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pearlessance · 2 months ago

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A Dance In The Dark

Joel Miller x f!Reader

Summary: Joel has always taken care of you. Always been your kind, attentive protector. And that doesn’t change, even when you read a scene from a dark romance novel and discover your tastes may be a bit more sordid than you once thought. But even in this he wants to grant you your every wish—and when he offers to put on a mask and chase you through the woods, the opportunity is just too wicked to pass up.

Warnings: Explicit sexual content MDNI, feelings of embarrassment and shame, established relationship, Joel ties readers hands with his belt, knife play, BDSM undertones (primal play specifically), sexual aggression, degradation, fingering, p in v, hair pulling, shameless smut this is basically just pure filth

NOTE: this is a cowrite i did with joelmillersgirlfriend! we busted this out in less than two days because i was bound and determined to get this published on the best holiday of the year! please check out her stuff over on AO3 where we have several other cowrites because i love her 🩷

happy halloween my loves 🩷

Read on AO3!

MASTERLIST

You don’t tell him right away. Don’t tell him at all, really.

Joel discovers your peculiar fascination all on his own.

He’s late coming home from work. His dinner sits on a plate in the microwave, leftovers packaged and put in the fridge for his lunch tomorrow. His lack of punctuality is nothing new, but you’ve always been good at filling the time and finding a distraction while you wait for him.

On this particular night, you’ve changed out of your clothes and into one of his T-shirts, nestled into a soft cocoon on his side of the bed, book in hand. The tea in your mug on your nightstand has gone tepid, too lost between the pages to consume anything but the content in a timely manner.

You’d found it in the horror section, a book written by a name you’d never heard of, a story of a young woman’s abduction with overarching themes of perseverance and self-discovery. You find it a bit graphic from time to time, the details of her torment vivid and lifelike. But that’s to be expected in a horror novel and doesn’t surprise you.

The part that does surprise you, however, is the romantic undercurrent between the woman and her captor. He makes declarations of love, fully admitting his obsession with the young woman, claiming to want nothing from her but her own empowerment.

It’s an even bigger surprise when you reach the halfway point and discover that your horror novel is also an erotica. And the text is well-written, pulling you into its depths, and you think it might be the craziest yet best book you’ve ever read if for nothing else than the way it makes your heart race behind your ribcage.

“Is it that good?”

His voice startles you so badly the book falls from your hands and into your lap. “What?”

Joel laughs, a soft sound of amusement. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he says, toeing off his shoes. He leans over the edge of the bed to press his lips to your forehead, and you find yourself swimming in the subtle affection.

And you know it’s because you’ve been reading smut for the last three hours straight, but the feel of his lips against your skin is heavenly. You abandon the book, tucking the edge of the dust jacket inside the pages to mark your place and discarding it onto the nightstand. It’s second nature as you twist your hands into the soft fabric of his flannel and pull him close.

He smells like pine and sawdust and sweat. His hands are rough and calloused as he cradles your face, lips turning upwards against yours. When you deepen the kiss, sliding your soft tongue against his, Joel laughs again, a little darker this time. He pulls away and the loss makes you whimper because you need him. And the bastard knows it. Because when his gaze roams over your face, lingering on your lips, there’s a heavy undertone of lust behind the playfulness. “S’alright, sweet girl,” he says gently. “None of that whinin’. M’gonna take care of you like I always do. Just wanna know what’s brought this on is all.”

You’re not sure you can admit the truth to him. And even more than that, you don’t have the words to explain that what’s got you so worked up is a scene in your book where the main character is being chased through the woods, her captor wearing a Halloween mask, under the pretense that if he catches her, he’s going to fuck her. Your cheeks warm at just the idea of such an admission, so instead you say, “I just missed you is all.”

Joel doesn’t believe it for a second. He knows you like the back of his hand and sees easily through the lie. And when he glances at your book on the nightstand twice, you know you’ve been caught before he even says a word. “Thought that was one of those scary books you like.”

“It is,” you tell him. Because, technically, it’s the truth.

He narrows his eyes at you, that all-knowing smirk still plastered on his face. “Yeah? Bein’ scared’s what’s got you all squirmy like this?”

As much as you’d like to deny it, to argue his assessment, Joel leans over a little further and his weight on top of you, heavy and sure and safe, makes your breath catch in your lungs. Warmth pools low in your belly and that low, husky tone in his voice only makes matters worse.

“Think whatever’s in that book’s got you all worked up. What’s it about, baby? Hm?” Joel shoves the blanket out of the way and slides his hand between your body and his. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to the feeling of his hands on you, the contrast of his roughness against all your softest parts. It’s like the first time every time, and you can feel the steady thump of your heart as it hammers behind your sternum.

Heat rises up your chest when his hand touches your favorite spot, already knowing what he’s going to say. You’re drenched, the insides of your thighs slick with excitement. Joel breathes out a tell-tale hiss at the feeling, pulling back to glance down at you. Humor is suddenly nowhere to be found on his face, no smirks or teasing words. Just dark, hot lust, turning Joel’s eyes black.

“Christ,” Joel groans, continuing to explore between your legs.

You don’t want to tell him what the book’s about, and thankfully he seems to forget he’d asked the question as his long fingers find their place, curling inside of you.

Joel keeps his promise. He takes care of the ache for you like he always does. He makes you finish on his fingers and his tongue and when he finally sinks deep inside you it feels like relief. You warm up leftovers for him afterward, and he doesn’t pressure you about talking about your book. Instead, he tells you about his day while the two of you sit at the kitchen table and the light of his love fills you from the inside out.

You finish the book in less than two days, but its content lives in your head for far longer.

Showering, cooking, running errands - you find yourself thinking about that scene in the woods so often you begin to wonder if it’s altered your brain chemistry.

That weekend you go out for drinks with a couple of girlfriends, letting Joel know you’ll likely be late coming home. He makes you promise to call him if you need a ride and says he’s going to invite Tommy over to watch the game.

It’s nothing out of the ordinary. Joel’s little brother practically lived with the two of you until Maria stepped into the picture, and you pinky swear to call if you need him.

You don’t, though. You spend more time gossiping and laughing and catching up than you do drinking. But it’s dark when you pull into the driveway, and though you don’t see Tommy’s truck you assume Joel might have picked him up and you fully expect to see him standing in your kitchen with a hand in the fridge grabbing another beer.

Tommy’s nowhere to be found, though. And there’s no referee calling shots on the flat screen. There’s no sound at all, in fact. At first, it alarms you. But then you see Joel sprawled out on the couch in sweatpants and a navy blue t-shirt with a book in his hand.

He glances up from the pages only long enough to smile up at you and say, “Hey, sweetheart. Have a good time?”

You hesitate, watching him from where you stand at the doorway. Joel read occasionally, but only if he needed to. If he wanted to learn a new song on guitar, if he had taken on a new car project and had to teach himself how to repair it. He didn’t read for luxury.

“Yeah, it was nice. What about you? Where’s Tommy?” you questioned, tiptoeing over to where Joel was spread out. The book was positioned in a way that didn’t allow you to see its cover, but it most definitely wasn’t one of Joel’s manuals.

Joel turned to grin at you, his eyes scanning your body, stopping to look at the frown on your lips.

“He canceled, ditched me to hang out with Maria,” he huffed, rolling his eyes. Your frown deepened as you moved closer to Joel, still eyeing the book in his hand that was conveniently covered by his large palms.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve come back sooner,” you said, reaching down to run your palm through his gray-streaked hair. You had convinced him to stop touching up his roots, some sick part of you loving how mature he looked.

“I didn’t wanna interrupt. ‘Sides, I wanted to see what got you all worked up the other night,” Joel explained casually, finally exposing the book he was holding. All of the colors left your face as you processed what was happening, that he was more than halfway done with the story. Joel was well into reading the disturbing erotica, but somehow still hadn’t put it down.

“This is some dark stuff. You’re telling me that this is what had you drippin’? Had you clenched around me, legs shaking?” Joel asked, breaking heavy eye contact with you to go back to reading.

“Come on, Joel. Give it back,” you whined, reaching down to pull it out of his hands. The word embarrassed didn’t cover how you truly felt. Mortified was a better fit.

He wrestled around in your hold, turning his back to you and shielding the book with his body. “Not yet, I’m just about to reach the good part. I wanna know what happens when he catches her.”

Maybe not mortified. You were fucking humiliated. Tears threatened to spill as you reached down, pawing at Joel’s arms to grab the book. “Stop it. It’s just a stupid fantasy, I know it’s dumb.”

Joel glanced back to see the wetness filling your eyes, instantly releasing his grip so you could take the book back. His large palm reached up to cradle your face, to comfort you.

“Hey now, I never said it was dumb. I didn’t mean to upset you. I guess I never really knew you were into that kind of stuff. Nothing’s wrong with it.”

His words are sincere and make you feel a little bit better, but you still feel ashamed that Joel had read the book. You know he’d never judge you, but it feels like your closest kept secret has been thrust into the light without your permission. Warmth spreads over your face, down your neck, twisting your stomach into knots. “I know but I…I just didn’t expect you to read it.”

“Then I won’t,” he says quickly, pushing himself up off the couch. He places a warm hand on the side of your neck and says again, “I won’t. I promise. No tears baby, alright?”

You nod and sniffle, trusting him, knowing that his words hold sincerity. Exhaling a long breath, you try to shove the mortification away and focus instead on this man before you who loves you enough to learn everything about you, even the things best kept hidden.

Joel gives you the book and you shove it in the back of your side of the closet, hidden beneath a shoe box. He helps you out of your dress and showers with you, washing your hair while you tell him all about girls’ night and the newest gossip.

After, when you’re both cozy in bed, wrapped up tight in his strong arms, stealing his warmth with your cold feet against his legs, you think maybe you might’ve overreacted about the book. You know Joel would never judge you, not even about this. You think maybe the embarrassment comes from somewhere within, that maybe it’s more like insecurity than shame. And so you say, “I’m sorry about earlier. You can finish the story if you want.”

Joel presses a kiss into your hair. “Not really my type of book, anyhow.”

Even though he says it mostly to comfort you, the words make you laugh. You bury your face into the crook of his neck and can feel the vibration of his amusement as he shares the moment with you.

And when you both settle enough to speak again, his voice is a little quieter as he asks, “You want me to do that to you?”

This time you fight your shame. Wrap it up tight and store it away for something else, something more worthy than a peculiar taste. You think about yourself in place of the main character, running between thick tree trunks with dead leaves crunching beneath your feet.

You think of Joel in place of the woman’s captor, mask over his face, presence dark and looming as he seeks you out. A shiver runs down your spine, so sharp and demanding that your body trembles in his hold.

“S’okay if you do,” he murmurs. You can feel each word through his chest, a delicious tremor against your suddenly too-hot skin. Joel lifts his hand and brushes your hair gently away from your face, thumb tracing the outline of your lips. “Know it did somethin’ to you. Turned you real greedy the other day. Hm?”

Arousal pools low in your belly, and you can hear your heart in your ears. You think he could convince you to do anything when he talks like that, voice low and gravelly. “Maybe,” you say. “I don’t know.”

“Read another part,” he whispers. His thumb travels slowly down your chin, over the curve of your jaw, down the column of your throat. “He’s got that switchblade in his hand. Touches her real nice, all sweet and loving. But he keeps that blade right…” Joel drags his index finger slowly across your neck. “ Here .”

The sound that escapes you is more than need, it’s something else entirely; more like desperation. You didn’t think it was possible to want him any more than you already do but this Joel who strikes just the right amount of fear in you? He makes your mouth water, makes you tremble and shake with just the caress of a single touch.

He grips the back of your thigh with his free hand, pulling you close, pressing you tight against the growing erection behind the cotton fabric of his boxers. Joel’s always been insatiable for you, sometimes getting worked up just from staring at you too long. But you begin to wonder if this is something he wants, too. “Should take you out someplace real nice,” he mutters. “Get all dressed up. You can wear that pretty pink sundress I like. Take you out to a nice dinner, treat you so fuckin’ good…an’ when the sun sets, I’d drive you someplace real dark. Let you loose.”

Even though he’s barely touching you, thumb stroking the skin of your hip gently, your clit pulses between your legs, hips shifting against him of their own accord. Your breath comes fast and labored and you think you’ve never been this fucking wet before—never wanted him so bad . It feels like you can’t think, can’t breathe without it, without Joel .

“Give you a head start,” he continues. “Long enough for me to put a mask on. Wouldn’t even let you see it ‘til I catch you…An’ I will catch you, sweet girl…but you’d have no way of knowin’ who it was. Could be me. Could be anyone.”

The idea is filthy and disgusting but your body doesn’t seem to mind. Your spine arches, breasts pressing up against his chest. Joel lays there stone still, holding you, letting you rut against him like a woman starved. “ Please ,” is all you manage to choke out. He hardly acknowledges the word, but you can feel the smirk form on his lips against the shell of your ear.

“I’d fuck the good girl right out of you,” he says. “Fuck you ‘til you’re nothin’ but a dumb little slut.”

“Jesus— Joel .” He's degraded you before, but it’s never been like this, never felt like this. You reach between your bodies and palm his cock in your hand, and a dark laugh leaves him as he helps you.

In a few quick movements, he pulls himself out of his boxers, shoves your panties to the side, and sinks his cock inside of you, filling you so full it hurts . But you don’t care, because there’s nothing more you need than this, and thankfully he understands. Like he always does .

Joel fucks you right then and there, whispering filthy things all the while, and you think he’s always understood you. Maybe even more than you’re able to understand yourself. Older and wiser and gracious—always giving you exactly what you need, exactly what you want.

Before you fall asleep that night, he kisses you softly and asks, “Do you want me to tell you before it happens? To warn you?”

You’re not sure how to answer at first. Because the concept as a whole terrifies you; it’s new and foreign and dangerous. And you think you might need the warning to calm yourself enough to enjoy it.

But you trust Joel. More than anyone else in the world, you know he’ll always keep you safe. You know he’d never do anything to hurt you.

And so, you pull the blankets tighter around your shoulders and say, “No. I want it to be a surprise.”

That night, you dream about a man chasing you through darkness whose hands feel more familiar than your own. You think about it for the next week. Daydreaming at work, while you’re making dinner, while you’re driving to run errands. It’s all you can think about, the only thing that fills the gaps of silence in your day-to-day life.

You wait. And wait. And wait .

Joel tells you Friday night that he’ll have to work overtime this weekend to make up for a lost part shipment. Nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. Saturday morning he encourages you to sleep in, kisses your forehead before he leaves, tells you he loves you. And despite no inclination from him, you have a feeling that today is the day.

When you wake up a little while later, the sun casts shadows through the blinds, and you notice that Joel’s placed that pink sundress on his side of the bed. Laid it out for you.

You shower and groom yourself, mentally preparing for the moment it finally happens. It has to be today. And if Joel is lucky and planned it out right, he’d find out that you opted out of wearing panties underneath the sundress. He’d find you slick, shaved, aching in anticipation.

He notices your nervous excitement when he comes home from work, late and covered in sweat from a long day. You’re practically bouncing on your heels, having spent the entire day filling the time, waiting for his arrival. The sun had already started to set in the distance - you probably only had about an hour left of the day.

Please, God, let it be today .

“Sorry I’m late, sweetheart. Had an electrician cancel last minute, left me scramblin’ to get the project covered. I didn’t mean to keep you waiting,” he muttered into your lips as he greeted you. His arms wrapped around you, his body warm and hot against the thin fabric of your dress.

“That’s okay,” you say. “Everything go to plan other than that?”

“Sure did. Finally finished up that warehouse over on Cherry Street. Figured I’d go out and celebrate.”

You find yourself deflating at the words. Because, usually, Joel celebrating the end of a big project means the involvement of Tommy, too. And if Tommy’s there, then tonight is decidedly not the night.

Joel seems to notice the change in your demeanor. He places his hand on the side of your face and drags his thumb down your jutting bottom lip, releasing it with a wet pop . “Wouldn’t be a celebration unless I had a pretty little girl to buy a drink, now would it?”

Either way, even if it’s not tonight, you know you’ll enjoy the time with him like you always do. So you shelve your disappointment and timidly ask, “Will it be…just the two of us? Did you want to invite anyone else?”

He shakes his head, a playful spark glinting in his warm eyes. “Nah. Just wanna take my baby out. Give me a minute to change and we’ll head out. Sound good?”

You know your nod of approval probably looks too hopeful, too excited, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. Not with this golden excitement fills you to the brim, the anticipation making your hands tingle.

