#without thinking for a single second that music is diverse and there is a public for everything and maybe authenticity sells

[jmin]

went to watch i am still on theaters yesterday and now it makes so much sense why i never cared much about golden lmao

[hongism]

liquorice and ivories - k.hongjoong

➻ pairing: hongjoong x fem!reader ➻ wc: 16.5k ➻ genre: smut, tad angsty, fluff, e2l, pianist!hongjoong, pianist!reader ➻ rating: M, 18+ ➻ warnings: public sex, semi-public sex, explicit smut, oral sex: m & f, fingering, handjobs, choking, lowkey hate sex at first, sex on a piano, degradation, praise, marking, biting, multiple orgasms, cum swallowing, creampie, unprotected sex ➻ summary: you and hongjoong are competitors, of course. two people, one dream - there’s never room for two in this industry. neither of you care who you have to step on to get to the top.

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Your fingers hit the ivories with a thud. The sound echoes through the practice room, reverberating against the walls and sending the sickeningly sweet sounds to the ears of all the people in the room. You sit back, satisfied with the performance, and glance over at your small audience. The professor is the first to clap, and he sends a small smile your way before standing up. Five of your classmates mimic his movements, but the sixth remains stony and cold, unmoving except for the slight curl of his lips that echoes his disgust with your performance.

Kim Hongjoong.

The two of you have never cared for each other; both are so competitive that you can’t stand to be around one another for more than five seconds. You are arrogant to a degree, but only because you think about how far you’ve come and how much you’ve developed over the years. Hongjoong, on the other hand, is just arrogant. There’s no need to beat around the bush and think harder about it. You’ve known the man for about two years now – you both joined the university at the same time and now are in your junior years together. Given the minimal size of your program though, it means that you have to share every single class with Hongjoong.

When you started your journey in the program, you didn’t notice Hongjoong. He’s a short-statured man – still taller than you yes, but small compared to your other male classmate – and he was relatively quiet during the first year of school. A fashionable student, even with the awkward uniform you’re all required to wear, but he always manages to style it in a way like no one else. Whether it’s a beret on his head or a sudden change of hair color, Hongjoong always adds a new flair to his outfits. Once he even had a mullet, which you had never seen before in person, but as much as you hate to admit it, it actually suited him quite nicely. Now, however, his hair is bright blue and parted right down the middle. His bangs frame his forehead, exposing just enough skin to entice, and if you didn’t hate his guts so much, you would understand why all the girls at this school want to get in his pants.

As you said, you didn’t notice him during your first year at university because he was so quiet and kept to himself. That all flipped during the second year though. Hongjoong became bold all of a sudden; the bright-eyed boy of freshman year was long gone and replaced by a cynical man who sought to tear everyone down. You became his primary target of attack. You weren’t sure why at first, but it became glaringly obvious once your professor admitted that you and Hongjoong were the top two students of your generation. It is a competition, in which you are his biggest competitor.

Exchanged insults, glares and scowls sent in each other’s direction, attempts to outdo one another in practices and recitals and competitions. You fight each other tooth and nail. Your professor seems totally unbothered by the hatred you bear for one another; he claims that it’s a healthy way to challenge each other, even though everyone knows that it is the opposite of healthy.

All that to say – you are not surprised in the slightest to see his disdain. Your professor on the other hand cannot stop grinning after your performance.

“Fantastic job, Y/N. Really stunning. I think you’re doing better than ever with this piece. I have no doubt that you can win the next competition if you continue practicing hard and performing at this level.”

You push the piano bench back just enough to step out, bowing to your professor at his kind words.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Mr. Kim, you’re up next.” Hongjoong stands as he’s called forward. The two of you pass without sparing so much as a glance in the other’s direction. You take his now empty seat, one leg crossing over the other as you lean against the back. Hongjoong sits on the bench, fiddling with the adjustments and distance from the keys a bit. “Remind me of your piece?”

“Chopin’s Nocturne, Opus 48, number 1.”

“Ah yes. Start whenever you’re ready.”

As soon as Hongjoong’s fingers hit the keys, you’re reminded of why you hate the man so much. It’s not because he’s arrogant and egotistical for no reason. No, he’s sickenly good at playing the piano. That infuriates you even more. If he was bad and full of ungodly rage, you might be able to rectify his attitude, but no. He’s the best pianist you’ve ever met, ever heard, better than some professionals that you’ve gone and seen in concert. He plays the piano as though it’s an extension of himself. The ivories are like his muscle and bone, he treats each one like it’s a part of him, and he knows how to recreate a piece of music in a way that is so authentically original yet completely his own. Yea, you fucking despise it.

Over the years, the biggest complaint you’ve received from teachers and judges is that you cannot properly express the music. You can play it perfectly, recreate the notes as they were written, and copy them to perfection. But that’s not what the judges or teachers want. They want you to be unique and diverse. They don’t want a perfect replica. They want you to take the piece of music and make it your own, create something flawless and make it even better by putting your own heart and soul into the notes. Hongjoong does that with such ease that he makes it look effortless.

This piece he plays now gives him the perfect playing ground to do that again. The way his fingers dance across the keys, a feather-light touch that brings the slightest notes out and the hard-hitting chords that resound in your ears. His performance is as flawless as ever, he has no trouble making the song his own. You hate it. The perfection under his fingers nearly makes you sick to your stomach because the player behind the keys is nothing but a self-righteous asshole.

You honestly want to smack some sense into Hongjoong, maybe rough him up a little and try to make him less of an asshole, but you doubt that would work. You settle for glaring at the side of his head throughout the performance, despising each perfect note he plays until he finishes the song. You return the favor of not clapping when he finishes the piece, six long minutes of torture, but everyone else in the room applauds his performance with fervor. He stands up and steps around the piano bench, bowing to the professor then turning to look right at you. A smug smile spreads across his lips. He knows how well he did, and he knows how much you enjoyed the piece. You don’t give him the pleasure of returning the glare any longer and glance away to stare at the floor instead.

“Fantastic job, Mr. Kim. Near perfection, I would say. Be sure to watch the tempo as you play. Otherwise, I have no advice for you.”

“Thank you, professor.” Hongjoong’s voice mimics the sickly sweet tone of his playing, a melodious sound that grates against your ears despite how pretty it is. He rubs at his wrists as he pulls away from the piano, and his expression is blank when you look back up at his face.

“Alright, that’s all for today. You all did well with your performances. Be sure to keep practicing. I’ll see you at the competition on Saturday. Watch your emails as I’ll be sending out information about the bus ride to the concert hall. Dismissed!”

You waste no time in standing up, snatching up the bag at your feet and slinging it over your shoulder without thinking twice. You’re out the door within seconds. It would be a wise idea to drop by a practice room and work on your piece some more seeing as there are only a few days left until the competition, but too much rage boils in your gut. You want nothing more than to go home and stew in fury on the couch while watching some awful drama. So, that’s exactly what you do.

The bus ride back to your apartment is quick and easy, as is the walk up the stairs to your room. When you step inside, a small black cat darts out from under the couch to greet you. You stoop down to scratch at his chin, cooing as he rubs against you with a happy purr.

“Hi, Victor. Did you have a good day?” The response you get is a quiet meow. “Yea, I had a good day up until practice. Fucking Kim Hongjoong.”

You step around the small cat to plop down on the couch, dropping your bag to the floor with a thud. Digging around in your pockets, you pull your phone out to find a littering of texts across the screen as well as two missed calls. With a sigh, you tap the screen to return the call, immediately greeted with a loud scream in your ear.

“Y/N!”

“Yea, hi, Woo. Why’d you call?”

“I can’t just call my best friend out of nowhere?”

“No, because you never call unless you want something,” you sigh into the receiver. Wooyoung replies with a dissatisfied click of his tongue.

“Wow, I see how it is. I get absolutely no respect. None! You hear that, Seonghwa? No respect!” You hear Wooyoung’s roommate hum quietly over the phone, and Wooyoung grumbles at his nonchalant response. “Anyways, you’re right. I called because I want something.”

“I fucking knew it.” You sit straight on the couch, elbows coming to rest against your knees. “What is it this time? Calculus homework? You know I’m not a math major…”

“No! No, if I wanted help with Calculus, I would just ask Hwa.”

“Okay, so what is it?”

“I’m having a party tonight and–”

“No.”

“You didn’t even hear me out!”

“The answer is no.”

“Come on, Y/N! You never go out!”

“I don’t want to.”

“It’s a chill party!”

“You say that every time then the cops get called and suddenly it’s no longer a ‘chill party’.”

“Okay, but this time it really is.”

“How so?”

“It’s small. Only seven or eight people are coming. Including you, maybe?”

“More always end up showing up, Woo.”

“Not this time. I’ve limited it. Mingi and San are not allowed to bring anyone over, I’ve made it glaringly clear. So please? Pretty please? Seonghwa and I will buy you dinner for a whole week!”

“Um, when did I agree to that?” Seonghwa’s voice carries over the phone against, his tone full of protest as Wooyoung makes the offer.

“Make it two weeks and you have a deal,” you respond, voice flat.

“What? No! That’s way too much. One week.”

“One and a half.”

“I’ll give you one week and Hwa will buy a whole bag of cat food for Victor.”

“Deal.”

“What?” Seonghwa’s shout of protest resounds again. “I did not agree to this!”

“Too bad, so sad, Hwa! She’s coming!” Wooyoung cheers, voice quieter as he pulls away from the phone for a moment. He comes back right after to talk to you again. “Okay, be here by eight. That’s when people will start showing up. Seonghwa’s getting us some good good alcohol so we’re really going to have fun. I promise!”

Wooyoung doesn’t give you the opportunity to respond; instead, he hangs up the phone and leaves you in silence again. You drop the phone to the couch with a sigh, glancing over at where Victor is now perched on the armrest.

“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

He meows back at you, amber eyes wide with curiosity.

“Yea, that’s what I thought.”

…

The house is already booming with music when you arrive at the front door. Wooyoung is lucky to live with Seonghwa because the man is filthy rich and can afford to rent out a whole house to live in for the school year. It allows for loud parties like these, although the house is relatively small and the other houses around it are very close, they can at least have the luxury of not sharing a whole apartment building with hundreds of other people.

You don’t bother knocking, twisting the knob and stepping into the noise. Wooyoung is there to greet you at the door, two cups in hand, and he grins when he sees you.

“Y/N! Let’s get this shit started! Rum and coke?”

“Yea, yea.” You snatch one of the cups from his hand and start sipping at it without a second thought.

“Hey, that was mine!”

“Well, it’s mine now!”

“You little shit.” Wooyoung scrunches his nose up, then drops a hand to your back. “Okay almost everyone is here. San is in the middle of dragging Jongho over by the ear, then we’re gonna be in full party mode.”

“I can’t wait to make a speedy getaway.”

“You say that every time. Then you stay all night. Make up your mind, woman.” Wooyoung elbows you in the side. He catches sight of Seonghwa a moment later, rushing off to go stand with the older man. You watch him go with a small shake of your head. As much as Wooyoung doesn’t want to admit it, he is absolutely infatuated with his roommate. Every time they have a party like this, Wooyoung ends up in Seonghwa’s bed, and they wake up as though nothing happened. Part of you wishes you could have a relationship like that – fuck and move on without a care in the world. The two won’t admit that it’s something exclusive but you know Wooyoung wouldn’t dare sleep with anyone else, and Seonghwa doesn’t bring anyone to the house or spend the night elsewhere. They have an unspoken agreement, an undefined relationship. Still, it bothers Wooyoung that Seonghwa won’t speak up about his feelings, and you’ve had to console the man through drunk tears on occasion. The only action you get, on the other hand, is hearing Wooyoung’s stories about how they fucked and getting gross details of all the positions Seonghwa put him in throughout the night.

You shake your head at the thought, downing some more of your drink to expel the image from your mind. You glance around the living room, searching the faces of the people who are already here. Wooyoung was at least telling the truth, and there are only three people talking in a small circle. All are faces you recognize: Wooyoung’s friend Mingi, Seonghwa’s old flame and best friend Yeosang, and Yeosang’s current boyfriend Yunho. All people you know well enough to be friends with, so you approach them without any hesitation. It’s only when you step past Mingi’s outrageously tall form that you catch sight of a much smaller form, one with bright blue hair that you recognize in an instant.

“He fucking didn’t…” You mutter to yourself as you drag your gaze over the man’s form. “Jung Wooyoung, I swear…”

You spin on your heel just before going to where the group is standing. You make a beeline for Seonghwa and Wooyoung, catching the younger man by surprise when you grab hold of his shoulder and yank him back.

“Woah! What? What happened?”

“You fucking invited Kim Hongjoong?” You ask, tone incredulous as you glare at your best friend.

“I-I – oh shit. I forgot! I forgot you weren’t friends!”

“How did you fucking forget, Wooyoung? I tell you how much I had him on the daily!”

“Mingi asked if he could bring his roommate! I didn’t know that his roommate was Hongjoong, I swear. I’ve never met him before, I just assumed it was some random person. Please don’t hit me!” Wooyoung flinches away from you as you raise a hand to smack him across the back of the head.

“I can’t believe you,” you grumble as Wooyoung yelps. Seonghwa laughs at your exchange with Wooyoung, eyes forming soft crescents as he smiles. “You didn’t think to ask?”

“Why would I need to ask? We’re friends, I just assumed his roommate would be chill like he is!”

“No, it’s Kim fucking Hongjoong, the least chill person in the fucking universe. I’m leaving.”

“Woah, woah, woah! Please don’t, Y/N. You just got here, come on. Stay for just a little bit. You don’t even have to talk to him, okay? Just stay with me or Seonghwa. Or San when he gets here! I know you like him!”

“Shut up!” You turn away at the accusation, cheeks heating up as he points out your minor crush.

“I’m just stating facts,” Wooyoung huffs. He crosses his arms over his chest and sticks his tongue out at you.

“I’ll stay as long as I don’t have to breathe near Hongjoong.” You send a glare at the blue-haired man’s back even though he can’t see you. You don’t even know if he’s seen you yet; he’s still glued to Mingi’s side without a care in the world.

“What’s the deal with you two anyway?” Seonghwa asks as he brings his drink up to his lips.

“He’s a self-righteous fucking asshole who tears people down so he can feel better about himself,” you grumble back. Seonghwa’s eyebrows shoot up, and Wooyoung shakes his head.

“Competition. They’re both good at piano. Thus… they’re competition to each other.”

“Yea, yea… it would help if he wasn’t such a fuckwad.”

“Ooh, fuckwad. That’s a new one. Hey, Hwa, how kinky would it be to call you fuckwad during sex?”

“I – what?”

“Please spare me! I did not come here to hear about that again.”

“Oh, fuckwad, harder!” Wooyoung cries out, leaning closer to you. You try to swat him away with weak hands.

“Not as kinky or hot as you think,” Seonghwa chimes in, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

“Maybe we can try it tonight and see if I change your mind.”

“I hate it here,” you chime in, trying to hide behind your drink.

“Sure you do.”

“No, I really hate it here. This is disgusting, I didn’t sign up for this.”

“I mean, you can watch if you want–”

“No! Oh my god, no. Wooyoung!”

Wooyoung cackles as he pulls away from the two of you, moving over to where the others stand with their drinks, and leaves you and Seonghwa to stand at the edge of the kitchen.

“What am I going to do with him?” Seonghwa asks as he watches the short brunette walk away.

“Marry him?”

Seonghwa releases a small laugh. “We’ll see, we’ll see.”

You smile at the taller man, glancing at his love-stricken expression out the corner of your eye before downing the rest of your drink. Casting another glance over at Hongjoong’s back, you spin on your heel and enter the kitchen to make yourself another drink. The amount of rum you put in is almost shameful, and it’s a good thing that your recital is on Saturday and not tomorrow because you know you will end up absolutely wasted before the night is over. You don’t even bother to put soda in this time either, just leaving the liquor and a few cubes of ice.

The alcohol burns as it sears down your throat. Seonghwa has moved forward to join Wooyoung with the others. You know you’re going to have to go over there eventually, but Hongjoong’s lurking form is deterring you from doing so for now. Just your luck too because the doorbell rings as you step out of the kitchen.

“I’ll get it!” You call out over your shoulder, making your way over to the door. You already have an inkling as to who it might be, and that is only confirmed when you crack the door open. San and Jongho stand behind it, bright smiles on both their faces. You bite down hard on your lower lip at the sight of the former and try not to let your gaze rake over his body as he steps over the threshold.

“Oh, Y/N! I didn’t know you were going to come too. What a pleasant surprise!” San says. His hand finds your waist as he pulls you in for a warm hug. Your heart does small cartwheels as he presses against you, and you feel the need to down a whole bottle of rum to expel the feelings.

“Yea, I-I, uh, Wooyoung convinced me to come,” you stammer out, glancing away from San’s face. Jongho smiles at you but says nothing, and he looks a lot less excited to be here than San. You understand the feeling at least and pass a sympathetic smile in his direction.

“I’m glad he did. I don’t see you nearly enough.”

“Oh shut up. You’re just one building over, you can always visit me in the practice rooms.”

“And risk seeing asshole supreme? I’ll pass.” San laughs as he shuts the front door, and you know exactly who he’s talking about.

“Don’t speak too soon. He’s here with Mingi.”

“Oh fuck. Where’s the alcohol? I’m gonna need it.”

“Kitchen.”

“Bless you.”

“Mhm,” you hum over the rim of your cup. Your eyes shift back over to where the others are standing. Your heart plummets in an instant as you see Hongjoong’s gaze on your form. That familiar hatred is lingering in his stare, and you return it immediately with an equal amount of fury. Rather than staying any longer to see him, you move to follow San into the kitchen, downing a good amount of alcohol along the way.

“You know, I should’ve brought my girlfriend with me,” San says as you step into the kitchen. You freeze in your tracks, mouth falling agape as your brain processes the words. It’s almost a physical pain that spreads across your chest when you realize what he’s saying. You don’t let it show on your face though; the pain is covered with a shaky smile and laugh.

“W-What do you mean?”

“You’re always the only girl at these parties. It must suck to not, I don’t know, have another girl to talk to, you know?” San brings a cup to his lips, sipping at it quietly as he looks at you. You swallow roughly.

“Right, yea. Of course. I… Honestly, I barely notice. I have Wooyoung.”

“Good point, good point. I’ll be sure to bring her to the next one though. I think the two of you would get along! Hell, you might even know her. She’s in the piano program.”

“O-Oh, wow! Wow. Wow. What a coincidence!”

“I know right? Her name is Minnie if you talk to her at all.”

You nearly choke on your drink as San says the name. Not only do you know the girl in question, she is one of your closest friends – if not your closest friend in the piano program. Not once did she ever let it slip that she was dating your crush. The crush you have mentioned to her on multiple occasions. Nice. Fuck, this nice just keeps getting better and better.

“I-I, no. No, uh, I’ve not talked to her too much!” You lie with another weak smile. “But I’ll be sure to introduce myself soon. I’d love to chat with her about music and stuff.”

“Yea, absolutely. I can give you her number if you’d like?”

“No, no! It’s okay! I’ll see her tomorrow in class. You don’t need to do that.”

“Oh yea, I forgot you guys have practice together every day. She speaks highly of your playing, by the way.”

Your smile is beginning to hurt your cheeks as you strain to keep it going.

“Oh please, I’m not that good. Nothing special.”

“Humble words for the best in the program,” San replies with a lilt to his tone. Your cheeks feel like they might collapse if you maintain the grin any longer. Thankfully, San steps away from the counter and motions towards the living room a moment later.

“I’m gonna go say hi to the others.”

“Yea, go ahead. I’m just gonna get a refill on my drink!” You don’t need another refill, you still have half a cup left. You throw it back when San disappears though in the hopes that it’ll take the sting in the corners of your eyes away. It wasn’t even a straight-up rejection. Still, you’ve spent months pining after San and trying to get close to him, only for this to happen. One of your closest friends to up and date him behind your back? Yea, that hurts a lot more than you’d like to admit. Once the alcohol is fully down, you drop your cup to the counter and begin to pour another glass of straight rum. You don’t even notice when someone else steps into the kitchen with a drink in hand.

“Even at a random party, you manage to annoy me.”

Hongjoong. As though your night couldn’t get any worse, he decides to come and bother you. How perfect. You should’ve said no to Wooyoung.

“Shut the fuck up. I’m not in the mood to deal with you.” You slam the bottle of rum against the counter and bring your cup back to your lips. Hongjoong comes closer to the counter, shaking his head at your behavior.

“Such a model student you are.”

“You’re one to fucking talk.”

“The mouth on you is absolutely foul.”

“I didn’t realize we weren’t allowed to cuss.”

“It’s not pretty for a lady to cuss.”

You nearly toss your drink in his face but somehow you manage to hold back from doing so.

“My patience is already minimal.”

“Rejection ruin your night?” Hongjoong reaches across the counter to pick up the bottle of alcohol. You bite the inside of your cheek so hard that you think you’ll draw blood. “Everyone in class knows that Minnie’s dating San. How did you manage to miss that? Especially seeing as you’re the one who talks with her the most?”

“She neglected to tell me.”

“Probably didn’t want to crush your dreams.”

Your grip on the cup in your hand tightens. Hongjoong’s words shouldn’t get to you – they normally don’t, but right now you’re already in a bit of a fragile mindstate, so the stinging in the corners of your eyes returns in a rush. You inhale sharply. Hongjoong glances up at you as he hears the sound. His fingers pause on the bottle of rum.

“Are you crying?” He asks. You squeeze your eyes shut as though it will hide the evidence of your tears, but it only serves to cause them to run down your cheeks. “Fuck, I-I’m sorry. I di-didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Hongjoong’s apology is quite the shocker. You half-expected him to laugh in your face and call you all sorts of names. When you glance over at him again, his expression is one full of regret and guilt. You wipe furiously at your cheeks with one hand, keeping the other on your cup of alcohol.

“Shut the fuck up,” you say again, albeit with a much shakier tone this time. All the remorse on Hongjoong’s expression melts away in an instant. He glares at you in response and returns to pouring himself another cup of alcohol. You turn away and move towards one of the counters, hopping up on it and mulling over your drink in silence.

“You’re really going to sit there and mope all night? I should’ve known you were boring as fuck just from hearing your performance quality.”

It didn’t even take a minute for Hongjoong to return to insulting you. The temptation of chucking your drink at him returns, but once again you manage not to do that.

“What do you get out of being mean to me? Does it make you feel better? Is that it?”

“No. You’re just so easy to rile up. Makes you worse at playing the piano too, which means it makes me that much better than you. Eliminating the competition, love. That’s all.”

“Don’t fucking call me ‘love’.”

“Why? Does it get you going?”

“I hate you so much, I swear. Don’t you have a line of girls you can fuck around with whenever you’re bored?” You hiss the question at Hongjoong. He laughs a little, one corner of his lips curling up as he takes in your questions. He hums and pushes the bottle of alcohol away again, then brings his cup up to his lips. After a long and slow drag of the drink, he pushes it back down to the counter. You watch his movements with wary eyes as he steps around the counter and moves closer to where you’re perched.

“What’s the fun in that?” He asks, head tilting to the side as he draws closer to you. “Why not play a little game of cat and mouse? Tease, poke fun, see how much it takes for someone to give in. That’s real fun.”

“So I’m a game to you?” You spit out as Hongjoong closes in on you. He pauses in his tracks, only a few feet away from you now.

“A game? You aren’t the game itself. You’re just a piece in the game. The true game is getting under your skin.”

Hongjoong continues to move forward until he hits your knees. Despite his short stature, he’s just tall enough to be eye level with you at this angle. You lean back, head thudding against the cabinet behind you. There’s nowhere for you to go, and you stare back at Hongjoong with narrowed eyes. You bring your cup up, effectively blocking him from coming any closer, and down some more alcohol in the hopes that it’ll drive away the sudden warmth in your gut that arises when Hongjoong grins at you.

“Cat got your tongue all of a sudden, princess?”

“No,” you rush to answer. Hongjoong’s smile persists, and he places his hands down on the counter. They close you in, dropped on either side of your form. He’s putting an awful amount of trust that you won’t knee him in the balls like this, because you’re at the perfect angle to do so.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Hongjoong says. Your breath catches in your throat when you hear his words, and you panic, shoulders tensing up in an instant. Hongjoong hesitates, watching your movements with careful eyes. “Unless you don’t want me to?”

“N-No, I… I…” You can’t finish the sentence. Your gaze travels down the slope of Hongjoong’s nose to his plush lips, their dark red color enticing you to lean forward. It’s the alcohol in your system, it really must be, because otherwise you wouldn’t even dream of kissing him. Hongjoong leans even closer, his breath mixing with yours. It smells like alcohol, and as he gets closer, you can see a faint blush across his nose and cheeks. He must be feeling the effects of the drinks as well, which should be a sign for you to stop and know that you’ll regret this in the morning. Hell, you aren’t even drunk yet. You’re barely tipsy. So why the fuck do you want to Hongjoong to pin you to the bed and fuck you senseless?

You don’t think any longer than that. You drape your arms around Hongjoong’s neck and close the distance between your lips. His lips are soft and warm when they hit yours, slotting together like puzzle pieces. He sighs into the kiss. He pushes against you as his hands shift to grip your hips. Despite the smell of alcohol on his breath, his lips taste sickenly sweet, almost like liquorice candy. Strangely, you can’t get enough of you. His tongue prods at your lower lips, swiping across the skin in a way that causes shivers to run down your spine.

A slight gasp escapes you, and Hongjoong uses that to his advantage. He presses his tongue between your lips with ease. It hits yours in an instant battle for dominance, and that sweet liquorice taste is on his tongue as well as though he’s been eating the candy for hours.

He pulls back for a moment, letting the two of you catch your breath. Your eyelids flutter as he moves, and your head falls back against the cabinet behind you. Hongjoong takes advantage of the motion. He leans forward and presses his lips to the column of your throat, tongue dragging over the skin there. Small gasps of air leave you as he sucks gently at the skin as well, and you know you should stop him because he’ll leave marks. Marks that won’t be gone within two days for the competition. Yet you don’t mind it too much ask his tongue lavishes your neck. What you do mind is the fact that the two of you are still in the kitchen. Which has no doors. So anyone could walk in and see the two of you going at it like this at any second.

You nudge Hongjoong’s shoulder, and he pulls off within an instant.

“What’s up?” He asks in the most nonchalant and casual tone ever.

“Upstairs bedroom. First door on the left. I’ll meet you up there in five minutes,” you say through a series of gasps. Hongjoong arches a brow, your confident tone catching him off-guard as well as the confirmation that the two of you are taking this further. He pulls away from you. His hands slide down your thighs as he moves in a teasing manner, and the gleam in his eyes tells you that he knows exactly what he is doing. You wait until he’s completely gone from the kitchen to release the breath you were holding, eyes falling shut. You take another chug of alcohol and finish off the rest of your glass. It’s just enough liquid courage for you to hop off the counter and pace around the kitchen, hands pressed together as though in prayer.

Now that Hongjoong is gone, you’re suddenly second-guessing this whole… situation. The two of you hate each other, that fact hasn’t changed in the slightest, you know that he still hates you as much as you hate him. It’s just the alcohol. It’s just the alcohol, it has to be. You’re still thinking straight and clearly though. It’s the arousal in your gut then. That was not there before Hongjoong kissed you or when you pulled him into said kiss. Then… perhaps the rejection that wasn’t really rejection from San. Maybe it’s that. Surely it’s that. Or maybe the two of you just need to fuck this out of your systems and carry on with hating each other.

Thinking is getting you nowhere. You don’t wait any longer, dipping out of the kitchen and taking the stairs up to the second floor without a second thought. The door you mentioned to Hongjoong belongs to Wooyoung, and he may not be happy about you using his bedroom to fuck your sworn enemy, but he’ll be wasted and distracted with Seonghwa within an hour anyway. You push into the bedroom with a sudden burst of confidence, but that dissipates the second you step in and lay your eyes on Hongjoong.

He’s stripped the leather jacket he was wearing off, leaving him in black pants that are far too tight, and a tucked-in tee that looks so effortlessly good on him that you hate it. You hate how damn perfect he is without even trying. He barely gives you time to shut the door before he’s approaching you, pressing you up against the wood. Your lips find each other again, and you moan out of surprise. The sound spurs Hongjoong on; he grabs hold of one of your legs and hikes it around his waist. The show of strength sends a surge of arousal to your core. He presses his tongue between your lips again, and you eat that sickly sweet taste of liquorice up as though starved.

“Are you sure?” Hongjoong asks, pulling away for a brief moment to look you in the eye.

“Yes,” you respond without any hesitation. “Yes, so fuck me.”

“Fuck…” Hongjoong mutters. He pulls you off the wall, and you press your other leg around his waist as he moves for the bed. You’re glad Wooyoung at least didn’t leave his room a complete mess otherwise Hongjoong would be tripping over clothes and shoes. He makes it to the bed with ease, however, dropping you to the mattress. The air leaves your lungs in a huff. You sit up on your elbows. Hongjoong stays back for a few moments, tugging at his belt until it’s completely gone, then his shirt follows quickly. You barely noticed the obvious tent in his pants prior to this but in all honesty, your eyes were looking anywhere except for his groin. His stripping encourages you to do the same, pulling at your own t-shirt and discarding of it on Wooyoung’s floor. Your shorts are harder to inch off, but as you tug at the zipper, Hongjoong’s hands land on your hips.

He doesn’t say a word, yanking your pants down with such ease that you nearly melt at the sight. Now he’s the one overdressed though, tight pants still clinging to his form, while you’re left in the black set of lingerie that you wore without thinking you were going to end up like this. Hongjoong doesn’t seem to mind one bit, bending down over you and dropping his hands on either side of your body. You welcome him with a kiss full of teeth and saliva.

“Fuck you’re hot,” Hongjoong says as he pulls off your lips for a second. He reaches around your torso and unhooks your bra, yanking it off you. Cold air hits your chest, and you suddenly feel very embarrassed at the exposure. Hongjoong’s eyes rake over you. He brings a hand to drag over your chest, pinching your nipple without warning. You gasp at the sensation, and your back arches off the bed under his fingers. Your reaction encourages him to repeat the motion, and he dips down to latch around your other nipple with his lips. You cry out from the sudden stimulation, Hongjoong’s teeth grazing over your breast lightly, and your hands reach down to find purchase in his bright blue hair.

He doesn’t waste much time though, lips quickly leaving your breast and trailing wet kisses down your bare abdomen until he reaches the band of your underwear. A grin spreads across his lips, eyes twinkling with mischief as he snags the material with his fingers and pulls it down with ease. You don’t even have time to think before he reaches between your folds and flattens his tongue against your clit. Another startled yelp escapes your, legs jerking, and Hongjoong hooks his arm around your leg and grasps at your opposite hip with the same hand. The other hand lingers at your core, teasing your dripping folds while his tongue goes to work at your clit.

“Fuck, you taste so good, princess,” Hongjoong purrs against your lower lips. You glance down at him, making eye contact as he drags his tongue through your arousal. You can see your juices on his lips. The dirty sight causes you to writhe against him. He stills you by pressing two fingers into your heat.

“Ah! Ho-Hongjoong, oh my god,” you stammer out as he immediately curls those two fingers inside you and nips gently at your sensitive bud. “F-Fuck, fuck.”

“Such a dirty mouth for a dirty little slut, huh?” You can’t respond with words this time, but his statement draws a high-pitched whine out of you and your walls tighten around his fingers. Hongjoong teases the corner of his mouth with the tip of his tongue. “Dirty talk then? Or degradation?”

You answer by squeezing around his fingers again, and the sensation is so tight that Hongjoong grits his teeth.

“You’re gonna be so good around my cock,” he hisses out. He squeezes a third finger into your heat, scissoring you open with relative ease. That damn tongue continues to tease your clit. He flicks over the small bead and draws small circles around it. It edges you closer and closer to an orgasm, but Hongjoong senses that and pulls away within an instant. He drags his tongue lower instead and pushes the wet muscle into your heat with his fingers. The added stimulation makes you cry out, and your hand grips Hongjoong’s hair and tugs at the strands. He nearly growls, the vibrations of the sound reverberating through your core in just the right way. It causes your orgasm to hit all of a sudden, back arching off the bed and body going slack as the intense waves wash over you.

Hongjoong guides you through the orgasm, fingers still curled inside you as he pulls his tongue back to lick the juices off his lips.

“Ready to take my cock in that dirty little cunt?”

“Yes, fuck – fuck, yes. Please fuck me.”

“Since you asked so nicely, I suppose I can do that.”

Hongjoong pulls back from your core, hands going straight to his pants. He has to stand up to tug them down, and he yanks his underwear down in the same motion. You’re surprised by his size in all honesty. He’s rather short compared to the other men you’ve been with so you weren’t expecting much in that department, but he’s much larger than you expected him to be. He doesn’t give you time to gape any longer though, kneeling back on the bed and pulling your legs up around his waist. He guides his member to your entrance. You swallow in anticipation and watch him slowly enter you. He continues moving forward until he bottoms out, a low groan leaving his lips when you instinctively clench around his cock.

“Tell me when you’re ready,” he grunts out, leaning down over you again.

