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scrapyardboyfriends · 7 years ago

Text

11 January 2018

(Wrote a full Plotdale in honor of the White's Exit. It's nearly 3k of nonsense. I hope all of you who have been missing Plotdale, enjoy it. If you make it through, let me know)

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Chrissie, Rebecca, Lachlan and Sebasttiennneeen]

LAWRENCE: Dog is safe away from us! - for the fans

CHRISSIE AND REBECCA: *People who aren’t us will be so happy Face*

*Whites banter about Sebastttttiieennnnnee* #WorstNameEver

CHRISSIE: I can’t believe the Plot is finally setting us free! It doesn’t feel real.

LACHLAN: *Appears* *Miserable about the Plot Face*

LAWRENCE: You could try looking a little more excited about the Plot letting us go, Lucky. I’ve been waiting for this for MONTHS!!! Afterall, I checked out back in August. #BitterAndSalty

CHRISSIE: Yeah, come on Lucky. Australia is lovely and Plot free this time of year. What could go wrong?

LACHLAN: But...I just don’t understand why Belle would break up with me. It’s not like I stalked her when I first arrived and took creepy pictures of her and then sexually assaulted someone and got away with it and then faked suicidal thoughts and then kind of stalked her again when she was dating that doctor #NotAllDoctorsAreNice and then shot granddad and helped you frame an innocent man and then went to prison for it anyway and then there was that time I kidnapped your uncle and tortured him and then I faked my own suicide while I hid in the attic spying on everyone….I mean, I’ve never done anything wrong in my whole life!!! #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

CHRISSIE: You’re so right, nothing is ever your fault, Lucky. And nothing about that attitude is going to come back and haunt me later at all. Also, let me get in one last dig about the Dingles.

LAWRENCE: *Casually Sexist*

REBECCA: *Looks vaguely amused but offended*

CHRISSIE: Go pack! The clock is ticking on our lives!

*The Whites attempt to have cute banter* #TooLittleTooLate #BetrayedByThePlot

LACHLAN: *Murder Eyes*

[Keepers Cottage with Robert and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Robert? Are you sure this insane plan is the right thing to do?

ROBERT: Obviously. We clearly have no other options.

VICTORIA: But like, surely there’s something else we could do that makes more sense?!

ROBERT: I’m waiting….?

VICTORIA: Look! I’m sure there is, okay, but the Plot won’t let me think of any right now.

ROBERT: Great, the crazy plan it is! I mean, I tried to go down the legal route before I did something stupid but the Plot left me no choice!

VICTORIA: But like...will this help you legally?

ROBERT: Does the Plot care about legality? Rebecca just wants to hurt me okay! #YourVictimComplexIsShowing #TheWhitesHaveRubbedOffOnYou

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Chrissie and Rebecca]

CHRISSIE: I’d like to say we had plenty of good times but...we pretty much just messed everything up because the Plot hates us. I mean...we let Lachlan get away with sexually assaulting someone for way too long, I might have gotten my first husband murdered, I set fire to Robert’s car and accidentally killed three people, I found out I wasn’t your biological kid and you fought being gay for so long you were literally shooting teddy bears in the yard, I found out you got my bio dad killed, I tried to date my uncle, we let Rebecca into the house, we all disowned each other five hundred times, we believed Robert Sugden too many times for our own good and WE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WE HAD AN ATTIC!

LAWRENCE: Ah...good times. At least we’re united now! No time left to disown each other before we go!

CHRISSIE: I’m sure everyone will miss us so much. They’ll probably throw a fireworks display in our honor and totally not for ironic reasons. #StopLyingYouLiar Oh and I lied, now I’ll get my last dig in about the Dingles. Cause I’m far superior than them, especially Charity.

LAWRENCE: I’m sorry for all of the horrible things I’ve done and all the gullibility and all the lying.

CHRISSIE: Oh don’t worry Dad, you’re not alone in all of that. I’m also sometimes terrible. But let’s not actually talk about that because why would we admit to our own mistakes properly! Now….let’s go get Lucky and go. LUCKY!!!

