#with terrible side effects
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they picked this of all images to show for me in my 8th grade year book.
#that was in science during the spring#and that room was frequently very warm due to poor AC in the building (the building is over 100 years old)#so i had my fan#on top of that that class was always really fucking boring and i hated the teacher#and at that point in my life i was getting put on a different antidepressant every other month#with terrible side effects#so that photo was probably taken when i was half asleep or at least feeling like i was about to pass out#there's also every chance i was having a hot flash at that moment because i had just started testosterone around this time#undescribed
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been thinking about the rabies condition in writing lately, which is a GREAT post about stakes and characterization. basically exploring how if there's a 100% chance a character is doomed, then they can and will do extremely dangerous/damaging/contraindicated things for the slimmest hope of survival. which is one of my Favorite narrative devices
but while we're using health metaphors, i've been thinking about another somewhat complicated means of introducing character stakes, which i'm tentatively calling 'the autoimmune condition' for reasons that are. obvious
the premise itself is simple: the character has Something that they need to survive. they either can't live without this thing or they will lose something vital about themselves if they lose this thing. there is no replacement or alternative for the thing. what's most important are that the consequences for losing it are Extreme, rabies-condition-style
in the real life allegory, this is the immune system. which is great for being alive!
then the problem is introduced when this thing starts killing the character.
the character still needs it to live.
so: there is a 100% chance that you will die if you destroy the thing killing you. if you impair it through other means, there is a 100% chance of consequences, though the severity of those consequences is up to the author. (these are medication side effects in the real life allegory.)
if you do everything you're supposed to then you'll PROBABLY survive, but you're gonna have to play lifelong tug-of-war to balance everything, and you are often going to have to choose between two shitty options. bc there is no alternative.
this is a counterpart to the rabies condition in terms of stakes; with this condition, your character has to make complicated and difficult decisions about what they're sacrificing for their future. it's not the immediate life-and-death stakes of rabies, it's a slow decay instead.
what side effect consequences are they willing to take on?? and what are they NOT willing to take on?? where do their priorities lie in terms of symptom management?? what other solutions are they looking for?? what are they willing to sacrifice??
and perhaps most importantly: what exactly do they need to lose before they'll Accept the side effects / sacrifices that used to terrify them?? how high do the stakes need to be??
at what point is this character going to look back at the choices they've made up to this point, and realize that they no longer recognize themselves??
#have had this on the brain bc every medication i take or have taken related to my illness has a LAUNDRY LIST of terrible side effects#like most of them are only prescribed for very short periods of time#and the only reason they're ever prescribed for long term maintenance is if like. you will actually literally die otherwise.#you would not BELIEVE the side effects i'll weather to get my brain back. give it to a character#torment them. theres so much room for complication and messiness here. it's great#autoimmune tag#writing#writing advice#i guess?????#hopefully this is coherent. i tried to keep it concise#long post
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Long-term side effects of housing a deity in a human body?
#sso oc#<3 no real excuse for this one i just like coming up with terrible magical side effects and drawing body horror#based on that one old sso concept art of aideen as this centaur with branch antlers#cw body horror#cw blood#my art
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raised my tolerence to vyvanse too close to the sun
#every i took it my tolerence increased by like 5mg ish#i went from 30mg to 50mg and now 50mg does barely anything like im yawnjng 4 hours in 😭#on the upside !!!#the hell horrible no good terrible side effects r all gone !!!#i think vyvanse helps my adhd by also forcing me to have my life more together in order to take vyvanse#e.g waking up earlier (long half life) eating vitamins (otherwise brainfog) going to the gym (otherwise feel physically horrible)#learning to be mindful/meditate (bc stimulants raise ur heartrate too much sometimes) no more alcohol (vyvanse kinda gets rid of ur ability#to feel drunk so it is pointless and also dangerous to drink) no more caffeine dependence (stimulant + stimulant = super high heartrate)#HOWEVER ..sometimes i cant sleep until 7 AM ♡
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Haircut
#speculation nation#look its me#the SIDE SHAVE RETURNS..!#i also got the rest of my hair trimmed. bc it needed it.#the hairdesser was nice and gave me tips for products to use (after i asked her)#so im no longer so annoyed about her taking me in late lol#especially since i have gotten home in time for my appointment ✌️ it has all worked out fine#and i have my side shave in time for classes!! yay!!!!#it is my goal to be the cool alternative person. who doesnt talk to anyone. bc of course i wont.#not bc im too cool for it but more im terrible with strangers. but the effect is the same 😂#maybe now i will look less straight to strangers... i hope so!!!!!
