#y’all hate on regular sized people and I have had ENOUGH

[babsvibes]

Re: Rudy grows up to be tall

Have you no shame? Have you no decency? To take a beloved regular-sized character and NOT commit to the regular-sized bit? Where is your regular-sized HUMANITY that-

[sheabuttahwrites]

can i hit it in the Morning? the sun rising while you Moanin'...

when Ever meets a handsome and intriguing stranger online, she grapples with whether or not she should take the potentially harmful chance of meeting up with him in person. after only one video chat. 

he's so close that it must be fate, right? and he’s most likely not a murderer so, really, what's the worst that could happen? 

in the Morning ( Yahya Abdul-Mateen II x Black Plus Size OC )

Genre: Smut Warnings: 18+, Explicit Language, Alcohol and Drug Use

Shea Buttah Bakery Masterlist story masterlist

I.

Bored and disappointed as hell, I dropped the remote and grabbed my laptop from the other side of the bed. My expected, and much anticipated, company had just called to announce that he and, most upsetting for me, his penis wouldn’t be able to make it tonight. Flaky ass nigga. I huffed and opened the laptop, logging on to Skype and starting to look for this one guy I had talked to a while back. He seemed cool, and was so fine, but I hardly ever kept people in my contacts for long. I never saved my call history either. Luckily, I remembered his name having something like the word ‘stunt’ in it, so I typed it into the search bar and started to scan the profiles that came up in the results.

A few minutes into my hunt, I got a call, interrupting the process. But it was my girl, Koree. As if she didn’t have my actual phone number. I laughed before even answering, knowing she would have something slick waiting for me. “What’s up, boop?”

“What the hell you doing on here this late?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “I could be asking you the same thing.”

She half shrugged and turned away for a second, coming off mighty suspicious. “I’m just tryna look out for you.”

I didn’t even dignify that mess with a response. I let my blank face say everything for me and, before long, we were crackin’ up. “Girl, please.”

“Nah, but, for real, I just got done talking to my boo. He’s on another one of those damn business trips.”

“Awwww.”

“I knooow,” she whined, looking all pitiful. “You already know I miss him.”

“Yeah, I know. But what were y’all, um, 'talking' about at,” I stopped to look up at the time on my screen, “3am?”

“Nothing, really. Just a regular conversation.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, bouncing my brow in full on doubt. “I bet. With y’all nasty asses.”

She fell out, dying laughing in the most telling way. “Don’t hate, Evy Ev.”

“Hate?” I scrunched my face at her choice of words. She knew me better than that. “You know I gets mine.”

“And you know you need to start lookin’ for somebody to settle down with.”

“Oh, God.” I reached up and grabbed my heart, distress all over my expression. She was giving me chest pains. “Settle down? You on a roll this morning, huh? Girl, stop.”

“Yeah, whatever. I can’t wait until somebody has your ass gone.”

“Why are we even talking about this right now? How did this become the conversation?”

“You in denial, but it’s bound to happen.”

“Yeah, well, it did happen. And one time was more than enough for me. You were there, were you not?” I snapped, frown still in place, wondering if she had forgotten or something.

“I was, and I’ll continue to believe that your person is out there, girl. I’m telling you. You gon’ be so in love, and they gon’ be so good to you. Ooh, I can’t wait!”

I just rolled my eyes and waved her aggravating behind off. All she could do was laugh. “Mhmm. But, if you don’t mind, I was busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Eww. Minding mine, nosy.”

“Yeah. You better not be doing nothing crazy. I see that robe. Probably naked up under there,” she teased lightheartedly, giggling at her own joke.

I held my laughs and threw on a little false indifference to go with it. I loved messing with her. “Maybe.”

“Ever.” In a matter of seconds, her smile and tone both fell as she morphed from my best friend to a concerned parent.

“I’m just playin’, girl. Fix your face.” I was almost in tears laughing at her. I really wasn’t expecting her to fall for that one and so quickly. “The only reason I’m even wearing this is because I was supposed to be having company. But his ass backed out last minute.” My own face soured again just thinking about it. 

“That’s what you get,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Excuse you? You don’t wish canceled dick appointments on anybody. Have some class.”

“Anyway, I’m going to bed. You should, too.”

“Nope, I’m not sleepy. I’m ’bout to find me a lil cutie on here to chop it up with for a few minutes. I don’t feel like actual niggas anymore.”

She looked at me and frowned from the depths of her soul. I mean, face was just too stank. “You be on here talkin’ to randoms?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Don’t look at me like that.” I was even frowning a bit myself. “It’s fun. Plus, I’m bored.”

“Mhmm.”

“A thug just trying to have an innocent conversation. Sheesh!”

“Ok, sis,” she continued in a high pitched tone, blowing me off. Like I was lying or something. 

I smacked my lips at her. “Don’t be like that.”

“You the one. Don’t get yourself in trouble over there tonight. Behave.”

“Yes ma’am,” I snickered. Little did she know, her warnings had gone unheeded. 

“I’m going my tired butt to sleep. Goodnight, girl. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Ok, boop. ’Night.”

Koree was always bothering me about ‘settling down’. And she knew, better than anybody, that that mess was no longer part of my chemical makeup. I had many options that I took full advantage of, and I just couldn’t see my life going any other way. Whether she wanted to believe it or not, I actually enjoyed being single. I mean, what in the world could one person, the same person, over and over possibly do for me? Other than bore me to death, nothing. And I could most certainly do without the stress and drama that relationships always come with. Just real extra for no reason. That being tied down shit just wasn’t for me.

And I was not naked underneath my robe. Not completely anyway.

I was, however, having a very hard time finding the guy I was looking for. So, I brought up my Apple Music to find some tunes to vibe to while I searched. I began to scroll down, looking at the artist column to try and figure out what type of mood I was in. Almost instantly, I stopped at Dru Hill and clicked on the song I wanted to hear the most, ‘Never Make A Promise’. As it came through my speakers, I quietly sang along and went back to Skype, continuing to sift through profiles. 

Until one stopped me dead in my tracks.

“Daaamn, Gina!”

It wasn’t who I had originally been searching for, but later for that man. This one was fine as fuck! And he was in Cali.

“Oh my Gooood,” I groaned, leaning in to get a closer look at his pic. It was small, but I could see him from the chest up. His body held this black aviator jacket and a black tee and, of course, he looked amazing in them. He had on semi dark shades and a beanie, so I couldn't see much of his eyes or his hair, but his beard and mustache were very neatly trimmed. And those lips… my God, those lips. Then, on top of all that, he had the nerve to be smiling. And it wasn’t a regular one either, it was that cute ass half smile guys always do whenever they’re trying to be, well, cute. And, let me tell you, that thing was pretty enough to induce tears.

His username was Stunna and he was undeniably one of the most beautiful men I had seen in a really long time. And he wasn’t even the type of guy I was usually attracted to. Baby faces were my kryptonite, but he was, without a doubt, grown as hell. Had my mouth watering up a storm.

He was contact material all day. I hit the button to add him, but I had no intention of calling him any time soon. I couldn’t seem too anxious. So, I went back to my browser and started to sing along again, turning my attention to my Twitter. Like always, my timeline was dry and my DMs and mentions were filled with spam. Frustrated, I smacked my lips and logged out. Next, I jumped on Facebook. I was never really there much, so I had tons of messages, friend requests, game invites and other mess. I logged out of that, too. I even picked up the remote again, but, after confirming that there really was nothing on any of those useless ass hundreds of channels, I just turned the TV off altogether.

As I sat there actually contemplating if I should dig through the catacombs of my mind and try to remember my MySpace login, my laptop started to ring for the second time, cutting my song right in the middle. For a moment, I thought it was Koree getting ready to bother me again, but it wasn’t. It was Stunna. I was so shocked, and hella nervous for some reason, but it brought a smile to my face nonetheless.

I debated whether I should answer or not, but boredom moved my hand to answer for me. When he popped up, he was even more beautiful than his picture. He wasn't wearing a hat or glasses, and them waves was on swim—so dey hade on him—you hear me? Damn. I think I lost the ability to speak for a minute.

“What up?”

“Nothin’, chillin’. What’s up with you?”

“Not much. Um, we know each other?” He looked so confused, I had to laugh.

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You good. I just wanted to make sure. I was talking to my lil cousin and saw you added me.”

“Yeah. Sometimes I like to browse and add a few… interesting looking people.”

“Interesting, huh?” he asked, recreating that killer of a half smile in real time. “What that look like?”

“Mostly like you can hold an actual conversation. Just for when I’m bored.”

“So, you tryna use me. Ok.”

I smacked my lips at him, but I probably could’ve worded it a little better. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m messin’ with you,” he said, with a slight laugh. “You look pretty interesting yourself. So, what’s up?”

I just smiled, shaking my head. I couldn't let him see me sweat. “Nothing at all. I just flipped through like 300 channels and nothing’s on, can’t find nothing to do, and my phone dry as ever.”

“I feel you. That was me until my cousin sent a text telling me to get on here. Her and her friends just drunk dialed me.”

“Oh, no,” I laughed.

“Yeah, and she ain’t even 21. I’ma kick her ass. They was in that dorm lit; you should’ve seen ’em.”

“Awww, leave her alone.”

“You must be a lil badass, too.”

“Somethin’ like that.” He chuckled and I couldn’t help but do the same. That deep, buttery smooth voice of his was mesmerizing. Definitely had me ready to spread something. 

“I don’t mean to be nosy, but where are you from? ’Cause you don’t sound like West coast, you sound like down South.”

I giggled at the ask. Obviously this wasn't the first time I had been questioned over the drawl in my voice. But, this time, I didn’t mind it so much. “Yeah, that’s probably because I’m from Atlanta. But I been here for a while. I guess the Gawja just never left my voice.”

“Yeah. I’m glad.” He smiled again and I actually felt my face warm up. Lord, this man. 

“You from here or you a transplant, too?”

“Well, I’m originally from Oakland, but I’ve been here since I was a kid.”

“So you a north Cali boy at heart, huh?”

“Through and through. I try to go back as much as I can.”

“That’s dope. I haven't been back home in a minute.”

“You should go. Breaks from L.A. are necessary.”

“You ain’t lying about that. But, um, you never told me your name.”

“Yahya. What’s yours?”

“My name’s Evony. But everybody calls me Ev.” I was lying. I didn't know him, though, so he had to get my internet moniker. He could only get the real name if he made it past the free trial period. All of my rules thus far had flown the coop, but I had to maintain some type of stability here. 

“Evony. I like that. Never heard it before.”

“Thanks. My mom gave it to me.”

“Yeah? And how long ago was that?”

I was too tickled at him asking my age on the sly. It was cute. “I’m almost 29. Definitely nothing underage going on over here.”

“You know a nigga gotta check nowadays,” he quipped, with a chuckle.

“I do. So let me check on you now.”

“Oh, ok.” He dropped his head, still laughing a bit. “I just turned 32 ‘bout three months ago.”

“Ok, you good.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m good.” At that point, I was convinced that he was using his smile as a weapon. How dare he? The amount of continued effort I’d had to use to keep cool since this interaction had started was ridiculous. 

“So, where are you located exactly?”

“I can’t tell you, that’s dangerous.”

“Boy, stop.”

“I’m jokin’,” he said, laughing again. I playfully rolled my eyes, replacing my sudden grimace with an amused grin. “I’m out here in Ladera.”

“That’s crazy. I’m in Baldwin Hills.”

“Ok. You just up the street a lil bit.”

“Literally. I’ve never spoken to anybody on here so close before. Why haven’t I ever seen you around?”

“I don’t know. I’m kinda upset about that myself.”

I frowned to match his subtle one, genuinely confused. “Upset? Why?”

“‘Cause I wouldn’t mind bumpin’ into you a time or two.”

Completely taken aback, I let my head fall in a pointless attempt to hide the astonishment I had already shown. Wooo, honey! Who was this nigga and, more importantly, what was he trying to do? I had to laugh. It was the only way I could recover. Needless to say, I was highly intrigued.

“And I definitely wouldn’t mind being bumped. A time or two.”

His eyes popped as his head shifted backward, helping his smirk to illuminate his entire face. Similar to what I assume my own face had looked like not even a minute ago. “Oh... aight.”

I could not believe I had just said that. On the other hand, I wouldn't be me if I didn't let him know that he wasn't the only one with the shits. Yeah, he may have had me shook, but I wasn't scared by a long shot. And he had to be made aware. Slowly creeping up on me was the trouble my girl and I had just spoken about. At that moment, ending the conversation probably would’ve been best, but I honestly wasn't ready to leave. The way my night was going, a little trouble among new friends didn't sound half bad. 

“I’m trippin’. I really need to go to bed.”

“Aww, you tired of me already?”

“Not at all.”

“Then stay. Let me see that pretty face for a few more minutes.”

Once more, my reaction was instant. But it was a sickened look muddled by a flattered grin that I could not contain. A clear contradiction that truly matched how I felt. I didn't even bother turning away this time. Shit, he knew. “I guess.”

“So, I got you for a lil while longer?” he asked, after a very cute and hearty chuckle.

I gave way to his sorcery, allowing the already present softness to wash over the rest of my features. “Just a little.”

And, in return, I was blessed with that incredible smile again. “That’s cool. I can work with that.”

@lemmewritesomeish @thisiswhatshefelt​ 

-taglist-

[hopelesshawks]

Hey hey pspspsps if ur down to write some genshin headcanons👀👀 I’d loveee to see some modern au Tohma, Xiao, Kaeya, Childe, Zhongli and Diluc headcanons 👀👀 like college age mayhaps 👀👀

Ohhh ok BUCKLE UP KIDS it’s Genshin modern college au headcanons here we go!

Warnings for alcohol mention and very brief mention of recreational drug use

I feel like I should disclaimer that I’m in a coed frat and went to a small to mid size technical school that’s pretty nerdy so my experience with frats is probably very different and not nearly as gross as the like general US State School experience can be

Tohma

Smooth talker, big man on campus 100%

Probably joined a frat literally the minute he could for the connections and so he could meet even more people

Dude has been throwing ragers since like the first month of his freshman year, you don’t know how he knows so many goddamn people on campus he just does

Seems like a player and hopeless flirt but is actually such a dorky little himbo when you get to know him

If you need any kind of recommendation on anything he’s your guy. From the best spots to nap on campus to the best restaurants within walking distance.

In a relationship he’s super open about his affection and probably is into PDA. It’s not a possessive thing, he’s just so in awe he gets to have you that he wants to enjoy every second of it so why miss out on a hug or kiss from you just because there’s a few people around

Xiao

The first several times you interacted you were probably forced too. Like you were partners on a group assignment so he had to deal with you for a little bit and eventually warmed up

Has a reputation among the rest of your class for how standoffish he is so when he started hanging out with you a few of the other people from your year legit were just like “h o w” and you can’t even give them a proper answer tbh because even you don’t know

Is probably some kind of writing/English/history major

Not only is willing to fight anyone who tries to imply his degree isn’t as useful as a STEM one, but actually has gotten in multiple, some of which almost came down to an actual physical fight before you dragged him away

Definitely pouted about you pulling him away but will yell at you if you call it pouting

In a relationship there is almost no PDA. He might hold your hand and if someone makes him jealous enough he may pull you a little closer and/or put himself between the two of you but for the most part he feels like his relationship is no one else’s goddamn business and he has no interest in giving people a show

Kaeya

The biggest little shit as always

Also joined a frat but is mostly in it for the free booze and he says the brotherhood but you’re pretty sure he just likes the way the other members hang on his every word when he speaks

Doesn’t believe in the cult-like level of loyalty some frats expect and so will 1000% report any of his fellow brothers who try to be shady/scummy/gross. No one would dare get mad at him for it so it’s actually helped the frat stay a healthy environment, 10/10 could trust the guys there with your drinks

Honestly at this point the frat is pretty much just Kaeya’s Followers(tm) and by his senior year the juniors get worried about it because “uhhh who becomes Kaeya when Kaeya graduates” and when they try to ask Kaeya this question he just winks and gives an answer that is entirely unhelpful and sounds like it’s at least 80% bullshit

Never seems to go to class and yet somehow always has amazing grades

In a relationship acts very flirty and is constantly teasing you in public, but stops short of anything above mild pda and in private gets really soft and sweet he’ll deny it if you try to point this out in front of others though

Childe

Is in the literal douchiest frat on campus fuck the Fatui like you’re constantly trying to get him to de-brother but he’s got a misplaced loyalty to them that keeps him in the organization

First time you met him you wanted to punch him in the face but he also quickly becomes the only thing stopping you from failing out of a class the two of you share and over the course of that time he manages to win you over at least a little bit

It’s all fun and games until someone pisses him off. He’s another one that you have to try and drag away from physical altercations on a semi-regular basis

Once he notices that you care enough to try and drag him away or worry about him if he’s injured in a fight, he starts picking more of them just to see your reaction

Even if y’all’s relationship is entirely platonic he flirts with you. He thinks it’s funny when he can manage to fluster you so he tries to make a game out of it even if he doesn’t actually mean any of the things he’s saying

If you guys are in a relationship he definitely packs on the PDA, partially to fluster you, partially because he’s possessive and he doesn’t like the way some of his frat brothers look at you sometimes so he wants everyone to be totally clear on who exactly you belong to

Zhongli

Still rich, still never has any fucking money on him. The number of times you’ve had to cover for this man because he’s forgotten his wallet in his dorm or straight up lost it is honestly ridiculous at this point but you can’t even be mad at it because he invites you to his family’s beach house and shit to compensate

He’s the kind of rich where his family has had money forever so he genuinely doesn’t even realize that some things aren’t normal experiences like not everyone grew up with a butler and all designer clothes, etc.

Definitely an Econ major because his parents want him to take over the family corporation but on the low has 0 intentions of doing so and actually intends to create his own start up after graduation and do something he wants to do without having to answer to anyone

He’s so pretty and for what? Mans is oblivious as fuck. Literally half the people on campus that are into dudes have a crush on him but he has no idea and if you try to point it out to him he’ll wave you off

In a relationship he’s either taking you to the shitty Mexican restaurant on campus that’s open until like 3am on weekends or five star restaurants, no in between. You’re either eating like royalty because he knows you deserve it, or eating like broke college kids because he wants the ✨experience✨

He gives me gentlemanly PDA vibes, like he’s not gonna makeout with you in the quad but he’ll kiss your hand or your cheek, hold you close to him, and otherwise make it clear that he’s very much happily in love with you

Diluc

Not only is this man not in a frat, he probably actively campaigns against their existence and isn’t quiet about hating them

Always goes to class and thus always has amazing grades

Won’t get into physical fights the way Childe and Xiao do even though he could hold his own in one if he wanted to, but regularly gets into debates with people and is not afraid to drag you into the middle of it even if it has nothing to do with you

Doesn’t drink which frequently means him playing caretaker/mom friend when y’all go to parties together and while he might complain about it he secretly loves that you trust him to take care of you if you get sloppy drunk/high/crossed

Flusters easily but good at hiding it. If you flirt with this man in public his expression won’t change while he’s telling you to stop fucking around but his face will be going as red as his hair

In a relationship he’s not a fan of PDA but is a fan of you, so while he probably keeps the affection to a minimum while you’re out and about he still is maintaining some sort of physical contact with you most of the time or at the very least is keeping you close

[imagine-organization-xiii]

I'd love to see the organization member's finding out their s/o is actually genderfluid. Or perhaps transgender, please and thank you!

I left it fairly vague, but someone who reviewed this post for me said that it leaned more toward FtM - that being said, I hope you all enjoy!

ALSO *spoilers* Demyx is 100% also trans in this so y’all can fight me

Masterlist here!

oOoOoOo

Xemnas - Loves you for your brain, not your body. All he cares about is that you’re comfortable with who you are in your own body, whether you identify as male, as female, or as something a little in between. Holy shit, he’s also fiercely protective. Unfortunately attitudes regarding transgender people are less positive than they should be, so he’s ready to SNAP at anyone who bothers to misgender you or give you strange or hateful looks.

Xigbar - Xigbar has been a lot of different people over the years, so he was like… okay, whatever, you want to go get burgers now? It’s as regular to him as breathing. He was extremely casual about it - I mean, you know you better than he does, and if this is who you are now then… okay! He’s there for it! If you’re aren’t out, know that he’ll follow your lead. He’ll use your chosen name and pronouns in private until you give him permission to use them in public, but just know that he will always support you no matter what you decide.

Xaldin - he wouldn’t say that he was uncomfortable with the idea of you being transgender - he was more uncomfortable that you didn’t say anything and that you spent so much time LETTING him refer to you as the wrong gender. He’ll understand your reluctance, but he’ll make it clear that you can trust him with anything and that you don’t need to hide who you are. He’ll defend you to the death, if needed.

Vexen - Does as much research as he can to fully understand what you’re going through, the science behind it, and tries to figure out the best way for him to help you. Do you want top or bottom surgery? He’s got the best experts/surgeons in the universe on speed dial. You need a new prescription for hormones? He’s got it for you already. Wants you to feel comfortable in your own body and will do whatever he can to make that happen.

Lexaeus - This BEEF MAN is SO SOFT. He knows NOTHING about people who are transgender but he will do research!!! He might not understand it, but he’s happy to listen to you explain anything he doesn’t understand - or he might even go to Vexen for explanations if he’s trying to surprise you with research.

Zexion - we all know that Zexion is intelligent, but this is one subject in which he’s pretty ignorant. But that’s okay!!! You get to teach him what it means to identify as transgender, and he’s SO happy to learn. You’re a great teacher and he’ll happily listen to you talk for hours - it’s really just a bonus that he gets to learn something! You both are around the same size, so he won’t even complain if you take some of his clothes to wear, too.