It only takes Joel ten minutes to change out of his work clothes and into a nice pair of jeans and a flannel, but it feels like forever. He asks you about your day while he drives to your favorite restaurant, and listens intently even though you have nothing interesting to say other than the fact that you’ve changed the curtain on the window above the dining room table.

He opens the car door for you and holds your hand as he directs you through the crowd at the restaurant, and orders for you when the waiter comes over. Even though you get the same thing every time, the gesture makes you feel small and safe and cared for.

You drink a glass of wine, and he tries out some sort of hoppy beer. Joel tells you about a song he heard on the radio that he wants to learn on guitar, but while you try to listen all you can think about is what comes after this.

A million thoughts run rampant through your head. He hasn’t said anything about it, hasn’t given you any hints besides laying the sundress out for you, but the rush of it all weighs heavy on your chest. Paired with the lowered inhibitions from the wine and you interrupt him to say, “Joel. Can you just…can you tell me? I changed my mind. I want to know so bad.”

That playfulness returns to his eyes. He tilts his head the smallest bit and leans over the table to hear your whispered words. “Tell you what?”

“You know ,” you insist. “Don’t make me say it here.” Despite the embarrassment that climbs your cheeks as you listen to the chatter around you, you can’t wipe the grin from your face. You try to hide it behind your hand instead.

“Can’t say I know what you’re gettin’ at here, girl,” he says. But that knowing smirk says otherwise. You can see the challenge in his eyes, the push for you to ask the question you’ve been swallowing down all night.

Folding your arms on the edge of the table, you lean in as close as you can and ask so softly, “Are you taking me to the woods tonight?”

He smiles—a big, toothy show of enjoyment, and leans back in the booth. Joel’s big, you’ve always known it…but seeing him now, shoulders broad and rugged, arms straining beneath the cotton sleeves of his flannel… God , he makes you weak. You can feel yourself flush beneath his scrutinization. Can feel the familiar stickiness of your arousal begin to gather between your legs, too. “An’ why would I do that, sweetheart? Ain’t nothin’ out there for a little thing like you.”

The wine is sweet on your tongue as you take the last sip and shrug casually, pretending as if your hands don’t tremble with anticipation. You try to put on a show of confidence. “Never know,” you say. “Could be a big, bad wolf out there that needs hunting down.”

Joel laughs at that, but he’s waving down the next waiter he sees for the check.

When you leave the restaurant, you realize now the sun has fully set and the darkness has descended. The moon hands high in the sky, the only illumination granted apart from the headlight of Joel’s truck. He helps you into the passenger side and buckles you in, hands gentle and caring, always taking care of you.

Pressing a kiss to your shoulder, he asks a single-word question. One you know is likely equally for his comfort as it is yours. “Okay?”

You are. Despite the fear that begins to rise in your chest, knowing the impending events likely to unfold, despite the shadows and the traversing of the unknown, you know that you’ll always be safe with Joel. “I’m good,” you promise.

He drives for far longer than you expect. Past every stoplight, outside of the city limits, weaving through the backroads until you’re well and truly lost. Every time you pass a wooded area you think he’ll slow to a stop, but he doesn’t. And every moment fuels the adrenaline coursing through you, ratcheting both your panic and excitement to immeasurable heights.

When he does finally stop, pulling off to the side of a road you swear you’ve never been down before, your heart is beating so fast you can hear it in your ears.

He pulls the key from the ignition and the lights cut out, wrapping the both of you in complete darkness. You can make him out just enough, though. Enough to see the predatory look on his face, enough to sense the danger you’ve placed yourself in.

Your mouth goes dry and your brain goes fuzzy as you watch Joel reach into his pants pocket, pulling out a switchblade that glimmers in the moonlight. The small knife makes a snapping noise when it opens, gleaming, taunting you. Excitement buzzed through your body, a nagging voice in the back of your head screaming to run.

“Better get a move on,” Joel whispers, his face shadowed and lips pressed into a grim line. The energy had shifted so quickly that you were uncertain what to do. Even if you did try to run, you doubted that your shaking body would make it very far.

A brooding intensity surrounded Joel, and even though he barely moved to reach back and grab something out of the back seat, the air still felt tense with a silent warning. In his free hand was a gas mask, worn and frayed. The round, glass eye lenses were clouded, displaying its years of disuse. He reached up with one hand to slip the mask down his face, leaving only his eyes revealed.

The white-hot heat that was burning through your veins somehow ignited even further when he finally locked eyes with you. Joel’s eyes were narrowed, carrying a different energy behind them; one that was full of mischief and lust. The moment lasted for a couple of beats…

One, two, three…

And then Joel’s hand snapped out, reaching rapidly to lock around your wrist. Thinking, breathing; none of it mattered. The only thing on your mind was running, some animalistic survival instinct that you didn’t know still existed within you taking over. Your wrist easily slipped out of his grip as you flung open the car door, escaping Joel and running into the dark forest.

There was a chill in the air that made your breath fan out in front of you while you ran, your heavy footsteps practically echoing through the woods. Every couple of moments you would stop and glance around, attempting to see through the endless rows of trees. You didn’t see anything and only heard the sound of your own breathing.

Joel could be scary when he wanted to. Like that one time, a couple weeks into knowing him. Some asshole had followed you around the grocery store late one evening, trailing behind aisle after aisle until your hands were shaking in fear. Joel was one of the only people you had befriended in town since you were new to the area.

He’d showed up five minutes after you’d called him, despite the fact that you knew he lived over ten minutes away. Joel approached the man, and you were grateful that you weren’t the one he was speaking to. Despite not hearing his words from where you were standing, you could see the dark anger on his face, a look that made your blood run cold.

The guy who was following you left immediately after, scurrying off with his tail between his legs. Joel followed you home in his truck even though your apartment was on the other side of town. He’d never been scary to you .

Until now.

Joel’s body came out of nowhere, grabbing you and yanking you against him. The switchblade pressed onto your throat, your heartbeat pounding against the cold metal. You couldn’t see Joel since his vice-grip had your back pushed on his chest.

“You call that running?” he asked, letting his fingers skate down the skin of your thigh, just under the low cut of your sundress. His calloused fingertips caught against your soft skin, raising higher and higher.

“I think you wanted me to catch you. Here you are, lettin’ me rub on you like the little slut I knew you were. I haven’t even properly touched you yet, but you’re already spreading your legs for me.”

Your face warmed at his degrading words. He was right. The excitement of the story wasn’t only the anticipation, but it was the thrill of the hunt. As much as you wanted Joel to touch you, to make your vision blur just from using his fingers, you knew you couldn’t give in so easily.

With all of your strength, you push away both of his hands, ripping out of his grip. He reached down to grab you but you snatched his shirt instead, pulling at it fiercely in an attempt to dodge under him. You heard the fabric rip, but you were too afraid to really acknowledge it.

You took it as an opportunity to escape, dodging Joel’s grasp. You wasted no time in steadying yourself before sprinting away, only sparing a quick glance back to see Joel. His shirt was half ripped, the gas mask blocking any form of expression on his face.

“Damn, baby,” Joel spoke. He stood, shrugging off his flannel before using the switchblade to finish ripping the fabric of his shirt. “If you wanted me to get naked, you should’ve just said so.”

As much as you wanted to watch the way Joel’s chest flexed in the moonlight, you couldn’t handle any distractions. You had to run.

And you did run for what felt like hours. By the time you stopped for a moment, your heartbeat was in your throat and you could feel a slick mess building between your thighs. Your legs were speckled with dirt and pieces of leaves from the way you were kneeling on the ground, searching for Joel.

You didn’t see anything extraordinary through the branches of the forest, but you heard something. A snap.

It was enough to get you back on your feet in an attempt to flee.

You couldn’t see him, but you could feel him. Though your eyes betrayed you, you could sense his closeness, could sense the space between you lessening with each passing moment. Sweat beads at your hairline and your panting echoes between the trees.

The cracking sound of wood beneath his heavy work boots cuts through the deafening silence, and you turn abruptly and throw yourself in the opposite direction. But Joel’s fast, too fast .

He catches up to you in a second, and you know you won’t get lucky twice, yet still you try. You push your legs as hard as you can, running as fast as you can, trying to navigate the uneven terrain.

Joel’s fingertips grasp your shoulder, and you pull away from him so violently you lose your balance, scraping your knees against the rough forest floor.

You quickly turn onto your back, kicking yourself away from him, trying to see through the thick fog of terror in your mind. His slow breaths sound mechanical through the gas mask’s respirator. He looms over you menacingly, looking every bit the wicked man you know he can be.

His shoulders rise and fall slowly, his breaths even while you struggle to catch yours. He tilts his head, a predator indulging in the chase.

And you know right then that you’ve been caught. Stuck in the spider’s web with no hope of extraction. Your voice shakes when you speak. “Joel?”

There’s no softness in him now. None of that gentle ease he always has with you. He lowers himself to the ground, knees on either side of your hips, and grabs for your hands.

You struggle against his hold, even knowing it’s useless. He wraps a calloused palm around your wrists and squeezes tight, and when you buck your hips up against him, trying to wiggle out from beneath his heavy weight, it serves no purpose but to further diminish the little energy remaining in your weary limbs.

Joel raises your arms above your head, pushing your too-sensitive skin deep into the earth, trapping you in place. You can hear the clicking of his tongue behind the mask. “Stupid little girl,” he says. “Never had a chance. Did you?”

His voice is muffled, deeper. You know it’s Joel. Behind the fear, behind the adrenaline, you know it’s him. But it doesn’t sound like him, not in the way you’re so accustomed to, and it sends a chill down your spine.

He adjusts his position, sliding down your legs just enough to grip the bottom of your dirt-stained sundress and rip it upwards. The air feels like ice against your center, slick with your arousal. You clit pulses with need, despite the way you still fight him, struggling nonsensically in his tight hold. “Look at how fuckin’ wet you are, baby,” he says. “Haven’t even touched you yet an’ that pretty pussy’s just fuckin’ crying for it, ain’t she?”

Your spine bends, arching off the ground. The sounds that leave your mouth are animalistic, a desperate whimpering, a wanton need.

And then suddenly his hand is tangled in your hair, pulling hard at the roots, holding your head up just enough to witness your exposure. “I said look ,” Joel grits out. “Want you to watch just how fuckin’ selfish she is. You listenin’ to me?”

“Yes— yes, ” you choke out. The muscles in your neck strain to keep your head held high enough to see the moment he lets go of your hair. But you heard him loud and clear, and you do just as he says.

His hand slips between your legs, and you fight the urge to let squeeze your eyes shut as his fingers slide over your clit. He circles it roughly and you can feel yourself clench around nothing, your body begging to be filled, begging for Joel . He uses the perfect amount of pressure, deft fingers moving fast, and it takes less than a minute before that familiar warmth begins to trickle in.

But you want more, you always want more, and so you find yourself lifting your hips upwards, trying to shift his hand lower, trying to let him know right where you need him most.

Joel laughs. A sick, maniacal sound that sends a cold flood of terror through you. “See? What’d I say? Fuckin’ greedy ,” he says. You know it’s meant to be an insult, but there’s a strange fondness as he says it. An undertone of worship.

You sigh out his name, unable to form another word, forgetting all else that came before this moment, disregarding all things that may come after. All that matters is this, all that matters is him .

“She wants it so bad,” he murmurs. “An’ I’m gonna give it to her.” His movements are cruel and almost painful as he turns you over, pulling your hips out from under him. Joel shifts your wrists to his other hand and sets them against the small of your back, using his free hand to force your head down. The earthy smell of decaying leaves greets you, and you greedily suck in cold breaths of air, trying to will your heart to slow its racing.

You can’t see his movements but you can feel him shift behind you, and a second later can hear the familiar clink of his belt buckle and the swish as he rips it from the loops of his jeans. The bite of leather is harsh as he winds it around your wrists, tightening it in a familiar, practiced way.

“Joel,” you breathe out. It sounds like a plea in your ears, and maybe it is. Because everything is too much, too intense . You need all of him, you think. Need the wickedness, that dark thing he’s been hiding all this time. But you need your Joel, too. The one who buckles you in, who kisses your forehead before he leaves for work in the morning. The one you know will always keep you safe, even when he defiles you. “ Joel ,” you say again.

His hands freeze on your hips, and you can feel the warmth radiating from his skin as he leans over and presses his cheek to yours. He waits for you to speak, giving you as long as you need to sort through the heightened emotions.

Your brain feels like mush and you struggle to form a coherent thought that’s more than one or two words strung together. You know you’re terrified. But you know, too, that you don’t want him to stop. And so all you manage to say is a barely audible, “I love you.”

He cradles your head in his hand, thumb stroking gently over your temple. And then he runs his nose over the curve of your jaw, and though he doesn’t say it, doesn’t break the spell he’s so carefully created in order to indulge your wildest fantasies, you know that no one has ever loved anyone the way that Joel Miller loves you.

But just as quickly as that gentleness appeared, it vanishes into nothing like the fog of your breath in the cold air.

“Gonna show you what happens when little girls roam into the woods,” he says. You can feel his erection as he presses it against you, heavier and harder than you think it’s ever been before. “Can try an’ hunt down the big bad wolf all you want. But if he catches you …”

You’re a trembling mess in his strong hands. His words are the only beacon keeping you grounded, you’re certain of it.

The metal teeth of his zipper grate as he pulls it down and undoes the button of his jeans, pulling his cock out. He slides the head through your arousal, coating himself in your slick. “Just know, whatever he decides to do with you is gonna hurt .”

And then he’s pushing his length into you in one smooth movement, leaving you no time to adjust to the size of him. The stretch is painful and foreboding, every muscle in your body tensing up at the impact. “ Fuck— oh my God —”

“Can pray all you want, but there’s no one out here to save you,” he spits. Joel doesn’t give you a single second to breathe before he’s rocking his hips into you, setting a punishing pace. You can feel his cock throb inside you, can feel that he’s enjoying this just as much as you are.

You grit your teeth against the pain of it, fingers flexing in his grip. “ Joel —I can’t—!”

“Yes, you can, baby,” he says, voice low and echoing. “I know you can. So shut up and fuckin’ take it.” He leans over you, pressing the side of your face into the ground. You can taste moss and earth but with each thrust, the pain is quickly subsiding, replaced instead with a blinding pleasure.

That warmth builds again, coiling around your spine. Pressure builds quickly and you can feel yourself dripping around him, making a mess of the coarse hair above his cock. “Joel— fuck .”

He reaches on hand around your hip, easily finding your clit and strumming it with swift, practiced movements. You clench around him and he lets out a deep groan in response. When he leans forward and tells you, “Open your mouth,” you do so immediately, brain fuzzy and overstimulated, unwilling to do anything unless he tells you to.

Joel slides two of his fingers into your mouth and shoves them so far down you nearly choke. It’s instinctual when you close your swollen lips around him and suck.

You can hear the smile in his words as he speaks. “There you go,” he mutters. “Told you how this would go, didn’t I? Told you what would happen. Nothin’ but a dumb little slut for me now, baby, hm? Yeah?”

All you can do is nod, unable to form a single coherent thought. Your orgasm hits hard and fast, almost unexpected. It washes through you, electricity dancing beneath your prickling skin. Your moans reverberate through the trees, and you’re suddenly glad he’s driven you so far out so no one can hear you.

“Oh, she likes that ,” Joel says, talking you through it, circling your clit and fucking into you a little harder. “Likes the way it feels to be all full’a me, hm? Yeah, there you go. Gonna give this pretty pussy just what she needs.”

His rhythm falters, staggering just the smallest bit. And while he’s just given you the best orgasm of your fucking life, there’s something about this that makes you feel finally satisfied, full in a way you’ve never been before.

The moment he bottoms out inside of you, Joel turns you on your back and pulls the mask off of his face. His cheeks are flushed and rosy, but there’s a sense of completion in his eyes that you’re sure is mirrored in your own. He kisses your cheeks, your forehead, the bridge of your nose.

And all you can say is, “Oh my God.”

Joel laughs. It’s one of those full, good-natured belly laughs. Your favorite kind. “Well? Was I better than your book?”

You cover your face with your hands, muffling your giggles between your fingers. “Much better.”

#joel miller #pearlessance #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #ao3 fanfic #joel tlou #joel the last of us #ao3 writer #joel miller fic #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfic #smut #halloween

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starlight-bread-blog · 6 months ago

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Three Books, Two Characters, One Story

An essay on Zuko and Katara's characters and character arcs

——————

Zuko and Katara, fire and water, red and blue, one rises with the sun, the other rises with the moon. And yet, they are similar, tied together and grew closer than they could have imagined. In this essay I will discuss Zuko and Katara's characters in Avatar: The Last Airbender. I intend to touch on their shared traits and backgrounds, on their development and on their points of convergence in their over overarching story. Now, without further ado, let's begin.

