#wow i can't believe I'm actually posting my own writing

[cobwebinthecorner]

the button is right there guys

i called you over because it's literally impossible to do this on my own

for fuck's sake, someone press it

[99redragons]

Wow, I agonized over this post way too long. Here it is, finally. I was gonna make this a reblog but i think since it's referencing multiple posts (and boy it got super long and added a related theory) this is better on its own. This is furthering @gin-juice-tonic's analysis of the tBoB journal pages. Heavy tBoB spoilers, and warning for the darker content it has. (some swearing too) I'm convinced now they're a warped version of events and downright fake for some, however, I believe many are real.

...But did Ford remember them? "I can delete memories randomly, just for fun. Maybe I already have." I do NOT think Bill could erase everything. He probably can only erase small/recent sections. But this is a big part of my theory.

But first, Gin's points. (using some of your pics for this Gin, hope you dont mind) I'm not going to post every journal page, but I'll give a ref for ones that seem important.

Okay, this is the post that actually convinced me (went through the links from tapas, the first is sure suspicious, but the second has pretty compelling evidence.) Ford referred to Fiddleford as F through the whole of journal 3 (aside from in code), and Bill as his Muse until the reveal, he wouldn't suddenly change the way he refers to people, even if he planned to rip out the pages, in which case, why would you write them in the first place?

On the first link (this one), this appears to be an embellished story. When you look at it from bill's perspective, he's reminiscing. He lies to himself. He's making it seem like Ford and Bill hit it off immediately, and while in a way, they did, it probably wasn't like this. I'll buy Ford used Cipher's line back at him, but the jovial way they banter is just so Bill. Ford would emphasize how he felt, the mysteries he was thinking about, his reverence for his Muse. He probably wouldn't recount it line for line when he was so secretive in journal 3. Bill makes it seem like they were more like equals, when in reality he likely relished the devotion and divine status Ford attributed to him. Also, "Cipher Speaks" is in Bill's handwriting from the sticky notes. could be coincidence? I think not. 'Ford' also describes it as the "GREATEST. DAY. OF MY LIFE." This mirrors bill's earlier statements about the reader's life being forever changed after meeting bill. According to Bill, meeting him is the highest moment of anyone's life, right?

In an additional post, Gin explains how Bill didn't tell Ford he was from another dimension. Ford had to find that out at the betrayal. So, all this taken, those two pages at least are fake.

For the third link, this one, while from Doylist perspective, Alex wanted the book to have fun little callbacks, from Watsonian, Bill simply can't help himself. Bill loves trying to be funny. He's trying to keep the reader hooked, and keeping the story interesting through callbacks is one way to do that. Some of these are Bill, some are self-referential because Bill's talking about real events from the past. (rats, cipherite suit, Small World cassette, we'll get to those later)

Bill has a habit of telling the truth through his lies. What I mean by that is, if he is repeating himself through actions or words, it's probably because there's some truth to it. If he's contradicting himself, there's something he's hiding. He'll claim he has no weaknesses, but later admit he does. He'll say he has no exes, only to reference exes later. So, we can glean truths from the lies he's telling in the pages.

I think Alex is a good enough writer to keep Ford and his writing (mostly) in character. He's made retcons/continuity errors before, but he knows the fandom will pick apart everything and find them, and will have a reason for it. There's definitely some fake pages, which begs the question, which are real?

One detail I want to point out is the vignette/burn marks on the edges of some of the pages. My secondary theory is about these. (And no, it doesn't indicate they were fake.) I'll explain later.

Assumptions/disclaimers: The pages we're shown are roughly chronological, though skip forward where surviving J3 pages would go. Pages aren't realistically double-sided like they would be in J3, these are inserted into tBoB magically. I don't have a blacklight version of J3, so I'm probably missing a little bit of context there. References J3 quite a few times, so this post works best if you are able to reference both books. I can go into detail and post more pictures for any sections that aren't clear.

First off, 'Lost in the woods'. This one I believe is real, because Ford's (author's cipher) codes are in it. This code is consistently used in the book whenever Ford inserts a page, even on the moth. For Bill to use this code would break the established pattern Alex has made. However, I agree with Gin that Bill intentionally placed this page to establish Ford as lonely, and thus make Bill look better for befriending him in contrast. I don't think it's that odd for Ford to talk about his social awkwardness, he talks about his childhood bullying pretty frankly, specifically on a page meant to be an author's About Me. However, he did rip this one out, so I think he was trying to ignore his feelings by hiding this page. No vignette.

'Cipher speaks', as we've discussed, is likely a fake/altered meeting. Vignettes on both pages. On the second page you can see where it looks burnt in one corner, and there's even tear marks like there's a page missing there, perhaps their real first meeting. It's also strange for Ford to draw himself like that.

'My Muse & Me'- Ford refers to Bill as his Muse again. Despite my doubts (I went back and forth on this one), I think this one has to be real. We find on the website computer (code: Fordtramarine) that Ford tried to submit a paper on fordtramarine. In that paper he refers to an 'extradimensional entity' and 'two-dimensional'. He shouldn't know that Bill is interdimensional at this point, so Ford must mean 'outside of physical reality', as in, the astral plane. Though, there's a painting of 'a muse' in the paper. Wasn't Bill supposed to be secret? Perhaps he thought he could get away with that small reference? Perhaps this paper was submitted more recently? I don't like the idea that things from the website are also fake, since it would be strange for Bill to have such narrative control there. The website seems to reveal things Bill can't control, even if Bill is talking. This page also establishes more timeline. This is saying that not only could Bill freely move in and out of Ford's mind within a year, he had full access to alter it as well, ahead of their deal before the test. This page is probably to make it seem appealing to let Bill into your mind. It also serves a purpose of showing us Ford had let Bill fully into his mind at this point in the story Bill's weaving. I am curious why would Ford hide this only to submit a paper on it, just to keep his Muse secret? And those damn red triangles, did Bill draw those, implying he could possess Ford before their deal? No burns/vignette. The neighboring pages both have it, why not this one?

June 15th- There is direct dialogue from Bill quoted, however, he refers to Bill as his Muse. Wouldn't Ford be creeped the hell out by the rat thing, and be alarmed that Bill possessed things just to kill them? I think this page was real, but was ripped out by Bill. Heavy vignette.

(Sorry for the poor quality, my phone camera is awful)

At this point I should explain: I think the burn/vignette represents Bill 'burning away' memories/altering them. Ford's memories, but possibly even the reader's. I want to be clear; I don't mean Bill erased the entire memory of the page, I mean Bill erased at least some part of those events. When it's heavy around the edges, heavier manipulation. It also could indicate which ones Bill burned/destroyed. More evidence for this later.

Karaoke page- How did Bill convince Ford to drink with him after the rat thing? Bill made him forget it was Bill. "The rats were his idea?" Yeah, he told you that right away, why did he need to tell you again? While probable this happened, the writing from Ford is sus. "This Bill guy, he's really got it all figured out"? Sounds a bit like Bill talking. The drawing is strangely detailed, too. 'Dancing queen' (disco girl's parody origin) was released in '76, so that lines up time wise, at least. Likely altered/created to make Bill seem friendlier. Either could have destroyed this one if there was a real version. Vignette.

A Voice from the Past spread- He says 'my Muse', but then mentions Bill by name, which indicates it's altered. Is the first bit real, then? Why would Ford rip out this important page revealing his muse's origin and past? His curiosity would overtake wanting to keep it secret, surely? And conversely, why would Bill fabricate it? To make himself seem more sympathetic? However, there is another explanation. There is the possibility Bill erased the memories of this conversation and it really happened in some form. Bill probably realized after revealing this information to Ford it could ruin his plans. Some vignette at the top, mostly on the right page. In that is a drawing of space and a code. The code says 'forget the past." Coincidence, or purposeful on a page for a conversation Bill made Ford forget? Bill could have ripped out the pages (if they existed) himself. It's also important to note Bill is trying to isolate Ford here, which is another reason he'd hide the pages/alter memories of talking about Stanley. Also, if Bill erased the phone number from Ford's mind later, it would make sense why Ford had to send a postcard.

A Winter Break/The Krampus adventure. Where would these pages have gone if they were real? It was January for the test, so it was before the deal, but after the bunker? Gin mentioned it feeling 'off' and strange because it's just Krampus, nothing weird or Gravity Falls-y about it, and I agree. And also, Fidds knocking it out feels... weird. I think that story is fabricated with some real details thrown in. Fidds is noticeably shaken up after, but otherwise the whole story seemed almost whimsical, and just...weird, and not in the GF way. It's fake. Ford goes back inside after looking outside in Time Traveler's Pig. He doesn't come outside onto the porch at all. You could say he comes back out after that, maybe. You could say it's a retcon. But we know the children's footprints were Dipper and Mabel, not random kidnapped kids. (Bill likely wouldn't expect the reader to know this.) My eyes are also drawn to the green and red rectangles. The festive theming bring to mind a Christmas special, and how often are those only partly canon? So, then what's real about it? I believe the gloves, and possibly the snow globe was real, since they come up again later. I believe if there was a monster, Ford (or bill possessing ford 'then-DARKNESS') fought it off, traumatizing Fidds even more. Something made Fidds shaken up. Fidds and Ford probably spent Christmas together. And Bill did warn Ford about Fidds' second thoughts (mentioned in J3). Did Fiddleford notice Ford forgetting things? Did he assume Ford was simply unshaken by what happened? For me what seals the deal is the heavy vignette around those pages. Bill altered his memories of what happened and is telling us this story instead, probably to make it seem not as bad, so Ford wouldn't be so angry that Bill wasn't there/realize that he possessed Ford. I'm also suspicious of the "Trust No One." at the end. Did this phrase really come from Bill? Wouldn't Bill be saying 'Trust me'? To be honest, it's possible the last page here was half a real conversation, but the way Ford suddenly changes his tune is strange AF and I suspect shenanigans for it. And the things Bill says are very different from 'F is not bold enough to follow through.' (J3 code, An Encounter) Also, most of these pages seem to have no reason to be ripped out, aside from mentioning Stan by name/drawing them, but he could have crossed that out, and the last page which Ford would have hidden from Fidds. If they were real in some form, Bill probably destroyed them to hide the truth.