Saix - Saix grew up in a fairly conservative family - he thinks he might have gravitated toward Lea as a kid because the kid was just so outrageous and a deep contrast to his stifling family. He goes cold when he realizes that you’re transgender, not because he hates it, but because he’s WORRIED for you. He knows how awful people can be to things they don’t understand, and he’s so concerned that he won’t be near you and you might get hurt because of some ignorant asshole on the street. Won’t let you leave his side unless you promise him that you’ll continue to be careful and that you’ll let him know if you need him to help you handle a bad situation.

Axel - Can really tell that you’re worried and stressed out, so he might try to make you feel better by making jokes. “Oh, you’re a trans guy? That’s awesome, good thing that I’m bisexual.” You already knew that he liked guys as much as girls, but to see him refer to you as a guy so casually almost makes you cry. Axel is always such a genuine boyfriend, so it’s reassuring to know that he cares about you that much.

Demyx - All but... kind of bursts into tears?? Surprise, surprise, Demyx is also trans. It explains a lot about his attitude and personality in general and you’re happy to share your stories with each other. He’s ready to support you and give information to anyone who doesn’t quite understand your experience. He knows it will take you a while to steady yourself physically and emotionally, so he’s ready to field any questions or concerns to make sure that you aren’t stressed out.

Luxord - Always knew that there was something special about you and now he knows what it is. Smug as hell, not because of your situation, but because he knew there was something off about you - but now that you’ve told him you’re transgender, he hopes that you trust him enough to show him the real you. He’s so proud of you and happy that you were brave enough to share this with him.

Marluxia - Kind of already had an idea that you weren’t quite comfortable with yourself, so Marluxia isn’t surprised when you tell him that you’re transgender. The gender of your body didn’t quite match with the gender of your mind, and reassures you that this is common and fine! You’re allowed to feel this way and you can do what you can to be comfortable with yourself.

Larxene - Larxene literally doesn’t care - you know what, if you’re happy and this is who you are then okay??? She doesn’t date you because of your genitalia, obviously. She may be tiny and you might be larger than her, but hot damn she will FIGHT anyone that’s rude or prejudiced. Also, shopping trips? She’ll definitely take you to some of her favorite places to get clothes and shoes - and she also won’t complain if you want to have a mani-pedi date.

Roxas - has literally no idea what’s going on, but damn he’s ready to SUPPORT. It takes him a while to understand the logistics of being trans, but he’s horrified that you spent so much time not being able to be who you actually are. He’ll have a lot of questions, so just be ready to be patient with it. He doesn’t want to upset or insult you, but it will take a bit before his ignorance becomes knowledge - when that happens, he’ll be happy to help everyone else understand your situation.

Xion - Your number one cheerleader and support system, without a doubt. By your side through hormone therapy if you’re able to take that route, ready to hold your hand before and after top/bottom surgery, basically just ready to help you with anything. Wants you to feel good about yourself because she knows how amazing and wonderful you are - the rest of the world needs to know it, too!

[writtentodeath]

What would y’all think if I posted a short story I wrote in... it was march, actually. hmm... yes? no? 

Too bad Imma do it anyway

Ren looked up at the colossal tree. Even its lower limbs scraped against the purple sky, and the solitary beacon that lit the planet shone from the top-- a place so high, so perilously close to the Sleeping Mother of All, that even when it dimmed, no one dared try and scale it.

It dimmed every twelve hours, leaving enough time for darkness to creep into corners before shining just as brightly as ever.

But something was wrong. It dimmed at its usual hour, but never brightened again.

And now Ren stands at the foot of the giant, staring up into the peaks of a monstrous creature.

No one had ever climbed it. No one knew what was up there.

The tree is too tall to climb, Ren thought. That’s why the Errants never reached the top-- they all died before they got there. 

But I… I don’t have a choice. I have to reach the top.

Ren smiled, a hesitant curve to his lips. 

And I won’t have to climb, he thought.

He turned, looking back at the cliff overlooking the valley. Many had tried to jump from there and glide to the tree, but if any had survived long enough to read the tree, they soon perished. 

A minute later, he was at the top. From this height, he could see various piles of bones scattered around the tree.

I might as well try it, he figured. 

He took off running towards the edge.

Oh, I hate myself so much right now, he thought, and leapt off the cliff.

He falls. His heart goes kathunk. His back half left his front half behind, his spine staying at the top along with his resolve. Ground. Green. Ground. Sky.

Kathunk. 

His lungs stop. 

Kathunk. 

Wings, blue as the ocean, snap out behind him, and he painfully jerks into a slower fall.

A few strong beats and he’s back in the sky, having reclaimed the various portions of his body that he’d lost. Back, stomach, lungs… all there. Suddenly the fear left, and the wind in his hair and the cold in his throat was everything. He was weightless. He was…

Free. So free. 

Tree. Light. Mission. Urgent. Urgent. Impending death.

Kai. 

His vision cleared. Kai needed his help. He would die if Ren failed.

I won’t fail you, he promised. Kai couldn’t hear him, but he would know. Kai would know.

He soared.

The immense wood grew even larger the closer he flew to the tree, pulsing streaks of color arcing up the trunk. He circled around the tree a few times, surveying the ground far below. He risked a glance up.

Off, off into the far distant darkness of swirling indigoes and purple, out stretched the branches of the tree, beating with color, spreading life to even the farthest reaches of the universe. They stretched beyond the light that gave life to his small rock. 

The light that gave life to Kai. 

The light that was barely lit at all, and soon…

Ren began the long ascent.

As he flew, racing upward along with the colored streaks on the trunk, he started to see faces in the wood, beings, spirits from times long past, lost in the sap and the rings of the tree.

The people, he realized, the ache vanishing from his shoulders for a moment. It’s the people that fuel the tree, make it grow. Layers of lives upon lives, all continuing on in the tree. 

But if people are what makes it grow, what could make a light shine that brightly, and for so long? And how could someone as inconsequential as him possibly do anything to fix it?

He pushed harder on the downbeat of his wings, urging himself to go higher. Higher. Aching, higher.

I’ll find a way. I must. For Zia, Fenwick. 

For Kai.

His face would not join the spirits of the tree, he vowed. Not for a long time. No one else would suffer from whatever blight plagued the tree.

He flew higher, the ground long lost in the clouds.

Soon, he thought. Just a little longer, and I’ll get there.

He reached the first branch.

Rested. Continued. Just as he felt he couldn’t bear it anymore, he reached the second branch.

Rested. Continued.

Twelfth branch.

Fifteenth branch.

Thirty-second branch.

As he passed more and more, the branches grew closer together, making the flying a bit easier.

If there were a night, two would have passed by now. But with the only light steadily dimming, days and nights no longer existed. Just a long, long dusk.

Ren wanted to see again. To have light. To have life.

He flew. Now he circled back and forth up the tree, crawling up in tiny increments. It was agonizing, but it saved what little energy he had left.

Flap. Glide. Flap. Glide.

On. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. And on. Andonnandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandonandon.

Until

                He  

                              Reached

                                           The

                                                       Top.

Well, the start of the top. Where the main trunk stopped and the branches kept going, forming a basin surrounded by living towers.

He could see the light.

In the very center of the mesa stood a tree.

Miniscule, compared to what it grew upon.

A regular tree. A twisting brown trunk, knots and gnarls and branches-- but a deceptively beautiful covering of light pink blossoms encircled by dark blue leaves. From the very lowest branch hung a cage the size of Ren’s head.

He stumbled forward, his wings dragging on the ground behind him.

Inside the cage, a tiny figure no longer than his pinky lay prone on the ground, its body glowing brightly, but slowly and surely fading. It was tiny, and fairly humanoid, as far as he could tell. It didn’t look like it had any clothing, but it didn’t seem naked, either.

“Hello?” Ren said. He wondered if it could hear him. He wondered if it would care.

“Hello? “ he said again. “Do you need help?”

The creature stirred. Then it spoke. 

The sound was totally unfamiliar to Ren, and yet still so similar to something that he couldn’t place. He felt like he should understand it immediately, but it couldn’t-- it seemed so simple but something about the sound was just off. 

It stopped.

“H-hello?” He tried again.

“H-hello?” the creature responded. “Hello. Hello. Do you need help? Do you need help?” it muttered something to itself in the melodic language from before and cackled.

“I’m here to help you,” Ren said. “My name is Ren.”

“Ren, Ren,” it muttered. It glowed a little brighter. “Hello, Ren.” 

He tentatively touched one of the bars of the cage.  The creature grabbed his fingers, sending a jolt of -something- coursing up his arm. It released him, muttering again, but glowing brighter.

“Help, yes, help. Help for me, but not for me, for them, for those little birds pretending, always pretending. Never for me, no no no. Never ever ever for me.”

“How do I help you?” Ren asked. “What makes you bright?”

The creature cackled again. “Oh, it’s ever so simple. Just let me out. Out, out, to learn the names. Yours is Ren. His is Kai. Names, names names.”

Ren narrowed his eyes. “That’s it? Nothing else?”

“No,” the creature snapped. It continued muttering.

“Why are you in a cage in the first place?” he asked. 

It stopped muttering. “They,” it hissed, “locked me up because they wanted to help me. But they didn’t want to help me, no, no, no. They only helped them. All about them. Names, names. Von, Tysha, Reming. Old names. Used up.”

“What will you do if I let you out?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t hurt anything. Just learn, learn, learn the names. Yours is Ren.”

Ren looked at the miniscule creature. Something about it made him want to walk away and forget about it, but then again… the whole planet depended on this little creature.

Ren opened the door.

Leathery black wings engulfed the creature. With a step it reclaimed its freedom, zooming away from Ren so quickly he barely had a moment before it receded into a faint dot in the distance.

And everything went black.

Ren stood still, trying to get his bearings. After a minute, he decided it was useless and began stumbling around blindly. He could faintly make out the silhouette of the smaller tree… wait. Where was the light coming from.

He walked past the tree, tripping over dips and curves in the wood. There, in the very center of the tree was a hole, just big enough for someone to fit into. It looked like a glowing puddle. He approached it cautiously. As he got closer, he could see where the light came from-- inside the tree itself. A circular hole went right through the center of the tree, and inside the tree glowed, though not nearly bright enough to provide light to the planet.

Ren crept to the edge and looked in.

Down, down, farther down than he had flown, the light burned. It was blinding. He couldn’t tell where it ended. 

If I could capture some of this light, trap it in the cage, he thought, it would light the whole planet. But how?

I have wings, he thought. I could fly in.

It’s too small for flying, he thought, scrapping the idea. The only way down was to jump.

The sick memory of his brief free fall before raced through his gut. His stomach churned.

There has to be a different way, he thought, but he knew better. He knew what he had to do. He didn’t know how, but-- well, he was standing on the oldest, biggest creature on the planet, maybe the whole galaxy.

It knew. He knew.

He looked up at the sky. He could see everything. Galaxies, nebulas, planets moving around stars and moons moving around them. He saw the colored, pulsing branches of the tree in the farthest corners, he saw flocks of wake angels with a trail of red following their path, crystalline creatures building themselves cities out of sounds, planets made of diamond where glass rain falls sideways, comets whizzing across space leaving yellow tracks behind the,. He could see it all.

A solitary tear leaked out the corner of his eye, tracing a path down his cheek. 

“I’m sorry, Kai,” he whispered. “I can’t fail you, but I can’t keep my promise, either.”

He remembered Kai’s face the last time they saw each other, right before he left-- Kai laughed, his face breaking into a smile that could have lit the world all by itself.

Ren swallowed. A lump welled up in his throat. 

“I’ll come back,” he promised Fenwick and Zia, hugging them. “Be safe,” they said.

He turned to Kai then, tears in both of their eyes. “I’ll be back before you know I’m gone,” he managed. “Somebody has to save the world.”

Kai wrapped his arms around Ren, giving him a quick kiss. “Just come back.”

Ren shook his head, bringing the sky back into focus. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered once more.

He jumped. And fell.

After a few hours, it didn’t even feel like falling anymore, just floating in a sea of infinite gold.

He fell.

And fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. And fellandfelland fellandfellandfellandfellandfellandfellandfellandfellandfell. 

Then he stopped falling, and plunged into a thick, viscous, amber mass of liquid.

It filled his throat. Bound his arms. Burned his eyes. It permeated every cut, every crevice his body had, soothing and burning all at once.

He thrashes. Everything is golden, he can’t tell which way is up, he can’t see, he can’t breathe he can’t move he can’t breathe he can’t hear he can’t breathe he can’t think he can’t breathe he can’t he can’t can’t can’t

Darkness. 

Warmth. 

Afterlife is very warm, Ren thinks. So very dark and warm. 

He opens his eyes. 

Light.

The afterlife is very light, Ren thinks. But not as light as before.

An odd rushing sensation shivers down his neck, calling up memories of before.

I have a neck, Ren realizes. And a body. And that feeling… ascension. I’m going up. 

He looks around. The cylindrical space is much, much bigger, but unmistakable. He is inside the tree again. And he is going up.

I’m not dead.

How long he has been going up, he has no idea, but the sky is fast approaching.

He reaches the surface. The land is bright again.

I did it, he thinks. I did it. I did it!

He looks down at his body, which glows with the intensity of suns. 

I am it, he thinks. And I’m small. As small as that creature was. But why--

It hits him: a wave of nausea, of irresistible understanding. Names shoot through his mind like bullets, sharp and deadly fast, shredding his thoughts.

Kai. 

The carnage fades into the background. 

Kai. Needs my help.

Ren struggles over to the cage, which now looks large and foreboding. He grasps the side, hauling himself in. everything in his mind screams at him to leave, to fly away as fast as his wings will carry him.

But he wouldn’t leave, not as long as people were counting on him. He is the light now. He won. He saved everyone.

Just not himself.

And that’s okay, he thinks.

He looks up at the stars. He can barely see any through the leaves and his own brightness.

Oh, well, he thinks. It’s worth it.

He takes a breath. 

And shuts the door.

[bangtanlalaland]

around the way girl | knj (m.)

synopsis ↳namjoon kim was the man you’d fallen in love with in college, while existing in a society where ambw relationships are rare.

→part of the bring it back collection!

— 1990’s!au; strangers to lovers!au

→pairing: underground rapper!kim namjoon x beauty supply store worker!black female reader

→genre: fluff, smut

→word count: 4.7k+

→contents ⨯ warnings: that beautiful, interracial love (AMBW) [if you’re racist, fuck off my page!] some major fluff action here, joon is so soft, (I stg he’s a dom but also a hopeless romantic. the DUALITY. agsgsjlldlejd), rapper joon makes an appearance, sweet love making, name calling (cute shit, I promise), also the use of DADDY, lots of kissing and caressing, body worshiping, oral (f receiving), protected sex (no glove, no love baby), fingering, over-stimulation, namjoon is so inspired by hip hop culture, y’all I tried really hard to sprinkle some 90′s vibes in there so bare with me ok,

a/n: heyyyy loves! I wanted to do something different, considering that I hardly come across any fics (specifically BTS) with a woc or simply a black reader. so here’s one to all of my beautiful, black queens out there! much love to you all & I want you to know I am here & stand with you.  

song rec: “around the way girl” by ll cool j

☞ disclaimer: If any of the warnings listed above offends you in any way, please do not read. It is not my intention to start any sort of debate/argument in regards to racism, culture appropriation, etc. Therefore if any characters, settings, and/or facts/statements are incorrect, please disregard. However, this body of text is for entertainment purposes only. All characters, settings, scenarios, and dialogue are fictitious. Any similarity to events or persons, whether living or dead, is coincidental.

It was like a movie, from start to finish. Growing up, times were hard and challenges never ceased to fade. But, you pushed through — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lost ones along the way, realized you couldn’t trust everyone, but you grew. As an independent, young, black woman living in America. And then something happened, that changed everything.

The year of 1998, when fall semester classes at your college just ended, which called for finding a seasonal job for the time being. And that’s how you ended up working at Queen Beauty Supply about two blocks from your place. You grew up knowing Mr. Park (who is the owner and now your boss) all your life. As you were a child, your mother supported his business, always stocking up on flexi rods, Just for Me relaxers, Goody brushes, and all. Even the endless amounts of barrette balls of every color you could think of, she made sure you had. And seeing that you blossomed, Mr. Park was more than honored to hire you for a seasonal gig. You loved him as if he was your family, just as well as he loved you.

It all started that one evening when you worked the register, fancy-ing some Poetic Justice-style braids, showcasing your figure with a halter top and mom jeans. A small stereo behind you blared the latest hits on the radio, Jon B currently on play. You flipped through the latest issue of Word Up! Magazine, admiring the new spread that featured Mya, Monica, and Brandy — your two in. acrylic, nails dragging across the pages. The sound of the bell jingles over the door, indicating the arrival of a customer. Your gaze turns up to greet said customer, and your eyes meet with the fellow that entered.

And damn were you blown away for a hot sec. He was cute, really cute. You hadn’t even realized he asked you something, while standing in front of you on the opposite side of the counter. He’s Asian, obviously. His eyes having told it all. They were different, not shaped like yours, but beautiful. Which was intriguing. But him simple being here in a beauty supply store was interesting, Yes, it’s ironic. The owner himself being Asian, but the intended audience is your fellow black folks. You could tell he’s obviously inspired by your culture since he sported a bucket hat and a loose, white tee that may have been just two sizes too big for him — which is rare nowadays to find on an Asian man. But, you don’t question it. Of course, you’re well aware people of all races are influenced by hip hop culture so in a way, it doesn’t surprise you as much. Okay, maybe a little. But still.

“Can I help you?” His eyes did a weird thing, but it was cute. He was cute.

“Do you have du-rags here?” Your eyebrows raise and head cocks to the side, having abandoned the magazine you were just reading.

“What do you want with a du-rag?” You question, knowing well the texture of his hair can’t form into waves, so you suppose it’s for a fashion statement. He starts blushing, his eyes shut and beautiful pearly whites on display. Damn, did he have you hooked on the spot and you didn’t even know his name yet. You had to hurry up and get him out of here for your own sake, so you took the lead. A few beats passed before he realized you were leading the way to what he needed. He stumbled a little.

“It’s uh- For my performance,” He slips, trailing behind you while passing by the rows of hair-care products, leading towards the back of the store.

“Performance? You dance?” You question, while strutting down the row of where the brushes, combs, barrettes and the jewelry wall was displayed — purposely swaying your hips back and forth just a tad too much for dramatic effect. He definitely noticed, his eyes glued to your form and wondering how your jeans could mold those curves so perfectly.

He blushes at the thought but replies, “I’m a rapper,” And that’s when you stop in your tracks, flipping your braids behind your back and placing your hand on your hip, giving him the same expression that you gave at the counter.

“A rapper?” You ask, while taking him in from head to toe. You notice his white Air Force Ones.

Damn, he is so fine.

He has style, you’ll admit that. But an Asian rapper? That’s unheard of, at least in your neighborhood.

“Do you, boo.” You shrug, while gesturing toward the wall on your left, that displayed various colors of du-rags. You step away to return to the register and then he speaks again.

“What about Blue Magic?” As if he hadn’t surprised you enough, you cross your arms, facing him.

“Well…. it depends on what you want.” You pause, and roll on your heels to walk again, he follows behind you.

“We have coconut oil, but the hair food is out of stock right now. The hair and scalp treatment is limited quantity, but we do have Castor Oil and Super Sure Gro.” You arrive at the row of hair care products, with numerous brands of oils, treatments, and more that cover the shelves. After leaving him there, you admired the way his eyes were shot wide, and you knew damn well he was not 100% sure of what he was looking at — as he searched for the product that piqued his interest.

And so it became a regular occurrence. He’d come in at least once every two weeks, buying the same thing. A du-rag and Super Sure Gro. Some days you’d even be a little extra to “up” your appearance, in hopes he’d notice or in some fantasy world, he’d compliment you. Maybe even ask about you or your day. Or if you’d like to go watch a movie with him or even hit up a spot for some good food. You ponder if he’d be into trying soul food someday. Your mom always did say that a way into a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, more-so implying that you should know how to get down and dirty in the kitchen.

—

The bell jingles again, while you’re out on the floor stocking up the shelves with bottles of Luster’s Pink Oil Formula. Reaching below into the box to grab a few more bottles, you hadn’t noticed he was towering above you. You jumped slightly when you meet eyes with him, nearly dropping the contents you held onto.

“Don’t you know not to run up on a black woman like that? I may be little, but I can kick your ass!” You both break out into a contagious laugh. He stuffs his hands into his baggy jeans of his, that gorgeous smile spreads across his face. He clears his throat,

“I- Uh- I’m- I’m sorry, I-”

You shake it off, “You’re fine, boo.” Your hand finds its way into his shoulder, a light rub as you brush past him to head for the register. He hesitates, trailing behind you as he fights for the right words to say.

“I-I just, I-” You reach the front of the counter and turn to make eye contact with him. Your eyebrows raise slightly, taking in how he’s struggling to piece his words together. You place your hand on his shoulder again and note how he gazes at you with those same wide eyes you’d grown familiar with over the past few weeks. His lips parted slightly as if he was going to say something but didn’t.

“It’s okay-” You trail off, in hopes he’d catch on.

“Oh, right. N-namjoon. My name is Namjoon.”

You smile in response, lightly rubbing his arm with your palm.

“Is there…. Something you want to say? I promise, I don’t bite,” You state with a soft smile. You notice his shoulders easing themselves down. Part of you wonders what he was so tense for.

