#word v0mit

[v0mitbeetle]

If youre gonna do the 'ships I hate' bingo don't put that ship in the tags no one cares about your lukewarm dogshit takes we're here to be happy to see our ships

[the-art-ghost]

Uh hi hello you're really cool and I really admire your art style and your character designs is it okay if I make you some Icarus fan art???

I'm sorry for the virtual word v0mit I was actually so nervous just to write this bc your so cool 😭

Of course you can make fan art!

Thank you so much for asking :) I get so giddy whenever I see art that mentions or has my characters, just pure joy in my little Host heart🩵

Host out :3

[marsopadraws]

Hello yes I love Keith and I was wondering is it okay if I make art of Keith with Toby just having a downright silly goofy day/pos ???

Sorry for the virtual word v0mit, I just think you're super duper cool 😭

OFC!!! I would love that! you don't even have to ask 🩷

In fact, I plan to write more about their dynamic because it is worth it, they are very silly. Also im going to make one of those ships template thing (⁠´⁠ε⁠｀⁠ ⁠)

thank you so much too, I'm happy that people like what I do jdkedkd

[sharkpupsblog]

😈 Brand New Person ‼️ PART (2/6) Anne’s grief.

A Dark Riders and Dark Rider! Aideen! GN! Reader fanfic!

my app is still messed up so I’m back to posting on the browser 💀 pls help this is so bad . 😭😭😭 also… do u guys want . The angsty ending … or the REALLY angsty ending… 😳😳😳 I have two planned out sadly they r . Both bad but one isn’t as bad as the other 😭!!! This part is from Anne’s pov and this is the first time I have really written anything with her so it might be ooc??? 💔💔💔 also did the grammar by myself again I think I might be getting better? Idk 😭 english is . Hard . Anyways ty guys for u patience!! Enjoy the silly next part and do let me know if u want the bad ending or the really bad ending ❤️😋

Summary: while Anne thinks and grieves a Dark Rider starts trouble. Warnings: writing about d3ath, memories of someone passing, talks of explosion and d3ath caused by it, and mentions of wanting to v0mit.

Anne was growing anxious. The Dark Riders were giving her and her friends more trouble. They had been showing up more than usual all around Jorvik. No place was safe anymore the Dark Riders were wreaking havoc anywhere they could with no care in the world for the hurt they were causing. They weren’t holding back anymore they were more dangerous than before, and this was worrying Anne. The danger of the Dark Riders worried her, but there was another thing that was making her anxious… Rumors. Anne and her friends were hearing rumors of a new rider on Sands team. No one could provide a description of the rider or their horse, so Linda called it a rumor. She said that the Dark Riders were most likely trying to further scare everyone, so they spread a rumor around to do so. Everyone calmed thanks to Linda’s words, and they ignored the rumor. As Anne tried to think about what to do about the Dark Riders the feeling of worry went away. It was replaced by a deep sadness. You occupied her thoughts now… Ever since your death the team was a bit messy. You always knew what to do always helping with plans, and carrying them out. Anne was a bit lost without you. everyone was lost without your plans and the stability you brought to the team. Your loss deeply impacted everyone specially Anne. The woman felt guilty because she never told you just how much you meant to her. She deeply appreciated your plans and the way you helped bring the team back together again you were a good friend, and she never told you. She wished you were here she really needed you here. Guilt slowly took over Anne’s mind. Before it could finish its takeover on the woman’s brain her phone rang. Anne’s phone buzzed and moved across her vanity as a call flashed across the screen. She picked her phone up answering the call it was from Linda. As soon as Anne answered Linda spoke and she sounded scared. All Anne needed to hear to get moving was Goldenhills, forest, fire and Sabine. She told Linda she would be there soon, and she hung up quickly getting ready to leave home and ride to Goldenhills.

Blondie galloped through Silverglade Manor her ears perking up as she heard “hey!” and “watch out!” as she and Concorde ran through the stables. The mare wasn’t sure why her rider was in such a hurry and neither was the foal. She huffed shaking her head as she ran through the vineyard then down the path to the arena. Was her rider late to a competition at the arena? Is that why she wanted to gallop? Blondie neighed as she passed through the riding hall and the arena confused as to where her rider was going in such a hurry. Concorde had no questions she was happy to run. Soon they were in Goldenhills and the mare stopped terrified when she saw the smoke coming from the forest. Concorde was excited she had no fear she was strong and brave she could put the fire out herself! Anne pat the mare trying to comfort her, so she could ride closer to the forest. The thoroughbred refused to go further, so Anne left her at the care of Jasper. The man was not happy about having to play horse sitter, or to let Anne go into the forest he hoped the girl knew what she was doing. Anne also left a very unhappy Concorde behind with Blondie. The foal was ready to be a hero and save the forest, but her owner didn’t allow it, so she was upset. Anne ran the rest of the way to the forest going as fast as she could. She saw her friends gathered near the entrance of the forest they all looked like they were deep in thought. Their horses were further away all gathered together ready to help. “What happened?!” Anne yelled from where she was making everyone look to her. Lisa spoke “Sabine set fire to the forest!” Anne was still a bit far, so Lisa had to yell. “The rangers are on their way here!” Lisa watched as Anne got closer “and we’re trying to find out if Sabine is still in there!” Anne got to where everyone was when Lisa finished her sentence, and she huffed as she tried to catch her breath. Linda caught Anne up on everything that had happened while Anne tried to catch her breath. She told the leader that before the fire got worse, they managed to get all the animals out, and that the plan was to try and find out if Sabine was still in the forest spreading the fire while they waited for the rangers to come put it out. “I don’t think she’s still in there” Alex looked to the forest “I didn’t see her while getting the animals out.” Anne’s brows furrowed as she thought about what to do “spread out” she said looking at the forest with Alex. “We can find out faster if Sabine is still in there by spreading out” the plan was dangerous, but Anne needed this to be done quickly “stay far from the fire.” She looked to everyone, and it was clear the leader was unsure, but her team pushed away any negative feelings they had about the plan, and they went to look for Sabine. Anne went up the path leading to the broken stone bridge. At the bridge she looked over the edge seeing the forest. She was right above it and from her high point she could see the fire was not as big as she thought. Hopefully, it would stay small, so the rangers could put it out quick. The woman also felt bad for Emma all her jumps were in there she hoped they could be salvaged. As Anne continued looking she realized the fire was following the way the course went. It looked as if it were mapping out the jumps, and she wondered if Sabine was out there doing them.

The idea was silly Anne couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped her. She then felt bad for laughing at the situation so she cleared her throat feeling awkward. Anne realized another thing, the path was perfectly mapped out as if Sabine had gone through it before, but there was no way she had? As Anne tried to think of an explanation, she saw the rangers come into the forest quickly getting to work on putting out the fire. The woman sighed relieved as she watched the fire be put out, she knew she could relax the forest would be okay and the animals were safe. The leader continued to watch as the fire was put out, and as she watched the forest, she could see blurs of color show through the gaps of the golden leaves in the trees. She narrowed her eyes leaning over the edge a bit to see who was riding through… Was it a ranger? More colors followed the others… Black, red and gold. It did not take long for Anne to worry as she realized Sabine had still been in the forest. She looked like she was leaving, so there was nothing to worry about now the Dark Rider wouldn’t cause any more trouble. As the blurs raced through the forest Anne moved to the other side of the bridge ready to see who Sabine was riding with. The leader waited a few seconds, and she saw the first blur come out from under the bridge. A familiar horse slid to a stop shaking their head. The horse turned and Anne could not remember from where she had seen it before. She couldn’t see the face on the rider due to it being covered by their hair. Sabine came riding out of the forest, and Anne could see her speaking, but could not hear what she was saying. The Dark Rider suddenly tensed, and she started looking around. Her eyes eventually landed on Anne on the bridge. The Soul Rider narrowed her eyes at Sabine ready for a fight should Sabine try to start one. The rider with her looked up to where Sabine was looking, and Anne’s expression went from angry to horrified as she finally saw who the other rider was. The woman huffed she wanted to throw up she covered her mouth stepping away from the edge. She sat down leaning against the other side of the bridge as fear hit her. Her heart beating so fast that it felt like it was going to burst out of her chest as the memories of the day you died came flooding into her mind. She could see the explosion clearly, she felt like she was in the valley again. She could see your body on the ice but… You were here. You were on your horse riding with Sabine this had to be a sick joke the Dark Rider was playing. You were dead she saw your body she saw the explosion. She could not deny what she saw that day she couldn’t tell herself that somehow you had lived. She saw you, she saw that you weren’t breathing, she was at your funeral you were dead, and no one could deny it.

