#with great white boy of the month privileges comes great responsibility

[winterstellars]

torn between the urge to gatekeep tgc and the desire to see him in more projects... people fancasting him as young haymitch please be careful what you wish for

[innuendostudios]

The first new Alt-Right Playbook since just after the pandemic began. This video was started two and a half years ago, and languished in various states of production through a severe back injury, an ADHD diagnosis, a case of COVID, and the general stress of living in ongoing crises of health and democracy. With the help of guest artist Micael Schuenker Alves and script consultant Isabelle Felix, The Cost of Doing Business is now, finally, public.

My Patreon has taken a hit in the last few years, so, if like this work and can spare some money to keep it coming, please back me on Patreon.

Transcript below the cut.

Say, for the sake of argument, there’s this… call him a “provocateur.” A conservative who makes his living off of being a public figure, saying scandalously evil things in public because controversy = attention and attention = brand recognition. He gets his writing gigs and interviews and guest spots sometimes because people agree with the awful things he says. More often, it’s because he gets views. His economy runs on engagement, and hate-clicks are still clicks.

One revenue stream is speaking engagements. The college campus circuit. Fans at, let’s say, UC Emeryville invite him as a guest lecturer. But UCE is, broadly, a progressive campus, which means his presence would likely provoke a lot of outrage, maybe even a protest.

And a protest would be pretty flippin’ sweet.

Protest means local news coverage. Maybe more than local. Hell, the conservative media machine loves taking stories like this and blowing them up to national importance. If he plays his cards right, he could get his words in front of millions of people instead of just the student body of UC Emeryville. Of course he’s gonna take that gig.

But the progressive students at UCE are wise to his tricks. They’ve seen him pull this stunt at other UC’s - Stockton, Bakersfield, Vacaville - so they make the decision, “We’re not gonna protest. We’re just gonna let him speak. Let the boy stamp his feet. And, in a month, no one will even remember he was here.”

As the date approaches, and the provocateur sees he’s not getting the response he wants, he starts hinting things on social media, trying to bait a reaction: “Psst, psst. Hey. I’m gonna make jokes about the Holocaust. I’m gonna say Americans treated their slaves well.” Nothing. So he ups the ante. Makes it personal. “I’m gonna put up pre-transition photos of your trans students. I’m gonna out the queer students I’ve seen on Grindr. I’m gonna name which of your students I think are illegal immigrants.”

Student body’s like, “Bro, do your worst. Nobody’s falling for it.” Until one student’s like, “Hold up… he’s gonna dox immigrants in front of his audience of white nationalist gun nuts… and we’re just gonna let him? You know some of his fans were in Charlottesville, right?”

What we’re seeing here is a game of chicken between one group of white conservative reactionaries and one group of - let’s be honest - mostly white liberals, for whom the stakes are who gets paid attention to. The provocateur doesn’t have the ammunition nor the optics to attack privileged liberals directly, so he pokes and prods at various social minorities whom privileged liberals are supposed to care about until he gets a reaction. Going after people of color is a pure Xanatos gambit for his fans - either they get a protest and a national audience hears their reactionary rhetoric, or there’s no protest and they get to fuck with some immigrants. And, because white liberals are largely ignorant to the threat posed to those immigrants, white liberals are not great at assessing the full scope of the danger. Often enough, this remains, to them, an argument about ideas and principles. To them, they are but words. (Until someone gets hit by a car or shot and then it’s “who could have predicted?”)

The provocateur’s animating force is not hatred of people of color, it’s hatred of white liberals, just as white liberals’ animating force is less advocacy for people of color than moral victory over conservatives. Neither side acknowledges people of color as entities in this fight; they’re viewed as tools for getting white people what they want, and their suffering is viewed as an “acceptable” byproduct. You’ve maybe heard the phrase, “In the game of patriarchy, women are not the opposing team, they are the ball.” Well, in the game of imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, minorities are not the opposing team, they are the cars, store windows, and newspaper kiosks that get wrecked when the home team loses. Or when the home team wins. It’s the Eagles Fan view of oppression.

And, make no mistake: weaponizing or disregarding students of color is still racism. But it’s racism of a kind most white people have trouble recognizing - or, to speak with a sharper edge, that white people often refuse to acknowledge. From the white provocateur who does not hate minorities directly but is willing to utilize the hatred of others to get what he wants from some white people - who says “I will hurt them a lot just to hurt you a little” - to the white liberal who does mental gymnastics to not come out and say “that is a Black and Brown sacrifice I’m willing to make,” racism is not always a passion. But it is tolerable. Usable. Easy to disregard.

In a white supremacist world, it is the cost of doing business.

Let me make it clear: nothing about this is okay.

Now, the weaponizing of minority suffering is employed against many minoritized groups - I could be making this video about transphobia or homophobia, and, while many details would differ… I wouldn't even have to change my intro. Samuel R. Delany (yeah, yeah, take a shot) argues that misogyny is the oldest bigotry, and, therefore, the model on which all other bigotries are based. I’m focusing on institutional racism as my chief example, first, because this is America and the cup runneth over; second, because, in the 2016 election, the greatest indicator a person was going to vote Republican, more strongly correlated than being registered as a Republican, was racist sentiments; and, third, because racism is a fundamental building block of fascism and a primary means of sowing discord on the Left, but we’ll get to that.

I am going to curb my reflex to try and make every Alt-Right Playbook some kind of definitive statement; I do not have the last word on American racism. If you want to hear about American racism from the people who experience it, here’s a book. Here’s five books. What I bring to the table is: I have, at this point, several decades’ experience being white. And, in trying to explicate white supremacy, it is sometimes worthwhile to look at it from the inside. So my focus will be: What does whiteness mean to white people?

American racial discourse has four principle (white) characters.

On the far right end, you’ve got the guy white people picture when they hear the word “racist”: your klansman, your neo-Nazi skinhead, your suit-and-tie ethnonationalist. This guy knows he’s a racist and he’s proud of it.

Next to the white supremacist, you’ve got the white collaborator; the politician, public figure, or businessman who does not agree with the white supremacist “on paper” but will seek out their votes, attention, or money.

Next to the collaborator, you’ve got the white moderate: people who ostensibly believe in racial justice as an end goal, and are somewhat committed to bringing it about, but only with the cooperation of the white collaborator. It wouldn’t be fair to do it without their consent, you see, and thus the white moderate spends a lot less time opposing collaborators than “appealing to their better natures.” They tend to operate on behalf of people of color rather than with them.

Plainly put, the “Cost of Doing Business” maneuver is this group [collaborators] using this group [racists] to attack this group [moderates] using people of color as their weapon of choice. It is white supremacy in the form of three groups of white people fighting amongst themselves.

Finally, on the far opposite end, you’ve got the honest-to-goodness anti-racist. Where the racist will support white supremacy, and the collaborator uphold white supremacy, and the moderate seek to reform white supremacy, only the anti-racist is trying to get rid of it. And even they are not free from racial bias! And, if you tell one of them “you are not free from racial bias,” it’s not guaranteed they will react well! It’s just, if you’re trying to fight white supremacy, they’re the white folks you have the best odds with.

Now, this little chorus line is not how white people typically frame the situation. We usually think of racism as binary: there are racists, and there are non-racists. In that framing, the provocateur is someone whose allegiance we get to debate. He willingly sacrifices people of color without personally hating them; does that count as #racism? This “debate” lasts approximately the rest of your goddamn life, which should be evidence enough that the frame is wanting.

In today’s framing, there are several shades of racism and there is anti-racism. There is no “non-.”

Now, before we map the choreography of how these four types interact, first a quick note on how most white people think about whiteness. Short answer: whenever possible, they prefer not to.

Whiteness in America: is it vanilla? No, it’s fior di latte. Nothing but milk and sugar. Where non-whites are flavors, we are the base. In the same way one does not hear one’s own accent; British people have accents, but we speak English "normal-like." If you haven’t built your whole identity around being white, you probably don’t think about your whiteness very often, and perhaps even feel uncomfortable when one points it out. For it is the white experience to passively, unconsciously conceive of oneself as a kind of raceless default.

This is privilege. Indeed, this is part of what makes privilege privilege: it’s the identity that’s treated as a norm. The one you don’t have to think about. A movie with an all-white cast is widely perceived as being no way about race. But that’s not true of one with an all-Black cast.

Identities being treated as defaults makes institutional racism difficult to understand, even for well-meaning white people. “How can I be racist if I don’t identify as a racist? How could I be part of a group I never opted into?” It sounds like racism without racists. But let us reflect a moment: would “a group one never opted into” not describe a minority? People don’t choose to be gay. And, while people also don’t choose to be straight, being straight is “normal.” People don’t “come out” as straight, or have complex codes for signalling heterosexuality (that they’ll admit to, at least); in lieu of other evidence, straightness is presumed. But if people clock you as gay - or even think they’ve clocked you as gay - then you stand out from the background. It makes you more visible, where the appearance of straightness makes you less so. Makes you “the everyman.”

Of the many identities one may have, at any given time on any given axis there is typically only one default, whose rules operate differently to the rest. The more of these “normal” identities one has, the more accustomed one is to being the default. The idea is foreign that people might group one not by how one thinks of oneself, but by how one is perceived and by how one impacts others. It gets hard to fathom that, any more than whether or not a light-skinned Mexican gets to be white is up to them, whether or not you fit the definition of racist isn’t up to you. The boundaries are not policed from the inside.

So! Okay. Going again from right to left: this is where we find the titular Alt-Right. What’s novel about the suit-and-tie ethnonationalist is how they break from the iconography of racism. Their goal, like that of many racist people, is to attack and oppress people of color, but in such a way that the white establishment will let them get away with it. The average white person’s shorthand for a racist is still primarily the klansman and the neo-Nazi; respectively, a rural, working-class white nationalism and an urban, working class white nationalism. The Alt-Right is the gentrification of white nationalism. Their pocket squares and MBAs and $90 haircuts short out the white moderate’s brain because they still associate white supremacy with white trash. Racism is worse than evil, it’s common. It’s why they insist reactionary conservatism is propped up by the white working class in flyover states despite all evidence to the contrary. The Alt-Right can’t be as bad as everyone says, because who ever heard of a racist going to Harvard? (Harvard.)

The Alt-Right bridges the gap between white nationalism and the rest of white culture, using class signifiers to gain access to the political and social capital of the more mainstream collaborator and getting the moderate to treat them not as someone to be ignored but someone to bargain with in good faith.

The collaborator finds value in this relationship because, regardless of one’s position on it, racism works. A police officer may not be personally racist, but, when it’s the end of the month and they need to hand out a few more tickets to make quota, it’s safest to do so in a low-income neighborhood where the average driver can’t make their life hell by hiring a lawyer, and, due to decades of racist redlining, most low-income neighborhoods are disproportionately Black and Latine, sooo… And a prison warden may not be personally racist, but racist white people are approved by jury selection more often than people who think the justice system is racist, so Black and Latine people are the easiest to jail and private prisons get more funding when they’re full, sooo… And a conservative politician may not be personally racist, but Black and Latine people predominantly vote Democrat, and, since they’re disproportionately imprisoned, if the politician denies convicts the right to vote, they are more likely to get reelected, sooo…

Now, these people frequently are self-identified, card-carrying racists. My point is, for this system of incentives and rewards to operate, they don’t have to be. Any of them may, but none of them must. Racism exists and it’s efficient. And, in a capitalist society, where cops are competing for promotions, private prisons are competing for contracts, and politicians are competing for votes, if an unethical behavior sees a higher return than the alternative… then ethics are a luxury. There are hundreds of examples of businesses that claim, in periods of prosperity, that they prefer to do what is right over what is profitable. But what tune do they play when prosperity ends? Every boom has a bust - since 1900, the US has spent one out of every four years in recession. And, in the lean season, not using this generations-old system built by white people to advantage their descendents is a liability. A values-based business typically goes one of three ways: compromising their values to stay competitive, getting bought by someone who compromised their values to stay competitive, or sticking to their guns and facing a higher risk of going out of business. Many choose to do the right thing, and some even survive. But that’s beating the odds. The market trends toward the optimal strategy.

No one ever went broke appealing to the ignorance of white people.

The collaborator treating nonwhite suffering as the cost of doing business also works rhetorically. The average conservative citizen doesn’t know anything about the Syrian Civil War, but they know the refugee crisis is something the Left seems to care about. So demonizing refugees is mutually beneficial for pundits and politicians who want to rally their base by spiting liberals and for white supremacists who want to mainstream racism against Arabs. The average conservative citizen doesn’t understand epidemiology, but they don’t want to blame their own party for letting a million die of COVID. So calling it “the Chinese virus” is mutually beneficial for pundits and politicians who want to deflect blame onto a foreign nation and for white supremacists who want to mainstream racism against Asians.

Yet, despite their blatancy in collaborating with white supremacists, and having eerily similar goals to white supremacists, the collaborator maintains that they are, themself, “non-racist.” Their decades of opposing affirmative action, right to assembly, police reform, fair voting efforts, redistricting, funding for public schools, prisoner’s rights, religious tolerance, shutting down Guantanamo, accessibility for non-English speakers, immigration, investment in low-income neighborhoods, decolonizing school curricula, Indigenous People’s Day, putting Harriet Tubman on the twenty, kneeling, ending the drug war, or withdrawing from the Middle East are framed as problems of implementation. “We agree with the aim of closing the racial wealth gap, just not like this. We agree with the aim of Latin-Americans entering the country, just not like this. We agree with the aim of peaceful protest, just not like this.”

And, if we on the Left are to ask, how exactly are we supposed to get this without this, oh, coming up with that solution? That’s our job. And, if it’s not getting done? It’s because we haven’t come up with a solution they like yet. And probably what they don’t like about our solutions is that we implied the problem was racism. “Yes, white people are over-represented in dozens of industries nationwide, but have you considered that it’s a fluke? Pitch me a solution for it being a fluke.” The Collaborator’s white supremacy exists in the negative space. They agree racism exists, they agree we should oppose it, but they disagree that any individual thing you’re talking about is an example of it. Getting a Republican to identify an actual incident of systemic racism is like trying to point at your shadow with a flashlight.

And it’s reasonable to ask, Jesus, how far can these guys push the envelope before the rest of the establishment calls them what they are? But, if you’re waiting for the moment a white moderate agrees mainstream conservatism has done something unacceptably and unequivocally racist, you’re underestimating how long white people can equivocate.

There’s a lot to say about the white moderate. And I’m about to be that lefty who expends as many words complaining about liberals as he does fascists, but, look: as much as this series is about the tactics of the Far Right, it is at least as much about how the Center Left is susceptible to them… and complicit.

So, okay. When Democrats lose an election, what happens with the white, liberal, pundit class? Well, there’s suddenly a lot of chatter about how to talk to your racist uncle over Thanksgiving, about how liberals in red states can contact their representatives, about the value of debate. “This is our fault,” they say. “We let this happen because we didn’t have enough conversations with white conservatives.” You hear a lot more of that than talk about how the gutting of the Voting Rights Act cost a lot of the Left the right to vote, and what could be done to guarantee their representation in the next election. In fact, you hear more about how that kind of talk is alienating to the white conservatives who supported gutting the Voting Rights Act, about how reaching across the aisle is gonna mean easing off race talk, at least for now. POC representation is quickly reframed as a critical long-term goal, but, in the present moment, while we are competing for elected office, guaranteeing the minority vote is a luxury.

What’s prioritized is that the people who suppressed the Black vote in order to win elections not be made to feel that they are racist.

Because, I mean, what if they genuinely believe the Voting Rights Act unfairly targets Southern states? Or even if - and I’m saying if here - they did do it to suppress votes, if hurting Black people isn’t their goal, and they’re just trying to win elections, is that really “racist?” 

Moderates are very cagey about breaking out the R-word for a fellow white person.

See, there’s this other definition of racism that most white people learn in grade school: racism is when you say mean things to other kids about skin color and it hurts their feelings; racism is about cruelty. And harm done by white people, therefore, isn't racism if isn’t cruel; it’s merely ignorant. Or apathetic. But ignorance and apathy can be reasoned with; you just gotta sit down and hash it out. As long as it takes. Real white supremacy is about emotional distress or interpersonal violence; it’s uncommon, it’s unpopular, and it’s a hearts and minds issue.

What this definition leaves out is any notion that white supremacy is about power. That white people who disavow racism still live longer, get paid better, get arrested less often, and are typically in position to negotiate with whomever’s in power. That this society was built for The Everyman, and being The Everyman confers power upon you.

When children of white moderates get older and first brush up against this definition, wherein white supremacy is not small but all-encompassing, where it can be cruel, but is at least as often indifferent, and where every white person in the country is bound up in it and privileged by it whether they want to be or not, and will never, ever experience it themselves - where it’s not about feelings but power - how often do they say, “oh, maybe the definition I grew up with was simplified for 9-year-olds”?; or, “oh, maybe the definition given to me by white grown-ups was less complete than the one a Black grown-up might’ve given”? And how often do they say, “you can’t just redefine racism?”

Right out the gate, the white moderate is possessive not just of their whiteness but of the very definition of racism.

In the definition they know, racism exists only over here. And the white collaborator is a compatriot who shares their ultimate vision for the future, but has simply gone off course somewhere. And they don’t see themselves as flawed individuals with a long way still to go; they’ve already arrived! They’re the destination everyone else needs to get to! Living proof that white supremacy can be easily and painlessly opted out of. They can’t see collaborators as opponents because there is no definition of white supremacy that includes collaborators and doesn’t also include them.

And this is critically important: they don’t want to start thinking of themselves as white. They don’t want the constant awareness of one’s race or how one’s race is perceived – you know, the things the rest of humanity deals with. And who would want that? I’ll tell you who wants that: Nazis and klansmen want that. They’re the only ones who like thinking about whiteness every day. So, white moderates cling to the other definition, the comfortable one. They may be more or less willing to collaborate with people of color, but mostly in ways that don’t foreground their whiteness. White-as-default is one concession that can never be made, in part because it’s the one that can’t be spoken.

Their ideal is a kind of Big-Tent Antiracism, where victory comes by winning over reactionary conservatives. This might strike you as odd, given that reactionary conservatives have seen many victories in the last twenty years, none of which came by winning over us. White supremacists bolster their numbers by finding little, disgruntled pockets of America that have not, heretofore, engaged much in politics and radicalizing them to the cause, and then pitching themselves to white collaborators as a demographic now large enough to sway a narrow election. If moderates wanted to counter this strategy, they might look at who out there is sympathetic to progressive causes but isn’t voting, maybe because they don’t feel liberal candidates represent them, or maybe because someone just happened to shut down all the polling locations in their neighborhood. And, you know, mathematically, there’s probably a lot more disenfranchised people of color who match that description than racist white people who aren’t already Republicans.

But that strategy would mean doubling down on anti-racist talking points instead of easing off of them. It would mean a willingness to alienate some white people. It’s… giving up on them. It’s admitting a significant percentage of American whiteness is not on the side of racial equity. It means there’s a definition of racism where it isn’t fringe, but common and pervasive, and where addressing it requires thinking about their place in it. It means asking why they feel more affinity for white people who oppose them than people of color they claim to agree with. Why the votes of the former have to be earned but the latter are expected. And, since all that seems intolerable, they fixate on the kinds of gestures that feel like moving in the right direction but run very little risk of arriving anywhere. “How about, instead of defunding the police, we give them more money than any Administration in years, but, also, Juneteenth is a national holiday now. Something for everyone!”

The Left has the numbers to leave behind white centrists who slow down anti-racist efforts, and it doesn’t because white moderates don’t want to. They and the white collaborators are supposed to be in this together, and they are… just not in the way they think.

The irony is that the Right feels no affinity for white moderates whatsoever. They hate - and I mean haaaaate - white moderates. Smug pricks always talking about unity whenever they win an election. “Reach across the aisle?” That's what you say when you’ve lost and you want the other guys to make concessions they don’t have to make—you don’t do it when you’re in power! Are they trying to humiliate us, or did we really lose to a bunch of clowns who don’t even know how to win right? Debasing themselves in front of minorities just to get their votes when they clearly aren’t going to do anything real for them. Christ, at least white supremacists are honest!

The Right will threaten POC sometimes just to call the white moderates’ bluff.

Racism must be understood as more than a set of individual beliefs and feelings, but as a tool for achieving political ends, first and foremost because claiming otherwise is both factually and morally wrong. But also, without this understanding, white culture can’t recognize the stakes.

Fascism exists in a state of permanent conflict. Things like declaring an indefinite state of martial law, suspending elections, or executing members of government, are justified on the grounds that the people are in danger and need to be protected and mobilized. This isn’t unique to fascism: between the Cold War, the War on Drugs, and the War on Terror, the US has been in some form of ongoing conflict for the last three generations, but: you’ll note the Cold War didn’t end on a battlefield, it ended when the Soviet Union collapsed in on itself. Communism, terrorism, and drug dealing are patterns of behavior, and they wax and wane, often for reasons outside our control. Geopolitics may someday shift such that terrorism becomes less prevalent, or that lowers the demand for drugs.

Communism can be fought with diplomacy and economic sanctions because communists can choose not to be communists anymore. And fascists have no use for soft power. To justify a military dictatorship, they need an opponent that won’t just go away on its own one day. It always come back to identity politics because Black people can’t stop being Black; theirs is a number that will not be reduced without the hard power of violence and displacement.

Fascism begins by stealing populist targets from the Left: they focus on elites, corrupt businessmen, weak-willed politicians, subtly shifting focus away from leftist critique of systems to types of people. But, sooner or later, they settle on something unchangeable: race, gender, ethnicity, religious background. The bigotry is localized to the region’s existing prejudices: in Nazi Germany, it was Jews, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Roma, Slavs, Black people, queer people, and people with disabilities; in fascist Italy, it was Slovenes until Mussolini invaded Libya and Ethiopia and so demonized their citizens as well; in the US, the Klan and the American Nazi Party targeted African-Americans, Jews, and Catholics, queer people, and immigrants; Spain under Franco tried to determine the exact racial makeup of the Spanish people so they could cast out those with the “wrong mixture of bloods.”

This is why the Far Right has gone all in on transphobia of late, by the way. It has joined Islamophobia on the outer rim of acceptable bigotries. On some level they know trans folks aren’t just cis people in disguise, that desistance is rare and conversion therapy doesn’t work, because it trans people could just stop being trans… they never would have picked them for an enemy.

This is where it starts. This is why you should have no patience for anyone saying “wokeness is dividing the Left, we should focus on class.” They’re not attacking us on class. They’re trying to sell themselves as better on class than we are. Where do you think that fairy tale about “blue-collar whites” comes from? They want you to believe that they, and not the socialists, are the path forward for the downtrodden. There’s a reason fascism started popping up all over Europe right after the Russian Revolution; Mussolini got his start beating up socialists in the Po Valley, on the grounds that he was defending not wealthy elites but struggling rural farmers who didn’t like the socialist takeover of their industry during the biennio rosso. The fascist goal is to harness and redirect class resentment towards a scapegoat. They come at us on identity. It always comes down to the shape of the human skull.

When a provocateur shows up on a college campus to talk about “ideas,” it’s not a debate. There’s no special sequence of words that will defeat them [expecto patronum gif]. This is a show of dominance. They are presenting themselves as white compatriots to be reasoned with rather than agents of white supremacy to be opposed. In that framing, the stakes are attention, the weapons are words, and people of color are not players but tokens on the game board. And they are checking whether you will submit to that structure.

They don’t care about ideas. They care about power.

And power is what beats them. They tell you four hundred people showing up in protest is just free news coverage. But when four thousand show up? They cancel. That’s power. And, in absolute numbers, most events they can’t rustle up four thousand supporters, but we can, provided cishet non-disabled white dude lefties (like myself) haven’t told all the Right’s biggest targets their struggles don’t matter. (And, it’s worth mentioning, cops fuck with protesters less when some of them are white.)

(It’s also worth mentioning racism affects 58% of the working poor, so there can be no class solidarity that doesn’t address it.)

This [white moderate] isn’t who needs to win. This [POC] is who needs to win, and, if you’re white, you need to be over here [antiracist]. I’ve collected as many resources as I can find by POC on what they need and want from white allies, and put them in the down-there part. There’s a plurality of opinions on this, so I recommend reading more than one. It may not always be a four-thousand-strong protest; every direct action is unique, and must be strategized in concert with the people most affected.

But what I can tell you is, when business gets done, white folks need to split the check. A movement cannot be antifascist if it isn’t antiracist.

[neovisioned]

♡ꜜ cupid victorious﹫jaehyun jung

pairing : jaehyun x reader (f) ft. doyoung, jungwoo, yukhei, mark, taeyong and sicheng as the six other cupids, quick mention of seventeen’s jeonghan as jaehyun’s old tutor and red velvet’s joy as the reader’s close friend.

genre : angst, fluff, another smut with too much plot, cupid!jaehyun, soulmate!au, strangers to friends to lovers.

warnings : slow burn, one protected sex scenes, two unprotected sex scenes (as always, stay safe in real life) : heavy making out, dirty talk, body worship, praising, nipple play, penetration, marking, cock warming, morning sex, shower sex, manhandling, degradation, oral (make receiving), face fucking, creampie, fingering, overstimulation, heavy making out in an elevator, they can’t keep their hands off of each other at some point, mentions of sexting (again, in real life know the precautions to take before sending anything risqué) and non descriptive masturbation scene, car sex, semi-public sex, grinding, oral (female receiving), tongue fucking, edging, hair pulling, slight ass play, mention of spanking, slight impreg kink and cum play. 

word count : +26,5k

synopsis: where Jung Jaehyun is one of the seven cupids, one for each continent, and he truly, deeply loves what he does for the small people on planet earth. there isn’t any competition between him and his six other brothers, but most would agree that he’s the best cupid among them. and yet, he’s been stuck on a case for a bit too long now. down on the pretty blue planet, is you. equally as pretty, Jaehyun has to say, yet it seems his arrows aren’t working on you. being a hard-working and pretty stubborn cupid, he decides to take a trip downtown to get to know you better and why exactly, are his arrows not working like they’re supposed to. things don’t go as planned, especially when you take interest in him. 

a/n: please read this i just, this lowkey means a lot to me, this isn’t proofread and, peep my weak attempt at giving jaehyun pink eyes, this takes place in seoul. taglist : @coffeeofmine​, @mailuvsnct​, @junguws​, @suhweo​, @suhfluffy​, @animegirl366​, @ceruleanskies​, @the-universe-in-you-jjh

Jaehyun loves what he does. He wouldn’t even dare call it a job, rather, a vocation, a strong feeling that he was meant for this. The young men had been trained to become one of the seven Cupids when the old ones retired for other adventures. The legend says the old Cupids are eventually reborn on Earth for a more ordinary life after their service on Olympus. He also remembers being taught by the previous Cupid of the continent he was assigned to, a young-looking men with graceful and delicate features, long greyish hair that matched his silver bow. 

Quickly, he learned that Jeonghan - his tutor at the time - was somewhat a vicious Cupid. He knew how to make his job even more fun, taking young Jaehyun alongside him for adventures he could then brag about to the six other apprentices. The brunette remembers watching as his eldest shot arrows at two strangers, two best friends, two rivals, even. But never, never did he let Jaehyun touch one of his arrows, he was only allowed to watch from the high pedestal of a fluffy cloud, or draped in a soft sheet of invisibility. 

Out of the seven continents, Europe was given to Taeyong. One of the smallest, but prettiest, the Cupids all agreed. Taeyong was a cupid with sharp features, hair as red as his beloved bow. After travelling in every country and city, he, himself, fell in love with Paris without the need of any arrows. Taeyong eventually ended up making too many people fall in love in this very city after staying there a bit too much.

Mark, one of the youngest Cupids, was assigned to North America. What a huge continent for such a small frame, was what Jaehyun thought when they were first assigned. But, the brunette had to admit, Mark grew up a lot, Jaehyun didn’t have a single doubt that he had the shoulders for it now more than ever. The young men had a lot of fun with his blue bow, that’s for sure, and he made sure to tell every juicy story at the end of the day with the same contagious smile. 

South America was given to Yukhei. Another with sharp features who was more than happy to oblige. The Cupid was adventurous, loved going to secluded areas and learning more, loved a good sunbath after a day of work when he had the time. His green bow never had a chance to rest, though, it’s like he had a competition with Taeyong on who could shoot more arrows in a week.

Australia was Doyoung’s. The smallest continent, but that’s how the men liked it. He knew the entire country like the back of his hand, he even had his favorite spots, the black-haired could even walk in the streets like a normal citizen at times, without his invisibility spell. Doyoung was quite the careful Cupid with his silver bow, he liked to take his time with his decisions, a privilege few cupids had. 

Sicheng was in charge of Africa, oh how he loved how diverse the continent was. His favourite part was going to the small islands, he truly was living his best life, yellow bow shining under the burning sun. He too, has some interesting stories to tell, though he was extremely busy too.

Antarctica was Jungwoo’s. Needless to say, he didn’t really like it at first. At best 4,000 people during the summer, but Jungwoo finally found something good about it. He knew everyone, or almost. Sure, he didn’t use his black bow as much as everyone else, but he didn’t mind. He could even visit Yukhei every now and then, just to annoy him right before he had to shoot an arrow. 

And finally, Asia. This one was Jaehyun’s. What a huge responsibility for the young men. But, he accepted the biggest continent without a complaint. The brunette travelled the continent from north to south, east to west. His golden bow rarely caught some rest, Jaehyun was rather quick to shoot. 

And, when the time came for Jaehyun and his six friends, that he called his six brothers, to become the new generation of Cupids, he was nothing other than filled with joy. Joy and excitement, maybe a little bit of anxiety at the responsibility but, they all had been waiting for this moment.

It was five years ago, five years since he finally was able to take his bow in hand, pink irises shining with excitation as he accepted the great responsibility, fingers running over the sharp arrows. After years, months, weeks and days of learning how to match people together, become the perfect, invisible matchmaker. 

Strangely enough, it seemed humans managed to grasp the grand concept of their work pretty well. On his first day with Jeonghan, Jaehyun learned about Roman mythology’s Cupid and Greek mythology’s Eros, and how humans thought it was one immortal men handling the entire job, shooting a single arrow, making that person fall in love with the first individual they saw.  The brunette found this depiction rather funny, some differences were notable. Obviously, it wasn’t a one men job. Yes, the seven boys were pretty fast, but they wouldn’t ever be able to work with even one of them missing. They didn’t have one arrow, they actually had four different arrows : same heart-shaped at the end, different colors, different purposes. 

The first one was quite innocent, an open door for mistakes, it was the first many Cupids used. A bronze arrow meant for crushes.  The second one was what humans knew about. Silver, it was meant for love, be it for a serious relationship or not.  The third, was one every Cupid used often too, but with caution. The soulmate arrow was a golden arrow, eye-catching and almost dangerous looking. Cupids used this one when they knew two people were soulmates. Sometimes, they never used it on someone, and other times, they used it multiple times on an individual. 

The last one, every Cupid hated using at first. Dark, black, the “heartbreak” arrow. Jaehyun thought the name wasn’t so appropriate after all, it’s less radical than it sounds. It’s an arrow used to make people lose feelings. Because with time, Cupids learn that humans need a bit of a broken heart, need to fall out of love to move on to better things. 

Ask about the ceremony, the seven Cupids remember it like it happened yesterday. An entire night, from dusk until dawn, starting with the old cupids reciting the thousand years old speech they, themselves, heard when they became the new generation.  Every Cupid was called with their assigned continent, tutor handing them a bow, one by one, each a different color. Finally, when all the new seven Cupids were aligned, seven white arrows were shot in Olympus’ sky, leaving a pretty trail behind them, before eventually falling on earth. Yet another tradition, the legend says that whoever gets touched by this arrow will be one of the next Cupid. 

The night was attended by almost all the Gods and Goddesses, filled with songs, wine and nectar, gifts to get the Cupids’ good favors. Jaehyun remembers looking down on earth by the end of the night with a sense of pride and excitement.  That night was also the last time Jaehyun saw Jeonghan, the last time their tutors were seen on Olympus. As wine and nectar stopped flowing, two generations of Cupids went to sleep and only one remained, the oldest vanishing without a sound, without a trace. 

It was quite a sad sight, fourteen became seven, but Asia’s cupid knew he’d eventually come across his old tutor one day, living like a normal human, oblivious and amnesic to the adventures he had and loved to tell up in Olympus.  Jaehyun would recognize him in a second, and he swore he’d look over him like Jeonghan did. 

Jaehyun taps his fingers on his golden bow, itching to shoot an arrow again. It’s been a bit too long since he shot the last one, and he’s getting bored. On his pedestal, the Cupid looks down on earth with half-closed eyes, longing for something exciting to happen already.  No matter where his eyes land, what country, what city he decided to look over, it seems that his instincts aren’t kicking in, his instincts aren’t letting him know that his arrows could be useful. 

Minutes feel like hours for the brunette, but it seems the Gods and Goddesses heard his silent complains and bend to his needs, eyebrows raising as his pupils finally catch an interesting situation.

“Ah, finally.”, breathes Asia’s Cupid. Leaning in, his eyes take in the scene. In a gym, he doesn’t take long to find whoever sparked his interest. You. 

Hair attached in a ponytail, sweaty forehead, you’re in the middle of an intense workout session. By your side, it seems you have a coach, helping you with some gestures, shouting some encouraging words Jaehyun doesn’t really care to listen to.  Jaehyun has seen a lot of people, thousands a day, maybe more, who knows. But the Cupid himself has to say, you’re pretty. 

Though, the brunette is a professional Cupid. Or at least, he likes to think he is. This said, he doesn’t stay stuck looking at your figure, pink irises focused on the men next to you, going back and forth, detailing the situation.  As a Cupid, Jaehyun quickly understands that you need a little bit of love in your life, something to spice things up. Ask him to explain, he’ll tell you he can’t. Again, it’s pure instinct, with a bit of analyzing. Cupids usually feel when an arrow could be used on someone, and then, instinct and some thinking help them decide on the arrow to use. Usually, it doesn’t take more than a few seconds, Cupids just know when something is only meant to be a simple crush, when love is involved, or when things are simply meant to be. 

A pout forms on his lips, this wasn’t the most interesting case he had, but it could do. 

Now that the Cupid thinks about it, he had a thing for making strangers fall into each other’s arms, but he loved, absolutely loved, helping people cross the blurry line between hatred and love. Jaehyun has a few favorite stories, like the one time he made a prince and a trader fall in love, or the cliché college enemies finally giving in. But hélas, these stories didn’t happen every day, Jaehyun told himself as he grabbed his bow, arrow ready, string tense. 

A bronze arrow, one that will only make a crush bloom in your heart, that’s the one Jaehyun chose for you, your coach wasn’t the one for you, he could feel it. 

The Cupid did it hundreds of times a day, he didn’t have to think much about it. The brunette had the habit of closing an eye, making sure he had a good view and, without thinking too much, Jaehyun shot his arrow. 

And just like that, Jaehyun’s job for the day was done. 

A hot cup of black tea in your hand, you groan as Sooyoung swipes right on yet another picture you didn’t even get the chance to look at. Nice. Your friend had been asking, almost begging you to finally get on Tinder. And, after much convincing, you agreed, not knowing what you got yourself into. The red-haired didn’t waste a second to grab your phone, swiping left and right while barely letting you judge by yourself the people she was virtually matching you with. 

Pictures were moving left and right, left, left, right, faces blending into each other, not a single bio catching your attention. Crazy how many people like the same few hobbies, how bland description can make you dizzy overtime. You were too tired to focus on the handful of people Sooyoung was making you look at anyways. After an entire day of work, and a full session of workout, all you could do was hum more or less loudly, hoping your close friend could translate your vibrations into yes and no’s. 

“Fuck, you’re out.”, she interjects. It manages to catch your attention a bit more, lifting your eyes from the brownish liquid. Out ? Out of what.  “What if you payed for more swipes ?”, your friend taunts. Judging your reaction, her head rolls back, trying to get a good look at you with her head on your lap, finger dangerously hovering over the payment wall on the screen. 

“Oh no, no way I’m paying for that !”, you mumble with a tired voice, almost knocking your drink out of your hand as you grab your phone. No way you’d pay for something like that anytime soon. 

“Y/N, c’mon !”

You know Sooyoung so well you don’t need to see her face to picture her rolling her eyes at you. For the past month or so, your friend had been trying to get you on dates, without much success, unfortunately. See, if Sooyoung was quite with her time, not having a problem with finding dates after dates via dating apps, you on the other hand, didn’t feel the same. Maybe you were too romantic for your generation, but you still found it really hard to get with the entire meeting via social media thing.

“You know I’ll delete that as soon as you leave, right ?”, you tell her again, quickly closing the application before locking your phone, an audible sigh from your friend as the background noise. 

“Uh, alright, at least I tried.”, the red-headed tells herself, finally moving from your legs that were starting to get numb under her body. But, it doesn’t take long for her to lash onto yet another possibility the second after. “And what about your coach ?” 

A frown takes over your features, your mouth a thin line you hide behind your cup. The tea’s still hot, the sugary liquid burns down your throat and you take the opportunity to think a bit more about her words. 

Your coach, you never really thought about him in that way. You also never thought about him out of the gym setting, actually. But, now that you did, you had to admit that he was a good looking person. And, you did notice his new haircut today, undercut making his figure look cleaner.  Then again, you saw him often, but when he saw you, you were always sweaty and out of breath. You also realized that you associated his name and face to the not-so-pleasant body aches you had every time you left the gym. Strangely, your right arm was always a bit more sore-. 

“Nah.”, you finally respond, catching a drop of tea threatening to fall down your chin. And, by the looks of it, Sooyoung really thought something could spark with how long you took to respond. The young girl can only scoff, mumbling something under her breath, scrolling on her phone and you can only guess she’s trying to find one guy she met once in college five years ago that she can maybe present to you. 

And you guessed right, after a few minutes, she turns her phone towards you, the brightness a bit too much for your half-closed eyes. An Instagram picture on her phone shows you another guy with red, long hair. Half of it is tied in a bun, the other half falls in front of his sharp eyes in a curtain of bangs. From his caption, it seems he’s Japanese, or at least can speak it. 

“Nice hair.”, you simply tell her, hoping she’d drop the subject, but obviously, Sooyoung doesn’t. The young girl looks at the picture once again, a fake frown on her face as she gestured to her own hair. “I’m actually, CEO of the company.” 

“You’re one hard case, Y/N.”, your close friend finally concludes, after facing your silence for a few seconds. You can’t believe her, she starts scrolling again, determined look on her face. You really find it heartwarming, how she’s trying to help you find love even when you act the way you do. You didn’t even tell her why you disregarded the red-haired men, she already knew you were a stubborn, hopeless romantic, views tinted and distorted by years of romance novels and cheesy movies. 

“Sooyoung, you’re not the Cupid you think you are.” 

Yet another day in the somewhat mundane yet exciting world of Cupids. Jaehyun wouldn’t have it any other way, though, or at least, he thinks so. On his little pedestal, the cupid takes a sip of his nectar.  On the soft cloud, his foot kicks at the fluffy texture, watching as it dissolves in the wind. It’s right in the middle of the day for Asia’s Cupid, he already shot a lot of arrows, a few soulmate arrows and had just been the invisible witness of a forbidden love blooming, something he could tell the other cupids about tonight. 

Jaehyun finds himself looking over your city again, it’s something he does a lot. The young men doesn’t have a favorite city, he can’t put Tokyo, Seoul, Shanghai and other cities against each other, but he does like Korea’s capital quite a bit. Cherry trees full of fruits, people are going out more often, summer is making everything better. And then, the young Cupid gets that feeling. One him and the six other Cupids know oh, so well. Tips of his fingers tingling, pupils blown, his eyes quickly find his new subject.  And it’s...You again ? 

“You, again...?” Jaehyun can’t help but voice his thoughts out, no one can hear him anyways. But it’s weird, to see you again. Didn’t he shoot you yesterday ? Yes, Cupids see a lot of people, but Jaehyun has a good memory and won’t forget a face so quickly.  A human having a crush on someone and falling in love with someone else weeks, even days after isn’t impossible, but Jaehyun never had it happen so quickly. Maybe you fell in love with your coach, the brunette thinks, but as he gets a closer look, he notices that your coach, isn’t really here.  Uh, interesting, Jaehyun thinks. Maybe today won’t be so mundane, maybe you’re the one who’ll spice things up for him.  It’s weird, you’re not thinking about your coach. That, Jaehyun can tell. There isn’t a single trace of love interest for him in your soul, Asia’s Cupid wonders if he missed his shot yesterday. It happens rarely, maybe three times since he started this, but it can happen. It gets the young men even more intrigued. 

A small smile creeps on his lips as he sees you stopping in front of a cherry tree, admiring the red dots all over, taking a quick picture before walking straight ahead. It doesn’t look like you’re working today, Jaehyun knows it’s Saturday on Earth. Much like Doyoung, the brunette has a sort of obsession with the blue planet, he knows more than most of his brothers.   Another thing he knows, it looks like you’re meeting up with someone. The Cupid sees you stopping at a coffee shop, he decides not to look inside of you walk in. 

And Jaehyun is right to do so, several minutes after, you’re walking out with a hot cup of tea and a cheesecake. Good taste, the Cupid thinks. He loves cheesecake as well, Doyoung bought some the other day. Even better, the two ate it all by themselves, lets just say his five other brothers aren’t that interested in Earth’s culture. Finally, you take advantage of the Summer weather, taking a seat outside. You don’t look as sweaty as yesterday, obviously. Hair down, the soft wind makes the tips of your locks tingle your skin, locks you brush away quickly. Jeans and a light top, your everyday makeup is done. 

As you take your phone out, the young men takes a step back, trying to see if he can find the one you’re waiting for in the streets. It’s a fun luck-based game he plays from time to time. But it seems luck isn’t on his side today, when his pink irises find your silhouette again, he notices a man sitting right in front of you.  Oh, him. Something serious could happen with him, Jaehyun can tell by the way the tip of his fingers tingle. Yet, you can do better than that, Asia’s cupid thinks to himself. And suddenly, he stops himself. He shouldn’t think this, a Cupid shouldn’t have such judgments. Brushing the thought away, he takes a step forward, trying to understand who this guy is to you. 

“How long has it been ?”, the men asks, apparently it manages to make you laugh a bit as you answer. “A decade or so.” With this, it’s easy to understand you two haven’t seen each other in a long, very long time. So you two already somewhat know each other, it might help things, maybe you didn’t know your coach enough to feel things. The arrows’ law can alter and be a bit strange, sometimes. 

“You’ve grown up a lot since junior high, Y/N”, the unknown men says, a pool of heat creeping on your cheeks.  Pretty name, the Cupid thinks. Old friends reuniting after years, that’s a cute situation, he thinks to himself. He can see something mildly serious coming out of it, he isn’t a soulmate but, he could be in your life for a year or two, maybe three. 

He shrugs, taking his beloved bow in his right hand, silver arrow in the other. A routine, string tense, one eye closed, from this distance, Jaehyun knows he won’t miss, there isn’t a chance in the world he’d miss a shot like that, he’s close, the target isn’t moving. 

And so, he shoots. When the arrow lands, right in the middle of your chest as you’re taking a bite of your cheesecake, the young men sees you slightly choking on it, chuckling to himself. Something quickly sparks in your eyes when your old friend helps you whip your chin, there you go.  Jaehyun thinks he’s done with you. That night, he tells his six brothers about the girl that choked on cheesecake.

“Myungdae ? Ew, no.”, you whisper out, eyes travelling from the sculpture to your friend, almost choked at the proposition. The look on your face is enough to tell her exactly what you think about your old friend, to Jaehyun’s misbelief.

He cannot believe it, he can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. His lips part in pure shock, or maybe it’s awe, he doesn’t know quite yet. On his pedestal, the arrow and bow the young men was supposed to shoot a few moments prior stay inert at his side, glowing under the white neon light.  Ew, no. The two, simple words, simple sounds, ring again and again in his head. And it’s not like you’re lying too, the Cupid can feel it, or he actually, he doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t feel any love interest towards Myungdae, the guy you saw a few days ago, the guy he thought would be your future boyfriend. 

