#wtf do you mean why is An beside of a SKELETON??

[catcatb0y]

Project Sekai posters be WILD they're saying shit like "This Event HURT me!" or "This song goes so hard," and I am just sitting there like???? ???? Which one?? And there are never any tags.

[discotreque]

Disco 3.08: The Sanctuary

This week IRL was a real mixed bag for me: a lot of messy and barely-manageable anxiety about my health, my day job, and uhhhh *gestures outside*—but also I’ve recently fallen in love (from a responsible social distance)—so it’s been equal parts re-writing professional emails to edit the panic attack out of my tone and gazing dreamily at Discord notifications with cartoon hearts in my eyes. It feels like my life is going to hell in the cutest, coziest handbasket—which is to say that Michael Burnham could not possibly feel like a more relatable character to me right now.

I continue to have issues with the writing at a strange medium-level—somewhere between micro, where the dialogue and characters are really good, and macro, where I’m digging the pace of the overall season, it almost feels like something went wrong in the assembly process, and the script ended up a little bit less than the sum of its perfectly good parts. Again.

But that’s such vague criticism as to be nearly meaningless, and it’s hardly the most interesting level to spend time on anyway. If I zoom out, the parallel season arcs of “getting used to the future” and “the mystery of the Burn” are hanging together wayyyyy better than the Red Angel saga did last year.

And if I zoom in? This episode was funny as shit, wtf.

The discourse re: Tilly these past couple of weeks has been bullshit, and I have a whole angry thing to say about it—but honestly, if you can’t appreciate Doug Jones and Mary Wiseman as a comedic duo, I’m not really mad: mostly I pity the lack of joy in your heart.

Everyone on this show is so funny. Doug’s prissy little delivery absolutely slaughters me (“Execute!...?”), Mary will make a face sometimes that has me screaming laughter into my hands, and I’ve gone on before—and will again—about Sonequa Martin-Green’s egregiously underrated comedy chops.

They were obviously casting for folks w/ jokes in the new season too: David Ajada is no slouch in the dry-delivery or the goofy-face department; his energy and chemistry with Sonequa are as suited to comedy as they are to romance (i.e. extremely 🥵). Anthony Rapp and Wilson Cruz we knew about, but Blu del Barrio—a certified tiny baby!!!—holds their own and lands every smartass whiz-kid one-liner just on the right side of “too precious to stand.” (I almost always at least chuckle, and never roll my eyes, and for a “teen genius” character that’s literally as good as it gets.) And living legend Michelle Yeoh is clearly having the time of her life, omfg.

Disco’s not funny-funny like Lower Decks, but they do funny-on-purpose better than any live-action Trek except maybe DS9. They have such a deep comedic bench they don’t even need Tig Notaro—they have her on just to flex, I presume.

(I don’t know if I’m predicting, per se, that Strange New Worlds—with Rebecca Romjin’s deadpan, Anson Mount’s twinkly eyes, and Ethan Peck’s twinkly-eyed deadpan—is going to have a tone somewhere between Disco S3 and LwD—but I mean... it kinda has to, right? And you know they kept the number for Rainn Wilson’s agent.)

***

At the start of this episode, I was “sure, why the fuck not” about First Officer Tilly; by the end, I was completely on board. And to everyone who’s still wringing their hands about “the real military” this (always from people who have no idea how actual militaries work, lol) and “Lt. Nilsson” that (she... already has a job on the ship? And no character traits besides “stoic” and “furrows brow”? Oh, I get it—she’s skinny and blonde)—y’all are kind of embarrassing me.

“Rank” and “position” (and “seniority” and “day-to-day duties”...) aren’t the same thing, in Star Trek or any IRL military. Yes, the permanent first officers of normal-duty Starfleet ships we’ve seen have usually been command-division officers with the rank of Commander—but not always. Star Trek: Discovery-A, if you will, is a unique show about a unique ship in a unique situation: “B-b-but that’s not how they do it on Star Trek!!!” isn’t a legitimate criticism, not of this—it’s the mournful cry of an entitled pissbaby who isn’t having their hand held all the way to the fireworks factory.

Here’s what an argument supported by the text of the first 37 episodes of Star Trek: Discovery actually looks like: Sylvia Tilly is nervous and lacks self-confidence, but once she gets over herself—which she can do pretty much instantly in a crisis, even when hilariously intoxicated—she is competent as hell. In lower-stakes situations, without intense pressure to focus her attention, she sometimes gets sidetracked by her own insecurities; at her best, she channels that anxious energy into ambition, drive, and being scrupulously organized.

The only person Tilly doesn’t always get along with is Stamets, and even Stamets’s husband thinks he’s an asshole. Since Season 1, we’ve seen her easily socializing with the rest of the crew, who seem to universally adore her. And she’s also happy to leave her social comfort zone at a moment’s notice: she aligned herself with Ash Tyler (miss you, Shazad!) when no one else would, and she instantly befriended Po even when Po was in Weird Feral Alien Princess mode and Tilly had salad in her hair. She doesn’t like confrontation, but she’s brave enough to initiate it anyway if she needs to, and she’s compassionate with other people’s feelings while still setting firm boundaries. (Her graceful dodge of Rhys’s tipsy kiss at the party in 1.07 lives rent-free in my head to this day.)

No, Tilly didn’t finish the Command Training Program—but she started it, which is almost certainly more command training than any of the lieutenants whose names we know, all of whom are Ops or Science personnel with, presumably, specialized non-command training of their own. The same could be assumed for any unseen ranking officers on this science ship with an entirely volunteer skeleton crew.

And seriously, about Nilsson: she’s my #3 background bae after Octopus Head and the lady on Pike’s Enterprise with the spiky red face, but her job is Spore Drive Ops, not personnel. If she’s running after Saru with a holo-clipboard, who’s going to look serious and push holo-buttons when there’s a Black Alert? *drops holo-mic* Drumhead!

***

The stuff on Kwejian, though. Ooof. Ol’ Two-Takes Frakes directed this one, and between the kinetic energy he always adds to the camera and the scintillating performances he evokes, things stayed moving so briskly I almost didn’t notice Book’s entire “homeworld” was a rental house outside Vancouver, a couple acres of adjacent woods, and like six or seven people.

It’s a hot mess in retrospect, but in the moment it gave us the intensity of Book and Kyheem trying to hurt each other’s feelings by poking at 15-year-old wounds, which as a sibling with complicated sibling relationships I found both funny and devastating—not to mention Frakes directing “shaky bridge” explosion falls at an obvious intensity of “10” on an outdoor location shoot. It falls apart at the slightest scrutiny, but I can’t lie, on first viewing I was totally along for the ride.

***

I’m dying to see where this Georgiou thing goes. It doesn’t feel like a stretch to assume she got Cronenberg’d a couple weeks ago, probably to get her under the thumb of this century’s Section 31, and that her arc is going to take Michelle Yeoh off this show in a way that sets up the S31 show. But also, I don’t care so much whether I’m right, I just want to watch Michelle Yeoh—and Sonequa Martin-Green, and also David Cronenberg tbh, and bring back Shazad Latif while you’re at it—get wherever they’re going.

It’s also a fun and interesting direction to take the comically-evil comic relief character and show that her performative moustache-twirling is partly habit and partly a transparent emotional defence against very real fear and vulnerability. We’re all products of our circumstances, and a radical enough change in circumstances can afford almost anyone at least the opportunity to change. I can’t say Emperor Georgiou would have been my first choice of protagonist for that storyline, but it’s not like Michelle Yeoh’s not going to fuckin’ crush it.

***

Miscellany:

So the Burn had an origin point, and now that point is broadcasting a signal that’s somehow both a haunting melody that everyone seems to know—but no one can remember learning—and a Federation distress signal. What the fuck, y’all. I have full-body goosebumps just typing that.

Saru workshopping his own captainly catchphrase with the aid of Tilly’s extreme sincerity and organizational skills is probably the funniest thing that’s ever happened on this show—followed closely by the uncomfortably lingering reaction shots when he’s trying them out on the bridge 😂 (And omg please give Rhys and Bryce the dumbass buddy-comedy C-plots they deserve next season, I beg you.)

I would do a little “prop watch” entry on those Kwejianian(?) bolt-throwing rifles, but I’d have to stop drooling over them first. “Curvy polished hardwood” seems to be New Trek shorthand for “extra sleek and futuristic” (cf. the bridge of the USS Titan in the LwD finale), and I have to say: I am fully into it.

Restating my prediction that we will not see Detmer and Owosekun get together this season, because we will find out that they’ve been together for ages. Everyone knew—Pike even knew!—it just never came up in front of the audience before. That would be one of the cutest ways to do it imho, and one of the funniest too, especially as a meta-joke about how much character development didn’t happen in the first two seasons. (That said, if we get to see their first kiss, I will be screaming with incoherent joy for days, so this is a real win-win for me.)

Speaking of cute: IRL spouses Mary Wiseman and Noah Averbach-Katz, both Julliard-trained actors (it’s where they met!), can’t quite hide their chemistry in the scenes between Tilly and Ryn. I loved seeing Tilly be a hardass when Ryn was rude to the captain, but that sparkle in her eyes didn’t quite match the context <3

And speaking of people who are VERY OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE: that last scene with Book and Michael, and his nervous little “yeah, I said it” eyebrow lift, and her irrepressible giggle as she’s walking away... it was almost too much. Especially right after the queer-family scenes with Stamets and Culber and Adira. My poor heart is going through a lot lately, and I guess I’m just glad Season 3’s emotional intensity is melting it with soft sweet scenes like that instead of kicking it down repeated flights of stairs like Season 1.

***

Next week: everyone stops caring about the Burn and starts trying to solve an even more important mystery—why is this (holographic) dude wearing an early-2360s uniform with an early-2370s combadge?

[plasticnightmaredoll]

Some toys for "Godzilla vs Kong" have been leaked online, including toys of Mechagodzilla.

I have some thoughts to share but these are technically spoilers so, if you don't want to be exposed to such things, then don't look under the cut.

Let's cover Mechagodzilla first because he's probably the most anticipated Titan/Kaiju appearing in "Godzilla vs Kong" (besides the two eponymous characters). He does make an appearance in the official trailer twice but very briefly each time. We don't get a good look at him but we see enough to get a basic idea of what he probably looks like:

That looks like Godzilla but it's clearly has metal skin and some red glowing patches on the neck -- neither of which the real Godzilla has.

It's probably safe to assume that the robot on the screen is Mechagodzilla, maybe charging up to use his radioactive heat ray.

So, we can safely conclude that Mechagodzilla looks like....a Mecha Godzilla.

Shocking.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We have barely seen his face, and only have had a good look at his robotic feet on a computer screen. What does he truly look like?

There aren't any great-quality photos of the Mechagodzilla toys online so this is the best we have. But these photos do give us a much better idea of what he looks like. He has red, blocky dorsal "plates" on his back, and three-fingered crane claw hands. It's kind of creepy to look at because it looks more like a skeleton than anything else.

Which ties into my (absurd, I know but we are dealing with an extremely fictional universe anyway where these monsters could never exist as they are presented in the movies, and a giant fucking robot with the complexity Mechagodzilla is just not a feasible or technologically-attainable goal right now) theory that perhaps the Godzilla we see in the trailer isn't always the real Godzilla but Mechagodzilla wearing a synthetic skin. This is ridiculous, I know, but like I said: most of this fictional universe is.

It would be an excellent reference to Mechagodzilla's first appearance in the 1974 Toho film, "Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla," where Mechagodzilla shows up to destroys cities wearing a synthetic skin so he looks exactly like Godzilla (but sounds nothing like him so I have no clue why Japan actually though this was Godzilla in the film). The real Godzilla comes to the rescue, and Mechagodzilla's synthetic skin disappears (alien technology lol), revealing a robot.

Perhaps the skin from Ghidorah's severed head from 2019's "King of the Monsters" could be used to create a synthetic skin? I'm not a scientist, though, so I have no idea how plausible this is. But more on the Ghidorah head a bit later.

Anyway, so, we now have a good idea of what Mechagodzilla's body will look like in "Godzilla vs. Kong." What about his face?

SWEET JESUS WTF IS THAT?!

That, my friends, is a leaked photo of the Funko Pop Mechagodzilla and WTF IS GOING ON WITH HIS EYES? Maybe they will look less creepy in the movie, and they only look like this because the picture is low quality. But something tells me that Mechagodzilla's going to have freaky robot eyes.

So, "Godzilla vs. Kong" is a horror movie, confirmed.

But let’s go back to the Ghidorah head. We know the eco-terrorists from 2019′s “King of the Monsters” bought Ghidorah’s severed left head after the events of the film (how much did this thing cost????) I watched a video with a very plausible theory as to what will happen with this head in relation to Mechagodzilla.

In the video, the rumor is that the brain of the severed head of Ghidorah will be placed in Mechagodzilla’s head, and the Godzilla-like creature skeleton from the 2014 movie, “Godzilla,” will be used as part of the robot’s structure. Also, the Orca device technology see in the 2019 film will be placed in Mechagodzilla’s body, allowing him to control other Titans -- perhaps Godzilla himself and if it is the real Godzilla in the trailers, this could be why he’s behaving so aggressively. It sounds like a very logical scenario to me, and would explain the purpose of the eco-terrorists having bought the Ghidorah head. I mean, if that thing isn’t put to use in “Godzilla vs. Kong” then that post-credits scene was a waste of time.

Also, if this is true, then Mechagodzilla will be an enemy, which goes back to his debut in the 1974 movie. 

I will say that the eco-terrorists don’t fully understand what they’ve done because they have acquired the severed left head of Ghidorah. The left head is the dumb one, and is nicknamed “Kevin” for a reason. This could be the derpiest Mechagodzilla of all time!

Anyway, enough about Mechagodzilla and Kevin, and let’s discuss two other very interesting toys leaked online:

Mega Kong? Mega Godzilla? What is going on here?

Well, the theory for Mega Godzilla is that Kong (or even Mechagodzilla) destroys Godzilla’s dorsal fins in the movie, making it impossible for him to use his atomic breath until they regenerate -- which takes a long time. The humans give Godzilla an apparatus of sorts to help him out so he can continue to fight.

For me, it seems a little odd that he still HAS dorsal fins as Mega Godzilla, though, and I can’t see there being a way to regrow them that fast even with human technology. There is a rumor that Mechagodzilla’s atomic heat ray is much more dangerous than Godzilla’s atomic breath, and perhaps the apparatus on Godzilla’s back is used to enhance it and put him on even ground with his evil robot counterpart.

But what about Mega Kong?

I think it’s like this: Kong and Godzilla are badly injured and incapable of defeating Mechagodzilla on their own, or they are in good shape but aren’t powerful enough as they are to defeat Mechagodzilla. In either scenario, humans help Godzilla and Kong by giving them some enhancements, allowing them to be able to face off against the evil robot with less trouble. Godzilla gets something on his back to increase the power of his atomic breath and Kong is given something to enhance his physical strength by making him even more macular.

