#with covid i attend service from my bed so i really feel this

[gay-jewish-bucky]

I asked you to pray in the synagogue of your city but if you cannot pray in the synagogue, pray outdoors in an open field; and if you cannot pray in the field, pray in the shelter of your home; and if you cannot pray in your home, pray in the dark on your bed; and if you cannot pray on your bed, meditate in your heart without words.

– Based on Midrash T’hilim on Psalm 4:9. 

[the-pen-and-the-stethoscope]

PGY-3

Okay! Here’s that previously hinted at update (month by month) of my third year of residency! Sorry not sorry it’s so long! 

July: Became a third year! Got to do a bunch of OB! GOT TO DO MY FIRST C-SECTION AS A PRIMARY! Applied to a million fellowships. Met a boy...

August: Whirlwind romance. That’s legit all I remember from this month. I know I was also on inpatient but that was kinda background noise to the personal growth I was going through (and it was growth...shout out to my fave podcast, Girls Gotta Eat!). 

September: Went to my best friend’s wedding and got blindsided by the boy breaking up with me (though I guess now I can say I’ve had a true summer fling) and did a bunch of fellowship interviews. And I’m sure I also went to work at some point... 

October: Peds ED month. Still hate the ED. Had my sister come visit for a weekend with an amazing fall themed photoshoot. By the end of the month I would say it had become clear that I wasn’t going to be getting any fellowships. It was really tough to feel like the one thing I’d been working on for the last three years wasn’t going to come to fruition. I cried a lot. I thought a lot about what to do instead. I talked with a lot of mentors about where to go from here. 

November: Applied for dream job. Literally the job that I feel that I have been working towards ever since I decided I wanted to do family medicine. And they were really excited about me!

December: Another inpatient month. Interviewed at dream job. Started to realize it may not be as good of a fit as I was hoping. Went home for Christmas. Worked NYE and delivered the first new years baby of 2022! 

January: Started looking at other possible jobs. Became increasingly frustrated day by day with the recruiter associated with dream job. Found a really random opportunity in the middle of nowhere in a state I never thought I’d move to that would teach me how to do c-sections. Went to interview there. FELL IN LOVE. New dream job. Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted over what to do. Also reconnected with old attending from med school and applied to work at his clinic as well. 

February: I ACCEPTED A JOB!!!!! After weeks of deliberation I went with NEW DREAM JOB IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE BECAUSE IT FELT RIGHT! In the end I’m going to do full spectrum family medicine in a rural town at a critical access hospital with mostly outpatient, some inpatient medicine and peds and a ton of OB and on top of it all I’m going to learn how to do c-sections. And also make a fuck ton of money. Like an insane amount. Like crazy bonkers amount. Like they def made a mistake but it’s too late now. 

March: Studied for boards and studied some more and shit hit the fan multiple times in terms of people calling out from work (at one point we had seven people out at once...we’d run out of people to cover things) and one time I got woken up at 1:30 am for one of these call out issues and after that I fled to Florida to...study some more! 

April: ugh. worst month ever. 

As a fun backdrop, I was on our inpatient service this month. We had some really really sick people and some very difficult people who kept leaving the hospital on us despite continuing to also keep coming back and some really sad people who literally had nowhere to go. 

The first weekend of the month my cat died. It was sudden and unexpected. I was (still am) completely torn up about it. She was my companion throughout all of COVID. Even though she was getting old, I still thought I’d be bringing her on my next adventure with me. Every time I open my apartment door and she isn’t there to great me I die a little inside. 

Less than twelve hours later...my residency best friend’s dad died. It was sudden and unexpected. She called me while I was still in bed listening to grand rounds on a Monday morning. Sobbing. The next week was a complete blur. Mostly the two of us just sitting in grief together. 

I took boards. (OH YEAH...in the middle of all this I was still studying for boards!) Once they were behind me I thought that everything would get better. I even had a vacation lined up the first week of May to fully decompress and relax.

Then I got COVID. Guys, I know it is hard to believe but I had not gotten COVID yet. Not even like an asymptomatic carrier. I tested weekly this winter and never had a positive result. When I saw the positive last weekend I broke down. I was terrified about how it would affect me, devastated about not being able to finish my month up with the team or go on my much much MUCH NEEDED vacation, guilty about maybe exposing others, and just feeling so terrible all around. In the end, it hasn’t been that bad physically, but mentally it has really been difficult. I feel even more scared about going out in the world (after being super cautious for so long and not even doing much of anything the week before and still getting COVID??? How could I ever go back to normal again?) and just unimaginable shame about actually getting sick. All stuff that I know is just not actually based in reality...but I feel it nonetheless. 

And soooo here we are! I cancelled my actual vacation and am now finishing up my quarantine at my parents house and then probably going to go to attending town (eek!) to look at houses (EEEK!) at the end of next week. Not all is lost. But it was a pretty shitty month. 

Oh...but I did pass boards :) 

[lioryaakov]

I've been having a truly difficult time getting into Shabbat this whole pandemic and I resent it because Shabbat used to be the highlight of the week for me.

I have ADHD and depression, and even with medication for both, it is VERY difficult for me to concentrate on services when I am not in the room.

And between the arson damage from this past October and COVID I don't know when I will be able to attend services in person again with my community. Yes I know I can read and study on my own without services and I've tried but it's really difficult to do with my concentration limits. So I don't do any work on Shabbat, but not working isn't nec the same as observance.

Mostly I lie in bed and stare at the walls and have no energy but hey that's also how i feel most days of the week and that's also why I don't update this blog with things I've read about Judaism as much as I used to because I have an entire stack of books on my shelf on Judaism and Jewish philosophy that I used to work through on Shabbat in addition to Torah study that I just don't anymore because I feel miserable and tired all the fucking time.

[daantaat]

twu s2 thoughts even though nobody asked <3 just a brain dump and it’s quite long so I tried to separate my commentary by categories but it’s still a mess unfortunately. Spoilers under the cut!

General

Overall, I enjoyed season 1 more than season 2. I’ve watched season 2 three times now, and I do think it had some good parts that I definitely overlooked during my first watch (probably because I was preoccupied with Charlotte x Shona 😶😅). My initial reaction to this season was like ‘hmm so that happened and I’m not sure what to think’ but then I rewatched it and tbh I think my complaints are mostly to do with the time jump between seasons and the pacing...

Like yeah there’s only so much to touch on in six 25-minute episodes but!!! I finished the season wanting a bit more, because I thought that some of the things that were introduced were either not explained fully/well or they just dropped off completely and didn’t really have an effect other than me asking questions after the season was over, like it felt as though there were missing scenes— more on that later (though maybe they will be addressed in season 3??? If there is one? How soon do shows get renewed? Idk). Though I guess the audience does have to do some interpretation of their own but still... Idk! Idk. And the assumption that certain events/plot points mentioned in a character’s dialogue would be enough for context had me kinda “:///” y’know? Like don’t tell me, show me?? I’d like the full course please!!

Charlotte x Shona (+ Vish I guess)

I think it was really jarring to see their relationship grow from colleague/business partners to friends and then finally to something more in season 1 only to see them awkwardly handle their unresolved feelings in the workplace with nothing to show for their actual relationship besides a mention of “a week-long gay safari” + the brief flashes of a sex scene that was intermingled with Shona and Vish’s cyber sex session, which in itself is 😐😐😐 like yes it shows that Shona still thinks about/fancies Charlotte in some capacity, but if I were to choose between that sex fantasy/flashback or a flashback of Charlotte and Shona together (like Charlotte telling Shona she was falling for her!!!!)... I think I’d choose the latter? I was just disappointed that we didn’t really get to see Charlotte and Shona being all cute and romantic with each other this season :(

ALSO I wished we got to see more of jealous!Shona; I was super hyped to see that since that scene was included in the trailer. It was nice to see her want the best for Charlotte because she’s “great” but the jealousy part of knowing Charlotte is dating someone great got settled pretty quickly and instead we got Shona evaluating her commitment to Vish and considering the idea of having kids after learning she has a womb of a 39-year-old (😐) and it felt.... like a lot!! It was definitely different from season 1 Shona (”I actually don’t want kids” “I genuinely, I genuinely don’t, you know, it’s not a big deal. Just never have” in 1x04) but if this was to show her dealing with comphet or internalized homophobia or just simply running away from her feelings then... idk what to think of it! I really don’t. I think this is where things could have been written differently because using an affair with Charlotte like that (an affair that we didn’t even get to see besides the stolen kisses at the finance event) was so... ugh, I’m suffering here

Anyway, I think their office scenes were definitely highlights of the season, like Indira and Sharon really gave those scenes their all!! Even though it hurts to see Charlotte so heartbroken and Shona running away from her feelings and hurting Charlotte in the process, I live for the angst lol. I will say though, the 180 that happened after their convo outside Charlotte’s office was a bit “🤔” considering Charlotte had talked to her therapist about Shona for 4 months. Like one hungover feeling dump from Shona and they can move on? Hmm communication is connection, huh. And I guess they were just excited that the article got good results? But how cute that they got each other gifts of their picture in the article??? Wtffff I love my “unfunny and obvious” gal pals even though I’m in pain

As for the voice note... omg, so many questions. Like did Charlotte try to reach out to Shona after she abruptly ended their call to check if she sent the voice note to Vish?? Was that gonna be the first time Charlotte heard Shona say “I love you” to her? What was the reason Shona said “I love you” anyway??? Is she, you know 👀 Also do y’all think Vish will listen to the entire voice note since it was clear it was meant for Charlotte? And who knows maybe Vish’s phone died and he can’t turn it back on or check his WhatsApp or whatever. I’m in denial lmao. But also I think he's a pretty good guy, like when he sent biscuits over to the house when Shona wanted some and him saying what’s the point of having fun in New York when she's not there with him... :/ but he was also a bit weird about her putting a nail in a wall or leaving out the egg duck or whatever as a display item in their house though I suppose that’s not a huge problem so like idk man idk!!! I'm just saying season 3 better not have a time jump I need to see what happens and not just in exposition

Shona and Aine

Love them :) I wish they had more scenes together (if that's possible??) but I liked the somewhat change in dynamic seeing Aine a bit worried about Shona (asking her if she’s okay when she mentions she’s thinking of getting a fringe lmao and again asking if she’s okay when they’re unpacking in Vish’s house). And of course Shona is still very protective and worrisome but seeing Aine just miserably lounging around her apartment over the weekend and getting in her bike accident after Shona wasn’t too supportive of her and James’s business idea made me so sad :( like Shona was so shitty about her not typing up everything in the notes for the meeting! And not even reading James's CV... big yikes. Anyway I thought it was odd that we didn’t get a follow up on the voice note Aine left Shona after getting into the bike accident... like she sounded soooo shaky and out of it :((( what luck Shona was sick and didn’t see Aine with a missing tooth before she got it fixed

Anyhow, Aine was right when she said Shona needs to talk to her and talk about her feelings more!! AND this is part of where my complaint about the pacing and the missing scenes comes into play! I think we should have seen Aine and Shona fighting about Shona’s affair and leaving Vish the voice note. The audience knows Aine cares about Vish and I’m not entirely sure where her relationship with Charlotte stands since Charlotte told Freddie about her being in rehab (on the assumption that he knew, as Aine’s ex-boyfriend) but!!! Just cutting to them on the floor waiting for Vish’s flight to land was not as hard hitting as it could have been

Aine x Bradley (+ Richard)