“What ?”, Asia’s Cupid almost screams out, it’s not like anyone will hear anyways, right ?

“What…?”, Sooyoung unknowingly mimics the young men’s words, but her tone is slightly different. “He’s cute !” The red haired speaks a bit too loudly for the setting, Jaehyun sees you shooting a death glare at who he found out is your good friend. She’s being too loud in the museum, the very museum Jaehyun felt pulled to, his instincts telling him to shoot the golden arrow at your best friend, one of the museum’s tour guide he quickly found out was a soulmate.

“He…He is…!”, you tell your friend, hoping it’ll make her calm down a little bit more. As Sooyoung sighs, eyes wondering around as she searches for the right words, her pupils land on a group’s guide. He’s a tall men with dark brown hair, beige shirt from the museum hugging his built figure. Fuck, Jaehyun thinks. There’s too much going on, he can not forget about Sooyoung.

“I just…Can’t help but see him as the kid that puked on the school trip for Busan.”, you tell your friend, but it’s clear her attention is taken by the men describing the sculpture to the small group of tourists. Little do you know, Jaehyun is listening closely to your words. Though, the men has to act quick. He’s been a Cupid for long enough that it takes him seconds to get everything ready. String tense, one eyes close, golden arrow aiming just right, the brunette shoots the arrow at the tour guide with ease. He looks a bit older than you and your friend. Finally, as the heart tip touches him right on the left side, his eyes meets Sooyoung’s, he smiles at her.  

“…But…But it went well, right ?”, Sooyoung is a good friend, trying her best to keep her attention on you but, it’s clear the men’s smile took her back. Jaehyun also decides he likes her a lot, voicing every question he isn’t able to ask you in person.

“It did…” You can’t really explain it. Yes, it went well, he seemed a bit interested, but you weren’t. It’s not what you were looking for, it’s like everything was right but, something was missing. A feeling something much greater was waiting for you out there, somewhere. Only, if only it’d present itself to you. A sigh leaves your lips as you’re literally ranting about your dead love life as your best friend seems to fall in love with you, what a cruel coincidence.

A worried look takes over Asia’s Cupid’s face.

The brunette never saw this, not in front of his very eyes. He doesn’t even remember hearing stories about anyone…Refusing love ? Not being affected by his arrows ? Eyebrows furrowed, Jaehyun’s heart picks up for the first time. It’s a weird feeling, he doesn’t know if he’s supposed to experience, it pumps faster, alters his breathe.

“Maybe I used all my shots at love already.”, you tell Sooyoung, shoulders going up, and down as you try to act nonchalant. It’s not hard to tell you’re faking it, at least, it isn’t for the Cupid.

No, Jaehyun wants to scream it out at you, you still have so much to see, so much to feel, he thinks. It’s funny, how the brunette didn’t even experience it and yet, he knows about all the things you deserve to see. Shit, something is clearly wrong, the Cupid can tell, he feels it twisting his guts, a cold sweat on your forehead. The subject is dropped quickly after your close friends reassures you the best she can, too quickly. The Cupid sighs from above, he wishes he was there. 

That night, Jaehyun decides he’s going to Earth for another one of his mission.

Such a simple phrase. “I’m going down.”, yet, it has the power to take back the six other Cupids, again. A decision like this shouldn’t really require such an announcement, they think at first. Doyoung goes to Australia whenever he wants and doesn’t feel the need to nervously let it out after tapping on his glass with his knife. But quickly, they all understand this isn’t about a small walk on Earth to visit, Jaehyun’s on a mission he’s decided he won’t give up on. Jaehyun had two trips to Earth, small ones for missions that required his presence and a little bit more knowledge on the person he was supposed to shoot. But never did it felt this, Jaehyun couldn’t really put his finger on it, but something told him this mission would be a lot more different than the two others.

“Aren’t you taking this a bit too much at heart ?”, asks Doyoung, after Asia’s Cupid finishes his explanations. He’s worried for the youngest, Cupids usually don’t go on Earth for anything other than a walk, Jaehyun already broke this stereotype twice and came back without a scratch, but the black-haired was scared something would eventually happen to him there, where they may not have as much of an authority. His back faces Jaehyun, slicing some red apples for Sicheng, who’s making dinner, but Asia’s Cupid still pouts at him like he’ll be able to see. “No…”, he starts, but his sentence quickly gets stopped by Taeyong’s low chuckle, who’s following the situation with a curious eye. “Alright, maybe a little. But that’s my job !”

“He’s right, that’s our job. Something isn’t right with her.”, Yukhei finally speaks, looking up from the book he was reading, body ungracefully laying on the bench. The brunette had a long, long day, and didn’t talk much that evening, but Jaehyun sure appreciated the small contribution to his cause.

“Thank you.”, Jaehyun slightly nods at his brother for the support, before looking over at Jungwoo, helping or rather, clinging onto Doyoung. “Jungwoo could look over Asia while I’m gone, I won’t take long anyways…!”

At that, Jungwoo drops what he’s doing, such a dramatic being. Pretty unfortunate for Doyoung’s hand, who has to dodge a sharp kitchen knife. “Jungwoo, what the-.”

“For real ?”, asks Antarctica’s Cupid, pink eyes as big as saucers. Don’t get him wrong, the young men grew to love his continent, but he’d kill to be Asia’s Cupid, even for a day. And he said it multiple times before. Jaehyun’s other two missions were so short he didn’t really need replacement, but this time, Asia’s Cupid was clear in making everyone understand that this, you, were a special case.

“Yeah…But only if it doesn’t add too much work…”, Jaehyun knows it isn’t an easy task, the biggest continent is a lot of work and a lot of arrows to shoot. He barely needs more arguments, though, the blonde laches onto Asia’s Cupid’s arms, to the five other’s misbelief. It’s a mechanism, the way Jaehyun’s arms wrap around Jungwoo’s frame with a small laugh.

“You won’t have a lot of time, thought.”, Taeyong says, to which the brunette has to agree with a nod, awaiting for his brothers’ final decision. Obviously, he wouldn’t do anything without everyone’s approval.

Time behaves differently, in Olympus. Weeks and days are not really a thing, after all, Gods, Goddesses and other creatures don’t really need to worry about a thing that won’t affect them. But, if they’d have to count, a year on Earth would feel like six months for the Gods, maybe even less.

“I know, I know. I won’t be long anyways…How much time do I have ?”

It’s a group decision, Jaehyun’s aware of this. If his brothers end up disagreeing to his proposition, he’d have to accept it, if they give him a small amount of time in unanimity, he’d have to bent to their decision and make it work.

“How about, around a month on Earth, maximum ? You can take care of Asia for that time being, right, Jungwoo ?”, Sicheng finally speaks up and proposes, it’s unnecessary to say that Antarctica’s Cupid agreed with a vigorous nod of the head, locks bouncing on his smiling face.

“It’s settled, then.”, it’s half of a question Doyoung asks Asia’s Cupid, a month is more than enough, he thinks.

“Good luck on Earth, then. And don’t do anything stupid, we’ll watch over ya.”, Mark concludes, slightly hitting his brother’s shoulder.

And that’s how, Jaehyun, Asia’s Cupid, ended up on Earth for the third time.

Unlike Doyoung, Jaehyun never really went on Earth for a simple walk but thankfully, he was so curious about Earth that the rules and codes of the planet weren’t new to him, at all. It was indeed, different from Olympus, but he liked it as much, maybe even more. No Gods or Goddesses to please, no curses and weird family treasons to keep up with. He didn’t have the same authority here but, he wasn’t helpless either, he was equal to everyone.

He knew about phones and, he was very happy to get his hands on one. He sometimes thought about how it’d be pretty funny to have these up on Olympus so he could send pictures to his brothers, same for televisions but he didn’t know if any deities would actually want to participate in such a thing. Even after these two trips, the difference between watching from his little Cupid cloud and being on Earth still struck him. Being painted as a normal human, at the same level with everyone, being noticed and looked at by people he does not know and won’t ever see again, not being invisible. It was different, but it felt right.

When his body finally materialized in the small apartment he was granted for his stay, the first thing he did was look outside. The place was in the city center, a modest apartment that didn’t have anything to compare with his Palace in Olympus, but he quite liked it. Pretty trees, grey streets, the sound of cars and people talking was something he wasn’t used to, nor was he used to the city lights enlightening his apartment at night, the pitch-black darkness of Olympus long gone. Inside, it was small, intimate, kitchen and living room connected, a small bathroom but one large bedroom he immediately took a liking for with it’s floor to ceiling windows. He’d get used to it pretty quickly, Jaehyun was sure of that, but one thing he probably wouldn’t get used to, even after a month here, was not being able to see his brothers. Jaehyun remembers thinking he’d be able to live here until he thought about them. It took him back, at first. Jaehyun wasn’t used to being alone at home, he was used to the somewhat harmonious chaos his brothers would create with and around him. He knew he’d be able to communicate with them if, and only if it was necessary, he knew they’d watch over him, but it still felt weird.

Loneliness isn’t a feeling Jaehyun is used to, he finds the feeling usually comes with a lot of questioning too. That’s something Jaehyun doesn’t like to do, questioning. Yet, his current status comes with a lot of blank spaces and questions that are maybe meant to stay unanswered. Asia’s Cupid would like to be able to push them aside, like his brothers seem to be able to do. But maybe they do think about these questions a lot too, after all, Jaehyun never dared to ask. It’s on his first night on Earth, stomach empty and apartment half decorated that he finally lets these question fill his mind again. Sitting on his new bed, gazing at this city that never seems to sleep, he wonders if he was one of them, before. There’s a club nearby, Jaehyun wonders if he used to be the type to party, if he was a student, if he was a boy or a girl, what he identified as, if he was in love, if he was loved. He never told anyone but, sometimes, he feels nostalgia looking down on humans, missing something he doesn’t even remember experiencing. A sense of déjà-vu, like he used to do these things, going out with friends, watching movies, having first kisses, making love, living oblivious to everything above. Jaehyun will never admit it, much less talk about it to his brother, but, a few times, he had blurry visions. Images forming in his head at random times, they were never long, a slip second leaving Jaehyun wondering, desperately trying to recreate it. Asia’s Cupid remembers seeing a tall man, brown hair, cat-like eyes, an old camera pointed at him. Him, he saw him two times, he also remembers seeing a brunette, petite girl with a dimple. Who were they to him, before ? He’d never know, family, friends, lovers, it’s his guess. He hates it, but what can he do about it ?

It’s one of the few downsides of being a Cupid. Knowing you have a past, maybe multiple past lives, and not remembering any of it, it’s cruel, in a way. Not knowing how you died, when you died, knowing the ones you now view as brothers weren’t in your life. Knowing one day, another generation of Cupids will take the lead and goodbyes are going to be crushing. It’s a double sided blade, being that aware of your faith.

The young men doesn’t like thinking about it much, busying his mind whenever his brain wonders with whatever he can find. And, that’s exactly what he’s doing.

Ah, how Gods and Goddesses are dramatic, Jaehyun thinks when his eyes finally land on the file, neatly tracked on the black table. Golden letters on the white hardcover, his name written on it, calling him. Finally, delicate digits peal the cover, flipping the first page over. Your name, age, date of birth, everything’s written on it. And, most importantly, your workplace.

 “Hey, Y/N.”, a voice you know too well calls you out, but do you care enough to look up ? No. Definitely not. Maybe it’s a bit…Mean. But you pray to any God above that he’ll leave you alone. Eyes scanning the same sentence over, and over again, you try your best to look busy. Extremely busy with your email and empty photoshop project open.

“Hey ! You busy ?”, the same voice again, a bit closer, fuck. You have to look up at Daeyong, standing right behind your computer, forcing a smile on your face. The men gives you the same smile, though you don’t doubt he’s a bit more sincere than you are. A half gloved hand pushes his bleached hair back - he works on a graphic tablet -, you wonder if the dry locks won’t fall right off. He, Daeyong, is one of your many colleagues in the publicity agency. He works in the cubicle a few meters away from yours, though you sometimes wish he was in an entirely different building.

“Hey, Daeyong. No, no, what’s up ?”, at this point, you can’t really tell him you’re busy. Knowing him, he’ll probably look over your computer to see any progress on the project you’re supposed to be working on. You bite the inside of your cheek when he giggles at your face, you can’t be the only one to feel the awkwardness, fuck. See, a few months ago, he asked you out on a date to a niche restaurant. At first, you accepted, he had cornered you in front of a few other people and you couldn’t really say no, you didn’t want to put him in such an embarrassing situation. But, after much thinking - a minute into your shower-, you decided you didn’t want to go. A text was sent and lets just say your doubts were now facts, Daeyong was the cliché of the Reddit Nice Guy.

You remember him blowing up on you, and of course, you didn’t let it slide. Heated texts were exchanged and after weeks of silence and tension - not the good one - between the two of you, he decided to apologize. Yet, you couldn’t let the situation go, he still made you feel uncomfortable. He tried to act overly nice, you’d prefer if he just…Apologized and stopped talking to you.

“There’s a newbie, he’s taking the spot next to you. Boss wants you to help him feel welcomed and all, y’know the drill, yeah ?”, you hate how he speaks to you like you’re still friends, like nothing happened. You just nod, getting more and more uncomfortable the longer he stays there. Right behind your computer, like you own him something. Daeyong opens his mouth a few times, trying to starts a sentence, tongue wetting his chapped lips.

As you’re about to excuse yourself for an early coffee break, he finally finds his words.

“Hey, I think we cou-.”, he starts. And you know, you know were this is going. We could try again, we could be good together. But, before he can finish his sentence and before you can even let out a syllable, it seems the universe finally helps you out.

“Hey, Y/N, right ?”, a deep, unknown voice comes from your side. You’re so tense it almost makes you jump. “Oh, sorry, am I interrupting something ?”, he continues. Your savior, and polite at that. The universe gave you an opportunity, you’re going to take it, with both hands and not let go. Quickly, you use your chair to spin around, back to Daeyong, facing whoever saved you from this embarrassing and quite annoying situation, maybe you’ll-

“Oh.”

Oh. You freeze for a good second, maybe a bit more, looking up at who you hope is your new cubicle neighbor. Slender, feline eyes that curl at the inner corner looking at you through short, cute, eyelashes. Deep, dark brown irises and it feels like…You’ve seen them before ? They hold something familiar, something inviting, you wonder if you met him before, a long, long time before. It’s when the bridge of his nose scrunch up with a smile that you snap out. Fuck, have you been glaring at him for long ? Did he notice ?

“N-No, no !”, you starts quickly, pearly teeth biting down on your painted bottom lip when he laughs a little. It’s airy, short and yet, the small sounds makes your heart pick up, pumping up blood to your cheeks.

“I mean yes, I’m Y/N. And no, you didn’t interrupt anything !”, you reassure him, finally collecting yourself. Oh god.

“Eh…He’s the newbie I was talking about.”, clearing his throat, Daeyong adds, visibly throw off, great. “I’ll get going then, take care of him.”, he finishes, before finally, oh finally, leaving for his own cubicle. You can’t help but sigh of relief, before the said newbie stretches a hand out.

“I’m Jaehyun.”, he says, and you don’t hesitate to take his hand in yours, intending to shake it slightly. But, when his skin touches yours, it might seem insane, maybe you’re going crazy, but the shiver that runs down your spine takes you back for a second.

Jaehyun feels it too, the lukewarm tips of his digits lingering on your skin. Something is different, different from the few other humans he met, face to face. Jaehyun isn’t supposed to be feel anxious around humans, isn’t he…A superior being after all ? He isn’t from this world, not…really. He has another understanding of the world and yet, he feels equal to you, equal to humans for the first time in this very moment, when his brown eyes bore into yours.

“Y/N.”, you introduce yourself anyways.

People say time behaves differently in certain places. Unfamiliar McDonald’s on a roadtrip, lakes in a suburban neighborhoods, you could name a few and maybe, just maybe, you can add your small cubicle in this very moment.

Jaehyun sits down in front of the desk next to you, his face disappearing behind the thin wall for a quick second. He lets his black bag down, before both his palms hit the white desk. You laugh a little, he might be a little overwhelmed by the graphic tablet, the two computer screens still asleep in front of his eyes. He looks young, you note, probably around your age, maybe he’s straight out of university and just started working.

“So, Jaehyun.”, you start again, Jaehyun’s body leaning against his chair. His ears are a bit red, rosy skin contrasting, cute, you think. “Where did you study ?”

“I, uhm…”, fuck, Jaehyun knew his made-up backstory by heart and yet, his throat went dry the minute you said his name. “Paris, Gobelins.”, he finally says with a smile. Relax, Jaehyun, relax. Before leaving, him and his brothers made an entire backstory. Family name, parents, siblings, hobbies, anecdotes, studies, exes. They went through everything and yet, he almost fucked it up a second in. Thankfully, you don’t seem to notice, your attention drawn to his words. Paris ? Les Gobelins ? Your lips part for a second, eyes wide for the second time today. “Paris ?”, you whine out, unconsciously leaning forward. Jaehyun hums, finger pressing on the computer’s button, thank the Gods, he knows how everything works, “How was it ?” Thankfully for Jaehyun, he doesn’t even have to set foot in Paris to know exactly how it is. “Pretty, it’s a really pretty city.” Taeyong brags about it every day, he thinks to himself. “Especially during the summer, the architecture is amazing. Lots of tourists and traffic, though.”, he notes, acting like he’s thinking to himself. You sigh at that, almost day dreaming when your new cubicle neighbor tells you about the Louvre and other highly known places. “I’ve always wanted to go.”, you mumble, graphic pen slightly hitting your desk. Jaehyun decides the pout on your lip might be the cutest thing he’s ever seen.

If Jaehyun was a bit more aware of himself, he would’ve known, he would’ve known he was fucked from the very beginning. The slight alteration in his heartbeat when his hand met yours, a Cupid is not supposed to feel such things. It’s a cruel rule, Cupids are not supposed to feel love, they are not supposed to fall in love. After all, if Cupids are able to comprehend such emotions, wouldn’t it make their job harder ? Love would come across their duty, what if they had a crush on someone on Earth and forgot to shoot, or even worst, refuse to shoot an arrow ? Cupids understood rather quickly that love might be beautiful, it could also be extremely dangerous. Especially when they travel across their continent all day long, meeting beautiful souls after beautiful souls.

If he was aware, the Cupid would’ve known. He would’ve known when your giggle at his confused look towards the two computer screen and multiple programs took a smile out of him. He would’ve known when you asked for his phone number on his third day and his throat went dry. He would’ve known when you walked out of the building with him on the fifth day and his heart skipped a beat when you waved goodbye, slight tired smile stretching your lips. Asia’s Cupid would’ve known when you bought him something to drink around his second week, he would’ve known if he wasn’t so stubborn, so blind.

It’s just because he’s taking the mission at heart, he thinks to himself after a little bit more than a week working in your small company. Jaehyun brushes it off, he keeps himself busy and would rather not think about you more than he already is. The young men does not want to think about his past lives and the half second long flashes he seems to get more frequently on the blue planet and so, he tries his hardest to distract himself. On his trip to Earth, Jaehyun finds he loves painting, it’s something he could not do on Olympus very often, he was too busy during the day, too tired during the night. And so, the Cupid buys himself some paint, some brushes and some canvas. Jaehyun finds he also really likes this deep brown bubbly soda, at least he has something else to drink than the sugary nectar he always has up there. The Cupid also gets interested in Earth’s cinema. It’s fun to watch, he finally has the time to binge watch every Spiderman ever made. But, when the movie ends and the inspiration runs out, Jaehyun can not run away from you. He doesn’t know it yet, the Cupid does not want to face it either but, you’re already carved in his heart. And, even when he thinks he’s distracting himself from you, he takes a step back from the painting he’s working on and… The pretty pale colors strangely look like you.

See, there’s another small issue with Asia’s Cupid’s plan. After two weeks on Earth and much observation, Jaehyun notices you aren’t interested in anyone. A rather big issue when he barely has half a month left to understand exactly what the fuck is going on with you and successfully accomplish his mission. You two share even more during coffee breaks and there isn’t a single spark. His sensations aren’t as sharp on Earth but, he doesn’t see any lingering look from your side, no discreet look over someone, nothing. It’s clear none of your co-workers had a chance with you, at least. Another thing the boy notices after a bit more time, you don’t need him, you don’t need help on your shoulder. When you finally seem interested by someone, Jaehyun feels the slight numbness in his fingertips and, for a second, he’s happy. So happy, it feels like his mission starts now. You don’t need his help to go out of your way and make a move. Small issue ? He’s the love interest.

From : You, 8:37 pm. : “About the company’s gathering, we should go together so I can introduce you to everyone you need to know.”

There’s a slight sigh coming from Jaehyun’s lips as he looks at the screen of his phone, he quickly got used to the object. This is just a friendly proposition, he thinks to himself. After all, you were supposed to help him get more comfortable in his new job, right ? The gathering is in three days, the third day of the third week of Jaehyun’s timeline. Now that he thinks about it, maybe he’ll find your perfect match at said gathering with other similar companies. The Cupid still blinds himself. If anyone was looking over him from above, they’d scoff at his attitude.

To : You, 8:40 pm. : “Yeah, sure !”

From : You, 8:42 pm. : “Nice, will pick you up at 9 ?”

To : You, 8:45 pm. : “Good for me !” Jaehyun hits send, his fingertips tingle.

Third day of his third week, the blindfold finally falls down or rather, it rips. Jaehyun can only numb himself for so long, a man can only pretend to not hear when someone’s screaming at them. Jaehyun might remember this very moment all his life. It had rained, this morning, the dark concrete floor dark by the summer water. At least, it took some degrees out of the current heat. Poor Cupid enters a phase the moment he sees you checking your lipstick in a small round mirror, in the back of a black, luxurious car. His heart doesn’t skip a beat, it pumps faster. The tallest had some fever dreams, dreams where the air is thick, dense, where it feels like he’s the only one aware of the altered universe his brain created and, it feels the same. Jaehyun feels like he has every God and Goddess watching him from above. Judging, detailing and yet, he also feels so alone, standing there right in front of the glossy car door. Palms sweaty, ears a deep shade of pink, there’s no denying it.

“Don’t get attached, you won’t see her again.”, Doyoung’s words before he left ring in his mind again, it seems he never stood a chance anyways. He’s fucked, oh so fucked. Jaehyun doesn’t want to say the word love, he does not. But he’s a Cupid, he knows how all of this work. The man almost has an out of body experience the moment you look up, bright smile stretching your lips and you lean to the side, opening the car door for him. The dress you’re wearing is a deep blue, much like the suit Jaehyun is wearing, what a coincidence. It hugs your body, softly decors the skin of your hips before falling under gravity’s law. By the way you’re seating, one leg over the other on your side of the car, Jaehyun can clearly see the deep thigh cut in your silk dress, his eyes almost flash their natural pink color for a second.

He might project out of his body at any second. At that moment, Jaehyun knows, if he was simply Asia’s Cupid looking over two people, two colleagues going to a fancy gathering, he’d shot the soulmate arrow without a doubt in mind. He knew it before, he just didn’t want to face it. Tonight, he knows and acknowledges it. You, on the other hand, don’t take too long to notice his skin turning white when he finally steps in and takes a seat. The nervous rub of his palms against the fabric of his pants, his lack of words when he’s usually talkative. How could you know ? At this very moment, when Jaehyun understands you’re his soulmate, his other half in this world, you think he’s simply nervous.

“Hi. You seem nervous.”, you voice is soft, comprehensive. You were the new employee too, at some point, and you remember being extremely intimidated for your first gathering as well.  

“Hey. Uh, yeah. I’m a bit…nervous.”, he mumbles, eyes straight ahead. At this very moment, he does not know what to do, he finds the driver’s bold head very, very interesting. The moment he attaches the security belt, the car starts moving. The Cupid looks away, eyes on the multiple neon lights lightening the dark streets, softly reflecting on the wet ground, he does not know what to do.

You, on the other hand, might be a bit too worried about the brunette. The car might be a pricy one, the space in the backseat isn’t so big but you use it at your advantage. Lightly pushing your colleague, now you’d like to say friend, with your shoulder, you get his attention back. There’s a soft smile stretching his lips, Jaehyun quickly understood he couldn’t resist you, he couldn’t stay unphased in front of your pouts.

“Don’t be, everyone’s nice ! You’ll see.”, you start, a hand readjusting your dress. “It might be more of a fancy gathering but, it’s just for show.” Without thinking twice, your hand lands on his thigh, softly patting his clothed leg order to reassure him. Jaehyun understand the meaning of guilty pleasures at this very moment. He doesn’t chase your hand away, he lets your touch slowly fade away, he loves the tingle it lets behind, the way it has his eyes widening. But, somewhere not so deep in his mind, he’s screaming at himself. He barely has two weeks left here. He knows, he knows you may be one of his soulmates, if not the only. He knows he might not meat you in another life, he knows it isn’t fair the let you all alone after this. He doesn’t even need to wonder if you feel it too, he knows you do, he feels his fingertips tingle every now and then, a reassuring buzz whenever he’s right next to you. You feel it too, there’s no doubt. Especially when the car finally stops and Jaehyun doesn’t hesitate to step out of the vehicle, walking around to open your door. Your hand quickly finds his, you both act natural. He offers his arm, you easily let your hand rest in the crook of his elbow right after taking a better look at his outfit. You wonder if he got the suit especially made for him, it perfectly hugs his body. Not too tight, not too big. The deep blue shade compliments his light brown eyes and you wonder if he has some eyeshadow but can not really tell under the dim light.

The building privatized by your company is a cute one floor hall, small light hanging at the entrance and you notice they ditched the red carpet because of the rain. Some people are already there, most are from your company as the other as supposed to arrive a bit later. The decoration’s prettier than last year, you have to say and, you notice all the efforts made once you step in. Heels click on the ground, soft music plays as your colleagues speak together, you take Jaehyun by the arm to greet the boss he never met.

The gathering’s a blur for Jaehyun, his mind’s busy with much, much more important things. He knows he can contact his brothers whenever he feels the overwhelming need and ramble. But, it feels like he’ll have to go through this multiple hours long party with a polite smile on his face before even thinking about going home. The Cupid’s pushed and pulled from his thoughts, on and off. Jaehyun falls deep in his thoughts when he’s left alone but, gets abruptly brought back to the surface when you bring other colleagues he doesn’t know yet and people from other companies. It’s a shame, he knows he’d enjoy the gathering in another situation. It’s a bit like the parties up in Olympus, with a bit more choice when it comes to drinks and music and at least, here, he doesn’t have to worry about getting on a God or Goddess’s wrong side by pure accident. You seem to be enjoying yourself too, the brunette sees you joking a bit around with some people he already forgot the name of, enjoying the food and drink they’re serving you in plates. Jaehyun wouldn’t admit it, whenever he judges someone is being a bit too close to you, an unknown feeling sparks in his chest, one that wants everyone to know you’re his soulmate. Is it jealousy ? The brunette never knew he was capable of such a raw feeling. It’s a weird situation for the poor thing. He’s aware of your status and yet, he does not know what to do. He’s lost in this party full of people, this party where men and woman both don’t hesitate to look at him up and down, silently gushing at his features, it seems the Cupid forgot he wasn’t invisible here. At some point, the tune changes to something Jaehyun would recognize as classical music, though he isn’t an expert on human music yet. His company’s boss he met moments prior steps in the middle of the hall and a crowd forms around them and, that’s when the Cupid understands they’re about to dance. Yet another thing similar to Olympus’ parties, slower dances aren’t uncommon and he quickly understands the pattern of steps.

He has to say, the brunette’s quite enjoying the view, especially when more and more people decide to step in the circle. Though, the Cupid definitely does not expect it when you step right in front of him, small smile tugging at your lips. He notices your lipstick’s fading a little bit, surely because of the drinks you had but, he quickly looks away.

“Do you dance ?”, you ask, arching an eyebrow with a hand stretched out. It almost makes the brunette laugh, you definitely do not need his help to make a move. He also almost says he doesn’t but, his hand touches yours before he can even comprehend what he is doing. Biting down on your lower lip, you quickly pull the brunette towards one side of the circle, slowly dissolving as everyone finds a partner to dance with as well.

“I learned when I was a teen.”, the Cupid simply hums when you look up at him with semi-impressed eyes the second he perfectly follows the steps of the slow dance. Is there anything he can not do, you wonder for a moment. Maybe he has some issues picking up on hints. One hand in his, the other curling behind his back and resting on his shoulder, it feels right when his hand rests in the middle of your back, subtly arching your back. It is at this very moment that Jaehyun understands the light tingle in his fingertips’ addictive, he likes keeping you close a bit too much and, for a split second, wonders how your curves would feel under his hands.

“What can’t you do ?”, you ask, teasing him a bit. There’s the same butterflies blooming in your stomach the moment he giggles softly, eyes rolling up as he dramatically acts like he’s thinking really hard. “I can’t juggle.”, the brunette says after thinking for some long seconds, though he keeps swinging you softly at the same time.

“You can’t ?”, you fake shock, lips parted. “You shouldn’t tell that to anyone, ever. That’s a shame.”, you tell him and, he pouts. Fuck, how can he look so good and cute at the same time ? For a second, you think about kissing the pout away, eyes travelling down to his pink lips.

Isn’t it crazy ? How weeks before, you felt like you had used all your shots at love and now, this men comes into your life and crashes everything. Jaehyun does not know it, but you’re overthinking as much as he is. Finally, the song end and yet, the Cupid’s hand stays lingering on your back, a gesture that makes you softly smile.

“You’re having a lot of success, here.”, you tell him once he stops in front of the buffet again, it seems he has a good view on the entire hall here. There’s a flew glasses left and, you take one.

“Hm ? Success ?”, he asks, himself taking a drink. You laugh a bit at that, you wonder if Jaehyun’s really that clueless about his looks. Unbeknownst to him, the same feeling sparks in your chest when you notice a small group of ladies from another company looking over at where your friend was standing. Though, unlike the brunette, you know what this is, jealousy.

“Hm hm, saw a bunch of people looking at you.”, you tell him, shamelessly stepping next to him and leaning against the table, if some didn’t know you and him walked in this party together, you made sure they knew now. There’s a small laugh coming from Jaehyun, though you find it isn’t as bright as it usually is. Something seems off, but you don’t dare ask him right now, in the middle of the hall.

“Same for you.”, he says before bringing the glass to his mouth, a hum coming out of his lips when the liquid coats his taste buds. There’s a small sense of pride blooming in your chest, does this mean he looked at you ? Noticed other people were too ? Did he get jealous too, you wonder. “What is this ?”, he asks, eyeing the golden liquid, brushing the conversation.

“Champagne ?”, you inform him with a little giggle, an eyebrow arched. You were sure he already tasted champagne for someone who knew so much about wine. Lets just say you two sometimes slack a bit during working hours and talk about other…unrelated things. “You never had it ?”, you ask, a bit curious. You have to say, Jaehyun himself is a curious personage, a mysterious character. It might be one of the many things that struck you when you met him, along side his personality, his deep voice and dimples. He knows a lot, it seems like he saw and experienced a lot too. Sometimes, he sounds like a Disney character, like he has a lot to show you but, you might be able to show him a lot as well, like he might just be the one you’ve been waiting for.

“Nope, but I like it.”, he concludes, quickly finishing the liquid, he decides Olympus’ lacking when it comes to drinks too. He’s about to add something, continue the conversation so he doesn’t have to overthink again but, as he’s about to ask for the song playing in the hall, his mouth stays agape. It can’t be, it can not. Somewhere far, almost in the very middle of the hall, a men stands in his light grey suit. He did not see him before, he doesn’t know where he came from. Jaehyun wonders if his mind’s tricking him, if he’s hallucinating, he knows some stuff on Earth can have this affect but definitely not Champagne. Short brown hair parted in the middle, slender and tall body, the last time the Cupid saw him, he had locks falling to his shoulder. Jaehyun wished the world could stop right at this moment, just so he could walk up to the men and detail his features, Jeonghan’s. His old tutor’s. His heart tightens, another weird feeling the brunette isn’t used to. He pushes the thought aside but, the more he stays here, the more Jaehyun feels human. Could it be him ? It’s been five years, he thinks to himself, can a Cupid reincarnate with the same body ? Do Cupids magically spawn on Earth at the same age they left Olympus ? Ah, for someone who wanted to strop overthinking, Jaehyun thinks he might overwork his brain at this very moment. But as he said when Jeonghan left, he’d recognize him in seconds, even on the blue planet. The way he speaks with a hand illustrating each of his word, a foot always in front like he wants to punctuate his slim, long body. The way he carries himself, head high, smile knowing, the way his eyes spark with malice.

“Jaehyun ?”, you ask, worried. You wonder at this very moment if he can support alcohol or, if he has a problem with big crowds. Whatever the case, your hand wraps around his wrist and you consider calling a cab for the both of you.

“Yeah- Yes, sorry. I though I saw someone I knew.”, he breathes out, though his eyes never leave Jeonghan, or Jeonghan’s doppelganger. “Yeah, you look like you saw a ghost.”, you mumble out, though you’re relieved when the brunette accepts the glass of water you offer him and laughs a bit, the sound resonating in the plastic cup. Ghost don’t look like that, the Cupid thinks to himself.

“Do you know Mr. Yoon ?”, you ask and, if he says yes, you wouldn’t even be surprised. As said, Jaehyun is a mysterious man you’d like to know more. “Let’s see him !” Poor thing, you barely give him a second to answer and almost drag him towards Mr. Yoon with a wide smile.

“Mr. Yoon ! Hi, I didn’t even see you come in.”, you greet the older men with a warm smile, Jaehyun isn’t aware yet but, you and him have a tight history together and, you respect the men greatly. “This is Jung Jaehyun, the new employee I’ve been looking over.”, you inform him, proud. The brunette’s heart might stop at this very moment, he made an effort to close his mouth but he doesn’t know if his eyes are still as wide, especially when the so called Mr. Yoon stretches a hand out with a smile. He knows it so well and yet.

“Oh, I see the student became teacher.”, same voice. Mr. Yoon smiles at you and it’s at this very moment that Jaehyun understand. When Jeonghan was his tutor on Olympus, he – or his look alike -, became your art tutor on Earth ? Jaehyun thinks he might go crazy, he has so many questions colliding against each other in his mind. Nonetheless, he politely shakes the men’s hand.

“Yeah, but I’m sure I’m not as good as a tutor as you were.”, you laugh a bit. Mr. Yoon slides a hand in his pocket, head tilting to the side as he details Jaehyun’s face, who’s trying his best to look unphased and professional. The same sharp eyes that looked over him for so long, Jaehyun would go as far as saying he’s the only paternal figure he’s ever had.

“Do I know you from somewhere ?”

This city never sleeps, it’s a known fact. It’s around one, maybe one and a half in the morning when you and Jaehyun decide to leave the gathering after saying good bye to as much people as possible. You could’ve taken a car but, the brunette proposes to walk you home and there’s no way you’ll refuse. The summer night’s warm, fresh breeze moving some leaves every now and then. Clubs are at their picks, neon flashing in every streets, different music mixing together. The streets are packed with citizens and travelers, some a bottle in hand, you even see a few groups dancing to mainstream music. The walk is a quick one, moving through crowded main streets. The Cupid sometimes look like a curious puppy, he always saw these things from above. Finally, streets grow less full when you enter the more residential side, near your home. There, the wind gets fierce and, the brunette doesn’t hesitate a second and takes his jacket off, draping the thick fabric of his suit over your naked shoulders.

“Did you have fun ?”, you ask a bit before spotting the street to your building, head lolling forwards at you check the state of your shoes. Jaehyun hums at your side, hands in his pocket. “I did ! I didn’t expect to meet so many people, though.”, he tells you and you laugh a bit at that, you remember being even more intimated for your first gathering.

“There’s more people each year. The first time, I dropped a glass full of punch on my dress.”, you tell the brunette with a sigh. You know everyone remembers it but thankfully, no one brought it up expect for one person. “Mr. Yoon made fun of me for like, three months.”

Mr. Yoon, here’s another thing bothering Jaehyun tonight. The same appearance, same voice, same attitude. The Cupid wonders if your old tutor’s indeed his old teacher as well. He can not help ask himself, especially when he noticed the men’s knowing when he left with you. The Cupid wonders if he should bring it up to his brothers tonight but, his thoughts are quickly cut when you point a building with a digit, probably where you live.

Oblivious to his thoughts, you step up the few stairs to the class door of your building, fishing in your small bag for your keys. What a convenient little thing, cute and able to hold your phone and keys, you find them in seconds. “Mr. Yoon seems really nice.”, is the only thing Jaehyun seems to find but thankfully, you don’t pick up on his tone. Using one of the keys, you open the thick glass door and lean against the frame, you’re not really ready to say good bye. There’s an adoring smile stretching your lips, it’s clear you hold Mr. Yoon close to your heart. “He is, I’m sure the two of you would get along.”, you breathe out and, it seems your brain isn’t completely on the subject. As Jaehyun climbs the step of your building, your eyes wonder on his figure for the nth time tonight. The sent of his cologne cocoons around you, it’s floral and strong at the same time, the heat and comfort of his suit’s jacket doesn’t help your heart beat. His white button up perfectly hugs his body, it’s tight around his arms, belt around his small waist. There’s a smile that tugs his lips and that’s when you understand he just said something you completely missed. Nice.

“I’m sorry, what did you say ? I’m a bit tired.”, you fake a yawn and Jaehyun steps closer, shoulder leaning against the second closed door. Obviously, he is tired too. His eyes are half closed, arms closed and he unconsciously leans forward. “I said, you look really good in that dress.”, he whispers out, like he’s scared he’ll wake your neighbors up. A pool of heat creeps to your cheeks but, you don’t break the eye contact the men installed. You wonder if you’re going too fast at this very moment, if you shouldn’t wait a bit more but, something pulls you in. It feels like the brunette might slip away at any moment now and so, you take a step closer.

You think about answering him first but, words seem to disappear from your memory when he doesn’t budge nor take a step back. It’s a sign, isn’t it ? You wish the brunette was not so complicated. It’s something you do by pure pulsion, instinct, without thinking twice. Your heels help you reach his face, a hand anchors itself with his collar and you bring him closer. Jaehyun is not clueless, he knows what’s happening and yet, he does not step away. Rather, he comes closer, closer, closer until finally. Finally, your lip softly meet his. It’s like kissing petals, soft and fragile. The brunette kissed a few deities before, more or less important and yet, he’s now kissing you like you’re the highest of them all. His hand cups your cheek lovingly, a shiver runs down your spine and his. So this, this is what it feels like, to kiss your soulmate ? There’s something familiar about it to Jaehyun, he wonders for a second time if he found you in another life. On the other hand, you melt easily into the kiss, pecking his pink lips with a breathy, dumbfounded laugh. You know it, if something was missing with your coach, with Myungdae, you’re sure Jaehyun has it, if not more to offer. You’re slightly out of breath when he pulls out, and he smiles down at you. Right then and right there, in front of your apartment building, you’re convinced he feels the same way. No words are spoken expect for a soft “Good night.”, when your door bips annoyingly but you don’t even pay attention. That night, you walk up the stairs to your apartment with a giddy smile, one you won’t get rid off until you fall asleep. Jaehyun, him, has the same smile. The same butterflies in his stomach. It’s crazy how someone can take over your thoughts, he doesn’t even think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn’t even think about the future. Next, what’s next ? The brunette doesn’t even worry about that, until he steps into his own home and he spots it. The little gold note on his table, name written on it in black ink. He already knows what it is. A request to come back to Olympus.

Asia’s Cupid has a lump in his throat the moment he accepts the request and, the soft golden cloud wraps around him like a duvet. Eyes closed, it takes a second for his body to materialize on Olympus again.

It grows the moment he steps foot on the higher ground again, after more than three weeks. Nothing has changed on the cloud above, except for Taeyong’s expression when he finally sees his brother again.

The brunette knows Olympus like the back of his hand but this might be one of his favorite areas. Five years ago, it’s in this very place him and his six brothers shot the white arrows after their ceremony. At the very border of Olympus, tall pillars and half destroyed statues, benches and rocks from previous fights between creatures that happened long ago, it’s always calm here nowadays. If Jaehyun steps a bit closer towards the sharp edge, and looks down, he’d see right above the clouds and the blue planet he now adores more than anything.

Taeyong waits for him under one of the biggest weeping willows, arms stretching to embrace his brother when he’s just close enough.

Taeyong might be a more serious Cupid, his features always soften whenever he sees one of the six other Cupids after a long time. This time, he looks worried still. Red, bushy eyebrows frown in front of his piercing eyes, it almost has the power to take the brunette back. It’s weird, to see him all alone, waiting for Jaehyun in a secluded area. Jaehyun wonders for a moment if something happened while he wasn’t there, if one of them got into a fight with a major God, if Jungwoo didn’t manage to take Jaehyun’s place. His thoughts are gone in a second, this is about him. He wonders if he knows, if they know. The Cupid wonders if Taeyong happened to be looking over him, he promised he would, after all. Jaehyun knows, he knows kissing a human during a mission is not something he’s supposed to do, he knows the unspoken rules of Cupids.

Jaehyun hugs his brother silently, like the both know things won’t be the same after this very conversation. “That’s a change in style.”, Taeyong lets out with a breathy laugh, an attempt to make things less serious before he gestures towards a bench under the tree. Jaehyun laughs a bit at that, he sure looks like a human lots in Olympus. The brunette sits on the cold marble, fingertips running on the smooth surface. “I know why you called me.”, Asia's Cupid look down for a moment, shoes kicking the almost white sand.

He thinks Taeyong might grown, scowl him, scream even. He'd understand it, he would but, the red haired's next move is one the brunette did not even think about. Ring hugged digits carefully lay on his own. It's a reassuring gesture, one Jaehyun looks at with eyes slightly watering. Poor thing, there are emotions he suppressed, they rush and crash over him at once and his head lols backwards.

“We told you not to get too attached.”, Taeyong softly says, crossing his arms over his chest. There's a tone the brunette can't really pick up on, at least it isn't disappointment. He tried to, Asia's Cupid thinks to himself. He tried not to get attached but he couldn't resist. Even if he tried to act like the most arrogant, detached person, he couldn't build a wall strong enough for you.

“I tried to, I—. I really did.”, he starts. Words block in his throat, he looks to the side, desperately trying to get his brother's eyes. When the red haired easily finds his pupils, it's like words flow out of his mouth. “She's my soul mate.”

Finally, finally he says it out loud. It's at this very moment, in front of Europe's Cupid that he lets it out in the world. There's so many questions, questions he passes onto the red haired. Jaehyun does not even know, he didn't know it was possible for him to have a soulmate and meet them. Taeyong doesn't even freeze, he simply hums, thinking to himself as his eyes wonder towards the horizon.

“I've heard stories like that.”, he starts, and Taeyong laughs to himself for a second. “I knew something like that would happen to you, eventually.”

“Stories ?”, Jaehyun asks.

“Hm. Stories where Cupids fell in love with a human. I heard a story through the grapevines once, about a Cupid finding his soulmate on Earth.”, there's a spark of hope in Jaehyun's chest. So he isn't the only one, it happened before. The brunette scoots closer to his friend, though Taeyong's eyes stay on the horizon for a moment.

“Sometimes, love doesn't need an arrow.”, he continues. Jaehyun's heart pumps faster at that, he thinks he might cry at this very moment, he doesn't even know why. “Some loves are faster, stronger.” If a love greater than his arrows, the Cupid can barely wrap his mind around it and yet, it doesn't seem to bother the red haired. His tone changes slightly, he gets more serious, this time he makes sure to look his brother in the eye.

“The stories I've been told never end well.”, Jaehyun knows it, Taeyong's only worried for him and his well being but he can't help and wonder. Isn't a love greater than Cupids' arrows worth living ?