Or Old Man Godzilla gets an epic back brace and Kong gets Titan steroids so they can successfully defeat Mecha Kevinzilla.

[expression-in-its-essence]

The Goldfinch movie.

7 min 26 secs in : Why the fuck did they start the movie like that. Why didn't the explosion take place? Theo's mom's apartment? His anxiety? Also.. why do they keep cutting the scenes abruptly? They ain't tweets... No limit.. then??

8 min 2 sec in : Okay they went to the apartment. Audrey's sweater deserved more screen time. The lipstain on the mug in focus *chef's kiss* poetic cinema!

9 min 19 sec in : Do you see what I see? Tom Cable's face has a stark resemblance to Boris's face. Did Theo have a crush on him?

9 min 54 sec in : Mr Barbour's hand is shaking. I like that they put it in there. He was sick. Nice. (I'd imagined Audrey's apartment building entrance like they showed the Barbour's apartment building entrance. Wild.)

11 min 8 sec in : Don't shove it into his face that y'all are fancy okay? He's not used to that life style. He didn't have maids making his bed. ARE YOU GIVING HIM DRUGS, MRS BARBOUR? But you just glared at your husband for offering him the same sort of thing?? Oh God. Poor child. "it's perfectly understandable" my ass. You gave him meds just because your sleep was getting affected.

14 min 39 sec : Woah woah woah Theo wtf you're so smol how'd you do that? Also... Again. The frame of Theo and Tom standing close and Theo and Boris standing close when they kissed, Theo is wearing the same damn sweater.

16 min 58 sec in : Ayyyy Jeffery Wright!

20 min 33 sec in : "He drank a lot", Theo about his dad. Honey just wait up, you will too. (The grilled sandwich and the cute lil smile 😍 also this is the first time since the movie started that Oakes' voice isn't deep.)

23 min 54 sec in : Wizard of Oz poster, I see you!

24 min 19 sec in : I love how Oakes is expressing being caught off guard. Theo knows he did something bad and every time he's dealing with something he didn't expect to deal with, he's like OMG THEY KNOW ABOUT THE PAINTING AND IM FUCKED even if no one knows.

25 min 1 sec in : The glasses made a difference. He went from mature to cute. Angry bird to angry birb.

25 min 44 sec in : Another sweater? Or was this THE sweater of Audrey? (Off topic but Oakes is hella cute. I could murder anyone who hurts him.)

29 min 9 sec in : Pippa doesn't remember or doesn't wanna remember? There was something in her eyes that was hard to read. Also, why doesn't anyone say 'I'm sorry about your mom' to Theo? Do Americans not care? It's weird to see no response when he tells people that Audrey is dead.

31 min 17 sec in : "The Goldfinch, destroyed"? Then why is Theo upset. Good riddance. Oh yeah. I know why. It's Donna Tartt we're talking about.

32 min 39 sec in : Hobie just casually predicting the future. "It's only fake if you pass it on as an original". Theo's like, "noted, gonna do exactly that".

34 min 16 sec in : Why does Theo write like a five year old child? That's toddler handwriting! And omg all the Andy-prom-dress memes are making sense now. (Also did I mention that Mrs Barbour seems more selfish in the film than she does in the book. Like hey I'm putting up with this kid because he helps my kid. He's serving a purpose for me. What the hell.) (How old is Andy anyway? He looks younger than Theo. I think he's different. Didn't grow up like other kids. That was mentioned in the book right?)

35 min 20 sec in : Ayyy Hobie's earring!

35 min 49 sec in : He shopped for himself? Nice! Didn't know kids could shop without adult supervision in the West. (Because they can't in the East.)

35 min 50 sec in : Ayyyy Sarah Paulson! Damn she's hot. How can you dislike her? *heart eyes*

37 min 30 sec in : I can't bring myself to hate Luke Wilson since Skeleton Twins but SHUT THE FUCK UP LARRY! AUDREY DESERVED BETTER. Look at how Larry and Xandra are looking at the place like they're vultures.

39 min 34 sec : They got the airport scene right. STOP GIVING HIM DRUGS WTH IS WRONG WITH THE ADULTS IN THIS MOVIE!

41 min 12 sec in : Ayyy Popper!!!!!

43 min 27 sec in : It just dawned on Theo that he's alone. Oh god. My poor baby.

45 min 12 sec in : Let me take this moment to say that Ashleigh Cummings is pretty. And I finally get why y'all were pissed at the non linear storyline and the weird voiceovers. Guess I'd been prepared for that so it didn't really suck that much.

49 min 30 sec in : I'd imagined Boreo reunion like the Platt Theo reunion. In the day. Dang it. Also... Adult Platt Barbour was not supposed to be good looking? In the book?

55 min 34 sec in : Without context, none of it could make sense. Apologies to whoever didn't read the book beforehand. Crowley fucked this up.

58 min in : Ayyyy Finn Wolfhard! BORIS IS HERE AND IM SO EXCITED IDK WHY

1 hour in : It's such a Boris thing to leave the bag unzipped.

1 hour 3 min 20 sec in : Slumdog Millionaire's Jai Ho (2008) is playing in the background. The only song that I've recognized so far. Wow. Lets me know about the time setting. Nice.

1 hr 3 min in : Someone gif " That cost twenty dollars!" *Stare* "That would have cost twenty dollars!"

1 hr 8 min in : So Boris's room is exactly like I had imagined but Theo's room isn't. Boris just mentioned Kotku though.

1 hr 9 min 14 sec in : Isn't it hella hot in Vegas? Why are they wearing sweaters? Or does drug intake make you more vulnerable to the environment?

1 hr 10 min 15 sec in : Xandra Theo argument : gold. "Cocktail sausages that you like." I wanna laugh in Crowley's face. What was he thinking?? Omg I'm dying.

1 hr 11 min 17 sec in : The slap sound didn't work??

1 hr 13 min 53 sec in : I like serious Boris better.

1 hr 14 min in : The slum house Audrey dream thing was not in the book. That's an entirely new addition.

1 hr 18 min 26 sec in : The Welty Theo scene is awesome. The sound effects work. I feel suffocated. The ambulance noise fiasco is also nicely pulled off. (also Theo's Yellow bag was dirty af then how did it get all clean when he didn't even do anything to it?)

1 hr 20 min 57 sec in : Shhhh Potter.

1 hr 22 min in : Holy shit he got slapped twice!! Ouch! And Larry's audacity to tell Theo to stop with the crying?? Good thing he died. Asshole.

1 hr 25 min in : "You don't tell me a lot of things but that's okay". I see what you did there, Boris. Which was of course, I love you.

1 hr 26 min in : "Act normal" - Theo knows his way around drugs pretty well, doesn't he?

1 hr 30 min in : "No family No friends" line punched me in the face. (Also awww popchik's excuse was the last resort for Boris to make Theo stay.)

1 hr 31 min 17 sec in : That pause after "What do you have to tell me?". You can clearly see Boris struggling to hold something back. Which was of course, I love you.

1 hr 31 min 34 sec in : What the fuck is that music? Oh heyyyyyy they kissed!-- he fucking runs away?? Also what kind of a kangaroo runs like that? (Yes, the taxi driver watched. I don't have to wonder anymore.) (They didn't address why he took the bus instead of flying?)

1 hr 33 min in : I didn't imagine Welty's room like that at all. Also why doesn't Hobie seem happy to see Theo again?

1 hr 35 min in : Longer stretches of one storyline are kinda bearable. From drugs in storage unit to waking up beside Kitsey. We got Vegas and Young Theo. Nice. (Also, who the heck puts jewelry in shoes? Is Theo that dumb? And now I can't think of anything else than Boris piercing his ear for the emerald earring. Tumblr has fucked it up bad.)

1 hr 43 min in : They nailed the Kitsey Theo confrontation.

1 hr 44 min in : Ayyy Ozma of Oz!

1 hr 48 min in : I noticed it before but I wasn't sure... Now I am. Pippa has Welty's ring. On her finger. At all times. (also, is NYC always that noisy? Must suck to walk on the roads.)

1 hr 52 min 23 sec in : They nailed the Theo Pippa date. What's that song playing in the background? I want the name. It's almost like two hours and I still haven't seen Aneurin Barnard once. Why! (Jerome's mentioned in the movie btw.)

1 hr 52 min 51 sec in : Complained too soon. Boris is sat in the dark doing god knows what. My man Aneurin is here!

1 hr 53 min 37 sec in : BOREO REUNIONNNNNN - no don't look at me like that I only watched it thrice.

1 hr 56 min in : Boris saying "it's someone else" with a knowing look and Theo looking at him. The frickin yearning.

1 hr 57 min in : Boris is like you're unhappy, I'm here, we're both rich, let's f*ck. "We could"... What are you suggesting dude he's repressed!

1 hr 58 min in : "you unwrapped it and showed it to me." So many meanings. The heart, the love the soul... Wow. Good for you, screen play writers! ( It's kinda hilarious how Boris got mad at Theo for never quote unquote fucking opening it.)

2 hr 1 min in : I'm calling it. They're going to fuck up the Theo Hobie confrontation. They put it on the wrong time. And they also fucked up the text from the book.

2 hr 5 min 48 sec in : Even Platt is saving his sister's face. Also where did Todd go? Did he never grow up? I wish Mrs Barbour didn't use Theo like she did.

2 hr 7 min in : The frame where Boris is between Kitsey and Theo. Chef's kiss.

2 hr 10 min 54 sec in : *intense music playing* Boris put his leg up on the table and I burst into laughter THOSE ARE THE FAMOUS FUCK ME PUMPS.

2 hr 11 min in : AAAAA THE FOREHEAD TOUCH AAAAAAA (Theo just knows without looking that Boris is close enough to touch? Theo are you sure you don't feel feelings for him?)

2 hr 12 min in : Theo is so worried that I'm not sure if it's for Boris or for losing the painting again. Omg he just murdered a man. Oh god.

2 hr 14 min in : Theo is spiralling. In the movie they imply that Hobie played a part in him attempting suicide. So wrong. Poor Hobie. In the book that wasn't the case.

2 hr 15 min in : The transition of the Goldfinch into Audrey, wow. Also, is it the first time we're seeing her? The movie started so long ago that I've forgotten if I saw Theo and Audrey in the museum. Boris following right after Audrey? That's a subliminal message. Boris is here to rescue y'all.

2 hr 16 min in : No shit Boris is freaking out right now.

2 hr 17 min in : The diner scene. They're both crying. "Happy Christmas, Potter" - which was of course, I love you.

2 hr 18 min in : No don't you dare compare Audrey and Mrs Barbour. Audrey would never drug her child or use him for her benefit.

2 hr 20 min in : Poor kid bumps into his mom lol. I found it funny.

On the whole

The movie was nice if you'd read the book beforehand. The first hour was steak, The second hour was Korean BBQ and the rest of the twenty minutes were minced beef. If you get what I mean. Weird analogy. It could have been much better. But it was really very nice in some places. Most places I'd say.

I didn't like how the pop songs ruined the mood of certain moments. I didn't like how you couldn't hear the conversation over the music playing. For example in the engagement party when Platt and Theo talked. Or in the diner scene.

Both Borises killed the accent thing. They tried their best. Cut them some slack.

Oakes deserves an Oscar for holding up this movie on his smol shoulders. I was shook at how a kid could act that well.

Popchik deserved more screen time. I'm still pissed they didn't add the Popchik Boris reunion. But then they couldn't make it chronological, what were we supposed to expect anyway.

Ansel Elgort y'all. Theo sure improved his handwriting lol. Ansel's writing is nice. He was actually good in this movie. Better than he was in The Fault In Our Stars. The internet is just mean. The critics too. I will never understand the hate.

All in all, it could have been a better adaptation but it didn't suck as bad as everyone made it out to be. John Clownery should be punished nonetheless. Special shout-out to Roger Deakins for making it work.

[seenashwrite]

14.08 Round-Up

NOW THAT IS HOW YOU START AN EPISODE. Boom, baby.

(But, he ain't dead, we know he ain't dead, everybody pump your bonfire brakes.)

Mary doesn't answer, quelle shock.

You know, I appreciate it, but lumberjackin' now that the beard's retired? Hmmmph.

I... I agree with getting knee-walkin' drunk, I just... there's... there's a.... y'all got a corpse down yonder... this song is not what I would've chosen.

I dig the Overlook Hotel: Version Goo action. Hey somebody point me to the gifs of the dollar store Terminator rise from last week, will ya?

IT'S YA GIRL - I've made clear my love for Lily Sunder. I also love Alicia Witt. I happen to like this character actress, too, though. So. Okay. All right.

.

.

AND OUR EXPOSITION ANVIL WINNER IS DEAN! Thank you, writers. The "Then" covered it. The Kevin/Donatello part was necessary but chasing that first dog... woof.

Jesus wept, if you have to get this convoluted with your plot in order to fix past plot, and not-in-the-distant-past plot, I mean in-the-immediate-past plot, then YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT PLOT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Not without a streamlined plan. And this ain't streamlined.

Anubis [rolls eyes] Oh, fucking fine.

"Sorry long story" ---- Cas I love you, and hard. Lack of exposition makes me tingly in my no-no places. This almost makes up for the anvil.

Hello Kelly actress who is awesome and was underused but I'm told is being used quite well on that other show! Not gonna lie - I love that they're getting to meet, I do. Kelly's a good mom.

That's Leviathan goo, yo. And if it's not.... do they even canon? I get it's probs Empty goo. Still. That there's Leviathan goo.

SHE'S POSSESSED WHY IS SHE NOT FRIED IF YA BOY'S OVER THERE FRIED... Cas you trusting dumbass... I mean, if she ain’t possessed, then oh writers #bless 

Shut up, Naomi... "I thought you were old friends, nyah meh myah neeeeeuuuhhh"

Stop cutting your palms, TV people. Forearms.

That's excellent - that we decide. I dig it. Well played.

.

.

Spoke too soon - CONFETTI ANVILS FOR CAS! Naomi just said all this - was there not a smoother way to have this accomplished without it being back-to-back? A “Come on, I know why you’re here and where Jack is, I’ll explain when we get there” and then, y’know, explain it to all parties right then?

SHE'S YOUR “SHADOW” YA DUMBFUCKS [moments later] ::sigh::

Hey, why aren't we calling it The Entity anymore? That has a better, more ominous ring to it than "The Shadow". I mean, that's a literary term for such a character. So it's... redundant. And something a kid would call a spooky character, besides.

Man, I *really* like this actress, she has got the insidious psychopath thing doooooooown, holy moses, I'm a fan. I'm a big fan. They won't let her live, so we'll never see her again, which is a shame because-----HOLY SHIT THEY DIDN'T KILL HER.  I am legit grinning from ear-to-ear. They'll squander her. **whispers** Please don't squander her.

Wait, what deal did Cas make? That The Entity will get him sooner than planned? I missed it somehow. I think there was a little doggy drama at this point.

Aaaaaand of course they killed Lily. But I freaking love this. I kinda love Anubis now. I like the actor for sure.

"Say hello to your daughter for me" --- I honestly got tearful, be still my black heart.