Anne needed to move she needed to tell the others about you and Sabine, but she couldn’t move fear was keeping her seated. She felt as if her bones had been locked in place. Her brain was saying ‘go!’, ‘run!’, and ‘get away!’ but even with all of these thoughts she couldn’t move. She could hear a horse coming her way she managed to glance to where the noise was coming from seeing you riding to her. Anne felt her body release… Her brain screamed ‘GO!’ at her making her quickly get up, and run to the other end of the bridge. Time felt as it had slowed down while Anne was panicking, but now that she was up and running it all rushed back to normal. Her heart continued to try and burst out of her chest  adrenaline pushing her to go further. Anne ran faster than she did to get to the forest. She wasn’t sure why she was running from you maybe you were still her friend?  As much as she would like to stop, and ask you she also knew you could be an illusion. Stopping could be a death sentence, and her whole body had a bad feeling about you, so she ran only looking forwards. The Soul Rider could see her friends standing on the other side of the forest. She tried to run faster trying to get to her team the leader wished she had Blondie to get to her friends quicker. She could hear neighs behind her, and she came to a quick stop as a horse rushed in front of her. Your horse blocked her from running further, and you glared down at her. Anne didn’t know what to do she was frozen in place again. Her memories took over her again, but only for a few seconds. She gasped coming out of her memories and back to the current moment thanks to something hitting her chest. The woman fell letting out a huff as she landed on her back, she bit her lip holding back a scream of pain. You kicked her and you kicked her hard wanting to make her fall down, or at least get air knocked out of her lungs. The woman managed to prop herself up on her elbows watching as you dismounted, and walked over to her. She tried to breathe, but her chest hurt it did not allow her to take a breath. “It’s nice to see you again Anne” you smiled at her again, balling your hand up into a fist. Your voice was the same there was no way you were an illusion you were really here alive, and standing in front of her. The Soul Rider had so many questions she would have tried to speak to you she would have asked you ‘why are you doing this!? How are you here?!’ but she was stopped by your fist coming right at her. 

TY FOR READING! ❤️ I wrote more than I thought for this part 😭 on what I use to write it looks like so little but on tumblr its soooo much.

[reveseke]

Some prompts to go off

———&———

If you find a something off of interest, you can include it on a request with the characters !^^

Requests open^

! Pinned post ! <- Master document <- Prompts list

Oh btw, some of these are RP prompts either a list of actions or/and dialogue. So don't be surprised, but i just thought they would be of use in a story imo.

Fluff/domestic/comfort + Romantic

Family(masterlist)

Blanket fort

Sleepy dialogue

Comfort (could count as hurt/comfort)

Compliments

Help theme (could count as angst & hurt/comfort)

Date

Touches

Situations

Dire situations

Comprehensive situtations

Hurt/comfort & angst + light whump

Hurt/comfort (Masterpost)

Hurt/comfort

Hard-to-find hurt/comfort

Bruises & bruising words

Unrequited love

Injury Dialogue

Sickfic

i hate ... Theme

memories/the past

heated argument tw. Foul language, negativity

Crying poss.tw. depression, death

Angst whump

Stand up tw. Gaslighting, abuse/mistreatment

Worried poss.tw. Mental illness, addiction(ED/substance abuse)

Hurt/comfort tw. Blood, injury, v0mit, panic attack

Angst jealousy

where have you been theme

Emotional anger

Don't theme

Loneliness angst

Lightheaded/fainting

Betrayal

Aggressive tw. Violence, cursing

investigation/picking fights

Sentences starters

Hades (supergiant games) pt¹ Olympians

Arcane canon inspired

The mask of zorro

Ocean's 8

Hocus pocus

Snow white and the huntsman

The grey man

New Yokio

Night at the museum

New legend of monkey

Queen of air & darkness; dialogue

Actions

Hard-to-find hurt/comfort

Random acts of service

TV trope

Secret encounters

Bloody ideas

first meeting ideas

Misc, I didn't find a place for them.

Five senses

Confectionery-inspired

Nonsensica

Glee: crack edition

superpower theme

Klaus inspired

Dumb shit my roommate says

Tired tw. Depression, negativity themes present

Misc sentences

"i know you from the news!"

Prompt list link count : 60

[princesssavvage]

Okay, I know this blog is new af. I’m gonna make this my pinned. I was tired of being pixelated so yeah.

A little about me I guess -

I’m a generic 27 yo female. I am married and we do have children. Yes he does know about my blog. Go follow him too if you want! @ghostbloomxo Uh so my hobbies include nothing much because I don’t know who I am yet. Well actually i do work out. I’ve recently lost 75 lbs! And I do like taking horrible nudes and lewds Lmfao. Younger me played a lot of video games.

This is a NSFW blog. If you are under 18, you are not welcome here.

See me uncensored on OF 😌 it’s free 🫢

Kinks - cnc, pegging, cucking, free use, breeding, ddlg, light degrading, cockwarming, knife play, wax play, leaving marks.

Not kinks. Will die - ass slapping/smacking. V0mit. Shit. Spit

Aftercare is a must for me. I accept cuddles, praises, head pats, words of affirmation, lots of kisses, heart to hearts, ect. Or don’t take care of me after you’re done using me like the little slut I am and you’ll experience the saddest baby girl every time you come back to use her. Not fun.

[rose-tinted-ruse]

⛤ mal/malice/malison. i also respond to “prince” or “your highness” (i’m half-joking). nonhuman (loser vampire) host of a diagnosed DID system consisting of primarily introjects. body and host are both 24. blog run by me and used by a few other alters who will each have their own respective tag and are all 21+.

⛤ i don’t do system discourse on this blog and will block you if you try it with me. take that shit elsewhere. however, if you have genuine, good-faith questions about system stuff, feel free to ask as i’m relatively open about it for the most part.

⛤ audhd, disabled, trauma survivor of multiple types. transmasc, nonbinary, gender fluid. aroaceflux. pronouns are he/they/it.

⛤ witch, tarot reader, hellenic pagan. dionysus godspouse. long-time worshiper of apollo, athena, hades, and persephone. other deities are hypnos, thanatos, hecate, and aphrodite. i do hero cult work with achilles and patroclus. i have lots of other deities that hang around me but who i do not work with directly. ask me about my beliefs if you want, but keep in mind that i don’t do pagan discourse or myth literalism. don’t bother. i’ve been doing this for years and i know what i’m talking about.

⛤ unapologetically fat, unapologetically body positive. this does not mean my blog is a safe space for ed blogs. if you post anything even remotely related to any of this, dnf and dni.

⛤ mlm, t4t, nb4nb, sys4sys. sub with some very rare and very specific switchy tendencies. absolute bottom. couldn’t top to save my life.

