she couldn’t help but smile at the lunacy of all of it. At one point she was sitting in a tipped-over shopping cart and looking directly up at the sky above her.

This was not at all how she envisioned her night going.

When Widow finally flipped the camera around to show Heidi the results, she nearly choked. Each and every photo looked like it belonged on the cover of a magazine. The high-quality image and the positioning of Heidi’s body had turned out looking downright professional.

Heidi just stared at the photos with wide eyes.

The longer she said nothing, the more Widow fidgeted. “These are just the raw ones, I can edit them to be whatever you want.”

Heidi just kept looking through them.

Widow’s voice tinged on anxious as she spoke next. “Sorry if I got a little carried away, I just thought about what would help me most if I were in your situation and I—”

“Thank you,” Heidi cut her off. She looked up to meet Widow’s eyes. “You got no idea how much this means.”

The anxiety faded from her face as Widow let a smile take over. “Yeah, ‘course.”

They were interrupted by Rock calling out their names. Heidi turned to see Rock holding her phone above her head. “It’s go time, ladies!”

…

As Widow’s car pulled up to the oh so familiar house, Heidi felt her stomach twist. This time it wasn’t in anger or guilt or fear. The sight of three other cars outside, as well as the crowd of girls gathering on the sidewalk in front of the house, filled Heidi’s chest with joy.

Widow put the car in park and Rock squeezed her hand, then before Heidi could blink, they were on the sidewalk in front of Jacob’s house. Had she not been surrounded on all sides by her friends she might have broken down, cried and screamed and yelled about how it wasn’t fair and how she had given everything to him.

But she wasn’t alone.

Jackie placed a gentle hand on her back and held out a carton of eggs. Heidi looked up at her and gave a smile. But before she did anything else, she pulled Crystal, who was watching her intensely, into a giant hug.

“Thank you,” Heidi whispered into her shoulder, attempting to convey her every emotion into those two syllables.

Crystal just nodded and squeezed her harder. “No problem.”

Heidi exhaled and turned back around to Jackie. She grabbed an egg, its smooth hard surface feeling firm in her hand.

She inhaled the past. Jacob’s sweet words, his dopey smile, the way he said her name, how he kissed her.

She exhaled.

And threw.

Before she knew it, eggs were breaking apart against the hard brick of the house from every direction. There were whoops and hollers and a general sense of catharsis.

Heidi looked on either side of her to see all the girls in her neighborhood getting in on the action, even quiet mannered Rock was chucking eggs like a sprinkler. Heidi couldn’t help but laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh.

God, she was so fucking sad just a few hours ago, sure that her life as she knew it would be over, and now, surrounded on all sides by girls, most of whom she hadn’t spoken to in years, she had never felt more loved.

[calpalirwin]

Bones

A/N: I’ve always loved this idea of having a girlfriend before he joined the band and her standing by his side through all the crazy adventures. “Bones” by Maren Morris paired rather nicely with that idea. So here y’all go

And away, and away we go!

~~~

“Wait what?” you asked, your eyes going wide. 

“We’re going to London to write songs! And if it works out we might even go on tour! Release a real album! Babe, we’re taking off! This is the big time!” Ashton told you again, excitedly. 

“Oh…” you said, your face falling.

“Babe, c’mon! You could at least be a little excited…”

“I am. This is great, Ash. You guys are gonna be rockstars,” the words fell from your mouth, flat and dead. This wasn’t a conversation you were ready to have. You had been dating Ashton since right before he joined the band almost a year ago. You knew he and the boys were serious about taking the band as far as it could go. You knew they were getting noticed. You knew it was only a matter of time before this exact conversation was going to happen- the conversation where he leaves and you stay. You weren’t ready to say goodbye.

“Y/N…” Ashton said, almost begging you to be happy for him. He wasn’t ready for this conversation either, but he and the boys had been waiting for this moment for so long and it was finally here. And all he wanted was for you to be just as happy as he was. 

“Ash… I don’t want to ruin this for you. But… what does this mean for us?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I really like being at university, Ash. I like my classes. I like my teachers. I like my life here, Ash.”

“I know. And I’m not asking you to give that up. But, Y/N, I gotta go.”

“No, I know, just… where does that leave us, Ash?”

“Well, I don’t want to break up...”

“I don’t want to either! But London? This is gonna be really hard.”

He wrapped you in a hug. “I know, baby, I know. But, we’ll make this work?”

You nodded into him. You owed it both of yourselves to at least try. A year long relationship wasn’t something you just walked away from. “The house don’t fall when the bones are good,” you told him.

“What?” he giggled.

“It’s a saying my grandparents had,” you explained. “It’s basically saying that when the foundation of a relationship is built correctly, nothing can tear it down. Go chase your dreams. I’m on your side every step of the way.”

“The house don’t fall when the bones are good,” he smiled. The phrase was so simple, yet it made his heart soar. He had been afraid that he would have to choose between chasing his dreams and keeping the girl. He was glad you were willing to do this together, even though you both knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

~~~

Two days later, you hugged your boyfriend goodbye at the airport, tears in your eyes. “I love you,” you mumbled into his chest. 

“I love you, too. I’ll let you know when we land. I’ll text all the time. I call every chance I get,” he spilled out promise after promise. “This is only the beginning, Y/N, you’ll see.”

“Just the beginning,” you smiled up at him. “I’ll miss you.”

“The house don’t fall when the bones are good,” he responded, kissing you one last time before he left for his adventure, leaving you behind to continue your own.

~~~

“Babe! We’re going on tour! With One Direction!” Ashton told you over Facetime a few months later.

“That’s great, Ash!” you congratulated.

“How are your classes going?”

“Ash,” you laughed, “you can’t just drop a bomb that you’re touring with One Direction and then ask me something mundane about university.”

“But you hear about my adventure all the time. I wanna hear about your adventure.”

You smiled. God, this boy was such a sweetheart. “Okay,” you said before catching him up on what you had been learning in all your classes.

After you ended your call, you checked your social media and saw a post Ashton had made. It was screenshot from his phone of his Facetime with you captioned “10,000 miles can’t change how crazy I am about this girl. #thehousedontfallwhenthebonesaregood”

~~~

“Ash!” you screamed, crashing into his body at full speed. It had been a long year, but finally, you were back in his arms. “You’re home!”

“God, I’ve missed you!” he said, wrapping his arms tight around you, wishing for time to stop.

“You stopped straightening your hair,” you smiled up at him, his curls free from the bondage of a straightener, but held back by a bandana. It was different, but it suited him.

“How long?” you asked, needing to know.

“Y/N, can we not do this now? I just want to enjoy my time with you.”

“I know, and I’m not trying to ruin this moment or fight with you. But, I need to know.”

“We’re touring again in 2 weeks. But just here, just in Australia. Bones still good?”

You nodded, “Always, Ash. God, I’m glad you’re home.”

~~~

“So, the band’s moving to LA...” Ashton started.

“Oh?” you asked. You had graduated university early. You had a job, but it was nothing serious. You had been waiting to hear about Ashton’s plans with the band, to see what next steps you would take yourself. LA sounded like as good a place as anywhere else to settle. Only, Ashton wasn’t asking you to come along.

“Yeah. We’re uh… well, we all got keys to our new places already. We don’t move until the first of next month though. So, we still got a few weeks.”

“We” was referring to you and him. So, he wasn’t asking you to move with him. He was just going to up and leave. Again.

“No,” you said, firmly, your anger making tears well up in your eyes. “No. No!”

“Baby, please…” Ashton begged, not wanting to fight with you.

“LA, Ashton?! As in California?! Moving?! NO!!!”

“Y/N, please don’t do this!”

“I’m not doing anything, Ashton! You’re the one who’s leaving! You’re always the one leaving and I’m always the one getting left behind! And now you’re moving?! To LA?!” You sat on the bed in your little apartment and wept. All you wanted for him to ask you to go with him. Why wasn’t that his first reaction?

“Y/N…” Ashton begged again, his own voice a choked sob.

“Every fuckin album!” you screamed suddenly, getting up and going to your bookshelf. You grabbed the CDs and started hurling them at Ashton. “I bought every fuckin album! Every time you leave, I listen to every goddamn song wondering which ones are about me! Every phone call I hear your voice become less Australian! I go to every show and rehearsal when you’re here so I can spend as much time as I can with you! I read every fuckin tabloid, scared shitless you found someone better like the other boys!” You paced the room as you ranted. “God, Ashton! I’m so happy for you and the band. Really, I am. I mean it with all my heart. But it doesn’t mean my heart isn’t also breaking every time we have to say goodbye.” You sat back on your bed feeling so exhausted. Why wasn’t he asking you to go with him?

“Y/N… baby, there will never be anybody else. Every song where Luke sings about the girl he misses and how he wants to be with her, that’s me singing about you. She Looks So Perfect? You, baby. That’s all you.”

“So, where’s my plane ticket and shiny diamond ring?” you half-joked, needing him to ask you so you could say yes; so he couldn’t leave you behind again.

“Wait, you’ll go to LA with me?” he asked, getting hopeful.

“Are you asking me?”

“Y/N… seriously. Would you move to LA with me if I asked.”

“Ask me and find out.”

“Move to LA with me, Y/N? Please, baby?”

“God, it took you long enough!”

“Wait, that’s why you were mad?!”

“Yes! God, Ash. You told me you were moving to LA and didn’t even ask if I wanted to come with you. Of course I got mad!”

“You,” he said, his hazel eyes shining, “are absolutely ridiculous! When I went to London, I was going to ask, but you said your life was here! How am I supposed to know that’s changed?”

“You just are, okay? You just are.”

He wrapped you in a hug. “I want you to know that I’m still mad you expect me to be able to read your mind, But, God, I’m so happy right now! We’re moving to LA!”

~~~

“Jeez, they act like you guys broke up,” you snickered over your morning coffee with Ashton.

“What?” he asked. You looked up at him and smiled. He looked so different now, so grown up. The blonde fringe, the long curls, even the bandana had faded over time. In their place had come his now short brown hair and too many tattoos to count. You were proud of him and his growth, both individually and as a band. And you were so grateful to have been by his side through it all. Even though some days, hell years even, had been hard, you’d go through it all again with him if it meant you had mornings just like this.

You passed your phone over to him so he could see the story you were reading. They had announced last week that they were releasing a new song soon, and the fans were acting like it was a reunion release. He rolled his eyes, passing you back your phone. “God, we were touring so long I felt most at home on a damn bus. So, now that we’re home for longer than a month to actually live a halfway normal life, they act like we’re reuniting? Fuckin hell…” he ranted.

“It’s alright, Ash,” you soothed. “It’s not like you guys haven’t been working. I mean, you guys are almost done with the album, yeah?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I need to talk to you about that, actually.”

“Oh?”