OKAYYY. Cute!!! I definitely overlooked the signs during my first watch here but yeah they were definitely there during my rewatch(es)!! I quite liked seeing Bradley try to get Aine to stop talking negatively about herself and just try to treat herself better in general like exercising and actually eating off of a plate :’) and the comparisons between Bradley and Richard have me like 👀📝 Bradley saying he likes how much Aine talks vs. Richard’s friend Mark saying she talks a lot and how he wasn’t expecting a whole show to which Richard replies he thought that at first too but she “calms down” like brooo... alright. Anyway Bradley going with her to Tom’s funeral/service made sense since he actually met Tom (though Aine did vaguely talk about him and his drinking problem to Richard in 1x05) and the fact that she told Bradley about PACT and her time there but she didn’t tell Richard (to be fair she was thinking about telling him) hmm 👀 Also Bradley saying “Sometimes it would just be nice to be with someone you could just relax with as yourself” yeah I’m on board with them

Loneliness, COVID, Communication is Connection

Initially I thought these themes could have come across a little stronger but after rewatching... hmm. Yes, Shona was lonely in the house by herself; she even asked Anil to stay for dinner, had her own “pile of shit” boyfriend on her bed (which she did clear off), and told Vish that nobody had time for her. Also after the business meeting she asked Aine what she was doing during the weekend (which Aine also spent alone anyway), but I dunno... oh yeah her hen/bachelorette party was a bit lonely since places were starting to go into lockdown and not everybody could attend, but I think the COVID element entered a bit too late into this season? I’m not sure it really added much in terms of the loneliness. Maybe it did add to the uncertainty of things though

“Communication is Connection” was there but I thought it kind of fell flat as well, but maybe that was the intention— to highlight the mess that a lack of communication can cause? Shona apparently writing off Charlotte’s feelings and them not necessarily talking about their relationship/feelings until their convo outside Charlotte’s office... Shona talking to Seema saying she’s never really asked what Vish wanted (regarding kids) and Seema saying that’s a convo for her and Vish to have... Aine not telling Richard she overheard him and Mark talking about her... Richard not consulting Aine about telling Etienne about them and just getting a new tutor for him... hmm. What does it mean. What does it all mean

Other stuff I’m still thinking about/have questions about

Shona mentioning it’s “annoying” how Aine talks like she’s the only person to ever get sad in episode 1 but still telling Aine she’s fine and then in episode 6 Shona saying she only has two emotions or whatever so she doesn’t need to talk to Aine about her feelings as much -____- istg we need to get Shona to talk to a therapist in season 3!!!

I also liked that Shona, Aine, and Eileen talked more. I’m still a little disappointed that the fact Eileen leaving Shona for three months when she was a baby was not mentioned at all. Yeah it was a secret but when Eileen said “well, you should never lie. You’ll always get caught out.” I— HELLO? If anything, that secret seeing daylight could have had something to do with Shona's sadness + loneliness this season. Also could you imagine that becoming a fear of Shona’s, like what if she doesn’t want kids because she’s afraid of doing the same thing to hers if she has any??

Jim asking Charlotte if she’s straight and Shona immediately going “what does that have to do with anything” or something like that and apologizing to Charlotte after Jim left— I’m not sure how I should have read that??? Did Shona mention to Jim that Charlotte is a lesbian?? When he started to ask, he was still looking at Shona (yeah I’m reading too much into this I know)

Marcia figuring out that Aine and Richard were seeing each other (after he touched her hand on his way out to get a taxi)— what was the purpose? Other than Marcia obviously feeling bad for Etienne, whom I assume she sees as a son of her own (based on the Mom Instinct™ snooping when she was doing housekeeping + her convo with Aine when he came back from France). She didn’t talk to either Aine or Richard about it, just told Aine to have a good time when they were leaving the house to go to their “separate” events. I guess it wasn't her place to say anything, but hm. Speaking of Etienne, it was obvious he had a schoolboy crush on Aine (or at least he was vying for her attention) in season 1 and it’s really too bad we didn’t get to see his reaction to suddenly getting a new tutor or dealing with Aine and Richard’s relationship other than him looking at them hugging while the new tutor was teaching him. He deserved some more screen time this season :(

Hmm so that was all very incoherent but if you made it this far thank youuu <3 here are some last silly comments:

Absolutely loved Julie!! I want to know what she knows about Charlotte and Shona 👀 girl give me the scoop on the last 4 months at the office

Super sad we didn’t get to see Charlotte’s cat (I’m always gonna be vocal about this 🗣🗣🗣) or know who her new girlfriend was but at the very least we were introduced to one of the most important side characters of all: Charlotte’s stompy boots <33333 she really wore those around the office with a blazer/blouse/leather skirt! We love that lesbian attire

[hangrypa]

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical. 

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this. 

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients? 

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections. 

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability. 

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back. 

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week. 

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the  ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot.  On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency. 

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself. 

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room. 

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.) 

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc. 

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind. 

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending. 

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

[hobeymakar]

Unapologetically | C. Makar Part 2

Previous parts: Part 1

Chapter word count: 3,673 words

A/N: This chapter was so much fun to write! I will be working on the next one ASAP, but it may take me a little longer to write it! Please like and reblog if you enjoyed it as it lets me know that you enjoyed it. Any and all feedback is always greatly appreciated

Shoutouts: @pizzasloot​ @hockey-and-wine​ and @grenawitka​ for being my cheerleaders in the gc! I love you girls with all my heart

Warnings: explicit language

-

Taty wakes up on the morning of February 5th and feels the nerves start to hit her. Today, she'll be meeting Cale in person and interviewing him for the podcast. A part of her is afraid things will go wrong once they meet and he won't be interested in her anymore. While the other part of her knows that Cale is too nice of a person to ever break her heart like that. If things don't work out, he'll be nice and respectful about it. 

In preparation of meeting Cale, she self-isolated from her family for a couple days and got tested for COVID-19. She tested negative thankfully so she can go meet Cale without putting him in danger. 

She brushes her teeth and has breakfast as she prepares herself mentally for the podcast. She writes down her questions and her intro, so that she doesn't forget anything that she wants to say and ask. After breakfast she showers and changes into a comfy, warm outfit to withstand the cold of New England winter. She knows the high is only gonna be 37 and with the wind in the city of Boston, it's gonna be way worse.

She loads her car up with all her equipment and starts making the trip towards Boston. She decides to make a trip to her Aunt's apartment in Roxbury, which is on the outskirts of the city. She parks her car inside the community and makes her way into the apartment, since her Aunt always leaves her door open.

"'Cion Tia! (Blessings, Auntie)" she smiles, greeting her Aunt Leo who's in the kitchen making food.

"Dios te bendiga, mi'ja! Que haces aqui? (May God bless you, honey! What are you doing here?) " her aunt asks, as she stands in front of the stove.

"Voy hacer una entrevista con un jugador de hockey (I'm interviewing a hockey player)" she explains, not wanting to mention that she's sort of seeing that player.

"Que bueno mi'ja! ¡Me alegro! Yo se que todo va salir bien porque tu eres una mujer seria y muy inteligente! (That's amazing honey! I'm glad! I know that everything is gonna go great because you're a serious and intelligent woman!" her aunt cries out.

"Gracias Tia! Y Cola y Nine? Thank you Auntie! Where's Cola and Nine?" she asks, referring to another aunt and uncle.

"Nine está trabajando y Cola salió con Frank y Bernardo a ayudar alguien con un trabajito. (Nine's working and Cola went out with Frank and Bernardo to help someone out with a small job," her aunt explains.

"Bueno, yo vine aquí solamente para verte y saludarte. Me voy a quedar en un hotel esta noche y voy a regresar a casa mañana. (Well, I came here only to see you and greet you. I'm staying at a hotel tonight and I'm going back home tomorrow)" she explains.

"Quédate aquí por un rato más. Ya la comida está lista como en 15 minutos. (Stay here for a little longer. The food will be ready in like 15 minutes)" her aunt explains.

"Tengo planes con el jugador pero no diga nada a Mami por favor (I have plans with the player but don't say anything to Mami please)" she pleads.

"Oh ya veo. No le digo nada, mi'ja (Oh, now I see. I won't tell her anything, honey)" her aunt replies, nodding her head.

"Gracias Tia! Dale saludos a Cola, Nine, Frank y Bernardo. Ojala los veo mañana (Thank you, Auntie! Say hi to Cola, Nine, Frank and Bernardo. Hopefully I'll see them tomorrow)" she smiles, hugging her Aunt.

"Con dios, mi'ja. Tengas cuidado, pero lo disfrutas (Take care, honey. Be careful, but have fun)" her Aunt smiles back, kissing her cheek.

Taty leaves the apartment and gets back into her car to make the trip to a hotel right across the street from the TD Garden. During the drive, she hits some traffic because the city of Boston has awful traffic, but arrives at the hotel in 20 minutes. Workers help her get her stuff out of the car and she gets her car parked by the valet. She makes her way inside the hotel and checks in. The workers help her bring her stuff to her room on the 7th floor. She makes her way inside and unpacks her things, putting them out. She puts her recording equipment out on the table and then heads to the windows to take a picture of her view of the Bunker Hill Bridge and TD Garden. She sends the picture to Cale

To: Cale 🥰

Nice choice for the room. You remembered how I like my city view and bath tubs to take baths in

From: Cale 🥰

Of course I remembered! I remember every single thing you've told me

To: Cale 🥰

How quickly can you get your butt up to my room?

From: Cale 🥰

I'm in Mikko's room rn with the guys but I can make up an excuse and disappear

To: Cale 🥰

I want to order room service and then interview you

From: Cale 🥰

Alright I'll be there in a few

She looks at herself in the mirror, making sure she looks good. She realizes how dumb it is for her to stress over her looks when Cale has literally seen her looking gross with no makeup on and her hair looking a whole ass mess.

She goes on her phone and tries to calm down her nerves. After a few minutes, she hears a knock on her door. She goes up to the door and opens it, meeting Cale who's dressed in an Avs sweatshirt and sweatpants. She pulls him in and closes the door shut right away, so that no one can see.

He lifts her up for a hug and she wraps her legs around him, her tiny frame wrapping around him tightly. They embrace each other for a few moments before putting her back down.

"So you like the room I picked out for you?" he asks, as she leads him further inside the room.

"Yes! It's perfect! It's honestly way too big for just me," she smiles.

She gives him a quick tour of the room and bathroom and he sits down on the bed while she opens the room service menu.

"Do you want anything?" she asks him.

"No, I already had lunch with the team," he informs her. 

"Alright," she nods, looking back at the menu.

"Order anything you want regardless of price. It's on me," he informs her.

"Cale, I can't make you spend all this money on me. You're paying for my room and the valet parking, the least I can do is pay you back for the food," she protests.

"I appreciate your concern, but this is nothing to me. Let me treat you," he replies, trying to convince her to let him spoil her.

"You're lucky you're cute," she sighs, giving in.

She calls room service and places her order. As she waits for her order, she turns on the TV and gets on the bed, snuggling into Cale's side. She puts on NHL Network and they watch highlights from the night before, while talking about certain plays and players.

"You know I've never met a girl that I could talk about hockey with like this. Like you actually understand the sport and everything," he comments.

"Well I've been a fan for so long and I've always been obsessed with sports since I was a little kid. It's the reason why I was always one of the guys growing up," she explains.

"And I think it's the coolest thing about you! You're so passionate about sports and sports stats! You're passionate about diversity and inclusion in sports too!" he smiles, running his fingers through her hair.

She feels the heat rise in her cheeks and she wishes he would just kiss her already, but she's too shy to do it herself.

"Well thank you. For a long time, I was embarrassed about how nerdy it is. It's probably why guys never saw me as anything more than a tomboy," she explains sheepishly.

"Yeah well it's their loss. They never got to see how incredible you really are," he smiles, kissing her forehead.

