#words arent enough to describe what im feeling

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

I did not expect eyeliner jure... like at all.

But... umm... BYE GUYS I CAN'T ANYMORE why is he literally so hot in eyeliner like I never envisioned it before omg I'm having a breakdown yet again

[puppyeared]

who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[dissectedgrrl]

okay. so trans people cant use the bathroom that theyre comfortable with because it makes cis people uncomfortable and feel 'unsafe' but cis people are the ones committing the horrible acts ?? nex died because they wanted to USE THE BATHROOM. are you kidding me ?? oh right but cis people are the victims sorry i forgot !

[sharp-tooths]

Hm i love being so tired that now im sleeping in my dreams and ive JUST has my very first dream in a dream bc my mental heath is just blegh but this is the 2nd night in a row where an unwanted entity has made itself comfy with harassing me in MY own room in my sleep and i know its an unwanted entity bc the fucker is pushing back against my energy shifts so in my dream tonight when i started dreaming i felt it come in and when i tried to make it leave it pushed back HARD and tried to paralyze me in my dream but i got up anyways and when i told someone to get rid of it for me cause im too tired to do it myself this time it let me wake up for real.

I know this is fuckin weird, but i am sensitive to energies, and talkin about it right after it happens helps me. I did accidently start ranting in the tags so i wasnt able to tag this as vent cause i reached the tag limit, srry about that.

Its midnight now anyways, whos gonna read this

[butterflyeffectiveless]

th- thank you

I should draw your ocs in return sometime

@butterflyeffectiveless hi I think your oc is just. Cool. :]

[doodlepede]

its like. i want labels for my mental issues because it's external validation that what im experiencing is actually real and legitimate both medically and socially, and not me being an overdramatic self centered piece of shit.

as well, i want the stability and security of a label, to know exactly what the problem is. This allows me to seek resources like Community and Vocabulary to describe my experience with the confidence that im not somehow appropriating, using words i shouldn't use because technically im not x y z thing. it's a bizarre desire to be disabled Enough to actually Deserve Community and Vocabulary because people will get mad at you for appropriating, even though it means you would probably suffer more. at least you'd be allowed to talk about it at all.

but i also dont want diagnosis because fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. because i shouldnt need one to be taken seriously, i shouldn't need one to use vocabulary that describes my experience, or community to talk about it with.

i feel like a lot of people Say that they support undiagnosed people but don't really mean it. how many people on tumblr get pissy with autistic people who say "nonverbal" instead of "selectively mute" even if the former is more accurate to their experience, just because they arent nonverbal Enough to deserve to use the word? and that's just one singular thing. y'all have absolutely created an environment where it is very very very frightening to not have a diagnosis by encouraging a (so I've seen it called) moral ocd around vocabulary and community as resources one must earn by already having earned them - diagnosis is the barrier of entry.

you have to Be x thing Enough, and there's only one way to prove it

[notjennyfromtheblocked]

Im deliberately sending this off anon so you can see that you arent being 'attacked' by 'Anne', and the fact youre even discussing it that way is ableist as fuck. Im going to start this by making it clear, I have BPD, Im also trans and you will not be knowing my AGAB. You are the asshole in this situation.

We're going to start off simple, you are not an expert on BPD, google and tiktok is full of misinformation and harmful stereotypes about Borderline pplo. BPD is not an 'abusive person' disorder, there is no such thing as a condition that makes you an abusive person. BPD does cause intense, deep emotions that can shift quickly and be hard to control; often this includes having intense feelings for people around them and being scared of losing them/them not being who you thought they were. Because this condition comes from trauma (usually from family/relationships) there are often amplified feelings around abanonment and betrayals of trust especially from ppl you thought were your friends. It is in fact common for some of our nost intense lifelong interests start bc of stupid reasons, but starting bc of a stupid reason doesnt mean the interest isn't genuine. Have you never done something bc your friend wanted you too and you ended it up loving it? Why is it any different bc it was a crush not a friend? BPD doesnt make you a manipulative person, nor does it make you gaslight ppl and seeing as 'anne' has a psychiatric degree Im sure he understands his condition better than you do.

Secondly, 'Anne' is allowed to be trans in whatever way he wants too, she doesnt have to bind, or pack, or change his appearance for anyone. I have a beard, long hair, wear any kind of clothes I want, have tits, have bulge, am hairy and wear a full face of makeup. Some of those things are part of my agab, some of them a part of my transition. And its not a single iota of your goddamn business whether youre friends or not. Gender is a performance and you get to choose the outfit and 'Anne' is deciding what she want his to look like.

Thirdly, you do not seem to understand that part of the reason you very clearly show yourself to be the asshole is the way you speak about others. Describing being an introvert as being more sophisticated or above extroverts is just ridiculous, you are not superior bc you dont go out to parties. I don't either, I find them uncomfortable and loud, but that doesnt make me sophisticated. You talk about 'Mike' as if he cannot be the arbiter of his own interests or relationship, that hes just stupid and couldnt piece it together if 'Anne' was 'faking'. You talk about 'Anne' like she's some master manipulator but you did everything that happened to yourself, you went to the GC and convinced them that something was wrong, you took a group of ppl who didnt know 'Mike' to 'Anne's' house to confront him, you made a callout post about 'Anne' on facebook, you tried to immediately go running to 'Mike' for damage control when your 'intervention' didnt work and you are the person that blasted it all over facebook and now tumblr. And now you are the one losing friends and family, and you deserve it, because the ppl you convinced to attack 'Anne' realised wtf they'd just done and how fucking horrendous that is. You have no evidence of any manipulation, or that 'Anne' is faking, or that 'Mike' isnt happy, you just presented your prejudice. 'Mike' and 'Anne' realise what youve done and they have enough proof to convince a judge or they wouldnt have gotten that restraining order. You are the person behaving manipulative here and everyone can see it except you.

I've tried writing a response to this so many times but I end up deleting it because when I try to explain myself it just sounds like I'm going in circles. There are tons of other asks I've tried answering and rewritten like seven times each before giving up. I've been writing over and over trying to explain like how while yeah technically Mike never told me word for word that he was T4T, when he told me I wasn't his type and then like two days later came out as trans it felt very, very much like he was coming out specifically to let me know that's why I wasn't his type. Or how I was trying to explain how look I know it might be controversial but the constant "main character syndrome" of extroverts just gets on my nerves and is supremely selfish in general and also the truth is you're just GOING to be more intellectual if you spend your free time actually expanding your mind instead of smoking pot and grinding against strangers and how someone like Mike who prefers the same free time activities as I do is just not going to work with someone who would rather party and get wasted than pick up a book, or how Anne is pretending to be trans and I know this because she isn't changing ANYTHING, and I was going to explain that the group chat was full of people she didn't know because it initially was a fandom ship discord from a show she doesn't watch but eventually when I started getting concerned yes it kinda became my "complain about Anne" vent place because nobody there really knew her well enough to go tell her what I was saying and it was a safe place for me to vent and explain why I thought she was abusive and cheating and they would actually listen instead of tell me to knock it off like others, and obviously OBVIOUSLY I thought her and I were close enough as friends she wouldn't mind me using her spare key which she kept under the doormat so it's not like I searched hard. I've written all of that so many times to so many different asks I can't even count and then i just end up deleting it because it feels pointless to even try because I know people will just keep sending asks so why bother so I never wrote it til just now unless I deleted it.

