#would save me a lot of stress
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professor admitted he's reading every section of everyone's coursework paper individually (all the intros at once, all the method sections at once, etc) so won't know which corresponds to which. i'm trying to stop repeating myself so much in papers but now i'm having to make sure everything is justified/explained in every section because someone can't be arsed to read a piece of work as it's meant to be read
#bold move from a man who's linked a million papers to 'help' with this coursework#and they're all written by him#if i'm forced to read all of his boring work then why shouldn't he read mine#i know he's got a markscheme that goes by section but it feels odd to not be reading them one after the other#since every student is going to have done something different in their simulations#he said he marks by section so it's easier to 'compare them' ok. are we marking on a curve now#shouldn't be#i'll be stubborn and use my ieee conventions for a mechanical engineering paper so maybe he'll see my sections among the others#and think Oh#this electronic engineer who i forgot was in my module.#(because he keeps assuming we'll all know certain mechanics concepts)#hence he'll remember what i've written before#and take in my whole paper AS A WHOLE#tbh i think he just shouldn't have admitted he reads them like that#would save me a lot of stress
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my stardew farmer ^_^ he doesnt have a green thumb for shit so he keeps animals and does mining
some tidbits i came up with while playing hehe
reclusive and doesnt really go out of his way to talk or visit people unless its an errand. but he also doesnt try to befriend others to get something out of it, so he has a very easygoing approach to making friends. on good terms with linus and sebastian since he runs into them most often.
if he respects or takes a liking to someone, he'll greet them with miss/mister (name). if you get close to him he starts using first name basis. if he doesn't like you, he'll refer to you by your title without using your name. only a few people have caught on to this.
the farm he inherited, Milky Way Farm, was the site of a meteorite crash and sometimes you can find shards of meteor debris littered around the farm (i picked the hilltop farm bc of this lol)
lost his sweater and pants a long ass time ago and doesnt have the time to look for them, so hes been working in his sleep clothes ever since
isnt actually grandpa's real heir to the farm... ;)
#sorry i havent been getting around to artfight attacks or art of anything lately bc my pen :) decided now would be the perfect#time to fucking bail on me :))) its gen 1 apple pen too so the fucker is discontinued hate and death on plsnet earth#like it TECHNICALLY works but only if i pair and re-pair it with the ipad until it senses it and that can be up to 38 tries#even then itll suddenly stop working if i take it off the ipad for more than 10 fucking seconds so i am not having a good time. this is the#second pen that this has happened to and i dont think its my ipad or software jesus christ. whatever. ill pretend not to care so it#fixes itself faster#ANYWAY COSMO!! YEAH. STARDEW IS STUPIDLY ADDICTING. i got it during the sale but im playing it on ios rn since i#dont have steam on my pc rn. i started a new save after the first one fizzled out and i think im doing way better this time yay#its a special kind of stress when u need to be in bed and its 1:50AM but the cat is in the fucking way#i wanna make more stuff with this guy i have a lot of stuff i wanna draw for him. i have a little backstory for him in mind#ill probably make a separate post to explain it but its a very long series of misunderstandings and ouran haruhi gender fuckery#my art#myart#my oc#oc#stardew farmer#sdv farmer#sdv#stardew valley#doodles#stardew
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Hey everyone! this is where the zebra is currently with the design.
It has knee braces!! I will most probably be drawing the zebra usually with them on, but it’s no requirement, for example if anyone else wants to draw the zebra :-]. I always like to make sure an animal design has official colors underneath any clothing and accessory anyway. I think this will be final! thank you everyone for your feedback!



