#worried about the state of my health is beginning to kill me

[so-i-did-this-thing]

How it's going as a trans person in Florida: Planned Parenthood, 26Health, and Spektrum Health have announced they have paused all gender affirming care.

To recap, DeSantis signed several anti-trans bills into law this week. Care is banned for minors, care is all but banned for adults, Don't Say Gay has been extended, children can be kidnapped from affirming parents by non-affirming family, and there is a bathroom bill that subjects trans folks to arrest for using government owned facilities, such as those in courthouses, airports, many stadiums and parks.

The adult effective ban was felt immediately. The main elements are:

signing at every visit an in-person informed consent form created by the state

all care come from physicians instead of nurse practitioners

no telemed for gender-affirming care

Currently, it is unknown if existing HRT prescriptions written by NPs will be honored by pharmacies. I personally know one person who was able to pick up testosterone yesterday, but I have also read many reports of folks being denied. I myself don't have a refill ready for another 10 days and will report back after I try my own pickup.

What's additionally dangerous is those of us, myself included, who get non-HRT prescriptions from our gender clinics now face the uncertainty of continuing of *all* of our medical care. Our health clinics are at risk of shuttering permanently as they lose major income, and many of us will lose STD meds, depression meds, heart meds, etc, etc.

When we say "this will kill us," it goes beyond suicide risk from forced detransition.

"But you can still get HRT from a physician."

So many suck or are outright hostile and the demand outstrips the supply. Before I found my NP-run clinic, one physician just decided to not call in my Rx, another was so shit at reading lab results, he thought I had hepatitis, and the third I had to threaten to kick in the teeth for trying to force too large a speculum in me.

Also, the state-required consent form has not been finalized and distributed yet, so at this point, everything has pretty much ground to a halt.

It was estimated that 80% of trans adults would lose their healthcare because of how many use providers like Planned Parenthood, but the impact seems even greater now.

"You can get your non-gender care elsewhere still."

DeSantis recently signed a bill that allows healthcare professionals to discriminate against trans people.

Sure, we can try to find care elsewhere, but it will be a slow and expensive process, with no guarantees. It took me over 20 years to get my heart condition treated because of transphobic doctors.

What can I do as a trans Floridian?

Stay in communication with your clinic - many are working on getting physicians added to the roster to prescribe HRT. Lawsuits are being filed and it's possible the changes to adult care can be rolled back.

Continue to try to pick up your meds, but begin looking for care elsewhere, though. Inside and outside the state.

Remember that while telemed for gender affirming care has been banned, you can still cross state lines for care. See Erin's map of informed consent clinics.

Many people will turn to DIY, but be sure you are aware of the risks here, especially if on testosterone, which is a controlled substance.

What should I be worried about next as a trans Floridian?

I worry about the following next steps towards genocide:

Banning getting care out of state. This is from the anti-abortion playbook. They will likely start with kids again, but we've seen how quickly adult care gets axed.

Being declared mentally incompetent or a risk in some way. This could be anything from being barred from gun ownership to not being allowed to work for the government.

Being declared a de facto predator. This has already happened with the latest bathroom law (cis people can eject trans people from government owned single-gender facilities, with arrest as a penalty), so watch out for it being applied to privately-owned facilities. Watch for discussions of official lists of trans people.

Gender presentation enforcement laws, essentially banning "cross dressing". Laws that block or rollback documentation changes.

These all have historic precedence and are huge "I'm in danger" red flags.

What can I do as a cis person?

Amplify all this news. Talk frankly about how this is genocide. And donate what you can to trans mutual aid campaigns so people can travel to get healthcare or even leave the state.

Here's some articles to get started on building awareness:

Take care, everyone, of yourself and each other.

[toomanyideasandfandoms]

Can we have creator wanting to die thing you wrote but with Xiao or venti? İ love my anemo boys. Could be a tic, or if you're lasy just write it as what you think would happen i would appriciate both if you could 🫶

Oooo!! There's an idea! Actually these two would be very interesting to write for me.

-

Venti actually in my head is most likely one of the first to find out about the creator. I've already wrote how it happened in my first oneshot for this so you can scroll my profile for it. But! It's how he acts after that really gets my brain screaming. He would be such a depressed mess, absolutely devastated with himself for harming the divine. Seeing their body turn to ash while smiling had definitely messed him up a bit.

If he finds them again then all hell breaks loose, cause he is definitely gonna try and lock them in a safe place. Though that isn't really successful since creator being so mentally broken can and will find a way to experience another death. Though they can say goodbye to falling from high places as a method cause now the winds of Teyvat just refuse to let them end up as a splatter of muscle and blood, it's especially annoying in trying to push them to safety because of Venti's active paranoia over them.

He also would be helping Nahida in spreading the word to the other archons about the situation, though he very much will take the blame for being one of the first to harm them when they first arrived.

-

Xiao? Oh god Xiao has had enough trauma this is so painful dhskdjf. Because while Xiao I can see as more of a casual follower kind of, the fact that Morax would be such a big worshipper is probably the reason why Xiao would be protective of the Primordial Mother's honor.

It's why he would have the highest kill count, both to dispell any opportunity for Morax to get angry and to uphold the creator's honorable visage.

Which is why if I feel like the more he encounters the broken creator, who is constantly seeking for a more entertaining death, the more likely he becomes...almost worried? Like he would mainly think it's just another lunatic that is super obsessed with the creator that they physically changed their image to look like them as a way to feel closer, but as time went on and each one talks about the previous' death. He would definitely become suspicious.

Normally how I think about why no one found out right away from their first time killing the creator is because it's a common thing to not look at the body of an "imposter" or "heretic" as they die, solely because seeing them in such a state while having the Primordial Mother's face would be a disgrace to them. So they typically wait until the body is gone, and by then the golden blood has disappeared.

This is how Xiao would find out, he would directly look at them as they died before him to fully understand. And upon seeing that golden does the reality of the situation hit him harder than any karmic debt pain he's felt. All those countless deaths, all those bodies that piled up from him. It was the same god, the same creator who the entirety of Teyvat loved.

It's definitely going to eat at him, practically devour his mind and almost shatter his mental state. But instead of fully breaking down, he runs to Morax, the adeptus, anyone he can think of to try to rectify the mistakes he and the others of Liyue have made.

When the creator is put into a safe place by the time the entirety of Teyvat knows, he's the first to volunteer as a guard. To make up for not protecting them like he should've from the beginning. Though this isn't gonna be good for either's mental health since the creator would just beg him to kill them, and him begging them to not say such things and to please forgive him.

[foreverisntenough]

‘OURS’

Summary: You were his and he was yours but what would it be like adding one more? Thrust into a whirlwind romance you never could’ve imagined that became your forever love. You continue building a new life across the pond with a very beautiful Scouser. A sequel to the ‘You’re Mine’ fic.

INDEX

Warnings: This series will contain fluff, suggestion, SMUT (unprotected sex,) pregnancy, parenting, mental health struggles, eating disorder, self doubt, body image issues, daddy kink, angst, alcohol consumption - not sure what else really… if i miss anything please lmk!

Note: Thank you for reading! Please be sure to like, comment, or message me what you think of the series! Try not to nitpick with any real pregnant/ baby logistics it’s better if you just read along happily :)

Warning! This chapter focus on mental health struggles and body image issues (depression and ed) It’s a little dark so if that is at all potentially triggering to you please be advised and do not interact.

Chapter 20 - Miss Mama | ‘Ours’

“She’s okay? God, please tell me she’s okay.” Trent asked in a voice that was heart wrenching. Lauren felt her heart shatter listening to him sound so meek and broken.

“Erm… physically so so, emotionally, T, I’ll be honest it’s not good. I know she fucked up but this isn’t good for you two to be apart. I’m worried.” Lauren croaked out. “I’m here with her now but….” She tried to begin to provide some sort of update but Trent cut her off.

“I need her to be okay, Lauren. I can’t have her like this. I need her. She… She’s my whole world. I am nothing without her. I’m so worried. I was the one that caused all of this. I need her to be okay.” He started to cry. Lauren could hear the gasps for air and sniffles through the phone. “I.. God, I l..love her so much.” Trent began to stutter interspersed between his tears. Lauren hadn’t really ever heard him cry but she understood wholeheartedly how upset he must’ve felt because she was feeling pretty much the same way.

“I know…  I know you do, T. I think she needs to come home. She needs you. Seriously, I know you guys have a lot to unpack after what’s happened but being away from you, from Teddy… it’s killing her. She’s… she’s not well.” Lauren didn’t know how to describe or even articulate your current state. You were gaunt, your face didn’t have the glow it did when you were with him or your baby. Lauren had seen this version of you before though unfortunately. She hadn’t seen it in years but she’d never forget it. Since Trent entered your life there had been an incandescence about you. Sure, you had dips, everyone does but he was there now to hold you through it all. She recalled an ability you had that she hated to morph your body to completely display your emotional state. Your mental condition contorting into a physical one. “T…” Lauren whimpered, starting to cry. “This isn’t the first time this has happened, I know she’s told you. You’ve been so good for her, you’ve changed her whole outlook on life, you treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I’m just worried because this isn’t the first time I’ve had to do this.” Lauren took a deep breath. 

“I am made for her. I know that. That is my purpose. I am supposed to take care of her and cherish her and I was mad, I was upset but I don’t want this. I never wanted to be the one to kick off something like this. God, I’m going fucking mad, here. Why did I let her leave like that ... .Wait, wait, hold on, do what, Laur?” Trent paused his momentary rant to get Lauren to clarify. 

“Winnie told me about the first time. I hadn’t met Y/N yet. She just was so sick. She wasn’t taking care of herself. I know you already know about these things, I don’t have to relay it all to you again. Honestly, I can barely talk about it. I don't want to have to do this anymore” Lauren’s body shuddered remembering other time’s that she’s been in this very situation. “I’ve watched her destroy herself. She lets herself wither away. I've seen it again and again and I thought we were done. I thought that you’d be the person that finally brought her some peace and seeing her like this again… it’s breaking me. When I came into the apartment… god” Lauren continued to cry, her heart hurting thinking about her best friend struggling to see what everyone around her saw. You were beautiful, inside and out and not in a cliche way, in a way that was indisputable and breathtakingly refreshing. Trent’s stomach dropped. He actually thought he might’ve blacked out while Lauren continued talking.  “She’s okay, she’s safe and asleep but she just really doesn’t want to lose you, she couldn’t handle it.” You didn’t always have the strength to push past the type of destruction you’d inflict on yourself over the years but there was something that Trent was able to do that gave you hope, gave you moments of truly feeling love and value. Lauren believed in you. You could be strong but losing Trent was not something she wanted you to have to ever endure. That was your person. The one that was created and cut, defined and detailed just for you.

“Get her back to me, Lauren. I need her. I am not losing her. You will not lose her. This is stopping now. Whatever you need, just get her back home to me. I’m going to take care of her, I promise.” Trent said sternly. This was over. Being apart was over. Honestly, Trent wanted to just fly to New York right now but he couldn’t because he had a match. He wanted to say fuck football. Trust, he never said that and meant it but he did right now. He knew you’d be mad if he did it and he knew it would cause a stir so he bestowed all his trust in Lauren to get you to him.

As you laid in your bed, Trent was unavoidable in your dreams. He was everywhere. You cried in your sleep. Missing him. You couldn’t get up when your eyes began to flutter open, god knows how much longer later. Enough for Lauren to have your next 24 hours already planned out for you at the least. Your body was paralyzed by the crushing weight feeling as if you ruined your impending marriage and family over a stupid night out you took too far. The tears kept falling. In retrospect, you’re not sure they had stopped for the past few days. You were amazed you had any left in your tear ducts. You thought about how beautiful Trent was and how, in a nearly impossible way, what you created together, Teddy, your baby, was even more beautiful. You could hear their laughs echoing in your head in the most cynical mockery of what you were missing. You missed them so much.

You were filled with a mix of fear, regret, anxiety, heartache, and anticipation when Lauren got you back to your house. You felt your body go cold as you approached your once incredibly warm front door. Lauren stayed outside calling Jude for her own moral support that she needed. You were in a haze but this was really difficult on her as well. You punched in the front door’s code and heard the lock turn and shift. You grabbed the handle and pushed. The smell of your house hit you like a freight train. You could’ve physically fallen over with the amount of memories that flooded your mind at the scent. You covered your face with your hands for a moment and took a deep breath trying to compose yourself. You dropped your bag and your Rimowa at the door just the way you hated Trent did.  The alarm beep rang through the house alerting that a door had opened. The sound was like catnip. You heard the pitter patter of bare feet running clumsily on the hardwood floors. Around the corner swung the most perfect little girl. Her hair laid flat pulled into a bun with a few ringlet curls escaping. She had a light pink shirt on dragging a bear on the ground behind her with one arm holding its paw in her hand. You started to cry immediately.

“Mama!” Teddy cried. Tears coursing down her cheeks. Her initial excitement of who was at the front door halted by the surprise of how much she missed you. This was so unfair to her. You sat on the floor and pulled her into your embrace engulfing her. You sobbing along with her.

“My baby. I missed you so much. I love you so much.  I’m so sorry mummy was away. I’m so sorry, baby.” You pressed your lips to her hair and shut your eyes tight. She didn't really understand why you'd been away but boy was she happy to see you. You never wanted to let go of this little girl. Teddy continued to weep but she slowed eventually. Your hold of her only seeming to get tighter though as she fell into shorter breaths and sounds of hiccups 

“Miss my mama.” She cooed talking into your shirt. You squeezed her that much tighter. Your hand running over her head before you loosened your hold to be able to look at her. You pressed her nose against hers. “Mama no sad.” She whimpered, being able to see how visibly upset you were. It hadn’t actually been more than 72 hours that all this unfolded but you felt like she managed to grow up somehow. She was so emotionally attuned and intelligent. She nuzzled her face into the nape of your neck comforted by your smell and you by hers. 

“Oh baby, I know, I know you missed mama. I missed you so much. I’m not sad, I’m just so happy to see my little Teddy bear, yeah? Were you good for daddy?” The question just fell out like a habit. You shut your eyes barely able to process saying his name to her. It was then you heard ‘daddy’s’ footsteps coming to stand close but what still felt far away watching you in the foyer. He could tell immediately you’d lost weight in the span of days. The curve of your shoulder looked different, your cheekbones just a little more defined. 

“Dada! Mama home!” Teddy pulled away from you and turned around to Trent to tell him the exciting news. He nodded with a smile at her, not looking at you. You weren’t sure if this would be all that exciting of news to him. Nevertheless, you got yourself up on shaky legs. He came over to you in what felt like slow motion. You told yourself you wouldn’t cry. He hated when you cried and you didn’t want to upset him more but you thought you might seeing his gorgeous face again. You had no idea where the two of you stood. He said he was done but you were back home by Lauren's guidance for the sake of your daughter.  She didn’t want to do any of the talking for Trent, she was simply acting as a delivery woman. Trent extended one arm out to you. His big hand grabbing the back of your neck harshly, almost aggressively pulling your sylphlike body into his strong one. He brought his other arm around you slipping low across the small of your back the way he usually did. It was a bone crushing embrace. You felt his chest tremble and then he sniffed in harshly as he began to cry. You made him cry. You shut your eyes, extending the persistence of the horrible feelings you’d had for days. 

