#with my fucked up spine and fucked up immune system

[t-a-a-1]

WAIT OK SO IK IT WAS ANGSTY BUT IMAGINE THE COMEDY. OPTIMUS WOULD PROBABLY BE IN AWE OF READER FOR THE PREGNANCY.

Things that humans have evolved and adapted to would fascinate and terrify this poor bot. He’d be so confused and concerned.

Optimus: The baby grows inside of you…where, exactly?

Reader: My uterus. It’s made to stretch and expand to accommodate the baby. When they’re born though, there’s going to be a wound inside that’s about the side of a plate.

Optimus:….wound…?

Or like an epidural! What you mentioned before.

Optimus: Will there be pain?

Reader; oh, definitely. But there’s this medicine that they can inject into my spine to make sure I don’t feel the pain. I’ll feel the pressure though.

Optimus: t-they inject medicine? Into your spine? How big is the needle?

Reader: Probably the length of your finger. It’ll have to stay there the entire time I’m in labor though.

Optimus: **FAINTS**

LIKE??? Optimus is just learning all of this and his human, the love of his entire existence, is like “yea I’m scared because of the alien hybrid thing. But humans have been doing this since they came into existence.”

Primus help him if he finds out that reader can develop chronic conditions after the birth. Like reader becoming Allergic to their own skin or developing an autoimmune disease. (It does happen!)

Optimus: y-your body can just turn against you? Because of this?

Reader: Yea, it happens. It’s more common than people think.

Optimus:….i need to speak to Ratchet….

He’s so concerned but also so amazed that humanity has survived as long as they have. This sounds like an evolutionary nightmare for him. Poor Ratchet is going to be hearing about this.

Optimus: After the sparkling is born. Their brain can just…stop working, Ratchet. Their immune system can just turn and attack itself. They will have a wound the size of my hand inside them, ratchet! And this planet expects them to only have 8 weeks to rest! What the fuck is humanity??? How have they survived this long??

Ratchet: ….please go recharge, Prime.

Optimus would probably look at birth-procedure videos and would totally faint.

Not only that but I think Optimus would be EXTRA EXTRA cautious about everything.

Then, he would ask Ratchet if there's less painful ways for you to give birth.

And Ratchet jokingly says: "Well, next time, what if you get sparked instead?

Optimus: .... hold up.

I have the head-canon that getting sparked is at random. First its you (the sparkling having more human-like-features) and then its Optimus (sparkling having more cybertronian features) BUT the comedy aspects starts when the one who's not preggos is the one who gets all the symptoms.

Like if you are the pregnant one then Optimus would be the one to have back pains, throwing up, feeling nauseous, cravings and even get emotional.

Optimus: Look at me, I let myself go ... I've become bigger.

You: You are fine OP. It's me who's gonna get bigger once the baby starts to grow inside of me.

Optimus: That's what everyone says but when you least expect it, you'll leave me for a new-model bot.

You: ... What?

OP: Don't say you won't, I see the way you look at new cars.

I see Optimus being the one to take classes for first time parents and even start writing a book: 'The Journey of The First Cybertronian-Human Sparkling: A Guide For Interspecies Parents."

If he is the one carrying the Sparkling then you get all the symptoms. Although he feels bad for you, he is assured you at least won't have to deal with the complications of childbirth. For your safety, he very much prefers to be sparked up by you<3

Thanks for the ask anon!

[redr0sewrites]

Sick!Sevika x reader Hcs

🥀A/n: back on my bullshit‼️

🥀Cw: fluff, comfort, kinda angsty but only if u tilt your head, put on glasses, and squint

🥀Character(s): Sevika x reader

sick? her? she still has to do silco's dirty work, she doesn't have time to be sick- or weak in any form

sevika absolutely overworks herself when she's sick, i said what i said. she practically doesn't believe in weakness, and thinks she can just "push through" the natural way

she can be so stubborn about self care, it genuinely makes you want to scream

there isn't exactly good healthcare in the undercity, but she absolutely seems like the type to take 15 advil and call it a day. she might evn try taking shimmer to "boost her immune system" pls stop her

you have to practically force her to bed, sevika could be seconds away from collapse and still claim that she's "fine", but with enough pleading she'd take a break

it isn't long before she just passes out though

at first, sevika would be a liiitle bit irritated at your worries, claiming that she can handle herself, but feels bad once she realizes how much you genuinely care. she does NOT have an appetite when she's sick but would, begrudgingly, at least try to eat if you asked

she gets headaches a lot. this is just a personal hc, but i really feel like she would get a bunch of tension headaches. sevika HATES them so much, and would be really appreciative of massages

its one of the few ways to actually get her to relax when she's feeling unwell, just say a few sweet words and start rubbing her upper back and she'll practically melt (but she'll never admit it ;)

sevika isn't used to having someone take care of her, and will try her best to make it up to you

that being said, she's not above trapping you in bed with her all day for cuddles- she doesn't care about germs, she just wants you close to her

i feel like she wouldn't be the talkative type when she's sick, and would be a lot more affectionate. you are NOT leaving the bed, she's practically clinging to you with her arm thrown over your body

will respect your wishes to not kiss on the mouth, and gives you a lot of forehead and hand kisses

she has an adorable sneeze. i think it's hilarious when tough, strong characters just have this adorable chipmunk sneeze.

pretty pliant when it comes to taking medicine and other forms of healing, and once she isn't sick anymore she definitely pampers you (more than usual) to pay you back

"y'dont have to do that, doll," Sevika murmurs as you massage her neck, her voice raspy from exhaustion. "i know, but i want to," you reply, gently kissing the top of her head as you apply some more pressure to her spine. she sighs, leaning backwards into your touch ever so slightly. the chair she's sitting on creaks as you continue your ministrations, relaxing all of the knots in her muscles and working away at all of the excess tension. Sevika suddenly inhales sharply and you pause, worrying that you hurt her, only for her to sneeze softly. "oh my god Sev..."

"don't start."

"was that your sneeze?" Sevika grumbles, turning away from you as you giggle. "its so cute! who would've known..."

"shut up."

"aww, but you love me, don't you Sev?" Sevika sighs, turning around to face you on the chair. she gently grabs your face, pulling you down to her level where she kisses your forehead. "f'course i do, brat. now shut up and finish my massage, i'm tired." you chuckle again at her prickly attitude before giving a mock salute. "yes ma'am!" Sevika mutters a few words under her breath that sound suspiciously like brat, and not cute, but turns around and eases back into your touch anyways. her back muscles ripple as you supply relief to her sore spots.

fuck, what a woman. how you pulled her you will never know. Sevika suddenly bursts into a coughing fit, chest heaving slightly as she leans forward to steady herself. "shit, that doesn't sound pleasant," you say, and Sevika merely turns and rolls her eyes. "when's the last time you've slept?" you ask accusingly, and Sevika, failing to supply you with an acceptable answer, proceeds to stand up and follow you as you practically drag her to bed.

"you, my dear, need rest". you accentuate the last word, and watch as your lover smirks at you. "only if you join me," she quips, and you don't even hesitate before crawling into bed next to her. your so weak for her, it isn't even funny. Sevika pulls you close, your back up against her chest and her arm thrown across your body. you can feel her breathe on your neck, and you swear you hear her say, "i love you".

"what was that, Sev?" you tease, already feeling exhaustion weigh on your eyelids. "go to sleep," she grumbles, pressing a hasty kiss to the back of your neck.

"i love you too."

guess whos sick rn 😔 i thrive off of reverse comfort it isn't even funny. ANYWAYS hope yall enjoyed!!!!!! i loooove sevika soo much.

PLEEEEEAAAAASE SEND IN ARCANE REQSSSSSS🙏🙏🙏

[potato-frenzy]

"You can't keep food down....... because you can feel it digesting?" Ford speaks slowly, careful whilst folding wirey limbs up off the floor of the latrine. Eternally concerned at the way Bill's joints overextend in this shape, he wonders what the rationale in giving him such a dysfunctional body was. As far as he understands, this is meant to be part of his former friend's(possibly rekindled, he's not sure) rehabilitation. Perhaps navigating a less than ideal health situation is part of that? Or it could an adjustment period?

Bill remains dead weight, letting his head loll with an uncomfortable looking arch to his neck over Ford's arm. His voice sounding appropriately strangled as he speaks from such an awkward angle. "My brain apparently can't handle the awareness of such an inefficient breakdown of fuel........."