REBECCA: Hi, I’ve arrived to deliver the Plot relevant line because I don’t matter! Lachlan is not here. #JobDone

[The Village with Robert, Aaron, Gerry, Tip, Ross, Moses and Victoria]

*Aaron runs with a dog* - for the fans #GetAaronAPuppy

GERRY: *Leaves a message for Lachlan to further the Plot*

AARON: Hey best friend! You look like you’re running away. That’s never a good sign.

GERRY: *interrupts*

AARON: Go away Gerry! I’m trying to have a chat with my idiot husband..I mean best friend.

*Gerry runs ahead*

AARON: So...what are you doing exactly?

ROBERT: *Is Shifty*

ROSS: *Appears with Moses looking like a good dad* #LetTheTheoryLive *References Adam Plot*

ROBERT: Hey best friend Aaron, I know you want to hit him but you learned that violence wasn’t the answer back in your Boxing Filler Plot. This is so 2017 Aaron. That said, he absolutely deserves a punch but just...the Plot doesn’t have time for that right now. You need to not be in prison so we can have that reunion soon.

AARON: Cheers, best friend. Thanks for looking out for me. Back to you though, you look like you’re about to do something stupid but you wouldn’t tell me if you were, would you?

ROBERT: You know me so well. This is why you’re my BFF.

AARON: Please don’t do anything stupid Robert. #ImNotReadyToLoseYou

GERRY: Come on Aaron! It’s time for the Plot to move on without us!

*Aaron and Gerry run away from the Plot*

VICTORIA: Robert! It’s time to do something stupid!

[Wishing Well with Lachlan and Belle]

LACHLAN: Belle, I really don’t understand why you broke up with me so the Plot sent me here to get vital information that will impact the rest of the Plot.

BELLE: Well...I’m going to try really hard not to tell you for a while…

*Tick tock tick tock*

LACHLAN: *Makes lots of super insensitive comments about Belle’s metal health issues*

*Tick tock tick tock*

BELLE: Okay fine, you’re mum told me about your attic lair and I think you need help. So I think that you should go and do what the Plot wants you to do.

LACHLAN: *Sad Murder Eyes*

[Outside Home Farm with Robert, Victoria, Lawrence, Chrissie, Rebecca, Lachlan, Sebastttiiennnee and Sebasstttiiienenne’s inadequate double]

ROBERT: *Super Spy Mode Activate* Look at Rebecca trying to ruin my life. #YourVictimComplexIsShowing

VICTORIA: Let it go, Rob.

ROBERT: Uh...this is the basis for this entire Plot, how can I let it go?

VICTORIA: Because when you’re wound up, you make mistakes and when you make mistakes, people die!

ROBERT: Oh I’m willfully ignoring all of the signs in this Plot. I’m not going to make ANY MISTAKES! No #UnintendedConsequences for this full proof plan!

LAWRENCE: Can we just have one last look that we didn’t miss any opportunities in the Plot? #SoManyMissedOpportunities #PlotVicitms

CHRISSIE: *On the Phone* Come on Lucky, we really need you for this Plot! Just one more time.

REBECCA: *Exists to put Sebasstteeieennne in the car*

*The Whites head back into Home Farm*

VICTORIA: Chrissie! I still have a catering business! I know, right! But anyway, it’s super relevant right now so will you talk to me about it?

CHRISSIE: Uhh...this seems suspicious but okay.

ROBERT: *Super Secret Spy Mode Run* *Opens car door*

SEBASTINENNEEEENNE: *Cries while wearing adorable teddy bear onesie*

ROBERT: *Dad Mode Activate* Today you’re my mate! You know who else is my mate, Aaron. You’re the only two people in the world I care about.

*Camera shifts*

ROBERT: *Picks up Sebasttienneeeenen’s double* It’s okay, I’ve got ya.

