#wrong doings with ZERO mention of the adults in the situation unless it’s to say Bruce can’t communicate but aren’t we glad he saved Damian

[starlooove]

Also what’s the difference between them and superbat in which ur not demonizing the brown boy quickly

[lullaebies]

What do you think about Helaena's portrayal in the show? Idw to ask about Aegon's portrayal because he was the one that get fucked up the most even if they wanted him to be the main antagonist of the show there were many "more complex and interesting" ways to portray him. But what about helaena? There is always something wrong in Helaena's character in the show for me, in many ways she does seems to be a caricature of the trope of the weird prophetic princess.

This is going to be an essay. Buckle up.

As endearing and easy to feel for her circumstances she is (and the show is how I got to know her, I liked her to begin with regardless and I read Fire and Blood only after watching), I feel like the show failed her tremendously, not only by falling into the trope you mentioned, but perpetuating stereotypes regarding neurodivergent people as well as making Helaena a victim before bothering to make her a person. Let me get into it one by one.

The trope of the neurodivergent girl with powers, to begin with, is obviously a somewhat uncomfortable trope that hints neurodivergency doesn't have a place to be unless it is accompanied by powers of some sort. The idea of neurodivergence being inherently magical is harmful in a detracting kind of way. That already kind of leaves a bad taste in the mouth as both the neurodivergence and dreamer plotlines were added without textual evidence in F&B, so the mix is probably deliberate to create 'she's more than what meets the eye' type of character. Doesn't work as well in today's sphere of things.

Now, I wouldn't care nearly as much about the trope if they bothered to make her more than just her prophecies and her neurodivergence. They could've had their cake and could've eaten it if they gave her actual lines that speak of how she feels about what's around her and in what situation she's in. Every single line she has in the show is a prophecy, save for exactly two: her speaking about her millipede to Alicent (because her hyper fixation is the only she cares about, apparently) and her roasting Aegon at dinner (which was a serve, but was once more only there to serve she cannot converse like a normal person and to show she is a victim). We have absolutely nothing about how she feels as a person, as a sister, as a mother! They barely gave her a chance to react to Driftmark, we don't know if she was scared about her wedding and what is happening to her, we don't even get her saying what she thinks about her visions! We have zero framing of anything. We see nothing of what the book describes her as: Why was she described as a happy girl? Why people agreed she would be a lovely mother? Why did the smallfolk like her, why was her death their last straw? Who is she, aside from bugs and weird mumblings? Autistic people have thoughts and feelings and many of them can express them in an even better way than people without autism (I worked for 4 years with autistic adults, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the spectrum myself - anecdotal evidence it is, but there was no reason to not let her have actual character moments.) Many people in this fandom are convinced she is not able to hold a single conversation with anyone - it's atrocious and offensive.

And then we have the victim discussion, which only packs it in further. She is shown to be a perpetual victim in the show, pretty clearly to vilify Aegon (who frankly is also a victim of the marriage, but we don't get to talk about that). She has been stripped of all her agency; in the books, she talks smack about Aegon in a humorous way, she sits on his war council and advocates for peace, she is a good mother who is hands-on with her children and consistently portrayed with them. She has a life, and meaning outside of being a victim, she's active. When you think of a princess who claimed the largest dragon living in the dragon pit, don't you at least think she is courageous? that she has a sense of life in her, to drive her to do such a thing? And she could've done all of the things she does in the book, with the dreamer plot and the neurodivergent characterization all the same, and that is what drives me insane. These were additions, but they didn't have to overwrite Helaena as a whole.

We don't get to see her truly live, and care about the things she loves. When B&C happens, we are going to see an autistic woman brutalized and her children hurt and murdered many people would cheer for it, without the necessary preparation of showing how much she cared about the children, without showing any conflict of hers to take the mantle as Queen, without her ever showing or thinking about these complex situations she's been put in. She's not allowed to have an opinion politically, at least not so far - she's not allowed to have as much voice as her brothers do and she's not allowed to be taken seriously as Queen Consort as Rhaenyra is taken seriously as Queen, which is such, SUCH a shame, because if we had a smidge of comparisons between the two sisters we could have had them be proper foils, which is interesting, and not to the detriment of either of them!

To conclude; they sprinkled on Helaena tropey traits, made her lines be more or less summed up as cool foreshadowing, and erased the traits that would've made the crowd find her endearing and relatable as a person. (and I have theories about it, but I won't get into it here). They failed Helaena not because of the additions themselves, but because they refuse to take her place as a woman in this story seriously, as well as refused to flesh her out beyond the surface-level tropes. She could've been so, so much more, and I can talk about it for hours, but choices have been made. Her arc deserved to be built up better, as did her character, and it's very frustrating.

[spider-xan]

Fucking THANK YOU for your recent take on SHED - the fact that Martha and Billy are all happy chappy about being lizard clones who can never leave the sewers and live with the man who murdered the child gives me a bad case of the Big Yuck. I know that it is still canon, but I think of it as no more canon as that shitty mlp fanfic about Pinkie Pie killing Rainbow Dash - just unnecessary grimdark shite with no purpose than to show how """"""""""""adult"""""""""" Spidey stories can be. Not to mention the shitty implications of Curt only being properly being loved by his family because they share the same technical disability as him................

Yeah, like, I understand Nick Spencer was in a really awkward position in trying to do a back-to-basics approach at the start of his ASM run regarding Connors bc he inherited the absolutely fucking awful and offensive legacy left to him by Zeb Wells, Dan Slott, and Marvel editorial in terms of both Shed and the Clone Conspiracy, and for all of Spencer's many faults, I think he actually writes Curt surprisingly well and his characterization in the first arc and Hunted felt correct and compelling to me - except you have to ignore how it falls apart once you take Shed and the post-Clone Conspiracy status quo for the Connors family into account, leaving aside that Hunted was a response to Shed and attempt to resolve it (spoiler: it can never be resolved).

Not to mention that Peter and Mary Jane being totally cool with the situation makes them look awful too, like, how the fuck are they comfortable hanging out with them in the sewers for fun times under those creepy circumstances? Why was Peter cracking jokes about Curt eating people, as if that isn't wildly offensive on several levels? Don't get me wrong, I love the four of them being friends, but it no longer works without everyone looking like assholes.

Shed was horrible enough, and you know what, Clone Conspiracy may have been salvageable if Curt's arc was more along the lines of him getting one last chance to apologize and say good-bye to his family before letting them go - and you can definitely make a case that he has a problem with letting go (see: his entire inability to cope with his disability and loss that lead to the Lizard problem in the first place) - but no, Slott decided it would be sooo funny if Curt lost his mind and forcibly turned his family into lizard zombies to play house with creepy 1950s family sitcom overtones while his wife and son have zero agency and it's sooo funny he's delusional and crazy for that last page image??

Even with Spencer giving Martha and Billy their agency back, the entire situation feels so creepily coercive precisely bc they can't leave the situation, even if it's not meant to come off that way, which they never asked to be in either, and it's not like they even got any of the cool parts of reptile superpowers, they're literally just humanoid lizards stuck hiding underground and can't go anywhere, and Hunted kind of addressed this with Billy being rightfully pissed off, but Martha is just like, the endlessly accommodating perfect wife, and by the end of the arc, everything is back to being happy again, and just, fuck no, what the hell?

And at this point, I don't think any of it will ever get fixed bc Connors is mostly ignored now unless you need the Lizard as a generic villain for a one-off story where Spider-Man just beats his ass like a common street criminal, and honestly, I don't know if it even can be fixed - the Lizard really should have been retired as a Spidey villain years ago, but that's comic book serial storytelling for you.

[tonystarktogo]

Could I pretty pretty please get some more on the time travel crack au? Maybe when it gets out that Steve, Bruce, andThor are technically from the future?

As much as I’d love to jump to that part, I think it’s funnier necessary to cover a few other tidbits first. For example:

Tony misses whatever discussion follows Thor’s -- hah, got it right in one, he hasn’t lost his touch completely yet -- arrival before the god carries his brother off towards a containment cell with the sort of cheer that causes Tony to carefully keep at least two people between himself and Thor, lest the asshole tries to hug him again.

Not that it can be that big a loss considering they all -- sans Loki -- end up back in the command center of the helicarrier, where Fury glares balefully at the most recent invader of his precious aircraft that clearly isn’t meant to stand in the way of gods.

A glare Thor aggressively doesn’t notice. Likely because he’s too busy partaking in the on-going discussion on what to do next.

And by ‘what to do next’ Tony doesn’t mean the expected we-were-invaded-by-a-mindcontrolled-alien-nutbag-and-there’s-probably-more-out-there-seems-like-the-kind-of-oh-shit-situation-we-should-plan-for. No. That would be reasonable and expected and Tony’s spent all of three hours in the company of the esteemed Captain America and already he can tell you that Rogers is none of that.

[Which, not cool, Capsicle. Dazzling and befuddling people with crazily brilliant ideas is his job.]

[continues under the cut]

So far, Tony’s been paying attention for ten minutes. In that time, Rogers and Thor have gotten into an argument over how to handle Loki -- which holy shit, that went from a calm, rational discussion to a battle to the death between two superhumans on a sugar high in zero point four seconds -- that Tony is so not gonna touch. [Nope. Let some other fool [i.e. Rogers] throw himself head-first into norse god family drama, Tony’s own feelings concerning his family are complicated enough.] That conversation devolved into a not-openly-fighting-while-totally-fighting stand-off between Rogers and Banner over a way too bitter comment from the latter [something about ‘you’d know all about choosing one brother over the other, wouldn’t you’ which what?], which in turn gets derailed by Banner needling Thor about the merits of beheading over stabbing.

Romanoff had the good sense to disappear -- probably to interrogate Loki while his apparently protective big brother is distracted, now that Tony thinks about it. 

Unfortunately that still leaves Tony stuck here, having to play the role of the mature adult because no one else fucking will. Tony hates being responsible. It’s like being back in high school and being left to do all the work on your own in group project.

[Tony failed that project. Got a straight up zero on purpose because spite is a wonderful motivator. Which, now that Tony thinks about it, doesn’t say anything promising about the current situation.]

Tony leans even further back in his seat, only balancing on the backlegs of the chair, to give Fury a very sharp, very judgemental look.

These are the people you’re betting Earth’s survival on, that look says.

Fury’s already pissed off expression darkens further, which brightens Tony mood substantially. That one of the suit’s sensors flashes green twice in quick succession less than a minute later really just makes for a delicious cherry on the top. Or more precisely a good excuse to ditch this trainwreck of a match-making attempt.

“Whoops,” Tony says, clearly audible but not too loud to draw real attention from the three [still arguing-while-pretending-not-to] stooges on the other end of the room. “Looks like I gotta take this call.”

He jiggles his fingers at Fury. The guy rolls his eyes -- probably jealous that he doesn’t have an excuse himself, that bitch face doesn’t fool Tony -- but no one tries to stop him.

“Alright, J, what do you have for me?”

*

Tony pretends not to notice the shuffling footsteps. Glances at the disturbingly normal clock on the wall that is so not up-to-date with the rest of the technology in the room, it must be an inside joke. Tony would love to meet the SHIELD agent behind it -- it can’t be easy, being the only person with a sense of humor in an entire agency.

30 minutes.

Well. That’s longer than Tony thought he’d get. JARVIS still hasn’t cracked the last layer on SHIELD’s really fucked up dirt -- and given what he’s already found, that says a lot -- but it’s only a matter of time now. Besides, Tony’s got a job to do.

“To- Stark.”

“Rogers.”

Tony doesn’t turn. Neither does he stop typing.

“What are you doing?”

Tony scoffs. He’s not in the mood to pander to inferior minds -- not when they’re so fucking frustrating, don’t make any sense and worst of all make him do all the work. 

“He’s tracking the Tesseract, using the scepter as a point of reference,” Banner says after taking one look at the screen over Tony’s shoulder.

Tony raises his eyebrows, impressed despite himself. Banner’s credentials clearly don’t do him justice -- and they were pretty damn good to begin with.

“Huh,” says Rogers.

Thanks for playing. Now buckle down and make yourself useful or fuck off, Tony wants to snipe but doesn’t get the chance to because the gods -- this god at least -- just aren’t on his side.

“Even without my brother’s help, a weapon of the tesseract’s might should not be underestimated,” Thor speaks up. “Should we not make haste and collect it?”

"Great idea.” Tony’s voice is dryer than the sand dune he crash-landed in back during his fun little trip to Afghanistan. “If only I’d thought of that instead of inventing fifteen new algorithms to try and get a read on SHIELD’s precious magic eight ball while you were busy defending your brother’s honor. Speaking of, I’m pretty sure Romanoff is a greater danger to his virtue than Captain Shockfreeze over there, so why are you still here?”

Okay, maybe poking the hornet nest that is godly family isn’t his smartest move [didn’t he just say he wasn’t gonna touch that?!] but damn if Tony isn’t curious. And also too annoyed to care about unimportant, subjective things like good manners and tact.

He sort of regrets his cavalier attitute a little when Thor sobers. At least there are no tears in sight. Tony is the last person on Earth who should be left unsupervised around crying people. It just never ends well.

“Ah.” Thor sighs heavily, stems his body against an unfortunate table that creaks dangerously. "I’m afraid I can’t afford to see my brother right now.”

It’s the way he says those words, the weight they carry more than anything that tells Tony he needs to drop this issue right now. Talk about one huge trigger button.

Must be inconvenient to have siblings. Tony totally can’t relate.

“Well, in that case, unless you have a magic trick with which you can pull the Tesseract’s position out of your sleeve, how about you sit as far away from these delicate instruments as possible and don’t touch anything while I work my magic, hm?”

Tony doesn’t let his gaze linger on the crushed edge of the table. Thor hasn’t even seemed to notice. He’s too busy lighting up at Tony’s snappish response. Which is surprising. Tony’s aware he’s a bit of an asshole right now. In his defence, he’s an asshole most of the time.

Rogers leaps across the room -- almost crashing into the previously mentioned delicate sensors as he does so -- to slap his palm over Thor’s mouth.

Tony stares. [How quickly can you develop a new habit again? Because this starts to feel like a new habit.]

“That sounds like a great plan!” Rogers beams at him, so wide and fake it must be physically painful for the epitome of all that is good and holy. At least Tony hopes it is. The supersoldier his father worshipped is still clinging to their resident god of thunder’s face.

It’s.

Tony resolutely turns his back on both of them because their madness doesn’t seem to come with a refund-ticket and if Tony doesn’t finish this program, no one will.

Not even Banner -- whom Tony had been kind of hoping for. Speaking of, the man’s been awfully quiet for a while now.

“You alright there, Brucie-Bear?” Tony turns around -- a little because it’s polite to face people when you talk with them and mostly to have an excuse not to watch the ongoing doomed wrestle-match between Blonde 1 and Blonde 2. His awesome nicknaming skill doesn’t get so much as a twitch.

To be fair, Banner is so busy staring straight ahead with the most epic rendition of the World’s Most Thoughtful Expression™ Tony has seen in a while that it doesn’t seem like the man heard him. At all.

Until he suddenly speaks up.

“I think we’ve forgotten something.” Behind Tony the impromptu wrestling comes to a sudden halt.

Probably something negligible like how to focus on a mission, the sarcastic voice in the back of Tony’s mind drawls. Though it should be noted that Tony’s consciousness only comes in sarcastic or not at all. Sorry, everyone, all the other flavors are out.

Banner’s frown deepens. “Something- Something important.”

Right on cue an explosion rocks the aircraft.

*

There’s a bit more tension in this part than the previous ones. On Tony’s side it’s because he’s smart enough to pick up on Something Is Seriously Wrong, both consciously and subconsciously and also because he feels the pressure what with everyone else apparently not taking this whole thing very seriously.

[Excluding Natasha who, believe me, takes Clint’s fate very serious indeed.]

On our time travellers’ side, they experience the frustration of being unable to talk openly, surrounded by people they don’t trust, trying to play along to the script of a movie they watched like 12 years ago and never revisited. Needless to say they’re failing horrenduously.

[sugiwa]

Hi. I am the Advice Anon. Please ignore those asks! I am so sorry for spamming your ask box. I still need help, so I’ll paste the entire thing over here. Again, sorry and thank you! Have a great day!

