#wrote this in two parts. first part for my ex girlfriend and the second part for my ex boyfriend

[c4tluver02]

missed rehearsal

Warnings: itty bitty angst but happy ending ! ballerina!reader

wc: 1.5k

Summary: Steve misses your rehearsal spending time with Nancy. What can he do to make it up to you?

a/n: I know nothing about ballet so sorry if anything is wrong !!

This was the second time Steve has missed your rehearsal. You were selected to play one of the bigger roles in the production and you had asked Steve to meet you at the studio to watch you. Having someone to support you when all you've done is correct your every move for the past two weeks sounded amazing. But to go through a whole rehearsal without it immediately puts you in a bad mood. It’s unlike Steve to miss something that's this important to you, especially because the ballet was next week. Once the session is over you put sweatpants and a thin sweater over your leotard and take your shoes off. 

You're sweating, your teacher told the whole class how you messed up, and you can feel that the numbing cream you put on your feet before class has completely disappeared. Oh and your boyfriend missed your rehearsal. The thought of calling Steve to tell him about your day felt like the next step but you didn't want to call when you were just grumpy and mad. Instead you head home to shower hoping that would make you feel better. 

Once you're out of the shower you hear the phone ring. You have a feeling it’s Steve and somehow the anger from earlier hasn't worn off. Yet you decide to answer wondering if he has a good reason to have missed it.

“Hello?” 

“Hey baby! I just got back home. I was wondering if you wanted to come over?” Steve asks and you can tell that he's smiling as he says it. A part of your heart warms at this and yet your blood just can't help but boil. 

“Wait, you weren't home? Where have you been?” You ask, forgetting the rest of his question.

“Nanc needed my help with something, her and Jonathan have been fighting. She just needed a friend y’know?” He responds in a calm state. 

If you were in a cartoon, smoke would be blowing out of your ears. He blows you off to help his ex-girlfriend? It takes everything out of you to not just hang up on him right then and there. 

“I can't come over Steve. I am in so much pain from today's rehearsals.” You say, your tone coming out with no emotion. You are hoping the word itself gives him a moment to realize what has happened. 

“Oh… I’m sorry, lovely.” When you hear him say it you automatically picture a frown on his face. It's very Steve to take someone else's pain and feel it just as much himself. However, the grudge you're holding felt a little more strong than this.  “Can I come over if that's better? Maybe I can give you a massage or something?” 

A sigh comes out of you. He really has no clue. It felt wrong to be mad at someone who has no clue they've done something wrong. “Steve, you missed my rehearsal today. You promised you'd be there and you weren't.” You finally spill. This didn't feel like a conversation to be having over the phone but it felt so vibrant to you that you couldn't keep it in. 

“Oh fuck.” The information hits Steve in seconds. The sadness in your voice coming out with it immediately breaks his heart. “Baby I'm so sorry I completely forgot.”  The first time Steve missed it was because he forgot to ask for the shift off of work. But this time it was him forgetting to just go and spend time with Nancy. 

“I really just want to go to bed Steve. Today has been the worst day and I'm tired.” You say rubbing your eyes and looking at the clock. It’s only 7:30 but the idea of laying in bed with a book sounded a million times better than sitting here in an awful mood. 

“I really am sorry. I don't know how I forgot it. I even wrote it on my calendar so this wouldn't happen.” Steve's guilt is palpable. At the end of the day you know he didn't miss your rehearsal to be malicious but he still missed it. Something that's been on your mind everyday isn't even in his once. 

“I know Steve. I'll call you tomorrow, I just need to go lay down.” The feeling of today is starting to crumble in on you. The stress you have been putting on not only your mental health but your body for this performance is a lot. Your face feels hot and your vision is getting blurry. 

Steve hears your voice wobble as you say it, ending the sentence with a sniffle. He feels horrible that your day was so bad. He feels even worse when he's the one that made you cry. But if you don't want to talk to him right now, what can he do? 

“Okay sweet girl I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” The way he says it sounds so soft as if your previous words hadn't been said with such venom and malice. 

You hang up the phone to go curl up in your bed. Allowing yourself to break down and truly let everything you've been feeling out. The guilt of making him feel bad starting to eat at you. The whole situation is bad and you just wish it hadn't happened in the first place. 

–

The next morning you are woken up by the doorbell and a loud knock on your door. Your eyes are sore from all the crying you did last night and the pain in your legs and feet is coming back to you. You slowly make your way downstairs, each step makes you wake up a bit more. Once you finally reach the door and open it you see Steve holding a bouquet of red roses. 

Steve looks up at you and it's like his heart only breaks and breaks. Your eyes are swollen and red. It confirms how bad you had cried last night. Despite that all you still look beautiful and Steve hopes you accept his apology. 

“Steve, what are you doing here?” You ask, rubbing your tired eyes.

“I came to apologize for yesterday. You have every right to be upset, I looked after Nancy instead of you and I'm so sorry baby.” Steve hopes he can come with you to rehearsal today, despite forgetting it yesterday he did really want to see you. You look amazing in your element, like you were born to be a ballerina.

“I know Stevie, I just really needed you yesterday. I didn't even know you and Nancy were friends.” Your arms are crossed and you have a pout on your face but you must forgive him a little bit, you called him Stevie. Or maybe you aren't fully awake yet. 

“We really aren't but I dunno she just called and told me about it and I felt bad. I think our group is all she has and out of everyone I'm the next best option besides Jonathan.” You can tell he's really trying and he understands why you're upset.

You take the flowers from his hands and open your door more to let him inside. “Thank you for the flowers.” You say smelling them. 

As you close the door Steve responds “Of course baby, anything for you. You want me to get a vase?” He asks knowing they are high up. 

“Yes please.” Your voice is meek. All this energy you built up by being upset slowly makes you feel silly for being so hard headed in the first place. 

Once Steve gets the vase he puts it on the countertop. The glass makes a noise once it hits the tile. You set your flowers down as well before asking Steve–

“Can I have a hug?” Your head is tilted and your arms are up. Steve shares a warm smile at you. You look precious right now and he is so happy you're feeling better. 

He wraps his arms around you and gives you a big hug. His cologne takes over your senses as you melt into him. Once you both let go Steve gives a small kiss on each of your swollen eyes, and finally one on your lips. 

You kiss him back with your hands cupping his face. “Let me put the flowers in the vase but then do you wanna lay in bed? I don't have to leave for rehearsal for another hour.” 

“Yes please!” Steve says giving your waist a squeeze. “Could I go to practice with you today?” 

“Stevie if you don’t want to go you really don't have to.” You say, the insecurity still within you.

“No, no, no.” It comes out like it's one word. “I really do wanna go, please?” 

A smile comes on your face, “Yeah you can come.” You give him a quick peck. “But we have a while so let's go cuddle.” You grab his hand and you both walk upstairs. 

Steve gets into your bed and pulls you with him. A giggle comes out at the motion. He gives your hand he's holding a kiss before letting you lay your head on his arm. 

A comfortable silence falls between you. “I really am sorry though.” Steve starts.

“It's okay Stevie I know.” You give him one more kiss before asking him how Nancy is doing. Steve can't believe he got so lucky with you.

[soy-garbage]

JJK SMAU RECOMMENDATIONS ! PART 2 !!

Hello everyone!! I finally got around to do part 2 of jjk smaus!! hope y'all enjoy it and again all the credit for the works goes to the amazing authors who made them, and if you wrote any of these and are seeing my post: AAA Thank you for the great content!!! ≧◡≦<33 keep being amazing!! (part 1 here!)

(Completed: ✿)

(On going: ★)

･:*SMAU SERIES! :

SpellBound / Megumi Fushiguro x Reader ✿

･:*synopsis// By no means did you hate soulmates, you just hated that he was your soulmate. not like megumi was ecstatic that he was your soulmate either. but that’s fine, both of you found someone else to keep you company.

Show Me How / Yuta Okkotsu x Reader ★

･:*synopsis// What happens when fans catch you eyeing yuta on your friends stream? could it be something more?

Soft and Lightweight / Megumi Fushiguro x Reader ★

･:*synopsis// In which megumi confesses to his sister's best friend after accidentally drinking at a party and how they try to go back to their original relationship afterwards. However, no matter how much they try to ignore each other and act like everything's okay, the awkward tension and growing heartbeats cannot be hidden.

You Always Had Me / Gojo Satoru x Reader ★

･:*synopsis// what would you do if your hot best friend agreed to fake date you to make your ex-boyfriend jealous? Will it ruin your friendship or will it prevail into something more?

≡Open Chat ≡Open CH / Gojo Satoru x Reader ★

･:*synopsis// Two streaming groups are introduced to one another through their chat and find out they happen to go to the same university. When they decide to collaborate an interesting bond begins to form between two individuals. When the internet is involved within your love life it’s natural that things begin to turn rocky, especially when the two has a not so cute background following them.. how do they get their name out there and release to the media that things aren’t as they seem? or how do they do they come to terms that they’ve became closer then they’ve realized.

Fashion Flirt / Megumi Fushiguro x Reader ✿

･:*synopsis// You’re a fashion student in your first year of college, beginning the end of 2nd semester project, which just so happens to be designing a collection of 3 outfits to be modeled at a fashion show in late May. Your classes host model auditions for designers like you to go pick your models. While everyone is able to write down a max of 20 people, there’s one boy that catches your eye you hope ends up in your final 3.

Sleepless Nights / Yuta Okkotsu/Toge Inumaki x Reader ★

･:*synopsis// Your second year of high school was supposed to be as boring as every other year, and for a while, that's exactly how it was. But an unexpected encounter with a mysterious boy one night suddenly makes your life more interesting.

Falling for you (and your streams!) / Megumi Fushiguro x Reader ★

･:*synopsis// Yn, a streamer who is roommates with Maki, Toge and Yuta, meets Maki's girlfriend on a certain stream. But what happens when Yn catches the eye of Nobara's best friend?

Flirting and Caffeine / Nanami Kento x Reader ✿

･:*synopsis// where yn, a newly hired barista (thanks to her brother) who also happens to master the reversed curse technique, meets Nanami Kento, a grade 1 sorcerer who favours the specific cafe that yn has started working at. He suddenly favours that cafe a little more than usual.

･:*SMAU ACCOUNTS! : 

@lilsillycat

@saintkaylaa

@inmaki

@threewholeants

That's it!! if y'all would like me to do another part, please let me know!!!

check out all the accounts i tagged! i love their content and i'm sure you will too<3

thank you for reading ♡( •ॢ◡-ॢ)✧˖° ♡

( All the credit of the smaus goes to the accounts who made them! : @4phskingdom @strawberri-elixir @bryngmemoney @wmuffy @satoluv @bbunisre @satcrvz @todayisawthewhxlewxrld )

[divine0rdainment]

IMMA WRITE SOME FANFICS!

So imma try and write some more fanfictions soon. Attempt is the correct word becuse my ADHD is a bitch. But I was wondering which of my Au's you'd like to see written about first. Imma share the ones I like the most below and if you guys have a specific interest in one, please Comment the ones you'd like to see. I'll set up a Pole to have people vote on based on which Au's have the most people interested and work from there.

Now for the aus, I'll write the name of the au and description so you know what I'm talking about.

1) Taking What Is Forbidden (Continuation)

I already wrote two chapters for this but I have a few ideas I could expand on after, but in summery, An Eden au where Adam eats the apple of knowledge on purpose to find a way to make Lucifer fall in love with him, (or straight up force his angel in to isolation with him) resulting in them both falling. Heavily implied Yandere Demon King Adam vibes.

2) Operation Replace Lilith AU

Adam dies and goes back in time to the day he was created and has the brilliant idea of seducing Lucifer in order to get Lucifer to take him to hell Instead of Lilith, and not have the same death he had in his last life (Lucifer beating the shit out of him and then being stabbed by Nifty.) Too bad he's bad at flirting and Lucifer is accidently great at it. And now he may have to accept the fact he's not so straight.

3) Paradise Found au

Michael and Lucifer switch roles, and Michael ends up going to hell with Lilith, while Adam, after his death, ends up married to Lucifer in heaven since Lilith was sent to purgatory. He's still an exterminator in this time lone and Lucifer is part of the High Angelic Council. They have two daughters (Lute and Charlie) who are both working along side them and they have found their happy ending... Till Emily, the daughter of Michael and Lilith shows up with her plans for "redemption" and Charlie's missing girlfriend. Then everything the two built falls apart in ways they can't control.

4) Lucifers Labyrinth AU

Adam is a single dad of 4 kids who are very irritated at him when he misses a big school event. After a big argument, one of the kids make a wish that end up sending the four kids and Adam to the demon realm. The king of the realm, Lucifer, makes a deal with Adam that if he can make it to the center of Lucifers very very large labyrinth and get his kids to forgive him, he will let Adam take them home. But if he fails, he and the kids would be trapped in the Demon Realm forever. Turns out, Lucifer just had a crush on Adam and wants to convince him to stay willingly but doesn't understand humans well.

5) Charlie is The DM Au (Multiple Ships in this)

Basicly, Sinner Adam, Lucifer, Vaggie, Husk, and Angel play DND with Charlie as a bonding exercise every week. They each have their own characters and get to tell a fun story full of weird interactions and funny dialogue, but all while telling a good story that helps them with their real life problems in hell too. Alastor joins soon to cause even more problems in game. (May actually make Character sheets for everyone to share in case you like them)

6) Mafia Bodyguard Au

Another Single father Adam au, where Adam is struggling with a group of kids (under the age of 10k after his wife Eve died. He is Ex military and is too filled with PTSD and stress to figure out how to survive as he is. Luckily his ex wife, Lilith, comes to see him at a bar and offer him a job working for her second Ex husband as a bodyguard to their child, Charlie. In doing so he'd get free housing, schooling, medical increase, food, and even a fully bullet proof car. All Adam has to do is work for the Morningstar Mafia. Oh, by the way, her ex husband is the leader of said Mafia. Adam accepts for his kids sake, and shit goes crazy from there

7) She's Just a Baby Au

(also known as I'm Just A Man Au)

During the war between Heaven and hell, Adam is told by Sera that Lucifer and Lilith had created a nephilim. An abomination that, according to the higher angels, will spell misfortune for Heaven and Hell, and sends Adam on a secret mission to destroy this monster. When Adam gets there during a battle outside of Lucifers castle, he finds the monster in question and realizes it's just a baby, a demon like baby, but still a baby. He tries to bring himself to kill her and can't, and instead protects her till Lucifer comes back. Lilith dies in the battle sadly, so now Charlie only has her father. But Adam, now breaking heavens orders a second time, knows he can't go back. So Lucifer lets him stay. The two raise charlie together.

