#would this be easier if i learnt to make gifs? maybe

[council--board]

Status of Requests -> Stimboards are: Open -> Doodles are: Open -> Icons are: Open

Doc w/ each anon and request

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-> hello there. my name is Sebastian but you can also call me Kaizen. I switch names very often since I can’t keep using thr same names sometimes. I use he/him pronouns, please do not use they/them on me

-> I am a French Canadian user who’s primary language is French. I still struggle in English although I learnt the language when I was really young. this can make it difficult to find things

-> my interests for anyone curious. this updates from time to time + helps if anyone wants to request from anything I like

-> please be patient if youd send requests due to me sometimes taking way longer than usual to start on them. I am constantly tired due to lack of sleep but I can also sometimes be too busy to get to requests

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-> my main blog is @paintedcomputer where I am mostly active on

-> I also run @ultrastim and @paintedpaws-stims. I run the second with a friend

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-> anons are allowed to sign off with either a Name or an Emoji which will be recorded on a Google Doc. sometimes I forget to add some anons since they were either here before I made it or I simply forgot. I sometimes ask for anons to provide pronouns and/or a name to me so I can refer to them as something else rather than the emoji

-> guide that I made to help but I don’t mind trying to help through text. the only problem I have is that it’s difficult to explain

I will do: -> Original Characters -> Oc x Oc / Canon x Canon / Oc x Canon -> Kin stimboards -> LGBTQ themed boards -> Animals -> Fandom characters [catified designs / your own designs are welcome!] -> Fandom specific [such as a board based off the game undertale] -> Gift stimboards which is you requesting a board for someone else

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Fandom Specific would be asking me to create a stimboard based off Undertale and not a specific character from the game

ships are only welcome if they're fine to do. if you ever see me do a ship board where it's problematic, please inform me and I'll get rid of it. I try my best to do research on canon x canon to make sure nothing is bad

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I won't do: -> Spiders -> Soap Cutting -> Slime [specifically water slime] -> IRL people -> Kidcore

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• I won't be recolouring gifs because it's a pain in the ass so I won’t be able to match themes

• IRL people only applies to like actors, youtubers, etc. you get the idea. however, characters from a tv series or a movie is fine since I’m not directly doing the actor yknow?

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Maybe: -> Bugs [it depends which ones]

-> this is a general stimboog meaning I will do absolutely anything ranging from media to original characters

-> when it comes to fandoms: I don’t give two shits what fandom you wanna request from. I won’t do what I don’t wanna do, I don’t think it’s necessary for me to have a list of fandoms I would not do since I’ll decide for myself. all I ask is that you Specify the fandom when requesting so it’s easier for research. even if I know it

-> when it comes down to kinboards, it’s pretty simple. inform me if it’s a kin and I’ll tag it as such unless I forgot. you are also allowed to ask me to write it down if people are allowed to tag it as Me/ID/Kin or whatever else people use [this also applies to general stimboards]

-> when requesting a ship, I ask that you format it as Character x Character rather than Character/Character so I can understand what it means without struggling a lot. anythign coming from Character and Character will be seen as strictly platonic

-> if you are wanting me to use a specific image of a character, please provide it to me since I would sometimes not be able to hunt it down with vague descriptions. you can either send the image through the ask or provide a link. I would prefer Official over Fanart since I would prefer that fanart is able to be used because of the creator allowing it [+ I’ll need the post]

-> please be specific with your themes! you are definitely allowed to not request anything and letting me go absolutely wild with the stims but it will require me to research about the character meaning it can take a while

-> three characters max on 1 stimboard

-> you are allowed to request multiple boards at once if you want to instead of waiting for me to finish everything. as long as my requests are open, I welcome you with open arms. you are also allowed to request thr same character multiple times or the same fandom multiple times, I don’t care

-> if I can’t find a gif or anything specific, I may change something you asked from me

-> I am allowed to deny any requests that I am not comfortable working on. I will not answer the request to say I am not doing it, instead I will simply delete it

“ I noticed you wrote [insert thing here] on the post. what doesnit mean? “

sometimes I will add in texts depending on what it is but often I don’t. these refer to things I made for myself specifically instead of a request or something generic

-> for my own benefit - these are boards I made for myself and only me, meaning I didn’t make it for someone else or just a random board. I will specify if I don’t want people doing anything on it

-> I know what you are - no this does not mean I’m calling you gay, this is some text I put whenever I know who requested it if they’re on anon but I don’t always add it

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“ what do these tags mean? “

-> stimboard-logs - this is the first tag I created whichh was based off my original name for the stimblog. despite the new username, I decided to keep it so it’s organized and doesn’t require looking at two different tags to find general stuff. this is a tag for anything unrelated to boards but I also tag my boards with it

-> gabriels stimboard - only for stimboards I create get tagged with this

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-> Stimboards: " hey could I request a Gabriel from Ultrakill stimboard with themes of wings, gold and swords? " can also be written as " Gabriel [ultrakill "

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-> Ship stimboards: " hey could I request a v1 x v2 from Ultrakill stimboard? " can also be written as " v4v [v1 x v2 ultrakill] " -> if you write down their ship name, please specify the names separately for easier research

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-> Kin stimboards: " can I get a Foxy from FNAF stimboard? this is a kin request "

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-> Doodles/Icons: " can I request a doodle/icon of [character/oc] " doodles can sometimes be actual drawings instead of normal doodle if you request doodles/icons, I will obviously want to be given the ref of the oc

-> what are some requests you would deny? anything that makes me uncomfortable to work on or if it's problematic in some way then I'll deny it. I also avoid anything that wants me using bright colours or if the character is really bright [which might just be me putting an overlay on it] since bright colours gives me bad headaches

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-> is there anything you won't allow for themes? spiders, water slime, anything on my " won't do " list really

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-> could I make a blog inspired from yours? you don't have to ask, anyone is allowed to make a stimblog. I might look at your blog if you do make one though and I'm aware of it

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-> can I ask for this specific thing again? go ahead! I don't mind

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-> can you tag this for me? yeah, sure. make sure to tell me if it's a cw or tw because I don't know the difference :[

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-> am I allowed to request a stimboard for someone else as a gift? YEAH!! please do, these are fun to make

[outofcontext-gintama]

gintama ep.25

~ "a shared soup pot is a microcosm of life"

[fandom-puff]

A Lion’s Feast

Pairing: tywin lannister x younger!wife!reader

Requested by: anon ‘Could you write a modern au for tywin lannister x younger wife reader. Maybe they have a Lannister family dinner and its all just chaotic.’

Notes: I didn’t end up doing this as a modern AU, because I found it easier to work with everything in like... Westerosi time frame, but I hope this is okay.

Warnings: older man/younger woman, political/arranged marriage, Joffrey, use of words like slut/whore etc (cheers, Cers), reference to Jaime and Cersei’s incest, awkward family dinner

Gif creds to owner

“We will be dining in the Queen’s chambers tonight,”

You tensed up, staring straight ahead as you walked through the gardens of the Red Keep with your lord husband. “Am I… in trouble?” You asked softly. You were new to King’s Landing, shipped over from the Vale to marry the Lord of Casterly Rock, and you weren’t quite used to the way King Joffrey’s court worked.

“No. I’ve arranged for us to dine together as a family. You have not properly met my children and grandchildren. You are a Lannister by marriage, you are their mother-in-law, whether they like it or not, and it’s high time we acted like it,” his voice had a bitter edge to it; it hadn’t taken long for Queen Cersei to make her distaste clear. While no one in court would dare insult Tywin Lannister, the girl from the Vale was an easy target for gossip. You had been called every name under the sun, but the Queen’s favourite jibe was ‘whore’.

“Alright,” you murmured, lowering your eyes. You knew there would be no point in arguing. You had quickly learnt that when your husband put his mind to something, there was no turning back. As a few men of the court crossed your path, you felt Tywin’s hand come to rest on the small of your back, and it did not move until you were in the tower of the Hand. You smiled softly as you caught sight of the steaming tub of hot water, scented with sweet oils as you entered your bedroom. “You’ve had this all planned out, haven’t you, my Lord?” You asked, a small smirk gracing your lips. “You should’ve just told my handmaidens to do it in my chambers, to save the walk up all of those stairs,”

Tywin smiled ever-so-slightly. “You’re hardly ever in your own chambers downstairs, wife,” he reminded you.

“Only because you’re the only person I really know in this godforsaken keep, and even then I don’t know you that well. Besides, if I stayed in my own chambers, I’d get lost and end up in the maze of dragon skulls below the keep,”

Tywin smirked, giving you a little push by the small of your back. “Bathe. Wear red, and preferably rubies and gold,” he said sternly. You sighed, knowing Tywin wanted you to dress the part, to look like the Lady of Casterly Rock. You bathed and dried, perfuming your skin and hair before pulling on your smallclothes, calling in your handmaiden to tighten your bodice, then help lace up your dress. It was a deep red, with golden embroidery on the bodice and cuffs that glimmered when you moved, just covering your shoulders and showing the swell of your breasts, and you fastened a pendant around your neck- a golden lion with tiny rubies for its eyes, tongue and claws. You braided back the front of your hair, but let the rest fall down over your shoulders.

You emerged from the room into Tywin’s main office, your hands folded in front of you. He surveyed you briefly before nodding, offering his arm.

**

You sat in silence as you ate, eyes fixed on your plate. Tywin was sat to your left, Jaime to your right. Cersei and Joffrey occupied the heads of the table, and Tyrion sat across from you, in between Myrcella and Tommen.

“More wine, my Lady?” Tyrion said out of the blue, holding up the jug. He gave you a slight smile, knowing how you must feel to be the outcast, like a stranger with the people you were meant to call family.

“I... yes, please. Thank you, my Lord,” you said.

Tyrion smiled as he poured, before filling his own glass. “Just Tyrion will suffice. Let us leave formality at the door,” you smiled slightly and nodded.

“I agree,” said Jaime, earning himself a sharp look from Cersei, who was used to her twin almost always siding with her. “Wasn’t the whole point of this evening to introduce you to us? As a family,” Cersei scoffed into her goblet. “We won’t get very far with ‘my lords’ and ‘my ladies’, will we?”

Tywin nodded his approval at his sons’ attitude and you smiled, beginning to relax a little, though the presence of Cersei and Joffrey kept you on edge. “Tell me, Lady YN, how is the Vale at this time? Have the northerners got their grubby claws on it yet?” Joffrey suddenly asked.

You froze slightly. You were here to talk, yes, but not talk politics. “The Vale... your grace, is not quite like the Reach, or the Riverlands, or even like Winterfell or Casterly Rock,” you said carefully, fully aware of all of the eyes on you. You looked at Tywin, and when he gave you an approving nod, you turned back to the king and continued. “The majority of the Vale is mountain, with the valley you desire buried between them. Even Robb Stark’s best men couldn’t seize it. No one could. To take the Vale, one must take the Eyrie. To take the Eyrie... well... you just couldn’t,” you were happy sharing this fact, as it was known across Westeros that the Eyrie was impenetrable.

“There are other ways to the Eyrie, though. Marriage,” Cersei said. It was the first time she had spoken, and she had a conniving gleam in her eye.

“There is only one heir to the Vale. Jon Arryn was murd-died before he could have any more children. Only little Robert Arryn is the Lord of the Vale, and he’s just past his sixth name day I believe. Besides, his mother is... very protective of her boy. As I’m sure you can understand, your grace, as a mother yourself,” you said cooly. You didn’t know what possessed you to speak that way to the Queen, but something about speaking of your home, your true home filled you with confidence.

“Indeed. There is nothing quite like a mother’s love,” she responded, fixing you with a cold stare.

“I’m unfamiliar, having lost my mother when I was seven,” you said.

“Does the Eyrie really have a trap door that leads nowhere?” Tommen Baratheon suddenly asked, breaking the silence between you and his mother.

You smiled softly at the little boy. How could someone so innocent come from the loins of a beast like Cersei. You supposed some of the good nature came from his father- his true father, that is, Jaime Lannister. “Yes,” you said. “They call it the Moon Door. It’s a big trap door that opens into the sky. If the Lord of the Vale commands, prisoners can be thrown from it,” you stopped, realising quickly how gruesome that must sound to a little boy.

Tommen simply shrugged. “I suppose that must be less messy,” he said, returning his focus to his food. Soon Tommen and Myrcella were bundled off to bed, and Myrcella told you rather sweetly that she liked the way you did your hair.

Once the children were gone, it left only you and Tywin, his three children and the King. Tywin suggested you move away from the dining table to sit and drink wine. Joffrey excused himself, utterly disinterested with continuing on with the evening. You felt a little lighter after he left, although you could feel Cersei staring daggers at you.

“It must feel strange,” Jaime said. “Coming down here from the Vale. I imagine it’s all rather confusing, and daunting,”

“You can say that again,” you said. “I thought I’d just get bundled off to Casterly Rock, never seen or spoken to,”

Tywin laughed slightly. “Come now, wife, we do have some level of decency in this family,” he said. You smiled shyly, looking at your lap. He was often a little more... relaxed after a few glasses of wine.

“Ha!” Cersei said, having also drunk a fair bit. She had been holding her tongue all night, and it seemed now it had loosened. “Once he puts an heir in your belly, you’ll be shipped off to Casterly Rock. And if it’s a girl, you’ll be spared a visit or two, until you give us a son. That’s all you’re here for, that’s all you’re good for,”

You sat up a little straighter, responding before Tywin could. “I am aware of the general concept of political marriages. Your father gets a wife and an heir, my family gets money, or protection or something of the sort. The Seven know, you Lannisters have gold pouring out of your ears,”

“I believe the phrase is that we ‘shit gold,’” Tyrion supplied with a smirk, making you chuckle.

“You think this is a game,” Cersei hissed. “I’ve seen you, prancing around court, dressed in red and gold, following father around like a lost dog! Fluttering about like a common slut,”

“Cersei-” Jaime said lowly.

“No! No! Can’t you see, she has her claws in father the same way Margaery has her claws in Joffrey! And you want me to accept that whore as my mother,”

It was silent. Cersei panted, now standing up. Jaime and Tyrion looked between her and Tywin. Tywin remained stoic, although his eyes revealed the way he seethed. But it was you who spoke first.

“I don’t expect you to accept me as your mother. I am not your mother. Nor will I ever try to be, or call myself that,” you said quietly, contrasting the Queen’s outburst. “I will, however, do my best to serve my husband, to provide him with the heir that is expected of me, the same way you provided King Robert with his heirs,”

Cersei snorted. “I’m sure you do a fine job of serving, you brazen little who-”

“Enough, Cersei!” Tywin finally said, standing up. “Whether you like it or not, I have married YN. She will give me an heir, or two, or more. And she will remain the lady of Casterly rock, no matter how much you protest,”

“She’s not fit to be lady of Casterly rock. She can barely curtsey,” she spat. “You have heirs, father,” she said, almost pleasing. “What need have you for a little whore,”

“I have a son who swore an oath, another who has more interest in wine and whoring, and a daughter who is not nearly as clever and tactical as she thinks she is. Casterly rock will not be left to either of you when I’m gone. It will be left to mine and YN’s son,”

“It could be! It could be left to one of my children,” Cersei hissed.

“One of your children? I wouldn’t put a bastard on the seat of Casterly Rock,” Tywin said cooly. Cersei opened her mouth to argue but Tywin held up his hand. “Give it up, Cersei. You told me yourself, my legacy is a lie. You have had your chance to build the Lannister name. Now it is time for YN and I to rebuild what you have trampled into the ground with your lies and your... acts,” he said with disgust. “And if I so much as hear the words whore or slut to describe my wife, I will resign as hand, withdraw my knights and my gold, as well as that of the Vale and leave you to pick up the pieces of this kingdom that I have been holding together. Perhaps you could learn a thing or two from the Tyrells. Come YN,” he said, turning away from his daughter and resting his hand on your waist, guiding you out of the Queens chambers and back to the tower of the hand, not giving you a chance to curtsey to the Queen.

As the door slammed shut, Tyrion drained the rest of his wine and clapped his hands as he stood. “Well. That went well,”

Tags: @sociallyawkward-princess @lazyotakujen

[jawabear]

1 of 10 (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Not my GIF (look at this man...)

A/N: so here’s that Bucky fic I’ve been talking about. This took me too long to write but I like it? I’m absolutely loving Falcon and The Winter Soldier! I’ve mentioned this before but Bucky Barnes is my all time favourite fictional character. This is set before the events of episode one but maybe like a week or so before. I hope you enjoy. Sorry for any mistakes. Stay safe.

Genre: fluff, angst

Warnings: fem!reader, tfatws spoilers, Bucky being awkward, nightmares, therapy, Bucky isn’t as smooth as he was in the 40s but he’s still cute

Summary: Bucky has ten contacts in his phone. One of which belongs the the girl he feels he has been searching for for 106 long years.

The times in which he found himself now were more than confusing. But that was the best way Bucky could think to describe them. For him though it seemed a lot worse than for others. For others, they had a gap of five years missing. For Bucky, he had far more than that.

From 1943 to 2023 there was a lot missing. He remembered it however. He remembered everything. The good, the bad, and the horrifying. What was meant by missing was that it wasn’t him who was living. He had missed out on living between those years. He had missed out on everything. And he knew, like the billions of others, he would never get those years back.

But now he was a civilian. Working to make amends from his past after being given a pardon. However, settling into his new easy life was proving far from that. It had been a few months now since the whole ordeal with saving the blipped half of humanity, Bucky included, and it had been a few months now since Steve went back in time and started a new life leaving him and Sam behind.

Sam. Right.

Sam was an avenger. More so than Bucky could ever be. So he was off doing his avenging work while Steve’s shield gathered dust in a wardrobe somewhere he was sure. Sam didn’t have it in him to take up the mantle of Captain America. He felt the shield belonged to someone else. It was Steve’s. It only ever could be.

More often than perhaps Bucky would like, he would get texts from Sam. Asking him how he was and telling him about missions he was going on. Bucky never replied. He didn’t know how to half the time and he didn’t want to.

He didn’t know how he was. He didn’t know if he was okay. He was forced to go see a therapist but all he did was lie to her.

“Have you had any nightmares recently?” She would ask him.

Bucky would think back to the night before their meeting and all the others as well. Each night he’d have to be faced with the horrors of his past. Every mission he carried out. Every person he carelessly killed.

“No” he would answer. And it wasn’t like he was wrong in his answer. The things he saw in his sleep were not nightmares they were memories. The nightmarish horrors he was were his reality, so when he said no in response to her question, he found it difficult to be accused of lying.

There were few things he could agree with her about. But the one thing he could see eye to eye with her about was the fact he was alone.

Sure, he had Sam. But only when Bucky wanted to acknowledge him which had not been often as of recently. And as his therapist so kindly pointed out he only had ten contacts on his phone. But in his defence, he still wasn’t used to the whole world of mobile communications and internet. So his phone was basically redundant to him. His mind was still in the 1940s where you’d find a date, what would now be classed as, the old fashioned way. By looking in person and talking. Not just texting or swiping left or right on an app.

Granted, Bucky did try his hand in online dating but it was far too much for him. It wasn’t only hard for him to figure out but also he saw too much of people he didn’t even know. The openness of the internet was something that was mind boggling to him. So that was thrown out of the window pretty quickly.

But what his therapist had failed to note was one name in his contacts. The name of his neighbour and quite possibly the one he wanted to end his loneliness with.

