#work has been ..... Unpleasant
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the relationship between the chantry and the mortalitasi in nevarra is SO fucking funny. the carefully politic and civil syncretism of it all. the ‘I’ll refrain from scratching your back to bloody shreds if you refrain from scratching mine :)’. left hand politely averting its eyes from whatever the fuck the right hand is doing merrily up to its elbow in entrails because it usually knows what it’s doing I guess. speak softly, and have an army of the restless dead ready to go banapants horrorshow bonkers if you don’t get to tend to them. We Receive: being able to keep doing our goth thing mostly unimpeded. You receive: us not raising the great majority to protest your unwelcome meddling. render unto the chantry what is the chantry's and unto the watchers what is theirs (or, with all possible courtesy you understand, else…)
#dragon age#nevarra#mortalitasi#a watcher's work is never done#The maker may take the souls but someone still has to care for the graves#the necropolis is such a trump card for the nevarran mages when you think about it -- try to annul the mortalitasi?#soon you'll have some VERY unpleasant things starting to come up from underground and no one who knows how to deal with it#that place has grown and been built upon itself for like a thousand years at this point hope you're good with surprises with no guide#it's not grey wardens in a blight levels of immunity granted but it's up there. thedas realpolitik hits different idk what to tell you#the idea that the ‘higher dead’ are the original souls lingering after death must be getting spicily close to heresy right#even more so than the mortalitasi usually get I mean#Poor Cassandra. Imagine being born a jock among goth nerds no wonder the religion got to her#if her parents had lived she could have been a hotheated dashing noble getting in righteous duels but instead. her uncle. alas.#I jest but I really am so interested in seeing more of nevarra to understand even more of where she's coming from originally#I'm visiting my wife's folks for the first time I'm really excited :) (I do think my adaar would find it fascinating actually so. sry cass)
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wholeheartedly and with as much gentleness as possible, i truly think there needs to be more discussion about downpour in the community as it is now. for a variety of reasons.
#not main tagging this right now but#some tag babbling. like#some of yall are unnecessarily cruel about downpour. seriously.#you don't have to like it but you can also stand not to tear down someone's work like this#if every word out of your mouth is just about how much you hate downpour. why are you still here?#and i mean that genuinely. it's unpleasant for you and for everyone else. and i say this as someone who still prefers vanilla's lore#at the same time i think it's a real issue where some people take downpour as gospel and assume things about other people's creative choice#even though downpour is a DLC and it's hard to make certain claims about canonicity because of that#it has been publicly acknowledged as being an official AU. multiple times. by the MSC devs themselves#downpour is a fan made passion project that was worked on for years and years before it got DLC status#it was never meant to be scrutinized in the way it is now. i think it's more appropriate to regard it as like#a really popular fanfic most of the fanbase has read#i just feel like. a lot of the community conflicts i've seen stem from downpour's messy existence as a DLC that was originally a mod#and i think it's valuable to have community discussions about that. but also this is tumblr. so. i'm probably asking for too much
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I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.
#in other words today has been an oddly sad day! discovering that the friends you've made have their own group chats#that are separate from the general group chat (that no one ever talks on) that you aren't a part of is......... i don't know#i KNOW i'm liked by them and i KNOW they love me but do they WANT me around?#like. i know i'm not UNpleasant to have around. i am a good listener and a good conversationalist.#i work very hard at it because it doesn't come naturally to me.#but clearly that's not enough to be added to exclusive group chats! clearly that's not enough to be part of inner core circles#i don't know this just came out of nowhere and i feel as if i've been slapped in the face#sitting at a table where people are talking about the thing someone sent to the group chat#or the photo or quote or reel someone sent to someone else is....... bizarre.#i am trying not to be so hurt by it! i am trying not to take it so personally#it happens. i know it happens. i know it will keep happening. it is just that i thought this was a place where i wouldn't be lonely#and this is the dorm community i've invested so much of my time and energy and love into since last year.#so i think i'm justified in being a little upset!#i'm not crying about it but that's because i'm not about to cry with other people sitting here in the study lounge!#the math is probably really wrong here but i thought that if i poured love in for the sake of pouring love in#somehow somewhere along the line i would also receive love. that i would actually be a part of this community.#anyway that's not going to change how i live here! i committed myself to doing my best this last year#because i don't want anyone to feel left out or unwanted or lonely. i already made the decision#to do everything i can to love the people here.#i'm not trying to toot my horn this is just what i actually want to and have decided to do!#i have birthday cards planned! i have midterm snacks planned!#i've just worked out how i can print christmas and easter cards and stickers!#i'm GOING to love darn it all i'm GOING to pour love in#i think it hurts especially because there's the boy problem going on too#of not being wanted in an area that i DIDN'T expect to be wanted in#and then learning that there is a collective not being wanted in this whole community#it is a Lot and it is very hard and i don't know what to do with it!#i have had this lie (that i'm inherently unloveable and undesirable) in my head since childhood#and i've worked SO HARD to shut that voice up. and it is so so hard to not believe it right now