“What happened to them ?”, asks Jaehyun but his brother only shrugs, that he doesn't know. “I don't know what to do.”, his voice's strangled as he confesses. He really doesn't. He quickly fell in love with the blue planet and everything it holds, the feeling how having people you don't know, strangers looking at you is a weird one he's starting to like. There's so, so many things he has to learn down, the thought only gets Jaehyun excited, a feeling he hasn't felt for a while. And then, then there's you. Jaehyun thinks he couldn't ever forgive himself if he ever lets you go. The Cupid won't ever forgive himself if he leaves you all alone. On one side, he has the chance of knowing and being aware of your bound, what if in his next life, you don't meet ?

And then, there's Olympus. All these thoughts and Jaehyun doesn't even know if he is allowed to leave his duties so abruptly, maybe they won't even let him go. And then, Jaehyun has his brothers. Six boys he, a few weeks ago, never thought he'd leave and there he is, wondering if he could live without them.

“It's your call. I can not tell you what to do.”, Taeyong's tone is a comprehensive one. Thought he isn't in his brother's situation, he sure can try and put himself in his shoes.

Staying with his brothers or starting over on Earth. No matter the possibility and outcome, it tugs at the brunette's Earth.

“This isn't a decision to take in minutes, or hours, even.”, the red haired says softly. And he's right. Like he's able to read his brother's mind, Jaehyun's twisting his brain in every way he can to find a solution, something that won't end up in heartbreak. A hand sneaks on his brown locks, a gesture Taeyong has whenever one of his brother's feeling sick.

“Take a few days, hm ?”, and Jaehyun nods. A few days to think, a few days for himself.

Saturday, there’s a lump in your throat too. A ball that expends inside of you, it tightens around your neck and it creeps deeper, deeper into your heart. Poisonous roots pierce into your muscle and twist at your guts until you need to curl on yourself to feel better, you think you might puke and stop breathing at the same time. Poor thing, you wonder how can Jaehyun have so much power over you, how his lack of response physically affects you. The gathering happened days ago, the kiss happened three day prior and yet, you don’t have any news from Jaehyun. None, not a phone call, not even a text, nothing. He disappeared into the night the moment he left you in front of your building. You at first texted him after you took a shower, changed into your pyjamas and removed all your makeup, resting in the comfort of your bed. A simple one, thanking him for the night and telling him you hoped he had fun, only hinting the slightest bit at the kiss, a giddy smile at his name on your screen. He did not answer. He didn’t even open the message. You brushed it off and went to sleep but, the afternoon after, something felt off. The rose glass was still in front of your eyes. It didn’t take long to shatter and fall down. If you knew, if you were aware of Jaehyun being your soulmate, you’d understand your connection runs deeper, you’d understand why your body seems to suffer as much as your mind. His anxiety and doubts manage to linger on your mind like a bitter aftertaste in the morning. It’s weird. You’ve been ghosted and ghosted people yourself at times, when you did not feel like having a deeper conversation or having another date. But this, this felt different, like there was another reason behind it, something you did not know yet. And again, he couldn’t really ghost you when he was your neighbor in your workplace.

Or could he ? You did not text him the day after the gathering but, on Friday, when he didn’t show up to work, you couldn’t help but think you screwed up. Thoughts kept you away from working, you wondered if he was okay, if you went too far. It was weird, it really felt like he wanted it too ? He didn’t take a step back, he even moved closer. He didn’t push back, he kissed back. And, when he left, he smiled like everything was more than fine, like you could expect more from him. Maybe he had a few more drinks than you thought and regretted it after but, you have to say, you thought Jaehyun was the type of guy to make things clear rather than disappearing all at once. Some, - maybe disappointment – creeped up in your chest at some point, a mix of emotions you now couldn’t comprehend.

Something does not feel right when they tell you he called in sick. You debate sending him another text and, after your second coffee break, you convince yourself you’re just acting like a friend. You ask him if he’s okay, you wonder again if you did something wrong but don’t mention it, a bubble of anxiety growing in your stomach. And again, he does not answer, you wonder if he even receives it.

Confusion and a sort of sadness suddenly changes into anger the moment Sooyoung visits you. Needless to say, you kept her updated on everything and on the third day of pure silence, she couldn’t keep it together. God bless her, she cancelled her plans with her crush – and soon to be boyfriend – to be with you. The red-haired’s like your very own emotion compass, validating your feelings you bottled up for days on end.

“I don’t- I just don’t get it.”, you let out for the nth time this evening, bringing your cold bottle of coke in the air. For the first time in a while, your friend stays dumbfounded, body ungracefully sat on your coach. Your friend had bought some things to eat and drink, though you could only find the force to indulge liquid.

“And it’s not like he wasn’t interested either !”, ah, Sooyoung’s the little voice in your mind. You vigorously nod at that, it’s clear your friend turns her brain again and again to find a reason, much like you are. You’ve been at it for hours now, ranting on and off, forcing your throat dry, babbling and tripping over yours words. It feels good, though, to have someone to rant to.

“Right ! He- It’s clear he wanted it too !”, you whine out and harshly let your body fall right next to your friend. Anger bubbles in your chest and your body’s first reaction to that is simple : water collects at the corner of your eyes. It’s unfair, it really is. Finishing the soda, you blur out something you didn’t think you’d tell her.

“I thought he could be the one.”, you abruptly say, so quickly Sooyoung has to process the words at a lesser speed. Head low, you play with the cold bottle between your hands.

Soonyoung loves you dearly, she really does. Many times, she thought of you as a soulmate in a friend and, it obviously hurts for the red haired to see you in such a state. Her hand rests right behind your head, fingers lacing in your locks. It’s a reassuring gesture while she finds her words, guiding your head towards her shoulder.

“Maybe he needs time to think. I know ignoring isn’t the right thing to do but, maybe he has a lot of things going on ?”

Sooyoung couldn’t be more right. If Jaehyun heard what she told you, she would’ve become his second favorite red-haired person. Poor Cupid has so much going on, too much to deal with. For days, his mind tried and tried again to find a solution, something where everyone would be happy. Poor thing doesn’t want to hurt everyone but, Jaehyun soon finds out things aren’t that easy, they never are. The brunette even thinks about spending a week on Olympus and a week on Earth but, he knows it would only be unfair for everyone. He cannot act like his brothers aren’t already overworked, like it wouldn’t be unfair to you to see him on and off without ever knowing why. A permanent headache clouds his mind and eventually, on Sunday, all he can think about is you. You’re all he can think about, all his thoughts go back to, all it revolves around. What are you doing, how are you feeling ? Are you mad at him ? The Cupid feels bad for leaving you like this but, he’d rather be sure of himself before speaking to you again. Jaehyun spends sleepless nights gazing out his window, he wonders again what his past like was like, if you were in his. And again, the thought of not having you in the next snaps the string of his heart. One night, as he gazes over the calm street next to his building, he even catches a couple having what the brunette thinks is their first kiss. Soft summer breeze as they step out of the cinema, they both stand awkwardly in front of each other as a car stops in front of them. Sweet, innocent love. The Cupid envies them.

Eventually, finally, it’s in the early Monday morning that the brunette finally understands. It’s around five in the morning, sun slowly rising over the city that doesn’t sleep, orange hue coloring the pale blue sky. Jaehyun took the bad habit of sleeping too late, lost eyes wondering outside as his brain never stopped.

The brunette finally understands. Him and humans aren’t so different, much like them, he needs a little heartbreak to move on. Which one would he rather experience, between the heart ache of never seeing you or never seeing his brothers, the brunette thinks he might know the one he’ll chose if he has to.

One thing he knows for sure, as he understands he only has a week left on the blue planet, he wants to be with you, next to you, more than anything else. You might refuse to see him, scream at him, - hell -, even slap him, Jaehyun doesn’t really care. He really doesn’t, he doesn’t either when his hand curls into a fist right before knocking on your door. He has to thank one of your neighbor for letting the door open, without checking twice and, his good memory when he checks for your last name.

Even if he slept all day, the slight dark circles under his eyes are there? Brown locks wavy from the lack of care, he wishes he did something more to his appearance the moment you open your door and, he swears to all the Gods and Goddesses above. It’s clear you just came back from work, hair matching his, sleeves of your white button up rolled up.

The moment he sees you, his thinks his heart might drop. Your initial shock, lips parted and raised eyebrow swiftly twist into an angry stare. Eyebrows furrowed, fading lips a straight line, you take a second to speak up. “What are you doing here ?”, you ask harshly. You almost fear it’ll come out like a whisper but, you stand your grounds. The surprise, confusion and anger you expressed bubbles up in your chest, you can’t believe he’d show up like this, out of the blue. But again, isn’t it better than just texting you like nothing happened ? You turn your back anyways, walking towards your leaving room in a hurry. Nonetheless, you don’t close your door in the brunette’s face, letting the opportunity open for the Cupid to take. And take it, he does. His usually calm behavior suddenly disappears, he quickly steps into your apartment, doesn’t even have a second to look at your home before chasing you blindly.

“I can explain.”, is the first thing he lets out in a blur. A white lie, Jaehyun can not explain everything yet, he fears you’ll run away, he knows it will be too much anyways. But, don’t get him wrong, he wishes he could. To that, you abruptly turn around, and there it is again, the lump in your throat. Can he explain ? You wonder, there so many unsaid things. Does he know why you’re mad, is he aware of what you’re feeling ? You almost want to blow up on him at this very moment but, decide against him when you notice the dark circles under his pretty brown eyes.

“Why didn’t you answer ? D-Did I do something wrong ?”, the crack in your voice you desperately tried to hide comes out when you least expect it, Jaehyun takes a step closer though, it’s clear he’s conflicted. He wants to touch you, hold you, so, so bad but he fears you’ll push him away.

“No ? No ! You didn’t.”, the Cupid gives in, his right hand lands on your shoulder the moment he’s close enough and he hates the way you look to the side. So many questions, you think now is the time to ask them, you’ve been sleeping on and with them for days now. God knows you do not want to sound harsh but the bitterness is clear in your voice. “It feels like you’re running away.”, you finally let out. The lump in your throat seems to disappear the moment you find the confidence to speak out. “Like you’re running away from…Me, what happened after the gathering.”

Poor Cupid sure is taken aback, he thought about all the things he wanted to say and yet, at this very moment, he can only open his mouth and close it again like a fish. “I am not, I swear I’m not. It’s just-.”

Maybe you should let him say his words but, you can’t stop the flow of words when the ball in your neck disappear, you don’t want to let the confidence slip away. Taking a step back, you desperately try not to get affected by Jaehyun. The way he looks at you, sorry puppy eyes, the way his bottom lip looks red and bruised from how long he bite on it. You refuse to let his sent and the cologne he seems to be imprinted in cloud your mind, you don’t want to let your body falls into the heat of his own, the one you’ve been craving for days.

“You feel it too. I know you do. I don’t know what it is, but. There’s something, between us.”, you start and, you’re almost shocked at the audacity you have. Jaehyun takes a sharp breathe at that, though he lets you finish your thoughts. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me you feel it too.”, there’s a small plea in your voice, Jaehyun can sense it, you’re hurt and he hates it.

He hates the fact you doubted his feelings. A hand runs in his messy brown locks, Jaehyun thoughts about everything he could say but, what he says next isn’t something he planned on. “I do. I was scared.”, and he was. He tells the truth and doesn’t make up lies, twist the reality to cover himself. At the end of it all, Jaehyun is scared, he’s terrified. He does not know what’s next, what awaits him eventually, in what position he’s putting you in.

You, on the other hand, slightly gets taken back by his quick honesty. Jaehyun takes a step forward and, you don’t flinch. The brunette ditches every long explanation he had, slightly shaky hands cupping your cheeks. If he held you like you were made of glass last week, he holds you like a bubble threatening to disappear at any moment, like an image out of his imagination. The Cupid holds you so he can melt his eyes into yours, trapping you in the chocolate, comforting hue.

It’s crazy, how his touch managed to calm your nerve down. Your shoulders flop down and you, for a moment, let your eyelids close halfway to appreciate the warmth. There’s a breath coming out of your lips, half exhausted, half calmed by his presence. But, your eyes fully close when he comes closer again, carefully. Jaehyun makes sure he isn’t crossing any border, he makes sure you don’t shy away from his touch.

“You overwhelm me.”, The Cupid traces on your lips.

Oh, to be loved by a Cupid, to be loved by Jaehyun. You quickly understand how intense it is.

This time, Jaehyun kisses you first. He fears he’ll lose the chance, he fears he won’t have a second chance. Plump lips softly press against your own and, when you process his actions, you finally give in. There’s a weight lifted up from your heart, he feels it too, that’s all you wanted to hear at this very moment. You finally acknowledge the hunger for his touch, for him. Fingertips softly trace over his sharp jaw and, the brunette easily gets it. Tilting his head to the side, the kiss grows deeper, and deeper. There’s no fight for dominance, just a harmonious dance, Jaehyun matches you and you match him. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”, the Cupid continues and, it feels like he has a lot more to say, he wants to make sure you know his reality. Voice deeper, chest irregularly moving up and down, he barely moves away. “I feel it too.”, he confirms again. The brunette will say it again if he needs to, he feels it too, he understands you, he knows.

You don’t answer, you’d rather show him. You chase after his lips, linking your arms around his neck just to bring him closer. “Don’t do that again.”, you half warn him before crashing your lips against Jaehyun’s again. The brunette quietly and breathlessly laughs at that, promising he won’t ever disappear like this. You discover more about him, tongue meeting his own for the very first time. He tastes sweet, something fruity lingers, probably the gum he was nervous chewing on before going to your home.

The Cupid’s hands get more curious as well, finding their place in the small of your back. Pink lips traces down your neck before placing a greedy kiss where your neck and shoulder meet. Such a simple touch, something you’ve felt before but, it’s different when it comes from the brunette. It’s crazy, the power he has on your body. Pearly teeth carefully catch the skin there and, you can not longer deny the heat that washes over you. It happens at once, the heat in the room seems a bit too much and your underwear gets uncomfortable.

Your hands creep up his chest, feel his body for the first time, you almost moan. Under your fingertips, even under the tick fabric of his white shirt, you can feel his muscles. Borders are blurry and, when your hands grip his collar, you hope you don’t cross anything.

Jaehyun wants to share your space, breath your air and yet, even if you’re the one walking him to your bedroom, he needs your verbal affirmation. “Are you sure ?”, Asia’s Cupid asks when he steps into your dimly lit bedroom.

It almost makes you laugh, giggle at his doe eyes contrasting with his wondering hands. You don’t care enough to turn the light off or even turn it on, your hands grip the middle of his shirt and you make his fit body follow you as you softly fall down on your bed. Jaehyun’s weak, he doesn’t even resist. Knees plant itself next to your hips, towering over you.

“’m sure, wanna drown in you.”, you confess right next to his ear. The brunette shivers at this, he hisses between pearly teeth. And, before he can even answer something, you tug a little bit more at his shirt. The Cupid easily gets the hint, grabbing the back of his top to take it off.

“Fuck.”, the curse slips out of your mouth before you can even process it. It’s ironic, you think he might be crafted by the Gods. You felt it under your fingers tips under the fabric but, his abs look marbled under the dim light of your bedroom. Every single one of Jaehyun’s nerves are on fire at this very moment. Digits work on the buttons of your shirt and, when you give him the green light, he does not hesitate.

His lips find the skin of your neck again, he pecks at the column of your throat and lets his tongue dip right between your collarbones. Jaehyun’s a messy lover, his kisses are long, he worships every new parcel of skin he discovers.

“Wait, let me help you.”, you breath out with a small laugh when the Cupid’s shaky hand sneak right behind your back. Arching your spine, you quickly undo your bra as the men finds your lips again. It’s thrown somewhere next to your bed soundlessly, Jaehyun’s mouth automatically wraps around your left nipple. Your fingers quickly sneak between his locks, nails softly gazing at the Cupid’s scalp. His tongue feels amazing on you, he coats your hard bud with saliva and doesn’t hesitate to softly catch it between his pearly teeth, pulling back.

“Jaehyun.”, you breath out when he turns his attention towards your second neglected bud but, you don’t care enough at this very moment. “Hm ?”, he hums against the skin right between your breasts, “So fucking pretty.”

As much as you enjoy all his attention, you don not think you can wait any longer. Your underwear’s too uncomfortable and you don’t think you can wait another five minute before completely, entirely feeling him. Unbeknownst to you, the brunette is as desperate. And so, when you beg for him to have you, right now, right next to his ear, he doesn’t think further.

Arms wrap around your waist, the brunette guides you to the middle of your bed. Everything happens quickly, then. Jaehyun helps you out of your skirt, you help him out of his jeans and boxers. The brunette doesn’t let you completely look at him for very long, but you have to say, the length of his shaft and the deep pink, wet by pre-cum head makes you mouth water. He hovers over you again after finding a condom in your bedside table. Jaehyun holds himself on his arms, on each side of your head but the slight weight of his body is comforting.

“So fucking wet, you’re dripping.”, Jaehyun almost hums to himself when he left two digits dip between your legs.

No words are spoken, expect for your verbal consent the moment the Cupid lines himself right in front of your wet folds. The tallest thinks he never felt more alive, you take his breath away, even more when his head pushes between your lips.

“Shit, so tight.”, he breathes out, slowly, inch by inch thrusting into your core. Like you were made for me, he almost says, but his words get caught in this throat the moment his last inch gets wrapped around you. His head falls in the crook of your neck, left hand resting on your waist.

It’s a slow, sensual pace you easily get used to, but the stretch of his cock doesn’t fade away. It’s a slight pain added to the pleasure, an addicting mixture you quickly grow addicted. You, on the other hand, don’t know where to touch, where to claw. You’re sure you’re leaving some deep marks on his back the moment the brunette almost entirely pulls out, right before slamming back in. Your own back arches at that, right hand grabbing onto his bicep.

It’s clear the Cupid enjoys the jolts of pain, hissing quietly whenever your nails create small croissant shapes on his pale skin. “Please, mark me.”, you beg breathlessly. Jaehyun might come at this very moment. It’s a possessive, primal, proud feeling that blooms in his chest when he understands. Mark you, mark you as his for everyone to see. The brunette hopes you’ll parade proudly with the purple petals he now creates against your throat.

“Mine.”, he groans against the skin of your neck, the words slips without him even thinking about it twice but, when you keen under it, he doesn’t hesitate to say it again, again and again on your lips. Mine, mine, mine. When your walls continuously clench around him, it’s almost too much for Asia’s Cupid. His composure crumbles down, it breaks down and his hips falter. Long gone is the sweet, soft pace he created for you, he chases his own orgasm and your own in deep, fast thrusts.

Uncoherent words tumble from your lips, Jaehyun conceals his own moans against your skin again, nose dipping into your hair. And, after a few thrusts that reach the deepest, you reach your high in a silent moan, Jaehyun’s lips kissing your tense forehead until he, himself, lets himself go. The broken moan he lets out as his seed spills in the condom might be the prettiest thing you’ve ever heard, you think in your daze.

There’s a comfortable silence broken by irregular breaths, Jaehyun’s brown eyes bore into yours the moment he understands what just happen. It’s even more comfortable when his strong arms wrap around your waist, his body falls into yours right before pulling you to his side.

“Holy shit.”, you let out after some minutes, a hand carefully lacing into the brunette’s locks. It hits you at this very moment too, a soft smile stretches your lips when Jaehyun hides his face in your chest.

“Yeah.”, he hums, keeping your body close. It seems he doesn’t have the energy to move too, you don’t blame him. “Can we stay like this ?”, he mumbles and, for a moment, you wonder what he’s talking about. Colleagues…with benefits ? The thought crosses your mind before you understands what his talking about. You’re so fucked out you barely registered the fact he’s still, in fact, in you. You clearly don’t mind, it still amazes you as well how perfectly he fits, even with his cock softening between your walls. “Not knowing where you begin…Where I end.”, he breathes out, letting out any thoughts his blurry mind creates.

There’s a small giggle from you and clearly, you agree to the proposition. It feels right, it feels domestic, intimate. Your arms finally wrap around his shoulders, chest against chest. You notice his hair smells like green apples and mint, he has little freckles here and there and soon enough, he’s sleeping peacefully in your arms. What a mysterious men, you think again. Thought this time, you smile to yourself, it seems he doesn’t mind opening up to you.

That night, Jaehyun finds he sleeps best in your arms.

“Jaehyun.”, you softly call out, stretching your muscles as best as you can. You have little room as the brunette’s arms are still firmly locked around your figure. It’s around eight in the morning and, by the way your phone’s beeping more and more loudly, you should be getting ready at this very moment. Though, you have to say, you’d much rather stay in your bed.

“Hm ?”, he hums, eyes still closed and, you wonder for a moment if he still remembers about work. You know he took a few days off but, he’s supposed to be back in office today, if you believe your manager.

The brunette clearly does not remember, you note when his lips peck right under your jaw.

“We’re going to be late.”, you whine and yet, your head rolls back enough for him to let his lips travel down your throat again. He adores on the bruises he left there the night before, slowly waking up. You have to say, he looks ethereal. The morning sun shines on his skin, the light bruises you left there contrasts against his epidermis, thin lashes batting up and down. Two deep dimples crave themselves in his cheeks when he looks up at your figure, rosy lips stretching at in a soft smile. Though an arm gives you a bit more space, the second one right under your body doesn’t let go.

He seems to remember about the night before slowly, low chuckle moving his chest. In fact, his cock’s still inside you. Condom discarded somewhere in the bin of your bathroom, Jaehyun easily fell asleep a second time after.

“Fuck, I forgot about that. I’m too tired.”, he confirms your doubt in his deep morning voice, one you weren’t ready for. It’s an octave lower, if that’s even possible and, it unconsciously makes you clench around him.

“About yesterday.”, Asia’s Cupid starts, using his hold on you to flip you on under him. It’s clear the brunette already loves having you like this. The small sound that comes from your lips when he does so makes him laugh again, eye still half closed. His right hand cups your cheek lovingly, a gesture you naturally lean on.

“Wanted to take you on a date first.”, he hums with a small pout, though it’s clear he isn’t unhappy with the outcome of the night before. Neither are you.

“I’m free this Friday.”, you tell him teasingly. Unbeknownst to you, Friday’s one of the last days he has on Earth. But, the slight movement of his hips doesn’t go unnoticed. Your eyes narrowed, giving the young men a look, fakely annoyed. You can feel him getting harder by the second, from the moment he flipped you over.

“Then, I’ll pick you up on Friday, after work ?”, he hums and you nod, a hand grabbing onto his bicep again when his moves get bolder.

“Jae’. We barely have an hour to get ready.”, you tell him. It’s half hearted, you both know you’d much rather let him have you a second time than go to work again but, you have projects to finish today and-.

“That should be enough.”, Jaehyun answers almost too quickly.

You find out saying no to Jaehyun is a hard thing. Correction, controlling yourself when Jaehyun looks like the purest incubus is hard. And so, when you bite down on your lower lip and look over at the time on your phone, the brunette already knows he won.

It’s easy when the Cupid already knows the route to your bathroom, when the two of you are already naked and riled up from the night before. Your legs lock on top of his hips and the cold water managed to wake you up at once. You slightly hit the brunette’s shoulder with a whine and his only answer’s to harshly push your back against the cold wall of your shower.

“I didn’t even brush my teeth.”, you whine out after Jaehyun plants the first hungry kiss of a few more, arms lazily resting on his shoulders. “I don’t care.”, the brunette groans out. And he clearly doesn’t, his hands firmly hold your thighs and his now hard shaft finds the same punishing rhythm he had the night before.

“Fuck, how are you already- Thought you were tired.”, you half mock, sentence cut short when he pushes into you deeper, harder.

“I’m not when it comes to fucking you.”, he confesses and, long gone are the street words he whispered out in your ear the night before. It’s like a switch being flipped, how last night’s slow thrusts turn into harsh, quick snaps. You don’t complain, though, not when he has you moaning in seconds. The water quickly turns hot, just the right temperature, droplets run down the brunette’s back, wetting his locks.

“God, you’re so good.”, you breathe out. Jaehyun’s intensely looking at you through his wet locks, agonizing smile stretching his lips. At this moment, the both of you know you’re already close. He brings you close, so close to your orgasm in minutes. Pride swells in the Cupid’s chest, he doesn’t let his pace falter and in fact, quickens.

“Fuck, keep clenching around me like that. You feel heavenly, baby.”, Jaehyun lets out, forehead resting against your shoulder. His lips find your skin again, pecking the droplets of water away as he feels you bending under his commands, clenching until he finds the right spot to hit again and again. You take minutes to come under his thrusts, head softly hitting the wall of your shoulder. Eyes closed, you see stars the moment he gives a particularly harsh snap of his hips and holds you there when he feels you coming around him, without any barrier.

The brunette’s breathless and, so are you. The background noise of the stream of water becomes white noise, senses hyper focusing on his small whines when you move your hips. He’s sensitive, so sensitive his groans turn into small whines.

Long gone’s the worry for your job and the time you have left when you let your feet touch the floor of you shower, slightly shaky, you drop to your knees in front of the men. The sight is enough for him to let out a sigh, looking up like he, himself, cannot believe he has someone like you in such a position. The brunette’s large hand easily find a purpose in your hair, gathering the locks until they’re out of your way. Finally, when you yesterday didn’t get a to detail Jaehyun’s cock, you can now have a better look. Hand wrapping around his shaft, the weight is pleasant, though you’re sure it’ll be even more on your tongue. Wet, he’s already leaking pre-cum, head a deep pink and you’re wondering how he can keep his composure when you let your tongue flat travel from the base to the tip.

“Fuck, Y/N. Thought we didn’t have much time ?”, he tease, twisting the narrative with a knowing smile. You look up at him with doe eyes, lips wrapping around his head and you suck lightly, enough to get a ripped moan from his pretty lips.

“You’re just impatient.”, you tell him, though you can’t help but take him in your mouth anyways. Indeed, the heavy weight and slight lingering taste of your juices makes you hum around him, vibrations that have him moaning lowly.

You manage to take most of his shaft in, hallowing your cheeks, using a hand to lazily stroke the rest but, after a few minutes, the men takes things in his hands. He definitely loves control. “Let me fuck your mouth.”, he mumbles out and, when you hungrily nod your head, his grip on your hair tightens. He keeps your mouth where he wants it and, slowly starts moving his hips.

It’s a harsh pace you silently indulge, his head hits the back of your throat a few times and it’s clear he’s close when he doesn’t even know how to form coherent words, hips harsher. His cock pulsates in your mouth and, when he takes it out without a warning, you almost whine and pout before understanding. His hand wraps around his base and you have to say, the sight is sinful. Body wet, face contouring with pleasure, he quickly pumps his dick in his head before he eventually comes in long strings. You, on the other hand, hungrily collect anything landing on your needy tongue.

Cleaning all you can, Jaehyun’s eyes stare for a while, he thinks he might get hard just because of that, when your fingers collect any remaining semen before popping them into your mouth.

“Fucking greedy slut.”, he groans out, almost in misbelief when his fingers hook under your jaw, forcing you up. You think he’ll clean the both of you there but, you surely don’t expect it when he abruptly turns you around, forcing your chest against the cold wall again.

“What are yo-.”, you start, but get abruptly cut by a moan you barely recognize. Jaehyun easily stuffs two fingers into your core. They definitely aren’t as big as his cock but, you’re sensitive, squirming around at his middle and fourth finger.

“Not letting you go until I make you come again.”, he mumbles again the skin of your shoulder and you stop moving around the moment his fingers scissor your around your walls and puts his free hand right next to your head.

“I c-can’t.”, you mumble out, and yet, your hips move back against his hips when he slows down.

“Take it.”, he commends, a tone in his voice you never heard and yet, you love it. It’s demanding and you let your forehead rest against the wet wall. His fingers are fast, lewd sounds drown in the water. There’s a low chuckle from the brunette when you threaten to come so quickly it would’ve been embarrassing with someone one. “Come on.”, he whispers out, a hand grabbing your head. He forces you to look at his, hungry lips crashing into your own. “You’re gonna get us late.”

The next days feel surreal for the brunette. He feels like a normal human, entirely, fully. Wednesday, dead of the night, Jaehyun might remember that night his entire life. He never had you in his bed and yet, it feels empty without your presence. The Cupid understands what not being with your soulmate feels like and, he doesn’t even want to know what it’d feel like to be in Olympus while you stay on the blue planet. He doesn’t, he can not even think about it. There, as Jaehyun mixes his overcooked noodles, all he can think about is having you on his coach waiting for him while he cooks. There, he takes his decision. Jaehyun wants everything you have to offer, he wants to share thoughts and secrets, share pointless and deep conversations, he wants to share comfortable silences and create new memories. He wants to create inside jokes he knows will make you laugh whenever he brings them up again.

There’s so much the Cupid wants to discover with you, from your favorite spots to your favorite food, the spots that make you weak and the ones that make you giggle. He wants to be here for your highs and lows, your big defeats and small victorious. He wants to be your favorite shoulder to cry on and the one you think about to celebrate. He wants you at your best just like he knows he can have you at your worst. Jaehyun wants you to love him just as much as he feels himself falling deep, deep for you.

Your texts make him smile and he doesn’t even hesitate to answer the minute he gets them. Your song, movie, show recommendations ? He notes them, listens and watches, gives a report whenever he can. He sends some back, he calls you when he cooks and can’t understand an instruction.

When he sleeps, Jaehyun dreams about you and all the things the two of you could have, you’re all he had think about and he does not complain, he’s infatuated, enamored, smitten, he learns a new word every day to express how captured he is.   And, on Wednesday night, as he falls asleep early for work, he has another flashback. Right between the lands of dream and reality, the border blurry. He sees the same girl with deep brown hair, setting unfamiliar. There’s a child he does not recognize and, when he wakes up, he realizes they both had your eyes.

It’s even better in real life. If the conversations used to flow naturally before, they hold something else now, a knowing flirt. Right between close friends and more, and dating. Firm glances are exchanged alongside some smiles here and there.

“Here !”, at this point, the brunette recognizes your voice by the second. He looks up at you with happy eyes in croissants. You have his favorite drink in your hand, peachy iced tea from a coffee shop down the street. “Ah, thank you so much.”, he pouts a little, the attention brings something that blooms on his chest.

“You’re welcome !”, you tell him, walking around to sit in your cubicle, next to him. Flopping on your seat, you quietly sip on your drink for a moment while scrolling and double checking your project, one you should be handing over tonight. “How’s your project going ?”, you ask him, leaning on the side. The small wall between the two of you is thin but, it does the job when it comes to blocking the view. Unfortunately.

“Almost, I should be done by the end of the week…Or next week.”, the brunette’s throat goes dry for a moment, when he mentions next week even if, even if he does not know if he’ll still be there by then. You obviously don’t notice it, humming at his computer screen. He told you he went to Paris for his art studies and you have to say, he sure has the level. Jaehyun is working on a more illustrative publicity campaign for some kids book and, for someone who just started, his propositions are great.  

“Oh, Jaehyun ! It looks great !”, you coo. “That’s really pretty.”, you tell him, catching your straw between your lips. Ice cubs hitting against each other, you shake your cup a little in order to get some blueberries at the very bottom.

“You’re pretty.”, the Cupid breathes a bit quietly, the two of you are still in your workplace and he doesn’t want to draw any unwanted attention from others by talking too loudly. Still sipping on your drink, you look up at the brunette with some surprised eyes before rolling them at him. “Smooth.”, you sarcasm, but smile at his attempt anyways.

“Right. Are you impressed ?”, Asia’s Cupid asks lowly and by now, you know this tone too well. Setting his pen aside, he leans aside too, meeting you halfway. If any of your colleagues looked over at this very moment, you’re sure they’d get the picture easily. His face’s too close to be anything friendly, his breath fans over your lips and you have to say, your eyes get lost in his. He holds eye contact and you don’t dare breaking it but, even in your slight daze, you’re still aware of the setting. You grudgingly pull back and let your back rest on your chair before heat burns your cheeks. There’s a chuckle from the brunette, one that rips a glare from Daeyong.

Do you enjoy it ? The slight anger flashing in front of his eyes and decomposition of his features when he understands ? Maybe, but you like Jaehyun’s smug smile when he gets it a lot more. If it looks like nothing more happens after, if it looks like Jaehyun works like a good employee after, you’d be very, very wrong. A hand stays firmly on your thigh, thumb stroking the covered skin of your leg. Jaehyun can not keep his hands to himself, he barely can. His eyes lower to your lips whenever he talks to you, whenever he catches you speaking with someone else. He stares for a bit too long at your figure and legs whenever you take a small break.

Can you blame him, though ? You’re almost as bad, drinking in the sight of his side profile whenever you doze off, detailing his hands when he adds the final touches to his project, unconsciously leaning closer.

Thank god, you and him manage to keep things calm until the end of the day. Until you gather all your files and documents, drop them in due time to your boss and finally, finally get a hold of your bag. Jaehyun waits for you like you usually did, walks you to the elevator and, when the brunette notices the emptiness of the elevator, he does not think twice. A finger quietly pushes at the “close doors” button and, when the grey metal doors slide in silence, he pushes you against the wall.

His free hand softly creeps up your neck, ring hugged digits wrap around your throat just enough for you to bend under his will and movements when he pushes you backwards. They’re cold against you skin, make goosebumps rise under them. “Jaehyun, wh-.”, the sound gets caught in your throat, knocked out of your lungs. The brunette does not even answers, he has a few floors for timing, he’d rather crash his lips against yours. He’s been thinking about it for hours, hitching to get closer to you. The kiss is bruising, his grip around your neck tightens until you whine at the gesture, hand flying to his brown locks. As you’ve found out, Jaehyun’s intense. He loves hard. Pearly teeth bite down on your lower lip, enough you know you’ll have a small bruise there and, his tongue softly smooths the abused spot before pushing the muscle between your awaiting lips.

It’s dangerous, how easily the Cupid puts you in a daze, a distorted reality where he’s the lighthouse in the fog. The taste of his peachy drink lingers on his muscle, on you teasingly suck on but, as he’s about to put his knee between your legs, a voice breaks the two of you apart.

“Floor zero !”

Jaehyun has lived next to and with Gods and Goddesses, has deities and other figures throwing themselves at him on Olympus. The brunette and his brothers have a halo of glamour and inaccessibility over them that has many gushing over them. He, at times, did fall under their charms, a pleasant experience for the both of them but never did the Cupid find it necessary to contact again, make it happen a second time. A one time thing he kept to himself, everyone knows how these things can turn into cruel revenges on the cloud up. But, Jaehyun always comes back to you. He has you tattooed under his skin, creeping and making a home for yourself in his heart, leaving an everlasting mark he’d proudly show off. With you, he has something else he did not have with other, a connection running deeper. He’s aware of it, he’s been for weeks. Simply said, Jaehyun understands quickly that physical contact with your soulmate is different. It feels different. After all, the brunette believes in the original soulmate myth, the very tale that depicts humans as one before they got separated. Reuniting as one is bound to be unlike any other thing he ever experienced. And so, Asia’s Cupid finds himself craving for you much more than he thought he would. It’s the thrill of the beginning, he thinks, but he finds himself sending a rather risqué text anyways. Thursday night, Jaehyun lays in his still made bed, typing and deleting. Should he ? Should he send this text ? It’s something the brunette never did before, it has the power to color his cheeks a soft pink.

What are you doing at this moment, in the dead of the night, he wonders. The Cupid never knew how vivid his mind was, he surprises himself when he easily pictures you in your bed, just like him. Fuck it, he thinks, and his thumb quickly presses the send button.

Ah, if Jaehyun has a vivid imagination, you have a good memory. Teasing words in a grey text bubble, it’s crazy how you manage to have his voice re-act it in your mind. What are you doing at this very moment ? Thinking about him but, you wouldn’t tell him right away. Two can play that game, he’s good at teasing and you are too.

The Cupid has to say, sexting is quiet fun. He finds himself typing things he would’ve said without an once of shame, he definitely did not expect his body to react so obediently to the words you say back. Soon enough, Jaehyun has his eyes glued to his screen, impatiently awaiting for your next words. Is it him or, is it getting too hot in his room ? Unbeknownst to Asia’s Cupid, he peels the fabric of his shirt off of his body just as you do so, getting rid of superficial clothes as texts get riskier, riskier. The brunette has your mouth parting at some of his crude words but, the gasp that leaves your mouth when Jaehyun sends a picture might wake your neighbors up.

Large hand wrapped around his veiny shaft, you stare at the picture for a bit too long. He’s hard, head a pink shade you don’t doubt is getting shades deeper by the moment. You can almost feel the weight on your tongue again but, when he starts typing again, you quickly snap a picture back.

Texts get sent hectically, not double checked, body kilometers away seems in sink, a single and common goal in mind. An orchestra in two different homes, your fingers don’t feel as good as his and, his around his cock doesn’t feel as good as your mouth. Dirty confessions are sent, he controls your pace from afar, telling you went to go faster and went to go slower.

In the middle of the night, you quietly come with each other in mind.

Tic, tac.

Friday. Times flies much quicker on the blue planet, Jaehyun knows it and yet, when he understands that he barely has three days left, he panics. He has much, so much to do. The brunette needs to get back to Olympus and he has too much to say, he pushed it away, wants to forget about it until the very last second. Tomorrow, I’ll do it tomorrow, he tells himself again and again. After the date, he tells himself.

The date, Jaehyun promised he’d come pick you up and, a few hours after work, he’s patiently waiting in front of your building. The car he was given at the beginning of his mission, he did not think he’d use but, here he is. It’s a pretty car, he has to say. A glossy black, a brand he read about once, his fingertips drum on the wheel. Poor thing is trying to push any thoughts of Olympus and his deadline aside and thankfully, he manages to the moment you step out of your building. You’re wearing something simple, but it isn’t your outfit Jaehyun is looking from afar. The sun shouldn’t set anytime soon but, the burning star’s less aggressive than it was earlier, leaving an orange hue on everything it touches.

It caresses your skin and makes it glow, soft breeze sending your locks aside like the second time he ever saw you. You give the brunette a small smile when you enter his car, you never knew he had such a nice vehicle and aren’t ashamed when you detail It with attention. Leather seats, tinted windows, it would’ve easily blended in during the other week’s gathering.

“Hi again.”, you tell him softly, slightly giddy at the thought of a date with the men.

“Hi.”, he answers, sweet smile tugging at his lips as he looks at you closely. At this moment, you finally notice he looks at you like you hold every star in your pupils, butterflies threatening to escape from your stomach.

The car ride is a calm one, but you sure appreciate the comfortable silence between the two of you. You sure are curious, Jaehyun never told you where he was taking you. The car passed by the building of your residential area, pretty buildings flash by until you get to the middle of the city, busier area alive as people get out of their house to eat with friends and family. The city’s lights aren’t on yet, but Seoul’s neon never die, they flash in the dim sunlight as Jaehyun’s car cuts through streets just to get away from it.

Tall buildings turn into small streets, less fancy buildings and, when you’re out of the city you look over at the brunette with a questioning look. “Where are we going ?”, you ask him as the playlist he made from songs you sent restarts. Cars get rare, grass grows abundantly at the sides of the road and you can barely see any building close enough to be a restaurant.

“You’ll see.”, he tells you with a knowing smile and, when he gestures ahead with his chin. And you see it. In the middle of an empty field, multicolor lights flash on and off. You see the big wheel just starting to slowly rotate and you can’t help the smile growing on your lips. Excitement bubbles in your chest, like a child going to Disneyland and you gasp softly when the car gets closer for you to detail the funfair even more.

You knew one was held a bit further from Seoul but, you thought you wouldn’t get the chance to go. You didn’t know when nor who drag with you, Sooyoung already had her almost boyfriend and all your friends were busy. “Are we ?”, you ask in misbelief, almost hopping on your seat.

“Yeah, I hope you didn’t go before-.”, he starts and you immediately cut him off. “No, no ! I wanted to go but didn’t have anyone to drag with me.”, you laugh out before pointing at all the rides you want to try.

“Good, I really wanted to take you here.”, he hums while parking his car nearby.

Jaehyun loves the idea of funfairs, he loves what he read about them and what he saw but this, being in the middle of the big metal structures and colorful light, he loves it. He buys a bunch of tickets and you, at some point, have to stop him. Poor thing doesn’t have the experience, he doesn’t know how many things he can do in one night. He’s a happy puppy in the middle of a lot of noise, he recognizes a few songs blasting on the speakers and he stays stuck in front of big cotton candies and candy apples. Everything smells sweet and Asia’s Cupid doesn’t know what he wants to taste first but decides against it when he remembers what else he prepared. Jaehyun uses all his tickets on you and lets you pick all the rides and games you want to play, he holds your hand when rides get too intense, locks sent away from the harsh breeze when the car rolls down a high hill. He laughs at you the moment you scream in the haunted house, he tells you ghost don’t look that friendly but he wraps an arm around you the moment he sees the pout on your lips. You might feel like a high school student the moment he tries to win you a random plush, you discover he’s pretty bad at throwing things or, the game is rigged. You feel even better when you end up winning a plush for Jaehyun.

“Do you want to do this one again ?”, Jaehyun hums, lips against your temple. He points at the first ride you went on. It was fun, went backwards at some point but you were too hungry to do anything else. Curling against his side, you move your head left to right. “I’m hungry. Do you want to eat ?”, you propose on buying him anything, knowing how he almost drooled in front of the stand.

“I already got us something.”, the Cupid informs, lips traveling to your cheek.

“Let me spoil you.”, you pout, looking up at the tallest. A small smile grows on his lips, eyes travelling to the stand where all the candies are displayed. Maybe he wants popcorns, but he already had them before. Cotton candy looks too sticky and sugary and, candy apples look way too good. Shiny coat on red apples, his choice is set. “Get me a candy apple, then.”

“What did you bring ?”, you ask curiously as the brunette brings you back to his car. By now, the sun started the set, your stomach rumbles and you wonder what exactly he has prepared when he opens the bot of his car. You have to say, you expected a generic date at a restaurant but this, this was much better. You’re sure Jaehyun would be able to make any date interesting but the way his eyes glittered with the lights and how he wasn’t scared to scream during rides truly made you understand how precious the men was.

“Picnic.”, he simply says, taking out a brown basket from his car. If your friends asked you, you think you’ll be able to pinpoint the very moment you truly fell in love with Jaehyun. He takes you by the hand and tells you he couldn’t find a hill high enough for the picnic, like a shy boy on a very first date. He swiftly pushes the back seat of his car down but takes his cute green picnic cloth nonetheless, placing it in his car.

“Ma’am.”, he says, voice sultry when he offers his hand. You fall in love the moment his digits slide between his, you use the support to climb onto his car.

You fall in love the moment he open his small basket and you see the sandwiches he prepared and how the only bought drinks you like and desserts he wanted to make you try. You fall in love the moment he takes out two pieces of the very cheesecake you love too much. His sandwiches have too much condiment and not enough salad, but you might let it slide when you catch the Cupid with some mayo at the corner of his mouth. Though, you have to say his chocolate cake is the nicest thing you’ve ever tasted.

You’re full and tasted everything Jaehyun bought for you when the night falls, bight lights of the fun fair still enlightening the field around. Conservation flows easily, as always and, you pick at a lose thread, half laying in his car.

“Do you believe in soulmates ?”, you at some point, ask. It visibly takes the Cupid back, he was sipping from the red plastic cup and stops at once. Tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth, he hums a little, or maybe he breathlessly laugh.

“I do.”, he simply says and, the both of you know nothing more needs to be said. Knowing smiles, hands brush against each other when the comfortable silence settles, and you help him clean everything.

“There, best for last.”, you tell him after Jaehyun puts anything empty in a nearby bin and everything else in his basket. You don’t know it yet but, this basket, this cloth, he bought them just for the occasion. Taking the candy apple from your bag, you unwrap it and hand it towards the brunette. And, instead of taking it into his own hand, Jaehyun softly leans closer to you, lowering his head before biting down on his apple. The hard, caramel coat cracks under his pearly teeth, humming when the mix taste of the sugar and the apple coast his tongue.