8) Testing Love Potions Au (One Shot)

Velvette was making a love potion in her office during an extermination, only for Adam to slam in to her office, preparing to killed her. To defend herself, Velvette broke his mask and hit him in the face with a love potion. And before he can open his eyes, she escapes. Adam sees Lucifer on a billboard and instantly is stricken with love. Chaos happens. And Lucifer is VERY confused. Especially since his wife just left him last year to go to heaven.

So please do tell me your opinions! Tell me which ones you'd like to read first! I hope to do all of them, but I gotta start so where!

[f1tales]

i was enchanted to meet you - cs55

i was enchanted to meet you || prologue

next part

pairing: carlos sainz x singer!ofc

summary: carlos and lennon meet in baku. everything changes after that.

author's note: i'm quite nervous to be posting this because it's the same trope as that's that me espresso. but i actually wrote this waaaaay before and i want to share it! it's part of a series, in my head at least. i haven't come anywhere near finishing but the vision is there in my head. this part is just the introduction to my ofc, hope you like it!!

faceclaim: none

Lennon Sage Abbott was eighteen years old when she released her first album, she named it Fearless. Not because she wasn’t scared of anything; she was. She was scared of many things. Like, telling her best friend she has a massive crush on him; telling her mother that she broke the expensive vase that her grandmother had gifted years ago; saying ‘no’ in general scares the hell out of her. We can go on and on; the list is endless.

She named the album Fearless cause for once in her life, she was saying everything she was afraid to say before. Except maybe about the vase; Lennon doesn’t think she’ll ever come clean to her mother about it. She confessed to her best friend that she thinks he’s better off with her and that she thinks his girlfriend is bad for him; although he will never ever know it’s about him. And if anyone asks, she’ll lie. She tells her mum about the best days of her life; tells her younger self that it’s not a shame to not have found true love at age fifteen and tells her red-headed friend Emma the same. She writes a song for her two best friends; Mason and Declan. She tells them about how proud she is of them; no matter how many setbacks they will face in their careers: because the walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down and the time will come for us to finally win.

She lashes out at her ex-boyfriend, the one she was with from age fifteen to sixteen. The one who promised her “forever & always”, but that never came. Who promised her he was her prince on the white horse (he wasn’t).  

To her parents, who strongly disapproved of Luke Hemmings. Yes, the Luke Hemmings from 5 Seconds of Summer. Lennon thought he was the one. She thought he was the love story she was looking for (he wasn’t). She just didn’t know that at the time.

So yes, for once in her life she feels fearless.

She feels like a new girl- no, a new woman when she comes off her Fearless tour. She’s working on her new album, Luke is long forgotten and for the first time in quite some time she has some time off. Her father had started his new job; his dream job. To work in Formula 1 was something Harry Abbott had dreamed about for as long as Lennon could remember. He wasn’t unhappy as physiotherapist for Chelsea FC, not at all. But Formula 1 is where he hoped to be one day.

So when Toro Rosso approached him for a job, the question was not if he’ll take it but when can he start?

Lennon was proud of him; he was following his dreams. Lennon herself didn’t care much for Formula 1. She’d much rather go and watch one of Mason’s matches; or Declan’s. Her brother Beckett however, was quite the opposite. Couldn’t care less about football and would much rather go watch cars go around in circles for about ninety minutes every Sunday.

However, Lennon is more than happy to accept her father’s invitation to come to a Grand Prix weekend. She hasn’t seen him in ages and would love to see him at work again. When Lennon was a little girl he used to take her to the training grounds in Cobham and just sit in a corner of his office as he worked. The players all loved her; sneaking in treats left, right and centre if they knew she was present. That’s how she met Mason and Declan. They played for Chelsea FC’s Youth Academy. To be honest, the two boys weren’t impressed with Lennon when they first met, but Lennon kept sneaking out of her father’s office to go and annoy the two boys. So much so that one day during the school holidays and Lennon couldn’t go with her father because she was home ill, the two boys couldn’t stop looking for her. Harry had to reassure them she was home with a nose cold but would be back to annoy them soon. Her words, not her father’s.

Anyway, we’re getting a bit sidetracked here.

It’s late April 2019 when Lennon’s life completely changes. When she is finally able to visit her father at his new job. In Baku. She hadn’t really heard of the city before, but she was happy to be there. Sorry, getting sidetracked again.

She watched the race; it was okay. She didn’t understand much of it. No, her life changes later that day. In the evening, to be more precise. She meets him in some nightclub in Baku. 

And everything changes. And nothing would ever be the same from that moment.

next part coming soon.

the divider is by @/enchanthings || original post

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for going no-contact with my ex a couple months after we broke up?

i (22nb) dated my girlfriend (26f) for nearly three years. we were long-distance, and i had intended on visiting her post-covid (we started dating in fall 2020). the relationship was great at first, messaging each other every day and being lovey-dovey. in december 2022, things began to fall apart. she told me that i would never be able to visit her or she would be able to see me due to her homophobic parents. i told her that really hurt because that was a huge part of starting the relationship, and i wasn't sure if i could be completely ldr. we didn't talk for a week or so after that.

while we weren't talking, things began to bubble up. i realized how she was using me almost exclusively as an erp partner/person to write her self-insert fanfics and used me as a bank when she wanted to spend money on nsfw art commissions instead of her phone bill (i had to really be on her about paying back $100+ before all this), and how the relationship was starting to fade compared to when we first started dating. i brushed this aside due to my own neurodivergency (bpd, among others) and the fear of abandonment.

fast forward to summer 2023. I'm on vacation visiting my uncles and having fun as it's my first time flying alone. i told my gf before this that i was going to be on vacation and busy during that time. during my time away, she messaged me asking to continue an rp we had done before the trip, saying "it only needs two more replies". i told her matter-of-factly that i was on vacation and didn't have the time. she accused me of being harsh and told me, "i could've just said no". i talked to my uncles about this, as it was upsetting me. they advised me that "a person can be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime," being that not everyone will be in your life forever. i took this in and decided it was time to break up with her.

we didn't talk for a few weeks after my trip until i decided to break up with her. while telling her i didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, she asked "will we still rp and write fics together?" it was clear where her priorities lay. i said yes, and that we could continue to be friends, just not dating. this was in july 2023.

now, up to september 2023. i wrote 100ish-word drabbles for kinktober instead of longer fics so i could balance it with my college course load. i shared the link to the beginning of the collection with my ex. she suggested i write 500 words for each day instead of 100. i asked why, and she said (her exact words)

"how are you gonna write a threesome in 100 words though? this convo we're having is at 65 words rn, that's over half your wordcount"

this upset me, and i had the urge to cut her all off and act self-destructively. i decided to instead calm down and not talk for a few days as i mentally sorted it out. a few days later, i civilly responded to her, saying

"what you said about not being able to fit a fic like that into 100 words really hurt ... all I have time for between responsibilities is 100ish words, and I chose to do that rather than abandoning kinktober ... if you’re that dissatisfied with my writing, you can find someone else to write your self insert fics"

she responds while i'm on voice chat with two different friends. she says,

"i'm not dissatisfied with your writing. i did not mean what i said that way. there's no need to be spiteful."

the spiteful comment completely threw me off, and i sent the screencap to said friends i was on vc with. my instinct was to respond civilly again, trying to patch things up. my friends acted like kronk's devil and angel on my shoulder ("no, no, he's got a point"), and i ended up blocking her on every platform instead of responding at all. i feel relieved that she's out of my life.

a month later, i checked my tumblr inbox for an ask from a friend. the second message in the inbox is clearly from her, but from a side account she denied having when i brought it up to her a year or so ago (the blog sent me a meme that she had shared on her main account so i wondered if it was her). it read (paraphrased),

"it's obvious you were never gonna work on that fic or rp again! you always had an excuse to push it off. i didn't matter when i was no longer your gf. you were a suffocating datemate, and i couldn't be gone for more than 10 min, but it was ok for you to not respond for hours!"

little note: i was a full-time college student working two jobs at the time. i had very little time to socialize on platforms like discord, and i took every opportunity i took. on the other hand, my ex was unemployed aside from occasional freelance writing, was not in education, and lived at her parent's house.

i deleted the message as she didn't deserve a response, nor did i want to make it public, but how our relationship ended still weighs on me. aita?

What are these acronyms?

[starling-song]

(photo: lyrics as printed in the first cd edition of Hurry Up Mode, 1990)

PLASTIC SYNDROME TYPE II

Lyrics: Imai Hisashi | Music: Sakurai Atsushi

Nothing to be done Burned into my memory Those tearful eyes So petty It became hard to see That reflection In dreams I can forget All of it

oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME

You’ll never Be honest, eh? Before you know it Utterly changed Now lonely Feelings hidden In lies you can forget All of it

※oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME

＊Since real feelings were forgotten Since painful thoughts were exhausting Since real feelings were forgotten Since painful thoughts were exhausting ………PLASTIC …PLASTIC …PLASTIC PLASTIC!!

※ Repeat

＊Repeat

Since real feelings were forgotten Since painful thoughts were exhausting (1986 vers. only: Since real feelings were forgotten Since painful thoughts were exhausting) Real feelings Painful thoughts

——————————————————

Dou shiyou mo naku Yakitsuite Namida gumu no wa Keihaku de Minikukunatta Sugata utsushi Yume de subete wo Wasureru sa

oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME

Sunao ni nante Narene– ze Itsu no ma ni ka ni Kawari hate Sabishikunatta Kimochi kakushi Uso de subete wo Wasureru sa

※oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME oh-PLASTIC SYNDROME

＊Honto no kimochi Wasureta kara Setsunai omoi wa Tsukareta kara Honto no kimochi Wasureta kara Setsunai omoi wa Tsukareta kara ………PLASTIC …PLASTIC …PLASTIC PLASTIC!!

※ Repeat

＊Repeat

Honto no kimochi Wasureta kara Setsunai omoi wa Tsukareta kara (1986 vers only: Honto no kimochi Wasureta kara Setsunai omoi wa Tsukareta kara) Honto no kimochi Setsunai omoi wa

--------------

T/N: Repetitions and end chorus added to the romaji and translation of this song wrt the published lyrics as seen in the photo.

Next to "utterly changed" it should really also say "(derogatory)" as the implication is the bad kind of 'changed'. I tried to convey this by putting utterly in there as it is a more negative qualifier. Personally I think it's kind of hard to tell if the speaker is talking about himself the whole time, or half himself and half, say, a nasty ex girlfriend or something. There is definitely a feeling in the second part of talking 'to' someone, but you can just as easily talk to yourself as you could someone else! Imai wrote this one so I think it could go either way. Stay tuned to the version number at the bottom of this post for me to possibly change my mind later lol.

I've seen some lyrics for this song posted online with added english lyrics at the end. That isn't present in the Hurry Up Mode cd that was published in 1990. A goal of mine is to get ahold of the To-Search EP someday, but at the very least a review of the Hurry Up Mode 1990 cd (the first time this album was published in cd format- before then it was only vinyl) in a contemporary Japanese music magazine said that it was the same as the vinyl, just basically mixed a bit better for stereo/headphones. Something I really want to do with this page is post every print of the lyrics for a song exactly in case of a situation like this. Even so, even when listening to this track from Hurry Up Mode those supposed english end lyrics are not in the song. As B-T has not posted the original To-Search EP to spotify (they may not be legally able to), it's hard to tell if the version there and the version on Hurry Up Mode are different. I'll see if I can't find it somehow.

edit: Found it! Here's a spin of the OG original version of this song from 1986's 'To-Search' EP. It is a different, older recording of this song than from Hurry Up Mode (ie the version on spotify etc) and has two extra lines of chorus- but still no english ending! The mystery continues...

--------------

Disclaimers: Please do not use my translations or photos without express permission. All photos of lyrics are mine- these are from my own collection, even if potato quality.💗

v. 1.3 (12.28.24)

[noyatv]

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐫𝐚| carlos sainz jr

carlos sainz x fem!reader

part 2 of start of an era

warnings: this is fiction, reader sings a lot of taylor swift songs, angst, carlos sliding in the dms, minor age gaps (conor/yn-3 yrs) (carlos/yn-3 yrs), reader is said to be (southern) italian-american (not that relevant to the story).

fc: varies

liked by taylorswift, charles_leclerc, landonorris, and 51,368 others

ynbuscemi i remember 11 y/o me forcing my parents to put the fearless cd in. now, i get to sing with taylor. anyways, i'm announcing that midnights (late night driving edition) is now available on all streaming platforms, with 10 never before heard songs, including my personal favorite, style ft taylor.

landonorris: i wish someone would write songs about me ↳ynbuscemi wdym i wrote dorothea and seven abt you

taylorswift: we need to write more songs together

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On Monday, the world was rocked by the news of the breakup between 28-year-old Conor Kennedy and his 24-year-old girlfriend, Italian-American singer-songwriter Y/N Buscemi. The couple had been together for almost six years and was a favorite of the paparazzi and celebrity news outlets.

The news was even more surprising considering that Y/N Buscemi is friends with Kennedy’s ex-girlfriend, Taylor Swift. The two had met in 2012 when Buscemi was just 14 and Swift was 22. Kennedy was 18 at the time. It’s unclear exactly how they became friends, but it’s speculated that it was due to Buscemi's elder sister, Victoria, who may have introduced them.

This is not the first time the pair have broken up. In fact, they have broken up twice, the first time being back in 2016. Reasons for the first breakup are unknown, but some speculate that it was because of Y/N and Taylor's friendship, the latter of the two, not being comfortable about her friend dating her ex.

The second time, was because of scheduling issues back in 2018. Conor was finishing up his degree at Harvard, while Buscemi was writing songs for her, then, upcoming album, serpente, and was in the process of helping Taylor write songs for Lover.