“Just fuck me already,” you say in response. You curl your fingers around his neck and bring his head down to yours. Your lips connect as he pulls out, and the sharp thrust of his hips against the back of your thighs breaks the kiss. You throw your head back at the sensation, the curve of his cock rubbing against your sweet spot at just the right angle. You can’t keep the moans from slipping out; the feeling is far too good for you to keep quiet, and it spurs Hongjoong to thrust faster. He picks up a relentless pace, hips slamming against your thighs at an almost bruising pace.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he groans. You tilt your head to the side and press your lips against your bicep, biting down on the flesh in attempts to quiet your moans. Hongjoong must not like that because his fingers close around the base of your throat. “Eyes on me.”

You follow the order without thinking twice, snapping your head back to look Hongjoong in the eye. Your quick obedience brings a stutter to his thrusts. He dips down to capture your lips in his own. Despite the fact that you just hit one orgasm, the drag of his member inside your walls is already spurring you to another one in a short amount of time. Your sporadic clenches around Hongjoong’s cock signal that oncoming orgasm.

“Are you gonna cum again, slut?” He growls against your lips. You nod a few times, tongue darting out to taste his liquorice tasting ones. He pulls just out of your reach and leans back. “Do it yourself.” His words draw a surprised gasp from your mouth. You can’t tell whether he’s being serious or not until he pulls his still hard member out of your heat. You swallow roughly, eyes trailing over him in disbelief, before pulling yourself up to be eye level with him again.

“T-Then let me ride you,” you say. Hongjoong arches a brow and bites his lower lip. Still, he doesn’t move. You blink at him. You don’t know what he’s wanting you to do or expecting you to do, so you do the only thing you can think of. Pin him down against the bed, throw a leg over his hips, and grip his member by the base. He groans at the action, watching you guide his cock back to your drenched folds with a cocky grin. You wipe the smile off his lips with a sudden drop of your hips. You take his whole length in again and don’t waste any time in picking up your pace until it matches his previous one. Even as you bounce on his member, he doesn’t grip your hips or guide your movements, just laying back and watching you do all the work. It reminds you of how much you hate the man, even in the throes of pleasure, he’s still an arrogant and self-righteous asshole. That thought doesn’t keep your orgasm from approaching quickly. Your bounces slow down as you grow ever closer to your high. When it hits, you release a loud cry, freezing on top of him with pulsing walls as the strength leaves your body. You stay like that for a few seconds, unable to move because of the intense orgasm, then pull off slowly.

He watches you with a narrowed gaze as you lower your mouth to his cock. You lap at his member, collecting the juices and precum from it, then take half of him into your mouth. He nearly bucks up into your mouth. You have to comb a few strands of hair back when they fall over his member. Hongjoong releases a wanton moan. You bob your head up and down along his cock in efforts to make him cum faster, and the plan works in your favor. Moments later, he is spilling hot cum down your throat. You swallow every last drop. When you pull off his softening member, you wipe at your lower lip with a satisfied grin.

“You fuck better than I thought,” Hongjoong says through a deep sigh.

“You’re not half bad yourself,” you answer as you fall back against the bed. Your whole body aches and burns from the sex, but you feel extremely satisfied as well. Hongjoong moves with you, head hitting the pillow at the same time yours does.

The two of you refuse to look at each other even in the afterglow of your sex. You don’t know what to say to him, or if you should say anything for that matter. All you can do is stare at the ceiling. Based on the noise that resounds from across the hall, Seonghwa and Wooyoung are already getting down to business. If you hadn’t just fucked Hongjoong, you might find this predicament awkward.

“I’m going to shower,” Hongjoong announces after the silence drags on for a few minutes.

“Y-Yea, yea, go ahead. Help yourself to a towel and stuff. Wooyoung won’t mind.” You watch the man get up and head into the bathroom. The awkwardness is now setting in, and you aren’t sure what this means for the two of you. Perhaps it was just hate sex, but it certainly wasn’t drunk sex because the two of you were surprisingly sober before you even started fucking. It shouldn’t change anything at all.

At least, that’s what you have to keep telling yourself. As Hongjoong passes you on his way out of the bathroom, he doesn’t even spare you so much as a glance. You take a shower of your own in complete and utter silence, mostly spending your time staring at the wall with a blank stare. It’s only when you step out of the shower and look at yourself in the mirror that you say something

“God, how fucking dumb can you be, Y/N?” You towel your body dry and reach down to snatch one of Wooyoung’s spare shirts off the floor, not caring that it might be dirty as you tug it over your head.

When you step back into the bedroom, Hongjoong is long gone. You shouldn’t be surprised. You really shouldn’t. You knew he wasn’t going to stay, and you knew that this was nothing more than a quick fuck for him. However, you are not the type to just have a quick fuck and go. So when you slide under the covers of Wooyoung’s bed, you only feel cold and dejected. Sleeps doesn’t come for quite some time, and you refuse to admit that there were tears on your cheeks at any point in the night. It was just a quick fuck and nothing more. You really have to keep reminding yourself of that fact.

…

“Come on, ladies! Quit moving so slowly! We’re on a schedule.”

You release a huff. The bus seat under your ass is wildly uncomfortable, and even though two days have passed, you aren’t any less sore from your little sex escapade with Hongjoong the other night. It’s the morning of the piano competition now, and you have managed to fully avoid Hongjoong in every way up until now. Because for some unknown and dumb reason, your professor decided that he needed a seating chart for the bus. And he thus decided that putting you and Hongjoong next to each other was a brilliant idea. You can only be glad that you arrived before he did, taking the window seat and pressing your headphones in so that you don’t even have to interact with him in the slightest.

It feels like some bad karma is against you at the moment, the same bad karma that perhaps caused you to fuck Hongjoong in the first place. Being forced to sit next to him is a punch in the gut. You thumb through your music on your phone to find the piece you’ll be playing for the competition today, letting the chords and notes resound through your ears and take over your thoughts. You don’t even notice when Hongjoong climbs onto the bus and sits down beside you, but the sudden lurching of the vehicle causes your eyes to snap open. You glance around in surprise, the music completely distracting you from what was going on around you. When your eyes fall on Hongjoong, you taste liquorice on your tongue. More than that, you fucking smell the candy.

You understand why after a moment, Hongjoong’s fingers toying with a small cube of the black candy. He pops it between his lips, tongue darting out to drag over his lips and collect the rest of the sweet treat’s taste. Then, he glances at you out the corner of his eye and catches your lingering stare.

“What the fuck do you want?”

You were right about one thing. Nothing has changed between the two of you. You opt not to respond and turn away from him with a huff. You return to your music, trying your best to only focus on the notes and all the notes you got from your professor over the past few weeks. Thankfully, Hongjoong doesn’t bother you any longer and actually lets you have some damn peace and quiet. However, you blame him for the fact that your mind keeps drifting back to him, thinking about everything from his body to the way he fucked you the other night and how good it felt. With each intruding thought, you crank your volume up higher and higher. It does nothing to expel the thoughts but at least it gives you some peace of mind.

That is, until Hongjoong elbows you harshly in the side. You yank one of your earbuds out and whip to look at him.

“What?” You spit out with venom in your tone.

“Turn your fucking music down. I can barely think with how loud it is.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“It’s your damn music,” Hongjoong hisses back with an equal amount of anger to his voice.

“Fucking deal with it.”

Hongjoong’s hand darts out and closes around your thigh. You choke on your saliva, coughing as he squeezes your leg. His fingers are dangerously close to your core, and due to your surprise, you pressed your thighs together and effectively trapped his hand between your legs. Hongjoong leans closer to you, and you pull away in response.

“Turn your damn music down.”

You can smell the candy on his breath, and it reminds you of the taste of his tongue and feel of his lips. You almost want to lean in and revisit the taste, but you resist that burning urge. Instead, you manage to plug your earbud back in and turn the volume down a few notches. It’s enough to satiate Hongjoong for the time being. His grip on your thigh disappears, giving you a chance to breathe again but it’s much harder to breathe now that he’s gotten you a bit worked up like this. You curl further against the window and glare at the passing scenery as the music continues to play in your ears. At some point, you fall asleep to the rhythmic beats of your piece. You don’t even realize it, head still pressed to the cool glass of the window as the bus rumbles onto your destination.

You wake up once the bus comes to a halt, and you wake up with a jolt. However, it’s not because of the bus’ sudden stop; no, it’s because your head has somehow managed to come to rest on Hongjoong’s shoulder as you were sleeping. How that happened, you have absolutely no clue because you were angled towards the window and you���ve never been one to move much in your sleep. Hongjoong must have fallen asleep as well, because as soon as you jolt upwards, your head smacks against his and he wakes with a start.

“What the fuck?” He cusses, bringing a hand to rub at his temple where you hit him. You rub at the sleep in your eyes in attempts to hide the evidence of your tiredness before your professor catches sight.

“Wake up, shithead,” you mutter as you shove his shoulder. “I need to get past.”

“Your fault for choosing the damn window seat.”

“And it’s your fault for falling asleep.”

“Were you not just sleeping yourself?”

“I hate you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Hongjoong spits back, eyes narrowed at you. He gets up regardless and steps away, and you take the chance to leave the bus with your bag in tow.

The one thing you hate the most about these recitals and competitions is the fact that you have to dress up nicely for them. It would be nice to show up and perform just the music, hell maybe even just play behind a curtain. But no, the judges need to see you and you have to be immaculate in every way. It’s not cheap in the slightest, but you’ve opted to reuse one of your previous recital dresses in the hopes that none of the judges will be faces you recognize.

Your professor leads the way into the concert hall, and you linger at Minnie’s side, as ironic as it is. Despite still being madly angry at her for not telling you that she was fucking dating Choi San behind your fucking back, she is still your closest friend in the program. That and she can’t seem to shut up about some movie she watched the other day. Her noise at least distracts you for the time being, especially as Hongjoong slips past you and runs a hand through his blue locks. The action is far too enticing and attractive for your liking. Again you’re left to blame it on horniness.

As you walk through the concert hall, those familiar gnawings of anxiety bite at your heels. Minnie is chattering away in your ear but you can’t hear a word she’s saying. Your hands grow cold quickly, and you tighten your grasp on your bag. You only relax a little once you get backstage and settle into a small dressing room.

“Alright, get ready quickly! Y/N, you’re the opener for the competition so you should get ready first.”

You respond with a few shaky nods before ducking into one of the bathrooms in the room. You change with haste, tugging the dark blue dress over your form until it rests comfortably on your body. You took care of your hair and makeup before coming; that was the first thing you did in the morning. All that’s left it to put on your shoes and get warmed up for the performance.

“Y/N, the room across the hall is where you can warm up,” your professor says when you step back out of the bathroom. You answer with another set of nods, moving for your bag to put your casual clothes back inside and replace your shoes.

“You’re gonna kill it!” Minnie drops a hand to your shoulder, squeezing you tightly.

“Thanks,” you mutter back as you fasten the straps of your shoes. When you stand up, you catch sight of Hongjoong staring at you. Your immediate response is to glare at him, which he returns just as quickly. “What?”

“Don’t fuck up too much. I don’t wanna have to clean up our reputation for you.”

You puff your cheeks full of air and stomp out of the room, not bothering to fight back at Hongjoong’s insult. You head straight for the practice room across the hall. It takes a few adjustments of the bench and your shoes, but you manage to get seated comfortably at the piano.

“Emotions. You need to show the emotions, Y/N,” you murmur to yourself as your fingers touch the ivories. It isn’t even the real thing, you should just be warming up and practicing the parts you had troubles with, but you still put your all into it as though it is the real thing. By the time you conclude the last notes of the song, you aren't even sure that you did what you needed to do. You can’t hear the emotion in the notes, you can only play them and hope for the best.

How Hongjoong does it is a mystery to you. He plays each note like it’s his very blood and bones, his life story laid bare before the keys. For someone so full of hatred and anger, it seems even more confusing to you, and as much as you try to reconcile it, you can’t.

“L/N Y/N to the stage. L/N Y/N to the stage.” You glance up with a start, eyeing the small speaker in the corner of the room. There’s a growing lump in your throat, and it only grows larger as you walk out of the room. Your professor is waiting there for you, his hand coming to rest on your shoulder as the two of you begin to walk towards the stage.

“Remember the time signature and tempo. Watch your crescendos. And emotion! Put feeling into it!” He says as you walk ever closer to the front. You can’t respond due to the lump in your throat. Your attempts to swallow it down and dispel it do nothing either. As you reach the curtains, you catch sight of a certain blue-haired man at the edge of the stage. Your gaze hardens on him. Hongjoong never comes to stand by the stage and watch you perform. He’s toying with another black liquorice candy when you walk up to him, popping the candy between his lips before dropping his hand to mess with his cufflinks.

“Our first performer of the day, Miss Y/N L/N. She will be performing Franz Liszt’s Etude Opus 161, Number 3, La Campenella,” the announcer says, his voice booming through the hall. You don’t have time to think before your professor is pushing you forward onto the stage, and you nearly suffer the embarrassment of tripping over your feet on the way to the piano.

You reach the instrument without any issue, by luck of a miracle. The lump in your throat subsides as you sink onto the piano bench, and your fingers dance over the knobs on the bench to adjust it to your liking. Lift your left hand high, right one at the ready on the keys for the cue from your left. You drop your left hand to the keyboard and begin playing your piece to the best of your ability.

All your focus becomes consumed by the keys and music in your ears. You can’t even glance up to watch your professor or Hongjoong’s expression, too enraptured with your playing to think about anything other than the piano. Your whole body follows the tempo of the piece. You sway back and forth, following the movements of your hands as they dance across the ivory keys, and your heart leaps a little in your chest with each successful chord and note. Even if you aren’t able to fully capture the emotions behind a song, you can at least perform. And performing is what you do best. Replicating the notes, decrescendos, crescendos, chords, octaves and leaps, your runs and arpeggios all executed to absolute perfection. The entire performance is full of the excitement in the piece up until your last note after the five and a half minutes of playing.

Your fingers hover over that final note, letting it ring out and coat the ears of your listeners, and when you pull back, your foot slips off the pedal to let the music die out into silence. Applause greets you as you rise from the bench and bow towards the judges. You leave the stage the way you came, joining your professor and Hongjoong at the edge just behind the curtains.

“That was better than ever!” Your teacher cheers as you reach his side. He beams from ear to ear, eyes hidden behind the smile of his eyelids, but you don’t pay him any attention. Rather you look to Hongjoong in attempts to gauge his expression. If he’s impressed in the slightest, he does well to conceal it.

“Following Miss Y/N L/N, we have Mr. Kim Hongjoong, playing Chopin’s Nocturne, Opus 48, number 1.” The announcer’s voice rings out again, calling Hongjoong onto the stage. He glances away from you as he steps out from behind the curtain.

“They put us back to back?” You mutter the question to your professor, who just looks down at you with a glint in his dark eyes.

“The judges requested that you two play back to back,” he explains, maintaining his grin.

“Oh…” You exhale and turn back to watch Hongjoong sit down at the piano. His performance is always a thing of beauty, but you know exactly why the judges would want the two of you back to back. Whilst you exude perfection in every note, Hongjoong does more. More with the piece, he plays with the rhythms and tempos, creating music that sounds wholly his. He plays as though he is the sole creator of the piece and no one else. Each piano he plays becomes part of him. You are polar opposites when it comes to performing. And that’s what they want to see. They want to see the two of your challenge each other with your differing play styles.

The lump in your throat returns as Hongjoong begins to play. Something feels off in the very first note. A spring of anxiety pops up in your gut as you hear it. It isn’t the same as usual, something in the way Hongjoong’s fingers glide over the ivories is not right. The professor still looks quite pleased though, almost like he doesn’t even notice the difference. When you glance out over the panel of judges, they bear similar expressions. It’s a mystery to you how they don’t notice the difference because in your ears, it is so stark and unable to be missed.

The next six minutes carry on with that same vibe. You can’t place what is going wrong until Hongjoong presses his fingers to the final note. The wrong note.

You lurch forward. Hongjoong freezes. The chord echoes through the whole hall, the glaringly obvious mistake resounding without stop even as Hongjoong pulls his fingers off the keys. He stands. Bows to the judges. Heads back towards where you’re standing without a word. It’s not like Hongjoong to make a mistake, not like him at all. You don’t think he’s ever made a mistake, even in practices he is always meticulous and perfect.

Hongjoong’s hands are trembling when he comes off stage. He strides past you without sparing you a glance. He doesn’t look at anything in fact, his eyes are unfocused as he moves forward. You can only stay rooted to the spot and watch him move away without a word. It happens in a millisecond, and if you blinked you would have missed it for certain. Hongjoong’s legs give out and he begins to collapse. Your professor rushes to his side as fast as possible. He grips the blue-haired man’s arm and pulls him back up, draping his arm over a shoulder and rushing down the hall. He’s calling for a medic and an ambulance, and as soon as those words process in your head, you choke on air.

Your feet move before your thoughts do. You chase after the pair, hiking your dress up a bit as you run. The old man carries Hongjoong back to your shared dressing room. Your fellow students dash out of the room as he brings Hongjoong in. You pause in the door frame, watching the scene unfold before you with a plummeting heart. An emergency nurse pushes past you to get in and effectively blocks your line of sight. All you can see is the blue strands of hair atop Hongjoong’s head and nothing more.

Someone catches hold of your arm. It’s Minnie, and she tugs on your wrist as she spews words in your direction. However, you don’t hear a thing. Your ears still ring with that final wrong note Hongjoong played, eyes unfocused as you try to look at Minnie. She’s pulling you to the aside, away from the hustle of bustle of the other people in the hall, and trying to catch your attention. You refuse to look at her, however, and opt to stare back at the room where Hongjoong is with wide eyes. The shock hasn’t drifted from your bones in the slightest.

You don’t get any form of relief until the emergency nurses file out of the dressing room. They don’t carry Hongjoong out on a gurney which is a small relief in and of itself. Your professor appears in the doorway next, sweat on his brow and glasses in one hand. The other runs through his hair – the minimal amount that’s left, that is – and he addresses the other students first.

“You all are to wait at the stage for your performances. You can go into that room across the hall if you need some more practice time, but you are not to enter the dressing room again until the end of the competition. Understood?”

You watch the students share a chorus on nods. Minnie releases your arm to move away with the rest of the students, but she sends one final look your way, one that seeks answers you do not have. Once all your classmates have filed away, you are left to stand across from your professor with bated breath. He doesn’t say anything at first, and neither do you, so the two of you just exchange forlorn stares without speaking. The silence drags on for so long that you think you might pass out; you’ve been holding your breath the entire time as well and it’s really starting to make you feel a bit lightheaded.

“What happened to him, professor?” You ask when the silence grows unbearable.

“He’s fine. Just a small accident.” The answer is spoken with haste, and his tone is flat. The way he says it almost implies that the words are rehearsed.

“A small accident wouldn’t warrant such a reaction from you though,” you reason, lifting a hand to scratch at your scalp.

“I need to go up to the stage to be with the other students, Miss L/N.” Your professor speaks with such finality that you don’t dare press the subject any further. Instead, you watch him walk back to the edge of the stage, waiting until he’s completely out of sight before pressing into the dressing room where Hongjoong is yourself.

You don’t see him immediately, which surprises you to a certain extent, but then you notice that the unisex bathroom in the back corner has an open door and the lights are on. Hongjoong must be in there, but it seems odd for him to have left the door open when anyone could walk in. You’re tempted to call out to him and ask if he’s alright. Something prevents you from doing so, however, and you merely creep closer to the room with quiet steps.

Whatever you might have been expecting goes out the window as you catch sight of Hongjoong’s blue head of hair. He is hunched over the toilet, an awful retching sound leaving his form every few seconds, and you can’t believe that the nurses and your professor dared to leave him alone in a state like this. Hongjoong hasn’t caught sight of you yet, but you certainly make your presence known as you stumble back. Your heel catches on the short train of your dress, you throw your hands back to brace yourself for a fall, but instead catch hold of a table and manage to stay on your feet.

Hongjoong whips his head towards you as you stumble, however, and all of his attention is suddenly directed at you. There is a small excess of vomit lingering on the corner of his mouth, and he wipes at it with the back of his hand as he looks towards you. There’s no explanation that would be suitable enough to explain what you’re doing or why you’re doing it, because frankly, you don’t even understand why yourself. That fact alone is slightly more terrifying than you would like to admit.

“What the hell do you want?” Hongjoong spits out. He slowly stands up straight, legs a bit wobbly as he moves, and moves for the sink to wash his hands and face. “Come to see me suffer? Does that get you going?”

Your jaw stutters as you fumble to come up with some sort of response. Nothing comes out for a few seconds and you’re left to just stare dumbly at Hongjoong with nothing but a blank expression.

“Figures…” Hongjoong mutters. He leaves the bathroom and heads for his small travel bag. You watch him move without saying anything, eyes tracking each of his movements with scrutiny. As he bends down to open the bag, Hongjoong winces. His arms jerk, back straightening for a brief moment, then his body returns to normal as though nothing happened. Hongjoong hisses, teeth gritted as he continues to push down and get whatever he was looking for. When he stands back up, you catch sight of a toothbrush and toothpaste in his hands. It’s strange, because those aren’t items he would typically bring to a competition like this one which lasts less than a day. The behavior makes it seem like he almost knew that this was going to happen.

“What’s wrong with you?” You ask out of the blue. Hongjoong all but ignores you in favor of walking towards the bathroom again, this time with toothbrush and toothpaste in hand. “I mean – what happened to you?”

“You’re going to have to elaborate because there’s plenty wrong with me.”

“On the stage, Hongjoong. You fucked up and missed the last note. You never do that.”

“Yea, well, I did this time. What do you want me to say?”

“You collapsed as soon as you were backstage. Something is obviously bothering you now since you puked. What the hell is going on with you?”

“Why do you care all of a sudden? Wanna know why your competition is getting worse? Get used to it.”

“No…” You trail off, unsure of what to say next. Hongjoong brushes his teeth with ferocity, and his gaze remains on the mirror rather than looking to you while you speak. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

You aren’t sure where the desire came from. It’s foreign to you, as it the worry that bubbles in your gut as you look over Hongjoong’s form. He seems frail all of a sudden, and that’s just so unlike him in every way that you can’t get past it. He doesn’t respond right away – probably due to the fact that his currently scrapping his toothbrush over the expanse of his tongue. You wait for a reply in silence for two minutes, then Hongjoong spits in the sink and washes his mouth out again.

“Parsonage-Turner Syndrome,” he says. His eyes find yours, still as void of emotion as ever, but you blink back in shock. “Do you know what that is?”

“N-No, I’ve never heard of it,” you answer honestly. Hongjoong sighs and returns to his duffel bag, pushing his toothbrush and toothpaste back inside. He digs around a bit more in the bag before standing up straight again. A small wrapped candy lingers between his fingers. He undoes the wrapper with quick motions, then pops the black liquorice between his lips.

“Idiopathic brachial plexopathy or neuralgic amyotrophy,” Hongjoong recites the words as though he’s heard them thousands of times. You don’t doubt that he has based upon the look in his eyes. “A rare disorder consisting of a complex constellation of symptoms with abrupt onset of shoulder pain, followed by progressive neurologic deficits of motor weakness, dysesthesias, and numbness.”

Hongjoong pauses and purses his lips. He looks away from you, but the way his eyes well up with crystalline tears doesn’t escape your notice. You gnaw on the inside of your cheek in silence. If there’s anything to be said, you certainly don’t know what it is.

“In short, I’m losing the function of my arms. Eventually, I won’t be able to use them at all. The more I play the piano, the bigger risk I run of destroying them further. How ironic, huh?” Hongjoong releases a dry laugh, but the humor is gone from his tone. As his words sink it, your heart sinks further and further. You dare to glance up at his face from across the room. The tears in his eyes have fallen down his cheeks. It’s the most vulnerable you’ve ever seen Hongjoong, but you also can’t imagine how difficult it must be for him. “How fucking ironic…”

Hongjoong’s voice dies off a little, cracking as he finishes his sentence. A moment of silence passes. You debate saying something but every time you try to speak, your voice dies in your throat. A scream of anguish leaves Hongjoong’s throat. He swings for the wall with his left hand, fingers clenched into a fist so tight that his knuckles are white. He hits the wall with such force that the sound echoes in your ears, and you flinch away from the table you’re leaning against. Hongjoong sinks to the floor, knees hitting the ground with a thud. His fist never quits its rhythm against the wall; he continues slamming his hand at the surface. You’re frozen in place, watching his fist hit the wall over and over until red flecks begin to spread across the pristine surface of the wall.

“Hongjoong–” You start towards him, a sudden urgency rushes to your bones, and you hurry to keep him from abusing his hand any more than he already has. “Hongjoong, stop. Stop it, Hongjoong, stop.”

You snatch him by the wrist, and he relaxes into your touch within an instant. He slumps forward until his forehead hits the wall. It takes a few seconds of silence, then a strangled sob escapes his slacked body. You catch him before he completely falls over and drag his weight in your direction instead. He doesn’t even complain, fingers finding the material of your dress and balling around it without a word. He cries against you. You can’t imagine how long he’s been holding it in, how long he’s known that this was his fate, that the thing he loves the most will lead to his destruction. It’s heartbreaking and horrible to think about. The fear of even spraining a finger haunts you sometimes, but Hongjoong has to live with the knowledge that his fate is to lose his ability to play forever.

“It’s okay, Hongjoong,” you mutter against his hairline. A laugh leaves his lips, but it’s wet and full of mucus. He nearly chokes as he continues to laugh.

“How the fuck is this okay? In what world is this okay? Answer me that.”

“I-I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Everyone is always fucking sorry. Yea, come say sorry again when you have your only passion stolen from you.”

“Ho-Hongjoong. No, I-I – stop. It’s not been taken away from you yet. You still have tim–”

“How much time? How long until I fuck my arms up to the point of no return?”

“Can’t they do anything?” Your question is spoken in such a quiet tone that you fear that Hongjoong might not hear it.

“There’s no cure. Just fucking physical therapy and acupuncture to slow the muscle denervation. Electrotherapy. Nothing that fixes it.”

“But it would slow it?”

“For a time.”

“Isn’t that worth it then? Even to just… try? The hope that maybe it will fix things enough to let you play is worth it isn’t it?”

“Worth it to what? I’ll never be able to play at the level I want to. I’ll never get to achieve my dreams, not in this condition. Not with this disease. I’m doomed no matter what. Physical therapy won’t do shit. If I’m gonna lose my arms, then I’m gonna do what I love until I can’t anymore.”

Hongjoong’s resolve is strong, even through the weakness he’s showing right now, and you can’t blame him. His behavior makes sense now. The hatred and disdain for you, the ego and arrogant nature about him, the flaunting of his skills – it was all just an attempt to hide the fact that he was breaking inside.

“Then you’re robbing yourself of an opportunity… you never know if something is going to work unless you try, Hongjoong. Even if you’re not a miracle patient who gets cured out of the blue, just trying could give you the ability to play longer. Not because you need to be the best or play better than everyone else or even play at a high level. But because it’s something that you love. And at least having the ability to do something you love is better than losing it altogether.”

Hongjoong doesn’t respond to your words. His tears aren’t slowing down, and you wonder if he’s in any pain in this very moment. His shoulders tremble but because of the sobs that wrack his hunched form. As you cradle him against your chest, you can’t help but look down at your own hands. Your fingers are trembling against Hongjoong’s back. In that brief moment, you imagine yourself in his shoes.

The first sear of pain through your arms. The continued abuse over weeks. Finally going to see a doctor. Being told that it’s a disease. That the longer you play, the worse it will get. That eventually you’ll lose the use of your arms completely. The dream you’ve had since you were a child – you wonder if it was Hongjoong’s dream too, before he was given the news. You wonder if Hongjoong had the same bright eyes and hopeful dreams of becoming something great, someone great. You imagine that dream being wrenched from your grasps. It hurts. Just the thought of it hurts more than a thousand knives in your chest.

All you can do is pull Hongjoong closer. There is nothing to say, nothing you can say or do that would make this any easier or better. You settle for this and press your cheek against his head.

…

The time has escaped you yet again, and you glance up from the keyboard to see that the clock reads six o’clock already. You wanted to get some rest in your apartment before nightfall hit because Wooyoung somehow managed to drag your ass out for another party even after what happened last time.

You push the bench back and close the lid of the keyboard. Your fingers linger on the wood, however, and you look at the instrument with a strange tightness in your chest.

It’s been three weeks since that competition. Three weeks since you’ve seen Hongjoong. He hasn’t attended class, you haven’t seen him in the practice hall or rooms at any point in time, it’s almost as though he disappeared off the face of the planet. You hate it. Class is too silent. It’s boring. Without Hongjoong, you have nothing to do except think about when the class is going to be over. It’s almost funny how only now that he’s gone do you realize how much time you spent slaving over the mere thought of him.

During the first week, you watched the door and waited for Hongjoong’s blue head of hair to step through. You always had your snide remark at the ready: “Late for class? At least you bothered to show up this time.” Hongjoong never came though.

The second week you guessed where he might be. Thought about what happened in the aftermath of his meltdown at the competition. They took him to the hospital, forcibly prying him from your arms, and that was the last you saw of him.

And then the third week passed by, and you began to wonder if the damage to his arms had already been done. Even now as your thoughts are occupied by the thought of him and him alone, you wonder if that’s the case.

As you get to your feet, the door behind you slides open. The sound is almost silent, and if you had still been playing you wouldn’t have heard a thing. You whip around to face the intruder. You nearly don’t recognize the form standing before you. Formerly blue hair has been replaced with a bright red, and it’s only when you look at the man’s features that you recognize him. Your darting gaze flits down to his left hand. It’s wrapped in a white gauze, fingers loose and flexing in the wrap. A good sign, perhaps. At least the damage isn’t fully done yet.

“Ew, it’s you,” you say, trying to contain the smile that threatens to overtake your lips when you see Hongjoong.

“Wow.” Hongjoong glances around the practice room. There is something sad and longing in his eyes as he looks around. You open your mouth to say more, but he continues speaking without you having to ask. “I, uh, I dropped out.”

“You what?” You just about fall over upon hearing the news. It catches you so off-guard that you choke on the saliva lingering on the back of your tongue.

“I dropped out of the program.”

“Yo-You – but, but the program – you were one, you were one of the only ones to get – what?”

“I thought about what you said. I, um… Yea, I dropped out. Started doing general studies instead. Think I’m gonna go for a teaching degree. Maybe try to be a piano teacher one day.”

“Why?” You aren’t being very eloquent, but the shock is too strong for you to even think about putting together a coherent thought.

“I kept thinking about what you said. Robbing myself of an opportunity… losing something I love. I love the piano, and I love playing the piano more than anything. I can’t lose the ability to play it. That’s – That’s taking away a part of me I can’t lose. Without piano… I would be nothing. I’m not ready to lose it because of some stupid fucking disease that can kiss my ass.”

Your breath catches in your throat. It’s the last thing you expected to hear from Hongjoong, especially since he resolve to be the best regardless of what happens to him was so strong. He saves you the trouble of coming up with a reply.

“I started going to physical therapy. They started me out on some acupuncture treatments, then worked me up to doing strengthening exercises and range of motion exercises. We’re going to try some electrotherapy next but the doctor said I’m making really good progress.”

“R-Really? Hongjoong, that’s amazing. Honestly. That’s truly incredible. I’m so ha–”

“Thank you,” he interrupts. His gaze is on the floor, fist clenching here and there, and his tone is quiet. “Thank you for giving me my dream back.”

You don’t have time to think before Hongjoong is walking towards you. He catches you by surprise, arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you against his chest without hesitation.

“You don’t need to thank me,” you murmur in response. Your arms drape over him, and hesitance fills your motions unlike his hasty ones. He is warm and soft under your touch, so unlike how he was that day of the competition – cold and stiff.

“I do. Please, I-I…”

Hongjoong doesn’t need to finish the thought, but you don’t need him to. You can guess what he might be trying to say. You aren’t sure you need to hear it or if you can handle it. Instead, you settle for this comfortable embrace. Hongjoong’s breath is hot against your throat, and curse you for thinking about it because it leads your thoughts in a bad direction. Hongjoong shifts his head closer to your neck, lips caressing the skin there that barely peaks out from under your collar.

“C-Can I…?”

“Yes,” you exhale when Hongjoong inches closer to your lips. He brushes over your skin with such a gentle touch that you wonder if it is actually real. He deepens the kiss a moment later, however, and presses against you with more fervor. Your lips slot together, warm filling your chest and gut. He guides you backwards as his hands find your hips. You gasp into Hongjoong’s mouth when your ass hits the lid of the piano. Hongjoong doesn’t seem to mind though. He uses it as an opportunity to press his tongue between your lips. That familiar taste of liquorice lingers there, and you smile into the kiss.

You let him take over, his tongue exploring your mouth with a newfound interest. It’s so different from your first time together; that time was filled with fervor and passion and arousal. This is slow, gentle, almost romantic. You can’t get enough of it. Each kiss leaves you wanting more, each lingering touch makes you want to take more, and when Hongjoong’s fingers hook around the back of your thighs, you moan into his open mouth. He lifts you with ease although you do worry for a split second about straining his arms. He dispels that worry with haste, propping you up on the lid of the piano without a care in the world.

