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olderjodijournals · 27 days ago

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Wednesday, September 1, 1999

Here I am, so swamped with stuff to write about that I don’t know if I can remember everything I wanted to write.

I’ve been living here for 6 years today.

Let me cover Monday’s happenings before getting to yesterday’s.

Andy finally called. He was in San Francisco for a while attending Juliet’s wedding. Also, an example of how he doesn’t listen well - he said he was glad we got that $83,500 offer when we were only asking for $65,000. Didn’t I tell him it was the other way around? That we were asking $85,000 and thought we’d have to cut the price down to around $65,000? Then he says we could give him $5,000 and not even miss it. Not true. We need all the money we can get. Just because someone’s not exactly poor doesn’t mean they don’t have plans for their money or their money tied up.

He also said he hasn’t yet listened to the beginning of the story I started (I left him a message reading him the beginning) cuz he wants to wait till he can concentrate (he means he wants to wait till he’s sober), but that it sounded like I was reading from a book and that I used words he’s never heard before. Then he can go ahead and erase the message cuz he already answered my question. If it sounded like I was reading from a book, then maybe my story will be good enough in the end if I can ever finish it and literally have a book. As for using words he’s never heard of - wow, cuz he was the one, along with Tom, who really helped me expand my vocabulary.

Tom said there’s this brand-new thing I hope we can find someday that sounds totally awesome. The decorative plates I have, well, you can’t eat from those or put them in dishwashers or stuff like that. Now, though, they have paints that you can use to paint your own plates that you can wash and eat off of!

Monday, we went to Trails End Realty and put $500 down on the first 10-acre lot we saw that I felt that instant “we’re home” vibe on. What’s even more ironic is how the view fits my vision almost to a T which I told Tom about. I told him I could only see one house from the back of the house and nothing on the sides and the front, and that’s exactly the case. It won’t last long, though. People are gonna take advantage of the fact that we’re having the power strung right in that area and use it for themselves. I know God will bring in more people and houses and noise just as soon as I get there, but I don’t think it can come close to how noisy it can get around here. It also figures that the land next to us was broken up into 4 pieces, which means that although they can’t usually afford it, thank God, we could end up with 4 huge Mexican families on the 10-acre lot next to us, but Tom insists that we have nothing to worry about as far as noise goes. He says the properties are too big for there to be a problem with that like it can be here since here, they put 6 houses to an acre. Well, we’ll see, but I still say that if God finally lets me live my life without neighbors included in it, he’ll just go and do something else. There’ll be some new ongoing issues that I’ll have to deal with, but I may not mind the change of pace if it’s not too bad of an issue to deal with, cuz 8 years of dealing with neighbors’ noise and their bullshit is more than enough.

I’ve gone back to Tic-Tacs since I can have them after all. It just took me time to get used to sucking on something I couldn’t feel on the roof of my mouth. I gotta have some kind of vice, though, since I can’t chew gum with the retainers, don’t smoke, and don’t want to have a million cups of coffee a day even if it’s decaf.

Later...

Tom got in and we discussed some of the house’s options, then he went to bed. He’s pretty beat with all that’s been going on, but not as beat as he was last week.

Ciara arrived yesterday, sooner than I expected! She’s gorgeous. She’s very hard to describe, but let’s just say she’s huge. Her upper arm’s bigger than my wrist. Her powder blue dress is beautiful with sequins, pearls, lace, chiffon, bugle beads and satin. If people saw my dolls and didn’t know any better, they’d think my favorite color was light blue! Anyway, the floral lace hem at the bottom is gorgeous, and she’s got 3-4 layers on counting the stiff net-like stuff that’s underneath to make the gown flare out. I don’t know what it is, but there’s this icy glaze over the surface of the satiny part that’s really nice. She has lace gloves that the hands stick out of that are of the same lace that makes up the hem of her dress.

She came with a pearl necklace and pearl drop earrings that you’re supposed to stick straight in the holes drilled in the earlobes, but they kept slipping out so I had to glue them in. Her earlobes are part of the head and not separate where you can grab both sides of them like with a person, so I couldn’t simply bend the earrings and hook them in. Her dangling pearl earrings are similar to Summer Dream’s.

She has a pretty hairpiece shaped almost like a halo that’s made of pearls and lace, but I’m not using it cuz it doesn’t stay on very well, and it doesn’t look as nice as how I have it now. I have the sides pulled back and the rest loose. Her dark blond hair is curly and I decided not to straighten it.

Her aqua-blue eyes are runner-up between all my dolls as far as realism goes.

It was a bitch trying to figure out how her stand works since it’s different from any other stand I have. At first, I thought it was just the always-a-problem-with-dolls-I-get problem I had to deal with and that they forgot to ship the part of the stand that catches her at the waist, but that’s not how she stands. You shove a rod up her crotch, then screw it into her round stand which is almost as round in diameter as an old 12” album.

I left off her pantaloons, which are as long as my arms. For two reasons - they’re not necessary since you can’t see them anyway, and because I couldn’t figure out how to get them on over the stand.

Her shoes could fit a 3-year-old. The only thing that makes no sense is why they put girl socks and girl shoes on this obvious woman doll. She not only has a woman’s face, but she has tits girls don’t have. She’s soft-bodied from just under the tits to her shins. Besides, socks and shoes like she’s wearing (not that you can see them under her gown) don’t go with her dazzling fancy dress. I’d put her in stockings and heels, not socks and girl’s shoes.

Her face, which is just average, looks better in person than on TV. I definitely got her mainly for her dress and height. I see a slight resemblance to Juice Newton when I look at her from certain angles.

Her head moves, and her arms do, too. Her arms move front and back, but not at the sides. They do move in and out a little, but that’s only to give it flexibility when you’re dressing/undressing the doll. They don’t stay that way, though. Once you let go, it goes right back to where it was. I thought it looked better with one arm in a little more towards the body, so I stuck a bead in her shoulder socket to keep it in. They tend to have a doll’s arms stick out too much away from the body. Also, I like how the head’s attached at the top of the neck, rather than at the bass as with Bailey and Maria. It’s less noticeable at the top.

She also came with a little purse that matches her dress. It’s got a long pearl strap so you can hang it from her shoulder, but I chose to wrap the pearl strap around her hand and have the purse dangling from her hand.

She’s number 99 out of 300.

They sent me a complimentary scarf with dull neutral colors, but I’ll keep it anyway. I also got a card for subscribing to doll magazines, but I opted not to do that. After I get the rest of the dolls I want, I don’t want to be seeing more gorgeous dolls that I can’t get till there’s extra money for that again.

Tom set things up so I don’t have any claims to the new house/property, even though we both know it’s our place so that if he dies, I could just take the $50,000 of life insurance and get out of there without any responsibilities holding me there. That’s very sweet of him, but I meant it when I said that if he died, I’d die. Where would I go? How would I live? And even if I could stay at the house with a million dollars and live just fine, I wouldn’t want to. I won’t live if he can’t, whether or not we’re rich or poor.

I’m on my third page here and I’m still not done. I still have to write about the home inspection they did yesterday, but I’ll do it later.

Later...

This sucks. I’ve been recording 80s stuff all day and they haven’t played one good song that I don’t already have.

Anyway, the home inspection was more involved than I thought it’d be. I thought just one person would come out and breeze in and out of the house in ten minutes, but instead, the H’s realtor came to the house with two inspectors. The H’s are the people buying this house, by the way. Their names are on some of the forms Steven sent us. Along with the Realtor and the two inspectors, the H's came to the house with a friend of theirs. So, there were a lot of people here yesterday.

I don’t know what the results of the inspection will be, which was done by two guys in their late 40s-early 50s. They were nice, though. Especially the one with the German accent.

I was surprised the buyers were here, but Tom said that that was good. They should be here to know what’s going on so that they don’t have any questions in the future. I guess Steven’s gonna contact us about it sometime next week. Tom’s nervous about it, but I’m not, even though perhaps I should be. I mean, this is where God could really get us. He could really mess with our plans and make our lives miserable if he wanted to. If he’s gonna do this I suppose now would be the time to, but I’d like to think and hope that he wouldn’t be that mean to us after how long and hard we’ve worked to get out of here and into where we’re going, even if we do have to stay in an apartment for a month or two on our way there. Maybe I’m not nervous cuz I don’t have a bad vibe. I don’t vibe the H’s backing out. They seem too eager to move in here, and I’d think I’d sense it if they were gonna back out on us. Also, why would I get such a strong home vibe on that land if it weren’t meant to be ours? Just because I wished it could be? I don’t think so. I think it was more than just wishful thinking.

Also, the H’s seem very easy-going and easy to please. They don’t strike me as the type to make serious demands, changes, or additions that we’ll have to negotiate. We’ll see, though.

Ms. H and I talked yesterday and she is one of the nicest people I ever met that you just feel instantly comfortable with. Good looking too, although not fantasy kind of good looking. She looks great and is in excellent shape for being in her 40s. I’m sure it’s the result of never having kids unless she has kids that are on their own since she said it’ll just be her, her new husband, and his dad who’ll be having hip surgery, who was one of the few that stayed skinny after having kids. However, she strikes me as the classic woman whose right to have kids was stolen from her. She totally strikes me as the type who loves kids and who wanted them, but I’ll bet you anything she could never have kids. Why she never adopted, beats me, but maybe she did and they’re already on their own.

Anyway, I asked her if she worked out (even her handshake was firm and bone-crunching) and she said she swims a lot at the house she and and her husband are now renting. Also, this is their first house.

When they told me they have 3 dogs, I no longer felt so bad for them having to be next to a pack of wild freeloaders, cuz if you can stand 3 dogs that are no doubt gonna be out back barking non-stop, you should be able to stand music and other things. They do seem pretty easy-going and tolerable to me. I’m still glad, nonetheless, that no one banged in next door while they were here. Let them get introduced to and acquainted with next door’s shit after we move.

I guess Mr. H grew up in Sunny Slope and Ms. H is from Texas. What a nice Texan. Usually, they’re prejudiced, conceited snobs like Donna and Rosemarie were from the Vista. Texans hate everyone. The only thing they do right is killing their violent offenders.

Anyway, she admired Ciara, said she had braces too, and that her mom died. Maybe that’s why they’re suddenly buying a house and can afford to put a $23,000 deposit down like they said they would. They must’ve inherited some dough.

She asked me why the electric bill was so high. I just said I keep the AC cranked up all the time, but Tom told me later that it’s not high. Whatever.

She asked me what I liked best about the house. The truth is - none of it, but I told her the pool.

To get an idea of just how serious they are about moving in here, I asked her if she was excited about moving in and she nodded yes with a big grin, so I guess that and my vibes answer that.

She thought Ratsy was so cute, but I stopped her from patting him before he could bite her like he does with Tom. She thought the mice were cute too, and says, “So the place has mice.” Ha, ha!

The thing that had Tom and I baffled was how Mr. H was boasting about this being a great neighborhood. How does he know that if he grew up in Sunny Slope? Well, he’s gonna be very disappointed when he finds out that his lazy, inconsiderate freeloader neighbors can be so loud and messy.

Thursday, September 2, 1999

It still pisses me off that no matter how hard I diet, I can never be under 110 pounds. Like I said, as soon as I hit down at 108-109, I stop shitting and am back to at least 110 in a couple of days cuz of it. My body just totally rejects the idea of being under 110. So even though I’d rather work at getting to 100, I have to work at staying at the 110-marker so I don’t get constipated.

Tom went to those award ceremonies Tuesday, and is one of the top 10 out of 500 to get an award for his great work! He deserves it after all the hours they’ve made a slave of him.

Later...

I’m kind of bored right now. I did the laundry, did some writing, and did some reading, but there’s only so much of these things I can do. There’s just not much to do till we move and I can really concentrate on story-writing, among other things.

Tom’s mom’s going to Michigan to stay with her sister for 4-5 days. Mary’s gonna accompany her.

I can’t say I’m too shocked that next door’s been pretty mellow since the ranchero blasted in last Tuesday cuz of the offer we got. I’m not saying people didn’t bang in and out that I didn’t hear, or that I won’t hear any more from them while we’re here, but I don’t expect to be hearing that much from them now that we’re moving. Labor Day will be a circus, but other than that, God knows we’re moving, so you know how he is with neighbors right before I move. He usually tones them down at the last minute. Anyway, sometimes the cream pickup is on the street all day, sometimes it’s not. I’ve seen the red car a few times and the blue pickup once.

I’ve noticed a pattern - that things seem to have a better chance of working out for me the second time around. Not only did the Nicorette work for me the second time around, but so did the Melatonin. Makes me wonder if God would allow me to conceive if I started trying to again if I wanted a kid again someday, cuz if I’m not worthy of that in his eyes by now, I never will be. I better hope I stay not wanting a kid, though, cuz that’d make me feel all the angrier at God if I tried again after coming so far only to be denied that again. That’d make me feel all the more that he hated me and was controlling me and punishing me for some reason. Even if he would OK it, Tom wouldn’t. You can’t conceive with a guy who almost never cums, and who cums at the wrong time only. At least that’s the way it’s been since I stopped wanting a kid. Just think, deep down, he had to have been thrilled when I stopped wanting a kid, not that he’d ever come out and say so. Therefore, he took my change of desire to his advantage so he could practically quit cumming altogether.

Friday, September 3, 1999

Last night at around 8:30, while Tom was in the living room and I was in the bedroom, we heard music that was between soft and medium, but neither of us could say for sure if it was next door. When I looked out, I saw a silver car that I don’t think I’ve seen before but it left while I was listening to music and while Tom was dead to the world, so I can’t say for sure if it was that car.

It was actually a bit chilly when I went out early to dump some recyclables, and it’s only the beginning of September.

Andy left a message saying that although he has been doing more things lately, he’s not very happy. He’s puking every day from nerves. Then he should stop stuffing himself if he’s got a nervous stomach. Making a pig of himself on top of a nervous stomach isn’t very smart. It’s not a very good combination - nerves and a lot of food.