Stanley memories pages- Real, not much to say about those. Goes after Bill's warning. Probably legitimately torn out by Ford since he'd want to keep these pictures before hiding J3. Though I do notice they are covering up a lot of red triangles, perhaps also drawn by Bill. No vignette.

Dream, or warning?- Before Jan. 17th. Real, since I can't see why Bill would make up a warning about himself. He wants the reader to trust him. The heavy vignette, again, indicates he made Ford forget about it and destroyed the pages before he could solve it, which would probably be easy since it was a dream. The laughter+fire at the end indicates Bill discovered them. Just a fun side note: the song referenced is 'Im your puppet'

"I was wrong about everything" spread- I think goes in the gap where the black scribbled out pages are in J3. Again, the Author's cipher is here, indicating these are real. Vignette again. Bill's possessing Ford a lot, trying to erase the idea of fighting back from his mind(unsuccessfully), likely also hiding these pages. More red triangles.

Bill-proof suit- Goes after The Blind Eye- references being banned from the library, Blind eye mentions still researching Bill. J3 said he discovered the chant to enter someone's mind by researching Bill, so he could also find the anti-cipher society and the cassette. Real. Bill likely destroyed these pages and the previous ones to try and slow down Ford and erase his plans to destroy Bill. Vignette.

Zom-bills to Looky Here: After 'Ways to hide', as Zom-bills is written in invisible ink, but before the truck stop. (This would require Ford to have written on the right page first, then Bill tore the rest of these out, but not a huge stretch) Bill is fucking with Ford hard. He's probably taking his anger out on Ford while simultaneously trying to bully and manipulate him like he would do to his henchmaniacs, as he says later. Vignette on most of these- he's constantly possessing Ford and making him black out, trying to manipulate his memory to make him compliant/torture him. Bill likely destroyed the cassette+the memory of it so it couldn't be used against him, as Ford presumably never gets the chance to. Why he's showing the reader this? He thinks it's funny. He could also be hoping to scare the reader, if the reader knows what he's capable of, they'll be more afraid, and fear and love are the same, right? Notably the sticky note page is only a little darkened, probably because Bill genuinely was trying to talk at first. I can't find any evidence that these are fake, but there's no codes indicating they're real either. I think they were real, but Bill destroyed at least some of them.

(Side note: Computer code: Oroborous. Curiously uses Bill's cipher, bill writes in J3 too. These pages are also vignetted. Bill wouldn't like Ford knowing he showed fear. He also purposefully didn't give the reader these 'missing pages', because he hates them and doesn't want to reveal his fear.)

Polaroids- Did Ford destroy this himself like the VHS? Trying to avoid being blamed for things Bill did? Just ashamed/horrified? Curiously, no vignette on the polaroids (this could be just to have the full page visible), or Bill wanted Ford to remember these to have the threat sink in fully. Probably actually happened, Bill doesn't really have a reason to fake these pages as they make him look worse/scarier.

Blackness/'No' pages: This is largely where my theory that vignette=memory manipulation makes the most sense, The darkness overtaking the page represents bill's influence and control, and stops resembling the journal pages much (though it could be invisible ink again). He can mess with Ford's mind as much as he likes. If these pages were ever real, Bill could have destroyed them himself too. Bill's pretty much telling the story here.

Fidds page, S page- Gin made another excellent post pointing out the problems with these. They're a bit redundant when compared to J3, aren't they? And in oddly specific ways. The use of the brother code indicates they're real, though. If Bill erased Ford's memories of these pages, him basically re-writing them makes sense, and also Ford going from 'the caves hold the answer' to 'the caves might hold the answers', the snow going from 'begun to fall' to 'has fallen', and going 'fidds wont speak to me'! instead of 'my assistant has clearly left me'. In some way Ford has probably retained a bit of his plans, but its not a stretch to say he'd loop his train of thought after losing memories. The "I grow maddened" at the edge is very shaky and blurry, which could reflect the shaky and blurry memory.

I also notice (this has probably been pointed out before) now in J3 that only once outside of Gravity Falls (route 14) can Ford plan clearly. Perhaps Cipher's influence is weaker outside the town? It makes sense. if Ford sent the postcard and made his plan while free(ish) of Bill's meddling, that's why Bill couldn't just erase his memory of his plan again.

So...yeah! Some are definitely fake. Some are placed or altered intentionally to serve a narrative. Bill could be manipulating the reader's and ford's memory to have never seen these pages. Some of these memories could have been simply warped, or erased later- not right away. I'll be honest I don't love the implication that Bill can just manipulate Ford's memories freely, so I'm sure there are significant limitations to it. Bill has to stall for the whole book and give away a lot of secrets in order to change the reader's brain enough for him to be satisfied, and even then it's not enough to make the reader give in. Bill's abilities are much less than he purports. He also says that the person can notice his 'tune-ups', so there is only so much he could alter someone's brain before they notice. However, if he's been messing with Ford's head this long, he'd have a big advantage. Is the explanation that Bill erased Ford's memory a little lazy? ...Yeah? But it also kind of heightens how badly Ford was being manipulated and why he got so paranoid and unhinged there. It lets a lot of these puzzle pieces fit together that wouldn't otherwise.

My vignette theory isn't super strong, I'll admit, but I think it definitely indicates something, given some pages don't have it when they could have. They could also simply indicate those pages were burned, though it being on the fake pages makes less sense then. Bill having destroyed the pages himself makes sense for a lot of the pages, but I cant rule out the possibility Ford did destroy some of them out of frustration/shame.

Something I also realized while going through J3 again is how many 'doodles' in J3 involve red triangles. (you can see an example on Frilliam's page) The triangles I assumed were Ford's obsession with Bill, but what if they were Bill's obsession? For another post perhaps.

So, what do y'all think? Ideas? Agree? Disagree? Things I missed? Questions? Something huge that shatters my whole theory? Let me know!

[valle-de-sombra-de-muerte]

Homestuck Reread: Act 4, Part 3/4 (p. 1669-1864)

Read the previous post here.

The second half of Act 4 starts here. And oh fuck no, it's the introduction of Hussie's self-insert.

Yes, it is a terrible idea. This whole bit should've died right here.

Hussie proceeds to recap the entire first year of Homestuck which really is just a big waste of time to read. If you're really lost about what's going on, you should just read all my reread posts up to this point instead! Which... actually isn't ideal because I'm not really writing a comprehensive plot summary here. This series of posts is mostly aimed toward people who are already familiar with Homestuck and have read it before. If you tried showing these to someone who has never read the comic before, they'll likely be confused. Err, fuck it, let's move on!

John is rightfully reluctant to listen to Terezi again. He typically shows resistance to commands only when they might put him in life-threatening danger. And since he finally decides to believe Dave's warnings, this counts as one of those situations.

I forgot to mention this in the last post, but Davesprite and Terezi's conversation was the first time "jegus" is used. Some people seem to think that this is the name of a troll analogue to Jesus, but really it's an in-joke between Dave and Terezi that gradually disseminates through their respective friend groups.

John's adversity shatters and he decides to start listening to Terezi again. It really didn't take much for her to convince him to do this. This is hardly portraying Terezi as some kind of "master manipulator." It's just another instance of John being a gullible moron.

Also, this will be the last conversation between John and Terezi until Act 6. Her conversations with the humans will be exclusively limited to Dave until that point. I guess she wasn't so serious about being John's "pal" after all.

Bro what do you mean you decide to name him? That's Rose's cat. You can't go into someone's house and rename their pets.

I do like that Davesprite immediately points out how dumb it was that John decided to listen to Terezi again.

John is such a massive fucking cunt. He's really going to disrespect the guy who saved his life like that? Even apart from that, that's his best friend, or at least supposedly.

Davesprite's reaction is entirely justified here. He's supplying John with useful info, only to be met with disinterested responses and being told to fuck off in favor of the other Dave. I really think "ok" is John's catchphrase, even moreso than Aradia's. Pretty much every time someone tries to talk to him about the game is met with him going "oh ok" or "wow ok" like some kind of spongehead.

This conversation is notable because Dave's entire persona is centered on being detached, aloof, and "cool" but here Davesprite sounds genuinely pissed. He doesn't even care about maintaining the facade because his "best friend" just revealed he doesn't even see him as a person worth talking to.

Dave thinks he can speak on Davesprite's behalf, which he's definitely not qualified to do. He spent four months living in a pointless reality offshoot with the full knowledge that everything in it is a mistake that needs to be rectified. Rose, the one person he had for company in that timeline, had to be essentially killed in order to fix the timeline. And even if there's still a Rose that currently exists, that single version of Rose he spent all those months together with was still destroyed by his actions. Her blood is on his hands.

All this is to say he's definitely not the same person as current Dave. They may share the same memories and past experiences, but everything Davesprite experienced past the point of divergence is uniquely his. He's his own individual.

That "yeah" right before signing off cuts deep. He is sick of John's shit. Not that I imagine John would notice at all.

Davesprite might be the most tragic character in this godforsaken story. Having Rose's death weighing on his conscious, being forced to mutate himself into a ghostly half-bird monstrosity, letting another version of himself live out the rest of "his" life. He did it all for the sake of making sure his friends have a future to live in, but said friends don't respect him or even like talking to him. To them, he's an extraneous copy of their existing friend. He isn't "real."

And the sad thing is that it's not just his friends who think that. Hussie didn't give a shit about him either. Wouldn't it have been crazy if this conflict was explored and Davesprite was a bigger presence in the story? If he was actually acknowledged as part of the team and the other kids had to learn to stop treating him as "the other Dave"

Well too bad because for one thing, Hussie cannot write convincing conflict. If two characters don't like each other, they simply ignore each other and don't speak. So instead of Davesprite being a ever-present source of awkward tension within the group, he's downgraded to an impotent background character. Tough shit, Orange Dave.

Oh yeah, the less said about Davesprite's ultimate end, the better. What a fucking travesty.

Dave really wants John to snoop around Rose's belongings. The little freak. At least he stops short of asking John to rummage through her underwear drawer.

Technically one of the journals does contain "important game stuff" but Dave doesn't know that. I bet he just wants to know if she wrote about him in her journal.

Dave is putting more effort into invading Rose's privacy than just about anything else prior to this point. Obsessed much?

My god, that "come hither" expression. Things are about to get steamy on Derse.

"Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall" is an amazing Kanaya quote.

Oh look, Sollux's first appearance. He and Kanaya should've talked more. It almost feels like they're co-workers and he's the guy she bugs for IT support. It's a fun dynamic.