Im gonna be totally fully honest here I woke up and I saw the 99+ notifications in my inbox and I haven't been able to stop shaking because I'm so fucking angry because nobody is on my side, I literally scrolled hoping to find at least one person who was agreeing with me and nobody was and honestly I was so mad I couldn't even see and then I finally found a couple of nice asks and they were signed and I was so excited someone finally agreed with me and when I checked on their blogs they were all fucking terfs. All of the people who were taking my side were fucking terfs. And like I'll be honest with you I have two very close family members who are trans and honestly they've both blocked me recently and even though I tried to contact them they didn't respond and I seriously hate hate HATE terfs because they've been so cruel to my two family members. And I'm so angry. But then I found your ask and at first I was so angry and I tried to reply but I just deleted it because I was getting angry. But then I found more terfs in my ask and then even more hateful anons from non terfs.

But then I kept thinking about how conservatives will literally LITERALLY have Nazis agreeing with them and dig their hills in and in like wtaf how are you not seeing that NAZIS are agreeing with you? But literally the only people agreeing with me are terfs. And honestly that's the last shit I want, I luterally hate terfs. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this is the nicest ask that WASN'T from a terf so I've just. I dunno. I am freaking out because this did not go the way I planned. I knew some people wouldn't agree with me but I thought it would be more split, like some YTA but mostly JAH and NTA. And then when I saw the poll for a hot minute I thought maybe it might veer ESH but obviously that isn't the case. It's just like have you ever really cares about someone, really really cared about someone, and he says oh please don't hug me and pulls away, and then other people hug him so you think I better tell these other people "don't hug him, he doesn't like hugs" and then he says its fine and then starts hugging other people but not you? And you realize at no point did he ever say he didn't like hugging, he just asked you, specifically you, not to hug him? Well imagine that but with Mike, and he stopped wanting to hang out with me and told me not to touch him but whenever I'd remind Anne not to touch him he'd say it was fine and I guess when he came out as trans it was just easier to believe he didn't date cis people than he didn't want to date me. And there were times I thought man I wish I were a trans person so Mike would notice me, and then it seemed like Anne was doing just that because of COURSE it crossed my mind to pretend just for a little while, because if he just gave me a chance he'd realize that we are compatible. Honestly I'm just freaking out because I made this blog a month ago after sent the ask to the aita blog but then it didn't get answered so I started the blog to get all this off my chest. And bam suddenly I was bombarded a month later and it took me a minute to realize the aita hadn't deleted it. Honestly none of this went according to plan and nobody except people I fucking hate want to hear my side. And I dunno. I just don't know. Bur if the only people agreeing me with me all day are terfs then obviously I need to think things through.

[talon-dragonbeast]

i have been feeling more enderman than dragon this past few days, and thanks to that ive been able to collect more information about my species! i want to list it somewhere because there is A Lot. ill share it under the cut :]

of course, not every enderman will feel like i do, or could even have a completely different experience from mine! (i know there arent many enderman on this site and even less that talk about it as extensively as i do, but just in case)

all of these were gathered from a combination of noemata, phantom limbs, instincts and a bit of meditation! none of these are made up, everything i list is true for my experience /gen

so, endermankin things, in no particular order!

endermen are a solitary species, but not territorial. we just ignore eachother, maybe share information and news between individuals from time to time but its not frequent

this can also vary between regions: in the End there is more sense of community, and in the Overworld seeing another enderman is so rare that encounters are appreciated and even enjoyed

in the warped forest, where im from, we are more individualistic. we care for our young communally, but when the enderman reaches maturity they are on their own. sounds cold, but we actually prefer this! we are very introverted :D

endermen have a language! it's a combination of vocalisations, chirps and what i can only describe as vwoops. we can also produce a terrifying static noise when threatened, if its strong enough it can paralyse a human being with fear. our written language is known by humans as the enchanting table language, which we all learn at some point in our lives.

endermen are nomadic! we do have areas that we like to frequent, but we dont enjoy staying in the same place. we love to wander!

as we all know endermen are able to teleport between places, but we're also able to teleport between dimensions! we like to return to our place of birth from time to time, but we love to explore the different dimensions!

im an enderman from the warped forest, that is a region in the Nether dimension. it's the only Nether biome where enderman can spawn! also its just so pretty: it has cyan nylium and red soil, there are giant cyan fungus and there is shiny shroomlight and glowstone!

endermen are very weird mammals. we are poikilothermic (or cold-blooded, in simple words), which means we dont produce body heat and cant control our temperature via sweating or shivering. our ideal environment is the End, because the temperature there always stays in a comfortable room temperature (which is a bit cold to most humans lol), but we are able to survive in the warped forests because theyre the coldest biome of the Nether. our body temperature is very low because we have very slow metabolisms.

food: obviously, endermen native to the End will only eat the chorus fruit, which is very sweet and has all the nutrients the enderman needs. but we can also eat a variety of things, depending on the dimension one stays.

in the warped forest well usually eat fungus and meat, and in the Overworld well just eat whatever! we arent able to drink water because it burns us, but we get all our hydration from food.

endermen eat their food whole, without chewing. if it fits in our mouth (even if we have to unhinge our jaws like a snake), in it goes, but if it doesn't we tear it in pieces with our mouth or claws. we can survive a few days without eating because digestion takes forever.

our skin isnt covered with fur nor scales, but is strong. we dont have many facial muscles because we dont use them for communication, so we can be pretty expressionless. in addition to this, the skin of the face is harder in some parts like the mouth, where our lips form two fangs that we use to tear food apart.

the only weakness of an enderman is eye contact and water. we don't need to be worried about being hit because well just teleport away, but eye contact will lock us in place so it feels incredibly vulnerable to an enderman (also it hurts like hell and we are not able to think properly while it is maintained so yeah. dont.). water is dangerous to us because while it just makes our skin itch at first, it WILL start to hurt if we keep touching it.

our limbs are very very long, both arms and legs. our figure is slim and kind of bony, with little body fat (low metabolism + no body heat = not a lot of need for storing up energy). we are extremely flexible.

our hands are huge and padded, and we have long fingers that end in some pretty sick claws. this is because we need to be able to pick and hold blocks for our mental wellbeing, so to do that comfortably we evolved to have big hands. and also to defend ourselves i guess (but the Blocks are more important)

more anatomy! endermen have big ears and glowing purple eyes, with oval irises and no pupil. we have pretty good hearing and sight (though we dont see the same colours that humans do), but we are very sensitive to light so thats why we dont appear during the day. we dont move our ears a lot (again, no facial muscles), only enough to locate where the sounds come from.

we have tails, these are actually very movable, almost prehensile! they are long and thin, ending with a tuft of hair. we use them for balance (being digitigrade and bipedal means it would be very difficult to not fall over without it!) and for communication! they can even be used to hold things (though its not often, as it doesnt have a huge grip strength)

humans think we dont have emotions, but thats because they arent looking at our tails. we sway them from side to side to signal we are content, a still tail or coiled around ones leg means the enderman is anxious! we like to hold our tails for comfort, and play with them when we are bored.

uhh thats all i think! i will edit the list from time to time to stay up to date with new discoveries. feel free to make questions in the comments or in asks! i love to talk about enderman biology (as you can probably tell lol) so dont be shy. for those that have stayed until the end of this gigantic post, have a chorus fruit as a reward :]

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @rosieathena - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

part one can be found here

Gone - Part Two

Spencer blinked rapidly, his brain feeling life kicked back into it for the first time in two years as he storms into Hotch’s office, barging in without knocking on the door and slamming the piece of paper on his desk. Aaron’s eyes widen as he reads it.

“Where did you-“

Spencer cuts him off. “It was on my desk this morning. You know what day it is, this isnt a coincidence.”

He nods. “We can open the case back up, I’ll inform the team.” Aaron stands to his feet, but Spencer shakes his head.

“No, we cant. Last time we got involved, the unsub went dormant and has only come back 2 years on, when he knows we arent working on the case, when he thinks I’ve given up. He’s taunting me.”

Aaron‘s eyebrows furrow with concern. “What are you suggesting we do?”