What the shit is up with Naomi? How does she manage to keep on keepin' on? And Michael's in Dean's ascending colon, we've covered this, wherever Naomi - the supes trustworthy and totally successful at the shit she’s always tried to do [snort] Naomi - thinks he is, he’s not.

N-No.... no, Kaia found you. But semantics, shemantics.

Good ep.

[moments pass]

GARTH!

.

To wrap up, we need to talk writing for a second, feel free to tap out if you don't care.

But we gotta talk about this, because they're gonna have a major Chekov's Gun situation, here, if they don't do what I'm about to say:

The only way this could cohesively play out now------

and I ain't saying it will, because of Dabb and Singer and Buckleming, The Backwoods Brain Trust

------is that the Entity is the ace in the hole for defeating Michael.

Why, Nash? -- Glad you asked.

For those unfamiliar, Chekov said (and I'm paraphrasing) that if you make a point to describe a gun hanging on the wall in the room in the first chunk of your story, you must bring it up again, and it better be for a good reason, otherwise why the fuck did you bring it up in the first place?

So we must ask ourselves: What was the point of Jack losing his grace to Luci? I would submit so Lucifer wasn't really dead. Is that accurate? Remains to be seen. But for sure we now know that at least one part of the point was for him to get sick, and die, and be an excuse to get The Entity (I'm not calling it "The Shadow", see above, re: stupid) back on the field.

But what about the Kaia-super special wtf is it made of God's fossilized jizz spear thing, Nash? -- Glad you asked.

Welp, not really, because fuck if I know. I don't mind Kaia being in the mix, I already spoke on how much that rocked not just during the WS pilot but spoke of it again in the ep where she returned, that actress is phenomenal and the character's got a ton of potential.

What I'm getting at, is: if The Entity isn't somehow integral in the Michael arc - which is supposed to be the major arc of the season, despite us having spent, collectively, about forty-five minutes on him - then what in the hell was the point?

So if they're playing the long game like seasonal shows are supposed to, keeping things articulated like a nicely polished skeleton (it's a bump-in-the-night show, hence the choice of analogy #you love it), then that's the only connective thread that makes sense.

Oh, and they also better say that Lucifer targeted Nick and ordered Abraxas to kill his family to make him vulnerable. They pussed out by not making it that Nick killed his family. That would've been *chef's kiss*

There, I'm done. See ya next week!

[ralfstrashcan]

3x07 Reaction / Commentary

I'm commenting on the gory parts of this episode as well. There will be screen shots. Consider yourself warned.

What happened to Jace's Dramatic Coat?!

I liked their fight a lot, tho I felt like there were short pause moments were they just stared at each other significantly.

I broke out into completely inappropriate laughter at this, because, man, the way she falls down. Like a loaf of bread. That's not normal!

Only seconds later though the laughter died in my throat because what. When Jace looks down the edge of the building he sees this

and when Clary falls down she lands here

just what. That's not even remotely the same location and they moved like three inches from where Jace looked over the building during their fight. Are you serious.

May I ask where Clary's Anti-Broken-Neck-Rune is?

And you wonder why you're considered problematic? Probably because of your attitude. Just a guess tho.

............what. What. Did I understand that right? He makes Maia steal the blood from the Hunter's Moon which could easily loose her her job? And then bring it to him as if she's some delivery service? What the hell, Simon?! He can't even pick his stolen food up himself?! Yeah, wow. What an incredible dick move. But heyyyyyy look, it's provoking a Kyle-Maia-Confrontation so it was probably Plot Convenience?!

Wow that's the first thing I've heard from Simon in this Scene that I can wholeheartedly agree with. Sorry, I normally like Simon, but what is wrong with him.

Okay, that's a dirty lie, because in case she didn't fall down that building with her phone already in her hand (which she didn't) she must have somehow gotten it out and dialed Simon. So she could at least move her left hand. In that case, wouldn't it have been a smarter decision to get her stele and active her Healing Rune, which is at the side of her neck, so easily accessible?! Priorities, man.

Now would be a good time to get her stele instead of uselessly petting her hair, which, while certainly nice and reassuring is doing nothing against the excruciating pain she's feeling. Pri-or-i-ties.

Also, now that I think about it, shouldn't Magnus have been close behind her, probably following Jace as well? Why would she call Simon, who could be the other side of town when she knew for a fact that Magnus was, like, five meters away?

Wow, you look kinda smug and happy about that.

“So you've finally decided to tell the truth? Thanks for waiting til the most inconvenient and absolutely last moment to do that.”

That's it, that's the Show.

“No, that was a different wish. The one and only other wish is still unused.”

Wonderful Scene, wonderful acting, wonderful everything. I honestly expected him to go with a heartfelt Thank You, so seeing him actually hug Clary was even more powerful (and kinda reminiscent of 1x13, oh the good bad old times). But why were Magnus and Izzy so surprised? Especially Izzy should know how much Alec loves Jace, so why would he punish someone for saving him? Yeah, Clary broke The Rules big time, but does Izzy (and Magnus) actually expect Alec to chose The Rules over the life of his parabatai, or the life of any of his loved ones? Yes, Alec trusts and believes the System to a certain degree, but his family will always come first. If even I gathered that from watching the Show, then Izzy and Magnus, who live in the Show, should know that even more so. That's the only detail that I didn't like, I would have wished for them to maybe smile and look heart warmed instead of surprised. (And besides, even if Alec had decided to toss Clary in the Guard, it would be stupid to do it right away. She's a capable Shadowhunter with a personal tie to Jace, she could be useful in getting him back. Locking her up now, before they got Jace back, would be irrational and Alec isn't stupid ;) )

“Excuse you, dude, I was just chillin', havin' some downtime and enjoying my red wine, I don't think I'll interrupt that and get up now who do you think you are and anyway where's my gf.”

Damn, for a moment I hoped she'd pull her gun and be all 'Your pesky possession ain't a match for me, I'm a minor character with more skillzZ than your average background actor' so when she just answered “My mother” that hit me unexpected and hard. Poor Ollie. Also I think the fact that Lilith asks at all is a nice, subtle way to show that the mundanes aren't just a means to an end, I mean they are, but she doesn't disregard them as if they're nothing.

Important Questions:

1) Notice those candlestands in the background? Aren't those the same ones as in the Institute's courtyard?

Do they shop in the same decoration store I need answers!!

2) What do all the disciples eat, like, does Lilith order a giant family pizza or something every day?

I don't mean to be rude, but why isn't she bleeding out? That cut is clearly still open and leaking blood.

I fail to see how that second statement is a logical consequence of the first. Also, I guess this Greater Demon Cage Thing didn't make it into the field because Greater Demons are like, super rare and barely ever leave their home dimension. Wouldn't it be more practical do construct a Shax Demon Cage? Shadowhunter Lives could be so much easier. Just place all the Cages around the city, empty them every day, and chill the rest of the time. Shadowhunters should invest in that.

When I saw this moment in the Sneak Peak, ripped out of context, I thought he was talking about their fight and when it became clear he wasn't I was kinda disappointed.

I like to interpret the way Magnus is looking as one of those moments when you realize how amazing the person standing in front of you is.

At first I found it a little odd that Alec just didn't comment on this statement until I realized that it was because he'd do the exact same thing. Blowing-up-the-ground-you-stand-on-to-make-something-right doesn't seem to be an entirely Alec exclusive trait.

FINALLY A HUG IT'S ONLY BEEN  S E V E N  EPISODES

Also, notice this real handy groundplan on the wall? Very convenient when an enemy breaks into the Institute, he can immediately find the way to the place he wants to reach!

“I was wrong. I said things I shouldn't have.”

Is that a mistake in the Scene Execution because I think Alec accidentally said the lines that were designed for Magnus. (Am I bitter? Yes.)

Edit: After rewatching I can at least interpret Magnus's reaction to Alec's line

as contrition because he knows that he should have apologized instead of Alec.

Okay, good. Except no. This is the absolute flimsiest way there is to apologize, and I truly hope this isn't the resolution of the fight, because then I'll be seriously miffed. Like, would Magnus have apologized if Alec hadn't brought the topic up and apologized (entirely unnecessarily in my eyes) first? We'll never know, and honestly, I kinda doubt it. Magnus dealing-with-conflicts-behavior is something I have serious issues with, but I won't go off on a tangent about that now. At least that hug was satisfyingly lengthy... probably to make up for the previous SIX EPISODES without a hug.

Wtf it is clearly daytime outside. Also, rude. Maybe she was asleep?!

Damn where can I buy those earrings?!

Yeah those were my thoughts exactly.

First I thought 'you gotta be kidding me, she just told you she's scared of the ocean and you know her for ninety seconds, presumptuous much?!' but the fact that he walked away after she told him No mitigated it and put it back in okay-flirting-territory (I personally still wouldn't have liked it, but I wouldn't label it pushy per se, and Maia clearly thought it was an acceptable flirty thing to say, if her grin is any indication). Charlie could learn from him. (Except he can't because he's dumb.)

Whaaaaaat they burried him in Alicante? I thought they would put his skeleton somewhere in the City of Bones where all the disgraced Shadowhunters are? Or do I remember that wrong??

...............yeah well. That wasn't really impressive, since Jonathan's parentage wasn't a secret to begin with and she personally told him about it in 3x04. Maybe she has really low expectations of his memory??

SOMEBODY WRITE ME A FICLET ABOUT THIS PLEASE. (Seriously.)

I was amused by this, but I'm with Luke on this one.

lol did people report that to the police? “911, it's not an emergency, but I just saw a bunch of weird people walking down the street with vacant looks in their eyes... no, they weren't staring at their phones, that's why it was so weird.... hello? officer?” Seriously. Also, what were they doing loitering around the place instead of standing at attention in Lilith's weird altar lair? Seems like she didn't order those family pizzas after all and they had to fend for themselves. Yikes, Lilith.

What does that mean, 'inaudible'? Are you a vampire or not, Simon?!

You can say what you want about Shadowhunters, but this looks really picturesque.

I mean, the Stamina Rune I understand, but why is there an Awareness Rune on the wall? Is this wall extra aware of what's happening in Imogen's office? Is this advanced Clave Espionage Technique?? (FunFact: On first glance I thought it was a Nourishment Rune and that made even less sense lol.)

Did the Runes always glitter like that? If so I never noticed before. It's pretty.

The I'm-Seconds-before-a-Dramatic-Flashback-Face.

Sorry, but that is just dumb. I get that they're super elite, but their main goal is to help, right? So moving off a case you're not able to handle is like, logical? So this oath is kinda stupid if it forces you to stay in a position where you can't help and therefore elevate the risk of your Downworlder Charge screwing up? In what universe does that make sense?

Oh dear, Alec, I hope for all of your sakes that you have improved your diversion stall small talk technique since 3x02. I doubt Consul Penhallow has many antique pots displayed in her Office.

Okay, it made sense that he'd talk about the position from 3x01 and I'm really glad she already offered it to someone else, because for a second there I was scared that now he'd have to move to Idris, and all to cover up a theft.

I know it's not funny, but I laughed out loud at that. That sassy hand flick. This is exactly how blaming yourself works – against all reason and logic.

Gratuitous Catarina Cameo is much appreciated. Also I think it amusing – though a little weird – that warlocks have a really strange relation to age, like, a 40 year old warlock is almost a kid, while you'd probably say a 40 year old Mundane or Werwolf should be able to handle himself easily (and a 40 year old Shadowhunter is already antique).

...............so you mean to tell me they're just now tracking one of the possessed by scent? Why the hell didn't they already do that with the first one, that Tim Patrick Dempsey guy? Because they knew where he lived (and that he passed by his home in possessed state, to complete his sacrifice), and they probably could have easily obtained some laundry to help referencing his scent.

Wow, Luke, you're thinking of this real early. Clearly your plan to take Simon along was well thought-out, since you seem to know so much about the mark on his forehead.

I mean, technically not because the possession changed their cells from human to demonic but..... okay, I'm shutting up.

You should have that on a T-Shirt, Simon.

Okay, so I get that at some point Simon had to learn that Luke was behind that whole Praetor Thing, but, Timing. Why would they start conversationally talking about that when they're three feet away from entering the Lion's Lilith's den? Srsly.

“I had a guy helping me figure it out. He was like my supernatural life coach.” “Help? All they've done was drop a bomb on the best thing I've going for me right now. [...] They sent Maia's scumbag ex.” Okay, maybe I'm stupid and just don't get it, but if Simon's not referring to Kyle with his first statement then I really have no idea who else he could be talking about. And if he is talking about Kyle in both his statements..... whiplash much? Dude, could you stick to one opinion for more than five seconds? What the hell?

“Having Flashbacks. Severe Case, already the second Attack in under half an hour.”

Okay, so I guess this Flashback is designed to make me hate Kyle, but it doesn't. First off, I don't really understand where their future planning conflict even is because it's not like they were gonna move to Fiji in the next five days, the fact that Kyle said he'd work his ass (arse, sorry) off to make it happen means that they still need a lot of money to make it happen. So Maia can make her degree in the time he needs to get that money, right? And with a degree like hers Fiji probably isn't the badest place to find work? And even if Maia thought Fiji was just a dream this is clearly important to Kyle and she doesn't seem to hate the idea itself, she just thought it wasn't in the realm of possibility. She said she wants a life 'here, where she can go to school' so the way I see it her priority is the education and not Jersey itself. If they'd postponed the Fiji plans until after her graduation this could have easily worked.

Second off, Kyle losing his shit was because of the first effects of the bite. This is in no way an excuse for his yelling, but it's an explanation, implying that he doesn't normally act so douche-y. And Kyle did apologize immediately after (tho in my personal opinion he could have apologized a li'l more enthusiastic.) Also, friendly reminder that Simon didn't go to see a doctor after he drank from Camille's blood and had some seriously unsettling side effects. And Kyle was 'just' having mood swings while Simon was having hallucinations, so. Out of the two of them Simon had a more solid reason to see a doctor. My point: I don't think Kyle can be faulted for not seeing a doctor... besides, I don't think a Mundane Doctor could have helped him / recognized that he was turned into a werewolf anyway. (I'm just assuming that he hasn't turned yet since it's been weeks, not a month since he's received the scratch.)

The one thing I'll concede is that it's totally not Kyle's call if Maia goes to the college or not. Like, what even. Tho the way Maia reacts makes it pretty clear to me that she doesn't even think he actually means that, that he could dictate what she does with her life. She doesn't react to his statement at all and is more focused on what brought on this outburst. The way I see it she sensed that he is somehow out of his mind because in his right mind he would never say or think something like that. So instead of getting worked up about something she knows will be irrelevant in the end anyway she tries to get to the bottom of the real problem. Sidenote: Even without that whole werewolf bite business going on... Maia just more or less said to Kyle's face that his life plan for the future is a foolish fantasy. I can't imagine anybody would be pleased to hear that. Again, this is not an excuse for his behavior but an explanation, to make sense of why he snaps.

Why did she order those Spring Rolls if she didn't wanna eat them?