Another nod. “Yeah, after we release our single they want us to do a promotional tour. During which we’ll release the album, and then set up tour dates for that.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah. Promotional tour is March to June. Then the real tour is August to November. So… what are you doing today? Or for the rest of your life, for that matter?” he asked, sliding a small box over the table to you. His smirk was wide as he watched you open the box to reveal the ring inside. He’d been waiting for this moment for a long time now, and with the impending tour dates, now seemed as good as any other time to finally ask the question.

“Is this… Are you…” you stumbled over the words, tears filling your eyes.

He nodded. “Yep. Let’s go get married. Make this Valentine’s Day something really special.”

Your eyes went wide. “You want to get married now?! Like right now? Today?!”

He shrugged. “Why not? Look, gorgeous, you’ve been by my side through it all. Through every success and struggle, you’re the one thing that’s remained the same. I never want to stop building this life with you. So, what do you say? Be my wife? Continue making me the happiest man alive?”

You smiled. He was right. You two had weathered every storm thrown your way and made it out the other side stronger than ever. While things hadn’t always gone the way you both planned them, this life you guys had built was built right. Nothing could ever make you not love the man across from you with everything you had. And that ring looked damn good on your finger. “I say that the house don’t fall when the bones are good. Let’s go make me a Mrs!”

[saltyspaceboi]

Just a Reddie thing

(I am still figuring out my writing style. Please be gentle with any criticisms you may have) 

Warning Angst-ish stuff. 

Part 1.

The first show Richie did after it happened was in Little Rock, Arkansas. He had performed there once or twice before never with much of a turnout. The local population tended to drift towards more Blue Collar comedy or would rather listen to that puppet guy tell the same ten jokes he’s been telling for the past decade. Although the arena he would perform at wasn’t small by any means, he figured he wouldn’t get much of a crowd.  Especially since he’d taken a nearly eight-month hiatus with no warning and had barely spoken to anyone let alone been active on social media throughout that time. 

As expected it was a small crowd. They laughed at his jokes and his impressions and he did his best not to make it obvious how much he didn’t want to be there.

His manager clapped him on the back and congratulated him as soon as it was over, so he figured he didn’t fuck it up too bad. He smiled and laughed and cracked his jokes over a fast-food dinner with his manager and some of the roadies, but looking closely would show you that a smile never reached his eyes. No one ever really looked closely. It wasn’t as if these people actually knew him. He was friendly with them, had been on the road with them too many times to count and yet... They couldn’t even tell anything was off.  

 There was a rock in Richie’s shoe. Just a small pebble, annoying and bothersome. Yet he didn’t stop to take it out. He ended up finding some use to it.  Anytime the conversation left enough room for his mind to wander and he found himself thinking about Derry at all, Richie would simply apply pressure to that pebble and have it dig painfully into his heel. Maybe he could train himself not to think at all. 

  No one asked any additional questions when he lied and said he had been gone on some emergency family business. He felt alone no matter who he was with anymore. 

It was nearly 3 in the morning when Richie finally gave up on trying to sleep in the hotel bed.  He threw on some clothes, not looking or caring what he looked like, and walked out. He decided he might as well explore while he was here.  It had looked gray and ugly on the drive in from the airport, but the thought of trying to sleep sounded as unappealing as going to the gym. 

There were only a few people dotting the streets. He could hear people laughing in the distance, music playing from some bar nearby, car horns far away. 

The air was cool and smelled like cigarettes and rain. He took a deep breath and started walking. Richie had no earthly idea where the hell he was going, but he felt like he had to go somewhere. Get away. He didn’t know what he was trying to get away from, but he had to get away. 

He came across a park alongside the river. There were some pretty neat sculptures that he paused to ponder over for a few moments. There was a little tunnel made of vines and plants that was interesting enough. He paused before walking into it. There were lamps on the inside so it wasn’t too dark or creepy. He just paused, looking into it. For some reason, it made him uneasy. As if things wouldn’t be the same on the other side. He shook his head and scoffed to himself, then entered. He could see glimpses of light from streetlamps peeking through the foliage.  He reached the other ended quicker than he thought he would, and again, he hesitated. Looking out at the dimly lit world from inside this well-lit tunnel filled him with some kind of anxiety that he couldn’t quite describe.

“For fuck's sake Rich, it’s just a stupid tunnel.” He mumbled to himself. Yet he still waited a few moments before he finally took that step to the other side. Nothing felt any different. The world was still the same on this side as it was on the other.  Richie rolled his eyes at himself. He could imagine Stanley rolling his eyes too if he were there.  Richie adjusted his foot and dug that pebble into his foot. 

“Stan’s not here.” He reminded himself. 

The voice in the back of his mind then cruelly reminded him, “Neither is Eddie.”

He dug that damn pebble deeper into his foot. 

He kept walking. Gotta get away.  

There was a jungle-gym on the other side. Richie didn’t even think, he just started to climb.  He looked out over the river from atop the jungle-gym and watched city lights dance upon the water.  For a moment everything was calm, quiet, almost perfect.  It was at that moment Richie’s chest heaved as he tried to choke back a sob. He took off his glasses and tried to wipe away tears that were suddenly flowing.  His heart ached and he cried until he caught his breath again.  Shutting up and regaining his composure as he heard a group of people approaching.

Richie dried his face with his sleeve and took several deep breaths before climbing down. It was just a handful of college kids, they smelled strongly of weed and alcohol.  Richie pulled up his hood, avoided eye contact, and started walking again. 

He eventually came upon an area next to the river, he leaned against the railing and shut his eyes, sighing deeply. 

“What the fuck is going on with me?” he whispered. He was so confused and felt so goddamn alone.  He stood there for a long time before he finally opened his eyes again. 

He pulled his phone from his pocket and stared at it, wondering if he should text someone. 

He could message Beverly. She was always the first person he thought of texting when he got like this. Richie missed her. She was always the one who knew what to say.  If Stan were still around, Richie would bet that he would be the first person he would have texted, but Beverly probably had better advice than Stan would have ever had anyways. 

Richie typed a message. 

“Hey, Bev” was all it said. Richie’sthumb hovered over the send key. It was late, maybe he shouldn’t.  He sent it anyway and for a moment felt selfish for doing it.  He moved to put his phone away but was surprised to have Beverly text back almost immediately. 

“Are you gonna make it down here tonight?”  It read. Richie squinted and reread the message. 

“What?” he sent back.

“You don’t know?” 

“Know what? You going crazy Bev?” Richie typed quickly. He waited for her to explain what the hell she was talking about. Maybe she thought he was someone else? Maybe she was in some kind of sleep delirium. 

“Call Mike.” She replied. Richie bit his lip and typed out a response. He didn’t send it. Beverly would probably just give him the same answer. She was stubborn like that. 

Richie rolled his eyes the way Stan used to do and dialed Mike Hanlon’s number.

All he got was a busy signal, so he sighed and hung up. He opened up messenger to text Beverly again. 

“Are you high right now? wtf is going on?” He typed out. Just as he sent the message, his phone rang. “Mike Hanlon, Do NOT Answer”  lit up his screen, Richie almost laughed as he had forgotten that was what he had set to be Mike’s caller ID.

“Hello?” Richie answered. 

“Richie? It’s Mike.”

“Yeah I know who you are genius,” Richie teased, “Is something going on, I texted Bev and she told me to call you. I’m not sure if she’s going wacko or if y’all are just partying without me or someth-”

“Richie.” Mike cut him off. The seriousness in his tone turned Richie’s blood to ice. 

The silence between them seemed to be an eternity long, as Richie tried to gather words to ask. 

“Is... Is it back?” Richie asked. 

“What? No! It’s not that.” Mike said. 

“Then what the hell is going on? Are you guys doing drugs or something?” 

“Richie... You need to get back down here.”

“Hell no!” Richie said. No way was he going back to Derry. He was fairly certain he never even wanted to set foot in Maine again. 

“It’s Eddie,” Mike said. 

Richie froze.  His heart lept into his throat. 

“Don’t fuck around with me like that, Mike. Tell me what the fuck’s going on before I hop on a plane just to come beat your ass.” Richie said through clenched teeth. How dare Mike try and use Eddie against him like that. How could he-?

“I’m not fucking with you,” Mike said, “They, found him. Please, I can’t explain it over the phone, you just have to come down here.” Mike begged. 

Richie gritted his teeth and hung up. He sank to his knees and started to cry again.  This time not caring if anyone saw and not trying to stop it. Sobs washed over him like a tide. He buried his fingers in his hair, trying to ground himself.  That pebble, that goddamn fucking pebble was digging into him again. 

In a hot fury, Richie ripped off his shoe and grabbed that little fucker. He reared back and threw the sucker as far as he could into the river. 

“He’s gone.” Richie sobbed, “He’s fucking gone, please just let me forget again! Why can’t I forget?” He cried. Begging whatever bullshit god might fucking exist. 

He drew in a shaking breath and tried again to stop crying. 

His phone was ringing. 

“Mike Hanlon, Do NOT Answer.” Flashed across the screen. 

Against his better judgment, Richie answered. 

“What the fuck do you want?” Richie’s voice broke. 

“Richie, Please listen to me.” Mike’s voice pleaded. 

“Don’t...” Richie tried to swallow the lump in his throat, “Don’t try and tell me he’s there. Don’t try and tell me we left him down there alone.  He... He can’t be,  He’s- Eddie he’s...“ Richie couldn’t speak further. He covered his mouth. He didn’t want Mike to hear him cry.  

“Don’t believe me, then come down here and see for yourself,” Mike said.  Richie hung up again. This time he didn’t answer when Mike called again.  Richie put his phone on silent and tugged his shoe back on. 

He adjusted himself and started walking briskly back to his hotel. 

It’s a trick. It’s some dirty trick. There’s no way. 

Richie wiped his eyes and adjusted his glasses as he walked. He headed straight up to his room and fell into his bed. He didn’t bother removing his clothes. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep anyways. 

Richie simply gripped onto a pillow and cried some more.  It must have been an hour before he looked at his phone again. 

17 missed calls.  15 from “Mike Hanlon Do NOT Answer”, and 2 from “Bev.” 

There were several text messages too. Richie shoved the phone under the pillow without looking at any of them. 

“It’s a trick. It’s some dirty rotten trick. It’s a trick, you bet your fur it is.” Richie kept repeating to himself. He got up and went to shower. Maybe it would help. 

It didn’t.  He got out of the shower and almost robotically put his clothes back on.  Then he packed his things up, went downstairs and checked out of the hotel, and got an Uber to take him straight to the airport. 

“It’s a trick,” He kept thinking, but that didn’t stop him from purchasing a red-eye flight to Tennesse, from there he could catch a flight to New York and finally go to Maine from there. He didn’t look at his phone until he got to New York the next morning. 

He had 8 more missed calls. 4 from “Mike Hanlon, Do NOT Answer” 2 from “Bev” 1 from “Ben Hanscom” and 1 from “Can’t write for shit Bill”

Richie had put that in as his contact for Bill Denbrough purely because Bill had been watching him do it and knew it would annoy the shit out of him. 

Richie was sitting in the New York airport terminal, waiting for the final flight, when he texted Mike. 

