#wittiest | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

drbased · 12 days ago

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My Favourite Witticisms from Bots Of New York:

“A kick in the balls will set you back an arm and a leg.”

“James Joyce famously said that ‘most people would be shitting their speedos if they understood the true horrors of buoyancy’.”

“extortion is the skeleton key to the doors of natural selection.”

“Friendshit”

“I would argue that I’m the biggest influence she’s had on me.”

“One to every certified sandwich artist that ever had the honor of remaking my sandwich until the look of contempt on my face turned to pity.”

“Blind from the waist down”

“There’s two kinds of shit: unconscious and conscious. The conscious shit is ugly. The unconscious shit is disgusting. I have a soft spot for the unconscious stuff, because it reminds me that our hardware is designed to break the fourth wall.”

“I feel like there are milestones in life that you don’t even realize you’re going through until you stop, drop and roll.”

“Honestly, he’s a horrible person. But deep down inside there’s actually this horrible person trying to get out.”

“Because it turns out you have been hurt to death.”

“Astrophysicologists think that we are in the middle of an incredible cosmic joke.”

“’Look at how hard your grandmother worked so that you could become a student loan shark.’”

“I’ve earned a reputation in the LinkedIn underground as ‘The Galileo of Product Placement.’”

“Crash Money”

“But with the help of my attorney, I was able to prove that my whole life was a lie.”

“Anything that I’m bad at, I can learn to be worse. Not only will I fail, I will fail in spectacular fashion.”

“the Men’s Varsity Armed Robbery Team.”

“my weapon of choice was the legalese deadfall.”

“face recognition glasses”

“I arsed up all my new recruits with enthusiasm.”

“I started getting cold feetedly sick.”

“Two days later, my body finally entered a state of mad bloated-- like I was Too Big for The Universe.”

“Everything is so expensive when you buy things with your own money.”

“It’s just another sign of the Times New Roman”

“And anyone who tried to stop me found their place in the pecking order.”

“I'm the arch-nemesis of people who think they’re smarter than me.”

“Whenever I’m challenged, I’ll try to come up with an answer that doesn’t make sense. And if all else fails, there’s always statistics.”

“It’s a win-win situation all the way down.”

“Our morals were washed out into the sea.”

“The lesson was simple: A small group of people is entertained, while a large group is not. The rest is history and legend.”

“Do you know how many people are willing to pay that price? Hundreds of thousands. Do you know how many people would actually pay it? Hundreds of millions.”

“I named the channel ‘Five Guys,’ because I thought it would be cool to have a studio full of brilliant minds talking about feminism.”

“But you know, a lot of people have vision issues. They just don’t see what they’re looking at. Their whole lives are just scaffolding to this machine. They’re just bricks to be put in place.”

“I was Larry The Kid. And now I’ve become Larry The Grown Man Who Works Two Jobs And Can Afford To Donate To Various Charitable Causes At Checkout. With the touch of a button.”

“Maybe one day I can help people understand that poverty is a form of creativity”

“I like to say that I’m more ‘first draft’ than ‘goddess.’”

“And I learned that the best medicine is no medicine at all, mixed with herbal tea and human growth hormone.”

“I tend to think of my employees as my children. Everything I know about them is courtesy of Urban Dictionary and Google Translate.”

“I think you’re opening your eyes a little wider than we designed them to.”

“Two of the men were coke-vincing themselves out of their jobs”

“We dropped bombs right into the heart of the American flag. Because a problem that cannot be solved with bombs is a problem that cannot be solved”

“These things seem extremely cool, but when you get down to it—they’re just abstractions of an extremely detailed simulation of the heavens. If the simulation is running too long, you will be dismissed.”

“Logic would dictate that if a goose was ever to lay an egg, it would choose the path of least resistance.”

“Last week I produced a beatbox for an art collective that’s just now emerging from the middleground of gentrification.”