⛤ this is my only blog. i follow, like, reblog, and message from this blog and this blog exclusively.

⛤ blog contents, limits, and dni under the cut. remember that if you interact with me without reading this post and understanding my limits, you are violating my consent.

⛤ all content is tagged appropriately for blacklisting purposes, and if i forget to tag something, feel free to dm or send me an ask and remind me to tag it. here’s a list of what you’ll mostly find in this blog:

- royalty kink

- hierophilia

- corruption

- teratophilia

- size kink

- bdsm

- worship

- cnc

- somnophilia

- exhibitionism

- breeding

- impregnation fantasy

- piss

- pet play

- free use

- occasional intox or mind control

- occasional forcemasc

- referring to others as titles (daddy, sir, etc) and being referred to with nicknames/pet names (baby, puppy, bunny, etc). these are titles only. ageplay and ddlg/ddlb dynamics make me extremely uncomfortable.

- there may be the occasional random other post thrown in, but 95% of this blog is nsfw.

⛤ limits (i will not block you if you post these things but do not want any of them directed at me):

- sc4t

- v0mit

- feet

- i hate, hate, absolutely fucking hate being referred to as daddy, sir, master, or other similar titles. do not refer to me using these titles.

- for personal reasons, i’m not a fan of calling people mommy. madam, ma’am, and mistress are not necessarily off the table, as long as they are not directed at me.

- feminine nicknames/pet names of any kind. i especially hate the word pr!ncess.

- spanking

- spitting

- gaslighting/manipulation

- i hate the word k!tten. do not refer to me using that term.

- i personally don’t like feederism content. don’t direct it at me.

- lesbians/wlw can follow and interact with my blog, but i would rather they not dm me, reblog my original posts, or send me asks!!

- if you are over 18 you are free to follow and interact with my blog, but i will not engage with you unless you are 21+. this is for my own comfort.

⛤ asks are open. if we are mutuals feel free to send me an ask me any time, although i’m very autistic and may not rly know how to respond. my dms are also open but im terrible at responding to them. if you wanna talk you gotta message me first tho lol sorry

⛤ dnf + dni: m!nors (this means under the age of 18), system discourse, cishet men (cis bi/pan + cis gay dudes are cool as long as you don’t see me as a girl), cishet women (cis bi/pan women ok, again as long as you don’t see me as a girl), men dni blogs, ageless, blank, misgendering, detrans, truscum/transmed, ddlg/ddlb, ageplayers, ed blogs, chasers, inc3st, fauxcest, pro-cop, terfs, maps + nomaps, pro-shippers, racists, race-play, freaks, bigots, or bootlickers of any kind. all of these things will result in an immediate block.

[schizochasm]

Guess who went straight from work to the store to get 2 6 packs?

Yeah...

I got worse.

(cut cause god damn. Even while trying to keep it short, this got kinda long...)

And now I'm doing better. Kinda. I feel like myself again. Even if I'm still gripped by the feelings of everything that's happened to us. I'm me again. And I think I can cope if I force my vibe to be more positive and not think about it.

To explain my fractured view of myself would take too long . It's a whole damn book. It's (probably) a schizophrenia thing. Not A DID thing.

But I wasn't me after that really bad repetitive trigger at work. I was her. The one who endures Most of what He and them do to us.

I retain the feelings somewhat and none of us ever forget what we are and what He is to us.

But I don't have to feel it all the time. I get some distance from it. Thanks to her. (All 3 of the rest of us do.)

I'm home again and drunk on beer.

I don't even care about the kcals.

I needed a break. We needed a break.

She's not been in public for a year. (I think.) And I don't remember much.

But she knew I'd want beer to calm down and hopefully vibe and half-forget about everything. She delivered.

She doesn't drink.

She's 14 ffs.

But she knew that once I came to, and it was getting better, I'd need it.

The last week or so, I suck at keeping track of time, it's been really bad. Triggered baldy every day at least once. And I guess I just couldn't face another trigger, or him being so present.

So she had to take it for me.

It's been so long since she took it for me in public. She hasn't been in public for so long. And she's very self conscious. I'm not anymore, just a bit. I know it scares people if I get too psychotic, and I don't wanna scare people. But she is Very anxious about seeming upset or appearing insane.

I feel bad for her. I hurt for her. She's been through hell. Repeatedly. And she barely ever gets to exist outside of that. (By DID terms, she barely ever fronts outside or it. Outside of taking that pain for us.) And she hurts for me.

She wants me to be happy and forget about it all. But I can't. None of us can ever fully forget.

Rule #1: never forget! (I won't include the full quote cause trigger )

But I live a semi normal life thanks to her.

Even if most people would look at my life and think I'm a failure and a mess. I have a life. And it's all thanks to this fractured identity.

She's been through so much for me...

And she knows how thankful I am that she takes a Lot of it for me. And for us.

She wants me to have a life outside of him and them. Sadly I can't fully. I'm still dealing with a Lot. Ive been through a lit of it too. (More than most will ever even think of as reasonable or survivable. Even though she does most of it.) But thanks to her I can live somewhat of a life even though he's here. Even with everything they put us through.

Anyway...

Sorry for the rant.

I'm drunk and needed Somewhere to pour it out and put it into words.

I hope I'll be okay.

I'll try my best to go from this to good vibes and rest my mind.

Thank you for reading all of this.

If you did, I love you.

Thank you.

And you're a real G.

You clearly care about me.

Thank you for caring.

And I'll try not to go completely schizo on here.

Stay safe. I love you all that read this mess.

Thank you for lending an ear to your friendly neighbourhood schizophrenic.

Peace.

(C0nstant v0mit, if anyone reads this, it would be you. And know that you're my fave mutual. I love your bitch ass. Don't you Dare get termed. You mean a Lot to me. And I care about you. You better stick around, you beautiful disaster. (Figured it'd be safe to put this here since it's a cut and a long post.))

[spid3namy]

— the haunting yearning

ft. haruki rin

tw : 18+ / dark content , dead dove , brief mention of v0mit , self-mutilation , obsession , cannibalism ( unwillingly ) , & unhealthy acts of love

words : 1.3k

notes : uhm, i kinda just wanted to try my hand at more adult content i guess lmao. this kinda was brought up cus of a convo i was having with one my best friend ( jinx ilysm ). i wrote this at like 2 or 3 in the morning so like yeah. viewer discretion is highly advised but otherwise.. enjoy <3

it wasn’t fair. 

why did everything just have to go wrong for haruki? why was life so cruel? 

the only person that really mattered in her life was betrothed to another. well.. they had fallen in love with this other person. the one who wasn’t her. 

why did everything have to be so unfair?! 

love is for fools. a motto she had, from this day forward, decided to live by. love is for the weak. love is for those who have no fucking idea just how fucked up it is. 

every moment the two spent together was just a lie. they had always had this other in mind when being with her. 

they were her everything. but she was merely just.. their second best. 

and maybe that’s why she had found herself here. the blood coming from her body was causing her mind to swirl. she was dizzy; it was hard for her to breathe. 

but it was nothing but a reminder of her love. they would appreciate her now, right? they would understand the reasons for her to do what she did. 

was life really that simple? she wasn’t sure.

all she knew was that.. this was starting to get dangerous. 

dark eyes stare down at the mess made in front of her, a grim smile making its way onto her face. this would show them. would show them just how much she loved them. to prove that she was better than this other. 

she didn’t know when this obsession started but she did know that she couldn’t help it. couldn’t help how obsessed she was with them. 

she had done this before. not to this severity though. not to this degree. if they found out..

no. they would never find out.

the sword drops to the ground with a clank; the sick smile still plastered on her face as she allows her eyes to stay glued to the scene in front of her. it looked like a goddamn murder scene. 