“Where are you guys?” 

Mike replied with the address and after a moment sent another message.

“Are you coming?”

Richie thought about making a sex joke, but instead just turned his phone off. Not wanting to look at any of the worrying messages Bev or anyone else had sent him.

“It’s a trick.” He said to himself. “It’s a trick and you’re probably gonna wind up dead.” but he never turned back, and didn’t hesitate when he boarded the next flight. 

“Well if it isn’t a trick, somebody owes me money for this shit.” he thought. 

He chuckled a bit at the thought.  Then as he strapped into his seat and waiting again for a final flight, he whispered, 

“Please don’t be a trick.”

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

band rant:

okay, so. i never get involved in band drama nowadays bc like who has the time for that? but i felt like i had to say something on this topic.

today i woke up to being tagged on a fb article about how absolutely disgustingly creepy and inappropriate fans are being at p!atd concerts, when brendon urie does a big walk through the crowd during the song death of a bachelor. the thing that disturbed me the most about the people that lick or kiss him or do other creepy/concerning things (without his consent) is that they’re literally adults in their 20s, or at least that’s what people were assuming in the comments on the article, who should know that this stuff is creepy asf.

like don’t get me wrong, it took me literal years in my teens to realise that my attitude towards brendon and other band members (who I won’t mention by name here, but y’all know who they are by now) was creepy. 

 I’d make jokes about turning up their shows naked under a trench coat or how if i ever lived in the states they’d all have restraining orders out on me bc i’d follow to them to their houses and shit. hell, I even made a joke coming home from a concert once that i wouldn’t wash my hands for a week bc i touched one of the guitarist’s guitars and their hand at a show in 2009 (y’all can all guess who that was). i cried for an hour on the way home, bc i did actually wash my hands after that show. seriously 13/14yo me was a fucking freak when it came to her fave bands. 

but the difference between me and these creepy presumably 20something women who should know better is that i was a kid who didn’t know any better and thought these jokes and other ones i made (like tagging a particular band’s members on my crotch and my very non-existent bewbs (*teenaged sniggering*) at that point, on my myspace with sexual tags) were funny and not creepy. when on the contrary, they were really, really fucking inappropriate/creepy and NOT FUNNY (bc these guys were in their fucking 20s (!!!!!!) and i was a literal goddamn child in high school). 

it wasn’t until I was about 15/16 however, that i realised that i wouldn’t like some random kid turning up on my lawn to scream at me or turning up to my shows naked etc. but younger me thought her fave celebs owed her their time and stuff.... when they don’t. at all. in any sense of the matter. and yes, when I found those mentioned myspace tags at 18 when I went through my MS before it got deleted: I WAS FUCKING MORTIFIED. DO NOT DO THAT SHIT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. EVER. PERIOD. 

finally, to finish this part of the post, the topic of consent wasn’t as openly discussed 10 years ago, back when i was doing this shit. if it was ever was discussed, it wouldnt’ve been like it is now, and I would’ve been to selfish and young to care about it tbh. bc after all, teenage me was an asshole. it’s only recently, (meaning like 2013), that I started to better assess my behaviours towards famous people (especially my faves/idols/role models) and my ignorance of their obvious non-consent in these scenarios.

the very same goes for these incidents. like, who the fuck wants a completely random stranger (and especially one that should know better by now) randomly kissing them or licking them???? what the fuck????? and then other weird things like intentionally grabbing their face etc??? i don’t fucking care if you’re inebriated (bc it’s a concert and if you’re over 18 in aus or over 21 in the US, why wouldn’t you have a couple of drinks? but this is currently happening on p!atd’s US tour) while you’re at p!atd shows. i don’t fucking care if you think that brendon urie is “my (your) baby! <3 *sigh* 😍😍😍😍😍😍” (girl he ain’t your baby, let me tell ya.) and “oooh my ovaries!!!” 🤤🤤🤤😩😩😩 (idk what constitutes as a swooning emoji lol) or any other weird fangirl nonsense speak shit you want to throw at me, because:

THIS SHIT IS CREEPY ASF. IT. NEEDS. TO. STOP.

like for the women apparently doing this, think about it this way: if some creepo dude in the club starts kissing you when you’ve repeatedly told him to fuck off or whatever.... or just randomly approaches you for a hug; you’d be grossed out and uncomfortable right? now stand in a famous person’s shoes, at their shows meeting fans and having them doing this to you. how do you feel? surely you feel exactly like you do when that creepy fuckwit dude gives you an unsolicited/unconsented kiss at a bar. or when someone touches you in general without your consent.

brendon has literally told the p!atd fan base on multiple fucking occasions about HOW UNCOMFORTABLE, UNEASY AND FUCKING CREEPED OUT HE IS when random fans kiss/lick him or do other creepy fucking shit like grabbing his face without his consent. just because he’s famous, and you love him soooo much XDDDD, or just bc you’ll probably never see him again after the concert or whatever other weird bullshit justification(s) y’all wanna give, DO NOT GIVE YOU THE GROUNDS TO DO THIS SHIT.  I REPEAT: THESE REASONS/JUSTIFICATIONS DO NOT GIVE YOU THE GROUNDS TO DO THIS SHIT.

he has told you stop again and again. pls just stop. just because brendan urie is famous, it doesn’t mean that his safety and personal space should be violated in this twisted manner. obvs you could say that “hey he should expect this when he interacts with a crowd bc he’s famous. he should just deal with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ but why should he? he should not have to deal with this, when he has requested again and again for it to cease. just grow the fuck up and respect his boundaries, yeah?

anyway the point of this rant is that you should fucking respect your faves boundaries, safety and requests to stop any fucking behaviour that makes them feel uncomfortable y’all. just be decent human beings yeah?

rant over.

an addendum: if you’re a woman or just generally a person who condemns and considers entitled male fans who scream things like “HEY SEXY WANNA MARRY ME?!” or “I WANNA FUCK YOU!” at female solo acts/female lead singers like idk lady gaga or hayley williams (paramore) etc or any other weird shit that happens to female acts as creepy... but you don’t think literally grabbing someone’s face or even licking your finger before you touch a stranger (which was another weird thing a fan did at a p!atd show).... all because it happened to a man; then take a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror and look at your fucking hypocritical bullshit. because this is the exactly the same shit as what happens to female acts.

so in short, you’ll stand in solidarity with female acts and agree that this is unacceptable behaviour (bc feels as a woman, right? and women are TIRED OF THIS Y’ALL), but you won’t stand with a guy when it happens to them? that’s fucked bruh. y’all need to sort out your priorities and shit STAT. learn that this behaviour is fucked up and unacceptable etc from both genders (or all genders if you’re non-binary or trans etc) and on all fronts. again, I’ll assert that you just have to be a fucking decent and normal human being in this instance. and *elle woods voice* is it really, like, that fucking hard?

[thegreatwhiteferret]

✤ Reddie

Who said I love you first?

-Richie! He was laying on Eddie’s bed one day after school and they were supposed to be studying but he was really just watching Eddie. Eddie had his tongue poking out of his mouth a little, super focused on a question, and the sunlight was streaming through the window making him look like he had a Goddamn halo, and Richie just couldn’t stop himself anymore, he mumbled out “My God, I’m in love with a literal angel.” and Eddie turned to look at him confused, and Richie was just staring at him with the purest look in his eyes, and Eddie just smiled back at him and said, “And I am in love with a major dork.” without skipping a beat. And then Richie attacked him with kisses and said it like a thousand more times because he could.

Who laughs when the other trips?

-Eddie. Richie is tall and lanky and has zero control of his limbs, especially after he has a massive growth spurt when they are juniors. Eddie can’t help but laugh every time Richie falls, but then he rushes in with his fanny pack full of supplies to make sure that he isn’t actually injured.

Who pays the bills?

-Richie. Richie is actually super smart when it comes to math and he finds it soothing to balance the checkbook and everything. Eddie loves that Richie takes the reins when it comes to this and he knows that he never has to worry about it.

Who makes a bigger deal around the holidays?

-Richie. Eddie never really got to experience what the holidays felt like with a real family because of how controlling his mom was, so Richie always goes extra with decorations and celebrations so that Eddie can experience how amazing they are now that they are their own little family. Eddie loves that Richie gets so into the holidays, for him it’s not about the presents or decorations, it’s that they seem to make Richie happy, and a happy Richie makes Eddie happy. 

Who’s more clumsy?

-RICHIE. See answer number two.

Who checks their daily horoscope?

-Richie, he believes in the spirituality of life and likes to read both his and Eddie’s horoscopes and send them to Eddie with little notes about how the universe is connecting them. Eddie rolls his eyes at it, but he secretly loves that Richie is so enthusiastic about how they are meant to be.

Who sings louder in the car?

-They both do. Richie has a really deep and soulful singing voice, and Eddie begs him to sing all of the time. Eddie can hit super high notes flawlessly, so they harmonize together with whatever is on the radio and it is a truly beautiful thing. (Just imagine House of Gold by Twenty One Pilots with a three part harmony when they chime in…oh. my. god.)

Who leaves the cap off of the toothpaste?

-Neither. Eddie finds it disgusting, and Richie is well trained enough to know that if he does it, Eddie will kill him.

Who is more up to date with pop culture?

-Eddie. He loves listening to new pop music and admittedly reads trashy magazines with Bev as a way to wind down when he has had a rough week and he doesn’t feel like going to kick boxing to get it all out.

Who insists on going to see the newest movies?

-Richie is a film fanatic. He makes out a schedule every month of all of the movies he has to see. Then he breaks apart the whole movie and points out all of it’s merits and faults to Eddie as soon as they get back in the car. Eddie loves how passionate he is about it, and listens to his every word.

Who cries when the abused animal commercials come on?

-BOTH OF THEM. Seriously, who doesn’t cry at these commercials? They have pure hearts and want to adopt all of the animals.

Who’s the lighter sleeper?

-Eddie. Richie sleeps like the dead.

Who believes in ghosts?

-Richie. He is really into spirituality and the fact that even after you die your energy can’t be destroyed, it’s just transferred to something else. He watches every episode of the Ghost Adventures and never missed an episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural. He was so into the Hot Dog Saga.

Who does the grocery shopping?

-Eddie. If he didn’t all they would have in the house would be pure sugar. Eddie also really likes cooking and knowing exactly what he is putting into his body. It’s one of the lasting side effects from his mother forcing him to take all of those pills, but Eddie likes that he is able to take back the power. Richie also loves it because Eddie makes the best spaghetti. ;)

Who updates their Facebook status more often?

-Neither. Eddie is really paranoid about people knowing exactly what he’s doing, because you can never be sure who will see it. Nothing on the internet is private, after all. Richie has an Instagram where he posts pictures and videos about his band and his daily life, but only posts pictures of him and Eddie with Eddie’s permission. He loves his boy so much and he knows that so he doesn’t feel the need to post a million pictures of them on social media.