“You should come to my performance-” He says rapidly then pauses, looking down and then back up to you, “I would like it- I mean I think that you- You would like my performance.” He internally hates himself for being shy around you, his cheeks so tight and raised from smiling hard, and you could have literally melt in that moment. You thought it was cute to see him that way. To know you made him feel all flustered.

There was a grand amount of effort he’d built to approach you. The very, first day he arrived at the store, he wanted to say something then. He went home that night rehearsing how he’d spark up a conversation with you. He even recalls one time he’d seen you at a bus stop sucking on a lollipop, and how tempted he was to say something then. But he couldn’t. He was afraid of rejection, and he wasn’t sure how to approach you. So when he’d visit the beaut store and see your face, he’d grow warm on the inside. And when you would make eye contact with him, his heart would stop. When you would speak to him with that sweet voice of yours, he’d freeze.

So when you said yes you would be there, he cried afterwards. Not in front of you of course, but on the bus back to his place. He couldn’t believe that you didn’t reject him. Throughout the weeks, he’d contemplated because he didn’t know how you felt about people of his race. He didn’t know how your race felt about people like him in general. Although, it never mattered to him. Because he believed that love is love. As long as you’re happy with that person, that is all what truly matters. He believed everyone deserves to have that kind of love. Little did he know, you felt the same way.

And then things advanced between the two of you.

It was the night he invited you to an underground party, and it was live. Music thumped with never-ending bass, people danced and smoked, and the space felt warm and cluttered, courtesy of body heat. You gradually ease your way through the space, attempting to find some kind of “safe haven” amongst the grinding, moving bodies within the cramped atmosphere. The music settles down, which causes you to look ahead, realizing you’re in front of the stage where the DJ is posted up on the left.

“Alright, y’all! You already know what time it is.” The DJ blatantly announces through his microphone. The crowd somewhat reacts, but not to his liking you assume.

“I said… Y’all already know what time it is!” Everyone goes wild, screaming, chanting and whistling.

“Tonight, I wanna welcome y’all my boy. From the East side, he’s an up and coming rapper- Y’all check this,” He pauses for a moment, “He is a Korean rapper! Y’all feel me? What y’all know about a Korean rapper, aight?” He shakes his head throwing his hands up.

“Imma let y’all have this one, but I’m tellin’ y’all! You don’t know nothing bout this!” You smile uncontrollably, aware of who he’s talking about. Also somewhat anxious to see what the hype is about, your nerves making your stomach churn just a little too much while you’re out in public.

“Give it up for my boy, RM!” The DJ, swivels the record on his turntable back and forth. And there Namjoon was, appearing from the side of the stage, with his du-rag and bucket hat, loose tee, baggy jeans, and those familiar Air Force Ones you’d grown to recognize. You also peep the Cuban chain that adorns his neck.

And then the beat kicks in. Which was also familiar, you note that it’s the beat for “I Need Love.” Everyone starts bobbing their heads, including him. Including you.

He throws his hand up, shoving gestures to go along with the rhythm of the music, while using his other hand to firmly hold onto his mic.

“I’d like to introduce myself, The name is RM, Let’s rewind and take you back to when it first started, Very first time that I walked in the shop, I was startled and I swear I had felt my heart drop, You made me wanna get down on my knees, Begging, please, Coulda told you I was sprung the moment I seen ya,”

He makes eye contact with you and points directly in your direction. He’s talking about you, right? He’s got to be. There’s no way he isn’t. You continue bobbing your head to the beat, and you can’t fight the smile in return.

“Dang baby, how’d you fit in those jeans? Hips got a brother feeling like he’s in a dream, Couldn’t even keep my head straight, Yeah I’m Asian but damn, Somethin’ must have went left and messed up my fam, Sittin’, thinkin’, contemplatin’, and wonderin’, How could I get this fine lil shawty to blushin’? Hopin’ that you’ll say yes and lemme steal you from the scene, Treat you like a queen and show you what a real man can be,”

He stares at you for a moment too long, yet you’ve already grown too hot for the jean jacket you’re wearing over your tube top.

“I need love,” he adds before dropping the mic; everyone suddenly is hype, continuously cheering him on and giving him props for his performance.

“I told y’all! Give it up for my boy, RM!” The DJ adds, patting him on the back while smiling from ear to ear. But, his eyes are focused on you, and only you — who just can’t seem to shake off the bright smile plastered on your face, you attentively graze your bottom lip with your teeth to attempt stopping yourself from smiling so much. But, you fail. And he takes note of that, returning a smile to you. You could tell he’s blushing, his dimples appearing before he dips his head low.

So shy, yet so damn fine. How is that even possible?

—

That same week, he surprised you at work, stumbling in to rap a few verses about how beautiful you are to him, and he pulled a bouquet of roses he hid from behind his back. You remembered that day so clearly. You remembered kissing him, hugging him, holding his hand, smelling the flowers. You also remembered Mr. Park interrupting your little PDA session to scold you about: “No kissing and no sex on the clock!”

But, Namjoon loved you more than you could think. And he didn’t care who in the world thought it was wrong for you two to fall in love. Because the night you two had arrived at his apartment, lips intertwined with one another, and hands roaming each others bodies, was when everything became so clear.

You both stumble inside, too wrapped up in locking lips with one another. Namjoon guides you toward his bedroom; and being the klutz he is, he stubs his shoe on the baseboard leading to his bedroom. You both break the kiss, and you can’t help but chuckle at his clumsy ways.

“Why you laughing at me, huh?” He lifts you up and you can’t help the half gasp/half giggle that escapes your lips, immediately wrapping your legs around his waist as he carries you to his bed. He gently lies you down on your back and hovers above you. You unexpectedly snatch his bucket hat off, tossing it somewhere on the floor — his faded, white-blonde and dark brown strands on display.

“Did you have to do my Kangol like that?” He whines with furrowed brows. You tap his bottom lip, dragging your finger across the plump flesh.

“Shut up and kiss me.” His gold Cuban link chain hangs from his neck, prompting your fingers to tug it down, and you do so, his lips smashing with yours yet again. Your fingers lace themselves within his hair, admiring the feel of his oiled scalp. His lips massage yours in a way that’s beyond comforting, and you make sure to inform him how nostalgic kissing feels. Drawn-out moans spew from you, and you can’t help but wonder how in the hell could you be in this time and moment with him. Piece by piece all of your garments end up lost on the ground, along with his clothing. He had you caged in to his bed and kept himself hovered over you, planting kisses along your neck trailing down to your collarbone.

“Mmm, Joon.” You follow his lead, kissing his blush-colored lips, snaking through his silky strands. His hands travel behind your back to remove your lace bra, revealing your breasts that illuminate from the moonlight peeking through the blinds of his window, your chocolate nipples hardened and desperate for attention. His eyes are blown wide, cherishing every dip and curve of your body.

“Wow,” He admits, his erection growing behind his undergarment. He holds a few moments to etch this view of you within his memory, appreciating every trait of your being in this form. His hands find placement on your hips, pulling you to his body completely — the soft, plushness of your breasts pushed against his chest. He rubs the outline of your face, slowly dragging his index finger along your jawline.

“You are the most beautiful woman in the world. You know that?” You let out a small giggle, feeling vulnerable in this state. He kisses you, being sure to suck your bottom lip, pulling and tugging softly with his teeth. His hands roam down your back and land on your ass cheeks, gripping with force. Your breath hitches, and you find yourself wrapping your arms around his neck, in hopes to ease him in just a little more. Even though physically it isn’t possible. He teases your bottom lip with a swipe of his tongue, asking for entrance.

And you let him in, sucking and licking him back in response, both of yours saliva mixing with each others, and not a care in the world — too consumed in each other. He gropes your ass, causing a moan to slip from you. His large palms kneading the cushion-y flesh, and damn is he grateful for this moment in time with you. He pulls from your lips with an audible smack, and you relish in the sight of his thick lips all swollen and damp.

“I love you, ____” He admits with those delightful irises.

“I love you too, Namjoon.” He guides you to lie down on your back, hovering above you as he places kisses along your jawline, leading down your neck, taking his time to cherish every part of you. His hands roam along your sides, caressing the curves of your body. He kisses the area between your breasts and stops suddenly, eyeing you for approval. As if understanding, you nod. His tongue peeks out and circles your right nipple, he wraps his lips around the bud and sucks with tenderness, making sure to release with a pop each time while his other hand massages your left breast.

Your core aches as a result, needing to feel him so the void inside your walls can be filled. He repeats this with your other tit, sucking your nipple while massaging the other, pinching and rolling the bud between his fingers. Your core throbs with an intense pleasure, soaking your now soiled panties. He eases down further, planting kisses down your tummy and moving along the inner thighs of your mocha skin, praising the smooth, supple, flesh. His fingers tug the band of your lace panties, and he eyes you again for approval.

“Please,” You plead, and it was all he needed to hear to remove the garment and reveal yourself to him, treasuring the sight of your lips dripping from arousal. He wastes no time, as you feel his warm, wet muscle gliding along your folds, his nose nuzzling your clit in the process. Your fingers snake into his hair and hips buck upwards to move along the rhythmic motions of his tongue, while he devours you whole as if he’d become a man starved.

“Joon!” You praise, panting for air, Your gaze follows between your legs, cherishing the man that continues to eat you out. He watches your expressions, glaring deeply into your eyes as he does so. His fingers ease toward your folds, rubbing his digits along your drenched pussy, coating them with your wet. He watches you still, not wanting to leave your gaze as he enters a finger inside you. You moan his name in response. His finger delves deep within you, your walls sucking him in perfectly.

“So good for me,” He lashes his tongue out to lick your clit in a circular motion. The sight of him between your thighs makes your heart quiver. He deliberately adds a second finger, his lengthy digits curling themselves upwards and dragging along the walls of your womanhood. His nails dig along the flesh of your thighs, keeping you settled and under his grip, his lips suck on your clit til no end. His obscene noises send a shockwave of pleasure through you, and your toes curl at the sensation. He pulls his fingers from out of you and tastes your arousal that clings to him.

“Tastes so good,” He moans, and you can’t help your thighs from rubbing together to ease the tension that has built. Then, he blushes at the view of you, all horny and ready for him. Only him. How can he be so cute and so fine at the same time? You ask yourself this everyday. Your legs move on their own accord, struggling to draw him back in. He chuckles at your actions.

“You want more, baby?” He questions in that deep, sexy voice of his.

You nod in reply, “Yes, Joon. Please, daddy?” His famous dimples reappear, and those mesmerizing, pearly whites appear. He dives back down, trailing kisses along your tummy, leading to your mound. He worships your body as he had wanted to do since the day he met you, gripping and rubbing along your skin. He moans against you, admiring the feel of you under his fingertips. His lips encase around your clit again, and your body jerks from the sudden feeling. His tongue slides along your folds, sucking and slurping, making the most lewd noises.

His fingernails drag along your thighs, adding an odd tingle within you. You follow his motions and graze your nails on top of his hand, when an unexpected bliss washes over you — causing you to writhe underneath him. He continues sucking your clitoris until you can’t take anymore, your legs gliding up an down along his back, back arching off the mattress, eyebrows furrowing and you simply drowning in euphoria with trembling thighs as your nails drag along his scalp and your cries echo within his eardrums.

“Joon, daddy!” Your nails dig further into his hand, and fingers tug harshly onto his strands. Your core now sensitive to the touch, something you’d never experienced before. He moves his head back and forth, delving deeper and not wanting to let go. You scratch his back, now in hopes he’d give up. You’re nearly convinced he’s going to kill you with that tongue of his, and then out of nowhere, he pushes two fingers inside you. Your toes curl for what feels like the millionth time, and you whimper his name repeatedly.

He thrusts his digits into you, a loud squelching noise filling up the space. And you feel those plush lips wrap around your clit again. He ruts against the bed, wanting to feed the tension within his groin. Your feet now having fought the sheets you lay upon, twisting and turning due to the over-sensitivity. But in some strange sentiment, there’s another wave. And here you are having your second orgasm of the night.

“Fuck, Ungh- I’m cumming again!” Your body shakes violently, not having control over the orgasm that’s overtaken you. An uncontrollable scream slips out and you shove Namjoon away from you with a strained push, his chin now glistening with you. He wipes the residue from his face with the back of his hand, grinning at you fucked out and waiting on his bed. He pulls a condom from somewhere in his drawer and wraps himself up.

He was so thick, thicker than you thought. You lay flat on your tummy and Namjoon sets himself on top of you, caging you in again. He notes the glow upon your ebony skin as he coats his protected member with your drenched self, adding a line of his own saliva and finally diving into you with every inch he has, at a slow, steady pace. But the places he reaches leave you wondering what you’d done to deserve this kind of dick.

Magnificent.

“Beautiful, black queen,” he slips in between breaths, rocking his hips against yours. The position granting him a much deeper access. You gasp at his remark, clenching your walls tighter around him, he hisses in response. His warm breath fans the right side of your face, and he presses a kiss along your earlobe while adding,

“All mine. You’re my black queen, understand? Can’t nobody take that away from me.”

“Yes Namjoon,” You reply. “I’m all yours.”

His cock twitches at the sound of his name slipping from your lips within this state — having you underneath him like this, needy, desperate, and only craving him. He inches to meet your lips with his. His kisses are filled with want and desire, full of love. That sweet, sweet love.

“Give it to me daddy,” You say under your breath but audible enough for him to hear, and he takes heed to continue thrusting himself into you, his delicate, golden skin glimmering with perspiration. The sound of your bodies clapping against each other resonate throughout his apartment, as soft whimpers and moans fall from you, and he utilizes every millisecond of this moment to drown himself in your presence.

“So tight, so wet. So beautiful.” His hips buck in a gentle, yet stern manner, causing your body to jerk upward and eyes to shut close in response — his balls slapping your ass with each thrust of his hips, he continuously hits that sweet spot over and over again, your eyes rolling back due to the nostalgia. He eases his fingers in between your legs to rub circles into your clit simultaneously, and it doesn’t take long for your walls to contract for the third time that night.

“Fuck baby,” He coos with followed moans and groans, spilling himself while still buried in you. You shudder underneath him with nails dragging along the sheets, and muffled moans from burying your face, as you call out his name like it was the only function your brain could process.

He eases himself out of you, and you can’t help the low gasp that emits from you — having been so full of him and sensitive at the same time. A few moments later, and the slight shift of the bed indicates he vanished to discard the condom. You simply lay there, slowly processing that he’d given you the best sex you’ve ever had, being that his main focus was pleasuring you.

But it was in those final moments when Namjoon cuddled you afterwards, bodies attached together by sweat, gasping for air and basking himself in the warm, vanilla, sugar aroma of your essence — that he knew he was in love with you. And there was nothing anyone could ever say to change his feelings.

You break the silence having thought of Namjoon’s words you recall from his performance.

“Think you’ve found it?” He watches your form with raised eyebrows.

“Found what?” You trace circles along his chest, gazing upon his abdomen.

“Love,” You state, and a silence falls that makes your body warm up in a flash.

He shakes his head in a “no” gesture, “I don’t think I have.” The sudden pause of his sentence makes your heart drop.

“I know I have.” He kisses your forehead and draws you closer to him, holding onto you for dear life — like he’s afraid he’d lose you. You beam at his gesture, curling up into his figure. His heart thumps from the immense affection between the two of you. Your now closed eyes like an irreplaceable gift to him.

“My around the way girl,” He whispers to himself, while petting your hair and drifting off into slumber.

[mcrmadness]

Madness draws: Behind the Scenes of the latest Farin&Bela pencil drawing.

Aka the one that’s also my icon, even when that was a big risk to take because normally I start hating the photos I have once drawn, especially if I have failed miserably. This is how the drawing itself turned out:

ATTENTION: The original post about that drawing, with better image, behind this link.

This post is solely about the process itself with lots of pictures and also plenty of gifs, because I promised to do one if people would like to see that and I got some comments saying that they’re looking forward for that. So, here’s now that post!

For starters I have to apologize for the terrible quality that is the photos. I used my phone camera only and never thought about posting them, I just took them as a reference for myself and to show the progress to a friend and only after finishing the drawing I noticed that the angle of the camera causes a huge impact on the perspective of the drawing, so I sometimes might have done useless work when I thought some perspective was wrong when it was actually the photo that was wrong and not my work! I mean, take a look at these photos of the finished piece:

You see that? I realized this when I took maybe the second photo of the Farin sheet and looked at it and couldn’t believe my eyes because I didn’t remember drawing his torsto THAT small! And then I looked at the drawing and was like “wtf???” because it looked nothing like in the photo and then it hit me...

Also, another thing that I learn was that I might need to pay more attention to the perspective of the whole thing also because when I draw, I sit at the table so I am constantly seeing the drawing from my perspective instead of looking at it from above so that’s probably also going to affect the way I draw. I try to keep that in mind in the future so I can avoid redrawing things again and again just because my perspective is different than the reference photo’s.

Also the giant forehead of Farin’s in the photo on the right might have caused me to laugh a bit too much but anyway, let’s continue~ Or more like: let’s start for real this time.

Here’s the reference photo to y’all:

What I did in photoshop was to draw a line between them to see how I can divide the photo on two A4 papers. I had been thinking about this photo for some time already because it’s one of my favorites (but now I just feel cringy looking at it after I have drawn it... goddamnit!), and I got this idea that I could try drawing it on two papers in case I fuck up so I can start over or try again without having to do twice the work! Which was actually a good decision because this was the first version of Farin:

And it was awful. I also realized I had never drawn Farin’s face from he front. I have drawn him before from the side a few times but maybe once it came out actually good so that was why I decided to do the 2 paper method - because I knew it was not going to be an easy job! Bela is relatively easy to draw so I knew already that I would not have too many problems with that one.

I struggled with Farin’s eyes the most, at first.

It took me a while to figure out how to do that white line in his lower lid. Keep in mind that this was my first face portrait in over 10 years so I was very, very rusty and I just didn’t remember how to draw like anything anymore. (The photo is tilted because Bela’s face is a bit tilted and my hand can’t draw anything that is not straight [lol] so I have to rotate the photo in order to even draw the sketch of Bela’s eyes.)

So I took my sketchbook and tried to do some eyes...

I was still struggling so much here until I remembered about blending. And I didn’t have my hopes high but grabbed the eyeshadow applicators (my fave tool for blending) anyway, and switched to my other sketchbook in case the paper was the issue and:

Blending. It was all about blending! So with that in mind, I realized I can continue and I don’t need to do these in my old way, everything doesn’t have to have a lineart done but some of the job is done not with the pencils but with the eraser.

Anyhow, the previous Farin looked really bad and was too big as well so I just discarded that and started a new sheet because the old lines were not coming off properly anymore. I don’t remember if this is the old face or new but I think this might still be the old one:

Yes it definitely is the old because look at those lines! This is the new sheet:

And in the photo you can see one of my pencils - I use Derwent Graphic pencils, it’s a 12 pencil set with very soft pencils, starting with H, F and HB and ending to 9B. With this one I used F, HB, B, 2B, 5B, 7B and 9B. The white pencil is actually my new love aka the eraser pencil Koh-I-Noor Hardmuth. It’s amazing, I recommend! I just didn’t order 10 new ones this other day. I actually used about 1,5 full eraser pencils on this drawing alone so that’s why 10.

Here’s a “little” gif of the process on Farin:

I felt crazy when I went for the shirt, and I felt like I was going crazy MEANWHILE drawing it but in the end I did it and I’m super proud of it!

Below is the reference photo, it was pain in the ass to follow all those lines with my eyes and try to find what was I drawing and where was I but I think I did good. That was a fun challenge.

Okay so, when I was done with the new lineart, I decided to go for the shading and blending because that’s what really makes the drawings to pop. I started with the left (his right, my left) side of Farin’s face because I’m right-handed, and in the first photo I had done just the left (right) eye and mouth and nose, but in the second there’s also the other eye done already:

Keep in mind this was not the last time I drew the eyes. Not even close.

Something was off with the right (left) eye so I had to do that one again and I noticed that when you blend but haven’t erased and cleaned it yet, it looks like a black eye :DDD So here’s the before and after images of that cleaning. (Cleaning = I draw, blend, erase, draw and blend more when needed and then erase again, and repeat this as many times as I need until it starts to look ready to my eye.)

So here Farin was “finished” but if you still remember the final piece or compare it to it, you might notice it looks quite different. And you’re right. But more about that later, because at this point I started to work on Bela.

It actually started really well - I also had to do the whole lineart again because it did not match the size of “finished” Farin. I don’t remember if this is the first or second eye but when I had drawn his eye for the first time, I noticed it was not in line with Farin so I had to redraw it. A gif of the progress:

What’s that brown paper I’m using, you may ask? Well I noticed that people have some sort of paper on top of their art to keep it from smudging and I have no clue what that is so here’s my poor artist recommendation: baking paper! I tested it and it works (if you just remember to keep it under your hand, that is...) so that is, in fact, baking paper! :DD

I have drawn Bela’s face a few times before and he’s just so much easier to draw. In fact I used 4-5 days on Farin but I managed to start and finish (this version of) Bela just in one day. And that means that out of 12 hours (because I literally used the whole day for drawing) I used maybe like... 5h or something on Bela. That’s how much easier he really is to draw.

I don’t know wtf is wrong with Farin’s face but he’s extremely difficult to draw and I’m not the only one who has been saying this. I guess he just looks so regular but still unique enough to be difficult to draw. Bela then again has features that are very unique and very... caricature-like? I mean that just by drawing his nose or chin you can make a comic book Bela look exactly like himself, and with more realistic style his eyes already do a lot, but Farin’s really the opposite. My comic book version of Farin is literally the most basic version I can draw, it’s how I draw those characters and the only thing that makes him look himself is the hair, and his nose in a side profile. So I think that’s why it’s so difficult to draw him because he doesn’t look too regular but still regular enough to make is a very challenging task to do properly.