Also, I guess Alternia has sex offender registries, which makes no sense. I feel like you'd get straight up killed by the drones for much less.

No I didn't leave this page open while the entirety of "Derse Dreamers" played. That would be silly. Also when I said things were gonna get "steamy" I obviously meant they'd get all sweaty from dancing. Jeez, what'd you think I meant? 😇

Cal is kicked out of the party for being a cockblock.

What are these "shenanigans" Davesprite engaged in to get the hammer from Hephaestus? Fuck if we'll ever find out.

Even though the two kingdoms are fated to fight each other and yadda yadda, there doesn't seem to be much enmity between them. WV is able to unify everyone with little effort.

[S] WV?: Rise Up is certainly a flash that exists. It serves as a follow-up to [S] Jack: Ascend, which I also wasn't really too enthused about. I didn't spend much time talking about it in the last post because I couldn't think of anything to comment about it. Which is strange, because you'd think the big flash to celebrate the comic's one year anniversary, as well as the one that introduces the story's main antagonist, would be a bigger spectacle.

But there's no action, no cool shots like in previous flashes, and ultimately Jack's "ascension" comes from the stupid bunny shit and not from any action on his part. The only real highlight of that flash is the killer tune that is "Black". Apart from that, it pales in comparison to previous flashes in the comic. Much of the same can be said about this one. At least "Skaian Skirmish" is a cool track.

When does this ever have a use? Just like with John, the only point of this whole alchemizing montage is to create a new outfit, computer, and weapon for Rose. The rest of these creations are useless junk.

I mention a new outfit, but the true irony is that the kids' best outfits (John's Vriska jacket, Rose's black dress, Dave's raglan shirt, and Jade's uhh... God Tier dress?) aren't even a part of these montages. For the first three, they're all acquired off-screen and we don't even know the recipes for them.

Trailing right behind Rose's montage, Dave gets his as well. Again, nothing of true value gets made here. These montages feel like Hussie padding out the page count. Seriously, who actually enjoys these parts of the comic?

The alchemiter can potentially create body parts, albeit at an exorbitant cost. Could you imagine if this was actually implemented? If one of the characters lost a limb or something and they got an alchemized replacement?

They could've done that with Vriska or Tavros so they wouldn't have had to use robotic prosthetics. Man, that would've been cool.

I like how this is essentially a "secret" SBaHJ page because it isn't available alongside the others and only appears in Homestuck.

The "most important thing"? My gosh, he really wants to get in her business.

Yes, Rose's story is overly florid, verbose slop, but it feels so similar to Hussie's usual prose when he's trying to be descriptive that I'm not even sure if this story is written to be intentionally pompous or not.

Has Hussie ever tried submitting something for the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, the contest to write the worst possible opening paragraph for a novel? I'd bet he'd win without trying. (If you've never heard of this before, look it up and go to the website to read the winning entries. They're hilarious.)

It is rather sweet that Dave likes the story enough to want to read more of it later, though.

Dave is able to figure out Mom Lalonde's intentions simply because he knows Rose well enough to tell when she's being dramatic. See, Dave doesn't even need to read Rose's journal to discover her true thoughts. He already sees through her well enough already (and she likewise sees through his act just as clearly).

The fact that Rose remembers "some things" about her previous self's existence sounds like something that should be investigated further, instead of being written off so abruptly.

Or is that "ok cool" a defense mechanism on Davesprite's part? Maybe talking to Rose is too painful for him, because she's not "his" Rose. Even if she retains all the memories from the future, she'll still never be the same Rose he left behind.

I really wish this was explored more. Davesprite and Rose never talk again after this conversation and it drives me insane. What if he actually tried pressing further about what she remembers about the timeline, trying to seek out remnants of "his" Rose? He could be trying in vain to reconnect with her, to apologize about leaving her to die, but all that ever happens is that he gets rebuffed.

And Rose might recall the moments she shared with another Dave in another timeline, but stamps them out as she continues to focus on the present and as she grows closer with Kanaya. Perhaps revisiting those memories of the doomed timeline, reliving the loneliness leading up to her demise, are too painful to recall. And Davesprite is a living reminder of them, so she pushes him away to make herself forget.

If only Hussie could write convincing and earnest tragedy. We were utterly robbed.

Dave makes it seem like Jade is the one who's going to freak out about the body. But somehow I doubt the girl who lives with the corpse of her grandfather, along with other taxidermied creatures, on permanent display is going to be fazed by another dead body. Yeah, I'm thinking Dave is the one who doesn't want to keep looking at his own corpse.

Also, I never noticed DD hanging out on the I-beam before. That's a neat detail.

This part of the Act is admittedly fun. Could it be because a lot of it had a healthy focus on Rose and Dave? It's amazing how much nicer the comic is to read when the focus is put on the stronger characters.

Unfortunately I already know that the next few upcoming pages are going to be one of my least favorite parts of the comic, so I'm not terribly looking forward to wrapping up this Act next week...

Read the next post here.

[thetacowrites]

It feels incredible to me that people actually read and enjoy what I write because frankly I'm here like whoop meeeep mooop. Oh nooooo. And it's just me telling an absurd little story.

Like this one here.

And honestly, that was it. I started it while I was listening to Lady Gaga and I was continually up for about a month and a bit more. (I took a break in between for a few days) and I just wrote the story off the top of my head and I still can't believe the numbers it did. Unedited, unbetaed. And I didn't even question where the story was taking me, I just went with it.

But the numbers it's done...

Like... Wow. People really just want a nice story sometimes. They don't care how ridiculous it can be as long as its fun. I try to use this one to remind me not to overthink my writing...

And yeah. I should probably post the second epilogue soon.

Anyway here's the link:

It's very silly. You've been warned.

[ghostinthegallery]

I can't believe The Silence and the Storm is over a year old! The first anniversary was May 27th (yes I missed my own fic's birthday in my defense I was traveling and forgot how time works).

I'm trying to compose my thoughts because this sure feels like a time a blog post would be fitting. However, my engrams are scrambled because...wow do I have too many feelings.

As some background, I've been a writer for a long time. And I've written 3-5 books (depends on how you count "completing" a book but it's 5 full drafts, 3 of which were heavily edited). I wanted to be a trade published writer (still do) and for a while I was feeling good about my chances! I got lucky and received some wonderful professional mentorship (and met one of my best friends during that program!). I took that guidance to query agents (a necessary step for access to most big/medium US publishers). I knew it would be hard and take time but...4 years later all I have to show are a few requests, hundreds of rejections, and one agent who asked me to rewrite my entire book only to reject me anyway (me, bitter? No not at all nooooo).

I'm a creative person and sharing my work feels like sharing a part of myself. Something that is not easy for me to do. After a while I just assumed I was missing something necessary. My work didn't resonate, but I didn't know how to fix it. I’d never reach anyone in the way I so desperately craved, and it was my fault for not being good enough. I felt broken.

During one of many major depressive episodes my spouse bought me a copy of The Infinite and the Divine. That book has changed my life. I was never much of a fanfic writer before. Either I thought the original work was too good and I didn't think I had anything to add or it was too bad so why would I bother with it when I could just go read/watch something better? 40k inspired me though. The ideas are incredible but underutilized enough that I felt like I had something to add.

So I started writing necron fic because why not? There wasn’t enough for me to read, and I needed more robot stories. Maybe I could rediscover my love of the craft, make some friends, make some robots kiss. Distract my mind from the horrors. So I posted a little OC fic and actually got some nice comments. Hey! Positive reinforcement! Hadn't had that in a while.

Emboldened, I continued in the most normal way possible. Going from a 7 chapter OC story to a giant civil war epic including every named necron character I could find with 6 (then 7...then 9) POVs. It was the type of grand space opera I've always wanted to write but never did because I didn’t think I had the skill and it's harder to sell. Luckily AO3 is free. Ain't no playing to the market there!

Now, a 40k necron civil war space opera is...niche. So I wasn't expecting much. I would have been happy with some kudos, some comments. Fan art felt like a pipe dream, but what are writers if not dreamers? The main goal was to enjoy myself. It was low pressure fun, I love the characters, what could go wrong?

Nothing, but I was wholely unprepared for things to go as right as they did. Y’all have been amazing. So many great comments and ideas exchanged, gorgeous art, fun asks, a lot of screaming (it’s fine probably don’t worry). I’ve never had such a strong outpouring of support for my work. It feels incredible. But also sometimes confusing. I’ve trained myself so well to handle rejection that I kind of forgot how to handle acceptance. Especially for something so personal. This is a weird story about undead space robots, there’s a lot of politics, sometimes the robots have sex. It’s got out there head canons, and 99% of the tyranid parts are pulled out of my ass because nobody knows how the space bugs work okay. My weirdness being embraced on this scale is one of the greatest feelings of my life. But it’s also new, and way out of my comfort zone. I’m being seen and adjusting to that.

Still, writing in this space has been one of the most consistently joyful things in my life for…well, over a year now! It’s changed how I view my art. I actually can create stories that touch people and make them feel things. I can take risks and have them pay off. I know not everyone will love this, but some people really seem to love it. That is mind blowing to me.

It’s making me reassess a lot about how I approach my art. Writing and other. I still plan to pursue publication. I want to get paid for my work, but this is making me consider alternate paths that might fit my style (and psyche) better. I don’t know what the future holds, but if you’d told me a year and a half ago that a big part of it would hinge on an AO3 gay robot skeleton space opera…I would have thought you were nuts, but also hoped you were right because that sounds rad as hell.

So in conclusion, thank you all so much for reading <3

[starlightshore]

Gotta say, I love how you made so many posts criticizing people who see Chara as an abuser, yet in your own AU you depict them as a cruel, vindictive bully who tries to turn Asriel's family against her, drives her to suicide, then guilt-trips her into getting back together with them. Yet Asriel is somehow the real abuser because she's mad at them for ruining her life. I am by no means a Chara hater, but that seems a little inconsistent.

// CW: discussions of suicide, long post

wow, what an incredibly uncharitable reading of my work! thank you so much!

okay, jokey-positive aside. i shouldn't respond to bad-faith criticism like this because it's not worth my time as it's unlikely you'll actually hear me out in response. I've been online long enough to know you don't feed the trolls.

but, I'm an optimist at heart and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you're actually upset with me and do want to have a civil conversation and are not just here to spew hate and drag me down.