My reply and the full ask are below:

Hello! I hope you’ve been having a great day so far. This is probably unlike all of the other asks you get on a daily basis, author. However, I am in dire need of help, and I have turned to you. Before I begin, I want to apologize in advance, as this ask is going to be long. Now, like I said before, I need some help. You see, I am a freshman in high school, and school hasn’t even been going on for a full 10 weeks (a quarter), and I am already in a huge, messy, sticky situation. You probably already know that in high school, you need a certain number of credits in each field to be able to graduate. I am going to be extremely vague about this because it doesn’t really matter, and I’d really like to remain anonymous, if you know what I mean. One of the fields is World Languages and Visual Arts. Obviously, I am not talented enough to do Visual Arts, so I opted for World Languages instead. My teacher for the course I chose this year… she’s nice. Really kind, and I love that she makes learning a whole new language and culture, which is extremely hard, so much fun. And the fact that she’s one of the nicest teachers I know makes the rest of this so, so painful for me. 4 days ago, for me, was a Thursday. In this class, we had a vocab quiz that day (background info: two days before every quiz, my teacher posts a practice quiz to be done before class starts). I don’t really want to discuss what happened, as it still brings tears to my eyes, but I will give you a vague summary of what was going on. Basically, I couldn’t access my quiz (it was online), so my teacher told me to come in after school to re-do it. I was supposed to close down my computer and work on homework from another class, but instead of doing so, I worked on the practice quiz. And… this was considered cheating, because I was getting extra practice in before taking the quiz– something that the other students didn’t get, you know? My teacher saw my computer screen, and told me that she’d talk to me after school, and she’d be calling home. I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the class, because I was afraid of what might happen when she called home. After school, she told me to speak with her, and be honest about it. When cheating happens, at our school, the teacher will write us up for Academic Dishonesty and give it to the administration, who then decides the consequences. My teacher had told me that if I was honest with her, she wouldn’t write my up; she’d just give me a zero on the quiz and call home and tell them what I did. I was honest with her, because like I said before, I was afraid. Once I told her everything that happened, she told me that I could call home, let them know what happened myself, and I’d be off the hook (with a zero on the quiz, of course). So, I called home, like she had asked of me, but… they didn’t pick up. I told her that they didn’t pick up, and she told me that it was fine, and that she’d talk to my parents in-person before they picked me up from school. I’m not going to lie, that terrified me more than calling home. I don’t really remember what happened after that, because I was too busy crying, but I do remember that she mentioned something about me doing this before, and that it was not OK to do it the second time, but she’d let me off the hook. The thing is, I am 100% sure I haven’t done this before… or maybe she just didn’t approach me the first time. I told her that I didn’t do this before, and she told me that I was lying again, and began to write me up. I told her that I didn’t mean to do this, and that I was sorry, but she told me to stop lying. She said that she DID approach me the first time I did this, and that I was rude to her then. This brought tears to my eyes– my kind of favorite teacher telling me that I was rude to her. You see, I didn’t grow up here, and although I’ve lived here for 4 years, I am not used to the way people interact here. It was very different where I grew up. For example, you didn’t ask each other how their day was, or what they did during their day, unless you were REALLY curious or concerned, because that was considered nosy and rude. So, I tend to be unintentionally rude, and completely oblivious to it; I have no idea when I’m being rude or not, unless someone specifically says so. I also don’t really understand people well, so that’s a huge problem. So… hearing this from her, really hurt. I told her that I didn’t intend to be rude, and I was trying my best to change (I mean, I was & am reading a book to teach me etiquette and all), and she replied with “that’s good to hear”. Then, when my parents came to pick me up, she talked to them, and even asked one of my parents to walk with us to the Administration Office to turn in the write up. Stuff happened, I got called into the Assistant Principal’s office, and now I have a zero on my quiz (and my homework activity that I never finished), Saturday School, and a black mark on my record. But the thing is… that’s not what I’m concerned about at all. Sure, getting my grades up in time for Progress Reports is going to be an extremely hard task, and Saturday School is going to leave a huge black mark on my record, but that’s not what I’m worried about. My grades have been fractured, but so has my relationship with this teacher. I feel as though she hates me now, that she has lost all trust in me. (Background info: our school does Odd and Even days, so I have half of my classes on one day and half on the other, so that means that I didn’t face my teacher at all on Friday) 3 days ago, on Friday, when I went to school, it was an average day. It would have been an amazing day, had it not been for the situation I was in. All I could think about that day was my World Language teacher. And just thinking about her, and about that classroom, it… gives me a bit of anxiety. This is where I need your help. What would you do if you were in my situation? I really want to repair my relationship with my teacher, because I know that she’s really important; we’re going to be on the same campus for the next 4 years of my life, and even more importantly, she’s going to be my teacher for the next 8 months. I want to graduate with good grades, but more importantly, I want to graduate without holding a grudge against my teacher. I want her to like me, and I want to gain her trust again. Today is a Sunday for me, and I have to go back to school tomorrow, and I have her class then. A part of me is really scared to go to school, a part of me is really angry at my teacher for reporting me (even though it was the right thing to do), and a part of me wants to ditch school tomorrow, or even drop out or transfer from her course, all because I don’t want to face her after I did the wrong thing. It’s not only that, either. I’ve also been avoiding my friends. Would you like to know why I am confiding in awesome strangers on the internet anonymously instead of letting my friends know what’s going on? It’s because I’m afraid that they won’t like me anymore, and they’d ditch me or something. They’re amazing people, and I know that they won’t do that, but a part of me is still paranoid. I’ve been avoiding my friends since Friday, barely talking to them at school, and texting them a little bit in our group chat. They don’t really suspect anything, but that’s good. And that’s why I am asking you. Not just you, but actually anyone who sees this, if they helped me, I’d really appreciate it. I really need help moving forward in this situation, and I’m desperate for help. My parents don’t understand the situation I’m in, and I’m too scared to talk to my friends about it, so I’d really appreciate the help. It’s OK if you don’t reply to this, author. I know that this doesn’t affect you in any way, so you’re not obliged to help me. I’d like to thank you for taking the time from your day to read these extremely long asks. Have a great day. P.S: I absolutely love What Heroes Do! Izumi is such a well written character, and sometimes, I see myself in her. The way she handles situations is so inspirational! And your writing skills are top-tier! My best friend and I actually started writing a book 4 years ago (I mean, we wrote for one month in 6th grade, and then spent one day in 8th grade editing it, and we’ve only got a prologue and 1.5 chapters done, so… clearly, we aren’t doing a good job lol), and you’ve inspired me to go back to that book and re-do it! Thank you so much for being such an inspiration and an idol of mine! Ilysm ❤️

sugiwa:

I wanted to take the  proper time to reply to this. I think any adult willing to hold a grudge against a child is in the wrong. You clearly made a mistake and are now taking steps to improve and learn from it. Additionally, I think teachers tend to forget how much stress students are under in their academic and private lives, so a mistake should be used as an opportunity to teach not punish. I don’t think that you should worry about what this teacher thinks of you. Your teacher didn’t believe you, despite you telling them the truth. No matter how kind or nice someone is, their behavior towards you will always reflect their inner thoughts. If you’ve clearly made a mistake, you should fight to prove that. It’s not as if you intended to ‘cheat,’ given the situation we’re all in with the pandemic, online classes and quizzes are the norm. These kinds of things probably happen regularly. Additionally. I don’t think you need to concern yourself with being rude. My culture is rather blunt and when I first moved here, people weren’t fans of brutal honesty, so it was a big cultural shock.  If people aren’t willing to learn about your culture and understand, then I don’t think they’re people worth hanging out with. Lean on your friends, I don’t think they’d make a big deal over a couple of mistakes and if they do, then it might be worth reconsidering why you were friends with them. 

Thank you for your kind words about the story and I really hope everything works out for you!!

[repost-this-image]

“Canon” does not mean “moral:” A reminder to the FanPol

Okay, so I have a lot of feelings about the whole SessRin thing, so I’m going to post about it.

The first thing I want to point out:  Fiction set in another time period may depict things that we know today to be immoral, but which people at that time and place did not.  I am mentioning this up-front, because eventually some of the younger folks are gonna have to learn about Uncle Tom’s Cabin and Huckleberry Finn, and unless you keep this idea in mind, y’all are gonna have a really Bad Time in high school.

(More under the cut, to save your dash)

So in this post, I’m going to discuss several aspects of SessRin, and this also means I have to get one thing out of the way:

I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS SHIP.

I have grudgingly accepted that it is canon, but that doesn’t mean I have to like that it is canon, nor that I am totally okay with the way it is handled. (I am not.)  I am mentioning this, because I know that the Fandom Police are going to misconstrue this post as me being super into all sorts of Nasty Shit, and I am not.  (Also, some of that Nasty Shit isn’t even relevant to the SessRin ship in particular, but some folks don’t let petty things like facts get in the way of a personal vendetta.)

So let’s look at the several things wrong with SessRin, and why it happened anyway:

1.  Mayfly-December Romance:  Sesshoumaru is well over a century old (it’s implied he reached maturity before his and InuYasha’s father died), and Rin is a mortal human being.

Given that Sesshoumaru still views his wife as beneath him, it’s possible that he simply chose Rin because, as a human, she is less-powerful than he is and will thus be more inclined to submit to his will.  (Yes, this is abusive.  Buckle up; it’s not getting better.)

2.  Wife Husbandry:  Sesshoumaru is a sort of father-figure to Rin in the InuYasha series.  Sooooo creepy.

Yes, it is creepy.  It is not incest (as I’ve seen argued about people who are “like a father/brother/sister/whatever”) because they are not related, but it is still creepy.  (Yes, this aspect of the relationship is creepy for non-incest reasons!  A relationship doesn’t have to be incestuous or pedophilic to be shady AF!!)

BUT.  Also remember that Rumiko Takahashi has drawn from a lot of Japanese literature and folklore for InuYasha and YashaHime.  As gross as it is, the very first novel, The Tale of Hikaru Genji, has the titular character foster a young girl in order to ensure that she grows up into the Perfect Wife.  This practice, while super-shady, would have been considered normal in ancient Japanese culture.  Even Victorian novels often have the “foster sibling/child that you fall in love with later when they’re an adult,” and due to shifting cultural mores, they did not consider it at all weird or creepy.

It is okay for us to consider it weird or creepy, AND ALSO acknowledge that people in the culture depicted would not have considered it weird and creepy.

3.  Teen Mother, Adult Father:  This.  This right here is the reason I am squicked by SessRin, because I have Done The Math.   Hisui looks to be, at most, 3 or 4 in last week’s episode when Rin gives birth.  This makes her, at most, 16.  Relationships between adults and teenagers are based on an imbalance of societal power.  This makes them almost invariably abusive.

Is this less disgusting than Rin being 12?  Yes, but only because a 16-year-old is more likely to survive giving birth, and a 12-year-old isn’t at all.  Sesshoumaru does at least give the tiniest sliver of a rat’s ass, since he didn’t get Rin pregnant young enough that birth would rupture her pelvic organs, but that still doesn’t make this okay by modern standards.  We are right to be concerned for Rin here.  The differences in societal power and emotional maturity are the REASON why most people frown upon marriage to underage teens.  We recognize that teenagers are much more mature than, say, a 10-year-old, but that the difference between a 10-year-old and a 16-year-old is still Not Enough to make up for the big maturity gap between a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old.

(By the way, marriage at 15-17 is still legal in many US states.  Look up if yours is one of them, and call up your state legislature about getting that shit changed.  Also eliminate the parental-consent loophole, because a 12-year-old should not suffer just because her parents are okay sending her off to be molested by her new 30-year-old “husband.”)

But the sad fact is, while marrying a girl of 15 or 16 is beyond the pale nowadays, it was just barely within the realm of acceptable to feudal Japanese society.  Remember: this is a time period in which women weren’t supposed to have any real power, by design.  The inequitable nature of an adult-teen relationship was not all that different from the inequitable nature of a relationship between a man and an adult woman, because women were not allowed to have the same rights.  The obvious differences between a 15-year-old girl and an 18-year-old woman were simply Not Important to nobility in a lot of feudal societies, except that it meant that the younger person was more likely to submit and obey her husband/lord.

This is also why we have the sad situation in which Rin views her husband, not with the sort of regard with which Kagome and Sango view InuYasha and Miroku, but with the same childish hero-worship that we saw from her when she was an actual child.  She is too young to be emotionally mature yet.  This is why so many of us are angry about SessRin in the first damn place.

4.  It Glorifies The Relationship:  This one I think could go either way.  Remember, the idea of a girl in feudal Japan being considered marriageable at menarche was also mentioned in "Miroku’s Past Mistake.” In the manga version, when Shima says, “I’m 14 now!  We can be together,” Kagome’s immediate reaction is, “She’s even younger than me!”  It is clear that we, as the modern reader/viewer, are supposed to agree with Kagome that Shima is just too young to get married.

Meanwhile, let’s look at the kind of person Sesshoumaru is:

He doesn’t care about any human at all, except for Rin, and perhaps a bit for his now-sister-in-law Kagome.�� He brutally murders humans throughout InuYasha with little provocation and no remorse.  He is not a good guy, even if he does consider InuYasha and his friends to be decent allies.

Sesshoumaru is still not a good person, y’all.  In S1E15 of YashaHime, he proves that he’s still not a good person by a) going over Rin’s head and taking their newborn twins from her with zero warning or concern about her consent, and b) “protecting’ InuYasha and Kagome by essentially banishing them to his father’s grave indefinitely.

So whether this depiction of SessRin is positive or negative depends largely on how you view Sesshoumaru.  Either way, his relationship with Rin was never “pure” in the first place.  He only protected Rin because he felt that she was different from other humans.  It’s not the kind of love that makes for a healthy relationship of any kind, be it parent-child, platonic, or romantic.  It’s the old, nasty “You’re not like other girls” line in a new guise.

5.  We Still Had Plausible Deniability Before S1E15:  No we didn’t.  This shit was telegraphed from the beginning of the series.  If it took the explicitly-stated fact that Rin had just given birth to Sesshoumaru’s babies for you to see this coming, then you are particularly unskilled at understanding subtext and foreshadowing and should probably work on that.

I came to terms with the unsavory fact that Rin was the mother of Sesshoumaru’s twins by episode 3.  I don’t like it; I especially don’t like the way it’s handled; it is still, however, a Fact that SessRin is canon now.  You can either accept the fact that YashaHime depicts an unhealthy relationship and cope with fanfiction like a normal person, or you can quit watching.  Either way,  nothing you or I do will change the fact that Rumiko Takahashi wrote the series the way she wrote it.

[demonytekav]

Katsuki Fucking Bakugou

Got myself thinking today. Well…every day.

FYI these are my personal thoughts - so take it or leave it I guess I’m not stating this as a fact and your do opinions matter. These are just my thoughts….

So like I’ve seen his home life be taken 2 different ways. A lot of people see the more comical aspect of his mom being aggressive and yelling at him, which to be fair YES it can be fucking hilarious. And I see that too, I find it funny he’s aggressive like her and they fight yada yada.

But I also see the other side of this. The accidentally abusive side. I say accidentally because I do not think his mom is purposely abusing him.

See I grew up in a house with a very dominant and aggressive step dad. He yelled, cussed, and was controlling as all hell over everything. He was always aggravated by me (just breathing was enough let me tell you). And his feelings ALWAYS came first. He CARED (very difficult to see unless you look for it) but has ZERO idea on how to be someone who puts others first. We were always on his timeline. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “sorry”.

The difference here I think is that my step dad beat me down. Didn’t challenge me to do better just out right told me I was shit at whatever I was doing. Or bitched when I didn’t know how to do something. Vs Katsuki’s mom seems like the person who would say “My kid wouldn’t suck at this” and proceed to PUSH her little shit of a son in an aggressive way to do better. And she’d talk him up so much so that he’d get an ego boost about it.

I don’t even want to imagine what it might have been like had he messed up or wasn’t that good at something. I wonder if his mom would give him hell about it unintentionally. And I can almost guarantee the word “sorry” was never uttered to him by her. One thing to note too, is that Katsuki himself is unapologetic about his own behavior and that stems from his own ego/confidence as well as his environment. He grew up in a space where it was natural to yell, cuss, and be violent when getting a point across. For me it was similar but my confidence was never cultivated and instead it was crushed - so I learned to handle others in a softer way but I still come off as stiff.