So yeah, the same day as I started working on Bela, I was also “finished” with the drawing:

Also look at how different it looks like from this perspective:

With the reference photo open in photoshop and I don’t understand how Bela looks more like himself in my drawing than in the photo. Also when I showed the WIP to my brother, he said that I somehow had succeeded at making Farin look more like Farin than what he does in the photo even. It’s weird.

But we were still far from finished. I was going to use the fixative on this soon but it just kept snowing the whole week so I couldn’t so every time I walked past the drawings, I stopped to fix this and that. For days I kept telling myself “I’m done, I can’t do more than this, I can’t do better than this.” and considered the drawing finished but still kept fixing things. Every time I was “done” with the other drawing, I saw something to fix in the other one and once that was done, I felt like the first one wasn’t as good and had to fix something from it too. And that led to a cycle where the other drawing was always better than the other and the worse one needed to be fixed. In the end I was hating the whole process and myself and my skills and I was already ready to abandon this whole thing and call it a day and never ever show it to anyone “because I cannot draw”. The photo above, here’s a list of things I redrew after that:

Bela’s eyes, the right (left) one at least twice.

Bela’s nose.

Bela’s mouth a couple of times.

Farin’s eyes x588045028520

And a list of things I kept fixing and fixing:

Bela’s chin.

Bela’s neck shadows.

Bela’s hairline.

Farin’s whole face was tilted so I tried to fix that.

Farin’s face was too wide, which meant also partially redrawing the ear.

Farin’s hair was too long and wide too.

Farin’s nose.

Farin’s mouth might be the only thing I drew only once and I’m actually still extremely proud of how it came to be. I did the lips solely with blending so that was super exciting to notice how I can use it for drawing and don’t need the pencils for everything!

During Bela’s eyes and nose and mouth especially I was hating myself so much and I felt like I was taking the risk of ruining the whole thing and a few times I was certain that was what I had just done too, until I somehow was able to save it again. But because of that, I wasn’t able to make Bela’s mouth any lighter anymore, the color wasn’t just coming off the paper so had to use what was there and make it look like it’s how it’s supposed to be, too.

Here’s a gif about those changes on Bela - the first one has the old eyes and nose, the others have minor changed on the nose and mouth:

(The blacks probably don’t get any blacker in reality, I did add more color to it all the time but mainly it’s just the lighting and my phone camera changing the brightness.)

I did the final details on his nose without even using the reference photo anymore. The photo didn’t seem to make any sense anymore at all so I was just using my mechanical pencil and the blending tool and eraser to make is look better. To my eye it looked more like a very flat nose with a big tip of the nose and he doesn’t have a flat nose and I tried to get rid of that illusion. I still feel like it makes him look bit weird but I’m not entirely sure how. Maybe it was because of my improvisation, idk...

So, Bela was then finally finished for the last time. In the Farin piece his left (right) eye had been bugging me the whole time and I didn’t want to touch it but still I felt like I have to do something about it because it was bugging me way too much. I then figured I could draw the eye line by line and take a photo of it each time to see if it looks right already or not, maybe I could then avoid doing all the phases before I was sure what to think about it. I mean, now the only way to see if it was correct was to draw e.g. an eye from start to finish, I couldn’t see from just the lineart or unblended eye if it was in the right spot etc. And here’s that progress on a gif:

The gif about only the eye would look so nice if Tumblr didn’t make the gifs so HUGE - this one is actually only 300px or 400px or something:

Apparently I also wasn’t happy with the other eye because:

But good thing is: I really enjoy drawing eyes. I love seeing them to “come alive”, my favorite part was to eraser a bit of the color on the iris to make them look like they are actually shiny! It feels like something so small to do and yet it makes a huge impact on the drawing!

And here’s yet another gif of the whole Farin sheet with all of the changes, including the last changes that made his head narrower, and less tilted and more in line. Look at the left side of his head especially to see that:

I can also see his nose changing between the first few photos. I keep forgetting about that but yeah, I also fixed that a little at some point.

And last but not least, the whole drawing in some sort of a timelapse gif:

Last two are the same but just a photo and the scan of the finished drawing. I still keep seeing things I would do differently but no can do, I already used fixative on it, also to keep myself from obsessing with it any more :D And to use it as a study of some sort. I have never been able to draw a perfect pencil drawing and this isn’t one either. I probably never can draw perfect drawings from references.

I do enjoy the whole shading and blending process, so much so that when I was editing these photos, I just wanted to start drawing something so bad but I also figured that I start to lose motivation when I get to the point where everything should be finished but I just can’t make it perfect. Like the current WIP I have, all I should do is to get the proportions and perspective and the lines of their faces correctly and I would be ready but it feels more like a superpower some people possess and I’m not one of those. I don’t know what is it but I just feel that I cannot see. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can’t see what I try to do and somehow keep drawing everything the wrong way. Just like in this post’s drawing too. There’s still things that are wrong and I know what it is but I don’t know how to solve it. My hands just don’t listen to me and they can’t do what I think they should. I also think the reason I cannot draw perfect copies of photos is because you can always see my “handprint” in them. If I copy a photo, it will look like a photo and not like a drawing made by me. So I believe that in my drawing there’s always a part of me visible and I’m not entirely sure if it’s a good thing or not. On bad days it’s not a good thing, obviously. On good days? Well I guess it’s good then because it just means I have my own style which I really should appreciate. But I wish I had my style only when I want it to be visible, but I can’t control it. Just like I cannot write text by hand that would look like it was written with a computer, so I guess I should just try to get used to it, no matter how much it’d bug me sometimes.

[kenzieam]

About Last Night - Chapter One

@jewels2876​​​​​​​​​  @moonbeambucky​​​​​​​​  @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​​​​​​​​​  @iammarylastar​​​​​​​​​@captstefanbrandt​​​​​​​​​  @badassbaker​​​​​​​​​  @pinknerdpanda​​​​​​​​​  

I know I’m forgetting people, sorry. If you want in, hit me.

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Rating: M

Warnings: Language, general nuttiness, smut, major angst, drama

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FEEDBACK IS LIFE, Y’ALL!

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Lev wakes up the morning after a wild night at the Compound and realizes she hasn’t spent the night alone. The fact that the man unconscious beside her is her most trusted teammate is besides the point, he’s also her best friend and

NOW WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE DO???

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What the hell?

Where am I?

Lev groaned as she opened her eyes and immediately regretted it, closing them with a wince. It had been a long time since she’d felt like this, but even this was different from her average battle wounds and training injuries. She felt almost…

Hungover.

What the everlasting fuck?

Since becoming the newest HYDRA experiment enhanced by serum to be discovered and released from imprisonment, Lev had not suffered so pedestrian a sensation as being hungover. Her body simply did not get sick from excessive alcohol anymore, something that had been both a blessing and curse since the Avengers had found her half-alive and more than three-quarters feral in that underground bunker a few years ago.

What the hell had changed?

Wait…. Loki.

The golden god Thor and his emo brother were here, at the compound and last night, while starting innocently enough, had devolved quite quickly into a hazy mess. At least Tony had perfected that concussion shield thingy he’d been bragging about that could contain most of the lightning bolts Thor tended to throw when pickled.

All Lev could remember was Loki pouring the drinks, a strange, secret little smile on his aristocratic face and Lev hadn’t found it in herself to question her growing vertigo.

Christ, if she’d gotten drunk then Steve and Bucky had too and even Thor for that matter, for the only thing that Lev knew of that could induce drunkenness in a serum-enhanced man or god-like creature was Asgardian Mead, a hearty supply of which the trickster god was more than capable of conjuring with his seemingly unlimited magic.

Shit.

What the hell did I do last night?

A new sensation hit her then, bringing with it a queasy realization.

Oh God. Not what but WHO?

A tender ache between her legs, and a thick stickiness. She’d had sex, a lot of it with someone genetically gifted in the size department and hadn’t bothered with a condom.

Oh, holy Jesus.

Was the other person still here? As her senses returned Lev recognized her own room and bed, thank god, but the identity of her partner remained fuzzy.

Muscular arms, bracing on either side of my head, supernatural, soulful eyes boring into me as he thrusts, each driving snap of his hips bringing me closer and closer to ecstasy. Oh god, the beautiful, primal sounds he made-

Lev turned her head, squinting, the pounding behind her eyes a jackhammer of agony.

When she found Loki…. She wouldn’t stop kicking his ass until HER foot was sore.

Her bed mate lay face down, arms shoved underneath the pillow his head rested on, face turned away, his breaths heavy and regular, still deeply asleep.

For the moment Lev’s breakdown was hers and hers alone.

The sheets were tangled and low, exposing a perfect ass and there was only one man in the compound who possessed that behind, that level of raw musculature and that soft chocolate-brown hair currently splayed across her other pillow.

She didn’t even need to see his most distinguishing feature.

She had just woken up after a night of wild, drunken sex with none other than her best friend and teammate, James Buchanan Barnes.

No.

NO.

She needed to get the hell out of here, before Bucky woke up too and started asking questions that she had no answer for, like ‘what happened?’ and ‘what do we do now?’. Rusty machinery screeched and grated in her head as she moved, made moderately better by squeezing her eyes shut as tight as she could but that only ensured she stubbed her toe on the doorframe, biting back a hiss of pain but it was too late, her surprise lover was inhaling sharply, stretching with a groan like he was waking up and Lev cursed under her breath, slamming the bathroom door shut and locking it.

Christ.

How did you continue to work with and train with a man who’d been inside you? How could you grapple and spar on the training mats when your body remembered the way his weight felt on you another time? Remembered the groans and curses that had fallen from his sinful lips, the way those lips had tasted?

Oh god.

Spinning the shower to its hottest setting, Lev escaped under the spray, desperately scrubbing at her skin to erase any trace of her actions, any hint of Bucky’s mark. She winced as she felt his seed dripping from her, trickling thickly down her thighs. Bruce figured that between the serum and years of cryofreeze that Bucky was effectively sterile, but what if he was wrong? Shit, Lev needed to hightail it down to medical for some type of enhanced morning after pill.

Goddammit.

She’d been so careful!

Three years with the team and she’d never done shit like this before!

The worst thing was she couldn’t stay under the spray forever, while Tony’s plumbing was too good to do anything plebeian like run out of hot water, she just couldn’t hide here all day, she couldn’t live the rest of her life in her goddamn bathroom.

But surely, she’d been in here long enough for Bucky to leave.

Wrapping herself in towels, Lev cracked the door and peeked out into her quarters.

Shit, double SHIT!

Bucky sat on the edge of the bed, waiting and as he raised his head, their eyes locked.

He smiled at her, something sparkling in his eyes and Lev frowned in confusion. How the hell was he smiling and looking so fresh and not hungover. Didn’t his head throb too? Didn’t he feel like he’d been run over by a truck?

His smile faltered then disappeared, forehead creasing, something vulnerable falling over his face. Lev turned and marched to her dresser; it was infinitely easier to speak when she didn’t have to look at him.

“Lev…. About last night-”

“It was a mistake.” She replied curtly, ripping open a drawer.

“A mistake?”

“We were drunk,” she continued, slamming that drawer, yanking open another. “It’s nobody’s fault, except maybe Loki’s, and I’m going to kill him when I find him. Just forget about what happened, it’ll never happen again.” Lev forced the words, managing to sound almost breezy then turned to face Bucky again.

He was watching her with sad, wounded eyes, forehead furrowed in confusion and hurt. Seeing her gaze land back on him he forced a blank face and stood abruptly, his nod so brusque it was almost a jerk.

“Right.” He turned sharply, striding to the door then paused, his fingers curling against the wood. He was breathing heavily and when he glanced over at Lev one more time he finally looked hungover, his eyes red-rimmed and filled with confused pain.

A pang hit Lev, this was a wounded look she’d had only seen on his face during his lowest and most traumatized flashbacks to HYDRA, when the nightmares woke him up screaming in the dark and he struggled for hours later to sort through the tangles, piece together what was reality and what was only a anguished memory.

It looked like something he’d held close and dear and necessary had been ripped from him, but that made no sense. They’d made a mistake, gotten drunk and done something they shouldn’t have, Lev was just laying it all out to get it out of the way, so they could move past this and hopefully continue on as friends.

Shit, she would never forgive herself if her own weaknesses, her own stupidity last night by continuing to party had wrecked her best and most important friendship.

Bucky had been the first one to reach her, the first one to crack through the feral shell that had kept her isolated from the team. He had been the one to see and touch the damaged girl underneath, share his misery and experience in a way that let her see she wasn’t alone, that there was a way out of the darkness and she would forever be grateful to him for that kindness; for cracking open his own chest to show her the devastation inside, to teach her that within her own abyss was the strength she needed to beat what HYDRA had done, the skills and grit to let go of the horrors and pain, because he struggled with the same thing, every fucking day, and still managed to get out of bed and face it.

If she’d lost that by giving into some alcohol-fueled lust, she would hate herself more deeply and viciously than she ever had before.

“Bucky, wait.” She called, immediately cursing her tongue, for what could she say right now that wouldn’t mortify them any further?

He paused, eyes focused on the floor, still breathing heavily. He sniffled once. “Yeah?” There was a note in his voice Lev rarely heard from him, a low type of vulnerable plaintiveness, like when he’d been torn awake by a night terror and was now clinging to Lev, begging her to talk him back to the here and now.

Her nerve failed her, she was going to ask if he wanted to train later but it was a blatant attempt to force normalcy, and an embarrassing one at that. And she didn’t feel good, she wanted to burrow under a blanket until this festering hangover slunk away, not sweat and exert herself down in the gym. “N- nothing.”

For a beat, his eyes met hers again and he looked like a betrayed little boy, confused and bewildered by the turn of events, by someone he’d trusted ripping the rug out from under him.

It made no sense, for him to look at her that way, unless he blamed her for the mess that they were in, blamed her for getting shitfaced and losing control and that’s exactly what she’d been trying to avoid by dismissing their night together, letting him know right away that it was a mistake they could both let go of, that she was just as willing to forget it as he was…. so why did he look so anguished?

Her head hurt too much right now to think about it any further. The longer Bucky stood there, the more she felt this strange, inexplicable crawling guilt and shame and she couldn’t find the words to take that look off his face.

Without another word, Bucky left, the sound of the door closing a thunderclap in the dead air and Lev collapsed to sit on the bed, a wave of unexplained misery washing over her.

********************************************************************************* 

Despite her efforts, blessed oblivion would not come and Lev lingered for the next few hours with a nameless dread, a sense that something had gone horribly awry but with no idea of exactly what.

Yes, she’d made a horrible mistake by sleeping with Bucky, but she’d cleared that up, right? Laid it out and Bucky had agreed, hadn’t he? He’d looked absolutely horrible when they’d talked, but they were both hungover.

He didn’t want to mess up their relationship anymore than she did and bringing feelings into it would definitely wreck their friendship. Love had a habit of doing that, love was what had driven her mother insane, love for a man who didn’t love her back, who enjoyed playing with her mind and body but ultimately skipped out when she started to become too much work and in retaliation, her mother had slashed her wrists. Her last screams, even as a teenaged Lev, who’d discovered her and worked feverishly to stop the rivers of blood streaming from her mother’s forearms, were aimed at her lover, the words ‘Is this what you wanted?! Is this what you wanted?! Are you happy now?!’ echoing in Lev’s nightmares for years to come.

Her father had taken her in after that, the man who’d watched passively from a distance as his ex-wife tore herself apart for the man she’d left him for but the damage had been done. Before her mother’s blood had even dried on her skin she’d vowed to never let something so evil and poisonous as love to infect her, ever.

Friendships were dangerous enough, but there was something about love, the total giving of your mind, body and soul that Lev could no longer risk, the chance that your own psyche would become so linked to the other that to separate meant death for the one who’d been foolish enough to go all in in the first place.

And shit, she’d had a good friendship with Bucky, he’d maintained a distance with her, unseen by everyone else, who considered them joined at the hip, but enough to keep Lev’s boundaries, her set demarcations of what she would… and could accept.

He’d never tried anything so stupid like kiss her or ask her out on a date; when they held hands it was with easy camaraderie, a causal affection and the times Lev caught herself gazing covertly at him, wondering what his lips tasted like were just signs of her own weakness, a brittleness inherited from her damaged mother, a deficient gene in her DNA.

And then she’d had to get drunk and fuck him.

Fuck.

A knock at the door pulled her from her thoughts and, for a breathless second, she both wished it was Bucky and anyone but Bucky.

“Come in?”

The door opened and Steve poked his head in. Although he looked a little green around the gills as well, the lines in his forehead were of worry. “Hey, haven’t seen you all day…. You alright?”

Lev grimaced, debating whether to spill her acrid guts or not. “Hungover, you?”

Steve groaned, dropping his head. “I’m never drinking again.”

“I’m never letting Loki pour my drinks again.” Lev clarified and Steve shot a finger gun at her without raising his head.

“Buck in here?” The blonde continued and Lev’s skin prickled.

“No. Why?”

If Steve noticed that her answer was too fast, he gave no sign and, sick as he was, he probably hadn’t anyway. “Haven’t seen him all day and you two looked pretty tight last night.” A little grin pulled at his lips as he invited himself into the room, shutting the door behind him. Lev scooted over with a grumble and he collapsed on the bed beside her, jostling her and making her stomach roil queasily.

“Don’t,” she mumbled, grabbing her head.

“Sorry,” he mumbled back then exhaled, seeming to centre himself before continuing. “Yeah, you two were getting a little cozy, did anything happen?”

“No!”

Steve raised a brow and Lev hurtled forwards.

“I mean, no, of course not. We’re friends, Steve.”

“Hmmm.”

“What?”

“The way he was looking at you last night says different.”

“Oh, fuck off, Rogers!”

“Language.”

“Fuck that!”

Steve snorted, shaking his head. “Alright, whatever. You know you can talk to me though, right? Anything that’s bugging you, I’m here.”

Whoa. This wasn’t the first time Steve had played big brother, but Lev could not handle that shit now.

“Steve, I’m fine. Bucky and I are fine, I’m just sick as a dog from that little Nordic prick last night fucking with our drinks. Buck’s probably crawled in a hole somewhere feeling the same damn thing.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, probably.” He stood with a huff. “I’ll let you sleep it off.”

“’Kay, thanks.” Lev replied, watching as he left, grateful he hadn’t pushed.

Steve nodded in return, opening the door, and stepping outside. Bucky was further down the hall and seeing Steve, stopped his approach to Lev’s door. His eyes widened, darkening with something like betrayal, and then he was storming away.

*************************************************************************

Lev dropped the weight with a bang, exhaling heavily and pushing a chunk of sweaty hair off her forehead. Where the hell was Bucky? They always worked out together, encouraging and competing in a friendly manner to push each other higher and further but, for the last week, the former assassin had been MIA.

For the first few days Lev had been able to shrug it off as a lingering hangover, but Bucky had continued to avoid her in the gym and, to be honest…. everywhere. She was lucky now to catch fleeting glimpses of the man she used to spend hours with a day, just a free random encounters in the common room, with the big man disappearing before she could open her mouth to speak to him, to ask what was going on.

But she knew what was up.

Damn her, now she saw, and she hated her previous blindness.

This past week’s famine had clarified her thoughts, and her hunger. She missed Bucky, and not just as a friend. Something had shifted in her that last night, as Bucky had moved so sinuously inside her, holding her like his most cherished gift, or maybe had even broken free before that but she hadn’t had the guts to face it and… she missed him.

She missed his smile, his warmth, his presence, the way he seemed to sense her impending anxieties and could calm them, distract her and draw her away from that hateful, swirling abyss inside her. Without his guidance this last seven days, she was struggling, close to drowning at times.

And it was so much more than that.

She’d known the reason behind his smile that morning, the sparkle in his eyes, because the same joy and hope had embraced her heart, warmed her soul.

And scared the shit out of her.

So, she’d deflected, ducked, jabbed and redirected. Plunged into a near maniacal rebuttal, a deliberately obtuse rambling about mistakes, and forgetting; not letting this lapse tear their friendship apart.

But it hadn’t torn anything apart, it had opened up new facets inside her, thrown open doors she’d slammed years ago and she’d never been more terrified, for even as her heart had called for him that morning, the echoes of her mother’s crazed screams had played a gruesome melody in the back of her mind.

You couldn’t fall in love. It was dangerous, it was self-destructive.

And yet she’d gone and done just that, shared a magical night with her best friend and fallen hard, opening the door to what had honestly been knocking from the start, masquerading as close friendship but just biding its time, waiting to fully ensnare her heart.

She didn’t know what to do. Her sabotage had worked, Bucky hadn’t tried to pursue anything, and she wished with everything she had to take it all back.

She was such a fucking idiot and if she’d wrecked her chances with Bucky forever, she deserved the misery, but god did it hurt.

Tonight, she would talk to him tonight. Corner him in the common room and make him listen to her, force him to pay attention to her apology and then beg for his forgiveness. It was the perfect opportunity, tonight was the night the team all sat down to dinner together, one big happy family and he wouldn’t be able to hide from her.

She hadn’t let herself realize before how empty her heart was, hadn’t turned to face the ghost that had stalked her ever since it had climbed from her mother’s corpse and the void threatened to suffocate her now that she’d allowed herself to see it.

With new purpose, Lev set the weight back and hurried up the stairs to her quarters.

Bucky didn’t show until it was time to sit down and eat. Lev heard his voice from inside the kitchen and hurried out with the dish in her hand, ready to throw it on the table and pull him away so she could bare her heart and confess the truth, but ended up almost dropping the plate instead.

He was not alone.