Ask Fallen Royalty, the tumblr version wasn't handled the best as it was my first attempt at really trying to write this subject matter and I felt I didn't tackle it as well as I could have. that's something I plan on fixing with the rewrite.

that said, I have never called either of the siblings abusers.

they're flawed, mentally unwell and traumatized young adults/teens who are in no way equipped to handle the situation they were put in.

they both did awful things. Asriel packaged their trauma in a sanitized way for profit and sympathy points believing it'd benefit Monsterkind. they did so without asking Chara for permission. Then later, at Christmas, Asriel abandoned their family to go solo ruling. That's shitty! That's objectively really shitty but it's a very understandable reaction.

Asriel is taught that money is what moves the world and they believe they're soulless and a faker. That if anyone were to know their secret they'd hate them. so prevent that hurt, they cut everyone else out.

That's completely why Chara goes from "oh man I miss Asriel I wish I was good enough to have them beside me again ):" to 180 "Actually screw them for leaving me i hate them for this. i don't deserve to wallow in pain waiting for someone who can't even bother to text me back" them cutting of asriel is an understandable reaction for anyone, let alone a teenager! could they have been more gentle? yeah. could they have tried to fix things? yeah! but they're not a villain for not having the emotional maturity or foresight to handle a complex situation like that. they're like, literally 15/16 at this point of the story

chara also wasn't trying to drive people away from asriel? i really don't know what you're referring to with this aside from Chara deciding to tell the (at the time they believed) truth that Asriel is Flowey. At that point, Chara literally thought Asriel was replaced by Flowey. That they were two different people. That's not to isolate them- its to be honest with the family with this huge news. Toriel is shown not to care that her children are flowers, it would have never mattered to her as we see immediately that Chara is a flower and Toriel doesn't care.

chara also didn't drive Asriel to suicide. that's a blatant misread of the text. It's not that Asriel decided to die right after Chara decided to cut them off. and it's NOT like chara handed them a loaded gun or told them to do anything. all they did was say "don't lie to our family and don't talk to me, i don't want to be friends with you."

Asriel didn't decide to die until they felt their weak support system was breaking down. Yun wanted to be with Mew Mew, the Band broke up (Shyren, Napstablook and most recently Mew Mew quit), they made a big stupid movie that they hate (the epitome of their fake narrative on the silver screen), and because they ditched the premiere to check on chara (who was missing) their agents are pissed off.

Mew Mew then talks about how troubled Flowey/Asriel is and how being a secret flower hurt their social life. (The relationship with Flora being a strong example) like, Flowey always sabotages or loses those they care about because everyone else has their own life and they don't open themselves to create connections that last because they're running away. it's the culmination of everything going wrong that drives them to that point.

plus, it's hammered home later in Flowey's introspection that they feel horribly guilty for their actions as Flowey. parading as their perfect King when they secretly killed a majority of mosnterkind and did who knows what else is like. majorly fucked up.

i'm unsure if you forgot or chose to ignore the larger narrative or what's happened, but these things are in the story. they're both messed up individuals who have a hard time communicating their feelings -Chara literally brings up having emotional dysregulation disorder and CPTSD in the epilogue. Asriel's imposter syndrome and-gestures to Flowey) is also a clear indication that they've got some fundamental mental health issues that prevent them from understanding themselves and others.

it's a story about broken people who lash out against each other but ultimately come together in love.

they care so so deeply for each other! they're family. messing up (especially as children, teenagers etc) doesn't mean you shouldn't be written off as disposable. you're ALL capable of fucking up severely but you have the chance to grow and better yourself. you owe it to those who are willing to give that chance to do better. that's what the story has always been about.

I will admit that I plan on working on the pacing and giving chara more sweet moments so it doesn't come across as harsh -I don't want either sibling to be seen as a "villain" or """""abusive"""" as you call them. Except, yeah, Asriel is meant to be seen as an antagonist for a brief while, but that's set up Chara to come to that realization just the same as the audience should.

i hope this helped you understand what i was going for. if you wanna talk further I don't mind, but please talk to me as a real person. we're on the same page that abuse is bad. that people shouldn't treat each other so horribly. i don't excuse either of the character's interactions but i want to show empathy and understanding and that they can grow past that. i sincerely hope we can come to a shared perspective. if you wanna, i'd love to talk about i can make this message more clear, i'd love some proper criticism! i hope you have a lovely day and that you please be more considerate to how you to talk to others as I could have very easily read this anon hate/trolling.

[persefida]

(Wow, that's a long post)

I see so many people who like creating explanations about Hermitcraft/Life series, creating tons of lore and interpret relationships. Especially with Life series, because it's half roleplay server and has a lot of plot and stories potential. Do people remember their previous life? Do they die and reborn? Do they remember each other, do they have scars from previous death? All that lore stuff.

I'm just.. I don't know. I guess I'm not a big fan of more serious roleplay and don't really think about relationships between characters, or the world of Life series itself.

For me it's all just minecraft servers where friends can play and talk and laugh. When I watch Life series, I imagine not characters, but real people. When Scar is talking, I imagine actual irl Scar, sitting on the computer with microphone and talking with his salesman grin. They remember previous seasons and don't think about it as lore, they just remember good times from the past. And after an end of the season they all are in one big group in discord discussing, laughing and talking how they will edit the episode.

Basically, that's the reason, why I animate only funny moments and often draw the irl side of hermits. I would love to draw something more "serious" or create a dramatic amv and be a part of this fandom community, but sadly it's not really my vibe.

In their videos hermits talk a lot about their life and wifes and maybe children.

I remember when Scar wanted to ask something to Xisuma who was afk, Xisuma said, he heard Scar through the headphones across the room. And I imagine actual human Xisuma, his room, microphone, how he rushes through that said room to quickly join the game.

I actually think a lot about irl side of hermits.

I imagine Grian sitting in the living room and doing taxes. Impulse loads the dishwasher. Doc plays with Doccy and teach them about pigeons and sparrows. Joel's in a grocery store decides if he should buy more expensive cheese this time or buy the usual. Mumbo watching videos and procrastinating to go do laundry. Xisuma writes articles about new songs and having a little art block while creating his own music.

I drew irl Grian so many times lol. I really like the irl side of youtubers, they feel more alive.

I don't really know how some hermits (and other people) look, but I still try to imagine them.

So that's why I won't do any lore or angsty animatics. But I still like a lot of AU fanarts, if they are drawn really good or interesting.

So because of all that I feel a little bit outside of the fandom... Like, everyone are having fun, sharing theories, fascinating AUs, drawing cool fanarts for each others. And I'm like.. not into that, I'm sorry. I still want to talk to all of you! I just can't really contribute. So here are my lighthearted funny animatics with 0% angst and where people are nothing more than just good friends on minecraft server.

I believe, people like me don't really watch fanarts or animatics and don't actually know about this whole side of the fandom. I wonder how many of them are here on tumblr ot twitter.

Is there anyone here who thinks the same way?

[gipzisays209]

No way! I feel flattered!!!

Remember what I said before? About the sysmed server not knowing I exist? Well! It appears as though that would now be an incorrect statement! (More under the cut)

Let's go at this like it's English class, shall we? Dissect this post for it's contents?

"If you get this server taken down, we'll just make another server. ... If it comes to that, we'll just share the links in private GCs ..."

Well. Ain't that a kick in the head! If one server gets taken down, it's entirely possible to take another one down for the exact same reason! And saying you'll only hand out links privately... hate to break it to ya, but I, the host, am a Theatre kid. Acting is a hobby, and one I'm damn good at. You hand out links privately, only to people you deem trustworthy? Honey, that is my forte. ;)

"You're getting mad and defensive over us calling you out ... Instead of wasting your time reporting our server, maybe focus your energy on reporting servers that are actually harming people?"

Whoa, slow down there, hoss. Take a breather. You ever thought about why we're here? In your Discord? Taking screenshots and leaking them?

It's because, surprise surprise, fakeclaiming is harmful. It doesn't matter what it is, if you're getting fakeclaimed over a unique and individual experience/identity, that can (and sometimes will, sadly) cause a spiral that can lead to some nasty places. Depression. Isolation.

Even places like self-harm and suicide.

We are here because your server is harmful. We are here because you present an active threat to the community. But of course your HIGHNESS can't bear to think they're the problem!

"Addressing the ban claims, at one point we did ban a lot of faker systems from our server while rooting out a mole. Everyone from that event has since been unbanned. If you are still banned, its for a reason. Claims of us 'banning just because we can' are false. I could take a screenshot of our ban list and give a reason for every single one."

*Sips cup*

Yeah, I think we can move on from this one.

And now, the quote I've been so desperately wanting to address...

"Gip, because I know you’re in here, kindly stop sucking Ghost’s dick and get your own opinions, it would do everyone good. That goes for all of his little zombie followers. If your lives revolve around people on an online messaging app screwing around, re-evaluate your life choices."

Wow, where do I start with this one?

Blatant misgendering, bordeline going against their own rules when it comes to naming people on the server- I have 20 followers! And even then, you're still going to drop a version of my username? Just like that? Mmmmm...

I have my own opinions, thanks. I don't need a circlejerk discord to make me feel better about my own shitty fucking existence, cuz I have the balls to outright admit I'm a petty asshole with no fucking life. And my opinion is that people like Sophie, people like Cambrian and Lunastas and Guardian- all of them are fucking right. They have all proven they do their goddamn research, they actually give back to the communities they inhabit, and most of all, they aren't leeching off of people just by fucking existing, as hard as it is for you guys to believe.

(Also, if you're gonna insult someone, get it fucking right lmfao. Ghost is the goddamn host, Sophie is not Ghost. Two different people. Also, I'm fucking Asexual, so um, projecting much?)

Wow. As of writing this, they literally just got worse!

Well. You see, while I personally choose to censor Discord usernames to close loopholes like this, it's actually not the same as if you sent a Tumblr handle. What you're seeing in those screenshots are not identifiers, they are server nicknames. Which are specific to THAT SERVER ONLY. Unlike places like Tumblr and Twitter, where seeing your name automatically means someone can find you, on Discord it's actually not possible (that I know of) to doxx someone through a server nickname alone. So no, actually, Sophie didn't leave your username out there, only a server nickname, and the two are not the same. So yes, actually. Because Discord is it's own site with it's own way of handling usernames, it is perfectly acceptable what Sophie did (although not perfectly ideal), because nobody is going to be able to use those names alone to doxx and/or harass.