His lips attack your neck next, pulling away from your mouth to leave a saccharine trail down your skin until he stops at the base of your throat. You bring a hand to his freshly red locks as he sucks at the skin there and roll your head to the side to give him better access. Your gaze flits down to the door he entered through, and the lock on the handle isn’t turned. You should be worried because being caught having sex on a damn Steinway would be atrocious, but Hongjoong pushes that to the side as well. Deft fingers work the buttons on your blouse apart and push the material back until you’re stripped of the shirt. He pops the clasp of your bra next and drops the lingerie to the floor. You bare your chest to him, ready for him to dive in and mark up your breasts in a similar manner but he doesn’t.

His hands instead go to the waistband of your skirt. He unhooks that button and zipper, tugging the material off of you as quickly as possible. All of a sudden you’re left only in your underwear. Hongjoong doesn’t let you stay nearly naked alone for long. He leans back to tug his own shirt off, then his pants are quick to follow. As the material drops, you catch sight of the prominent bulge in his underwear. Without thinking, you reach out and grab hold of his constrained member. He groans into your touch, hips automatically bucking forward from even the slightest touch. You don’t wait to dip your hand past the band of the underwear and take hold of his semihard member.

“Y-You’re the devil,” Hongjoong hisses out as you pump his cock ever so slowly. In response, you drag your thumb over his slit, collecting the precum there and using it to help you pump his cock with more ease. You release a small laugh as his hips thrust into your touch. The laugh is cut short when Hongjoong presses the palm of his hand against your core. “Something funny, princess?”

You can do nothing except gasp in response, back arching off the lip of the piano. Hongjoong must enjoy the sight before him because a low moan slips through. His free hand darts around your back and collapses the music stand atop the piano. He seems ready to move you up even higher on the piano, but you stop him with your hand.

“N-No, wait – I just, I want you to fuck me. That’s all.” Your hand slides across Hongjoong’s bare chest, leaving goosebumps in your wake, and Hongjoong nearly shivers. Your words seem incentive enough for him, however, and he dips down between your legs to tug your underwear off. His follow soon after; hardened cock finding freedom at last. You slide a bit further down the lid of the piano in efforts to get more comfortable. Hongjoong braces your hip with his left hand and the other goes to your dripping folds. You’re nearly wet enough to drip all over the floor, positioned carefully so that you don’t sully the piano any more than you are already.

He works you open with deft fingers, two pushing into with ease thanks to your wetness. He uses those fingers to scissor your heat open and stretch you. You moan under the touch. The loudness of your moans is a bit worrisome considering you’re still in public, so you try to conceal them at least with the back of your hand. The moment you try to cover your lips however, Hongjoong reaches up and tugs your hand back down to the piano. He covers your lips with his. The position lets you moan freely into his mouth until his fingers disappear from your heat altogether.

“F-Fuck, I can’t wait any longer,” Hongjoong hisses. He uses the juices of your arousal on his fingers to pump his cock a few more times before lining up with your tight hole. The stretch isn’t painful; quite the opposite really, but a high-pitched whine breaches your lips. Hongjoong hesitates halfway, eyes tracking your expression for any sign of discomfort. He only moves again when you nod. Once he’s completely buried in you, you expect hasty thrusts but they never come. You blink at Hongjoong, eyes wide in expectation.

He stares back at you with an unreadable expression. His brow has furrowed and he almost squints as he looks into your eyes. You open your mouth to ask if something is wrong, but he speaks before you get the chance.

“I wanna try… us.”

“You want to what?” You ask, taken aback by the sudden statement. It’s hardly a proper time to bring up a serious subject, but maybe it’s the best timing in the world. How are you supposed to know? It’s not as though you fuck people on the daily in a practice room atop a piano like this.

“I wanna take you out. Spend time with you. Go on dates. Be in a relationship. With you and only you.”

“You’re asking after you’ve fucked me twice now?”

“Haven’t fucked you the second time yet, actually.” Hongjoong winks at you, a smirk curling across his lips. “Is that a yes or no?”

“It’s a ‘ask me again after you’ve fucked me senseless’.”

“I’d rather have your senses intact when I ask you.”

“Yes, Kim Hongjoong. In case you didn’t notice, I’m a bit more than interested in you.”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t tell when I was… you know, in you.”

“Shut up and fuck me already!” You protest, slapping his chest with the back of your hand. Hongjoong pulls his hips back and snaps them back against you without warning. You release a strangled moan that quickly evolves into a whine at the sudden thrust.

“I’ll make the rules, princess.”

You nod hastily in reply and brace yourself against the pillow for Hongjoong’s next thrust. He goes slower this time though, taking his time with each thrust, and you know he’s only doing it to rile you up because of the cheeky grin on his face. You want to either kiss or slap it off him, but he makes you choose the former by pushing forward. Your lips slot together with ease. It’s comfortable, easy, relaxed – like you’ve done it a thousand times and will do it a thousand more.

His thrusts do pick up in pace after that, his tongue entering the mix as well as he pries your lips open with the wet muscle. You allow yourself just let go under Hongjoong’s touch. You drape an arm over Hongjoong’s shoulder, nails raking down his back as he fucks you with reckless abandon. The angle is near magical because each thrust seems to hit deeper than the last, and your moans are borderline shouts of pleasure. Hongjoong doesn’t let up once. You’re glad for it because you’re pretty certain that if he does stop, you’ll slip off the piano entirely.  

Your head falls back, lips disconnecting from Hongjoong’s, and you struggle to stay upright with the way his cock rams against your sensitive g-spot. An orgasm is approaching quickly. You can’t manage to get any words out, but Hongjoong seems to understand when you drag a hand to his shoulder and squeeze tightly. Your walls clench around his member without warning. Hongjoong’s thrusts stutter as you squeeze his cock, then he reaches up to pull your face back to his.

“Ca-Can I cum in you?”

“Yes, yes, fuck yes. Please. Please, Hongjoong.” The man presses his lips against yours after you get the words out. You can’t hold the orgasm back any longer, and it washes over you with a sudden intensity that leaves you trembling in Hongjoong’s arms. He joins you not long after, hot seed spilling into you, and you moan at the sensation of his cum filling you up. He hunches forward and his head hits your shoulder. Both your chests heave from the exertion; you can’t seem to get enough air in your lungs. Gently you bring a hand to Hongjoong’s hair again and comb through the red locks with light fingers. Hongjoong sighs into the touch, shivering as your nails brush over his scalp.

“So… is this when I take you to dinner or?” Hongjoong lifts his chin to look you in the eye. You roll your eyes ever so slightly as he grins. The hand in his hair moves to smack him upside the head.

“You’re supposed to do that before you fuck me.”

“Eh, I’ve never been one to do things in order like that.”

“Good thing you can fuck well then or else I might not want a date at all.” Hongjoong’s smirk morphs into a wide smile, and his nose scrunches up as he looks at you. You smile back at him then press a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll take that date now though.”

“One specialty Kim Hongjoong date coming right up. Though you better be prepared to stay up late tonight.”

“And you better be able to keep up with me. Hopefully all those exercises they’re making you do can help.”

Hongjoong grumbles at your comment, pulling back from you with a pout on his lips.

“I’ve got great stamina, thank you very much.” Hongjoong pauses his sulking for a moment to wear a serious expression on his features. “I’m serious about this, you know. You aren’t just some… some quick fuck to me. You didn’t have to be nice to me or give me a chance or anything, especially with the way I’ve been treating you over the past two years. So, uh, yea. Yea, I’m serious.”

You cup Hongjoong’s cheek gently and pass him a small smile before leaning your forehead against his.

“I believe you. And it’s not like I was any kinder to you. But if this is a chance to make things right, then let’s do it.”

“Y-Yea, yea, you’re right.”

“Now let’s get dressed before someone walks in on us like this. Then you can take me to dinner.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Hongjoong pulls away with a grin still on his lips. For a moment, you just sit there on the lid of the keyboard and watch him move around collecting articles of clothing. The warmth in your chest is foreign and unknown, but comfortable nonetheless. You never would have expected things to play out the way they did, but it was a happy accident and you want to bask in it for as long as possible. You slip off the lid of the ivories. The taste of liquorice is still on your tongue.

​​​☽     ☾

➻ requested by: @atinyinwonderland ➻ prompts:

“Ew, it’s you.” “Wow.”

“Eyes on me.”

this highkey turned into a Thing and idek how that happened but here we are aosidjfosijdfo also i did some research into PTS (parsonage-tanser syndrome) and it’s a rather rare disease apparently but this kinda issue with no longer being able to play piano and being forced to give up your dream kinda stemmed from my personal life and my sister and how i saw it impact her so it’s very real emotions and reader’s thoughts about being in hongjoong’s shoes are thoughts i’ve had myself and it truly is hard for me to even think about especially since music means so much to me but yea i cried while writing this, i hope you all enjoyed im going through it imma head out

[romanceboys]

(interview) w korea september issue 2020 — reptile

1. i was surprised to learn that this is your 13th year since debut. within a company, the years almost reflect the experience of a vice department head. that’s right. though there are things i’m seeing for the first time at this point, i think there’s a lot that has remained the same. shall i tell you something funny? early in the year, i transformed into my debut appearance from when i was 16 with a bowl haircut and had my picture taken. i put it up on instagram and as i watched my fans briefly mistake it for an old picture, i thought to myself ‘well at least my face hasn’t aged much yet.’ haha. 2. today, i get to meet one of the personalities i’ve been very curious about personally. how should i put it, you seem like a person who possesses a perfect narrative. oh my, thank you. 3. maturing steadily after debuting with shinee in middle school, you broke away from your image as the group’s youngest and instead donned the clothes of a solo musician. all 5 of your solo albums have been recorded as hits. now you are a member of superm that has gone global. even a narrative within a coming-of-age novel could not be as sturdy as this.  when i look back on my life, i find it quite fascinating. i entered the company at the age of 13, and this year i turned 28. i’ve lived half of my life as a singer, i realise this when i think ‘i’ve run along the same path for a long time’. i think... i’ve been very greedy. it was through this greed that i was able to debut in a team called shinee, and consequently receive solo plans. once, producer lee sooman told me to bring him a recording of any pop song. wondering ‘what’s going on?’ i prepared for it and submitted, and soon after my solo album was released. thinking back, it must’ve been a test. i felt a sense of accomplishment in these things. that too very deeply, of course luck was on my side too. 4. a methodical company like sm couldn’t have proposed a solo career so lightly. there were a couple of tell-tale signs as far as i could tell. my singing parts were little during debut. after all taemin had the image of the one in charge of dancing. then my parts started to increase gradually, this could’ve been one of the signs. back in the day i used to stay back in the practice room till dawn. the employees working late would see me and the word probably went around. they must have felt sorry for me. a skinny boy practising by himself till dawn (laughs). 5. were you the type to stay back later than the rest in the practice room? i would go to the practice room as soon as we wrapped up our schedule. i’d practice till sunrise then return to the dorm and prepare for the next schedule immediately, i spent a long time doing this. 6. it was at the time of ‘sherlock’ in 2012 that your stage presence started to shine in shinee’s stages. thereafter, it seemed that you enjoyed your time on stage thoroughly. when did you begin to realise that only you were in command of your own stage? there were a couple of times... sherlock was one of them. sherlock was an album that came out when i was 20, right after becoming an adult, it was then my attitude towards performance changed. in those days i challenged myself to ‘not to do what was expected/fixed.’ usually our gestures at certain sections of the song are fixed beforehand, from sherlock onwards however i tried my hand at different things without reserve. it was my way of approaching the audience with sincerity, and my way of improving in the future. back then i would notice variations (in my performance) everyday when i monitored myself. 7. frankly, isn’t it difficult for someone to have made such a prominent leap? i think it might have been because of the long hiatus before sherlock. i was able to prepare well so my growth was likely more obvious when i stood on stage after a long time. how should i put it, my members were very stimulating for me. since the hyungs aren’t ordinary people (laughs). this is something i’m confident about, even if you say that most of the shinee members are main vocalists, none of us is inferior to the other, everyone is so talented. with these thoughts verbatim ‘i must survive in here,’ ‘i need to finish what i started,’ i practiced. i couldn’t not have made the leap with such stimulation and not to mention my greedy nature (laughs). spending time together with the members made me realise that we started to resemble each other in some aspects, thanks to them i was able to broaden my perspective and become aware of my undiscovered talents. 8. the prologue single ‘2 kids’ of your third album ‘never gonna dance again’ released in august. as i was listening to the song, i suddenly became curious about the lyricist and looked them up. my impression was that the language of the lyrics was raw and honest. the lyricist turned out to be you. my intention was to include everyday, colloquial speech. i’ve written poetic and abstract lyrics before, but while working on ‘2 kids’ i wanted the listeners to easily grasp the emotions at once. since i’ve released many songs like ‘danger’ with vivid concepts and sensual performances, i expected there to be some distance between me and the public. i found that i shouldn’t stray too far. in any case, i’m a pop singer. i thought to myself let’s meet the public halfway, and the result was the lyrics for ‘2 kids.’ it’s the brightest of all my title tracks (laughs). 9. i find two interesting points here. first, you are completely aware of your identity as a pop singer, second, to do that you work hard to keep close to the public. of course there are times when it doesn’t work out (laughs). for instance, when we’re deciding on the title track for a shinee album, my opinions always diverge from the members’. after listening to our fourth album title track ‘view,’ i said ‘no way, it can never be this!’ (laughs). what i’m after is, how shall i put it... there is a side to me that wants to experience things profoundly. for example, if i were to express love, instead of depicting it one-dimensionally, i’d prefer to do it maniacally. i like taking it one step further to appear twisted.  10. that’s amusing. it’s probably because i’ve seen your easy-going appearance on tv a lot, i would have never guessed for you to approach things ‘deeply’. profound people tend to be like that. ‘multi’ people are able to do several things at once, i can’t do that. i have to dig into things deeply at a time. that’s why when my members and i receive the same schedule notice, i’m the only one who always forgets it (laughs). 11. oho, this makes me curious about your taste in pop culture.  i really like the british drama <black mirror>. i get hooked on the unusual. like mind-boggling things? i used to watch movies that weren’t popular because such movies are less likely to repeat contents that have already been consumed. but then i slowly began to enjoy light films as well. these days i leave a movie running in the background while i do other things. back when i would look for an independent film or thriller of my liking, i’d get extremely exhausted after watching it. they require so much focus that they sap my energy. 12. we were talking about lyrics but somehow ended up here (laughs). if you were given the opportunity to write lyrics again, what kind of story do you want the lyrics to convey? i like philosophical lyrics. for instance, a song called ‘soldier’ from my solo album deals with religious content, it varies from time to time of course but well if i were to write again... i think about this a lot these days. i want to change myself, i want to shake off my image uptil now and be reborn again. 13. why is that? i want a colour that is more concentrated and unique. as if i'm debuting again, i want to show something completely new that i had not before. 14. but aren’t your comebacks always novel? a musician like you who does diverse and experimental concepts is rare. is that so? sure the concepts are always new but... these days i think about how i want to change myself as a person from the very inside. instead of putting a facade on display, i have a thirst for wanting to show a more humane, genuine appearance. all humans experience moments of weakness and dysfunction. i think these moments definitely hold some beauty in them. the moment a person breaks down. it’s the only way one can get up and overcome difficulties again, i believe showing these sides of me, all of me, unabashedly is a path i need to walk as an artist now. 15. honestly, i’m excited for your third album because i heard this album reflects your ideas the most. what aspects of the production were different this time? firstly, i personally cast and liaised with the music video director. i thought it was important to work with the director one-on-one by keeping mediators to a minimum. through several meetings we mulled over every single thing like concept, outfit, hair and makeup. i offered my opinions too: ‘because i’m thinking of leaving a connecting link in the prologue, since there are two albums that would release following ‘2 kids,’ i want to drop certain keywords in the music video.’ fans usually call this a ‘bait’ (laughs). 16. the choreography stood out the most in the ‘2 kids’ music video. you weren’t simply moving to the rhythm, rather weren’t you moving your body guided by emotions? actually there were barely any plans to include dancing scenes. but i thought you never know so i quickly prepared a choreography the day before i left for paris. initially, i had a ‘dramatised’ (borrowing elements from drama) choreography in mind, but the director was expecting something modern. in the end, we expressed it well with a choreography that the director and i came up with after finding the perfect common ground. 17. personally i think a dramatised choreography would have been quite alright because ‘2 kids’ is a universal love song. i told the director i wanted to look miserable and pathetic through and through, like falling into a bottomless pit, wrecked, to be found waking up in the middle of the street, that would do too. why did i want to be that wrecked? i don’t know. there’s just a lot that exists within me. and i might have wanted to express that.... 18. with your first solo mini album <ace> you proved your grit as a solo musician to the public, and i believe your second album <move> reified your colour. i think taemin is a musician who doesn’t need to prove himself anymore. having reached this status, you’re releasing your next album <never gonna dance again>. did you ever think that this album could be it? rather, i hope that this album can be my ‘turning point.’ just as how it was during sherlock, i hope this time it changes my identity completely, as an individual and as a performer. people might like this album or find it mediocre, but i try not to care about these things now. 19. were you the type to stress over feedback? yes. because there are many people who are uncomfortable with change. but then i realised we’d never be able to free ourselves from within if we continued to be tied down. so now i’m trying to notice these things less. 20. have you ever had this thought? that looking back, the experimental has always revolved around you. as i said before, i think there is a lot of something within me (laughs). people have recognized that, there’s a lot i want to do. there is a greed for wanting to be different from others. it’s not that i want to ‘appear’ different but truly be different. 21. do you think there is an aspect of you that others can’t follow? i can’t seem to figure it out. i’m looking for it. however, my satisfaction level with myself tends to be low. and it’s something that has been guiding me till now. 22. what helps you recharge the most? i like lower-body bathing so much (laughs). as soon as i get into the bath, i automatically end up going ‘euu’ ‘aah.’ i soak my body completely, light up a scented candle, then let my body warm up like this. 23. while watching your vlog-like youtube content taem-log, i wondered ‘does he have an affinity for household goods?’ since the camera often captured your surroundings, i noticed pretty glasses and a colourful coffee machine adorning your cupboard. not at all. my mother did all of that (laughs). she’d say ‘this would suit taemin~’ then set it up prettily for display on the shelves. sometimes i do think i’d like to furnish my house with antiques if i were to move in the future. this is a bit funny but i find the houses in old horror movies so pretty. 24. i saw a bottle of moët & chandon in your refrigerator, is champagne your regular choice of alcohol? i rarely drink. i usually receive gifted alcohol quite a lot, it all goes to my father (laughs). my mother brought the moët & chandon and left it in there. i asked her to leave a pretty bottle in there at least for decoration purposes, so she probably brought it just for that? (laughs). 25. what kind of a person is 28-year-old taemin? i sort of want to set things ablaze. i want to put up a spectacular finale of the opening act. 26. how do you want to be remembered as a musician? as a great person. i say this knowing it sounds a bit grandiose but it’s my mission.  27. i can see it. the bigger you become the larger the impact you can have on society. i will become that person. so that many people can hear the message i want to convey.

translated by romanceboys — take out with full credit (source)

[passionate-reply]

This week on Great Albums, I finally do a video on one of my very favourite artists: Gary Numan! And I’ve started with a not-so-obvious choice, his second solo album, Telekon. What makes Telekon so great? Click and find out! Or read the full transcript, which is below the break.

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! Today, we’ll be talking about Gary Numan for the first time in this series, and most definitely not the last. Telekon, Numan’s second LP under his own name, is not a particularly obvious place to start tackling his enormous legacy, but I chose it partly for sentimental reasons: while I can no longer remember exactly what my first vinyl record purchase as a teenager was, there’s a solid chance it might have been this copy of Telekon. But, that aside, Telekon holds a pivotal spot in Numan’s discography, in that it’s basically the last entry in his very brief “imperial phase.” 

Numan’s first major hit was, of course, the unforgettable “Are ‘Friends’ Electric?”, the main single off of his second album with Tubeway Army, 1979’s Replicas. Replicas was a bit patchy and stylistically diverse, a snapshot of the artist emerging from punk rock, and just starting to meld that with electronics and forge something new. Later in ‘79, Numan followed it up with something more cohesive: his arguable masterpiece, The Pleasure Principle. This album would pull no punches in its attempts to blast you onto your back with its synthesised screeches.

Music: “Films”

But, where to next? While all of Numan’s music is distinctively “him,” he’s also never been one to get too comfortable in any particular style. If The Pleasure Principle was Numan leaning into the punk side of Replicas, and tracks like “When the Machines Rock,” then Telekon represented a return to the dark and ominous atmosphere of tracks like “Down in the Park.”

Music: “The Aircrash Bureau”

While The Pleasure Principle had been defined by its buzzing, gritty walls of texture, Telekon tracks like “The Aircrash Bureau” emphasize eerie, whining synth lines, and create a sense of delicate frailty with traditional instruments like viola and piano. Where The Pleasure Principle strove for a busy and full sound, bordering on overwhelming, Telekon is bleak, hollow, and haunting. But aside from its sound, “The Aircrash Bureau” doesn’t necessarily push new conceptual and thematic ground for Numan, being narrated by the titular entity, a hopelessly mysterious force of death and chaos that seems to threaten us listeners. Equally gothic themes pervade the rest of Telekon, including its lone single and opening track, “This Wreckage.”

Music: “This Wreckage”

In 1980, Numan also released two other singles, “We Are Glass” and “I Die: You Die.” These standalone A-sides were clearly intended to be part of the “Telekon era,” as their sleeves prominently feature Numan in his iconic black-and-red leather jumpsuit, like the album does. They were initially absent from Telekon, though--at least, before some releases added them to the tracklisting. I like a big hook as much as anybody else, but I can still appreciate the commitment to ambiance and crawling, slow-burning song structures on Telekon proper. Thanks to the dominance of slower-paced material, the more strident moments feel well-earned--as on “Sleep By Windows,” the track usually cut for “I Die: You Die.”

Music: “Sleep By Windows”

While it’s easy to praise the artistic integrity of Numan’s aversion to including those singles, it was certainly a somewhat bold career move. But Numan was more or less on top of the world at this point--and he’d been hitting the top of the pop charts, with both Replicas and The Pleasure Principle becoming number one albums. If he was a bit cocky, that was understandable...and it ended up paying off for him in the end, at least this time, with Telekon also achieving that number one spot. But Telekon would prove to be Numan’s last LP to do so. While there’s never one clear reason why an artist falls out of the spotlight, it’s hard to listen to Telekon without coming away with the impression that Numan was a bit tired of his sudden and unexpected fame, which had swallowed him up when he was hardly a legal adult. “Remind Me to Smile” stands out as a track whose lyrics seem to embody Numan’s desire for relief from so much public scrutiny.

Music: “Remind Me to Smile”

“Remind Me to Smile”’s strikingly upbeat melody seems to embody the titular request, putting on a stilted facade of emotion despite the misery expressed in its lyrics. Numan’s diffident demeanour and social awkwardness, which he later learned to attribute to autism, undoubtedly made his life difficult. His personality also contributed to his perception by the masses as robotic or alien, almost as much as the futuristic themes of his art, grounded in his lifelong interest in science fiction. The much-beloved track “I Dream of Wires” is one of his most famous dystopian narratives, spinning the tale of an elderly electrician who’s lived to see himself become obsolete, in a high-tech world with no more use for his skills. With its chorus ambiguously referencing “new waves,” it’s tempting to interpret it as an expression of Numan’s own fears of the world of music continuing without him someday.

Music: “I Dream of Wires”

The cover of Telekon is dominated by this bold black and red colour scheme, its criss-crossed stripes evoking the straps of Numan’s aforementioned jumpsuit without actually portraying him wearing it. The artist’s disembodied head appears to be floating, with a sort of ghostly halo behind it, adding to the album’s spooky feel. Equally mysterious is the expression on Numan’s face: his head is slightly tilted, and his eyes seem to drift away from meeting our gaze as viewers, which might be read as a symptom of his characteristic shyness.

While the title “Telekon” doesn’t particularly mean anything on its own, it seems to be derived from the word “telecommunication,” and could be interpreted as an outgrowth of Numan’s established association with things technological. Telekon is often concerned with ways of communicating with others, as on “Remind Me to Smile.” Phone calls are prominently mentioned on several Telekon tracks, as well as the aforementioned single "I Die: You Die." “Please Push No More,” perhaps the album’s most desolate moment, is anchored by what seems to be a call from a telephone booth.

Music: “Please Push No More”

After Telekon, Numan made yet another bold move: embarking on a “Farewell Tour,” and declaring his intent to retire from giving his much-lauded live performances. However, he quickly reneged. His next two albums, 1981’s Dance and 1982’s I, Assassin, saw him vary his sound even more drastically, adopting influences from jazz and funk. They also saw him decline ever further in relevance and commercial viability. To this day, Telekon is usually considered the last truly great album Numan made for a long time. I’m not a huge fan of his early 80s followups myself, but I do think that they’re at least a bit unfairly maligned. I’d challenge the notion that their stylistic shakeups came “out of nowhere,” and point to Telekon’s increasing emphasis on groovy basslines as a hint of where Numan would decide to go next. 

Music: “Music For Chameleons”

My favourite song from Telekon is its closer, “The Joy Circuit.” While Telekon has a lot of pretty dejected-sounding tracks, “The Joy Circuit” seems to send us off on a more cheerful note, with a dramatic finish bursting with violin and viola. It’s tempting to see it as a sunbeam, parting the gloomy, grey clouds of the rest of the album...but Numan doesn’t let us off the hook that easy. The final line of the song, and hence the entire album, is ���all I find is a reason to die,” which is a hell of a way to close the book. With that, I have to end my video--thanks for watching!

Music: “The Joy Circuit”

[ollyarchive]

Olly Alexander: ‘I want to make the community proud. I don’t know if I've always got it right’

By

David Levesley

As Ritchie Tozer in Russell T Davies’ devastating 1980s-set drama It's A Sin, Olly Alexander told a story from a tragically formative decade in gay history. As himself and as frontman of synthpop trio Years & Years, he contributes to a new narrative. But, as he reveals here, the insecurities and anxieties written into minority identities are not just a personal challenge: they can shape stories told by, for and about all his peers

It is the afternoon before It’s A Sin is broadcast to the nation and its star, 30-year-old musician and actor Olly Alexander, is buying a cat cushion. “It’s for a friend!” he says, mortified to be caught in the act of buying a plush feline.

Where once being the star of a primetime Channel 4 drama might mean greenrooms, watch parties and a celebratory afters, this is January 2021, so a flame-haired Alexander is sitting in his kitchen, drinking a smoothie the exact same lilac as his top.

“I’ve had a lot of restless energy,” he says, having binge-watched The Real Housewives Of New York City in between doing lots of squats and “watching homoerotic YouTube workout videos”. It’s not quite the normal build-up to a game-changing drama, but is there a better way to remember peacetime than watching a show filled with period pieces such as “friends drink indoors” or “strangers have guiltless sex at a house party”? It’s A Sin is both a masterpiece and a reminder that someday we will, once again, be able to be eaten out by hot men. “You’re so welcome,” Alexander says, laughing. “If I can bring anything to the British public, it’s a lesson in anal hygiene.”

Anal hygiene are two words we have probably never published together in GQ, but, more importantly, are probably not the subject of many – if any! – scenes in a piece of media not uploaded to OnlyFans. They are, however, the subject of a crucial scene in the first episode of It’s A Sin, in which Alexander’s character – an 18-year-old fledgling queer from the Isle Of Wight called Ritchie Tozer – gets rimmed by his campus crush, Ash Mukherjee (Nathaniel Curtis). No gay men watching came out of that scene not feeling seen and, like all the other sex scenes in It’s A Sin, it feels deeply realistic and fantastically homosexual.

“I can tell you I’ll never forget being practically butt-naked with my arse in the air in front of colleagues,” says Alexander, laughing. But by that point, he says, he had done so many sex scenes that it felt somewhat rote. “‘Ritchie’s got a dirty bum! Stick that arse in the air and look disappointed!’” What was interesting, he says, was the dynamic of trying to produce the most authentically gay experiences possible on camera.

‘WE UNDERSTOOD THESE CHARACTERS WITH A KIND OF SHORTHAND THAT GAY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND’

They were working with Ita O’Brien – a movement director and arguably the OG intimacy coordinator – but, for her sins, not a gay man. So while everyone would have an input in how a sex scene would be best shot, “There came a point when they would say, ‘Please tell us, because we’re not gay men.’” So then the writer, the performers, the director and O’Brien’s team would come to a consensus on how to make a threesome look like three men shagging, yet also make it look the best it could on camera and make sure “you never touch each other’s genitals, basically”.

Alexander says O’Brien’s input was a “lifesaver” for him on set. Although by the end he felt comfortable, he was at first intimidated by just how exposing this would be. “I had a bit of a hysterical breakdown. I was really worried I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t feel safe.” This was interesting to hear from Alexander, the proudly queer frontman of the band Years & Years, who “spent four years on the road performing and finding this character that I do feel sexy in”. It was then that O’Brien and the team asked him to bring whatever made him feel comfortable on stage into the room before the cameras rolled. “So I would sing before the takes, be a little bit of Olly on stage,” he says, laughing. “That was my way of tricking my brain and thinking it was a character. Which, of course, it was.”

Before he was Olly Alexander, consummate gamine artiste, Olly Alexander Thornton was a singled-out kid at a primary school in Gloucestershire (where his mother ran a music festival). He was, like many other gay kids growing up, bullied and harassed for being something “other”, which everyone is able to see long before you can define it yourself. “I remember being in primary school and I had long hair and people would call me a girl,” he says, and the wound still feels raw when he recounts it.

“I knew that was bad for boys. I didn’t like the things that other boys liked: I just wanted to play with the girls and watch Disney movies. Which obviously straight boys do as well,” he mentions, always making sure to provide caveats to include all facets of the human experience. Although the bullying began to subside by secondary school in Monmouthshire, he still stood out: he had big curly hair – “I was trying to hide my ears” – and would wear make-up or a choker sometimes on nonuniform days. “I think I was trying to figure out who I was,” he says. “Imagine getting to discover your own sexuality without any preconceived ideas! I mean, maybe that’s impossible. But it would be nice, right? Why should people bullying you be your first brush with your own sexuality?”

Like Ritchie Tozer, Alexander moved to London at 18 to pursue acting, but he also had designs on becoming a musician. “Because when you’re writing a song, you’re the director, the star, the producer, the writer. I wanted all of that! I needed that to be able to express myself,” he proclaims with faux hysteria. For years he found success as an actor in a diverse selection of roles: he appeared in Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void, costarred with seemingly every other white British actor in The Riot Club and also in God Help The Girl, a musical film written by Belle And Sebastian’s Stuart Murdoch. “Then Years & Years just got to a place where it was going to take over and needed my full time,” Alexander says. So his focus moved to the music.

‘IMAGINE DISCOVERING YOUR SEXUALITY WITHOUT ANY PRECONCEIVED IDEAS!’

It was on their third single, “Real” – released in 2014 – that Alexander first felt his art and his sexuality really intermingle. “It was the first time I put in a male pronoun – I say ‘Do it, boy’ – and it’s quite subtle, but it was a big deal for me at the time.” This was when Years & Years were trying to get signed to a major label, so doing something so consciously queer felt like a risk (the band went on to sign with Polydor later that year).

While pop music has long had an element of queerness about it – you need only look at the artists featured in It’s A Sin to see how gay 1980s pop was – Alexander has long been frank that sexuality and success are not always seen as natural bedfellows. At a Stonewall event in 2018 he recounted being told during his media training, “Maybe it’s better not to say anything about your sexuality at all.” In the same year, he told NME there had been progress, but that “I just know there are people who are hiding their sexuality, so it’s still not gone completely”.

Alexander doubled down on it with the music video – featuring his Bright Star costar Ben Whishaw – where he “purposefully made it gay. There’s a cruising element to the very beginning. It’s slightly ambiguous, though, because back then I wasn’t quite ready to launch into being the gay crusader I think I am now.” In 2015 the band won the BBC’s Sound Of 2015 poll, releasing their first album, Communion, the same year. It became 2015’s fastest-selling debut album from a UK-signed band.

‘I JUST WATCHED LIAM PAYNE TAKE HIS TOP OFF, BUT NOW I’M NOT ALLOWED TO?’

But despite the success, and the realisation that audiences were either supportive of – or simply unfazed by – the queerness of Years & Years’ music, there is always an anxiety for Alexander about just how accepting people are willing to be. “I’ll tell you for real,” says Alexander, “I go out on stage – even if it’s for our own audience – and I’m like, ‘What if some of them don’t like me? What if some of them have an issue with me today?’ I always feel like I’m going to try a bit harder next time, try to do a bit more.”

While the character of “Olly Alexander, Years & Years frontman” is one that bespangles its performer with confidence, being queer in the music industry isn’t always an easy thing to navigate. He remembers seeing a tweet from someone who said Alexander’s sexuality was a ruse to try to attract the pink pound – a term for the spending power of gay men – “And it had an impact on me, because I’ve consciously tried to [be openly gay] in a lot of circumstances where I wouldn’t normally. And then for someone...” He tries to think of how to put it and comes up short. “It can chip away at you.”