It’s why I find myself half the time identifying with some things Katsuki does. I have a HORRIBLE time connecting with people and would often rather NOT deal with people especially if they are friendly and nice. Sometimes im inexcusably over confident and arrogant, and have down right asshole-ish behavior on some things. I pick on people I like (friends or romantic interests) in a way to get attention on me for even just a moment. I don’t have the intention of being mean but can come across that way. Or I tend to stay away all together. I get irritated easily over small shit and I have resting “I fucking hate you stop talking” face. Sound familiar?

Getting side tracked. I feel like Katsuki is very similar to me and yet different. I can SEE why he would have been a bully especially to Deku. I can see why he has a complex about being the best and not wanting help. It’s how he grew up, Katsuki doesn’t necessarily understand being the victim, only knows the stance of the abuser and thinks he’s “right”. Where as I have been given the unique perspective of both, I have been forced to understand my step dad as well as be the bully victim (mostly the victim).

Just like Katsuki I CANT STAND asking for help and I HATE people thinking I need it. Abuse does weird things to you and messes with your perception in these things. Help comes across as a weakness or being made fun of. Or as leverage against you. Sometimes you even feel like a burden and that shit just don’t fly.

Katsuki got arrogant as a kid being around those who weren’t as ‘brilliant’ as he was and especially having a home life like he did only fueled that. So it’s understandable that he WOULD see Deku as a cry baby or weak. His perception of strength came from his mothers unintentional abuse and over inflated ego he was given by the adults around him. It doesn’t help that he IS a natural leader. His suspicion of Deku is also pretty on point for this.

I won’t lie here. I didn’t trust ANYBODY growing up. I can imagine Katsuki being very similar, thinking people are wearing masks. Seeing Deku smiling so happily and being constantly nice and helpful would definitely confuse him. Why? Because growing up in an abusive house means at times the abuser is kind to you, sometimes for lengths of time, usually with a goal in mind, before ripping the rug out from under you and they show their true intentions. Katsuki was /is afraid of Dekus selflessness because Katsuki can’t afford to be that way. Cant afford to let his guard down and he probably was afraid of what intentions Deku had. In other words “looking down on him”.

Katsukis anger toward others is another thing I find interesting especially when as a little kid he smiled all the time and walked with his head up high. After the issue with Deku trying to help him as a kid it gave him a very specific (and incorrect) reality check. It also made him even more angry/suspicious of Deku specifically. In high school he wanted NOTHING to do with other people other than for them to worship him and his skills (in a way). He was entering a school where he would have to compete to show he was the best, it was a new experience for him as he has ALWAYS just been the best being as they grew up around all the same kids and nothing ever changed.

But people want to get close to him. It’s a distraction and waste of time, it makes me wonder if this is partly because he knows when school ends they won’t be together anymore. Maybe his separation from Deku as kids (their friendship I mean) actually impacted him in such a strong way even if he was the one to end it. It hurts to no longer have that friendship that was built- he probably saw Deku as a lifelong companion up to a point as a kid- when they discovered he didn’t have a quirk Katsuki probably had another boost to his ego about being better than Deku and at the same time knowing they were not longer on the same path. After the log incident and they were no longer friends in his mind (due to his insecurities and thinking he was being played?) it probably hurt him a lot internally but he didn’t realize it. And maybe later during high school he looked at Deku as actually betraying him, again probably thinks people are nice to get something out of it (thinks he’s being made fun of or looked down on like my point from earlier) and to learn that Deku hid his quirk only solidified that Deku might have been playing him all along (until he learns the truth), and doesn’t want to feel like that again? So he pushes people away? Regardless he is rude and mean to everyone but over time he gets closer to people.

Another thing to note, I think the more un-confident he is the more aggressive he is in regards to some things, so I feel like the way he snaps at his friends is a good tell that he’s not comfortable being close to others. Especially with how he refuses to acknowledge the word “friends”. (Small thought but is he afraid to use the word friend because of losing Deku as friend in the past and the pain/hurt that caused when he thought he was being looked down on and they went their separate ways? Like I said, he may have thought Deku would be his companion running along behind him all his life at that point and then they realized he didn’t have a quirk AND Deku tries to help him and etc that happened so is he afraid to get close to someone again - be ‘played’ - and worried he will just get hurt?????)

I get like this too. My initial response to unknown or uncomfortable situations is to be on guard and prickly. Katsuki when embarrassed would be explosive because that’s much easier to understand. When there are things I don’t understand I get mad or irritated immediately. It’s easier than crying or smiling. Don’t even fucking get me started on hugs because I love them but I HATE them because they make me too emotional and I cry and then I get pissed. Katsuki probably gets weird about physical affection because to him the only affection he’s known is the angry kind. He probably doesn’t understand fundamentally what being in a normal and close friendship is and thinks his way has been right this whole time and everyone else is wrong. Which is why he act like a rabid bear when confronted by affection to him it makes NO sense.

I saw people be ANGRY over him goading Deku in the latest chapters. Calling out his behavior as regressing back to his old ways and how it’s proof he’s not changing.

Personally, I don’t see that. Just from my own self indulgent take on Katsuki here is what I think is happening.

Katsuki is angry. He finally UNDERSTANDS everything and realizes Deku was NOT trying to hurt him and has been genuine this entire time. He understands his behavior/treatment of Deku was misguided and WRONG.

But he’s ANGRY that after everything HE isn’t being trusted (Deku has always had blind faith in him before now). HE is being looked at as weak, we know he’s not but imagine it from someone who is just out of the hospital and had just risked his life and is basically being BENCHED with Deku being in the same state he is in. He probably feels like he’s being viewed as weak. HES worried about Deku 1st and foremost because he knows it’s going to end badly, maybe with loss of life and he can’t STAND to be benched when he could be helping his friend. Yes friend.

Katsuki took it upon himself to atone for what he did and right now his charge has left him behind. His FRIEND left him behind and is doing DANGEROUS things and tying in what I mentioned above. The fact that he didn’t outright attack Deku when their eyes met says it all for me. Katsuki is FURIOUS. But he’s not the little kid who would have tried to beat Deku up because of his anger.

So, he smack talks. He goads Deku. I mean FUCK, I’d bitch out my friends too and antagonize them (it would come off as me making fun) but Katsuki KNOWS it would get to Deku. Knows it would press buttons and he does it BECAUSE he knows Deku isn’t going down without a fight. And also, HES MAD and he’s probably HURT at the least he’s offended.

He is allowed to be MAD at his friends. How many times have you sat and complained or royally bitched out a friend in your head because of something dumb as hell they did? I’ve done it so much.

Thing is, I’m not saying he is doing the RIGHT thing. No no. I’m just stating a fact as to what he is DOING. But he’s not doing what he WOULD have done in the past which would have been to immediately and literally fuck Deku up and yell at him and BRING HIM DOWN verbally and mentally for the sake of BRINGING HIM DOWN.

No he’s mouthing off to show he’s mad plain and simple. He’s wanting Dekus attention on him and Dekus acknowledgement of his mistakes/Katsukis anger.

(Side story, in freshman year of high school a friend of mine made some DUMB as fuck choices. I found out about it between classes from another person. I literally RAGED out loud in the hall way, got some interesting looks, and STOMPED MY FURIOUS ASS 3 floors down to cuss and spit at her like a demon child for it in front of everyone because of how dumb she was. I then spent the next several periods of class steaming and fuming before walking *stomping* her ass home and bitching at her the whole way. Yes we talked about it. But the point still stands that I get why Katsuki rages because I fucking do it too especially the more I care….I’m a lot older now and I don’t yell anymore nor do I let my anger control me)

Katsuki in my opinion is growing, slowly, but he’s growing. This is different than the past. In fact he came with the class as a whole. That itself says everything because he’s always about doing things on his own. It also makes sense that he isn’t dramatically different…..I think that would be almost to disingenuous to his character and wouldn’t show the growth or show he EARNED anything. It would come off as almost….fake. If he acted any differently. I think the only other way I would accept him behaving is for him to be completely SILENT until the right moment and say very specific things. But again, that might also be too far out of his current character.

Katsuki is a tough one. The only reason I feel connected to him is because I can equate my own circumstances and feelings to his due to the similarities of his upbringing. I feel like we are the same coin but each a different side.

I guess I’m saying it’s understandable why he’s such an aggressive ass and why he was a bully and is still being a mouthy shit. He didn’t grow up in a fluffy loving household. So it makes sense for him to be this harsh.

Another thing to note: 1st. He’s a fucking kid. And kids sometimes can not distinguish between right and wrong. 2nd. He IS showing maturity in his actions and growing but again, it’s slow LIKE IT SHOULD BE. He’s learning. In fact, it’ll probably take him years to learn certain things and I bet some stuff he won’t really get the hang of. I know I fucking didn’t. I still come off as an ass. And I’m emotionally constipated. I still can’t fathom certain social interactions and I can’t not be suspicious of peoples kindness. I can’t be outgoing and show affection (like seriously don’t cry near me because I don’t know what the fuck to do with you). I’ve learned how to handle people better and treat others better but unfortunately when you have lived with an abusive parent there’s no telling how exactly you will come out of it or how long it will take you to UNLEARN that garbage and input the correct things.

And it’s going to take him some years to make some corrections. I don’t think he will ever be a fluffy touchy feely guy. And I bet he will still snap and snarl at times. But I can see the way he is being written and it’s showing growth. Subtle as it is. But it’s there.

I’m just saying that if my perspective has any truth to it for this character, then cut the kid some slack. Not too much because hey he still needs to grow and we don’t want to see him regress.

Idk…what do you think? I’m always curious about others perspectives because everyone is so different yet similar. Even in writing I can easily channel Katsuki (to an point) but Izuku or some of the other more friendly characters are VERY difficult for me.

[racefortheironthrone]

Thoughts on House of X#2

I fell way behind on writing these even as I devoured each issue, so I thought I might as well knock these off as the HoX/PoX miniseries come to an end and the “Dawn of X” looms over the horizon. (Also I did a re-read recently and it got my mind buzzing.) 

So let’s get into it!

Moira’s Ten Lives:

It turns out that, like everyone else, I was sort of right/wrong about time travel shenanigans. It’s technically a semi-stable time loop, but I’m not about to quibble. (Incidentally, on a re-read one of the things that’s been really impressive to see with the benefit of hindsight is the way in which Hickman et al. top each issue with the newest high concept or reveal, like some mad plate-spinning act.)

Here’s how the individual lives break down:

Life 1: 

Because everything in this life takes place prior to the activation of her mutant gene (which, talk about a hell of an additive retcon), Moira’s first life is a romanticized, bucolic portrait of innocence not corrupted by worldly knowledge. The emphasis is strongly on family and nature (note the tree motif, which isn’t as prominent as the tower motif but still) as opposed to scientific pursuits.

On the other hand, you definitely get the sense that the perfect nature of this life is a distortion caused by nostalgia, as we’ll see in the next life.

Life 2:

Moira reincarnates for the first time with full knowledge of her previous life, which for all that HoX/PoX has been analyzed through the lens of both Christian and Jewish theology, can’t help but draw from Hindu and Buddhist thought.

One key aspect of her power is that Moira is given an enormous developmental leg up, being born with all of the skills of a grown adult. Suprisingly, we don’t actually get to see Moira make much use of some of the broader implications of her mutant power.

As a good scientist, Moira uses observation and experimentation to prove to herself that her memories are real and that she can change the future through her actions, two critical pieces of information.

Speaking of Buddhism, Moira’s “curse” concept is tied to the Second Noble Truth, that suffering comes from attachment. In this case, Moira’s problem is an attachment to her memories of her idealized first life: when she meets Kenneth Cowan for the second time, the emotional connection isn’t there because her foreknowledge of her first life changes her perceptions.  

At the same time, I wonder how much of her reaction to this upheaval is due to her realizing that her first life wasn’t as perfect as she thought it was (the flaws she focuses on), or that she herself has changed and isn’t content to live and die as a rural schoolteacher.

In this timeline, Charles decides to come out of the closet as a mutant on national television, which is a different tack to how he’s approached pro-mutant activism in the past, although there is a common theme of putting his faith in public debate. Sadly a faith that will be broken. 

Despite her misgivings about her own mutant gifts, Moira decides to fly to America to meet Charles...and dies in a plane crash. I wonder how much of her heel turn in life 3 is due to the Kenneth Cowan issue and how much of it comes from her experiencing violent death for the first time?

Life 3:

In Moira’s third life, she turns sharply away from Charles (nicely symbolized by her turning away on a pub stool) to try to cure the mutant gene, which brings her face-to-mask with Destiny, who is the closest thing that this issue has to an antagonist (at least in the sense an outside force acting on Moira and changing her behavior).

The conversation between them is split in two: in the first, Destiny does a good job of laying out why narrative of individual choice/consumerism don’t really work with regard to mutant cures, because of pre-existing structures of power and inequality that will turn an option into a mandate. Something that Whedon’s “Gifted” arc and X3 should have maybe mentioned. 

(Incidentally, even before we got the later infographic from Powers of X #4 about mutant genocides, I thought this didn’t bode well for Wanda Maximoff.)

After setting up a Prisoner’s Dilemma situation - if you don’t change your behavior, this scenario will keep recurring - Destiny then gives us the next big reveal of the issue. Moira’s powers of resurrection only give her ten or eleven lives, that there is a way out of the cycle of endless rebirth if she makes the “right choice.” (Word is still out on the other aspects of the Eightfold Path.) I don’t know what the eleventh signifies - after House of X #5, I saw a lot of people suggesting pod-rebirth as her eleventh life, but I dunno. 

However, I did spot something this time: Destiny “see[s] ten lives...eleven if you make the right choice at the end.” This may be me reaching, but it suggests that Destiny knows already that Moira isn’t going to get it right in lives four through nine, but isn’t telling her. Which, given the immense potential involved in combining their powers, suggests that it’s not just about Rube Goldberging her way to the Good Ending but rather that Moira has to experience her defeats personally in order to grow into the person who would make the right choice. 

Life 4:

Having received a fiery “swift spiritual kick to the head,” Moira makes two changes in her life. First, she begins to approach the question of mutancy from a systems perspective - although I have some significant issues with Hickman’s evolutionary biology. Second, she looks deeper past Charles Xavier’s “confidence...arrogance,” to see the real Charles beneath, and the two fall in love (which makes the second time in her lives).

The result seems to be the 616, breaking down into the Gifted Years (the Kirby/Lee years), the Time of Hate and Fear (the All-New X-Men given to us by Claremont et al.), and “the lost decade,” which given the associated panel is a pretty clear slam on the last ten years of X-Men storytelling, most pointedly Avengers vs. X-Men. 

This page (p. 17) has made me somewhat out of step with a lot of folks who’ve been arguing online that Moira’s sixth life must be the 616 - a trend we’re going to see repeating.

Regardless, this timeline is the first to end with Sentinel genocide, resulting in Moira for the first time seeing the dystopian dilemma. Much of what follows is a series of unsuccessful iterative attempts to solve this dilemma.

Life 5:

In her first go, Moira decides to see if accelerating the process will work, showing Charles what happened to his dream in her past lives. Hickman’s use of the term “radicalized” is key here to understanding what’s going on with Krakoa in X^1, because as Moira learns (and Charles will learn), separatism alone will not do the trick. Mutants got an 11-year head start to build up their defenses, and the Sentinels came anyway.

Life 6:

Because this life remains completely redacted, the fandom has gone absolutely nuts in speculation. One common speculation I’ve seen is that the X^3 timeline is Life 6, which I find quite puzzling. The reveal in Powers of X #1 that Cylobel is stuck in Nimrod’s femtofluid database is strongly suggestive that X^3 is Life 9, unless we’re going to say that in alternate timelines in which so many variables change, there’s always going to be a black brain hound mutant who looks identical to Cylobel and who dies in the exact same way. Which strikes me as falling afoul of Occam’s Razor.

Life 7:

Here’s where we really start zeroing in on the dystopic dliemma, as Moira tries to forestall the inevitable by eliminating the Trask bloodline. It doesn’t work because of the whole idea that AI is a discovery not an invention, and as a result Sentinels will always come about and the only thing that can be changed is the name of the person who’ll discover them.