Since the announcement of their breakup, Kennedy has been vocal about his desire to reconcile with Buscemi. He has made no secret of his feelings, posting several heartfelt messages on social media about how much he loves and misses her.

At this point, it’s unclear what the future holds for the couple. While Kennedy continues to express his love and longing for Buscemi, the public is left to wonder if the two will be able to patch things up. Only time will tell.

this took way too long and it made me wanna kms, there will be a part 2

[springsteenicious]

Pieces of a Harmony

part one of my draft clean out is chapter one of a fic I abandoned called Pieces of a Harmony! don't know why I called it that!

The original idea for this was to be a band AU. If anyone remembers when I was toying around with a fic called Add It Up, this is my restarted draft of that. But I don't where I was going with it and I have no idea what I'm doing with all the stuff I wrote for Add It Up. If you want to learn more about that fic, look at my tag for it.

In this story, Donna is marrying my OC Jack O'Connor (WTOE). Eric went to NYU and met the people he will later start a band with, and the character Jenna you will meet here is his intended love interest since Donna is married. Hyde and Jackie reunite at the wedding.

Word Count: 3,064

Pairings: Hyde/Jackie, Donna/Jack, Eric/Jenna

1985 

Hyde raised his hand to knock on the front door when Donna poked her head out the window right next to it. “Don’t knock!” she shouted. “I just painted the door.” 

He lowered his hand. “Okay. Can you let me in?” 

“Yeah, one second.” Donna went back in the window and a moment later, the door opened. Hyde went in. 

“How’s it going? Where’s Jack?” 

“Jack is figuring out what’s wrong with the bathroom sink. If you want to help him, follow the sound of angry Gaelic muttering.” Donna gestured vaguely up the stairs. 

Hyde nodded and went up, Donna behind him. “Everything else good? You like the house?” 

“Yeah, I do. I’m glad we’re moving in before the wedding. I would have been stressed the whole honeymoon if we still didn’t have a house.” 

“I’m glad you moved too, I was getting sick of having you in my apartment,” Hyde teased. He walked into the bathroom, where Jack was hunched by the sink, cursing at a pipe.

Donna touched his shoulder lightly. “What did I tell you about straining your leg?” 

He looked up at her. “That I shouldn’t do it?” 

“Mhm. Now stand up, Hyde’s gonna fix the sink.” 

Jack used the sink as leverage to stand up. Hyde took his place under the sink. "You got a wrench?" Donna handed him the wrench, and he sealed a loose pipe. "Try that." 

Jack turned on the sink, and the water came out. "Damn. I should just stop trying to fix things around the house, it never works out." 

"How's this: I'll fix stuff, and you can cook," Donna suggested with a smile. 

"I was gonna cook anyway," Jack said. "But that sounds wonderful, a chroí." 

"No one makes me feel more single than you two," Hyde said. "Anyway, I came to help you move in. And to tell you that Forman finally called me back and said he's coming to the wedding, with a plus one." 

Donna smiled. "Does he have a girlfriend? Boyfriend?" 

"No. He's bringing this girl from NYU who he's just friends with. He was very adamant about that on the phone." 

Donna laughed. "Same old Eric." She looked at Jack. "Did Emmeline ever call you back?" 

"Yeah. She said she can't make it. Her sister's pregnant and due around the time of the wedding, so she'll be in Truro with her sister." 

"I love it when you say Truro. Your accent just…" Donna shook her head, clearing the thought. She looked at Hyde. "Are you all packed?" 

"Yup. Finished this morning. I'm excited, I've never been out of the country." 

Donna and Jack were getting married in Ireland. Jack's whole family- minus his sister- lived there, so it was easier to get the whole O'Connor part of the wedding attendees there. Donna only wanted to invite her immediate family and friends, so she was fine with that. It would also be easier for them to get to their honeymoon destination in Italy. 

"Jackie's excited?" Hyde asked. 

"Out of her mind," Donna said. "She said she's been calling Jack's sister non-stop to figure out my bachelorette party. She wants it to be better than the last one." 

Hyde chuckled. "Of course." 

"You sure it won't be awkward?" Donna asked, not for the first time. 

Hyde gave her a look. "Jack's inviting your ex to his bachelor party. I can handle seeing Jackie for a few days." 

Donna turned on Jack. "I told you that you didn't have to invite him." 

"I wanted to," Jack said. "He's cool. Besides, he and Hyde are still friends. It'll be fine." He pressed a kiss to the side of Donna's face. "It's going to be great, and we're going to be married soon, and then we'll be enjoying kickass food in Italy." 

Donna smiled a little. "You always know what to say, Sunshine." Jack blushed a little. 

"Aww," Hyde crooned. "You have anything else you need me to fix?" 

They both looked back at Hyde. Jack nodded. "The water heater needs to be set up." 

"I'm on it." 

~

Hyde stood in the foyer of the O'Connor house, helping Donna greet people. Jack was catching up with his family. They'd offered to have everyone over for dinner the night before the wedding. 

The door opened, and Forman walked in. "Oh, thank God, I have the right house," he said. "Hi, guys!" 

Donna gaped at him. "What happened to your hair? I haven't seen you in five years." 

Forman's hair was much longer, falling to his chest. He'd started growing it out a few years ago. He opened his mouth to answer, but a woman pushed him aside so she could enter the house. "You're blocking the door, Forman." 

She had tan skin and short, wavy hair. She had a lot of piercings in her ears and she was wearing an oversized button-down over her Van Halen shirt. "Sorry," Forman said. He looked at Donna and Hyde. "This is Jenna Somers, a friend from college." 

She nodded. "What's up?" 

The door opened again, and Jackie walked in. Hyde hadn't seen her in five years. Her hair was longer, but she looked mostly the same. She went straight to Donna, wrapping her in a tight hug. "Donna! This is so exciting! You're finally getting married to a good guy!" 

"Rude," Forman said. "I'm a great guy. Just not right for Donna." 

Jenna shrugged. "You're a pretty okay guy." 

He frowned at her. "I should've brought Reese as my plus one. Reese would've been supportive of me." 

Jackie separated herself from Donna. "Where's Jack?" 

"Where do you think? He's in the kitchen." 

"I gotta go talk to him. We haven't seen each other in forever." Jackie flounced off to the kitchen. 

"They're friends?" Hyde asked. 

"Yeah. Jackie visited me a bunch when I was living in Yarmouth with him, they got along really well. He helped her after her last breakup." 

"She's dated other people?" Hyde asked, somewhat surprised. He knew it was outrageous to assume that she hadn't seen anyone else, but he hadn't heard anything about it. 

"I'm so confused, man," Jenna said. 

"It's soooo much to explain," Forman said. "Let's go find somewhere to sit so I can try and catch you up." The two of them left the room. 

The door opened again, and Midge came in with a man Hyde had never met. "Oh, hi, Donna! Hello, Steven. This is my boyfriend, Jon. I met him in California." 

"Nice to meet you," Jon said. He had wavy brown hair and a thick mustache. "Donna, is your dad coming?" 

"Yeah. He's, um… Not seeing anyone right now. So try not to rub it in his face, please, mom." 

"Why would I do that? I don't want to rub anything in his face, he's all oily." Midge smiled. "Where's Jack's mother? I wanted to talk to her, y'know, mother to mother."

"I don't know how well that's gonna go. She doesn't speak a lot of English. You're better off talking to Jack's dad." 

"But I don't want to talk to his dad, I want to talk to his mom!" 

"Why don't you go ahead, love, I'll be right there," Jon said, lightly pushing Midge towards the hallway. She walked off, leaving Jon alone with them. "I've learned to just let her do what she says she's gonna do. She figures it out eventually." 

"How do you manage to do it?" Hyde asked. Donna gave him a look. "It's a valid question, Donna, the woman can't follow a conversation for even a minute." 

"Patience. I just let her talk and support her ideas. And I love her a damn lot, which is really necessary at times." Jon focused on Donna. "So, what languages does your soon-to-be mother in law speak?" 

"Irish, Scots Gaelic, and Italian. Her father is Italian and her mother is Scottish, then they moved to Ireland when she was young, so she speaks a lot of languages." 

"I know a little bit of Italian, so we'll see how it goes," Jon smiled brightly, clapped Hyde on the shoulder, did the same to Donna, then walked down the hall. 

"He's definitely… a step dad kind of guy," Hyde said. 

"Shut up," Donna said, laughing. "We should probably make sure there are no major inter-family issues before the wedding." She walked after Jon, and Hyde followed her. 

~

"You're getting married! This is so exciting!" Jackie hugged Donna tightly from behind. Donna smiled. "And your marriage is gonna go so much better than mine, I can feel it." 

"No offense, but it would be really hard for my marriage to go worse than yours." 

"Oh, so Jack's not planning on running away to the Bahamas?" 

"I don't think so, no." 

"Then I can almost guarantee you won't get divorced." Jackie laughed. "I really am happy for you, though. Jack's a great guy, I can tell he really loves you." 

"Yeah. Y'know, I'm not even nervous," Donna said. 

"That's good." 

Meanwhile… 

Hyde and Cal were patting Jack's back as he nearly hyperventilated in the back of the church. "Man, what's wrong with you?" Cal asked. 

"Why is she marrying me? All I have to offer is disabilities. I get a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful woman and she gets a guy with one leg and PTSD. This hardly seems fair," Jack said. 

"Well, we should call the wedding off, then," Hyde said. "I mean, why would Donna almost marry you with that reasoning? And to think she really loves you." 

Cal took a less subtle route. "You're being a fucking dumbass. She loves you, PTSD and all. She wouldn't have said yes to the engagement if she didn't. And you're not less than any other guy 'cause of your disabilities, fuckwit." 

"Exactly," Hyde said. "My ex-wife was legally blind. She could still see, but… y'know, she wasn't allowed to drive." 

Jack chuckled. "Ah, so that's how you managed to get married." 

Hyde smiled. "See, you can do this. You love Donna, Donna loves you. Soon, you're gonna be married and you won't even be thinking about these worries you have now." 

Jack nodded. "Okay. Okay. I can do this." 

"That's the spirit!" Cal clapped him on the back. "And Hyde, save a dance for me after the wedding." 

"Of course. I'm gonna go find my seat." 

~

Eric sat next to Jenna in one of the church's pews. Jenna was wearing a black dress, and she looked beautiful. Eric wasn't about to say that to her, though. 

"Is it weird, being at your ex's wedding?" Jenna asked. 

Eric shrugged. "Not really. I'm happy for her. I'm glad I didn't marry her." 

"Me too," Jenna said. 

He snapped his head in her direction, about to ask what she meant by that, when the wedding procession music started. They all stood and turned to see Jackie walk down the aisle and stand on the opposite side of Jack and his sister Cal. Then Donna came down, wearing her mom's old wedding dress. She looked radiant, and she looked happy. 

Jack smiled brightly when she came up to meet him. Everyone took their seats again, and the ceremony began. 

Before Eric knew it, they were at the vows. 

"Jack… You brighten my life. You always know how to make me smile, and you know what to say when I feel down. You're my closest friend. You know me better than anyone else. I love every part of you, even the parts you don't love about yourself. I vow to love you for as long as we live." 

Jack was blushing deeply. "Donna, a chroí… I never believed I could fall in love again. Then you came and you showed me how wrong I was. I've never been happier about being wrong. You are an amazing person, inside and out. I love you no matter what. I love everything about you. I vow to love you for as long as we live." 

"You may seal these vows with a kiss," the priest said. 

They kissed, and the wedding attendees applauded. 

~

Hyde sat next to Jackie at one of the tables in the reception hall. Donna had placed them next to each other at her family and friends table. She and Jack were dancing together. Forman was talking to Jenna. Jon was leading Midge in a playful sort of partner dance.  Bob was leaning over to talk to Jack’s dad. 

Hyde turned to Jackie. “So, how have you been? It’s, uh… It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”

“Oh, you know, divorced,” she said with an embarrassed smile. 

“Me too.” 

Her jaw dropped. “Really? Steven Hyde got married?” 

He rolled his eyes, but he smiled. “Yeah, yeah. We thought it was a good idea, then we ended it after a year. Her name was Ellis.” 

Jackie nodded. “Same. I really thought Liam loved me, then on our one year anniversary he ran away to the Bahamas. When he got back, we got divorced.” 

“He sounds like an ass. And he’s stupid for ditching you.” 

Jackie gave him a look. 

He gave her a look back. “Hey, you ditched me, remember? You left without letting me answer.” 

“I didn’t leave, though. And you had a second chance to answer when I came back.” 

“But I blew it, and now we’re here, so let’s forget it.” 

“Fine.” She stared at the dance floor, where couples were paired up. She turned to him and held out her hand. "Wanna dance?" 

He smiled. "Sure." 

He took her hand and they went out to the dance floor. He placed one hand on her hip, and she put her other hand on his shoulder. "I like your suit. You never had anything this nice when we were together." 

"Ellis was a fashion designer," Hyde explained. Despite being unable to tell velvet apart from polyester without her glasses on, she had loved designing. She'd designed many nicer clothes for him since he had so few. "What did Liam do?" 

"He was a writer. He was working on a book about vampires when we were together." 

Hyde laughed a little. "Vampires, huh?" 

She laughed too. "Yep. It was terrible. He'd read chapters to me once he finished them, and God, his writing was awful." 

"Well, good thing you're not Mrs. Vampire Book Guy anymore." 

"Yeah." She pulled him a little closer. "I just realized I missed you."

"Just now?" 

"Well, I wasn't thinking about it before. I guess I kind of forgot how much I like being around you. Just in general." 

Hyde stared at her for a moment. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I missed you too." 

The song changed from Something by the Beatles to You Make Me Real by the Doors. Jackie gasped and squeezed his hand. "It's our song!" 

"It is." Hyde lifted his arm and spun her, then brought her close to him when she came back. He had always liked dancing with her. Way more than he'd liked dancing with Ellis. She smiled through the whole song. 

~

Jackie got her coat and her keys, ready to leave. Steven jogged over to her. "Can I walk you to your car?" 

"Sure," she said. 

They left the reception hall and went out to the beat-down gravel parking lot. Jackie led him over to the car she'd rented for the trip. She was spending a few extra days in Ireland after the wedding, for her own enjoyment. She'd always wanted to see Ireland, and this was her chance. 