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random picture dump :)
#cat update: theyre good#clancy update: he just ate roast chicken so hes also good#jess update: Im good#im happier rn than anytime since 2020 i think#still up and down but way less up and down- if that makes sense?#its nice its good- its autumn now and i always look forward to winter#suffice to say: i hope you guys are well too#i saw in an email i have messages on discord but last time i attempted to log in it wouldnt allow me so... if you msged there and i never#responded its bc i cant get in to respond and tbh#i think discord was maybe terrible for my mental health#which is a little sad bc that was the main way i talked to people but also... idk#jury is currently out on that front we'll see maybe i'll download it again#but regardless i miss you but im well and i hope youre well and i hope one day coming back wont feel so daunting#relationships are hard arent they? i hate things changing and ending more than anything else in the world#side effect of my dad dying when i was little i think#but the main thing thats been making me feel guilty and uneasy lately is feeling guilt about disappearing from people so again!#im trying and we'll see !#yeah :)
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I was going through a list of flowers, and their symbolism with the intent of finding some info for future reference when I came upon the Belledonna.
Atropa belladonna, commonly known as belladonna or deadly nightshade, is a toxic perennial herbaceous plant in the nightshade family Solanaceae.
An alternative name for the belladonna according to a review on one of the sites I looked through was 'The assassin's drug' in past history, because it tastes sweet, and causes death.
Another review came up to say that Belladonnas help with fevers, and a third one said that the op had a cystoscopy on their left kidney, and the surgical notes stated that once the stone, and equipment were removed, a "Belladonna & Opium suppository" was administrated (B&O for short); they are common after kidney stone removal procedures because they help control what is essentially a painful post-op cramping of the urethra.
The name originates from it's historic use by women, as bella donna is Italian for 'beautiful woman'. It was used to dilate woman's pupils since it was considered to be attractive, and seductive.
In light of my short research, I assume that Dazai used this as a pet name for the women he invites to double suicides knowing all of this. A beautiful woman that agrees to a double suicide would be a deathly one, but her presence would bring comfort alongside the death to come.
It would make a funny pun for florists/plant enthusiasts (me)/pharmacists, and maybe even doctors out there who are exposed to Dazai's flirtatious pick up lines.
'Just being in the presence of your beauty makes my heart race, my dear Belladonna!'
'You should go see a doctor then, my chemistry would start affecting your digestive system pretty soon if you don't hurry lol'
#the reviews were pretty contrasting with article itself tbh#the article insisted that it was unsafe to use as a suppository but didn't elaborate that much#and that taking belladonnas as medicine is just a series of painful side effects and the such#but the reviews kept telling stories of how it saved their lives and made them much easier in their respective medical condition after#being prescribed with pills containing belladonnas#which could be a reference to how Society#and Kunikida#view suicide vs how Dazai views it#he views it as liberty and happiness#while they view it as a complete irreversible end which leads to terribly painful silence#saff-ron tag#bsd#writers on tumblr#bungou stray dogs#dazai osamu#bsd dazai#bsd analysis#bsd meta#bsd dazai osamu#dazai analysis#belladonna#plantblr#toxic plants#or are they?#i need confirmation frim an expert i love topics centered around flowers and plants
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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Zach I
Zach II
Zach III
Cas can DIE?! Say it ain't so!
Bobby, demoralized
Dean and Cas's mutual, pissy fatalism
Love blooming, personal space
You're not much fun, so why am I laughing so hard?
Dean's anxiety at being a vessel
Sam: Guess what? I'm a vessel, too! Everyone, please panic.
Recruiting Dean
So I don't lose them later...
Stupid amounts of having fun, though...
