#with the executive dysfunction less in the way it turns out i’m actually an insane workaholic

[dykeyuu]

i’m going to bed now and getting up at 5:30 to keep working this is so me in high school core

UGH meds wore off but i have to keep doing work bc i have a super long presentation tmrw and im not prepared enough💔💔💔

[initiumseries]

CAOS Part 3 - review

Uh, okay, so I think by now, we all know this show is terrible. Netflix gives showrunners a lot of creative freedom, and I think, for better writers, you could get some really interesting content, but they just seem to keep giving these assholes who wrote the travesty called Riverdale, so many opportunities to make more shitty television, and I feel like they really deserve to be limited in their ability to create/write if not stopped completely and thrown into a well with Julie Plec.  Anyway, I’ll try to break this down as best as I can into different piles of shit and this will contain spoilers:

Characters

Prudence and Ambrose

So, to be really honest, I watch this show exclusively for Prudence and Ambrose. Because, well, look at them: 

I wish they had more chemistry because they are super hot together, and I still ship it. A young Black couple? On TV? In this sea of shitty interracial relationships? I’ll take it. Anyway, of course, the progression of their relationship is ridiculous and frustrating. Ambrose decides at the last minute, not to kill Father Blackwood because he has a weird time egg thing that they don’t really understand, also he has the twins under some weird mind control for no clear reason, so they stay their hands. It doesn’t make sense, but it becomes clear, Father Blackwood has an insane amount of plot armour and ultimately would have to serve as a vessel for Satan. Father Blackwood uses the manipulated mind of the other weird sister to sic her on the coven, and she ends up killing Dorkus, whom Prudence finds. She then blames Ambrose for not allowing her to kill FB, and they break up. Now...this would kinda make sense, if not for the fact that they trapped one of the pagan witches and forced her to change everyone back, but no one bothered to do anything about the mentally ill witch who you all strapped up for a reason? Lol ok. Seems like an oversight on your part Prudence, but...okay. Clearly manufactured breakups are exhausting, especially since [young] Black couples with no serious relationship dysfunction are now an endangered species. It’s also frustrating because we barely got to see them....*be* together, especially after they returned home. 

Nick & Sabrina

So, I know from the beginning, we were supposed to believe that Nick and Sabrina had that kind of, Bad Guy, seduces the girl Good Girl, luring her into the dark side, hot, intense, passionate relationship. But their lack of chemistry and really shitty acting just made them really dry (which I get into here). I don’t believe them, and I definitely don’t believe that Sabrina would, once again, break a shit ton of rules to get Nick back. I just don’t buy that they had that kind of an intense, desperately in love, kind relationship, because they do not look all that comfortable around each other, much less in love. 

I personally find Sabrina utterly unlikeable as a main character, largely because who IS she? She has no personality, she just does whatever the plot needs her to do in the moment, and the actress makes Sabrina appear smug and unremorseful while she fucks up everyone’s lives. There is a lot of exposition of everyone telling us she’s this power hungry, manipulative character, but we never see that. She just does stuff and everyone is all “Sabrina how could you?!” and there are never, ever any consequences. I would have liked to see her push so hard to get Nick back and the struggle being, sure she wants him back, but mostly she’s doing it because she can. But that’s not what happens. 

So Nick ends up in this weird drug addiction, alcohol, sex demon spiral because he has parts of Satan still in him and it all just falls so flat and lame, because this show is SO bad at pacing, and these actors suck, so nothing is believable. The idea of him scrubbing his club foot, having nightmares, suffering PTSD, is fine, the execution was trash. Nick sees Caliban and Sabrina have one interaction and he’s like WELL, GUESS I GOTTA CHEAT. And just ends up in some S&M situation with sex demons and heavily self medicating, but none of this has any weight, and we don’t really see him...spiralling. He just immediately resorts to these things and it has no real impact on anyone or even him really, and that’s it. 

Harvey and Roz

Uh, they’re probably the most confusing match here, because there is no lead up to their relationship, there’s not suggestion, there’s no pacing. Just BOOM, we’re into each other now. BOOM, Roz is the only sexually active person in her friend group (lol of course the Black girl is sexually active. Gotta maintain white innocence at all costs), so she’s just ready to jump Harvey’s bones any second now. So of course, the show punishes her by having the pagans turn her to stone. And as if that’s not bad enough...

Which I talk about here and here, because honestly I’m just sick of this show’s antiblackness.  Theo & that other guy

So I was watching this unfold like, yeeaahh, they’re gonna make the trans guy get with the enemy aren’t they? And yes, they did. Cool, they didn’t kill him off, but I’m still perplexed at how Theo isn’t even a little upset that this guy was basically sent to infiltrate his friend group and sat by while his people harmed Theo’s friends, and also...used him? Like...we just...are gonna...gloss over that because he changed his mind? Lol ok. Sure.

Mambo Marie and suddenly Zelda?

I...I mean her name is Mambo Marie. I love the idea of Black witches finding Black spirituality and magicks through Vodun and a Hatian Priestess. But they quickly undo that, by ensuring that Mambo Marie only teaches Prudence in the presence of these white witches. And we see her...doing...an African drum circle (eye roll), only to be interrupted by the High Priestess of White Feminism, Zelda Spellman. It quickly devolves into thinly veiled racism where Zelda doesn’t trust Marie because she’s Catholic (says the woman who worships Satan, has an anti Pope and prays to Lilith with the same prayer for Mary mother of Jesus? LOL. Not even unpacking the fact that Vodun is an African spirituality having 0 roots in catholicism WHITE WRITERS). Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Marie and Zelda are a thing for no reason? After the way Zelda treated her? Why did Marie even stay? This isn’t her problem. This is a white witch problem. Okay. That’s too much to unpack. 

Plot

So, my biggest problem with almost all Netflix English programming is that they are so obsessed with aesthetics, and don’t pay enough attention to actual character chemistry, plot, story flow, details, pacing etc. Like...things that actually make stories interesting to watch. So they slap all these people together and throw them into aesthetically pleasing backgrounds, shake it up with so much exposition that nothing actually happens, and are like BEHOLD A STORY. And CAOS is *especially* guilty for this.

First of all those musical breaks were annoying as fuck. Musicals serve 2 story functions: advancing the plot or telling a story. These musical numbers did neither and were honestly ridiculously gratuitous, highly annoying and totally pointless.

