mongoose-writes

[mongoose-writes]

the ache of nostalgia

[mongoose-writes]

why is it so difficult to not borrow grief from the future

[mongoose-writes]

Things I will never tell my mother (1/?)

You save a lot of things, Ma. Aunty’s wilting plants, extra food for Grandma, stray cats. Hell, it’s crazy to watch the way cats in need flock to you like you’re some kind of beacon, like they understand you will take them in and cradle them, put ointment on their open wounds and tell them everything will be alright even through their final moments, as much as it chips at your soul every time.

I believe you to be a saint, as I believe all children with good mothers do. Maybe the Christians got something right with Mother Mary, even if the whole Jesus debacle never really made sense to me. But I worry I have too much of my father in me: a man, that as much as he loves, is a hater at heart as well. He has all this anger and resentment within him, and he is not a mean man, at least never to me, but he is not entirely nice and I worry I’ve inherited the worst parts of him.

I think you saved him because he was a stray, too. You taught him love, but the bitterness is built into his bones; and perhaps if Eve was sculpted from Adam's rib, I was carved from my father's femur. I bite the hand that feeds me. I wonder when you will finally relent and wear gloves.

[mongoose-writes]

I'm not much of a believer in astrology. I have a fondness for the tarot cards when their prophecies suit my intentions like any other fool, but when it comes to us and the stars we share, this I am sure is true - you and I are too similar. What are the chances you'd be born mere hours before me, that we would end up amongst the same walls, same tired desks weighted with years of mindless scribbles? Out of all the places in a vast world of billions of people, you and I meet as parallel beings hovering over the same textbook.

Study this: how it was never meant to be. What rage lies in you lies in me. The churning waters spilling from eyes, the bubbling fears and failures: there is no solution for unbalanced scales except letting go of that weight.

What a blessing it was to understand you better than anyone else because you are me. What a curse it is to know that I could never truly love you because I never learned to love myself, and unfortunately, you are me.

[mongoose-writes]

Dinluke AU excerpt: They meet on Tatooine and reunite years later.

I will know you forever. That's the way Mandalorians say I love you. Din had learned the phrase somewhere between learning how to ask about the weather and how to curse out your enemy, but the gravity of the phrase never really hit him, so painfully cliche. It wasn’t until that time so long ago, when he had been teaching Luke small morsels of Mando’a that the words began to carry weight. Luke had turned to smile at him, preoccupied with tracing mindless patterns on Din’s palm, and commented, “it’s kind of an odd way to say ‘I love you’, but it makes so much sense, doesn’t it?”

It does.

Din knows Luke. Din recognises him in the warmth of the twin suns, in the taste of blue milk custard on one’s tongue, in every handful of earth Luke has ever touched. And he knows that when he dies, the very air that once flowed through his lungs will know his love for this stupid, magnificent man and linger far longer than he could ever comprehend. As long as the universe knows itself, Din will know Luke – long after they turn old and grey with tired bones, and long after their bodies have decayed to ash and stardust.

And perhaps Luke is a little different now; less boisterous, sipping tea instead of chugging caf, but he still drums his fingers on ceramic mugs the same way he always had as a farm boy on Tatooine, so does it really matter? In all the ways Luke has changed, there are as many parts of him that are far too familiar as well, and Din has no willingness to be a hypocrite because he is certain that he too has changed over the years since they last met. 

But isn’t that what love is? To look at somebody who has evolved, who carries so little remnants of the person you knew them to be; like fading ink on yellowing paper, and to say, yes. I know you. And I will always know you. Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum. I will know you forever.

[mongoose-writes]

I kissed a girl today. Wrap me up in a rug and burn my body: it'll be kinder than whatever awaits me when my dad gets home.

[mongoose-writes]

I haven't told you this story: when I was two, my parents got me a pet dog because they had heard it would help children unable to regulate their emotions. And as a two year old, I was so filled with rage, this seemed like a necessary step to ensure I would be more agreeable.

By six I was a perfectionist. I got 90 percent on a spelling test once because I got a word wrong. Chip: the word was chips. I cried a whole afternoon, believing the teacher was at fault because I never made mistakes.