He wouldn’t change a thing about his success, he says, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when it isn’t hard to be out and proud while also getting your foot in the door. “When we’re playing a pop music festival, I’m looking at the other acts in the lineup and there aren’t that many gay people on them,” he says. “You see how quickly your show isn’t family friendly any more because I want to take my top off and I’m like, ‘Well, I just watched Jason Derulo and Liam Payne take their tops off and have all these women in underwear, but now I’m not allowed?’ What do you do with that?”

It’s A Sin marks a return to acting but, also, a chance to refresh Alexander’s musical batteries too. Following Years & Years’ second album – 2018’s Palo Santo – the third album was proving hard to pin down. “I’ve been trying to make this album for about 18 months at this point, stopping and starting, listening to all the songs and... it’s just not feeling relevant any more.” Alexander had always loved Russell T Davies’ work, so when he heard Davies was making a new TV show he “had to be in it. I would just jump at the chance to work with him. And that was before I read the script.” Years & Years had just finished touring Palo Santo and, to Alexander, it felt like the stars had aligned.

While the anxiety of performing queer sex scenes might have been particularly exposing for a gay man like Alexander, there were huge benefits for him being in a cast and crew that were predominantly LGBTQ+. “It was a revelation. I’ve never been on a set with so many queer people. I’ve never even worked with a gay director, so it was a completely new experience.” Plus, being asked to play part of a group of gay best friends, portrayed predominantly by gay actors, meant the chemistry came very quickly: “We understood these characters [with a] kind of shorthand that gay people understand.”

An inclusive, comfortable environment was beneficial for more than just sex scenes and simulating a decade of friendship. It’s A Sin also required its cast to grapple with the issue of HIV and aids, not just as a part of the furniture – as we do in the 21st century, with our knowledge of viral loads, sleeping with undetectable partners and new medications such as Prep – but really putting a forgotten part of British queer history under the lens, who it affected and how it changed the LGBTQ+ community irrevocably. “It’s an issue that is deeply surrounded by stigma and there’s a lot of trauma there and a lot of fear,” Alexander explains. “I know, personally, it was an area that I was scared to really engage with.”

He mentions that just before filming he made friends with an older gay couple at his gym and in talking about the show with them he was offered a rare opportunity to hear about personal experiences of the aids crisis. “It can be so difficult as a gay person to feel like you have intergenerational support,” says Alexander. “Elders are so important in our community. You can get so much from the people who have gone through so much before and fought that fight.”

For Alexander and the cast, It’s A Sin was a rare opportunity: a chance to be brought together with a whole group of men and women who were there at the time and who were willing to share their experiences with them. “I feel so lucky that I got to engage with that and keep learning. I was just scratching the surface and there are so many stories you can tell from this period. It’s impacted us all the way until now and it will in the future.”

Starring in It’s A Sin has also changed what Years & Years’ third album is going to sound like. After the initial writer’s block, Alexander says, he focused instead on the music of the show (Bronski Beat, Kelly Marie, the titular song by Pet Shop Boys) “and it really took my mind back to the club” – especially in the midst of a pandemic, when the queer nightlife venues that are the backbone of our community are so desperately missed.

“All the music I wanted to listen to in lockdown was high energy. It was dance floor. It was club music.” This was the music that had played such a huge role in his early life in London, had inspired the first Years & Years album and a genre that owes a great debt to the LGBTQ+ community. “I think at their heart, lots of these songs are about joy despite crushing pain. I just thought, ‘God, imagine hearing “I Feel Love” on the dance floor for the first time.’ What a transcendent experience that would be.”

‘ELDERS ARE SO IMPORTANT IN OUR COMMUNITY. YOU CAN GET SO MUCH FROM THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT THAT FIGHT’

And so Alexander went into the studio – as soon as it was safe to do so – and created a bunch of new songs. Is it easy to find collaborators behind the scenes who get it when he says, “I want it to feel like Britney meets Rihanna meets Hot Chip via New Order”?

“It can be a challenge to find someone that really understands,” admits Alexander. He recalled being sent round the songwriters and producers in Los Angeles that all artists are sent round at a certain point, “And some of those people are amazing – some amazing queer people as well – but predominantly... You know, they’re straight, so it can be quite challenging.”

Feeling safe with his collaborators hasn’t been an easy journey, but now he’s in a good place for it. He also pointed out that it’s not just queers who can understand his vision: his bandmates are straight, he points out – “I really believe in working with straight people! Some of my best friends are straight!” – and his frequent collaborator, the producer Mark Ralph, “is a real ally to us gays”, who was always willing to vibe along to Paris Hilton singles with him.

A new sound – a queerer sound – isn’t just a risk in a world where Alexander’s performances are held to double standards and the linchpins of queer culture can still be seen as synonymous with perversion. The impossible standards queer work is held to don’t just come from the straight world: gay men can be terrible recipients of work designed for them too.

Russell T Davies has dealt with it his entire career: “There’s the problem of lack of representation, but there’s the problem that when you are represented, it’s just not seen,” he explained when I spoke to him recently. “You just learn to cope. I worry about it. I probably worry about it more than I say here, but at the end of the day it’s never stopped me writing the next thing.” But he gets it because he, too, is a gay man who consumes art and he sees the same biases coming out when he watches other queer-centric work.

Yet he was amazed that artists younger than him are still dealing with the same crises: “It’s what comes with being a minority. It’s what comes of oppression and you kind of expect this to pass. But then you talk to young people like Olly, who’s a different generation from me, and you find them thinking the same things,” Davies said. “I was lucky to have my training during an age when you’d be lucky to get one review in the Times. Now you live in a world of reviewers.”

When I ask Alexander if he worries how gay men will respond to a gay artist’s work, it is no easier for him to respond than it was for Davies. “Oh, God, you’re making my heart race now,” he says, breathless. “I should be careful, because I don’t want to demonise anybody. But I tried to really unpack this myself and... I’ll just sort of say it.” It is clear that this is intense for him: his eyes are looking watery as he tries to phrase it delicately.

“I have this – I think irrational – anxiety about gay men tearing me down. And I tried to interrogate that within myself and I think it’s complicated, because a lot of it has to do with internalised phobias and shame, about how I see myself versus how other people see me.” He begins to cry. “What I do know is that I want them to not hate me. And I want to make the community proud. It’s been at the heart of pretty much every decision I’ve ever made. And I don’t know if I’ve always got it right.”

‘I HAVE THIS – I THINK IRRATIONAL – ANXIETY ABOUT GAY MEN TEARING ME DOWN’

It’s tough being an actor asked to shed light and humanity on a complex phase in British LGBTQ+ history; it’s just as tough to be a gay man trying to make pop music that speaks to the queer experience. But Alexander is doing both and, what’s more, he’s being unapologetically queer in the public eye. There aren’t many LGBTQ+ people in the position Alexander is in and it must be exhausting, I suggest, to be expected to speak for the needs and fears of an entire spectrum of sexual and gender identities. After all, he’s just one man who wants to be proud of who he is. “Sometimes, when I feel the most anxious, I have a voice in my head that goes, ‘Oh, Olly, why on earth did you put yourself in this position? You really are not the strong person people think you are.’” But, he says, he is learning he can’t speak for everyone, even if people expect it of him.

Instead, he’s focusing on being proud of what he’s done – the visibility, the audacity, the bravery – rather than the critique of his anxieties or Twitter trolls. “I’m always thinking about me as a teenager and how I’m creating the person I wanted to be in the world. I’m actually doing it! Holy fuck!”

[louiserandom]

I hear someone is taking prompts! How about MadaTobi, for whatever reason is most hilarious to you, getting stuck in a bathtub together.

creativity in times of crisis

Rating: M

Summary: Madara and Tobirama are stuck in a bathtub together.

It’s all their stupid brothers’ fault.

Read on AO3 or under the cut :3

“This,” Madara hisses, “is all your brother’s fault.”

“And your brother’s idea,” Tobirama points out. “Mine just provided the means to carry it out.”

“Nothing you say is going to keep me from killing him with fire and then decapitating him,” Madara growls, testing the restraints, again, though it was pretty obvious after their tenth attempt that they weren’t going to get out of this unless they explicitly complied with Hashirama’s wishes. “And Izuna, for that matter. Who needs brothers anyway.”

Normally, Tobirama would roll his eyes at Madara’s dramatics and jest about the inherent stupidity and crudeness of his statement. Normally, though, he wasn’t tied to Madara with thick, apparently semi-conscious Mokuton vines keeping them back-to-back in a godsdamned bathtub as Izuna’s idea of putting him and Madara in a corner to think about what they’ve done.

They’ve literally done nothing—except shout for a bit, and possibly hit each other a few times, and maybe lead to the partial destruction of the central market with a couple of overpowered jutsu. Such things happen, though, and are easily fixable, as Tobirama knows all too well from his frequent lab accidents. But no, Izuna had to propose locking them up together until they apologized to each other, and Hashirama had to take it one step further and render them motionless.

In a bathtub.

Honestly, Hashirama’s overreaction is bordering on impolite and as such, Tobirama allows himself a bit of self-indulgence.

“Agreed,” he says, “and I’m not trying to quell your homicidal tendencies for once but do leave Anija to me.” Were the Mokuton vines not suppressing his chakra, Tobirama would have flooded the room with killing intent, but for now has to contend with vivid imagery of Hashirama’s suffering as a satisfying anticipation of vengeance. “What I don’t get is the redundancy of cremation and decapitation done in succession.”

“Hm. You’re right,” Madara actually agrees with him. Truly, an event worthy of the history books. “I’ll decapitate him, then burn him with my Majestic Destroyer Flame,” he says cheerfully. “Izuna, I mean. You can have the overgrown tree.”

As if in answer, the Mokuton squeezes them tighter, making them almost wheeze, before returning to its previous state.

“Dumbass Senju!” Madara bellows, as Tobirama utters a heartfelt, “Fuck you, Anija.”

A spark of what feels like derision radiates from the Mokuton before quickly flickering away.

Madara and Tobirama both groan.

“Maybe the Hiraishin can work?” Madara pleads.

“We’ve established that this thing blocks everything save for our sensing,” Tobirama says, sighing in frustration. “Besides, I’ve tried every which way to activate it. Anija is sneaky. He’s an idiot but still a shinobi.”

Tobirama feels the pangs of Madara’s anger as he broods for a few torturous minutes before blurting out,

“I’m still not apologizing first, because that was a dick move that you pulled, and you owe me one.”

“What a ‘dick move,’ Madara,” Tobirama’s voice leaks sarcasm, “to imply that you harbor affection for cats.”

“You didn’t imply shit.” Unable to learn his lesson, Madara thrashes against their bonds once more in an attempt to physically assault Tobirama, apparently. “You all but fucking cooed over me and made fun of me in public, Senju, and you compared me to a godsdamned kitten!”

Tobirama turns out for a part of the ensuing rant, wondering whether this talent of Madara’s to shout continuously for extended periods of time—all in a single breath, too—is an ability inherent to all Uchiha, or just him.

Probably the latter.

“My hair is nothing like that messy, spiky monstrosity on that fucking fluffball,” Madara goes on shrieking, “and I am not cute!”

That marks the end of his rant, and really, Tobirama would take offence if only at the fact that Madara dared call a perfectly adorable kitten a monstrosity.

“Did you really have to resort to fistfights and fireballs to argue that point, koibito?”

“Yes, and don’t you call me that until you beg for my forgiveness,” Madara grumbles, blessedly quieter this time.

Tobirama scoffs. “Deal with it however you wish, Uchiha, I stand by my words.”

Madara growls. “If anything, I am handsome.”

“Yes.”

There’s a pause.

“And beautiful, some might say,” Madara goes on, tone cautious.

“Of course, Madara.” Tobirama wouldn’t dream of arguing; he’s reminded of that fact every day as he awakens to Madara’s lovely smile.

“And… uhm… physically appealing—”

“Just say sexy, Madara. And yes, you are.”

“And,” Madara says, trying to shift against him but only making them tilt stiffly towards the wall, “definitely not cute. Just admit that, Senju, and it’ll do. And—ugh—I can’t glare at you. But know I am, in fact, glaring at you. With extreme disapproval.”

Tobirama can’t hold back a chuckle. “Fine, Madara, you aren’t cute,” he concedes, waiting just enough to hear Madara’s contented hum before saying, “you’re mind-meltingly adorable.”

“FUCK YOU, SENJU!” Madara’s peak volume is music to Tobirama’s ears. “I HATE YOU, YOU MASSIVE DICK!”

Tobirama can only do so much to keep his chuckles from turning into full-fledged laughter, and this finally breaks him. It’s a testament to how truly peaceful their lives have become in this village they’ve build, that they’re an hour into a ridiculous lockdown arguing about the level of Madara’s cuteness—or lack thereof.

Just two years ago, when the interclan war was still raging, this would have seemed impossible.

And yet, here they are.

“Mine’s getting hard,” Tobirama makes for a diversion. “You know it turns me on when you’re pissed off.”

“W-wh-what?”

Tobirama can only imagine the expression on Madara’s face. Priceless.

“I said—”

“I heard what you said, Senju!” Madara moves them an incremental bit again before sagging and giving up with an explosive sigh. “Not. The time.”

“Calmed you down, didn’t it?” Tobirama smirks.

“Fuck you.”

“I’d rather you do that.”

“Then apologize.”

And because Tobirama is never going to apologize for the truth, they both fall into belligerent silence.

“We’ll be stuck here forever, then,” Madara says some time later. “Dick.”

Because Tobirama is a man of his word, he stays silent, knowing his Anija would never actually let them die without food and water, at least. Too bad boredom might kill them far, far sooner.

“D��you think they’ve figured out,” Madara says suddenly, “that we realized we’ve been mistaking sexual tension for killing intent and aren’t seriously trying to maim each other these days?”

Tobirama attempts to shrug, unsuccessfully. “We’ve been careful. And the notion of fighting and liking each other at the same is definitely not something Anija can comprehend,” he laments. “Izuna may suspect something. After all, it would have been more logical to suggest locking us up separately, so we’d cool down quicker.”

“That bastard,” Madara mutters.

“Your brother,” Tobirama reminds him.

“And look what yours did!” Madara accuses in turn, making them sway a little. “I hate everything.”

Something clicks in Tobirama’s head.

“You know what,” he says, “you’re right. I should apologize.”

Ignoring Madara’s confused spluttering, Tobirama looks down to the vines wrapped around his arms and body, focusing all his attention and thoughts on them in hopes to convey what he wants.

“Uh, Anija’s Mokuton?” he starts, noting how the roots seem to stiffen as if in attention. “I’ve decided to apologize to Madara, and I believe it more productive to the, uh, apology process if I am able to do it face-to-face.” Tobirama praises himself for making it sound sincere. “As friends,” he adds.

The Mokuton vibrates with minute pulses of energy, as if considering his words, before unfurling a bit, even as it still keeps their limbs in its chakra-suppressing clutches and rearranges them so they’re sitting cross-legged facing each other.

The shock on Madara’s face is glorious to behold. As is the godawful (but still somehow appealing) tangled mess his mane had become from their scuffles.

“How?” Madara asks.

Tobirama has finally regained his ability to shrug. “Anija did say it’s partially sentient,” he says. The Mokuton sprouts another thin vine that pokes him in the chest, as if to remind him of his earlier decision. “Yeah, yeah, I remember,” Tobirama grumbles, swatting the vine away with his shoulder.

“Do you even realize,” Madara whispers, “how freaky that is?”

“Don’t insult it,” Tobirama chastises him, giving their restraints a worried glance and an apologetic smile. “Anyway, in the spirit of… the Magical Power of Hugs,” Tobirama invokes Hashirama’s sappy notion, “I would also love to be able to hug my.” He swallows heavily. “Friend.”

The Mokuton takes a longer time to think this time. Madara mouths, “Will this seriously work?” and Tobirama shushes him with a glare. Oblivious to the exchange, the Mokuton unceremoniously pushes them together into an awkward embrace.

Then, Tobirama seizes his chance and captures Madara’s lips with his.

They’re already pressed together with almost no space between them, blood still running hot from their fight, and enough hours have passed since their last bout of lovemaking for Tobirama’s arousal to ratchet up to aching in a matter of seconds. By the way Madara moans into the kiss, sliding his hands under Tobirama’s shirt and pulling him impossibly closer, he seems to be in a similar state.

Perfect, Tobirama thinks. Now he has to do is to wait for the Mokuton to process this…

Madara pulls away, almost forcefully withdrawing his hands to grip Tobirama’s shoulders, movements still somewhat restrained by the vines.

…but first, get Madara back on the right track.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Madara demands, breathing heavy and eyes glazed over.

“What does it look like?” Tobirama says, offering a smirk in place of an annoyed scowl. “Apologizing the best way I know how.”

“B-but,” Madara breathes, as Tobirama trails his fingers down his chest, down to palm the obvious bulge in his pants. “Uh. What.”

Tobirama huffs out a laugh. This ability to render his lover incoherent with a simple touch has long since become second nature. Granted, it works both ways, but Madara is, for some reason, much more prone to surprise attacks by seduction.

“Just trust me,” Tobirama says, leaning down to place a lingering, open-mouthed kiss on his lover’s neck, wrangling out a drawn-out whimper Madara would probably never admit to. “If you’d like me to stop, just say so, koibito.”

Madara doesn’t object to the endearment this time, and Tobirama counts that as a clear victory.

Tobirama shifts to place another kiss on the underside of his jaw, making quick work of divesting Madara of his pants so he can give his cock a firm stroke. This earns him a breathless moan from his lover—and no further complaints.

Good.

Madara drags him by the collar into another kiss, biting and sucking on Tobirama’s bottom lip as he fucks into his hand, getting just as lost in the pleasure as Tobirama feels. Hands, hot and demanding, run over Tobirama’s body, tugging at his clothes insistently, soon bordering on desperate. Madara’s cock grows rock hard under his touch, an enticing prize that makes Tobirama’s mouth water. It takes a monumental effort to keep track of the Mokuton that’s still twitching and twisting around their limbs with confused agitation, its grip getting weaker and weaker until—

Madara is busy sucking on one of Tobirama’s nipples, fingers toying with the other, when the vines grow stiff, then totally slack, and yank themselves away to all but fly over to the opposite corner. The motion throws them both off-balance, and Madara ends up sprawled on top of Tobirama as they scramble to untangle their limbs and get into a more or less comfortable position.

“What the—”

“It worked,” Tobirama says, smirking wider as the sound of Hashirama’s wail resounds through every single wall of the mansion.

“MADARA,” the idiot shrieks from somewhere in the distance, “NOT MY LITTLE BROTHER!”

Before Madara has the chance to yell back his retort, Tobirama Hiraishins them both to land on the softness of the futon back home, reeling Madara in to distract him from the ordeal with fervent kisses and wandering hands. Madara doesn’t seem to mind. 

He shifts his weight from hands to elbows, cradling them both with his hair, and deepens the kiss, it seems, with the sole intent of driving Tobirama mad with want. Madara moves with him, cock rubbing against his thigh as Tobirama thrusts back, chasing the delicious friction, his pants too tight, skin too hot, Madara’s touch not nearly enough.

“Good creative thinking back there,” Madara says as they break away for air before meeting once more for another bruising kiss.

“Do I get a reward then?” Tobirama asks, shivering with pleasure as Madara moves to mouth at his collarbone, sucking on the sensitive skin there.

“Oh yes,” Madara drawls, dragging his mouth down Tobirama’s chest to his hipbone with just the slightest hint of teeth. Finally, Madara frees his length, lips hovering over it, teasing, barely touching. Tobirama can’t quite hold back a groan. “I’ll show you how creative I can be.”

[blackkudos]

Janet Jackson

Janet Damita Jo Jackson (born May 16, 1966) is an American singer, songwriter, actress, and dancer. A prominent figure in popular culture, she is known for sonically innovative, socially conscious and sexually provocative records, and elaborate stage shows.

The tenth and youngest child of the Jackson family, she began her career with the variety television series The Jacksons in 1976 and went on to appear in other television shows throughout the 1970s and early 1980s, including Good Times, Diff'rent Strokes, and Fame. After signing a recording contract with A&M Records in 1982, she became a pop icon following the release of her third and fourth studio albums Control (1986) and Rhythm Nation 1814 (1989). Her collaborations with record producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis incorporated elements of rhythm and blues, funk, disco, rap and industrial beats, which led to crossover success in popular music.

In 1991, Jackson signed the first of two record-breaking multimillion-dollar contracts with Virgin Records, establishing her as one of the highest-paid artists in the industry. Her fifth album Janet (1993) saw her develop a public image as a sex symbol as she began to explore sexuality in her music. That same year, she appeared in her first starring film role in Poetic Justice, and has since continued to act in feature films. Jackson then released her sixth studio album The Velvet Rope (1997), which is distinguished for its innovative production and dark lyrical content. By the end of the 1990s, she was named by Billboard magazine as the second most successful recording artist of the decade after Mariah Carey. Her seventh album All for You (2001) coincided with a celebration of her impact on the recording industry as the inaugural MTV Icon. After parting ways with Virgin Records, she released her tenth album Discipline (2008), her first and only album with Island Records. In 2015, she partnered with BMG Rights Management to launch her own record label, Rhythm Nation, and released her eleventh album Unbreakable the same year.

Having sold over 100 million records, Jackson is one of the world's best-selling music artists of all time. She has amassed an extensive catalog, with singles such as "Nasty", "Rhythm Nation", "That's the Way Love Goes", "Together Again" and "All for You"; she holds the record for the most consecutive top-ten entries on the US Billboard Hot 100 singles chart by a female artist with 18. In 2008, Billboard placed her number seven on its list of the Hot 100 All-Time Top Artists, and in 2010 ranked her fifth among the "Top 50 R&B/Hip-Hop Artists of the Past 25 Years". In December 2016, the magazine named her the second most successful dance club artist of all-time after Madonna. She has been cited as an inspiration among numerous performers. Jackson was inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2019.

Life and career

1966–1985: Early life and career beginnings

Janet Jackson was born on May 16, 1966 in Gary, Indiana, the youngest of ten children, to Katherine Esther (née Scruse) and Joseph Walter Jackson. The Jacksons were lower-middle class and devout Jehovah's Witnesses, although Jackson would later refrain from organized religion. At a young age, her brothers began performing as the Jackson 5 in the Chicago-Gary area.

In March 1969, the group signed a record deal with Motown, and soon had their first number-one hit. The family then moved to the Encino neighborhood of Los Angeles. Jackson had initially desired to become a horse racing jockey or entertainment lawyer, with plans to support herself through acting. Despite this, she was anticipated to pursue a career in entertainment and considered the idea after recording herself in the studio.

At age seven, Jackson performed at the MGM Casino on the Las Vegas Strip. A biography revealed her father, Joseph Jackson, was emotionally withdrawn and told her to address him solely by his first name as a child. She began acting in the variety show The Jacksons in 1976.

In 1977, she was selected to have a starring role as Penny Gordon Woods in the sitcom Good Times. She later starred in A New Kind of Family and later got a recurring role on Diff'rent Strokes, portraying Charlene Duprey from seasons three to six. Jackson also played the role of Cleo Hewitt during the fourth season of Fame, but expressed indifference towards the series, largely due to the emotional stress of her secret marriage to R&B singer, James DeBarge. Jackson later elaborated on her time on the show in an interview with Anderson Cooper, revealing that the cast would occasionally play pranks on her, but she spoke fondly of them.

When Jackson was sixteen, her father and manager Joseph Jackson, arranged a contract for her with A&M Records. Her debut album, Janet Jackson, was released in 1982. It was produced by Angela Winbush, René Moore, Bobby Watson of Rufus and Leon Sylvers III, and overseen by her father Joseph. It peaked at No. 63 on the Billboard 200, and No. 6 on the publication's R&B albums chart, receiving little promotion. The album appeared on the Billboard Top Black Albums of 1983, while Jackson herself was the highest-ranking female vocalist on the Billboard Year-End Black Album Artists.

Jackson's second album, Dream Street, was released two years later. Dream Street reached No. 147 on the Billboard 200, and No. 19 on the R&B albums chart. The lead single "Don't Stand Another Chance" peaked at No. 9 on Billboard's R&B singles chart. Both albums consisted primarily of bubblegum pop music.

1986–1988: Control

After her second album, Jackson terminated business affairs with her family, commenting "I just wanted to get out of the house, get out from under my father, which was one of the most difficult things that I had to do." Attempting a third album, Jackson teamed with producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. They set out to achieve crossover pop appeal, while also creating a strong foundation within the urban market. Within six weeks, Jackson and the duo crafted her third studio album, Control, released in February 1986. The album shot to No. 1 on the Billboard 200, and was certified fivefold platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), selling over ten million copies worldwide.

Control was declared "remarkably nervy and mature" for a teenage act, also considered "an alternative to the sentimental balladry" which permeated radio, likening Jackson to Donna Summer's position of "unwilling to accept novelty status and taking her own steps to rise above it." The album spawned five top five singles, "What Have You Done for Me Lately", "Nasty", "When I Think of You", "Control", and "Let's Wait Awhile", and a top 15 hit with "The Pleasure Principle". "When I Think of You" became her first No. 1 hit on the Hot 100. Control received six Billboard Awards, including "Top Pop Singles Artist", and three Grammy nominations, most notably "Album of the Year". It also won four American Music Awards from twelve nominations, an unbroken record.

At this point, Jackson was successfully "shaking off the experience of being a shadow Jackson child", becoming "an artist in her own right". The album's lyrical content included several themes of empowerment, inspired by an incident of sexual harassment, with Jackson recalling "the danger hit home when a couple of guys started stalking me on the street and instead of running to Jimmy or Terry for protection, I took a stand. I backed them down. That's how songs like 'Nasty' and 'What Have You Done for Me Lately' were born, out of a sense of self-defense."

Its innovative fusion of dance-pop and industrial music with hip-hop and R&B undertones influenced the development of the new jack swing genre by bridging the gap between the latter two styles. The accompanying music videos shot for the album's singles became popular on MTV, and obtained a then-unknown Paula Abdul a recording contract for her choreography work with Jackson. Billboard stated "[Jackson's] accessible sound and spectacularly choreographed videos were irresistible to MTV, and helped the channel evolve from rock programming to a broader, beat-driven musical mix."

1989–1992: Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814

Jackson released her fourth album, Rhythm Nation 1814, in September 1989. Although her record label desired a direct sequel to Control, Jackson chose to include a socially conscious theme among various musical styles. She stated, "I know an album or a song can't change the world. I just want my music and my dance to catch the audience's attention, and to hold it long enough for them to listen to the lyrics." The album's central theme of unity was developed in response to various crimes and tragedies reported in the media.

Peaking at No. 1 on the Billboard 200, the album was certified sixfold platinum by the RIAA and sold over 12 million copies worldwide. Rolling Stone observed Jackson's artistic growth shifted from "personal freedom to more universal concerns—injustice, illiteracy, crime, drugs—without missing a beat." The album was also considered "the exclamation point on her career", consisting of a "diverse collection of songs flowing with the natural talent Jackson possesses", which effectively "expanded Janet's range in every conceivable direction", being "more credibly feminine, more crucially masculine, more viably adult, more believably childlike." With singles "Miss You Much", "Rhythm Nation", "Escapade", "Alright", "Come Back to Me", "Black Cat" and "Love Will Never Do (Without You)", it became the only album in history to produce number one hits in three separate calendar years, as well as the only album to achieve seven top five singles on the Hot 100.

Famous for its choreography and warehouse setting, the "Rhythm Nation" video is considered one of the most iconic and popular in history, with Jackson's military ensemble also making her a fashion icon. The video for "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" is notable for being the first instance of Jackson's transition into sexual imagery and midriff-baring style, becoming her trademark. Rhythm Nation 1814 became the highest selling album of 1990, winning a record fifteen Billboard Awards. The long-form "Rhythm Nation" music video won a Grammy Award.

Jackson's Rhythm Nation World Tour 1990 became the most successful debut tour in history and set a record for the fastest sell-out of Japan's Tokyo Dome. She established the "Rhythm Nation Scholarship," donating funds from the tour to various educational programs. As Jackson began her tour, she was acknowledged for the cultural impact of her music. Joel Selvin of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote "the 23-year-old has been making smash hit records for four years, becoming a fixture on MTV and a major role model to teenage girls across the country", and William Allen, then-executive vice president of the United Negro College Fund, told the Los Angeles Times, "Jackson is a role model for all young people to emulate and the message she has gotten to the young people of this country through the lyrics of 'Rhythm Nation 1814' is having positive effects."

She also received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in recognition of her impact on the recording industry and philanthropic endeavors. The massive success experienced by Jackson placed her in league with Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Tina Turner for her achievements and influence. Ebony magazine remarked: "No individual or group has impacted the world of entertainment as have Michael and Janet Jackson," arguing that despite many imitators, few could surpass Jackson's "stunning style and dexterity."

With her recording contract under A&M Records fulfilled in 1991, she signed a multimillion-dollar deal with Virgin Records—estimated between thirty-two to fifty million dollars—making her the highest paid recording artist at the time. The recording contract also established her reputation as the "Queen of Pop." In 1992, Jackson provided guest vocals on Luther Vandross's "The Best Things in Life Are Free", becoming a top ten Billboard hit and reaching the top ten internationally.

1993–1996: Janet, Poetic Justice, and Design of a Decade

Jackson's fifth studio album Janet, was released in May 1993. The record opened at number one on the Billboard 200, making Jackson the first female artist in the Nielsen SoundScan era to do so. Certified sixfold platinum by the RIAA, it sold over 14 million copies worldwide.

Janet spawned five singles and four promotional singles, receiving various certifications worldwide. The lead single "That's the Way Love Goes" won the Grammy Award for Best R&B Song and topped the Billboard Hot 100 for eight consecutive weeks. "Again" reached number one for two weeks, while "If" and "Any Time, Any Place" peaked in the top four. "Because of Love" and "You Want This" charted within the top ten.

The album experimented with a diverse number of genres, including contemporary R&B, deep house, swing jazz, hip hop, rock, and pop, with Billboard describing each as being "delivered with consummate skill and passion." Jackson took a larger role in songwriting and production than she did on her previous albums, explaining she found it necessary "to write all the lyrics and half of the melodies" while also speaking candidly about incorporating her sexuality into the album's content. Rolling Stone wrote "[a]s princess of America's black royal family, everything Janet Jackson does is important. Whether proclaiming herself in charge of her life, as she did on Control (1986), or commander in chief of a rhythm army dancing to fight society's problems (Rhythm Nation 1814, from 1989), she's influential. And when she announces her sexual maturity, as she does on her new album, Janet., it's a cultural moment."

In July 1993, Jackson made her film debut in Poetic Justice. While the film received mixed reviews, her performance was described as "beguiling" and "believably eccentric." Jackson's ballad "Again", which was written for the film, received Golden Globe and Academy Award nominations for "Best Original Song."

In September 1993, Jackson appeared topless on the cover of Rolling Stone, with her breasts covered by her then-husband, René Elizondo, Jr. The photograph is the original version of the cropped image used on the Janet album cover, shot by Patrick Demarchelier. The Vancouver Sun reported, "Jackson, 27, remains clearly established as both role model and sex symbol; the Rolling Stone photo of Jackson ... became one of the most recognizable, and most lampooned, magazine covers."

The Janet World Tour launched in support of the studio album garnered criticism for Jackson's lack of vocal proficiency and spontaneity, but earned critical acclaim for her showmanship. It was described as erasing the line between "stadium-size pop music concerts and full-scale theatrical extravaganzas."

During this time, her brother Michael was immersed in a child sex abuse scandal, of which he denied any wrongdoing. She provided moral support, defending her brother, and denied abuse allegations regarding her parents made by her sister La Toya.

She collaborated with Michael on "Scream", the lead single from his album HIStory, released 1995. The song was written by both siblings as a response to media scrutiny. It debuted at number five on the Hot 100 singles chart, becoming the first song ever to debut within the top five. Its music video, directed by Mark Romanek, was broadcast to approximately 64 million viewers and listed in Guinness World Records as the "Most Expensive Music Video Ever Made", costing $7 million. The clip won the 1996 Grammy Award for Best Short Form Music Video.

Jackson's first compilation album, Design of a Decade: 1986–1996, was released in 1995. It peaked at number three on the Billboard 200. The lead single, "Runaway", became the first song by a female artist to debut within the top ten of the Hot 100, reaching number three. Design of a Decade 1986/1996 was certified double platinum by the RIAA and sold ten million copies worldwide.

Jackson's influence in pop music continued to garner acclaim, as The Boston Globe remarked "If you're talking about the female power elite in pop, you can't get much higher than Janet Jackson, Bonnie Raitt, Madonna and Yoko Ono. Their collective influence ... is beyond measure. And who could dispute that Janet Jackson now has more credibility than brother Michael?"

Jackson renewed her contract with Virgin Records for a reported $80 million the following year. The contract established her as the then highest-paid recording artist in history, surpassing the recording industry's then-unparalleled $60 million contracts earned by Michael Jackson and Madonna.