He also acknowledges that the way he feels is his fault since he chose not to work much throughout 1999 and that he’s lonely and feeling lost in life. I feel bad for him, cuz I’ve got a damn good feeling that this is how he’ll always feel. Sadly, I seriously believe he’s destined to live life feeling nothing but lost and lonely. And he calls God his friend?

Later...

Today’s one of those days the pickup’s gonna be here. Do I think Deb or Chester are working? I’m not sure, but I doubt it. If one of them is working, it’s probably Chester. I doubt the city and welfare will cut Deb off till her last kid’s on its own and that last kid probably won’t be born till she’s 45, which means they probably won’t cut her till she’s around retirement age, so then she can turn right around and collect social security to live off of. I know how these Mexicans operate. Girls are encouraged to start breeding upon starting their periods, and they keep having babies up till menopause so they can collect welfare while they’re under 65, then turn around and collect SS. That way they don’t ever have to work. It’s sick! Do these people feel they deserve nothing better? Do they really have so little self-respect? Do they always want to live life scraping pennies? Are those welfare checks really worth it? Or wouldn’t they rather work so they don’t have to struggle so much to make ends meet? If they’d just stop having so many damn kids, they’d have a shot at having a life and getting a good career going, but nope. They’d just rather let themselves be bogged down with kids so they have no life other than kids and welfare. Guess that’s all they’re good for. That’s all sick fucks like next door who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves deserve too, as far as I’m concerned.

Later...

How can they call the 80s the “me” decade when every decade before the 80s, the 90s, and all the decades to come will be just as loaded with selfish people? A good 85% of the population is selfish. Always have been, always will be.

We got approved for more than we thought we would as far as the loan goes, so that’s good.

I can’t believe we have just three more weekends left here! This Labor Day weekend, though, is gonna be a nightmare. They’re not just gonna have car stereos banging in and out, but there’ll be hours and hours of music blaring from the house. They just have to make a scene and be such attention-getters! They have to make everything a public affair! I can’t believe, though, that the ranchero hasn’t been around for about a week, but it’ll definitely be here tonight. By Saturday or Sunday night at the latest. I’ll be under the fan and music for damn sure, cuz I’m not gonna be forcefully invited to their fucking party. I shouldn’t have to know about it if they want to party and be forced to be involved. I don’t want to know they exist! Can’t these fucks go to someone else’s party somewhere else? No, of course not! Everything’s gotta be done here. Typically, Labor Day parties go from the early afternoon till the late afternoon, but I’ll bet you anything they’ll party till around midnight, give or take an hour or two. Don’t these fucks ever get sick of each other?!

Saturday, September 4, 1999

Tom told me earlier he’d like to “get together” today. So he got the yard work out of the way, ate and digested, and now he’s in the shower. I’m sure he’s relieving himself too, but fine. Whatever turns him on and makes him happy.

Later...

Tom’s out doing errands now.

We screwed, and this time it was a bit uncomfortable cuz I accidentally used too much KY so he ended up flying in there a wee bit too fast. I want to see if there’s some other brand that’s waterier and not so sticky. He said Vagisil makes lubricant so I’ll check out theirs. I don’t need the stickiness as an extra source of birth control cuz he’s my birth control. As long as he doesn’t cum and God doesn’t want us having a kid, I should never get pregnant. I haven’t yet, so I know I won’t and am not worried about it.

Later...

Tom said he was up till 11:30 last night and he didn’t hear a peep out of next door. Yeah, I’m not surprised now that we know we’ll be out of here real soon. Monday’s still gonna be filled with hours of antics, and Tuesday we’ll be picking up after the fucking party.

The blue pickup is visiting now.

I can’t believe I slept longer last night yet I’m still on a schedule! I fell asleep a couple of hours earlier last night cuz the night before I only slept 5 hours.

I just organized the list of stuff we want for the new house. Soon we’ll have to go to a few different types of furniture stores to see what’s out there. We’ll probably do that tomorrow.

Tom said he wouldn’t mind it if Kim alone visited or if she visited with a guy. I think that would be great. However, we only have one guest room and don’t want a lot of people staying at the house no matter where we live, so if she comes with more than one person, they need to stay in a hotel. I’ll tell her all this too, of course.

Sunday, September 5, 1999

The weekend is going by way too slowly. I’m exhausted right now cuz I didn’t sleep well last night at all and I don’t think I will till Tuesday.

I haven’t heard anything yet next door, but I’ve seen a lot of vehicles. Last night they had their typical weekend company which consisted of a ton of vehicles. Still no Ranchero yet that I know of, but definitely by Tuesday. No red boom stereo Bronco for about a month that I know of, either. The vehicles to file in last night were a silver jeep, the red car, the blue pickup, and a gold car that I mistook for a silver car the night that stereo drove by, which definitely had nothing to do with them. This gold car wasn’t Deb’s parents’, though.

The company didn’t arrive till around 10 PM, but I knew they were coming beforehand due to both common sense and seeing the front light on over there. The jeep didn’t leave till some time between 5 AM-9 AM. From midnight to 3:00 I woke up naturally a couple of times cuz of the stress of it being the weekend. At 3:00 we were both rudely woken up by some fuck’s tires screeching around the corner. And I had just gotten up to turn the music off two seconds before this happened. So, I didn’t get back to sleep till 5:00 and I had to literally force myself out of bed at 9:00 when I could’ve easily slept till noon at the very least. Tonight and Monday night will just compound my tiredness till I’m a total deadbeat cuz I won’t sleep any better the next two nights. I hope I can catch up on my sleep by going to bed earlier on Tuesday. I’ll need 12 hours of sleep after this weekend’s over!

Anyway, the gold car left at 10:00 this morning. Some dude and a boy of about eight took off in it. Can you imagine your father, but in this case the guy was Mexican and 40-something so he was probably the kid’s grandfather, bringing you to visit someone who’s got 30 people infesting the little house overnight? Just why do all these people that come to visit on the weekend have to stay till sunup? I mean, I know most Mexicans rise with the sunset and crash with the sunrise, but that’s still so weird! They probably get too stoned or drunk to drive, too. What does Deb do? Tell them to try to find a spot to sleep on the floor amongst the 30-40 sleeping bodies?

I just wish that fat lazy bitch would go somewhere else on weekends, but no. The only reason I can think of that the Mexicans and blacks did/do everything here is that aside from badgering me, most Mexicans and blacks have apartments, and they know they can get away with carrying on like a bunch of wild freaks easier in a house.

Thank God we have about 20 days left here!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 6, 1999

So far, this has been a very quiet Labor Day. The blue pickup was in and out, but other than that, there hasn’t been anything going on yet. I don’t exactly have a bad vibe either, so I guess that’s good. If anything is going to happen, I’d say it’s not going to till the evening.

Next door’s lack of front light last night told me there wouldn’t be company, and from what I could tell, they didn’t.

I may’ve become immune to the Melatonin, which means I may only be able to hold a schedule intermittently. After two Melatonin pills not working last night, I had to resort to a Benadryl to crash (I know I should’ve spelled ‘Benadryl’ with a capital B all along, but I’m too lazy to go back and make corrections). Also, I couldn’t get up on time today. If only that tire screecher hadn’t fucked things up! I needed to sleep in till 10:00 cuz I was so tired. So, I probably won’t be able to back up my schedule. I’ll probably have to roll it over. At least I held the schedule for three weeks. That’s the longest I’ve done that in years.

We’re about to do something else we haven’t done in ages - screw twice in one week. We’re not gonna cum, of course, but still, it’s a nice change of pace every now and then.

Later...

It looks like nothing’s gonna be going on next door, after all. The blue pickup visited twice, but as far as I know, that’s all that’s visited. The cream pickup just began moving, but now’s the time it normally begins coming/going - in the early evening. Meanwhile, just like last night, there’s no front light on.

The only annoying thing I hear right now is some fuck gunning his truck, motorcycle, or whatever the fuck the Goddamn thing is. I just tuned him out with some music, though.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but the silver car’s gone. The van’s still deep in the carport as it has been for months now, but the silver car’s gone. I don’t know if it still lives here or not. I haven’t heard car doors that sound like they’re coming from the carport. I’m kind of bummed. I kind of liked the idea of no one being able to get into the carport, but even getting to the street is too fucking close in this city!

The day after that fucking car with its screeching tires woke us up, we noticed tire tracks on the corner of our yard. Not the corner by the freeloaders which they drove over. We don’t know who the hell it was or if they were drunk, but I’d say so.

I hate being on the corner. We’ve got a corner lot out in Maricopa too (which he thought was Hidden Valley), but it’s different when you have a corner that’s 10 acres outside Phoenix than a corner that’s a sixth of one in Phoenix. OK, so we don’t have two houses just three feet away on both sides of us, but we get all kinds of kids and assholes like what woke us up cutting across our yard. Also, it’s noisier as far as stereos go, since they have to slow down to go around the corner and slowly drive by two sides of our house.

We’re going to be on the corner of two roads. Both these roads are in shitty condition. They’re dirt roads that are very bumpy. The good of it is that Tom said people aren’t gonna want to go cruising down those streets too often. Yeah, but they will when they’re improved like they will be someday. God’s not gonna let me live in peace no matter where I go, and if he does, it won’t be for long.

Sex was as I said/knew it’d be and I’m irritated again, too. I went from being sure it was from sex to sure it wasn’t from sex, but now I don’t know. It looks like it could be from sex, after all. I can’t think of anything else it could be. Why do I feel like God feels me having sex is a sin? Why have I always felt punished for any sex I’ve ever had? Why have I always felt sexually hexed? And the thing about it is that I know it’ll never go away. Once hexed with whatever, always hexed. So if someone’s hexed with jobs, they’ll always be hexed with jobs.

I have a lot more to write about. However, I’m not in the mood right now, so I’ll just say that I’m a little worried about things until Tom talks to Steven. According to the contract, we’ve only got three weeks left here!! But it just doesn’t feel that way. It just seems so unreal. I’m like - you mean God’s really gonna let us out of here now?! It’s like it’s too good to be true. However, we do have my logic, my vibes, and the fact that next door’s been quiet since we got the offer on our side. My vibes say the H's won’t back out of buying this house. My logic also tells me that too, cuz you’d think they’d have told us by now if they intended to back out. Also, from past experience, I know how it is with neighbors quieting down right before one of us is about to move. Well, hopefully Steven won’t have any bad news for us when Tom talks to him tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 7, 1999

Well, I did hear from next door for about five minutes last night at 10:00, but not in the way of music. The liar came in in the blue pickup, honked, then stood outside gabbing for about five minutes with some other bitch, before honking again, then taking off a couple of minutes later. I guess they only leave the front light on if someone who doesn’t live there is coming. But what was weird, was that right after the cream pickup took off at 11:15, the light then went on. Maybe they had company that I didn’t notice that came at 11:30 or later. By 12:30 I was out like a light, so who knows? Anyway, the horn honking couldn’t have been more obviously aimed at me, but fine. Let them honk all they want.

Miraculously, I’m back on schedule! Just when I thought I was knocked off it for sure, the Melatonin did work for me last night so I could fall asleep a little earlier and get up a little earlier. I still woke up a few times, though, but fell right back to sleep. There’s a catch, though, as always. I’ve had really bad bouts of constipation lately where I’m stuck for days at a time. Tom says it’s cuz he thinks I haven’t eaten enough foods with fiber lately, but I think it’s cuz of the Melatonin. Melatonin’s supposed to be natural and the bottle doesn’t say anything about that, but how much do you want to bet it’s just another one of God’s compensation trips? See? I have to pay for everything I gain. He’s not gonna win this time, though. I’ll eat more fiber, but I won’t give up the Melatonin unless it ever does stop working and stays that way. Meanwhile, I just won’t shit if he feels I have to be punished for my accomplishment.

I have never been more baffled by Tom and sex as I was the other day, but what else is new, huh? For the first time ever, he looked truly, genuinely bummed when I reminded him of why it’s not good to let me conceive even if the odds of that happening are one in millions, and suggested he keep not cumming. But it was always his choice not to cum in the first place so why would he be bummed by my suggesting he shouldn’t? I just suggested it, I didn’t demand it. He took the initiative to be my birth control along with God and he decided he wouldn’t cum. I told him later he could do what he wants, but even after telling him that, and even after the bummed-out reaction, he still wouldn’t cum. I just don’t get him. Why would he be upset over something that was always his choice to begin with? And why doesn’t he do something about it if he’s bummed over it?

I still haven’t gotten to our Sunday outing. We went to four different furniture stores to get ideas and prices. In some cases we can get what we want, in others, we can get what’s reasonable. We don’t want to put all our money into pricey furniture just because we can. We want to leave money for other things. In fact, he made up a budget he showed me today that looked pretty good to me.

We went to the grocery store yesterday where we picked up a few food items, as well as a different brand of KY for me that’s not so sticky and hard to wash off. What’s weird is that although this stuff is more liquid-ish, it doesn’t say not to use it if pregnancy is desired. However, both this KY and the one I’d been using say there’s no spermicide in the stuff and it’s not a contraceptive. Well, God and Tom will be my contraceptive just fine, and the stuff may not contain spermicide, but any doctor will tell you it’s almost as good as any contraceptive can get. It’s still too sticky for sperm to swim through very well.

We went to Staples too, and I got a damn good idea of what I want for a computer desk.

Lastly, I suggested we treat ourselves to some ice cream on our way back. Why not? Dieting doesn’t work. At least not for me it doesn’t. I’m sick of working so hard at dieting just to be the same weight month after month, so fuck it. I’ll eat what I want and fuck my weight.

Later...

The fat bitch took off in the cream pickup late this morning. I wonder where she’s been for most of the day. Maybe she’s working part-time, but I don’t know. I haven’t seen Chester or that striped van for a while, so I don’t know what his story is lately, either.

Later...

Maybe I know a little of Chester’s affairs after all, cuz he’s out front right now. The cream pickup and a green/white striped Chevy pickup just came in, and I thought I saw a fairly small guy take a box into the house, but then Chester came out of the house with a black shiny box. I don’t know what the fuck it was. He just handed it to the little guy and now they’re both sitting on the back of the pickup gabbing. This is the first time I’ve seen anyone hanging out front in a while.