Back in his time, when he didn’t just have the looks of someone in their 20s, Bucky was in fact quite popular and good with the ladies. But the ladies, he found, of this new age were completely different to the ones of his time. Not that there was a problem, he just knew that he couldn’t used the same moves now as what he could back then.

He met (Y/N), his neighbour, as he was first moving in. After coming back, loosing Steve and getting a pardon, Bucky thought it be best to try and start a new. He did that by moving back to his old home of Brooklyn. His old apartment was obviously gone and with little money to his name he couldn’t afford the one that replaced it. It was far to big for him anyway. But he managed to find a smaller more affordable one and he much preferred it. If not only for the quieter location then the others in the building too.

(Y/N) was the first person he spoke too when back in Brooklyn. She was sweet and kind when introducing herself. She offered to help him move in but he really didn’t have that much stuff to use in making his new apartment more homely. And he had no food either. So (Y/N) did the neighbourly thing and invited him in for some food. A meal of sorts although she didn’t have much food either at the time. Even so, it was nice for him to be in company for once. And it was such warm company. They didn’t speak about much but he learnt a few things about her.

And now, on most Thursday evenings, he’ll find himself with her in her apartment eating a meal, sometimes she’ll cook, sometimes they’ll order take out, but he enjoys it regardless.

It was clear from the offset that she knew who he was. He frantically explained to her that he wasn’t what he used to be anymore and explained the terms of his pardon and how he’s making amends. But he needn’t have waste his breath on it. She didn’t seem to care about it. About who he used to be. She told him that she doesn’t live in peoples pasts and that she wanted to get to know him for who he is, not who he was. Those words meant a great deal to him. And from that moment on he had fallen for her.

Bucky sighed as he dragged himself up the stairs to his floor. He desperately wished there was some way of getting out of these therapy sessions. But he was tied to them. He couldn’t stop going to them even though he wanted too. But there, it wasn’t really like he had anything better to do. Nothing but either sitting at home in silence or walking around busy streets constantly looking over his shoulder. Those were his only other options.

As he walked to his apparent at the end of the hallway (Y/N)’s door opened and she walked out dressed for the outdoors, it was getting cold so it was smart of her to be wearing a warm coat. “(Y/N)” he called gently to her. She lifted her head after locking her door and gave him a warm smile.

“Hi James” She said, she always called him James rather than Bucky. He didn’t know why but he didn’t exactly mind. “How was your session today?” She had memorised the times at which he went to his therapy sessions. She probably knew he schedule better than he did.

Bucky shrugged “the usual” he told her making her laugh a little.

“That bad huh?”

“I guess” he said scratching the back of his neck.

“Well, I’m heading to the store to get some food if you wanted to talk on the way? Don’t feel you have to”

“No, that sounds good” he tried to smile but it was a little awkward, but she didn’t seem to say anything and just motioned her head for him to follow.

The shop wasn’t too far away so it was a quick walk. Bucky wasn’t the talkative type, not really anyway. Especially not to someone he didn’t like. And Dr Raynor was someone who he didn’t like. He was sure that deep down she was a lovely person but he didn’t like the fact she was insistent in getting him to admit his feelings. Although that was her job.

It wasn’t long until they arrived at the store “so what happened?” (Y/N) asked as she picked up a basket.

“Just the usual...she asked me if I had a nightmare-“

“Did you?” Bucky didn’t answer and just looked away from her. “James, you know that it’s her job to help you. And it’s in your best interest to let her”

“I know...but at the same time...I don’t see the point. These things are mandatory. So if I don’t want to go then I don’t see it being helpful”

“I can understand that” her eyes flicking between two boxes of cereal as she inwardly decried in which one to get, but her indecisive nature got the better of her so she opted to get both. Her indecisiveness, Bucky thought, was incredibly cute. It linked in with her kindness, on their Thursday evening meals together it takes ages just to decide what to have. “But still,” she continued, Bucky following her like a lost puppy “like you said, it’s mandatory. And there are people who would love to be in your position. Getting therapy I mean. So you should at least make the most of it while you can”

“I mean...yeah. I guess. But...I don’t know I just...well it’s easier to talk to someone like you then it is to talk to her” (Y/N) smiled at little at this as she finished putting on the last few items before making her way to the till.

Neither of them said much else. Expect for (Y/N) making light conversation with the cashier as she paid although both (Y/N) and Bucky knew that the cashier really didn’t want to be there. Luckily it didn’t take long for (Y/N) to bag her items and pay for them before they were both leaving the store.

It had gotten colder outside then when they left originally. (Y/N) shivered and pulled her coat around her a little more before they both began walking back to their apartment building.

“So what is it about me that makes you find it easier to talk?” She asked, she brushed her hair from her face as a sudden gust of wind blew it out of place when she turned to look at him.

“Well...” he muttered shoving his hands into his pockets “for one, you don’t sit there with a passive aggressive notebook ready to write shit about me” this made her laugh a little, she always found it funny when he’d talk about this notebook Dr Raynor had. She didn’t really know why he hated it so much, and she knew she shouldn’t have found it funny but he never stopped her from laughing about it, in fact often times he would join in thereby encouraging her.

“Yes, that is something better I guess. Although, I’m sure I could find a notebook if you wanted” she teased.

“Oh god. Please don’t” He said holding back a smile.

“Anything else?” She asked him.

Bucky thought for a moment. There were many things about her that made it easier for him to talk to her, but he couldn’t list them all. For one, that would be embarrassing, and two he didn’t think he’d have the breath to do it. “Well-“

He was cut off when he saw (Y/N)’s smile fall and her pace began to slow right down to a stop. Bucky stopped and looked at her “everything okay?” He asked her, his voice full of concern.

She turned sharply to the side so she was facing the road “y-yeah..” she stuttered nervously “just...my ex is walking this way and I really don’t want him to see me”

Bucky felt a strange feeling inside him. He didn’t even know she had been in a relationship. It must’ve been a recent thing right? Unless it was a really bad break up in the past, or this guy had done something to her to prompt her being so on edge. Bucky turned to try and scope out this guy but he didn’t have a clue what he was looking for. So he reached over to her and pulled up her hood on her hoodie that she wore under her coat and pulled her into his side so that her face was hidden from view.

“Tell me when he’s gone” Bucky muttered to her. She nodded her head and let him walk her along the path, she kept her eye on the path ahead as best she could while still covering her face. But she was now more focused on two things, his arm around her and his wonderful smell. Never did she think she’d ever get this close to him. She never thought he’d let her, but here she was attached to his side with his arm wrapped around her, holding her protectively against him.

And his smell. It was just as comforting as she dreamed it would be. A mix of his cologne and what she could only describe as Him. All she wanted to do now was to just melt into his strong and warm embrace and just stay there forever.

In all her daydreaming she didn’t notice that her ex had long since walked by and they had reached the entrance to their apartment building and she didn’t tell him he could let go or that it was safe for her to walk properly.

Bucky came to a stop and slowly slipped his arm from her “I mean...I take it he’s gone now right?” He said a little nervously. (Y/N) stood up straight and pushed the hood from her head and nodded quickly, her cheeks burning in embarrassment.

“Yeah. Yes, right. Sorry. Yes. He’s gone. I um...I just wanted to make sure he didn’t suddenly turn around you know? That’s all” she said in an unconvincing tone. But Bucky himself was too flustered to actually care that she was flustered as well.

“Of course, that’s smart. Well we made it back” he said stepping up to the door and pushing it open for her. She nodded and thank you and quickly hopped inside the building, Bucky following after her.

The walk up the stairs was an awkward silence. They felt like teenagers after their first ever date. Who says something first? What do they even say? Luckily for them, this wasn’t a first date, and they weren’t teenagers. They were fully grown, mature adults. But that doesn’t mean adults can’t get flustered in the presence of their crush...right?

After what felt like hours, but was more like five painstaking minuets, they finally got to their floor and walked down the hall, both briefly forgetting that they lived right next to each other.

(Y/N) stopped at her door and placed her bag of food on the floor to fish out her keys from her pocket. “Uh...you want to come in?” She asked whilst fiddling around in her pocket to find the keys. “I know it’s not Thursday but we didn’t really talk as much as usual...” her voice seemed to trail off as she finally found her keys and put them in the key hole before unlocking the door. “You don’t have too..”

“I’d...like to...” he said in a soft voice with a gentle smile to try and put her at ease even though he too was freaking out inside. She smiled back and picked up her bag before walking inside her apartment, he did too.

They both made their way into her small kitchen and he made himself at home by sitting in his usual seat at her white kitchen table and she began to unpack the shopping “Do you want me to help?” He asked her as he went to stand up but she waved off his offer.

“No no, it’s fine. There’s only a few bits anyway” she told him as she began to pack each item away in its rightful place.

“So uh...” Bucky began quietly as he scraped his metal finger again the wood table. “This ex of yours...what’s the story there?”

Bucky was a little cautious of his words. He didn’t want to say anything to hurt or offend her but at the same time he wanted to know what about the guy made her so on edge earlier.

“Oh uh...” she muttered as she pulled two cups from her cupboard.

“You don’t need to tell me if you want want to. Sorry..”

“It’s fine” she assured him “nothing really happened I guess. It was just a bad break up. He didn’t really take it well and for a few weeks after that he just kept texting me and trying to call me. He came round to my place too to try and get me back. He never did know how to take no for an answer. But about a month ago he finally got the message and stopped all contact with me. Seeing him today...I was just worried that he’d try it all again”

“He sounds like a real asshole” Bucky said flatly making her laugh a little as she went about making some tea for the both of them. “But in his defence, if I lost a girl like you, I’d struggle with taking no for an answer as well”

(Y/N) let out a nervous laugh and almost dropped his tea cup from the shock of his comment but she was a little more used to his flirtatious nature that would sometimes make an appearance when they were in her apartment. After he told her about his boyish charms back in the 40s she noticed how he would often slip back into that era. It was cute to say the least.

She set down his tea in front of him and he flashed her a “thank you” smile before wrapping his fingers around it.

There was a brief silence in the room. She was greatly over thinking is earlier comment. But so was he. Maybe he shouldn’t have said it. He meant it though. But what if he had pushed the limit a little too far?

“What was the other reason?” She asked him, her finger nail scratching again the tea cup trying to avoid eye contact with him at all costs.

“Huh?” He questioned looking over the table to her.

“Earlier. You were going to give me another reason why I’m easier to talk to. What was it?”

Bucky’s muscles tensed as his fingers gripped the tea cup handle as he stared into the black tea she had made for him. “If I’m being honest...” he began slowly “I think...there are too many reasons why I find talking to you easier. But I guess one is that you don’t do it because you have to or it’s your job to. You do it out of kindness. And it’s...easier to talk to someone who’s listening because they want to. And yes, I get that Dr Raynor probably does want to help me but I also know that at the end of the day, it’s all for a pay check. But with you...you do it because you want to. Or at least...I think you want to”

“I do want to, James. I’ll always be around to ask if you’re okay. And to make you okay when you’re not. I care about you...”

“And...I care about you. Another reason I prefer talking to you is because...I like you...a lot. I just think you’re the most beautiful woman, and you have such a sweet and caring nature and a good heart that is wasted on me. But I can’t help but like you...” he couldn’t really believe he just said what he did. He wasn’t mean to tell her that. It was meant to stay a secret within him into the end of time. But there was a shift in atmosphere that just made it all slip out.

“You...you like me?” She asked, still not looking at him.

“Yeah...” he said. There was a little more confidence in his voice as he admitted his feelings towards her.

“I like you too..” she too held a little more confidence in her voice as she admitted her returned feelings. It felt...good. Especially since she knew he returned the feelings she had harboured for him since they met.

She stood abruptly and held her hand out to him. He looked at it and looked up at her again before taking her hand. She pulled him to his feet and a little close to her.

He smirked a little as he looked down at her “you want me to kiss you or something?” He said almost proudly.

“Yes..” she said “but first...I want to know something”

“What do you want to know?” He asked her. She squeezed his hand and dragged him out of her kitchen.

She lead him to her bedroom and noticed the worried expression on his face when he looked at her bed. This was what she wanted to know.

“You don’t have a bed in your apartment...” She told him quietly. (Y/N) turned her body so she was facing him completely, he cautiously lifted his hands to settle on her waist.

“I know...” he mumbled.

“Why?”

Bucky paused but he felt safe enough to give her an honest answer “I...I’m...scared. Of them”

“What is it about a bed that scares you?” She whispered, her fingers gently trailing down his cheeks. Bucky didn’t answer right away, for one he was to busy focusing of the beautiful touch of her hands, and for another, he didn’t really know the answer to her question. But he could take a guess.

“Because I...I don’t think I’ve slept in one since 1943. And I...after everything I’ve done...I don’t deserve to lie in such luxury...” his voice was quiet and barely audible, had it not been for the close proximity they were in, she probably wouldn’t have heard him.

“James...” she laid her forehead against his and he instinctively griped her waist a little tighter. The comfort and warmth she was bringing him was something he didn’t want to loose. She was someone he didn’t want to loose. He felt safer with no one but her. For once he actually felt...okay. But he felt he was holding her too tightly, but if he was she was wasn’t willing to tell him that.

“You know that you have no reason to be afraid. You are changing. You are becoming a good man. You do deserve to live in luxury, even if that starts with sleeping in a proper bed. Maybe it is scary for you...but...if you’ll allow me, I’ll help you face it”

“Please...” he whispered with a nod before pressing his lips to hers.

05/04/21

Taglist: @lunaserenade @phoenixhalliwell @slytherin4ever

[spotofimagines]

Rivals Last ~ Jadon Sancho

A/N: So I had this in my drafts before he signed with man united but that's fine, we move, we adapt. A third piece for the @footballffbarbiex summer challenge. Hope you enjoy it :)

Warnings: none - reader is female

Summary: You love both your brothers dearly, but being in the football world with them can make some things a little complicated.

gif by @archivesbvb - gif by @ermuellert - gif by @italynt

Being a footballer meant living in a special world. Being in a footballing family meant living in a special world too. Being the younger sister of Lucas and Theo Hernandez meant living in a really special world. But nobody told you just how crazy it would be for all three of those things to apply to you.

You truly love watching your older brothers play football. They teach you something new during every match you see; even though you play as a striker, their movements and handling of the ball always inspire you to play better. After all, it was their defensive skills that helped you become a good goal scorer growing up since they never let a tackle go unchallenged in the park and you had to find out how to manoeuvre around them. A lot easier said than done.

Currently Lucas is signed with Bayern Munich. In his time there so far, he has learnt the heritage, history, and importance of wearing the badge and defending its honour in every match they play, especially derbies. Having supported Lucas, it quickly became easy for you to support Bayern Munich too and celebrate their victories like it was your own team. You'd always managed to do it with the clubs both your brothers played for, letting the atmosphere of the fanbase carry you away.

You have just finished your second season in England with Manchester City women's team. You'd settled in nicely now, having learnt a lot of the English language and culture already. The experience was made so much easier because of the help given by your welcoming teammates and the staff that translated things into French and Spanish during your first months there.

Fans were a little disappointed during the 2019 summer transfer window when it was confirmed all three Hernandez siblings would be leaving Spain to play separately in England, Germany and Italy, joking that no one could know what might happen with you all so far away. However, to you, it made things easier, as Lucas and Theo would stop making so many awful jokes about each other's clubs, only to join forces to diss your club even more afterward. Now the only connection you have to the clubs you all play for is the want for your sibling to win with them. And it is a great feeling. A welcome change of pace.

But no new change to your life felt as good as your blossoming "relationship", situationship, whatevership, you have with Jadon Sancho.

It all started with you flirting back and forth on social media, which turned itself into countless hours of DMs no one else could see. You congratulated his goals and he congratulated your wins. All the light-hearted teasing and the warm-hearted compliments stayed in your own little bubble. The only thing peeking out was your silly inside rule that if you were going to comment on a post, it had to be emojis only, stretching to a few words if you really couldn't help yourself - but it would earn you taunts from the other for the rest of the night.

Some eagle-eyed fans noticed how you'd been liking each other's posts every time they appeared for a while now, but it just added to the fun and thrill you got from flirting with him so much.

You weren't meant to be forming a bond with Jadon. He played for your brother’s rival. He was supposed to be the enemy. Someone you should dislike with a snap of your fingers. Certainly not a boy to fall for like you have.

You couldn't help yourself. Lucas and Theo had helped you since you moved to England by being the steady rocks they always were, cheering you on from afar. Your new teammates had helped you since you moved to England by introducing fun things for you all to do together and taking you under their wings. But Jadon had helped you in a different kind of way. He gave you a new kind of comfort and reassurance when you talked. He became someone to turn to with all your interesting news and your curious problems. He told you the good places to visit around the city that he remembered from his time there and taught you English slang to make your teammates laugh. You spoke three languages to varying degrees now, and you'd managed to pick up more German vicariously through Lucas in two years faster than Jadon had done living in Germany in four years, so you'd clue him into rude German phrases you had asked Lucas about, alongside the French and Spanish swear words he used more often than English ones now when you text. 

Even though a language barrier comes up once in a while, you have both learnt behaviours from each other and crave the contact you share. Jadon was starting to drop everything to send replies to you, a change his teammates have noticed and jokingly mock him for. Little did they know the unknown girl they joke he is smitten over is the sister of their rival.

Theo is the one in your family you usually tell about the boys you go out with; boyfriends and dates have been shared with him since you were 13 and doting on your first crush. He does the same with his girlfriends; asking advice and telling you more than you need to know at times. So, when you all went home for a bit of family time around Christmas, nothing could stop him from noticing the tell-tale signs that you had something going on. He already figured out through persistence that it was another player you were getting involved with, and his insistent questioning hasn't stopped in his search for who the player is.

But you keep it hidden from Lucas, and you don't know when you'll tell him. He has been your protector since you were kids, comforting you on sad nights when no one else was there, teaching you little secrets about how to navigate through the world, he even punched a boy who teased you once at school. The idea of telling him you were chatting romantically to another player would be trouble enough, but telling him it was a Dortmund player might just end up in another schoolground incident. You hadn't wanted Theo to know for fear he'd go dishing your dirt to Lucas, but he discovered it on his own and there was nothing you could do.

Who knows what might become of this thing you have with Jadon, and lord knows your eldest brother owns a hard as nails death stare that just might do Jadon in, but for now you actually quite like having the secret. A little mystery tucked away up your sleeve.

The rush you always get when Lucas calls your phone as you're typing a text to the Englishman,  feeling as though the first words from the other end will be shouts of how he knows everything and he'll never speak to you again for keeping it a secret, fills you with dread at times. But it never is the reason he calls, and it turns out he is just making plans or has something funny to tell you. But the way your heart thumps as you go back to texting Jadon, that is part of the chase you have to admit you enjoy.

Hardcore fans online have noticed the past few months that when you do interviews in English, the odd slang term comes up during jokes - terms you hadn't used before and stem more from London boroughs than northen towns - so speculation of how you'd learnt these things easily coincided with dating rumors.

Lucas had seen the speculation online; seen fans trying to put your interactions with the Dortmund player together through both your instagram stories and comments and the tweets you both had liked about the other. Lucas had even grown suspicious of the little questions you asked him about Germany, German phrases and his lifestyle there, not knowing why you would need nor want to know those things. But Lucas doesn't believe it. He knows that you know better to mix with a Dortmund boy.