1997–1999: The Velvet Rope

Jackson began suffering from severe depression and anxiety, leading her to chronicle the experience in her sixth album, The Velvet Rope, released October 1997. Jackson returned with a dramatic change in image, boasting vibrant red hair, nasal piercings, and tattoos. The album is primarily centered on the idea that everyone has an intrinsic need to belong. Aside from encompassing lyrics relating to social issues such as same-sex relationships, homophobia and domestic violence, it also contains themes of sadomasochism and is considered far more sexually explicit in nature than her previous release, Janet.

The record was hailed as "her most daring, elaborate and accomplished album" by The New York Times, while Billboard ranked it as "the best American album of the year and the most empowering of her last five." The album debuted at number one on the Billboard 200 and was certified triple platinum, selling over ten million worldwide.

The lead single "Got 'til It's Gone" was released in August 1997, featuring guest vocals from folk singer Joni Mitchell and rapper Q-Tip. The song's music video, depicting a pre-Apartheid celebration, won the Grammy Award for Best Short Form Music Video. "Together Again" became Jackson's eighth number-one hit on the Billboard Hot 100, placing her on par with Elton John, Diana Ross, and the Rolling Stones. It spent a record forty-six weeks on the Hot 100 and nineteen weeks on the United Kingdom's singles chart. It sold six million copies worldwide, becoming one of the best-selling singles of all time. "I Get Lonely" peaked at number three on the Hot 100, and received a Grammy nomination for Best Female R&B Vocal Performance. It was Jackson's eighteenth consecutive top ten hit, making her the only female artist to garner that achievement; and surpassed only by Elvis Presley and the Beatles.

Several other singles were released, including "Go Deep" and the ballad "Every Time", which was controversial for the nudity displayed in its music video. The album fully established Jackson as a gay icon for its themes regarding homosexuality and protesting homophobia. "Together Again", a "post-Aids pop song", and "Free Xone", considered "a paean to homosexuality" and an "anti-homophobia track", were praised for their lyrical context, in addition to Jackson's lesbian reinterpretation of Rod Stewart's "Tonight's the Night".

The Velvet Rope received an award for "Outstanding Music Album" at the 9th Annual GLAAD Media Awards and was honored by the National Black Lesbian and Gay Leadership Forum. A portion of the proceeds from "Together Again" were donated to the American Foundation for AIDS Research.

Jackson embarked on The Velvet Rope Tour, traveling to Europe, North America, Asia, Africa, New Zealand, and Australia. The tour received praise for its theatrics, choreography, and Jackson's vocal performance. It was likened to "the ambition and glamour of a Broadway musical", and exclaimed as "only fitting that the concert program credits her as the show's 'creator and director'."

The tour's HBO special, The Velvet Rope: Live in Madison Square Garden, garnered more than fifteen million viewers. It surpassed the ratings of all four major networks among viewers subscribed to the channel. The concert won an Emmy Award from a total of four nominations. Jackson donated a portion of the tour's sales to America's Promise, an organization founded by Colin Powell to assist disenfranchised youth.

As the tour concluded, Jackson lent guest vocals to several collaborations, including Shaggy's "Luv Me, Luv Me", used for the film How Stella Got Her Groove Back, as well as "Girlfriend/Boyfriend" with Teddy Riley's group Blackstreet, and "What's It Gonna Be?!" with Busta Rhymes. The latter two music videos are both among the most expensive music videos ever produced, with "What's It Gonna Be?!" becoming a number-one hit on the Billboard Hip-Hop Singles and Hot Rap Tracks charts, reaching the top three of the Hot 100.

Jackson also contributed the ballad "God's Stepchild" to the Down in the Delta soundtrack. Jackson recorded a duet with Elton John titled "I Know the Truth," included on the soundtrack to Elton John and Tim Rice's Aida. At the 1999 World Music Awards, Jackson received the Legend Award for "outstanding contribution to the pop industry". Billboard ranked Jackson as the second most successful artist of the decade, behind Mariah Carey.

2000–2003: Nutty Professor II: The Klumps and All for You

In July 2000, Jackson appeared in her second film, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, as the role of Professor Denise Gaines, opposite Eddie Murphy. Director Peter Segal stated "Janet Jackson was a natural fit, and an obvious choice." The film became her second to open at number one, grossing an estimated total of nearly $170 million worldwide. Jackson's single "Doesn't Really Matter", used for the film's soundtrack, became her ninth number-one single on the Hot 100.

Preceding the release of her seventh album, MTV honored Jackson with the network's inaugural "MTV Icon" ceremony, honoring her "significant contributions to music, music video and pop culture while tremendously impacting the MTV generation." The event paid tribute to Jackson's career and influence, including commentary from Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Aaliyah, and Jessica Simpson, and performances by 'N Sync, Pink, Destiny's Child, Usher, Buckcherry, Mýa, Macy Gray, and Outkast. The American Music Awards also honored Jackson with the Award of Merit for "her finely crafted, critically acclaimed and socially conscious, multi-platinum albums."

Jackson's seventh album, All for You, was released in April 2001. It opened at number one on the Billboard 200 with 605,000 copies sold, the highest first-week sales of her career, and among the highest first-week sales by a female artist in history. The album was a return to an upbeat dance style, receiving generally positive reception. Jackson received praise for indulging in "textures as dizzying as a new infatuation", in contrast to other artists attempting to "match the angularity of hip-hop" and following trends. All for You was certified double platinum by the RIAA and sold nine million copies worldwide.

The album's lead single, "All for You", debuted on the Hot 100 at number fourteen, setting a record for the highest debut by a single that was not commercially available. Jackson was titled "Queen of Radio" by MTV as the single made airplay history, being "added to every pop, rhythmic and urban radio station" within its first week. The song broke the overall airplay debut record with a first week audience of seventy million, debuting at number nine on the Radio Songs chart. It topped the Hot 100 for seven weeks, also reaching the top ten in eleven countries. The song received a Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording. "Someone to Call My Lover" peaked at number three on the Hot 100. Built around a sample of the iconic 1972 hit "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon, "Son of a Gun (I Betcha Think This Song Is About You)" featured Simon herself, along with Missy Elliott on remixes of the single.

In July 2001, Jackson embarked on the All for You Tour, which was also broadcast on a concert special for HBO watched by twelve million viewers. The tour traveled throughout the United States and Japan, although European and Asian dates were required to be canceled following the September 11 terrorist attacks. The Los Angeles Times complimented Jackson's showmanship. Richard Harrington of the Washington Post said Jackson's performance surpassed her contemporaries, but Bob Massy of Spin thought her dancers "threw crisper moves" and her supporting singers were mixed nearly as high, though declared "Janet cast herself as the real entertainment." Jackson donated a portion of the tour's proceeds to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America.

The following year, Jackson began receiving media attention for her rumored relationships with Justin Timberlake, actor Matthew McConaughey, and record producer Jermaine Dupri. Upon the release of Timberlake's debut solo album Justified, Jackson provided vocals on "(And She Said) Take Me Now" per Timberlake's request, with the song initially planned as a single. Jackson collaborated with reggae artist Beenie Man for the song "Feel It Boy", produced by the Neptunes.

2004–2005: Super Bowl XXXVIII controversy and Damita Jo

Jackson was chosen by the National Football League and MTV to perform at the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show in February 2004. She performed a medley of "All for You", "Rhythm Nation", and an excerpt of "The Knowledge" before performing "Rock Your Body" alongside surprise guest Justin Timberlake. As Timberlake sang the lyric "I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song", he tore open her costume, exposing her right breast to 140 million viewers.

Jackson issued an apology after the performance, saying that the incident was accidental and unintended, explaining that Timberlake was only meant to pull away a bustier and leave the red-lace bra intact. She commented, "I am really sorry if I offended anyone. That was truly not my intention ... MTV, CBS, the NFL had no knowledge of this whatsoever, and unfortunately, the whole thing went wrong in the end." Timberlake also issued an apology, calling the accident a "wardrobe malfunction." The incident became the most recorded and replayed moment in TiVo history, enticing an estimated 35,000 new subscribers. Jawed Karim has stated that the incident inspired the creation of YouTube, as he noted that it was difficult for him to find videos of the incident online.

It is regarded as one of the most controversial television events in history, and Jackson was later listed in Guinness World Records as the "Most Searched in Internet History" and the "Most Searched for News Item". CBS, the NFL, and MTV denied any knowledge of the incident and all responsibility for it. The Federal Communications Commission heavily fined all companies involved and continued an investigation for eight years, ultimately losing its appeal for a $550,000 fine against CBS.

Following the incident, CBS permitted Timberlake to appear at the 46th Grammy Awards ceremony but did not allow Jackson to attend, forcing her to withdraw after being scheduled as a presenter. The controversy halted plans for Jackson to star in the biographical film of singer and activist Lena Horne, which was to be produced by American Broadcasting Company. Horne was reportedly displeased by the incident, but Jackson's representatives stated that she withdrew from the project willingly. A Mickey Mouse statue wearing Jackson's iconic "Rhythm Nation" outfit was mantled at Walt Disney World theme park the previous year to honor her legacy, but it was removed following her controversial performance.

Jackson's eighth studio album Damita Jo was released in March 2004, titled after her middle name. It debuted at number two on the Billboard 200. The album received mixed to positive reviews, praising the sonic innovation of selected songs and Jackson's vocal harmonies, while others criticized its frequent themes of carnality. However, several critics' reviews focused on the Super Bowl incident, rather than critiquing the album itself. It was certified platinum by the RIAA within a month, and sold over three million copies worldwide.

The album's performance was affected by blacklisting from radio and music channels, in part at the behest of CBS CEO Les Moonves. Conglomerates involved in the boycott included Viacom and CBS, subsidiaries MTV, Clear Channel Communications, and Infinity Broadcasting, the latter two among the largest radio broadcasters. The blacklist was placed into effect preceding the release of Damita Jo and continued throughout the course of Jackson's following two albums. Entertainment conglomerate Viacom owns MTV, VH1, and many radio formats, and a senior executive commented that they were "absolutely bailing on the record. The pressure is so great, they can't align with anything related to Janet. The high-ups are still pissed at her, and this is a punitive measure."

Prior to the incident, Damita Jo was expected to outsell prior release All for You. Its three singles received positive reviews but failed to achieve high chart positions, although each was predicted to perform extremely well under different circumstances. Billboard reported that Damita Jo "was largely overshadowed by the Super Bowl fiasco.... The three singles it spawned were blacklisted by pop radio—they were also the album's biggest highlights".

For the album's promotion, Jackson appeared as a host on Saturday Night Live performing two songs, and she was also a guest star on the sitcom Will & Grace portraying herself. Jackson received several career accolades upon the album's release, including the "Legend Award" at the Radio Music Awards, "Inspiration Award" from the Japan Video Music Awards, "Lifetime Achievement Award" at the Soul Train Music Awards, and a Teen Choice Awards nomination for "Favorite Female."

In November 2004, she was honored as a role model by 100 Black Men of America, Inc. and presented with the organization's Artistic Achievement Award saluting "a career that has gone from success to greater success." The organization responded to criticism for honoring Jackson in light of the Super Bowl incident by saying that "an individual's worth can't be judged by a single moment in that person's life." In June 2005, she was honored with a Humanitarian Award by the Human Rights Campaign and AIDS Project Los Angeles as recognition for her involvement in raising money for AIDS charities.

2006–2007: 20 Y.O. and Why Did I Get Married?

Jackson began recording her ninth studio album, 20 Y.O., in 2005. She recorded with producers Dupri, Jam and Lewis for several months during the following year. The album's title was a reference to the two decades since the release of her breakthrough album Control, representing the album's "celebration of the joyful liberation and history-making musical style."

To promote the album, Jackson appeared in various magazines, and performed on the Today Show and Billboard Awards. Jackson's Us Weekly cover, revealing her slim figure after heavy media focus was placed on her fluctuations in weight, became the magazine's best-selling issue in history. 20 Y.O. was released in September 2006 and debuted at number two on the Billboard 200. The album received mixed reviews, with multiple critics chastising the production and involvement of Jermaine Dupri. Rolling Stone disagreed with the album's reference to Control, saying "If we were her, we wouldn't make the comparison."

Jackson's airplay and music channel blacklist remained persistent, massively affecting her chart performance and exposure. However, lead single "Call on Me", which featured rapper Nelly, peaked at number twenty-five on the Hot 100, number one on the Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart, and number six in the United Kingdom. The video for the album's second single, "So Excited", was directed by Joseph Kahn and portrayed Jackson's clothes disappearing through a complex dance routine.

20 Y.O. was certified platinum by the RIAA and sold 1.5 million worldwide, also receiving a Grammy nomination for Best Contemporary R&B Album.After the album's release, Dupri was condemned for his production and misguidance of the album, and subsequently was removed from his position at Virgin Records. Slant Magazine stated, "After promising a return to Janet's dance-pop origins, [Dupri] opted to aim for urban audiences, a colossal mistake that cost Dupri his job and, probably, Janet her deal with Virgin."

Jackson was ranked the seventh richest woman in the entertainment industry by Forbes, having amassed a fortune of over $150 million. In 2007, she starred opposite Tyler Perry as a psychotherapist in the film Why Did I Get Married?. It became her third consecutive film to open at number one at the box office, grossing $60 million in total. Jackson's performance was praised for its "soft authority", though also described as "charming, yet bland".

2008–2009: Discipline and Number Ones

Jackson signed with Island Records after her contract with Virgin was fulfilled. She interrupted plans for touring and began recording with various producers, including Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins, Tricky Stewart, and Stargate. Her tenth studio album, Discipline, was released in February 2008, opening at number one. Despite radio blacklisting, the album's first single "Feedback" peaked at number nineteen on the Hot 100 and nine on Pop Songs, her highest charting single since "Someone to Call My Lover".

Also in February 2008, Jackson won an Image Award for "Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture" for the role. Jackson was also approached to record the lead single for the film Rush Hour 3. Jackson was awarded the Vanguard Award at the 19th annual GLAAD Media Awards, honoring her contributions in promoting equal rights among the gay community. The organization's president commented, "Ms. Jackson has a tremendous following inside the LGBT community and out, and having her stand with us against the defamation that LGBT people still face in our country is extremely significant."

Jackson's fifth concert tour, the Rock Witchu Tour, began in September 2008. Jackson parted with Island Records through mutual agreement. Billboard disclosed Jackson was dissatisfied with LA Reid's handling of the album and its promotion, saying "the label agreed to dissolve their relationship with the artist at her request." Producer Rodney Jerkins expressed "I felt like it wasn't pushed correctly.... She just didn't get her just-do as an artist of that magnitude."

In June 2009, Jackson's brother Michael died at age fifty. She spoke publicly concerning his death at the 2009 BET Awards, stating "I'd just like to say, to you, Michael is an icon, to us, Michael is family. And he will forever live in all of our hearts. On behalf of my family and myself, thank you for all of your love, thank you for all of your support. We miss him so much." In an interview, she revealed she had first learned of his death while filming Why Did I Get Married Too?.

Amidst mourning with her family, she focused on work to deal with the grief, avoiding any news coverage of her sibling's death. She commented, "it's still important to face reality, and not that I'm running, but sometimes you just need to get away for a second." During this time, she ended her seven-year relationship with Jermaine Dupri.

Several months later, Jackson performed a tribute to Michael at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, performing their duet "Scream". MTV stated "there was no one better than Janet to anchor it and send a really powerful message." The performance was lauded by critics, with Entertainment Weekly affirming the rendition "as energetic as it was heartfelt".

Jackson's second hits compilation, Number Ones (retitled The Best for international releases), was released in November 2009. For promotion, she performed a medley of hits at the American Music Awards, Capital FM's Jingle Bell Ball at London's O2 arena, and The X-Factor. The album's promotional single "Make Me", produced with Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins, debuted in September. It became Jackson's nineteenth number one on the Hot Dance Club Songs chart, making her the first artist to have number-one singles in four separate decades.

Later that month, Jackson chaired the inaugural benefit of amfAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research, held in Milan in conjunction with fashion week. The foundation's CEO stated "We are profoundly grateful to Janet Jackson for joining amfAR as a chair of its first event in Milan.... She brings incomparable grace and a history of dedication to the fight against AIDS." The event raised a total of $1.1 million for the nonprofit organization.

2010–2014: Film projects and True You

In April 2010, Jackson reprised her role in the sequel to Why Did I Get Married? titled Why Did I Get Married Too?. The film opened at number two, grossing sixty million in total. Jackson's performance was hailed as "invigorating and oddly funny", and praised for her "willingness to be seen at her most disheveled". Her performance earned an Image Award for "Outstanding Actress in a Motion Picture". Jackson recorded the film's theme, "Nothing", released as a promotional single. The song was performed on the ninth season finale of American Idol along with "Again" and "Nasty".

In July, Jackson modeled for the Blackglama clothing line featuring mink fur, which was criticized by the animal rights organisation PETA. Jackson then helped design a signature line of clothing and accessories for Blackglama, to be sold at Saks Fifth Avenue and Bloomingdales. Universal Music released the hits compilation Icon: Number Ones as the debut of the Icon compilation series.

In November 2010, Jackson starred as Joanna in the drama For Colored Girls, the film adaptation of Ntozake Shange's 1975 play For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. The Wall Street Journal stated Jackson "recites verses written by Ntozake Shange, the author of the play that inspired the film ... But instead of offering up a mannered coffeehouse reading of the lines, Jackson makes the words sound like ordinary—though very eloquent—speech." Jackson's portrayal the film was likened to Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. Her performance earned Black Reel Awards nominations in the categories of Outstanding Supporting Actress and Outstanding Ensemble.

Jackson announced plans to embark on her largest world tour in support of her second hits collection, Number Ones. The tour, entitled Number Ones, Up Close and Personal, held concerts in thirty-five global cities, selected by fans who submitted suggestions on her official website. During the tour, Jackson performed thirty-five number one hits and dedicated a song to each city. Mattel released a limited-edition Barbie of Jackson titled "Divinely Janet", auctioned for over $15,000, with proceeds donated to Project Angel Food.

Jackson released the self-help book True You: A Journey to Finding and Loving Yourself in February 2011, co-written with David Ritz. It chronicled her struggle with weight and confidence, also publishing letters from fans. It topped The New York Times' Best Seller list the following month. Additionally, she signed a film production contract with Lions Gate Entertainment to "select, develop and produce a feature film for the independent studio."

Jackson became the first female pop singer to perform at the I. M. Pei glass pyramid at the Louvre Museum, raising contributions for the restoration of iconic artwork. Jackson was selected to endorse fashion line Blackglama for a second year, being the first celebrity in the line's history chosen to do so. She partnered with the label to release a fifteen-piece collection of luxury products.

In 2012, Jackson endorsed Nutrisystem, sponsoring their weight-loss program after struggling with weight fluctuations in the past. With the program, she donated ten million dollars in meals to the hungry. She was honored by amfAR for her contributions to AIDS research when chairing the Cinema Against AIDS gala during the Cannes Film Festival. She also participated in a public service announcement for UNICEF to help starving children.

2015–2019: Unbreakable and concert residency

On May 16, 2015, Jackson announced plans to release a new album and to embark on a world concert tour. She outlined her intention to release her new album in the fall of 2015 under her own record label, Rhythm Nation, distributed by BMG Rights Management. The launch of Rhythm Nation established Jackson as one of the few African-American female musicians to own a record label.

On June 15, 2015, Jackson announced the first set of dates for the North American leg of her Unbreakable World Tour. On June 22, the lead single "No Sleeep" was released from the album. Jackson's solo version of the single debuted on the Hot 100 at number 67, marking her 40th entry on the chart. The song went to number 1 on the Billboard + Twitter Trending 140 immediately following the release. The album version featuring J. Cole enabled it to re-enter the Hot 100 with a new peak position at number 63, while also topping the Adult R&B Songs chart.

BET presented Jackson with their inaugural Ultimate Icon: Music Dance Visual award at the BET Awards 2015, which also featured a dance tribute to her performed by Ciara, Jason Derulo and Tinashe. It was announced she would launch a luxury jewelry line called the "Janet Jackson Unbreakable Diamonds collection," a joint venture between herself and Paul Raps New York. On August 20, she released a preview of a new song "The Great Forever," while also confirming the title of her eleventh studio album as Unbreakable.

Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis stated that Jackson's concept for the album was developed simultaneously with the accompanying tour's production and that its composition will differ from the majority of her catalog. They also stated that the album's theme reflects "being able to be vulnerable and to be able to withstand what comes to you," drawing on Jackson's experiences over the past several years. The album's title track "Unbreakable" was released on September 3, 2015, debuting on Apple Music's Beats 1 radio station, hosted by Ebro Darden. The album was also made available for pre-order on iTunes the same day. "Burnitup!" featuring Missy Elliott debuted on BBC Radio 1 on September 24, 2015. Unbreakable was released on October 2, 2015. It received largely positive reviews, including those by The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, USA Today, Los Angeles Times, and The Guardian. The following week, Jackson received her first nomination to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Her album debuted at number one on the Billboard 200, becoming her seventh album to top the chart in the United States.

On April 6, 2016, Jackson announced that she was "planning her family" with husband Wissam Al Mana, resulting in her postponing her tour. On May 1, 2017, Jackson announced she would resume her Unbreakable World Tour, now known as the State of the World Tour. The revamped tour launched on September 7, 2017. Refocusing the tour's theme to reflect socially conscious messages from Jackson's entire music catalog, a number of songs selected for the concert set list along with corresponding imagery depicted on stage address racism, white supremacy, fascism, xenophobia and police brutality. The tour opened to positive critical reception, with several commentators praising Jackson's post-pregnancy physical fitness, showmanship and socially conscious messages.

Her emotional rendition of "What About", a song about domestic violence originally recorded for The Velvet Rope, drew media attention highlighting her recent separation from her husband; Jackson's brother Randy alleges she suffered verbal abuse by Al Mana which contributed to the breakdown of their marriage. Proceeds from the concert of September 9, 2017 at the Toyota Center in Houston, Texas were donated to relief efforts supporting evacuees of Hurricane Harvey. Jackson met with Houston mayor Sylvester Turner and evacuees at the George R. Brown Convention Center prior to the performance. In May 2018, it was announced that Jackson would received the Billboard Icon Award at the 2018 Billboard Music Awards. In an interview for Billboard magazine, Jackson revealed that she was currently working on new music. On August 16, 2018, it was announced that Jackson and Rhythm Nation had entered into a partnership with Cinq Music. The next day, Jackson released the single "Made for Now", a collaboration with Daddy Yankee.

In October 2018, she received her third nomination for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. On December 13, 2018, Jackson was announced as one of the seven inductees of the 2019 class of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

On February 26, 2019, Jackson announced a four-month Las Vegas residency entitled Metamorphosis. The initial schedule comprised fourteen shows at the Park Theater at Park MGM resort; three additional shows were announced in May. In September and November 2019 Jackson performed a series of concerts in support of the 30th anniversary of the Rhythm Nation album in Welch Treasure Island Resort & Casino, San Francisco and Hawaii. In 2019, Jackson played a variety of festivals in the US and abroad, including The Glastonbury Festival.

On June 25, 2019, The New York Times Magazine listed Janet Jackson among hundreds of artists whose material was reportedly destroyed in the 2008 Universal fire.

2020: Black Diamond

On February 10, 2020, Jackson announced her upcoming Black Diamond World Tour as well as her upcoming twelfth studio album Black Diamond due sometime in 2020.

Artistry

Music and voice

Jackson has a mezzo-soprano vocal range. Over the course of her career, she has received frequent criticism for the limits of her vocal capabilities, especially in comparison to contemporary artists such as Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. In comparing her vocal technique to Houston and Aretha Franklin, vocal coach Roger Love states that "[w]hen Janet sings, she allows a tremendous amount of air to come through. She's obviously aiming for a sexy, sultry effect, and on one level that works nicely. But actually, it's fairly limited." He adds that while her voice is suitable for studio recording, it doesn't translate well to stage because despite having "great songs, incredible dancing, and her star like presence, the live show is still magnificent. But the voice is not the star."

Biographer David Ritz commented, "on Janet's albums—and in her videos and live performances, which revealed a crisp, athletic dance technique [...] singing wasn't the point," saying emphasis was placed on "her slamming beats, infectious hooks, and impeccable production values." Eric Henderson of Slant magazine claimed critics opposing her small voice "somehow missed the explosive 'gimme a beat' vocal pyrotechnics she unleashes all over 'Nasty' ... Or that they completely dismissed how perfect her tremulous hesitance fits into the abstinence anthem 'Let's Wait Awhile'." Classical composer Louis Andriessen has praised Jackson for her "rubato, sense of rhythm, sensitivity, and the childlike quality of her strangely erotic voice." Several critics also consider her voice to often be enveloped within her music's production.

Music critic J. D. Considine noted "on albums, Jackson's sound isn't defined by her voice so much as by the way her voice is framed by the lush, propulsive production of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis." Wendy Robinson of PopMatters said "the power of Janet Jackson's voice does not lie in her pipes. She doesn't blow, she whispers ... Jackson's confectionary vocals are masterfully complemented by gentle harmonies and balanced out by pulsing rhythms, so she's never unpleasant to listen to."

Matthew Perpetus of Fluxblog suggested Jackson's vocal techniques as a study for indie rock music, considering it to possess "a somewhat subliminal effect on the listener, guiding and emphasizing dynamic shifts without distracting attention from its primal hooks." Perpetus added: "Her voice effortlessly transitions from a rhythmic toughness to soulful emoting to a flirty softness without overselling any aspect of her performance ... a continuum of emotions and attitudes that add up to the impression that we're listening to the expression of a fully-formed human being with contradictions and complexities."

Jackson's music has encompassed a broad range of genres. Her records from the 1980s have been described as being influenced by Prince, as her producers are ex-members of the Time. Sal Cinquemani wrote that in addition to defining Top 40 radio, she "gave Prince's Minneapolis sound a distinctly feminine—and, with songs like 'What Have You Done for Me Lately?,' 'Nasty,' 'Control,' and 'Let's Wait Awhile,' a distinctly feminist—spin."

On Control, Richard J. Ripani documented that she, Jam and Lewis had "crafted a new sound that fuses the rhythmic elements of funk and disco, along with heavy doses of synthesizers, percussion, sound effects, and a rap music sensibility." Author Rickey Vincent stated that she has often been credited for redefining the standard of popular music with the industrial-strength beats of the album. She is considered a trendsetter in pop balladry, with Richard Rischar stating "the black pop ballad of the mid-1980s had been dominated by the vocal and production style that was smooth and polished, led by singers Whitney Houston, Janet Jackson, and James Ingram."

Jackson continued her musical development by blending pop and urban music with elements of hip-hop in the nineties. This included a softer representation, articulated by lush, soulful ballads and up-tempo dance beats. She is described by music critic Greg Kot as "an artist who has reshaped the sound and image of rhythm and blues" within the first decade of her career. Critic Karla Peterson remarked that "she is a sharp dancer, an appealing performer, and as 'That's the Way Love Goes' proves—an ace pop-song writer." Selected material from the following decade has been viewed less favorably, as Sal Cinquemani comments "except for maybe R.E.M., no other former superstar act has been as prolific with such diminishing commercial and creative returns."

Jackson has changed her lyrical focus over the years, becoming the subject of analysis in musicology, African American studies, and gender studies. David Ritz compared Jackson's musical style to Marvin Gaye's, stating, "like Marvin, autobiography seemed the sole source of her music. Her art, also like Marvin's, floated over a reservoir of secret pain." Much of her success has been attributed to "a series of powerful, metallic grooves; her chirpy, multi-tracked vocals; and a lyrical philosophy built on pride and self-knowledge." Ritz also stated, "The mystery is the low flame that burns around the perimeters of Janet Jackson's soul. The flame feeds off the most highly combustible elements: survival and ambition, caution and creativity, supreme confidence and dark fear."

During the 1980s, her lyrics embodied self-actualization, feminist principles, and politically driven ideology. Gillian G. Gaar described Control as "an autobiographical tale about her life with her parents, her first marriage, and breaking free." Jessie Carney Smith wrote "with that album, she asserted her independence, individuality, and personal power. She challenged audiences to see her as a transformed person, from an ingénue to a grow-up, multi-talented celebrity." Referring to Rhythm Nation 1814 as an embodiment of hope, Timothy E. Scheurer wrote "It may remind some of Sly Stone prior to There's a Riot Going On and other African-American artists of the 1970s in its tacit assumption that the world imagined by Dr. King is still possible, that the American Dream is a dream for all people."

On Janet, Jackson began focusing on sexual themes. Shayne Lee wrote that her music over the following decade "brand[ed] her as one of the most sexually stimulating vocalists of the 1990s." Lilly J. Goren observed "Jackson's evolution from politically aware musician to sexy diva marked the direction that society and the music industry were encouraging the dance-rock divas to pursue." The Washington Post declared Jackson's public image over the course of her career had shifted "from innocence to experience, inspiring such carnal albums as 1993's 'Janet' and 1997's 'The Velvet Rope', the latter of which explored the bonds—figuratively and literally—of love and lust."

The song "Free Xone" from The Velvet Rope, which portrays same-sex relationships in a positive light, is described by sociologist Shayne Lee as "a rare incident in which a popular black vocalist explores romantic or sensual energy outside the contours of heteronormativity, making it a significant song in black sexual politics." During promotion for Janet, she stated "I love feeling deeply sexual—and don't mind letting the world know. For me, sex has become a celebration, a joyful part of the creative process."

Upon the release of Damita Jo, Jackon stated "Beginning with the earlier albums, exploring—and liberating—my sexuality has been an ongoing discovery and theme," adding "As an artist, that's not only my passion, it's my obligation." Stephen Thomas Erlewine has found Jackson's consistent inclusion of sex in her music lacking ingenuity, especially in comparisons to other artists such as Prince, stating "while sex indisputably fuels much great pop music, it isn't an inherently fascinating topic for pop music—as with anything, it all depends on the artist."

Videos and stage

Jackson drew inspiration for her music videos and performances from musicals she watched in her youth, and was heavily influenced by the choreography of Fred Astaire and Michael Kidd, among others. Throughout her career, she has worked with and brought numerous professional choreographers to prominence, such as Tina Landon, Paula Abdul, and Michael Kidd. Veronica Chambers declared, "Her impact on pop music is undeniable and far-reaching," adding, "A quick glance at the Billboard chart reveals any number of artists cast in the Janet Jackson mold." Chambers observed numerous videos which "features not only Ms. Jackson's dancers but choreography and sets remarkably like those she has used."

Janine Coveney of Billboard observed that "Jackson's musical declaration of independence [Control] launched a string of hits, an indelible production sound, and an enduring image cemented by groundbreaking video choreography and imagery that pop vocalists still emulate." Ben Hogwood of MusicOMH applauded the "huge influence she has become on younger pretenders to her throne," most notably Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera. Qadree EI-Amin remarked that many pop artists "pattern their performances after Janet's proven dance-diva persona." Beretta E. Smith-Shomade wrote that "Jackson's impact on the music video sphere came largely through music sales successes, which afforded her more visual liberties and control. This assuming of control directly impacted the look and content of her music videos, giving Jackson an agency not assumed by many other artists—male or female, Black or White."

Parallel Lines: Media Representations of Dance (1993) documents that her videos have often been reminiscent of live concerts or elaborate musical theater. However, in her 30-minute Rhythm Nation 1814 film, Jackson utilizes street dancing techniques in contrast to traditional choreography. The group dynamic visually embodies a gender neutral equality, with Jackson "performing asexually and anonymously in front of, but as one of the members of the group." Her music videos have also contributed to a higher degree of sexual freedom among young women, with Jackson "heavily implying male-on-female oral sex in music videos by pushing down on a man's head until he's in exactly the right position." However, accusations of cosmetic surgery, skin lightening, and increasingly hypersexual imagery have led to her being viewed as conforming to a white, male-dominated view of sexuality, rather than liberating herself or others.

Jackson received the MTV Video Vanguard Award for her contributions to the art form, and she became the first recipient of the MTV Icon tribute, celebrating her impact on the music industry as a whole. In 2003, Slant Magazine named "Rhythm Nation" and "Got 'til It's Gone" among the 100 Greatest Music Videos of all time, ranked at number 87 and number 10, respectively. In 2011, "Rhythm Nation" was voted the tenth best music video of the 1980s by Billboard.

Independent Journalist Nicholas Barber stated "Janet's concerts are the pop equivalent of a summer blockbuster movie, with all the explosions, special effects, ersatz sentimentality, gratuitous cleavage and emphasis on spectacle over coherence that the term implies."Jet magazine reported "Janet's innovative stage performances during her world tours have won her a reputation as a world-class performer." Chris Willman of Los Angeles Times stated the "enthralling" choreography of Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 Tour "represents the pinnacle of what can be done in the popping 'n' locking style—a rapid-fire mixture of rigidly jerky and gracefully fluid movements." When Jackson was asked "do you understand it when people talk about [The Velvet Rope Tour] in terms of Broadway?", she responded, "I'm crazy about Broadway ... That's what I grew up on."

Her "Number Ones: Up Close and Personal" tour deviated from the full-scale theatrics found in her previous concert arena settings in favor of smaller venues. Critics noted being scaled down did not affect the impact of her showmanship, and in some cases, enhanced it. Greg Kot of the Chicago Tribune wrote, "In past tours, Jackson's thin voice was often swallowed up by the sheer size of her production ... In the more scaled-down setting, Jackson brought a warmth and a passion that wasn't always evident in stadiums ... the best Janet Jackson performance I've covered in 20-plus years."