Now there are two little guys. When I say “little” I mean that they’re shorter than Chester. Chester’s topless, and one of the shorter guys is wearing a white shirt while the other’s wearing a maroon one. They just put a bike in the back of this Chevy with its maroon plate and now they’re taking off.

Wednesday, September 8, 1999

The curiosity got to me and I asked him why he still didn’t cum if he agreed to be a naturalist along with me and after I said it’d be OK, but again he insists it’s not his choice; it either happens or it doesn’t. Also, we are being naturalists by just letting whatever happens to happen. True. I guess I didn’t think of it that way, and I guess we’re still being naturalists even if I’m still right about the reason he doesn’t cum being due to a subconscious fear. Anyway, he has a point, nonetheless, and he also swears he wouldn’t be embarrassed going to a doctor about it and says that maybe someday he will. As long as he’s honest - great. I’d still like to experiment with stimulants after we’ve moved and are settled and see where that naturally takes us. I had always been afraid that if I someday decided yes, I want to go through with the in vitro for sure, he’d either renege on our deal or not cooperate and do his part one way or another, but he gave his word and he agreed that if I ever found myself wanting a kid again (not that I think God would allow it) that he’d do his part, go to a doctor first about the cumming, see if I could conceive naturally by his cumming regularly, even though I know I wouldn’t, then go for in-vitro. That way they could see that we tried to help ourselves first in virtually every way possible, even if that means counting days, taking temps, and doing things we don’t necessarily want to do. It will depend on how much we feel a kid is worth it, and I don’t know what the future holds as far as what we’ll want to do and find worth it, but right now, I’d rather just concentrate on moving and getting settled in in the new house before I make any decisions about that. I may be around 40 years old, give or take a few years before I did anything about having a kid if that’s what I decided to do. I still don’t see God allowing that, and I don’t know if that’d be something I’d want or could handle. As for him, according to what he’s said, he’s happy if I’m happy. In other words, I think he’ll be fine if I decide to go for the in vitro at some point and fine if I don’t. Just as long as we both stick to our agreements and let the other know if we want to make a change and why we want to make the change. I feel the same way too, what with wanting him to be happy. If the guy wanted my tubes tied I’d be having them tied ASAP, etc. I’d do anything I could that was within my means, and if it wasn’t within my means, I’d try like hell to get it within my means. The only thing I do know for sure is that I haven’t conceived naturally after the 6 years we’ve been together and I never will at this rate as long as he rarely gets off. The interesting thing to see will be whether or not we choose to do something about it. My guess is that he’ll always be the way he is for many possible reasons. 1. It seems to be so much a part of him just like computers are. 2. The doctors may not be able to help him if he wanted to make a change like that. 3. He might think he’s not embarrassed, then find that he is and he may shy away in the end. 4. He may subconsciously be against change of any kind for whatever reason and resist a doctor’s suggestions.

Hopefully, we’ll never be faced with a conflict of interest. We both agree we’ll support each other, but we could end up in trouble if one wants to do something while the other wants to do something else. If I decide I want a kid and say to him, “You agreed to support me so you should be doing whatever you can to get off more,” he could easily counter that by saying, “But you said you’d accept me as I am and I can’t/don’t want to change.” Well, hopefully we can find a way to compromise if we ever cross this kind of bridge and work things out so neither of us feels controlled, not accepted, cheated, betrayed, or like we’re losing out on things in life.

He’s always sworn my not mentioning his cumming would be his cure-all, and even though he’s said that about other’s things we’ve tried, let’s see. The only reason I didn’t experiment with this suggestion was cuz of my doubt, but let’s see. If you’re an inquisitive person such as I am, experimenting is fun. So, my lips about the subject will be sealed for the rest of the century.

Maybe next door does leave the front light on when someone who lives there is coming/going, cuz it was on late last night while the pickup made a few trips in and out. Again the pickup’s been gone all day.

Tom said they followed him in the pickup to Circle K the other day. Not intentionally, of course, but the fat bitch and some fat male were pulling in next to him as he was leaving.

On a map that came in the mail from a title agency, I saw that I was wrong when I said there were 6 houses on this block. There are actually 5. Us, the freeloaders, the collies, and two others.

He bought a map that was expensive at $28, but the only map, nonetheless, with the street we’re gonna be living on. That way, since he’s not as familiar with the area, he can find alternatives to getting home if he gets caught in a storm. He could get lost without it since those dirt roads tend to get washed out during storms.

As usual, Steven didn’t call back when he said he was going to so we can find out how to get a hold of the contractor, which is our next step. That and getting the permit for the well, storage crates, and an apartment. However, we can’t really do anything with the contractor till we own the land and that doesn’t close till October 7th, ten days after the house closes.

He did ease my nerves tremendously, though. I think it was Labor Day when this happened, but we got a call from a realtor wanting to show the house, and we were like - what?! Still, my vibes weren’t saying the H's backed out and no one said they did, which they would’ve by now you’d think, and the freeloaders were still being quiet. I guess it was a misunderstanding of some kind, but as Steven said, it’s a done deal. Our house is sold! That brought tears of relief to my eyes.

I packed Ciara in the box she came in. First I took off her dress since I figured it’d be hard to repack in the box without getting it all rumpled. I hung it on a hanger (I held the thing up to me and it was below my knees) and covered it with a clothing cover Ma made me one Christmas.

Tom wants to go back to the arcade where the award ceremonies were to play some more games. He described some of them to me but says they’re kind of expensive. Some games are $3.

Once again, my schedule’s been thrown off, but this time there’s no one to blame but myself. I couldn’t fall asleep till 1:00 last night and I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed at 8:00, so I slept in till 10:30. Tom said I ought to give myself a day off. Well, it has been a month since I’ve slept right through and woken up naturally without alarms, so maybe I will.

Later...

The pickup’s back. This is the same time it came back yesterday, too.

I decided to play Andy’s game along with him. We’ve been getting private calls where there’s no message left, and I still feel it’s Andy. So, I blocked my number and called him right after getting the last two calls I got this morning and just now, and he was home. I decided to trust my gut instinct that says it’s him and give him a few calls, too. I’ve called three times today so far. The same amount of times he called me. I just hung up the first time, and let the radio I’m listening to record on his machine the second and third time.

I know it’s him. Why is he doing this? Oh, just cuz he’s bored. He probably figures it’s a good thing to do before he gets dumped too, to get attention without me hearing his voice and knowing it’s him for sure.

Later...

Jesus! The welfare bums not only give us beer cans and cigarette butts, but now they’re giving us their kid’s clothes, too. I found a pair of sweatpants and a shirt beside our hedges in back. They had to have come from next door given the position they were in. They can’t be the black bitch’s cuz I would’ve noticed them back when I’d spy over the wall beside the hedges to see when the blacks were moving in. The pants were royal blue. The tag said ‘2 Toddler’. I guess they were Batman pants, cuz their trademark tag was inside the pants, too. The navy shirt was long-sleeved with green and maroon rings around each arm. There were no tags on it. Both were stained. The pants looked like they had white paint on the seat of them as well as on the front and back of one knee. The shirt was in better condition but had light streaks throughout it. Looks like some idiot tried to bleach the thing. So, did Deb or some other adult throw it over the wall deciding they were too fucked up? Or did the kids do it? My guess is that Deb was too lazy to throw them away so she gave them to us, but guess what? They’re going back! Not both the pants and the shirt, just the shirt. I can’t mail them both without going over 16 oz. Packages over 16 oz. aren’t supposed to be thrown in a mailbox. The postal workers fear it could contain bombs. Nonetheless, I’m sure crazy Deb will be quite surprised to get the shirt back. I’m sure she won’t be expecting it!

Thursday, September 9, 1999

I’ve got to get Tom up at 4:30, cuz the contractor’s coming to pick him up around 5:30 and they’re going to go out and stake the land. He said I’m welcome to come along, but that it was not necessary. Yeah, I think I’ll hang back and work on my story and maybe do some singing.

Yesterday was the first time in about a month that I didn’t set my alarm. I woke up many times along the way, but I was so beat that I ended up sleeping 10 hours!

I worked on my story for about an hour yesterday, but only got 27 new lines. That’s because I spent so much more time changing things around. I realized I could go crazy with changes and make changes every day for the rest of my life, so I’ve got to find a happy medium between realistic changes and outrageous changes.

I’ve got a 3-ring notebook out and later I’ll look for the old paper puncher, so I can print the story out by chapters for him to read.

I saw a little boy about 5 years of age, and a guy with a crew cut that sort of looked white, although I’m sure he wasn’t since next door obviously doesn’t like whites, get into the pickup. But they were only gone two minutes before coming back and leaving again. Now where would you go for two minutes just to come right back, sit at the curb for another two minutes or so puffing on a smoke, then take off again?

After finally being able to shit yesterday after not being able to for 3-4 days, I’m stuck again. I’m not surprised, either. My latest habit is to go just twice a week, but it won’t kill me. I just may have to work harder at staying around 110 pounds.

I did the most work on my story today than I ever have before in one day.

Later...

Fucking people and their procrastinating and not doing what they say they’re going to do! The fucking contractor was supposed to pick him up at 4:30 to go to stake out the land, but then the cock called saying he was running late. So they agreed to meet each other there at the land, but he hasn’t shown up. Tom just called saying traffic was horrible and he’s not there. That’s still no excuse. That cock better hurry up and get there cuz it’s getting dark fast. I don’t want Tom to have lost valuable sleep for nothing. Can people do anything on time these days? Are there any business people that aren’t late?

Later...

Boy, am I pissed now! Tom called again asking for the cock’s number, but the cock just pulled in. Great. Just fucking great. It’s nearly pitch dark now, you fucking cock!

I saw a black girl hanging out front with what I think is the oldest girl living next door. If it is the girl next door, she sure cut her hair. It’s boy-short now. I later saw the black girl roller-blading down the street.

Friday, September 10, 1999

Tonight should be our second to last Friday night here on N. 21 Ave.!

Also, I’m back on schedule without even trying! The night before last I didn’t bother taking Melatonin since I was planning on catching up on my sleep. I did take a Benadryl but it didn’t put me out like it usually does. I took a Melatonin last night, though, at around 2:00 and was asleep by 2:30. Because I’d had a whole ten hours of sleep the night before, I woke up on my own today shortly after 8:00, almost an hour before the alarm was due to go off! I am a bit tired, though.

Yesterday’s trip out to the land was a waste of time. The contractor’s name is Gravity, of all names, and as Tom said, he’s a big talker. He says it could take four months before we get moved in, which Steven wouldn’t tell us, he says. It’s nice to know we’ve got reliable people working for us we can trust. Well, it’s still worth it if that ends up being the case, and whether or not we spend one week or four months in an apartment, it’s gonna be a nightmare and I’m not gonna be getting much sleep even though Tom insists I’m wrong. But I know how apartment walls are out here. We may not hear anything as loud as stereos if we’re set back further from the street, and they may not have dogs barking non-stop, but there will be clusters of kids outside our windows constantly, and we’ll be hearing our neighbor’s cabinets, doors, and footsteps just fine. With our luck we'll probably get what I last had living next to me on Bell Road; a group of teenagers who are constantly slamming doors and blaring their music. Or maybe a mad butch like at the Vista, but Tom said it’s different in places that are geared towards short-term rental, cuz those are people that are coming from houses that behave as if they live in houses. Yeah well, not all people that live in houses behave very well or very quietly, but we’ll see.

Gravity said that snakes may lie against the house at night, so it’d be important for us to be careful when opening doors. That’s nice to know. According to him, though, we can just get pigs. Pigs will eat anything, including snakes, he says, cuz a pig’s skin is too thick for a snake’s fangs to penetrate.

They didn’t stake anything, though, cuz as Tom figured and as they discussed, it’d be cheaper for Tom himself to put a wire fence around the property. They did discuss where to put the house and other things, but that’s about it for now. I would imagine that within the next few days, we’ll be going to see Steven to pick out colors. I remember the colors I picked out already.

At least we’ll have no problems with a cell phone out there. Tom wasn’t sure if it’d work OK with the mountains, but it does.

I was really on a roll with my story yesterday and I sent the first 5 chapters to Andy. He may be too stoned to read it or he just may not care to read it, but whatever he does, he does.

Later...

Well, the freeloaders definitely did not work today, if they are working at all, and I still don’t think they are. I think they’ll go straight from welfare checks to social security checks as I said before. They were playing car, though. Every Mexican’s favorite pastime. Tom said he saw them working on the pickup’s oil leak. Due to the times I’ve seen them come and go so far today, it makes me wonder if they’re actually beginning to sleep at night more often. I haven’t seen anyone hanging out front at night in ages.

Saturday, September 11, 1999

Tom got a little book of apartments. Next week we have to line up the storage crates, an apartment, and a PO Box.

Crystal Creek’s charging nearly $700 for their 2-bedrooms! It was just over $500 for one when we were there. I can’t believe how outrageously expensive Phoenix has become, and it used to be known for its cheaper cost of living. We’re only getting a 1-bedroom apartment. Yeah, right next to the freeloaders. God always makes sure I get stuck with them. I’ve had some pretty uncool white neighbors too, but you know how God is with me - the more I try to avoid things I don’t like, the more he seems determined to shove them in my face, so I’m gonna really be cursed with blacks and Mexicans. I certainly didn’t know what he was trying to tell me, till I met Tom, by rubbing guys in my face like he did for so long. I wish I knew why he rubbed kids in my face too, since we know he was never trying to tell me he wanted me to have one of those. Anyway, the blacks and or Mexicans will go right next to us, trust me.

A certain pack of freeloaders we’re next to now, was quiet last night as far as I know. They didn’t seem to have company either, but it was only 10:00 when I crashed. Besides, it’s Saturday nights that tend to be their bigger company night. All I saw yesterday was the red car.