Sometimes an older brother just doesn't get it quite right…

Soon, the chance will come to really see if your connection is something you can build on. Jadon's new signing with Manchester United has been confirmed and he will be moving back to England. It is a great opportunity to get to see him more often, rather than the odd rendezvous point or clandestine trip during small breaks in the season. You'll spend more time face to face instead of over the phone. You'll get to wake up in his bed and him in yours, without needing to sneak away from hotel rooms afterwards. You'll maybe even get to go on a proper date, just the two of you, where you can flirt across the table your joined hands rest upon. Hanging out with Jadon won't be the first time you've spent time together in person. However, getting a full day with only the two of you where you won't have to pretend you hardly know who he is, and you won't have to pretend your eyes aren't meeting across the group of people you're in - it fills your stomach with knots and butterflies.

A certain pressure has fallen off you now Jadon has no growing rivalry with Lucas, but not completely. You won't be able to take back the way their teams made the other feel in the past, but the fact there won't be more of it next season comforts you a little. The biggest thing that will hold you back from going public before the new season starts will be the media, but that is an issue you can't even begin to worry about yet. You are too caught up in the excitement of being in the same town as Jadon to care. Rumours are spinning crazier than ever about you two as some of your liked tweets about his move got reposted by sports pages and fan blogs - now joking about him being your rival instead of your brother's - and yet it didn't stop you, no longer all that bothered about keeping a low profile now you both will be living away from Lucas. If he gets mad, all he will be able to do is shout down the phone, and whilst you never want that to happen, you know the time to flourish with Jadon and capitalise on the foundation you have already built is better than ever, brothers be damned.

There are big changes coming for the both of you, yet one thing will remain the same no matter the outcome of your relationship. You can't quite stop being football rivals.

[with-love-anu]

Some tips to start a fandom blog (for writers)

Okay, before I begin I will like to say that I am no expert or am 100% sure these are bound to work. But these are some things I learnt over time that might help you out! 

1. Tagging posts.

This one is one of the most important points! You must tag everything properly for your content to actually reach as many people as possible. 

Do your research! Search up common/popular tags people use for the content you want to post and use them wisely. 

Use no more than 20 tags because tumblr will not show them up. When you post something, make a quick search of any of the tags you used and go to the recent section to see whether your post actually showed up. If not, try posting again.  

For new blogs- don’t start posting as soon as you make a blog. Your posts will not show up. Instead, reblog some content (gifs / moodboards / fanfiction etc) for a week or two along with tags! 

Tags I use for my fanfiction**:   #character full name   #character first name   #character full name fanfiction   #character full name x reader   #character full name x you   #character full name x y/n   #character first name x reader   #character first name x you   #fandom name   #side character full names (excluding oc)

**I’m currently writing for HP, Marvel etc. 

2. Taglists.

Now this is a tricky topic because there’s never a straight answer to this. I’ll just list down the some things I’ve learnt about taglists.

A long taglist does not equate to more number of notes. While taglists help your readers to be notified about your content, I know for a fact that it doesn’t mean everyone mentioned will interact with the post. Some might do, some might just leave a like while some might not read at all. 

Taglists work only when the people you tag, read and reblog and are actually active. Otherwise not so much. 

Tagging will take at least 10-15 minutes, copy pasting a taglist doesn’t work. You have to click on each individual user so tumblr tags them. While tumblr has updated by adding the filtering activity option, there is still a good chance that the person might not get the notification at all. 

Is there an alternative? Well, what I’ve done is that I’ve made a side blog. Whenever I post some new content- I reblog it over there. If people have the notifications on for that blog, they get notified whenever I post. It technically works the same way as taglists. 

Another thing you can do is submit the link to your post to @catching-the-train-to-hogwarts to be promoted to a large number of readers. PSA: Only for HP fandom.

3. Posting time.

Yes, this is important. Search up the time tumblr or the specific fandom is most active. Post during that time or a little later, so that people could see your works on their dashes. 

Schedule your timezone reblogs strategically. 

4. Interact.

Interact with your mutuals, with other writers. Comment and reblog their works and talk to them. Don’t be afraid to seek help or ask something if they welcome that- you are always free to send me asks. It’s better when people know you because that way it’s more likely that they’ll read and see your work. 

I am not telling you that anyone is bound to reblog your work because you do the same or the fact that they are your friends. I’m trying to say that sometimes a little support goes a long way. I wouldn’t be here if my mutuals didn’t help me out in the beginning.

5. Post format.

Okay so what I’ve found while searching and reading up fanfiction is that I personally was more likely to read a fanfiction with a summary and mentioned word count. 

Use a keep reading option or tag it with #long post. If your fanfiction is more than 1K words and/or contains nsfw/smut content- use that, it’s monotonous to see a wall of text on your dash. It’s the three dot box on a new line  adjacent to the insert gif in case you’re using the website. If you’re using the app, type :readmore: on a new line and press enter.

Use warnings. It is essential- mention it if there are none. 

6. Miscellaneous.

Participate in challenges. Enter in different challenges while making new content because one, it will give you exposure and two it will be great way to promote your work. 

If you’re starting a completely new blog, it’s better to have content made up in advance. Because firstly you need time so that tumblr recognizes that you’re not a bot so you’ll have to reblog posts for a week or two with appropriate tags. Then posting content consistently does give you a boost because more content (maybe at a gap of 3 days) means more followers, more people who read your works. 

When to make masterlists? People are usually quicker to follow when they see a masterlist made so it’s an advantage to make one when you’ve posted about 3-4 works. But if you make a masterlist later- after posting about 10-15 works, it will give you a boost in the activity because new users will be able to see your works and binge. The choice is upto you.

There are users who would say that it’s good to take as many requests as possible because it helps you grow. While it is true to some extend, I don’t find it to be useful. Because when I first begun, taking in all types of requests burnt me out and lowered my motivation because there were scenarios I didn’t relate with at all but still wrote them. The quality of my content decreased too. Again, it’s up to you.

I used to write headcanons during writing blocks. Headcanons are usually easier to deal with and not to mention the fact that they are fun. That way I could provide for more content and still not stress out.

Most of all, take it easy. It’s not your job- you are not supposed to create content every time. You, your health and happiness comes first. People will adore and love you even if you stop posting for months straight. Have fun, okay?

[yeojaa]

( ROSERAIE. )

What you had - so brilliant and beautiful and bright it was almost impossible to look at head-on - was what was tearing you two apart.  It was your love that would be your demise.  

pairing.  jjk x f!reader.

genre + rating.   my take on a hanahaki!au.  pretty heavy on the angst.  general.

tags / warnings.  mention of minor character death, breaking up, soulmates, angst, unrequited love, sick character (hanahaki), bittersweet, non-idol.

wc.  3.2k

beta reader(s).  my forever queens, @hobi-gif​ @snackhobi​!  you both bring such hope and joy (hahahaha) to my life!!!  and of course, the loveliest angels @joheun-saram​, @pars-ley​, and @ditttiii​ for reading through and giving me excellent feedback!

author note.  this is a part of @goldenclosetnetwork​‘s 23 | jungkook’s birthday project.  it’s my first time writing a hanahaki au so...  i have a lot of headcanons for it but i’m not sure whether it all came across in the story.  😰  eep.  anyway, please enjoy and feel free to leave any feedback.  i would love and appreciate it!  most importantly:  happy birthday, kook!  💖

Your parents were a young match.  Together from the tender age of eleven, they’d shared pieces of themselves readily, trading secrets in tree houses and blanket forts.  Nothing was held back - a childhood crush brought to life by playful ribbing and sugar-coated snacks.  Where your mother went, so did your father;  she was his light as much as he was her shadow.  Two halves of a destined whole, earnest and pure.  Friends first.  

It made perfect sense when they shared their dreams - the same one they’d had since they could remember - and it was identical:  swimming in the ocean with a faceless friend, families on their respective four and three-week long road trips.  They’d recognised each other immediately, felt the click the moment they stepped off the camper van.  Your father had called it cooties;  your mother said butterflies.

It didn’t matter that they’d never seen each other’s faces until that moment.  There was the spark.  Recognition.  The rest was history. 

Jungkook’s parents have been soulmates since the early 2000s.  His father had lost his wife - his first soulmate - exactly one year prior to their meeting.  He didn’t have his recurring dream until a fortnight before he met his wife.  Hadn’t expected it, either.  He’d been talking about his day in his local support group (it never got easier, he’d discovered) and he’d mentioned it in passing, glossing over the details of the vivid new pictures painted against his eyelids.  His second wife - his second chance - had attended after losing her son.  A complete chance.  Serendipitous. 

It wasn’t always simple, though.  The heartbreaking endings came just as often as the happy.  

There were people who lost their soulmates before even meeting them.  They’d never know they’d lost their first one until the next dream came - if it came.  If they were lucky enough.  

There were message boards and dating sites.  Places people stripped themselves bare and spilt their secrets to the world.  Desperate for love, they detailed their dreams and hoped that their other half was somewhere out there, reading those same words.  

Some, though, never found their special someone.  Life came at you fast and from all directions - or it never came at all, caught somewhere across the globe in the form of someone you’d never meet.  Those were the most painful circumstances, as if fate was cheating the system.  Here’s a love you know you have, but that you’ll never experience.  It was terribly cruel. 

(But when was life ever fair?)

There were stories about those that never found their puzzle piece and how it felt, whether it hurt.  Most said it was a quiet ache, something you never really noticed until you thought too closely about it, like a scar that had healed over or a loved one gone a long time.  Painful in an explicable way and only - luckily, miserably - softened by ignorance. 

Others spoke about it like death, missing an integral part of themselves.  It played a large part of their life, shaping and changing them with each passing day.  They couldn’t fully live without their person, even if they’d never met them.  It was simply the principal of the matter. 

You’d never quite existed in either camp.  You’d always wanted to find love but you hadn’t rushed it.  You figured you’d meet your happily ever after at some point.  Maybe at your work - caught between the shelves or returning an overdue book - or maybe out with your dog, walking the same route you took every day.  They’d show up one day.  You were sure of it. 

Love had a way of surrounding you. 

Your best friends - because of course the two of them would fall for each other (it was nauseating) - had found each other young too, on the grounds of the elementary school you all played on.  They’d been bonded since the beginning, secrets exchanged in art class and atop monkey bars.  You’d cheered them on the whole way, giddy in a way you couldn’t describe.  Being around it  felt like standing beneath the sun, scorching heat warming you all the way to the core.  It didn’t matter that you didn’t have it for yourself (yet). 

They’d come.  Eventually.  You felt it in your bones and later, you’d learn, in your shins.

He’d come around the corner fast as a bullet, headphones in and hood pulled over his head.  You’d barely have time to avoid him, poor coordination lending itself to disaster when only one of your feet would make it out of his path of destruction.  

BANG!  

It was something right out of a campy romance novel.  Guy goes jogging, runs headlong into his dearly beloved and nearly gives her a concussion.  He feels bad for her scraped knees and falls in love with her dog.  His morning runs become theirs and six weeks later, over a late night bite of contrasting gelato flavours - green tea for him, bubble gum for her - they fit the pieces together.

Jungkook’s the faceless boy you’d always dreamt of, one hand on the wheel, the other resting easily on your thigh.  He was the one with the slick black AppleWatch and long fingers.  You’d never imagined he’d be covered in ink, immaculate designs running the length of his forearm all the way back and across his shoulders.  In fact, you’d never thought about tattoos at all. 

You get your first and only one with him - intricate red looped around your wrists and over your pinkies.  Your own, very real string of fate, sealed and signed forever in rouge. 

He was your Prince Charming, your best friend, your bonafide soulmate.  You’d done everything together - skydiving, snorkelling, silly photos atop the Eiffel Tower.  He’d adapted to your distaste of onions and took them all, meticulously picking them out of stir fries and sauces until not a single sliver remained.  You’d learnt to tolerate his unbearably fast driving, white-knuckled and silent when he’d tear around corners too fast in a car too low. You fit perfectly, filling all the spaces he could never, keeping him whole even when he was broken.  

Your love was of fairy tales but it was better than that too.  Real.  Concrete.  Solid.

Until it wasn’t.    

The two of you had never had any other choice.

That’s what it feels like, at least.  He’d done his best - tried every little thing he could’ve possibly imagined - and it’d all amounted to nothing.  He’d gone through all the motions, explored every avenue, given everything he had.  It wasn’t working.  This thing he wanted with every fibre of his being, that he’d hoped for his whole life, just wasn’t working.  It wasn’t for him.

“I’m sorry,”  he cries, and he knows you know he means it.  You can read it between every line of his expression, tucked among the neatly scrawled india ink in faded red, underlining the passages you’d written together.  He is sorry.  He’d never meant to do this to you, nor you to him.  He’d wanted to give you it all - make all your hopes and dreams come true.

Sometimes, fate just had other plans.  

Because what the two of you had - so brilliant and beautiful and bright it was almost impossible to look at head-on - was what was tearing you apart.  It was your love that would be your demise.  

And he can’t bear to hurt the one he loves.  

He’d tried so hard.  Really, he had.  You had too, more than he ever deserved. 

There was simply no other option.  You’d always come up short.  You weren’t the one for him - not anymore - no matter how badly you wanted to be.  You weren’t the one meant for him.  You’d fumble for that ledge - held so impossibly high, just barely out of reach - before falling right back to where you began.  The bottom.  He couldn’t stand to see you there, brought to your knees once, twice, a hundred times.  

He’d lose count if not for the petals.

Little ones, at first.  Tiny pieces of silk you’d found on your pillowcase, outside the shower, in your water glass.  They’d been unassuming - reminders you could easily ignore.  

Then they’d grown, velvet softness that made it hard to breathe, that had him rubbing soothing circles over your skin, earnest vows winding like vines around your airways.  Neither of you had had any idea why it was happening.  You were soulmates - bound to each other and destined since the beginning.  Your love wasn’t unrequited. 

“We’ll figure it out,”  he’d said.  Sworn.  “We’ll get through this.”

Your heart had broken with each promise;  his had too, differently, but in perfect tandem.  

(Spring still came, steadily, with a rose garden blooming within your insides and freesias in your nose.) 

It wasn’t his fault.  You would never blame him, even when it was his fist that broke yours, splintered it into a million pieces that cut worse than the thorns in your lungs.  You knew this was just as hard for him.  He’d had to watch you wither away, even as a patchwork of flowers blossomed in the spaces he’d thought he could keep safe.  He hated it - could barely take it.  It kept him up all night, tears in his eyes.  Even when he slept - managed it, every few days - it’d prompt him awake in a cold sweat.

If he’d known then what had changed, maybe he could’ve fixed it sooner.  Maybe he could’ve saved you the heartache.  (Weeks later and during a coffee break with the new girl at his startup was not how he’d expected to find his answer.)

“I love you,”  you tell him, an ocean of sadness.  He loves you too, more than anything, more than there are stars in the sky.  He loves you with every part of himself - and yet he knows now that’s what’s causing this.  He loves you, but not in the right way.  Every touch he offers is wrong, leaving you bruised, broken, barely breathing.  It’s a disease - a venereal infection that seeps beneath skin and bone, settling within the marrow.  It changes you from the inside out, realigns your DNA until you’re mutated and miserable. 

The realisation is devastating:  his love causes more harm than it heals. 

So he stands there now, caught in the distance between you, eyes melancholy blue.  His composure is frayed, crippled beneath the weight of your circumstance.  He tries to memorise your face in these last moments - the colour of your hair, the shape of your stare.  How you sound in the morning - voice raspy with sleep, dust caught in your eyes.  The way you hold him close and the feeling of your eyelashes against his neck in the early hours.  

Jeon Jungkook doesn’t want this to end.  He doesn’t want to lose you, give you - this - up but he has to.  He has to, for you.  To give you a chance.  

Even after having so little - only five short years - you were about to lose the rest of your lives.  

You pack your bags - he helps, folding your favourite sweater (one of his, in truth) alongside your toiletries and undergarments - and you prepare to do the thing that you should never have to do.  You sign papers, dot I’s and cross T’s, and put all your treasured memories away into cardboard boxes to never be touched again.  You label them neatly and dress tape over edges;  Band-Aids meant to hold together the deepest wounds.

You’re going under by anaesthetic and he’ll be here, where he has everything he wishes he could give you.  A love he doesn’t deserve, within arms he wishes were yours. 

He wonders whether he’ll still feel the pull once it’s done or whether his heart will stay there, tucked somewhere beneath the dug up roots.  Whether it’ll be safe, undiscovered like a long lost treasure.  

It’s best this way.  He tells himself that - loops it on repeat until it’s the only thing he can think.  It has to be better.  For you, for you, for you. 

He knows he’ll carry you with him forever.  Like the air in his lungs, you’ll keep him going.  

He’s snapped back to the present, to the small hallway of the home you’d built together.  The traces of you are gone - all the photos hidden away, your row of shoes missing from beside his.  It’s strangely bare.  He knows it won’t last long.  She’ll be here next week.

Your hand pushes against his cheek, thumb caressing along the seam of his bottom lip, right where the freckle sits.  He’s a thief - a criminal, a sinner - when he dips his head, presses back into the warmth of your palm.  This isn’t for him to take but he does anyway, eagerly and with deep regret. 

“I love you.”  Your voice cuts through all the white noise and agony - a beacon in the night, guiding him home.  

He smiles, half-hearted and weak and not even his.  Every part of him screams at him to beg you not to do it, to accept him for the man he is - lost and weak and sorry.  He almost drops to his knees - fights tooth and nail against his aching limbs not to - and brings a hand to yours.  The red threads looped around your wrists fit perfectly together, the ends of inked rope caught around your pinkies matching when his fingers slot between yours. 

Don’t do this, he pleads, without words or hope. 

“I’ll love you forever,”  you tell him - promise like he had you.  “You’ll always be the brightest star in my sky, Jeon Jungkook.”

He almost cracks - seams near splitting, adhesive tearing from skin - when you return his smile and he can see how hard it is.  You’re already broken, all the pieces of your puzzle in terrible disarray. 

You’re trying, for him. 

“I’m so sorry,” he answers, because that is kinder than an I love you that doesn’t mean what you need it to.  Because you deserve better - you deserve it in the same way you mean it. 

So he’ll let you leave and he’ll pray this isn’t the worst decision of his whole life.  

“I’ll see you.”  

He hopes so.  He can’t bear the idea of losing you again.  He doesn’t think even she could fix him if he had to. 

“Be safe,”  he whispers, in a voice that stutters your stare and shatters what little resolve you have left.  He sees it in your eyes - all the crystallised parts of your composure turned to ash.  He wishes he could be sorry.  He’s not.  

“I love you,”  you repeat with an air of finality. 

Jungkook does the same:  “I’m sorry.” 

You leave, ushered into the back of your mother’s tiny sedan.  She helps you with your bags and your seatbelt, rubbing your shoulder carefully when baby’s breath slips past your lips and falls all over your lap.  She meets his stare when she climbs into the driver’s seat.  He tries to read her expression.  Understanding?  Resentment?  Gratitude?  

The car pulls away with a groan, disappearing down the tree-lined street.  Jungkook stands in the doorway for far longer than he should.

He’s moved on - settled down with the girl of his dreams.  Literally.  