As a reminder, aside from why the zebra was requested for this flag, this is also just a zebra with the disability pride flag on it. It’s just a deisgn to fit the flag, with input from other disabled people in our community. It doesn’t mean other animals can’t have designs with these colors, too! I don’t mean this design to be the only mascot for all disabled people. It’s just a silly series i do of pride animals, and at the time, during disability pride month, I wanted to see what everyone wanted me to start off with for this flag!
the goal with my pride animals is to take requests and make people feel happy and seen.. that’s all <:-)
#disability pride#pride animals#disability#disability pride flag#zebras#I’ve been a little stressed about this animal for the past week.. I will be honest with you#The zebra has many stripes and I wanted to try my best to make sure it wouldn’t cause issues like headaches or other things#also.. if]ve been working on this for a while now.. i want to call it done soon!#But now that this is finished#I will start designing stickers and pins to put on redbubble and also for me to print IRL!#thank you everyone! I’ve also learned more than whatbI already knew this week#Even if it was stressful it was fun to see everyone get so excited when I would show updates to the designs#Sorry for a long speech.. I am a very nervous person today#Excuse my typos! I’m a fast typer and tired from the day#ebonytailsart#Thank you yomcloud for giving me your feedback as well. I don’t have a lot of perspective on visual processing disorders and photensitivity#so it meant a lot to me#just like the other pride animals I am very open to making more animal designs for this flag! But I’d like to save it for the future instea#It’s a bit too soon at the moment. thank youuu
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oh, i figured out aya's skill.
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd aya#ngl this like is making me lose my mind because she's had one this entire time#and it's so fucking obvious in retrospect#but was like. was introduced. slowly. it was not really obvious at first. but you can look back and see how it's present even in the ova.#anyway i don't mean to tease but i wrote out about a third of the theory and then started cracking open other parts of the story with sarah#and now i'm exhausted so i'm going to sleep#but i am certain. like there is no doubt in my mind. that i know what aya's skill is. it fits textually and metatextually#and explains a cryptic comment asagiri made in an interview.#where he said watch aya. like. most of what's been incredible has been obvious.#but no. you can see her skill. and it's SUCH a love letter to aya koda.#in a way i was worried he wouldn't pull off. because it felt like her skill was going to manifest from the stress. and it would be like op.#which isn't. who she was. she was a subtler sort of brilliant. one who exemplified virtue. and this skill is so. it's so good. it's fitting#it also explains akutagawa's dragon outfit.#like. there are a lot of theories i've had that are theories. this is not one of them. we might get the confirmation next chapter.#unfortunately i will need to lay out some confucian concepts for it to make sense. hence why i'm saving this for later. but i'm.#asagiri is insane i want to pick his brain and also follow him around like mary magdalene and learn from him.
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Trying out a new technique (again).T.T I (once again) struggled just to draw simple stuff oof;;; so I made their bodies more abstract idc.T.T This is pretty different to what I typically do/work, but uhh hopefully this doodle/experiment/whatever comes out okay;;; But yippee drew my rarepair Andre x Alain after so many years.;w;
#gloomydraws#shitting bricks bc i'm drawing this without some#sort of lineart#even a messy lineart would calm me#but......i wanna try it out#last time i kinda struggled bc i found it to be#in the way so hopefully this might??? be better#idk#also yes the new movie Awakened me a bit lol#i still need to work/finish on my AxA fics too urghhh#i wanna draw some OA too when i get the chance#also oops i still need to upload that andre drawing#another time....#also lmfaoo yeaa i used a brush for the birds#and then loosely traced it with my own knowledge#+ same paint brushes for consistency#i always feel like shit the rare times i do it#but it saves on time + not strain my hand too much;;;#also tbh like??? didn't feel like drawing them from scratch?#it's just for fun so whatever#but it still stresses me out despite it being#a tool made for artists by artists#cuz idk art puritans online are......a lot#but ANYWAYS happy i drew these 2 homos
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Sims 4 Wednesday -- Potential Tiny Town Challenge
Hi all! As we're between Chill Valicer Save updates this week, I wanted to talk to you about something I discovered relatively recently and have been thinking about off and on -- The Tiny Town Challenge! I first learned about this challenge through seeing a thumbnail for James Turner's version on YouTube, and, curious, tracked down the original challenge and rules to see what it was all about. You can get the full rule set and take a look at the original lot and Sims Deligracy created at the link above, but the basic gist is that you spend the challenge setting up a tiny town on a large lot (preferably 64x64) for seven Sims. Each Sim has a specific money-making skill that they must use to earn the funds to build their house on their specific sub-lot, and a favorite decor style and color that must inform what their house looks like. Each Sim is moved in individually, once the previous Sim has finished their house, and the challenge ends when all seven houses and any communal area is fully built.