SEBASTTTTIIENNE’S DOUBLE: *Does an inadequate impression of a baby*

ROBERT: *Runs* #NoActualBabiesWereEndangeredDuringThisSegment

REBECCA: *Exists for the specific Plot purpose of seeing Robert running*

ROBERT: *Damn this driveway is longer than I remembered Face*

REBECCA: ROOOOBBBBBERRRRRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! #DupedAgain #PlotVictim #UgliestCoatVestThingEver

LAWRENCE: Oh no! What the Plot has happened now?!

REBECCA: *Bad Acting Alert* Robert, Robert, Robert, he’s taken Seb. The Plot wants us to go now!

CHRISSIE: I’ll drive! A decision that will absolutely not come back to haunt me. #PlotVictim

LACHLAN: Oh I think it will. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

[High Speed Chase on a Country Road with Robert, Sebassttteeeiieene, Chrissie, Lachlan, Lawrence and Rebecca]

ROBERT: Hey son, Daddy’s an idiot and sometimes he does really stupid things because he’s not with his husband and the Plot tells him to. But I love you. *Turns Right*

BACKSEAT DRIVERS: *Bad Acting Alert*

CHRISSIE: Lachlan are you okay? You look scarily calm.

LACHLAN: I’m finally channeling my inner psycho. I’ll be okay soon enough.

CHRISSIE: Which way should I go?

REBECCA: Left, definitely left. I know Robert soooo well!

CHRISSIE: *Turns Right*

REBECCA: Why’d you do that?! Don’t you trust my judgement when it comes to Robert?

CHRISSIE: Uh, no. And the Plot has decided to acknowledge that Robert and I had a connection once until you showed up on screen. But it’s my day, so shut up and let me get on with it.

ROBERT: *Tense and Panicked Face*

SEBASSTTITTIEENENE: *Chillin* #MightTakeANap

CHRISSIE: *Sees Robert Ahead* #Vindicated

*White Sisters Argue For The Last Time* #AboutTime

LAWRENCE: How did Robert possibly know about our Super Top Secret Plot?!?! We were soooo careful!

REBECCA: It was you Lachlan, wasn’t it? Not all of us who had multiple conversations about it in full view of the public. I just assumed they didn’t care enough about us to notice us anymore. *Bad Acting Alert* Faster Chrissie!

CHRISSIE: Lachlan, I’m still concerned about how you’re acting. Did you see Belle?

LACHLAN: *Holds Plot Phone* *Means to ignore Gerry’s call*

CHRISSIE: *Gets sudden Plot urge to stroke Lachlan’s fingers*

LACHLAN: *Accidentally does the future Plot a favor and calls Gerry*

[The Mill with Aaron and Gerry]

GERRY: *Ignores the Plot calling* You go Gerry, baby!

AARON: Did you just call yourself baby? I really don’t know why I let you live here.

GERRY: *Crashes Car* #Foreshadowing

PSYCHIC AARON: Crash and burn baby! #FORESHADOWING

[High Speed Chase on a Country Road with Robert, Sebassttteeeiieene, Chrissie, Lachlan, Lawrence and Rebecca]

LACHLAN: I know all about the Plot mum.

CHRISSIE: Wait, what? That’s not supposed to happen. But, look, it’s for your own good. Everything I’ve ever done for you has been for your own good. That’s why you turned out like this.

REBECCA: *Bad Acting Alert* But what about my Plot!!!

CHRISSIE: I love you more than anything in the world Lucky. And that level of love and letting you get away with everything has absolutely not been detrimental to you character.

LACHLAN: You know what we need right now? Some creepy poetry. #LachlansPoetryJam

LAWRENCE: *Bad Acting Alert* Uhh sorry, can we focus on the Plot at hand, please!

LACHLAN: *Recites Creepy Poem* #LachlansPoetryJam

REBECCA: *Bad Acting Alert* But, this is still about MY PLOT! *Cries Inadequately*

CHRISSIE: I was a great mother, Lachlan. Everything I did was your for your own good. But I’m touched you remember my creepy poetry. #MotherOfTheYear

LACHLAN: *Recites More Creepy Poetry*

LAWRENCE: Can this poetry reading wait until we’re in Australia?