She’s nothing like you, sarcastic and stubborn with a staunch refusal to ever come second best.  She laughs maybe a bit too loud, giving him shit when he orders in another car part.  She’d eat an onion raw, if she could, and takes showers hot enough to slough the skin from her bones.  They have a home together and in a year’s time, he thinks he’ll propose.  He’s not in any rush, though, because he knows she’s his forever.  

(Knows it, even though you’d once been that same shining star to him.  He has to believe it won’t happen again.  Life can’t screw someone twice, right?  Lightning never strikes the same spot or something like that?)

Still, he tries to forget the feeling of you.  

It isn’t as hard as he’d thought it would be.  The love exists as it always has, just differently, in the palm of his hand and not the space behind his ribs.  You’re his best friend and he is disgustingly, unbelievably lucky.  

He’d gotten his second chance.  Even if he’d once resented it, he had everything now.  

You still go for your morning runs and he still changes your oil because you’d never learnt how to.  His parents invite you for Sunday dinners;  you’re gracious enough to decline them.  You don’t see it as pity - you just don’t want to intrude.  (It isn’t your place any longer.)  You accept all the changes readily, without regret.  You promise you’ll go by one day.  

Your parents never speak to him.  He doesn’t blame them.  At the supermarket, on the street, in passing when he’s coming and they’re leaving - it’s radio silent.  

It’s been six months and you haven’t dreamt at all.  They’d hoped - prayed - that you’d find someone new after him, someone to treat you right.  You don’t mind, you tell them.  I’ll meet my special eventually, you say (again, again).

He wonders whether you resent them for it - their concern, perhaps a bit overbearing and offered with a heavy hand.  If you do, you say nothing, playing along each time they suggest you meet another friend’s son, another junior at your father’s accounting firm.  You don’t understand the sad way they watch you. 

“I’m sorry,”  he mumbles one night, seated at the neighbourhood cafe you’d frequented on your first date.  Your idea, because you loved coffee and, in your old words, this was your place.  The start of it all, where he’d knocked you hard onto pavement and stolen your heart in the process.

You don’t remember it now.  Not in the same way. 

This is somewhere you come for their great matcha lattes, where you waste a few too many evenings when you just want to get out of the house.  It isn’t the place he’d told you he loved you or where you’d resolved your first fight.  

(It’d been stupid.  He’d forgotten to pick up groceries for your first dinner with your parents.  You’d been so stressed you’d snapped at him, carrying tension into the rest of the evening.  He’d apologised with an almond croissant and your favourite green drink.)  

It’s like a wall has gone up, splitting your heart in two.  The part of you that’d once been Jungkook’s remains out of reach, caught behind a gate neither of you have the key to.  

“For what?”  You quip, a milk moustache presenting itself over the rim of your mug.   

Jungkook shrugs.  He can’t make you understand.  “Y’know,”  he mumbles into his red bean mochi bun.  It sticks to his teeth and coats them in soft white flour.  “Just— everything.”  It’s not enough, either as an explanation or an apology.  It falls terribly short, barely worthy of a participation trophy.  

“It’s fine.”  You say it every time, clockwork in response to the same apology he always gives - out of the blue and vague.

“No, but I’m—”

You level him with a glare.  It might’ve hurt once but now it settles like a scolding from a sibling.  He reminds himself this is how it should be, you there and him here - two parallel lines.  

The guilt never goes away. 

tag list.  @neverthefirstchoice​​ @youwannabelostandnotbefound​​​ @snackhobi​​

[mayraki]

“A mermaid’s tale”

jj x reader

not my gif! credits to the owner.

summary: you managed to keep your secret safe. until a boy gets in danger and you have to save his life.

note: I recently watched the old show h2o just add water and I wanted to do this for my young self. If you haven’t watched that iconic show just DO IT. some of you may think this is childish but I don’t give a fuck. hope you enjoy!

MASTERLIST

Having to hide a secret like this wasn’t easy. Especially if you were surrounded by the thing that would make you grow a giant tail; water. Yes, you were a mermaid. Not like the ones you saw in movies, were it had white eyes and ugly skin, and would make men go into their deaths. It was just you, with a tail coming out of your waist. It was a beautiful color of dark orange and it would go perfectly with a bra that would come out as well.

You had to deal with this since you were twelve years old on your old town. When just a funny joke about going to investigate this scary island, turned into what it would be the rest of your life.

From that moment on, it was you against the world. You couldn’t trust anyone with something like this. Not even your own parents, you didn’t know what it could happen to you if they found out. Maybe end up dissected, or a scientific project. You didn’t want to found out.

So you kept it a secret. Wasn’t easy, but you managed to keep this magical thing that has happend to you all to yourself. Sometimes it felt like it was too much, and you needed to talk about it and have someone to go for help when you needed it. Little did you know, this was going to change after an awful accident in your new town, Outer Banks.

Your dad got a new job as a fisher man and you had to move and leave the place that was your home. Where it started all. But you had no choice, and start a new life.

You had to be honest, carrying a thing like this to a new place was eating you inside. You were extremely nervous. On your last home, you knew all the beaches and the ones that were less populated. Where you could go and dive in with no one watching you. You had a place to escape. But you didn’t knew anything about this Outer Banks, and that, made you terrified.

You saw the welcoming sign and you sighed. Let’s see how this goes.

~

You promised yourself to not go into the water until you knew it was safe. Every day was a beautiful one, the sun was shining and you couldn’t wait to turn into a mermaid again and investigate this new waters. But you didn’t knew the places people took their botes, where people fished, so you had no choice and keep yourself away from the ocean.

You learnt a lot since you came here. The were two sides, the figure eight, where the rich people were. And the cut, where the ‘normal’ people where. You thought where you stood, and after having an awful conversation with an arrogant rich kid, you thought that they weren’t your people, so you decided to stay and hang out at the cut.

“Sweetheart, why don’t you go for a swim on the beach?” Your mom said with a smile. “Maybe you can meet some people there and make some friends.”

You nodded with a smile and saw the opportunity to investigate the beaches. There was some of them that you still haven’t visited yet. You knew your mom was letting you go and miss work with your father because she wanted you to make friends. But you were a loner. Back in your old town, you had one friend. But after she moved out, you didn’t want to make any new. You had this new life and you had to learn how to control the powers you had before letting anyone in your life. That’s when you became a loner and figure it was going to make it easier keeping the secret if you were alone.

As soon as your feet touched the sand you closed you eyes enjoying the air that was blowing in your face. You were far from the tourists and the surfers, far from everyone. You walked into some rocks and let your back rest on a big one. You looked at your surroundings and smiled when you noticed no one was around. You wanted to go into the water so much that you couldn’t control your smile and the happiness you were feeling.

The water got close to you feet when the ocean moved and you let your feet play with the sand. You were about to walk into the water but some voices behind you stopped you. Three guys where walking towards the water with surfing boards next to their bodies. You sighed and then walked backwards, to avoid any water touching your skin.

You sat down on the sand far from the edge of the ocean and you watched the guys leaving their surfing boards on the water and getting on top of them. You remembered the way the water would hit your face and you smiled. You missed it so much. But you couldn’t, not until it was safe.

You got lost in your thoughts and the memories, that you didn’t noticed the boys were out of the water and some steps away from you. You noticed the drops of water dripping from their bodies and a sudden waive of panic came into your body. You got up quickly and that made you lose a little bit of balance, making you take a step forward and ending more closer to one of the guys.

The guy that you had in front of you turned his head to you and furrowed his eyebrows when you took a step backwards in full panic.

“Are you ok?” He asked taking a step closer to you but you walked backwards.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You nodded with a smile and then turned away, walking away from the beach.

~

The next day was cloudy and you smiled to yourself when you saw the sky on your window. Clouds meant less people on the beach, and less people on the beach meant more time for you to enjoy a good swim.

You walked to the beach you went yesterday and you smiled when you noticed there was no one around. There was rain coming, and the waves were more stronger and going on a faster speed than the day before. Those were totally not good waves to surf... meaning, no surfing boys.

You ran to the rocks you were at yesterday and you took the moment to appreciate the feeling. You loved the moments before going into the ocean, that feeling of something great was coming. You took a sept forward and the water touched your feet. You smiled and then ran deeper into the ocean before lifting your arms above your head and going full body into the ocean.

Ten seconds later, you felt a tingling feeling in your legs and a full mermaid tail appeared. You smiled and a wave of happiness went through your body.

You swam and you swam. You missed it so much that you didn’t know how much time had passed since you came into the water. Your hair was doing beautiful waves when you moved and you enjoyed the feeling of it touching your face. You went into the bottom of the ocean and touched the sand, wich it went upwards and you started to play with it.

You looked up and you noticed it had started to rain. You went to the surface and you felt the rain drops touch your head. You closed your eyes and enjoyed the feeling, when you heard someone go into the water. Your heart started to beat faster and you wanted to go away swimming, but the fact that you still didn’t know the waters, you didn’t know where you could end up. So you swam into the rocks and hide behind them.

You sighed and cursed at the wind for your ruined moment. You watched the guy stand on his surfing board and you furrowed your eyebrows. What he was doing was extremely dangerous. But it seemed like he knew what he was doing and he was good at it. You watched his every move and you found yourself get lost in his moves, but then he fell from his board and you lost him in the waters.

He didn’t came back up after going into the water and a wave of worry came into your body. You could see his board but he was nowhere to be seen. That’s when you saw him far away from his board and deeper into the ocean. His head was going up and under the water. The waves were throwing him down and deeper into the ocean. He was going to drown if someone didn’t helped him. You looked around and no one was near the beach. Not even on the street. There was not other choice, you had to save him.

Without hesitation, you quickly swam to him and you saw his body trying to go up into the surface. He couldn’t see you, so you turned to his board and you moved your hand, making the water move and the board go close to the boy. You saw him grab it but the waves were too strong that they were pushing him away from it. So much, that the board went away and you lost it into the ocean.

The guy was now struggling even more and he wasn’t able to stay up in the surface. You had to get closer to him and have a better view of him. As deeper as you got, the water was pushing you away and you couldn’t swim to him. You moved your hand and you tried to keep the water around you more calmly. When you were closer to him, luckily, he was looking the other way and you stopped controlling the water around you so you could push him into shore, but as soon as you stopped, the water went wild. You took control of it again and it stopped. You had to grab him and get him into the calm circle of water you had created around you. He was going to see you, but if you wanted to save him, it was a risk you had to take.

As you started to swim to him, the water made him turn to you and as soon as he layed eyes on you, he widen his eyes with surprise and fear at the same time. You moved closer to him and grabbed his arm, making him get next to your body and pulled him into the surface.

You used your strength and swam with him to the shore. Your body touched the sand and you noticed the boy coughed a few times and got up quickly watching you and your tail with panic.

“What the fuck, man?!” He asked in panic. He didn’t know what to do. He was still processing the fact that he almost drowned and a mermaid just saved his life.

“You can’t tell this to anyone!” You said to him.

“You can talk?” He asked surprised but with the same tone of panic on his voice. He felt like he was going insane.

“Promise me you won’t tell!” You said again.

He stood there and then nodded after calming himself a little bit.

You locked eyes with him and you turned around using your arms, you didn’t want to face the fact that a boy just saw you as a mermaid, and you made yourself go into the water once again.

~

You opened your eyes and you prayed that the memories of the day before were just a nightmare, but unfortunately, it was all true. You got up from your bed and watched the sun shine through your window.

You decided that you had to talk with that boy and be sure he was going to keep your secret. There was no way you could escape from that.

“What are the plans for today?” You mom asked you when she handed you a cup of tea.

“I’ll probably go to the beach.” You said with a smile and took a sip from your mug.

“Great! But don’t be late this afternoon. We are helping your dad with what he caughts.” You nodded and once you finished your tea, you got change and headed to the beach you were yesterday.

You sat down and waited for the blonde boy. You didn’t knew where to look for him, so the beach was the only option for now.

After a couple of minutes, you saw him walking with a girl. They were talking playfully and you walked up to them. Once you were closer, the girl locked eyes with you and gave you a little smile. The boy turned to you and once he remembered you, he took a step back and widen his eyes.

“JJ, are you ok?” The girl asked concerned after watching the boy.

“Yeah, yeah.” He said quickly and then tried to keep himself calmly and not look suspicious.

“Hey, can we talk?” You asked him and after hasitating, the guy called JJ nodded.

“I’ll see you later, then.” The girl gave you two a final smile and then walked away.

“If you want to know I haven’t told anyone.” JJ said quickly and you sighed in relieved.

“Thank you.” A smile appeared on your face.

“Well, you did saved my life. I owe you that.” He locked eyes with you but then moved to your legs.

“I know you have a lot of questions.” JJ nodded looking back at you. “You can ask, but I need you to promise me that you’ll never say anything about this. No one knows.”

“No one?” He asked surprised and you shook your head. “Your parents?”

“No, only me.” He nodded and then took a time to think. “You promise?”

“Yeah, I promise. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here, so...” he let out a little smile and you looked down. You didn’t know that to say, you haven’t dealt with anyone knowing your secret so this was new for you and you couldn’t find the right words.

You always panicked when your secret was in danger, but for some reason, there was feeling inside of you telling your that could trust him. Even if you two just met. He seemed the type of person to care about people and you liked that.

And not to mention he is kinda cute.

Wait... did I just thought that?

“How about, we go to a more private place?” JJ asked when a couple of surfers walked into the beach.

You nodded. “Where?”

“I know the perfect place, c’mon.” He turned around and you followed him.

“My name’s Y/n, by the way.” You said with a smile and he locked eyes with you. Your stomach turned and you got confused at your body’s sudden reaction.

“Nice to meet you, I’m JJ.” He handed his hand for your to shake and you took it with a smile.

Maybe, this was the start of something good.

***

PART 2

I swear, my ten year old self is so excited right now. I’m thinking I could do a short series...🤔 let me know if you liked it and if you want a part two!

[weasleydream]

Without you

Hey guys! Here we are for my first song fic, based on Without You - Ashes Remain (I have an obsession with this song!) Be careful, mention of deaths. Also, there is a little Supernatural reference because this show is all my life, 10 points to your house if you find it!  Enjoy!

Masterlist

Gif is not mine (found here)

Underneath the cold November sky

I'll wait, for you

It’s the first time in months there isn’t any cloud in the sky. I can see the stars, all of them. I remember how much you love - no, you loved the stars. You were always amazed, and you used to tell me that each star is a sun and is the link between several planets. You always had that sparkle in your beautiful eyes, that sparkle I want so bad to see once more. 

Today should have been your 25th birthday. Usually, we would spend the night together, doing whatever would pass in your that pretty head of yours. Most of the time, you insisted that we should go outside and watch the stars. Before that, when we were still at Hogwarts, we would sneak into the kitchen and we would bring back to the dorms a lot of cakes and sweets. I remember the way you always looked above your shoulder, because you were afraid we would get caught. Remember what I had told you, back there? 

“I promise nothing will happen to you, Y/N.”

Looks like I failed, because today should have been your birthday, and you should have dragged me outside to watch the stars. Instead, I’m alone, sitting outside as my head is turned toward the sky. I can’t help but hope that somewhere, anywhere, you’re also looking at the stars and missing me the way I miss you. 

As the pages of my life roll by

I'll wait, for you

You know, Mum wanted me to go back to Romania. She thought it could help me. But she doesn’t understand… Nothing could help me, nothing except knowing where you are. They say you aren’t there anymore. It’s been months since the war, and way too much pages of my life had been turned without your name written on it. One page per day, so many useless stories, because they are not complete if you’re not here. 

I’ve tried. For Mum. For George, because he’s as broken as I am. For you. I’ve tried and I’ve been to Romania. But there wasn’t a place I could see without seeing you. And when I went to my flat… I saw you everywhere. Curled up on the bed. Waiting for me in the bathtub. Sitting on the worksurface. 

The memories were too much, too painful, because they were just memories. I couldn’t touch you, and you couldn’t talk to me, and I couldn’t tell you how fucking much I missed you. I still miss you. I just ran away. 

I'm so desperate just to see your face

I’m afraid. God, I’m terrified. What if I forget you face? I dread the day your features will fade in my head. Your sweet face, beautiful face, where the embarrassment or my kisses would make appear the cutest blush. Your face that seems - seemed so peaceful when you slept, with only the littlest smile on your lips. The face that could be so determined when someone you loved was threatened. Was your expression that determined during the battle? 

It hurts. It hurts so much, yet I can’t help but imagine you, in the middle of the spells, with your eyes blazing and your anger burning. In a way, it reassures me, because I see every little detail of you that made you so perfect. Now, my memories are the only way for me to see you, because you’re not here with me anymore. Why does it have to be that painful? 

Meet me in this broken place

I can’t wait to see you at the Burrow. This thought has found its place in my head, but deep down, I know you won’t come back. You know, the Burrow isn’t anymore what it was before. Do you remember the time where it was full of life? Full of laughters? This time has disappeared when Fred died, when you… 

It’s no longer the same. Nothing is the same. Mum isn’t the same, George isn’t the same, I am not the same. Nothing, no one. We’re all grieving. We’re all suffering. Even the house. It seems as broken as us, as broken as me. 

But I’m still sure this is the place where we’ll meet again, my love. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

It’s not even a wish, or a desire. It’s a need. I need you. I can’t go on if you’re not with me. It has always been the same, you and I, together, always. But now, I’m alone in this darkness, I’m alone underneath the sky. I can’t do this. I want you. I need you. I need to feel your arms, your hands, your lips, you. I need to kiss you, to touch your hair, to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I need you to hold me because I’m scared, I need you to hold me because that would mean you’re here with me, and there’s nothing I want more. There’s nothing I need more. I need you. 

Show me how

To make it new again

I think I’m going crazy. I just wait for some sign you might send me, everything. The lightest breeze makes me think of you, what if it’s you? What if you try to tell me something? What if you’re really gone? Too many what if. They are too painful. I can’t stand them. It’s unbearable, not knowing anything. Not knowing where you are. Not knowing if I can hope, or if everything is over. Too hard. 

I would give everything I have to erase everything and see you again for the first time. You remember? How scared you were just before the Quidditch tests. This habit you have-had, you always triturated your hands, and looked at your feet. I remember the blush on your cheeks when I told you you were skilled. I remember your genuine smile when you learnt you had been accepted in the team. I remember all of these things, and my heart hurts so much because these times are far from us, far from me. You are far from me. How? How can I go back to these times? How can I escape the pain? How can I see you? 

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

They have told me I’m not alone. My family. They have told me they were here for me, as much as they are here for George. But they can’t understand, no one can understand, in the same way as no one can understand George. They haven’t been through this. This pain, this hopelessness. They don’t know. I can’t do anything, I feel so useless. You missing is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. And it’s completely my fault. They have told me that it’s not but once again, they don’t know. 

I didn’t want you to fight in this war. I wanted you to stay safe, but you wouldn’t listen to me, and I gave up. I was selfish, because I thought I would be able to protect you. How could I be so idiot? It cost you your life, for God’s sake. Your life. Because everyone thinks you’re… They think you’re dead. And it destroys me. Because if it’s true, it means that I won’t see you ever again, and I can’t do anything about it. 

I'm nowhere if I'm here

Without you

They say that your home is where your heart use to be. You were my home. My heart was and will always be with you. I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts. And I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I’m so lost without you. We had always been together, for every step, for every trial, you were always here with me. But this war has separated us, and you’re not here anymore. I feel so alone. I’m alone, and I’m lost. I don’t know anymore who I am, because I feel like you’ve always been part of my life, and I don’t know anymore where I am, because you’re not next to me anymore. 