I took one look at that and I was like "yeah, I'm into it." XD Both because it sounds like a fun challenge, and because it's a challenge with minimal set-up (which is the problem with the challenges I personally have come up with previously -- I think they'd be fun, but they require a loooot of prep!). Having thought about it for a bit, I have some ideas about how I'd like to do the challenge myself -- and some problems that I'm going to have to figure out before I can set this up as a potential alternate save file to the Chill Valicer Save:
-->Location: I decided relatively quickly that I'd like to do the challenge in Windenburg, setting up a little community on The Crumbling Isle (something like how Plumbob Paragon set theirs up). I almost never play in Windenburg, so I figured that setting the challenge there would be a good way to encourage me to wander around that world and see the sights. And I already have some ideas about using the other lots to make a true town out of the island -- like turning one lot into a Community Space to get a community garden going, or another lot into a retail store that a couple of the citizens run. Might be fun!
-->Citizenry: Well, you guys know me -- of course the first three residents of the tiny town would be Victor, Alice, and Smiler. However, I'm having trouble deciding on who the other residents of the town could be. The way I see it, I have two options for the rest of the group:
Option One: Add Victoria Everglot and Emily Merrimack and do a "Four Victorians Riding A Roller Coaster" polycule thing on the tiny town lot! This would be fun as it would allow for amusing and adorable polycule shenanigans...but the problem here is the color schemes. Specifically, while Smiler is fine with their primary color being Yellow, Victor, Alice, and Emily ALL suit Blue being their primary color (Victor has his blue butterfly and blue tie -- plus I've always headcanoned it as his favorite color; Alice has her iconic blue dress; and Emily has her blue -- everything), and Alice and Victoria would both suit Red (Alice has that iconic red blood splatter on her apron; Victoria has her red dress). Now, I know how I could fix this for Alice -- make her primary color Green, to match her eyes -- but I'm not sure what to do about Victor and Emily. I mean, when it comes down to it, Emily would have to get Blue, look at her, but the only other alternate colors I can think of for Victor would be Black or Grey, and that would result in a depressing-looking house. :( So yeah, bit of an issue there!
Option Two: Add my young Emmett "Doc" Brown Sim (patterned off his appearance in BTTF: The Game), a fem!Malkavian Fledgling Sim I downloaded off the Gallery (which I'm already planning on calling Mal Kavian), a Preston Garvey Sim, and my take on a Wheatley Sim to the gang and just represent pretty much all my favorite fandoms and games in one go. The bonus here is that I've got the full roster of seven Sims; as stated, I'm representing a bunch of things I enjoy, not just the primary three; and I get a tiny bit of diversity by including a black character as a primary. However, there are also a couple of issues here:
I'm not entirely sure I want to do the challenge with the full compliment of seven Sims, as I have trouble wrangling a mere three sometimes in my Chill Valicer Save. And before you ask, no, I don't have For Rent, so I couldn't turn the lot into a Residental Rental and just play one family at a time. I'd have to really fight with my own micromanaging tendencies to get this to work!
We again have color overlap issues because Victor, Preston, and Wheatley ALSO all suit the color Blue (Victor for the reasons listed above; Preston because the Minutemen have blue as their primary color scheme; and Wheatley because his eye is blue in the game). Now, admittedly, this one is a bit easier to solve -- make Preston's color Light Brown to match his iconic duster (yes, Sims 4 actually distinguishes between Light Brown and Dark Brown -- the only color that gets that distinction in the sort!), and Wheatley's White to match his core's outer shell -- but still. I am apparently obsessed with Blue characters!
Now, I can think of an interesting way to solve this dilemma -- set up two tiny towns on the Crumbling Isle on the two biggest lots, and divide the Sims so there's like five or so on each lot. (Suppose it could be like Victor, Alice, Smiler, Doc, Mal Kavian on one, and Victoria, Emily, Preston, Wheatley on another?) That does mean having to do the challenge twice, and wrangling a lot more Sims, but... *shrug* We'll see how I feel!