it was sick. it so fucking sick.

the smell alone caused her nose to crinkle up in disgust. it made her acutely aware of the fucked up way she was acting. but she didn’t care.

it was the way to show her love. to make sure they never left her.

she had been alone for so many years. yearning for someone to love her just as much as she loved them. but nobody showed up. 

until now. 

she was completely devoted to them. she worshiped the ground they walked on; she listened to them as if they were her boss. as if she worked for them. but she knew she didn’t. 

though, she wished she did. 

haruki was a knight. a knight in shining armor for them. would do anything for them. and maybe that’s why had done this. had caused such a huge mess here.

there’s this giddy feeling that starts to form in the female’s stomach. one that caused her to want to do this every single day. 

it was this odd adrenaline rush that she felt. 

it sent sparks flying through her body; the giddy feeling was almost too much for her to handle. and before she knew it, her knees were giving out. 

her blooded hands gripped the sink tightly, holding herself up and giggling; she was starting to seem crazy now. if anyone found out, they would have her executed. but she wouldn’t let that happen.

not until she got her true love. 

the sight was grotesque. vile even. enough to make anyone want to spill their meal all over the floor. but this is what she needed to do. 

there’s a small thud that comes from her, her knees slamming against the floor of the bathroom roughly. she was probably going to start bruising soon. but she didn’t care.

she was lucky she was a knight for the royal family or else she would’ve been worried about the loud noises she was making in the bathroom. but she wasn’t worried. she knew nobody would find her here.

dark eyes look at her blooded hands, an almost shallow swallow coming from her. she was a fucking freak, wasn’t she? 

yeah. yeah, she was. 

but she did it for love. did to show just how faithful she was to love of her life! even if they didn’t know it. 

slim fingers are soon pressed onto her tongue, enjoying the metallic taste that filled her taste buds. she mustn't let it go to waste after all. and if her love wasn’t going to have it then she would. 

she would do anything for her love.

“they.. they’ll understand” she murmurs, the sight causing a huge grin to rest on her face.

was she crazy? probably. 

did she care? no. 

how could she? 

her love would be happy. would be excited to see the sight!

she slowly allows herself to stand up, legs shaking and head swimming as she grabs the organ she had just retracted from herself. 

a kidney. 

one she would have cooked up and fed to her love. 

it wasn’t even all that big of a deal. she had another one. she would live. 

she stands in the bathroom for a while, seeing the blood that was everywhere. she needed to clean up; she couldn't let anyone know about her acts. 

and so, she allowed herself a few minutes to clean up all the blood on the floor around the sink along with the blood that rested on her fingers. she would make up some stupid excuse about haven been in the bathroom for as long as she had later on.

now, it was time for her love to see the gift she had gotten for them.

dinner had just been the two of them. she had done it on purpose. she wanted to see the look on their face as they ate her kidney. her act of true love. they looked oh so precious just eating so nonchalantly, not even knowing that they were eating her body. a part of her.

the thought alone made her feel all giddy inside. it was sickening how much this made her happy. yet, she didn’t care. 

didn’t care just how weird it was.

they had enjoyed their meal. had loved it even!

she couldn’t help but fantasize about the way their teeth would feel if they just took a bite of her skin. if that’s what they wanted, she would do it! just for them. would allow them to take her apart and eat her. 

bit by bit. piece by piece.

she was the only who could really love them. she was the only one who understood them. who knew them inside and out. 

she wanted to be the one they thought about all the time. wanted to be the one they were in love with. wanted to have their souls intertwined together. 

but this would do. 

seeing them eat her kidney was enough for her.

just for this time. 

“i will give you my heart to have next if that is what you desire, my love..” 

the look on their face had caused her feel so overwhelmed with love. she could feel just how concerned they had been with her statement. it meant they actually cared about her. the person they were in love with didn’t matter anymore! not when they were so concerned about her.

and maybe.. maybe this was truly her problem. maybe this morbid happiness was the reason they had fallen in love with someone else. but she didn’t know.

nor did she care.

all she cared about and knew about was the sweet look they gave her when she had offered her kidney to them. a gift. one that had now made its way all way down to their stomach. this.. this was what real love felt like.

[v0mitbeetle]

I am being reminded I REALLY gotta make that dst oc discord server

Maybe I'll work on that again this weekend

[dreamofmex]

i stumbled across a post that asked a peculiar question — “could you explain to me what it's like knowing your f/o chose you?”

during my mindless scrolling, this caught me off-guard. my mind blanked for the fraction of a second before i wondered “did he choose me?”

but yes, of course he did. from the moment i stepped into his marvelous world filled with wonders and mysteries my own one could only dream of, he chose me. whilst i always perceive myself as ordinary, he thinks i’m special; brilliant, even. so unlike those he met before. a curious, lively soul trapped inside a vessel that has seen the ugly side of the world time and time again, that is too scared to take a first step, never-mind a second one, that would rather spend all the days that were yet to come inside their comfort zone — because that is easier, less scary.

it's not the reason he stays, but it's the reason he reaches out for me. the way he can hear every fiber of my being begging to see the stars — the way my eyes sparkle with years of unshed burden. at heart, he was curious too; needed to know my story and what i could show him. he couldn't have been able to stop himself even if he had tried, i had conquered his fortress of a heart the moment words spilled pass my lips.

and despite fearing he might drown in my passion, he dives in and tackles every last tidal wave until he can feel our hearts beating as one. because he is certain of one thing: he chooses me and he won't let me go.

knowing this feels bizarre in the most wonderful ways. i thought him so much greater than me, with all he can do and all he has done. yet, here he is, in all his magnificence, with me standing right beside him and shining just as brightly.

[ace-with--a-mace]

one of these days, ima look back at all this and go "holy shit i was a fucked up child and i probably need professional help", but not today though. today is not that day. i will pretend that everything is normal and continue on wirh my day because everything is normal. totally

[burninqgod]

sooo, I have so many saved users and I want to give them away (I actually did a few years back but it well, flopped, bcs I was inactive LMAO). I have some of my saved users receive messages on whether its for trade or not and I would gladly give it for free but they are just so many. I might revise a masterpost of all my saved users that I wish to give away, so yeah. If any body is interested...

[r41d3n-5h0gun]

If you won't mind, I have a request!

Xiao and Venti with gn/nb reader struggling with suicidal thoughts and comforting them through those urges?

You can absolutely decline! I just love them so much and i wonder if they'd hate to see me treat myself this way

I'm not really able to comfort through words, despite relating to that, but I still hope you're gonna be alright. Please try to take care of yourself. I might not know you, but listen. I'm proud of you for still being here. You are strong. Please try to seek a reason for holding on, it will be worth it someday.

TW : suic*dal thoughts, suic*de attempt, attempted overd0se on medication, v0mitting, selfh*rm, bl00d, lack of self worth

Not proofread T-T

Xiao

The snowflakes were falling slowly to the ground that was already covering the ground. A soft breeze of wind carried them around. Watching the scenery outside brought you a moment of peace, even though it didn't lasted for much time.

Yet it didn't stopped the blade hovering over your arm. A wave of disgust overcame you. You didn't understood how your boyfriend didn't ditched you, how he isn't even disgusted by this. He has seen your arms already once, has seen how many scars were placed on your skin. Large and little wounds, in different shapes. Fresh and old ones, on some even still being dried blood.

Xiao had already bandaged your wounds once. His face seemed neutral, yet his golden eyes told you differently. You feared that he would be mad at you, but he wasn't. In his eyes was the worry clear, even if he would never say it out loud. You told him you'll try to stop and you really tried to. But sometimes you just couldn't help it.