Even if you take it all away

I'll wait, for you

Even when the light begins to fade

I'll wait, for you

As much as it breaks me, I can’t think about anything else. You are the only one in my head and in my heart, the only one I will ever love. I don’t care if I stay under the stars every night, I don’t care if my eyes are closed every day if it brings me closer to you. I could sacrifice all my life, everything I have just to be with you. They will eventually tell me I have to move on, that everyone who suffers do it, but I won’t be able to. How could I? You have always been stronger than me. I can’t do it without you, but you’re not here with me anymore. 

The most painful is the little light that remains in my heart. The light that brings me hope, the light that tells me that no one has seen your body. Why would you be gone? They tell me that you’re not here anymore, but they haven’t any proof. I know this hope is insane, and it’s painful. But it’s acting like a lighthouse in the storm. Maybe if I follow the light, I will find you. 

No. Deep down I know it. It won’t bring me anywhere. But I promise you, my love, even when this last little light will fade, I won’t stop coming under the stars waiting for you. 

I'm so desperate calling out your name

Meet me in this broken place

Everyone is worrying for George and for me. We’re together in the grief. We mourn our loss together. Most of the time, we’re in Fred and George’s old room and we drink and we cry. Then we sleep. It’s a vicious circle. The more I sleep, the more I see you, I imagine you suffering, crying for help. That’s usually when I wake up, my heart a little more broken and my throat sore because I scream your name. All I can do is grab a bottle of Firewhiskey and drink. It helps me dealing with everything. 

Usually, when she hears me scream, Mum rushes into the room, she hugs me and lets me cry in her arms. It destroys her, seeing her sons like this, I know it does, and I feel guilty but I can’t do anything. I’m defenseless in front of these waves of pain, in front of these horrible nightmare and my own weakness. We use to spend our days in the dark. This way, it’s a little easier to follow the light in my heart, even if it brings me closer to my destruction. 

You know, finally, maybe the Burrow isn’t broken. It’s not the same, yes, but it stands in the middle of this unbearable sorrow. Maybe I am the broken one. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

Show me how

To make it new again

The worst is that I never got to see you again. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to kiss you one last time, to hold your hands and stroke your hair. I never got to remember you how much I love you, because the battle had separated us, and I couldn’t reach you. You were out of my sight, and I was unable to find you. No one could find you. You weren’t in the Great Hall, and my foolish heart told me you were okay. But there were witnesses… Too much persons, old friends or professors, that told me they saw you being killed. I didn’t trust them. It was impossible, how could you be gone?

The awful truth sank in me when Bill pulled me in his embrace, when he whispered into my ear “I saw her. I’m sorry, Charlie…”. My heart broke at this exact moment, and since, I can’t help but think about you. Sometimes, when I’m asleep, I feel your arms around me and these few moments are the only ones bringing me some peace, because I can pretend you’re still with me. 

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

I'm nowhere if I'm here…

Everyone grieves someone. After the worst day of our lives, everyone suffers. No one can sleep, no one is able to stop the tears. And I blame myself for not being here for my siblings and my parents when they mourn Fred. But I can’t, I can’t help myself, my heart is too broken, I’m too obsessed, I’m unable to do something else. I cry. I scream. I drink. And I watch the stars. 

You know, without you, my love, I’m homeless. I’m just a poor boy who just lost the love of his life, I’m an almost dead boy who can’t do anything but suffering. 

I'm tired, of running

And wrestling with these angels

It’s been months and I still can’t get over your death. I still don’t know how to cope with the constant pain in my body and my heart, I don’t know how to wipe the tears of my face, I don’t know how to make your name sound less painful when I scream. 

I don’t know how to accept the fact that I’ll never see you again. 

It hurts. 

It hurts so much. 

I feel like I’m slowly dying. I use all my energy to cry and to remember you. Nothing Mum prepares tastes good anymore. I just don’t see why I should live. You didn’t have this chance, why would I?

But it seems that something tries to keep me alive. Mum, of course, but not just her. Almost as if there were angels by my side, angels I try desperately to fight, but what if you are among them? 

I lay down

My life and I surrender

This thought doesn’t even comfort me anymore. You’re here, but I can’t see you, I can’t touch you. I want to be by your side. I want to join you. I want to be with you. I need it. So when I feel like you’re next to me, I grab a bottle of Firewhiskey and drink it. This way, I can almost feel you in my arms. I can almost see your beautiful eyes. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

Show me how

To make it new again

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

I can’t do it by myself. I need you to help me. I need to see the light once more, because the darkness that invades me is too much to bear. I am completely in the dark, now. It’s too late. The angels have lost their battle, I’ve lost mine, it’s over. 

I’m closer to you than I’ve been these past few months. We’re closer to the stars that you love so much. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

Show me how

To make it new again

There’s no one I can run to 

And nothing I could ever do 

I’m nowhere if I’m here

Without you

I’m sorry, Mum, I love you, I love all of you, but I promise I will be happy now.

Because I'm with her.

[amythedvdhoarder]

Protection - Part 4

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warning: Angst, fluff and slight smut

Summary: Bucky cannot bear that Y/N was hurt because of him. He has to find a way to keep her safe. Forever

Word Count: 3.6K

Author’s Notes: GIF not mine. Apologies for any errors. This one is a little longer, building up to mature themes in part 5. Please feel free to let me know what you think, any comments welcome. Let me know if you want tagging.

series masterlist

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An arm tightened around your waist as you started to shift in your bed. Considering you had been screaming in the middle of the night, you felt well rested. The warmth pressed up behind you brought a grin to your face. Bucky was still there, he hadn’t left you. You sighed, wishing that both of you could stay like that forever. “Morning doll”, you turned within Bucky’s arms to face him. “Morning Buck” you replied. You couldn’t remember waking up and being greeted by a better sight. His blue eyes were soft as they examined your face, a smile forming on his lips.

You reached out you hand to some of the loose hair that had fallen across his cheek, tucking it neatly behind his ear. “How are you feeling Y/N?” The genuine concern in his voiced made your stomach flutter. You waited a few seconds before answering, you didn’t want to give away your emotions. “I’m alright, thanks for staying with me last night Bucky.”  You meant it as well, you couldn’t believe how nice he had been. You two were close but you had never shared a bed. You had fantasised about waking up wrapped in Bucky’s strong arms, chest pulled tightly against your back and breath tickling at your neck. Had Bucky ever thought about that?

He had kissed you last night. You wondered if it had been done out of sympathy or whether it had meant something. It had meant something to you. Maybe he had only done all of this because he was returning the favour for all the times you had comforted him after his nightmares. 4 months ago, he had woken you up in the middle of the night screaming, you had rushed next door to see Bucky thrashing around on his bed. You had learnt the best way to calm him down was by talking to him and gently rubbing a hand up and down his arm. He had woken up one night whilst you were doing this and you ended up talking for the rest of the night in the kitchen over a hot chocolate.  After then the frequency of his nightmares had begun to settle down .Until a month ago. After you had been injured he seemed to have nightmares every night. You would stay on the armchair in his room sometimes after he had a nightmare, just to make sure he got some proper sleep, but you always left before he woke up, or so you thought.

Bucky sensed you getting nervous, he watched as your eyes moved sided to side, a battle waging inside your head. He moved his arm away and started to sit up, giving you space. You too sat up slowly, you looked at a loose thread on your bedcover, wrapping it tightly around your index finger, you couldn’t look at him. Doubt casted a shadow over your memories of last night. He just felt sorry for you, you didn’t want to pressure him staying here with you longer than he wanted. Without looking at him you mumbled “Bucky, if you want to leave you can. I’m alright now. I wouldn’t want anyone teasing you for being caught leaving my room.”

You wanted him to stay but only if it was his choice. It was easier to give him permission to reject you, maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. You didn’t want for him to have to explain why he was leaving your room to anyone, you were friends, good friends but surely, he wouldn’t want people to assume you two were anything more. He was way out of your league and people would pass comment, you didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable around the others.

Bucky stretched out his arm, placed his hand gently under your chin, turning you to face him. You kept your gaze low, you couldn’t bare to look at him. “Y/N look at me” Stubborn as ever you didn’t meet his gaze. “Y/N look at me, please. I need you to look at me and tell me you want me to leave” he was pleading with you now. You bit you bottom lip and forced yourself to meet his eyes. You could see pain, confusion and a nervousness you hadn’t seen before. “Do you want me to leave? If you do then I will but if you don’t then…” His voice trailed off, blue eyes searching yours for any hint of a response.

You moved forwards and placed you lips on his. You expected him to pull back but he didn’t. He laced his fingers through your hair and pulled you closer to him deepening this kiss. “I don’t want you leave” you breathed against his mouth. Bucky moaned in response, continuing to assault your lips with his. Moving your body around you straddled his hips. His tongue licked your lips lightly seeking entry. You parted your lips and both tongues began fighting for dominance. Neither of you could get enough. His hands travelled down your back and crept underneath your tank top, taking a firm hold of your hips pulling to closer to him. Feeling brave you moved your hands up the back of his neck, finding the band keeping his hair tied back and pulled it off, burying your fingers into his hair. You could feel him getting hard underneath you hot core. You ground your hips down onto him and he let out an animalistic growl as you built up some friction between you. You peppered kisses along his jaw and he found the sweet spot just below your ear. You let out a gasp as he continued to suck and nibble at the sensitive skin. You pulled his mouth back to yours, wanting to taste him again. He let out a low moan and moved his hand further up the skin of your back. Both of you had no idea how long you were like this but you eventually pulled away from each other gasping for breath.

“Y/N” Bucky panted, “I love you, in fact I don’t think I could be more in love with you if I tried”. You leaned back, still on his hips, to look into his eyes. You searched the blue depths; you could see the same glint in his eyes as you had last night. You finally understood. “Bucky, I love you too”. You moved back towards him and placed a slow, tender kiss on his lips. He returned the kiss and chuckled against you lips, pulling apart again. He ran a hand down your cheek, then lifted you off his lap, surreptitiously placing you back on your bed. You mewled at the loss of contact and he placed a sweet kiss on your forehead. “Believe me doll I really want to continue this but we need to get ready”. You sent a questioning look his way as he started to get up. “Why?”. “Because Y/N, we are off on a date”. “Seriously Buck, we have known each other for ages, hell we spend everyday together.” He couldn’t argue with that surely. “I know Y/N but this is different, I can finally stop hiding how I feel about you and show everyone you’re mine.  

“Not quite sure we officially agreed on that you know.” He pounced on you and attacked your mouth with his, there was a desperation about this kiss. Your arms quickly moved around him, holding him to you. You couldn’t think. He pulled away and looked at you before it could get more heated. “What was that Y/N?”. You licked your lips trying to get a hint of his lingering taste. “Alright Bucky, you got me, I’m yours. Always have been, always will be.” He sent you a massive grin, a triumphant look plastered all over his face. “I told you last night Y/N, you’re stuck with me forever.”

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Bucky left you to get showered and changed. He wouldn’t tell you exactly what he had planned but told you to dress casually and comfortable. Drying your hair, you looked into the mirror. You couldn’t remember a time when you had felt happier. Your pink lips still a little swollen from earlier, a blush swept onto your face as you smiled at the memories of Bucky telling you he loved you. It was like a dream you never wanted to wake up from. You drew your hair up into a messy bun, and routed through your wardrobe, settling on some cropped black skinny jeans and a loose white t-shirt. Just as you were lacing up your vans, there was a knock on the door “come in” you yelled. Bucky walked in with a grin plastered over his face. “You nearly ready doll?”. You finished with the lace on your right trainer and stood up, grabbed your khaki jacket and walked over to him. You reached up and placed a quick kiss to his lips, wrapped your arm around his waist and looked into his eyes. He looked amazing, as always. His hair like yours, pulled into a bun, his at the nape of his neck. He had dark denim jeans on that hugged him in all the right places, it took a lot for you not to run your hands over him. He had opted for a dark navy cotton shirt, rolled up at the sleeves. “You gonna tell me where we are going yet Barnes?”  you poked teasingly at his chest. “Nah, this is too fun. I want it to be a surprise.”

Bucky took your hand and lead you out of your room. Your fingers intertwined with his, you sighed. “You ready for this doll?” Bucky said at you as you approached the shared kitchen and lounge. You nodded, tightening your grip on his hand. As you walked through into the kitchen Nat, Sam and Bruce were sat having a chat over breakfast. Tony was at the coffee machine, you looked up to see Bucky was ginning down at you. You beamed back at him as he stroked his thumb over you hand. “Oh my God. Y/N, Bucky I am so happy for you.” You hadn’t spotted Wanda on the sofa but she ran at you and enveloped you in a big hug “I knew it” she whispered in your ear. Sam had stood up and patted Bucky on his shoulder “About time man.” Bucky looked slightly embarrassed at this, had it really been that obvious to everyone. He didn’t care really, he had the girl he loved and for some inexplicable reason you loved him back. He felt like he was on cloud nine.

Your hands found each other again, both of laughing at everyone’s reactions. “You owe me 50 bucks Tony.” Nat called to Tony. Tony had stayed quiet during everyone else’s celebrations. “Barnes you better treat her right or you’ll have me to deal with” his tone laced with authority. You gave Bucky’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Tony, I’m properly happy for the first time in ages, please don’t ruin it, not today.” Everyone looked around awkwardly trying not to get involved. “Alight kid.” Tony raised his arms in defeat. “Sorry Barnes. Just want make sure you’re gonna look after our best girl.” Nat and Wanda shared a quick glance and shrugged. Bucky nodded at Tony and started to lead you to the door.  “Go, enjoy. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or maybe you should do those things” Tony yelled. You waved your free hand back towards your teammates, excitement bubbling in your stomach about the day to come.

Bucky had led you to the underground carpark, you thought maybe you were going to go out in his bike. You shot a puzzling look at him when he grabbed the keys to one of Tony’s convertible sports cars. “You sure Tony is going to be ok with this?” you questioned. “Of course, he will be. Tony may hate me but he loves you like a daughter.” You were going to stat arguing with him and make it clear that Tony didn’t hate him despite everything. But Bucky cut you off “I’ll take you out on the bike another time. We are off out of the city and I don’t want to aggravate your shoulder by making you sit on the bike for an hour.” Where an earth was he taking you?

Bucky opened the passenger door for you to get in, as you walked passed him, you pressed a soft kiss to his lips and got into the Audi. He got in and started the car, he put the roof down and looked at you. “You ready for the best date of your life doll?” You knew that this date was going to be incredible but you couldn’t help but tease. “Well, I don’t know if you will be able to top the ice cream shop by high school boyfriend took me to. That was a pretty awesome date, going to be tricky to beat.” Bucky reached over and tickled you “ok, ok I surrender” you said in between gasps. “I’ll remember that Y/N” he tried to be serious but you could see he was holding back a laugh.

Bucky drove you out of the city, you enjoyed the scenery and had to admit you were glad you weren’t going to be out in the city for your first date. Being part of the Avengers drew attention even in unsuspecting places. You were fairly unknown having only been part of the team for a year. Bucky on the other hand, after everything that had happened, was stopped by people regularly. He hated it, most people came up to him and said “oh my god, it’s the winter soldier. Can I have a selfie.” The attention wasn’t the worst part of it for Bucky. He hated being reminded of his past as the winter soldier. Sure, he had come to terms with it, it had made him the person he is today, in some ways it had allowed him to meet you. He just wasn’t happy about everyone reminding him about it, especially when he was just going out for a walk or to get a coffee.

“You hungry Y/N?” Food? You hadn’t had much to eat in the last 24 hours. Your stomach rumbled as it seemed to catch on. “Yeah I am absolutely starving.” Bucky chuckled and pulled the car into a diner. You both sat down looking at the menu, you could smell the tantalising scent of coffee and fresh pancakes. The waitress came over to take your order. She surveyed you and Bucky, her eyes lingering on Bucky, batting her lashes at him as he gave his order. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder “what you havin’ doll?” As you looked up to give your order to the waitress she glared at you. As she asked if that was all she seemed to have thought better of her attitude, she walked away sending a small smile back. “She is just making sure she gets her tip” you snorted “did you see how she glared at me when you put your arm around me”. Bucky grinned, “look at you getting all possessive. She hasn’t got anything on you doll. No one has.” You turned you head towards him and he caught your lips with his, his tongue licked along your bottom lip and you sighed. “Ahem, here’s your coffee” you both pulled away and muttered your thanks to the very disgruntled waitress, you supressed a giggle as you watched her storm away.  

You chatted away to one another as you both ate your breakfast; pancakes for you and an omelette for Bucky. Bucky was telling you about Steve in the 40’s as you walked back to the car. You listened contently, asking questions here or there. You could tell Bucky liked talking about this time in his life, he was open and you could see a twinkle in his eyes. He then asked you about growing up with your uncle. He knew your parents had died when you were young and you ended up being looked after by your uncle. You told Bucky about how your uncle had ended up sending you to boarding school in the English countryside. He listened and commented on how difficult it must have been “It was alright really, I came to terms with it all when I was at school. If it hadn’t of happened, I wouldn’t have been picked up by MI6 and then shield.” You drifted off into your own thoughts, Bucky placed his hand on your thigh as he drove on. 10 minutes later you arrived at a gorgeous little town. “We’re here” Bucky said excitedly as he pulled the car up on a quiet street. “Where exactly is here Bucky?” “Harriman State Park, my mum used to bring me, Steve and my sister here as kids. You’re going to love it.”

You had to hand it to Bucky, he knew what a good date was. You had walked around the little town, he had shown you where he had been when he was younger. You ended up in at lunchtime in little cake shop that him and Steve loved as kids. He leaned over and wiped a bit of sugar from the doughnut you had eaten off your lips with his thumb, he put the thumb into his mouth sucking at it lightly. He pulled his thumb out of his “mmm cinnamon, good choice” You gasped slightly and could feel your face going red, he chuckled at your embarrassment. “Bucky” you groaned, punching him lightly on the arm “stop teasing.” “Where’s the fun it that Y/N?” he took your hand and pressed it to his lips. “Come on, the adventure continues.” You walked, hand in hand towards the lake. The views were incredible, it reminded you a lot of the lake district when you had visited with your parents at a young age. Bucky took you to the edge of the lake, hired a rowing boat and you spent a couple of hours exploring a water.

You didn’t want they day to end but you knew it was an hour back to the city and you would have to leave soon. As you walked back towards the car Bucky nipped into a little shop and came out with something in a paper bag. “Here you go Y/N, open it” he said as he handed you the paper bag. You opened it up and pulled out a postcard, it was of the state park. You don’t why but the gesture brought tears to your eyes. “It’s perfect Bucky, thank you.” Bucky pulled you into a bear hug, your head pressed tightly against in chest. He kissed the top of your head “I love you Y/N.” You looked up to him “I love you too Bucky.” He took your hand and you walked back to the car.

Bucky drove you back to the city, you watched him as he concentrated at the road. “You’re staring at me Y/N, do I have something in my teeth?” He checked his teeth quickly in the mirror making you giggle. “No, I just can’t believe this is happening. I keep thinking if I close my eyes I’m going to wake from this dream.” Bucky placed his hand on your thigh and rubbed small circles with his thumb. “This has been one of the best days of my life Y/N. I have dreamt about being with you for so long. I don’t remember being so content with my life”. You placed you hand over his “me neither Buck”.