“I love you.” You whispered, tucking your face against his neck. Your nose flattened against his soft skin. Teddy stood quietly holding onto your leg not ready to let go. Lauren snuck into the house quietly and grabbed her. “I’m sorry.” you whimpered barely audible. You took a deep breath reveling in the feeling of his warm hold, relief and fear concomitantly falling over you.

“Don’t fucking ever leave us again. Your home, your place in this world is right here in my arms with our little girl. We cannot survive without you here. Do you understand me?” Trent cooed with a stern but shaky voice keeping you tight to his chest. You nodded as your pervasive tears returned. More and more falling the longer he held you. “We love you. God, fuck… I am so in love with you Y/N. Please don’t ever leave me. No matter how much I push, no matter what’s happening, you cannot leave.” He pleaded begging you more than he was instructing you.  

“I don’t want to leave, I don’t want you to not want me anymore. I want to come home, T. You’re the love of my life. You’re the only way I’m able to breathe.” You placed your hand over your heaving chest because your heart began to hurt so badly. 

“You can’t go anywhere else. Not letting you.” He said with a desperate release of air. Your other hand’s nails dug into his cotton t-shirt covering his back. You let him cry, loosening your claw and rubbing circles with your hand on his lower back whilst the other moved off your chest to gently scratch his scalp until he was able to calm down.

“You never cry…” You made the observation giving him a sad smile in between gasping breaths. You wiped the tears under his eyes gently. Guilt and empathy running down your face. 

“You’re worth crying for, baby.” he cupped your cheek. The heartfelt way he said baby to you returning, stilling your racing mind. He looked into your eyes and you felt everything around you disappear. Every worry, every physical thing around you vanishing, only him left. He kissed you and it was like someone restarted your whole nervous system. The cogs in your brain began turning again, the blood in your body began to pump again, your heart began beating again, the color began to rush back into your cheeks. “You owe me a few days of kisses, yeah? Teddy too. She’s desperate, apparently I’m not the same as mama.” He cooed, pulling away momentarily letting you know the work that laid ahead of you before returning his lips to their rightful place on yours.

“Oh no…” you couldn’t help but giggle picturing the conversations they must’ve had. Your lips curling into a toothy smile inadvertently pulling them off his. Listening to the two of them together was precious, you could only imagine what they were saying when they were alone. It made your heart swell seeing those two identical faces together.  “What’d she say?” you asked curious to hear about the exchange. 

“Nah, she had me running, you know? I felt like she knew the game she was playing as well. Dada want this, dada up, dada quiet. Just command after command and then in swept the critiques.” You smiled seeing his eyes light up recalling their days and Teddy’s hold over him.

“No mama does!” She rattled off squirming away as he attempted to do her hair after he placed her on his lap in front of him in a mirror in her room.

“I know she’s the best at it but can you let daddy do it today?” He asked her politely. He pulled her curls back into the best bun he could manage. Brushing it slicked back. She furrowed her brow at the finished product. He looked at her trying to make out why she wasn’t happy. He thought he did a good job.

“Bow! Dada bow, please.” She looked at him back through the mirror like he was dumb pressing her palm onto his thigh. Obviously, he forgot a bow. How did he not know that? He placed it and sighed. He kissed her cheek and plopped her on her own two feet.

“Are we hungry this morning? I am. I’m thinking we have the toastie you like.” Trent cooed looking at her as they walked down the hall inspecting his handiwork on her hair trying to find a flaw that warranted her disgruntled response. Teddy replied with a simple ‘yuck’ keeping her gaze fixed ahead focused on her tiny steps. “What why? What do you want then?” He asked inquisitively with a bit of a smile. It was hard not to laugh at her developing personality. He held her hand but let her navigate the grand staircase in your house roughly by herself. 

“Mama.” She responded to him confidently and calmly knowing not what she wanted to eat but very certain she’d prefer you to be there to make it for her.

“Yeah, well same…” Trent exhaled, inspecting the empty refrigerator he knew you usually filled with all the things you knew he and Teddy liked. It was the little things you did that had disappeared in front of his eyes now missing them tremendously in a day's time.

“I mean… it wasn’t good, baby.” His smile faded as he recalled the last couple days that were filled with some cute moments but more so difficult ones.

“Baby?” You asked, interested if that’s where you stood now. Were you on good terms? One of the last times he said it it really stung.

“Yeah, my baby. Forever but we really need to talk.” He spoke to you softly before taking your hand and guiding you into the cinema. It made you nervous hearing the door shut behind you. The noise reminding you the room had sound proof walls. God, you hoped this wasn’t going to be another loud fight like the one that transpired in your kitchen where you’d need those walls.

“I know we’re talking and it’s serious but…” You took a deep breath and tried to fight back tears. You sat on opposite sides of the couch in the room awkwardly as if you had just met. You looked at him with a pout and puppy dog eyes.  “I’m scared and I really need you. Can you just hold me please?” You whimpered out, quite pathetic. 

“C’mere, pretty girl. This is where you’re supposed to be, yeah?” He smiled softly, loving hearing that you needed him, that he was a comfort to you. You relaxed in his arms, relieved that was the vibe and not you two raising your voices. You laid your head on his shoulder. Trent hugged you tightly and you couldn’t hold back the tears that began to run down your face. You bawled his shirt in your fists.

“T… Who was that in the photos?” You sheepishly asked, unable to keep it inside anymore. You wanted to get what felt like the hard bit out of the way. You were lying to yourself and using him as a scapegoat. This wasn’t the hard part by a long shot. No matter his answer, there was a massive elephant in the room and it was you but you couldn’t shake the photos online of him and that woman. The thought of someone else, another girl spending time alone with him. Her somehow becoming his best friend. Him choosing her over you. 

“Baby…” He drew out the pet name, saddened you’d seen the photos and imagined something completely incorrect. 

“If you did, I’d understand.” You cut him off before he even answered you, excusing an action he didn’t do. He dropped his head back against the couch frustrated this was still where you were at, that things didn’t magically change when you walked back into the house. You believed he could treat you like that and it would be an okay thing, something you might’ve deserved.

“Stop. I didn’t do anything. It was George’s cousin. Baby… we gotta work through this. You need to understand I’m committed to you. This is why I met with her. You need…” He trailed off feeling awkward and terrible for what he was about to say. “ You need help.” He muttered out. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for it all, T, the final, New York.  I never wanted to hurt you.” You apologized earnestly.

“You didn’t hurt me, I mean you did but I’m more concerned about you hurting yourself. I was scared. I know Lauren told Jude not to but baby, we’re all really worried. They both told me about what happened in the apartment in New York…” He sighed hating that you were even having to have this conversation. You exhaled his name, defeated feeling the same. “Nah, I don’t want a defense or excuse. I can’t lose you.” He tried to deter you from the innate need to defend yourself. 

“Before Wembley… I don’t know. I got too drunk and I was alone and I got sad. It was a one off.” You had no ground to stand on, any reasoning would’ve been illogical but you felt the words jumbled rolling off your tongue. 

“It’s not. When Lauren visited, you got so sad, baby. It’s just not, you’ve said it’s happened before. Your dad told me, Winnie’s told me, Lauren’s told me. It might not be happening in front of me but it’s happening. Baby, I get that it…” He tried to keep talking to you but you gave him a face you gave to a lot of people. A facade of interest. A mask being pulled in front of your face, the elastic band snapping behind your head securing it. “Don’t…” he reprimanded you knowing it all too well. “Fine, I can’t understand but I imagine it’s hard to talk about. I’m scared. I’ll be the one to say it, alright? I’m fucking scared, Y/N.” He sheepishly admitted to you. Feeling like he failed by doing so. “We need to go to a doctor. I don’t mean this derogatorily I just think someone could help. I'm out of my depth here. I don’t want anything to happen to you. To my Y/N. To my baby’s mum.” He defeatedly let out. You could feel his heart racing pressed against you. You had so much to say but nothing would come out. You cuddled into him, laying your head on his chest. “I love you so much.” He whispered, breathing you in. Transitioning from sheer desperation to admiration for your body in his hands right now. Jesus Christ, what had happened? In a weird way he began to wonder if he felt like he had used you. “Am I making things worse?” He questioned you terrified of your potentially heartbreaking answer. You shook your head ‘no.’ Why didn’t this stuff go on in front of him? The inability to keep up with a golden boy wasn’t the problem but it was hard to not feel downtrodden. Trent was empathetic, he could hear it in the way you cried in the kitchen before you left.

'You expect me to be this perfect version 24/7 but I’m not. I’m not!” You kept crying. “I’m sorry. Fuck! I’m sorry, I’m trying but I can’t be like you, okay?” You whimpered, feeling defeated and broken.'

You didn’t really blame Trent for being good at well… life. Instead, you felt a crushing amount of guilt and shame for not simply being enough. The inability to measure up not to him but for him. You felt so tender in his arms like if he moved suddenly or too rough you’d break or bruise. He thought about the way he had sex with you, the way he uprooted you to England, the way he got you pregnant. He felt horrible that he inflicted so much on you physically. He just wanted to take care of you but alternatively, you’d never felt less used. The exact scenarios he was recalling flashed through your mind in the most blissfully painful way. You shut your eyes again. You wouldn’t change a thing, a lie, maybe a few things on your end but overall, no. His hands on you felt alleviating and comforting all the time. Even if he was fucking you roughly, even if you were jet lagged flying places to see him, even the grueling process of labor was fine all because he was there. 

“Thank you for caring.” You muttered out embarrassingly honestly, finally finding some words that you felt wholeheartedly would be good to start with. Trent’s heart, if it hadn’t already when he saw you come back into your house, it surely did just completely shatter. He kissed your hair and then over your ear before whispering to you. 

“I will always care about you. More than you could ever understand. I will do anything for you…” he paused and let out a breathy sigh. “Anything.” The warmth of his breath, the drag of his lips moving down your skin sent a shiver running up your spine. 

“T, we shouldn't, it's too soon.” You moaned feeling his lips cascade down the length of your jaw. The mood in the room shifting in slow motion. He didn’t mean to, it just was instinctual. His big hands moving the fabric of your top further and further up, finding more and more of your bare skin. You pushed yourself back into him, rolling your head to the side. Telling him one thing out loud and asking for something completely different silently. 

“It’s fine. We’re fine, baby. We’re gonna be fine.”  He rattled off, not able to think very clearly lost in a very thick haze feeling your body again.

“We can’t do this, T. I have more to say.” You whined, not meaning half the words you said. You definitely wanted to do this but you also did have more to say. He had no control at this point and you hated that it turned you on so much. His desire for you would always trump any sense of reasoning you had. You couldn’t stop him because the sensations running through you were invincible. The physical attraction and the sexual desire between you would always pull you back together. 

“No, no, this is going to be really good. I fucking need you. I missed you so much..” You turned towards him with a desperate look on your face. Your eyes filled with lust. Trent could get hard off the look on your face alone but feeling you again, touching you again was setting him off. He pulled you into a messy make out gripping your face before pushing you backwards onto more of the couch crawling over you. “We need this. You need this.” He whispered, breathing you in and moving his kisses to your neck. You kept him close to you pulling him to you by his face. His hands dropped to your waist. He was right, you needed this, you needed him. His soft warm hands pushed your shirt up to feel more of you. 

“I love you, baby.” You murmured your lips unable to not pull into a smile. He sighed into the crook of your neck hearing you say that. You brought your legs to wrap around him digging your heels into his back. You couldn’t think about anything else but him for the last few days and right now was no different. 

“I love you so much.” He cooed and his voice never sounded more caring and honest. He spoke into your warm skin, kissing them into the most sensitive part of your neck. The whole thing feels more intimate than ever. Love filling the room to the brim. He reached between you and looped the two layers of his boxer and trousers pulling both off. He revealed his tone v line and you let out an embarrassing moan, you taking your own clothes off swiftly. He pulled away from you and looked at your bare body. You felt so naked and vulnerable, he could sense your nerves. He tilted your face towards his holding your cheek. “What are you being shy about? It’s just me, yeah?” He waited for you. You nodded pulling him back into a kiss. You sighed in the kiss dragging your nails up his chest. He repositioned his body over yours and dragged the tip of his leaking cock through your folds. 

“T… please, I need you.” You whined. He smiled happy you were back to your normal comfortable self with him. He slowly eased into your dripping wet pussy. You moaned as Trent treaded carefully moving slowly inside. His face fell into your neck groaning at the feeling of you wrapping around him. He moved slowly but precisely. Your nails dug into his back as he kissed your skin. Each stroke loving and thoughtful. He picked up his pace though lost in the feeling. 

“You feel so good, baby.” He grunted pushing your thigh up further to your side, hitting deeper inside you. The grip of his fingers on you dug into your soft thigh. He found the spot inside you only knew, only for him, only for you, repeatedly 

“Baby, oh my god, T. I missed you. I’m so sorry. I love you.” You were unable to stop your babbles. Tears began to fill your waterline.

“Don’t be. I love you. You’re here with me. Be here with me. Fuck, you feel so good. Let me take care of you” He inhaled a sharp breath. His dimples s sank into cheeks as he gave a sincerely sad and sympathetic smile. “Tell me your mine, baby.” He murmured continuing to thrust into in a way that was so euphoric your tears began to fall. His voice was breathy against your ear feeling the same amount of emotion you were feeling. The weight of his body on top of yours feeling like nothing compared to the weight lifting off you two. Your orgasm approached faster and faster, minute after minute. He bit onto your earlobe and tugged, grabbing your attention. 

“I’m yours, Trent. I’m always gonna be yours.” You whimpered. His mahogany eyes poured back into yours. He felt his heart skip a beat when you pulled him back down into a kiss. He fucked you harder with a harsh grunt juxtaposed by the sweetest kiss to the bridge of your nose. Your hand dragged down from behind his neck down the protruding veins of his arms until you reached the rigid texture of the Patek Phillipe watch he had wrapped on his wrist. The knot in your stomach tightened. It only took a few more mind numbing thrusts before Trent’s head dropped into your neck. Your climax erupting inside of you, your vision going white. His cock throbbed inside of you, beginning to paint your walls. You moaned ‘I love yous’ simultaneously. You felt him pouring into you. Waves upon waves of pleasure coursing through both of you. You hid your face against him. He slowed and you felt your bottom lip quiver against his skin. An uncontrollable sob escaped you. Your emotions bubbled over once more. Trent pulled out as gently as he could. He rolled off of you but was swift pulling you back into him. You clung to him crying. 

“I’m right here.” He whispered, pulling you that much closer to him and yet it wasn’t close enough. You wanted to be completely surrounded by him. “Can you look at me, baby?”  He sounded so worried. You shook your head ‘no.’  “Y/N…” He grabbed your face gently and turned you towards him. “I need to know you’re okay.” He asked softly. More tears escaped.