And finally, the final update as of writing this post... the almighty @ everyone ping...

Damn. I don't even have to AP English IV this shit, they already did it for me!

To sum it all up, phew... I guess I'm a target now! Which I'm honestly pretty damn fine with! But just know, I don't fuckin hold back. I will be a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, because I don't care how petty I am. I don't care about what people think of me, or whatever the fuck you could ever do to me.

I care about defending people from the likes of you.

So go on. Give me your best shot, then. You have the balls to call me out in front of your entire Discord server?

Challenge accepted, motherfucker.

Challenge accepted, motherfucker.

Challenge accepted.

Let's get 'em, bitches!

[familyvideostevie]

I saw your requests are open and I simply had to send a request for Steve and Bee Girl! I’d love to see them at the Fun Fair or something equally summery. But anything you want to write is awesome! Thank you for NGAW, it’s such a fantastic series ❤️🐝

wow, how did you know i was writing exactly that already for this poll!! so, here you go my dear. steve and bee girl from no good at waiting go to the county fair | fluff, post-au summer fun, a little suggestive! 1.4k

Steve's been nagging you to go on a date like this ever since you took the kids to the amusement park.

"Come on," he'd say. "I want to let loose at a fair or something without worrying that one of those shitheads is gonna hurl all over a family."

"In the summer, Steve," you'd tell him. "We'll go in the summer."

Well, summer has come. Your life in Hawkins continues to be lovely. The farmer's market has started again and the kids run wild, seemingly growing before your eyes.

But today is about you and Steve. Well, and candles.

"So, you're telling me that this date is actually just a recon mission?" Steve says once you're on the highway. It's a hot day and all of the windows are down, the most recent tape you've made him playing low enough that you can still hear him.

"It's multitasking," you insist. "Bob says that rival farm will be at this county's fair and he wants me to see what their scents are like. And lucky for you, I decided to ask my boyfriend to come along." You lean over to tap his nose with your finger, which he swats at, eyes still on the road.

"Lucky for you, your boyfriend wanted to drive across state lines for some wax," he drones. You blow a raspberry at him and Steve grins, resting his palm on your bare knee. It's honestly too hot to be touching that much but with Steve you never really mind.

You'd left mid-afternoon so you could get to the fair for the cooler evening, and then plan to stay in a motel before heading out tomorrow morning. Your bags are in the backseat of the BMW and it's kind of thrilling to get out of Hawkins, to get away from everyone and everything you see everyday and to just be with Steve.

The drive is calm. You and Steve spend a lot of time together, sure, but there's always someone who needs one or both of you for something. This feels like the first time you can really relax in a while. You chat about nothing important, time flying by as it tends to do in the company of one of the people you love most in the world. Pretty soon he's pulling up to the fair, the sky now a soft pink, the lights bouncing off of the rows of cars in the makeshift grass parking lot.

"Have you ever actually been to one of these before?" he asks you, locking the car and linking your arms. The heat of the day is already fading and he eyes your bare arms but knows better than to suggest a coat. He'll just give you his jacket eventually.

"I think so," you say. "When I was young."

"These things are nuts," he says. "I gotta take you to the Indiana state fair someday. You'll freak." You imagine a younger Steve at one of these, cotton candy all over his face and the lights of the rides he'd be too short to ride reflecting in his eyes. You kiss his cheek, just because.

He doesn't question it. Something you've worked on is vocalizing your feelings but also showing him as much affection as you can stand -- it always makes his cheeks darken and his eyes sparkle.

"I can't believe you haven't taken me already, Harrington," you tease. "Feels like a right of passage."

Steve buys you a handful of tickets at the entrance booth and rolls his eyes. "Honey," he says. "This is our first summer. And I'm not the one working extra shifts."

He doesn't really mean it. You both know you're working extra shifts -- he is too, just starting in the fall -- so you can save up for a place of your own someday. For both of you.

"Anyway," Steve says. "We should make a summer bucket list."

"What, like we're in a teen movie, or something?"

He pulls his arm from yours and slings it around your shoulders, grinning at you. His hair is lighter this time of year, you've noticed, and he's got a nice tan. You met Steve at the beginning of fall and fell in love with him as the days got colder, but you see now that he's made for summer. The season highlights everything about him and he has come alive.

"Exactly like we're in a teen movie."

You laugh as you walk slowly through the fairgrounds, hardly paying attention to anything but the beautiful boy at your side. "Alright. What should we do?"

Steve puts on his thinking face. Bottom lip jutted out, eyebrows raised, head tilting side to side. He counts off on his fingers.

"Skinny dip in the lake, for sure," he says.

"If you're lucky." He winks.

"Do karaoke at that college bar with Robin."

"Oh god," you say, laughing. "I don't think they'll let us back after we tried last time."

"I don't think they'll let you back after last time," he corrects. You wrinkle your nose at him.

"Alright, hotshot, what else?"

"That's all I've got," he sighs. "But I'll workshop it. Right now, I'm going to win you a fish."

"A wha-- Steve, wait!" Your boyfriend charges ahead of you to some kind of water gun game where he can, sure enough, win a fish.

Steve does not win you a fish.

"Can we go find that candle stand now?" he says to you instead of apologizing for the lack of fish in your hands. You don't tease him, though you desperately want to.

Then you see something even better. "No," you tell him. "Because I'm going to win you a stuffed bear."

It's Steve's turn to look incredulous as you stride towards the ring toss.

You do win him a bear.

"Holy shit," he says when you hand it to him. It's purple and has a yellow bow around its neck. "That was kind of hot."

The laughter sputters out of you before you can control it and it makes Steve laugh too. He buys you some fried Oreos as thanks and makes sure to get powdered sugar all over you and then brush it off a little too thoroughly for such a public setting.

You do make it to the candle stand, finally, and the girl working it is so nice that you buy one. "Don't tell Bob," you warn Steve.

The evening is winding down when Steve convinces you to get in line for the Ferris wheel.

"Remember when we frenched in the one in the amusement park in the fall?" he whispers in your ear.

"Oh, do you mean when I sat in your lap and you almost busted your pants--"

He claps a hand over your mouth. "Yeah, guess you do remember." You lick his palm and he grimaces and lets you go. "Gross."

"You love it," he says. Well, what can you say to that?

You climb into the car -- this one isn't enclosed like the last one, more of a bench that sways a little too much for your liking, so there will be no funny business. It goes slow and as you rise you realize how pretty the fair looks against the darkness of the woods around it.

"It's so pretty," you say.

"Sure is," Steve replies. You don't look at him, but you put your hand on top of his where it rests on top of your knee.

"You better not be looking at me as you say that because that's so cheesy."

"Me? Cheesy?" You do look at him and yeah, he's looking at you. He's smiling at you. It's your favorite Steve smile -- it's soft, sincere. Almost disbelieving, like he thinks he's in a dream and he's going to wake up any second. You know how he feels.

The wheel stops and you have a perfect view from the top. "I never thought life could be this perfect," you say softly. "We've come so far."

Steve somehow squeezes closer to you. "We have," he replies. "And we deserve it." He kisses your temple.

"It's just so nice to be happy. To belong." Your throat feels tight and you're not totally sure where this is coming from. It's just another night, right?

"I love belonging with you," he says. It takes your breath away.

"That's so cheesy, Steve," you say thickly.

"I know," he says. He traces the faint scar on your palm. "Still true, bee girl."

You kiss him under a sky full of stars.

thank you for reading <3 reblog, send feedback, masterlist here!

[mariusperkins]

for the writing asks: 2, 10, 28, 33, 41, 42!

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

honestly I think more than what they say about my fics, they accurately represent my need to make my AO3 tags as businesslike as possible lol

10. How do you decide what to write?

It can be a lot of things, I mean, I'm sure we're all familiar with watching an episode of something (or reading a book, or watching a movie, or whatever) and thinking like "well, okay, but what if THIS had happened" or "but what did THIS OTHER CHARACTER think about what happened", but apart from that it can be almost anything - cool fanart (honestly SO much of @wereshrew-admirer's art but most recently for relax we've time to spare (friends at the table)), a character I wish got more screen time (never did run smooth (the artful dodger), Rita Minute: Origins (the penumbra podcast), hand in glove (bridgerton)), a line in an episode (Five Calls Between Thisbe and The Witch In Crystal (friends at the table)), a fan theory that didn't pan out in canon (the long journey through the void of life (fantasy high)), or just plain ol' "can't stop thinking about this thing" ( I'm Not An Angel But At Least I'm A Girl (hello mary lou: prom night 2), Greetings From Nowhere (wish you were here) (lisa frankenstein), Final Girls Club (friday the 13th movie series), social media strategy for the unknown (knives out)) - really, I kind of just write whatever idea I can't stop thinking about. Whenever I get a new idea it goes in it's own google doc with as many notes as I can get down about the idea at the time (with links to whatever inspired it, if it's linkable), and then if it gets fleshed out enough (aka I'm so obsessed with the idea that I start writing it immediately) it goes into the spreadsheet I use to plan out my posting schedule.

28. Does anyone read your fics before you post them? If so, who?

I post too much to put someone through that schedule lol

33. If you write chaptered fics, what’s your ideal chapter length to write? Is it different from your ideal chapter length to read?

This is going to sound very like, horribly algorithmic, but when I'm writing out chapters or a multi-part thing, I try to make it so they're all of about the same length (generally, at least 1k, although if it's something that's multi-chapter it probably means it need the room, so likely around 3-4k). It's less of a like, 'optimising people's calculated reading time' venture capital bullshit and more like, I think it helps my pacing not go totally off the rails or spend more time on one character over another if I'm wanting to do an even-ish pov split.

My ideal length chapter to read is as much as there is written, read multiple times over until the next update (you'd better believe I do this with all of @msharmonycobel's gilded age fics).

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.”

I truly do go back to Reciprocation (merlin) by astolat any time I'm trying to write someone falling in love without knowing it, I feel like this fic does such an incredible job of cluing you into what's actually happening without it ever going out of Arthur's pov. It's funny, it's sexy, it's got heart! Areas of expertise (It) by dudski is another one I return to all the time, it's so funny and light and mostly outsider pov, touching on meta jokes about the It fandom and fandom/how internet culture snowballs (positive) as a whole, and all the voices really shine. And I really should say All the Worlds Between (x-men first class) by manic_intent, a role-swap fic that I would recommend to anyone trying to write role swap fics, it does such a good job of figuring out the points that would need to diverge from canon without it feeling like a complete personality transplant for either character, and figuring out the ways they would still align and fit together.