If she could die in his arms right now, she wouldn't mind honestly. She's never felt this sort of warmth and such intense butterflies in her stomach. Her heart feels so full and she finally realizes that this is what falling in love feels like. She had never felt it before but she loves the feeling so much that she doesn't want it to end.

The room service arrives and she brings the tray full of food inside. She sits down on the bed and starts eating as they watch TV and make small talk.

"What did you and the boys do today?" she asks.

"Well we got here late last night, so none of us woke up til like 10am. We all got ready and had lunch in the restaurant. Then we went to Mikko's room to play video games. It's been pretty boring so far, but we're not doing much because of COVID. We can't be going out like we used to," he explains.

"Yeah this virus has really fucked things up here. The governor of Massachusetts still hasn't allowed any fans to attend Celtics or Bruins games at the Garden and I don't know if he will for the rest of the season. Maybe he will for playoffs but I don't expect him to," she explains.

"I get that though. We have to keep people safe as much as possible until we eliminate this virus," he adds.

They switch the subject after that and keep the light conversation flowing until she finishes eating. She then sets her empty tray outside the room and starts setting everything up for the podcast, handing Cale a mic. She grabs her mic and sets it up, hooking everything up to her laptop. She checks the audio, making sure it's all good before starting the recording on her laptop.

"Our next guest is the biggest we've had so far. He was born and raised in Calgary, Alberta and was named after a Flames player. He grew up a Flames fan and made a name for himself in the AJHL playing for the Brooks Bandits, where he was named AJHL player of the year. He quickly became a top prospect and was selected 4th overall by the Colorado Avalanche in 2017. He played two seasons at UMass Amherst with the Minutemen, setting school records. He won the 2019 Hobey Baker Award and led the Minutemen to the Frozen Four, where they lost to the Minnesota Duluth Bulldogs in the championship game. He signed with the Avalanche immediately after the loss, ending his collegiate career and made his debut in Game 4 of the 1st round of the Stanley Cup playoffs with Colorado in his hometown of Calgary. With family and friends in attendance, he scored his first ever goal in the game. He recently won the 2020 Calder Trophy given to the league's top rookie. Welcome to the Ace of Hockey podcast, Cale Makar," she introduces, absolutely nailing the intro.

"Wow, that has to be the longest intro I've ever gotten for an interview, so thank you," he smiles.

"Well you're a young superstar now, so I gotta have the intro reflect that," she replies.

"I don't know if I'm worthy of such an intro, but I appreciate it though," he smiles.

She starts asking him questions about his childhood and what it was like growing up in Alberta, how he ended up playing Junior A instead of Major Junior, what made him go to the college hockey route, as well as what his draft day experience was like. She also asks him what his experience was like at UMass Amherst, and what it was like playing in the National Championship game and winning the Hobey Baker. She then asks him about signing his ELC and what it was like making his debut in the playoffs in his hometown and scoring a goal in his debut. She then asks him about his rookie year and what it was like in his first full season in Colorado.

He also explains how Nate took him under his wing this season and really helped show him the ropes on how to be a pro. He also talks about how great of a captain Gabe is and who are the funniest guys on the team, as well as the pranksters. He also explains how it was like for him personally in the bubble. He also mentions everything players have said and done about social justice change and how important it is to listen and be an ally for minority groups.

They finish up the interview and he helps her clean everything up.

"So, I have a team dinner in like half an hour that I need to get ready for. I promise I will come back afterwards so we can hang out," he explains.

"That's fine, Cale. I'll probably just take a nice bath and relax, maybe listen to our interview. I'll send you the audio and if you want anything edited out, just let me know," she explains.

"Of course, love. I'm not concerned about that honestly," he assures her.

"Go get ready before you're late. Afterwards, you know where to find me," she smiles, pushing him lightly to the door.

"Alright fine. No need to kick me out," he teases, walking towards the door.

As soon as he gets to the door, he turns around and brings her in for a hug, lifting her from the ground. He sets her back down after a few moments.

"Bye Cale. Have fun at dinner," she smiles, kissing his cheek.

"Bye love," he smiles, walking out.

She shuts the door immediately and heads to the bathroom to take a nice relaxing bath in the tub. She turns on the water and gets undressed. Once the tub is filled, she stops the water and throws in a bath bomb. She gets in and immediately soaks in the warmth of the water. She sends a selfie of her in the bath and sends it to her sisters in their Ventura Rodriguez sisters group chat. 

From: Katie

Damn how tf did you get a sugar daddy?

From: Kiana

I thought you were interviewing a player today? Is the player your sugar daddy?

To: The Ventura Rodriguez sisters

I don't have a sugar daddy and yes I interviewed the player today. He was nice enough to book me a room at the hotel he's staying at

From: Katie

No way he booked you a hotel if it's just a  professional relationship. He definitely likes you

From: Kiana

So who's the player you're talking to

To: The Ventura Rodriguez Sisters

Nope not telling y'all. He's not my boyfriend so y'all don't got to know

She puts on some soft R&B and lets the music relax her. Before she knows it, she's been in there for an hour and gets out. She wraps her body in a towel and unplugs the drain. She dries herself off and changes into a faded URI basketball t-shirt and boyshorts. She dries her hair with a blowdryer and gets into bed, opening her laptop. 

She listens to the 40 minute long audio clip of the interview and loves the interview. The conversation just flows between them and she thinks that her listeners are going to really love it, even though they didn't talk so much about social activism, like she has with other guests on the podcast. Her stomach starts to grumble and she realizes she hasn't had dinner yet. She grabs the room service menu and starts looking, as she's about to call to place her order, she hears a knock on the door.

She gets up and goes to the door. Unfortunately because of her lack of height, she can't see through the peephole who it is. She opens the door and internally sighs in relief when she sees it's Cale dressed in a UMass sweatshirt and shorts. He walks in and hugs her, lifting her up again.

"Do you have a thing for lifting me up?" she asks, as she wraps her legs around him.

"You're just so tiny that it's hard for me not to do it," he teases, referring to her 4'9 height.

“No, I think you have a thing for lifting me up, bud,” she teases back, moving her hands up to his hair.

“Just for that I’m putting you back down,” he replies playfully, setting her back down.

“Well you’re just in time to watch me order dinner,” she informs him, leading him towards the bed.

“I wish I could take you out to a nice dinner for a date,” he sighs, wishing he didn’t have to deal with the league’s COVID restrictions that prevent him from leaving the hotel except for practice and the game.

“It’s okay. You’ll just make it up to me some other time. We can just watch TV while I eat. That sounds like a pretty nice date to me,” she explains, grabbing the phone to call room service.

She calls room service and places her order. She decides to get comfortable and get under the sheets.

“Are you gonna join me?” she asks, referring to the spot right beside her under the sheets.

He quickly gets under the sheets with her and she rests her head on his shoulder. He turns on the TV and puts on NBCSN to watch the Flames play the Sabres in Buffalo.

“Is it cool if we watch the game?” he asks.

“Of course! I love watching hockey even if it doesn’t involve teams I cheer for,” she smiles, resting her head on his chest.

He strokes her back up and down with his fingers, causing sparks of heat to roll up her spine from his touch.

“Who are you rooting for?” she asks him. 

“Calgary. I’m always gonna have a soft spot for my hometown team, even though they’re a conference rival,” he explains.

“I like Calgary. They have really sick players, like Monahan, Gaudreau, Lindholm and don’t even get me started on Tkachuk!: she gushes, causing him to stiffen up.

“I didn’t know you liked Tkachuk,” he replies, his voice getting deeper than it already is.

“I mean what’s there not to like? He’s a strong power forward with great hands! I mean that between-the-legs goal last year proved how skilled he is!” she gushes.

“Yeah he’s a great player but I didn’t think you liked him that much,” he replies, sounding bitter.

“No need to be jealous, babes! Tkachuk’s cool and all but he doesn’t compare to you,” she assures him, kissing his cheek.

The food arrives and she goes outside to pick it up. She brings the tray inside and starts eating, while watching the game.

“You want some?” she asks, referring to her pasta.

“No, I can’t eat that. The trainers will kill me,” he replies.

“Who cares! It’s just one bite,” she replies, bringing the forkful of pasta closer to his mouth

“Babe, I’m serious! I can’t eat that,” he groans, moving his face away further.

“Fine, more for me,” she scoffs, shrugging her shoulders. 

She finishes eating her pasta and Cale stares at her for a moment.

“You got a little something,” he trails off, pointing to her face.

Her eyes go wide and she takes a napkin, wiping her mouth. She removes the bit of sauce from her lip and puts the napkin down on the tray. He lowers down the volume on the TV and takes her hands in his.

“Can I tell you something?” he asks.

“You can tell me anything,” she replies, feeling her heartbeat start to accelerate.

“I really like you. For the past 5 months I’ve been getting to know you and I believe you’re the most intelligent, beautiful, and caring girl I’ve ever met. I know things aren’t easy with the season going on and you living in Rhode Island, but I wanna try and make things work between us. Will you officially be my girlfriend?” he asks, looking directly into her eyes.

“Yes!” she nods, feeling like her heart might just explode.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

“I’ve been wanting you to kiss me all day!” she replies, getting a little chuckle out of him in response.

He cups her face and presses his lips gently onto hers and Taty swears she feels those cliché sparks everyone always talks about. She kisses back almost immediately, not holding back. The kiss quickly becomes more passionate and she’s reciprocating each kiss enthusiastically. After a couple minutes, they break apart.

“You know how I told you I’ve never done this before? Well, I want us to take it slow and I hope that’s okay with you,” she says sheepishly, afraid of rejection.

“We can take it as slow as you want. You control how this goes. I will never push you to do anything you don’t want to do. I like you for you,” he assures her, kissing her knuckles.

She had never known what falling in love is like, but now she does because she’s definitely falling in love with Cale Douglas Makar. She never wants this feeling and she prays to God she never finds a way to fuck this up.

They spend a few more hours wrapped in each other’s arms before Cale announces he has to leave because it’s getting late and he has practice in the morning.

“Bye babe,” she smiles, leading him towards the door.

“Bye princess. Sweet dreams,” he kisses her.

He walks out the door and she shuts the door behind him. She pinches herself, thinking it might be a dream. She’s relieved to find out it isn’t a dream and she finally has a boyfriend for the first time in her life.

[villainousshakespeare]

AO3 Master List

Loki - Series

Exile’s Return: Rated M, Fluff, Smut, Romance, 16 chapters (complete)

Banished from Asgard for his various crimes, Loki seeks to use the rescue and return of Thor’s betrothed (ofc) to secure his release from exile. But he is the God of Mischief, and when the lady in question proves to be smart, caring, and lovely he can’t resist trying to slowly turn her affection away from the prince she is promised to marry and claim her for himself. My first ever (and still personal favorite I’ve written) fic!!

Loki and Kela’s Adventures on Midgard: Rated E, Smut, Fluff 8 chapters (complete)

A sequel to Exile’s Return, but not really necessary to read that first. Loki brings his love Kela to Midgard despite being wanted for war crimes by The Avengers. While attending the theater in New York they cross paths with a dangerous man with mind control abilities. Will Loki be able to keep Kela from becoming his latest victim?

In Exchange for Submission: Rated E, Smut, Fluff, Romance, Angst, 77 Chapters (completed)

Loki’s invasion of NY has taken a turn for the better, and he is now in charge of a growing percentage of the United States. During his campaign he acquired a group of hostages from resistance pockets and is keeping them captive in Stark Tower. Now, with things settling down a bit, he needs to decide what to do with them. Two of them, from a prominent family, are set to be released. One of these, a feisty, irritating, impossible woman, desperately offers to ransom the rest of the prisoners, including her best friend. Loki has no need of Midgardian coin, but the woman, who has been a thorn in his side for weeks, has something else that he desires - her submission. He offers her a bargain - every day he will require a new willing act of submission from her, and in exchange, he will release one prisoner. How long can she keep up the deal? And how much of herself will he demand she surrender?