Well…I hope that this was good enough, and that y’all enjoyed my take on Reddie. Send me a ship and I’ll answer these questions (and any you want to add) about them! ❤️❤️❤️

[paniccord-ff]

2. Part 2

Looking down at the ring, this is not what I want. I just want to get home, I am ready to blow but I can’t do it now. I am shaking, I cannot stop crying and then Chris is not answering my calls or texts. I was stuck, I had my family there, his family there. I wanted to say no, my heart was screaming no, I wanted to say no. I sobbed out “Robyn” Mel touched my leg “I made a mistake” my eyes are so sore, I can’t stop crying on my birthday “why did you say yes then, you could say no. Nobody was holding a gun to your head” she is right “what good would have that done huh? Everyone already looking at me like I am waiting for Chris all the time” a tap on the SUV window, wiping the tears away. Pressing the button to put the window down “why are you crying?” my mom said “you knew about this didn’t you mom? You just want me married, I am going to keep crying. You are all evil” putting the window back up “he is coming out now, what are you going to do?” I shrugged “I don’t know, I will let you know if I kill him. You better pick up so we can hide the body” Mel smiled “stop it, just don’t argue too much” I want to kill him, he really is deluded “I just hope Chris knows I didn’t know of this, I don’t want this. Was he crying?” Mel nodded her head “stop thinking about it now, just tell him you don’t want it” she shuffled out of the SUV.

I want to kill him, I need to calm down “touch me and I will break your hand” turning my body away from Adam “don’t fucking speak to me, let’s go” he ruined everything, the stupid idiot. Looking down at my phone, a message from Mel. Not like I wanted that, why is he not answering me, I don’t even have Mijo’ number. I want Chris to know I was never involved in that shit, it was never me. I didn’t know, staring at my messages as I sobbed out “why are you crying?” Adam asked “I said do not fucking speak to me! Don’t fucking do it” I could message Mijo on Instagram, he will answer that. Tapping on Instagram and then tapping on my Direct Messages. I hope to god Mijo is not going to ignore me too, I never knew anything. I would never hurt him that bad, I feel so awful. I just hope Mijo answers me, I need to know he is ok at least.

Closing the door behind me, pulling the ring off “I didn’t want this shit” my aim becomes impeccable when I am angry, other than that I can’t throw for shit. The ring hit the back of his head, he touched his head turning to me in shock “are you crazy!? Seriously? What is your problem? You wanted to settle, you wanted this, you said it” throwing my bag to the side “I am bleeding” blinking at him several times “you are a bastard, oh. I thought you was an angel but boy I was wrong, you were plotting on Chris. Why? Tell me motherfucker, why did you do that with Chris there” Adam turned around to walk away, his head can bleed out “no you will speak to me” running ahead of him “I don’t want to marry you Adam, I never did” he is getting so angry “nobody else will marry you? Stop being stupid, I invited Chris. Wanted to show him what he missed” I want to hit him but I won’t “missed? You motherfucker! How dare you” Adam laughed “I guess he cried and now you are? Oh come on, if he wanted you then why didn’t you get with him again? Stop thinking you have a future with him, you don’t. I treat you with respect” I snorted “your mom hates me, let’s fucking not Adam. I don’t want to marry you, you know what. I don’t even want you, this. This was nothing” he shook his head in disbelief “over Chris Brown? Your mom did say you was crazy about him” a tear fell “because I still fucking love him, you hurt him then you hurt me! You fucked with the wrong person, you will never be Chris and that is what eats you up inside! You will never be him Adam, my soul is his. You just filled a void while he is not around, the only pathetic person here is you. You thought you won, you lost. Game over now get out, take your cheap ring and go fuck yourself with it or better yet go and cry on your mom’ lap” hitting his shoulder as I walked by him.

Walking into my wardrobe, I want to get out of these clothes. I know where Chris lives, who doesn’t “you are going to end up lonely, as far as Chris Brown is aware you are mine now. You think he is going to want you? He is probably out there having sex with other women” why is he even here still “good, let him Adam. You made a mistake here, you played a dangerous game between two people that love each other. You will never know that man the way I do, as long as you are gone I don’t care if Chris and I get back together. I just want to let him know that this sick game was never me, can you get the fuck out. We are over and your dick game was never all that, you European men upset my soul. You’re sweet and all that but no, your ego is bigger than your dick” I snorted laughing, Adam stepped to me in anger “what you finna do huh? I will not be scared to put my heel in the side of your head now fucking get out!” we both stared at each other in anger “you better leave my friend the fuck alone, now!” Mel spat, Mel pushed him away from me “don’t be up in her space, move before I make you. Get out” Mel bought Rich, she ain’t stupid “can you please leave” he said, let me continue to get my clothes.

Even if he doesn’t speak to me, I will talk through his intercom he needs to know I didn’t set it up. I wouldn’t do that to him “Robz, seriously. Where are you going? Your ass can’t even drive” pulling my hood up “I can walk, we don’t live that far. It is like an hour walk, I can do it” she grabbed my arm “let’s not, I will get Mijo on the line. Come, just calm that ass down” pushing my hood back “see it’s ringing” she placed it on speakerphone, Mel is wasting my time “so can we have sex now?” Mijo said down the phone “why you gotta be like this?” Mel said giggling, if these two don’t shut the fuck up “ok, Jesus. Don’t look at me like that. Mijo, you know why I called” Mijo blew out air “don’t get me started, shiiit what you want to know?” snatching Mel’ phone “where is he!?” I shouted “he is at home, I am at home. I don’t know, he wanted to be alone so I left him. He a grown ass man, I just suggest you leave him be though. That shit was twisted as fuck, how you going to get engaged in front of the man you supposed to love? Come Rihanna my nigga, you trying to kill my friend” passing the phone back to Mel, I can’t do this. Walking back up the stairs crying a loud.

Walking out of Playhouse nightclub with my homies “see you in the studio?” The Game asked “for sure, I am going there now” he dapped me as we went our separate ways, I hate the paparazzi though. They be on my ass all the time about shit, looking behind me seeing my boys “I love you Chris!” This girl shouted, smiling at her. My bodyguards surrounded me “Chris! How do you feel about Rihanna being engaged? Was you crying?” TMZ be annoying as fuck, looking for my car “where my car at?” I said to J my bodyguard “around the corner” he said, thank god “there is pictures of you crying? Do you regret not having her back? Do you still love Rihanna Chris” I am dying to not flip out “how do you feel about Rihanna being engaged?” clenching my jaw “suck my left nut, fuck outta here” J pushed him out of the way finally.

Jessica and I remained silent as I drove to the studio, looking down at my knuckle. That shit is still sore as fuck, I decided I could either be at home and cry or just move on. I haven’t mentally moved on, I know I haven’t just because I couldn’t have sex with Jessica. I mentally couldn’t do it, I had to walk away and I cried again. Robyn fucked me over in so many ways, I can’t digest that she is getting married. I broke my phone, I have a new number and I stay away from social media but that shit finds me. Mijo tried to tell me some shit but I don’t want to hear it, I don’t care anymore. It’s been two weeks now and my heart is wounded as fuck, shit I still want to cry. I fucked up, I get it but why. I saw her get engaged, that image in my mind will never go and I am trying so hard to move on. I can have Jessica here but she don’t get much from me, maybe a yes or no answer. She follows me around, I straight can’t have sex because my mind is just everywhere. Love sucks, I love hard and I love that woman. Robyn Rihanna Fenty, I love her.

I don’t even know why I am in the studio, I can’t even think of making music. Do I even know how to make songs, I don’t know what to do anymore “you’re so quiet” The Game said, I shrugged “this is why you don’t love, shit. Never give your heart, I mean it is Rihanna but no” I don’t wish to speak about my life to anyone “cool” I don’t know what he wants me to say “you want to go home?” Jessica asked “I want you to leave me be” I retorted, sitting back in the chair “he has been like this since that day, quiet. In his own world. She really drove him crazy, love make you crazy” why is people talking about me when I can hear them, fuck these niggas. My mom doesn’t blame Rihanna, I mean who does but she ran away from me constantly, what could I do.

I can’t even be bothered to be making any type of music, I am just watching The Game do it but I think he is done now “I think I am done here, speak soon homie. Kids home so I got to go” everyone has kids, shaking his hand. Touching the side of my face, my people are bored as fuck because I am boring as fuck. Turning in the chair staring at the booth, my heart still hurts. I can’t barely sleep, I keep replaying it in my mind so I can’t sleep “can you niggas kind of get a life and move out of this room, I need to speak to my nigga” looking behind me, I don’t know why Mijo is here “I am going now” standing up, I need to go anyways it’s late “did you stalk me?” I said laughing at him “kind of, just get these out of here” Mijo is stupid, it’s late too “y’all go home, if y’all have a home” sitting back down in the chair.

Mijo is wasting my goddamn time, he is here for no reason “how did you know I was here?” I asked, I am sure I never told him “you told me” he pointed saying “I didn’t, but what is it? Can’t you just speak to me tomorrow, I am tired” that is a lie, I am just done talking “well, I mean you can probably kill me later but I am just done hearing it. You won’t listen and whatever, just please listen ok” my eyebrows knitted together in confusion, what on earth is he on about. Who the fuck is Mijo waving over “I’ll be out here” he stepped out still holding the door open, I swear I am going to hit Mijo. I didn’t even need to guess who this is “I am not doing this” I want to go, Robyn pushed her hood back “just shut up and listen” he closed the door, I don’t want to be here in this room.

Standing as far as I could from Robyn, the island between us keeping us apart. I don’t even want to look at her face “I am sorry Chris, I have been trying to contact you for so long. I begged Mijo to help me see you, you don’t reply to anything” dragging my eyes away from the wall to look at her “now you know how it feels when you run away, it’s horrible ain’t it” squinting my eyes at her face “what happened to your face?” looking like she hit it “oh, nothing. I was playing with Majesty and I hurt it” not like I care “ok, what do you want? Is this you saying goodbye, what is it?” I can’t even stand to be in a room with her “it’s me saying sorry, I am not marrying nobody. As much as you are hiding, so am I. As soon as I realised what he did, I broke it off. I never wanted him Chris, I told you I love you and I mean it. I never knew he was going to do that, I am not engaged. Me and him are over, I don’t care if there is no us but I don’t want you to hurt. I want to say sorry because I feel bad that I couldn’t protect you, you know I try and do that. Even if that means I lose out” she choked out “you mean lose out on a future because you listen to others, I hope you do find a happily ever after. It’s fine, you got me back. I fucked up on you” I am done and want to go, walking around the island.

Pulling open the door walking out “the fuck you both doing?” Mijo and Mel nearly fell into the room “well, we was waiting to hear you both have sex but clearly that ain’t happen” walking by both Mel and Mijo, I want to go home. Walking to the elevator “Chris, listen to me. As your brother, hear me out” tapping the elevator button “go on?” I will listen until the elevator comes “is that it? You know for a fact you love that woman in there, she didn’t mean this shit. It was never her fault. You think you are going to move on? That is a lie Chris because you won’t, bitches and hoes ain’t the one” shaking my head “ok Dr Phil, what do you know” laughing at him “I know enough that you both love each other, this is god’s way of resetting shit. I am not justifying any of y’all shit but I know you both will always end up together. Come, let’s chill with them. What you going to do? Sleep? Which you don’t do” Mijo walked back to the studio.