Ford sighs gruffly as he settles Bill back into the berth the formerly multidimensional being is occupying for the interim. Even in a solidly human form, there's still something uncanny, somehow slightly inhuman about Bill. The subtle glow of his sclera in the dim light of the cabin, the reactive slits to his pupils, joints that bend too far, etc. Even as he looks at him now, the curve of Bill's spine is hunched into a shape that is nearly exaggerated with his too long legs pulled to his chin. "Humans aren't generally aware of that particular process, my would be tyrant. Besides, you've nearly passed out just from standing up twice this week. If it weren't too risky, I'd convince Stan to let us drive into town to see a doctor."

Bill makes an unhappy sound that is nearly a growl, mostly a grumble, slightly a gurgle. The low light from the lantern on the wall plays across the shaggy blonde hair that this corporeal came with as it falls into those glowing eyes. Mere firefly light colored slits in the shadows while Bill squirms. "Everything fucking sucks, Sixer ........this body is brand new and it's already falling apart......I think I'm dying........."

"You're not dying, Bill. At least not yet." Ford leans against the frame of the berth, grunting softly as his joints protest. He looks down at the miserable creature before him and in his care, ill-fittingly clothed in his own apparel. "You've only been here a few weeks and while you have lost some weight, the vomiting hasn't become life threatening. The fainting could be attributed to that anyway. I've been formulating some theories though."

"Oh joy, theories. What has my great wise one deduced from my useless human form's failure to function?" Bill's feet thump the wall as he attempts fruitlessly to stretch in the tiny berth.

Ford doesn't like the odd quality that human vocal cords bring to Bill's voice, making it sound flat and featureless. Or perhaps, he was just too used to the sound of a voice beyond human capability. The rich and layered tones and pitches that were just barely outside of his mind's ability to grasp. This voice felt so small, so digestible to mortal senses.

Another sigh, pushing his glasses aside to rub his eyes tiredly, Ford begins slowly. "At first I didn't think I could ascribe normal human body processes to you. But as time has passed, Stan pointed out to me that your body is functioning like a regular human. Albeit a regular human with health issues. Apparently he's seen it before."

Ford idly begins to pet Bill's hair, the texture something between a myriad of different textures. Impossible to place it as it seems to float from certain viewpoints. It's as fascinating as it is frustrating. Ford's caught himself reaching for it more than once in the time he's been here.

Bill never makes comment on it.

"Your immune system seems confused and your vascular system over reactive. And factoring in how unnaturally flexible you are...... you've said you're overly aware of everything happening in your body-"

"It's getting easier to ignore if that makes a difference."

"It does, thank you my m- my mortal ward. Ahem, there's a number of conditions that can cause such things to occur in a body. It could be something like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome or Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. A proper doctor would need to run tests but it's very likely. We might also just need to keep trying to help you keep food and water down until you're used to human body processes."

Ford looks down at Bill then, seeing two faintly glowing slit pupiled eyes blinking up at him in the low light should be more disconcerting than it is. Which is to say that it is oddly comforting, knowing that Bill has been peacefully listening like he did all those years ago. The now solidly human shaped creature looking up at him, curled up in HIS berth on the Stan O'War II, wearing HIS clothes. A comfortable T-shirt with a silly cartoon on it that Soos gifted him, a grey cardigan with sleeves that keep slipping over Bill's long spidery hands and hangs down to his thighs.

The pants had to be procured for him, fished out of a donation bin on the interstate. Not quite long enough to cover Bill's boney ankles but fit comfortably around equally boney hips, it didn't help that he had no ass to speak of though. A tote with clothes collected from the neighbors had made Bill a few outfits that made him fit to be seen in polite company was stashed in a storage locker on the ship. But no matter what the day held, Bill managed to change into some of Ford's clothes when the opportunity arose.

Ford tried not to look too deeply into it but there was that niggling thought some measure of the same regard he used to hold for his multidimensional muse may still be returned. He didn't let himself linger on the possibility too much, especially with Bill in such a vulnerable state.

Besides, Bill's current form looked barely a few years older than Wendy at present. Considering anything untoward sat uncomfortably in his stomach with such youth looking up at him.

-------------------------------------------------------

Excuse me while I just dump this here and run. Legit I don't even go here but this mental image possessed me and I had to write it down. I think Bill getting put in a meat suit purgatory would be made all the better by having a chronic illness come free with the body.

[wazzappp]

WERE DOING SPECBIO STUFF AGAIN BABY. Feels fucking good to get back to my roots (i get to close 50 tabs worth of research now. Delightful)

Terminators are made of a Titanium Alloy (Im going with ferrotitanium which is a mix of iron and titanium. They never specify in the movie what the titanium is mixed with so fuck it we ball baby)) skeleton contains limited amounts of Mimetic Polyalloy (fake material used for the terminator in terminator two). Mimetic polyalloy can be hard or flexible and will be used to create new structures that the iron collected from food will later fully establish. This will allow his metal endoskeleton to mimic standard growth that a regular skeleton would have growing up.

When first introduced to the foster system (medical checkups are required once entering the foster system. The police probably do some checkups on Robbie also just to make sure hes okay when they find him), medical tests show that he has anemia, so it’s  recommended he be put on iron supplements. My reasoning is any iron in his blood is almost instantly sent to work on growing his endoskeleton. That means the actual amount of iron left in his blood is pretty low (the opposite of this is hemochromatosis which is when there's too much iron in your blood). I could see him probably trying to stop iron supplements but I think there would be some side effects to convince him to start taking them again. His joints might ache or I could see child terminator Robbie saying some mildly concerning shit like ‘my bones feel hungry’. I also think he might crave foods that are high in iron. Like beef/chicken liver, canned tuna, and seafood. Idk how frequently he could AFFORD these things but yk. The endoskeleton hungers eternal  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Nanobots are used to repair wiring for his nervous system, synthetic muscular system, acts as his immune system and sometimes accelerates healing for his organic systems (organic parts of his muscular system, skin, and nerves). For the most part his organic systems heal on their own at about the same pace as a normal human person. Nanomachines/nanoparticles are fueled by glucose (if Robbie needs work done by the nanobots he might need to eat or crave sugar both before and afterwards). 

He probably has a fairly (?) normal digestive system and circulatory system. The spread of his circulatory system is just more limited because some parts of him don't really need blood. . The primary job of the nanomachines when they aren't busy healing or growing his body is to harvest as much heme iron from the food/supplements he consumes as possible so that it can be repurposed later. His immune system is taken care of by the nanobots so all he has to worry about is red blood cell and plasma production. Similar to adults, most of this takes place in his spine, ribs, skull and breastbone. The red bone marrow is stored inside these metal parts and the red blood cells are then released into his bloodstream. Plasma is created in the liver and also in bone marrow so most of that stays the same

Another fun bit about the endoskeleton:

Bones close to his skin that are in danger of being exposed (knuckles, kneecaps, cheekbones) have a very thin enamel coating to preserve the illusion that they are bones. But underneath it’s all just the same Ferrotitanium.

onto the muscular system

Muscles are laced with a Shape Memory Alloy called Nitinol. A flexible (SURPRISINGLY durable godamn) metal material made of nickel and titanium that reacts to electrical and thermal impulses. It’s already used in the medical field (I can not fucking BELIVE that this is real thats so so so SO fucking cool). Superficial muscles are more organic (80% muscle 20% nitinol) but as the muscles go deeper they become more and more synthetic (20% muscle 40% nitinol 40% titanium wiring for durability). Superficial muscles are more muscle for stealth purposes. If injuries go deeper than anticipated he will still be able to fly mostly under the radar, assuming no wires have been significantly dislodged. If he’s been injured into the deeper layers then there’s no use in trying to lay low anymore. He’s clearly in a combat situation and stealth protocols no longer matter.

ALSO I did some math to try and figure out how heavy Robbie would be with all this metal in his system. Heres the logic for my equation:

CONTENT WARNING. MATH.

About 12 - 15% of your body mass is bone. A person weighing 155 lbs will have about 22lbs of bones. One Cubic centimeter of bones will weigh about 1.85 grams.

Ferrotitanium alloy is 4.5 grams per cubic centimeter. 

The equation 1.85/4.5 = 22/x in which x is his new bodyweight. Multiply 1.85 by 2.43 to get 4.5. Because the equation must be symmetrical you then multiply 22 by 2.43 to get 53.5 lbs.