Did you mean: Hermione?

HOW?! And why are Shadowhunter Security Systems so ridiculously easy to hack? First Imogen, then Jonathan, then Raj, now Izzy.... it's getting ridiculous. Like the dungeons in Merlin. Everybody escapes them.

Also, I totally feel cheated out of the Alec-Penhallow-Interaction. Like, for Clary and Izzy there obviously passed some time, a few hours at least if the lightning is to be believed. What did Alec do that whole time? Stand awkwardly in the hallway with her and her lackey?

Which opportunity if he came to Alicante specifically to do this.

...........................you mean like the totally random spontaneous totally unmonitored visit Jace and Clary paid that same Cemetery in 3x01. You have got to be kidding me. (Edit: I honestly thought she was bullshitting to buy time and wondered why she would go with something so ridiculous, but later events show that she actually wasn't, because why else would Jace take her finger? As a souvenir?)

Okay, so Imogen is a good liar, but subtlety isn't her strong suit. Srsly, the way she was oogling that weapons rack.

WTF did I just watch?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!?1ß1ßß139ß40utaoiöesjfm

Ah okay, those Scanners. But a) how did Jace know about those if he just arrived at Alicante and the other NY Shadowhunters had to specifically be told about them b) why the hell is the Cemetery of the Disgraced a “high-risk area in the city” because what valuables do they keep there that it's high risk and also the Cemetery is clearly outside the city, remember 3x01 and c) who the hell would use a left thumb for scanning purposes?!

Also that knive

is way too short to be sticking out of her back like that

especially considering the angle.

And this could have been avoided so easily. There were two sufficiently long swords displayed literally three inches above that short knife.

*sigh*

Oh c'mon. She had her stele in her hand. Couldn't she have activated her Healing Rune before drawing that other Weird Rune (that I couldn't identify, sadly)? She didn't even try to save herself.

Okay, so it was to create a fire message.... but last time I checked (3x06, literally one freakin' episode ago) you had to write something down before you could send a fire message. And before you say Magnus is a Warlock and it could be different for Shadowhunters, Izzy did, too, in 1x06. Also, sorry Imogen, but whatever you drew there

wasn't a Heat Rune.

Not even half of it, not even close.

Btw, trust Shadowhunters to have a Heat Rune so elaborate and intricate that it's probably faster to just write a text.

Still, I won't be bitter about all of this BECAUSE

I CAUGHT A WALL WITH A FREAKIN' NOURISHMENT RUNE HAHAHA WHAT EVEN

That's a really nice lamp.

Seriously? Splitting up? *sigh*

Also, where are all the disciples? Ah, right, wandering the street with vacant looks in their eyes, searching for the family pizza Lilith won't buy them.

................................he's a werewolf. With a nose. And he's a cop. Shouldn't he know better than to touch suspicious and unsanitary fluids in a creepy altar? *sigh*

One of the disciples came back, forgot his wallet.

Also, I get the whole It-cracks-behind-you,-you-turn-around-but-there's-nothing,-and-when-you-turn-around-again-there's-something-there, but it really makes no sense when you think about it. Still, that's like such a common cliché that I won't judge.

..............I thought you were the bodyguard. With what exactly do you need help, Simon?

I'll never understand why you'd try to argue with someone obviously possessed. I just don't get it. Where is the point.

Do I have to understand why those two disciples suddenly vaporized? Because I don't.

Lilith's screaming skillzZ tho.

But why didn't she notice Luke's presence earlier when he was splashing away at her bloody altar?

Also, nice setback, because now she'll need two new disciples to get her full set of 33. Assuming she can't use those weird disciple-shards, of course.

And there's the back of the T-Shirt.. Yeah, Gratuitous Sherlock Quote, whatever. That just sort of happened. (See what I did there?????????ßßßßß)

I won't comment on that nonsensical perfectly rectangular shape because that, too, is such a common cliché ..................and now I did comment on it, oopsie.

Okay, very impressive display with the cage, but they actually rammed only three column tent peg thingies into the ground.

Btw how did Clary, Alec and Izzy get into the Cemetery without Herondale's thumb? Did Jace leave the door open? *sigh*

Your fancy ass shirt isn't, tho. (Seriously, that pattern. So pretty.)

Also, why don't those tent peg thingies fall to the floor? They had to dramatically ram them into the earth to keep them upright and Clary clearly didn't send a layer of earthen soil with them through the portal. (Thankfully, imagine what it would have done to that carpet! Horrible thought!)

NAKED

haha sorry. Still, considering that she must have seen his wolf form up close and personal that question is a little redundant, right?

So Kyle was a stalkerish ex, that is a very valid reason to hate him. Tho there's one thing I don't understand. They've been broken up for weeks* and he still didn't have himself under control....... why? Because Simon needed like three days to get himself under control and the vampire blood lust is stronger than werewolf temper right? And I'll concede that Simon had help, but that help consisted of Raphael who kicked him out after a few hours because he was frustrated and Luke caringly ordering him a rare steak and pouring blood in a cup. So. My point is, getting excessive emotions under control shouldn't be that hard, especially because emotions are something you are used to dealing if you are a sentient being and alive. The urge to attack people and drink their blood isn't. If Simon could manage that in a very short amount of time I don't understand why Kyle couldn't. It can't be for lack of trying because obviously he wanted Maia back and he knew he couldn't have that as long as he wasn't in control of himself.

*So did I understand that correctly that in that earlier flashback Kyle did already know that he was a werewolf? If so, I would have liked to see them break up, because why did that happen? It sounds like Maia broke up. Kyle not confiding in her could have been part of it but honestly she doesn't seem to me to be the kind of person that would leave her boyfriend when he was obviously struggling with something, even if he has a hard time telling her. Of course it could be that Kyle was constantly acting like a dick, mood swings and all, that she eventually got tired of it but that's just speculation from my side. Again, if she was suspecting there was a hidden cause for that and he didn't just transform into a douchebag I can't really believe she'd let it go.

I really liked the fact that it was specifically stated that the fact that Kyle turned Maia wasn't why she was angry, but the way he behaved afterwards. That too is a perfectly valid reason for her to be angry and in my opinion she can hold onto that anger and hurt forever, that would be entirely justified. Still, I think it's a little unfair of her to claim he's abandoning Simon now, because a) he was sending another Praetor in and b) if Simon now hates Kyle's guts it's questionable how much help he'll be able to provide for Simon and c) shouldn't that be Simon's choice?

“It's great that you found a way of redemption for you but if you're here to ask my forgiveness that's not something I can do.” I understand why she explicitly says that Kyle can't have her forgiveness, but I honestly thought it was a little unnecessary. He wasn't asking her for forgiveness. The way he acts and talks make it clear that he doesn't think he deserves her forgiveness. On the other hand the way she talked about him joining the Praetor made him sound like a self-pitying, self-serving a-hole and I think she's misjudging him there.

Yeah, I really didn't get the impression he was expecting that. Or that he was leaving because Maia can't forgive him. *sigh* Kyle obviously made some grave mistakes, but the way Maia is picking on him where it's not really warranted makes me sympathetic, I'll be honest.

Wow, who moved Jonathan to this new, cool display vitrine???

“They didn't get their pizza dose in time. They starved.”

How can you possibly have so much knowledge on something that's never ever been there before? I didn't get it before and I'm not getting it now.

OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HILARIOUS I CAN'T

IZZY THINKS SO TOO

I just imagined Malec Domestic Life with Jace trapped in their living room. Like, he'd be awkwardly third wheeling while they have breakfast and make scathing comments while they watch TV.....

I honestly thought she was gonna attack her guards and flee.

This wall just has a lot of Love to give, okay?!

(Gif Source, Heat Rune Source)

[angelearnshaw]

THOR: RAGNAROK- THE PERFECT ENDING

I know most of you have probably seen Thor: Ragnarok by now, but for those of you that haven’t, you should probably go see it while you still can!

I have to say, this is by far, the best Thor movie I’ve seen. And if it happens to be the last, well, I don’t mind (brb crying in a corner). But really. If this is the last Thor movie, it would serve as the perfect ending to the franchise.

I have always been a fan of Thor. No, it’s not because of Chris Hemsworth’s drool- worthy everything. It might be partly because of Tom Hiddleston, but mostly, mostly, it was actually my love for mythologies that made me appreciate it. As a lover of literature, mythologies have always been my favourite. And there’s so little about Norse mythology, that I was glad it got a chance to be made into such a spectacular, phenomenal movie, starring such talented actors.

With that being said, let’s delve into everything there is to love and look forward to when it comes to Thor.

(Warning: as always, spoilers ahead)

1. THE HUMOR

I did read an article stating that Tom Hiddleston admitted this would be the funniest Thor ever (I am using a lot of superlatives, I know. It’s just that great!)

And well, he wasn’t lying.

See, Chris Hemsworth is this unfairly, annoyingly perfect human being. I mean, he looks like a god, he can act, he can sing, he is a great dad to his kids, and it turns out, he can be funny. Countless interviews and even that little segment he did where Thor was taking a break with Darryl (see youtube video here, if you haven’t already: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_mizUMlvUc)

So yeah, the beginning of the movie already had me laughing. (*spoiler content*) Thor was trapped in a cage talking to a skeleton I was like “wtf?” But what did it for me was when he was being interrogated by that fiery dude (don’t know how to spell his name) and he was swinging on the chain Oh.My.God. You would have to have watched it to understand.

The chain was rotating him around and every time he had his back to the evil dude, he would be like “Hold on.” And “I swear to God, I’m not doing this. It’s doing this on its own.” And it turns out, a lot of it was improvised. So bless you, Chris Hemsworth for your near perfection and humor.

 Of course, Tom Hiddleston also had his funny moments. One was when he was kidnapped by the great wizard, Dr. Strange. When he came out of the portal, he was like, “I’ve been falling for thirty minutes!” And I’m sure we’ve all seen the clip where Hela goes “Kneel.” And Loki is just like, “who dafuq does this bitch thinks she is? That’s my line!”

Also, ALSO! When Hulk comes out- Loki’s reaction is just pricless- omfg! You guys, you have got to love Tom Hiddleston for all the sass and attitude and facial expressions he can fit in Loki’s character.

2. THE CAST

Thor brings back familiar faces like Loki, Heimdall and *surprise, surprise* Odin. We even get a scene of Volstagg and Fandral there. But, we also have a slew of new characters. One, being Surtur (big, fiery dude I was talking about.) We also have big, bad Hela. And of course, Valkyrie.

Before we talk about the new characters, let’s talk about the old ones.

Loki. Loki. Loki. He has got to be my most favourite villain of all time. At the beginning of the movie, he is living it up as Odin and even builds a statue of himself. Of course, Thor (even though he isn’t the smartest Avenger) eventually figures it out. They have a somewhat happy reunion, before Thor asks for Odin.

Odin has been on Earth for some time, stripped of his power. He ends up in Norway (big nod to Norse mythology right there) and ends up dying in a sprinkle of golden little lights. Before he dies, he is somewhat able to explain about Hela ( who we’ll talk about later). But Odin, being Odin, he doesn’t stay dead and still appears to Thor in somewhat weird and creepy visions, and he’s sassy too. He goes like “Are you the god of hammers?” Well, excuse you All Father

Volstagg and Fandral. This is the part I do not like of the film. They were such lovable, lovable characters and Hela killed them without blinking. Like wtf? They survived this long only to die like that? WHY MARVEL? WHYYYYY. I mean, Pietro’s death is still fresh!!!

Heimdall. Our watcher has turned into some sort of Asgardian vigilante. He’s running from the law after what he did in Thor: The Dark World, but he also keeps the citizens of Asgard safe while Loki and Thor are stuck on the other side of the universe. Good job, Heimdall! You deserve a raise.

And now *drum roll*

THE BIG BAD. Hela. She is this combination of deadly (ugh duh goddess of death), jealous and powerful. Not really great for Thor, whose hammer is also destroyed by her. And to top it all off, she is the first born, not him. Ouch. Talk about living a lie. See, Cate Blanchett does a great job of playing this death goddess who revels in destruction and killing, but I think it’s the way that Hela is written that doesn’t really do it for me. She’s just so full of hate and wants to take over the nine realms. She is evil to the core, and so, there’s not much going on besides her being a powerful enemy. Sadly, compared to Loki and other villains, her character falls flat. I mean, even Ultron- who was a robot- had some twisted reasoning to all his evilness. At least she had a dog. I want one. All that aside, Cate Blanchett is still gorgeous and talented and I love her!

Valkyrie. I was impressed with her fighting skills, and even though she was drunk, she still won. Way to go, girl! She also feels a lot like a female Thor to me, and maybe that’s why they’ll end up together? I don’t know, but I think that’s where Marvel’s heading with these two, especially since Thor and Jane broke up. (Ikr! Just like that?! After everything that happened in The Dark World?) Still, in the comics, they did get together at times, so it’s not that surprising if the writers go there.

Surtur. Big, bad fiery dude. And when I say big, I do mean big. He is prophesised to destroy Asgard and bring about Ragnarok, when he grows to be as big as a mountain. See, but I’m not telling you if he succeeds. That, you’ll have to see in the movie.

3. THE BROMANCE IS REAL

The thing I’ve always loved about Thor movies is the relationship between Loki and Thor. It’s so real and raw and funny. They really capture how siblings act irl. At least, that’s how me and my brother are. I just assume most people can relate. I love how Thor has finally, finally learned, that Loki will always try to get the best of him. I also love how Loki will come to his brother’s aid no matter their differences. In the end of the movie, when Thor is sitting in his “throne”, I’m happy to see Loki standing there beside him. And that scene in the room! Where Thor was like “If you were here, I might actually give you a hug” and Loki catches whatever Thor throws at him because he is there! WAHHHH MY FANGIRL HEART

4. THOR’S TRUE POWER

Even though Odin could’ve put it nicely instead of being like “Are you the god of hammers?” (see now, I know where Loki gets all his sass from. It wasn’t spending all that time with Frigga) It’s true that Thor’s power doesn’t come from the hammer. Still, Mjolnir was a character all on it’s own. I’m gonna miss that hammer. My most favourite parts of the movie were when Thor used his powers without the hammer. It was so cool seeing his eyes go all blue and lightning just zapping off his body. His fight scene with the Hulk was e.p.i.c. EPIC. 

He would’ve won if it wasn’t for that cheating Grandmaster! Seriously, dude? And then Thor also zaps Hela with a hella big blast and she flies out the window. DAMN. DAMN BRO. Thor kicks ass without that hammer. I wonder if it’ll be like that in Infinity Wars and what the reactions of his fellow Avengers might be. *insert smirk*

 There were other great parts of the movie- the other gladiators wanting a revolution, Korg (omg Korg, I love him. And the fact that he is voiced by the director makes it even funnier). And the end credits! Goosebumps! I love Thor. I really wish this wasn’t the last movie. But right now, I’m really, reallyyyy looking forward to Infinity Wars.