She clung to him almost nervously, or maybe star-struck, watching the assorted teammates moving around and looking like normal people, bantering and laughing and bickering like they weren’t Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. Lev immediately resented her hand on Bucky’s chest, her hip bumped against his, her head resting in that little cradle of his shoulder, feeling the comforting weight of his arm around her.

Bucky’s new friend was blonde and tall and gorgeous, and Lev instantly felt like a troll compared to her. A supermodel standing next to a ragamuffin, a brat with a wild mane and weird violet eyes daring to share the same air with haute couture.

Bucky’s eyes drifted to hers and, for the briefest moment, he looked uncomfortable, maybe even…. sad, then his face changed, going expressionless in a way Lev had never seen before, dismissing her like so much garbage and she stumbled, managing to set the dish down without breaking it.

Blood rushed through her ears as everyone gathered, as her teammates commented on the newest guest, smiling and offering their hands when Bucky introduced them, no one seeming to notice Lev, pale and adrift among them.

She offered a nod and shaky smile when Bucky, almost as an afterthought, finally introduced her as well to Lilly, his girlfriend. Was it Lev’s imagination, or was his voice almost defiant, bordering on savage when he addressed her? Almost a ‘choke on this’ tinge in his tone?

There was a brief silence, a few nervous clearings of throats, telling Lev she hadn’t invented his truculence, but then the moment had passed, the team diving back in, sparing any further discomfort and Lev faded into the background, taking a seat not far enough away from the new couple, struggling to maintain at least the semblance of self-possession as the dinner commenced.

Lev forced herself to choke down her food as she listened to her teammates around her, talking and laughing and asking Lilly question after question, ‘how had she met Bucky?’, ‘what did she do for a job?’, ‘ had she sucked Bucky’s cock yet?’.

Okay, no one had asked the last one, but it floated nastily through Lev’s mind as her shock began to give way to anger.

What the fuck?

A week after spending the night with her he was bringing some new girl around? He’d moved on? The possibility terrified Lev and with it came indignance and rage.

What the hell was he doing? Her mind growled, and she forced her hand to let go of the fork in her hand before she bent it.

Moving on, her inner voice replied, the one that liked to whisper from the darkest corners of her mind about how useless and pathetic she was, just like you wanted him to.

But I didn’t! Not really….

Too late, sugar. He’s found someone else.

No. NO.

And there’s nothing you can do about it, her mind sneered.

[tinlizziedlinwa]

Developing Sexuality, Discovering Kinks, a Spinal Injury, and Barely Beginning to Explore the Edges of the LGBTQ+ Community

Howdy, y’all.  I’m just gonna put this out there - If it’s not for you, just keep on a’scrollin’!

Now, I’ve not really explicitly spoken about my sexuality and how it’s evolved over my almost five decades of life.  So, I’m about to start, and believe me, your patience and kindness will be appreciated.  If you choose to be a close-minded, conservative, cis-asshole then I strongly suggest you leave right the fuck now.  Thank you :-)

If you want to get to know me a little bit more and talk of incontinence and sexuality doesn’t scare you, please continue!

Decade 01:  Around four years old, I have my first memories of things related to my as yet totally undeveloped sexuality.  No history of physical abuse - Don’t worry about that.  It was finding my mother’s menstrual pads.  I saw pictures of them in underwear, so I took one and put it into mine.  It felt so right and so amazing!  I don’t really know how to describe it, but it felt like I needed the whole package of them in my underwear all at once!  I got in trouble for using up a package that my mom needed and I didn’t understand why she needed them yet.  But I made my first “diaper” out of pads and tighty-whities when I was only four years old.  Since I’m gonna be using a lot of numbers, I’m gonna cheat and sacrifice the “proper way” of spelling them out if they’re ten or less.

At 5, I knew I wasn’t built right.  I had this thing I peed through that girls didn’t have.  Boys had them.  But I wasn’t supposed to be a boy!  I didn’t like it and hated the feeling of it touching my legs (still do...).  I started asking questions about things.  Now, my parents are the stereotypical Boomers, “trapped” in a loveless marriage by dependent children and their own sense of “honor.”  Dad was a Medical Corpsman who became a Physician’s Assistant (PA) after retiring, while Mom used to be a Wave (nurse) in the Navy, but became a stay-at-home Mom when she started having children. I’ve 2 brothers and 1 sister, the last of them born 10 years before me.  So, when I questioned things, Dad’s response was usually to hand me a medical book and tell me to look it up.  Mom’s response was usually, “go ask your father.”  So, there I was, a 5-year old with a head full of partially-understood terminology (at best!) and a bunch of clinical photography in anatomy and physiology books.  At least I learned the purely physical differences between boys and girls and why I was one and not the other.  This made me mad.  So. Very. Mad.  I cried a lot for a while, finding out that I would never become what I feel I was supposed to be.  But I kept reading....

When I was 6 years old, I wrote a letter to my parents explaining how I felt about my body and how it made me feel inside and how I wished I could change and be the girl I’m supposed to be and would they be ok with helping me do this some day?

It was not received well.  Not well at all.  I’ve spent the last 40 years trying to get over their reaction to it and I still hate them for their reactions with a passion.  I feel like I was truly shattered, and the glue I’ve had to use over the years to put myself back together has never been the right type and pieces of me keep falling apart.

Entering Decade 02 (10 to 20 years old):  Puberty, damn it!  None of my “researches” had even hinted at ways to stop it, and my body started changing in ways that made me very uncomfortable, but there was also this attraction I kept feeling towards some people, and I started getting erections.  Now, I knew what was happening and yes, it did feel good to play with myself, but it also felt wrong in that I should have someone entering me, not me entering them, so when I masturbated that’s what I dreamed of - being entered and feeling them expand inside me, them giving themselves up in me, losing control and exploding into me and feeling their satisfaction as my own at having been so desirable.  Cockwarming them gently back to hardness and having my own way with their body as their hands stroked my breasts and hips.... Eventually I would orgasm in real life, while dreaming my dream.

I have never had a blow-job.  Several girlfriends have attempted, but honestly that’s like the fastest way to shut me down.  It instantly kills my dream between one heart-beat and the next, causing me to feel absolutely horrible about myself and this carcass I’m trapped in.  I should be going down on you, tasting, caressing, nuzzling and lapping up your wetness as I get more and more achy and wet for you.... Sticking my dick in your mouth is absolutely the worst thing that can happen during any attempt at sexy-times for me.  I’d rather have diarrhea on a crowded school-bus.

The problem was, I had been emotionally terrorized by my parents (and now I know how they controlled my access to information...) and the area I grew up in was populated by fairly conservative folks, so I had no exposure to other ways of living and had no idea I could express my sexuality in any way other than by being masculine with it.  Ergo, I was very much in the closet, hiding my thoughts and feelings as best I knew how, and retreated from situations that might expose my inner workings. Hence, I’m an introvert who overshares o.0  Start unstacking the bricks from my walls and Watch Out!  You might get more than you bargained for :-\

Decade 03 (20 to 30 years old):  I was just positive I didn’t want kids.  Also had no clue what to do with myself, so I landed in Alaska for about a decade.  Isolated, small town, conservative folks (a church on every corner, attended at least twice a week).  Repressive.  No sex for 8 of those 10 years.  Met my (now ex-) wife up there.  Internet actually got off the ground and we bought a computer, modem, and had an AOL account!  This was around 2002′ish or so.  Yeah, I watched the twin towers fall on a tv in a bar in Alaska.  But while in Fairbanks, I discovered the old Usenet Newsgroups... and that led me straight back into my diaper-fetish which I’d almost forgotten about... omg, seeing those first photos... I can’t describe the feelings that burned in me.

Decade 04 (30 to 40 years old):  Left Alaska and moved to western Washington State.  Worked as a Medical Assistant for about 5 years, then re-invented myself as a welder when I got a Federal job.  Learning a whole new trade wasn’t easy.  Shittons of practice later I was good at it and loving my career, until a toolbag fell on my head in 2008.  It could have killed me had I been in any other position.  As it was, it hit the top of my head while my spine was almost perfectly straight up’n’down, causing a couple of discs in my neck to blow out.  One completely ruptured and the other bulged so badly it could never heal and restricted my movement (couldn’t look up or pull my chin in).  To this day I still have a smallish “shadow” on my cervical spinal nerve where the disc exploded and a “dent” where the next one down bulged out.  The doctors think that’s why I’m incontinent and really struggle to get hard-ons anymore.

Here’s the rub:  I’ve hated this body of mine forever.  I’m not supposed to get hard-ons in the first place!  I’m supposed to have breasts, hips, hair, a flat front and a curvy bottom, and you should be making passes at me, not vice versa!

So, rather than pursue medical (surgical) options to deal with the urinary and occasional fecal incontinence, I choose to wear diapers and give myself regular enemas.  This way I can kinda (mostly) control the #2 and keep it from happening in public, while I can let my bladder just run on it’s built-in autopilot (which is really random, btw).  Wearing diapers also helps me with tucking!  I can  pull the dick out, pop the balls up inside where they belong, tuck the dick as far back as I can and put my diaper on tight.  Bingo!  A flat front!  And a bit of a poofy bottom!  YES!!

Decade 05 (40 to 47′ish years old):  I’m beginning to feel slightly more confident in my sexuality, though I’m still not comfortable actually trying to seek out anyone special... but yeah - I’m an introvert by nature.  Probably need to get adopted by someone because I’m not sure I’ll ever really be brave enough to really reach out first....  But now I’m able to afford nice diapers, I’m buying women’s jeans/pants/sweaters/onesies, and I’m feeling so much better about myself when I’m able to dress up.  Keeping my chest and legs shaved helps, too.  When I look down and see long, course, curly body-hair... ugh.  Hair in the armpits and groin is what’s normal.  Chest hair?  Get it off!  Looking at myself in the mirror, I still hate many aspects of my physical self, but when I’m freshly shaved, diapered and wearing women’s jeans and a lovely pink sweatshirt or just lounging around in a cute diaper and huge sweater, I’m much more able to ignore the things I don’t like.

Lately, as I’ve begun exploring my sexuality a little more, I’ve discovered the joys of dildos.  Lemmie tell you what, guys.  A traditional male orgasm doesn’t hold a candle to what I’ve felt while playing with a good dildo.  After a good, thorough clean-out in the shower (I have a shower-attachment with multiple nozzles and use the long black rubber one), I’ve used a dildo that’s got a bit of a bend near the tip - it’s shaped like a real penis, normal size (not humongous), with a bit of a crook near the glans.  By holding the balls & suction cup in hand, it can be inserted and moved in-n-out at that perfect angle to stimulate *all* the right spots inside...  I can honestly say I’ve peed, cum, and blew that dildo across the room as my knees hit the floor and I forgot my name during the best, most intense, can’t-walk-for-a-minute whole-body orgasms I’ve ever experienced in my life.  The area between the anus and scrotum feels so very hot and heavy, like it’s going to burst, it’s not truly painful but almost close? - It’s an amazingly satisfying feeling.  I’d love to hear from you girls out there... Are my orgasms anything similar to yours?

Some day, my dream is to meet someone who can understand me, who can feel where I’m coming from, who can love me even when I’m having difficulty loving myself.  Someone who is kind to my broken soul, and who’s idea of a hot date may involve a stop at the adult toy store!

Edited on 01OCT2021:  I’m not looking for a Mommy or a Domme.  I’m an adult with adult responsibilities and concerns.  I’m looking for a partner who’s also fairly self-sufficient.  I own my own home, work full time, and being an introvert I need lots of alone time.  Someone who’s open and accepting of the fact that I’m diapered 24/7/365 and am perfectly capable of changing myself.  And she’ll understand that I don’t just wanna get her out of her jeans for sexy-times, but I also wanna try them on.

Edited again on 02OCT2021:  As I’ve just begun actually  exploring my sexuality, I’m starting to think I seem to fit into the “enby” grouping (even as I don’t like being stuffed into a box, I find myself doing just that, to myself!  Damn categories...).  I don’t know all the lingo yet and it feels like the terminology is a living thing that is always changing.  Even though I’ve always found women to be super attractive, and I also really enjoy wearing women’s clothes and have dreamed of being a woman for decades, every once in a blue moon a guy really turns me on.  I’ve got fantasies about going down on her while he enters me, his hands on my hips pulling me in as he gently thrusts, speeding up slowly as I’m getting wetter, he’s sliding in and out of me faster and faster and I’m lapping up her juices, buried in her scent, the orgasm in all of us building until we simultaneously explode.  Then, once we all have our breath back, each of us gently diapers one another.  The idea of feeling my diaper sticking to my bum as his seed dribbles out of me is really turning me on again right now!  Hearing our crinkles as we move, cuddling in a contented pile, patting bottoms all around.

Am I a “bottom?”  Is there such a thing as an independent “bottom”?  More research is needed!  

[ratedbangtann]

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥 𝐓𝐨𝐩 | 𝙎𝙚𝙤𝙠𝙟𝙞𝙣 𝙭 𝙋𝙡𝙪𝙨-𝙎𝙞𝙯𝙚 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧 

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙹𝚒𝚗 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚊 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚜 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜, 𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚕𝚞𝚌𝚔. 𝙷𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞...

                                     Pairing: Seokjin/Plus Size Reader Word count: 5k Warnings: feeding kink, playful sex, dom/sub, body worship, pussy slapping, fingering, unprotected sex 

a/n: another plus size fic for all y’all thiccccc queens. i hope you love it as much as i loved writing it. can’t you just see jin loving a chubby girl who loves food as much as he does? this is purely self-indulgent... 

                                    As if you weren't already rushing about and panicking enough, your hear your phone ding from beside the bathroom sink, a text message popping up.

Just got in a cab, see you in 15 xx

It was from Jin. And you were nowhere near ready.

In fact, you still had your leg propped up on the edge of the bath, desperately shaving every pesky little hair from every crack and crevice you possibly could. God, this would be so much easier if had less damn cracks and crevices in which to remove unwanted body hair from. This was possibly the only thing you hated about your damn curves; the upkeep.

"Shit, shit shit..." you muttered to yourself, carefully yet ferociously attacking yourself with your razor. As if by some miracle, you didn't catch your skin. Disaster averted.

You washed the remainder of shaving cream off your body and draped a towel around your shoulders. You didn't bother spending 10 minutes trying to tie it perfectly so that one, it stayed up and two, the inevitable gap in the fabric would cover up your modesty. Waste of time. You already had your outfit laid out; a nice red silk dress, a little higher than ankle length, that you felt hugged your curves perfectly and hid the 'problem areas' well. Not that you thought you had problem areas; you loved your damn body how it was. And why shouldn't you?

However, tonight was your first official date with Kim Seokjin; Korean super idol and self-proclaimed worldwide handsome. Quite how this came about, you're still not entirely sure. You knew him by name and face, working at his brother's side as head of marketing for their superior restaurant chain and of course, you had fallen under his ridiculously charming spell rather quickly - you were only human. But who asked who out still kind of remained a mystery...

You definitely remember him visiting the restaurant you held your office in a lot more after the first time he had met you. And you definitely remember you memorising his order to make sure it was already cooking when he was seated at his regular favourite table. And you remember casually joining him for food a few times, sort of like unofficial dates but...

When he had asked you if you wanted to try out a different kind of restaurant to "scope out the competition" - which actually was part of your job as head of marketing - you didn't quite catch on that he was asking you on a real, proper date. At least, not until this morning, when he had an obnoxiously large bouquet of assorted red flowers sent to your home address with a card that read,

Excited for this evening. Will you wear something red? KSJ xx

And so here you were, slithering your body into the red dress you had picked out. It was your favourite and clearly, the colour was Jin's. The rather suggestive slit in the side of the material showed just enough leg that you felt comfortable and hopefully put the idea of bare skin in Jin's mind.

Oh yes, tonight was about that. You were doing your utmost to bed Kim Seokjin. You had had enough of the flirting and the sideways glances. Enough of the brushing of hands and subtle little winks your way. You'd even almost kissed once, you're sure of it. Before Jin's brother knocked on your office door and interrupted a casual conversation laced with hidden meanings.

In your dress, you felt powerful. Really goddamn powerful, like no amount of music awards, album sales or video views was going to intimidate you tonight. That was, until you looked in the mirror.

The material didn't quite sit right around your tummy. It bunched where it shouldn't and highlighted the extra pounds you had.

Damnit, this is my only red dress, you thought to yourself.

And now, you faced a dilemma.

Wear the dress with the lingerie you had picked out, which was causing this bunching. This means that if the possibility of sex does arise, you will look more gorgeous out of the dress than in it.

or...

Wear your control top granny knickers that sucked you in just enough to stop the bunching of the material and look as slim and smooth as humanly possible, therefore enhancing the chances of said sex to begin with.

With minutes to spare, you didn't have time to pick out a new outfit, and it had to be red. It just had to. So, control top panties it was. If the sex happened, you'd just have to excuse yourself to "freshen up" before things got too hot and heavy. In fact, you hid the lingerie you had been wearing in the cupboard in your en suite.

With your heels on, your now smoothly flowing dress and your delicious curves protruding perfectly, you felt ready. Even your cleavage in the silk was looking particularly delectable. Just a few final touches to your hair in the mirror before the bell to your apartment rang out.

You picked up your purse and headed to the front door. When you opened it, there he stood, in all his handsome glory.

He was wearing a tux; crisp, black, simple and classic. His dark hair was styled off his forehead, just how you loved it and he was wearing the thin rimmed circular glasses that made him look smarter than any man you had dated before.

He didn't say anything at first, simply stared at you; your make up, your hair, that dress, your body... God, he loved it.

"You look... Wow. Suppose I won't be the best looking person in this restaurant tonight after all."

You giggled at that. Of course, he'd say that. How much cheesier could he be? How much more predictable? But you didn't care. It was one of the many reason you liked him so much.

"Maybe just the best looking male occupant of said restaurant?" You teased, soothing his bruised ego.

"I can live with that, for tonight," he held his arm out for you to thread yours around his elbow and escort you down to the waiting cab. As you closed your door and headed down the hallway to the elevator, Jin continued his teasing. "But this can't happen every night, okay? I'm willing to let you take the title tonight, but we gotta share in future. Deal?"

"I'll try my best," you smiled.

****

You meal was nice. No really, it was. The food was great, the atmosphere of the restaurant was great, but that's all it was; just nice. Because frankly, you couldn't concentrate on a damn thing with Kim Seokjin sat opposite you and quite clearly going out of his way to tease and flirt with you.

He sussed out very quickly that you had a thing for his lips, so plump and thick and you could only imagine what they would feel like against your skin. You couldn't stop staring and he noticed. Now that he knew this, or at least thought he did, he was playing up to it.

He'd bite down on it and hold eye contact with you while he did, or brush his fingers along them, or seductively take a mouthful of food from his chopsticks; how that is even possible you've no idea. Chopsticks make eating a little less elegant, and yet it absolutely didn't for him.

He played little games with you all evening, making little jokes, flirting away and the god damn lips thing.

So maybe, it was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Starting with the slit in your dress; you angled your body slightly, readjusting the way you were sat to show a little more of your upper thigh through that scrumptious slit in your dress. He noticed, and you noticed him noticing. His eyes were diverted to the bare skin you were showing off and his fumbled on the sentence he was halfway through.

You had to hold in a giggle, watching him unable to take his gaze away.

"Jin, may I ask you a... perhaps invasive question?" you cocked an eyebrow, waiting for his attention to draw back up to your eyes.

"Hmm? Oh, um... " he coughed - one of those cover-up coughs to disguise the fact he was openly staring at your bare thigh. "Sure, go ahead."

"Well, I'm clearly a woman with a few extra pounds, to be polite; inevitable really when you work in a restaurant chain and are surrounded by delicious and free food day in, day out. However, you still find me attractive?" His brows knit in confusion.

"Well, yes... Should I not?" Your heart leapt. Clearly, he wasn't as closed minded as the majority of Korean people about their standards of beauty. Beautiful face, beautiful mind... check and check.

"No, if you think I'm attractive then good; you have eyes," you mirrored his ego as best as you could. Yes you loved your figure but you were always still so... insecure underneath. He smirked at you though, buying your confidence and raised his glass to take a sip. "However, my question to you is," you leaned forward a little resting your chin on your hand supported by your elbow, your cleavage on display, "have you always had a thing for a fat girl?"

The liquid in his wine glass bubbled and splashed as he spluttered, choking in surprise. He tried to recover quickly, dabbing his mouth with his napkin. You giggled at the outburst and his attempt to keep calm, finding it oh so amusing.

"Apologies, I just, um... wasn't expecting-" You held a hand up to stop him.

"It's fine, I was just teasing," you picked your own napkin up, wiping away a droplet of wine from his glasses.

"I have though," he said, so casually as if he hadn't just almost drowned in his wine glass.

"Hmm?"

"Had a thing for fat girls, as you so affectionately put it," he smirked, biting his damn lip again.

"What, is fat a bad word?"

"Oh, no, I was just..." he panicked again. You laughed.

"Jin, shut up. 'Fat' isn't negative to me. It's what I am, not who I am. If you like your women to have that extra chub, then... lucky me," you raise your own wine glass to your lips, taking a sip with a little wink in his direction.

Jin felt a stirring in his trousers at the way you owned that word, the way you teased him, the way your red painted lips sipped at your wine. He'd been having trouble keeping his hands to himself all night, but ever the gentleman he kept it to a little light flirting. But there was never anything light about his flirting.

"Your confidence; it's extremely sexy, y/n." He leaned forward on his elbows.

"Don't mistake my acceptance of myself as confidence. I, too, still get discouraged day to day," you said, thinking back to earlier and seeing the way the dress hung on you to begin with.