"I, uh… I had fun dancing with you today. Thanks for not making things weird between us," he said. 

"I had fun too." She twisted her fingers together. "And why should things be weird? We dated years ago. We're both over it. We can be friends." 

"Exactly." 

They stared at each other for a moment, then they both leaned in and kissed. They parted after a second. Then Jackie wound her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a deeper kiss. His hands found her waist. They kissed as if it was the only thing in the world that mattered. 

He parted the kiss just enough to say, "Donna gave me a ride here, could I go back to the hotel with you?" 

She smiled. "Is that why you asked to walk me to my car?" 

"Maybe." 

She kissed him again. "Well, it's good you need a ride, 'cause I was gonna ask you to come back to the hotel with me anyway." 

His eyebrows rose. "Were you now?" 

"Yeah. If you want to." 

"Oh, I want to." As soon as he finished speaking, his lips were on hers again and Jackie couldn't think of anything else. 

~

Jackie cuddled against Steven in the bed of her motel room. She trailed her fingers over his stomach, tracing small patterns into his skin. "Overall… This was a pretty good wedding," she said. 

"Yeah. I'm happy for Donna and Jack. They work well together. I can see them staying together forever, like the Formans." 

"Me too. Although I don't seem to have a very good judgment of that sort of thing." 

His fingers began combing lightly through her hair. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, I thought we would stay together forever. Then I ran away. And I thought Liam and I would stay together forever, then he ran away. So I don't think I should judge Donna and Jack's potential to stay together." 

"Ah." He watched her fingers tracing hearts over his skin. "Y'know… I think it's a lot easier to tell when you're not a part of the relationship. A part of me always felt like Donna and Forman weren't meant to be. But when we were together… That was the first time I was able to see myself with someone for a long time. And look where we all are now." 

She looked up at him. "You could see yourself with me for a long time?" 

He nodded. "I also saw myself being with Ellis for a long time, so don't go thinking you're special or anything." 

She giggled. "I wouldn't dream of it." 

She kissed him softly. Even if it was only for a night, Jackie was happy to be with Steven again. It was comforting, like coming home after a long trip. Jackie decided not to think about what that really meant too much.

[justforbooks]

Philip Roth by Blake Bailey

An impressive, complex biography of the celebrated American writer, packed with anecdotes and jokes, inevitably details his shocking attitude towards women

“Idon’t want you to rehabilitate me,” Philip Roth instructed Blake Bailey. “Just make me interesting.” The headline story can’t fail to be interesting: lower-middle-class grandson of immigrants writes scandalous bestseller about masturbation, is vilified as a self-hating Jew, has two disastrous marriages and many lovers, accumulates a stupendously diverse body of work (comic, surreal, metafictional, naturalistic), comes to be seen as the greatest English-language novelist of his day yet never, to his chagrin, wins the Nobel. But Roth wanted nuances not headlines, suggesting that Bailey call his biography “The Terrible Ambiguity of the ‘I’”. Luckily, that isn’t the title. But ambiguity is central to the story, particularly in relation to Roth’s treatment of women, in life and in fiction, which is where the issue of rehabilitation arises and, as with his peers (Saul Bellow, John Updike and Norman Mailer), can’t really be avoided, least of all now.

“Always it came back to the women,” Bailey writes, the first of them Roth’s mother Bess, who, if not as suffocating as Alex Portnoy’s mother, was so adoring that no subsequent woman in his life could match up. While sharing Bess’s devotion to Philip and his brother Sandy, her husband Herman left a mark in other ways, not least through his work ethic (12-hour days, six days a week). “He who is loved by his parents is a conquistador,” Roth liked to say. Despite the antisemitism of the period, he remembered his childhood as a haven. Newark to him was like Dublin to Joyce: a place he escaped but never left.

At college he discovered the fun of writing satire and, dropping plans to become a “lawyer for the underdog”, poured his energy into short stories. “Bibliography by day, women by night” was the idea, but at 23 he met Maggie Martinson, the first of his two marital “catastrophes”. A “hard-up loser four years my senior”, whose two kids lived with her ex-husband, Martinson was worldlier and more turbulent than any previous girlfriend. But that was the point: he saw her as a test of his maturity. By the time his first book, Goodbye, Columbus, made him famous, he’d had enough. “It isn’t fair,” Maggie said, rightly suspecting that he was sleeping with other women, “You have everything and I have nothing, and now you think you can dump me!” In a ploy to hang on to him, she persuaded a pregnant woman to urinate in a jar as part of “a scientific experiment”, used the positive result to trick Roth into thinking that she was carrying his child, then agreed to have an abortion if he promised to marry her – which he duly did.

It was three years before he discovered the truth and, furious at being conned so easily, began divorce proceedings. Arguments about alimony were still going on when Maggie was killed in a car crash. His income that year was around $800,000 (the equivalent of $6m today) and her death meant he didn’t have to split it. Though relieved that the “goyish chaos” she’d wreaked was behind him, he continued to feel vindictive towards Maggie, and took his revenge in fiction, dubbing her the Monkey because of her stubby legs and having his alter ego Zuckerman express repugnance at her “withered and discoloured” vagina. Bailey’s version of events leans on Roth’s but he tempers it with extracts from Maggie’s diary, the most plaintive of them when she realises “Philip doesn’t care for me – he’s sorry for me”.

Roth’s second catastrophe, with Claire Bloom, wasn’t so much the failure of their marriage but how she wrote about it in her memoir Leaving a Doll’s House. In the flush of first love he described her as “a great emotional soul-mate” who’d rescued him from a period of excruciating pain (a back problem which plagued him throughout his life). The domestic harmony didn’t last. He disliked Bloom’s daughter Anna living with them in London. And Bloom felt isolated at Roth’s 40-acre farmhouse in rural Connecticut, which he’d bought for $110,000 when even the paperback rights to one of his worst novels earned him four times as much (it became his own Yaddo, a place to retreat and write, undisturbed – leaving Bloom at a loose end). Among many points of contention was the pass Roth made at Anna’s friend Felicity, which outraged all three women but didn’t merit much of an apology from Roth (“What’s the point of having a pretty girl in the house if you don’t fuck her”).

Most of Roth’s other relationships were with younger women: “I was forty and she was nineteen. Perfect,” he said of one, though his ideal age gap grew as he got older (“A mature woman wouldn’t take your shit,” his analyst told him). He had a theory that sexual interest wears off after two years, but his 18-year affair with “Inge”, the model for Drenka in Sabbath’s Theater, disproved it. Among those he flirted with or knew (however briefly) as friends were Jackie Kennedy, Mia Farrow, Ava Gardner and Barbra Streisand. Other lovers here go unnamed or are given pseudonyms, though not the Playboy pin-up Alice Denham (Miss July, 1956), who called him, approvingly, “a sex friend”, and not Ann Mudge, who was dropped because her “meek gentility had begun to bore him” (she subsequently attempted suicide).

Bailey doesn’t deny Roth’s “breathtaking tastelessness towards women”. And there were always goatish buddies happy to normalise the misogyny, from disgruntled divorcees whining that their wives had fleeced them, through the teaching colleague who “pimped” for him, to the artist RB Kitaj who would fax him “dashed-off sketches of the decorous Anita Brookner, say, giving blow jobs”.

If Roth admirers will find this hard to take, detractors can’t ignore how connubial and generous he could be; how ex-lovers spoke warmly of him and visited his bedside when he was dying; and how female writers (including Zadie Smith, Nicole Krauss and Mary Karr) are among his biggest fans. “I don’t like the way he writes about women,” Nell Freudenberger said in a 2012 poll that voted him America’s greatest living novelist, “and I don’t like the way I sound complaining about it.” When the complaints began 40 years ago, Roth raged against them (“Hysterical fear of the dick. Feminism as the new righteousness”) then took them on board, using fiction to dramatise rather than repudiate.

“To let the repellent in” was a manifesto of his. And if honesty about male sexual desire got him into trouble, he accepted it as a price worth paying. Portnoy’s Complaint began the process and Sabbath’s Theater rounded it off. In later novels – American Pastoral, The Plot Against America and his last, Nemesis, a plague novella – the libido plays less of a part and they’re arguably the better for it. Where the young Roth determinedly killed off the Nice Jewish Boy he’d been brought up as, the ageing Roth was nostalgic for his childhood and adolescence.

Bailey’s account of the last years is touching. Having announced his retirement from writing, Roth talked of “rambling happily into oblivion”, his battles behind him. New awards came. Old friendships were revived. Young women still appeared on his arm but nothing happened in bed beyond cuddles. Asked for his thoughts on the Nobel prize for literature going to Bob Dylan rather than to him, he joked: “It’s OK, but next year I hope Peter, Paul and Mary get it.” When Lisa Halliday’s portrait of him as the elderly Ezra Blazer appeared in her novel Asymmetry shortly before his death, he approved.

He would approve of this biography, too, not because it’s partial but because Bailey’s industriousness is on a par with his own. With a “mile of files” and boxes to work through, it’s a miracle that he has published so lucid a book just three years after Roth’s death – and one so packed with good anecdotes and jokes, including one at his own expense when Roth took a toilet break during their interviews (“I sat on his studio couch, listening to our greatest living novelist empty his bladder, and reflected that this was about as good as it gets for an American literary biographer”). Among the documents he quotes from is “Notes for My Biographer”, a 295-page rejoinder to Bloom that Roth planned to publish till friends and lawyers talked him out of it. Bailey relies on this more than he should, unfairly dismissing her memoir as “scurrilous”. But given how determined Roth was to control his posthumous reputation, after falling out with his first official biographer, Ross Miller (nephew of Arthur), it’s an achievement for Bailey to have gained as much distance as he has.

The frequency with which Roth fell out with people he loved (friends, editors, agents, fellow authors) is just one of the many ambiguities here. The man who liked to quote Flaubert’s dictum “Be orderly and regular in your life like a bourgeois” was drawn to the manic and bacchanalian; published 31 books but found writing novels “a ghastly protracted slog”; studiously avoided having children but doted on other people’s; spoke only English but was passionate on behalf of non-English writers, especially novelists from eastern Europe. Above all there was his attitude to women, which a hagiographer would try to excuse as typical of the era and an enemy would liken to Harvey Weinstein’s, but was too uniquely Rothian to be either. “Why do you want to characterise me … as some sort of heartless rapist manqué?” the Roth character Tarnopol scolds his psychiatrist Dr Spielvogel in My Life As a Man. Some critics will use this biography to do just that. But the story is more complex – and a lot more interesting.

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[iluvtv2much]

Guess Who's Back?

Notes: Debra Morgan x Hannah McKay x fem!reader. AU and maybe a bit out of character? Brief mention of blood but that's all I can think of tbh? (and crude language with very brief sexual stuff so probs mdni)

Summary: When your Ex comes back after getting out of prison, you should've known that she wasn't just dropping in to say hi.

Word Count: 1.6k

Comments: This is sooo niche, but I totally wrote this cus I decided to go back and actually finish the final season of Dexter. This is what happens when I let myself keep writing... and honestly never would have written this if c.ai hadn't increased the character limit on intros lol. This is literally my first time writing fanfic thisss long. So cut me some slack please. I'm not a real writer and I'm just trying my best out here. Also, I can only read this over so many times, so if something slipped through, how unfortunate 😔.

Made a bot for this on c.ai. Obviously not completely the same, but same scenario made to fit the site. It's the first bot I've made with two characters so...I hope it works lol. Here it is! (it's got a whack pfp but I tried 😅)

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Your ex-girlfriend and your current one couldn’t be more fucking different- even if you met them both through Dexter when you still worked part time as his babysitter whenever Jaime needed a break. But they were like fire and ice. Hannah literally went to prison for murder (granted, one of those was to protect you, and the other was to protect herself?), and Deb was a goddamn cop (and part of the team that took Hannah to prison sooo…awkward!). And, okay, Deb used to be a cop. Lately she’d loosened up a bit, but that wasn’t really her fault because Dexter had done a number on her. Anyway, it was just supposed to be a normal Friday evening and you and Deb were on the couch in your living room when there was a knock on your door. It was Hannah. She was supposed to still be locked up. Parole for “good behavior” apparently, which probably meant something else knowing her.

Deb never let you hear the end of it about Hannah either. About how you could have possibly loved someone like that. How you knew what she was and still stayed with her for so long. But arguing was pointless, so you always just shrugged and said you were stupid and that Hannah was your biggest mistake. No matter how fucking wrong that was. For Deb’s sake it’s what she needed to hear.

Now Hannah stood in your doorway casually. Her arms were crossed, blonde hair perfectly styled and settled over her exposed shoulder because of course she showed up wearing the cutest tank top imaginable. It was like 90 degrees outside and even though Hannah recently got out of prison, she still wanted to make a good impression. Oh, and she knew you were a sucker for this look too. Her piercing blue eyes met your gaze the second you opened the door, and for a moment it felt just like old times. But they instantly cut past you to the woman on your couch the moment she saw her from the corner of her eye. She’d expected you to move on. But Debra fucking Morgan? That stung a little.

“Hate to crash your cozy little... date night, is it? But I got arrested so fast, I think you still have some of my stuff? Unless you threw it out but we both know you wouldn’t”

Of course you hadn’t throw her stuff out. How could you? There was way too much of it anyway. And some of the things... even Deb didn’t know you still had. You sighed with a slow nod, sounding exhausted by her very presence.

"Yea. Yea I do still have all of it. You picked a great time to stop by- honestly. Just- stay and play nice will you? I'll try to be quick"

You looked between Deb and Hannah, hoping for the best as you were about to leave them alone together, and headed out to the garage to dig out the boxes you’d packed her stuff into. What could possibly go wrong leaving your ex-girlfriend who had literally murdered to protect you in the same room as Deb. Right?

Deb felt Hannah's stare before she even turned her head from the couch to look at her. So, she got up, awkward as hell, and grabbed a beer from the fridge just to do something to avoid dealing with Hannah. But when she shut the fridge door and tried to turn around, Hannah was right there, pinning her to the cold metal, one hand digging into her arm, the other tipping her chin to get a good look at her.

“So, she picked you? Must say I’m surprised… But either way, here’s the thing- I bet you think everything’s fine with her. Perfect, even. But tell me, has she really shown you who she is? I mean think about it. Why else would she ever pick me, love me…fuck me over and over and overrr again if there wasn’t some part of her that…understood me? You must think she’s perfect? I mean, yea, she is. But she’s hiding something from you, trust me. It’s just not my secret to tell.”