You felt how cold the blade was, as you slowly put more pressure on your skin and watched how the blood started to seep out of the wound.

After a few more cuts, the cold was replaced by the warm stinging sensation of your skin around the wounds.

A shiver went down your spine, as your thoughts got the worst of you again. You would love to be near Xiao again, despite him being bad at comforting, you know he will still lend you an ear. He was always so accepting and helped you to ground yourself again, never failing to make you feel secure while being near him. But you didn't wanted to be a burden to him. After all, you know through how much he already goes.

It would be stupid to call out his name because of such a little matter then, right?

No. But you failed to see that. Despite just being a mortal, Xiao still would like to have you around him for more time. He himself thought that it might be selfish, so he didn't told you that. Connections are difficult to stay for longer, you both knew it. The adeptus still watched over you often enough without showing that he's there. He just wanted to make sure that you're save.

Which isn't the case right now.

Your blade hovered above your wrist, so close on the skin over your radial artery. But before you could put more pressure on the spot, the blade was snatched out of your hand. It left a small cut on the tip of your pointer finger, but you didn't minded that. Instead, you looked in shock at the silhouette in front of you.

Xiao.

You saw how he had a steady grip on the blade, it was even too forceful. As you saw the blood dripping down his hand, you noticed that the Yaksha must have injured himself. Because of you.

So you scrambled to get up, trying to hover your hand over his and asking Xiao if he would plesase stop hurting himself while gripping the cold metal with that much force.

His grip softened, but directly afterwards, he left the room. Without saying anything. Without looking at you again.

But what did you expect? That he'll hug you and tell you it's going to be alright? You knew he wouldn't do that. But still, you couldn't help but feel hurt.

Your mind told you, that you deserved this. That Xiao was only pitying you anyways and that he was finally done with that act, but your heart shattered at those thoughts.

You stepped backwards, letting your back hit the wall. Sliding down, you ended up sitting on the ground. Knees pulled up to your chest, as you leaned your arms and head on them, while feeling the tears welling up at the corner of your eyes.

Of course you had to fuck it up again, your mind told you.

What you didn't noticed was, that Xiao had already entered your room again. You flinched, as he carefully placed his calloused hand above your trembling one. He held bandages in his other hand, while looking with an unreadable expression at you.

While he bandaged your cuts he started talking :

" Mortals are fragile, their lives are as well. It doesn't take much to shatter their souls, they break down quickly. But they're also a way too harsh with themselves, which causes them to loose their composure faster than what it usually would be. They fail to notice the importance of life, also how important they are to other persons. So please, try to hold on. And if you might feel like that, call out my name. I told you, I'll always be there for you and this is an really important matter. "

Venti

It was night by now. Venti was sleeping peacefully next to you in the bed. But you, you just couldn't sleep, no matter what you tried. Your thoughts were getting too loud, overthinking things that happened lately. And you couldn't help but think about what you already had in your mind the past few months.

What if you just killed yourself? You wouldn't have to carry the burden of living anymore, wouldn't have to overthink about the past and the future anymore. And most important : you wouldn't be a burden to Venti anymore.

So you decided to get up, quietly searching your medication in the drawer of your bedside table. After finding them, you quickly went into the bathroom.

You looked at the medication that you had put on the sink in front of you. Counting them, you thought they were enough to kill you, if you swallowed them all.

So you took a few of them in your mouth, downing them with the help of a drink. As you laid another few shortly after on your tounge and wanted to swallow them, your body didn't wanted to accept them and a few of them landed on your hand, that you already held in front of your mouth, again.

But you didn't wanted to give up now. Swallowing all of the medication bit by bit, no matter how often you felt like throwing them up again.

You threw the package in the little thrash can in the room, before taking a deep breath.

As you went with unsteady steps to the bed and laid down, you already had a nauseous feeling. Your stomach was grumbling, a weird feeling was building up in you.

Your eyes widened, as a sleepy voice spoke to you.

" Love...? "

Venti needed only a short moment, before he sat up quickly. He didn't understood what was going on, but he instantly saw that you aren't doing well. But before he could ask you what's wrong, you hastily went to the bathroom again. Venti followed you, having seen that you looked so pale, like you were about to throw up.

And he was right.

Venti was holding your hair back (if you have longer hair, if not then don't mind this) and laid his hand on your back, rubbing slightly on the surface of your night wear. It wasn't the most pleasant sight, but he still wanted to be there for you.

You two continued to be in the bathroom for a little while longer, because a few minutes later, you had to vomit once again. But afterwards, you were in the condition to go back to bed. You were still feeling light headed, so you were glad that you had a glass of water on your nightstand. Yes, the taste was disgusting, but it was better than drinking nothing afterwards.

But the actual problem is : How should you explain this to Venti?

Of course, the archon wanted to have answers. But he would never pressure you to talk to him. He'll give you time, but the self doubt in him was still too high. After all, Venti doesn't want to loose another close one to him. Not so early. He knows that a mortal life is short, but that would be a bit too soon.

You were avoiding eye contact. The tension was clearly.

In the corner of your eye, you saw Venti offering a hand to you. After hesitating for a while, you took it lightly in yours. The god tightened his grip a little bit on your hand, not too forceful that it would be unpleasant, but the way you knew he is there for you.

Venti pulled you into a hug afterwards, holding you so close to him. The scent of Cecilias filled your nose, the warmth surrounding you. It was barely noticeable, but he was trembling a little bit. His actions did comfort you, yet you couldn't help but blame yourself for making him so worried.

If you decide to tell him about your thoughts, about what has happened, he will tell you how important you are to him and that he might be the god of freedom, but still doesn't want you to leave. He cherishes so much, he appreciates you so much. You could see that his eyes have become glassy, so you leaned your head on his shoulder and only hugged him tighter.

If you don't want to talk about it, Venti will look even more after you, just to look that you are doing alright. He won't force you to talk, but he will still offer you that he'll always listen to you, no matter what burdens you.

No matter how you feel or how you act, Venti will always love you.

[howaboutcastiel]

Helping You Through, Part 2 (Steven Grant)

Edit: changed the gif, the first one was too sad to match

Summary: It’s been a few hours since you received a dose of your new medication. The side effects are coming in full force, so your beloved Steven Grant decides to take control and take care of you. Part 2 of 3. 

Part 1.

Word Count: 2.8k (rewrite)

Content Warning: v0mit :( I am one dramatic bitch. FLUFF

A/N: When I say that this installment is selfish as fork, I mean it. This fic. Is selfish. As hell. Idc. I’m publishing this bitch.  And listen… I KNOW I said this would be coming immediately after part 1 but like… ya boys got Spanish homework and trauma

Marc had promised you that he would be there when you woke up. He truly intended to keep that promise, too, but he was unable to fight against the full force of Steven Grant barreling his way into the driver’s seat. When Steven was on a mission, there was no stopping him. Marc knew that you couldn’t be mad about that. 

It wasn’t a peaceful awakening by any metric; you were forced into consciousness by the dull, overwhelming pounding in your head. Marc was technically still there the moment that you sat up on the couch, but Steven very quickly took the wheel as you leaned over the trashcan in front of you and began to retch. 

“Oh! Darling—” Steven was right by your side within a second, gingerly placing a hand on your back and tucking your hair behind your ears and out of your face. You hated for him to see you like this; you felt ugly and gross and pathetic and part of you preferred to just suffer alone. Part of you. The other part was eternally grateful that he was here. That all of them were here, right where you needed them.

Steven massaged small circles into your back as you had no choice but to empty your stomach contents into the trashcan before you. You’d had a feeling something like this was going to happen. New medications always put up a fight with your body. You clutched your stomach with one hand and the side of the trashcan with the other, focusing on your breathing. The blanket you had been sleeping on was covered in sweat. The room was too cold, but every piece of fabric touching you felt like open flames on your skin.