What time of year is this? Why are we having pep rallies and how the fuck and when did Sabrina and Roz join the cheeleading squad, and why?

for the aesthetics and not for any real plot reason. It just seems stupid because now I don’t know how much time has passed between Nick going to hell and this, because you’re all handling it like it’s been a few weeks and is still relatively fresh, but suddenly, Theo, Harvey and Roz are in a garage band? You’re a cheerleader? For what? Since when? Why? These choices introduce more questions than they answer and serve no narrative purpose. So much wasted time on shit that doesn’t matter. 

Sabrina is supposed to be fighting Caliban (who is literally the only person she has chemistry with on this show and they killed him bc ofc they did), for her seat on the throne, and yet the trials only seem to come up when it’s convenient, and also seem to be directly related to her dealings with her coven, which is also convenient.  I’m so confused about Satan. His powers come from being a celestial being, and so, because his coven mistreats him he’s like...lol okay, well fuck you guys and goes through all these convoluted small motions to greatly inconvenience them and withdraws his powers? This is so petty and pathetic. Also, what’s the point? He could just wipe them out and start over, instead of skulking around inside FB then suddenly decides to track down Lilith. Again, convoluted. This plot is all over the place. Why does Satan need Sabrina to be Queen of Hell in the first place? He seems perfectly healthy. Why can’t he just rule it? Like...that makes no sense. What is he gonna do? Retire? WHAT is going ON?

How did Sabrina come back in time to herself stuck in stone? Is that trip to Pontius Pilate (lol) supposed to have created a loophole for her to save herself and everyone? This is giving me hardcore Twilight Breaking Dawn vibes, where, the show finally, FINALLY gets interesting, there’s real stakes, shit is actually happening instead of everyone talking about things happening (Hilda ending up killing her fiance was literally the only time I felt something watching this show because it was genuinely sad, and well acted, and Hilda coming through with that doll at the end was pretty disturbing, I’ll give them that), and ofc, Sabrina goes back in time and undoes it all. Lol. Okay. God forbid there be real consequences to anything on this show.

Final thoughts

Once again, the white feminism runs high on this show. They treat this Black Vodun Priestess Marie, like garbage, allude to her “foreign” magic, but Marie is sitting here like “we’re not men, we’re women, let’s work together.” This is why I hate white writers writing for Black characters. Black characters should have Black motivations, and a Black Vodun Priestess, should know that white women and Black women do not have aligned motivations just because they share a gender. Once they started with the bullshit right from her arrival, she should have handed Prudence her card and peaced tf out. Instead she tolerates the isolation, ostracization and thinly veiled racism...and decides to stay, and help. WHY? Marie has gained nothing by sticking around helping these ungrateful ass witches. I honestly would have preferred Prudence asking her to stay to learn more about Vodun, and them building a mentor/mentee type of relationship, especially since Prudence was the one who invited her and stepped to Zelda to defend her. I want(ed) to see that relationship go somewhere. The deliberate denial of healthy Black female friendships on tv is frustrating.

 These witches finally finding their power in their ancestors and I donno, some female creator or whatever, reminds me of white women “finding” wicca and praying to “Gaia”, (reminds me of BTVS s4 when Willow joins the wicca group) which is basically what happened but lol okay whatever. I guess they aren’t satanic witches anymore. Lol, I love how Harvey and Roz and Theo are teenagers, human teenagers, who have lead largely normal teenage lives up until this point, but see their loved ones tortured, deformed or murdered in hell, with basically no residual issues, and are all like, YES, let’s roll up on these adults with shotguns and swords and kill the FUCK outta these people!! That absolutely sounds normal! Like...what? Lol. God this is just so bad.

Also, I’m so confused by this aesthetic choice for Sabrina as Queen of Hell. Like what the fuck. Why is she dressed like a Victorian era queen, with shoulder and a broken rib bodice? What?!

This show is truly awful, this season made no more sense than the last two and now that Prudence and Ambrose aren’t together, I might be done watching. 

-20/10

[wahbegan]

Okay Non-Spoiler Review

So I am gonna put this under a cut because it might get a bit long but yeah i’ll keep it spoiler-free and if you’ve been following my liveblogging of it i am gonna just re-iterate bits of old text posts during this so ye

So The Haunting of Hill House was fucking amazing. Let’s get this out of the way first though: If you come in looking for an adaptation of Shirley Jackson’s novel or the ‘63 film, you’re going to be disappointed. Or the ‘99 film, but if you want an adaptation of that, you’re a monster and may God have mercy on your soul.

Characters share names, very famous scenes are referenced, the opening line of the book is quoted almost verbatim and re-visited at the end with a twist like the film (although not the same twist but i shan’t spoil), and it involves psychic characters in a haunted house. That’s about it, though.

This story focuses on the Crain family, who were the spooky background story family in the OG, and completely changes their mythos as well. So the characters are all related, they live there as kids and don’t actually go back as adults until just about the end, and it’s dealing with their grief and trauma and dysfunction that drives them, not any kind of experiment in the supernatural.

No, what this show has much more in common with is Oculus. I know I’ve said this repeatedly but I can’t stress it enough. The Haunting of Hill House literally has more in common with Oculus than it does with the novel it takes inspiration from. Similar cinematography, similar style ghosts, same flipping between past and present, similar eldritch abomination disguised as inanimate thing villain fucking with perceptions of time and reality...The Haunting of Hill House really is more a re-imagining of Oculus than a re-imagining of The Haunting of Hill House.

Now that’s all just to address people’s expectations, though. Once again, if I had expected a re-imagining of Oculus, I wouldn’t have said no, because Oculus was the big dog’s biscuit. For those not in the know, it’s about a brother and sister whose parents went crazy when they were kids, their dad killed their mom, and then the little brother had to kill the dad in self-defense. He’s spent years in a mental hospital and chalked everything up to mental illness and an evil father, while his older sister is convinced the mirror they had just purchased was evil and drove their parents to do what they did. Zombie ghosts with glowing white eyes and mind-fuckery ensue. If you’re reading this after starting or even finishing THOHH, you may perhaps notice that sounds awfully familiar. 

Oculus was actually an expansion of/improvement on a short film Mike Flanagan made, which you can find on youtube. I’d argue THOHH is an analogous expansion of/improvement on Oculus.