“I’m okay… just love you so much, T.” You pouted up at him and you felt his tense hold relax. “I love you.” He pressed a wet kiss to your cheek the way you always pretended to hate but secretly loved. You wiped his wet spit off of you and giggled. Trent felt relief wash over him when he heard his favorite sound in the world. 

“Oh wow… so mummy and daddy are… fine.” Lauren laughed carrying Teddy past the cinema minutes okay from upstairs into the kitchen. She was currently FaceTiming Jude biding her time while watching Teddy for you and Trent to ‘talk.’ “I think they’re fine. I mean they’re fucking so it’s either a really good thing or a really bad thing.” She laughed. Hoping for the first option. “Should we make you some lunchtime, hmm?” She cooed to the little girl in her arms while Teddy eagerly nodded trying to grab hold of her phone curious about Jude on the other end. 

“You’re good with kids, Laur.” Jude spoke through her phone with a cheeky smile seeing her so attentive and kind to Teddy. 

“I think I’m just good with Teddy. She's chill so it doesn’t really count. I know this is how it works but she’s the perfect blend of them. All the best things I like rolled into the cutest, squishiest, baby girl in the whole world!” Lauren sang in a soft voice, pinching at Teddy’s tummy. Her squeal shrieking through the phone, Jude blinking his eyes a few times, taken aback by her response to Lauren.

“All done mama!” Teddy yelled as you met them in the kitchen, flush. You pressed a kiss to Teddy's hair on your way to get the water you needed desperately before attending to her. She had finished eating the lunch Lauren kindly had made for her.  

“Good girl.” You cooed with a smile. Lauren sat with a smug look on her face as she waited for the inevitable late entrance of Trent, who, when he did stride in, looked absolutely fucking elated.

“Dada miss mama,” Teddy told you as she saw Trent enter. It was an over simplified way saying Trent had really missed you. He sadly and softly smiled at you hearing her. Your heart broke a little that she’d been able to piece it together, that she could sense Trent’s sad mood. 

“Mummy loves you so much.” He’d reassure her feeling completely unsure of what was going on in your relationship.The few nights you were away Trent would tuck Teddy in as she cried.  Teddy would fall asleep only comforted by Trent babbling on little stories and tidbits about you, how perfect you were, how much you likely missed her. They’d watch videos of you and he’d melt.  “Want to see something baby? Want to see the day I met mummy?” He laughed remembering a specific video he had on his phone, he wanted to watch. Teddy nodded tiredly, adjusting to the new routine activity. He was a little embarrassed he even had it but it made him remember a really good time despite things being so bad right now. You likely didn’t even know this video existed. He kept it in a locked folder on his phone primarily where all your nudes and let’s say spicer videos lived. He smiled seeing you like that. Vulnerable, needy for him and in love. You looked gorgeous. He dragged his thumb over the screen. He just wanted to feel your soft skin again as he carefully picked the video of you out of the roll making sure not to pick the wrong one before he showed Teddy. It was a video Marcel had sent around in a snapchat which seemed mundane at the time. He remembered Jude teasing him about it the following day as you laid on his chest, experiencing a new warm feeling of comfort. The video was strangely endearing, like you could see your connection in real time. Energy and force pushing you together. The earth letting out a sigh of relief finally getting two people that were meant to be connected.

“Mama pwety.” Teddy looked up at him cuddling a plush bear with big sleepy eyes as they looked at the thumbnail before he pressed play. He nodded at her.  “Yeah, you have the most beautiful mummy in the world.” He confirmed to your daughter with a sigh before he hit play. Hearing your coquettish laugh in the video cozying up to him in a club years ago just about sent him into cardiac arrest. It hurt. God, did it hurt. 

“Oh, I missed you both lots.” You cooed, kissing her. She smiled, little dimples indenting in her cheeks. A very visual confirmation she was Trent’s little girl. You’ve said it before but you were comedically jealous of the genetics Teddy was inheriting from him. 

“More plebs!” Teddy screamed, grabbing for you. “Mama, miss!” She giggled loving that you were back and really loving your kisses, kicking her feet in her chair. She greedily hummed. “Lub my mummy.” She squealed excitedly. You wanted to cry but you didn’t want to stop kissing her to so you held off. 

“Mummy gives the best kisses, huh?” Trent cooed, bending over in front of Teddy to plant a kiss on your cheek with a hum. 

“You’d know…” Lauren quipped cheekily eliciting a proud  augh from Trent and a raised eyebrow from you. 

When Teddy eventually got sleepy you brought her upstairs for sleep. You went to her nursery and you pouted seeing that Trent had nestled one of your softest jumpers in her crib, the smell of you still lingering. There was a little framed photo of your family moved from its original place propped closer for her to see. You started crying so hard you had to sit down. You couldn’t believe you put your child through this, you couldn’t believe you put Trent through this. Trent came upstairs and you met him in your bedroom after you had calmed yourself down on your own. He held you in bed in a close cuddle. 

“I can’t remember ever going to bed without saying goodnight before. I hated this so much, baby.” You whispered into the dark room as he caressed your warm skin under a tiny camisole you had on. 

“We’re never doing this again. I’m sorry I got so upset.” He cooed behind the shell of your ear pressing his lips against you. You both stayed awake in a warm cuddle. You didn’t know what time it was but it as the color of sky outside fell into that warm navy color, you’d guess around 4 am though. 

“Do you still want to marry me?” You asked after a few hours of not talking, just happy to be back in his arms and good graces. Neither of you wanted to fall asleep but not out of worry, but out of comfort. You didn’t want to lose the cognizance of his presence, what he felt like, what he smelt like. 

“Not a single second went by where I ever questioned that, okay?” He hummed. You smiled through a pout. You’d hope that was true. He meant it though. He didn’t waver in his commitment to you. He told Tyler he had no plans of leaving you. Through all of this it didn’t even pop in his head you would call off the marriage. Maybe he was angry and didn’t like how things currently were but not have you, not marry you? Never. You turned around in his arms and pressed a kiss to his lips. He kissed you back and shut his eyes, getting tired, not being able to keep them open anymore. You let him rest but you stayed awake inspecting his features. You brought your hand up to his face and tracing his perfectly plump lips. You brushed your thumb over his high cheekbones. You started to fall asleep then dropping your face in his neck, tucked carefully under his chin, wrapping your arms around his waist, legs tangled together. You kissed his warm skin drowsily, letting him know how much you loved him even while he slept. He woke up first the next day. He did the same as you did last night inspecting your features. The morning sun seeped through your blinds. The golden light casting over you. You looked radiant and luminescent but your soul, your heart, he could feel it. It was more striking than your beauty. He kissed your forehead before pulling you that much tighter to him. 

Trent had his last game of the season. It was a little surreal mostly because you realized that when the next season began you would be married, the surname on the jersey you were in, would be your own. Lauren and Marcel accompanied you along with Teddy. You wished Marcel would shut up so you could live in your moment of bliss imagining being his brother’s wife and admire Trent in peace. The way sweat dripped over his adams apple, his jersey sticking a little to his abs, his cheekbones highlighted by the floodlights. He looked unreal. Lauren went inside and Marcel looked at you curiously. You could feel his eyes but you ignored him until he spoke.

“Going to tell me how things have been?” He looked at you completely ignoring the game now. You rolled your eyes but he was persistent. 

“Yeah, all fine” You said dismissively, keeping your eyes on Trent whilst tucking a loose curl behind Teddy’s ear. He rolled his eyes now at you.

“Y/N… you know you have to let us in, let him in, let me in. I don’t get why you didn't tell me to begin with?” He spoke, sounding heartfelt, keeping his gaze fixed on you. 

“When was I supposed...” You sighed stopping yourself from starting to defend yourself but you could see his brow raise in annoyance. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t want to scare anyone.” You exhaled feeling a lot of guilt wash over you. He was one of your best friends and you had been extremely selfish not considering how he must’ve felt and dense assuming he wouldn’t want to know.

“Well, you did a really bad job.” He laughed and it made you smile. You felt relieved he was at least being normal again with you.  

“Marce… “ You sheepishly got out. “I’m so sorry” you apologized earnestly, leaning your head on his shoulder. He rested his head on top of yours.

“We love you. Just want mummy healthy, right Ted?” He cooed picking up Teddy from you from under her arms. Her eyes lit up. 

‘Lub mama, Celly!” She giggled, reaching to hug him wrapping herself around his neck. You pulled her Liverpool jersey down for her covering her back. You smiling at her voice. She loved him so much. To be fair, Marcel just had good vibes and since having Teddy you felt like kids had a great gauge of people. There was something that was so endearing about her relationship with him. She trusted him and was comforted by him, it made you feel incredibly relaxed knowing she’d always have her uncles and your sister. 

“I’m so glad you’re mine.” Trent whispered, kissing your head. You held Teddy and smiled for the annual end of season family photo you so loved. Trent was staring at you though not the cameras. You had gone down onto the pitch for one final lap after the match. It was lovely as always. Sweet and a bit emotional. 

“Always yours.” You cooed, turning to kiss him. Teddy quick to want the same amount of attention you were giving each other. She pulled at your shirt with a cute grunt. “Yes, yes and you are ours, Teddy girl.” You kissed her with an eccentric ‘Mwah!’ her giggle following.

When you finally were driving home, you were tired, Teddy already fast asleep, and Trent absolutely exhausted. Needless to say it was a quiet ride. You looked at Trent as the colored lights lining the motorway leaked into the car. You smiled admiring his beauty. His focus on the road but yours on his jawline strikingly sharp. 

“What are you staring at me for?” He laughed, calling you out, flashing his eyes your way quickly. You giggled sliding your hand over onto his face brushing your thumb over his cheek.

“You’re so pretty. Do you know that?” You cooed admiring his annoying perfect skin, despite his annoyingly minimal effort.

“Yeah, obviously.” He replied with a straight face before he couldn’t hold in the cheeky childish smile he was trying to keep down. His perfect grin made your heart hurt. He was so pretty but you rolled your eyes at his pompousness. “Don’t pull a bird like you looking anything but leng.” He turned his adorable look to you.

“Yeah? How did you even manage to bag me?” You teased with a giggle. His smile staying put hearing the sound but he rolled his eyes at your joke. He tapped at his cheek with his free hand, keeping the other draped over the steering wheel. You raised your eyebrows at his gesture.

“Go on…” He instructed you. You laughed again and pressed a kiss where his fingers had been tapping. “Thank youuu.” He sang.

“Ridiculous.” You reached over again to him and squeezed his thigh. 

“Erm… Ow? I just played 97 minutes. Keep your hands to yourself.” He quipped. You squeezed his thigh again just because. You knew he liked the attention. He loves when you give it to him and he can just annoy you in return. 

“You love my hands on you. So full of it, you know.” You giggled with one more squeeze than attempted to remove your hand but he was quick to place his over top of it to keep it on him. 

“I do. I really love your hands on me.” He cooed in a voice that made you feel like you had a juvenile crush on him. You were flustered by the flirtatious comment. He could feel your arm tense a little so instead of keeping your hand on his thigh, he picked it up and brought it up to his lips to kiss the back of it.

“T… do you want to take me on a date this week?” You asked him bluntly, turning the direction of the conversation. You liked him flirting with you right now and you wanted more. You thought it’d be nice to have a night out just you two. Probably a good thing considering what had transpired.

“Yeah? Want me to?” He smiled big again squeezing your hand. You nodded in an adorably naive way.  “Yeah, beautiful, I’ll take you out.” He cooed turning towards you again. His mind beginning to comb through ideas of where he wanted to take you. You leaned over once more unprovoked to give him another kiss on the cheek before you tucked back in your seat shutting your eyes and resting your head onto the window. “Alright, sleepy girls, we’re home.” Trent’s voice waking you up from a daze you didn’t know you had fallen into. You turned to him with a tired pout as if to ask ‘can you please carry me inside?’ He laughed getting out of the car. He came around and opened your door but then he stepped away and opened the back seat. “I’m gonna carry our literal baby but if you want to wait I’ll come back and get you.” He mocked you. You obviously weren’t going to wait outside so you begrudgingly got out of the car yourself. Trent picked up Teddy gently making sure she didn’t wake. He held her tight to him. You shut the door of the car for him and followed them, proceeding to slip your arms around his waist and resting your forehead against his back. He shook his head as he got both his sleepy girls to bed. 

The next day you were getting ready to go to Dianne’s house up in your bedroom's wardrobe. You were doing your best to get back into your routine. Lauren was still there, leaving soon, but you had promised Dianne you’d go see her with Teddy. She heard rumblings about the situation, naturally. Trent had confided in her early on in your relationship when you first let it slip you had struggled with your health to him. He’d never really thought about something like that affecting someone he knew. He had girl friends and girlfriends but he never had a sister he had to share a bathroom with growing up. He didn’t know girls were skipping meals and doing diets or maybe the more extreme things you had been doing that you shared with him. She of course was empathetic to him and did her best to be a sounding board and not intrude but as a mum, as a person who knew you and loved you, she was concerned. So you promised you’d go. 

“Hey… have you seen my Van Clef?” you asked vaguely to Trent. “Like our one?” You clarified more as you were trying to put final touches on your outfit.  He puffed out some air realizing that he was going to have to confront his mistake head on. He hated himself. He had been trying to avoid it but of course you were looking for it, you wore it almost everyday.

“Baby…” he called you, watching nervously. You hummed acknowledging him as you dug through your wardrobe thinking maybe you had misplaced it. “It’s not here.” He told you sheepishly. You gave him a side eye confused but when he didn’t speak you turned your whole body to him. 

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.” At first, maybe you thought this was some sweet ploy of his. He came to you and slipped his hands around your waist. When he dropped his forehead against yours you felt the energy shift in the room. This wasn’t some goofy thing he was serious about something. 

“I had to bring it in to get repaired.” He got his words out so slow you clung to each one in anticipation. Your brow furrowed. He exhaled, dropping his shoulders. He wished he could lie but he knew it'd be wrong to. He was asking you to be honest with him; it would be incredibly hypocritical. “I found it when you were gone and I don’t know I just snapped and then it snapped.” He shut his eyes. You let out a measly ‘oh’ you felt the things he did when it happened. That necklace was your relationship and he had destroyed it. You were definitely in the wrong but it made you feel so sad you were actively trying not to cry or react. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t know what happened it just felt like such a punch in the gut finding it. I though that you didn’t want it or you left it, left me… it hurt. I’m sorry. Fuck.” He babbled incredibly quickly. You usually were fine with his accented words but your eyes narrowed trying to focus your spinning mind on what he was saying. His accent would come in thick sometimes and disappear other days. Relaxing with his friends at home, their words could feel like another language. Nervous doing press, he was more conscious of what he was saying, letting it slip away. 

“It’s fine… I guess.” You gave him a soft smile wishing you didn’t say the last bit. “I understand.” You kissed the tip of his nose and pulled yourself out of his hold. The room went ice cold. Trent’s mind was just filled with his inner voice screaming ‘fuck.’ It was hard not to notice the mood change after that. He hated it. “T, I didn’t leave it on purpose…” you told him right before you left, kissing his cheek, holding Teddy and heading to your car. You were so swift; he didn't even have the opportunity to respond.