Spencer begins to explain. “We have to act like nothing has happened. Im going to keep this note in an evidence bag inside my jacket, but when I walk out of this room we are going to act like we are talking about something completely different. We dont know how much this guy can see, we dont know how he operates, but by sending this letter he’s revealed one thing about himself.”

“And what is that?” Hotch questions.

“He wants to torture me. The first letter was sent to (Y/N)-“ His throat dries up just saying your name, he clears his throat with a cough and continues. “-because he knew that would get my attention, the rest of the letters were then sent to me because he knew I was gripping onto his every word. He wants me to be the only one thinking about this case, he wants to torment me while thinking Im getting no help from any of you. Our best shot at getting more information is to continue to act like nothing has changed, then he might send further clues.” Spencer explains.

Hotch nods. “I understand. This case is completely under your control, I’ll leave it up to you whether you decide to tell the rest of the team about this.”

“Thank you, I’ll tell them as discretely as I can.” Spencer turns to leave, but Aaron has more to say.

“As much as this unsub wants you to feel like this is hopeless, it isnt, Reid. This is a really good sign.”

And for the first time in two years, Spencer cracks a smile. “I know.”

Over the course of the next week, Spencer found ways to inform the team of what was going on. He managed to bring you up in conversation in a way that only one person would recognise. Spencer visited Penelope and he called her adorable, a word that (Y/N) used to describe her every time she saw her. Tears entered Garcia’s eyes and Spencer nodded at her, so she nodded back.

“Adorable, but quiet.” He clarified, and he could see the momentary confusion in her eyes before she made the connection.

“Only quiet when I have to be!” She chirped back, and Spencer knew she’d understood. Something new had happened with you, but she had to keep quiet about it.

“Does the rest of the team know how adorable you are?” He asked, already knowing the answer to his coded question.

“No..?” She said, unsure.

He nodded and smiled. “You should tell them.”

There was no way of telling what the unsub was capable of, whether he was listening or watching, but everyone had to be cautious of what they said. He could tell when the team began finding out through Garcia, because they all gave him knowing, excited smiles.

Sure enough, Spencer’s theory was correct. When he returned from the next case a week later, another note from the unsub was waiting for him on his desk.

“I’ll make sure Juliet knows you’ve given up. She’ll be with me forever.”

That told him you were still alive, he couldnt believe the unsub had willingly given such information out of sheer desperation for Spencer to pay attention to him and give him a reaction. He wanted Spencer to react so that he could go dormant again and torture him further, so Spencer had to act like he wasnt at all excited. He went to Hotch’s office again and showed him the note.

“She’s alive!”

Aaron hugged him and the two man laughed together. The situation was funny in the sense that they were successfully tricking the unsub into giving them more information, but the laugh wasnt one of humour, it was one of relief. Obviously, everyone had hoped that you were alive, but knowing for certain that you were was the best news Spencer could have possibly gotten.

He went to visit Garcia in her office again straight after.

“Guess what else you are Penelope.” Spencer said, accidentally startling her.

“What?” She asked eagerly, knowing he was going to give her another coded message that gave an update on you.

“Adorable...and alive.”

Penelope gasped, standing from her seat and running over to Spencer, who hugged her and hid his beaming smile in her shoulder.

“Thank you.” She replied, acting as though him calling her alive was a compliment, in case anyone was listening.

“I’ll make sure everyone knows.” She whispered to him, too quiet for anything else to pick up what she’d said.

When Spencer came out of the bathroom that day, Derek approached him and pulled him into a headlock that anyone else would have viewed as him messing around with him, but there was so much more meaning behind it. It made Spencer laugh, much like the interaction would have done 2 years ago. It was this hidden sense of things starting to go back to normal, hope restored.

The unsub makes a truly fatal mistake in his next delivery. This time it isnt a letter, but a gift, a small box. Spencer opens it and finds a tape inside. A tape gives a clue to the unsub’s age. Penelope manages to find a tape player for him and he takes it into one of the interrogation rooms. There is no image, it‘s only audio.

“Juuuuuliet, tell him what you want him to know.” The unsub was so desperate for attention that he made no attempt to mask his voice at all.

“You’ve given up.” Spencer chokes upon hearing your voice for the first time in two years. “Im staying here forever. I cant believe you would leave me here.” Your voice was hoarse and you were sniffling, he knows you had been crying.

That was all that was on the tape, so, where is this fatal mistake, I hear you ask? Well, Doctor Spencer Reid is very smart, but the thing is, so are you. At a few intervals in that message, you coughed, and when you did, you whispered things that would be unintelligible to anyone who didnt remember absolutely everything about your voice. And the only person in your life with the memory capacity to recall every single minute detail about your voice, happened to be the one the tape was delivered to.

Notes. That was the first thing you whispered, he knew you were referring to the post-it notes, telling him the man you’d written about seeing was the one who had taken you.

‘15m’ was the next thing you whispered. You likely wouldnt have been able to tell how many miles or metres you had travelled, and the only other value for ‘M’ that was useful in this scenario was minutes. 15 minutes away from your home, you’d counted the minutes it took for you to get to where you are now, and for two years you have held onto that.

Wear, that was the last thing you whispered in a cough, and that was the most difficult one for Spencer to figure out. It took a whole 7 seconds. Were you wearing something in particular? It cant be that. Could you have meant where? But that gives no clue. Ware! As in warehouse! That has to be it!

With no time and nothing to lose, Spencer bolts back to Hotch to fill him in on everything he’s figured out. The team meets at the round table to officially re-open the case, and Penelope starts searching for warehouses in a 15 minute distance from your home. Spencer is beyond frustrated at how quickly Penelope finds where you are, he cant believe that all this time you were held captive by someone foolish enough to only keep you 15 minutes away. But maybe that makes the unsub the opposite of a fool, because even a detail as small as the actual distance between you and Spencer is meant to torture him, knowing that you were so close by all this time is another wound to him. The team pile into separate vehicles, all heading to the same warehouse, and on the way there Spencer begins to overthink. What if you really do think he’s given up? What if you’ve given up on him? What if you dont love him anymo-

Derek nudges Spencer. “Hey, kid, I can see you doubting yourself in your own head just by the look on your face, stop it. She’s gonna have missed you just as much as you’ve missed her.”

The suddenly insecure Spencer looks to his friend for answers. “You really think so?”

Derek smiles. “I know so, she’s always been crazy about you, man.”

This reassures him, and he settles back into his seat with a deep breath, watching the streets blur by as he makes his way to you.

Thanks to the speed they were allowed to drive, the team makes it to the warehouse in under 15 minutes, and they position themselves at different entrances to the building. Derek kicks down the main door and Spencer runs in, gun aimed and ready to fire, but he falters. Because directly in front of him, little more than a few steps away, tied to a chair, is you. Spencer stumbles over to you and collapses to his knees in front of you, pulling you into his arms as you both sob into each other.

“Spencer, Spencer oh my god you’re here, I’ve missed you so much!” You cry, and he’s quick to untie you so that he can hold you again.

“I never stopped looking (Y/N), not even for a second!” Spencer tells you, pulling away enough for you to see his face so that you know he isnt lying, but you can tell he’s not.

“I know, I know! I never stopped believing you’d come and get me.” You reassure him, smiling for the first time in two years, and despite being muddy, bloody, bruised and beaten, Spencer is absolutely certain that you have never looked more beautiful.

An ambulance is called to the scene and you’re assisted onto a stretcher, while Rossi and Derek bring a handcuffed man out of the warehouse. Spencer sees red as he strides over to the middle aged, seedy, stubbly man that held you captive.

“Ah, Spencer Reid, I was wondering when we’d finally meet. How’s my Juliet?”

Spencer is not going to let that smug tone continue to live.