The thing with Oculus is it had problems. Because of the power of the mirror, basically from the moment they enter their old house until the end of the movie, the thing’s illusions are so strong that there is no way of knowing what’s really happening. Audiences complained that it’s hard to get invested in a plot when you’re not sure how much of the plot is actually happening or when it’s happening, in the past or present. Flashbacks and the present narrative blended together in very artistic and jarring ways, but some people found it too jarring, hard to keep track of, nonsensical. Additionally, things were a bit rushed, and there wasn’t enough room for Flanagan to really let some of his more complex concepts for the plot and the scares breathe. 

Thankfully, in THOHH, Flanagan seems to have really actually taken those critiques to heart. There are characters largely unaffected by what’s going on, and the sequence of events never truly gets cluster-fucked. It’s a much more coherent narrative. In Oculus, a big complaint was things were too muddled to tell if the rug was actually being pulled out from under you and where the rug was to begin with and whether there was a rug in the first place. There is no fucking question in Hill House. 

Additionally, the 10-episode set-up means that he can go absolutely wild with everything he wants to do, and it fucking shows.

In Oculus, one of the most disturbing scares was a brief flicker on the TV. A split instant that showed the adult sister, mouth open and dripping blood, dead and vacant stare in her eyes, for less than a second. On the TV the younger brother was watching as a child in the past. It was truly unnerving. Something similar happens when they pass the cameras at one point that they’re using to record the mirror, just showing creepy pictures of her face. But those are the only two really good easter egg background scares that could fit in that movie. There was much more right up in your face.

Not so in Hill House. Hidden ghosts and unsettling details are EVERYWHERE. Not even just the now-famous easter egg ghosts. There are also obvious ghosts in the background that seem like jump scares waiting to happen....that don’t. There are small details that change, people walking past in the background of a hallway silently, statues that turn their heads to face a character without anyone noticing it in-show. The tension is masterfully built. There are scenes that you don’t even fucking realize are scary until you see something later that completely re-contextualizes it.

It also expands on the driving concept behind Oculus, family trauma and the repeating cycle of mental illness, which wasn’t as well explored there as Flanagan clearly wanted to. But here? In all its 10 episode glory, with each child’s trauma and resulting psychological issues getting full spotlight for an hour? 

It hits you hard. Flanagan’s concepts are fully realized. You get to intimately see what their childhoods have done to these characters, how history repeats itself (sometimes literally), how the ghosts-if you’ll pardon the pun-of the past drag the living of the present down. Not only that, he expands the themes he worked with in Oculus to include some downright Pet Sematary-style shit about loss, grief, and what meaning can be gleaned from death. It’s oppressively heavy, and the scares and the sadness interweave in beautiful ways. The end of one episode, which sees a maimed, anguished, silently screaming ghost standing by her own corpse, completely invisible to the assembled mourners, is both an absolutely haunting visual and an existential punch to the gut. A lot of the show is like that.

Of course this wouldn’t work if you weren’t invested in the people, but they managed to hit another home run on the characterization front. Every single character of any importance in this show is sympathetic to some degree, and even if you don’t like them, you understand why they are the way that they are. The actors are mainly relative unknowns, but i’ll be god damned if they don’t breathe life into these people. There’s also Carla Gugino who....you know. Is Carla fucking Gugino.

You can tell love and care has been put into this show. Small details almost always become important, I’m sure if I went back through with a fine-toothed comb for a second viewing, I would find a downright Edgar Wright level of foreshadowing in the earlier episodes. 

There were some questions I think I still have, maybe they’d be cleared up with a second viewing, and I do want to watch this show again. I had some issues with the ending which I won’t get into here, and the show absolutely isn’t above a jump scare or six. They’re never cheap though, either coming at the end of a truly tense scene or so insanely unconventional and out-of-left-field (Anyone who’s seen Episode 8 knows what i’m talking about) that it’s noteworthy in and of itself.

Overall, it plays out like a very intense and emotionally effective family drama about trauma, grief, sickness, death, dysfunction, and love with heavy horror elements. You’ll go half an episode without any horror sometimes, making it all the more jarring when it does rear its zombified, dead-white eyed head again. This isn’t to say that the tone isn’t cohesive, like i said before, it absolutely makes it mesh together. 

And yes, I did say love up there. I want to pause for a moment to tell you that all hope is not lost in this show. There are genuine moments of humor, heartwarming, and love. Yes, most of them are at best bittersweet and at worst setting you up for a cold, black sucker-punch to the heart, but it’s not all darkness and fear and death. This show has heart.

I honestly can’t say enough good things about The Haunting of Hill House. The family dynamic was realistic as hell, the characters were complex, the scares and tension were masterfully executed, the themes were intelligent, the cinematography beautiful, I cannot recommend this show enough to anyone with even a passing interest in horror.

[themattress]

Assorted Future Diary Opinions

Because I recently watched that series in full.

The premise of this series was interesting, but I think the execution needed work, since there’s too much that doesn’t add up (mostly centered around the character of Deus Ex Machina - I like the guy, but what exactly was his deal? How/why is a god even dying?)

As I’m sure anyone can tell you, Yuno is the star of the show. She alone makes it worth the watch. While she well deserves her reputation as the Queen (or Goddess) of Yandere, she’s also one of the most nuanced examples of that trope. Her whole life revolving around her obsession with Yuki is actually a result of there being so much more to her than just said obsession with Yuki, hidden depths that make her disturbing, repulsive, sympathetic, and lovable all in turns, but on the whole it makes her human. She’s not a true monster, just a broken girl in need of help. Also, she’s a complete badass. You just gotta love her for that.

Like Shinji Ikari, Yuki gets a lot of hate for not being the decisive, assertive, more masculine male protagonist viewers expect him to be. But honestly? Just like with Shinji, I don’t get it. I like him just fine! He’s no Yuno, but she and the show would be worse off without him. He’s sympathetic and likable enough (up until he fully embraces the killing aspect of the game, although even then it’s understandable), and by the end he does become more decisive and assertive in a single conviction: save Yuno from herself (in more ways than one).  The only thing I don’t care for is his sad backstory: his parents divorced.  Really?  That’s it? Weak!