“Do you like it ?”, you ask, attention caught by the men’s lips, thin coat of sugar on the plum flesh. “Try it.”, he says after nodding, and you do so. Biting down on the apple, you laugh a little when you struggle to completely detach a piece of the fruit. “Hm, it’s good.”, you tell him, chewing on the small piece you stole. The brunette takes the stick into his own hands and happily eats the candy away.

“Thank you for today.”, you tell the Cupid after you’ve helped him push his backseat up again. Sat on the leather, Jaehyun leaning, body half outside as the door’s still open. Looking up at you after securing the seats, he smiles up at you proudly, he doesn’t tell you but he struggled to put everything together after all, he never went on one until now.

“I’m happy you liked it.”, he whispers out, laughs and screams from the funfair still hear from your spot. He leans a bit and, you take the chance in your hands to lean as well, quickly pecking his lips. He tastes just like the apple candy he ate a bit earlier, and the single peck you wanted turns into a second, a third. Jaehyun laughs a bit against your lips, breaking the exchange whenever he does. He definitely isn’t the only one who can not keep his hands to himself, he thinks when your hands wrap behind his neck.

“I loved it.”, you mouth against his plump lips. His body follows when you lean backwards, his knee planting itself in the leather seat of his car. The place’s small, his right hand grips into to top of the head rest so he doesn’t crush you but you still feel the light breeze.

“Close the door.”, you whine out and, when Jaehyun understands, his eyes morphs from a surprised look to a hungry, lustful one in seconds. As said, you’re like a switch in the brunette’s brain. You don’t have to tell him twice, the Cupid leans back to close his car’s door and swiftly gets back on top of you. The slight weight of his body’s familiar now, something you appreciate and sigh against his lips when he finds his place between your legs.

“Here ?”, he wants to make sure, though his full lips travel down your throat anyways. He knows the path by heart now, finding the spot right between your collarbones. “Don’t you want to go home first ?”

You’d almost laugh at how careful he is. A hand grip his hair hard enough that he sighs, bringing his face close to yours again. “Here. I don’t care.”, you reassure him and, Jaehyun does not need more.

“I can’t get enough of you.”, the brunette sighs against your skin, fingers quickly working on the buttons of your shirt. It’s quick, hectic, the place’s already close and it seems the need crashed over the both of you like trucks. Jaehyun lets your shirt fall open, hand cupping one of your breasts over your bra, lips leaving long, deep kisses from your collarbones to the line of your jeans. He looks at you then, doe eyes centimeters away from your core.

“Jae’.”, the nickname makes him sigh against the skin of your hip, digits working on his own shirt. “Fuck me, take me.”, you whisper out, almost desperately. If the brunette looked ethereal before, he looks utterly out of this world when his body hovers over yours. The car shelters you from the sounds of the fun fair but, the tinted windows do not block the colorful lights. Blue, red, violets, yellow, they dance on his milky skin, they contrast against the bruises you left on his epidermis and the healing scratches on his back.

If the light doesn’t manage to catch his face, they reflect on your features and has the Cupid staring for a bit too long, the way the blue light softly enlightens your cupid’s bow, the purple light adorns on your cheeks and the red color falls at the top of your eyebrow. They reflect in your irises, change at every blink.

“Shit, you’re breathtaking.”, he confesses against your mouth, pearly teeth biting down on your bottom lip before tugging softly at it. Hands work on the buttons of your jeans and, the heavy fabric gets lost in the small, closed place. It feels like just like the morning after, things are passionate and rushed, your own hands work on his pants but it’s clear the desperation is too high for more foreplay.

You’re thankful the car is set far enough you think no one will walk next to it, you’d be quiet ashamed if anyone hears you. There’s a high pitched gasp that tumbles from your lips when the Cupid presses his clothes hard on against your panties and uses an arm to help you sit up, on his lap. Your mouth finds his again, it’s all tongue and teeth, a string of saliva connects your tongues when you pull back and watch his expression change when you slowly grind against his shaft.

The blue light falls on his jaw, tightening the moment you roll your hips against his, head falling back against the head rest. His hand runs in his hand and stays at the top for a moment, enjoying you taking the control, green light accentuates the veins bulging around his digits. Soft sighs fall from his lips and you make a point when you don’t kiss him at this very moment, drinking in everyone of his sounds. You might need to thank the lack of light, you already know you’re leaving a wet spot on the men’s boxers. His hands help you find a pace, delicious friction against thin fabrics, you can make the outline of his cock but, you’d be even happier with his shaft buried in your walls.

It seems he has the same thought when the brunette swiftly moves in the small space again. Now behind you, he pushes your upper body against the seat, giving you a view of the funfair you two were in hours ago, where innocent kisses where exchanged. Your arms lay on top of the head rest and, you don’t hesitate to arch your back a little, pushing your bottom against the brunette’s crotch.

There’s an appreciative groan from him, Jaehyun’s hands are quick to help you out of your panties. You think he’ll do the same with his boxers but, when you feel his heavy breathe against your wet core, you understand he has other plans in head.

“Want to taste you so fucking bad.”, he mumbles against the skin of your thighs, lips leaving kisses everywhere but where you need it the most. You cry out desperately, unable to create words to express yourself. “Can’t hear you.”, he teases you, a single digit running between your wet folds.

“Please.”, your heart bumps so fast it resonates in your ears, your forehead falls against your arms and you speak up again. “Please, Jaehyun. Touch me, want your mouth.” And on cue, his tongue finally collects your juices on the pink muscle. He groans, it comes from his chest and sends vibrations against your core, mouthing against it. “God, you’re so sweet. Sweeter than candy apple.”, he sighs, tongue pushing deeper. The muscle easily pushes pass your lips and laps, switching between using his tongue and wrapping his lips around your clit.

You already the brunette was good with his mouth by the way he took your breath away at every kiss but, he has you moaning in seconds, his lips work wonders around you and you have to muffle your moans, mumbles and whines against your arm. Kitten licks and long stripes, he quickly brings you to the very edge. By now, Jaehyun knows the way your body works. He understands when your hips struggles between his grip, desperately trying to quickly chase your orgasm. You’re close, so close, the fear of staining his seats is long gone when you beg him to go faster but, when the bubble grows tighter and tighter, it suddenly bursts the moment he pulls away. It’s cruel, how your high fades away, it’s unsatisfying, almost makes tears pool at the corner of your eyes.

“Why did you-.”, you ask weakly, looking back at the brunette.

“I want you to come around me.”, he says, coming back at eye level. Light casts on his lips, shining from your essence.

“Fuck me, then.”, you taunt, and the devilish smile on his lips foreshadows what comes next. His boxer quickly gets thrown next to his pants. Heavy cock he slaps a few times against his palm, you hear the weight and almost salivate. But, you’ll have time for that after, you think. His free hand reaches for your bottom but, he underestimates his force and his palm slaps against your ass without a warning. The sound resonates in the car and quickly follows a ripped moan from your lips.

“Should’ve known.”, the brunette starts, fakely disappointed sigh coming from his lips. “Should’ve known you were into that.”, and he reiterates the act, palm harshly slapping against the skin. You whine at that, heat creeping into your cheeks. At each slap, he smooths the skin right after, softly rubbing at the flesh. It gets you even wetter and when you fear you’re going to drip all over his seats, Jaehyun brings his red head to your lips, collecting the translucid liquid.

Before you can even beg him again, he easily pushes the first inch between your walls, a sigh coming from the both of you. It still feels like the first time. Though, now he know exactly how you like it. A few inches in, the brunette doesn’t hesitate and rams in, in a swift motion. His hips pick up a punishing pace, it’s clear he chases both your orgasms. One hand rests on your hip while the other arches your back.

Skin slapping against skin, you try to muffle your moans against your arm but, Jaehyun doesn’t care. Deep groans, he doesn’t take your silence. His hand on your back creeps up, fingers lace in your hair and he abruptly yanks, pulling your back against his chest. No way to hide your moans, you whimper pathetically. His thrusts turn slow, deep, hard. Face next to your own, his second hand moves to your jaw, holding it tightly. You might have to wear concealer there, by the way his fingertips dig at your skin, lips mouthing against your cheek.

“Don’t hide from me. I want to hear you.”, he demands, and you bend under his wants. His name falls from your lips again and again, the fading orgasm he denied you moments prior comes running back and it isn’t long until your walls tighten around him.

He breathes, moans and whisper whatever comes into his mind into your ear, only for you to hear, it sends shivers down your spine and you know, you know it’ll stay forever engraved into your mind. How his low, deep, breathless voice muses at how good you feel around him, how slutty you are for him and only him. How you were made for each other and how he was fucking you like you deserved to be. Your moans turn silent, breathless and, Jaehyun understands you’re close before you do. He gives you the silent permission when one of his hands deep down, digits circling around your clit.

It takes seconds for you to fall apart, your walls tighten around him, grip him and you come in a ripped scream that might catch the attention, you don’t see. You don’t see because you have to close your eyes, tears threaten to fall and stars flicker in front of your eyelids, you’d fall forward if the brunette didn’t have such a tight grip on your body. He follows quickly behind, groans against your neck and spills in long, white strings. He fills you up and makes sure you feel it, slow movements of his hips. Breathing heavy, you hear him chuckle lowly at the pleasure. You whine out when he pulls out, suddenly empty but, your protest quickly gets cut when Jaehyun stuffs two of his fingers into your cunt. “Don’t waste anything.”, he hums, audibly tired. You gasp at the image when you look down, ring hugged digits coated in a layer of his and your own come, he slowly fucks it back in. It’s a thought he doesn’t voice, you tummy full of his come, the implications. He brushes it away, he’s thinking too quickly.

A single kiss is placed on your forehead as he helps you clean, “Let’s go home, love.”

Saturday, Jaehyun can not keep pushing. Second to last day, time flies quickly and the clock tics without a second to spare. His decision is made, it has been made for days now but, saying it out loud is much, much different. Short nails pick at the small piece of skin peeling at the corner, Jaehyun knows what he has to do. The television at his side plays some show he doesn’t, it’s white noise anyways while he walks back and forth in his small apartment. He started to love it, he got attached to it quickly. Needless to say, he got attached to you quickly, too.

It’s around four in the afternoon that he finally, finally uses his emergency card. Gold, small, it fits in his palm. Thin, it has Olympus written on it in cursive, white letters. He wondered if he should wear the clothes Cupids wear daily but, he decides against it, it’s symbolic, he’ll present himself with his new clothes.

There’s something twisting his guts, anxious and…Scared ? He knows, the brunette knows, he’s more human than he thinks. It’s when this exact thought crosses his mind that he opens the cards.

The same cloudy dust envelops his body, it blocks his view and, in seconds, he’s in Olympus. What happens next, will stay an unknown story for the mortals, a tale narrated from Cupid to Cupid, from a generation to the next. Sometimes romanticized but, always about that one Cupid who found his soulmate in a human and fought for her. Always about a Cupid fighting a God for the one he loved. It varies from person to person, some underline how the Cupid’s infatuation, his words and stories managed to convince Eros. Other highlight how Eros always had a soft spot for his Cupids, how good he always was with them. Who better to understand love than Eros himself. Eros, large white wings move softly, making the clouds around him dissolve at his feather’s touch, looks down at Jaehyun with a soft smile, one of his sons. His hand rests on top of his large bow, head leaning against it as he laughs a bit at the brunette’s expression. He’s dumbfounded at how easily the God agreed. But, Asia’s Cupid should’ve known, Eros is a sucker for love stories. He wouldn’t ever dare get between two lovers, not when one of them is Jaehyun.

“Child.”, Eros starts again, adoring look on his eyes. Jaehyun never had a father figure, not in his life at least but, when Jeonghan is the closest thing he had to it, Eros follow quickly behind. “You are free.” What can Jaehyun do other than bow down in front of the God, grateful isn’t a word strong enough. Though, the brunette has many questions and, Eros already knows them. Few Cupids had the same questions and, he’s prepared.

“What about…My memories ?”, Jaehyun asks, knot in his throat. Blonde, curly hair bounce to the side when Eros listens carefully to the question. On his pedestal, pretty throne in gold, he leans a bit forwards, the same pink eyes boring into Jaehyun’s now brown eyes. He noticed, he noticed how Jaehyun didn’t let his irises take their original color, how he didn’t dress like his brothers.

“You’ll keep them.”, visibly taken aback, the brunette doesn’t answer and so, Eros continues. “When Cupids leave, they’re free to pick. Return as newborns or, have a life on Earth as they are.”, simply says the God. “It’s harder, to be aware of everything, but it’s also a chance.”

“Like Jeonghan.”, he says before even thinking and, instead of answer, the blonde simply smiles.

“He’ll look over you. I’m counting on you to look over him.” The brunette’s mind might blow at this very moment, he knew. The posture, gestures, smile, the way he looked at him. So he was your tutor too.

“What about the others ?”, Jaehyun doesn’t dare say their names, his brothers, he will probably cry if he does. Will he ever see them again, he doubts, and that’s the heartbreak Jaehyun wanted to avoid. Suddenly, Eros’ features grow cold, worried, even.

“You can say good bye, but you’re not allowed to come back after that.”, he knew. But it still makes the brunette look at the ground, tears at the corner of his eyes. He won’t cry now, he tells himself.

He cries minutes after, when his brothers wait aligned in front of him. Jaehyun won’t ever talk about the good byes he had. Tearful, he made sure to look at his brothers face enough to make sure he wouldn’t ever forget them, even without pictures. He cries and begs for their forgiveness when they aren’t even mad. Jaehyun has a sweet word for everyone, he wishes he had prepared himself better and he gives something to each one of his brothers. He cries when they hug each, one by one.

They all promise they’ll look over him, they all promise they’ll find each other again, in their next life, whenever the next generation steps in. Jaehyun doesn’t even get to see the next Cupid at his spot, the one touched by his white arrow years ago.

Jaehyun looks back one last time, and before he can cry again, he falls from Olympus. Seconds that feel like minutes where Asia’s ex Cupid feels everything and nothing at the same time. When his feet touches the ground again, he doesn’t even register where he is. He thinks he’s in his apartment again and, when he opens his eyes. He’s in front of your door.

Eros, he thinks. He said he’d look over him too, seems he didn’t lie.

Red eyes, bloodshot, he doesn’t think twice and knocks on your door. The shock and worry in your eyes almost makes him laugh through his last tears, one his quickly dries off with his sleeves. You’re unaware of this, you don’t know yet but, he did all of this for you. Gods know your name, the love he has for you told to generations.

“I have something to tell you.”

Taeyong sighs heavily, a hand harshly pushing the pink haired’s hand away. Asia’s next Cupid is in formation while Jungwoo balances between his continent and his old friend’s. The new Cupid is a teenager, he looks a bit younger than Mark. Curious, he was happy to be assigned to Asia but Gods, was he the perfect annoying little brother. Death glare towards the smallest, Taeyong pushes his arrows away.

“No, Jaemin. You’re not allowed to.”, the red haired tells him again and, he pouts. “Let me at least look at my continent.”, the youngest says. It’s the end of the day and the oldest figures he’ll let him, now that he learned how to travel quickly and look over different cities.

“Oh no, I wanted To-.”, he youngest starts, trying to move to the wanted Japanese city.

“Wait !”, Taeyong’s loud voice rings in Jaemin’s poor ears, he frowns as he looks at the city he accidently landed on. Seoul. What’s Taeyong staring at, he wonders. A couple walks in the middle of a store, one Jaemin doesn’t recognize. Annoyed by the interruption, he looks over at this tutor.

“Are you going to shoot an arrow at him ?”, he asks.

“Oh no, they’re already blessed by the Gods. They don’t need arrows.”  

© NEOVISIONED l NO REPOSTING OR TRANSLATIONS ALLOWED.

[queenmuzz]

So, anyways, I saw something @liulyam had posted for Spardaverse a while back I DON'T KNOW HOW I MISSED THEIR WONDERFUL ART FORGIVE ME! Anyways, I saw specifically THIS piece of art, and it sent the brain juices into overdrive....

So, the same thing plays out everyday. Nero gets off the school bus and runs in, backpack flying, and tells his uncle excitedly about his day at school, before racing up the stairs to tell his dad the same thing, in the same adorably animated manner. Unfortunately, Vergil doesn’t respond the same way as Dante, sitting still, not even acknowledging that the boy is talking to him. Initially, Nero doesn’t mind, understanding his recently rescued father has been through a lot, and needs time and patience to recover. But as the months pass by, Dante notices that his nephew doesn’t run up the front steps as eagerly, his descriptions of school become shorter, paler. And most worryingly of all, Nero spends less and less time with Vergil, preferring to peek his head in the man’s room, sigh, and slowly make his way to his own room, closing the door sullenly.

“What’s going on Nero?” Dante takes the plunge and asks him one day, before the boy trudges up the stairs. “You haven’t been that rambunctious ball of energy lately.”

Nero kicks the worn hardwood floor. “It’s dad… I know you told me I need to be patient,” his face scrunches up at the word, it’s a thing he’s never been able to truly do. He’s definitely a Sparda boy. “But he just keeps ignoring me. He won’t talk, won’t even look at me. It’s like I don’t even exist! Maybe...maybe he doesn’t want me to exist-”

“Hey now!” Dante needs to nip this train of thought in the bud. He knows first hand where it can lead to. Had he not found Nero nearly nine years ago, while wandering the world, drinking up every bar’s entire inventory in a vain attempt to fill a void in his chest, who knows where he would have ended up? “Your dad...well, even without the stuff he’s been through, he was never much of a talker. Always preferred to have his actions speak for him.” “But that’s the thing, Uncle Dante!” Nero blurts out, close to tears. “He DOESN’T DO ANYTHING!!! He doesn’t care!” And with that, Nero bolts up the stairs, past Vergil’s room, not even checking up on him, and slams his bedroom door with such force, Eva’s portrait wobbles on the desk and tips over. Dante sighs, sets his mom back up, and slowly makes his way up the stairs. Not to Nero’s room; Dante knows better than to provoke that tiger cub when he’s in an ornery mood. It’s time to talk to his dad.

Vergil, or what’s left of him, is sitting in an oversized chair, the only one that fits his giant frame, facing the window, the only one in the place with a view. If he’s heard the ruckus (and Dante knows he has), he makes no indication that it affects him.

“Verg,” he calls out, “I know it's been rough, I know I piled on a lot of shit on you, the whole thing about having a kid and everything these past nine years. I’m not expecting you to just snap back to normal, and start insulting me like in the good old days, but…” Dante’s not good at this sort of thing. He’d rather Royal Guard his emotional turmoil. It used to be with alcohol, but now it’s with a cheery smile. “The kid needs a sign that you’re still there, you’re still fighting. I know you are, hell, you’re the one that helped me take down that bastard Mundus on Mallet Island. But that’s the thing, Nero’s only heard things that you’ve done, not seen them. You need to show him yourself, otherwise…” Vergil makes no motion, and even Dante, stubborn as he is, knows it’s fruitless to continue much more, “you’re gonna lose him too.” And then Dante heads back downstairs, to see if he can whip up a snack to bribe his nephew to come out of his lair. Strange, he swears he hears the rustle of fabric from Vergil’s room, as if his brother had just moved.

--

Nero sits at Dante’s desk, working on his math homework. It’s his least favourite thing, fractions. Uncle Dante is a whiz at them, and usually would be able to help him, but he’s gone out on an ‘Really quick, won’t be more than a half hour’ errand run. It’s been nearly two hours, and the only other adult here is his dad… so Nero is practically by himself.

Suddenly, the hairs on the back of Nero’s neck prick up, and he hears scrabbling at the front door. He’s still not allowed to go out with Uncle Dante or Auntie Lady on their hunts, but he knows what a demon feels like, especially when there are a lot of them. ESPECIALLY when they’re really powerful Instinctively, he grabs a chair, and wedges it underneath the door knob, and looks around in a panic. He’s never had to deal with a demon attack by himself before. He remembers his uncle has a case of weapons that he was told to NEVER touch beside the jukebox, but Nero figures that he can say sorry to his uncle later. He smashes the lock with a billiard ball, and yanks open the lid. He’s disappointed. He thought there would be a treasure trove of swords and guns, but all there are two swords, one red and one blue. But he doesn’t have much of a choice, and the whine of protesting wood ends with a thunderous CRASH, and demons pour through. “FIND THE HERETIC GOD SLAYER!” One says, before turning in Nero’s direction. Without much warning, it shrieks as it launches at him with razor sharp obsidian claws.

Nero might be little, but his uncle has trained him well. Whipping the two blades around, they connect the monster’s waist in a pincer move, and like a pair of scissors, bisect it in a shower of blood and ash. Nero swears he hears a voice (or is it two voices?) approvingly say, “Impressive!” but doesn’t have a chance to savour his very first demon kill as another demon comes at him, knocking him over. The reddish gold blade clatters away on the floor, way out of reach, not that it matters. Nero’s pinned to the ground by a skeletal foot, as the demon lifts a blade to impale him. He squeezes his eyes shut, preparing for the end.

The final blow never comes. Instead, he hears shriek, and the pressure on his chest instantly subsides. He opens his eyes, to see it stagger back, its decapitated head clattering to the floor. Its brethren likewise are either dead or dying, their high pitched screams shattering the glass in the jukebox.

Nero’s first thought is that his Uncle has finally come home, Dante’s come to save me! But what’s odd is that there’s no sound of Dante’s beloved Ebony and Ivory. And last he checked, his uncle never was able to shoot out blue ghostly blades that now impale most of the horde. But it doesn’t matter, because his uncle is here to save the day! That is, until he yelps as he’s quickly, but not roughly picked up and held as whoever holds him spirits him out of the building, the blue blade still clutched in his hand. Nero begins to panic, but hears a voice, almost like a croak, as if the vocal cords had been in disuse for years…

Nero

And even though the voice is harsh sounding, it's one of the most comforting things Nero’s ever heard.

--

Of course that half hour errand run would turn out to be three hours. But when he was promised a free pizza for clearing out that demon nest on the West side, Dante couldn’t say no. Besides, he’d pick up some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies on the way home as a way of apologising to Nero. The kid might be cross with him, but he’d forgive him the moment he smelled those chewy biscuits. Dante might even let him have more than half of the package.

So when he gets home to find his front door smashed open, his office trashed, and worst of all his jukebox shattered-wait no, worst of all, his nephew missing, all thoughts of pizza and cookies vanish from his mind as he rushes in, guns drawn. There’s no sign of life, but the black splatters of demonic ichor painting the walls shows that some real bad mojo went down here. The strangest thing though, is Agni, a weapon Dante was definitely sure he had under lock and key, laying there on the ground, alone.

“Alright, time to spill your guts” he yanks the blade up so that he’s at eye level with the pommel, “What the hell happened here?” Agni makes the same response as Vergil. Which means silence.

“I swear to…” he pulls out ivory, and presses the muzzle into the (more troubled than usual looking face), “You’re gonna tell me what went down, or we’re gonna see how many bullets I can jam into your ugly mug.” “You told us to remain silent.” He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, consider that rule temporarily relaxed.” “There was an attack.” Agni starts, its distorted voice unusually agitated, “The little one fought with great valour, but eventually even he was overwhelmed.” Dante’s blood goes cold. “But then a great bulk of a demon came out and slaughtered the attacking filth, and spirited the boy away, alongwith my brother.”

“Rudra’s still with Nero?” That’s odd, if they were trying to capture the kid, they’d disarm him first.

“Yes, they are not far, I think they’ve stopped moving.”

“Alright,” Dante makes his way out of the disfigured wood, “let’s go find the kid and your bro...and if he’s alright, maybe I’ll reconsider giving back your talking privileges.” “Oh, that would be wonderful, will you allow us to leave the dark box? It’s been so long since we’ve fought, we crave batt- ”

“I said IF, and I won’t guarantee anything if you keep jabbering on and on.”

--

Angi directs the demon hunter to a dark secluded alleyway, a few blocks from Devil May Cry. One hand on its hilt ready for attack, the other fingering the trigger of Ivory, he cautiously makes his way past the recently overturned garbage cans, to a shadow alcove, where a shadow crouches. Beside it is Rudra, glowing faintly, it’s turquoise blue light providing enough illumination for Dante to make out what has happened. There’s Nero, peacefully slumbering away, apparently unharmed, not even his shirt is torn. And holding him gently, stroking his downy white hair with a giant hand...is Vergil… And for once, even though he is still staring straight ahead, there’s a different look on his face, a sense of contentment.

Huh Dante thinks to himself as he holsters the weapons, I was right, actions DO speak louder than words.

[bittydragon]

The Problems Arising (The Spy)

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Notes: Here’s chapter 2 of The Problems Arising! (Finally, I took way too long on getting this out y’all) Hope y’all enjoy!

Being with Schlatt was a nightmare. Everything about Tubbo’s new life with the president was terrible. He was even forced to change out of the clothes that Tommy had sewn for him, back when they had first met. 

He was now forced to wear a small hand made suit, much like the one Schlatt wore, only poorly sewn. 

He missed his old outfit. Tommy had made it for him because when he had first seen the borrower, Tubbo was wearing a small piece of cloth over his shoulders in a bad attempt at a poncho. 

He never really did get the hang of making clothes for himself, but the poncho worked well enough. Though he never realized how comfortable a proper set of clothes would be until Tommy made him some.

And now Tubbo was forced to wear the shoddily made suit that was too big in some places and tight on others. It even made him wish for his old poncho. But Schlatt insisted and practically forced him to wear the ensemble, despite him being a secret from the rest of the cabinet, minus Quackity.

Quackity was tolerable. He was pretty funny and came by frequently to talk with Tubbo. But he never made any attempt to free the borrower and in the presence of Schlatt, any kindness he held disappeared. 

Tubbo wasn’t too sure how he felt about him.

Schlatt on the other hand was horrible, through and through. At the beginning of Tubbo’s capture, he’d made many attempts to escape. 

He had nearly made it to the walls at one point. But every time his luck seemed to fade out and he was met with a boot slammed down in front of him or a hand roughly pinning him down.

Schlatt wasn’t at all merciful towards Tubbo either. If he did anything the man didn’t like, he received some sort of punishment. He felt like a dog being trained to be a good pet for its owner. 

Though, that analogy wasn’t too far off from how he was treated.

About a month into Tubbo’s capture, he had stopped trying to escape knowing it would be a fruitless endeavor. Schlatt had quickly picked up on that piece of information and was pleased enough to know that he could now use this tiny boy to his advantage without him attempting to run away again.

So now Tubbo was on one of his little spy trips for Schlatt. Schlatt realized fairly quickly that he was small and knew how to get into hidden spaces and stay undetected. 

So every so often, Schlatt would send Tubbo out just before the sun rose to go out into Manburg and gather any inside intelligence he could and report back to Schlatt at the end of the day.

Schlatt was kind enough to drop him off at different locations in the mornings, but after that, he was left to traverse the area on his own, a difficult task for a borrower. 

Tubbo was forced to make do with the situation, he didn’t want to try his luck at gaining more favors from Schlatt.

However, Tubbo was not completely under Schlatt’s thumb. While he did have to go out and retrieve information for the man, he always found a way to leave out the details that would mark people as traitors. 

He had overheard a few people in Manburg state something about a place called ‘Pogtopia’ and how Tommy and Wilbur now resided there.

Because of his spying for Schlatt, he had managed to gather the fact that Wilbur and Tommy were working together in order to find a way to overthrow Schlatt. 

With that in mind, Tubbo decided he would only need to bide his time until Schlatt was overthrown and Wilbur took back his rightful place as president of this country.

But now, it was time to report back to Schlatt. Today was a boring day, nobody really said anything that they all didn’t know. 

There was the one lady who owned the bakery that Tubbo had overheard complaining about her high taxes and thinking about becoming a spy for Pogtopia, but Schlatt didn’t need to know that.

Looking up at the white house, he took a deep breath and walked towards the building. He had only made it a few steps before the door was practically slammed open and in the doorway stood Schlatt, who looked a bit too pissed off for Tubbo’s liking. 

Schlatt spotted Tubbo almost instantly and marched over towards the borrower, who took an instinctual step back at the sudden movement. Before he could say anything else, Schlatt bent down and picked him up in a tight fist before marching right back towards the door.

“You better have some fucking good news for me, little pest. I don’t need another shit piece of news right now, so you better have something good.”

Tubbo stared wide-eyed up at the president. What bad news had he received that got Schlatt all worked up like this? 

It didn’t bode well for Tubbo though, Schlatt was not against taking his anger out on the tiny boy. He needed to make sure he calmed the man down before anything especially bad could happen.

Far too quickly, they arrived at Schlatt’s desk and Tubbo was unceremoniously dropped onto the wood. He watched as Schlatt sat down and levelled him with a hard stare.

“Well? What’ve you got for me, kid?”

Tubbo cleared his throat, he had to word everything carefully as not to further anger Schlatt, even if he had barely any information to give the man.

“I did not find much out that we didn’t already know, sir. The most interesting thing I saw was that a demon and a strange person made of diamonds were walking through the country today. I have not seen them here before, so I was unsure as to whether or not this was vital information for you or not. Other than that, it was a very normal day and nothing incriminating was found.”

Schlatt almost seemed to measure him up for a minute. Tubbo nervously stared back at him, nervous at what his reaction could be. Schlatt eventually sighed and leaned back into his chair.

“Bad and Skeppy. They shouldn’t be a threat, but they aren’t exactly a friendly party with us either. The Badlands, their faction, is a very neutral faction. I don’t trust them but no issues have arisen with them, so we shall continue with them peacefully.” He paused for a second before addressing Tubbo directly. 

“You did well enough, I suppose. I can’t really blame you when nobody says anything around you sometimes.”

Tubbo did his best not to allow the relief to cross his face. If Schlatt knew of just how much Tubbo was panicking then he would use that to his advantage to gain more power over him. He didn’t need anything else making his life harder.

“I am glad you are happy with the information I have found today. I apologize for not finding anything else for you.”

Schlatt actually smiled at him. Tubbo didn’t know what to think, the smile seemed genuine but the president was a master of deception so he couldn’t be too sure.

“Y’know, you’re a good kid. If you continue working this hard at your job, I may have to upgrade your enclosure again.” 

Tubbo wasn’t sure what to say in response to that. It seemed more of a backhanded compliment. Schlatt may have applauded him for his work and how well he did it, but he also made sure to remind him that he was still nothing more than a pet. An obedient little pet who deserved a treat when they did a good job.

“I have an idea, kid.” Tubbo looked up to the ram. He felt a small bout of nerves build up inside of him, but he shoved the bad feeling away. 

He nodded towards Schlatt to indicate he was listening, too scared that his voice would relay the slight fear he had. However, the president didn’t seem to notice as he continued on.

“Manburg is thriving right now, there’ve been very few amounts of potential betrayal and Wilbur and Tommy can do absolutely nothing against me with nobody else on their side.” Tubbo flinched at that, but if Schlatt noticed he said nothing as he continued talking. 

“So I’ve decided that I should hold a festival, one to acknowledge the success of this country under my rule. There will be games and activities for everyone and I will give a speech to the people as well. This should be the perfect way to show everyone how great the country has become, don’t you agree?” 

“Of course, Schlatt! I think that’s a perfect idea! A festival would be a good way to celebrate how far your country has come.” Tubbo’s voice shook a little as he spoke. 

He hoped the president didn’t notice how he was struggling to lie in order to appease the man. He didn’t want to call the country Schlatt’s, but if he didn’t he would be labelled a traitor on the spot.

“Exactly! You get it, kid. I knew you were a good asset for my cabinet.” He reached a finger out to ruffle Tubbo’s hair. The borrower resisted the urge to flinch away and only faked a smile up at Schlatt.

“I’m glad you think so, sir!” Schlatt sent another small smile towards the boy, finger still on his head. Tubbo let out a mental sigh of relief when he seemed to buy his lie. He felt like he was getting a whole lot better at this whole faking thing.

Schlatt began to shift his hand to grab Tubbo, the finger slipping out of his hair. The borrower found himself restricted in Schlatt’s fist once more, but in a noticeably looser grip than earlier. 

He didn’t appreciate being grabbed like this, but there was nothing he could do against Schlatt. If he attempted any form of rebellion then he would lose all the privileges he had managed to gain, and he liked the small amount of freedom he currently had.

It didn’t take long for Schlatt to reach Tubbo’s enclosure. He pat his head once more before lowering him down into the small glass enclosure. 

Tubbo only stared up helplessly as the top was placed over the enclosure, trapping him inside once more. Schlatt sent one last glance towards the small boy before making his way to the kitchen.

Tubbo didn’t move, just sitting there allowing his thoughts to run wild. This festival did actually seem like a good idea, but something about the whole plan made him feel queasy... like there was a part he was missing. 

And why had Schlatt conferred in him about the idea? The whole thing just sent Tubbo for a loop and he couldn’t explain why something just felt off about the idea of the festival.

A minute later, Schlatt returned with a small container containing bread, some pieces of strawberry and a bottlecap of water. He moved the lid off of Tubbo’s enclosure, putting the food and water into the glass box before closing it and leaving once more, this time towards his office.

Tubbo instantly made his way towards the food, the sight of it reminding him of his hunger that had built up throughout the day. He was glad that Schlatt felt the need to feed him, even if he knew it was probably because the ram didn’t need his pet to be dying on him any time soon.

He picked up a small chunk of strawberry and began to nibble on it while staring blankly out at the room he was kept in. 

His mind wandered back towards the festival idea. Something inside of him screamed that something was wrong but he didn’t know what. 

He decided it was just nerves and he chose to brush off the rising anxiety. The feeling remained but Tubbo decided to just ignore it.

What could possibly go wrong anyways?

[lutbys]

Gift Wrapping

MIND YOU THIS IS VERY UNEDITED IT IS REALLY JUST A BRAIN DUMP OF A FIC ILL EDIT IT ONE DAY JUST NOT TODAY TQVM 

Draco Malfoy x Slytherin reader

Summary: Thinking you were going to be alone in the common room, Draco sits in the corner by himself, struggling to wrap his gifts for Christmas

You hear the last doors close and the hallways were finally quiet. 

“Wher’you going?” you hear your dormmate mumble, seconds to slumber. “I’m going to go read, clear my head a bit” but you didn’t hear a response, only the small whistled breaths to indicate the they were fast asleep.

Your feet tapped on the stone stairs lightly, book in hand as you led the way to the common room.

There were always candles lit throughout the night in but that didn’t contrast with the fireplace as its brightness roared through the room, lighting up even the smallest crevices.

The fireplace was the best part of the common room, it always amazes you with the blazing fire it brings and the crackling that bring peace, almost like white noise.

Your feet tapped on the stone stairs quietly, book in hand as you made a bee line to the common room. it was dark, any surface the light of the fireplace didn’t touch was dark enough to be considered non-existent.

The fireplace was your favourite part of the dungeon. It blazing fire glowed beautifully, and the crackling of wood provided you white noise for nights like these, nights were your mind is awake and unwilling to let yourself into deep slumber.

“For fucks sake.” You heard someone whisper-grunt. You jumped out of your shoes, who could still be up this late?

Your head snapped towards the voice and it led you to the table on the farthest corner of the room, a small lantern being the only source of light that illuminated the voices features.

“Malfoy?” 

The boys head snapped up and his face glowed orange, accentuating the small bags under his eyes.

“What you do want y/l/n?”

“That’s not how you greet a fellow sixth year.” You chuckled. Its only been the fifth time you’ve talked to the boy, having only had to create conversation whenever you were with pansy. You weren’t as close as one would think, what with having the same group of friends and all. “Whatcha doin’?”

The table he occupied was covered with layers upon layers of wrapping paper and gifts, to the far corner sat three messily wrapped gifts, wrapped was an understatement. “Wrapping?”

“Seems like you’ve answered yourself y/l/n”

“d’you need any help?”

“Wouldn’t need it if mother didn’t have a no giftbag rule.” He rolled his eyes, struggling to peel of the tape that had miraculously stuck itself together. “This is bullshit!” in anger, he balled up a the piece of wrapping paper he used and tossed it behind him.

“Let me help you. Good thing, I know how to and don’t possess anger management issues.” To that, Draco glared but nevertheless pushed the gifts towards you.

With elegance, you wrapped a book, its edges crisp and the ends tucked neatly with a single piece of tape. “See! It’s like folding clothes, but not so much.” “Atypical for you to know how to wrap” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You moved on to the next gift “I mean, all these years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you fold anything.” He leaned back in his seat; his eyes glued to your hands as they reach out for the tape.

“Technically, there should be no room for you to comment since you know so little of me.”

To your surprise, the conversation flowed well. Considering his witty remarks and rude sarcasm, Draco was actually good company. With your book long forgotten, the only story you acknowledged were the ones coming out of the blonde boys mouth.

“How about animals. What d’you like?” he asked, fingering with the crisp corners of a cylindrical wrapped gift.

“Snakes. Typical for a Slytherin but there’s just something about them that’s intriguing.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Like, the flowerpot snake which are made up solely off of females and doesn’t need a mate to reproduce yet, they are the most widespread terrestrial snake in the world or- or the fact that a decapitated head of a snake can still bite and hold more venom than usual.”

Draco eyed you as your eyes gleamed from the thought of snakes, subconsciously gesturing with your hands passionately. 

“But I guess the real reason I like snakes is because we used to own one when I was little. Scales. The sweetest little thing that changed my mind completely about them.”

The boy let out a small chuckle, “Scales? Come on y/l/n, there are better names.”

“Hey! I was young and the privilege to get to name her got to me okay.”

“So where’s Scales now?”

Your head ducked, the biggest secret of your life close to slipping from your tongue. “I. It’s- it’s complicated.”

Taking it as a sign, Draco quickly averted the subject knowing he himself wasn’t comfortable with death, -if that was- the case.

The night went on until event he fireplace couldn’t keep up with their company, the fire slowly dimming to a faint, faint glow.

“I should start packing I doubt I can bring much home with all this occupying the space.” He lifted the big bag of presents neatly wrapped because of you. “Will I be seeing you again at the train?”

“No, not this year. I’ll be celebrating it with the elves and most possibly Almost Headless Nick. He pretty good company once you get used to his same performance.” You both giggled at the thought of the ghost boring the students with his same act, only satisfied at the inexperienced first years.

Draco’s heart sank. He tried to push the thought away but after the past couple hours, he regretted not talking to you sooner and now, he had no excuse to use the long ride back home to get to know you better.

“Alright then, I guess I’ll see you after break. Goodnight.”

“Draco wait-“ he barely turned around before your arms encircled around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. For a while, your heart stammered from his lack of response but instantly relaxed when his hands finally found their way around you. “Thank you for tonight. Like snakes, my perspective changed about you.” 

“Glad to know y/l/n. I’d say the same.” You both pulled away with a smile, neither wanting to end the moment but the quiet whispers of dawn approaching did. You slept that morning with the same smile, completely ignoring the loud shuffling of your dormmates rushing to the station with the bliss you felt for your new acquaintance.

-

Christmas morning felt lonelier than usual, what with barely seven people staying back at Hogwarts, the only sounds coming form the great hall being the quiet clatter of utensils and the elves sweeping the floors.

You sat alone at the table, book in hand. The same book you had that night with Draco, the same book you could never finish because you got distracted every few sentences thinking of the same boy.

Finding it useless to finish the chapter among the small distractions, your feet padded back towards your bedroom, the mound of pillows and blankets ready to sink you in the plush. 

Instead, your eyes caught on your once vacant bedside table that now occupied an envelope with your name neatly written on top.

Your hands quickly fiddled with the seal and a small box dropped onto your lap. Opening the letter you read:

The thought of you spending Christmas alone gutted me so here’s my gift to you. It’s not much but I think you’d like it. It symbolizes how I feel about you. Like snakes, you intrigue me. Looking forward to see you again. Draco. p.s. Tell Nick that his jokes aren’t funny for me. That’s my gift for him.

Your fingers found their way to the box. Sleek with the company’s name engraved on top in gold emboss. As you opened it, the sight of the necklace took your breath away.

Accompanying the silver chain was a delicate snake pendant, its details giving texture as you grazed your thumb around it, completely mesmerized by the thing like it was treasure. You sat there for what could have been hours just staring at the beautiful piece of jewellery before you had the nerve to put it on, the snake sitting beautifully on your chest. 

Like it belonged there.

a/n: anyone else made big writing goals prior to the month and burnt out early + didn’t consider the other responsibilities they have so their whole project just complete failed :( bc IT DO BE ME DOE. 

[notchesandbullets]

Time Needed to Heal (Cheater!Kija x Fiancée!Reader x Sweet!Hak)

[I can't imagine Kija actually being so cruel, so he is a little ooc. Furthermore, I do not support cheating in any way. It wrecks a person more than people think. If you're interested in someone else, break it off with your significant other. No one deserves the feelings of worthlessness that comes with being cheated on. The characters are all precious babies that deserve the world <3]

Words: 4.7k

You lifted your head up in surprise at the loud clamor that rose around you.

Outsiders?!

To say you were shocked would be an understatement. The protectors of the village didn't let anyone ever come in. Usually, anyone snooping around the borders were silenced upon contact or driven away.

You spotted distinct red hair, and a tall man was with her, carrying what looked like to be a large weapon at his side. There was also a small boy with feathers adorning his hair, who seemed to be shouting at one of the villagers for keeping him in a cage.

Ah... so they are outsiders. Perhaps Hakuryuu will take care of them.

You stared at the shining silver band on your ring finger. You had been engaged to Hakuryuu for almost a month, but neither of you were happy. There was no spark between the two of you. You had been friends when you were both children, but as time went on, it was apparent that the two of you would be just that, friends. Until the Elder decided otherwise, seeing as how you were the only girl Hakuryuu would tolerate being around. Since then, your bond had diminished into something akin to enemies.

You were miserable.

He didn't treat you the best, but you didn't really blame him. After all, it's not like you ever said anything back to him, he was the village's most esteemed and treasured person, being the Hakuryuu and all.

You followed his form, watching his white hair flow out from behind him as he ran towards the outsiders, presumably to take care of the situation. Those outsiders probably wouldn't live long.

Your eyes widened in concern as he collapsed on the ground, and you dropped what you were doing, speeding towards him.

"Hakuryuu-sama!"

You reached out to touch him, but jumped back when you made contact with his dragon arm; it was scalding hot! You winced in pain at the burn that was rapidly forming on your palm, and the outsiders looked at you in concern. Your attention was trained on the Hakuryuu, so you failed to notice the tall man's knitted eyebrows at your shrugging off your pain.

You reached out for him much more carefully this time, but Hakuryuu ignored you as he went straight to the red-haired girl's side. He called her master and your heart dropped to the pit of your stomach. Everyone in the village knew the legend of the four dragons and King Hiryuu, and it seems that this red-headed girl was the reincarnation of the red king. Hakuryuu talked animatedly with the girl, who introduced herself as Yona, and seemed very happy at his eagerness to serve her, but made clear that she wanted him as a friend, not a servant.

Hakuryuu happily obliged, offering himself up to her however she saw fit. As for you, you were dumbfounded. How someone could throw away their freedom was beyond your comprehension.

It was announced that they would be parting that day after a feast, and you were shocked.

He really was eager to accompany her...

Not that that surprised you. It was Hakuryuu after all. He seemed to live and die for the legend itself, and now that destiny had appeared right in front of him, he seemed all too ready to pick up and leave.

You sighed. It was apparent you would never understand it, but you could try. Clenching your hands into fists determinedly, you ran to Hakuryuu's room.

"Hakuryuu-sama!"

"What is it, Y/N? Can't you see you're bothering me right now?" Your eyes went wide as they landed on the red-haired girl who had introduced herself as Yona on his bed, with him sitting incredibly close to her seeing that there was almost no space in between them.

Despite not having feelings for him, your heart lurched and tears welled up in your eyes at his betrayal. You genuinely believed that he would honor the promise that tied two of you together.

Apparently not.

You ran from the room, the two left behind too shocked to even say anything. You slipped the band off your finger, and pocketed it.

Was I not good enough?