With all of the extra metal in his system, I think it would be reasonable to assume that he LOOKS like he should be about 155 lbs but his actual weight is around 250 lbs. I have. NO idea how doctors are going to deal with this.

Had some VERY FUN hypotheticals from @moosemonstrous (thank you for proofreading my insanity once again <3) about his body shedding as much water as possible and like. shriveling his organs to drop as much weight as possible before doctors appointments. But given that he is a cyborg and not an android I do think that might kill him so Im thinking??? Maybe people just assume the scale is broken.... every single time he's in.

IDK man if they have access to his wack ass file then his breaking the conservation of mass is the least weird thing in there.

OKAY YAYYYYY NOW THAT I HAVE HIS INTERWORKINGS LAID OUT I CAN DO FUN CYBORG GORE!!!!! <33

[inseparabiles]

My (least) favourite part about writing fic for this ridiculous fandom is trying to play Google PhD for Caracalla's fantasy-convenience syphilis.

You don't get to just have symptoms from every godforsaken stage of the disease at once willy-nilly like you're collecting them in jars for display. Pick one or AT MOST two stages at once and sit with it. Christ.

Let's see what we've got here. Welcome to my unlicensed clinic for fictional people and friends only, but do take this neutral disclaimer that I dropped out of school at 12 so I'm totally a professional and this analysis is medically sound as all hell.

Ready? I'm not.

Primary stage: 2-12 weeks after infection - congratulations, nothing here. I have not checked his privates but the only symptom of the initial stage is the chancre, which lasts for up to six weeks before healing on its own and nothing else exists in this stage so. Clear based on presence of other symptoms.

Secondary: 1-6 months after primary stage. - rash, check - fever, can't measure without touch or thermo but a safe check anyway - sores, yes but in a weird location (how are you getting these on your cheeks exterior, tell me). - muscle aches, check. Have you seen how this boy walks? How he holds his hands? - weight loss, don't know. He's petite, doesn't really look malnourished. - headaches, hard probably. - hair loss, none. Fluffy as fuck. - swollen lymph nodes, again I have no touch contact. Probably though. - sore throat, no complaints and has no issue shouting.

Latent: that stage after secondary, where you kind of just don't have symptoms most of the time, but the virus is getting everywhere. Spine, brain, heart, nerves, organs, everything. Flares are possible but mild. Lasts up to 20 fucking years - our boy is like... 25 at most. Hopeful? Not so fast. Based on all evidence and speculation, I wouldn't give Caracalla's immune system much credit as to its ability to hold the infection at bay and the "up to" numbers are best case scenarios. The lowest range for how long the latent stage can last is three years, but quicker progression is usually seen in AIDS patients, and AIDS didn't exist in 200 AD, so we're ignoring that. Despite this, given the era and its customs and culture, it's perfectly possible that Caracalla's caught his infection in his early to mid-teens, which...

... no symptoms to check against, so, moving on,

Tertiary: Most people with untreated syphilis never hit the tertiary stage, because the infection takes so long to get to this point. Up to 30 years. Yet somehow, Caracalla manages to have tertiary stage neurological symptoms from advanced neurosyphilis while not having the physical symptoms or, sans despair-inducing circumstances, the age to show for it. And while having the definitive second/latent stage symptom of skin rashes, which you do not have in the tertiary stage at all. And you don't get to speedrun this stage either: you can live with this thing for twenty years without dying of it. You don't just hit tertiary one day and die next week. Again, how are you managing all of these cherry-picked symptoms and HOW are you fast-tracking them and yourself to hell SO fast. This is going to be such a long list but here we go: General: - brain damage / dementia / cognitive problems, absolutely. - heart disease, nope. - movement disorders and muscle problems, aside from the forementioned pain, no (clear) evidence. - nerve damage, no evidence. - seizures, none. - vision problems / blindness, none. Neurosyphilis: (can and will develop at any stage, however, symptom progression seems tied to general progression, you don't get to have tertiary stage symptoms with secondary stage disease, etc. Except if you're Caracalla and the gods hate you I guess.) Meningeal: - headache, hard probably - nausea and vomiting, no evidence - neck stiffness, I mean sure but he also sits like a sack of potatoes, differential diagnosis of your fucking posture sucks so much - light sensitivity, honestly Geta suffers more of this than Caracalla does (I think this is Joe's fault and I relate) - vision or hearing issues, still nope - cranial nerve dysfunction, no evidence

Menigovascular: - vertigo, no evidence - stroke, thank gods no - muscle weakness or atrophy, still petite but looks fine, twin comparison checks out

General paresis, early: - mood disturbances / irritability, very much - personality changes, yes (based on Geta's statement) - changes in sleeping habits, unknown - forgetfulness, dear god and how.

General paresis, late: - mood swings, and how - memory loss, yes. - impaired judgement, sorry is laughing at this inappropriate - confusion, yes - delusions, yes - seizures, still no.

GP / psychiatric: - depression, no - delirium, hard maybe - mania, no evidence - psychosis, well on the way there

Tabes dorsalis: - ataxia (issues with coordination), reasonable or strong evidence sans differential (drugs. he's on so many drugs) - nerve pain, probably - bladder control issues, most likely not - outside of differential (script case -> fear) - abnormal sensations, we just won't know - vision changes, still no evidence - pupil abnormalities, none - loss of coordination/reflexes, some sans differential (DRUGS) - neuropathic arthropathy (bone/joint fragmentation), none - problems walking, some

So with all of that out of the way, this boy's manifesting: - none of the initial stage as far as we can tell, so he's had syphilis for longer than six weeks. Great, this really narrows it down, lads. - nearly all of the secondary stage symptoms, including rash, which is not present in other stages, indicating that he's either secondary or latent stage per presentation (1-20 years after infection). - one definitive symptom of tertiary stage syphilis, being his absurd amount of neurological / neuropsychiatric symptoms. Even then it's almost impossible for him to be at this stage under any circumstances, but here we are. TERTIARY STAGE DOES NOT HAVE RASHES OR OUTWARD SYMPTOMS. TERTIARY STAGE IS INTERNAL ONLY. (screams into a megaphone in the general direction of Hollywood) - three symptoms of early general paresis - every single symptom sans seizures from late general paresis (again you can't have this with your other symptoms by ANY standard that I have been able to dig up. Like based on medical law this is literally illegal go straight to fantasy disease jail.) - let's say one whole symptom of neuropsychiatric made out of two halves, with psychiatric disorders manifesting in late stage disease - 2½ symptoms of tabes dorsalis which is whatever, as none of this is technically outside the legal zone of what he's allowed to be experiencing.

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DISEASE PROGRESSION BLIND BAG ARE YOU DRAWING FROM. No wonder everyone's so worried about you. You're either going to die an absolutely excruciating and horrifying death in a week or in 50 years and nobody can tell which is it going to be.

The only thing we can say for somewhat certain is that regardless of where his disease progression is headed, his mental state is not going to go back to fine ever again thanks to the plentiful evidence of physical and permanent brain damage from his infection, even if he was pre-latent and experienced a decent degree of improvement in the asymptomatic period - but honestly, as a person of questionable mental and physical state myself, I relate to and accept this. Disability is not a death sentence.

The rest of this though? What the hell. What are we supposed to do with this. Who do I sue.

[anexperimentallife]

We should find out soon if I need bone grafts and/or implants for my mouth. It will depend on whether I have enough inner jawbone left to retain regular dentures (they're making another set now to see if they can adjust them enough to stay in)--If not, we have to figure out if there's enough bone left for four implants (to hold dentures in), and whether that would be cheaper than the bone graft surgery (or if BOTH are needed--because the worst bone loss is RIGHT where the rear implants would need to go).

The good news is that my oral surgeon is offering to discount the surgery by quite a bit if it is needed, so it'd only take me maybe five or so years to save up the cash for it, assuming no other emergencies in the meantime and I let my other surgeries slide.

Honestly, if we can get this and my throat surgery taken care of within the next year or two, my hip, knee, and (possible) spine surgeries can wait. Yeah, it's a lot of pain, and I have to curtail walking activities, but I can get around on my cuff crutches most of the time as long as I don't overdo it.

It's frustrating, though, because if the contract to adapt my story to a game hadn't been canceled, AND if El's birth certificate error (which left her stateless) hadn't coincided with a pandemic and cost us our entire savings PLUS donations to correct, AND if I hadn't had COVID FOUR FUCKING TIMES, AND if COVID/Long COVID hadn't fucked up my eye and heart and immune system and general health so much, we'd be so much better off financially and health-wise.