Deb scoffed at how casually Hannah stared into her soul, talking about you like you were some unhinged psychopath just like her. Deb tried to push Hannah off, but she was deceptively strong so she didn’t budge an inch.

“She’s fine, alright? I know her, and she fucking regrets ever falling for your psycho ass-"

That made Hannah laugh. Low. Dangerous. But she didn’t like that word, only you could ever use it to describe her, nobody else. Because when it left your tongue, it wasn’t an insult. It was just out of love and it also sounded ridiculously hot. She pressed Deb back against the fridge harder, and leaned in closer, voice like a blade wrapped in silk, as her lips ghosted over Deb’s with a hint of venom that only Hannah possessed because she just had a way of making you freeze up if you weren’t ready. And Deb wasn’t ready. All that police training left her body the moment Hannah leaned in and moved to whisper into her ear:

"Sure. Keep telling yourself that. But you don’t know half the shit we got up to. The things she’s done for me…the things I’ve done for her. It’s an unbreakable bond me and her, and if you and the cops hadn’t-"

Hannah winced closing her eyes, remembering the look on your face when she told you there was no way out for her and that the cops finally had her dead to rights. After everything her biggest regret was simply getting caught because her victims deserved it, but getting caught was the moment she had to let you go. Hannah took a breath before resuming like she hadn’t missed a beat:

“She’ll get bored of you, eventually. You’re not exciting. You don’t make her heart race. I can already tell. You? You’re just... too boring for her. Let’s be honest though, everyone kind of is compared to me.”

That sly smile- God, Deb wanted to punch her. Should’ve. But before she could move- Hannah’s mouth was on hers, and Deb froze. Whether it was shock or something else, Deb was stuck in the middle of whatever fucked up game Hannah wanted to play, and right now that involved kissing.

Deb didn’t really know what was happening, but Hannah’s embrace was smothering, one hand slipping under her top to press flat and hard against her stomach, keeping her pinned in place against the fridge while Hannah’s other hand grabbed the nape of her neck as her lips moved against Deb’s, her tongue slowly searching for an entrance. Even if Deb wanted to pull away, there was nowhere for her head to go and she was just wrapped into the moment. Deb could almost see what you saw in her.

Then you stepped back into the kitchen. Taking in the sight and setting the first box aside back onto the ground, almost unsurprised but not exactly hiding the annoyance on your face like you knew Hannah would try to pull some shit like this. You only mumbled under your breath because yelling was only going to play into her hands.

"Why am I not surprised..."

Hannah didn’t flinch. Didn’t stop when she heard you. But she did bite Deb’s lip hard, drawing blood, before pulling away and letting her go. Then Hannah just looked at you and smiled as her fingers still ghosted over Deb’s waist like it meant nothing. But you knew Hannah better than anyone because she was flashing you that smile while Deb winced from the bite and tried to catch her breath from whatever had just happened. Against all logic her body felt like it was on fire and she was trying her hardest to put it out.

“Oops? In my defense. For an ex-cop she really didn’t even try to fight back. I expected more…resistance honestly.”

Hannah smiled at you and looked back at Deb who was still trying to get her head on straight as she wiped some blood off her lip with the back of her hand and finally managed to blabber out something that resembled coherent words:

"It wasn’t what it looked like! She, she just- fuuuckk"

Hannah had to butt in of course, almost offended that she was being blamed for something she so obviously did.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic. I didn’t even bite you that hard. Maybe you have a weak fucking lip. she’s had wayyy worse than that! I mean there was-"

You just held a hand up to shut them both up, Deb did not need to hear about whatever Hannah was about spill. You simply rubbed your temples between your fingers before looking back at Hannah’s nonchalant posture. Unfortunately, you knew exactly what Hannah was up to. She didn’t come here to get her stuff. She came here for you. Deb was just in the way. Problem was…Hannah could never resist riling you up. She always liked seeing your heart race, regardless of the reason, and what better way to do that than mess with your girlfriend. Right? When you met her eyes, she looked at you expectantly. Like it was your turn to say something and god did she hope that you would make the right choice because she did not come all this way to leave with a car trunk full of her stuff. Surely there was something in that box that you just brought out that would remind you of the good times you and Hannah had. On that couch. On the kitchen counter, against that window… Hannah wanted to see if you’d missed her at all, because if you did? Well, there was no reason the three of you couldn’t find a way to make things work. For everyone’s benefit. Right?

Hannah cleared her throat, breaking through your racing thoughts with a faux innocence in her voice that you’d grown familiar with. Prison hadn’t changed her one bit apparently, and you were weirdly relieved about that. Because she was never a mistake that needed to be fixed. Not to you.

“I just wanted to get your attention again. Do I have it yet?”

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If anyone read all that...thank you 🫶. I don't know what I'll write about going forward...it's just kind of an inspiration thing but I had this written out so thought that I might as well put it out here.

[pyroreadscomics]

The Problem with Black Mask in Catwoman (2018)

(Spoilers below for the following Catwoman stories: Relentless, Backwards Masking, Catwoman: Blackest Night, Keeper of the Castle/Inheritance, and naturally Tini Howard’s run on Catwoman)

(Also, I wrote this on the Catwoman discord months ago, so some of this may be a little out of date but my points still stand.)

When it comes to Catwoman and Black Mask, it is very very very important that these two fucking hate each other. They loathe each other. They despise each other to move mountains to fuck up the other. The only reason it isn't on sight is because that's too quick.

And the reason this is important to me, is because it means Relentless is still canon.

Because they didn't start out hating each other, they first went at each other Selina didn't even know she was robbing Black Mask of millions in diamonds and Black Mask only went after Catwoman to send a message to people thinking of stealing his shit. Then Relentless happened. In which Black Mask hospitalized one of Selina's friends, kidnapped another, killed her brother in law, and tortured Maggie into a catatonic state that lasted over fifteen fucking years (out of universe, in universe it was probably like… four or five). Meanwhile Catwoman hospitalized his second in command, blew up his penthouse, and dropped him off said penthouse's balcony. Needless to say, they both held fucking grudges.

(Catwoman (2002) #16)

And that was before all their future showdowns. Black Mask tortured her ex during round two, tried to torture Maggie to death during round 3, and killed her girlfriend's father in the New 52. Catwoman for her part has killed this fucker four times (Dropped off Penthouse Balcony in Relentless, shot through head in Backwards Masking, tag teamed by the Gotham City Sirens in Blackest Night, Throat slit and left bleeding out alone in the dark in the New 52) (If you haven’t noticed, Catwoman's no kill rule has an asterisk and that asterisk is called Black Mask). They should, if continuity exists, hate each other more strongly than anyone else.

(Catwoman (2002) #52, Catwoman (2002) #83, Catwoman (2011) #45)

And yet.

If you were going of Tini Howard's run, you'd think they'd have no more history then any other pair of a long standing vigilante and rogue.

And I had hope, when Black Mask first shows up he has this line:

"Catwoman! At my favourite nudie bar? Once I put a bullet in your head, this'll just be like that great dream I keep having."

Which... along being real gross made me think Tini Howard was preserving the history between these two because why earth wouldn't you and also... why else could Black Mask killing Catwoman specifically be a reoccurring fantasy?

But now, 18 issues into the run, and after the second big confrontation between these two... there's no references to their history. Specifically, there's no references to Relentless, and that's insane. Sure there's the occasional line, like that introductory one I quoted earlier, or his "I love seeing it so much I'm not even pissed about being compared to her" that he says when witnessing Eiko's fake betrayal of Catwoman that imply a special animosity. But by that point, she's stolen and blown up his mask which for Black Mask is reason enough to despise her. Meanwhile from Selina's side the reason she hates Black Mask... is because of Kristi, the stripper who kicked him in the head to help Selina escape and who was killed in retaliation for it (also he's just generally a chauvinistic creepy). And that would work for both of them as reasons to hate the other especially, were it any other pair of vigilante and rogue. Were it not Black Mask and Catwoman.

Like, ignoring everything else, these two have done to each other. Ignoring Black Mask killing Eiko's father, forcing Selina to okay the assassination of her own cousin, permanently scaring Slam, Blackest Night (not least because I don't think their showdown during that event is canon anymore), and ignoring the 3 other times Selina has killed the fucker (if for no other reason then explaining how he's still walking around upright), one thing remains: Relentless needs to be canon.

And not even Relentless as a whole (but yes Relentless as a whole because it's just good). You can take away Slam getting hit and run, Holly getting kidnapped, you can even take way Simon's death and Sylvia's betray. What happened to Maggie, as much as I personally, hated it, is fundamental to Catwoman. It is the single most defining tragedy of Selina's adult life and it's not close. It haunts her, almost literally.

Whenever it is canon (which isn't always, thanks New 52) that failure to save Maggie, and the guilt that follows, is referenced over and over again. It's brought up half a dozen times in Volume 3 alone, images of Maggie's dead eyed face appearing in Selina's thoughts. And then following Maggie's post rebirth recanonization, not only is Maggie present throughout the first three years worth of issues, flashbacks to Relentless, to Maggie's trauma, are shown twice, once in issue 4 in Jones's run, and once in issue 32 in V's run.

And that's not even it, because Maggie in this series is doing a slow burn recovery from mental trauma, which she got from Black Mask and it's not ambiguous. In issue 10, Maggie speaks a full sentence for the first time and it's because Selina triggered a flashback to Black Mask making her eat her husband's eye. And that flashback in issue 32? It includes specific details of Relentless that sometimes get lost in the shuffle like Sylvia's involvement, and Slam's hospitalization and what Holly did. Not only was the general "Hey Black Mask tortured Maggie" bit that everyone knows canon, the specific details of that story were canon.

(Catwoman (2018) #32)

Relentless was canon, not six issues before Howard took over. And yet... There's a single scene in Howard's run on Catwoman so far that references Maggie. It's while Selina is in prison, I've included the panel but the short of it is Selina dreams of Maggie as a silent nun she confesses her sins to.

(Catwoman (2018) #52)

In a Catwoman run where the main antagonist is Black Mask, there is no mention of the most important story to canon of Catwoman (outside of her frequently non-canon origin) where he appeared. I don't even know how to articulate how baffling and concerning a narrative decision this is. The closest I can get is this:

Imagine, if you will, a 18 issue run of Batman where the Joker was the primary antagonist. And then, when you got to the end of those 18 issues, and had seen multiple clashes, major and minor, between these two, seen them each plot against each other and ruminate at length about why they hate each other, you got to the end, put that story down, contemplated for moment and then asked: Hey, is 'A Death in the Family' still canon?

It would be utterly insane to doubt that for a second, it's such a fundamental story to the character, it's a structural support pillar for the character's entire canon post that event... and yet.

and yet…

(Also, while this post is about Selina and Roman dynamic, it’s also absolutely wild that this run reintroduces Eiko, makes multiple references to Valentine’s run, and has Eiko and Black Mask sharing multiple scenes, and yet it never once mentions that Black Mask murdered Eiko’s father.)

[knightyoomyoui]

UPCOMING SET 6 (...AND FINAL?) LINE-UP

HERE’S MY UPCOMING SET 6 LINE-UP TO BE RELEASED IN THE FUTURE!!! Just a reminder tho, Set 5 isn’t done yet. We still have two one-shots for Chaeyoung, one each for male and female readers. I just released this earlier because I had these prepared quicker than I expected. Notes:  - All individual and unit one-shots will be gender neutral from now on.  - This is probably my final line-up of upcoming one-shot works, I'm not sure yet but... I'll just place it like this because I've been thinking of ending the book now for some reasons. - Some of these stories were requested by my readers. Again, thank you so much for helping me come up with new ideas to try. - For the first time, I wrote a summary so that you all would get a sneak peek of what to expect in each of the new stories I’ll be writing, except for the Cry For Me series. I’ll keep it hidden because I already started it on Set 5 anyway, so it’s up to you to learn what’s going to happen in the upcoming parts.

 1.) Tzuyu x M & F Reader - “The One That Got Away” (Fluff, Angst)

- 70-year-old Chou Tzuyu revisited her love story with her husband/wife YN to share with her grandchildren on the day of their anniversary. 

 2.) TWICE x M Reader - “Cry For Me” : PART 3 (Angst) 

 3.) Nayeon x M & F Reader - “No Problem” (Fluff)

- It follows YN who lost his/her job after the company where he/she works officially shuts down their service. His/her girlfriend, Nayeon who is getting suspicious of his/her mood, learns about the news, and proceeds to take action immediately to cheer him/her up. 

 4.) Jeongyeon x M & F Reader - “Won't Go Home Without You” (Fluff, Angst)

 - YN and his/her group embark on a mission to attempt to bring back their former teammate and old friend who switched to the dark side, Yoo Jeongyeon. 

 5.) Momo x M Reader - “Crazy Stupid Love” (Fluff, Angst) [Requested by: Dumbledore_1]

- Following the events of "Somebody That I Used To Know" from Set 4, YN and Momo cross paths once again a few years later; where the improved and matured character of YN takes it as his/her opportunity to apologize for what he/she'd done to his ex-girlfriend in their past relationship. 

 6.) TWICE x M Reader - “Cry For Me” : PART 4 (Angst) 

 7.) Sana x M & F Reader - “I Want It That Way”  (Fluff, Angst) [Requested by: ShaShaSha029]

- A story between the student council president and the school’s princess. After a bad break-up with his ex, YN finds him/herself alone with Nayeon in the Council room. She ask him/her to be his fake boy/girlfriend so that the school jock could leave her alone. 

 8.) Jihyo x M & F Reader - “Opposite Attracts”  (Fluff, Angst) [Requested by: ShaShaSha029]

- The heirs of two conglomerate corporations, YN LN and Park Jihyo are to be wed in an arranged marriage. Only problem is that they don’t have a thing in common, they are literally the opposites of each other. Can they make it work? Or will they be forced to be together by their parents? 