Just as I was walking up to the living room window late yesterday afternoon, I saw the fat tub of shit standing in the back of the pickup as it was leaving, heading down the street. Why would the bitch need to stand? Couldn’t she sit? Also, the pickup’s taken to parking in the carport where the silver car used to park, which I don’t like, but it’s only for two more weeks! It doesn’t feel that way, though. It just doesn’t seem real yet. Anyway, they must have some enemy after them that they don’t trust, cuz they could’ve parked the thing in the driveway outside of the carport before, but they never did. I always assumed it was because they were just too lazy to go in and out of the driveway so that’s why they’d park in the street. So this suddenly not parking in the street, which they never had to do before, tells me there’s someone that’s pretty pissed off at them that they’re wary of and so they want to keep the pickup closer to them.

Deb just came in driving the blue pickup and honking. I saw a couple of kids get out carrying a big radio and something else. Again, why would you need to honk when you’re coming in and then going right back out? She never was signaling for someone she was picking up. I’ve heard a lot of horn-honking so far today, but I couldn’t tell where all of it was coming from.

Across the street had a hell of a party, but fortunately, they let me sleep and haven’t been noisy at all. They had about 6 cars over there and they’re still there now. What is this? A new trend? If you visit someone on a weekend, are you supposed to stay there overnight nowadays?

Later...

The freeloaders are still parking in the driveway, but now they’re parked just outside the carport where I can see them from the living room window. They’ve been out a couple of times already today.

The weekend slumber party across the street is still going on, but thankfully, they’ve been quiet and keeping their party for their ears only.

I rearranged my dolls yet again and am back to having four doll boxes, but I’ve decided not to take Ciara to the apt. She’s a bitch to set up and dress and undress and pack, so she’s going in with our other storage stuff till we get into the house. So are the Barbies.

So, I have Ciara in box one, Patrice in box two, Bailey and Maria in box three, and everyone else in a big wide tall box. They’re all standing upright and are snugly against each other so unless you pick the box up and flip it upside down, they’re secure. These, I’ll set up at the new place.

We went to a couple of pool stores for parts we needed for the pool, and while he was in one of them, I browsed through a gift shop. I couldn’t believe the nice wigs they had for dirt cheap!

Now here’s something I found both shocking and disappointing - we went to the doll store I got Bailey from, and boy have they changed! They only had one nice Indian doll, but she was too small and too pricey. She was about 20” and she was $600! Beautiful and realistic, though. They only had a few 24” dolls and they weren’t that impressive. They even had a few vinyls. Most of their dolls were small, though, and pretty boring. I’m glad I found this out now, so we won’t end up wasting our time coming in from the Tempe/Mesa area all for nothing. As Tom said, and as the phonebook said, there are plenty of other stores to check out.

I checked online to see what dolls I could come across and found a doll I have to have. She’s a sitting doll that’s only 9½” high, but she’s gorgeous! Totally my type of doll. She’s $125 and is Sacajawea’s replacement (Sacajawea was the same size/cost). She sits unlike any other doll I’ve got, sort of Indian style, and seems pretty real-looking. She has a white-flowered blouse that’s off the shoulders, black pants, and nice bare hands and feet. Nothing on the head. She has an ankle and wrist bracelet and she has a wooden brush she brushes her long dark hair with. At first I thought she was an Indian cuz of the long straight hair parted in the middle, but with the name Marisa, she may be a Latin doll. Who knows, I may even end up replacing Pine Leaf, too. Pine Leaf has a great face, though, so we’ll see. It depends on what else is available. I’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of the dolls I like and decide which ones to get. It’s lots of fun at the same time I wish I could have all the ones I like. Don’t all doll collectors? Well, maybe I can have them all if I make some decent money writing! I still hope to get Chyna, though, and I really hope to get Sekarina.

Later...

The first of the half-a-dozen vehicles to be next door tonight just showed up. It’s that gold car I saw that 40-something guy and that 8-year-old in that stood overnight last Saturday. Find a spot on the floor, guys!

Sunday, September 12, 1999

We screwed earlier and now he’s glued to the TV.

You know, I really realized something big time today. He’s happy the way he is in bed. He’s never complained, let alone wanted to see a doctor or try stimulants. He says he enjoys it and that he’d tell me if he didn’t, so yes, he really does like things the way they are sex-wise.

For the longest time, I didn’t see how he could get as excited as he does, get no relief, then say he enjoys sex. But then it hit me that just because I couldn’t enjoy sex if I got that close to cumming but didn’t, and just because most people wouldn’t be happy with that, doesn’t mean he can’t be happy with just getting excited. Who am I to say what should or shouldn’t make him happy? Only he can know how he feels and what makes him happy and I truly believe he’s been honest about that much. Yes, I still believe he’s afraid to cum for fear of impregnating me, but he’s still happy. The only thing I fear is my returning to wanting a kid sometime down the road, but as I told him - his sexual satisfaction is more important than anything I could ever want. I don’t want him to change. I want him to be himself and be happy, and he’s plenty worth giving up something I may want that would only make me miserable and that God wouldn’t allow me to have anyway. So, no doctors, no stimulants, no in-vitro. Besides, it’s not definite that I’ll go back to wanting a kid, and whether or not I did, I’ve got a million other things I want and if I didn’t, I’m sure I could get them.

As for myself, I don’t enjoy sex, so to speak, but it’s certainly no turn-off to me. I don’t get as excited as he does and I certainly don’t cum, but as I told him, it’d still be nice for him to go down on me every now and then, cuz at this day and age, that’s the easiest way for me to get off. Any other way takes me forever. So, it’s not that I can’t get off, it just takes so long. I choose not to so I don’t take forever and cuz I don’t want to be the “man” in bed. With most couples, the guy gets off more, and I feel weird about getting off more than he does, being the woman. With most things, I don’t mind being different. I even like it. However, I don’t want to be that different in bed. We’re already unique enough in that department, but it’s not like we don’t cum at all. I use the vibrator fairly regularly enough, and I’m sure he takes care of himself.

There is something he’s willingly changed for me in bed, and I really appreciate it and his accommodating me on this. That’s that he’s only spending a few minutes on the side. That really helps, cuz I never did like that position all that much. Not like with him on top. It’s just too unnatural of an angle for me and causes me to feel pressure spots in my lower gut.

For the sake of my inquisitive nature, I’m still not going to mention cumming at least till we’ve been in the house a few months and are settled. It’s one thing for me to say that not talking about how he is in bed won’t change him, especially if he’s happy and if he likes not cumming, but it’s another to see it. So, let’s see me be right about it. I know it won’t change anything, now let’s see it. Again, I don’t want to change him and make him not be himself and make him unhappy. I just don’t want to ever want a kid again, cuz despite all the technology available today, nothing can help me. I’ve got too many odds stacked against me. But why doesn’t God have something go wrong where I need a hysterectomy? What do I need my parts for?

Later...

I just thought of something else, too. How am I ever gonna know for sure if he likes not cumming due to his fear of me getting pregnant? I mean, I’m 98% sure that that’s why he likes not cumming, but what if there’s a 2% chance it’s something else, and what else could it be? Could he not be attracted to me? Could it be something I’ve never even thought of? People usually like what they like for a reason.

Well, he definitely prefers sexual pleasure over a kid. No doubt about it. He’s never once on his own openly expressed a desire for a kid. Not like I used to. I really firmly believe that if he had to choose between giving up his sexual satisfaction for a kid, or keeping it and giving up the kid, he’d take the sexual pleasure in a heartbeat. He definitely does like to not cum. He definitely does not want a kid. I’ll bet you that if I never mentioned a kid again in my life, he’d never bring it up again and he’d never give a moment’s thought to if I could be wanting a kid deep down inside. This is the one area he’s thought of himself first, but that’s OK as long as he never takes me for granted. What I mean is that most women would not sacrifice a kid for a guy. Most women would leave him if they wanted a kid, so I just hope he’s always appreciative of the big thing I’ve done for him just like I’m appreciative of the big things he’s done for me.

Monday, September 13, 1999

A guy came to appraise the house today. He was only here a few minutes. I guess the termite inspection and going to Steven’s to pick out the colors/options and sign the contract come next.

The freeloaders have been both believably and unbelievably well-behaved. It’s believable cuz we’re moving, and it’s unbelievable cuz they were so fucking noisy. Anyway, the weekend was quiet and they only had that gold car over Saturday, and that’s it. It didn’t stay overnight, either. There’s been no loitering, no voices out back, no music, etc. I’m not saying I won’t hear from them or the ranchero while we’re still here, but it’s been great. I am not looking forward to dealing with apartment life for a few months, though, but it’ll be well worth it. I’ll hear different sounds, but the noise there will be much more consistent. Instead of dogs and stereos, it’ll be cabinets, doors, footsteps, and things like that. It’ll be mostly inside noise that’ll be a nuisance, but at least this time around I’ll have the fan and the cordless headphones. I’m sure there’ll be noisy kids, too. Especially at the pool, but at least they keep the bees away. That’s the only thing I miss about apartments. Cuz of all the people, there were no bees to worry about.

Also, the freeloaders have taken to parking the pickup in the street again. Good. That way they won’t be so tempted to trash our yard with cigarette butts since they don’t walk by our yard to get to the pickup when it’s in the street.

Yesterday, we went for our final swim, since the water’s getting a bit chilly. Tom got a little sad for a minute there, cuz this is the house we got married in. I understand. There are some good memories associated with this house along with the years I was miserable over not being able to have a kid. I quit smoking in this house, started a great doll collection, and a wonderful collection of rats and mice, too.

I took a series of awesome pictures yesterday. I took some of the house, the yard, the animals, and Tom. I zoomed in on the palm tree across the street and took a full-screen size picture of that so I have my own palm tree pictures besides the ones I got online. After sending Tammy, Dureen, and Art their letters upon moving, I’ll be sending them pictures of Tom, the animals, the dolls, and the new place.

I sent Andy a dozen or so cute animal pictures and a picture of Tom in the pool that came out great.

The freeloaders will be getting a couple more pictures. One of my hand flipping the finger, and one of the pigeons sitting on their roof that I zoomed in on.

Andy called to tell me he began reading my story and that he thinks it was well written. He also said he was headed out to lunch and would read the rest of it there.

I looked online to see if I could find out if Melatonin causes constipation, but couldn’t find a link. I hope Tom’s right about it just being over the stress of the move, cuz I haven’t been this constipated since I was on Navane! Of course, all my hard work of just having barely 1000 calories yesterday didn’t pay off cuz I’ve been stuck for days. I should’ve known better than to waste my time, but I can’t eat the normal amount anyway, or else I’ll be 125 pounds in no time if I’m only gonna shit once or twice a week.

I tried to attach the piece of my cut hair, which I braided, to Victoria by sewing it into her bonnet, but it didn’t look very good, cuz you could still see her blond hair at her hairline.

Later...

I called this doll store Tom said was close by that I found in the phonebook, and if what I was told is true, I can’t wait to get to this store! She said they have dolls as tall as 5’ 4”. Oh my God! That’s taller than me and that’d make Ciara seem Rapunzel’s size! And she said it was only $1000-$1,200. I thought that’d be between $3,000-$4,000. Anyway, she says they do have realistic-looking dolls and a good selection of Indian dolls.

Later...

Andy kept me on the phone for an hour, and who knows how much longer we’d have been on the phone if I hadn’t let him go. He’s really been quite a rambler in the last half a decade or so, and you know how I hate sitting on the phone even though I was bored shitless before I called. I’ll have to remember these long, boring, grueling phone chats whenever I feel guilty about dumping him in the future, besides the fact that he has Michelle. I can’t believe he didn’t mention God!

Anyway, he says he’s still working for Barbara Nicks, is otherwise unemployed, and wants to go back to working full-time (yeah, right!), but not with people. He wants a job isolated from people. He hasn’t been at Red Lobster since May. I didn’t know this, but it doesn’t surprise me. He thought he told me about it already, he says, but nope. He said he got into an altercation with an employee and was told to go work at some other Red Lobster and he told them to fuck off. In other words, he was fired yet again for the millionth time. I understand his clashing with people, though. I always had the same problem. If I don’t make trouble for others, others make trouble for me. Somehow, someway, be it my fault or not, I’d pretty much have problems with any group of people in any place.

He said Barbara Nicks has a little house by her store in Silver Springs that she said he could rent for $550. He says he couldn’t swing it alone (his rent’s now $380). Not if he’s gonna be unemployed and spending a ton of money on pot, cigarettes and food. He said he and Michelle have been wanting to live together again for a long time, but that he doesn’t think Barbara would go for that. Also, his current landlord is lenient when he’s late with his rent, but he doesn’t think Barbara would be so lenient.

There’s this 22-year-old boy he has a crush on who buys weed from him. It figures. Totally figures. He just doesn’t think he deserves anyone better and it’s so sad! Then again, we can’t help what we like.

Originally, he left me messages critiquing my story like I asked him to. He did a good job of it too, and said the same thing Tom said; the story’s moving too fast. I’ll have to try to find a happy medium between dragging on and on and getting boring, and this fast pace I’ve been at so far.

He also wanted me to hear his outgoing message, and he said, “Watch. You’ll call and I’ll answer.” This is when I realized he wanted me to call him and wanted to answer so we could talk live, and sure enough, he did answer.

He asked me more about the house, and that was pretty much it. He wants a message taped that I’ll add to his tape sometime later.

I dread that during our last two weeks here, he’s suddenly gonna need a favor that he’ll just have to come over for. Something that’ll be a pain in the ass for me to do, and then that’ll be one more time I’ll have to deal with this baked bore! He sounded unusually alert, focused, and sober today, though.

Later...

God, I’m so fucking bored now that it’s bordering on depression. I’m bummed over not having much to do till we move, and the things I could be doing now, I just don’t have the energy to do. I don’t feel like working on my story or reading. I’m not in the mood to listen to music and I don’t want to go watch childbirth, either.