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The Common Ground

Zuko and Katara share their core traits and core events in their respective lives. Firstly, their loss of their mothers. Zuko lost his mother, Ursa; and Katara lost her mother, Kya. But if you ask me, it goes deeper than that. For Zuko, the loss was a loss of shelter from the cruelty of his father and the bliss of being a child. In Zuko Alone, we see how Ursa took care of Zuko, played with him, and gave him a proper childhood.

With that gone, he remained almost completely unprotected. But more importantly, he lost his childhood. (It is true that he still had Iroh, but Iroh can help to an extent. He can’t be at the dinner table when Ozai tells Zuko he was lucky to be born).

Similarly, when Katara’s mother died, something in her internalized it. As Sokka says in The Runaway:

We see Katara help fill the void many times in A:TLA. Namely in The Desert, where she takes care of the Gaang in ways ranging from giving her bending water to endangering herself to pull A\ang out of the Avatar State. Katara doesn’t like to be viewed as someone who lost her childhood, as her reaction to Sokka’s speech was to join Toph and go scamming. However, Kya’s death is an integral part of who she became. She wants to cling to her childhood, and she partly succeeds,but that speech was made for a reason. A part of it was gone with Kya.

Another parallel between their similar grief is sacrifice. Zuko’s mother left to save his life from Fire Lord Azulon’s ruthless order. Katara’s mother died when pretending to be the last waterbender of the South Pole when a Fire Nation raid came looking for her. Both of their mothers left because they protected them, saving their lives from the cruelty of the Fire Nation. In these parallel narratives, the themes of sacrifice against them are intertwined.

But beyond their grief, I believe that at their center, they are very similar. Zuko and Katara are filled with righteous anger and empathy even towards strangers. Although clearly everyone in the Gaang is a good person, doing their part in ending the war, it’s not a defining trait as it is for Zuko and Katara. In The Painted Lady, Katara insists on helping a Fire Nation village while Sokka pressures that they’ll leave to make it to the invasion, while Toph and A\ang remain natural. Her compassion clashes with the Gaang. When Sokka scolds her for being impulsive with her attempts to aid the village, Katara angrily responds with this:

Similarly, the thing that kicked off Zuko’s arc was this righteous anger. In The Storm, we learn that Zuko’s scar came from him standing up to a general who suggested sacrificing a division of rookies for an operation.

You can't sacrifice an entire division like that! Those soldiers love and defend our nation! How can you betray them?

It is their shared compassion and anger at the injustices around them that makes them and the way they interact with the world so similar. Iroh described Zuko as “an idealist with a pure heart with unquestionable honor”. How well does this describe Katara?

Moreover, it is not only their anger. They are both incredibly strong willed with how they act on their anger. In The Waterbending Master, when Katara found out master Pakku won’t teach her because she’s a girl, she didn’t give up. She challenged him, a master, to a fight to prove that she can do everything a boy can do. And Zuko’s strong will is almost over talked about. When A\ang escaped his ship, he jumped on his airbender staff. In Zuko Alone, Ursa said to him “That’s who you are, Zuko. Someone who keeps fighting even though it’s hard”.

To sum up, Zuko and Katara’s foundational events and personality traits are parallels to one another. They both lost their mother when they sacrificed themselves for them, and it marked the end of an era for them. They are both driven by compassion and righteous anger and have a strong willed personality. They are guided by their morals first and foremost. They are parallels to one another.

The Development

Zuko and Katara’s character arcs serve as parallels to each other, and bring them closer together. Zuko’s redemption arc is, to put it simply, about unlearning Fire Nation propaganda and coming to realize the horror his country inflicted on the world. In book 2 Zuko sees the harm they caused first hand, and in The Day of Black Sun he fully rejects the Fire Nation.

Zuko: Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was.

He rejects the lie that the Fire Nation is somehow helping the world - that it’s inherently good. His arc was about unlearning Fire Nation supremacy.

Katara’s arc is not as easy to pin down, but it’s nevertheless there. Her arc is about idealism, hope and a change in perspective. Katara started her journey as an idealist, the literal voice of hope in the opening, and with a black and white view of the world - the Fire Nation is evil, and everyone else is good. Throughout the show, Katara encounters both good people from the Fire Nation, and bad people from around the world of Avatar, such as Long Feng, Jet and Hama. In The Puppetmaster in particular she learns that waterbending can be just as destructive as firebending, if not more so. Her arc is about unlearning naivety and Fire Nation inferiority.

The symmetry comes from them learning to lean on the other’s view across the seasons. In book 1, they are rigid in their view. Zuko is still working a full time job tracking the Avatar, while Katara still clings to her black and white view of the world, such as when she had a conversation with a Firebender who told her firebending is inherently destructive. In book 2, Zuko becomes a fugitive and sees the Fire Nation’s horrors for himself, while Katara sees that the one safe haven from the Fire Nation can be evil too. In book 3, Zuko goes back to the Fire Nation to see that it’s not what he’d imagined at all, while Katara goes to the Fire Nation to find people just like her.

Not only are their arcs symmetrical, but they are what allows their bond to flourish. Katara can only forgive Zuko after she’d let go of her ideals, and Zuko can only seek to redeem himself in her eyes after he’d let go of his idealization of the Fire Nation. Their bond is a true testament to their arcs.

The Encounters

Zuko and Katara’s relationship carries a lot of narrative weight. Their journeys are intertwined on many occasions. For Katara, it’s significant that after Katara masters waterbending, it is Zuko whom she has to defend herself to. It’s significant that she sees humanity in Zuko, despite him being the face of the Fire Nation. It’s meaningful that she goes to find her mother’s killer with Zuko, and even bloodbends before him. And finally, it’s meaningful that she spends the 4 part finale with him.

For Zuko, it’s significant that when he truly connects with someone other than his uncle, it’s with Katara. It’s significant that he learns through Katara that revenge doesn’t always help. It’s significant that Katara is the last member he has to earn forgiveness from. And it’s meaningful that jumping in front of a lightning bolt to save Katara is his last act of redemption.

While Sokka and Zuko for instance never interact in book 1 besides some one liners, Katara and Zuko had a subplot around Katara’s necklace. Although their stories do diverge, such as most of book 2, they always return to spend the season’s finales together. They don’t drive each other’s characters forward as much as they represent milestones in each other’s stories. You cannot remove their scenes together and have the rest of the show make sense.

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In conclusion, Zuko and Katara’s characters follow a story of mutual suffering, personal development, and deep friendship. They have a common experience of sacrifice, sorrow, and unflinching compassion. These experiences have narrative weight because they act as development, redemption, and forgiveness catalysts, creating a connection that ultimately serves as a reminder of how far they’ve come.

#zutara #zutara meta #zuko x katara #katara x zuko #katara #zuko #anti anti zutara #pro zutara #zutara analysis #zutara evidence #zutara forever #zutara nation #zutara should have been canon #zutara was robbed #zutara supremacy #zutarian

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wavesoutbeingtossed · 2 months ago

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The TTPD Deep Dive (Part ?)

It’s no secret that I have a lot of Thoughts about The Tortured Poets Department and it has lived rent-free in my head since it came out earlier this year. I’m absolutely blown away by how underneath the chaos, it’s actually an exceptionally cohesive story and is probably the closest to a concept album Taylor has ever done.

There are so many themes that have stood out to me over the last five months, and there’s one in particular that I think not only drives the entire album, but ties into previous albums to help deepen understanding of it.

This is it, my fangirl magnum opus, my months of posts consolidated into one place. This is also my disclaimer that this is just my interpretation of the album, and my summary of the story it tells, and I don’t pretend to have any special insight or authority. I’m not saying I’m correct at all, do not take any of this as fact, it’s just what it sounds like to me, and these are my silly not-so-little thoughts about it.

(Under a cut because it’s way too long and involves discussion many may not care for or be sick of.)

Come one, come all, it's happening again (I'm thinking too hard about Taylor music)

The overarching theme in TTPD to me is: Grief. If you’re looking at TTPD as a story being told (instead of just as someone’s real life), the inciting incident of TTPD is loss, and the grief from that loss is what drives the narrator’s actions and the fallout, as well as unpacks those complicated feelings and how they apply to the her life in general. By the end of the standard album, it’s also about recovering from that pain, moving on from it and learning from it.

The loss specifically is the loss of the dream of having a family (with one’s partner). One thing that is abundantly clear both on the top line and under the surface in TTPD is how Taylor (as a person and as narrator) longed not only to for marriage but specifically parenthood, and the fear and then realization of losing that chance absolutely wrecked her— which is why the next lover’s (the conman's) wooing worked so well, because it preyed on that yearning. Yet that loss also dovetails into the grief of many things: of youth, of idealism, of relationships, of ideas, even of self, which causes almost a deconstruction of a belief system to piece one’s life back together by the end.

THE CONTEXT

TTPD weaves in the topics of marriage and motherhood both explicitly and in the subtext, in various forms and scenarios. The cheating husband in “Fortnight.” The wedding ring line in “TTPD” the song. “He saw forever so he smashed it up” in “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys.” All of “So Long, London.” Running away with her wild boy in “But Daddy I Love Him,” fantasizing about weddings and joking about babies. The imaginary rings in “Fresh Out The Slammer.” The cheating husband (again) and the friends who smell like weed or “little babies” in “Florida!!!” “You and I go from one kiss to getting married,” “Talking rings and talking cradles,” and “our field of dreams engulfed in fire” in “loml.” (And arguably: “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all.”) “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short,” in “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart.” They may not sound like much on their own, but they paint a picture about how the topics pervaded her thoughts and her writing, and in many cases express her desires, and her pain.

It’s something that goes back several albums when you pick up on context clues. You get the first hints on Reputation with “New Year’s Day,” and “you and me forevermore.” Then Lover is very forward with it: “Lover” is basically wedding vows, “Paper Rings” is very engagement-coded, “I Think He Knows” is cheeky but low-key “you better put a ring on it,” “It’s Nice To Have A Friend” has wedding/marriage imagery in the last verse. As a self-professed diaristic writer, it’s the type of stuff one presumably doesn’t put out there unless those conversations have already happened, and she was very excited about it at the time it was released.

Then the pandemic happens and folklore comes out, and while there is still happy love there (“invisible string”), there are also the first indications that something has happened to put a halt to whatever future she once dreamed of (“hoax,” “the lakes”) and that she’s trying to reassure herself and him that it can still happen even if she’s scared it might not (“peace”). Notably, as far as I can remember it’s the first time Taylor explicitly brings up the idea of family (with her partner) with “you know that I’d give you my wild, give you a child,” which stood out at the time because it’s so incredibly vulnerable, but it’s even more poignant when you really take in that the whole song is like a confession of her deepest worries, and this is her vowing to give him these things that she holds most sacred if he’ll let her. These are what she cherishes most dearly and wants to return in kind: her youth and commitment (my wild), the family she craves (a child), unconditional support (swing for the fences/sit in the trenches) and understanding/compassion (silence that only comes when two people know each other).

Evermore follows an even darker path, and suddenly the album explores relationships that end and grappling with loss. There are toxic relationships (“tolerate it”), dangerous marriages (“no body, no crime,” “ivy”), failing/broken relationships (“Coney Island,” “champagne problems,” “happiness,” “‘tis the damn season”), as well as grief (“Marjorie,” “evermore”). Even some of the happy songs have uncertainty in them: in “willow” she’s begging for him to take her lead, like she’s still trying to decipher him and ask him to commit; in “cowboy like me,” still a beautiful love song, she’s thinking, “this wasn’t supposed to work and we were supposed to bail on each other but we fell in love instead”; “evermore” is about the depths of severe depression (and more) with the love story being the one saving grace in her darkest hour. And it’s also notable that after all the “fiction” writing, shortly after this album she writes “Renegade” where she’s telling the subject: I’m ready to start the next phase of our life now, why aren’t you? Is it me you don’t want after all? It’s like there’s something telling her that this stall might not just be a stall.

Midnights is a jumble (in a good, but in hindsight, also sad way) with the “sleepless nights” concept, but it seems pretty clear now that the themes and events and relationships she was revisiting tied into a lot of what she was feeling in her present life. I wrote the cliff notes version awhile back, but she’s questioning so much of her life that’s reflected in past events and relationships. Am I actually always the problem? How did we lose sight of each other and what we had? We only seem to work when we block out everyone and everything else. Can we ever go back to when things were good? Why are you neglecting me? I once thought I was going to lose everything but you saved me in the nick of time, can that happen again? I chased my career, but did I give up my chance at having a family in the process? Nobody knows what I really suffer from behind closed doors and I’m all alone.

And so on, which in retrospect now that we have TTPD, is very much what she was grappling with in private while writing and releasing the album. The inspiration behind the songs may have been different events and muses, but regardless of their origins they all end up feeling too familiar, like she's seen this film before (ahem). We’re seeing her view of commitment change too, or rather how she writes about it: she’s not making the outright declarations of it like on Lover, or even the implied ones on folklore, nor is she talking of the dark side of it like evermore. For the most part it’s a return to the early days of some relationships, before things got hard, or the end of them when there was nothing left, and also pushing away the discussion of it altogether by the outside world. “Sweet Nothing” is a sweet slice of life, but even at that, it’s the peace of the home in conflict with the pressure of the outside world. Now that we have “You’re Losing Me,” which was written at the same time as the rest of the album, we can probably deduce that she was going back to the start because something happened that made her doubt the future.

THE SETUP

So much of Midnights directly ties into TTPD, and I said in the post I linked that it’s like Midnights is asking the questions that TTPD answers. But there’s one song in particular on Midnights that sticks out to me as being key in the broadest sense to understanding the state of mind that led to the events of TTPD, and that’s “Bigger Than The Whole Sky,” because the way it expresses grief is reflected in the theme of mourning a life built and the dreams along with it that are never realized in TTPD. There are several instances in TTPD that are basically variations of: “every single thing to come has turned into ashes,” and that’s what makes her snap, and leaves her vulnerable to someone who promises her those things when she’s bereaved at losing them in the first place. (In other words: “the deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling.”) The song tells a story about how that loss of hope colours one’s entire mindset, and in some ways is a bridge to TTPD to understand what such a low point feels like.

I think that that grief, and most importantly losing hope for an imagined future in its wake, is fundamental to understanding TTPD on so many levels: both the decline with one partner that kept her hanging on then led her such a dark path, and why she fell for the conman's apparent bullshitting because it offered an express pass to what she was losing with her partner. And I also feel like it plays a part into the ruminating she’s doing all over Midnights, trying to make sense of where she finds herself when she’s writing the album, which directly leads to “You’re Losing Me.” Loss permeates so many of the stories on Midnights: of lovers, of innocence, of youth, of faith, of control, of life’s work, etc. “BTTWS” is just one of the ways in which it is expressed so fully, capturing that deep depression and subsequent extinction of faith in something that once felt assured and very much wanted. (Which is also mentioned in her writing process in the “Depression” playlist on Apple Music.)

If you understand why that feeling of loss in general across so many parts of life is so important to Midnights, then it illuminates so much about the “narrative” in TTPD too. If on Midnights she’s wrestling with the seeds of grief and loss (on multiple fronts), TTPD is her reckoning with it in its full form. “So Long, London” is the song that is the most explicit about it: How much sad did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I’d go before I’d have to go be free? You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? I died on the altar waiting for the proof. It’s the sequel to “You’re Losing Me.” It’s, the air is thick with loss and indecision, I know my pain is such an imposition, I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, I’ve got nothing left to believe unless you’re choosing me, my heart won’t start anymore, but from the other side of the break.

This is highly speculative, but if you follow the thread about the topic and the relationship as told from Rep through TTPD, in broad strokes it goes: young love with a serious connection (Rep) -> growing up and making life plans (Lover) -> something happens that delays those plans or makes them grind to a halt (folklore) -> serious doubts arise and cause a loss of faith in their future (evermore) -> struggling with the loss of that future and trying to make sense of the problems in a last ditch attempt to save the relationship (Midnights) -> fallout from that grief after the blowup of the relationship (TTPD). Understanding that progression of events (through the music) explains not only the storytelling side of TTPD (e.g. the jump from the partner to the conman) but also how the experiences/muses blend in the music, and how the music that on the surface is about the short-term relationship is really driven by the destruction of the long-term one.

