#writing has been..... idk i don't like saying hard bc i hate admitting to struggling w things lol but i've felt uninspired for a long time

[theghostofashton]

.

[amethystina]

Oh man!! The latest chapter!!! The angst was angsting, pain was paining, heart is wrenching, tear is falling, it was soooo mean, but do it again!!!

It was the longest chapter and ironically the most painful chapter as well. Have I said how much I love slow burn and angst and this fic hits home everytime?? Likeee woah I just LOVE how this fic is LOOONG , nowhere near close bc that means I get me read it longer lol.

And I feel like I would never be able to appreciate how much hard work you put in Who Holds the Devil.

I am guessing it is now Ga On's turn to pursue Yohan and Oh man I can already imagine how much he is gonna suffer while doing it 😭 or maybe not (bc he tends to be pretty straightforward at times and impulsive as well) but I believe it's gonna be pretty hard bc Gaon has so much shit to get together and Yohan, my man, already gave up (poor him) so gaon trying to persue him or rather seduce his sugar daddy would look very suspicious to him. Nevertheless I am exited to see Gaon try and miserably, comically and hilariously half fail bc he will succeed eventually as Yohan is too much of a loser for Gaon lol. I am excited for future chapters and definitely wouldn't complain about more angst lol.

It was necessary for this to happen, otherwise the story would go nowhere and most importantly Gaon and Yohan would go nowhere, their problems will never be solved. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is crucial to develop in life BUT I would hate it if it happens to me, hope I will be able to get my shits together before that happens ( or maybe it already happened but I am not relizing it or not acknowledging it much like gaon but he is better than me ngl at least he has the courage)

This became a rant about me naur 😭

Lastly I hope you have a great day and things work out for you 💕

Also idk if it's your cup of tea but My Happy Ending kdrama is sooo good and worth giving it a try. It's a psychological suspense drama hehe. I am soo invested in it nowadays so couldn't help recommending you as well 💫

It was a painful chapter, yeah. And I'm both relieved and heartbroken to finally have it out there. As someone who doesn't actually like angst, this chapter was a struggle in more than one way. But it's necessary if I want their relationship to move forward, so here we are.

At this point, writing Who Holds the Devil has sort of turned into a second job, not going to lie. I still enjoy it, make no mistake, but I have to plan all of my other hobbies around it since I feel an obligation to post somewhat regularly. Like, I've been postponing drawing for the past two weeks because I wanted to get this chapter out (that's how long it took to edit, yes) but drawing is the thing that helps the most with my depression symptoms (that have made an unwanted reappearance due to my burnout), so I've been struggling quite a bit. And now all I want to do is draw for a couple of days.

So yeah. I can't lie and say it's not a lot of work, both in terms of planning, writing, editing, etc., but also how it affects the rest of my life. BUT I just love it too much to give up on it ;)

And yes, Ga On will have to be the one to pursue Yo Han now ;) Or, well, eventually. He has to wallow and overthink things a bit first because, well, Ga On. If overthinking things was an Olympic sport, he'd win the gold for sure. But he WILL give Yo Han what he wants in the end, I promise.

In short, the "the only way after hitting rock bottom is up" saying is pretty apt in this case.

There's still hope, so just hang in there :)

I looked at the plot for My Happy Ending but I admit it didn't really catch my attention. But that could be because I don't really watch much right now? I'm too busy writing and drawing. I'm also trying to finish a drama I started ages ago called Mad Dog. Which, let me tell you, it's disorientingly gay for a drama about insurance fraud. But unlike The Devil Judge I'm not sure if they're actually AWARE of how gay it is? (especially since it's from 2017)

But, like, if I had a penny for every time I've watched a drama in which a traumatised, older man brings home a reckless, bratty twink after said twink got injured — under the pretence of protecting him from more harm — only for the twink to start snooping around his house before deciding to charm the dude with home-cooked food and then just doesn't leave I would have two pennies. Which isn't a lot, but it's still weird that it's happened twice.

Also, what the heck do they want me to think when they have these kinds of angles when the two dudes are arguing?

