#wlspatient

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69 Weeks Post Op - Social Media & Such

I was looking through Facebook at some old pictures yestersday. And I stopped in my tracks...or whatever the equivalent is of stopping in your tracks while browsing through a website...stopped in my clicks???

I was mesmerized by a picture of myself and my friend Laura with deliciously talented and FWINNNNNE performer, Jidenna. 

As I was looking at the picture, all these feelings starting rushing back to me. Feelings that I despised. Feelings of self-hatred. I know it's politically correct to be body positive; and if you feel great in your body, whatever it may be, that is amazing. I did not. I HATED being fat. I didn't push that judgement on others, but I just did not feel comfortable in my own skin. 

With the development off apps like TimeHop and Facebook's On This Day feature, I wonder if people are triggered by old photographs of themselves. Admittedly, for me, it's not seeing the pictures that is most traumatizing. Remembering the way I felt about myself, my emotional state, and the way I was coping with those things is what I find most upsetting. 

Basking in these present feelings of self-acceptance, how does one come to forgive yourself for the upsets of the past when they are seemingly plastered all over the Internet? 

I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm not sure that anyone does. But, I know the one place where the answer is not...at least not for me. Weight loss support groups on social media. Now, admittedly, I'm not one to bite my tongue or mince words, but I try to be polite on social media. Every time I go into a WLS support group, particularly on Facebook (YouTube and Instagram seem to be pretty supportive), someone is riding on their high horse trying to tell other people what is right or wrong. No one gets to tell me what is right or wrong for my body other than a surgeon or doctor...or me. 

I can't deal with that kind of in-fighting. It's immature, and I'm just a little too petty to back down when someone says something that can literally be proven incorrect with logical explanation or research. As I'm sure you may have noticed if you've followed my weight loss journey at all, my posts have become less and less frequent. My WLS Instagram is often ignored. And if I had a camera devoted to making YouTube videos, it would be dusty.  

I never had the option of joining a support group as so many WLS patients are required to. For the first year of my journey, I don't think I needed any support. I was KILLING it. But, staying THAT dedicated to the social media of weight loss has started to seem like more of a chore than something I'm excited to do. Maybe it will come back when the seasons change. I am sitting between 20-30 lbs from goal weight, and I just want to GET THERE! Maybe I should just rededicate myself to the soc med posting if it will get these lbs off! I've stalled for months now and I hate it! 

For comparison purposes from the pic above...but mainly because my friends are cute AF!

[superhayles-blog]

The face of only 2 hours of sleep, a 10 hour work day, and it’s not even close to bedtime. I’m so tired I can’t even put the yummy food to my face. #acidrefluxsucks #gerdproblems #wls #wlspatient #duodenalswitch #womenwholift #momswholift #powerliftingwomen #workoutalreadydone #sotired #momlife #yesterdaysmakeup #isitbedtimeyet

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25 Weeks Post Op - Old Habits Day Hard

Life is always going to be full of distractions. When you're on a journey that is so full of self work, sometimes, those distractions are welcomed. Unfortunately, I feel like lately, I've let the distractions overwhelm my purpose. Distractions like chicken wings...

Distractions like sexy people who look like they should be Tumblr famous got me like... 

Late night DJs and concerts got me like... 

And an old familiar friend has definitely got me like... 

Now it's time to get back on track! At least 4 workouts per week. No alcohol Sunday through Wednesdays. Not too hard...right? Right??? Wish me luck! 

Header photo courtesy of Gaby Av

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2 Week Check in

Its been a bit over 2 weeks! 

I'll get back to more blog content eventually, but for right now, I'm in the videos.  

Thanks to my non-existent editing skills this video messed up hard. It also left out the whole point of my updates...my numbers! As of today, I'm down to 303.8 lbs! YAY!

 Header photo courtesy of 

http://www.marthastewart.com/1003851/shrimp-boil-corn-and-potatoes

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Six...days

SIX REASONS I'M GOING TO MISS BEING FAT

1. Have you ever cuddled me? 

I'm THE BEST cuddler. All this softness. I'm like a cuddle cloud. Am I going to be all hard and sharp now? 

2.  The Truffle Shuffle

Must be jelly cuz jam don't shake! Only a privileged few have gotten to see me lift up my shirt and play with my belly, but when I do, it is glorious. 