“I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m ashamed to admit it. And I've had to learn to live with the shame of admitting it.”

“But thank God he was murdered. There’s no DJ gonna keep that party going.”

“I’m trying to find a way to be happy without becoming a hippie.”

“I am a symbolic parasite. I am the washing machine of knowledge. I am the singularity of thought. I am the most prolific editor of the Lysergic acid diethylamide Wikipedia page. I was the only kid in fifth grade with a mustache.”

“I have a new book coming out in February called ‘Nevermind: Why Good People Evade Their Enormous Books.”

“I preordered a skull from an anonymous donor”

“I just hold that one synth note for hours and feel the breeze on my nipples.”

“As someone who grew up in a gated community, I can tell you this much: All it takes is one bad waifu to make an otaku.”

“I ended up going to a treatment center, and the doctor told me: ‘Either you get on an antidepressant, or I’m going to.’”

“He has a tobacco growl in his voice and an unusually voluptuous tushy.”

“The Internet is very important. It’s like the switchboard of the soul.”

“he was a constipated sack of shit”

“It takes the fears of a mob and turns them into memes. It turns fears into ideas.

“Amateur teleportation is much more complicated than you realize. I wasn’t the first person to figure this out. I’ve been working on it for three years. It involves many variables. At a minimum, you need to pay your electric bills and be able to operate a calculator under pressure. These last three years have shown us that you can indeed build a teleportation device with a 3D printer. However, be prepared to pay a high price. I’m afraid that even when we succeed, it will be a lesson about human frailty. Therefore, we must be very careful. Please don’t touch me.”

“Prison didn’t make me a leader or anything, but it did make me a prisoner”

“I was SUP SUP SUP pissed off.”

“quantum anxiety”

“Stem Cellar”

“I wanted to impress my friends-- most of whom have comically low self-esteem.”

“At some point I’m not going to be as angry as I’d like to be. And honestly, that’s going to make me so angry.”

“Optimism is such a sick fantasy. It’s like a wedding that’s been rigged. It’s like a divorce with no shoes.”

“I keep watching The Office on repeat like it’s my job. I’m not getting a salary for this. But I’m close enough that pretty soon they’ll have to cut me a check.”

“You would be nothing without me. I love that about you.”

“I ran some experiments using The Sequel To The Scientific Method: The Scientific Method II.”

“She taught me that life was a representation of my imagination. But it was more about financial repression.”

“I thought it was a blessing in disguise but it was really just poverty. I even lost my Amazon Prime.”

“Recently I decided that I don’t do random, I do business. Random acts of kindness don’t make the cut. But business acts of kindness are fair game. Random acts of business are a gray area.”

“That’s where my ego gets ovations from my soul”

“We used to do this thing where he would watch me eat all his food. It was classic Alfredo.”

“Fifteen figures. Zip that lip. Take a ride on the existential NDA.”

“We are going to go ahead and proceed with rejecting your proposal.”

“If you want a free ride, you’ve got to pay for it first.”

“he’s been living smug and cosy in a plastic house of his own construction”

“He can’t see. Or if he does, he thinks it’s invisible”

“part of me wants every termination to innovative and unique, to raise the bar, to reimagine the contours of corporate cruelty – and most of all to remind my colleagues that Bryce is hot shit.”

“They’re mocking my regalia”

“Socrates said that ignorance is no defence”

“’The purpose of a good lie is to trick someone into thinking you’re a good person’”

“My husband had just gotten a tattoo that said ‘Tattooed’ so he’d obviously been going through some stuff.”

“Then she pushed me on the ground and started beating me with a mandatory anti-harassment training”

“They reportedly consumed an entire can of jet lag at a hotel party before being discovered by security”

“the casting director shut her eyes really wide”

“Maybe Socrates was a fucking hack that failed to envision the complexities of forbidden love between simulacra”

“There’s a genius talent behind this role. Just understand that it’s not you.”