[crypticdata]

Oh I will absolutely word vomit about this bud-

Simple jist is The Antarctic Empire is all fine and chill, vibing if you will. Phil had retired centuries ago bc the people would've noticed some random blond dude just Not Aging

(Techno's not with him anymore we'll get to that)

The empire is huge, massive

But theres this... Wasteland to the North

Some remnents of settlements that were in ruins even before Phil & Techno created the Empire

Phil, being a free bird now since he pawned off the empire to the enxy generations (with some careful examination to see i they weren't shitheads ofc), decided "hey cool spooky area let's see what it is :D"

And he looks thru a series of caves first

It's clearly been used as homes for people before, but everything's either moldy or just breaking apart or looted already

There's some skeletons here and there and the usual bats and those random eyes in the darkness peering at him and-

Wait

So yeah this shadow creatures hisses at Phil like a feral cat and dude just pspspsps's it to get near him

Feral Shadow Cat's name is Pogtopia

The settlements name was also Pogtopia

Phil is confused and also slightly concerned on wtf that means

Pogtopia is a very paranoid lil thing and Phil has to be careful to announce his presence otherwise the thing bolts

Eventually Pogtopia likes him, and ten takes him to meet Logstedshire

Which is another Feral Shadow Cat

Except this one very much bites first and asks questions later

(Phil still feels the indents on his arm)

Logstedshire is also the name of the small seaside village that experienced an unnamed disaster that blew it to kingdom come

There seems to be a running theme here

Log and Pog seem to really like Phil after a while and start having seperation anxiety when he leaves (bc he's a free bird)

I mean, when you don't have any social interaction besides each other, life tends to get boring yknow

Enter: Syndicate. An amnesic Time Traveller.

Phil remembers them as the stable lad that would feed the horses during war time

They don't know where they are and he's kinda lost about everything but Log seems to like him and Pog seems to like fucking with him so-

They're a-ok in Phil's book

AND THE TECHNO SHOWS BACK UP

literally he just appears out of nowhere and scares the shit out of Log

With a short brunet trying to choke him

"yeah that's snowchester"

Turns out Technos an illegal (they can be illegal??) dimension traveller

Phil isn't even surprised anymore

Snowchester is part of the agency in charge of tracking down techno

(he just got sick and tired of doing the fucking paperwork. Do you realize how much paperwork illegal dimension travelling has??? Why is HE the one that has to do it??)

So now we has a immortal, 2 dimension travellers, a (still) amnesiac time traveler, and 2 Void dwellers

Maybe Phil should've stuck with leading the Empire actually

(Kristin's laughing her ass off he knows it)

"You need a name." Phil taps the shadow creature's forehead. Pogtopia blinks. "I don't need a name, i already have one!" "Pogtopia isn't a name, mate." "It matches with Log!" Logstedshire perks up from where the little creature was batting at his void-kin's tail, purring in satisfaction. Brothers, Phil thinks, with fond exasperation. both of them.

[ninjakitty15]

Chapter 8: Fear The Reaper (Loki X OFC Pairing)

To say Loki was a complicated demi god, would be more of an understatement than saying Tony Stark is a decent techie or engineer. He had more facets than the world's most perfectly cut diamond and more layers than an ogre made of onions. Lucky for me, the first few layers were just leather and metal and some really fancy fabric from a destroyed planet/realm. He wasn't kidding about the not sharing part either, in that he became not so much overly possessive per say but he was prepared to let the multiverse know no one could have me but him. Case and point, propping himself up and over me, an arm on either side of my head almost as if he was using himself to keep me in and others out. There was also love bites in several very visible spots I didn't have the heart to tell him would heal before I would leave the bedroom we ended up in. He paused between kisses he stole from me to watch me intently below him and lifted one hand up to cup my face, tilting a bit so his eyes met my heavily lidded ones. "No matter how much death comes for me, I still want more."

I chuckled at his blatant pun. "We could keep going but I think at some point you'd be pegged a necrophiliac."

"Isn't that how most people want to go out, death by violently passionate love?" he purred. "Am I too much for you then, love?"

I snickered at the challenge. "Heavens to murgatroid no, not a bad way to go though, you're right on that."

"Then pray tell, why the pause? You shouldn't be thinking as hard as I feel right now."

"I'd have more energy if certain polarities were reversed."

It was his turn to pause then as he was trying to figure out what I was getting at. "My magic is making you more mortal than necessary, but wouldn't changing that make you numb again?"

"I told you I can still feel extremes normally, not when you're switching me back to life."

"Why do I feel like there's another reason you want to do that?"

Damn him and his clever mischievous natural scheming detector. "What other reason could there be?"

"Why don't you tell me?" he dropped his head to bury itself in my neck, finding the sweet spot and sucking, nipping on it till I squirmed under him.

"I've had you as an Asgardian god, now I wanna try a Frost Giant."

"Ever the curious creature you are. You sure you want this, the effects could be dangerous."

"What? Like frostbite? That's just flesh dying of the cold, I'm already dead, no biggie. Stop asking if I'm sure, you glorified smurf." And suddenly emeralds turned to glittering rubies and the room became much cooler. I reached up with both hands and pulled his head to mine, kissing him passionately, the cold never bothered me anyway.

"You two are worse than bunnies," Tony commented much later while we were all in one of his meeting rooms for the next mission.

"Says the man that used to take a different woman home every other night," Loki quipped.

"We'd be worse than bunnies if I was prego right now but literally nothing is alive in me so your argument is invalid," I told Tony. "Bunnies aren't that great to begin with anyway, oh sure they look all cute and fuzzy but they poop everywhere, aren't great housepets and die quite easy in extreme tempts which is unfortunately the kind of temps New England is known for. Great waste of fluff and space bunnies."

Everyone in the meeting room turned to me then with different expressions but the same basic principle of "wtf" about my little rant.

"What kind of pets do you like then?" asked Clint.

"Cats. Mostly self sufficient, don't need to be constantly cared for, don't hog the bed when they want cuddles, what more can you want in a pet. Anyway, why are we all here? You interrupted my naptime."

"Spoken like a true cat person," mused Tony. "Seems there's some undead activity nearby that requires our attention."

"Don't look at me, they only come when I ask."

"Which means that there's another necromancer around that's not playing by the rules you do."

"Well you know how it is, suddenly you have the power to raise an army and it gets to your head. In an unrelated story, beheading works best in stopping power hungry necromancers."

"Does shooting the head work the same or do we have to actually separate the skull from the body?" asked Steve.

"Afraid to get a little messy, Steve-o? You're dealing with monsters here, you're gonna get messy or you're next."

"Did you just threaten Captain America?" asked Tony in mock shock. "I'm liking you more and more."

I smirked. "Depending on the level of power they have, even the most lethal of shots or slashes can heal if its clean. Loki, a dagger please?" Loki straightened an arm and one slid out of his sleeve and into an open palm which he then handed to me almost uncertainly. I took the blade and slid it against my wrist as an example. For a moment blackened blood oozes out of the cut before it sealed itself back up and the blood was absorbed back into my body. "If clean wounds are all you know, I strongly suggest any number of horror films with gore and violence warnings on the rating for ideas."

"I'm sorry I'm slightly confused here, earlier you were telling us how there's so few of you guys left yet here you are telling us how to cut you down more..." Clint spoke up.

"There's two types of necromancers, those that do their job and those that steal from the honeypot, I don't care about the latter, they disrupt the natural order we're meant to abide by. If that means we reach white rhino status, then so be it, I can live with that."

"Remind us again what white rhino status means?" asked Steve.

"You can count how many of those beasties are in existence today on one hand and still have a few free fingers, they've been hunted by poachers for their horn to near extinction and the few left are now under armed guards to ensure that doesn't happen."

"I've got a question about dead animals," Tony spoke up. "Have you tried raising them?"

"They've been on this planet a lot longer than we have and we cause them enough grief destroying it and them along with it, I leave them alone as they deserve to rest more than we do."

"What about dinosaurs, think of what you could do with your own T-rex," Clint noted.

"Ok firstly there's an entire franchise of movies explaining exactly why it's a terrible idea to resurrect dinosaurs, i mean their name even means terrible lizard. Secondly there wouldn't be much left of them to resurrect, they're millions of years old and there's a reason we only see casts and not the actual bones of them. They're brittle as fuck, the actual bones are kept in a temperature controlled vault in a basement somewhere. Sure, it would look cool as hell having an army of angry monster skeletons behind you but the second they get close to the enemy, they're literally dust. Nice try though."

"So just stick to humans then," Tony noted.

"Fuck yeah."

"So you couldn't resurrect someone old enough, say George Washington?" Clint asked.

"Putting aside the fact that every single person that knows about him or seen his portraits remembers him as a stiff stoic and heroic first president and bringing back a grinning corpse because if there's anything left of him still hanging around its gonna be bones and tattered clothes aka nightmare fuel. It also takes a lot more effort to bring back moldy oldies because not only would they have probably been at peace in their final resting place a lot longer and don't wanna go back to the fucked up world we made it in their absence, theres a lot more effort in putting them together before they rise. Any other erroneous questions and misconceptions?"

"I've got one," Tony piped up. "You've said you only feel extremes most of the time and I'm curious, can you taste pain too? I'm convinced you're actually Liv Moore under an alias."

"She couldn't control other zombies, just support and help them survive the human population that didn't like them. I could stomach a lot of spices when I was still human I think, so I can only assume I'd be ok now, why?"

"Ever had a Carolina Reaper?"

"You've been dying to challenge someone on that haven't you, pun intended."

"What's a Carolina Reaper?" Loki murmured beside me.

"One of the most painfully edible things ever bred," Clint answered for me.

"If it's so painful, why eat it then, food's meant to be enjoyed."

"Some people don't taste the pain, they taste the spice, the heat and that's what they want. So I highly recommend you don't try what I'm about to do. Tony, I accept your challenge...I'd smack you with a gauntlet but this is the 21st century," I replied.

"Why shouldn't I try this reaper, I'm a god you dead creature."

"God or not, you are a Frost Giant and this food is barely edible fire, you will be one of the reasons it's called a reaper and I'm not sure I want to bring you back to life, I only ever resurrect mortals." Tony handed me one of the bright red peppers, a whole one, not something seasoned with a reaper, not a slice, a whole fucking pepper. I took it carefully, touching as little as possible in the event I needed to rub my eyes after this ordeal and examined it curiously. "Well, it was nice knowing you all, Loki, if I don't make it back, avenge me, you have my blessing." I looked Tony in the eyes and took all but the stem and leaves in my mouth before biting down.

"How exactly does this pepper kill someone though?" Loki asked while watching me.

"The spiciness irritates the inside of your mouth so much that it inflames it, causing you to choke and suffocate essentially while you're sweating like you've run a marathon through hell so not only are you essentially becoming dehydrated but you're oxygen is cut off," explained Tony.

I chewed the evil pepper and all at once it was like eating a piece of hell itself, my entire body felt like it was on fire, not just my mouth and I had to shut my eyes to swallow like a frog, my whole body going stiff from the pain, and slammed a fist down on the meeting table before finally getting rid of it in my stomach. "That's a spicy meatball-a," I stated in a horrible Italian accent. "Anyone else wanna try food from hell? Where's Thor, he's always up for doing stupid shit like this."

Loki snorted unceremoniously. "Off playing hero somewhere or making sure his people don't get into more trouble than he does, no doubt. Give me one."

"You can try a slice of Jalapeno before you play with the big guns."

"Are you actually denying the god of mischief some fun?" Clint asked me.

It was my turn to snort. "I've given him more fun in bed than he'd find from anyone else on this planet, what I'm doing is making sure he doesn't die from a dumb challenge. The only thing missing from this redneck fun is someone saying hold my beer."

"That's because my brother is elsewhere," replied Loki. "I'll have your Holopino."

Tony disappeared to the nearest kitchen and then returned with chips and Jalapeno dip with actual slices mixed into the cheesy goodness. "You're not lactose intolerant are you?"

"I highly doubt that's actual cheese and not the processed american cheese most cheese dips here are made of," I noted.

Loki took a chip and pretty much coated the entire piece in the dip then shoved it in his mouth all at once. He didn't break out in a sweat like most weak stomached people would but then maybe Frost Giants don't do that, he also didn't choke or spit it out and managed to swallow the whole thing without complaint though he was a master of lies for a reason, his poker face was second to none. "On the scale of pain, where is the Holopino?"

"It's one of the least spicy peppers this planet has though still pretty spicy. The seeds of any spicy pepper though are what you want to avoid more than the flesh or juice though you don't want the juice either as that shit can get anywhere, people have gone blind because they got the juice on their hands, didn't wash it off well or at all and then rubbed their eyes for whatever reason. Smart people that cook with spicy peppers wear latex gloves, everyone else tempts fate."

"You're worried something spicy and edible could kill me," he mused.

"Everything is edible once," I retorted. "And there's plenty of edible things that can kill anyone, just add poison, hell we eat at least two kinds of poisonous plants without realizing its potential, potatoes and tomatoes are both belladonnas which is the most poisonous plant this planet has."

"How exactly do you know all that about poisons?" Nat asked.

"Like no one else has ever thought about ways to sneak poison into someone's drink before, if you tell me otherwise then you're a liar. There's a song by my favorite band about slipping cleaning solution into someone's coffee."

"No wonder you two are so close, so much potential to do good but so tempted to do otherwise, meant for each other really," Tony mused.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"We'll see. Now that I had my initial fun though, back to what I called you all here for. We have ourselves a zombie outbreak...never thought I'd say that, but there's a first time for everything. While I get the feeling you could probably handle zombies on your own, this should still be a team effort for damage control and whatnot so everyone suit up and ship out."

I grinned." You heard him, Autobots, let's roll out!"

"Sometimes you're worse than Peter with the pop culture references," muttered Tony.

"Where is the little bug anyway?"

"At school like the good genius he is, it is a week day after all and no longer summer."

"Wait a sec, it's...the fall?" I asked excitedly.

"...Yes?"

I grinned. "Things are starting to turn up Milhouse."

"Why is it a good thing for it to be autumn?" asked Loki as we made our way to the jet thing.

"I'm strongest during that season."

There were definitely zombies afoot, not a whole lot thankfully which usually meant the rogue necromancer that raised them was either doing something small scale or wasn't that much a threat and didn't have the power to raise a full army. Either way sucks to be them. I hung back in the jet as zombies themselves were super easy to handle, it was just a matter of finding the weasel that got them there and dealing with them. Loki hung back as well as you really didn't need god powers to deal with the walking dead, just something to separate the head from the body. So it was basically Clint, Nat, Tony, and America's Ass knocking heads and taking names.

"You think Thor will be pissed he's not part of the party?" I mused to Loki.

The golden god grinned at the thought of his brother being the whiny baby he knew he was. "He did particularly enjoy a similar situation to this one, fighting off the undead, despite losing our home in the end. He's not needed though so he can bloody deal with it."

"Maybe we shouldn't tell him and pretend like nothing's happened that he'd miss." Our eyes met for a moment before we both grinned wickedly. "Nah." I pressed my com out of curiosity to see how things were going outside. "Found the rogue yet?"