“She is not yours. I’d rather you called her Juliet than her real name, because if you breathed so much as half a syllable of that I would tear you limb from limb.” Spencer seethes.

The monster leans closer. “I ruined her.”

Spencer laughs darkly. “Do you really think that the woman Im in love with would let herself be ruined by some middle-aged, poor-excuse-for-both-a-Romeo-impersonator-and-a-killer, pervert? You underestimated her, and you underestimated me. We won.”

The kidnapper rolls his eyes, but Spencer can tell he’s taken aback. “I wont get much time for this, and once Im out, you’ll rue the day you insulted me!”

“Tell that to the pictures of little girls and boys we found under your bed upstairs! Along with letters about tax evasion, fraud accusations, the list goes on.” JJ calls as she makes her way out of the warehouse with a stack of papers in her hands.

Spencer takes a step closer to the man, towering over him and speaking in a low voice with wrath unmatched. “I dont know what your name is, and frankly, I dont care. You are going to prison for a long time, I will make sure of that. And once you’re in prison, I will find out which one, and I will personally deliver the message to every single one of your inmates that you are a pathetic pedophile low life who thought he could challenge me.”

Spencer turns away from him and starts walking towards the ambulance, but the idiot speaks up again and stops him dead in his tracks.

“She’ll be mine again, Agent Reid, and that’s a promise!”

Spencer is back in front of him in an instant. “I’ll also make sure to inform your inmates that Im the one who broke your nose.”

The scum frowns in confusion. “What?”

And just like that, Spencer’s swift right hook pummels the man’s nose.

“It’s Doctor Reid.” He tells him, voice low.

“For the record, we’ll say that happened when we arrested him.” Rossi says, and Derek nods.

Finally, Spencer runs back to you, sitting at your side in the ambulance as you lie on the stretcher. You smile at the sight of him.

“Hey love.” You greet him

“Hi sweetheart, sorry Im late, I had to break someone’s nose.” Spencer replies, his voice far softer than it had been a few seconds ago.

You chuckle and take ahold of his hand. “Of course you did.”

Spencer’s hands wrap around yours and bring it to his lips so that he can kiss each of your knuckles, so softly you barely feel it, but you do. Placing your hand against his clothed chest, you raise an eyebrow.

“Did you start wearing necklaces while I’ve been gone?”

Spencer’s eyes widen as he realises what you’re referring to. “N-No!”

Your curious expression intensifies as you reach around his neck to tug the chain out from under his shirt. “Then what’s-oh my goodness, Spencer...what’s this?”

In your hand is the engagement ring that Spencer planned to give you, and has been wearing every single day since you were taken.

“I-I was planning to ask before, but then everything got in the way and I was going to ask once I came back from that case, and then you were gone so I kept it because I didnt know what else to do with it and it felt like part of you was with me even though you’d never even seen it let alone worn it but I dont think this is the right moment to ask so maybe if we just-“

“Yes.” You cut him off.

Spencer feels all words escape him, and all he can manage in response is a stuttered, “Wh-Wha?”

You giggle. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Spence.”

Attempting to lean up on your arms to reach him, you hiss and fall back down in pain, but Spencer catches you before you hit the stretcher and lowers himself to capture your lips with his.

You passed out from exhaustion a few moments later, and Spencer sat beside you holding your hand as you slept. She wants to marry me, the words repeat themselves in his head like a mantra, and he finds himself utterly dumbfounded. How he managed to woo a heart as beautiful as yours, he doesnt know. He beamed all the way to the hospital but naturally, the moment you woke up, Spencer was sure he’d misheard you.

“Are you positive you said you would marry me?”

“Yes, Spence.”

“Do you actually want to marry me?”

“Yes, Spence.”

“Are you completely and utterly 100% sure about that?”

“Spence.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

[thatcheeseycandle]

SPOILERS FOR YIAU: IPOS CHP. 38, "6XX66 - Merry Hampton"

——

Hi hello, currently me before posting this looking over the post to add in stuff I couldnt type down, so sorry for the delays on promised posts considering I'm at a hotel with my parents to visit family)

But thankfully by the time I'm posting this, it's the last day before I go home tomorrow so hopefully I can speedrun some projects to throw them here

And ah the the paragraph with a bold font will explain why this reaction was so late

——

//IM IN THE CAR AS OF STARTING THIS, HEADING BACK TO THE HOTEL (CAUSE YEAH I WENT TO ONE WITH MY PARENTS TO VISIT FAMILY), I REBLOGGED THE CHAPTER

ITS HERE OHMYGOAPAHADNAUAHOAH

IM EXPLODING SO MUCH IM HOLDING IN SO MUCH-

AND WE START IT OFF WITH TYDFIL WOOOOOOOOOOOO

AAAAAANDDD I HAD TO FRESHEN UP, OKAY LETS CONTINUE YEAH

Tydfil TYDFIL AH NOO :(

Current me here, insert a bit where I go silent reading and how I dont know how to word my thoughts in this. I remember my feelings being mixed between guilt and anger towards Merfyn 6024

Fuck wait ITS BLACK SMOKE AH NOOOOO SNAP OUT OF IT TYDFIL

"She felt like her boiler was about to up off her frames in fright" HOLY GOD????? CHRIST SOMEONE HELP THE POOR GIRL SHES HAD ENOUGH-

NO TYDFIL NO NO DONT DO THAT TO YOUR BRAKES EVEN MORE NOO

"She wanted her comforting reassuring presence but every time she called out to the old, kind engine there was no answer. Tydfil truly was alone." MY GOD. THIS. AAAAAAMYGOD

NOTYDFIL NO THEY ARENT GONNA BE AFTER YOU NO NO IS ALL OKAY- NO TYDFIL NOOO

OI STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER OR I SWEAR TO GOD

What the

OH.

Ay ay AY HENRY??? HENRY ITS HIM LETS GOOO

This is a very interesting pair up, now Im curious how this goes👀

"This had to be some sort of trick, right? This Henry was tricking her, trying to decieve her like all the rest." nO NOO NO HE ISNT

BUT SHIT SHE ISNT GOKNNA BELIEVE THAT, SHES TRAUMATISED ENOGUH

Yet again, current me before posting this here, I loved this scene between Tydfil and Henry where it's just mainly dialogue (until Tydfil breaks it with her audacity LMAO) its a relaxing sort of scene to read. Especially after the whole adventure that is me and my parents making our way back to the hotel room lol

"What's the point of this?! This is stupid!" tYDFIL LMAOOO TYDFIL YOU NEEDA CALM YOUR SHITE

"Edward speaks highly of you" FUCK YEAAAHHHHH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS ARE TYING EACHOTHER AND ARE USEFUL WOOOOOOO

LOVE IT

"Why would someone try to hurt me if I was a good engine?" GOSH DAMN. DAMN I

THE FIRST SHOT, PREPARING MYSELF

Now that THATS REAL TALK, POSITIVE REAL TALK, APPLAUSE FOR HENRY RQ CAUSE DAMN

And this is another unique dynamic I look forward to seeing in the future, I cant describe the feeling of it but Im getting uncle and niece vibes from them, but either way I LOVE EHM

wHAT THE FUCK

RHION AY ITS RHION ITS HIM

FUCK RIGHT, BLACKSMOKE, YEAH.

"The Black Smoke, or whatever Ms Parsons had done to him had completely and utterly stripped him of any warmth, any hope, any semblance of warmth" Ms Parsons when I catch your arse WHEN I FUCKING CATCH YOU I SWEAR TO GOD

Okay yeah Im gonna appear a lot from the current, this scene, my heart ACHED I tell you ACHED. RHION YOU POOR SOUL (I was speechless in this)

No no RHION HE ISNT YOUR BROTHER ANYMORE

Okay well he never fuckin was

WHAT THE FUCK???? WHAT AND/OR WHO IS THIS

Current me, I dropped my reading device, and I nearly fell off the bed in this

DROP THE FUCKING SHITE WHAT

BUT HES- WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING OONNNN??????????????????????????