Bucky swung the car back into the car park in the tower. You headed over to the lift. His warm hand crept under your t-shirt and stopped on your lower back. You spun to face him and reached up placing your arms around his neck, leaning up to capture his lips with yours. Your tongue toyed with his and your breathing quickened as his hands moved to your ass, pulling you closer to his body. You moaned as he attacked your neck with his mouth, your hands moving down to his shoulders, feeling the taught muscles on his back. The lift dinged as you reached your floor, you pulled apart. You caught a glimpse of the pair of you in the lift mirror. You looked exactly like you had just been making out, which of course you had but you didn’t want everyone else to know that. You noted how dilated both your pupils were as you straightened yourselves up a bit. You took his hand in yours and said “We’re off to my room.” “Yes Mam” he gave you a mini salute, chuckling at you. You walked briskly through the living room trying not to draw much attention. “Hey, how did the date go?” someone called out as you walked by “yeah good thanks” Bucky yelled from the corridor. “They seem glad to be back” Nat said knowingly, you could hear them giggling but you didn’t care. You wanted Bucky, no needed Bucky, they could wait. This couldn’t. You reached your door, you looked over your shoulder at him. There wasn’t an awful lot of his blue eyes showing now. He kissed and nibbled the skin on your neck as you opened your door, your eyes rolling in your head and imagination running wild with what was about to happen next. Bucky closed the door behind him and spun you around to face him.

Taglist: @broco8​

[probably-writing-x]

Live Capture.

Arón Piper x Reader

Request by anon: would you be able to do an Aron Piper imagine where his girlfriend is a YouTuber but she’s very shy to show him on her channel as a way of protection even though he’s used to the public & then they go out in public & a fan starts to record them...you can take it on from there :) hope you’re staying safe xx

Gif is not my own

Requests are open 🤍

“On your left, on your left!” You call through your microphone, “Yes, downed him, another team coming up behind us.”

Your friend speaks through your headset and updates you on his own progress as both of you were midway through a game on Warzone. You took a moment to glance at the chat on your livestream to YouTube and smiled at a few of the messages before turning back to focus on the game.

“Alright we’ve got enough for a loadout,” You comment, “Cover me.”

He follows your advice and does exactly that, only moments before you’re shot at from another direction and both of you are killed.

“Shit man,” You groan, “I really wasn’t on it that game.”

“Still top ten though,” Your friend points out, “Alright, Imma head off for the night. I’ll catch you tomorrow.”

You say your goodbyes and turn back to your chat, reading a few of the comments you’d missed, “I think I’m going to turn in for the night too, thank you guys so much for watching this livestream. And I’ll be uploading a video tomorrow at 6pm so keep your eyes peeled for that one. Good night guys!”

You turn off your stream and shut down everything on your PC, the true sign that you’d be turning in for the night. You grab the empty plate from where your dinner had been and the empty drinks from over the course of the hours that you’d been on stream.

“Hey honey, any luck?” Arón asks from the couch, where he lay with his arm tucked under his head, turned to watch the TV screen.

“We got a couple of wins,” You nod, “Nothing great. I didn’t know you’d still be up.”

“And go to bed without you? Would I ever?” He laughs, “C’mhere.”

You yawn and walk over until you’re close enough that he can reach out and pull you down to lay with him, letting you rest on top of his chest, “What are you watching?”

“One of your videos,” He chuckles, “There was nothing on TV and I didn’t want to watch any of that series without you, so I’m watching your channel.”

“Why?” You smile, looking at which video he’d chosen.

“This is from that day we went to the beach and you were teaching me how to surf. I dont know how you managed to keep me out of the whole video!” He exclaims, “Genuinely there’s not even a glimpse of me.”

“Because I spent about four hours rewatching it and re-editing it to make sure. I’m very secretive when I need to be,” You remind him, leaning up to kiss at his jaw, “They all still ask questions.”

He hums in response, “Do you want to go to bed darling?”

Your eyes are already fluttering shut as he asks the question and he somehow has to figure out how to get you from the couch to your bed without disturbing you too much. It was a regular occurrence after you streamed late at night, and he’d grown to be very good at taking care of you after you’d drained yourself after a long day.

You’d been dating for a little under a year now but it felt like you’d loved him for a lifetime. He’d quickly become everything you could ask for in a boyfriend and the two of you somehow became the perfect match for each other. With him as an actor, and you as a YouTuber, both of you lived very unconventional lives at times - but that’s what made it work so well. You’d kept your relationship away from the public for this entire time, not wanting to risk it ending up like the majority of YouTube relationships nowadays. You liked the fact that your relationship still felt like your own, and you didn’t have to fear the audience response to seeing you with a boyfriend. They’d never seen that side of your life, and truth be told, you were fearful of showing them. For now, it felt so much more comfortable to keep Arón separate. Like it still meant you had him all to yourself.

- - - - - -

The next day, after waking up a little too late, you make sure to post your video on time and read through the comments as soon as it reaches your audience. It had been a fitness challenge that you’d had to ask Arón to help you film when you were at the gym. He’d spent half the time zooming into your face far too close or stopping filming because you’d made him laugh and you could hear him on the recording. Somehow, you’d still managed to avoid showing him in the footage and made sure that he couldn’t be heard too much through the microphone.

“What do you fancy for dinner, darling?” Arón asks as he steps into your filming room and sees you sat at your desk in your gaming chair.

“I’m just reading through the response to the video,” You explain as he comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your shoulders, you run your hands along his arms as they encase you.

“Are they all talking about my brilliant filming skills?” He grins, kissing your cheek.

You point out one comment that questions in all capital letters ‘who does she have filming this? Y’all seriously can’t tell me she’s still single!!!!!’

Arón laughs and clicks to read the responses to the comment, pausing on one that is a timestamp from the video. A specific second in the footage that you find yourself skipping to on the video timeline to find exactly what one of your fans was talking about. Quite rightly so, at that exact second, you can just about make out Arón in the reflection of one of the mirrors in the gym. His face isn’t visible but his distinctive curls are obvious enough.

“Shit, do you think they know it’s you?” You ask, sitting more upright in your chair as you look through the rest of the comments about that exact moment.

Some people were suggesting different names, different people that could take the face of that curly hair - but only a few had actually suggested Arón. Someone mentioned the fact that you’d been at the Élite premiere and pointed out that you could’ve been going as his date rather than just a guest at the event - that was, in fact, the truth. Someone else mentioned how Omar followed you on Instagram - the initial way you’d met Arón.

“Oh come on, look, they’re saying loads of names,” He points out, “Theyre all just guessing, my name was bound to be in there at some point.”

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea that they’d be able to see y-“

“Hey,” Arón turns your chair around so you’re facing him, “It’s fine, honestly. I don’t care, okay?”

“Are you sure?” You sigh, smiling as he cups your face in his hands.

“Positive,” He nods, leaning in and kissing you, “I say we just order in for dinner.”

You laugh and let him pull you up to stand, “Good idea.”

- - - - - -

The following day, you and Arón are on your way to your parents place for your father’s birthday. You manage to get up at a semi-acceptable time and keep yourself away from social media to avoid all of the questions about your mystery boyfriend. You step into the taxi and try to keep yourself relaxed.

“Hey! I know you!” The taxi driver speaks up, glancing in the mirror at Arón, “You’re on Netflix. My daughter watches your show all the time!”

“Thanks man, that means a lot,” Arón smiles politely, glancing at you for a second.

The man rambles on a little more about the show and how much he’d learnt about it from his daughter, laughing at how jealous she’d be that he’d met Arón.

“And is this your girlfriend?” The taxi driver asks, glancing at you in the mirror too.

“No, just a friend,” Arón nods, forcing a little smile in your direction, “So, have you been busy today?”

You’re relieved that he steers the topic away from you and tries to keep some level of awkward small talk with the driver as you eventually pull up in town.

“You can just drop us here, buddy, thank you,” Arón comments, getting out of the car and waiting for you.

“That’s a sign! That’s a sign, people know about us,” You state simply as you step out of the car, “I’m certain.”

“(Y/n)!” Arón laughs, “It’s fine! We have no certainty that people know we’re together, and we’ll let it stay that way. Stop worrying honey, you’ll give yourself a heart attack.”

You sigh and try to relax under the influence of his words.

“You’re cute when you get stressed,” He chuckles, reaching for your hand and squeezing it, “Really cute.”

You cock a brow, “You know, maybe I should tell everyone about us - feed you to the lions type of attitude.”

Arón laughs, “They’ll fucking love me!”

He cups your jaw with his free hand and dips his head to press a kiss to your waiting lips. It’s soft and it gives the sincerity to his words that his tone hadn’t done. You were so worried about everyone finding out about you, mainly because you were terrified of it ruining a time in your life where you were happier than you’d ever been. It was silly but you liked the idea of preventing your relationship from being strained by the public view. For now, it felt so much easier to keep this between you. When it had first started, you wanted to keep things private until you knew that this was something real and something you were sure of. But when you’d started to feel that way, it felt even more important to keep that private - knowing that you cared too much about Arón to jeopardise anything.

“Come on, lets go grab some food,” He encourages, locking his hand with yours before swinging an arm over your shoulder so that your interlocked hands rested just over your heart, “What are the odds that the taxi driver was actually a fan? I bet he doesn’t even have a daughter!” Arón jokes and yet again manages to say exactly what you needed to hear to ease your stress.

- - - - - -

A little later, as you’re sat at your parents house with your parents and your siblings, Arón comes walking through from the kitchen with your nephew in his arms.

“There she is!” He grins when he sees you, letting your nephew run over until he jumps into your arms.

“Where have you two been?” You laugh, looking at his disheveled Arón appeared.

“We’ve been on the trampoline,” Arón groans, flopping down beside you, “I think I’m too old for that now.”

“You think?” You smirk, “You’re a mess!”

He grabs your phone from the side and checks his appearance in the black screen. Your nephew giggles and reaches over to grab at his messy curls. Arón smiles and goes to tickle him, only glancing away when he sees your phone ping in his hand.

“Jeez, you’re popular today,” He comments, showing you the endless list of notifications on your phone.

“Probably just the boys asking about playing later, can you open it for me?” You ask, shifting your nephew so he was now stood on your thighs facing you as you make silly faces at him to keep him occupied.

“Oh shit...” Arón mumbles.

“Arón!” You hiss, making wide eyes in the direction of your nephew.

“Sorry, babe, but you need to see this,” You set your nephew down and he runs off to his own mother before you take your phone from Arón.

His reaction now seemed completely justified. In a group chat with a bunch of your friends from YouTube, you’re being bombarded with messages. Some of them are accompanied by photos but the majority are accompanied by laughing emojis. Quite rightly so as the photos show clear shots of you and Arón from earlier. The images had clearly been taken from across the street when you’d first got out of the taxi. One of you laughing at something he’d said, one of you kissing, another of you kissing, and a few of you walking away with his arm around you.

“Who took those?!” You exclaim, “I didn’t even see anybody... or hear anybody...”

“Hey, hey, look,” Arón nudges you, handing you his own phone that showed all of his mentions on Instagram.

You’d already been tagged in a flurry of posts about the situation - 100% of them being purely positive and excited for both of you. People saying how perfect you were for each other. Some pointing out moments from your streams and from YouTube where it was obvious you were talking to someone behind the camera - who they now understood to be Arón.

“They’re all so excited,” You half-laugh, “Look, theres even a fucking video of us!”

You show him a video a fan had taken of you two together that’s accompanied by the caption - ‘I wanted to speak to them but they’re just so fricking cute I didn’t want to disturb them!!!’

You smile at all of the supportive messages from your fans, commenting on how happy they were for you, though some were jealous of you being Arón’s girlfriend.

“Well, looks like that turned out better than we expected,” Arón comments, “Should we say anything?”

You look at him and grin, flicking your Instagram camera on as you pose for the photo. He wraps an arm around your shoulder and rests his head against yours as you both smile at the screen.

You type out a quick caption ‘You got us...’ and post it to your story. Though you lock your phone before you can become too bombarded by replies to the image.

“Shit, does this mean I can play Warzone with you now?!”

“You’re still terrible, maybe when you get a bit better,” You laugh, kissing him quickly.

[luminous-studiess]

Seeing as you mentioned in one of your last posts that you’ve learnt how to study in the pas semester, I was wondering if you could share with us your tips & tricks, please? I love your blog ❤️

hi!!!!! first of all, thank you so much for the kind words. it always helps when i hear that people like my content, and it’s nice to know when people on studyblr reach out and motivate each other. i hope you’re doing well as well!i guess i have to preface this with the fact that studying in undergrad is very different from studying in law school. also, studying in different undergraduate courses constitutes very different studying styles as well. for me, i took literature, so it was a lot of writing papers and not much memory work. in law school, there was a LOT of memory work. i did really badly for several months because i wasn’t used to studying for those kinds of exams. i may make posts if anyone’s interested on how to study specifically for literature or law classes, but for now, these are general tips on how to study.this is a long-ass post, so my apologies!

HOW TO STUDY!!!!!!! A HUGE GENERAL GUIDE FROM SAM FROM LUMINOUS STUDIES, AFTER ~7 YEARS OF HOMESCHOOLING, 4 YEARS OF UNDERGRAD (AND A MAGNA CUM LAUDE) AND ONE TERRIFYING SEMESTER OF LAW SCHOOL. 

FIRST THINGS FIRST: general tips, some life advice, preparation

- actual intelligence matters very little in school. some people learn faster, some take a little more time. being smart in itself does not matter when you don’t work. actual hard work can compensate for a less retentive memory (as i’ve found out over the semester). discipline and a lot of hard work always pay off, even if it seems rocky at first. make the resolve to dedicate a set amount of time to study everyday, even if it’s just an hour or so. a little is better than nothing. - my constitutional law professor (aka my favorite professor) advised one of my classmates to log her work hours. while it seems tempting to set a specific timeslot to get things done, sometimes life gets in the way, and you don’t actually get to work at 3 pm. maybe most of the time you sit at 3 pm is spent fiddling on your phone. to actually track productivity and consistency, time the hours you actively spend studying. put away all your distractions. personally, i like the forest app because it forces me to stay away from social media and lets me use the pomodoro method. on good study days, i get to log my work time in batches of 25 minutes. again, it can be the amount of hours you put in, but what matters is the quality of work you put in. stay consistent. i promise you. it helps- on the study environment: sometimes studyblr convinces you that you need a coffeeshop, an aesthetic library, a beautiful italian garden to get things done. that would be ideal, but most of us don’t have access to that. i suggest you evaluate if you work better in public spaces with a little sound ambience, to hold yourself accountable (coffeeshops, the school library, with friends), or in private, quiet spaces. once you know where you work best, know what keeps you focused. is it tea? a glass of iced coffee? a lofi playlist? a podcast? i find that process a little fun because it keeps the study process a little less dull and uncomfortable, as it often can be. don’t forget to keep it pleasant/rewarding, but note that overindulgence can distract you. trust me, i know this from experience.- study materials: are what you want and what you need. you don’t need anything fancy. personally, i need many colored pens and highlighters because i have a color-coding system for cases and provisions, but for undergrad, my best weapons were just a black ballpen and a nice mildliner. it’s preferential, and just see what works for you. - on study anxiety: i have mental health issues. i’ve been seeing a psychiatrist (and lately a therapist) for depression and anxiety, and it used to be really, really bad, to the point i couldn’t start. i think the best place to start is to find that kind of help if you really have bad mental health. but if it’s the kind of anxiety that stems from being worried that things won’t turn out well, or that there’s too much to do, it’s always best to start, and to remember that even a little, or something imperfect, is still progress. try it for 5 minutes. if you still can’t do it, rest. but sometimes we just need a little push. other things that really calm my anxiety are a good baroque playlist (check out baroque lute/jordi savali’s the celtic viol/bach’s goldberg variations on spotify!!!), jazz, or lofi, and lavender room spray. i also like to use gifs which help you with breathing techniques. you can find them all over tumblr and twitter. it’s also really helpful to ask others for help when you feel stuck. i’ve asked professors for a little consideration and classmates for advice and clarifications when i’m confused. reaching out to other people is often a great way to start the learning process. 

- scheduling: i find it hard to keep on top of things, so i’m really thankful to the classmate who added me to a google calendar with all the class assignments. i think it’s a great system for knowing what the assignments are, so google calendar is your friend. for daily tasks, bullet journals help keep me accountable. i have a really simple one. quick and dirty. ACTUALLY STUDYING: methods, tricks, tips- consider the subject. different classes require different methods. some classes like math and chemistry – which, disclaimer, i have very little experience with – require practice problems. for literature classes, this requires much free analysis, annotations, research, and your own interpretations. other classes like history and geology require the memorization of topics. consider what information you need to learn, and how you want to approach it.- TAKE NOTES DURING THE LECTURE. i can’t stress this enough. if the teacher or professor mentions it, it’s probably important. nowadays, for major classes, i mark the topic on the syllabus with a special-colored highlighter that i won’t use for anything else so i know it’s crucial and will probably turn up on an exam. note: if they place special emphasis on a bit of information because it probably WILL turn up during the exam. one of my professors mentioned that a case would probably turn up during the philippine bar exam and guess what. it did. listen to the professor, don’t goof around on twitter (me to my undergraduate self, tbh), take good notes. make the notes into a reviewer during exam season. pass the class.- pre-studying helps. this is mandatory in law school, because mostly, you go to class to regurgitate what you’ve studied (or didn’t study) on your own from the syllabus. for undergrad, however, it helps to give yourself a background on the material so you can engage in the class, and take notes more efficiently. also, as much as possible, do the required reading. you’ll probably do it in one night anyway before the exam, so at least spread your work out and do a reasonable amount weekly.- on that note: if you’re going to rush through the syllabus and do “a semester’s worth of info” in one night (yes we’ve all seen Those Memes) anyway, it will be less of a pain in the ass to actually do the work slowly and consistently every week. trust me. this comes from a procrastinator who’s getting bitten in the ass, so please learn this as early as you can. it saves you a lot of pain later on.- THE CLASS SYLLABUS IS YOUR BIBLE. it’s all there. before classes, go through it. keep it with you during class and annotate it if you have to. some of my friends like to space the syllabus out on a document file so they use the headings for note-making. the syllabus will be your friend during review season.- always learn actively. if you don’t know a word or term, it will always help to google. make notes in the margins. make flashcards so you state information and retrieve it instead of just recognizing it. form study groups. rewrite your notes. engage with what you’re learning and it becomes so much more interesting, and so much easier. - set a time to unwind religiously. breaks are so important to avoid burnout. i like friday nights for unwinding, family dinners, reading, watching series. please rest. REVIEW SEASON: HOW TO COPE. HOW TO PASS. HOW TO CRY AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. - exams are scary. i used to enjoy them, until law school, where i’ve been beaten up thoroughly by every exam. but strangely enough, this is where i only learned how to actually study for an exam with huge blocks of information. i realized that this method really helps for undergrad, and probably will get you honors if you stick to a similarly solid method. - study as early as you can. once you know when the exam is, make a study plan. two weeks is a good minimum. sometimes, there are professors and teachers who announce only a week before, which is unavoidable, so honestly. just make a plan. i tend to assign a set number of syllabus pages to cover/study for on each day so i have time to do a second reading/quizzing. - HOW TO REVIEW: remember the class notes? remember the syllabus? those will help you cover everything you need once you schedule. the syllabus is your map for what you need to cover. assume that everything in the syllabus is something you need to go over at least once, so assign a set number of pages/topics per day. the class notes are your guide on what to focus on. note the special topics which have been emphasized by the lecturer. it also helps if you know what parts you’re very unsure about, so you know what to work on again when you have extra time. i tend to make reviewers out of my class notes, which also helps to retain info, because i go over it again. make time to re-read and quiz yourself. - blanking out on exam day? i can honestly assure you that it’s probably because you didn’t sleep enough. you’ve studied the information, but sleep deprivation either makes you fall asleep during the exam (which has happened) or forget what you learned (which has also happened). if you’ve made the time to repeat what you’ve needed to learn, the studying isn’t the problem. i make a rule to try and avoid all-nighters when necessary because sleep is integral in helping you retain information. when i need extra time to study, i go to bed early, and wake up around 3 or 4 am to study some more. it really helps.DEALING WITH FAILURE: - my professor (a huge businessman, constitutionalist, overall a very successful person) told me that he would not get where he is now if he hadn’t failed. failure is growth because you know you’re doing something. the only true “failure” is when you stop trying. some days are hard, some days don’t yield the results even when you work hard. it’s okay. be gentle on yourself. you are still growing.- sometimes i think about the fact that “gifted child syndrome” aka burnout and perfectionism stem from how many smart kids are often praised for their intelligence and not their work ethic. so when they do badly later in life, they think it’s because they weren’t “smart enough” and give up easily. i think much of doing anything entails a lot of embarrassment, a lot of hard work, and lots of failure. it’s so hard to put up with, and it can often be depressing and unhealthy and put you in a bad place. sometimes we need to talk to someone professional, if it gets to that point. but sometimes, it also helps to realize that a little hard work will help us to get where we want to be. - ask for help. i talk to my friends, my parents, and my professors when i’m stuck. it really helps.ok, whew. i know there’s so much more about studying. but i hope this helps for now. please let me know if you guys want more specific study guides. good luck, loves! you got this.– sam 

[jae-daddy]

hey! i was wondering if you have any asks you havent answered cause i sent you a whole long paragraph and im about to send it again fr if tumblr ate the ask 😤

omg hi fried egg anon! 