"All I see are dead people," came Clint's response first, causing me to crack up at the quote.

"Ha, it's not just me quoting movies now, Tony, check and mate."

"Clint, don't encourage her," grumbled Tony on the com.

"This is way easier than I expected zombies to be, I feel like I'm in a video game and this is like one of the first few levels," Clint stated.

"If the music changes, get ready for the big boss fight," I warned him.

"Anything we should look for in finding said big boss? Features that sets him apart like with you?" asked Nat.

"Only the more advanced look like death for reasons, I highly doubt this one is so look for the one that stationary or moving at a normal pace and not currently rotting at the same time. The zombies are either a distraction or sentinels so go in the opposite direction as them to find the boss. On that note, can I have a go at whoever it is, they're under my department, I feel like I should take some responsibility for it...adulting and what not."

"If there's anything else after we're done, maybe," Tony answered.

"Sharing is caring."

"Good thing I don't care then."

Another few minutes went by. "You say its easy dealing with zombies yet there's still no progress otherwise, what's going on out there? Has the music changed yet?"

"Still can't find the bastard, even when I switch to heat vision to seek out living from undead it's still all dead things," grumbled Tony. "Are we even sure he's in this area? Maybe this whole thing is a diversion from another place?"

I groaned in frustration and stood up stiffly. "This is taking too long, I'm gonna miss the Farmers Market!" I stormed out of the jet, Loki in tow of course, and walked out into the battlefield, power flowing into my hands before I shot it at every dead body near me still walking that collapsed immediately, the connection from them to their initial power source cut off.

"Nell, what the hell are you doing?" demanded Tony.

"Your job for you, I want a raise after this too." I grabbed hold of a zombie's head without cutting the connection and instead followed the connection to the source while Loki made sure there were no interruptions. "Found em." I cut the connection of that zombie after and had Loki teleport me right to the source which thankfully was still in the area just very well hidden. I let go of Loki's hand from him teleporting us and took a bee line right to the bastard who's back was turned to me. I grabbed him by the head and smashed it against the wall of the building he was hidden in. Thankfully, he was still conscious for me to play with and held his head with a grown before turning around onto his back to face me and the look on his face was just too perfect to post on instagram.

"Nell! Y-you're...you're," he stuttered in terror.

"I'm what?" I growled at him, not wasting any time as I reached down and grabbed him by the shirt, throwing him into another wall and going after him before he could scamper away.

"You're back," he squeaked. "They told me..."

"Who told you?" I demanded, a hand wrapping around his neck tight and holding him hard against the wall behind him.

One hand of his was around the hand around his neck trying to get me off him while I wasn't so blind to not notice the other reaching for something behind his back, a flash of metal telling me exactly what he was planning and even before Loki would take out his own blades, I caught his free hand that held a certain lethal dagger and broke his wrist while my nails dug into his neck so he couldn't catch his dagger as it dropped. I kicked it away from both of us. "You know who I am, then you know what your options are now. Who told you?"

Both his hands were now trying to pry my one off him and I only gave him enough air to speak and not die just yet. "We're either the hunted or the hunters, that's what they told me. They told me your head would be mounted on a wall when they caught you."

I pulled him from the wall only to slam him back against it in rage, he was working for the people, helping them hunt the rest of us, that caught me. "How did they find me?"

"I don't know!" he croaked.

"Try again." Another slam against the wall.

"I swear I don't know! I was told about you after it had already happened!"

"Nell," Steve of all people said suddenly behind me. "He's more useful to us alive."

"I disagree," I growled. "The dead are so much more cooperative."

A new level of fear filled the traitor's face, he definitely knew what his options were now. He looked past me to Loki who was simply watching the whole scene play out without a word or a motion otherwise then to Steve. "Help me! Please!"

"He's not in the business of helping people he's been trying to shut down his entire life," I reminded him coldly.

"Loki, can't you stop this?" Steve asked him.

"I am not her commander nor master, I do not as you would say, call the shots."

"Nell, drop him," Nat came in saying. "I know what you're feeling, I know what you've been through, this isn't the way to handle it."

I vaguely wondered what would happen if I killed the rat in my grasp, would the Avengers come at me, kick me out of the compound? Would I be their next mission? Would Loki come with me or stay with them? That last one got my attention and I glanced back at Loki then and our eyes met. "You aren't my master, but I still need you."

Loki was silent for a moment, taking in the hidden message I hoped his caught from that statement. It probably wasn't fair to make him choose between the ones he had probably sworn to team up with, and some dead chick he just met and banged a bunch but I needed to know who I could trust when my own people were turning on me. "And you have me," he finally responded.

I relaxed the smallest bit at the answer and was about to finish off my prey before Tony in all his armored glory burst in from the ceiling, his iron mask off so he was legit staring me down with his blaster hands poised. "You want answers from him as much as we do, right? We can get more out of him alive when all his nerve endings are still working. I don't want you to be our next big enemy here but if you kill him, you will be, and Hydra will be the least of your worries."

While the threat was barely accurate considering Hydra had more intel than Tony did on us and had a lot more minions to give the intel to, I really didn't want more enemies than I already had. I grumbled in annoyance and threw the rat to Tony then before picking up the dagger that had threatened to kill me for good and examined it, Loki stepping over to me and eyeing the blade curiously. "Did you mean that?" I asked.

"I might be known as the Lord of Lies but I always keep my word."

The rat was grabbed by Tony and surrounded by the other Avengers who guarded and guided him out of the building, Loki and myself taking the tail end. The second the rat stepped outside however, he crumbled with a bullethole in his skull, a larger one as small bullets don't always do the trick with death mages. Clint took out the Hydra sniper instantly without a second thought but the prisoner was already dead. I cackled when Nat took his nonexistent pulse at the pure irony of the situation. "You see what happens, the universe always provides. You had your chance, now it's my turn. You might wanna take the body back first before they actively try to keep it from rising again though."

Tony just frowned at my reaction and shook his head. "You are a piece of work, you know that?"

I grinned and shrugged. "Thought you liked a challenge?"

He just shook his head again. "Not even Loki was this chaotic when he first joined us."

"That's because you forced contraptions on me that dampened my powers till I behaved like you wanted," Loki retorted dryly.

"You put a fucking bark collar on him? He's a god, not a dog, you dyslexic dildo!"

"Whoa, easy there, Night Queen, this is the same guy that tried to take NYC some years back."

I snorted. "Fuck NYC, their sports teams suck and so do they."

Loki took my hand in his and I felt calm suddenly and glanced over at him questionably. "You don't have to defend me, you know?"

"Yeah well, I got my vengeance stolen by the universe just now and nowhere else to direct my rage, so sue me."

"The universe doesn't steal, it takes what belongs to it, therefore you weren't meant to kill him so relax for now," he argued.

I frowned at the questionable but near flawless logic and grumbled under my breath. "Stupid sexy Frost Giant."

[clumsyclifford]

hello my dearest bella 💕 (please go to bed instead of reading this and yes as far as i'm aware shawn mendes is friends with 5sos) okay firstly i'm really glad that your happy playlist is fulfilling its purpose 🙈 also how've you been? did you have a good week? (i hope your math test went well btw) did you drink and eat enough? how are things in general? i feel like i haven't checked in on you properly in too long 🙈

oh and yes very much so i just can't stand illusion at all but like i don't even know why 😅

i'm very sorry you cried but then again crying can be so helpful but anyway i hope things are looking up by now

well for me thursdays are really Not It at all. they're really rough at work bc we have that thing where we talk to every patient and it's a lot so that's just not fun. also destiel. what a topic. can't believe 16 year old me invested so much emotion into that show just to be treated like this now

okay lastly i've listened to a couple of songs from the one line takes you out playlist (mostly some that i already knew and i'll work myself through the rest slowly) and spoiler this changed from me guessing which line is responsible for getting the song onto the playlist to just telling you my fav lines real fucking quick but well maybe those two things overlap we'll see

story of another us i'm thinking maybe "drowning, beside you where i'll be to remind you we're still first in line for the front row of last resorts" or "i got a long term plan with short term fixes and a wasted heart that just eclipses" but simply bc i love those two

the quiet oh damn this one has so many 😅 my own fav is "i'd rather be spitting blood than have this silence fuck me up" but "say anything, anything hurts less than the quiet" is so so relatable to me so it always hits intensely as weell but it is also the chorus and i don't think that counts as one line and i think maybe "now i'm left here in the dust with the taste of broken trust" could be a taking out line but really i think in this song it could be every single line and i'd be like yeah i get it

san francisco so as i said this really is just me telling you my fav lines "drove into infinity, i held you 'til you fell asleep"

special listen that one's a challenge bc it's just. a song full of lines that take me personally out. all of them. even more so than the quiet. however "on your hands and your knees do you feel in charge? crawling back to who you were" & "i just wanna wake up put a smile on my face that isn't made up" absolutely murder me each time. (or possibly "when do i become who i am?", the entire chorus, "am i the one on the thrown or a wannabe?", "where's the time go? here comes a heavy low")

cynic this entire song is an attack. but nothing more than "i miss the days when one was better than the last" (or maybe one of these: "i cried at the rain, but there's no way that I'm depressed", "if i think too hard i'm scared i might lose it", "leave it to life to turn my strengths back into weaknesses")

i'll honestly be so shocked if even one of those is right 😅 please tell me which lines actually take you out yeah? okay love you and really hope you can sleep now -fiancee

ether maybe "check in on my mental state find another skeleton take it out and decorate"

pin the grenade "if you're gonna kill me baby please just do it slow" listen i have no idea why but this line each and every time takes me out but "if you don't love me lie to my face" is so good as well

hello my dearest fiancee!! yes actually i am literally listening to the happy playlist right now as we speak i love that so much for us it’s honestly? SUCH a good playlist. thank you fiancee your contribution is, of course, invaluable

how have i been! what a question. i have actually been strangely good!! this morning i did some cool things for acappella. i did NOT sleep well last night as im sure you saw but i have a mocha frapp and a chocolate croissant here so that should do it !!!! ALSO i am going HOME today.........leaving college until spring.......gonna see my dad in like one hour i am really excited for that :) how are you!!!

i am sorry to hear about the unfortunate thursdays :// i hope they pass quickly for you and also hope that the rest of your week is/was decent enough to make up for it? also yeah, destiel........what the fresh hell lmao literally

oh okay !!! lets see here

story of another us: yeah i mean i think the whole chorus just hits me in the face. but also “memories are pay per view, it costs too much to think of you” is such a???? line????????

the quiet: yeah you got it first try!! i’d rather be spitting blood than have the silence fuck me up??????? what the FUCK????? literally

san francisco: wtf fiancee are you inside my head......are you ME......that’s literally the line i fucking love that lyric so much the image is so nice and the emotion and JUST

special: well. the line that takes ME out is “i just wanna feel good, wanna feel special” like....the desperation!!!!! also the fact that alex sings it!! thinking!! but you’re right, on that song (and frankly every simple creatures song) every single line hits

cynic: yeah it’s “i cried at the rain but there’s no way that i’m depressed” that line puts me in another dimension deadass

ether: honestly, i would have to relisten to this one, but im pretty sure it’s the chorus part. like the “you can gasp for air or take the either; hold your breath for both, you won’t get either” however i also do really like the cross another state line checkin on my mental state line. i’m not even sure why? i just like the. like. i just like it hlkfgjdkslmj

pin the grenade: YEAH it’s if you don’t love me lie to my face. i just fucking love that. it’s such a desperate plea!!! are you detecting a theme here fldkgjfmlkj

[glowstickhaloboy]

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR OCs PLEEEEASE :) names, quirks, fave foods etc. ps love your phone case in your selfie hehe

holy shit you summoned me so hard i glitched out of existence the first time and had to try again

allow me to infodump about my angel, my son, my boy peter. here’s a commission i had made of him, my one and only. you wanna know what this selfless jerkface boy can do? he can perform magic every time he does something self-sacrificing, only he doesnt know it (yet), he just thinks that hes not allowed to be happy and things will always work out. talk about emotional problems. my anxiety son, i would die for him. hes also sarcastic with authority bc he’s really independent and thinks he knows best, which makes his uncle’s angel-friend (wink wink) mackenzie’s head roll, because we are all just trying to look out for you peter, stop running off and starting shit.

and then!! colin!! who i want to take over the world and save everyone!! hes my tiny alien boi, and also the happiest child on the planet. (hes not actually a child, hes 16, but hes energetic to a point of fault and not the brightest candle in the shed.) colin dehills is half-orc, half-incubus and hes spent the past couple of years traveling the multiverse doing vigilante work with his scary best friend. this boy never stops talking and has a heart of gold stitched proudly on his sleeve!!!!!!!!! unfortunately i only have so much money so i cant commission the rest of the gang yet, but YOU BET YOUR BUCKAROO that one day soon a framed colin will sit beside his boyfriend peter (oops did i spoil that ;) )

…..okay and now comes the part where my heart begins to twist painfully in my chest because i am so full of love and am completely guilty because i could NEVER give antoinette black the introduction she deserves, my creepy skeleton daughter. antoinette has been cursed for 400 years (why, you may ask, to which i answer: :) ) so now she is a regular 20-something during the day, and at night shes a horrifying monstrous version of herself with black eyeballs and cracked nails and she smells like rotting meat. she would die for colin if she was actually able to die, and she loves to sneakily be supportive of her friends while outwardly being mean to them. i would wrench my beating heart from my chest and offer it to her, then thank her as she stepped on it.

did i save the best for last? you tell me. ramona lopez!! she completes our core four, and if i could talk about her all day i would. have you ever met a trans ace vampire?? no?? now you have, and she is legendary. i wish i was just saying that, but she is literally a thing of legend, a kind of vampire that only emerges once every thousand years or so: the vampira superiora. she is the definition of strength!!! not to mention an amazing, supportive friend and loving daughter and sister!! peter is her best friend and they met after she kicked her vampire trigonometry teacher’s ass while peter, our fearless hero, screamed in a tree

okay im going to shut up now because ive cradled these darlings in my heart for 5 years now and the amount i have to say about them is literally filling novels but THANK YOU FOR ASKING HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU

what happened to the tagging asks feature wtf thats not a thing for me rn

[homebeneaththestairs]

garden gnomes and group chats

Sirius to felons or falcons: im ready to pass or die

Remus: I literally sent you a study package two weeks ago 

Peter: i left u my notes from last semester what are you doing with your life? 

Sirius: not studying 

Sirius: I thought that was really obvious

Sirius: cmon guys get with the program 

James to Remus: i left snape a step by step instruction manual on how to properly wash his hair 

James: its in his locker 

James: what do u think are the odds that he’ll actually figure out how a shower works?

Remus: first of all: oh my god 

Remus: secondly: good job.

Lily to Sirius: s2g black give me back my pencil case 

Sirius: it was an emergency 

Lily: you’ll be in the emergency room if you don’t give it back to me 

Peter to felons or falcons: guys guys guys 

Sirius: don’t u dare 

James: don’t 

Peter: reminder that college applications start today! 