Trigger Warnings: Dark elements, Dark!Thor, attempted rape (not by Loki), angst, tons of kink and smut

For the Price of a Book: Rated M, Romance, Fluff, Smut, Angst, 35 Chapters (completed)

In the days before the events of Thor I, Loki inadvertently comes upon a female servant being “punished” by a pair of guards. Her crime? Stealing a book from the rooms she was tasked to clean. Curiosity captured, he decides to break through the shy exterior by any means necessary. A bit of softer Loki story, as he is younger and pre-Jotunn discovery. He is still Loki though, so sass and drama will not be far away!

Christmas Mischief: Rated M, Romance, Fluff, Smut 4 Chapters (completed)

You have been dating Loki for several months, so it is only natural that he would accompany you home for a very old fashioned family holiday, right? This could be your dream come true… or your worst nightmare.

Loki - One Shots

The Rarest Flower: Rated T, Romance, Angst, 1 shot

Birthday Challenge from the prompt: Could I request the “forbidden/secret relationship” with Loki and reader? They dated back in Asgard, but with Loki as prince it was somehow forbidden so they needed to keep it secret. Someone found out and the reader was sent to Midgard and to not see Loki again and while she is there she found out she’s pregnant. Years later Loki found a way back to the reader and is surprised to see that they have a child

Retribution: Rated E, Smut, NonCon, 1 shot

Loki has just conquered two united armies on the field of battle. Now he confronts the woman who brought them together to oppose him - daughter to the proud king of one army, betrothed of the general of their ally. Angry at the challenge to his throne he decides to make an example of her, and gives her a choice: be tossed to his soldiers for their entertainment, or willingly submit to his every perverted demand as his personal slave. Basically, my attempt at a Loki/slave one shot.

Trigger Warning: VERY NON-CON! This is not the love story Loki of my previous works, but just pure, unadulterated, dark, perverted porn.

Team Bonding: Rated T, Drinking, Implied Future Smut, Drunken Silliness, One Shot

Now that Loki is a member of the Avengers, he needs to develop a better report with them. As his fiancé, you feel it is your duty to encourage him to go out for post-mission drinks with the team. What could possibly go wrong?

The Perfect Costume: Rated E, Smut

Loki needs to find the perfect costume to wear to a party with you. What will he come up with and how will you react?

Life of the Party: Rated T, Drinking, Implied Future Smut

An empath and a scientist in the service of SHIELD, you are blackmailed by Tony Stark into attending one of his parties for your own good. Expecting to have a miserable time, you instead strike up a conversation with the God of Mischeif. Written for @scrumptious-delusion 2K Writing challenge!

A Flood of Emotions: Rated M, Smut, Fluff, Set During Pandemic

As an empath living through the Covid-19 pandemic you are struggling to deal with being confined with everyone else's emotions. When Loki arrives at your door for a delayed rendezvous you are moments away from a panic attack. Can the God of Mischief take your mind off of your problems?

This is a continuation of the story begun in "Life of the Party", though it is not necessary to read it first.

You’re My Obsession: Rated M, Angst, Smut, Avenger Loki

As the head of PR for the Avengers, you are faced with a lot of problems. None of them, however, is as big as your obsession with a certain God of Mischief. While he cavorts with models and treats you as a nothing more than a close friend, you find yourself unable to control your feeling for him. Can you find a way to make him final take notice of you?

James Conrad

GIF by jeaingrey

The Mark: Rated E, Smut, Angst, Fluff, Romance, Gooey Ending, One Shot

Desperate for money in a backwater town in South East Asia after the Vietnam War, Jennifer follows a tall British man she has just seen win a roll of cash at pool. She is determined to make him her latest mark, but James Conrad is more than what he seems and not one to fall for any woman’s game.

Trigger warning: Mention of attempted kidnapping/human trafficking

Tracking the Beast: rated T, fluff, alcohol use, implied smut

James leads a group of inexperienced adventures to track a rare beast.

Sir Thomas Sharpe

In Search of Refuge: Rated E, Smut, Gothic Romance, Work in Progress

A disastrous carriage accident leaves Rose stranded in a snow storm. Desperate to find shelter from the elements, she stumbles upon a run down estate and throws herself on the mercy of its owner, Sir Thomas Sharpe.

Magnus Martinsson

GIF by littllemissmagic

Protection: Rated E, Smut, Romance, Fluff, Angst, 36 Chapters (completed)

Against his wishes, Magnus is assigned an undercover case to protect a witness and bring down a criminal. He gets more than he bargains for with his protectee. This starts with a slow burn, but I promise there will be smutty goodness in upcoming chapters!

Bunnies in the Rain: Rated E, Smut, Fluff, Romance One Shot

Birthday Challenge: Magnus and Just. One.  Bed. You and Det. Magnus Martinsson get stuck in the rain out on the job, and have to take shelter in a Bed and Breakfast. What could possibly happen?

Robert Laing

Her: Rated E, Smut, Kidnapping, Dub/Con, Nonconsensual Drug Use

Laing enjoys life in the high rise as every woman’s favorite amenity, but lately he’s been getting bored. When he sees Grace, he knows he has to have her, no matter what it takes.

Trigger Warnings: Please, please, please read the rating. This is a dark fic unlike my usual ones.

Tom Hiddleston

Kicked Out: Rated M, Fluff, Angst, Kissing,

Birthday Challenge: Tom and Just. One. Bed.On your first professional tour you are unceremoniously ousted from your hotel room when your roommate hooks up with one of the stars. It is at this point that the other lead, one Tom Hiddleston, wanders into the room. Being a gentleman, he can hardly let you drink alone!

In the Timing: Rated E, Smut, Angst, Fluff 4 Chapters (completed)

After a horrible first date, you end up at a pub filled with University students. You are feeling rather old and sorry for yourself, until a blond haired Adonis strikes up a conversation with you. Obviously he is too young for you, but what could a little flirting hurt?

Tom Hiddleston/Loki

Personalities Within: Rated E, Smut, Fluff, Angst, Loki, Oakley, Jonathan Pine, Coriolanus, Adam, tbd, Work in Progress (currently on hiatus)

Tom had been so careful for so long. He rarely got involved in relationships, and if he did he only let them go on for so long before ending them. It was the only way to be safe. The only way that HE wouldn’t come out. And while HE, among others, might make Tom a great actor, the dangers were to great. But what happens when Tom falls for someone. Someone who not only is his perfect type, but the other’s perfect type as well? Can he pursue a relationship with her while keeping his secret and protecting her? Or will the unthinkable happen?

Trigger Warnings: Mental illness

@yespolkadotkitty @just-the-hiddles @hopelessromanticspoonie @nonsensicalobsessions @toozmanykids @thecutestlittlebunbunfairy @kellatron55 @myoxisbroken @vodka-and-some-sass @arch-venus25 @alexakeyloveloki @caffiend-queen @hiddlesholic @wolfsmom1​ @wrathkitty​

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[catthecoder]

tag game - get to know me

tagged by the awesome @orangenfrottee - thank you, i haven’t done one of these in ages and these questions sound like so much fun! 💕

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? it’s grey on the back with black handle

2. name a food you never eat - hmm, i used to be such a picky eater but i recently slowly started eating a lot of food i used to despise... if you asked me a few months ago, i could write up a rather long list, but right now? the only thing that comes to mind are picked cucumbers 😬

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, 100%. somehow, my body stays cold even when it is like 30 degrees, which is hella weird.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? eating lunch! i made bagels with ricotta, ham, cheese, egg and avocado and i had a couple of baby cucumbers along with it (mind you, not pickled ones) and it was super delicious.

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? i think twix is my favourite? or perhaps this slovak bar called ‘horalky’, which is basically wafers with peanut filling and sides dipped in chocolate... god, now i want one so desperately.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? i used to watch hockey a lot and i’ve been to a couple of games.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?  huh, i think it was my order when i went for coffee a couple of hours ago? (i got a latte and a piece of apple crumble cake, in case anybody’s wondering)

8. what is your favorite ice cream? i could eat ben&jerry every day, so it’s probably their ‘half baked’ or ‘phish food’. also, i’d die for a good mango sorbet.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? plain old water

10. do you like your wallet? i like how small and practical it is..... i’m trying to recall the last time i actually took it out of my backpack and i’m coming very short.

11. what is the last thing you ate? the bagels from question 4!

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i bought a pair of new masks last thursday and they arrived on monday - does that count?

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? haha, does the bake off count as a sporting event? if not, i think it would be some skiing competitions (slalom) last winter - my parents follow them rather closely and it kind of rubs off on me when i’m home with them.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? salty mixed with sweet!

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boyfriend.

16. ever been camping? does setting up a tent in friend’s backyard and sleeping there count? if so, then yes.

17. do you take vitamins? not really... i sometimes take c during autumn for immunity, but i haven’t bought any this year so far... oh, i am taking probiotics right now, though i’m not sure whether that counts as vitamins.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? no.

19. do you have a tan? no, if i try to tan, i just turn pink (or red). though i’m pretty sure my skin is marginally lighter underneath where i wear my watch.

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza?  if going out, pizza; if i’m cooking, chinese.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? if there’s ice in it, then yes; otherwise, i tend to skip the straw. 

22. what color socks do you usually wear? black or white.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? gonna be honest and say yes. not by crazy amounts or anything like that, but if i know the road and i can see quite far around and ahead, i will go 10ish% above the limit easily. not gonna lie, it’s especially easy on highways (though i nearly got fined last time i drove, so who knows how i’ll feel about it the next i’ll sit behind the wheel) 

24. what terrifies you? haha, like i’m going to share that.

25. look to your left, what do you see?  a shelf with alcohol bottles, glasses that don’t fit into our kitchen cabinet, an assortment of cameras and other photography equipment and a scanner. oh, and a window.

26. what chore do you hate most? taking out our organic waste bin - it starts smelling very bad very quickly plus the bin for it downstairs hadn’t been taken out in a very long time and it’s always covered by fruit flies and smells veeeery bad and i’m feeling yucky just thinking about it.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i think - hah, that person is australian, how cool.

28. what’s your favorite soda? i love san pellegrino. limonata is my go to, but i recently had lemon & mint and my god, that one is amazing.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? i go in, even if i drove there - i don’t like eating in my car.

30. what’s your favorite number? i’ve always had a special connection to number three, so let’s go with that.

31. who’s the last person you talked to? depends on what you mean by talked to - actually spoke to, with my voice? the bartender at my favourite coffee shop. had a meaningful conversation? probably with a customer service employee who’s helping me resolve an issue. just chatted to, without much of a point? my boyfriend.

32. favorite meat? hmm, probably ham?

33. last song you listened to? i’m currently listening to ‘cigarette daydreams’ by ‘cage the elephant’, though that’s going to change in a minute and half.

34. last book you read? ‘renegades’ by marissa meyer! it was so. good! i started the second book, ‘archnemesis’ yesterday and i’m even more in love. 100% recommend if you’re into superhero stories with secret identities and enemies-to-friends(-to-lovers). such an amazing series.

35. favorite day of the week? what even are days?

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? only crazy people can.

37. how do you like your coffee? oat latte with a bit of honey.

38. favorite pair of shoes? i own way too many shoes to be able to pick a single favourite pair.

39. time you normally get up? between 8:30 and 9:00.

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? none. there is one on the couch though.

42. describe your kitchen plates? we found this kitchen set in tesco after eating from paper plates for at least a week after moving in - there are four bowls, four small plates and four big plates (a year layer, we found two extra big bowls matching our set) - the bowls are grey from outside and white on the inside; the small plates are grey on the top and white on the bottom and the big plates are white on top and grey on bottom.