-->Skills, Colors, and Decors: As previously stated, all Sims have to have a specific skill that they use to fund the creation of their home, and a favorite color and decor style that should inform the look of said home. Now, the decor thing is kind of a mystery to me (I mix-and-match styles all the time when building, and I don't have Dream Home Decorator to make Sims Like specific types -- though it does occur to me that I could just fudge it by having each house just reflect their canon in some way), but I do have skills and colors almost entirely locked down for almost all of my potential citizens --
Victor: His color would be Blue (probably darker shades of such), and his money-making skill would be either Painting or Piano (though I'm leaning toward Painting because I've always headcanoned him as being more private with his music)
Alice: Her color would be Green, and her money-making skill either Painting or Writing (leaning toward Writing because I like the idea of her writing her own books)
Victoria: Her color would be Red, and her money-making skill would be either Knitting or Cross-Stitch (since we know she likes to sew from seeing her working on her blanket in the movie when Victor climbs onto her balcony)
Emily: Her color would be Blue (brighter shades), and her money-making skill would be either Flower Arranging (for her bouquet) or Gemology (for the wedding ring that starts the whole Corpse Bride mess -- it just amuses me)
Doc: His color would be Orange (as part of the BTTF logo), and his money-making skill would probably be Robotics (since it's the most sciencey-one), though I wouldn't say no to Fabrication
Mal: Her color would be Red (because, you know, vampire), and her money-making skill would be Wellness (because it deeply amuses me to have a vampire from that clan doing yoga and spa stuff)
Preston: His color would be either Blue or Light Brown (as previously stated), and his money-making skill would be either Fabrication (because he's the settlement guy, and Fabrication is a lot like how the workshops work in Fallout 4), Woodworking (the more low-tech version of that), or Archaeology (because he clearly enjoys the past, given you find him hiding in a museum and his coat is apparently looted from another one -- probably have to use a mod to make it available outside Selvadorada, though!)
Wheatley: His color would either be Blue or White (again, as previously stated), and his money-making skill would be Programming (again, because of the hilarity factor -- I mean, Wheatley CAN hack in the game, but we all know just how "good" he is at it XD)
Smiler: Their color would be Yellow, and their money-making skill --
And this is where I run into a problem, because I'm not entirely sure what to do for Smiler. Because my version of Smiler's primary thing is chemistry (or alchemy, depending on the setting), and I'm not entirely sure how to best represent that with the skills on offer. Should I do Mixology, on the basis that I heacanon they are also awesome at mixing drinks? Herbalism because that's kind of close (I have a mod that puts Granite Falls bugs in other worlds, so that's not an issue)? Do I rely on Simsonian Library's Apothecary mod and related skill because that is arguably closer that Herbalism? Or do I just fudge things by choosing Mixology or something before turning them into a spellcaster and having them focus on the Alchemy section of the spellbook? Decisions, decisions...
But yeah -- that's what I currently have in mind for any future Tiny Town-related save files I may make! Not gonna guarantee that this is gonna happen, but it's a distinct possibility. :) And if you guys have any suggestions regarding how I should do the tiny town (and what the fuck Smiler's money-making skill should be), please let me know!