That looks questionable both in and out of context. BUT that could also be because Woo Do Hwan could have sexual tension with a goddamn rock. Rarely have I seen a man with so much "fuck me and find out" energy as his character in this drama.

But the twink also has a romantic plotline with the woman on the team, at the same time as he's living in the older dude's apartment and giving this poor dude all kinds of conflicted feelings because he's a widower who's lived alone since his wife and kid died and suddenly there's someone in his apartment cooking him food, nagging at him when he comes late and drunk etc. etc. Like, bruh. It really sounds like the twink is his new wife? And I am SO CONFUSED because the drama plays it so straight (without the "hint, hint, nudge, nudge" winks that The Devil Judge had) that I'm about to have an existential crisis.

Fellas, is it gay if this is the face you make when you're told you're not actually living with the man who took you home to keep you safe after you almost got murdered but then you accidentally behaved like his concerned and doting wife?

Asking for a friend.

(and don't even get me started on the whole "Bring Your Twink to Work Day" scene)

At this point, I'm half convinced I'm gaslighting myself into thinking this is gay when it's actually just a really heartwarming story about a really deep bromance that I'm too queer to understand.

ANYWAY. Thanks for the rec! But I'm not sure if it's my thing and I'm really bad at watching things right now. But I'm thrilled to hear that you're having so much fun with it! I'm happy for you! :D

And thank you so much for the lovely message 💜

[eyesontheskyline]

me ripping out obviously hotchniss moments from jemily stans’s cold dead hands: MINE

I saw a post where someone said Emily was staring at JJ at Haley’s funeral??😭 Hello she was looking at her mans 🤨

This was inspired by the season 7 jet scene bc I just saw someone saw it’s a jemily moment😀 hello she and hotch were literally about to kiss

Ha oh god.

I honestly hate that jet scene as a Hotchniss moment AND as a Jemily moment. I can see it for both, because if you take what she's saying at face value, he's asking 'how did you get by?' and her answer is having contact with JJ. And of course there's those super warm smiles Hotch and Emily share.

But it doesn't make any sense for them to keep in touch that way - it's reckless and stupid, and I have a hard time believing either of them would've compromised something so high stakes. It makes me like them less as people and as a ship to think they did that, so I just. . . don't. And I also think there needs to be an actual answer to how she got by in Paris, or (preferably) some kind of admission that she kind of didn't - it was hard, and lonely, and she missed her friends, and everything wasn't okay then and isn't okay now. I think it was a bit of lazy writing, to make us feel like being smuggled away to Paris while still physically recovering from near-fatal injuries to hide all alone for months from the terrorist who nearly killed her was not a trauma, so it's fine that the show doesn't deal with it. So I kind of ignore the actual content of the scene - it doesn't make sense to me, and I think it's tonally weird considering the subject matter.

I think everyone is looking at Hotch during Haley's funeral, because how could you not be? It's devastating, and he's devastated, and they all care about him so much. I struggle with the 'truther' vibes of some of the Jemily section of the fandom a little bit, but I did used to write some Jemily back in the day, and I can kind of see it early on. But to me it's kind of the same vibe* as when people try to prove that Hotch and Emily were literally secretly in a relationship during S4-5 and here are the breadcrumbs the show dropped to prove it. . . Like, it's fine to write around what's in the show, to see the little moments and build on them, but the show is not trying to drop breadcrumbs for us to pick up on to plant the idea that they're in a relationship off screen - if they wanted the relationship to be canon, they would write it.

I think shipping is at its best when everyone just admits what we're doing is making our dolls kiss the way we want - it doesn't need to be more canon or more right than anyone else's ship, it just needs to be the one we personally enjoy. You can ship the same character in more than one ship, you can ship two characters who never even met. . . literally whatever you find enjoyable. And what's even better about it than smushing dolls together is there are infinite dolls - my Emily can be kissing Hotch and someone else's can be kissing JJ and someone else's can be starting a new life under the sea and it's literally fine.