Here is where Hickman’s obsession with mechanical vs. biological transhumanism (and/or singularities) really come into play. If you’ve read his book Transhuman (which I don’t necessarily recommend, as it comes with some rather nasty sophomoric undercurrents that have aged very badly in the last ten years), you’ll know that Hickman considers biological transhumanism to be superior to the alternative. Something to keep in mind when thinking about mutants vs. the man-machine supremacy, mutants vs. the technarchy, etc. 

Interestingly, we never learn what happened to Xavier or the X-Men in this life.

Once again, Moira is “radicalized” by the seeming inevitability of robotic genocide, although it’s noticeable that her focus is shifting from humans to their creations.

Life 8:

Her solution is to go to Octopusheim and ally with Magneto, presumably because the Master of Magnetism is her first bet to go up against the mutants.

Magneto reacts to “the good news” with thermonuclear war, and gets curb-stomped by a combination of the Avengers, Fantastic Four, and X-Men.

Important note that by this point, Moira dismisses the idea of any great good beyond that only of mutants, and we go for another round of radicalization.

Life 9:

At this point, Moira decides to ally with Apocalypse out of desperation, presumably because Apocalypse is a revolutionary who can’t be killed as easily as Magneto can. 

Although we didn’t know it at the time, this is X^2 (and I think X^3) as well, and while Apocalypse’s power levels allow him to prosecute a war “without end,” it doesn’t solve the strategic stalemate.

Life 10:

I don’t know what the two black panels suggest; it’s quite possible that they’re just pauses for emphasis. 

In her tenth life, Moira takes a step back and focuses instead on “all the old ways of thinking.” Here, I think we see a preview of the Krakoan solution: mutant unity will unlock synergies of cooperation that were not possible while working with limited mindsets and only a part of mutankind. 

Notably, we don’t know when Moira or anyone else found out about the possibilities of Krakoa and mutant biotechnology - we know some of it existed in Life 9 because we see Krakoan flowers being used, but we don’t know if Moira encountered it earlier or whether the higher order stuff was in use. I somehow doubt the resurrection system was intact, because it would seem to make Mister Sinister’s breeding program largely irrelevant.  

Once more, we return to Powers of X #1, as we now know what Xavier learned from Moira’s mind.

Infographics:

The whole circle wrap-around thing is very evocative of other signs we’ve seen (on Cerebro when Xavier uses it for various higher-order stuff, on the Librarian’s face, etc.), but it actively makes the map harder to read, which I think is the point. 

(Also, while I’m complaining: Comixology is not well set up for these large-scale infographics, because it keeps crashing on me when I try to zoom in. Very annoying.)

Note: earlier lives are more leisurely, things more spaced out, and then the pace accelerates as things get more intense.

One interesting difference between Life 4 and 616 canon: Moira and Xavier marry when she’s 23 and establish the Xavier School 12 years later. 

Life 5 is interesting, because we’re seeing repeated themes of Moira in comas, even when it might not be necessary. For example, what’s the dramatic purpose of having the two Sentinel attacks?

In Life 7, I noticed that Larry Trask isn’t killed with the rest of his family. Is it because he turned out to be a mutant?

Life 8 is the first instance where I think the initial panelling let us down. The original one-two punch heavily implied that Magneto was defeated on his first attack on Washington D.C, but here we learn that he ruled America for eight years before being defeated and killed. (Incidentally, this suggests that the visions he’ll have of his failures don’t include this life).

As other people have noted about Life 9, Xavier and Magneto are killed in Years 19 and 21 respectively, which makes it easy to rule out their appearances as happening in Life 9. Also, it’s significant that the first horsemen aren’t on earth (almost certainly on Arakko/No-Place).

Life 10 including Moira’s marriage to Joseph McTaggert despite presumably knowing from earlier lives that he would be abusive suggests that Moira may well have gone into the marriage because she needed Proteus to form the Five. Not sure how I feel about that. Finally, I’m a bit puzzled about what the schism was and whether it was genuine vs. feigned (after all, Moira is faking her death, so there’s plenty of skullduggery going on). 

[the-potter-analyst]

Chapter 9 - The Writing on the Wall

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text word of the day: Innocence

To pick up when Harry hears the voice, I gotta give a hand to Ron and Hermione who were like we have zero idea what’s going on but our boy needs us. All I could think about was them being like this

But all jokes aside, it must’ve been pretty scary on their end to have their friend hear a voice they can’t, saying it’s going to kill, and have said friend run after it. And then they find a cat hanging from the wall with a creepy message next to her. Pretty sketchy.

I first interpreted “innocence” to refer to naivety and purity and it took me until Dumbledore said “innocent until proven guilty” that I realized the intended definition was probably guiltless lol. But I decided to read the chapter with both interpretations! To start with “guiltless,” the big situation regarding this is the rumor that Harry opened the Chamber of Secrets or at least the assumption that he attacked Mrs. Norris. Filch and Snape are quick on the bandwagon that Harry is guilty, but it’s Dumbledore who gives Harry the benefit of the doubt. It’s interesting seeing this in comparison to how the justice system works in the US, because while we claim and act like it’s “innocent first,” the system always assumes you’re guilty unless evidence states otherwise (unless you’re a poc and then you’re just guilty period). I think it’s really important that people in power exercise “innocent first” and appreciate that Dumbledore assumes that Harry is guiltless, even though he was found at the scene of the crime and when others think otherwise. The hosts made a really good point that in western culture, we perpetually live like every bad thing that happens as deserving, like there was one thing we did wrong in the past and now we’re getting punished for it, we internalize it, and similarly, we think that the punishment of a flawed person is deserving even if their innocent of a crime. Just food for thought bc I can go on and on about the justice system.

On the reading of “naivety,” I also looked at moments that are the opposite: cynicism and corruption. I saw this with Filch and Snape respectively. Snape fully knows that Harry couldn’t have petrified Mrs. Norris, but he jumps at the opportunity to punish him in some way. Filch assumes that Harry is attacking him for being a squib, something that Filch is obviously very insecure about. He thinks everyone is against him or out to get him, most likely due to past experiences.

Speaking of naivety, it’s interesting that Harry chose not to share the information about him hearing the voice. That info would exonerate him from blame and put more context on what happened, but he doesn’t bc of a gut feeling (someone who’s completely ignorant would probably delve that info). I liked the discussion in the podcast of how Harry doesn’t trust himself, or at least parts of himself. He has yet to tell Ron and Hermione, his closest friends, about almost being sorted into Slytherin bc of the implications that brings up, that maybe he’s a bad person or could become one. Maybe it’s from his upbringing, but it’s also a part of himself that he doesn’t understand yet, something he can’t control like hearing creepy voices no one else can. It's interesting to think about how this part of him is from Voldemort. He's unaware of this currently, but also doesn’t know what to do about it and his automatic response is to keep it to himself. Bc Harry Potter cannot Trust Adults.

Ron is so goddamn loyal to Harry, because even though he’s hesitant about the voice and very worried about Harry, he still trusts that Harry heard something. As soon as Harry says “yes I know this is fucking weird but it happened,” Ron doesn’t question it further. And this habitually happens throughout the books, like something weird and unexplainable happens to Harry and Ron will be on board with it. I know that in their 4th year this doesn’t happen, but I’ll put a hold on that when I get there since there are claims that it was out of character for Ron. We’ll see.

I also saw Hermione having that pure innocence in that scene with Binns. Another synonym of innocence is “inexperience” or a lack of knowledge, and when Hermione doesn’t know something, she goes to books. And when that fails her, she asks questions! She’s definitely not afraid to do so even with a professor like Binns.

You know, for as much as Ginny is mentioned, in reality she gets no screen time. Every little detail we hear about her is second hand like, hey Harry, this happened to Ginny! It could be that she’s still avoiding any interaction with him because of her crush. I think there’s one small paragraph of Ron talking to Ginny, but she never says anything. But on the topic of innocence, as non-first time readers we know that she not guiltless. She’s the one who opened the chamber and is fully aware of it, though she wasn’t in control of her actions. And it’s terrible that her brothers are like they’ll catch that maniac and expel him. And it distresses her more that Ron, Harry, and Hermione are blamed for what she did.

I forgot that the corridor where Mrs. Norris was attacked was right outside Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom. Does that mean Harry heard the basilisk coming out of the chamber?? Also I’ve always wondered where in the heck those openings in the pipes are that can fit a giant ass snake. Bc unless it can change its size and fit through facets, idk how it could just pop up anywhere in the castle. If someone knows the answer pls enlighten me.

Small things:

I know this has been mentioned a lot since Hogwarts Mystery came out, but I wonder if Rowling had the idea of the cursed vaults early so early on

Tfw you’re just short of your page minimum for your essay

How is it with how meticulous Britain is with its historical record that they don’t even know the date when Hogwarts was founded. Like we know the date when Oxford was founded. Did they lose those documents sometime in the past? But even then you’d think there would still be oral histories about it. We don’t even get an approximate date?? The historian in me is unsatisfied.

I wonder if the Gryffindors have History of Magic with Hufflepuffs bc only Gryffindors were speaking up in class. If there were Ravenclaws in that room they’d also jump in lol

Man, Colin has said “hiya Harry!” so much that Harry now has an automated response to him

Something tells me Harry would love being with the Scooby Doo gang

Previous: Chapter 8 - The Deathday Party

Next: Chapter 10 - The Rogue Bludger

[jq37]

I'll be the one that bites the bullet. Fantasy High episode 11--thoughts?

**spoilers for cool kids, cold case**

Hoo boy. 

That could be my entire write up honestly because, geez ya'll. 

Let's break it down. 

Sidenote, I just got mildly into Overwatch so every time I say that and I say it a fair amount, I hear Lucio in my head. 

Anyway, like I said in an earlier post, I'm now pretty sure that the bloodrush fight didn't go the way Brennan expected. Like either he didn't expect them to win or that they would win but not kill Daybreak because there was so much exposition and change and repositioning in this episode. It was a lot like the first session with all the setup. It's like he needed to get them on a new trajectory so he took an episode to time jump and change the status quo before--BAM. But we're getting to that.

In another show or even another episode of this show, the opening convo with Ragh might have been the wildest part of the ep. There’s just so much to unpack there.

Fig making him kowtow to Gorgug and everyone being like dude, stop making it weird. 

Before she did that, Emily paused and you could just see every other person looking like “What insane thing is gonna come out of her mouth now?”

Kristen getting the scoop on his super gay dreams. 

Adaine trying to get him to got to therapy (and also to realize that he's gay). 

The group whole ass making him cry for possibly the first time?

Fabian trying to shut everything down.

“You’re cumming from your eyes.”

 Kristen, please stop. I’m begging you. 

As I suspected, the group reached the point of yeah, we NEED to call Riz's mom this ep. Like, they *had* to call her. You can only realistically take shenanigans so far before it becomes straight unrealistic to not just call a responsible adult. 

And, speaking of, yay! We got to see a little of everyone’s parents just like I wanted/predicted. 

We actually got a lot of stuff from my wishlist. There’s so much time jumping and stuff in this episode I don’t even know where to start. 

This is probably the wrong place to start but I remember wondering what their Christmas equivalent was because they can’t have Christmas because of the Christ thing so when they were like Solstice I was like, oh duh. It’s literally right there. How could I miss it.

OK I guess 

Christmas Solstice party at Gorgug’s house! I knew his house would end up being the hang house.  

Sklonda handled the situation pretty close to how I thought she would. I really think Brennan was forced into a, “This adult is too responsible to not wipe out my next ten plot points over the course of a week,” corner and that’s why he had to pivot. More on that later.

Fabian just refusing to eat any of the fast food she got them.

I totally forgot Adaine has diplomatic immunity. Which actually means she’s the ideal Bad Kid to do anything shady they need done, even though that’s not really her style.

Unlike, other people

We’re getting there

I’m glad Brennan drew the line at Kristen’s parents actively being in a cult. He was like, OK no. They’re willfully ignorant but they’re not PART OF THE CULT.

I also think it’s interesting that they didn’t actually kick her out? Like they sorta kinda did but not really because it seems like she’s couch surfing of her own volition a little and staying home sometimes too? I wonder how her brothers are doing.

Both of Fig’s dads just work at her school now. I wonder is they commiserate about her w/ Goldenhoard.

I can’t believe Brennan is letting her just ruin the life of this random, full-adult dwarf doctor. Like, imagine if any adult in her life found out about that.

Brennan says bud a lot. Almost as much as he says rad.

Gorgug choosing playing the drums as his proficiency, but not well. Just, like, a simple drum beat. Bro. Why.

Adaine’s makeover!

I knew we were gonna get to see that. Or at least I really hoped we would.

And it was in boutique setting similar to what I imagined. A little surprised that she went straight for the jeans and t-shirt thing but dope. I want fan-art. 

Also, if I hadn’t already been convinced, that scene would have convinced me that Fabian got everyone the gifts (before it was confirmed later).

“You’d look nice as a sailor.” Is that like a pirate thing, bro?

Real talk, does Fabian for-real, for-real have a crush on Adaine low key?He’s complimented her looks more than once, which he hasn’t done with the other girls. They’re at a similar social class which might be a factor. And he clearly has a thing for blond elves.

WE’LL GET TO IT. 

I am Concerned about Adaine’s jean jacket, regardless of how dope it is.

Someone needs to talk to Fig about the rat thing. Possibly also Emily. 

42069 LANE (or whatever it was). I hate that I love Brennan for that.

“The worst thing about you is that you’re rich.”

But aww, Fabian. I’m glad it ended up being him (and shoutout to the anon who pointed that out to me). This is exactly the character growth I wanted from him.

When Gorthalax said that tryouts had already happened, I was legit upset for Fabian for a sec. Also, how did I know Gorgug was gonna somehow end up on the bloodrush team?

Guys I feel like there’s still a million more things to talk about.

Adaine finding out about Riz’s dad. God I hope there’s a heart to heart soon but she won’t just drop that info unless she has a really good reason.

GILEAR. I can’t believe that was him on a NAT 20. God, he has zero game. Also, imagine Fig and Riz as siblings. Lord.

The return of Tracker. I was concerned that she was in college but she’s like a Sophomore so Kristen is good to go as soon as she stops being a total disaster so actually that’s probably a moot point. 

Sidenote, kinda surprised that she’s a cleric. I thought she was off religion totally but I guess she just switched. But I feel like it’s hard to be totally non-religious in a world where gods 100% for sure exist?

Adaine going, “Mrs. Gukgak. Actually Captain Gukgak,” to her racist-ass dad gave me life. 

OK so re: the whole conversation about perditional contradoxy and treaties and war and such. How much of that was in the plan and how much of that was last minute retooling by Brennan? Because, I’m going to be honest. If it wasn’t for that comment by Siobhan, I would never have guessed that we were off the rails. But, with that in mind, this feels like the work of a GM who needs to keep the game going because things ended up moving too quickly.

It does answer the question of where the story is going now that the Harvestmen seem to be taken care of. I was a little surprised when Brennan was like, “Yeah Riz’s mom gets them all arrested,” because I’d assumed that the bad guy was going to be just the higher guy on the totem pole. 

OK, I’m sure I’m missing some things because this was a JAM PACKED ep so, if I missed something you wanted my thoughts on, please tell me and I’ll be super happy to write more words but let’s get into that scene. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK OK OK

Before we start, I’m so pumped about all of this development but I hate how often I’m going to have to type the word Eolwyn because my fingers refuse to accept that that’s how that’s spelled.

ANYWAY

Dude, the pacing, switching between Adaine and home and the rest of the gang at the party. Like, I knew what the reveal had to be as soon as she walked in but I was still like, “Oh my God. Oh my GOD.”

Sidenote: It was very convenient for Brennan that Adaine never actually read those books because it was an easy and non-cheating way to dole out exposition now, later in the game.

What were the mechanics of Adaine not being invited to that party? Did Eolwyn specifically get her not invited? Did she actually get invited but couldn’t go because of the dinner at home? Did all her friends still decide to go, knowing she wasn’t invited? Was she OK with that? How exactly did that go down?