I got your whole long paragraph and I love it. I love it so much I might have cried the first time I read it. Thank you so so sooo much for your kind words. I hope you understand how much your message meant to me. 

I’ve been wanting to reply since I got it and cry as I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I wanted to find the right words through which I could thank you and let you know how much your message means to me. But I didn’t want to reply to it easily because it would get lost on my wall. I wanted to save it, and now since you sent this is in, I’ll reply through this and save that message forever. I do that with all the messages that really really hit me hard (I’ve learnt from my Bad Habit days lol). (So, if i haven’t replied to any of your messages its because I’m saving it <3) <3

So, my dear fried egg anon, 

I really hope to one day read one of your fanfics. I am sure they will be amazing and beautiful. i know it is scary, and it’s easier to just put it off than to just do it. You might be scared that it won’t be good or people might not read it. I was scared too, I still am whenever I put out a new part to a fic I’m writing. But then someone like you comes and shows me so much love and support that it keeps me motivated and excited to write. I really truly hope you write one day, and please do send it in, I would love to read it. it would be an honour to support you as you have been supporting me. 

And girl, thank you for liking my characters. I’m sure you’re a strong badass bitch too, you just gotta let her out and do you boo! 

Thank you for being so specific with your compliments! You picked literally picked out the dialogues, analogies and scenes that I am most insecure about. The murky scene from Bad Habit always make me feel so insecure because I feel like I’m trying too hard, but it literally just poured out of me lmao. And I was so scared that ‘You were meant to be mine’ from Duff would be too aggressive, but you made me feel so comfortable and confident about it. Thank you so much for that. I’ll try to write more angst so I can keep on hurting you and make you hurt good through Jaebum haha. 

Who knows girl, maybe a vampire au will be next. I think I’m well on my way, and since you’ve said it, I’ve been thinking about it. So a vampire jaebum au might drop outta nowhere, who knows. <3

Thank you sooo so much for sending that message in once again! The level of comfort and affection that message radiates is truly unreal. I hope to hear more from you, fried egg anon! I hope you continue to like my stories! Thank you so much for your support! 

lol (lots of love),  B <3

giving you my actual fav gif rn because tHAnkS <3

[gottagobackintime]

Next year I really want to see if I can get a dyscalculia diagnosis... I’ve been thinking about it for years now and at times it has seemed like a useless thing to get. Because I’m an adult and I get by fine. And I don’t know if I am dyscalculic. But there are so many of the symptoms that fits me. Why would I want a diagnosis? Because I’m still being “made fun of” for not being able to understand basic maths. I’ve asked people, who know the answer to the thing I’m asking. And they’ve been like “Haha, just work it out yourself. It’s so easy!” and when I tell them that I literally can’t, that I have no idea where to even begin, they laugh and keep on telling me “Seriously, it’s so easy! Just do it!” Which leaves me frustrated and humiliated because I CANNOT WORK IT OUT! And it would be such a relief to be able to say “I can’t do that because I’m dyscalculic!”. Because as it is now I’m just an adult who can’t do numbers very well. Some of the things that apply to me:

Difficult to remember math facts in school, like times tables

Difficult to Count money or make change 

Difficult to judge speed or distance

Can’t understand the logic behind math

Difficult to hold numbers in their head while solving problems

Difficult to remember phone numbers or ZIP codes

Difficult to tell time or read clocks

Problems with differentiating between left and right

Difficulty working backwards in time (e.g. What time to leave if needing to be somewhere at 'X' time)

Difficulty with choreographed dance steps

Counts on their fingers

Some of these I’ve learnt to work around, like telling time and read clocks, but it took me a long time to learn the clock and say if I’m cooking something and someone asks me when it will be ready, like at what time, not in how long. I have to look at a clock and kind of point at it as I’m counting, like okay that’s ten minutes, then the time will be 20 past, then there’s ten more minutes and it will be half four... I still have to tell myself what is left and what is right, either by moving my right or left arm slightly as I say the word out loud or in my head (this was hell when I took driving lessons, because I kept repeating the left and right instructions I got. Like if my teacher told me to take a right up ahead. I asked them “right?” and I’d indicate with my right hand. Every single time and I could tell that they thought that it was strange and that they thought that I didn’t understand what they said or something). I know that you shake hands with your right hand and that I’m right handed but if I’m faced with an instruction that has left and right in it I have to think about it. Because I’m unsure. I’m always early, partly because I like not having to rush when I get to the place I’m about to go. But also because I’m always unsure of how long a trip is going to take and when I actually have to leave (the working backwards in time thing). And yup, I still count on my fingers, I even do that when I for example are making gifs. And I’m at say 1 hour 20 seconds and I have to go forward 3 seconds. I have to count on my fingers to make sure that I’m going to 1 hour 23 seconds. Which sounds stupid, I know. But I can’t see things like that. Until I’ve worked it out.

And as I said, I get by fine. But at times I get affected by it, like when I’m shopping somewhere and I can’t scan the items as I go along. I get kind of nervous that I’ll shop for more than I have you know. And it would be nice to be able to shut rude people up and make them think about their actions... And I have some kind of painful memories that stems from my inability to get maths. Like being around 8/9 years old and being told by my teacher that I just need to study more, that I don’t study enough. As if I didn’t do good in all other subjects, maybe that should have been a clue. But no, when my mum asked my teacher to help me I just got a stack of papers with basic calculations on them and was told to work on those at home. I didn’t do that ofc, because that was the problem, I didn’t understand how to do it. So what good would those do? Like there wasn’t any sort of explanation of how to work them out or how to make them easier to understand. There were just rows and rows with 4+6, 7+8, 8-3,3-1 and so on. Then I started a new school at the age of 13 (grade 7) and we started to get actual grades. We got our first grade in the spring (second term). I failed. I had a passing grade in all other subjects. 8th grade, autumn term, fail. Same for 8th grade spring term. You need a passing grade in Swedish, English and Maths to be able to get into our version of high school. 9th grade spring term is your last chance if you want to start high school on time and the actual high school you want to attend (it’s point based, you get different points for different grades. And all the high school programs have different acceptance levels). So you can imagine how stressed out I was. So my grandfather, who is good at maths sat down and started to help me. I still didn’t get it. I sat there at my grandparents kitchen table, actually holding back tears as my granddad tried to get me to understand basic maths... Eventually I managed to get a passing grade and I got into the school I wanted and by some sort of miracle I actually passed my high school maths class too (I only had to take it my first year, thankfully). So yeah, I do have some painful memories when it comes to maths. And I feel like a diagnosis could help me feel less stupid, if that makes sense...

[thepurplebutterflythings]

Kitty Cat & Tweety Bird (Part 1) - Jason Todd

Gif: Dxnninja on Tenor

Word Count: 3.0K

Paring: Jason Todd (Titans) x (f)Reader

Summary: Y/N Kyle, daughter of Selina Kyle, really enjoys spending time with Jason Todd, both as Civilian and Alter-egos.

Warnings: N/A

A/N: This is a little series I am doing about Jason Todd in Titans. I don’t know Comic!Jason very well so I’m taking all of this from the show, and at the moment he hasn’t been in very often, so please forgive any mischaracterizations.

Tagging: @bella-0104-123 @ninergirl1d @httpfandxms @rosybrock @attackonnat @reclusive-chicken-nugget   @demoiselle-en-detresse00 @young-psychos

Masterlist | Kitty Cat & Tweety Bird Part 2

________________________________________________________________

Y/N always loved how Jason acted around her. When he was Jason, he was sweet, kind, warm. When Jason was Jason around her, he always found excuses to talk to her, he always found excuses to look at her, he always found excuses to be near her, and he always smiled a little, and would look down at the ground when he saw Y/N had caught him staring at her without reason. When Jason was Robin, he was certainly cockier. He would flirt with her at every opportunity. He would give her a sly wink and a grin wildly. He would walk with more of a sway, showing off whenever he could, always wanting to find an excuse to impress her. He was always trying to catch her attention and made sure she knew he was always a call away if she needed him. The only thing was Jason had no clue that Y/N knew he was Robin – Y/N figured it out herself. He wasn’t as sly as he thought he was.

Right now, Y/N was with Robin.

“So, Kitty Cat,” Robin began, trying to follow Y/N as she walked with perfect balance across a metal beam in an empty construction site. Robin also had good balance, but nowhere near Y/N’s. Y/N decided it was her turn to show off, walking on her hands for a while and then doing a front flip, turning to face Robin with a sly smirk on her lips, “maybe I can take ya out some time?” he offered, putting his Bo Staff on his shoulders and carelessly resting his arms on it by his wrists.

“Okay, first of all, Tweety-Bird, it’s Lynx, like the wild-cat. Second of all, I think it’s best to limit whatever this is,” Y/N gestured between the two of them, “as strictly alter-egos.”

“Come on,” Robin grinned at her, taking a step forward, “It’d be fun.”

“Look, I have no doubt we’d get along, Tweety-Bird,” Y/N sighed, “you’re fun, sweet even, but you and I both know the deal. Lynx and Robin is not a civilian team up.”

“Kitty Cat…” Robin pleaded, “just tell me a little something about your civilian you, please?”

Y/N smiled and stepped forward. She couldn’t tell him anything about her, for safety, in case he figured out he knew her as a civilian, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have some fun. Pursing her lips and sticking her chest out, Y/N leaned close to Robin’s ear and got so close that he could smell her perfume. She chuckled a little as she whispered.

“No chance!” She purred before pulling back and grabbing her claw from her belt and aiming for the next building, shooting it and swinging away. When Y/N reached the building she grabbed a hold of the ledge and pulled herself onto the roof with grace, turning to where Robin was and giving him a the cheeky wave before disappearing – the sun would be rising soon and she had to get home.

It was fun to mess with Jason both as Y/N and as Lynx, although her mother warned her not to, just in case he did eventually catch on eventually. There was always a risk when you had an alter-ego, vigilante or criminal, that those you cared about could get injured if they were to figure out who you were under the mask. Keep people out and keep them safe, regardless of your own feelings – it was easier that way. There was enough argument between the two of them with Y/N wanting to be a vigilante, especially considering her mother’s past, so Y/N decided it was easier to agree with her mother about this and continue to be Lynx than argue with her about it all. Anyway, Y/N did trust her mother’s judgement in a lot of things, after all, her mother had experience with being an alter-ego, albeit a criminal one under the name of Cat Woman, and so while the motives were different, the rules were somewhat similar to keeping the identity hidden. Y/N loved her mother and admired her and she trusted her mother – she didn’t know many people in Gotham who could survive a life of crime this long.

________________________________________________________________

The lights were all off when Y/N climbed through the window of the flat into the living room. Maybe Selina was out with Y/N’s aunts; they weren’t really her aunts, Selina, as far as Y/N knew, had no family, her aunts were what Y/N called her mother’s friends and co-workers (for lack of a better term), Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. To Y/N they were always Auntie Harley and Auntie Ivy. One of the rules Y/N had as Lynx was to never go after The Gotham City Sirens. Another was that if her mother and aunts ever got in trouble with the law (whether that be arrested or cornered by Batman or something along those lines) Y/N would rescue them. It’s part of the reason her aunts were more than encouraging with Y/N being Lynx, while her mother took a little bit longer to come around.

Y/N knew why Selina was against Y/N being a vigilante, being Lynx. Her father. Selina never really spoke about Y/N’s father because of how painful it was for her, but that doesn’t mean Y/N knew nothing about her father. From what Selina had told her, Y/N had managed to learn a little bit about the man. She was fifteen when she learnt about why her mother was sceptical to allow her only child to become a vigilante in Gotham City of all places.

“Why can’t I do this?” Y/N yelled at her mother in the middle of the argument, “YOU MUST BE THE ONLY PARENT IN THE WORLD WHOSE UPSET THAT THEIR CHILD IS NOT A CRIMINAL!”

“I don’t care that it isn’t crime, Y/N,” Selina snapped, “and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not?”

“Fine, you want to know,” Selina said, pausing for a moment afterwards as though she was thinking. She pressed her lips together in a thin line and nodded, “Years ago, I just learned I was pregnant with you and I told your father, and so we went out to dinner to celebrate, but the place we went to belonged to Penguin…” she hesitated for a second, “his rivals had planned an attack that night – your father was killed in the crossfire.” Y/N’s heart plummeted. “Gotham is dangerous when you’re a civilian like your father, but if you become a vigilante… it’s ten times more dangerous. I don’t want you to get hurt, baby.”

“Mum,” Y/N looked at her mother, “if it’s dangerous to be in Gotham either way, I’d rather go out trying to make a difference. You have to let me do this, Mum, please.”

Selina sighed and looked at her daughter, as though memorising her, or reminiscing about something. She eventually nodded reluctantly before hugging Y/N and kissing the top of her head.

“You really are like him at times, like your father,” Selina whispered, “such a sense of justice in you.”

Her mother’s words rang in her head as Y/N closed the living room window behind her and closed the curtains, pulling her mask off afterwards. A light turned on behind her and Y/N turned around to see Selina sitting in an armchair in her dressing gown, arms folded.

“Hey, mum…”

“You’re late home,” Selina said, tilting her head to the side.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Y/N nodded, “Jason come along and we got talking…”

“Oh, that boy,” Selina rolled her eyes.

“Mum, Jason’s not a bad guy,” Y/N whined as she pulled her night vision goggles from the top of her head and gently placed them on the table, “he’s really nice.”

“I know, baby,” Selina sighed and stood up, rubbing her temple, “but he’s eventually going to put two and two together, especially if you aren’t going to keep him at arm’s length.”

“We’re lab partners at University, it’s not like I can avoid him.”

“What about as Lynx and Robin?”

“I never tell him anything about myself as Lynx,” Y/N assured her mother, “I need to shower,” Y/N hugged her mother before walking by to the bathroom, but she stopped in the doorway and turned back to Selina. “Mum?” Selina turned to face her daughter, “Jason has zero clue who I am beneath the mask - I promise you that I’m being careful.”

“I know,” Selina smiled and nodded, “I’m your mother though, Y/N/N, it’s my job to worry, especially because of your father… you remind me of him in ways, and that scares me a little.”

“I promise you, Mum, I won’t end up like Dad,” Y/N said before disappearing into the bathroom. She didn’t see Selina sigh and shake her head, brushing her hair back from her face and pressing her lips together.

“Problem is,” Selina whispered to herself, “you already are.”

________________________________________________________________

“Hey, wait up!” Called a voice.

Y/N spun around to see Jason running to catch up to her, waving to catch her attention as he ran. She stopped to allow him to reach her, grinning when Jason had finally caught up to her.

“What’s up, Jace?”

“Nothing much,” Jason smiled at her as he gazed into her eyes, “I wanted to talk to you about class, our lab project?”

“Sure, what about it?”

“Just asking if you wanted to come by tonight to work a little extra on it?” Jason scratched the back of his head, “I mean, this is 50% of our grade, and well, Bruce isn’t home tonight so, aside from Alfred, the whole mansion is ours, and anyway, Alfred is cool, you’ll like him. He’s got good humour.”

“Sounds good,” Y/N nodded, “I’ll text my mum and tell her I won’t be home till later.”

“Alfred’s a good cook too,” Jason added, “and you’re more than welcome to stay for dinner.”

“Thanks, Jason,” Y/N said, “I’m going to get a coffee, wanna come?”

“Sure,” Jason nodded, “I could go for a coffee.”

“So what did you do last night?” Y/N asked Jason as they walked. She was always interested to see what he came up with to avoid saying that he was Robin.

“Nothing much,” Jason shrugged, “what about you?”

“Erm…” Y/N frowned in thought, coming up with a lie, “me and Mum had a movie night – pizza and chick flicks, a nice girly night.”

“You like chick flicks?” Jason scoffed, cocking his eyebrow at the thought.

“What’s wrong with chick flicks?”

“Nothing,” Jason said, “I like a good rom-com every now and then too, I just can’t imagine Miss Y/N Kyle; The Leather Jacket Wearing, Spiked Boot Owning, Queen of Gotham, being into ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’.”

“Hey!” Y/N pointed at Jason, “first of all, ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ is a modern classic. Second of all, I will watch anything with Noah Centineo in. Third of all, don’t make assumptions about people, Jace. When you assume you make an ass of you and me!”

With every point Y/N made, she lifted a finger, and when she said ‘you and me’, she made sure to poke Jason square in the chest with a teasing smile as she did, causing Jason to smile back. When she finished, Jason bit back a large grin and nodded.

“Okay,” he said, “you’ve proved me wrong, Miss Kyle, I stand fully corrected.”

“Good,” Y/N teased, sticking her chin out, “tell you what, buy me a coffee and I’ll forgive you!”

“Alright,” Jason nodded as they reached the café. He held the door open for Y/N, smiling at her as she went past. “How’d you like your coffee?”

“Just black,” Y/N said. “Pure Caffeine is what I need! I’m so tired.”

“Haven’t you been sleeping well?” Jason asked, giving Y/N a sideways glance, as though curious to know the answer. Y/N gulped a little and scratched the back of her head – she couldn’t tell him the truth, which she was up late at night because she was dressed in a leather suit fighting crime.

“Life of an insomniac,” Y/N chuckled awkwardly.