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: very small - a third of it is a stove (with two heating pads? circles? whatever), another third is a sink and the last third is workspace with a small shelf for spices, cutlery etc, and a cutting board and knives stand. most of the workspace is taken up by a cutting board i used to cut avocado and cucumbers for lunch and there is a tiny pan (and i mean really tiny, like one egg sized) leftover on the stove. i’m probably going to do the dishes after i finish answering these.

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i’m not that picky, i’ll drink almost anything. i think i prefer fruity drinks though - i really like french martini or sex on the beach.

45. do you play cards? we used to play cards a lot with my parents and sister (and grandparents as well) - i love playing canasta, but you need four people for that, so i haven’t actually played in months... we also played a lot of joker and i taught my boyfriend to play this summer (not that he didn’t know how to play, he just wasn’t particularly good)... and we also play poker with a couple of our friends here from time to time

46. what color is your car? this is going to sound so bad, but i am actual not sure? we ended up finding quite a good deal on a car we wanted to get after uni, so we bought it - however, it is back in slovakia and both me and my boyfriend are stuck in uk right now. it’s either black or very dark blue, but for the love of my life, i can’t remember and the photos i found weren’t helpful at. all. (if it weren’t for covid, i’d be able to answer this question a lot better). oh, and the car i had before (my mom’s old car) is red.

47. can you change a tire? i like to think i’d be able to (after enough googling and youtube videos), but if there was somebody else with me, i’d gladly let them do it.

48. your favorite state or province? like in usa or what? i guess new york.

49. favorite job you’ve had? i don’t think i’ve particularly enjoyed any of the jobs i had so far - if i had to pick, i’d say working in an ice-cream shop, because if there is one thing that could make work during a very hot summer even slightly bearable, it’s the fact that every so often, you can nibble on a bit of an ice-cream.

i’m tagging @stonerbughead @strangenightsofdaydreams and @i-know-you-can - i know there is like 50 questions and that’s a lot, but they were actually a lot of fun? 

[papistrouble]

we’re here

i want to say thank you again!!!! to all of you. i see i have so many notifications of love from you all since i thanked everyone before.  i will try to make sure i don’t miss anyone in this second round. if i manage to not get your name, please please please fuss at me!! i want to appreciate you with hugs and love and make sure you all know how grateful i am for your love and support for @troublespapi.  you guys are better than family and have offered more support than they have. you are really God sent.

@goodhotwife @daddysbrattygirly @like-i-need-a-hole-in-my-head @magpie-69 @subspace-fox @sincardinality @amysubmits @just-a-silly-innocent-good-girl2 @lovininthedark @shyat-58 @newprincessbrat @gwemerald  

he’s doing okay.  it sucked to lose his mom this time last year. it sucked to lose his dad. covid is a bastard. but they’re together now. we both find some happiness and peace in knowing they both are home and together again. 

@troublespapi decided to not go to the services, that is hard for me to digest. i am really struggling with it and have awful negative feelings for being partially the reason he is missing.  i think it hurts me more than accepting his dad is gone.  he is not going because he is keeping me safe from bringing home exposure to the virus. i know how much he wants to be there, i wanted to be there with him, but he has decided it’s a no. 

his other reason for not going is because interacting with his family is so toxic. after his mom passed, the fight we had in court last year cost so much money, all wasted money, to undo the lies and fraudulent activity they created.  we’re not rich kids. $17k in attorney fees. the satisfaction of seeing a judge be disgusted with them and their attorney for their wrongdoings cost a lot. interacting with them is just not worth the pain they have caused. they do not want him there but they never imagined he would not come. it would have been at least a chuckle to have been a fly on the wall when they were told he was not attending. 

anyway, he is doing okay. we are doing silly things, remembering his dad in our regular day, like we will from now on, like we always have. the doorbell rang early this morning (9am, we stayed in bed late because if he says boobies its boobies - see he really is kind of okay lol) we jumped up to see what it was. it was a giant peace lily delivery from his coworkers in memory of his dad. we laughed because his dad got us out of bed. when we were younger his dad would call us so early on saturday mornings to see what we were doing for the day, and tell us we were wasting the day to sleep late. so his dad is still here. 

thank you again for praying, and loving, and knowing without truly knowing him, that @troublespapi is so deserving of such kindness.  <3 

i’m going to find some wonderful posts to love and share now. 

[franstastic-ideas]

The past few hours have been hell for me.

To begin with, for the past week every few days, since my grandma got home from the hospital, I’ve been staying with her since nobody wanted her to be alone while she was so weak and apparently everybody else had something they needed to do but me.

I didn’t mind a bit in the world to stay with her, because I really didn’t have anything else to do and my grandma is sweet and doesn’t cause any trouble for anybody that’s with her.

Well, here’s where the problem has set in: my grandma lives with one of my aunts and uncles, and both of them work. Now, my aunt wears a mask and she sanitizes everything from top to bottom because she takes the COVID virus seriously as it should be.

But one of her coworkers caught the virus, and somebody else she knows from our church has got it too. And she’s been in contact with them both fairly recently. We found this out just earlier.

And now I’m worried. I’m worried for a lot of reasons - I’m afraid of my aunt catching it. I’m afraid of my uncle catching it. I’m especially afraid of my grandma catching it. And I’m afraid of catching it.

I’ve worn a mask while over there, but I’m still worried. And now I’m afraid to keep going there, even though I am afraid of what might happen if my grandma is alone even if she can handle herself pretty well.

As for my mom, she was the one who suggested I go over there in the first place, since my mom said she was going to be busy with my little sister signing her up for online school and helping her with that when it starts.

My aunt and uncle can’t stop going to work and stay home because of the virus - because if they do, they get their insurance cut off and they need that insurance.

America is a crapsack country right now. More than it’s ever been. I miss Obama.

Anyway, since I was so confused on what to do, my mom decided for me and just told my aunt that I wasn’t going to come over there tomorrow. My cousin, who is jobless, is going to stay with her - whenever she gets out of bed and decides to come over at who knows what time when I’ve been woken up at the crack of dawn.

But I feel like I’m being looked down on for being afraid of catching the virus - like I’m seen as some smug, self-centered person that thinks my life and health has more value than anybody else’s.

And my other cousin and his wife, who are complete assholes, just getting that out there, continuously look down on us and others because we’re so afraid of COVID. And if either of them gets word of what I did, then they’re probably gonna run their mouths about me being selfish or something in that passive aggressive way of theirs. My mom says if they do, they’re only gonna do it once.

They’ve already tried shaming me and my mom for not going to church while the pandemic is happening, and it’s made my mom feel bad, even though I’ve tried assuring her and telling anyone that tries to guilt-trip us that God and heaven would forgive us for not attending services right now, especially when it could endanger the lives of others, and that The Bible even has a safety precaution specifically FOR such events like this - that you’re supposed to quietly worship in your own home while in solitude should such an event occur.

But nobody ever listens to me when it comes to stuff like this.

My mom is still going to drive over there to check on her tomorrow, but she told me in that same tone she has when she’s disappointed. She told me that if she caught the virus, that she probably wouldn’t live through it.

But if I caught it, those that survive and supposedly ‘recover’ still have a mass amount of damage dealt to their bodies, damage that might just kill them later if they don’t get the virus again and that finishes them off.

It’s a near hopeless situation, and I really think I’d rather just... die, than have to suffer with all those symptoms like heart diseases and lung deterioration that have been frequently reported in COVID survivors. Is living with such suffering really living anymore...?

So to recap: I’m apparently a self-centered and terrible person for being worried about a dangerous and extremely contagious virus and putting myself in danger of catching it, I think the people I know are trying to make me feel guilty about it and going to paint me as a horrible person, and it’s working.

I mean, I know I’m a horrible person. I’m so lazy I can’t even crawl out of bed at a decent hour on some days, I can’t get along with my sister for more than two minutes, I’m always thinking of things that I want when I’ve got enough spare money to spend, and I’ve got a bad case of wanting to inflict wrath on others with my own hands, but I feel like today I’ve reached an all new low that I can’t ever crawl out of.

[quinnmorgendorffer]

because i need to get this out here somehow...hopefully the cut works so you guys don’t feel obligated to read this lol

church was always a part of my life growing up, i know i’ve talked about it on here before. i know i’ve mentioned getting “saved” at recess and going to church lock-ins. i’ve mentioned missing some of the christmas traditions our church did, like ending on “silent night” in only a candle-lit worship hall. but religion has just a much heavier part of my life than i’ve talked about.

my family wasn’t always the best in attendance until i was around nine. to quote arrested development “i don’t want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn’t help.” but actually, yeah, i blame it all on 9/11. we went to a vigil the night of the attacks and suddenly every sunday my sisters and i were woken up to go to church.

i didn’t mind all of it. i liked being an acolyte when i was one on the first or last sunday of the month - first sunday was communion, which we helped with, and the last sunday was the “noisy offering”, where we went around with buckets to collect change for one charity or another. i liked singing in the children’s choir. i never cared for the sunday school or youth group stuff as i grew older and people i enjoyed hanging out with in my age group left our church to join different ones for various reasons. my parents had to deal with the multiple youth pastors we had over the years telling me and my sisters that, basically, believing in evolution was a sin. my parents were NOT okay with that since they, you know, actually believe in science.

i don’t regret all my time in church, though, if only for the music. i still love and miss the songs. it’s how i got my first solos, where i got to test performances at the annual variety show. i had a really bad relationship with my high school’s choir director, but i could always count on getting compliments and praise and love from my church community every time i sang. it was something that really kept me going when i felt very untalented.

when i was 13, i got to join the adult choir because the music minister thought i was good enough, which i was so proud of, because normally you had to be in high school before you could join, but i was asked early. and i even got to sing the soprano solo in fauré’s requiem, my first ever classical solo (which is funny to look back on now seeing as my voice is nowhere light enough to do that piece lol anymore lol). i would practice with the children’s choir every hour on wednesdays, then wait the half hour for the adult choir practice. the children’s choir didn’t perform every week, but the adults did, and we used to do two services every sunday, so i’d wake up early to sing at the first one, go to sunday school, and then go to the second service, where we would normally leave before the sermon started. eventually we went down to just one service (no pun intended but thank GOD for that). eventually i was asked to be the song leader for at least three years of vbs (vacation bible school, a summer camp for kids, normally some over-the-top story being taught through videos). i may have been asked/done more, i can’t remember for sure. 

outside of church, my family wasn’t super religious - most of us, most of the time. my dad still had some hang-ups about gay marriage due to what i have to say is religion, because i don’t think there was any other reason. we’d say grace whenever my grandfather came over for dinner, and sometimes during our own bigger meals when he wasn’t there. it used to be a thing with my sisters (and my mom, i think?) when we’d go to bed that we’d say something about “don’t forget to say your prayers”. oh and at one point, when my sister and i expressed a desire to not go to church, my dad said he was worried we’d go to hell. that was fun. 

all of this to say that.....i remember doubting a belief in god a lot. as i’ve grown older, i still haven’t been able to figure out my beliefs. i find it hard to believe there’s a god when there’s all this suffering, but i also find it, well, depressing to think that there ISN’T a god. i feel like it’s not “smart” to believe in god, at least not Christianity, but i’m afraid i’ll go to hell if i even speak that thought out loud. i’ve found comfort in prayer.....