“Can I get you some water, love?” Steven’s voice was so gentle in your ears. You knew from his tone, from his body language that he had insisted on coming to the front to take care of you. It was exactly the kind of thing you figured Steven would do; he was a caretaker for Marc and Jake, and so too would he jump at the opportunity to take care of you. It was what he felt he did best. You were inclined to agree, especially right now. 

“I don’t know if I can keep it down.” You answered him with a shaky breath. The cramping in your abdomen knocked the wind from your lungs as you struggled to get your stomach to relax. This wasn’t an uncommon reaction, but you hadn’t experienced it since the last time your dosage went up. 

“Why don’t we try it, okay? I don’t want you getting dehydrated on me now.” He stood up slowly off of the couch, careful not to disturb your weight on the cushions. Steven was very good at helping you out without making you feel pitied. He didn’t pity anyone, as far as you could tell. He just gave out a lot of love. Innocent, unconditional love. He gave a lot of love to you in particular. 

Steven came back to the couch with your favorite mug in hand, no doubt filled with lukewarm water for you to sip on. He also held a bottle of Pepto and an ice pack. So too would he jump at the opportunity to take care of you. He sat the Pepto and frozen pack on the coffee table before guiding the mug into your hands, wrapping your fingers around the ceramic to ensure it wouldn’t drop from your grasp. Such a simple, intimate gesture. It brought a warm feeling into your chest. 

“Here you are, love.” Steven patted the outside of your hands as he let go of the mug, his voice husky and soft as it was barely above a whisper. He leaned in to plant a delicate kiss on your forehead, not wanting to smother you with affection but also unable to control his urge to stay right by your side. You felt him slightly frown into your skin, and he pulled away to meet your eyes with a concerned look. “You’re burning up. Do you feel like you’re running a fever?”

You shrugged.

“The doctor said that could happen. It’s a normal side effect of the meds. I guess I feel kinda cold. And… dazed. I don’t think it's anything to worry about.”

“You say that like I’m not going to worry anyway.” He let out a small chuckle, his eyes turning soft as you sent a pathetic smile his way. Of course Steven was going to worry about you. You were the love of his life. He’d fallen so far head-over-heels for you that you were sure he’d lost his mind somewhere on the way down. You couldn’t stop him from worrying. He would do anything to ensure your wellbeing, and that included over-reacting to a fever. 

There wasn’t much that you could do right now. Your limbs were weak, your head was throbbing, and the slightest movement or stimuli made your stomach churn in an untrustworthy way. Steven watched as you sipped at the water in your mug, struggling to force yourself to even swallow one mouthful. He moved his palm to the top of your back, lightly massaging between your shoulder blades to hopefully bring some comfort to your tense muscles.

“I wish there was more that I could do,” His voice was velvety and gentle, barely above a whisper. “I hate that you’re in so much pain. I just want to make it all go away.”

“You’re doing everything just by being here.” You would have hugged him, but your skin was still on fire and the sweat covering your body made you averse to the idea of holding anything close to you. You settled for cupping his face with one of your hands. “I’ll be okay. This too shall pass, right? Remember, I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

You placed the mug down on the table, abandoning the effort to try to get anything into your body right now. Replacing its spot in your hand, you swiped the cold pack into your grasp and threw it lazily onto the back of your head. Intuitively, Steven fixed it onto the center of your neck, fingers grazing over yours as you let him hold the weight of the ice to your skin. 

He spoke again, this time even more gentle. You weren’t sure that was even possible.

“Love, can I ask you a question?” The pounding in your head was finally calming as your body cooled down. 

“Yeah. Shoot.” You were faced away from him, but you could sense the look of discomfort on his face. He grazed up and down your shoulder with the back of his free hand. 

“How bad is it normally?” Steven hadn’t ever seen you on the day of treatment. This wasn’t the image you wanted him to have in his head. “Do you always get this ill?”

“No, honey,” You reached to grab his hand on your arm. The burning feeling on your skin was beginning to slowly subside. “It’s just the higher dose. Even if I was always this sick, you know that I can deal with it. I can handle this, yeah?”

“You know that’s not what I want to hear, darling.” He tucked your hair behind your ear again. You were struggling to hold yourself up, the pain in your head clouding your senses. “You can’t just hide your struggles from us. The vow’s ‘in sickness and in health,’ you know? I want you to have whatever you need from us.”

“We’re not married.” You smiled as you turned to look at him, your eyes sleepy and undoubtedly red from the irritation in your throat. Just being close to Steven made the symptoms melt away ever-so-slightly. It was like everything negative in the world was terrified to dare exist in his presence. 

“Well not yet. But you know I’m committed.” His face was so soft. So loving. You’d never feel safer in any other pair of arms, even if you couldn’t stand the weight on your skin. You let a weak chuckle escape your lips.

“Don’t even start.” You leaned your head lightly into his chest. As much as you hurt, you craved his strong grip to hold you together. His hesitation was evident as you made contact with his shirt; he didn’t want to grab you too tight, to exasperate the pain you were already in. 

“Why do you pretend that everything's okay?” 

“Because I want it to be.”

“I know it’s more than that, my love. Why don’t you let us help? Let us know when you need the extra care?”

Something about that phrasing was sour in your ears. 

“I don’t need any extra care. I’m not a baby.” He tensed immediately. You shouldn’t have said that. 

“Well, I can baby you if I want to, now can’t I?” He wrapped his arms around you sarcastically, pretending to squeeze you and making you giggle a bit. Steven was being playful, but there was a second layer that was far from joking. He had a knack for loving people who had trouble admitting they needed help. He also had a knack for helping them admit it and for being the one to help where he could. “You look like a little baby to me, right now at least. Can’t even keep down solid food. You might need someone to spoon-feed you.”

“Steven! That’s not funny.” But you were smiling. It was a little bit funny. He led your hand up to where he was holding the ice pack, helping you get a grip on it as he slid his hand away, using both to wrap his arms around you completely. He planted a quick peck on your cheek. 

“I know you’re strong. I know you’re capable of remarkable things, but it’s not weakness to admit you’re in pain and I will say that ‘till my face turns blue.

Now. I’m going to go make you some potato soup. I want you to try and sip on your water some more. And jokes aside, I will force-feed you if you don’t get something in your system soon.”

“Mmm. You won’t have to do that. I love your potato soup.”

“Of course you do. I’m a culinary genius. Now drink your water, you big knob. And you should take something for the fever.”

He shimmied out from behind you, carefully maneuvering to shift your weight as little as possible. Your stomach was still churning and your head was still pounding, but it was much more bearable now. You shed your sweat-soaked overshirt, hoping the cool air might be a catalyst to calming your body. Steven quite poorly attempted to hide his ogling at your torso.

“You want me to bring you a different shirt while I’m up?” He took the wet tee in his hand, swiftly spinning it into a ball with a subtle flick of his wrist. Sometimes you forgot how agile he was, as soft and careful as he always presented himself. 

“Yes, please. And some Tylenol, too, since you insisted I take something.” He disappeared into the bedroom for a couple of seconds, emerging with a small bottle of acetaminophen and his largest v-neck shirt. You clicked on the telly, searching the channels absentmindedly until an old cartoon popped up. 

“I thought you might want something a bit looser.” Steven sat the bottle on the table, holding out the shirt for you to take into your hands. “I can help you put it on.”

“No, that’s okay.” You drew a long, shaky breath. You really were starting to feel better, but it didn’t look like that at all from the outside. To be fair, you could have been halfway to death and you’d still be convinced that you felt better. Steven’s tender love and care had that effect on most people. 