I have a big love/hate relationship with Uryuu Minene, and there are three reasons for that. The first reason is that her character is very inconsistent - it’s one thing to have chronic backstabbing disorder, and quite another to have your personality make wild shifts without explanation, particularly after her first appearance where she was shown as more or less pure evil and psychotic, then all of a sudden she’s mellowed out and admirable. Her “why do birds fly south?” explanation is NOT sufficient.  The second reason is toward the end the narrative starts pushing her as a hero, without any acknowledgement or remorse from her about her heinous crimes.  And the third reason is the nature of those heinous crimes and the motivation behind them - she’s a terrorist, born from a harsh life in the Middle East, who has religious hang-ups and kills people, even children, as a result of them. So basically, she’s Atheist ISIS. That hits way too close to home for me to ever not be somewhat disturbed by her character, no matter how much erratic character development she receives. With that said, she is cool and sexy, with great hammy voice acting in both Japanese and English.

I freaking LOVE Mur Mur. She’s adorable and hilarious, and the twist that she’s essentially the Big Bad was the best one in the story, outdoing the twists regarding Aru and Yuno’s origins in effectiveness. And her end-of-episode omakes were all highlights of the show.

The other Diary Holders I really enjoyed were 5th, 7th, 10th and 11th. 5th, the insane child prodigy, was both awesome and creepy as hell, and I loved how he and Yuno were so evenly matched in their battle. 7th, the battle couple, was just all-around likable and touching and made the perfect foil for Yuno and Yuki, even though that backstory was really unnecessary and stupid. 10th, the dog breeder, not only had an awesome English dub voice, but I also found it interesting how misanthropic he was to the point of manipulating his own estranged daughter, yet deep down was full of regret for this and cared for her enough to be honest with her and give her some words of comfort and parental advice just before he was killed. And 11th was a pretty cool villain with an interesting style in how untouchable he made himself.

I didn’t care as much for 3rd, 4th, 6th, 8th, and 12th. 3rd, the serial killer, was an undeveloped plot device to get the story started. 4th, the crooked cop, had too big a character shift that came out of left field, and the whole confrontation with him was underwhelming. 8th was just uninteresting to me, and the entire scenario featuring 6th and 12th was so completely bizarre and extremely uncomfortable that it negatively affected my perceptions of the characters.

I have just five characters who I flat-out HATE: Yuki’s father, whose redemption was incredibly half-assed and not believable, Yuno’s mother, who I really don’t think should be allowed custody of her daughter no matter what psychological help she might be getting at the end, the cultist bastard from 6th’s backstory, the over-the-top evil high school bitch from 7th’s backstory, and Masumi Nishijima, a character who was just so stupid, hypocritical, useless and all-around nonsensical that I don’t quite get the point. Minene, you can do better!

I actually quite like Ouji Kousaka, Mao Nonosaka and especially Hinata Hino. I know that many fans don’t and just consider them unwanted burdens, but I think they were all endearing and added some much-needed normalcy to the story...well, relatively speaking.

I only like Aru Akise in the English dub, since Todd Haberkorn’s voice really added a likability to him. In the manga, his actions toward the end really soured me on him, as they made him look worse than both Yuno and Yuki in that moment. While this was cut out in the anime, the Japanese version cast Akira Ishida in the role, which means he’s literally just Kaworu Nagisa (as if Yuki wasn’t similar to Shinji enough!) and I thus can’t appreciate him as an individual. 

The last four episodes were the best in the series. With all the other Diary Holders and side characters out of the way, everything now centered solely around the heart of the story: Yuno and Yuki, and their twisted and dysfunctional yet also strangely touching and uplifting love for each other. And I will admit it: this scene with this music made me cry. It was beautifully done.

The anime definitely handled the ending better than the manga. In the manga, the last three-or-so pages suddenly have Yuno smash through space-time with a hammer, no explanation given, and a rushed happy ending is given to the story. It just...doesn’t feel right to me. Whereas in the anime, it ends on the appropriately melancholy note of Yuki ruling an empty void, alone and forever mourning Yuno, then having a post-credits shot of his phone suddenly changing to say that “Yuno came to see me”, a light shining overhead and Yuno’s voice saying “Yuki!” being heard. That mysterious, ambiguous shot is the perfect one to leave it on, and if you want the full ending, you watch Redial, which actually provides the full context behind the “Yuno smashes through space-time with a hammer” ending before reaching it.

And lastly: Yunoteru forever! (Credit to @yunoteru4ever for that line. XD)

[missingverse]

Missing Chapter Twenty Five

This is a note to say that updates may be a touch sporadic from this month onwards, I'm in the process of moving and this is a busy time of year for me even without the added stress of getting two houses ready for new inhabitants. I will try to update on a weekly basis at the very least.

Note: Here is my by-now obligatory request to check out my book on Amazon: The Hothouse Princesses by S.A. Hemstock. If you haven't got it by now you may consider getting it so I shut up about it. There was some formatting issues I wasn't aware of but have now fixed.

…..

When Olga was given the opportunity to sign away her parental rights, she did it with a speed that Arnold found profoundly hurtful, even though he wasn't on the receiving end. Helga seemed to shrug it off, but it was hard to know what she was thinking most of the time. She was attending mandatory counseling sessions at the hospital but she had told both Arnold and Phoebe that the therapist was insincere and pretty useless.

She was now officially a ward of the state, and Ambrose was applying to adopt her, but because she wasn't well enough to leave the hospital yet it looked like she wouldn't have to spend any time in foster care.

��Most foster families don't like taking special needs kids,” Phoebe finished her long-winded explanation over lunch. “Unless they're a family that only takes special needs kids, and there's only a few of those and they live mostly in Wisconsin and Nebraska...”

“Helga's not really special needs though,” Arnold interjected. “She has a temporary condition, she's going to get better.”

Phoebe sighed, and put down the forkful of salad she'd been ignoring to talk about the adoption process.

“She had a really severe brain injury, Arnold,” she explained, as if to a small child. “And she's only been conscious for a short time compared to how long she was out of it. There's no real way of telling what it's going to be like for her in the future. Getting better is the best case scenario, and it's a real long shot.”

“She doesn't seem that bad,” Arnold countered, although now he was a little worried. It hadn't really occurred to him that Helga's recovery would backslide.

“Her cognitive functions are good, and her motor skills are mostly good too,” Phoebe said. “But she hasn't really had to do anything outside the hospital besides identifying Curtis Waring, so she could struggle with stuff you or I find easy. You ever hear of executive dysfunction?”

“Kind of, like online I think?”