#sims 4#sims challenge#tiny town challenge#I am intrigued by the thought of a tiny town#with Victor Alice Smiler and friends#just gotta iron out some of the details#how many Sims I want on the lot for one#like I like the IDEA of a lot of Sims on one lot#but I don't know if it would really stress me out#seven Sims is a lot of Sims to control!#and you know me I tend to micromanage my Sims' lives#so I'd probably keep going around and finding Sims doing Forbidden Activities#having two 'suburbs' with fewer Sims feels like a good idea but#I worry that I would miss my Valicer trio whenever I went to the other lot#that's kind of what happened in Newcrest Adventures near the end#I just wanted to constantly play the Van Dorts#why the Chill Save was for the longest time just Victor and Alice#and is now just Victor Alice and Smiler#and yes someone give me some ideas on how to handle Smiler's special skill#they can't really be a chemist without becoming a scientist#and that's not really in the spirit of the challenge I feel?#I don't know just give me guidance here#queued
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Are you an academic lesbian? 👀
unfortunately yes
#Answered#personal#its the woorst. i got all a's in college save for like three classes i got b's in cuz i couldnt give a big enough shit for them#and now im plagued by nightmares of failing my classes forever cuz i wouldve had to drop out if i didnt get my scholarships#which was the Nightmare Scenario for so long that its ingrained itself into my very being. but im also like a bitch abt it LMAO#like i was the smartest person in any rs/hist/ps class by far and my profs Knew That so anytime some dumb bitch spoke up they looked at ME#like DARING me to speak up bc they KNEW i could pull their spine from their back and like. I WOULD#bc i did the READINGS like a PROPER STUDENT and loved opportunities to make men suffer for disrespecting my beloved profs#and now im a pre-k teacher who uses NONE of the stuff i learned cuz i went to college for the fun of academia lol#and lowkey its helping me unlearn a lot of stress i love my kids so much i cant wait for summer to be over so i can see them all again#anyway. yes im an academic lesbian its genuinely a struggle to read anything that isnt historical nonfiction and im not kidding#i love american history! 1800-1920 is like my favorite time period to study and first wave american feminism is fascinating to me
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so uh.. i really don't know how to address this and really hate having to resort to it but we are in a bit of a trouble..
we are at risk of losing our house. many situations of the year as led payments to be severely behind. as a result, the owners who claim the property are planning to sell the house on nov 28th in order to satisfy the debt owed unless we come up with some way to get caught up enough that we can continue living there. we're trying to explore all possibilities that'd help us with it but all the updates i get, those odds seem to be against us.
we are genuinely stressed and scared at the thought of losing everything. it took me years to finally move out, but i'm afraid of moving back to my parents where i might have to get rid of some of my animals ( as i don't think they have a space that will accommodate three rabbits and a rat ), and being mentally/emotionally abused by my 'sister' again while my parents do nothing about. i really want to do everything i can to help, i even offered to pay ~$1,000 if it'd help but my roommate didn't want it to stress me out, even if it could help.
i wish i could do more but like most jobs, especially animal care, pay like shit. so i'm asking for help, which is of no pressure to those who can't! but we could really use the help. whatever helps, helps. if needed, i can provide the paper -- with permission -- essentially stating the same thing regarding the debt we owe: $17,540. ( roughly ). i'm not sure if they're expecting the total amount within 3 months or at least half of it; enough that we can keep the house.
WHAT I CAN TRY.
i can do small graphics for themes & dash banners for $5-$10+ i can show examples of what i've done throughout the years, including my most recent ones if you'd like to see. or, i'm not great at it, but i can draw you wolves ( i used to draw elemental wolves growing up so if you want a custom one -- that can definitely be something i can do ), dogs, rabbits, pet portraits -- like current or passed away pets you want to a memory of -- which i can also show a portfolio of.
for my personal arts or donations:
cashapp for donations: $WolfyBun.
Chime for personal arts: $WolfyBun.
#( per my anxiety of course i feel like this is my fault with job-hopping bc a lot of my jobs have treated me like utter shit )#( to not having one for a bit bc no one would get back to me until my parents could pay me for babysitting in order to help )#( i was genuinely happy to have finally moved out and finally get more rabbits but now im stressed im going to go back to square one )#( we're trying all options to save the house but this is here in case we urgently need something if what is available fails )#financial help.#free to reblog.#urgent PSA.
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ART FLASHBACK: January 16th, 2023

#hokomate!!#yeah theres a lot of this#despit da haters dis was the coolest thing i did in 2023#i would brng it back but it might be stressful wth college but then again. i could just be lenient on myself#i have been doin a litttttle behind the scenes#cuz of of cours.e.. we are gay. no matter wat#urgggk#save me checkmate checkmate checkmate save me#1.16.24#art flashback!!