I think what I kind of struggle with is when people watch the show looking for only their ship. Like, it's valid to watch the show however you watch it, but those are the posts I personally find grating. So like, Emily and JJ giving each other the eyes at Haley's funeral - I think that undermines the love and respect and friendship they all feel for Hotch. I've been at a bunch of funerals, and I wasn't like. . . checking out my love interest. I was thinking about the dead person and the people who loved them the most. And the moment when Emily saves Will at the bank - making that about Jemily takes so much away from both Emily and Will as characters, for me. Idk. I just like the complexity of the characters, and for me personally that's what makes shipping fun, so any time I have to ignore the complexity of the characters to do the shipping, I'm out.

(* except with an unfortunate side of 'this is morally superior because Emily was going to be a lesbian before they decided she wasn't')

[treesandwords]

WIP questionnaire

Thanks to @writingmoth for tagging me!

1. What was the first part of your wip that you created? The maps! The first thing I had an idea for in terms of the world was a map with some names (which was still the basis for my current maps but has changed. hm. A Lot since then.)

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be? Hate to admit I *have* thought of this. It would probably be "The Curse" by Agnes Obel.

3. Who are your favourite characters you've made? Why? Well I love my BOY Jerod. He doesn't seem like he's a Disaster but then he steadily becomes more and more of a disaster as the book goes on. He's also like...I'm discovering he's deceptively innocent. He doesn't seem like he'd be a Weirdo but . He's a weirdo. Also Gevin and Bronwyn, my favourite toxic twins. So angry. I'm also a big fan of Jamos though?? Like understand he is terrible. But I made him so I love him.

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fan base for your story? This is actually a really tricky one. I'm inclined to say fans of older fantasy books would be into it because it has more of that vibe, but idk specifically

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your wip? Keeping track of all the many details. I think honestly a lot of what *could* make it really good is the amount of detail in it, but there's also So Much and I get lost and confused. Help I'm stuck in Words.

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them! Ghhhhh this feels like a callout because the main character has a dog that I consistently forget about!!!! Where is she!! A couple other dogs show up as well, and Laedir has his horse that he's best buds with (we stan a weird horse girlie always). Also there's a creepy deer at one point that *might* be an old god and also a terrifying bone dragon that shows up for one scene to traumatize the protagonist, absolutely wreck an upland meadow habitat, and then turn to dust.

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.) Horses, by foot, horse + cart, boat if they're by the coast.

8. What part of your wip are you working on rn? In the first editing phase, which for now means me going through it with a fine toothed comb and making notes on anything that doesn't make sense, deleting stuff I Just Don't Like, and correcting small errors. Then I'm gonna go back and fix all of it again.

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) of your wip do you think will draw people in? Hmmmmm spooky forests and Weird Deer. Curses as a metaphor for family based/generational trauma, responsibility, environmental destruction etc. Asexual main character (though I gotta stress it's not a book *about* The Ace Experience, he's aspec bc the author is aspec and doesn't know how to write anything else. but it does play strongly into who he is and how he views his place in the world. so.)

10. What are your hopes for your wip? I mean I want to tentatively say I'd love to one day publish it...I know that's a long hard road but I'm letting my toes sit right on the edge of it.

Thanks again for the tag! I'm tagging @kaatiba @somethingclevermahogony @on-noon

[sunsetsover]

"I swear half this fandom don't actually like Ben" lmao true! Thing is though he's not likeable all the time and he can be a right old dick. But personally even if I don't like him or his actions at certain times, I feel like the broader picture is still there and I root for him because I get why he's like he is? And I can see and appreciate the softer sides of him even if they're fairly well hidden at times.

I also think some people in the fandom intellectually understand that he's traumatised and a survivor of various abuses, and when that shows in certain ways e.g. like if Callum or Lola is comforting while he's crying. But when it comes to situations like this week with Jags and Whitney, I personally think some people have struggled to understand how his trauma connects to it because it's not as obvious as e.g. Whitney's fiance dies, Gray manipulates her, bish bash bosh hit and run. Even more broadly I think it's easy for the audience to underestimate how Ben's experiences have shaped him because there's a distance created by time, his criminal actions, his (un)likeability factor, not viewing Phil as an abusive parent etc.