“Laur... what am I meant to do here? Things aren’t just going to snap back.” Trent sighed, squinting, picking up his hand to shield his eyes to better make out Lauren’s face. They were sitting in your back garden as the English summer sun beat down on them. They stayed at home while you popped to Dianne’s. Despite your upset about your necklace it did make you happy that your best friend and your fiance “I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like a kid. I feel like I’m making stupid mistakes.” Trent was thinking about breaking the necklace. You’d probably be just as upset if he had managed to break your engagement ring but in a way this had stung more. The necklace was a decision he made before, a decision he made off of instinct, under your nose, completely infatuated by you. It was such an indication of how he felt about you from the very beginning and it was gone. A part of you was happy you didn’t have any visual of it all.

“You’re not but I know the feeling. If you didn’t pick up I was going to call your mum the other day. I was in a moment of introspection on the flight over and I almost laughed. Your mum? Oh hiya erm… can you help… embarrassing.” Lauren rattled off what felt like a million different thoughts. She shook her head but noticed Trent faint smirk on his face not pulling into a full smile but drifting into a tight line. 

“Maybe we should’ve.” He reflected. Maybe Dianne would’ve been more of a help than him. “Like she’s fine most of the time right? I make her happy? I try so hard and yet some days I can feel it like nothing could ever change it all.” He spoke looking and sounded defeated. 

“It’s not you T… She loves you so much. You make her happy, she’ll be okay, but she is the only one that can change it. You’re there for her and that’s the most important. She needs you and Teddy.” Lauren kept her eyes locked on his, making sure he knew she was being serious. She meant what she was saying. He couldn’t fix things but he was essential. Trent responded only with a soft ‘yeah.’ He thought to himself though that what you really needed was for him to repair your necklace and your relationship.

•

Thank you for reading! Please like, comment, or message what you think of the chapter 🤍

Next part - Chapter 21 xx

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

A lot of good sources linked in the original article!

By Bruce Mirken

As the dangers of Long COVID become more recognized, the country's going backwards on preventing new infections.

While I’m far from the only person worried about Long COVID and our society’s general inclination to look away and pretend it’s not there, people like me certainly feel badly outnumbered. It’s beginning to feel reminiscent of how people with AIDS and their loved ones felt circa 1986—and maybe it’s time for the same kind of response.

For those of you lucky enough not to have lived through that era, by the end of 1986, AIDS had killed nearly 25,000 Americans, but president Ronald Reagan had yet to speak the word “AIDS.” His press secretary had joked about it and the White House press corps laughed. While individual scientists were doing important work, the bureaucracies running the NIH and FDA seemed very much to be in business-as-usual mode. Because the casualties had largely been gay men and injection drug users, it seemed like no one with any power cared whether we lived or died.

So, a group of New Yorkers – mostly gay men – decided it was time to start raising hell. Calling themselves ACT UP, they disrupted the New York Stock Exchange and, as chapters sprang up nationwide, they staged protests that shut down the FDA and NIH. Eventually, people like Anthony Fauci began to see they had a point. I joined the Los Angeles ACT UP chapter in 1988 and ended up getting arrested half a dozen times in protests at the LA federal building, the County Board of Supervisors and the U.S. Capitol, among others. We won major improvements in HIV/AIDS care in the Los Angeles County health system, which cared for thousands of people with AIDS who had no health insurance. When I landed in San Francisco in 1993, I connected with ACT UP Golden Gate.

Here I am (with my late boyfriend Tim at the left) at one of the protests in that L.A County healthcare campaign. Most of my closest friends from that era have been dead for decades.

I get that COVID has played out very differently than HIV/AIDS. AIDS ramped up slowly and seemed not to affect “normal” people until it killed closeted gay movie and TV star Rock Hudson in 1985, and even then officials largely looked the other way. Only scientific breakthroughs in the 1990s finally stemmed the tide of death. In contrast, the much more highly transmissible SARS-CoV-2 virus came on fast and furious, turning Americans’ lives upside-down almost immediately.

But now, we’ve arrived at what seems in some ways like an eerily similar place. When needed precautions to curb a highly infectious airborne virus spurred frustration and political pushback, officials largely threw up their hands and gave up. Even measures that don’t involve mandates or restrictions on behavior have mostly either been dropped or never happened in the first place.

LONG COVID’S GROWING TOLL

Unfortunately, the virus hasn’t gone away, even if the initial wave of mass death has receded. In August, as a summer surge peaked, US COVID-19 deaths exceeded 1,000 per week, though the latest September data suggests the numbers have begun declining toward pre-surge levels, when deaths were generally in the 300-400 per week range. That’s still equal to a 9/11 every eight to 10 days. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention tracking of SARS-CoV-2 levels in wastewater—probably the best data on US viral prevalence now that cases aren’t being reliably tracked—showed 15 states with “very high” levels and another 19 rated as “high” as of Sept. 19.

But COVID is not just a matter of cases and deaths. The disease’s long-term effects have disabled millions of Americans, and the numbers keep growing with each new wave of infection. An updated review published in Nature Medicine puts the current global number of Long COVID sufferers at 400 million and estimates the worldwide economic impact at a staggering $1 trillion.

We now have plenty of people experiencing repeated SARS-CoV-2 infections. The good news, if you can call it that, is that these reinfections may produce fewer new cases of Long Covid than a person’s first infection – but they absolutely produce some, and the Omicron variants circulating in the last year or two seem to produce more Long Covid than earlier viral varieties. Every time you get COVID, you roll the dice with your health – maybe for the rest of your life.

If I sound alarmed, well, I am. As longtime readers may know, I have some first-hand experience with Long COVID, though in milder form than many experience. My January 2022 infection left me with peripheral neuropathy—painful nerve damage—in my legs and feet. It’s incurable and nearly impossible to treat, as conventional pain drugs don’t help. I will likely never live another day without pain and walking more than six or seven blocks at a stretch is a struggle. I used to enjoy hiking, but will probably never do it again. Still, I don’t have the more debilitating symptoms like crushing fatigue or dysautonomia—disruption of the part of the nervous system that controls automatic functions like heartbeat, blood pressure, digestion and breathing—that afflict some Long COVID sufferers. Lots of people have it way worse than I do.

We know that COVID can have lasting impacts on many parts of the body, including the brain. A recent study of 52 COVID survivors—about half with mild to moderate initial illness and half with more severe disease—found that compared to healthy controls, both groups “had a significantly higher score of cognitive complaints involving cognitive failure and mental fatigue” 27 months after their original illness, with no significant difference based on the severity of that initial illness. On a series of tests, researchers found “changes in brain function” that may explain the reported problems.

Just as scary, a study of people aged 65 and up just published in the Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease reports that “people with COVID were at significantly increased risk for new diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease within 360 days after the initial COVID diagnosis.” This review of the medical records of over six million patients found that the risk escalated with advancing age. As with many of these long-term impacts, the mechanisms involved remain unclear.

Survivors of an initial SARS-CoV-2 infection also have increased rates of high blood pressure, now documented in multiple studies. High blood pressure increases your risk of deadly cardiovascular complications like heart attack and stroke.

I can’t help but wonder whether these issues have affected me, but there’s no way to be sure. My blood pressure, well-controlled for a dozen years with a very low dose of medication, began ratcheting upward about a year and a half ago, necessitating three medication adjustments since then. I’m also definitely more forgetful than I was, mostly little things like walking into a room and forgetting why I went there. But those things can happen to older people with or without COVID, and it’s hard to know cause-and-effect in a given individual.

But I sure as hell know I don’t want to get this virus again and risk these and other issues getting worse. Unfortunately, avoiding it is getting harder by the day, and neither government at any level nor public health authorities seem to care.

PREVENTION? WHAT PREVENTION?

While there’s some evidence that the antiviral drug Paxlovid can reduce the likelihood of Long COVID if administered early enough, the results so far are mixed and not overwhelming. The best way to avoid Long COVID is to not get infected in the first place. As a society, we’ve pretty much stopped trying.

The government is still encouraging vaccination, as it should. But it’s been clear for some time that while the vaccines are very good at reducing the chance of severe illness and death if you get infected, they offer only limited protection against getting infected in the first place. “Vax and relax” can prevent mass death, but it can’t prevent mass infection and an ever-growing number of cases of Long COVID, even if most people get vaccinated. And vaccination rates have been declining for a while, with a new Ohio State University survey reporting that only 43% of U.S. adults have gotten or plan to get the new COVID-19 shot.

And in a bit of absolute madness, Florida’s Ron DeSantis-appointed Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo has actually advised against use of the newly updated mRNA vaccines. In a post on Mastodon, Yale epidemiologist Gregg Gonsalves called this “beyond irresponsible. It is malpractice.”

Ladapo is an outlier, but even his saner colleagues around the country downplay the fact that we don’t have to limit ourselves to vaccination. It’s an airborne virus, so there are two main ways to stop it from spreading: 1) Get the virus out of the air, or at least reduce its concentration to a very low level, and 2) Protect yourself from breathing in any virus that’s in the air around you. We know how to do both.

Masking works, but the type of mask matters. As the Mayo Clinic notes, “Respirators such as nonsurgical N95s give the most protection. KN95s and medical masks provide the next highest level of protection. Cloth masks provide less protection.” Two and a half years ago, a CDC study found that those who reported regularly wearing an N95 or KN95 respirator in indoor public settings had an 86% lower risk of catching COVID-19.

Recently, during my first return visit to San Francisco after moving in early 2022, I met my nieces for lunch at the Ferry Plaza. It was a Saturday, Farmers Market day, and the place was jammed. In three-plus hours I saw no more than half a dozen people wearing any sort of mask, and only a couple were N95s. In my new hometown of Hilo, masking is only slightly more common. At the supermarket, I see barely 10% of customers and staff in some sort of mask. In some venues, it’s less.

A recent Ipsos survey found that half of Americans believe they’ll never get COVID again. Only 20% described themselves as “trying to stay as safe as possible.”

None of this is a surprise—people are simply responding to the messages they get from the people supposedly leading on health issues. The CDC promotes vaccination but barely talks about masking anymore; it acknowledges the value of indoor air quality but doesn’t seem to be doing much about it. In interviews, CDC Director Mandy Cohen regularly urges vaccination but almost never brings up masking or air quality and says little about Long Covid. Political leaders mostly talk about COVID in the past tense and pat themselves on the back for a job well done in prior years. The result is what you’d expect: Most Americans now treat COVID like a common cold, disregarding most precautions and not bothering to test when they get sick.

Back in 2022, when public policy on COVID was still relatively sane, the Biden administration published indoor air quality guidance and made congressionally-approved funds available that “that can be used in schools, public buildings, and other settings to improve indoor air quality.” It’s unclear exactly how much of that money has been used and for what, although some school systems have definitely made HVAC upgrades. But we’ve never had either enforceable indoor air standards or a coordinated plan to implement them. As Science noted in July, “The COVID-19 pandemic has clearly shown the vulnerability of society to the spread of infectious diseases. At the same time, with frequent outbreaks in elder care facilities and school classrooms, it became clear that it was a fatal mistake to largely neglect the recommendations of scientists and engineers regarding minimum standards for ventilation and indoor air quality.”

In any case, those federal dollars were aimed at schools and public buildings. It’s been left entirely to the private sector to do, or not do, anything to reduce airborne pathogens in supermarkets, theaters, clubs, malls and other privately owned spaces. Local groups like Chicago’s Clean Air Club and Austin’s Clear the Air ATX have tried to fill the gap by lending HEPA filters and other clean air equipment to arts and performance venues and other gathering places.

A RADICAL IDEA: DO WHAT WORKS

We know what to do. As Clean Air Club founder Emily Dupree and co-author Shelby Speier wrote in Sick Times in May, “We possess the technology to make public spaces safer. Studies show HEPA air purification and far-UVC lamps drastically reduce the number of airborne pathogens in a room and therefore lessen the likelihood of COVID-19 transmission. When combined with other layers of protection, these tools have the potential to finally make our shared spaces more accessible during an airborne pandemic.”

A key word here is accessible. Failure to address indoor air quality and other prevention measures makes public spaces seriously dangerous for those at highest risk, including the elderly, the immunocompromised and those with long-term health issues, including Long Covid.

Such simple, factual messages are rarely heard in official statements about COVID. “What I find the most frustrating about official handling of COVID and prevention is the lack of care, education, and honoring the science around COVID,” comments Clear the Air ATX founder and Long Covid activist Katie Drackert. “Telling people to ‘stay home when they feel sick’ for a virus that spreads asymptomatically? Well, they are just straight up ignoring science.”

Admirable as they are, the small, volunteer-driven efforts of groups like Drackert’s and Dupree’s are not remotely comparable to the scale of the problem. For now, people must take matters into their own hands. “In the year 2024, people still need to be wearing a well fitted KN95 or above for optimal communal and individual protection,” Drackert says. In the absence of reliable information about air quality in indoor spaces, she suggests getting a portable air quality monitor, which can be reasonably affordable. “High CO₂ levels indicate poor ventilation, which may lead to higher concentrations of aerosols that could contain the virus,” she explains. “Some air quality monitors track particulate matter (PM2.5 and PM10), which are small airborne particles. While COVID is smaller than these particles, high PM levels may indicate poor indoor air quality.”

Most of us can’t entirely avoid being in spaces with poor air quality, and that leaves us with masking, which the country has largely abandoned. Worse, we’re starting to see bans on face coverings in public spaces being enacted—for example, in Nassau County, New York, and North Carolina.

These laws typically contain exceptions for people masking for health reasons, but, as New Jersey’s Star-Ledger noted in a recent editorial opposing a proposed mask ban, “t leaves it up to the cops to decide whether someone has a legitimate medical reason for wearing a mask at a public gathering. “How will they know that? It’s subjective. And based on past experience, we know what that means: Police will disproportionately stop and question Black and brown people, who have also been the most likely to continue wearing masks to protect against COVID-19.” It’s hard to imagine a more demented public policy than making disease prevention illegal. And it’s not hard at all to imagine a COVID-19 prevention framework that would make a meaningful difference without causing a nationwide freakout: Encourage masking. Even if mask mandates are a political non-starter, there’s still plenty we can do. First, officials can talk about it and actively encourage people to wear high-quality protection like N-95s when in busy, indoor spaces. They can remind people of its importance—that COVID is not over, not just a cold, and that even a “mild” case can change your life forever. Federal, state and local governments could distribute N-95s or KN-95s free or at minimal cost. Get serious about indoor air purification. Build on what the Biden administration started a few years ago: Develop medically informed, enforceable indoor air quality standards and create a verification system so that people know when a building they enter meets them. Start with public buildings and the largest, busiest private venues, like sports arenas, concert halls and theaters, and move on from there. Give business owners generous technical and financial support in meeting those standards, and a reasonable amount of time in which to do it. While this program is ramping up, fund the local organizations now struggling with limited resources to fill the gap. None of this is that difficult. It’s not even that expensive when you consider that the federal government is in the process of spending $634 billion to upgrade nuclear weapons that with any luck will never be used. What’s missing is political will, and that won’t be there until people scream bloody murder. That’s why I think it may be time for a new version of ACT UP focused on COVID-19. The issues are somewhat different, but less so than you might think. While the original ACT UP focused a lot on research, treatment and care, it also addressed prevention. ACT UP chapters around the country started syringe exchange programs, handed out condoms at high schools, and sometimes succeeded in shaming the system into doing the right thing. And of course, there are issues to tackle around Long Covid research that I haven’t addressed here, but which I will try to cover in a future piece. The fundamental problem is much the same as people with AIDS faced in 1986: a system stuck in neutral, politicians stuck in denial, and a public closing their eyes, covering their ears and shouting, “I don’t hear you!” The first task must be to break the system–and the broader population, as much as possible–out of its present inertia, complacency and denial. I honestly don’t know whether ACT UP tactics like occupying the CDC and disrupting state and local health commission meetings will have the same effect they did decades ago, but at this point I don’t know what else to try. Nothing good lies at the end of our current path.