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It’s not October yet and I promised to work on finishing my WIPs but y’all have no idea the excitement I hold as a Swiftie and a Sportie. I am winning and the October prompts are about to be so much more fun for me!
#cynful babbles#a sports AU you say? I know it should be soccer but I’m very American#also my team won today too so it’s been a very good sports day for me#I cried cause I was so emotional and screamed and cheered and was stressed as per usual#Tay helped save me but sports kept me sane so yeah I can’t be normal about either#it’s why I’m so happy to see my favs collide. and I will be extra upset when I see slander#I’m not exaggerating when I say watching my team play was the only thing that kept me going during those days#I could not have handled all the weight I was carrying if I didn’t have those few hours to scream at my team#it’s just like a fandom. my dedication and love for it is just as strong#I would not be here today if it wasn’t for music and sports and my fav shows#this really should be a lots of love post but I kinda wanted it on the writing blog so here we are
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So far on Wellbutrin I don't get constant lingering anxiety so much as I randomly get hit in the head with softballs of intense anxiety. Not even anxiety attacks because I've had those and know what those feel like (and mine last for a looooong time), just like no thoughts head empty to a sudden powerpoint recap of everything I'm worried about this month with a feeling of intense dread about 15 times a day for 1 minute
#Also job stuff is stressing me out because temporary#How long is up in the air but they might not need as many people soon bc some things finished up [screams cries throws up]#If it wasn't tax season I would have way more savings :[#not art#vena vents#At least it doesn't make me feel like I'm going insane like Zoloft did#I just get mad easier and lost ingrained politeness social filters in situations where the person doesn't earn it lmaooo#I would benefit from stimulants and other meds probs bc a lot of my anxiety is a result of ADHD shit and obsessive compulsive behaviors#SSRIs and NDRIs don't do much for me#But unfortunately the mental health system is overloaded here and on Medicaid I doubt i'd find a place with openings#so uh. no official diagnoses for me just the extremely obvious knowledge of what I have by everyone who knows me#and years of research lmao
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not me buying tickets to see my local theater's production of a midsummer night's dream for the third time lmaoooo
#liveblogging life#it's just really good y'all!!! it's SO fucking funny#and the costumes are beautiful and there's a lot of fun musical moments#and unexpected moments of tenderness which catch me off-guard#and they have the woman playing helena open the show with a meta introduction#and then she does some crowd work and finds a couple that's been together for a long time and asks them some questions#and then CREATES A WHOLE SONG about their love story and plays it in the final scene!!!!#both times i went it was a completely original song built out of the answers the couple gave to her questions hand crafted for them#and they get a little scroll with it too!!!#idk who came up with that idea but it's SO sweet and genuine and i love it so much#but i cannot stress enough: this production is CRAZY FUNNY and i've died laughing both times i went to see it#i bought tickets to see it on its final night bc a) i really want to see it again before it's gone forever and b)#i'm kind of hoping they do some crazy shit on their final show lmao#i love my local theater but i wish someone would let them know they could make SO MUCH MONEY if they recorded their shows#and sold the recordings. people like me would buy them so quick lol#my sister: why did you go see the history plays twice???#me: SOON I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE IT AGAIN! I HAVE TO SEE IT LIVE AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE!#it makes me so sad i'll never see that particular actor play henry v again... god he was so fucking good. they were SO GOOD y'all. god.#anyway this theater just released their new year line up and theyre doing MACBETH next year!!!!!! so excited!!!!!!!!#me: i'm working so much to save money for my trip!#me: spends all my savings money on theater and concert tickets
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how are name-brand frosted mini wheats 2 entire dollars more expensive than the generic? literally there's no difference between them 😭
#it's shredded wheat with sugar on it how different could they even make it if they tried?#after buying a car im like even more obsessed with saving money than i normally am#and i think im gonna go insane about it if i don't just stop thinking about money#hate how companies cannot just provide services they have to take the opportunity to try and manipulate or trick you into overspending#and don't get me started on things that cost an amount that is totally different from what they should really be worth#tech items that cost pennies to make but the company charges you $50 for it#paying $30 to be allowed to choose between the open seats on an airplane or to just. bring a small carry-on#no shot in hell that my 2 lb bag would cost them an extra $30 in fuel but they'll charge that anyway!#diamonds..... costing anything at all lmao#at least w that one i have other options like cubic zirconia is both cheaper and prettier#but the idea of it is still fucking absurd#it's the manipulative sales tactics and the fact that we have to go through those things in order to purchase basic necessities#right down to groceries everything is just designed to try and make you spend#but wages are low and for most people it takes a lot of hours of work to save up any meaningful amount#so that just makes it incredibly stressful because avoiding the manipulative sales tactics then becomes necessary to survive#but it's all just a game to the people in power making the decisions and selling the products#im sick! to! death!#and clearly not doing well mentally bc one trip to the grocery store has me spiralling like this 😭😭😭 lmfao
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My therapist for about six months: Ok, well the problem is that I doubt you could really heal unless you take the medical leave, but I understand the process is stressful and uhm...