“It's what happens when an injured brain can't work through a task properly. Reacting to things differently than expected, or not being able to focus. Erratic behavior.”

Arnold thought of his grandmother. She'd been like that for years, and they had always put it down to dementia. Had she maybe had some head trauma they didn't know about?

“How do you know all this, anyway?” Arnold asked her. “They're hardly letting you read her medical files?”

“Officer Plaskett told me,” she answered. “He thought it would be helpful for us to know since we spend so much time with her.”

“He hasn't told me anything...”

“That's because you don't call him. You call him, he'll tell you anything you want to know,” Phoebe said, and finally shoved the forkful of salad into her mouth.

“How much do you call him, to know all this stuff?”

“Not that much anymore,” she admitted. “But back when she was first found I called him at least once a day.”

“Why?”

“I don't know,” she shrugged. “I don't get to visit her that often. It made me feel better. And he's never acted like it annoyed him or anything, so I kept doing it.”

“That's pretty nice of him,” Arnold said.

“Well, he's real invested in the case,” Phoebe told him. “He needs Helga to be in good shape for Waring's trial, she's his only living victim. So it suits him to keep you and me informed in case anything happens.”

“Didn't you just say Helga had that executive-disjunction? How are they going to get her to testify in court if she's that bad?”

“She's not that bad,” Phoebe said, leaning back and folding her arms. “Right now. That could change. So we need to be careful. No stress, especially after that Olga debacle. We keep her as happy as we can.”

…..

The nurse sent Arnold to the physiotherapy hall when he arrived for his visit, but when he got there he was sorely tempted to run to the safety of the cafeteria and wait there until the coast was clear.

It was really irritating how good Patrick looked when he wasn't even trying.

He was standing just behind Helga on the support bars, gently encouraging her to make it to the end where her wheelchair was waiting. Arnold couldn't hear what he was saying to her, but he did just about make out the words 'baseball' 'practice' and 'season.'

More baseball bonding memories. Great.

It was silly to be so jealous that a good-looking guy was paying attention to someone Arnold wasn't even dating, but he knew that baseball had been a very important bright spot in the otherwise hard childhood Helga had been dragged through. Patrick came with his own special set of memories while all Arnold had was a story about a ghost that may not have even happened.

Helga made it to the end of the bars and Patrick helped her lower herself into the chair. She was looking better now, she'd put on a little weight and could walk short distances with the aid of a walker. Or maybe she was glowing because of the attention Patrick was showering on her.

“Arnold!”

Her calling him jolted him out of his simmering, and he realized he'd been standing in the doorway sulking for who knows how long.

“Hey,” he said, feeling the blush rise on his neck as he made his way to her. “You're doing good, getting back on your feet?”

“Yeah, I'm just about ready for the Boston marathon,” she quipped. Patrick laughed as though it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

Her wit is still there, the brain injury didn't do anything to it. Phoebe's worried about nothing.

“Paralympics are coming up,” Patrick said, pushing her chair towards the door. “Keep it up, you could win the gold.”

“I think you're overestimating,” she responded. “I don't even push the chair most of the time.”

“But when you do, you're pretty damn fast,” Patrick shot back.

Helga rolled her eyes and slumped a little in her chair. By the time they got back to her room she was half-asleep.

“I need to shower,” she mumbled as Patrick lifted her into the bed.

“Call the nurse when you wake up,” Patrick said. “Me and Arnold can wait in the cafeteria.”

Great. Now Arnold was stuck hanging out with the guy. Still, he said nothing as they walked out of Helga's room to the cafeteria, nothing as he bought that strangely gritty coffee he was now very familiar with, nothing until Patrick came to the table with his own gritty coffee and he supposed he should try to make some sort of conversation.

“So, uh, she seems to be...”

“Level with me, Arnold,” Patrick cut across him, sounding a lot less pleasant away from Helga. “When you came to see me that time....did you know she was alive?”

“What? No, I had no idea...” Arnold spluttered, caught off guard.

“Right,” Patrick scoffed. “You turn up at my place of work to gouge me about a girl that's been missing for five years and two months later she's found alive in some backwoods hospital?”

“I know, it looks weird,” Arnold agreed.

“Weird is an understatement.”

“Honestly, I didn't know. I was working under the assumption she was dead, and I was looking for who killed her. Her being alive was a very lucky coincidence.”

“So you want me to believe you found evidence that trained police missed by some fluke?” Patrick said. His voice was quiet but full of carefully controlled anger.

“If I told you, you wouldn't believe me,” Arnold sighed, gripping his coffee cup so hard it burned his hands.

“Try me. Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like you knew something about where she was the whole time. I'd like to think differently.”

“Fine,” Arnold said, taking a deep breath. “Helga's ghost appeared in my house.”

Patrick didn't start laughing, nor did he angrily demand that Arnold quit bullshitting. A raised eyebrow was the only reaction he gave.

“It seemed like she needed help to move on, so I said I'd try to help her. I already had some theories, I've been following the case online since I was twelve, and she helped me put the pieces together. She lead me to you, to that hideout she used to go to, even to the place Waring kept her captive and shot her.”

Arnold took a large gulp of his coffee before he continued.

“Then once the police got involved and found out her body wasn't there, and her ghost hadn't moved on, she lead me to Warleybridge. The ghost finally did move on once I found her here and she woke up.”

He had a vague sense that telling his truth in such a matter-of-fact way was going to get him chewed out by Patrick at best, beaten up at worst. He stared into his coffee, waiting for the inevitable.

“Huh.”

The little noise was as much as he got. He looked up, astonished.

“Who else knows about this?” Patrick asked. He didn't look angry anymore.

“Um, Phoebe does. She was there for most of it. I mean, she only saw Helga's ghost once and the rest of the time only I could see her but...”

He trailed off. It sounded completely insane when spoken aloud.

“And if I go grilling Phoebe, she'll tell me the same thing?”

“Y-yeah, she would...”

“Right. Interesting.”

“Wait....so, you actually believe me?”

Patrick shrugged and smiled that movie-star smile Arnold had come to know (and loathe.)

“It sounds so out there that the only reason you'd tell me such a pack of nonsense is if it was true,” he mused. “Stranger things have happened.”

Arnold couldn't believe it. The first time he'd talked about the ghost with someone who wasn't Phoebe and they took it seriously.

“Have you told Helga about any of this?” Patrick asked.