[chrissturniolosbitch]

thank you.

warnings- use of death, self harm, crying, mental health.

summary- y/n's has been struggling with her mental health for a while.

a/n- wait till the end for a juicy surprise!

--------------------------------------------------------

i felt so good. so numb.

everything was spinning, 1,000,000 thoughts at once.

it felt as if nothing was wrong anymore.

everything ive ever had to deal with...

gone

is this a good idea? am i actually going to die?

wait.

i dont want to die? i want to be alive?

suddenly reality hit me. everything i had in that moment would be gone.

i saw a bright beaming light that flashed infront of my eyes.

as i looked closer, i felt more free. more alive

but i didnt want this. i wanted to go back. i wanted matt.

i tried to pull away from the light, but i couldnt.

"why?" i thought to myself as i tried to pull away from the light

it wasnt working?

i was about to give up, i was about to stop fighting.

when suddenly i felt a hand on my waist.

w-what?

"baby? are you okay? a familiar voice echoed through my ears.

i tried to move my body, but couldnt.

i tried to speak, nothing came out but pure muffles.

i still heard the familiar voice in my head.

oh my fucking god.

its matt.

i suddenly felt a jerk to my shoulder.

the light was suddenly gone.

"a-am i dead?" i managed to actually get out as i could finally open my eyes.

"no baby youre with me. youre okay" matt said grabbing me, and pulling me into his chest.

i was home? it was a fucking nightmare?

i bursted into tears, when matt suddenly took my hand and placed it over his heart.

*thump, thump, thump*

"its okay baby, what happened, please talk to me." matt said moving the hair that was sticking to my forehead.

"matt." i said beginning to feel guilty, "i took pills, a-and i tried to k-kill myself"

thats all i could get out before i bursted into tears again.

matts mouth was agape. brows furrowed.

"youre okay now baby. right?" matt said looking at me, worried i needed help...

mentally.

"i- i am..." i lied. i know im hurting but i would NEVER do something like this.

i would never end my life.

matt pulled my legs over his as he pulled me to his chest.

i could still hear his heartbeat

"thank you matt, for helping me. it was so scary ma-" i started talking when matt cut me off

"i know mama, youre okay with me now, safe in my arms. I would never let you or anyone make you hurt" matt kissed my forehead.

"lets get some sleep my love" he stated rubbing tiny circles into my back.

how did i get so lucky, but why the fuck is my mental health so low??

--------------------------------------------------------

ermmm... so yea...

guys i swear im okay and im never fuckkng writing ahit like that again😭....

[jupitersrising]

The next chapter of Survival of the Fittest is taking forever so I thought I'd include some fun facts about how the fic has changed over time. Because I like to talk about it but it doesn't feel necessary to put in the end notes.

Spoilers for all chapters of Survival of the Fittest

***

Originally, Yasmina wasn't going to be in a coma-like state until far later in the fic. I had a comphet lesbian storyline planned (which you can see hints of in earlier chapters) before S5 came out. After it felt wrong to go through with since she was confirmed bi, so I moved the other storyline up and gave her another conflict that will affect her soon!

The fic only had 20 planned chapters for the first couple months and was going to end when Ben reunited with the others. But I got so, so much support and love for it that I decided to continue a full series rewrite.

I always knew I wanted a character to lose a limb. But it's changed so much since the beginning. Originally, Kenji was going to lose his leg but that storyline got replaced with his addiction. (A story that I personally think was better for his character.) Then I decided on Darius. Still, he was going to lose his arm at the shoulder, then the elbow, before I finally moved it down to just losing his hand.

Ben was only going to kill Toro in the first draft and never any other dinosaur but as the rewrite got darker I wanted to include the other dinosaurs.

A few things that haven't changed since the first draft of the outline:

Sammy always killed someone, it's a really big part of her character arc throughout the story.

Darius always nearly drowns (though the setting has changed twice since the first outline).

The Beach (tm) scenes between Kenji and Ben. That's been planned since the beginning and some of the sections were written months in advance.

There's more little things too but those ones are the most fun. Most of the mental health issues, family issues, disorders, and injuries were planned since the beginning too.

Ben was really estranged from everyone in the first few drafts and it took him twice as long to interact fully with the others. The introduction of Brooklynn's friendship actually had me switching up the group dynamics a lot.

I have an (short, unfinished) unreleased snippet of Kye and Kenji's relationship before camp. Basically what happened the night he might have died and the fallout of it right up until camp starts.

There's a throw away line about a controversy Brooklynn was in just before camp, if you can remember, this will come back later. I'm so excited about it!

In the worst version of this story, Bumpy was going to die and truly make Ben go feral. Then I decided against any main character death, so no, she won't die. But it was a thought for a while.

Despite spending the so little time together in the show, Brooklynn and Ben's friendship is one of my favorites to write. Along with Sammy and Ben getting closer since Yaz's illness. I intended for Ben and Darius to have the closest friendship but they haven't gotten there yet. There's a lot of stuff they have to work out. (Yaz is still is platonic soulmate tho, don't worry).

Sorry the next update may take a bit to get out but I hope you enjoyed reading some random notes I never included!

[misslaevna]

A little rant about episode 11

Just finished watching episode 11, and to be honest I am so, so disappointed. I'm not one to complain openly about something, but right now I feel like it's time to.

Spoilers below, also tw: personal opinion, if you can't take that, please do not read this.

Also I'd like to state that I like bsd. I love bsd, I wouldn't have a blog and a tiktok account dedicated to the series if I didn't - this isn't to hate on the series nor on Asagiri, just my two cents regarding the plot.

I have voiced my concerns to friends and mainly on discord how the current direction of the manga and the plot worries me, and I am beyond stunned that my biggest fear actually came true.

All the 'Fyodor is my comfort character' personal stuff aside, I feel like since the prison break arc started, the quality of the writing and the plot hit an all time low.

From my perspective, we got this huge buildup about Fyodor being this absolutely genius of a character. He is smart, he accounts for every possibility and there is no detail that he could possibly miss.

On the other hand, we have Dazai, who is, well, just as smart and perceptive as Fyodor.

So, we have two very smart characters up against each other, which I get why is challenging from a writing perspective, however (especially) since the intrudction of Time Cat Lady, I feel like the writing went from a carefully and logically built up plot to throwing in deus ex machinas and a looot of explanations afterwards to conveniently give the upper hand to Dazai.

I have no problem with Fyodor dying and Dazai emerging as winner (actually I kind of do because I would've loved to see the Agency or Atsushi or Ranpo take him down, but what else could have possibly happened anyways? Dazai is a fan favourite, we don't kill the money machine), however I have a bone to pick with the execution.

I think I would've loved to see a more carefully constructed plot where I can actually root for characters and actually worry for them. Asagiri pulled way too many 'oh they look dead but oh wait actually this and that happened which the reader wasn't aware of so they're not dead' shenanigas to the point where, in my opinion, as readers we simply just couldn't take any major character 'death' seriously - they'll somehow be resurrected anyways or it's gonna eventually be revealed that they weren't even dead to begin with.

And this was the case with Dazai and Chuuya here as well. To me this feels more like trying to put out a fire because of being cornered and having created characters so smart that they prove to be too difficult to write (at least in a pace fast enough for monthly chapter releases?) than actually putting effort into the plot.

All the 'well actually Chuuya wasn't even a vampire' bullshit to me was just way too fucking convenient. I'm happy that Chuuya is alive and well, but this too just served as a convenient plot point to give Dazai the upper hand while dumbing Fyodor significantly down.

I'm sorry but I didn't interpret Fyodor's character so careless (especially for someone who's very sensitive about his physical health) as to not take the antidote as soon as he got out. I didn't get to know Fyodor who would just fall for that trick Dazai pulled.

I really feel like we missed out a LOT on Fyodor with no backstory or whatsoever provided. His character stayed shallow and empty, and I'm actually really mad at Asagiri about this because he was supposed to be this very dangerous and complex villain but I feel like what we were teased with was just not delivered.

I really hope we get a more refined manga ending or that this will be better executed in the upcoming chapters.

Once again, I'm not mad about Fyodor dying, I'm rather disappointed by the way it was delivered. It feels rushed, it feels empty and it didn't live up to my expectations at all.

[kuroneko1815]

Imperial Domesticity: Unexpected Surprise

20 years of Marriage later and they were back where they started all because Callisto couldn’t get enough of his wife. Featuring the Imperial children, which one? All of them. Family time with the young dragons.

Callisto had once told her that she’d be the woman he’d spent the last twenty years loving and building a family with. And he was right. That had been at the very beginning of their marriage, now twenty years on and she never imagined they’d be back to what was essentially the start of their marriage.

At forty three, she thought she’d be done with her days of pregnancy and childbirth, especially with how difficult Nicholas’ birth was, and the Doctor’s own words that it would be near impossible for her to get pregnant again. She and Callisto had taken that at face value, fully believing that they’d never have another. And Callisto in particular had taken it to mean that contraceptives were no longer necessary.

“You said it was impossible for this to happen again.” Callisto, her husband, the love of her life, father of her children, Emperor of Eorka, and the biggest lusty dumbass that had ever existed said flatly as he sat on the edge of the bed, holding her hand.

The Doctor gave a frustrated sigh from where he sat. “With all due respect, Your Majesties, but I said near impossible, not completely impossible. Obviously, if you refuse to use contraceptives and still continue on with such activities with the frequency and passion that the two of you have been, then it was bound to happen.”

Penelope turned red at having it pointed out and stated so. Callisto was shamelessly unapologetic for their passion. The very passion that had never died, not through the pregnancies nor through time. Callisto had kept his promise that he wouldn’t get fat until at least twenty years had passed. Well, the man had shown no signs of stopping his gruelling regiment and training, though that was mostly because he’d been the one to train their children. He placed a blade in each of their hands and taught them to fight and defend themselves as a way to bond.

“I’m concerned about Her Majesty’s health. Her last birth had nearly killed her and had left her bed bound for awhile and she’d been younger then. Not to mention how…fragile her health has always been.” The Doctor confessed. “There are options of course.”

Penelope felt bile rise in her throat at those words. She refused to give up on this child. “That’s out of the question.” She said immediately, voice rather sharp.

“I understand.” The Doctor said soothingly. “Then we’ll need to keep a closer eye on you throughout the pregnancy. Given the complications and the difficulties from your last pregnancy, it would be advisable to have a Doctor assigned to you at all hours. And, as hard as it is for me to say, there is a higher chance of you losing this baby.”

“Then I’ll do whatever I can to give this baby the best chance.”

The Doctor said a few more things but her mind had gone too far for her to even begin to comprehend anything he was saying. Callisto though, was taking notes beside her, even though she knew the Doctor would give them a full written report on it later.

When the Doctor left, Callisto turned to her, and she knew he’d already been able to tell that she was troubled. His hand went to cup her cheek as he brought his forehead to hers. “My Love?” He asked.

“I’m worried.” She confessed as she looked at the rings on their fingers. “Judy was barely thirteen when I gave birth to Nick, and I’d almost died. We almost died. I’d never regretted the ring more than that day. I was so worried on what would happen to the children if we’d both passed then. I know we spoke to my family and to Cedric and Winter but… but I don’t know if they’d have been able to stop factions from forming around them, if they would have been able to shelter the children completely from the infighting and the machinations of the nobles the way we have… and now this.” She touched her womb where another little life was now growing. “I already love this child as much as I do our other children.”

“So do I.” He told her gently, a smile on his face as he touched her womb, that look of wonder was on his face again. “I hold the same worries but Judith is older now and I like to think on the bright side when it comes to our family.”

He truly did. While Penelope often worried, staying up late into the night until Callisto soothed her, calming her down, or wearing her out through the more physically amorous means, He would often weave happy tales of their family and he made sure they were things that were plausible, always making sure that they would come true to the point that she sometimes thought of it as clairvoyance until he’d pointed out that he had the means to do whatever he wished to make their children’s dreams come true.

Callisto was different now from the man she’d met in that maze almost twenty six years ago now. That man was paranoid, suspicious, dark, and hard. His smiles and laughter were cruel and vicious. He had been fresh out of war and knew only brutality, death, and deception. He was frequently attacked and saw the assassin’s shadow at every turn. He had terrified her back then.

But this Callisto in front of her now was soft and light. His hair still that same golden blonde but now she could see streaks of white gold peaking out, his face unlined save for the smile and laugh lines by his mouth and eyes. And he still only looked at her, no matter how many women paraded themselves in front of him, his eyes saw only her, his body craved only her touch and her flesh, his mouth sought only her kisses. It was her bedroom, their bedroom that he retired to at night, and their bed he slept in every night.

His hard edges hadn’t appeared in front of her in so long, though she knew it was still there and often directed at those nobles that made trouble. And the children had never once seen it, nor did Callisto even have any inclination towards showing them. It had gotten to the point that the children doubted the rumours and tales of their Father’s reputation as the barbarian. That, or, as Sophia had once told Diana, they suspected their doting Father had merely gone senile with age.

Callisto had pouted at hearing their words. “I’m not senile or old.” He’d protested.

“But you are, Papa.” Selene had said as she stared at her Father from across the table. “You’re so old, You’re fifty.”

“I’m forty eight!” He said indignant.

“That’s so old! Forty eight is a bajillion years from now.” Nicholas said solemnly.

Penelope laughed with Judith and Roxanna while Callisto had spluttered at their only son’s words. That conversation had happened not even a week ago. She had soothed Callisto when they’d gotten back to their room, stripping him and pushing him to the bed before she took the lead temporarily while she extolled his virtues and the merits of his handsome face and form. Allowed him to ‘seek’ comfort in her arms and her body until he took over for her.

Thinking on it harder, was it any wonder that she’d ended up pregnant again? Especially when nearly every night had ended in such a way, one part of him that showed true for his dragon lineage was how he was always greedy and lustful, seeking to take and conquer her body, to become one all the time. Now that she knew it was a possibility all along, she found herself surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner.

