#wont delete this it needs to be here

[oceanwavesproteinshakes]

Im gonna update on my sobriety journey exactly the way i never wanted to because i think the accountability will help me. Its the weekend so im taking time to rest my body, taking lots of vitamins and drinking water. Ill try to eat for the first time in days in a couple of hours. I just made a sheet analyzing my cycle of addiction and writing down questions i have, with a timeline of how things developed, ill bring it with me to my next session of therapy, im hoping it will help find out critical points of my cycle to help break it. I have an apointment on thursday at an addiction treatment/counseling office thats local to me and will hit up the AA for the next local appointment i can take on monday. I want to act fast because i know for my type of addiction i have a couple weeks of strong motivation to be sober and then a couple months with no desire too drink at all which also makes me less motivated to stick to sobriety cause Everythings going fine. So im trying to set up a network to support me once i get to that false security stage. Coming to terms with this being addiction is hard, ive been in denial for a good while cause im not a „typical“ alcoholic and often times people my age „like to party/drink“ plus im realizing many of the adults around me are types of addicts that are viewed as less severe or more functional. (My grandpa was an alcoholic like from a book, but my uncle is drunk multiple times a week, almost everyone in my family gets drunk at every party and drinks in the evening to relax tho in „smaller“ amounts, my father was drinking multiple drinks every evening and hiding it before the end of his life and so on and so on) so maybe i have a genetic predisposition too (which would suck pretty hard but wont mean i wont be able do it)

[implied-divinity]

im feeling sappy tonight. shoutout to the baby tboys begging to be forcemasced. one day you will become the man you want to be. within the kink its wonderful when another man grabs you by the shoulders and pushes you headfirst in. its wonderful to share in the joy he felt when he started. in reality know youre afraid. it takes guts to let yourself be who you want. dont take your feelings lightly and let yourself explore. you are not alone but its also up to you. take care. much love.

[mamawasatesttube]

sometimes being an author and searching your own username on twitter to see what people have to say about your fics is a mistake.

[stoopidstapler]

sorry for not postin anythin for almos a year. i have gone insane...

[tommysm0ondust]

as a young trans guy who isn't on any kind of hormones or anything like that, I can't wait for the day I can finally start.

I can't wait for my body to change and slowly become what I want it to be.

I wanna be able to wear feminine clothing without crying.

I wanna have stubble.

I want people to look at me and see me as a boy.

I want to look at myself and truly believe I'm a boy.

I wanna be able to look in my reflection and know that the person I'm looking at is Tommy. This is who I am and who I've always wanted to be.

it's not that I'm upset with how I look now, though, don't take it that way.

I do look pretty masculine.

I still wear crop tops and things more traditionally feminine.

but when I think of myself, Tommy, this isn't who I think of.

I think of whatever I will see when I look in the mirror someday in the future.

sometimes dysphoria can make me so upset, I'll get close to crying, I'll hate the way my body is.

but to get to where you wanna be, you've gotta go through the roads, right?

there's shortcuts that make things seem quicker, but you'll end up getting stopped by a red light later on.

and if you hate the ride there, you won't enjoy getting there in the end. you'll be exhausted and you'll just want to leave again.

but if you enjoy the ride, no matter how long or difficult it is, you'll be happy and ready to enjoy your time there as well.

that's what really keeps me going most of the time.

I can't wait to meet the Tommy I want to be, one day when looking in the mirror.

sorry for the long post, this was written at 3 am.

it probably should have just gone in the notes app but isn't that the same as Tumblr? ......no? shut up.

[natsmagi]

sorry for making yet another textpost but i came across that post saying they dislike transfem natsume because he "canonically hates being perceived as a girl and tries to erase all sorts of memories related to that" and also went on to shame genderbends of him aswell. So, as someone who not only draws genderbends of natsume but is myself someone who is nonbinary and hates being perceived as a woman, i thought id offer my two cents

first of all; i think its important to note that natsume does NOT hate his childhood. in fact, hes quite happy that he had such an unusual upbringing!