“No,” Arnold snorted, still incredulous. “She'd think I was crazy...and I don't want to stress her out.”

“So she doesn't remember being a ghost?”

“I dunno, the nurses said she had lucid moments when she talked about things she'd done when she was haunting my house,” Arnold told him. “She hasn't brought it up, and her memory is mixed up anyway...”

“Best to keep it between us then,” Patrick said. “Like you said, no stress. This trial is going to be tough on her, she needs as much support as she can get.”

“Is that why you brought me out here for an interrogation?”

“Maybe,” Patrick agreed. “Or maybe I'm doing what good big brothers do, keeping sketchy guys away.”

Big brother?

“Sketchy?” Arnold quipped.

“Well, what would you call a guy who goes around asking random people about murder victims they knew?” Patrick half-laughed. “Plus obviously I failed the first time...I got a second chance, I'm going to try and do right by her this time.”

That 'big brother' lingered in the air between them. Arnold wanted to ask about it, wanted to ask about his intentions without letting Patrick know how badly Arnold was pining after her. But luckily Patrick seemed to pick up on it without Arnold having to say a word.

“Between college and my boyfriend I don't get to spend as much time with her as I'd like to,” he tossed out flippantly. “Think you can keep other sketchy guys away for me?”

Boyfriend?

Patrick laughed, and Arnold blushed. He didn't realize he'd said that out loud.

“Yes, boyfriend. Two years now,” he explained.

“I thought you were....”

“I was,” he shrugged. “I had counseling when she went missing and I made my peace with it, in a way. Angelo's my best friend as well as my boyfriend, he supported me through it all. Plus even if I had known she was alive, the age difference looks a bit weird now. I can be her big brother, that's good enough for me.”

All this time Arnold had spent stewing over the threat that Patrick presented had blinded him to what a good, good guy he was. A cold trickle of shame ran through him.

“I assume she doesn't know you're head over heels for her, am I right?”

That came out of nowhere. Arnold choked on his coffee.

“What....” he sputtered. “I'm not...I mean, it's....

“That's okay,” Patrick consoled, flashing that irresistible (and infuriatingly smug) smile at him. “Your secret's safe with me.”

…..

Helga woke up just in time for Patrick to say goodbye before he left to get back to college. That left Arnold alone with her for at least another hour before he had to catch his bus back to Pocaselas. To his dismay, his face was still red.

“Are you okay?” she asked, frowning. “You look like you have a fever.”

“Coffee was way too hot,” Arnold explained, hoping she'd buy that. “Why is it that hospital food is always so terrible?”

“I know,” she groaned. “You'd think if they wanted me to gain weight they'd get better cooks.”

They chatted back and forth casually. Phoebe had given Helga a new cellphone the week before, and though there were smartphones around before she went missing she had never had one and barely knew how to use it. Arnold was taking her through most of the social media apps when he happened to look up and noticed something alarming.

“Uh,” he stammered, unsure of how serious it was. “Should....should I call a nurse?”

Helga raised her hand to her face and touched the stream of almost-black blood running from her nose. She rolled her eyes, as though it was a minor inconvenience.

“Don't bother,” she said, grabbing a box of tissues from the chest by the bed. “It usually only happens in the mornings.”

She dabbed at the blood casually. Arnold's horror didn't abate even a little.

Mornings? Usually?

“So, this happens often?” he asked.

She nodded.

“I have a lot of scar tissue near my brain,” she explained. “Didn't make much of a difference when I was unconscious but because it's shifting around now I get these nosebleeds. There's probably more to it than that but that's how the doctor explained it.”

“Okay,” Arnold said, although it came out more high-pitched and panicky than he intended.

“I'm going for an MRI next week, if it makes you feel better.”

It didn't make him feel better. He associated MRI scans, like most people who watched TV, with sick and injured people near death. She might as well have said she was going to be defibrillated next week.

This is why they want no stress. If this gets worse she probably can't testify against Waring.

Arnold felt a little stab of anger that Plaskett wanted to prevent her stress not for her own well-being but so that he could get Waring convicted.

“By the way,” she said, dabbing as much of the blood away as she could. “We have a trial date. July 7th.”

Summer. Three months away. At the very least now he knew he'd be able to stay by her side throughout the trial. He hoped it would help.

[autismus-obscurus]

hello could you help me, i wanna write a story were onw of the characters is autistic i want a little help is there some sites about it

First of all, I’m very glad you turn to the autistic community. I’m sure you’ve seen this written a bunch of times, but just to be sure: please, please stay away from Autism Speaks. They demonize autism (basically saying autistic people ruin their families and would be better off dead). They promote a “cure” (which means aborting children that test positive for autism genes) and abusive “therapy”. A good post about why ABA is bad is HERE.This is a very good post on what to look out for in research.Tbh, I don’t go on other websites as much, so I’ll put some links of stuff that I know. For a general understanding, you can look into the DSM-V criteria (the offical criteria to diagnose autism). This won’t give you much to write a lively character, but with all the resources, it can be overwhelming. You should also definitely check out the organizations run by autistics, such as the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network and the Autistic Women’s Network.Autism is a spectrum. (See here for an explanation on what that means.) No two autistics are the same, and experience the world the same. An important tip I read was “don’t make autism their only defining trait” (it’s the same with race or sexuality, really). It’s tempting, since autism is literally affect how our brain works, but it’s better to do it in subtle ways e.g.

sensory differences (HERE is an example for sensory issues)

executive dysfunction and how to deal with it

overstimulation (also called sensory overload; common, but not universal)

the empathy thing

Eye contact

Voice stuff

“Atypical” Traits 

How do special interests work?

Comorbidities and how the influence our perception of autism

Example: PTSD and Autism

This is a very cute comic that gives an overview over common issues and how to be a good ally.

For inspiration and relatable things, you can definitely check out the #actuallyautistic tag! If you need examples for sensory things: Sensory hell and Sensory heavenIf you look on tumblr, you’ll find tons of examples for stimming. The trick is obviously to write it in a way that doesn’t degrade it (especially happy flapping has become a meme that basically says people who flap are R*tarded or just insane). That goes for all autistic behavior.