......except, over the years, i’ve developed a bit of an ocd-style relationship with prayer. i’m terrified of flying, enough so i got a prescription from ativan just to help. and though it can knock me out, i always have to say prayers while the plane is taking off, or else i *know* i’ll die/we’ll crash/everyone on the plane will die. because somehow it’s all my fault, you know? it doesn’t leave me calm at all, but it makes me feel like i have SOME control over things. i’ll say my prayers during bad turbulence, too, any time we shake at all.

and i don’t know when i got back in the habit of saying my prayers at night, but i’ve been trying to prayer every night since covid hit. i’m sure i was praying again before that, too. they’re all silent and in my bed, no kneeling or anything. if it isn’t clear yet, i was raised in the united methodist church, so i was taught that we had a friendly relationship with god and could talk to him whenever. very much unlike how i’ve seen all my catholic friends talk about their upbringings. but i always do a silent prayer and then the lord’s prayer, just like how my church would do it.

and, again, it’s been a compulsive thing where i’ll start saying things in a certain order and HAVE to say them in a certain order with a certain wording, some of which i’ve kept since childhood. sometimes i’m spending several minutes just trying to get through everything because i’m falling asleep since it’s so late and i keep drifting off and i feel like i have to start over or something will go wrong. 

i prayed so hard for joe biden to win. i’m still praying he can get power peacefully. i pray for the covid vaccine. and i spent the most time every night praying that my family, friends, and loved ones don’t get covid. i specifically list my family members, i try to bring up every group of friends - friends from school, theater, the internet, my rocky group, music, opera, etc. - and pull out specific friends who i worry about the most for various reasons and try to remember to pray for their families, too. i pray for my voice teacher and her family. and for everyone i single out, i have to have a reason for why they’re singled out. i pray for my roommate and her family, and then lastly i pray for myself, and always add that if i get it, my roommate will most definitely get it and vice versa.

so all of this is just to say that my faith has turned from any semblance of faith to something i think i’m holding onto just from anxiety. and i hate this jaded dumb story that they do on sitcoms and the like, that someone’s prayers wren’t answered so they don’t believe in god. that’s not my only reason, of course, but having my sister get sick with something she may not survive has led to me feeling this dumb guilt, like i didn’t pray hard enough, that i was falling asleep during prayers, that i wasn’t being a good christian. and i know it’s not true, but it’s how i feel and i hate myself for even trying to take any blame on top of it and i’m just a mess and i’m so scared.

[allie1804-fan]

Please Assist Me (Chapter 21)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8,  Chapter 9, Chapter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15 , Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20

Warnings :

He Said

It was a strange feeling going back to set when this utterly momentous thing had happened.  I felt untethered and for the first time in a long, long time, worried about my focus. I’d had a stressful time over 20 years ago on The Devil’s Advocate but that was more about nerves and Pacino than it was about distraction. Then when Jen was expecting Ava, I was in Baltimore working on The Replacements but I have to confess to a degree of ambivalence at first about that pregnancy so I was almost happier to box up this thing and pretend it wasn’t happening until the shoot was over. This time I knew I would just want to be there and be caring for Sophia and the kids and not be on set at all.

I would have to draw on my inner resources and commitment to the project to get me through this one. And the memories from those short 5 days were pretty special. The pregnancy test surprise, the scan, the kids’ sweet concern that the baby would make it and my sisters’ and mom’s delight at the news.  Karina, and Mom had been unable to resist hugging us both despite social distancing still being important. They hadn’t been anywhere in weeks though so we were OK to let it go for this special moment. And just being back with Sophia again, making love with her – those memories would do their usual dual trick of sustaining me and making me miss her all the more but I wouldn’t trade them.

As soon as I got back, I met with Chad and updated him with my news. I also shared my worries about focus – he dismissed them as bullshit  - not meaning to be mean but because he knew me and was confident that once we got on set, I’d be as on it as ever. I was thankful he had faith in me and hoped I could live up to it.

 She Said

It was late July and I was laying on a sun-lounger by a pool in a villa in Provence. Time to chill at last and to look forward to seeing Keanu later that day. He was joining us direct from New York whereas we had already had a week there and were currently enjoying the company of Alex, Ramsey and their 2 kids. In fact at this specific moment, it was their two kids who were affording me the time to lay back as they were splashing around in the pool with my 2 meaning all I needed to do was ensure the snacks kept coming and that my two  had on enough sunscreen!

I had last seen Keanu 5 weeks before when he’d flown home to attend the 12 week scan.  All was well including the abnormality risk assessment so he’d been able to return to set reassured. After that I had facetimed or phoned him if possible when I had midwife appointments but on a couple of  occasions he’d just got a heartbeat recording after the event! I know he treasured that though, sometimes sneaking a listen to it when he was hanging around on set waiting for the crew to be ready.

We kept in touch with calls most but not every night and we never had any relapses or forgetfulness any more.  We usually had the call at around 6pm (9pm his time) and If Eva was around she would always update him on what the corresponding size of fruit was to the baby. By the last, call about a week ago in mid July, we were up to the size of an apple!

We’d decided to head to France for a family holiday since Covid related travel restrictions had eased somewhat and Keanu had missed his chance the previous year for a European break. He had hired a bike which was waiting here and would spend some time enjoying the  winding, hilly roads of the Vars region which we’d chosen due to it being a bit off the beaten track compared to the hills around Nice or Cannes. We’d found a big property which had 10 bedrooms meaning plenty of friends could join us which they were doing more on rotation than all at once but the space meant we shouldn’t have to turn anyone away. There was a maid service too – I didn’t want one of those holidays where you still have all your usual jobs to do, just more of them but in a prettier place! Mind you, since I’d got pregnant, Keanu had insisted I get a maid service at home as well as the kids’ lock down tutor so my domestic responsibilities had reduced significantly.

The kids and I had travelled over with my mother and at some point in the next couple of weeks we’d host Karina, her husband, Keanu’s Mom and Kim and possibly Chad and his partner if they could make the time.

 He Said

I emerged somewhat groggy to the terminal in Nice and was happy that we’d arranged a car so I could just find the guy with ‘Reeves’ on his sign and snooze for the roughly one hour journey to the villa. I was greeted first by Eva and Miguel who Sophia said had been waiting by the gate for about the last hour with their welcome sign! Then I got to see my beautiful girl walking towards me in a cream maxi-dress  which showed the gentle swell of her growing baby bump to perfection. She was literally glowing now.

“Hey you”

“Hey you two!”

We saved the passionate smooching for later but had a long hug on the driveway before going in to say hi to our other guests.

The house was what they call a ‘bastide’, built up on a hill and it had been extended with some of the rooms being in a separate self contained building which was nice for friends like Alex to have their own space. There were a couple of verandas both with pergolas covered with climbers for shade and of course a pool. Indoors most rooms had terracotta tiles and the shutters which kept the place cool and also meant it would be pitch black until they were opened so everyone would sleep in.  Our room felt instantly soothing with cream walls and blue and cream striped curtains and bed linen.

I am not someone who takes many proper holidays. I get to travel so much with work  usually that the thing  I want most when I’m finished with a project is to be a homebody and catch up with friends in LA.

With this holiday though, Sophia’s planning meant I got many of those home comforts  (reading, biking, friends, family) and the added bonus of being somewhere new.

My regular job ended up being fetching bread and croissants from the bakery in the morning. I could do that on the Harley I’d rented using the paniers – there was quite a lot of bread needed every day after all! Days were spent by the pool mostly but with the odd break to stock up on food, beer and wine from a local supermarket. When Sophia and I went to do this,  I was sure I was being stared at and risked being stopped but she said she’d noticed the French seemed to stare at everyone so it probably wasn’t personal! No-one approached me so either she was right or they were just more respectful of privacy! Our evening meals on most days consisted of salads and/ or something cooked on the barbecue followed by card games, music and conversation into the evening with the whole gang (whichever configuration we were on that day!) gathered on the terrace together breaking bread,  laughing and joking.

With so many other adults at the house to take the kids, we were also able to enjoy a couple of meals out on our own. I wished I could have taken Sophia on the bike up into the hills but obviously we couldn’t risk that so we drove, finding sleepy villages with beautiful tree-lined squares that usually featured an old stone fountain just like the one in the Marcel Pagnol films Jean de Fleurette and Manon de Sources.

It was just a perfect time, made even more so by the fact that this is where I first felt the baby move.

It was quite late one night and Sophia had gone ahead to bed earlier than me. I expected to find her sleeping when I got there but she was sitting up, holding her hand on her belly, smiling at me as I walked in. My eyebrows shot up, reading her expression and she nodded. I rushed to settle next to her but when I put my hand on her belly,  I couldn’t feel anything.

“Maybe try laying your face against me” she suggested.

I eased down and lifted up her t shirt, laid my cheek  against her belly  and held my breath. After a few moments, I squeezed her hand as I felt a gentle fluttering against my cheek.  My tears ended up on her belly. That’s also when I started speaking every day to our baby, all the way through to the birth. Mostly it would just be telling them about our day but sometimes I would use it as a way to say something to Sophia that I was nervous to tackle in a more direct conversation. Like my suggestion that she and the kids either move in with me or we look for a new home together.  

“So I was thinking” I murmured to her stomach “that maybe when we get back to LA, we should all be together, like we have been here, always.”

“Really?”

“Yeah of course – we have this little person arriving, we can’t live apart then can we? I mean you weren’t thinking….. I mean I’d want to live with you anyway, but….” Now I was totally burbling!

She was laughing at me by then.

“No you’re right, I just didn’t know how you felt about sharing your home with all of us or moving or anything. Guess I’ve actually being taking one day at a time on some things!”

“Well I want you all with me. I mean there’s room at my place. We’ll have to change things around obviously but that’s doable. Or if you want a new start we can look for somewhere.”

“OK, let’s do one of your mind map and incubate things and tackle it when we get back. We have 3-4 months before I’m going to basically be a beached whale and not able to do much!”

By the time we left, I was definitely sold on this kind of holiday being in my future – another wonderful change in me that had been down to Sophia.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithk’eanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles @bitchyslut99

[kcostanz]

disclaimer: I’m going to be existential & sad before I turn it around

As 2020 wraps, I find myself increasingly absorbed by understanding the practices that I’m newly drawn to. The things I’ve chosen to connect with to get through what has certainly been the most unexpected year of my life, and perhaps that of billions of others. Even making such a grand statement still boggles my mind. Taking a moment to step outside of my life to acknowledge this global reality always gives much needed perspective. Life has been altered in wholly unforeseeable ways for billions of people this year. 

Exactly how our lives and worlds have been reshaped certainly looks different for each and every one of us. Our realities are constructed by so much: where we live, who we live with, what we do each day, our job, or the roles we play in society as a whole. Every life looks different, but the pandemic’s impact on these answers (and many more) is ever-changing and harshly felt. 

Reflecting on my own journey that has been navigating covid-19 and its impact on the world centers upon my age. Being 22 years old right now feels like constantly being stuck at a major life inflection point. In many ways I’m at the height of decision making- important ones at that, that will guide (the beginnings of) the rest of my life. Existential and perhaps a bit dramatic I know, but the pandemic exacerbates these emotions, so throw me a bone. 

I spent the first 21 years of my life on a set path, a regulated track that unknowingly provided an absurd amount of comfort. I went to public school K-12, graduated high school, and attended a 4-year institution, long awaiting the fantastical graduation year that for so long existed as a far-off fantasy: 2020. 

That momentous final semester was different than expected, but I can’t complain. I spent the last 3 months of college with a small handful of my closest friends, attended classes from the comfort of my bed, and graduated in my tiny apartment with two of my closest friends who hung around until the end. 

I procrastinated packing and cleaning my apartment until the last possible moment as my disapproving landlord approached to conduct the final walkthrough. Unsurprisingly, I left with a fraction of the security deposit, and the hard learned lesson that expo marker writing does not always come out of refrigerators (as the All Purpose spray, Oxi-Clean, bleach, hot water, soap, and eventually, shamefully, white paint can attest). 