Tom took a few pictures of me yesterday too, and they were like - oh my God! Is he lying by saying I’m skinny and beautiful? Is he blind? Or is it just his nature to want to disagree kicking in? I’m huge! But the question is, how can I be just 110 pounds? That’s impossible. I’m much too big to be just 110 pounds. I look 15-20 pounds heavier and I really think I’m somewhere around 120 pounds. I wasn’t even this big when I was in the 130s when I was 18! I’ve definitely gotten more inches for the pound with age. I’ve always had my problem spots, but now I’m big everywhere. I was never big in the neck, the hips, the arms, and the ass when I was 18. Now I am. I suppose part of it is my sagging and aging, but I’ve still seen plenty of people who are way older than me who are also much smaller. I’m huge everywhere and I’m sure the average person would describe me as chunky. I know what I’m seeing in the mirror and what I saw in those pictures weren’t just my imagination. Still, seeing those pictures was actually a good thing, cuz it’s made me eat even less, not that I’ve been one to gorge. Yes, people are full of shit if they think you have to overeat to be fat! Maybe you do to be as big as the bitch next door if you don’t have a medical condition.

Later...

There’s a dark red car out front that I’ve seen before, and I also saw three boys. A couple of them may’ve been twins. They wore brown shirts and their hair was short except for a little tail in the back. One cock was fumbling with his pants at the dick area doing God only knew what. At first I was like - oh, so they’re gonna loiter out front for hours and trash our yard? But nope. At least not now, cuz they headed indoors.

Tuesday, September 14, 1999

Andy made a generous offer earlier. He said he had free tickets to see Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris tonight and that he’d take me. I thought about it but declined cuz he’s about ten years too late. It’s funny how I was once dying to go see her as a teenager and couldn’t cuz I got in trouble for smoking or something like that, but now that I can see her, I decide not to. I would’ve up till I was around 24, though. I was tempted at first, cuz I have been a fan of hers since I was about 9 years old, after all, and since it probably wouldn’t be so wild of a crowd, but then I was like - nah. He’d insist on either taking me to his house afterward or coming here to use the Internet, so nah. And the more I tried to tell him that I just wanted to go straight home afterward without him, he’d push harder to come in or to go somewhere else first. Also, I can’t tell him not to smoke in his own car, so I’d have had to put up with his cigarette smoke. Also, you just don’t get the kind of views you can from TV and videos, and she is old and fat now. I haven’t one stitch of lust left for her. Still, it was nice of Andy to offer.

We ended up going on a wild goose chase today cuz the fucking doll store we thought was in Phoenix is really in Kingman (it didn’t say in the phonebook, so we assumed it was in PHX) and it’s not a regular store. It’s a mail-order service. We called them on the cell phone when we couldn’t find them, and they say they’re opening a regular store in Mesa in a few weeks. I think, though, that after two tries at looking in stores and not finding anything, I might call it quits for now and just get Marisa, Chyna, Sekarina, Tiffany, Sacajawea, and Pine Leaf if they’re still available.

Again, everywhere I looked, as we were cruising down the streets, was nothing but those fucking, filthy, lazy, freeloaders! I swear, Phoenix is 60% Mexican, 30% black, and 10% white. Will there be any white people left in this country, especially in the southwest, a century from now?

Speaking of freeloaders, the ones next door have oil-absorbing gravel all over their driveway, cuz the pickup has a very bad oil leak. But if they don’t want oil in the fucking driveway, why can’t they just park the damn thing in the street?

Also, the dark red car wasn’t here long last night, it didn’t come and go a million times, and there was no music, no yelling, no loitering, or any trashing. I tell you - it’s cuz we’re moving, so there’s not gonna be much in the way of shit to deal with from them. If the house was still on the market, then yes.

Later...

I just changed the animals’ cages.

Andy left a message regarding the animal pictures I sent him. He said he’s normally grossed out by rodents but can see how they’d make cute pictures. He’s also going to see Linda alone. This will be at least the third or fourth time he’s seen her.

Tom’s mom had to return early from her trip to Michigan. She had problems getting on and off the planes. The law requires planes to accommodate handicapped people, but I guess they didn’t feel like it, so they had to deal with that shit, and getting on/off the planes was a big to do. Then when they finally got to Neva’s door she collapsed. All the while she was there, she was out of it. For some unknown reason, her brain isn’t working right. She remembers old stuff better than new stuff, and since it’d been a really long time since she was at Neva’s, she had a hard time remembering the house’s layout.

At first I had a hard time feeling sorry for her and was like - what? Does she want to be a burden to people? How could she have been stupid enough to go in the first place? But according to Tom, she doesn’t know any better. But Mary and her doctors do and they should’ve put their foot down since she obviously can’t make her own decisions. As Tom said, the question is - will she go to California like she was originally planning to with David and Evie? I’m sure she’ll be stupid enough to try. And Mary will be even more stupid and not stop her. Anyway, Evelyn’s gonna be with her during the daytime cuz she just can’t be alone anymore, then I guess, and I hope, she’ll be in some kind of care center where she belongs. It may be more expensive and she may not be as happy, but she belongs in a nursing home/care center of some kind. She’s only got about a year to live anyway, so she may as well go where people can care for her 24 hours a day and where she wouldn’t be such a burden to Tom and Mary. I doubt Tom would ever admit she’s a burden, but still, he doesn’t need to be her daddy. He has too many other things to do. The man’s got a right to have a life one of these days! We need to move and then relax for a change. Not play parent to someone who should be in a facility with people who are trained and equipped to deal with her and her needs. No wonder God didn’t want us to be parents. He knew we’d have to be her parents.

Wednesday, September 15, 1999

Tom called about the storage crates today. Instead of getting a couple of crates, we’re gonna get one huge 8x20 crate that’s 8’ 6” high. It’s weather-tight and will be stored in a place with good security. It’ll be here next Wednesday morning. I moved most of the boxes out of the bedrooms and into the living room so that’s a few fewer steps he has to take when it comes time for him to load up the crate.

We’re getting a furnished apartment, and we were talking about getting one with maids to spoil us for a few months, but we’ll see. They’re still all going to be noisy, but I hope I can at least have a dishwasher!

We talked about getting a backup vehicle of some kind when we move. When the car breaks down, it’s not like he can just walk to a bus stop and get to a car parts store easily. So, we might get an old pickup or van.

I shortened the rat’s cage, and you know, I really like it better this way. See, the cage has two square sets of bars that stack on top of each other and sit inside the base, which is like a huge litter box. The top stack of bars has a roof, naturally. Anyway, having the two square sets of bars is a bitch to deal with, cuz it’s harder to lift the two stacks off the base at my height to clean the bass. Especially when it’s up on wheels. But with one set, it’s easy enough to lift off to clean the base and the bars, too. I hope I can find another base (and roof), cuz if I can, I’d rather have two mini cages each with 2-3 rats in them. That way it’s easier to clean the base and the bars. If I have to have it tall again, at least I’ll take it off its wheels. That way, it’d be easier to lift the two stacks of bars off. It also makes vacuuming the sawdust these slobs throw out the cage easier.

For the longest time, I had the rat’s cage right by the back door, but now they’re sitting on top of the drawing table by the shelf where the mice are just inside the back room. That’s right - the H's will be getting a couple of little wall shelves that are in the back room. We certainly don’t want them. They’re so small and they’re not very nice, either.

Andy was getting to be a pest again yesterday with all his calls. His last message to me was that he’d give me a concert review to let me know how Linda was, but I haven’t heard from him.

The voice messaging system is all fucked up again. For a few days, the system was all fouled up, then things were back to normal. However, when I just went to send Andy a message asking about Linda, it wouldn’t let me send it. Fine. Fuck it. I’m sure as hell not going to call direct, cuz he’d no doubt answer since he’s always home and always has his ringer on unless he’s sleeping, and get stuck on the phone with him for 1-3 hours.

Woke up at 108 today cuz I’ve really been watching what I eat. I finally shit yesterday for the first time in a week, so now I’m done with that for a week. I still think it is cuz of the Melatonin for two reasons. One, cuz of God’s theme for me - being different. So, if most people don’t get constipated from something, then I’m more likely to. Two, I think it goes along the lines of his compensation game and making me pay for things, whether or not they’re normal, everyday things or not. Of course he’d make sure I could only shit once a week if I was gonna be allowed to be able to keep a schedule. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up, though. I don’t know how much longer I’ll even want to keep it up. I may want to take a break once we get to the apartment, but I may not be able to sleep there during the daytime with the noise. I may just have to wait till we get to the house, which won’t be till Dec-Jan.

I got a card in the mail from the home shopping channel with an ad about an artist named Rustie and a doll of hers that’ll be airing later this month. I’m not fond of Rustie dolls. I think all her faces look the same and her outfits are too frilly. Also, the hair on this particular doll is hideous, even though it’s long. It’s too bushy and the curls are way too tight. Anyway, it was still cool to get this card, cuz it makes me feel all the more like I’m an official collector. I’m known now for collecting dolls, so I should and will get stuff like this.

Last night, after sifting through all the childbirth, the kids having kids, the druggies who lost custody of their kids, and the like, I saw some pretty neat stuff. As you know, I’m fascinated by airplanes. I love to fly. It’s a total adrenaline rush for me. This was about air disasters. It was a bit scary, but neat anyway. I also saw a documentary on technical disasters such as The Challenger, Chornobyl, The Exxon Valdez, a burst dam in China, and more. Tonight I’m gonna watch a hurricane documentary. Florida’s getting swamped with Hurricane Floyd right now, and that reminds me - typical Andy. He mentioned that there was a big hurricane and wondered how it was affecting my parents. He just had to bring them up. As if he doesn’t know they’re not my favorite topic of discussion. As if I even care about how it’s affecting them?

I wonder about past people I’ve known. I don’t care about them, but I’m curious. Did Kacey ever find another long-term girlfriend? Or did she continue dumping them every other week? Is Brenda still miserable, hanging out with losers? Are her kids still living with her sister? Are Ron and Al still alone like they deserve to be? Whatever happened to Mary C, Emily B, and Crystal C? Is Mary still with John? Did Emily’s third marriage work out? Is Crystal still using and ripping off roommates and attracted to bad boys? I even wonder about Fran. Is his life still the same? Probably. What about Jessie and Steve? I hope they’re happy. What about Tammy W and Anne Marie? What about Denise M from Valleyhead? Is that mean, snobby, insensitive bitch Maliheh still alone as she should be?

Anyway, I can’t believe that in just a couple of days, it’ll be our last weekend here!!!! Next Friday the 24th is when we’re gonna load up the crates. Over the weekend on the 25th and the 26th, he’ll come back and take care of last-minute things and clean the oven with that shit that smells like bleach and makes my lungs tight while I’m at the apt.

Thursday, September 16, 1999

Andy just doesn’t get me. I mean, he’s totally clueless! Thank God we’ll only be here for one more week, cuz he’s getting to me again. I’m not pissed, but I am annoyed. I’m gonna remember these times whenever I may feel guilty about disappearing from his life.

He never mentioned Linda in his latest message, but he did excitedly tell me about this new temp job he got as a receptionist and how much he hopes it’ll be a permanent thing (till he makes sure he gets fired). At this point, I said to myself, here comes the God shit I’m so sick of hearing over and over and over. Sure enough, he did go right into God and how much he’s come through for him this year. Then he says not to be mad at God for answering his prayers, and I’m like - what?! God’s answering someone’s prayers never made me mad. All I ever told Andy was that I felt he gave God way too much credit and that God’s mostly mean and vengeful, not loving. To me, he’s insensitive, with not much compassion. Especially when it comes to women. He seems to not care about their hardships and their emotions. He seems to inflict more pain and punishment than not. God may answer a few of Andy’s prayers but look at him and his life in general. He’s still alone, and the main reason he’s alone is cuz of God. So, I get embarrassed for him when he degrades himself by overpraising God. That’s just like a woman or a man boasting about how great their spouse is when in the midst of their being great, they’re also beating the snot out of them. It’s like - wake up, Andy! God’s not all you think he is! If he was, you wouldn’t be where you are today and neither would most people. Yes, I’m truly blessed compared to your average human being, and yes, I’m glad I can’t have a kid and don’t know why I ever wanted one in the first place, but still, God took away my choice and my right to choose, as a woman, whether or not I have a kid, and I’ll never forgive him for that.

Later...

I did it again. I was getting short on sleep, so I was able to fall asleep last night at around 11:00 instead of 1:00-1:30, and I got up just before 8:00 rather than just after 9:00.

I’m glad we’re moving, cuz this new mailman we’ve got isn’t much better than the other one. I’d hang my letters to the mailbox flap with a clothespin. Well, this dude would yank the letter and clothespin off and not have the decency to put the clothespin back, the rude little shit. Tom rarely mails anything from here cuz when he does mail stuff, it’s usually bills, and it’s safer to drop those in a regular mailbox. It’ll be different at the house cuz we’ll have a regular mailbox at the end of the driveway where you put the flag up when you have outgoing mail.

Sunday, September 19, 1999

We’re coming to the end of our final weekend in Phoenix!!!

I’ve even decided to bring to an end the freeloader file and seal up their envelope. I’m also gonna chance that Andy won’t be coming over demanding his phone message tape for any reason and I’m gonna seal his envelope up, too.

The weekend was quiet. All I heard was a few bouts of some guys yelling about some shit or another next door last night, but I turned the fan on and tuned them right out of my night. Also, there were a few bouts of kids screaming, too. No music, though, so they were tolerable.

On Friday there was a navy and white striped pickup with rails just like what the cream pickup has. It was just loading a ladder onto its rails when I stepped up to the window. Why they’d need a ladder when they’ve got the city and their ladders at their beck and call beats me. That day, Deb was wearing a white shirt and black shorts and she had that ridiculous poodle pom-pom. She also had what may’ve been a baby bag with red straps and Winnie the Pooh on it. The girl that cut her hair had on blue shorts and a blue striped shirt. Lady butch was out running around today in the yard and in the street with an adult female, the black girl she’s buddies with that lives nearby, and a couple of other fellow kids.

The red car was here last night, and earlier at around 5 PM, the blue pickup was here. I saw Deb leave with two guys in the back of it. Inside it was 2-3 people. Deb was wearing all black, and this time, instead of her pom-pom, she had her hair in a ponytail that fell to the middle of her back. She looked more Mexican than I’d ever seen her look before.