NO RHION NOOOOAOAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO BO DONT YOU FUCKING DO THIS NO NOOOOOOOOO

MALLARD I SWEAR TO GOD

WHAT????? WHAT WHAT HUH

NOAOAOAOAOOOOAOAAOAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAOSOAOAOOOOO RHION NAOAOOO FUCK NOOOO

HE CANT BE FUCKING DEAD NO. NO HE CANT PLEAAAAAASSEEE

Summary of that rant to this bit: FUCK YOU 6024 AND MS PARSONS, I WILL BE AFTER YOU I SWEAR TO GOD

Okay OKAY YEAH. LETS GO INTO THE NEXT BIT.

What the fuck- WAIT WAAIAPSHSNAKABDDKHFBDOSHDHDXJ

POLLYPOFLTAJAOSBDLZGCNSIFN

CALM, CALM OKAY CALM.

What the fuck WHAT THE FUCK WHAY FUAOAKAPPAPAOAAOAO WHAT WHAT

WHERE THE FICK IS POLLY???????????????????

Ay AY A\Y AY AY AY ITS THE BOOK THE JOURNAL FIAUAPDJNDIABHDS

ITS THE BOOK OHMYGOD

ITS NORTHS JOURNAL

THIS IS OUR VERSION OF THE GRAVITY FALLS JOURNALS. OH MY GOD.

Norths sealshspa NORTHS SEAL???????????

NORTH AHS A FUCKING SEAL?????????

Now this is a detail I'll be keeping an eye out for if there are more GNJournal entries (or anything that shows North's journal) coming

MERYEGAKAPAUSVZVUKAOSXHDJCJCJCJUUUUJH

MERRY HAMPTON

OKAY WERE HERE

THIS IS HAPPENING

OKAY

TORN?????? RORN

ToahhaISHSKAJ

OKAY YES, RIGHT

I swear if its black smoke, I SWEAR- PRAYING THOSE FEELINGS ARENT THAT. NOT AFTER LAST TIME

"Yet, Olivia had the very distinct feeling that the answers lay within this journal." nO SHIT SHERLOCK OHMYGOAOHA

Necklace NECKLAAIAOAOAAIAHSAO NECKLACE ITS THE NECKLACE ITS THE RAVEN PENDANT IM FUCKING CALLING IT

FUCKWUAYDKAAA MY NINAGS COMIG SHITSHITSHITSHIT

Okay Im on the roof deck, dark mocha latte for the evening, LETS MAKE THIS EVENING BETTER

Ay AY WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS POLLY APOLOGISING WHY ARE YOU APOLOGISING OHMYGOD WHY DID YOU SAY THAT??????

So wait. Let me get this straight before I go bonkers; North doesnt have one journal but many journals for each engine he's most likely revived, and the first GNJournal entry we saw was actually Merry Hampton's journal/record

Thats. THATS ACTUALLY SMART HELLO?? North is upping his game right here, a true researcher!

What the fuck. WAIT. WHAT THW FUCK IS THIS?? THERES A DATE. WAIR WAIR-

IS THIS LIKE HOW EVERY OAGE IS, IT HAS LIKE A "GWR: [], LMS: [], LNER [], SR [], etc" TYPE THING??

Wait, whats with SR here?? Ill be noting that down, thats suspicious

Stanier tried saving him. I

HE TRIED SAVING NORTH, HOLY GOD

So they used black smoke, SO THIS PROVES THAT BLACK SMOKE IS ACKNOWLEDGED TO BE SOMETHING GOOD. LIKE AS IN IT CAN BE USED TO RELIEF PAIN LIKE PAIN KILLERS.

HOLYFUCK STANIER KNEW MORE INTO GOLD DUST??????? HE KNEW????????? FAILED EXPERIMENTS?????????? WHATTHEFUCK DOES THIS MAN KNOW HOLYGOD

OKAY SO, SIR GRESLEY KNEW THEN PASSED IT TO PEPPERCORN THEN WAS PASSED TO STANIER. Im guessing Peppercorn wouldve done it around the time before, during, or after Sir Gresley had passed considering the flashback in Chp. 26 where Sir Gresley and North were talking about the war

Oh shit. So Stanier was dying- HE WAS DYING. FUCK THIS IS THRILLING AND TENSE

THE COTTAGE WAS HIS???????? OKAY SO ITS BASICALLY A STUDENT BECOMING A MENTOR TO KEEP THE CYCLE GOING FOR OTHER STUDENTS TO BECOME A MENTOR, CONTINUING THE LINE OF KNOWLEDGE.

So that confirms one of my smaller theories, Stanier was indeed a mentor to North (that was just a theory out of shits and giggles..)

WOAH SHIT OKAY UH WEEW. LNER ROSE UP REAL FAST.

Oh OH. DAMN.

No fucking way NO WAY HE KNEW ALAN PEGLER??????? Okay well he did know the A1 Trust anyway, so why am I surprised LMAOO BUT I MEAN IT STILL IS HALF A SURPRISE

No NO WHAT WDYM WHATAAA WHAT WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT

WAIT SO, THSI MEANS THAT A CORONATION HAS A REVIVED CONTRUCT. ONE FO THEM.

Golden Circle GOLDENCIRLAGAKAOAAH

SO HE WAS INDEED IN THE GOLDEN CIRCLE.

EughFOCK OKAY THE LNER IS STILL IN FIRST PLACE.. IM WORRIED

WHAT THE FUCK??? WHAT.

WAIT WAIR, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??

Cause look, from what I know, there are a decent amount of Wardens for the LMS around that time period, humans and engines.

It. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE WHAT THE FUCK

"The Black 5 if furious and threatens to crack my skull open." Surprisingly the most normal threat North has recieved so far. Damn.

Wait WAIT. HE ISNT A RUNAWAY??? HES NOT- HES A KICKED OUT MEMBER, IS WHAT IM UNDERSTANDING FROM THIS.

IFUCKINGCAAAAALLEDDDDD IT I CALLED IT OHMYGOD I CALLED IT. SIR GRESLEY STARTED IT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Fuck wait WAIT WHAT. WELL FUCK OKAY THATS VERY BAD. BAD.

"Perhaps that was all it ever was, a dream." GOSH DAAMN. DAMN OKAY

I AM GETTING MORE CONCERNED AS I READ THIS.

Okay a one month timeskip, WHATTHEFUCK

WHAAT. 25?????????????

I

I CAAAALLEDDDD IT I CALLED IT OHMYGOD YEAAAASSSS YES YESSSSSSSSSSS LETS GOOOO

ENGINES SAVED BY WORKMEN BY THEM HIDING SAID ENGINES YEAAAAAAAAASSSS

Rooster. OKAY SO THAT CONFIRMS IT, ROOSTER CAME AFTER NORTH DID. OKAY GOOD. THATS YEAAASSS

J CLASS MENTION WOOOOOOOOO

Wair WAIT WAIT PEPPERCORNS. WAIT SO. WAAAAIT. WAIT WAIT OHMYGOD WAIT

THIS DOESNT CLEARLY CONFIRM IT, BUT IT MIGHT BE HINTING AT HOW KESTREL/KHLOE IS A REVIVED CONSTRUCT RN

But but, it still raises the question, WHAT WERE THEY REVIVED WITH??? WAS IT WITH GOLD DUST OR ARE THEY SILVER SOULS?????????