With a egregiously packed car and zero rear view visibility, I was off. I blasted oldies with a twinge of liberation- I think I recall Born to Run (don’t worry, I am indeed embarrassed). I left all four windows down until I could no longer stand the sound of garbage bags flapping. Five short hours later I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home in Rochester, NY (with a broken mirror in the trunk no less- unsure if I’m superstitious but it felt like bad luck). 

The latter half of 2020- from June until now, has been full of unknowns, decision making in the dark, and hard fought self motivation. Vivid mixes of emotions old and new. 

First the dread of moving back in with parents as a young adult, and the stubborn resistance to fully unpack, so as to not get “too comfortable” at home. I now know such a thing is impossible for many reasons, one being that regardless of the lighting, art, and design, the girly pink walls of my childhood bedroom have proven immutable. 

Following this initial shock were extreme levels of self-induced pressure to find a job, do nothing but apply to jobs, and then bask in dejected feelings of never being able to get a job. While in the process, fully isolating myself from others, because I simultaneously felt I had too much to do, but yet was never really doing a thing. That concept has been fun to sit with. It comes with the realization that the carefree bliss of not having a single thing to do- say for a month long winter break- is officially gone. The list of things you could (and probably should) be doing is endless- welcome to the real world, Kate!

August was a blessed, beautiful month that, at the risk of (again) sounding dramatic, I am eternally grateful for. During this sweltering month I lived out of a car for nearly 3 weeks, camping with two pals throughout Utah and Wyoming. Even hitting a deer at 9pm, in a no-cell service zone, in the middle of a State Forest in Wyoming was a welcomed adventure at this point. A broken transmission, impromptu camping, two-hour tow truck ride, countless insurance calls, hostile car dealership conversations, two rental cars later, and we were back on track. This (incomplete) list of challenges provided beautiful life experience however, imparting lessons I could never fully know until I lived them. 

Returning home was as expected, a difficult transition back to monotony. Did I apply to vineyard jobs vaguely “out west?” Absolutely. Did I have it in me to go through with such a spontaneous life choice? Unfortunately not, though to my credit I did realize important goals that stood in the way of a dreamy vagabond existence. 

The fall has been a blur, and now there’s snow on the ground. I’ve found myself living for the future, and rarely ever for the moment, which is entirely antithetical to my personal philosophy. I have proclaimed my personal soundtrack to 2020 to be the loop of traditional Lebanese music that plays on repeat at my job as a server at Sinbad’s Mediterranean Cuisine (now as a takeout extraordinaire. And yes, despite the lack of in-person customers we are indeed instructed to play the CDs as per usual). This work, or my role as a part-time nanny is far from fulfilling (though the kids are darn cute), but that’s not the point for now. “At least I’m saving!” has been my most reliable source of positive encouragement, nearing personal mantra. 

I write this from my childhood bedroom, sitting at my desk, which was once our kitchen table circa 2002. It is as wobbly as it is sentimental, and I love it. The desk faces a window, the sill littered with glassware and candles because I have a thing against artificial light. I have a total of five notebooks, half opened, each containing swirling levels of thoughts, drawings, organization, calendars and to do lists. An orange caricature of a topless french woman sunbathing sits in front of me, reminding me that “TOUT VA BIEN!” (that everything is fine). And in minutes I will be dancing to the Moana soundtrack or drawing christmas trees and unicorns with 3 and 4 year olds. A snapshot of my life, at 22 years old, in 2020. 

Despite my life not being what I expected, or what I wanted it to look like as I embark on what’s supposed to be the most adventurous, spontaneous, and simply well-lived decade of my life, it is what it is, and as the french lady says, everything is fine. I have two part-time jobs, unforeseen savings, quality family time (both for better and for worse), my mom’s cooking, and a roof over my head. In a world with inconceivably high death tolls, rising unemployment and homelessness rates, and the constant, precarious fear of general loss, I have infinite blessings to count.

Life does feel like a giant waiting game though. How can one strategically plan out what comes next in their individual life when the entire world remains a massive question mark? In a time when we feel trapped, impatiently waiting for opportunities, experiences, and adventures to reopen, waiting feels hopeless. Because it is. If you’re unhappy with the opportunities before you, create your own.

I’m not saying I’m doing a stellar job at this myself- and as you can see I certainly struggle with my fair share of existential pessimism (day in and day out). But doing things has a certain electrifying feel that ignites and empowers you to build a meaningful life. I’m producing a web series with a group of similarly listless 20 somethings who are also doing their best to be creative and productive from the confines of their family homes. I’m practicing yoga and meditation really to cope with my own stress and internal anxieties, but in doing so am creating new habits and mindsets that will certainly outlast the pandemic. I’ve connected with a group of strangers by dancing to shamantic and electronica music in various outdoor locations throughout Rochester. Whoa! Never would I have imagined finding such deeply liberating peace through ecstatic dance of all things, but hey 2020 is full of surprises. 

This position I’m in is both uniquely my own through my personal experiences, and also shared by more people than I could imagine. Maybe only bits and pieces resonate with you, or maybe you are living your best life in the city of your dreams with a fabulous career in a lovely home with the world’s best roommates. But even if that’s you- you’re missing out on something too. The whole world is. We feel disconnected, disjointed, digitally controlled and consumed, and despite who we surround ourselves with- isolated. We’re stuck living in a world of “once this is over I’ll….” and no matter who you are it feels damn weird to spend so much time in your head dreaming of a future rather than living it out in the now. 

So… solutions? As we all know, you only have so much control during a global pandemic (very little to be exact). But what you can control is how you live your life during it. I certainly won’t preach to what works and pretend like I’ve figured it out- that work is no one’s to do but your own. But I do feel that so much comes down to mindset, perspective, mental health and ultimately finding ways to seek inner peace. 

Potential solutions are abundant, and have been explored by more people now than ever before. Though there is no recipe to conquer the inevitable fears, concerns and anxieties that accompany the pandemic and this phase of life, I’m interested in further exploring some of the ones that work for me. How is something as simple as breathing so helpful? 

Finding inner peace is a sought after skill in 2020. I have endless gratitude to all of the incredible humans who have served as a source of learning, and have helped me to tap into positive internal energy. My intention is to look into some of the causes of (my personal) covid-realted inner turmoil and the solutions that have brought some serenity into my life. Though they may not always be long lasting, some answers are better than none. Here’s to writing for no one, and thank you for listening. <3 

[espanadiarywriter]

The blessing of separation

It has been a long. long time since my last blog post. I had the following blog all teed up and just about ready to launch and then just everything went haywire. I was nearing the end of my huge work deadlines, (which were brutal but successfully completed) and then we got some sad news about an unexpected death, and everything went sideways. And then Covid cases went up again, and even the summer plans we were considering as safe were canceled too.

So now with a few weeks of distance, I can think about this again. I still think it mostly resonates, but have added a new ending...

Havdalah means separation. It is a short ceremony that marks the end of Shabbat (the sabbath) on Saturday night. We sing a sweet tune and then blessings recognizing the end of the sweetness of Shabbat and the beginning of return to the work week. It’s one of my favorite set of blessings even though our family almost never sings them at home. I only wind up doing them when we are at an event on a Saturday night. The tune is wistful, joyful, contented yet somewhat sad that the pause is over.

Shabbat is a time to pause from the week. Now more than ever the idea of separation is speaking to me—separation from the work week to have time with family. I am crazy busy right now at what is supposed to be a part time job. So I consciously took the weekend off. We attended two Bar Mitzvahs Saturday. One by zoom and one by socially distant outdoors with seating in the woods. And that’s where I got to sing the havdalah prayers together. Sunday was Father’s Day, and Rob has been carrying the weight of parenting for the last month. So I took time off.

But also I’m thinking about the separation of political and national events from my inner psyche. Without some separation from what is happening “out there” I can’t function. I’m not talking about the “I don’t do politics” type of statement. I mean the idea of “Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.” I am an empathetic person. I manage it pretty well with sarcasm and humor, but I internalize other people’s pain. If I don’t put some separation between me and the world, it can seriously bring me down so I don’t want to get out of bed. I had a few mornings in March and April where I had to pump myself up just to start my day. And it happens to me when the big tsunamis wipe out whole cities, racially motivated killings, Israel flare ups, you name it. So I have gotten better at building a space for me to feel joy with my friends and family. 

Week ago now, I got to sit in a group and sing, praying in a forest, after so many months of isolation. Everyone was in masks, and separate from each other physically, but not spiritually. I actually think my favorite Hebrew services have all been in forests: Jewish youth group trips growing up, once as an adult in California, and summer camps. Nothing like being in nature to remind you that we are part of something much larger.

Tragedy, whether on a national scale, city-wide scale, or personal scale can make it even more urgent to remember to take a moment out of your days to focus within. Especially for those of us with acute senses of empathy, we need to make sure things do not drag us under. Finding what brings you light in times of darkness is key. In my world, I know that I am at my darkest when I cannot find gratitude. So I start small. Grateful for the cats, a roof over my head, love in my life, and I try to spread the gratitude from there. Yes, things are really rough right now, and there’s always moments of joy and friendship still. And for that I am grateful. My challenge for you is to create your separation and find your gratitude.

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 7

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 181: Typing on day 182. I received an email from someone at DSM who had got my CV from Helen Proctor (she was the manager that interviewed me along with the founder) and wants me to interview for a IT business consultant role for a shoe firm (Loakes) in Kettering. I called the chap and had a quick chat and arranged it for Wednesday.

A few beers, as it’s Friday, and caught up via video chat with Foggy and Irish Mike (Foggy’s on quarantine having holidayed in the south of France). It was a late one and they were both pissed, but nice to chat. Andy and Ham were meant to join but were no shows - Ham had his sister’s funeral this week - might explain it.

Day 182: I messaged Ham - he went round his folk’s house after work last night as his two sisters were there. I have to admit, I am ignorant of all of Ham’s brothers and Sisters so he may well have meant one was Preaya in an urn.

Someone on the Oundle Chatter FB group asked about Google Hangouts (on behalf of her son who is attending college and they have online classes using it. I am now about to look into it for her. Why did I get involved. It’s 8pm on a Saturday, ffs!

Update, I researched it and messaged her - seems I hit a nail on the head and she seemed suitably grateful. Booze and pizza coming right up (at 9:15pm)

Day 183: Up at just before 2pm - I drank shed loads last night and went to bed after 4am. Faffed about but did manage my stair climb, a 10km walk and I am now making a roast dinner-ish tea (chicken breast stuffed with red leicester and wrapped in bacon) with all the veg and yorkies (I am trying to empty the freezer as it needs defrosting).

Day 184: I posted on FB that today was half a leap year of lockdown (that’s wrong, should have been yesterday). Rachel replied that it isn’t lockdown anymore. I replied that it is for me but that got me thinking - are we officially in lockdown still? Checked, and we are. Posted that on the same thread and Badger replied that the current level of lockdown has been uprated to level 4, whatever that actually means. Rachel’s post worries me - 1. ‘cos it’s indictative of the far-too-relaxed attitude and, 2. I wasn’t even sure even though I’m still observing the same lockdown behaviour that I was before Boris made his announce on March 23rd. Scary how facts bleed into fiction. 

Jim contacted me today, asked me to call. I did so, he says I’ll be asked to return to work (from home) on the 5th October (two weeks). Shirley from HR will be in contact. I’ll believe when I see the email from her! 

Day 185: Boris announced a tightening of the relaxed lockdown including pubs shutting at 10pm. None of it really affects me since I’m still in as full a lockdown as when it started.

Received an email from John Morton at DSM for an interview at Loakes tomorrow (Wed) at 09:30am.