LACHLAN: *Psycho Voice* We’re not going to Australia. Don’t you get it, you’re all the monsters. And I have to make all the monsters disappear. *Screams* *Grabs the wheel*

LAWRENCE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! #Iconic

*Screaming*

*Lorry Driver hits the Whites* #TrueHero

ROBERT: *Slams on brakes* *Shocked Face* *I made a mistake Face* #UnintendedConsequences #IShouldHaveSeenThisComing

[Crash Site with Robert, Lachlan, Dying Chrissie, Unconscious Rebecca, Dead Lawrence and Sebastteieenneee]

*Disclaimer: No Lorry Drivers were harmed in the making of this stunt* - for the fans

ROBERT: *Still Shocked Face*

SEBASTTTTIEENNNE: *Cries* *Still Exists*

ROBERT: *Human Mode Activate* - for the fans - *Calls Ambulance* #CharacterGrowth

DEAD LAWRENCE: *Is dead* #Payback

ROBERT: *Panicked Face* It’s a really bad accident that I am in no way responsible for. #UnintendedConsequences

ROBERT: *Human Mode On Overdrive* *Runs to Rebecca first because she’s the mother of the baby chilling in his backseat*

LACHLAN: *I think I just killed my mum Face*

*Robert and Lachlan have a weird hug moment as Robert pulls him from the car*

LACHLAN: Where’s Granddad?

DEAD LAWRENCE: *Still dead*

ROBERT: I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

LACHLAN: *It’s really not, I was going to do it anyway Face* Standing over his dead body is different to how I thought it would be. I’ve only been imagining it for years. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise #TheresStillTime

ROBERT: What happened?

LACHLAN: The Plot will never let me admit that.

DYING CHRISSIE: *Still alive*

ROBERT: *Soft Human Voice* It’s gonna be okay Chrissie, just try and hang on. Just think about yourself.

LACHLAN: The ambulance is coming soon.

CHRISSIE: Are you sure you’re not just going to kill me?

LACHLAN: *The Plot’s not sure yet Face*

[The Woolpack with Victoria, Diane, Gerry and Belle]

VICTORIA: I can’t believe Robert hasn’t called me back after kidnapping his son! How rude!

*Belle and Gerry show up*

VICTORIA: Hey Belle, you haven’t seen Lachlan have you? He’s part of the White’s Plot and I need an update.

BELLE: No, I’m trying my hardest to get out of that Plot.

DIANE: Doesn’t Rob have his mediation today?

VICTORIA: Oh he’s way past the mediation stage? See, he kidnapped Seb...now I know what you’re thinking Diane, but it’s only so Rebecca couldn’t also kidnap him and take him off to Australia.

DIANE: I’m sorry, what is this Plot you’re dragging me into?

VICTORIA: I promise it’s not as stupid as it sounds!

DIANE: *This is going to go SOOO wrong Face*

[Crash Site with Robert, Lachlan, Dying Chrissie, Unconscious Rebecca, Dead Lawrence and Sebastteieenneee]

LACHLAN: *Casually Victim Blames*

ROBERT: *Has a sweet Chrobert moment to remind the audience that they were once a thing and the Plot hasn’t completely forgotten that* *Strokes Chrissie’s Cheek* You just have to hang on a little longer, okay? *Pained Face*

DYING CHRISSIE: *Still dying*

ROBERT: *Has crowbar* I have to get Rebecca out because she’s the mother of my child. That’s the only reason I care at all.

UNCONSCIOUS REBECCA: *Bleeds*

ROBERT: Oh god #UnintendedConsequences

DYING CHRISSIE: *Still Dying*

*Dying Chrissie and Lachlan have some touching mother/son time where she once again insists that she was a great mother and Lachlan tells her that her dad is dead*

LACHLAN: *Feels guilty*

DYING CHRISSIE: *Dies* #RIPChrissie

LACHLAN: I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! #ThePlotMadeMeDoIt

ROBERT: *Witnesses the meltdown* *Cogs Turning*

[The Woolpack with Victoria, Diane, Belle and Gerry]

VICTORIA: So...Robert possibly caused an accident because the Whites were trying to get Seb back.