Me visibly larping eternal darkness on the nintendo game cube: perhaps, but I think I'm kinda fine right now because if I compare to when my life was shittier it's not as bad you see. Look "🙂" that's an okay doing emoji. Also the problem is that I'm not fully certain I'm actually eligible to medical life so I guess it'll be what it will be until it cannot be anymore. Teehee.
My therapist: ...hm...
#the thing is what i do for work is really putting a strain on me and making me realize that ptsd in the way it manifests is tricky#because the problem with triggers is that it's not exactly what i expected#it's hardly anything that have to do with what happened more than everything around it and that's probably the distinction with paranoia#given that my fears aren't unfounded and i can never be fully certain if I'll ever be really safe on my own#like a lot of people and even myself did ask if it bothered me to live with roommates and would I prefer being on my own#and the truth is...not really like I think I'd be 400% more stressed if I was on my own#and my roommates have been through about the same shit (oh but worse...which kinda worked like magic on my perspective)#so it feels...really safe in a way i never had before and not having to mask in those circumstances is worth way more than a brand new condo#that's ironically the biggest reason it couldn't work with my ex at all#it wasn't exactly an individual problem of character but the environment stressed me soooo much#i kinda felt like Shelley Duval in the shining the whole time it was a mess lmao#it wasn't really my ex's fault tho and the problems were probably genuine mistakes but...#i really had to run away and i didn't really had much interest in maintaining an open wound at that point#i mean it was the most reasonable avenue for both of us given that she had way better opportunities than I did#and it would have been messier to ruin them for someone who can't be saved so
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oh lol i went to the doctor a couple days ago and a couple things happened. There's a new phlebotomist and he's smooth with it. got my right arm vein first try with a bit of careful checking around i was mad impressed. Apparently the sleep doctor i saw a while ago should've written me a referral to a proper sleep clinic and just,,, didn't? and left it up to my pcp lol which i mean she took care of it but like dude. Not only that but the clinic i'm getting a sleazy bit of hrt through asked for my pcp's information only to not use it and told her fucking nothing so next time i meet with them i have to get them on that. she's happy i'm on the hormones tho so that's nice. she was maybe surprised that i was on it since i haven't expressed any dysphoria stuff before but i think it made more sense when i explained it's just for like some editing on my personage and i'm not looking for the more publicly obvious changes as much
#spiced#got a dentist appointment next monday tho bleh#i can't stress how impressed i was with that phlebotomist he's a bit standoffish but he's got the skillz so i'm chill with it#i was kinda worried the same gal as last time would be there it's not like i wanted her to be fired or something#but i also wouldn't want her drawing my blood again#and then again i didn't want to make a whole Thing out of that fact so it was like AAA#this outcome saved me a lot of unnecessary stress
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Another meeting with my advisor where I end up feeling stupid as hell.. I gotta have these on another day
#i think im stupid on Mondays#but also i told him that i realized something about the framing of my thesis and that im excited bc i think this is going to work rly well#and he said he thought id been doing that the whole time#like oh dude why didnt you tell me this would have saved me a lot of stress#ugh! makes me feel like a DUMBASS
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