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#seen some unpleasant posts here along the lines of “shut up if you aren't american” “sick of patronising european posts” “it's worse for us”#and yes. it is worse for you. you actually have to live there. i can't imagine how much worse and i can't convey in words how sorry i am#HOWEVER please do not be naive enough to think this only impacts you#my husband's entire workplace has been working for weeks on contingency plans based on the worst case scenario that trumpet wins#he has a government job. our government is literally making crisis plans for this. it impacts him and his colleagues directly#i KNOW it is worse for all of you americans. it really is. the scale of our stress and worry is different#but please appreciate when other countries say they're devastated by this too they really do mean it
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shoulder feels like it’s in the wrong place and needs to make a mighty crunch but i keep trying and it just makes weak little clicks and feeling more and more tight and hurting. help! i have joints 👎
#bluejay.txt#my flute professor would Get me for this honestly. it’s definitely from holding tension while i was playing earlier#she’s always all over me for playing with tension and pushing through pain#she’s right but i’m afraid she also doesn’t get that me and my stupid demon collagen are gonna have pain no matter how perfect my posture#but i should fix it as much as i can and i just have so much trouble with that.#at least i don’t play with Visibly bad posture anymore. my elbows are down my neck is up spine is straight knees not locked etc.#used to do all that & looked like the hunchback of notre dame.#now i just hold too much tension bc i’m afraid my shoulders will evacuate the premises (sockets) while i’m playing 💀#which has happened before and is very unpleasant though it doesn’t hurt.#music school moment#i guess#i should have an EDS tag but it would probably just make me sad lmao#man i just want my joints to work right. i would sacrifice the scary shoulder party tricks for less pain and instability fr#been a while since i used this site as a diary like this. hope you all are enjoying it i guess :)
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.
#SORRY this is such a random thing to be posting about and I guess it's a vent post haha#I suppose I've just been feeling a lot of... dread and fear lately... especially in the late hours...#''Lately'' as in on and off for most of my life but *a lot* as of the past few months#Like#Oh it's weirdly embarrassing to talk about this here it's a tad personal uh **tw (discussions of) death#But do you ever just feel paralyzed by the knowledge that one day you'll be 40? Or 60? Or 80? If you're lucky!#I worry a lot about wasting my life#I worry a lot about dying an unpleasant death#Or a painful one#I suppose I've always been gerascophobic...#But finishing school and turning 23 and not having a job and having just a hard time with my physical health lately...#I haven't been great I guess#I just feel like time has been moving so quickly lately!!!#And I've been going nowhere.#:0 not to be too much of a bummer y'all I'm not like feeling horrible rn or anything but I do need to vent I think#Cause if not it just stays coiled up inside of me.#*gah* I should channel all of this energy into Glenn in my pirate fic lol#😌 he's insecure (in part) cause he feels old#🥲 ough and I don't feel amazing about that most recent chapter but I guess that's a whole new vent#working on some different stuff for a bit.#ANYWAYS#I hope whoever happens to be reading this is having a good night ✨️#oh or day if it's day for you lol
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really not beating the brainrot allegations but genuinely this line has been haunting my brain for ages
#rolling with difficulty#vrla rwd#mrsn rwd#well not technically but close enough#asto stop drawing the same two goddamn characters challenge (difficulty: impossible)#technically the original line was 'i see mr-sn' but this way .. works better? flows better? its 4am words are failing me#also took some artistic liberties with the hypnagoug design bc i think austin's intention was that only its face changes#to match your nightmares#but everyone started describing stuff thats much more elaborate and he didnt stop them so#specifically he says the clawed arms and 'a large gaping mouth' stay constant but i am just gonna Choose Not To See that part#look theres no way for me to fit that into the design and make it work. its just not happening#i mean thank god for mr-sn's cape or else id have to figure out the logistics of attaching bony clawed arm to robot torso#(also why i strategically placed the rips on the cape so you cant see the arm underneath LMAO)#yeah after a certain point i was just like. ok how can i make the mr-sn hypnogoug as nasty and unpleasant to look at as possible#so please let me know if this made you upset/lh bc im the one who drew it and *i* was very upset when drawing this#in hindsight hypnagoug mr-sn has lowkey nightmare animatronic from fnaf energy and i've been fully over my fnaf phase for like 6 years so#not sure how to feel about that#art I made
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would love if people would be normal about tourettes