“Callisto.” She called out from where he’d gone down on his knees to kneel beside her womb, whispering promises and assurances the way he had with her five other pregnancies. He looked up at her call and she took his hand to give him a gentle tug to signal that she wanted him beside her. He obliged immediately.

She leaned over and kissed him, hands going to his hair, mussing it up the way she just loved to, the way that had always gotten her hot and bothered.

“I love you.” She whispered to him.

“And I love you, My Empress.” He answered back. “Don’t worry. We’ll weather this together as we’ve done before.”

Penelope remembered when she was pregnant with the twins, the incident with Nausica that had nearly come to war. She worried at the time that it would truly come to such a thing as their trollop of a Princess had continued to try Callisto’s patience by first refusing to give an apology and then showing up at the Imperial palace under the guise of finally giving an apology only to insult Penelope at every turn, in front of an already seething Callisto (she worked rather hard to calm him down all the time) and then proceeding to try and seduce him.

Penelope herself had reached her breaking point when she dared call Judy an abomination for her wings and magic. It was Penelope who had lashed out, slapping her after that and giving her a tongue lashing of her own, dressing her down in front of everyone, pointing out her shameless behaviour, and then actually telling Callisto to tighten the noose and stop any and all imports and exports from Nausica around the Empire and it’s other tributary states. An economic embargo that nearly crippled the kingdom had it gone on for too long.

In a panic, the King himself had gone down on his knees and begged forgiveness, practically pulling his daughter down on the floor with him before promising to deal with her personally. Princess Bianchi had lost her title to marriage and was brought low, not a commoner but not an upper noble either, nor was her husband wealthy enough to sustain her lush habits.

Penelope had long been known as the Emperor’s mediator because she was the only one could temper him and mediate any sort of peaceful resolution through her ‘suggestions’ (truly, the wonders of threatening to cut him off intimacies).

-

-

Callisto stared at Penelope’s sleeping form. The silver that had begun to lightly intersperse her magenta hair was especially pretty during the night when the moonlight would hit it. He understood her worries, he always did. And he knew what she was trying to say. Of their six children, only Judith was of age though the other two were old enough to discern things for themselves, but the other half was young enough that they were impressionable and easily tricked. Thankfully, they’d all inherited their parents stubborn nature so it was difficult to try to pressure them into doing things.

He mentally made a list of things that needed to be done. Penelope would no doubt want to inform the children first before they informed her Father and brothers. There was also the pillow to think of. Penelope, throughout each of her pregnancies had favoured a pillow she’d specifically designed to keep her comfortable while she slept. She claimed that it helped reduce the aches that came with pregnancy. And he believed it, had seen the noticeable reduction in Penelope’s subtle grimaces of pain while using it, even if he was loathe to have her hugging a pillow rather than him while they slept.

He’d have to have another one made. He had a ritual of burning them after she’d delivered the babe. The offending pillow that hoarded his wife’s cuddles while he was forced to sleep alone, her back turned to him. Also, those pillows had seen things. He smirked at the creative ways he’d made use of it with Penelope. There was a reason why they needed multiple covers for it.

He also needed to make contingencies should the worst happen, even if he hated to even think on it. Penelope was right that Judith was older now, she’d come of age last year and was now closer to twenty than ever before. Out of all of the children, Judith was the one who’d have the most responsibilities thrust upon her should… should that happen and they were both lost to the children.

He sighed and decided that there were things that could be put off until tomorrow.

-

-

The children sat down for breakfast, their tradition of taking their meals together as much as possible was unbroken. Breakfast and Dinners were practically inflexible, a fixed part of their routine. Snacks, tea, and lunch was the variable part.

He had spoken to his wife earlier and they’d both agreed that it was better to tell them now. The children had taken it quite well… in fact… to well. They eyed them suspiciously.

“Judy guessed it yesterday.” Roxanna answered simply. “And then she told the rest of us.”

The twins nodded. Sophia and Selene had expressed their happiness over having another sibling.

“I’m not gonna be the baby anymore. I’m gonna be a big brother!” Nicholas exclaimed happily, hands flailing about in a little seated dance.

“Do you think it’s going to be a boy or a girl?” Diana asked her siblings as they began to make bets. Before Nicholas’ birth, nobody would have made that bet, not even Callisto, believing that he’d have another daughter, they’d chosen the name Nicole which was immediately changed when their baby was born a boy.

Of course, on top of Penelope’s condition, they had to scramble because the nursery they’d prepared and all the clothing that he’d bought was for a baby girl. It was a great shock and a joyous blessing but also, a large headache in the form of the traditionalists who wanted a son on the throne. He’d had quite a few nobles publicly disciplined and censured for stirring up all of that trouble.

His baby boy, sweet and innocent child that he was, had, much as his older siblings did, publicly turned his nose at the thought of taking the throne, wanting to become the next head mage instead.

“Hey Servant Emperor!” Judith called out cheekily. “You know, if I have a child of my own soon, then my little baby brother or sister would be around the same age as my son or daughter.”

Callisto’s face darkened at those words. “Ha, no way are you,” then he paused to look at each and every one of his children, “any one of you, having a child anytime soon.” He declared.

“Yeah, Servant Emperor is right!” Nick said, nodding along with him. That’s right, as the only two ‘men’ of the family they needed to stick together and protect the women. “I’m too young to be an uncle.”

His older sister began to coo at him, causing him to pout, magenta hair covering his ruby eyes as he looked away petulantly. Nick had been the only one to have Penelope’s colouring, even if it was just the hair. His son often tried to pretend to be a grown up but always failed short, his over protective older sisters and parents, grandfather, uncles, cousins, and well everyone basically, always doted on him fiercely because he was the baby of the family.

Callisto smiled at them all fondly as he took them in. There was a time when he’d dined alone, and now, the empty seats in this large table had slowly been filled up. He remembered being six and eating alone after his Mother’s death, remembered being a child thrust into a battlefield and eating in his tent while he listened to his men enjoying themselves and building that camaraderie and knowing that he never could join them unless he wanted to cause them some discomfort.

When Penelope came into his life, he would take his meals with her, even if they had to do it miles apart and through a communication orb. The lonely anxious days when he’d wait for her to call only to realize that she may or may not have forgotten. The days after she’d finally moved in permanently and he would push his meals back so that he could wait for her to wake up and they’d take their meals together.

And then Judy came. When she could finally sit up, Penelope had a small table placed in their room and they’d have her in a high chair, the two of them taking turns feeding their daughter. The high chair turned into a normal seat propped up by pillows as she grew older. And the cycle repeated itself until they finally transitioned to the large dining room that they now ate at. Another chair or two would be occupied soon, filling up all the spaces.

Penelope caught his eye and she smiled at him from across the large table. Now too far apart to reach across and hold each other’s hands but neither of them minded. The sounds of their children’s laughter and their carefree, unburdened, smiles always filled up whatever lonely spaces remained in their hearts until it was full and bursting at the seams.

-

-

His Father-in-law took the news about as well as could be expected in that he collapsed into his seat, clutching his heart. “I thought the two of you were done having children!” He exclaimed as he stared at them.

“So did I.” Penelope confessed. “But apparently near impossible doesn’t actually negate the slim margin of possibility that I could still have another.”

Neither of his Brother-in-laws looked impressed by their words but there was nothing to be done. After all, Penelope was a married woman and their Empress, they couldn’t really try to censure her. He’d never let them live if they tried.

“Well, look on the bright side, it’s another grandchild for you to dote on.” Callisto reminded him.

And yes, just as predicted, the man softened at those words. “It would be nice to have another baby to carry around.”

The Duke was now seventy one and spent most of his days puttering about in his gardens or spoiling all of his grandchildren.

“Speaking of grandchildren, where are they?” The Duke asked as he craned his neck around as though they’d magically appear in front of him.

“They’re out on the grounds. Nicholas has a riding lessons today and they want to be there for it.” Penelope answered. “And what of William and Richard?”

Richard was Derrick’s son, the heir to the Dukedom who was a quiet and introverted child. He was sweet and much like William, Reynold’s son, were close to their cousins. They were closer in age to the twins and Nicholas than to Diana or Roxanna. And certainly not close in age to Judith.

“They went out in search of their cousins so they may be with the Princesses and Prince now.” Derrick Eckhart said with a sigh.

Reynold Eckhart snickered at the thought of what mischief their sons would be dragged into now that they were with the Imperial Children who were notorious for their incidental mischiefs.

“It’s nice to see them all getting along.” The Old Duke said.

-

-

Penelope had the pillow now and she was cuddled up to it leaving Callisto feeling lonely. She stirred slightly and turned to him. “Come over here.” She demanded. “I’m cold.”

Callisto grinned, the best thing about fall and winter whenever Penelope was pregnant was being used as her personal heat pack. The pregnancy always left her feeling too warm for comfort and his body was warmer than an average humans all the time as a call back to his dragon heritage. It meant that extreme temperatures rarely bothered him.

He quickly shifted to hug her from behind, his hand on the swell of her womb where their youngest (and hopefully last) baby grew.

“Hmm.” Penelope sighed contentedly. “Much better.”

-

-

“What’ll we call Servant Emperor once he’s not Emperor anymore?” Judith asked one evening during dinner.

“How about Papa or Father?” Callisto offered.

The children all looked at one another and then back at him. “No, thank you.” They said in unison.

He sighed in defeat. What started out as teasing nickname from Judith when she was three years old had turned into a lifelong name and term of endearment from his children. “How about Dowager Servant Emperor?” Selene offered.

“Dowager implies widowhood.” Penelope pointed out. “I hope you’re not wishing that upon your father.”

“No way!” Selene said. “No Dowager then.”

“Former Servant Emperor?”

“Well, how about Grandpa Servant?” Roxanna said with a teasing smile. “Since he’ll likely step down after Judy has a child.”

“How about we table that nickname until after I have a child.” She said wryly.

Diana leaned forward. “Servant Emperor Emeritus.” She offered.

“A bit of a mouthful.” Sophia said with a grimace.

“Let’s just stick with Servant Emperor.” Nicholas said.

“Agreed.”

-

-

Callisto had finished the conversation with Judith and Roxanna. While all of the children were aware to varying degrees about the way their parents were tied together, only the two older girls truly understood the severity of the situation. And he needed to prepare them.

He sighed as he stood, the bare bones of a coronation ceremony was already planned should it be necessary to have his eldest take the throne within a year. Right now though, he was tidying everything up, making sure to tighten his grip on the worst of the troublemakers to ensure a smooth transition for Judith which he hoped wouldn’t be necessary.

Right now, the two had already begun to take over some of Penelope’s duties as her strength waned and the symptoms of pregnancy continued to plague her.

He caught sight of twin magenta hair within the gardens and he grinned. Judith and Roxanna followed his gaze and they smiled. “Let’s go see Mama.” Roxanna said as they grabbed his hand, dragging him down the halls and out to where he could hear Nicholas’ laughter.

“Well, I hope the little Prince hasn’t been tiring you out, Empress.” Callisto called out.

The two immediately turned to them. “Servant!” Nicholas called out and ran to him. His arms outstretched and he caught him immediately, lifting him up and letting his son place a kiss on his cheek.

“What about us, Nick?” Judith asked with mock hurt marring her voice.

“Aww, don’t be sad, Judy, Roxie!” He said and immediately held out his arms to give his big sisters hugs.

Judith took him into her arms. “Why don’t we give them some time alone and we can go find the others and we can have a boat race on the lake.”

“Yes! Let’s do it!” Nick said with cheer.

The children gave Penelope a kiss on the cheek first before they turned to him and gave him one as well. “We’ll see you for dinner, Mama, Servant Emperor!” Roxanna called out.

“I guess that’s just my name forever.” Callisto said resigned as he walked towards his wife.

“Could be worse.” She said as she leaned into his arms, they walked slowly, making their way to the maze. “They could call you the unrepentant bastard or psycho asshole.”

“Ahh, yes, your nicknames for me.” He said, recalling what she’d sometimes call him when they were younger. “I like the nicknames you gave me later.”

“Which ones? Lusty moron? Crazy Emperor? Pervert stalker?” She threw out.

He grinned down at her. “Darling, dear, love.” And then he leaned down. “The world’s best lover.”

“I never called you the last one.” She said.

“Really? I could’ve sworn you did.” He said in mock contemplation. “Maybe it was in my dreams.” And then he froze, grinning down at her, the little one inside her was calm for the moment. “How about I try to make you admit it?”

The lascivious grin he gave her made her blush. “You really are shameless.”

“I don’t deny that, but only towards you, Love.” He said as he picked her up, carrying her gently as they stood at the heart of the maze where they first met. “At least we don’t have to worry about contraceptives.”

“This is exactly how we got into this situation in the first place.” Still, she craned her neck and gave him a kiss. “Hmm… I can’t believe you’re seducing me here.”

“Why not? This is where it all began for us.” And then he turned around and made his way back to their palace.

-

-

Penelope still attended Judith’s birthday celebrations despite the fact that she could give birth at any moment. Judith had fussed and told her it wasn’t necessary but Penelope was adamant about not missing any of their children’s birthdays. Thankfully, it passed without incident.

Although, Penelope woke Callisto up a few hours after they retired to bed.

“It’s time.” She said, breathing through the pain calmly, having had enough experience with it that she knew what to expect and what to do.

Callisto jumped up immediately and called for the guards to get the Doctors as he rushed to Penelope. This was the part that he hated the most, seeing her in so much pain, worriedly wondering if she would make it. He climbed in beside her, repositioning her to give her enough comfort and support.

As the minutes trickled by, he noticed the rapid progression of her contractions. This was the fastest her labour had developed and he worried that she’d deliver without the Doctors here.

The door flung open and the maids entered with basins of water and towels. The Doctors all gathered around her. He whispered soothing words into her ear the way he’d always done each time she went into labour.

He could hear the children outside, speaking and pacing up and down the halls as they waited for any news.

“This is definitely the last one, Your Majesty.” Penelope said, a whine in her voice as she grunted through the pain. “We’re too old now, Judy was right when she said she might start having children soon. I don’t think I’ll have enough energy in me to run after a baby of our own and whatever grandchildren we’d have.”

Soon the Head Doctor was instructing Penelope to push. In no time at all, an infant’s cry was heard. He waited, having learned from the twins that another could come soon but there wasn’t anything from the Doctors who quickly took the babe nor from the Doctor who delivered the after birth.

“Congratulations Your Majesties. We have another beautiful and healthy little princess.”

Callisto hugged Penelope tightly as she leaned on him in relief.

The babe was in Penelope’s arms within minutes, swaddled in a soft green blanket that Penelope had made with the help of the children.

He leaned over to look at his newest daughter and laughed happily. His beautiful wrinkly little baby had tufts of dark pink hair that would no doubt turn magenta like her Mother and brother’s hair had. He touched her cheek with a finger and her eyes opened, hazy blue green eyes peaked out from behind him.

“What should we call her?” He asked. They’d spent months trying to figure out a name but couldn’t settle on one.

Penelope looked at him with a soft smile before she turned to the baby. “How about Felicity?” She suggested. “For the happy laughter you let out when you caught sight of her. May she always be happy and bring happiness to those around her.”