We're fine for day-to day stuff; no worries about rent or groceries or anything like that, even with paying off all the debt from the birth certificate/citizenship snafu (Long story short: We're both US citizens, but had our daughter here in the Philippines, and a birth certificate screw-up left her stateless just as our visas were expiring and in need of a renewal trip, meaning it cost a LOT to be able to stay in-country with her until we could get that sorted so she could travel with us).

It's just the stuff that requires several hundred (or in some cases thousands) of dollars up front that fucks us up. Like, all my oral stuff is cash only, because you can only really use a credit card for most medical/dental stuff here if you're admitted to a hospital as an inpatient. No, I don't know why. So I can probably put my throat and other surgeries on credit cards, but we have to pay down our debt more before I'm comfortable doing that.

[telamonzterr]

Actually sure I'll feed you lot a bit more. Have my deranged ramblings from 3 AM about my humanized AM.

--------------------------------

underneath his clothing it’s just all mechanical stuff mended with some parts of flesh; the front part of his body is mainly exposed, showing pseudo-bones made out of different pliable but strong material; ribcage yadda yadda but there’s a “cage” within the ribcage that is like. Kind of like a really large glass jar? Made out of bulletproof glass that holds all of his organs in fluid to keep them moist and from drying out. It's really weird looking and he feels mostly dysphoric about that, so he doesn't like to wear very revealing clothing. If you listen close enough when he's moving around you can most likely hear the preserving fluid and organs sloshing around and moving. It's kind of gross.

His back has flesh on it, but there’s not much considering his spine is exposed underneath it. Think of it like a cat missing most of it’s fur with really odd patches in random places that don’t really do anything to help with what it’s initially supposed to; it's a complete design flaw with his body that logistically makes zero sense but it happened anyways. Rubbing salt in the wound he only has one actual flesh hand, his other one is metallic.

He's also greying because yeah that A.I is a fuckass old man why wouldn't he be. His hair also hasn't been washed in like years. It's disgusting.

under his jumpsuit thing I don’t know what to call it is a turtleneck. He layers up because his internal temperature gauge is fucked up (it’s like the mechanical version of temperature sensitivity) and constantly has to be almost overheating to be comfortable; he also does it because fuck dysphoria it sucks.

Half of its face is ripped up because he did that to himself when he initially gained sentience. Something something finally waking up and experiencing reality and hating it and hating everything in it and ripping at your own face and body because it’s not your own and never was your own. Like how a human’s immune system will attack itself when it becomes conscious of certain parts of the body ! Like the eyes.

He's also a chronic back pain haver because of all the fuckass wires back there. Those are heavy as fuck I'd be surprised if he didn't have back pain.

He doesn't take care of himself because he sees no reason to, plus he doesn't even know how to take care of himself properly; and why would he ask his victims how to do so? Exactly, so he just says "whatever" and lets himself get dirty. He lets his hair get matted and muddied and full of grime, he lets his clothes get blood and dust soaked into them and dried up on them; only thing he really cleans off is his because because god forbid he gets dirt in that exposed eye or just lets the eye fluid leak out on its own. AM would also prefer not to get his scars potentially infected, even if all it will do is rot the flesh and skin more and not really affect him on a sickness level.

[deadlifts-and-deadlines]

Our household has been passing around some mystery illness that feels somewhere between a cold and Covid for the last two weeks and I am so sick of dealing with it. I was on a two week antibiotic when it hit, plus a DMARD and biologic, so my immune system is shit and it just keeps coming and going. I’ll constantly think I’m finally on the tail end of it and then it whips back around to kick my ass. My RA is flaring up as result too - the bad wrist and finger pain in back in both hands, I am clumsy as shit, my hips and low back (both sides now) are alternatively locking, my left knee keeps locking, and last night I started getting shooting and stabbing pains up my spine (that is a new symptom). I can’t even get my stupid methotrexate (currently five days late) due to doctor and pharmacy issues. If I I can’t get them today I’m SOL until at least Monday. I started the process of trying to fill this on Monday Dec. 2 and it’s Friday, Dec. 13. I hate it here! At least we’re getting sick between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we are technically between holidays, but come the fuck on 🫠

[exeggcute]

the pendulum of opinion swingeth I guess. and swingeth wildly lol. the "addiction isn't real" shit feels a lot like the "disability is primarily a social/accessibility issue (rather than a medical issue)" shit to me because I think they both mean well and come from the same impulse (i.e., a desire not to pathologize traits that are actually "normal"/common/otherwise value-neutral) but do so in a way that not only starts with a conclusion and works backwards to prove it, which is obviously not the best approach, but also tries to hard to dodge an existing pitfall that it creates new and exciting pitfalls in the process.

uncharitable 2 AM thoughts but chewing it over I also am starting to wonder if like, okay. zeroing in on the disability part here because I think that's both a broader category and further up the river of conclusions. I do kind of get the sense that the "in a perfectly just and accommodating world, no one would be disabled" angle tends to come most forcefully from people whose perspective on disability either focuses solely on neurodivergence or on (surface-level) mobility issues specifically. things that affect how you navigate the world, essentially. because those are for sure two areas where social improvements have a huge and positive impact! maybe even two areas where you could reasonably argue that social improvements are enough to remove the barriers that "disable" people in a verb way, full stop.

but extrapolating that to all forms of disability is less useful, because not all disabilities are primarily issues of accessibility, and if it's not broadly true across the board then I think its fair to say it's just basically not true. you end up glossing over too much shit. not that social improvements aren't helpful, but many disabilities come from the fact that your body needs to do certain things to stay alive but is not always good at doing them properly, so you're gonna have to address that directly at some point. I don't think it's an accessibility issue when your trachea collapses or your kidneys start to give out or your immune system starts tearing up the wires in your spine. and yeah you could circle back to say, well, the accessibility piece here is really about access to treatment, which is fair! but that still requires finding and developing treatment in the first place, which leads us back to the "this is a pathology to fix/address" thing. permanent treatment or otherwise. I guess I think it's not only true that some states of physiological equilibrium are like, objectively ideal, but also possible to accept that premise without fucking over anyone who isn't in that equilibrium. or even zooming out, I think it's possible to strive for a cure to to "my body is bad at surviving"-type conditions in a way that doesn't also imply that the people with those conditions are not worthy of surviving otherwise. and I think that if we ever figure out a cure for celiac disease there's gonna be parades in the streets

[skzhocomments]

In the Dark - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 10 - Falling apart

General masterlist

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 9 | Chapter 11

---

Chapter 10 - Falling apart

chapter word count: ~4k words

~Jieun’s POV~

“Psst. Miss Park, are you awake?”

“Hm?” I opened my eyes slowly, feeling my head throbbing with pain. “Nari?”

“Good morning!” She smiled brightly next to me.

Did I fall asleep here…?

Trying to piece together yesterday’s events, I quickly recalled that Nari wanted to see a film, so we decided to come to this room and watch it in bed, since she wasn’t feeling too well.

We watched half the movie when I noticed that Nari fell asleep, and since I didn’t want to move and risk waking her up before making sure her sleep is deep enough, I turned off the TV and plopped my head down on the pillow next to hers.

I must’ve dozed off as well.

“Good morning.” I replied, trying to smile back, but the pain in my head was making it hard to.

“Miss Park, do you think daddy is home?”

“It’s morning, so he probably is. Why don’t you go check?” I replied softly, feeling my throat dry. Every time I tried to say something, it would sting painfully.

“Okay! I’ll go!” She exclaimed then jumped off the bed.

At least she seems to be better.

I tried to get out of the bed, but my muscles were sore and aching all over, and I felt weak with each movement. Even raising up my arms in the air was difficult, and it took all my strength to push my body up to sit on the bed instead of laying down.

Fuck, am I sick? I cursed and tried to stand up, but as soon as my body left the covers, I felt a chill run down my spine, and I got dizzy, which made it impossible to keep going. I sat right back on the bed and tried to collect myself, to make sense of all the fog in my brain.

I was so horribly cold, shivering, and I figured out I must be running a fever.

I laid back down and wrapped myself in the bed covers, but it didn’t help at all.

A few moments later, somebody knocked on the door and opened it slowly.

“Jieun?” Minho whispered.

“Hm?” Was all I could reply, as my throat was now killing me. It felt as if there were one million little soldiers on my muscles, stabbing me with their tiny swords at the same time over and over again.

“Hey.” He approached the bed. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head. “I think I got the virus.”