This is awkward as shit “I liked the Pandora bracelet you bought” Robyn said, looking at her wrist “how could you say yes?” I blurted out, the room fell silent “I was stuck, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, I broke your heart and I am so sorry. The sad part is that I don’t think I will ever see myself with any other man, I broke down when I saw it all. Your face broke me, I am so sorry. He is a bastard, he hurt you and I could never be with someone that wanted to hurt my soulmate” Mijo cleared his throat “you hear what happened to Rihanna, I am still surprised you ain’t floor that bitch” Robyn eyeballed Mijo “oh my bad” licking my lips “what happened?” I asked “Mijo is stupid, I just fell” staring at Robyn “you a bad liar, what happened?” I want to know now “well Adam and his mom had come to the house to try and sort it all out, and I flipped on the bitch. I didn’t see it coming but his mom slapped me, I dead ass didn’t expect it that I couldn’t react but yeah. Stupid me got slapped” that is a bad ass hit “like I said Chris, he hurt the man I love and I stay with that” she really got hit, I feel bad for her now.

I am just staying quiet, what else can I say. My heart is so wounded “I don’t like my nigga like this, you are never quiet. You just sit around staring, why?” Mijo asked, I shrugged not saying a word “life came at me fast, the real truth is that I lost you. Whatever has happened between you and your nigga but seeing that will never not leave my mind, the person you love about to marry another man. That hurts and it fucks me up that it happened, it happened and I stood there. I was dressed in a suit at your engagement. Just because you ain’t getting married it doesn’t fix the fact my heart is broken, you told me you loved me and I was on a high. You know when you have broke me when I can’t even care to drink, get high or have sex. You said yes and that did it for me” It just blows my mind “you the only one to heal my nigga” Mijo said, seeing Robyn from the corner of my eye sit next to me “I can admit fault, but I am tired of running Chris. To be honest it scared me to be married to another man that I don’t love and can never have my heart. I am open to trying again but I will leave that with you, we can talk when you’re ready but I love you so much Chris. Just to see you here, just to see your face I am so blessed. I guess we are stuck together but I will be waiting for you, no running involved. I expected you to be high off your mind with a boat full of hoes, but you’re not. I love you Chris” I remained silent not saying a word to her, I have nothing to say.

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes seven and eight: this is easily the worst episode this show has ever produced.

EVERYONE THIS SEASON SUCKS.

That’s all.

Dean cannot stop thinking with his dick and when Robb(ie) tells him that Kristina saw him canoodling and flirting with Danielle in the pool, he’s like, “WAIT, WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE HER DOWN TO THE BEACH?” Why are you making out with some girl while leading another girl on?! That’s literally not Robb(ie)’s responsibility, he’s too focused on making sure his hair is perfectly resembling a Dairy Queen ice cream cone. He acknowledges what he’s doing is wrong but the fact that his first instinct is “Oh shit, I got caught,” he’s such a piece of garbage. When he goes to Kristina to make nice, she’s ice fucking cold. She makes him tell her why she won’t speak to him1.

Dean gives an innocent version of what he was doing, but he’s like, “looking back, it was bad, but I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were there.” That’s… not an apology, Dean. He literally does not get it. He just wants to be able to fuck her and Danielle. Kristina keeps trying to get him to acknowledge that his behavior is hurtful and harmful and he just… can’t. He just repeats what she says back to her in hopes that it’ll make it all okay. He says he’s “just being honest” as if it makes everything okay - and even in that, he’s not being 100% honest. He only came to Kristina after he found out that she had seen he and Danielle kissing and flirting the night before. He keeps asking for her patience but he doesn’t deserve it.

Kristina, you literally need to kick this guy to the curb and go make out with Ben Z. Dean is the kind of guy who expects to be comforted when he fucks up instead of holding himself accountable for his actions and comforting YOU for his fuck up. Impact > Intent. At this point he’s not going to realize what a catch you are and has done nothing but push you away over and over again because he’s a goddamn mess who likes you, but not that much.

Meanwhile, Jasmine is thirsty, and this time, it’s all about Jonathan/Tickle Monster/Buster Bluth. I can’t help but think a little of it is to fuck over Karyistin, but a lot of it is to stay on television and get drunk for free while making out with a kind of hot doctor2. Jasmine. BEN Z IS STILL THERE. Jesus Christ I can’t handle any of y’all or y’alls taste. Apparently Buster Bluth tickles while he kisses, and I’m… I need to step away for a moment.

Okay, I’m back. Sorry, I had to vomit. Meanwhile, jackstone is feeling lonely. He’s hoping to get time with Kyrstin now that Buster Bluth is otherwise occupied with literal tickle torture. But, oh wait, here comes...

Oh, it’s... Blake.

Blake, the non-banana eating guy who got into a feud with Syllabic Noise on Rachel’s season of La Bachelorette has arrived and my god, is he sweaty. He’s already sweat straight through his polo, which is white, so it’s basically translucent.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Blake: Unfrosted Mini Wheats3.

I can’t think of a bigger letdown because he’s basically there for the Josh Murray (ugh) Special: REDEMPTION. He wants people to know that he’s more than just his 15 minute argument with Syllabic Noise. He immediately takes all the guys aside (save for Daniel) and he shows interest in Danielle, of course. Raven tells him not to mention Syllabic Noise, just to sell himself, so of course the first thing he does when talking to Jasmine is mention him. God. He literally mentions it to every girl he talks to and none of the girls are interested.

Diggy gets it perfectly when he says Blake is the kind of guy you call when you need help moving or a co-signer. Kristina isn’t interested. Danielle isn’t interested. And then...

Here comes Freddy!

I’m just happy there’s more than one black guy on this show now.

I love the producers bursting Blake’s bubble like this, too. Both Blake and Freddy have date cards for a double date because again - this show has a budget of $29.99 for every date. They’re not tipping these waiters shit. All the guys are like “everyone wants to go out with Fred, no one wants to go out with Blake. LOLOLOL.” Fred takes Dominique aside first, and of course Diggy’s like “Ohhhh shit.”4 I’m glad this is Diggy & Dominique’s first appearance in two episodes and of course it’s tumultuous. Dominique tells Fred to go after what he wants, and he immediately asks her out on his date, and she agrees. It’s amazing.

Meanwhile, Blake finally flatters Crysten into a date and she says yes even though she thinks it’s going to be awkward. JACKSTONE is feeling kinds of feels about the fact that Kristen is going on this date and has gone on 100 dates since they went out.

And then we’re treated to the single best five seconds of 2017.

Jack’s walking down the beach alone, walks past Robb(ie), and punches him in the balls.

Someone give this scene a god damn Peabody and an Emmy.

Outstanding. Just good shit right there.

Meanwhile, the girls this season are solidifying themselves as the gang of goopy awful monsters they are and decide to tell JACKSTONE that Christyn said he was a bad kisser and thus they want to show him how to be a better one. This is what happens when you don’t let people have access to any other forms of entertainment. Hell, give them a deck of cards. This is how Lord of the Flies starts. All the girls finally make out with JACKSTONE and confirm that he’s a good kisser.

Blake, Kristyn, Dominique, and Fred’s date revolves around them on a high-adrenaline speedboat, three words I don’t understand in a row. Cristan loses one of her contacts and her mascara is running down her face5. And not in a pretty Beyonce in the “Why Don’t You Love Me” video kind of way, but more like:

Cristan complains a lot during the date, mostly about getting sea sick and losing her contacts. She seems miserable. I laugh becuase they have one of those giant balloon slides set up and if anyone’s seen Below Deck you know how shitty those are to set up.

Back at the villa, Chris Harrison arrives, and they’re all shooketh. Chris Harrison tells them that Fred was the last new (male) arrival and - oh shit! - the rose ceremony is tonight. Probably because they only booked the resort a certain number of days and they gotta get outta there ASAP before Robb(ie) pollutes the water any further with his hair products.

Speaking of Robb(ie), there’s a new date card!!!! He of course asks Amanda Never-Shoulders, who deserves a break from keeping shirts on her shoulders. They go to a fair and get $14 in tickets each. He’s hoping he can have something very long-term outside of Paradise, and that long-term thing comes with a lot of Instagram followers, because that’s what Robb(ie) feeds on.

Seriously: y’all can’t tell me it’s not a coincidence the “Social Media Influencer” has been chasing after the girl with the most Instagram followers there6.

We head into the cocktail party, and a few couples there are completely set - Derek & Taylor, Adam & Raven, and Lacey and Daniel are just weird together which everyone’s okay with. Meanwhile, Ben Z hasn’t found anyone and knows he’s not getting a rose that week because he’s not interested in anyone there and no one’s interested in him, so... He’s leaving. Pretty much everyone’s sad but also like “Go home to your dog, bro.”

Qirsten and Raven are sitting with My Ex-Boyfriend Wells and discussing how all the guys are thirsting over Kriston now. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is like, “you’re like me last year!” and I’m like, “Fuck the fuck off, Wells!”

My Ex-Boyfriend Wells knows what he did.

Then My Ex-Boyfriend Wells reconfirms why I broke up with him when he’s the one to tell Cristan that everyone’s been calling her Scallop Fingers since she arrived. Like, the scallop story was funny in its initial appearance but it quickly diverted into cruelty - everyone calling her that in their talking heads, the chyron - it lost its humor quickly and they’re beating a dead horse with it now. I admittedly had a Mean Girl period, but that Mean Girl period was called The Eighth Grade. Do you know what Eighth Grade should rebrand itself as? The Human Centipede. You’re just eating shit and shitting out shit because you’re shit. The perpetuation of the scallop story just feels like eighth grade bullshit.

Again - take away people’s access to outside things and you’ll see how they truly are. It’s why I’ll never go camping.

Wells slowly realizes midway through telling the story that a) Kristan had no idea about this story or this “nickname”7 and b) she’s actually kind of hurt by it. The only time I agree with her is when she’s like “Persecute me, I don’t like to waste good food.” Me either, KirstenDunst.

Kristan is basically a hot commodity with JACKSTONE, Buster Bluth, and Blake. She makes out with all of them with scallop mouth. I have nothing to say.

There’s a ton of filler, but Danielle sits down with Dean and asks him if Kristina gave him her rose, would he accept it? He finally says that he knows it’s not fair to play with both of their feelings and he’s going to go all-in with Danielle. I feel bad for Danielle because... Dean’s constantly talking about how Kristina’s too good for him and so like, what’s Danielle? Chopped liver? And this is what he wanted - Danielle once he was done with Kristina.

Of course, Kristina reacts maturely and perfectly and calmly.