BELLE: Oh no, suddenly I want to be in this Plot again. I was almost free.

GERRY: I like to be involved in everything. I’m coming too.

DIANE: *I expected this Face*

[Hotten General with Robert, Sebasttttieeene, Unconscious Rebecca, Victoria, Diane, Belle, Gerry, Lachlan and Alex]

ROBERT: Oh no it’s the audition scene!

UNCONSCIOUS REBECCA: *Still unconscious*

VICTORIA: Oh good the BABY is safe! - wow it’s been a while -

BELLE: What about my part of the Plot? Where’s Lachlan?

ROBERT: No clue. He came in the other ambulance. I was too focused on Seb’s mum, Unconscious Rebecca. She looked really awful.

DIANE: And Chrissie and Lawrence?

ROBERT: Dead. #UnintendedConsequences *Cries*

*Cut to Lachlan’s miraculous private room*

THE ONLY DOCTOR IN THE DALES: Hi, I’m Alex, the only doctor in the Dales. *Blah Blah Medical Jargon* Is there anyone you’d like us to call?

LACHLAN: Half my family is dead, you insensitive jerk.

BELLE: Oh Lachlan, I still care about our Plot together. Oh hi Alex,

THE ONLY DOCTOR IN THE DALES: Hi Belle. Remember that one time we met because your dad had a chest infection just so I could show off my perfect doctoring skills and impress Aaron’s family? Oh and that other time we met when I invited myself to yours for Christmas. Anyway, I’ve served my purpose in reminding the audience that I am in fact a doctor, so I’ll see myself out now.

BELLE: Oh Lachlan, it’s good that you’ve got Alex as your doctor cause he’s really nice. It’s literally his only characteristic besides being a doctor. #TowingThePartyLine

LACHLAN: Half my family are dead and all you can go on about is how nice Dr Alex is?!?

GERRY: *Makes an inappropriate comment*

BELLE: You don’t have to tell us about the Plot now…

LACHLAN: *Lies about the Plot* #EverythingIsMyMumsFault

*Back in the waiting room*

VICTORIA: Baby!

DIANE: It’s a blessing he’s still a baby and has no idea what the Plot even is.

ROBERT: Excuse me! I had a Plot like this when I was just a baby and let me tell you, it still affects you later on. People feel sorry for you and you only know half of who you are. #CharacterDevelopment #NeverForgetPatSugden

VICTORIA: This is not the time for old Plot revelations! Rebecca’s not dead yet! There’s no way she’s going to leave her son behind. Cause she’s Seb’s Mother and that’s it.

DIANE: Let’s hope you’re right, Love. #SpeakingForPartOfTheFandom

ANOTHER DOCTOR IN THE DALES: #SuckItAlex Unconscious Rebecca is still unconscious. She'll be in a coma until the Plot needs her again.

ROBERT: I can’t believe I actually was this stupid. Wait, scratch that, I should blame you for letting me be this stupid.

VICTORIA: Are you kidding me? I told you to think about it properly!

ROBERT: Well not loud enough. You’re not Aaron. You’re not proper impulse control for me. #IMissMyHusband And now look what’s happened! #UnintendedConsequences

DIANE: I’m sure he didn’t mean it. *Goes to find Robert*

ROBERT: *Human Robert Still Activated* Yeah I know, I was out of line. #Progress #CharacterGrowth

DIANE: It’s okay, Victoria hardly takes you seriously.

ROBERT: I just don’t understand how this Plot turned out like this. Chrissie just swerved into an oncoming truck. Unless… *Detective Mode Activate* Maybe Lachlan did it.

DIANE: That’s crazy!

ROBERT: And so is Lachlan. I think he did something. I think he might have caused the accident. #DetectiveRobertOnTheCase

#robron #emmerdale #plotdale #if you read it please like or reblog #i spent too long on this

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