"Don't we all?" he asked.

"Madam, sir... your desserts," you server appeared out of nowhere, a tray with your final courses balanced perfectly in his hand. "Classic tiramisu for the lady," he placed the dessert in front of you, "and green tea layer cake for the gentleman. Enjoy," he bowed as he placed Jin's dessert in front of him, scurrying away to leave the two of you by candlelight once again.

The two of you wasted no time in digging in, and with the first mouthful you fell into what can only be described as heaven. As the food melted on your tongue, you couldn't help but let out a small moan of approval.

Jin froze, watching you... Your moan caught his attention, the stirring in his trousers starting to bother him immensely. He loved food, but watching someone else love food... Someone like you; he couldn't control his urges much longer.

He started to tap his foot in annoyance, his knee bouncing. He became fidgety, wolfing down his cake quickly in an attempt to speed up the last few moments of the evening. He wanted nothing more than to take you home.

And you noticed all of it. So naturally, you played up to it.

"Oh god, it's so good..." you huffed, mouth half full. You scooped up another mouthful, holding it towards Jin, "Do you want to try?" you asked, innocently.

"No, thank you." His jaw clenched back into place. You were loving this.

You took the bite for him, letting out another approval moan and watching from under your lashes as his gaze lay intently on you and he adjusted the tightness of his tie to give himself more room to breathe.

As you neared the end of your dessert, Jin flagged down the server and impatiently asks for the bill. The server nods, scuttling away to bring over the leather wallet. Jin is already prepared with his card in his hand.

By the time you've finished up, dinner is paid for. You server clears the table and Jin, still remaining chivalrous, takes your hand to help you stand, places your purse over your shoulder and proceeds out of the restaurant with you in tow.

He hails for a cab, opening the door and letting you climb in first. The ride home, you chatter mindlessly with him, and although he seems interested his mind is wandering. His thigh is so close to yours, your interlocked hands sat just above the slit in your dress, so close to bare skin... He wants to touch, wants to feel how beautiful you are, not just see it.

The cab pulled up outside your apartment, and Jin paid the driver. You tried to pay, at least for something this evening but he wouldn't allow it.

The walk up to your apartment was quiet, your fingers still locked together affectionately, until you had to find your keys and unlock your door.

You turned around to face him, standing in the doorway. Jin made no effort to step inside or invite himself in; but you were about to do that for him.

"Thank you for a lovely meal, Seokjin," you smiled, leaning against the doorframe and looking up at him with a smile.

"My pleasure, y/n. Somewhere different to eat than the place you work, for a change," he smiled back, plunging his hands into the pockets of his slacks.

"It was a lovely place. Maybe we should do it again some time?"

"I'd like that, a lot."

A silence fell on you both as you watching him rock on the balls of his feet uncomfortably.

"Well, I'd better um... get going then," he leaned forward, planting a small and affectionate kiss on your cheek, but lingering as he pulled back.

His eyes darted down to your lips, contemplating. He wanted to, so bad. Did you want him to? Should he ask? Your eyes met, the tension between you feeling like static electricity.

Kiss me, Jin. Just kiss me. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me! You hoped that perhaps he would be telepathic and hear you yelling at him with your mind. Perhaps he was...

His lips leaned in, the same lips you had been watching so closely all evening, and pressed to lightly on yours, testing the waters.

Almost immediately, you apply a little pressure to mould your lips together. You feel one of his hands tangle in your hair as you stand up straight, coming away from leaning against the doorframe. You place a hand on his chest, as he deepens the kiss with his free hand on your waist. The space between you is now minimal, Jin's broad shoulders and height almost engulfing you.

"Maybe you'd like to stay..." you said as you pulled away, looking up into his eyes. "For one last drink?" Jin only nodded, crushing his lips on yours and pushing you back into your apartment. He shut the door behind him, before resuming another very heated kiss.

"I-I don't have any wine in," you say, breathing heaving between kisses.

"I'm not thirsty," he confesses, continuing to back you into your apartment towards the door he assumed was your bedroom.

Along the way you shed him of his tuxedo jacket, the heavy material landing with a thud along the floor somewhere. You were working on his bow tie when the backs of your legs hit the bed. With the tie discarded you made light work of his shirt buttons, untucking it from his slacks but as you tried to pull it off him, he pushed your shoulders down. Your balance faltered and you hit the bed, Jin immediately between your legs and hovering above you, his bare chest inches away and his lips on your neck.

You had always loved neck kisses, the tickle of them so playful until he reached that weak spot where your neck met your shoulder. You let out a shaky breath, a small moan following much like the ones you made to tease him earlier.

His hand found its way to your thigh, slipping between the slit of your dress that he'd been eyeing up most of the evening. Finally, he could touch the skin, caress, stroke you and feel you. He slid his hand further up your thigh, wanting nothing more than to strip your clothing and get as close to you as humanly possible.

His fingertips grazed over the material of your underwear, the lycra of them somewhat unexpected to Jin.

"Hang on..." he says, a playful and yet confused tone to his voice. Realisation dawned on you as he rose to his knees attempting to lift the skit of your dress past your hips for a better look at what he had felt. You try to stop him, to push your dress back down but it's too late; it's around your hips.

You cheeks flush and you cover your face with your hands.

"What on earth are these?" he laughs, running his finger along the seem.

"No, I forgot I was- fuck! I was gonna change!"

"No, no, don't. I like them," he teases, pinging the waistband of your ridiculously huge control top panties against your stomach. You giggle, hiding your face out of embarrassment. "So sexy, y/n," he leans forward and kisses you again, grinding his hips against the lycra. The feeling sends a bolt of electricity through your spine, a gush of arousal forming at your core. "I'm sorry, but I have to have another look," he jokes, shuffling down again.

"No, stop!" you laugh, trying to pull him back up to you.

"No need to be embarrassed, darling. I'm wearing something quite similar myself." You laugh at his obvious lie. "Here look, I'll show you," he stands off the edge of the bed, kicking his shoes off and unzipping his slacks, pushing them down to reveal... completely normal boxer shorts.

"Liar!" you accuse, still giggling.

"Well, I suppose, but it got my trousers off..." he grins, diving towards you again and planting his lips along the cleavage above the bust of your dress. "So tell me..." he plants more kisses, "why were you wearing such enormous panties?"

"They're control top panties, Jin..." He plants more kisses across your chest. "My dress bunched around my tummy, so I wore them to flatten it down."

"Control top, eh?" he hovers over your face, smirking down at your through his glasses. "I consider myself to be quite the control top myself," his eyebrow lifts as his tone turns low and laced with filthy double entendre.

You have no time to respond to him, as he sits up to pull the enormous panties off you, sliding them down your legs followed by a trail of peppered kisses all the way down to your ankle, before he throws the panties across the room. His hands roam up your thighs, caressing the flesh and sliding up under your skirt to your hips, grabbing hold of your curves.

One hand moved down, towards where you needed him most. He traced a finger through your folds, feeling the wetness that had gathered at the excitement of previous actions. With his finger coated in your arousal, he brings it up to your lips and presses past them, making you taste yourself on his finger.

"So pretty," he almost whispers, before he's popping that finger out of your mouth and diving it back through your folds, circling over your swollen clit. Your chest heaves with the deep breaths you take to keep yourself calm, a groan slipping past your lips that Jin can't help but let get to him. His cock is practically twitching in his boxers, begging for contact but like he had said before; he was a control top, a dom. He wanted to get you worked up before he let his own desires take over.

"How does it feel, y/n? Hmm?" he asks, his lips hovering over yours as his finger work magic on your clit, swirling around and around... You don't answer, simply moan out another guttural moan that rocks through him.

Suddenly he lands his palm against your mound, slapping harshly. You cry out, the pain a sharp contrast to the bliss you were feeling before.

"How does it feel, y/n?" he asks again, resuming his earlier motions.

"S-so good.. It feels so good," you stutter.

"Good girl," he praises. He dips his finger further into your folds, toying with your entrance and slipping one finger down to the knuckle, before pulling out and assaulting your clit again. "What do you want, y/n? Tell me."

"Y-your fingers, Jin... Please, I-I need them inside," you squirm, breathes so shallow. He obliges, dipping two fingers into your pussy this time and curling them, hitting the spot inside that you needed the most. You cry out, the feeling too much.

"Would you like me to make you cum, y/n?" he asks, his fingers working miracles inside you. You fail to answer him again, moaning unintelligibly. This time his free hand slaps harshly at your thigh, making the chub jiggle and ripple and leaving a red hand print.

"Yes!" you yelped immediately, lovely the pain but wanting so badly to please, "Please, please... make me cum!"

"There, not so hard, is it?" he smirks, the pace of his fingers quickening. You feel a familiar heat building in your stomach, crawling up your body and flushing on your cheeks. You're moaning, but it's not enough for Jin. He wants you screaming, writhing under his touch.

Without taking his fingers out of you, he dips his head down, using his tongue to lap at the bundle of nerves he had slapped moments ago. The extra sensation coupled with the fingers he was abusing your cunt with felt incredible. Your body twisted against the mattress, Jin trying his best to keep you grounded with his spare hand.

"J-Jin... fuck, it feels good. Oh my GOD, it feel so, so good," you can't stop babbling, moans and groans erupting from deep within you. Whatever Jin was doing to you, it was nothing like any of the men you had slept with before. Nothing.

He uses his whole mouth on you, those plump lips, his tongue... And his fingers; he's been keeping up the pace, fiercely tapping and pumping against your walls.

You can feel it, the urge to tip over the edge, to let yourself be taken over with pleasure getting closer and closer, the tightness in your abdomen becoming excruciating. You're trying to hold off, for what you don't know, but it's getting increasingly difficult, until...

"What? What the hell?" Your head snaps up to see Jin grinning, licking the mess of you from his fingers and grinning as he does so. You were so close...

"Something the matter, sweetheart?"

"Why did you stop?" you ask, breathless. He smirks, leaning over you again to hover his lips above your own.

"Control..." he teased.

He stood up, removing his boxers, socks and the open shirt he had yet to take off, revealing himself in all his glory. Annoyingly, he had the chiseled body of a greek marble statue. One of those little self-conscious moments revealed itself to you as you looked at him; toned chest, taught abs, thick thighs and... well, an impressively large package.

Fuck it, you told yourself. He likes you. He likes your body. Let him see it. Let him fuck it.

You rolled the dress up past your hips where the skirt had bunched, lifting it over your breasts and head to throw it to one side. Just the strapless bra left, you unclasped it and threw that somewhere too, not caring where it landed.

"Wow..." he muses, licking his lips as his eyes scan over you; every curve, every roll, every bump... "Incredible."

"Then why are you still just staring?" you tease. You spread your legs for him, giving him the perfect view of what he wanted to take so badly. "Come and get me."

He wastes no more time, crawling over you and smashing his lips to yours. His teeth graze your lips, biting down on the bottom to force them open enough to push his tongue in. You can feel him, his cock brushing up against your glistening slit, your pussy aching at the denial of your orgasm.

"Ask me nicely..." he says between kisses, grinding his hips into you. He was completely in control, just how he liked it.

"Please, Jin..."

"What?"

"Please fuck me. I need it." You really did.

Jin snaked a hand around his length, positioning himself to line up with your entrance before slowly, pushing into you until his hips met yours, skin on skin.

"Shit," he hisses, relishing in the warm, wet feeling of you stretching around him. That first thrust is always his favourite, he savours it every time.

Soon he starts thrusting his hips slowly into you, filling you so well you groan at the feeling. His fingers start to dig in to your hips, his nails scratching at the skin. It feels so good, the mixture of pain and pleasure something that you made a note to yourself to explore more with Jin in future.

With every thrust he's brushing up again that spot he found inside you, that familiar tightness growing in your stomach once again. You prayed this time he would let you cum; one denial was enough, surely?

With every thrust, your resolve weakened further and further.

"Oh, fuck... y/n," he groaned, sweat forming on his brow and chest. "You're amazing, god the way you jiggle as I fuck you... I love it," he spoke through gritted teeth, pleasure and lust overwhelming him all at one. "You're so beautiful, so so beautiful..." One hand caressed your cheek, pushing a strand of hair away from your face that had stuck to you with sweat.

"J-Jin... it feels so... ah!" he thrusts particularly hard, making you cry out.

"D-do you know how long I wanted this, y/n? How long I waited to ask you out?" he asks, his hips wildly pounding into yours, skin slapping on skin.

"J-Jin, I'm gonna..."

"Not yet... wait," he scorns, "Months, I waited to ask you out. I was... so busy, the band... oh fuck, I thought about you all the time. All the fucking time," he groaned, his own end getting closer and closer...

"J-Jin, please... can I cum...?" you sob, tears forming at the edges of your eyes. You're sure your make up has smudged but what kind of fucks did you give right now, with a man like Kim Seokjin filling you up?

"Cum for me, baby. Cum on me..." he commanded. Another few hard thrusts, and you did just that.

Clenching your walls against his cock, your orgasm rocketed through your body like a chemical reaction; fast and explosive. Your muscles convulsed as you squeezed your eyes shut tight, crying out an unintelligible string of expletives. Jin held your thighs close to his hips, still thrusting his hips to guide you through it. He made sure that you felt everything; every oversensitive little spark, every thrust of his hips. He needed you to feel as much as you possibly could.

But he was losing control of himself too, watching you hit every high you could. He'd never been so turned on, never felt so good as you clenched around him and writhed in front of him, squeezing your thighs against him as he pulled you as close as he could.

Just as you were starting to come down, his orgasm raged through him. Hot, white strings of cum erupted from him, filling you up as he lost his rhythm. His thrusts were as hard as he could make them, the strength spilling from his body whilst his body performed its own chemical reaction.

The both of you came down together, out of breath, sweaty and totally exhausted. He collapsed onto you, burying his head in your cleavage and hiding his face as he caught his breath. You giggled, looking at him through your fucked out eyes laying sprawled out on you. Both your bodies were hot and sweaty, but Jin found comfort in the extra pounds you had.

"God, you're so soft..." he groans, nestling into you.

"J-Jin, can you get off my tits?" you giggled, pushing him to lay next to you rather than on you. You were far too hot for that right now. Far too sweaty...

"Sorry... so comfy..." his controlling mannerisms seems to have ejected from his body the second his cum did. Now, he was acting a fool again, the playful and stupid Jin you first started crushing on.

"You're cute," you giggle, turning onto your side to face him.

"You're beautiful," he grinned, completely silly and yet completely sincere. "I meant it you know. I have wanted to ask you out for so long. You're just... perfect, y/n."

"Hmmm, yeah. I am perfect," you grin. "But you, Mr. Kim, are the eighth damn wonder of the world." He laughs at that.

"Am I that good in bed, huh?" he joked.

"Absolutely," you grinned, placing a kiss on his lips.

"I'm glad you think so," he sat up, pulling you until you lay over him, straddling his hips. "Because I'm just getting started..."

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

HELLO I'M BACK!! GUESS WHO HAS A TERM BREAK COMING IN A FEW DAYS I'M VERY HAPPY :D this ask is Very Long so i'm going to split it up into a few parts

part 1/2

But honestly, it would probably be something like “I’m going to bring a (dead) chicken to class for show and tell and you two need to act horrified and cause a ruckus because it would be fun and it would scare the other kids :)”. (this is probably bullying, so in an effort to make them slightly better kids, an alternative plot is that a stray cat has been coming to their school and in order to make friends with it, they feed it a whole-ass dead chicken Nyo China got from the butchers and was planning to cook for dinner. The teachers are horrified and confiscate Yao’s backpack for fear of germs and salmonella.)

hhhhhh the first idea is SO FUN my gremlin repressed anger eight year old self would've loved it. the idea of bringing a stinking plastic bag to school, opening it, revealing a dead, fly-infested chicken and then maybe playing a small game of lobbing the chicken around for funsies is both simultaneously horrifying and amazing. however the second idea is also amazing, one of my previous schools had stray cats and staff and students would feed and pet them (and i miss it :( ) and it was the Best feeling... or maybe they could do BOTH? but this time they're planning to bring a dead chicken to feed the cat (aw, even if yao probably gets detention. also a lecture from nyo china on what exactly you should feed a cat, including why you shouldn't steal the chicken she bought to feed it.) and the next time they can bring like. a bunch of dead flies to show their classmates but in a not bully way. i went once to this family friend's house in a part of the countryside that had an abundance of flies. (i literally haven't thought of this in years i'm remembering so many childhood things because of this omg) they had this paper covered with glue that the flies would land on and then be stuck on the paper. it was both disgusting and amazing to watch a black mass of bulbous bodies straining with their legs (which were probably thinner than my hair) to escape the paper. i also think that indchuran, being both little sadists in the making and having an abudnace of fascination like many children, would take great delight in watching an unsuspecting fly landing on the glue, watch it still, glancing around eerily similarly to when humans realise they have gotten themselves in a bad situation, and then start struggling with all their might to get out. but fuck the flies tho they landed on our food all the time there and it sucked. they can die :)

THE PROBELM is... how will they get that many flies in what i assume would be a gentrified ass area with frequent fumigation efforts given that nyo china would not accept anything than the best elementary education for her ward?? (i have a solution) maybe indus has friends in the countryside and she goes with aditya to visit them. and while they are talking aditya wanders about and discovers a few pieces of paper filled with flies. because he is a gremlin, he is Fascinated with these pieces of paper, and he takes one out to Further Examine. all the adults yell at him, but he is Fascinated and will not be stopped. and then a Thought occurs to him: who would probably enjoy this as much as he would? duh, his friends of course! good things must be Shared even if they're kind of disgusting! so what he does is he gets a disposable plastic tupperware like container, very gently places the fly paper into it, pokes a few holes for air, sprinkles some sugar because he thinks that'll keep them alive, and wraps most of it up in duct tape he found so indus can't see it. unfortunately most of the flies died on the way home because the container was stuffed into aditya's bag and the paper slid to the side + there wasn't enough air, BUT the dead flies are still a Sight to behold when he visits iran's house (which yao is /coincidentally/ visiting) to show them. then he brings it to school after the weekend, and everyone is Fascinated and thinks it is Very Cool, at least until the teachers see it and start screaming. they throw it away but indchuran get an Idea to put dead flies into the bags of people they hate (this is now just bullying) so that opens up a very few interesting weeks of attempts to collect flies in a fumigated city and Horror for the school. fun times for all!

😔 finding and reading that encyclopedia is probably one of my formative memories now and i wish it wasn't 😔 i bet yao during his teenage years would look back on it and be like "... oh my GOD." but i think he would appreciate her directness even if he didn't absorb all the information correctly or remember most of it lmao because it seems like only a very small percentage of the world has actually good sex ed and i don't think indchuran's school would be an exception. at least nyo china like you said instilled a good sense of consent with them 😔 also the idea of saying fuck in mandarin makes me break out in hives the AUDACITY of saying fuck in your first language but of course he would. he WOULD. nyo china probably wouldn't even have purposely taught him that which is why he doesn't know what it means, just that it's an insult, but once they come up to her to complain all she does is give them a Terrifying Contemptuous Glare and steer yao away from them. yao is her kid and therefore entitled to say fuck whenever he wants.

Prev

First things first I hope you had a good term break! this is... very overdue sorry about that :(

Second, ALSK:FJ:SLFDKSFDLKJSLDF the fly infested chicken is disgusting and I want so badly to intervene,,, they need hELP. Please learn about proper sanitation, children, I’m begging you T-T. Also, headcanon accepted: they’re ostensibly bringing it to feed the cats (which is hopefully allowed) but also they want to terrorize (or awe) their fellow classmates with this discovery. Watch the school call up nyo china about this, but she gets annoyed only because yao wasted human food in order to feed cats, not because he brought an inappropriately dead chicken to school that scared the younger kids and fellow classmates lol; what a great value system. Also this scenario def happened:  School: your child got in a fight. Nyo China: Oh no! Did he win?

I am both fully revolted and half fascinated by the flypaper thing because on one hand I CANNOT stand flies, and killing them is 178% gross. But also the way you described it is... very compelling and I would like to experience that, gross as it is lol. So yea I can definitely see those three nastily observing the flies getting stuck to the flypaper one by one... they all intently watch the flypaper with round and curious eyes and it really looks very cute from far away, three heads of fluffy hair close together and bent over something, carrying on an animated whispered discussion, until you get closer and see that they’re watching flies on flypaper •—•;; An even more gross scenario would be if one of them accidentally squashes one and they crowd around to see what fly guts look like 😭 bonus points if it happens during school. Also YES to Indus’s countryside friend; I feel like India would have a lot of fun exploring over there and would be able to bring back v cool stories for city slicker Yao, and also Iran (although I don’t know where they’d live precisely. I feel like they’d probably have a medium sized house with very nice art and Classy furniture (they got good taste from somewhere), but they’d also knows a lot about how rural areas work and stuff, so uh.. suburbs? Or something like that?)

“then he brings it to school after the weekend, and everyone is Fascinated and thinks it is Very Cool. . .” O—O sigh... three balls of absolute chaos. At least the other kids are fascinated this time instead of apprehensive ^-^ but the dead flies in lockers AL:KDSLFDSJF PLEASE NO me as an elementary student would have been absolutely horrified and I. really hope they get detention for that lol; Please Tone Down kids 😔 (also do y’all get flies in the lights at school? Because every single classroom I’ve been in has either had flies, wasps, moths, or some other black spots in the lights and they’d multiply as the year went on 😭 I never thought about it too much but... what if they linger around to watch the lights get cleaned? o-o)

“i bet yao during his teenage years would look back on it and be like "... oh my GOD."” YEAH there’s always a select few memories that make you realize “what even WAS that” and I think this is one lol. Yao just buries it in the back of his spacious mental closet and makes India and Iran swear not to bring it up again but inevitably they do :))))) they find it rather hilarious, actually. Also yes at least Nyo China did a good job in that department!