“Princess Felicity Regulus.” Callisto said, trying out the name on his tongue. “I like that. Felicity it is.”

And then he smiled down at his daughter while the Doctor recorded the name on the family registry and prepared the forms for her birth certificate for them to sign later on. “Hello, Felicity Regulus. I’m your Papa, don’t listen to that awful nickname your siblings, I’m Papa to you, the man that keeps talking to you while your Mama slept. Welcome to this madcap family, you’re in for a wild and happy ride.”

He let go of Penelope and the baby and stood to change behind the screen while the maids tended to his wife and cleaned up the bed, then he went outside to the door to let the children in.

“Come meet your new sister, Felicity.” He told them.

They squealed and rushed to his wife, pushing him away from the door. He smiled as they converged around the bed and leaned in close.

Callisto dismissed the servants and the Doctors and just stood there at the foot of the bed with a smile on his face feeling nothing but absolute joy and contentment, peace settled in his heart.

From the outside, the bells rang to announce the birth.

Penelope looked up at him and she mouthed an ‘I love you’ to him. She blew him a kiss that he pretended to catch, hand going to his heart and he mouthed back the words.

I fully believe these two would still be going at it even decades later. Callisto loves being a Father even if he hates the Servant Emperor name, he knows it’ll be the name that’ll follow him for the rest of his life and he’s okay with that. All of the girls had taken after Callisto and Nicholas broke that trend by being born a boy and with Penelope’s hair. And now they have their little Felicity. It took me a lot of math to calculate their age gaps and the ages of both Callisto and Penelope when they were born. Also… I’m planning on adding doing the Nausica incident that Penelope briefly touched on if anyone is interested.

[moiravim]

I Miss When We First Met: Chapter 26

YN Potter falls in love with Draco Malfoy. Along with that, her relationship with her brother, Harry begins to fall apart as she was sorted into Slytherin. Will Harry find out about the relationship between his enemy and his sister?

IMWWFM: Masterlist

School seemed to be getting worse and worse. You were starting to regret joining the quidditch team, because now you were stuck spending almost every morning practicing.

Not only that but you saw little to no improvement. Staying up late to help Luna with all of the magical creatures around Hogwarts was also starting to take a toll on you.

Going to bed late and waking up early was not a good combo. You were starting to skip meals so that you would have more time to study.

You were now thirteen. This was supposed to be a big step forwards, You were expecting Hogwarts to become more fun. But the only change was your mental health declining.

Your friends were starting to get worried, but you promised them nothing was up. You sleepily walked from the quidditch pitch to your next class, defense against the dark arts.

You liked professor lupin a lot. He was always kind and understanding. When you got to class you sat in your usual seat between Ginny and Neville.

They both noticed how eerily tired you were. You were zoning in and out of consciousness and couldn't pay attention to a thing Lupin was saying.

You had fallen asleep at some point and didn't notice when class was dismissed. "Miss Potter, should I be worried?" Professor Lupin questioned in a gentle tone.

"Huh..? Oh. No. Um.." You stuttered out, trying to think of what words to say. Suddenly, in your sleepy state you ask; "Actually, I have a question. Unrelated, but... You said you knew James, right?".

He sighs before responding; "Yes. We were good friends. Why?"

"Do you happen to know who my real parents are? What happened to them?" His face starts to become nervous.

"Yes... I do know... But it's best if you don't" He says with an apologetic voice.

I immediately counter his claim; "if anyone should know it's me! I need to know... Please?".

He looked at you sadly. "Your mother died. And your father... He's a horrible man. You wouldn't want to know".

You were starting to get nervous, but your curiosity couldn't be killed that easily. "But I do want to know!"

He side once more and put his hand to his forehead, obviously getting annoyed. "Your father... Is 'the heir of Slytherin'... You-know-who... I'm sorry, YN".

The look of shock on your face would concern anyone who walked by. He explained that your father had disowned you because of your gender. James thought he could give you a better chance at life and immediately found you and adopted you as a baby.

This all just made everything worse. Not only were you sorted into Slytherin but you were the daughter of Voldemort. The most evil man you could think of.

You hated crying, it made you feel gross. But you cried all the night. You have rethought everything about yourself.

Did Draco know this already? There had been rumors about you being voldemort's daughter, but you just thought they were crazy.

There was another boy who was rumored to be voldemort's son. Mattheo was it? You wondered if he was actually related to Voldemort as well.

[lylylylyy]

As a Touya stan I'm frustrated with the new chapter because Enji still mainly saw Touya as some kind of responsibility, not his kid wanting his attention from the very beginning.

When Enji faces Touya, the first thing we know about him is that he notices phosphor, which leads to the question of asking about Shouto's well-being.

Enji's question is rather reasonable since Touya made it clear that killing Shouto is his goal, and it's natural for Enji to be concerned about Shouto, the kid he showed to care the most in the series who could be dead. However, what annoys me is that he showed no concern about Touya's health-I mean, looking at Touya. The whole fandom and the characters in the manga are all wondering how he could be alive. He is basically on his last legs yet Enji here showed zero concern about this fact.

Contrary to Enji's concern for Touya in the previous chapter, he chose to ask the rather triggering question related to Touya's whole trauma of being thrown away by his parents for his younger brother, which is not beneficial for Touya's overall health state at all. Seeing this, I couldn't help but feel that some people in the fandom are way too optimistic about Enji's parenting skills. He is trying, yet his attempt is far from a good try, so I don't think the worries and frustrations are unsupported in the text.

Also, I noticed the final words, "父に課されたのは…" after the last panel. It's not Enji pov but still represents the author's attitude towards Enji's emotions.

父 means father, and 課された is not a very good word here. It means be imposed on, usually used to describe a burden or loan. Thus it gives me the feeling that the next chapter will not be the heart-to-heart conversation about Enji's love for Touya when he was young, just a talk about the responsibilities Enji had to take. No potential affection or caring parents vibes, only some obliged resignation.

I understand that Enji's reactions would absolutely make sense, since Enji was never a kind person in the past and he's not used to the thought of caring for Touya as a parent for 10 years. But as a person whose supposed redemption arc of becoming a decent father is receiving so many praises, Enji in this chapter feels pretty lame and upsets me because he failed to reach that bar again.

Horikoshi's been pretty busy, and I hope he could get the rest that he deserves. I understand that this chapter is short due to his alarming health condition and we will get the next chapter where meaningful things would probably happen between Touya and Enji. However, judging from the text, their upcoming interactions seem rather dim and uncertain to me.

We know that Enji thinks his mission(my translation of 使命, the word he used in the chapter) is to keep eyes on Touya, but keeping eyes on Touya now won't just magically remove the pain of being rejected for over a decade. I pessimistically think it would be just another battle shounen fighting scene, where Enji takes damages from Touya and fails to say anything that would be impactful enough to stop Touya from his self-destructive mental state. It might make a difference as Shouto and his Phosphor did, but it won't be strong enough to totally chill Touya. I just hope the next chapter will prove that I was wrong.

Considering the cultural background, the typical harsh East-Asian father Enji would not suddenly become a person that has no shame in acknowledging his affection and worries towards his son. Like the scene with Natsuo getting kidnapped, I strongly doubt that he would give the interactions western society considered the right things to do.

As for the Todoroki endgame, I can't help but think about Shouto, who genuinely desired to know his brother despite the sad fact they probably shared 0 good memories in the past. Touya 100% knows that his crimes would be a burden for his father, but as a person with very low self-worth, he won’t anticipate his family to want him back as a beloved member. I feel it pretty unrealistic if Enji turns out to be a loving A+ parent and solves Touya's issues all by himself, so I believe the narratives won't just go that far.

Therefore, I assume the father-son fighting scene would end with Shouto interfering. However, another scene of stopping Touya with ice again would be pretty unnecessary. My guess is AFO would do something stupid and Toga would be convinced by Ochako to stop the parade and help her friends, and Shouto might come to help Touya take AFO.

PS: I am not a native English speaker so I might end up writing weird or offensive sentences while not knowing about them. Please tell me if I was wrong or being rude _(:з」∠)_

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hi Ralph. I hope you’re doing as well as you can be and I thank you for being so patient with all of us.

As someone who’s been involved in social justice movements, organizing etc, how do you deal with confusion, conflicting feelings, and nuance? And how do you handle a potential disagreement with a close friend about it? Also I’m sorry that this is long. I’m thinking out loud and I don’t expect you to answer the questions or even the anon. It’s more to represent my conflicting thoughts and I was wondering how you deal with this kind of thing. Obviously I’m not struggling compared to people there, or the majority of people anywhere, but I thought you might relate, maybe?

My friend (she’s fifty years older and like a grandma to me) is Jewish and supports Israel completely, is a democrat. She’s brilliant, funny, has her phD, has traveled, knows Palestinians, dated one while living in Europe, etc. She said that he believed that members of groups like Hamas cared more about glory and freedom than the health of their people. We were talking about pro-Palestine tweets among Taylor fans. She said she hopes someone like Taylor would come forward supporting Israel and condemning Hamas. I agreed with her aloud even though I don’t agree. How would you deal with this situation?

I’m conflicted about Israel/Palestine. I don’t know if Hamas cares about regular Palestinian lives. I wonder how many Palestinians they thought would die after Israel retaliates. It’s almost as if they’re provoking an even worse humanitarian crisis. But then Israel provoked the creation of Hamas. Im revolted by the excessive bombing and use of white phosphorus. Who I am to judge Hamas, really? But I judge them anyway. I can’t fathom what’s happening to Palestinians.

It’s absolutely understandable that Jews wanted their own country after the Holocaust. I think if the majority of major religions have countries, it’s important that Jews have one too. I don’t think Israel’s an invalid state but I think it’s run by a terrible man and I don’t like much of what they do. It bothers me when people online call it “isntreal.” Aldo I don’t get why they say Israel didn’t exist until 1949 because that land is referred to in the Bible as Israel? Are Israelis and Jews more indigenous to the land than Palestinians if the Jews were there thousands of years ago? How do people declare who’s the most indigenous? Some people think the Jews are taking their land back? Some people think Hamas is a resistance movement? But justification of terrorism is horrifying. It’s not like there was a vote in Palestine to decide whether to attack Israel. If there were, and the majority voted to hurt Israel, Israel would have more justification. But it’s terrifying that Hamas has decided they represent everyone. So many more Palestinians are dying because Hamas gave israel justification to kill more. Israel’s treatment of Gaza will radicalize more young people into joining organizations like Hamas. It’s a disaster.

Iran’s involvement makes me suspicious. I think they want Israel destroyed and don’t care about Palestinians. Why would they care about Palestinians when they murder or arrest women who don’t “properly” cover their hair? But also, the US helped overthrow Iran’s last democratic leader? But also it’s important for israel to exist to have a democratic ally in the Middle East?

I’m 18 and I’m trying to learn everything I can before making judgments. Did you feel conflicted like this when you were younger? Do you still feel like this? I think social media has made it even more confusing. I can’t tell what’s reliable and what’s not. But also, how would someone allegedly live-tweeting from Gaza prove that they’re reliable? Why should they have to? How do you decide what to trust or not trust?

I’m especially worried about American republicans who appear to be supporting Palestine only because Biden supports Israel. I’m worried that young leftists will begin to trust these republicans because they agree with the republicans on one international issue. So many young people supporting Israel are retweeting a man who’s pinned tweet is about how he had a great time chatting with tucker Carlson. That man supports palestine because he wants to prove that Biden is evil or incompetent etc. How does one trust anyone in government ever? I’m worried Biden will lose the 2024 election because of his support for Israel will cost him the support of democrats. And then we’ll end up with someone astronomically worse.

Thank you.

Also just for anyone reading, I listened to this amazing podcast about the history of Israel/Palestine. It was published in September and august of this year so it isn’t colored by the recent events and subsequent/sudden pity for Israel. I like especially the explanation about how Israelis and Palestinians have different names for the same event. It can be the worst day ever or the best day ever, depending on who you are

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2uaV7mS3cTEKITWp7T3JL2?si=aYXRTgRCTJSBXNaHDyH-qw

Thanks so much for your thoughts anon - sending you all the love as you make sense of the world. It took me a long time to figure out what I thought about Israel and Palestine and at times I felt it was too complicated and found the way people talked about Israel stressful, even when I was on Palestinian solidarity protests.

You don't have to have this all figured out to take action. You think the current actions of the Israeli state are terrible - that's enough to take action in solidarity with Palestinians. I really encourage you to do what you can in this week - you don't need to have untangled and resolved everything to take solidarity action.

In terms of the advice you were asking for - my main point is that it's OK that you feel confused and unclear and give yourself time to figure out almost all of this. You will learn more about Israel and Palestine with time. It's OK to take time to figure out how to have friends with people who you disagree with and who pressure you to agree. You will figure out that with time - and my only advice is to give yourself time. The only urgency right now is to take action in solidarity with Palestine - and you can do that with all the confusion and ambiguous feelings you have.

For the rest - rather than trying to respond to everything you say - I'm going to focus on two specific ideas. There are beliefs that seem to underlie what you say and where I understand things very differently. I am offering these alternative ways of understanding the world as a way of showing how I see things. I don't know if they'll speak to where you're coming from or not, but they seemed like a good place to start.

The first is that I don't think religions having countries is a good thing - it's a cause of horrendous oppression and injustice. There are all sorts of examples from history of this idea (the reformation), but I think one particularly good and recent example is the partition of India and the consequences that flow down through till today.

It's easy, I think, for things to be naturalised or talked about as if they are natural - and so when people say oh X is OK because it's an example of Y - there can be a lot of ignorance about Y, which is actually terrible. I think being clear eyed about what ethnic or religious national states are actually like (and have been like) really helps see through some of the false equivalence that goes on with Israel.

You might have seen an anon come back twice and say 'don't you think Jewish people should have a state' and treat this as if the answer was obviously yes. If you understand what it means to say that only this group of people who live in this land should control the state that rules over it, then it becomes very clear why the answer should be no - and that's not a statement about Jewishness, but about the nature of states.

The second is that I disagree with your understanding of indigeneity in a way that is quite important - and might be useful. As you probably know I've spent most my life in New Zealand and that shapes how I see settler colonisation and resistance to it.

There's a simple rendition of the idea of indigeneity - which is the people who have had the longest connection with a particular piece of land are indigenous and therefore should be able to control what happens to it (or the other side where you look back and see who has the longest connection with land to decide who is right) - really quickly unravels and there's lots of the world where it would lead to supporting terrible things.

The alternative is to see that people become indigenous as a result of the process of dispossession through settler colonialism. Before settler colonies there are no indigenous people - there are just people who live places - just like there have been people who lives places all over the world for as long as there have been people

Settler colonisation is a way of controlling land and resources - and it's different from other sorts of imperialism. In the Americas, and later in New Zealand and Australia resources were taken by new societies that were built where people were already living. This was only possible because huge numbers of people were moved to that land on the basis of a promise that they would have access to land that they wouldn't have otherwise (alongside an ideology that the land they are claiming is their right). Settler colonialism is the process of taking over a society by offering people access to resources, particularly land, to move to the new place (in the Americas obviously there was also the forcible movement of enslaved people in addition to settler colonisation, but it is this movement of free people that characterises settler colonisation). It is the combination of offering inducement to move people, and using those people to maintain power, that makes settler colonisation different from other forms of migration. It's only in the face of settler colonialism that people who are living their lives become indigenous people.