EOLWYN

BUSTING into that party

Magicking up a bunch of LOVE SLAVE PUPPETS

SNORTING magic coke

Playing Spin the Bottle DEATH ROULETTE 

MAKING OUT WITH FABIAN

CUT TO: I’M GOING TO KILL MY SISTER

DAMN BRENNAN, I did NOT Expect you to go THAT hard.

AND THEN IT KEPT GOING

Assuming they all live, I can’t WAIT for the, “YOU KISSED MY SISTER????” conversation. 

Which means they’ve either never met Eolwyn or only in passing and not enough to remember her. 

Shoutout to Riz for being the only person to give Adaine a heads up. 

Her eyes glow blue when she does certain types of magic so I’m just picturing her walking into that room, eyes blazing blue, ready to F up her sister (even BEFORE she finds out what’s going on).

I don’t remember if she called Eolwyn a c**t in this ep or the promo for next but I was like, “Oh damn.” Like you got her to escalate her cursing that much that quickly? Damn.

Also, I love that when she’s really upset, Adaine skips the magic and just starts hitting people. 

OK, so remember in the first ep when Eolwyn tried to have Adaine steal that book? The book that I’m pretty sure is the one they mentioned as having wards on it to keep monster stuff from happening at school? So, here’s what I want to know. Has Eolwyn always been a part of this? Because, clearly, it looks like she is right now. But it’s possible the original intent was that she wanted to get Adaine to do it as a prank, not knowing it was important and then, Brennan checked his notes while salvaging the plot and decided to work it in.  

Also, unlikely, but imagine if Eolwyn somehow induced Adaine’s panic attack during her entrance exam to Hudol specifically so she would fail, have to go to Augefort, and steal the book for her. Wouldn’t that be wild?

Idek what else to say about that last ten minutes or so that isn’t just incoherent, Ally-esque screeching.

I have to say, battle eps are never my faves but I’m looking forward to this one more than any other one so far. 

Man, I can’t believe I thought Eolwyn asking for that textbook might turn into a sister bonding moment. Lol @ past me.

Anyway, kick her ass Adaine!

[tjroewrites]

The Winner Takes it All

Pairings: Castiel x Reader

A/N: The reader’s home life that is described in this pic is, in summary, mine So, this one-shot is pretty personal for me. Basically, I wrote down what I wish someone would say to me. But hearing it from myself was empowering enough. I hope anyone that lives in a similar situation reads this and hears what they need to hear to give them hope for their future. Thanks for reading, y’all.

Prompt: The reader and Castiel play a game of Uno. 

Warnings: Mentions of family death. Broken homes. A bit of angst (c’mon, you can’t be that surprised. This is me we’re talking about). Fluffy ending. 

Word Count: 2.7k

           Y/N slapped her card onto the table with a smirk. “Blue six.”

           Cas squinted his eyes. “My card was red. I thought the colors had to match.”

           “But both cards were a six.” She wagged her brows. “As long as the color or the number matches, it can be played. Doesn’t have to have both.”

            “This game is strange.”

           “Quit whining and play a card.”

           They were the only two in the bunker. Dean and Sam had left for a beer at one of the few bars within the Lebanon city limits. Y/N was still feeling the effects from last weekend, when Dean had suggested a ‘family outing.’ The next morning, she woke up on the bunker’s kitchen floor with her shirt on backwards and a half empty Coors Light still in her hand. Yeah, she needed a break after that one. And Cas wasn’t one to enjoy one of Dean’s buck-wild escapades. So, there they were, seated across from one another at the table in the middle of the bunker; Y/N sipping on a soda while Cas watched. When Y/N had suggested a round of Uno and he had looked at her like she was speaking in tongues, she knew what their night would consist of. Dean and Sam would go wild in the Kansas streets. Y/N would school Cas in the art of a classic card game.

           Cas searched his hand before settling on one. He gently slid a yellow six on top of her card. “Is that allowed?”

           “There you go.” Y/N smiled. She played a yellow two. “See, you’re getting the hang of it.”

           “Human games are so intricate. There are so many rules.”

           “Angels don’t play games up in heaven?” She watched him sift through his cards and plan out his next move. His eyebrows furrowed. His head tilted slightly. His lips moved in a subtle fashion as thousands of strategies played through his mind. Everything he did, no matter if it was researching a monster or washing his hands, he put so much thought into. So much effort. Less because he needed to, more because he actually cared about the outcome. There wasn’t a man on the planet with more compassion and drive than Castiel. She took another sip of soda to hide her smile. “What do you do to pass the time, then? Twiddle your thumbs?”

           “We don’t have thumbs.” He placed a card. A yellow four. “We have wings.”

           “You know what I mean.”

           “Time is not so much of a concept in heaven as it is on Earth.” Y/N picked through her cards. She settled on a green two. “Thousands of earth years could pass and it would feel like nothing to an angel. I have lived for millennia and it feels similar to a blink of a human eye.”

           “So, these last few years on earth have probably drug on for you.”

           “Yes.” His eyes darted from the card she placed and back to his hand. “But not in the way you think. I have enjoyed my time on Earth. Regardless of the obstacles and trials I have faced.”

           “You don’t have a card to play, do you?” Y/N quirked a brow.

           He sighed. “What happens now?”

           “Draw from the deck ‘til you do.”

           He began to pull from the pile one by one. He huffed out a breath after the third card. “None of these are suitable to play.”

           “Then keep going.” Y/N snorted.

            He grumbled something under his breath.

            “Come again?” She asked. A grin split her face. He was a sore loser. How adorable.

            “I said, this game is frustrating.” The tight line of his lips relaxed after the fifth card. “Finally.” He all but threw the card on the pile. A green eight. “I have bones to pick with the creator of this game.”

            Y/N laughed. “I’m sure he’d love to sit down with an Angel of the Lord and discuss his family-based card game.”

            “Family.” He repeated, training his eyes on her. “Did you play this game with your family?”

            Her family. Memories of her early life came pouring through her mind like a freshly thrown flood gate. Her baby sister’s smile. Her father’s laugh. Her mother’s hugs. It felt like yesterday that she was still living at home, attending the local community college and working at a sandwich shop. Now, she was a hunter; living in an air-tight vault in the center of the states with two problematic brothers and a fallen angel. It wasn’t what she pictured her future to be like. She wondered if her father would have been proud of her. She sniffed. “My dad wasn’t one for card games. Unless it involved sports of some kind.”

            “He was an athlete?”

            “Best golfer in the state.” Damn, she didn’t have anything. She drew a card from the pile. A wild card. She placed it on the table. “I choose red.”

            He tilted his head. “We can choose colors?”

            “Only if it’s a wild card.” She pointed at her play. “If you play this card, you can choose the color. In this case, I choose red.”

            “So that is what that card is.” He muttered, a smile playing on his lips. Oh, no. She didn’t like that look. He cleared his throat and let his face fall into that same expressionless stare he was so good at. “You said the card is red?”

            Y/N nodded. He studied his hand for a moment before speaking again. “You said your father golfed. As an occupation or for leisure?”

            “Leisure. Could have gone pro in his younger years. But he married my mom instead.”

            “So, he chose your mother over his athletics.” He put down a red card. It was a skip. “I assume this is playable.”

            “It’s a skip turn card.” Y/N must have been speaking in tongues again by how he looked at her. She chuckled. “It means that the next player can’t go until next round. Since there’s only two of us, you get to go twice.”

            “I see.” Cas’ lip pulled in the corner. “Did he regret his decision?”

            She hesitated for a moment. “Sometimes, I think he did.” He looked up at her from his hand of cards. The lump in her throat swelled a bit more. It took a couple of hearty swallows just to push it down. “Don’t get me wrong, he loved my sister and I. Raised us up right and made sure we had food on the table. But him and my mom… they couldn’t ever sort the shit out in their marriage. I can’t remember them saying that they loved each other one time in my life.” This was not how she imagined this conversation to pan out. Judging by the way his eyes nearly rolled out of his head, neither had he. “Jesus, I’m sorry, that’s some deep shit right there. I haven’t even mentioned that to Dean or Sam yet.”

            Cas began to set the cards down onto the table. “Y/N, we don’t have to- “

            “No, no, it’s not that I don’t wanna tell you.” She straightened up in her chair and cleared her throat. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve even talked to anyone about that. Kinda weird to hear it out of my mouth again, you know?”

            “I think I do.” He lifted the cards once again but didn’t take his eyes off her. “I appreciate you sharing with me. Self-disclosing about such affairs can be…difficult. If not painful.”

            “It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.” His stare returned back to his cards. Hers didn’t. “It was so long ago. Years. But sometimes when I look back it feels like last week.”

            “When was the last time you saw your family?” He played another card. A wild draw four. That bastard. “Green.” He offered a smug smirk.

            Y/N groaned and drew four more cards. “Had to have been at least five years ago. Before I was a hunter.”

            “Do they know that you live this life?”

            “Never got to tell them. They died a few months later.”

            She didn’t want to see his expression, so she looked back at her hand. She had nine cards now, thanks to Cas. Four reds, a yellow skip, a blue switch, two regular blues and one green. She placed the green card.

            “That’s why I became a hunter in the first place.” Y/N continued. “I left home to try and find myself. Traveled around the state for a while. Met some new people. Saw some great cities. I felt like the life I had been living wasn’t leading me anywhere. Figures, the second I leave…”  She trailed off, her gaze flying to the ceiling. Her eyes burned hot behind her eyelids. Damn it, not right now. Not in front of Cas.

            “It isn’t your fault.” He finally said, placing another card. A green zero. “How could you have known?”

            “I should’ve been there to protect them.” She drew two cards until she found one playable. A yellow zero. “If I hadn’t left for my stupid fucking adventure, they’d still be here.”

            “You can’t think like that.” A wild card. “Green.”

            “Jesus, you got any greens in your hand or what?” She had to draw three until she found one. He cracked a smile. “You’re killing me over here.”

            “Quit whining and play a card.” He threw her words back in her face. Y/N snorted.

            “Easy to be the bigger person when you don’t have half the deck in your hand.”

            Their sudden silence seemed to echo off the walls of the bunker for a lifetime. Cas played a green nine. Y/N played a blue nine. Cas put down a wild draw two. Y/N tried not to flip the table. Who the fuck shuffled this deck? She had just drawn two when he broke the quiet moment. “Y/N?”

            “Yeah?”

            “You said that your parents did not love one another.”

            “Still hung up on that, huh?” She scanned her hand with the utmost concentration. She had at least fifteen cards now. He had five. She had to buckle down if she wanted to win this one. “Like I said, not a big deal. I’m an adult now. I don’t give it much thought.”

            “Are you afraid that will happen to you?”

            Her heart sputtered in her chest. She knew what he was referring to. For their ‘family outing’ last weekend, they had settled in at Pooches bar near the center of town. It was the only pub that got rowdy on Friday nights. A few drinks in and, as usual, Y/N had started to feel it. It was about then that a young farm hand began to chat her up: bought a round, spun her around the dance floor, let her beat his ass in a game of pool. He was easy on the eye. Genuine. Respectful. The kind of guy you bring home to meet your folks. It was clear he was more interested in getting to know her than he was in a quick fuck and leave. It wasn’t the first time she met a guy like that. Lebanon may be smack dab on the corner of ‘redneck’ and ‘blue collar’ but it sure bred some wholesome men. But even after knowing all that, she still couldn’t open up. Still couldn’t put herself out there. So, just like every other guy, she slipped out without hardly a goodbye. Left him out to dry like a line of fresh laundry on a summer’s eve.

            Was she afraid? She’d never thought about it like that. Thought it was just the down side of being her father’s daughter. Let as few people into your inner circle as possible. Easier to live that way. But maybe it came from somewhere deeper. Deeper than her father’s lessons and her natural God-given beliefs. A part of her that she could never outrun, no matter many miles she drove.

            “Maybe.” She wasn’t sure he’d even heard it. What a stupid thought. Of course he did. He was an angel.

            Cas looked at her. Really looked at her. The kind of look that every girl dreamed a man would give her. A gaze so soft, a pool of blue coating her in his warmth and protection. An entire summer sky shone back at her. Her breath caught. “Why?”

            “Because my parents- “

           “You are not your parents.” His cards lay abandoned on the table. She hardly blinked before he was in the chair beside her, his fingers around her wrist and squeezing gently. Together, they lowered her cards to the table. “You are your own person. Your parents’ way of life does not dictate your future.”

            Y/N couldn’t formulate a sentence. So, he continued.

            “They made their choice. That was theirs to make. It isn’t your fault that they ended up that way. No matter how much you blame yourself.” She didn’t realize how much she needed to hear his words until he spoke them. Tears pooled in her eyes. “You can’t punish yourself for their actions. You are free to make your own choices. Have your own experiences. Fall in love, take risks, enjoy what this life has to offer you.”

            When she nodded, the floodgates opened. Years of buildup fell from eyes and trailed down her cheeks. He held her face in his hands and wiped them away with his thumbs. “You are an independent woman, Y/N. A strong and comforting force in this world of uncertainty. A bright light in the dark. You are capable of anything and everything.”

            There were a select few that knew about her family history. Her best friend from community college. That random gas station attendant she had broken down in front of on her way back from her family’s service. Her long-lost aunt who had moved to the United Kingdom a year after her sister’s passing without hardly a goodbye. But none had really understood where she was coming from. Bruce from the Gas n’ Sip just offered her a Cola and an awkward one-armed hug. Christine had forced six tequila shots down her throat to numb the pain. Her aunt just avoided it all together. But Cas… he understood. The force of heaven was hardly the traditional ‘Nuclear Family’ ideal. His entire existence was full of nothing but inner-family conflict. He was derived from chaos. He was chaos. But wasn’t that all she was, too?

            “So, what’s next for the great Y/N Y/L/N?” His voice was a rumble from his chest. Like the gentle roll of thunder during a summer storm. Truly a phenomenon worth experiencing. Worth knowing. And just like that, she knew exactly what was next.

            When their lips met it was exactly how she imagined it. Soft. Fleeting. Unhurried. Natural. If it had been an hour before she would have ducked away with a beet red face and a mouth full of apologies. But not now. She was too far gone to care. She had no apologies to offer.

            They pulled away. And then he smiled. That rare, toothy smile that showed a mixture of both Jimmy’s time and his own. Enough to make her forget everything. Enough to give her hope.

            “You are.” She pushed her chair until their thighs sat flush against each other. Their lips all but touching. Her fingers finding the hair at the nape of his neck. “You are my next adventure.”

            The next morning, when the brothers asked about their night, it was with groggy voices and steaming cups of coffee. Cas sat in his original seat from their game of Uno and watched Y/N clean the forgotten cards from the table.

            “Looks like the game ended with a bang.” Sam nodded toward the remaining cards scattered across the wood. She finished packing them inside their box and closed the flap. “Who won?”

            Cas met her stare. He had to bite his lip to keep from grinning. The boys hadn’t noticed his mis-matched buttons or his crooked tie. Not yet, anyway. Y/N just shrugged.

            “Me.” She smiled. “Definitely me.”

Castiel Tags: (not sure if this is how it works, bear with me)

@kristendansmith

[light-wolf]

It pains me to say this, but unless a miracle happens, I probably won’t be getting Monster Hunter: World, at least not right now.

The reason is simple: I can’t justify buying a PS4 (+ the game + PS Plus to hunt online) given my current financial situation. It’s just a lot of money, and other than MHW and Horizon Zero Dawn, there are currently no more “must buys” for me. Yeah I’d like to play Uncharted 4 and Okami HD and others but I can live without those. I’d be buying a very expensive piece of hardware just for two games (even though I know I’d get lots of playtime just from those two games, it still feels wrong).

I’m REALLY hyped for MHW. Despite my initial scepticism and even though I’m still pissed at Capcom’s “betrayal”, I think it looks great and it’s really the next evolution of the Monster Hunter series. I have a few issues with the game but after playing the demo (at a friend’s home) honestly it looks amazing and I’d love to play it even if it’s not on my platform of choice. But I think I’ll have to enjoy all the hype and fun from the outside this time.

I feel like it’s the right choice to make. I have lots of unfinished games. I have many other things I want to do with my free time. Playing a new MH game would consume a lot of that time, so by skipping it I’ll have time to do more stuff. It sounds like something a mature, rational adult would say (not me, lol), so maybe I’ll take the wise choice for a change.