#the bin#of qll my disabilities tourettes is the one i have the most to say about. and its the one i deal with the most social bullshit from#i hate how people treat me not ticcing like its a good thing. its good for you. for me its miserable.#and how they feel entitled to the knowledge of how my tics have been#i hate so much when ill do something very strange or disruptive and immediately get asked if i ever did that at work#every conversation about it feels like im being made fun of or looked at like something so other#its either treated like a nuisance to others. a source if entertainment. or like a horrible curse i have thats bad because of the social#impact it has and others treating me bad. insulting pity. they treat it so different to all my other disabilities#the other ones are treated like a quirk of the body that sucks. like how people i know talk about their own pain#but pain caused by tics is different. people talk wbout it not like a disability but like a magic curse#and no matter how much i ask for it to be ignored by others they refuse. they act like theyre helping me by asking me wbout it#or giving commentary qbout it when i tic. leawve me alone. you treat it liek a tragety because i have to live with such a visable thing#that others dont understand and deal with weird looks and commentary. and then give me weird looks and commentary#i hate it. tourettes itself kinda sucks bc tics are physically unpleasant but its tolerable. thats just how my kife is#what isnt tolerable is howw people act about it. nobody in my family is normal wbout it. after iw was diagnosed its like they all saw me as#a different person. ugh
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feeling a little burnt out tbh so I think I'm going to just try and relax as much as humanly possible to avoid crashing and burning like I usually do this time of year lmao
#[static]#work has been ..... Unpleasant#home life is wonderful and amazing as always but man i spend so much time at work fklghfdgf#it's around this time of year where i start to think 'what's the fucking point of working the job i do' and i have an existential crisis#even trying to play games rn is just Too much for my senses. I need to just enjoy silly non-serious things for a week or two I think#been hanging out with friends outside of work which has helped a lot!#i need some whimsy among the constant horrors which I feel bad for needing since it's 100% a privilege to be able to have that#it sucks that work drains my happiness away!! it's really just a couple of people there that make life miserable for everyone#there's nothing anyone can do about it ... alas ... we must continue moving forward because that's all we are able to do#i also feel bad because I started ME3 but I'm going to have to put playing it on hold until I'm in a much better headspace to enjoy it#it's been really amazing so far but it's incredibly intense and sad and i know it's going to eat my heart by the time it's done with me
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As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.
#speculation nation#bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!!#well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol)#but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad.#i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning)#he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay#but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and#thats my dad. Thats my Dad.#im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go#dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone#so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant.#and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one?#take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say.#but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did.#seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him.#makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me#we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad.#sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today.#negative/#death/#hospitals ment/#idfk. sorry
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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why is everyone in the Mouthwashing fandom so angry all the time lol
#honestly what is going on#i'm just going to drop a fanfic and sit out of all the discourse because this fandom genuinely does not look like a welcoming place#i love a good debate and discussion but a lot of these fans are just really mean-spirited#why has fandom in general become such a deeply unpleasant thing#in the last 5 years the environment has gotten so hostile across the board. why.#for the last few years i have been doing this thing in fandom called Not Participating and Just Letting My Work Speak For Itself#and i think a lot of people would also be better off doing the same
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went to get my tires checked this morning and I was super nervous that something would go wrong so I called ahead of time and gave myself a pep talk and then my CAR DIED in the parking lot and I couldn't get it to start again and as soon as I went and asked for help it started up immediately. I hope I may someday become a hermit and escape this suffering.
#a sock speaks#also a guy from church works there and he saw all of this happening RIP#I hate being clueless about cars and unfortunately this has led me to associate very unpleasant emotions with car maintainence!#I'm so thankful I didn't have to get it towed or something. it could've been so much worse. my tires are fine now.
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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did i mention i'm working seven shifts in a row next week. again. as is one of my coworkers. i need to know who's responsible for this month's roster and what their fucking problem is.
#i'm debating whether to chuck a sickie on one of those days#it'll be fairly obvious i'm bludging. but i'm already exhausted just thinking about it#i had to do seven shifts in a row a couple of months ago and that was unpleasant but i survived. so i know i'm technically capable of it#but that was in a fairly quiet period. whereas lately work has been fucking insane#idk i just do not want to go to work seven days in a row i really don't.
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