Following the music, it’s IMO implied that Taylor (the narrator) was holding out for marriage and family with her partner, for years, and it seems like it was at one point a shared dream until something happened to pump the brakes, and seemingly on her partner’s end. And extrapolating further, given how the sorrow expressed in former albums bleeds into TTPD, it sounds like a plan that had been concrete in some form before it had fallen apart, and losing something that once felt so tangible is what drives her in her grief to find any kind of respite from the pain. Which is why the situation with the conman becomes so appealing as the one with the partner splinters further and further.

(If everything you’ve once touched is sick with sadness and you don’t want to be sad anymore, what are you left to do?)

THE STORY

So (one part of) the story kind of sounds like this from the standard album: the relationship with her partner as well as his mental health slowly deteriorate and he withdraws emotionally (“London,” “Fresh Out The Slammer”) and physically (again, “London,” and “Guilty As Sin?”) and takes his resentment out on her (“London” and arguably “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” even though I don't want to get into muse speculation here). As she sinks deeper into her own depression as a result, the weight of the failing relationship starts feeling like a cage— or a noose (“London,” “Guilty”), but coming to terms with the loss of their life together and the future they’d dreamed of was killing her (again, “London,” but also “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart”).

Enter the conman who she reconnects with at the very point where this is coming to a head (knowing that IRL she reconnected with him around the time Midnights was being worked on) , and if you read between the lines, she confides some deeply personal things to him (“Down Bad” and “hostile takes overs”/“encounters closer and closer,” “Smallest Man” and the entire sleeper cell spy imagery which is one of my favourite things and I could write a whole essay about the meaning of it, “loml” and “A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme”). Then after she’s confided these secrets to him, he insinuates himself back into her life (“Guilty,” “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man”) and sells her a dream that HE can give her all these things she hopes for (again, “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man,” “loml,” song “TTPD,” “Broken Heart”).

But the thing is, he only knows these are the things she wants because she’s revealed it to him, and presumably, told him that was what she was losing by staying with her partner. And instead of the normal response of, “that is really sad that your partner is not supporting you and you deserve to be treated better,” to a friend in growing distress, it seems like it was, “well I can give you all those things!!!! Right now!!!! Trust me!!!!” And worked on her until she believed it, and jumped at the chance at a precarious time in her life. And one thing I want to underscore is: Taylor has agency in the situation always, it’s not like she’s been kidnapped and brainwashed. (In fact, she implores on songs like “But Daddy” that SHE is in charge of her own choices, good or bad.) She chose to rekindle the friendship and then relationship, and she chose to eventually leave her long term relationship for another man, and she reiterates on the album that she owns this all. But it’s also: nothing exists in a vacuum, and she makes choices based on emotions and information she has at the time, which is why it gives so much whiplash.

THE ALBUM

When you look at it as, the situation with the conman only happens because of what happened with the partner first and that the appeal of the conman and the fantasy he sells her is a direct reaction to that, it makes the “swirliness” of the music make so much more sense. And for much of it, even many of the “conman” songs on the surface are really “partner” songs underneath.

Fortnight

A suburban gothic allegory about a broken marriage with a distant husband with a wandering eye, which makes the rekindled romance with the neighbor so appealing. She’s miserable caged in her stifling house because she’s been abandoned by her spouse, so the reappearance of this past love reignites the passion that’s dead at home.

TTPD

“So tell me, who else is gonna know me?” “I chose this cyclone with you.” I’m gonna kill myself if you ever leave. Everyone knows we’re crazy. She’s laying it out there that she’s already in a dangerous state of mind, and she’s actively putting herself in more danger by pursuing the conman. “At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on, and that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart exploding,” spells this whole thing out so clearly: whether it’s an actual event (likely) or a metaphor for the promise he makes to her, the reason why it makes her heart explode is because it’s the thing she’s been waiting for forever with no movement, and here this person comes in and slips it on her finger in an instant like it’s nothing. (And eventually, as we’ll come to know, it is absolutely nothing to him.) You mean it could have been this easy this whole time?! (Well, no. Not until a certain other suitor makes his appearance later.) It feels like she’s finally getting everything she wanted in the blink of an eye! How lucky! How convenient! What was that about the get-love-quick scheme you say? (Unsaid: the reason why this feels so urgent is because there’s a sense that time is running out in so many aspects of her life and not just the obvious. Which reappears later on.)

Down Bad

“Did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” sets the scene for this euphoric experience in the moment that starts to feel violating once the dust settles (which is then followed up in “Smallest Man” and the spy mission on her). The bridge spells out how he weaselled his way into her life, preyed upon (intentionally or not) her emotional state, sold her a dream and then vanished, without the benefit of hindsight yet we see later in the album.

The alien abduction metaphor is pretty brilliant, because it shows both how she was desperate to escape the place she found herself in, and how much it screwed her brain to then be left stranded when the affair was over. “[I loved your] hostile takeovers, encounters closer and closer,” is so evocative because it details how the situation came to be: his overtures under the guise of friendship blurred lines until he made her an offer that she eventually couldn’t refuse (hostile takeovers) as he infiltrated her life more and more intimately. The sad thing is that the song has parallels to how her relationship with the partner started too in earlier albums, in that they ran away to live in their own bubble (or planet) only for him to metaphorically abandon her as the years went on. (Oven, meet microwave.)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Being continually emotionally broken down by a person who knows he’s hurting you but still acts the way he does. (The original voice memo version makes this even clearer and it’s rather heartbreaking.) “He saw forever so he smashed it up,” speaks to the loss of a future the person became scared of, and the original lyrics (“he saw forever so he blew it up”) somehow cut even deeper to me because it feels so much more intentional.

Also in the original version, “he was my best friend and that was the worst part,” also speaks not only to the loss of an entire partnership in the wake of this hurt, but also to the feelings of betrayal that the person you trust so deeply has the ability to hurt you in this way too, and how it’s a one-two punch of not only losing the relationship but also your closest confidant. (It’s like the sequel to “Renegade” and the missiles firing to me.) Again, there are shades of both/many situations in the song, pointing to an unfortunate pattern in some ways. The situation in “My Boy” is part of why she was so low, and why the “get love quick scheme” was so appealing later on. And it dovetails nicely into…

So Long, London

The most explicitly “partner” song that puts a coda on “You’re Losing Me,” and is Track 5 because it’s the emotional underpinning of how she got to where she was, and drives the events of the rest of the album. It spells everything out: He withdrew, she tried to fix it for both of them, eventually even that stopped working, he was oblivious to or minimized how badly she was suffering and his (in)actions couldn’t reassure her, he wouldn’t move forward on their future plans and stewed in his own struggles, she was spiralling out of control trying to hang on and ultimately felt like she was going to die if she didn’t leave.

But Daddy I Love Him

Like a direct reaction to “So Long, London” in that she breaks free from the death of one relationship and throws herself with reckless abandon to the next, fuck the haters. How dare you judge me, when the relationship you think I should have stayed in was killing me? (Dutiful daughter all the plans were laid. All you want is gray for me.) Fuck all of you, I’m going to choose whoever I want! (So what if I have a baby with HIM, huh?! I tried doing it the proper way and look where that got me so now we're back to square one) It’s again her imagining how wonderful and freeing this “wild boy” is going to be for her, and how wrong she’ll prove everyone. THIS TIME she definitely got it right. So what if she has to run away! So what if she scandalizes the whole town! They don’t know what she really wants or needs anyway! She’s the only one of her (hee-hee-hee) and she’s the only who gets to decides how this goes. (Because: she longs for control in a situation she’ll eventually realize she has little of it in, which we’ll find out is a recurring theme in her life.)

Fresh Out The Slammer

Also spells out what happened with the partner in the first verse and the pre-choruses, which is what makes the conman so appealing as the imagined jailbreak. The bitter loneliness vs. the sultry passion she builds up in her head as she awaits her release from prison is key to understanding the two sides of the story in the album. There’s this whole outlaw imagery (which is also carried through in “I Can Fix Him”), but it’s contrasted in the end with her and her reunited lover sitting on park swings like children with “imaginary rings” — because “Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know what's at stake.” What’s at stake is lasting love and the promises that come with it (marriage/family) that are precious and time-sensitive. The imaginary rings are both a nod to the youthful dreams of her and her new/old lover, but also has a double meaning to me because those promises aren’t built on anything together; they're made up, intangible. (They’re no more concrete than the plans that went up in smoke with the partner.) Like with most of the conman situation, it’s all a fantasy in her head that has yet to happen, and as we find out later in the album, reality ends up leaving much to be desired.

Florida!!!

Broadly speaking, it’s running away from your problems and wanting to disappear from your life. (But again: the life she’s disappearing from is the cheating husband she may or may not be feeding to the swamp-- another miserable marriage.) What kind of flies under the radar though is the “I don’t want to exist,” line, which points to her dire state of mind that led her to fleeing to that metaphorical timeshare down in Destin. In many ways about cheating death.

Guilty As Sin

Yes it’s the “masturbation song,” but again the nuance is that she’s left to pleasure herself because her partner has abandoned her emotionally and even physically, i.e. “my boredom’s bone deep.” To be blunt: they aren’t even intimate anymore, so she starts fantasizing about the guy she used to have chemistry with who’s reentered her life and is making moves on her. And realizing that she’s now finding release in another man (albeit imaginary) breaks her even as it reinvigorates her because she finally understands that the relationship she’s in is effectively dead. (“Am I allowed to cry?”)

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

This isn’t about relationships, but about society and its reaction to them in a general sense. But again, she’s left to stew in all this anger and hurt as she’s been abandoned at home, then abandoned by public opinion, and the public attack on her is part of the origin as well as the end of that story. The trauma inflicted upon her detailed in the song is the reason why she felt trapped in the first place, which led to the decisions she’s made and habits she’s leaned on ever since.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

This is one of the few songs that is the most completely conman-coded, and shows when the delusion finally breaks at the end of the song. She spends the whole song being like, “no really, I alone can make him better! You’ll see! I know he’s gross, but he’s mine! It’ll be fine I swear! You don’t know anything! Uuuuuum hmm wait actually what the fuck—“

Loml

Oof. THE song. Again the surface reading is about the “conman” who comes in and sells her the lie, but the pain is because all the dreams she writes about are HER dreams and implied that they were the dreams she built with her partner that the conman sold back to her. I could do a deeper dive on this but most of the song is applicable to both relationships, which not only shows the “swirliness” of her writing, but also how they both ultimately did the same thing to her in different shades.

The bridge and the last chorus are kind of fundamental to understanding it all, and her ending it with “you’re the loss of my life” is about, among other things, how falling for this trap blew up the life she built and dreamed of for good. (I could talk about this one forever.) “You shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles” to “Our field of dreams engulfed in fire” is a hell of a line and progression, and again, indicative of what the real driving force behind the whole album is. The shit-talking is because he took her dreams (of marriage and children) and hyped it back up to her tenfold whether in a moment of his own delusion or for more nefarious reasons — much like how the man prior kept promising these things but never followed through, which left her vulnerable to someone who appeared to offer them enthusiastically. The field of dreams isn’t just the one with the conman, it’s the one with the longterm relationship she’d built the dream with in the first place, because the conman’s actions are part of the reason the LTR went up in smoke. (Not the reason for the rift, but the consequence of the final break.) And THAT is why it’s the loss of her life, so completely.

When she says “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all,” IMO it’s not just the fake future that the conman lures her into, but also (and perhaps mainly) the once-real one she had with her partner and the loss of which that made her susceptible to falling for the con in the first place. There’s honestly so much between the lines in this song that covers every theme and speaks to the grief of seeing the life she imagined slip away, slowly by the first man then annihilated by the second.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

The juxtaposition of “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short” and “He said he’d love me for all time, but that time was quite short” sums it up to me (and parallels “loml”), because they are two different situations, but they cut her just the same. In the first, “that life” IMO was the life they’d built with the dreams that went along with it and it was too short because he never followed through, and in the second, the “time” was quite short because it was the frenzy of the whirlwind romance that fizzled as quickly as it began. The life that was too short led to the time that was quite short.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

This is definitely THE conman song. The rage, the shame, the violation, it’s all in there. But the key to it is the bridge and the espionage imagery woven through it. A honeypot scheme is when spies target a mark and seduce them to gain their trust and their privileged information for their homeland. So her likening him to a sleeper cell spy who set her up just to mine her deepest secrets and use them against her is a heavy, loaded statement. And implied: that valuable information she unknowingly held were her longings of marriage and family (the aforementioned shit-talking about rings and cradles she never got to have), and more importantly, those dreams preceded him reentering her life and then beginning his mission on her.

The insinuation then is: she confesses these are her deepest wishes which are now seemingly unattainable in her current situation (e.g. with her partner) -> he convinces her HE will give them to her and make the dreams she pines for come true -> she falls for him and blows up her life to make it happen -> he gets what he wants (thrill of the chase/sex/the idea of her/whatever his intent was) -> he abandons her when he gets what he wants, or rather it isn’t what he wants or can handle -> she’s left a) all alone b) with dreams unfulfilled c) with no answers d) feeling used at having her most sacred wishes used against her.

Again, the song is unquestionably about the way the conman absolutely destroyed her, but he was able to do that because there was this thing she wanted more than anything, that was dying in her previous relationship, that he was able to prey upon to seduce her, then discarded her and her dreams as soon as it was inconvenient for him while absolutely hollowing her inside out. (And again: the devastating thing is that this also applies to other relationships she’s written about, in different ways.)

The Alchemy

Not about either the partner or the conman directly, but it (loosely) touches on her finding herself after the whole oven-to-microwave experience and opening herself up to life and love again. #GoodForHer

Clara Bow

This isn’t about the romantic relationships on the surface, but it is about how damaging the entertainment industry and public life are on women, and how women are only valued for their beauty as commodities until they can be discarded and destroyed in the process. Which I think plays into the circumstances that led her to make the decisions that she did years ago, and why she makes the ones she does now. (But also, being valued for physical traits and appeal for the male gaze brings us to…)

The Manuscript

The “original sin” that kicks off all of this. Again, at first light this isn’t about the partner or the conman, but the person it is about is the reason why she has made all the decisions she has ever since in relationships (and that’s Mr. Plaid Shirt Days from “All Too Well”). The realization that her first serious adult relationship is what cemented these patterns, and this view of herself and her worthiness in relationships, is profoundly sad. An older man who valued her for being so mature for her age and implying that the mature activities ahem associated with that were the performance benchmarks in her ability to carry a relationship, only to leave her, was earth shattering. She placed her faith in this person, but then the way he treated her changed her view of love and of herself.

She took his innuendo about “pushing strollers” as a sign of potential commitment, whereas he ultimately meant it as foreplay, and she was too young and naive to know the difference. So not only did she learn from that that this man (and men) didn’t view commitment and family the way she did and that it was something to be toyed with, but she also learned that her value to them among other things was sex. Imagine being an idealistic 20 year old and your boyfriend ten years your senior tells you, “if the sex is anywhere near as good as our dates have been, we’re going to be making babies before you know it,” (e.g. this is relationship is serious) and then he dumps you: does that imply that the sex was not in fact that good? (E.g. that you’re not worthy after all?)

No, obviously from this side of life, it’s because he was a commitment-phobic playboy, even if he did love her, but she couldn’t have known that at 20 and instead internalized that shame. But, it did send her on a path of how she approached sex and love and relationships for over a decade afterwards. And her coming to the realization that that first act of (perhaps unintentional) manipulation is what informed her actions thereafter helped her break the pattern. Her worth to men is not just sex, she has value and her hopes and dreams have value, she doesn’t have to change into a different person to please anyone, because if that is what they want, they won’t ever want her anyway.

It’s been described here on Tumblr by people more eloquent and astute than I as a song that encapsulates the album as this: one did it slow (partner), one did it fast (conman), and one did it first (first love)— and that is haunting. After years of men minimizing her dreams and desires, if not outright using them against her, she’s finally at the point where she can let it all go and move on for good. (There’s a whole other tangent about consent and shame and manipulation, but that’s an entirely different kind of discussion. But it is so devastatingly contrasted with “you said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine, and that made me want to die.”)

THE SUMMATION

This is just my interpretation of it, but in going through the standard album, it feels pretty clear how cohesive the album is about a story of love and loss and grief, then reckoning with what caused it all in the first place that set a person on this path. It’s a formative experience at a young age that was traumatic and led to certain coping mechanisms and a shaping of one’s self-perception, as well as the reaction to external pressures that try to dictate behaviours and influence how one feels one deserves out of love which makes it harder to know when one absolutely deserves more and better. And leaves one struggling to cope with loss when there isn’t anything else to hold onto. Then in light of one’s life blowing up, learning to find oneself in the aftermath all over again.