Thor Christensen of The Dallas Morning News reported Jackson often lip syncs in concert; he wrote: "Janet Jackson—one of pop's most notorious onstage lip-syncers—conceded ... she uses 'some' taped vocals to augment her live vocals. But she refused to say what percentage of her concert 'voice' is taped and how much is live." Michael MacCambridge of the Austin American-Statesman, who reviewed Jackson's Rhythm Nation World Tour, described lip-syncing as a "moot point", stating "Jackson was frequently singing along with her own pre-recorded vocals, to achieve a sound closer to radio versions of singles." MacCambridge also observed "it seemed unlikely that anyone—even a prized member of the First Family of Soul Music—could dance like she did for 90 minutes and still provide the sort of powerful vocals that the '90s super concerts are expected to achieve."

Similarly, Chris Willman commented, "even a classically trained vocalist would be hard-pressed to maintain any sort of level of volume—or, more appropriately, 'Control'—while bounding up and down stairs and whipping limbs in unnatural directions at impeccable, breakneck speed." Critics observed that in the smaller scale of her "Number Ones: Up Close and Personal" tour, she forwent lip-syncing. Chris Richards of The Washington Post stated "even at its breathiest, that delicate voice hasn't lost the laserlike precision."

Influences

Jackson describes Lena Horne as a profound inspiration, for entertainers of several generations as well as herself. Upon Horne's death, she stated "[Horne] brought much joy into everyone's lives—even the younger generations, younger than myself. She was such a great talent. She opened up such doors for artists like myself." Similarly, she considers Dorothy Dandridge to be one of her idols.

Jackson has declared herself "a very big Joni Mitchell fan", explaining: "As a kid I was drawn to Joni Mitchell records [...] Joni's songs spoke to me in an intimate, personal way." She holds reverence for Tina Turner, stating "Tina has become a heroic figure for many people, especially women, because of her tremendous strength. Personally, Tina doesn't seem to have a beginning or an end in my life. I felt her music was always there, and I feel like it always will be." She has also named other socially conscious acts, such as Tracy Chapman, Sly and the Family Stone, U2, and Bob Dylan as sources of inspiration.

In her early career, Jackson credited her brothers Michael and Jermaine Jackson as musical influences. According to Rolling Stone and MTV, other artists attributed as influences include the Ronettes, Dionne Warwick, Tammi Terrell, Diana Ross, Chaka Khan, Stevie Wonder, Teena Marie, Prince, Parliament-Funkadelic, Zapp, and Tina Turner.

Legacy and influence

The youngest sister of the "precious Jackson clan", Janet Jackson has striven to distance her professional career from that of her older brother Michael and the rest of the Jackson family. Steve Dollar of Newsday wrote that "[s]he projects that home girl-next-door quality that belies her place as the youngest sibling in a family whose inner and outer lives have been as poked at, gossiped about, docudramatized and hard-copied as the Kennedys." Phillip McCarthy of The Sydney Morning Herald noted that throughout her recording career, one of her common conditions for interviewers has been that there would be no mention of Michael. Joshua Klein wrote, "[f]or the first half of her recording career, Janet Jackson sounded like an artist with something to prove. Emerging in 1982 just as big brother Michael was casting his longest shadow, Jackson filled her albums not so much with songs as with declarations, from 'The Pleasure Principle' to the radical-sounding 'Rhythm Nation' to the telling statement of purpose, 'Control'."

Steve Huey of Allmusic asserted that despite being born into a family of entertainers, Janet Jackson has managed to emerge a "superstar" in her own right, rivaling not only several female recording artists including Madonna and Whitney Houston, but also her brother, while "successfully [shifting] her image from a strong, independent young woman to a sexy, mature adult." By forging her own unique identity through her artistry and her business ventures, she has been esteemed as the "Queen of Pop". Klein argued that "stardom was not too hard to predict, but few could have foreseen that Janet—Miss Jackson, if you're nasty—would one day replace Michael as true heir to the Jackson family legacy.".

Jackson has also been recognized for playing a pivotal role in crossing racial boundaries in the recording industry, where black artists were once considered to be substandard. Author Maureen Mahon states: "In the 1980s, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, and Prince were among the African American artists who crossed over ... When black artists cross over into pop success they cease to be black in the industry sense of the word. They get promoted from racialized black music to universal pop music in an economically driven process of racial transcendence." The Routledge International Encyclopedia of Women: Global Women's Issues and Knowledge documented that Jackson, along with other prominent African-American women, had achieved financial breakthroughs in mainstream popular music, receiving "superstar status" in the process.

She, alongside her contemporaries "offered viable creative, intellectual, and business paths for establishing and maintaining agency, lyrical potency, marketing and ownership." Her business savvy has been compared to that of Madonna, gaining a level of autonomy which enables "creative latitude and access to financial resources and mass-market distribution." A model of reinvention, author Jessie Carney Smith wrote that "Janet has continued to test the limits of her transformative power", receiving accolades in music, film and concert tours throughout the course of her career.

Musicologist Richard J. Ripani identified Jackson as a leader in the development of contemporary R&B, as her music created a unique blend of genre and sound effects which ushered in the use of rap vocals into mainstream R&B. He also argues her signature song "Nasty" influenced the new jack swing genre developed by Teddy Riley. Leon McDermott of the Sunday Herald wrote: "Her million-selling albums in the 1980s helped invent contemporary R&B through Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis's muscular, lean production; the sinuous grooves threaded through 1986's Control and 1989's Rhythm Nation 1814 are the foundation upon which today's hot shot producers and singers rely."

Simon Reynolds described Jackson's collaborations with her record producers as a reinvention of the dance-pop genre, introducing a new sonic palate. Den Berry, Virgin Records CEO and Chairman stated: "Janet is the very embodiment of a global superstar. Her artistic brilliance and personal appeal transcend geographic, cultural and generational boundaries." In July 1999, she placed at number 77 on VH1's "100 Greatest Women of Rock and Roll". She also placed at number 134 on their list of the "200 Greatest Pop Culture Icons of All Time", number seven on the "100 Greatest Women In Music", and at number two on the "50 Greatest Women of the Video Era", behind Madonna.

In March 2008, Business Wire reported "Janet Jackson is one of the top ten selling artists in the history of contemporary music; ranked by Billboard magazine as the ninth most successful act in rock and roll history, and the second most successful female artist in pop music history." She is the only female artist in the history of the Hot 100 to have 18 consecutive top ten hit singles, from "Miss You Much" (1989) to "I Get Lonely" (1998). The magazine ranked her at number seven on their Hot 100 50th Anniversary "All-Time Top Artists", making her the third most successful female artist in the history of the chart, following Madonna and Mariah Carey.

In November 2010, Billboard released its "Top 50 R&B / Hip-Hop Artists of the Past 25 Years" list and ranked her at number five. She ranks as the top artist on the chart with 15 number ones in the past twenty-five years, garnering 27 top ten hits between 1985 and 2001, and 33 consecutive top 40 hits from 1985 through 2004. Recipient of eleven Billboard Music Awards, she is one an elite group of musical acts, such as Madonna, Aerosmith, Garth Brooks and Eric Clapton, whom Billboard credits for "redefining the landscape of popular music."

In November 2014, Jackson was voted 'Queen of Pop' by a poll conducted online by VH1.com. In October 2015, she received her first nomination for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and four years later was inducted to the Hall. Jackson's music and choreography have inspired numerous performers.Virgin Records executive Lee Trink expressed: "Janet is an icon and historic figure in our culture. She's one of those gifted artists that people look up to, that people emulate, that people want to believe in ... there's not that many superstars that stand the test of time."

Sarah Rodman of the Boston Herald remarked: "For every hand-fluttering, overwrought, melisma addict out there aping Mariah's dog calls, there's an equal number trying to match Jackson's bubbling grooves and fancy footwork, including Britney Spears, Aaliyah and Destiny's Child." Music critic Gene Stout commented she "has so broadly influenced a younger generation of performers, from Jennifer Lopez ... to Britney Spears, who has copied so many of Jackson's dance moves." 'N Sync and Usher have credited her for teaching them how to develop stage show into theatrical performance. Kesha, Toni Braxton, Aaliyah, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Crystal Kay, Kelly Rowland, Rihanna, Brazilian singer Kelly Key, and Christine and the Queens have all named her an inspiration, while others such as Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas of TLC, Cassie, Nicki Minaj, Keri Hilson, and DJ/singer Havana Brown, have all expressed desire to emulate her.

Elysa Gardner of USA Today wrote: "Jackson claims not to be bothered by the brigade of barely post-adolescent baby divas who have been inspired by—and, in some cases, have flagrantly aped—the sharp, animated choreography and girlish but decidedly post-feminist feistiness that have long been hallmarks of her performance style." Adrienne Trier-Bieniek stated "scholars trace the origins of pleasure as a Black feminist commitment within popular culture to Janet Jackson" who inspired the feminist perspective found in many pop stars' careers. Those who are considered to have followed in her footsteps have been referred to as "Janet-come-lately's."

Other artists who have drawn comparison to her include Mýa, Brandy, Tatyana Ali, Christina Milian, Lady Gaga, Namie Amuro, and BoA. Sociologist Shayne Lee commented that "[a]s Janet enters the twilight of her reign as erotic Queen of Pop, Beyoncé emerges as her likely successor." Joan Morgan of Essence magazine remarked: "Jackson's Control, Rhythm Nation 1814 and janet. established the singer-dancer imprimatur standard in pop culture we now take for granted. So when you're thinking of asking Miss Jackson, 'What have you done for me lately?' remember that Britney, Ciara and Beyoncé live in the house that Janet built."

Personal life

At age 18, Janet Jackson eloped with singer James DeBarge in September 1984. The marriage was annulled in November 1985. On March 31, 1991, Jackson married dancer/songwriter/director Rene Elizondo Jr. The marriage was kept a secret until the split was announced. In January 1999, the couple separated and were divorced in 2000. Elizondo filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit against her, estimated to have been between $10–25 million, which did not reach a settlement for three years.

From 2002 to 2009, Jackson dated music producer/rapper/songwriter Jermaine Dupri. In 2010, Jackson met Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana and began dating him shortly after that. The couple became engaged and married privately in 2012. In 2016, Jackson announced that they were expecting their first child together. On January 3, 2017, Jackson gave birth to a son, Eissa Al Mana. In April 2017, it was announced that the couple had separated and were pursuing a divorce.

Discography

Studio albums

Janet Jackson (1982)

Dream Street (1984)

Control (1986)

Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 (1989)

janet. (1993)

The Velvet Rope (1997)

All for You (2001)

Damita Jo (2004)

20 Y.O. (2006)

Discipline (2008)

Unbreakable (2015)

Filmography

Good Times (1977–79)

Diff'rent Strokes (1980–84)

Fame (1984–85)

Poetic Justice (1993)

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)

Why Did I Get Married? (2007)

Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010)

For Colored Girls (2010)

Tours and concerts

Headlining tours

Rhythm Nation World Tour (1990)

Janet. World Tour (1993–1995)

The Velvet Rope Tour (1998–1999)

All for You Tour (2001–2002)

Rock Witchu Tour (2008)

Number Ones, Up Close and Personal World Tour (2011)

Unbreakable World Tour (2015–2016)

State of the World Tour (2017–2019)

Janet Jackson: A Special 30th Anniversary Celebration of Rhythm Nation (2019)

Black Diamond World Tour (2020)

Concert residencies

Janet Jackson: Metamorphosis (2019)

[mcrmadness]

I've been meaning to ask this for a while, but do you have any song or album recommendations for Apulanta? So far I've only heard Toinen jumala and Lokin päällä lokki. Absolute bangers, but I've always had a hard time listening to new songs for some reason. Guess it's a comfort zone thing? Also, do you have any other Finnish band recommendations? I just think the language sounds pretty.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA thanks for asking about my hyperfixation and also sorry because now I cannot shut up but you can only blame yourself for that!!! XDDD

No really, I had to look for the song Toinen jumala because I remember it exists but I think it was just some special release that was not on any studio album - they do those sometimes - I am not even sure if I have listened to this song before :D But it sounds incredible!!!

Anyway, both of those songs are in their nu-metal style. And the song and album recommendations really depend on what you want from music. They have a quite long history - the band was founded in 1991 and they have been through lots of changes what comes to their musical style - still somehow they have managed to sound like Apulanta for all these years and I don’t know any other band that would sound exactly like them. No song on an album is like the other and you can’t listen to just one song and think you have heard the whole album now. (Sounds familiar eh? :D) Anyway, I’d say they kinda went from punk to “melodic minor key pop” - that is an actual description of their first album, which didn’t sell as well because they made what they thought people wanted to hear instead of what they wanted to play (but I love the album too!) - and then back to punk after almost breaking up because people didn’t like them that much. From punk rock they evolved to alternative rock, to a bit harder nu-metal sounding music. In 2004 their bassist left the band after 7 albums, and this is the time when I kinda grew out of their music and stopped listening to them.

I found the newer music only last year or something, I was never interested in it because it was too metallic for me and the songs I heard from the radio were either uninteresting or too slow for me. But that was a mistake I made because I literally judged the whole albums based on just a few single songs and those did not tell the truth of the albums. I really learnt to like those albums, but my favorites will be forever their first 5 albums.

So I see you have now heard only newer songs. I don’t really even like Lokin päällä lokki, because I have never understood nu-metal. Explains why I wasn’t that much into their albums Heinola 10 (6th, 2001) or especially Hiekka (7th, 2004). Heinola 10 still has several very awesome songs but I have never really gotten behind Hiekka, even today.

So, shortly: if you want punk, listen to Ehjä (2nd, 1996) or Kolme (3rd, 1997). If you prefer alternative and a bit more metallic rock, also accompanied with string instruments, then go for Aivan kuin kaikki muutkin (4th, 1998) or Plastik (5th, 2000). Plastik is actually my favorite album of all these, but I’m also love Ehjä and Kolme, and am very fond of their first album: Attack of the A.L. People (1995). They also have tons of great b-sides so the single compilation albums are great too.

From the newer albums the lates 2 are my favourites and I actually like to divide their history into two: old Apulanta (1991-2004) and new Apulanta (2005->), mainly because I was a fan when I was 9 yeras old and old Apulanta was a part of my childhood, but then I had a pause and found them again in 2008 or 2009, and started listening to the “new Apulanta albums” for the first time pretty much a decade later.

This is the song that peaked my interest after years, it was the first punk sounding new AL song I had heard ever since their late 90s era and I liked this song a lot and it still slaps!!! The song is called Zombeja! and here’s it’s music video too:

I’ll put more songs from different eras and styles under the cut! The max amount of videos in one post if 5 so I’ll put the audio ones behind links.

For other band recommendations - there’s plenty of bands but it really depends on what is the genre and other things you’re going for. I don’t think I can put too many videos in one so I can e.g. reblog this post with videos from other bands I like - I’m not too fond of Finnish music as it’s mostly metal or boring Finnrock and I don’t like those really. Or you can also send another ask where you specify what you would like to hear so I can try to find something that’d match that.

OLDER STUFF:

Systeemi kusee - from their punk era. At this point they still had two singer-guitarists. The title means “The system sucks”.

ATTACK OF THE A.L. PEOPLE:

Here’s my favorite song, Aurinkoon (”To the sun”), with a video where it’s a playback but for some reason the recording is not in sync at all but I can’t find a better video of this at all. I think someone filmed it from a dvd from tv screen.

Päivästä toiseen (”Day after day”), no words, it’s a bit slow but I think it’s really pretty!

EHJÄ:

...silti onnellinen (”...still happy”). The second and third album were very similar but not in a bad way.

Mitä kuuluu? was the hit that was their breakthrough. It was first released on an ep called “Hajonnut”, “Broken” in English, and they were going to break up if it didn’t work. But it did work, better than ever, so they stayed together and that’s why the second album was named as Ehjä, “Intact”.

KOLME:

Mitä vaan (”Anything”) is one of my favorite songs still day, of all time.

Mato (”Worm”), this is hilarious. I love the lyrics but unfortunately can’t translate them right now :D

AIVAN KUIN KAIKKI MUUTKIN:

Hallaa/008 (”Frost”) is just so. good. Also the video is interesting, it’s very gore and has nothing to do with the song itself :D Their old bassist directed all of these old videos of theirs.

Teit meistä kauniin/007 is one of their most famous songs. On this album they didn’t give the songs any titles, they gave only numbers to them and because of that I still am not entirely sure what are all the songs on the album. I don’t have names for them and I only remember the single releases and other songs that ended up having names in public. It’s interesting.

PLASTIK:

Käännä se pois (”Turn it away”), I just... this is very similar to the next song but I love them both - this might be the one whose audio I remember from my childhood.

Odotus (”Waiting”), I remember this music video from my childhood. It’s my only actual memory of the time when I was a “fan” of them. The actor in the video was in a Finnish soap opera (that my mom didn’t let me watch but I watched it was my cousins’) and I was very confused of why he was in the video and if it was him. Somehow didn’t understand what an actor is.

Terä: with a video but low quality OR better audio but no video, I’m linking this only because it’s one of my favorites and really shows how this album can yet again be so diverse!

Ei yhtään todistajaa, this just slaps and also has a cool video for it.

Maailmanpyörä (”Ferris Wheel”), absolutely one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. EVER.

^You can see maybe that it’s my favorite album :D I just can’t decide only one song!

OTHER STUFF:

They have also made two English albums - both have songs with lyrics either translated into English or with completely new English lyrics but all the songs are originally in Finnish. With the second one they clearly have rerecorded the whole songs but with the first one they have just done the vocals:

Viper Spank

Apulanta (Import) - I think this is actually an English version of their 2002 album Heinola 10.

***

Okay I think this is enough for now! Here are lots of my favorite songs, lots of videos (unfortunately there’s no better quality versions of the old videos anywhere) and way too much text! I hope you’re not overwhelmed and feel free to ask if there’s something you want to know! You can also see my Apulanta tag for newer songs (and also for some older ones) since I’ve been hyperfixating on the newer albums a lot lately (I saw them live in last February and never recovered lol).

I think I won’t talk about other bands here now - except if you are interested in comedy rock or fun punk, then there’s Klamydia. But I think I should do an individual post about them in that case. Anyhow, check this song from my favorite album, the song is called Ooko tehny lenkkiä (pyörällä ilman penkkiä) aka “Have you driven a bike (without the saddle)” and, well, the lyrics are what you can imagine them to be too :D The sound of that song just clicked to me and had so much dä energy I just had to listen to them even more :D Let me know if you want to know more about them too, tho with them the fun part literally is in the lyrics (and sometimes in videos) so it might be difficult to understand things sometimes.

[greermarch-a]

THEORY OF EMOTION. → greer march.

The Aries woman is built from fire. She is independent, strong, and focused. She is all or nothing. She is filled with ambition and passion. With the energies of a springtime ram, her brave heart can accomplish anything. She is bold and spontaneous, a fearless warrior. Ruled by Mars, her great energy and enthusiasm to take charge of her own life means she believes in her dreams and ambitions. She can handle the strongest of passions, excitements, and temptations. She is resilient and resourceful. Aries is quite the force to be reckoned with, and the Aries women is no different. She chases freedom and success. She is fiercely loyal. Courageous, confident, and self-assured, she is an alpha female. Uncomplicated and impulsive, the Aries woman isn’t afraid of taking risks. She will master the chaos in her, she is not thrown into the fire, she is the fire. - ( x )

THE SUN ( ARIES ): Your style, your life purpose, your destiny…

What is your character’s drive like and what fuels them?

Her strong personality and self-motivation are some of Greer’s biggest strengths. She knows what she wants and ( at least what she thinks ) she needs. She is not one to plan ahead of time, but rather, she thinks on her feet and follows the impulses that are guiding her emotions. If she wants something, she is not afraid to get it. Much like when she decided she could no longer live in Boston and began packing to leave the next day, she also felt the need to be in a quieter town and settled on Mystic when it seemed to fit her needs. She’s not fueled by adventure, but rather, she is fueled by her ability to express herself freely and without judgement or restraint.

What is most obvious about your character?

Her fiery ambition and desire to share her passions are Greer’s most obvious Aries characteristics. Though, like many Aries, she is extremely active, this attribute is just another vessel to help guide her ability to reach her goals. By allowing herself the freedom and time to be active ( either in running or kickboxing ), she is able to release any pent up, excessive energy that could keep her distracted. She’s intelligent and will give it to people straight ( including herself ). She’s not afraid of the truth, and despite her somewhat playful nature, she hates the idea of playing games ( this will only delay things ). She will let you know what she loves, what she desires, and what she needs if you only ask her.

Who and what kind of people does your character surround themselves with?

As with just about any Aries, the last thing Greer wants is for someone to try and contain her fire. Her mother attempted this, and she fled. Due to this, Greer will surround herself with a diverse array of people that allow her to explore her passions and support her in all her little, day-to-day desires. She loves people that will share in her same passions to write and explore, but she is always extremely happy to surround herself with people with different interests but that have just as much passion and ambition as she does. Her favorite things about her time abroad was being able to learn from so many different people in various cultures. Whether it’s politics or pottery, if you’re passionate about it and willing to share, she will do whatever she can to help support you in those ambitions.

THE ASCENDING ( PISCES ): How the world sees you…

In a public setting, would your character be easy to adapt or hesitant wherever they are?

Greer is rather adaptable in public settings. Like many Pisces rising folks, her innate ability to read the various settings she’s in allows her to shift accordingly. This has come in handy with all of the traveling she has done. In order to constantly uproot herself, her ability to adapt quickly and effortlessly meant that she would be able to have more time to focus on her connections with her new friends or on her research for her thesis.

Is your character an extrovert or an introvert?

Despite her love for people and her outgoing nature, she is an introvert. Too much socializing and focusing on attempting to take in everything is draining after awhile. If she is going to be out and about, she is much better in small social settings than she is in large groups. This allows her to focus on less people, which allows those few interactions to be deeper than just small talk. 

What qualities do you think people first see in your character?

A true Pisces rising, it is likely that one of the first things people see is her creativity and slightly dreamy side. She tends to ramble, and it gets especially noticeable when she is talking about something that she cares for deeply ( such as literature ). Greer will lose herself in the moment, wanting nothing more than to describe every single aspect of whatever the topic of discussion is. This being said, she’s not unaware of when someone may not be connecting to whatever it is she has gone off on a tangent about. If she notices their body language changing, she’ll likely immediately cut herself off. In fact, whether it be a combination of her sign and her mother’s deep-seated hatred for Greer’s ‘head-in-the-clouds’ and romantic disposition, she is extremely sensitive to other’s reactions to whatever she is doing.

THE MOON ( ARIES ): Your habits, reactions, and instincts…

What moment does your character relive, either consciously or unconsciously?

Greer desperately wants to relieve her trip to Doolin with her father during the summer after her second year of graduate school, and she even has recurring dreams of it. Her father had been one of the only people that supported her ambitions in her childhood, despite her mother’s protests and belittling remarks, and he had always loved Irish folk music. Doolin, while extremely small, was packed with culture and adventure. That trip they were able to to fully engage in arts and hiking together, away from the rest of the world. It was one of the final happy moments that she was able to share with her father.

How does your character (negatively or positively) adapt to life experience?

Greer is extremely curious about all the little things that life brings, and she in fact thrives on change and variety to keep her interested. Like many individuals with their moon in Aries, she is rather playful and can tend to lighten the mood with humor. However, if she feels her emotions are under attack or being threatened, she does have a tendency to be hotheaded and act out. 

What facts would your characters conceal?

While like many Aries, she is rather straightforward. When it comes to the truth of her suspected causes of her father’s death and the gritty details of her mother’s abuse, she will simply tell people that she’s not comfortable sharing. She has no issues stating that her mother did not love or that she cheated, but the deeply embedded pain that so many years of this cycle of emotional abuse and neglect is something that she hasn’t felt comfortable telling anyone other than her therapist. Her emotions are what she wants to protect more than anything.

THE VENUS ( PISCES ): Your attractions, and your love life…

What kind of hobbies does your character have and why do they enjoy them?

Outside of writing and reading for fun, she is deeply interested in other forms of art. She loves learning new languages, learning about the culinary practices of different cultures, and spending hours in art museums. Even her love for home improvement and handiwork has taken on a slightly artistic edge. She loves the idea of taking something that was once broken or malfunctioning and making it work like new or even transforming it into something completely new.

What does your character find attractive, either in people or in their own possessions?

Greer finds it deeply attractive when people are passionate and romantic. This doesn’t mean that she needs flowers and a candlelit dinner ( though she won’t say no to that ), but rather she finds it extremely attractive when someone looks to the positive, loves what they do, loves others ( platonically or romantically ) as wholeheartedly as she does, and displays their true self.

How does your character (negatively or positively) show their love or demonstrate their affection?

She is extremely affectionate. She is not one for subtlety. This can sometimes throw people off as at times it can potentially seem as a bit too much. As a true individual with her Venus in Pisces, she has been known to write love letters to her friends and exes. She loves the idea of courting someone ( both in friendships and dating ), and she does not stop after the relationship has been established. Her playful nature and ability to individualize based off of her friend’s or partner’s needs means that she will often times create spontaneous little dates for them ‘just because’. 

How does your character fall in love? Do they jump into relationships, or take slow, measured steps? Describe their behaviors and actions, if you’d like.

While her affection comes fast, falling in love takes time for Greer. She loves the journey that one takes with another — learning about the little intricacies of her partner, what makes them tick, why they are the way they are, and where they want to go. She does not realize that she has begun to fall in love, typically, until she is in love. Greer gets lost in the moment with the other person, and becomes hyper sensitive and attentive to whatever their needs may be. 

THE MARS ( SAGITTARIUS ): Your strifes, temperament, and passions…

What does your character want with every fiber of their being?

More than anything, she wants a life that will never be boring with a loving and supportive family by her side. She doesn’t necessarily need to be married ( though that would ideal ), but she wants desperately to continue exploring the adventures that life has to offer her with someone that she loves by her side, learning from and with them. 

What will your characters do to get what they want? How far will they go?

If there is one thing that Greer March was known for in her childhood, it was her loud mouth. She has no problem telling anyone exactly what she wants and how she feels about it. She is relentless in her desires, and she will do anything in her power to make it happen. That being said, she refuses to take anyone ( innocent ) out in pursuit of it. The complete disregard for others is far too much like her mother, and she is repulsed by the idea of being anything like her.

What makes your character see red? What makes their blood boil?

Complicity and manipulation of other’s emotions are two things that will make Greer see red. Those that see or are aware of a wrongdoing happen but stand by and do nothing, frustrate and anger her to no end. She has no problem unleashing her disapproval the moment it becomes apparent to her. Additionally, manipulation of other’s emotions is something that will many times make Greer snap. Her emotions and the emotions of those that she interacts with are so dear to her that if anyone is to try and manipulate them, she takes it as a personal attack on her entire being.

On a symbolic level, what battles has your character lost and what wounds have they suffered?

Her mother’s treatment of her and the following loss of her father are something that she continues to heal from. Throughout her childhood she knew her mother disliked her, but her mother’s hatred became apparent after her father’s passing. She had always either been too much or not enough. The picking apart and scrutiny of her every desire and personality trait became just as normal as her morning coffee. By the time her mother finally told her that she didn’t love her and didn’t want anything to do with her, the only thing she felt was astonishment that it had taken her so long to come out and say it.

[unabashedyouththing]

Apoliteic music: Neo-Folk, Martial Industrial and 'metapolitical autocracy'

In 2000, when I was simply the proofreader of a little distributed melodic magazine, I got a CD entitled Victory or Death by the Swedish band Folkstorm.2 The CD contained ten tracks of brutal Industrial music and the circle was enriched with a Nazi-style Reichsadler on an unfilled oak wreath.3 The back spread was ornamented with runes and recorded the tracks 'Feldgeschrei' (Field Turmoil), 'Cruel Discipline', 'Promulgation', 'We Are the Resistance', 'Social Surgery', to give some examples. The expressions of the tunes were indistinct, because of the exceptionally twisted vocals, yet all that else ambiguously recommended the extreme traditional nature of Folkstorm's 'belief system'. Shockingly, the band guaranteed 'No legislative issues. No religion. No norm', a judicious articulation composed on the plate itself STGMT : neofolk & industrial.

In the event that the band renounces any reference to governmental issues while these signs recommend the inverse, what sort of 'publicity' right? Folkstorm's message has little to do with that of a portion of its comrades like Totenkopf, whose track 'Can't Be Beaten' wholeheartedly declares: 'Give them where you stand and feel no regret, my Aryan sibling, it's the ideal opportunity for race war.'4 Neither is Folkstorm's message an incitement like the late Punk Rocker Sid Vicious' infamous presenting in a shirt with an insignia on it. In the event that the message isn't the White Noise communicated of racial hatred,5 or the 'spit notwithstanding average society', at that point what's going on here? In this article, I contend that there exists a specific sort of extremist conservative music that doesn't advance out and out viciousness, isn't identified with the exercises of political associations or parties, and isn't a methods for enrollment to any political propensity. Consequently, I take Folkstorm's 'No governmental issues' announcement truly, despite the fact that I want to reconceptualize it in a manner that stays away from any useless endeavor to deplete the plainly conservative message of its embodiment. I allude to this music as 'apoliteic' (a term clarified beneath), and this article will examine its inclination and noteworthiness by thinking about two melodic kinds, specifically Neo-Folk and Martial Industrial, that are frequently utilized by groups and craftsmen for scattering an apoliteic message. I want to show that apoliteic music and White Noise are social impressions of the two diverse political methodologies that one party rule had to continue in the 'antagonistic' states of the post-war period.

Before I continue, it must be noticed that neither Neo-Folk nor Martial Industrial can be considered 'fundamentalist melodic kinds'. In contrast to White Noise, which alludes explicitly to philosophically spurred music, these two classes are most importantly typological builds that grasp specific sorts of consolidated sounds. Without a doubt, regardless of whether Neo-Folk or Martial Industrial can be likened with fundamentalist or neo-Nazi purposeful publicity has been fervently bantered since the mid-1990s when various groups playing in these classes began to get—because of their broad utilization of extremist symbolism—consideration from left-wing columnists just as assaults by hostile to extremist gatherings. On a few events, against extremist fights, petitions and pickets were upheld by the specialists who restricted exhibitions of specific Neo-Folk/Martial Industrial groups. In 2004 the significant Austrian Martial Industrial act, Der Blutharsch, needed to drop a presentation in Israel because of fights by, among others, the Israeli bureau part Natan Sharansky, the Knesset part Yossi Sarid, the city hall leader of Tel Aviv Ron Huldai and the Anti-Defamation League. The next year, the most popular Neo-Folk band, Death in June, lost the option to sell its collection Rose Clouds of Holocaust in Germany after an examination directed by the Bundesprüfstelle f��r jugendgefährdende Medien (BPjM, Federal Department for Media Harmful to Young People).6 Neither of these groups is important for the White Noise scene, however both grasp—as I will contend beneath—unequivocal components of the extremist Weltanschauung.

Significant terms and ideas

There are a few terms that columnists, public authorities and researchers use to allude to specialists or groups that—from the onlookers' perspective—perform music impregnated with fundamentalist or extraordinary traditional thoughts. A portion of these are umbrella terms that incorporate diverse melodic classes, while others allude to explicit ones.

The term 'Repetitive sound' from White Noise Records, a mark that delivered Skrewdriver's single 'White Power' in 1983. Skrewdriver was a British band that transparently advanced progressive ultra-patriotism through their records, and their exhibitions once in a while transformed into mobs of neo-Nazi skinheads. Skrewdriver's late chief Ian Stuart was an individual from the British National Front (NF), while the band itself was firmly connected with both the NF and the British National Party (BNP). Indeed, Skrewdriver may be considered 'the melodic wing' of the NF, as it raised assets for the association and helped enroll new individuals. Also, in 1987, Stuart established the Blood and Honor network that advanced super patriot groups, composed their shows and filled in as a nexus for neo-Nazi skinheads in Europe and the United States.7 Since Skrewdriver played a kind of Punk Rock music known as Street Punk or Oi!,8 the term 'Repetitive sound' alluded to Punk Rock acts that proliferated outrageous traditional ideas.9 Currently, because of the nonexclusive assortment of groups that play at Blood and Honor shows, one can apply this term to any forceful exciting music that is saturated with a straightforwardly extremist or bigoted message.

It is significantly critical to feature two highlights of White Noise. To begin with, this kind of music is described by plain bigotry or progressive ultra-patriotism. Repetitive sound don't shroud their messages and a portion of the groups' names—also the collections and melody titles—represent themselves: Race War, Totenkopf, Final Solution, Jew Slaughter, Legion 88, Konkwista 88, Angry Aryans, Brigada NS, RaHoWa etc.10 Second, White Noise is related with either direct viciousness against an Other or the political reason, anyway minimal, that rouses it. It is regularly the situation that White Noise artists don't disguise their participation in progressive super patriot groupuscules, bigger associations or even discretionary gatherings. As referenced above, Skrewdriver worked close by the NF, while the Romanian band Brigada de Asalt (The Assault Brigade) is an essential aspect of the neo-Nazi association Noua Dreaptă (New Right), probably upheld by the Romanian extremist conservative Partidul Noua Generatie (New Generation Party). Countless White Noise groups show up on the alleged 'schoolyard' CDs ordered and delivered by the extreme conservative Nationaldemokratische Partei Deutschlands (National Democratic Party of Germany) with the expectation of complimentary circulation among German youth.