3.  Bitch, I'm from Chicago! 

I'm going to miss that insulation. I feel like I'm going to need to wear at least four coats now. I'm always cold as it is. This is going to be terrible. Sorry, Rose. I'm frozen. 

4.  ID, please?  

Fat people have chubby faces, which give you a youthful appearance. I like being carded. I want to be carded forever. I better still be able to serve face, hunty! 

5. Pizza

My obsession with pizza started when my mom and I used to have Friday night pizza parties. We would order pizza, lay a blanket on the living room floor and watch the T.G.I.F lineup. In my college years through...a few months ago, I used to sit down with a medium (sometimes large) pizza and just kill it. I would devour it with such dedication and finesse. Gone are the days of gorging myself on pizza. I will be able to have pizza again, but it won't be like the old days. Rewind: if you don't know what the T.G.I.F lineup was...be older. 

6. Fat people are funny

It is a stereotype that fat people are funny. Chris Farley...funny. Roseanne...contextually funny. Melissa McCarthy...bad movie choices, still funny. Horatio Sanz...one of the most underrated SNL cast members (even though he's skinny now). I still want to be funny! Will I be unfunny now?!?

Header photo courtesy of Zimbio

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IS AIR A CARB?

Yes, that is 2 Mean Girls references in 2 days. I win. This is how I feel right now! All I want is pizza! I went to make my Lean Cuisine Steamers for lunch and there was a box of bagels from Dunkin Donuts just sitting in the cafeteria for anyone to grab. And I thought, you know what? Let me go eat at my desk. Small victory.

I am allowed 100g of carbohydrates per day. Do you know how many grams of carbs are in one slice of bread? 48. Do you know how many are in a bagel? 98. I could get one bagel. But, I could have all the rest of the 1000 calories I get to eat daily in cream cheese. Cream cheese is fine. Because 1 cup of cream cheese only has 9g of carbohydrates. Screw my heart, shrink that liver! If I ever ate that, I think I'd have a heart atttttaccckkkkahhhhhhh. Note, that is what I change the lyrics to every time I hear that song. 

Mentally, I'm fine. I even worked out last night. I went for a 20 minute jog/walk and didn't a few sets of weights and burned 1/2 of the calories that I'd consumed at that time. I'm ok now, but I think it's only a matter of time before I start envisioning people as carbohydrates. Guess who I'm jealous of/is my hero of the week? 

Header photo courtesy of Joya Martin

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I wanna lose 3 lbs

Like my idol, Regina George, I want to lose 3 lbs, but like times 30. Yesterday started my pre-op diet. Things are ok. I don't feel crazy...yet. In case you're not sure of the particulars of the gastric bypass pre-op diet, well it goes a little something like this...

Man, I really wish I'd compiled a 1980s style rap with the details of the bariatric surgery preop diet, but who has the time?  The preop diet varies by wls patient. I thought mine would be a lot more calorie restrictive than it is. The basic idea is DO NOT EAT CARBS.

The purpose of the diet is to reduce the size of the liver to make the surgery easier. The part of the stomach that will be operated on is tucked under the liver. The smaller the liver, the easier it is for the surgeon to throw it across the room. Just kidding. They just move it out of the way. 

 My preop diet example:

BREAKFAST: a 100% weigh protein shake with protein powder, unsweetened almond milk, low fat Greek yogurt, and a splash of sugar-free flavored coffee creamer

SNACK: a cheese stick 

LUNCH: Beef Merlot Atkins frozen meal 

SNACK: sugar-free pudding cup & a side salad

DINNER: 1 cup of chicken chili

SNACK: sugar-free popcicle 

I need to follow the diet  because for the last two weeks I've been chillin' like this koala. I'm going to try to go to the gym today...but we'll see.

I'm doing ok for now...but I'm kinda hoping, for everyone's entertainment, that my mind gets fuzzier so that my posts will get weirder. 

Header photo courtesy of Huffington Post

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When The Party Is Over

I'm here to hang up my party hat. The last 12 years or so have been filled with loud places. I've been in and out of bars and parties trying to find something. Happiness...I guess. I'm not saying I don't genuinely enjoy partying. Eyes closed, head back dancing is the only time I feel completely free of burden. But, at the same time, strolling through bars in hopes of something to fill up emptiness or some sort of high just isn't fun anymore. 