I don't wanna say everyone criticising him is like that btw! I'm sure there's a few reasons but I think this plays a part tbh.

i get what you're saying but to me it's like.... why would you even waste so much time invested into someone you don't like most of the time. i genuinely don't get it. ppl tend to ship ballum but hate ben AND hate the majority of the sls lately and it's like.... it's 2021 bro it's not like gay couples are THAT rare anymore there is so much media out there if you're not enjoying what ee are doing then you literally do not have to watch. in fact im BEGGING you for your sake not to. literally just do not engage with media that you aren't enjoying. do not sit in your own negativity writing 20 posts a day abt 'why are they doing this? why don't they do that? if they did this i would enjoy it more' bc you're only making yourself miserable. like this goes for any type of media but literally just stop engaging w it if you're not enjoying it anymore. the think pieces don't help anyone. your opinions aren't universal and they aren't gospel. we all need to stop confusing our opinions w facts. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean other ppl aren't and vice versa. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean that the thing needs to change. eg i hate the fact that callum is a copper and pray every day that something will force him out of it BUT it doesn't really affect my overall enjoyment of him as a character and it doesn't mean that the show has to make him quit just bc i don't like it. you (the royal you not u specifically anon lmao) might hate the fact that ben still does illegal stuff but that doesn't mean the show has to make him stop just bc you don't like it. if it affects how much you enjoy him as a character/ben and callum as a couple then maybe consider stopping watching. festering in the energy of 'i hate this, i hate what they're doing and here's 1200 words why' is unhealthy! i learned this the hard way !

i know this seems like an irrelevant ramble but i think i've realized that this is what my issue is. ppl not understanding trauma is frustrating and damaging and still pisses me off, but i feel like what actually pisses me off more are the ppl who just don't even attempt to be understanding bc underneath it all they're angry/frustrated at the show/sls and that's how it manifests itself. ppl don't like the direction ben and/or callum are going in and so the minute they (and it's usually ben lbr) step out of line they JUMP on that as an excuse to vent their frustrations and often end up saying shit that is ignorant or damaging or mean or just straight up cruel abt things that are so often symptoms of mental illness or trauma. so they're out here posting so many things and making these cruel little comments bc they can't just acknowledge that they don't actually like ballum anymore meanwhile ppl who are actually disabled/mentally ill/traumatised are sitting there reading all of these things and seeing all the people agreeing w them and it's doing real life damage to people.

is it on purpose? probably not. but that doesn't make the damage any less real. i have never forgotten or forgiven the way ppl reacted after ben went deaf. it was vile. as a disabled person who reacted very badly to being disabled just like ben did, it genuinely fucked me in the head seeing what ppl said abt him during that time. now i understand that it was partially ignorance but also a big chunk of it was ppl being unhappy bc they thought they wouldn't be able to enjoy their ship anymore bc ben was disabled (not that he hadn't been disabled before, but now it wasn't ignorable anymore).

idk there's more i could say but i feel like it's pointless. ppl don't care lmao all they care abt is their ship. which, ok fine whatever, but stop letting ur mentally ill/traumatised/disabled followers get caught in the crossfire bc you can't just admit you're not enjoying it anymore and feel the need to tear the thing down and rant about how it's 'bad writing' or 'out of character' etc etc. it's frustrating to read (which is why im never on here anymore) and speaking from experience it hurts YOU in the long run. negativity breeds more negativity.

you don't need to make excuses! just let it go! find something that does make you happy! you deserve that! and we deserve to be able to enjoy something without seeing ppl tearing it (or worse - us) down every 5 minutes !!

(edit - to clarify anon none of this was aimed at you i just sort of started ranting and didn't even really answer ur question im sorry !! i get what ur saying tho lmao 💞💞💞)

[all-things-skam]

I don't know if you've seen the theories in which Ander could be sick It’s a little bit angsty hahaha (This is after what Guzman told him) Where Ander is in class and suddenly he starts feeling very sick and a lot of blood comes out of his nose, while the teacher calls an ambulance, Guzman calls Omar and warns him of the incident Omar immediately runs to him and idk HAHAHHA Sorry English is not my first language I LOVE HOW U WRITE

hi since ander and guzman didn’t really ended the season on good terms…(that moment was so fucking devastating omg) can you write something where ander is very sad and guilty but guzman doesn’t forgive him. but then something bad happens to ander and he gives in bc he still cares about him? or maybe ander is dealing badly with losing his best friend (drinking excessively,drugs etc) and omar is worried and he talks to Guzman about it and after seeing ander like that he forgives him?

aloo! Id like for u to write a fic about Omar bing worried for ander health! Thank youx

-

Title: It’s just a nosebleed

Ship: Ander Munoz + Omar Shanaa (Omander)

_______________

Next time you faint I hope you smash your head and bleed to death.