Today, the blue pickup was over from around 3 PM-4 PM, and so was the gold car. Deb’s parents' gold car, I believe.

They’ve done everything I’ve predicted they’d do so far except getting a dog. The company’s coming earlier now that it’s cooling down and they’re no longer hanging outside during the dark hours.

Lastly, the van moved. I haven’t seen anyone driving it, but it’s no longer deep in the carport. It’s just inside it.

Later...

The manufacturers have suddenly decided to stop making Vanceril, the preventative inhaler I use, so tomorrow he’s gonna fight with Dr. Brown’s office to get something else. I hope to hell Tom’s right when he says he thinks I’ll be 90% better once we leave the valley, and maybe I can just go without these damn inhalers, cuz I’m sick of there being a problem getting them every other time I call for them.

We made reservations to stay in an apartment in Mesa. They’re short-term rentals that are just like hotels, only you get a kitchen, a bedroom, and a little more space. However, we’re going to cancel the reservations, cuz when Tom called back and asked about pets after he forgot to in the first place, they said no pets allowed.

Tom looked at other places by himself that he thought were too dumpy, then today, we went together to the Siesta Suites in Scottsdale.

They consist of two two-story little strips - one’s studios, the other’s 1-bedrooms. There’s a pool in between the ends of the strips. No Jacuzzi. Tom said he’d prefer it if I went to the pool with him at first and not by myself cuz it didn’t look too healthy. Well, I always prefer to swim with him than alone, but why do I get the feeling he’s just worried I’ll have a problem with someone? I don’t need a babysitter if I’m right about his motives, and there’ll be no problems with people unless they make problems. And like I told paranoid Tom, who’s worried about me going off on someone there, if someone makes trouble, I’ll call the office. It won’t do me a damn bit of good, but I’ll start with that, and I’ll tell you something else for damn sure - if I ever “go off” on someone again in my life, it won’t be with words.

Yes, it is going to be noisy, even though Tom doesn’t think so. I know my construction when it comes to apartments in Arizona, and there’s a little kid next door to where we’ll be on the second floor. Tom questioned my taking a room right by it, but I can just fan out its screaming. It’s people’s movements within the building and car stereos that will be the biggest noise source. And I know God and my shit luck. Even if the rooms next to us were empty, God would make sure little kids and other noisy people were right next to us. I always get the noisy people no matter where I go, so what the hell? Why try to fight an inevitable fate? It’s the same shit wherever I go. I asked the guy (Chris) if he’d be honest with me if I asked about noise complaints and he said that it’s a brick and concrete structure which isn’t soundproof, but pretty doggone close. In fact, one of the biggest compliments he gets is how quiet it is there. Yeah, right! I should’ve known better than to ask, but even if it is quiet for others, you know it won’t be for me. God just has to sic noise on me wherever I go! Tom was like - but it’s the middle of a Sunday afternoon and no one is out at the pool. Yeah, but I wasn’t there yet. I’m a magnet for noise and once I get there, there’ll be more than a screaming kid out on its front patio playing. Tom said he thinks he’s old enough to be in school. No, he’ll be home all day. Even if he wasn’t, just an hour of feeling the vibration of his footsteps running back and forth, and other people’s footsteps, cabinets, and doors, will be rough enough, but it’s worth it. At least the doors aren’t right smack next to each other like the studio doors were at the Vista. The only thing I wish was that the bedroom was in the back, but that seems to be how it is in most cases. They put the bedroom in the front. At least a car can’t get closer than about 20’-30’ to the windows, rather than 3’.

The guy said there’s concrete between the floors. That’s what Crystal Creek told me, but look how well I could hear those below me and how well they could hear me. Steve, the warped security guard there, told me he could hear every key I’d hit on my electric typewriter.

At least this time around I’ve got things to help me get through this upcoming noisy ordeal that I didn’t have before - a great guy like Tom, the fan, the cordless headphones, the sound machine, the fact that it won’t be longer than a few months, and the fact that I can keep a schedule!

The place is square-shaped, and it’s about 450-500 square feet. Their pictures online made it look bigger than it really is. I’ll be able to give better detail once I’m there, but it has one door opening into the living room that has a hideaway bed in the couch, and a mini entertainment center. The kitchen has a bar area with a stool for eating at, and it’s stocked with the bare necessities. It even has a toaster and a coffeemaker. There’s no dishwasher, but at least I can have the animals. It has a big walk-in closet, a little closet of shelves, the bedroom has a long dresser and night tables, and a nicer bathroom than what we’ve got here cuz it has some counter space. The bedroom had two twin beds in it, but he said it’s one of those adjustable things that can be made into a king-size bed, which is what we told him to do.

They have free maid service every week, and we forgot to ask where the laundry room was.

Later...

I was wrong about saying the bedrooms were in front. I lost my bearings in my mind but Tom reminded me that the parking lot is in back by the kitchen and bath. There’s nothing but a strip of grass and a street on the bedroom and living room side. And patios for kids to play and scream on. I’m sure that little boy will be running up and down the thing making the building feel like an earthquake is shaking it. Meanwhile, the mother won’t do shit about it and discipline it, and if that kid leaves while we’re there, something else will rock the building.

At least there are plenty of outlets for being an older place. Scottsdale is an older town, but when I say something out here’s older, it’s pretty damn young compared to something older in New England.

I decided to take only my 6 most favorite dolls and to store the other 12. I’m taking Bailey, Maria, Patrice, Summer Dream, Rapunzel, and Angel. This way, there’s room for any dolls I may get while I’m there.

I don’t remember if the carpet’s plush or that indoor/outdoor kind like I had in Deerfield. I hope it’s plush.

Monday, September 20, 1999

Tom’s cleaning the garage out some more and blowing old oil gravel out with the blower.

Yesterday, we were talking about my singing in the apartment, and Mr. Paranoid was telling me how people in Arizona tend to be noisier the noisier you are. Well, that hasn’t been my experience. Who was being noisy for that little boy to be so noisy? What kind of noise did I dish out to the NHA, to the mad butch at the Vista, to the blacks, and to the Mexicans, to deserve the noise they threw at me? Sorry, but noisy people don’t need excuses. If they’re gonna be noisy, they’re gonna be noisy no matter what.

Anyway, no one’s ever complained yet about my singing, and I’ll tell you one thing for sure - I don’t care. The people out here never cared about their noise, so I don’t care about mine. Until and if I get a complaint about my singing, I shall go about my business as usual. Naturally, I’ll use common sense, though, and I won’t go singing late at night. As for my stereo - I’ll be using headphones for the most part like I do anyway, so there’ll be no problem there.

I was pretty tired yesterday so I took a nap after we came home. It’s been easier to take naps lately, but maybe that’s because I don’t sleep till I’ve had enough sleep and I wake up on my own anymore. I’ve been getting up, tired or not. It’s been a little harder getting up today and yesterday, but tonight, hopefully I’ll fall asleep earlier and catch up.

Tuesday, September 21, 1999

At Tom’s suggestion, I took today off as far as getting up when the alarm went off and I got caught up on my sleep. I would’ve been fine if I’d stayed asleep last night the first time I fell asleep. I did fall asleep earlier, at 8:00, but then I woke up to pee at 10:30, was tight, and couldn’t get back to sleep till 1:00. Anyway, I was so tired that I slept straight through from 1:00 to 11:45 this morning.

I’ve been a little tight due to the mix of emotions. I’m psyched to get out of here, but I’m nervous about the apartment, hotel, whatever you want to call it. He says it won’t be noisy, but I know better. It’ll be noisy when I get there, just because I’m there. I got my new inhaler, which is called Flovent and is supposed to be just like Vanceril, so that should kick in soon.

He got the PO Box today.

Tomorrow, they’re gonna be doing a termite inspection at 9:00, so I’ll be wicked tired tomorrow. I won’t get to sleep till 4:00-6:00 and will have to get up at 8:00. Tom said he’d get me up with a doggie mug (a regular cup of caffeine coffee). How sweet.

I went online to check out that JBS dolls store. The one that’s really a distributor in Kingman and not a store in Phoenix. They should be opening the doll store they said was to open in Mesa in about ten days. I found one site and it started by loading a picture of a gorgeous Indian doll, but then it’d crash. It fucking figures, too. I have such shit doll luck! I’m still not sure if I’m gonna get dolls from stores, online, from the home shopping channel, or from Ashton-Drake. They may still not have Sekarina on the home shopping channel, and who knows when Marisa, the doll I found online, will be back in stock again. There’s a New Jersey number we can call to try to find out.

I really believe, though, that something’s trying to tell me - no, you cannot get a doll from a store this time around. First the mall store changed for the worse, then the wild goose chase, and now I can’t get into this site. And this JBS doll store is totally me. So, I’m just gonna call it quits as far as store-bought dolls go, and just order the 5 Ashton-Drake dolls I’ve picked out, and Chyna, and hope I can get Sekarina and Marisa, too.

I changed my mail controls so anyone can email me, and I emailed the people handling Marisa and asked if they could tell me when she’ll be back in stock.

Later...

That was fast! I was told they couldn’t anticipate when they’ll start deliveries again, cuz they’re moving their warehouse. It fucking figures! So now I can’t get Marisa either, cuz if she doesn’t know when they’ll be delivering again, it’s not going to be for a long time. Shit! Now I may not be able to get the top two dolls I picked out.

Saturday, September 25, 1999

The Siesta Suites…

Talk about having a ton of writing to catch up on! It may not be easy, though, cuz right now the apartment’s as noisy as I predicted it’d be. Let me back up and go in order of events first before I get to the current stuff.

We spent most of Wednesday and Thursday loading up the crate. The 40-something-year-old cock with the gold car came in as we were having the crate delivered, accompanied by some bitch. I don’t think it was Deb, though. The hair looked too light. Maybe it was Fanny or someone else I’ve never seen before.

Goodwill won’t take our old furniture. They won’t take anything old or broken. That’s ridiculous! I mean, what do you expect for hand-me-outs? Brand new stuff? I don’t think so!

Late afternoon on Wednesday we stopped at Wal-Mart before going to Steven’s. I got a $16, 17”, blue-eyed, blond-haired doll. Her hair is really long, too. Nearly to her ankles. It’s straight. She wears a deep purple dress with white lace. I can’t believe she and Ashley cost about $30 while Anne and Edie cost nearly $80! Anne and Edie aren’t quite as nice either, and they’re the same size. Anyway, I put her in the box she came in, along with Angel. There was room to squeeze her in there too, and I’m gonna store both of them. The only dolls I have here are Bailey, Maria, Rapunzel, Patrice, and Summer Dream.

I named Meagan myself cuz she didn’t come with a name. In her box was a card asking for doll info which I filled out. They asked what I named the doll, how many dolls I had, where I got them, what my favorite hair and eye color were, etc.

When I was doing Bailey’s hair, which had gotten all messed up, her rubber bands crumbled to pieces, so I just left her hair down but saved her ribbons.

I’m hoping to order Sekarina and Chyna, or at least just Chyna if they still don’t have Sekarina, next Thursday. That’s about when we should know more about what’s going on with the house and what the money situation will be like.

I discovered a doll store nearby where we are right now in Scottsdale, which I sometimes call Snottsdale, and I may check it out. I figured that I’d first try to get Sekarina, Chyna, and Marisa, then check out stores, then raid Ashton-Drake with any leftover money.

Later...

After I got Meagan, we went to Steven’s, and what a house! It’s beautiful! Very different from what we’re getting. It’d be perfect for me if I was single, but again, the houses were just too damn close. You could hear his neighbor’s dogs, people shouting on the street, etc. The house was cool looking, though, and very modern. I loved the plush champagne pink carpet and decided to get that instead of the sculptured spice carpet, which was nice, but quite dark. This carpet’s more expensive, but it’s better and just so gorgeous. Just what I always envisioned color-wise.

It gets even better, though. He had one of those trees that’s about 6’ tall with beautiful pink flowers that I’ve always wanted. Well, he saved me over $100 of decoration expenses cuz he gave it to me!!! I couldn’t believe I got my dream flower tree for free! He gave it to me saying his kittens tear it up.

I was right about suspecting he’s gay. Hilda, his assistant, is at least 50 years old, but Tommy, the guy living there and helping him with his work, was definitely his boyfriend. So, between that, the pink carpet, and the pink flower tree, it was more than obvious.

Anyway, we have to go back to his house again, cuz he needs to find prices on some of the options, like my wanting to get two linen cabinets instead of two sinks in the master bath. This isn’t a regular option, so it’ll take some checking into.

Yesterday’s packing last-minute things, making trips over here, and fighting with traffic was very stressful. We were both pretty tense, and I nearly beat the shit out of a cock for pulling out and hitting us in Jack-n-the-Box’s parking lot. He barely tapped us, though, and the car was fine, but boy is that cock lucky! I was so close to just jumping out of the car and totally attacking him.

So, after we made two trips over here, we called it quits (the first trip here he forgot how to get here, and I of all people, was the one who remembered the streets and guided him, believe it or not!). They’re not picking up the crate till Monday, so he’s over there now finishing the packing of the crate and hauling out old furniture to the alley. We’re surprised we don’t have a scheduled walk-through. I mean, doesn’t he have to give them the keys on Monday?

I was going to mail the letters that are in regular envelopes myself by bringing them to the office, but instead of doing that today, I’m going to do it Monday. I want to make sure that house is legally out of our hands first and that the phone’s disconnected like it’s supposed to be on Monday. I once received mail on a Monday that had been mailed out from the east on a Saturday. That’s why I don’t want to mail anything out today. There’s always that slight chance they could get their mail Monday and contact us about it if there’s any delay with the phone and the house. I’ll have five envelopes and two postcards. One of the postcards is the first of two tests I’m going to do to see how well the forwarding works. I addressed this postcard to Tom to see if it gets to the PO Box in Tempe we opened up with no problems. Then, just shy of a year from moving, I’ll send another card to see if he gets it. The other postcard will be to Larry. There’ll be two envelopes to Dureen and Art, and two to the city giving them the final piece of my mind on lazy bums like next door and the ones before it. I’m using two different city addresses. Also, there’ll be an envelope with my final thoughts on the collies and their barking I had to listen to pretty damn consistently for six years. It’s over, though! It’s finally over! Never again will I have to hear those beasts!