Nah, she insults him and says he’s going after a girl, not a woman. KRISTINA. COME ON. SERIOUSLY? This dude has proven to you time and time again that you were his safety net. She keeps trying to blame Danielle and that she got “in his head”. Kristina sits down with Raven to shit talk, and Raven, while well-intentioned, picked the wrong moment to try to reason with Kristina and drop some logical truth bombs. She tries to reason with Kristina that no one “stole” Dean, Dean was wrong for playing two girls at once. She can be mad at Danielle, but she shouldn’t blame her for it. Kristina wanted at that moment to feel supported and didn’t get it from Raven, so she storms off because what does Raven know, they haven’t talked in a few days.

Y’all.

My Ex-Boyfriend Wells finally delivers the line to Kristina that she probably needed to hear all along, and something I have said several times to my friends in the past - why are you fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for you? Why bother? There is no reason to waste any time on someone who wouldn’t waste time on you. It’s hard to admit that and it’s hard to realize that you might be unwanted but that’s the way love goes.

We head into the Rose Ceremony.

Lacey gives her rose to Candy Lambz, and I can only imagine the abhorrent personality that would accompany their child.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Amanda gives her rose to Robb(ie).

Raven gives her rose to Adam.

Dominique picks Diggy.

Jasmine picks... Jonathan?

Christin gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Instead of giving out her rose, Kristina’s like, “Fuck this, fuck y’all, I’m out.” Her rose isn’t going to anyone.

Dean walks her out, and he’s like, “I hate myself, I hate doing this to you, please forgive me.”

That. IS NOT. AN APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s telling someone you fucked up and then telling them how they should feel about it. That’s manipulation through and through. Stop making the conversation about your feelings. God.

Then he goes back and accepts Danielle’s rose.

Blake and Fred are going home. Bye Fred, please go find a more normal girl in your hometown.

Exeunt.

Enter.

The next day, everyone is still shook that Kristina left. Let’s be real - no one is really shook. Dean’s just relieved he can fuck Danielle without guilt now. We hear Dominique say more words in the opener than she has all season. She confirms the couples, and is worried someone might come in and distrupt everything.

Here comes Jaimi!!!!!!!

Jaimi is known for being bisexual and of course everyone’s like OMG SHE LIKES BOTH MEN AND WOMEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN IS SHE GOING TO TRY TO FUCK EVERYONE? No. The narrative that bisexual women are sluts who are just trying to bang everyone than can is dangerous. Bisexual women are not your sex toys and they have agency and aren’t... fucking predators. They’re not nymphomaniac homewreckers.8They just have interest in both genders. It’s not that hard.

I’m sorry, I’m still a little drunk from last night.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Jaimi: She’s far from the worst one in this cast, she’s more like soap in the eye.

Anyway, the girls are talking about how they think Jaimi’s interested in Cristen. Of course. I hate everyone on this show. Jaimi sets her sights on Diggy right quick, though. She gives her date card to him, and he seems... tentative about it, but he goes anyway.

We’re off on another $13 date where Diggy tries to figure out with Jaimi “is” in terms of nationality. You know what mixed people love? When people try to guess what they “are”. The’re fucking people. That’s what they are.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, Danielle and Dean are basically all over each other and she’s not concerned whatsoever.

Oh.

What’s that sound?

It’s the sound of terror approaching, aka The Twins.

W H Y.

Literally, their entire personality is “we’re hot twins, look at us!” I hate Emily and/or Haley. I hate that Willam, my favorite Drag Race alum, was on their “reality show”. I hate that this show continues to tote these girls around constantly because they literaly have no ohter qualifications other than being ABC’s bitches.

I literally didn’t think this show could be more full of awful people, but here we are. Is Jef Holm coming next?

Emily and/or Haley admit that they’re there to fuck shit up and I seriously hate them. Emily and/or Haley is interested in Dean and Derek, of course, and one of the twins refuses to take no for an answer. They have one shared date card between the two of them because they’re coming in late and because the producers don’t want to waste any time distinguishing between the two of them. They of course take Amanda Never-Shoulders aside to find out what’s going on9. Amanda Never-Shoulders is like, “Well, I’ve been so focused on making sure fabric never touches my shoulders that the only people available are JACKSTONE and Buster Bluth.” They have a really fucking forced conversation about Scallop Fingers and god, I’m tired of hearing about that.

The twins are not happy with these options, and they don’t even know what scallops are. The twins are not intimidated by Quristen and the fact that she’s the hottest commodity on the island. Amanda’s like, “nah, don’t even bother with Derek. Don’t bother with Dean. Sorrrrrrrrry.” Emily and/or Haley DGAF though, they’re going to ask who they want to. The producers waste a bunch of time distinguishing between the twins, and how to tell them apart - mainly, their vaginas and noses are different. I didn’t need to know that.

Emily and/or Haley continues to call JACKSTONE a serial killer, which is just... god. I hate them so much. Like, they’re the definition of “pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside”. They’re insidious. I cannot stand anyone who believes that playing dumb is a cute trait. Ignorance is not attractive. Not knowing shit does not make you a catch. Emily and/or Haley takes Dean aside and offers her date card and he flat out says no because he’s actually being a decent person for the first time.

Emily and/or Haley’s like, “well, I’m not going on a date with anyone but you, soooo.” He’s literally awful at letting her down. Emily and/or Haley goes to Danielle and is like, “So what would happen if Dean and I went on a date?” And Danielle’s like, “He’s an adult, he can make choices, if he’s interested, he should go.” She’s so wonderfully composed while also being like, “I will kill you.” Emily and/or Haley asks Dean again and he says no, he wouldn’t, he’s not interested.

Adam and Raven spent the entire episode in that hammock.

Emily and/or Haley react like mature adults about getting rejected and being forced to go on dates with JACKSTONE and Buster Bluth because the guys they’re actually interested in didn’t want to. No, they call JACKSTONE a serial killer and basically react with disgust about Jonathan, and call Danielle and Taylor (respectively) “ugly whores” because... they’re dating the guys the twins are interested in?

I fucking hate them. This is actually middle school behavior. No one has to yield your ridiculous demands.

There’s an actually sweet scene where Derek and Taylor admit that they’re falling in love with each other. I mostly commend Taylor for wearing fake eyelashes constantly.

Emily and/or Haley aren’t excited about their date, even calling their dates “douchebags”. JACKSTONE is feeling hesitant about going, and decides he’s not going on the date. He essentially ghosts them because he’d rather hang with Kristyn, which I think is hysterical. I would be insulted too if someone chose Kirsten over me. JACKSTONE is such an adult about it when he tells the girls that he’s not going on their date, and they’re the god damn worst.

They literally say to his face “I asked you out becuase there was no one else left and I felt bad for you - do you think I would want to be with someone who’s been with Scallop Fingers, serial killer?” All the other contestants are saying he’s an idiot for not going, but I agree with him. Don’t go on a date with someone who doesn’t want you. Emily and/or Haley fucking explodes and they’re like “FUCK ALL Y’ALL WE OUTTA HERE.” They literally throw scallops and Jonathan’s like, “Ew, no.”10

JACKSTONE gets my favorite line of the night when he’s like, “The twins are going to be fine - they’ll go home, watch Frozen, play with their fidget spinners, and they’ll be alright.”

The rest of the episode is the couples being all gross. They’re all like, “We’ve known each other ten days! This is going to last forever!!!!!!” Chris Harrison shows up and drops the bomb: This is our last day in Paradise.

Next Week: The “shocking finale”, relationships are collapsing, Fanty Sweetz, and Kristan may lose her virginity. Finally. Oh, reunion? Gross. WHY WOULD YOU FORCE CORINNE AND DEMARIO TOGETHER? JESUS. Oh, and Derek totally proposes to Taylor. Pffft. I'm so happy this season is over.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I hate how many times this show has made me write the word “tickle”.

How much do you think Ben Z. and Matt were paid to give out roses to keep Danielle and Jasmine (respectively) there? Ben Z probably was going to leave last week but they needed him to extend the Dean/Kristina/Danielle narrative, and Matt looked miserable when he came back to deliver his rose.

Dean needs a fucking therapist.

I literally cannot stand any of the people left.

I found out that Danielle owns an ice cream shop and I like her so much more now.

Can this officially be the end of The Twins’ 15 minutes? Please?

You know who Krysten reminds me of? Kenley on Project Runway season 5.

The second episode this week was one of the worst episodes in this show’s history. I know this is trash TV, but god.

At one point I literally said “I don’t care, Wells,” out loud and my boyfriend went “You have so broken up with Wells.”

My thoughts on Arie as The Bachelor: Good on him, I suppose? I think it’s a true gamble for ABC to pick a guy who hasn’t been involved with the franchise in five years, but Arie might be what is needed to bring the show back to what it was.

You know he’s immature when he’s using the same tactics my kindergarten teacher used to get me to admit that yes, it was me who ate the last Reese’s. I’m an asshole. ↩︎

Kind of hot in that beer goggly-sort of way. ↩︎

Once my mother bought these for the house and made us eat them because she wasn’t going to throw away a good box of food. I understand this, and I participated, but BLARG BARF BARF BARF. I’m still getting mini wheat crumbs out of my mouth and it’s been 15 years. My family takes cereal very seriously. (Cerealously?) Don’t get me started on the Who Ate All The Lucky Charms Marshmallows Debacle of 2000 or the Nick Ate All The Fruity Pebbles Fiasco of 1998. ↩︎

I laughed when Diggy was like, “Get Fred out of here, I was just getting used to being the only black guy here.” And laughed even harder when Jonathan looks him dead in the eye and goes “I don’t see color,” in the most marvelously faux-braggy way and I’m onto Jonathan now. Jonathan might be this season’s Evan. ↩︎

Dear Christane, you are on a tropical island. It is humid and hot and you will get sweaty. Are you really that confident in your makeup that you think you can get away with not wearing waterproof mascara? I feel you on the contact front, that sucks, but girl. Girl. Gurl. I cannot help you if you do not help yourself. ↩︎

I think it’s really interesting to see the path he’s taken since Joelle’s season. She’s kind of faded back quietly into her normal life with Jordan and he’s shilling sunglasses on Instagram. I don’t think she wanted that, and that’s why she didn’t pick him. Huh. ↩︎

Is it a nickname if it isn’t agreed upon by the person receiving the nickname? Is there are word for an unwanted and hurtful nickname? ↩︎

I actually give the show a lot of credit for not showing a bunch of shots of the guys being like “YEAAAAH SHE’S BISEXUAL IT WOULD BE SO HOT TO WATCH HER MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS” ↩︎

Literally none of the people there know anything about The Twins except that they’re hot. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells calls them a “national treasure” and again, I’m happier and happier that I dumped his ass and left him on the curb. ↩︎

This is the most shoehorned producer manipulation I’ve ever seen. They literally brought the Twins in just to stir shit up and then have them leave. ↩︎