Also, if it's not to cliche to say since everyone who came within breathing distance of early marvel fandom heard about this fic, but 4 minute window (CA:TWS) by Speranza - if I can write anything that affects someone as profoundly as I feel when I get to the line "I can hold the line at two dogs" I will leave this earth feeling as though I have accomplished all I needed to (I mean, even setting aside the worldbuiling and fleshing out this fic does of canon, the layers it gives everyone inside it, it's the first time in the fic we hear Steve say something hopeful about the future! Something without this ragged edge to it! It lives in my mind and heart every day, rent free).

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

Any comment that I received on Blue Moon (les miserables) during it's literal ten year hiatus between chapters - just the fact that people came across it (or even came back to it!) over the -again- literal ten years that it did not update... it means so much to me. I mean, every comment does, really. I've been doing this for a while but it still kind of blows me away that people want to ready anything I write, let alone more than once. I mean, I like what I write, but I also think the movie Waterworld (1995) is the greatest movie ever made, so I cant trust my judgement.

ask me!

[theomnicode]

How I write metas? A meta about metas

If this deconstruction post is going to be useful for any aspiring meta writer on this OPM fandom that I currently follow, then be my guest. :D

Warning: Semi-long post.

Step 1: Inspiration

Nope, really can't get into my head all the time to write stuff as much as I would love to but when I do, it's because I get a good inspiration from something. It does not really matter at this point if it's short or long, just the subject matters. Then if I get inspired, I will usually stew on that idea for a while and think about the points in the manga that fit.

Unfortunately inspiration does not strike all the time so there's always that. I'm going with the route that "you can't force inspiration to come to you, you want the inspiration to become you" or something like that. Take that with grain of salt, I just made it up on the spot.

Step 2: Practice

I've personally been writing fanfics since I was...a teen I believe and meta is just a subsection of writing school essays, except it's actually fun. So writing something has been quite a lot of work put behind it, but nobody says one cannot start from scratch today and the meta doesn't need to be immediately impressive, we're just writing it for fun yanno? For other fandom peeps who maybe wanna hear our thoughts. Just gotta start from somewhere yanno? My earlier metas are prolly a fair bit different than my current metas.

Like they say, practice makes perfect.

Step 3: The creative process

Ok so to the nitty gritty of the meta making... PLOT NO JUTSU!

I oftentimes either discuss the meta on discord channels with likeminded peeps and then start gathering some images from the manga to use as my images to enhance my point and make my texts also visually interesting to look at and make some clarifying points. I tend to find some good relative image to use as my first image because it'll show up in archive search like so:

It'll be easier to search for my metas even without searching for my tags from my archives if they look similar.

Next, I keep a folder for all my meta images in a neat pile and I use paint ms to cut me nice images to post into my meta and I also have cubari , the one site which hosts all the chapters so far, open where I can just grab images whenever. Basically any kind of image tool you got from paint to gimp to photoshop can help you crop images you want to use if you want to use images in your meta.

My brain can sometimes be pretty hard to follow apparently, so I do try to parse a lot when I write my texts and keep it somewhat coherent. Parsing information via the canon timeline can help form a coherent timeline to follow in a meta.

In general, you want your writing progress to be seamless and disturbance free creative process, not unlike drawing. Sometimes ambient music on the background can help focus on the actual meta writing process (currently listening to Ardenweald from WoW), which can take me from 1 hour to all the way to 5 hours in a single sitting, which is quite long but remember, tumblr drafts saves your progress even if you save it nowhere else and it's entirely possible to finish the thinking process another day when you have more time.

Sometimes I include links to either my own metas or some outside source, which I then briefly quote on my text, like in the Saitama mental health meta where I citate depression effects on memory recollection. The quote sources can also be stated at the very end like in a real essay, but to me personally I'm fine without the citations at the end, long as I state my sources and then put quotes into indented text.

Step 4: The writing itself

Paraphrasing helps make your text look coherent and easier to read to just about anybody, so avoid pure walls of texts. I usually write longer texts, but that is up to the writer to decide how short, long or how abridged they can/wanna make their work, which frankly is not one of my best skillsets lmao. Just gotta make sure to put that warning in the front if it's long post.

Nowdays, I also include chapter names and numbers about the relevant information I'm writing meta about in between () marks and itallics to further separate it from plain text, which might be helpful to people if they search for that specific plot point from the manga itself. Then if it's a particularly long meta, a tl;dr at the bottom if I can form a proper tldr.

Sometimes I also get struck by random thought and I just have to write it out haha. Sometimes I ask for aid and opinions on discord channels.

Any long metas should definitely have that "readmore" cutoff in the beginning, else entirety of tumblr or wherever you'll post the meta will hate you.

Step 5: Revision & Tagging

You can hold on from posting the meta the very same day and just keep it revised for a bit longer if you want to correct spelling mistakes or if you think you can maybe adds some more to it. Revision is just as important in writing meta as in writing something like fanfiction and I personally do a fair bit of both.

When tagging, I just use "opm meta" for all my opm related metas and then tag in fandom and characters that apply to the current meta and then some other related subjects like "mental health, character study" etc. I prolly haven't tagged my earlier metas that properly but eh... if you write on another platform and then copypaste it to tumblr, make sure that the plain text shows properly and doesn't create any weirdness.

Closing thoughts...that's about it folks, that's how I write meta and how I wrote this piece as well. Which took me roughtly 1hr 45mins to write down at my current writing speed but I've been thinking about this since yesterday haha.

Tl;dr: Inspiration, practice, creative process by saving images and thoughts as they go, writing and paraphrasing, revision and tagging properly.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

Hi! Glad you're back! Can I send you a controversial opinion (again, maybe nobody noticed but it definitely feels like I did it before) purely for the reason that it makes for interesting discussion and you totally are a worthy sparring partner...?

So you just reblogged that one post where it said that 'neurodivergent people often thrive in cultures that still have an appreciation for spirituality' and I immediately went like "wow you're so close bestie it's almost like neurodivergency and mental illness are rooted in demonic oppression and every non-Western society knows that as a matter of fact and lives with it." Sorry, sorry, hear me out-

ON ONE HAND, I 100% believe this. I've come into contact with extremely charismatic Christians who are writing books and doing teachings about this, and they are seeing results as they are breaking generational curses and casting out evil spirits. These people are in my immediate vicinity, so I know some who give testimonies of being healed of arthritis, drugs, and generally feeling way more free.

ON THE OTHER HAND, this knowledge is neither creepy to me nor something to specifically seek out, because to me it is a) neutral and b) completely useless to me at this point in time.

Why is it neutral? Because it's something that plagues everybody in some way. Everyone has some sickness, everyone has some extremely bad habits, everyone has a weird tick or quirk, some stronger than others. It's no secret that humanity suffers. Everybody dies of something. So in a way, we've all been living with this shit on the daily forever, so why suddenly be afraid of it just because the term 'demonic' gets slapped on it?

And why is it useless? Because at this point in time, I personally do not feel wise or knowledgeable or confident enough to go ahead and practice this deliverance stuff myself. I barely feel equipped enough to talk about it. It's also not the only way to fight. Being miraculously set free in a single moment is one thing, but breaking habits over time or changing a lifestyle or gradually improving belief systems is just as powerful and we can start with that now.

To give an example of my own life: I was once instantly set free from depression in a Church service while the preacher was speaking about something related. It was like a dark, heavy blanket was suddenly lifted off me and I could breathe again. No one prayed for me. It was like an invisible sword slashed that weight off me.

Then guess what, the depression returned in full force after a while because I hadn't changed anything about my actual lifestyle and I continued to live in the same misery as I had before. And this time, I had to work myself out of it - with sweat, with setbacks, discovering vitamin deficiencies as well as healing from family trauma, a battle that is very won but still occasionally tries to get at me.

So to me, it's about BOTH methods and it's somewhat neutral. There's no need to freak out over charismatic practices. There's also no point in practicing any of it when one does not feel well versed in the laws of the spiritual realm. Yet there is ALSO the possibility of spiritual oppression, curses etc. which would explain what science can't: Hearing voices, Tourette's, certain people dying in every family's generation, for example.

I'm sharing this just to give insights into a personal journey that is far from polished. The things I believe right now are, in essence:

a) Spiritual oppression is fact and it is tied to sin. Doesn't have to be personal sin, could be an ancestor's sin, or someone deliberately cursed an innocent person to do harm (unbelievable, but this happens). If anything, we're still all descendants of Adam & Eve.

b) The effects of popular evangelical preachers casting out demons, which are often called 'esoteric' or 'fake', undoubtedly match biblical deliverance. There is screaming, there is writhing on the ground, there is 'laying down as if he was dead' (Mark 9:26). And there is bowing before the name of God, with bystanders often finding the exorcism extremely unsettling (The Gerasene, Mark 5). Humans responding to deliverance with fear is nothing new. It literally was the same when Jesus himself was doing it in the Bible. So.

c) Knowing that spiritual oppression is real is completely useless when there is no practical application to remedy it, and most of us simply do not dabble in this stuff because of its mystery, it's blind trust requirement, and it's error potential.

d) Habits must still be changed "manually", so to speak. If a beggar in the Bible was healed, he still had to go learn a trade to get out of poverty. A miracle didn't miraculously cure him from being a beggar.

e) I want to learn where to apply spiritual principles and I do believe that the spirit informs the body. However, I want to be that person who heals others in a very casual, easy-going, helpful way, instead of making it weird. This is all still very much in progress.

But to me this is truth, and I think I'd like to give a reminder that the spiritual realm in connection with mental illness can be a thing to ponder. If we suffer from anything, we deserve to be free in Jesus' name. What do you think about this?

okay okay cool I love controversial opinions.

first of all what the hell xD you're telling me the fact that I'm autistic is demon possession? anyway anyway moving on from there -

>could be an ancestor's sin I swear there's a verse to combat that.

anyway, skimming over the rest of this cause there's honestly an enormous amount to unpack here and it's quarter to eleven in the evening and I'm sleepy - but feel free to pull out individual bits to argue about.

what do I think? you might have occasional points scattered through a mound of words.