On another tangent that is somewhat related to the theme of loss, the way she writes about the two main muses on the standard album also ties into how the situations converged to create absolute carnage on her emotional and mental well-being. With one situation, she’s talking about a concrete life that crumbles under the weight of their struggles; with the other, the entire thing is a fantasy that she builds up in her head, and when it comes to fruition it falls far, far short.

If you look at the “microwave” (conman) relationship, you realize that almost everything she writes about it happens before it actually becomes reality, and it’s mostly her imagining how great it’ll be, but with few exceptions, when she writes about what actually occurred, it doesn’t even come close to living up to her expectations. “Fortnight” is an imagined future where she escapes to Florida and his touch finally starts her stalled engine (ahem). “TTPD” is perhaps the most positive retelling of their time together, but even that implies he was better off stoned and when he sobered up he succumbed to his demons all over again, and more importantly she conveys how she also is in extreme distress, barely concealed by the veneer of being infatuated with him. (E.g. saying to that she’ll kill herself if he ever leaves her — the implication is that she is absolutely serious about it when she “felt seen.”) And that the warning bells are going off in her head, but she feels like this person is the only one she can be with (because they’re equally fucked up and the chaos he brings into her life makes her feel alive when she felt so close to death).

“Down Bad” is the most explicit about being in love, but she’s also left completely confused and disoriented by him disappearing, wondering if any of it was real and the seeds of violation creep into her consciousness (“did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” “Waking up in blood.”). “But Daddy” is her imagining she can tell everyone to fuck off for telling her what to do with her life. “Fresh Out The Slammer” is her fantasizing about this man while feeling trapped in her relationship — but never in the song is she actually reunited with him; she’s using him as the projection of all the things she’ll make right after being wronged by her partner. “Guilty As Sin?” Is very obviously about her fantasizing about sleeping with him, but again it’s such a minefield for her because it hasn’t happened yet; they’ve only just reconnected. “I Can Fix Him” is the only song other than “TTPD” that shows them actually together, and it’s the one where she keeps saying, essentially, “I know he’s gross but I can rehabilitate him into an upstanding person, trust me,” until the mic drop at the end of the song where it finally hits her that no, she can’t, because this is who he is, not the person she’s built him up to be.

“Loml” is when it all comes crashing down, and the song emphasizes everything he did and told her, e.g. that she’s the love of his life, but she doesn’t return the sentiment in the song about their time together. Because now that it’s past tense, she knows it wasn’t actually love. (And says as much in the album epilogue poem.) “Broken Heart” is her reeling in the aftermath, but again, it’s “he said,” not “I loved.” And then there’s “The Smallest Man,” where she eviscerates him: he also pursued an idea of her but didn’t care much for the real her in front of him (who else is gonna know me?), he love bombed her only to hurt her (crushing her dreams), he was constantly stoned (and not just in the funny munchies kind of way), and he wasn’t even a good lover (despite the fantasy she’d created before). That last point is especially striking because she spent albums singing about the importance of and pleasure in (sexual) intimacy in the relationship with her partner (sometimes to both their own detriment) and how it was at times the only way they could connect, but in this case, the idea she hyped up and acted on in her head about this lover never panned out in practice. She spells it out in the epilogue: it wasn’t a love affair, it was a mutual manic phase.

In contrast, there’s a lot more tangible action in the “oven” (partner) parts of the album, showing how hard she tried to make the relationship work in real life instead of just in her head. All of “So Long, London” is her detailing how she tried to break through to him and support him, even when he rejected it and pushed her away, thinking she could carry them both until they ultimately sank, but she did it because she “loved this place for so long.” (The place? Not just the city, but the home and perhaps most importantly, him.) In “Slammer” she stayed with him even as things disintegrated for “one hour of sunshine.” (E.g. holding onto the rarer good times even as they were fewer and further between, hoping things would eventually turn around.) And like in “London,” she held on despite people in her life pleading with her that it was hurting her. (Which is also echoed in “Slammer.”) In “Guilty” her boredom is “bone deep” because the passion that once drove their relationship (and papered over their problems) has finally gone out too, so there’s nothing left to hold onto, leading to her fantasizing about the new suitor, which makes her realize her relationship has passed the point of no return. “Loml” is about the conman on the surface, but the undercurrent of all the things she says about him is that he was co-opting the dreams that she was clinging onto for dear life in the previous relationship, which is why the con is so painful; the field of dreams he sets ablaze isn’t just the fake painting he sold to her, but the original artifact (her life with her partner) too.

All the physical and emotional labour she puts into the relationship with her partner ends up reflected in the fantasizing she does in the one with the conman, which is why it is so confusing in the moment and so lethal when he leaves her without any answers. She wants to get married and start a family with her partner which keeps getting stalled; the conman mock-proposes which makes her think he’s immediately serious (“TTPD,” “loml”). She feels caged by having to hide with her partner and shrink herself; the conman promises he’ll stand by her side publicly and let her shine (“Smallest Man”). She sinks into a deep depression in her loneliness as the relationship with her partner careens off a cliff; the conman convinces her they’re meant for each other in a them-against-the-world way (“Down Bad”). The intimacy (in all senses of the word) in her relationship with her partner fizzles; the conman stokes the fire by sending her secret messages and reigniting passion (“Guilty”). She spent years trying to help her partner to no avail; the conman makes her think she has the power to reform him (“loml”). She feels misunderstood by her partner; the conman acts like he’s the (only) one who truly gets her (“TTPD,” “loml”).

In short: there’s nothing that the conman does or says that isn’t a direct response to what her partner did first, and it’s even worse because the conman knew how much her partner’s actions hurt her and he used that privileged information to paint a picture of what he could give her, but in doing so in some ways aimed at her heart with even deadlier accuracy. (I’ve likened it to him borrowing someone else’s life for his own joyride, until he crashes the rental car and flees the scene.) It’s why in the aftermath, the difference in emotions are so different: she feels nothing but rage and violation towards the conman for getting in her head and using her, whereas her feelings towards her partner are more complicated. There’s anger (at her lost youth and being taken for granted), but there’s also sorrow (at their lost life and future), disappointment (that he never could step up the way he’d promised or she’d needed), even compassion (towards his struggles) and a tiny measure of appreciation (for the good times they did share).

When you look at the bigger picture, the story the album paints is just so painfully normal. You have two people (Taylor and her partner) who once loved each other deeply, and despite warning signs early on telling them they have fundamentally different needs and ways of living their lives they fight like hell to make it work (the epilogue) until those warning signs become grenades that destroy their home (“My Boy,” “London,” “Slammer,” arguably “loml”). Having already been through at least one rough patch/break/breakup that she felt almost destroyed her (harkening back to Midnights on “You’re Losing Me,” “The Great War” and “Hits Different”), the final and fatal downward spiral of the relationship (“YLM,” “London”) and the grief over losing that future sends her into a tailspin, just at the time where a flame from the past (the conman) reenters her life and tells her all the things she’s been longing to hear and feel (“TTPD,” “Down Bad,” “Guilty,” “loml”) and, crucially, missing from the relationship that was once her entire life.

So in her panic, she falls prey to the (empty) promises of the past lover (“loml,” “Smallest Man”) and decides he’s actually what will save her from the free fall, because the alternative (that she will end up in a situation she doesn’t think she can survive) is too painful to bear. When she finally acts on these circumstances (leaves her partner/runs to the conman), she snaps, acting on pure emotion and adrenaline (“But Daddy”), but before she knows it, the new lover abandons her, and she’s left to reckon with the fallout of the episode and process everything that has happened (“Down Bad,” “loml”) — with the conman, with her partner, with the choices made in her adult life personally and professionally which leads her back to the moment she feels set her down that road at the start.

The TL;DR of this unintentionally long essay is that the reason the conman affair was so serious was precisely because it was meant to fulfill the promise of what was her life with her partner. To me, a large part of the story is that she projected that life onto the conman (or he projected her life back to her for his own purposes) because she wasn’t ready to deal with that massive grief and the life raft he offered felt like the only alternative to an even darker end. Whether the conman actually believed what he told her, or he went along with it or encouraged it because it served his purpose, we’ll never know, just like we’ll never know the finer details of what went on (nor should we). But no matter what, the album is just an extreme deep dive into all the ways grief can consume us, and whether it’s a long, drawn-out death or a sudden, inexplicable one, it can turn a person’s life into such a trainwreck that they act in ways unfathomable to even them, let alone the people around them. It can also unleash repressed trauma and mental illness that can crater your sense of self. And when those situations are compounded? It makes for a nearly impossible type of breakdown to unpack. (Which is why you might need a 31 song album to process it.)

#What if i told you I’m back lol #Time for me to finally just post the thing after it’s been sitting in my drafts for so long so I can rid myself of it lol #Writing letters addressed to the fire #the tortured poets department #Consider this a treat before Eras comes back for its swan song leg idk #Would you believe that as long as this is #i deleted quite a few chunks of it from the original draft i sent to a friend(s) in the interest of ~propriety~#Because they were a little too rambly and um— ~speculative~/personal/etc and we are flying too close to the sun #And i tried to be as tactful and more or less stick to things we can point to in the music and such #So hope people catch my drift lmao but also iykyk i guess #I have so many other themes I want to talk about but I never have any time #I have so much more i want to say and yet #wavesoutbeingtossed: The Anthology #Also if things get weird i will turn off reblogs/delete the post tbd #This is not an invitation to get into muse ranting or debate in my inbox and I ask that you please respect my boundaries :)#Midnights #lover #folklore #evermore

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kelocitta · 1 year ago

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In honor of the @rw-ship-showdown I wanted to write about Artihunter as someone who jokingly slapped them together pre-downpour and still thinks they are actually very compelling. Just not in the super soft love wins kinda way (Although I get why people like that more) And the only way I know how to do that is talking too much so heres a far too long slug essay-

Obviously the slugcats don't offer a ton of characterization but theres not nothing to work with. Their stories, whether by their roles in it or the overarching themes do provide a backbone to work with. Even gameplay itself can provide a bit. (for some more than others) Hunter, to me, is ultimately a story about selflessness. The goal is to revive Moon, which is very much an act of kindness from both Hunter and NSH. But the weight of that action is much more significant for Hunter- Hunter is deeply sick. They're on the clock, and for all their skill in combat none of that will ultimately help them to survive longer than their body can hold out. Moon is a close friend of NSH but that means little Hunter- Hunter really gets next to nothing out of helping them, and ultimately pays quiet a bit spending their limited time alive fighting to deliver that neuron so that someone else can live.

To spend ones limited days on helping another, in a game that very much stresses the unwavering cruelty of the world and nature- is pretty notable. (And you could even say that Hunter being the Hardmode of Rain World adds another layer to this)

And then we have Artificer. A storyline that very much stands out to people as more… villainous (so to speak) than the other slugcats. Artificer's story covers a lot of things. Trauma, violence, revenge, etc. Revenge is a bit of a selfish desire- That need to see someone hurt as they have hurt you. A punishment that ultimately does not fix whatever harm was done- but feels good to see because you were hurt and now those responsible share that pain.

Artificer's actions are founded in that need for revenge, their pups killed for overstepping boundaries they didn't know existed. Is it not fair for them to be angry at that, to punish the scavengers for their violence with their own? Why should the scavengers ever be forgiven when they and their pups were not? And that's how you get that loop- Harm for harm over and over.

The original action has been lost in a spiral of violence for violence. And here stands Artificer- their very spirit scarred. Not just because they sought revenge, but because they never ceased trying to scratch that itch for violence as an answer. Artificer only has two paths for their story- killing the scavenger king (Someone who, really, has little to do with the original 'crime' of the scavengers, but represents an important individual to them- as did the slugpups to Artificer), locking themselves as karma one for good and spending the rest of their life chasing creatures that no longer even fight back in a warped sense of closure- or to dissolve themselves in the acids of the void sea because they're too far gone to find any real peace.

They can't meaningfully recover from that state, not alone, twisting in on themselves. Even if they halt their actions, they've been using violence as a feeble defense against their own pain- violence that no longer has any real direction or basis. Artificer gets no real closure from killing the scavenger king. All they can do is continue the cycle, or try to scrub it away. No real peace in a prison of their own making. So you have a creature, who even with a strict timer on their life- a body that will crumble to disease, spends its last bit of time on saving another. And another who was so caught up in the pain of loss that were eaten alive by their own anger, poisoned their own soul on such a deep level even self-proclaimed gods have no solution for them. What peace can they offer each other? For Hunter, its only a fleeting moment of happiness- of selfish love, before their own body fails them. A bit of indulgence in something for themself. For Artificer, its a single, comforting thread to ground them again, something tangible to protect and care about again. But thats a thread that will ultimately be snapped under the cruel indifference of the world. Hunters timer will tick down regardless of if it takes another with it. Its a tragedy- its doomed to end badly. Whatever good it offers to either of them to find each other will only provide the fleeting comfort of a band-aid that will be ripped away too early. But all that can be worth indulging in anyway, if only for the moment. It doesn't change the ending, but the ending was never going to be happy. Its can so yuri

#rain world #rw shipping #tagging that just cause this is explicitly about that even though I usually dont do shipping stuff #with that said i dont even think this particular interpretation of a possible dynamic needs to be romantic its just kinda #about companionship in general. companionship thats going to absolutely shred an already unstable slug emotionally but thats #the point. friendship and love in spite of the unavoidable ending #just noticed this is like 80% theme analysis and 20% 'these go together just trust me'#but also theyre both girls because i want them to and also because im channeling hornet from hollow knight #who made me so deeply ill that my rain world tags still havent outcompeted my Hk tags because i drew her so much. so so much.#hunter is hornet coded to me and artificer is like if angela and gebura from lc combined into a deeply fucked up ferret #also i did tag the poll because they kinda inspired this but also. i wasnt gonna put all this out here WITHOUT a readmore thats embarassing #but i guess this is propaganda for a ship already seen as popular but like... idk i think theres something to it even as someone #who did literally slap them together originally because they were both red slugcats i considered girls. predownpour so we didnt have anythi #anyway hi tag readers i have so much work to do im being bad by writing about gay slugs. i need to get myself together #its so late this might just be nonsense bwaaaaaaa

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avelera · 11 days ago

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I have seen some discourse going around about how Mel never manipulated jayce. Do you agree? And what are your views considering mel?

I say this because I think that she did kind of manipulate jayce in the beginning but genuinely ended up falling for him in the end. I mean she had to genuinely care and love him if she ended up subconsciously saving him with magic.

I think that a lot of people from what I have seen were pissed at season 2 ep8 when jayce got into the argument with Mel but I thought it was quite understandable that he reacted the way he did especially after what he went through. That being said I still felt bad for mel because she literally lost everything and was ready to open up to him.

Sorry for the ramble

I think a lot of the Mel/Jayce discourse is being done in bad faith right now, mostly by people who are anti-Jayce/Viktor rather than pro Mel/Jayce for whatever reason. I would point out, that canonically Mel and Jayce are not together at the end of the show and they also canonically (in my opinion) break up. So it's fine if you just really like the ship or wish things had gone differently, but it should be acknowledged that any Mel/Jayce fic outside the brief time they're together in the show is as much an AU as any Jayvik fic where they got together earlier.

As for the manipulation, I mean yeah, it canonically happened. There shouldn't be a debate. Jayce calls her out on in it 2.08 and Mel doesn't deny it, she just gives her reasons for why she manipulated him. Ostensibly it was to help him and Hextech too but she absolutely used sex as a tool of persuasion with deliberate intent to use it for those ends, she absolutely flirted with Jayce to ingratiate herself to him, she absolutely called him an investment (though there is a slight plothole on how he knows that, it was never said in his hearing), and even if she poses it to herself as helping him she also used those persuasive power to nudge him towards Hextech weapons which he categorically did not want to make, so her own ends superseded his benefit or preference in canonical instances.

For those who deny manipulation took place, go back and watch the opera house scene in S1. She plays him like a fiddle. Indeed, the expert violinist on stage (playing an actual Stradivarius irl, btw) is symbolically depicted as Mel's counterpart, showing how expertly she is manipulating the situation, and Jayce.