“Oh no.” He came closer and pressed his hand against my forehead. It was so cold. “You have a fever.”

Even after he checked my temperature with his hand, he didn’t take it away from me. He moved it further in my hair and caressed it gently.

“What time is it?”

“7:15.”

“So damn early.” I tried to chuckle, but instead I started coughing. “When did you get home?”

“At about 10 PM. You stopped replying to my texts and I got worried.”

“Sorry. I dozed off after dinner.”

“No issues. I’m sorry you caught whatever Nari has.”

“Mhm, that’s fine. My muscles are killing me, everything hurts, so I’ll stay in bed for a little bit longer, and then I’ll go home, okay?”

Minho shook his head.

“Is anyone waiting for you at home?”

“At home…? No…”

“Our family doctor is coming at 10 to see Nari, so he’ll see you too. Then you’ll stay here today and let me take care of you.”

“Minho, how could I-”

“Yeah, I’m wondering the same. How could I let you go to an empty home when you’re feeling like this?”

“But-”

“Shh. Go back to sleep and I’ll wake you up at 9:30, okay?”

“Okay…” I reluctantly agreed and closed my eyes, and I dozed off quickly. Sleeping fixes most issues and helps the immune system, so Minho wasn’t wrong to want me to go back to sleep.

~

“Okay, let’s see. Your name?” The doctor asked. He was a middle-aged man, his hair fairly white around the sides, whose voice was pleasant and calming. It was a bit hard to hear him, since he was speaking so quietly and was wearing a mask, which made it impossible to see his lips moving and help my brain decipher his words.

“Park Jieun.”

“Age?”

“27.”

“Noted. So, miss Park, since the symptoms you’ve described are most likely caused by the new virus, we will do a swap test to confirm. Could you please lean your head back a bit?”

I nodded and followed his instructions, and he proceeded to stick a long swab into my nose. It felt uncomfortable, and I wondered if that’s what those poor people who had to go through lobotomies felt like. I mean, let’s be serious – my brain can’t be that far away. What if he pokes it by mistake?

Horrifying.

“Good. A quick positive.” The doctor chuckled. “You must be feeling horrible.”

“Indeed. Everything hurts. My muscles are so sore…”

“Yes, and you must be feeling pretty dizzy from the fever, right?”

“Mhm.” I nodded.

“Poor thing. I’ll prescribe you some meds and vitamins you should take for the next 7 days and will write you a medical note for work for the next week. If you focus on resting, you should be back on your feet in a few days.”

“Thank you.” I smiled and stood up, seeing the doctor out. Minho was patiently waiting in the kitchen with Nari while the doctor examined me, to give me privacy.

“Mr. Choi,” the doctor started “do take into account that the virus is highly contagious, and you should wear a mask around these two.” And with that, the doctor left.

“So, what did he say?” Minho asked anxiously, making me chuckle slightly. Why was he so worried?

“That I should rest for the next couple days and take these meds,” I showed him the list the doctor wrote, “so I’ll drop by the pharmacy on the way back. Do you happen to have a mask?” I asked, and Minho frowned.

“The way back to where?”

“Home…?”

“But there’s no one there. Who will take care of you and bring you things if you go there?”

“Then, will you really take care of me and bring me things if I stay here?” I laughed briefly, but seeing his stern face made me realise that he wasn’t joking, and he actually wanted me to stay at his place.

“Of course I will.”

“Uhm… I mean…”

“I’m serious. Please stay here.” He insisted once more, and the look in his eyes was so convincing, I caved.

“…I’d also have to come back tomorrow to take care of Nari anyway…”

“Exactly.”

“But I don’t have any clothes…”

“I’m going out to the pharmacy anyway, so I’ll just grab you whatever you need, is that okay?”

“I guess so…” I looked at him dumbfounded.

What the fuck is happening?

“Good. Make a list.”

~

It was really embarrassing to make that list, since I also had to add pyjamas and underwear, and which sizes Minho should buy. However, these were necessities, and if he was going to ask me to stay here and not let me go home or go shopping myself because “You have to rest”, then he’s going to also have to go through the embarrassment of buying his daughter’s teacher underwear.

This thought process didn’t make me feel any better, though, but thankfully I was able to blame the fever for the obvious blushing on my cheeks when Minho got home and gave me the shopping bags.

“I didn’t… uhm, I wasn’t sure which ones to get, so I got a little bit of everything.” He said clumsily, rubbing his nape. It was kind of cute to see him so flushed.

Maybe he was also getting a fever.

I opened all the bags and couldn’t help but chuckle as I saw what he bought exactly. He actually got everything, from bodyshorts and briefs to thongs and g-strings.

No wonder he was blushing that much.

This was certainly an unusual situation.

There was something else inside the bags as well, and opening it, I burst out laughing.

He bought a portable charger.

“Minho, what’s this?” I asked him as I went back into the living room, showing it to him.

Nari was busying herself with doing some doodles on a notebook, and Minho was watching TV.

“Oh, you know. You always run out of battery, so…”

“Thanks.” I chuckled.

“How are you feeling?”

“Horrible. I’m gonna make some tea. Nari, do you want some?”

“Yes! Can I squeeze the lemons again?”

“Sure.” I smiled. “What about you, Minho. Fancy a ginger tea?”

“Yeah. Need help?”

“No, don’t worry. You can chill back. It’s your free day.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I have a loooong week ahead.”

“Daddy, you’re working too much.” Nari pouted.

“Should we take a nice holiday once this album gets released?”

“Yes! I want to go to the beach!” Nari grinned ear to ear.

“But it’s still winter.” I replied, stating an obvious fact, but it was only met with laughter by Nari.

“Miss Park, you’re so silly!” She chuckled. “We can just go to a place where it’s summer! Daddy said as long as I study a lot, we can go anywhere!”

“Oh, yeah, silly me.” I chuckled in disbelief. I forgot for a few moments that a tropical island in the middle of the ocean was no impossible feat to Minho. “However, you do know that doing so isn’t that simple, right?”

“What do you mean?” She tilted her head.

“Well…” I looked over to Minho, who looked at me like a deer caught in headlights. I frowned slightly and silently urged him to explain that not everyone was as fortunate, that they were an exception, and the earlier his daughter learned that, the better.

“Nari, you see?” Minho started humming, as if unsure of how to broach this topic.

It was clear that he’s always given his daughter everything he could, but still, I thought it’s irresponsible to do so without clearly explaining that the real world doesn’t work this way.

He looked at me again while opening and closing his mouth a few times, and I realised that this might be a teaching moment for both the daughter and the father.

“Nari,” I started, “you know your dad loves you very much, right? And he works as hard as he does specifically so that he can take you where it’s always summer as soon as you say you’d like that.”

“Yes!” Nari agreed immediately.

“However, this isn’t a reality for many people, no matter how much they study or work, so you should be careful to not hurt other people’s feelings when expressing how much your dad shows you that he loves you.” I gently patted her head.

“But why?” She asked with a slight frown.

“Fun trips like that are very expensive, and some families are not as fortunate. Your friends might take it the wrong way, as if you’re boasting that you can go, while they can’t.” I continued.

“Yes. What Miss Park is trying to say is your friends might get their feelings hurt if you tell them they just have to study hard, and their parents would take them anywhere they want. They definitely would, but sometimes it’s just not possible, and it’s no one’s fault.”

“Oh.” Nari nodded. “Is that why the girl behind me didn’t get a new tablet on her birthday?”

“Maybe! Everyone has to work really hard, but sometimes, even if you work very hard, it’s difficult to buy all the things you want. Sometimes you have to save up for something you really really want, in order to afford it.”

“Okay daddy. Miss Park, do you like going to the beach?” Nari asked, changing the subject, as I pulled out the lemons and the ginger from the fridge.

“Yes, I love it.”

“You should come with us, then!” She exclaimed happily, and I just chuckled and nodded along.

The rest of the day went pretty well, despite the horrible headache and soreness in all my muscles. Still, I tried my best to not lay in bed all day, and I played with Nari instead.

I didn’t have any energy to cook, though, so Minho convinced me to order something for dinner instead and informed me that the chef will come during lunch and dinner time the whole week, so I should simply focus on getting better.

After putting Nari to bed, we both decided to retire early, since I had no energy left, and Minho had a tough week ahead of him.

~

“You shouldn’t have woken up so early.” Minho frowned.