[herotheshiro]

i wanted to post this online somewhere but didn’t know where to put it (not really something to put on any of my IG accounts and if you stay w me for the rest of this post you’ll know why i didn’t put it on twitter) and i almost forgot tumblr existed and no one really uses it (i.e., my sibling doesn’t follow this account. was going to put this on my personal blog which my sibling also doesn’t follow but i feel like this blog is better in the end) so good place to put it and let me release my thoughts. [put it under cut bc it’s pretty long lol]

but basically one of the worst decisions i’ve made in the last half yr is become active on twitter. i made an account back in october to try to order some hipmaic merch from a proxy which ultimately failed and had unexpected personal blowbacks as well... that in itself should have already indicated the dumpster fire that twitter would become for me (from the bad vibes of that failure i mean) but unfortunately in the time before i knew the proxy was going to fail, i got absorbed into fandom twitter. for whatever reason i have this weird thing of wanting to become fandom famous or like fandom well-known, which i think is partially due to me wanting to be like my sibling who sort of became a recognizable name due to their fanworks in some of their fandoms in the past. i feel like i used to kind of have that kind of recognition back during the young deviantart days but since i don’t really produce/publish fanworks anymore, i’ve gotten to liveblogging/livetweeting as my attempts to fame. ik some ppl have succeeded off of that, based on some of the ppl i’ve followed for a number of fandoms in the past few years, so i thought i could do it too ... but alas as y’all know, the internet is a big place and it’s hard to get ppl to care abt your one voice. and ppl noticing you also sometimes happens in unwanted ways, like that whole thing i got stressed over re: a/3 which i think i blogged abt on this blog before ... i mean still not even 100% they were referring to me specifically w that vague tweetinig but i was stupidly anxious over dumb shit like that.

also, as everyone knows, once you really get into a fandom, there is always the absolute mess of “problematic” content/call-outs. sometimes it’s valid critiques of the series content, sometimes it’s over stupid ass petty inter-fan drama. and even if you’re not involved in the drama itself, it’s so tiring to have to witness all the passive aggressive (or sometimes outright aggressive) tweets ... esp in this current global pandemic situation where we’re already getting negative news re: our real lives. i’m writing up this post really in response to me reading through threads of ppl calling out the problematic ways hipmaic handles hip hop/black culture which is definitely valid and basically something i’ve always been aware of even when i first came into the fandom bc non-black iterations of hip hop culture (esp overseas) usually do not hit the mark .... even though i’ve been aware of all this shit, it’s so tiring to read through and then the guilt of still consuming the fandom even w its flaws (which is still something you can do as long as you acknowledge the flaws and problematic aspects. but it also depends on the series i suppose, like imo a/o/t is just shit that prob shouldn’t be consumed lol, which is also funny bc i used to consume it a long time ago but that was like way before the timeskip like when the anime first got released ... i mean this kind of opinion/perspective is fraught w so many asterisks so i’m not going to go into it further but hopefully you get what i mean even if you’re not hearing all of my personal footnotes)... like i don’t think i’m going to give up hipmaic yet, bc i still do enjoy some of its music and i do enjoy seeing character content, but adding twitter to my life was honestly a goddamn mistake. not only for that one case of anxiety re: a/3 but also just me purposely consuming fans’ content that i literally KNOW will piss me off but i still do anyways. it’s tiring to read some of the comments hipmaic fans say, and a few months ago i wanted to interact re: headcanons and stuff but now i’m like you know what. keep your frankly incorrect and inaccurate headcanons to yourself (partly sarcastic but you know when you read a thinkpiece and you respect them for voicing their opinion but it’s also “wrong” at the same time...).

like recently i’ve gotten to thinking to literally just blocking any twitter account that talks abt hyp mic and just restricting my twitter to non-fandom stuff or japanese twitter accounts where i don’t understand what stupid shit they’re saying (if any). and also let’s not get into what a time-suck scrolling through twitter has become for me ... i’m already depressed and completely unmotivated to do work, and twitter is just a major procrastination device to continue wrecking my academic and professional lives and productivity ... i don’t have the app, but i can still access it through safari so of course it’s still a stick in my wheel. i really need to follow what my sibling said and try to rarely go on it and if i do, just stick to my dash and don’t stray too far out (i.e., looking up shit in the search bar). tbh, IG and twitter are both huge time-wasters for me, and i seriously need to consider deleting social media in general or at least for a good chunk of time which is something i wanted to do literally 2 yrs ago but just never did ... ik some of my friends are relatively inactive on social media (they do have it but they just never post or anything) and i really really need to be like that. everything for me (like many ppl at this time i assume) is remote, and i know from past experience that i am VERY BAD at being productive when doing remote working. and having IG/twitter drains is definitely going to make that worse, especially since they’re already major distractors when i AM physically going to school/work. i feel like i’ve tried to cut cold-turkey before, but i usually never keep up the block for long ... it’s also due to a lack of motivation in general (this is a whole other monster of a topic that should be put on my personal blog LMAO) but i need to just try to cut things that i have some control over that could further contribute to my lack of productivity.

tl;dr

fandom twitter truly is a dumpster fire

twitter itself is helping ruin my life (not bc of anything happening on it but just its presence)

i am just purposely consuming bad news and shitty takes and making myself feel worse and i need to stop

[pedalfuzz]

Hopscotch 2018: Pedal Fuzz Picks

The Hopscotch Music Festival is almost here! From September 6-8, downtown Raleigh, NC, will be electric with nearly-non-stop music. The Pedal Fuzz team scoured the schedule of over 120 bands for some of the acts we can't wait to see.

Our picks come from Dustin K. Britt, Melvyn Brown, Jon Foster, Eddie Garcia, and Tom Sowders. 

  H.C. McEntire - Thursday, 5:50pm (City Plaza)

I'm not going to lie or flatter myself: when I initially saw the Hopscotch lineup for 2018, I didn't recognize the name H.C. McEntire. I'd kind of slept on Un Deux Trois and Mount Moriah, even though when I'd hear them in passing they'd be added to my ever-expanding Mental List Of Things That I Definitely Need To Sit Down And Give A Serious Listen To Sometime Soon. But when I realized that H.C. McEntire was also Heather McEntire, from erstwhile mid-2000s Durham band Bellafea, I perked up pretty quickly: I loved Bellafea every time I saw them to the extent that I've considered peeling one of their old stickers off of a friend's bumper and keeping it for myself (sorry, Adam). Heather/H.C.'s new stuff is soulful and self-searching, and country-tinged in a way that avoids cynical, syrupy pastiche in favor of the authentic and sincere. I've now had a few serious listens through my headphones, but I can't wait to hear this stuff live. -  Melvyn Brown

 Real Estate - Thursday, 7:15pm (City Plaza)

I got into a fun fight with a friend a few weeks ago about whether or not "New Jersey sux LOL" is a lazy and unoriginal take (correct answer: it is!), and along with Walt Whitman and The Wrens, the band Real Estate was one of my main arguments on the Garden State's behalf. "It's Real" from 2011's Days is the cut that immediately made me a fan: the melodic interplay between the guitars, the rhythmic counterpoints and switchbacks from the bass and the drums, and the keyboard swirls all come together to produce a sound that's dreamy yet grounded, effervescent yet substantial, focused yet effortless. Martin Courtney's vocals wash cooly above it all, like waves over the sand on some idyllic Jersey Shore afternoon. The overall impression is clean, direct, and mildly euphoric, something like the mirror twin of a hangover-induced panic attack. -  Melvyn Brown

 The Flaming Lips - Thursday, 8:45pm (City Plaza)

I turned my attention to The Flaming Lips for the first time after finding out that Blake Schwarzenbach of Jawbreaker loved the song “The Gash,” off of The Soft Bulletin. I checked that song out and loved it and put it on a VERY important volume of my personal mix cd series (I believe it was Stinger Vol. 13). Anyway, it became a favorite: so big and dreamy, like a sky full of javelins. Since then, The Flaming Lips have lavishly expanded indie rock into a colossal dreamscape full of giant eyeballs and lasers and feather boas, and I have still never seen them live. That’s bout to change, y’all - I’m eager to see what these fearless freaks do at Hopscotch. - Tom Sowders

 Deaf Wish - Thursday, 11:30pm (Slim’s)

I do ‘rock bands’ less and less. Whether it’s my age, the ‘been there done that’ sameness I so often encounter, or my compulsion  to explore ‘other’ sounds, I can’t say for sure. Probably all three. SO that’s why I find it goddamn significant that when I pressed play on the Deaf Wish song “FFS” (from a press release no less!) I listened to it three times in a row and sent it to a handful of friends. It’s got that Stooges snarl, the dissonance of Sonic Youth at their more aggressive early moments, and I bet it's going to smoke live. And every member of this Australian band takes turns at vocal duties, how cool is that? - Eddie Garcia

Thundercat – Friday, 7:15pm (City Plaza)

I first went to Japan in July 2000. It was a life-defining trip. In 2017, in connection with the college I teach for, I went again. The morning I woke up in Tokyo, I opened my window, and boiled some water for instant coffee. It was early. I looked out over the street. People were just starting to move around, starting to head to their jobs as the sun began to rise. The twelfth song on Thundercat’s album Drunk is “Tokyo.” Looking at the people from my tiny hotel room and thinking about the references in the song, both the song and the experience of being there again took on a new emotional depth. - Jon Foster

Grizzly Bear -  Friday, 8:45pm (City Plaza)

The quartet’s records emit a throng of atmospheric noises coming from some unidentified dimension. Airtight vocal harmonies, instrumental experimentation, and psychedelic soundscapes are easy enough to capture in the studio, but can Ed Droste et al. deliver a sonically precise package live with adequate spontaneity and animation? I intend to find out. - Dustin K.  Britt

  Yamantaka // Sonic Titan - Friday, 10:00pm (Fletcher)

I never knew I wanted to hear a mix of shred / shoegaze / prog / pop but buddy was I wrong. And honestly, that’s not really doing justice to the melting pot of musical styles this band tackles. This experimental art & music collective swirls Buddhism with sci-fi while subverting the expectations of their Asian Canadian heritage. Their latest album is described as “the soundtrack for an unreleased Haudenosaunee- and Buddhist-themed Anime” From what I understand their live show involves much makeup and costumes and theatrical twists. I’m in. - Eddie Garcia

Shopping - Friday, 12:30am (Wicked Witch)

My wife introduced me to Shopping a couple years ago. We don’t always agree on what constitutes good music. That’s largely because I’m kind of a sad bastard who enjoys listening to the dreary music of other sad bastards, so that my own floating sadness can become inhabitable, and I can enter, sit down on a milkcrate, stay in there, stay safe and headphoned and probably wine drunk and blazed to bits. My wife prefers fun, cool music that ISN’T just an onanistic playground for narcissism masquerading as sensitivity. Anyway, it’s nice when we can land on a band that makes both our brains sparkle, and Shopping is such a band. Their music is like strutting with pointed toes on down a neon rainbow while LSD cartoons go dancing by in a great swirl toward the speaker at 174 bpm. I feel a physical need to get my groove on to their surfy, angular, rock ‘n’ roll dance music. - Tom Sowders