[reverieaa]

Hi! I'm the same anon as last one who read your 'Change of clothes' (can I be your anon? i'll take any emoji)

So I had a spiritual epiphany which was sparked this morning after going through my notes of states posts (yours as well as @neobora and @remcycl333) and I wanted to share. I think the non-duality concepts finally tied in for me.

This is my epiphany:

I think the true purpose of manifesting as humans is to realise our true selves as infinite beings. To remember & reclaim our limitless power and transcend from the limitations and illusions of the material world we were born into. When you truly understand the law and can practice it well, you are no longer a slave to the material world and its rules. You are unshakeable because you know you are far greater than this temporary shadow. You realised the truth that your reality is whatever you choose it to be, through your awareness. And the process of coming to this realisation, of reclaiming our power, is the awakening & liberation itself. The desire for material things was only the carrot on the stick that led us to learn to manifest, to exercise our power, never the true end goal. The true reward is knowing we are God. We always were and always will be but we needed to remember. And this is how.

Thank you again for your lovely posts. I never thought I'd finally 'get' states but I think I do now. I now read loa posts out of interest & as a reminder of my own power, no longer looking for *the* thing that's finally going to get me what I want. It's always only ever been within me. I can't look outside to fulfill it.

Funny thing is I actually manifested through states a year ago with a few things I didn't care about. I was like 'oh I'll give what I read a try" without any expectations and I realise now I executed it perfectly. The reason I overconsumed, spiralled and couldn't persist when it came to "big" desires is because I was still identifying with the outer man in the material world which falsely believed that it had to work hard to get "big" things it wanted (hence thinking I had to constantly be thinking or doing something about it like doing methods & routines to have it); I hadn't actually realised my true self and true power and identified with it.

Now I know it's accepting that state of being within you, identifying with your inner self (the infinite being) and dismissing the shadow that the 3D is. I also want to credit/give a shoutout to this reddit user Own_Ad7567 who is a shifter as they contributed to my eventual epiphany. I realised shifting is the same essence of what is talked about here, it was very fresh, interesting & eye opening to read about the law framed in yet another way. Their post 'For those who struggle with doubts and focus problems' in particular is really good but all their posts were fun to read! They said:

"Understand that your 3d, or physical reality (basically what you perceive around you) is the least real part of reality. It is just a projection of the 4d. Like a cinema: what happens on the screen is just a projection. If you want to change what's being projected on the screen, dont focus on changing the screen, change the film and the screen is quickly going to be showing something different

I know on loablr the most used analogy was the mirror & face but it never really clicked for me until I read that! And then afterwards I read @neobora's 'Through a different lens' post & it just solidified my understanding.

Wow I'm amazed at how long this post is. Maybe it will help someone else too. Thank you again for your writing all those posts and answering all the asks. I still haven't read most of it but that's just how impactful your posts are. I gained a lot of clarity just from reading a few. I am truly grateful to you, @neobora, @remcycl333, Own_Ad7567 and everyone who shares their understanding of the law. Thank you guys!

You are absolutely amazing, anon! Thank you for your kind and sweet words, and your wisdom. I hope this helps sb put there too and I'm certain that it will. I'm seeing it more and more everyday in this community, despite us having upset and downs. I'm proud that you've finally reached peace in your journey like this, and I'm honored that you let me be part of it, along with the other bloggers

You can be my anon is you wish, I'm not very active here but would it be ok for now if you went by an initial or nickname?

[starshaped-dreamer]

intoxicating (l.dh)

pairing - lee donghyuck (haechan) x GN!reader

genre - fluffy fluff, suggestive?

warnings - makeout scene lmao

w/c - 607

a/n - god the hyuck brainrot is real I have like 8 WIP's which are my attempts of not just writing haechan comfort fics but they just aren't coming out right so I apologise in advance for how many stories I post that are like this.

please request here if you have anything you'd like me to write!

"I still can't believe you didn't get me tickets for your concert." You pout, turning away from him as he tries to give you your kiss hello.

He laughed, tugging your arm. "I didn't know you wanted to go! I would've loved to have you there, but you've got to tell me when you want me to get you tickets."

You finally met his eyes, only to show him your phone. "Well, I'm still blaming you for the fact the only way I can watch it is through the tiktok thirst traps everyone is posting of you."

He smirked, sitting down beside you on the bed. "Oh, so you're jealous, is that the problem?"

"Well, all these people that would kill to have you as their boyfriend got to watch you live while your real partner had to sit at home by themselves. I may be a little bitter."

He raised an eyebrow teasingly. "Wow, you really are jealous. I never thought you'd get so worked up over this. You literally see me 'live' every day."

You playfully smack his shoulder, turning over on the bed to face away from him. "You're being mean."

Haechan laughed, pulling you back towards him. He laid beside you, taking your face in his hands. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'll buy you tickets next time."

Your face lit up excitedly. "To the 127 concert?"

He grinned. "You just want to watch me perform 'Love on the Floor', don't you?"

Now it was your turn to tease. "Actually, I want to watch Johnny perform 'Love on the Floor'."

Haechan gasped, releasing your face from his grasp. "Wow, I didn't think you'd betray me that easily. Maybe you should pay for your own ticket. Or you could even ask Johnny to pay."

You giggled. "Who's jealous now? You know it's only you I want to watch. Please Hyuck?"

He smiled, his hands returning to cup your face. "You're lucky I love you. And you're pretty cute when your jealous."

You smiled in satisfaction, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. Not content as you pulled away, he brought his lips to yours again, deepening the kiss. His tongue swiped your bottom lip for entry, slipping inside your mouth as his hand came to rest against your waist.

Your hands came to rest on his shoulders as he pulled away for a moment, breathless as he pressed kisses to your jawline and collarbone, before returning to your lips.

Time stilled around you, as it always did when you were kissing Haechan. All you could focus on was him, the lingering scent of his shampoo in his hair, the soft, yet thin material of his shirt under your fingertips, the way his hand moved quickly, yet gently from your waist to your hair and to your jaw. Everything about him was intoxicating in the best way possible, and moments like this when you could just get lost in him were your favourite.

He finally pulled away, panting as you both tried to catch your breath. He drew you impossibly close, tucking you under his chin as he traced shapes on the skin underneath your shirt. You laid there quietly, playing with his fingers as you concentrated on his slowing heartbeat. You looked up, eyes tracing over the sharp features of his face, his beauty marks creating the most gorgeous constellations across his skin.

He noticed you staring, looking down at you with a questioning glance. "What are you looking at?"

You smile. "You're so pretty, Haechan."

His face mirrored your expression as he fixed a stray piece of your hair. "As are you, my love."

[passthroughtime]

decided to write down several LJ/kuwana/kwgm(-related) things that i’ve been mulling over recently. though i wanted to explore this all in my fics, but it isn't happening any time soon, with how i am discouraged by my own wip's posted chapters... (it's hard to see good things there for now, i just hope that it gets better on its own... magically changing my tired author's perspective to "wow there is actually great things about it" myself... copium.) so. just making a post. for now. or ever. idk.

1) kuwana is lonely, and he is trying to find someone who will understand his pain

that's an obvious one, of course. the way he talks about sawa and finds similarities in his and yagami's experiences; this all is him trying to find someone who'd share his pain.

seeking out kusumoto with a revenge plot as a resolution for the root of their traumas has the same motivation underneath it. kitakata was shunned from society, his career is tarnished. the only thing he has is lots of time to reflect on his mistakes, without means to remedy them: he can't be a teacher again, so he could stop any bullying in the moment. i believe that an attempted suicide of his student reflected bad on any type of a child-assossiated work he could focus on to make a difference. he has no direct opportunity to prevent the same situation from happening again.

so, he goes to kusumoto, thinking she despises kawai just as much. she does, and even if it takes some convincing (because, unlike kitakata, she has a life/something to focus on beside the loss of mitsuru), she agrees to avenge her son. but when everything is done, kitakata is left alone yet again, with his guilt, and anger, and absolutely nothing to live for.

he drinks a lot. his appartment is a mess. he lives under a false name for a decade, so there isn't much people left in his life who knows of his past. he is alone, but that doesn't matter because he's already arranged a future for himself. he has a purpose, as he sees it, though. by avenging others, he remedies himself in the only way he sees available. it doesn't make it easier, because the bullying problem still exists, but he at least does something, right? gives a closure to families who lost a child. it's something.

so, yeah, it's a pretty obvious idea, but seeing that all of this is just circumstantial evidence bothered me. what if i'm just a kuwana apologist and it's not that deep?

but...

it is. it is that deep. kuwana doesn't argue with that, he is silent for a moment after yagami says this line, we can't see his face/what he feels at the moment, and after starts talking about a whole other topic. as far as i can see, yagami hit the nail on the head. (and i'm not that delusional about kuwana. yay.)