 9.) Mina x M & F Reader - “Bewitched” (Fluff, Angst) [Requested by: YourHeartStation]

- The story revolves around the rival students YN LN and Myoui Mina who studies and trains their magical powers in a wizarding academy. Their bickering and outshining each other came to a point where they accidentally unleashed chaos around the academy, and it's up to the two unlikely allies to fix their mess together, which unknown to them; it would open the possibility of them getting enchanted more to each other's unescapable charms. 

 10.) TWICE x M Reader - “Cry For Me” : PART 5 (Angst) 

 11.) Dahyun x M & F Reader - “The Second Coming” (Fluff, Angst)

- YN is a retired superhero who has a tragic past, as he suffered guilt and despair due to the loss of his/her friend and sidekick after failing a mission. One day, he met a fan who idolizes her named Kim Dahyun; who is also a secret superhuman just like him/her; proposing an offer of partnership with him/her when a new foe emerged to annihilate the city of Seoul. 

 12.) Chaeyoung x M & F Reader - “Presa Prinsesa (Strawberry Princess)" (Fluff, Angst)

- The story follows the fanboy/girl story of YN, a die-hard ONCE and a huge TWICE Chaeyoung stan. He/she loves everything about the idol a lot, even considering her as his/her celebrity crush. The admiration causes him/her sometimes to imagine being in a relationship with the idol despite already saddened by the early acceptance of a reality that it's too impossible to happen. 

 13.) Tzuyu x M & F Reader - "The Red Thread Of Fate"  (Fluff, Angst) [Requested by: ShaShaSha029]

- Two childhood friends were separated when Y/N had to move to Australia. They see each other again at JYPE when Y/N was casted. However, when they meet again they’ve forgotten each other, especially Y/N doesn’t remember as he had amnesia from when he got into an accident when he was a kid. 

 14.) TWICE x M Reader - "Cry For Me" PART 6  (Angst)

 15.) NaSaMi (Nayeon, Sana, & Mina) x M & F Reader - "You Belong With Me" (Fluff, Angst) [Requested by: misamomixmaknae]

- Two women who have a history with YN from his/her past relationships, Im Nayeon and Minatozaki Sana; have to encounter another contender when they learn that YN met an artist named Myoui Mina, who shares the same interests as him/her that develops their closeness to one another. With this, the three of them must compete to win YN's heart. 

 16.) TWICE x M Reader - "Cry For Me" PART 7 (FINALE) (Angst)

[teriwrites]

Downstairs, 4 Hawthorn Rd.: Part 2

My Live Reactions to Reading Through My 2021 Novella

Response Roulette - Avery Schofield

‘Avery‘s phone rattled against the coffee table as it alerted an incoming text. With an angry grunt, she let herself slouch down in her armchair, stretching out with her foot to kick the phone onto the floor. “Avery?” Morgan asked from the couch. “ everything good?” “That’s the 10th text you’ve gotten in two minutes,” Ellie added. “One more and it goes out the window.” Avery reached to grab one of the couches decorative pillows, and threw it over her face. With a muffled shout, she doubled over. “ I can’t believe he’s doing this again!” (I wonder who could be texting her!)

“I can’t believe you haven’t blocked him yet,” Ellie said with a click of her tongue. “Please tell me you’re not actually responding to this dickhead.” ellie is not here for this guy

Not Avery being like ‘but when I don’t, he just blows up my phone’

Girl please

^that’s basically the reaction of everyone in the house

The only reason Avery entertains it is because her mutual group of friends with her ex is still closer with him, so she feels like to be their friend, she has to acknowledge him

‘A loud thud echoed in the spacious living room as Morgan tossed her textbook onto the ground. “That’s it. Here’s what we’re going to do.” Morgan's plan was as chaotic and bold as only she could dare to be. Something about calling his mom.’ (honestly yeah do that)

Avery is not down

But she is willing for them to help her craft a text

‘Avery had always known that keeping in contact with the ex-boyfriend was a mistake, but it wasn’t until she saw the judgment on her friends faces that she realized just how weird it was. Thankfully, the judgment wasn’t for her. “I always knew he was a little annoying from practice,” Morgan said, “but, God, this guy is the worst.” (yes, he is based off an all-too-real guy)

‘Ellie pointed at something on the screen. “Look, here. He texted you nothing but ‘Avery’… twenty-six times in a row before you responded and asked him to stop because you were in class. And then he responded immediately to ask about lunch plans!” also devastatingly real

Avery revealing this started a month after their breakup bc he’d decided long enough had passed for them to be friends again - NOT accurate, the Second this guy and my roommate broke up, he decided they were friends, regardless of what she said

This guy was also friends with me and another of my housemates, which complicated things bc he started relying heavily on us to handle his breakdown from the whole situation

It ultimately culminated in my housemate (his closest friend of our group) having to send him like a friendship breakup text, thus this story

Avery being confronted with the ‘do you want to see your mutual friend group or you wouldn’t mind seeing them?’

Her actual story revolving around this relationship really was fictional, though - a group of friends who considered her more the girlfriend of a friend than an actual friend

:(

Morgan being the first to draft up a text is a choice for sure

“How’s this? ‘Hey moron, stfu before I send Morgan over to kill you. Never message me again, I literally can’t stand you, XOXO Avery’ He’ll know what it means.” “Are there other meanings?” Ellie smirked, while Avery dove for the phone. “Come on, Avery, here’s what I actually wrote.” Morgan passed it over. Avery stared at it for a second. “That’s… exactly what you just said.” “Yeah, I think it’ll work!” (as I said lol)

Avery chose not to go with that one

But everyone is insisting she be direct god bless

Ellie is next in the draft

“Here’s what I got. ‘I appreciate the offer to participate in Friendsgiving, but I won’t be able to make it. It’s safe to say that I won’t be available for any future events, so don’t worry about reaching out.’” A beat. “Ellie, that sounds like an email.” “A little formal, don’t you think?” “How is that any better than my idea?” Morgan demanded. “At least I told him to leave you alone!” (and she’s the English major smh)

And finally: Claire, who actually works with Avery to draft something up

“‘Sorry, but I’m not going to make it to Friendsgiving. If I’m being real, I don’t feel comfortable at hangouts anymore, because you keep ignoring the boundaries I try to set. I’ve tried to give you extra chance chances whenever it happens, but you’ve made it clear that you’re not interested in respecting them. Please stop sending me random texts, or my next move is going to be blocking you.’”

Classic case of moving to delete the text but fumbling and sending it instead

Avery freaks out but they’re so happy for her 💕

The clear way to calm her down is sharing their least favorite things about her Ex

‘Morgan ultimately won out. “How about the time Avery traveled three hours to watch one of our races, and after he’d gotten fourth, he completely ignored her and went out with our teammates to get plastered?”oh this dude Sucks

That story also coinciding with the first time Avery and Morgan spoke 🥹

‘She couldn’t wait to never talk to him again.’ Yeeeeeeeeahh good for her

A Cardboard Christmas - Claire Weston

Waking up to classes being cancelled is better than literally any drug

'6:10AM. Definitely too early to be getting out of bed. And beneath the time, there was a new message from the school. 'Due to inclement weather, all classes at Rutherford University are cancelled today, Friday, Dec. 7.' Claire nearly leapt out of her bed at the sight of it. She would've, if not for the threat of bare feet on freezing floorboards. Rutherford never cancelled classes during winter. No matter how much snowfall or bad windstorms or whatever else threatened the students on their way to classes, they had to be there just the same. Maybe once or twice a year or so, they'd get delayed due to ice on the roads, but in her nearly two and a half years in Fairview, Claire had only ever once seen a full day of classes cancelled. And that time it was for a blizzard that made news across the country. And on a Friday!' (yeah that was the vibe at our school lol although we did receive snow days maybe once or twice a year for the ice)

Fun fact: the town that I went to school in couldn't use salt on the roads because it'd get so cold that the salt was ineffective, so instead they had a mix of dirt/sand that they'd scatter over the roads to help with traction

Aww a shout-out to Pillsbury sugar cookies

Also a shout-out to Star Trek, which was definitely me flipping my love of Star Wars for the story lol

Claire actually sleeps until 9:30 dw she's not jumping out of bed at 6AM

And guess who else is up?

'Morgan burst into the room. "Did you see the text?" dw she did knock and get permission to enter

Morgan wants to fully take the opportunity to celebrate the holiday season, Claire is a little less eager

"We are not putting Ellie's fairy lights on the trees outside. We'd manage to burn everything down again." Morgan pinched the bridge of her nose. "For the last time, we didn't burn anything down with the watermelon. It barely even counted as an explosion." "Tell that to my tires!" "The dent has basically been filled in anyways-" "-the crater around the dent, on the other hand-" "-anyways, we can just hang the lights up in the living room, then." (love a call back)

Morgan insisting they go to the store, Claire just staring out the window at the snow and ice

"Are you suggesting we go out in that?" "It's not that bad." "They cancelled classes!" "Well, not everybody has four-wheel drive on their cars," Morgan shrugged, as though that was the only reason the administration would've cancelled an entire day of school. "Come on, you know I can drive in snow. I'm from-" "Being from Boston does not automatically grant you the ability to drive in snow," Claire interrupted. Morgan crossed the room to throw herself next to Claire. "Come on! I'll drive slow, I promise. And Walmart isn't even that far." Claire sighed. The idea of decorating the house was tempting, and, really, if the plows had come through, it couldn't be that bad. "Fine." (just a PSA to not be stupid, kids!)

They get there and back just fine but also rip to those Walmart employees that had to go to work that day

A shout-out to the micro-spikes my friend got us for Christmas one year, only for me to immediately lose them

'The result was what looked like an explosion of holiday spirit, spilling out over their coffee table, couch, armchair, side table, ottoman, and every other surface in the room. White paper with scissors to prep snowflakes. Red and green ribbons to make scarves on popsicle stick snowmen. Two of the leftovers sat next to the empty planter that had once held Claire's small, now dead, succulent. With a couple googly eyes and a red marker, it could pull off a decent Rudolph.' what's funny about this is that my friends and i literally never decorated for Christmas. we Did decorate for Halloween, though, but it was pretty lazily putting up some cut-out bats and owls and spiders lol

They spend awhile working on everything, with Avery and Ellie both still in their rooms past 1PM

'With everything else done, there was only one thing left to do. The back corner of the kitchen was empty. Had always been empty. Aside from a few windows that overlooked the back corner of the house, it was free of counters or cabinets or tables. Which had made it the perfect place for four young women moving into a new house to store their extra cardboard. Every few weeks, someone would complain about the clutter. More often than not, it was Claire, but she'd had a vision as Morgan described her ideas in Walmart. Suddenly, the bane of her messy little home would be the centerpiece of their work.' (this is accurate, except make it the mudroom instead of the kitchen)

Ellie steps out of her room (which is right off the kitchen), sees her two housemates tearing into cardboard boxes, stares blankly at them, makes her coffee, and goes right back into her room lol

After crafting all of their pieces in the kitchen, Claire and Morgan hurry into the front room to put it together, and then run back to their rooms to feign innocence

And Avery emerges like moments later

"Very funny, guys!" called Avery. "Who taped a cardboard Christmas tree to my door?" Claire peeked out her door to find Morgan up the hall doing the same thing. "A cardboard what?" Morgan asked, turning to wink at Claire. "Hilarious, Morgan, I know it was you!" Avery almost sounded mad, but when the whole house had gathered into the front room, she had to admit that the overlaying pieces of cardboard and colorful decorations really added to the ambience of the room.' (make the Christmas tree my friend's first initial, and this did in fact happen. I was Ellie in this case, stepping into our front room to see the two of them crouched by our roommate's door and finishing assembling a mural of cardboard)

They all are gonna sit around and watch Christmas movies, lovely

Morgan is a mint chocolate chip ice cream girly, which she inherited from me for sure

Her devastation over running out is also my own

'Morgan had broken free of her paralysis. "Well, I need to go get some more. Anybody coming with?" Avery emerged from her room, throw tied around her shoulders like a cape. "You're going out?" "Well, I can't not have mint ice cream," Morgan answered, like that was all the explanation they needed. "Mo, we just went out in that blizzard for all this, and we barely made it back." Claire waved a hand around the room. "You're seriously going to go back to Walmart just for a carton of ice cream? In a blizzard?" Morgan stared blankly. "Is that a question?" Claire was still looking for the words to respond when Ellie cut in. "I'm down." The room swiveled to face her. "What?" Ellie shrugged. "I could use some more Rocky Road." (this is also a very real thing that happened - my friend and I did in fact go out in a blizzard to drive halfway across town to get ice cream. in our defense, it was far superior ice cream to anything Walmart stocks)

Claire dramatically thinking back on all the adventures they've had over the years, stretching out the silence, and then thinks for one brief second about the humiliation of being dragged across the ice on their back lot and immediately goes, 'nah, have fun though!'

Game of Cat and Mouse - Ellie McNamara

"This isn't exactly the welcome back I was anticipating." i wonder what that could mean!

'Ellie had been back in downstairs, 4 Hawthorn Rd for all the time it took to walk three steps into the kitchen, and she was greeted with the sight of Avery and Claire standing on chairs, horror etched onto both of their faces. "Get up on something!" Claire shrieked, crouched just low enough to slide one of the other chairs across the floor. Ellie leaned her suitcase against the shoe rack. "Why?" "They're back!" For a moment, Ellie was about to ask who, but then the realization hit her. Without another word, she dove for the chair and scrambled up to join her friends, even ignoring the light smack of her head against the low ceiling as she stood up.' (yk this might be more intriguing if i didn't give the short story that particular name lol)

Yeah, they have mice

Welcome to their Spring Semester!!

And the mousetraps are all the way across the kitchen, whatever will they do!