Sirius: blocked. 

Peter: :////////:

James: yeah u think about u did 

Remus: I’m in the library right now filling out applications 

James: blocked. 

Sirius changed the group name to: if remus mentions colleges one more time i’ll kill him 

Remus changed the group name to: sirius stop using the group chat name to make a point 

Sirius changed the group name to: make me

Remus to slim slam dunk slimmies: I swear to god that i will kill whoever keeps leaving raisin boxes in my locker 

Remus: I’m talking to you James and Sirius 

Sirius: i literally have no idea what ur talking about 

Remus: someone keeps leaving those boxes of raisins in my locker and i hate raisins why do you guys keep doing this?

Sirius: I’m going to go with innocent until proven guilty, mate

Remus: I’m not an idiot 

Remus: its either you or James doing this how stupid do you think I am?

James to Peter: so when r u going to tell Remus that you’ve been breaking into his locker all year?

Peter: probably never

James: respect that 

Sirius changed the group name to: plexiglass fuckers 

Peter: wait what 

Remus: How does one even?

Sirius: carefully, and with punk attitude 

James changed the group name to: punk is really dead get over it black 

Sirius: im never talking to u again 

James: but u just did 

Sirius: damn it 

James to james potter is a secretly a walking talking jar of jam: im failing out of english and its a problem 

James: like seriously 

Sirius: yes?

James: literally not the time buddy 

Sirius: i always have time for u 

James: bro <3

Sirius: bro <33333

Remus: sirius shut up 

Remus: what do you mean you are failing out of english? have you done any of the readings? 

James: hamlet is literally the worst torture in the history of ever i can’t get through it and i’m so far behind i need help i just got a 40% on the paper and she gave me an extension to redo it but i don’t know where to begin 

Remus: you’re going to be fine 

Remus: i’m messaging a friend. maybe she’ll agree to tutor you 

James: bless u 

Peter to Remus: fuck u 

Remus: what on earth did i do to deserve this 

Peter sent to Remus three screenshots 

Peter: he hasn’t shut up about her dainty little wrists yet 

Peter: u did this 

Remus: oh my god what did i do 

Remus to Lily: how did it go with James?

Lily: I think I found the problem

Remus: he was dropped on his head as a small child?

Lily: ???

Lily: no he’s been trying to read a copy of Macbeth, not Hamlet 

Remus: why am I friends with these people?

Peter to four guys with great hair: i dunno y but sirius makes great decisions when drunk 

James: wait u went drinking without me?

Peter: u said u wanted to watch lily do homework at the library 

James: u make it sound so much creepier when u say it like that 

Remus: why did you call me 20 times tonight?

Peter: sirius tried making a fire 

Remus: with what??

Sirius: e v e r y t h i n g 

Peter: actually though 

Peter: it was a bit more of an explosion than a fire tbh 

Sirius to Remus: not to be controversial 

Sirius: but i really don’t like bbq sauce

Remus: literally wtf is controversial about that 

Remus: also its 3am fuck off 

Peter to the discount spice girls: i forgot we had homework in history 

Peter: someone skip history with me

James: im in chem but sounds coolio 

Sirius to the discount spice girls : wait we had homework 

Sirius: don’t leave without me guys 

Sirius: guys?

Sirius: g u y s 

Remus to Sirius: you submitted your applications right?

Sirius: ???applications,,,, 4 wat?

Remus: why are you like this 

Sirius: oh yeah college appLications 

Sirius: kind of 

Remus: this is the last day to submit 

Remus: where are you 

Sirius: in the libBBrary picking progRams out of a hat with James 

Sirius: do u think i could work with kids?

Remus: i think the kids would be to mature for you 

James to the Lily Evans Appreciation Group: she is so perfect 

James: she loaned me one of her gel pens today

James: GEL 

Sirius: ohhhh gel?

James: gel. 

James: purple gel pen 

Sirius: wow thats serious 

Peter: ^^^ :D

James: i honestly dunno whats better. the fact that she blessed me with one of her pens, or her eyes. 

Remus changed the group name to: mention lily’s eyes one more time james

James: they’re literally the most beautiful eyes i have ever encountered 

James: like they are honestly so green 

James Potter has been removed from group. 

James to Peter: have u seen sirius?

Peter: no

Peter: craig said he saw him hitchhiking earlier, looked pretty bad 

James: im grabbing the car 

Peter: i’ll meet you by the school

Peter to the Remus Lupin is a Moon Man: i got rejected by my safety school 

Sirius: im literally on my way with beer 

Remus: where are you getting alcohol from? 

Sirius: i broke into bellatrix’s apartment and stole her stash of candles and beer like yesterday 

Sirius: james the jim was the get away driver 

Sirius changed James to jamesthejim

James: honestly that school was stupid 

James: you’ve got plenty of time to hear back 

Peter: liar 

Remus: trust him on this one 

James to Sirius: he keeps baking cookies 

Sirius: aw shit 

James: we ran out of dairy already 

Sirius: no please don’t tell me 

James: he started making vegan cookies 

Sirius: sinful 

Remus to the Peter Won’t Stop Baking Support Group: he got rejected from another school and he’s moved onto making cupcakes 

Remus: I think he’s crying 

Sirius: i’m in the middle of calc homework i want some pie 

Sirius to Peter: james is making a move on evans 

Peter: omg no way 

Sirius: yes way 

Sirius: they’re at her locker 

Peter: im across school report everything 

Sirius: k well james tried that awkward leaning thing beside her locker and lily dropped her textbook on his foot 

Sirius: i dunno whats redder her hair or his face 

Sirius: nm his face is way redder 

Sirius: he asked if she wanted to meet up for coffee but she thought he meant for tutoring and im dying his face 

Peter: maybe this will be the end to all that is perfect about lily evans 

James to wtf does duolingo not have elvish????: Lily told me this really clever riddle today 

James: i didn;t get it 

James: at like all 

James: but she was so happy and so cute 

James: im gonna marry her 

Sirius: u jinxed it peter 

James to Remus: I GOT ACCEPTED 

Remus: I’m so glad Lily dragged your marks up for admissions 

James: ikr same 

James to the Peter Won’t Stop Baking Support Group: his mom started selling the cakes that he was making 

Sirius: i dunno y i keep offering to eat them 

Remus: he made over thirty cakes today 

Remus: half of them were coconut flavoured 

Sirius: so?

Remus: you’re allergic to coconut????

Sirius: yeah but if i die i don’t have to do homework 

James: lucky 

Remus: i hate you all so much

Remus left the group. 

James added Remus to the group. 

Remus left the group. 

Sirius added Remus to the group. 

Remus: i hate u both

Sirius to Remus: not 2 b political or anything but technically every war is a skeleton war if u think hard about it

Remus: w h y 

Peter uploaded a video to james stfu about evans: here we r blessed by remus singing starman 

Remus: i remember none of this 

James: i thought i was the one that sung that 

Peter: no u got really drunk and started moving your lips to the words and got excited that u learned how to talk and not talk at the same time 

James: wait what time was this even 

Peter: 10pm 

Remus: where’s sirius?

Peter: see that questionable lump in the right corner of the video? that’s sirius basically dead 

James changed Sirius’s name to questionable lump. 

questionable lump: y u do this

James changed the group name to: lily’s eyes are like glitter i swear

Sirius changed the group name to: literally no one cares

Sirius to Remus: i see u 

Sirius: posting some whimsy status about college acceptances 

Sirius: whatever 

Sirius: thats only a little cool, moon man 

Sirius: siriusly though congrats 

Lily to James: why did sirius throw glitter at me outside homeroom? 

James: oh my god 

James: im so sorry

Sirius to Peter: did u know that james has been stealing garden gnomes and hiding them under his bed?

Peter: that is the weirdest fetish 

Sirius: ikr i wanna hide them in remus’s locker 

Sirius: it’ll be really funny 

Peter: omg lets 

Sirius to the Baking Has Stopped Bless All: the oven is off 

James: oh thank god 

Remus: wait i was hoping he’d try doughnuts next 

Remus to James: do you know if sirius has heard back from any schools yet? 

James: dude i was just going to ask u that 

Remus: shit 

Peter sent three links to Remus: k so i know one of these is a literal dumpster but sirius basically is a dumpster 

Remus: i see no difference 

Peter: James liked the second one option for the apartment 

Remus: oh god i’ve agreed to live with james potter and sirius black in one house 

Peter: how bad could it be?

Remus to WHERE DID YOU GET THE GNOMES FROM: wtf guys 

Remus: my locker 

Remus: they all came falling out

James: wait 

James: where did the gnomes come from 

Sirius has left the group. 

Peter has left the group. 

James: damnit they found my stash of gnomes 

Remus: ????????????

Lily to Remus: why did you have my mom’s garden gnomes in your locker?

Remus: what 

Lily: the gnomes 

Lily: i recognized them from the ones that went missing 

Remus:this is definitely not what you think

Lily: black stole them didn’t he?

Remus: sure 

Lily to Sirius: im gonna find you

James changed the group names to felons or misunderstood falcons?: i wrote lily a poem 

Sirius: no no no 

James: roses r red, violets r blue 

James: i hate flowers but love u 

Peter: i can’t tell if that was sweet or not 

Sirius: u should totally give that to her 

Remus: sirius no 

James: im committed to the plan 

Remus to Sirius: have you gotten any news from the schools you applied to?

Sirius: yeah funny story 

Sirius: i sort of messed up applying 

Remus: wait so you didn’t send out any applications??

Sirius: naw just messing with u 

Sirius: i heard back months ago 

Remus: R U KIDDING ME 

Sirius: i broke u this is the best moment of all 88 years of my life. 

Sirius: yeah though. haven’t opened anything yet 

Remus: you mean you never opened the letters?

Sirius: yeah no i liked the suspense 

Remus: jesus christ open them right now i will cut you 

Sirius: cool beans i got in 

Remus blocked Sirius. 

James to Lily: i like u a lot 

Lily: ask me out then 

James: wait what 

Lily: i’ve been literally waiting all year 

James: jesus christ will u go out with me 

Lily: yeah y not 

[mraoulee]

M. Raoulee Reviews Ghost In The Shell So You Don’t Have To Suffer

I realize what day it is and that this is a hell of a time to post my first review, especially of something people are bound to have strong opinions about.  I’d like to take a moment to blame the heap of studios who dumped money into this for the timing and state that this review is in fact, 100% serious.  It contains spoilers.  

Short Version

I bought a cup of wine before I went in.  The clerk told me to enjoy the wine; didn’t mention the movie.

I took two sips out of it before the film started, resolving to save the rest for when things got unbearable.  It was gone within two minutes.

I have no idea why anyone would remake Overdrawn At The Memory Bank and have Scarlett Johansson playing Aram as well as suddenly on an elite anti-terrorism force.  In fact, I have no idea why anyone would remake Overdrawn At The Memory Bank at all.

The only reason this isn’t my new most hated movie is that I haven’t seen the possible previous one in a while and I think I should rewatch it before I make that determination.

Long Version

I’m reviewing this as a fan of most of the originals. You want a review from a neutral party, you won’t find it here.  Ghost In The Shell was my childhood.  

Additionally, I am going to speak to the racism, but please do seek out and read thoughts on the subject by people of color.  Their anger needs an audience because holy shit.  Just… holy shit.  I’ll be editing in links and highlighting their posts on the subject.  If the original ran without them, I just wanted to get my anger out before it consumed me and I apologize for jumping the gun.

There are a few miniscule bright spots in this train wreck.  Say, five cool shots.  One of them’s of the Major storming off in a pout and turning her camo on at the same time, there’s another neat panning shot in the one apartment.  Ultimately, the few well-filmed shots take place in scenes that are wrong for other reasons, so we’ll come back to them.  I think the practical effects, what few there are, rock, but it’s hard to tell given the cinematographer’s dedication to not showing them.  

Some of the PoC bit parts slay.  Hats off to Chin Han and his amazing Togusa.  I’m so disappointed I didn’t get to see more than a minute of him even though his presence and plotline in the originals speaks more to the point the writer may have been aiming for in this film.  Way to not use your resources, writer.  Other wasted PoC actors include Danusia Samal, Lasarus Ratuere, Chris Obi, Kaori Momoi-- stuck with one of the characters that ruins the movie but still makes her endearing af --and Adwoa Aboah whose appearance I sincerely hope gets uploaded to Youtube so everyone can see her almost salvage the Major as a character strictly by virtue of her personal awesome.  

The main cast is bad.  Just bad.  

At first, I was pretty jazzed with the guy playing Batou because he looks, he even walks the part.  Then he had to go and open his mouth.  What ditch did they find that dude in and why did they not return him to that ditch with prejudice given some of that line delivery? I mean, I can see Batou’s understated done-ness posing a challenge, but there was just no excuse for this person snorting through his lines and then going WWE all over the action scenes.  

The guy playing Cutter showed up with ham in his pockets; enough ham that made me wonder why they didn’t just get Christopher Walken if they wanted that much ham on set since he actually knows how to carry his meat products effectively.  I don’t think Cutter was a well-thought-out villain at any point, but seriously, WTF.

Kuze has that much CG interference he can’t sell anything besides an ongoing dopey expression.  Probably not his fault, but still, I think a baby deer would have done better.  Why not just have Kuze manifest as a baby deer? Are baby deer that expensive? [ETA: I have been informed that they are, though I stand by my point.]

Then there’s Dr. Ouélet.  I’m not judging this actress on her job based solely on the fact she’s playing the other character who has no business being in anything billing itself as Ghost In The Shell.  I’m not judging this actress because of her accent.  I’m judging her for playing her part like a six-year-old with a mouth full of gummi worms.  If you, like most sensible people, aren’t into watching six-year-olds with mouths full of gummi worms moralize about technology, oh look, it’s another good reason to avoid this movie.  

The Major.  Oh, the Major.  There are lines in this script, particularly shoved in her mouth, which cannot be delivered well.  And they’re really obvious.  If this actress was going to gank this part it was her fucking duty to speak up about this awful shit and she clearly did not.  The one moment of good chemistry she has with Batou looks and sounds like a goof they left in.  The scene with Adwoa Aboah is good because of Adwoa Aboah.  The rest of her performance is some phoned-in nonsense.  I don’t even know what she was trying to do with the character.

Not that you get to see terribly much of her.  They CG her to hell and back.  And not well-- in general, the CG in this movie looks cheap and rushed outside of taking people’s faces apart for shock value, though that happens with enough frequency all of its impact is lost.  As for the rest of the CG, that’s especially glaring with the wide shots of the city and with the Major.  The Major looks like a character from TES: Oblivion with the actress’s head plunked on top and also a bad wig.  90% of the time, that bad wig is crooked.  The CG model for her body has different measurements than her actual body.  No effort was made to make her appear any taller, meaning that a few shot recreations and shots in general go sideways because the Major is suddenly too short.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they look bad period because her height throws things off on a regular basis.  And just-- nobody thought to bring a box.  

This movie cost millions and millions of dollars.  It went to theaters with problems that could have been solved by boxes.  Let that sink in.