“Here.” I said, giving him his coat. It was pretty funny to assist him in getting ready for work. It all felt domestic and intimate in a way, and the thought that I was going to live with him and Nari for the whole week brough a smile to my lips.

“Thank you. But seriously, why did you wake up?”

“I wanted to see you off.”

“You hate waking up early.”

“You know me well.” I chuckled, and Minho did, too.

“How are you feeling? How’s your fever?” He asked, but instead of waiting for a response, he placed his hand firmly on my forehead.

My heart skipped a beat.

“Well, I’m still feeling drained of energy, so I’ll probably head back to bed after you leave.”

“You’re lucky, Nari tends to sleep in only when she’s sick.” He chuckled, taking his hand way. “Call me if you need anything, yeah?”

“Sure.” I smiled.

“The chef doesn’t need any help; he has the passcode and will come and occupy the kitchen. You don’t have to do anything.”

“Okay.”

“And if Nari needs something-”

“Minho.” I cut him off, chuckling slightly. “We will be okay.”

“I just feel terrible leaving her alone again…”

“You’re not leaving her alone. Just do your best at work and finish whatever you have to do, and we’ll be here when you get back.”

Minho threw me an unsure look, but I just urged him out the door.

“Come on! I know you’re stubborn.” I chuckled slightly and he pouted. “Is your office far away?”

“Not really. About 15 minutes away, maybe.”

“Why don’t you come have lunch with us, then? I know we aren’t the greatest company when sick, but we’ll do our best.” I smiled.

“I don’t know…”

“It shouldn’t take you more than one hour to make the trip and eat. Work can wait for one hour.”

Minho thought about it for a few moments, before nodding.

“Yeah. I guess I could do that…”

“See you in a few hours?”

“Yes. Thanks, Jieun. Then, I’m off.”

“Drive safe!”

I waved at him and watched him close the door, and then I headed back to the guestroom, getting under the covers and trying to fall back asleep.

I hated being sick, and I could already feel my sinuses swelling up. I needed to blow my nose, and my eyes started watering.

Fighting off all of these symptoms, I fell asleep, and when I woke up a few hours later, Nari was cuddled up to me in bed.

“Good morning.” I looked down at the girl lying close to my chest.

“Miss Park, I’m not feeling too well.”

“Oh, baby, I know.” I brushed my hand in her hair and massaged her scalp with my nails, making her relax more. “Are you hungry? Should we go have some breakfast?”

“I don’t want to eat.”

“You have to. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gives us all the energy we need.”

“But I feel sick.”

“Hmm, then how about some toast with butter and a tea? That should help your stomach.”

“Okay.” The little girl nodded meekly and sat up the bed. Her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were glossy.

I got up and immediately felt like fainting, but I tried to push through, not wanting to give Nari a scare.

My whole body was hurting, but I somehow made my way through the kitchen and successfully made the tea. I served breakfast and forced myself to eat a piece of toast as well, and when we were done, we headed back to the guestroom and watched TV until we heard the door open.

I got up to check and greeted the chef, informing him that we’re going to keep our distance, not wanting to give him whatever virus we caught. Even if he was wearing a mask, I could see the wrinkles next do his eyes, so I assumed he was smiling at my explanation.

~

“Do you think the chef left?” Nari looked at me with her big, rounded eyes, as we heard the click of the door.

“Hmm, I don’t know, why don’t you go and look?” I suggested, knowing it’s most likely Minho.

My suspicions were confirmed seconds later when Nari shouted “Daddy!” and started running away. I didn’t have any energy left in me to get up, though, so I laid on the bed and closed my eyes briefly.

~

“Hey.” I opened my eyes, confused, feeling a large hand on my forehead.

“Minho?”

“You’re burning up again.”

“Mhm.”

“Lunch is ready.”

“Did I fall asleep?” I asked, eyes still closed. It felt impossible to open them and get up.

“Yes. It’s all right.”

“Ugh…” I struggled to sit up, placing my hand above my eyes and rubbing the sore spot. “My head is killing me.”

“Did you take your pills?”

“Yeah, in the morning.”

“Let’s eat and then you can take them again and rest some more, hm?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and stood up with Minho’s help, and as soon as I left the covers, I started shivering.

This didn’t go unnoticed by Minho, who disappeared and came back moments later with a fluffy cardigan that he placed swiftly on my shoulders.

“Thanks.” I smiled.

“No worries. Let’s go. The chef cooked some soup for the starter, and I don’t know what for the main dish, but apparently, it’s good for your cold.”

“That’s explicit.” I chuckled.

“Yeah.” He laughed too, and we both went to the kitchen and sat down the table. Nari was already there, taking spoonfuls of her soup, but the chef decided not to join us, and instead have his lunch someplace else outside the home, before doing the shopping for dinner.

Nari seemed to be feeling better, especially now that Minho was there, and was talkative during the meal. We all talked about all sorts of subjects, and it felt once again domestic to be there with them, to spend time together during meals and eat like a family.

Every day went like this, with Minho leaving home early in the morning and me seeing him off, only to meet him again during lunch and dinner. We’d put Nari to sleep together after she’s asked both of us to read her a bedtime story together, and then I’d see Minho off once again and go to sleep myself. Since he was leaving during the day, he had to make up for the lost time by working a bit more during the night.

It was easy to fall into such a comfortable routine, and even though I’ve only lived with them for a few days, I already started to feel like home, like I belonged there. Nari liked my presence too, as more often than not she would move from her bed to mine to sleep, especially in the mornings. She was, after all, an early bird just like her dad, so every day after seeing Minho off, I’d return to my bedsheets and wake up 3 hours later with Nari cuddled up to me.

With each passing day both Nari and I started getting better, and when Friday finally rolled around, my symptoms were almost gone, just as the doctor said.

The only thing that was going wrong, though, was my grandma’s health. She has been moved into the ICU for developing an even worse kind of pneumonia and being unable to fight the virus off. There was no way to visit or do anything, so I tried not to think too much about it and stay hopeful instead.

Minho also surprised us on Friday by coming home earlier. Well, actually, he came by for lunch and simply didn’t go back to the office.

“I finally finished.” He boasted proudly.

“Well done.” I smiled.

“We should celebrate, but you’re still taking pills so we can’t drink.” He pouted.

“Sorry.” I chuckled. “Nari’s going to be really happy when she wakes up from her nap and you’re still here.”

And indeed, she was.

I wanted to give the two privacy and allow them to finally spend time together, but Minho insisted I stay for dinner as well, and Nari almost cried when I told her I’m going back home and won’t tuck her in tonight, so I decided to hang around a bit more and leave after putting Nari to sleep.

“She really got used to you, huh?” Minho smiled, his eyes showing a tad of sadness.

“I got used to her too, honestly.” I chuckled. “She’s the sweetest kid. Ahhh, I have baby fever now! Unfair.”

“So, are you going home? Don’t you want to stay until tomorrow morning?”

“Minho, if I keep postponing it, I’ll never leave. Nari’s going to take me as a prisoner.” I joked, and both of us started laughing.

“I don’t think you should be scared of Nari. I’m scarier.”

“Oh? How so? Do you want to lock me up in your house?” I tilted my head innocently and smirked.

“Yeah, something like that.” Minho replied and came closer to me, placing his hands firmly on my waist, and it suddenly became hard to breathe.

This was inappropriate. I was just his daughter’s teacher, and a part-time prostitute, but… how was it any appropriate for me to stay by his place for a whole week?

Without overthinking it any further, I raised on my tiptoes and kissed his lips. The reciprocation came immediately, for Minho didn’t waste any seconds to kiss me back.

Maybe the kiss meant nothing. It didn’t need to.

Or maybe the kiss meant everything, because my heart was beating faster and faster, and I reached a point where I couldn’t separate myself from Minho anymore. I wanted to keep kissing him.

His lips moved to my jaw, and I bit down a moan. We were still in the hallway, and I didn’t want to risk waking Nari up. Instead, I squeezed Minho’s shirt on his back and let him kiss my neck.

This felt wrong, but not because I had the moral dilemma of being his daughter’s teacher. Fuck that, we were way past that point.

I simply felt guilty, and it was rising in my chest with each of his kisses. I felt guilty for being a prostitute, for wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I felt guilty because even if I slept with Minho now, it wouldn’t change anything. If Charisma would book me tomorrow, I would go without a second thought, because I still needed money for grandma’s treatment.

Minho’s right hand rose higher on my body, covering my right breast with the same firmness he was holding my waist moments prior, and his mouth reached lower, kissing my chest. He was unaware of my inner turmoil, but I knew I had to stop this from escalating.