I will have six manila envelopes - two for the black bitch, one for the Mexicans, then one for Tammy, Larry, and Andy.

Later...

It is extremely noisy here just as I knew it’d be, but so far, it seems to only be during the daytime. I did, believe it or not, sleep from 11 PM-7:30 AM. I woke up a few times, but it was just because. Not due to noise. Not yet, anyway. There’s definitely no way I could sleep during the day here. It’s just too noisy, and thank God I changed my wake-up time from 8:30 to 7:30, cuz at about 8:00 is when all the banging, slamming, and outside work starts. Last night, all we heard were a few subtle bangs from below, next door, or wherever, but nothing major.

I was right on another thing too - there are blacks next door to me. What else is new, huh? I’m a magnet for them. However, this girl, who was sitting out front when I came up here, seemed much nicer than a certain bitch I used to know once upon a time in Phoenix. She smiled at me and I smiled back.

I’m glad the people at the end of this strip on the bottom aren’t next to us. Huge Mexican family.

Tom, who got up before me, said it was a ghost town, but right after he left, they were making quite a racket when painting the back wall of the building. There are single-paned windows here too, so you can imagine just how well I could hear the clanking of their ladders, their shouting to one another, and the music they were blaring. They nearly smashed the kitchen window when they were covering it to paint around it. I couldn’t believe management would allow such noise and chaos around here early on a Saturday, but then again I can. It’s quiet here, my ass! I knew that cock was full of shit! Maybe it is, though. When I’m not here. If they’re doing all this shit on a Saturday, I hate to see what the regular work week will be like!

Then, after about an hour of listening to them paint, a tremendously loud car stereo rocked the building, but I couldn’t say if it was driving by the complex or if it lived here.

Then the blacks next door got into a fight. At first I thought they were laughing their asses off about something, and I could be wrong, but I think they may’ve been arguing instead, and I could hear shit being slammed and thrown. I’m not sure how many people are next door or who or what they are, but according to Tom, a black woman was babysitting the white boy next door last week when we checked the place out. I only saw the boy, not the black. I have no idea yet what’s on the other side of us or what’s down below us and I don’t care as long as they leave me alone.

Then I heard a sound that I thought was a lawnmower. Then I thought it was next door getting their place vacuumed, but then I said - wait a minute. No vacuum’s that loud, and why all the banging and slamming just to vacuum? So then I heard knocking and I opened the front door to find some cock sanding and hammering the railing in preparation to paint it. Meanwhile, the railing looked fine. It doesn’t even need to be painted.

What is it with Arizona apartments always having to have some big project going on, huh? If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. They’ve always got to have something going on. As soon as they finish painting, they’ll start some other loud, long, major project. I’m sure they’ll be up on the roof next.

Later...

Tom called from the house. He said everything won’t fit in the crate. I told him so. So, he’s getting a mini storage thing also.

He’s gonna haul out the old furniture to the back of the garage and put a “free” sign on it, which I hope won’t be all the more obvious of a sign to the local bums that the house is vacant. If he has any trouble hauling it, he’ll have me go back with him tomorrow to help.

As fate would have it, and it fucking figures too, and I just knew this would happen within days of moving, Dureen called looking for sympathy. She never left a message, though. This just goes to show just how desperate she is to get me back into the same old vicious cycle I went through with her and her associates for 32 years. Well, it’s not gonna happen. They’ll get my letters, then some pictures of Tom, the animals, dolls, and the new house, and that’s it. There’s also one picture of me before and after cutting my hair.

This is the second time she’s called to leave their number for show, hoping I’d be dumb enough to be snared into her trap again. It’s only been four months since her last call, too. I suppose Tammy’s gonna try next. God, just have her wait two more days! Just two more days!

Also, Tom says that they’ll paint everything, whether it needs it or not, cuz there’s no sense in them hiring painters to do the building, then come back and do the railings a few months later. Whatever. All I know is that it’s gonna be one thing after another here, and I’m really damn lucky I finally figured out how to keep a schedule. Thank you, God, for that much! I just hope nothing fucks it up.

Monday, I’m going to send the message I’ve been planning to send Marla, explaining why I felt it was best to walk away from Andy.

I also decided to go ahead, after all, and end my ties with Kim simply because there’s nothing we can really offer each other. She can’t go anywhere alone. She has to bring her current boyfriend out to visit, her friend, and her friend’s friend too, and I don’t need it or want it. I’d want to visit with her. Not her and three other people I don’t even know. I also don’t have any intentions of ever going back to where she is, so what’s the use of being friends? There’s really no point and I can’t be much of a friend to her or offer her much of anything.

I like how the computer’s set up so I can go online without having to string wires. There’s no switchboard here either, by the way. We have a regular number here.

Later...

They’re still painting the railings, but at least it’s not as loud as the sanding was. I wonder how many more days of this painting shit there’ll be. Well, it doesn’t matter. As soon as this is done, it’s off to something else.

I took pictures of the apartment, which I’ll get into describing after I give my back a break. It aches like hell.

Later...

Still a steady stream of bumps and bangs throughout the building. I don’t think it’s all coming from the painters. In fact, they may be done for the day. It’s coming from the surrounding apartments. A black kid and a white kid were screaming outside the door for a few minutes playing, and I’m sure kids will be zipping up and down the patio on and off while we’re here.

Earlier I brewed tea in their coffeemaker, and now I’m making a TV dinner in their little wimpy microwave. Haven’t used their toaster yet.

Later...

We’re scheduled for maid service on 10/6. I’ll hide the dolls in the closet at that time, cuz you just never do know. And all my dolls will be here then, except for maybe Ciara. Tom’s bringing them over. It’ll be nice to have them here.

In our second phone call, I told him about my feelings about having the house look too obviously vacant to everyone in Phoenix if he put the “free” sign out by the furniture, which he agreed to. He says he’s got the furniture pretty much gathered up in back, so tomorrow he can just drag it to the alley. That’s where I said it should go all along, and I tell you, it’ll be gone in no time. If the freeloaders don’t help themselves, someone else will.

The layout of this apartment is nice, but the noise and some other things aren’t worth its cost.

The carpet is really dumpy and is as hard as concrete. Thank God for my exercise mat or else I wouldn’t be able to sit in the yoga-style position I like to sit in when listening to music. It’s a brownish color in the living room and a dark blue-gray color in the bedroom.

The white, porcelain sinks are peeling, and the tub’s got brown water stains on it. The water itself was brown for the first minute I had it on to shower with. Also, some of the white towels are stained, and the bathroom’s only outlet is way up where the lights are. So, we’ve got the toothbrushes charging in the kitchen. Still, the bathroom’s way nicer than what we had in Phoenix.

I was surprised to find a comforter on the bed, rather than a regular blanket.

The bathroom, little hallway, and kitchen have vinyl flooring with squares of whites, light grays, and light blues.

There’s a pink and white curtain in the frosted bathroom window, horizontal blinds in the kitchen, and dark teal drapes in the bedroom and living room windows. The living room window’s huge. It’s about 8’ wide and goes from the floor to the ceiling. I keep the drapes drawn, though, cuz it helps a little bit with sound, and it blocks too much sun and light from coming in here. I also like my privacy and don’t care to see the constant stream of people walking by.

The exterior walls and walls in between apartments are of brick and the rest is a regular smooth wall. Everything that’s not part of the floor, carpet, or drapes is white. The walls are white, the counters and cabinets are white, and so are the appliances. But it’s bright and cheerful compared to the dull browns, golds, and oranges in Phoenix.

At night the bedroom is so lit up due to the light outside that I can almost read my CD titles.

So they say that their animal policy is that you have to remove any noisy animal within two hours, and if you don’t, you’re immediately evicted, but I don’t buy it. I’m sure people with barking dogs could get away with it for a while and that it’d take several people complaining before any action was taken.

According to their inventory list, the linens consist of 3 bath towels, 2 hand towels, 3 washcloths, 2 pillowcases, 1 bottom sheet per bed (I don’t know if the hide-away bed in the couch is made up), 1 top sheet per bed, 1 kitchen towel, 2 rolls toilet paper (only provided during a maid service).

Also, 1 saucepan, 1 frying pan, 4 plates, 4 coffee cups, 4 saucers, 4 cereal bowls, 4 water glasses, 4 juice glasses, 4 forks, 4 knives, 4 spoons, 1 cutting knife, 1 large spoon, 1 spatula, 1 can opener, 1 dish rack, 1 mixing bowl, 1 shower curtain, 1 bathroom curtain, 1 dustpan, 1 broom, 2 ice cube trays, 2 garbage cans, 2 pillows, 1 mattress pad per bed, 1 blanket per bed, 1 bedspread per bed. These last two make no sense. They don’t give you a blanket and a bedspread, you get a fitted sheet, a cover sheet, and a comforter. Also, there’s 1 ice cube tray, not 2.

Lastly, you get 1 TV, 1 cable box, 1 remote control, 1 microwave, 1 coffeemaker, 1 toaster, and 1 refrigerator/freezer.

I’ve finally managed to write just over four pages during all the commotion today, and now I’m fighting to stay awake. I had a bad allergy attack, so I had to take Benadryl.

Later...

I’m still pretty groggy, but managing to stay awake.

The thing I like about the layout is that the kitchen is further away from the bedroom, and the bedrooms are back to back. Meaning, to each side of every bedroom, is your living room and someone else’s bedroom. If someone’s kitchen was behind the bedroom wall, then all the bumps and banging of cabinets and shit like that would be much louder. It’s definitely louder in the living room/kitchen side of the apartment, versus the bedroom/bath side. I also like how you can’t see into the living room from the bedroom. In Phoenix, I felt like the living room and bedroom were almost connected.

I like the storage in here. There’s not only a good-sized closet in the bedroom, but a walk-in closet, plus a little closet with shelves in between the kitchen and bathroom.

There’s a big square pillar-like thing with a couple of cabinets in it by the eating counter where the computer is. The shorter cabinet up top has phonebooks in it, and the longer one below it has a broom and a dustpan. This is where I’m storing our boxes.

Due to the extra counter space in the bathroom, and not needing all the bath stuff in such a short time, I only put things on the counter, the two cabinets below the sink, and one of the four little drawers.

There’s a full-length mirror on the bathroom and bedroom doors, as well as a large one over the bedroom dresser.

For furniture, there’s a long dresser in the bedroom with two chairs on the ends and a lamp on this dresser. There are two little wall lamps above the bed and one night table (the lamps have fluorescent bulbs). There are three chairs and a stool in the living room and three small tables. One’s at either side of the couch and one’s in front of it. There’s also a computer desk, which the TV’s on.

While we’re here, we’ll both be using my computer. We didn’t bring the scanner.

Tom wanted some type of countdown for the month we paid for here, so I made a screensaver countdown. I can’t believe we paid so much money for all this banging! This is almost as bad as the NHA, but that’s apartment living in Arizona for you. So, we have at least 29 days to bump and bang here, then we’ll go do it somewhere else, stay here, or pitch a tent or a trailer on the land. Come October 7th, it’s ours to do what we want.

Sunday, September 26, 1999

Yesterday my allergies were going off for hours and I thought I had a touch of a cold. I still felt like a cold was just starting when I awoke, but my body quickly rejected it. It’s like I’ve become the opposite of how I was in Springfield. Instead of always being sick, I hardly ever get sick.

Last night I only woke up twice. Once cuz I was thirsty, and then just because. But when I got up at 7:30, I didn’t feel well-rested at all. In fact, I laid down for a couple more hours and almost fell back asleep.

Tom says he thinks my alarm may’ve woken up next door, cuz as soon as the alarm went off, he heard water running. I don’t give a shit if it did, but water has been running all day, and downstairs has been banging around since I’ve been up. Someone’s been running water for a minute or so every few minutes. What could someone want with so much water? I can’t always tell which direction sounds are coming from, but so far, it seems I’ve heard downstairs mostly. And maybe a little bit on the bedroom side, but not the blacks on the living room side yet.

After Tom went to dump our trash, he said there were only two machines in the laundry room. That sucks. We’ll be going to a Laundromat for sure, cuz those two machines will no doubt always be in use. He also said they were painting again. On a Sunday?! Well, I haven’t heard them. Except for people bopping around in the building, I haven’t heard any outdoor noise yet.

At around 11:00, an hour after Tom headed for the Phoenix house, I went to the pool. The water looked fine and it wasn’t as cold as I thought it’d be. There was a very nice woman with a 5-year-old girl and girl/boy twins at 3 years of age. She really seemed like one of those rare kinds that we need more of. She was polite and seemed to be a great mother. She doesn’t let her kids go off on wild tangents. She’d discipline them and tell them not to splash when they’d start splashing. She’d tell them to quiet down too, when they got too loud. It’s nice to see considerate people for a change.

I was there for about ten minutes and we basically talked about the apartments. She and her family will be here for a week. They’re on the first floor, she says, cuz the kids would drive anyone that was below them crazy. Again, it’s nice to know there are some parents out there who consider things like this. These walls are really no different than what you’d find for interior walls in a house, and they’re really no different than the Vista and Crystal Creek. I knew the guy was full of shit when he said they were close to soundproof. They’re not even close.

Our old couch is already gone. He called from the house saying he had gotten it up against the block wall in the alley and by the time he returned with something else, it was already gone. I told him not to worry about overcrowding the alley, cuz virtually everything will be gone in no time. He says he doubts it, but I think the Mexicans took it. If they really do know we’re moving then they’re probably watching to see what they can get. You know they don’t want to work for and earn anything. Also, judging by the speed it was gone and by the fact that at least two people had to be nearby to whisk it away that fast, I’d say it was them. Lastly, I didn’t see any couch in their living room when I was at their door bitching about those two little cocks in the white car the day we talked. It’s kind of a funny thought. I mean, do they know just how many conversations I’ve had about them while on that couch? If only they knew!

It’s subsided for now, but the banging had really picked up for a few minutes there, but due to my position in the apartment, I couldn’t say for sure if it was downstairs or the blacks.