Received a Facebook message from the editor at Oundle Chronicle - he wants to do a short article about the photos I take and post on the Oundle Chatter fb group.

Day 186: Interview went ok.

Called Dad and Rita to let them know that I received an email from RCI confirming that I will be back at work on the 5th of October.

In the evening, Facebook had posts concerning somebody walking round Creed Road with a knife in his hand, and the police getting involved!

Day 187: Spend spend spend. Paid my speeding fine today £357, my water bill £147, bought two new duvet cover sets and two new sheets £58, a new pair of walking boots (my relatively new Hi-Tec are leaking and falling apart) £75. Oh, and the car insurance renews day after tomorrow, £230. Thank fucking fuck I’m being taken off furlough!

Day 188: Friday and I’m going to have a few beers and watch a couple of films.  I’ve been trawling through Seinfeld and am most the way through S3, and it’s brilliant. The Kramer character is mentally good. One episode had the actress who played Janice in Friends - that episode is a classic - which also included an scene whereby the cast are all exclaiming ‘Saturday night’ similar to the Friends TikTok trend. Got a call this morning about a service delivery lead role for EPM, a education service provider, based in Huntingdon. It’s a good role, very involved, reporting directly to the head of IT. But it’s only £32k pa. I replied to the email the recruiter subsequently sent to say I am interested but that salary is less than £5k pa than I am on now as a 2nd line support techie!  Lastly, I am well on my way to doing 500,000 steps in September!

Day 189: I was woken by the doorbell - a delivery of one of the duvet cover sets. On the door mat was a missed parcel delivery note from Ryal Mail (I have to get whatever it is from Warmington PO) and a note from next door (No. 34) asking for me to turn my music down at 10.30pm. That’s fair enough but....10.30pm! What are they, 80 years old? I have felt low today. There is no rhyme nor reason as to my moods suffice to say I am not of the happiest dispostion on a permanent basis, resigned to being alone. In fact, I have come to terms with the fact I’ll die alone but, it seems, some days I cope with it a lot worse than others. On that cheery note, it’s 8.45 pm on a Saturday night so, I am about to launch into some beers, weed and pizza. I think tonight I’ll seek out the second John Wick film - watch the first last night - so fucking good. You gotta love Keanu!

Day 190: Hopefully the last Sunday of having an enforced no-work-on-Monday so I’m going to have a beer or two (it’s now 8:20pm - just cracked open a Bud), watch American Sniper and eat Chilli and naan bread and onion rings. I did a 12 km walk today - I recall a time when 40-45 minuts walking was enough. Today’s walk was 2 hours! I know it’s only walking but I feel fitter than I have for years; still unfit, but fitter. Day 191: Well, I enjoyed the decadence of boozing last night but it meant getting up at after midday! Still managed two walks, trip to Tesco’s in Hampton after picking up the mystery parcel from Warmington PO. It was two unknown bottles of beer for a marketing campaign I entered a few days ago! I have to not open the beers until I receive instruction whereby I’ll be joining in with other drinkers in video chat! Day 192: Smahed 500k steps for September with one day to go! Cleaned the kitchen - I’m going to do the whole house over the next few days while I have the free time since I’m back to work on Monday.  The lad from next door called round this eveing to ask if I got the note. When I said yes, he told me they (he and his partner) can still hear music. FFS! I asked where their bedroom was, it’s along side mine, so I guess it’s the TV sound that is travelling up and disturbing them. Great, fuck knows what I should do if I want to watch anything after 10:30pm. I suppose going back to work is good timing..I shall be going to bed around that time myself, especially if I want to get up early to get a walk in before starting at 09.00 am.

Day 193: Typing on day 194. Only managed one walk today, before 9.00am. It made a great change walking that early. I then set about doing housework (which I started yesterday) - I want to clean the house from top to bottom before going back to work. i.e. while I have time during the working week. I did the Kitchen yesterday and the whole lounge today. It’s fucking knackering. I managed 519k steps in September, works out at 9.6 miles per day, which is good and, also, annoying. I have taken delivery and laundered all my new bedding. It’s brushed cotton lushness, can’t wait to try it. Last ‘happy hour’ of (this current) furlough, so I had beers (and a fucking spicey sausage casserole)...hence penning this a day late.

Day 194: I didn’t get out of bed until nearly 2pm, FFS. Spome with Ricky Roberts about kayaking, it sound sliek something I could take up but, I would need to join the boat club to have somewhere to get in and out!

Day 195: Sueanne from work called to let me know she’s taking over from Jim ‘til new yer and that the team are looking forward to my return - lovely. Dad called, he and Rita are fine as usual - lovely.

Day 196: Got up fater 2pm. I was seriously fucking wasted last night. Had a video chat with Fog - just checked, it ended at 02.04am and I did a lot more drinking and smoking after that. I still managed a 9.7km walk and am now going to settle down to a few (just a few!) beers, shepherds pie and watch Casino. Day 197: Quiet Sunday with some bizarre results in Super Sunday in the prem. Man U lost at home to Spurs 1-6 and Liverpool were thrashed at Villa Park, 7-2. Work tomorrow, feeling a little apprehensive, not sure why. Got to go to the office (to reset password) at 09.00am

Day 198: Back to work. It went OK. I had to go to the office so that my a/c could be enabled and password reset and t get VPN working. There were a few problems but I was back home and logged in OK in the afternoon. Saw Mark in the office - he’s lost weight and was telling me about a cycling accident - I knew about it, but I didn’t realise he had been in hospital and had a plate put in his shoulder. He also has the exact same issue with codeine as me! I am pleased to be back at work but it’s different - no Jim and Sueanne in charge is the main thing. I’m just going to keep my head down; it’ll be for the best.

Day 199: Second day back at work and I’m (trying to) crack on with it. It’s all coming back... New walking boots arrived today (I have them on as I type); I reckon I’ll be OK to walk in them with no breaking in. That’s just as well as my evening walk took me by the marina and the path between the lock, the small bridge and, especially, the larger bridge into the field at the bottom of Basset Ford Road was flooded, no way my boots will be dry for tomorrow.  I did my stair climb before work, 3.5 km walk at lunchtime and then a long, second one, as mentioned, later. I want to try and do a short walk before work in future, hopefully. On the way back from the lunchtime walk, I saw the lad from next door who thanked for me keeping the music down as per the note he left, so, that’s all good.

Day 200: I’ve started a work diary,  à la ENDC....nowhere as urgently required but I just think it’s a good idea.

I wore my new boots for the lunchtime walk (3.6km) and they’re fine. However, I didn’t use them in the evening, they niggled the left foot a bit, so some breaking in is required. My usual ones were just about dry enough having been sat on the radiator! Day 201: Popped into the office today to pick up my full headset dongle, did a quick shop at Asda. So, only one walk today. I have not yet managed to get a walk in before work, just the stair climb, so missed out on a lunchtime walk today since I was shopping. Did 8.5km in the evening. Bought a card online for K’s birthday. Not sure why, we seem not to be communicating - I haven’t heard from her for over a month now which, as mentioned before, I shouldn’t find as hard as I do. The card’s pretty cool though, a quip about just getting a card as a present would involve non-essential travel. Now I am back at work, I want a to do loist app. I recall a smart one that was a linear/curved affair that I saw on Producthunt but, fuck me, I couldn’t find it after over an hour looking. Then I checked Google apps and there it was (Lightpad.ai) - I was chuffed and relieved. The lad from oundle School has been trying to get hold of me via Messenger (he tells me by email) so he can interview for the article in the Chronicle. He has pencilled in Saturday at 6pm.Fuck knows if it will go ahead, the whole thing is sketchy. Day 202: First week back at work over and done. I ordered some stuff from Amazon (slippers and socks) and they offered a free trial of Prime, which is the norm, but, seeing as I have had a free trial under that a/c, I assumed it would error, as I have seen before. This time it didn’t! So, tonight, I just about to have some beers, eat pizza and watch The Gentlemen,. It was suggested by Miles on FB when I asked for  recommendations. It’s been on my to-watch list since its release. I need some cheering up, I’m having a low ebb today.Day 203: Typing on day 204. The Gentlemen was pretty good. I had lots of beers and smoke and went to bed fucking late, gone 4am. Up at lunchtime. I was meant to be going up Foggy’s for a few beers and to listen to Cobblers vs Posh but I sacked that off. I went for a walk at tea time when it got dark fucking quick and pissed down. I didn’t mind ‘cos Posh won 0-2. I watched two films in the evening: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World and Official Secrets. Both excellent. Day 204: Another late night, so up at just before 2pm. 12.64 km walk! I’m going to make stirfry and watch Knives Out...taking advantage of Amazon Prime.Day 205: I didn’t watch Knives Out last night, Amazon Prime was playing up. Tonight, however, after uninstalling and reinstalling the LG app, it’s working again. But, rather than a film, I have started watching The Boys series. 3/4 through the first episode and I’m kinda hooked. Another long walk tonight (I didn’t go out before work or at lunchtime), over 5 miles. My new boots are a marvel...they’re still new - I can tell I’ve got a little bit of wearing in still to do, but, pretty much from the off, I can walk long distances in them. I’m impressed. I think, because they are so light, they may be susceptible to the cold, especially now I can walk for longer periods without hypo-ing. The snow and frost will be the test.Day 206: Bit of a frustrating day at work. I am pleased I have a diary of events to update, that’s all I will say on this potentially public diary. Had a chat with Mark about certain aspects of the day, it was a good chat whereby he agreed with some of my gripes. In the evening I took part in a Ipsos marketing test of two beers with a whole bunch of people online. Ultimately, you have to choose one of two beers you prefer and answer questions why. It’s then revelaed which beer you chose. The beer I iked best was Stella but 4.6%, I think that’s the next product iine for them. You don’t get to find out the other beer. I shoudl recieve a £15 amazon voucher for partaking. If that actually happens, I’m going to buy a pair of gaiters. My new boots are fab (although I did turn my ankle last night) but their insides don’t half attract gravel and debris.Day 207: A productive day incorporating ToDoist with work and GCal, I have sacked off Lightpad.ai (it was too cumbersome moving tasks between dates) - so I managed to tick a few things off the task list as a result (responding to Jo Broom’s voicemail, chasing an eye appointmen, for example). Tim came round and did the garden, nice chinwag. I saw little Derek the other day, as well, he’s not coping great with the whole pandemic atm, certainly now lockdown has relaxed, he’s not as social as before. Day 208: Had a chat with Sueanne today, which is not unusal, and I was asking about creating KBs...she remarked how well, and quickly, I getting up to speed. It pleased me. I am having battered fishcakes, potato wedges and peas for tea. I am looking forward to it the most ridiculous amount (it’s cooking as I type). I shall eat as I watch more of the rather excellent The Boys. Seinfeld is on the back burner atm. Day 209: Emily Folgate’s room mate at uni has tested positive for Covid19! Marc’s avoiding the pub and I am glad I didn’t pop up there last Saturday! Bumped into Ash and Dee when i walked past the vets, chatted for 5 mins, it was really nice to see them. The lady next door (38) stopped me outside to say she recently realised that it was me who posts photos to FB, and said they’re ‘amazing’! End of week 2 back at work. As I type, I’m on my first beer, about to have many more and a smoke, half way through The Trial of the Chicago 7 on Netflix. Living the dream! Day 210: Things got messy last night. Sugar levels were a mess. I couldn’t even make it upstairs at one point, laid down on the long rug nursing a big bottle of coke. Got up at around 1pm and did usual shit, now having a beer, spicy sausage casserole in the oven (and it is fucking spicy) and I’ll pick a film to watch in a bit. Posh won, 2-0 at home to Oxford, up to 4th, one point behind Lincoln.