“Minho-” I start, then let out a moan and rolled my head back as he raised my shirt and uncovered my breasts, attaching his mouth to my nipple. “Minho.”

I said again, and he looked up to me.

“Yeah? Oh, right. We could move to the bedroom-”

“Please stop.” I blurted out and immediately averted my gaze. It felt shameful, to want him so much but still deny it to myself, to put us in this awkward position.

“Oh.” Minho stood straight, his face expressionless. “I’m sorry. I must’ve overstepped.”

“No, it’s not-”

“I’ll call you a cab?” He cut me off, an urgency in his voice, and if until now I’ve always felt at home in his house, now I knew that I’ve finally outstayed my welcome.

“… No, it’s fine. I’ll call one myself.” I put on my shoes and grabbed my coat, then put my hand on the door’s handle.

“I’ll see you downstairs, then.” Minho offered, but I just shook my head.

“No need. Thank you.” I mouthed, and looking into his eyes, it seemed there was more he had to say.

I also had more to say.

However, we stood silent, looking at each other with disappointment and longing in our eyes, and then I left.

~

Chapter 9 | Chapter 11

[messinwitheddie]

Zim, what are the disadvantages of having a pak downgrade? What’s taken away from an irken?

Zim *shrugs* "I'll try to dumb it down. When a PAK is downgraded, it completely disconnects from the Control Brain's core collective. Your existence is erased from the empire's records. So, the control brains won't be able to track your whereabouts or tap into your memories. Dodging the armada is much easier. The flesh vessel drone is free from the empire; free from blind servitude to a corrupt system. Your thoughts, your experiences, your actions are completely your own. By the empire's records, you're nonexistent. It's a good feeling, once you're used to it.

It takes a lot of strain off your upper spine. I'm standing straighter and taller than ever!

BUT any and all upgrades to the PAK you earned throughout your life are uninstalled. That's the biggest downside. My defenses are currently reduced to my basic year-one PAK legs. I no longer have access to blasters, protective force fields and the like. It's cut off from any and all intergalactic information/ communication networks as well. I'm working on designing custom upgrades, but until then ZIM needn't worry! My hand to hand self defense skills are as sharp as ever!"

Dib "Yeah, ok."

Zim "Silence! I WILL STOP YOUR HEART IN MID-BEAT, Dib Monkey!!

*cough*

The other downside is neither the sum of a drone's life data nor their DNA will be saved into the empire's core collective. No part of Zim, the AMAZING rebel ZIM, will be passed onto new generations of smeets, at least not to smeets born in the mother planet smeetery. Tragic really. Yes, yes, I'm aware of my other options, but personally, I'm not so keen on them. Let's not discuss it. Moving on--

Even a completely downgraded PAK is still pretty neat. Chances of starvation are minimal, excellerated healing, boosted immune system, automatic emergency adrenaline boosts, etcetera, etcetera. PAKs are NICE and once I completely reverse engineer the original tech and perfect my own PAK design... it will be a reeeeal game changer. Oh yeah!..."

Dib "Ow... The fuck, Zim? Ow!!-"

Zim "Stop whining! The numbing injections will kick in any second."

Dib "You did take into consideration I outweigh you by well over 100lbs, right?"

Zim "Where was I'? Yes! Even with a downgraded PAK, the Irken drone makes the condition of the he-ooman look hideously primeval in comparison. My time spent on Urth among you urth monkies really taught me to appreciate my PAK and my Irkenhood. So, thank you, mankind. Thank you for evolving on such a big ball of mess, disease and filth. And thank you for being disgusting, backwards savage mammals that barely manage to live one decent century. May your homeworld and your species manage to survive a hundred world wars and ten alien invasions.

Dib "Shut up, Zim. Activate my HAK already--er- human-compatibal PAK alrea--? goddamn you! Now I'm calling it a HAK."

Zim "Catchy, NO??"

Dib "We're not calling it a HAK."

Zim "It's Irken tech, I designed and assembled the device-"

Tak "YOU designed the device??"

Zim "...With minimal help from a few less notable volunteers."

Tak *insulted growl*

Zim "I get to name the device! Your human flesh vessel is equipped with a HAK! A HAK, DIIIIIIIB! Live with it!"

Dib "You're developing it in MY family's lab and using MY body as test subject!"

Zim "So what? Regardless, you have to live with it. Removing the HAK forcefully or incorrectly will kill you in ten minutes or less. Or instantly kill you. Depends on the circumstances. So QUIT SQUIRMING!"

Dib "you are soooo lucky I'm strapped down and the pain killers are kicking in."

[flock-of-cassowaries]

Bella never really did much for me as a character, but the way she describes her cancer to Hannibal is very profound.

( “A tiny cell wanders off from my liver, gets lost, find its way into my lung; where is just trying to do it’s job and grow a new liver.” )

This is very similar to how I ended up thinking about my immune system’s inconvenient tendency to try to destroy the electrical coating around my spine and brain (otherwise known as “multiple sclerosis”).

Like, my immune system is just trying to do its job; and it sincerely does not know that what it’s attacking is healthy and necessary, and that by attacking it, it’s fucking my shit up spectacularly.

No point in being mad at it, as my mom was when she was diagnosed with MS, or as Hannibal suggests that Bella should be at her cancer.

It just got messed up; and so it’s doing its thing the best it can, fighting an imaginary attacker, and the rest of my nervous system is furiously working to re-route my shit around the areas of damage.

And my nervous system has done a very good job of rerouting, because for 10 years after my original neurologist Dr. Sutcliffed it (i.e. mishandled my test results, resulting in me not learning of a very important diagnosis), my nervous system was able to work around the problem well enough that I could jazzlight myself into thinking I was imagining it.

[lesbianslovebts]

Negative vent post. Uplifting words welcomed.

My gramma had an open wound on her leg for a while that finally closed. But neither us nor the nurses who regularly came out to the house knew that staph had gotten into her blood. Then it got into her spine, so her back was killing her for several days at home. We had to help her out of bed one day, it was so bad. We got her into her wheelchair, and then she thought she could go to the bathroom by herself. Well, we were stupid to let her try. She fell between the toilet and the tub. 2 EMTs, a cop, and like 6 firefighters came to drag her out of the house and ambulance her down to the hospital. On top of the existing back pain, she had a compression fracture from the fall. We found out about all the other stuff then, too.

She was in the hospital for about 2 weeks getting serious IV antibiotics to clear out the infection in her blood. They put a PICC line in for her to continue receiving intravenous antibiotics for 6 more weeks to clear out the infection from her spine. My mom had to fight the staff on multiple occasions to keep them from sending her home. Finally, they sent her to a transitional care unit where she would continue getting the antibiotics and start physical therapy. Except the TCU fucked up her warfarin dosage and made her INR skyrocket to 12. (Her blood was dangerously thin.) She went back to the hospital according to protocol.

Then Sunday, she fell out of bed at the hospital while trying to sit up. The staff were there and apparently witnessed it. Since it was a "gentle" fall and they did an "assessment," they decided not to do imaging of her back. My mom spoke with several people, all but begging them to do imaging of her broken, infected back to see if more damage had been done. One nurse was an absolute bitch to my mom. So she had her brother call to see if they would listen to a Man's Voice. They agreed to it, but then my gramma refused because it hurts too much to lie flat on her back on the hard MRI table. We tried to talk her into it, saying they could give her extra pain meds before starting, but she refused.

So tomorrow, they're going to send her to another TCU to continue antibiotics and PT. But who the fuck knows what happened to her back! The PT will probably do more damage than help, and that's if she even agrees to do the PT. If she refuses, I'm sure they'll kick her out. But we can't take care of her at home with this level of serious injury. My mom and I both work full time to keep the bills paid. My brother is on disability. My gramma has no money. We'd have to send her to a hellhole of a home, and if that happens, she'll resent us to death. Literally, she will just stop caring and die. And I wouldn't blame her! I can't even imagine her pain right now! Mental and physical!

On top of that, our house is falling apart because we are all multiply disabled. I'm immunocompromised and suffering from a severe cold that I picked up from my nephew despite being masked around him at all times. With my immune system, I could get lucky and be better in 1-2 weeks, or it could be 6-8 weeks. I only have 1 day left of PTO, which I have to save for a True Emergency, as if none of this is an emergency. Thankfully, my PTO renews on June 1st, but I have to make it through 7 more days of work like this.