'Ellie repressed a sigh. The price to pay for being the tall friend. "Fine, I'll check. The oven [where the mouse was seen] is on the other side of the room, so it should be fine. But keep an eye on it, just in case?" "Don't be a martyr, Ellie," Avery cried out from her position nearest the oven. Whipping around, Ellie gave a stiff nod, and jumped to the floor.' (🫡)

'Ellie got very little sleep that night. Between the fear of hearing mice in her walls and the reality of having had way too much caffeine after 8PM (or was it meant to be 6PM?), there was no chance.' classic ellie and her caffeine addiction

Ellie dropping a book onto the floor to warn the mice before hopping down is actually a move I used throughout college, whenever we'd get the pesky little dudes

Opening your door to see your housemates terrified is probably not a good sign

"Did we get one?" [Ellie] asked as she blinked hard against the bright fluorescents. "You put peanut butter on these, right?" Avery clarified, ignoring her question. "Yeah," Ellie took a few steps closer, but couldn't see the trap over their shoulders, "why?" Backing up in unison, Avery and Claire retreated until they were even with Ellie, halfway across the kitchen. Where they'd been crouching, the trap sat, untouched, as it had been prepped last night. "I don't get it," Ellie said. "Look closer." Claire put a hand on each of her shoulders and moved her to the cabinets. "Does anything look wrong about this to you?" It must've been the fatigue, because it took Ellie a solid minute of studying the mousetrap to put two-and-two together. "Where'd the peanut butter go?" "Exactly!" Avery peered over her shoulder. "Exactly." (read that last line in Adam Driver's voice lmao but also this did in fact happen to us at least once)

Like, absolutely no peanut butter left - not a speck - as clean as if it'd never been there

"What do we do now?" Avery asked, standing back up. "My vote goes to forfeiting the apartment as a peace offering and moving in upstairs." "Or you could move upstairs, and we could let Pumpkin Spice and August have free reign of the kitchen," Ellie teased. (the kind of throwback references are what make me confused as to whether this would be classified as an anthology of short stories or a proper novella)

Claire coming in clutch with having one of their neighbor's phone numbers (listed as 'upstairs')

"It's strange to think how they're probably just as attached to this old house as we are," Ellie mused. "I love 4 Hawthorn Rd - I mean, besides the mice - but we've only ever seen half of it. I couldn't even tell you half our neighbor's names." "Oh, theyre-" "-Got it!" Avery held up her phone triumphantly. "The Landlord said he'll bring some kind of trap later this afternoon. Something that worked better for previous tenants, I guess." (classic interruption before you can learn the forbidden lore of other character names)

"Am I still going to have to stare into their dead eyes just to grab my cereal?" this happened to me once, and it changed me forever

Finally, Morgan returns to the apartment! Getting back the Sunday afternoon before classes start up again is Wild

A 'Pride and Prejudice' shout-out AND a 'Community' shout-out, love to see it

Ellie and Avery trying to intentionally keep Morgan out of the loop while making jokes about the ninja mice, and Claire runs into the room and immediately spills the whole story

'Over Claire's shoulder, Morgan smirked. Ellie rolled her eyes. "Good to have you back, Morgan," she conceded. "Good to be back!" (pfft)

Dismantling the Five - Morgan Garrett

Morgan storming into the house and throwing her scarf with a fury just to accidentally make eye contact with Avery

I love how Avery is literally constantly trying to get out of doing her work, I swear she actually does participate in her classes lol

"Okay, so you know of the Five," Morgan began. Avery nodded. "Sure." It was a tale as old as time. Morgan had been at freshman orientation, meeting new people and sitting through boring lectures on various school policies. The faculty was so serious, but the information had either been common sense or forgotten as soon as it'd passed through her ears. And in one of the talks about the political science department (which was blended with public policy and international relations at Rutherford), she'd met them. Five guys, the epitome of northern New Hampshire isolation and oddity. Hailing from Stewartstown (somehow, the weirdos had found a hometown ever farther north than Fairview), the tight-knit friends shared just about everything. They'd gone to the same schools, bragged about the same hunting grounds, decided on the same major. Two of them had even fought over asking the same girl to prom. All five of them somehow managed to fit the role of Morgan's least favorite person in the room. She wanted to be their friend so badly.' (this might be lightly fictionalized, but one of my friends did have a group of guy nemeses who by-and-large fits this description)

She finds out one of them was shit-talking her, and immediately decided it was 'her sole aim in college to tear the Five apart.' also true of my friend lmao

'Admittedly, she'd had very little luck so far. Halfway through their junior year, and the Five were as close and obnoxious as ever. They'd all joined the same fraternity, and three of them were living in a frat house with a bunch of their brothers. The other two carpooled for the forty-five minute commute from Stewartstown.' honestly?? icons in their own right

Avery knows one of them from the cross country team and hates his guts, so she's down to help ruin lives

Various antics of the Five: 'the Incident of the Model U.N. Theft', a month of getting a cold shoulder after beating number one in debate class, number four making that comment on how she couldn't pull off bangs, number one attempting to cheat off her during a mid-term and nearly getting them both kicked out

And this latest crime?

"I was talking with number three before class, and he brought up last weekend." A confused frown crossed Avery's face. "Weren't you here all last weekend?" "Exactly! That's the... okay, so when I asked what he did, he told me that some of 'the guys' went to see some local theater production." Morgan pinched the bridge of her nose. "Apparently, our Law and Society professor was in it. He was in it, and apparently, he rapped! I would've killed to see that show! But I guess last weekend was the end of its run." (one of my housemates and I did in fact go see a local theater production where one of our professors rapped, and it was as incredible and iconic as Morgan suggests - I would've been equally pissed to have missed it)

Avery's like, 'that sucks but like why would they invite you anyways if you hate each other???' and it's simply not that simple bc Morgan thought she'd convinced number three they were friends

"And this is worse than the time number one nearly got you sent to the dean?" Avery clarified.' she's so real for that LMAO

But, see, number one Would do shit like that, number three is supposed to be the Chill one

'Morgan kept talking - to fill the silence, of course. "I really couldn't believe it of him. Number three sits behind me in, like, half our classes, so he usually spills everything. I mean, I wouldn't know half of what I do about the Five without his inability to shut up. He was also the only one of their group to actually compliment my bangs. I know that was back in September, but come on! You're not supposed to exclude me! You'd think - hey, if you can tell me about your dog's vet appointment, you can tell me how our professor is in a ridiculous musical! So, what, am I not good enough for you -?" So that was probably too much. Morgan let herself trail off and glanced over at Avery, who was staring at her from over her new pair of blue-light glasses. "Got it." (oop)

Morgan snatches Avery's paper from her and it just says 'convince number three to ask out Morgan' lol

'Light on her feet, Avery looked ready to run back into the safety of her room as soon as things went south. With her hands outstretched in front of her, she spoke calmly. "Just think about it: what better way to tear them apart than have one of them date you, their collective enemy? It wouldn't even have to be for very long, just a couple dates. That'd probably be enough to drive a wedge between the guys trying to support number three and those against him." yk, she does make a good point there, Morgan

"Besides, it would only work with number three," Avery continued. "You know, he's probably the only one we can convince to ask you out. Plus, he's the only one you have a crush on." She bounded away, already in her room with the door closed by the time Morgan had processed what she said. "AVERY SCHOFIELD!" Morgan yelled, leaping across the room to pound on her door. "Get out here! I do not!" "I think you do-o," Avery sang, her voice muffled through the door. "Do not!" "Do too!" "Do not!" "Do too!" A squeak of old hinges, and the front door opened to reveal the Landlord, peaking his head in around the corner. "Is now a bad time?" he asked with a grin.' (i promise we were marginally more mature, also our landlords would actually knock but for the drama yk lol)

The immediate switch back into mature adulthood will always get me

Avery has to leave the conversation to show the landlord whatever issue they're having with their bathroom sink, and Morgan Cannot handle thinking about this plan anymore, so she opts for going for a jog to clear her head

So this story wasn't really based on any real moment, but as I said, the rivalry was real, the professor in local theater was real, and it's a little mix of a couple things of ~boy drama~ so it's not entirely fictional, either

Ending Thoughts:

There's really nothing like writing scenes of just a bunch of friends living together and hanging out in their living room. Maybe that's the homebody in me talking, but it's immediately such a comforting, warm environment. Obviously, these stories in general are filled with my own nostalgia, so I'm biased, but I love the writing in this book. At points, it really feels like the kinds of conversations my friends and I were having back in the day. They bicker and tease and joke around and help each other out, and it really is such a love letter to that time in my life. It also gave me the opportunity to truly loosen my own rules regarding writing. I'm typically very restrained with my use of italics, with using parentheses, with intentionally using the more conversational spellings of things like 'gonna'. And though I still largely stand by my style, it was fun to lock up my inner editor and just write what felt right, conventions be damned!

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS - Chapter 26 - Part 1

BOOK ONE: The 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning Adult Content*

Noah Wright

Sitting in Social Studies class, I thought about Kaitlyn.

She didn't go to lunch that day.

Not even to sit with her teammates.

I wanted to go and comfort her but I couldn't.

What if she didn't hang out with us anymore?

All of my friends were just as much friends with Kaitlyn, I didn't want her to not hang out with any of my friends because of me.

Break-ups sucked.

Moving on from my thoughts about my ex, I looked over at Sam who sat in the chair next to me.

He was listening intently at whatever Mrs. Snider was lecturing us on.

Sam drew his eyebrows together then bit his bottom lip- which the whole time I had been distracted by.

I watched him grab his pencil, erase whatever was written, then wrote something new down on his notebook.

Sam looked good that day.

He wore his dark fitted jeans with a sleek black belt that held the hem of his beige shirt that was tucked in.

He had on a white, mock turtleneck underneath his t-shirt.

His light brown hair was quaffed perfectly as per usual and damn, the way he bit his lower lip when he was concentrating took my mind to places it shouldn't have been.

Sam turned his head and looked me right in the eyes, catching me checking him out.

I quickly looked down.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Sam smirking while he typed something into his cell-phone before setting it back down.

A second later, my phone vibrated.

To: Noah Wright

[See something you like?]

From: Samuel Moretti

I looked over at him and he was focusing on the teacher.

To: Samuel Moretti

[Not really.]

From: Noah Wright

To: Noah Wright

[You might wanna calm your boner down then.]

From: Samuel Moretti

My mouth fell slightly open when I read his text message to me.

I looked up and saw Sam trying to suppress his smile while writing down something into his notebook.

Okay Sam, two can play at this game.

I began typing a response to Sam when our teacher called on us.

"Mr. Wright, Mr. Moretti. Care to share with the class what's so interesting on your phones? Or can you guys pay attention for the next twenty minutes of my class and put your phones away?" Mrs. Snider asked us and the entire class turned around and looked at both me and Sam.

"Sorry," we both said, then put our cell-phones in our backpacks.

"Next time I see them out, you'll both be written up," our teacher warned us.

"And don't forget your Saturday detention."

By the end of Social Studies class, it was decided, I was going to tell Sam that... I liked him.

It was weird because I had never 'confessed my feeling of attraction' to anyone before.

Kaitlyn initiated everything in our relationship.

She spoke to me first.

She kissed me first.

We never even really agreed upon dating but we eventually started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

So what do I say to Sam... 'hey, wanna date me?' or 'So, are we boyfriends now?' or 'want to exclusively make out with each other?'

All of those sounded horrible but I didn't get to decide because as Sam and I were walking out of class, Mrs. Snider stopped me.

"Hey, Noah, could you hold on a second?"

"Huh?" I looked at Sam.

"I'll wait for you," he told me, as if he could read my mind and I watched him walk out of the classroom.

I focused on my teacher.

"What's up?" I questioned, walking up to her desk.

Mrs. Snider placed a piece of paper on the desk between us.

The quiz from the day before.

A big, fat F in red ink... my quiz.

"That's your second quiz you failed. These quizzes aren't worth much alone but they add up. You need a tutor."

I opened my mouth to decline until she said...

"Luckily, Sam Moretti is the best in our class. You two are clearly friends. Why don't you ask him to help you?"

"Good thinking, Teach, I'll ask him," I told her curtly.

She gave me a hard, stern look.

"If you don't improve in a month, I'm assigning you with a real tutor. I'm only trying to help you."

"Very much appreciated but I gotta get to my next class," I nodded my head to the classroom door.

I needed to speak to Sam and she was wasting my time.

"You're dismissed," Mrs. Snider sighed.

I gave her a scout's salute and headed out the door, hoping Sam didn't go to class yet.

[b4bypuff]

Screen Love Story

As a child, I always wanted to watch Disney movies

Seeing the love stories on screen were always my favorite part of the day, recreating those same stories with barbies happened to become my favorite pass time, and as I got older, writing them became my daily objective after school let out

While different, they always were the same. In some which way, the girl always fell in love, and she was always saved by her lover.

But I soon learned that Disney, Barbie, and even my own writings lied.

I remember seeing things be thrown, hearing voices be raised, car engines starting in the dead of night, and the soft shutting of doors followed by muffled cries.

Still, I thought that the movies I loved couldn’t lie, there was still hope somewhere there.

So when I first met you, I thought I was finally watching it play out in real time. The first day we met, we walked around the track together, and I asked my friend if she knew your number, she said we would be good friends. We instantly clicked, I was even introduced to your then girlfriend, who I admit, I envied because she had you.

As the months went on you talked to me about the two of you, the bad parts, how she treated you. I gave you advice, I told you to get away before it got worse, but you didn’t listen until she broke it off. After a few months, at my birthday party, we kissed on a dare.

A spark lit up in you, you later told me, you admitted to me months later that the next morning you realized you liked me and were planning to ask me out.

So that day when you finally did, I remember how giddy I was, how the only thing I thought about the rest of the day were how your lips felt on mine. If we were following a Disney movie, we were well on the way to our happy ending.

I don’t quite remember now, but just like those movies an evil soon began to show itself.

It first started, I believe, when I noticed your eyes linger. Years later, I learned it was your ex you were staring at, but in that moment, all I knew was that it killed me.

But when I tried to play it off and hide my tears, you grabbed me, held my face when I kept trying to turn away, and made me look at you as I told you what was wrong. I don’t remember if I wanted to believe you, or if I truly had, but I remember the warmth that filled me when you apologized and promised me you only had feelings for me.

The problem was settled soon after when you waltzed into school the next day with a bouquet of red roses and a letter attached, I remember how you even made it apparent to my friends that you had bought them for me. In that moment, I felt so special.

The second crack in our story was the first fight we had. My memories can’t piece together what it was about, but the broken piece I still can clearly see and feel is the one in which you grabbed my wrist. I had to wear long sleeve for a week after, I flinched every time your hand reached for my own, I remember the look of regret in your eyes when you ran your thumb over the purple patch of skin.

It seemed slow at the time, like our love was slowly burning over the course of years, but it only took six months for the fire of rage you had inside you to consume us. In the moment, it felt like years, a rollercoaster we were both permanently strapped into.