That is the sense in which Palestinians are indigenous to the land of Israel - they were dispossessed from their land and homes by people who lived elsewhere and moved with the assistance of the state and the intention to displace them. It's not about the ancient history of who deserves the land in some kind of mystical way - it's about a very specific (and in this case recent) history of intentional dispossession. I think the way that appeals the bible are used to obscure the very recent history is really well captured by Michael Rosen's poem Promised Land.

The final thing I want to say is to respond to your characterisation of that podcast. Because my response to what you said was to think: 'what a great summary of why it's impossible to support the state of Israel'. I don't think mine or anyone else's freedom or liberation can be built through the oppression of others. One of the most basic building blocks of my politics is the idea of solidarity 'an injury to one is an injury to all'. It's not at all unusual for horrors on one people to be a source of triumph for another - but I believe none of us have a chance unless we can build a different sort of world that is based on solidarity as opposed to fighting over scarcity. If a great joy for one people, is a catastrophe for another - it's a really clear sign that that great joy is not something that I can support politically.

[the8thsphynx]

FELLOW YURI LOVER HELLO <3 I love your art and I wanted to pick your brain for any Lunatic theories or headcanons ya got, if you're up for it! I've always had this thought and wanted to ask other Tiger & Bunny fans about it, but how do you think the Petrov family was doing after Legend's death? How do you think Yuri got through law school to become a judge while taking care of his mom??

Ohhhhhh Anon we are sharing a braincell right now. Buckle up.

Yuri gifs sprinkled throughout to help make my points

(CW for the theories ahead, dealing with themes of trauma, domestic violence, child abuse, and alcoholism)

First off, I absolutely think Yuri and Olga were not wanting for money at all after Legend's death, even before Yuri became a judge. There were probably no financial worries whatsoever for Yuri getting through law school, either. Mr. Legend was the hero in Sternbild for the longest time, so there was likely a sizeable life insurance policy and inheritance for them.

Also for sure Maverick threw hush money their way because while the alcoholism was bad enough then that meant Hero TV ABSOLUTELY was not gonna let the news out that Legend's death was because he was about to kill his wife and child. Case in point for this one is that when Ben got the info for Kotetsu about NEXT powers fading, Ben only had info about the alcoholism; not that Legend was an abuser nor that Yuri was his son.

I could make an entirely separate post and go on for days about the fuckery I think was going on between Yuri and Maverick, but I wanna stay on-topic for your question. another day... maybe... if its asked...

So... onto the sadder part!

What Happened to the Petrovs?

So... disclaimer: I am NOT a mental health professional... however I am a childhood abuse survivor, so I'm really just pointing out patterns I recognize from my own experiences.

In Ep. 16 of Season 1 when we got Yuri's backstory reveal, I couldn't help but make mental note of his mom and how they interacted. When we first see her, she's not only elderly and disabled to where she needs mobile assistance, but she's also clearly having some sort of memory lapse into a time where the abuse wasn't happening, given her cheery way of talking when she does go into these episodes.

However... When Yuri reminds her that his father is dead, it shocks Olga and kind of snaps her out of it... and her instant response is to start verbally abusing Yuri and throwing things at him.

Yuri not flinching we could first think 'yeah his reflexes as Lunatic are probably making him aware he doesn't need to dodge' but like... what if it's that and that he's used to it...?

I think that the mental condition we see Olga with in the beginning hasn't been going on for too long. If we go off the first movie's timeline of things, Yuri implies that he came to Sternbild and was just appointed as a judge for the city.

Also there's this air in the way Yuri was walking around the house and talking to his mom in S1. Ep16 that makes it feel like this is one of the first times in a while he's been around her. he's also still learning the ropes of being a caretaker for an elderly person, bc as someone who used to work with CNAs and nurses in a retirement home the last thing you want to do when someone's having a memory lapse is forcefully pull them out of it, unless of course the writers for the show themselves just didn't know

All of this to me this feels like Yuri has only just recently come back to Sternbild and moved in with his mom in order to take care of her.

With Olga she obviously was very in love with her husband and adored her son before the downward spiral began. That much is apparent later on in Season 2 where we see Olga (albeit almost permanently in this memory-lapse state) being quite tender and affectionate towards Yuri and acting towards him like she did when he was a child (cue the heartbreaking flashback to how she really really wanted to make the cookies Yuri loved on the night she died).

However, in the moments where she's lucid again and acting negatively towards Yuri, I think this is the truth of their dynamic after Legend died.

Trauma from abuse can do... weird things to people.

Now any of us can sit back and say 'if my child went through the horrible agony of killing their own father to save the both of us I would simply cherish and care for them, RIP but I'm built dif', or 'if my husband started abusing me and my son I would simply divorce him' but... people and legality can be more complicated and messier than that.

I'm not going to get into the semantics on if Yuri's mom was a completely bad person or anything like that (bc the whole theme of the Petrovs is 'there are no only good or only bad people, there's just people), but I'll flat out say that I think a bit after Legend's death Olga was at the very least verbally abusing Yuri.

The complete disregulation of her brain from the abuse and violent death of her husband PLUS all the ways Hero TV was probably covering things up must have messed her up some type of way that she blamed Yuri for their life being turned upside down and was resentful towards him.

On the flipside, on Yuri's part, he absolutely has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother on TOP of how fucked up he is from his father. He doesn't regret stepping in as a child and saving her, but for sure there's a painful wound still stinging in his chest about how their relationship was damaged and never really recovered. With how bitter and toxic things with his mom probably got, Yuri might have left home at some point or was even kicked out.

As for Yuri's personal mental state, I mean the show highlights pretty clearly that he is NOT okay. Yuri has very intense PTSD to the point of constantly reliving when his powers activated and he killed his father to having hallucinations of his father mocking him.

His perception on morality has been pretty skewed to the point of being super vengeful to whoever he perceives as 'wicked', which comes through not just as Lunatic but in his dayjob as a judge where he's known for giving out heavy-handed sentences.

(i mean usually this vengefulness as Lunatic is directed to serial killers or violent criminals, so.... it could be worse, I guess...?).

Now... Back to Yuri and his mom... So for those of us who did survive a toxic family/parent, I'm sure we can look at anyone who asks and say 'lmao fuck my shitty family, I don't care what happens to them' but... let's get real, that shit hurts. Especially like in Yuri's case where the family member wasn't always abusive or at least wasn't in the beginning.

So when the times comes for whatever phone call that Yuri got to come take care of Olga in her old age, I think he was still bitter about how she treated him and was mentally prepared for everything to be nonstop difficult and depressing. And I mean from there we see in the series how things go; exactly that.. But as Olga's mental state deteriorates, in some fucked up bittersweet way her relationship with Yuri greatly improves. Like... to the point where in the very end Yuri was happy to talk to her on the phone and spend time with her. Which again, for those of us that have lived this IRL, is HUGE.

I'm not going to get into Season 2 endgame spoilers, but the ultimate fate of the Petrov family depresses me to no end. I DO like though in S2 Ep20 how Yuri was able to get a LITTLE bit of closure for himself.

I just still maintain a lot of things for him in the end of the series should have been handled differently.

This got long, but the brainworms are real.

WATCH TIGER & BUNNY. STAN YURI PETROV.

Thank you for the ask, Anon!

[vegetarian-macan]

AVERAGE WHITE MAN 🐅

BELOVED FLAT ASS WHITE MAN

Favorite thing about them: Ohhh there's so much. Besides everything, I think it's the fact that try as he might, he can't hide how much of a fucking dork he is. He may act like a "hard-boiled detective" who "isn't here to make friends" but he's a lonely, grumpy dork who literally does fake crowd cheering in his Christmas alt's victory line

Least favorite thing about them: Now we're getting into the fun part. Nomad is a great character, he's well-written, and I can't wait to see what they do with my favorite MIA bootboy, but...I'm also worried. Nomad's mental health (at least at this point in the story) is on thin ice, and on several occasions so far (a lot of it behind a translation wall) he's come close to killing the protag, a child, for getting in his way (his character quest and Christmas Showdown specifically). If he goes past a certain point, he won't be coming back.

brOTP: OHO. Gotta be him and Macan. From strangers to a lost, angry man befriending a young, scared but excitable boy and sharing their mutual misery to Nomad being the only person who can calm Macan down (see Tiger New Year part 2). They're friends, even if Nomad gets overwhelmed by him a lot

OTP: Besides him and my wanderer Rin, I'd say Nomad and Breke (exes), specifically the Nightglows versions of themselves. If you follow me you've seen my Do Me A Favour PMV, so there are some of my thoughts on it. I just love the interactions between the two in the event like the gossip hens moment they have after Cthugha shows up.

NOTP: Macan and Nomad (romantically). I'll kill you.

Random Headcanon: You may have noticed that I tend to call Nomad White Man or White Boy a lot, and that's because of his source material. Gulliver Foyle, may he rot in hell, is stated in The Stars My Destination to be a White man with black hair from the United States. Since a good portion of the beginning of The Stars is canon to housamo, it's not that far of a stretch to say the beloved fiery detective is exactly that, a white guy. Hence, Nomad, the beloved average white american man.

Unpopular Opinion: I think he should be able to kill all of the Utopia scientists he wants and not be punished for it <3

Song I associate with them: FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THIS. HERE'S TWO AS A GIFT:

🔥 Revenge, And A Little More by Unlike Pluto

A song about getting revenge, but wanting something more as well. Need I say more?

🔥 R U Mine? by Arctic Monkeys

Nomad has so many things wrong with him that it's guaranteed his romantic relationships always turn out like this

Favorite picture of them: This image by Ichiboshi

[beastblade69]

sO, THIS IS AN ESSAY ON WHY I ASSOCIATE TERE IN THE THROAT BY MY DYING BRIDE W CHIEF

"I need him

To wash me of my sin

To take me from this place

To heal me of my wounds"

chief speaking of mcmurphy because he's the only one who can make him big again, who can release him and give him new life

"I need him

To clean your mark off me"

your mark - the mark that all those years on the ward w ratchet left on chief's mental health

"To wipe you from my eyes

To strike you from my heart"

because mcmurphy is seen as the only one who has a power to "wipe" ratchet off the ward and make her powerless

"I need him

I know, not what, I do or say

But I, do what, I say and believe

You need him"

I know not what I do or say - describing chief's delusional state overall, his lack of control over his actions (like that ep when he's risen his hand during the poll)

you need him - describing ratchet's need of mcmurphy because only if he breaks him she can have an ultimate power over everyone on ward

"To take you from this place

To heal you from your wounds

You need him

To clean my mark off you"

to heal you from your wounds - the wounds in ratchet's case are her weaknesses mcmurphy has revealed. and only with breaking him down she can "heal these wounds"

to clean my mark off you - clean chief's mark off ratchet means taking the hope away from chief and making him miserable again, never acting rebellious, never speaking the truths he knows

"To wipe me from your eyes

To strike me from your heart

You need him

You are, nothing to me, anymore"

you are nothing to me anymore - describing the moment chief stopped worrying about ratchet and her monstrous ways because he felt powerful enough to resist her

"I hope, I mean, nothing to you

I want a place to hide, somewhere far from your side

There is no stopping you, there's nothing you won't do

You're killing for your God, the stench that you"

I want a place to hide, somewhere far from your side - referring to the time when chief felt miserable and constantly wanted somewhere to hide from ratchet

you're killing for your god - ratchet killing for the combine's sake

"Have trod

The world is black to you, until you slay me too

I'm wasted under you, I meant nothing at all

Thank God I wasted you, no longer will I fall"

the world is black to you until you slay me too - referring to chiefs paranoia about ratchet's therapy methods

thank god I wasted you, no longer will I fall - chief speaking of becoming big again w mcmurphy's help

"I will live again

your grasp on me has gone

your downfall and your end

At last my peace has come"

these are chiefs last words when he escapes the ward and his new life begins

[zephyruswrites536]

Alright, so

(Back at it again with me ranting about a movie I watched and how marauders era- or tma this one wasn’t- characters fit in!)

Now, if you don’t know this:

Sorry you have to scroll down to see- but the andromeda fan cast I have come to know as the most popular is Keira Knightley’s character Cecilia in Atonement-

The story !spoilers! Is about Briony Tallis, her sister Cecilia and Robbie Turner and the unfortunate events that happen within a few shorts years. Briony is given a note by Robbie to give to Cecilia that is very lewd and she reads it before giving it to her sister- then later the same day she finds them in the library having s//x… then even later Briony finds her cousin being r//ed by a man says it’s Robbie for some godaweful reason because I suspect she’s jealous- and then he gets imprisoned even though he did nothing wrong, he joins the war(the beginning events all happened sometime in 1939 I believe.) because he could do that or rot in prison- then he tries getting back to his love Cecilia but never does- he dies- Cecilia broke from her family who had forsaken her lover and joined the nursing staff for the military, and died in a bomb shelter that was flooded. Briony, after the war starts doesn’t go to Cambridge but instead joins the nursing staff like her sister, she hopes to own up for her mistakes, but never does… she never gets to say sorry for what she did- it’s all very depressing. But it’s the reason the movie is called atonement- the definition for “atonement” is reparation for a wrong(or injury)- if you don’t know what reparation means, it’s basically just making amends.

Now, knowing that this was the fancast for Andy- I’ve been thinking since we finished the movie(my family and I), that it kinda fits her narrative canonically. Take out the umm- sexual part and it makes sense.

Narcissa(Briony) catches Andromeda(Cecilia) and Ted(Robbie) together and tells her family about it in a state of worry for her sister’s happiness and health. Andromeda runs away from her family, angry at Narcissa for exposing her before she herself could properly introduce her love, and leaves with Ted. In the end they are both killed by Deatheaters and Narcissa has to pay for the death of her sister, watching from the sidelines.

(I forgot to mention) In the movie, Briony goes to visit Cecilia and say her apologies and clear the air because she misses her sister quite a lot, she goes it doesn’t really go easy because- what she did was very wrong- but Robbie turns out to be there, and yells at briony, Briony confesses what she really saw(an important plot point of you watch the movie, I don’t care to say it here) and then she leaves saying she’d tell the truth to everyone she had lied to.

It turns out this was all a lie- One Briony(I forgot to mention she’s a writer, she writes plays and novels) falsified to give her sister and Robbie a better outcome: because in real life, Robbie died waiting for transport back to England, and Cecilia died(as I said) in a flooded bomb shelter. In her fictional world of the book she wrote, they live happily ever after in a cottage by the sea.

I like to think Narcissa was a writer when she was younger, she’d use her own stories to escape the hell hole she lived in. And I like to put that in retrospective to this story- her writing Andy and Ted a nice ending because they had such a horrible one.