“also the idea of saying fuck in mandarin makes me break out in hives the AUDACITY of saying fuck in your first language but of course he would” lol I wrote that thinking he'd call someone a 王八* (because it could technically pass as a regular noun o-o. Who knows, maybe he was insulting someone for being slow like a turtle but it got out of hand due to word choice lol) but... the second scenario is quite something... I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. RIP the other parents who just have to fervently hope that disgraceful kid from next door grows out of his foul mouth soon (he never does, just gets better at pretending his language is elegant and not at all dirty XD)

*for non mandarin speakers 王八 is literally a soft shelled turtle, but is actually a pretty big insult in mandarin :)

[xueyangs-pinky-finger]

oh so i watched cats yesterday...

first of all, we had to pay $16.50 for it bc it’s not available to rent anywhere bc they know this is the kinda thing people only wanna watch one time, so that’s already pretty vomit-inducing...

and you expect the cats to look awful and they do but it’s bad for so many other reasons?? it just fails in every way imaginable...

they didn’t seem to give any thought to the scale of the cats; they’re way too tiny in comparison to the people items we see them with, and the mice are then somehow way smaller to the point where they’re the size of like one cat finger?? and the cockroaches are the same size as the mice?? and that ridiculous ratio isn’t even consistent, like the props and everything are just all over the place. (how come ian mckellen’s coat had such large buttons? they can make cat-sized shoes, but not buttons? not to mention they’re still way too small to be human-sized buttons, so again, the inconsistent scaling... who makes the clothes for cats? why do some cats wear clothes inconsistently but others don’t wear clothes at all? taylor swift was completely naked except for a pair of high heels... why make a cat wear heels... have you ever met a cat! they hate wearing clothes, but shoes are even worse. not to mention she only wore them on her feet and not her hands. why do all these cats walk around on two legs, but then suddenly crawl at random times? why did that one cat hand that magician cat his hat with her mouth when she has two perfectly good hands and the cats have all been using their furless human hands to do things for the entirety of the movie??)

... nor did they seem to give any thought to how catlike these “cats” would be. in fact, it rly seemed like no one on the production crew or in the cast had ever had a cat before. or even interacted with one. or even seen one. which i know isn’t true for taylor at least, so what the hell? the way they moved veered between just regular-ass humans walking on two legs and doing ballet and shit (and do not get me started on the hiphop sequence, dear god, their animated legs moving... 🤢), and spider-man climbing up a wall only they were on the ground. neither made sense, neither were catlike. and why did some cats wear random clothing items while others wore none? some wore just shoes... jennifer or someone wore both a coat and something underneath it with neither covering her boobs at one point, so... what was the point of that outfit? what’s it doing for you at that point? and how come they didn’t give more cats colored contacts or cgi eyes?? only idris elba had cool green eyes, and everyone else just had regular human eyes, mostly just brown. i have three cats, and none of them have brown eyes. in fact, i just looked it up, and no cats have brown or black eyes. and i’m pretty sure miss white kitty victoria should have blue eyes~ (if they were blue, it wasn’t noticeable. idris elba’s eyes were an obvious, intense, clearly fake green, and i wanted more of that honestly.)

it’s so gross in multiple definitions of the word? firstly, there’s the trash scene, which... was just way grosser than it needed to be. & there’s rebel wilson eating human cockroaches, which was also very upsetting to watch and to hear the crunch,,, and the other aspect of it is the sexual energy?? which was just ever-present between every combination of characters, and actually left me confused as to who the main ship (🤮) was supposed to be for a while. why... dear god why... what the fuck were they insinuating lapping up milk in jason derulo’s number in the context of all the girls liking him...

oh that’s another thing. they made sir ian mckellen lap up water or something out of a bowl. it was completely unnecessary and added nothing to the story... so that was A Choice.

twice they had rebel wilson unzip her fucking skin to reveal a show biz outfit underneath, which is horrific enough on its own, but the way there was a huge gap between her chest and the boob cups of her dress?? it’s like okay... you already just let all the female cats have boobs and walk around naked for the entirety of the movie. but letting rebel fill in a dress is too much? that’s where you draw the line?? maybe don’t give her a dress with boob cups then!! it’s just sticking out in front of her and it looked awful... lol speaking of awful. the way they edited their ears through their hats... i’ve seen better work done in catboy edits on tumblr. and if y’all can’t do it then maybe just don’t. just consider not. doing that. it’s like they kept writing themselves into corners or not thinking things through or something. when will you learn that your actions have consequences!!!

they only had the cats show affection one way, and that was by like rubbing their faces together, and i know they did that in the musical too but god it just makes me so uncomfortable... i’d rather they just straight-up made out with their disturbingly human mouths. but it was rly confusing bc you’d see the “main” character victoria do that with her love interest (who was perhaps the most ugly hybrid... he didn’t even look like a human or a cat; he invented a new category and hopefully is the only one in that category forever), so you’re like ‘ok, this is how cats kiss’ or something. but they all do it. victoria did the same thing with dame judi dench! (i rly thought this movie was just gonna end with a big ole orgy, honestly.) so it’s not kissing, it’s more like hugging? but then we literally saw two cats hug each other with their human arms at one point i’m pretty sure... so wtf?!

jennifer hudson always had snot on her face?? like her nose was running, a lot of the time the snot would actually be on her lips, like... that’s the only way they could think of to show her emotions?? sometimes they weren’t even tears, it was literally Just Snot.

the songs weren’t fun at all. they were completely devoid of energy, so to have everyone dance to them didn’t even work or make sense. they’d pause in the middle of songs a lot (e.g. to make jokes about james corden being fat wow so funny hahaha) and ruin any momentum they might’ve otherwise had. a lot of the time they weren’t even singing so much as talking or whispering or chanting with a faint bgm playing over it.

the fatphobia, oh my god. rebel wilson and james corden’s characters only existed for the movie to make jokes about them being fat and eating a lot and have them do awful slapstick.

the main character had no personality at all and didn’t even have her all-important cat name at the end of the movie, which rly shows how much she mattered... yeah she got jennifer hudson sent up into the heavens to either be reborn or just fucking die up there bc how would they know this process actually works? but that’s it. otherwise she just got swept from side character to side character and adapted whatever traits they possessed for the duration of their song.

not only were all the cats way too sexual (i rly think watching actual straight-up porn would be less graphic and disturbing than watching whatever gross fetish this movie exists to cater to), not only did they seemingly make a cum joke (that was the only time they drank milk in the movie! when they were all trying to get with jason derulo! who, btw, is just a nasty person which made it all the more gross to watch), they also... slut-shamed jennifer hudson? and all did drugs, some against their will, in another very uncomfortable, sexually charged sequence. so like what is this movie rated actually and who is it for?? why make a children’s movie with such adult themes? but then, what adult would laugh at james corden being too heavy to get catapulted into the air (followed by him landing on his balls, because humor!)?

taylor swift can’t do a british accent.

lastly, cats have eight nipples. so, to loosely quote danny gonzalez: if you’re gonna give them boobs, at least give them the right amount of boobs.

thus ends my review. please don’t watch this dumpster fire.

(i think this gif clearly shows many of the problems i had with this movie... the sexual energy, the boob cups and shitty cgi, jason derulo... dear god make it stop.)

[cncoluv]

Joel's Love

Warning: It’s fluffy

Note: I tried my best on the Spanish parts. I hope they are right. Sorry if it isn’t correct.

(Y/N)

    I hate this job, but I love it. It is so irritating sometimes. Working at Pizza Hut is not always what it seems; you have to deal with rude customers. Every once in a while, there are some people that make you feel better just by sharing their stories. So far, today was super busy and things were backed up, causing a lot of angry people. Working as a cashier is not always the best. When people are angry, they tend to lash out on you for something you can’t control.

When all of the orders were done and sent out, it was almost time for closing. You were shutting everything down, along with your other co-workers, and it was your day to lock up. As you were walking to the door to lock it, there were five guys asking to come in. They were cute. You allowed it and said, “We’re supposed to be closed, but we can take a small order. Nothing major.” As you walked behind the counter, there was one male that spoke up and said, “Thanks, for letting us in. I’m Zabdiel.” You smiled, “You’re welcome.” All of your other co-workers groaned and one guy shouted angrily, “NO, YOU DO IT! I’M TIRED AND I’M GOING HOME NOW!” Everyone else agreed and left you behind. You sighed and asked them what they wanted. They ordered two pizzas, wings, and a soda.

You washed your hands and began to prepare their meals. You heard someone from the front walk into the back. Without looking up, you said, “You are not supposed to be back here. I can get in a lot of trouble. Please go back up to the front.” The guy didn’t move, so you look up and ask the same thing again. He finally replied with a shy smile, “Thanks for that. You did not have to do it. I am glad you did because I get to see your beautiful face.” You smile and turn your head back to the food. “I’m Joel, by the way. I’m gonna leave, but I just wanted you to know something. We wouldn’t have eaten for another three hours if it wasn’t for your kind heart.” You stop and look down to see that you had already taken your name tag off. “I’m (Y/N), and I am glad that I could help. I’m sorry if I ever came off as rude. It has been a long day.” You are putting on the timer for the pizza. Joel smiled, “No, you could never be rude. You are too sweet and beautiful for that.” You feel him walk closer to you. As soon as you turn around, he kisses you with the softest and lightest kiss that you have ever felt. You stop him reluctantly, reminding him of where you are.

He looks very embarrassed and he walks back to the front without another word. You try and listen to the conversation. You hear Joel say, “Maybe I came on too strong, but she is so beautiful. How can I resist her? She makes me feel butterflies in my stomach and she has the prettiest smile ever.” You blush super hard and hope that you can still talk to him afterwards. Just then, the food timer stopped. After the food was done, you take it out and mix the wings with the sauce. You get everything put together in bags. Zabdiel hops up to get the food when he sees you come around the corner. He smiled and thanked you for the food. Joel stays put. He doesn’t even look at you. Feeling as if you have done something wrong, you blurt out, “Joel, can you come here please?”

With a very excited look in his eyes, he smiles and quickly walks up to you. “Sorry if I came on to you too strong, but if you don’t mind, I would like to take you out on a real date.” You blush, smiling shyly. “I like a strong man who knows exactly what he wants. I would love to have a date with you.” You stand on your tippy toes and kiss him on the cheek. He smiled at you and kissed you softly on the lips, just enough to make you want more. He backed up and stared into your eyes, staring at every inch of your face. He slowly asked, “Are you free tomorrow at about 8? We can go get whatever you would like. We have to stay here. Chris went to check the truck and it’s broken down. We can’t do anything for the next two days.” You smile, “I would like to go get sushi. There is this great place just up the ro-” He kisses you again, apologizing after, “Sorry.. I couldn’t resist myself. You’re extraordinary.”

You smile and you ask him, “Who is Chris by the way?” He said, “One of my bandmates.” He introduces you to everyone. They all say, “Hi.” You spoke with them for a while and they tell you some funny stories of being on tour. You tell them funny stories of working at Pizza Hut. Y’all laugh and have a great time. At about 2 AM, everyone is ready to go since the store closed at 1. You go to the back for a moment to check to make sure you turned everything off. Everyone grabs the food and they stand up. They ask where your car is so they can walk you there. You tell them, “It’s the only black car parked out back.” They look at each other, then back to you before Zab spoke up. “No, when we came, there were two because we parked back there.” You freeze immediately because you know your co-workers’ cars; none of them were black. You tell them that and everyone quickly walked outside to the back. You step around the corner first  to see a few guys step out of the car. The unknown men walk around the corner and they all backed up when they saw the guys behind you. They get in the car and quickly drive off.

Joel says, “You will always be safe with us.” You smile, “Thanks, I appreciate that.” Joel grabs your phone from your back pocket and stops because there is a lock. You unlock it and he puts his number in. You go to your car and tell everyone to get in. “It will be tight, but it’s okay.” They all smile and you take them to their hotel, which was not that far up the road. Afterwards, you go home. The next day, you call up all four girls. They come and hang out with you at your home and tell them about everything that happened. Christina said, “We’re so glad they were there, but girl you got a date.” They all scream and you shake your head, because you knew what that meant. They all shouted in unison, “SHOPPING!” Y’all head to the mall with 2000’s summer music blasting. Everyones’ hair was flowing out of Carrie’s 2017 Jeep windows.

You finally reach the mall after a few minutes and they all go into the prom dress store. You think this is too much. Your youngest friend Christina, who was only 18 said, “We're gonna cover the price, so pick anything in here that you want.” Her family was rich, so you didn’t feel bad about getting it. You look around. In the back of the store, there was this one dress that was on a mannequin that you wanted. They had it in your size. You went to try on this ombre peach colored dress. The dress was thicker in the shoulder, lace draped over some of the breast area, and the rest was a dark pink. It slowly became a light pink, with the length of the dress being down to the floor. It had rhinestones all over it and even in parts of the lace. The sides of the stomach area had lace on it as well. It was backless down the center. It had slits on the sides of the leg for room, but they also had the matching shoes that were dark pink. You try the dress on. It fits you perfectly, including your curves and everything. You walk out and you friends were stunned because they had never seen you in a dress. It looked great. Even the people that worked at the store told you, “That looks amazing on you.”

The girls wanted to pay for it so you take the dress off. You switch back to your regular clothes and give the dress to them. The girls complimented you,“You looked amazing, girl. He isn’t gonna know what to do with himself.” I asked how much did the dress cost because I forgot to look. They said, “Don’t worry about that; we got you covered.” You knew right then it was expensive, so you hurry back to the counter and ask them how much it was. The nice lady said, “It was $1,250 and the shoes were $150.” You freeze. How could they spend so much on you? Christina sighed, “Girl, you looked great in it! We already brought that and the shoes to go with it. You are not making us change our minds about it. Come on, it’s already one o’clock. We have to have you ready and out of the door.” They tried on some dresses and asked if any of them were single. You shrugged, “I’m not sure if they are single or not.” They only tried on dresses when they were going on dates. Kylee smiles, “You have Joel’s number. Ask him if it’s a blind date for us. You already know what they look like, and we trust your judgement.” You texted Joel and talked to him for a while about his day. You asked him the question from Kylee. It took him a while to text back, but it was just in the nick of time, because the girls had asked. He said the boys wouldn’t mind going out on a blind date with them.

The girls screamed and then composed themselves. They got their dresses, which were all beautiful. There was dark blue was for Kaylee, fiery red for Carrie, white for Christina, and black for Ciara. You left and went to the biggest nail salon in town. They were full, but got them done at the same time. You got back to your house. Ciara put the dresses up in the closet. You washed your faces and check the time. It was 4:30. You danced around and had fun. You did each other’s hair and put a pink flower crown in your hair. They put beautiful pink gems through your two thick braids and put dark pink glitter through the curls at the bottom of your hair. You did your makeup. The highlight was especially great. The sunlight shines through your room and you go take a bunch of pictures. By now, it was about 7:15. You put on your dresses and grab your clutches. You texted Joel, telling him that you and your friends were coming. You texted him the address of the sushi restaurant. He said “Gracias mi amor. No puedo esperar a verte.” (Thank you my love. I can’t wait to see you.) It was about a ten minute drive up the road, but the girls wanted to do a few touch ups on their makeup. The boys arrived before you did.

When you arrived, you stepped out of your car so your hair wouldn’t blow in the wind with Carrie’s Jeep. You made sure everyone’s hair and makeup was okay. You walked in and noticed Joel’s text. “Table 7 is us. For everyone else, Richard table 2, Zabdiel table 5, Erick table 9, and Christopher table 4.” You had shown the girls who they were because you had looked them up earlier. They had chosen who they thought was cute and matched them the most. You were walking near table 7. As Joel was picking up his water, he stopped. His jaw dropped and so did the water. It broke on the ground. There was a waitress that was walking up who said, “I see why you dropped the water, sir. She is pretty.” You smiled and thanked her. She picked up some of the pieces with a napkin. She told you to stand there so she could get some items to clean up the mess. She rushed to get back, but Joel said, “Mi amor, eres la mujer más hermosa que he visto en mi vida.” The waitress came back to clean up the mess. She did it rather fast, and you could feel that Joel was staring at you the whole time. The waitress says that you are able to sit down and she gave you a menu. You quickly order and she smiled, “Enjoy your dinner.” You and Joel thanked her. She smiled before walking away. You could see that he was very nervous because his voice was shaking. He kept slouching and pulling himself up. Also, he kept saying, “Sorry about that” after he spilled his water like five times on the table. His hands were shaking within a minute of you sitting down. You grab his hand and asked him, “Joel, why are you nervous? It’s me, the same girl you were brave enough to kiss.” He smiled and you could feel his tension loosen up. He replied, “I was nervous then, but now it’s more visible because I get time with you. While you look like a queen, I am trying to process that you are my girlfriend.” You smile and tease him, “Girlfriend after only two days? We haven’t even finished this date.” He smiled, showing his pearly whites. Joel blushed a little, “You make me feel like the luckiest man alive. I want to take you everywhere I go and never let you go. I will marry you one day.” You smile, trying to hold back a blush. “Okay, I will be your girlfriend and….” Just then the waitress walked up with the food. His sushi looked good. You had also ordered a meal because you knew sushi was not gonna fill you up. For the rest of the night, you two talked, laughed, and ate each others’ food. It was one of the best nights of your life. You never wanted to change it. You saw that all of your friends eventually left. You also realize that it was only Joel and you in the restaurant. You get out of there and take your car to go to a magical place. It had beautiful scenery under the stars. You both get out of the car and get on the ground, staring at the stars. He kisses you gently, just like the first time. For the rest of the night, you continue talking. The next morning, you wake up back at your apartment and see that you still had on your dress. You were in your bed. You got up and he was on the couch. You noticed that he was asleep. When you walked near him, it woke him up. He smiled at you, “I hope that you had a good sleep, mi amor. The boys said the truck is fixed.” He asked if you wanted to go with them, so you agreed. You got dressed and packed your things, ready to adventure with the love of your life.

[rho-kassiopeia]

The Sea of Midnight Excerpt

Have an unedited and poorly written excerpt of SoM! I hope y’all like it. I’m still insecure about my writing. 