Anyone who tried to redeem this film by saying it looks good has clearly never seen a movie that wasn’t shot on shitteo before.  It doesn’t.  The sloppy CG is only part of the problem, although let me mention how glaring it is to go from wide shots of a pristine, CG skeleton of a city to street shots which attempt to be as crowded and dirty as possible.  Again, I think there are some good practical effects down here, but the cinematographer.  Oh, the cinematographer.

Please, anyone who knows this asshole, take his camera away.  I’m begging you.  He fails utterly to grasp scale.  As in, I’m not sure he realized there was a problem with the Major’s height.  He doesn’t understand movement or focus.  I have no idea how he’s been getting work since the 70’s.  The fiveish good shots I counted appear to have been accidents or laziness.  Say, the panning shot in the doctor’s apartment was probably the easiest way to shoot the scene, but it works well because it gradually reduces a conversation to the two participants and makes it personal.  Or it would.  If the conversation itself didn’t suck.

Here’s the thing: he had previous iterations of a lot of the shots to work from.  He still fucked them up.  Every single shot he lifts, he blows.  It’s not even a case of things not being replicable with live actors.  It’s this man needs to have a different job.  There’s bullet time all up in a recreation of the fight in the wash.  He puts the disappearing off of a roof shot in the middle of the day and at an incomprehensible angle.  The lighting and colors are frequently just fucked up.  Did I mention the chintzy CG jellyfish all up in the dive scene… which he then doubly fucks over in the second half by cutting sloppily around the Major and Batou, not that it’s possible to cut well around Batou’s actor completely missing the point of the scene and the Major somehow managing to take off her wetsuit in a stilted fashion.  He can’t even be assed to show us the garbage man’s death.

Did I mention they kill the garbage man?

I nope out of movies for killing dogs, but I would rather the writer had killed the dog here than the garbage man.  The whole point of the garbage man was supposed to be his perfect cinnamon roll innocence in the face of vast, complex machinations far beyond his comprehension.  You would never know that from this film and it’s decision to have him be a rat bastard.  You would never know, because the writer decided to use physical elements from Ghost In The Shell rather than actually retell any form of it.  

The plot here is some cheap, moralizing leftovers.  Saying it’s supposed to be Ghost In The Shell is just offensive.  Audience, they don’t even explain how Ghost works as in-universe jargon.

There are jackasses *cough*bennett*cough* who make the argument that the plot of the original Ghost In The Shell film is sub par.  I’m pretty sure the writer here watched one of their reviews, agreed, and never bothered with any of the originals outside of vague summaries, deciding in the end to produce something which does indeed have more in common with Overdrawn At The Memory Bank than Ghost In The Shell.

I would argue that the plot of the original film is a utilitarian creature.  It exists so that the Major and the Puppet Master can talk and the audience gets the results of that, IE the resulting entity sitting on Batou’s couch in the child’s shell, as a going away present to think about.

In other words, the original Ghost In The Shell has approximately the same plot as a romance movie.

In other-other words, it’s actually really hard to fuck that up.

You see why I don’t think the author made any attempt to retell the first movie.  I don’t even think this is a combination of the two movies and the TV series as has been claimed.  The second movie’s a hot mess and can’t exist without the first one, and you can’t cram the TV series, either season, into a movie.  Hell, the sequel film didn’t even quite fit.

The plot of this film is just the same corporate greed, technology is bad tripe that’s been getting shoved at the audience since the fucking 70’s.  I imagine the writer flying an Acme jet over the audience and unloading a comically whistling payload of anvils.  The dialogue clunks, nothing new gets put on the table; hell, nothing truly from Ghost In The Shell gets put on the table.  There is no fucking point to the plot of this film, and the plot physically is not Ghost In The Shell, primarily because of the fucking anvils.  Anvils are not gifts to your audience.  You don’t think about anvils.  They’re just there.

Running with the conceit though that this was maybe at some point supposed to be Ghost In The Shell, I have some questions.  A selection: If this main character of yours is supposed to be the Major, what’s up with the pouting and helplessness? Why the fresh hell is Aramaki the only character speaking Japanese and who told you those subtitles were OK? Did anyone explain to you what the point of a Tatchikoma is and that controlling a tank with a mouse is absurd beyond that? Did anyone tell any member of the crew that the Major is actually supposed to have junk-- the lack of junk in the first movie was a censorship issue? Why is the Major the ‘first of her kind’ adapting to her new shell when in the original we got to enjoy her casually strutting around in body that was functionally leased? Why can’t her and Batou actually be friends-- was that so damn hard to write? Was it worth it to you to make Momoi’s character spout that line about Motoko ranting about technology as a child instead of something truly motherly that didn’t sound like a box of hand tools falling over? Why does Motoko need not one, but two other women who drag her through her own plot? Oh, wait.  I know that one.  It’s because you kneecapped her character and also, you’re a complete waste of space.  You got off hammering in all of those lines about consent, didn’t you, you fucking creep?

The only shred of a prop I will give the writer is that they did possibly remember that the Major is queer.

Otherwise, between them, and the director, the audience gets… someone who isn’t Motoko Kusanagi, but who purports to be her and also gets handcuffed to a stripper pole at one point.

My father howled laughing when I told him.  

You can’t use handcuffs on a cyborg in the Ghost In The Shell universe.  What part of 800 pounds of metal did you not understand? What part of Section 9 exists at least in part because of shit like that did you not understand?

In conclusion, you probably saw that I just gave the Major’s name from the Japanese version.  

It turns out, this Mira Killian is Kusanagi Motoko and there’s memory wiping involved and also she has to go visit her mommy and her obligatory sci-fi cat before she can… not get to ascend or grow as a character because she promised Mommy she’d come home.

I’m saying it’s not that they changed the Major’s ethnicity.  It’s they literally have a white woman playing a Japanese woman.  There is nothing not terrible about that.  

This movie is the perfect example of fractal wrongness.  It fails at everything it tries to do and on every level.  It’s ugly, it’s rapey, it’s racist and it’s not Ghost In The Shell.  Shame on the crew.  

To quote Mina Li: so basically it would have saved them money if they just took the negatives of the original GitS and filmed themselves taking dumps onto it.

Don’t anyone else give this trash a dime.  Go watch the 1995 movie or the TV series.  There’s no need to suffer like I did.  

Other Reviews: Rebecca Sun, Angie Han, Other Suggestions Always Welcome Because This Movie Sucks That Hard.

[spraklecat]

Blackpool Pleasure Beach TR below, it’s pretty long since there’s a lot of interesting stuff there I wanted to talk about. Probably my favorite UK park I did for how unique it is and because it’s a really good value, nearly half the price of the other parks (which are already almost half ths price of comparable US ones) and has a very.. interesting selection of mostly older rides you can’t find much elsewhere, though it’s a shame they’ve killed off a number of them in the last decade or so :(

Also bonus South Pier, because it’s nearby and has an amazing 10-minute Waltzer

BPB TR

I gave myself two days for the park knowing that I’d felt a bit rushed at Thorpe and Alton and this one looked the most attractive in terms of rides and I really wanted to do it all. One day would have probably been fine, but in the end, it’s a whole lot cheaper than the other big parks in England and two days with VIP Plus Speedy Pass was roughly the same as one day at Alton/Thorpe with the equivalent line skipper and I had a great time going at a casual pace and tons of rerides.

The atmosphere of this park is... very interesting. Kind of rusty/run down, but with some nice greenery, random spots of theming, and the train’s animal statues scattered in some of the coaster infields that made me scratch my head at first. I like it, it’s unique and eclectic even if it can be tacky. The whole Blackpool area kind of feels similar with having the vintage trams running around and some older buildings, but also some mysterious art installations by the beach and a random abandoned mini golf course. Food seemed less expensive than other parks I went to, but I mostly just got ice cream. Operatioms weren’t especially great , but not usually too bad either, and according to the Speedy Pass site lines weren’t usually above 20 minutes on Sunday anyways. Though they looked a lot worse on Monday, likely since several rides went down and Infusion was on one train ops. I’ve heard some complaints about the clientele here and yeah, it’s obviously not a very wealthy area, but I never encountered any trouble at the park or walking around the Promenade, even at night. I wasn’t bothered by anyone at Thorpe either, besides people being slow and fussy in the ride stations, so maybe I’m just lucky or oblivious.

Fyi Valhalla was closed all day both days for some reason, which is why I didn’t ride it :( It was also a bummer hearing of Wild Mouse’s sudden demise last year since I had been looking forwards to it as well.

In no particular order, my thoughts on the rides.

Nickelodeon Streak- Not very forceful, but has nice views and isn’t too rough.

Blue Flyer- Adorable little ride, probably the smallest woodie I’ve ridden. Otherwise, similar to Nick Streak in terms of being a gentle ride.

Big Dipper- Decent, but underwhelming given what I’ve heard from others. The layout didn’t flow the best and didn’t have nearly as much air as I had hoped. The laterals on the turn towards the home stretch are great, though. Also, I love the BPB has upholstered couch seats on their wooden coasters, so comfortable even on rough rides like Grand National. I wish padding like that would make a comeback but maintenance is probably a lot higher than standard seats.

Grand National- Probably one of my favorites there, purely for fitting under the old wooden coaster with endless hills, airtime a short line category, which I have a huge soft spot for. Really rough in the back row but again, tolerable due to cushy seats absorbing it a lot, and the air is plentiful and lovely. I mostly rode the left side, which seemed to consistently lose. I rode the right once or twice since it had a slightly longer line, but it felt a little rougher but the air felt a little stronger in spots. The switching stations part at the end definitely feels weird. Easily my favorite wood coaster at the park, I rode this thing so much because I couldn’t get enough of it (similar to how I was with KI racer as a kid).

Revolution- Amazingly smooth for it’s age an being an Arrow. This thing tracks ridiculously well. The drops are a bit janky and absolutely fling your knees up and cracked me up a lot. I also love the feeling of Arrow loops as an element. An enjoyable and pretty hilarious ride overall but all the steps up are pretty annoying. Took advantage of my Speedy Pass to reenter the station and reride without the whole hike. Beautiful truss structure, I thought it was going to look like the other Arrow shuttle loops I’ve seen online that aren’t as attractive but I was very wrong. Guessing they did it so they could fit more rides underneath?

Big One- This thing looks and feels much bigger than its height and has the most stereotypical big scary roller coaster appearance ever. Another beautiful Arrow, and while not the most forceful ride, it’s not too rough, the drop is cool, and there’s a bit of air going into the mcbr. The views are incredible and the ride feels like an adventure with how it goes over and around almost the entire park.

Avalanche- A big surprise. This thing is like a bigger, rougher, and crazier waterslide with some surprising pops of air and I love that, despite the short ride time. Never been on a bobsled coaster before this so can’t compare it to others.

Infusion- Also a big pleasant surprise. SLCs get a lot of crap and I really wanted to try one to see what people mean and this is actually a solid if somewhat janky invert and easily more enjoyable, than some lower tier B&Ms for me, it has some solid forces and pretty good pacing. The roll over is a cool maneuver and it’s a shame it’s not something really done on non-SLC coasters. The sidewinder up the water wall was also great, though I would have preferred an Immelman. Yeah, the corkscrews and transitions could be awkward but I’m good at pushing my neck out to avoid headbanging so they weren’t too bad. I rode in the front, middle, and back and all had good forces, but front is much smoother.

Steeplechase- A weird little ride that can be goofy fun for the novelty factor, but ow, the seatbacks really jab you in the lower back during those turns. It was more comfortable riding in the back seat behind someone else. The minimal restraints are a bit freaky with those sudden turns.

Icon- Definitely a big contrast to the other coasters at the park, being modern and much much smoother. I really enjoyed Maverick and while it’s definitely not as good, the whole short, intense launch coaster genre is one I really enjoy. Front row was pretty weak, but there’s some fantastic air in the back going over the first hill and off the immelman. The immelman is easily the best part, and exemplifies the wonderful variance of pacing and forces this ride has with the slow turnover with a bit of hangtime before being glung over the top. It’s definitely a bit too S-bend heavy though and the restraints got uncomfortably tight, but compared to other hydraulic restraints they’re far more comfortable in that regard since they mainly press on thighs and over a wider area and it’s more just discomfort than pain. I’m team Nemesis for best UK coaster still since that ride’s ridiculous pace and intensity is tough to beat.

Dark Rides:

River Caves- Strange and kinda trippy with the seemingly random changes in setting and time period and I love that. Relaxingand pretty ride with lots of visual variety, with some scenes being more realistic and others stylized.

Ghost Train- A horror-themed ride mostly without cheap jump scares and just full of creepy stuff? Fantastic! Another ride that was wonderfully odd and unexplainable with the seemingly random displays and lack of explanation. Favorite ones were the spoopy skeletons on bikes, the oven, and the train tunnel.

Alice’s Wonderland- A bit hard to read the boards, but a nice ride. I love the cat cars. I liked the others better since the wtf factor of the older ones is great and Wallace and Gromit is technically superior.

Wallace and Gromit- As I’ve said above, the most technically advanced of the dark rides I rode (again, Valhalla was closed the whole time). The order of the scenes seemed a bit scrambled but it was well-done, especially liked the Were-Rabbit animatronic that gave me a good startle.

Misc. Rides

Pleasure Beach Express- Even if they’re just diesel replicas, I like that the engines are shaped like 1920s-30s British ones rather than being the more typical old-timey American-style type with the big chimney and cowcatcher that most other parks have. Anyways, the route takes you under a lot of the coasters for some great photo angles, and through some strange displays of dinos and wild animals and expeditions gone wrong. Like River Caves, it’s so bizarre and I love it.

Sky Force- I love that interactive flats are coming back, even if I could only flip once or twice at best the challenge made it fun and even just wobbling back and forth was enjoyable.

Flying Machines- Pretty relaxing and pleasant, not much else to say.

Derby Racer- I rode the one at CP several years ago and this one feels a lot faster and more thrilling, though the horses don’t race. I like the color scheme and lights of the pavilion, much prettier than CP’s but the horses aren’t painted with much detail.

Grand Prix- Liked the setting, the noise when you didn’t steer the car right stressed me out so I didn’t ride again lol

Bonus: South Pier

Visited because it was close by and I heard the Waltzer was good and it did not disappoint. Almost 10 minute cycle with tons of variation in speed/spin (sometimes gentle rocks, sometimes I couldn’t even keep my neck up from the force) and a very fun and lively op. I rode it twice in a row and somehow didn’t feel remotely nauseous, which was weird, I’m super prone to motion sickness but I usually need a break after several rides and that was much longer in terms of duration. They definitely give you your money’s worth, and I’d say check it out if you’re going to BPB and like spinning flats, it’s easily a favorite of mine. The Breakdance was pretty good and is a Sobema model that’s a bit bigger feels a bit more comfortable when the cars spin than the Fabbri ones I’m used to (never ridden a Huss). Wild Mouse had some wild uncontrolled spinning in the second set of switchbacks, much stronger than the other one I did at a US fair.