What had I done to deserve this?

Was this expected of him, to marry that girl instead of me?

Was this my fault?

Your hands shook in anger.

It's all my fault...I'm not good enough...

The intrusive thoughts invaded your mind. You ran to the edge of your village, slinging your bow and a quiver of arrows over your back. Hunting would take your mind off of things.

You settled in your favorite spot, just overlooking the mountainside. The fog was especially thick here, but you found comfort in the misty shroud. Your keen ears picked up movement to your left, and you raised your bow, pulling the bowstring taut.

"Whoa, there."

The tall man from earlier placed a finger on the tip of your arrow. You lowered the weapon slowly, narrowing your eyes at him. You recalled the villagers referring to him as 'Hak'. He leaned in closely to you, noticing the tears that had not stopped budding in the corners of your eyes.

"What's wrong?" He pestered.

You scoffed. "Like you don't know."

"Actually, I don't." He retorted flatly.

"My fiancé cheated on me with your princess." You spat venomously, taking a small amount of satisfaction in the way he flinched back in shock.

"She wouldn't do that." He defended.

"Well," You body slumped in defeat. "She might not have known he was engaged. Hakuryuu doesn't wear his band and he doesn't go around telling people either even though everyone in the village knows."

"That doesn't make it right." Hak insisted.

"No," You sighed. "I suppose it doesn't, even if I did deserve it."

He looked at you curiously, taking a seat beside you. "What makes you say that?"

Your expression was guarded. "No reason."

He continued to stare at you, but you didn't break. Then, you crouched low from your spot, bow raised.

Hak opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off as you released the arrow, a squeal cutting through the foggy air. You couldn't help the glimmer of pride that surged through you and the tiny smile that made its way onto your face.

"Wow." Hak said, impressed. "Where'd you learn to shoot like that?"

You smiled wistfully. "My mother taught me."

"Really?" He leaned forward on his elbows, gaze attentive.

You shrunk back, intimidated. His broad frame was scary and he towered over you. Hak frowned as he noticed your unease.

"A-Anyways!" Your gaze darted around your surroundings nervously. "I've got to go!"

You picked up the dead rabbit along the way, slinging it over your shoulder as you ran back towards the village. Hak watched until your figure disappeared in the tendrils of mist. Standing to his feet, he brushed off the dirt from his clothes vaguely as he thought about what you had said.

Or rather, what you didn't say.

It didn't take a genius pretty boy to see that you were hurting. Hak concluded that it was most likely from the Hakuryuu, given what little you had shared with him. He sighed, heading back the way he came. He needed to have a word with the princess.

You headed to the kitchens where the cooks were preparing food for the feast, adding your kill to the pile.

"Great catch, Lady Y/N!" The cook praised, as she began to clean and skin the animal. You beamed at the compliment. You rolled up your sleeves and bustled around the kitchen as you helped them prepare the large meal.

"You don't have to call me 'Lady', Fellsia." You offered her a warm smile, but she could see the pain behind it.

"What's wrong, child?"

"Nothing, Fellsia." You replied with what you hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'll be just fine."

She frowned at your response, but continued cooking, storing your reaction in the back of her mind. Just in case.

Soon enough, the feast was ready, and excited chatter rose around the ranks as the men, women and children from all over the village made their way into the clearing. You watched fondly from the sidelines as the kids tripped over each other in their haste to get to the food.

Your village was privileged to have hunters who caught enough game to properly feed everyone so that no one went hungry, but it wasn't without cost. You rubbed the calluses on your hands absentmindedly.  The hunters were tireless, almost spending all their time in the woods that bordered the village.

Maybe that's why Hakuryuu wanted to be with Yona and not me. At least she's around.

The corners of your mouth tipped upward in a tiny smile, the love in your heart for your people not fading as you watched them dig into the food. As long as you could prolong the smiles on their faces, it was well worth it.

You watched in pain as Hakuryuu blatantly ignored you and showed more affection and dedication to his new master in the last hour than he had in a lifetime to you. You huffed quietly and crossed your arms, feeling conflicted. You were technically still his betrothed, and was supposed to sit at his side during this meal, but Yona was there. You had nothing against the red haired princess, knowing her to be nothing but a sweetheart in her short time there and you held no resentment towards her, but what were you supposed to do?

Hesitantly, you made your way towards Hakuryuu, but once you got close to them, he sent you an icy glare that made you stop in your tracks.

"I don't need you. You can leave."

You flinched at his dismissal of you, but backed away. His order was lost in the sea of conversation that filled the table. No one noticed as you walked away.

Except for one.

Hak trailed after you, keeping some distance, but still maintaining his eye on the princess. As Yoon caught his eye, he raised an eyebrow and the Thunder Beast flickered his eyes in your direction. Yoon nodded, waving his hand in a subtle 'go ahead' for Hak to go after you. With that permission, the former general ran after you.

"Are you alright?" He asked when he caught up to you. You were in some kind of hut at the edge of the village, and it was the only one. His huge frame nearly covered the door frame as he leaned casually against it. Only the genuine concern in his eyes hinted at what he was getting at. You sniffled, rubbing your eyes frantically.

"And don't just brush it off and tell me that you're fine." He interjected firmly as you opened your mouth to speak. You closed your mouth sheepishly and your gaze trained on the floor at your feet.

You heard his footsteps as he approached you, and a second later, he hooked a finger under your chin to raise your head. Your breath caught in your throat as you found yourself staring into his cobalt eyes, a millimeter away from his face. Your eyes filled with tears as you saw the sincere worry etched into his expression and brought up your hands to cover your face.

Your plan was thwarted when he caught your wrists deftly. You could help the heat that rose to your cheeks at his proximity.

"Y/N..." He murmured, pain lingering in the depths of his eyes. "Talk to me."

"I can't." You whispered brokenly. "I can't."

He dropped your wrists from his grasp, letting his arms fall back down to his side as he pulled away from you.

"I'm sorry." You apologized softly, head bowed in shame.

Hak shook his head gently. "You have nothing to apologize for." He said firmly. "Let me at least see your hand."

You looked at him questioningly and he raised an eyebrow. "You got burned earlier right? From the White Snake's arm?"

You stifled a giggle at his nickname for the esteemed Hakuryuu, but curled open your fingers so he could look at your palm. Hak's eyes narrowed as they landed on the angry red welt. You opened your mouth to say that it'll heal with time, but stuttered gibberish as he placed a gentle kiss to the palm of your hand.

"I can't do anything else to soothe it," He murmured, stroking over the skin softly. "But maybe that'll help."

You stood there like a gaping fish after he left. Shaking your head to clear the trance, you went up to Hakuryuu as they were getting ready to depart. He took one look at your satchel, and shook his head.

"No. You're not coming with." Hakuryuu commanded. "As of now, you are no longer my betrothed. I am bound to my master and will serve her to the end of my days."

Hurt flashed in your eyes as his words sunk in. You took one look at his and Yona's intertwined hands and decided you were done running. Running away from this situation, your pain, everything. The village would survive without one of their hunters.

"Alright." You conceded and Hakuryuu nodded, satisfied. Hak eyed you suspiciously. There was no way you were content with having to stay behind. In the short time he's known you, you were anything but as weak as you seemed just now. As they left Hakuryuu village, he didn't need to look over his shoulder to know that you were following them.

What had started as a revenge mission had quickly faded into something else. You had been a little ways behind them when you saw the bandits attack. Gathering up your bow, you scurried up a tree, taking careful aim. As much as you hated Hakuryuu for the pain he caused you, you didn't want him to die.

You had learned the youngest boy's name was Yoon, and the sound of his irritation almost made you fall out of a tree more than once. Shortly after they had left the village, you heard Yona ask for Hakuryuu's name, to which he responded that his name was Kija. The raw emotion in his voice overtook you and you had stopped in your tracks. You couldn't remember the last time he had been called by his real name. Sympathy flooded over you and tears sprang at the corners of your eyes.

Just how much had your village dehumanized him?

You took out several of the ones in the back, nearly getting shot in the head as you took notice of the group's particular fighting styles.

To say you were impressed would be an understatement. It was clear that Yona had little to no experience with a weapon, but under Yoon's guidance, was able to take out one of the archers. Kija's dragon claw was certainly nothing to be underestimated in battle, but you were completely overtaken by Hak's abilities. The way he moved, he was so graceful when he fought.

You bit back a scream as an arrow zipped by, clipping your shoulder. You couldn't pull back on your bowstring, rendering it almost useless. As the bandit charged at you, you used the wooden weapon to whack him in the back of the head. Then you pulled back out of sight as he fell at your feet, darting deep into the woods. You had a feeling that a certain someone knew you were there all along.

Darkness quickly fell, as you ducked further into the forest, putting a decent amount of distance between them and you. You found a small cave and made camp for the night, being careful to keep pressure on your shoulder to stop the bleeding. You winced as you settled on your side, the blood stinging through your rough patch job.

You woke up suddenly to a hand covering your mouth. Your eyes shot open, widening in surprise as they landed on a familiar cobalt gaze.

"Hak," You breathed, relieved. "Geez, you scared me."

He inclined his head in apology before landing on your messily bandaged shoulder.

"What happened there?" He asked rhetorically.

You smiled meekly, knowing that he knew you were there. "I was just trying to help." You explained quietly, expecting to be berated. You were surprised when he pulled out a small canister of water and a clean rag from behind his back.

"Show me."

You hesitated before peeling off your outer robe, slipping off the sleeve of your shoulder. Hak's eyes darkened as they landed on the crimson blood that seeped through the cotton pad. With gentleness you didn't know he possessed, Hak carefully peeled away the gauze and you bit your lip at the sting as the cold night air hit it.

You flinched away from him as he cleaned the cut and Hak's brow knitted. He wished there was some way to make it easier to you.

Something to take your mind off of the pain.

"Aren't they going to be wondering where you are?" You asked, mistaking his concern for you as concern for the others. "I'll be f-"

"If you say 'I'll be fine' one more time, and I will kiss you." Hak interrupted flatly. Your mouth dropped open in shock.

Surely you didn't hear him right.

He gave no indication that anything was wrong, making you second guess what you thought you heard. You cursed under your breath as he put pressure on your wound, hand flying on top of his. You froze, and he stared at you, wide-eyed.

"S-Sorry..." You stuttered out, cheeks coloring as you lowered your hand. Hak turned his attention back to your wound, tending to it silently. He bandaged it securely, and the pressure eased some of the pain.

You sighed in relief. "Thank you." You said gratefully and Hak smiled gently at you, brushing it off.

The two of you sat in silence for several moments. You played with your thumbs, unsure as to what to do next. You assumed he would leave, but he made no movement to do so.

"Hak?" You asked in surprise as he settled down beside you. "Don't you need to return to the others?"

He waved off your concern. "Yoon's keeping an eye on things, and the White Snake actually isn't half bad at fighting. Between the two of them, the princess is safe. It's you that's not."

"I'll be-"

Your eyes went wide as soft lips pressed against yours. Hak's hand brushed away the hair that fell into your face. "I warned you." He said softly, cupping your jaw, leaning in for another kiss.

Your eyes fluttered shut as he kissed you again, his other arm wrapping around your waist. You let out a squeak as he pulled you into his lap, not breaking contact.

"Y/N..." He whispered, eyes hooded. "Let me show you what it's like to be treasured."

You sucked in a sharp breath as he planted sweet kisses on your neck, and your hands clutched the front of his robe, keeping him against you.

Hak groaned and you leaped back. This time you were sure that you weren't hearing things. His groan was filled with agony, not pleasure. You tore off his outer robe, despite his protests and froze when your eyes landed on the scarlet gash on his chest. It was covered by multiple bandages criss-crossing his torso, and your eyes narrowed.

Your jaw clenched, and your breath became heavier with each passing second. "When did this happen?"

Hak sighed, crossing his legs and leaned back on his hands. "When the Princess and I were pushed off of a cliff."

You slammed your hands down on the ground, eyes blazing with fury.

The man studied you closely before continuing. "It reopened in our skirmish with the bandits."

You got up from the ground, shoving your things into your satchel harshly. Hak stared at you, confused as you picked up camp within seconds.

"Let's go. We're going back."

Hak couldn't contain the smirk that made its way onto his face. "We?"

"Yes, 'we'," You snapped, heading in the direction of their campsite. The fire had since died down, but you could recall the general area they were in. "Hurry up. You're going to die if you fall behind."

Hak grumbled behind you, muttering something about a priest and how he wasn't allowed to die and you giggled softly. What he said next made you stop dead in your tracks.

"White Snake is there. Are you sure you want to make yourself known?" He eyed you critically as you turned to face him, eyes filled with determination.

"He doesn't have to acknowledge me." You shrugged.

"But will you be able to bear the consequences that it inflicts on you?" He questioned, expression serious. "The pain that comes with it?"

You nodded firmly, flicking your gaze up to meet him. "He owes me an apology, not an explanation."

Hak was stunned at your courage and strong will, then he grinned.

She'll sure be a handful, huh...

Upon arrival, you were startled to see that they were all awake. Well, Kija and Yona were, Yoon was half asleep, still buried in his bedroll. The shame on Kija's expression was foreign to you, but you didn't spare him a second look.

"Y/N." Kija whispered brokenly and you almost tripped. He's never said your name with such gentleness before.

You crossed your arms over your chest, glaring down at him. Kija winced at your harsh stare, but didn't move otherwise. You tried to conceal your surprise when he knelt down on the ground, pressing his forehead to the ground in a low bow.

"Y/N, I am truly sorry for the pain that I caused you. I was aware of my actions, but I ignored the guilt due to the fact that neither one of us were really happy to be engaged to each other in the first place. That doesn't excuse what I've done, though, and I'm not trying to justify it. I am just trying to say that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears fell from Kija's eyes and you could tell he was regretful for the hurt and pain he caused you.

"Kija." He looked up in surprise. It was the first time you called him by his name. "I forgive you."

"Thank you," He breathed. "I don't deserve it."

You shook your head, ignoring Hak's mumble under his breath about how he agreed that Kija didn't deserve it. "It's not about merit. I forgive you, Kija because I want to."

Hak came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind and resting his chin on your head. "White Snake," A vein popped out of Kija's forehead. "Hurt her again and I won't hold back."

Kija's eyes widened as he heard the not so subtle threat, but nodded seriously. Satisfied with his answer, Hak picked you up and slung you over his shoulder as he walked back into the forest.

You saw Yona flash you a thumbs up from Kija's side and you grinned.

"Haaaaaaak~" You whined. "Where are we going?"

You yelped as he suddenly put you down, but his hands didn't stray from your waist. Hak leaned down, resting his forehead against yours. His breath fanned out against your face and you giggled, weaving your fingers with his.

"I just want one moment with you."

You relaxed in his hold, the sounds of your steady breathing the only thing that echoed in the air.

You didn't make it back to camp. Hak kept you flush against his chest, ignoring your scolding as you exclaimed, "You're still healing!"

Eventually, you stopped trying to escape his grip and snuggled into his side, being mindful of his very large, very alarming injury. As your breath evened out, Hak kept a watchful eye on your surroundings.

"I'll protect you, Y/N." He murmured into your hair, "You don't have to worry about not being loved anymore. I can't undo the hurt that he's put you through, but maybe I can be a constant for you to come back to."

He missed eyes that blinked open at his confession as he fell into a deep sleep.

///

The next morning, you were mysteriously back in the camp. Your eyebrow furrowed as you rolled your shoulders, noting that there was no pain. Kija and Hak were across from you, surprisingly not arguing but they were both peering at you closely that made you jump to your feet.

"How long was I asleep?!" You cried out, eyes immediately finding Hak's as he smirked.

He leaned his chin on his palm leisurely. "About a day and a half."

"Why didn't you wake me up?!" You screeched, launching yourself at him. He caught you by your shoulders easily, turning you around and plopping you in his lap, arms winding around your waist.

"Don't give me that." He chastised, smirk never leaving his face, but dimming slightly as his serious tone bubbled up to the surface. "Just how long has it been since you've had a proper night's sleep?"

You smiled sheepishly and Hak rolled his eyes. Kija looked at you confused, and you clarified. "Sometimes, the hunters stay out all night, waiting for the right moment. It takes a toll on our personal lives."

Kija didn't miss the silent jab, and the guilt increased as he felt even worse about his past actions.

You sighed. "I'm sorry," You apologized, paying Hak no attention as he muttered something into your back. "I really didn't mean it like that."

Kija's eyes shone with remorse and you broke out of Hak's hold to hug him. "I really am sorry. Let's try to forget about it, okay?"

He sniffled, rubbing at his eyes furiously, almost turning them red.

"Where's my hug?" Hak extended his arms out, huffing as you stuck out your tongue playfully at him.

"Did Yoon tell you to go do something?"

Your grin widened as Hak shot off into the woods. Apparently the mother had asked him to do something.

Where would he be without me...

You smiled wistfully. You never thought you would have this kind of relationship. One of ease and comfort. One that wasn't forced by external vectors.  

You threw a smile over your shoulder and Kija's eyes widened at the joy that sparkled within your gaze.

"You seem happy." You commented, recognizing the faraway look in his gaze.

He looked down. "I am..."

He trailed off, not finishing his sentence and you patted his shoulder.

"I know." Kija looked up at you in surprise. "You're happy, but you also feel guilty because of what you put me through." You guessed and Kija nodded, ashamed of his previous actions.

"You make up for it by not doing it to her." You gestured to Yona, who had just returned with Yoon from the river. Kija nodded determinedly. You walked over to him, and slipped something into his hand. He felt cold metal and looked down.

It was your engagement band.

"For Yona," You winked. "When the time is right."

Kija curled his fingers around the small circle. He wouldn't let you down this time.

As Hak broke through the treeline, he picked you up and spun you around. Your shriek of laughter echoed through the forest, causing the rest of the group to smile at your happiness. Yona couldn't be more delighted. She had never seen Hak this carefree, this happy, he was always too busy worrying about her safety. She took Kija's hand in hers, blushes coloring both of their cheeks at the contact. Now, she had someone else to watch her back so that Hak could be a little more free.

You couldn't contain your smile. After so long, someone had shown you what it was like to truly be cared for.

I didn't deserve what happened to me. It wasn't my fault. I am loved.

[rjt4]

James Baldwin vs William F Buckley: A legendary debate from 1965

In this account, Joss Harrison looks back at one of the most powerful yet overlooked victories of the American civil rights movement.

Cambridge, 1965. James Baldwin, the renowned African American social critic, meets William Buckley, a leading conservative whose silver tongue and social class had for years masked the vile racism at the core of his philosophy. It was a seminal debate. I, for one, can think of no better way to celebrate Black History Month than a reliving of this occasion, when Baldwin dismantled his racist opponent through cool reason and unimpeachable sincerity, earning an unprecedented ovation from the practically all-white audience at the Cambridge Union in the process.

But first, we must properly introduce our protagonist. James Baldwin, born into poverty in Harlem, was by 1965 one of America’s most eloquent social critics. He wrote about race and class and sexuality and morality. He participated actively in the civil rights movement of the 1950s and 1960s while also, a gay man himself, standing up to homophobic attitudes in that movement.

And then, our antagonist. William F. Buckley Jr, born into wealth and privilege. He founded National Review, a conservative publication, in 1955, and from this pulpit helped to lay the groundworks for the American political shift rightwards that began with Barry Goldwater’s candidacy for the presidency in 1964, and peaked with the successful election and then re-election of Ronald Reagan during the 1980s. A significant man, then, clearly, but also a vile defender of segregation and white supremacy, thinly-disguised by his gentility.

And so, to the debate. Baldwin stands to speak. The motion: “The American Dream is at the Expense of the American Negro.” There are around seven hundred people in the chamber, and just two of them are black. One is Baldwin himself, another is a friend come to support him. Come twenty minutes later, that entire audience will be on its feet in an ovation unprecedented in the history of the Cambridge Union.

He sets the tone with a brilliant opener. “I find myself, not for the first time, in the position of a kind of Jeremiah.” He looks and sounds solemn, but perfectly calm.

He movingly describes the moment in a black American’s childhood when they realise that “the flag to which you have pledged allegiance, along with everybody else, has not pledged allegiance to you.” Black boys and girls, men and women, he says, are constantly reminded that there is no place for them in American society. They do not appear in the history books. It is as though they are “worthless” and lacking in any history or culture. The most tragic thing: they believe it, because, as Baldwin says, “I didn’t have much choice.”

Baldwin’s tone becomes withering, though, when responding to Robert Kennedy’s suggestion that it might be possible for America to have a black president in forty years. (Although that remark proved to be prescient.) Baldwin was consistently critical of John F. Kennedy’s record on civil rights while in office. This was the general attitude within the civil rights movement at the time, yet history has nonetheless remembered the Kennedy Administration has a great promoter of civil rights. Anyway, to Baldwin’s response. There is an edge to his voice now, a kind of controlled anger. “He tells us that maybe, in forty years, if you’re good, we may let you become president.” Baldwin, clearly, does not intend to be patronised.

However, as moving and emotive and sharp as the preceding critiques undoubtedly are, there is a clear pinnacle of his brilliant remarks. He says, with absolute sincerity and solemnity, and another hint of that contained anger: “I picked the cotton, and I carried it to the market, and I built the railroads, under someone else’s whip. For nothing. For nothing.” With each “I” he sharply raises his voice and you can hear his words echo around the chamber, which is, by now, completely hushed. This is the beating heart of his argument. He urges us to look below the surface layer, to challenge assumptions so deeply entrenched within ourselves that we aren’t even aware of their assistance. He removes the lens through which we look at the world and offers us his own, and through his lens there is breath-taking clarity.

When Baldwin is finished, and he has received his ovation, Buckley stands, and the difference between the two men is immediately apparent. Buckley is dressed in a full dinner suit and bow tie, as was required by the Cambridge Union. Baldwin had ignored this requirement. His mannerisms display a manifest sense of superiority, from the smirk on his face to the pointed finger he waves in the air. He speaks in a lazy drawl, as though such a facile debate requires him only to use a fraction of his capabilities. This article will not go into depth on his arguments. They are too poisonous to merit the publicity. There are a few remarks, however, that usefully display the bankruptcy of his position. To start, he says to Baldwin that he will speak “without any reference whatever to these surrounding protections which you are used to in virtue of the fact you are a Negro.” The accusation is as clear as it is ignorant: that far from being discriminated against on account of the colour of their skin, African Americans use it to make themselves immune to reproach.

It is perhaps a sign of his desperation that Buckley resorts to personal attacks on his opponent. He calls Baldwin a “posturing hero”, worthy of “contempt”. Bizarrely, he even accuses Baldwin of adopting an English accent to ingratiate himself to the audience. (This is demonstrably false, and is a particularly ironic accusation given that Buckley himself was well-known for speaking in a transatlantic tone.)

He moves on to demonstrate his complete ignorance of the problems faced by black Americans in society. Bristling at Baldwin’s claim that the American economy was built by the unremunerated labour of black people, Buckley cries: “My great grandparents worked too!” Contemptible. He also claims that African Americans should be grateful for the society in which they live, because they are better off than the vast majority of the world’s population just by dint of being Americans. He cannot believe the cheek, the nerve! of black Americans to complain about injustice when they should, in fact, be grateful for the privilege of living in ‘the greatest country in the world’.

Throughout Buckley’s remarks, the camera regularly switches to Baldwin. His eyebrows are raised and his eyes wide. He is a picture of calm. As Buckley swings at him, again and again, and each time fails to land a blow, Baldwin’s face displays not anger, not distaste, but pity.

The Union voted by a margin of 544 to 164 in favour of Baldwin, a vast majority of 380 votes. But in truth, this is irrelevant. Baldwin didn’t beat his opponent because the Cambridge Union decreed it so. He won by the power of his argument. Against such an intellect, such a debater, such a deliverer of moral clarity, the vile segregationist never stood a chance.

[alcalavicci]

1988 interview with Dean. This is a really good one and helps bring more of his life into perspective. Note: the newspaper originally censored his swearing, but I’ve put it back.

Guthman, Edward. "Dean Stockwell: Third Time's a Charm." The San Francisco Examiner (San Francisco, California), August 14, 1988.

“Six years ago, Dean Stockwell's acting career had turned to dust. Reduced to playing parts in unreleasable, made-in-Mexico movies that now make him cringe, Stockwell decided to chuck it all and get out of Hollywood.

“Along with his second wife, Joy, Stockwell moved to Santa Fe, settled down under the wide New Mexico sky and applied for a real estate license. He even placed an ad in Daily Variety to announce his exile: 'Dean Stockwell will help you with all your real estate needs in the new center of creative energy.'

“Stockwell never sold a house; he didn't need to. Instead, almost as soon as he'd relocated, things started happening to the former 1940s child star. It began with a small part in David Lynch's 'Dune,' and escalated with an important supporting role in Wim Wenders' highly regarded 'Paris, Texas.'

“Moving back to California to cash in on his fortune, Stockwell acted in 'Beverly Hills Cop II,' 'Gardens of Stone,' and 'To Live and Die in L.A.' He also played a cameo role, as Howard Hughes, in the newly released 'Tucker: The Man and His Dream.' And in 'Blue Velvet,' David Lynch's American nightmare, he delivered a chilling cameo as Ben, a waxlike, sexually ambiguous drug dealer.

“And now, at 52, Stockwell says he's found 'the favorite role I've had, by far.'

“The picture is 'Married to the Mob,' a dark, romantic comedy by Jonathan Demme ('Melvin and Howard,' 'Stop Making Sense') and Stockwell plays Mafia don Tony 'the Tiger' Russo. Wearing an Al Capone fedora and full-length vicuna coat, Tony is a rich, sardonic, larger-than-life character -- the kind Stockwell has never had a chance to play until now.

“Opening Friday at the Galaxy and UA the Movies, 'Married to the Mob' has been touted as Demme's first shot at a genuine box-office winner. Set in Long Island, New Jersey and Florida, it stars Michelle Pfeiffer as Angela DeMarco, a young Mafia wife who tries to start a new life when her husband, Frankie 'the Cucumber' DeMarco, is pumped full of lead during a hot-tub tryst at the Fantasia Motel.

“When Stockwell's character isn't ordering hits, drug deals and the dumping of toxic waste, he's lusting assiduously after the gorgeous widow. Meanwhile, bumbling FBI agent Mike Downey (played by Matthew Modine) is jumping through hoops trying to shadow Angela and 'catch Tony with his pants down.' Instead, he falls in love with Angela.

“During a recent luncheon interview, not far from his central California home, Stockwell spoke about the film, about his new happiness as the father of two children and about the bizarre trajectory of his long career. Dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and slacks, wearing a Panama hat and drawing first on a cigaret, later on a cigar, Stockwell emanates prosperity and calm.

“'I don't know why I was unemployed so long,' he says, reflecting on a fallow period that started in the '60s and lasted the better part of two decades. 'The only thing I can figure out in my own mind is that, for some reason or another, I was being made to wait until a certain time in my life when my talent would reach its full maturity and fruition.'

“Ironically, he says, he felt just as equipped 10 years ago to do the work he's doing now -- 'only I couldn't get fucking arrested.'

“Today, Stockwell sees harmony in the fact that his new success coincides with the arrival of two children. His son, Austin, will be 5 in November, and his daughter, Sophia, turns 3 this month. Inordinately proud and protective, he refuses to allow his children to be photographed, and also requests that the town in which he and his family reside not be named. (There were no children from his first marriage, to Millie Perkins, which lasted from 1960 to 1962.)

“'I want to make a lot of money and I want to put it away for my children,' he says. To that end, Stockwell has been snapping up job offers. 'A lot of people ask me, "How have you been able to choose these wonderful things you're doing? Have you been very selective?" And I have to tell them, "I haven't been choosing what I'm doing." Things have been coming and I've been accepting virtually anything that's come.'

“Stockwell's ambition is so great that, for the first time in his life, he actively pursues aspects of his career that he once shunned- interviews, for example.

“'My entire motivation in life is my family,' he says. 'I don't need to get an award. I don't need recognition. I've had that already. What I need is to provide. The best way I can provide is to be successful, and the best way I can be successful is to take advantage of all the things at my disposal to achieve that, one of which certainly is press.'

“Take a look at the young Stockwell, specifically the version that emerges from old magazine and newspaper interviews, and you meet another person altogether.

“Robbed of a normal childhood, Stockwell had made 22 films by the time he was 15 -- including 'The Boy with Green Hair,' 'Kim,' 'Anchors Aweigh,' and the Oscar-winning 'Gentleman's Agreement.' Working nonstop, he had a privileged life that millions of children probably envied, but he loathed it nonetheless.

“The son of show-business parents -- his father, Harry Stockwell, was the voice of the Prince in 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,' and his mother, Betty Veronica, was a former stage dancer -- Stockwell made his professional debut at 7. It all happened by a fluke: when Stockwell accompanied his older brother, Guy, on a Broadway audition, the casting director took a liking to both boys, and cast each one. The play, aptly enough, was called 'Innocent Voyage,' and it led to an MGM contract for curly-haired Dean.

“From the beginning, the pressure on young Stockwell was intense. His parents had divorced when he was 6, and when his father defaulted on child-support payments, Dean reluctantly became the family provider. Over a six-year period, he averaged three to four films per year.

“At home, he says, 'There was a lot of friction... I was getting all the attention, but I hated it. [Guy] couldn't appreciate that, because he wasn't getting the attention. He had all these friends, his peer group, that he took for granted. I had none and I resented him for being able to live that way. I was fucking lonely.'

“When he was 13, chained to a seven-year contract, Stockwell was described by one magazine as 'a young rebel who despises acting and resents every moment it takes from his fleeting boyhood.' Many years later, Stockwell told columnist Hedda Hopper, 'Child actors exist in a sort of limbo between childhood and maturity and belong to neither. Adults take them too seriously and other children are either awed or hostile. A child actor can find friends in neither group.'

“Finally, Stockwell fled Hollywood when he was 16. He cut off his curly locks, started using his real name, Robert Stockwell, and for the next five years roamed the country, working menial jobs and disavowing his true identity. 'People that might have known me from seeing my films knew me as a young child,' he remembers. 'Now I was 17 and I wasn't that recognizable.'

“Around the time of his 21st birthday, Stockwell was pushing papers as mail boy to a Manhattan plumbing firm. 'Of all the jobs that I'd had in those intervening years,' he remembers. 'I think I hated that worse than anything. I came to the realization I had no training at anything. My primary education was very skimpy, very poor, and happened under the worst type of conditions. I was literally at the mercy of the world.'

“Most of Stockwell's childhood earnings were squandered by crooked accountants, he says, and he knew that the tiny sum being held in a trust wouldn't last forever. 'So I thought, "What am I gonna do? Well, let's go back and attack this [acting career] again, and see if I can do it a little more on my terms."'

“What followed for Stockwell was a brief but impressive 'second career.' He starred in the 1959 film 'Compulsion,' based on the Leopold-Loeb case of the '20s, and won a joint acting award with Orson Welles and Bradford Dillman at the Cannes Film Festival. He played the lead in the 1960 film of D. H. Lawrence's 'Sons and Lovers,' and in 1962 scored the plum role of Edmund Tyrone in Sidney Lumet's film version of 'Long Day's Journey Into Night,' holding his own alongside Katharine Hepburn, Ralph Richardson and Jason Robards.

“Stockwell was winning the best parts, but found his attention drifting elsewhere. What was happening, he says, were the first signs of the '60s youth revolution. 'It captured my imagination as much as anybody's. And it represented to me -- I can see this in retrospect -- something in childhood that I had missed: the freedom and loving being alive, without responsibilities and work and having to report to the studio every day, and deal with fans and interviews and shit that I hated when I was a kid.'

“So Stockwell called his agent, said, 'I'm not workin',' and dropped out once again. When he tried to come back three years later, though, 'I found it very difficult, 'cause I'd been out-of-sight, out-of-mind.' What followed was a long period of marginal employment: He found some TV work, took parts in low-budget trash ('The Dunwich Horror') and occasional oddities (Dennis Hopper's 'The Last Movie') and co-directed a film with musician Neil Young ('Human Highway') but often just didn't work at all. At one point, he went 18 months without a job.

“Today, along with his buddy Hopper, Stockwell is enjoying a major career renaissance. And with his starring role in 'Married to the Mob,' he says, he's never felt more confident.

“'I knew before I started the film that this character was going to work in spades,' he says, adding that Demme, as director, deserves credit for taking a risk with such offbeat casting. Instead of picking Peter Falk, Vincent Gardenia or another ethnically identified actor to play the Mafia don, he went with Stockwell (who is actually half-Italian on his mother's side).

“Demme's inspiration occurred on a flight from Los Angeles to New York, when he opened a copy of the Hollywood Reporter. Stockwell had just changed agents, and in order to announce the fact, had taken out a full-page ad. Demme saw the picture, and instantly recognized his Tony.

“Weirdly enough, Stockwell made another film immediately prior to 'Married to the Mob': a Canadian feature called 'Palais Royale,' due for an October release, in which he plays a character almost identical to Tony Russo.

“'It's very curious,' he says. 'For all my years I'd never had a role like this come my way, and here it was twice. The Mafia don in New York, the Mafia don in Toronto, both of them colorful and charming and also threatening. And I just thought, "What am I gonna do? It's the same character." So I decided to do the same character in both those movies.'

“To take the coincidence 'one nauseating step further,' Stockwell says he's also got a part in the recently completed 'Backtrack,' Hopper's next film. This time he plays a corrupt mob lawyer, dropping the Italian accent for a generalized East Coast sound.

“It would be difficult to find a film actor who's busier than Stockwell at this moment. And it would be difficult to find anyone whose job history better illustrates the vicissitudes, serendipities and insecurity of a Hollywood career.

“Looking back on his misfortunes -- at the career that he was forced to accept as a child, and the humiliation he felt when he couldn't maintain it as an adult -- Stockwell says he's not bitter. 'When you reach your maturity, I think it behooves you to accept the fact that it's absolutely futile and fruitless even to speculate on changing anything in your life. All you can do is get embittered. So I accept everything that's happened as part of my life, and try to push it in a positive direction from the moment right now.'”

[snkpolls]

SnK 131 Chapter Poll Results

The chapter poll closed with  2,192 responses. This month’s poll results were brought to you by @momtaku​, /u/staraves, Crunchwrap, u/_Puppet_, Luna.  Thanks as always for your support.

  RATE THE CHAPTER 2,118 responses

This was a standout chapter for the fandom, garnering a positive rating from over 90% of respondents and an average score of 4.68 which makes it the highest rated chapter since 122 - and in the top 5 in the history of the poll! Many of you were eager to express your enjoyment of it, with this question getting the most responses it has since chapter 102 (over two years ago!). As we go deeper into the endgame, it’s good to know enthusiasm is going strong.

Yams is a damn genius. This is one chapter I have not been able to stop thinking about or rereading. It's just... its so fucked up and SO. WELL. DONE.

I really, really loved this chapter. My favourite so far probably.

This is the first time I cried after a chapter. It hit me so hard.

Almost made me quit the manga. We finally got a confession from Armin, but right in the middle of all that grief, I couldn't enjoy it. Poor Ramzi and Halill, and all other innocent people beyond and within the Walls.

This chapter has had a ripple effect on how I’m seeing the series now in retrospect. I’ve been re-reading the manga , & I’ve become very melancholic after the Rumbling , knowing  everything was leading to this.

This was a phenomenal chapter. Thank you Isayama for everything.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT?

2,137 responses

Finding a favorite moment in a tragic chapter isn’t easy but we managed. “Child Eren’s moment of happiness” tops the list with an impressive 30% of respondents. “Seeing the reality of the rumbling” (18.8%), “Eren’s tearful apology to Ramzi” (15.9%) and “Getting Eren’s thoughts on the Rumbling while in Marley” (13.8%) round out the top four.

Very cool to finally see the destruction caused by the rumbling and some more insight into Eren's character

I like that this chapter showed perspectives from both the initiator of the rumbling (Eren) and the victims of his choice. It makes you sympathize with Eren, but at the same time, terrifies you with the price humanity has to pay.

Definitely one of the most depressing, if not the most depressing chapter thus far. Isayama brilliantly handled the transition between Eren's despair and the result of Eren's despair (Rumbling). Beautiful artwork. Great cliffhanger. Definitely a 9/10.

Tragic, Terrifying, Heartbreaking also Awesome because atleast AruAni became somewhat cannon

beautiful art as usual

The freedom scene with kid eren is the most beautiful/horrifying scene of the manga.

I also loved the Annie and Armin talk, anyone who says it's shipping cringe is a child, this was a long time coming and it was executed beautifully. (I also love how Hitch was mentioned twice, she would be proud of Armin this chapter.)

Ramzi and Halil deaths were the saddest part of this chapter, and I don't know about Ymir, but I guess she's helping Eren.

The panel showing the wall titans faces, especially the one shown on the right with empty eye sockets, gave me the chills. Can't wait to see how things will go down between the gang and Eren.

  WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP? 2,144 responses

This month giving us the most harrowing chapter in a while made it feel wrong to be looking for an MVP amidst all this despair, and almost half of you agree (47.5%). Just over a quarter of you believe the Eren focus earned him the spot (28.9%), with 9.4% choosing Armin and 9.1% selecting best bros Ramzi and Halil. A distant minority of you chose Annie and Birb, the former of which coming dead last. Poor Annie, you’ll be more popular than a bird one day.

the true mvp was the depression we got along the way

Eren needs a hug

Eren needs to be put down.

I really admire the way Isayama deeply makes you care for a character in a few panels, like he did for those two - relatively unknown - boys.

Annie is the best girl

birbs are the rreak mvp since chap 1

  EIGHT MONTHS AFTER FIRST APPEARING IN THE MEMORY SHARDS, WE GET FEZ-KUN’S STORY.  DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS? 2,121 responses

Only a month ago, the fandom had no idea what to make of the mysterious Fez-Kun. The plucky pickpocket had a simple but effective story, and knew more secrets than he could possibly have understood. A perfect half of respondents were pleasantly surprised with Fez kid’s part in the story. 41.2% were content as it was about what they expected. 6.2% wanted to see a more in-depth picture but alas, that chance has been crushed mercilessly along with Ramzi’s hopes and dreams (and… the rest of him). 2.5% just weren’t into anything that let Eren lean into some morally black territory. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of grey shades here. Very dark shades of grey.

I didn't expect Ramzy's story to be expanded on, but it's so brutal to see the man he's been talking to killing him, his brother, his family and his hopes.

I know Ramzi and Halil were plot devices, but damn their death hit hard.

I think Eren saving Ramzi is foreshadowing. He knew Ramzi was gonna die in rumbling, yet he saved him. Same will happen, after someone reaching him and reminding him who he is, Eren will stop this madness and die. Or I wanna be hopeful.

even if i'm satisfied with Ramzi's story, I wish there would have been more to it because it is a tiny bit dissapointing but it's more or less what I expected.

Ramzi and Halil didn’t deserve death

i think everybody who dies in this rumbling will get back alive same will happen to halil and ramzi they will come back alive

Ramzi and Halil's deaths were so horrible but so good to see, because this is what it means when you destroy the world. You don't get to pluck out the nice ones and enjoy killing the bad ones. It's the height of cruel selfishness. And no amount of apologies changes that.

Ramzi and Halil deserved so much better

  WHY WAS EREN DISAPPOINTED THAT HUMANITY EXISTED OUTSIDE THE WALLS? 2,117 responses

There’s been disagreement over exactly what Eren meant when he said he was disappointed that humanity existed outside the walls and our poll reflects that. Just over a third of the fandom (34.2%) take Eren’s words literally and believe that his disappointment was with any existence of humanity since it marred his pristine childhood vision. The second most popular option is that he was disappointed in the attitudes, selecting “he was disappointed to discover all of humanity was filled with violence and oppression” (29.5%). We deliberately left off an “All of the above” option but that didn’t stop more than 50 people from writing it in.

He is disappointed at the fact that he has to fight humans with homes, families, pasts and futures and not mindless titans.

It's also a clear contrast between the outside world Armin envisioned and the one Eren wanted. Armin genuinely wanted to know more about it, Eren wanted his worldwide natural park to walk on. When it was full of civilization, he wanted to get rid of it. Like any typical villain wanting to purify the Earth of all the worms infesting it.

When he discovered that humans are just as cruel within the walls as without, it put his entire journey into perspective. He could not be Eren the hero or Eren the explorer and ultimately meant that the sacrifices made by his comrades were negligible in comparison to the big, cruel world , at least in his own mind.

He thought of all the beautiful landscapes and stuff that Armin showed him. Too bad there's these stupid humans in the way. Makes sense to eliminate the entire human population ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Everyone's fight against titans was pointless and the people who caged them could enjoy the things that Eren will never experience. The world is not a uninhabited landscape open to explore it, the world didn't need them and their freedom wasn't a possibility to enjoy it like the others civilizations do.

The world was out there and yet they did NOTHING to help Eldia

yes, eren is disappointed because there are now more enemies. but more than that, he's disappointed that they're not the monsters he's imagined them to be. that he can't kill them without feeling guilt and remorse.

he would never be able to enjoy the freedom he wanted because the clock is ticking and he will have to keep on resisting the whole world till the end without ever having time to properly realize his dream

I think he's disappointed in the fact that he's feeling sorry for humanity outside the walls just like Reiner used to feel sorry about people inside the walls. When he discovered Reiner was a traitor, he especially hated that part of his behavior, and how he realizes they're not that different, and in any case he's worse because at least Reiner had his child soldier brainwashing as an excuse

His disappointment is as bad as it sounds, having to deal with humans outside the walls was too bothersome for him and when the option to wipe them out was available to him, he was more inclined to take it, instead of fight for another resolution.

Typical privileged White boy outraged by prejudice and hatred OUTSIDE the walls, as if that didn't exist in Paradis already.

Any hopeful expectation Eren had of the outside world were completely decimated. Not only did he discover that humanity hadn't perished, but they actively contributed to or blissfully ignored Paradis' hell. In addition, the outside world is exploiting one other for resources. Paradis’ synthetically concocted hell is just part of a game to the outside world (there’s some uncomfortable real-world allusions here and I think it’s important that it’s being explored). Eren thought he was the saviour of humanity only to discover everything's he's done was for naught, humanity's the problem in his eyes.

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF EREN’S CONTRADICTORY NATURE? 2,106 responses

Deciding to crush the vast majority of the world and its citizens kind of takes a mental toll on people. Who knew? 48% of respondents think Eren’s emotional breakdown side by side with determination to reach freedom at any cost is simply him deciding the results will be worth his immense guilt. 23.2% think it’s a very human case of cognitive dissonance, and that Eren’s just trying to juggle his conflicting values. 19.2% believe his mental state is fraying at the seams reminiscent of the way Reiner’s did. 6.8% don’t buy that there’s any contradiction being shown here.

He was willing to throw away his humanity to become the monster that brings change

He's being a hypocrite. His guilt doesn't hold any value because it's entirely his choice. He's apologizing because there's no greater good, just his selfish dream.

He's never been okay, it's just that we're finally seeing him for who he is without the "protagonist illusion".

I don't think it's contradictory though. He's grieving sure, but he's also going along with his plan. Because he wants to be free.

He's not mentally stable and it shows

He's to some extent influenced by the Shingeki and/or its previous holders

He's trying to convince himself that humanity is evil sl he won't feel guilty about what he's doing

Hes a fully grown adult who knows better, no matter how bad he feels he doesnt deserve sympathy

The future cannot be changed and Eren is a slave to the attack titan's objective to push foreward

This chapter shows a lot of parallel between Eren and Reiner, he even said himself that he's worse than Reiner in the genocide that he's created. says himself that

What a fucking asshole

When Eren saw the future he knew the rumbling was inevitable so he is the one having to carry to burden of being ‘humanity’s enemy’ whether or not it was Eren to fulfill the rumbling it would’ve happened either way so he isn’t immediately a devil

Erens nature isn’t contradictory. He’s just now becoming self aware of the impact of his violent nature

He feels guilty about his actions and feels sorry for people who are going to be killed, but on the other hand - he is selfish and will do everything to reach his perfect reality.