Now, I think you can chart how much Mel was with Jayce for her own ends vs. affection for him by her support for Hextech weaponry. When she's pushing for it, she's using him for her own House's goals. When she drops Hextech weapons as an issue and instead supports Jayce's vision for it (in S2) that's when she's acting out of affection for him. It's tragic that her affection for him grows while his declines so sharply as a result of his ordeal and finally realizing the early manipulations (kinda like that trope where someone dates another person for a bet, then falls for them, and then the other person learns about the bet and breaks up with them, only this one without a happy reunion after).

Their relationship is tragic. It's a tragedy. And it ends tragically with them apart and us left wondering if they could have made it together under other circumstances. "What could have been?" is an overarching theme in Arcane, and it is our own choices, our own ambition and greed that get in the way of getting what we need instead of what we want. Every single character is built around these principles, with the happy endings being those who get what they need instead of what they want, and the tragic ones (like Mel) getting what they want (power, to be an official Medarda as she says in her first scene) and not what she needs, which is anyone around her to share it with. You can feel the loss but you have to also acknowledge how she ended up there and why she narratively can't earn Jayce's love after what she did at the start of the relationship.

#mel medarda #jayce talis #arcane #arcane meta #again not putting this in the tag for their relationship since it could be seen as critical #even if I just see it as analysis

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superectojazzmage · 9 months ago

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As another note on the new X-Men 97 episode, something I love about it is that the ending is a perfect illustration of the franchise's themes of the worthless, self-perpetuating nature of violence and bigotry, as well as a perfect summation of the senseless nature of the normal/mutant/sentinel war that forms the overarching conflict of X-Men.

NOBODY won here. The mutants were attacked in their new home and suffered utterly demoralizing losses. Numerous flatscans are dead too. The sentinels were sent to die on mutant spears for nothing, and they did. Even the bigots who instigated the attack didn't get what they wanted. All this horror and blood, and all anybody has to show for it is corpses. Because it's all pointless. Nothing but mildly different strains of human killing each other over petty differences and paranoia.

If that doesn't drive it all home, I don't know what could.

#x men #x men comics #x men 97 #x men the animated series #xmen 97 #xmen #uncanny xmen #marvel #marvel comics #marvel universe #comic books #comics

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ennn · 18 days ago

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Why did we get a post-death scene with Alice and not Lilia or Mrs Hart Sharon?

Thanks to @diving-llama for the ask

I think having that scene with Alice and Death makes a lot sense for episode 8 because it touches on the same overarching theme about death during the earth trial and after, which we see with Agatha and Nicky:

Sometimes people—boys, newborn babies, brave and kind people with so much to live for—just die.

It's not because they weren't loved enough, or that they, or the people they leave behind, deserved it. Bad things happen because things happen all the time ("120 bodies empty out every minute"). The universe doesn't care. People care. And it's people who decide whether the things that happen are good or bad.

And sometimes people with superpowers and big feelings fuck up the universe but that's another issue to get into.

Unlike Alice, Lilia because of all that happens in episode 7, has accepted her death ("I will fall"). She has the benefit of seeing it coming a bit in advance compared to most other people, but it's still her choice to stay and sacrifice herself to stop the Salem Seven. It's fate but also her agency at the same time.

Beyond that, I think part of Lilia's story in episode 7 is about her coming to terms with her past and how her power cannot save everyone from death. Lilia's gift and curse is knowledge: oftentimes she has to simply watch and make the best of what precious time remains—and in her case, use her time to save her coven.

It is important, I think, that Lilia has her brief conversations with her mentor, who reminds her of what she's really searching for: purpose, identity, community, meaning.

In the end, Lilia's story feels complete because she makes her choice knowing her end, seeing her power and her value. For Alice, whose death comes as a shock, it makes sense to give her story a bit of closure. Death reminds her (and the viewer) that there can be meaning to be had, if you want to look for it: "You're a protection witch, you died protecting someone."

Life and death and loss and pain, things happen. Things will happen. Whether they're good or bad things is up for people to decide.

From a Doylist perspective, we know the show has limited time and budget so it makes sense to prioritise scenes that have the most significance to the main story and character(s). As a more secondary character, it's unsurprising Sharon Davis doesn't get a post-death scene.

I think Lilia's story and Alice's scene help to show the two broad responses to death, of readiness and reluctance, and Sharon's could have fallen under either. We don't know enough about Sharon, to know whether she would have accepted her fate or not.

It's also interesting to consider that they did to an extent (i.e. as much as budget allowed) show the idea of how Death appears differently to different people. Because the Death that Alice meets is different from other versions: Lilia sees her full skeletal form in episode 3, and we see a much kinder and softer Death guiding Nicky when we dies.

#agatha all along #alice wu gulliver #lilia calderu #aaa meta #tv: agatha all along

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askinkiskarma · 29 days ago

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I have a lot of thoughts about arcane and rather than dealing with them on my own i thought i would try to write them out and see how other people feel and maybe have a conversation about it, because the beauty of art is sharing it and seeing it through your own eyes, as well as others’ - the beauty of art is its ability to ignite and spark a conversation… a change.

Arcane is very important to me, because of what it represents - humanity, in all its aspects and kaleidoscopic facets, in all its glory and in all its misery. What made it unique is how inherently relatable and universal the feelings and experiences the characters go through and how inherently human their problems are at their core, and whilst they were able to keep a lot of those sentiments in season 2, I feel by act iii they forsook a lot of what made arcane special.

Very rambly thoughts ahead, I do apologise, and please tell me yours, I would love to speak about it and process it.

To me arcane was always about class struggles, about oppression, about what happens to the oppressed when they are pushed to the brink, about how that affects a person’s journey and their fates, and putting faces to those struggles on both sides of the equation - vi, an orphaned child who was forced to grow up too quickly and parentified to the point she felt like she had no value outside of being a protector; jinx - a brilliant mind who fell victim to trauma because there was no one able to help her outgrow it or deal with it; silco - a man who has seen the oppression first hand and chose to fight it regardless of the sacrifice it took. I could keep going and going but Arcane was a phenomenal display of character and morality, and an almost perfect attempt at the shades of grey that make most of us who we are. No character was without flaw, and no character was unjustified in their actions in their own minds and due to their own particular set of circumstances.

I think most of the gripes I have with season 2 stem from two overarching themes: time and ambition. But before I go into this, let me praise it for a bit because despite all my grievances, I still think it is the best animated piece of art of all time and I still think it's better than 99% of anything I've ever been invested in. Although almost redundant to even talk about, I want to shine a light onto the animation. I have to give so much credit to every single person involved in bringing this series to life, because it is a spectacle from the first frame to the last, and the amount of talent, effort and passion it took to do this can never be put into words.

I will bring up things I loved about it as I'm talking what I didn't, because they are very much entrenched. My biggest complain about season 2 is that, the fact that it was only one season. I believe everything they've set out to achieve and every plot point they introduced could have been properly addressed and done justice in in one more season, and therefore, none of the problems I'm about to go into would have ever been an issue.

Imagine this: season 2 starts exactly as it did, with the first three episodes dealing with the aftermath of jinx's actions and the loss that drives Piltover into deplorable reactions, with Caitlyn and Ambessa at the helm, descending into fascism, Cait driven by blind rage and the prejudice she's been fed her entire life without an active effort into trying to overcome it, Ambessa driven by ambition and desperate attempts to one-up the Black Rose organisation. However, the season progresses differently - to me, this conflict and its consequences should have been what this season was about.

Simple yet deeply impactful, tackling the themes they set up in the last season, tackling the intricacies of what would lead the characters into their actions - for Cait, expanding on the way grief, fear and guilt makes you regress back to your most ignorant, primal, selfish self; for Vi, the way a lifetime of being told she's responsible for everything and everyone and her unbridled desire for love and family made her abandon her core principles and join the people she hates in order to kill the monster she thinks she's responsible for creating; for Ambessa, the way her deeply embedded and deeply repressed fear of the Black Rose coupled with the Noxian belief in strength and sacrifice and war made her give up one her core beliefs that warriors are forged through blood sweat and tears and not through magic and reach out to Singed, therefore becoming an almost caricature of herself etc etc etc.

That coupled with the overarching conflict between Piltover and Zaun, how Piltover's actions are the breaking point for Zaun, as well as the personal conflicts between Jinx and Vi, Mel and Ambessa, Vi and Cait, potentially Jayce and Cait once Jayce realises Cait has become someone she would have absolutely despised just a few weeks ago, would have made for a compelling and powerful season that kept to much of the themes of the first season and could have been the stepping stones for a larger conflict that could have been introduced but not expanded in this season - Viktor and the Hexcore, the bigger battle between humanity vs the arcane, the Black Rose and their involvement in everything.

Season 2 would introduce Isha as a positive role model for Jinx and a way that Jinx would be able to be rescued from the nothingness her life had become - Isha could have been a symbol for Zaun, and the reason Jinx would decide to become the face of the revolution for Zaun independence. Season 2 could have ended with the Jinx and Vander moment in the prison, or with her reaching out for Vi after her KO in the pits. Season 3 then could have dealt with everything else, and been a great way to introduce other characters and other conflicts (Mel and the Black Rose), which I assume will be part of the next series about runeterra.

I think this season and what it was trying to achieve was great, but its biggest downfall was that in its ambition, it fell short of what made it great. Because whilst the fighting and the animations and the moments we did get with the characters were great, there wasn't enough time to make them justified or fleshed out, and in that, we lost the essence of what people loved the most about Arcane - the eye to detail, the accuracy in character writing and portrayal.

I loved seeing Cait and Vi together and I loved seeing them get into conflict - I did not, however, love that Caitlyn went from being a dictator to redeeming herself in basically one episode with no consequences for her actions. Vi should have been mad, she should have been furious, she should have held her accountable and she didn't. I wanted them to have a much earned sex scene, but not in a prison, which overlooks the insane amount of trauma Vi has suffered in Stillwater and how insensitive doing it there comes across as.

I loved seeing Jinx and Vi reunited - but for a story that started and was always at its core a story about two sisters, there was not nearly enough done to explore their very complicated and tumultuous relationship and bring it to a satisfying conclusion. Not one scene in which they talked about their issues, where they opened up about the past, where they resolved anything before Jinx eventually died, and then, not even one scene of Vi mourning her or what her death represents to the overarching story or to Zaun.

I loved seeing Jinx get better, and her character was actually the highlight of the show for me this season, but a lot of it felt rushed and not properly explored - by the beginning of act 2 she seemed basically perfectly sane, and even after losing Isha, she seemed perfectly in charge of her emotions and was able to surrender herself and make perfectly rational decisions, which doesn't seem in line with all we know about jinx. Not to mention Isha was never mentioned once in the whole of act 3, and neither did Jinx becoming a symbol for Zaun amount to absolutely anything in the end.

I hated how much like the fandom, and the characters themselves, the writers seem to overlook Vi completely. She got the short end of the stick at literally every turn and I thought she would have gotten a semblance of justice in the end, but she didn’t. She forsake everything she knew and believed in because Jinx needed to be killed - Jinx was actually better and fixed herself without any of her involvement, so she betrayed herself for nothing. She finally opens up to Cait and cries in front of her, begging her not to change because she’s already lost everything - Cait betrays her like 5 minutes later and attacks her, abandoning her, then comes back like nothing happened and Vi doesn’t give a shit and forgives her immediately. Finally gets Vander and Jinx back? Loses them both again in the span of a few days. SHE EVEN FUCKING GOT A BAD ENDING IN THE HAPPY ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE ELSE WAS HAPPY LIKE WTF. I could keep going and going about Vi and all the ways she was done wrong but I’d be here forever so let’s move on but #justiceforvi

I liked the Jayce and Viktor conflict and I actually believe everything they've done with that they handled well, since it was basically the main plot of the season, and I loved the way ekko's storyline intertwined with theirs, but this could have been handled even better in a season dedicated to it, and I wish it hadn't come at the expense of Jinx, Vi, Cait and the conflict between Zaun and Piltover. Watching this show felt a little bit like watching season 1 of game of thrones and then halfway through season 2 we're actually in season 8 and the white walkers are here and nobody cares about the iron throne anymore and everything that happened we're supposed to forget about and focus on jon snow vs the night king and it's so confusing cause I kinda cared about Ned Stark and who killed Jon Arryn and i’m kinda still mad that Cersei killed Lady and I’m still curious about Bran and his visions and Varys and the importance of choosing a leader who cares about the small folks and and and ???

This is such a long post and I’m very sorry and I’m writing it on my phone so it might not even make sense but I needed to get some of it out because this has taken over my life.

I probably will have more thoughts as I’m processing this more but for now pls tell me i’m not alone and pls tell me your thoughts 🤍

#so sorry for the rambles #arcane #arcane spoilers #arcane season 2 #arcane vi #arcane jinx #arcane cait #vi arcane #vi #jinx #cait #viktor #viktor arcane #jayce arcane #mel arcane #arcane lol #league of legends #lol

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temperamentalaquarius · 10 months ago

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Faulting Bruce for blaming Jason for his own death is just... the worst take imaginable. Not to say it was Jason's fault, or that Jason has no right to feel hurt/angry about being blamed for his own death, because absolutely he should, but blaming a loved one for their death is...natural? It's easy to say that it's not fair to do that, but nothing about death or grief is fair(which btw is the overarching theme of Jason and Bruce's entire relationship).

Bruce losing a child and reacting with an 'ugly' coping mechanism - one that doesn't hurt the dead loved one, and isn't intended to, because they usually stay dead- doesn't make him an asshole, it just makes him one of a million everyday people who are coping with unimaginable loss in the exact same way. Jason coming back to life doesn't negate that, it complicates it- ie both can be hurt, and no one has to be wrong. Yes, abandoning the idea that one can fully moralize grief and viewing Bruce as more than a one dimensional thorn in Jason's side makes it harder to apply fault, but reducing Jason and Bruce's relationship to who was wrong and who was right strips their dynamic of everything that makes it interesting, and should never have been the point in the first place

#bruce wayne #batman #jason todd #red hood #batfam #bitch i might wing #I am not a Bruce defender I just almost got an undergrad degree in psychology #I am also a Bruce defender LOL

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rnn11203 · 15 days ago

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I think Mine is so interesting be his "villainess" is so deeply personal, his antagonistic role stems from his perceived loss of daigo, i think its cruel to think his actions meant he didnt care for daigo since daigo was only comatose. He clearly states that much of his concerns come from a fear of daigo becoming exploited, that keeping him in the state he is in would be undignified and disrespectful, that he would be willing to lead the Tojo clan not because daigo would want him to but because daigos very existence gave him some veiled sense of meaning and the Tojo clan would be his last remaining connection, a dream that daigo shared with him.

It's cool that mine claims to care little for others when hes so fond of both daigo and his adoptive father, that he doesnt know how to feel human (that daigo was the first to show him Ill), that he scraped and clawed his way out of poverty no thanks to anything or anyone but himself.

To me, Mines antagonistic role stems from his love, and lack there of. Which is different from other antagonists who seek power or wealth or respect. It's also something that isnt revealed until the very end, up until the rooftop confession kiryus under the impression that Mine is like everyone else, that he wants power, money. Instead, mine makes a confession of love and his destruction of the orphanage is extremely personal not just because he blames it for daigos state, but also because of his own self loathing.

Kiryus fights with the villains arent always a battle of strength, they arent just physical fights, its a battle of will. Kiryus strength is not just physical, its emotional. It's interesting that kiryus most exhausting fights (mine in yakuza 3 and ebina in yakuza IW) are also the ones that follow very emotional stories (have ur opinions on IW ebina but i think the game was really clear that ebina was more of an overarching theme/yakuza representation, and to me i thought it was rather nice)

#yakuza #rgg #yakuza mine yoshitaka #mine yakuza 3 #yakuza 3 #y3 #mine yoshitaka #daigo dojima #iw spoilers #infintiewealth #yakuza 8 #lad 8 #like a dragon infinite wealth #minedai thoughts #minedai

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walker-extended-universe · 7 months ago

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Celebrating Walker event

Though the end of Walker isn't exactly something we're looking forward to, I do think there is something to celebrate. Walker was a fantastic show that got four seasons and a spin-off in a very constricting entertainment climate. It brought the fandom a lot of joy and gave us a great story with a lot of new characters to fall in love with. As much as I mourn the loss of one of the best shows on the CW, I'm happy to have been here for it.

So, in honor of the greatness that came before, I'm proposing a "Celebrating Walker" event! Four weeks gushing about our favorite aspects of this show. Each week will have an overarching theme such as "Favorite Character" and each day will have a specific sub-category such as "Favorite Antagonist".