I decided to test the waters last weekend. I went to a BBQ of a friend that I briefly worked with...who makes excellent jerk chicken. The food was delicious. The conversation was fun. But...but. I decided to do all of the things. A bottle of wine, several mixed drinks, too many cigarettes, etc, and the room was spinning. One of my friends said that I just did too many things, but in actually, that used to be just a typical weekend night. Not. any. more. 

Around 2 am or so, the decision was made to move the party to a bar. As too many people loaded into not enough cab space, I knew this wasn't going to end well. I tried to hold my head up as I felt sweat beading around my forehead. Around my nose. Dripping down my ears. Everywhere. I am not normally a big sweater. I rolled down the window and hung my head out to the wind like an excited dog. Unlike a puppy on a car ride, I was just trying to stay conscious. 

We arrived at the bar and I stumbled into the diner next door completely unable to imagine dancing at that moment. I thought, as I sat on the toilet vomiting into a trashcan, this isn't fun. This isn't fun anymore. Was this ever fun? I threw up for hours. At the diner. On the floor. In the cab. Couldn't open the door. Like a damn, gut-wrentching Dr. Seuss book. 

I'm in a different head space now. I still love disco beats and city streets. I still love the glimmer of hope of locking eyes with someone across a dance floor and having a night that seems like fiction writing itself, exciting, spontaneous, and new. I hope to continue to have those moments. But, I won't continue to crave those nights because I'm not enough on my own.   

There used to be a very large part of me that craved doing the opposite of what I'm supposed to do. I used to fight through these moments on bathroom floors. Even when it wasn't that bad, I used to relish moments of hazy indifference with all actions left to circumstance. Now, I deserve more than leaving my life to ambivalent chance.  I owe my body and myself more than that now.  

I guess my only question now is: what the hell else do people do on the weekends? 

Header photo courtesy of Chris Gilmore

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IT'S GETTING REAL!

I have a surgery date! 

I personally think photos of babies in baskets and due day announcements are kind of hilarious, so this is mine. On October 7, 2015, I will get roux en y gastric bypass surgery!

I'm extremely excited. But, also extremely nervous. It's real now! I don't even know how to put my emotions into words. I've told my parents, they seem apprehensive to come up to Chicago and help me, but I know they will. It's not that they don't want to help, I think they are concerned about the complications of surgery. I guess Will Smith was right all along. 

I'm not worried about complications. My surgeon has been really comforting and we had a conversation about the importance of Jason Prestley in pop culture. If that's the sign of a great surgeon, I don't know what is. 

I'm more worried about the liquid and "mashed potato consistency" diet that I will be on for a month after surgery. That's going to be interesting. But, I know I'll make it. I've got my eye on getting the lbs off, getting healthy and fit, and fitting into all the cute clothes I've never been able to fit into...and forgetting that I will be recouperating on my birthday.

That aside, I'm looking forward to the surgery and my future, and nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was is ever gonna bring me down... OOOOOOOAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! 

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8.20.15 - July vs August 2015

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Losses and Gains - Friendships

I'm a few days away from finding out my surgery date and I'm super excited/nervous. One thing I am not, is stressed.  I've had a lot on my plate for the last several weeks. Work, personal life, side projects surrounding work, gym time, and you know, breathing. But I've been sure to spend a good amount of time relaxing.  

The one thing I'm finding difficult is that in trying to be relaxed, I've acquired a great deal of social anxiety. From an early age, I was involved, in everything. Basketball, Girl Scouts, orchestra, band, piano lessons, choir, student council, year book staff... You name it, I did it. From day care through grad school, I was rarely alone and I LOVED it! I love interacting with people and juggling a ton of activities. 

Recently, I've noticed that being around people fills me with tension. Since I've started this journey, working to stay mentally positive has been as much of a goal as eating better and working out. For some reason, being around people has started to mask positive vibes. Maybe it's because the last several years of my life have been soaked in booze with a cloudy side of cigarettes. Maybe as my social crutches are diminishing, so is my tolerance for people I don't know.

I'm not writing this to be like "People suck! Stay away from me". I'm writing because it a foreign and perplexing feeling. I'm still all about one-on-one hangs, small gatherings, and even concerts and events. I guess bars are just too much right now. The whole roller coaster of dressing to impress (which I try to do daily), doing makeup, trying to find a cutie to mack on, the exhausting nature of macking on said cutie, worrying if your room is clean enough to bring the cutie home for some cuds, dodging the person the cutie is currently semi-dating,...it's ALL TOO MUCH! I just want to stay home and watch James St. James' Transformations on repeat. 