what natsume hates is being perceived as weak. thats why he was raised as a girl after all, it was his mother trying to protect him from evil spirits. he doesnt hate the whole "-chan" or "wearing dresses" thing because he has a hatred for womanhood, its because due to his upbringing hes now come to associate those things as being weak. he begs tsumugi to forget about it because that means tsumugi remembers natsume being weak, and natsume thinks tsumugi still referring to him as "natsume-chan" means he still sees natsume as weak. (iirc natsume did however once say that he is a little sad that he doesnt really know how to relate to young boys due to this in poltergeist, but i couldnt find the exact quote. either way that just adds to the complexity of natsumes relationship with his childhood, because while he is happy to be "abnormal" in that sense, it has left him lacking in some areas)

i have to ask though, should this conflict of his not be something we hope he overcomes? should we not want him to develop a healthy relationship with various gender expressions? should we not want natsume to overcome his belief that feminine things = weakness? i want natsume to reach a point where he can wear feminine clothing and not feel like some damsel in distress because of it. i want natsumes character to grow. i want him to develop a positive relationship with his gender because natsume DOES enjoy some more typically feminine things, like baking! he used to bake with his mom when he was little! and i want him to feel like he can indulge in that side of him without feeling insecure.....

i LOVE transmasc natsume, my primary hc for him is transmasc nonbinary after all, but with all these things considered, shouldnt people be allowed to headcanon him however they want? if they hear his story and negative relationship with femininity and how that resonates with them and they themselves are transfem, should they not be allowed to hc him as such too?

which brings me to my next point; my own personal relationship with gender and femininity. i was raised as a girl and i fucking DESPISED womanhood. i hated everything about it. i hated how i felt forced into a box i didnt want to be stuck in, and i hated how it felt like my whole life had already been planned out for me due to societal expectations, aswell as me needing to present a certain way. i was peak "tomboy" growing up, constantly wearing super baggy clothes and wouldnt even brush my hair alot of the time. but despite that i remained miserable. i frankly hated how i looked and would constantly dye my hair vibrant colors in an attempt to make me like myself a little more. it wasnt until i realized "wow, im actually not a girl at all" that i finally let go of believing i needed to look a certain way (and thus, defying it) and started to dress for myself. i started to dress in clothes that made me happy and feel pretty! alot of which leans feminine, but clothes doesnt have a gender, and how you dress doesnt define your gender either, but it can still be a bit scary yknow? especially since i dont want people to think of me as a girl, and drawing a bunch of femstars has really made me learn to love myself more in a funny way. i can put these characters in clothes i think are beautiful, i can explore the more feminine parts of me that i adore but dont want to express in public due to how i want others to perceive me, but it has also warmed me up to femininity even more. because femstars to me feels detached from the expectations of society because its not a real thing!! there are no canon femstars designs!!! i can do literally whatever the hell i want with it and its been so liberating to me!!

all this to say; i think it really sucks seeing the way this fandom treats transfem hcs and explicit genderbends, because like ive said before; they can truly be something so personal. you dont know why that person is drawing what theyre drawing, so its a little unwise to make assumptions based on ........ Well, whatever it may be. i know very well that women dressing the way society expects them to SUCKS, esp if you have personal ties to it, but you have to realize the issue isnt femininity, but misogyny.

[doodlebloo]

Hiii guys.

I've already been out of my mind busy for the past few months, and with midterms happening and my thesis defense soon I may not be super active here for a bit.

As it stands now I'm not leaving this blog. This has been my home for the past few years and I love the story too much to let go. I will assess how I'll talk about Tommy/Phil/Tubbo etc going forwards based on their responses, lack thereof, info on what is and isn't allowed to be said legally, etc.

If you're reading this I love you so so so much. I am at all times overflowing with love for the dsmp/mcyt community and what it's done for me. Some of the happiest moments I've had in my life were because of you all.

Also, if you're rebranding or moving blogs or w/e and we're mutuals I'd love to follow your new account even if we share 0 interests in common now, feel free to lmk where you're headed to (if you want) ❤️

[mutedeclipse]

Hii hii having to realise im too safe on here via blocking a reactionary lmao

Behold gay little bunny suit phantom bomber i made back in may from a madness fit. Goodbye.

[misc-muses]

Not really a vent BUT if yall are ever like Andy shut the fuck up I will not take it as an insult l am a chronic yapper. I will say aye aye captain 🫡

[voidedjuice]

can't tell if im actually unwanted in places or if im just having a weird mental health episode again

[critterchitters-closedcaptions]

trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.

vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍

[tvmblrsillyman]

[dailyrickastley]

That's my emotional support album sir

[wormthe]

i feel like i have to delete my tumblr and never look back, but i dont know if i can!

[stayteezdreams]

Sorry for still not posting. Things are still a bit complicated and rough in my personal life.

xx

[clits-and-clips]

x