The words resonated in Ander's mind, Guzman's voice colder every single times. They haunted Ander's mind days and nights, the only way to shut them up being to drink until oblivion. Cert, alcohol wasn't the way to numb pain, but Ander didn't care. He just couldn't bare to hear them over and over again.

Although he deserved it, losing his best friend has caused so much more pain in Ander's heart than he was willing to admit. Guzman was so much more than a best friend; he was a brother to him. But, brothers don't stab each other's back. Brothers don't hide huge secrets like that. Especially when it concerns one's sister assassin's identity.

He couldn't imagine the pain he had caused Guzman by not telling him the truth. How he must feel knowing that, for months, he had partied, shared a bed and gone to class with his sister's assassin like nothing had happened.

Ander hated Polo for telling him that ugly secret. He had commit utter betrayal by killing Marina. And, forcing Ander to secrecy, forcing him to take his secret to the grave, was the most cruel thing he could possibly do. Ander didn't want to know, he didn't want to be forced to know about Polo's crime. Yet, Polo's selfish self decided he had enough of carrying this secret alone - along with Carla and Christian - and told Ander.

Ander also hated himself for not having the balls to tell his best friend that their other best friend had killed Marina. He had chosen to play safe, trying to not lose any of them, but learned the hard way that playing safe isn't always the best choice. Now, because he had kept that same ugly secret to himself, Guzman had crossed him out of his life and there was no hope for forgiveness.

''I think you should slow down on the alcohol, don't you think?'' Omar suggested as he brought his intoxicated boyfriend home after his shift at the club, praying that Mrs. de Munoz was sound asleep.

She didn't know about her son's drinking problem. It would break her to see that Ander had turned to alcohol to cope.

Ander wasn't heavy, but Omar wasn't Mr. Muscle. It didn't help that he was half conscious, making him, by consequent, heavier. He was hanging on Omar's neck as the latter struggled to make it up the stairs. If only he could help himself a bit...

Omar sighed as he deposed Ander on his bed and removed his shoes. He was tired of this. He was Ander's boyfriend, not his babysitter.

As much as he wanted to talk to Ander about his drinking habits, he knew the younger one would deny any alcohol problems. But, at the same time, Omar couldn't continue keeping things bottled for both his and Ander's sake.

He'd be lying if he said seeing his boyfriend drowning himself into alcohol didn't hurt him. It broke his heart knowing that Ander was hurting so much that he had to numb his pain with alcohol.

A bittersweet smile on his lips, Omar sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Ander was sleeping soundly.

.

Ander sat behind his desk in class, filling his exam sheet when he felt something wet dripping on his face. Instinctively, he wiped it with the back of his hand and realized it was blood. He sniffled, thinking it would go away and stop, but, seconds later, blood started dripping on his exam sheet, creating a couple red splatters. Shit.

He alerted Mrs. Cortez of the bloody - pun intended - issue and she gave him permission to go to the bathroom to get tissues and clean himself.

Left hand covering his bleeding nose, Ander rose from his seat, the chair screeching on the tiled floor as he pushed it back. Maybe he stood up too fast or maybe it was because of the previous nosebleeds he got that week and the loss of blood was catching on him, but he suddenly started feeling light headed and drowsy. By reflex, he gripped the edge of the desk, fingers trying to grab at something to gain steadiness.

In the row behind his, Guzman lifted his head, furrowing his eyebrows at his old best friend's behavior. ''Ander?'' said Guzman's voice worriedly, ignoring the silence during exams rule. ''You okay?''