Wait FIGHT?????? HOLYGOD THERE WAS A WAR. THERE

ANARCHY, OF COURSE IT WOULDVE HAPPENED

So then. Okay SO NORTHS GOAL; SAVE SIBLINGS

I

——

Okay so ah, before I continue this, let me just say this:

The next bits I reacted to were just WIPED OUT by tumblr when I tried saving it yesterday in my drafts, but thankfully Im running on naps, caffiene, and some hours of sleep cause I know I forgot how I reacted and what I did react to (considering this was a first read so yeah)

As of writing this little explanation it's the second day I'll be staying here at this hotel before going home, starting up back the reaction below this paragraph at around 5 am rn (wow I woke up early, not complaining though)

So basically LETS CONTINUE THIS REACTION FROM WHATS BEEN LEFT, RUNNING ON HOPES AND DREAMS EDITION!

——

Oh OH SEPTEMBER 16TH

THATS POLLYS SCRAP DATE ISNT IT??

And IT FUCKING IS LETS GOO

WOOOOOOOOO LETS GO NORTH ANOTHER WIN

I POLLY?? Okay well of course shes doing that, its North, I think we all know she has a reason to be upset at him

Yet again, crossing off another thing that seemed impossible yet was possible, North believing things such as myths and beliefs circulating around an engine.

But then considering he has the logic to not believe in such things without a proper reason, maybe this is actually hinting at something Merry has?? Im guessing its something related to black smoke or some sort of “gold dust technique” (what the fuck am I saying)

BUT either way I still have my suspicions about her soul (both how it is in the present and past times)

Cause for some context, Ive had a theory (for a while) that Merry (or Jacqueline in the present) had black smoke inside her soul for a while in a way where Blue Peter had his black smoke stored, but in a way where it’s the cause of her cruelty as a parent.

But that was a scrapped theory since I had another theory involving Silver souls, her being one of those said silver souls in that theory.

Anywho CONTINUIJG ON LMAO

AND LETS GOOOO NORTHS GONNA SAVE HER YESSSS

But then, it would scrap my Silver Soul theory for Merry considering she hasn’t died, is what Im understanding here

“Rooster was appalled and almost threatened to kick me off his farm, a farm that I finance, I might add.” Now this sentence mADE ME WHEEZE

Ay AY AY WAIT SO SHE ISNT DEAD. OKAY RIGHT YEAH, SHE ISNT DEAD

“Merry Hampton is my sister after all.” DEVELOPMENT PEOPLE, DEVELOPMENT‼️ ‼

OH LOOKY HERE 30TH OF OCTOBER LETS GOO

IFUCKINGCALLEDIT YEEEAAAAAAASSSS YES STANIER DID HELP YEEASSSSS

AND OOH BOY NOT IN THE WAY I EXPECTED.. THIS HAS TURNED A LOT

Wait WAIT CONSTRUCG???? CONSTRUCT??

“Would go insane” and “Vessel for despair” intrigue me, cause that sounds like cold iron sleep-

Well I mean it in a way where the insanity could be where your denial of facing death leads to a spiral of insanity that makes them face it even closer, and how “vessel for despair” could be interpreted as a vessel for black smoke to feed on their despair of facing death

Okay shit I just backread a bit SO MERRY DID INDEED DIE. BUT THE QUESTION IS, WHEN DID SHE DIE???

Waoh WOAH WOAH WOAHAIAOAAHAHA ITS THE SPILLED THING ITS THE SNEAK PEAK OHMHGODOSHAOAA

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

THE FIRST GNJOURNAL IT MAKES SENSE NOW

MERRY AND POLLY WERENT SAVED TOGETHER NO MERRY WAS INDEED SAVED OR WAS ATTEMPTED TO BE SAVED BUT NORTH FUCKED IT UP BY GIVING HER A CRUDE CONSTRUCT AND SO THAT LEAD TO HER HAVING TO BE IDK SENT AWAY FROM HIM??

AAY AY AY LOOK ITS THE OHMFYAO

SIR GRESLEY??????? HARMING HERSELF????????? WHAT?????????

AY WAIT. SO BLACK SMOKE WAS INDEED KNOWN TO BE A PAIN KILLER OF SORTS FOR ENGINES. OKAY NOTED

Coldstreamer. CODLHEAKAPA COLDSTREAMER OHMYGOD

KINGFISHER??????????????????? WAIT SOLARIO??????????

COUNTERPART TO SCOTSMAN- BITCH I THOUGHT MALLARD WAS HIS COUNTERPART OHMYHOD

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SO MALLARD WAS INDEED KNPWN AS A HEALER BUT HIS MEMORIES WERE WIPED OF BEING ONE.

I just fuckin realized, Mallard was just a tool, a tool to relieve pain. When he wasn't a fellow bird enjoyer that is.

Thays. THATS SO DAMN SAD MYGO

If I knew that before reading aGS, it wouldve been even more sadder istg

WHAT THE FUCK. SO THOMPSON TRIED GETTING THOSE MEMORIES BACK BUT HE FUCKED IT UP BY DESTROYING HIS SOUL

ITS LIKE TRYNA GRAB A LITTLE BITE SIZED CANDY OUT FROM A TALL GLASS VASE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOUR GONNA BREAK IT EITHER WAY.

HEAL MERRY HAMPTON’S CONSTRUCT??????????

Oh fuck Pollys not talking to him, shit

“All I have done is prolong her tortured existence.” YOU THINK??????? 

DAMN.

HUNDREDS???????? HUNDREDS. FOR EVERY RAILWAY. COUNT EVERY FUCKING RAILWAY AND MULTIPLY THE NUMBER OF THEM ALL WITH 100 MYGOD

Ay HOLD THE DAMN PHONE

HENDRICK WAS STORED IN A STOREROOM????

WHAT HAPPENED TO MALLARD- OH FUCK RIGHT THE YEAR

MEMORY??????? OHFUCK THEY MEMORY WIPED HER AS WELL.

Wait, black smoke feeds on any negative emotion (from what I understand), and memories can conjure said memories.

From that I can guess that Merry had black smoke used on her when reviving/reforming her into a construct but something went wrong and so CUE THE MUSIC

Woah WOAH WOAH THE LMS WARDENS, FROM THE THING, HOLYGOD

AND WAIT WAIT. SPION KOP OHMYGOD SPION

Wait, back in the server Loraine said that Spion Kop translates to Spy Head in Dutch, so then- OH.

OHIFUCKINGCAAALLEDDDDDITTTT MERRY DID HAVE BLACKSMOKE YEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSS

Pause rq cause JACQUELINE BYRON IS A COOL SOUNDING NAME HOLYGOD

Ay AY OKAY YEAH TIMESKIP TO ONE WEEK LATER LETS GO

I take it back its been five damn years..

Oh something's wrong, yeah NO WAY there isnt anything wrong cause THAT SOUNDS BAD. VERY BAD.

Wait. Marley Vaughan? That sounds familiar sec-

Okay I was wrong, that name doesnt belong to a GDC we know. Noting that down

Woah WOAH WHAT THE FUCK WHAT?? SPION WHAT HAPPENED????

Wait WAIT. OKAY SO- HOW. THE FUCK.

THATS WHAT IM ASKING AS WELL

Wait this would be 14 years before (from what I've conjured/theorised) Olivia was born, so does this mean she has a secret sibling or does she age slowly?? 

Ah FUCK OKAY. POLITICAL CORRUPTUON GEAH LETS DO THIS, LETS NOT GO CAUSE THAT US BAD YEAH.

HE WAS A JUBILEE?????????????????? NO. NO WAY FUCK NO. ALLISON RAY WHYY???????