Humans are an amalgamation of their actions. They sometimes arrive at destinations they did not fully intend. They may also realize too late that the path that they’ve set down is leading them in a direction they are not happy with, but eren is too far gone. He’s sane, understands he is objectively evil, but cannot turn back.

He totally snapped and turned into the psychopath that was sleeping inside of him for a long time. It was indeed very dangerous to entrust him with more power than he can handle.

Isayama did the same thing with Zeke. I think he likes the idea of the cool, mysterious guy, but it falls flat when the motivation doesn’t line up & the characters turn out to be crying & weak to fit the narrative once it’s revealed.

I don't know how to word this, but he is caged in his own vision to the point where any human decency and the ability to think is killed. Only a selfish, hateful and childish shell remained that is throwing a tantrum over his childbook fairytale not being true. It's not the same as Reiner, because Eren chose this. He wanted this, it is his fault. He had the power to stop this, but didn't. He can apologize as much as he wants, but he isn't feeling sorry at all.

He feels guilty, which is why he is having a mental breakdown like Reiner.

He’s having a mental breakdown but it's worse than Reiner's

painfully obvious this chapter was just Eren trying by all means to justify the Rumbling. Not because of some noble intention or cornering them into the inevitable, but just because he wanted to erase the world.

the eren reiner parallels man.. they never stop

  IN HIS FINAL MOMENTS, RAMZI SEES AN APPARITION OF YMIR. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 2,104 responses

Ymir has finally appeared since we last saw her in chapter 122, and her presence as well as motivations are seemingly shrouded in mystery. Over a third believe she is watching everything but not necessarily feeling good or bad about it (32.1%), and some of you think she may be questioning her decision (16.2%). A minority of you opted to choose that her appearance means she is enjoying seeing it unfold (9.6%), or that we are witnessing a phenomenon related to titan deaths that have occurred all this time (7.5%). The most popular choice, however, (34.6%) is simply expressing bewilderment at the Evangelion-esque shenanigans we’re seeing.

Ymir could be the one doing all the actions of destruction since Eren let her free.

i really think after ymir appeared again even tho eren freed her that she's regretting giving him the founder's power and will have a role is taking him down

the presence of Ymir intrigues me and I hope that in the next chapter we will have her point of view.

I think Ymir is the one who's been pulling the ropes for a long time. Whenever Eren thinks there might be another way (especially throught he disappearance of the Eldian race) he compulsively thinks that he just CAN'T accept that, like there's a force driving him towards seeking freedom.

I hope that Ymir appearance means that she is counting and seeing Eren victims so she can create them Again without Eldian hate

Ymir being outside, and Kid Eren appearing in the paths might have a connection. Ymir was a grownup when she was killed but inside the paths she was shown a kid. Same as Eren being shown in the paths. This might signifies Eren is not in control of the situation but Ymir is.

I have had theories for a while about Ymir possibly turning on Eren, whether this is to save the world to show she is better than Eren, or to bring Paradis to destruction as well to show she is just as bad.

WHAT IN THE EVA?

Loved the Evangelion reference. YAMS YOU MADLAD!

Ymir might be the true enemy

WHAT THE FUCK IS YMIR AYANAMI DOING THERE?  

  WHAT IS KID EREN DOING HERE? 2,099 responses

Child Eren appears in one of the most stunning panels of the chapter, but what does it mean?  Two options came out on top, with the idea that Eren is mentally regressing to a child (37.9%) edging out that it’s symbolism comparing child Eren to current Eren (36.1%).

I think we are going to see different Eren during the rumble, the past with Eren as a child, the future perhaps with a more mature or elderly Eren and the Eren of the present.

Adult Eren is incapacitated and Kid eren took his place through paths, will wake up for the "see you later, Eren"

Adult Eren unknowingly brought kid Eren’s consciousness to the present while he was sleeping under the tree. This is part of his “dream” that he had at the beginning of the story.

It is symbolises Erens mentality as a kid and how his flawed ideology doesn't hold up to the real world he faced outside of the walls. Also to cope.

Eren is the only character who cannot overcome the cycle of violence, so he will die.As you know, only without people can you become absolutely free, so he enjoys it when he realizes that nothing else binds him.

He has taken over paths from ymir, but since he is not bound by anything, he can do whatever the hell he wants, and is the reason he connected to armin while speaking to him.

It shows that Eren is not fully in control of the PATHS. For example in this scene, he remembers Armin because of his memory as a child talking about freedom with Armin then Armin suddenly appears although Eren himself didn't wish for something like that to happen thus it's just to show that PATHS connecting all Subjects of Ymir even in different timeline.

This links in with Floch... Eren loves Floch.

He was dreaming about the past and accidentally used the power of the Founder to show his younger self a vision of the Attack Titan's current point of view.

He's a sociopathic freak

It is symbolic of his old dream that he will have to give up on soon.

Can I say all of the above again? I saw it as a representation of Eren in his most pure, idealistic state which is then contrasted by the realistic horror of the destruction he is causing.

Brought into the present by adult Eren to give his younger self a taste of freedom without all the guilt. This is the beginning of the long dream kid Eren awakes from in Chapter 1.

Child Eren's Evangelion/Devilman(Crybaby)-esque "elation" seems like a metaphorical emotional release (and P A T H S shenanigans).

Something about the kid-Eren “freedom” scene is just so incredible and impactful; fully restored my faith that Isayama will deliver an amazing finale for this masterpiece.

THE MORE I LOOK AT THIS PANEL THE MORE MY HEART HURTS. ITS SO BEAUTIFUL YET SO DAMN FUCKED UP. GOD. FRICK. FRIIIICKKKKKK

  KID EREN FINALLY WITNESSES “THAT SIGHT”, BUT WHAT DID HE ACTUALLY SEE? 2,113 responses

The world-shattering reveal almost a year ago of Eren gaining an important glimpse into the future, characterised as “that sight”, was finally answered in this chapter -- or was it? The majority of you believe kid Eren was merely enjoying the view from above that filled him with freedom, blissfully ignorant to the carnage of the rumbling (50.8%). Close to a quarter (23.8%) think he was able to see the rumbling but was enjoying the freedom in spite of it, with a small portion (5%) believing all the death was a part of his glee. Some aren’t yet sold on the idea that this is “that sight”, perhaps believing we will see it later (20.4%).

I don't think that his inner child is aware of the rumbling. He is only focused on the scenery and wants Armin to see that too.

A world without any walls is what kid eren always wanted to see. Through paths, kid eren achieved this (without seeing the death)

  HOW WILL ARMIN BEING ABLE TO SEE KID EREN THROUGH PATHS AFFECT THE PLOT? 2,114 responses

Child Eren showing up was confusing enough, but he had to see Armin through paths too!?  What does it mean!?  A majority, at 55.5% think it foreshadows Armin’s coming importance in whatever the endgame turns out to be. Almost a third, at 28.6% think that it also opens up the possibility for other characters to connect with Eren through paths.

Armin was the person Eren has been sharing his dreams with. He is mentally showing his friend that the realisation of their dreams is finally at hand.

Eren can call forth anyone he wants, but if he doesn't want to see them I'm not sure if they could get to him

It foreshadows Armin and Eren clashing on a deeper level. I don't think anyone can actually stop Eren at this point.

Eren is so suped up with in this final form and with Ymir's "support" that when he thought about Armin it created a link through the paths.

Armin gets to briefly see the old "idealistic" Eren again. The one he can somewhat see eye-to-eye with and incidentally "created".

I think it might be just a visual metaphor on how Armin and Eren never really understood each other while sharing the same dream and that Armin is realizing that (I mean that the dream of "seeing the outside world" didn't mean the same thing to them). Or it might be that Eren is in a comatose sort of state and that since he technically is in control of paths, his thoughts are "sent" to Armin since he's reflecting on their shared dream

It shows Eren and Armin both want the same end goal. Though they disagree on the means of getting to it

The world is not like the one he saw in Armin's book. Hence why he contacted him, this is his way of reaching for his vision of freedom that he was denied because of the trauma of the wall.

Reference to the ocean scene where Eren was depressed and Armin excited, now its reversed

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ARMIN AND ANNIE’S TALK ON THE SHIP? 2,124 responses

While this tiny moment of apparent romance was a delight for the 20% of the fandom who expressed “Whoo hoo Aruani is canon!!”, the remaining 80% were slightly more subdued in their reaction. The largest percentage (35.3%) was happy that the build up between their characters had some payoff. The second most popular selection had nothing to do with Armin or Annie at all with “I just wanna know what’s up with the birds” garnering 26% of the vote. Lastly, 11.2% felt like this moment was completely out of place, selecting “Now’s not the time for love drama Isayama.”

We better see Armin and Annie kiss next chapter

The Armin/Annie was not that necessary, I’d loved way more a more "group" discussion with Mikasa, Jean n Reiner in it. Old 104th days style

Besides the shipping moment, Annie just came to terms with that she’s still not alone, which is huge for her character

I'm not sure if Isayama knows how unnatural aruani is. These two had a grand total of 3 interactions, and sparing each other still isn't prone to romantic feelings blooming on either side.

a bad fking attempt by isayama at romance, should have stuck with eren historia love child

The aruani was unexpected but nice xD I don't exactly ship them but they are cute in this chapter(I can't help but feel one of them is getting a death flag because of this though💀)

What about them talking about all the shit she did or has been through? I wanted to see that.

SHE'S NOT TAKING MY MAN ISTG SHE'S NOT ON MY WATCH

Ship and let ship, this is actually a very intresting pairing and I think the scene flowed very naturally. But I still hope that in the future manga focuses more in the plot and not in the ships. I'd hope the same from fandom, but of course that's too much to ask...

This was a nice moment away from death and destruction

They’re definitely gonna die soon

am i the only one who don’t ship annie and armin? like bro... she squashed your little friends like bugs

Yoo bitch AruAni is canon LETSS FUCKING GOOO Love this cinnamon couple..More canon couple please Yams!

CANT BELIEVE ARMIN IS TRYING TO GET A GF WHEN MILLIONS R DYING HES FR A HOE🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I only saw Bertolt there.

Maybe it's just me but i dont see anything romantic about the scene to me i prefer the weird friendship they have

While it seemed slightly out of place I’m glad Isayama touched on their “therapy sessions”.

Oh God no please don’t do this, Annie isn’t they type of character that needs any sort of romance in her story to be happy

Both aruani is canon 🥳 and wtf Isayama not the time…

c'mon falling for an enemy uncounscious girl with whom you have wangsty once-sided talks, a girl you manipulated to capture and used as a bait against enemies, really ???

They’re finally talking, I’ve been waiting so long for them to talk things out, also I really like Annie’s character development! And finally CANON, I’ve been waiting for sooooo long!!!!!!

I selected the bird because I feel threatened by it but also WOO HOO ARUANI IS CANON

I really enjoyed the scene between Annie and Armin. I think it further cements AOT as a very human narrative. They both know there are bigger things going on, but that doesn't allow them to turn off their very human emotions, which come out in a moment of rest. I don't believe this will necessarily lead to more romantic scenes between them, unless the ending of the story is far more hopeful than I expect it to be.

  WHY DO YOU THINK EREN APPEARS TO BE IN A SLEEP-LIKE STATE? 2,088 responses

Not long after his grand arrival on the shore, Eren seems to be having a little nap. 45.3% of respondents think he’s relying on his base instincts for his walk around the world. 15.8% think he’s wide awake but just trying to ignore the squishy things he’s stepping on. Turns out it’s actually pretty tiring to declare war on the world, or so say 14.2% of you. 12.1% think it’s no coincidence his apparently sleepy face was shown right after the intense stare of birb, and 8.8% think that the image hints at a secret puppet master pulling Eren’s strings. We received a lot of comments suggesting Ymir might be the big bad after all - now how is Eren gonna earn that sweet sweet freedom if he’s not willing to bust a few billion skulls, eh?

He left the Attack Titan on auto-mode

i just wish to know that....now that Eren has a long ass neck.....will he come back as a human or....he will be like this forever

Symbolic of the fact that he isn’t really seeing the sight. It’s a fools errand like Eren’s goal.

I think it is symbolic. The 'adult' in him is sleeping while the 'child' in him is taking the reigns.

His consciousness has been transferred to his titan's brain. He's essentially an Attack Titan battery .

He is dreaming, ignorant to the destruction below and seeing the freedom he envisioned as a kid.

his consciousness is in PATHS dimension and he's controlling things from there

How the fuck is he sleeping when the wall titans are executing complex commands, like diving under ships and surrounding the city?

I don't think he is sleeping. He rather looks beaten and devastated and just numb to what he is doing in order to cope.

I figure that bc he's so big, he kind of has to be like this. Normally when he's in his titan with his eyes open, he's being active. I think that although he's set the titans in motion, he's in a more passive role now. He also can't be all that active when he's that huge, right?

I honestly don't know. I can speculate its connection to Ymir's apparition and child Eren's lucid dream?

He's irrevocably fucked thanks to good old Gabi and her rifle.

He's losing his will to live.  Also leaves an opening for Armin to wake him up like he did in Trost.

HE'S THE SLAVE NOW

Maybe he is actively controlling / managing something else at the time? Maybe something crucial we don't know about yet, I don't believe that he is just exhausted.

His adult self is asleep now because his child self is having fun in his perfect world. Eren is mentally weak as adult but his inner child is strong and is reaching everything Eren always wanted - freedom and happiness.

He’s unable to regenerate due to controlling all the colossal titans, or just won’t because he wasn’t in Titan form when his head was blown off, meaning he will eventually die

i feel as if having eren not be in control would be mildly disappointing because the manga has done so much to set up erens decent into madness and how his actions became so extreme, i would be disappointed if all of that went to waste.

I would guess that Eren might be sifting through future memories at the moment. Looking at the "unknown world"/"the scenery" that made him smile wistfully instead of being horrified/the thing "beyond hell" Eren mentioned to Falco.  

His adult self is sleeping now, while his young self is having fun.

I think hes not fully in control (maybe ymir calling the shots)

I'm kinda torn between him operating on base instincts and him being controlled by someone (Ymir?) so I'm gonna go with both as the possibility.

Maybe he really doesn't want this? I think Ymir's the one in control

Ymir is controlling him

He is not the one driving this titan, Ymir is.

Really? You talk about his eyes being closed and not the fact that he has the neck structure of a turkey!?

  THE FINAL PAGE ENDS ON ARMIN’S HOPEFUL WISH FOR THE EXISTENCE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD HE ENVISIONED AS A CHILD, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK? 2,101 responses

Despite the darkness this chapter brought to the story, Armin ends on a hopeful note. The top two options were 36.8% thinking there’s a possibility Armin will in fact be able to stop Eren. and 33.7% believe Armin to be too optimistic, and that it won’t pan out the way he wishes.

Armin's recalling of his childhood dream with Eren in the last page made me think there's still a hidden solution to resolve the dilemma.  

This chapter also shown Armin not wanting to give up with reconciling the Eren he wanted to see and the actual Eren. He hears no evil.

Tragic ending, yes, but I don't think Armin's hope is misplaced all the same. I think Eren cannot be stopped without death, but I also don't think the entire world will be destroyed, and I don't think it will end hopelessly.

Either Armin’s gonna save humanity or everybody just dies the end 😹

That one bird that was perched on the ship might be the symbol of peace. But I'm not sure how that peace is going to be achieved if the option's still on the table.

I hope the alliance is able to save Eren from doing this unthinkable sin.

Probably a blossoming hope through Armin breaking Eren from Ymir's plan uwu

I think Armin could join/support Eren

  THIS CHAPTER CONTINUED THE BIRD MOTIF, THIS TIME HAVING A FOCUS ON SCENES ENDING WITH A BIRD STARING DIRECTLY AT A CHARACTER. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! 2,067 responses

The Spy Birds theory seemed a bit nutty last month, but I don’t trust that seagull one bit. And it looks like many of you agree because that nutty theory has gone mainstream! The majority of respondents (54.1%) think that the birds are under the influence of a higher power, mainly that of Eren (27.4%) or Ymir (26.7%). 26.6% don’t think the birds are suspicious, they’re just free, man. 13% just reckon Isayama has moved on from his love of drawing thicc horses, and birds are the cool new animal. No complaints here. But I still don’t trust that seagull.

The birds are up to something

Animals sense danger coming from nature before humans do.

bird is symbol for freedom, but some bird like crow and raven in some culture are symbol for death.

I think that pigeons are watching me through P A T H S

Black birds symbolize the people's doom , white bird that flew to armin symbolises hope

black birds: death ; seagul: garbage :))) I dunno, the seagul was so random. It means they are approaching the shore?

EREN IS BRAN STARK IN AOT UNIVERSE LET'S GOO

I dont sure its eren or ymir. But i hope there is something about bird. I hope there are a huge plot twist

Might be another Odin parallel if Eren is using them, but I don't really see why he'd bother. I don't think he needs to do recon.

FREEEEEEEDOOOOOM

Last time I thought that the bird theory was a little far-fetched but now I think that's 100% the deal. That seagul is just somehow way too focused on to be just a random animal.

I commented in the previous poll that the birds are surveillance cameras and i’m even more convinced now. And isn’t it poetic that the Wings of Freedom logo is made up of a pair of black and white wings, representing the different interpretations of freedom pursued by Eren and Armin.

This is all just a Genjutsu by Itachi

my personal favorite theory, it’s zeke seeing everything transpire through the power of the beast titan

Pure!Boy Armin gets the seagull because he still has DREAMS and Eren gets crows because he wants to feast on human flesh.

WHAT'S UPP WITH THE BIRDS AAAAAAHHH TELL ME

I don't know but is really cool if you see it as a symbol of hope/freedom. Birds are the only kind who will not going to be tumble over the rumbling.

I think it's about the colors, black is dark, just like the destruction Eren is causing to the world (including Ramzi and Halil) and white is bright, just like the peace that Armin wished for and is aiming to achieve with the alliance

  HOW DID THIS CHAPTER AFFECT YOUR VIEWS ON THE RUMBLING? 2,100 responses

If we thought seeing the reality of the rumbling would be a game changer when it comes to our view of it, we were wrong. Only 5% of people who formerly supported it no longer do. For the rest of us 44% do not support the rumbling and 30% do. Most curiously, 21% claim to have no opinion. More on that below when we mirrored this question about our views on Eren.

I still don't support The Rumbling, I just want it to stop. It doesn't do anything good for anyone, even Eren himself, and this awfully awesome chapter proves it. I totally expect that via P A T H S.FM Armin and Mikasa could stop him (and save him, physical or psychologically, idk) . It's the only plausible way.

I think the rumbling is justified but I don’t think the civilians who had nothing against Erin don’t deserve to die.

I don’t think there is any other solution, and that’s the point… His outburst at Hange tells me that he was desperate for something. This is coming from Eren who can essentially see everything and inherited multiple people’s memories. If he couldn’t come up with it, I don’t think anyone else can (aside from Armin? But I’m not holding my breath). The 50-year plan was a delusional fantasy at best, technology would evolve rapidly and nullify any threat the Rumbling poses.

I was still kind of hoping Eren had something up his sleeve that wasn't mass slaughter, but I guess we're going there

I believe the full rumbling is a morally grey decision, but I’ll concede and say it’s on the darker end of the spectrum. ultimately eren will have to answer for what he’s done, necessary or not killing millions of innocent people is a horrible thing to do.

The world was never peaceful, and never will be. The Rumbling was inevitable, nothing could stop that.

  ON A SCALE FROM “IT’S JUST A FLESH WOUND” TO “HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWFUL”, HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PORTRAYAL OF THE RUMBLING?   2,110 responses

This probably didn’t need to be asked but we did it anyway. For the vast majority of us, the portrayal of the rumbling was overwhelming in terms of sheer horror. “It’s awful! I love it!” seems to be a common reaction.

Whelp... we wanted to see the rumbling. I guess be careful what we wish for.

I am once again reminded how gory SnK can be.

No holds barred. This is the sad, traumatic truth that we asked for.

RIP in pieces Clown-kun

At this point, it makes me sick to read pro-rumbling posts. Normally, when you like a villain or a morally grey character (Eren went past this point long ago) you enjoy seeing how their mentality works. And this is fully respectable, but not the "uuuh my baby did nothing wrong". If we did the same with our kings Floch and Zeke, it would be crazy, wouldn't it?

I’m glad the Rumbiling was shown in its full glory. It didn’t hide anything about the situation and was very gory. I’m glad we were shown what happened to the people during it, and not just after.

I can't feel engaged in the rumbling when it has been the default scenario since the sea, but more specifically 123. The boy had a death flag the size of Marley and now he's dead. Thanks for the shock, Yams. I'm interested in the potential of everything else. I hope I didn't follow this story for the final conflict to be whether to save more people or less people

It was great to see the Rumbling in its full gore. Isayama showed it masterfully and rly put emphasis on how terrifying and disturbing it is. I was never anti or pro of it before, bc I'm just enjoying the view as the reader, that didn't change, and I still like Eren bc he is a very entertaining character.

I loved seeing how awful everything was. Ofc in real life I wouldn't support it, but narratively? Wow!

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING BEST DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE RUMBLING? (MULTISELECT) 2,109 responses

This chapter didn’t hold back in its brutal display of the rumbling, and it may be difficult to find the words to describe it, so we gave you twelve. A clear majority are able to agree on it being both tragic and terrifying, closely followed by those who would describe it as unavoidable, distressing or immoral. The choices in the minority included describing the rumbling as awesome, justified or heroic. Fun fact, over a third of the people who chose “heroic” also described it as some combination of “excessive”, “immoral” and “indefensible”. Talk about mixed feelings.

  HOW DID THIS CHAPTER AFFECT YOUR VIEWS ON EREN? 2,093 responses

If we thought seeing the horrors of the rumbling would be a game changer when it comes to our view of the person who unleashed it, we were wrong. This chapter did nothing to change the minds of the 40% who support Eren and the 30% who do not. Only a minority (8.3%) said this chapter made their support for Eren wane.

We were most curious about the 20% who selected “I have no opinion.” When we’ve waited so eagerly for Eren’s POV, how could a quarter of the fandom be neutral on how it affected them? Was this a failure on Isayama’s part or were our poll options poorly worded? We decided that rather than having no opinion,  “I don’t know what to think yet” might have been the better cop out...err I mean *neutral* option :P

I was one of those that was convinced that there had to be something more to the Rumbling, and this chapter shocked me to my core by revealing that there really isn't. Eren is just that disturbed. We wanted Eren POV but we weren't ready for it. Now I just want to see how Armin and Mikasa end this.

i love eren so much nothing can make me hate him but he is insane... all this and for what. THEY COULDNT HAVE TALKED IT OUT??? i feel so bad for eren he clearly does not want to kill all those people man...

We finally have Eren's pov now; I still don't know how to feel about it, but I'll always support him.

Eren is a character who really disgusts me because of his fucked up delusion of fReEdoM but I love him at the same time because he's really well written, this boy is a fascinating mess.

This chapter seems to have made things pretty straightforward. Eren is a lot of things but he’s not one to go back on his word. He said he was gonna rumble and now he’s doing it.  Not sure why people are having a hard issue saying he wouldn’t have done it. Uhhhh hello he’s nuts

i get eren's side but i just wish that there was another way to bring freedom and justice without genocide

I support eren as a character, however if his actions were translated to real life I would disagree with them. At the end of the day, genocide is not ok. He could’ve wiped out military bases, but civilian deaths is not ok. HOWEVER, for the sake of fiction, & the fact that there’s no decent alternative, it’s team Yeager.

Deep down his choice is selfish and this is why he is ashamed of it, the rest are just justifications. And he is not the only character who has selfish objectives hidden over good intentions, Erwin fought for humanity, but deep down he wanted to prove his father right, and Reiner on his quest to "Save Humanity" was just a mask to become a hero.

Really I want to see Eren fufill his dream, I’m still supporting him.

Ymir might have a role to play in his mental state.

Not to support the rumbling or anything, but I do feel sorry for Eren. He's like a cornered animal that attacked in panic and that attack's freaking deadly.

Even though the rumbling is tragic, this is Eren truly getting his way, no matter what. It's a rare thing to see in any literary work, and although I'm curious as to what the downfall/tragedy of his character will end up being after this, I love it all because for what feels like the first time, a character with bad intent is using the god power to accomplish their goal, and I can't get enough of it.

  WHAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT EREN THIS CHAPTER 2,111 responses

Empathy for Eren is the theme for nearly 70% of the fandom with “I feel for him. He’s in a tough position” (43.7%) and “my heart aches for him” (22.1%) being the top two selections. On the opposite and more extreme ends of the spectrum, those who think he’s the greatest (15.1%) and those who think he’s the worst (14.9%) are nearly evenly matched. Interestingly only 4.2% expressed “I have no opinion” on this question compared to more than 20% on the question above.

Eren is my favorite character but I also don't support his actions.

I was disstressed for a few days after it.  How did it go to this? I kept reading this far just because I wanted Eren to be happy and have his happy ending, and what do we have now?..

I feel bad for eren, he's in a position no one would want to be, and he hates what hes doing no matter how much he needs to

This chapter could possibly stablish once and for all Eren as a unchangable character since he has reached a point of no return.

Eren is GOAT, the rumbling is wrong but I still love eren

This entire chapter just reaffirms the fact that Eren has always been a self absorbed, self-pitying child from the very beginning

I don't get how people can still support Eren just because he cried a little.

To think that all the shit that has happened since RTS (Sasha killed, Liberio attacked, Tybur murdered, Zackley assassinated, Nile and Pixis titanised, Levi forced to decimate his own titanised squad and then nearly dying, Jaegerist coup, Shadis beat up, Historia pregnant AND ANYTHING ELSE I'VE FORGOTTEN) is all because of some long, convoluted plan for one single boy's childish, problematically simplistic, black-and-white dream for "Freedom" is. I can't. I'm tired. Eren's pov is so outrageously outlandish that I can't relate. At all.

I cant feel bad for Eren, he is the only person responsible on his guilt and sadness. Also genocide is the worst option and even Eren says it.

He was sheltered his whole life; he has no proper context or framework for concepts like racism and war between humans. He “optimistically” thought his fight was that of human vs titan. That's why I don't blame him for coming to the Rumbling conclusion after the basement reveal. I give him a lot of credit for empathizing with "the other side" and I do believe Eren tried his best to come up with alternative solutions.

I feel for Eren, he was sold the idea of a perfect, peaceful, untouched world, ripe for discovery, filled with the beauty and awe of nature, but in reality it was full of cruel xenophobia people who hated his very existance. I don't support the rumbling but i understand why Eren did it.

Eren is obsessed with his perfect vision of "Freedom" where there are no limits to his will, but sadly for him, he lives on a reality where others exist and as long he has to interact with them, there are going to be limitations he is going to be bound. So even if he kills everyone outside the island, there is going to be another "wall" he needs to overcome.  

Seeing Eren cry and hear his doubts actually made me just more angry with him: "If you are so sad about the fate of the outside world then fucking change the future, don't just give up!!!!!!!" He seems to be very clung in the idea that the future is set and there is nothing he can do to change it.

Okay but look at Eren's centipedal Hell's creation's TINY BUTT. It's so funny seeing that little boney ass on this gigantic thing

  EREN SEEMS TO HAVE MANY MOTIVATIONS. HOW WOULD YOU RANK THEM?

This one was interesting. With this chapter’s iconic imagery of kid Eren spreading his arms declaring “this is freedom”, it’s unsurprising that most of us agree with that as a very important motivation for him. His friends were also chosen as a very important motivation, though not as much as his love for freedom. Historia and her child just edged out the motivation of the people of Paradis, though interestingly it has less “somewhat important” votes and more “not important at all votes”, making it clearly divisive even if it has more “very important” votes.. But the motivation with an even more divisive perception is revenge, with nearly an even split between those who view it as very, somewhat and not important at all.  

Everything Eren is doing is for the sake of his friends and Historia, there was no other choice to protect the island.

I think that the only thing what matters to Eren is freedom and reaching the perfect world he saw in his dreams after reading Armin's book. The dream of his inner child is playing the most important role in his life. Eren is ready to sacrifice his friends, his mentors and people on Paradis - just to see the special scenery and finally feel FREE.

Feel sad to see eren need to do all of this, but i know its for his friend and paradis

I hope that Eren doesn’t harm the alliance

  REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU FEEL POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY ABOUT EREN, DO YOU THINK HE IS BEING PORTRAYED AS A VILLAIN AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY? 2,098 responses

It’s truly a testament to Isayama’s strength as a writer when a character’s deliberate annihilation of billions is met with a majority response of “there are no villains or heroes here.” 57.1% think that as tragic as the situation now may be, nobody in this manga really qualifies as villainous. Or at least, not when our feisty protagonist is involved. 33.7% think the manga is a tale of a hopeful boy slowly turning to the dark side. 5.6% see this all as part of a hero’s tumultuous journey. Finally, 3.5% think it’s unfair to cast Eren as a villain since he’s not the one in control. Gotta say, if Eren is not the one destroying the world he really shouldn’t have said he was going to destroy the world.

This chapter just proves that Eren ISN'T a complete villain. I disagree with the rumbling, but what Eren's going through is something that I empathize with.This chapter just made it easier for me to keep rooting for everyone, even though a completely happy ending is not an option anymore.

I really hope Eren's in for a change of heart soon. I hate the idea of him being the final villain. He's definitely redeemable. Even he is eligible to have a dark foil and rival. Maybe we'll get that later on in Zeke who I feel is also redeemable.

More and more of the story is unveiled, I really like how this is going. Ever since knowing the outside world I have decided that Eren is no longer a hero but then he is not a villain either so does everyone in the story. I like Eren a lot but I'd say that I just like to observe, to see, never to support or to oppose. So this chapter is really amazing to me as I managed to see more about Eren.

eren is a villian whether you like it or not

I feel Walter white Vibe from Eren.

Eren is evil period!!!! There is no justification for mass murder. If he wants to savr his ppl then just wipe out the army, navy, air force, warriors and the leaders period not everyone including INNOCENT ppl....

EREN IS GOAT. He is portrayed as a hero who makes tough choices that no other shitty shonen character even can do.

Eren needs to stop the rumbling. It maybe justified his needs but the people outside the walls didn't deserved it. They're both each other's enemies. He used to say people outside the walls are monsters but he became one himself. He desired freedom but in the end he was a slave to his own desire.

Isayama could chose to make him some what of a villainous character, or he could chose to set it up as if eren is more of an anti hero doing then wrong things for the right reasons

  DESCRIBE THE CHAPTER IN ONE WORD 1,543 responses

No superlatives to describe how great or awesome this chapter was this month. The Rumbling hurt us all (well done, Yams, mission accomplished). That being said, it looks like we’re all masochists, considering this chapter is in the top 5 highest rated chapters since chapter 91.

Tragic [169; 4.69]

Sad [89; 4.73]

Pain [77; 4.86]

Depressing [69; 4.75]

Heartbreaking [48; 4.77]

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 2,089 responses

With what we want next chapter we find it especially surprising that the majority are ready to give Eren’s perspective a break. Since google sometimes fails us in displaying the data, we’ll just list it all out. Of the options we provided, our wishes for next chapter from most to least popular are: Let’s keep it with the Eren POV (23.4%), The alliance reaching Odiha (22.4%), WHERE TF IS LEVI??? (10.6%), I could go for a few more mental breakdowns (10.1%), More Ymir being mysterious (7.9%), WHERE TF IS LEVI??? (10.6%), SAVE US ZEKE (8.9%), Oh god go back to Historia please (8.5%), Finality for Floch (6%) and More birbs ovo (2.2%)

Yo where tf is Rico

I want to see levi

fuck yeah more mental break down, I'm ready to be depressed

I really want to see more of Armin and kid Eren in Paths next chapter. That one panel was super interesting and I would love to go back to it.

hurt me more isayama

Please yams I want to see Flochad kill Hange, that’s all I ask for.

Zeke returns next chapter pleaseeeee

HOPE WE GET TO SEE HOW THE ISLAND IS DOING NEXT CHAPTER

It's getting to the final and I don't like that

as only 3-4 chapters are left, I dont think we are going to get another eren POV, I am still dying to see the conditions of the other main characters, whereas zeke and floch are unfinished mysteries.

someone from alliance is dying soon

I've gotta see more Historia. What is she doing and thinking right now? What is her role moving forward?

Just shut up with historia in this survey. She's irrelevant. Now I hate answering your polls.Never again!

i literally don't know what to expect next chapter like yams is just THAT good

  WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 2,025 responses

The platforms where we discuss the series remain relatively unchanged with Reddit providing the plurality of responses. Thank you Reddit! We appreciate it. That said, we’d love to see this chart balance out a little more so please feel free to share the poll wherever you discuss the series. That includes the 5 of you degenerates on Snapchat.

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 553 responses

Uhhh *disappears*

ZEKE-KUN PLEASE BE A GOOD ONII-CHAN AND SAVE THE WORLD FROM YOUR TROUBLED LITTLE OTOTO

listen, birds are pretty cool ok

Beautifully tragic, exactly what I wanted to see from Eren after being shown in a villainous light for 30+ chapters. Being introduced to a new character, in particular an innocent child and then finally revealing his name and story was a perfect way to show the true horrors of an indiscriminate near-omnicide, it definitely brought tears to my eyes.

(😢) SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAEGER (😢)

As expected of Isayama-sensei, it's exactly right.

Annie being revealed as aromantic is the unexpected happy development in this tragedy.

Kiddos, the "it's just fiction" argument refers to the fact that you are allowed to *enjoy* watching fucked up things in fiction because people, in general, can distinguish between fiction and reality. It does not mean writing essays to *justify* said fucked-up things that happen in fiction, because you almost certainly start bringing your own real-life logic to fictional events. Aka, mixing up reality and fiction. Showing your true colors. Allowing your beliefs to slip into discussion. Whatever you call that.

THE BIRDS HAVE PATHS, I CALLED IT LAST CHAPTER!

Annie has always had a hard time expressing her feelings and that she has had complexes for a long time. I'm glad Armin was able to tell her what he was thinking because it will give Annie more confidence. Plus, Annie has always been introverted and I love that Isayama tells us more about her character.

The ravens are a reference to Odin’s, a mythology character. He has two ravens, they symbolise memory and mind/thought.

What a manga.

what eren did is right you can come up with any other solution

What in the everliving fuck is going on? Can we go back to factory reset and knock some sense into Eren before he starts having wild ideas like this one? Please

BEST SHIP FINALLY HAPPENING PROPERLY AHHHHH MY BOY ARMIN IS FINALLY TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS EVEN IF IT'S SUBTLE

If Eren is the bird he really is Armins WINGman.

I KNEW ARMIN LIKED ANNIE! But seeing Annie blush was a nice surprise. I thought she was the ice queen in terms of romance.

This poll is bias toward historia. I wish if y’all stop the shipping b.s

birds are supposed to symbolize freedom in most cultures, innit?

This chapter was so important to me. It showed the reality of the rumbling, and that scenery, and most importantly, Eren's true feelings on the genocide, including his now split younger self. He feels guilty about it, he knows it's bad yet he has to do it because he has no other option if he wants Paradis and everyone he loves to survive. During my life I have had a lot of instances where I had to sacrifice a lot  in order to survive, including disociating and splitting my personality in two, crushing my own feelings to do what had to be done, so characters like Eren are very relatable in that sense to me. In a kill-or-be-killed situation, there is no place nor time for doubts nor mercy and you have to do what you have to do.

Very interesting, trágico and raw, but also  liked the comparison between different concepts of the world and freedom between Armin and Eren. Also loved all the AruAni moments, they were not only adorable but also helped those two characters talk about things they needed to open up about since a long time ago lol.

I want to get off Mr. Isayama's Wild Ride

Am I the only one who can't take the alliance seriously?

Wasn't really feeling the AruAni moment, but other than that top tier chapter can't wait for more.

Armin possibly realizes Eren isn't in the right state of mind. If Eren is projecting himself as a child, then Armin might be able to come up with a plan to stop what he is doing.

Fantastic, worth the wait.

Fav chapter yet. Fall of Wall Maria got overthrown as the most depressing event in the series for me.

Favourite line in AOT :"SIT DOWN"

I don't want it to end, but I am very happy about the direction the manga is going.

I felt for eren

This chapter was legendary, it hit all the right notes for finally giving Eren's POV. The shot of child Eren above the clouds will go down as one of the best panels ever... also Eren's line about "disappointment"... fantastic it gave me chills.

I find ‘the cycle of revenge’ storyline tiring. I’ve seen it so many times before and there isn’t anything new being covered here. I just feel tired and sad honestly. My last (and probably unfulfilled) hope for the series would be for Levi to make it through this, work things out with Zeke without violence and be able to move on in his life. He could help the survivors of the rumbling and reestablish civilization, maybe open his tea shop, see the world, maybe fall in love. I don’t really care. I just want to see my boy alive and doing okay for himself. A ridiculous thought for this series, I know. With 3-4 chapters left I feel we will most likely just be left in a misery marinara. I’m soaking in it right now.

I have too many thoughts on this chapter, I wouldn't know where to begin

i wanted him to save ramzi, but i didnt at the same time?? i was glad he didnt spare him, but im sad he didnt?? i dont know why

I just want everything to end already

i just want the best ending for all characters, esp Eren.

I like how Isayama is pushing the cognitive dissonance that i have of what side i should choose.....he is really fuckin with me at this point. All the thinking has now made me kinda numb

I like Isayama drawing birds and see the art improvement through the chapters :D I announce August is the Eek Appreciation Month dedicated to the Wings of Freedom! EEEEEEEEEEEK

I like that it pretty much ended the discussion of Eren having other plans. He's been totally honest the entire time. If he had other plans, why'd he put his friend in danger by having them fight against him?

for real had to pause for a bit at many points in this chapter lmao

Maybe this is why he never talked to his friends- he didn't care about discussing what's right for them, he just wanted his FrEeDoM and would walk over children to get it.

Glad to see Armin and Annie being cute, they deserve a few moments of happiness.

Glad to see Eren’s thoughts and feelings about the rumbling. There are a lot of loose ends that I was hoping to have some answers for in this chapter but it didn’t happen in this chapter, which just made me more intrigued.

Glad to see that Eren's uncaring exterior was finally dispelled this chapter

God I can't see this ending good and I just really want this to be over soon. Never rooted as much for an MC to die as now.

Which of the following best describe how you feel about the rumbling?  Pointless, it won't achieve anything.

while i find aruani cute i still find it weird since she literally was crying the previous chapter. i was disappointed that we didn't get to see all the alliance

Why tf is Ymir in the realworld!?

WHENS MAHVEL

SS ARUANI GONNA RUMBLE THE SHIP HARDER THEN EREN RUMBLED THOSE POOR CHILDREN, TAKE THAT NONBELIEVERS no really, this was built up from s1, and they have wonderfully complementing personalities. Sad that half the fandom gets triggered from any het ship (and vice versa)

Crack theory: Eren has two personalities which is why he acts in contradictory ways. The "evil" nature is in kid Eren and the "good" nature is in the bird. There is no consciousness in his actual body anymore.

Genocide route best route

Way better than the last chapter. 130 was just good art and shipping bait which felt like it was forced for the sake of the end of a volume. This chapter was amazing and balanced its multiple purposes effortlessly, as opposed to the clunky nature of the previous chapters. Probably the best chapter since Ymir's backstory. I love how Armin tied into it, we haven't seen he and Eren's shared dream brought up for a while, as it had faded into background despite being such a driving force for both characters before the timeskip.

I was sure that the dichotomy between Eren's motivations was clearly between his friends/the people he wants freedom for, and his own quest to soothe the anger he has in his heart. Essentially is he doing this for love or hate. Yet we get a third motivation introduced this chapter, of him achieving his child self's dream of freedom in a wall-less world, and what do you know it's tied into "that scenery/that sight", Isayama you genius. What does this mean about those other motivations, though? Is everything false and it's just what Eren is telling himself? What's the lie? What's the truth? What to believe…

It might just be because Eren subconsciously called to Armin. So if more memories surface, more characters can talk with him potentially.

Time loop theory!

Timey Wimey P A T H S shenanigans.

Even if I'm not surprised, it's disappointing to see how Eren is the worst Jaeger after all. He used to make bad decisions trying to help "humanity", but now he just thinks he's right, when not even half of Paradis agrees with his ideas.

I hate Eren from the bottom of my heart. He's disgusting, a total piece of shit. And I love Isayama for giving me all these feelings. He's the real GOAT here.

Really made me wish Isayama hadn't gone for the ~mystery~ of Eren becoming the villain and had instead at least given us the flashbacks in chronological order. The way this long-awaited PoV reveal has been done has felt so clunky and awkward.

I honestly don't understand those who used to support the Rumbling but no longer do after this chapter; maybe they are the same kind of people that romanticized Omnicide and kept defending it as the  "morally correct thing to do"  and that they "would most certainly do it"  if they were in Eren's shoes... Until the reality hit them and all of their posturing like a bag of bricks - i.e. the typical edgy keyboard warrior.

As a pro-Rumbling fan, I always knew this was the expected outcome; if anything this chapter was everything I hoped that Isayama would show to us because it once and for all disproved the idea that Eren has a plan beyond the Rumbling. A Lelouch ending (which I hope doesn't happen) can still be pulled, but its not something that Eren is actively working torwards, but the end result if the alliance somehow stops him.

rumbling go brrrrrrrr

Zeke is controlling the bird with his beast Titan ability that he learnt from the paths realm

"what will my mother think of me?" Ashamed of you, eren, duh.

I really can't feel sorry for eren when this is ultimately the choice he made. There were always other choices up until the point where he killed many world leaders in his attack on Marley.

A bit sappy but understandable. From a egoist point of view Eren is justified in his actions, but of course this just reaffirms the Eldians "monstrous" nature to them. The Eldians dont have a realistic out unless the titans are truly gone forever if Eren loses. Curious about the birds.

A freckled girl appeared. That's progress.

BRUTAL.

Also what about the Eldians living outside of Paradis Island? IMO they are the ones suffering the most

Can he even be stopped?

Can people stop saying that because you enjoy the direction of the story that you’re a genocide supporter? I like shooter games too but I’m obviously not going to go kill anyone, everyone needs to chill out with the moral policing, you sound like the Tipper Gore crowd. Is the rumbling justified? No, but it’s a great direction for the story and it was inevitable once it was established what was in the walls. Chekhov’s gun had to go off sometime, I’m actually surprised how many people seem to be agonizing over this.

Can't put it into words how amazing AOT has become and is just stepping over each level taking one step at a time !!!

Can't wait till next one

Changed the opinion of many people on eren's genocide

Chapter confirmed Eren is NOT the father

Cruel just like the world

This chapter re-assured me that that first scene of Mikasa is the moment she says goodbye to a dying Eren.

Damn bro it’s great

Dang. When this is animated, I guarantee a lot of youtubers and just the anime fandom in general will think this is the best series of all time.

Eren is one of the best MCs of all time.

Eren is one of the most tragic characters on manga

Eren is the best protagonist

Eren is the GOAT but is also wrong and needs to die real soon

EREN IS THE GOATTTT. AOT IS THE GOATTTT. ISAYAMA IS THE GOATTTT.

Eren is truly the best developed main character from any shonen series, this chapter made my mind.

Eren loses it, again

great job Isayama. well done you madman

Great painfull chapter, Eren having a breakdown Made me so sad and depressed,  I wish him to achieve freedom

Greatest manga of all time

greatest piece of fiction of our generation

Hange is right, this is not an acceptable solution

I cried while reading it no joke

I don't even know what to say about Eren. Sure, this chapter is showing his guilt, but that definitely does NOT justify his actions. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, YEAGERISTS, EREN STANS!!!!!! (sorry I'm just angry about him)

I still think there needs to be a twist, because for me the character development still doesn't work. Eren and Historia have both forgotten common sense and do awful stupid things for stupid, hollow (plot) reasons, and the 104th this entire arc have both become somewhat useless and self-righteous at the convenience of the author. I don't care if the whole arc happened this way just because clearly Isayama wants to have the rumbling as the last arc, but if this was his objective he should have been more focused on character consistency and less on the mystery of it all. It still all feels less like the choices of actual characters than plot convenience, and it gives me the same sensation of the Serumbowl, which I thought was the nadir of the series.