At the moment, Guzman didn't care that he and Ander weren't on speaking terms. He still cared about him deep down and, although he meant his words back then, seeing Ander on the verge of fainting had terrified him. When he had fainted at the Christmas party back in December, it was because of alcohol. Now, given that they were at school during exam week, it couldn't be that which worried Guzman.  

Ander didn't have time to answer Guzman's concerns that the latter was reaching out for him, grabbing Ander before he could fall and hit his head.

.

As Mrs. de Munoz got in the ambulance with her son, Guzman did what felt right and called Omar, informing him of the incident. If something like that had happened to Nadia, he would've liked to know.

.

When Omar made it to the hospital, he saw Ander's mom in the hallway. She seemed surprised, but not shocked to see him. On the contrary, she would have been even more surprised if he hadn't showed up.

Omar had been living with them for six months now and Azucena had grown very fond of him. Unlike Ander, Omar was a better help to the house. He knew how to clean, do laundry and cook - with guidance. He also deeply cared about Ander and she could sense it. His presence at the hospital was a proof.

As soon as Omar saw her, he gave a her a tight hug, knowing that they both needed it right now. ''What happened? Is he okay?'' Omar demanded, a little in shock. He pulled back, trying to search in her eyes for reassurance.

''He gave us quite a scare.'' Azucena took a breath, trying to control her emotions. ''He got a nosebleed and fainted in class. The doctor said it's iron deficiency anemia. We'll know more when he gets back with the results.''

When he got the call from Guzman saying Ander had left in an ambulance, Omar hadn't been surprised. He knew that if Ander continued not taking care of himself, something would happen. And, it did.

''Is he okay?''

She nodded and smiled at him thinly. ''You can go see him.''

.

Hand on the handle, about to open the door, Omar paused. He didn't know what to expect. Hospitals were never good news. They always gave him an uneasy feelings in his stomach. The last time he came to the hospital, his father had a heart attack and, when he glanced at him in the bed, he didn't look well. He was attached to wires and tubes and Omar felt sick. Although Ander's situation was less dramatic, Omar couldn't help but imagine the worse.

Exhaling a breath, Omar pushed the door and walked in. The room was dimly lit, the curtains pulled to make it easier for Ander to rest.

Having heard the door open, the younger one turned his head and pulled his eyebrows. ''Omar?''

His face was pale and he looked exhausted. There was an IV attached to his arm, giving him nutrients he was lacking from his alcohol diet. A part of Omar wanted to scream at Ander 'I told you so', but another part just wanted to pull him in his arms and thank the sky that he was alive.

Ander wasn't expecting to see Omar here. He thought he could get off easy and somehow hide this trip to the hospital from him, pass it off as some stomach bug. But, now that he was here, there was no point in lying. Omar had enough shit going on, the last thing he wanted was to get his mind preoccupied with this.

''Who told you I was here?'' he asked. ''I thought you were working today.''

Omar approached his bedside, huffling a small laugh. ''You're gonna have difficulty believing me, it's Guzman.''

Ander frowned, having difficulty to believe him. ''What? Guzman? I...'' He shook his head, denying the information he wasn't capable to process. ''Why would Guzman do that? He doesn't even care about me anymore...'' The last words caused Ander's voice to frail a little.

There was no way that Guzman would've cared. He made that clear when he spoke those cruel words to him the day they arrested Polo. As cruel as they were, Ander knew that he deserved them. He didn't deserve his friendship, he didn't even deserve Omar. He was such a shitty person, a shitty son, a shitty friend, a shitty boyfriend-

The heart monitor was starting to act up, the line making rapid jumps as Ander was getting worked up. Seeing this, Omar sat on the edge of the bed and cupped Ander's face with the other, fingers grazing his curls. ''Ander? Ander, look at me.''

If he didn't calm him quickly, a nurse would come in.

The younger one's eyes finally looked up, gazing into Omar's. ''Ander, baby...'' Omar held his gaze, trying to prevent his mind from going back to what he was thinking, what got him worked up.

Once Omar felt like Ander had calmed down, he sat on the small chair beside the bed.

''Do you know when you're getting out?'' he asked, changing subject.

''Hopefully soon. It'll depends of the test results.''