[pjstafford]

The Bad Boy/Good Guy public personality dynamic of David Duchovny

Written as a birthday gift (with her blog prompt) for Charmion @grungekid84

Dedication: Charmion and I are of different generations; separated in age by over twenty years. I was the age she is now, about, when the X-files was new and she watched it first as a child. Yet today we share similarities in thoughts related to our celebrity crush. To both Charmion and David Duchovny I say, I hope this blog does the love the justice it deserves.

Why are women 20 to 70 years of age fan girls of the 59 year old David Duchovny? Not simply fans! Fans might watch a movie because an actor is in it. They might rewatch a series a half dozen times. Fan girls like Charmion have an Xfile room and paint pictures. Fan girls like myself write blogs, fan fic and team up with fan girls like Cathy Glinski to present at academic conferences. Why do women who have no other celebrity crushes have this need to celebrate this one celebrity in these ways? It seems significant to me the age range of women who are fan girls. I have stood in an audience surrounded by women barely old enough to meet the 21 age limit who knew every word to each of his songs. I heard one such woman say that this is an experience she would tell her grandchildren about. I, also, know women closer to 70 who have traveled to a meet and greet or comic con because they wanted the opportunity to thank this celebrity for the years of joy. Just today as I start to write this a woman I do not know tweeted @hearteyes4david an open letter to the world with a life wish to meet and thank this man. There are so many of us who just want to say thank you. And I won’t say none of us are not, but most of us are not crazy. We are lobbyists, store managers, attorneys, emergency room nurses, church secretaries of different ages and nationalities, many happily married, most normal women ( and some men). So many of us eager, compelled almost, to meet a single specific man and say thank you.

Some of it, people will say, is lust. Yes, it’s possible that if he was a less attractive man we would wish to thank him in person less. Still, can you truly look at the picture at the end of this blog and say his looks are so much more Adonis like than any other man? To say it’s purely a physical lust for a handsome man is dismissive of the intelligent, thoughtful women so moved to want to thank him.

His talent? “Sweet baby Jesus” he gave us Mulder and if that wasn’t enough, Moody. Whether he is playing a man who has lost his wife in Return to me, a drugged out doctor in Playing God, or a Russian operative determine to see the US nuked in Phantomn he makes every character seem so real that he gets a reputation for only playing himself. He is so good of an actor playing such diverse roles that folks can’t believe is truly acting. Still, I think most of us would just be fans and not fan girls if good looks and talent was all he had going for him

He is multi-talented and many love the rock star with romantic, heart breaking lyrics. For me, as I have often said, he is my favorite living novelist with three novels published and a fourth to come out soon. He writes intelligent, funny, heart breaking novels with an unique style and characters that again seem real (even the talking animals). In a recent interview he said something to the effect that his kids could read these novels and know who he was a man. I think that’s why I love his writing so much is because lyrics or prose they are authentic expressions of an artist’s personality; which brings me to Charmion prompt...the personality of David Duchovny.

I have met the man briefly a handful of times. I like the man I have met, but I can’t pretend to know more anymore than his public persona. I know how he comes across in interviews, what others who know him say about him, and all I can possibly gleam from his public art...from the things he has acted in and from his written art- the XFiles the Unnatural, the movie “House of D”, the novels, the lyrics, the distorted selfies in the mirrors reflections he tweeted when he used to tweet. This is how I know what I know about the man...and the fact that the few times I met him he was soft spoken, polite, humble and kind; taking time to answer my questions intelligently, joke a little and write kind words.

I know he is flawed. It is impossible to be a fan and not know about some of the faults which have been well publicized. As he himself says in my favorite of his songs, “I got skeletons in my closet which time ain’t forgot...”. They will never be forgotten. They will be included 20 or 30 years from now in his obituary. His flawed character is a fact, it has been aired, it is part of who he is.

I have written that what I love best about his writing is the combination of darkness and despair with the lightness of the human spirit and resiliency (mmm...the ability to believe?) rising out of darkness. He writes about the most depressing subjects on earth realistically and the fairy tale quality which rises to fill our hearts, to make us laugh and cry, is as real. It is either or both n amazing technique and/ or a result of a world view. I choose to believe it is the latter.

David Duchovny is no saint, but God Damn, he seems like a remarkably good guy with enough of a bad/boy mischievous side to make his personality as sexy as fucking itself. See how I just got a little different in my language there. David puts fucking in a book title, god damn in a song, gets bleeped on air record breaking number of times. God damn, fuck you if you think this is a man who is afraid to swear. He is not really Fox Freaking Mulder but he is David Fucking Duchovny

He is a good guy. He is intelligent. His ability to reference the high brow literary comes across in all his works. His second album title is from a Shakespeare quote. Walt Whitman shows up throughout his novels (and his dog’s tweets). He is well read, it quite well known. If you don’t get that reference, he would, as a Dylan fan and a fan of many other musical artists. He is also happy to talk about and reference sporting heros.

He is a bad boy. Oh, but the lowbrow humor! Early interviews have fart jokes, bathroom humor. He has a knack for intermixing the profane and profound. His novel, Miss Subways, has the elementary teacher leaving the classroom in tears when an assignment (write a letter to a Shakespeare minor character) results in an innocent boy reading “My dearest Fellatio...”.

He is a good guy. He is a romantic. He gave the XFiles fans the shippy Mulder and Scully baseball scene. He believes in his heart that Californication was at heart a love story. He writes lyrics for his ex wife who loves the rain saying “ It will always be raining in this song.” In his novel are real people having real sex type of scenes...no great erotica with flowing hair and heaving bosoms for this man, but discussion of lights on or off or an older couple off screen and an adult son hearing and embarrassed.

He is a bad boy. The man has no fear of nudity. . In his first movie he was filmed completely naked. In the commentary to the rapture he admits that he told the director he thought the character slept in the nude. (Hence the balls shot). It was his idea to wear the red speedo. He improvised the moonshot in evolution.

He is a good guy. He believes in causes. He volunteers and donates to protect the planet, for animal rights, for music education and for planned parenthood. His was the only story in over 200 XFiles episodes that truly dealt with racial injustice and segregation.

He is a good guy. In House of D the thirteen year old boy’s best friend is a forty year old janitor with special needs. He is a bad boy. That boy and janitor told each other a lot of pee jokes.

I can go on and on and on about the bad boy/good guy public personna of David Duchovny, but I am going to close with a subject that might tempt fate and bring forth the haters. I want to end with thinking about David and women.

In Red Shoes diaries David was in the forefront of the soft porn explosion. In an interview this year Brigitte Bako describes her experience in filming the movie as the “worst experience of my life”; but has nothing but complimentary things to say about David, how sweet and nice he was. They became close friends and she later appeared in an episode of Californication.

In Californication, David was the star of one of the raunchiest series in television history. Tits and ass, fucking and punching. I love the show but it would likely not be made today although, to be fair, it demonstrates women having agency over their sexuality. Nevertheless, actresses who appeared on that show have recently been asked what it was like. Over and over again they talk about how comfortable the environment was and how polite and respectful David was.

Much has been made over Gillian Anderson being paid half of David Duchovny’s salary. This is hardly his fault and something he argued against once he was made aware of it, but, as a fan of the show, I love hearing him talk protectively of Mulder and of wanting to protect that relationship. I love that he was responsible for rewriting an ending to one of seasons 11 episodes which end not with Mulder objectifying Scully and not with him in his under wear, but with Scully opining the door and him standing there. As David said, Scully being in control of her own desires.

Finally in Miss Subways, I find a female character written with such realism and authenticity that I have to go back to the 19th century to find a female literary character so relatable to me. She is a reader, beautiful to some men, a little eccentric in some ways, vulnerable, strong but without a great belief in herself or her talent. She’s just fucking real in a fucking real world despite being in a surrealistic fantasy novel with Irish banshees and African spider goddesses, parallel timelines and phones that can alter reality.

We, the fan girls, love this celebrity, David Duchovny because of his looks, his talent and his personality; because he is a bad boy and a good guy; because he inspires us, because he is flawed as we all are and goes through his life trying to be present in the day. For all the fan women who have yet to meet you, Mr. Duchovny, I say thank you and we love you, until they can meet you and tell you themselves.

Happy Birthday, Charmion. If you should meet him someday when I am not there give him an extra hug for me.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 401

Oh hey, y’all. We’re back for another season of that show we keep watching in hopes it’ll get back to its season one glory Outlander! Since I’m incapable of keeping my Opinions to myself and have no filter after a few drinks, I’m gonna do drunk recaps that no one asked for or wants again this year. Because why not. So buckle up, randos, because under the cut you will find nothing of substance, zero insights and absolutely no analysis!

Before I dive into the stream of consciousness, quasi-incoherent beat-by-beat nonsense, I just want to say that I overall liked this episode. I definitely enjoyed it more from the comfort of my own couch than in the theater with thousands of screaming sycophants at NYCC. It definitely had me singing along to the Federalist Papers part of Non Stop all day though. A series of scenes, tangentially related, introducing the Colonies to the public. Some are obviously just there to just set up the plot of the season or like check a residual box from last season. But some are solid world-building and character moments. And, because it’s Outlander, some are like *side eye*.

But I’m for real excited for the first half of this season! The second half of Drums is a dumpster fire (fucking Rogergate...) and it seems like the show is going to stick pretty close to the book, so I’m going to try my hardest to not let preemptive feelings about that nonsense cloud potential enjoyment of the first bit. Because dammit, I love me some domestic!Frasers. So yeah, happy end of hiatus, y’all!

Ok I don’t want to start off on a downer note, but jfc. I get what they were going for with the 2000 B.C. stone circle stuff, but omg no. I don’t care if certain indigenous peoples really did make stone circles and dance around them as the sun rose. I know they’re trying to show the universality of circles and these time portal thingies or whatever, but by making the parallel with the druids at Craigh na Dun, it’s basically being like “Oh hey! These Native American folks from *checks notes* North America are just like the white folks we’ve been hanging with for the last three seasons!” It came off to me like erasing the unique cultures of the diverse peoples of North America in favor of framing them as a generic group of “natives” who do the white people stone dance. And in a season that’s going to deal heavily with multiple tribes, this really isn’t giving me much confidence in how they’re going to handle the rest of the Native American characters.

I’m really hoping someone else will articulate that better than I did. Because I feel like I’m not communicating well what my actual issue with the sequence was.

Petition to make Jamie wear a hat at all times to hide his horrible bangs.

Gavin Hayes has to be being hanged for literally the dumbest crime ever. But he seems pretty chill about it so...

Ok I never liked book!Bonnet as a character (like obvi he’s a terrible person so I was never going to like him as a person, but I was always annoyed that he was still around rather than appreciating him as a villain), but even from that presumptuous “yeah can I snag some rum too, bruh” in the jail, I’m like solidly on board with show!Bonnet.

Jamie tried to save Hayes, but you see Hayes straight up killed a guy. Sure it was in self-defense, but, y’know, ye olde times and he did kill the dude. Sooo...

I want to feel for Lesley, I really do, but I’ve never actually given a shit or been given a good reason to give a shit about Rupert and Angus 3.0 so, sorry for your loss?

Unpopular opinion alert (should be the standard disclaimer on all of my #hottakes) but I really don’t care for the new theme music. Every time they change it, I find myself wanting the OG season one music back with just the images updated.

The bald eagle for the title card just gives me such mixed feelings that have nothing to do with the show. Like here’s a symbol of my country and it *should* invoke good feelings, but *gestures at the current political climate* every national symbol at the moment feels tainted by the growing white nationalist movement that’s being spurred on by the current administration.

Time for some post hanging brewskis. We are here to mourn Gavin Hayes. Who died only so the new villain could be introduced. Let us bow our heads.

Marsali and Fergus win the prize for least subtle “can we be excused to go bang” ever. Rock on, Fersali.

I fucking LOVE that they changed the tavern scene so everyone sings with them like they know what’s going on rather than how in the book it was like them making fun of the red coats as part of Gavin’s song and then Fergus passed around a hat for coins. But by having everyone in the tavern in on what’s going down and earnestly participating, it establishes that 20+ years after the failed Rising, after the Clearances, after everything the Scots went through at the hands of the English, they were not truly defeated. They may have moved across an ocean, but they are still Scottish and they still practice their traditions and dammit I’m having feelings about those resilient motherfuckers.

The scene with Jamie and Ian is very well done and I’m SO glad they included it because they did in fact include his rape last year, but fuck the show for including that rape in the first place. A very similar version of this scene could have been done without the rape, there’s enough trauma involved in being kidnapped, taken across the ocean, held hostage by a batshit lady and knowing that everyone else she kidnapped ended up dead for one 16 year old kid. With Jamie’s rape we got two episodes of trauma and four of recovery. With Mary, Fergus and Ian, we get three child rapes that could have all been avoided (especially Ian’s, but the plot points that come from Mary’s and Fergus’ could have definitely come about without them actually being raped), and they all just got one brief scene to express their trauma and then everything’s hunky dory again. (We know they’re going to include Bree’s rape, also fuck them very much for that, it’s completely unnecessary, and I’m guessing we’ll spend some time with her on her recovery. But that’s a rant for when we get there...)

For real though, Jamie parroting Claire as he comforts Ian is super sweet, but it makes me skeptically nervous for how he’ll react to Bree’s. Since in the book, it’s...not great.

Stephen Bonnet is so delightfully smarmy. Also, how fucking naive is our main squad now all of a sudden that they don’t realize from the jump what a sociopath he is? C’mon, y’all. Like I know Jamie came close to being hanged or whatever, but literally everything about this dude screams that he’s bad news. He is not subtle in his I’m a straight up unapologetic and charismatic good guy criminal. And like, he’s a friend of Gavin? Come the fuck on, squad. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT HE IS FULL OF SHIT. *gets Det. JJ Bittenbinder on the horn*

For real though, dodgy accent aside, I fucking love Ed Speleers in this role. Why the fuck do they have to include the rape. Can’t he just be a bastard without being a rapist? Why must you make me rage, show. I just want to enjoy a decent villain.

Jamie and Claire are doing their best Jean Ralphio and Mona Lisa Saperstein trying to talk their way through this checkpoint.

“You’ve never parted with the ring from the first?” Yeah, I don’t get it either, Bonnet my dude. I don’t get it either. #FuckFrank

Bonnet talking about circles fascinating him makes me think he’d do well in a group of stoners having what they think are philosophical conversations at 3:00 a.m. “But like guys, have you ever like thought about...the rhombus?”

For real though, him being real with Claire about this drowning stuff makes him an infinitely more interesting villain than Black Jack ever was. Black Jack was kind of a crap villain tbh. He was horrible and did horrible things, yes, but like that was it. He was just horrible. Bonnet’s like oh I’ll charm you, be real with you and then fuck you up in the course of one episode and not give any of it a second thought because I have not a single fuck to give about anyone but me. I’m just out here living my best life, sorry not sorry. *puts on shades, drops mic, walks away*

For real though, his “be wary of thieves and outlaws” line might as well have been “it’s me, I’m talking about me.” And these dorks don’t even pick up on it. GUYS YOU ARE KILLING ME, YOU DIDN’T USED TO BE THIS SHITTY AT JUDGING SOMEONE’S CHARACTER.

I’m guessing this is the official christening-their-new-continent-bang because it’s too cold to do River Sex™ in Scotland. But I’m looking forward to getting the rest of Ch. 16 once they get to the Ridge. (We all saw those strawberries in the promo...)

The book lines still feel shoehorned in rather than organic to the show, but not as much as 95% of A. Malcolm felt. So I guess I need to just accept that the writers are going to keep doing this and I just need to stop expecting them to actually do their jobs and adapt for the adaptation...

For real though, I know Spotify doesn’t exist yet but jfc Jamie and Claire’s secksi time playlist literally just has this one song and guys, there’s a whole world of songs for smushing out there. My man Doug Judy would be glad to broaden your horizons.

Claire’s I just had sex smile as she looks out over the valley made me literalol.

Cool that we get woke!Jamie saying that the American Dream is a nightmare for the Native Americans after Claire’s Americana 101 speech, but this is a woman who lived in wicked racist 1960s Boston. She knows that things aren’t nice and rosy in America in the 18th *or* 20th centuries. Her speech makes me hate S3 a little more for focusing on Frank’s manpain instead of Claire and her and Joe’s time in the hospital, where the show could have explored gender and race in the 20th century to set up a contrast for how things will be this season in the 18th. Claire went through enough shit last time she was in the past, and so far this time, to know that the past isn’t idyllic. She knows enough about US history and 20th century America to know this mythical origin story she’s spouting is nothing but a fairy tale. I get why she might cling to that ideal, this is the first time in her life she might get to settle down and build a home with the person she actually wants to build a home with, but her whitewashing history like this strikes me as a way too naive for her.

The green screen as they stare out at that very much not actually there valley is killinggg me.

Ok for real though, this cut from them in the Uncanny Valley to the room getting ready for dinner is the most jarring of the episode. Like, I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is just a series of independent scenes rather than an actual, cohesive whole, but jfc. Who actually is Lillington, how do you know him? Nope? No info? Not important? Just need to get it out there that you have jewels so the last scene in the episode can happen so the ring can be taken so the rape can occur? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Ok so show!Claire makes me sad with being insecure/self-depreciating about her appearance. Like with saying brown is a dull color when Jamie calls her mo nighean donn the first time and when she asks Joe if she’s sexually attractive and when she dyes her hair before going back through the stones and now with the mutton dressed as lamb thing. (Claire, girl, how are you that up on Colonial fashion that you know what’s “age appropriate” already? Wouldn’t think there was much fashion gossip along the road from Georgia to North Carolina, but whatevs.) I know three of these four things are straight from the book, but in the show it hits me differently. Book!Claire is kind of a bitch when it comes to looks. Her parting words in her letter to Bree were “try not to get fat.” She like judged the crap out of that rando lady in Edinburgh before she went to the print shop just to make sure she didn’t look too old. So when she has these aforementioned moments, they land differently. Now I’m not saying I want show!Claire to be like book!Claire, quite the opposite. I’m glad they cut that other stuff. But now whenever show!Claire has a moment of self-consciousness, all I want to do is be like woman, you are a fucking smokeshow. Fuck the patriarchy for making you feel like you aren’t stunning exactly as you are. #LadyBonerForBeauchamp

Oh Governor Exposition. How nice of you to join our merry band of randos for dinner!

Man, I’d love to be so rich that I can pull a Baron and casually just happen to have 100 pounds on hand to buy a giant ruby at a random dinner party.

John Grey, who was shunted from shit post to shit post, totes is special enough to get Scotland’s Valjean to England’s Javert cleared. I mean, obvi.

Oh hey, Jamie remembers he has a daughter! Showed more emotion in that scene about how America would become her country than in the scene with the photos. Fuck Sam et al. for the disaster of a performance choice in ep. 306, don’t @ me.

OH HAI ROLLO I LOVE YOU YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD DOGGO I WANT TO SNUGGLE YOU WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU ARE

“I dinna ken. But she’ll be saying it in Scotland, won’t she?” I do love Young Ian a lot. I know that’s in the book. But dammit I love John Bell in this part a crapton.

Casually lol’ing that they crossed the ocean because Ian was taken and now that they have him, they’re just going to send him alone off to sea again.

The first time I saw the episode, when Lesley gave his “my place is at your side” speech I was like crap, we’re going to be stuck with this guy aren’t we. BUT WE’RE NOT! (I am a terrible person.)

Fergus and Marsali are totes going to be the new Jenny and Ian, aren’t they? The characters who just show up once or twice a season when the core squad needs something and that’s it? Because they get tossed aside in the books like that. That makes me super sad (and I hope I’m wrong) because of how they changed show!Fergus and show!Claire’s relationship from the book that we won’t get to see more of them together. Le sigh. I hope they at least let Bree have a scene where she meets Fergus and learns she has a brother. Especially if she’s not going to go to Lallybroch to meet the Murray squad because Jenny isn’t in this season. Part of what I loved about the Lallybroch part in the book was Bree realizing that she wasn’t just gaining a father but a whole extended family. I hope they kind of transfer that over to her meeting Fergus and Young Ian in the place of [insert Murray kids who let’s be honest we really don’t care about here].

Hey remember that time Jamie was wicked opposed to Fergus and Marsali getting married for literally no reason? That was fun. But yay for Germain!

Holy motherfucking green screen, Batman. Please can we get to the woods soon? Or some other location where it’s not this fucking jarring?

Claire America-is-the-land-of-milk-and-honey Fraser suddenly is overly-on-the-nose indignant about slavery. Cool. Cool cool cool. Again, you know what would have been cool? Seeing her with her best and only friend in the 1960s more last season because he was a Black man. If they had let Joe be a fully formed character, navigating racist af Boston as a doctor, rather than just being Claire’s sounding board and martini maker, we could have seen how Claire being exposed to his reality shaped her views on race in America. But nope, that would have taken air time away from Frank’s manpain. (Seriously, my recent re-watch only highlighted just how much they screwed over Claire’s character last season.)

I’ve always loved that Jamie gives Claire the medical box. It’s just such a simple way to demonstrate that he *gets* Claire. (*side-eyes a certain other husband who patently did not*)

Jamie’s bangs are an affront to anyone with hair. Someone please give that man his hat back!

“This ring is all I need.” Aaand that’s when we all knew that Jamie’s ring would be the one stolen.

“Not for a single day.” Uh, *casually points at the episode in season three when she retcons her entire life in Boston to be not as bad as it was because Jamie’s been such an asshat to her*.

Ok. Holy shit this final scene. I love everything about this final scene. Except the song. This show is not subtle. It’s never been subtle. But holy shit, playing the iconic Ray Charles version of America the Beautiful at the end of an episode called America the Beautiful to be like welcome to ‘Murrica, fuckos, is like even less subtle than they usually go. I 1000% LOVE the choice to cut the audio from the end of the fight scene and just have the visuals, it just would have worked much better if they’d scored with with a regular instrumental piece.

Gah, Bonnet is such a smarmy motherfucker! The nose wipe before he coldcocks Jamie is just perf.

Claire’s face in this entire scene, holy fucking shit. *throws all the awards at Balfe*

And then Lesley dies and I’m a terrible person because I’m happy we don’t need to be stuck with him all season. But holy shit Bonnet when he pauses right before he cuts his throat and then kills him, I love show!Bonnet so much more than I ever gave a shit about book!Bonnet.

And honestly, Claire’s face when he’s killed right in front of her. *throws more awards at Balfe*

GUYS I FEEL MORE EMOTION ABOUT CLAIRE TAKING OFF JAMIE’S RING THAN I DID ABOUT CLAIRE LEAVING BREE BEHIND TO GO BACK THROUGH THE STONES HOW IS BALFE SO GOOD AT MAKING ME FEEL FEELINGS

I’m so fucking glad they changed which ring gets taken. There was an interview where they were like “oh we did it because it has to be visually distinct so Bree can get raped!” and I’m like a) fuck you for including that and b) right decision, wrong reason. This is the right reason for the change.

But even as I say that they made the right call in which ring to have stolen, it’s still a fact that they fucking chose to have one stolen at all. The writers and production team decided that Brianna needed to be raped so a ring must be stolen. Because Diana never wrote a character she didn’t want raped and the Outlander producers never read a rape scene they didn’t want to include. Fuck them all very much for that.

Fuck Them Very Much for That, the title of my memoir.

Oh god her face right at the end when she sees that it’s fucking Fred’s ring she’s left with and not Jamie’s fucking murders me.

*THROWS AN ENTIRE TROPHY STORE AT BALFE*

[halsteadproperty]

Gardens, Courtyards, and Parks: Hidden Outdoor Spaces in the NY Metro Area

Curated by our Halstead agents

Few things are as coveted in the New York City area as green spaces. In the summertime especially, we all search for nature-filled areas to escape the noise, crowds, and pace of city life. We all know of the world-famous parks and gardens the area has to offer, but what about the lesser-known green spots—the secret gardens, hidden courtyards, and easily missed parks?

No one knows the hidden gems of New York City and its surrounding towns and cities better than our agents. So we asked them to share their favorite outdoor hideaways so that we can explore them for ourselves. Take a look at the hidden outdoor spaces they recommended, and find your new favorite place to unwind.

Palma West Village, NYC

“On a charming single-block street tucked away in the West Village is a restaurant that understands how to do garden dining right,” Janet Weiner shares. “With farmhouse décor and flowers everywhere you are transported to a romantic trattoria in Italy.” At Palma, attention to detail resonates in everything.

“Faithful to generations of family recipes and traditions and using only organic ingredients, the food is sublime—don’t pass up the pasta! The garden in back, overflowing with flowers and roses, is not to be missed. Its retractable glass ceiling makes outdoor dining possible year round.”

Janet recommends booking a table in the private carriage house for an intimate dinner party, while reserving the garden for a more festive event like an engagement or birthday party. “Dining in the garden at Palma is like taking a weekend getaway in the Italian countryside without leaving New York.”

Recommended by Janet Weiner of our Village office

Half-Moon Overlook Spuyten Duyvil, The Bronx

An intimate space on Palisade Avenue in Spuyten Duyvil, Half-Moon Overlook faces west and gives you a view of where the Hudson and Harlem Rivers meet. The small park is named for Henry Hudson's ship, the Halve Maen, and it is a beautiful perch to watch the sunset from and forget you're in a big city.

Recommended by the Sanjya Tidke Team of our Riverdale office

The Maidstone East Hampton, NY

The Maidstone has cozy fireplaces and a great bar inside, but it also has a beautiful garden where you can enjoy a drink or a meal. With umbrella-covered tables, benches, and plenty of greenery dotting the area, the garden is a great place to enjoy a friend’s company or sip on drinks with a larger group.

Shaded by large trees, there is a peaceful, almost park-like atmosphere here. “The grounds are absolutely beautiful,” Ani Antreasyan says. “And as a landscape designer, it’s one of my favorite places to hang out in East Hampton.”

Recommended by Ani Antreasyan of our East Hampton office

Amster Yard Turtle Bay, NYC

Tucked behind Instituto Cervantes, the Spanish Cultural Institute, Amster Yard is a true hidden gem. Vivian Ducat goes to this courtyard refuge to work sometimes and enjoys the Victorian atmosphere, with its iron grille work, wrought-iron chairs, and beautiful greenery.

Recommended by Vivian Ducat of our Harlem office

Rowayton Community Center Courtyard Rowayton, Connecticut

The land where Rowayton Library sits has a long and interesting history. Built over 100 years ago, the building that now contains the library used to be a barn and is on the National Register of Historic Places. 

Mike Barbis, who is a Commissioner for the town, shares the beauty of the barn's courtyard. It was renovated a few years ago and includes café chairs and tables where you can read or simply enjoy your surroundings. There's even a 100-year-old English Yew. On the property you can also find the dog park and the greenhouse, known as the Potting Shed.

Recommended by Mike Barbis of our Darien office

Tudor City Greens Tudor City, NYC

Two elevated spaces above 42nd Street and First Avenue offer a breath of fresh, quiet air above the maddening crowds below. The gardens are maintained by a neighborhood non-profit and boast much-needed shade, flower beds, benches, and gorgeous views.

Recommended by Madeleine Dale of our West Side office

Mount Prospect Park Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

A little-known park nestled between the Brooklyn Botanic Garden and the Central Library, Mount Prospect Park contains the second highest point in all of Brooklyn and was used as a lookout point during the Revolutionary War. The park is now frequented by locals and their dogs for early-morning playtime. It's close to Kris Sylvester's home, so he often goes there with his daughter so that she can practice riding her bicycle. 

Recommended by Kris Sylvester of our Village office

West Side Community Garden Upper West Side, NYC

Amelia Gewirtz was on her way to a friend's house when she heard jazz coming from a flower-filled area on 89th Street. She had happened upon the West Side Community Garden, hidden between Amsterdam and Columbus Avenues. Since then, the serene hideaway has become Amelia's favorite hidden garden, not only because of its stunning atmosphere, but also because of the many free music and theater events that are hosted there.

Recommended by Amelia Gewirtz of our West Side office

Terrain Garden Cafe  Westport, Connecticut

Terrain's greenhouse cafe has beautiful décor and seasonal menus, and there is an outdoor section as well. Enjoy a peaceful meal here surrounded by the lush greenery.

Recommended by Alison Mark of our Westport office 

St. Luke's Garden West Village, NYC

A green oasis in the West Village, the garden belonging to The Church of St. Luke in the Fields is a home for flowers, berries, birds, and butterflies. This is where Bo Poulsen used to have lunch, and though it's in plain sight, it's not nearly as visited as you would think.

Recommended by Bo Poulsen of our Village office

The Elevated Acre Financial District, NYC

Take the escalator at 55 Water Street to discover an expansive urban oasis above the bustle of the Financial District. Here you will find landscaped gardens, a lawn, winding paths, a beer garden, and an amphitheater. The views are pretty incredible, too.

Recommended by Madeleine Dale of our West Side office

Paerdegat Park East Flatbush, Brooklyn

Found in a part of Brooklyn with a lack of green spaces, Paerdegat Park offers a full recreation center including basketball and handball courts, a playground, benches, and most importantly, trees. 

Recommended by Wilford Nelson of our Fort Greene office

New Canaan’s Protected Lands New Canaan, Connecticut

The New Canaan Land Trust owns over 350 acres of land across the town in an effort to conserve the spaces. Included are the Bristow Bird Sanctuary, Watson-Symington Woodlands, Browne Preserve, and Silvermine Fowler Preserve. Found dotted around the town, these areas have diverse terrains and feature rivers, meadows, reservoirs, and wildlife.

Recommended by John Engel of our New Canaan office

Greenacre Park Turtle Bay, NYC

A beautiful urban green space nestled between Second and Third Avenues on 51st Street, Greenacre Park is a serene escape from the bustle of the city. It features a 25-foot-high waterfall flowing down a granite wall, a rarity in New York City. “It’s truly a hidden gem,” Ali Rubenstein says.

“Mature trees and landscaping fill the space to create a jungle-like atmosphere with tables and chairs sprinkled throughout. It’s a few blocks away from my apartment, so I frequent this tranquil oasis on the weekends in the spring and summer to enjoy my morning coffee. I always leave feeling refreshed and at peace.”  

Recommended by Ali Rubenstein of our Brand Team

Liz Christy Community Garden The Bowery, NYC

The oldest community garden in New York City, this green space was established by Liz Christy and a group of “green guerrillas” that cleaned up and beautified the then vacant lot. Today, you can find a pond, wildflower habitat, weeping birch trees, vegetable gardens, a grape arbor, and more.

Recommended by Madeleine Dale of our West Side office

Columbia Manhattanville Courtyard Manhattanville, NYC

Vivian Ducat was searching for a comfortable outdoor space to relax, so she headed to Columbia University’s Manhattanville campus. She walked alongside the Jerome L. Greene Science Center and came upon a lovely courtyard with shade-providing trees and colorful chairs and benches. “A breeze off the river makes it a very pleasant place to sit,” Vivian says.

Recommended by Vivian Ducat of our Harlem office

Public Hotel Garden Lower East Side, NYC

The Public Hotel has the popular Bowery Garden on its rooftop, but for a more casual atmosphere, try the small garden directly in front of the building on Chrystie Street. The space has picnic tables for you to enjoy a meal (consider getting something from the Jean-Georges food bar inside) and have a nice respite from the city.

Recommended by Bo Poulsen of our Village office

[noiseartists]

BLACANOVA: Warm and sunny dreamgaze from Seville

Blacanova are from Seville, Spain, and were created in 2006. Their music incorporates a wide range of genres, such as Shoegaze, Noise Pop, Dream Pop, Post Punk, Psychedelia or Post-Rock.

Their music is sometimes similar to Slowdive’s with a hint of My Bloody Valentine, but without the coldness or remoteness that you can find in the incumbents’ music. It is like listening to a warm Dreamgaze fire, sitting with old friends, a nice whisky (or cup of tea) in hand, comfortable. There is very little anguish or anxiety. I find their music leaves you at peace. It does not create more stress in your life, rather the contrary.

In this, Blacanova is a quite rare band, in genres where the music is more often than not a bit disturbing in its soundscape or arrangements. There is always warmth to be found in their music, maybe coming from mixing the soft female and male voices, always present in the forefront.

The only slightly grim part of their work are the LP and Ep’s covers. You can have a look on Bandcamp. you will see it is closer to Hans Ruedi Giger than to Eugène Gauguin.

I also love the way the use Spanish in their song and blends it so well with the music.

This, and their beautiful and talented music work, are the reason why I love Blacanova, possibly one of the more underrated Dreamgaze bands around.