Anyone can participate in this celebration event and there's no limit to what can be submitted for the celebration. Gifsets, fanfic, meta, fanvids, photo edits, anything goes! Your only limit is your imagination. I'll be using the tag #celebrating walker but if you want to make extra sure I see your creation, feel free to tag or DM me.

Ready to celebrate? Because I am!

Here is the schedule I've put together for the event:

Week 1 (August 5-9th): Favorite Dynamic

Day 1- Friend dynamic

Day 2- Family dynamic

Day 3- Enemy/antagonist dynamic

Day 4- Romantic dynamic

Free day- Unexplored dynamic

Week 2 (August 12-16th) : Favorite Episode

Day 1- Season 1

Day 2- Season 2

Day 3- Season 3

Day 4- Season 4

Day 5- Favorite finale

Week 3 (August 19-23): Favorite Character

Day 1- Regular cast

Day 2- Side character

Day 3- One-off character

Day 4- Villain/antagonist

Day 5- Character we should've seen more of

Week 4 (August 26-30): Favorite Plot

Day 1- Season arc

Day 2- Family plot

Day 3- Ranger plot

Day 4- Singular episode plot

Day 5- Plot that should've been explored more

You don't have to participate in every single day to be a part of the event, but you're certainly welcome to try! I know I will be :D

Now let's get to celebrating!

Taglist below the cut (if you want to be added to the taglist, see this post)

@theladywyn, @jaredwalkertexasranger, @laf-outloud, @aborddelimpala, @mysterybeau, @sweet-sammy-kisses, @kickingitwithkirk, @rhl74, @peachparakeet, @dumb-fawkin-bitch, @loveforwomenstuff, @low-soduimfreak, @ihavepointysticks, @waywardmaslow, @arte-mishuntress, @the-slythering-raven, @deeranger, @duo-kun, @inafieldofdaisies, @not-your-housekeeper98, @nancymcl

#walker #walker family #walker fandom #fandom event #celebrating walker #this is gonna be fun

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stagefoureddiediaz · 2 years ago

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Costume Meta 6x13

Was that real - did that episode actually happen or was it all a collective fever dream?!! I”m still sat here with my jaw on the floor trying to process all of the epic goodies we got in that episode, and the costumes were no exception!!!

I’ve spent far too long trying to figure out how to assemble my meta this week, but I’ve just gone with the flow and seen where it take me! Also this beast did not want to be wrangled and my ADHD decided side quests were far more fun and so getting this written has been a real struggle (I came out victorious though which is all that matters) and why its a bit later than normal (we’re not going to talk about my laptop deciding to crash and rebooting to a document that was missing half of what I had written - I couldn’t get it back so sad times!)!!

its under the cut - because as always - its a loooonnnnggggg post!!

We’re starting with the Wilson family (and Chimneys first costume!) because they actually sit separately from the rest of the characters from a costuming perspective this week!

There are a couple of things to note for the opening Wilson family scene which are kind of overarching things. Firstly the fact that Chim and Denny are both dressed in black and grey - a really clever choice when you consider their topic of conversation - fathers and things that have happened that cannot be undone - the grey acts as a form of fade out - kind of like a greyed out button on a computer screen - preventing you from clicking on it. Both Chimneys semi resolved arc (the decision to make his peace with his father and he reality of the situation) and Denny’s current arc echo each other up to this point in time - Chim’s father came back into his life and he made peace with it, Denny’s father is currently (and unknown to everyone) back in his life.

Both Chim and Denny are also wearing chack pattern - chims more hidden and Denny’s down the side - but Hen is also wearing a very loud and bright check pattern - she is the nly one in colour and the test card patterning of her jumper says so mcuh about both check theory and the fact that at this moment in time, she is not active in the plot - not in the conversation Denny and Chim have just had, and not in the Nathaniel of it all either. We know Denny is in danger later on so his check is also foreshadowing that, Hen is also in danger (emotional danger is just as vaild as physical danger) and Chimneys danger is more low key - its closer to his chest - his home being ‘invaded’.

However when Hen does come into play, we get a much more muted tones and we get these, whites, dusty pinks, lilacs and dusty purples, along with teal green trousers. Karen is in a black silk blouse with lilacs in a lilac colour on - this pairs her and Hen up in their respective styles and shows us they are on the same page. Lilacs are an interesting choice of floral and colour - it symbolises youth and innocence as well as love and purity. However Lilacs also mean old love and were often given to and worn by widows in the victorian era as a symbol of lost love and lost innocence! so the black paired with the prolifferation of lilacs (both colour and flowers) are telling that Hen and Karen are no longer ‘innocent’ (by which I mean they have gained knowledge) and they are also mourning the loss of the stable family life they thought they had created.

the choice to have Denny in army green continues a theme we’ve seen with him so far this season - the use of camouflage and army colour-ways to show him as sneaking around going undetected, and now the full on army green reads as an act of aggression - to the family life Hen and Karen have created, as well as to the agreement they had put into place with Nathaniel back in season 2.

I found the choice to have Karen in black with some yellow in her trousers and Hen in very bright emerald green (also with some yellow in her trousers) very interesting. Karens black is carrying on that theme of mourning, but its also a power colour - so its Karen still angry and grieving, but its also her pushing forward. the yellow is her communicating (on a low level) her anger and upset over what has happened.

Hen meanwhile is going full out into jealousy mode - we are seeing a Hen who is feeling threatened by Nathaniel and is jealous of the relationship her son has secretly been building with his bio father. THis is the culmination of all those little hints about the role Hen fills in Denny’s life - that she has been the one supporting and encouraging his sporting interests - thats why we saw Eddie and her throwing a baseball - so she could continue to share a sporting connection and interest wit her son. Hen feels threatened and jealous of Nathaniel’s stepping into that area she previously filled.

The wardrobe department just keep knocking it out of the park with the kids clothes this season. Denny’s mushroom shirt is amazing. Mushrooms are about duality - they represent both decay and deterioration, but also transformation and growth in the darkness. so Denny wearing this shirt here is perfect - he is going through puberty - a time of transformation and his acting out in his sneaking around etc is a symbol of that transformative time. His relationship with his mothers has deteriorated and decayed - they no longer feel like they can trust him, but his conversation with Toni brings him hope and the opportunity for all to grow through this dark time. its a really clever piece of costuming and I love it so much.

Karens dark teal green is interesting - there was actually quite a bit of teal at play in this episode. teal is a colour of clarity the darkness of it here suggests that clarity is coming but not fully in place yet - that Karen is more aware, but not yet fully accepting of the new reality she lives in.

Hens black and beige jumper is a wonderful choice as well - the beige representing neutrality and its being a soothing colour is important - accompanied by the black spots it has the affect of suggesting that the initial anger is passing and giving way to a more open time - one where calmness and the ability to see things more clearly come into play. the fact that this jumper has runs and frayed edges still maintains that idea that this has damaged Hen - that she is scared from this turn of events, even if she is more open to moving forward and accepting of Denny’s desire to have a relationship with his father.

Here we have a Denny in navy blue shirt and a yellow and green palm frond pattern - I thought originally they were bird of paradise flowers when I was watching live, but they are more obvious in the stills! palm fronds are an iinteresting and perfect choice - they are a symbol of peace and triumph - exactly what Denny is experiencing here - triumph in being allowed to see and build a relationship with his father and the resulting peace in his family dynamic that will come as a result.

I know I talk a lot about yellow being a colour of communication - and that still holds - but it is also a colour of anxiety and that very much matches up wit the look on Hens face. Her patchwork camouflage trousers hint at her uncertainty about the situation - she is trying to mask her nervousness and misgivings. These trousers are the same ones she was wearing at her leaving the 118 party - a time when she was also feeling nervous and had misgivings about becoming a doctor. Karen being in a navy jumpsuit with a variety of headdresses on is, again, an interesting choice - headdresses like those depicted are ceremonial (for the most part) and are a symbol of leadership, strength and bravery - perfect for Karen in this moment (and in general).

Just a quick aside before we move onto the ret of the mains! I don’t normally focus on the side and guest characters, but the guy whose wife got a vibrator lodged inside her is wearing the shirt Buck was wearing in his coma dream and that has me both cackling and wide eyed!

The scene in Bucks coma dream where he is wearing this shirt is one of mostly confusion and uncertainty for him - loosely speaking - its when he’s really trying to understand what exactly is going on in this world his mind has built for him - one where after that initial confusion we see him essentially embrace this new reality where he has what he thinks he wants - but what actually turns out to be something else - something that he doesn’t want/need. And here in this scene we have a guy going through the sexual version of the same thing - thinking that this different version of his sex life with his wife will be better - make things better and make her happy, when the reality is that if he’d had an actual conversation with her about it things would more than likely turned out differently. So major props to the wardrobe team for this little gem of a costume reuse!

Maddie rocking the layers here in Black, grey and red - very telling for this scene. layering is generally about protection - in an attempt to deflect something that is making you uncertain or causing anxiety. This is very much what is going on with Maddie here. the red top being the one closest to her skin - the bottom layer, shows that she is happy, in love and in a good place - the red of romance and passion, but it can also be a sign of danger and I think its is a combination of these two meanings here - the danger element coming from the fact that this new neighbour has got Maddie’s spidey senses tingling. The grey hoodie is a little bit of foreshadowing for her later silver top - the grey transforms into silver and becomes reflective (more on that in a moment). Then there is the black blazer - power and mystery. the mystery element is connected to who this woman is/ actually is while the power element is connected to Maddie having the power to control her own destiny in this moment - her returning the muffin tray is about her attempting to assert some authority over the situation. it is worth mentioning that aside from the Black blazer, they have Rhonda dressed in slightly darker versions of the the same colours when she gets caught - red high neck top with a darker grey jacket than Maddie’s hoodie!

Maddie in silver and being reflective is actually kind of a jarring outfit for her -and thats rather the point. Its not a colour we see her in and she wears greys infrequently as well - she tends towards a warmer and brighter palette with the accompanying blacks, so this is out of place for her - it highlights her discomfort and actually there is something in the reflecting of that discomfort towards Athena - the one person who knows exactly what Maddie means about not feeling safe or comfortable in ones own home. The metallic top is also reminiscent of plate armour and suggests Maddie is arming her self - getting ready to protect herself iff needed. Its a top that represents her trauma response bubbling beneath the surface ready to reassert itself if needed.

Buck in yet another grey jumper! honestly I’m beginning to wonder how many more grey jumpers they can find for him to wear!! This one is a much lighter grey than we saw him wear in season 5, and its also lighter than any we’ve seen him in so far in season 6. It follows on nicely from the one we saw him in in 6x12 when he was sleeping on Eddies couch and having meaningful conversations in the kitchen late at night! but it is also tv static grey - it has that fuzzy appearance, which in Buck terms means uncertainty and confusion. This is such an interesting choice for this scene and its vitally important for it as well.

This is Buck outright parenting Chris - completely on his own with no Eddie to be seen. The only other times we’ve seen this happen are during the shooting arc and in 4x08 when Chris runs to Buck after Eddie reveals to Chris he has a girlfriend. Before you all shout at me about the tsunami it doesn’t count because Eddie actively sets up that Buck and Chris time on screen, so his influence remains a part of the scene even if he isn’t present (It is also a trauma event and that means it sits separately). The shooting arc sits separately from this new scene and the 4x08 one by virtue of it being a trauma event - like the tsunami. We also know that Buck looking after Chris like this is a common thing from the canon text, however this is one of the few times we’ve seen it on screen and the first time we see it where Eddie is not even remotely present - making it a step up from the 4x08 scene where he is present via the tail end of a phone conversation.

The grey fuzzy jacket Buck wears in the 4x08 scene is darker and the fact the cookie scene has lighter grey is telling about the level of uncertainty Buck is feeling. this scene is one fraught with potential danger for Buck - his choices could anger or alienate Eddie and erode their relationship if he gets it wrong - he could get accused of stepping in where he doesn’t belong. It could also land a critical blow to his relationship with Chris - what he says could upset him or make Chris feel like Buck isn’t supportive etc, it is a fine line Buck has to tread and he does it masterfully here - giving him the confidence going forward. WE see the results of that in the cookie kitchen scene - Buck bantering with Chris and successfully parenting him - and not being good cop! So here we have costume highlighting the development of Buck and Christophers father son relationship!

The Poker Game!!!!

This gets its own little section because there is a lot going on! to start with I’m going to link to this meta about Bucks costume and this one about Eddies costume, because they still, for the most part, ring true. getting the full scene hasn’t really altered my opinions on their costumes per-say. I’ll add a bit more to them once you get to the stills of them!

We have Chief Miranda Williams in a black sequin and slightly sheer waterfall front top with gold jewellery, and Captain Jeshan Mehta in all black with this dark plum striped tie. A very deliberate choice to have the both of them in full black (except the tie). All of the characters wear black in this scene (Julie only has black shoes so kind of doesn’t count and I’ll explain why when we get to her) Both Buck and Eddie are wearing black shirts/turtlenecks and they are the ones with the power in the game (thanks to Bucks new found math skills) while Chief W and Captain M both have seniority in the real world and therefore power of a different kind. I’d even argue that Chief W has the ultimate power because she wises up and allows the boys to have their fun and thus the power remains with her regardless! the use of a waterfall front top is just another subtle reference to the water theme. the purple tie is also a deliberate choice - purple is the combination of the two jackets Buck and Eddie are wearing - red and blue! Purple is a colour of mystery (much like the black they’re all wearing is) but it’s also a colour of enlightenment and understanding our inner most thoughts and feelings. It being worn by Mehta connects this concept to the shooting and Buck and Eddie finally coming to terms with the realities of it and what it means going forward - them acknowledging their feelings etc and what it means for them, both individually and together.

Julie Rosen in a dark teal asymmetric dress with a high front slit and silver jewellery. Ok so things to focus on with this costume are the asymmetry and the colour teal. Asymmetry represents unbalance (for obvious reasons) and there are a couple of ways to interpret that in this scene - obviously things are unbalanced because Buck has an advantage with his math skills. there is also the fact that Julie is in on the hustle (her comment about Buck being bad at math is deliberate and pointed!) which pits the 3 members of the 118 against Chief Williams and Captain Mehta so its 3v2.

Then there is the teal - a colour of clarity, objectivity, support, earnestness and of being true to oneself. the other thing about teal is that it is a combination of blue and green - a combination of Buck and Eddie’s colours! As a side character and one who is in on the hustle, her costume is supposed to give us more information about our main characters and her dress is really doing that!

So here we have a scene centred on them where we have a connected character wearing a colour that is a combination of their individual colours and one which means clarity etc, the return of Captain Mehta whose name literally means crystal clear and Chief Williams - whose first name is Miranda - which means to be wondered at - can they make it any louder that Buddie is happening if they tried???

Well yes actually they can - because I seem to be doing nearly all of the non main characters tonight, lets talk about the croupier as well! Firstly we need to note her location at the table in relation to Buck and Eddie - she sits opposite them and directly in between them. She is wearing a black shirt with a rusty orangey brown rope pattern woven across it.

I know its not red, but this is yet another example of the show making use of what it can to keep the red string of fate metaphor active. Here we have the rope/string twisted and looped, suggesting things are being tied together and because of her location and the implication is that this poker game is ting Buck and Eddie even more closely together (it really is a date even if neither of them actually realise it!!)

We’ve had so many game, cards and fate metaphors thrown at us across the series, but especially this season, now we’re getting to the business end of things. We have all of the metaphors at play in this one scene - the universe screaming at you (as represented by Mehtas presence), the idea of playing a game to win - when you can’t lose, making the most of the hand you’ve been dealt, the gaining of knowledge and it all being tied up together by the red string of fate - represented by the croupier - who is, like I said, sat in front of and between Buck and Eddie - in front of being the operative point (the future)!

Do you want me to go on with all the subtext in this scene?!!

Then we get to Buck and Eddie - Buck sticking to type and rolling up his long sleeves - taking off his jacket and dressing himself down (a nice touch to add to the mini dressing down he gets from Chief Williams!) but him removing the red jacket is symbolic of him stepping back into himself and his normal role - cracking dumb jokes, being a golden retriever and also reasserts his uncertainty about his future - his desire to become a captain - the theme that has been bubbling along all season.

I will make a more full meta post specifically about Buck and Eddies watches, but for now - we get a better still to scream over! The watch that had been more or less hidden under Bucks sleeves for the duration of the poker game, is now revealed to us once Buck has won his steaks. black leather strap and a white face. black and white - things are black and white - time is black and white - its telling us that Buck is no longer in the dark (all his watches have been fully black up to now) and also that there are no grey areas!