TRIGGER WARNING (I’m not sure if this is one, but I’d rather be safe than sorry): There’s one character in this chapter who’s absolutely awful. Don’t think that he stays in the story for long.

~~~~~

As children, we hear fantastical stories. No one cares to correct children when they claim they’re mermaids or fairies. They’re children. They learn that those things aren’t real. But they never do learn. They die pretending that one day they’ll swim underwater without a need for air.

My parents believed in these myths as well. My mother often called me a “child of the ocean”. She was a special woman: never believing I could do wrong. My father was the same way. They were good people; always patient and optimistic until the end.

I think of them now. They must be disappointed in the person I’ve become. A woman who is never free from her own expectations. Someone who has turned to immoral acts to provide for herself.

I run down the streets of Arobet, a small city-state in the empire of Sodian. A place that I call home. The streets I walk are strange. The roads are paved, people of a higher class than my own stare at me, scoffing at my appearance and my obvious desperation. The women’s dresses are brightly colored and make the wearer look regal. The men point jeweled canes in my direction, tugging their coats tighter around them. They act like just looking at me would cause them to drop dead. In some ways, I envy these people. They’ve never had to work too hard to keep themselves afloat. I can almost guarantee that none of these women have had to sell their hair to make a few extra coins.

Have any of them lost family members to disease? Have they ever worked a day in their lives? Do they even know what it’s like to not sleep in a bed, but instead on the cold ground as it rained? I highly doubt it.

I can feel each bone in my body growing bitter because of my thoughts. I push them away. I hate being bitter or angry. The people who are closest to me often tell me I’m too sweet to be angry about anything. I don’t believe this to be true, but I try to keep their image of me positive.

My destination is a large house with chipped white paint. The house itself isn’t in wonderful condition, but the garden in the front is magnificent. Besides what’s inside, it may be the best part of this house. I knock on the door, fiddling with the fabric of my dress as I wait for an answer. A maid answers the door. She shakes her head and sighs at the sight of me. We know each other. Not well, of course, but we’ve encountered one another many times as I would rush out of this house on early mornings. I haven’t seen her in quite some time. She can’t be happy to see me back here. But this time, I’m not being led to the bedroom by her employer.

“He’s in his study.” She says once I’m stepped inside. She doesn’t say any more. She hurries away from me, disappearing up the wooden stairs.

I know where the study is. My feet take me there without me having to think too much about it. The door is shut and I open it without knocking. He sits at his desk, surrounded by books and pieces of parchment. He hears the door open and he looks up, his eyes finding me immediately.

“Hello, Mathilde,” He says, smiling. “How’s my favorite hussy?”

I sigh, looking at the floor. “Don’t call me that, Amias. I just need a bit of help with something.”

Amias stands, walking towards me. His smile never fades, only twists to be more frightening. I shrink back, almost regretting my decision to come and see him. But he’s the only person who knows of my plans that’s able to help me.

“Are you planning to leave now?” I nod. Amias laughs. “No one will take you! You’re a woman and I can confirm that you’re bad luck.”

There’s the foolish rumor that women are bad luck when sailing. This is causing a problem. I want to get away from the people of Arobet and the only way I can do this is by joining a crew of sailors. I’ve tried sneaking away with merchants; that got me beaten and left back where I started. Buying my way out of Arobet isn’t an option. What money do I have to spend? None.

My last option is to sail away, leaving my life on the shores of Sodian; in a town where people are sent to die.

“Someone will. People are desperate for companionship.”

“Darling, you won’t survive a day with pirates. You won’t even make it onto a ship.”

I snort. “Who said anything about pirates, and why won’t I make it onto a ship?”

He puts one hand under my chin. With his other hand, he twirls a strand of my red hair around his finger. He lowers his lips to my ear. “Because what would I do if my favorite left? I can assure you, if I don’t want you gone, you won’t be going anywhere.”

“I’ll go where I want.” I jerk away from him. “All I need's a bit of money. That’s it.”

Amias nods and walks over to his desk. He takes a purse out of a drawer, letting a few coins slip through his fingers. He stands in front of me again. Taking a gold coin from the purse, he holds it in front of my eyes.

“You will get your money, but you’ll have to work for it.”

“You know my terms,” I say, my gaze falls to the floor and my voice softens.

“Oh, no. You’re not doing that yet,” He presses the coin into the palm of my hand. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I hate you.”

He laughs. “I already know that, darling. Try again.”

So, I find something he doesn’t know. I talk until he’s out of gold coins. Amias refuses to give me any of the silver ones. He thinks they have more value. I hate that I know that about him. That’s what happens when you have a regular customer, I suppose. You get to know each other a bit too well.

Amias gives me a bag, urging me to keep track of the coins. The only thing more important to him than a familiar prostitute would be his money. And his money is mine now.

“Now, go buy your way out of this place. Not that it’s at all possible for you.” Amias waves a hand dismissively. “You belong to the men of this town, Mathilde.” He lowers his lips to mine, kissing the corner of my mouth. “But, I will see you tomorrow because you’re mine. As long as I have money, you belong to me.”

I shiver and fight back the urge to shove him away.

Amias walks to the door of his study. “I have to go get my wife. The woman’s decided it’s a good idea to waste away my fortune on frivolous items. My brother is in town, as well.” Amias smiles at me. “Maybe you can provide him with the same services that I get.”

He leaves, laughing to himself. I don’t understand how that’s at all humorous. Amias is a vile man; only concerned with matters relating to his money and his reputation. If there was a way that I could refuse to be in his presence, I would have never met him. But like Amias said, I belong to the men of this town.

I exit the study. Seeing that Amias is nowhere in sight, I make my way to his wife’s bedroom. The door to the room creaks open. Light filters through a window, highlighting the dust that’s settled on every piece of furniture in the room. I know his wife is almost never home, he wouldn’t need me if she was, but I didn’t realize how long she’s been gone until now. Do the maids ever clean this room?

I open the wardrobe that stands across from the window. Extravagant dresses hang inside. I pick the simplest one, swapping my dirtied clothes for this dress. The dress is maroon and comes down to my elbows. I don’t like to steal. I despise it, actually. Strangely enough, taking this dress doesn’t feel like stealing. Is that something a thief would say? Perhaps it is.

I walk down the hall to Amias’ room. I open the door, find the satchel I know will be resting against it, and pull that over my shoulder. Amias has a desk in his room and I don’t understand why he needs it. He has a perfectly good one in his study that he uses more than this one. Regardless of why he has it, that desk is helping me now. There’s a brown leather coat on the desk chair. I grab the coat, knowing that it’ll be too big for me. I don’t mind that. I tend to like clothes that aren’t my size.

After pulling both the coat and the satchel onto my shoulders, I make a dash for the door. My footsteps echo loudly and I grab the attention of every person I pass. All the servants here know and detest me. They’ve all seen me run out of this house before. They never stare. Maybe they know this is the last time I’ll be seeing them. I really hope it is.

Taglist: @insearchof-solace @metaphors-and-melodrama @thescribesloft @yearlyaquariace @inexorableblob @this-is-a-username-haha  @katekyo-bitch-reborn @mastery-in-procrastination  @adventuresdooccur @kaigods @fallenonespoetry @leicawri @livvywrites

[jonelleguevara-blog]

sprouting from the root

Growing up with a negative self-image has led to the unimaginable. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t always feel this way. As a little girl, I was stress-free and didn’t feel the pressure of having to impress anyone. Society put the thought in my mind that to be normal you had to be a size 2, straight-A student, and most importantly White. Kind of impossible when you’re an overweight Mexican girl. From then on out my mental health continued to get worse. The only way to overcome this negativity was through motivation.

Although family can be a great motivator, it can also be an enormous stressor. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do in the world to give them a better life, considering what they have done for me. Growing up, both my parents came from low-income households with strong independent single mothers. Their fathers were not in the picture, but that never stopped them from doing what’s best for their kids. With the hope of giving us a better life, my father worked hard in school so that he could further his education and get a good job. He didn’t want us to ever worry about whether we had food on the table or a roof over our heads. Even though this motivates me to do better in school, it puts a lot of pressure on me. There is always a piece of me that feels like I am going to disappoint my father.

My brother and sister both have felt this same pressure on them. This has caused their mental health to suffer-especially my brothers. I tried explaining to my parents that they were too hard on us, but they didn’t understand. All my parents would say things like, “Why can’t you just be happy?” or “You don’t know what stress is.” The day my mom finally realized where we were coming from was when I told her that my brother had tried to kill himself. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. “I don’t know why you and siblings complain about being stressed if you guys have a great life”. That was the day that I realized my mom wasn’t educated about mental health and the effects it has on people. “I know we have a great life; it isn’t even about that. You guys don’t know how much stress we have and how much pressure y’all put on us” “We don’t put pressure on you guys” “Really? Cause last time I checked, it isn’t normal for kids to feel the need to kill themselves”. Tears rolled down our cheeks as we sat in silence. It was uncomfortable but I knew that from now on things were going to be different.

When my mother was 7 months pregnant with me my father received news that his job was moving him to the United States. After being presented with the opportunity, my family hopped on a plane to head to Wilmington, North Carolina. My parents were excited to start their new lives in the “land of opportunities”. Living in Wilmington seemed like a dream with a safe neighborhood, great school district and amazing weather. It wasn’t until I started school that I realized everything was great, except for the people. Going to school was a living nightmare. The kids would look at me differently and judge me because of the color of my skin. I recall this one time a little boy told me I looked like a “Mexican jumping bean” and asked me if I “swam here”. I didn’t think anything of it because I didn't even know what that meant. I sat there confused as the kids laughed at the racist remark. Coming home I told my brother and sister about the incident that happened in class. They told to me that they were just being bullies and not let it get to me. Now that I think back to that moment it upsets me to think that kids that young could be so cruel.

Throughout the years I grew to ignore the things they said to me and accepted that I was never going to be “normal” to them. After all the hate I still found a way to make some friends and even met more Hispanic kids. Although things were getting better, I still felt that I needed to try a little harder than everyone else to fit in. As if it was my fault that kids didn’t like me. I didn’t feel happy, it wasn’t until the day I came home from school and my parents told us that my dad had been hired at a new job and that we would be moving to Sugarland, Texas.

It was exciting to know that I had another chance at making a good impression. I had no prior knowledge of Texas; all I knew was what Sandy Cheeks taught me off of SpongeBob. Because of this, I thought that it was going to be a hot desert and that I would wear cowgirl boots and shorts to school. I was completely wrong. We moved here during the summer, so it was hot, but it wasn't like a desert at all. Houston was big and bright (something I wasn’t used to since I grew up in a small town). Since I moved there in the summer, I didn’t really have much of a chance to make new friends, so I just had to wait it out until I went back to school. Going back to school was nerve-wracking because this would mean I'd have to make friends again and in the past being Mexican didn’t give me much of an advantage. Being Mexican in North Carolina meant being different, and not in a good way.

My first day at Dulles Middle School was nothing like I'd expected. The diversity in that school was ridiculous. Everywhere I looked I saw a different race. Mexicans, African Americans, Asians, Middle Eastern, it was like culture shock. The diversity I saw was overwhelming, and for the first time in my life, I felt as if I could fit in. It wouldn’t have been a proper first day if something embarrassing didn’t happen. Most of the middle schoolers were used to going off a 7-period schedule. I, on the other hand, was still so used to block classes. So, while everyone was in their 6th-period class I was in my 7th-period gym class. As soon as we figured out what class I was supposed to be in my gym teacher sent one of his students to show me where my class was at. Walking out of the gym the girl began to make small talk, “so are you new here?”, “Yeah, I just moved here” I replied. We had an awkward pause. “Well if you want, we can be friends”. Soon enough we were inseparable.

Before school started my mother had to fill out some papers and on one of the papers it asked what my first language is. My mom obviously put Spanish since that is the language I spoke at home. Assuming I only spoke Spanish, the school put me into an ESL class which is a class for students that just started learning English. At first, I didn’t think anything of it; I just assumed I was put in the class because I just moved to Texas. As the class progressed, I began to feel like the class was too easy, so I spoke with the teacher and requested a schedule change. The teacher began to rant to the class about me wanting a schedule change. “If you think that you are SOOO smart then how about you answer these questions”? She proceeded to ask me questions in front of the class and I got every single one right. That same afternoon I was pulled in the counselor’s office to switch me out.

Once they switched me into a regular class, everything fell into place. The girl I had met earlier was in the English class they switched me into, so I began to feel more comfortable. “Hey! Come sit next to me.” I sat quickly before the bell rang. “My name’s Kaylee, by the way.” “I’m Jonelle.” Soon enough we were inseparable. By the end of the year, I began to feel welcomed in a way I never felt back home. As time went by, I made new friends, friends of different races and cultures. The next year I even worked up the courage to try out for the cheer team and as a result, I wound up with more friends than I could even imagine. Life was going great; I was happier than as I’d ever been. As 8th grade came to an end, my family bought a house a little further down in the neighboring town of Missouri City. Sadly, this would mean I'd have to move to a different high school and leave all my new friends behind. I was scared that all the friends I had made in the past two years were just going to forget about me.

To help me transition into high school, my mom thought that it would be a good idea for me to try out for the cheer team. Sadly, I missed tryouts, so she told me that the high school I was going to attend had a dance team and asked me if I wanted to give it a shot. I always had a love for dancing but never actually took classes, so I decided to audition. Most of the girls that were trying out already knew each other from middle school so I stayed to myself throughout the whole process. At the end of the day, they posted the numbers of the girls who had made the team and I was one of them. I was so happy that I was going to start this new chapter in my life and get to know more people.

Once school rolled around, I started feeling that same sense of being left out. Going from an extremely diverse school to a predominantly black school was difficult to adjust to. I always felt like I was too Mexican for the white kids, too white for the black kids and too Americanized for the Mexican kids. It was a vicious loop. As the year went by, I struggled to fit in anywhere but dance. Dance was my way of expressing how I felt. I had just left a school where I had many friends. After moving to my new school, I barely spoke to any of my friends. This had a huge effect on my mental health which caused me to start slacking in my schoolwork. At this point, I didn’t feel happy anywhere, not even in my own home. Come sophomore year I was depressed, and not even dance could help me. I’d come home crying and begging my mom to transfer me back to Dulles but there wasn’t anything she could do. She would tell me to make the most out of it and just focus on my grades and dance.

I was in a dark place, I felt abandoned, not even my best friend was there for me. She would rather hang out with her boyfriend than me. The worst part was that he didn’t want her to hang out with me because he told her I was a “whore”. When she told me what he said I was devastated, I couldn’t believe some guy was calling me such horrific names without even knowing me. His racism was what kept me and Kaylee apart, he didn’t like the fact that I liked black boys or that I went to a predominantly black school. I truly had no one to talk to, not even my family.  

Knowing how my parents were, I was too scared to tell them how I felt in fear of them telling me I’m overreacting and that I have no reason to be depressed because I have food on my plate and a roof above my head. Instead of asking for help I bottled up my emotions and kept it to myself. I spent my days locked up in my room and refused to eat. At this point, I had lost 20 pounds in one month. To people I looked perfectly fine and happy but, on the inside, I was just rotting away. I hated the way I looked, the way I acted, I hated myself.

As junior year was approaching my grades went from C’s to A’s. The motivation I once had was starting to come back but even stronger than before. I reconnected with my friends Allie and Skyler and I began to make more friends because of them. Dance also helped me find my crowd. It wasn’t just a distraction at this point, dancing was fun and because of that, my team became like another family. The most influential person I met on the team was Ashlyn Sydney Gipson. She reminded me of the importance of self-worth and taught me to never let anybody walk over me. A sisterhood bond formed over the love of dance.

Although my social life was getting better, I still felt kind of lost. Mixed emotions filled my head daily. Was I happy? Was I sad? At that point, I had no clue. My initial thought was that my hormones were out of whack, so I just ignored it and went on about my year. The sound of the bell on the last day of school was like angels singing. That bell meant that as of that moment we were seniors and that summer was going to be the best one yet. I was finally happy and had lots of plans with my friends.

Throughout the summer I spent almost every day at the pool, I mean I was a lifeguard but even when I was off of work. If I wasn’t at the pool, then I was at Allie and Skyler’s house working on a tan or going on late night adventures. Even towards the end of the summer I still felt excited because that meant that this was going to be my last year of high school. The excitement of college was the only thing on my mind. My first week of senior year was a blast.

Towards the end of November, things started to feel rushed. I was so caught up on having fun that I forget that I had to take my SAT. Not only was I behind academically but I started to realize that I didn’t know what I was going to do in life. Somehow, I thought that the second I graduated I was going to be handed a slip telling me what I was supposed to become. I got accepted into Texas State and already had a roommate, but it still didn’t feel right. Was my happiness temporary? Why did I feel like a baby bird being pushed out of its nest with no clue that I had to fly? This wasn’t how I wanted things to go. I was supposed to graduate high school and have my career planned out so that I could make my father proud.

My whole life I was told that happiness was shown with a smile. What if underneath that smile was an unhappy person? No one told me that for one to truly be happy they had to be happy with themselves. This whole time I was letting what people said or thought about me affect my mental health. The key to my happiness.

[ A lot of things went through my mind while writing this memoir. When I first started the outline I wasn't being completely honest with myself. After doing some research I knew that for it to be a real memoir I had to be truthful. The outcome wasn't exactly what I expected but I think it came out alright. In the future, I could possibly see myself furthering this memoir, maybe even post more of my writing. ]

[lovelylapins]

au august day 2

au august day 2: college for @auyeahaugust

as always, i made this way longer than intended. enjoy i guess.

Studying was hard.

Even harder, Marinette supposed, was running around the city of Paris in spandex at the wondrous age of twenty, catching articles on the size of her thighs and waist next to ones demanding the space trash age finally be done with.

“Honestly, who even thinks that Ladybug would look the same after six years of fighting crime? A lot of things have happened, people. Puberty happens,” she complains to Alya, textbooks strewn about them yet ignored. She throws her head back and chugs her coffee, the burn only fueling her anger.

“I feel you,” Alya comments, taking a cool sip from her frappe. “Rena Rouge hasn’t been getting lots of love either these days.”

“But Chat Noir is, of all things. I can’t believe it,” Marinette mutters. She picks up her pencil, tracing designs in the air as she continues talking. “He gets all muscly and lands ten Cosmo articles on how cool and strong he is. You and I suddenly get boobs and next thing you know, we’re shamed in those same articles. They don’t even let Chloé live much these days. I heard her ass was talked about on E! just the other day.”

“What? Jealous about how much love Chat’s getting?” Alya teases. She can’t help it, after all. The envy is practically radiating off of Marinette, filling the coffee shop they’re in with the stench of anger.

“No,” she denies quickly, shaking her head.

Alya throws her a look, one that only her best friend could do.

“Okay, maybe a little,” Marinette admits, sighing. “But, can you blame me? If only I knew who he was, then I could have someone to really push all my anger on.”

“Wait, don’t tell me you two haven’t revealed yourselves yet,” Alya says. “It’s been six years!”

“And?”

“How is it that you still haven’t mustered up the courage to tell that cat? You won’t even let us tell you who he is!”  Alya questions, eyebrow raised. Quicker than Ladybug or Chat Noir could have ever done, Alya, Nino and Chloé had been quick to share their identities amongst their friend group, even going so far as separately telling Chat and Ladybug. The two most revered superheroes, however, have been dodging a confession from each other from years, going so far as purposefully causing the timer on their Miraculous to start to leave the scene quicker.

“It’s different,” Marinette says. And in a way, it is. Chat’s always been different. To her, at least.

“Different my ass. If anything, you know how long he’s been ready to tell you, and I bet you can’t wait to tell him either.”

“Why don’t we get back to studying?” she suggests, trying to change the subject. “Our final is only in two weeks.”

“I’m letting this go for now only because we have to pass, but this is not over,” Alya says, picking up her textbook and opening it up to a random page.

“Okay,” Marinette sighs. She opens up a textbook of her own and reads a section aloud, hoping if she repeats the words enough times it’ll get stuck in her mind. “Although the atom is considered the smallest unit, the atom itself contains smaller particles. Those particles are identified as- “

“Quarks and leptons,” Adrien finishes, sitting down next to Marinette.

“Adrien!” Marinette exclaims, the corners of her mouth raising upwards. After six years, he still manages to bring out the all too familiar feeling of butterflies in her stomach. The only difference now from her fourteen-year-old self was she could actually hold a conversation now (although it did take some time to master). He smiles, lifting up his own copy of the textbook.

“Nino told me you two were studying, and I thought I could lend a hand.”

“You’re a saint,” Alya murmurs, eyes unmoving from her textbook. “We’ve been here for the past thirty minutes with nothing good coming out.”

“Well, what have you guys been doing? Taking notes? Making flashcards?”

“Well, er… kinda just gossiping,” Marinette admits, slightly embarrassed.

“Gossiping?” Adrien raises an eyebrow. “Care to share?”

“It’s a bit on the girl talk side. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to listen in,” Alya says. She grabs her cup of coffee and downs it, feeling the regular caffeine buzz come over her.

“Fair enough. I suppose you’ll let the girl talk rest for a while so we can get to some proper studying?”

“Of course,” Marinette says, beaming. “Do you think you could help explain a bit more on the whole quacks and liptons thing?”

“Quarks and leptons,” he corrects, laughing at how Marinette’s eyes widen. “Hand me a pencil, will you? I’ll write down the definitions for each one.”

Their hands brush a bit as she hands over a pencil, touch lingering for a second. He grabs a flashcard and quickly jots down the definitions, grabbing a highlighter and marking the words for extra measure.

“How can you memorize them so easily? It takes forever for me,” Marinette sighs out, propping her head on her hand.

“I can help you memorize if you want,” he offers, looking at her.

“What? Oh no Adrien, you have to study too!”

“We have all of the same general classes, remember? If anything, it’ll help me out when I become a teacher’s assistant next semester.”

“You’re too nice,” she says, not wanting to trouble him. His schedule is packed to the brim from classes to shoots, and God knows what else.

“I’ll take that as a yes?”

“Only if you let me buy you coffee during study sessions.”

“Deal! When are you free?”

Marinette closes her eyes, racking her brain around for anything coming up. Patrol tonight and Wednesday with Alya, a quick ceremony with Chat in the morning before class on Thursday, and she had planned to go shopping with Chloé and Alya on Saturday.

“I’m free on Friday all day? And I guess I’m free these next few weekdays, but only if we meet up maybe around lunch.”

Adrien frowns, running his schedule through his mind. Tuesday and Friday he had patrol with Nino, and Thursday was a ceremony with Ladybug, with his weekend coated with various photoshoots.

“Yeah, I guess lunch would be a good time for me as well. I guess I’ve been getting a little busy these days!”

“You could say the same for me,” Marinette says, laughing. A familiar blush is on her cheeks, and she feels the slightest shred of teenage excitement ring through her as she realizes she’s agreed to lunch. With Adrien. For the rest of the week.

“Should we get back to studying?” Adrien suggests. “Just point out anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”

“Will do!”

Alya closes her book silently, looking with increasing frustration at the two. God, did she hate how neither knew the other’s identity. It led to moments like this, where she felt tempted to beat up both of her best friends and just scream “How can you not see!?” in their faces. But, it also led to her growing fond of the moments. Even without knowing, Adrien and Marinette reflected their superhero personas outside of the suit with each other. Marinette was leaning slightly on Adrien’s shoulder to better view the words he was writing out, with Adrien scooting close enough so that his hair brushed against hers.

It was almost like they were destined to be together.

Slightly raising her phone, Alya takes a quick picture. Hey, she can’t help it. She’s been a journalist since she got her first phone. It’s like a reflex now to document things like this. Pulling up the groupchat, she starts typing, glad for once that Chat and Ladybug refused to get added in as an attempt to avoid sharing their identities to each other.

Paris’ Baddest Bitches

Alya: y’all we WON today

Alya: [image]

Chloé: holy shit

Chloé: mari is being BOLD

Nino: FINALLY

Nino: who do you think is gonna reveal their identity first

Chloé: mari

Chloé: I love adrien but he’s a lil bitch

Alya: ^^

Nino: true

Alya: but that’s not it

Nino: what else happened??

Chloé: we’re WAITING

Alya: THEYRE GOING ON LUNCH DATES ALL WEEK

Alya: FOR “STUDYING”

Nino: FUCK

Chloé: FUCK

Chloé: THEYRE 10/10 GONNA FUCK

Alya: I KNOW

Chloé: WE WON

Alya: I KNOW

Nino: tell adrien i want notes for the chem final

Chloé: oh shit same

Alya: already planning on taking pics of it xoxo

Chloé: you’re the only bitch in this house i ever respected

Nino: have i ever told you how much i loved you alya

Alya: always

Alya: gotta bounce they’re giving me LOOKS and want me to HELP and FOCUS

Alya: ugh if they don’t end up together at the end of this what’s the point

Nino: uh maybe a degree??

Alya: yeah maybe