“Are you still feeling too nauseous to eat anything?” You turned your head slightly just so you could see the devoted look on his face. It was pretty clear he was wanting to say something else, but his question served you well to re-evaluate the way your body was feeling. You took a moment to survey your symptoms. 

“I think I can at least get the water down.” There was no resisting the warm little feeling creeping up around your cheeks. He just looked so damn tender as he took in your expression. You started to feel a new wave of energy. “But I also really would like the soup.”

“Coming right up, then.” A gentle hand came up to your cheek. Steven couldn’t resist the urge to touch you; physical affection was the way that he expressed his love. You expected the contact on your skin to burn the way it had when you woke up, but it was surprisingly mild and even a bit comforting. 

“You’re being so good to me.” Now that you could handle slight movement without wanting to pass out or hurl, you tested the waters by leaning further into his touch. He was more than enthusiastic about the reciprocation of affection.

“I wouldn’t dare be doing anything less.”

The idea of letting him help you was starting to ease itself into your mind. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, allowing your partner to give you extra care. If nothing else, it seemed to make him feel better. It gave him a sense of purpose, a reassurance that he was doing everything he could. It was hard to admit to yourself that it was doing you some good as well. 

“Okay. You think you’ll really be able to eat?” He was already behind the counter, rummaging through the pantry for all his ingredients.  

“I’d have to be dead before I refused your cooking, babe.” You shifted your weight to help him get up. A little chuckle left his lips, barely audible and easy to miss if you hadn’t been watching his face. 

“You flatter me.”

“I’m gonna go wash up.” He began chopping potatoes as you stood to head toward your bedroom’s en-suite bath. Steven called out to you right as you opened the bathroom door. 

“Don’t take a shower, yet, though. Dinner will be ready in a flash. Plus, I think we might as well shower together. You might need help, what with your weak limbs and all.”

“Oh, shut up!” A smile flew across your face and the alluring smell of roasted potatoes, onion, and garlic migrated across the apartment as you rinsed your mouth and brushed your hair out of your face. After a few minutes, you returned to the living room where Steven informed you dinner would be ready in a short while. You skipped again through the channels on the TV, landing on a rerun of The Simpsons and turning the volume so that you could hear Steven’s humming over the noise. 

You loved to watch him doing mundane things. It made you feel like you were in a Hallmark movie and all your troubles were magically gone for a couple still moments. Steven made a point of using the potholders you had gotten him, even though they were meant as a gag gift. You were properly invested in each other’s lives, permeating the little moments with traded habits and lingering knickknacks. 

“Nothing to do now but watch the pot boil.” He returned to the couch after another minute or two. This time, you weren’t averse to his touch as he wrapped his arm around your back. You buried your head into his neck. It was more effective than any medicine; Steven’s touch made your discomfort melt away. He was more content with the sound of your breathing than the snide comedic remarks coming from the TV.  

“Thank you for taking care of me.” You savored the few minutes before he would have to return to cooking. A soft chuckle entered your ears and he squeezed your arm as he nuzzled a kiss into your temple. 

“You don’t need to thank me. I’d do anything for you.”

-

-

@rmoonstoner @n1ght5h4d3-24 @magicwithaknife @nervouslaught3r @unavoidabledirewolf @sarcasm-n-insomnia @kbakery @mccn-bcys @gingermous s @dennyreadsfanfic @ave-reed @rosequinn121 1 @thescarletredwitch @gabewerk @avatarofseshat @damreonsgirl l @dragons-are-my-favorite @k8esilver @competentpotato @theconsultingdoctor10 @notsochillnerd @rayrlupin @moony-artemis @nerdory10 @valkyrieace @kezibear143 @ahookedheroespureheart @mt2sssss

[lp-rott3n]

Tea time

Nikolai reflects on his relationship with Dostoevsky and loses his mind in the process, Sigma watches in silence.  

tw !! : mentions of violence, d3ath, k!lling, brief mention of v0mit, implied su!c!dal thoughts + s3lf h@rm, dark elements in general. 

inspired by/spoilers for(?) bsd ch 78

“Dos-kun is quite a remarkable person, don’t you agree?”

Sigma, sat across the table, clumsily fumbles with the ceramic handle of his teacup, his eyes fixed on the rich pool of milk tea that rests within, he does not know what to say, so he says nothing. 

“Indeed, he is remarkable, I’ve never met such a remarkable person after all, a man with a golden heart, you agree, don’t you, Sigma-kun?”

Even though his lips are slightly parted, no words seem to depart his tongue. Oh no, he does not dare to indulge Gogol in the slightest bit. He shifts in his seat, and the man in front of him takes note of the movement, chucking it in some distant corner of his brain. He would dissect it in a future conversation. Dig through the spine and squish his fingers into all the bodily matter and fluids until the carcass of that exact moment is turned inside out and presented for the whole world to gasp at. But he doesn’t dwell on that for too long, that, was saved for later. 

Now, there was something more intimate at hand. Once and for all, Nikolai Gogol was going to announce the deep and touching sentiments he felt for Fyodor. He too, adjusted in his seat, before proceeding to stare at Sigma. 

Sigma, unnerved by the pair of glowing orbs which were picking him apart slowly, intruding his body and invading his mind, finally lets a sigh escape him. 

“The human body is a grotesque and suffocating prison, and human society, the prison keeper. Isn’t that funny, my dear Sigma?” 

“...”

“Ah Sigma, your sense of awareness is so ordinary, I think that’s rather admirable.” 

Admirable?

If Sigma wasn’t being so careful, he most definitely would have snapped, and Gogol, being the condescending prick that he was, would most definitely point out how ordinary that reaction is. There was absolutely no end to it, not unless the tyrant himself declared so. 

“That’s exactly why Dos-kun is remarkable, he understands, no, he really understands.  He truly, from the depths of his soul, understands.”

Sigma hesitantly looks into the very irises he’s been trying to avoid all evening, poor boy just wanted to enjoy a cup of milk tea with sugar glazed cupcakes but life is as cruel and unforgiving as ever. He lets himself be absorbed in the dark, black, never-ending, voids that reside eerily in midst of a sea of white, all this talk of how “remarkable” Dostoevsky is starting to make the swirling slush of liquid accompanied by bits of cupcake crawl its way up his throat, threatening to spill onto the floor underneath him.  He gulps a bit too loudly in an attempt to save himself from further misfortune. 

“Sigma-kun, do you know how to cut yourself off from this endless cycle of misery and suffering, do you know how to break free?” 

Mute, not even a single breath taken. 

“Well, the answer’s in the question itself, c’mon, think about it!”

There’s an underlying hostility in the way Gogol speaks, his tone unwavering and laced with some sort of ulterior motive, something Sigma can’t put his finger on. It almost terrifies him, he just doesn’t get it.

“Boo-hoo, you’re taking to long. Fine, I suppose there’s nothing left to do other than tell you. And tell you I shall. To cut yourself off from this eternal cycle, you have to do just that. Cut. yourself. Gouge out your cochlea and pull out your liver, pluck out all your teeth and slice your tongue. Die! Make a mockery out of your creators as you slit yourself open and pour yourself out at their feet. A big, grand, act of defiance. Screw the government, screw the terrorists, screw the pathetic excuse of a human being you are. Break free and fly, far, far, away from this rotten cage, Sigma-kun, leave this wretched ground and soar through the sky.” 

He was expecting it, he knew this was coming, but even as the words rang in his ears he couldn’t help but be absolutely horrified. His brows, furrowed, and sweat rolling down his neck. He felt hot, yet, a shiver crept into him. Despite wanting to gravely disagree with the (quite literal) clown, he decides to not betray himself.