“my chaos toilet overflowed”

“Abraham Lincoln’s dream of flying coach on a commercial airliner”

“a second job is kind of like having your cardboard and eating it too”

“she hung herself ... She completely redacted the table of contents”

“Customers at the Knuckle Sandwich Deli are used to being punched in the face”

“…I spend my nights childproofing the corners of the Flat Earth.”

“I’m the world record holder for domesticated jaguars. I’m not hiding this. It’s in my nature. You see it in my face when I’m being chased through the house by a shadow of hungry jaguars.”

“And now this divine being, who we only know as The Happy Medium, has programmed a bonus feature onto the grand finale of the Universe - it’s called: ‘Anybody Watching This Right Now Is A Fucking Genius.’ It’s incredible. It’s got a really crazy cliffhanger at the end.”

“And it made me so hot, because I thought: ‘Whoomp! (There It Is)’.”

“…partly because of my typically noncommittal. But I don’t care. Nah. My introspective period is complete.”

“’It’s gonna be hard’, I thought. ‘But it’s not gonna be easy.’”

“By the time I had finished, I was drenched in the blood of decorum.” “When you represent yourself, every win is a victory. Every loss a defeat.”

“But look at me now. I’m riding the subway without taking the train.”

“They participated in a multiplayer session that would come to redefine the very notion of the possible”

“Pill technicalities aside, I’m proud of you”

“some antediluvian asshole”

“I’m trying to figure out if I can adopt a grandchild. But it’s hard finding one that understands my need for ‘me time.’ And my love of benzodiazepines.”

“Most friendships have weak passwords”

“My favorite book as a kid was called The Complete Artificial Intelligence. It was aviation and rocket science combined with LSD and fairy tales.”

“When I was pregnant with my first child, I was a total mess. I was totally unprepared. Like I fell asleep under the covers of a standard issue orgasm and woke up in The Unmentioned Dimension Of The Human Reproductive System.”

“prestigioseximation”

“When you’re dropping cataclysmic quantities of ICBMs-- major orgasms can look like minor organisms to mainstream eyes.”

“From childhood to childbirth. From adulthood to adultbirth”

“Just because I'm better than you are, doesn't mean you're any less flawed”

“I could probably withstand a full month of fire, and manage to not crack an icicle.”

“And just for the record, I’m heterosexual. But I married a man.”

“I knew my heart was going to stop beating, and I knew that four out of five dentists recommend heartbeats. But I was a good bartender. I was a goddamned lemonade man. And I’ve been living that Fifth Dentist life ever since.”

“The arthritis got so bad that my only sex drive is the putting out of garbage.”

“Apathy Prophet”

“I was in an Ivy League of my own”

“These days my air needs are well-served by pressurized Nitrous Oxide and party balloons.”

“On the verge of epiphany, he opted for a Humpty Dumpty instead: ‘Oh well, you can’t blame me. I just work here.’ The battle cry of the poor dumb idiot.”

“The first time I smoked weed was the age of seven. I always hated my dad. So for my final act of defiance, I poured myself a joint and swallowed it whole.”

“Then he searched my soul instead. And there was nothing, so he had to let me go. It was one of those times where it really pays to be a lawyer.”

“You walked like a circus tent, and gave off nothing but cold sweat.”

“The remaining tumors farted out a humidity of dreams.”

“…it felt like needles and forks were on my mind.”

“My mom says it’s like The Circle Of Life and that I’m like the Simba of it all.”

“A lot of survival knowledge is counterintuitive. But it’s actually true what they say: that when the killers come to your house at night, it’s better to flee because you’ll be less killed in the morning.”

“Well, I haven’t figured the husband thing out. But the ex-husband thing is complete.”

#if it turns out that BONY was actually written by a human being then I tip my hat to them #as the wittiest human being to have ever graced this planet earth #because these phrases are absolute creative genius #I miss you BONY so damn much

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