Another big topic is ableism. Warning: You will fuck up. We all do. I’m autistic and I still struggle with internalized ableism a lot. That includes automatically thinking autistic behavior looks weird, or not being able to express it, hell I haven’t even told more than four people in real life I’m autistic. Autistic is still used to mean something negative and you don’t shake that easily. Just be critical of your own thinking.Ableism has many facettes, too many for me to line up here. Some include:

Not listening to us: People who talk are “obviously” too high-functioning to speak about autism, people who can’t talk are not assumed to be able to express an opinion.

Everyone has met at least one neurotypical who assumed they knew more about autism than an autistic person.

Medical ableism: Goes both directions. Either autistics are treated as if we could not make decisions, even as adults, or our problems are dismissed, especially other symptoms

Sexism: Women much less likely to receive a diagnosis or to be treated for medical problems both. Resources masterpost on autism in women

An article about lack of diagnosis in autistic women

Abuse: Can range from emotional abuse (e.g. guilt tripping, gaslighting) to physical (e.g. provoking a meltdown / sensory overload on purpose), usually both

Generally just ignoring an autistic person’s boundaries.

“Autistics are only worth something if they have a special talent” (basically Rain Man)-> dehumanization in general, “we’re not human for not having certain traits / abilities”

There’s also this huge debate on self-dx (see this post for example). In many places diagnosis is expensive and can have a lot of disadvantages (e.g. looking for jobs). Self-dx involves a shit ton of research, months and years of it, really. (Just like you are doing now!) My humble opinion: Psychologists fuck up as well, see the ableism section.

Here is a post on how to get diagnosed as an adult. And here is a post on self-dx!Here’s my story of getting diagnosed (maybe less relevant, but take it as a real life example)

Media representation of autistic people is unfortunately complete garbage for the most part:

This post has a lot of notes with people telling what irks them about media representation of disability in general.Here is a post on why The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time )a pretty popular book that we read in school as “education” about autism) is a bad representationA post on ableism in the series “Good Doctor”I couldn’t find a cohesive review of the show “Atypical” and I haven’t seen it myself, nor do I intend to, but if you go in the #atypical tag the autistic community is very clear that it’s bullshit (and also backed by Autism Speaks, so big surprise)Billy from the new power rangers is autistic! And from what I’ve heard he’s actually well-written. (A post about what the writers did right.)

Things to avoid (unless you present it in the context of ableism / being negative):

cure rhethoric

functioning labels / mental age rhetoric (See this post)

The distinction aspergers and autism (I can’t find the post explaining in detail why it’s bullshit but here’s the short version: Aspergers is an outdated concept (in the new DSM-V it doesn’t exist anymore, you’re just autistic) and it has been used to separate the “good” autistics from the “bad” (it’s ableist and a functioning label basically)

Here’s also an explanation on Aspie supremacists

emotionless character

person first language (Here is a post on why PFL is bad)

white little boy with special interest in trains (they do exist, but it’s overdone)

he’s autistic BUT- (insert special ability) Click Here

Here is a post explaining our preference for the autism label above othersHere is another post on writing autistic charactersLastly, I recently found a very good post about the difficulty of calling a character autistic in writing, you can check it out here.

I probably forgot a ton of important things, so if anyone wants to add something, please do so; or shoot me a message, whatever is more comfortable.

[panreivonreyes]

It feels weird being here when I'm so insanely far behind on just about every show I'm watching, but I miss this place and the people here and the kind of relationships I formed here and I want to see if I can find the rhythm of this place again, so here I am.

Some life update stuff: I'm actually starting to work towards getting an official qualification in early childhood care and education. I've been dipping my toes back into school type stuff since last March, and the pandemic definitely interfered with those baby steps, but I'm finally ready to submit all my coursework for a low level minor award I've been working on since January, and I've actually completed a thing, and unless something goes horribly wrong when the assessment person looks at it I'll be getting an actual certificate and it felt so surreal until today in therapy when I fully sobbed about it because I really didn't think I could do it, and I did?

And on that note, this year, thanks to a pandemic scheme that was giving people 12 free weeks of therapy, I finally got a new therapist (after years of basically just going it alone) and she is INCREDIBLE and we're actually working directly with my emotions and fully internalising stuff and she's so gentle and is so good at noticing when something she says sparks a reaction in me that I pushed down without even noticing and I love her so much. And I get to stay with her, even now that I've run out of free sessions, because this place does sliding scale payments.

The pandemic has been executive dysfunction hell because basically all external structure ripped away overnight, but I've survived it so far, and fingers crossed we're in the home stretch now.

And on that note, the last week or so has been great, because there is a by-election happening because a TD basically just decided to quit his job, and I've gotten involved in the campaign for one of the candidates and it is turning out to be the best thing for the pandemic depression that I've been struggling with for the last few months. I suddenly have energy again, even though I'm trekking across the city like 4 times a week to help with leaflets, or canvassing, or election posters, because I finally have a purpose again! I have something to do that actually means something and isn't just a way to pass the time, something where I'm accountable to someone other than myself!

Also the swimming pools have finally reopened (with restrictions) and so I've gotten to actually go swimming again after at least a year and a half? Which is such a relief because regular swimming is something that really helps me go into sensory overload less, and without it I've been taking a lot of Very Long Baths trying to get my body to calm the fuck down. And tomorrow I'm going swimming for the third time in two weeks and it is Bliss.

[getpregnant-blog1]

How Can Adult Children Relieve Tension?

New Post has been published on http://www.karanschmidt.com/2019/05/27/how-can-adult-children-relieve-tension/

How Can Adult Children Relieve Tension?

How Can Adult Children Relieve Tension?

Continual exposure, during the two decades of an adult child’s upbringing, to fear, trauma, abuse, and survival-oriented reactions created by parental dysfunction, alcoholism, and abuse prime him for significant, sometimes chronic tension, even later in life when triggers spark earlier, unresolved incidents or he is confronted with circumstances those from safe, secure, and stable homes may not perceive e as so daunting. What, then, is tension?

A psychological manifestation and sensation, it can be perceived as an internal tightness, resulting in elevated heart and blood pressure levels and the release of stress hormones. Like a giant, interior rubber band, it deludes the person into believing that it stretches to its maximum length, leaving him to believe that if something is not done to release its tenacity, it will imminently snap. At other times, it feels as if his brain were in an ever tightening vice. An adult child assuredly experienced these “on the edge” sensations during a major portion of his childhood, as the mere entry into the room of his controlling parent caused him to retreat within himself, cease all pleasurable focuses, and prepare for the next blame, shame, or harm. Tension can be the uncomfortable internal state that alerts: Something is about to happen! Get ready for it!