If truly there's won't be some last minute twist it's just bad character writing in service of a plot decided in advance. Same with Historia and the 104th. Who cares about character consistence? Not Isayama, apparently

For some reason Eren wants Armin to the what his is doing.

Honestly, of all the characters Armin is the last I'd want succeding in stopping Eren. Let Mikasa have the spotlight, damn it.

Beautiful pain

Beautifully drawn but very gory

a person can gladly become a devil or a god if he has to, for justice.

A truly sad and terrifying chapter. I never understood how anyone could support this. Don't get me wrong. I understand plotwise why it had to happen. I knew Isayama would show us this. This part was unavoidable for the story he's trying to tell. Doesn't mean I have ever supported it, or that I ever will. But hey at least Aruannie is cannon, so that's a silver linning to this absolutely horrible chapter.

PS. I never wanted to punch a fictional character in the face as much as I want to punch Eren's. Alas, he's not real and I will never get the satisfaction of doing that.

Adding onto child eren's freedom panel, i believe it represents the idea of freedom he had wished for before he was betrayed by the world itself.

All hail the mad king

All that suffering, for what. You won but at what cost

IT MAKES MY HEAD SPIN AND THE FORSHADOWING BUILD UP TO THIS CHAPTER IS JUST *chefs kiss*

It really shows that Attack On Titan isn’t an ordinary story. It is a storyline filled with emotions, tragedies and somehow the cruel reality that this world possesses.

It shifted through a lot of POVs, it was pretty good.

It showed the rumbling and Eren in much more impartial way.

It was crazy to finally see in Eren's Head but all it did was confirm the things I was thinking for awhile and put me more on his side.At this point I'm ride or Die Eren Yaeger just so I can see how this all ends.

It was good, but I wish we would've gotten more with the rest of the crew going to Marley.

Listen, I really love Eren, I have deeply felt for him. I still do, I relate too much with his own traumas but since the timeskip. I have distanced myself from him and I don't and have never supported on his stance for genocide because he set this up with Zeke and pushed Marley to go into war while they didn't want it in the first place. However I have too much of a strong emotional connection to him so I understand him and I admit, it made me doubt a little bit on some of my stances. Since Eren is so different from who he was back before the timeskip, I have always assumed and the manga has not proved me wrong, that he's being influenced by something or someone which is feeling on his traumas, anger, depression and dissapointments. So I am still extremely optimistic about him.

Jesus Fucking Christ

its funny how the dream dies with reality

Its great to finally get some of Erens thoughts but it’s just made me think he’s not acc the one in control

My tears create a whole new ocean.

no opinion really, chapter felt kinda flat and repetitive in parts

Alliance supporters learning that Eren is suffering with all this shit and isn't trash and pitiful like their hypocrite babies who were genociding their own people in the last 32 volumes.

Amazing. The way Eren developed from this angsty little child to someone who's willing to kill everyone to achieve his childhood dream and save his pals is truly wonderful.

Rumbling go wee

I found it tragically ironic that Eren just has a passing thought of what his mom would think of his actions, and it reminds me of how he wouldn’t listen to her when he was younger. Do you think this is a subtle indication that Eren hasn’t matured from the thought processes of a selfish boy, or does he truly hold weight and more consideration to what his mother (and other people) would think? Personally, I think he is more aware of outside views, but just refuses to accept that reality because he is so stuck on his own desires.

It's one of the pivotal scenes because atleast I know that within Eren he still at somepoint have consicience and shows that at somepoint he can be stopped.

Rumbling goes rumble

Eremin <3

Yams makes me confused! I dunno!

Collosal Titans go brr

CONFUSING IN WAY TOO MANY PARTS!!! where to start or stop... from ymir to bird to child eren is all confusing af but nice :)

Depression and depression

Did we really need to spend that many pages on that AruAni BS? So much for fucking 5% being left.

Dis gon be good

Let's get the final confrontation underway!

Welp, there is absolutely no defying it: Eren is the big bad and there is no secret plan to make it up.

Let’s get ready to RUUUUUUUUMBLE!

LETS FUCKING GOOO

Levi and Hange convo when? Armin and Annie end of the world sex when? Jean confessing to Mikasa when? Floch suprise killing Connie or Jean when? Floch getting thrown over board to die at sea rather than being shot when?

LOLZ at anyone still defending the rumbling after this chapter portraying it as something heroic or justifiable

Make me feel. Make me feel more.

Man, this is rough.

Overall well rounded chapter. Time to get back to alliance and Historia after this though.

Poor Eren. But I kind of understand.

Ppl who are calling Eren GOAT or saying they were only sad in this chapter bc Eren cried are legit psychopaths.

Seeing Eren’s POV and reasoning behind pursuing the rumbling makes me feel for him. We know he cares about his friends, paradis, etc. I am at a loss of words for this chapter. However I will say this, Armin in paths with Eren is not a coincidence. I think isayama is foreshadowing of a conversation THEY’VE ALREADY HAD, and what’s to come..

Isayama is being stingy about letting his characters talk to each other properly. I mean really how many scenes do we have left on this boat while the rumbling goes on? When there’s still so much to be said. Wasted chapter imo, a lot more could’ve been said and done.

E+H=Y

Eren confirmed that he will kill everyone. The rumbling cannot be stopped.

Even though we have gotten some insight on Eren's pov, it has created more questions than answers. His motives are still very confusing and we are still being kept in the dark

Every chapter update makes me sad :( the story has gotten so tragic and i love it but oof. I didnt think it could get sadder but Isayama proves me wrong every month

Every new released chapter is better than the last one. I love these series. Props to mr. Hajime Isayama 💪🏆

Exactly what we needed, have more faith now.

Exceeded my expectations. The last two chapters were mindblowing after a slow mini Arc at the port. Isayama can really pull ar your heartstrings with flashbacks and Eren's pov.

Thanks Isayama for the microscopic eremin crumbs

that kid eren scene though... easily the best scene the series so far

That was damn perfect

That was f***ing amazing and awful at the same time. I want this series to end, but actually no. Keep going Isayama. You crazy motherf***er.

the "beyond the walls" talk between armin and eren is being brought up again and im emotional now thx

The ending's gonna disappoint people, no matter how well/badly it's executed. Chapter was cool, but overhyped imo

The pacing seems slow, but then again, it was recently nodded to that the manga won't end at Chapter 134 or 135 but 136. And Isayama does have everything planned out for a long time. I don't think he'll disappoint.

the significance of many things in the story are too epic, carla and mikasa look alike, grisha and eren look alike, historia and dina even look alike, the repeating actions, along with the intricate history formed, give us a lot to speculate but nothing to confirm.

I am somewhat sad for eren, to see the point that he has reached by having that freedom that he longed for so much but that I hardly think exists is sad, I don't know how the hell this is going to end but hey I don't know

I can't even begin to imagine how this is going to look in the anime. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

I can't imagine how the manga will end in a few chapters

I can't wait for 132.

I can’t believe this

I can’t wait to see this chapter voice acted, holy shit.

I loved the context that Eren's apology provides, really gives some much needed insight on his thoughts about the future during the timeskip

I need him to talk to mikasa and armin!

On this poll, I noticed that there's nothing about Mikasa haha. I want her to have a moment for the next chapter, or appear on Eren's memories. We know she's gonna be playing a big role for this arc.

I like where the story is going and I can’t wait for the anime so I can show AOT to everyone.

I think Eren is going somewhere. If he wanted to rumble the world, he can control the titans even from the safety of Paradis. I think he is going to that tree under which Ymir fell.

I think it focuses on Eren a bit too much. Maybe show us some Levi? Thank you.

i think reiner is gay

I am currently not taking a side. Not with Eren or with the Yeagerists or with our heroes. I'm just here to see how it all goes down and how Isayama wants to play it out. I've been enjoying every single chapter and being so moved it's insane. F the ship wars and the bs, this story is much more than that. And tragedy is written all over it. Ok brb getting my tissues prepared for next chapter.... 👍

I don't know how many more issues we're going to have but I worry that the story is going to come to a screeching halt and leave too many questions unanswered. Isayama has got so many plates spinning, narratively speaking, I have no idea how he is going to finish them or if he'll finish them at all.

Just a series of gut-punches one after the other after every panel, oof this chapter affected me more than any other. It also made me wonder about how the planet in general would be affected.  Like how would ecosystems change?  Will Eren only go after the civilized countries and then stop?  Or will he not let a single person survive outside the island and just actually steamroll the whole planet?  If he does, wouldn't that change climates and stuff?  What's about the animals and plants? Am I thinking too much about this? How will the drastic changes affect the Paradisians? All this assuming the alliance doesn't manage to stop him (which is likely)

although initially him and reiner seemed to pursue the same path, eren initial motive was to wipe them all and he said it multiple times, I don't believe he has guilt nor remorse because "it was all set from the very start"

We also got a seamless reintegration of the theme of what it means to be a "good person", something both Armin and Annie have grappled with as far back as Female Titan arc, and it's great to see it re-emerge in the context of the rumbling. Annie is an underrated character. Isayama could have had her come back with some bullshit royal blood or daughter-of-Kruger twist, but instead he decides to integrate her into the conflict as her own person and make her a more interesting character than Reiner (sorry Soul).

Eren is allowed to have emotions, he should be able to feel terrible about himself for having to wipe out most of humanity. But he also believes that this is the only way. He begged Hange if there was another way, he WANTED an option that didn't end with the world being rumbled. When Hange had no ideas, and no else had a plan that would keep Paradis safe, he felt like he had to move forward, towards freedom.

Eren is neither right or wrong in his decision. Killing innocents, destroying entire ecosystems and ending human civilization is morally bankrupt. In many ways his plan is short sighted, but when I say this, my stance comes from a logical standpoint rather than a moral one(the political instability of the island, the precedent it sets, the danger he put his friends in). The *most* moral thing to do was a partial rumbling(there are still some issues both logistical and moral) and while 2 wrongs don’t make a right, I hold Marley and many other nations equally at fault for not being willing to end this diplomatically. Their scorched earth policy brought this on. It’s unfortunate that their citizens are paying the price for their governments crimes. But you can’t threaten to wipe out an entire civilization with no negotiation and not expect a desperate response like a full rumbling. This doesn’t absolve eren of responsibility of his actions, but the rumbling is an extremely unfortunate even that was 100% avoidable if diplomacy had been an option.

Eren, no! That’s all I can say at this point! Armin please, I’m begging you, stop your mans.

Eren, what the fuck?

Eren's self pity doesn't change the fact that he's killing millions of innocents and he's not going to stop despite it.

Eren’s guilt over his actions doesn’t mean a thing considering he’s still doing it. The fact that he saw the future and did nothing to stop it (and actively made it happen) makes him even worse. I don’t feel sorry for him in the slightest.

Even though Eren has the skeletal structure as an (I don't even know.. turkey/bird.. eh...) people are still going to simp the shit out of him on twitter, like jfc-

Eren wanted to destroy all life outside paradis not because he wanted outside world to be just a wonderland of blazing fire , grasslands etc. but because the people outside are making it impossible enough for him to realise his dream of total freedom

I would like to add that AruAni scene was, in my opinion, really important for both armin and Annie character development, since they're having a romance scene with the theoretically enemy (armin is from paradis and Annie is from Marley). I think this represent well that people from Marley and people from Eldia can live together, without violence. (I wish I could write more, but English is not my first language)

I'm glad we're finally getting things more thoroughly from Eren's perspective. Up until now, his motivations and thoughts have mostly been discussed by other characters, but we finally get to hear from him directly. This chapter mostly confirmed what I suspected, that Eren isn't heartless, but he was also a tragic character that was perfectly aware of the destruction he was about to bring upon so many people. Overall really good, can't wait for the next chapter, whatever it may be.

I'm happy that Isayama made clear what an egoist and violent nature  Eren always had, since he was a child: he's not an hero, not an avenger and surely not the "chad goat" some teen edgelords think.

I'm literally shaking so hard rn

The wall titans were always an obvious metaphor for "what if Japan had WMDs", but in this chapter this is made even more obvious when there is nothing left from migrant children but two dark kid-shaped splatters on the ground, which is a pretty clear visual reference to citizens of Hiroshima leaving nothing but scorched silhouettes behind when the atomic bombing happened.

Ironically, there was a popular twitter thread this week about the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and despite not being very familiar with the topic itself, I was somewhat amused to find the arguments in the comments to be very familiar. It's payback, it's to prevent future war, it was justified because of Japanese government's war crimes, Japanese citizens were indoctrinated and racist and would NEVER give up fighting foreigners so bombings were a mercy, it's collateral damage, etc etc.

The warriors deserve much better than being used as props.

There's 99% chance this series is getting a downer ending

They had it coming. The world was warned yet they still provoked him so much. I feel for Eren..

What is the most disappointing thing is how selfish and unreasonable mankind can be. So much hatred between so many people and nations, the world of Attack on Titan is a cursed one. So much blood spilled everywhere, and why? Is it because it's justice? Or is it because it's mother nature? Or is it because mankind is known for bloodshed and selfishness? So much hatred has blinded people, they no longer care to listen for the reason. Nothing matters to them, just their goals. All of this pointless conflict when people can simply try to speak up, try to understand each other, simply make bonds. If people could only live with a bit more empathy... All we can do is hope that so many deaths will have any meaning. Or perhaps Genocide/omnicide never had any meaning... Perhaps all of this was pointless strife.

This chapter confirmed Uri's predictions during his conversation with Kenny by the river. It remains to be seen now whether the alliance will be able to stop eren. I am sad for the world and for Ramzi and his brother. The pictures were horrible to watch (Isayama is very good at drawing emotions).

i'm...so very tired

I’m freakin cryin i need someone to hold me

Slowly, everything is coming back in its place. I am super dedicated at this point to the manga and I just hope Isayama is gonna be able to reach the perfect conclusion for such all these years of construction.

So Eren is a fish Titan...?

Still pro-rumble

Such a tragedy this whole story is. Really heartbreaking to witness. But so meticulously done and masterfully written.

Somebody said, maybe Eren and Zeke were actually fighting or going on memory journey schmuck in the Paths currently, that's why Eren is sleeping and automatically runs the titan on the outside.

If zeke didn’t pull this shit up in the first place none of this wouldn’t happen

Starting to reconsider the time-loop theory being wrong. Everything is literally coming full circle.

Isayama youre a genius but you love seeing us hurt and confused dont you 😭😭😭

It bothered me how surprised people were that Eren did the rumbling and it was sad.  He's been saying he was gonna do it for ages, and now he is.  What's with the surprised pikachu fandom?

Jesus Christ everyone needs therapy

Please end this story with happy ending!

[artificialqueens]

Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor, 13 (Branjie) (and background everyone) - Ortega

a/n:guess who’s realised she never submitted this to AQ? it’s ya boi. if u haven’t been able to read this yet then here it is, and look out for the final chapter coming soon! thank u to everyone who’s ever sent this fic some love, it means the world to me!!

fic summary: Strictly Come Dancing enters its 18th series and its producers, after being goaded by a rival dance show on its inclusivity, commission it to be an all-female cast. Unlike Akeria who’s just here to bone her potential dance partner, dancer Vanessa is ready to act like a professional.

And then TV presenter Brooke Lynn walks into the rehearsal room.

***

6th December 2020

Vanessa’s in the wine aisle of Marks and Spencers when she sees her again.

Her hair’s been dyed- she already knew that, she’s seen pictures of it on her Insta feed- and the demure tones of the honey-brown balayage are a contrast to the blonde ombré she’d had when they’d been together, but it suits her. She’s in sweatpants and a cropped jumper, because of course she is, and Vanessa recognises the matching pink set emblazoned with the Playboy logo from Missguided adverts on bus shelters. She’s wearing some form of chunky white trainers and Vanessa isn’t proud of the fact that she feels a little flame of satisfaction light up in her gut when she sees that they’re splattered with mud, contrasting with her clean outfit and perfect makeup.

Vanessa turns back to the green bottles in front of her, staring at them for so long and with such intensity that she thinks she might rip the fabric of reality in two. She consciously blocks out her peripheral vision so that all she can see is the label of one bottle of white which she reads over and over again. A light, dry white with citrus notes and lively green fruit flavours. Grown in the spectacular setting of the sun ripened vineyards of central Spain. Goes with fish, chicken and salads.

She doesn’t, in any way, shape or form, know how to play this situation, because this is the first time she’s seen Kameron in person since they decided to call it quits. One one hand she could just keep staring at the wine bottle, attempt to blend into the shelves via osmosis and completely avoid her ex, but on the other hand…Vanessa doesn’t really know what the other hand is, because she doesn’t know what a conversation between the two of them would look like. There’s a part of her that wants to find out.

And suddenly, with a cry that Vanessa recognises as hers, the decision is made for her.

“Vanjie?”

Slowly, timidly, Vanessa turns around to meet her eyes. Soft, brown eyes that Vanessa had once looked into and seen her whole world and future.

God, it’s fucking crazy how she used to be so in love with her and now she feels completely apathetic.

“Kam! Hey,” Vanessa smiles tightly, waving awkwardly with the hand she’s not holding her shopping basket with. “How are you?”

“I’m fine! Well, actually, not amazing. I tried to make this really fancy, complex coq au vin for dinner last night but I don’t know what the hell I did wrong because it tasted like fucking ass. So I’m here getting ingredients again because Mama didn’t raise a quitter. It’ll probably still taste like garbage though, you know what I’m like,” Kameron reels off, which makes Vanessa smile in spite of herself. Kam was never the best at cooking and it was usually Vanessa who made the dinners when they were together, but there were still a couple of times when she’d tried at something and had failed spectacularly. Kameron seems to pick up on what she’d said as a little look of discomfort flashes in her eyes before she follows her sentence up with, “How’re you? God, it’s been ages.”

“It has,” Vanessa shrugged a little. So much has changed since they’ve last spoken that Vanessa isn’t really sure where to start. “I’m good. Things are pretty great, really. Obviously had a good run on the show for my first year competing, so hopefully I’ll get a partner next year too an’ win it next time.”

“I know, you did so well! I was really shocked you didn’t make the semis at least,” Kameron frowns, and the flattery does admittedly soften Vanessa up a little. Kameron’s face lights up as she adds, “God, your girl was so amazing though too! Brooke Lynn Hytes, right? She was super talented. Now I know how good a dancer she is I can’t help but feel like she’s sort of wasted as a presenter.”

“Yeah, she’s incredible,” Vanessa nods emphatically, unable to help the heat she feels spreading to her cheeks whenever she gets to talk about Brooke with somebody. Kameron’s expression changes a little as she clocks Vanessa’s blush, and a cheeky glint appears in her eye. Vanessa frowns. “Hey. Behave.”

“I didn’t say a word!” Kameron laughs, and as she trails off there’s a smile on her face that’s affectionate and helps Vanessa warm up to her ex even more. “Listen, what’re your plans? I’d honestly love to catch up. It’s been too long.”

Vanessa tilts her head in thought. The conversation isn’t going too badly, and her only plans are going round to Brooke’s later on to watch the semi-final results and have dinner (hence the reason she’s gone to M&S to get wine and not the Tesco Metro round the corner from her). So Vanessa surprises herself when she shrugs, giving Kameron a little nod. “Okay, yeah. Lemme get this wine and then we can get coffee.”

The way Kameron’s face lights up makes Vanessa think that her decision was the correct one.

They’re sat at a little table at the window of a nondescript coffee shop roughly ten minutes later, Kameron stirring the hell out of a vanilla latte that’s sat in front of her and creating a tiny whirlpool in the coffee that puts Vanessa in mind of a Pirates of the Carribean movie. Kameron’s talking about the flat she’s in just now- she bought it after she rented for a while when she moved out of Vanessa’s place- and how furniture is so expensive.

“I mean I could just go to IKEA and just furnish the entire thing for, like, two grand, but I actually want some really nice stuff, you know? Like it’s a big girl professional flat, not a uni rental,” she screws her face up as she finally takes a sip. Vanessa bristles a little opposite her- she knows Kam doesn’t mean it, but Vanessa wants to remind her that most of her furniture is from IKEA, because they’d gone and bought it all together when they first moved in. Kameron doesn’t seem affected, though, and keeps talking. “What about you? You still living out at Finsbury Park?”

Vanessa nods. “I’m still in the same flat, I never moved.”

A look of shock passes over Kameron’s face and Vanessa can read her like a book- the fact she’s still in that flat where they made so many memories together is obviously surprising. Vanessa can’t help but laugh. “Kameron, chill. You don’t roam the fuckin’ halls like a ghost, I don’t burst into tears whenever I go into a room. It’s a decent flat at a decent price, I wanted to keep it.”

“Right. Sorry. Ego check,” Kameron smiles sheepishly, and Vanessa feels bad for poking fun at her. Kameron perks up after a second, laughs a little. “I like how you said ‘halls’ plural. Like it’s a stately home and not a fucking matchbox with an intercom system.”

Vanessa’s taking a sip of her own hot chocolate and she almost chokes on it in a laugh, Kameron howling and slapping the table in response. Vanessa’s forgotten that Kam used to make her laugh, still can. She always used to see it like some sort of secret privilege she had access to, the quiet girl’s funny side rare and only popping out on special occasions. That hasn’t changed over the years.

“How’s work, anyway?” Vanessa asks her as she composes herself. Kameron shrugs easily.

“Pretty good. I did a Dua Lipa music video the other week, that should be coming out in a month or so.”

“Is she actually as bad a dancer as that video made her out to be?”

Kameron smirks. “She had a shit choreographer; she’s actually alright. Not pop girl standard, but you know. My agent’s trying to get me on the Blackpink tour next, so I should hear back from that soon.”

Vanessa’s glad that work hasn’t dried up for Kameron- the backing dancer industry is treating her well.

“Anyway,” Kameron bats her lashes, looking at Vanessa coyly from behind her glass. “Tell me more about this dance partner of yours, miss.”

Vanessa feels herself blush, a bashful laugh escaping her lips before she can stop it. It’s weird- after they first broke up Vanessa always used to think she’d love the chance to rub her ex’s face in a new relationship, but it feels ever so slightly odd now she’s actually about to talk about Brooke in front of her. “Honestly, we’re just seeing each other and keeping things casual. Y’know, while the series is still goin’. We’re not even official or public.”

“Yet,” Kameron smiles cheekily at her, and Vanessa can’t suppress the smile she returns to her.

“Okay, yet. But it’s going really well. I really like her. She’s sweet, an’ she’s caring, an’ she’s the best listener.”

“And she won’t be a fucking idiot and cheat on you.”

“No, I don’t think she will,” Vanessa shrugs, the fact that Kameron’s brought the situation up casting a small grey cloud over the conversation. It’s clunky and awkward, a puzzle piece jammed in a place it shouldn’t be. It’s been brought up now though, so Vanessa grimaces and adds, “But then I never thought you would, either.”

Kameron’s face screws up in regret, and before Vanessa knows it she’s rested a hand on top of hers and is giving her a tentative smile. “I know I said it about twenty million times when we were together but I’m honestly so sorry, Vanessa. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Kam, you gotta stop beatin’ yourself up about it,” Vanessa cuts in and says swiftly. Her own words shock her; they’ve come from virtually nowhere, and she’s amazed at the raw sympathy she’s just shown her. “You were drunk, it was a kiss. Strictly is…it’s a weird show. You saw him more hours in the day than you saw me. Kisses between partners happen all the time, it just…sucks that it happened between you two.”

Kameron nods quietly, and Vanessa puts her other hand on top of hers. “I forgive you. Give yourself a break.”

Kameron squeezes her hand, shoots her a soft smile. “Thanks, Vanjie.”

They let go of each other’s hands and each take a sip of their own drink, the silence between them somewhat symbolic like someone wiping words off a whiteboard. Vanessa watches as Kameron swallows a gulp of her coffee and grins. “Hey, do me a solid and put in a good word with Asia O’Hara for me, okay? I really want to slide into her DMs but I need some context first.”

“Your face can be the context, fuckin’ look in a mirror,” Vanessa snorts, and the two of them laugh together.

It’s nice. This huge, big, massive event she’s built up in her head for all these months is happening- she’s bumped into Kameron and she’s speaking to her. She doesn’t need to build it up anymore, or wonder about how it would play out because she’s living it, it’s playing out and she never has to see Kameron for the first time since they broke up ever again. A wall crumbles down in her mind without warning and once the dust settles she realises that she feels somewhat lighter.

Vanessa has been carrying this burden around with her for all this time without even having known it.

The pair of them eventually finish up- hug goodbye outside the coffee shop and tell each other how nice this all had been and then go their separate ways. They don’t promise to keep in touch, but Vanessa knows they’ll probably like each others’ Instagram posts or occasionally tweet each other support or that kind of thing now. Little things that remind them they’re still on good terms.

As Vanessa heads to the tube, her mind drifts to Brooke and how excited she is to see her. The week has been long and Brooke’s been busy, but true to her word she’s messaged Vanessa whenever she’s had a spare moment, updating her on her day and asking her about her own. On Tuesday she’d invited Vanessa round to her flat on Sunday night as she has a day off on Monday and they can spend the night together. She’s not just abandoned her or left her hanging, and if there’s about to be a gap between her messages she always pre-warns her. Brooke’s treating her well. Almost like a girlfriend. Exactly like a girlfriend.

Vanessa still doesn’t know what they really are. She’s so far told herself that that’s alright, but now they’re out of the competition that answer isn’t really satisfying her any more. She wants to call Brooke hers, she wants to be with her properly. As Brooke’s apartment building comes into view, Vanessa wonders if she’ll bring it up tonight.

As she buzzes Brooke’s intercom, though, Brooke’s tone throws everything into a tailspin.

“Hello?”

Vanessa frowns. Brooke sounds ever-so-slightly icy and fed up. She wonders if she’s imagined it. “Uh, hey! It’s Vanessa.”

“Hey. Come up.”

As the door buzzes open and Vanessa steps into the building, she waves away the thoughts in her head. She’s probably overthinking things, and as she steps into the elevator and lets herself be carried up to Brooke’s 12th floor apartment Vanessa tries to calm her nerves. It’s the first time she’s been to Brooke’s flat- in fact it’s the first time either of them have been at either of their flats- so she’s a little anxious. It’s another layer of the relationship they’re adding on, and the thought of things getting a little more serious makes Vanessa’s heart flutter.

So her head is thrown into a tailspin when the elevator doors open onto a landing and she’s met with three doors- two closed, and the other (Brooke’s, a little gold 111 set into the smooth grey exterior) is ever so slightly ajar. Vanessa narrows her eyes, tentatively stepping out of the lift, crossing the hall, and pushing the door open a little.

“Brooke Lynn?”

Brooke’s voice replies, still something to it that Vanessa can’t quite work out. “I’m in here.”

Frowning, Vanessa steps through the doorway and into Brooke’s flat. The whole situation is so strange that she can barely take in everything she sees; a long, narrow hallway lined with high heels that leads down to what looks like a sunken living room with a cream sofa and a floor-to-ceiling view of London. There’s a room to the right halfway down the hall, though, and it seems to be where Brooke’s voice came from, so Vanessa closes the front door and hears the click of the lock behind her as she follows it. Maybe she’s in the middle of something. Maybe she’s just busy and she wants Vanessa’s company while she finishes whatever it is she’s doing.

And then, as Vanessa turns into the room, the situation becomes immediately apparent.

Brooke’s bedroom is dark- the blinds are drawn and the only light comes from a few candles that are sitting on the tidy grey dressing-table under the window and the soft pink salt lamp that sits on the bedside table. The large bed pushed up against the wall takes up most of the room, and its sheets are white and perfectly ironed and crease-free.

They serve as a perfect backdrop to the sight that’s currently greeting Vanessa- Brooke, in a matching set of black Calvin Klein underwear, curled up against the pillows and scrolling her phone. The dark material makes Brooke’s pale skin pop, and the sight of her toned thighs and stomach forces Vanessa to squeeze her thighs together in spite of herself. Brooke looks up as she enters the room and smiles smugly, clearly happy to get the reaction Vanessa’s given her.

“Hey, sweetie,” she says, her voice light and sing-song and making the entire situation worse because the fact she’s so perfectly put-together while Vanessa is slowly becoming a melting, gooey mess in front of her is, for some reason, only making her want to rip Brooke’s clothes off even more than she already does. “Come sit.”

She gently pats the space on the bed next to her and Vanessa almost knocks herself out kicking her trainers off and letting her jacket fall to the floor as she scrambles up onto the bed. She feels herself blush as Brooke gives a soft laugh (presumably in response to just how eager she is) then decides she doesn’t really care how she’s coming across as Brooke leans in and closes the gap between them, kisses her with soft Chapstick lips that Vanessa feels as if she’s addicted to. Vanessa expects the kiss to be more than it is- flames of seductive fire that make one thing lead to another all too quickly- but instead it feels as if Brooke is deliberately holding back, teasing her a little. It’s not helping Vanessa’s desperation at all, and just as she brings a hand up to rest on Brooke’s hip, Brooke breaks the kiss.

“So,” Brooke begins cryptically, as she reaches for her phone where she’d discarded it against the sheets. “I was just scrolling Instagram, you know, as you do. And, uh, I felt a little bit confused.”

Vanessa frowns in tandem with Brooke, who finally appears to reach the post she’s been looking for. Brooke’s voice keeps its light tone as she continues. “Because apparently, according to these photos…it looks like you had a cute little reunion date with your ex today?”

Vanessa’s heart drops as Brooke turns her phone to show her the long-lens photograph posted by The Sun’s Instagram account. It’s her and Kameron at the coffee shop window, taken at the exact moment that Kameron had reached out and taken her hand and Vanessa had shot her a forgiving smile and taken hers in return, probably the most affection they’ve shown each other in a whole year.

But Jesus Christ, has it been taken out of context and then some.

She’s panicking, and she can feel her mouth opening and closing rapidly as she attempts to explain herself. The one saving grace about the whole situation is that Brooke appears to be…calm? Relaxed? She’s not flown off the handle, anyway, which Vanessa wouldn’t exactly have expected, and there’s also the fact she’s in a matching underwear set so clearly can’t be that mad at her. So Vanessa finally finds her voice, tells Brooke everything- how she’d only bumped into Kameron in the shop, and how it was just a coffee and nothing more, and how she’d actually finally received closure for everything that had happened between the two of them.

As she speaks, part of Vanessa wants to bring up the fact that she and Brooke aren’t even together together, so why Brooke’s so pressed about all of this Vanessa doesn’t know.

Unless Brooke wants them to be more than what they already are. And Vanessa has fucked it.

Shit.

“It’s just all a massive misunderstandin’, honestly,” Vanessa finishes, and she’s relaxing a little more now that Brooke’s body language is warmer. “I maybe should’ve texted you but I was gonna tell you tonight anyway, I promise. I wouldn’t…I just wouldn’t mess you about like that, Brooke.”

Brooke slowly lets a bashful smile creep across her face as she nods softly. “Okay.”

And, just because she can, Vanessa pulls her in for another kiss. This time there’s a little more heat to it which makes Vanessa’s stomach flutter in anticipation, but she still feels as if Brooke’s holding back. It’s only then that Vanessa remembers how Brooke had told her she liked being in control, how much Brooke got off on hearing her beg for what she wanted the first time they’d slept together, and it all falls into place.

Oh.

Before Vanessa can say anything, Brooke’s trailing her hand from its position cupping Vanessa’s jaw down her body to rest on her waist, and Vanessa’s mouth goes ever-so-slightly dry. Brooke’s face is still close as she speaks again. “See I thought that would be the case, because I know you’d never do anything to hurt me.”

Vanessa responds by mirroring Brooke’s touches, resting her own hand against her exposed thigh and delighting as she watches something darken behind Brooke’s eyes. Her tone changes a little as she continues. “But it did get me thinking…what if you did forget how good you had it one day?”

“Won’t happen,” Vanessa shakes her head, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth as Brooke pushes up the hem of her oversized white t-shirt, rests the palm of her hand against the bare skin at her waist. Vanessa squeezes her legs together again and she watches as Brooke flicks her gaze down, suppresses a smirk badly.

“It won’t?” Brooke pouts mockingly, and Vanessa loves it. “Well, just in case…I thought I’d show you what you’d miss if you ever did think you could do better than me.”

“Fuck,” Vanessa verbalises what she’s thinking in a hiss, as Brooke tugs at the bottom of her top and removes it quickly without Vanessa having to do anything other than raise her hands above her head.

Brooke dips her down so that her head’s resting against the pillows and presses kisses to Vanessa’s jaw, neck, collarbone, right down to the lace of her bra. Vanessa’s pulse is racing and she finds herself already spreading her legs, unable to help the way she needs Brooke to touch her.

“God, you’re so needy,” Brooke tuts disapprovingly into her skin, briefly reaching her hands under Vanessa’s back in an attempt to unhook her bra. Vanessa’s stomach tenses as she lifts herself off the mattress to help her, and soon the bra that she spent entirely too long picking out this morning is thrown halfway across the room onto the dark wood of Brooke’s bedroom floor.

“Says the girl that’s trying to get my boobs out in the first two minutes of foreplay- ah!” Vanessa cuts herself off as Brooke sucks a hickey into her collarbone. If she wanted to get Vanessa to shut up she’s succeeded, and so Vanessa instead focuses her attention on trailing her nails up and down Brooke’s back, delighting in the way the other girl shivers gently at the contact.

Brooke brings her lips up to meet Vanessa’s and she licks gently into her mouth as she strokes her thumb over one of her nipples, the contact making Vanessa flinch against the bed in the best kind of way. Vanessa trails a hand up Brooke’s back and pushes her fingers into her hair, and when Brooke breaks away her stomach flips at the way it’s all messed up and imperfect. Paired with Brooke’s blown pupils and plush lips, it’s a sight that makes Vanessa buck gently into the air almost without realising.

“Jesus. It really doesn’t take much, does it?” Brooke laughs gently as she loops a finger under the waistband of her leggings, and Vanessa shakes her head and pouts self-indulgently.

“Brooke…” she begins, then trails off when she doesn’t actually realise what she wants to say. She’s very happy to let her be in charge if this is what happens as a result, and when Brooke moves to straddle her it renders her twice as speechless as she was before.

“If this is you now, I’m almost scared for how you’re going to react when you see what I’m planning on doing to you,” Brooke says softly, the fake concern to her voice sending shockwaves rippling through Vanessa’s body. Before she can respond Vanessa gasps as Brooke pulls off her leggings, leaving her in the red thong she’d agonised over and the white ankle socks she’d put entirely less thought into. Brooke is left kneeling between Vanessa’s spread legs; dark heavy-lidded eyes, mouth hanging ever-so-slightly open. When she speaks, her voice is ragged.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” she says, and maybe it’s the simplicity of it but Brooke’s words make Vanessa feel completely naked despite what she’s still wearing.

“You’re beautiful,” Vanessa breathes out in an instant reply.

Brooke pouts and trails one of her short acrylics up Vanessa’s inner thigh, ripping a whine from her. “You sure Kameron isn’t more beautiful?”

“Jesus,” Vanessa throws her head back against the pillow and lets out a breathy laugh. “I didn’t have you down as the jealous type at all.”

When she tilts her head up Brooke’s got an unimpressed eyebrow raised at her. “You’re already in trouble, this isn’t helping your case.”

Vanessa can’t resist the urge to tease her and so she sticks her tongue out in response. “Oh what, you gonna punish me? You gonna tie me to the bed an’ spank me?”

Brooke’s gaze darkens. There’s a pause as she crawls up the bed, hovers over Vanessa with her face close. Vanessa keeps her own eyes sparkling as she stays still, challenging her to see if she’ll crack even though she wants to grab her jaw and kiss her with the same intensity they’d shown each other earlier.

“Brooke Lynn’s jeal-ous,” she sing-songs right in her face, and when Brooke pulls back she’s wearing a dark expression. Vanessa brings her hands up to rest on Brooke’s waist, traces the outline of her waistband.

And when Brooke leans over to the top drawer of her bedside table, Vanessa’s eyes widen as she instantly realises what she means.

She produces a wireless pink wand vibrator, and Vanessa’s body hotwires.

“Fuck.”

“Mm-hm,” Brooke murmurs, lips quirking in a smile. “You’re going to get punished for the stunt you decided to pull today.”

“Oh no, I hate orgasms! What a terrible punishment,” Vanessa smiles back at her, sarcastic and indulgent.

“Who says you’re going to be allowed to have any?” Brooke frowns.

Vanessa instantly realises her mistake.

“Wait…but-”

“Yeah. I’d suggest you better start being extra nice to me,” Brooke interrupts her, resting the wand down on the bed beside one of Vanessa’s thighs and hooking her fingers around the waistband of her underwear to tug it off. While this is happening Vanessa shuffles against the sheets in anticipation, something curling tightly in the pit of her stomach and the throbbing between her legs becoming impossible to ignore. She wants so badly to be touched, wants Brooke to feel how wet she is and for her eyes to go all wide when she realises she’s the one that’s got her this worked up, but instead of her fingers or her tongue she’s using that stupid fucking vibrator and she’s not even going to be allowed to come.

Fuck.

“Please, Brooke Lynn,” Vanessa pouts, letting a hand trail up Brooke’s thigh from where she’s positioned herself between her legs.

Brooke gives a short laugh. “You think you’re begging me now, wait until I get started.”

“Promise I’ll be good for you,” Vanessa insists, the end of her sentence almost getting cut off with a gasp as Brooke presses the wand against her. It’s not even switched on yet but it’s something that Vanessa can grind against, and she bucks her hips gently against the head.  

“If you want me to turn it on you better keep those hips still,” Brooke says quickly, and Vanessa groans in resignation, lies still like she’s been asked.

She’s rewarded with a soft hum and a gentle buzz against her slit, and she can’t help the moan of satisfaction she gives in response as Brooke holds the wand there for a few moments, letting Vanessa get used to it. After so much build-up it feels like heaven, and the feeling leaves Vanessa wondering how long she’s going to last.

Brooke starts to swipe the wand up and down against her; lazy, slow motions that leave Vanessa squirming against the mattress every time she feels the vibrations brush against her clit. It’s not helping that Vanessa can see Brooke’s own chest rising and falling increasingly quickly, her pink, flushed cheeks, her hair all unkempt from Vanessa running her fingers through it.

“This good, babe?” Brooke asks, her tone ragged and her voice hoarse. When she snaps her gaze up to meet Vanessa’s eyes her pupils are blown and black and it sends an arrow through Vanessa’s heart that instantly shatters it as if it’s a piñata full of confetti.

“Mm,” is all Vanessa can manage, along with a rapid nod against the pillow.

“Not quite hearing a yes or a no there,” Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Maybe I should just turn it off-”

“No, no, no, no! It’s good, it’s good, fuck, yes, please don’t stop,” Vanessa instantly reels off as if it’s a frantic prayer. Brooke’s probably the closest thing to religion she’s experienced in months.

“You sure? You sure Kameron wouldn’t do it better?” Brooke says teasingly, wiggling the vibrator against her clit as if to make a point and sending Vanessa into the stratosphere.

“No, I promise, I promise, babe, please, please, please,” she whines. She can hear herself pleading and she hopes it’ll help Brooke come round to the idea of letting her orgasm because if Brooke ups the setting on her wand then there’s no way she’s going to be able to exercise any form of restraint.

Brooke switches back to slowly sliding the vibrator against her, and Vanessa can feel Brooke’s grip on her thigh tighten.

“Fuck, I can see how wet you are from here.”

Vanessa feels herself throb, her body responding to Brooke’s words before she can. She fists both her her hands into the sheets, can’t see her knuckles but knows they’ve gone white. “You wanna taste me so bad.”

“So much,” Brooke pouts, nodding slowly. “But…you need to lie there and take your punishment.”

“Fuck. I miss when you were too shy to talk during sex,” Vanessa huffs, grumpy, and she’s immediately stopped from saying any more as the wand buzzes that little bit more intensely against her. Brooke brings it back up to her clit, rubs it in slow, small circles that drive Vanessa wild and render her almost incapable of thought.

“Sounds like you’re the one who can’t talk during sex,” Brooke deadpans, squeezing Vanessa’s thigh to punctuate her point.

She can feel how slick the wand is against her, only illustrating how wet she is. The hum of the vibrator and the gasps Vanessa can hear herself making are heightening her senses; it’s too much and not enough all at once. Both Brooke’s teasing and the sensation of the wand vibrating against her is making Vanessa’s inevitable orgasm build inside her, and it’s only a matter of time before she hits boiling point.

“Brooke- ah!- please…don’t know how much longer I’m gonna last…”

“Oh, no way,” Brooke says darkly, and in an instant the vibrator is off and Vanessa’s back is arching off the bed in frustration as she cries out in disappointment. “You don’t get to come yet, babe, not after the sass you just gave me.”

Vanessa instantly regrets opening her stupid mouth and teasing Brooke more than anything she’s ever regretted before in her life. She whines, reaches her hips up into the air as if she’s going to generate friction from nowhere, and Brooke’s pouting in mock-sympathy. Vanessa knows she could just spring up from her position against the bed, grab Brooke’s face and kiss her and pin her down and take the control back, but there’s part of her that knows how unbelievably satisfying it’s going to be when she does get to come if she’s this worked up already.

Brooke’s watching her with heavy-lidded eyes as she traces up her leg then fans her fingers out over her inner thigh and rubs her thumb against her clit. The contact makes Vanessa’s eyes almost roll into the back of her head; the wand has heightened her sensitivity and she’s by now so slick and wet from all of Brooke’s teasing that with every little rub of her thumb Vanessa can feel the fire between her thighs become completely out of control.

“God, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do this to you every fucking day since Blackpool,” Brooke bites her lip, and Vanessa bucks against her thumb helplessly. “We’d be having to rehearse but all I wanted to do was just to make you beg for it again and again, fuck.”

“Should’ve told me.”

“Mm. I almost texted you about it. One of the nights I was lying in bed fucking myself with my fingers and remembering how good yours felt…remembering how you felt like fucking heaven underneath me…I could’ve sent you so many pictures that night…”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ you need to stop talking or I’m gonna come,” Vanessa squeezes her eyes shut. Brooke’s still teasing her clit and Vanessa knows she’s deliberately applying just not quite enough pressure. She’s so on edge and it feels like the most incredible form of torture.

“You want the wand back, sweetie?”

“Please, fuck, yes,” Vanessa begs, almost wanting to sob. When Brooke’s thumb gets replaced by the vibrating head of the wand she feels lightheaded, lets out a cry that she instantly knows Brooke’s neighbours will hear but she doesn’t care. Brooke’s teasing her badly, holding the wand against her, taking it away for a second, then replacing it, and Vanessa feels so sorry for herself that she starts pleading with her.

“Keep it on me, please,” she gasps out, and when she looks up at Brooke she’s smiling at her wickedly.

“Like this?”

Brooke ups the intensity the moment she makes contact and Vanessa can practically feel herself give a little gush against the wand. Her breath is coming in shallow gasps now, and she’s only just registering the fact that Brooke’s got her hand that isn’t holding the wand down under the waistband of her own underwear, playing with herself. There’s a light sheen of sweat against her chest that’s making her glow like an angel and the way her chest is rising and falling is mirroring Vanessa’s.

Vanessa now realises why people yell out declarations of love right in the middle of their orgasm.

“Why don’t you tell me how much you like it?” Brooke murmurs. Vanessa can see her bucking against her fingers and the sight makes her press herself down against the wand, the way the vibrations roll over her clit in waves making her want to scream.

“So much…so fucking much…”

“Anyone else gonna fuck you like me?”

“No, baby, no-one else, just you, fuck, only you,” Vanessa whimpers. She looks up at Brooke and the sight of her eyes closed in ecstasy, grinding against her fingers and her nipples hard through the fabric of her bra is enough to tip Vanessa on a very gradual decline over the edge. “Fuck, can I come, please?”