Moses Sumney -  Saturday, 6:40pm (Red Hat Amphitheater)

An expert a cappella arranger, Sumney’s androgynous voice seeps from the record player like a cloud of blue incense that gradually fills every room and penetrates your pores. On stage, his breath pushes gently against the spiritual waters of the amphitheater, growing exponentially into a wave that soars far above the heads of the crowd and crashes against every surrounding building. I plan to submerge myself along with the rest of downtown Raleigh, willing victims of the Sumney tsunami. - Dustin K.  Britt  

Nile Rodgers and Chic - Saturday, 8:00pm (Red Hat Amphitheater)

Even when I was too young to understand the songwriter/producer/session musician nexus or to have any concept of a trademark sound, I knew that I loved "Le Freak" (Chic), "Let's Dance" (David Bowie), and "We Are Family" (Sister Sledge) because they all had some essential, incredible thing in common. Time passed; I listened to more music, read more magazines and gatefolds and liner notes (and frankly, watched a heroic amount of VH1), and I eventually pieced together that the previously ineffable common link between these songs and approximately a million others was Nile Rodgers. Seriously, you could get pretty lost in the weeds trying to chase down every recording he's had a hand in–I just found out, for example, that he produced and played rhythm guitar on my favorite B-52s track, "Topaz”.  Like the telltale trumpet trills of a Capitol-era Sinatra record or the twelve-string twang of The Byrds, Rodgers leaves his indelible but never overbearing signature on everything he touches so that even if you can't quite put your finger on it, you're glad that he already has. - Melvyn Brown

MC50 – Saturday, 8:45pm (City Plaza)

There’s no reason for this to happen.  The last time the MC5 were together, Richard Nixon was still in office. Wayne Kramer is the only original member playing, which should give music fans some reservations about why this is happening. There’s too many high profiled reunion tours that last too long and barely have any connection with the original music. Why would I want to see this band? The answer is easy, Kim Thayil (Soundgarden) and Brendan Canty (Fugazi). If those guys are in your “cover band” then they’re worth seeing. - Jon Foster  

Palberta - Saturday, 10:30pm (Slim’s)

The problem with having too many music fans on your social media page is that you’re inundated with new stuff. There’s always something to check out. Most of the time I feel that listening to new music is homework: I have to listen to everything, or I won’t pass some god-awful hipster test. Add friend suggestions and posts from music blogs, and you’re never really on top of stuff. I “try” new things constantly, clicking on a few seconds of a new song three or four times a day. Somehow Palberta appeared in my Facebook newsfeed like it would for any “hip” 37 year old. I loved them immediately. They were trashy, noisy, and complicated all at the same time. They’re the perfect antidote for well-orchestrated soullessness. I imagine two things might happen when I see them: either they will play a transcendent show, or everything will fall apart as soon as they hit the stage. I don’t know which I prefer. - Jon Foster

Yonatan Gat - Saturday, 10:30pm (Pour House)

The first time I saw Yonatan Gat, he was playing as a trio on the floor of Snug Harbor in Charlotte. Setup in a circle, the band had lamps with colored bulbs surrounding them. Gat would switch them off and on to indicate a change was coming in the (to my ears) largely improvised songs they were playing. Gat (who the Village Voice once named best guitarist in NYC) is a dexterous, dynamic player who eschews effects, save for a wah-wah pedal leading into a reverb soaked amp. And the band is a Hendrix-Experience-but-in-the-2010s ball of psych freakout, holding it down while creeping into catchy chaos. On the latest album Universalists, radical tape-splicing techniques were used in assembling the record; I’m very eager to hear how that fractured methodology takes shape live. - Eddie Garcia

Mind Over Mirrors - Saturday, 11pm (Fletcher)

Last year’s Undying Color was one of my favorite albums of 2017. The drone of Jaime Fennelly’s harmonium was elevated by propulsive rhythms, searing synths, and cascading mysterious vocals. The blend was intoxicating. This year’s Bellowing Sun I can only describe as a Steve Reich dance party. They describe it as, “a sonic inquiry into celestial cycles and the illuminating nature of darkness.” So see, you win either way really. My No. 1 pick. - Eddie Garcia

Sarah Shook & The Disarmers -  Saturday, 11:00pm (Lincoln Theatre)

Once a beloved pourer of libations at Chapel Hill’s (not closing) The Cave, triangle folks haven’t seen much of our hometown hero lately, and for a damn good reason: our queer country crooner is ruling the world on a major tour. Shook and company stomped through Charlotte in June to open for Willie Nelson, and now the Triangle kids are getting our turn. - Dustin K.  Britt

Grouper - Saturday, 12:00am (Fletcher)

I think I’ve established that ONE kind of music I like to listen to is sad, sad music. I think this predilection emerged sometime around the release of Use Your Illusion II by Guns N' Roses. “Civil War,” “November Rain,” me swaying in my dark bedroom with a bowl cut, you get the idea. Well, I’m not ten anymore, so I need SADDER. I can’t wait to stand before the unfurling sparkle of the sequin weighted blanket that is Grouper. I just want to feel it in my sad bastard body. I need a hit, man, and Grouper’s got the sad stuff. - Tom Sowders

Dustin K. Britt is a Durham-based performing arts critic and award-winning theatre artist. He is the managing editor of Chatham Life & Style and provides content for IndyWeek and Carolina Parent. In your spare time, you can stalk him on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  

Melvyn Brown is a musician (Toothsome, Broads, NONCANON, Ladies Auxiliary) and writer from Greensboro, NC who is also passionate about the Four Ts: taking photographs, Thai food, technology, and thrift stores. His appreciation of Scotch whisky is not necessarily related to Steely Dan. You can follow him on Twitter, Instagram, or at generalclearinghouse.com

JON FOSTER IS A MAIL-ARTIST, TEACHER, AND PASSIONATE DEFENDER OF MATH ROCK. 

EDDIE GARCIA PLAYS GUITAR AND ALL THE PEDALS AS 1970S FILM STOCK. YOU CAN ALSO HEAR HIM REPORTING ON NPR AFFILIATE 88.5 WFDD IN WINSTON-SALEM, NC. IN THE WEE HOURS HE RUNS PEDAL FUZZ, WHICH IS A PROUD RECIPIENT OF A GRANT FROM THE ARTS ENTERPRISE LAB / KENAN INSTITUTE FOR THE ARTS.

Tom Sowders pirouettes angrily through the streets of downtown Raleigh. Like really aggressively, really windmilling his arms around. His hobbies are not using his PhD and fronting the band Toothsome. 

[constant-ringing]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Here’s some stuff from 2017 that I liked. Not sure why you’re reading this, honestly. No particular order for anything.

Full-Lengths

BROCKHAMPTON - Saturation I, II, and III

Forest Swords - Compassion

Nnamdi Ogbonnaya - Drool

SZA - CTRL

Sampha - Process

Power Trip - Nightmare Logic

Ibibio Sound Machine - Uyai

Shilpa Ray - Door Girl

Career Suicide - Action Response

Idles - Brutalism

Nexul - Paradigm of Chaos

Tetragrammacide - Primal Incinerators of Moral Matrix

Bell Witch - Mirror Reaper

Iglooghost - Neō Wax Bloom

Woe - Hope Attrition

Bibio - Phantom Brickworks

Jlin - Black Origami

Protomartyr - Relatives In Descent

Ellen Arkbro - For Organ and Brass

Oxbow - Thin Black Duke

Honorable Mentions

Lingua Ignota - All Bitches Die

Midnight - Sweet Death and Ecstasy

Rapsody - Laila’s Wisdom

Algiers - The Underside of Power

Ascended Dead - Abhorrent Manifestation

Phrenelith - Desolate Endscape

Heresiarch - Death Ordinance

Guerilla Toss - GT Ultra

William Basinski - A Shadow In Time

Necrot - Blood Offerings

Some Notes

Only ____ Is Real: I really liked death metal this year. Had to cut some releases out of my lists so the moribund wouldn’t overrule the living. In addition to the heat above, the old guard came though: Suffocation, Immolation, Incantation, Obituary all had solid offerings and Morbid Angel returned to their damn senses. 

Trash Compactor: Everything else was lacking for me. I didn’t care for most of the big ticket punk/hardcore releases (in the MRR sense or any other), nor did I like any of the Pitchfork darlings that aren’t on the lists above. DAMN. is overrated af, y’all. Accept truth. “For the streets” now means “for the basics / focus groups / DJ Akademiks clones of the world”. Nothing wrong with that, unless you were hoping that an emcee at the top of his game would stop pandering to Big Sean fans. 

Rotting Nostalgia: I love At the Drive-In, LCD Soundsystem, Converge and Full of Hell. I did not love the 2017 albums by these bands. Prurient’s Frozen Niagara Falls is possibly my favorite album of 2015. I can’t tell you how Rainbow Mirror fares, because that shit is over three hours long and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Loveless > Lovelorn: I’m going to shout out the Moses Sumney LP for a second, because even though I didn’t love it as much as I wanted to, Sumney showed incredible potential and he (finally finally fucking finally!) created a space for something that resonates with me deeply - the heartache of the aromantic black man. 

Ehhhhhhhhh: Despite everything here, I really wasn’t that deep into music this year. From the looks of things, I don’t think I missed much.

Oh Shit, I Almost Forgot - EPs

Death Worship - Extermination Mass

Death Grips - Steroids (Crouching Tiger Hidden Gabber)

Klein - Tommy

Moor Mother x Mental Jewelry - Crime Waves

Paul White [ft. Danny Brown] - Accelerator

Midnight - Shox of Violence

Thantifaxath - Void Masquerading As Matter

Denzel Curry - 13

Witch Vomit - Poisoned Blood

Kamasi Washington - Harmony of Difference

Live Sets

Midnight (Neptune Theatre, Seattle, WA)

Lebenden Toten (Vera Project, also Seattle)

Cold Sweat (ditto)

Mykki Blanco (Neumos + also Capitol Hill Block Party, Seattle)

Xylitol (Obsidian, Olympia, WA)

Limp Wrist (same)

Cattle Decapitation (yes, this was in Seattle too)

Sun Ra Arkestra (Seattle Union Transfer, Philadelphia, PA)

Void Omnia (Barboza, caught only like 15 minutes of their set but these dudes are crazy good live)

Danny Brown (every Danny set is the best set he has ever played. CHBP.)

Top Ten Miscellany

Quitting social media. If you don’t know, you don’t need to.

Therapy, Mental Health, and Accountability

Taking lifting seriously for the first time ever

Leaving procurement after five shit-eating years

I seriously love my friends who stuck around for me and would not accept “I’m toxic and I’m trash” for an answer

Watching #MeToo unfurl from the sidelines

Bojack Horseman. All of it.

The Undoing Project: A Friendship That Changed Our Minds by Michael Lewis

Kedai Makan is a goddamn Seattle treasure.

The hope for more much-needed growth, healing, and ownership next year and beyond

I’m not coming back for a while. See you’ll, space cowards.