Not to mention, I don’t have stable internet access or even a TV most of the time because of my current work/living arrangement, and the days I do have them are the same days I get to have most of my social life, which I still value somewhat.

So where does that leave me? Well, there’s the miracle option. I could also wait and see if they release a cheap bundle or something in the future, when/if I have a more stable income and the game has been in the market for a while. Maybe I upgrade my PC (unlikely but possible) and I can get the PC version. Or, in an ideal world, Capcom would come to their senses and release a “Portable” version of MHW for the Switch, that would be honestly the best scenario because the Switch is the perfect platform for MH. Hell, I’d be (kinda) happy if they just localize MHXX, and then hopefully release a new Fifth Gen MH for Switch.

I feel so bad skipping the next game of a series that means so much to me, but I guess I can’t have everything I want.

[williamlwolf89]

Why You’ll Never Reach Your Writing Goals in 2020 (Unless…)

Another week passes with no progress on your writing goals.

No first draft, no blog post, no portfolio piece.

Zilch. Nada.

Nauseating guilt washes over you. At the beginning of the new year you were so hopeful, even making a New Year’s resolution to write more in 2020.

But you never seem to get around to it, at least not as much as you should.

Feeling too tired, distracted, or overwhelmed to get into the flow, you procrastinate and prioritize everything but writing.

Fed up with this situation, you decide to set the best damn goals the world has ever seen.

Unfortunately, even if you’re setting writing goals that would make Tony Robbins jealous, there’s still a good chance you will fail.

Unless…

You turn one of your assumptions about writing on its head.

Goal Setting Wisdom: Vapid or Valuable?

You’ve heard it all before.

Maxims to:

Get inspired

Keep a positive mindset

Visualize your outcomes

Repeat positive affirmations

Connect with your “why”

Set goals (more on this below)

None of this is bad advice. In fact, these are all useful practices. But are they enough?

No.

And there’s the problem. You’re told that if you follow the conventional wisdom, set clear goals, and keep your chin up, success will be yours.

Even with all these strategies, victory is not guaranteed.

Why?

Because there is something inside you, in all of us, that will undermine your best intentions.

But, before we stroll down that dark road, let’s review the basics of goal setting. It’s a necessary first step for achieving your dreams this year.

Simple Step-by-Step S.M.A.R.T. Goal Setting

Want your goals to stand a fighting chance?

Then follow the S.M.A.R.T. formula: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound.

Let’s quickly break down each part:

Specific: Start at the Finish Line

Great goals are specific about what you’re going to achieve and when it will happen.

Ask:

“How will I know objectively that I accomplished this goal?”

Measurable: Amount of Time vs Word Count Goals

You need measurable goals that are easy to track. Examples include the amount of time spent writing (“30 minutes daily before breakfast”) and word count (“300 words daily before breakfast”).

A simple spreadsheet works well for this:

Tracking enables you to adjust your efforts and expectations based on objective data.

Another method I enjoy using is a simple Kanban style board with the easy to use (and free) writing project management tool, Trello.

Attainable: Smaller Goals vs Larger Goals

Daring to dream big is noble, but some writers are overwhelmed by bigger goals.

Balance big, inspiring (and scary) goals with smaller goals that feel attainable in the short term. These smaller, attainable goals will lead to “quick wins”, which will give you confidence to tackle the larger goals.

Relevant: Sensible in the Big Picture

You want to be an author, blogger, and start a freelance writing side hustle, but only have so much energy and attention to go around.

Choose your goals wisely. Perhaps you can publish your book in two years and start that side hustle now. Focus, Daniel-san!

Time-Bound: Know Your Goal’s Time Frame

“I’m going to write a book someday!”

Cool, good for you. Someday is a convenient synonym for never. We use it to weasel out of doing the hard work now.

Set hard deadlines to avoid this common trap.

Examples of Effective Writing Goals (S.M.A.R.T. Formula in Action)

That’s a lot of info, so let’s pull it all together. Here are a few good example writing goals:

Blogger: Publish two posts of 2,000+ words every month on my blog in 2020.

Freelance Writer: Apply to 5 writing gigs every week from January through June of this year.

Aspiring Author: Complete my rough draft by December of 2020 by writing every evening at 9 pm for 30 minutes non-stop (no editing!).

See how each goal is specific, measurable, easily attainable, very relevant to the goal setter, and has a clear deadline? That’s what you’re looking for.

If you need more help, read this Hubspot article on the do’s and don’ts of S.M.A.R.T. goals.

Okay, so what if you already have killer goals, a sparkling attitude, make generous offerings to the writing gods under a full moon, and still struggle to write consistently?

You’re not alone…

Back to Top

One Thing You Must Rise Above

How often do you feel like writing?

Let me guess, your list of requirements to write includes:

Feeling inspired, motivated, focused, clear, happy, and confident

Having extra time, enough energy, peace and quiet, and no distractions

You may be asking then, “How can I set my life up so that I feel like writing more often?”

It’s not a bad question. Energy and time management practices to improve performance and mood are useful. But, this question makes an assumption, missing a deeper truth:

Who says you need to feel a certain way to write?

Other worthwhile and fulfilling achievements aren’t easy. Why should writing be any different?

Look, it’s not just you.

Somewhere along the way we all started giving “how we feel” more weight than it deserves. Sure, let your feelings ride shotgun, but don’t hand them the wheel.

Letting how you feel govern your choices places you at the mercy of what Stephen Pressfield, author of The War of Art, calls “resistance.”

Resistance is an insidious beast with many faces, and must be tamed if you’re ever going to succeed.

It’s the voice that says, “You worked hard today, go ahead and take the evening off.”

It fools you into thinking that mundane tasks are urgent, taking precedence over writing. “Afterall,” it assures you, “writing can wait until tomorrow.”

This whole mess generates a vicious cycle.

You blow off writing. Then you feel guilt, self-loathing, frustration, and sadness. This build-up of bad feelings makes you even less inclined to write — and this pattern becomes a habit.

This destructive cycle devours your dreams, one excruciating day at a time.

We must then question our habit of letting today’s feelings determine the fate of tomorrow’s outcomes.

Not to worry, grasshopper. There’s a better way.

Back to Top

Better Writers Know this Uncomfortable Truth

Not to be dismissive of the very real challenges in your life…

But these demands aren’t going away anytime soon, and you still want to write that book or launch that blog.

Don’t you?

If you don’t learn how to decouple your actions from how you feel, your goals will pay dearly.

The result:

No book

No blog

Zero followers

No side income

No legacy

Because, let’s be real, these are the stakes.

What if, like Ryan Holiday suggests in The Obstacle is the Way, you take a different approach? Not only accepting difficulties as a given, but actually being grateful for them.

What I’m proposing here is to go beyond simply accepting the idea that you will have to write even when you don’t feel like it.

No. Take it further.

Seek Out Discomfort

Savor it like Hannibal Lecter enjoying chianti with his fava beans.

Because here is the secret, my friend.

How you feel will always be inconsistent, but you must become consistent in your actions regardless of how you feel.

This is the key that opens a door to the magical realm of growth and achievement.

Jon Morrow breaks this down nicely in this episode of his podcast Break Through the Noise:

“A lot of times, what success usually means is… actually putting yourself into a state of boredom, into a state of unhappiness, in order to create long term results… It’s short term pain for long term gain.”

And before you get the wrong idea…

This doesn’t have to be an exercise in masochism.

Instead, think of your competing desires like an adult with a child.

The whining child is bored and just wants to play. The loving adult speaks patiently, acknowledging that, “Yes, I know this is hard. I can see you don’t feel like it. Let’s just sit down and write for a moment. You’ll see. It will be fine.”

And you know what?

Every time you choose to act greater than your fear, laziness, and resistance, you build the habit of doing just that. Proving that you are greater than what you feel.

Okay, so how can we do that?

Back to Top

Your Writing Habit: Virtuous Friend or Vicious Foe?

Habits are powerful.

Deeply etched upon your nervous system, they compel you to act without conscious will.

The bad news?

You already have a writing habit — a bad habit.

Remember the vicious cycle mentioned earlier? Cycles are repetitive, and repetition builds habits.

Not to worry!

Now you’ll learn how to create a new cycle — a virtuous cycle that doesn’t rely on you being in the mood to write.

Hack Your Writing Process

How you feel is often at odds with your goals.

Fortunately, there are elements in your daily life that can reliably trigger your drive to write.

There’s a scientific approach to this.

In his book Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything, BJ Fogg provides his A, B, C framework for building what he calls “tiny habits”:

Anchor: Something happens that reminds us to do the thing

Behavior: Immediately do the thing

Celebration: Immediately reward yourself for succeeding

Fogg recommends you start small.

You’re more likely to repeat the process when it’s easy and rewarding. As the behavior gels into habit you can easily scale up, leading to big changes over time.

Here’s how it looks in real life:

Goal: Write 300 words for my short stories every evening this year.

Anchor: Kiss the kids goodnight (a consistent event that triggers your writing routine)

Behavior: Consider lying on the couch and watching The Bachelorette. No, stay strong! Instead, sit at the kitchen table and write at least one sentence.

Celebration: Reward yourself by punching the air and shouting, “I am a winner!” or tweet self-congratulatory messages: #goals #bestwriting

Goal: Complete my rough draft this year by writing for 30 minutes every morning.

Anchor: Make your morning cuppa’ Joe (this will never not happen)

Behavior: Look longingly at your phone, imagining what you’re missing on Insta. Stop! Shuffle over to your desk, sit down, and write for 5 minutes (to start) before breakfast.

Celebration: Eat chocolate cake for breakfast. Or, you know, just have a small piece of that fancy dark chocolate you love.

Simple, right?

Notice how you’re not trying to achieve maximum output. At least, not yet. As these routines become habit, your word count and writing times will naturally increase.

Do you see the difference between the old “feelings first” approach and this new model?

Fogg’s method does generate good feelings in the final celebratory phase of his process. There’s nothing wrong with that. But, these feelings only help reinforce what you’re already committed to doing.

The only time you need to make any decisions about whether you’re going to write is when you initially set your goals.

From then on, regardless of how you feel, just write when the anchor event happens. No deciding. No rationalizing your way out of it.

Back to Top

Your Shockingly Good Year

Not writing feels terrible. It eats away at your soul, undermining your self-worth.

Remember, setting goals is necessary for achieving something great this year, but it’s not enough.

You must stay vigilant, keeping watch for the antics of that wiley trickster inside you. It will say anything to keep you from writing. Because while you’re goofing off, it feasts on your dreams.

Instead, you must cultivate a writing habit — stop relying on fickle feelings to drive your progress.

And when you reach the end of the year?

Imagine how amazing it’s going to feel not only hitting, but surpassing your goals.

When you finally:

Grow your blog

Break into a new niche

Multiply your income

No more sadness and frustration. No more guilt, shame, or self-doubt. And no more wondering whether you have what it takes!

You will be in control, with the power, confidence, and freedom to shape your destiny. Not only as a writer, but in all areas of your life.

If you haven’t set S.M.A.R.T. goals, do that right away. Don’t wait!

Then think about a simple routine you can start tomorrow. What trigger will remind you it’s time to write regardless of how you feel?

Remember, if it feels uncomfortable, hard, or scary then you’re on the right track.

You, the courageous writer who dines on discomfort and relishes resistance, are unstoppable.

Good luck! You got this!

About the Author: James Everett Youngblood is the owner of ProductiveMen.com. He’s a Smart Blogger Certified Content Marketing Writer specializing in search-optimized longform content, and he can help your blog capture more search traffic and better reader engagement. Click here to learn more about him (and hire him).

The post Why You’ll Never Reach Your Writing Goals in 2020 (Unless…) appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from SEO and SM Tips https://smartblogger.com/writing-goals/

[4wordletter]

I just hope you know I appreciated everything you did. I would’ve offered to cover more (of my own will of course; not because I felt like I owed you), but I didn’t want to press. you told me no, I wasn’t going to be annoying about it. I offered to cover gas, you said no. I figured if I kept offering to cover bills you’d keep saying no. I’ve learned to try not to be annoying and argue when someone gives me something, ya know? I just didn’t realize it did feel unbalanced to you. and I do feel bad about it.

it wasn’t that I didn’t want to reciprocate. that was just the rhythm I noticed we’d fallen into, and there were things I wanted to get for my mom and charlotte that I didn’t want you also paying for. it wasn’t things for me; that’s not fair to ask you to pay for it. like I said, you’d been generous enough. I didn’t see it from your perspective, how that might’ve looked. I hope you know that I would’ve covered all of it without hesitation if we’d agreed to split grocery bills. we just never talked about it, and I guess I didn’t press hard enough. that’s on me. it’s an uncomfortable subject.

not to mention… splitting bills is the norm for me. my friends and I don’t do all-or-nothing unless someone’s flat broke. we all take care of our own charges. given that you don’t do that, I can see how you’d interpret me paying for those few things separately as rude. if it were up to me, I’d have paid for all my food the whole trip separately from yours, maybe alternate or something on shared food. that’s just what I’m used to. I don’t see it as being too detail-focused, it’s only fair. counting pennies is a bit much; I wouldn’t be that nitpicky about it. I just didn’t know that you saw that particular thing the way you did, and I never would have guessed that was the issue either, honestly. I was pretty hurt that you just walked away and left me there, and then didn’t tell me what was wrong. I literally had no idea what it was. maybe I’m just not as generous as you are, but also we apparently function on really different levels with respect to that. I didn’t know you had this expectation that I do the same and were waiting for me to step up, but it absolutely would have been fair for me to pay too. even if we’d just alternated covering each store trip and outing; if we’d talked about it I would’ve agreed to that. but it never came up, before I even left you made it sound like you wanted to cover everything, you kept saying “I got it”, I wasn’t going to argue about it.

I absolutely don’t want to take advantage of you, and actually I did feel uncomfortable with how much you spent on me when you didn’t have to. I don’t know that it’s debt between friends, really, especially if I’m just picking up the tab for my own things. I’m serious about covering more costs if you do come to visit; it’s not fair that you did so much and while I appreciate the generosity I just.. don’t feel good about it. I could have stepped up more and I didn’t. friends don’t take advantage of friends. while I hope I didn’t do that, I do want to make it up to you anyway.

soooo uhhh. i don’t really want to think too much about this cuz it doesn’t matter that much lol. in my experience when i’m with friends or family we tend to distribute things evenly. so if my parents take me for dinner one week and pay, i’ll pay next time. or if a friend buys me a drink or something, i’ll get them a drink next time. if we’re out for a long time we’ll get a round each or whatever so it’s fair. i don’t like doing things separately cuz it feels kinda childish to say okay my drink is 2.50 and yours is 3.50 so i’m going to get mine separately cuz i don’t want to get yours. that feels kinda weird to me

i’m honestly not that concerned, i don’t mind buying things. like i said the only time it really stood out is when you waited for me to get my things before you said you’d get your own, cuz at first glance it looked like you just didn’t wanna get my things lol so i was like ohhh i see how it is!!! but yeah i see it from your perspective too, you didn’t want me to buy charlotte’s things cuz they are from you and not from me. so i get it. lol

as for leaving you in the store, the self scan bit gets kinda busy and i felt like i was getting in the way so i went to stand outside. i’m not super clingy and i’m not gonna stand right beside you unless i need to. i could have said i was going to wait outside though, i’m sorry i didn’t

same with household stuff. I didn’t know what the dish situation was. you kept saying “I got it” and going ahead, and I wasn’t going to wrestle the sponge out of your hands. I would have done more, and I should have. we should have been better about communicating on that front. talked about taking turns at least. I’m used to being at home and also living alone; taking care of my things on my time. that’s something we definitely should have talked about on day one, but lesson learned. 

i don’t really mind much about this either. it would definitely have been nice if you did the dishes, particularly when i was showering in the morning. from my recollection you would wait in the kitchen while i showered and then i would finish up, come through and have to wash dishes and make breakfast for us. it would have been nice not to have had to have done that cuz it just meant that we had to wait for me to do the dishes. at the other end of the day as well, it would have been nice if you did the dishes while i made dinner but instead i had to do dishes and then make dinner. again i don’t mind but it just meant we spent more time waiting for me to do dishes lol. task parallelization!!!