Later-in-life tension, despite the absence of the rigid parent and even a departure from the person’s home environment, can be self-created for four principle reasons.

1). A perceived obstacle to the attainment or successful completion of a goal or endeavor, which can be considered significant and important.

2). A conscious or subconscious perception that a person, place, or thing poses a potential threat and approximates the detrimental circumstances of his upbringing, such as an authority figure, who represents the displaced image of his parent.

3). The resultant consequences if the physical, mental, and/or emotional obstacle is not surmounted so that the goal can be reached, whether that goal be sheer safety or an actual accomplishment of some type.

4). The inability to triumph over the restriction.

I once asked someone which would create more tension about passing a college course and attaining his degree-the ability to write his name on a piece of paper or the requirement to research and write a 20-page term pager, use at least five sources, and do so in under an hour? The latter, obviously, carries three of the tension-creating elements: the need to complete a significant goal (write the term paper), the consequences of that inability (failure of the course), and the impossibility of doing so in a sixty-minute interval.

I doubt that writing a person’s name on a piece of paper to pass a university-level class would produce very much tension for anyone.

Already a cultivated victim, having had parental abuse or even insanity demonstrated as indicative of human behavior, and diminished in resources and development, an adult child may create an even deeper tension when confronted with certain aspects of life that carry these elements, discovering that the more he thinks his way into his helpless ability to overcome his obstacles, the more inhibited he becomes in overcoming them. He eventually forces himself into a mentally imposed prison and throws away the key.

Examination of my own tensions indicates that my subconscious is usually superimposing a present-time situation on an unresolved past-time incident, regenerating the inner child retreat, who was assuredly powerless, helpless, and tool-less, along with the fears, danger, traumas, incapacitations, and immobilizations experienced during its time of necessary creation.

Surmounting obstacles as an adult with these inabilities as a child, needless to say, creates tremendous tension, as the former states, “I have to prevail over this,” but the latter replies, “I can’t. I don’t know how!”

The more he tries, the greater becomes tension’s grip, until he is jammed by it.

Tension’s solutions, which can perhaps more accurately be labeled “tension’s relievers,” are many, but all depend upon the amount of recovery and the ability to pause and assess which of the three brain areas the person is operating from: the brain stem (amygdala-induced reactions), mid (emotions), or upper (logic, reasoning, and executive functioning). That “stop and think” strategy could be the threshold to varying degrees of release and relief, and can threshold several successful strategies.

The adult child, first and foremost, must realize that his past, tension-building reactions most likely never worked before and therefore will not work now. Instead, they will only tighten their grip on him.

Indeed, the solution is paradoxically not tightening his hold on its resign, but instead releasing it and surrendering it to a Higher Power, as he realizes that he is too limited and restricted to find all solutions within him. Because he was forced to do exactly that during his upbringing in the midst of deficient, abandoning parents, it may require significant recovery and “turning over” attempts before he is successful with the effort.

“‘Let go and let God ‘teaches us to release problems that trouble and confuse us because we are not able to solve them by ourselves,” according to Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change” text (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992, p. 321).

The adult child must realize that his unresolved childhood issues and the helplessness they now generate are only blocking him and thus causing his tension build-up, not reduction.

Tantamount to understanding his tension-producing stressors is the determination of their intensity and severity. If they are particularly amplified and out-of-proportion for the emotions they create, then he can suspect that his past is playing out in his present without his awareness. Consideration of when he had similar feelings, particularly during his upbringing, may time-peg the incident and re-shelve it, considerably relieving his tension.

When I have used this method, my abusive father’s image has appeared and with that realization the tension has subsided, because I found myself chewing on an earlier-life episode that was feeding the fires of the later-in-life one.

There are several other tension relieving methods, whose effectiveness, based upon personal experience, has varied according to occasion and intensity.

When my internal circuit breaker seems like it is about to pop, the energy that causes it can be diffused or dissipated by speaking either with a sponsor or a trusted friend.

“Many of us have discovered that the telephone can be a life line between meetings,” according to “Courage to Change” (ibid, p. 116). “… A particularly useful time for Al-Anon phone calls is when we are preparing to do something new or frightening. Many of us ‘book-end’ these actions. We make an Al-Anon call before taking the action and we follow (it) with a second call. For those of us who have always acted alone, there is a way to share our risks and our courage with others who will love and support us, no matter what happens.”

Another relieving method is pressing the personal “pause” button by interrupting the building intensity with other, more pleasurable activities or focuses. Like a loop, tensions continually run the same circular track in the brain and heavy emotions ensure that they remain impressed into it, unable to locate the happier “off ramp.”

“Sometimes a horse refuses to obey a rider’s command and races out of control,” advises “Courage to Change” (ibid, p. 306). “My thoughts can do this too, when I frantically try, over and over, to solve a difficult problem… When my thoughts race out of control, I need to stop. I need to do this by breathing deeply and looking at my surroundings. It can help to replace the obsessive thoughts with something positive… “

Awareness of the mind’s thoughts and refocusing on external stimuli is known as “mindfulness.”

Light music, a comedy television show, taking a drive, and communing with nature, particularly on a warm, spring day, have all aided me in releasing my mind’s grip from tension’s track.

“When I’m trying to tackle a tough problem or cope with a stressful situation, and I’ve done all I can for the moment, what then?” asks “Courage to Change” (ibid, p. 290). “I can do something that will nurture my mind, body, or spirit. Perhaps I’ll take a walk or listen to music.”

During such walks, I myself have gazed up toward and temporarily immersed myself in the sky’s infinity, realizing how small I and my tension-provoking problems really are in relation to it all.

At times I also think of the friends and relatives who had once been a part of my life, but who are no longer in life, and wonder how important my concerns are in relation to their eternal existences now. How many, I can only ask myself, care that 20 or so years ago, when they were alive, that they had had a “bad hair day?” How, then, can I continue to view my own worries and trepidations with any degree of lasting severity?

As these efforts enable me to adopt new perspectives, my tensions-and the circumstances that cause them-begin to dissolve. I stand on the physical platform designated earth and negotiate the life I have been given in my imperfect and impermanent state the best way I can until someday, like those who preceded me, my cares and concerns will collapse into meaninglessness.

Sources:

“Courage to Change.” Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.