2) trust falls & the "you are not a piece of shit" journey

i've been talking about it before, but this is still a big one for me, because the whole final section of the game happens only because kuwana's life relies on yagami's decision to help him, by kuwana's own volition.

he doesn't know for certain if yagami's view of him changes after the boat scene, and i imagine he has a pretty clear idea of who yagami is and where his priorities lie at this point. he won't be helping some murderer to survive; but that's the only info yagami has to make a decision on.

yes, kuwana asks of yagami and his friends' safety when he makes a contact with bando: that's him building trust and making sure yagami knows he doesn't throw them to the wolves. but it still is a gamble, so he has a plan B. (which is to blow up soma, kawai's body and presumably himself — presumably, because the game doesn't say it outright, but kuwana has to be certain that soma is right next to the body and has no means to escape, right? so he has to see it with his own eyes. with the blast from the explosion and rk being around, the chance to make it out exists, but imo is rather flimsy.)

yagami shows up, and kuwana's chance to survive goes up.

now, there lies another problem. yagami's been thinking that kuwana is just another piece of shit murderer for the whole game. this is why that's a gamble for kuwana, BUT it is also for yagami when he says that kuwana isn't that bad to blow them all up. and it happens because kuwana tries to take advantage of yagami's prejudice.

i'd want to believe that atp yagami knows for certain that he really isn't and that's him calling out kuwana's bs... but that gives too much credit to yagami LOL sorry. that's hard for me because he spends an entire game ignoring who kuwana is as a person because of his own trauma/experience (meaning, the conclusion he comes to in the end of the first game. which is the main source of yagami's bias towards kuwana for the entirety of LJ, with its conclusion being that it's not that simple actually). at least, kuwana says it directly to him once (as far as i remember), so there's that.

i won't recount every instance of yagami projecting his own trauma on kuwana and consequently being so wrong about his character (i can do that, i don't see the point), because we all know that yagami is a major bitch, right?

why he bitches towards kuwana so consistently is... a question for sure, and i believe it loosely ties to fandom's interpretation of kuwana's character as well. (no shade intended lol, i've been changing my opinion on this several times already.)

but it's important to point out that i've noticed that, mostly, eastern's and western's interpretation of dynamic in kuwagami differs: western fandom considers kuwana as the annoying one while eastern fandom sees that yagami pisses kuwana off. i agree with both, to an extent. they have a very delicate balance of mutual annoyance, i think, and it presents itself differently throughout the whole game.

the first two scenes with kuwana (meeting at plage, and attack on yokohama 99) have kuwana purposely being a nuisance. in the first scene, he needs yagami's name, so he doesn't intend on letting him go until yagami tells him. in the second, he makes sure to be in y99 until his plan takes place, so he stays there in the pretence of wanting to join yagami's investigation (and butters up kaito while he's at it).

the important nuance: the first scene has yagami being a complete asshole almost unwarranted because he has always been a bitch, it's literally his default state (re: JE. every scene in JE.), and it indeed pisses kuwana off. the second scene has kuwana making great points as to why he can be of value to yagami, while he just. keeps being a bitch. again. there is no real/valid reason for him to decline kuwana's help. he just doesn't like him.

the rest of the game... well tbh, i was surprised to see how uncharacteristically chill kuwana is when we/yagami meets him the next time at sawa's apartment. because, you know. kuwana goes there suspecting that sawa has very complicated questions to ask him, and he plans to answer them with honesty. all that, and he sees the detective who's been unknowningly investigating him all this time. i won't be surprised if he presumes sawa called yagami here. that's just an example.

well, i'm not saying that kuwana is completely innocent and doesn't make his remarks out of nowhere, he just matches yagami's freak his shit-talking, for me, is more reactionary than that of yagami. yagami is pissed at him 24/7, literally every time when they meet, and says shit to him constantly. in his defence, there are moments here and then when we can hear compassion in his voice and he's almost chill. but there is less of them than the moments with yagami being his usual self.

yeah, kuwana is a murderer and all, but i still believe that yagami is very biased because sometimes it seems like he doesn't even hear what kuwana is saying. but i've kinda said it all before, so i won't repeat myself.

...uhh, what was i talking about? kuwana is not an asshole. his bitchiness is mostly reactionary, with yagami being a usual instigator of bickering. he isn't genuinely angry at yagami (re: eastern fandom's hc). he cares for lots of people (the gang, children suffering from bullying, kusumoto, sawa), he was a teacher after all, and he took his student's attempted suicide so bad that he's given away all his life in his name — he has to feel guilty and responsible for that, and he doesn't place all responsibility on his bullying students.

as we see with kawai, his students and even mikoshiba, he gives bullies a chance to redeem themselves, and acts, if he sees that their apologies weren't genuine and they learnt nothing from this tragedy. well, maybe i am a kuwana apologist, ANYWAY...

the problem with his characterisation is, we don't see him interacting with other people much. the rest of the gang? only if he can forget that yagami's in the room (yeah, even going out for beers with kaito was, in a way, to piss yagami off), which is for some reason is incredibly hard for him. only thing that i can recall is him being condescending towards sugiura's remarks during their whole talk at tesso's, but sugiura does draw away his attention from yagami so it's sugiura's fault LMAO

oh, and him talking with his students. which is still about yagami, because he tries to turn them against him, while kuwana himself escapes.

but i love this line anyway, such a disappointed teacher moment lol:

mostly, we only have yagami's pov to judge kuwana's character from with our own eyes. other people's accounts...

well, i don't really want to delve into it.

tl;dr: i should play around with their dynamic more, and question my vision TM more. seems to be fun to do so. (and maybe try finding instances of kuwana not being that nice, because i fear me writing him gentle and such is totally biased.)

3) when kuwana is actually an asshole

yeah, we need to acknowledge the fact that kuwana orchestrated the attack on yokohama 99, even if the game doesn't do that lmfao. i don't want to surmise much, because, yeah, i believe we don't see tsukumo and sugiura's reaction upon realising it was kuwana's plan. but i need to revisit the canon just to say it for certain

we can see sugiura being angry at kuwana's students. and while meeting kuwana for the first time after the reveal at tesso's— well, he doesn't seem really glad to see him too.

but the most infuriating thing is that kuwana still has yagami in his mind while doing it. he tries to drive away yagami when he meets yagami at plage with a threat on his life; he orchestrates the attack on y99 with a treath on his friends' life.

he achieves nothing of course, because yagami is yagami, he has no sense of self-preservation lol, that's his whole deal.

so afterwards kuwana goes, fuck it, i have no time for this, — and disappears from yagami's sight until the unfortunate (or fortunate, if you look at it the other way) meeting at sawa's.

the thing is, sugiura and tsukumo were re-classified in his mind from "collegues" to "yagami's friends", and that's tragic for their relationship, honestly. they were the real collateral damage kuwana is at fault for.

because sawa is, well... if kuwana knew he had to be careful not to create a connecting thread between his murders, he would't go through with mikoshiba's murder. he cares for sawa, and he can't forgive himself as it is. this is the same as with mitsuru, he doesn't ignore the threat, he doesn't even know it exists.

while the attack on yokohama 99 is 100% his fault. what exact orders about what his students can and can't do to tsukumo and sugiura were, we will never know. sadly. but he is to blame anyway.

on the topic of kuwana endangering other people's safety — now ignoring possible consequences, though...

yeah. this scene.

to be fair to him, there is no prior evidence of yagami not being able to stand his ground. idk if (how much of) yagami's involvement in the mole/AD-9 case is known to general public, especially the fact that yagami survives the fall, the following concussion, and a fight with a serial killer cop. there is enough evidence though to not doubt yagami's abilities even in LJ up to this point. yagami fights off liumang's attack twice. kuwana knows how good yagami is in a fight firsthand. they were doing well against akutsu and rk up until this point. yagami should be fiiiine.

but then he isn't. he is almost killed. kuwana doesn't mention if he knows of that, and they don't talk about it. sawa being murdered is more of a concern to both of them. we don't know how kuwana feels about leaving yagami in grave danger. even though it hardly was his intention, i don't think at least; several minutes earlier yagami says kuwana to run, to which he hesitates, until yagami assures him that he really should leave him behind. and, saying it again. there is no real reason to believe that this situation will turn out to be THAT bad.

i don't know for certain of course, and i'm, saying it again, biased. though, nonetheless, i think there is some reason to think kuwana knows about yagami barely surviving the last time they were against rk.

this scene literally parallels with kuwana leaving him in chapter 7. rk with their leader present, a very real threat to yagami's life (with akutsu and soma saying to rk what to do with them even, lmao) and there's only two of them against a big group of enemies. yeah. i feel so stupid for not realising this earlier.

as kuwana catboy-assigned yagami said himself:

yagami's luck is bound to run out someday. kuwana doesn't risk it happening this day, not if he can help it; he doesn't intend to make the same mistake.

[kanguin]

That poem hit me hard wow. Idk why I want to open up on Tumblr of all places but idk. I never share personal stuff in posts. Just oversharing in tags.

So yeah. I'm depressed. Depressed as shit. I quit my job recently because the commute, the low pay, and the high social energy cost of making 100+ phone calls a day just. Sucked the life out of me. Even my mother and fiance could see it. But this just marks burnout number... 4? I believe. I've experienced burnout and mental collapse 4 times now in the past decade. 4 years between the first two, 5 between the next two, and now just 1 year between this one and the last. And now I'm supposed to look for a job I like again, but... I don't know what I'd like. I'm not exactly enjoying life right now. And the thought of selling more of my life for money is not putting me in a good mental spot.

I don't play video games anymore. I haven't been able to do so for more than a couple weeks a year in ages. I never talk to my friends one on one anymore. I have no hobbies to speak of, really, aside from messing around on my computer, but it's not like I have the space to engage in any hobbies anyway since my broke ass still lives with my mom. I have my fiance living with me now, but while they're an emotional anchor, we have no space to our own besides the bedroom and a bonus room, but the latter is still technically a public space we can't decorate ourselves or use for painting or hobbies.

I feel stuck and miserable. I want to move out, I want my own home and space to be unbothered in, I want my own fridge and pantry with my own food, and to be able to be out of my bedroom without being on call for sudden required tasks or unwelcome socialization. I want a space to engage in hobbies; sculpting, painting, building, working with my hands. I want to be able to operate on my own schedule and not have to compromise on when is too late to start a task or eat a meal. I want to be able to start HRT in the privacy of my own home, so that I don't have to disclose my transition until I'm ready. I want... Freedom. I want to be able to live a life that feels mine, and not like I'm living in borrowed space and time.

But all of that requires money, and that just leads to a catch 22. I need money to achieve my desires, but need a job to get money. But I need a job I am happy doing so as not to burnout a 5th time, but I need to be able to enjoy life and work in the first place for that. And if I already enjoyed my life I wouldn't be in such a bad spot mentally.

I used to be so hopeful and determined for my future, but it's been 6-7 years since I graduated college with my bachelor's, and by now I've all but lost hope things will ever change. This genuinely feels like this is it, I'll be stuck here in this house until my mother dies, I get kicked out, or my heart takes me to an early grave like my father.

My next therapy appointment isn't for two weeks. I sure hope I stay on topic next time, because I only ever realized all the things I forgot to cover after the appointment. Even though I had my issues well memorized and written down.

...

If anyone actually reads this long ass ramble, I'm sorry. It's nearly 5am for me writing this.

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To be honest, one of the aspects of my personality I miss the most is my love of making and keeping friends. Not that I was ever good at it, but I always enjoyed getting to know someone knew, and of course I loved learning more about my existing friends, too. There are so many people I can think of where I go "wow, I wish I had the energy to get to know them", but I can't really do that anymore in good conscience. Anyone I try and befriend nowadays is just going to get abandoned in a month or two when my overwhelming shame drive me to ghosting them.