“Tell me about it,” Jason laughed, “can’t remember the last time I had a proper night sleep.”

________________________________________________________________

Jason and Y/N decided to take over the kitchen in Wayne Manor, having all their books and notebooks spread over the counter and papers scattered over the floor. Y/N was biting on a pencil while Jason was munching on a packet of crisps. Alfred had come in every now and then to see the sight had gotten more out of control, sigh and shake his head, then leave again.

“Let’s take a break,” Y/N groaned, closing her book. She started rubbing her temples to relieve the pressure building in her brain.

“Agreed,” Jason said taking the spot next to her. “Look, I had another reason I wanted to ask you round.”

“Oh, Jason,” Y/N teased, “are you about to confess your undying love for me?” She dramatically placed her hand on her chest and gasped like an actress from a 1920s film. Jason laughed and pushed her playfully.

“You wish!” He teased back, “There’s an internship open at Wayne Enterprises,” Jason explained, “and I know you want to build up your CV before we leave University, and an internship at Wayne Enterprises would look really good to future employers,” Jason continued, “so… I recommended you, and Bruce accepted.” Y/N blinked, “it’s nothing much, I mean, it’s mainly getting Bruce coffee and writing down dates and taking phone call messages, but it’s still something.”

“No,” Y/N shook her head, trying to stand up, but Jason grabbed her hand, “Jason, I don’t take hand-outs.”

“It’s not a hand-out, it’s not charity,” Jason assured her, “it’s a recommendation from someone who knows you and knows how hard you work. Bruce wouldn’t have agreed if he thought I wasn’t being serious.”

“Jason…” Y/N sighed.

“Just give it chance,” Jason asked, “you never know – it might be worth it.”

Y/N sighed and looked at Jason. He stared at her with large pleading eyes – it was like she had just beaten a baby seal with a golf club, and it made her feel awful; perhaps if she didn’t have such a horrible headache Y/N would be up for arguing more, but at the end of the day, her head hurt so bad she wanted to be sick, she was so tired, and, actually, she was grateful Jason had done this for her and had thought Y/N was capable to work at Wayne Enterprises.

“Okay,” she nodded, “thank you, Jason.”

“You’re welcome,” Jason smiled, dropping his hand from her wrist.

________________________________________________________________

When Y/N had got home, Selina was still up and getting ready for going out with Harley and Ivy, grabbing her bullwhip and smiling at her daughter as she closed the door behind her.

“Hi, baby,” Selina said, “how’s the project going?”

“Good,” Y/N nodded, dropping her bag and sitting down, “it’s exhausting though.”

“As is the life of a university student,” her mother chuckled.

“Erm…” Y/N hesitated but smiled, leaning forward, both excited and nervous to tell her mother of what Jason had lined up. Excited because of the grand scale of the opportunity, but nervous because saying it aloud made it real. “I’ve… I’ve got an internship.”

“Oh, Y/N, that’s amazing,” Selina hugged her daughter tightly before pulling back and sitting on the coffee table opposite, “where?”

“Wayne Enterprises!” Y/N beamed. “I’ll be working sort of as an assistant for Bruce Wayne himself!” Selina’s face fell, taking Y/N by surprise. She thought her mother would be thrilled. How many people can say their child had acquired an internship at Wayne Enterprises? They were like gold dust.

“No.”

“Why?” Y/N asked confused, “it’s an incredible opportunity, and will look amazing on a CV.”

“Just no,” Selina shook her head furiously and stood up, pacing up and down the living room. “You… you can’t, no!” Selina ordered. Y/N stood up and faced her mother. Selina seemed so concerned, biting down on her lip, rubbing her wrists with her hands and shaking her head while saying ‘no’ firmly on repeat. Y/N was a little worried about Selina, she had never seen her mother like this.

“Mum, what is it?” She asked. Selina stopped and looked at Y/N before sitting down and gesturing for Y/N to do the same.

“Look, I’m telling you this in the utmost confidence that it will go no further than the two of us – not even Ivy and Harley know this,” Selina said, her voice going serious, “got it?”

“Yes,” Y/N nodded, a little frightened.

“Bruce…” Selina sighed, speaking his name like one did of an old friend, “Bruce is Batman.”

Y/N blinked and looked at her mother, waiting for her to burst out laughing and say it was all a joke, but that never happened. Selina just looked at her daughter with the face of utter seriousness.

“Okay…” Y/N mumbled, “and you’re worried because… you’re a thief?”

“I’m worried cause I have a vigilante for a daughter,” Selina said, “I’m not worried about myself. If Bruce finds out that you’re… Lynx…” Selina trailed off, not finishing the sentence.

Y/N leaned forward and held her mother’s face. Y/N saw the fear in her mother’s eyes. It didn’t hit Y/N how frightened her mother was of something happening to her daughter until she saw the fear of it in her eyes at that moment. Bruce wouldn’t kill vigilantes, it didn’t take an idiot to figure that out, but what could happen was Y/N worked with Bruce and got fatally injured in the process – that was Selina’s fear and a valid one too.

“I’ll be careful,” she assured her, not saying what she was really thinking. If Bruce Wayne was Batman, and she was working with him through her internship, then she had an opportunity far greater than she originally realised, far greater than even Jason had realised. Y/N had an opportunity to see how to improve herself as a vigilante. “I promise! Give it a chance, Mum, if it doesn’t work then I’ll tell Bruce Wayne where he can shove his internship.”

Selina looked hesitant but nodded regardless.

“Alright, fine,” Selina sighed, “I’ll give it a chance.”

[gimmesumsuga]

Sweeter than Sweet (78)

AO3 link

Pairings: Jimin x reader, Yoongi x reader, Jimin x Yoongi, Namjoon x reader, Taehyung x reader, Jungkook x reader, Jin x reader.

Warnings: mentions of sexually explicit acts, non-consensual blood-drinking, self-hatred.  

Word count: 3k

Previous / Next

If the below gif belongs to you, please let me know so I can properly credit. 

Namjoon had never intended to stay this long when he’d stepped foot into her dimly-lit studio apartment during the early hours of the morn’.  

A lettings agent might describe the place as cosy but cramped would be by far the more fitting adjective.  A tired looking kitchenette, a slightly off balance dresser and a barely-double bed fill what little space there is, and whilst it may be sparsely furnished Namjoon’s thankful that it’s clean.  True, it’s a long way from the opulent surroundings he’s become so accustomed to, but as they say, ‘beggars can’t be choosers’.

It’d been the shade of her hair and the sway of her hips that had first drawn him to her, nothing much deeper than that.  Easy on the eyes, she’d seemed equally easy prey as tipsy as she was on leaving the club in which he’d first spotted her; her looks so similar to yours as she’d danced beneath the flashing lights that he’d sworn she must’ve been your twin.  

Of course, you have your differences.  She’s far feistier than you. She laughs louder and longer and had had no qualms in stumbling home with a stranger on her arm, lacking your coy smiles and blush, petal pink.  

“Oh fuck, Namjoon!”  Her voice was rougher than yours, too, he discovered.  Husky from her nicotine habit, he’d hated how harsh it sounded when she’d moaned his name; a problem easily solved by a hand wrapped around her throat.  It was all too easy to pretend she was you once silenced - even easier when bent over on all fours, his jutting hipbones slamming bruises into her behind.  

The strands of her hair had looked identical to yours twisted around his fingers but there’d been none of your gasps and keens when he’d grabbed in fist and tugged; none of your soft sighs or desperate moans.  It’d been a simple enough task for him to conjure them into his mind, though, and your doppelganger had been all too happy to let him drag her around into any position he saw fit - to use her body to live out all the fantasies he’d been saving up for you until both were utterly spent.

He’d considered killing her, then, and tells himself he likely would’ve done had it not been for a stroke of serendipity; a lucky coincidence that benefited them both.  Her apartment sits almost opposite the bar in which you work, it turns out; her large window providing the perfect perch from which to watch its patrons come and go, blissfully ignorant of any watchful eyes that may linger on their backs.  

Namjoon had fallen asleep after their tryst that night with the knowledge that his preoccupation with the woman curled at his side had cost him his chance to see you, but it wouldn’t happen again.  In the nights that followed, he promised himself he’d be sure to take advantage of the fortunate circumstance with which he’d been blessed.

She’d woken up late the next morning, flustered and hungover, and had been too concerned with getting to work on time to waste any she had to spare on asking Namjoon to leave.  Tugging on her coat, she’d hastily told him to make himself at home or see himself out whenever he was ready. What was hers was his it seemed, at least for the time being.

Really she was far too kind - too trusting of the stranger she’d welcomed not only into her bed but also her home.   Her naivety reminded him of you, and yet he couldn’t seem to hold that against her. There were much worse things that a person could be, Namjoon supposed.   

Perhaps it was an ounce of pity, too, that had meant he was allowed to stay.  Maybe she was more observant than she at first seemed. Maybe she’d noticed the shabbiness of his clothes as they’d been shed, or maybe he’d too obviously enjoyed the feel of clean, soft blankets against his skin.  It’d been weeks since he’d slept in a proper bed; falling asleep almost as soon as his head had met the pillow.

He’d dozed most of the day away after she’d left, rising only briefly in order to wash and dry his clothes in her machine.  There was no real reason to be awake until evening fell, after all, and a quick scan of her apartment had revealed little more than a few dog-eared issues of Cosmo in the way of entertainment, none of which he had any desire to read.  

When the time had come for your shift to start Namjoon had made sure he was stationed at the window, watching impatiently for your arrival with a clenched jaw and restlessly bobbing knees, his gaze flicking down the street this way and that.  With each minute that passed by the more agitated he would become, rising from his seat to pace along the threadbare carpet only to pause when your insufferable colleague came into sight, entering the bar as Namjoon watched on with clenched fists.   

Several minutes passed by before a roar of frustration interrupted the grinding of his teeth, hit suddenly by the awareness of an obvious oversight he’d made.  You don’t work on Sundays - you never have. You wouldn’t be at the bar that night, either, and the realisation made him very nearly tear out his hair in a fit of frightful anger.  

He’s no fool; Namjoon is well aware of how obsessive his behaviour towards you has become.  It wouldn’t be like this if only you’d paid his warning heed and left the manor - if you’d just let him keep you safe.  He wouldn’t have to watch you so closely if you were right here by his side.

Of course, the logical part of him that remains understands that after all that’s happened between you that safety is probably the last thing you’d associate with his name.  But that was a mistake; a stupid, terrible mistake he’d made when driven near mad with jealousy and blinded by blood lust. He hadn’t wanted to hurt you… not really. He’d just wanted to make you see.

Back to the present, and Namjoon is only just calming down by the time he hears the door to the apartment open and her voice calling out tentatively just after.  It’s evident by her wide-eyed look when she sees him sat at the foot of her bed that she’d doubted he’d still be here but she doesn’t seem dismayed by the fact; just the opposite, actually.  Her face splits into a wide smile and she teases him about not being able to keep away as she places a bag of groceries down on the counter, crossing the small space to come sit on his lap as soon as he beckons her with a curl of his finger.  

She may not be you but the weight of someone warm within his arms is pleasant nonetheless.  She’s an outlet through which he can vent all his frustrations, one he intends to make good use of, and within minutes of her stepping through the front door Namjoon has her naked and wanting beneath him, begging for him in ways he only wishes you would.  He’s rougher than is necessary when he takes her, he thinks, but that only seems to make her crave him all the more; clawing at his back and burying her face in the crook of his neck, lavishing kisses upon his skin.

She doesn’t hear him grunt your name under his breath as he cums and fills her carelessly with his seed, too preoccupied with her own pleasure to realise that his mind is elsewhere, with someone else.  Perhaps she wouldn’t care even if she did.

He wishes that his mind were able to always stay so blissfully distracted, but as soon as he rolls off of her body and onto his back it soon begins to race along to the tune of their laboured breaths.  Realistically, Namjoon knows he can only remain a lodger in her apartment for so long. It’ll start looking odd if he tries to linger any longer than just one more night, regardless of how hospitable she may be.  Perhaps he should just remove the problem entirely. If he were to do that then he could stay as long as he likes; watch your comings and goings as much as he pleases.

Namjoon turns his head to the side and watches her for a moment, eyeing his host’s profile.  Her ample chest is heaving up and down as she catches her breath following tonight’s exertions, her eyes closed and a sated smile stretching out her lips.  He’s worn her out so well that he can hear the blood thumping through her veins with every bounding pulse - a sinful siren call - and the sight of her jugular throbbing beneath her skin has a famished Namjoon very nearly groaning aloud with hunger.  

It’s been too long since he last fed.  Cast out of his home, he’s had to resort to snatching mere mouthfuls from those who least likely to remember or be believed; drunks and bums and other such undesirables.  Each one has left a bad taste in his mouth, enough to stave off hunger but never truly satisfy. Part of him wonders if any blood other than yours ever will, now he’s learnt what heaven tastes like.  

Unable to resist the call, Namjoon slots himself against her side and buries his head into the crook of her neck, one arm around her waist to pull her naked form flush with his.  The fragrance of her perfume lingers on her skin; a somewhat spicier scent than yours but by no means unpleasant. He nuzzles into her and she laughs, unalarmed, and why should she be?  She has no idea of his nefarious nature, nor how close to danger she really lies.

“You know,” she smiles, planting a kiss to the top of his head, “I hadn't really expected someone like you to be so cuddly.”   Namjoon chuckles wryly in response to that and places a kiss of his own to her slender neck, tightening his grip around her waist.

“Someone like me?” he queries curiously.

“Yeah, you know; tall, dark-” Namjoon tilts his head up to meet her eyes, surprised by the warmth that greets him there. “- Devastatingly handsome.”  He laughs again at the sight of her cheesy grin, tucking his head back into the gentle slope of her neck.

It reminds him of something you would say; a sweet, stupid joke that’d make you blush as soon as it falls from your lips, eyes twinkling.

“I’m full of surprises,” he murmurs lowly, the timbre of his voice making her squirm a little in his arms, her thighs pressing together.  If only she knew what dark secret to which he’s referring - the same secret that has him kissing his way down her jugular, lips pressed to her pulse and fangs aching with desire.  

She hums contentedly, arching her body into his and tilting her head to the side in encouragement of his affections.  

“Joon…” she sighs softly and he feels her fingers running through his hair, too-long nails dragging at the roots.   Her pulse begins to race with excitement and the sound of it thudding through her veins is what proves to be Namjoon’s final undoing, able to resist no longer.  

His draws his lips back to bare his pointed teeth, digging his fingers into her flesh as he plunges; embedding them into her neck.  

Her reaction is both uninhibited and instantaneous; her soft limbs turning rigid as agony hits like lightning and her shrieks of terror fill the apartment, bouncing off the walls.  Molten copper gliding across his tongue and slipping down his throat - warm, rich and thick - Namjoon tries his best to shut them out, keeps his eyes tightly closed as he rhythmically draws his nourishment from her veins.  

It’s hard, though, when he feels her tugging at his hair and then shoving against his chest, kicking her legs in a fruitless attempt to get away.  All the while she’s screaming, crying, and he’s not had anyone fight him like this since he fed on you. He barely even realises the fervour with which he’d begun to feast is already waning, frowning distractedly as he sucks at her wounds and pins her to the bed with his far larger frame.

“No, stop, please!” she cries, and it feels all too familiar; all too visceral, all too raw.  “Please, d-don’t!” she begs through tears, “Namjoon!”

It was a mistake to purposefully seek out someone so like you, he sees that now.  As her naked body writhes in agony beneath him it’s your cries of pain rather than hers that Namjoon hears; it’s your tear-streaked face he sees behind his eyelids.  Unbidden, the memory makes it feels as though his ribcage is constricting around his lungs - a sucker punch right into his sternum - and the nectar that was at first so exquisite now tastes bitter as it passes over his tongue.  

He doesn’t want to remember what he did to you; doesn’t want to have to live it all over again.  He never intended to hurt someone he cares about so deeply or lay yet another relationship to ruin, and yet that’s all he ever seems capable of doing, isn’t it?  It’s a struggle to remember a single person that he’s loved whom he hasn’t let down; you, his parents, his brothers. Each one pains him to recall, but none so much as the first shameful failure from which all of this started; his inability to save his precious sister from a fate she’d done so little to deserve.  

It should have been him.  He should’ve been the one to die - to wither away in a hospital bed so she could live on and become a far greater person that he could ever hope to be.  What would she make of the despicable creature he’s become? The answer is painfully obvious, really. She’d hate him, maybe even more than Namjoon hates himself, and deep down he knows he’d deserve it. There’s nothing separating him now from the monster that’d preyed on his vulnerability, used his desperation to lure him and then so cruelly inflicted him with this curse.    

He’s no better than that.  His betrayal of his brothers and his attacking you finally proved it once and for all.   Truly, he’s little more than a monster.

The remorse that consumes him is so potent it makes him feel as though he’s drowning in the blood he’s stolen from her.  He chokes on the next mouthful, the sound of your pitiful cries still ringing in his ears as he lurches away. So hard does he cough and splutter that crimson droplets splatter across her sheets like some macabre piece of art, and as he struggles to catch his breath he can hear her sobbing and scrambling to get away - a thud as she feels to the floor in her haste to flee from the demon in her bed.  

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon chokes out, “God I’m so sorry.”

He doesn’t even realise the sob that follows is his own until he puts his head in his hands and tears wet his palms.  His chest heaves with the weight of them, the passageways of his throat becoming raw with all the rambling apologies that follow and the heavy sobs that rip through it.  

“J-just… p-please,” he hears her say in a weak and trembling voice.  Namjoon looks up - her blood drying on his lips - and is horrified by the sight that greets him; his victim cowering naked in the very furthest corner of the room.  The hand that’s pressed to her neck is stained sticky red, tears flowing unrestrained from eyes that are wild and scared and staring. “P-please don’t hurt m-me.” She flinches when regret hits him so hard that he has to place a hand on the bed to steady himself.  “I w-won’t tell anyone. P-please, just-just l-leave.”

Namjoon nods his head because it’s all he can seem to bring himself to do, tearing his eyes from her and rising from the bed as if on autopilot.  He scrubs the blood from around his mouth with the back of his hand as he searches for his clothes and pulls them on, each whimper and sniffle that he hears threatening to start his own tears anew.

He’s never felt like this before; never felt such remorse for doing what comes so naturally to his kind save for the one occasion that he fed from you.  And that’s the problem, it seems. Ever since that time, no longer can he feed without your face appearing in his mind. He can’t enjoy it the way that he once did, too preoccupied with the memory of the shame and the sadness that overwhelmed him following the expulsion from his home.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon repeats once more, his palms extended toward her as if trying to soothe a wounded animal, placating.  “I give you my word - you won’t ever see me again,” he promises, fleeing out into the night so that he need not look again at the terrified expression that she wears upon the face that looks so much like yours.

Stepping out onto the pavement, Namjoon stares blankly at the bar sat on the opposite side of the street.  His thoughts are bleak; longing for the day he might no longer have to feel this way - no longer loathe himself to the very core.  He knows he’s deserving of the hate he’s received - there are numerous ways in which he’s earned it - but he’s just so... tired of it after all these years.  So very, very tired of it all.

The one singular thing that keeps him going is the desire that consumes him; to see you, to watch out for you; to make sure you never come to the same harm again that he put you through.  

Maybe, Namjoon hopes - Maybe one day he might be able to make all of this up to you.