At ten I was a bully. A mean little thing, who made fun of others for reasons I still do not know, do not understand. There are things I will never admit to my mother: this is one of them.

I spent all my childhood as an absolute piece of shit. A selfish daughter, I remember my mum saying ‘so selfish, never thinking of anyone else’ and she would be right. A child of the devil – wrath and envy and pride.

But you, my dear: you were the child that cradled ladybugs from bush to bush. You were the child that offered the other kid half your sandwich when they had nothing for recess. You hugged your siblings and thanked your father for making dinner.

I worry that because I've been this way since the beginning, that this is who I will be at the very end of it all. I was not born with goodness, but learned it because I had to. A perfect bright red waxy apple with a mushy grey core.

And how could a human like you ever love something like me?

[mongoose-writes]

Dinluke farm AU excerpt

Din knows from the first moment he meets Luke that the blond is going to be trouble. It is early in the afternoon, when the sun is at its most unbearable point in the day – the feeling of it has always made Din feel like hiding away under the nearest shade available. It makes him want to lay down and do absolutely nothing except pray for the heat to subside. But he finds himself walking beside Owen to the horse shed. Owen, his new employer – owner of the farm. It is an inevitable chance meeting when they cross paths with Luke.

“Luke, come here,” Owen waves him over, and Luke comes jogging. He is wearing a white tank top tucked into a pair of jeans, shoulders freckled and hair more yellow than the maize surrounding them will be when it finally ripens. “Luke, this is Din – the new farmhand.”

“Hello,” Luke greets and Din returns the favour, shaking his hand. He pretends not to notice the way Luke eyes him up and down, tries not to get himself fired on his very first day for making fuck-me eyes at the owner’s nephew. Luke is still looking at Din when he says, “I’d best be off now, Aunt Beru mentioned she needed some help with the speeder or something. It was nice meeting you, Din.” 

Din looks at the way Luke bats his golden eyelashes at him and knows however things turn out, Luke Skywalker will leave a lasting impression on him. Whether carefully stitched onto his chest with embroidery thread or branded with a hot iron, Luke Skywalker will leave his mark and leave this desolate land of crops and dirt in the dust. Luke Skywalker is destined for something truly remarkable.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Ted Lasso (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Trent Crimm/Ted Lasso Characters: Ted Lasso, Trent Crimm, AFC Richmond Players (Ted Lasso), Rebecca Welton, Keeley Jones, Original Characters, Coach Beard (Ted Lasso) Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Wizard of Oz References, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, A little bit of fluff, i see the ending of s3 and i reject it, Idiots in Love, Parent-Child Relationship, Finding home, who knew ted and dorothy had so much in common? Summary:

Trent realises he’s fucked the moment he reveals to Ted what Nate had done. He destroys his carefully carved reputation built on years of cut-throat journalism for a man with a painfully thick southern twang and a caterpillar in place of facial hair. He stands in the carnage of his career still fanning out the flames and comes to the conclusion – oh shit, I'm in love with Ted Lasso. - Things bloom between Ted and Trent. Trent finds out Ted's plans to leave Richmond.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 3/? Fandom: The Brothers Sun (TV) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Charles Sun/Drowsy Lee Characters: Charles Sun, Drowsy Lee, Eileen "Mama" Sun, June Song - Character, Bruce Sun Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Oblivious Charles Sun, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn, nobody wants to talk about their feelings ever, all the cliche scenarios you can imagine, Other Additional Tags to Be Added Summary:

Charles’ heart beats in his chest. He frowns. “Drowsy? What happened to your hair?” Charles isn’t quite sure why that was the first question he blurted out. It’s not the biggest noticeable difference in the man’s appearance – he’s got a few nicks on his face, mangled scars from burns on his right side creeping up past the collar of his suit. Hell, the man isn’t supposed to be alive. Drowsy Lee smiles, catching Charles’ impulsivity, running a hand through his hair, cropped short at the sides and top only a bit longer. “What? So concerned about my dashing looks? Not going to even ask what I’m doing here, Chairleg?” - Now back in Taiwan, Charles finds out that Drowsy Lee survived the explosion at Ka-Spa. He approaches the Jade Dragons in need of help.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Wednesday (TV 2022) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair, Wednesday Addams & Enid Sinclair Characters: Enid Sinclair, Wednesday Addams, The Addams Family (Addams Family) Additional Tags: Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, no beta we die like men, Aged-Up Character(s), Future Fic, look i know theyre kind of OOC, but this is a very self indulgent one okay Summary:

So, at the end of her final school year, Enid found herself without ties to her family, her friends, or even Wednesday. For the first time, she was truly alone. After all that, Enid had taken off. - or alternatively: A future fic in which Enid runs away from it all, but she doesn't know how or where to stop. Then, she finds Wednesday.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Hannibal (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter, Jack Crawford & Will Graham Characters: Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Jack Crawford Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt, Post-Season/Series 03, i mean like way post the end of s3, i mean like jack is a senior citizen, Character Death, Cannibalism, to be fair is it a hannibal fic without cannibalism?, but cannibalism is used romantically, ...you'll understand it when you read it Summary:

"I don't think you understand, Jack, how much he loved me. And how much I loved him." - After more than twenty years since leaving the FBI, Jack Crawford finally receives word that Will Graham has turned himself in.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Mandalorian (TV), Star Wars - All Media Types Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Din Djarin & Grogu | Baby Yoda Characters: Din Djarin, Grogu | Baby Yoda Additional Tags: Angst, I need to stop writing angst, Set at the end of S2, its sad but youve watched TBOBF so you know things will be okay, Not Beta Read, Character Study, Din Djarin Needs a Hug, Good Parent Din Djarin Summary:

Din doesn’t know what being a parent is. He does not know what that really means or if he is one himself. His parents had left him too early and no surrogates came afterwards – he has so little point of reference in deciding if he is doing things wrong or right. But, when Grogu brightly coos when Din calls his name, he thinks he must be doing some things alright.

or: Din contemplates what it means to be a parent

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Loki (TV 2021) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Loki/Mobius M. Mobius, Loki & Mobius M. Mobius Characters: Loki (Marvel), Mobius M. Mobius Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, just loki having a crisis over being loved, man of few words mobius, Not Beta Read, Set in TVA, maybe im using loki to self project a little, but thats just between you and me, winks, OFFICIALLY set before (and during) supermarket divorce, for the extra spice, and when i say spice i mean pain, cause now there is NO hope, now there is technically no comfort?, i dont know how to tag this anymore, Angst Summary:

Out of all this bafflement, Loki knows this one thing to be true. Mobius can’t love Loki, simply because he deserves far better. So he asks, "how can you look at all of the evil I've unleashed into the world and still convince yourself that I am worthy of love?" - When Mobius says I love you, and Loki doesn't know what to do.

Edit: revised ending! <3

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America (Movies) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers Characters: Steve Rogers Additional Tags: Letters, it was late and i had feels, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, rated T for the single curse word used, Canon Compliant, Captain America: The First Avenger, Warning: Suicide Summary:

"Let's be honest - without the serum, we both knew I'd probably never lived past my 30s. And I had come to terms with that, long before, that I would die before you. It was not a likelihood, but a fact I believed to be true. James Barnes would outlive Steve Rogers. Then you fell off the train."

In 1945, Steve Rogers crashes the Valkyrie into the Arctic. It takes a while for him to fall asleep. While waiting, he writes to Bucky. or alternatively; Steve Rogers' 1000 word love letter to a dead Bucky Barnes.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Victor Nikiforov Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Happy Ending, im projecting my emotions onto this, I Tried, Sad, sometimes you just need a good cry and a hug Summary:

It’s easier to be alone. It’s good. Nobody to see you fall flat on your face, to see you at your worst, because you are Mr Living Legend. Mr Viktor Nikiforov. And Viktor Nikiforov never fails. He never falls apart.

[mongoose-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Victor Nikiforov Additional Tags: Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Canon Compliant Summary:

Viktor loves waking up every morning.

Based on the song Fallin' All in You by Shawn Mendes