“Though I do not think it was intentional on Arethusa’s part to give Merry a child” Buckle in, prepare for tough shit cause I SWEAR-

JEREMY PARSONS??????? HEREMYSAJAO JEREMY PARSONS. HOLYSHIT

STEAAAL?????????????????? STEAL. OKAY- FUCK WAIT. I MAY NOT JNOW HOW THIS JEREMY PARSONS IS RELATED TO MS PARSONS (COULD BE HER TWIN??) BUT SHIT THIS IS WHY MS PARSONS WENT FOR NORTH TO GET OLIVIA’S WHISTLE. TO CONTINUE WHATEVER JEREMY PARSONS HAD PLANNED.

HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

WHAT THE FUCK. HES DEAD. MYGOD AND WE DIDNT EVEN KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM OTHER THAN THE INFO THATS BEEN SHARED, SOMEONE GIVE THIS GUY A FUCKING FUNERAL MY GOD

TAKE MERRY????????????? TAKE MERRY. OHMYGOD TAKE MERRY??????

ANCHOR????????? ANCHOR, LADY, CREATOR, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY ON???????

“Never have I seen someone so unhinged.” I couldn't agree more with you North, cause WHAT THE FUCK

BLACK SMOEJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OHMYGODOAOA

OKAY THIS JSUT CLICKED IN MY MIND FOR YOU LOT TO NOTE, EVERYTHING I'M READING THAT COMES AFTER THE MARCH 8TH 1969 ENTRY IS MY FIRST TIME READING THEM.

I AM SHOCKED.

Thank GOD Hamilton and Allison came cause NY GOD THAT. THATS TENSE HOLYSHIT

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS YEAH GET HIS ARSE INTO JAIL RIGHT NOW, SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR DOING SUCH A THING

Wait. What the fuck- WDYM ARETHUSA AND I????? YOU JUST SAID HE WAS DEAD WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??????

IS THIS A GHOST TYPE SITUATION?????

“She is with child and the baby is everything to her now” Jacqueline Byron Vaughan YOU TRAGIC WOMAN

“My curiosity is not higher than that of Merry’s happiness.” I am not strong, THIS SENTENCE RIGHT HERE-

AWWE. THATS JUST HEART WARMING, HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY TO MERRY AND HER SWEET CHILD (I am melting, like Ive said, I AM NOT STRONG)

wHAT THE FUCK. WAIT WAIT- BLACK SMOKE??????? NO FUCK WHAT NO NO NO WHAT.

MADE HER ILL?????????? MEMORIES???????? OH FOR FUCKS SAKE WHEN SOMETHING GRAND HAPPENS IT GOES DOWN HILL (WHY AM I SURPRISED??)

Remarkableblu

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJHVXHQSBJ CBSHVJ HEF HISFBC IM NOT NORMAL

AaaGYXQOHJXLSscBMVFJ  FSINBV SLVFEAIUFWFOWUDWULVVUYCDWTFURVHIVVYK.UUKUG  DQRNB.FWJJBMWF   P 2E

I NEED TO BREAARHE HOLY GOD. 

OLIVIAS MADE OUT OF GOLD DUST AND BLACK SMOKE. THIS IS WHY SHE COULD GO NEAR MALLARD IN AGS, BECAUSE SHE COULDNT BE CONTROLLED BY MALLARD'S BLACK SMOKE CAUSE SHE HAD HER OWN AND IT EXPLAINS HOW SCOTSMAN COULD SURVIVE IN HER BODY IN THE SAME SERIES.

AND THIS COULD CONFIRM HOW SHE HAD A HEART CONDITION, IT WASNT A HEART CONDITION, IT WAS BLACK SMOKE FIGHTING WITH HER GOLD DUST.

OLIVIAS A CONSTRUCT, A HYBRID CONSTRUCT, AND SO HER CHILDREN ARE THE HALF HUMAN AND HALF CONSTRUCT ONES NOT HER

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH YET QUESTIONS MUCH MORE.

[boy-gender]

hey love ur blog! idk if you have anything for this but im questioning my gender rn and i feel like some mix of a guy and agender or nonbinary (so im thinking demiboy maybe) (im afab) but i also kinda sorta feel like a girl sometimes but only like a tiny tiny bit. and only sometimes. and every time i feel like a girl i also feel like a guy at the same time. idk my gender crisis only started like a week ago (i’ve had others in the past but this is my worst so far) so i’m scared i’m faking it or it’s a phase and i just want the aesthetic of being a guy or something. idk totally fine if you don’t wanna answer this cuz ik you’re not an advice blog or anything but i js thought you might be a good place to ask

There's no such thing as faking a gender, unless you are doing it intentionally. If you arent purposely, knowingly, choosing to lie, then it's not fake. Gender is confusing and multifaceted and contradictory and not static. It changes throughout a life, and as quickly as hour to hour. Just because your gender shifts around and you dont always know how to keep track of it doesnt make it fake- it makes it what gender is. A qualia. A subjective experience. There are 8 billion people on this planet, so there are 8 billion unique genders, even if most people tend to use the same handful of words to approximate their feelings.

If demiboy feels like a label that fits you, try it out! You can always change it again later. Maybe youre genderfluid. Maybe youre agender. Maybe youre genderqueer. There is no limit to how many times or how often you can change your understanding of yourself, or how you describe it.

Also, id like to throw this out there, not just for you but also because ive seen many newly trans or questioning people echo this: "im not really trans im fetishizing being trans" is straight up not a thing. Do you see trans people as people? Congrats, you have not dehumanized trans people the way negative fetishization requires. Thinking you want to relabel or explore your gender based on aesthetics is fine! a lot of gender IS aesthetic! Thats not a "lesser" or "wrong" or "shallow" reason. Aesthetics matter to people. Aesthetics influence gender presentation. Anyone accusing you of faking being trans or saying your reasons for calling yourself trans are bad/wrong/not enough? That's a transmedicalist scumbag and you go put their opinion in the garbage and then block them.

I cant tell you what you are. I cannot diagnose you with genders. Only you can tell you who you are, and it's okay to not know, or to change it. I would recommend instead of asking outsiders, ask yourself. Sit with it. Examine it from different angles. Rotate gender in your mind, if you will. What words are you drawn to? What kind of body would you want to have? What aesthetics matter to you? Amongst what groups of peers are you most comfortable, and why? What about gender makes you decidedly uncomfortable? You don't need to know all those answers now or soon or even ever, but they can be places to start.

Ultimately the opinion of anyone who *isnt you* isnt worth jack shit in this regard. You gotta spend some time with it and decide for yourself. And there is no wrong decision; there's only yourself in progress.

[anzynai]

Hello, love your writing! For the tickle letter ask game, mind if I ask for E, H, I, L, Q, and W with Azul? Sorry if that's too many letters!

AHHHH YESSSS I WAS WAITING FOR AN AZUL ONEE thank u so much for sending this <33 hope u like them!

E: Expression | How do they express their wish to tickle/be tickled?

tbh, he wouldn’t necessarily wish to tickle people often, but when he does, he would like,, hesitantly poke them a couple sides to gauge their reaction and get more confident if it’s a positive reaction! it gets really obvious around the third or fourth poke, though LOLL

on the other hand, he would express his wish to be tickled kinda like, idk how to describe it, but kinda provocative? but more in a way to distract himself, like he would give jade and floyd more chores or give them a sudden rest day whatever and ofc theyd know bc it was unusual for azul to be like this. plus, i feel like he would flinch more often when someones close to him (which is adorable!!) so yeah.

H: Habits | As a lee/ler or both, do they have specific habits when it comes to tickling?

i think, not on purpose, but when he’s tickled, sometimes ink comes from his eyes. people get w bit concerned if they arent a mer LOLL but its jusy something that happens (also i love azul ink HELPP this is tbe most random thing ever im sorry) also, he squeezes his eyes super tightly.

as a ler, i think it wpuld be silly if he would accidentally try to use his extra limbs (that he doesn’t have) to tickle you more but then he would falter, which could potentially give u the upperhand if you’re quick enough

I: Interrogation | How well would they handle a tickle interrogation?