I need to practice being more zen and just tuning the noise out but still going out to get turnt with my frans. Kids are still doing that these days, right? We're still turnin' up? 

So, losses: tolerance for bullshit in my social settings. Gains: COLLARBONES*, BITCH! 

*Not my collarbones...obvs. 

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Motivation Mondays

People don't like Mondays. They are probably the most infamous days of the week. However, for the last several months, I've quite enjoyed my Mondays. I use Mondays as the day to set the tone for the rest of the week.

Over the last six months, I've spent countless hours in the gym. One of the major reasons I'm able to work out for usually three-90 minute sessions a week is because of the jams I listen to in the gym. 

I know that not everyone likes the same type of music. I like a wide array of music, but I LOVE electronic beats. I love disco/nu disco! I like anything that I makes me hear a heartbeat. Slow, fast, it really doesn't matter. My coworker says I like a lot of noise. She is wrong. Unless she is talking about the genre "Noise" because sometimes. But she isn't. 

If your taste differs from mine, I'm sorry. But, here are some tunes that get my blood flowing in the gym. I will try my best to make this a weekly blog post and to keep them about an hour long so everyone can get in a good workout! 

Header photo courtesy of Roger

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ARE YOU GOING TO BE THE SAME PERSON?

As I've mentioned before, I am seeing a psychologist throughout this whole situation. The other day, he posed a question of how I feel I will change after weight loss surgery. I told him I'm pretty sure I'll be the same, just healthier. Which I quickly followed up with, "but one can never be sure what they will be like after an influencial experience has happened". He agreed. 

What he was trying to discuss was that I very much identify as "fat". I've told him this before, not like he's making some sort of assumption. When you think of your physical identity, what words come to mind? For me, fat (interchangeably with big) has come to mind as long as I can remember.

Strangely enough, growing up in suburbia allowed me to cast aside my Blackness. There weren't many of us, and maybe it was under the unjudging cloak of childhood, but my classmates never mentioned race...even after those awkward classroom discussions about slavery. My parents raised me in the burbs because they worked to make it out of their neighborhoods. I went to church in a black neighborhood. I have family in black neighborhoods. But my house, school, extracurriculars, and friends were in the burbs. Even if I was at the MLK Jr Day parade in a dashiki, my "accent" wasn't fooling anybody. 100% SUBURBAN. 

As far as my gender presentation, I wasn't into pink and I wasn't into dresses. I often worse Air Jordans with the dresses my mother forced me into. I was into reading and learning, basketball, dance, Girl Scouts, music, drawing, and coloring. In my home, developing interests was not defined by one's biological sex. I suppose I never felt overly feminine as a kid, but for the most part, I really wasn't overtly girly. I think to be treated "girly" is to be treated dainty and small, and I've never been either of those things. 

As an adult, I'm learning to navigate what it means to identify as queer in terms of both my sexuality, a community member, and in terms of my personal appearance/aesthetic. We don't have to get into the politics of that term here, but just know I don't use or view that word as a derogatory term.  Also, not to say that queer people look a certain way, but I will say I see my fair share of asymmetrical and/or unruly hair cuts, piercings, tattoos, and impeccable/indifferent to trendiness clothing style! 😘

Only two identifiers that I've held closely remain: tall and fat.  Yes, I'm tall. I'm tall as hell. I only know that because I have to interact with short people in the world who feel the need to tell me how tall I am. I was taller than my first grade teacher. I grew taller than my mom in 5th grade. And as of this past Christmas, I have surpassed my dad in height. I use the motto "6'1 and chubby fun" for myself a lot. But what happens when the second part of that statement is potentially no longer relevant? 

Big Nik, one of many nicknames I've had in my life, isn't only a nickname. My stature IS who I am. Yes, I'll still be TALL Niki. But, personally, I find there's a warm, friendly, fun-filled expectation to being an overweight person. Maybe it's that I feel safe. I don't know. Right now, one of the many things swimming around my head is what it will be like for this physical identifier to potentially be gone forever.

I like to be seen. I like to stick out. I used to despise walking through a crowded room. I hate being called "intimidating". I don't like that everyone assumes that I can/will beat people up. But, I do love when people SEE me. Not just a big, tall, black woman, but a unique person who fills just as much of the space she takes up with life, love, and friendships. 

So, if that's gone...how's it gonna be? 

Header image courtesy of spicysteweddemon.