so. here’s the thing. I had no idea what I was doing wrong. I knew it must’ve been something. but I don’t remember every word I say, or at what point you started getting quiet; what might’ve triggered that. from my perspective it could have been anything. something someone texted you, something from work, or literally anything I said or did. I joke around with other friends in a similar way and they take it in stride (goodness knows there’s enough about them and where they live to rip on; they do the same thing to me. maybe that’s where I picked it up). but I know you’re not them. I just don’t know what hits nerves with you. I’ve also been trying not to take things too personally; when you insisted it was fine I tried to tell myself that maybe it was something someone else might’ve said. for all I knew it could have been.

nothing really hits a nerve with me lol. i think i’m pretty laid back. i love to joke around but a lot of the time your tone told me you weren’t joking around. you seemed so irritated that we drive on the left side of the road lmao. you seemed offended about the corn whatever thing you were talking about that day. you made me feel like an idiot so many times. i shouldn’t be in a restaurant thinkin about corn!!!! i just wanted to chill out and relax

BUT! it’s not my job to tell you how to act. you are who you are and i am who i am. i don’t want to shape you into how i think you should be. just be yourself. if that involves talkin about corn then go for it. just know that i might fall silent for a bit because i don’t really care about corn lol

and, yeah, that is “me being me” in a way, I guess. but it’s not me deliberately doing those things because I want or need to. it’s not an inherent part of my personality, it’s learned behavior. I’d picked up some little things from charlotte over time after being friends with her for so long, but I didn’t even realize it until someone pointed it out. I didn’t like it, so I tried to be more aware of it and be better about it. if you’d told me something I did or said was bothering you, yeah, maybe I’d have felt a little bad, but more than anything because it was something that I’d done that bothered you. not because I want to be some way or another and now can’t because of you. it’s not a hindrance for me. how I act is just how I act, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. maybe it doesn’t bother my friends, but maybe they’re kind of rude too. I try to be self-aware, but it can be hard for me to see things through other people’s eyes. it annoys me sometimes when you make fun of my accent, but I also know you’re just kidding. I kept that in mind; told myself that was how you felt when I said the things you did actually bring up, and I did try to be better about them. you noticed how the road conversation changed entirely, because you told me the jokes bothered you. easy enough. nipped that one in the bud relatively early and it became a non-issue. I think. I tried, anyway.

the american accent is probably my favourite accent, don’t worry :) if i mimic you it’s just for fun. nothing personal

if there’s any particular way I want to be, it’s ‘not rude or unintentionally mean’. and it hurt me that you continued to let me do what I was doing. I want to know if I’m messing up. that way I can be more self-aware and treat people better.

mmmh, you’re a grown adult though and it’s not my position to tell you off about things. you’re not a child and i didn’t want to treat you like one

that way we both could’ve had a better time. after that summer in the lab I worked in, I made a point to tell my future employers to please tell me if I’m doing something wrong so that I’m aware of it and can do better. I didn’t ever want to have to deal with that perspective mismatch again. it’s entirely possible that I was actually being a lazy piece of shit that summer too and just didn’t realize it, but I had no way of knowing. nobody told me what I was doing wrong, and I didn’t think I was doing anything much different than my co-labbers, besides being tasked with much, much more than them. I didn’t know what to think of myself after that, but I did take it pretty hard. I couldn’t believe they’d let me go the whole summer just assuming I knew where I was fucking up. I had zero guidelines and zero experience and didn’t want to be constantly asking for help; I was trying to do the best I could by myself, but it wasn’t good enough and I didn’t know why they were being so passive-aggressive with me the whole time. I just figured they didn’t like me for whatever reason. then at the end of the summer they just let me have it, and that felt so goddamn awful.

i think sometimes the feeling is that things are so obvious that, from an outside perspective, there’s no way you can’t be aware of them. i don’t know though, i don’t know the things you think about 

so when you got quiet, and just left me in the store that one time, I didn’t know what to do. you insisted you were fine, and I wasn’t going to badger you about it even though I knew it wasn’t fine. of all the however many things I said or did, how could I know which one it was? how could I know how you saw it? I figured maybe if I just didn’t say anything, then I wouldn’t say anything that upset you.

let’s be clear though it’s not like i abandoned you in a store lol i only went to stand outside to wait for you. that’s all. i wasn’t upset or whatever

on that subject, I don’t know if you noticed, but whenever I got quiet? it was when you did. when I knew something was wrong but you didn’t want to tell me what it was. I figured it must have been something I did, but I had no idea, and it hurt that you didn’t want to tell me. when I asked if you were sick of me or complaining to other people about me… I felt like I was doing something wrong that you didn’t want to tell me about, but you’d complain to other people about it. that made me feel like you were just counting down til I left. like you were just putting up with me til you didn’t have to anymore. venting to other people so you didn’t have to take it out on me. that hurt too. if anything put a damper on my trip, it was that. 

now retrospectively I feel awful, because it just went on the whole time and I didn’t realize what I did. and apparently it was a whole hell of a lot, and probably even more than you’ve told me even to this point, which feels even worse. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be rude or hurtful. and the things I said.. I didn’t even realize they were coming across that way because things like that haven’t bothered any of my other friends, that I know of.

i wasn’t sick of you. i just don’t want to talk 24/7. sometimes i just want to drive and listen to music

the mug thing… I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was looking for a measuring cup for one cups’ worth of rice, and a mug isn’t a good measure bc there’s no markings. and it’s got at least 2 cups’ worth of volume, depending on the mug, but there’s no way to know by looking at it. from what you said, I thought you’d thought a mug was the same volume as a cup, but maybe it was different there and I just didn’t know. I wasn’t trying to make you feel dumb. maybe we just went over each other’s heads a little. but I didn’t realize it came across as hurtful, and then you snapped at me and sat on your phone without another word. I was confused as all hell when you were nice again to me after. it didn’t make me feel better; I had no idea what happened to begin with. I wasn’t sure how to feel or what to think.

okay from my perspective i was washing the dishes (ofc lmao) and you were like oh i don’t have a cup. i was trying to be helpful and told you that you could use a cup from the cupboard. i’ve done a lot of cooking/baking, especially in the last few years, and whenever a recipe has asked for a cup i’ve just used a literal cup and everything i’ve made has turned out great. so i thought i’d toss it out there to be helpful. your reaction made me feel like an idiot especially when you said “FIRST OF ALL, that’s a MUG!” and then you started pulling up wikipedia articles. that’s why i snapped and said “can we just make dinner?” - i know i said it in an irritated tone and i’m sorry for that. it was a long day of driving, i was hungry, and i didn’t want to be talking about the nuances of mugs/cups/whatever the hell. as always i wanted to relax and chill out

and yeah, ya know, I was only there for a little over a week. you did only have to put up with me for that long (and there’s no talking around it; you just letting it happen because I was leaving soon is textbook “putting up with it”). but we still talk over text. we’ll probably still skype. you still want to visit over here, as far as I know. you’d still have to deal with me being like that, and I’d still keep going not knowing I was doing anything wrong. it would just get worse and worse til it reached a breaking point. I don’t want that. I don’t think you do either. could be a politeness thing that I’m just not used to, but I don’t see it as rude at all if you ask me not to do something that bothers you. it’s not changing me. or maybe it is, but the thing is.. I want to change if it’s for the better. 

it’s not my role to tell you to stop doing things. who am i, God? if i don’t like something someone is doing then i interact with them less. i think that’s human nature. you already said that your friends don’t mind when you make fun of them or whatever. who am i to change that? not only that but i don’t want to expend mental energy by constantly telling you what offends me. that’s honestly not how i want to spend my time. i had a chunk of time off work and i wanted to relax, i didn’t want to spend it telling you to do dishes lmao. 

I want to know if something’s wrong, and I want to know ASAP so we’re not just sitting around not talking and not resolving something that’s clearly a problem. you want a girlfriend and eventually a wife one day, you’re gonna have this same issue with her. maybe you see this as a different situation, what with me being a friend and also you not actually having to be around me much. but then, like… if it is different, if you were to tell me “oh, no, I’d never be like that with a girlfriend”… I’d have to ask why I didn’t deserve to be treated like that too. friends or more than that, you’re gonna need to start communicating more.

i think people have different natures. my nature is to be helpful and generous where possible. if we’re at a restaurant and the check comes, i cannot insert that “i want to pay for this” thought into your head. you either have it or you don’t. when i’m out with people, i love doing things like that. i like to make people happy. it’s not about the money, it’s about the gesture. i want people to feel loved and special. no one has ever had to remind me to do my part or do my fair share. it’s just who i am, it’s really that simple. i’m not gonna come to you and say you should be paying for things. that’s petty and pathetic. if you don’t want to, then don’t.

i’m extremely picky with women. i don’t want to date someone and shape them into who i want them to be. i want to meet her and love her just as she is. she’s kind and generous. i know this is possible because it has happened before. it can happen again. i don’t have to shape women. there are plenty of women out there who are just what i’m looking for.

I know I need to work on that too. it’s really, really important. like. not saying anything about something that bothers you and then redirecting entirely or changing the subject it is extremely avoidant and it doesn’t fix anything. I understand it’s a defense mechanism but sometimes you gotta play offense a little bit too.

also, good god. you would’ve been complaining the whole time? how much was I really bugging you? the things I said, the housework, every little thing… and you didn’t tell me about any of it until just earlier, and then followed that up with “but I wasn’t going to tell you”, like. that doesn’t help. that makes me feel even worse. I literally don’t understand how letting someone stay unaware of something they’re doing wrong is at all helpful. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for making me feel bad, but like. I hate feeling like you’re just putting up with me. I can’t imagine why you would, then, if you’d just be annoyed with everything I did and said. I mean, I can think of one reason why you’d still put up with all of that, but that thought makes me want to throw up. you wanted me to be comfortable and enjoy my time there, but how could I really feel all that good when you wouldn’t talk to me or tell me what was wrong when something was obviously wrong? it kept ending up being something every day, and then me not knowing what it was or what to do about it, and it just felt bad. there wasn’t anything I could do because you straight-up refused to admit there was an issue. you just assumed I knew what I did and then intentionally continued to do those things. like, why would I want to, if I knew it bothered you? I really want to know what kind of person you see me as sometimes.

ugh. i really don’t like how much analysis is going into this.

you’ve complained to me a billion times about how you hate it when your mum tells you off for leaving dishes in the sink. i figured, you’re on holiday, i’m not gonna complain about you not doing dishes. i wanted you to have a good time while you were here.

our personalities clash. we’re totally different people. i felt, at points, you would suck me into debates or arguments. i detected this overwhelming need for you to be right all the time or, more importantly, for me to be wrong. if i don’t tell you something it’s because i don’t want to start drama. as always, i want to chill out. this was my holiday too.

I’m also a little concerned that, like… you told me that one night I didn’t do anything wrong when I asked, but I did. you told me you liked shows we watched when you didn’t. you kept telling me you were fine when you weren’t. maybe they seem like little white lies just to keep me comfortable, but I wasn’t comfortable. I had my doubts, and with some of them I was right. the show thing was more of a slap in the face; I thought you actually did like them. now I have to wonder if you meant it when you said you weren’t complaining about me, or just waiting for me to leave, or whatever else. how can I trust you mean what you say? that the answer you’re giving me isn’t just the one you think I want to hear? I don’t want to be kept comfortable. if something’s wrong, something’s wrong. the truth can hurt sometimes, but I’d rather have the truth. it hurts me more to feel like you don’t trust me with it. maybe I come across as rude by letting you know when I don’t like something, but I value honesty above comfort. that’s something that’s not changing.

it’s a very human thing to do this though. i want to bond and connect with other people. i’m not gonna tell them i don’t like their tv shows. it’s jarring when people tell the truth all the time. it does come across as rude when you let me know you don’t like something. it’s depressing. i want to be an upbeat, positive person. not blowing sunshine out my ass, but still. just a happy person. when i talk to you and it’s all complaints and stuff you don’t like, i don’t feel very happy.

on another note, I am sorry if it seemed like I was unappreciative. I’m not terribly expressive with much of anyone, but I also don’t really know how to be. I really did enjoy everything, and I’m grateful for you being so generous and kind. I would like to go back one of these days; do more that we didn’t get a chance to do. I was trying to think back on my other trips while I was driving, and I remembered that I did enjoy all of them, but only to an extent. being with family really took away from them, and I know I would’ve enjoyed them a lot more if I’d been on my own or with friends. this was definitely a favorite trip, if not the favorite. certainly one of the best mood-wise for me. 

i’m glad you had a good time :) i really enjoyed seeing lots of things and i’m so glad the weather was good lol.

I’m not sure why I don’t post much about it. I feel like there isn’t much to say, somehow. I wouldn’t really know how to put it, and anyway hardly anyone besides you would care to read about it. I shared pictures on instagram and facebook, and I would’ve probably put them on tumblr anyway, even if you didn’t ask. I wasn’t there to sit around on the internet; I only maybe reblogged one or two things the entire time. there’s some things I just like to keep close to my heart. I didn’t write extensively about my pittsburgh, iceland, or mexico trips either. doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy them.

oh yes i understand. i wanted you to put them on tumblr so i could reblog them. my tumblr is my own lil space on the internet. i like to have snippets on my life on here relatively anonymously.

I feel like there’s more to say, but I’ve been struggling real hard for the last 24 hours to get my brain to work so. that’s what I’ve got for now

thank you for your thoughts!!! i think we’ve beaten the topic to death now and i really didn’t want it to get this deep. i’m at work rn and i feel super heavy and tired after reading/writing all this. i don’t like it at all. we had a good week so let’s just leave it at that, please :)

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My London Semester Journal I: Tuesday, January 16, 1996

Tuesday, 1-16-96 8:06 PM London 2:06 PM E-Town

Didn’t get to writing in here yesterday… In the morning I had a very interesting International Business class. After class I went to the Birkbeck library & browsed & wandered… I realized through discussion w/ Nathan & Andrew (the somewhat clueless, somewhat cool Welsh guys Lori & I met Fri. at the club) this weekend that, outside of school, I read very little. The Oscar Wilde play “An Ideal Husband” inspired me to read one of his works, bu then I passed some Elizabeth Barrett Browning books of poetry & was drawn in… I ended up taking out 2 compilations of her letters & 1 of her books of poetry. I really enjoy reading the letters.

Then, in the afternoon, I caught up on some of my correspondence & then went grocery shopping at “Sainsbury’s.” Things have been kinda awkward between Lori & I since Sunday’s long day w/ Nathan & Andrew… We are relating better, but our friendship lost something. I personally don’t desire to spend as much time socially w/ her. But this may pass. I guess I really didn’t know her as I thought I did… I realize this now & take it as a lesson. I tend to attach myself to people — new friends quickly in situations such as this. I know this is common.

Last night for study break I went w/ Adam, Paul, & Erica to the “Churchill Arms” pub for a beer. I enjoy their company. Adam is a pretty funny guy & really likes attention. Paul is less outgoing, but is a real genuine guy, and is funny in his own way. Erica often seems older to me than 20. She is fun to hang out w/ & talk to.

Today I had my Modern British Society class which wasn’t extremely exciting… But I was able to finally log on to a computer and do e-mail! Telnet isn’t working, but knowing when I check tomorrow morning I could have mail is exciting! I wrote Mom & Dad, Meg, Gwen, Deborah, & Cheryl. But I misaddressed Deb’s, so I’ll have to write again tomorrow.

After class Jill & I went to daily mass at Newman House. It was nice & I really enjoyed Fr. Tim’s sermon on the readings. The 1st reading talked about how God looks at us differently than others do. “People look at our appearances. God looks at our hearts.”

He (Fr. Tim) encouraged us to do 2 things: 1) Recognize that God sees us for who we are & loves us unconditionally. 2) To try to see other people as God does, not to judge them till you know them…

There is a guy from U of I at Birkbeck named Dave Heron who I talked with today. He attends 4:30 PM mass at St. John’s often & we talked about churches here. I was pleasantly surprised to learn of his faith. 

A guy named Matthew, that I sat next to on the plane from Chicago, asked me to go on a day trip to Oxford w/ him this weekend. I would like to go, but I am not sure if I would like to go this weekend or with him. He is a nice guy, but I just ate dinner w/ Adam & Paul who say he can talk your ear off & might take away from the experience.