GAHHHH i give him three minutes. tops. well, to crack at least. once someone finds a spot that drives him crazy enough, he will start laughing and will not stop. but tellinf u want u want to know.. well, you’ll have to work for it. (just start tickling his death spots and eventually he’ll tell you anything)

L: Laughter | What does their laughter sound like when they are tickled?

ITS REALLY DEEP AND LIKE,,, calculated(?? its him trying not to embarrass himself with his “real” laugh) but thwn it gets squeaky and snorts all around. its usually surprises ppl bc it just seems.. so.. out of character, which is why he’s so embarrassed by it. its super cute though.

Q: Question | Their response to the question ‘are you ticklish’?

his response wpuld be so funny. first, he would look at you, whipping his head around. a blush would appear on his face, but he wpuld try to cover it. afterall, flustered wouldn’t do well for his image. clears his throat out of nervous. “tick—ticklish? of course not! what a strange thing to ask!” then, desperately trying to change the subject (it doesn’t work about half the time).

W: Word | What is their reaction to the t-word? Can they say it out loud or do they get embarrassed?

by the word in general, he’s not. though, he wouldn’t just throw it around but he can say it fine. (unless on the occasion, he’s feeling.. some type of way?) HOWEVER, if it’s regarding his own sensitivity, now that’s a different story. he will say it if he absolutely has to, but not without a bit of a stutter or blush, so yeah, he avoids it at all costs haha

[cosmobrain00]

embarrassingly genuine of me to have this on main but. u ever care for someone so much it’d somehow feel odd to ever put any label or word on it. care or like or love or even adoration doesnt really do bc they never tell the whole story yk? same with anything else really, saying u feel a deep fondness for someone or trying to convey the specific type of warmth u get from them just leaves u sorta gesturing aimlessly n pretty frustrated bc what do u Mean i cant get others to understand that ache in my chest when i think of them thats not even really an ache n. again, u get stuck trying to say this or that n it never cuts it, even if ur the most well spoken person on the planet if u dont find urself suddenly becoming an ineloquent mess ovr trying to describe someone u hold dear in ur heart, r u really doing it right? anyways long ass winded way to say im immensely enjoying my wonderful day out on this v special occasion w my one n only husband rex (“well arent u only engaged?” shove a sock in it u dont get it🙄). gen feeling like the luckiest person on this forsaken rock bc HOW did i get someone as amazing n genuine n perfect as this, aka three words that don't even begin to describe who he actually is because the dictionary is sorely lacking when it comes to this. honestly just someone tht gets me wanting to desperately live out tht fantasy of opening up ur fave person n crawling inside n living right next to their bloody beating heart bc even when ur right beside them its Still not enough. its tht feeling u get when u meet someone n when u get to know them one day ur suddenly hit with the realization of "wow. this was my missing piece all along!!" because i truly feel evryone is born w a person shaped hole in them n life is just one long journey of finding them n finally being able to feel whole at the end of the day. am i being corny w the whole "u complete me" bit? maybe but i think im beyond caring abt that now LMAO. truly something else tht i was able to find my person this early on n im just over here always wondering what the hell i did to deserve someone as lovely n charming as this. watch me pull out a whole list of his good qualities n the paper just keeps unraveling n fills up the entire room im in. n i could do this embarrassing schtick all day baby. i love u when ur gone i love u when ur here i see u in everything no matter what, n truly evry day of misery was worth it bf this since it meant it was all just leading up to meeting u, etc etc. n still none of this rlly even covers it, ive been a writer for years n this whole thing is me realizing u are the one thing that stumps me, someone who ill never be able to put into words properly<3

happy bday ml🫶

[weedsollux]

i just want to write for a bit im jewish on my moms side from slavic heritage and we arent practicing mostly (you are not immune to protestant assimilation) but many of my childhood friends are so i have a lot of love for that culture and community.. going to bat mitzvah as a kid sometimes they would do a ceremony where they explain how they would plant a tree in israel and later visit it in a pilgrimage.. back then i was just a kid i didnt know it was part of something much larger and deeply sinister

and that sentiment is undoubtedly part of a motive to eject all people that natively live in those lands and expand the territory of israel to become a 'holy land' for jewish people only. even though this land is sacred for ALL abrahamic religions. it is already clear that israel is nothing more than an artificially created ethnostate born of peoples racist fear and hatred of the arabic people who are indigenous to this land and believe in the same G.d as the jewish and christian people. it is born from misplaced generational trauma and a fear that expands beyond all reason and compassion and becomes racism and outwards terror that contributes to the extermination of humanity. from a religious standpoint which is not even fully my own, it is unthinkable that the people who are descendants of the original people of jerusalem, of the west bank, who have been forcibly removed from their lives for decades, are being called terrorists, for no reason at all, for having a small, relatively noble resistance. and the coward netanyahu is still spewing the weak, empty lie that his end goal is not the absolute destructiom of gaza even though his entire party is openly declaring this and he has no words against it, and america somehow either pretends to believe or idiotically truly believes it, under the guise of "fighting terrorism" which at this point we all know is code words for killing all arabs. it is a horrible thing to say but i am literally just describing whats happening. it is so transparent how a feeble desperate grasp on one "ally" in the middle east has balooned into an unabashed, hollow support for actual, proven crimes against humanity. i feel no sorrow that america is rapidly losing its credibility in the world. having the most expensive military is already no achievement when millions of people in your own country, disproportionately native people, are living very difficult lives with very little support. and even less so when you are openly contributing weapons of mass destruction to assist other efforts of colonization in the world. manifest destiny has not ended, separation of church and state is a myth, this country has alienated arabs for a long long time and anyone of non protestant faith to an extent. this country was founded based on protestant superiority and we still feel the effects of that to this day. catholics and jews have been slowly accepted because a lot of them are white and are often complicit with the prejudices that enable america to continue bringing about its ulterior motives. i do feel lucky to live here but not because this country is great or "free" only because i am fortunate enough to be spared.. if you for some reason read this whole post thank you and sorry its incoherent. im struggling to even comprehend it at all. check out the #free palestine tag on my blog to see how you can help and make a stand against it no matter how small

[fadingfestivalbatpickle]

Alright, thank u, I'd like to participate in this then 😊

My intials are S.G. and I'm small in height and have red colored hair

And for my recent emojis

😅😊🙈🤗😘

Thank u sm for ur time and energy and please tell me if u need any more information! 🙈

Firey chain of consequences, hardwork, persisitence, perserverance, power and dignity journey, past present future, ride the waves, honesty, stability

What do the cards want to tell you?

The sun peeks through from the cards for you, telling you that a creative leap of faith mixed with practical knowledge and application does pay off. Consult inwards, see that which shines. Look into the dark, see what others dont, you have the potential to change your future. Just use your wand wisely and let it be firmly rooted in the ground. You are firey yet hardworking and practical. You will receive the rewards. Receive honor and dignity. You are protected and guided to move forward. "You will bring honor."

You seem quite powerful to me. Perhaps your victory is more personal, more internal. This could be something that holds incredible meaning for your personal journey.

In the face of adversity, stand tall and strong, like an immovable mountain. You must

Commanding, leadership and action. I feel like my words arent enough to describe the strength and power in this energy. All i can say is, its incredible. You need to let go of the fears and look inward for any questions. "Make a name for yourself." Do not run away from your fears. Do not lose hope and heart when problems arise. This energy is so bright. Stay resilient.

Youre blinding me with your brightness ngl lmaooo im literally so sleepy so its hitting me like BAM❤️

Thank you for your patience

I hope the reading resonated. Please give me feedback!