#i'm taking a break from this for now#but i do wanna do one more#comparing what we might predict of dean's anxiety and would COULD be his ruminations to what actually appears on screen#but that needs a jack component too#since Zach's Lucifer for Dean bears some resemblance to Zach's Castiel for Jack#especially his lines about the beauty of the earth and such#but anyway one cool side effect of this is that when you look at jared's performance of *lucifer* as zachariah *TRYING* to be lucifer#it looks a lot *better* actually#just sayin#it's a FUN way to look at it#spn 5x04#spn 5x01#spn 5x03#spn the end#spn it's a terrible life#spn lucifer rising#spn free to be you and me
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I wish I could tell every young person with a uterus (especially with bad cramps and/or dysphoria and/or depression, etc) that there is a decent chance they just straight up don’t need to live with that. don’t let the stigma surrounding contraceptives and the expectation that you should just ride it out and suffer win. for the love of god if there’s a chance you can lighten or even stop your period and it’s symptoms all-together, unless there’s a legit health concern, your doctor should at least make you aware of that option. I want every young person to know that “birth control” is not just for birth control and it has the potential to make your life infinitely easier to live. do not give in to anti-pill propaganda im serious
#kibumblabs#I remember being in late high school and my doctor suggesting it because of how terrible my dysphoria/related depressive episodes related to#menstrual cycle shit is. and like. im not saying it was a flawless transition but good god im serious it changed my fucking life#not to the extent testosterone would but it was still like. a Big Deal#because I was like. what the fuck. I’ve been suffering through this shit for years. and no one told me this was a thing? we’re all just#expected to suffer? because it’s ‘Normal’????#this whole time I could just. turn the bleeding off. or at least Down. turn off the debilitating breast soreness and swelling. etc.#anyway im not sure why im thinking about this but#i guess every time i hear someone (without any known health issues that’d interfere) like ah time for my monthly Week Of Pain And Misery#i want to shake them by the shoulders like. YOU DONT NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS. PLEASE I JUST WANT YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS.#and yes i know it doesn’t work for everyone or sometimes there’s side effects that make it not worth it or what have you#but for a huge huge huge amount of people. they just don’t know it’s an option. because it’s labelled Birth Control. and because there’s#this long-standing quiet fear mongering about it that makes it seem more dangerous and sinister and promiscuous than it is#similar in a lot of ways to other stigmatized hormone treatments. like. well. you know#doesn’t help that when you first get your prescription it comes with the worlds biggest list of Potential Issues (most of which are either#minor temporary or unlikely)#grahhghhhhhhhhh anyway. on a seperate but related note shout out to my fellow tboys who either didn’t have their periods totally stop on t#or (like in my case) they came back after like Years for whatever reason and that had to be dealt with via supplementary contraceptives#cw menstruation
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i've graduated to only seeing my rheumatologist once per year provided nothing changes 🥳
#essentially: i can't be fully discharged bc of how Fuckt my prior test results are#however as long as the meds keep working and dont have any terrible side effects. i'm good to go#autoimmune tag
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Bitches will be like "damn am I overexaggerating how bad the current landscape is?" And then the top posts in a character tag that's not even involved will be "this post contains filtered tags [ship]"
#cath.txt#on my hands and knees praying either I run out of people to block or everyone shuts up. I don't lose because I'm Cursed.#sits on my porch with my gun whateverrrrr. I can kill everyone.#like you hauve to understand getting into gf again has been so good to me but it's also been “wow this is one of the most sickeningly#familiar depictions of what I've gone through over the past few years that makes me feel uncomfortably seen but also provides me great#solace and hope for my own future and greatfulness for what I have now“ and then I check tumblr and everybody is unironically shipping the#guy who got exploited and psychologically AND physiologically tormented as well as violated with his abuser because it's “funny” and#“they're both terrible” as though one of these people isn't a man who's made a lot of mistakes that made sense in the moment and the other#is a fucking interdimensional nightmare demon that now canonically has ran cults. like ok. thanks guys. and the realest kicker to me is the#fact that people show that three sided fuckhead more sympathy? some fucking how? like ok I see how it is. it's one and I'm tired and I'll#probablyyyy delete this in the morning even though it's buried in my own tags but word to the wise don't have things wrong with you that#make you effectively kin ford at 13 and then reconsume gf seven years later and look at how your life's progressed. like fuck dude one#second you're chilling and the next you get so mad about hearing shit about a book that you realize you're a fucking Stanford Pines irl and#have been for nearly half your life. what kinda sick joke is it that that fucking book was announced on my birthday anyway. come on man.