“Yes, babe, you can come.”

When Vanessa feels her clit sieze up then pulse frantically against the vibrations of the wand, she shouts out into the bedroom, the pace of her fuck, fuck, fuck in sync with the waves of her orgasm flooding through her body. Brooke holds the wand against her until she’s sure she’s finished and Vanessa can only lie against the mattress, completely worn out and exhausted, as she watches Brooke take the wand and hold it between her own legs, the thin material of her underwear dark between her legs as Vanessa realises just how wet Brooke must be as well.

And even though Vanessa’s too worn out to help her out in the way she wants to, it doesn’t stop her from sliding a lazy hand up her thigh. She takes a couple of shallow breaths before pouting up at Brooke.

“Aww. Did watching me get you too worked up, baby?”

“Mm-hm,” Brooke hums in reply, running her tongue over her bottom lip as she squeezes her eyes shut. It gives her an idea.

“Not used my mouth on you yet. Bet you wish I was doin’ it now.”

“Fuck, Vanessa, keep talking.”

“You don’t get to boss me around any more, princess. Keep talking what?”

Brooke’s face contorts into a frown as she ruts against the wand, eyes still closed. “Keep talking please.”

“Good girl,” Vanessa purrs, and she almost feels as if she could go for round two as she hears the way Brooke gasps in delight at the praise. “You want me to tell you how much I want to put my tongue between your legs and taste you and watch you come apart under me?”

“Ah…”

“Maybe you don’t want that, though. Maybe you want to sit on my face instead. Ride my tongue and shut me up so I can’t talk back to you and drip all over my face all dirty while I just lie there and take it like a good girl.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Brooke hisses out. Vanessa’s surprising herself with what’s coming out of her mouth and how absolutely filthy it all is but she’s going with it because she knows Brooke’s close.

“Tell me how much you want it.”

“Fuck, want it so much.”

“You’re so close, aren’t you?”

“Vanessa…fuck, please…”

Vanessa regains enough strength to sit up and cup Brooke’s face with her hands, meeting her lips with her own and teasing her with a slow, deep kiss. Vanessa flicks her tongue inside her mouth and when she rubs it over Brooke’s she cries out against her lips, her moans almost-but-not-quite swallowed by Vanessa’s kiss as she comes.

Brooke breaks away as she falls against the mattress and Vanessa follows her, lying down beside her and gently switching the wand off. They lay there in silence, Brooke’s gasps and the buzzing in Vanessa’s ears the only things she can still focus on until Brooke reaches out a hand to curl around one of Vanessa’s. Vanessa throws a leg over Brooke, pulls her closer so that Vanessa can rest her head against her chest and feel her frantic heartbeat.

“Fuck me,” Brooke whispers breathlessly, and Vanessa lets out a chuckle.

“What, again? Thought you’d at least want a break first.”

“Shut up,” Brooke giggles. There’s a pause as she presses her lips to Vanessa’s head, mouths something Vanessa can’t hear or see. Then she mutters again, a little louder. “You’re so amazing.”

“You’re amazing,” Vanessa replies childishly, though the way Brooke’s chest judders against her in a laugh Vanessa assumes she doesn’t mind. She flinches a little as Brooke’s stomach gives a loud rumble. “Oh yeah. Forgot you were meant to be making dinner.”

“Hey, I have made dinner thank you very much! It’s in the slow cooker. Cuban beef and rice if that’s okay?” Brooke asks, and Vanessa doesn’t miss the little nervous tone in her voice. It’s adorable.

“Sure it is.”

Brooke lends Vanessa some pyjamas to shove on in lieu of the outfit she’d arrived in, and Vanessa’s heart swells a little at the implication that she’s going to be staying over. She’s not sure if she’ll try and breach the subject of what they are tonight- the evening is already so perfect and Vanessa doesn’t want to ruin anything, especially not when they’re curled up on the sofa with bowls of warm food in their laps and laughing guiltily at the way Jan is sobbing because she and Jackie have become the latest ones to leave the competition after a tense dance-off with Crystal and Gigi.  

“It’ll be a close final, though. Like that’s everyone been in the bottom now,” Vanessa contemplates, tilting her head in thought from her position at the other side of the sofa. Brooke nods, then snorts again.

“God. I feel for Jan, but she just has such a memeable crying face. Like Kim K,” Brooke snorts again, as some ridiculous BBC One gameshow that seems to be based around celebrities strapped into a wheel starts in the background.

“Jan’ll be fine. She’ll recover, she’s a big girl. She’s got Jackie anyway,” Vanessa shrugs. Brooke hums in response, and then there’s a palpable silence that fills the room, almost like Brooke is about to say something. Vanessa waits.

“So today got me thinking,” Brooke finally says, reaching out and curling her fingers around Vanessa’s. Her eyes are in her lap and she’s not meeting her gaze. Vanessa is, in every sense, on the edge of her seat.

“Uh-huh?”

“When I saw those pictures of you and Kameron,” Brooke continues, the reminder making Vanessa’s heart drop. “I got so envious…and then I thought, well…what’s the only way I can make sure Vanessa’s just mine?”

Brooke finally looks at her, and every fibre of Vanessa’s being lifts in hope. “So, uh, I was wondering…if you would want to be my girlfriend.”

And when Vanessa blinks, she can see fireworks explode behind her eyes. She’s unable to help the huge, dumb smile that breaks out on her face as she blushes shyly, gives a nod.

“‘Course I would, baby.”

The smile that bursts onto Brooke’s face mirrors her own, and Vanessa can’t help but lean in and pepper Brooke’s face with kisses, wrap her arms around her in a cuddle.

“Officially yours, now,” Vanessa smiles excitedly, as she rests her head against Brooke’s chest. She can’t see Brooke’s face, but she knows she’s smiling too.

And suddenly, a little sentence appears in Vanessa’s head, three very small and simple words that she’s not thought about in a long time but just make sense in that moment. She looks up at Brooke, meets her gaze and feels her heart thump.

Maybe she can save that for another day.

[adsosfraser]

The Stone’s Toll Chapter Two

Read on AO3

“Mrs. Randall, ye have a visitor.” Claire stared at the nurse, curiosity plain on her face. 

 She left and softly closed the door behind her. Minutes later, Claire heard the click of the lock again and strained her neck towards the noise. 

 Graham smiled sheepishly as he shuffled into her room. He held a small bouquet of heather, thistles, and gorse wrapped in twine. 

 “Hello miss, tis lovely tae see ye again. I picked these just this afternoon on my way here. I was lucky they were all so close together.” The boy searched the room and put the flowers in the empty vase on the table to her right. “I don’t know if ye remember, but I found you up at the standing stones. Well my mam always said to watch out for the faerie hill but I was a wee bit curious ye ken. I’m glad I took a wander over because… sorry miss my mam always tells me how I go blethering on about nonsense and such so that’s just to say I hope you are feeling better miss..?” 

 “Claire Fr.. err Randall.” Claire couldn’t help the smile at the young man's youth and almost naïveté, it was a breath of fresh air compared to the ordeals of the past months.

 She reached out her hand for him to shake. 

 “It was very kind of you to come visit Graham. Thank you.” He blushed at her compliment.

 “Well I brought some cards because I ken how boring it is to be locked up in one of these rooms. And the radio is a pounding nuisance sometimes as well. Last year I stumbled on one of the fence posts I was putting up when I was helping down at auld Hamish’s. The nail went straight through the leg and I ended up here a day. Mam was absolutely furious at me, boxed my ears till they rang for weeks. My mam’s a nurse here so it’s no trouble at all that I’m here right now visiting. I guess I get special insider privileges. I come here after school to do my schoolwork and she says I’m no bother. That’s what I was just doing before I decided to pop in here Miss.”

 Claire welcomed the ramblings of Graham. It was a nice distraction to the morbid thoughts that lay festering below.

 “Well I appreciate the company. My… husband just left to prepare things for our short stay here. I’m sorry I’m rubbish at most card games, but I’ll go my hand at it.” 

 The two chatted companionably and he even managed to pry out a laugh or two from her. Claire pushed down feelings of familiarity of Fergus and the boy before her. He couldn’t have been more than a couple years older than the boy she had just left behind hours ago, with the same long-lashed dark eyes and dark hair. Tears sprung at the thought of her son and she turned out of view to wipe them away. 

 “Do you have any fours?” Graham interrupted her thoughts. 

 “Ach! It feels like I’m being cheated here.” Claire flashed a smile and pushed forward the two cards on the table between them.

 “Hello darling. It seems you’ve made a new friend.”

 Claire stiffened at her husband's entrance into the small hospital room. Graham flicked his gaze between the two of them, sensing the tension. He awkwardly picked up the game in front of them and shoved the cards into his pocket.  

 “Yes. This is Graham Munro, the one who helped me to the hospital.”

 “Thank you for bringing my wife safely back into my custody Graham. I’m sure she has lots to tell me, and would appreciate time to rest.”

 Graham cleared his throat. “Well Miss Claire, I wish ye a speedy recovery. Twas a pleasure to meet ye.” 

 “You as well Graham. Thank you for the flowers.”

 The boy reached out to squeeze Claire’s hand and smiled warmly. He turned on his heel and raced out to the corridor. 

 Moments later, Frank shoved the table to the side and knelt by his wife’s side. He reached out to hold the hands that rested on her lap. Claire flinched at his touch once again and Frank furrowed his brow. Frank felt a squeeze in his hand and smiled up at her. She put on a strained smile as she stared down at him. He finally noticed the silver that encircled her right ring finger and made to take it off. She pulled her hand violently from his grasp and guarded the jewellry to her chest. He pushed off the reaction to the shock the doctor had described. He just needed to be patient. 

 “Darling, everything is prepared at the manse for our arrival. You’ll rest here tonight, recover, heal, and then I’ll bring you over in the morning. I left your suitcase there and I’m sure you’ll have enough to get you through our stay.” He walked over to a chair near the window while he spoke and placed her stays in his hands. 

 “Alright.” Her gaze was transfixed on her fingers in her lap. 

 “This is… remarkable Claire, where on earth did you find these?” 

 “Hmph.” Claire offered as a reply, almost mimicking the Scottish noise her husband always made.

 “Right I’m to leave with Reverend Wakefield to visit over some archives again. You’ll be in good hands here for now.” 

 A nurse wheeled in a cart and instructed Claire to rest. She gathered the sterile bandages from the metal tray and pulled back the cover of Claire’s hospital gown to display the burns flicking across the cream skin of her stomach. She winced as the nurse applied the salve against her sore skin so she took pity on her poor patient. The nurse pushed a syringe into her IV line and Claire’s limbs instantly relaxed. Her head filled with cotton and she wasn’t able to hold it up herself, until she let go of the tension within herself and slumped down on the stiff mattress. 

 It was cold and she was only in her shift, a white shawl draped across her shoulders. Piles of men dotted the ground and a bunny twitched its nose at her before sprinting away. There, underneath the corpse of his enemy, lay her husband. His body was covered in blood and crusted with dirt and deep scratches marked his body: the result of war. 

 “Are you alive?” She stretched her hand out towards his cheek.  

 Her hand cupped his stumbled jaw and his skin blazed against hers. The fever shook his body and sapped his energy. What little he had left was spent twisting his neck in her direction. A light dusting of snow covered the bloody grass of the moor. All too soon, she was pulled away and the sight of him faded from her grasp. 

***

The hours passed and the logs burned to small sticks, Frank replacing them every so often with new wood. He turned towards the table that held a half-empty glass, plying himself more and more with alcohol as the glass drowned in the weight of the drink. Claire worked tirelessly the precious few days where her husband hadn’t yet pressed her for an explanation, flipping through all available resources to find any trace of Jamie. Mrs. Graham had been a wonder in helping Claire but her attitude regardless would not have changed anything. The search was futile and failed to bring what she wanted. She couldn’t look for the family that was alive that she had left behind. The sacrifice and promise she made meant nothing with the outcome that soon became her every thought. She abandoned them all for a thought of a future, not even a live, breathing one.

 She spoke of her time with Jamie, reluctantly giving only the necessary pieces of her life, an outline that she would be able to view events from outside. She stepped out of her life and watched herself ramble on, an outsider and onlooker to a tragic event. That wasn’t her, those things couldn’t have happened to her. Claire finished her final thoughts in a daze, looking anywhere but Frank. 

 “Give me-excuse me please Claire I need some time to think this over.”

 Claire poured another glass for herself and slammed the burning liquid back along with a large pill from the hospital.

 Frank returned a few hours later, having thought in great depth. Claire’s thoughts were muddled. She couldn’t remember how many glasses she had.

 “Claire I can accept that you’ve had this… relationship with this man. I will never understand your feelings for him, but I can accept that you had this experience, and that leaving him broke your heart.” 

 “I don’t think you understand. I was with a man for two years, and I loved him deeply as his wife.” 

 “A point you’ve made several times and which I’ve said I understand. Now let me tell you this. I love you Claire, unconditionally, nothing you could do could stop my loving you.” 

 “Darling I’ve been offered a position at Harvard. I was thinking we could move to Boston together. Start over. Leave all...this behind.”

 She didn’t care. He was dead. She might as well have been too. Frank could do as he bloody well pleased. Her mind focused on the patterns of the carpet below her, forcing out any other thoughts. Her finger swirled in spirals in one spot on her thigh, mimicking what she saw.

 “Alright. ” 

 That was the first time Claire had looked into his eyes since her disappearance. His brown eyes were soft and crinkled in an attempt towards a smile to his wife. She couldn’t find the malice she desperately searched for. She needed the anger, the sharp coldness. It was too much. Frank kneeled at Claire’s feet and he reached to pull her down into his embrace. He brought her down to his chest. She stiffened. 

 “Claire, you've made me so happy. I know we’ll be happy. Together.” 

 “T-together? You mean for me to come along?” 

 “Of course, darling. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

 Claire only nodded in response. She knew she’d never be happy with Frank anymore, or anyone for that matter. She didn’t intend to live long, but what option did she have to resist a husband? Frank kissed her curls and pulled her head to his shoulder. He sniffled and pulled back, placing both hands gently on her face. 

 “But we must put the past behind us. You must promise me. No more searching for him. Let him go.”

 “Yes. That’s what he made me promise.” She was reminded of another promise she had broken and another pang stabbed her already distressed heart.

[abcd-adventures]

Do you think B will grow up being like C? Does C help take care of B?

Hmmm, there’s not really any way of knowing that, you know? I don’t really place any expectations on my children as far as who they will be as individuals. I do hope that B feels comfortable being his own person like C does--that’s essentially the ultimate goal for me for my children. I want my children to be comfortable with who they are. I want them to be confident and at peace, and I want them to be happy. Of course, I also want--and make clear that I expect--them to be good people; I fully feel the responsibility of raising white, privileged, upper-middle-class boys. I want them to truly understand intersectionality and to have respect for the fact that everyone experiences the world differently and it is necessary to listen and be patient, compassionate, and supportive. I want them to have respect for and value the natural world. And, of course I want all the basic parental things: no dangerous addictive drugs; if you experiment (with the non-terrifying kind), be honest and knowledgeable going in and be mindful of your limits; truly understand consent and treat all partners with honor and respect; finish high school without giving me too many extra grey hairs. You know, the usual! ;)

We had to have some conversations initially with C about helping out with B. I by no means expect him to be a third parent, but being a big brother does involve helping out some. For example, if he sees me struggling to make dinner with B clinging to my legs; I expect C to voluntarily come and distract B--the dinner is for him, too, and he can do his part, etc. C has done really great with that since we’ve talked. I’m not going to pretend he never gives me an eye roll now and then, but he’s a teenager, so I ignore it. ;) We’ve found a lovely balance now, fifteen months in, and if we hit any rough patches again, we’ll talk them through. My husband and C are both absolutely wonderful about truly listening and responding to what I need. <3 

[londonspirit]

Occasionally, Dan Levy will pick up his phone and send a text: “Can you believe it?” These messages are sent to Annie Murphy or Noah Reid or Emily Hampshire or Karen Robinson, former inhabitants of Schitt’s Creek, titular town of the series Levy co-created with his identically-browed father, Eugene. What Levy can’t quite believe is that a CBC and Pop network show that aired in the U.S. after reruns of The Young and the Restless became a no-shit international phenomenon and won every major 2020 comedy Emmy from Outstanding Series to Outstanding Contemporary Costumes, plus awards for the show’s four main cast members: Levy, Levy the elder, Murphy, and Catherine O’Hara.

Not that Levy has any qualms about the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Or, more accurately, the best thing he’s ever made happen: In addition to creating, writing, and starring as skeptical scion David Rose on Schitt's Creek, Levy occasionally directed episodes and sourced many of the award-winning costumes. But the endless wretchedness of 2020 is perhaps an inopportune time to publicly garner good fortune.

“What this year has done has opened so many people's eyes to so much of the social unrest that is happening in America and really forced people to learn more,” Levy says, sitting in the bland Toronto apartment the 37-year-old is temporarily renting until he can head back to LA. “Read more. Educate themselves more. Check their privilege more. And yet…” Levy’s magnificent eyebrows unfold from a furrow of probity to an arch of delight, and his mouth into a crooked tilde of a smile. “There are moments when I think it is important for your sense of self to also be OK to say, ‘Something good happened to me this year, and I worked really hard for it.’ And so did a group of really talented people that I love. You're kind of caught in this place where only you can talk about it amongst yourselves.” Levy’s conversations with his co-stars are couched in language familiar to anyone who doesn’t want to give off the vibe of an Instagram caption on a pandemic birthday trip to a private island: "Well, obviously, you know, this is not of much significance" compared to everything else that’s going on. Still, Levy has to acknowledge that, yes, a good thing did happen; after all, he says, “You're talking about breaking records at the Emmys!”

Since he began social distancing, Levy has engaged in something like a fame-offset program, matching his good fortune by taking, publicizing, and raising money for University of Alberta’s online Indigenous Canada course. Levy’s queasiness about his success happening with a 2020 backdrop seems to stem from goodness so pervasive he’s caught himself thinking, Am I going to seem too, like, sincere? (When I ask if he believes he’s a good person, Levy frets, “Is being a good person something you can proclaim? Or is being a good person something that someone has to observe about you?”)

And Schitt’s Creek itself is an oasis of kindness — it doesn’t seem coincidental that after a slow five-season ascent, the show’s viewership exploded in its final year as we quarantined with our own bad thoughts. Levy has said that the arc of the Rose family — a “Balenciaga” to “consignment Balenciaga” to “back to current season Balenciaga” story — is based on the question, “Would the Kardashians still be the Kardashians without their money?” To Levy, the answer is obvious: Yes, and they would be better for it because, he says, “There is a love to that family.” So of course when the Roses lose the fortune amassed from a video rental empire and are forced to move to a Canadian town purchased as a novelty gift, they learn what truly matters.

Levy’s father and collaborator, Eugene, who co-wrote Christopher Guest films Best In Show and A Mighty Wind, says, “There are people who work in the world of comedy where they like to push envelopes in terms of what they can get away with, but that may come at the expense of other people. If it's at all important to you to avoid then you, you know, avoid it.” With the notable exception of programs like The Great British Bake Off — Levy, naturally, used to host the Canadian iteration — it is quite a bit more difficult to be entertaining and kind than entertaining and cruel. But Dan Levy attributes some of Schitt’s Creek’s success to what he calls “a purity to the storytelling and the show that caught people off guard because it was so unexpectedly sincere.” “There was something badass about the fact that it didn't have the kind of edge that people had often equated with cable comedies,” he says.

Making Schitt’s Creek a source of goodness and light was an unrelenting crush for Levy. “How much anger and rage do I have to repress in order to get the light out?” he says, laughing and stroking his elderly dog, Redmond, so vigorously I worry about ginger fur getting on Levy’s David Rose-appropriate black and white JW Anderson T-shirt. “Um, at times a lot.”

When Levy was working on Schitt’s Creek, he was picked up every morning at 5 a.m. and driven to set, where he would rehearse and rewrite scenes. Next was making decisions about sets and wardrobe fittings for cast members like O’Hara. Moira Rose, the actor mother of Levy’s character with a grandeur as flamboyant as her choice of syllable emphasis, might have to go to meet someone who makes her feel exposed. Levy would supervise an outfit selection that functioned as a billboard for her emotional state. “How do you express vulnerability?” Levy asks. “Well, you put more clothes on, and more aggressive clothes on, so as to armor yourself.” Levy needed to approve budgets, which didn’t increase even as the show gained more attention. He would act and sometimes direct, and then be back in wardrobe picking out the right statement necklaces for O’Hara to wear to buy a used car.

After filming ended, Levy went to the writers’ room to work for a couple more hours. He’d get home at 8 p.m., quickly eat dinner, and write until 2 a.m. on some nights. Then he’d sleep for two hours and get in the car to go back to work at 5 a.m. When shooting wrapped for the year, Levy went into post-production, spending months in windowless rooms. Once a season was finally completed, preparation would begin for the next one. Levy charged himself with making sure every detail connected to each other and tracked with the personal histories he and Eugene had written for each character before the series began. Eugene can remember only one deviation from those bios during the entire run of the show. Originally, the father of motel employee Stevie had been a roadie for Fleetwood Mac before receiving a restraining order from the band; the detail was later transferred to the father of diner waitress Twyla, who was played by Levy’s sister, Sarah. Several times during the run of the series, Levy developed anxiety so literally paralyzing that his neck would seize up, forcing him to wear a brace and receive chiropractic treatments between scenes.

“Through every phase of Schitt's Creek,” Eugene says, “Dan had a very strong sense as to what it was he wanted the show to look like and what he wanted it to sound like and what the tone of the show was going to be and what the message of the show would be. He certainly makes himself responsible to make these things happen. He doesn't go with the flow at all.”

Total control let Levy create a perfectly realized world, from the menu size in the Café Tropical to the caws in Moira’s comeback film The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening. But it’s perhaps not the healthiest arrangement when the confines of quarantine feel normal to you. “Over the past six years,” Levy says, “I really haven't been outside that much.”

When he was a boy, Levy became so anxious that he did not want to attend birthday parties. He did not want to go to summer camp. He did not, in fact, want to engage in any social situations. Levy’s anxiety physically manifested as iritis, an inflammation of the eye which doctors feared would eventually take his vision. It was as if the anxiety that drove Levy indoors had then decided to draw all the curtains.

“I think that came from a deep-rooted fear of knowing that I was gay and not being able to be free,” Levy says now. “By the time I got to high school, when your brain is starting to catch up to your physical impulses, it led to a very confusing time. Because on the one hand, you are now being introduced to things like self-awareness and anxiety. At the same time, you’re becoming more and more savvy when it comes to hiding it.”

The escape was theater. Levy began writing, directing, and performing in school plays, including a student-run stage adaptation of Clue produced during a teacher’s strike. “I was starting to develop a sense of confidence by way of being able to entertain people,” Levy says. “It was like a decoy version of myself that I was putting out there to not have to live with the reality that when the bullying was happening — if someone was calling me a f----t or whatever it was — they were speaking the truth.” What a cursed blessing to discover you have a gift but to understand it as a distraction from who you really are and not as a true part of yourself. No wonder that Levy says of creating a persona — naturally, in the self-distancing second person — “Your sense of self gets chipped away. You lose sight of your own value.”

Levy had a ticker of fears scrolling through his mind broadcasting what might happen if people knew who he really was: “Fear of being ridiculed. Fear of being othered. Fear of exposing something that I think a lot of high school students at the time didn't have the tools to process properly, to make it comfortable for me.”

Then, when he was 18, Levy came out. Actually, his mother, Deborah Divine, invited Levy to come out, over lunch. Levy accepted, and was accepted in return. It was one version of an inflection point that Levy has explored in some of his most impactful work. In Happiest Season, Hulu’s lesbian Christmas rom-com, Levy delivers the film’s high point in a monologue; filmmaker Clea DuVall tells me, “I cried during every take.”

“Everybody’s story is different,” Levy’s John says to Kristen Stewart’s Abby, who is planning to propose to a woman whose family doesn’t know she’s queer. “But the one thing that all of those stories have in common is that moment right before you say those words, when your heart is racing and you don’t know what’s coming next,” John goes on. “That moment’s really terrifying. And then once you say those words, you can’t unsay them. A chapter has ended and a new one’s begun, and you have to be ready for that.”

On the Schitt’s Creek episode “Meet the Parents,” David’s future in-laws discover their son Patrick is gay before he can come out to them. “Did we do something wrong, David?” Patrick’s father asks, inadvertently head-faking homophobia before saying, “The thought that Patrick was feeling like he couldn't come and talk to us about this…”

Obviously not everyone who comes out gets the response they’re hoping for. But like Patrick, Levy had a happy ending sitting in front of him: accepting and caring parents wondering when their son was going to tell them he was gay and trying to respect his timeline for doing so. When I ask Eugene if it’s painful knowing that he could have potentially alleviated the anxiety Levy was feeling by approaching him sooner, he concurs. “I would have done things so much differently, you know?” Eugene says slowly. “I would have gotten more involved in talking about what was going on.” But he doesn’t know that it would have changed anything — after all, the flow goes with Levy. “Not necessarily that we would have gotten any direct answers,” Eugene says. “You can only get back what you get back.” (Levy confirms he was not ready to discuss his sexuality before he was; despite his parents’ openness and love, he had created Schrödinger’s Eugene and Deb in his head, simultaneously welcoming him and rejecting him at the news.)

Newly out, Levy went to college and began dating. However, he says, “I was not in any place to be of great value in a relationship.” Like David Rose, Levy’s pitch tends to ascend on the back half of sentences, making him sound like he’s interrogating his own thought process. “You then get into these habits where you're dating people who are totally wrong for you because they're seeking out people who are a bit damaged,” Levy says, “and you're seeking out people who have one foot out the door so that you don't actually give yourself over in any kind of way.” (After I mention that while watching Happiest Season, I wanted Stewart’s character to dump her semi-emotionally damaging girlfriend and leave with Levy, he says, “In this conversation, I'm brought back to many a relationship [where] ‘RUN’ was just, like, the subtitle flashing for about a year and a half of my life.”)

Dating, then, became another way to keep people out. “I really got to a point where I felt like if I didn't make an active choice to pull myself out of this shell that was becoming such a comfort,” Levy says, “I would not be the adult that I want to be.” He spent a summer in England, answering phones at the ICM talent agency as exposure therapy for speaking, unscripted, to strangers. A month and a half later, he auditioned to be a host on MTV Canada. Levy says it was “the ultimate exercise in pushing myself and getting myself out there. If I could get a job on television asking other people questions — which had previously been on the top five things that I would never want to do — this could be the final kind of exercise in changing myself for the better.”

Like Levy’s high school theater work, his success as a host was a gnarled little monkey’s paw of unfortunate wish fulfillment. He was charismatic on screen and became famous enough to travel to New York on the weekends and get into the clubs he wanted to get into. Levy also pioneered the now-prevalent televised after-show with his The Hills discussion series, which exists in the same tonal universe as Schitt’s Creek: sharp enough to make you feel smart for laughing at it, but warm enough that Lauren Conrad herself was a guest.

But much of the work felt limiting. The questions he had to ask celebrities were pre-negotiated with publicists and written by producers — as Levy notes, “No one wants to sit down with someone from MTV Canada and have a revelatory chat about life.” One of his last appearances before quitting was the MTV Movie Awards red carpet. “You could see a kind of judgment in the people you're interviewing,” he says. “They're not rolling their eyes, but you can feel them thinking about rolling their eyes. And I know that a lot of the times they were questions I didn't necessarily want to be asked if I were in that situation.” Pretending to be the version of himself he thought people would accept, Levy says, “kind of just didn't feel worth it anymore.”

You know the next part. Levy realized he could keep the traits people had responded to when he performed — his charisma, his humor — add sincerity, and still be compelling. He spent half a decade grinding out something that was truly of himself. And through Schitt’s Creek Levy became, his father points out, “one of the top showrunners in the entertainment business right now.” Eugene says, “After the [Emmys] broadcast I think there were probably some executives who — if they even remember us going in to pitch the show — are probably kicking themselves.”

Based on what he does next, Levy is now in the unique position of being able to calibrate how famous he becomes. It’s evening in Toronto, and Levy mulls the question over what simply cannot be good wine; when I ask what kind it is, he says, “Red?” Levy knows he could choose to stay behind the scenes and work on the ABC Studios projects he has in development. But Levy is also in the early stages of a romantic comedy he would star in. He worries that he wouldn’t be able to handle uber-fame with the aplomb his co-star Kristen Stewart does. When they went out to a dive bar while filming in Pittsburgh, he says, “I was just so kind of in awe of her confidence and comfort in herself. She's so at ease — [I say that] as someone who I think will always be on their journey to have that for myself.”

“Dan’s assessment is actually incorrect,” Stewart says later. “But what I have done is try to keep that experience [of fame] fairly insular, not make other people I’m with take on the weight of my own self-consciousness — or, God forbid, have someone think I’m up my own ass and loving the attention. It’s easier for me to pretend [people noticing me] is not happening, even though on the inside I still feel like the world is a big school yard of giggling onlookers. Are they laughing at me? Yes, no… Who cares.”

If Levy ever does find himself in the position of being Stewart-famous, she thinks he’ll be fine. “What I did notice was how absolutely wonderful Dan is with everyone,” she says. “He is so loving and gracious towards people that recognize him. The positive force he puts out into the world is clearly reflected in how people come back at him.”

What Levy is putting out into the world next: “I would like to date more,” he says, shoulders bashfully rising ceilingward. “Circumstance plays such a huge part in what we accept for ourselves. When you're doing something that you love it’s like, ‘I have a full plate.’ Even though [Schitt’s Creek was] super intense and even though at times I need a neck brace, it was never not inspiring, and it was never not thrilling and exciting and totally satisfying. So to [want to] make space for someone else…in a way, it is the ultimate filter. You’re basically saying, do I want to carve out the space in an already full and fulfilled life for this person? And a lot of the time, the answer is no. But it only makes it that much better when the right person comes along.”

For now, Levy’s plate is full of his multiple simultaneous projects. (He says there are more than three but few enough that you could count them on both hands, though he doesn’t want to talk about them in detail until there’s actually something to talk about — if Levy follows the Schitt’s Creek model, he jokes, he’ll “get five seasons on television before anybody sees them.”) Before he begins writing, Levy must make sure his entire house is immaculate. Even today, months after the series finale of Schitt’s Creek aired, Levy is negotiating the length of the “fuck”-blocking bleeps of syndication. But as we have all learned this year, not everything is under our control, even if we are Dan Levy. Stewart remembers him panicking as he tried to decorate a new home and realized none of the furniture he bought made any sense together. “The idea of him left and right showrunning and developing and acting and writing — and then his sweater closet confounding him — was very cute,” she says.

A certain amount of acceptance will be useful as Levy figures out how to follow up a beloved hit show. “The goal was to make sure that the first season was exactly what we wanted it to be,” Levy says of his Schitt’s Creek thought process. “To use the resources that we have as best as we can to get that season out there, so that we can go to sleep at night knowing that if people don't respond to it and it gets pulled off the air, there was nothing more we could have done.” Levy leans forward with a sincerity he’d surely second-guess if he were writing this scene and explains the daunting task of living up to yourself. “That’s the goal of anything I'm gonna do from here on out. It's just, try and do the best job you can. Try to make sure that you're loving it.”

[theunderdogwrites]

2020: The Year I Lost My Ass

Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.

2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.

I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.

Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:

- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.

 - People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

 “Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’

 Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.

 More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.

 As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.

 - Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.

I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.

 I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.

 There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.

 I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.

 As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.

 When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?

 For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.

When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.

To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.

People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.

Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.

The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.

It was a year of gained focus.

It was a year of gained appreciation.

It was a year of gained gratitude.

It was a year of gained love for myself.

 I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:

In A World Possessed by The Human Mind

Just give me the news

It can all be lies

Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time

Everything is clear

Just how you described

The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"

 Then I think I smiled

Then I think you said, "it's fine"

And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 We're in awe of no one

We've none of their fear

Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here

Where everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"

 Then I hope I smiled

Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"

They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes

Oh, but it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

 Then I hope I laughed

Then I hope I said, "it's fine"

And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Oh it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0

[plugloveff]

Chapter 8

Aria: 

“Where are they? Party started like an hour ago” I asked looking down at my Rolex.

It was Chanel’s 25th birthday and her party was in full swing. However the birthday girl was nowhere to be found.

“I just texted Meek, he said they’re on their way now.” Cassidy said looking down at her phone.

“Seriously how does this girl take so long to get ready all of the time?” I asked shaking my head.

“Baby relax, she’ll be here soon. Come have a drink with me” Dre said taking my hand and walking to the bar.

Sighing I leaned against the bar scanning the drink menu. Dre wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. With him being so wrapped around me I could finally feel my body starting to relax.

“What can I get you?” The bartender asked.

“Can I get a #95” I said pointing at the custom drink menu we’d created for her birthday.

“And you sir?“

“I’ll have the same” Dre said. Watching as the bartender went to work on making our drinks I looked down at my watch again and Dre nipped at my shoulder.

“Ow, what’d you do that for?” I asked.

“Stop looking at your watch, they’re coming. You guys did great this place looks amazing. You need to relax, you’ve been going crazy for the past couple days about this” he said.

“I know, I just want her to enjoy herself, this is the first time since we’ve met that she hasn’t had a huge party or went on vacation. I just want her to know that we appreciate her and we want to celebrate this big milestone” I said.

“Your sweet, you know that?“

Smiling I nodded my head, "I know."

Planting a soft kiss on my shoulder, he stood up straight just as the bartender handed us our drinks.

"Thank you” I said picking up my glass and taking a sip.

Turning around to face Dre, I smiled at him as dark brown eyes bore into mine. Andre was like no man I’d ever experienced in my life. He was stern, but gentle. He had never handled me with anything other than care. His guard was always up, he didn’t allow much people to see who he really was expect for the people he kept close. And to have the privilege to get close to him meant he cared about you. He’d shown me more love in the last three months than I’d received in the past 25 years.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing, I just don’t know what I’d do without you” I said.

“Aww, you going soft on me?” he asked mockingly.

“Only for you” I said standing on my tippy toes and giving him a kiss on the lips.

“Umm, I like the sound of that” he said gripping my waist.

“Come on before you try and do something nasty” I said taking his hand.

“Nah I’ll behave, but when I get you home it’s a wrap” he whispered in my ear causing a jolt of electricity to course though my body. I felt the pulse between my legs and my thighs clenched in response. The smirk on Dre’s face told me he’d noticed the effect he’d had on me.

“Don’t” I said groaning and dragging him back to where our friends were sitting.

“Cass, is Cash coming?” Stephanie asked.

“Why you asking me? I’m not his keeper” she replied looking down at her phone.

“Bitch please, you gone act like you not texting his ass right now?” Steph asked.

“Oh you fucking with Cash Cassidy? I'm about to start calling you C-money ” Wayne said blowing the smoke the blunt he was smoking out of his mouth.

“Oh my gosh, no I’m not fucking with him” Cassidy replied, but the crack in her voice told us other wise.

“Ummhm, we can just ask him now since he just walked in"

"What?” Cassidy asked her eyes flew up from her phone and looked around.

We all bust out laughing. “Umm, but you not checking for him right?” Steph asked

Cassidy flipped her off and went back to scrolling through her phone.

Pulling up a chair Dre sat and pulled me onto his lap. “I hope y'all getting ready for our Christmas trip” I said.

“Hell yeah, I can’t wait. It’s going to be so dope” Steph said.

“Where we going again?” Dre asked.

“Aspen baby. So you better make sure you got some warm clothes” I said.

“We live in Miami, where the fuck am I supposed to find snow gear out here” Wayne asked.

“It’s called online shopping Dwayne” Stephanie replied.

“What I told you about calling me that?"

"It’s your name nigga” Steph stated matter of factly.

"Only my mother call me that shit" he said.

"Wasn't you calling me mommy last night?"

"Honestly do you guys stop?" Cassidy asked in disgust.

Before Wayne could answer with a smart comment. The DJ was on the mic; “The guest of honor has finally arrived. On the count of three I want everyone to wish Chanel a happy birthday." He announced.

We all turned our attention to the door.

"One.. Two.. Three"

"Happy Birthday Chanel” we all screamed as Chanel and Meek walked out hand in hand. They looked like they belonged on the cover of a magazine. Chanel wore a Dior swimsuit and a white knit skirt and matching Dior sandals. Her hair fell in loose curls down her back and her face was made up to perfection. Meek wore Dior trunks that matched Chanel’s swimsuit with white Dior sneakers and a white t-shirt.

Walking over to us Chanel flashed us a million dollar smile. “Oh my gosh, you guys this looks amazing” she said looking around the backyard.

The backyard was decorated with White and Purple balloons. There was a Taco truck, a Hibachi station, a Sweets table and a fully stocked bar. Meek also insisted we had a tent for a dispensary so everyone had enough weed for the entire night. The guest list was small but there was no expense spared for her big day.

“Well you know we had to go big for your 25th” I said giving her a hug.

“Happy Birthday Coco” Steph said giving her a hug.

“Thank you guys this is amazing. Y'all about to make me cry” she said giving the rest of the group a hug.

“Nah, you did enough of that already” Meek said.

“Chanel you were crying? On your birthday ?” I asked.

“It’s his fault, he’s been spoiling me all week” she said pointing at Meek.

“Because that’s his job” Cassidy said.

“Thank you sis. Please tell her ass again for me” he said.

Laughing Chanel shook her head and pouted. “Honestly you guy’s I love y'all so much” she said.

“We love your ass too Coco, now enough of all this sentimental shit. It’s time to get lit. It’s your birthday I’m getting your ass fucked up tonight” Wayne said.

Cassidy: 

"I’ll be right back, I have to get something from my car” I said getting up from my chair and stumbling into the house.

I was on my sixth shot of 1942 thanks to Wayne and I was starting to feel the effects of it.

Grabbing my car keys I walked out of the house and onto the driveway. Opening my trunk I pulled out the two gift bags I left and closed the trunk. When I felt a pair of hands on my waist.

“Who the fuc-” I started to say when I turned around and saw him standing in front of me.

“Damn you expecting someone else?” Cash asked looking down at me.

Smiling I shook my head no. “You just can’t be sneaking up on me like that” I said.

“My bad, I forgot I’m dealing with a gangster” he said smirking.

“Exactly, you could’ve gotten yourself hurt” I said.

“Ummhmm, I bet."

I watched as his tongue came out wetting his top lip. My thighs clenched thinking about how good his tongue would feel between them. I groaned in frustration, because the thought alone had my body hot. I felt like a little caesar’s pizza hot and ready just for Cash.

"What’s going on in that pretty little head of your’s?” he asked me placing a hand on my car trapping me.

“Umm, nothing” I said.

“You sure? Because the way your clenching your thigh’s together and the way your hearts pounding tells me otherwise"

"I’m just hot” I said.

“Umm, I can see that” he said tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with his free hand. His thumb grazed my cheek and I shivered at the contact.

“You know I’ve been thinking about you everyday since the last time I saw you?” he said.

“Have you now?"

"Ummhmm, that’s why I been blowing up your phone everyday. I don’t usually chase a girl but you. Ms Cassidy I can’t help myself.”

“Why is that” I asked looking up at him.

“I’m not sure but you’re doing something to a nigga” he said lowering his face so that we were eye level. He was so close, too close I could feel the heat of his breath on my face. Our lips were touching as he spoke to me, my body felt like I was on fire.

I wasn’t sure if it was the liquor or the fact that I hadn’t had sex in months. But I couldn’t take it anymore, dropping the gift bags I grabbed his shirt and pulled him into me pressing my lips against his. Cash groaned as he pushed me against the trunk, he pressed his dick against me and I moaned against his lips.

When he broke the kiss, I was breathless. I’d never had a kiss that made me feel like I was weightless.

“What are you doing to me Cassidy?” he asked looking down at me.

“I was just going to ask you the same question” I said.

Cash stared down at me, and I could see the heat in his hazel eyes. He wanted me and god I wanted him so badly. Feeling my phone vibrating in my pocket I looked away from him and pulled it out. It was a message from Chris.

Chris: Hey babe I hope you’re having fun, tell Chanel I said Happy birthday and I’ll see you tonight when you get home I Love you.

Quickly closing the message I looked back up and Cash was watching my every move.

“Umm, we should get back to the party"

Cash glared about me, "I hope you know I’m not letting up on you lil mama. I’m applying heavy pressure”

“Actions speak louder than words” I said.

“I don’t have nothing if I don’t have my word lil mama"

Nodding I reached for the gift bags but Cash got to them before me. "Lead the way gorgeous.”  

Walking back into the backyard I could feel Cash’s eyes on me the entire time I walked.

“Aye my boy” Meek said walking up to Cash and embracing him.

“Wassup G” Cash said.

“Cassie, you had to get his ass? He too good to enter alone?"

"Nah, I ran into him when I was getting some gifts out of my car. I didn’t even think he was coming"

"You knew I wouldn’t miss a party especially not one when you’re going to be there” he said looking down at me.

I blushed and Meek smirked at the two of us. “Parties starting to wind down so it’ll just be us soon”

“Cash, you made it” Stephanie said with a smirk on her face. Groaning I rolled my eyes and took a seat.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Happy birthday Coco” Cash said giving Chanel a hug and handing her an envelope. It was so stuffed that it barely closed. A stack of hundreds peeked out.

“Thank you Cash, you really didn’t have too” she said.

“Aye you family now, we always take care of family” he said nodding at Meek who nodded his head in agreement.

After greeting the rest of the crew he came next to me and tapped my leg, motioning for me to stand up. When I did he took my seat and pulled me onto his lap. “Much better” he said in my ear and I smirked as I felt Chanel, Aria and Steph’s eyes watching our every move.

I knew I was playing with fire, I had two men in my life but there was only one that I wanted. I had to get rid of Chris and quick, before this got ugly.

Ahmeek:

"Ok, I’m exhausted and I’m way to drunk to drive home” Cassidy said laying down on the couch.

“I think we’re all too drunk to move, there is more than enough space in this house. You guy’s can just stay here” Chanel said sitting up.

“You sure?” Aria asked.

“Yeah we have seven bedrooms, me and Meek only need one” she said.

“Shit you don’t have to tell me twice” Wayne said picking up a sleeping Stephanie and walking up the stairs.

“Yeah, Dre we should head to bed to” Aria said.

“Umhm but I’m taking the room two doors away from them” he said.

“The bedrooms are soundproof” I said.

“Oh word?” Dre asked looking at Aria.

“Andre, let’s go” Aria said as Dre smirked walking up the stairs.

“Alright, I’m exhausted and very drunk. The room feel’s like it’s spinning so I should go to bed. I’m sure you guy’s can find yourself to your room” Chanel said getting up from the couch. "Baby don't take forever coming to bed" she said giving me a kiss before walking up the stairs.

“I’m going to head up too” Cassidy said following Chanel up the stairs. Leaving Cash and I alone; “So Cassie huh?” I asked.

Cash, sighed and ran a hand down his waves. “What you want me to say? I fuck with her I can’t change that” he said.

I scuffed knowing the exact feeling, them Wright girls were a different breed. Once they hooked you were hooked forever. I knew first hand how deep that hook was, the thing’s I’d do for Chanel Wright was insane.

“You know she has a boyfriend right?"

Cash, sucked his teeth "That nigga, can become a distant memory. If it ever comes to it, but I’m not worried about him. He’s just a place holder”

Laughing I shook my head and leaned over resting my elbows on my knees. “Just be careful with that” I said.

“Always G” he said standing and patting my shoulder before jogging up the stairs to bed.

Walking into the kitchen, I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and headed upstairs to my own bed.

When I walked into our bedroom, Chanel was spread across the bed. Stepping out of my clothes I removed my chain and watch and climbed into bed beside her.

Her eyes fluttered open, “I love you” she said curling into the side of my body.

“I love you too” I said kissing her forehead and falling asleep.