Molly, the GR, just stopped by to see how everything was going. We got to talking & I asked how she & Will, the other GR here at Pembridge, met. She said in 7th grade, but they didn’t date till after their Sr. yr. in college. Reminds me a bit of the Ray & Margie story… Not that I won’t find “that special someone” in due time… But, stories like that give me even more hope! I suppose I am no hurry though… & on that note the words to a great Blues Traveler song called “Just Wait.” ☺︎

JUST WAIT by Blues Traveler

If ever you are feeling like you’re tired And all your uphill struggles leave you headed down hill If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you And your appetite for pain has drinken it’s fill.

I ask of you a very simple question Did you think for one minute that you are alone And your suffering a privilege you share only Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

If you think I’ve given up on you you’re crazy And if you think I don’t love you well then you’re just wrong In time you just might take to feeling better Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud I say this without fear of hesitation I can honestly tell you that you make me proud.

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you If anything I might have just said helped you just carry on Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle And your appetite for pain might all but be gone.

I hope for you and cannot stop that hoping Until that smile has once again returned to your face There’s no such things as a failure who keeps trying Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

Just wait Just wait Just wait And it will come

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note from Present Day Kathy: It’s interesting what vivid memories our brains hold onto, for whatever reasons. I can still picture walking through the stacks of books in the library that day and zeroing in on Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s letters and poetry. I read now, as an adult, more than I have ever in my life, mostly via listening to books on Audible, while I get things done around the house (such as laundry). I recall back then feeling pressure to read things for school, which was always more of a struggle for me vs. getting to read for pleasure. It’s that difference between the things we have to do vs. what we choose to do that continues to challenge me, even at 43, and I know so many others.

I also appreciate my commentary on how our relationships, especially friendships, grow and evolve, even through difficult times. Spoiler alert: my roommate and I ended up working through the tension we felt then and continued to become closer throughout our time abroad together.

I mentioned the Churchill Arms pub again in this entry and after my last post I looked it up online, to see if it still exists. I was excited to find that out it does! I definitely want to get there if and when I return to London someday, our family is still aiming for late Summer 2020.

I find it funny to read my descriptions of my experiences with email, especially knowing in it was in its early days/years of use. I had to Google what “telnet” meant, as I didn’t recall. Apparently it’s “a network protocol that allows a user on one computer to log onto another computer that is part of the same network,” which certainly makes sense/sounds familiar.

I continue to get a kick out of how I was navigating looking for “that special someone,” which was definitely a theme for me throughout my college years. I didn’t go to U of I to get my Mrs. by any means, but I was hoping to find love and someone to spend my life/build a family with eventually.

I am pretty sure I transcribed the lyrics to Just Wait by Blues Traveler by listening to the song from a mix tape on my Walkman, as there were a lot of scratches out and re-writes, a few mistakes (I had “your eyes no longer seem a struggle” instead of “your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle” and “I hope for you and cannot stop that heartbreak” instead of “I hope for you and cannot stop that hoping”), and even some blank spaces where I must not have been able to tell what they were singing. Things have really changed, when it comes to stuff like that. Now we can just Google song lyrics anytime we are curious!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reminder: Unless I’ve been given permission to use people’s actual names, in most cases I’ve removed or replaced the names of the real people who were part of my journey/experience there, in effort to protect and respect their identities/privacy in my London Semester Journal entries. I will also not share details that I think and feel are too personal for anyone I interacted with, my loved ones, and me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s the back story of My London Semester Journals from 1996, including what prompted me to revisit and decide to share them here in 2018. And here’s a list a list of the entries, which I will update as I share them.

  Source: http://bereavedandblessed.com/2018/10/my-london-semester-journal-i-tuesday-january-16-1996/

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What We’re Still Not Teaching Kids About Consent

If I’m remembering correctly, sex ed in the ’80s consisted of the following lessons:

— First grade: Tell someone if a grownup (who isn’t a doctor) touches your private parts

— Fifth grade: You’re going to bleed from your private parts one day, catch these free diaper-sized maxi pads as we lob them at your head

— Tenth grade: You know what sex is, right? Don’t do that unless you like making babies. And if you’re going to have sex, wear a condom because of AIDS. Good luck!

If you’re wondering where the big lessons on consent were, so am I. If I’m being generous, I can conjure up a fuzzy memory of a tenth-grade coach/teacher in belted short shorts telling the boys in the room, “Guys, no means no. I mean it.” And that would have been the final word on the subject, because we all thought we were using the same language when it came to consent. Yes was yes, no was no, where’s the confusion?

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It's A Scary (Digital) World Out There, Get A VPN

The confusion, as we’ve mentioned before, is in how pop culture tells men that no really means “maybe, try again,” and tells women that if you didn’t say no hard enough, you probably didn’t mean it in the first place. Maybe work on your communication skills, body language, and drinking schedule for next time, girly. The confusion comes in real-world situations in which body parts are already slippery and engorged and you want this but not that, and you aren’t sure how to say you want this but not that. The confusion comes when no one teaches that “maybe,” “not yet,” “let’s just kiss” and *gentle push to create distance* should be treated as “no,” full stop.

Consent is sticky and confusing not just because sex itself can be sticky and confusing, but also because we haven’t given future sexual beings the language, tools, or authority to communicate what they want out of sex. And yes, when I say “future sexual beings,” I mean kids. This is a column about kids and sex.

I’m sorry.

No, I’m not.

Parents, it’s on us to do better by our kids. Because lessons about consent start on Day One.

4

Teach Your Kids That They Don’t Owe Anyone Hugs And Kisses

Day One of Parenthood: So you’ve got a floppy-headed baby who can’t see straight, can’t do anything but sleep, cry, poop, and latch (if you’re lucky), and is basically a hair scrunchie in human form. Day One isn’t the best day to start teaching consent, I guess. Whatever, let’s fast-forward.

Skip ahead to Day 730ish. Now you’ve got a toddler, and this toddler is so effing cute that you’re considering renaming them “Pixar.” We’re talking about chipmunk cheeks, 20 perfect square teeth that aren’t crowded or decayed in any way, a big fat Buddha belly accentuated by a onesie that this child has no shame in wearing, turkey drum limbs, and a Frankenstein gait that only makes them more squeezable. I just LOVE TODDLERS SO MUCH. Parents, I want to hug your squishy toddlers.

Also, I’m your problem.

Your job as a parent is to teach your child that that they own their adorable squishy bodies, and that grandmas, aunts, uncles, fun cute adult friends who seem to pose zero harm (like me!) aren’t deserving of their hugs just because they’re big and nice and want the hugs.

Let’s put it this way: When you’re a toddler, every other human is a Mountain. Not necessarily the Mountain who gave birth to the Mountain who gave birth to you, just a huge mass of someone who isn’t your mom or your dad. For some babies, that distinction is wiped away quickly, and hugs and kisses are as naturally forthcoming as the poop that defies gravity to land mid-back while their parents are trying to enjoy a night at Olive Garden. That’s why you, the parent, have to start giving your child options about hugs and kisses as soon as they’re big enough to understand “yes” and “no.”

Here’s a dramatic reenactment of a conversation that’s happening somewhere in the world at this very second:

Mom: Give Grandma a hug.

Child: *Frozen, suspicious and belligerent*

Grandma: Awww, can I have a hug? I flew across the country to see you! *Holds flabby arms out*

Mom: Give Grandma a hug or you can go to your room until you’re ready to be nice.

Grandma: No, it’s OK. *Mimes wiping away fake tears for dramatic effect*

Child: *Gives robot hug*

When I was a little kid, the consequences of disappointing an adult by not giving them physical affection could have ended with a guilt trip, an earlier bedtime, or worst-case scenario, a spanking. When my parents were kids, I’m guessing they were sent to the coal mines if they let down their older relatives in the hugging department.

The point is that we’ve trained children to think that when it comes to something innocent like hugs or tickling (when the whole point is how much the kid doesn’t want it), an adult’s feelings are more important than a child’s personal space. If you want your kid to say “no” with authority and confidence in the backseat of a driverless car ten years from now, they have to get practice saying no in general. More importantly, they have to know that hurting Grandma or Miss Kristi’s (that’s what kids call me sometimes) feelings is much less important than listening to their own gut.

By the way, I’m not advocating for adults to glue their arms to their sides and bow in deep respect every time they encounter a toddler. If I get to meet your toddler, I’m going to do what I always do: Sit on the floor and play with them and ask for a hug at the end of the visit. And if they say no or hesitate, I’ll back off and maybe ask for a high five instead. I’ll be fine. Your job as a parent is to give your kids lots of practice at turning people like me down so that they’re really good at saying no when the stakes are way higher.

Grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, cherished friends of children, the same message goes to you. Do not make a child feel guilty for not wanting to give you a hug, even if you gave them a really cool present.

3

Teach Your Kids That No One Can Hit Them (Not Even You)

Oh, we’re going there.

When my kids were little, we had a Biblical(ish) approach to parenting, and discipline included spankings. Back then, my husband and I agreed that spankings (or pops on the bottom, as we called them) were a good tool for teaching a lesson when a child did something that could get them hurt. Running out into the street, for example, would get a pop on the bottom. (And we were usually talking about a weak slap on a diapered booty.) The logic was that the fear of getting a spanking combined with the pain of the spanking would create a memory that would make them never ever want to run into the street again.

Unfortunately, once you’ve allowed yourself to hit someone as a form of discipline or instruction, you don’t always follow your own rules, because you’re also human. Did we also give reactionary “spankings” in anger? Yes, once or twice because we’d opened the door to spankings and didn’t manage ourselves as well as we should have. Did we give “spankings” on non-diapered bottoms to kids who weren’t running out into the street but were mouthing off? Sadly, yes.

I regret allowing spanking in my home because A) spankings allowed my kids to see the very worst version of me, and B) research is revealing that spanking is tied to aggressive behavior, lower self-esteem, and increased mental health problems. I know the Bible says that kids who don’t get spanked grow up to be spoiled, but if your best tool for raising nice children is to hit them when they’re bad, you maybe shouldn’t be raising kids? And maybe stay away from dogs too while we’re at it.

Actually, let’s drop the word “spank” altogether for a minute, because it’s a euphemism for hitting, and we should be honest with ourselves when we hit another person, especially a child. As a child, you’re told that hitting other kids is bad and that kids who hit are bullies. But if you’ve been bad, your parents, grandparents, and sometimes your principal can hit you, and that’s OK because they’re big and old and in charge. The most basic, fundamental standard of human decency we’ve come up with throughout human history — do unto others as you’d have done to you — doesn’t apply to children.

So how do childhood spankings tie into consent in sexual situations? A kid who received spankings goes into adolescence and adulthood with the memory of being physically punished for being disobedient. They know what it’s like to get hurt for disappointing someone they love and trust. They know that it’s possible for people they care about to hurt them if they do something wrong. Ultimately, they were raised to believe that no one should hurt them unless it’s someone they love.

How does that lesson not make its way into the bedroom?

If we want our kids to walk into their first sexual experiences with the confidence to say no if they want to say no, we should start by practicing what we preach in the decades before the moment happens. “No one is allowed to hit you, not even me. You are in charge of your body, all the time, even when you’ve done something wrong. There is nothing you can do that will make me hurt your body, because that’s now how we treat each other.”

If you take spankings off the table, your child never gets taught that authority figures are allowed to hurt them if the conditions are right. Or that big people are authorized to apply their own internal logic of when it’s OK to hit and when it’s not OK to hurt their bodies.

Speaking of authority figures …

2

Teach Your Kids That Authority Figures And Heroes Can Be Bad

As of this writing, Larry Nassar, the doctor who used his position to sexually assault at least 120 young gymnasts, has been sentenced to 40-75 years in prison for his crimes. He won’t have the opportunity to serve those years until he finishes his 60-year sentence for the child porn charges that came before. I know. I hate him too.

It’s important to note here that this Nassar monster doesn’t fit neatly in an article about consent, but I’m dragging his sorry name in here anyway because we’re talking about parenting, and every parent should know what this man did. Consent is something that happens between two adults who are trying to hash out how far they want to go together. Consent is not a thing when a child is involved, ever. I bring Nassar up because during his trial, his victims weren’t only pointing their fingers at him; they shed light on the dozens of moments when the system that was supposed to protect them protected him instead. We’re talking about a man who sexually abused little girls while their parents were in the room.

And these weren’t regular parents like you and me. These were the kind of parents who would change jobs, move across the country, and invest thousands of dollars into making their children’s athletic dreams come true. They reworked their entire lives around their kids. They were like, super parents. But they couldn’t tell when a doctor was molesting their babies. Why? Because the very first rule they learned in their sexual education, and the first rule they taught their own kids, was that doctors are allowed to touch private parts.

I bring up Nassar because I can imagine the thought processes of both the victims and the parents in the room when he was committing his crimes. At the heart of their misgivings about his actions was self-doubt, feeling that they were wrong for feeling uncomfortable. This man is a doctor. Self-doubt is also at the heart of every adult encounter in which one person isn’t sure of how far they want to go but they don’t know how to express themselves. For example, when a woman is on a date with a guy she’s liked for a long time and second-guesses herself when he wants to move too fast because he’s well-liked and kind.

Self-doubt doesn’t emerge fully formed in someone’s head out of nowhere. It comes from the stories you tell yourself about yourself, and how much you trust your own feelings. Nassar lasted as a predator for multiple decades because most of us are freaking little kids when it comes to submitting to authority, and Nassar was a doctor, so he was an authority. He lasted because we will do mental gymnastics to avoid confrontation with people who hurt us, and we’d rather suffer than trust our own instincts.

So give your kids some room to doubt authority figures every now and then. Let them explore the concept that grownups can be bad, because yeah, some of them are monsters. Let your kids practice saying “no,” like, all the time. You think I’m kidding, but it’s shockingly hard to say “no” as an adult, especially to someone you like.

1

Teach Your Kids To Read And Respect The People Around Them

I can’t speak for every other woman out there, but the Aziz Ansari date night story hit me harder than the James Franco stories or accounts of Louis C.K. masturbating in front of female comedians, even though their actions were objectively more disgusting in every way. The Ansari account was painful because his date tied herself into knots as she tried to come up with ways to say “no” without hurting his feelings, but every clue she dropped was met with “yes, but,” as if their whole date was an improv game. A woman left his apartment in tears, and he thought they had a great night 24 hours later.

Unfortunately, the story was the best illustration of a consent problem that I’ve ever seen. One person struggled to say no, and the other person didn’t read, see, or hear her struggle at all, or read it and didn’t care. While every other entry on the list is a way to help your kid not become a victim, this one is to help your kid not become a person who tries to have sex with someone who’s not into it. That’s a matter of empathy, and it can be taught.

This starts with modeling empathy over and over and over again. Read your kids’ faces and bodies, and show them that they can read their friends’ faces as bodies as well. Literally say “Your face looks sad. Are you OK?” Or “Why did your friend go hide under the slide and start crying when you were playing? What happened?” Or “I can tell you’re mad at me because I ate all of the Goldfish while you were at school. We can talk about it when you’re ready.”

If the idea of acknowledging a child’s facial expressions and body language out loud over and over again is exhausting, that’s because it is. And that’s not including the times you’re calling them out for the wrong reasons. “Wipe that face off your face” is a favorite expression in my house, because everybody hates grumpy faces. But I can’t think of another way to teach kids how to check in with the emotional states of the people around them than to just … do that. Like, all the time.

Despite what pop culture has taught us, we want boys (and girls) who want to read faces and body language and want to land on the same place as their partners. We want future adults to pride themselves on how attuned they are to the person in front of them, especially when we’re talking about sex. We want guys (and girls) who ask “Is this OK?” before they get handsy because that’s how much they respect the person they’re with, even if they just met.

Parents, don’t wait for pop culture to catch up on teaching consent. It’s not going to happen any time soon. By the time the next generation of screenwriters figures out how to write sexy scenes that handle consent really well, your kids are already going to be grown.

Feel free to check in on Kristi’s emotional state whenever you want over on Twitter.

If you have children yourself and need some help with this, authors are writing children’s books geared towards teaching them these very things. Check them out!

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/what-were-still-not-teaching-kids-about-consent/

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