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My problem is that I genuinely think they kinda look alike
#another side effects of my terrible face recognition abilities#anyways#spider shoots webs#so#Webster#web#haha lol get it#spider web#ill shut up now#david webster
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okay so this is wildly like, impulse
but I really really really wanna do something with october and I am still posses by the spirit of crafting and not the spirit of art
so instead of trying to draw every day for a kind of inktober, I'm going to work on my wips every day for at least 20 minutes with pics of progress
rules
-have to work for 20 minutes a day and upload pictures with my progress and how much time I spent
-that's it thats all the rules. im not doing anything about finishing a project a day, or even finishing any of them, and if the time ends up being completely me weaving in ends or something that's fine, the goal is make progress not bust out 31 sweaters
literally it's just finish it february, but in October because I usually draw so this seems like the right month to do challenges like that
and I'm making a hashtag so I have some organization, and so people can block it if they don't want to see like, 10 pics of 'the same sweater but it's totally different because there's been an inch added' lol
#craftober2024#<- my cool organizational hashtag#now that we're in the tags it's time for my actual chatting#so I've been on a new antidepressant for a few months now#and on adderal too#and I just feel so much better??#like#when I said that I had depression#I thought it was weird how everyone believed me#because like#anxiety I didn't get believed for years#ditto on adhd and autism#but I said I think I have depression and everyone was like oh yeah you should get help have you talked about it with#your friend that has depression#and I had been having a really bad streak of pain#which had me basically just lying in bed#or only getting up for work#and after I passed the pain streak I felt back to normal#and I was like oh I don't have depression I just was in pain#and felt really bad that it was in my medical history#and also the meds I was given sucked for me and had bad side effects#so i felt even worse because I was feeling like the issue with the meds was that I wasn't actually depressed so they couldn't do anything#but I don't have hope for the future of plans or goals so like I can't really argue I don't have depression since I score terribly#on the mental health checklist you do at the doctors#well long story short#I was put on an antidepressant that's good for anxiety#because my new doc agreed we could work on that and not really the depression#and it turns out I do have depression lmao#because with this new med I wake up and I feel awake?#so like for years anytime I am asked how I'm doing I say I'm tired
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THE BABY?!?!?! OHHH GOD I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW AWFUL IT WAS TO LOSE THEM DDD: JUST A LITTLE BOY!!!!
(Clone ages are kinda weird, since they come out as fully sentient 50-year-old men, but also newborn babies ahdkfsd
But yes, Mirtillo was the youngest clone of Pep's little family, being the equivalent of about three years old, so they are baby
And yes, it was pretty bad to lose them, along with the others)
#ooc post#not the first time Pep lost a baby but it's still a terrible thing regardless!!!#I have an ask about clone ages but I am still figuring that out!!!#some were made before others but they also have different mental ages and then I confuse myself#Mirtillo is still the youngest in terms of creation and mental age tho#they were one of the last clones to be made#which caused some unexpected side effects but I have said too much!!!
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#personal#internets#at this rate I've unfollowed both of the kinda.. 'controvercial' blogs I've been following#since there was a good chunk of actually good takes about how bad media is now and society and braindead internet 'activists' that-#-had it too good in their western countries and NEEDED to invent the reason to bully and excile people#could honestly resonate with it despite some other posts causing genuine pain. but mostly about terribly handled media#like you know that thing when corporations do terrible ass rep to pretend that they care for minorities#or artificially fabricate online backlash against their new actors to show investors that people show interest for their product because-#-of all the clicks on their article?#like discussion of this kind sorta keeps me sober#as a person with BPD I get contaminated by opinions VERY easily and as an autist I will believe everything if it is put together 'logically#that's why I HAVE to be exposed to every possible opinion so I am forced to make out my own rather than being swayed anywhere#but at this point those blog became kinda.. bad? like they don't just have 'opinions' but they hate just to hate#but now my dashboard and recs are full of exclusively things I can fully agree with and I am scared that it will rot my brain#like.. emotions are always the same. where is the 'wait WHAT' effect? where is anger? where is self-reflection?#but ALSO I realized that 'those' blogs are no better than those western 'warriors' I despise and they become narrow-minded too in the end#they advertise themselves as 'open to debate' only to always sway debate into trying to win and not into actually discovering the truth#I cannot trust any side because they're all narrow-minded and hostile but I cannot trust people without any side because-#-they're fence-sitters without morals that side with the winner#is there a secret third thing? like is there a way to not take a side but to still HAVE ideals and opinions?#my problem is that if I am not exposed to people that trash everything I value I forget why AM I valuing [a thing] to BEGIN with#and that won't do will it
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