Also they just look epically good so why wouldn’t I add in extra pictures of them for us all to appreciate!!

Everything I said about the choice to have Eddie in a turtleneck holds true - thanks to Joaquin Sedillio telling us that they were inspired by George Clooneys look in oceans 11 - a look that was inspired by golden age Hollywood.

I do want to mention the use of texture in the poker scene and this connects into Bucks burgundy velvet jacket. the scene uses texture very deliberately, only Buck and Chief Williams are wearing anything textured - her texture is rough, while Bucks is soft and smooth (as long as you brush it the right way!) they also contrast each other in terms of look - velvet is a very flat texture - its matt and absorbs light, unlike the sequins which bounce light around and sparkle, drawing the eye and reflecting light. it is the absorbing/ reflection aspect that is the mist interesting because it lays into the idea of showy versus understated - and that is actually giving us hints of Bucks growth - before he was all about being showy - bright and bold and going through the whole fake it till you make it thing and seemingly lacking substance. Now though we see a Buck who is more considered - his brush with death has made him less flashy and more internalised. (I also love that this absorbing concept plays on the fact that he ‘absorbed’ a lightning bolt and lived to tell the tale!!). the other thing about the velvet being absorbing is that it places the focus onto Buck - this scene is all about him and he is absorbing the attention (and revealing in it!)

I’ve put the photo above where I have because of the Athena and Buck connection. Athena wearing a reverse of Bucks poker suit - burgundy top black jacket. The Burgundy has the same meaning that we get with Bucks jacket - the deep love and passion and romance - it is telling us that Bathena are very happy and very in love - that its a deep love. The black leather jacket contrasts with Buck as well - it has a more reflective surface - this scene isn’t about Athena, its about Madney.

So we have a reverse parallel going on between Buck and Athena - something we’ve seen at play many times throughout the seasons combined with Bobby wearing a very Eddie shade of green - that khaki shirt is straight out of the Eddie Diaz playbook and isn’t a shade we see Bobby in that often - he’s often dressed in similarly muted shades to Eddie, but they are never that much of an army colour like this one is. In an episode that shows us Bobby and Athena being in love and happy and finding new things out about each other without any children being a part of the narrative. the show is being pretty on the nose about asking us to draw the parallel - especially when we’ve seen Christopher seeking his own independence.

The blue and green of it all

Honestly the amount of blue and green paralleling going on in this episode was insane! I spent a long time uhming and ahhing about how to present this - to put all the green together followed by the blue, or to keep the coupes together! I’m going to keep this fairly brief as this post is already reaching epic proportions (I write in a very scattered manner so thats how its already super long!!)

Green

First thing to note is that the greens get darker as the episode goes on - we start with Eddie in his khaki olive green, only this one is a much lighter shade and tonally has a lot more yellow going on which actually helps connect him to the first dining table scene and his yellow shirt. Its also important to note that he has his blue face watch on - which I’ve started calling his Christopher watch

This henley is the same one we see him wearing when he is at the Grant Nash house talking to Athena about his Abeula and her being taken advantage of - such a choice by the wardrobe team - foreshadowing the poker game hustle as well as playing on the theme of being taken advantage of and of cards (tarot cards!) they really are going to town with very deliberate repeat costumes since 5b!

We should remember that Hen is also sporting green in this episode - a very bright emerald green as well as Denny in army green and Karen in teal green at various points - they all darken within their own separate arc as well as fitting into the wider arc of the episode (see the Wilson family section at the beginning if you want a reminder).

Chimney wearing army green is showing us that he is ready to fight for his family - for Maddie - so that she can feel safe in her home.

And Bobby rounds out the green in a bottle green tee and jacket combo which is verdant and shows that his relationship with Athena is in full bloom.

This use of green getting increasingly darker is something we’ve been seeing at play throughout the season - we’ve had it with Buck, particularly in relation to the sperm donor storyline, but also in connection with Hen as well as its abundance in the coma dream. Like I’ve said a million times green is generally symbolic of growth and what we’re getting with its use in this episode and more widely this season is a deliberate choice to make that growth even more explicit - whatever story arc its connected to - Buck adn the sperm Donor, Hen and her attempts to connect with Denny so she can be a good parent to him and be supportive, or Bobby and his relationship with Athena and how he is getting a better understanding of her and how that is growing his love for her even more.

Blue

The blue doesn’t follow the same linear trajectory as the green - the colour starts dark, lightens up and then heads dark again in the most general sense, but it also brightens as the episode progresses, .

Athena is in both light blue and dark blue here

while in the same scene Bobby is also in dark blue - they are matching and complimenting each other. Dressing them both in blue at the same time is an indicator of shared trust and loyalty.

Chimney has on a blue jumper here,

which he is wearing over this blue check shirt that we see him in later on, so again dark heading slightly lighter. Check theory was working over time with Chimney in this episode - the only time we see him without check is when he’s in green. That is interesting to me - its making me think that the check is telling us that Chimneys home life is stable and happy, but that his work life might be less so - the blue and the fact that we’ve seen him in check in connection with various members of the firefam in the last couple of episodes - Buck post coma, Hen in this episode, and now Bobby when He and Athena come over for dinner.

Bobby is wearing this dusty blue polo after Rhonda has been caught.

I should point out here that Maddie is wearing a dark khaki green tee underneath her bright blue shirt which is a clever hint at the fact that this playdate she has set up is a trap - Maddie is waging war - fighting for her home and the ability to live in it without fear. The bright cobalt blue indicates ingenuity and enlightenment - playing into the trap that has been set for Rhonda. It is also a happy shade of blue - bright and cheerful it ties into the idea of comfort and contentment and indicates Maddie being able to return to feeling happy and secure in her home.

And finally we have Athena in this cobalt blue running tee and gilet - its a brighter blue than the cobalt of Maddie’s shirt, almost royal blue - it still shares the meaning though - enlightenment and happiness. Its telling us that Athena is finding joy in discovering both her enjoyment of running and her enjoyment of haring an activity with her husband. The otehr thing to note is a contniation of Buck and Athena being paralleled - here we have her in a blue gilet when she flirts and insitgates shower sexy times shortly after we’ve seen Buck attend the sex gone wrong call - wearing a gilet - with him then checking in on his previous relationships and hook ups to see if they were satisfied sexually with him - the loudness is getting louder!

Blue is a colour that has been slowly increasing in frequency for Buck and I have a theory about it - bear with me here because we need to look at when he wears the colour - I’m not going to include them all or I’d be her all day - the ones i’ve excluded are either denim shirts/jackets or where blue is one of the colours rather than the only colour of a top!!

Season 1 - Buck and Abby go on a date - the only time we see Buck wear blue in season 1 and its his blue suit (with a white shirt) Season 2 - Buck wears blue 7 times in season 2 but the two key moments we need to look at come early on in the season 2x01 - the blue henley he’s wearing when he finds Maddie in his apartment - its the first non uniform outfit we see him post Abby leaving and comes after Eddie has been introduced (coincidentally this is the same henley we know we’re going to see Eddie wearing later in the season!). the second one comes in 2x04, when Buck talks to Maddie about Eddie struggling with paperwork to get Chris the help and support he needs (its the boy crush conversation!) Season 3 - Buck also wears blue 7 times in season 3. The 3 we need to focus on are; 3x04 Bucky talks to Chase Mackey and sues the city, 3x06 Bucks return to the 118 post lawsuit and 3x16 - Buck goes to a bar and meets Red. Season 4 - the number of blue shirts goes up dramatically to 10 (especially as its a short season) and we’re interested in 6 of them. 4x03 - games night at he Diaz house when Eddie is dismantling technology and Buck has to do some parenting. 4x05 we have 2 - Peru Buck and the blue jacket he wears when Maddie gives him the postcards he sent her over the years. 4x07 Buck tries dating Veronica. 4x12 Buck, Eddie and Taylor discuss the treasure hunt at Bucks loft (petty Eddie drinking beer scene). 4x14 Buck sleeps on Eddies couch and parents Chris after the shooting. Season 5 Buck wears blue 9 times in season 5 and we’re looking at 5 of them, 5x09 Buck washing up in the loft while Taylor is being distant (pink marigolds scene). 5x11 Buck and Taylor have dinner at the Diaz house - Buck and Eddie argue. 5x13 Maddie’s return from Boston and also Buck breaks down Eddies door and was in the room! 5x18 the blue suit he wears to HenRen’s vow renewal. Season 6, we’re just over half way through and are already up to 19 blue buck outfits!! the key ones are 6x01 - the lasagne kitchen scene. 6x02 post convention locker room talk with Hen, 6x04 Madney apartment Buck tells Maddie about the year of yes, a second one is the navy top he wears when getting drunk with Hen and then the blue striped shirt when he tells C&K he’ll be their donor. 6x07 there are 3 blue shirts when he fails to donate sperm, 6x09 when he tells the firefam that his sperm has helped C&K get pregnant. 6x11 when he comes home from the hospital post lightning strike. 6x12 while he’s trying to recover at his loft and then a second one when he has is appointment with Dr Salazar. 6x13 the superpowers scene.

Eddie also wears Blue at some key moments

Season 3 - 3x03 post tsunami ‘theres no one in the world I trust more with my son than you’ scene. 3x4 - chris wakes from a nightmare. 3x09 therapy with frank. 3x12 Chris has his skateboarding accident and Eddie shouts at Ana. Season 4 - 4x08 Eddie introduces Ana to Chris as his girlfriend. 4x14 - the will reveal. Season 5 - 5x10 Chris has a nightmare. 5x14 dream Eddie in the kitchen serving Chris breakfast. 5x17 talks to Buck about his family - while in Christophers bedroom. 5x18 the suit he wears to HenRen’s vow renewal. Season 6 - 6x08 dressing Chris for his school dance. 6x09, sleeping on the sofa. 6x13 poker night.

Why have I written all of this out you ask - well because I want to show you how all of these scenes (and the ones I’ve not included in the list also fit the theme) are water finding its level related. They are all very key moments when either Buck or Eddie are finding a new level or at turning points - not only in their relationship with each other, but also with Christopher.

All of Eddies wearing of blue connects to Christopher, until the one from this episode - the first time we see Eddie wearing blue while doing something not related to Christopher. I included the dream sequence Eddie in the list because he literally starts coughing up water.

As for Buck - again most of the scenes (even the ones with Maddie) are connected to Eddie and Chris in some way, even if indirectly (lawsuit I’m looking at you) There are a few exceptions - such as Maddies return from Boston, the vow renewal suit, Buck washing up or the sperm donor ones and obviously the one from season 1! I included the Abby date one because Buck chokes on water in that scene and the Taylor washing up scene - Buck literally has his hands in water. The vow renewal is Buck breaking freed of his bad relationship. As for the sperm donor arc, while not directly connected to Eddie or Chris, the parenting connection is a key one - after all much of Bucks journey to finding his level is connected to the idea of parenthood and dad not donor v donor not dad.

As for the lighter blue specifically - which is a post Taylor exclusive colour for Buck and ties into the theme of deepening ones understanding of self and the growth that comes from that - the idea of choosing to be happy. Buck choosing to break free of his depressing relationship was him choosing himself, choosing to be happy. The post Lev dying conversation Buck has with hen in the locker room is about Bucks search for happiness - about him wanting to be happy for himself. The phone call where he reveals that C&K are pregnant - that is him being happy for his friends, but also him feeling the glow of happiness from being able to help them achieve that pregnancy. The blue top we had him wearing in MacArthur park in last weeks episode is showing him choosing to move on from his brush with death - accepting it for what it is and choosing to be happy (whether that s just happy to be alive - something he was clearly grappling with, or a more generalised happiness remains to be seen) that is why we see him looking contemplative - he is choosing to put that life changing event away and accept it for what it is and the chance it has given him to be happy going forward. This theming holds true for other characters too - Athena in light blue is about her happiness - getting her parents sorted in the aftermath of her fathers stroke is making her happy.

So this new light blue top we have Buck wearing (which is the most reminiscent of the one Lev is wearing) is very much about him being happy - we see the joy he feels at being good at something, the happiness he gets from being with his Diaz boys and sharing in happy banter with them and basking in the glow of being part of a family.

Christopher

I’ve saved Christopher for last this week because he also plays into the Blue and green theming - in fact he straddles across the two colours and that makes him interesting.

Firstly we have this seafoam green tee with a pineapple on the pocket. Not only do we have a pineapple though - no we have a pineapple with a sunset scene in the fruit section. Yes you read that right - it is an actual sunset!!! So here we have a physical embodiment of the sunset theme that has been in play since season 4 - a theme that Christopher has always been connected to indirectly - construction on sunset or Bucks heart drawing with sunset colouring and misunderstanding the assignment - both times when Buck has been babysitting and both in some way connected to Christophers homework - Ana teaching Eddie Math in connection to the first one - making the whole Ana being construction on the way to Buck metaphor even more obvious, especially now in light of this new homework scene with a sunset incorporated in it!

The pineapple itself is also interesting - there are a couple of meaning we can attach to its use here. Historically, pineapples were status symbols - they were a show of wealth due to the difficulty in growing them. those who could afford them would display them prominently at dinner parties and the like to show their wealth. Here Christopher is the wealth - he is the thing both Buck and Eddie place most highly. and the scene we see this top in proves that - Christopher being an active part of their conversation about Bucks newfound superpowers - his opinions and comments are a valuable pat of the conversation to both Eddie and Buck. Christophers inclusion, comfort and confidence in this dynamic is being highlighted here - showing the difference to how he was treated in the dynamic between Eddie Chris and Ana.

The modern pineapple meaning is as an emoji - where it is an indicator of relationship status - meaning ‘its complicated’ Need I say more!!!!

Then we have the blue tee from the kitchen cookie scene. A tee with little surfing skeletons on! I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it again. This show is just so so good at using the kids costumes to tell us things. first up the blue - Bucks colour and its important that Chris is wearing it in this scene where he is alone with Buck. I talked about the buck in grey in both the two scenes where he is parenting with out Eddie, well the same rings true for Chris here - he is in blue for both of the scenes (a pale blue long sleeve tee with the dinosaur wearing sunglasses which show space ships in their reflection). then there is the fact that we have surfboards reappearing on Christophers clothing - the surfing thing has always been connected to Buck in some way - both overtly and covertly. Chris was wearing a shirt with surfers on at Bucks recertification party and the last time he wore something surf related (for definite) was in 4x13 - when Carla returned to the Diaz’s and told Eddie to make sure he was following his heart and not Christophers. The other thing to note is that both of those incidents proceeded a major event - the Tsunami and the shooting. this one has skeletons on and thats making me both nervous and excited. We’ve been saying all season that Chris is due some sort of trauma or incident and I’m now very much expecting it to happen in the next two episodes and for it to be something that pushes Buddie even closer together. those Skeletons are (to me at least) suggesting that the current set up of Bucks relationship with Christopher is about to change - that it will become the old version - a dead version and that post event they will have a new and different form of relationship (as in the father-son thing will become more concrete in the same way that Buck and Bobbys has this season) because all of the surfing theming has been used at moments that have really pushed Buck and Christophers dynamic forward and increased the parent-child bond!

The thing with these to colours is that this season especially, we’ve seen Chris wearing shirts that contain both colours a couple of times - both in and out of dream sequences and both connected to parenting.

We have Chris breaking his punishment and Eddie being an amazing dad. This one is especially close in terms of colours to the two shades from this episode and now I have more context for it, the smashing and merging of the two colours would appear to be foreshadowing the merging of Buck and Eddie as coparents.

And coma Chris - who Buck has to chose to ignore/ leave behind. leaving him feeling guilty, but actually showing that he is a good parent to Chris because he recognises that he can only get back to the real one if he abandons this Chris (a chris who is a representation of Bucks own childhood abandonment issues - and therefore it is showing us Buck breaking the cycle)

In summation - the use of costume and colour was so much more out there in terms of helping with the storytelling and ensuring the Buck and Eddie as a couple message was made loud and clear - more than we’ve ever seen before - its been slowly ramping up and now they’ve taken the breaks off!!

Thank you as always for reading - it really does mean the world to me that you're interested in the costuming of our wee woo show!! I’ll shut up now and let you have your lives back. If you’ve made it through the whole thing then you are my MVP and you get this trophy! 🏆 I’m off to rock in the corner now I’ve finished this epic.

I would tag below but it won’t let me (maybe i wrote too many words 😂 so I’ll be reblogging with the tag list!

Until the next episode! 💜💜💜

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