Some history

In 2010, the band publishes its first LP with the label Foehn Records, titled homonymously Blacanova. Qualified as one of the most original and interesting proposals in the national independent scene by diverse prestigious written and digital publications (Rockdelux, Go Mag, Mondo Sonoro, La Vanguardia, Hypersonic, Playground, etc.), the LP is considered one of the best albums of the year in numerous lists of different media. After several advance digital singles, Blacanova presents at the end of 2012 his second LP, "How do you see the world a horse? ", edited by the Barcelona label El Genio Wrong. With his second LP, he also receives excellent reviews and appears in numerous specialized lists, the sound of Blacanova is consolidated from two basic elements: some letters that play with the desolate, macabre and at the same time hilarious deformation of the everyday and a musical discourse based on vocal games, layers of reverb, distortion and rhythmic patterns that they oscillate between slow and melodic developments and outbursts of powerful intensity. In the spring of 2015, the band released their third LP, "Devastated Regions." In this new installment, Blacanova repeats edition with The Wrong Genius and recording in the La Mina studios, by Raúl Pérez (McEnroe, Pony Bravo, Pumuky, etc.). The mastering is done by Doug Van Sloun in Focus Mastering (Omaha). The new LP is a step forward in the trajectory of the band and a different album in many aspects, betting on new and surprising arrangements (synthesizers, wind instruments and string) that share protagonism with the already characteristic guitars in compositions that are enriched with denser textures and worked. Dynamics and contrast are the basis of a disc where the game is important and not allowed borders when it comes to experimenting with sounds, structures and voices. The band has also released songs with other international labels, such as Series Two Records (USA), Slanty Shanty (USA) or TBTCI Records (Brazil) and has appeared in compilations edited by media such as RockdeLux, Go Mag, etc.

Blacanova currently consists of:

Manuel Begines (bass guitar, keyboards),

Inés Olalla (vocals, keyboard)

Eduardo Escobar (drums),

Cristian Bohórquez (guitar, keyboards, programming),

Paco Arenas (guitar, keyboards, programming),

Armando Jiménez (vocals, melodica, xylophone).

When asked what their music is about, the band tells us:

Blacanova incorporates a wide range of genres, including shoegaze, noise pop, dream pop, post-punk, psychedelia and post-rock. Dark, dense, hypnotic are adjectives used sometimes to describe our work by the musical press.

Our musical discourse is based on vocal duets, multiple reverb layers, lots of feedback, distortion and intensity outbreaks. We really enjoy including new arrangements in our recordings (synthesizers, strings, winds, etc.) which share the spotlight with guitars and create both dense atmospheres and luminous textures.

We always tried dynamics and contrast were essential in our albums with no boundaries to experiment with sounds, structures and voices.

THEIR MUSICAL WORK

You can find Blacanova’s musical work on Bandcamp. To date, it consists of:

Infidelidades Múltiples en "Úrsula, 10 años por amigos", song, 2002

Monja​, EP, June 2007

Perro​, EP, June 2008

Madre​, EP, March, 2009

Blacanova, LP, May 2010

Checoslovaquia, Single​, April 2012

¿Cómo ve el mundo un caballo?, LP​, September 2012

El Abrigo, single​, July 2013

La Soga, single, ​February 2015

Regiones Devastadas, LP​, March 2015

El Abismo, single​, December 2017

Zoe, single​, November 22, 2017

La Cabeza, LP​, January 2018

The music work is so vast that it is difficult to present all the LP and EPs individually.

One thing is for sure: when you listen to their work in order, you can hear how it matures over the year. Like a good wine. It does not change recipe or style, but improve their song-writing and arrangements knowledge, getting slowly at ease of who they are and what their music is.

To continue the wine allegory, their music is a very nice young wine at the beginning, turning slowly in a “grand cru” as the years progress.

Here are a few songs (one song by EP or LP in chronological order) to discover their music. for more, all their work is on Bancamp.

THE INTERVIEW

The Band

Where are you from? Where are you living now?

Inés, Edu, Paco, Villa and Armando are from Seville (Spain); Cristian is from Ceuta. We are all living in Seville or very close to this city.

What did you study?

It's a kind of bizarre mix, which includes grades like Psychology, Journalism, Engineering and even the horrible Business Administration.

What is your day job at present if any?

Another bizarre mix. Sometimes interesting, sometimes boring.

Do you dream to live from your music or is it a passion you do not want to spend your full time on?

It's really complicated to live from our music. You know, I am afraid this is far from ‘mass media music’, at least not in Spain.

You have a great history. Could you tell us more?

When we started, we never thought that we could release four LPs and a number of EPs and singles. Our released music reflects our history, we think, specially our evolution and feelings through the years.

Could you tell me how the band meet and decided to do music together?

It started as a kind of goth/ dark wave joke between friends at the very beginning. Nevertheless, Monja (2007), our first EP, mixed all our shoegaze, dream pop and post-punk influences for the first time. Perhaps we got our own style with the first LP (Blacanova, 2010).

Can you tell me the inspiration behind your band? You can detect the influences of shoegaze and have a very unique sound. You took all these influences to make your own music, your own sound, which is not easy. Could you tell more?

A number of shoegaze, dream pop, post-punk and even post rock bands are an important influence in our music. However, we think we got our own sound working on some pedal effects, keyboard and guitar textures, irregular melodic structures and vocal arrangements. Bass and drums were always clear and forceful. Furthermore, lyrics are important in our songs.

Was there a vision of sorts or did you know what you wanted to do when you started up

We were Shoegaze and post-punk music fans, so we knew what we wanted when we started up. However, we always tried not to do just ‘genre music’, but looked for an own identity.

Do you have any other musical side projects apart from this band?

Yes, we do. In fact, we are now focused on these projects. We are very proud of ‘La Cabeza’ (2018), Blacanova’s last LP, and we really enjoyed working on these songs. However, after the release of this album on January, Blacanova went on a hiatus and we are working on our side projects. Cristian, Inés and Paco are members of Martes Niebla and released their debut EP last April. They are going to record their first LP over 2019. Cristian is also making music with Escuelas Pías (they released their second LP on November). Villa, Edu and Paco are recording their new songs as Beladrone these days and they hope to release their first album this year too. Finally, Edu is also playing with Ultra Lutra. So, we really don’t stop making music at all.

Could you tell me more on the band composition?

Regardless of the demo’s origin, we always worked together with our songs.

Can you tell us more how you came to have the band’s name?

The band was named after Olga Baclanova, the leading actress in Freaks (Tod Browning, 1932), though her surname was changed slightly for phonetic reasons.

The Creative process

Who writes the song and the music and how do you get to the final song? Is it a community process, do you have leaders in composing or arranging music?

It has always been a collaborative process. We never believed in composing / spiritual leaders for Blacanova. It always sounded quite ridiculous between us ;)

Do you listen to the advice of your band mates? What would you do if they said a song was shit but you liked it?

We have always tried to work with the songs in order to get the band’s general approval. And most of the times we got this, probably because we have a shared idea of the Blacanova’s own sound.

There’s a degree of unconventional songwriting with you guys. Was it kind of intimidating going to record knowing people might not be engaging with the songs in terms of hooks and such and trying to deliver an engaging sound on record?

We have tried to be honest with our likes and dislikes. There is no sense in making music you don't believe in, even if some (or a lot of) people are not easily engaged with your songs. However, we never thought our songs were complicated or not easy to hear and enjoy. Perhaps it's just a question of time and relax. We always recommend not to do many things while you listen to our music. Just listen to it and enjoy it when you are not in a hurry.

Talking about the lyrics: who write them? Is there a common thread in them, a theme?

Most lyrics are written by our two singers: Inés and Armando.

Do you have a message that you want to get across in your music? If so, what are some of the messages you want to spread?

Our lyrics tend to be quite disconcerting and play with the distressing and hilarious distortion of everyday reality. There are many literary and cinematographic references in them too.

Did your listening habits changed over the years and does it affect what you write?

Probably they did. We have always tried to be aware of new bands and new sounds.

How is your recognition going worldwide? Is it growing? Are you happy with it?

We think our music has been well respected by Spanish music critics. Of course we are very far from being a massive band. Even some people say we are a kind of cult band or something weird in Spanish music.

We had the chance of recording and playing all these songs over more than 10 years. We also had people supporting us from different countries. So, it has been very nice and great for us. For a band like us it was really amazing to send some vinyl records from Seville to Shoegaze fans in countries as Indonesia, Chile, Poland, USA or France.

The path to music

Is it easy to find producers and studios where you lived for indie-rock? Your recorded sound is very good, which is not easy. Did you engineer the sound yourself, or did you have a sound engineer with you? If yes could you tell us more about him/her?

It is not easy to find top studios here, but we were very lucky with Raúl Pérez and his studio ('La Mina’). He is one of the best indie producers and sound engineers in Spain and we worked together from our very beginning. Raúl coproduced all Blacanova's songs with the band. We know each other very well so it was very easy to work together all these years. Probably Blacanova's songs are not easy to mix given the high number of tracks and sound layers we include in each song, but Raúl makes it easier.

Was it a community work to try to have the best sounding music possible or mainly driven by the sound engineer or by the band?

Always a community work. We were quite obsessive with some arrangements, textures and sounds. Raúl is a patient man ;)

Can you tell us how the recording process was?

Our recording process has always implied a hard pre-production work. We start with some demo songs, but, before going into the studio, we try to record all the keyboards and programming. After that, we usually record all the songs live, to get the rhythm and bass elements. Afterwards, we introduce the other elements. Mixing is one of the most important parts for us, as we also take it as a creative process, using ambient and modulations as very powerful tools.

How did the recording work differ over time?

Every time we record new songs, we are different people with new abilities, knowledge and new musical influences, so there is always an evolution, even in our tastes. As we always work with the same producer, he also bring new elements every time.

Is the recording material yours when you are out of a studio or do you borrow/rent it?

All the instruments are ours, but we use a lot of studio gear that belongs to the producer.

Did getting the live experience across on record create any pressure for yourselves in the recording process?

We think on how we would like the songs to be, so that is how we record them. After that we adapt them for the live performance.

Instruments: are you mainly a Fender band? Could you tell me what inspire you to use fenders rather than other brands?

Yes, all our current guitars are Fender. We use Jazzmaster, Stratocaster and Mustang bass guitars. We have sometimes been into other brands, but we love Fender, mainly Jazzmasters, because of their clean and bassy tone.

Do you have one favorite instrument or do you change often?

We usually stick to one instrument. We have sometimes changed, from guitar to synths, for example, but not very often.

Tell us what you are looking when trying to achieve your sounds? Do you experiment a lot or have a clear idea of what you want?

Sometimes we are looking for a sound we have in mind, other times for any specific one we have heard in a song. We have been experimenting all the time, mostly with guitar effects, and we can say that every record we have made sounds different in that way.

Who is the more knowledgeable with pedals? You use them a lot, to great effect.

We use pedals for guitars, so the guitar players (Cristian and Paco) are the ones who know more about them.

How many concerts a year would you do on average and what would be the size of the venue?

Depending on the year, when we released our second album, we did more than 20 concerts. That is the average when we release new material. We usually play in small venues, with an average capacity of 200 people, more or less. We really enjoy that kind of ven0ues.

MORE ABOUT THE BAND

Some good videos to watch

Some live videos

TVE (Spanish National TV) 1

TVE (Spanish National TV) 2

SIF Festival

TWIN PALM Festival

Some video clips

First LP: “BLACANOVA LP” (2010)

“Serie B”

“La Piel Dura”

“Debe Ser”

“Un Santo Oscuro”

“Los Buenos días”

Second LP: “¿CÓMO VE EL MUNDO UN CABALLO? (2012)”

“La Migala”

“Elabrigo”

Third LP: “REGIONES DEVASTADAS” (2015)

“La Soga”

“Tara”

“Nocturna”

Fourth LP: “LA CABEZA” (2018)

“El Ángel Exterminador”:

Their presence on the web

You can fin Blacanova’s music there:

Bandcamp

Spotify

Deezer

Youtube

And follow the band there:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

[happymetalgirl]

Deafheaven - Ordinary Corrupt Human Love

Getting to this album has been a challenge. Well, I should rephrase that, I’ve been listening to it a lot and taking breaks from it a lot ever since NPR streamed it the week before its release. Articulating my feelings about this album has been the challenge, and it was always going to be a challenge since even before it came out, not just because I have been a fan of Deafheaven since their groundbreaking 2013 release, Sunbather, but because so many other publications seem to be fans of theirs as well. Sunbather was a completely unforeseen critical success, and from the moment the stone that begat the ripple hit the pond, nearly every publication discussing Deafheaven has seemed to want to lather them with highly spiritual praise. And the deviants from the critical flock have of course been no less restrained in their expression of disdain for the band, be it the childish black metal purist mentality Deafheaven subverts by mixing bright ambience with blast beats and screamed lyrics that read more like personal poetry, or those who think some other blackgaze or ambient black metal act(s) should be getting this recognition instead.

Both of these responses to the band remained relevant when they released their follow-up, New Bermuda, in late 2015. It was an album that took many of the pretty parts of Sunbather and juxtaposed them boldly with the kinds of overtly dark and aggressive black metal parts that seemed motivated to silence the detracting notions that Deafheaven couldn’t reach the same blackened depths as bands like Gorgoroth or Mayhem. With the echoes of fanfare around Sunbather still in the air, critics mostly rushed to proclaim New Bermuda another masterpiece for the band. But fans largely saw it as kind of a slight step down, if not completely overshadowed by Sunbather. The heavier parts are impressive and enjoyable, and drummer Daniel Tracy especially put on an incredible display of talent on those parts to counter arguments that the band weren’t up to snuff on their black metal chops. Yet the intentional contrast between the crushing black metal sections and the flowery beauty of the calmer sections on New Bermuda took away from the alchemical blend between the two that made Sunbather so immediately stunning. It seemed like Deafheaven was out to prove something and trying to defy expectations by blatantly not repeating Sunbather and by playing hard enough to discredit their naysayers. Ultimately, music journalists lauded it and hard-hearted purists’ hearts remained pretty stone cold for the most part, though it left Deafheaven in an interesting position on where to go from there.

The lead-up to Ordinary Corrupt Human Love sparked a little bit of déjà vu as early reviews showered the album with praise as a return to the beauty of Sunbather as soon as the (albeit justifiably beautiful) singles, “Honeycomb” and then “Canary Yellow” were released. While the reception was familiarly positive to New Bermuda’s a few years prior, and the sound of the singles did feel somewhat similar to Sunbather, it felt like Ordinary Corrupt Human Love wasn’t going to be about all that familiarity, rather something else familiar yet not expected from Deafheaven.

Another reason this album has taken me some time to get to on here is the band’s music’s prominence within my personal life. Deafheaven has been a big part of the musical backdrop to my most meaningful friendships and my relationship with my significant other since 2013. I’ve delved into my deep, annoying love for Meshuggah and Gojira, but Deafheaven is where some of the most important people in my life and I have the most common ground. We have made a yearly tradition of seeing them live, their first three albums, their one-off single, and even their demo have been the musical score to our friendship together over the past five years. This context made it hard to gauge my own feelings on New Bermuda for the longest time after its release and I didn’t want to write about Ordinary Corrupt Human Love with the same uncertainty that clouded my thoughts on New Bermuda. This isn’t to say I wanted to block out the personal context this album holds and look at it coldly and solely analytically. The effect music has on my personal life and emotional state is definitely something important to me, and I would think most people would agree that they would like to have music they love play a significant role in their own lives. After all, who listens to music passionately and suppresses it from enriching their personal life and relationships?

I took my time because I wanted to become familiar with this album on the same personal level as I had with Sunbather, Roads to Judah, and New Bermuda. But I also wanted to be able to take my time to separate it from the drooling praise Pitchfork (and other publications flirting with the unlikely industry darlings like a potential goth girlfriend) were always going to give it and look at by itself it from a distance.

So how is Ordinary Corrupt Human Love, then?

Well, a lot of it stems from familiar musical ideas farmed from Sunbather as well as New Bermuda, but the first part of the album finds the band dramatically and contagiously bright in ways that seem to condense the more shimmering and euphoric parts of Sunbather into a few divine expressions of joy. It’s actually when the band repeats its past self more later on in the album that it stumbles a little bit. The band try a few new things on Ordinary Corrupt Human Love: George introduces his clean singing voice, they bring in a pretty big name collaboration for one song (Chelsea Wolfe), and they focus on and expand upon singular emotional facets of their sound for extended periods at a time.

The first track, “You Without End”, starts the album with a moody piano melody overlaid by slowly swelling, lush, post-rock/shoegaze guitar leads. Right from the start it feels romantic and endearing (as the title suggests in bright neon lights). Of course, part of that comes from its familiar instrumental tones that harken back to summers with Sunbather and my lover and I cooling down after the emotional flurry of “Dream House” with the beauty of its appendix song/section “Irresistible”. I’m sure I’m not the only one with an experience like that though. Nevertheless, “You Without End” is as sweet and loving as its first few minutes set it up to be. It integrates these spoken word samples full of flowery imagery at the beginning before George Clarke enters with his black metal screams over the more fully immersive guitar atmosphere that overtakes the piano. The song never taps into the more blackened side of Deafheaven’s sound instrumentally, instead keeping to more of the more post-metal/post-rock they cultivated during the softer moments of New Bermuda. The lyrics are as endearing as the title and instrumentals suggest, seemingly depicting a snapshot with one’s lover going down a dark, likely metaphoric tunnel of some sort (George’s lyrics are often deeply intertwined with or drawn from his own personal experiences). The last stanza, “And then the world will grow / And then the world will know of you, / Of all things love, of all things true” ends the song with a simple expression of adoration for a lover. It’s simple, it’s pretty, and it’s definitely the most laid-back introduction to a Deafheaven album so far. Its only real problem is perhaps that it doesn’t do as much as it could with the time it has, as well as only focusing on one facet of Deafheaven’s complex musical personality for such an extensive time.

The second track “Honeycomb” leads seamlessly out of “You Without End”. The song plays with a very similar tone to “Dream House” until the jubilant guitar solo near the middle of the track takes the song into mush less pensive territory. I was puzzled by this unfamiliar moment in the song at first, but after a number of listens it is definitely a fitting part of the song and the album. The band sound happier to be alive than they did three years ago, with the lyrics “I’m reluctant to stay sad / life beyond is a field a flowers” indicating a newfound joy in life and solitude within the same world that spawned so much torment. I could be projecting a bit here onto the lyrics, as George ends the song by calling his love a “bulging, blue-faced fool / hung from the throat / by sunflower stems”. But the music, especially the bright, shoegaze-y exit section, paints a picture of emotional triumph that demands to shine for all the world to see. The more one-dimensionally joyful mood set by the song’s lyrics renders it less emotionally dynamic and conflicted than songs like “Luna” or “Dream House”. But it’s a pretty good representation of Deafheaven at their brightest and most at peace, something I wouldn’t want to take away from them.

I love the opening clean guitar passage and the heavenly ethereal choir vocals hovering behind it on the third song “Canary Yellow”. Very reminiscent of bands like Explosions in the Sky at their most elated, this post-rock part of the song carries the euphoria from “Honeycomb” over to the second side of the first record. When the song reaches its metallic threshold of its swell it reminds me of the title track from Sunbather and of “Baby Blue” with the early metal section’s prominent guitar pull-offs. It keeps to the more Sunbather-like explosion of semi-melancholic emotion, and George’s clean delivery of the final refrain, “on and on we choke on an everlasting handsome night / my lover’s blood rushes right through me” echoing in the background provides a conclusive feeling to the mysteriously and visually vivid poetry preceding it that seems to worship a lover’s allure and complexity in some way. The diverse imagery is difficult to piece together and the more familiar blend of pensive post-rock and cathartic black metal still only seems to contribute to this complexity of emotions on the song.

“Near” is the first kind of breather song on the album. At only five and a half minutes, it’s a simple, daydreaming reverb-y, ambient post-rock piece on which George Clarke sings entirely cleanly for the first time for the band. The nondescript style with which he sings kind of points to what seems like a lack of complete confidence in his abilities to go beyond the small range he sings in here. Perhaps they’re keeping live shows in mind and making sure this will be something George can sing after belting out black metal screams for half an hour or more. It’s definitely more of a mood piece than anything else; it’s pretty, but it feels like it’s not bringing much new to the album aside from the romantic longing its short lyrics portray. The three-line song, “Thought I saw you there / Wishing you were near / Can I rest for awhile” introduces the first deeply melancholic moment on the album, but it feels like it perhaps floats through it for a little too long, a little too inactively. It’s not bad and it makes sense in the context of the album, but it’s no “Please Remember” or “Irresistible”.

“Glint” could kinda-sorta be considered this album’s “Vertigo” for its long, winding guitar intro accented nicely with ride cymbal. The heavier section of the song rides more blast beats than what has preceded and traverses a few emotional shifts quite akin to those aplenty on Sunbather. Though reminiscent of the dynamic of their sophomore effort, “Glint” is a little less consistent in the potency of the emotions it conjures. It stays more focused on the heavier side of the band’s sound and I appreciate the way they show their dynamic abilities even without resorting to soft post-rock bits, but it feels like an afterthought compared to what they accomplished all across Sunbather and on the best parts of New Bermuda. The lyrics deal with aging and the beauty that remains with it, as well as what seems to be potentially conception and birth, again focused on an aging relationship with a well-adored lover. It’s a difficult song to draw any particular meaning from beyond its upfront, and possibly somewhat naïve, musings upon aging love, but it’s a decent addition to the album, with a good couple of interesting guitar passages.

The sixth song, “Night People”, is another short, piece that eschews any black metal presence in favor of semi-gothic ambience. It’s also the track to which Chelsea Wolfe and her longtime collaborator Ben Chisholm lent their vocal and production talents. I had seen both artists teasing their collaboration in the studio, and naturally got pretty fuckin’ hyped to hear Chelsea Wolfe, now confidently immersed in writing unique, experimental, sludgy, post-metal after Hiss Spun, with Deafheaven. Perhaps it was me setting my expectations too high/specifically, but I found “Night People” to be kind of underwhelming and Chelsea Wolfe’s unique vocal talents criminally underutilized. It’s a nice, soothing breather song (despite the gruesome illustration of drug-addicted night life it seems to poetically depict in odd contrast to the love-themed songs before it) and she carries the song vocally in a way that, even as subtle as it is, shows how vast the vocal talent gap is between the two. George is a good vocalist in his own right, but he brings nothing special with his clean singing, which he arguably doesn’t deserve to be doing alongside Chelsea Wolfe. As for her contribution to the song, Chelsea can do, and has done, so much more with her unique voice and she’s clearly more confident than ever amid booming drums and thick walls of distorted guitar sound. I can see why they might not want to do some other long-ass song with a feature role like Chelsea’s being so potentially critical to the song that they wouldn’t be able to replicate it in a live setting, but it still feels like such a wasted opportunity on the album.

“Worthless Animal” closes the album on a strange lyrical note, an allegory of speaker protecting the innocence and absence of fear of a young deer from an impending wolf’s preying. The final line, “all who have forgotten remember now” perhaps suggests an unsettling return to reality from the love-laden euphoria expressed previously with mental scars of needing to fight and drive out primal violence with violence to protect something cherished. It’s probably the strangest George has been lyrically for he band, but it narrates well and provides a tangible feeling of realization of the difficulty of loving and maintaining beauty amid merciless cruelty. Nevertheless, it kind of feels like a weird place to end the album lyrically, ending with confrontation of the gritty reality the album’s title surrounds rather than doing that first, or at least earlier, in the album and using it to frame the nobility of the innocent love they worship on the first four, maybe five, songs. Musically “Worthless Animal” sounds like a combination of something like “The Pecan Tree” from Sunbather and something like “Violet” from Roads to Judah. Like a lot of their debut album it finds the band falling a little bit into less unique and fully identity-formed post-metal and it doesn’t bring quite as many fresh sounds or new ideas to the table at this point on the record, ending it on kind of a less expressive note than it definitely could have from an instrumental standpoint.

Overall, Ordinary Corrupt Human Love is a fine addition to the Deafheaven catalog, but like the very love the title references, it doesn’t come without its own blemishes. This is probably the first Deafheaven album that expends the vast majority of its creative energy in the first half. The creative slowdown and the strange lyrical trajectory that the last few songs take make me wish that the uglier underside of human nature depicted through those songs was done perhaps a little more vibrantly and maybe even with the same overt darkness that characterized the extreme depths of New Bermuda. It’s these times when the band seems like they’re trying to recapture the emotional diversity of Sunbather that they fall short, considering what that album proved this sound could do. As for the more optimistic love songs on the album, they’re honestly among Deafheaven’s best work and they make me wish they perhaps chased more exclusively the euphoria that they captured on those songs for the rest of the album from both the lyrical and musical standpoint. Both the shimmering beauty made bombastic by the metallic supplement to Deafheaven’s more brightly atmospheric pieces and George Clarke’s vivid and sensory poetic style pair well in the context of the musing love songs that set the early mood of the album. Knowing how personal George Clarke’s lyrics are, the confusing lyrical trajectory this album takes makes me wonder where he stands mentally and emotionally. Granted these songs’ lyrics probably weren’t all written in the same week, but being that they speak to a central topic, I wonder to what degree do these respective snapshots represent George. I also wonder what could be next for Deafheaven musically. I wouldn’t say they’ve fully backtracked, though I’m sure some will say so, but the last half of the album shows that they seem to have exhausted that style of playing or at least that they can’t quite outdo Sunbather at its own game right now. It makes me both eager and anxious for what the future hold for them, as I’m sure they are as well.

A short personal coda:

Deafheaven’s music has been such a beautiful, phasic, soundtrack that has strangely synched up with what's been going on in my life ever since I first heard it in 2013.

Sunbather captured a time of my life full of dreams and naive love of so many sorts, and the beauty that album conveyed was like nothing I had ever experienced, and like so many other new experiences around that time, gave me this hope for my future and the life I share with the ones I love being full of that kind of beauty.

New Bermuda seemed to symbolize the immense darkness that crept into my life when I also moved just before it came out, to a place I too became disillusioned with, away from the person I love most. But it also mirrored the duality of deep, pitch black depression, wanting to end my life so many times and not being able to / stopping myself from doing it because I couldn't let myself do that to her.

And now Ordinary Corrupt Human Love has come at a time of growth and triumph from that time of darkness with all sorts of realizations about my own love, ordinary, flawed, and beautifully human as it is. The wildly beautiful sounds on this album once again match this new outlook on the world and human life, as corrupt as it may be, and being in a place now where I can see the beauty I wasn't able to for a long time after accepting its inevitable blemishes, and not just the idealization I was chasing and dreaming of.

I have to thank Deafheaven for all the music they've poured their hearts into. It has done what most music strives so much to do even with the knowledge that it likely won’t, and truly changed my life.

New Bermuda provided the solidarity I needed through the darkness it embodied and the encouragement to come back to the place of beauty I was in with Sunbather, and Ordinary Corrupt Human Love has been a fitting expression of how much more secure I am in that place of beauty, acknowledging now instead of trying to avoid the imperfections of my own and everyone's love.

I wonder if Ordinary Corrupt Human Love has set any kind of direction for the future for Deafheaven as well?

[theatredirectors]

Catie Davis

Hometown?

Peekskill, NY – about an hour north of NYC.

Where are you now?

NYC! I live in Sunnyside with my boyfriend, Jake, and our rescue dog, Edison.

What's your current project?

I am currently the associate director of Beetlejuice which is going out of town to the National Theatre in D.C. this fall. I’ve been involved with the show for almost a year and a half now and am really excited to be approaching a full production and to get to share it with the outside world.

I’m also developing two new musicals: Medusa, by Wes Braver and Rachel Dean, and Forget Me Not, with book & lyrics by Kate Thomas and music by Joey Contreras. Medusa is an adaptation of the Greek myth that unpacks the emotional and psychological experience of a young foreign woman who sought to make change in the world, but thanks to the broken system in which she found herself, went down in history as a gorgon. It’s been really interesting developing this show during the #MeToo movement, where the playing field is constantly changing. Forget Me Not tells the story of a remote costal town where a whale washes ashore and brings a burst of attention back to a struggling community. Inspired by the 1970 Oregon exploding whale and the Long Island serial killer, this musical is a fascinating mashup of scenarios that examine what we would do to keep from being forgotten.

Why and how did you get into theatre?

I joined the Peekskill High School Drama Club when I was a sophomore because my best friend was in it. I had just seen Spring Awakening on Broadway which opened my eyes and heart to how relatable musicals could be. The drama club was led by a retired dancer who gave the students a lot of control, and I immediately threw myself all in. I had always been a natural leader, and so when I was elected president of the club as a junior I decided to give student-directing a go. We did a production of The Crucible that fall, and I was hooked. I remember wishing at times that my club had better resources like many of the surrounding Westchester school districts, some of whom would go so far as to rent Broadway set pieces for their productions, but in retrospect I wouldn’t change a thing. I was given leadership opportunities that few sixteen-year-olds get and discovered my passion.

What is your directing dream project?

I would absolutely love to direct a musical at Shakespeare in the Park. Seeing Hair there back in 2008 completely changed my idea of what an audience and performer relationship could be. There’s something so magical about 1,800 people coming together to see a show not because they have all this money to spend on theater, but because they spent the time waiting in line for the opportunity. The untamable element of nature at the Delacorte Theater makes the whole thing even more magical and unpredictable.

What kind of theatre excites you?

I am excited by timely stories that are created and performed by a diverse group of people; stories that remind me of the value of embarking on an emotional journey in a room together. I belief we will be in deep trouble when we lose our ability to relate to one another, and theater gives us that necessary lesson in empathy. A score is typically the first thing I respond to, and I’m excited when I hear something new and original that really hooks me emotionally. I’m also excited when I see something or read something that completely changes how I view a character or historical event. I remember the first time I read Jean Anouilh’s Antigone, in which an architype like Creon makes a compelling, complex, and emotional argument for why Antigone should give up trying to bury her second brother, I suddenly felt like Greek tragedy was humanized and within reach.

What do you want to change about theatre today?

I’d love to see theater be more inclusionary of all types of people and stories. As a young woman, I am tired of going to see shows (especially stories about women) that were created entirely by teams of established white men. I am motivated to change that demographic with my presence and with the production teams I assemble. I don’t think enough value is placed on the lived experience an artist brings to a project, instead value is given to Broadway credits, and we end up with the same group of people making shows over and over. I just don’t think that’s very interesting or that it gives unique value to different shows. I’d also like to see more new works getting produced on a large scale. Arpita Mukherjee, who previously wrote for this blog, suggested a scenario where only new works get produced for a year, and that sounds awesome to me. I’m not opposed to adaptations, or revivals, that put a new lens or spin on a story we know, but think we need to hear from writers who are responding directly to the world we live in now.

What is your opinion on getting a directing MFA?

When I graduated from undergrad I was eager to get some work experience under my belt, and had a lot of student loan debt, so I figured an MFA was at least a few years down the line. Since then, working as an assistant and associate has felt like grad school; I’ve been able to observe really smart, passionate theater artists and learned a lot from them. I may still some day decide to go for my MFA, but I think I’ll know that time has arrived if I feel like I’m hitting a wall and no longer growing as a director, and fortunately there have been lots of other ways I’ve been able to challenge myself thus far.

Who are your theatrical heroes?

I have a deep appreciation for good stage managers; I wouldn’t make it through a single day of rehearsal without them and think they deserve to be acknowledged more publicly and regularly by our industry.

I owe so much to the actors who say yes to 29-hour readings or little development steps. Who, even though you can’t afford to give them anything more than a metro card, give you all their positive energy and bring so much clarity to the thing you’re developing.

I really admire the Public Theater for its initiatives to make theater inclusive and accessible, as well as for their leadership’s willingness to take risks with the work they produce and people they employ.

And personally, I am so grateful to Alex Timbers who has mentored and trusted me to be his associate over the past few years. I hear horror stories about experiences people have assisting, and he has been nothing but kind and supportive of me. I hope to pass that along as I grow and mentor younger directors.

Any advice for directors just starting out?

1. Trust your instincts. I directed my first real show outside of high school when I was seventeen. I had a cast from around New York and New Jersey, most of whom were older than me, and about one eighth of a production team. When I think back on that process, I remember feeling like I knew exactly what I was doing, and the crazy thing was – people trusted me. With the conviction and passion to tell the right story, my ragtag group managed to make something special. So, if you’re feeling compelled to direct, follow that instinct and find a way to make it happen. 

2. Say Yes! The biggest regret I have from the past five years was turning one specific project down. I didn’t feel like I totally jived with the creative team, I didn’t trust that they were going to make script changes without a fight, and so it just didn’t seem worth it. Now that same project has had a really cool production and is continuing to move forward. It took watching that train pull out of the station without me on board to realize there was no real reason to say no to it, and that I would have grown from the challenges it brought. I’m not suggesting you should say yes to everything – there are projects that will be in poor taste or with bad people that you should say no to (trust your instincts!), but until you have a really strong reason to say no, I suggest giving it a shot.

Plugs!

Tickets for Beetlejuice are on sale now! And D.C. is just a quick train ride or cheap bus ride away. Visit www.beetlejuicebroadway.com

I am helping my good friend and brilliant actress Tara Halpern develop her solo cabaret which will be performed at The Duplex on September 10. Tara’s hilarious piece, titled The Boys I Loved in Catholic School, takes us on an early 2000s teen-pop journey through her first twelve crushes, and considers the impact of pop media on young women’s self-worth. Keep an eye on catie-davis.com/news for ticket info, as well as updates on other projects!