As I am told, the term is disassociation, it’s the reason I don’t remember much other than the terribly good and terribly bad moments.

If you have trouble remembering too, the typical point in most romance films would be to show them in a montage.

For the good moments we have when you traveled during a hurricane to deliver me a stuffed animal because you “remembered how terrified I am of thunderstorms and, well, hurricanes are that by one hundred,” the letters you wrote me every month on the fourteenth, the second stuffed animal you gifted me because it made you think of me, the book you used as an excuse to drive to my house, the time we walked around your trailer park listening to a very cheesy playlist, the time we rode in a carriage downtown.

But the bad moments were just as significant, lucky for you and unluckily for me, I think of these less often than I do the good moments. I could bring up the second time you felt a bruise on my arm, or the countless times you caught me talking to someone else, someone you didn’t like, and left cuts in my arm because you held on so tightly your nails dug into my skin. I could mention the times you stared at me disgusted because the color I dyed my hair “looked ugly on me,” or the times I wore certain outfits and you’d remind me that “she (I was never sure which girl you spoke about in moments like these) would never wear something like that,” or perhaps you’d appreciate me telling about the times you threatened me. I still think your father is an EMT, I still wonder if you tell girls the same threats. The memories that are the most pieced together and that I often remember are the moments where you truly did hurt me, like the time you sprained my wrist, or the time you left me alone 4 hours away from home, or the time I learned how to conceal a bruise on my face.

What I still cannot forgive is the innocence you stole from me. The innocence of believing in love, believing in love as pure and sweet as in the movies I loved, or the barbie scenes I used to enjoy playing out. The child in me will never forgive you for teaching her that the stories I loved and wrote out would never come true, but the part of me that is all grown up will never forgive you for leaving behind pieces of you that I still find to this day.

I just wish I still believed in a love story like the ones on Disney.

[outsideratheart]

What’s Love Without Tragedy (Alex Scott x reader)

A/N: This one is for @wosoobsessed I hope you like it and it has enough angst for you.

There is a difference between having something private and keeping something a secret. You knew this, your girlfriend at the time did not. At first it wasn’t an issue because the sneaking around was fun but then you told a select few you were dating and it gave you a taste of what it’s like not to hide. You knew you wanted the world to know Alex Scott was yours, if only she shared the same enthusiasm.

In the end, the secrecy was the demise of your relationship and you made the decision that, whilst you loved Alex with every fibre of your being, you couldn’t hide anymore. It wasn't an ultimatum but you thought she would choose you over public perception.

5 years past and you healed. Your heart wasn’t whole as a large amount of it belonged to Alex but you found to way to stay friends or as close to friends as two people can be with the past the two of you had.

The two of you had moved on but the past came back to haunt you and it did so at the hands of your ex girlfriend.

Alex Scott How (Not) To Be Strong. It is the book you should have read when the author gave it to you which now that you think about it was long before anyone else got a copy.

A few days after it’s release you found yourself the centre of attention. Looks are exchanged by your team mates but their gaze ultimately falls on you.

“Have you read Alex’s book?” Leah whispers closely as not to bring attention to the both of you. Deep down she knew the answer because one, you wouldn’t be this calm if you had and two, Alex would have told her your reaction.

“She’s keeps texting me about it but I haven’t had the time” just as you finish your sentence your phone goes off “this must her her again”

Leah watches over your shoulder. She sees the notification and it wasn’t from Alex, it was your mentions on twitter.

“I don’t understand” you whisper in disbelief.

Your twitter was flooded with details of Alex and yours relationship. You read anecdote after anecdote of moments with Alex but you didn’t understand how they knew.

“Her book” Leah answers your unasked question “this is why she wanted you to read it”

“Read it!” You raised your voice “she should have discussed this with me before writing it! This is just as much my story as it is hers. How dare she share these details with the world and not have the decency to tell me first” 

Given the change in team since your break up there was only a couple of players that knew about your relationship with the former gunner. The faces of those that didn’t know were priceless.

What was Alex thinking? She told you about the book and what it would be about but she failed to mentioned the part in the book about how she refused to put a label on her sexuality, the part which included how she fell in love with her Arsenal team mate.

In that moment, Colony was the last place you wanted to be and given the training was over you didn’t have a reason to be there for a second longer. With no see you laters or good training, you leave.

The days that follow are quiet as you only leave your house to train but it’s what you need. The time spent in your own company allows you think  about what you’re going to do. You can’t avoid Alex, well you could but it wouldn’t be professional.

Leah had told Alex about your reaction and much to the blonde’s disbelief as she thought you wouldn’t have minded. You always encouraged her to be her true self and that is what she is doing.

“Why didn’t you tell her what you wrote?” Leah spoke through the phone.

“I told her to read the book Leah” Alex, in her eyes, did the right thing. It wasn’t as if she was asking permission, she just wanted to know if she would need your forgiveness. Now it’s clear that is definitely the case.

“Alex you’ve handled this badly. You say you loved her and that you knew her in and out. If that is true then you know how she is hurting right now. You went behind her back and told the world the love story that belonged to the two of you”

“She isn’t answering any of my calls” Alex had tried numerous to call you after she saw the reactions fans had on social media and how they were calling you a hypocrite. You preached truth and honesty yet in their eyes you hid the biggest part of yourself.

“She isn’t answering anyone’s calls. The only time we see her is at training. I suggest trying to speak her after a game and hope she is in a good mood”

Alex took Leah’s advice and gave you space. A couple of weekends later she was covering an England friendly with the BBC and given that you were the captain she knew you would be there.

After the match you were given a headset that linked up with the BBC studios. It is then that you hear her voice and wish that Gabby Logan would the one to interview but the world wasn’t easy that way.

You keep your answers short and sweet not wanting to show too much emotion in your replies. Fury was building in your belly and you knew that now, on live tv, was not the time for you and Alex to hash things out.

“It’s always a pleasure speaking to you Y/N. I’ll let you get back to celebrating with the team” Alex waits to you reply, for you to say it nice to talk to her too only it doesn’t happen. You remove the headset, the only reply coming in the form of a nod and fake smile.

The pace in which you walk is slower than normal as you make your way around the stadium thanking the fans even stopping to sign autographs & take photos, anything that will delay you going back into that locker room because you know who will be waiting for you. So far the team hasn’t brought up your past relationship with their former team mate but the ones that knew about it, Lucy and Jill, they keep you close just in case you need them. It’s why when you enter the locker room you notice their faces first and the way their heads tilt towards the physio room.

“Y/N” Leah is the one to speak first and you shake your head “she just wants five minutes”

The internal battle you are facing must be evident on your face as Lucy comes over to you to offer you some reassurance.

“Do you want her to leave?” She doesn’t get a response, your focus is on the room which holds your ex girlfriend.

“I —“

“Y/N please” Alex feels all eyes on her as she walks through the locker room and towards you.

She reaches out for your hand and you hated how you body betrayed you. Her touch reminded you of home and for a brief moment you allow yourself to enjoy the feeling of her skin on yours. You were overwhelmed and you had been for the past few days, the only thing that has been on your mind is Alex.

“What do you want?” It was a stupid question one that didn’t need asking.

“To talk”

You gesture you hands in a way that tells her to go ahead.

“Not here”

“Why not? They all know about us now thanks to you. Me, meanwhile had to lie to them for years so I’m not hiding anymore. If you want to talk then talk but I’m not leaving this locker room” you sit down in your locker as a way to prove that you’re being serious.

Alex didn’t know what to do. She knew that this was the best chance she would get at talking to you but in front of your team mates and her past team mates, it wasn’t exactly ideal.

“I asked you to read the book”

Out the corner on your eye you see Leah bury her head in her hand and Lucy roll her eyes. Good, you think, it’s not’s just you that can’t believe this is how Alex is starting.

“Yes you did and in that message you could have told me you planned on exposing our relationship to the world but instead you to choose to keep it a secret. Then again you always liked your secrets, it’s what ended our relationship in the first place”

“That’s not fair. I was telling my truth“

“No, what’s not fair is for you tell the world about us without thinking of me at all. As for truth, I don’t know how you dare. It wasn’t just your story you were telling, it was ours”

That’s what it was; your story, the one you shared with her for many years.

“I have spent the past week reliving the past, all the moments that brought me the most happiness then caused me the most pain. You broke me Alex just like you did all those years ago”

The angry front you had put on came falling down with the last sentence you spoke. You were hurt that Alex didn’t think your relationship was important enough to discuss, instead she told the world as if it was nothing. On the top of that it led you to question your relationship: if Alex was comfortable enough to share her sexuality with the world now, was she back then but it was you who she was ashamed of.

You wasn’t aware you were even close to crying until you felt a tear fall down your cheek, one which you are quick to wipe away before anyone sees it.

“Alex I think it’s time you leave” Lucy comes to your defence. She knew this was a bad idea.

“No, I’m leaving. I’ll meet you all back at the hotel” you grab a jacket and leave the locker room.

Your head hangs low as you wander the halls that you hope will lead you back out onto the pitch. Just over half an hour ago you were on cloud nine having won with with the lionesses, now you feel broken and beaten. There was no light at the end of this tunnel, an apology would no longer fix this and you didn't know how you and Alex could move forward.

With the stadium empty you sit on the bench allowing your mind to wander but it goes no further than the brown eyed woman that you once loved with all your heart.

Alex faced the same fate. She never imagined that her book would cause this much fallout and she definitely didn't expect to lose you again but it was obvious now that she had made a mistake, one which has deeply hurt you. The eyes of your team mates burn into her and she cannot help but feel like prey that's about to get attacked by its predator.

"Do you know how hard it's been for her?" Lucy makes her way towards the retired player "She loves you Alex, always has and always will. The secrecy isn't the main problem here, it's the fact that you happily told the world now when you wouldn't before. You know Y/N doubts her worth and you have made that worse by doing what you did"

She hasn't even thought out that. Alex thought you were mad because she made a made a decision alone when she should have discussed it with you first.

"You should go find her" Leah suggests much to her team mates disagreement.

"No" Lucy interrupts.

"No Lucy. Despite Alex's actions and Y/N's words, this is between them and only them"

Alex sends the blonde a look mentally thanking her before walking towards the door.

"She'll be —“

"I know where she is" Alex says knowing full well the place you would have gone given where you are and she was right. She watches you from afar hoping that you will look over and give her some indication that you are happy for her to be there but you don't. Instead she sees you lean over with you head in your hands and seconds later your body starts to shake slightly; you were crying.

Wanting nothing more than to comfort you, Alex abandons her need for permission.

Your eyes are fixated on the green grass beneath you, that is until you view is obscured by a pair of trainers. What follows is something that always brings you comfort even more so by the person who does it. Alex’s hands begin rubbing circles over your shoulder blades and you're not sure if it your need to be held or the desire to be close to the brunette but your arms wrap around her waist. The close contact immediately steadies your breathing and the tears subside.

"Why did you do it?" you ask whilst keeping your current position.

It was a question that meant several different things. Why did Alex tell the world? Why didn't she tell you? Why now?

"I thought you would be happy"

"Alex I am happy that you're finally telling the world your truth but doing so by outing our relationship without talking to me about it first, why?"

Again it was another question.

"You didn't have an issue about people knowing before, in fact you told me you wanted the world to know so I didn't thing you would be so against people knowing now" rightly or wrongly, this is how Alex saw it.

"I'm not"

"Then why are you upset?

"Was I the problem? Did you not want the world to know that you were in a relationship with me?"

When you looked up at the older woman she sees the pain in your eyes and the toll the last couple of days have taken on you. The dark circles under your eyes were a give away that you hadn't been sleeping.

"Y/N I am not ashamed of you" Alex couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"You're not?" she shakes her head "Then I don't get it Alex. When it was me and you, you didn't want anyone to know about us but now i'm out of the picture you want everyone to know. How do expect me to take that?"

"Back then it wasn't you, it was me"

What was that suppose to mean?

"You very confident and one of the best football players I have ever seen, you still are" your cheeks heat up a the compliment "You were open and honest but the biggest thing was that you were 8 years younger than me, I know you were mature but the age mattered. You became a fan favourite and I didn't want our relationship to tarnish your reputation"

"Alex I don't care what other people think"

"But I do or at least I did back then" Alex knew that she shouldn't have let other people affect her relationship but the thought of being the hot topic within the women’s football world scared her.

"It hurt being left in the dark about something this important. You told the world about us and I had no idea. I walked into Colney and I felt like a circus animal the way everyone was staring at me"

A small chuckle escapes Alex's lips before you had the chance to cover it.

"It's not funny"

The woman standing in front of you mumbles an apology.

"So you're not mad that everyone knows about us?"

"I'm not. It's what I've wanted for years. I'm mad that you didn't tell me you were going to do it, i’m mad that every one knows our story through your heartbreak and i'm mad that we couldn't do this earlier because if we did then I could still call you mine"

You couldn't help it, the last part just came out. It's as if you heart had taken the reigns.

"Y/N"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that"

But little did you know that is what Alex had been wanting you to say. She had wanted a second chance since the two of you broke up but she never thought it would happen. You continue mumbling as if the more you say the better it will be but that isn't the case, you are digging yourself a deeper hole but Alex doesn't care. You had given her hope.

She felt the overwhelming desire to kiss you whether this was the right time or place, she didn't care.

You are half way through your fourth attempt at apologising when you feel Alex's hand cup your cheek. Your head leans to the side slightly as you melt into her touch. The look in her eyes is recognisable but you hadn't seen it in a long time and you had missed it. Before you have the chance to stand to her level Alex leans down and kisses you. You grab her hips pulling her onto your knee as your lips move in sync. It’s like no time had passed but the passion that follows proves otherwise.

"I know that a lot has changed but I still love you and I hate that I let my own insecurities ruin what we had. I know I don't deserve it but I want you back" Alex stays sitting on your knee whilst her fingers player with the loose hairs at the nape of your neck.

"I won't be a secret Alex" it was you one condition. It had been a big issue in your relationship before and if there is a second chance of happiness then everything has to be out in the open.

"I want the world to know about us"

From that day on there was no secrets between the two of you and you were honest with your relationship. Your families, friends and the fans supported the two of you and for the most part the age difference never got brought up much to Alex's shock.