Later...

How weird! Someone’s been running water for about ten seconds to a minute every two minutes. They’ve been doing this for hours. What would someone need with all that water?

There’s still a fairly regular stream of banging and most of it is definitely downstairs. I had gotten a vision of just a guy being down there, but that can’t be the case. Most normal adults wouldn’t make that much noise, except for those deliberately trying to make their neighbors’ lives hell. There’s got to be kids down there making all that racket.

The question is - will these people go to school/work starting tomorrow? Somehow I doubt it. I think most of these kids surrounding our apartment are too young for that and they, or someone, will be home all day bopping around. Anyone below or next to us will be home, I’m sure. God will see to it. As long as I can keep my schedule and it stays quiet at night.

I think I forgot to mention this, but about a week ago Andy got fired. Hey, what a surprise, huh? First he said he lost his job, then he said he didn’t like it. What really happened was that he made them fire him. He’s one hell of a fire freak, that’s for sure! What’s he gonna do when he’s too old to work? I mean, he’s not gonna have shit pension-wise, and since God doesn’t love him as much as he thinks he does, he’s gonna really be in for a surprise when he sees that his so-called buddy God doesn’t take care of him in ways he expects him to.

Later...

The banging has gotten to be less steady. It’s now down to coming in spurts.

I guess Tom will be home soon. I hope so, cuz we still have to go to the grocery store and he has to work tonight.

For now, I’m pretty damn bored and I don’t think I can concentrate on reading or working on my story. I may not get to those things until we get to the house.

I do intend to work on Giselle when she gets here to make her look different from Liselle. I might add beads to the skirt of her dress.

No more calls from Dureen. I’m not surprised. The idea was for me to see the number and decide whether or not to return the call. Well, that decision was made over a year ago. What happened in the past is done and over with and it’s in the past. I just want it to stay that way and not let history repeat itself.

Later...

Tom just called again saying it’d be another couple of hours and that he wasn’t gonna clean. That’s fine, cuz I think I cleaned the place well enough. If they want it any cleaner, let them do it.

Meanwhile, things are a little quieter around here, but I’m so fucking bored! I could go to the pool, but that’s boring.

Later...

I wish Tom would get in! He has to work tonight and I’m really worried about him. He played hooky both Wednesday and Thursday nights last week, but there are only so many days he can afford to do that. Luckily, though, he has vacation time coming up. A week off just doesn’t seem like enough to get shit done, though. He needs a few months off!

Tomorrow he has to sign the closing papers and take me to Mel’s. I hope he’ll be alright, but with the looks of it, it doesn’t look like he’ll be able to catch up on his sleep till Tuesday.

Blackie and whitey are out front playing football again this evening.

Downstairs shut up for a couple of hours, then decided it was time to start up with the banging again just as I had settled down to read, so I turned the fan on. The fact that most of the downstairs noise is coming from the bedroom also tells me there are kids down there. Wouldn’t an adult hang out in the living room? I think there have been kids playing down there all day and that the bed’s headboard is what’s banging against the wall. Some of the sounds are probably the kids banging dresser drawers, closet drawers, and God knows what else. I’m surprised I don’t hear any voices.

Except for a couple of loud car stereos, outside’s been pretty quiet today, but I’ll bet it’ll be quite hectic out there tomorrow with landscapers. I hated that at the other apartments! All in all, noise-wise this place is between the NHA and the two complexes I lived at in Phoenix.

I wonder if Sundays are the main check-out day or if people check out all different days of the week?

I was glad to have my mattress pad back last night, cuz this bed’s hard as a rock.

Food smells from people cooking nearby really seep in here well. I hate food smells, pleasant or not. All they do is make me hungry.

Tuesday, September 28, 1999

Tom’s taking a little nap now, then we’ll be heading out to do some errands. He got the almost $21,000 check today from the house. Speaking of which, we were there yesterday. The house is completely empty save for a little bit of trash on the back patio and some hazardous waste materials in the garage. We didn’t do any more cleaning or vacuuming, either. He let their realtor know of this and he came and got the keys, saying something about the H's having till November 1st to move in. Tom questioned if he heard wrong and he really said October 1st, but it sounds like they’re gonna recarpet and maybe remodel too, before they move in. We know they can afford to. We’ll have to go by there a few years from now and see what it looks like.

Every single piece of furniture he put in the alley, including an old microfiche, was taken. Someone that knew we were moving was no doubt waiting around to see what they could get. I think most of the stuff ended up with the Mexicans, but according to Tom, they may not have been the ones to swipe the couch. I thought he had said he had it up against the block wall in the alley, but he had it by the garage on W. Weldon, and as he pointed out - they never drive by that way. They always go down N. 21 Ave. Well, it’s nice that someone, be it those assholes or not, could use the stuff.

It sure was nice seeing all the rooms empty and echoing. All the wonderful and shitty memories that place holds! Still, that house doesn’t come close to the kinds of shitty memories places back east I’ve lived in hold for me. The worst thing I really had to go through in that house was wanting the kid I couldn’t have, and the sexual games and frustrations, but that’s nothing compared to what I’ve had to endure back east. Besides, I don’t even want a baby anymore, and sex is a very low priority for me and I couldn’t really care less about what happens in bed these days. I’m bored by it all lately.

There was a makeup sample in the front door which I took, containing some foundation and some lipstick. I need to get some kind of a liquid foundation to give myself a smoother complexion. My skin’s so blotchy and because I’m so white, you can see ugly-looking veins in my face.

They disconnected the phone yesterday, but the electricity was still on when we were over there, so I hope they’ve shut that off by now.

We got a cell phone the other day.

Speaking of phones, damn are Larry, Tammy, Dureen and Art going to have huge phone bills on Thursday! That’s when Larry, Dureen and Art should receive their mail, and you know they’ll run and call each other about it. Tammy won’t actually get her mail till we get around to sending the manila envelopes out, which he’s making me wait on. Yes, he’s busy, but I still know how much he likes to make me wait on things.

Wednesday, September 29, 1999

I overslept today and didn’t get up till an hour after my alarm was supposed to go off. Thank God that’s all it was. I don’t know why it didn’t go off. It wasn’t set when I checked it, but last night I could’ve sworn it was set.

I didn’t get into my trip to the dentist yet. I gave Tisha the phone number here and our PO Box, and we briefly discussed how we were staying in a short-term rental place while we were having a manufactured home built. Melanie asked me about it, saying she overheard my conversation with Tisha. I told her about it and that I may have to drop her for another ortho. She didn’t comment about that either way, but I tell you, she’d be happy to get rid of me. I always got the impression she didn’t like me much. Good-looking people rarely do, and I guess it’s fair to say I have done enough whining and complaining along the way, that’s for sure!

So, she took me to a room in back I’ve never been in before and the doctor came in a few minutes later and gave me two shots of Novocain. He filled my fillings, then filed my “hill” down. The bottom teeth were sort of uphill towards the right, so I had him file the tops of the left side teeth which were taller, and it looks better.

He also gave me a home fluoride treatment. It’s a tube of toothpaste with fluoride that I brush on as I’d normally brush my teeth after I’ve brushed my teeth with regular toothpaste, then I’m not to rinse it out. It’s to hopefully harden up my enamel. A part of why I could be getting so many cavities is cuz my teeth are too soft.

Later...

Tom got in with the groceries, ate, made some phone calls, beat me by two points at a game of miniature golf on the computer, then went to bed.

They’re still fucking painting and they called a little while ago wanting to paint our door. Tom said he saw them painting the doors purple as he was coming in. He told them today and tomorrow wouldn’t be convenient. They should just fucking wait till we leave. I’m sick of apartments out here! They always have to interfere with your life and have something going on. Why are apartments so obsessed with always having something going on? Do they feel it’ll help them do better business if they appear to always be working on some project? Well, I’m sorry, but they’re not gonna stink our place up with paint fumes and interrupt our lives at $850 a month. If they want to do that shit, they’ll just have to discount us or something.

I guess the people downstairs, but not directly below us, got fed up and didn’t pay up, cuz there’s a note on their door ordering any locksmith from opening the door. They’ll have to get their stuff at the office.

Despite all their activities, the last couple of days have been a little quieter around here. The black lady below us who is pregnant, had cut the banging down to only banging in spurts. She goes in and out but is home for the most part. The blacks next to us are gone, for the most part, thank God, but from about 4:30-6:30, black and white kids are out screaming their lungs out and I stay in the bedroom with the fan. Thank God their living room and patio are not next to the bedroom! There are 3-5 blacks next door who are friends with some white family that either live at the complex or somewhere nearby. The white woman who was out front yesterday talking to the black woman has a husband who’s one of the painters here, according to Tom. The black below us has a van, and I can see it from the bathroom window when it’s here. Nonetheless, see what I mean? Black below me, black next to me, black everywhere! Why oh why can’t I have white neighbors?! I feel like God’s rubbing these Mexicans and blacks into my face and forcing them and their wild lifestyles on me. At least Mexicans can’t afford this place and I think I was wrong when I said that there was a huge Mexican family downstairs. To my amazement, though, I haven’t heard bassy music. Just bangs, screams, and the sanding/painting work.

It’s hard to suddenly undo four years’ worth of damage and just be OK with blacks and Mexicans. It’s like if a woman gets raped - well, she’s not gonna be thrilled with the idea of guys for a while afterward, is she? Getting shit on and abused for no reason whatsoever by a pack of blacks for three years, then by a pack of Mexicans for four months, is not gonna be easily forgotten. It’s just like with the NHA and other people/places that have wronged me. I can’t just spring back and lose my general prejudice toward these people overnight. It’s going to take time. In fact, I may always be uncomfortable around these people for the rest of my life. The damage is done and it may be too late. Again, I wasn’t born a natural racist. I’m only the racist that they made me. However, if a black or Hispanic person is friendly to me, I can be friendly right back.

Tomorrow we’re gonna make a day of it and go out to Casa Grande to pay for the land, as well as check out some stores.

Later...

I should get writing before the late afternoon/early evening banging starts and breaks my concentration.

I’m having mid-cycle spotting again. More so than last month. It’s really weird how I do that a lot these days.

Tom was out at the property the other day and he says it’s big. He said it took him about 200 steps to walk across the property and that it’d probably take me 300 steps. He says you’d be tired after walking along the edge of the property. The bad news, though, is that there are tons of big, slow, black ants that no doubt bite just like the little red fire ants do. That sucks. I was hoping there’d be fewer ants, bees, and spiders out there, but it looks like I hoped wrong.

I trimmed Rapunzel’s hair cuz I thought it looked funny the way it was so overly long and brought it to the hem of her dress. It was too long, past her feet, after all. Especially with her wide-skirted dress. Anne, Edie, Summer Dream, Victoria, Lollipops, and Christina are in the living room, and in the bedroom, I had Patrice, Bailey, Maria, Katie, Ashley, Giselle, Liselle, Mary, and Falling Star. Well, due to all the activity around here, I decided to pack most of the dolls, so now I only have 5 dolls to hide in the closet on maid service day, which will be Patrice, Bailey, Maria, Falling Star, and Summer Dream.

I took pictures of the way the dolls were set up before I packed most of them, including pictures of my teeth with and without the retainers. I’ll make sure Dureen, Art and Tammy get copies of those, along with other pictures I said I intended to send them after we get settled in the house.

Like a lot of businesses, Ashton-Drake’s pretty pushy. They send envelopes with ads for just one doll at a time, with little posters of the dolls, so I started saving them and maybe I’ll make a little doll poster wall after I’ve collected a handful.

It’s definitely true that no two dolls are alike. Not even if they’re the same doll. Giselle and Liselle are of the same mold, of course, but due to the way no two bodies are stuffed alike, they have slightly different poses. Giselle appears to be leaning slightly to the right, while Liselle appears to be leaning slightly to the left.

Later...

It’s getting close to time for next door’s antics. In fact, I can already hear the screaming, so I’ll write later and maybe put my cordless headphones on.

Later...

OK, I’ve got my headphones on so I can’t hear the rude blacks next door on their daily banging spree. They do this mainly around lunchtime and dinnertime.

The time passes way too slowly here. I get bored a lot, and last night I was bored to the point of depression. I worry about if the book-writing doesn’t work out. God, I hope it does, cuz I’ll spend my years dying of sheer boredom after the house is all set up if I don’t have something consistent to do besides my hobbies. No, I still don’t want a kid. I don’t want to be run ragged either and have no life at all.

Yesterday we checked out some shops and found a lot of Indian dolls. The most impressive doll of all who looked a lot like Chyna was $1,200. They had a few adult Indian dolls that were pretty nice and that weren’t too expensive and some baby ones. At first I wasn’t impressed with the baby ones, but then they grew on me. They’re different, and I may get a couple, but not there cuz we can find them cheaper in other places.

I almost bought a $200 redheaded doll that was about 28”, but her outfit was a little too conservative and dull, and one of her eyelashes was screwed up. She just didn’t quite speak to me, although I do hope to have a redhead someday to add to the variety. Tom liked her face, though she didn’t look real at all. I was surprised at how lightweight she was. She had less porcelain than Ciara does.

We also stopped at Denny’s and I got a delicious steak and egg dinner. On our way out, Tom almost won me a stuffed animal. They have these glass cages with stuffed animals, and you get 30 seconds to try to grab one with a claw.

It’s funny, but I find myself wondering about that Mexican girl named Linda who wanted me really bad and whom I had met at the first club I ever danced at. I was living next to Andy and the butch at the Vista at the time, and never had I had a woman pursue me like she did! I had always fantasized about a woman chasing me like that too, but she just scared the shit out of me. I remember other dancers saying she looked hard-core, and she even came in with a few guys. She was extremely persistent, that’s for sure. What I wonder is - just what would have really happened if I’d let her come to my place? Would it have been fun? Or would it have been a nightmare? She just seemed so male, so that’s what scared me. I immediately got the feeling she could be violent or into rough sex, so I followed my gut and never met with her. I’ll still always wonder for the rest of my life if my gut instinct was right about her or not, but I’m sure it was.

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