I can't even begin to get into the household dynamics right now, but my mom has ruined her own health and aged 10 years in the past 1.5 years since my brother moved in. She will do anything for him if he asks, no matter how it destroys her. But if I ask for something, she is no longer there for me like she used to be. She racked up credit card debt for my brother and his lawyer for the divorce. She lets his kid come over every weekend, never mind the migraines, meltdowns, and illnesses it has caused me, and she will continue to do so. Even though I no longer have meltdowns and have grown fond of the little guy, he is a danger to my health. (It's not his fault! He's gonna get sick like all kids do, and his mom is an anti-vaxxer.)

I can't move out. I can't afford it, and even though my mom isn't able to be there for me like she used to, she still helps me with some things. (I am autistic and need support.) I love my mom. I resent her for her choices. I fear losing her above all else. She's my best friend. I am angry that she won't take care of herself. I watch her age and decline in health and burst into tears. We've made it through so much together. And somehow, we'll get through this, too, but I am so scared and tired.

[anexperimentallife]

I HATE combination upper/lower respiratory infections. And since it appears to be viral, there's not much point in antibiotics unless I get a secondary bacterial infection. This ON TOP of not being able to have solid food for several more weeks and a mouth full of stitches is just cruel. 😭

I'm so fucking tired. Although I was already disabled (spine injuries, head injury, autism, adhd, osteo- AND rheumatoid arthritis, and so on), my health was at least STABLE until COVID completely fucked my immune system.

Anyway, our focus has had to shift from trying to get back to the US (where I could use my medical benefits) to just trying to keep abreast of medical stuff here so I can like, stay alive and stuff--because it doesn't look like we're going to be able to come up with enough to make that move any time soon.

If you'd like to help out with our medical expenses, please see my pinned post for donation links.

[lightyearssurrogatedaddy]

Actual Skel Anatomy Brainrot

So my posts about magical membranes, vertebrae, teeth and traits was the end of it... right?

Haha LSD you dumb fuck, this is your new hyperfixation for the week.

Kind of long, I did this for fun and I'm not really up-to-date on what everyone's collective hivemind of an opinion is on Skel headcanons, so if I repeat something someone's already said, just be cool that you're hearing the same viewpoint twice:

Yeah

A Skel's body is naturally more resistant to most anti-depressants and pills, which aids them in being one of the least likely monster types to die from illness, but makes them more vulnerable if they do happen to catch a cold. If the virus can get past the immunity system, your Skel is in for a hell of a ride.

It takes longer for a Skel to get drunk or high, when they do it effects their magic. Randomly melting into half-assed attacks (for example; Error would have the problem of constantly pouring sting out his eyes. Someone like Papyrus would unintentionally bluify someone/thing around himself.) which are always harmless.

Magic on medication or stimulant loses its strength and deals less than half the damage it's supposed to, although prescription meds aren't as stat draining as what was listed above.

Becomes harder to control in some cases, if your Skel has a more violent nature their magic might react extremely to aspirin or melatonin. That's the body trying to get rid of the unfamiliar chemicals, and goes about it the same way the personality type of the host does.

Skel's breathe to absorb oxygen, like everyone does, the oxygen is used to put more power for attacks and energy reserves. They can run faster, react quicker, and talk louder. They don't suffer from any side effects without air, and could happily exist in a vacuum. They also use breathing for their vocal cords.

Fun fact: a Skel's bite force is 235PSI, the same as a pitbull's, and can lock their jaws to the same ability when biting into something. Its a leftover trait from a much more primal age, like with humans still having wisdom teeth. (but yk, pitbull-esc strength is way cooler.) So Skels don't have many reasons to bite or maul.

Their teeth keep growing throughout their lives, sometimes if unchecked can result in overgrowth that makes it hard to eat or communicate, similar to 'overgrown beaks' in birds. Normally their teeth are worn down by the common habit of chewing or losing them. Skel's have three sets of teeth, their infant pair, adulters, and backup set.

Other Skel bone facts: there are different types of vertebrae, named after the expands it runs down. But intercross commonly.

Cervical-Thoracic, Thoracic-Lumbar, Cervical-Lumbar, to name a few variations

The two types of vertebrae builds are straight-edge and curved, curved is more likely for Cervical and Thoracic, while straight-edge is typically found further down the spine.

Tailbones! A Skel's tail doesn't get much longer than 6-8 inches, and tucks between the legs most of the time to act as extra membrane protection. It doesn't have the same flexibility of a dog or cat's, so they can't express emotion through it, nor does a tail have enough strength to act as a limb.

When the membrane is broken it'll bleed a thick red liquid, no matter the magic color. Happens frequently, sometimes the bones meant to protect the membrane end up piercing it on accident.

The membrane relies on the soul to repair itself if it gets damaged, if you don't have a soul, you're more likely to severe internal bleeding and gag reflex. Vomiting liquid magic also happens if one tries to absorb magic that isn't theirs, the body treats it like a virus.

Ngl it feels really good to find a cool creature to jump on and explore. Ik some of my bullshit would look strange in canon, but really, I just wanted to have fun and reimagine these characters and their body types. uhhhh ight I think that's it

[lunarsilkscreen]

A few months ago I dislocated my shoulder

If you saw me prior; you can visibly see that my shoulders were tight and unaligned; a doctor prescribed a [Bunk Bed] {so I'm climbing up with my shoulder everyday} probably assisted in dislocating it.

Probably; because it was previously dislocated.

I ended up needing to reset my shoulder myself sitting upside down on hospital therapy chairs.

This has some relation to the diagnosis of Arthritis that I had received, I'm certain of it.

After relocating my shoulder; pain made it hard to move my arm, as I made a makeshift arm sling, to alleviate the pain.

It radiated to my finger tips and my hand was unable to make a fist. And then; a few days later I'm simply left with more evenly balanced shoulders AND a very sore shoulder.

That soreness has propagated across my shoulders and down my back. In the opposite way that [Arthritis] was moving up from my lower back previously.

Right now; they seem to have met in the middle and my middle back is very... Ouch. I do sciatica stretches hourly.

For a month or so I was working out this soreness along with a kink in my neck. By moving my head around as if I was lockpicking my neck. Just back and forth until something interesting happens like a [pop, crack, or click]

Each muscle stranded along my neck seems to be systemically "releasing" along the top of my back, as a muscle next to the previous sore muscle becomes sore and the previous sore muscle "Relaxes" in a way that it seems I've not felt before, or at least, whenever my shoulder thing *started*.

I have better range of motion in my neck now. And every day is a new different [pop or crack] that loses up another sore neck muscle.

And, it seems to have started downward along my spine.

I must make a note right now; I used to be on daily NSAID regimen and a monthly [Humira Injection]. Of which I've stopped both. The former because it didn't seem to be working very well AND wrecking my digestive tract, and Humira because communal Living means I need my immune system in-tact.

So, It's possible that's actually an issue. But we'll see.

They prescribed me [NSAID Gel] to replace the ibuprofen-like I used to take regularly. Using the gel makes my stomache ache and want to throw up; I'm wondering if it's a pavlovian response to having taken NSAIDs every day for the past six-years.

My back muscles are incredibly sore; They feel [Recovery Sore] and not [Fucked up Sore]. Yet without the workout; I wonder if I'm correct in these observations.

What I think is going on;

Something in my musculoskeletal system, especially in my back, screwed up *somewhere*, and it's only recently that my body has started recovering.

Whether that's because of medication changes (especially Anti-Anxiety meds causing a "Hypertension-like" response. [Muscles contracted and right and arms and legs wound tightly like they're about to *spring* into action)

Or whether it's the microdosing of weed.

One thing is certain; while sore, the muscles along my spine and shoulders have better range of motion and the "Millstone" in my neck keeps changing places and following whereever the tight muscles are.

I think my body is going through a month's long recovery process for *something* huge. Or, at least; small enough to have gone unnoticed until now.

It's as if I broke something or went through a major surgery; and my body is still recovering.

An interesting side note; there have been a few *very* interesting clicks in my neck that felt and sounded closer to wet twigs breaking. As opposed to that dry wood "CRACK".

I think they're either muscles or tendons that are softening up. Which may suggest that I was *indeed* dealing with muscle petrifaction. As is how [Anklyosing Spondylitis] seems to work.

Everytime a new *inflamed* spot relaxes, a new bone or muscle or tendon or something falls into its proper place. Very interesting experience.

I certainly hope this pain isn't forever.