Omar nodded. ''I talked with your mom. She said there's a high possibility you have iron-deficiency anemia. I knew those nosebleed were serious. Especially when happening so frequently...'' He pushed his face in his hands, blaming himself.

Ander reached out, putting his hand over his boyfriend's forearm. ''You couldn't have known, Omar-''

''I should've worried more! Fuck. I could've prevented this if I hadn't left you drink so much alcohol.''

''Anemia has nothing to do with the drinking. I have a high carence in iron.''

''Still. Alcohol mustn't be good for you. Especially at the pace and frequency you're drinking.''

Ander looked down, admitting defeat.

Omar had kept his mouth shut for so long, but he had enough. What happened today scared him and he felt partly responsible for the incident. Maybe if he had spoke up instead of carrying Ander to his room every nights, he wouldn't have fainted in class.

''I get that you're hurt and sad because you lost your best friend, but life doesn't end because a friendship is broken. You've got to take care of yourself, Ander. I get that you lost an important person, but I'm here, and your mom is too. Don't you think it's hurting us to see you destroy your health? I haven't told your mom about your drinking habits, and I'm not going to, but I think you should reflect on it. I don't think she'd like to find out that her son is turning into an alcoholic.''

Ander's features hardened, jaw clenching at the harsh word. ''I'm not an-''

''You are! Alcoholics drinks every day and, since Christmas, there's not a day I haven't seen you without a drink in hand.'' Omar sighed, gaining control of his emotions. He didn't want to scream at Ander, he just wanted to get his point across. ''I'm not telling you this to hurt you. I'm telling you this because I care about you. Because I love you and I wouldn't forgive myself if something were to happen to you because I didn't intervene when it was still time.''

Omar's words put Ander into deep thinking. He didn't realize what was happening - not to this extent. He knew he was drinking more than he should've, but not this much. Maybe Omar was right. Maybe he was an alcoholic. The possibility brought tears to his eyes. Fuck. He can't fall into that rabbit hole. His parents had just finished signing the divorce papers, he couldn't do that to his mom. She had been through enough.

''I...I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. I just kept drinking and didn't think of the side effects of alcohol binge. I just liked not thinking about anything, forgetting the shit happening in my life,'' Ander explained, ashamed of himself.

Omar reached out and grabbed his hand, showing support. ''I know, but don't you think it's time to try another solution? Instead of trying to numb your mind to forget the sad stuff, why don't you focus on the happier stuff? Do things that make you happy to forget about the sad stuff.''

Ander nodded, liking the idea. ''Like what, though? I don't know if you've noticed, I don't have friends anymore.'' He let out a dry laugh.

''You have me,'' Omar reminded, nudging him. ''I could take a night off every week and watch movies together instead of going out? Or we could get dinner, just the two of us?''

''Netflix and chill?''

Omar snorted, cheeks flushed. Of course, that's what he's thinking about. ''If you want.''

''I'd like that. But, I don't want you to take days off for me. You need the money-''

Rolling his eyes, Omar sighed. ''One night off won't cut me that much money, Ander. And, you've been there for me when my father kicked me out, it's my turn to be there for you.''

Fair.

For a relationship to be healthy, one can't just give, give, give and never take. You have to accept your partner's help and stop thinking you're a bother. Omar wouldn't have offered to take a day off to spend time with him if he hadn't genuinely wanted to.

The curly haired one sighed. ''Okay.''

''What movie do you want to watch first? Your body is still weak from the blood loss and fainting, you should take it chill tonight.''

Ander nodded. ''It's been so long since we spent a night just the two of us. I miss it.'' He bit his lip, glancing at his boyfriend.

''I miss it too.''

Omar stood from his chair, reading Ander's mind, and leaned for a kiss that quickly became inappropriate for hospitals. Hands slid on each other's body as tongues slipped in, almost forgetting where they were.

A squeal escaped Omar's lips when Ander's hand squeezed his ass through the denim fabric, taking him by surprise. He broke the kiss, narrowing his eyes. ''What are you doing?! We're at the hospital. Your mom is right on the other side of that door.''

Ander shrugged, laughing.