Gogol’s expression stays the same, a disturbing smile painted across his features and those eyes, those damned eyes, that never once pry away. Internally, he was debating on whether or not he wanted to share an epiphany he recently had, arriving upon the pleasing conclusion that Sigma’s normal-simple-very mediocre brain would be blown away, he continues. 

“I’ll admit it, perhaps I do give Dos-kun a little more credit than he deserves.”

A little?

Sigma wants to laugh, the man Gogol describes as some great cosmic lord is a cunning wolf wandering amongst people wearing the flesh of a man as some kind of robe, strutting through a field of skulls as he descends upon humanity an era of misery, murder and melancholy. He is the embodiment of despair, with a kind look plastered on his face as he coaxes the last remains of sanity out of tortured beings. And yes, he realizes how ordinary it is of him to douse Dostoevsky in such bleak colors. 

The urge to puke has returned, more potent this time round. 

 “But, me being biased towards him is justified, you see, Sigma-kun, he is a friend of mine. And a good one at that, not a single taint can be found in that man’s consciousness. I remember how pleased he was at the fact that I so readily go against the will of God. Isn’t that absolutely ridiculous? I mean, Fyodor is God....” 

“...is what I would’ve said if I were ignorant. But I’m not, I can see the tragedy unfold in his psyche, Sigma, Dos-kun is deliberately sacrificing himself , he’s a saint. No, you listen to me, he’s a saint, you hear me!” 

The sound of hands slamming the table almost knocks the wind out of Sigma, it takes him a second to regain his half-assed, made up composure. 

“Now, I’m not one, a saint I mean, I appreciate Fyodor, I do, but I can never, in a trillion centuries, be him. I have no desire to be so giving knowing it’s all futile. Such a waste of time. And I love him! Tenderly, I do, I love him for he is my friend, Sigma, do you get me?” 

Often, Sigma wonders about the desert he suddenly was stranded in, with no name, no memories, no nothing, just this vague ability that he initially did not understand, he thinks about how as days passed and events occurred, and the bitter and fruitless souvenirs forced labor and constant exploitation brought with it, how much he longed for something, anything, to be his. It is a reminder to humble himself when even a hint of doubt plagues him in regards to joining the Decay Of Angels. Sure, Gogol eating his head away was painful, utterly painful, but if that meant he could keep whatever was his, then he’d happily plant himself in front of this man he despised so much and lend himself for a couple minutes, or hours, or, days? It didn’t matter, as long as he could keep whatever was his. 

“You’re awfully quite today, aren’t you? It doesn’t matter, nothing matters! But, if nothing matters, then, even the eternally adored, ever so elegant, and charming Dos-kun, does not matter.”

Sigma’s eyes widen, this is what it must feel like to get caught smoking behind a church’s building or accidently breaking that untouchable, expensive, age-old Chinese vase which was put on display in the living room.  Even for someone as deranged as Nikolai, this feels forbidden. And he can’t even get himself to imagine how heavy a price one has to pay for even allowing themselves to think  that. 

“I am not a hypocrite.”

Gogol’s fingers briskly intertwine with Sigma’s ash-tinted hair, he twirls a strand around his middle finger and then tucks it, with utmost focus, behind Sigma’s ear. Sigma stays stiff throughout this entire interaction. 

“I am a clown, a magician, an idiot, an incompetent infant wailing and thrashing for his mother, but, I am not a hypocrite.” 

He twists his wrist and withdraws his hand to reveal a bright, crimson rose, which flutters against Sigma’s jaw before disappearing. 

“I find existing to be a disgusting, gut-wrenching, barbaric thing. It’s an absolute abomination, no, it’s blasphemy, that’s what is is. To be chained to this mortal cubicle, to be birthed and killed, and I’ve killed myself, a thousand times, I’ve crushed my skull, slashed my veins, burned myself at the stake, I have died. And still! Here I am before you, here I am going on about my beloved Dos-kun, it is all because the bars we’re held behind are so stubborn.” 

A dramatic pause, to be unnecessarily theatrical. 

“But even stubbornness can be cured, if you do things right. And there’s a way to do things, there are steps and procedures to be followed, and remember Sigma, I am not a hypocrite. I will attain freedom in a way that is correct, I will shed off every single layer of security that has been systematically embedded in me by default, and I will have fun doing so, because I enjoy tearing things apart and setting them free.”

Sigma recounts the first time he met Gogol, he was hanging upside down from the celling, claiming to be “running a test” on how to “break free” from this “endless trap called living”. He had hoped it was all a bunch of crap and that the jester would make an odd face and tell him it was a joke all along.

“I have, and I tell you this with pride, I have successfully shed plenty of layers, I’m like a snake I tell you. Fyodor watched it all, Sigma-kun, he is the sole witness of my great achievements. I love him!”

A sadness can be seen in Gogol’s eyes, followed by a trail of fresh tears that illuminate his cheeks, this is crucial, the way in which Sigma responds to this has the potential to trigger the start of an entirely different discussion. 

Hah, potential. 

But, who is Sigma to interfere? He is merely a speck of dust lucky enough to be inside a slow globe. Nothing matters, wonderful, there is no possible thing he can say or do that would make a difference, why bother, instead he sips on his milk tea, which is now cold, because normal-simple-very mediocre Sigma  normally-simply-very mediocrely forgot about the teacup even though he actively, clumsily fumbled with it throughout the entire duration of this one-way talk. 

Gogol doesn’t bother with wiping away the proof of his woes, instead, he keeps smiling, Sigma wants to scream. 

“And since I love him, since he is surrounded by a halo and I can hear the cries of the deceased atoning for their poor, filthy sins every time I walk by him, since he has so ceremoniously taken my broken, sorrow riddled, infected self and shown me the light. I simply must get rid of him.”

What? 

“Can’t you see, dearest Sigma, that love too, is a collar shabbily draped in the fabric of freedom. I love Dos-kun, and I am going to kill him. I am not a hypocrite, I will not go about in a dog-collar preaching freedom as if I’m enlightened. An illusion does not equal enlightenment.” 

Stunned, Gogol was right, Sigma was blown away. Partly because he had no idea how to process whatever was just thrown at him and partly because as Gogol was speaking he felt a thick, dense fog envelope him. It’s as though all this while he had been in a deep slumber, shaken awake, mercilessly. 

It made no sense. 

He knew he was a pawn that was meant to be discarded sooner or later, he knew the sheer gravity of death and life, he knew and knew and knew, and he was so capable too. And yet, here he was, sitting across the table from Sigma, babbling away about how he is going to kill someone he so obviously cherishes. 

Gogol’s smile grows larger somehow, his calculation was spot on. Sigma’s face is priceless, the innocence, the disbelief, the inability to accept or comprehend what he had just heard.

“I’m going to kill him a thousand times too, I’ll crush his skull. slash his veins, burn him at the stake, he will be dead! I will set myself free from his grip. I will fly.”

What a shame, he has to wrap things up now, gently placing his hands stop Sigma’s.

“Sigma-kun, as a comrade, I request you to assist me in pursuing freedom, true freedom. In return, I’ll make you fly too.”

For the second time that evening, Sigma sighed, and for the first time, muttered a string of words audible enough for Nikolai, and only Nikolai, to catch it. 

His disturbingly large smile, a portrait of his unholy twistedness, and Sigma, returning to the comfortless embrace of silence. 

Tea time has come to an end. 

-------

ngl i am WAITING for this duo to rock everyone’s sh!t in the manga. 

also i am v bad at writing endings, i apologize if it seems kind of rushed. it’s currently 7:47 am and i started working on this at around 4:00 am so like, yes pls excuse the mess